the spectrum heart cathedral system

(miscellaneous group art projects from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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"Draw what your innermost self/ soul looks/feels like."



(SYSTEM CORES, REMEMBER THIS!!)

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"Make a collage for the front of a recovery-oriented notebook."



(This is the first collage we ever did and we loved it. There is so much powerful System love and truth in this. Click here for fullsize.)

(note to selves= TALK ABOUT THIS IN FULL LATER)

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"Make a collage that expresses what past/ present/ future means to you."



(This took us WEEKS to collect and complete, but it was 100% worth it. Everything fit together in unplanned providential perfection. We treasure this artwork; it carries so much love and truth. Please do click here to view the fullsize image.)

(note to selves= TALK ABOUT THIS IN FULL LATER)

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"Trace your feet, one in front of the other. Fill them with words or images that represent how you see your past steps that led you here, and where you want to go/ see yourself going next. What do your drawings tell you about how you feel about change in your life? Is there anything you'd like to change in your life right now? What is the first step you'd need to take in order to begin to make this change?"



● The "back" foot has LESS words, but they're LARGER. They ALSO speak more GENERALLY/ ABSTRACTLY, with very little sense of individuality or personality. They're also INWARD focused.

● The "front" foot has MORE words in SMALLER fonts. They speak CONFIDENTLY, SPECIFICALLY, & PERSONALLY, with a notable "OUTWARD DIRECTION" to not only hopes/ ambitions, but also COMMUNITY.

✳ This actually shows that I see change as GOOD & BENEFICIAL. I see it as POSITIVE FORWARD MOVEMENT, DELIBERATE & COURAGEOUS, INTENTIONAL & OPTIMISTIC about the BRIGHTER TOMORROWS that are ALWAYS POSSIBLE and AVAILABLE TO ME TO LIVE.

My PAST felt dark & confused, yet doggedly hopeful.
My FUTURE feels luminous & focused-- the REALIZATION of those hopes.

✳ My PAST was SURVIVAL. My FUTURE is FLOURISHING: "FULLY ALIVE"

✳ The FIRST steps I need to take in BEGINNING to MAKE this change MUST BE PRACTICAL & CONSISTENT & DIRECTLY RELEVANT. Even while here, I MUST do SOMETHING HONESTLY SELF-EXPRESSIVE EVERY DAY, something POSITIVELY CREATIVE & MOVED BY LOVE at its heart, AND AS THE SYSTEMCOR(E)!!! At HOME, I MUST IMMEDIATELY schedule in AT LEAST ONE HOUR DAILY for BOTH Leaguework AND journaling, and SET S.M.A.R.T. GOALS FOR IT!!
✳ ALSO KEEP A "PROGRESS LOG" to KEEP TRACK of WHAT WORK I/WE DID & BUILD ON IT as a CONSISTENT, GOAL-ORIENTED (PURPOSEFUL) HABIT!!

(note to selves= TALK ABOUT THIS IN FULL LATER)

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"Draw a simple symbol that represents your innermost self. Draw a large circle around it. Now decorate the circle to express how your inner self expresses itself outwards."



(The jeweled heart is a reference to Moralimon. The fire around it is a reference to the Core's eternal element. The "flaming heart" image is a direct reference to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. The red color is the Core's eternal hue resonance.)
(The gold light above represents all our ideal virtues-- everything that love and truth and beauty and goodness radiate. The darkness beneath is the struggles we have inside-- our illnesses and vices and fears and regrets. It is "blackspace" in a sense. Yet, in that blackness, there is a rainbow-- a prism, even there, radiating from the heart.)
(The black is charcoal and ended up causing fingerprint smudges. We feel this has a strong meaning in and of itself-- how the body leaves its faint marks in black, in that color of darkness, and yet they are in the white space. White gives identity to black, gives form to potential. And the smudges are essentially proof of creative effort. We want to think about this more.)

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"Draw what love means to you."



(My immediate, incontrovertible response was these four. Clockwise from top right: Laurie, Chaos 0, Celebi, Genesis.
Laurie is violet force-waves, black lightning, and red blood spatters.
Chaos 0 is blue ocean waves, hints of green-life glitter, and the red Ruby.
Celebi is bright green leaves, crystal blue wingshapes, and purple hints like flowers.
Genesis is golden light rays, bright sparkles, and deep blue diamonds.
The red heart in the middle is me-- outlined in both black and white.
In unique ways, over many years, these four have taught me what true love is. They have changed my heart forever. I love them entirely.)

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"Draw a line across a page that represents the surface of the ocean. Make it wavy, choppy, or calm, depending on how you see your life. On the surface, draw a buoy that represents you... make sure you connect it to the ocean floor. Draw the weather conditions topside, and the surrounding environment where the buoy is located... also include what's going on below the surface (under the water), which is typically not visible to others."



● the ocean is CHOPPY but feels manageable. I deal with daily challenges, stresses & setbacks, but they aren't overwhelming-- they even cause the forward motion that impels progress & growth, & strength of character through navigating them!

●  My buoy has a bright red light at the top. Red, for me, isn't so much about "warning of danger" as it is a challenge to fight the good fight, and not run away. Red is also the color of LIFE & LOVE, and of HOPE too. It's a creative, powerful, loving hue. It's MY color. The fact that I'm SHINING that light symbolizes my growing self-confidence & self-love, no longer hiding or dimming it.

● My anchor chain is violet. Laurie is my connection to solid ground amidst turmoil. When the tidal waves come in, she keeps me from drowning & always has.

● The ocean floor is gold. Deep deep down, everything is treasure. It's also full of living coral & colored shells-- there is beauty & life there, not barren emptiness. Even the bottom is blessed.

● We're in the middle of the ocean. Life is a voyage, a pilgrimage. We're out discovering!

● Under the water there is LIFE-- air bubbles & fish. It's clear but a bit turbulent, yet these strong currents too are moving us forwards, and the fish can still move freely.

● The sun is indomitable & shining golden light. The clouds are MADE of silver. There is rain in the past & future but in the "now," it's pure sunshine. There is a wind in our sails. And there is a rainbow, beginning in the past & flowing into the present. We are that golden gift.

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"Write a piece of advice on a scrap of paper and shuffle them all anonymously among the group. Draw an image to represent how you feel about the one you receive."

The quote I got= "Don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff!"

My response=



Written on the back=

"This advice strikes me as too dismissive? My response is mixed.
On one hand, in light of a hope of eternity/ a life hereafter, "it's all small stuff" in that it's all "temporary."
EXCEPT IT'S NOT. LITERALLY EVERYTHING ECHOES. EVERY choices & event is a domino, a ripple. There are ALWAYS consequences AND THEY MATTER.
WAR ISN'T SMALL. ABUSE ISN'T SMALL. DEATH ISN'T SMALL.
And if you start GENERALIZING THAT BROADLY, then YOU START TO INVALIDATE ALL "OVERREACTION" TO IT.
Anger at injustice, grief at loss, heartache at suffering, ALL of these things CAN & WILL be "MINIMIZED" and "laughed off" as "SWEATING," as it were.
"Don't worry about it" gets used as a shutdown.
Small victories are brushed off as TOO small.
You end up feeling like NOTHING is worth sweating over.
But LIFE IS HARD WORK AND IF YOU NEVER BREAK A SWEAT,
YOU'LL NEVER GAIN STRENGTH OF CHARACTER.

...and yet overexercising is still a thing, too.
Somehow it IS all "small." But it's small like a wounded bird in the hands of God.
Life has LOTS of VERY, VERY BIG THINGS, and yet, we're just a blip on the radar of history.
We're still a blip.
We're still SOMETHING, amidst the rest of the silent sweep.

Maybe that's the truest point. Don't burn yourself out over it.
Don't STOP sweating, for one. A healthy soul needs the exercise, the effort, the ache.
I guess that alone implies that EVERYTHING is BIG STUFF. Even just deciding what color socks you're going to wear today. It still says something about YOU, your unique values & joys & history. It still matters.
But it's NOT RELATIVE. What's big for an ant is small for an elephant. But every mountain is huge. We all live in the shadow of the hills. And even that little anthill matters. Maybe it's big for the elephant, too, who treasures "small" things, and is more than willing to break a sweat as it moves to never crush it underfoot.
The small stuff is eternal. It's all small stuff. Go fight for it."

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AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Try to identify things in your history that influenced the development of disordered eating.

My memory is pretty shot, and I'm tired of focusing on trauma. The System Archives are autobiography enough.
I want to use this space to jot down HAPPY things, proofs of JOY in life, a life I feel cut off & rejected from. But I STILL EXIST IN TIME & SPACE, AND MY PAST IS REAL-- ALL of it, NOT just the recent trauma!
I have had SO MUCH GOODNESS in life, DESPITE the trauma, and I CAN AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE GOODNESS!!

ACTUAL nice memories I have from childhood:

★ Spinning in circles under the overhead light in mom's room, the light as dim as it would go, pretending (believing) it was a "ritual" to transform into a dragon. I remember the soft blue carpet beneath my feet, and the feeling of solemn faith in my heart. The low ember of a lightbulb, its glow a soft reddish-gold circle, felt like a heart of its own. It was a very intimate thing, that transformative spinning, as a result. I kept my dragon-ness a brightly burning secret within me as I re-entered the daylight, knowing I was "something more" than was apparent. I wondered if anyone else could tell, or know.

★ The scents & visuals of the beautiful, bright flowers at our home forest, around Easter-- grape hyacinths, bluet flowers, violets, dandelions, clovers, buttercups, arbutus, tulips, irises, peonies, white & purple lilacs, forsythia, Easter lilies & hyacinths, and my WISTERIA BUSH, to say the least! Blueberries blossoming on the hill. Wintergreen peeking through the snow. The sticky gorgeous scent of evergreen sap. The smell of the pine needles in winter. The scent of autumn maple & hickory & oak & sassafras. The plush wet texture of thick lichen-studded moss, like a carpet of emerald softness, rolling like mountains over the side yard. The taste of birch bark, given to me by dad. The smell of spring in the air. Eating grass with Viral and thinking it was hilarious. The old roses on the garden gate. The old grapevine on the back hill. The old apple tree I tried to climb, and the endearingly wizened, sour little fruits it produced. The cherry trees, and all their ants. The rose-of-sharon trees in the corners of the yard. Finding wild scallions & eating them gleefully. Picking raspberries from the garden like they were gems. ALL OF DIAMEW.

★ Walks up & down the pipeline, long before any industrialization arrived. I loved the steep climb, the wide flat rocks, the random hidden puddles & ponds higher up, the hidden waterfall off to the right (that I don't think exists anymore). I remember the glorious headrush of ORANGE as we walked it in autumn, finding old train tracks & imagining where they could lead. It always felt, climbing that ascent, like I was deftly & swiftly taking hold of the future itself, a wild & beautiful thing, untameable but fiercely fond of all who came to meet it here, on the rocks & ridges, with a sense of wonder & adventure & hope. I treasured all my scrapes & scratches & bruises. I miss those days.

★ The beautiful smell of Thornhurst trips: woodsmoke, river water, evergreens & shade. I remember roasting marshmallows until they bubbled bronze & brass, enjoying the crisp & chewy bite that guarded such soft warm sweetness. I remember dad grilling burgers as we lit the charcoal and watched it shimmer red. I remember the cool wood of the picnic tables, and the quiet of the trees. I remember Fernsburg, all the foam on the water and its loud white rushing song. I would always try to walk on the rocks peeking above the surface, scared to fall but fiercely joyful to be IN the river regardless. There was a log across it further down but it was too soft to hold weight. I don't know why that river felt so potently magical, or why I felt it was so important to cross. It felt like there was something on the other side, something in the crossing itself-- a rebirth, almost; the start of a new & long-awaited story. I knew that if I made it across, it would be a new world. I would be a new person. And I knew I was expected, awaited with joy, over there.


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some system memories.

♥ After the System massacre in late December '13? Walking around the living room & listening to "Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost, WEEKS later? And suddenly "seeing" Laurie with wings, and KNOWING-- FEELING-- that she was still alive; there was still hope. It was like the world itself came back to life. Everything was suddenly saturated with hope & joy. It truly was a "good day." I felt my heart opening like a flower after a long winter.
♥ Mister Sandman kissing my nose & forehead before we would "go to work" for the night; his aged yet vibrant, gently strong hands cupping my face.
♥ Standing over the oven range in SLC and abruptly dissociating for OVER AN HOUR for Marik's 3rd *incident*; until that day we HADN'T been close, but AFTER we forged such a sincere & strong bond. He was all gold with HOPE, even after succumbing (briefly!) to despair. I'll never forget it.
♥ Chaos 0 sitting with me on the couch in SLC when I assumedly got food poisoning & was so scared, sad, & alone. I wept in his arms, and thanked God for him.
♥ That one horrifically numb-depressed day in ~2015 when "I" was in the kitchen chopping up carrots & feeling miserable hollow; suddenly XENOPHON appeared GHOSTING-- which she had just learned how to do-- and asked if I was okay. I said no, so she tried to cheer me up, by asking that I bring up her favorite song on Spotify-- "Simple Reminder" by Tokimonsta-- and dance with her. Even though I felt so numb, I'd never say no to my baby girl. So there we were, dancing to Tokimonsta in the empty kitchen on a quiet autumn evening, and suddenly I felt real joy. Life was worth living, if only for her.
♥ "Meeting" Scalpel as he sang Everything Everything that one day in CNC I "tried to run away." I remember the metal in his teeth & the rings on his zealous hands.
♥ Christmas Eve's Eve, 2011, with Chaos 0, on the living room couch by the tree. I saw the green of his eyes & felt the ocean of his heart. I was so in love.
♥ That one night after an "avoidance" period when I went upstairs to meet him, and he gave me this look of pure love and heartache that struck my own heart back to light.
♥ The night I tried to kill myself in front of the bathroom mirror and Laurie FIGHTING LIKE HELL to stop me... then me, weeks later, doing the same for her.
♥ The night after a hack when I reached out to Julie and offered her hope with us. I was standing by the bathroom closet. I FELT something change in her heart.
♥ That one morning on the bus on the way to high school when, after an aching discussion, Genesis & I basically made out. It was so sincere & real. I FELT his Gem.
♥ Genesis ghosting alongside me for YEARS. Laughing out loud & elbowing him & asking him to "hold stuff." Him saying he loved me at the Confirmation altar.
♥ That LCCC morning where I think I actually skipped class & stayed in the car, because we went upstairs to FIND LEON, I think? I remember Julie being SO STRONG & COURAGEOUS; her heart really shone through. I remember cathedral arches; I remember how cold it was. I loved them all with my whole heart.
♥ Leon warping us out of Tar ambushes. Leon being a DEAD SHOT against it, even with his hands shaking. The snow-bluebells-myrrh scent of Indigo.
♥ The BLC heartspace exploration events, and ALL the key moments-- the Angel Helmet, the Mirror Oasis Room, fighting the Razor Splinter on the beach, Lynne using her arrows to paralyze the Tar-Celebi, Leon sobbing & wiping blood out of my hair in the white nave of the Cathedral itself.
♥ Those first few MOMENTOUS seconds in SLC when Laurie PUSHED ME OUT OF FRONTING & took over, and looked incredulously at our hands; her vibe like GRAVITY.
♥ Meeting Razor. Meeting Wreckage. Meeting Algorith. Meeting Knife. Meeting Sugar. Meeting Mulberry. In moments of horror, I still treasure them.
♥ Sitting on the bed at COPE in 2017 and the System WAKING BACK UP from dormancy, Laurie immediately putting a victoriously comforting hand on my shoulder. My ENTIRE sense of life & self SHIFTED & FOCUSED and I felt like I could breathe again. I remember us all thinking, "now what?" but we were TOGETHER!
♥ During "THE Lockout," parked in front of the Albright library, and GENESIS unexpectedly ghosting when I got out of the car, deeply worried. Seeing him, I began to feel HOPE.
♥ That one day after Easter when the Coregroup & I went into Saint John's church alone, & kneeling in front of the altar we swore to ALWAYS love & protect each other. I can still feel the cold white marble, & see the sunlight in the dark, & smell the Easter lilies. It was such a significant and beautiful moment.
♥ Laurie straight-up THROWING A CHAIR at Waldorf during a Xanga; Wally laughed SO HARD it was adorable. Chaos 0 came in later and was SO CONFUSED.
♥ The "heater hell" night; going outside & lying on the roof of the car, looking up at the stars in the cold, and Laurie suddenly ghosting to my left. The feeling I got, with her & beneath the sky... it was transcendent. Looking up into space & shivering, my eyes full of tears, I felt both scared & reassured-- there was the big picture, and I was so small! But then, seeing her looking up too, that iron-violet smile crinkling her face... I felt that yes, I still mattered. I was PART of all that, here, with her.
♥ When physical life gets overwhelming & scary & depressing... remember that what you SEE is NOT ALL THERE IS!! The things-- and people-- that TRULY matter can ONLY be seen with the HEART. So GO THERE!! Spend time TOGETHER again, with EVERYONE! Find people! Meet people! Learn things! FIGHT things! Talk for hours! Just LIVE, TOGETHER!! THAT is what will get us through. WE ARE "RECOVERY." Re-read and print out ALL the beautiful moments we wrote down... then go make some new ones!

july 30, part one.


