the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE
GENESIS APOLYMIS LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SPINE HYPOMONE
LEON KIASI NATHANIEL VICTOIRE JULIE ENANTIOS


(PART ONE)


So, Laurie.

Hm?

We are now up to the 12th, which is when I was remembering old outspacer loves and somehow survived THREE hack attempts.

Which is absolutely bloody monumental, really. You didn't think you could do either of those things anymore, and then bam, this afternoon just happens
 
It really did!

Did we discuss this in here?

Uh, I'm not sure. Let me check... vaguely?

Eh, run it by them again.

Okay. Oh hey, that's actually important. So I was doing Hokthai research at the time, and so we decided to watch Tezuka's Metropolis that evening, and Xenophon actually stuck around to watch it with us, which was amazing. But... seeing her, with her names and her other father, watching that old favorite movie of mine... it made me miss so many other people I've known from media, like Bogardus and Grievous and Davy Jones, not to mention Ryman and Markus of course.

You need to bring Davy back in here.

I think I'd die.

Haha!

Seriously! He's an awesome guy but I just visit him now. I think bringing him into headspace would be way too stressful, in several ways.

Hey, about that. Isn't all that outspacer focus what made you start freaking out about the 23rd? With energy burnout and all that?

Yeah. Having more people around is great, but it can be overwhelming. I had finals at the time too, and I was still just getting out of the major painful learning period that was November, so I was fighting off tar hacks as well. Basically it was a huge energy strain on me and it began to tire me out, severely. I started realizing that on the 14th. Well, kind of.

Kind of?

I was just starting to seriously think about it online on the 14th. That's when I started to see Chaos incredibly clearly, and I began feeling this unexplained significance concerning our anniversary. Neither of those points faded in the slightest over the next nine days so that really put stress on me too. I knew the 23rd was going to be incredibly important but I didn't know why, and I was worrying too much over it and basically started freaking out.

No kidding.

Yeah, you know all about that. So I was really in love on the 14th, which was actually the day after we finished watching Metropolis, so Xenophon was a bit of an emotional mess...

That movie was so sad at the end though, with Tima! I told you about that, dad.

You did. That's actually what the next entry was about. That one was huge.

Was this the one before you went to that concert? Because I remember how torn up you were then.

It was.

The concert was so pretty though. I loved it.

It was. I needed that just as much as you did, at the time.

Jewel, talk about this entry, that one was vital.

All right. This one was on the 16th, after finals ended, and so now my mind was free to focus on headspace matters and there was a lot to focus on. I realized a few things. One, I was still downplaying, criticizing, masking, or ignoring my emotions.

Are you still doing that?

No, but the impetus is still there. It's an old problem but I'm trying to just ignore it though, because I know for a fact that it's not something I should pay attention to.

Good! That's my job then, making sure you stay away from that stuff. Check your facts!

Exactly! So that is being worked on and it's not bothering me at the moment. That... it only hit me after that one night Chaos picked up on it, though. When I refused to express anything.

That was the night he was sobbing, wasn't it. That hurt like hell.

I couldn't help it, Laurie. I feel everything he does like that.

I didn't say you could help it. I just said I couldn't help hurting either.

...

It forced me to stop doing that too. I was deeply shaken by that so it forced me to take a stand and start being honest with myself again. The second problem was my pain addiction, which we actually solved and fixed thanks to the 23rd...

We're getting to that, what's point three?

Me liking the 'ideas' of things more than the actual things? That usually focuses around possessions, but then it's an ego thing so I can actually conquer that easily and I have been doing that lately. But it was a big problem in the past when I didn't recognize what it was and kept making bad decisions because of it.

Why'd you bring it up then?

Two very different reminders. One, I bought a fandom-based book and calendar, and immediately had to wonder if I had done so only as an act of gratitude and thanks, and if I had even wanted the things at all.

Did you?

Yeah, actually. I do need a new calendar, and I got the book because that fandom has inspired me significantly and I cannot downplay its significance with any sincerity. So that was valid, but the worry was there.

What was the other reminder?

Melody talking about relationships, actually. She kept saying I was 'too far away,' and it made me realize that I often like being far away, because with the butterfly problem I mentioned earlier, that can make me actually care for them more genuinely than when they're close?

How so?

Because then they aren't labeled. They are their own people and I am not involved when I'm far away. It's like... it's like that girl I love, Jena. I've never met her, I've spoken to her once, and she is one of my biggest inspirations. And yet I don't mind being so far away. I love the fact that she has her own life, and all I want, ever , is for her to be happy. Same with Alexandria, who I've loved since elementary school for heaven's sake. So when people want to get closer to me, I worry, because then it feels like it becomes 'possessive.' When people get close they stop being free, when they get involved with me directly. And that scares me somehow?

Well, you're doing fine with Chaos. And me. And Genesis.

I get the point, yeah. So I'm not sure what the disconnect is there? But it is a problem I'd like to solve. I do need to be more grounded there in any case. I just don't want to be treating people far too carelessly because I'm afraid of becoming attached. I'm not attached to you guys, so why am I worried about that happening in the future?

Who knows? Maybe you're just worrying too much. But we'll discuss that later too.

What else are we discussing later?

A few things. We'll review those if we have time, but really Jewel, it's getting late and I'm more concerned about wrapping up tonight. Everything else can wait, that's secondary.

All right. Where are we now?

You tell me, kid.

Oh. Sorry. We are... at point 4, from the 16th, which is simply me stating that Chaos and I hadn't connected in months, and with us having to do that on the 23rd, I realized that the lack of it was actually causing all the other problems I was dealing with at the time. That actually gave a better insight to part of point 3, Laurie.

Was that the naivete thing?

Yeah, it was!

Tell me about it.

I was looking for innocence and hope and things where they couldn't be found.

We discussed this. I know for a fact that we did.

Here?

Yeah. Go look, I swear we talked about this before. Infinite hope, remember?

Oh, hey, we did.

And the emotion masking was you feeling guilty for wanting to be with him, God knows why, and the pain addiction was you unconsciously trying to find something as overwhelming as a connection and failing.

Yeah.

There we go, those are solved. Was there a point 5? You mentioned Xenophon.

Yeah, that tied into Metropolis. She said I was doubting who I was too much.

You do do that, dad. You shouldn't.

I know.

Once again, do you believe it?

Yes, I do.

Then why do you do it?

I actually don't know.

Sounds like my job description! I'm going to help you with this, you know.

Good, I like having you around.

You do?

Yeah, I really do! Same with Leon, dude, you need to stick around, you're awesome.

T-thank you.

So yes, that was point 5, and once again that was another motivation because I didn't want to unconsciously hurt Xenophon or anyone else through doubting myself. And... ironically, there was a wildcard.

Hey Joe, what do you know.

Exactly.

I do believe we figured this topic out too.

We did. But that caused me so much pain at that time, you wouldn't believe it.

I believe it. I saw it, firsthand.

I guess you did. Sorry.

No problem. I also saw you two fix that problem, not firsthand there though, that would have been taking this 'fangirling' business a bit too far.

What?

Injoke. Don't ask.

I won't, I'm slowly learning you guys are too weird to comprehend sometimes.

Hahaha.

By the way, Laurie, I'm still listening to that Daley song.

So I heard! How many plays now?

No idea, I have the pitch lowered on Wavepad so it's not scrobbling.

Shame, that would have been funny to count.

Let's just say approximately 62 times, right?

Well of course!

Which song is this, by the way?

Spent.

I like it.

Good, I'm going to be listening to it for the rest of the night.

Speaking of nights. That "wildcard" problem, you two fixed that, right?

You do remember what I said to him last night? It's fixed.

Even after that near-hack this week?

Even after that. Totally fixed, Laurie.

All right, make sure, because that's some dangerous stuff right there.

I know.

That commission I bought from Dare is helping so much it hurts.

We're not at that topic yet, kid. What's the next entry?

The 21st.

Geez, what did you talk about then?

Basically, I was freaking out.

Yeah, no kidding.

I got really emotional. I kept remembering 2005, and 2008, and 2011 of course. And then everything I wrote in there, we all discussed in our past three entries or so.

That we did. So we're at the 23rd now?

Essentially.

Finally.

Why, is it fangirling time?

You know it, Lynne.

Laurie, come on. What do you want us to talk about?

Whatever the heck happened after you two left the room last Friday.

You heard about that, Laurie, I told you.

You told me vague details.

I told you everything I could, love. What else do you want to know?

I dunno. I'm just curious is all.

About what?

About the whole freakin' thing. If Jewel was right in saying that 21 entire years led up to two hours, I want to know what in the world they did.

You want to know what we did that made you feel what you did.

...Basically.

What's this now?

Stuff. Just stuff.

Laurie.

Jewel effervesces a lot when he's fully centered. Those two were right on the money after that. No instability whatsoever. They were broadcasting love like a satellite. I want to know what the heck drove the meter up that astronomically high.

We connected four times?

Four times?

Didn't you hear about that?

No! How did you do that?

Very carefully.

No kidding, love. That was insane.

Seriously, how the heck did you two do that?

Jewel didn't know if we could pull off two, but we figured why not, and that was so incredibly weird that we just had to keep going.

Weird?

He felt like the freaking cosmos , is what I mean by weird.

What do you think you felt like, Chaos? Seriously, I've drowned in you before but wow.

We got new soul forms, by the way.

So I heard.

Did you?

Yeah, they're amazing. I haven't hit mine in over a year, actually, so that was incredible.

I could see your eyes. That was incredible.

It was.

See them?

Yeah. Somehow, I could clearly see the color of his eyes, even across realities. It was almost incomprehensible. I saw them again last night too.

What were you two doing last night?

Heheh. Living up to commissions is what.

Dude, wait, that is seriously personal material and we're still on the 23rd.

How is that worse than the 23rd?

You'd be surprised. Spine, you're not talking.

That's okay, isn't it?

I guess. I just like hearing you talk too.

I have nothing to say though. I am here to catch up.

See, that's the problem with waiting three bloody months before recapping. No one knows what the heck is going on and I end up being the only one talking.

I'm doing a lot of talking, Laurie.

I mean besides you.

Well you are the closest person to him besides me.

That used to be me, you know.

Used to be Ryman before I got this far. You're still right up here on our level, Genesis, don't worry.

Speaking of, the 24th still hasn't happened!

What do you mean it hasn't happened?

Nope, sorry Gen, we're not there yet either.

Oh come on!

Hey, other stuff happened on the 23rd, remember? And Chaos, you shut your mouth, that is confidential.

Yeah, that would ruin your reputation, haha.

Shut the front door, seriously.

Laurie, you keep way too many secrets.

So I do. Jewel.

What?

Explain to me how in heaven you got so high up there.

Besides connecting four times within two hours?

Kid, you were walking through walls and you know what I mean. How the heck were you doing that? What in heaven happened exactly, that got you to that point?

I just... felt absolutely right , I guess. Remember how we said we thought the 23rd was going to 'set everything right' for the new year? Well, I think it did. Even if I'm having a tough time today. That set the stage, perfectly.

Did it really fix the past, do you think?

Definitely. The shadows we're fighting got a lot darker, but actually that's a good sign that we're on the right track, seeing how that's happened before in similar situations.

I'm so bloody sick of these shadows though.

So am I, but they're there for me to fight. I know, without a doubt, that this is testing my strength to make sure I can hold on to all that I've learned under dark situations. I haven't passed that test yet. I need to. This new year... it's going to be one heck of an adventure, I'll tell you that right now.

Obviously.

So about the 24th?

What about it?

What if that was the second half of it? Maybe we were supposed to do that and didn't. Maybe that would have helped you today.

Dude, you just want that to happen.

Well of course I do. Do you?

...

What was supposed to happen on the 24th?

Honesty is what. Total bleeding honesty.

Maybe we'll do that tomorrow. I'll do everything I can.

You'd better, after last night.

Can we get to that already? You're making me impatient.

Why, what the heck do you want to know?

I'm just curious about all this! You keep talking around it and it's getting me curious. It's all kind of enthralling.

Enthralling.

Yeah. You guys have so much going on and I can kinda see why you're obsessed with those two, Laurie. They're an interesting couple. 

You're preaching to the choir, Jo.

But the 23rd was awesome. Awesome beyond words, that is.

Fantastic Plastic Machine!

Ironically, didn't we talk quite a bit during that?

Not much, compared to how much we didn't. I think you're confusing feelings with words.

Maybe. And when we talked it was mostly about what we were feeling, too.

Exactly.

Is that what you were broadcasting?

What do you mean, 'broadcasting?'

Dude, you two were legit high on love for like two days after that. The two hours immediately afterwards were absolutely insane in that respect. I just want to know what you did to get that high up there, like I said.

Why?

I just want to know. It's seriously mind-boggling how you people do that.

Well, we fell in love eight years ago, and on the 23rd we fell into that entirely.

That's a wonderfully simple way of putting it.

It's true though.

So yes, that was the 23rd. That enough info for everyone, or can we move on?

I got wings, dad, remember?

Oh yeah, you did!

She got wings? Where?

On my back, look!

Whoa.

See? My dads gave them to me after that thing they did together. What's it called?

A connection.

Connecting, yeah. Then they came over to me and I got wings from it! They're still really small and fadey but they'll get cooler in time. Just like my arms and legs! I didn't have those at all for a while. Or wings.

How in the world did you give her wings?

Our energy just resonated with hers, I guess. I mean we are her ectobiological parents.

Plus, like I said, you two were absolutely connection-high.

You're jealous.

I'm just pointing out the obvious!

Chill out, Laurie, he's just teasing you.

Geez.

But yeah, Lynne, I think that's all it was. I was wondering if she was going to get anything from our connection, because she is linked to us both, and then I remembered how she still has that fluffy sort of light ball on her back. So I just touched it, and it kind of bloomed into wings right there.

Wow.

Lynne, you seem surprised!

I am! That is really cool. Congratulations, you three.

Three?

Well yeah. Jewel, Chaos, and Xenophon.

They weren't the only people involved in that event, you do know that.

I was too!

Then why haven't you said anything?

I have, I've been asking about the 24th not happening this whole time.

But you were involved on the 23rd?

Well not that way, but I did kiss both of them afterwards, which was awesome.

Both of them?

Yeah, both of them, why not?

We're basically "friendmates" by now, you know. That's red enough.

Oh come on, Chaos.

It's true!

Yeah, you two have this amazing bromance going on no matter how you look at it.

I won't argue with that.

Hey, what about...?

Confidential, you heard the lady.

Did you just call me a lady?

Why, is that a problem?

It's weird is what it is.

Fine, Genesis, you heard the gender-neutral psycho over there.

Superego.

Correction, superego.

I keep Jewel from going psycho.

Well, we are "friendmates".....

Don't even go there, kiddo.

But it's true!

I told you these guys are enthralling.

Haha!

All right, seriously, can we move on? Genesis, hold on about the 24th, we'll discuss all of that after this. Jewel, did you have anything written for Christmas or what?

Yeah, Christmas was awesome. By the way the 23rd was also when I commissioned Dare to draw that picture of us, CZ.

Seriously? That night?

Yeah, that night. I couldn't not do that.

You're awesome. I love you.

I love you too, seriously!

So. Christmas.

Sure, go on and interrupt us, Laur.

Hey, you remember what happened last time, when I let you two just keep talking.

She has a point!

She does.

Jewel?

Right, the 25th. Wait, did I mention the key?

The key?

Oh! Was that the Razia's Shadow thing?

Yeah! That was our fourth connection, which was insane.

Wait, what's this now?

My fourth connection with Chaos, which was the last one we could really handle, felt like a key? It was weird.

Explain this please.

It felt like it unlocked something in us both, that had never been opened before. But it was so odd because I physically felt it, in this reality, like my heart clicked into place or something. It was... it was just incredible, at the expense of reusing that word.

Hey, whatever works. But how does this tie into Razia's Shadow again?

"Their true love will be strong enough, to erase the wrong we've done. The dark and light will become one."

If you switch the punctuation it works the same way, actually.

...Yeah, that does make a lot of sense. But how does that involve keys?

Oh yeah. The verse before that said "So take heed of this prophecy. Lifetimes from now there will be two chosen, bound to meet. In her lock he'll turn the key," and of course you have to change the pronouns there but honestly the point still stands.

Go figure. That is some awesome relevance right there.

Dad I still haven't heard this musical and I need to!

She hasn't heard Razia's Shadow yet? Blasphemy!

We're working on it, man! The only reason we all heard it all the way through was because I first listened to it when I thought I was dying, remember.

That was the meds fallout of 2010, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was hell.

I remember that way too bloody clearly. But yeah, that musical carried you through surprisingly well.

