prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with barry

Late wake up. Looking up ember days.
Jade call late too. DISTRAUGHT. Mom & Lou trying to 302 her??? Actively conspiring. I was shocked because mom made it sound like she was meticulously hiding Jade from Lou???

Jade came up, grief-ranted for a while about all this unjust prejudice & malice against her, the threats of literal violence, the total lack of compassion & NO DIALOGUE WHATSOEVER.
We kept our heart & mind wide open.
DID PICK UP ON CUES & HUGGED HER. Actually brought us to tears too. (Our emotions are working RIGHTLY here, thank You God. Genuine selfless concern will do that bro)
Praying for her a great deal. Gonna offer up all our usual ones today for her. Asking for online intercession too.

BK prep during Jade shower so System communication was muffled. We watched the daily Mass from Ireland instead! The priest actively acknowledged the online watchers throughout the globe which was really sweet. He had a very personable way of saying the Mass, too, with small yet tender comments added in to draw you in more deeply & personally. It meant a lot.

After prep, when washing face= "Gatekeeper" girls complaining about Outspacers again. Realized that's a "survival" resistance; "system vs league" takes all focus & mental energy.
WHY DO THOSE GIRLS ALWAYS SPEAK UP WHEN WE GET FLASHES OF BODY AWARENESS???? Is their entitled & rejecting attitude TIED to that???

Adelaide concerned about function trouble? She's constantly being pushed out by heavy depersonalization. She was meant to OVERCOME that; has that been deemed unwise, or even disturbing to the point of being a threat to wellbeing?
⭐ PROPERLY DIFFERENTIATE JARGON = functions slipping, failing, fading, breaking, shifting, ALSO colors graying, sliding, etc. WE NEED THE RIGHT SPECIFIC LANGUAGE TO BE ABLE TO TRUTHFULLY DISCUSS SUCH SPECIFICS.

Kyanos & Sergei are still briefly & faintly but really present during pre-BK prayers!

Accidentally froze broccoli & eggs. 😂 Remembering yesterday though, God transmuting failure WHEN WE ACTIVELY PUT IT IN HIS HANDS WITH TRUSTING SURRENDER. Being nonchalantly "laissez-faire" about it-- like "ah well, let God do whatever," and NOT PRAYING OR ADMITTING UPSET-- is just apathetic pride wearing a different mask. You have to BRING IT TO GOD SINCERELY.
"I know You made this happen for a reason. Please help us to rest in that reason and not complain, because although Your plans may remain unknown, they are always trustworthy. May we always cooperate with them for Your glory."

VOTD vid had a GREAT reflection (Psalm 34:4-5) =
(Review; "your strength is joy in the Lord," God removing our fear which in and of itself removes obstacles? Etc.)

Also the kid's devotional (Mark 8:35) was SPOT ON.
Denying self & take up cross defined POSITIVELY???? total game changer. VERSUS our extreme ascetic tendency. Said its more about living LOVE in truth than mortifying WORKS for themselves.
Here, let me quote it because it was THAT GOOD=
"Jesus isn't asking us to do more; He's actually asking us to SLOW DOWN and be IN RELATIONSHIP with Him!"
Self denial means that "Sometimes... you'll be uncomfortable for the sake of the Gospel and the mission of God to reach every person in this whole wide world... you'll have to stretch yourself to grow & learn & be courageous & bold & not fearful to speak of Jesus!"
THAT IS SUCH A BETTER & MORE EDIFYING DEFINITION!!!
AND= To take up your Cross means to "lay down your strengths or your weaknesses. It means everything we think we're great at-- or terrible at-- we pick all those things up, and we don't let them weigh us down or get in the way of [following Jesus]!"
"To be a disciple of Jesus means that YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. It means that you're spending time with Him in the Word, in praying, in worshipping: just following Him faithfully. It's not how much you do that makes you a disciple; but it's how much you love Jesus-- enough TO deny yourself, pick up your Cross, and follow Him DAILY."
KUDOS TO CALVARY KIDS, SERIOUSLY.
Also the REFLECTION =
"What next step will you take in your discipleship journey today?
I will say "no" to something that the Word says is wrong.
I will choose to love others, no matter how they treat me.
I will always keep my eyes open to someone who needs help."
That is AS BEAUTIFUL AS IT IS PRACTICAL.
This is why I always read & watch & follow Christian CHILDREN'S media. THIS STUFF IS THE GOOD STUFF.

We were literally just reflecting on Mark 8:35 yesterday on our own, too. We had a sudden thought of deep SPIRITUAL comfort despite the disaster of the day, literally thinking "I love my life," which was a shock. We immediately thought of this verse, and the strange paradox of terms.
To "hate one's life" is not devilish hate. It is a CONTRAST, one that works IN TANDEM & IN HARMONY WITH LOVE OF CHRIST!!!! The point is that we must love Christ so much that we are WILLING to give up EVEN HIS GIFT OF PHYSICAL LIFE FOR HIS SAKE, because we recognize that HE HIMSELF IS LIFE, AND ONE FAR GREATER EVEN THAN THIS. In that sharp awareness, one "hates" their physical life ONLY in the sense that it LOSES ITS FALSE GLORY when held up against the Ineffable gorgeous brilliance of Heaven seen in Jesus Christ. THAT is why He says such "hate" SAVES YOUR LIFE!!!!!! Devilish hatred WOULDN'T WANT THAT!!!!!
What the devil DOES want is to LIE, & MANGLE THE TRUTH, ESPECIALLY OF LIFE & LOVE!!! Therefore, Some people "love their life" on EARTH so much that they HATE JESUS because He speaks of something FAR MORE & BETTER & WORTH SACRIFICING WORLDLY COMFORTS FOR. And so they LOSE BOTH!!!
...

Remember reflecting on Friday, with Bishop Barron & "safe spaces" & "coming of age" = GOD IS THE ONLY "SAFE SPACE".

Noticing yesterday with mom that our default "social mode automaton" is literally just a practiced carbon copy of her. It's disturbing, dehumanizing, and depressing. We lose ALL selfhood and individuality around her. We act JUST LIKE HER and we CANNOT TURN IT OFF.
Dear God what do we do. We're being existentially dishonest because of this, and our mother things THAT'S THE REAL US. No wonder she keeps triggering us and invalidating our actual life experience-- because WE do the SAME BLOODY THING TO OURSELVES, AS HER, WHEN AROUND HER.
I'd say "bring that up in therapy" but that phone therapist is NOT good for us l. We're legit going to request a transfer of care after this week.
We DO have that in person therapist on Wednesday though, the "new agey office" one with the affirmations & dream meanings dictionary. We're hesitant, of course, but we need to go to that trusting in God's direction & providence against all appearances too.

Also, for the record, I think God made our food freeze because we just spent the past hour and a half doing nothing but praying and typing. 😂 WORTH IT THOUGH!
(BTW the eggs that froze & thawed had the BEST TEXTURE)

This is SOLID ADVICE for us as a System =
"Do an overview of your week and stand still at the experiences that draw your attention. Review your week and focus on the moments when you had experiences that caught your attention. It is almost like a summary of your week's experiences and is a wonderful means to relive God's grace when you focus on it. Keeping a journal is a way to deepen your experiences in your spiritual journey and write down these experiences you revisit in your review prayer. Over time, it becomes like a record of your interactions with God. This means that as you look back, you can see how you have grown and changed: how you look at things and patterns in your behaviour. These changes are usually slow and happen in such a way that we do not always notice them immediately... Ask the Lord to remind you of the week’s experiences. Reflect on what comes to you. Trust your experience... Speak to God about your experience. Where did I experience God’s Presence? How has connection with myself, others and Him deepened as a result of my [recent experiences of faith]?"

Remember that "to sacrifice" means "TO MAKE HOLY"!!! It does NOT inherently mean "to kill" or "destroy"!!! THAT'S THE LITERAL OPPOSITE RESULT!!!! In EVERY case, HOLINESS BRINGS REAL LIFE, and it does so THROUGH LOVE. This does NOT exclude suffering-- rather it WELCOMES it as the MOST POWERFUL MEANS of proving Love & therefore sanctifying Life!!!
THE CROSS IS THE ALTAR.

Barry reading Baruch
⭐BEFORE AN OUTSPACER CAN TRULY LEAVE THEIR NATIVE WORLD, THEY HAVE TO BE AT MUTUAL PEACE WITH IT = IT HAS TO CONVERT????
DUDE I THINK THAT IS THE KEY!!!!
THIS IS WHERE "STARSPACE" (???) COMES IN??? Not Heartspace, but MEDIAspace, WITHIN A "LEAGUE-PROLOGUE" AND "SOURCE-EPILOGUE" SPACE???? ACTIVELY REWRITES THE ENTIRE ORIGINATING ENVIRONMENT & PLOT TO MATCH THEIR NEW & HEALING & CONVERTED HEART, RECONCILING ALL STORY DISSONANCE THROUGH TRANSFORMATION, MENDING ALL RELATIONSHIPS BY GRACE & PATIENCE & SINCERE EFFORT, AND LIFTING EVERYTHING UP TO HOPE & FAITH & LOVE.
THIS PROCESS IS WHAT GIVES THE OUTSPACER A NEW FOUNDATION IN THE LEAGUE TO BUILD FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE-- IT HAS TO BE ROOTED IN THEIR NATIVE WORLD, AS IF THAT WORLD HAD BEEN PART OF THE LEAGUE TO BEGIN WITH???? EVEN IF IT IS NOW BEING MOVED ON FROM, IT IS STILL THE ANCHOR.
So yeah. THAT'S why there "haven't been any doors" yet. WE HAVE BEEN IGNORANT OF THIS KEY STEP IN DOING SO!!!!! Yeah the door opens TO the League, but IT HAS TO OPEN FROM THEIR NATIVE WORLD FIRST!!! Such doors connect WORLDS and therefore CANNOT OPEN IN HEADSPACE!!!!!!

Comment on importance of family & familial LOVE.
"When you don't have loving parents, you get people like me" = unconsciously imitate & perpetuate "normal" unloving & violent behavior. WE DO THIS TOO. The environment in which you grow up AFFECTS EVERYTHING that comes after.
BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. Especially through Christianity, you CAN still learn what REAL LOVE IS, and even what a LOVING FAMILY IS. It's hard and can be scary, but it IS POSSIBLE and again WE ARE GROWING PROOF, God willing to preserve & support us in this journey.

BTW WHAT WAS THE LEAGUELINK ROOM???? Look up old entries. I think it was more of an airport terminal than anything; it was a means of visitation only??

Just randomly stumbled across this online and GEEZ =
"When I first started the CATTA, there were many “Scared Straight” programs in Michigan, and I had even participated in a couple. However, I quickly discovered that inflicting trauma will never help a boy release it, but instead teach him to suppress it. Nowadays, you’ll be hard-pressed to find a Scared Straight or Bootcamp program because discipline without love is ineffectual. Our boys need to be healed, not scared straight."
"Teaching boys how to fight is one thing, but training them up to walk the path of righteousness is another... So, my combat thesis is to love always, and fight if you must."
"Although I’ve seen the benefits of martial arts discipline, I’ve always been confounded about how a martial artist can make it to the level of a black belt in a dojo or gym, but remain a white belt in life. I see why it’s written that, “Training the physical body is of some value, but training for godliness is of value in every way, benefitting in this life and the life to come (1 Tim 4:8).” I’m not a martial artist, but a man with a martial heart. I am not committed to developing martial artists, I sacrifice my life to save the lives of boys."
"...trauma cannot be ignored because it becomes the very root of a students’ behavior patterns and mindset."
Thinking hard about childhood & family & dysfunction & trauma lately... all of that hits home so hard it hurts.

I suddenly realized why Mimic is so far beyond other Outspacers in development right now.
SHOCKINGLY, HIS HEART IS BREAKABLE, and he has WEPT.
That SINGLE INSTANT of raw Vulnerability in that dream IS WHY HE'S EVEN UP HERE TO BEGIN WITH. He got an unprecedented head start.
Tears and heartache are ESSENTIAL to being part of the League OR the Spheres!
BARRY HAS NOT CRIED. NOR HAS PHLEGMONI.
And for some bizarre reason, ALL THE FEMALE OUTSPACERS ARE BEING "BARRED" FROM BLUER EMOTIONS.
Mimic leans that color too, btw. He's Indigo. Thats INHERENTLY an emotionally deep color. Warmer tones are different. They feel warmer emotions easier. And those are all vital too, absolutely, BUT it is the ability to FEEL COMPASSION (SUFFERING WITH) THAT GIVES YOU ROOTS.
Your heart has to be able to LIGHT UP. You've gotta be SOUL FORM COMPATIBLE buddy!!!!!

Darkness "cannot comprehend?" Light BECAUSE DARKNESS IS, BY DEFINITION, THE ABSENCE OF LIGHT. A shadow literally only CAN exist if something STOPS THE LIGHT in order TO cause a shadow; it is an INHERENTLY NEGATIVE "EXISTENCE"; it is a VOID and not a substance. THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF SIN, FOR THE RECORD. Sin is LOSS, LACK, REJECTION, REFUSAL, EMPTINESS, ENTROPY. It is UNREALITY.
You cannot "turn darkness into light." It's just the lack OF light. LIGHT IS THE TRUTH, THE REALITY. It is LIFE, the most natural & essential emanation of it.

quick morning typing notes

up until 3am typing.
then 330 FIRE ALARM WTF. quiet fire engines. surreal. it was raining outside

up at 1111
Mass at st clares as usual
homily about LEADERSHIP. good leadership requires accountability & integrity of character.
said we are ALL leaders, in our own way, in our own unique situations
at one point said, "what do we teach our children?"
got a SUDDEN and POWERFULLY CLEAR VISUAL FLASH of THAT OTHER CHILD sitting next to Xenophon on the floor, a "could-be" visual thought with that statement. (those feel like dreams, or memories. you can TELL they aren't "real," but definite potentials)
looking at him. pondering his appearance and colors. that weird icy blue crystal tail. the "undersea fish" vibe about his head, or even soft leaves. different vibe than xenophon. like an underwater plant almost.
Celebi was floating near me, looking at me pointedly, and CRYING.
I suddenly realized WHY that child is blue.
HE IS PINSTRIPE'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the light blue crystals on his tail are absolutely pin's vibe. Pinstripe's color was ice blue and he vibed with ICE, NOT SNOW. also, oddly, his "emblem animal" association was NOT bugs... it was SHARKS!!!
(we never listed that for the cores, did we? we need jargon for it. "totem" is appropriative.)

BK prep talk
Mimic cutting open new water pack, said he wasn't used to dullness of kitchen knives, but it works. Barry jokingly commented about sharp knives, specifically "the knife isn't sharp enough"
Laurie admonished him STRONGLY on that. said that we NEVER use that phrase, especially not so irreverently, and also, "you need to die to those old associations if you want to live a new life." i.e. if he keeps identifying himself with the "zany sociopath" model he was cast in, he will never fit a new one in a new world. He needs to STOP trying to "be Barry from FMA" if he wants to grow and change beyond that original, doomed and degrading definition of selfhood.
Barry apologized (the guy is surprisingly open-hearted in that respect; Mimic might grumble or even retort, but Barry has never had an obstinacy towards correction about him? His pride might obviously be bruised, sure, but it's just a bruise-- he still admits when he's wrong, he can take a joke, he has a shocking amount of self-awareness but will readily concede, however sheepishly, when someone points out any vices he's exhibiting, consciously or unconsciously. That's all super notable), Laurie said she accepted it, but not to worry, because this gives us an opportunity to learn humility? I remember that virtue was clearly mentioned, because Barry or someone asked, effectively, "how long do we have to fight pride until we ARE humble enough?"
Laurie said that "humility is a neverending battle", that it is a "war" we MUST fight until the day we die.
Lynne just SMILED at her saying this, and said "you know, Laurie, I think that's your REAL root" = SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!!!
Noted that we ALL ALWAYS associate Laurie with specific knightly virtues: integrity, truth, honor, sacrificial love, perseverance until death. BUT THOSE VIRTUES NEED TO EXIST WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF WAR, IN ORDER TO BE FULLY REALIZED & LIVED OUT!!!
And THAT is what Laurie has been MISSING since CNC; it is WHY she keeps slipping & graying & blurring. She lost sight of her TRUE ROOT, because honestly I don't think ANY of us realized what it is.
Initially, yeah, the "pain=love" bit IS her absolute core. BUT WHY IS THAT EVEN A ROOT? Because, to suffer FOR love IS SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!! That's the entire POINT. So even in the beginning, when it was so mangled, it was STILL FIGHTING FOR LOVE, still FIGHTING FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS, still DEFENDING TRUTH. We were only punished as a child BECAUSE WE DID WRONG. Laurie also only took that up IN ORDER TO KEEP US RIGHTEOUS. Yeah we misunderstood the details back then, BUT NOT THE HEART OF THE CONCEPT.
So this is a HUGE realization. Hence the sudden update!

Jade call, bath tomorrow. GET READY SON

ALSO Laurie laughing that when she says "kid," BOTH Jewel and Jay respond. Jewel said "that's because we're a dualcore processor"
Julie commented, aren't we more like a quadcore? Because there's the Jessica bloodline too, and MAYBE the CECELIAS????
BUT then we noted LYNNE. Wasn't she supposed to be a bloodline shift? Laurie said NO, remember she was born to HOLD THE FORCED IDEAL that others wanted us to be, BUT WE COULDN'T BE. So we took all of that, and put it into HER. She was supposed to be "who everyone else WANTED us to BECOME," but deep down SHE WAS A POTENTIAL BANK. She was NEVER A SOCIAL.
Mimic was shocked at the idea that Lynne was almost a core. He asked if her Orange color had to do with that, since it was so close to Red. Lynne said no, in the beginning, she was a lot more Red than she is now. That's because she was split off FROM the Red Core whose vibe could NOT be mangled to match the external expectations. Lynne actually leaned CERISE originally???? The PINK being a femininity focus, something the Jewels could NEVER hold!!
Then Laurie realized something huge: Lynne DIED in 2009, BUT when she came back years later she was ORANGE, NOT CERISE. And why was this?
Lynne was supposed to be the expected-ideal adult version of Jewel, who could never actually fit those ideals. BUT we could never take the "hyper" out of Lynne BECAUSE WE COULDN'T TAKE THAT ENERGY OUT OF JEWEL.
THAT IS WHY LYNNE HAS THAT INEXPLICABLE AND INDOMITABLE EBULLIENCE TO HER. Just like the Jewels that instigated her root, SHE CANNOT ERASE THAT SPARK FROM HERSELF.
God only knows what she would have become-- what we would have become-- if we LET our environment crush us, and turn us INTO that pink-leaning female adult.
I wonder if anyone does hold that. I WONDER IF THAT SOMAFONI WHO WROTE SO MUCH OF THE UPMC STUFF HOLDS IT????? Is she Iscah, really? Is that her actual self? We never could pinpoint it. I think it IS. And if so... SHE IS 100% PINK. SHE'S A FEMALE ENFORCED IDEAL. AND SHE HAS CRUSHED JEWEL'S BOUNDLESS SPARK.
Iscah isn't a kakofoni, but she IS an apatefoni, which is equally deadly in a different way.