when someone fronts, I can usually get the first few seconds of data before they lock in hard. things are more mutable, more global. more accessible. once they really click it's all theirs; I might later get echoes, like music clinging to the walls of a theater after the concert has ended, like a hymn dripping from the great bowed lungs of a church ceiling long after those of the congregation have filled with silence alone… but it's not the symphony itself. music is how we decorate time. art is how we decorate space.
to front is a concerto.
to come in after someone else is the breath between songs.
this entry is my trying to translate it all onto a blank canvas.

but the canvas is never really blank to begin with, one could say.

the stone holds the sculpture within it before the sculptor even picks up their chisel.
you just have to look at it with your heart.
and you just know.

nothingness is never really nothing.

genesis and I were talking about it this morning… fronting and echoes and why it's so hard for him to do it. you can conceptualize about it all you want, but when you actually experience it, that's a whole other thing. it's tangible. there's a pulse to it. it's so… real, in beautiful paradoxical spite of its inherent intangibility. but that's the beauty of fronting. of switching. it's like… you're sitting in the back seat of a car, and someone else is driving. but you're half asleep, or there's a divider between them and you, or it's a limousine-- for whatever reason, there's a distance, and although you know they're there, directing that entire vehicle, you entrusting your life into their hands, you can't quite see them clearly, can't quite hear them over the road noise and humming engine, can't quite focus on them and everything blurring past the windows. driving at dawn. driving at dusk. three in the morning. and the suddenly they stop the car, open the door, and get out. and they either open your door and pick you up and put you in the driver's seat, or you get up by yourself and stumble around the car to collapse in their spot, or you scramble up and over the front seat divider to grab the steering wheel (because some people don't put the car in park when they get out)-- either way, now you're up front, and they're in the back or walking down the road or flat out god knows where, and you can't remember what it was like to not be driving, but… but there's an echo. even if you can't quite recall anything but now, you know there was just something very different and you cannot deny it because suddenly, tangibly, you can touch it.
for those first few moments, you feel them there. you feel their warmth all around your back, under your hands, the change of the texture on the steering wheel from where they touched it, the different slope of the seat from how they needed to sit, the way the mirrors are all positioned differently, the smell of perfume or sweat or dirt or engine oil or candy or blood or flowers or salt water in the air--
that's switching. that's coming back in after someone else.
and genesis just chuckled and said, infi just breaks a whole damn bottle of spikenard over the dashboard.
and ze really does.
so when infinitii first moved in to front last night, it was like those first few moments when you begin to fall asleep. reality is softly melting, spiraling gently down like galaxy arms into nothingness, but it's not "nothingness" in the way one might assume, it's so full, but OF nothing, and it's just… it's infi. it's infi, entirely. black energy.
you can write a library about it and there still wouldn't be any words to properly describe it. it's like how I look at the bible, or at least, how I feel the bible is, from what I get of it, in my heart. spotty, bits and pieces, what stuck with us. like… scripture for us, if we ever wrote one-- and maybe in our own damn weird way we already have, verbally and physically and everything else-- would be that exact feeling I get when I come back after infi fronts with enough eyes to be hir own entire celestial hierarchy. it's… like my ribcage is just gloriously cracked open, leaking liquid gold, and I'm just… soaking my hands in it like a saint in mad ecstasy (and doesn't that just sum up the entire core of my faith) and… splaying my hands on the walls in calligraphic twirls and drags and desperate pulls and soaring hallelujah arcs and endless gold, miles and miles of gilded blood, staining my feet forever so that any path I walk with this becomes sacred. cathedral walls spattered with deific gore. self-sacrifice. plunging a sword through your heart because that is the closest damn feeling you can get to that burning need to tangle the threads of your soul with God and it's just…
it's infi. at the core of everything it's… it's infinitii. it's that feeling.
I don't just get it with hir. but it defines hir. and that's what is so utterly ungraspable about this. the human mind can't look at it without keeling over, dead and delirious with it. like that scene in neil gaiman's sandman series, with isis in the strip club. that just screamed infi. you boys looking for this? be careful what you wish for. here's the undiluted truth.

and then that decides to front in our body in order to kiss a white-haired boy in a different headspace.
it's… god. there is such significance in that. I think ollie knows, too. I think ollie gets it, deep down, what that meant. it's like all those myths about deities and divinities falling in love with humans. humans, for god's sake, we little fragile things, we think so lowly of ourselves, we're dirt, we're dust, and yet God himself/herself/(hirself) is in love with us--

the first thing I remember is seeing gold.
whatever infi was feeling, being, doing-- hir mind is always, always so incredibly empty. and not in a sense of lack. empty as in… the space between the stars. it's a different sort of empty-- something that is void because it's simultaneously the exact opposite of void; it's the cosmic origin. the orphic egg. zefirum.
there is too much bleedover right now. god. no wonder we're a polygroup.
but infi's 'thoughts' are always so heartbreakingly singular. there's one thing ze is feeling, and it translates into what we humans think of as mind, and it just… time doesn't exist in there, in infi, at all. not time as we recognize it, at least.
infi threw the most costly fragrance in the book all over my car and when it filled my lungs in that first instant all I saw was architecture. white. MY color. white and gold and soaring sacred walls and points and arches and it looked like the freaking taj mahal. a grand expansive labor of grief and love, ardor and sorrow built with a kiss in every stone that makes it. white and gold and light. just that single image, held as less of a literal thing and more of a… would you even call that a feeling? like a projector with one slide in it. just glowing on the walls of your chest forever. that single still. that stillness. that singularity.

the second thing I remember is a thought.
there may have been that luminous backdrop to infi's mind, or what have you, but that thought-- there was only one, and it's the same thing, the same thing ze felt last night and which I now achingly wonder if ze feels forever when touching this world, when touching anything that's outside of hir-- that single phrase, repeated like a mantra, repeated like a prayer, like a clock ticking the same second over and over and over and over, time like a heartbeat stumbling over itself with its arms full of roses,

I want you to feel this; I want you to feel this; I want you to feel this--

and "this" being "everything."

and every word holding an infinity of meaning in itself.

I
want
you
to
feel
this--

and being so scared that nothing would get through.

how ironic is that.

but… oh, infi. oh beloved. darling. you don't… you forget how indilutably vast you are, when you're so carefully trying to inhabit these breakable little bones. stepping into it like you're afraid something will shatter if you don't completely wrap it in velvet first. so slow, so delicate, such an ache--
compassion, compassion, and more than that--
you forget. you always get so caught up and I love that but… in those moments, you were trying to put the galaxy into the point of a pin and you forgot that it's not going to change the fact that it's a damn GALAXY.
you can put a star in a shot glass, and of course it's going to feel smaller, fragile, afraid of breaking everything, afraid of how huge it is in comparison to that tiny tabernacle… but the light is still pouring out of it.
you can put infinitii in a human body but that blessed endless void does not get diminished at all.

the third thing I remember is the ache.
the third thing I remember is the burn.
the third thing I remember is the pouring out--

the third thing I remember is this split second brilliance as an angel kissed a human and neither of them owned those bones and neither of them cared and I cannot even put that millisecond into words--

and that's all.

but there's this rush in my ribs and when I somehow shuddered back in when ze left, whenever it was, wherever it was, our hand was against his face and I felt like waking up from a dream and everything was so surreal and my entire heart felt like the taj mahal. that same still image suddenly liquefied and poured over my head like I was being anointed.
and this beloved boy shaking just inches away and I could not even imagine what he was feeling but deep down I knew. I knew because I have been there.
he said the night air smelled different now. he said he couldn't stop looking at the stars. I knew the feeling. I knew that feeling, and suddenly I was SEEING that feeling, in someone else, in someone else that I loved too, and it was just… transcendent.

sacred scripture is a love poem to god.

he couldn’t' stop shaking. I couldn’t' stop smiling and I don't even know why that was how it was translating but I think it was because if I let myself feel my echoes of that same feeling, I would be… I would be shaking just as hard. maybe even harder.
i… oliver said infi gave him this look.
I know what it feels like to meet those eyes with that look.
I kept asking him if he was okay, not because I feared otherwise-- of course he was okay, you can't not be "okay" after that, you're MORE than okay forever-- but because I knew that he might not be able to come back down.
it's like fairyland, they say. once you dine there, you either stay forever, or you return home and pine for it just as long.
that's infi.

it's really all just theophagy, isn't it.

(the fourth thing I remember is the--)

and oliver is lying there with this equally indescribable look in his eyes and he's shaking and breathing like his lungs are full of stained glass and suddenly his next exhale is this ragged intimate whisper and two single desperately untranslatable words-- "fuck me."

and infi just says "don't tempt me.”

and I said "don't you dare," and I laughed, because I was terrified, because I felt that.
I recognized that.

why the hell do you think I always half-joke about how I feel in churches.

I cannot even remember what happened next because my heart just tripped and
I don't even know, man. numinous dread. the ecstasy of the saints. same damn thing.


the fifth thing I remember is not being there anymore.

the car was full of perfume again. everything was this heady gorgeous rush and there are stars hanging from my rearview mirror and when I look up to see what monument we just passed, all I get is this glimpse--

I was there and then I wasn't and suddenly Infinitii was back in my bones and just
looking at oliver.
that smile. infi has this way ze smiles with her eyes and it is just… it's gold. it's pure gold. it’s warm and precious and crushingly expensive and yet you just want to soak in it. you want to fill your veins with it-- not pour them out. it's the exact flipside of hir teeth-side, those eyes. there's this… this gentleness to it that is still absolutely fucking terrifying because it's fathomless. there is NO bottom to it. those are unchartable depths and yet they just pull at your heartstrings like you're a damn harp and suddenly all you want is to hear whatever music ze can pull out of you, you want to feel that quiet careful night-black angelic touch inside your chest forever--
but that look. infi just… couldn't stop. it felt like a timeless thing in and of itself, that little glimpse I got of it. that feeling of utterly adorable demureness when ollie asked "what?" and ze couldn't respond because this was different but it was all the same, the b-side of a record, the secret song, and ze just couldn't stop smiling and I have no idea what came after that because the flood of pink from hir heart was like a church full of roses and I just can't. I can't be there for that, it's too sacred.

god I hope ollie remembers that forever because I am immortalizing what pieces I saw. I can only imagine what his personal experience of it was like.
I am so damn happy he got to feel that.

the sixth thing I remember are the words.

infinitii cannot speak and see at the same time when ze fronts. it's one or the other.
human bodies don't have wings. human bodies can't extend their souls out into the ether and make it part of them, can't touch it and have it already have been part of them, can't turn air into feathers and sky into sight and diamonds into teeth. infinitii cannot translate into a human body, not ever completely, and so when ze is in one, ze has to lose something in the process.

it is extremely dangerous for infi to have a mouth on hir face in headspace. it's too heavy of a vibe shift. it's too black. it's too PURELY black. it's like ink, like darkmatter, like forgetting to breathe. it's that moment right before sleep swallows you. it's waking up in the middle of the night too quickly for reality to exist in the room yet. it's wondering what it feels like to die. it's wondering what it feels like to not die.
black, black, black. beautiful and terrifying. numinous dread. infinitii eternos.

and yet if infinitii wanted to kiss that human boy, ze had to do it anyway.

so, with god only knows how much courage and compassion and hope, infinitii closed hir eyes and opened our mouth and moved into our body and spoke. straight out of the blackness, those words. that's all infi was, that's all infi could be in that form-- just words and feelings. just language and not language. space and space and space.
the void yawning open before you.

and ze spoke.

"I don't want to hurt you.”

it was like someone cleaved my heart in two.
god.
infi knew. ze KNEW how dangerous ze was like that. to do something holy, ze had to risk becoming a demon. to be able to touch this world, to be able to touch a life, ze had to risk hir potential to utterly ravage it. black energy is a horrifically dichotomous thing, united impossibly, perfectly, like all divine things. eyes and teeth. eyes or teeth. both and neither. angel and human. alive and not alive. here and not here. both and both and both--

that fcking burning. that stellar ache. I cannot believe ollie said that actually bled through.
infi didn't want to hurt him and infi didn't want to hurt me but I had already been hurt and it was not hir fault but ze was so terrified that ze would accidentally amplify that pain in someone else simply by virtue of being made of the same damn stuff.
tar. blackness. the nigredo. putrefaction. transmutation. the sacred dark.
it's the same damn stuff.

but infi didn't expect that response.
"you won't."

and infi didn't expect to believe it with all hir heart.

"when is a monster not a monster?"
"oh, when you love it."

just because infi cannot see in this body doesn't mean that ze's blind.

music is how we decorate time.
art is how we decorate space.
the sculptor sees the angel in the block of marble before it's ever been touched by human hands because the sculptor isn't looking with their eyes, the eyes are what sees that truth manifested after, when the work of the heart has been done. when the angel has been revealed by fingertips searching blindly-not-blindly to chip away at what is in order to expose what is, and the distinction is so deep, and no human eyes could ever see it, but that doesn't matter because there are other eyes--

the last thing I remember is the beginning of it all.

it came through. It came through like a gunshot to the heart because that's my vibe, that's my ridiculous snowflake diamond-ring fragility and infi was feeling it, INFI, this absolutely magnificent being that takes up a whole damn planet when ze is in the room, that turns a room into a planet, that turns a galaxy into a bubble, that turns a soap bubble into all that is-- infi, my infi, heart of my heart, infi was faltering over feelings like ze was on hir knees and that's my feeling, that's hir feeling, and I just--
it wasn't false. it wasn't… it wasn't shaking because it was weak. it was shaking because that shot glass can only hold a supernova for so long before you want to fcking swallow it. the glass begins to crack only because your hands are shaking and that light is reflecting in your arteries and every heartbeat is suddenly the big bang all over again and what else is there to say?
what else, ever, is there to say?

sometimes I think that's how the big bang happened in the first place.
sometimes I know that's how the big bang happened in the first place.

and infi was there in this incomprehensibly tender intimate sacred beautiful joyous weaving of arms and legs and bodies and hir/my/our (dear god) were against his face and against his pulse and I swear I would have died but infi stayed, because infi is beyond and within death in every moment already and every pause between heartbeats is hir homeland and--

and infi kissed him.

fronting is a symphony. this entry is a painting. all I've done is throw black paint over the canvas and laugh and weep and ache because that's it, that's all there is, that's all there is--

in the middle of everything, in the middle of nothing, infi just held time in a single ticking moment, over and over, always and never, here and here and here and here--
and in the same rush of desperately untranslatable breath ze spoke four single universally understood words that were more felt than heard and which I can't even touch but I will never forget, I can't ever forget--

this terrifying angel of the void wrapped up in human bones and blood held a human boy in hir borrowed arms and said, tearing the veil forever,

"I love you too."

 

(written all at once, without warning, as it was happening ( stream-of-consciousness). left unfinished. god willing, will re-enter this timespace and finish the event in the future. nevertheless what is written here is real.)





Jewel Lightraye stepped onto the battlefield, sneakers crunching in the snow.
Everything was so pale. The ground was covered in a bleary cold whiteness, forbidding life from growing, the low wind blowing away all footprints in swathes of dusty, frigid air. It didn’t even look clean, not underneath that dark and dim of a sky, suffocating in a fog so low and thick it felt like being trapped under a carpet of insulation. Everything was painted the dimmest shade of bleached-out indigo. Everything felt dead.
She stopped, shivering hard all at once, as the temperature data finally bit into her, like needles through her summer clothes. Her body responded with the sudden urge to cry and curl up in a ball in that dingy ashen floor of a snowdrift. Her reply was to reach up and adjust her baseball cap more tightly onto her head, before taking a resolute step forwards.
The crunch surprised her now, even though she had heard it just as clearly the first time. After having taken in all that desolation, the sudden squeak of ice and rubber soles was shockingly alive, a sign of something moving, something with hope in it yet, striving forwards—