We all had parts in it, it was great. Spine, you even got to be Dumaya!

I was Dumaya. It was fun.

Strangely, she has kept that voice.

Dude, yeah, even in Soul Calibur! Spine you need to talk like that more often, you do know that?

I would but it is difficult.

Well work on it, it's honestly hilarious.

Ryman and Markus had awesome roles too. Toba and Barayas.

I got to be Ahrima!

And Adakias, bro.

Haha, yeah.

We are slowly drifting off topic, guys.

That we are. Thanks for pointing that out.

No problem. We're still at the 25th, right?

Didn't even start it yet.

Right. Well, unfortunately, that morning I had a dream hack.

On Christmas? Geez.

Yeah, but I refused to let it get to me. It upset me a little that morning, but I did learn a good lesson from it, symbolically, and the rest of the day was absolutely phenomenal.

Symbolically?

It was a very indirect hack. I did some dream symbol research and it actually had some good advice to give. So that worked out for the best. Laurie, can I just skim over Christmas because I'm getting tired.

You serious?

A little.

Need to take a break?

I hope not. I'll let you know if it gets worse though.

Make sure. I don't want you burning out.

Neither do I.

I don't think any of us do.

Exactly. So, what, if anything, did you want to say about Christmas?

Just a few things. One, Dare drew Xennie for me as a bonus for my commission, which I promptly gave to her as a Christmas present.

Was that the picture you put on my wall dad?

It was.

I love that! Tell her thank you for me please.

Haha, I'm definitely going to have to! But yeah, Laurie was right in saying I was connection-high for a few days. I was just blissed out all day on the 25th. Oh, and my mom bought me one of those soul paintings from the expo, did you guys hear about that?

No, what was that?

Man, that's pretty convoluted, but basically there was a woman at the expo who said I had a great purpose to fulfill and she was honored to meet me? But she did these soul paintings as she had psychic abilities and was able to symbolically put what she saw in people into her work... anyway, my mother secretly bought one for me and she gave it to me for Christmas.

That's awesome.

Even more awesome is the fact that it's the same color as Chaos, am I right?

You are absolutely right.

It's blue?

It's a dark aqua-blue. It's the color of him in the "I'm Loved" picture Kiwi drew for me in 2009.

You're loved too, you know.

I'd never even question that, CZ. I know.

Maybe that's part of what she was getting at?

Maybe. I'm going to call her about it this week, so I'll find out. But that was the highlight of Christmas. Oh! And I saw my boss, but he was upset about the dream hack in light of the 23rd. Laurie, did you manage to talk him down?

Talk him down? How bad was he?

Pretty bad.

He was looking to punch things.

He was tired. I have never seen him look tired before.

He was looking for whatever the hell hurt you. He couldn't find it. I told him it was probably our resident tar demon, but that didn't calm his nerves too much. I promised him I'd keep an eye out though.

Geez. I really need to talk to him in person again soon.

You do.

But... that makes me feel really bad now. I was hacked again yesterday, I think.

That was on the 29th, kid.

Was it really?

Yeah, it was really, you had a bloody breakdown in the kitchen and actually started crying because your grandmother refused to respect your triggers again and kept setting them off. You know, that's probably why you're a total mess today. Your mother took you out for errands that afternoon and distracted you from coping, and you didn't get any psychological closure or anything. So you lapsed back immediately and now you just have to get over this turmoil and not let it rule you. Okay?

That makes sense. I think that will help me deal with this, actually. Thank you.

You're welcome. That's why I'm here.

Did I mention I got District 9 for Christmas? Finally? We need to watch that together now.

We do. Our headspace movie nights are pretty awesome, actually.

AI was so sad though.

Sad but amazing. That helped me so much with my series it was incredible. And... in a weird way it was personally inspiring for me, too.

No kidding. You started sobbing when Joe died.

It hurt too much at that point. I was an absolute mess from then right up until the credits rolled.

I'd watch it again, though. I liked it a whole lot.

We all did. Your dads keep quoting it, too.

Hey, that's my favorite injoke right now, of course I'm going to quote it.

My favorite injoke is currently the crispy snack crackers.

Hee hee!

Yeah, that one is Xenophon's. And mine is still the postcard bit. Which you still owe me.

I swear, Laurie, with my drawing class this semester? First free time I get there, I am drawing that for you.

Good. January 16th is your deadline.

Oh dude, that would be perfect. I am doing this now, for sure.

Haha!

Seriously, are we up to date now? With the recap?

Almost. There was an update on the 27th about "not taking myself seriously enough."

Explain?

That was... oh. Chaos, that was when I... when you couldn't reach me.

Oh.

I remember this now.

He couldn't reach you?

It was September all over again. I tried to talk to him, but he wasn't there. I looked in his eyes and he wasn't there. It hurt. It was terrifying.

Sounds like your fourth incident in reverse.

...

Sorry.

No, it's true, I guess.

I don't know how in the world I fell so far. It was terrifying.

I know how. You really weren't taking yourself seriously enough. You were trying to live up to someone else's life, weren't you? Someone whose life had absolutely nothing to do with yours, and who you shouldn't have been associating with at the time anyway.

...Yeah. I forgot that she was dangerous. I cared about her too much.

I know. Thank God Julie isn't dangerous anymore.

...There's someone like I used to be?

No, heck no. There's just someone who is rather similar to the old you, except not maliciously, and Jewel should not be anywhere near them right now and yet he was, because he forgot how they had hurt him in the past.

Unintentionally!

Still hurt, still wounded. You need to keep your boundaries up, kid. You need to respect yourself.

Do you think it's apathy? Or self-hatred?

What?

The reason why this keeps happening. There's something underneath the surface, besides my hope and forgiveness. There's something dark, I think.

Personally? I think it's the perfectionist problem again. Why were you trying to live up to what she was?

I just... I forgot that her life doesn't apply to me.

Why?

I don't know.

Then maybe some part of you still doesn't believe that you have your own exceptional path to follow. Be careful.

But Laurie, Chaos couldn't reach me. He was in pain and he was trying to talk to me and I couldn't hear him. I... I was there in form but not in spirit. What in the world happened?

...I don't know. The heck do you mean, he was in pain?

I was. Whatever was going on, it was going too far. I honestly think I got lucky in getting through to him.

You reminded some part of my heart of 2003.

...

What did he do?

He told me to stop, flat-out, as close as he could. An indirect "what are you doing?" And it snapped me to my senses, and I was scared out of my mind, and then you remember what a mess all of us were afterwards.

No kidding, I was furious. Chaos was freaking out just as badly.

And then we got Menchou back in here.

Is she the dog girl?

She's the dog girl. I haven't seen Veradenne but I think Menchou is just flying solo right now so as to not overload me. I'll have to ask about her.

But she is around. Menchou, I mean.

Yeah, is she becoming permanent up here or what?

That's your call, kid. Talk to her about it, not me.

All right.

Why is Menchou up here now?

She's able to ghost, very limitedly, but she can access locked-out spaces that no one else up here has been able to access, ever, thanks to traumatic hacks in my past. So if stuff gets bad and Laurie can't mentally reach me, Menchou can actually ghost in and help me out almost directly. Which has already helped me once already, at least in keeping stable. I've been meticulous with triggers lately, as my Tumblr feed got lethal again so I had to unfollow without mercy, so to speak. It helped.

That's good.

Why do you follow these people if they trigger you?

Because they didn't post triggering things when I followed them, and they don't see those things as problematic. So I just have to quietly click the 'unfollow' button and be on my way. My mental stability is more important than what's on my dashboard, in every case.

True.

So that was the 27th. I just need to be vigilant about that, I think.

You do.

And then... on the 29th there was another dream hack, and this time it threw me so far off center I immediately started writing about it. That entry is full of pain.

What was it about?

That's when I realized that I was having these dark things thrown at me to see if I could stand strong in spite of them. I had been doing spiritual research over the past few days, remember Laurie?

Yeah.

And I read an article that triggered me horrifically, unintentionally of course, and I was just so sick and tired of it by that point that I just started ranting about it. Actually, that helped a lot, because it burned away my self-doubt and made me realize that yeah, I really was on the right track, even though it was a very different track than the ones people kept trying to lead me towards, and that article actually proved it to me despite the triggering.

Did it really?

It really did. Thanks to the 23rd, again. That was just so undeniably true that I actually refused to let doubt creep at me concerning what I was being led to believe anymore. I know I'm being vague, but like I said, I'm tired of this topic.

I don't blame you.

But yeah, I was incredibly unstable on the 29th. As usual, though, it forced me to realize a deeper problem. That's when I understood that I've been 'taking shortcuts' in solving this problem in the past, because yes I'm tired of it, but it also scares me to death. So when I'm trying to fix it, I still want to get away from it as fast as possible, and I rush through the job. With the dream hacks returning, I need to review what I've done so far, and figure out what our next step is without putting myself in danger or compromising whatsoever. Even if that's just being vigilant.

That might be all you can do right now, yeah. With what you figured out about it that morning, you should have an easier time with that now. I'm just concerned about how sensitive you are to it right now. Nat was right, you've been an absolute mess today. And speaking of Natalie, you haven't said a word since I yelled at you, are you really okay?

Yeah. Just trying to center myself too.

Smart move. Jewel, you still tired?

Yeah, it's late.

Let's wrap this topic up then. What happened yesterday?

Well, my mom distracting me from my pain was good because it calmed me down enough to actually work on Dream World yesterday. I think Xenophon spent most of yesterday with me too, because she was worried about me.

I did! It was fun. And I was worried about you. I still am.

Geez, she's still up too. You okay?

Yeah, just tired! But I wanna see the new year thing. Then I'll go to bed.

Same here, love. The things we do for special occasions, seriously.

Yeah, no kidding. So, yesterday.

Yesterday was great. I finally figured out what I need to do to make my typing work easier, I spent nearly the whole day listening to new music which was lovely, and I found out that Xenophon loves clementines.

I do!! They're so good they're delicious! And you promised you were making me that kale soup, you need to do that.

I will, as soon as possible. I find it hilarious how you and Genesis are both addicted to the first food you ever ate, though.

Butterscotch ice cream over here.

What's that?

You don't know what that is ?? Jewel, this needs to be fixed!!

Haha, I'll fix it in the summertime!

Is it good?

It's good but I can't eat it. But that's okay, Genesis introduced you to eggnog the other day, and that was amazing.

Is this where the new drinking contest joke came from?

Yeah, I was helping my mum with shopping, and Genesis just grabbed a carton off the shelf and started chugging it down, it was absolutely hilarious.

It's good stuff, Jewel!

You drank a whole carton of eggnog! Right in the middle of the dairy section! And no one had a clue. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

That sounds brilliant, you're right.

And how does this tie into a drinking contest?

Because Chaos is the king of champagne, and the thought of those two getting utterly smashed is pretty hilarious.

Can you two even get legitimately drunk?

Let's find out.

Not now, dude, seriously.

I'm kidding, love.

Hey, back to last night, kid.

Yeah, you've been leading up to this the whole time, I want to hear about this.

...I... don't know if I can talk about it.

What happened?

Are you okay?

Yeah I'm okay, I'm just...

Fragile.

...Exactly. You know how I bought that one commission on the 23rd? Of Chaos and I?

Yeah.

Apparently, innocently close things can drive me off the deep end a lot faster than even a connection buildup can.

You're serious.

Totally serious, you should've seen him.

Chaos, really.

Just trying to lighten the mood is all.

Yeah, Jewel, that hit you hard .

It was close. Close things get me point blank and I can't take them sometimes.

Dad, was this after the concert too?

What?

I remember you saying, before you connected, that you thought you were going to break if you got too close? Did that happen?

Almost.

That was an 'almost?'

I don't know. Yeah, it was. A full break would have ended with me sobbing like an idiot, probably.

And this is a positive thing?

Overwhelmingly so.

What happened?

...

Jewel is apparently really sensitive at certain points.

Was that a pun, Laurie?

Very much so.

If you get me there I think I'll die. I'm serious.

Why me? Kid, Chaos has experience and better rights than I do on that level.

Yeah, but remember what we said when you found your metainomen.

...What about it?

How in the world did you get this far, this fast? And you're at a different level overall. With this sort of thing, I think that actually makes Jewel more fragile around you.

I don't know. I don't think I'd let her get so close right now. Chaos, you are emotionally killing me with that and even thinking about it is driving me to tears, I'm sorry.

...Is this something you guys can talk about?

I don't know.

I... I just break, when people get too close.

But you had a connection. A connection . And this apparently didn't happen.

This was different, ironically. I can handle powerful, total things like that better than I can handle the quiet, small things. A lot better.

You can take a brick to the face but one touch will completely unravel you.

I can take a freight train to the heart but...

Yeah.

...

What's this about?

Why're you asking? We're trying to explain.

No, I... I'm worried? He's in a lot of pain, and I just... don't understand why.

Leon, hear me out, man. It's pressure points. Weak spots. You can hit a dartboard as much as you want, completely cover it with arrows, but it doesn't really hit hard until you get a bullseye. I'm a dartboard right now, and Chaos has really freaking good aim.

What's he hitting?

My heart, really. And this is getting me bad. Am I really unraveling, Laurie?

Yep.

 I-- I need to pull myself together.

Dad?

Your dad is a bit of an emotional mess at the moment, kid. Don't worry, this isn't negative. He's just fragile.

This isn't a bad thing. Why do I fall apart so easily?

Because you're so sensitive. You don't have any walls up at all.

And that's not bad?

Not here. Here, that's amazing. You're the strongest person I know because of that.

Then why am I falling apart?

Life and death, maybe.

...

You told me you look like a taijitu inside, didn't you.

I do. We do.

Don't you love symbolism?

Yeah, but we already discussed that.

No, I mean more abstract symbolism. Broader meanings. Aren't you obsessed with the little things? Tiny little details, that you'd never notice unless everything else was quiet and you just looked, in total honesty. Blood and sunlight.

...Don't bring that up now.

I'm bringing it up now, kid. You remember what the end of January 16th was like? Just like this. You fell apart.

...

And that was not a bad thing.

I'm not saying it is. Then... why am I worried?

No walls, kid. No boundaries, no spikes at all. You're completely open here. And you're freaking out a little because even you don't realize how vulnerable you are like this. But you still let people in. And then you feel too much.

And it scares me.

Why?

I feel so much .

From Chaos?

Obviously. And that's why this simple little commission is driving him up the wall.

Why? What did she draw?

Closeness. Honest closeness is all, and Jewel almost forgot what that felt like.

The last time I felt something like that was July 7th. And maybe... maybe October 12th. With you.

...

...Laurie?

Sup?

What's going on with you two?

Stuff. Just stuff is all.

You're being infuriatingly vague, Laur.

Infuriatingly? That's a strong word.

We've all been asking you about this for months, and you refuse to open up to us. I respect the fact that you have secrets, but now you're kind of lying to our faces here.

Lying by omission doesn't count. Doc Scratch said so.

I think you're just as nervous as he is.

And what if I was?

...How involved are you in this?

In what?

With those two.

Genesis still has several steps ahead of me.

How many?

I wouldn't know, kid.

Jewel?

Yeah?

How close is Laurie to Genesis' position? Concerning you?

Like placement? In terms of what?

In terms of how close you let them get to you.

Well that's very arbitrary. Laurie is ahead of Genesis on some levels, and behind him on others.

Hm.

Lynne, why are you asking about this?

I'm just curious is all. Just curious.

Why?

You don't talk to us about this. And frankly I'd like to know about it.

Why the heck is that any of your business?

Why the heck wouldn't it be? I worry about you too. We're practically sisters, as weird as that might sound to you. And you don't say a word to me about 90 percent of your personal life. All I know of you comes from your axe-swinging days, and these conversations. You're an enigma to all of us outside of hearsay. And considering that you're one of the most important people in Jewel's life, and the absolute top-ranking guardian up here, that's a little disconcerting.

Because I'm secretive? Geez, don't ever get involved in politics, then.

I'm serious, Laurie. You yell at everyone else to open up, to 'chill out,' to stop fighting and causing trouble. But you don't say a word when we ask you about things like this.

Totally different context, Lynne.

Not really. We're open with you. If we're upset, or concerned, we tell you. We express that. You lock everything up, and no one knows how to deal with you, or even approach you sometimes. No one except Jewel. And that's why I'm asking.

Lynne, I've been protecting the guy for years. Since he was sixteen. That's my life.

Is he your life?

Basically. If you want to put it that way.

Was that a pun?

Take a guess.

...

Laurie, really.

The heck do you want now, Jo.

I've seen more of you personality-wise than Lynne has. You remember last year.

