the spectrum heart cathedral system

They have "yacht rock" on the TV this morning (Bobby Coldwell atm) and I'm SHOCKED to realize that I'm STILL GETTING A FEAR RESPONSE to certain musical sounds like brass/ rhodes piano/ "island" music/ flutes/ etc. And ALL these sounds ALSO give "CHILDHOOD ATMOSPHERE FLASHBACKS," with the INEXPLICABLY CONCURRENT "EXISTENTIAL DREAD" that feels like "mom's bedroom at night" & "George Winston music" & "80s synths" etc. WTF HAPPENED TO/ IN OUR CHILDBRAIN THAT HARD ASSOCIATED THIS (now Spyro Gyra) GENRE OF MUSIC WITH FEAR?? It's the sense that "something scary is going to happen/ I'm IN IT NOW"?? I feel TRAPPED & LOST, like I "can't be safe/ go home/ rest" with this music on. So I WONDER. This is MOM'S MUSIC. Did she PLAY this music CONSISTENTLY at CERTAIN TIMES in which we felt that way? (BTW I got the guts to ASK TO STOP THE MUSIC as it WAS INCREASING THAT "SLOW PANIC" FEELING. That was very brave & wise of us. NOW we need to THINK ABOUT OUR FAVE TUNES to REPLACE the music data in our head-- MAKE A LIST TO REFER TO IN A PINCH & GIVE IT TO AUDREY ♥) I'm sure therapy/ MOM TALKS will reveal more of this, so bookmark it mentally for analysis & journaling later.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AUDREY'S MINI-JUKEBOX for COPING SKILL ACCESS
(tunes we TRULY LOVE & can CALL TO MIND IN A PINCH/ CRISIS to INSPIRE POSITIVITY (LOVE!!))

1. BLACK LIGHT MACHINE by FROST*
2. SUPER SONIC RACING by RICHARD JACQUES
3. BEFORE by EMPIRE OF THE SUN
4. SHOW SOME RESPECT by SALLY ANN TRIPLETT
5. I'M A BETTER MAN by ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
6. SONG OF THE ANCIENTS by KEIICHI OKABE
7. DIE WITH A SMILE by LADA GAGA & BRUNO MARS

(continue this!)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

✳ "IMPROVE" skills/ COOPERATIVE WILLINGNESS today: (meet challenges/ changes with OPENNESS/ CURIOUS WONDER, HOPEFUL GRATITUDE, COURAGEOUS OPTIMISM)
1) Staff woke me up LATE (7am) for meds. I had to RUSH shower/ hygiene. This gave me the OPPORTUNITY to PROVE that I CAN-- I STILL FINISHED BY ~720! I was grateful for the challenge to improve/ streamline my timing; I found that I CAN wash faster AND dry my hair faster too. AND it DIDN'T AFFECT MY MED EFFICIENCY; I kept thinking that taking them later than usual would "stop them working."
2) New patient girl ANGRY VIOLENT. I actually GENTLY BUT FIRMLY spoke up to guide her a little. Proved that I CAN be GENTLY ASSERTIVE, and SHE DIDN'T GET OFFENDED! I didn't get thrown off or disturbed either; I internally DECIDED to STAND MY GROUND AND HELP/ BEFRIEND HER if possible. I WILLED to meet her where she was.
3) Hall yoga. Childlike wonder at ground level perspective. Singing bowl & COLOR REALMS (pink/ indigo/ violet). Angel card of AUTHENTICITY. Focused on movements, letting go of trauma fear bit by bit with "hip openers" (felt ORANGE?). Entered entirely into the experience, trusting, no judgment, open to the beauty in it. Gentle with body's new limits, encouraging it still.
4) Breakfast alterations: minimal eggs, asked for a bit more cereal (brave!). Forgot syrup, so put CRANBERRIES & CREAM CHEESE on the pancakes! Let myself enjoy it. Too much brownsugar in the cereal made me a bit ill; now I know I can try LESS in the future/ NOT "compelled" to get it OR use every bit of what they give me. Also tried yogurt IN the hot cereal to emulate home plans. Let Leon eat the blueberries. Thanked God for the unexpected little joys.
5) LUNCH RUSH! But PROVED I CAN. Learning HOW to be MINDFUL in a HURRY; keep practicing this, & thank God for the opportunities! More delays/ edits; late juice, bread instead of bun, styrofoam box salad, no cheese. Accepted it all happily & with curious fluidity; "how interesting! how new!" Openness/ flexibility allowing for adventure & joy. And the unexpected uniqueness itself is to be treasured.
6) DINNER EDITS.The catfish was MASSIVE! And the nutritionist CANCELED the cottage cheese, which was actually SUCH A RELIEF because I would've had NO TIME TO EAT IT, AND IT SHOWED THAT IF I DO GO OVER EXCHANGES STUPIDLY, SHE WILL FIX IT. So I can RELAX and TRUST her judgment. I also learned that 2 DRESSINGS ARE TOO MANY in the salad! And I DIDN'T RUSH THE FISH. It was LOVELY.
7) I'm so frustrated & disappointed in myself over my weekend mealplan choices. I KEEP MAKING COMPULSIVE CHOICES. But here's what I must do: ENTER INTO THE CONSEQUENCES WILLINGLY, & SINCERELY/ WHOLEHEARTEDLY, TRUSTING THAT GOD WILL HELP ME IF I PLACE IT IN HIS WISE HANDS. Imagine it ALL GOING WELL. LEARN what works & what doesn't. RELAX INTO GRACE. STAY HOPEFUL. FOCUS. YOU CAN DO IT REGARDLESS, BY GRACE!! YOU SURVIVED PANERA BREAD, BRO. THIS IS A BREEZE. (OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!) Don't panic. Go kiss Anxi. You'll survive & God will use even this to help you grow in VIRTUE/ CHARACTER!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

✳ The eating disorder/ mental illness "WANTS TO BE SPECIAL" = "BETTER THAN/ SEPARATE FROM" = PRIDE
("CONTAMINATION FEAR" BLEEDING INTO SOCIAL RELATIONS??? "I CAN'T BE LIKE THEM" ("DANGEROUS" PEOPLE)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

✳ We NEED to ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION because we're learning that apparently CAFETERIA PORTIONS WILL ALWAYS VARY (we didn't realize that huge portions are apparently "NORMAL" in the "real world"; we have NO EXPERIENCE with eating in public so it was a bad shock), so we MUST STOP DOUBLING SIDES AND ENTREES!!! Choose the SMALLEST VOLUME OPTIONS from now on, and DO NOT GO OVER EXCHANGES ANYMORE. This HURTS and it's SCARY. Our meals are NOT ENJOYABLE ANYMORE. They're OVERWHELMING & HEAVY & PAINFUL and I HAVE TO CHOKE THEM DOWN SO FAST and there's SO MUCH. This is WORSE than bingeing because it's FORCED & INESCAPABLE. I HAVE TO DO 100% AND I CANNOT SAY "NO" OR "THAT'S TOO MUCH, PLEASE STOP." ...it's abuse. I'm abusing MYSELF. God I NEED TO STOP. God PLEASE HELP. I'm begging You PLEASE get me safely to Tuesday so we can STOP THIS FOR GOOD.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

poem exercise/ challenge

"I AM A DANGEROUS PERSON"

driven to remove the backstabber's dagger,
deftly I manipulate the blade to prevent mindblowing bleed
and restore the whole.
would such a wound weep
if i were heartless?

 

💕💕GAUDETE SUNDAY💕💕
We were ALL pink son!!

Tony pickup, slightly late. We savored the winter morning. Struck by how much blacktop there is, so few trees, the landscape is almost entirely artificial and sterile. What was it like before we did this to it?

Mom drive home & shop
VERY late getting home.
3PM BK!!

NEWSFLASH = THE RED CHRISTMAS LIGHTS FINALLY BURNED OUT AS OF 4PM 😂 THAT'S A FULL YEAR GOD BLESS
Perfect timing though; there's no better day to relight our tree!

Evening = DID JUST THAT ❤
Man its SO NICE to finally have a tree without any dead lights on it, haha. That feels kind of significant, and very well can be, if we use it as such a lens. Where in our lives are we hanging onto "dead lights", unwilling to remove them until they all burn out, and/or because it would require stripping the entire tree to replace them? I'm sure we can answer that question. Meditate seriously on it.

Also we put multi lights up over the left wall mirrors too, for both holiday spirit and cheerful illumination. We need a longer set, but this will do for now.  The brighter apartment is pinging Jewel, which is both fascinating and encouraging, because we NEED to draw stuff within the next week and SHE is the artist in here. So keep those lights plugged in, kiddo!!

Lastly, "I" was briefly joking with Markus that we were actually listening to Clay Aiken by choice, haha. That poor chap is an ancient injoke thanks to AMG, God bless her too. But hey, two decades later, both Clay and I have "come out" and so with the "fear of alloforcing" therefore neutralized, we can simply enjoy the fact that he actually does have a nice voice, and uses it to sing one of our favorite Christmas songs. How things change over the years!


Jumped right outta the woodwork into our OLD Tumblr for TEN SECONDS to "be a voice crying out in the wilderness"-- and then blindly changed our password ran back into the desert, haha.
We couldn't not share that hard but powerful truth. I don't care if it wakes up the hornets. That's not my intention or job. I'm logged out and leaving it at that. To do any further would be pride. The truth speaks for itself. I thank God I had the guts to share it. But it isn't my war of words to wage.

Night =
Two hours on the couch listening to the Lupin III OST by PAPIK?? And tons of new Christmas music. We needed this rest.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

EGJ =
"The Pharisees and high priests certainly knew what the messiah would look like, or at least they thought they did. So, they disqualified Jesus. How often do we encounter the living Christ among us and around us but fail to recognize Him simply because He looks like a cab driver? Or a grocery clerk? Or a skateboarder? Advent challenges us to open our eyes to the surprising reality that Christ can and does show up in the most unexpected places. Are we ready for that?
Today, identify a blind spot. Sit quietly and think of one thing you would not expect Jesus to be: A different race? A different gender? A different tradition? What holds you back from opening to the possibility?
"Challenge me, O Lord. Show up in my life disguised as someone I would not expect and jolt me into an awareness of Your inspiring and awesome diversity.""
First, a preface from the VOTD, as it ties right into this= "The Good News of Jesus Christ is for ALL people and ALL nations."
...It's shameful and shocking, how much internalized prejudice we actually still have. We can blame our upbringing all we want; the point is, we haven't uprooted it yet. And THAT'S our blind spot: rigid definitions that reject reality and prevent compassion.
When you are raised in a small town & small school, surrounded by elderly white Christian folks with minimal education and limited awareness of the rest of the world, then it's inevitable that xenophobia becomes a normal part of your daily life-- so normal that you don't realize there's any alternative.
This is very dangerous within religion.
...
But I NEVER AGREED with them.
...
My biggest problem? I don't expect Jesus to look like the people I'm scared of. I don't expect Him to look like the people I disagree with. Isn't that devilish. It's disgusting.
I don't expect Jesus to look like a sorority girl, or a death metal frontman, or a drag queen, et cetera. Isn't that terrible?
But I never expected Jesus to look like my schizophrenic transgender sister, either.
...and lest I forget, at all times, I am one new nousfoni away from BEING each and any of those people.
Is THAT the fear?? Is it a MORAL terror, that such people are "sinners" in such a way that it would be scandalous to see Christ in them?? You damned hypocrite, YOU'RE the WORST SINNER OF ALL, and you're going to judge others on appearance alone?? Did you forget Luke 13?? Did you forget your beloved Patron Saint?? Did you forget the Cross Itself??
...and yet, I feel your real fear. You WANT TO see Christ in them. You STRIVE to do so, actually, in secret. And you're TERRIFIED that THAT IS A MORTAL SIN-- seeing Jesus in the faces of people who may be actively blaspheming Him.
...
In short: I STILL struggle so much with the very concept of "Christ IN everyday people," because I feel like that's idolatry or heresy????
...
We were raised to believe that, if you're a REAL Christian, you can ONLY look and talk and feel and act in a certain specific way, NO EXCEPTIONS, NO VARIATIONS. Any odd or weird or "different" people are ungraced, even possessed; they must be domesticated and humbled before they will be allowed into polite & right society, let alone the holy Church!
And I'm STILL being taught that, everywhere I turn! Just look at the "tradcath" movement! As a "queer, autistic, mentally ill" person-- the EXACT kind of person I WOULDN'T EXPECT TO SEE JESUS IN-- that movement is TERRIFYING.
...
...

2) THEY DISQUALIFIED JESUS.
3)
4) And yet, Christ is  ALWAYS UNEXPECTED.
5) "not expect JESUS to be"
6) DISGUISED
7) The diversity of Christ!!!! HIS BODY IS PROOF YOU IDIOT
...


LBB =
"I may not be the main event. But the things that happen in my life are main events for me. And they’re main events for God too. God, unlike the world, has room on center stage for everyone. [Every human being is] center stage for God... [and they are each] God’s beloved. So am I."
1) Pope Francis once said, "Jesus is the only protagonist." That stuck with me. JESUS is the ONLY "main event" in ALL OF HISTORY, and in every individual life! Let that sink in. You aren't the main character of your own existence, because your existence isn't solitary. You're not isolated. Your life is part of the big picture, part of the story of all mankind AND of all Creation. You cannot be the main character; you exist for a blip, for a nanosecond, one snowflake falling amongst septillions. But God created you with His Own Hands. He breathed His Own Breath into your lungs. And most amazingly of all, when the Main Character DID show up, and brought about the ONLY Main Event there is... He was thinking about you.
2) Don't underestimate God's Love. You literally cannot comprehend it. He is infinite, eternal, and entirely Love. He holds the entire cosmos in existence, He keeps the laws of physics running, He personally manages every single star in the sky... and He is watching you right now, with the tender attentive care of a Father. Your ordinary, nothing-special, everyday life is irreplaceably precious to Him, and everything you experience today is of utmost importance to Him. Does that sound impossible? Does that sound crazy? Then consider this additional truth: God feels this way about every single human being in existence. No exceptions, no partiality. Every person is on "center stage" for God, of utmost significance, on equal standing-- the orphan in the slum, the billionaire in the mansion, the convict in the jail, the nun in the cloister, the refugee in the shelter, the celebrity in the tour bus, the average Joe in the factory, the President in the office, Et cetera. Every race, every language, every culture, every religion, every walk of life. Use your imagination. There are literally no exceptions. God cares that deeply and that intimately for every single soul. And why?
3) We are beloved to God. To GOD!
...


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = Romans 15:13.
"Scripture calls God "the God of Hope" because hope is the result of a relationship with a God like this. Hope is the expectation that good things are on the way, even in situations that seem hopeless, because our Good God is always working things out for our good. Hope is God's specialty; it is what He alone gives us, and He is always willing to share it with us. As we trust in God by placing our hopes in Him, God also gives us joy and peace, because He always keeps His promises-- and the result of this is that we overflow in hope. And we always have reason for hope, because God has sent His Son Jesus as our Savior."
1) Oh man that opening line is echoing in my heart. "Hope is the result of relationship with God." That is so profound. And "a God LIKE THIS," to boot! Because let me tell you, as a former pagan, not all "relationships with gods" are good. None of them give real hope. That's because NONE OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY "GODS". 
There is only ONE God, the Holy One of Israel,
...
2)
3)

The prayer had this =
"If I start to feel overwhelmed, hopeless, confused, or fearful, remind me that You are near. Please make me aware of Your Presence."
God's Presence ACTIVELY CONQUERS ALL THOSE VICES.
When God is near, we are freed from overwhelm, because we can share our burdens with Him, while recognizing that He alone is our real priority, the only thing that truly matters in life.
When God is near, we are freed from hopelessness, because we know He is still in control, and is always working all things out for both our good, and His glory.
When God is near, we are freed from confusion, because He is perfect Truth and Light, and will guide us in His Way by His Word & Spirit.
When God is near, we are freed from fear, because Jesus's Cross triumphs over the grave, and so nothing in life or death can separate us from His Love.
...