“Jewel! Is that you?”
She spun to her left at the sudden voice, in time to see three familiar and beloved individuals appearing out of the dark fog, running up the sloping hill to her.
Ryou was the first in line, his arms wrapped tightly about his signature blue-and-white striped shirt. At least he’s got long sleeves, Jewel thought amusedly.
“Yeah, it’s me,” she replied, feeling oddly nostalgic at that. “What’s up?”
“What’s up?” Ryou repeated, eyebrows raising slightly. “Where are we? What is this?”
Jewel peered over his shoulder as he spoke. Marik was there, but he had pulled on his old Rare Hunter hoodie, which was virtually the same color as the sky here. Despite having more clothes cover than the rest of the gang, he looked positively distressed, at least as much as he would let show like this. He was shivering more than Ryou.
She shrugged, focusing her eyes back on the snow-haired boy before her (the flakes weren’t even visible in his hair until they melted into drops; if it wasn’t so depressing here it might have been pretty).
“I have no idea,” she stated, “but that’s typical fare for us I guess.” Ryou smiled at that, but it was tinged with something like… regret? Sadness?
“It is.” His voice was starting to sound like the weather.
A small silence settled into the wake of those words, and Jewel, heart beginning to twinge with concern, pushed up on her toes to peer over Ryou’s other shoulder. Sure enough, there he was.
Standing with his back half-turned to her, a creature looking like the ocean tide personified stood in silence, wrapped up in himself just as much as the rest of them, his gem-green eyes rife with enough turbulent anguish to drown everyone around if it got loose. The very sight of that sent a lightning-sharp strike of pain straight through Jewel’s heart.
“What… were you all this sad before you came here? Or do you not know?” she asked Ryou, as she began to shiver for real this time.
“I’m not sure,” he replied. “It could be both.”
“We were all sad and this is making it worse,” Marik’s voice sparked like a dying fire from under his dark hood.
For a moment no one said anything, then all their attention turned silently to Chaos 0.
His wet eyes darkened. “There’s something dark and carnivorous here,” he began, his voice far more level than his friends expected in this situation. “It’s in the air. It’s in the snow.” He turned his deep-sea gaze to Jewel, so pointedly that for a moment she wasn’t sure where she was. “Where are we, Jewel?”
Now both the other boys turned to look at her.
“I…” she faltered. She had said she didn’t know, but now thinking it over, she supposed it was only half true. She had no idea what this place literally was, true, but if there’s one thing she knew for sure about Heartspace it’s that it was always, always, adherent to that term.
Whatever place they were in right now, it had existed inside them first.
“…Hopelessness,” she said all at once, and saw a flash of pain sear through Marik’s eyes. “Despair. The sense of being lost and not knowing where one is, let alone where to go.”
She paused. “…Loneliness? I-I mean,” she faltered, “we’ve got each other, but—”
“…Do we really?” Ryou responded, and everyone looked back at him.
“I know you all feel it,” he continued, his voice picking up a twinge of too-dark paranoia. “Who are we now? Where DO we go from—“
“That’s the REASON this place is like it is, Bakura!!” Chaos suddenly snapped, like a dam breaking. “You—you were never this existential, you were never this doubtful of your own existence! Markus, you were never this scared!!”
A sudden profound silence fell over them. Chaos had used Marik’s new name.
“…It’s a little hard not to be scared with that in the air,” the boy in question replied, withdrawing further into his hoodie. Whatever fire was in him before was now turned to slush.
Chaos looked up, starkly into the distance, as if planning something. Then he turned back to Jewel.
“This place is unstable, Jewel. I know you’re trying to hold it together but the very nature of this place is messing with everyone here. Including me,” he added, pressing a hand to the gem in his chest. Jewel
was struck by the sudden remembrance of it. “Whatever this place is, it IS from us, and we’re here because we’re here on the outside too, and we need to get through this.” He winced. “…Or we’ll freeze to death.”
Jewel set her face like flint at that. Nodding once, she turned to the right, raised her arm, and sent a tunnel of fire blasting through ahead of them.
The two boys watched, wide-eyed, as the fire seemed to stretch on terribly far, even as the fog swallowed it up.
“Shoot,” Jewel said, a hint of despair creeping into her voice.
“Don’t,” Chaos put a huge clawed hand on her shoulder. “Don’t give in. It’s hard enough for me to hold out for your sake; if you lose hope we’re all doomed.”
She looked up at him, heart aching with what he had just said, but she nodded again. “I’ll try,” she said.
He smiled, just as achingly. “You’d better.”
“…Jewel?”
She turned back around to see Ryou—or was it Rio now?—wringing his hands with a sudden lack of fright, and an equally surprising clatter of insect-claws against his arms.
“I’m sorry,” he said, somewhat confusedly. “I’m… let’s just go.” He took a few steps forwards to stand beside her, eyes shining blue, and still following where the fire had gone.
A giant spidery figure crept up to overshadow the boy.
“Rio,” it pronounced, and Jewel swore it had managed to say both his names at once, “Walk.”
He did. One step in and he quickly turned to look at Jewel, a pleading sort of helplessness in it, a total lack of understanding that required as much support as it could get.
In turn, Jewel turned her head around to give Markus (as he was now, so many years later) a look of fire, of confidence, a silent statement of “I believe in you and I want you with us.” Then, unable to help it, she grinned in her lopsided way and motioned for him to follow. A tiny smile crinkled his violet eyes in response, and with one last (and not unmissed) glance towards the shadows behind him, he hurried forwards to join the rest of them.

“So why is Lethe here.”
Rio looked scared at Jewel’s blunt question, and opening his mouth in surprise, failed to say anything at first.
“I—”
“He needs to carry his fears separately,” the monstrous being replied with unusual calmness, looking down at the boy. “They will devour him otherwise.”
Rio said nothing to that-- he only tightened his lips and kept his eyes locked straight ahead.
“Markus,” the daemon spoke, “you should do the same.”
He flinched hard at the near-accusation. “I-I can’t,” he stuttered in real fright, “I’m not ready to face her yet, not like this—“
“You may have to,” was the reply. “Especially in a place like this.”
Then, silence. Jewel looked back and saw that Markus was looking down, fighting back real tears. This was so unlike how he used to be when they first met—all proud enthusiastic daring—that it broke her heart. She hung back a step to fall in sync with him, and tentatively put a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her, his deep bronze skin seeming washed-out in the pallor of the place.
“You don’t know what she’s like,” he whispered. “She frightens me, Jewel. She’s…” he broke off momentarily, struggling with words. “…She’s a reminder of what I’ve been trying to ignore all these years-- a blatant, un-ignorable reminder.” He took a sudden breath as his eyes hardened. “She’s an in-your-face statement that ‘you’re not as tough as you think you are! You’re just a scared little kid playing God to forget the fact that you’re terrified and helpless and you’ve never felt so alone in your life.’ And then I met you guys.” Almost apologetically, his voice softened again. “Then I… I slowly stopped wanting to rule the world. I slowly started to be happy with what I had. But I was so scared of losing it, losing you, all of you, in any way, that I… the fear just changed shape. And now it looks like her. She’s pride and glory on one side, and helpless despair on the other.”
“Rags and riches?” Jewel offered.
Markus chuckled. “Kind of. More like… power and the total lack of it. Success, and the total lack of it. Gold and dirt. Rags and riches,” he shrugged, and laughed a little more genuinely this time. “I guess you’re right.”
Jewel smiled too, but it was still sad at the edges.
“So your Vice is… what? Pride?” Chaos asked, his brow furrowed.
Markus shrugged again, quickly, as if trying to shake the thought from his shoulders. “Maybe.”
“What does she feel like?” Jewel asked.
Markus considered this, looking momentarily up and ahead at Rio, who as obviously listening but not daring to turn or stop with his own embodied Vice pushing him forwards.
“--Rio, what does Lethe feel like?” Markus suddenly asked, audibly pushing through hesitation to do so.
“What?” came the baffled reply, as the boy faltered to a stop to turn and face his friend. The creature in question did the same, its single eye appearing to smile, as neutrally as one could imagine.
“I…” Markus’s hesitation replied in the shadow of that thing. “…Y-your daemon, it… aren’t daemons supposed to be Vices? Worst fears? Your biggest shadows?”
”Yeah…” Rio began, noncommittal.
“Well…” Markus gulped. “W-what’s yours?”
Rio said nothing for several seconds. The question hadn’t appeared to fully register, and it was obvious he wasn’t planning (or able) to respond.
“’What do I feel like,’ you mean?” Lethe murmured, amused. “Tell them, Rio. Tell them how I’m your fear of what lurks in the dark when you turn off the light, or the utter lack thereof. Tell them how I’m the sound of nothing when you lock all the doors. Tell them how I’m the redness behind your eyes--”
“Okay, okay!!” the white-haired boy nearly sobbed. “Lethe is… my fear of my unknowing. He’s my fear that nothing out there really exists, or even worse, that the only thing that exists is nothing. I’m scared that… I’m scared of everything out there that can turn me into nothing. Of laziness, and “Sloth,” and of not wanting to do anything but waste my days away with addictions and distractions because I’m scared of facing the emptiness beyond. I’m scared because I know he’s right, but I don’t know how to… how to learn from him yet.”
“It takes time, River,” the daemon spoke with unusual softness. “But the waters will move.”
Chaos visibly pondered that.
“You’re forgetfulness and death,” Jewel suddenly said. “Lethe and Styx.”
“I am,” he replied. “I am emptiness. I am the Void he runs from.”
“But I thought Daemons held both good and bad sides of the coin?” Jewel continued unsurely.
This time, Lethe’s smiling eye was far darker.
“Do I not?” His voice was like distant thunder. “Tell me, Jewel. Who is Dendrite to you?”
Jewel was the silent one now, her mind outright blanking out at the question. “I don’t know,” she said simply.
And Lethe laughed, a low watery rumble of a thing that shook her bones. “You run from your own heart and interrogate others who do the same. Be not a hypocrite, Jewel.”
Shamed by the harsh but too-true accusation, she lowered her gaze.
But… Dendrite. The name of her elusive alleged Daemon. Jewel knew she existed, but… where? How? Then again, Jewel had never given much of a thought to her own “vices,” had never even considered that she might have any at all… her innocent ignorance of sorts had gotten the better of her. Now, it seemed that the simple reality that she HAD a Daemon manifested somewhere was unsettling enough.
“…What is death, but only a door?”
She looked up.
“What is forgetfulness, when tied to fear?” Lethe continued. “Consider it, Jewel. A Daemon is a curse and a blessing. It is our nature. We cannot be otherwise. Fear us as you will, but remember—” and he smiled again, like crinkled silver—“we cannot exist without you. We are of you. And if there is any good in you, then there is just as much good in us.”
“…And what if there’s a lot of bad in us?” Rio mumbled, his voice almost stomped flat.
Lethe turned to him now, and in one liquid motion, curled up to be almost face-to-face with the boy. “What is ‘bad’ to you, Rio?”
“’Bad’ means harmful to my soul, or someone else’s,” he replied, a bitter sharpness creeping into his tone.
“Am I ‘bad’ to you, Rio?”
A pause; he was struggling with the question. “…I’m… not sure. You feel bad, you feel like all the bad in me, but you’ve never done anything to hurt me…”
“Then take that as a lesson, child,” the creature responded with subtle gravity. “You do not have to act on it. You can die to it. And then you can forget being what you were when you fell victim to it in the past.”
“Why would I want to forget the wrong I’ve done??” Rio burst out.
“So you can move on,” Lethe said simply. “Forget, after you have died to it. Don’t go back. Don’t drag yourself back into the grave you must rise from.”
Rio was again silent. His face was hot with tears and confusion and he looked even more knotted-up than Markus had earlier.
“Does that answer your question now, Jewel?”
She jumped, surprised at the Daemon’s sudden question. “I—yeah. I’ll have to think about it. But I’ve got it.”
“Don’t think too much,” the spidery thing chuckled.

They started walking again. No one was speaking. The fog and snow continued to whirl about
them, as dead and cold as ever, and Jewel noticed with no small amount of fright that she was starting to numb to it. Her mind, in an attempt to “protect her” from the inclement environment, was shutting down her ability to feel the cold, to see the shadows.
Almost impulsively, she flared up another burst of fire around her body, and flung it forwards into the half-night. Again, it seared through the fog and snow, but this time, the further it went, the darker the sky got around it, until it seemed to hit something solid and pitch-dark.
They all stopped at that.
“What are you trying to do, Jewel?” Lethe lazily inquired.
“Is that a wall?” Chaos questioned agitatedly. “Is this a dead end??”
Almost instantly Markus ran up to it, his hood falling away in the sudden burst of speed, champagne-gold locks catching a few feeble snowflakes. He closed the distance between them and the wall in a surprising matter of seconds—as intention tended to do in Heartspace—and without warning, began striking at it with the bladed end of his Rod.
“No!! This can’t be it!! You can’t just trap us here, you can’t just block us from getting any further!!” Furious and despairing, he struck the wall again with all his might. “Damn it!”
A solid chip of wall shattered off and flew to land on the ground behind him. The snow was fading here, the cold was dulling out, the sky above them losing what little color it had. Everything was now slowly vanishing away into that odd brassy-black stone, into an even more pervading sense of night… or no, something even darker than that; this darkness was in the absence of a sun or a moon, the sort of total black one only felt underground.
Markus was sobbing now, slumping against the wall, Chaos standing behind him in a desperate attempt to comfort. Rio appeared torn between numbness and compassion, and some awful sort of fear was holding him still, tears streaming down his face.
A voice came.

“Markus.”

He jumped notably, his whole body convulsing with fear. “No!!” He cried. “No, not you, not now, not here!!” Hysterical, Markus ran into Chaos’ arms and clung to the blue creature, almost choking from terror.
At this, Rio cast a heart-wrenching glance towards Jewel, and in that moment she understood just how lost he really was here, in the place that was just as white and dark and lonely as… wait.
Her eyes widened for a moment, but she cast that away just as quickly, refusing to dwell on that detail when it was obvious he needed support now. She moved over to him and wrapped her arms about his shoulders. He returned the gesture, tangibly relieved, but still shaking.
It struck her that he still felt as young as he did years ago, that he still felt safe to be around, like this. Despite his fear there was no ego to it; there was no sense of pride or performance or pity to it. No, he felt a need for love and he turned to someone he knew he could feel that with. There was nothing but childlike trust in that, something she treasured, something their quadruple-friendship here was built upon. Whatever bitter edges he had begun to show earlier had been completely rubbed down to velvet nubs now, so to speak. Everything was as soft and safe as it should be.
She wondered if Lethe’s appearance was responsible.
“Jewel,” Rio began, his voice thick with regret and apology.
“Yeah?”
“I… I’m so sorry, I didn’t know how to comfort him, I—” he broke off, audibly crushed by this.
Jewel looked at him compassionately. “Maybe don’t try so hard?” she began. “I mean… you and me, I think we worry too much. Chaos just kind of… went over there. He didn’t do anything, but that might’ve been intrusive? I dunno,” she hesitated. “He was there when Markus needed him. He was close enough.” Another tight pause. “And I was here for you. Maybe that’s all we can do?”
“Hm,” Rio considered. “You sure that’s enough?”
“Maybe we should ask.”
“Rio!! Jewel!!”
They both turned at Markus’s shout.
“On second thought, there’s our chance,” Jewel said, and the two ran over to their friend.

Rio began apologizing before he even stopped running. “Markus, I’m so sorry I didn’t come over here earlier—”
“You had that thing behind you, it’s okay,” the violet boy said-- and then appeared abashed for having expressed such a sentiment in earshot of said ‘thing.’ “I’m sorry,” he added ruefully.
“You know she’s here,” Lethe stated simply, and Markus’s face turned into a tangle of frustrated fear and sorrow all over again.
“Of course I know,” he spat. “I knew as soon as I saw her wall. She always…” he swallowed. “She always traps me in here.”
“Seems rather indicative of your subconscious,” his friend’s Daemon again calmly retorted.
Markus clenched his fists but remained silent. “What, that I’m trapped in here with her?” he replied at length.
“No, that you’re trapped because you refuse to face the minotaur. There is a way out of this labyrinth, child,” Lethe continued. “But she is guarding the exit.”
…



“…I’m scared of her,” he whispered once more, terribly vulnerable in the confession.
“We know,” Lethe observed, but his voice was oddly reassuring. “As is right, for we are indeed Daemons. Rio is terrified of me as well, if you have not forgotten.”
“But—but he—“ Markus gestured with a sort of frustrated despair at his friend. “But he’s letting you near him!! He’s TALKING to you!!” He stopped, his breath hitching, as his eyes caught a new light emanating from somewhere above—something gold. “How can he be scared if he’s just… letting you be there?”
Rio fidgeted a little at that. Lethe gave him a knowing look, and waited.
“…I bury it, Markus,” he said at length. “I… I’m scared of admitting that I’m scared? You’re a stronger man than me in that respect.”
“Oh, only that respect?” Markus retorted, a slight but brave smile in his shaking voice.
At that unexpected, familiar jab, Rio actually smiled back, a real smile, with a real chuckle lighting it up. “Y-yeah,” he added, just as bravely, and reached up with a slightly trembling hand to indicate his thick smoke-blue locks. “That and your hair game, I’ll give you that.”
And Markus laughed.

The gloom around them was suddenly warmer. The indigo shade had now shifted into something strangely luminous, even in the pervading shadows-- something bringing out a glint of sun-yellow even in the black walls.
Every one of them was smiling now, remembering what life had felt like back in the old days when they were kids; always joking with each other like this, never doubtful of each other no matter how dark it got. And now, once again, they were all momentarily wrapped up in nothing but that simple happiness, the lightness of being so suddenly triggered by a genuine bit of laughter, of good humor, of optimism even in the midst of strife… …And Lethe was still there.
He slowly curled into Rio’s shoulder again.
“So how does it feel to forget?”
Rio’s smile disappeared. Yet his face did not darken—instead, his eyes widened, his mouth now quiet with surprise.

Markus was still giggling at that old injoke, fingers playing with his gold-dust hair, but his eyes were wet, and his voice was quickly changing to match.
“…Markus?” Jewel asked, hesitantly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he insisted with an oddly bright calmness, but he was smiling up at her with those same sad eyes.. “I’m absolutely fine. And this is what I never want to lose, ever,” he emphasized, his expression now beginning to crack at the edges. “This. I don’t want to go back to being afraid or confused or alone or—I don’t want to lose this anymore—”
“Have you ever really lost it, Markus?” a voice cut through the air.
And he breathed in as sharply as a knife.
Something gold was stepping out of the shadows behind Rio, where there was no trace of fog or snow, only the edges of a maze deep beneath the ground.
It was a towering, sharp thing, with limbs like needles, clock hands, dagger-blades… it walked with unfaltering precision, with unsettling poise. Everything about it was polished and deadly.
It stopped, thirty feet away from Markus, and gazed down at him with a single, brilliant yellow eye.
Then its gaze softened.
“Markus.”
He clamped his hands to his ears and fell to his knees, sobbing.