Yeah, and what about it?

You are secretive.

So what? Why is everyone jumping on me about this topic? Why can't any of you ask me about something else? If I'm so bloody secretive I'm sure I have a heck of a lot of secrets tucked away somewhere in the enigmatic shadowy corners of my mind, why don't you ask about those?

Because they all tie back to him.

...

They do, and that's why we're jumping on this topic. No matter how many secrets you may have, you can't deny that sooner or later they all involve Jewel. And the ones you hide the most doggedly, are directly concerned with him. What's going on?

Were you here for the 14th? Of September?

I was.

I know you were, yeah. Did you even hear about that, Lynne?

About Xenophon? Vaguely, I learned the details naturally after that went down.

Then maybe you heard that those two are the only bloody reason I'm here .

That's... that's how it is for all of us, though, we work to protect him--

No, I mean literally. You remember that date we keep referring to? December 23rd? Apparently when that first happened in 2005, it set the stage for this violet-haired maniac to steal the show. I stepped into this world that September, behind the guise of a watery mirror and in the middle of a dream. I didn't even know him, he had no idea who the heck I was. But even then, I knew he was important to me somehow. I told him to wake up. And the past six years have been him doing just that.

...What are you?

Honestly? I don't know. Julie's in the same boat. We were both formed by that red-haired lunatic over there, the one with chaos in his heart, literally and figuratively. Whether he realized it or not, he's the reason Julie and I are even breathing right now. The other five of you are typical headvoices, if there even is such a thing. You were all brought into being more indirectly. Julie and I were pretty bloody specific. We call ourselves headvoices, sure, and for all intents and purposes we are, but we're here for different reasons than you guys are. Julie was here to be the dark, to be the driving force behind our determination, to balance his shadows. I was here to be his knight, to be the driving force carrying him through that hell, to get him balanced himself.

Do you mean 'light?'

Maybe. Ask him.

You're both things to me.

There you go.

So... you're saying he's your life in a job sense after all.

Only partly. We've discussed that.

And the other part is what you won't tell us.

Why should I?

Because honestly Laurie? I want to know. I'm sick of you being such a... a shadow, almost.

A shadow?

You're insubstantial. We can see the general idea of who you are, but that's about it. You're still mostly a mystery, and you're unreachable.

That's a pretty bloody interesting term you used though.

You were dark, back when you first met him.

I needed to be. He asked me to be. It helped. I wasn't a damned shadow.

But you never let go of that darkness you still had, not completely.

Yeah, well maybe I needed it.

To do what?

To protect him. I needed an edge to fight the demons I had to face. I still do. We're getting off topic.

Does your absolute secrecy play into that too?

Into what?

Into needing to protect him?

...It used to.

Not anymore?

I don't know.

So what's holding you back?

From what?

From telling us about yourself.

Because it's not that bloody simple. You said it yourself, everything ends up tying back into the anomaly over here.

So that is true.

Of course it's true. That's obvious.

So you expect us to deduce everything about you from what little we can see? It's not working, Laurie. You've been up here 5 years and we know almost nothing about you, not truthfully. I think it's time to change that, considering that the year itself just did.

...What the blood do you want to know.

What everything else seems to be springing from. What is it with you and Jewel.

I'm his superego, his psycho guardian angel. I protect him.

Besides that.

What 'besides that?'

Jewel brought up October 12th. You refuse to talk about it. What happened? And don't say 'stuff,' honestly Laurie.

...

Laurie, I want an answer. What is he to you.

Everything.

Really?

Yeah, really. What, you couldn't tell?

Laurie-- really, you are absolutely infuriating.

Sorry.

I can't read you. None of us can read you. Maybe those two can, but that's because you've obviously decided to open up to them and them alone. Is that only because you're 'protecting them?' Aren't you protecting us too?

...Yeah.

So, talk to us.

I am talking to you.

Not just in general. Laurie, come on, let's get to the bottom of this. All I want to know is why you keep making exceptions for Jewel and refuse to even have civil conversation on a regular basis with any of us.

Exceptions?

Yeah, obviously. Your attitude is totally different around him. All I want to know is why. Truthfully.

...You're acting like I can just give you a simple answer.

Can't you?

No.

...What can you give us?

Not much. Not much at all.

Laurie, for the love of light--

What?? What the heck do you want from me already? You want to know what that kid means to me, fine. He's everything to me. I already said that, you aren't happy with it.

I don't... I don't know what that means to you. Or why. I'm just trying to figure out who you are.

...I didn't think I could trust any of you for years. Because of that damned tar thing. I didn't want to be used, I didn't want anything about me being used against him. And it worked, it really worked, the tar still won't touch me. But I'm fragile too, Lynne. I don't ever tell anyone. But Jewel is talking about October 12th and you're all missing the point that hey, maybe Laurie isn't the stone-cold thug we all assumed she is.

That's what I'm trying to say. We don't know that side of you. Only he does.

Maybe I don't trust you with it.

Why not?

...I told you. I'm a lot more fragile than I let on.

...How?

October bloody 12th. That's it, I'm done. Jewel, let's wrap this up.

...What were we building up to?

I don't even know. You were falling apart and then the same bloody thing happened to me.

Laurie?

Yeah?

Don't close off to them, please. They care about you too.

Not as much as you do.

...

That's what this is about, really. I don't know, maybe it's my own bloody fault for being so exclusive. But I don't... I still don't trust anyone but you two, well, three with Xenophon now... but I don't trust anyone but you guys with who I really am. Even a little bit. Man that feels weird to say.

What does?

'Who I really am.' Writing's on the wall, I guess. I really am a secretive coward.

...What would allow you to trust us, Laurie?

Hurts, doesn't it?

What?

Me not trusting you as much as you'd like. I know it hurts. I'm sorry for that. But you've got to understand. I act like the knight in shining armor here, but honestly, I need someone to save me too, sometimes.

...Laurie?

That's what this whole fiasco is about, there you go. There's the big secret. The battleaxe superego guardian up here needs someone to back her up too. Laurie needs someone to run to at the end of the day and she's never had the bloody guts to admit it until now. I act like the boss but I've been pretty freakin' lonely with these trust issues I've been dealing with. No one got close. Except you, kid. Against all odds you still actually dared to get close, despite the axes I'd swing at you, despite how I swore at you, despite the blood I spat at you-- I tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, for God's sake, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?

...

You really did save me, kid. Remember what I told you, almost four years ago now? I wanted to keep you from becoming me. I didn't want you turning into a pitiless scourge, like I was to you. I didn't ever want to see you darken enough to close everyone else out, to become so bloody one-sided that as soon as I stopped swearing and tried to be nice to you, you thought something was wrong. And then I don't know how the heck it happened, maybe you just wore down my edges, but I softened up. I started trusting you, a little at first, then a heck of a lot. I legitimately cared about you and stopped trying to convince myself it was only in the bloody job description. Did I talk about this before?

Not like this.

Good, then we are breaking ground. Speaking of breaking things, where the heck did all my walls go? Did you ever realize just how many I had up? No, not you, everyone else. Jewel never sees the walls, that's how he gets so bloody far, he just keeps walking even if everything is standing in his way. He doesn't give up hope. He didn't give up on me, or Julie, or Chaos, or anyone. But he doesn't realize just how powerful that hope is. He's a spark, an agent, a guide. He's a cause . He's the only reason I started to hope at all . And I didn't realize it, but the moment that happened, I lost a wall. Just one. One of my defenses fell away. You kept doing that, Jewel, and every once in a while I'd throw them all back up. Here's an iron stronghold for you to get through, scared you half to death. But it was too late. You knew what I looked like behind all that barbed wire. I forget when you first saw that. But you did.

I think it was 2008. That was the day you... it was after my therapists made me think they were going to try and kill you. You started to get really scared but you hid it, completely. Then it got too much and you started to crack, a little, around me. And one day you got mad at me and you slapped me across the face, but then I noticed that you were actually crying, and you hugged me. And then you left without a word.

I did.

And that was the first time you ever showed that you cared, at all.

And now look at me. That was the first wall. It's gone forever. But on the 23rd, you showed me that you don't worry about walls either way. You could care less if there was a seven nation army standing in your way. You loved me. You walked straight through that palisade. You would have walked through hell to get to me, to anyone, and the fact that my name is even on that blessed list means the world to me. It does.

When was this?

The 23rd, I told you. Right after they decided they'd spent enough time up there in heaven. They were radiating love like radio towers. I didn't even think I could pick up that channel. And then you looked at me like you did on the twelfth, and I remembered what that felt like, so in fear I put up those walls, I put up every single defense I've ever had... and you walked right through the bloody things. Right through them, as if they didn't even exist. How the heck did you do that?

I don't know.

No, you don't, and that's the most beautiful thing. You just do that sort of thing, completely naturally. The most paranoid man on earth would trust you. Heck, that might even be Leon. Leon, you trust him, right?

Y-yeah.

There you go. But I'm a close second, God knows, and yet I trust you with my life. I do. That's the absolute truth. You could ask me to die for you right now and I would do it. And so help me but I'm starting to want to do that for a heck of a lot of people, and it scares me that I'm feeling this much all of a sudden, and that's exactly what you're going through right now, isn't it?

It is.

An arrow straight through the heart. Both of us, this time.

...Well, who's shooting the arrows?

Lynne's the one with the bow, but I don't know if she's responsible for the deeper symbolic aspects of this phenomenon. That might tie into Gen's native world.

...How?

Xenophon. What's her role?

How does she tie into this?

How'd she get here? What do you and Chaos have, that allowed the 23rd to happen at all?

...

Love is what you have. Entirely. Absolutely. You run on it, Jewel. I've never met anyone like you. And I love you. I actually love you. And if you asked me, right now, to match Genesis on this level business, I'd say yes. I honestly would.

...Are you serious?

I'm dead serious, and don't you start crying on me, I'm close enough to breaking myself.

I- I can't . Laurie, you just...

You essentially freakin' proposed on the 12th, remember? We were joking about that for weeks. But all our injokes are serious on some level, aren't they.

...

And no, Chaos, don't freak out, I'm still too weirded out by the other half of the 23rd.

Well, it's a start.

Yeah, it is. That enough info for you, Lynne? You got me spilling my bleeding heart out here. Congratulations.

...Laurie, I didn't know.

No, you didn't. Nobody knew. That's the point. Jewel kept telling me, open the heck up, you can't be such a stone-hearted imbecile, except in much nicer language. You can't stay closed off forever. It's only going to hurt you. And yeah, it hurts like hell. I'm sick of this self-abuse. You want to talk to me? Go right ahead. I couldn't care less about fear right now. Good riddance, seriously. I'm done. The walls are gone, happy 2012, let's start this life over for heaven's sake. I'm tired of what I've been up to this point.

I'm not.

...You saw who I was behind all this bloody steel is why. I think it's about time I actually started trying to be that person.

Don't hurt yourself, Laurie.

What, is that a legit concern?

Yeah. Don't do what Jewel does. Don't throw yourself into danger without thinking of the cost to yourself.

Buddy, I've been doing that for a few years already, haven't I?

You know what I mean. Just don't be reckless. Think of him.

Please Laurie, be careful, I don't want you suffering like I have. Ever.

...

So that's it.

What's it? I said a heck of a lot back there.

No, I... can we talk about this later?

Yeah, I'd be glad to. But now who's being secretive?

Laurie, really. It's just that we've talked enough in here. Jewel needs sleep. I'd rather continue this after the session is closed.

Works for me. That work for you, Jewel?

Sure.

The 24th going to happen now or what?

Psh, I don't know, if you thought I was fragile before you should look at me now.

I am. You don't look too good.

I think I really am going to shatter. You, and Chaos, are just absolutely lighting me up right now and I can't handle all this voltage. I'm shining fit to break.

Like I said, the 16th of January didn't turn out so bad.

That was different, and you also said that. That was different. This is a whole new year, a new chance. A lot has happened since then. This is a whole different level, Laurie.

Is it?

You saw how I reacted to Chaos last night. I can't take this.

...

Jewel, about that.

What?

...That's not something to be freaking out about. We're all sensitive to certain things.

He's afraid of breaking though.

I am. It hurts. And I just... I love him, but dear God, do you even know what that feels like?

What?

For someone to be that close to you. So deliberately and... honestly, again. Like a rainbow in a raindrop. Like blood and sunlight. Like...

Like weary eyes upon my scars, huh.

The lyrics are different, but I like that better.

Figured you would.

I can't talk about this. It feels almost blasphemous, to be discussing something that... fragile.

Hey, Darian drew it.

That's still close. That's close enough to last night, to July 7th. It's close enough.

...

Jewel?

Yeah?

Sorry I'm not going to be able to finish this conversation.

What do you mean?

I promised you guys a recap. I think it's a little too late for that.

No, Laurie, if you promised them a talk, then talk. I can wait.

You sure?

Of course. Sorry for putting you under so much stress.

It's no problem. I think I needed that. Otherwise who knows how long I would have dodged your questions?

Heh, you have a point.

So are we leaving?

You guys can leave if you want, sure.

Laurie?

Huh?

Thank you.

For what?

For protecting him, and all of us. Thank you for that.

...Well heck, I didn't expect to hear that from you. You're welcome.

Thanks for letting me live, too.

I had already killed you once, skeleton boy. It wouldn't have been fair to do it twice.

Seriously, Laurie. I didn't think I'd make it. Thank you.

Is everyone going to be thanking me now? Is this the new way to ring in the new year? Everyone smother Laurie with thank yous until she thinks she's at the bloody Academy Awards?

Well, we do have reasons to thank you.

Apparently! The heck are you thanking me for?

Not killing me.

I could have.

But you didn't.

I tried, a heck of a lot of times.

But you didn't, still.

That's nothing to thank me for.

Then I'll thank you for giving me a second chance too. For actually... forgiving me. For letting me stick around now. That means a lot to me.

...Guess it does.

Thanks.

Not sure what to say to that, but... you're welcome, I guess. Jo, you going to thank me too or what?

I'll thank you for not being more of a pain in the butt than you already are, sure.

Hey!

Just busting ya. Thanks for letting me on the team. And... trusting me as much as you did last year.

...Yeah. Almost forgot about that.

I didn't. Chill out, okay?

Sure, fine.

...

Last in line, huh. What's the deal?

Thanks for yelling at me earlier?

Really?

Yeah. Guess I needed some sense knocked into me.

Hey, I do that to Jewel all the time, it's no problem. I've gotten good at it. But things can get pretty upsetting up here, so you had every reason to be angry.

Yeah but you didn't have to help me out with it, so thanks.

Geez, everyone is acting like I went out of my way to do all this stuff.

Which is exactly why we're thanking you. You didn't, did you?

Well no, not really.

You may be shadowy and enigmatic, but you've got a good heart, and we all know that even if we don't say so. We're just worried about you.

No reason to be worried, I'll manage.

Then we just care about you, too. How's that?

...Best late Christmas present I've got so far. Thanks.

I'll see you later, Laurie. Don't keep them up late.

Yeah, yeah, I won't.

...

So.

I'm speechless.

No kidding, I'm worn out. Jewel, how much do you want to talk about?

First, let's get my daughter to bed, because it's almost 2 in the morning.

Mmmokay dad. M'just tired.

That's the point, beautiful.

Your dad's right. You need sleep.

But I'm worried 'bout you too. n'Laurie.

We've got that stuff settled out for now, kid. You're half asleep.

Mmaybe.

Yes you are. Get to bed, kid.

Mph. I think you're gonna have to take me there dad.

Want me to walk her out?

Carry her out, please, I unfortunately can't leave this channel.

Sure. Be right back.

Love you dad. You too dad. And Laurie.

We know.

We love you just as much, kid.

There is a heck of a lot of love going around here.

No kidding? Did you mean what you said to Jewel?

What part? But yeah, I was being totally honest. That rarely happens in polite and pleasant company.

The part about saying yes if he had asked you to connect with him.

...Why in heaven's name wouldn't I mean that?

Geez, Laurie, that is serious is why.

How bloody serious? I'm the only one of our four-man band who hasn't done that yet, and God knows I would if that was offered.

Why?

Weren't you listening, waterboy? It ain't in my job description, although I've apparently penciled it in. Why do you do it?

...I... But that's not the same, we--

I'm not talking about details, geez. I'm talking about the heart of it, pun intended. Deep down it's the same bloody reason. And that's the entire point.

...You seriously feel this much?

What, does that shock you? S'alright, it shocked me too. Still does. But look at my life, for heavens sakes. Better yet, look at him. Same blessed thing.

...I just... never thought about it like that.

'Cause it's a different color than yours is why. Doesn't matter. It's still love. And I've still got depths to rival yours.