KVOTD prayer had this =
"God, thank You for giving us Jesus, the greatest gift, and for being available to me all day, every day, forever. Today I want to receive that gift and spend time with You, my Everlasting Father."
1) Today’s self-deifying culture has really made it hard to properly appreciate the ASTOUNDING GIFT that the ONLY GOD has GIVEN us, IN CHRIST, to literally be ABLE to talk to God directly, and at ANY TIME. That is STAGGERING. Read the OT and you'll get a sincere appreciation as to why!
To claim we "have a right to" such access-- or to try to grasp it ourselves-- automatically dooms our attempts to failure, even backfiring. Grace is ONLY available as a gift. So is Love. Power, intelligence, merit, all those and all else are utterly useless to gain grace, to acquire love. They can only be received, and to receive we must have room in our selves TO do so.
Are your hands empty enough, is your heart open enough, is your mind pure enough? No? Then are you willing to be emptied out of everything earthly, humbled and left vulnerable, so that God can fill you with Himself instead of your self? How? You do realize the gift is Christ on the Cross?
2) Also astounding? The fact that GOD GAVE THE GIFT, AS A GIFT. No one forced Him. No one asked Him. He Himself WANTED this communication opened between mortal and divine, to RESTORE what was lost in Eden!! WE WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE SEPARATED. Do you realize that?? We're not "starting from" a position of innate exclusion-- we're here in EXILE. This world is NOT OUR HOME. God never forgot that, but we did. And that's a huge part of why Jesus is such an amazing gift-- we didn't even realize we needed Him. We never would've asked.
3) Don't ever overlook that key point. The gift is JESUS, IN HIS PERSON. The gift is our RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. THAT'S where all our hope comes from! Why is God always available to us now? Because He's available TO JESUS, THROUGH JESUS. No mortal, ever, could merit such communication access, let alone privilege. No mortal could ever reach such celestial heights by their own power-- no mortal could SURVIVE the mere perception of the LORD, even for a nanosecond! Even the prophets that "saw God" only saw Him because HE willed it-- He gave the vision and enabled it, and still only appeared in types and shadows. But the prophet never sought such sights, never dared to even dream that he would be worthy of them-- he outright rejected the very possibility, too acutely aware of his own wretchedly humble state. And THAT is where God meets us in Christ-- right there in the dust. But Jesus came to give sight to the blind.
...
4) Revisiting the LBB reflection: yes, because of Jesus, God is available to you at every moment forever. That's stunning enough on its own. But He's available as a FATHER. He's available because of Psalm 116-- because He's LISTENING. He CARES. He LOVES YOU.
5) We have to ACCEPT THIS.


Guided prayer ties into all this.
"God, it’s when I seek You that I find You. So today, help me to intentionally draw near to You. Give me the courage to shift my attention off of my circumstances and onto You. I want to rely on You completely by coming to You first— above anything else."
1) This reminds me of a line in one of my very favorite prayers, which gives me hope in my most desperate times:
"Teach me to seek You. I cannot seek You unless You teach me
or find You unless You show Yourself to me..."
...
2) We must choose to actively move closer to God.  That just floors me. What NERVE that requires!! And yet, do we not have that Gift? God wants us to approach Him. Jesus is proof-- and He gives us the power TO approach Him, even Himself, in beautiful paradox, as I said previously. He will help us.
...
3) To shift one's focus like this requires a TOTAL REORIENTATION of reality, a shift in perspective that is as essential as it is radical.
...
4)


And this one ACHES.
"God, I’m in awe of Your love for those who follow You. You choose to protect, care for, and provide for us— just as a loving Father should. You see the needs I have today— and I trust that You will not only provide for me, but You will bless me abundantly so that I can be a blessing to others.
Thank You for being a good Father."
...


------‐-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

I apologize profusely for how messy and ugly this entry ended up being. I'm not sure how many people contributed. We're always a mess mentally after oversocializing. Please forgive us for anything foolish or proud or downright evil we said here.

weird day. not even gonna mark this one as "unfinished" even if it's unstructured because i don't have much to type today.

last night was too existentially disturbing to recover from overnight. i'm still shaken and distracted today. my sense of self is shot. i kept slipping in language AND self-perception. didn't recognize the mirror several times. so much automated behavior and memory gaps. this isn't cool.

caseworker woke me up at like 10:20? right before our alarm. biweekly checkup i guess. asked about therapy, about food, about cash, about doctors. i said we had enough food for now, therapy looks promising, all doctors are video visits for the near future, but i'm afraid to ask my payee for cash because "i fear being penalized for asking." got that from upbringing: "you're not allowed to ask," and "you're not supposed to ask," culminating in "BUT now that you DID, you will be punished by our specifically denying you AND not trusting you in the future!" in other words, if i ask my payee for more money so i can wash clothes and buy winterwear and even get something "for myself"-- honestly, if i had the guts i'd ask to start putting aside savings to finally get a bloody high-polyphony midi-controller 88-key weighted keyboard, i'm trying to learn the jargon kids-- i'm terrified that she'll say, "you don't need that! is that how you spend your money? selfishly and luxuriously? well then, you WON'T get money, until I DECIDE you can, AND we're going to severely decrease what money you DO get because you don't need that much." learn to live in poverty kiddo!! stop wanting to have things!! but the caseworker said to discuss these fears with her, and build better communication, and FIND OUT what my limits and expectations actually are. mom called like five minutes later i think and i told her this same fear, and she said that i should "frame my requests" in a "mental health" way?? like, i want to get musical tech because it's "enrichment" and "helps combat depression and purposelessness" and same thing for other "nonessentials" like even the bloody peppermint & cinnamon oils i always put on my bed because it grounds me. frame it as "psychological aids" mom said. feels like lying, but it's not. isn't that weird? like i constantly have to "justify" WHY i want or godforbid "need" things that aren't bare-bones essentials, and even THEN i feel so ashamed to want "more." i grew out of my clothes (still hate hate hate that) and need new ones because right now i'm wearing the same outfits for like a week straight. they're not very warm. but "it's enough!" live ascetically boy!! you don't need more clothes. but my mom says the people in church are "gossiping" and asking "why do they always wear the same outfit?? are they that poor and/or mentally ill? won't their family help them? why isn't the mother doing anything?" it reflects back on her and she legit keeps PUSHING HER clothes on me. which doesn't help, just sets off trauma, but God knows i am still genuinely grateful for her care. still it's unfair of me to claim this is "saving face" on her part. maybe part of it is but who cares. honestly she's a good woman and she loves her kids and she wants to do what she can to help. i see that and i appreciate it. i just... can't wear what she gives, either from dysphoria or fibro triggers. but i'm grateful. and with food, i mentioned that i see THAT as a luxury too, geez i shudder to think of the possible tirade i'm gonna get from our dietician tomorrow. "why are you eating the same things over and over you NEED VARIETY you NEED TO TRY NEW THINGS you NEED TO BE ADVENTUROUS" no i don't, that's hedonistic garbage talk, i HATED that about inpatient, they just kept pushing "adventurous eating" and "tackle all your fear foods" and "variety variety" and no. nope. not when you're poor and obsessive-compulsive and highly limited in both preparation time and space and means. i can't cook or boil or bake things; i do NOT trust my dissociation and i DO have a LOT of legit trauma tied to kitchens, especially stoves and ovens. and meal-planning can honestly keep me awake at night, sobbing in frustration as i try to figure out perfect nutritionally balanced macros and ratios and timing, while "eating everything THEY want me to eat." capital n Nope. we have it down to the same thing every day and it works. it's easy to make, JUST like the binges were, which is WHY they were "psychologically soothing." we spent hours just cutting and chopping and peeling vegetables (so many knives and blades. god why do we miss that so much) and then more hours eating them one bit at a time with chopsticks and it was all just mechanically repetitive ritualized behavior that allowed our consciousness to SHUT DOWN. perpetual dissociation. well we're using the same basic method for different ends: now the "ritual" is automated enough for us to use that "non-thinking" space to TALK UPSTAIRS. and with xenophon ghosting, i don't blackout dissociate anymore. God bless her. God bless EVERYONE in headspace; THEY are saving my life, thank the Lord, NOT that hellish hospital. still, it was necessary. we needed to "gain weight" solely because our body needed something to work with after years of running on empty. we're still pissed, yeah, but at least we're not 90 pounds. and yet i still keep watching that scale, stable since discharge, waiting for it to drop. except, now we're getting SOME VISIBLE MUSCLE TONE, just a bit but it is evidently different from how flabby we were after sitting on our collective ass for almost nine weeks, PLUS the months of long-covid and post-loss despair. we've gotta WORK to get back in shape but we won't give up. it was worse in 2017. yeah we were also literally starving ourselves but we didn't get very strong as a result. striving to do the opposite now. still eat, but temperately, and get BUFF. that's the goal really.
what were we talking about. oh yeah. "non-essentials." thank GOD we had enough savings to get the exercise bike. huge expense but essential, and they NEVER would have authorized that purchase through disability payments. so thank god again.
but yeah. limited foods now, we don't mind, but the dietician might. we'll just have to be honest and stand our ground within reason. we'll see what happens tomorrow. and DON'T LIE. no half-truths, NO empty "agreeing" to be a "good patient," NO compromises or censoring. we be HONEST. and we work WITH the doctors to do what is WISE. remember that fortune we have taped to the laptop. "do what is RIGHT, not what you "SHOULD."" discernment is key. i think i typed that exact same thing before, but it deserves a repeat. "should" is a thought distortion byproduct. don't use that language. use insight and clarity. speak up and stand up BUT be open to honest legit correction too. we're learning.

anyway. i remember we were in the kitchen for 11:11 because i saw it and smiled. we're finally seeing GOOD numbers again, not just the evil ones. it's so reassuring. maybe a silly comfort but god knows we love numbers and balance and symmetry and stuff. so that's always soothing, even just mentally in that respect, to see. feels like a message, "you're doing good. keep it up." helps a lot. whereas the other one is "watch out, you're not thinking right, get back on the road." scary to see, but. a vital warning.

my memory is shot for today. again, it's the reeling residue from yesterday. haven't dealt with it. honestly in shock from not only my legit WRATH meltdown with jezebel, but the similar trauma-hate conflagration over that movie. i guess that's why God pushed me to watch it. unexpected, and highly upsetting, but He knows what He's doing. how the heck else was i gonna realize that THIS is still a cancer in my soul? at least now we can treat it.

breakfast... oh yeah, we had one busted egg. when they crack, we just junk the yolk and add +1 white to the BK protein. it works. still feel bad about trashing the yolk, though. wonder if there's anything we can do with 'em, even just for the squirrels (google says they'll eat 'em, and they're safe for dogs too, so hey). we want to be a "good wizard," Lord knows we MUST re-read that series soon, too. we never finished it and apparently there are extra novellas and such? which is cool. but in any case we need to print out the oath and pin it to our wall. that will help a TON, i can guarantee you. punch entropy in the teeth son

during breakfast talk, laurie mentioned that she was going to try to "give up the profanity" for new year's again; it's tough because that was part of her original function and so it's almost etched into her code, so to speak. but she's shifting, especially in hue, in a healthier way, and that doesn't really "fit" who she wants to be anymore. so she told xenophon, "i want you to stop me if you catch me swearing." xennie said okay, but no "swear jar," she didn't want to take any money. laurie said fine, then just punch me. xennie said no!! i can't hit you. laurie said c'mon kid, you won't hurt me. just give me a light punch even. xenophon did, really cutely, and laurie beamed and said see, that's it! and i guess xenophon, realizing this wasn't "being mean" and it was helping, suddenly took on this new job with absolute adorable enthusiasm. for the rest of the morning, if laurie slipped and dropped an f-bomb xenophon would dash over and pummel her leg with her fists, just a bit. "laurie don't swear!!" it's the funniest thing. laurie is getting a total kick out of this, i can tell, but it's also humbling for her, to now be accountable to this sweet little kid in her efforts to be less offensive towards such people. it means a lot to see, really.

i've been informed that scalpel and phlegmoni are cayenne bros because 1. it's red leaning vermilion and 2. it gives you... achy burny eyes. they find this hilarious. they're trying to bring razor into it, but her color doesn't quite match. however i know her, she's still red, and reds can be jokesters in their own right. blame jewel. so heaven only knows what will happen with all this, haha. i've gotta admit, part of me does like spicy stuff too. i'm telling you, it's a red thing. jot that down in our new "color characteristic" files, honestly it's fascinating to find stuff like this, even little things, that can be consistently measured and observed. learning! yeah! it's pretty awesome in here. 

tried to biblestudy while we ate again. realized we're two days behind on that advent devotional, but we cannot put the required spiritual focus into it if we're splitting with breakfast attention. so we smartly set it aside for the time being. unfortunately we also dissociated for the whole meal, apparently, because i have NO recall of it at all. no problems though. xenophon and laurie make sure.

after eating we felt dizzy & tired & sick as always (still not sure if that's e.d. recovery stuff or a legit intolerance, we'll ask tomorrow if it feels safe to-- don't want to get labeled as a hypochondriac again, yes it's "boy who cried wolf" on their end but we always sincerely want advice, if we're wrong then good we just want to know), so we brought up the bible app again. realized they have that advent-plan badge challenge going, so i found a 5-day one that was rather simple and did it all within an hour. did me a lot of good actually; i'm really learning to love some "modern" translations, like "the message" and "the passion" and "plain english version" and of COURSE hawaii pidgin. yes i will compare them to the NET and AMP and RSV and such, but... the ones that "paraphrase" sometimes add such gorgeous new light to the message. taken as a whole, it enriches the scripture so much. it's deeply moving and i really love it. so i want to do that more. keep up on the devotional plans, especially ones that have "talk about it" or "apply this truth" bits. things that will push me to type and think and act. that's the best.

also.
finally got the guts to soft-quit tumblr.
i've wanted to for months. the place is SO TOXIC. the language is horrid, there's so much fighting, there's sexual depravity everywhere. no matter what blog i bring up, i'm bracing for impact, never knowing what triggers i might stumble across. it's exhausting. it's poisoning our brain, too, which was PROVEN by the orange & yellow voices yesterday-- "bright" hues are inherently SOCIAL and as such they INTERNALIZE ALL SOCIAL EXPOSURE, even if it's only online.
but... it's not just that. it's the religious mask i've put on to "fit in." it was so unconscious, and so dissociative, that i didn't realize it was happening until i started reviewing old entries. ...it was getting to the point where i was trying to erase my ACTUAL personality in order to be a "good christian" according to the internet. absolute disaster in progress. and... it was so dishonest. nobody knew i was queer or trans or mentally ill. nobody knew anything about my innerlife and how deeply it affected my faith. i would believe everything i read, getting so confused with the arguments between "tradcaths" and "novus ordos" and more protestant denominations than i knew existed, not to mention the odd jew and muslim speaking up to "correct" their fellow abrahamic religion. it was insane. and the whole time, i was just "trying to be meek and cooperative," not realizing that it also meant i was being a total bloody LIAR. this is why all our old "friends" hated "me." i would do and say and act however they wanted, all smiles and nods, while inside i was hollow. like a robot. so involved in the act that i forgot who i was offstage. the fact that this was affecting my RELIGION for so long makes me sick.
inevitably it was killing my faith life. i couldn't read holy books, do bible study, or even pray without thinking, "i need to post this to tumblr! i need to share this with everyone!" and in the process... i wouldn't share it with myself. i became the "middleman" to my own religious experience, handing everything over to my "followers" and forgetting to keep any of it in the process. it became a performance, a job even. it was making me miserable, and i started to push my faith practices away JUST so i wouldn't "have to update." it was lethal.
so. i quit. quittski. over-and-outski. i'm done. i posted an "indefinite hiatus" update there and here and just deleted the app. that's it.
now... now i can worship without feeling like that has to be "consumable," too. i no longer feel obligated to make my faith experience "user-friendly" and "fit for a target audience." no. that's a demonic lie. but i feel forced to do the same with my art, and my music, and all my God-given talents, how ironic is that. so tired of feeling like i can't do anything just for love. everything has to be "profitable." everything has to be "appropriate." if you're a christian you're "not supposed to be" weird or crazy or just plain gay, for heaven's sakes. otherwise you're broken, a hypocrite, and your testimony is junk. that's terrifying. but it's also total lies.
god loves me, exactly as i am. and yeah, i have a LOT of healing and spiritual growth to do, but... there are parts of me that are vital to my faith that so many fellow christians would claim were unacceptable. 
i cannot worship God in truth if i can't do it with my entire heart, and that includes EVERYONE IN IT.
so. no more tumblr. avoid all that drama and distortion. everything i get from my faith, goes in this journal now. we're keeping it real.