Rio was now looking back and forth between boy and beast in utter shock,



“Why are you so afraid of me?” she asked, quietly.

 

It suddenly struck Jewel that she’d never seen any of their Daemons act so kindly before.

 

***daemons do love their partner-souls but they also TAKE NO SHIT. They will NOT mollycoddle ANYONE for ANY REASON. If markus is running from his fears, his daemon is going to catch him and make him face them, no questions asked. A daemon knows ones bleakest parts and it exists to help you RECOGNIZE AND TRANSMUTE THEM. They literally cannot help you if you wont accept their existence— as rejecting them is rejecting that part of YOUR SOUL!!! The shadow IS vital for growth! A daemon just makes it that much easier to grapple with, when that dark awareness is held in something with a face and a heart that loves you, even if it has a rather sharp way of showing it. If you can learn to love them in return, then congratulations, you can now love yourself the same way. And that love is MANDATORY to reach one’s best self. The toughest part is the first acceptance though… that initial cognizance of what a daemon IS, what it carries, and the fact that it is part of you. The shame, guilt, fear, anger, and denial can be potent. Hence the separation of selves—if you can’t accept that part of yourself literally at first, at least accept it in them as something taken from you. Again, the ultimate goal is to learn UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for yourself and EVERYONE ELSE, without losing honor and righteous devotion. It’s a process and at first it is indeed rocky. But step 1 is always to open your mind and heart. It all goes from there.***

 

“We are not evil, no more than you are. Take that as you will.”
But Markus’ face was shaken.
“Why is everyone here so afraid of being evil?” Chaos frustratedly spoke up from behind his friend. “

 

Later, in response to “what’s Infinitii’s vice, then?”
“It’s… the vice of not realizing that my vices are vices.”

 

 

 

 

 

oh my gosh i swear if THAT'S how the parnassus story ends, just, dear god it aches.
i cannot even form words

why why why.
why is every single freaking leagueworld so bittersweet and beautiful my heart cannot take this

every story ends like that, on a broken crystal note. on light blooming from absolute pitch black darkness. EVERY ONE.
EVERY SINGLE LEAGUEWORLD has that.
every single world i've seen to its end has just... torn my heart into pieces, then kissed the shards and put them back together

i haven't seen dream world end. it's not going to really. just... the "timeframe" of the written story, so to speak, DOES have an end and I KNOW how it has to end, how it must end, they know too, a lot of them.... but... oh man i can't even imagine how that's going to play out. my heart is not capable of seeing it right now. i just... i love those people so much it makes me tear up just writing that, i ADORE them, i could name every single character and explain why i loved them each, they are such beautiful people. and i want to see how this all concludes but not yet. not yet. i can't.
but. but but but the beginning and the middle and the extended universe stuff and all the things i see about it are just... there are little endings everywhere. there are like, six different 'perspective' stories leading up to the main "book" one with maitru, and they are all indispensable, they are all beautiful, i love them all... but all those little endings. this story, this leagueworld, has more depth and love to it than anything else i've ever known and that's why i have no idea how hard the "real" ending is going to be. i think i'd die. in a good way. but still. this story is my life, their world is my world, it will never have a fixed conclusion, it will always grow, it's too glorious to have any sort of limits... but a book always has a last page, a series always has a last installment, and that's what is making my heart ache like a violin string. how will it happen.

hokthai... same thing. i have a strong idea of how it might end but god please i can't. if it's going to end the way i THINK it will i will be crying for weeks if not longer. i don't know. i cannot see an ending for that world/story at all yet, there's too much shifting in the middle, but it's getting DEEPER and that's amazing because hokthai didn't have depth like that before, it was one of the surface-sparkle series that didn't disclose its truest heart to me yet. but now... suddenly it is. out of nowhere, suddenly it's getting deeper, bit by bit. of course hosea is instigating that. i love him SO MUCH, i'm still learning about everyone else though... that's the thing. i still need to take special time and reconnect with them all. but i can feel that quiet promise of resonance. i want to know how the story unfolds, richly. i want to know how it really runs. but the ending feels so loud in my head. i can't see it, but i can feel everything around it, building up to it. and i'm afraid it's already promising to break my heart, so.

lg*girls is another surface-sparkle one, i have no idea what that's doing at all yet. so i can't say anything there.

but MAGE ANGELS oh good lord i never thought i'd end up adoring that series as much as i do now. it didn't talk to me for almost a decade, then suddenly at the second college it just... bloomed. absolutely. and now i love them all so much. but this is talking about the endings. THAT ending... is the definition of bittersweet. everything with monika oh lord. i love her already, you beautiful broken-down girl. but every time i look at that scene, it's burned into my mind already, that picture... every time i watch them talk, it's... the whole story is an ending. the WHOLE world is an ending just played in slow motion until it stops. it's the saddest thing, it is the damn SADDEST story i am writing now in that sense, because from the very beginning the ending was a guarantee, and yet... and yet. it's bittersweet. there's such light at the end, such light, in the final moments. it's... it's the definition of hope.

oneircia. dear heavens. this story is so weird. it doesn't talk much, but i saw the ending when i was about 19 and it was the first world i saw "end" and... although it was skippy and blurry i can't forget the details. oneircia is tragic too, not as bad as mage angels but... probably worse in terms of how much the ending just knifes at your heart. oddly. i don't know. i need to talk to this one again soon, like hokthai, but... this world is the definition of that "bittersweet" word, i think. the whole story feels like a sad smile. but it's still a smile. so the conclusion... it aches. it glows but it aches. it's so strange. but i love them.

event horizon. geez i don't even know. i have not seen a solid ending for this one. there's too much space in the middle. but i've seen some things leading up to the as-of-yet-unknown ending. and it's heartbreaking. this story is so odd for me, it's romantic which is rather alien to me, pun intended... but it's so honest. like i really hope this story lends itself to the stage because james is born for it. and he is so sincere, but his situation is so dire... that's the bright ache of this world, is his quest of love and hope, in an environment which is jarringly not-that. and yet it still sparks up in little ways around him. i don't know. this story is still an unknown. but it has that feeling to it already, the feeling that good books and plays and songs give you, where after it "ends" you can't help but just sit there for a while... it stays with you for so long.

puppetstrings. the children and the magic. this one is surprisingly 'empty' yet... i'm still learning its story. it's fragile. that makes its sadness sort of shocking. there is inherent softness but it's too... naive? like lg*girls. this story needs its depth yet. i don't know how it ends because i can't even see the middle yet. but i won't give up on it.

halcyon days. aaaaaagh. man. never forget that day on the highway. THIS one just yanks out my heart and steps on it. god knows i love everyone in this story so much too. all the kids and the aliens. this one talks to me a LOT. but it is SO sad. it's built on sweetness in the face of pain. but oh lord it hurts to watch sometimes. you have no idea. but i don't know how this one ends. too many unanswered questions yet. too much missing data, things i haven't been told yet. i can't know how it ends yet but i've seen some of... i've seen some 'smaller endings' in it already. and they break my heart. but the kids keep walking. there's a real pure dedication to this story that i love. it's so delicate but it never gives in.

voltage is a mystery but, tox. i just... my little bug boy. not even he's a grown man damn it but god knows it hurts to see him dealing with what he's going through. that story is so strange to me yet and i'm a bit scared because it doesn't glow like the others, not largely. there's so much pain and fear and doom in this series, it's hard to see, let alone write. but volt, he just carries around ALL this hope like a freaking neon sign in the middle of the night. so maybe i'll try to talk to him. but... i don't know why i felt so drawn to tox, i don't know too much about him, but... he's one of the small endings. i can't see much of this story but i'm afraid to see the ending of his part of it. it leaves me in tears considering it. but i can't just blind myself to their world i have to be brave and write it for them no matter what happens. no matter what

rosewindow. i have no freaking idea BUT it is full of promise. that's the unique thing about this one. it's grand. there's such expansiveness and wonder to this world... it's so BIG. just like dreamworld. i don't know a lot about the people in it yet but i love, i love love love the ones i know already... some of them personally. thank god for world-jumpers. my boss is from this place natively. so is death. i've never spoken to anu or lagiaris but they are so sweet, i want to know more about them. this story feels like a big fairytale, like something you'd see on the big screen, however the heck it ends it is going to hit HARD but it is going to be beautiful, i just know it. this is one of the worlds that will not end with tears, then a light. this one is going to end with tears and joy. this one is too sweet. but that hurts in its own special way, too.

magicwarp you guys aren't talking to me at all yet, sorry i can't say much about you. you're virtually a totally open canvas right now.
the shuffle worlds are the same way, but i have such a severe soft spot for the man of nogaisa already... i want to see that story unfold.


parnassus, though. parnassus. the beloved strange world.
my muse is from there. my best friend. my love of light. genesis apolymis. he's asleep right now but he's well and he's happy and i'm glad.
but i don't know how timelines work. and our world, headspace, it floats, it isn't affected by time like that... it's a liminal space of sorts. people can come here and not worry about bleedover into their native worlds. like a dream. it's free here, for them. we assure it so.
but. that's off topic.
the point is today i saw his world's "story" END and although the world and its timeline went on, after that...
god please i don't know i don't know
i'd been hoping this wasn't the "correct timeline" because i kept seeing it and god it hurt, i kept seeing the dialogue and events build up to something i did not want to happen and yet it was perfect. it was terrible and i wanted to shield my eyes and yet god i was so proud, so happy, to see the gold at the edges. where it came to be. what happened and was healed. the promise.
but it's so bittersweet. that's not even the right word. it's
i cannot put it into words
i can't tell you what happened, god help me i don't know if it's legit true or not but it FEELS like it...
see this is why it's bad to get personally invested in leagueworlds because their timelines stretch on back and forwards and i can see the whole things, they are both beginning and ending at once, always, and i can't stop it. some timelines i can touch, they roughly line up with ours at certain points, they are still "going" actively... but that's rare. most times leagueworlds are on a totally different clock than we are, they're all in totally separate bubbles, we can't touch them. they can come to us but lots of them aren't able to.
but
what in the world am i trying to say.

if that's the real ending to parnassus then god, that is perfect and beautifully sad and i will never forget it, it will be impressed upon my heart forever... but... the pain, the pain, the pain
i guess that's what makes a good book though? this quality? wrapping itself up around your bones in such away that when it ends, you ache for years? but it's a beloved ache, at first you think it would kill you, but over time it becomes something strangely beloved... you can read a book over and over but you will never emulate the first time, the traveling with them, the first page and the back cover. you will never forget the first time you read the ending. it stays with you.
same with the authors you know
we see this stuff, all at once sometimes, out of the blue, and we never forget that. ever.


i adore every single blessed individual in every single one of these blessed worlds i've been blessed with
that's like 500 people dude, that's a lot
but i love them.
this is my bliss in life, this is my beloved wound, this is what gives me joy and gets me up in the morning, is you, is all of you, no matter what, no matter how many endings i have to watch, i know nothing ever really ends, nothing ever ends

 
 

 

 

 

Another quick update because Genesis told me I needed to write this down, and I agree wholeheartedly.

First things first: I started summer classes today. Thank God it's only for a month, but it started off rather roughly... not only did I get so nauseous in the morning that I ended up in hives and almost vomited several times, but I had a major panic attack on the road, so bad that Laurie had to shove everyone out of the way and drive for the next several miles just so we could literally see straight. So that wasn't fun.
However I did get out of my math class early enough to go catch the 1PM showing of Monsters University (as Gen really wanted to see it for his birthday), and it was brilliant. It had a very applicable and meaningful message, too-- one I really needed to hear right now, actually.

It's the conversation Genesis and I had on the drive home that I'm updating here for.
I don't recall how it started... but at one point I apologized for not remembering anything, and for feeling like most of my entire life belonged to someone else as a result. More than anything else, I apologized for feeling like the person he met in 2005 was a total stranger to me. Heck, I don't even remember most of last year. And it hurt, to feel like I was just getting to know him, while he had 8 years of knowing me under his belt. Genesis sadly said he understood the frustration and despair over lost time (his past hasn't been all sunshine either), but then he surprised me by adding that even if I wasn't the person he met 8 years ago, that didn't matter. He said that there's been a "core" to every "me" he's met, something beyond the fleeting personalities and faces and names, and that core is what he sees as "me." I nodded, saying that he was right... to which he responded that that is what he's loved for so long. That inner truth to who I am.
That's when I remembered something I hadn't given real thought to in a long time... for years, and for reasons I can't remember, Genesis has always been this huge source of hope to me. His name and face are virtually synonymous with it, for me. He's this living testament to undying hope... and he's been one of the only "constants" in my life as well, ever since he first showed up in my living room one summer evening. I said I was so sorry that I took him for granted most days, but even that was proof of how much he meant to me in that sense: even if he disappeared for days or weeks, even if I doubted everything about our existences, even if I felt like dying and abandoning everything, all he had to do was show up and say hello, and I'd answer. I'd start talking to him, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if he was right there for everyone else to see, as if he had never been gone at all.
Genesis then started tearing up, and asked me if I understood his side of the situation there? For him, when I got so lost like that, and he didn't know who I was or whether I'd be alive the next morning, or I swore he didn't actually exist... like I said, all he had to do was show up and say hello, and I'd acknowledge him without a second thought, without a single doubt. To him, I was the biggest source of hope in his life. I took him in without question in 2005, taught him everything, never once questioning the reality of his life. I never saw a reason to. And he'd follow me everywhere, realizing that I was the ONLY person in the world who could see or hear or feel him, and I swore him so many times that I'd never forget him, ever, that he and I would be together until death and hopefully even beyond that. To him, he said, I wasn't just hope, I was faith. I was someone he believed in, no matter what, because whether or not I even realized it, I did the same for him, unconditionally. I gave him reason to always look forwards, because to him there would always be something there... me.
I was in tears at this point, as was he, and all I remember is sunlight streaming in through the open windows as he said he loved me. I tried to say the same but got choked up and couldn't get the words to sound right... so I started saying that truth in different ways. I reminded him that he was the only reason I got through high school, and asked if he knew just how significant that was. For four years, he was the ONLY reason I pushed through every day-- he was the only person I had to smile and laugh with, the biggest inspiration I had. I even jokingly began calling him my "personal gadfly" in light of philosophy class-- despite his undying joy and enthusiasm, he was brutally honest as always, and helped me grow so much as an individual as a result. Then the mess of 2008 hit and he was still there, even if I ignored him for so long in the mess I became lost in. I started college and wandered that campus day after day with people shouting in my head, but he would stand by me the entire time, even if all he did was offer his presence. Those late nights in coffeeshops, those quiet evenings sleeping in the rotunda, the hours wandering the music and art buildings... they would never have even existed if not for him. I would have been crushed by the weight of my distress, if he hadn't always been there, that never-fading light of hope, that strange and beloved light in my life. And now, 8 years later, we were driving home together once again, best friends and lovers and partners for as long as we'd live.
Through blurry vision I told him that he meant the world to me, that I adored him, that I loved him more than he'd ever know.

And I never want to forget the smile he gave me in return.

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE
GENESIS APOLYMIS LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SPINE HYPOMONE
LEON KIASI NATHANIEL VICTOIRE JULIE ENANTIOS


(PART ONE)


So, Laurie.

Hm?

We are now up to the 12th, which is when I was remembering old outspacer loves and somehow survived THREE hack attempts.

Which is absolutely bloody monumental, really. You didn't think you could do either of those things anymore, and then bam, this afternoon just happens
 
It really did!

Did we discuss this in here?

Uh, I'm not sure. Let me check... vaguely?

Eh, run it by them again.

Okay. Oh hey, that's actually important. So I was doing Hokthai research at the time, and so we decided to watch Tezuka's Metropolis that evening, and Xenophon actually stuck around to watch it with us, which was amazing. But... seeing her, with her names and her other father, watching that old favorite movie of mine... it made me miss so many other people I've known from media, like Bogardus and Grievous and Davy Jones, not to mention Ryman and Markus of course.

You need to bring Davy back in here.

I think I'd die.

Haha!

Seriously! He's an awesome guy but I just visit him now. I think bringing him into headspace would be way too stressful, in several ways.

Hey, about that. Isn't all that outspacer focus what made you start freaking out about the 23rd? With energy burnout and all that?

Yeah. Having more people around is great, but it can be overwhelming. I had finals at the time too, and I was still just getting out of the major painful learning period that was November, so I was fighting off tar hacks as well. Basically it was a huge energy strain on me and it began to tire me out, severely. I started realizing that on the 14th. Well, kind of.

Kind of?

I was just starting to seriously think about it online on the 14th. That's when I started to see Chaos incredibly clearly, and I began feeling this unexplained significance concerning our anniversary. Neither of those points faded in the slightest over the next nine days so that really put stress on me too. I knew the 23rd was going to be incredibly important but I didn't know why, and I was worrying too much over it and basically started freaking out.

No kidding.

Yeah, you know all about that. So I was really in love on the 14th, which was actually the day after we finished watching Metropolis, so Xenophon was a bit of an emotional mess...

That movie was so sad at the end though, with Tima! I told you about that, dad.

You did. That's actually what the next entry was about. That one was huge.

Was this the one before you went to that concert? Because I remember how torn up you were then.

It was.

The concert was so pretty though. I loved it.

It was. I needed that just as much as you did, at the time.

Jewel, talk about this entry, that one was vital.