...

...Which, quite honestly, is terrifying. But I'm realizing that if I don't pour that stuff out, I'll drown. And not in a good way.

Heh, yeah.

Although for me it's more water than space, apparently.

...So you'd actually... asphyxiate. Geez, that's way too applicable for you.

No kidding, man! 

All right, I'm back. What'd I miss?

Not much. That was fast.

Not much, he says. Not listening to the stage whispers, he says.

Ssh!

Yeah, I teleported her over. She is really tired, it's kind of cute. So what's up, Laurie?

The heck do you think is up? I'm an emotional mess is what.

Are you gonna be okay?

Should be. Yeah. In time, at least.

...So.

So?

Plans for tomorrow?

Putting up my calendar, for one. 

Heh, there's something.

No, really, I mean for us. Are we really going to try to accomplish what we weren't able to on the 24th?

Yeah, I'd like that, if you couldn't tell.

About that. Genesis, Jewel was talking to me about this earlier.

...

He's a little nervous about bringing you into this.

Why?

Energy mismatch? Jewel, how'd you put it?

You're a little too exuberant sometimes, love. Just a little too straightforward. I've been breakable recently. I don't want you rushing into this when I wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally.

...Well you can just tell me that, that's okay.

We can't do it like we did in 2008 or so. Not like to Ferry Corsten. Now the music's different. Now we've got Dare-Gale playing for two hours while I get completely lost in the mind and heart of a demigod.

...

All connections are different though.

I don't know if anyone's even getting close to connecting tomorrow. Point is, I said we're all doing this together. This is October 12th times two. Plus one. And Laurie can tell you, that had a very specific kind of mood.

Yeah, Laurie, what happened on the 12th? You were still kind of vague about it.

I took my bandages off. I let Jewel get close. And I completely collapsed emotionally.

Really?

Really. He's too bloody innocent, it hurts to look into eyes like that when you're hardened like this. I'm still too brutal at heart. He's a softie.

No walls at all.

Not a single one. I felt almost guilty, letting this sparkling thing look at me like he did and I was still secretly terrified. But yeah, mood-wise it was very deep. Does that count as a mood for us?

I think it does. It's not sad, not exactly, just... emotionally charged. Deep, yeah, that fits.

There you go. Piano key moods. Catastrophes and sunshine.

Not blood and sunlight?

You only get that close to Chaos, and that's what makes you shatter. No, I'm talking about rifle recoil and Coldplay. Open seas and daylight.

...

Rainbows and waterfalls, couldn't live without.

Everything is beautiful.

That's yours.

Mine hasn't been used as a title yet.

Maybe we should title this one after his?

That would be ironic, I barely did anything in this conversation.

Well, he and I have been living life together a lot more, so it could work.

Maybe. Laurie, I'm just wondering what you mean by a deep mood for tomorrow though.

Genesis, I don't know if we've had something like that in a while. We're usually stupidly optimistic, and I love that, but... when was the last time we really just calmed down and kind of just were together? Honestly?

...I don't know. There's little bits of that here and there, but... nothing big in a while.

Because that's all that happened on the 12th. Chaos and I fall into that state naturally at this point. For Laurie it was hard, she barely managed. For you, I'm sure you can hit it, but... I don't know, I feel kind of bad asking you to stop being so bright and bubbly for a while.

I can do that.

It wasn't the 'bright and bubbly' part you were worried about, Jewel. It's the fact that he's a little too straightforward for you sometimes.

Am I?

You are.

Just a little. I mean I'm not reticent, at all, but I take things slowly. Carefully. The last time I was with you you literally just jumped in. It was a little overwhelming.

I can not do that, though. It's not a problem.

To not do that?

Sure.

Geez, I was afraid you'd be offended, thank you for not freaking out on me.

Why would I be offended?

I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting my perfectionist fear. I'd start panicking that maybe I was doing something wrong.

You've got to stop listening to that programming, Jewel. There are no "rules" like that up here, remember? If following some arbitrary rule made you afraid to be honest and open, I'd tell you to break the bloody thing.

Good point.

So are we doing this thing tomorrow or what?

Depends on how much sleep I get, guys. It's 2 in the morning.

Yeah, I know, but... I kind of miss just talking like this.

I do too.

...

Chaos?

Just thinking about last night is all.

Yeah, Jewel, you fell apart.

I'm fragile, Laurie. He puts me to music, I can't deal with that sometimes. You know what that feels like.

Yeah, but God, you really fell apart. Is it really that different from a connection?

What did he do?

I let Chaos get close to me, but not in a total way. Not absolute, here let's completely freaking soulmerge kind of close, but... quiet close?

Why can't you take that from other people?

Maybe it's my fire. I can do that to other people, I do that to Chaos a lot, but as soon as the tables are turned and people are looking at me like I look at them and treating me like I'm an expensive violin I really don't know how to handle it, and I shatter inside. I feel everything.

Like an expensive violin?

We put him to music, Laurie. I think it's a fitting metaphor.

More like a harp, I was thinking, with all the heartstrings he's got.

...

True.

What were you doing though?

I don't want to talk about it, it's too freaking intimate.

I repeat, Dare drew you two being that close.

I didn't expect her to. You see how I'm reacting now. For some reason I'm not used to that.

Don't get used to it, mister Estar, that's not the point.

What is, then?

The point is you wouldn't keep bringing this up if you weren't bothered by it. Are you afraid of feeling that much from him?

I'm afraid of feeling that much from something that delicate , period.

Delicate?

Jewel, have you ever talked about that one Wednesday morning online?

...

March 2nd. Go freaking figure, actually.

...No. I tried telling Q and Mel once, but... I don't think they understood.

Is that what's making you feel so bloody guilty talking about it now?

Maybe unconsciously.

Forget that then.

I am. Judgments or even a lack thereof don't matter.

Misinterpretations do.

...Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of with everything I do now.

Don't be. It doesn't change the truth of things. Ever.

I know.

Do you believe it?

Yes.

Good. That's important.

I know.

So what happened on the second?

...I... how do you summarize that?

I don't know if you can.

You freak out when people get that close. Why? Are you afraid of being hurt or what?

No, I... maybe I just don't feel like I should be feeling that. Like it's okay if everyone else in the world can experience that. I actually used to love watching other people do things like that. Laurie, maybe that's what you do. I'm just... so inspired, so moved, by seeing love move like that between two people, so sincerely, so completely innocently.

Yeah, that sounds like what I do.

Then why don't you feel like you're allowed to feel it? That makes no sense.

It can't be gender dysphoria, because you get this reaction up here too.

No, it's not dysphoria on any level, I don't think, but... maybe it's just my misplaced guilt drive again. My family has always been very defensive and secretive, in a bad way. When I was a kid I would hide just to write my stories, just to draw. I remember even throwing out my favorite stories after I wrote them, because the thought of my parents reading them was so distressing. If someone caught me being so honest, I felt guilty, almost dirty. They made close and intimate things seem so wrong , because everyone in my family was so distant and angry and no one was ever close or sensitive to anyone else. And because that was one of the deepest parts of my nature, I always felt like I had to hide myself, to lie about myself, to deny that side of myself. Maybe that's where a lot of my current problems come from. I've never thought about it that way before.

That's why you always look for childlike innocence even in the things that hurt you.

I see it. I don't just look for it, it's there when I do it, but...

But not for anyone else.

No. And I've... I've paid in blood for that.

I know.

And now you don't have to hide that anymore, and Chaos is perfectly willing to have that with you in the most honest way I have ever seen, and you're still terrified.

I know...

Why won't you let go of it?

Of what?

The feeling like it's wrong somehow, to feel so much from someone, like that. It's not. It can't be, by virtue of what it is .

...

Listen, if you calm down, I'll calm down. I'll try not to freak the heck out tomorrow or whenever we do whatever we're doing.

Why do you freak out though?

I'm not used to feeling that much.

Neither am I.

Seriously?

Seriously.

The heck's the difference? No way that's stronger than a connection.

Different level. He hasn't worked on this level since he was a kid, and we've had shadows tearing at it for a few years now.

...

So you don't get guilt or anything when people get close to you.

Heck no, I just get terrified because my paranoia isn't gone all the way yet. I know you won't hurt me, but listen, letting anyone get that close to me is one hell of a risk. At least, that's what my instincts keep telling me, even now. And yours keep saying that letting anyone get that close to you is wrong, because why?

Because...

Remember what Josephina said. Check your facts.

It's not wrong. I thought it was when I was a kid. I didn't understand.

So now you're just scared of how much you feel.

I don't know how to explain that. It's different from the 23rd. It's a different context.

You don't have to explain it, I know how it feels.

Not exactly, Laurie.

You sure? You do remember the 12th, right?

...

I know what that feels like.

Jewel?

Yeah?

I don't have to do that if you don't want me to.

No, I... I need that, somehow? That trust, that complete candor of it. The fact that it's you , like that, with me, and I just...

Hey, I've got an idea. How 'bout we stop talking about this and you two go figure it out firsthand? Think you can deal with that?

I... maybe. I hope so. Chaos, if I start crying or something ridiculous like that, don't mind me.

Crying isn't ridiculous. It happens, and you feel enough for it to happen often. It's not a flaw, at all, ever. Get that out of your head.

...

Just because I'm a bloody statue doesn't mean you have to be one.

Laurie, you're not that expressionless.

I used to be. I had two modes, ticked off and fires of hell. That was it. Then Jewel decided he was going to write in all these new and secret modes and it took me a really long time to figure that stuff out. But the point is Jewel is still denying his emotions. You don't need to be anyone's tough guy. You're stronger than the most musclebound action hero on the planet with that heart of yours. Believe me.

...

Listen, you need sleep. Genesis, you got anything to contribute to this?

Not really. I just want to make sure Jewel is okay before I leave. I'm tired too, but he doesn't look so good.

He's a bit of an emotional shambles. He'll be okay, promise.

Laurie's right, I'll pull myself together soon enough. I just... I feel so weird not being able to reach a good conclusion on this topic. I don't know what I'm even trying to say.

You want to be close to Chaos but you're afraid you're too fragile to handle it. Sounds like the 23rd, different level, different sort of overload.

Yeah.

He kicked you into "blue fairy mode" last night, didn't he?

Really, Laurie.

He did, though, the ironic injoke has come full circle. Now you're a real man, so stop trying so hard.

Laurie, you're making me laugh over here, stop it.

No, you need to lighten up, you haven't smiled in like two bloody hours.

Well now I'm smiling, there you go.

Good. You two going to be okay?

Why, are you leaving?

No, we're all leaving at once, I don't want this going on for another five hours. I mean are you going to be okay after the session is over?

Define okay, Laurie.

Are you going to be a negative emotional mess or are you two somehow going to find a way to work this out for the best?

My money's on the latter.

Mine too. You two always seem to do that whether you're trying or not.

Which is good, because I do try too hard.

You do. Listen, Jewel. Crying, falling apart, being sensitive and all that? It's fine. Seriously. If it happens, it happens. I actually admire that you can do that. So don't beat yourself up over it or go on a guilt trip. It is fine and I don't want you suppressing that sincerity. All right?

All right.

Chaos, I am holding you responsible for getting him to at least one of those.

What? Why?

It's 2012. I want this fixed. Get him through fragility without freaking out, somehow. If he falls apart, make sure it's not into fragments.

I'll make sure, I promise you that.

I'll fall apart into... a kaleidoscope. Maybe.

No dissolving poet mode, not now, it's too late even for that. Channel it into the blue guy.

Into the blue guy?

Yeah, why the heck not?

Sounds good to me. Jewel, I'm taking her up on this offer, let's get moving.

Now you're making offers on my behalf, Laurie. Whatever will you think of next.

God only knows, kid. Hey, Genesis?

Yeah?

You don't have to be a spectator, you know.

I know, I'm just watching.

He's learning from you, be careful.

Hey, you two are legit inviting me now, I'm the one who needs to be careful!

Maybe I should stick around and just be a spectator, then.

Nope, that's it for tonight, we're closing this up. I think we're all worn out in one way or another.

That's for sure.

I do want to spend time with you guys soon. Tomorrow, hopefully. If not then Monday. But I love all of you so much. I just don't want to be a mess when it happens.

You won't be. I've got faith in you, kid. Chaos, take care of him for me.

And me, by the way. You have the night shift now.

I've always had the night shift, Gen.

No, I used to hang out with him until he fell asleep, remember? Back in the old days!

Never like this, though.

No, not like this, I did that in the mornings.

Did you?

Uh, yeah, Ferry Corsten? That was at like 7AM. Chaos, when was yours?

Like 10PM or something. It was late.

Laurie, you need to find something right in the middle there.

No way, man, that's up to Jewel and I'm not rushing a single thing. It was an acceptance in advance, I don't care if it never even bloody happens. That's not my real goal. It's the thought, and what inspired it, that counts.

Yeah, and you know how important thoughts are.

You have a point.

But no, I won't rush anything. I need to get myself stable first and I'm not ready for that either. First step is getting over this fragility freakout. Chaos, you're going to need to walk me through it. Slowly.

Slowly?

Yeah. I... I don't know, I write all this poetry about you when I'm up late, and then I actually see you like this, and all the words go out the window. Fantastic Plastic Machine.

Hm.

It's true.

I know.

...

Guys?

What?

Stop staring at each other like that before you make us two want to get involved.

Yeah, no kidding, you're making me jealous.

Of which one of us?

Haha, both of you, maybe!

We've got the weirdest relationship-shape in history going on here.

It's asexual, for one, that's weird enough.

No kidding.

Wait, does it actually go four ways?

Well, it technically doesn't unless you and I get involved, and frankly that is way too freaking weird for me right now.

Yeah, uh, no offense but that's really weird for me too.

None taken.

Wait, just us?? Not you and Chaos?

Genesis, the night of the 23rd was pretty weird.

What did you do.

I snogged her is what.

It was a dare and it was weird, man! You two were way too bloody high on love and life and I figured hey, why the heck not?

Still happened.

Yeah, whatever, that's still confidential and if you tell anyone outside of our freakish camaraderie I will gut you like a fish.

I'd like to avoid that, so my lips are sealed.

You're going to have to kiss her eventually, Genesis.

Oh shut up, CZ.

That's how it goes, bud! Once you're in the group, you're in with everybody else. No exceptions. It just happens.

I just really love everyone, like a heck of a lot, and I guess it rubs off on people?
 
No kidding, he's done that downstairs already, too.

I know. I love it.

We do need talks like this more often.

I'm all for it.

Not this late though, seriously.

Haha, no kidding! You two get out of here, I'll close this up.

I'm not staying in here alone with you after what Chaos just said!

Geez, Gen, chill the heck out, I'm not making moves on anyone.

I'm kidding.

I should've guessed.

No, we're weird enough for that to be a valid concern.

True.

Guys, we're not gone yet.

Get the heck out of here, you do have things to settle.

That we do.

Be careful with him, by the way.

I will be.

See you two in the morning.

Yeah, you too.

Good night, Jewel. You too, Chaos.

See you guys.

Well.

Well what?

Well, do you want to just close this up and avoid the awkwardness or what?

Uh, maybe? Or we can just be ironic and stand around and not do anything.

We could. But it's like 3 in the morning, this is really freakin' late.

Did you really kiss Chaos?

Technically he got me, because Jewel got me like three freaking times and then dared me to get Chaos and I thought why the heck not. I couldn't exactly argue with him at that point.

Yeah, Jewel can be very convincing.

Haha, no kidding. So how the heck is tomorrow going to go down?

Is it tomorrow?

I hope so. Tonight was insane enough to need a near-immediate followup.

Probably. You had a rough time in here.

Eh, I guess it had to happen. I'm really hoping Jewel and Chaos are okay though.

What, with the fragility?

Yeah. Jewel does break easily. It worries me sometimes.

It worries me too. But I don't get why he's breaking around Chaos.

Because of how fragile it is. You heard him earlier, it's pressure points. And Chaos knows him like a book already. Jewel has him memorized, but I've got the feeling it goes both ways even if the blue guy doesn't talk about it.

That's pretty amazing.

What?

The memorizing thing. How they're actually able to do that.

Well you've seen them, haven't you? They're all over each other in one way or another. Chaos just absolutely melts into him and vice versa.

...

What, you jealous?

No, no, just... well, maybe a little bit.

Really?

Really. I just wish I could spend more time with Jewel like that too. I got to a lot when he was in high school, but it was always just barely at that level, and then 2008 happened and I guess everyone suffered from that.

Jewel does feel kind of intimidated by you sometimes.

Why?