The Archivists realized that Mimic keeps "getting everything" channeled into him because he has such a POWERFUL presence and anchor in headspace; his visuals are crystal clear, his personality is solid, etc. But why is this? BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE OF US UP HERE WHO DID NOT EXIST DURING TRAUMA!!!! He is, effectively, the manifestation of LIVING HOPE FOR HEALING from all that came before, and that all the rest of us saw, or even contributed to.
Mimic is UNTOUCHED BY ALL OF IT. He showed up AFTER UPMC for heaven's sakes!!!
THIS MEANS THAT ALL NEW OUTSPACERS ARE TRAUMA-FREE. THAT IS AMAZING.
PLEASE TELL THE CORES TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT.
I wonder how that applies to nousfoni.
Remember the Undergrounders-- they appeared after a trauma as holders OF the trauma, who had been buried and forbidden from manifesting before. So all "new" nousfoni we find now, WHILE we're healing, might potentially be DEEPLY DAMAGED. Still, we love them and want to meet them.
BUT this fact makes the complementary untouchedness of Outspacers EVEN MORE VITAL as a balance!!!
WE NEED BOTH.
AND THEN THERE'S THE LEAGUE.
That UNITES us both, and with how the Jewels are STILL working on it, despite everything, arguably with MORE clarity than ever... I really think the League is going to be the HINGE on which EVERYTHING TURNS.
The Spectrum NEEDS the Spheres, and perhaps vice versa.
THINK UPON THIS. PRAY ABOUT THIS. LIVE IT OUT.

Quick note during breakfast:

The reason why eating eggs keeps triggering up that one messy-haired, selfishly proud girl-- It's not because she's eating eggs, but it's because she's tearing them apart. She rips the top part off of them and eats them. She's inherently destructive and deconstructive.

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(later)

evening was absolutely terrifying

for unknown reasons, got hit with a debilitating panic attack after breakfast?
we think it was because, during our Bible study, one of the thriskefoni started on with their evangelistic fervor-- "i need to convert all the ex-catholics on tumblr!! i need to save all of the apostates!!" -- and started writing a notepad document on how to do so, pasting in all these bits of commentary on how to "preach to the lost" to "win their souls" etc. in response, someone ELSE upstairs (faceless & nameless) absolutely castigated them by pasting in huge red letters at the top of that document: "WOE TO YOU, BLIND GUIDE & HYPOCRITE!!" and the girl, terrified, absolutely shattered.
memory just breaks up. we lost all concentration, all coherence, all focus. the next thing we remember is someone eating carrots in the kitchen, but like one possessed, LITERALLY screaming upstairs "help me, i don't want to do this, i can't stop, please God help me" etc. and forcing themselves to eat more and more, amidst absolute shrieking terror. memory cuts out again, like a total blackout, and then the next memory flash is of someone eating oatmeal with raisins, one of our BIGGEST TRIGGERS-- who the heck even BOUGHT it and WHY???-- but with a completely numb mind. no emotions, no thoughts, just mechanical behavior. it was disturbing to see. then, blackout again, and the next memory is of someone throwing up violently in the bathroom, and the accompanying emotions of sheer panic from the pain & awareness of deadly consequences.
it was a nightmare.
however COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS ANYWAY because it has been TWO FULL MONTHS since we can remember having a binge. for years, the biggest gap between binges was two days. and now the worst was june, and ONLY because of the jade situation. this is amazing. so remember that.
Anyway we were SO sick and distraught that memory is, no surprise, shredded to bits. i know we used the default "ER recovery method" which is to take/drink a certain set of pills/ vitamins/ electrolytes/ etc. in order to recover ASAP, but it didn't make the symptoms disappear and so panic remained. i think we were too dissociated to know what we were doing anyway. AND, with all the "godphone" reliance of the thriskefoni, most of them WILL NOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT "GOD'S PERMISSION," i.e. "hearing Jesus &/or Mary TELL them what to do." so even when we know we MUST drink our electrolytes to prevent hypokalemic disaster, they WON'T DO IT UNLESS GOD APPROVES. they will panic. "should I drink this? Is this right? Does God want me to do this?" etc. they are absolutely paralyzed with indecision-- or rather, a total rejection OF decisive will-- until they are given orders.
these poor thriskefoni are the same ones that will spend hours praying just so they don't have to do anything else with life. to them, life is prayer-- there are no messy decisions or opinions or choices or problems to deal with. just kneel and read prayer cards for three hours, that's all that matters!
on that note, they got what they wanted, and I daresay (with no small amount of holy fear) that God did, too, because from about 845 to 1AM we collapsed on the couch, drifted in and out of consciousness, and just said prayers. there was some talking to God about our illness, I'm aware, but as to what was said i don't know. i know it had to do with death, and suffering, and surrender, and "God do You care about me" "God do You want me to die" "God why did You let this happen" etc. LOTS of Psalm praying, though, which we are aware of because it was pinging us, the people in Central, with how painfully relevant they were.

Nevertheless, that's all we have for today. We went to bed surrendered to God's Will and praying to wake up in the morning. If not, well, at least we don't have to struggle with our own stupid sins anymore.

But hey, Lamentations 3.:22-23 says it best: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is [His] faithfulness."

No matter how confusing and frightening this war of our innerlife may get, we can count on God.
Despite all the lies and propaganda, we know His voice inside our heart, and we know He loves us. Deep down we know. Our own existence as a System is miraculous proof of it, despite all odds.
Rest in that. Hope in that. Don't give up. Endure to the end.

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.

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0801

Up at 1045, phone call

Tried FOUR mass livestreams, all broken
Said rosary & chaplet instead
Watched St Clare again at noon

BK prep
Spice pepper upset, Laurie referenced commentary "authority & mercy" = knowledge in order to HEAL

Talk over nousfoni death
Started by our asking Mulberry about her job, she's a Social BUT SHE WORKED WITH SHERLOCK who was NOT an Archivist originally but an INTERCESSOR???
Missing Garrison, BUT obviously "reborn" in Sirius??
Mimic asking how all this works
"Soft resets" like Laurie's axe, hard resets like Lynne's "reabsorbing"
DIFFERENT RESULTS based on STABILITY/ STATUS of nousfoni that dies??
Wondering about Nathaniel. Told Mimic s/he was "The original blepofoni"
Scalpel being Javier's successor, "he was never stable" + ARTIFICIAL

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0802

Last night before bed: visiting Mimic asleep, Darkrai protecting him from nightmares. Not ventrium. Asked about, said i might have to look for him in realm of death???
Talking to Hoopa about this after. Decided NO.
REMEMBER the City is now overgrown forest ruins WITH SNOW!!!

Woke up early, 10am
Did some prep. Measured out and put away some food for later because doing it this early bypasses the lotophagoi compulsion to taste everything

Mom call, no reception, hung up. Made us a nervous wreck though thinking what it could be about
This wasn't helped by the fact that we are getting flashbacks all morning from Last night's trauma entry transcription

Rosary, chaplet, eternal rests before mass
" Let us always spend time with Christ in the Eucharist, And it will change us for the better, Because we are always changed for the better when we spend time with those we love"

Mom call was nothing serious, But incredibly interesting
She called that local priest that is going to look into actual Demonic curses on our family??? Possibly meeting him this Saturday after mass to discuss it more in-depth.

BK prep SLICE?????
Yellow, GIRL???

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0803

Up early phone call mom = Jade bath visit again

Church livestream no audio; Different mass on website
ARK HOMILY hit hard

Leaguework notes for spheres 2 & 3

Wedding at cana argument; reading through books on shelf
Forgot how much i love just sitting on the floor paging through this little library of ours

BIBLE STUDY HITS!!!!!!!
FINALLY PERFECT CLARIFICATION ON JUSTICE
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

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0804

FIRST FRIDAY
Shopping & Adoration
Regular afternoon. Prayer & housework.
BANJO & TITAN
Some very profound moments, painful but loving even so, with Chaos 0
We're talking a LOT thanks to the movies. We sit together on the couch, before during and after, and in all of those different times we have different conversations.
But... we haven't been talking this much in a LONG time. and... we haven't spent this much time just being close to each other in even longer.
this is good. even just as a start, this is wonderful. thank you God.
yes it hurts, but lonely broken bruised hearts full of weeping are going to hurt.
it means the entire world, though, to realize that such a heart trusts and loves you enough to get that close despite all its wounds. it means, you're safe. it means, you're a place of refuge even then. it means, you can handle this pain, and understand it.
i am grateful for every single moment of this. may God bless us with so many more.

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0809

Sick? So tired. Feel wrong somehow.

Knife angry tears over cutting = NOT MEANT TO BE FOOD, BUT RETRIBUTION.
Also his color ONLY LOCKS IN WHEN HE PRAYS.

Razor being VERY philosophical today.

Everyone fronting for wall prayers. I missed this.
Siobhan super clear

BARRY IN SUITS OF AMOR????
HE MIGHT WAKE UP THAT ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

The burden is NOT prayer time, it's my STUBBORN RESISTANCE to such sustained effort
I DO love to pray, but I keep postponing and resisting it solely because it takes SO LONG and it requires SUSTAINED ATTENTIVE WORK and i'm stupid and weak.

SO MUCH MESS & MISTAKES WITH FOOD TODAY.
Legitimately threw "me" into a moral panic
So scared. Why?

Getting tiny synchronicities with Scripture again btw

This PERFECTLY describes Infi's fate, from CNC to hir literal death:
"And sin entered into the world through the seduction and false statements of the devil, by which the first man was veritably slain, his moral nature killed outright. Grace was not shut out, but Adam died. In the day that he ate of the forbidden tree, man most surely and in the deepest sense died. "God created man to be immortal, and made him to be an image of his own eternity. Nevertheless, through envy of the devil came death into the world..."

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0812

Less sick today, but still anxiously unwell.
Neuropathy, weakness, lightheaded, blackout feeling.

that one vague, oddly social Jewel talking from the background today? "I want mimic to retire for a while so that chaos 0 can come into the spotlight, And I can grow closer to him like I used to in the beginning"

mimic's wry response, "I'll retire if you give me a world to retire to"
"You keep saying there's a place ready for me there, but there's no door."

this is a HUGE revelation actually
jewel does keep saying, "yeah there's room for you in this world, OR MAYBE this one, etc..." basically, "i can feel a resonant potential spot for you there." like, if you want to walk in, it would let you.
but there's NO WAY TO "WALK IN."
JEWEL IS THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF SHE DOESN'T LET OUTSPACERS IN, THEY CANNOT DO IT THEMSELVES.
and the jewel that used to do that is NOT CLOSE TO MIMIC.
this is our dilemma. LINKS ARE REQUIRED.
NO JEWELS ARE FORMING LINKS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA.
we REALLY need to think about this.

but yeah.
if that "jewel" wants mimic to be "gone" so badly, it's HER RESPONSIBILITY to buy him the plane tickets, and drive him to the airport. she HAS to take initiative.
but she also doesn't want to admit that she's being so selfish, whoever she actually is.
(she's NOT a real jewel. actual jewels DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. this girl has stolen the name but SHE FITS NONE OF THE CRITERA!!!!)

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0817

updates during the day again, because typing is faster

Slept in due to being up late.

VERY rushed and disheveled this morning, feeling weight of prayer obligation.
rosary took 30m. kept panicking and repeating prayers. "not focused enough." ball of nerves.

mass at st clares again!
readings parallel: joshua and jesus, jordan river baptism = entering promised land, no longer wanderers with no home.

devotions today HIT.
chaos 0 and mimic LITERALLY talking about the mercy + grace bit BEFORE we read the devotional that said it almost verbatim.
no coincidences guys

said wall prayers this morning btw. again almost burned food. rushing back and forth. feeling so anxious.
still. it was nice to pray with everyone flowing in front.

razor out a lot. cutting eggs, knife happy, "this is her job because she likes to just cut things" as opposed to his very specific retributor role.
THAT ONE "WATCHER GIRL" COMMENTING THAT KNIFE WAS "UNNECESSARY" AS A RESULT.
WTF.
laurie heard her and was FURIOUS

now finally bk at 2pm. man oh man.

update: we dropped one carrot
that one younger girl FREAKED OUT SOBBING "god hates me"
laurie talking her down
double carrots, made her laugh a little, "but that's so silly." laurie "no it's not, not if it makes you laugh"; "isn't that what any good father would do?" basically "when the devil takes things from you, god restores twofold and wants to make you smile"

girl sees praying more as "giving a speech" to critical parents than "talking to them"
"i can't talk to god!!" terrified, actually cowering. like a child afraid of being hit for her brazenness.

Realizing her own clumsiness was dropping the carrots = "oh no, am I the devil???"

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0820

Hell night
Dream hacks & dehumanizing nightmares
refuse to talk about them

Church Blood sugar hell again

Mom drive home
Carnival fear talk.
WE NEVER REALIZED HOW THAT MUST AFFECT HER.
SHE TRIED TO GIVE US ENTERTAINMENT AS CHILDREN BUT IT ONLY DISTURBED & SCARED US.
She admitted this today, how we're all adverse to fairs & parties & crowds but she loves them.
Movie talk; sadly proved this

Mom food hell
Girl PANICKED. Like legit FEAR OF DEATH. Unbearable
Leon blaming himself

Bible study keeps showing us HOW MUCH WE MISUNDERSTAND & MISINTERPRET GOD.
We are still so afraid of Him. We find it so hard to even imagine that someone would WANT to be gentle & kind & patient with us, let alone loving & forgiving & merciful.
This is fatally hindering our salvation life!!!

⭐"JAY" / LOTUS WAS "LIGHT THAT DID NOT BURN" = he was a COLD LIGHT that COULD NOT GIVE LIFE OR WARMTH!!!

So many dirty girls triggered out by eggs: clumsy messy food.
UPMC fear was LEGIT-- making a mess DOES "turn us into an animal"!!!
ALL UPMC DID WAS SHAME US & WHITEWASH OUR SYMPTOMS. JUST LIKE SLC, THERE WAS NO REAL PROGRESS OR HEALING, ONLY SELF-NEGATING ACTING & STOMPING TRIGGERS IN EVEN DEEPER THROUGH DENIAL & DEPERSONALIZATION.

We NEED someone who CAN eat eggs, WITHOUT triggering out kakofoni, WHILE we do Bible study.
They will NEED TO BE NONHUMAN!!!

⭐ACTUALLY HOLD UP!!! REMEMBER HOW WE SURVIVED IN CNC??? WE WOULD DRIVE THE BODY TO EAT, NOT FRONT!!! SO WE COULD PREVENT ASSOCIATION WITH IT & STAY ANCHORED INSIDE!!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0821

ABSOLUTE FCKNG MELTDOWN OVER JADE COMING UP TO SHOWER THE MINUTE WE SIT DOWN TO EAT BREAKFAST AT 2PM SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!@!@@!@

Couldn't calm down until like 4pm. WHY???
God we NEED to go back to typing & talking PLEASE

Spitting acid at "soft & quiet" horror
Apparently we are STILL VIOLENTLY GYNOPHOBIC. We're afraid of this becoming misogyny. Thank God it's still based on revulsion & traumafear kicked up to 1000%. It's not hatred of femininity as a whole. It's morbidly fascinating to FEEL the mental & emotional shifts.
Certain faces, voices, outfits, "skin textures" do it. ALL "babyish" women and ALL "sultry" women make us FURIOUSLY VIOLENT and I don't know why. At least, I can't put it into speech. It's too hidden & gutdeep. I can't even find it, to look it in the face. I'd be too scared & revolted to right now.
And yet THAT WIMPY PERSONALITY IS A GIRL.
ALL THE PROUD, PRISSY, PRESUMPTUOUS, PRECOCIOUS CORPUFONI ARE GIRLS. I HATE THEM. THEY'RE SHALLOW, HOLLOW, PLASTIC FACED WHORES.

(^ See, this happens EVERY TIME)

SHUT UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PROSTITUTE

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

TRUE FEMININITY = MARY.
Let that sink in, and heal this hurting hatred.

The main thing that is preventing the j bloodline from coming back to life is shame!!!!
They were so expressive & open, so full of light and love, but there is this crushing feeling of Self-hatred and SHAME that is forbidding such an existence now.
We will probably not be able to have a solid core unless the core Has a connection to heartspace and therefore with self-identity
WE CURRENTLY "FAIL THE MIRROR TEST" on some level?????
There is NO inherent "self-recognition" in the body's reflection AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
unless there's a blepofoni consciously looking back at themselves/ us, as a face alone, THE BODY IS A TOTAL STRANGER.

Can't stop thinking about this from Bible study=
"...the day cometh when the characters we have made ourselves here, the habits we have cultivated and indulged in, the capacities we have exercised, and the set and drift of all our activity upon earth, will determine the work that we get to do there."

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0823

Terribly hard day.

7am up. Nightmares again; cats & brothers, both hurting or scaring us (AGAIN. why is that a recurring theme??)

Oblates mass. tried OLOMC first but forgot they have no wednesday mass. had a hyperreligious MELTDOWN after that, convinced God "hated us" and didn't actually want us at mass or something??? bizarre how our brain STILL catastrophizes our faith like this.

Walmart stop for some groceries, don't even remember what. we were in social mode so bad, dissocation was like being drugged. genesis deeply concerned.

Therapy today. MOVE THIS TO ITS OWN ENTRY once/ if we get the memory/ time to type about it.
ALL NEW AGEY AGAIN.
huge letdown. we are so sick of that garbage. has trauma roots too from the slc era. nevertheless, we tried so hard to still listen. God still put me here. so there IS a reason this happened and we must be attentive. we are STILL a student; we cannot be proud or stubborn. and there was some legitimately good advice. Must humbly respect & learn.
HOWEVER this also made us realize, again, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES IN THERAPY.
some unknown social comes out and takes over the whole thing and GUESS WHAT THEY ARE A COMPULSIVE LIAR!!!! WE CAUGHT THEM DOING THAT TODAY, their ENTIRE manner of speech was A FACADE, an ACT, and we don't even know what the heck they were trying to pull or present us as.
STOP THEM NEXT TIME. I DON'T CARE IF OVERWHELM HAS TO FRONT. YOU DO NOT LET SOCIALS FRONT IN THERAPY.

(notes: they asked us really frustrating generic questions like "what are your hobbies" and "what are your strengths" and we could not answer. that's when the social was lying, that makes me genuinely sick. the therapist also talked about bloody affirmations-- which we hate but we didn't say anything-- and dream symbol interpretation. no idea how, or if, we'll be able to make progress here. even so, we don't see them for another MONTH which means the next session will probably feel like starting over, and if we're smart, we'll TREAT IT AS SUCH and forget whatever the heck junk happened today, because none of it stored to actual memory which is a VERY BAD SIGN.)

Home late, Bk at 2
Oat bar mistake. Body immediately had an ALLERGY REACTION????? burning eyes and throat, runny nose. coughing and flushed face. stomach rejecting it entirely. THREW UP.
felt horrible. we cannot remember the last time we had an e.d. day, and then this stupidity happens.
Then tried raisins, God knows why. THREW UP AGAIN.
what the heck are we reacting to???? with the oat bar it was DEFINITELY either the rice syrup or the coconut oil, as BOTH rice and coconut have given us bad reactions in the past, BUT now our brain is like "what if we're allergic to oats now???" so yeah, even more food terror. we have to pinpoint the lotophagoi who hold all this and talk to them.