getting a headache. probably dehydrated. i can only think of 60oz that we got down. gotta make more of an effort with that.
...obligatory sidelong glance at chaos 0, haha. you know what yes, i do mean it both ways, why not.

he deserves his own entry. very soon. our anniversary is in one week. one week. nineteen years.
...will i get the nerve to draw something? that means drawing myself. i haven't done that in a very, very long time. but he's worth it.

oh, really quick. speaking of art.
i have wanted to do a serious of religious "paintings" for a WHILE now, on two topics: one, all the rosary mysteries in ways that match our soul, so we can meditate on them and feel truly immersed; and two... a spectrum-hue set of jesus christ, focused on His sacred heart.
honestly i want to do that so badly it aches. i keep thinking about it. i mean, every culture portrays jesus according to their heritage-- their ethnicity, their dress, their art styles. there are gorgeous pictures of jesus as japanese, indian, native american, african, korean... beautiful, every single one. but then there's internal "culture." i absolutely love when i see jesus portrayed in that context, too, but with respect. and that is hard to find. give me anime jesus. give me vaporwave jesus. give me whatever this counts as. give me every single thing that kokecit does. (this is saved on my phone forever btw,and i think about this constantly.) i'm serious. whatever your internal "vibe" is, i want to see your faith permeating every aspect of that, too. evangelize everything.
(btw for humor's sake this is still one of my favorite things, it's hilariously simple and never fails to both make me laugh and inspire me, god bless)
so. paintings. the phrase is not, "what if jesus were american, living in my time?" that's been done. but i don't "live in" modern america, arguably. i'm so mentally weird & isolated, since childhood, that my honest "nationality" is headspace. so i open with the question: "what if jesus were red? or blue? or violet? if He was part of this specific Spectrum hue, how would it manifest in Him?" and of course He's God so He would carry ALL the beauty of each one completely. and THAT is what i want to draw, or paint, or whatever it ends up as. but i want to express that. the REAL face of God in MY unique soul. how He looks to me. i want to do that more than anything.
hm. in that case, i should start now. open a word document and start writing down notes. do some thumbnail sketches. but get moving on it.

to segue back into where we were.
gotta draw something for god's biggest work of personalized grace in my life, as it were. 19 years.
...no idea what, yet. something sincere, NOT performative. draw it for us, not an audience. if i were to capture, in art, how i feel about us right now, at this exact time in our shared life, what would i express? that is what i should do.
the biggest roadblock: me.
bloody dyspho/dysmo hell making everything difficult. but suddenly i hear infi speaking up, out of nowhere, "but jewel that isn't the true you. it's the body you live in, but it will change with time. the core of your soul does not. you know how that looks, no matter what the externals are. draw that. draw how he sees you, and always has. that's the truth."
...that's... a really, really solid point, and it's gutting me like a fish to be honest
"how he sees me." geez didn't he bring that up the other night, even? whatever face you have, you're still you? whatever name you have, i still know you? after how many core shifts and breaks and deaths he's seen, bloodlines and hues both changing, my heart and his heart have stayed the same, and they're connected. i cannot forget that, nor can i trivialize it, because it's astronomically important. when did we first connect? wasn't i like 15? and since then he's known me, and i know him, even in the perfect incidents and the bloodred freakouts and all the tar & plague. no matter what, we know each other. i kept seeing that in the old xangas, how he could tell when i "wasn't in my eyes" and when i was slipping almost without any apparent "tells." even when laurie couldn't quite see things were off, chaos 0 could. he couldn't not. his vision of me surpassed everyone else's, because he was seeing with the heart. again, just like the fox said. "you are forever responsible for what you have tamed." i think about that a lot, too. (btw don't forget we DO have a copy of that book i think? a library reject copy, we love those. still i would love a special really old printing of it, and we STILL need to get our hands on a signed copy of fahrenheit 451. but try to explain that to social security, haha.) what is true is not "evident," because it is too sacred. the most real things in all the universe are only perceptible by those who see, who look with not only open eyes but an open heart.
...i need to be courageous enough to trust in that. to trust that whatever i may "look like" right now it's valid, because my heart is the same. why am i so obsessed with appearances though? is THAT tied to the "i must be approved" stuff i'm struggling with in my faith too? that if i don't "look worthy of love," OR of loving, then i'm NOT? like if i'm not pretty or handsome or strong or smart enough, i don't deserve to love or be loved at ALL? that is a LETHALLY toxic internalized belief, geez.
but. it's true, that i hold it regardless. i've heard it, and experienced it, way too much. society and family both emphasized it. actually, thinking of media, that REALLY did it. i used to wonder "why do people keep talking about 'representation' in media? why is that so important?" and then i stopped and thought and realized, oh, i have that same problem, and it hurts. growing up, and even now, i NEVER see characters that are like me. not in appearance, not in personality, not in life... or rather, i never see good characters like "me." if someone is red, it's usually shorthand for "dangerous" or "wild" or "sexy." if someone is "crazy," or heaven forbid "multiple," they're murderous and insane and dehumanized. no one is shaped like me. no one talks like me. no one is trans-neutral, no one is asexual yet amorous, no one is in love with a monster and male-presenting. at least, if such "representation" exists, i sure haven't seen it. and yeah it sounds whiny and trivial but honestly it just makes me feel... unreal. i have enough problems with reality, i don't need the world at large acting like i shouldn't exist.
why am i even venting about this? oh yeah. scared of drawing myself, especially in the anniversary context.
but you know what, if there's no "representation" i don't care. that just means i need to make the first move.
in any case i must, i must refuse to hide this for that reason. i'm tired of forcing myself to deny or downplay what i feel because it's "shameful" or "stupid" or "something i have to keep secret." why. i'm tired. i want to live in this light and color like i used to, back when life was focused on headspace, and i didn't care about "the world's opinion." i only care about God's opinion, and He has never objected to my honestly loving anyone, as long as He still gets priority. but God would never tell someone "don't love anyone BUT me." that goes against all His commandments. no. we've gotta glorify Him in ALL things, no exceptions, and that IS possible and it's BEAUTIFUL. but you can't do that if you're constantly afraid of human judgment. you cannot see clearly then. if you strive to keep your heart pure, that's all you can do. pray and then just love, always.

i am so tired. it's 1am.
i noticed it's hard to type during the day, mostly because journaling "has to happen at the end" so it's all included and cohesive. but it's also because everything gets quiet and dark and introspective. perfect for going inside oneself. winter is a big blessing in that respect.

oh, oh dude last daily update things. this is important.
first let me backtrack. i lost a lot of time this evening due to exhaustion? i was on our phone, but what was i even doing? reading? researching? i sat down on the couch at one point. mimic showed up and just sat down by it, doing his own thing. surprised me, really. didn't expect his company, especially not at his own decision. i mentioned "i'm probably not gonna read tonight, dude, i'm too tired. my brain needs a break." he said that's cool, he wasn't there asking for anything, just "checking in." chillin' really. but still, he was nearby. which was... how do i say. nice? strange? both?
octupi are solitary creatures. they don't live long. they're super intelligent. but they're not particularly social, at least, not in our world. they have no real reason to be. their lives are naturally solitary. despite their intelligence and inquisitiveness and playfulness, even, their lives in the wild appear to be mostly... survival.
mimic is curious, more than anything. he likes to learn things. he wants that intel, as it were. he's genuinely interested, but... interpersonal connections aren't "typical" for him. not like for a wolf, or a monkey, or a lion. but interestingly, hedgehogs allegedly are solitary critters too, in this world. so who knows? 
i'm solitary, too. plus i'm aroace no matter how i try to force otherwise. i have to come to terms with that. "interpersonal connections" are tricky for me, even when i do love people, because getting "close" and "involved" is distressing psychologically and physically. again, "how much of this is trauma" BUT mind you, even as a child i REFUSED to socialize. when i did, like in preschool, i was the boss. and i was mean. i didn't want "friends," i just wanted people to do what i wanted. to get things done and then leave. don't chat with me, don't play games, don't invite me to parties unless it means i get to play games and eat free food and leave whenever i want. i was not a nice kid. except i was. except i still cared, deeply so, and even when i grumbled over it i did chores for grandma and said my prayers and kissed my brothers on the cheek. sometimes i did it without being asked. point is, even as i grew up and somehow became "kinder"-- no idea how, maybe just the grace of God-- i still didn't want to hang out with people. EVEN when i got that massive crush on alexandria. even though i wanted to be her "best friend" i don't think i knew what that would be like. but i wanted to be with her. that was SO NEW. and yet... i never got close to her. always did everything backhanded, sneaky. i stole her stuff just to have her things with me. looked through her desk and bookbag when she wasn't around just to "get a glimpse" of her personal life. things like that. never actually interacting. the thought of talking, of socializing, EVEN with her, was repugnant. and yet i was a chatterbox. i monologued. but i talked to the fourth wall. i didn't intend to be responded to, unless it was in questions. everything a business transaction. i'd never get a coffee with you. except... maybe with alexandria. and then i'd let her do the talking, probably. but then what? how would i sustain that? would it be once a year on valentine's day and then i'd bail? recover for the next 364 days? why am i so isolatory, and yet i can't help but care about people even if i don't know how to acknowledge or act on it properly? without putting on a mask and burning myself out? this isn't the place to think about that. brain too fuzzy. but still. good that it's brought up. more introspection to do.
nevertheless. because both he and i are a bit averse to being in groups, especially in consistently interactive ones, i genuinely don't know if mimic will stick around, based on his own demeanor, and the overall atmosphere of headspace. plus, outspacers, man. they don't "stay in headspace" in any case. they just visit. they drop in, say hi, get up to speed if they're interested, but always go back to where they came from-- ideally, a leagueworld. and there is space for mimic, if he makes that final decision to stay, to have this "other life" in another world.
even so. i do like him. he's taught me a lot, and he's a fascinating guy. challenging, yes, but i think that's a big part of why i like him. i mean heck, look at me and laurie. i like that bit of an edge. but there always needs to be that ability to put the knife down, as it were. headspace does enable that, true; it empowers such changes. but receptivity and choice are still key factors. i don't know dude, we'll see what happens. point is, if he does leave, i'll be grateful to have known him for a little while, and i will miss him. but he wouldn't be the first outspacer-potentiate to have left, either. it happens. i don't forget any of them. if they were to walk back in, even like two decades later, they'd be welcomed as if they never left. that's love, too.

