120622

[prismaticbleed]

(written on 120822; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)


December 6th, Tuesday. Yesterday!
3936 steps on the pedometer.
I know for a fact we were out with mom.
...

CCM meeting, rosary on the phone

"religiously psychotic, psychotically religious"

walmart payment-error BREAKDOWN

mom lost the car

...

Breakfast at 11am, the earliest one in a while. 100% average.
Cinnamon tea today.

Dinner at 18:30 though!! That's typical for a day with mom; she doesn't eat and spends so long on the road. SO we were stressed out and starving.
...I see so many warning signs here. Again, I apologize for talking a lot about the food lately, but it's because we STRUGGLED SO MUCH this past week, what with stress affecting our diet and schedule, and so we NEED to be honest and analytical about our response to that so this DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
So. In the log, we tried our new tea, but we had cottage cheese, sunchips, and four fortune cookies as well. So we were "pushing calories" to "make up for" not eating all day, and that inevitably triggered a panic-binge. Oh yeah, and I think we had the "salted caramel" flavor yogurt? Which we keep trying because mom likes it and the concept reminds us of Genesis? But for some reason it's TRIGGERING? and we ALWAYS end up freaking out and purging it. Again, I don't know why, but it's happened like THREE TIMES so no more of it, Spice or someone make a note of that please.

...


TWO SETS OF LIGHTS burnt out this morning. Just like last time. We took it as "divine warning" and it made us very unstable to start the day.

We got extra red lights for the tree, as Xennie wanted! 


...