Disastrously sick. Terrified.
Praying and eating DN 730, don't want to go to ER

⭐concerning our massive terror of "being killed"... NO ONE CAN TAKE MY LIFE AWAY, ONLY JESUS.
Rest in this.

DN Bible study: Patristic commentaries HIT HARD SON!!!!!

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0827

HECK OF A DAY SON

Church
Jade call
Drive
Cry
WE CAN'T PROCESS SADNESS

DW TYPING!!!!

BK 330 WTF

Ok I'm sorry but I have to record this.
The kids buy most study reflection I was talking about when king David was annointed, And the girl getting the devotional said, " It's not every day that we see someone get anointed with oil".
Mimic Just glances over at my salad then at me and says "I can fix that"

SO MUCH CLARIFICATION in Bible study today!!

SO SICK after breakfast. Dehydration.
Surrender prayer
Bravely ate raisins & Gatorade too , overcoming anorexic fear

GOD GOT US THROUGH!!!!!!
Honestly He has NEVER FAILED US. EVER.

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0828

Up at 11
Irish mass no homily.l
Canada mass Augustine homily, Julie deeply moved
St clare mass readings homily on bike
Everything worked out perfectly!

Egg trouble actually inspired Razor to talk??
How in heaven is she so insightful. Is it her age? Her origin & depth of history? Her color? Her conversion? All of the above?

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0829

Marketplace PANIC.
SO MUCH RAGE about food & money???? HATRED.
Scared of this in us. Thank God for revealing.
Find roots and deal with because this KEEPS HAPPENING and it is driving a wedge between us and especially our mother.

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quick stream-of-consciousness post for the sake of continuous daily updates.
sorry we have to update like this lately, but it's this or nothing!
better to get into a routine of typing, however disjointed, then to neglect updating altogether, which we were doing.

----------------

sunday morning BLOOD SUGAR HELL
first day in over a week that we don't feel like our body is dying, and then THIS hits
first time since anorexia time period that we remember.
had to take TWO glucose tablets to stabilize. stomach was staging a mutiny. still it was needed.

got home, made breakfast as fast as possible, then JADE CALLED
had to go up the homestead immediately, get her and then LET HER SHOWER at our place.

drive up was a blessing. really truly beautiful.
we never realized just how vital driving & listening to music had become to our mental health
having it back suddenly really drove that point home

tuned guzheng & did some leaguenotes while jade was getting ready
fixing sphere numbers really. defining colors more clearly.
jade took 1.5 hours? don't remember. we were still fasting.
just taking tiny bits of carrots & cereal, & like four raisins, to keep blood sugar up

took a while to clean bathroom haha
"inside out" brain response??? like legit thought of THAT crew as the kneejerk reaction.
laurie half-joking, asking if we were gonna get disgust as an outspacer?
jewel paused, said "oh no, i don't know" haha
who the heck is putting connection strings out though??? no one is getting in heartspace, how is this happening??
look into this actually. maybe there IS potential BUT no one is ACTING on it.
i think mimic is monopolizing all the outspacer energy haha. the man's got too much sheer affection focused on him.

finally got to eat at 3pm
everything was cold, bonus points! weirdly better that way

felt this huge "need" to change up schedule today
started study on book of hosea for the league
took like... two solid hours
we felt AMAZING afterwards. in the zone. happiest we've been in WEEKS, if not months.
NEED to continue religiously creative work like this.

almost forgot to eat dinner haha
830pm

needed to pray but exhausted
said cards on couch. lights reflecting on them like stained glass.
needed to get up & say psalms. asked chaos 0 "will you help me"
he looked at us with such melting love, said yes, and DID. gave us that "heart push" that gave us physical strength & spiritual motive to move. usually laurie does that for us. meant so much to feel it from him

night prayers at altar
realized headspace was REALLY tuned in the WHOLE TIME which is unusual for those.

at some point, saw phlegmoni fly over to sit on barry's shoulder?
said something about hanging out with him more.
jewel commented "yeah you two both have good hearts"
barry gave her this deadpan look and said effectively "i think my source material would beg to differ on that"
also jokingly banged his fist on his armor, said he arguably didn't have much of a heart in any case to begin with.
did someone comment that jewel tends to pick up people that fit that description? like they're often "irredeemable" villains in canon.
HOWEVER.
jewel got very adamantly ardent about this.
said, basically, "if I have any authority or right to say so, then i'm saying this: you DO have a good heart. i've decided you do. i'm GIVING you one."
"you guys all have to realize, once you come up here into headspace, or heartspace, wherever, that's it. you're getting a good heart. them's the breaks. that's the deal. there's nothing you can do about it." etc.
i remember barry was legit moved by this.
mimic said nothing. but i saw the subtle shift in his solemn face. that hope hit home for him too.

but yeah. try to get clearer dialogue memory.
jewel was TRULY HERSELF talking like that. and it's the truth.
i love how she legit DECIDED though. like, "that's the rule, if you're in here, you DO have a good heart. you can't stop it."
like if she does have so much power in here, by virtue of her origin and role, then that's how she's using it. God bless her.

now we're briefly fixing computer files, realizing how much we lost.
we have no files prior to 2021, it's existentially jarring
oh well it's in the hands of God. we can't change it.

on spotify, going through the "people we love" playlist folder
realizing how many DIFFERENT people are contributing to this.
it's confusing but achingly lovely, and sometimes very sad.
you can FEEL the bloodline emotions shifting around.
there's some conflict, some people feeling "forced to like everyone," others legit wanting to and sad that they don't.
but it's recognized that this is a COLLECTIVE folder. there are different cores/pseudos that add to it.
i'm being completely honest, even bold, in adding to it. when i feel a sparkle, i add that person.
interesting to see who fits the bill.

all right it's 1am, gotta go sleep

work-in-progress entry for today. posting it already so it doesn't get stuck in "unfinished entry limbo"

woke up with such a weak, fluttery heartbeat, it was terrifying.
took like an hour to get ready for day. very weak, nauseous, chest heavy, everything felt wrong and sick.

slow biking for morning mass at 1130. didn't say any other prayers yet.
spiritual communion actually hit today. no begging despair like the past three days. i think it was because we said it more conversationally, but more fervently, focusing on each phrase. something hit differently today, and we felt the spirit fly into our heart like a shot. held it there.
one good thing about not having sacramental communion for a week or so: we FEEL the spiritual hunger now. we were taking it for granted before. now we know what Christ was talking about in john 6. without that Bread of Life, we WILL STARVE. it's a real thing. we're actually deeply grateful for this opportunity to recognize that, and the Truth it highlights. we're gaining a much deeper appreciation of the Eucharist from this.
ALSO. WE DON'T SOCIAL-MODE DISSOCIATE FROM VIDEO MASS. so we are ABLE to focus more, and pray more, and BE there more. realizing that was a huge shock too. so this is a boon, completely unexpected.
God makes everything work out for Good, for those who love Him. thank You Lord.
God loves His paradoxes, I'm telling you, haha. so do we. it's so strange and beautiful. trusting in that makes life such a wonderful adventure. "though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil," etc.

bk prep for noon. trying to eat early, banking on having the car to go to actual church & buy food tomorrow, which means we have to be up at ~745 to make the hopeful votive mass at the basilica

...

mimic and laurie discussing the daily devotionals
giving God's gifts to others, does not diminish them in ourselves = because their SOURCE is infinite, it's not anchored in ourself. therefore, sharing almost mandates an increase, because it allows for an outward flow to occur, which is LIVING WATER not a stagnant pool.
chaos congratulating mimic on getting this on his own. mimic legit excited over this, said it wasn't his doing, "thank the holy spirit"
then said he was "ready for a new name." recognized he was totally different from his canon origin now, he wanted that solid indication that he was cutting those ties and moving forward. laurie also noted this point, what it meant.

jewel commenting that's what happened with rio & markus, how their canon was "toxic" and it treated them "horribly." very occult, very damaging to them both, very little hope if any.

barry joined this topic a bit later, when he actually had input on the last devotional? commenting on saint lawrence i think.
laurie half-joking that he was the "poster child" for being a psycho, not sure what caused that comment. barry just sighed and said "yeah, i really was". briefly recapped WHY to mimic. mentioned how HIS canon wrote him as COMPLETELY IRREDEEMABLE and that he had no hope for becoming good, or repenting, or anything of the sort within it.
telling jewel that the holy spirit was working through her, in pulling them out of there, giving them a new chance with hope.
laurie told her point-blank, "i hope you realize that THAT is what Christ is doing FOR YOU, too."
jewel really paused and thought about this. felt like a faith-lightbulb really went on there. actually grasping the love of God in that point.

also remember we have to thank Leon for instigating this new and ready gratitude for the holy spirit working in our daily life. it fits his indigo very well somehow, which is lovely.

brief mention of lancifoliel? lynne said she's "not around anymore"; her color and function were clashing too hard with algorith and laurie, respectively. ironically, because all the evidence shows that she was born as a compulsive "splinter" from back when laurie thought her "old job" needed to continue-- i.e. that someone needed to be slicing jewel up to bloody pieces whenever she slipped or allowed a hack/hijack-- but laurie couldn't do such an explicitly violent job anymore because she "cared too much."
mimic interjected, said she couldn't care too much. laurie said "really?" surprise, but pushing him to defend the point. mimic paused, actually thinking about this. "no, it's not." then "caring too much is not weakness... i wouldn't say jesus cared too much." saying that when caring becomes "control" it ceases to be caring, it's masquerading as such. but true care, that unselfish compassionate concern for others, can never be "too much."
the irony of weakness= yes it allows you to be "hurt," but because it makes you vulnerable. and there is a paradoxical strength in that, because it shows you're NOT AFRAID TO BE HURT for the sake of what you are "weak" for through caring.
mimic saying he was a coward in the past because of this. "my highest good was myself" and so he was so scared of death and suffering, because he wanted to be "strong." terrible irony. he was unwilling to "suffer for something greater" and therefore he was actually weaker than those who did.
mimic talking about martyrdom again, how THAT was what originally cemented his debating the faith. how he originally scoffed at such people, as he thought death for a cause was the ultimate loss, the ultimate fool's end. but it was the exact opposite. he was running from death, always at its mercy. but those martyrs, they saw something greater than death, something that SURVIVED it, and they were willing to turn their lives into "witnesses" for it. somehow they defeated death, in submitting to it, for the sake of LIFE. no fear, no cowardice, only this amazing joy and even love. said it blew his mind when he first saw it, couldn't believe it. but it stuck with him.

at some point we were talking about knives, with knife. said how they actually hold a "sacred function," in that they open things up to be vulnerable? riding the topic waves today. how knives are PRIESTLY, used in offering sacrifice, and preparing food for the penitents. how knives are used by mothers and hunters both. knife said it is a PSYCHOPOMP job and needs to be treated with such immense gravity & honor & fear of God.

today's book devotionals also mentioned the importance of "proper preparation for" the Eucharist, by devotion and purity and love; the "treasure of the Church" being the poor because they are the ones who most powerfully manifest the Kingdom of God, having so few ties to this world and also being magnets of virtue & mercy for all others; the importance of trusting God to lead you in life especially when you cannot predict or plan ahead, because He knows you and cares for you and will always lead you right; and the power of prayer to ONLY do good, in so many amazing ways: not just healing the sick & repelling temptations, but also in transforming hearts & protecting souls, in converting sinners & strengthening the repentant... etc. it deserves so much typing, honestly, that and yesterday's devotional about perseverance in prayer. that was a game changer for us.
i write all this down, because thinking about all of that gives us a real light of joy in our heart. we LOVE our faith, and we feel very sorry that last night's pain-wracked ramble may have sounded like we felt otherwise. no. even in our pain and struggle, we love being Catholic. we love God. we love Jesus Christ. we want to bring His Kingdom into our life, even here, in this little apartment; even in headspace, every day and in every way we can. we want to become a saint, collectively, no matter how crazy that sounds, no matter how long it takes. with God nothing is impossible.
we just... we are truly so grateful for the roots of faith God has grown deep into our heart. hearing all the recent parables about good ground and seeds, about hidden treasures, about weeds and wheat and pearls and yeast... all the allegories for faith and growth or hindrance in it. we feel it all so strongly lately. but we have to be honest and exceedingly grateful both: when that harsh heat hits, and scorches the ground, God gives us shade. He gives us gentle dark to keep us safe, and He sends our roots even deeper. that's what's happening right now.
...it's such a deeply beautiful thing to think about. infi of course comes to mind, and hir hopeful eventual rebirth AS a true "angel of God," and not a fallen one, no longer a daemon. never again. but if there's hope for all the rest of us up here, butchers and octopi and axe-wielders and prostitutes and thieves and gluttons and poor wretched wrecked hearts... if God offers hope to all of us, then there's hope for that little black-winged creature too. i know it.
this is proof. God works through the darkness too. we need to remember that. we need to soak every aspect of our life, every color in the spectrum, everything with the Love of God.
there are still pieces missing. but God knows what He's doing. all we have to do is offer it up in prayer, and surrender in trust, and let Him work.
thanks holy spirit. please continue to strengthen our faith. thanks for never letting it fail, even after all these years of trauma and confusion. it's all by your grace. please, keep us in that ocean forever.

...

...

chest still feels awful. body is chilled, still so weak & dizzy. what the heck is going on.
hope we don't have to go to the ER with this. maybe we'll feel better after we eat. let's find out.

(there will be more updates as the day continues. we just wanted to get important notes down so far. this is a much better method than the sporadic phone notes for sure; thanks jewel for starting this entry!)

(151pm)

0701

"I" CAN'T EAT WITH WHITE OR RED HUE
HAS TO BECOME BROWN OR BLACK!!!

So much switching while eating = based on action taken & mood of it?? Different "manners" of eating, different jobs on phone, etc.
ALL CAUSE A HARD DISSOCIATIVE SWITCH!!! and a consequent headache for the record
- Tumblr posting
- picking apart food
- biting pieces off
ALL of these actions TRIGGER out different girl corpufoni??? all with very disheveled & negative vibes

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0702

Scalpel now feeling ragesorrow when fronting, like Knife was
Wondering if this is all being split off from LAURIE in some way??

Laurie “enabling” bad behavior, just letting foni do things even if they seem unwise, COMPLETE CORRUPTION OF HER FUNCTION. Wondering why?
Because she’s supposed to TALK IT OUT. She’s supposed to DEBATE AND REASON, and with that suddenly being TAKEN from us, in order to SURVIVE, her function is “skipping a step” and just letting things occur that SHOULD be questioned because she’s not “ALLOWED” to question currently.
She is losing all her honor, integrity, wisdom, fortitude, etc. she is dying.

Laurie wondering if she “needs to die” because she thinks she “came back wrong” after cnc.
Honestly I think we all did. It wasn’t a real solid resurrection; it was a gradual, feeble “coalescing” into shadows of our former selves.
We need a HARD REBOOT so that we come back COMPLETE.

jo IS reviving???? name change. "yosifina" or something. definitely an i or y beginning, not j.

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0710

John 6 discourse makes SO much easy sense when you ask, just like a psychologist, "what is your heart hungry for? How can you feed your soul today?" And those instinctive, literally visceral responses APPLY TO CHRIST. THAT'S what He means by "you must EAT Me." You're feeding your HEART & SOUL with Him! It's like how you would "eat" music (I have a playlist for that), or devour a book, or drink in a beautiful landscape. You get the idea!
BUT the faith that enables this ALSO allows for the next huge step in the Eucharist: the ACTUAL physical "eating" of Christ, more of a "consuming & being consumed," a mutual Communion, a fusion of selves, etc. Think Infi. Think cardiophagy. There is an even DEEPER and more sacred hunger, that TOUCHES & SANCTIFIES THE PHYSICAL, that Christ meets.
Humankind was CREATED TO BE UNITED TO GOD. The Fall wrecked this for a time. Christ comes as the Tree of Life to FIX & RESTORE us. THAT is why He gives His flesh as bread: because it's the ONLY WAY to LITERALLY GET DIVINITY BACK INTO OUR PHYSICAL BODIES. We're actually SUPPOSED to eat God. It's absolutely insane & gorgeous & Ineffable, I love being Catholic
It's also shockingly obvious: how does a mother feed her children? SAME THING.

Think like a child & it's all apparent.
What is eating? It's taking something into yourself so you can stay alive, and it will make you strong & help you grow.
"Food is fuel"; food comes from other living things, either plants or animals. Their life is given up & becomes part of our life.
Etc. CONTINUE

"only believe, and thou hast eaten; " reflect on what this says ABOUT the nature of belief
ALSO "eat His body in a spiritual manner" = think of the basic concept of ANCHOR PLUSHES. Substance vs accidents. This is spiritual vs physical BUT ALSO BOTH.
"If you with to enter into the spirit of my words, raise your hearts to a more elevated and spiritual way of understanding them" = if you only think of this as regular food, as normal eating, you MISS THE ENTIRE TRUTH. The Capernaum folks couldn't get their minds off the manna & bread, so they were blind to the actual point. Their understanding was stuck on the CARNAL level... like being stuck in SOCIAL MODE.
"The flesh profiteth nothing" WITHOUT SPIRIT INSIDE IT. But the spirit does not destroy the body, otherwise the Incarnation wouldn't have happened! The really beautiful thing is the SANCTIFICATION of it!
"I live by the Father, proceeding always from him" = a CONTINUED action; so too must be our eating & be-ing as a result; UNITED EXISTENCE; symbiotic?? Indivisible
""so [too is] he that eateth me," = first by faith only, by believing in me;" = if you have no faith in His Divinity you cannot receive it, BECAUSE you won't come to Him FOR it!!! Without faith you are treating the Sacrament with GRAVE IRREVERENCE. Saint Paul warned about this. You can still eat it "as bread," sure, but without faith it's a ghastly sin, for obvious reasons. Ask any lotophagoi.

"God is said to draw them to himself by special and effectual graces, yet without any force or necessity, without prejudice to the liberty of their free-will. A man, says St. Augustine, is said to be drawn by his joys, and by what he loves... We are drawn to the Father by some secret joy, delight, or love, which brings us to the Father. "Believe and you come to the Father," says St. Augustine, "Love, and you are drawn... [many] could not believe, because they would not love" ???
TYPE ABOUT THIS.
WHAT do we love? What do we enjoy & find happiness in? THAT IS WHAT POTENTIALLY DRAWS US TO GOD????
Use this for EVANGELIZATION

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0713

90M INTAKE, SYSTEM ONLINE BUT STANDING ASIDE??? Very peculiar, unmistakable feeling
WRECKAGE SPOKE!!!!
We think the main social fronter, that talks, is actually JAYCE??? It's NOT Jack!!

Roadwork meditation trees

Home, exhausted
More jobs & requests from mom. Refusing to complain or grumble. Accepting it all with open mind & heart

Barry murdered ONE bottle

"Dump truck mindset" culture
Julie lamenting over Potiphar's wife; "I was just as capable of that"

Jesus as Mediator is SO DIFFERENT from other religions because it SERVES A RELATIONSHIP.
Other faiths have worship, or self-deification. Christianity is the ONLY one that brings us TO GOD, BY GOD, to be WITH GOD. There is a PERSONAL, INTIMATE, FAMILIAR LOVE that is unique to our faith.