just a brief mention that dinner was 7pm (we're only eating two meals a day; BK is ~900 and DN is ~600, it works) and although i was still so darn dissociated, somehow that also prevented socials from kicking in??? so count your blessings i suppose. succeeded in writing a daily devotional response while i ate so that's posted here. other than that i just talked to xenophon, i love her so so so much, i always share the eggs and fortune cookies with her, she makes my life feel so meaningful.
quick interjection there. yesterday i was seething over how "creeped out" i am by "mothers" and babies. i don't think that's as true as it felt then, thank god. yes i have trauma around sexuality and motherhood both, which extends to the babyphobia. i've been writing about this here & there since high school, i am clearly aware of that.
but... i still love my mom. and i still stand in awe of the love of mothers. even if i don't understand the "maternal" bit, and even if i freak out around babies, honestly i don't hate them. if there's anything i "hate" it's just stupid physical things that frighten me. it's not the person. and it breaks my heart to even have this dissonance. i just want to love. but... girls scare me, for the most part. no, femininity scares me. it's all fear of sex. i know that. i'm trying to come to terms with it & cope. but it's... existentially rattling. big trauma trigger. shook me up bad. gotta bring it up in therapy.
HOWEVER. the segue.
last night, after all that hellish typing, god gave me another nudge. i opened a new tab and the top "pocket" recommendation was... lab mice. specifically john calhoun's mice. as in NIMH.
and today, i announced it was movie night again, and we watched it. mrs brisby & the rats of nimh. one of my childhood favorite films.
DEAR GOD THANK YOU FOR THE NUDGE, I NEEDED THIS SO MUCH
now that mouse is a REAL woman. i know that sounds funny, but she doesn't scare me at ALL. not just because she's a mouse, but she's completely nonsexualized. her personality is sweet and kind. she speaks quietly and politely. she is well-mannered and mature and honorable. and she is STUNNINGLY BRAVE. this mouse-lady would literally FIGHT DEATH FOR THE SAKE OF HER KIDS. and THAT is motherhood. THAT is what it means TO be a mother. it has nothing to do with american white-woman culture and all its bizarre nauseating trappings. no. motherhood is what mrs brisby personifies-- sweetness, gentleness, care, affection, and COURAGE so true it conquers all, because it's fueled by SHEER LOVE. her kid gets pneumonia and she is willing to go to the ends of the earth to save him. she tries to disarm a freaking tractor. she drugs a CAT. she visits an OWL knowing full well he might eat her. and the whole time, EVEN when she is literally SHAKING with fear, she doesn't break. she doesn't chicken out. she doesn't even panic. her attitude is astoundingly level because at its core she is determined to do anything for her kids. and so nothing can actually rattle her, because she has set her little furry face like iron against every possible opposition. and she WILL overcome every single opposition because she's a mom, and that's what moms do.
honestly it was incredible. i love this movie. i haven't seen it since i was like 5. i am so glad we watched it again at last, today of all days. it was exactly what i needed.
but oh boy. boy oh boy. we got our two solid hours of biking in and THEN, right when nimh ended, god reaches out to elbow me in the ribs via tubi tv and says "hey kiddo, uh, do you wanna watch this movie next?" and slides a little banner over.
it's the last unicorn.
my FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.
I gasped and clicked it immediately and told everyone, we are watching the first 10 minutes at least, i am NOT postponing this absolute treasure.
oh lord i am going to cry my eyes out with both joy and pain, i used to loop this film as a kid, it was like my heart on the screen. i freakin' love amalthea, and molly, and even schmendrick, and that "circus" scene is BURNED into my brain, as is that drunken skeleton, and the RED BULL oh man i am hype i cannot wait to see it all again. i don't "remember" it either (thanks dissociation and i mean it) so this will be like... watching it for the first time all over again. thank you god. oh thank you. this is healing too, i've never been afraid of a child or a lady in these old cartoons, i mean geez mrs brisby's kids were so precious even when they were misbehaving, why do i have that problem with humans?? is it really all just trauma? that "threat" of "you know how kids are made, well you're doomed to that fate and you cannot escape"? can't type about that now.
oh man but this movie. i can't wait.
oh. before i forget. jeremy the crow. he reminds me a lot of batty from ferngully (MY MAN, how in heaven's name was he not an outspacer even back then, i freakin' loved that crazyhead) and, yes, at one point (with the "sparkly" and with the strings) he gets "crazy eyes." bluth-style, which is BOSS and means he looks like Genesis does. here, look. honestly i love it, there's something weirdly... beautiful? about it. thesaurus isn't helping me. but when characters get those multi-iris-ring eyes, which only happens when they're slipping just a liiiittle bit out of sanity, well. it both terrifies me, and fascinates me. ...i know what it's like, is why. i know the dangers, and the... well, it's like a drug. i'll put it bluntly. when i'm in that state, it's on the edge between two kinds of "crazy": the lunatic kind, and the "love" kind. now that's for me, not necessarily for the cartoons, but. same feeling. it's a visual signal for someone being "actively mental" and that can be good or bad, because it means that they're no longer in total "control" of what they're doing. the programming is offline. it's just brainwaves baby, intense to the point of insane, and the reason why it goes to your eyes is 1. windows to the soul and 2. that's all you can see. it's a sort of hyperfocus state. no casualness about it. when i get the "ringy eyes" it means something has transfixed my consciousness so keenly that it has rendered me almost high from it? geez how do i explain. jeremy sees the sparkly and just goes bonkers over it. transfixed. the wide-eyed bit is what scares me; that's the sign for me personally threatening unhinged behavior. it's so intent on whatever has triggered that hyperfocus that it loses the ability to really reason. it's not malevolent, no, just dangerous. it can also be a sign of panic, which happens in the scene when the kids are tying him back up (can't find it online)? but! it's the wide eyes. when they're not wide, like in the sparkly scene where he slumps over and just kind of dazedly smiles at the gem, that to me is the "crazy" going the other way. not manic anymore, not frantic, but still that hyperfocus and obsession except now it's disarmed? in either case though it's intense feeling, but it's not a permanent state, not usually, at least not in the films i've seen. but not so in headspace! genesis is the poster boy for this, but i'm pictured standing right next to him as it were. it's in the league a lot. man i am really ranting here, i guess because to be totally frank with you this is a topic very close to my heart, and pun fully intended. i'll have to revisit this topic later when i think about it more and also find more external examples, get my vocabulary together, because i think how i perceive it is still different than how it is intended canonically, at least halfway. which is normal, haha. still. gets me introspective. helps me learn more about us, and how we work and think.
btw the voice-acting in nimh was IMPECCABLE. oh and NICODEMUS!! his glowy eyes! and he's beautiful too, oh man, and his personality is so so sweet. look at how he moves too, it's fantastic. i love his character. big weakness for the wise old creepy-nice dudes. same with the good-hearted kinda-loony goofballs, and the strong but gentle gals of honor who would move the world for family & friends. these oldschool cartoons, man. god bless 'em, they make life so much brighter.
but. lastly. it's 2am and i must write this down, and to pull some topics back together.
the butterfly.
as a kid, he scared me, because he feels like word salad at first. (also the march music doesn't help; THAT scares me more than the randomosity!) i've only ever experienced that kind of mad-tatter speech in situations where something is very very wrong, so it's a kneejerk fear. but then... you realize there's some sort of bizarre sense underpinning all the babble, an order to the chaos, and isn't that relevant because he says something and it hit me like a shot, and has me staggering even now.
he's talking to amalthea. fluttering around and quoting song lyrics and poems. a few that struck hard already. a bit from "how deep is the ocean." "you're my everything." "when you are old." even the (apparently shakespeare) "fishmonger" reference, which struck us only because of our own old injokes. it sounds random but looking it all up, there's all references to love and war and loss and trying to get something back... and all of it being about one, one person, one life, one special thing, the very last, the very only. brilliant, really.
but then. there's that one line.
"Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name."
...and i just stopped. stopped everything. the video, the bike. reeling.
...that line coming from a blue butterfly of all things, talking to a unicorn,
blue is trust, loyalty, honesty, peace. sadness and grief. the sky and the sea and the winter chill. constancy. fidelity. communication.
butterflies are souls. free and fragile. symbols of hope and transformation. resurrection. life after apparent death and destruction. hope.
unicorns are grace. purity. innocence. healing. virginal love. gentle yet fierce. rare & powerful. visible only to those who search and trust.
"for the love it bears to fair maidens, it forgets its ferocity and wildness..."
come on you know me already, the parallels i'm drawing are obvious.
but... the bit about the name,
how can i summarize this. it's 3am. lots of research going on in the background.
every time i imagine "meeting him" here, anywhere, for the first and millionth time, it's always hallmarked by our names.
"say you know me."
time and time again. which world is this now, do i know you from my dreams, what face is yours, what name?
i'd recognize you anywhere, but who am i? fluttering around and speaking in riddles, you this eternal beloved thing. my golden bell. the song my heart will always remember. but i can't say it, if only, if only you were here to call by that beloved name, i would--
"no, no, listen. don't listen to me, listen."
babbling on and on as i always do. what am i speaking in circles around? isn't it always you? my only one?
ah i'm taking this too far but i don't care. it's a springboard, a beautiful launchpad and i'm shooting for the stars as always, for those planets with rings that were always shorthand for that name i couldn't confess aloud.
just once, could you imagine? every bell in this cathedral set to singing. you're the only thing i would break for.

gotta sleep. gonna get 8 hours just in time for our doctor's appointment, good timing you lunatic. gonna shatter that crazy moon and turn it into a ring, spinning spinning, all ice and diamonds and embracing you forever, why not get poetic, it's almost 4am anyway.
aah but i'm blessed. you know i really don't call him by name often. too sacred, somehow. requires cracks in the armor, all of it, lined with gold. bells.
well why not, our daughter is a butterfly anyway.
close the cover before striking. got a sparkly of my very own. good lord i'm delirious, haha. sleep deprivation!

honestly though. trying not to be afraid of sounding like a lovedrunk idiot, because i am, so why not be sincere about it. nevertheless good seeds. focus on the good, on the light. let that illuminate everything else. thanks be to god. it's still snowing. there's hope for everybody, hope for me, somehow i'm sure. have faith, have faith. dedicate myself to love in every aspect and set my life on fire. warm my heart up again. bring that light to everything. don't be afraid.
rambling now. as if i already wasn't. trying to conclude with what i'm feeling
hope, just so much hope, with a determination as red as blood, and just as life-giving,
lord give me strength. and grace. and an open heart. help me to remember who i am, truly, please.
i want to be good. i want to be a light in the dark. i want to do everything for love. for everyone. courage of the heart. that's red. that's me.

exhausted. sunrise will come. tomorrow brings... who knows?
life, life, life, life.
music.
and love.

gotta sleep before i can get there though! 

Notes from today.

Got BARELY 4 HOURS OF SLEEP because I was up late here typing & going through old Sonic Inversion notes & images. Sonic Frontiers is SUCH A CALLBACK to it it's insane. I swear Sonicteam is reading my brain somehow. Same with Pokemon, SERIOUSLY THOUGH

Partial called around 9:25, which is what woke me up. I just said "nope, we're not doing that again today!" and let it ring. Then I got up and Xenophon IMMEDIATELY showed up ghosting?? Chaos was still mostly asleep but here's my baby girl, wide awake and asking me if I was going to make breakfast now. I said yeah, I need to eat now to fit my proper schedule (I had accidentally fasted for 14 hours anyway, whoops) but I had to make something fast as a result. I asked her, what do you think, should I do the avocado toast or cereal? Because those could prep while I cooked the eggs. She enthusiastically insisted on cereal so we got to work. Honestly, just typing that I am stunned. There I was, in my own apartment, in my own kitchenette, boiling eggs and prepping cereal and picking out an apple and I wasn't afraid of eating. I didn't think any of the food was evil, possessed, anyphylactic, or poisoned. And THAT was how I thought for YEARS, apparently. But... something changed, during inpatient. Honestly I wonder about that. It sure as heck wasn't the food, because that was purely mechanical and served only to get some actual vital weight & fat back on this 86-pound body. But every employee there KNEW and SAW that I was working myself to the bone with DBT and CBT and journals and thought inventories and dietary logs and SO MUCH MATH. I never took a break unless it was to read Scripture or semi-nap from fatigue. Otherwise, I didn't do anything recreational. It was CONSTANT WORK, for like 52 solid days, and THAT is what "changed me." ...well. For the most part. If we REALLY want to talk about the deep changes, that credit goes ENTIRELY TO GOD working not only through grace but THROUGH THE SYSTEM. Those workbooks wouldn't have made any sense if THEY HADN'T BEEN A GROUP EFFORT. Honestly you have NO IDEA how many times OTHER PEOPLE BROKE THROUGH TO WRITE, and THAT IS WHERE THE BREAKTHROUGHS HAPPENED. When I had trauma flashbacks, it sure wasn't staff that talked me down and supported me, it was NOUSFONI WHO UNDERSTOOD. When I felt lost and futureless, it sure wasn't any worksheet that gave me hope, it was EVERYONE INSIDE WHO I WANTED TO LIVE FOR AND WITH. This is OUR body, and THAT'S the healing; THAT'S the recovery goal and motive. NOT PARTIAL. Not eating 4000K a day on camera and chatting about TV shows. I'm sorry, that was why I repeatedly insisted on sitting alone in the lounge to eat instead of in the kitchen. EVERY TIME I'd eat in that group I'd dissociate and the behavior temptations of bingeing/purging would start to return. NO WAY SON. So I got out of there. Several people implied that I was "chickening out," that "if you can stay mindful in THAT environment, you can stay mindful anywhere!" But dude that's like throwing a five-year-old into a rushing river and telling them "if you can swim in THAT, you can swim in ANYTHING!" IT'S UNREALISTIC AND DANGEROUS. I don't think they were willing or able to admit that their program was not one-size-fits-all. Still, it WAS exactly the environment I needed to be in, however loosely, in order for the triggering variables of home & trauma to be temporarily FORCED into dormancy so I could LEARN HOW TO COPE while I also was FORCED to eat in a very brutal but effective sort of exposure therapy. THAT was something I COULD NOT DO ON MY OWN because God knows I TRIED. So I am grateful for the inpatient experience as a whole. That's not any reason to continue Partial, though. That's a whole different structure and application, and it does NOT mesh with me being HOME. I CANNOT mentally or emotionally manage that ambivalence in a healthy manner, especially not so abruptly. So, I didn't answer the phone, and I followed my daughter into the kitchen, and I made my OWN breakfast.
I had to push a little this morning though. I had an appointment with a social worker within the hour, had to call my financial assistant, had to get a few items at the store and stop at the pharmacy and Goodwill donation center and call the phone company, AND my mom might give me some extra responsibilities too when she got time to text from work. So my schedule was packed, and there was no realistic way to plan several balanced meals and shoehorn them in there regularly. I knew I could only do three, maybe only two and a half. So breakfast was bigger, about 650k: three eggs, bran cereal with milk, an apple, and a fortune cookie (they are the best, I have them taped all over this laptop). Oh yeah, and then for fiber & color I threw in the small broccoli+peas bowl I planned for snack last night and never ate, so it wouldn't go bad. And hot cinnamon sunset tea, of course, which I became very fond of during Inpatient, and which Xenophon was gleeful over.

SPEAKING OF TEA, that's why I'm updating before bed (I NEED to catch up on sleep so I can exercise tomorrow; with the exercise bike & short jogs the bloating & edema is finally going down and I feel much better)-- with the hectic schedule of today, I didn't get to eat lunch until 5PM. So I WAS smart to push breakfast, even if now I know our body cannot tolerate that much protein in one sitting (that happened last time Partial made me do the same, so it's clear). Still, I looked at what foods we needed to include yet today and plugged it into our macros, and we got something together: spinach & carrots with cottage cheese, a protein yogurt, the avocado toast (I'm actually eating bread, and the avocados are my main fat exchange so it's a very smart item), another fortune cookie, an apple, and a handful of grapes. And SNACKS. THAT'S THE UPDATE. See there's this heartachingly lovely thing happening in my life now where APPARENTLY EVERYONE LIKES TO GHOST AROUND THE APARTMENT, or at least tune in and participate from upstairs (notably Laurie; who does NOT want to risk another anchor-externalization death).
Genesis, as always, hangs out with me when I'm shopping-- which, I should note, DID NOT HAPPEN for OVER A YEAR when I was in that hyperreligious bulimic mindset. It's so weird how the two were fused. I LOVE my faith, and I MISS how religious I was, but... it also kept me in this bizarrely chronic state of scrupulosity that fueled disordered behaviors. And no one was with me. Now, I walk into Walmart and Genesis warps right in, either in step alongside me or right into the cart (which he is the prince of) if I have one, splaying out in it like it's a lounge chair. Today I only had a basket so he asked for the shopping list (he keeps me focused; otherwise I am VERY prone to dissociate OR go manic in such a noisy crowded environment), then helped me find & choose the items. Oh I absolutely talk to him out loud, it's second nature after 17 years. It keeps me grounded IN MY SOUL, which keeps me SAFELY in the body, as only grounding into the bones doesn't do. I NEED the headspace aspect. But yeah, he helped me get through Walmart without blanking out.
Also. In the tea aisle. The other day I saw a beautiful satin pink tin that was apparently green tea cherry blossom and it PINGED JULIE, who at the time looked touched and quietly commented that she really liked that. But we didn't get it due to budget. HOWEVER. Today I walked right over and picked it up and said, "Julie, I'm getting this for you." And she teared up. She protested that I didn't have to, it was six dollars after all and we were on food stamps, I really didn't need to get it just to prove that I cared. I said I know, but "I want to get it because now I'll think of you every time I see it." She just gave me the sweetest tearful smile, and said thank you.
So, yeah, tomorrow morning if it feels right we will try it. I'm sincerely looking forward to it.
BUT ABOUT THE TEA. For lunch/dinner, as we were prepping and planning, I asked Xennie "should I have the tiger tea?" to which she gasped and said "YES" excitedly. Laurie laughed and asked "kid why are you so amped for tiger tea." Xennie replied "because there's a TIGER on it! It's a big cat and it's really cool!" Then she did a "claw" pose and went "raaawrr!" Laurie just goes "whoa, a tiger! I didn't think we'd see any of those in the winter." Xenophon replied "it's because I'm a SNOW TIGER" and kept growling and prowling about the kitchen. It was the absolute cutest thing.
At some point we ended up talking about "scary things." I forget how that happened, but it was around the time when I remembered that Genesis and I had decided to buy blueberries and Xenophon asked for one and I was shocked to realize that I really like blueberries which IMMEDIATELY reminded me of someone online (possibly Hydro) referring to Chaos 0 as "blueberry flavored water" which is obviously now going to be ANOTHER injoke, God bless. I mentioned this; along the lines of "well, I'm glad that I really like blueberries because apparently..."  Somehow this ended up with XENNIE referencing the OTHER injoke with "dad's just a tall glass of blueberry flavored water" which had Laurie LAUGHING and Chaos admitting "it's true" and then someone asking well then what would I be? Beating everyone to the punch I said "well obviously the hot cinnamon tea" to which Xennie added "you are!! And I'm the tiger tea!!" growling at Laurie again, "wow I can't believe we've got an actual snow tiger right here in our kitchen", etc. It was the best thing.
As for the scary things. I mention the tea and blueberries because it was as I was adding the blueberries to the salad that we were discussing that. The point came up that both Chaos and I could be very frightening when we got out of mind, what with Perfect and whatever the heck you'd call what I do when I unhinge. Infi, Genesis, and Laurie all fit the bill too. Xenophon said she was only scary as a tiger, but then seriously asked Laurie about the thought-- did she think she could be scary? Laurie replied "kid, the thought of you being 'scary' is honestly f*cking terrifying." Xenophon, bless her, responded with "well then I'm ALREADY scary!" Laurie smiled at that gentle wit but she did continue the topic, saying that neither she nor anyone else wanted Xenophon to have anything in her that COULD make her scary, or monstrous, or otherwise fearful. I forget what exactly elicited it but Xenophon suddenly and sincerely started to protest that "well people only say some things are scary because they're not looking at them the right way!" and that sometimes the "scary thing" is just their pain, with the ultimate point being, in essence, that beloved line: "when is a monster not a monster? oh, when you love it." and she pointed that sentiment directly at Chaos 0 and I. ...Hearing that, from her, meant a lot.