I guess you don't go into fragility mode like he does. Even if it's not as severe as what they're doing tonight, both he and Chaos do get awfully fragile when they get close.

Hm.

And that seems to be a sort of natural state for Jewel. Totally open, no boundaries. Apparently Chaos does keep some up still but I think Jewel just burns right through all of 'em anyway.

You said he broke straight through yours?

Not broke, walked. He acted like they weren't even there and it somehow worked.

Wow.

Wow is right, you don't know what that felt like. You hear him talking about fragility? I have never felt that completely bloody defenseless in my life. And in a good way!

How so?

Like I didn't need to have any walls up. It was scary to not have the bloody things, but it was such a huge relief to know I could trust him like that, I guess. I dunno. It's new to me.

Huh. So you're saying maybe I need to be more fragile with him.

Just be less aggressive, I guess.

I'm aggressive?

Nah, I'm aggressive, but I break easy, believe it or not. You actually seem to have a good head on your shoulders there.

What do you mean by aggressive though? What am I doing?

You're going to have to ask Jewel for specifics. He's the one that brought this up to me. I see that you're just unflinchingly determined. You want something, you go after it. You want to be with Jewel, you're focused on that. Jewel doesn't focus on that at all. It's weird. It's like he's doing something completely different, and I think the personal factor of that is what freaked me out on the 12th the most.

Personal factor?

The flipside of this fragility thing. Jewel gets obsessed with people. You know how I said he looked at me?

Yeah.

That wasn't just a compassionate look or anything like that. That was like... geez, how do I explain it? It's like... like he was seeing me for the first time or something.

Maybe he was.

...Yeah, but... every single time? He still looks at Chaos like that!

I think that's just how he works.

Yeah, well, it's bloody awesome, and I hope he never quits.

I thought you said it freaked you out!

It did! No one has ever looked at me like that! But, really, it felt kind of amazing to have someone care that much all of a sudden. Or all along, and to just realize it then. I dunno. I'm tired.

Join the club.

Guess we'd better close up then.

Guess so. Otherwise this'll go on forever.

Nah, you need to sleep, that would eventually cut it short.

You don't sleep?

Not typically.

Geez.

Maybe I'll talk to the Sandman, see if he can convince me to take a legitimate snooze every once in a while. As of now though I've got too much bloody work to do, sometimes literally.

Like what do you do at night?

Used to be security. Now it's almost like a break, if there's nothing to settle from the day before, and if there's no one I need to contact or go looking for. You've seen what Jewel's done with our headspace, right?

Yeah, it's gorgeous.

He keeps adding to it! We've got this huge deck out back now and he added a coffeeshop for nostalgia's sake. So I go wandering around this city of ours sometimes, maybe I'll even add stuff.

You can add stuff?

Limitedly. I've got headspace-warping abilities, God knows how, but they're limited to our space up here as far as I can tell. Jewel and Chaos can do whatever the heck they want wherever they want, thanks to July 7th. I don't know if Xenophon inherited any of that. I honestly hope she did, that would be awesome.

Xenophon is so cool.

Isn't she? She's a total sweetheart. I love talking to her.

Really?

Yeah, no kidding! Who do you think takes care of her now? Lynne did all the babysitting while she was still developing, but now it's me, that's my job. So when she's not chilling with you or her fathers then I get to hang out with her, and it is boss.

You'll have to invite me over next time that happens, it would be cool.

It would be. Hey, maybe we can drag Leon or Julie over or something, those two need to be more involved with our group.

Does Jewel like Leon?

He likes everybody, that's obvious at this point.

No, I'm just wondering.

He does like Leon, as a friend. I'm the only headvoice he's got a crush on. I think.

Haha.

Well hey, it's the truth.

I know, that's what makes it funny!

But really, we should've closed this conversation up way back there.

Uh-oh, don't tell Jewel about this, we're the ones always telling him to close up fast.

Well you know what I say about rules. Break the bloody things when you need to. 

Within reason?

Yeah, but up here you can do that no worries. So we can talk however long we want, it's not bothering me.

Oh, so you made this rule, and now you're breaking it.

Basically. Turns out that breaking it is the better option here. Put it back together better, y'know. 

Is Jewel still listening to that song?

He's got it on loop. Kid gets addicted to music pretty darn fast.

Wasn't he channeling it through Chaos earlier? How does he do that?

He doesn't, he just kind of pushes it in Chaos' direction and he picks up on it. They run it through each other. Those two are joined at the hip, remember.

I think they're joined at more than the hip, Laurie.

Yeah, no kidding. That link is a lot higher up, and that's where this fragility thing comes in.

You're really worried about that, aren't you?

Yeah, because I felt that on the 12th, and if Jewel gets it that bad I don't want him hurting himself.

Hm. Yeah, he does that a lot more than I'd like.

Join the club!

We can both join each other's clubs, awesome.

What was yours?

Being tired.

I think that's a good place to close up for real, though.

Yeah, no kidding. Next thing you know I'll be tired and hungry, too.

Psh, we've always got an injoke, I'm telling you.

Hurry, let's end on another one.

Well, I've heard that you're the one that started the recent sunglasses fad, so...

...Deal with it, Laurie.

That's it, Kanye shrug, I've had enough.

Works for me.

Oh, and happy new year, because why not.

That too!

2012. Man. Gonna be awesome.

Not if we don't get some sleep to start it!

Hey, you get sleep, I'll be up partying all night.

No fair!

Just kidding. I'll probably walk in on Jewel and Chaos and see what happens from there.

You've gotta teach me how to do that.

We'll work on it. As of now, this session is over.

That works for me!

Thank God, you're at least easy to work with.

Haha.

No seriously, good night.

You too, Laurie. See you tomorrow.

Inevitably.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE GENESIS APOLYMIS LYNNE STABELLE MR. SANDMAN JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE CHAOS ZERO LEON KIASI SPINE HYPOMONE



And here we are, with the long-awaited followup to our March entries.

We sure are. You got the note file open?

Not yet... all right, now I do.

Good. Because we need to go through that list one at a time, and figure out what's been solved and what's still up for discussion.

Also we need to get everyone else in here.

I'm here!! Told you I'd show up.

Haha, awesome.

I've got the whole crew with me, don't worry.

And I daresay you wanted me to participate in this conversation, child?

I sure did, with what's been happening lately.

We're missing someone important.

Who, Chaos?

Yeah. Where the heck is he? Jewel, go get him.

All right, all right, I'm here.

Seriously dude, are you okay?

...No, not really.

We did discuss this last night. You two discussed it twice. It's going to be okay.

Sure, but it still hurts like hell.

What happened?

We'll get to that. First we need to catch up on everything that's been happening since May, because that is some serious business and we haven't talked about it here yet, for inexplicable reasons.

Schedule conflicts, channeling strain and the fact that a LOT has happened in the past three months on top of all that.

True, but this is still a major issue.

It is. Let's get started, then. Our first point is--

The splinters. Let's start there.

Should we? Because I have the ego conflict listed here first.

Wait, really? All right, put that down. That does tie into this.

Okay. Back around May 5th, I think, I discovered that my biggest problem was not Julie, in a sense-- it was the fact that I was actually not the person driving all the time. My 'ego' was. I have it defined as "a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness." Which is true. It's simply a mask, a programmed set of actions and thoughts, that runs whenever I'm not explicitly in control and causes a ton of problems.

Like the incessant talking in public.

Right. And we also discovered, last night--

Don't bring that up yet, it's too early. Keep going with the old notes.

All right. Uh, everyone is paying attention to this, right?

Yes, child. I've been keeping up with the news.

How? I never see you around.

Laurie fills me in, friend.

Oh. I didn't know that.

Yeah, most of the things I'm going to list here are probably common knowledge for all of you at this point... but just in case, I'm going to reiterate them, and of course our invisible audience has no idea what these things are right now. I just wanted everyone here to catch up.

That's fine with me.

I got caught up early then.

You did! But that was because you directly tied into what we were dealing with at the time.

Jewel, keep talking. We're on a bit of a time limit here.

You're right. Okay, next bit... this is where the splinter talk starts. It deals with old theories though, Laurie.

Which ones?

The 'original consciousness' thing.

Yeah, we debunked that.

But only because of the splinter issue.

So explain that jargon already.

Okay. On May 5th, I discovered that thanks to all my mask-wearing and destructive coping methods in the past, I had developed at least three "splinter" personalities. These are not real individuals, instead being almost 'reflections' of me, but in an incomplete and very specific way. And yes, the 'ego' is technically one. Although I only became aware of them in May, we all postulated that they had 'solidified' during my January trip to the psychiatric ward. This is because, prior to that incident, the aspects that the splinters hold had been part of my personality, I guess. But both during and after the psych ward trip, those aspects disappeared from me completely, and began to only occur when my own consciousness was compromised in dangerous situations.

Back in May you didn't think they were entirely separate from you, though.

That's not entirely untrue though. They're splinters for a reason-- broken parts of me that I don't need, but that were 'me' at one point.

Were they really?

...I'm not sure, actually. They seemed to-- wait, we discussed this last night too. Geez. I'm getting very disoriented.

Let me talk then. Your first splinter is the one we call "Thanatos." It is a breakoff of your old death drive.

That's what always made me feel like I had to harm and kill myself, if I did something wrong.

Yeah, because Thanatos doesn't see the whole picture. It's selfish, and that's why it broke off. Your 'death drive' was originally a positive thing, a need to rid yourself of negative aspects in order to let better aspects take hold. But, with your mindset at the time, it quickly became corrupted and turned into a destruction drive. It started wanting to annihilate everything that didn't fit its narrow, unrealistic view of perfection.

It wanted me to have no faults, no mistakes, nothing. It didn't realize that I could learn from mistakes, and that some 'faults' weren't faults at all in the big picture. Things like that. It works blindly, really. Thanatos only manifests when I'm under extreme stress, and almost always after hacks, for obvious reasons. And when it shows up, its sole motive is to kill me and everything around me that it views as harmful or a problem.

Which is usually everything.

Yeah, it's become pretty maniacal. Also it is unable to interact with people. I tried talking to it yesterday, but... I don't know. It doesn't even seem to exist in a complete state unless its running through me.

Because its quickly losing its power. It's still connected to that lingering drive in you, kid. As long as you still hold on to that old destruction principle in some sense, it won't go away entirely.

How does he still have a 'destruction principle?'

I think that ties into my ego, again. But we'll get to that thing later. I want to talk about the second fragment first.

That one is seriously dangerous.

I know. Which is kind of scary. See, we call my second splinter 'Fragment.' It only becomes conscious if I'm in a state of extreme trauma or an emotional meltdown, and it... doesn't do anything. It literally just turns off everything, and completely unhinges. It feels nothing.

That one was definitely born from the psych ward.

...Yeah. Actually, Thanatos manifested after that because I rejected my abusive tendencies during that time, but with the awful side effects I got from my medication, I was fighting a rough battle. I honestly became so violent and frantic from my meds that, after about a week, I was spending my entire day walking around the house ranting senselessly and feeling like my head was going to explode. I was suicidal, 24/7, and I had a hairtrigger temper that would cause me to literally start destroying everything around me if it was set off. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever felt... it was like there was a raging fire in my head, all the time. It wasn't a depressive sort of suicidal drive... it was a maniacal sort. It was like, "if I don't kill myself this instant and stop all this fire and pain and rage, I am going to kill everything else." It was bad.

But once you got off the meds it went away.

Only from me. That incredibly powerful death drive is what Thanatos was born from, though. But it did go away from me completely. I don't ever feel anything like that unless it takes over, and then I'm not even driving.

How did the fragment one solidify, though?

...That one was a long time coming. In the past, when I would be in traumatic situations, I would always tell myself "it'll be over soon, just bite the bullet and wait it out." I would never fight back. I would compromise my morals and my very self because I was so terrified. That happened in Utah a few times, and with my family several times... but that one night in the psych ward was the final blow. It shattered me.

...I know what night that was.

Yeah. I won't talk about it here, but it scarred me. The ward itself forced me into a state of blind trauma for five days straight, but that night was the final nail in the coffin. Once I got out, and after I recovered from my medication, I understood with painful clarity that I could no longer do that to myself in traumatic situations. I had to fight back and get out, not freeze up and 'deal with it.' Unfortunately, since that reaction had splintered, it still takes over in times of trauma for me, and now since it is no longer me, it is twice as dangerous.

That bloody splinter doesn't feel a thing, so it doesn't comprehend pain and death and has no qualms about inflicting them on others.

It likes to tear things apart and just look at them. I have no idea where that came from, but it's scary.

Tear things apart?

Yeah. It's... kind of unsettlingly methodical. Actually, that probably ties into the trauma. It wants to learn every last detail about the things that triggered it, like I used to, so I could 'neutralize' or avoid them. But since the splinter can't feel and it doesn't understand the traumatic feelings I get from those situations, it will keep me in them just so it can study them. It's a total perversion of my old coping methods. Genesis, you know about that from my early research days.

Yeah, so that's what happened to it?

Pretty much.

Ironically that does help. The splinter just takes it way too bloody far.

...


About... about that. The last splinter is technically my ego.

The ultimate mask, huh?

Yep. I already mentioned that it's a bunch of expectations and shallow ideas strung together, but what I didn't mention was that, for most of my life, that was what I projected to the world. I was always strongly aware of a severe disconnect between 'the real me' and the 'me' I lived outwardly, at school and at home. That outward 'me' was the ego. It was crafted specifically to fit what other people wanted me to be. It was never me... but I didn't realize that until 2008, when I was forced to re-evaluate my entire life up to that point. That's when I slowly started becoming aware that my everyday actions were not conscious actions-- the person I was around others was a lie.

When the heck did it break off for good though?

It didn't, really. It still haunts me, every day, because it was so strongly enforced in the past.

No, I mean when did you clearly understand that it was not you, in any sense?

Uh, probably around late 2009? Because by 2010 there was already a mental war going on for me, in trying to finally overcome those ego drives. It's why Utah was so hard for me: I kept shuffling back and forth between myself and that old thing, because I was still unsure and scared. I was still too paranoid to stand up for myself. 2009 was a big transition year for me, but 2010 was when things really started to clarify themselves... and this year has been nonstop progress, pretty much. I almost can't believe how much I've grown in truth over the past 5 months.

It has been incredible, yeah.

You too, Laurie.

Don't forget Chaos, if you're going to point me out.

...Thanks.

Hey, it's the absolute truth, buddy. But since you're still looking absolutely miserable, I say we move on to the next topic. Jewel?

Sorry. Can I quickly clarify what that "original consciousness" thing was, though?

Sure, go ahead. We almost forgot about that.

Exactly! So, back when I first noticed the splinters, I began to wonder if Julie fit that definition, because she keeps insisting that I 'took this body from her' and everything, but remember I consciously built a framework for her to personify within when I was a child. She ended up becoming horrifically corrupted, true, but that statement made me wonder if she was a 'consciousness' before that. Then I understood that, no, I was the base consciousness, and besides me there had only been what dark qualities she had formed from... and the ego. Which she is technically tied to anyway.

Both she and the ego grew into absolute monsters in time.

They did. And their arguments against me were based on their innate self-gratification and preservation instincts, where they want what they want at any cost, and will do the same thing to survive. Back when the splinters showed up, though, I began to worry if they were right, and whether or not I'd be able to safely front without them trying to hack me. Well, we solved that now, but back then it was a huge concern, thanks to my splintering.

So basically you thought that your splinters were making it too dangerous to drive, because with them around you were hacked insanely easily.

Yep. And we figured out why that was last night.

They're all working together.

What-- all of them? I thought you said they weren't individuals?

They're not. Julie is manipulating them. Since the two main splinters work as automatic drives, Julie has learned how to bring them out, and then use either them or the ego to break through our defenses and attack Jewel while he's not consciously able to fight her. It's sick, huh?

So that's why I've been having such a hard time with this...

We all have.

Do not worry, Josephina. I believe Julie knows what she is now up against, and will not try such underhanded tactics so often.

Not after you punched her in the freakin' face, no.

I told you, Laurie, I was ticked off. That shadow truly tests my patience.

Thanks for showing up last night, again.

It was the least I could do, Jewel.

If you're going to talk about that, at least have the decency to mention what she did that reduced me to this.

We will, Chaos. We're just getting ahead of ourselves, as usual. Jewel, next topic.

Okay. So we just said how Julie is using my splinters to get at me, and how the ego, being another purely self-interested drive, effectively has the same goals as Julie in that sense. Plus the ego works with Julie's mindset because it allows itself to be freely manipulated to fit the whims of others. It has no moral code of its own. That's why I was... that's why my fragment splinter had enough trauma to work with, in order to solidify.