SYSTEM RELEVANCE (ESPECIALLY LAURIE; THIS IS HER TRUE FUNCTION & PAST STRUGGLE)=

"The scribes and the Pharisees were the legal experts of the day; to them problems were taken for decision. It is clear that to them authority was characteristically critical, censorious and condemnatory. That authority should be based on sympathy, that its aim should be to reclaim the criminal and the sinner, never entered their heads. They conceived of their function as giving them the right to stand over others like grim invigilators, to watch for every mistake and every deviation from the law, and to descend on them with savage and unforgiving punishment; they never dreamed that it might lay upon them the obligation to cure the wrongdoer.
There are still those who regard a position of authority as giving them the right to condemn and the duty to punish. They think that such authority as they have has given them the right to be moral watch-dogs trained to tear the sinner to pieces; but all true authority is founded on sympathy... The first duty of authority is to try to understand the force of the temptations which drove the sinner to sin and the seductiveness of the circumstances in which sin became so attractive. No man can pass judgment on another unless he at least tries to understand what the other has come through. The second duty of authority is to seek to reclaim the wrongdoer. Any authority which is solely concerned with punishment is wrong; any authority, which, in its exercise, drives a wrongdoer either to despair or to resentment, is a failure. The function of authority is not to banish the sinner from all decent society, still less to wipe him out; it is to make him into a good man. The man set in authority must be like a wise physician; his one desire must be to heal."

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0716

Cayenne = can he come back If his anchor remains?
Would also take the "automated name" off poor Scalpel
Did ALL Daengels have TRUE hearthosts like Infi or did they just STICK to resonant hearts???
After all CHOCOLOCO defied that assumption and is STILL AROUND.
Remember Axis too, w the homily on dirt

Laurie: "Saying you like prog rock is your own brand of pretentious assholery. I advise you to quit now, before your brain makes receptors for it"

Said Vespers together
Wreckage & Razor magnificat

Fire alarm, looking through old Moralimon tablets as usual
G2 was HEAVEN
Still love the Seers so much

Scalpel "we're being cheapened" = doing generic daily stuff IN PLACE OF actual anchors. Hence the anger & sadness. It's LOSS, of purpose in action, being shoved into a lesser, unfulfilling, unrelated "job" that cheats their spirit.
INNER NOUSFONI SHOULD NEVER BE DOING OUTSIDE JOBS!!!!!!

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0730
dream notes
In dream
Wind, flying. Whitefog fading out in distance
Women forcing pregnancy talk. Melody with us? Acting Childlike. In stupor?
On porch with bro? Lady sweetalking, trying to get info?
Came to us. Grabbed shoulders? IMMEDIATELY started screaming crying for help like a tiny child. JUST AS FAST, WRECKAGE TOOK OVER. Turned on the woman with all claws & rage. Told her "get your fcking hands off of my children"

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0731

Nightmares about mom
Dismantled Christmas tree, "i thought i was doing you a favor"
WRECKAGE & LAURIE FRONTING IN DREAM
SOMEONE Growling & hissing at white toybreed dog that got into our apartment?? THEN Wreckage took over? Blurry. Immediate snarling response felt like someone else, faceless & confronting maybe. But we KNOW such a foni exists in waking. That instinct is STILL THERE. Wreckage shares it, but not so animalistic. Wreckage will growl as a threat, but NEVER this loud cat-like hissing!! CHILDHOOD "SELF" DID THAT TOO REMEMBER!!!!

Up at 1111, got ready for TV church SUPER fast haha
Two Canadian churches? Second was St Clare with the COLORED LIGHTS!
Homily: God works His Victory through APPARENT FAILURES! Cross, golden calf, also the MUSTARD TREE & YEAST??? Parallel we never noticed! "Would have shocked the audience" "no farmer wants a mustard tree in the middle of his field; no housewife wants her bread dough to start fermenting" AND YET, God works GOOD from it.
https://www.scielo.org.za/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S1015-87582013000200014 READ THIS BRO
Second homily: crisis reveals character (crisis reveals Christ-is)! Be willing to "drop everything" to be a messenger of God's Love to others. Laurie saying "kid that's what you've been doing lately, by grace" TRUE, humbly & joyfully, may God increase that grace for His sake
Spiritual Communion. We needed this actually; it sinks in deeper & hits harder. We LACK FAITH??? Not just in Christ, in EVERYTHING. Somehow, since CNC we have become DEAD IN DOUBT & DISBELIEF, based on SHAME & CYNICISM????? WHY & HOW??? THIS ISN'T US!!!
Deep down KNOWING we believe but as an ACT OF WILL. No emotions. Does that still count? Feels like we're at war.
Asking for God to "set my heart on fire" = looked at the RING!! "Just like that"

Rosary now. Want to do this with biking before we eat.
We're back to listening to music and looking at the photo gallery while we say the rosary. It helps SO much; it makes it feel more real and genuine, more personally involved & NOT automated.

Egg trouble, had to toss & redo. Hidden blessing though.
AMAZING devotionals today.
1. Mustard seed growth ACTIONS, good AND bad
2. Call to faith & vocation DOES have dry & dark periods
3. Fast & pray IN LOVE for YOUR "ENEMIES" like Moses did

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Up for SHJ Mass. Klonoa alarm, deeply soothing.
Needed it because of CNC dream hack flat nightmare

Jade pickup. Listening to Milliontown
Car talk focused on gender. very upsetting, disturbing
At one point she referenced the BARKING. Said it was because of a visceral rage-hate at her identity feeling threatened? And her thought process was-- and I quote-- "KILL IT."
ALSO said that if her therapist continued to deny her hormones because she was suicidal, she'd have to "mess him up" and next time would "bring her knife."
YEAH. And yet she Cannot comprehend why we were/all scared of her when she'd be so unstable.

Wegmans stop
MASSIVE MENTAL SPACE DIFFERENCE between social mode & internal anchoring. We'd never FELT that in such sudden succession before. Disturbing.
Hard to stay stable in store. Genesis & Laurie helping, reminding me to use ANCHOR OVERLAYS to stay in body.
At one point Laurie was telling me not to do something? And she reached out to move my face towards her. This did stop me, but it also was a bit triggering-- too soft. She noticed & admitted & apologized for this, but it still worked... so she immediately shifted to grab the hair at the back of my head to lift me up a bit, just that slight violence. Well let me tell you that LIT my heart UP. Immediately brought me back into myself, shut down social inanity.

Got figs for car emergency food. Struck me just how MANY foods have "trauma terror" attached to them. Our past is a terrible shambles in that regard; how did we ever live??

Waiting for jade now. Hoping we'll be able to make it to Saint Anne's on time.

"A man of discernment, meditating on the healing Divine Providence, bears with thanksgiving the misfortunes that come to him. He sees their causes in his own sins, and not in anyone else. But a mindless man, when he sins and receives the punishment for it, considers the cause of his misfortune to be God, or people, not understanding God's care for him." (St. Maximus the Confessor)
...So many of our thriskefoni think like that. They literally think that every single little thing "bad" that happens is GOD PUNISHING US. They have this mindset that God is "bullying them" or "pushing them around," never seeing Him as gentle or kind or merciful, ONLY as a brutalizer. Yes we were raised that way but it's FALSE and TOXIC and we NEED to heal this.
...It's actually so much easier, and weirdly reassuring, to see misfortunes simply as consequences of our sins? Of course we don't want to sin, and their reality is terrifying, but... seeing the cause & effect is so much more sensible than thinking God is just treating us like a punching bag. Nope, it's just our own stupidity coming back to bite us. God's the one holding that rabid dog back, so that we don't get as chewed up & spit out as we rightly deserve. We forget that.

MADE IT for Eucharist at Novena!
Traffic killed me haha
Eiffel tower sermon, we presumed the point was "I said no because I had thought I had already seen it all" = blinded self to possibility of miracles & beauty & wonder even in what he considered commonplace, or cliche, or overhyped, etc. Actual punchline was "i said no to seeing it because i was afraid of heights" and THAT robbed him of the experience of joy. Hit hard, thinking of "fear of heights" symbolically, and applying it as such. we're guilty of that too. why?

Home for 1pm

Mimic smirking about the water bottles "knowing their hour is coming"
ALSO in car to octopath theme, to Barry: "I don't have to follow that path anymore"? FREEDOM. Saying he was detaching from his past so much that he no longer remembered what it was like TO be that villain, and he was HAPPY. Never thought he'd feel like this, or have a blank slate future hope. Actually smiling, almost teary.
Barry pondering this. Is it because you have another world to go to? Wondering where HE would fit, and how-- unlike Mimic, he was rather strongly tied to his Canon self? Limitedly so but still. What would he have to forget, or leave behind, to truly become someone new and free?

Daily reflection, mentioned egyptian oppression, pinged a regretful MARKUS. He was all YELLOW/AMBER??? Laurie asked why aren't you violet, Markus said the color needs to stabilize, and besides he always had a split resonance. Still felt wrong, off. He was carrying FAR too much anxiety/ worry. What happened to that hopeful bravado that once defined him? We NEED to go into heartspace.
Markus also said his color, and self as a nativized outpacer, DEPENDED ON HIS LEAGUEWORLD. Until that developed properly, HE would be unstable too.

CZ response "what moves you to worship"= "God didn't forsake chaos. He came to it, and stayed close to it, and out of it He made all things. He didn't reject it as hopeless, or destroy it as evil. He hovered over it like a bird, protecting its child. He saw in that formless waste, the potential nevertheless for infinite beauty. And He made it so."

Bible overstudy. Exhausted & fearful, kept making a mess of food. God warning? What am I doing to make Him mad?

"But it will not be of any use to look back on the mistakes, the faults, the lost days, unless it leads to something more than regret. It is easy enough to feel sorrow, but sorrow alone will not avail us unless we repent of the past, and repentance does not only mean being sorry. It means a desire for a better future. Well, then, let us look forward, and strive to learn from the experience of the past, and to do better by God’s help in the future."

Stupid small purge, thanks to tasting muffins. Stupid.
Felt so so sick & miserable after. Why do we STILL do this.
Feeling dead & empty & starving & sad inside. Numb from grief.

...

Jesus saves, redeems, AND restores

Laurie commenting that Love is the only motivation that can stop someone from being a selfish jerk, basically
"Elaborate on that." Why? "Because I don't want you running away from such a revelation"
Mimic "love holds you to a higher standard" "you start to live for others; but I believed that no one would want to live for me in return"? "It was all survival" "I couldn't give what I didn't have [given to me first]" etc.
Love means LOYALTY.

Laurie: to give up everything for God "is only hard because of fallen nature. But if you do it for love, its the easiest thing in the world"
"Problem is, love can keep you holding on, too, if its in the wrong direction. But any love turned earthwards gets mangled, it poses itself. It doesn't act like love anymore."

⭐⭐⭐"we must be saved in order that we may be good, and not that we must be good in order that we may be saved"

Mimic lecturing Barry
"You have to acknowledge them AS sins, you bonehead" "I've thought about this. To admit that somethings a sin means that you recognize it as something offensive, and harmful, not necessarily to the body but to the soul. And THAT acknowledgement requires a whole new way of thinking about life. The existence of sin itself admits a much bigger and more serious moral picture than we want to admit, when we're the ones vandalizing it."

(unfinished)

Little heartspace event last night: walking in snow with Barry, Mimic, Phlegmoni, Scalpel, and almost Galadia (she was late). Biblically accurate snow angels joke
Hearing them TALK. Phleg's voice so unclear, Barry's clear as a bell, MIMIC clear too??? Shocked me. His exact tone apparent.
Remember looking at Scalpel's face, echoes of Javier; afraid of retroactive blurring

Infinitii is my "THORN" to teach me HUMILITY & MERCY!! (READ THAT BOOK!!!)
THIS is the TRUE function of Daengels; their species MAY need a name change to reference this

So much pain. Wondering if its how we sleep.
Constant nightmares now btw. Ghadius give me a break. Ironically this is making me miss Ventrium again. So strange how we get hit by "intangible grief"; the emotions are cut off from the knowledge of great loss, but their absence is conspicuous.
Nightmares about rape, vomiting, forcefeeding, bathrooms, slavery, medical experimentation, homelessness, dehumanization in general. Why.

...

Fibromyalgia SO BAD at church.
We didn't realize how many weird symptoms this had until we looked it up last night; it explained a LOT.
Apparently thermoregulation problems are a thing. Same with the brain fog, intense fatigue & achy joints, PAINFUL light touches, hypersensitivity to smells & sounds, and muscle spasms. YEAH, THAT'S ALL FIBRO.

Got so dark outside the windows were nearly black
SOAKED haha. Had to walk through a veritable river to get to my car, up to our ankles
Drenched by the time we got home; Took this as divine permission to do laundry

Barry & Mimic are officially bros at this point, even if Mimic is still constantly annoyed by Barry's amusingly airheaded antics. I can feel/see the shift though; it's become a benign begrudgement, haha.

Scalpel trying to be more calm about the spicing. Paying attention we noticed an "INDISCRIMINATE" lotophagoi girl is responsible?? Like she's not tied to any specific food, but to the motivation of "we have to add more" or "it's not enough"??? Anxiety drive but weirdly "blurry eyed," like she's depersonalized? Trauma compulsion feeling. DIFFERENT from the girl saying "we have to finish this," "we can't put that back" etc. Her motive is INTENSE ANXIETY bordering on panic, and she's wide awake. Spicing girl feels almost sedated, or otherwise high. Hmmm.

Knife hit by anger when half-fronting & talking to Laurie; social dialogue programming kept getting shoved at him.
He said the anger is a result of social interference; its a LOSS OF SELF.
Leon felt this too, straight-up backed way off from the front because the front was trying to "redefine him," which notably was ALSO pushing him BLUE!!!
Laurie said we need someone in the blue slot so that Leon can't get shoved into it? It won't be "vacant." Waldorf asked why didn't she count? Laurie said she felt SAPPHIRE?? But a MIDslot, like Vermilion? Would make sense if her true role is to be that bridge.

...

Mom phone call, might have to pick up jade at 10pm
Triggered compulsive complainer social. WHY. Why do we have to be dramatic about everything? Why can't we just say "oh yeah, sure, I'll do it!" because that's what we ACTUALLY want to say! But no, these automated & unwilling complaints happen instead. WHY.

Callback, don't have to go. But suppressing inexplicable tears & complaining AGAIN because we had literally just sat down to eat when the phone rang again, almost exactly an hour after the first one.
We're wrecked. We're so exhausted. It feels like there are no breaks, no rests, ever. We're so tired we can barely think.
Oh well. At least all the extra chores & errands are done for today. Everything left is either routine cleanup or prayer. That'll still take about 90m minimum, and we need to sleep tonight or tomorrow's busy schedule will wreck us even further.
God if we don't do this as a System we'll die. Please. Help us to live as US.

VoTD is ROMANS 8:18 SON!!!

"SEASONS" are "TIMES OF SOWING & REAPING"!!

-----------------------------------

Saint Augustine is killing me:

"Do not think that thou art drawn unwillingly: the mind is drawn also by love... it is too small a thing to be drawn by the will, thou art drawn by love also..."
"It is not necessity, but love which draws. It is not obligation, but delight. With how much greater force ought we to say that man is drawn to Christ who delights in the truth, who delights in blessedness, in justice, who delights in life everlasting, which is altogether Christ."
"Show me a lover; he feels what I say. Show me one who desires, who is hungry, one who wanders in the wilderness, and is thirsty, who sighs for the fountains of the eternal country; show me such a one, he knows what I say. But if I speak to one whose heart is cold, he knows not what I say."
"He said not, He will lead, but He will draw. That violence is done not to the flesh, but to the heart. Wherefore then dost thou marvel? Believe, and thou comest; love, and thou art drawn. Do not suppose that violence is rough and troublesome: it is sweet and pleasant, the very sweetness draws thee. Is not a hungry sheep drawn to the green grass? And I think it is not impelled by the body, but drawn by desire. So also do thou come to Christ; do not contemplate a long journey. Where thou believest, thither thou comest. For to Him who is everywhere, we come by loving, not by journeying."

SERIOUSLY.
That is a STRAIGHT SHOT at not just me but ALSO LAURIE & INFI.

Lapide similarly, on the vital concepts of "holy violence" and "drawn by love" both:
"The drawing then of God signifies the force and efficacy of grace. This drawing is sweet and mild, not compelling the free-will, but alluring, soothing, leading it to believe. It also signifies man’s weakness, and vicious desires, which are repugnant to Christian faith and holiness, so that a man needs not so much to be led as dragged by the vehement impulse of God’s grace to Christian faith and virtue This is what Christ saith (Matt. xi. 12), “The kingdom of Heaven suffereth violence, and the violent seize it.” For the drunkard ought to do violence to his gullet, the unclean to his lust, the avaricious to his avarice, the ambitious man to his ambition."

Up until like 4
Decent sleep though!

Mass
Summer dissociation notice

Oblates
SJE luminous rosary VISUALS

Home for 130
Julie helping us get out summer clothes
Prevented social overtake!

Wall prayers
Seeing vs fronting

BK prep
Lynne & Wreckage
JAY PUSHED OUT ENTIRELY
CANNOT CHOOSE OR FORCE BUT THERE HE WAS

Daily devotional about PHYSICAL MATTER CREATED FOR ETERNITY etc

DMV online trouble
Have to do stuff with mom TONIGHT
Going to be difficult & triggering. God give us grace & strength

Genesis telling Barry "you're kinda stealing our thunder here"

Verse of the day
BEAR FRUIT = more references to the MARRIAGE SYMBOLISM
Virgin birth vs cloning????
"[Christ] is the Source [of life itself]... anything that's made is because of His life-giving power.... Anything worth being or doing starts with HIM!"

Scalpel fronting to high-five Xennie for being in "the spicy club"

PICREW!!!!!!!!
Spent like FOUR HOURS on it. So much absolute intrasystem joy and love. I missed seeing everyone's faces in a TANGIBLE sense.
really thank God. this meant so much. our soul needed this desperately.