All right. This one was on the 16th, after finals ended, and so now my mind was free to focus on headspace matters and there was a lot to focus on. I realized a few things. One, I was still downplaying, criticizing, masking, or ignoring my emotions.

Are you still doing that?

No, but the impetus is still there. It's an old problem but I'm trying to just ignore it though, because I know for a fact that it's not something I should pay attention to.

Good! That's my job then, making sure you stay away from that stuff. Check your facts!

Exactly! So that is being worked on and it's not bothering me at the moment. That... it only hit me after that one night Chaos picked up on it, though. When I refused to express anything.

That was the night he was sobbing, wasn't it. That hurt like hell.

I couldn't help it, Laurie. I feel everything he does like that.

I didn't say you could help it. I just said I couldn't help hurting either.

...

It forced me to stop doing that too. I was deeply shaken by that so it forced me to take a stand and start being honest with myself again. The second problem was my pain addiction, which we actually solved and fixed thanks to the 23rd...

We're getting to that, what's point three?

Me liking the 'ideas' of things more than the actual things? That usually focuses around possessions, but then it's an ego thing so I can actually conquer that easily and I have been doing that lately. But it was a big problem in the past when I didn't recognize what it was and kept making bad decisions because of it.

Why'd you bring it up then?

Two very different reminders. One, I bought a fandom-based book and calendar, and immediately had to wonder if I had done so only as an act of gratitude and thanks, and if I had even wanted the things at all.

Did you?

Yeah, actually. I do need a new calendar, and I got the book because that fandom has inspired me significantly and I cannot downplay its significance with any sincerity. So that was valid, but the worry was there.

What was the other reminder?

Melody talking about relationships, actually. She kept saying I was 'too far away,' and it made me realize that I often like being far away, because with the butterfly problem I mentioned earlier, that can make me actually care for them more genuinely than when they're close?

How so?

Because then they aren't labeled. They are their own people and I am not involved when I'm far away. It's like... it's like that girl I love, Jena. I've never met her, I've spoken to her once, and she is one of my biggest inspirations. And yet I don't mind being so far away. I love the fact that she has her own life, and all I want, ever , is for her to be happy. Same with Alexandria, who I've loved since elementary school for heaven's sake. So when people want to get closer to me, I worry, because then it feels like it becomes 'possessive.' When people get close they stop being free, when they get involved with me directly. And that scares me somehow?

Well, you're doing fine with Chaos. And me. And Genesis.

I get the point, yeah. So I'm not sure what the disconnect is there? But it is a problem I'd like to solve. I do need to be more grounded there in any case. I just don't want to be treating people far too carelessly because I'm afraid of becoming attached. I'm not attached to you guys, so why am I worried about that happening in the future?

Who knows? Maybe you're just worrying too much. But we'll discuss that later too.

What else are we discussing later?

A few things. We'll review those if we have time, but really Jewel, it's getting late and I'm more concerned about wrapping up tonight. Everything else can wait, that's secondary.

All right. Where are we now?

You tell me, kid.

Oh. Sorry. We are... at point 4, from the 16th, which is simply me stating that Chaos and I hadn't connected in months, and with us having to do that on the 23rd, I realized that the lack of it was actually causing all the other problems I was dealing with at the time. That actually gave a better insight to part of point 3, Laurie.

Was that the naivete thing?

Yeah, it was!

Tell me about it.

I was looking for innocence and hope and things where they couldn't be found.

We discussed this. I know for a fact that we did.

Here?

Yeah. Go look, I swear we talked about this before. Infinite hope, remember?

Oh, hey, we did.

And the emotion masking was you feeling guilty for wanting to be with him, God knows why, and the pain addiction was you unconsciously trying to find something as overwhelming as a connection and failing.

Yeah.

There we go, those are solved. Was there a point 5? You mentioned Xenophon.

Yeah, that tied into Metropolis. She said I was doubting who I was too much.

You do do that, dad. You shouldn't.

I know.

Once again, do you believe it?

Yes, I do.

Then why do you do it?

I actually don't know.

Sounds like my job description! I'm going to help you with this, you know.

Good, I like having you around.

You do?

Yeah, I really do! Same with Leon, dude, you need to stick around, you're awesome.

T-thank you.

So yes, that was point 5, and once again that was another motivation because I didn't want to unconsciously hurt Xenophon or anyone else through doubting myself. And... ironically, there was a wildcard.

Hey Joe, what do you know.

Exactly.

I do believe we figured this topic out too.

We did. But that caused me so much pain at that time, you wouldn't believe it.

I believe it. I saw it, firsthand.

I guess you did. Sorry.

No problem. I also saw you two fix that problem, not firsthand there though, that would have been taking this 'fangirling' business a bit too far.

What?

Injoke. Don't ask.

I won't, I'm slowly learning you guys are too weird to comprehend sometimes.

Hahaha.

By the way, Laurie, I'm still listening to that Daley song.

So I heard! How many plays now?

No idea, I have the pitch lowered on Wavepad so it's not scrobbling.

Shame, that would have been funny to count.

Let's just say approximately 62 times, right?

Well of course!

Which song is this, by the way?

Spent.

I like it.

Good, I'm going to be listening to it for the rest of the night.

Speaking of nights. That "wildcard" problem, you two fixed that, right?

You do remember what I said to him last night? It's fixed.

Even after that near-hack this week?

Even after that. Totally fixed, Laurie.

All right, make sure, because that's some dangerous stuff right there.

I know.

That commission I bought from Dare is helping so much it hurts.

We're not at that topic yet, kid. What's the next entry?

The 21st.

Geez, what did you talk about then?

Basically, I was freaking out.

Yeah, no kidding.

I got really emotional. I kept remembering 2005, and 2008, and 2011 of course. And then everything I wrote in there, we all discussed in our past three entries or so.

That we did. So we're at the 23rd now?

Essentially.

Finally.

Why, is it fangirling time?

You know it, Lynne.

Laurie, come on. What do you want us to talk about?

Whatever the heck happened after you two left the room last Friday.

You heard about that, Laurie, I told you.

You told me vague details.

I told you everything I could, love. What else do you want to know?

I dunno. I'm just curious is all.

About what?

About the whole freakin' thing. If Jewel was right in saying that 21 entire years led up to two hours, I want to know what in the world they did.

You want to know what we did that made you feel what you did.

...Basically.

What's this now?

Stuff. Just stuff.

Laurie.

Jewel effervesces a lot when he's fully centered. Those two were right on the money after that. No instability whatsoever. They were broadcasting love like a satellite. I want to know what the heck drove the meter up that astronomically high.

We connected four times?

Four times?

Didn't you hear about that?

No! How did you do that?

Very carefully.

No kidding, love. That was insane.

Seriously, how the heck did you two do that?

Jewel didn't know if we could pull off two, but we figured why not, and that was so incredibly weird that we just had to keep going.

Weird?

He felt like the freaking cosmos , is what I mean by weird.

What do you think you felt like, Chaos? Seriously, I've drowned in you before but wow.

We got new soul forms, by the way.

So I heard.

Did you?

Yeah, they're amazing. I haven't hit mine in over a year, actually, so that was incredible.

I could see your eyes. That was incredible.

It was.

See them?

Yeah. Somehow, I could clearly see the color of his eyes, even across realities. It was almost incomprehensible. I saw them again last night too.

What were you two doing last night?

Heheh. Living up to commissions is what.

Dude, wait, that is seriously personal material and we're still on the 23rd.

How is that worse than the 23rd?

You'd be surprised. Spine, you're not talking.

That's okay, isn't it?

I guess. I just like hearing you talk too.

I have nothing to say though. I am here to catch up.

See, that's the problem with waiting three bloody months before recapping. No one knows what the heck is going on and I end up being the only one talking.

I'm doing a lot of talking, Laurie.

I mean besides you.

Well you are the closest person to him besides me.

That used to be me, you know.

Used to be Ryman before I got this far. You're still right up here on our level, Genesis, don't worry.

Speaking of, the 24th still hasn't happened!

What do you mean it hasn't happened?

Nope, sorry Gen, we're not there yet either.

Oh come on!

Hey, other stuff happened on the 23rd, remember? And Chaos, you shut your mouth, that is confidential.

Yeah, that would ruin your reputation, haha.

Shut the front door, seriously.

Laurie, you keep way too many secrets.

So I do. Jewel.

What?

Explain to me how in heaven you got so high up there.

Besides connecting four times within two hours?

Kid, you were walking through walls and you know what I mean. How the heck were you doing that? What in heaven happened exactly, that got you to that point?

I just... felt absolutely right , I guess. Remember how we said we thought the 23rd was going to 'set everything right' for the new year? Well, I think it did. Even if I'm having a tough time today. That set the stage, perfectly.

Did it really fix the past, do you think?

Definitely. The shadows we're fighting got a lot darker, but actually that's a good sign that we're on the right track, seeing how that's happened before in similar situations.

I'm so bloody sick of these shadows though.

So am I, but they're there for me to fight. I know, without a doubt, that this is testing my strength to make sure I can hold on to all that I've learned under dark situations. I haven't passed that test yet. I need to. This new year... it's going to be one heck of an adventure, I'll tell you that right now.

Obviously.

So about the 24th?

What about it?

What if that was the second half of it? Maybe we were supposed to do that and didn't. Maybe that would have helped you today.

Dude, you just want that to happen.

Well of course I do. Do you?

...

What was supposed to happen on the 24th?

Honesty is what. Total bleeding honesty.

Maybe we'll do that tomorrow. I'll do everything I can.

You'd better, after last night.

Can we get to that already? You're making me impatient.

Why, what the heck do you want to know?

I'm just curious about all this! You keep talking around it and it's getting me curious. It's all kind of enthralling.

Enthralling.

Yeah. You guys have so much going on and I can kinda see why you're obsessed with those two, Laurie. They're an interesting couple. 

You're preaching to the choir, Jo.

But the 23rd was awesome. Awesome beyond words, that is.

Fantastic Plastic Machine!

Ironically, didn't we talk quite a bit during that?

Not much, compared to how much we didn't. I think you're confusing feelings with words.

Maybe. And when we talked it was mostly about what we were feeling, too.

Exactly.

Is that what you were broadcasting?

What do you mean, 'broadcasting?'

Dude, you two were legit high on love for like two days after that. The two hours immediately afterwards were absolutely insane in that respect. I just want to know what you did to get that high up there, like I said.

Why?

I just want to know. It's seriously mind-boggling how you people do that.

Well, we fell in love eight years ago, and on the 23rd we fell into that entirely.

That's a wonderfully simple way of putting it.

It's true though.

So yes, that was the 23rd. That enough info for everyone, or can we move on?

I got wings, dad, remember?

Oh yeah, you did!

She got wings? Where?

On my back, look!

Whoa.

See? My dads gave them to me after that thing they did together. What's it called?

A connection.

Connecting, yeah. Then they came over to me and I got wings from it! They're still really small and fadey but they'll get cooler in time. Just like my arms and legs! I didn't have those at all for a while. Or wings.

How in the world did you give her wings?

Our energy just resonated with hers, I guess. I mean we are her ectobiological parents.

Plus, like I said, you two were absolutely connection-high.

You're jealous.

I'm just pointing out the obvious!

Chill out, Laurie, he's just teasing you.

Geez.

But yeah, Lynne, I think that's all it was. I was wondering if she was going to get anything from our connection, because she is linked to us both, and then I remembered how she still has that fluffy sort of light ball on her back. So I just touched it, and it kind of bloomed into wings right there.

Wow.

Lynne, you seem surprised!

I am! That is really cool. Congratulations, you three.

Three?

Well yeah. Jewel, Chaos, and Xenophon.

They weren't the only people involved in that event, you do know that.

I was too!

Then why haven't you said anything?

I have, I've been asking about the 24th not happening this whole time.

But you were involved on the 23rd?

Well not that way, but I did kiss both of them afterwards, which was awesome.

Both of them?

Yeah, both of them, why not?

We're basically "friendmates" by now, you know. That's red enough.

Oh come on, Chaos.

It's true!

Yeah, you two have this amazing bromance going on no matter how you look at it.

I won't argue with that.

Hey, what about...?

Confidential, you heard the lady.

Did you just call me a lady?

Why, is that a problem?

It's weird is what it is.

Fine, Genesis, you heard the gender-neutral psycho over there.

Superego.

Correction, superego.

I keep Jewel from going psycho.

Well, we are "friendmates".....

Don't even go there, kiddo.

But it's true!

I told you these guys are enthralling.

Haha!

All right, seriously, can we move on? Genesis, hold on about the 24th, we'll discuss all of that after this. Jewel, did you have anything written for Christmas or what?

Yeah, Christmas was awesome. By the way the 23rd was also when I commissioned Dare to draw that picture of us, CZ.

Seriously? That night?

Yeah, that night. I couldn't not do that.

You're awesome. I love you.

I love you too, seriously!

So. Christmas.

Sure, go on and interrupt us, Laur.

Hey, you remember what happened last time, when I let you two just keep talking.

She has a point!

She does.

Jewel?

Right, the 25th. Wait, did I mention the key?

The key?

Oh! Was that the Razia's Shadow thing?

Yeah! That was our fourth connection, which was insane.

Wait, what's this now?

My fourth connection with Chaos, which was the last one we could really handle, felt like a key? It was weird.

Explain this please.

It felt like it unlocked something in us both, that had never been opened before. But it was so odd because I physically felt it, in this reality, like my heart clicked into place or something. It was... it was just incredible, at the expense of reusing that word.

Hey, whatever works. But how does this tie into Razia's Shadow again?

"Their true love will be strong enough, to erase the wrong we've done. The dark and light will become one."

If you switch the punctuation it works the same way, actually.

...Yeah, that does make a lot of sense. But how does that involve keys?

Oh yeah. The verse before that said "So take heed of this prophecy. Lifetimes from now there will be two chosen, bound to meet. In her lock he'll turn the key," and of course you have to change the pronouns there but honestly the point still stands.

Go figure. That is some awesome relevance right there.

Dad I still haven't heard this musical and I need to!

She hasn't heard Razia's Shadow yet? Blasphemy!

We're working on it, man! The only reason we all heard it all the way through was because I first listened to it when I thought I was dying, remember.

That was the meds fallout of 2010, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was hell.

I remember that way too bloody clearly. But yeah, that musical carried you through surprisingly well.

We all had parts in it, it was great. Spine, you even got to be Dumaya!

I was Dumaya. It was fun.

Strangely, she has kept that voice.

Dude, yeah, even in Soul Calibur! Spine you need to talk like that more often, you do know that?

I would but it is difficult.

Well work on it, it's honestly hilarious.

Ryman and Markus had awesome roles too. Toba and Barayas.

I got to be Ahrima!

And Adakias, bro.

Haha, yeah.

We are slowly drifting off topic, guys.

That we are. Thanks for pointing that out.

No problem. We're still at the 25th, right?

Didn't even start it yet.

Right. Well, unfortunately, that morning I had a dream hack.

On Christmas? Geez.

Yeah, but I refused to let it get to me. It upset me a little that morning, but I did learn a good lesson from it, symbolically, and the rest of the day was absolutely phenomenal.

Symbolically?

It was a very indirect hack. I did some dream symbol research and it actually had some good advice to give. So that worked out for the best. Laurie, can I just skim over Christmas because I'm getting tired.

You serious?

A little.

Need to take a break?

I hope not. I'll let you know if it gets worse though.

Make sure. I don't want you burning out.

Neither do I.

I don't think any of us do.

Exactly. So, what, if anything, did you want to say about Christmas?

Just a few things. One, Dare drew Xennie for me as a bonus for my commission, which I promptly gave to her as a Christmas present.

Was that the picture you put on my wall dad?

It was.

I love that! Tell her thank you for me please.

Haha, I'm definitely going to have to! But yeah, Laurie was right in saying I was connection-high for a few days. I was just blissed out all day on the 25th. Oh, and my mom bought me one of those soul paintings from the expo, did you guys hear about that?

No, what was that?

Man, that's pretty convoluted, but basically there was a woman at the expo who said I had a great purpose to fulfill and she was honored to meet me? But she did these soul paintings as she had psychic abilities and was able to symbolically put what she saw in people into her work... anyway, my mother secretly bought one for me and she gave it to me for Christmas.

That's awesome.

Even more awesome is the fact that it's the same color as Chaos, am I right?

You are absolutely right.

It's blue?

It's a dark aqua-blue. It's the color of him in the "I'm Loved" picture Kiwi drew for me in 2009.

You're loved too, you know.

I'd never even question that, CZ. I know.

Maybe that's part of what she was getting at?

Maybe. I'm going to call her about it this week, so I'll find out. But that was the highlight of Christmas. Oh! And I saw my boss, but he was upset about the dream hack in light of the 23rd. Laurie, did you manage to talk him down?

Talk him down? How bad was he?

Pretty bad.

He was looking to punch things.

He was tired. I have never seen him look tired before.

He was looking for whatever the hell hurt you. He couldn't find it. I told him it was probably our resident tar demon, but that didn't calm his nerves too much. I promised him I'd keep an eye out though.

Geez. I really need to talk to him in person again soon.

You do.

But... that makes me feel really bad now. I was hacked again yesterday, I think.

That was on the 29th, kid.

Was it really?

Yeah, it was really, you had a bloody breakdown in the kitchen and actually started crying because your grandmother refused to respect your triggers again and kept setting them off. You know, that's probably why you're a total mess today. Your mother took you out for errands that afternoon and distracted you from coping, and you didn't get any psychological closure or anything. So you lapsed back immediately and now you just have to get over this turmoil and not let it rule you. Okay?