No bloody kidding.

That's my line, CZ. And chill out, please. We are dealing with this the best we can.

I am as chilled out as I can possibly be right now. I know we're dealing with it, but really Laurie, that hurt more than I can express.

We know. And I'm sorry, but we did what we had to and now we have to deal with the present situation.

I can't just forget what she did to him.

I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to at least accept that it was not our fault that it happened.

I didn't say it was. I'm furious with her.

And we can't do anything about how she is either. We've tried. So yeah, it was absolutely sick that she did that to you both, but no one expected it and Jewel managed to deal with it in a surprisingly effective manner, actually. He didn't let her get to him or anyone else.

I know that. It just... I don't know if I can forgive her for that.

I didn't think so, no. I think only Jewel can right now.

...Chaos, is there anything I can do?

You're doing everything you can already. I just need to deal with this myself.

Can't do that, bro. We're all in this together.

...I suppose we are.

Listen, don't let her do this to you. Yeah, it hurts like hell, but if you let it get to you this much it's just going to blind you. All right?

Is that why you aren't tearing up the walls about this?

Basically. I'm furious too-- several of us are-- but if I keep dwelling on a situation that we already solved then I won't make any progress here. Same with you. Focus on what she couldn't do, okay?

She tried.

And she failed, miserably. Listen, let's wait until we hit that actual part of the conversation to finish discussing this. Jewel, what's up next?

Just a mention of how, for a while, I was 'unable to feel emotion.' We all remember that, I'm sure.

Yes.

I'm thinking that tied into my fragment splinter, maybe? That or my ego. Because really, it boiled down to a refusal to accept what I was feeling, so I knew that there was a disconnect but I didn't know what was causing it.

We discussed that in several past entries, Jewel.

Yeah, but were we wrong? We thought it was 'emotional overload,' but geez, lately I have been proving that dead wrong. I can handle a lot. Really, I was letting Julie bother me so badly-- like you're feeling right now, Chaos-- that I was falling so far off-center I couldn't be myself. Thanatos was kicking in like it always does after hacks, and Fragment would show up when it got blinding. It took a lot of talking with you, Laurie, and some major spiritual growth before I had the guts to say "you know what, she isn't me and I'm not responsible for her actions." It took me so long to be able to admit that yes, I had made mistakes in allowing her to manipulate me in the past, but that was the past. I was no longer that person. And now that we understand how the ego was giving Julie far too many ways to get at me, I honestly cannot blame myself in any sense for that. I hadn't known what I do now. I was blinded and lost and sick, and although I am sorry that I allowed her to put me through that, I learned from every one of those losses. Once I accepted that once and for all... which actually might not have truly happened until June 29th... there was nothing blocking my catharsis anymore. I had no reason to hold myself back.

You stopped second-guessing yourself, finally.

Haha, yeah. I bet you're proud of me for that, after yelling at me to do that for years.

Psh, I sure am!

So he's really fixed that emotional block, then?

Yes ma'am.

The blue guy over there was the main reason why that happened, you know.

Well of course. I'm the most genuine when I'm with him, and you.

Plus you absolutely adore him.

I do.

And that's what every single revelation and answer we've found so far narrows down to, after all.

He loves you too, Laurie.

I know. That's my point.

Is that all you needed to do to break the cathartic block? Just... accept that?

Well we had to realize it first. Thank the Rapture that didn't happen!

Yeah, seriously, that was actually a huge help.

I got so paranoid about it maybe happening, that I spent two full weeks doing hardcore spiritual and philosophical research before the 21st hit, and... well, I learned so much that by the time that Saturday rolled around, I had no fear at all. I realized that the fearmongers were wrong, that I was on the right track after all, and that I had nothing to be afraid of.

The Light works in mysterious ways.

Heheh, it sure does. No coincidences in any case.

Also, my therapist.

Dude, yes. He has helped a heck of a lot whether he realizes it or not.

Which is funny, actually, because most of what I've learned from him came about as an aftereffect. When I got my neurology results back in June, he told me that I had the symptoms of PTSD. Now of course that's mostly thanks to Julie, but I didn't mention that. I spent a while thinking about that, though, which opened my eyes to both how my splinters were working behind the scenes and exactly why I had experienced such traumatic things at Julie's hands in the past.

Because of your ego, yet again.

Yeah, but now I at least understood just how far back that went, and exactly what it entailed. So while dealing with that, I was also trying to hold onto every bit of the peace I found in May, but it kept slipping, and that was making me very concerned too. Now this was nearing the end of June, though.

Stuff got crazy around then.

It sure did... I kept finding spiritual verifications, and then I started talking to Melody a lot, and the things she was experiencing in her life were actually starting to line up with mine. Synchronicity, you know. So that helped immensely, and we spent quite some time helping each other with that... and then after we both hit a very rough spot in our lives, we individually decided it was time to take serious action... and she got engaged. That set everything off on my end.

In short, it caused our previous entry.

And that entry caused some incredible progress.

Yeah, Laurie, you really opened my eyes there! I have to thank you for that, again, because without you helping us out I don't think we would have reached the point we did afterwards.

Hey, it's my job. But you are very welcome, Jewel. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Speaking of, uh... July 7th was a week later.

Holy heck, you did. I didn't realize it was that soon!

It was!

What was July 7th?

It was... something really significant happened, to him. Like a beginning of a new life, or a new name. I have jargon for it obvously but it's too complicated to get into now. Suffice to say, it's a total change of heart, that changes the "name" of who you are, AT that heart. But for that to happen, of course, your old self essentially has to 'die' so you can be reborn as someone totally new. The dying up here is symbolic, though. Well, most of the time at least.

It was in this case, thank God. *incidents* are another story.

Geez, yeah, tell me about it. I've been remembering those too, lately. This is definitely a new concept though. Which is... really beautiful to think about. Same core, different application. But, um, we'll get to that. Laurie you take the floor.

Heh, inevitably. Point is, Spine, in this case with Chaos and in all others-- which is news to me, really, I'll be the first to make that jab-- you don't need to die a literal bloody death in order to "start your life over again" for the better. Focusing on the blood tends to shift things towards the nihilistic, y'know? And honestly I'm sick of it. Death isn't as grim a reaper as people think. They're also the doorman to heaven. Besides, death is only a door, as we like to say. It's not the end of life. Key thing, though, is what kind of life you're headed to after that scythe swings. And that's why we're honoring this phenomenon, as we do. Sorry, kid, I'm not just taking the floor I'm stealing the whole freaking building.

No no no, you speak really well about this topic, unsurprisingly. You're tapped in to the heart of it.

Heh. I guess so.Thanks, kid, that means a lot.

I know. That's why I said it.

Yeah, no kidding, you moron. Still, I'm not used to rambling on like this.

It's all right, it is making deep sense. Do not worry.

Yeah, you're... elucidating this shockingly well.

Hey, don't underestimate me, waterboy, you and your frickin' twelve-point Scrabble words.

Look who's talking, and I never said I was. It's just... it means a lot, to hear that you... get it, after all that happened.

We'll get to that. For now let me hand the mic back over to Jewel, because the last thing we need is another frickin' blatherskite in here.

Haha, hey!

Gotta rib on ya sometime, kid. So yeah, bottom line is, death is still an angel. And we're surrounded by those, heh. Pun intended. So we've got potential doorways all over the place. Every day is a new chance at life if you see it as such. All you need is a death in principle. Mind you, it's still serious bloody business. Death can be quiet, but it's still one heck of an earthshaking event. It always is. So for your old self to 'die,' you have to hit a permanent turning point in your personal development, something so key it cannot be reversed. It's a high point that redefines your absolute foundation.

That's a really good way of putting it. Those 'high points' really are revolutionary. Mine was when I finally realized that love was at the heart of everything, on June 26th. That's when the cathartic block went away forever, Jo. Sure, the non-Rapture set the stage for it, but it wasn't until that night in June that I was able to understand everything I had learned during that time, and so much more. After that night I really found the peace I had been looking for.

And that's what happened to me on July 7th.

Yeah. We both understood everything there.

Also Chaos gained creator abilities up here, congratulations.

Wait, what??

Well he did.

I did not know that.

See, this is why I wanted everyone in here to listen! I figured there were some details that never went completely public in the headspace.

I am aware of all the details, child.

No kidding, Sandman, I told you everything.

My point exactly!

How did Chaos get creator abilities, though?

I gave them to him. It's a bit of a long story, too long to reiterate here, but that's basically it.

Link them to the journal, boy.

Haha, okay. For those of you wanting all the details, everything is in here.

So are we all caught up now?

Uh, almost. We still have yesterday to talk about.

Wait, hold up. We also have two monster girls to mention.

Oh man, yeah, we do. Should I bring them in here?

Your call, J.

Well, hm. I don't know. That might be too sudden, as I haven't spoken to either of them in ages. I'll just talk about them for a bit and then we can discuss yesterday, as that's literally the last thing on this list.

We're seriously up to speed for the past few months?

Yeah, we solved practically everything I have listed here, so there wasn't much left to talk about. It's really just the splinters, and everything surrounding them, that's still a concern.

Wow. That's... that's pretty awesome.

You know, I want to talk about you, too.

Me?

Yeah. You and Leon. Not now, but after we cover the next two points. You guys are important and you've been out of the loop for a while.

I told you why that was--

And that's what I want to discuss. But we'll get to that. Jewel, tell us about the ladies you met in May.

Sure thing. Um, on May 16th, I was on a bit of a high from the religious research I had been doing at the time, and was finally overcoming the rather misogynistic prejudices I had developed from Julie. And I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but as a result of that, I ended up browsing this Tumblr blog full of monster girls for the entire evening. Unfortunately I was up too late, and ended up being hacked by Julie around 1AM, due to being too tired to fight her and being too forgiving to realize that she was legitimately hurting me.

How does that work?

Because I was feeling so right for once, but I made the mistake of using that as justification to blind myself to any bad things that were happening. I tried to pretend there was nothing wrong with her using me, although there was. Remember this was still at least four days before I really hit a peaceful state, so I was overcoming the last of that old confusion. Either way, I made that mistake, and when I finally regained conscious awareness and understood that I had been wrong, I almost collapsed into the 'unfeeling' sort of tiredness that happens with early hacks... but then these two monster girls showed up.

Upstairs?

Yeah. There was a brown anthro canine girl, about my size and age, and an insectoid girl who looked partially cybernetic. She was brownish too, but she wasn't anthro and was about twice my size. I thought they were golems that Julie had created to mess with me, so I didn't pay attention to them until they started talking to me, telling me that I shouldn't listen to Julie and that they were there to help.

Were they walk-ins?

I don't know, probably. They resembled the monster girls I had been looking at that day, so maybe they were. Either way, they were surprisingly understanding and patient with me, and managed to calm me down enough to stabilize from the hack. They even went as far as trying to explain just why I was wrong in trying to justify Julie's actions. So of course, at this point I wanted to know who they were and just why they were helping me like this. The dog-girl introduced herself as Menchou, and the insect-girl as Veradenne. They said that they didn't like seeing me be used like this, and they wanted to help, simple as that.

But they didn't say where they came from?

No. I guess I just assumed what you did, Lynne, that they were walk-ins. Either way I didn't see them again until sometime early in June, I think after another hack. But they're unfailingly kind and amiable with me, and I really like them both. I'm going to try to find them again soon, because if they aren't stable up here I don't want them fading or losing easy access to main headspace. Plus it's weird that they only showed up those two times, to help me stabilize after hacks, and in mindspace pockets away from the main area.

They sound nice.

They are. So maybe after this discussion I'll try to bring them here, and introduce them to you guys properly. I mean, help is help, and if they could become members of our crazy camaraderie up here that would be awesome.

They'd probably pack a serious punch against our current problem, too.

Pun intended, Laurie?

Heh, sure.

But yeah, that's that. I haven't mentioned them anywhere online yet, but I'm going to post the two monster girl pictures that resemble them on my private Tumblr soon. That way I'll be reminded of them whenever I log on, too.

Speaking of reminders, it's already 6PM and we need to continue our discussion of last night.

Continue? I thought we kept putting it off?

Jewel and Chaos talked about it a bit in private earlier, during a short time gap right after the monster girl discussion. I'm glad they did, because we apparently missed one major detail about it yesterday.

Where do we start, though?

Start with the splinter thing, that you and I decided on. That's what triggered that whole mess.

Okay. Around midnight last night, I was talking to Laurie as usual before I shut down for the day when I felt that my fragment splinter was bothering me. We fought it off for a while, before it could try to manifest, but then I realized something. Oh, wait, we didn't mention that, did we?

What?

The dream hacks.

Shoot, no, I think we forgot. Explain that.

After our last session, we stopped Julie from directly hacking me, so she started using dreams. However since she still couldn't get at me directly, she started to attack dream individuals and reroute their pain through me. This happened almost every night between June 30th and July 12th, with some nights even having multiple hacks. It got incredibly traumatic, but my boss heard about it almost immediately and started taking drastic action against it. Typical nightmare blocks didn't affect her, and our previous methods of keeping her out weren't working now, as she was using others to get at me. So I don't know what you did, boss.

I tried tracking her down, first, as I cannot ban individuals from dreamscapes. However she became so brazenly cruel that I could no longer deal with her in a passive manner.

Was that when you punched her?

Yes. I would not hesitate to do so again, if she attempts to attack you now.

I don't blame you for hitting her, not after that hack...

You had some awful fallout from that one.

She was doing what she did last night, Laurie! I underestimated how depraved her methods could be. Not anymore.

Was that when she... pretended to be... you know?

Yeah. It was. It absolutely tore my heart out. And then last night happened, and now I've had it. She is done for.

Let's get back to that.

We can't yet. I didn't mention that on the 12th, my fragment splinter actually managed to stop the dream hacks by confronting Julie in its detached manner, which was a horrible gamble but it somehow worked. It... actually let her try to hack me, but as soon as she tried it chased her out and... hacked me itself.

Wait, that's what it did??

Yeah. It hacked me three times, treating the hacks as 'study tools' as it usually does, not understanding the pain and terror it was putting me through. However in 'stealing' Julie's methods, it somehow stopped her from hacking my dreams, and I haven't had one since then.

You've been in horrific bodily pain, though. Also, I am ticked that you didn't tell me that detail about it. You said that it took Julie out of the situation, but--

I know. But I left out the whole truth. I guess I lied to myself about it... I was too scared to really think about it, and that's when I started cleaning out my dA favorites, remember. That caused even more problems but at least it kept my mind off the hacks. By the way that has details in glissando, too. It's nothing we need to discuss right now.

No, we can't do anything about that now. So can we continue with last night?

Yeah. So I said that the same fragment splinter was bothering me, but I realized there was a problem. Fragment has never done that before, and it shouldn't. Its sole forming purpose was to deal with traumatic incidents, although it did so wrongly. That's when I understood why it was bothering me-- it wanted to hack me again, for its insane unfeeling research.

You didn't tell me that either! The heck, Jewel?

I couldn't tell you, or you wouldn't have let me do what I did next. I told Laurie that it was bothering me, sure, but I didn't say how. I simply said that I wanted to try confronting it. I wanted to try and get it to stop using me, to show it that it had no reason to learn Julie's methods. I also tried confronting Thanatos then, but like I said earlier, it wasn't even approachable in a vague sense.

Obviously I had left by this time.

Yeah. You said to call you if anything happened, and I said I would. However I needed to take a risk then, for what I was trying to accomplish. I continued to try and reason with the fragment splinter, explaining that Julie was using me for selfish purposes and that emulating her was only hurting me, but it wasn't listening. I guess I should have expected that, with how it completely shuts out the world when it manifests. Anyway, my plan was working. In getting my fragment splinter focused on that, it caught Julie's attention. And she showed up.

Did she... hack you?

She tried. But that was my plan, which is why I couldn't tell Laurie. I just... didn't expect her to do what she did. I don't know if I want to talk about it, because--

She tried to be me.

...

That bitch.

It was awful, because I knew she was lying to my face, but I had to play along in order to do what I needed to. However I repeatedly asked her to explain herself, but she kept falling back on her usual shallow excuses. No matter how I tried to reason with her she wouldn't talk to me. So I gave up. Still playing along, I asked her if she loved me, but she wouldn't look at me or answer. I told her then that I knew who she really was, and what she was doing, and that she could not fool me or anyone else anymore. That's when I revealed that I had tricked her too-- my fragment splinter had taken the hack instead of me.

How did you pull that off?

The thing takes over my consciousness whenever it shows up. It was pretty easy to give it a temporary headspace form in my place for the time being. Don't worry, I dismantled that afterwards, and since that scenario allowed me to completely explain what Julie was doing, it has no reason to try and use me to 'find out' again. If it tries, well, then we'll take action against it.