I didn't see Infinitii today, although ze NOW CAN BE PINGED and just eye-smiled at me in response, with a little wave, from bubblespace. God I missed hir, there was SUCH a LONG TIME when ze was LEGIT DEAD and COULD NOT be pinged at all. Then when ze did resurrect ze hid for so long, traumatized and afraid of hirself and completely unwilling to interact with ANYONE lest ze "destroy everything again." ...All of our confused guilt and shame is in hir, no surprise. ...I did write about it during inpatient, just a little, on that ONE day I attempted to traumadump and nearly went psychically catatonic from the overwhelm. So we stopped. But WOW was that an impetus for further change, let me tell you. And I pray that it will help Infi-- and I, in league with the Jay bloodline, which I KEEP SLIDING INTO lately-- heal from all that tar in our past.

Genesis wasn't really around too much in the kitchen but he was there, off and on. His vibe isn't "domestic"; his sparkling enthusiasm is geared towards social settings and more active situations.
Oh that reminds me. While I was eating lunch-dinner, Xenophon sat on the floor next to me (the same spot her other father did the other day, I don't think she knew) to keep me company and I handed her the entire apple to eat, which she joyfully took. But I was still feeling like a bit of a tease, and said something about her being "mostly hot air" as a pun before realizing it sounded highly offensive and apologized profusely. Xennie noticed this and said "it's okay, I know you were just being funny, and I know you didn't mean anything mean," but I needed to repair the damage so I told her, actually "hot air" can be a really nice thing, especially in the winter, because it's cozy and keeps you warm. Xennie's eyes lit up softly and she said "yeah! so it's good that i'm a lot of hot air because i can warm you up when you're cold!" then she took a deep breath and just blew it at me, which was SO CUTE. she did at one point outright comment on her "steam-twintails" with a reference to the tea on the stove. Lord why does my kid love tea so much, maybe it IS just the steam. It's adorable though. God I love her, thank you for her. But yeah, no hard feelings. She did suggest I put on some calming music though because I had a horrible earworm from the pop music they were playing in the pharmacy (the vast majority of music on the radio gives me legit psychic damage; it HURTS to hear synaesthetically). so i put on a spotify instrumental playlist at random and what do you know, instead my QUEUE comes up? and it's "gymnopedie", a tune tied to the League and the Cores from our personal history, which I had forgotten I queued as it was the SAME artist that mom had been playing on CD the other night when I ate dinner at her boyfriend's house and talked about the Book of Job and chess history and DBT skills for like three hours. So that was really sweet actually. It did calm me down.

I have so many feelings and I want to type but it's 10:30 and I swore I'd be in bed for 11 so I can get 9 hours before 8am. I feel very "fat" today which is disturbing but I'm trying not to freak out over it; it doesn't define my soul and BESIDES, THAT'S JULIE'S BODY TYPE. of course we don't look just like her-- there are some notable anatomical differences-- but it still gives enough affectionate impact for me to relax into it a bit more. And in the long run, remember, this "fat" saved your life because you were LITERALLY STARVING TO DEATH and all that is protecting your organs and giving you potential fuel to TANK UP once we get back into an exercise routine, because 8 weeks in a hospital will really take a toll on your tone. Man was never meant to sit on his ass for that long. But we'll get back into it. Just gotta be patient.

It's 10:45. Last night I was listening to everyone's playlists, uploading the descriptions here, because they're too honest and precious to lose or keep hidden. It... helped me remember just how much love there is in my heart, and in the Spectrum at large ('Spectrum' includes everyone in the System and everyone who isn't "employed" as such but who is still in the rainbow, as it were). There are so many songs I forgot about, so many sentiments and memories that have been buried for years but that I know CAN and WILL come back when I re-listen to them. Honestly, that's recovery, too. THAT'S the TRUE DEFINITION OF "RECOVERY." Not weight gain, screw that. That was incidental in comparison. What I REALLY want and need to recover is what was lost, to repair the damage, to regain myself, to heal in the way that matters. And I need love to do that.

I'm starting trauma therapy soon, too. The WORST part of physical "recovery" is the horrific increase in trauma symptoms. "Sedating" the psyche and body through starvation & purgation was not a sustainable method of repression, and repression itself is terribly unhealthy and self-destructive. So... at some point I NEEDED to face this. Inpatient was, again, the ONLY way I COULD, because it was forced and unavoidable and honestly disturbing as hell and I DID have several self-abusive, nearly-suicidal breakdowns in my room over it. ...Dream hacks returned. Body dysphoria is through the roof. Flashbacks are happening WAY too frequently now. But... now I CAN go into therapy. I couldn't get anywhere when I was burying it. Hence the sudden reuploading of the archives after many years. Yes, there is some HARROWING stuff in our past, things I can barely admit to myself, let alone review and repost. But... I need to be honest, even about the most hideous parts of our collective history.

There are probably several unfinished paragraphs & thoughts in here and I apologize; I'm just typing what I can actively remember from today because I NEED to get into a habit of nightly spectrumlife updates again.
As for now, though, sleep is required. I'm feeling slightly but jarringly shaken up from TWO terrible trauma triggers that blindsided me today, which is why I loathe the internet and its "culture" and its pervasive infectious influence on society at large, because it is corrupt and filthy and appalling and sometimes I'll stumble across something someone wrote or drew or thought and I'll think "how in the WORLD did they ever think that was okay?" Are consciences getting so numb? Is moral integrity that disregarded? Is there no sense of honor and self-respect and reverence for ANYTHING sacred? Because believe me there is BLASPHEMOUS stuff out there, which I even have legit mental "trauma" from stumbling across as a child, when I was just learning how the internet worked and there was some ugly stuff hiding even in children's spaces even at that time. But that's a topic for therapy, and traumaspill journaling, not tonight.

Oh yeah, on that note and otherwise. When I was boiling the tea earlier I told Xennie it'd be done in "like two seconds" but I dramatically underestimated the time, so I knee-jerk called out "Celebi?" not wanting to be a liar. And SHE SHOWED UP. Without a word, but obviously in on the "joke" of it, she put out her hands like she was stopping something and told everyone "now hold up, it's not another second yet" until I got the tea poured. Then she "let go" and said "see? two seconds." We talked with her for a tiny bit and it made me realize STRIKINGLY that she ISN'T "me" but she IS WHO SHE WAS IN ~2003, when JEWEL WAS "CELEBI" TOO. Their souls were strongly connected but they were DIFFERENT PEOPLE and they KNEW IT, deep down. And it's still clear today, between them. Like I IMMEDIATELY recognized that vibe from League-memory. But she couldn't stick around much because her vibe is still so unclear and unrooted; it has been AGES since she has had ANY active involvement in the System at large, probably not since the Jay days, and in THAT case there was LEGIT ABUSIVE TRAUMA GOING ON THAT INVOLVED HER. ...That's not something I look forward to revisiting in therapy. But it must be done. She has to heal, too. We ALL do, because that time period was HELL ON EARTH for the WHOLE SYSTEM. Good Lord the "Undertale days" in general were TERRIFYING. They're some of the memories I cannot look at yet because the residual fear surrounding them is THAT INTENSE. That was a VERY BAD TIME. And yet, despite all odds, there is still hope for a bright and shining future, because Celebi is still here, and what she incarnates is still real and pure and true and we CAN get that back. We CAN recover. There is always, always hope.

Even so. Hope exists within a very large temporal space by nature. It takes time, and effort, and struggle, and faith, and courage. It cannot be realized overnight and shouldn't be, even if it gets its roots down pretty deep in a moment. Right now I'm shaken up, like I said, and disturbed. I feel wrong after seeing some things that I wish I could have forgotten, things that at one point I DIDN'T REALIZE WERE SO PERVERSE and now, well. It's distressing. But... well. It's after 11 o'clock and there's someone I want to be with right now. That's my hope, my rainbow despite the storm. There is love, there is ALWAYS love, thanks be to God, no matter what happens. And that's all I need to get by.

11:11. Love you kids, too. See you around.

1002 mon 11:08 pm

went to the bank.
reading "do androids dream of electric sheep"
oliver worked.
couldn't stay awake, too depressed and tired.
went to bed at like 2am?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1003 tues 11:08 pm

BULIMIA MIRRORS SEXUAL TRAUMA= ONLY SAFE AFTER THE INITIAL SURGE HACK IS OVER!!! THIS IS WHY WE FEEL FEARFULLY OBLIGATED TO PURGE THE FIRST THINGS WE EAT!

"bulimia mirrors sexual trauma" note. what triggered this??

oliver worked.
stayed up all night archiving 2011.
finished going through spotify!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1004 wed 11:08 pm

jimmy johns. sandwiches. always enjoy them.
iscah fronted! ate all the cheese, no fear at all. god bless her

went to "the last word" bookstore. AWESOME.
saw deltora quest, animorphs, serendipity books, etc.
they also had sonic colors and sonic:tdb for ds. strongly considered getting them.
bought childhood fave vhs tapes, and a happiness journal

watched "faraway so close". HUGE impact on us.
"why can't i be good"
infi ghosting and cofronting to watch it; actually fronted at one point while we were eating and ended up eating a mushroom. hilariously shamelessly fitting that THAT'S the first earth-food ze's had. (eating hearts doesn't count; ze already does that upstairs) ze didn't mind, thought it was an incredibly interesting experience.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1005 thurs 07:53 pm

"Healing is a conscious effort."

#quote #this is hugely important #system healing #nothing truly good comes into our lives without pain #but pain too can be sweet #death too can be sweet #and true healing requires both #actively and consciously #we adore this aspect of our collective life #to be conscious of something makes it real #and that can be utterly terrifying #but once it is real you can touch it #and to touch is to brush life against life #revealing wordless doubtless truth #this is what we live for



07:57 pm

"For all the universes there are, this one was not enough, not for now, not for us. Somewhere in another, though. We are softer, we are kinder. To our skin, to each other."

-In that there that isn’t here, I allow myself to love you

#oh #this makes my heart ache in the way that matters #poetry #hope #for all our damaged fronters #and for all the other social rooted alters who think they own the place #our universe perpetually embraces yours #and our doors are forever open #come meet us #come join us #this is a softer loving reality and you are welcome here #let yourselves let go of the pain of that old universe #and fall gratefully into the arms of ours


11:08 pm

watching the food show while cooking and cleaning. oddly soothing bkg noise.
trauma dumping after seeing the pure beauty of japan winter woodlands.
jewel SOBBING. "wild thing" feelings. beast among men. unicorns.
needed to go to the park or something, just be outside.
band practice.
someone stole a lot of KND bars, and condiments.
got home, ate them all, got AWFULLY sick.
watched Dogma.
stayed up late?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1006 fri 11:08 pm

hack nightmares. felt horrible upon waking. totally disconnected from sense of self.
grocery run in the morning. felt awfully guilty?
thought food from last night was spoiled but it was actually bad hot sauce taste
ended up throwing it all out anyway. got really mad and depressed over it.
went picking pumpkins!
oliver made dinner. it was amazing. 
MASSIVE toxic fallout when we tried to eat bread.
someone tried to RUN AWAY and ollie stopped us on the porch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1007 sat 11:12 pm

went out with ollie today.

stopped at asian market. got a final moon cake, red bean buns. also matcha kitkats and seaweed and gingermints. also a kabocha squash! gotta let corvo actually eat some this time.

went uptown!
EVERYTHING WAS FOGGY AND AUTUMNY IT WAS HEAVEN. felt like our heart. like central city. utterly beloved.
kyo color taxi, kris/laurie umbrella pose, blue-realm lights, fancy bakery with macarons and suit dude, filigree chairs, trombone/drums street performers, lynne's "all star" joke, fashionable pretty people and tiny disney princesses everywhere.

stopped at a sushi place. talked to OWEN! felt his color immediately. like heavy smoke. soft but so dark.

the graveyard.
talking about sky burials and reincarnation. felt so alive among all the death. deeply happy oddly.
kissed right there on the sidewalk, felt like the most joyously-paradoxically fitting thing in the world

heavily panicky and dissociated on the ride home? why?
i vaguely remember someone eating the redbean buns but i dont know who. i know jewel Tried to but was pushed out. not healthy behavior at all.

cannot remember a thing once we got home. i think it was a rough night. have to ask oliver.
i'm so sad that we've been so off kilter and full of guilt/shame lately. why?
i guess it's at least something to learn from. heal from. grow. be better.

i know we went to bed early too.
good mood though. everything is always perfect at the end of the day. we never go to bed sad or upset. its impossible, being there with oliver and mason, everyone sleeping in the moonlight, warm and safe and quiet and worth everything it took to be here now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1009 mon 11:59 pm

oliver worked.

didnt sleep? went to food lion.
TRIED a few "new" foods for possible future use. no can do.
energy bars, pumpkin oatmeal, nuts.
and you know what? that's all LUXURY FOOD. it SHOULDNT be a staple in our diet anyway!!

woke up super late.
talked LEAGUEWORLDS!!

we made way too much rice & vegs, remember? BUT we tried super hard to eat them safely and succeeded almost flawlessly.
sitting and munching on seaweed and just letting our brain think about leagueworlds.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1010 tues 11:59 pm

INFI FINALLY FRONTED in the morning. it's been too long.
oskar kissed me.
wanting to kiss EVERYONE in their system. imagining that. in tears.

flawless breakfast. thank god.

went to amelies.
spiced cherry & smores macarons, autumn spice tea.
talked to oskar!!
lynne fronted for MOST of the time.
tons of color realm brainstorming. do our hues adhere to the dream world trio format???
harbor blue vibes at dusk? scary time. but CORVO IS OK WITH IT
made the mistake of buying desserts to take home. can't eat in the car or it becomes panic.

mason made food for ollie, we accidentally ate it, huge guilt response
made more for mason, he said it was delicious

aywas night. too exhausted mentally to do much else.
also tumblr reblogs! went through our drafts. good stuff.
taking that push to do things even when tired (like typing now) ALWAYS pays off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1011 wed 

12:03 am

#sky realms #aqua-sky intersection #realm intersections #sky-underground intersection #i'm wondering if ALL the color realms open into the underground at some point? #THAT'S an interesting thought


12:05 am

"Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me’s is me?"

In one way or another, any and all of them are. The potential is ever-present, ever-realized in that paradox of choice.


12:07 am

#heartspace #the earliest jewel-cores always create places like this #verdant and limitless and wild and beautiful #completely empty of people #green #rain #trees


12:11 am

"Excerpt from a book I’m currently reading, from a chapter on the very serious art of necromancy. "and sure, you could probably pursue success without a skeleton army, but where is the fun in that?""

#lime jewelcore #oh heavens this is 100% her #injokes #undead whistling boneless chickens #ironically #she says their skeletons are a separate army #welp #now she's thinking #what have we done


12:13 am

"life is suffering. it is hard. the world is cursed. but still, you find reasons to keep living."

#sheer love-driven determination #because we don't ever give up on each other #life is so worth living #in and of itself #suffering and all #after all look at what we were born from #the simple fact of our existences transmutes that very alleged curse into the deepest blessing #and that alone is reason to cherish this life we have no matter what #princess mononoke


12:18 am


#gif #cannon #before she splintered #notably those utility blades good lord #we can still FEEL this person in memory #but that feeling is hopelessly fractured #it's obvious that that person is not a single person anymore #nge #this episode haunts us to this day


12:40 am

"It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it."