That makes sense. I think that will help me deal with this, actually. Thank you.

You're welcome. That's why I'm here.

Did I mention I got District 9 for Christmas? Finally? We need to watch that together now.

We do. Our headspace movie nights are pretty awesome, actually.

AI was so sad though.

Sad but amazing. That helped me so much with my series it was incredible. And... in a weird way it was personally inspiring for me, too.

No kidding. You started sobbing when Joe died.

It hurt too much at that point. I was an absolute mess from then right up until the credits rolled.

I'd watch it again, though. I liked it a whole lot.

We all did. Your dads keep quoting it, too.

Hey, that's my favorite injoke right now, of course I'm going to quote it.

My favorite injoke is currently the crispy snack crackers.

Hee hee!

Yeah, that one is Xenophon's. And mine is still the postcard bit. Which you still owe me.

I swear, Laurie, with my drawing class this semester? First free time I get there, I am drawing that for you.

Good. January 16th is your deadline.

Oh dude, that would be perfect. I am doing this now, for sure.

Haha!

Seriously, are we up to date now? With the recap?

Almost. There was an update on the 27th about "not taking myself seriously enough."

Explain?

That was... oh. Chaos, that was when I... when you couldn't reach me.

Oh.

I remember this now.

He couldn't reach you?

It was September all over again. I tried to talk to him, but he wasn't there. I looked in his eyes and he wasn't there. It hurt. It was terrifying.

Sounds like your fourth incident in reverse.

...

Sorry.

No, it's true, I guess.

I don't know how in the world I fell so far. It was terrifying.

I know how. You really weren't taking yourself seriously enough. You were trying to live up to someone else's life, weren't you? Someone whose life had absolutely nothing to do with yours, and who you shouldn't have been associating with at the time anyway.

...Yeah. I forgot that she was dangerous. I cared about her too much.

I know. Thank God Julie isn't dangerous anymore.

...There's someone like I used to be?

No, heck no. There's just someone who is rather similar to the old you, except not maliciously, and Jewel should not be anywhere near them right now and yet he was, because he forgot how they had hurt him in the past.

Unintentionally!

Still hurt, still wounded. You need to keep your boundaries up, kid. You need to respect yourself.

Do you think it's apathy? Or self-hatred?

What?

The reason why this keeps happening. There's something underneath the surface, besides my hope and forgiveness. There's something dark, I think.

Personally? I think it's the perfectionist problem again. Why were you trying to live up to what she was?

I just... I forgot that her life doesn't apply to me.

Why?

I don't know.

Then maybe some part of you still doesn't believe that you have your own exceptional path to follow. Be careful.

But Laurie, Chaos couldn't reach me. He was in pain and he was trying to talk to me and I couldn't hear him. I... I was there in form but not in spirit. What in the world happened?

...I don't know. The heck do you mean, he was in pain?

I was. Whatever was going on, it was going too far. I honestly think I got lucky in getting through to him.

You reminded some part of my heart of 2003.

...

What did he do?

He told me to stop, flat-out, as close as he could. An indirect "what are you doing?" And it snapped me to my senses, and I was scared out of my mind, and then you remember what a mess all of us were afterwards.

No kidding, I was furious. Chaos was freaking out just as badly.

And then we got Menchou back in here.

Is she the dog girl?

She's the dog girl. I haven't seen Veradenne but I think Menchou is just flying solo right now so as to not overload me. I'll have to ask about her.

But she is around. Menchou, I mean.

Yeah, is she becoming permanent up here or what?

That's your call, kid. Talk to her about it, not me.

All right.

Why is Menchou up here now?

She's able to ghost, very limitedly, but she can access locked-out spaces that no one else up here has been able to access, ever, thanks to traumatic hacks in my past. So if stuff gets bad and Laurie can't mentally reach me, Menchou can actually ghost in and help me out almost directly. Which has already helped me once already, at least in keeping stable. I've been meticulous with triggers lately, as my Tumblr feed got lethal again so I had to unfollow without mercy, so to speak. It helped.

That's good.

Why do you follow these people if they trigger you?

Because they didn't post triggering things when I followed them, and they don't see those things as problematic. So I just have to quietly click the 'unfollow' button and be on my way. My mental stability is more important than what's on my dashboard, in every case.

True.

So that was the 27th. I just need to be vigilant about that, I think.

You do.

And then... on the 29th there was another dream hack, and this time it threw me so far off center I immediately started writing about it. That entry is full of pain.

What was it about?

That's when I realized that I was having these dark things thrown at me to see if I could stand strong in spite of them. I had been doing spiritual research over the past few days, remember Laurie?

Yeah.

And I read an article that triggered me horrifically, unintentionally of course, and I was just so sick and tired of it by that point that I just started ranting about it. Actually, that helped a lot, because it burned away my self-doubt and made me realize that yeah, I really was on the right track, even though it was a very different track than the ones people kept trying to lead me towards, and that article actually proved it to me despite the triggering.

Did it really?

It really did. Thanks to the 23rd, again. That was just so undeniably true that I actually refused to let doubt creep at me concerning what I was being led to believe anymore. I know I'm being vague, but like I said, I'm tired of this topic.

I don't blame you.

But yeah, I was incredibly unstable on the 29th. As usual, though, it forced me to realize a deeper problem. That's when I understood that I've been 'taking shortcuts' in solving this problem in the past, because yes I'm tired of it, but it also scares me to death. So when I'm trying to fix it, I still want to get away from it as fast as possible, and I rush through the job. With the dream hacks returning, I need to review what I've done so far, and figure out what our next step is without putting myself in danger or compromising whatsoever. Even if that's just being vigilant.

That might be all you can do right now, yeah. With what you figured out about it that morning, you should have an easier time with that now. I'm just concerned about how sensitive you are to it right now. Nat was right, you've been an absolute mess today. And speaking of Natalie, you haven't said a word since I yelled at you, are you really okay?

Yeah. Just trying to center myself too.

Smart move. Jewel, you still tired?

Yeah, it's late.

Let's wrap this topic up then. What happened yesterday?

Well, my mom distracting me from my pain was good because it calmed me down enough to actually work on Dream World yesterday. I think Xenophon spent most of yesterday with me too, because she was worried about me.

I did! It was fun. And I was worried about you. I still am.

Geez, she's still up too. You okay?

Yeah, just tired! But I wanna see the new year thing. Then I'll go to bed.

Same here, love. The things we do for special occasions, seriously.

Yeah, no kidding. So, yesterday.

Yesterday was great. I finally figured out what I need to do to make my typing work easier, I spent nearly the whole day listening to new music which was lovely, and I found out that Xenophon loves clementines.

I do!! They're so good they're delicious! And you promised you were making me that kale soup, you need to do that.

I will, as soon as possible. I find it hilarious how you and Genesis are both addicted to the first food you ever ate, though.

Butterscotch ice cream over here.

What's that?

You don't know what that is ?? Jewel, this needs to be fixed!!

Haha, I'll fix it in the summertime!

Is it good?

It's good but I can't eat it. But that's okay, Genesis introduced you to eggnog the other day, and that was amazing.

Is this where the new drinking contest joke came from?

Yeah, I was helping my mum with shopping, and Genesis just grabbed a carton off the shelf and started chugging it down, it was absolutely hilarious.

It's good stuff, Jewel!

You drank a whole carton of eggnog! Right in the middle of the dairy section! And no one had a clue. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

That sounds brilliant, you're right.

And how does this tie into a drinking contest?

Because Chaos is the king of champagne, and the thought of those two getting utterly smashed is pretty hilarious.

Can you two even get legitimately drunk?

Let's find out.

Not now, dude, seriously.

I'm kidding, love.

Hey, back to last night, kid.

Yeah, you've been leading up to this the whole time, I want to hear about this.

...I... don't know if I can talk about it.

What happened?

Are you okay?

Yeah I'm okay, I'm just...

Fragile.

...Exactly. You know how I bought that one commission on the 23rd? Of Chaos and I?

Yeah.

Apparently, innocently close things can drive me off the deep end a lot faster than even a connection buildup can.

You're serious.

Totally serious, you should've seen him.

Chaos, really.

Just trying to lighten the mood is all.

Yeah, Jewel, that hit you hard .

It was close. Close things get me point blank and I can't take them sometimes.

Dad, was this after the concert too?

What?

I remember you saying, before you connected, that you thought you were going to break if you got too close? Did that happen?

Almost.

That was an 'almost?'

I don't know. Yeah, it was. A full break would have ended with me sobbing like an idiot, probably.

And this is a positive thing?

Overwhelmingly so.

What happened?

...

Jewel is apparently really sensitive at certain points.

Was that a pun, Laurie?

Very much so.

If you get me there I think I'll die. I'm serious.

Why me? Kid, Chaos has experience and better rights than I do on that level.

Yeah, but remember what we said when you found your metainomen.

...What about it?

How in the world did you get this far, this fast? And you're at a different level overall. With this sort of thing, I think that actually makes Jewel more fragile around you.

I don't know. I don't think I'd let her get so close right now. Chaos, you are emotionally killing me with that and even thinking about it is driving me to tears, I'm sorry.

...Is this something you guys can talk about?

I don't know.

I... I just break, when people get too close.

But you had a connection. A connection . And this apparently didn't happen.

This was different, ironically. I can handle powerful, total things like that better than I can handle the quiet, small things. A lot better.

You can take a brick to the face but one touch will completely unravel you.

I can take a freight train to the heart but...

Yeah.

...

What's this about?

Why're you asking? We're trying to explain.

No, I... I'm worried? He's in a lot of pain, and I just... don't understand why.

Leon, hear me out, man. It's pressure points. Weak spots. You can hit a dartboard as much as you want, completely cover it with arrows, but it doesn't really hit hard until you get a bullseye. I'm a dartboard right now, and Chaos has really freaking good aim.

What's he hitting?

My heart, really. And this is getting me bad. Am I really unraveling, Laurie?

Yep.

 I-- I need to pull myself together.

Dad?

Your dad is a bit of an emotional mess at the moment, kid. Don't worry, this isn't negative. He's just fragile.

This isn't a bad thing. Why do I fall apart so easily?

Because you're so sensitive. You don't have any walls up at all.

And that's not bad?

Not here. Here, that's amazing. You're the strongest person I know because of that.

Then why am I falling apart?

Life and death, maybe.

...

You told me you look like a taijitu inside, didn't you.

I do. We do.

Don't you love symbolism?

Yeah, but we already discussed that.

No, I mean more abstract symbolism. Broader meanings. Aren't you obsessed with the little things? Tiny little details, that you'd never notice unless everything else was quiet and you just looked, in total honesty. Blood and sunlight.

...Don't bring that up now.

I'm bringing it up now, kid. You remember what the end of January 16th was like? Just like this. You fell apart.

...

And that was not a bad thing.

I'm not saying it is. Then... why am I worried?

No walls, kid. No boundaries, no spikes at all. You're completely open here. And you're freaking out a little because even you don't realize how vulnerable you are like this. But you still let people in. And then you feel too much.

And it scares me.

Why?

I feel so much .

From Chaos?

Obviously. And that's why this simple little commission is driving him up the wall.

Why? What did she draw?

Closeness. Honest closeness is all, and Jewel almost forgot what that felt like.

The last time I felt something like that was July 7th. And maybe... maybe October 12th. With you.

...

...Laurie?

Sup?

What's going on with you two?

Stuff. Just stuff is all.

You're being infuriatingly vague, Laur.

Infuriatingly? That's a strong word.

We've all been asking you about this for months, and you refuse to open up to us. I respect the fact that you have secrets, but now you're kind of lying to our faces here.

Lying by omission doesn't count. Doc Scratch said so.

I think you're just as nervous as he is.

And what if I was?

...How involved are you in this?

In what?

With those two.

Genesis still has several steps ahead of me.

How many?

I wouldn't know, kid.

Jewel?

Yeah?

How close is Laurie to Genesis' position? Concerning you?

Like placement? In terms of what?

In terms of how close you let them get to you.

Well that's very arbitrary. Laurie is ahead of Genesis on some levels, and behind him on others.

Hm.

Lynne, why are you asking about this?

I'm just curious is all. Just curious.

Why?

You don't talk to us about this. And frankly I'd like to know about it.

Why the heck is that any of your business?

Why the heck wouldn't it be? I worry about you too. We're practically sisters, as weird as that might sound to you. And you don't say a word to me about 90 percent of your personal life. All I know of you comes from your axe-swinging days, and these conversations. You're an enigma to all of us outside of hearsay. And considering that you're one of the most important people in Jewel's life, and the absolute top-ranking guardian up here, that's a little disconcerting.

Because I'm secretive? Geez, don't ever get involved in politics, then.

I'm serious, Laurie. You yell at everyone else to open up, to 'chill out,' to stop fighting and causing trouble. But you don't say a word when we ask you about things like this.

Totally different context, Lynne.

Not really. We're open with you. If we're upset, or concerned, we tell you. We express that. You lock everything up, and no one knows how to deal with you, or even approach you sometimes. No one except Jewel. And that's why I'm asking.

Lynne, I've been protecting the guy for years. Since he was sixteen. That's my life.

Is he your life?

Basically. If you want to put it that way.

Was that a pun?

Take a guess.

...

Laurie, really.

The heck do you want now, Jo.

I've seen more of you personality-wise than Lynne has. You remember last year.

Yeah, and what about it?

You are secretive.

So what? Why is everyone jumping on me about this topic? Why can't any of you ask me about something else? If I'm so bloody secretive I'm sure I have a heck of a lot of secrets tucked away somewhere in the enigmatic shadowy corners of my mind, why don't you ask about those?

Because they all tie back to him.

...

They do, and that's why we're jumping on this topic. No matter how many secrets you may have, you can't deny that sooner or later they all involve Jewel. And the ones you hide the most doggedly, are directly concerned with him. What's going on?

Were you here for the 14th? Of September?

I was.

I know you were, yeah. Did you even hear about that, Lynne?

About Xenophon? Vaguely, I learned the details naturally after that went down.

Then maybe you heard that those two are the only bloody reason I'm here .

That's... that's how it is for all of us, though, we work to protect him--

No, I mean literally. You remember that date we keep referring to? December 23rd? Apparently when that first happened in 2005, it set the stage for this violet-haired maniac to steal the show. I stepped into this world that September, behind the guise of a watery mirror and in the middle of a dream. I didn't even know him, he had no idea who the heck I was. But even then, I knew he was important to me somehow. I told him to wake up. And the past six years have been him doing just that.

...What are you?

Honestly? I don't know. Julie's in the same boat. We were both formed by that red-haired lunatic over there, the one with chaos in his heart, literally and figuratively. Whether he realized it or not, he's the reason Julie and I are even breathing right now. The other five of you are typical headvoices, if there even is such a thing. You were all brought into being more indirectly. Julie and I were pretty bloody specific. We call ourselves headvoices, sure, and for all intents and purposes we are, but we're here for different reasons than you guys are. Julie was here to be the dark, to be the driving force behind our determination, to balance his shadows. I was here to be his knight, to be the driving force carrying him through that hell, to get him balanced himself.

Do you mean 'light?'

Maybe. Ask him.

You're both things to me.

There you go.

So... you're saying he's your life in a job sense after all.

Only partly. We've discussed that.

And the other part is what you won't tell us.

Why should I?

Because honestly Laurie? I want to know. I'm sick of you being such a... a shadow, almost.

A shadow?

You're insubstantial. We can see the general idea of who you are, but that's about it. You're still mostly a mystery, and you're unreachable.

That's a pretty bloody interesting term you used though.

You were dark, back when you first met him.

I needed to be. He asked me to be. It helped. I wasn't a damned shadow.

But you never let go of that darkness you still had, not completely.

Yeah, well maybe I needed it.

To do what?

To protect him. I needed an edge to fight the demons I had to face. I still do. We're getting off topic.

Does your absolute secrecy play into that too?

Into what?

Into needing to protect him?

...It used to.

Not anymore?

I don't know.

So what's holding you back?

From what?

From telling us about yourself.

Because it's not that bloody simple. You said it yourself, everything ends up tying back into the anomaly over here.

So that is true.

Of course it's true. That's obvious.

So you expect us to deduce everything about you from what little we can see? It's not working, Laurie. You've been up here 5 years and we know almost nothing about you, not truthfully. I think it's time to change that, considering that the year itself just did.

...What the blood do you want to know.

What everything else seems to be springing from. What is it with you and Jewel.

I'm his superego, his psycho guardian angel. I protect him.

Besides that.

What 'besides that?'

Jewel brought up October 12th. You refuse to talk about it. What happened? And don't say 'stuff,' honestly Laurie.

...

Laurie, I want an answer. What is he to you.

Everything.

Really?

Yeah, really. What, you couldn't tell?

Laurie-- really, you are absolutely infuriating.

Sorry.

I can't read you. None of us can read you. Maybe those two can, but that's because you've obviously decided to open up to them and them alone. Is that only because you're 'protecting them?' Aren't you protecting us too?

...Yeah.

So, talk to us.

I am talking to you.

Not just in general. Laurie, come on, let's get to the bottom of this. All I want to know is why you keep making exceptions for Jewel and refuse to even have civil conversation on a regular basis with any of us.

Exceptions?

Yeah, obviously. Your attitude is totally different around him. All I want to know is why. Truthfully.