I spent like an hour before bed reading some IDW Sonic comics, because I really want to get into those but have no means or money to purchase them.
But they NAMED A BEETLE AFTER ME and she is the CUTEST THING OH MY GOSH. It's uncanny, too, how much she's like me, to be honest -- on the Sonic Wiki, it says, "Jewel is a well-mannered person with a bright sense of humor and a passion for both minerals and organization. Whereas Tangle is reckless and loud, Jewel is more reserved and cautious. She is also a bit timid and does not like violence, but is still ready to help others as much as she can, sometimes at the risk of her own well-being. However, she easily succumbs to stressful situations, which makes it difficult for her to concentrate and leaves her in need of emotional support."
I know that in headspace I can be more like Tangle in this respect, especially when I was younger-- BUT in the bigger picture AND in how I admittedly live and act in the waking world... yeah, Jewel and I are very much alike, haha. SOMEHOW I'M NOT SURPRISED. We like minerals and organizing things, we have good manners (Lord knows I do my very best), we are always willing to help others even if we push ourselves too hard to do so... even the bit about a sense of humor I have to recognize in myself, because I DO have one, I just... never admit it.
Reading about her is... actually helping me come to terms with my physical personality, really. I don't like being so reserved and cautious and timid, because I know a LOT of that is because of trauma, but Jewel here holds those qualities without a negative cause and they're not flaws. And I need to see myself in that same light, realizing that even if deep down I WANT to be more fiery on the outside, it's not bad to be quieter and careful, especially since my life history and experience have REQUIRED me to act as such for my own safety.
But yeah, I absolutely have LOTS of trouble with stress too, dear. Still, I wouldn't mind being her emotional support if I could. I'd do my darndest, that's for sure.
Oh, and she wears a pink dress suit/skirt AND her carapace is iridescent. YOU CAN'T GET MUCH CUTER THAN THAT. 
(chaos is giving me such a knowing grin. "are you gonna kiss the bug," UM MAYBE POSSIBLY EVENTUALLY)
On THAT note, apparently there is a squid character in IDW and I don't know much about her other than that she's a pirate and works with Eggman at some point but she is SO FREAKIN PRETTY ;_____;
Aaaand there's a villain that's an octopus and he's got this skeletal vibe to his design and he's gorgeous but aaaagh it's so hard working with villainous potential-outspacers. It takes a LOT of dreamwork and even League-pushing to get them to open up and chill out, and some of them don't, and that's why some outspacers never actually anchor-- their personalities are too rough or incompatible TO stay without a MASSIVE identity shift. I mean it is possible, but typically only in individuals who ARE ALREADY capable of dream access and/or "altered states" in which I can personally pull them into heartspace scenarios and let the Spectrum atmosphere do its job. Nevertheless... villains, man. Alien villains. They're TOO FLIPPIN' GORGEOUS and yet they can be so hard to handle. It is a LEGIT labor of love, working with them. But "no one is born evil," we always remember. Everyone has a centerpoint of their heart that is just as clear as anything, and it's my job AS the Cor(e) of the System to ILLUMINATE THAT. But I've really gotta be dedicated, to do so. I can't just grab some random baddie off the streets; there needs to be some resonance with MY heart, first, or they CAN'T be an Outspacer in the System that's a ineffable part of MY SOUL. What that resonance might be, I won't know immediately, let alone whether there is truly one. But if there is... well. Then they're fair game, haha. And I'll jump on over into their world and see what happens.
...As to why I'm rambling about this, I have to sheepishly but sincerely confess that often what draws me to a potential Outspacer is their vibe, which on the most immediate level is aesthetically based. I mean honestly, even as a kid, when I'd make "lists" of characters that WOULD have been "Outspacers" if the System had been active back then... there are apparent patterns and themes. Our psyche magnetizes certain personalities, it seems, and those personalities typically do have "tells" in how they are visually portrayed and presented, which give an immediate "snapshot" of what sort of person they are-- they "look the part," for the most part. It's a subtle but reliable form of symbolism, really. So when I SEE a character and know nothing of their in-depth canon context & personality, but their looks and implied characteristics are OBVIOUSLY compatible with our System vibe and my personal resonances in some way... well, it's not something I can reject. If I FEEL a "draw," it's something I should act upon, in some way. I can't just ignore it; that's dishonest to whatever in my own heart is doing that.
Aaaaaand the entire world knows that I have such a weakness for cephalopods, God only knows why, but it's why Davy is now in the League and it's why I'm swooning over Abyss and Mimic for heavens sakes they're GORGEOUS WTF.
But they also have that awful, frustrating "curse" of so many villains, which is... canonically, they're written as the scum of the earth. Where are their redeeming qualities? What's their real backstory? WHY do they act the cruel way they do now? Often that data doesn't exist, because they're not supposed to be "pitiable" or empathized with; they're the "bad guy" and that's the bottom line.
Like... yeah, I look at Mimic and I can see someone like him easily being an Outspacer, BUT canonically I have no access points. He would be a HECK OF A TOUGH JOB to bring into headspace because I can't find any footholds as far as lightpoints go. This poor dude is written as a manipulative, cold-hearted, malevolent liar but the dude is MY AGE; what was his life like as a teen, when he was as young as the heroes are now? What made him the troublemaker he is now? See, THAT'S how I start with Outspacers. I want to get to know them, as COMPLETE people, not as paper-thin caricatures... because honestly I can empathize with their situation, in a raw sense. I wasn't always such a freak, either. I've been a genuine monster at times and I could be MUCH worse but darn it I refuse to be and I fight like fire to be a GOOD person because I KNOW I can be the bad guy in a heartbeat. But I won't be, as long as I have a heart in me. I choose not to be.
...Chaos 0 and I talk about this topic a lot. It's a huge part of what brought us together initially, after all, especially in the Sonic Inversion "AU."
But now I'm like... genuinely angry that Mimic looks like he could have jumped out of my brain but he's... such a troubled guy. He's crowing callous cliches like "friendship is a weakness" and "heroes become martyrs [but] professionals stay alive" and he's obsessed with prestige and riches but WHY. What made you such a remorseless mollusk. He's apparently a "trained soldier" but if THAT'S the biggest factor, just how much hell do you have to go through in a war for it to eat you alive like that? What is your ultimate goal, really? What are you after? What hole in your heart is making you so ravenous for power and control and invulnerability?
...Forgive me for speaking so audaciously but I want to break him. I want the light to get into him somehow and he's gonna have to crack for that to happen. If his heart is made of stone I'm gonna take a hammer to it. THAT'S my secret job in the System. Everyone likes to joke that I'm a sparkly-eyed goofball wearing pink sunglasses indoors and all that but really, deep down I'm blood and fire and glass and I'm crazy, too, remember? The truest parts of me are RED, and all that goes with it. Higanbana and bloody noses and cinnabar and hollyberries. But so is this rashness of mine. I jump into these things too quickly, too totally. I see a skullfaced sea creature with a terrible attitude and I want to knock some sense and sensitivity into him and I have the ridiculously naive guts to assume I'm capable of it. And yet ironically that's been a strength of mine, in the history of things-- that brightly burning conviction despite all odds or common sense, that there's always hope, that the damage can be restituted, that even you can change... pun intended in this specific case.
So, although I am indeed rambling rather boldly here, I cannot go into this blind; that would be reckless as well as disingenuous. I am going to HAVE to read the comics thoroughly to get a legit grip on him as a person. Then... who knows? I already have solid Links in the StH universe already-- being this much in love with one of the keystone 'antagonists' of the series will do that-- so I am sure I could sneak on in there fairly easily, if I decide I want to try to redeem an octopus or smooch a beetle. We'll see.
(I'm giving him his own tag anyway, already. His existence is pulling at some particular heartstrings and I'll be a liar if I just sit here and ignore it.)

By the way I forgot to tell you guys BARRY is hanging around again and yes he's behaving but keep him away from the knife drawer, haha.
(The day he showed up again, he saw Chaos 0, and the two just stopped dead for a second staring at each other, then Chaos pointed at him & yelled "SKELETON MAN" and Barry pointed back & shouted "NO-SKELETON MAN" and that was it, God bless ancient injokes it was the best thing)

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(continue)