#quote #love #this is so important #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #jump #we will catch you #and we need to jump too #everyone just jump for heavens sakes or we'll never learn to fly


12:47 am

“He often weeps because he can’t find the strength to love beyond fear.”

#quote #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #oh you precious things #you have the strength #if you keep looking for it thinking it is a lost thing it will remain so #take a deep breath and try your d***dest to just BE strong #even for a millisecond #i guarantee you #you will #if only for a millisecond #but that is enough #mustard seeds are still seeds #and virtue is not measured as such #it is as it is #and if you have it #you have it #tiny or not it is an infinite thing #and you do have it #i can feel it in you #i have faith in you #the size of the entire sky #the same sky held in your own heart #and nestled in that tiny seed #i promise you this #one day soon your weeping will be from profound relieved joy #believe this with all the hope you can muster #and i swear to you #every one of us will help you make it a reality #and remember


12:48 am

“Song will take us by the hand And lead us back to light.”

#quote #music #when in doubt turn on spotify #honestly music is profoundly vital to us #it facilitates healing and shatters deadzones #and of course there's that terrible beautiful truth #if you want to fall in love with someone just set them to music #no matter how dark life may get #song will indeed lead us right back to the light #instantly and honestly #we know this #please utilize it

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1011 love 03:08 am

(remembering the first night oliver kissed us. how we wouldnt even admit we were in love, as we couldnt recognize the feeling, and were terrified to even consider the possibility in any case.
now when he kisses us it feels like our mouths fit together. it's the strangest loveliest feeling. everything is effortless and full of such deep soft heavy true simple aching beautiful love.

infi keeps thinking about what their mouth tastes like. how i like it too. how we always have, for everyone, since childhood. how our family shamed us heavily for wanting to kiss people. to touch tongues. to touch at all. to feel heartbeats beneath our fingertips. to hear them, centimeters away from our lips. and all of it staggeringly pure and innocent and aching and ardently knee-shakingly significant even then. childhood desire. what a paradox. what truth. it defines us even now.

how our favorite thing in the world right now is staying up all night until we feel exhausted and hazy and swept up like leaves in the autumn wind, dusk-dawn hues washed over and within our seafaring ribs, as the sun rises and the air brightens... just so we can crawl into bed, with them. safe under simple black and mint covers, with light pouring in slowly behind our heads, wrapped up in their soft warm complete blissful body. hearing them breathe. the scent of their skin. the feeling of their heartbeat against our own. the trust, the silence, the joy. it's the most perfect feeling we can imagine.)




phone notes from today =

Creativity= no expected audience? "Waste of time;" stop own progress
"No mirrors;" no self awareness? Depression.

Missy & the stim jar
What is Bridget doing lately??

Kyanos' halo is braided DRIFTWOOD?
OLIVE BRANCHES??
It's Sterling silver and horizontal?
Zwei= was she a pseudo core??

ATLAS daemon name?? 

SPICED CHERRY, CINNAMON APPLE TEA= HEALTHY VERMILION!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


101217 06:40 pm

Hey kids, Laurie Uberich here. Got shoved out to front in solidarity with Kristanova here, as today's one hell of an "anniversary" date for us both. Kinda the opposite of a birthday.

Not sure how long it's been for him, but... for me, it's been 7 years since I... got this particular scar across my larynx. Seven entire fucking years. God damn.

Tell you what, though. As hellish as the memory is, the fact and reason why I survived is not. And that's what I've really gotta focus on today. That's the reason why I still wear this scar with fiercely aware gratitude. I'm alive because love is stronger than death.

Cheesy? Maybe, but who cares. The truth doesn't care about that. Neither so I. What matters is that it's true, and I'll defend that truth with every breath and every heartbeat I've got left in this life. Hell, it's the least I can do in return. And really? I wouldn't have it any other way.

To our whole damn System, friends and freaks and foes and forlorn, every last one of you-- I fucking love you. With everything I've got in me. That'll never change.

Kris, again, not sure what your side of the story is, but I'll tell you one thing-- we are all seriously glad you're still around, too. Edges and all. We love you too, y'know. So do all of yours. And that's genuine love, man. No matter what, it ain't leavin', and neither are we. Don't forget that.

Here's to being alive.

-L.U.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


07:57 pm


#harbor blue realms #this is a TERRIFYING vibe for us #which is why we thank god that this color now exists in our spectrum #that means that now it can he healed #now it can be loved for exactly what it is #system healing #harbor blue #color realms #realm vibes



1012 thurs 11:59 pm

band day.

picked up mason

someone stole mints and energy bars from the school again. that bleached white kid who can't understand that it BELONGS TO OTHER PEOPLE.
that person is working in scavenger mode, trying not to "starve," AND trying to "feel like part of humanity" by touching peoples lives in this way. in passing, unseen and unheard and undetected. but desperate to feel included.

went to jack in the box all together, actually ate a FULL MEAL and wasnt scared or anything. it was wonderful.

purposely unloaded the mints in front of ollie. wanted to get caught.
confessed EVERYTHING.
i cannot remember the conversation at all. i dont know who spoke, or about what.
but oliver said it was terrifying, how suicidal and depressed and numb and blind they were

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

101317 fri 11:59 pm

josephina's BIRTHDAY!! i know he fronted in the morning, when we were in bed. talked to oliver.

wore his outfit today! sequin skull top, skull flower shorts, bokeh leggings, yellow shades. only thing missing were his trademark jingle bell earrings because we don't own any.
also found and wore our beloved gold FISH NECKLACE from christmas about 15 years ago, if not more. i remember it was in a tiny box at the bottom of our stocking, when we were standing next to the tree (which was where ranndall's desk is now). it's also one of the ONLY actual "christmas present" memories we have at all, which is bizarre as we ADORE that holiday, but which makes sense because our mother always made christmas day a scripted filmed performance, and that = instant heavy dissociation and toxic socializing. ah well. can't complain. we had boss trees and we got some good presents over the years, like that necklace!
honestly we love that little fishy fish. we're going to wear him all the time now.

went to the witchy shop!
candles, altars, bat skeletons, gemstones, candles, oils, tarot decks, skulls, ouija boards, taxidermied butterflies, skulls made of sugar, the HEART VASE, etc. amazing place.
rio was out for a bit! totally enamored. "why didnt you call me out here sooner!" not mad, just wanted to see more of the place. we'll definitely go back one day, let him have a grand old time with his daemon. (it's a date)
left our old unicorn-bookmark ribbon on the community altar for sister symphorose. very significant gift-sacrifice. felt right.
we bought a "motivation" candle that was almost knife's color and smelled like me. same kind they sell at e.n., but a massively larger selection. good stuff.
oliver was showing us gemstones that had relevance to their system, like smoky quartz for owen. one of them was trolley resonant? i forget which, i apologize. and of course ollie himself resonates with labradorite, that gorgeous iridescent stone. i love that.

also went to the nearby game store, THEY HAVE VIRTUAL ON!!!!! also NiGHTS and the baten kaitos sequel and zone of enders and MEWTWO PLUSHIES. gosh it was awesome. games are so good.
also we adore watching and listening to oliver talk about games, especially n64 stuff as we never had one but it's his fave. man we just love being a part of his life now in every way.

the DOOR TO NOWHERE!
seriously we went walking past the game store and there was this storefront with blacked out windows, but when we walked around behind it there was NOTHING. just an empty lot, nothing but grass, and that door. we walked across it and walked through the door back out onto the sidewalk. it felt utterly unreal, like legit headspace. the grass under our feet felt like a dream, like dreams do for us-- wide awake and more real than the waking. it was amazing.
i know jewel fronted almost instinctively as soon as we set foot in that lot. that's her element, after all. endless adventure and wandering. the great infinitely undiscovered world. that's her, always.

did we stop somewhere to eat today? i can't recall. i don't remember eating at all today but i know we did.

anyway we set up the porch altar when we got home! it's gorgeous. we put our musical spheres on it, plus our catholic-pagan things, aha. blessed oil and impossible frankincense and studded crosses and legit thurible incense & myrrh. also some headspace things, like infinitii's salt bubble necklace, chaos' 2011 heart charm, the nosebleed bell, cupid's heart earring, etc. also our christmas candles even though it's almost samhain. it just feels fantastic. i love the whole concept of altars; we miss having one too. oliver lit a blue candle for opening (kyanos vibes!) and we burnt some holy wood, which smells divine. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1014 sat 12:09 pm

Morning talk
Triple, overload, Josh, blue girl!! unicorn!
Wild thing feeling. Running, woods, can't be games. Ripping off masks. Boyle party comparison. JEWEL CORES
"Who are you, alone? Then BE THAT"
"Not a stuffed animal." CORE DEATH= TOO WHITE!! no teeth or edges. NEED RED/BLACK.
plural vs single. Jayce chokehold. "PLURAL" CORE SHIFT?? everyone, not just one!
Cores vs frontrunners.
Unmet needs? PA vs here. Not belonging there. MAKE A LIST.
reclaiming the words: monster, beast, animal. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1017 tues 07:47 pm

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty – that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

#quote #truth #beauty #system healing #the definition of beauty is such a fascinating topic #its reality is purely intuitive and unquestionable #and thats why we love it #beauty and horror #are not mutually exclusive #we need to type about this


11:59 pm

Absolutely perfect day, God bless.
went to the sprint store, changed our phone number last night and apparently the phone needed to be reset before it would work.
dead gray fox on the side of the road.
2hr salad, while watching The good place. we LOVE that show.
Biscuits! best dinner we've had in AGES, because we all made it together and ate it together. bliss.
Tumblr on our phone. oliver asleep against our legs while mason played the ps4. so in love.
Anatomy coloring book, learning a lot. deep sheer joy at understanding our body more.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1018 wed =  11:59 pm

Pop tarts. good breakfast, then tried too hard and messed up badly.
really it was all motivated by GUILT. the pop tarts were for mason but "they MADE us eat so many pop tarts at umpc so we HAVE TO keep eating them!!" felt awful about it but "no choice." that is such a toxic mindset, it needs to stop

don't remember the rest of the day


phone note=
COLOR ASSOCIATIONS
Music, flowers, smells, textures, bugs, animals, tastes, styles, etc.



101817 dream

Time travel? Dead. Games in rafters. Flying.
Chelsea, blue? "beacon boy" alter. On diamew hill, talking to her w/ ollie
Watching play/musical in yard? Wolf deer cat bear thing.
Tv musical w/ grandpa, used a digital contraption to get special channel with it. Us trying to find it on spotify. M title, 2 words.
CHIDI and my lotus necklace, Seemed evasively suspicious of the charm? "Dark." Obviously unspoken indication he had spoken to INFI about it, didn't know what to make of it.
I asked "did ze flirt with you"
Confusedly flustered reply of "yes"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

101917 thurs  11:59 pm

Watched season 2 of the good place! amazing so far.
Massive salad.

Band.
Ahrima attempted to steal BUT the rest of us PROMISED we'd stop him. so we did. immediately evaluated motives; shocked to realize that we didn't actually want to steal!! just an old compulsion, miserable.
Massive panic-gratitude reaction.

Problem eating at home? Almost no memory.
we only remember listening to Ollie talk about the owls. treasured that.

Trauma dumping. About what?
Bed at 3. Very happy. 


phone note =

To help stabilize!
can't front, name hazy, faceless, etc.

• Kyanos
• Eros
• Amara

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


102017 fri =10:16 pm

trauma dumping in the morning. told ollie ALL the SLC stuff we had buried for years.

picked up mason, went shopping at target. good candles.
got sushi. ate tons of broccoli, tried everything.
stopped at harris teeter, got toothpaste and some vegetables. also a cookie for the kids.

Home, fixing phone. Roms.
Tried cooking dinner, blackouts. Panic attacks.
Got VERY sick.

Watching no man's sky. Resting. brain couldnt do anything but watch, no spoons at all. but we adore watching oliver play that game, it was good.

went out on the porch for a while together. barely conscious. i know there was a lot of pain, not sure who fronted or talked? but it ended on good terms. always does. we love them too much. same with ourselves. ultimately, always.

in bed, infi and i there, too tired to full front though.
oliver said something about "i'm still haunted" and infi just flooded with love. 



phone notes= 

• Yume nikki 0917

RAZOR & INFI CONNECTION????
• Both broke off Cores
• Red & black
• RAZOR TORE HIR OUT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

102117  07:41 pm

aisophiel
brown-haired "angel" evidencing when we look in the mirror. obvious "jayce bloodline" fronter fix attempt?
name immediate. overlay solid, but gauzy. could easily demanifest or solidify, depending on whether or not his anchor solidifies enough during this "embryonic" state.
but he's surprisingly aware even so. keep an eye on him, dont let anyone fade out due to neglect

anteros/ asteros?
"god of requited love" vs star-based similar term? also apparently this dude
possible core names. not sure. neither really "click" to the heart but they are still resonant.


090608 cherie died. keep the date, revere it every year

AHRIMA is the current "blind white" fronter!
REMEMBER THE UDNERGROUNDERS COMMENTARY ON THE INFLUTUSA JOURNAL
we havent re-read that entry in Years and it's about time we did

★ ORIGINAL JAYCE/INFLUTUSA BLOODLINE RESEARCH?????

JAY CORES =
GOLD/ WHITE/ RED CORE COLOR SCHEME?
HAIR VS SKIN VS EYES, ETC.

FROSTED GLASS???
CHRISTMAS GLOW VIBE??


+ "at soup" injoke today
(walking through store, dissociated hard in soup aisle-- too much data. so many cans. laurie shows up, baffled but concerned; "kid are you ok")

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

102117 sat  11:59 pm

morning name research.
put old passwords in computer.
shopping. walmart. awfully overwhelming, flashbacky. got produce though.
breakfast was flawless again, thank god.
just barely though? someone tried too hard? feeling like we ate something problematic. minor though.

showing oliver old sketchbook pages, photos.

tried to eat dinner, got horrifically sick. crushing nausea and stomach pain. ended up throwing up, miserable.

listening to old infi's theme ideas, and singing files.
uploading archives.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


102317 mon  10:53 pm

morning in bed,
talking to kris and kyo.

INSANE switching. feeling just how many frontrunners we have, most of them white.
feeling out the subtle vibe shifts, name variances, color harmonies.

trip to food lion and the library.

THUNDERSTORM.
elucidae creeping about again! good. glad he's sticking around, we need him.

baten kaitos!

biscuits for dinner. super good.

miserable, unfortunate binge.
someone tried to make grits/rice/eggs/livermush, but then added beans and we got REALLY sick.

awful depression all night? probably because we "messed up although we tried very hard"
that or eating flour.

took a night off though. just browsed tumblr. it helped a LOT.



phone notes =

WE NO LONGER HAVE "ONE MAIN PERSON" !!!
EVERYBODY RUNS THIS LIFE, NOT JUST THE ASSUMED CORE!

WHITE NAMES=
Adakias
Snowfall
Iridos
Ahrima?
Jayce/ Pinstripe?

PLUS GOLD=
Parahelion

PLUS RED=
Cupid?

PLUS RED & GOLD=
Poinsettia?
Anteros



SPINE IS HUGELY IMPORTANT AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN. GIVE HER MORE LOVE & ATTENTION!!

+"PSEUDO DAEMONS"???
+HEADSPACE SPECIES??
+DEIFIC THINGS, DIVINITY IN GENERAL??
+INNERWORLDBUILDING LIKE HIRAETH!!
+NAME OUR INNER WORLD
+LOTUS=COLLECTIVE HEART

CONTEXT TRANSITIONS
Day to night = outer to inner
Instant with technology.
BLUE???