Audio notes when falling asleep:
Lying in bed talking to Jesus, telling him that "I don't always recognize I love You show from the cross; it's not as 'obvious' as the love I recognize in the System"?
Jesus said that all of Laurie's love and protection, all of Chaos's love and fidelity, All of that is brought to perfection on the cross.
Then Jesus told me that all that love Chaos has for me, Jesus is the one that gave him that Grace of love TO love me with in the first place.
It always starts with God, Who is love itself... and yes, He loves me.

we are STILL WRECKED and i just miraculously surfaced from a solid hour of negative dissociation (terrible) so here we are attempting to update.

morning. woke up at 10. oddly lovely outside. decided to just lie in bed with chaos 0 and say the rosary on his aquamarine one.
shockingly non-stressful. took a huge burden of panic off the day itself too, now that the biggest prayer was done.
barely remember getting ready, typical. no idea who fronts during that time or if it's just an automated blur with everyone upstairs (most likely).

went to church at 1130 as usual.
readings hit hard. susanna and the adulterous woman. felt julie AND infi upstairs weeping.
homily had one absolutely killer sentence. we were so brainfogged we barely comprehended it but the core of it struck our heart. exact words were "god is not a divine watchman." he is not waiting for you to mess up so he can punish you. "jesus delights to forgive us" essentially. still reeling from it. we've heard that truth a thousand times but it always sinks in deeper. he did not throw the stone. he never will. boggles the mind

afterwards went to doctor. different guy-- nurse assistant. heavyset dude but in that "soft edged" way that is weirdly safe on guys??? like he was completely rounded off. no edges. but SAFE. why is that not so with adult women? is that just motherfear??
anyway. incredibly amiable, elbow-bumped us twice which was great. very upbeat and bright voiced. honestly an uplifting appointment, that's not something you usually say after a doctor's visit haha. he ordered blood tests: our routine CMP to check for electrolyte levels (we're STILL twitchy), a testosterone check, and a pulmonary function test? because of all this sudden-onset dyspnea. had to drive to other clinic to get it done.
decided to do so. system was a bit unsure but i said dude tomorrow's schedule will be worse. so we went up. walked right in, barely waited two minutes, then this adorable phlebotomist with a krylon red waistlength ponytail, cinnamoroll backpack, plush white jacket, and nazar bracelets called us back. seriously she was SO CUTE.
bruise was out for the blood draw. they are so elusive, only show up for that. they still remember the hospital they were "born" in. can't get their face or overlay but we know it's them. so many foni like that-- rare, vague, but real. honestly i love them. i treasure their existences.
we were really bleeding??? they only took one vial but the needlejab kept bleeding. she asked if we were on blood thinners, we said no, but mentally thought, welp this is what all that black pepper does i guess. made a mental note to cut back geez

went straight home. body starting to feel a little off, unsurprisingly because it was already almost 3 which meant like 18 hours fasting again. man.
looped "yankı" and "teletype" this ENTIRE time btw, mostly the latter. they are our current song addictions. for the record, a song only goes on our looplist when it resonates. so, whatever the state of our heart-mind is currently, those two songs match it. we really should make a list somewhere and keep track of this-- i never realized how much it says about our psyche at any given moment. that's vital information.
for the record, jonathan higgs is ALSO tops on our list of "gender euphoria" voices actually. which seems bizarre because he's alongside liam mckahey and philip kane and ed harcourt and the like, BUT jon has that way of singing that is all hiccupy and gasping breaths and faltering tight vocals and it's gorgeous what the heck. we would love to sound like that when we sing, it's so raw and honest and real. strangely heartfelt. we love it.
also for the record, that IS scalpel's legit singing voice. several 'foni do have external voicematches in song, which is ANOTHER list we have to make, and it's a beautiful thing to hear and realize. it's also so powerful an anchor that it can boost life and love into one's soul to such an extent... i can't find the words but remember, the ONLY reason we even FOUND scalpel was BECAUSE of that one awful beautiful day in CNC when we put "get to heaven" on loop and just tried to run away. and he just woke up for real. totally and tangibly. i will never forget how it felt, in that moment when suddenly his existence was undeniable in our chest, in our mind, in our life. singing with that voice. i think that's our favorite moment from the whole time we were out there, offhand at least. it transcended everything else.

oh man still so much more to type. why are we so ragged tired.
sorry we didn't take notes today, that would have made it easier, but our schedule was a mess.

breakfast prep. honestly the highlight of our day besides mass. everyone is together.
on that note everyone is trying to figure out "jobs" to ensure they are part of it. it sounds silly at a glance, but really it's cooperation. it's living as a family, really. as a community of souls united. it means so much. this new daily normal of friendship and love and conversation is amazing because we could NEVER have this externally. socials CANNOT do this. it is only possible inside. thank God, thank You God for this apartment, for this blessedly rich aloneness, for this quiet outside and joy inside.
quick note on that previous point. one of the "jewels"-- the one who is more of a "mental manager," still unsure if she's a total separate or just a facet of the main dreamwalker-- actually SHIFTED the nia/emma/"sheralene" trio INTO "STORYSPACE"??? not leaguespace, but CLOSE. it's a floatrealm of "potentiality" in which they can exist in a greater context as PEOPLE and not just "fleeting" socials that exist for hyperspecific jobs and then inevitably die when said jobs disappear or are changed. really, roni like that ABSOLUTELY need their own jargon; they are ONLY born when the mind is fractured and/or unstable enough to not be able to cope with changes in context/ behavior/ environment, and needs to hypersegregate functions THAT MUCH in order to function at all. like doppelgangers, though, they are not meant to stick around. theirs are brief lives, and it's effectively impossible to bring them upstairs as a result. they are doomed UNLESS APPARENTLY JEWEL DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
even so. lynne asked her why, was it just out of annoyance with them? like was this action done for an impure reason? jewel said partly, admittedly, but that was only because of the MENTAL EXHAUSTION that was happening from having to suddenly SHIFT TO SOCIAL MODE EVERY TIME THEY SHOWED UP. then we'd have to go back upstairs, then back down, etc. like a whiplash, as we said. jewel said it was getting so excruciating, both in pain and overwhelm, that she had to do something. otherwise we risked tearing the system apart.
so. julie and lynne did the carrots instead, while talking to xenophon who was ghosting, AND listening to the conversation from everyone else upstairs in the background. and THAT showed us something ELSE amazing-- THAT KIND OF "BACKUP" FRONTING PREVENTS DISSOCIATIVE SOCIAL-PROGRAM BEHAVIOR!! when julie is fronting with her overlay in focus, but lynne is at her shoulder upstairs, that combined "external action BUT internal anchor" based on TWO PEOPLE is powerfully solid and it keeps everyone FOCUSED AND REAL. i must emphasize: NOT SO WITH SOCIALS!!! socials are infamous for being so disheveled and blurry-minded that not only can they not resist body impulses or programmed behaviors, they also don't record memories on their own and have NO DEPTH OF IDENTITY. we can apparently bypass ALL that catastrophe by having two people drive this body. so that was a VITAL realization today.

other things...

there was some brief but notable "flirting" between julie and infinitii. there was last night, too, with the chocolate kisses. no one is surprised that those two get along so well, but on the other hand, it's a legit MIRACLE that the both of them are in a position to do so safely and affectionately. they both have the WORST pasts in the entire system, arguably. so it's nice, honestly so, seeing such interactions.

at SOME POINT during prep, i cannot remember what prompted it because we were admittedly dissociating right before, but memory kicks in with scalpel saying, about leon, "i could be his boyfriend" in response to some question. totally guileless, like it was just regular conversation. that endearing obliviousness he has. leon just stopped everything, not looking at him, silent as the impact of those words hit home. laurie effectively said to scalpel "that's a seriously significant function, man, do you really realize what that entails?" and to everyone's surprise, scalpel got serious & noble and said "yeah. it means i'd be there for him, and i'd care for him, and i'd be his constant friend, and i'd love him no matter what. i can do that, if he wants me to." HONESTLY SCALPEL WHAT MOTIVATED THIS.
anyway. i think laurie was responding with a similar "wow okay so i guess you do know what you're signing up for" when suddenly leon turns and throws his arms around scalpel and starts to sob. for his credit, scalpel immediately and strongly returned the embrace with notable earnestness, then asked (with no timidity at all, mind) if he had said something out of place, or jumped the gun, or whatever. leon said no, that was pretty much why he was reacting like this. cannot remember their conversation; that's only right, as it was meant to be more personal, even if everyone was around (that's default up here in any case). i do remember leon weeping over nathaniel at one point. "i miss him so much." scalpel responding to this with utmost warmth by pursuing the topic, gently. just leading statements about nat. "he was such and such... right?" that sort of thing. focus entirely off of himself. just genuine concern & comforting. but geez. it was so sweet to see. also remember that at one point at the beginning, when leon was talking through tears, scalpel responded in comfort by just turning briefly to kiss him on the head, firmly and with utmost compassion. reminded me of laurie, but different underlying vibe. reds are so... geez i keep using the word "guileless." candid. ingenuous. at heart they're totally open. laurie said that they're, amusingly enough, sanguine. which sums it up perfectly really.
so yeah. that happened. it was deeply sweet and honestly jay has been "feeling it" under the radar from leon at least for about a week now if not longer. different with scalpel he says-- warm hues and cool hues hold emotions differently. if you lean blue, you're more quiet, reflective, holding hopes inside, waiting, dreaming, softer, hiding depths. if you lean red, you're more forthright, direct, expressing things openly, being more spontaneous, solid and steady, acting on dreams, warm and bright and simpler. hard to put into words. it's all feeling. of course this varies with tints and shades and people who are "inbetween" like laurie, haha.
but it's really nice. we do need to think and feel about that more. jay's good at getting "vibe" data from people, need better jargon for that too because we don't like the cultural use of that word. frustrating. want to use words like "ether" and "aura" but those have newagey junk associations. ah well. we will think of something.

for the record, because it makes us smile, here's the current breakfast prep gang.
laurie: keeps everyone on track and gives the orders
jay: initial tool & ingredient prep, also broccoli apparently
xenophon: cheerleader, keeps fronters stable, gets bonus food
julie: olive oil, also typically fronts for generalized behavior
lynne: carrots
leon: eggs
knife & razor: cutting up the eggs
scalpel & phlegmoni: cayenne pepper bros
celebi: salt (the "second most important thing," her and julie bantering)
spice: black pepper & cinnamon, also making sure the previous three people don't go crazy
genesis, infi, and chaos 0: hang out upstairs and keep the conversation interesting
galadia: possibly giving her triscuit duty? (right now it's jay & julie)
algorith: straight-up throws the towel on the chair
barry: shows up just to get his name on the list
mimic: stabbing the water bottles
it's great. we love it.
we honestly want to bring more people into this. even if just for that hour or so every morning. that attention is still life-sustaining, loving, and precious. the more we can give to each other, the more time we can share, the better.

ate from like... 330 to 430. cleaned everything up then read the church book club chapters for tonight (we need to read them right before or we will forget from how much else gets memorystored over it).
cannot remember the meeting, as usual. socialmode takes over. we still don't know "who" is in charge. it's a familiar vibe, for sure, but it's still unnamed and uncolored and ungraspable? like that person is completely unpingable outside of her context. honestly though that's typical for socials; they DON'T EXIST UPSTAIRS or it would BREAK THEIR FUNCTION. emphasizing that because it's the opposite of the internal nousfoni. again, hyperspecificity. no bleedover, no blurring.
however, there is vague memory data again where it brushed closely to us.
there was some brief discussion about the "widow's mite" and how we have always lived "on the edge of poverty" so we "felt like the rich religious who gave out of obligation but not out of love"??? surprising. often "too scared to give as much as we wanted" because "afraid we can't pay the bills." except WHO IS SAYING THIS because we are INFAMOUSLY OFTEN BROKE BECAUSE we keep putting so much money into the collection baskets, haha. we love to give to the church. but we do have to be prudent. nevertheless "we have decided in our heart TO GIVE, however much we can, we WILL" without shackling ourself to a dollar sign and making it a cold anxious duty instead of a warmly generous gift.
some vaguetalk about our struggles. afraid of "subtly denying God." peter not denying He existed, but denying their relationship. somehow more fatal that way. little "sins of omission," failing to give details of my "faith," afraid to use His Name, not admitting to mom that we went to church, scared to pray in public. BUT WHY. said we'd never really "investigated" the reasons there and it disturbed us. note to selves: that's our job. ironically the system DOESN'T have religious shame. the socials DO. there's definitely a reason for that but, again, surprisingly, it's not evident at all. so we have to look for it.
other point. wedding at cana. "my dear, why are you telling me this? my hour has not yet come." hearing that spoken with a laugh. as if it had been said in headspace. "beloved, i already noticed!" "i'm not unaware" etc. but lovingly. "i do know, and i do care, don't worry. you don't have to tell me!" and yet, "my hour hasn't come." heard by us as, "believe me, i want to do something, but it's not the right time, not the right place." the whole feeling of "mom i already want to help, don't make it worse!" with a smile. and mary, "do whatever he tells you," leaving the options open. if he says yes or no, do that. i don't know. still meant a lot, that thought. like that's how jesus response to our prayers of worried petition. "we're out of wine; we're out of joy, out of zeal, out of energy." the looming shame, the inability to serve others, the lack of life. jesus looking at us with a smile tugging at his mouth, "how does that involve me?" wanting us to answer. appreciating the asking. i hope so. but already knowing he was going to act. just give him time. do whatever he tells you. even if he saves everything until the last second.

oh yeah. at beginning of meeting the leading woman told us "i was remembering what you said last week, about your friend at bible study, and i was inspired to look up the etymology of the words i kept praying, like "mercy"... it's really enriched my understanding and i want to thank you."
upstairs we were pinged. jay just looked over at mimic with the biggest sappiest grin. mimic was just, stunned. wide-eyed, almost abashed. two mentions of "your friend." and "thank you." and "you helped me." jay made a small but affectionate comment on this, no data of what. but mimic replied briefly in the astounded affirmative. the feeling of "i actually had a positive impact on someone??" and letting himself feel that strange consolation for a moment. like a single star in the night. hope. "this isn't so bad." hard to pick up on his data as he doesn't "globalshare" like a nousfoni. but he isn't as walled-off as he tries to be sometimes still i think. no bones after all. his words can be hard but there's something different deep down.

before i forget. at some point today mimic had a monologue, like he used to. cannot remember about what. but it was positive, although it had its edges of course. i think he was responding to laurie about something. either way he was speaking with serious earnestness and jay says one or two milliseconds of vulnerability. like hypersmall but THERE. the hairline fractures in the armor.

got home for 815. mom called the instant we opened the door.
said she was bringing up food. IMMEDIATE panic response. dissociated into jumbled fragments, could not think or hold conscious identity. unable to do anything as a result.
someone went online looking at pokedex?? all the new ones. profoundly disappointed in the direction the games have gone since xy. no longer "like" the series at all actually. lots of spiritual disagreement with the cultural concepts too, especially the animism and a lot of the stuff behind ghost/ dark/ fairy/ psychic/ fighting type bios. notably remember the dex entries for annihilape and ting-lu. disturbed. realizing how much "occult" and honestly borderline "evil" stuff IS in pokemon. very upset. remembering the real joy it brought us in 2000-2004, and arguably again with xy, and how now it's gone? there's too much that has changed.
still. conflicted. cannot deny the past, ALSO cannot deny that so many core-adjacent folks are legit "attracted to" certain pokemon. celebi is obvious, so are gleam and ventrium, and we have confirmed that it was a GIRL pseudocore that has feelings for galadia!! so that's notable. BUT remember no one talks about skittygirl, or gardevoir, or deoxys, or alakazam. they're all on the "it could happen to you" list haha. and TOSHINSEI is a league of his own, good lord. but that's the point. we can deny and suppress it, which we sadly have, but really we cannot shut that love off, it's impossible, it would require heart-numbing and we ALL see the lethal effects that has, because that's EXACTLY what the system and/or socials did to survive in EVERY OUTSIDE "RELATIONSHIP" TRAP. we don't want that inside. not anymore. problem is there ARE 'foni who exist TO fight affection and love and attraction and everything to do with relationship even in concept. they are the most brutal "not-quite-protectors" and they are POWERFUL because they literally kept our physical body alive by fighting tooth and bloody nail against those very real dangers in the past.
that's a whole topic that we need to discuss soon actually. the relationship aversion and how pervasive it has become in the wake of the most recent traumas. and yes they ARE traumas, you said yourself, if you can't run and can't cope and feel like you're going to die and after that's all you want to do, yes it is trauma. even if you playacted like it was okay. even if you won't admit you were scared to death even now. numbing out and wearing plastic smiles doesn't mean it's not traumatic. genuinely caring for the other person and wanting to live for them doesn't mean it's not traumatic when the process of doing so effectively eviscerates you. cnc was existentially horrifying. forgive the common phrase, it's the truth. it was the ultimate unresolvable war between morality and obligation, between affection and self-preservation, between identity and other. it didn't snap us in half, it shattered us like blownglass flung onto concrete. irreparable. and yet god we hope there's still a miracle of healing waiting somewhere, somehow. cannot reconcile the love with the terror. remembering how bad our addictions got. remembering how actively suicidal we were. remembering how we don't remember most of anything and didn't want to. et cetera.
can't deal with that tonight good lord how did we get on this subject. oh yeah. pokemon. isn't that tragically fitting.
nevertheless. so interesting to note that they are NON-CORE relationships for the most part. the core is always connected to chaos 0. ALWAYS. it is the sole most important and intrinsic criterion. but. pseudocores weirdly tend to gravitate to pocket monsters. is this because of their constancy in our life? is it because that is the world the original jewel, the first true core, used as her own anchor and launchpad? there's so much to wonder about.
anyway, that's what makes us even more sad that we haven't been able to play the games in almost ten entire years. and looking at the new pokedexes, we might not even want to. they don't feel like we know them, or could know them, anymore. they feel totally alien to us.
(one notable exception. remember the 2021 hospital girl and her OBSESSION WITH CALYREX. no one has typed about that besides her and no one has read her journal. FIX THAT.)
nevertheless. someone still wants to save up money, buy a celebi gba at last, find new-battery cartridges of silver & ruby and just... relive that joy. we miss it so much, honestly sometimes it's unbearable. which is shocking.
would you believe that is one of the ONLY things that will ALWAYS make the body cry? when we remember our old games, our old teams of 'mons, and how we lost them to cnc, how someone gave them away like they were worthless, how much we miss them... it could make us weep. there was SO MUCH LOVE in those games. god how did we never cherish that fact? how did the hyperreligious 'foni never realize that truth?
God i honestly could cry. i wonder if TBAS still has them. i wonder if they carelessly erased our data. what a horrible thought. what awful death. i don't think we could handle that. but it's a possibility.
stupid impossible dream hoping desperately that one day, we could get them back. one day, we could ask them, somehow, and get the games back. we could see our dearly loved friends again. all of them. i could name them all by heart.
god it aches so much.
nevertheless. jewel says, gently but with conviction, "there's always the league." "i can thread their souls into there," she says. "i won't let them die. i can give them a life bigger than what they had even then."
oh lord we hope so. we hope so. we should. give them lives of their own, free from this progressively mutating brand, keep them resonant with our heart and just as close. give them not just a restored present but a new future.
i think that would help us all.
there's so much unprocessed grief. i'm glad i realized this.