Did Thanatos show up?

It tried, but since I hadn't allowed Julie to hack me, I convinced it that it had no reason to show up. So it went away.

Thank God, because we had better things to worry about then.

Yeah, I called you back in, and I think a few of you showed up too?

I did, but you didn't explain the situation then.

I showed up really late...

Which is why you're here now. Still, we're skipping the most important part of this topic, and that is what Julie was trying to pull with what she did.

She hasn't pretended to be someone else in over a year, since I quickly learned to see through her lies. However, when the dream hacks restarted this month, she got me twice by that method, and since I can't fight her in dreams she got away with it. But it was horrible, because her doing that was not solely to get what she wanted through me-- it was to get revenge on me for stopping her, and to try and undermine what I felt for the people she was pretending to be.

She took that even further yesterday, though, because you were conscious when she tried it.

It was because of the 29th. She was trying to undermine that.

She can't. It's impossible.

But the fact that she tried, that she had the nerve to disguise as me in face alone and use you like that is beyond forgiveness.

Jewel, elaborate on her motives, though. You had some seriously important insight into that.

I did, yeah. Um... she tried to justify herself with the same reasons I get from everyone else when that subject is concerned. You know, "it feels good," "it's fun," stupid things like that. My teachers, parents and therapists all said that too, but hearing it from her, and my actually having the guts to ask her to explain that made me realize the truth of it. It's inherently selfish. There is nothing loving about it by its very definition. And that's why she lives on it. See, I asked her why, if I loved someone, I would choose to do that with them? She used the 'physical connection' nonsense there, and I interrupted her by saying that no, there was no connection and I could see that now. It was a selfish act for selfish reasons. If the physical sensation was not there for her, she wouldn't do it because she would get nothing from it! So I shot down all her arguments, berated her for even trying to sabotage my relationships, and then told her to get the heck out of my head. So she left and my splinters left and that's when I called Laurie in.

And I called Chaos in, and he had an immediate emotional meltdown.

Did you seriously expect anything else from me at that point?

No. It just hurt, like you said.

I think the most damaging part was that she was effectively trying to derail what we had accomplished on the 29th. We took her power away from her and then got rid of it ourselves. So she was ticked, and decided that if she was going to get revenge on me, that was the cruelest way to do it.

Also because she was trying to see if she could confuse you, remember?

Oh, dude, yeah, I forgot to mention that! She used to confuse me by doing that when I was younger and didn't know better, but now that I did, she had the nerve to gamble with it by trying to desecrate what we had purified all over again. I was too smart for her though.

Thank God, seriously.

I also want to mention the physical connection thing, and why she was wrong. I actually realized that when talking to my therapist that morning, so I'm glad I had that knowledge to fall back on. See, I don't experience sexual attraction whatsoever, but I have no problem with being very close to people physically, in either a platonic or more intimate sense. But it is never sexual, and that's what Julie was trying to twist. The real 'physical connection' is in trusting someone enough to let them get close to you, which is what I would focus on when I was younger. I never realized that Julie was abusing that. I was too confused by the fact that it still involved physical closeness to understand that I was being lied to. Sexuality is superfluous in that sense. It is not needed for any sort of connection. Its sole purpose is for reproduction, and in that sense it can be used positively, don't get me wrong... but people like Julie get so obsessed with the selfish aspects of it that they try to use those as justification for abusing it, and others if that's the case. It is with her. So I finally understand that, and now I'm no longer confused on any level concerning that topic.

I think you effectively purified your color in doing that, too.

Yeah! Like I said, it kept getting associated with Julie's vices, but then I realized that didn't make much sense, because physicality in and of itself isn't bad. So I stopped feeling guilty about wanting to be close to people all the time, because that has nothing to do with her after all. She was just lying to me the whole time.

I get it.

Chaos, do you have anything to add to this? Because I still feel horrible about what she did, and I don't want to leave you out of this discussion in any case.

No, I'm just so thankful you weren't damaged from that.

Well I was just as badly hurt emotionally as you were, but...

I mean you didn't let her blind you to the truth. I... that has happened before.

That one Sunday evening in January, right?

...Yeah.

That won't ever happen again, Chaos. I swear to you.

I know it won't. I just doubt I'll ever be able to forget how terrifying that was, for both of us.

...

Laurie, are we done discussing this?

I guess so. Jewel?

Yeah, I think we covered as much as we could, except--

We'll get to that.

I thought you said you were trying to open up, Laurie?

I am. I just... don't know if I want to discuss that openly yet.

Hey, you have to start somewhere.

Fine. Jo, let me yell at you first.

Why are you yelling at me now?

Because you're never around. I know you and Leon have been focusing on keeping guard, and I do seriously appreciate that. But the fact of the matter is that you don't know what's going on here while you're out there. You don't have the whole picture.

I told you, I'm going to try to associate with you more. We all are.

Good. We are far too bloody disconnected, and it's keeping us from accomplishing things on a larger scale. We need to keep up the communication or there will be a heavy price to pay, believe me.

Should we just check in with you?

Me or Jewel, yeah. The same thing goes for you, Lynne. I know you're busy watching over Spine and that monster kid, but I'm concerned about them too and the lack of info is starting to get at my nerves.

I apologize for that, Laurie, but we have been busy. You haven't had the time to talk to us yourself lately, remember.

I'm not denying that. Life's been insane lately. My point is that, now that things have settled down and we know what the heck we're doing, we all need to keep it together. Genesis, you too. You need to stick around us three more often, all right?

I don't want to get in your way though.

You won't get in anyone's way, love. I miss having you around.

Yeah, for all we know you could be exactly what we need right now.

Okay, I'll try.

Good. Chaos, if he's not around you go get him.

Hah, if you say so.

Really, I think you're the only person I can't yell at, Sandman.

I am quite flattered.

I'm serious. You've been keeping tabs on everything that's been going on here lately.

Because I am deeply concerned. Jewel is my apprentice, after all. His well-being is near the top of my list of priorities, and that is quite an extensive list.

Well, it's at the very top of mine, so there you go. And Jo, you're practically my apprentice, so stick around for employment's sake. Just because you're the id reaper doesn't mean you have to live in the shadows all the time.

I know, I know.

Last comment. Leon, I must applaud you for overcoming your paranoia. Good job.

Thanks. It was really difficult, actually, but Josephina has been helping me.

So you'd better thank me, Laurie.

Fine, consider yourself thanked. I sure wouldn't have been able to accomplish that.

Laurie, you haven't yelled at me either.

Well what do you know, you're right. And you need to check in with us more often too. You're linked to Jewel's well-being whether you like it or not. Heck, with the allergic reactions he's been having I was freaking out because I hadn't heard a word from you about a single one!

Because I was very sick.

She was. I'm sorry I didn't check in with you, Laurie, but I had my hands full with caring for her and you were probably doing the same for Jewel.

Eh, point taken.

So, everyone just talk to each other more and Laurie won't have to butcher us?

Exactly. You always did learn fast, Jo.

Ha ha.

Is that it for today?

No, we promised Laurie we were discussing her fangirling today too.

Oh come on, Chaos.

A promise is a promise, and besides, it's about time we bugged you for once.

Fine.

July 8th, too. Remember we were talking to you.

Wait, we're discussing that?

Yes.

Oh come on!

Laurie, why are you so afraid of talking about that with the rest of us here?

Because... it's kind of personal. I'm not used to talking about personal things with anyone but those two.

Like I said, you need to start somewhere.

All right, all right. Geez.

Go on, then.

Give me a place to start.

I've got one. Why do you 'fangirl' over those two so much?

I... they mean a lot to me, okay? Both of them do. But up until... geez, was it February?

January.

Geez, that's earlier than I thought. Anyway, until January of this year, I wasn't aware of just what those two had. Yeah, I knew they were in love, but I didn't know what that meant until I saw it. And, well, I've never seen anything like that before. Ever.

So... you're into romance?

Heck, no. I'm just floored by the fact that something like that can exist between two people. I mean, for the love of sanity, have you seen those two?

Yes.

I do believe it's impossible not to, Laurie.

Fine, so you get what I mean.

But why is only Laurie the fangirl?

I told you, because they both mean the world to me.

I'm still not sure if I get it.

Should we bring up July 8th?

Jewel, seriously.

I think you should. Do you want me to quote what I have?

No, I'll just... I'll explain that. Look, all of us up here have jobs. We all have our own responsibilities in keeping this headspace safe and making sure nothing tries to kill Jewel, as he's the base consciousness. But... it goes beyond that for me. I'm the superego up here. My sole reason for even existing is to fight that bloody id, and to keep her the heck away from Jewel.

How does that apply to our topic though?

Because it narrows down. Jewel is my reason for existing. And by extension of what he means to him, Chaos gets the same amount of loyalty from me. So here's the single person I'd give my life for, and he's in love with this guy who in turn becomes someone I'll protect at any cost. It adds up. I'm their psycho guardian angel, remember? I have to protect that, what they have, and I wouldn't ever dream of shirking that responsibility.

I guess that makes sense, yeah.

Come on, Leon. Do you want a scientific analysis? I can't spell that out any further.

No, I get it! I'm just not in your position, so I can't understand it all the way, I guess.

Fair enough. Now are we done? Can we empty this place out?

I suppose. I don't have anything else to contribute.

Oh, Jewel, I should mention that your little monster is doing very well.

Is he? Thank God. I haven't seen him in a while.

I know. I feel bad for not letting him out of my sight even to let him be with you, but with the hack risks you've been facing lately, I didn't want to put him in danger.

That's okay. As long as he's safe. I remember what happened the last time he was out...

Mm-hmm. But you're entirely welcome to come see him.

Where is he now, by the way? We're all in here talking.

I have some J-Monsters watching over him. That is his timeline, after all.

Who'd you get? The Guardians?

That one with the funny head, that you like.

Who, Nebsy? Seriously?

Does he have white eyes?

Yes, that's him. Dude. I am totally going to visit him later. I've been out of the loop with the Dream World lately, now that you mention it...

Because of everything that's been going on up here. I'm sure they understand, Jewel.

Yeah, but I feel bad about it either way.

Also Delphi.

What about the phone goat?

You've been working with him lately too. And me.

True... I don't know, I just need to get over my guilt about work. I can only work with one timeline at a time, and Parnassus has understandably been at the top of my list lately.

So explain that to... I'm sorry, what's his name? Nebs?

Nebisai. He's awesome. But yeah, I'll let him know, I suppose. Just for the sake of an explanation.

Okay, now we're just talking. Seriously, it's getting late. If no one else has any serious topics, can we please close up?

There's no need to get all agitated over it, Laurie.

I've been very agitated lately. It's nothing.

Well, I'm done talking, and Josephina said he was fine... Leon, do you have any comments?

No, I'm fine.

I am fine too. I will make sure to talk to you more.

Thanks.

Boss?

If you do not need me around, I can depart.

No, we're good. Just want to say thanks again for all your help.

You are quite welcome. Thank you for allowing me to help. And Jewel, child?

Yes?

Please make an effort to get to work on time tonight.

Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'll be there as soon as possible.

Don't worry, I'm not upset with you. Only concerned.

Yeah, with good reason.

Okay. Thanks, boss. I'll see you around.

Laurie, you're sure you're okay?

Yeah, everything's fine. You just keep an eye on everyone until I'm finished here.

I had a feeling you were staying late. Are you really that nervous about talking to the rest of us about certain things?

...Kind of. Not you, specifically. You're okay.

Probably because I know you better than the other three of us do.

That's the thing. I guess I have trust issues.

Why? There's no reason why you shouldn't trust us.

I'm just paranoid. It's... it's a long story, Lynne. I'll fill you in later.

You promise?

Promise. I'm sick of being bottled up all the time.

I would be too, Laurie. I'll leave you four alone then.

Four?

Um, I'm still here.

You did ask him to stick around.

I know, but...

Do you want me to leave?

She probably does, but only because you haven't been around the past few times she's spoken to Chaos and I.

But we were supposed to change that?

Listen, Genesis, we'll start tomorrow. Right now I need to talk alone. It's nothing against you.

Okay, but tell me about it later, please?

...

I'll fill you in in whatever I can, love. So, uh, could you actually go see how Nebisai is doing in the meantime? Fill him in on what we've been talking about here if he's interested. Heaven knows I could use some better solidarity with that man.

All right. You'll talk to me right after you're done here?

If Laurie says I can, yeah.

I'll talk to him.

Really?

Yeah. You and me, actually. I guess. I just... don't want to discuss that all at once, right now.

So it'll be easier for you later, once you know what you want to say.

You got it.

Okay, that's fine with me. Sorry for causing any trouble.

No trouble at all, Genesis.

Hey, I love you. See you in a bit.

Love you too! Bye!

...

Well.

What?

That was strangely diffident of you.

I told you I'm not ready to open up to people yet. It's not easy.

No, it's not that. You're really worked up about it.

Because it's setting all my nerves on edge! You heard me talking to Lynne, I don't know them anywhere near as well as I know you two. I've said that many times before. So yeah, I'm going to get worked up about having to discuss this sort of thing with them on such short notice!

Why is it such a touchy topic, though?

Because I love you two, you know that.

That's nothing to get all agitated over though.

You haven't lived my life, Chaos. I haven't been able to open up to anyone, ever, even you two, because that would pose such a risk to Jewel's safety. Once again, we discussed this.

I know that. It's not what I meant.

Then what the heck are you insinuating?

Nothing. I'm just wondering why you won't even try to be more open with them--

I can't. I just said that.

You said you were going to try, though.

With you. With the both of you, not with them. It's not easy for me to get close to people, okay? Yeah, it would help if I wasn't so bloody secretive and distant with everyone, but it's how I am. The only reason I can be so honest with you two is because I had to get close to you even when I hated you, Jewel, because protecting you was my job whether I liked it or not... and eventually I learned that I had things backwards, and you grew on me, I guess.

So you're choosing not to get close to the other headvoices.

Right now, yeah. They're not around, I'm busy with the both of you, and like I said, I'm not very good at the whole social thing.

You seem fine when business is involved. I mean, look at you and the Sandman. You're getting along pretty darn well.

Because he cares about Jewel almost as much as I do.

Wait, are you saying I'm the deciding factor for your trust here?

Maybe. And what if you were? What would that matter?

Because the other headvoices here do care about him, you know--

But they're so bloody distant, Chaos! Every last one of them either works behind the scenes or as a casual assistant when things get bad. No one gets close, because they don't need to.

Would you have tried to know Jewel better if you hadn't been forced to in the first place?

...I don't know. That's not something I can even comprehend. That was my purpose, CZ.

I'm just trying to get you to understand how it probably works for everyone else. Maybe they don't feel compelled to get as involved as you are. That doesn't mean they don't care.

Maybe if we start communicating more, like Laurie said, that will change. We don't typically work together and that is a problem.

I hope it changes. It would help me to stop being so freaking paranoid.

Paranoid about Julie?

No, about talking to people who don't bloody understand the gravity of what I'm telling them. Why the heck did you think I snapped at Leon? "I guess that makes sense!" Come on, he might be trying but he's not going to comprehend it unless he's felt something like this and he hasn't. It ticks me off.

I don't think it's anger you're feeling the most right now, Laurie.

...How the heck would you know.

We know you pretty well by now, Laurie. Just like you know us.

...

You never did bring up June 8th, I noticed.

Of course I didn't. They wouldn't understand a word of that.

What about last night?

...No, I'm not discussing anything like that with them.

Ever?

Ever.

That's a little... severe, isn't it?

Quite the opposite. Look at it this way. Say I did open up to the other headvoices, told them everything I could. Even then, I still would not discuss that sort of thing with them. Do you know why?

No, why?

Because they have never, and will never, experience the sort of things we three have been through. The old hacks, the graves, the suicide attempts. Staying up too bloody late because everything felt so bloody hopeless but we still couldn't give up on each other. July 8th. That sort of thing. We've suffered through hell together and I don't care how much I talk about it, you cannot understand that unless you have lived it. And we did, God help us, we lived through more of that than we could handle sometimes.

...

Why did you want to stay and talk to us, Laurie? Was it just to explain this?

No, Chaos put me up to this. I stayed because we didn't finish discussing last night, and you know it.

...Oh.

That's exactly why I kept asking you about being more open.

And I repeat, that only applies to you two. I just told you why.

I know that now, yeah.

So... you're really going to be more... I don't know, what word am I looking for?

It's less. I'll be less secretive and less of a bloody enigma all the time.

And a heck of a lot more expressive, I think.

Hey, you shut up.