...You're acting like I can just give you a simple answer.

Can't you?

No.

...What can you give us?

Not much. Not much at all.

Laurie, for the love of light--

What?? What the heck do you want from me already? You want to know what that kid means to me, fine. He's everything to me. I already said that, you aren't happy with it.

I don't... I don't know what that means to you. Or why. I'm just trying to figure out who you are.

...I didn't think I could trust any of you for years. Because of that damned tar thing. I didn't want to be used, I didn't want anything about me being used against him. And it worked, it really worked, the tar still won't touch me. But I'm fragile too, Lynne. I don't ever tell anyone. But Jewel is talking about October 12th and you're all missing the point that hey, maybe Laurie isn't the stone-cold thug we all assumed she is.

That's what I'm trying to say. We don't know that side of you. Only he does.

Maybe I don't trust you with it.

Why not?

...I told you. I'm a lot more fragile than I let on.

...How?

October bloody 12th. That's it, I'm done. Jewel, let's wrap this up.

...What were we building up to?

I don't even know. You were falling apart and then the same bloody thing happened to me.

Laurie?

Yeah?

Don't close off to them, please. They care about you too.

Not as much as you do.

...

That's what this is about, really. I don't know, maybe it's my own bloody fault for being so exclusive. But I don't... I still don't trust anyone but you two, well, three with Xenophon now... but I don't trust anyone but you guys with who I really am. Even a little bit. Man that feels weird to say.

What does?

'Who I really am.' Writing's on the wall, I guess. I really am a secretive coward.

...What would allow you to trust us, Laurie?

Hurts, doesn't it?

What?

Me not trusting you as much as you'd like. I know it hurts. I'm sorry for that. But you've got to understand. I act like the knight in shining armor here, but honestly, I need someone to save me too, sometimes.

...Laurie?

That's what this whole fiasco is about, there you go. There's the big secret. The battleaxe superego guardian up here needs someone to back her up too. Laurie needs someone to run to at the end of the day and she's never had the bloody guts to admit it until now. I act like the boss but I've been pretty freakin' lonely with these trust issues I've been dealing with. No one got close. Except you, kid. Against all odds you still actually dared to get close, despite the axes I'd swing at you, despite how I swore at you, despite the blood I spat at you-- I tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, for God's sake, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?

...

You really did save me, kid. Remember what I told you, almost four years ago now? I wanted to keep you from becoming me. I didn't want you turning into a pitiless scourge, like I was to you. I didn't ever want to see you darken enough to close everyone else out, to become so bloody one-sided that as soon as I stopped swearing and tried to be nice to you, you thought something was wrong. And then I don't know how the heck it happened, maybe you just wore down my edges, but I softened up. I started trusting you, a little at first, then a heck of a lot. I legitimately cared about you and stopped trying to convince myself it was only in the bloody job description. Did I talk about this before?

Not like this.

Good, then we are breaking ground. Speaking of breaking things, where the heck did all my walls go? Did you ever realize just how many I had up? No, not you, everyone else. Jewel never sees the walls, that's how he gets so bloody far, he just keeps walking even if everything is standing in his way. He doesn't give up hope. He didn't give up on me, or Julie, or Chaos, or anyone. But he doesn't realize just how powerful that hope is. He's a spark, an agent, a guide. He's a cause . He's the only reason I started to hope at all . And I didn't realize it, but the moment that happened, I lost a wall. Just one. One of my defenses fell away. You kept doing that, Jewel, and every once in a while I'd throw them all back up. Here's an iron stronghold for you to get through, scared you half to death. But it was too late. You knew what I looked like behind all that barbed wire. I forget when you first saw that. But you did.

I think it was 2008. That was the day you... it was after my therapists made me think they were going to try and kill you. You started to get really scared but you hid it, completely. Then it got too much and you started to crack, a little, around me. And one day you got mad at me and you slapped me across the face, but then I noticed that you were actually crying, and you hugged me. And then you left without a word.

I did.

And that was the first time you ever showed that you cared, at all.

And now look at me. That was the first wall. It's gone forever. But on the 23rd, you showed me that you don't worry about walls either way. You could care less if there was a seven nation army standing in your way. You loved me. You walked straight through that palisade. You would have walked through hell to get to me, to anyone, and the fact that my name is even on that blessed list means the world to me. It does.

When was this?

The 23rd, I told you. Right after they decided they'd spent enough time up there in heaven. They were radiating love like radio towers. I didn't even think I could pick up that channel. And then you looked at me like you did on the twelfth, and I remembered what that felt like, so in fear I put up those walls, I put up every single defense I've ever had... and you walked right through the bloody things. Right through them, as if they didn't even exist. How the heck did you do that?

I don't know.

No, you don't, and that's the most beautiful thing. You just do that sort of thing, completely naturally. The most paranoid man on earth would trust you. Heck, that might even be Leon. Leon, you trust him, right?

Y-yeah.

There you go. But I'm a close second, God knows, and yet I trust you with my life. I do. That's the absolute truth. You could ask me to die for you right now and I would do it. And so help me but I'm starting to want to do that for a heck of a lot of people, and it scares me that I'm feeling this much all of a sudden, and that's exactly what you're going through right now, isn't it?

It is.

An arrow straight through the heart. Both of us, this time.

...Well, who's shooting the arrows?

Lynne's the one with the bow, but I don't know if she's responsible for the deeper symbolic aspects of this phenomenon. That might tie into Gen's native world.

...How?

Xenophon. What's her role?

How does she tie into this?

How'd she get here? What do you and Chaos have, that allowed the 23rd to happen at all?

...

Love is what you have. Entirely. Absolutely. You run on it, Jewel. I've never met anyone like you. And I love you. I actually love you. And if you asked me, right now, to match Genesis on this level business, I'd say yes. I honestly would.

...Are you serious?

I'm dead serious, and don't you start crying on me, I'm close enough to breaking myself.

I- I can't . Laurie, you just...

You essentially freakin' proposed on the 12th, remember? We were joking about that for weeks. But all our injokes are serious on some level, aren't they.

...

And no, Chaos, don't freak out, I'm still too weirded out by the other half of the 23rd.

Well, it's a start.

Yeah, it is. That enough info for you, Lynne? You got me spilling my bleeding heart out here. Congratulations.

...Laurie, I didn't know.

No, you didn't. Nobody knew. That's the point. Jewel kept telling me, open the heck up, you can't be such a stone-hearted imbecile, except in much nicer language. You can't stay closed off forever. It's only going to hurt you. And yeah, it hurts like hell. I'm sick of this self-abuse. You want to talk to me? Go right ahead. I couldn't care less about fear right now. Good riddance, seriously. I'm done. The walls are gone, happy 2012, let's start this life over for heaven's sake. I'm tired of what I've been up to this point.

I'm not.

...You saw who I was behind all this bloody steel is why. I think it's about time I actually started trying to be that person.

Don't hurt yourself, Laurie.

What, is that a legit concern?

Yeah. Don't do what Jewel does. Don't throw yourself into danger without thinking of the cost to yourself.

Buddy, I've been doing that for a few years already, haven't I?

You know what I mean. Just don't be reckless. Think of him.

Please Laurie, be careful, I don't want you suffering like I have. Ever.

...

So that's it.

What's it? I said a heck of a lot back there.

No, I... can we talk about this later?

Yeah, I'd be glad to. But now who's being secretive?

Laurie, really. It's just that we've talked enough in here. Jewel needs sleep. I'd rather continue this after the session is closed.

Works for me. That work for you, Jewel?

Sure.

The 24th going to happen now or what?

Psh, I don't know, if you thought I was fragile before you should look at me now.

I am. You don't look too good.

I think I really am going to shatter. You, and Chaos, are just absolutely lighting me up right now and I can't handle all this voltage. I'm shining fit to break.

Like I said, the 16th of January didn't turn out so bad.

That was different, and you also said that. That was different. This is a whole new year, a new chance. A lot has happened since then. This is a whole different level, Laurie.

Is it?

You saw how I reacted to Chaos last night. I can't take this.

...

Jewel, about that.

What?

...That's not something to be freaking out about. We're all sensitive to certain things.

He's afraid of breaking though.

I am. It hurts. And I just... I love him, but dear God, do you even know what that feels like?

What?

For someone to be that close to you. So deliberately and... honestly, again. Like a rainbow in a raindrop. Like blood and sunlight. Like...

Like weary eyes upon my scars, huh.

The lyrics are different, but I like that better.

Figured you would.

I can't talk about this. It feels almost blasphemous, to be discussing something that... fragile.

Hey, Darian drew it.

That's still close. That's close enough to last night, to July 7th. It's close enough.

...

Jewel?

Yeah?

Sorry I'm not going to be able to finish this conversation.

What do you mean?

I promised you guys a recap. I think it's a little too late for that.

No, Laurie, if you promised them a talk, then talk. I can wait.

You sure?

Of course. Sorry for putting you under so much stress.

It's no problem. I think I needed that. Otherwise who knows how long I would have dodged your questions?

Heh, you have a point.

So are we leaving?

You guys can leave if you want, sure.

Laurie?

Huh?

Thank you.

For what?

For protecting him, and all of us. Thank you for that.

...Well heck, I didn't expect to hear that from you. You're welcome.

Thanks for letting me live, too.

I had already killed you once, skeleton boy. It wouldn't have been fair to do it twice.

Seriously, Laurie. I didn't think I'd make it. Thank you.

Is everyone going to be thanking me now? Is this the new way to ring in the new year? Everyone smother Laurie with thank yous until she thinks she's at the bloody Academy Awards?

Well, we do have reasons to thank you.

Apparently! The heck are you thanking me for?

Not killing me.

I could have.

But you didn't.

I tried, a heck of a lot of times.

But you didn't, still.

That's nothing to thank me for.

Then I'll thank you for giving me a second chance too. For actually... forgiving me. For letting me stick around now. That means a lot to me.

...Guess it does.

Thanks.

Not sure what to say to that, but... you're welcome, I guess. Jo, you going to thank me too or what?

I'll thank you for not being more of a pain in the butt than you already are, sure.

Hey!

Just busting ya. Thanks for letting me on the team. And... trusting me as much as you did last year.

...Yeah. Almost forgot about that.

I didn't. Chill out, okay?

Sure, fine.

...

Last in line, huh. What's the deal?

Thanks for yelling at me earlier?

Really?

Yeah. Guess I needed some sense knocked into me.

Hey, I do that to Jewel all the time, it's no problem. I've gotten good at it. But things can get pretty upsetting up here, so you had every reason to be angry.

Yeah but you didn't have to help me out with it, so thanks.

Geez, everyone is acting like I went out of my way to do all this stuff.

Which is exactly why we're thanking you. You didn't, did you?

Well no, not really.

You may be shadowy and enigmatic, but you've got a good heart, and we all know that even if we don't say so. We're just worried about you.

No reason to be worried, I'll manage.

Then we just care about you, too. How's that?

...Best late Christmas present I've got so far. Thanks.

I'll see you later, Laurie. Don't keep them up late.

Yeah, yeah, I won't.

...

So.

I'm speechless.

No kidding, I'm worn out. Jewel, how much do you want to talk about?

First, let's get my daughter to bed, because it's almost 2 in the morning.

Mmmokay dad. M'just tired.

That's the point, beautiful.

Your dad's right. You need sleep.

But I'm worried 'bout you too. n'Laurie.

We've got that stuff settled out for now, kid. You're half asleep.

Mmaybe.

Yes you are. Get to bed, kid.

Mph. I think you're gonna have to take me there dad.

Want me to walk her out?

Carry her out, please, I unfortunately can't leave this channel.

Sure. Be right back.

Love you dad. You too dad. And Laurie.

We know.

We love you just as much, kid.

There is a heck of a lot of love going around here.

No kidding? Did you mean what you said to Jewel?

What part? But yeah, I was being totally honest. That rarely happens in polite and pleasant company.

The part about saying yes if he had asked you to connect with him.

...Why in heaven's name wouldn't I mean that?

Geez, Laurie, that is serious is why.

How bloody serious? I'm the only one of our four-man band who hasn't done that yet, and God knows I would if that was offered.

Why?

Weren't you listening, waterboy? It ain't in my job description, although I've apparently penciled it in. Why do you do it?

...I... But that's not the same, we--

I'm not talking about details, geez. I'm talking about the heart of it, pun intended. Deep down it's the same bloody reason. And that's the entire point.

...You seriously feel this much?

What, does that shock you? S'alright, it shocked me too. Still does. But look at my life, for heavens sakes. Better yet, look at him. Same blessed thing.

...I just... never thought about it like that.

'Cause it's a different color than yours is why. Doesn't matter. It's still love. And I've still got depths to rival yours.

...

...Which, quite honestly, is terrifying. But I'm realizing that if I don't pour that stuff out, I'll drown. And not in a good way.

Heh, yeah.

Although for me it's more water than space, apparently.

...So you'd actually... asphyxiate. Geez, that's way too applicable for you.

No kidding, man! 

All right, I'm back. What'd I miss?

Not much. That was fast.

Not much, he says. Not listening to the stage whispers, he says.

Ssh!

Yeah, I teleported her over. She is really tired, it's kind of cute. So what's up, Laurie?

The heck do you think is up? I'm an emotional mess is what.

Are you gonna be okay?

Should be. Yeah. In time, at least.

...So.

So?

Plans for tomorrow?

Putting up my calendar, for one. 

Heh, there's something.

No, really, I mean for us. Are we really going to try to accomplish what we weren't able to on the 24th?

Yeah, I'd like that, if you couldn't tell.

About that. Genesis, Jewel was talking to me about this earlier.

...

He's a little nervous about bringing you into this.

Why?

Energy mismatch? Jewel, how'd you put it?

You're a little too exuberant sometimes, love. Just a little too straightforward. I've been breakable recently. I don't want you rushing into this when I wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally.

...Well you can just tell me that, that's okay.

We can't do it like we did in 2008 or so. Not like to Ferry Corsten. Now the music's different. Now we've got Dare-Gale playing for two hours while I get completely lost in the mind and heart of a demigod.

...

All connections are different though.

I don't know if anyone's even getting close to connecting tomorrow. Point is, I said we're all doing this together. This is October 12th times two. Plus one. And Laurie can tell you, that had a very specific kind of mood.

Yeah, Laurie, what happened on the 12th? You were still kind of vague about it.

I took my bandages off. I let Jewel get close. And I completely collapsed emotionally.

Really?

Really. He's too bloody innocent, it hurts to look into eyes like that when you're hardened like this. I'm still too brutal at heart. He's a softie.

No walls at all.

Not a single one. I felt almost guilty, letting this sparkling thing look at me like he did and I was still secretly terrified. But yeah, mood-wise it was very deep. Does that count as a mood for us?

I think it does. It's not sad, not exactly, just... emotionally charged. Deep, yeah, that fits.

There you go. Piano key moods. Catastrophes and sunshine.

Not blood and sunlight?

You only get that close to Chaos, and that's what makes you shatter. No, I'm talking about rifle recoil and Coldplay. Open seas and daylight.

...

Rainbows and waterfalls, couldn't live without.

Everything is beautiful.

That's yours.

Mine hasn't been used as a title yet.

Maybe we should title this one after his?

That would be ironic, I barely did anything in this conversation.

Well, he and I have been living life together a lot more, so it could work.

Maybe. Laurie, I'm just wondering what you mean by a deep mood for tomorrow though.

Genesis, I don't know if we've had something like that in a while. We're usually stupidly optimistic, and I love that, but... when was the last time we really just calmed down and kind of just were together? Honestly?

...I don't know. There's little bits of that here and there, but... nothing big in a while.

Because that's all that happened on the 12th. Chaos and I fall into that state naturally at this point. For Laurie it was hard, she barely managed. For you, I'm sure you can hit it, but... I don't know, I feel kind of bad asking you to stop being so bright and bubbly for a while.

I can do that.

It wasn't the 'bright and bubbly' part you were worried about, Jewel. It's the fact that he's a little too straightforward for you sometimes.

Am I?

You are.

Just a little. I mean I'm not reticent, at all, but I take things slowly. Carefully. The last time I was with you you literally just jumped in. It was a little overwhelming.

I can not do that, though. It's not a problem.

To not do that?

Sure.

Geez, I was afraid you'd be offended, thank you for not freaking out on me.

Why would I be offended?

I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting my perfectionist fear. I'd start panicking that maybe I was doing something wrong.

You've got to stop listening to that programming, Jewel. There are no "rules" like that up here, remember? If following some arbitrary rule made you afraid to be honest and open, I'd tell you to break the bloody thing.

Good point.

So are we doing this thing tomorrow or what?

Depends on how much sleep I get, guys. It's 2 in the morning.

Yeah, I know, but... I kind of miss just talking like this.

I do too.

...

Chaos?

Just thinking about last night is all.

Yeah, Jewel, you fell apart.

I'm fragile, Laurie. He puts me to music, I can't deal with that sometimes. You know what that feels like.

Yeah, but God, you really fell apart. Is it really that different from a connection?

What did he do?

I let Chaos get close to me, but not in a total way. Not absolute, here let's completely freaking soulmerge kind of close, but... quiet close?

Why can't you take that from other people?

Maybe it's my fire. I can do that to other people, I do that to Chaos a lot, but as soon as the tables are turned and people are looking at me like I look at them and treating me like I'm an expensive violin I really don't know how to handle it, and I shatter inside. I feel everything.