mom showed up around 845 i think. only stuck around for like 30 seconds. handed us the food and left. busy as always. god bless her though.
thank god it wasn't much food because we were terrified for some reason. felt damaged lotophagoi around the edges screaming in panicked fear. nousfoni trying to push through but brainfog was immense. literal terror from the smell of it. why? what was it triggering?
someone chewspit it all within two minutes. almost crying from fear. wanted it gone as soon as possible.
only data is from small chocolate chip cookies mom sent. julie immediately pinged. "uh oh, those are dangerous." like alarm bells. told us to be super careful or "very bad things could happen"
someone brushed teeth, we started to calm down and hard-depersonalize to recover (typical response), which detached us from the body and allowed headspace to come back online as it were.
someone washing dishes. we were still shaking and scared. as a result couldn't move body well and slipped, ended up splashing dishwater all over the counter, and into our actual food. had to throw it all out and start over. thank God it was just stuff we had prepped before the book club; easily fixed. but the problem was time. it was 9PM ALREADY. we were getting so weak and dizzy from only having ~900K the entire day.
jay and julie randomly sharing cleanup duty, while some terrified religious 'foni kept saying that "this is punishment for wasting mom's food. now god wasted ours, so we know how it feels." we solemnly agreed that this was correct. humbling and convicting. decided that from now on we can't "save her feelings" and instead flat-out say NO we don't want any food, yes we love you mom and we appreciate your caring generosity but we cannot accept this in good conscience because we need to take these dangerpanic responses seriously. if we take it there will only be disaster. it's not good. it's morally corruptive to pretend otherwise.
anyway. environment inside and out such a mess jay couldn't front. so JULIE DID.
honestly it is UNREAL how EASILY AND POWERFULLY SHE FRONTS. someone commented on this.
she responded by reminding us that, during the long-ago "julie days," this is what she wanted: complete control of our body. except back then, she wanted it to do "terrible things," to us and to others, she admitted ruefully. but now... there she was, taking care of the body, frankly better than anyone else, AND the only person to NOT get crushed to death by the dyspho/dysmo hell. she was just... fine. unfazed. "at home" even. she still cannot look in mirrors, or at the body itself-- that is still existentially jarring and it will shove even her out instantly-- but she can be IN it, as we do other things, without any trouble. it's miraculous, no exaggeration. we're so so grateful for her.
i remember she was "co-fronting" with lynne again. she kept inviting the breakfast crew around, even for a few seconds here and there, to get us all to stop shaking from stress and feel together again. which was really sweet and nice. she was also brave/brazen enough to eat one or two pieces of things out of bags and bowls, without any binge impetus, or carelessness. she said "i decided i wanted a piece" and that was that. also new kitchen rule is that if you are fronting and you ARE going to eat a piece of something in the kitchen, you MUST share it with xenophon. this keeps everyone accountable, and also helps prevent dissociative socials from showing up. plus xenophon takes her job seriously! she WILL call you out if you're acting unstable.

can't remember dinner. jay coming back in to read psalm 102 with mimic. remember him saying "well this is relevant." note that jay STILL "identifies" with honest pain despite the whitecore "sparkly-eyed" stereotype. he shares in the system suffering personally. his heart is apparently, intrinsically, still red. this is good. that shows he's not rotten inside like lotus ended up.

oh. jay says to write one thing. when he was cleaning up the kitchen and the body kept dissociating, the religious 'foni pushed us into floatspace. they kept "apologizing to God" frantically "i'm sorry for wasting mom's food i know that's why you punished us i'm sorry please don't kill us what can i do to make it better" and. the response they got was literally FROM THE CROSS. "it's all right. i know you're sorry and i forgive you. i've already paid the price for your sin. just don't do that anymore."
the girl felt the awful weight of that. even something as small as her wasting was a sin, a crime against love, and it must be atoned for. but she couldn't do it. only He could. and He was doing so, paying that price completely, with His Blood. right there. right now. and we knew we were responsible. we knew the gravity of sin and it was unbearable.
and suddenly, mimic was standing there too. he was a little ways away, wide-eyed with shock, looking up at the cross. tears streaming down his face. he turned to look at us then. "is that what it means??"
they had a conversation. all blood and nails. the Lamb and the octopus. we cannot remember it, it's all terrible painful gritted-teeth emotion, anger regret sorrow rage guilt confusion horror. and in response, patience compassion forgiveness justice mercy. despite the gored wrists. despite the bloodsunk eyes.
trying to just walk away. couldn't do it. trying to take the money and run but couldn't. the momentous exigency of the fact almost intolerable. "this is the freedom you wanted, isn't it?" paid in blood. and now what? how do you walk your old way knowing this? it leaves a wound. it haunts. the freely given death to save a life not even worth living, suddenly giving it that option. unbelievable. scared furious with the burden of selflessness. struck to the heart by the undeniable personal investment placed in him. hopelessly undeserving but nevertheless. admitted as the sordid felon he was and yet. take it or leave it. life or death. but it changes you.
remember clearly one line from the cross. one bleeding tender response to the why.
"because i don't want you to die."
simple profundity. broke everything in half.
whole scene stopped suddenly when we got back into the apartment. no idea what happened next inside or outside.

julie got us ready for bed.
she did all the kitchen cleanup. she kept nibbling on raisins and triscuits and carrots, but mindfully so? reassuring xenophon that she was only doing so because "this poor body really needs some more food" and we had barely hit 1400k for the day. "besides we won't be able to eat until at least 2pm tomorrow" so she wasn't worried. but she shared every bit, and kept talking to headspace, and stayed accountable and responsible and respectful.
she got really thrown off by the mirror at one point. commented pointedly how disturbing it was to "not see yourself in it." but she strongly pulled her overlay back in and kept going. god bless her she is LITERALLY keeping us alive lately in this unstable core period

tomorrow is church, adoration hour, then come home and eat, then actually an hour of freetime? maybe we can read or rest. but then go to church to clean up for holy week possibly, and if not, then just to the prayer & song service after. then home and eat dinner and type and sleep when it's all done.
exhausted, for real. but... deep down there's a joy. it's anchored in our faith and in our heartfamily. we're very grateful.

what else
nothing? long day. very tired . need slepe sleep oh hi! i'm back!
um nothing to write though. jay says he wants rl really wants to write about chaos 0. not tonight too much typing and also brain shift. too tired too much time. im tired too but say hello. hello!
okay that's it. oh wait no alsos ay we want to archive more post hospital book writing more. says it helps us love each other more. yes it does thats good!! but no time lately. too much outside body things. but learning he says? not as scary as used to. people helping. living in it together oh wow! thats good im glad that show it shoud be i think
okay. i barely type. front. cannot stay. tired! bye

(rough entry, no strength to refine further right now)

SO TIRED.
Brain fog and exhaustion. could barely get out of bed. legs felt like cement bruises.
forget how we finally moved. maybe laurie helped.

Church as usual, but since tuesday we also had our adoration + rosary hour!
time flew by. we never want to leave. deeply grateful we get to do this every week.

spontaneously tuned the guzheng, I really love this thing
Xenophon does too
mom wants us to sell it. all our life she's been like that though. we'd get a gift, and be told that one day we could sell it for money. hated how cash was always the end goal.
no we want to keep this. yeah it was expensive but it was bought as a hope for a brighter future we couldn't imagine, let alone see, as something that could immediately create beauty and sing of joy.
music means a lot to us, whether we admit it or not. we just... avoid it as a result, ironically. self-loathing and "defilement fear." like if this body touches it, it will be tainted forever by association. don't know why that negative belief STILL lingers.
nevertheless. some beautiful music in our apartment today. strings humming beneath our fingertips. there's something very sacred about it all.

BK prep fuzzy bc of fatigue and fasting way way too long
Also said DVM chaplet before we ate; getting all the prayers in first helps assuage guilt from pushing them later (plus it was already 3pm)

Knife & Razor comment on eggs today? as we were walking to table. said something about "trusting Jay to do the right thing", with cutting it or something? simple, but meant a lot to hear that casual but sincere confidence in his character.
Emma & Lynne are becoming very close. Emma is starting to talk a little. Feels like her color MIGHT CHANGE??? Which is hugely unprecedented; then again we've never seen a Lotophagoi become part of the Spectrum before. Wondering if there are "base hues" the nameless/faceless ones (need jargon) stick into, until/if they get an identity of their own outside of that programming??

Barry showing up "just to get his name listed" in the kitchen credits, he's such a loon
Jewel sudden revelation = "He never became an Inspacer because HE DIDN'T FIT ANYWHERE IN THE LEAGUE!!!" = there were NO RESONANT WORLDS for his "soulstring" to reattach to!!!
THAT EXPLAINS WHY PEOPLE LIKE GODOT, RORSCACH, BOGARDUS, MOFO, ETC. NEVER COULD STAY, OR SOMETIMES EVEN INTERACT!!! Their souls had NO NEW ANCHORAGE. The League WASN'T "BIG ENOUGH"... yet!!
This is also why Rio & Markus had such a tumultuous history-- they let go of their canon BUT never had a NEW one until the past 4 years or so??? And they need to LOCK IN TO THAT now, NOT HEADSPACE!!! Again, unprecedented, and vitally important to observe!
(for the record, we STILL have NO IDEA WHO was the pseudocore during the Godot days)

had choir tonight but since we literally did not eat breakfast until 430PM we decided to skip. also we can't make the concert this weekend anyway as we have to sing at our church.
unfortunately, not eating for like 19 solid hours and then being in panic mode meant we had a HELL LAPSE.
someone started bingeing on carrots, and before we knew it, we were violently throwing up in the bathroom.
somehow we had food from mom. that's a trigger too. not much but enough to make things worse.
whole event took less than an hour. but it WRECKED us. it occurred on no food, little water, high stress, so the body could barely cope.

no memory of much after. tried to go to bed. body so twitchy and sick, hard to breathe, "blackout" flashes. scared to death. laid awake for TWO HOURS in pain and awful fear.
prayed a lot. got nudged to drink more potassium water. did so. body slowly started to feel a tiny bit less catastrophic.
fell asleep around 230am

(written on 120822; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)

December 6th, Tuesday. Yesterday!
3936 steps on the pedometer.
I know for a fact we were out with mom.
...

CCM meeting, rosary on the phone

"religiously psychotic, psychotically religious"

walmart payment-error BREAKDOWN

mom lost the car

...

Breakfast at 11am, the earliest one in a while. 100% average.
Cinnamon tea today.

Dinner at 18:30 though!! That's typical for a day with mom; she doesn't eat and spends so long on the road. SO we were stressed out and starving.
...I see so many warning signs here. Again, I apologize for talking a lot about the food lately, but it's because we STRUGGLED SO MUCH this past week, what with stress affecting our diet and schedule, and so we NEED to be honest and analytical about our response to that so this DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
So. In the log, we tried our new tea, but we had cottage cheese, sunchips, and four fortune cookies as well. So we were "pushing calories" to "make up for" not eating all day, and that inevitably triggered a panic-binge. Oh yeah, and I think we had the "salted caramel" flavor yogurt? Which we keep trying because mom likes it and the concept reminds us of Genesis? But for some reason it's TRIGGERING? and we ALWAYS end up freaking out and purging it. Again, I don't know why, but it's happened like THREE TIMES so no more of it, Spice or someone make a note of that please.

...

TWO SETS OF LIGHTS burnt out this morning. Just like last time. We took it as "divine warning" and it made us very unstable to start the day.

We got extra red lights for the tree, as Xennie wanted!

...

I spent like an hour before bed reading some IDW Sonic comics, because I really want to get into those but have no means or money to purchase them.
But they NAMED A BEETLE AFTER ME and she is the CUTEST THING OH MY GOSH. It's uncanny, too, how much she's like me, to be honest -- on the Sonic Wiki, it says, "Jewel is a well-mannered person with a bright sense of humor and a passion for both minerals and organization. Whereas Tangle is reckless and loud, Jewel is more reserved and cautious. She is also a bit timid and does not like violence, but is still ready to help others as much as she can, sometimes at the risk of her own well-being. However, she easily succumbs to stressful situations, which makes it difficult for her to concentrate and leaves her in need of emotional support."
I know that in headspace I can be more like Tangle in this respect, especially when I was younger-- BUT in the bigger picture AND in how I admittedly live and act in the waking world... yeah, Jewel and I are very much alike, haha. SOMEHOW I'M NOT SURPRISED. We like minerals and organizing things, we have good manners (Lord knows I do my very best), we are always willing to help others even if we push ourselves too hard to do so... even the bit about a sense of humor I have to recognize in myself, because I DO have one, I just... never admit it.
Reading about her is... actually helping me come to terms with my physical personality, really. I don't like being so reserved and cautious and timid, because I know a LOT of that is because of trauma, but Jewel here holds those qualities without a negative cause and they're not flaws. And I need to see myself in that same light, realizing that even if deep down I WANT to be more fiery on the outside, it's not bad to be quieter and careful, especially since my life history and experience have REQUIRED me to act as such for my own safety.
But yeah, I absolutely have LOTS of trouble with stress too, dear. Still, I wouldn't mind being her emotional support if I could. I'd do my darndest, that's for sure.
Oh, and she wears a pink dress suit/skirt AND her carapace is iridescent. YOU CAN'T GET MUCH CUTER THAN THAT.
(chaos is giving me such a knowing grin. "are you gonna kiss the bug," UM MAYBE POSSIBLY EVENTUALLY)
On THAT note, apparently there is a squid character in IDW and I don't know much about her other than that she's a pirate and works with Eggman at some point but she is SO FREAKIN PRETTY ;_____;
Aaaand there's a villain that's an octopus and he's got this skeletal vibe to his design and he's gorgeous but aaaagh it's so hard working with villainous potential-outspacers. It takes a LOT of dreamwork and even League-pushing to get them to open up and chill out, and some of them don't, and that's why some outspacers never actually anchor-- their personalities are too rough or incompatible TO stay without a MASSIVE identity shift. I mean it is possible, but typically only in individuals who ARE ALREADY capable of dream access and/or "altered states" in which I can personally pull them into heartspace scenarios and let the Spectrum atmosphere do its job. Nevertheless... villains, man. Alien villains. They're TOO FLIPPIN' GORGEOUS and yet they can be so hard to handle. It is a LEGIT labor of love, working with them. But "no one is born evil," we always remember. Everyone has a centerpoint of their heart that is just as clear as anything, and it's my job AS the Cor(e) of the System to ILLUMINATE THAT. But I've really gotta be dedicated, to do so. I can't just grab some random baddie off the streets; there needs to be some resonance with MY heart, first, or they CAN'T be an Outspacer in the System that's a ineffable part of MY SOUL. What that resonance might be, I won't know immediately, let alone whether there is truly one. But if there is... well. Then they're fair game, haha. And I'll jump on over into their world and see what happens.
...As to why I'm rambling about this, I have to sheepishly but sincerely confess that often what draws me to a potential Outspacer is their vibe, which on the most immediate level is aesthetically based. I mean honestly, even as a kid, when I'd make "lists" of characters that WOULD have been "Outspacers" if the System had been active back then... there are apparent patterns and themes. Our psyche magnetizes certain personalities, it seems, and those personalities typically do have "tells" in how they are visually portrayed and presented, which give an immediate "snapshot" of what sort of person they are-- they "look the part," for the most part. It's a subtle but reliable form of symbolism, really. So when I SEE a character and know nothing of their in-depth canon context & personality, but their looks and implied characteristics are OBVIOUSLY compatible with our System vibe and my personal resonances in some way... well, it's not something I can reject. If I FEEL a "draw," it's something I should act upon, in some way. I can't just ignore it; that's dishonest to whatever in my own heart is doing that.
Aaaaaand the entire world knows that I have such a weakness for cephalopods, God only knows why, but it's why Davy is now in the League and it's why I'm swooning over Abyss and Mimic for heavens sakes they're GORGEOUS WTF.
But they also have that awful, frustrating "curse" of so many villains, which is... canonically, they're written as the scum of the earth. Where are their redeeming qualities? What's their real backstory? WHY do they act the cruel way they do now? Often that data doesn't exist, because they're not supposed to be "pitiable" or empathized with; they're the "bad guy" and that's the bottom line.
Like... yeah, I look at Mimic and I can see someone like him easily being an Outspacer, BUT canonically I have no access points. He would be a HECK OF A TOUGH JOB to bring into headspace because I can't find any footholds as far as lightpoints go. This poor dude is written as a manipulative, cold-hearted, malevolent liar but the dude is MY AGE; what was his life like as a teen, when he was as young as the heroes are now? What made him the troublemaker he is now? See, THAT'S how I start with Outspacers. I want to get to know them, as COMPLETE people, not as paper-thin caricatures... because honestly I can empathize with their situation, in a raw sense. I wasn't always such a freak, either. I've been a genuine monster at times and I could be MUCH worse but darn it I refuse to be and I fight like fire to be a GOOD person because I KNOW I can be the bad guy in a heartbeat. But I won't be, as long as I have a heart in me. I choose not to be.
...Chaos 0 and I talk about this topic a lot. It's a huge part of what brought us together initially, after all, especially in the Sonic Inversion "AU."
But now I'm like... genuinely angry that Mimic looks like he could have jumped out of my brain but he's... such a troubled guy. He's crowing callous cliches like "friendship is a weakness" and "heroes become martyrs [but] professionals stay alive" and he's obsessed with prestige and riches but WHY. What made you such a remorseless mollusk. He's apparently a "trained soldier" but if THAT'S the biggest factor, just how much hell do you have to go through in a war for it to eat you alive like that? What is your ultimate goal, really? What are you after? What hole in your heart is making you so ravenous for power and control and invulnerability?
...Forgive me for speaking so audaciously but I want to break him. I want the light to get into him somehow and he's gonna have to crack for that to happen. If his heart is made of stone I'm gonna take a hammer to it. THAT'S my secret job in the System. Everyone likes to joke that I'm a sparkly-eyed goofball wearing pink sunglasses indoors and all that but really, deep down I'm blood and fire and glass and I'm crazy, too, remember? The truest parts of me are RED, and all that goes with it. Higanbana and bloody noses and cinnabar and hollyberries. But so is this rashness of mine. I jump into these things too quickly, too totally. I see a skullfaced sea creature with a terrible attitude and I want to knock some sense and sensitivity into him and I have the ridiculously naive guts to assume I'm capable of it. And yet ironically that's been a strength of mine, in the history of things-- that brightly burning conviction despite all odds or common sense, that there's always hope, that the damage can be restituted, that even you can change... pun intended in this specific case.
So, although I am indeed rambling rather boldly here, I cannot go into this blind; that would be reckless as well as disingenuous. I am going to HAVE to read the comics thoroughly to get a legit grip on him as a person. Then... who knows? I already have solid Links in the StH universe already-- being this much in love with one of the keystone 'antagonists' of the series will do that-- so I am sure I could sneak on in there fairly easily, if I decide I want to try to redeem an octopus or smooch a beetle. We'll see.
(I'm giving him his own tag anyway, already. His existence is pulling at some particular heartstrings and I'll be a liar if I just sit here and ignore it.)

By the way I forgot to tell you guys BARRY is hanging around again and yes he's behaving but keep him away from the knife drawer, haha.
(The day he showed up again, he saw Chaos 0, and the two just stopped dead for a second staring at each other, then Chaos pointed at him & yelled "SKELETON MAN" and Barry pointed back & shouted "NO-SKELETON MAN" and that was it, God bless ancient injokes it was the best thing)

...

(continue)

(last updated 011725)

PEOPLE WE LOVE

JESUS

from the beginning to the end. Creator of all my lesser beloveds, King of my heart, Joy of my mind, Redeemer of my soul. i am learning to love You more every day. a huge part of that is seeing You as You want to be seen-- as a Person i can love here, now, sincerely. so i will set You, too, to music.