How to ease transition; prevent jarring mismatch? Day during night dissonance

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


102517 wed   11:59 pm

woke up super late?

went out for sushi with ollie.
quick shopping trip to food lion as we're super low on groceries until the weekend.

don't remember much of today at all, we apologize.


phone notes =


Touching lives. Gold feeling.
Earl grey tea & white chocolate

Jessica bloodline
Iolite & ahrima took the phone call



"HEARTHFIRE"

HEARTSPACE= BOSCOVS LOBBY DOORS
INFINITE WHITE SPACE 2003???
UNDEFINED HOLODECK
LIMITLESS POTENTIAL BUT ONLY WITH A HEART TO REALIZE IT

BLACKSPACE PARALLEL??????

BASILICA & CATHEDRAL REVISITS!!!!
OASIS ROOM?? RAZOR SPIRE?? ETC.??
LEAGUELINK ROOM???

HEARTSPACE VS FLOATSPACE

LEON'S CATHEDRALS????????
WHY IS HE TIED TO HOLY BUILDINGS???
INDIGO POSSIBLE HUGE UNREALIZED RELEVANCE

LEAGUE + HEADSPACE COLOR MEANINGS, OVERLAP?
NAME FOR HEADSPACE!!!!!
PLANET FEELINGS; ALSO DW & COLOR REALMS
CENTRAL SKY VS DW SKY??????

THERE ARE HUGE OVERLOOKED PARALLELS BETWEEN HEADSPACE AND THE DREAM WORLD IN TERMS OF FUNCTION AND PURPOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

102617 sun  11:59 pm

terrifically sick in the morning, i remember.
we were so sad because we wanted this to be a church morning but our body was a mess.

virtually NO memory of this day at all



phone notes =

Nebula caves
Organ parallel areas BODY MAP

VERMILION REALMS???? FIRE???
BEETLES????

"PLANE OUT OF PHASE"
Vale of Shadows???
"Cast shadow walk"
Unicorns and druids? DND

PAPER PLATE HOLEPUNCH GATE

Rio's Ouija wall
My "moose" wall, too + BOYS & BUNNY????

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


102717 fri  11:59 pm

today ollie got CASH MONEY.
we made it. thank god. it was a tough two weeks but by golly what a weird blessing it was.
learning to trust. learning to be honest and open with fears and hopes and struggles and failings. being brave and admitting our faults and striving to be better. having a concrete REASON to get better. learning to love more.
our socials are learning empathy now. our socials are learning to relax into love now. we were forced to stop being obsessively fearfully "self-sufficient" and now we're softer and more caring and gosh. who would've thought that a sudden stint of poverty in a LOVING HOME could cause more gratitude than fear?
but we made it. now we have money again, and we can use it prudently and lovingly now. what a blessing.

breakfast was eggs on those little dinner rolls we got from the food pantry and OH MAN. it was wonderfully delicious, we really enjoyed it.

more stranger things. started season 2!

ollie went to dress rehearsal alone.
we planned to do leagueworld work but then someone PANICKED over the canned food and destroyed it all.
so much of it was flat-out trauma trigger stuff. we completely blackout binged as far as i can see. just treating ourself as badly as we would have back in PA. feeling obligated to repeat the pattern. terrified and miserable but feeling stuck.
collards, corn, beans, pintos, tomato soup. the smell of it immediately triggered panic dissociation. we instantly forgot where we were. it felt like a war zone. like dusty yellow death. i cannot remember anything

dear god. we are so sorry. why cant we seem to help this.

but we survived. we stopped and we went straight to the computer and thank god, it's over, it's over.
remember how some nights in PA we'd abuse ourself for up to 10 hours?? vomiting until our nose bled and our legs bled and the room spun and dipped and we couldn't breathe or walk or speak? i do. just barely. but it's enough.
guess what? that's over, forever. it's OVER.
today was rough, true, but we didn't lose ourself. we knew we wanted to stop, we recognized WHY we were struggling, and we stopped, and we now know. we learned. even if it was hell. we were allowed to leave hell, once we recognize we were in it, once we decided we didn't want to be in it, once we believed we didn't deserve to be stuck there, once we found the heart-guts to forgive ourselves out of it and start walking back to heaven instead.
what a blessing. what a blessing to be here, no matter what.



phone notes =

Time flies when you're in Love

TRICKSTER FIGURES
TRICKSTER POKEMON
SACRED CLOWNS
COURT JESTERS
BARDS
CHAOS THEORY?
LOKI

BLOODLINES=

JEWEL
Spinny???
Jessica
Cannon + INFLUTUSA???
Jayce
Jay?

WORK ON HEADSPACE JARGON/ CONCEPT FILE

SOCIAL LEVEL FUNCTION DIFFS
"INSIDE SOCIALS" VS "TALKERS"???

BLUE & GREEN RELEVANCE
CENTRE FOREST, SEED/FLOWER?!?!????
WTF UNIVERSE

HEART MONITOR (PHONE FEELINGS)

INCORPORATING THAT CHILDHOOD SACREDNESS INTO HEADSPACE

NAME HEADSPACE
NEW WORDS FOR SYSTEMS?
VS SPECTRUM (S???)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the end, the beginning = Oct. 29th, 2017 11:11 am



7 years ago today, we tried to end it all.

7 years ago today, we thought we were hopelessly lost.

Now, the doors to the future have been blown wide open.

Now, we have found a luminous road stretching on into infinite sunrises.

We are facing what truly lies beyond.

And this is eternally worth living for.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


geometric law and fluidity = 103017 12:06 am


"someone asked me to draw my entire angel headcanon really fast i don’t thINK THIS WORKED?? #i had a dream that ended in the words ‘We are geometric law and fluidity in one’ and it became my inspo #six wings one head long flowy robe and however many hands needed #fabric like nebulas and translucent /sphere/ halo so it’s a perf circle no matter where you look from #light it like molotov cocktail and boom angel from the book of amanda"
Of all the posts to survive from our old blog, I am joyously grateful that it’s this one. To this day, this is THE closest representation to how I feel at my core.
#jay's post #angels #oh my heart #honestly this is almost EXACTLY what my true overlay feels like #angelic and strange and tons of fire and feathers and flare #geometric law and fluidity in one #i adore this #this makes me want to weep from joy #trueforms #cores



07:06 am

"hey, i hope it's okay, but i read your dreamwidth and i had a question for you. what is the kinsara day? i don't think i've heard that word before. i think you're brave for writing out all of the grief you go through. thanks."

Ah, that was a reference to a day in 2012 when we met someone by that name. The entry written about it hasn’t been uploaded yet but it will be within the week.
In any case, of course it’s okay that you read our Dreamwidth; that’s why it’s online! And thank you deeply for the kind words. It’s tough to be brave some days, but we don’t give up on each other. That alone is all the courage we need.
You are always welcome. We hope our shared struggles and victories can help you in your own life, even in a little way.



11:24 pm

"sometimes, you just have to make it through the night. it'll be ok"

#to all our depressed socials #to all our trauma holders #to those of us still isolating themselves from love #hold on #hold on to our outstretched hands #let us hold you to our collective heart #itll be okay #we love you #there is always a sunrise #and we are here for you in every second until then #and every second after #youll make it through #you always have #you always do #we have faith in you #you are so much stronger than you realize #the night loves you too #let that soft shadow into your heart #befriend the darkness #and let fear be transmuted into love #undying hope #system healing #words

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


103117 05:53 pm


The Valley of the Shadow of Death, John Martin

#DUDE WHAT EVEN #chthonic realms #THIS LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THEM #headspace locations




103117 tues   11:59 pm

SAMHAIN!

Morning phone call.

Crisis AVERTED!

flawless breakfast. On porch! Vegetables, some spicy rice. Lovely.

Browsing dishonored Tumblr, tea. Ollie sleeping on our legs.

Set up altar. Candles and incense and names to burn.

HALLOWEENING!!
Wore a suit and a rosary and a wing jacket and a HALO of led-drop wire lights. So good.
Got SO much candy it was hilarious and wonderful.
So many lives we met briefly, we love them.
Fire pit, jump girl, dog dude, orange woman, loom girl, drunk moms, thankyou lady, porch duo, etc. Dogs everywhere. Decorations and warm lights all about. It was so so good. Everything we ever dreamed of.

Stopping by the lake with Owen. He felt like that dark water, the ripples from unknown movement within. The dark beautiful terrible mystery and grace. Us feeling like the stars above, cold and burning and brilliant and gorgeously unknowable and yet so heartfelt familiar. Stoplights. Constellations. Reflected in that dark water.

Hearing OWLS!! what a sound!
Also the green streetlight photo. So nice.

eating candy and HEARTS.
SACRED, sacred, sacred.
Touching them in the sink and weeping. So holy and intimate I could barely breathe.
That soft spot over the left ventricle. The deep red tendonae within. That organ smell.
God it was divine.
And then we got to EAT ONE oh lord. The taste, the feeling. Utterly unforgettable. The most resonant thing in the world. Our body has never craved something so sincerely before, honestly.
Infi and I ate it together, blissed and shaking with reverence, bloodied water running down our arms, cardiac muscle in our shared teeth. The taste of life on our tongue. God.
The center if it, pinker and softer and so warm, hits Infi so hard it's unreal. Its a tangible inner sensory memory. It's daemon stuff. And of course I'm half holyjackal now so of course cardiophagy is even more of my thing now too. Both of us lost in it. Afterwards feeling like waking up from a lucid dream. Geez.
Two more left, perfect, we've got two more holy days to celebrate.

Altar prayers and ritual. Ollie and mason and us. Talking about life and death, the sacredness of it all. Deeply moving.
Burning banishing coins, set out dumb suppers. Everything felt so right and good and holy and precious.

Dragons, salad. Tumblr talk. Love and missing us.

Perfect, perfect, perfect day 


phone notes =

"If we're not alive, who's going to honor the dead?"
Fundamental misunderstanding of dead people-- they WERE PREVIOUSLY ALIVE!! They weren't always ghosts!

 

I want my innocence back.
I want to be able to feel love that isn’t tainted by the fear of it “needing to be sexual.”
I/we have been used and lied to and manipulated for so long that those bad thought processes have some ugly thorny roots in our head, and I want them gone.

Love is pure. My love is pure. Jay’s love is pure, Infinitii’s love is pure, ALL of our love is pure, why the heck do people keep telling them/us that “if you truly love someone, you will want to have sex with them??”

No. It’s not that. True love means you want to be close to them. You want your HEARTS to be brought together, and even that is hard for me to say because of how intimate it is! (And I accidentally typed “infimate,” I think ze’ll appreciate that.)

I wrote about this before, how I’m tired of this grown-up sexuality thing. I’m still 13, I’m not interested in that, and I won’t ever be. But I feel sorry for Jay… he never got to be a kid like me; he’s 21 I think? Somewhere in his early 20s. But he’s not truly adult? His heart is very young I think. And he doesn’t love people in “that way either.”

But we have bad, bad, abusive introjects in our system that don't care about love at all, and that's the problem.
Jay gets so scared. So scared. I feel bad for him. That's why I'm trying to front more, I don't deal with the bad stuff, it gives him a break from worrying. But according to Laurie, those abusive introjects are trying to hurt me too.
Well I won't let them. I won't EVER let them.



--------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:41 PM

101815

- FIRST SNOW OF THE SEASON!!! Jay was psyched
- went to a concert at the old university. “Rhodes” came out? full name is rhodolite. “softer side” of cannon. Tied to the “formal concert occasion” vibe; still felt like she could be an artist though?
- went walking across campus with gen. Memories mostly tied to spinzor.

- ATTEMPTED RESET during concert, of ALL White holders, Infinitii, and CZ.
- not sure how it affected the white holders. Seemed to stick with infi and cz, NEEDS TO BE FOCUSED ON.
infi should be keeping the look extra-vertebrae got down from now on, with the iridescence, AND the dual eye + mouth on face. Lots of integrity there.
- cz LOSING THE RUBY in his innerspace self and it being replaced with a HEADSPACE CUBE JEWEL. All aqua too. makes sense as the ruby-resonance wasslipping for a while as his aquamarine self-fracture had it all instead

- cel was fronting at some point today I think?? Not sure. Her eyes are solid lime green now btw
- jay has a profoundly accurate resonance with the sound of harp harmonics. Realized that during the concert; he teared up immediately upon hearing them, thought “that’s me.” we managed to record the best ones (had a strong feeling to do so) so hopefully we'll be able to upload it eventually?


- wreckage in car talking to laurie. Sobbing, “what do we do,” worried about fronting situation, “why are there socials made to function in the outside world; I’ve seen it, we should have NOTHING to do with it”
- problems with white vibes??? Iridescence tied to “tumblr aesthetic” stuff and now viewed as too “ignorantly childish” and negative. Glitter is unsure. Rainbow light is still safe but it “needs to be kept pure;” wreckage recognized that the “pure hearted ones” are the ones that get targeted the most. But said jay SHOULD be our main fronter, he just had to not get corrupted by the outside; this awful unfairness made her cry again
- telling laurie to keep her color; “if you get lost then we’re all lost.” Said tons of other headvoices look up to her as a “guiding light”
- angry screaming sobbing voice on the way down. Hurt the voice a lot. She kept sobbing on the drive down, laurie told her just keep driving, someone was relying on us. Person said “it wasn’t fair” that if the body died (to free us) then we all died? “why can’t we just start a new game together in a body that SHE isn’t in” etc.

- jay fronting in the kitchen after all this, said to laurie that he was “perfectly happy” just to be alive in that moment. After everything else that evening we needed that, desperately


- no hacks, no sickness, although we did have to purge what someone tried to eat. But we’re actually rather okay.
- computer setup irritating wrist but it does seem to be healing.

- injokes of the past few days have been great:
1) jay talking about how he felt more angelic physically, like "something out of the book of revelation," what with all the eyes and wings and such. laurie joking that if the prophet john ever saw him we'd get "the book of revelation 2: the sequel" and that it would open with john essentially saying "you are not going to believe the sh*t i've just seen"
2) genesis pronouncing "cornichons" hilariously wrong after seeing a bottle of them in the store, did this all the way home, i was cracking up
3) pill bottle in kitchen caught the light and was exactly leon's indigo color. it was vitamin e. laurie said this was "vitamin excellent" and that explained why both leon and nat were such cool dudes

- forgot to mention. the other day at work, kyanos was ATTACKED BY JEZEBEL in headspace?? she was mocking him for having "no weapons" and was demanding he defend himself or else. i think he ended up taking off his branch crown/halo thing and using it almost like a discus or chakram, used his feathers as throwing darts almost (they came off almost glassy?). not sure. but he was very scared, rather desperate, i know some other centralites showed up and saved him but it was scary.
- also. sylvain has an inner form now!! he's no longer a faceless social. maybe because he's been out so often lately in succession with internal people, his vibe is solidifying. david was comforting him about something he was scared of, suddenly realized that david is a year or two older than sylvain. he has aged slightly so that is interesting too.

 

Okay, really quick, things that happened today.
(Jay and Jewel updating together as usual.)