Like an expensive violin?

We put him to music, Laurie. I think it's a fitting metaphor.

More like a harp, I was thinking, with all the heartstrings he's got.

...

True.

What were you doing though?

I don't want to talk about it, it's too freaking intimate.

I repeat, Dare drew you two being that close.

I didn't expect her to. You see how I'm reacting now. For some reason I'm not used to that.

Don't get used to it, mister Estar, that's not the point.

What is, then?

The point is you wouldn't keep bringing this up if you weren't bothered by it. Are you afraid of feeling that much from him?

I'm afraid of feeling that much from something that delicate , period.

Delicate?

Jewel, have you ever talked about that one Wednesday morning online?

...

March 2nd. Go freaking figure, actually.

...No. I tried telling Q and Mel once, but... I don't think they understood.

Is that what's making you feel so bloody guilty talking about it now?

Maybe unconsciously.

Forget that then.

I am. Judgments or even a lack thereof don't matter.

Misinterpretations do.

...Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of with everything I do now.

Don't be. It doesn't change the truth of things. Ever.

I know.

Do you believe it?

Yes.

Good. That's important.

I know.

So what happened on the second?

...I... how do you summarize that?

I don't know if you can.

You freak out when people get that close. Why? Are you afraid of being hurt or what?

No, I... maybe I just don't feel like I should be feeling that. Like it's okay if everyone else in the world can experience that. I actually used to love watching other people do things like that. Laurie, maybe that's what you do. I'm just... so inspired, so moved, by seeing love move like that between two people, so sincerely, so completely innocently.

Yeah, that sounds like what I do.

Then why don't you feel like you're allowed to feel it? That makes no sense.

It can't be gender dysphoria, because you get this reaction up here too.

No, it's not dysphoria on any level, I don't think, but... maybe it's just my misplaced guilt drive again. My family has always been very defensive and secretive, in a bad way. When I was a kid I would hide just to write my stories, just to draw. I remember even throwing out my favorite stories after I wrote them, because the thought of my parents reading them was so distressing. If someone caught me being so honest, I felt guilty, almost dirty. They made close and intimate things seem so wrong , because everyone in my family was so distant and angry and no one was ever close or sensitive to anyone else. And because that was one of the deepest parts of my nature, I always felt like I had to hide myself, to lie about myself, to deny that side of myself. Maybe that's where a lot of my current problems come from. I've never thought about it that way before.

That's why you always look for childlike innocence even in the things that hurt you.

I see it. I don't just look for it, it's there when I do it, but...

But not for anyone else.

No. And I've... I've paid in blood for that.

I know.

And now you don't have to hide that anymore, and Chaos is perfectly willing to have that with you in the most honest way I have ever seen, and you're still terrified.

I know...

Why won't you let go of it?

Of what?

The feeling like it's wrong somehow, to feel so much from someone, like that. It's not. It can't be, by virtue of what it is .

...

Listen, if you calm down, I'll calm down. I'll try not to freak the heck out tomorrow or whenever we do whatever we're doing.

Why do you freak out though?

I'm not used to feeling that much.

Neither am I.

Seriously?

Seriously.

The heck's the difference? No way that's stronger than a connection.

Different level. He hasn't worked on this level since he was a kid, and we've had shadows tearing at it for a few years now.

...

So you don't get guilt or anything when people get close to you.

Heck no, I just get terrified because my paranoia isn't gone all the way yet. I know you won't hurt me, but listen, letting anyone get that close to me is one hell of a risk. At least, that's what my instincts keep telling me, even now. And yours keep saying that letting anyone get that close to you is wrong, because why?

Because...

Remember what Josephina said. Check your facts.

It's not wrong. I thought it was when I was a kid. I didn't understand.

So now you're just scared of how much you feel.

I don't know how to explain that. It's different from the 23rd. It's a different context.

You don't have to explain it, I know how it feels.

Not exactly, Laurie.

You sure? You do remember the 12th, right?

...

I know what that feels like.

Jewel?

Yeah?

I don't have to do that if you don't want me to.

No, I... I need that, somehow? That trust, that complete candor of it. The fact that it's you , like that, with me, and I just...

Hey, I've got an idea. How 'bout we stop talking about this and you two go figure it out firsthand? Think you can deal with that?

I... maybe. I hope so. Chaos, if I start crying or something ridiculous like that, don't mind me.

Crying isn't ridiculous. It happens, and you feel enough for it to happen often. It's not a flaw, at all, ever. Get that out of your head.

...

Just because I'm a bloody statue doesn't mean you have to be one.

Laurie, you're not that expressionless.

I used to be. I had two modes, ticked off and fires of hell. That was it. Then Jewel decided he was going to write in all these new and secret modes and it took me a really long time to figure that stuff out. But the point is Jewel is still denying his emotions. You don't need to be anyone's tough guy. You're stronger than the most musclebound action hero on the planet with that heart of yours. Believe me.

...

Listen, you need sleep. Genesis, you got anything to contribute to this?

Not really. I just want to make sure Jewel is okay before I leave. I'm tired too, but he doesn't look so good.

He's a bit of an emotional shambles. He'll be okay, promise.

Laurie's right, I'll pull myself together soon enough. I just... I feel so weird not being able to reach a good conclusion on this topic. I don't know what I'm even trying to say.

You want to be close to Chaos but you're afraid you're too fragile to handle it. Sounds like the 23rd, different level, different sort of overload.

Yeah.

He kicked you into "blue fairy mode" last night, didn't he?

Really, Laurie.

He did, though, the ironic injoke has come full circle. Now you're a real man, so stop trying so hard.

Laurie, you're making me laugh over here, stop it.

No, you need to lighten up, you haven't smiled in like two bloody hours.

Well now I'm smiling, there you go.

Good. You two going to be okay?

Why, are you leaving?

No, we're all leaving at once, I don't want this going on for another five hours. I mean are you going to be okay after the session is over?

Define okay, Laurie.

Are you going to be a negative emotional mess or are you two somehow going to find a way to work this out for the best?

My money's on the latter.

Mine too. You two always seem to do that whether you're trying or not.

Which is good, because I do try too hard.

You do. Listen, Jewel. Crying, falling apart, being sensitive and all that? It's fine. Seriously. If it happens, it happens. I actually admire that you can do that. So don't beat yourself up over it or go on a guilt trip. It is fine and I don't want you suppressing that sincerity. All right?

All right.

Chaos, I am holding you responsible for getting him to at least one of those.

What? Why?

It's 2012. I want this fixed. Get him through fragility without freaking out, somehow. If he falls apart, make sure it's not into fragments.

I'll make sure, I promise you that.

I'll fall apart into... a kaleidoscope. Maybe.

No dissolving poet mode, not now, it's too late even for that. Channel it into the blue guy.

Into the blue guy?

Yeah, why the heck not?

Sounds good to me. Jewel, I'm taking her up on this offer, let's get moving.

Now you're making offers on my behalf, Laurie. Whatever will you think of next.

God only knows, kid. Hey, Genesis?

Yeah?

You don't have to be a spectator, you know.

I know, I'm just watching.

He's learning from you, be careful.

Hey, you two are legit inviting me now, I'm the one who needs to be careful!

Maybe I should stick around and just be a spectator, then.

Nope, that's it for tonight, we're closing this up. I think we're all worn out in one way or another.

That's for sure.

I do want to spend time with you guys soon. Tomorrow, hopefully. If not then Monday. But I love all of you so much. I just don't want to be a mess when it happens.

You won't be. I've got faith in you, kid. Chaos, take care of him for me.

And me, by the way. You have the night shift now.

I've always had the night shift, Gen.

No, I used to hang out with him until he fell asleep, remember? Back in the old days!

Never like this, though.

No, not like this, I did that in the mornings.

Did you?

Uh, yeah, Ferry Corsten? That was at like 7AM. Chaos, when was yours?

Like 10PM or something. It was late.

Laurie, you need to find something right in the middle there.

No way, man, that's up to Jewel and I'm not rushing a single thing. It was an acceptance in advance, I don't care if it never even bloody happens. That's not my real goal. It's the thought, and what inspired it, that counts.

Yeah, and you know how important thoughts are.

You have a point.

But no, I won't rush anything. I need to get myself stable first and I'm not ready for that either. First step is getting over this fragility freakout. Chaos, you're going to need to walk me through it. Slowly.

Slowly?

Yeah. I... I don't know, I write all this poetry about you when I'm up late, and then I actually see you like this, and all the words go out the window. Fantastic Plastic Machine.

Hm.

It's true.

I know.

...

Guys?

What?

Stop staring at each other like that before you make us two want to get involved.

Yeah, no kidding, you're making me jealous.

Of which one of us?

Haha, both of you, maybe!

We've got the weirdest relationship-shape in history going on here.

It's asexual, for one, that's weird enough.

No kidding.

Wait, does it actually go four ways?

Well, it technically doesn't unless you and I get involved, and frankly that is way too freaking weird for me right now.

Yeah, uh, no offense but that's really weird for me too.

None taken.

Wait, just us?? Not you and Chaos?

Genesis, the night of the 23rd was pretty weird.

What did you do.

I snogged her is what.

It was a dare and it was weird, man! You two were way too bloody high on love and life and I figured hey, why the heck not?

Still happened.

Yeah, whatever, that's still confidential and if you tell anyone outside of our freakish camaraderie I will gut you like a fish.

I'd like to avoid that, so my lips are sealed.

You're going to have to kiss her eventually, Genesis.

Oh shut up, CZ.

That's how it goes, bud! Once you're in the group, you're in with everybody else. No exceptions. It just happens.

I just really love everyone, like a heck of a lot, and I guess it rubs off on people?
 
No kidding, he's done that downstairs already, too.

I know. I love it.

We do need talks like this more often.

I'm all for it.

Not this late though, seriously.

Haha, no kidding! You two get out of here, I'll close this up.

I'm not staying in here alone with you after what Chaos just said!

Geez, Gen, chill the heck out, I'm not making moves on anyone.

I'm kidding.

I should've guessed.

No, we're weird enough for that to be a valid concern.

True.

Guys, we're not gone yet.

Get the heck out of here, you do have things to settle.

That we do.

Be careful with him, by the way.

I will be.

See you two in the morning.

Yeah, you too.

Good night, Jewel. You too, Chaos.

See you guys.

Well.

Well what?

Well, do you want to just close this up and avoid the awkwardness or what?

Uh, maybe? Or we can just be ironic and stand around and not do anything.

We could. But it's like 3 in the morning, this is really freakin' late.

Did you really kiss Chaos?

Technically he got me, because Jewel got me like three freaking times and then dared me to get Chaos and I thought why the heck not. I couldn't exactly argue with him at that point.

Yeah, Jewel can be very convincing.

Haha, no kidding. So how the heck is tomorrow going to go down?

Is it tomorrow?

I hope so. Tonight was insane enough to need a near-immediate followup.

Probably. You had a rough time in here.

Eh, I guess it had to happen. I'm really hoping Jewel and Chaos are okay though.

What, with the fragility?

Yeah. Jewel does break easily. It worries me sometimes.

It worries me too. But I don't get why he's breaking around Chaos.

Because of how fragile it is. You heard him earlier, it's pressure points. And Chaos knows him like a book already. Jewel has him memorized, but I've got the feeling it goes both ways even if the blue guy doesn't talk about it.

That's pretty amazing.

What?

The memorizing thing. How they're actually able to do that.

Well you've seen them, haven't you? They're all over each other in one way or another. Chaos just absolutely melts into him and vice versa.

...

What, you jealous?

No, no, just... well, maybe a little bit.

Really?

Really. I just wish I could spend more time with Jewel like that too. I got to a lot when he was in high school, but it was always just barely at that level, and then 2008 happened and I guess everyone suffered from that.

Jewel does feel kind of intimidated by you sometimes.

Why?

I guess you don't go into fragility mode like he does. Even if it's not as severe as what they're doing tonight, both he and Chaos do get awfully fragile when they get close.

Hm.

And that seems to be a sort of natural state for Jewel. Totally open, no boundaries. Apparently Chaos does keep some up still but I think Jewel just burns right through all of 'em anyway.

You said he broke straight through yours?

Not broke, walked. He acted like they weren't even there and it somehow worked.

Wow.

Wow is right, you don't know what that felt like. You hear him talking about fragility? I have never felt that completely bloody defenseless in my life. And in a good way!

How so?

Like I didn't need to have any walls up. It was scary to not have the bloody things, but it was such a huge relief to know I could trust him like that, I guess. I dunno. It's new to me.

Huh. So you're saying maybe I need to be more fragile with him.

Just be less aggressive, I guess.

I'm aggressive?

Nah, I'm aggressive, but I break easy, believe it or not. You actually seem to have a good head on your shoulders there.

What do you mean by aggressive though? What am I doing?

You're going to have to ask Jewel for specifics. He's the one that brought this up to me. I see that you're just unflinchingly determined. You want something, you go after it. You want to be with Jewel, you're focused on that. Jewel doesn't focus on that at all. It's weird. It's like he's doing something completely different, and I think the personal factor of that is what freaked me out on the 12th the most.

Personal factor?

The flipside of this fragility thing. Jewel gets obsessed with people. You know how I said he looked at me?

Yeah.

That wasn't just a compassionate look or anything like that. That was like... geez, how do I explain it? It's like... like he was seeing me for the first time or something.

Maybe he was.

...Yeah, but... every single time? He still looks at Chaos like that!

I think that's just how he works.

Yeah, well, it's bloody awesome, and I hope he never quits.

I thought you said it freaked you out!

It did! No one has ever looked at me like that! But, really, it felt kind of amazing to have someone care that much all of a sudden. Or all along, and to just realize it then. I dunno. I'm tired.

Join the club.

Guess we'd better close up then.

Guess so. Otherwise this'll go on forever.

Nah, you need to sleep, that would eventually cut it short.

You don't sleep?

Not typically.

Geez.

Maybe I'll talk to the Sandman, see if he can convince me to take a legitimate snooze every once in a while. As of now though I've got too much bloody work to do, sometimes literally.

Like what do you do at night?

Used to be security. Now it's almost like a break, if there's nothing to settle from the day before, and if there's no one I need to contact or go looking for. You've seen what Jewel's done with our headspace, right?

Yeah, it's gorgeous.

He keeps adding to it! We've got this huge deck out back now and he added a coffeeshop for nostalgia's sake. So I go wandering around this city of ours sometimes, maybe I'll even add stuff.

You can add stuff?

Limitedly. I've got headspace-warping abilities, God knows how, but they're limited to our space up here as far as I can tell. Jewel and Chaos can do whatever the heck they want wherever they want, thanks to July 7th. I don't know if Xenophon inherited any of that. I honestly hope she did, that would be awesome.

Xenophon is so cool.

Isn't she? She's a total sweetheart. I love talking to her.

Really?

Yeah, no kidding! Who do you think takes care of her now? Lynne did all the babysitting while she was still developing, but now it's me, that's my job. So when she's not chilling with you or her fathers then I get to hang out with her, and it is boss.

You'll have to invite me over next time that happens, it would be cool.

It would be. Hey, maybe we can drag Leon or Julie over or something, those two need to be more involved with our group.

Does Jewel like Leon?

He likes everybody, that's obvious at this point.

No, I'm just wondering.

He does like Leon, as a friend. I'm the only headvoice he's got a crush on. I think.

Haha.

Well hey, it's the truth.

I know, that's what makes it funny!

But really, we should've closed this conversation up way back there.

Uh-oh, don't tell Jewel about this, we're the ones always telling him to close up fast.

Well you know what I say about rules. Break the bloody things when you need to. 

Within reason?

Yeah, but up here you can do that no worries. So we can talk however long we want, it's not bothering me.

Oh, so you made this rule, and now you're breaking it.

Basically. Turns out that breaking it is the better option here. Put it back together better, y'know. 

Is Jewel still listening to that song?

He's got it on loop. Kid gets addicted to music pretty darn fast.

Wasn't he channeling it through Chaos earlier? How does he do that?

He doesn't, he just kind of pushes it in Chaos' direction and he picks up on it. They run it through each other. Those two are joined at the hip, remember.

I think they're joined at more than the hip, Laurie.

Yeah, no kidding. That link is a lot higher up, and that's where this fragility thing comes in.

You're really worried about that, aren't you?

Yeah, because I felt that on the 12th, and if Jewel gets it that bad I don't want him hurting himself.

Hm. Yeah, he does that a lot more than I'd like.

Join the club!

We can both join each other's clubs, awesome.

What was yours?

Being tired.

I think that's a good place to close up for real, though.

Yeah, no kidding. Next thing you know I'll be tired and hungry, too.

Psh, we've always got an injoke, I'm telling you.

Hurry, let's end on another one.

Well, I've heard that you're the one that started the recent sunglasses fad, so...

...Deal with it, Laurie.

That's it, Kanye shrug, I've had enough.

Works for me.

Oh, and happy new year, because why not.

That too!

2012. Man. Gonna be awesome.

Not if we don't get some sleep to start it!

Hey, you get sleep, I'll be up partying all night.

No fair!

Just kidding. I'll probably walk in on Jewel and Chaos and see what happens from there.

You've gotta teach me how to do that.

We'll work on it. As of now, this session is over.

That works for me!

Thank God, you're at least easy to work with.

Haha.

No seriously, good night.

You too, Laurie. See you tomorrow.

Inevitably.