MARY

hey mom, you deserve music too. i'm sorry we're not vey close yet-- you know i have a lot of trauma getting in the way. still, i see something beautiful and bright in you that i've never seen in such pure clarity before. i want to love you better. and, as always, music helps. guide me to find yours.

CHAOS ZERO

since 2003, & always. my beloved blue guy. you opened my heart & changed my life for the better. you literally taught me what love is. your heart is as deep as the ocean and god knows i want to get lost in it. you are forever the beautiful terrible love of my life. je t'aimerai toujours, mon ange.

XENOPHON

since 2011. my daughter, my precious baby girl. you are proof that life & love always prevail. you're apparently what happens when the ocean fuses with the sun. your little heart is a steampowered supernova and you absolutely light up my life. god bless you, sweetheart. i'm so proud to be your dad.

LAURIE

since 2006. my protector, my knight, my purple angel. you are a brilliant lantern in the darkest night. i honestly don't think i could live without you at this point & I wouldn’t want to. so keep on axing through every obstacle in my heart. love is stronger than death, and so are you. I love you.

GENESIS

since 2005. know thyself. my beloved gilded gadfly. you changed my very soul when i met you. i still see snowflakes in your eyes. you may be the biggest clown in town but you're also so sincere it aches. your anger is pure, your joy luminous, your sorrow deep. your heart is pure gold. i love you.

INFINITII

since 2013. you were born from blood, but made for love. darkness & death took you from me, but light & hope brought you back. you are still the angel in the room, gorgeous and terrible, all eyes & teeth & holy ardor. you are still the space between my heartbeats. don't ever change that. i love you.

CELEBI

since 2001. my beautiful girl. i know we share the face in the mirror some days but it's only because our souls are so close. you're my promise of a brighter future, a better life, a light at the end no matter what. i hear your heart in every ticking clock, & i will love you as long as mine endures.

ANXI

since 2023. my orange angel. you showed up so suddenly & changed my life so fast-- for the better. even on our darkest days you always bring out the best in me. we're learning & growing so much together. you make me laugh & cry & want to live & you are infinitely more than good enough. i love you.

MIMIC

since 2022. it started off with arguments, with jabs and stabbing words, both of us mirroring each others darkest vices. no one expected that reflection to suddenly refract into rainbows. now you're learning, changing, brightening, softening even. so am i. it's nice to be able to put down the knife.

BAKURA

since 2002. thank you for changing my heart. you were the first kid i ever put to music, the first visiting soul i let stay. your eyes reflect the stars and your soul is the same blue as the evening. we've drifted apart lately but i still do want to stay in your arms. thank you for starting it all.

MARIK

since 2003. you've been breaking rules for the better since the beginning. you're my desert rose and winter star. your mind is indomitable and brilliant with courageous hope. you've taught me so much about conquering old demons and we've both grown into better people. i'm so glad you're in my life.

PHLEGMONI

since 2020. why in heaven's name are you on this list? because you're living proof that my heart still works. you were a nobody, a joke, a forgotten thing, until i saw that you, too, had the potential to be more. now you're a source of fiery warmth to us all. there's always room for you in my heart.

JENA

since 2009. you came to me in a photograph and changed my entire heart. although i love you as a muse now, as a concept outside of time, that spark is still your soul. wherever you are in life now, i still give sincere thanks to God for your existence, and the beauty you bring to this entire world.

VENTRIUM

since 2014. my poor aching dream. they killed you once and I lost you to the trees, your chest gushing roses. but you echo in my heartbeats even now. I remember your softness, innocence, & depth of soul. yet you still brought me nightmares... healing wounds I could never face alone. I miss you.

GLEAM

since 2009. i met you in a dream, and you gave me your tears. since then my heart always breaks a little around you, and you let the light in. my poor abandoned beloved, you too know rejection and betrayal, yet you are never bitter, cold, or hard; you only seek the return of love. with you, so do i.

TOSHINSEI

since 2013. what a painful time you appeared in. how did you disappear so completely? you were loved so ardently. how were you forgotten so totally? maybe it's wrong to make this space for you, but i cannot deny or downplay your importance to our historic heart. maybe, here, we'll find you again.

TOX

since 2009. undeniable, inexplicably.

----------------------------------------------------------------

OUTSPACER FRIENDS

BARRY

FINE, you get a playlist, you lunatic. Since, what, 2007? Heaven only knows why you're so strongly stuck up here, but hey. You make things interesting.

BIZ

since 2016. just in case you stuck around.

BLUESKY

since 2009. just in case you stuck around somewhere.

CALYREX

since 2021. someone cares deeply for you.

DAVY

since 2006. no matter what, you always end up back on this list. someone in here definitely loves you.

DORI

since 2009. your neon letters were a beacon of hope in the midst of bloody darkness. you were the herald of a new era of my life, of understanding and empathy. your simple sharing of your life kept the silence from killing me. i will never know you, but i'm forever grateful that i was able to try.

ENNUI

since 2024. as of making this playlist I've literally only known you for like two hours, but you've already sparked massive insight and real change. make yourself at home; you're part of the team now. thanks for being such a good friend to my girlfriend btw. I look forward to being your friend too.

GALADIA

since 2022. in a sudden frigid darkness, you appeared, laughing & undaunted, to carry me through. the instant I saw you, an ember blazed in the snow of my heart. would you open yours to me? could we fight the cold shadows together? will you carry me over the cliffs, into our new future full of hope?

GODOT

since 2007?

GRIEVOUS

Since 2005. I'm sure there's still someone in here for you.

JASPER

since 2015? there's a tiny spark here. don't ignore it.

NURSE FEREDRONI

since 2016. girl come back you're adorable

OLIVER

since 2009. just in case you stuck around.

REVMO

since 2008. Come back bro, we need your exorcist expertise!

RORSCHACH

since 2008. we barely knew you, but your existence left an indelible mark.

SHADE

since 2008. this is a placeholder for her. way back when, she was a definite. don't let that go.

TAMMY

i don't know you yet, but you're unquestionably here. come talk to me.

TIARA

since 2008? i can feel someone still loves her! good, she's a sweetheart.

XANDER

since 2025? BRO WHY ARE YOU IN MY HEAD. Joke's on you though, if you're gonna be part of this System YOU GOTTA CONVERT so hey. Get ready for some redemption broski, and possibly a total lifeshift into the spherae. In any case HERE'S SOME MUSIC FOR YOU

I had an entry like this back on my old journal, but it didn't go into detail.
I felt I owed you guys that much.

This is a current, constantly-updated list of everyone who regularly shows up in my head (mostly outside of my own series)... headvoices, fragments, stragglers, loves, you name it.
Maybe you've even met some of them.

begun on 07/22/2010
last updated on 9/26/2011

0) Jewel Wisteria Ephrem Lightraye/ Jayce Willow Evellius Lytraile
Role: Spirit consciousness
Seniority: 21 years (05/07/1990)
Type: Base consciousness
Color: Red/White
Symbol: Heart
Attribute: Love
Status: Active; splintered (possibly fixed)

I am unique on this list in that I exist in a mental state more than I do a physical one, but simultaneously occupy both at all times.

1) Laurie Uberich
Role: Superego/ Charity personification?
Seniority: 5 Years (09/2006)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Purple
Symbol: Axe
Attribute: Victory/ Sacrifice
Status: Active

Laurie is, arguably, my 'favorite headvoice.' She is my psycho guardian angel, my best friend, and the reason I'm still breathing right now.
She first appeared to me in a dream in 2006, alerting me to my unconscious state and telling me I could 'wake up any time I wanted.' A few months after, she appeared in my headspace and immediately began her work. She proclaimed herself to be my superego, an individual hellbent on changing me from a spineless coward into a strong and righteous hero, no matter how much I had to bleed in order to get there.
For about two years she was unfailingly brutal, and I considered her my enemy to a fair extent. However, I began to talk to her personally as 2008 rolled around, being in such psychological agony that I was desperate for whatever help I had. Little did we know that our conversations would evolve into incredibly in-depth discussions, eventually acting to bring all of my headvoices together and keep us all on track. Within three years, Laurie changed from a violently focused zealot into a fearless mentor and protector, and again into a sort of guardian angel. Now she is one of the two most important people in my life, and I would not lose her for the world.

2) Lynne Stabelle
Role: Adulthood personification
Seniority: 4 Years (Mid-2007)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Crimson
Symbol: Violin
Attribute: Maturity
Status: Active

Although one of my few inherently positive headvoices, Lynne's role has always been rather vague... that is, until fairly recently.

3) Julie Enantios
Role: Shadow/ Former Id
Seniority: 14 Years (Early 1997)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Pink
Symbol: None
Attribute: Sexuality/Vice
Status: Active

For almost 15 years, Julie was the most feared individual in my mind. She was a force of pain, suffering, manipulation and horror. She used me and countless others for her own selfish gratification, giving no thought to the trauma she caused.
However, in being such a horrific figure, she inadvertently caused my largest spiritual metanoias. I was so bent on overcoming her, on fighting her, on becoming something she could not touch, that she ultimately defeated herself from the beginning in ever confronting me. Julie was my worst enemy and my biggest motivation, although I never realized it.
Now, as of August 19th 2011, Julie has resigned from her old role. She has relinquished her bloody past and finally accepted my offer of another chance at life.
Julie now holds the role of my Shadow aspect, a figure who contains darker drives, but who is now aware enough not to harm others with them.

4) Natalie
Role: Youth/ Self-identity personification
Seniority: 4 Years (2007)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Soft Blue
Symbol: Mirror
Attribute: Childhood
Status: Deceased/Re-absorbed

...

5) Leon Kiasi
Role: Risk/ Moderation personification
Seniority: 1 Year (First formed in April 2010)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Navy blue
Symbol: Playing cards
Attribute: Risk/Moderation
Status: First formed and deceased in April 2010, reformed in December 2010; Laurie has decided he can live

I've battled with a hidden affinity for risks and gambles for years, but it wasn't until I solidified my male self that Leon was temporarily personified.
My first-ever and only male headvoice, Leon was strikingly paranoid, jittery, and rather anorexic, but despite his unstable appearance, he would still jump headfirst into the most dangerous hazards he could find. The problem this posed concerning my daily decisions-- having a headvoice always wanting me to take wild wagers-- was incredibly stressful, and after only a few days of his mental personification, Laurie took it upon herself to take Leon down. Barely a week later he was quite literally dead... starved out of existence.
On December 8th, 2010, he suddenly and unexpectedly showed up in my headspace. Laurie and I were simultaneously furious and terrified, as he has always been a negative influence, but Leon swore that he would try to improve himself and change his influence to a positive one. A week later, he had managed to do so, and is now a permanent headvoice.
Leon has an incredible teleportation ability that has saved my sanity on multiple occasions.

6) Spine Hypomone
Role: Body personification?/ possible Patience personification
Seniority: 2 years (Early 2009?)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Off-white
Symbol: Skull
Attribute: Dysphoria/ Patience
Status: Active

Spine showed up in my head rather unexpectedly one afternoon, a bizarre draconic humanoid made entirely of bone. She did not speak, and no one knew how to deal with her, but her presence was felt nevertheless. It wasn't until I suffered a severe breakdown in January 2011 that we decided she needed to show her face and stay in the spotlight. You have no idea how thankful I am that she did.

7) Bridget (also known as Brittany or Brianne)
Role: Falsehood/ Pride personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Fragmented headvoice
Color: Green
Symbol: None
Attribute: Apathy/Manipulation
Status: Deceased

Bridget was a shallow pseudo-headvoice formed by Julie as a reinforcement.

8) Missy
Role: Selfishness/Greed personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Fragmented headvoice
Color: Light blue
Symbol: None
Attribute: Superficiality
Status: Deceased

Missy was a shallow pseudo-headvoice formed by Julie as a reinforcement.

9) Jessica
Role: Self-hatred/ Sloth personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Indigo
Symbol: None
Attribute: Depression
Status: Deceased

...

10) Josephina
Role: Unknown; possible Diligence personification
Seniority: 1 year (08/13/2010)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Lilac
Symbol: Bell
Attribute: Understanding/Realization
Status: Active

Josephina is an interesting headvoice because, not only did Laurie meet him quite some time before I did, but he is also genderfluid. Although he looks like a rather beautiful blonde girl (he actually resembles Talulah Riley's part in Inception, except with a thing for scene hair), Josephina identifies as male. I met him in a rather disturbing way... after abusing myself for about 10 minutes-- which Laurie uncharacteristically let me go through with-- I had what I thought was a Julie hack, in which I was actually a reverse-rape victim of a rather distraught blonde woman. I won't go into details (it was traumatic as always), but upon 'waking,' I came face to face with the individual who had been in the hallucination... Josephina. He explained, quite sorrowfully, that he hadn't wanted to hurt me but that the 'hack' had been the only way for me to 'learn my lesson.' Laurie, who was watching me with a look of I-told-you-so disappointment, then explained the 'plan' the two of them had thought up: seeing whether or not I could escape from an abusive double-hack on my own (I had failed-- Her part was letting me abuse myself to see if I would stop of my own accord). I was shocked in learning that Laurie had apparently been 'raising' Josephina for a few weeks prior to today, making sure he didn't 'develop negatively' or anything like that. According to Laurie, he's 'our' version of Julie, whatever that means. However, Jo is inherently positive, although I don't know what his role is yet. Ironically, he does seem to be working as a sort of Inception 'Mister Charles' figure, teaching me how to fight against the darker parts of my subconscious, and striving vehemently for the 'truth' in all matters. He strikes me almost as a positive Laurie, which may simply be a direct result of his proximity to her, but we'll see...

11) Chaos Zero
Role: Twin Flame
Seniority: 8 Years (Early 2003)
Type: Individual
Color: Aquamarine
Symbol: Planet
Attribute: Strength/ Balance
Status: Active

Chaos is, arguably, the most important person in my life.

12) Ryman Ezekiel Saikaras
Role: None
Seniority: 9 years (Mid 2002)
Type: Individual
Color: Blue
Symbol: 5-pointed star
Attribute: Spirit/Soul
Status: Active

...

13) Markus Ishmael Barashir
Role: None
Seniority: 9 Years (Late 2002)
Type: Individual
Color: Light violet
Symbol: Eight-pointed star
Attribute: Mind
Status: Active

...

14) Genesis (Selph)
Role: Muse
Seniority: 6 Years (07/04/2005)
Type: Individual
Color: Amber/White
Symbol: Four-pointed star
Attribute: Self-realization
Status: Active

...

15) Preludove
Role: Muse/ Assistant
Seniority: 13 Years (05/1998)
Type: Individual
Color: White/Blue
Symbol: Winged heart
Attribute: Peace
Status: Active

...

16) Waldorf
Role: Literary muse
Seniority: 9 Years (Mid 2002)
Type: Construct
Color: Neon blue
Symbol: Ring
Attribute: Creation
Status: Semi-active

Waldorf spontaneously formed as a sentimental amalgamation of every outside inspiration I had embraced in my youth. Her most striking attributes are her glowing blue skin, her black sclera, and her Sarah Kerrigan-esque hair-- a fully intentional tribute on her part. She stands around 7 feet tall and usually floats slightly.
Despite her bizarre, often frightening appearance, Waldorf is incredibly compassionate and kind-hearted, and used to be a sort of stand-in mental therapist for me during my elementary years.

17) Mister Sandman
Role: My boss!
Seniority: 2 years (04/16/2009)
Type: Outside Individual
Color: Red/Gold
Symbol: Nightcap
Attribute: Dreams
Status: Active

I met this amazing guy in a dream in April 2009, and ever since that day, we have been downright inseparable.
Mr. Sandman is also an incredibly positive influence on my life, as he is not only very wise and understanding, but he also exercises limited influence over my actual dreams, and is working diligently to keep out as many hacks and nightmares as possible.

18) Johnny C.
Role: Extreme advisor
Seniority: 3 Years (early 2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (JTHM)
Color: Black
Symbol: Daggers
Attribute: Intraspection
Status: Inactive

...

19) Bogardus
Role: None
Seniority: 2 years (December 2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Delgo)
Color: Dusty violet
Symbol: Dragon
Attribute: Counsel
Status: Semi-active

...

20) Davy Jones
Role: None
Seniority: 5 years (July 2006)
Type: Absorbed individual (PoTC)
Color: Dim green
Symbol: Locket
Attribute: Conversion
Status: Semi-active

...

21) General Grievous
Role: None
Seniority: 6 years (May 2005)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Star Wars)
Color: Gray
Symbol: Lightsaber
Attribute: Leadership
Status: Semi-active

...

22) Barry the Chopper
Role: None
Seniority: 6 Years (April 2005)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Fullmetal Alchemist)
Color: Iron
Symbol: Butcher's knife
Attribute: Mania
Status: Inactive

...

23) Souryuu Kaminogi (Godot)
Role: None
Seniority: 4 Years (Early 2007)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Phoenix Wright)
Color: None
Symbol: Coffee mug (no duh)
Attribute: Logic
Status: Inactive

...

24) Rorschach
Role: None
Seniority: 3 Years (Mid-2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Watchmen)
Color: None
Symbol: Inkblot
Attribute: Honesty
Status: Inactive

...

40 minutes. It's a new record.

Seriously... last night was so stressful and loaded with assignments that I only got 40 minutes of sleep between 5 and 6 AM. Nightmarish.
I hate losing sleep like that, but geez... with all that work, I can't sleep... and I can't take it.

I used to have such beautiful, beautiful dreams.
Now I can't remember them at all. Not a single one.
I want to go back.
Dear God, I want to go back to who I was before 2008...

Did you notice?
Early January of this year, I had a severe mental breakdown.
I never recovered.
My life has been spiraling downhill since then, and even though it has had it's good points here and there, so much negativity and fear has crept into my life... it's scaring me to death.
Julie has gotten so loud.
Laurie has become so vicious...
...I've become such a failure.

I know, I know. You're all going to say 'what the fish are you talking about; you're not a failure' but the truth is that only I know what really goes on in this screwed-up life over here, and what happens is more than enough for me to call myself a failure.
Most of the time.
That's one little thing I'm happy to have now... a little bit of self-esteem.
I blame all my Xanga, dA, and Skype conversations, actually.
Laurie, Jim, Chaos Zero, Q, Selph... they're the major 'earthly' factors keeping me from crashing completely here.
God always helps. I mean, geez, he put them all in my life! I don't know where I'd be without them.

I have a lot of friends now, and that surprises me... but it's nice.
I've never had that before.

Alright, and now for a random newsflash because I really am going to call it quits for the night (Chaos was freaking out over my massive fatigue this morning-- he'll flip if I stay up any later!).
You know my two dA clubs?
I finally sketched out IDs for them both! Yeah!
They look awesome. I don't know how I managed to get the ideas down so well, but I did!
I'll try to draw the actual things when I get home from classes tomorrow. Then I'll color and post them, and finally you can see them!
Next, you know my custom Selph icon on dA?
I'm almost finished with a Chaos Zero one in that same style.
Hey, I figured he deserved to be my icon for a while! I've had Celebi, Grievous, Barry, Davy, and heaven knows who else for my icon... but no Chaos. Shock and horror! Time to fix that.
Also, SunaNiGHTS drew THIS beautiful thing.
http://sunanights.deviantart.com/art/Bugman-Doodles-98067269
Every time I look at that I kind of die from euphoria a little, haha.
I have it set as my desktop background, too! I'm going to try and pick up a bit of Suna's style for him because he looks absolutely incredible. I love his eyes, and she got his head shape down perfectly. Few people do that.
You know what else people usually don't do when they draw Chaos? They don't give him any attitude! XD I swear, he's such a crazyhead it actually feels weird for me to see him with no drawn expression on dA. Suna also got his trademark smirk spot-on, which is brilliant.