- Absolutely insane therapy session. Laurie, Knife, and David were ALL trying to front. Sherlock did for a moment, Knife said "get him out." I (Jay) was there for a little bit, but mostly it was the "empty me" that we're thinking is a splinter?? (Remember Fragment?) David did a lot of talking, the therapist paid special attention to him, that made him really happy. Mulberry was around, she contributed to inner conversation, I think Jeremiah was hanging around too, silently. Knife DID front for like 20 seconds at the end (he couldn't stay because it involved casual speech and he has no clue how to do that yet), but he had been trying to get through for a great deal of the session beforehand. I mention that because at one point during that effort, the current fronter tried to push him out, but when they did I FELT him "reach out" and literally pull himself back into fronting, like holding onto land in a strong water current. That shocked me, even as an observer, because I haven't tangibly felt energy in headspace in a while, but wow that was clear.
Also very important, I noticed someone specific was fronting at one point that was NOT Sherlock or a social, they were watching us upstairs and giving a very accurate play-by-play without censoring or intellectualizing it? I tried to recognize their energy, and you know what, the closest match was THIS PERSON. I'm not saying it's the same voice, but the energy was close. It was that kind of hard yet respectable seriousness. So that was interesting. (I'm kind of curious about all these guys now, especially since we're seeking unity again; work with Knife and see if they want to manifest so we can work with them.)
As for therapy points (because I usually forget them by myself but Knife and Laurie paid attention this time)... we discussed how David was scared of "me," the way hacks bleed over into headspace even if I try to ignore them physically, the day Mulberry manifested (the car accident), the compartmentalization of reactions and emotions into people, David's strong fear reaction to the word "nurture" revealing that we learned to associate "motherly behavior" with "conscious malevolence" as a child, due to my mother's spiteful attitudes, and . I also have a personal memory of feeling "cut off" from headspace and not being able to hear people, until I said something stupid and Laurie literally "ran over" to me and started shouting "that is nonsense," calling everyone else over in her anger and refusing to let me continue in that train of thought. Actually she was calling us out on nonsense/ stupidity/ garbage/ etc. quite often during the appointment; I must have been slipping badly.
One VERY important thing I want to note is that, when Knife and Laurie were literally trying to shove through into fronting, and the current fronter was trying to "shove them back," it didn't manifest entirely as a headache. Yes, there was one, but most of the pain was focused in the heart center, which strikes me in hindsight as very significant. Hacks don't feel like that; heck, most fronting doesn't! But those two kept trying to talk, and they kept moving into that area, instead of just the head. I need to tell whoever the numb-fronter is, don't forbid those two from talking when they want to. I don't care if Laurie swears and is brutally honest, or if Knife is stiff and overly formal. I don't care how "socially jarring" they are. That is NO REASON for the AP and/or the buffer to try and shut them up. Same with David. He's a scared kid, and if he wants to cry or speak up for himself in the body, LET HIM.
After the session (which Jay was barely present for downstairs obviously), we all agreed that we need to do what Cameron West did in that book of his we all love... we need to take time every day, and practice fronting. All of us. We need to start slowly tearing down the walls that the AP and the socials have built out of misguided self-protection and fear, so that we can all live honestly and openly, together. It won't be easy, that's obvious. But we're trying.

- On that note we've all decided, in a bit of childlike simplicity, to start up that "blc bead" project we planned months ago: we were all going to find beads of our personal colors, and string them together onto a necklace or something, just to have a tangible reminder to hold on to at all times. Knife also said we could use that to indicate who is trying to front during therapy as well, if we can't talk or get through all the way. I think that's a good idea.

- Laurie drove for a bit on the way home, so did Zwei (they were joking with each other for a while about singing; Zwei said the difference was that she was supposed to sing when she was out, that was her top job) and Jewel, for a tiny bit. Laurie reiterated the importance of us "being able to live our own physical lives without losing our actual inner selves," something we all struggle with thanks to dysphoria and mistranslation and the like. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the fact that we exist, that we are alive, even if it's all in one body. So she drove for a bit, but then we needed to stop the library and Laurie laughed that she was "not going to go through that again," saying that people were "scared of her" because of the way her energy translated (it's sharp by nature). To that, Knife asked if he could try then? Laurie said sure, so she handed over the reins, and Knife went to the library. I'll say this-- he anchors shockingly well! Whereas Laurie has a lot of trouble anchoring her self-image onto the body, Knife does so effortlessly. When he fronts, you can feel his cape trailing, and his long hair, and his fangs. So he was able to hold that strongly right up until the service desk, when of course we had to talk, so boom: instant AP. Knife apologized again, because it's a common trouble to not know how to interact with humans but it's still frustrating. Laurie said that was fine, and complimented him on how well he had actually fronted regardless. So that was cool. I don't know who drove home, that whole thing is a blur, I can barely access data memories of it. It might have been a disconnected social. Either way I won't worry about it.

- Possibly the most important thing of today: we had The Dear Hunter's "The Color Spectrum" album on while driving home at the start (obviously), and surprisingly, Laurie skipped to Indigo instead of Violet, saying "why the hell not." But then she suddenly said that, if Leon could hear her, wherever he was and whatever condition he was in, then she wanted him to try and front, or at least manifest somehow. After declaring that she "backed out" a little bit, but projecting what she remembered of Leon's energy into the music, and after about 20 seconds she suddenly laughed, raised a hand to her forehead, and incredulously stated, "that's not my hair." Literally as soon as she said that she was "phased out" of fronting entirely, and I swear, LEON WAS THERE. Not completely of course-- the AP was still driving the body, but Leon was there as a sort of overlay, consciously, but faintly. I can clearly remember that the body was feeling not only his signature emo-bangs hairstyle, but also his anorexic thinness (that kind of worried me; he hasn't been that thin in a long time), and-- to my surprise-- his silver scales-of-justice necklace. I wasn't aware he still wore that, but there it was. He had his eyes closed (energetically), but he was tangibly reaching out to the music ("What Time Taught Us") and the lyrics... "be alive, cause nothing lasts for good, or like you thought it would"... focusing only on existing, even in that small sense. When the song ended he lost the link for good and couldn't stick around, but that was significant! It seems that most "dead" or de-manifested headvoices get their energy stuck in the raw realms, and if you give them enough of an anchor to hold on to in solidified headspace, they can "pull themselves out" of it. I think that's how Lynne came back to us (although I still don't know how she got so bruised and hurt; Laurie has had her all bandaged up for about two weeks now), and it's also how I got myself anchored back into headspace after the initial Scratch. The real trick is finding people in that miasma of white energy: the Central people might still have rudimentary forms, but when Javier was still in pre-existence, he was basically just a collection of energy that matched his "soul resonance" if you want to call it that. Totally non-corporeal, intangible, only observable if you could tune into his vibration. He unfortunately seems to have de-manifested completely after the reset, but I don't want that happening to the Central people we are still struggling to find again (Spine, Nathaniel, Emmett, Waldorf, and Leon: Jo keeps blinking in and out, and Lynne is manifested again). Laurie agrees with me that this needs to be a big effort from all of us.

- Genesis showed up when I went apple-picking, I literally just surrendered to the reality of his presence when he showed up, ignoring the instinct to doubt and ignore. As a result we had SO MUCH FUN, it was as if he had never left. As usual we ended up making a sort of game out of the situation, which Laurie admitted she was watching "and laughing to herself" after we accidentally spilled half a bag of apples on a slope, and Genesis jokingly said "the bugs are getting revenge for us taking the top pickings." The whole thing was so funny that we all ended up laughing by the end, I hope this stays an injoke (like the millet incident) because it was great (Silly notes: the yellow apples are "hard mode," God tier apples are sideways, demon bugs take points, bonus points if you don't disturb birds nests, apples on the ground are the "tutorial level" but Laurie said "that's only if you're a deer, and you're not a freaking deer so start picking those apples").
HOWEVER. As soon as Genesis showed up, I asked him where he had been, and he said, "in Parnassus," his native world. I said I hadn't seen him there, and to that he replied, "what timeframe are you looking in?" As I considered that, though, he said something even more incredible: he wasn't the only one staying there. Xenophon and Chaos were there with him, too. Gen said that Chaos was still having a hard time adjusting to the sudden and jarring switch in his life situation, but he was dealing. Xennie was doing better, thankfully. I keep getting weird vibes that she's changed, appearance-wise, possibly because of the huge energy shake-ups of the resets (she reacts to those). But I don't know, I haven't seen her in months. Anyway Gen said that he and Laurie both agreed that no other outspacers were allowed back into headspace before we had things settled out and stabilized; it was too dangerous otherwise.

- Genesis and I really wanted to try the apples (or, as we said, the "top pickings") when we got home, and Laurie good-naturedly said we could IF we asked Spice first. I agreed, and in an instant of intuition (that I haven't used in ages), I "sensed out" Spice's energy and then warped us all to her. She was in either a small manifested pocket of raw headspace, or somewhere in midspace-- it looked vaguely like the hallway in our physical house, but it felt floating, and on a low level (not quite underground, but still "under the ground," if you get the picture?). Either way she looked morose and hollow, and I felt bad, so I clearly explained that we wanted to try the apples, but ONLY if she was okay with it. She looked a little scared and said that would hurt, I said then we could just have the juice from them instead of eating them, as I know that caused her pain. I think around here Laurie spoke up, because I clearly remember her telling Spice that she was the protector of all of headspace and its inhabitants, including her (Spice). Spice said well, what if a fellow headvoice was hurting her (obviously referencing me)? Laurie smiled wryly and said that if I was "going to act like an asshole" and make such a stupid decision, then yes, she'd still protect Spice from me. No playing favorites, you know. Either way I was personally moved by this show of kindness from her, and reassured Spice that I was no threat to her; I just had problems with identity slips. Laurie reiterated that that's why she was backing me up. Anyway Genesis and I got the go-ahead, the apples were absolutely INCREDIBLE, and Spice didn't get sick. So everything worked out for the best.
Oh, also. Spice expressed a fear that we all have and tend to overlook... the sad but real fear that, since so many of us were born from trauma and/or pain, and our original roles were so strongly tied to that... would we still exist, would we still be real, if our roles changed so dramatically? If Spice was manifested specifically to buffer and combat the awful pain we would get from food, but she doesn't want to deal with so much pain anymore and neither do any of us, would she still be able to live if she "let go" of that initial anchor? Honestly all we can say is "yes, IF you find a new anchor." I still say that's why we lost so many people in the resets; our anchors just wore out. It's why so many of us keep slipping now (notably Sugar), and why those with new anchors (notably Knife) suddenly gained a massive increase in stability. To be blunt, Knife is still tied to his original retributive function, but he's moving out of it a bit more day by day. So we're going to help Spice do that, once she decides what she wants her new role to be. And it can be anything. Like Laurie said, we all deserve to live and be happy, and we all deserve to live. If we choose our new roles with that in mind, for the purpose of health and growth and unity, then we'll all be fine.

- Last thing I need to record; Infinitii said something to me when I got home, about the hacking problems we've been having? He hasn't been around much lately, and when he is, he either looks sick or he stays off to the side and doesn't talk or move. However, it struck me that when he was talking now, he was talking WITH HIS WINGS, which was a good sign: I've realized that, like me, Infinitii actually manifests "slippage" or hacks that can be detected if you watch, and the biggest one is his having both an eye and a mouth on his face (he should only have one or the other normally). Every single time he's had both, he's been under Tar influence. Anyway, I know he was responding to Laurie, because she had rebuked me for going into "numbness mode" and cutting myself off from everything, in order to survive hacks? I literally "detach from reality" and kind of shut down, not caring whether or not I get hurt, because to feel or be aware of the situation would be too horrifying. (As I mentioned earlier, that sounds a LOT like my old splinters, so I will look into that.) But Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men. Isn't that tragically ironic though? We both treasure life so much, that we're willing to sacrifice anything just to keep existing, even if it's an empty, battered existence. That's not right. I need to somehow work closely with him again, without putting either of us in danger... my head just sent me a spark, "the red will help." A balance, somehow. It's a thought.


That's all I can remember right now; I haven't eaten much today and that's messing with my concentration, so let me take a break and do that. I have a lot more work to do later, but since we have another session on Thursday I will put aside some time for headspace in between all of that.
See you!

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 1:06 am

 

superquick update for the evening before i forget in the morning.

- had to drive bro to get printer ink, we quietly sobbed over not having pokemon x&y for a while haha. however we stopped at the local kmart to see if his friend was there, i stayed in the car, it was about 7:30 pm so it was dark and quiet out and with the day so far i was thinking of infi? wondered what it would be like if he were there, i'd like to spend time with him. so i called him in, he ghosted for a bit, i remember jokingly commenting that "if he were physically here i'd be snogging the hell out of him right now." he giggled at that, asked why i didn't do that anyway, i could go into a projection of the car in headspace and that would work. i paused, considering that, but then said that i didn't want to accidentally slip out of awareness? after all since pink energy was damaged, anything intimate or romantic or whatever is potentially a hack waiting to happen. (continue; we didnt do anything but it was beautiful just to have him around; insights on the oddly childlike "detachment" to our relationship that makes it perfect)

- WE ALMOST GOT HACKED BUT I OUTSMARTED HER. Julie kept trying to sneak into my head, but I held my ground and pointed out that her methods were shallow and useless, after doing this for about 20 minutes i think, she got angry and distraught to the point where she started screaming "i hate you" and refusing to even try to hack me anymore. surprised i asked why, what did i do? she said i was "taking all the enjoyment" out of her sexual addiction, since i tend to look at it from a super-logical asexual perspective of course. to me it's just distasteful and disgusting, and she hates when i don't let her overwhelm me with old doubts and fears to her benefit. anyway the MAJOR event of this was that, after telling me that I "ruined it (sexuality) for her," she immediately added that "it's what she turned back for"??? I asked her what in the world she meant, she realized she had let that slip without meaning to, then sighed loudly and spat out that SHE CONSCIOUSLY ABANDONED THE PINK SLOT IN ORDER TO GO BACK TO THE TAR. seriously. that is insane. she literally threw ALL her progress with us out the window, because she loved her addictions more. and she didn't care how the Tar used her, or anyone else, as long as she got to do whatever (and whoever) she wanted, whenever she wanted. but now that we were smarter and stronger, she was losing all her power over us, it was getting tougher by the day for her to hack any of us. and that's the only thing she gave up her second chance for, was the opportunity to go back to using us for her own desires. so yes, i was in shock hearing this, pretty heartbroken too. but julie said she flat-out didn't care. then she stormed off, but didn't leave entirely. she was still lingering around hoping for another opportunity. well she actually got one. but it again worked out in our favor.

- i will admit i was slipping at this point. i needed to restabilize and somehow clear my mind, unfortunately the hack attempt was pushing me into dangerous territory, so against my own better judgment, who did i run to? yes, infinitii. the one other person upstairs who can and does get hacked as severely as i do. and julie was in the room. so yeah, i was kind of scared, but i was determined to set the record straight somehow, and perhaps unwisely, to continue to show julie just how wrong she was. but... unwise or not, it was enlightening.
(julie kept trying to push us too far, as infi and i are both volatile energy that was scary (especially for infi, he gets knocked off center quick). but i kept pulling him back, and vice versa. the most notable bit was that, suddenly i noticed that although julie was honestly forcing herself on us energetically, i WASN'T getting trauma flashbacks or reactions? instead my body was reacting like it would to a connection; there was this tangible sort of ache in my heart center, almost a yearning sort of thing, hard to explain. like reaching out with it. so when that happened i told infi, seriously just let me hold you for a second, don't even do or say anything. and we'd get like that and the hack attempt would break and julie would start screaming but really, i wouldn't even be fazed, i was just happy in that way that's a moment away from heartbreak. so that repeated, with me realizing that julie really was not even able to reach us at one point, and when that happened i got enough lucidity to completely break everything off, infi too, and we got the hell out of there. what did we do next, well of course, we ran straight to laurie!

- needed to exercise so did 40m on the gazelle, but ended up going into headspace almost immediately, infi and laurie and i just hanging out in neutral headspace trying to get a grip. explained everything i just told you, then laurie said "julie needs to get out of that slot" officially, and asked me to warp us to the spectrum room.

(CONTINUE!! guardian voice, leon, new room, importance of unity, etc.)