Geez, Laurie, I have every right to talk!

You were sobbing your eyes out and that was only going to get worse. If I didn't talk to you, Jewel would have sooner or later.

Laurie, you won't even sit next to me in these conversations. Yesterday your personal space just went out the window.

We were all pretty shaken up, Chaos. And the only reason I've kept to myself all these years is because of how scared I've been. I'm getting over that.

Scared of what, though?

Of letting my actions being possibly manipulated by the same shadow that hurt you so badly last night.

...

Seriously, Chaos. Up to this point I have had no reason to feel any less terrified. She was still able to hurt you both, badly, and the thought that she could potentially use me to accomplish that was unbearable. But last night, Jewel somehow threw her methods back in her face and told her off about it. That has never happened before, in any sense.

Because I understand everything now. I know what I'm dealing with, I know what her motives are, and I know what the truth is. I'm not scared and I'm not going to let her get away with anything anymore.

That's what I mean. If you're not scared, why the heck should I be scared? If she can barely even get near you anymore, why should I be worried about her coming after me? Come on, she is scared to death of me and we all know it!

But you were still afraid of her pretending to be you.

And she did try that once, remember? It failed, you knew what she was doing, and I cut her to bloody pieces as soon as I heard.

You were still scared though.

For your sake. I knew how badly that hurt you. I still can't stand the thought of her using me against you.

She can't now, though.

Exactly.

Which is why I was the one staring in absolute shock last night instead of you.

Hey, I don't stare at you two in shock, that's admiration.

Well for me it was shock. Seriously Laurie, wow.

What? So I was more affectionate than usual. Big deal.

It was a big deal. For me, at least.

That's kind of why I did it, kid. I figured you needed it.

Laurie, for the next fifteen minutes I swear he was on cloud nine.

Yeah, and?

Usually I am the only person who can do that to him. So yeah, it was a shock.

I love you both, though. You know that.

Different levels though.

Could've fooled me, with how he acts whenever you're around.

And you're honestly surprised by that?

You're not?

Not at all. I know how Jewel works. I know him almost as well as you do. When he loves someone, regardless of what level they're on, it can get pretty intense.

Yeah, but I think you're underestimating just what level you're on.

Why? Do you know something I don't?

All I know is that if you and I are really at equal standing in Jewel's eyes, then I've definitely been underestimating just what you mean to him.

You are at equal standing. I can't imagine my life without either of you, at all. You both mean the world to me.

I know. You tell me that all the time.

But you've never reacted to her like you did last night, Jewel. That was insane and you know it.

Because she's never done that before! Laurie, you know that, you've never gotten that close to me, ever. And that really meant a lot to me.

Why are we still debating this, though?

I'm trying to figure out just what happened there. Yeah, Laurie, you're being more open around him but I honestly don't know how to judge how he reacted to that, and why you don't seem to be concerned about it.

All right, how did he react to that? Besides being on cloud nine, apparently?

Laurie, he didn't even know how to explain how he felt about that, to me.

Well we are at equal standing, sharkboy. You're freaking out too much about this.

I'm not freaking out. I'm just honestly in shock.

I'm not surprised. Now are you done? Because I'll probably pull that stunt again tonight, and I'll make sure to watch your reaction this time.

It was a red-level connection.

What?

Physical level. You don't ever get close to me or anyone else, Laurie. I'm always close to Chaos, and we've got like violet-level links already.

No kidding.

Really, we're heading to ultraviolet at this point. But that's because we hold nothing back. I love him that much. I would, and will, give him everything I possibly can, because he is just that important to me. I adore him, like you said. No one in the world makes me feel the way he does.

Except maybe Laurie.

That's a different category.

All right, now I am definitely missing something here.

I told you, it's because you've been so closed off all the time. I've known you for five years, and although you mean just as much to me as Chaos does, I've never been able to do anything but talk to you. And of course we weren't even friends at first. We had a pretty rocky start there. But, over the past three years, we've really become inseparable. And since... last November, I guess, you've suddenly started making more progress than I ever could have imagined.

We all have.

Yeah, but in light of your past, it was pretty surprising. Positively so, but still.

...Jewel, do you even know why I hated you in the beginning?

I'm not sure. Remind me.

Because I had a job to do. I had to stop Julie, and I had to protect you as the central consciousness. But in my eyes, you were letting her get away with what she did. You looked like you weren't fighting her at all. And I hated you for it. I berated you constantly, always telling you how much of a failure you supposedly were, because all I could see were your mistakes and shortcomings. I didn't know you. Then... you had the guts to talk to me. You pulled me aside and said you wanted to set the record straight. If I really am such a failure, you said, and if you're so mad at me for it, you'll help me to change. And I began to realize that you were never a failure in the first place. You were a stronger person than I ever would have guessed. I stopped hating you pretty fast.

...

I care about you a heck of a lot. Chaos may be your number one guy, but you're that to me. Honestly. I don't care if we're on different "levels," or however you put it. You're all I have.

See, this is what I mean.

What? I'm not trying to steal your man, CZ.

I know that, geez Laurie.

Hahaha.

Hey, he'd share anyway.

That's what I'm getting at. You know how Jewel is talking about connection colors and all that?

Yeah.

Let me finish talking about that, actually. I was saying how I've never really been close to you, Laurie, not really. We hang around and talk but that's it. And it's only been over the past few months that you've actually started showing that you care about me in ways other than words, which were still always indirect. I mean, you hugged me once back in 2008, when we thought I would lose you, and I couldn't believe it had even happened. Now you're doing that every few days.

I told you, I was sick of keeping to myself.

But just how long have you been bottling everything up?

...A long time.

That probably hurts a lot.

It does. It's... why last year was so hard for me.

Especially the summer?

Yeah.

Don't forget that therapy appointment back in his college freshman year.

I can't forget that, no. That... that was when I first realized you weren't a problem. Everyone told me you were. But then I thought about it, and even though you were still so cruel to me back then, I couldn't possibly lose you.

That was late 2008, too. I guess you both started being more honest with each other around then.

Well, yeah. It's when we realized exactly what was going on.

But Laurie still kept quiet.

Can we not discuss that again? I told you why that was.

You're missing the point, Laur. You cared about Jewel, and he cared about you, but there was always a huge disconnect between you both. It's why it took me so long to accept that you weren't a negative force in his life, too. But... geez, I've known him for eight years, and I've always been completely open with him. You've only been outwardly nice to him for about three years, you've been almost entirely closed off to him, and yet we are STILL the two most important people in his life. We mean exactly the same amount to him. How the heck did you manage that?

...I... I don't know.

And I was in complete shock last night because, like Jewel said, that was practically the first time you actually held him for more than two seconds. I could actually tell that he meant something to you instead of going by hearsay. And then, to top it all off, Jewel was so affected by it that he could barely talk for the next ten minutes! Do you see why I'm having a hard time dealing with this? If you and I really are at the same level, and I mean as much as I do to him, just how does that translate over to how he feels about you?

...

I think you know. I don't, but I think you do. And I think that's the real reason why you won't talk about this with anyone but us.

Well it is. They don't know what this is like.

But you love him back.

I do.

And he loves you. He loves you a lot, Laurie.

I know.

Do you really?

...

Did you see how he looked at you when you left?

...No.

Well, make sure you check next time.

...Are you implying that Jewel is in love with me?

I don't know.

Platonically.

Kid, I don't know what your definition of platonic is in this situation.

It means without all the late-night stuff I have with Chaos.

Only that?

Only that. Otherwise it's exactly the same. I told you.

...

Laurie?

...I didn't think it was exact. Not like that.

I guess it is.

Just... holy swords. I just thought... I thought it was only in terms of significance, not in how you actually felt.

It is, but yeah, I suppose I should have clarified the other half of it.

You should have, I wouldn't have been so astounded yesterday.

...I don't know how to reciprocate this.

You don't have to. I'm used to that. It doesn't change anything.

No, kid, it's not unrequited, I'm just... 

I told you this ran deeper than you realized, Laurie.

...I've been so blind.

Why?

For heaven's sake, Jewel, I tried to kill myself right in front of you last year! I had a psychotic meltdown in Utah and nearly traumatized you! I only had the spine to lighten up after I put you through hell, and God, you didn't even hold it against me. You've never held anything against me, and I hated you. I hated you, and somehow you still managed to love me? I... kid, I can't take this. I can't believe I never saw it.

...

We can talk about this some other time if you want. I don't want to put you through--

No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

You don't look fine, Laurie.

Of course I don't look fine, I think my bleeding heart just broke.

...

I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry for everything I've done to you.

Laurie, it's okay. You did what you had to do.

I could have found a better way to do it! I didn't have to butcher you every single time you let yourself get hurt! I never thought of how that affected you. I was so bloody stupid.

You weren't stupid. You were desperate. Things were different back then.

Last summer doesn't count. I didn't hate you last summer. But I still hurt you. Badly. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that now.

I forgive you.

...I know. I know, Jewel.

Laurie, um, can I ask you something?

What?

Does... does this tie into the 'fangirling?' Any of this?

...Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Why?

Because.

Laurie, come on.

...Do you remember what I said earlier? How I didn't think something like what you two have could exist? I could barely comprehend it. I had never seen anything like that in my life. I wanted to protect that, to protect the both of you, and I was... I was just so amazed by it.

But on July 8th, you told us that you didn't think you had the right to be our protector. Why?

Because I didn't feel I deserved it! Look at you two, and look at me! My life is a mess! I've screwed up my only reason for living and I've been too much of a spineless coward to tell people when I care about them. I would cut you to ribbons and scream at you for hours instead of actually helping you. And yet, I was the person charged with keeping you both safe.

You didn't screw up, Laurie. And you did help me.

...

I couldn't have asked for a better superego, or protector, or friend. Even with the times you think you screwed up. You've helped me so much... I would not be where I am today if I didn't have you. So yes, you do deserve such a prestigious position, because you are just that important to me, and because you are a much better person than you think you are.

...Jewel, I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that you care about me that much.

I don't just care about you, Laurie. I love you. I really do.

...I'm sorry, I am honestly going to have to close this up.

Why?

I can't deal with this, Chaos.

Laurie, what's making it so hard to deal with? You've known how much you mean to Jewel for a long time, haven't you?

I thought I knew! But he just proved me wrong. I always assumed I was just someone he cared about from a distance. I was important to him because heck, I was trying to help him and I guess I wasn't a total screwup there. That was it. Not once in my life did I ever consider that, when he said you and I meant the same to him, he meant that literally. I thought... I just thought it was in terms of significance. I helped him, I was important as a result. But it was my job. It was something I was meant to do. I never gave it much thought beyond that.

I find that hard to believe.

It's true. I wouldn't change my purpose for anything. And Jewel means more to me than anyone in the world. But... I was so closed off, from everything, that I couldn't see the big picture. I knew he cared, and I knew I was important to him, but... to think that I had the same thing I saw on January 16th, this whole time. The same bloody thing. And I couldn't see it because I wouldn't let myself see it. At the end of the day, I was just doing my job. But my job was my life. I... I don't know what I'm trying to say.

It's okay, Laurie. I get it.

Can we please close this up?

Seriously?

Either that or I'm leaving.

I thought you wanted to find your metainomen too.

What, does this count as dying?

To your old mindset, sure.

...

I don't want you hurting from this, Laur.

I'm only hurting because I was so blind before.

To what, me?

Yeah. And to me, I guess.

Because of the blinding thing?

Mostly. Maybe entirely. I just can't... I can't balance how you actually feel about me with how I treated you in the past. It doesn't add up.

Why not?

Jewel, I was brutal.

But I knew you still cared about me.

I did a lousy job of showing it.

Laurie, listen. I don't mind your yelling, or how angry you get, or even how you used to use your axe a little more than most people would like. You were brutal, sure, but you were brutally honest too, and it was only because of your unflinching determination to change me from who I was that helped me actually become my real self.

You're serious?

Of course I'm serious! I wouldn't lie to you!

You used to.

I... well, I am no longer that person. Once again, that is very much thanks to you. So no, I will not lie to you. You have always been exactly what I needed in my life, your darkest days included. So don't you dare hold that against yourself. You're not a failure, and you never were.

...

Don't you dare change for me. Ever. Stay who you are, because your constancy has been one of my biggest inspirations.

You don't know who I am, Jewel. No one does.

Then tell me. Stop hiding. I know you're not wearing a mask like I used to, and you never have, but if there really is that much under the surface, then stop holding it back. Neither of us have to be afraid anymore, okay?

I know.

Remember what you've always told me, Laurie. Don't dwell on the past, but learn from it. Don't let yourself be blinded by regrets, because what's done is done and everything eventually works out for the best. And don't panic about the future because it's not here yet, and hey, time isn't linear anyway.

Heh, no, I guess not.

But seriously. The past is over with, and it was painful, but you helped me survive it. I hope I helped you survive it too. And I don't want you to hate yourself for your past actions. Everything worked out. I wouldn't change a single thing. All right?

All right.

So are you feeling any better about this? I don't want you to be so torn up, honestly.

I still don't know how I never understood just how important I really was to you.

You never slacked off on your job, did you? You never let me slack off either. You knew how important your role was in my life, even if you only viewed that as because, without you, I'd probably screw up big time. Which is true.

But I didn't see past that. Even with how many times you told me that you cared. I guess I never thought I deserved it.

Well you do. So please accept that. I'm not going to stop caring about you, ever.

I know that. I wouldn't doubt it for a second.

So I'll ask you again, Laurie. Are you okay?

Kid, of course I'm okay, I'm just completely... overwhelmed, I guess.

I understand.

So what are you, Laurie, the Knight of Truth?

I don't know, Prophet of Life. I guess we'll find out.

I'm sorry if I'm dragging this out too long. I just don't want you to be upset or not accepting of this.

No, I accept it. I do. I just... don't know how to reciprocate, like I said.

What do you mean?

Yeah, you're doing just fine in my opinion.

Maybe she's trying too hard.

Maybe you are! It's difficult to get over being so closed up for so long, I know, but you really are doing just fine.

If you insist.

I do insist. And thank you, by the way. For everything.

Heh, I don't need to be thanked, Jewel.

Maybe not, but you deserve to be thanked nonetheless.

Works for me.

Tomorrow is going to be insane.

Why?

Because now I have no choice but to stop being so closed off from you two.

You're off to a good start, I'll say that much.

Good to know.

Uh, Laurie?

Yeah?

What do we tell Genesis?

Oh heck, I forgot he wanted to know about this... you know what, I'll fill him in myself. It'll be fun. You two get some sleep.

We'd better close up now, then. It's almost midnight.

Totally worth it, though.

You said it.

One question.

What?

How the heck are we supposed to close this up?

Uh, I have no idea.

Well, we're completely open for the next session now. There are no topics to catch up on. Whatever happens next will be a complete surprise. Which is pretty cool.

That is. And life has been going incredibly well lately.

It has! Oh, about that. Guess who I found on Facebook today, after how many years?

Who?

Billy.

No flipping WAY.

Yes way. So I'm hopefully going to talk to him tomorrow about what in the world he's been up to since, geez, around 2003.

That's awesome.

I know. Just figured I'd make this session a little brighter than it already is.

Man, we're going to need sunglasses to read this thing by the time we're finished.

That reminds me of a certain Sonic Chat session from five years ago...

Was that the one with you two making out by the fireplace?

And the champagne, and the police, and the terrible puns, and Mardi Gras. Yes, that's the one.

That was hilarious.

I know, I miss those things.

We do need to close up, though. Otherwise we're going to keep ranting about random things until Jewel passes out at his keyboard.

Yeah, I'd like to avoid that happening.

All right, then we're done. You two, keep doing what you're doing. I'll talk to your boss and explain why you're going to be so ludicrously late.

Oh geez, I forgot...

Don't worry about it. The guy is surprisingly understanding.

All right. Oh, and Laurie?

Yeah?

Thank you. I know I keep saying it, but seriously, thank you.

Same here. Thanks, Laur.

Geez, I feel like a national hero all of a sudden.

Well you should. You're irreplaceable and that's the absolute truth.

Look who's talking, guys.

Nice comeback.

Thanks.

Aha, Laurie is the master at this.

I am.

But really, I'm closing this up now. Chaos, Laurie, I love you both.

We love you too, Jewel.

Emphasis on "we," kiddo. We're seriously all in this together now.

We kind of always were, actually.

Nah, I was the odd one out. But a metainomen is a metainomen. I plan on putting mine to good use.

I told you tomorrow is going to be insane.

Not if we don't close this up.

Fine. I swear, I'm always the one stuck doing the hard work around here.

We love you for it though.

Believe me, I wouldn't have it any other way.