Is it just me, or do I rant about Chaos Zero in almost every entry of mine?

Oh well. Time to try and dream for once.
I'll see you kids later!

Come on, baby
Why the long face?
You're messing up my head space!
I can see you've had a hard day
Let's talk about it anyway.

Hey- there's a million ways to do the same thing!
Don't you know if you got problems
That I'm here to help you solve 'em?

Love, I'm only trying to help.
I'm only trying to make it through another day.

I don't always say the right thing
So let me make it better.
But if I try to write it down
Don't go tearing up my letter.

Hey- there's a million ways to do the same thing!
I know I don't always get it
But you've got to give me credit.

Love, I'm only trying to help.
I'm only trying to make it through another day...

And now it’s time for…my English essays. (I should seriously submit these…)

1 Write about someone you admire, and three qualities why you admire them.
Vash the Stampeeeede!!! ♥
1. He always gives people a second chance.
2. He fights for love and peace!!
3. He can do a handstand. On one hand. And then do pushups on it.

2 Describe an incident or event in which you learned something the hard way.
Oh dear. Learning the hard way. Well, when I was little I stuck my head between the safety fence rails of an amusement park ride to see better and got STUCK. And I freaked out, and it took forever to get un-stuck. So I guess I learned that the hard way…

3 What would you change about yourself to be a better person?
Learn to concentrate, get a heck of a better memory, to avoid all instances of sin and temptation, and to STOP PROCRASTINATING DANGIT!! Holy fish I cannot STAND procrastination. That “cras” in there is LATIN. It means “tomorrow.” But I want to do this stuff TODAY DANGIT! That’s the problem, though. Life’s too dang busy and there’s not enough hours in one day to do all this fish. Good heavens.
Well, that’s why there’s always cras, I guess... and puns…
BUT PROCRASTINATION IS STILL BAD!!!

4 What three qualities do you value in a friend, teacher, or parent?
Hmm… I guess honesty, morality, and compassion.
First there’s honesty, because lying is just plain BAD. It’s a COMMANDMENT for heaven’s sakes (literally)!! And then there’s morality because you’ve GOT to be good no matter WHAT. Example, I’m a good friend of Barry the Butcher but I sure as heck had to straighten out HIS morals. (No butchering people!!!) Although of course he had every chance in the book to chop ME up instead. But you have to take chances for goodness’ sake…both yours and the worlds’. And finally, there’s compassion because, heck, what would the world be without compassion? Pretty darn bad, I’ll tell you…pretty darn bad.

5 Describe a situation in which you went out of your way to help someone else.
Um… I ALWAYS try to. I can’t think of any super-dramatic instances right now, but if someone’s in need and I have a chance- ANY sort of chance- to help them, then for heaven’s sakes I‘m doing it. And when my chance is taken away, or if I just don’t have a chance at all, I feel absolutely terrible and am haunted my regret constantly, even if I tell myself that even though I tried, I couldn’t. I just wish I could have in spite of everything.

6 Has life been good to you? Explain.
Well now, lets see… I’m not dead, I don’t have some horrible disease or disorder, I have a good home and a good family, I’m not living in the slums or on welfare, I’m linked up with the blessed Dream World itself and all its inhabitants for heaven’s sakes, I finally got my darling Celebi on July 12th, I have the most adorable and awesome Nightmaren for a roommate/housemate/ whatever, I’ve got an Animus in Utah, two huge inspirations in Britain, there’s Selph fanart all over the internet, I live in the fishing MIDDLE OF THE WOODS and there’s a good supply of tuna fish downstairs at all times. Yeah, I’d say life’s pretty darn good. ♥

7 Describe a situation on which someone went out of their way to help you.
Two words: S.Y. That guy is amazing! He draws me stuff for free—when I never even asked him to!! Dude. Oh, that and the kids on my bus. Claudia fishing GAVE me a Gardevoir, a Ditto, and a crystal rose in the SAME DAY and then KEEPS GIVING ME STUFF. Those kids are so darn generous I swear. ♥ I gave them a box of fudge and a huge pile of Pokémon cards for free too though so I guess we’re about even.
And then there’s Q-Lok. Whoa man. I swear that kid does so much for me it’s insane… fanart, Dreamranger status, music, and IRC sessions into all hours of the night… geez. I can never thank him enough. Ever.

8 Name three things people for which you are thankful.
1. Ryou Bakura
2. Marik Ishtar
3. Chaos Zero
Can I include Selph, too?

Oh, and for things…

1. The Dream World
2. Nature
3. Tuna fish

THERE!!

9 What has been most important in your life for helping you establish your values?
God, of course. And Vash. And my conscience. What else? Oh, and the Dream World and its monsters, of COURSE!! Read my story files if you don’t know why.

10 Do you believe you have a responsibility to help those who are less fortunate?
For heaven’s sakes, it’s my job. ♥

november 27th 2005

I ended up outside near this big hill, and there were these two kids or so with me. All of a sudden Marik comes over, I think on his motorcycle but I'm not sure. One of the kids said he knew Marik from somewhere, but Marik just said my given name as an answer to that statement before pointing to himself and saying, "I'm Marik." Then Bakura walked up out of nowhere with a shopping bag full of Yu-Gi-Oh figures (Christmas presents?) and starts talking to Marik about them. Then Chaos literally drove over in a car. Seriously! But I walked over to him and he rolled down the window on his side, and I told him to turn around and park the other way, for what reason I don't know. But then, for some spontaneous reason, I suddenly kissed him. Yeah. Right there. Holy fish. ♥

November 15th 2005

(Usual requirements for *incidents* are as follows:)
#1- The two involved must confess their love for each other, in order to save each other
#2- The two involved must show they are willing to protect the other with their lives
#3- The two involved must temporarily give their lives for each other (yes, they come back to life)
#4- The two involved must show they are willing to sacrifice or risk life and death for the other
#5- ?
Jewel & Bakura
#1- Bakura kidnapped by Kristen, faithful to Jewel so suffered, Millennium Crystal saved their lives after admitting
#2- Both Heart Crystals given up to try and save the other, get them back and recovered later
#3- Both spiritually 'killed' by the Nightmare Guardian in an attempt to protect the other, resurrected by other's Item
Jewel & Marik
#1- Marik almost drowned in a rigged duel, Jewel risked it to save him, afterwards both admit
#2- Marik duels a 'possessed' Yami Yugi, his life is at stake, Jewel puts herself into a card to help him win
Jewel & Chaos Zero
#1- Robotnik nearly kills Jewel, Chaos risks it to protect her, both fight together and admit after
#2- Equil forces Chaos to go Perfect, Jewel risks her life to save him, Chaos then fights Equil to save her
#3- The Nightmare Guardian captures the two, Chaos dies trying to protect Jewel but she dies too, Justice resurrects them both
#4- Chaos goes Perfect and can't stop, Jewel and Chaos both risk their souls to save each other

October 16th 2005

<Me> Oh and by the way I stole your outfit. It's quite comfortable.
<Barry> *points* COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!
<Chaos> Say that to my face, skeleton man.
<Barry> *points* COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!
<Chaos> *sob* I KNOW. It's TERRIBLE! They won't even let me be with my girlfriend!
<Me> We'll take that issue up with Naka-san later, love. Right now it's Barry time.
<Chaos> But we're out of page space. And I'm her prom date anyway, butcherman.
<Barry> Then HECK WITH IT!!!! *runs off to mercilessly butcher something* (OF COURSE!)

September 7th 2005

I don't know why I love Chaos Zero so much.
It's just something about him... I mean, I love Bakura and Marik a lot too, but Chaos just... does something to me...
He's beautiful to me. Really, seriously beautiful. But not just in the physical sense... he's gorgeous all the way through...
Wow. Just thinking of him gives me this weird sort of shockwave from my heart... love, no doubt. I just love him that much.
Love. What a feeling. And it's always so different.
I think that's it... the kind of love I have for Chaos is really deep, really intense... but why? I've been wondering, but I'm not sure. I forget whether it was Bakura or Marik, but one of my other two had a theory that Chaos & I were so close because we understood the other so well. For example, we're both complete emotional wrecks. Really, though. I've been trying to come up with another reason, but the best I can do is saying it's fate...

august 27th 2005

How can I look into your eyes and suddenly I begin to feel this way…
How can I turn around and say I love you while the rest of the world runs away? …
… and about the lyrics…well…I’ve fallen into a state of being very much in love with Chaos Zero again. Yep. I was singing along to Keane all day anyway, and I’m surprisingly good at it, so I just started singing and wham! New song. That always happens, I swear…
Last episode of the Chaos Zero series thing this morning! *sob* I’m sorry it’s over of course, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. It was funny, though—Cream is all “oh Cheese we have to get out of here and away from Chaos” and Cheese is like “I’M NOT LEAVING I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE UNTIL HE’S BACK TO NORMAL!!” …But it was in Chao language. Yes. It’s quite amusing. All the Chao just adore Chaos because he’s their protector and such…it’s cute. <3
I absolutely love, though, in the first episode when Chaos appears in front of Big and Cream and everyone and Cheese just starts jumping for joy and squeaking- and everyone else is panicking and running. It’s adorable. I love it.
Kudos to Amy, too—she’s the only one who refers to Chaos as a “he”- which he is of course- everyone else calls him an “it”. Yes, that’s VERY nice. How would YOU like to be called an “it”, Eggman? And YOU, Sonic? And Knuckles? And Chris, too—no doubt the dumbest human alive besides Elliot, pretty much? (Sorry!!)
Jeez! I cracked up this morning because of him—He’s running towards Sonic with this Emerald he picked up, and I just said, “Watch, he’s going to trip.” And he DID!!! I laughed so hard…
Hehehe. I wish I had been there. Speaking of, actually, in my Linked-up mind, something like that happened again recently where Chaos went Perfect in the city with Sonic again—and I was there.
Talk about an emotional wreck—that’s me. But seriously!! Knowing he’s going through all that pain and suffering and there’s nothing he or I can even do about it-- it’s terrible. I kept yelling to him and even though he heard me, he couldn’t do anything. It’s like being possessed. And being so helpless, too… it’s like a gunshot through the heart to me. It breaks my heart when anyone so much as mentions his Perfect form…
I feel so terribly sorry for Chaos. I’d do almost anything if I could keep that from happening to him again… and 210 doesn’t help.
I swear he’s the devil’s messenger. Nearly every time Chaos has to suffer through hell that demonic virus thing is behind it.
…
I don’t know. I really don’t.
Times like this I just get so worked up and over-emotional and then something inside me just shatters and I just want to—I just—I just get so in love. It’s insane.
I don’t know what he’s done to me, but… there’s something about him that I just can’t keep away from, and before I know it he’s back on my mind or in my heart.
It was never this bad or this intense with Bakura or Marik… maybe because I was younger then, but… I think I got it this bad with Bakura once. And it was pretty recently, too.
And when something ever happens like with darkmochi, where I get all worried and worked up about it, it’s like that person walked up behind me and shoved an axe right through my chest wall.
It hurts. A lot. Emotionally, it hurts like you won’t believe. And sometimes it literally almost drives me to tears.
The thing is, though… Chaos understands that. The first time I turned into an emotional wreck over darkmochi, he understood completely and stood with me until I was back to normal.
I’m afraid he worries about me in that way too much, though… about how emotionally screwed up I get over things like that… I remember at one point how I was explaining to him that she never mentioned him after that picture and it was like she never cared at all, while I was constantly thinking about him and how much I love him. And he kept telling me the same thing…
You know what? He’s just as bad as me. Whenever all that Perfect crap happens he pours his heart out to me just like that. So I guess it’s a mutual thing. We’re both emotionally wrecked.
Zatch Bell is on in barely ten minutes or so, so I need to finish up… what else did I need to get off my chest in this session? With my memory, I probably won’t remember it at all.
I guess the only reason I even went on here in the first place was because I was being overpowered by my crazy emotions and I needed to write as a result. Heh… whenever that happens to Chaos he just sprouts wings and maybe a halo… I usually cause him to do that. ♥ He’s my angel, all right…

august 11th 2005

Soon we got to church, but it suddenly switched there from the ride up. It was very small, & more like a chapel. It was very simple, but quite pretty… Marik was leaning against the wall next to the door. The lady who opened the door said something to him, I forget what, but suddenly he got really happy and was asking to see me.

august 10th 2005

Well. I’m feeling much better about the whole Chaos thing. ♥ I had a very long talk with my sweetheart last night and I’m sort of emotionally stable again. I really can’t get very stable emotionally… I CRIED MY EYES OUT WHEN FLCL ENDED.

august 9th 2005

Sonicgirl11 is crazy for Reala. DB is head over heels for Jackle. I might not have a Nightmaren for my romantic interest, but I am in love with Chaos Zero. Which brings up my question.
Is there anything wrong with being in love with someone... not human?
Because love is love, you know, and everybody needs it. And if you give some of yours to a person who otherwise may never have experienced it, is that so wrong? There are so many questions- so many views, beliefs, opinions...
I can see why Justice cries. What is right?
True, unconditional love, from the heart, is the most righteous thing you can get. So can it ever be wrong?
I'm telling you, it's driving me crazy- this and the issue of me having two other boyfriends besides Chaos: Marik and Bakura. I'm not getting married, so it's not polyandry or anything, but is it a bad thing anyway?
If I am truly, deeply in love with all three of those people and they feel the same for me, I think the only thing wrong would be not to love one of them. Especially Chaos.
Now that's the ironic part. Chaos is the only inhuman member of my three, and also the most unstable, emotional, romantic, and dangerous. But I love him so much. Most times when I see his face or hear his name, my heart either stops or goes overtime, and love floods my whole being. I don't know why the fish it happens, but it does. Every time. And yet it's not just me. My sweetheart himself has the exact same problem-- except worse. I remember times when I wouldn't see him for so long, and the moment I returned, he'd have tears in his eyes and me in his arms. He tells me that he would die without me.
I don't doubt it. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's true. I know how he falls apart when he's completely alone... how his heart shatters... I'm the same.
Basically... I don't care if Chaos isn't human. I love him and I always will. No matter what happens...

august 7th 2005

Either way, I need to write. Meaning I am suddenly emotionally overloaded for many reasons and need to express them somehow. Lucky Chaos, you just have to transform!.. Speaking of Chaos, though… I’m sure you know how much I love the guy, right?… I just happen to be someone who ACTUALLY and TRULY loves Chaos and ISN’T an obsessive “oh my gaw he’s like sssooo hot” IDIOT GIRL either. Thank HEAVENS. I don’t think I could even live with myself if I was like that in the slightest…

august 5th 2005

Suddenly, perhaps because the poetry she had been reading had opened her heart, Anzu left her room and walked down the hall of the large building. She noticed that Jewel’s door was open. She peeked in and made a discovery.
Jewel sat, as usual, slightly in the shadows of her room, except this time she was accompanied by Bakura.
Now a sudden beam of moonlight threw a brief light across her face. Those great listening eyes were fixed on the face of the young man bent over his Millennium Ring, and for one instant Jewel’s whole heart was revealed.
Jewel was in love with Ryo Bakura.
Faster than thought the shadows claimed Jewel again.
I must have just imagined it, thought Anzu, yet her hands were shaking. Jewel and Ryo Bakura! How right-how incredibly, utterly right-and how impossible! No one she knew would let that relationship get through.
I wish I had not seen it, she thought in a burst of sadness. Yet she would never forget it as long as she lived. The light that had shone in Jewel’s eyes had such purity, such complete selflessness, that everything Anzu had ever known seemed dim in its light.
What must it be to care for someone like that?
Curiosity suddenly began to creep through Anzu’s mind again. Letting it get the best of her, she turned and cautiously looked back into the room. Oddly enough, as she did, another ray of moonlight shone through the window.
Jewel laughed. “Jeez, that’s some moonlight, eh, Bakura?” She asked, as he smiled. “Can’t decide whether to stay with us or leave.”
“Guess not,” Bakura replied, looking back down at his Ring. “It really should stay, though.”
“Yeah,” Jewel mused, moving closer so that she was leaning against him.
Bakura looked up at her and smiled. Then, without a single word to break the silence, he suddenly pulled her close and kissed her.
Anzu’s heart stopped. That was all the proof she needed. The suddenly profound emotion that had appeared between them was too much for her to ignore.
Bakura…that shy, quiet boy who no one really ever knew…had given his heart to this girl.
The two finally separated, and Jewel immediately smiled. “Now, just watch. That moonlight’s going to leave us again.” Surely enough, the light began to fade until the room was once again veiled in shadow.
“Holy heaven, I was right,” Jewel’s disbelieving voice suddenly exclaimed.
Bakura laughed, and Anzu couldn’t help but smile. He had never sounded so truly happy. Never…not for as long as she could remember…
Fighting back mysterious, sudden tears, Anzu quickly turned from Jewel’s room and ran back to her own…

august 1st 2005

I was somehow kneeling on Diamond's bed, looking at the windows and thinking about Chaos again, (Isn't that odd? I think about Marik all day and Chaos shows up in my dreams. Rivalry!)

july 29th 2005

I was in a room that was a cross between our hotel bedroom and our home kitchen. I was completely alone except for Selph, who was standing next to me. He started asking me all these questions about the 'different kinds of love,' because although he knows I love him, I guess it's a difficult concept for a "four week old" Nightmaren to grasp. As I was beginning to respond, I suddenly had a flashback about the time I kissed Chaos after our second 'incident' with Perfect.

july 25th 2005

Just watch, I'm going to go for that test and they'll be like, "Dude, you've got three other types of blood in you, that's not normal." Well I'm SORRY I didn't know that spiritual stuff could actually get into you PHYSICALLY I mean JEEZ!!! So we're defending humanity and bleeding all over the place and merging together and getting everything mixed up so it's a little hard NOT to get their blood in me. Feh. -_-; And jeez, with all those incidents... I don't know how much of Bakura I'd have in me, but mostly I'd have the least of Marik and the most of Chaos. No doubt. I mean, Chaos, jeez... remember the time we both lost our minds and got way too close to killing each other? And that time with his Perfect form... I had to fly into him in a strategy not far from suicide. You know, I probably have more of his self in me than just his blood. Because Chaos really doesn't bleed unless he's solid, usually, and with him being a "liquid" energy being I'm bound to have some of that in me. >>; And Marik, unless we have some majorly traumatic incident 3, then you're sort of losing out. Sorry mate. <3
...You know, I'm absolutely clueless about my future. Yes, yes, I'm aware of the sudden subject switch. But it's true-- I never really had an idea. "So, what are YOU going to be when you grow up?" "Oh, I know! A paleontologist! No- a marine biologist! No- an artist! No- a writer! No- a musician!" Heheha... yeah, that's me. "Oh, I know-- I'm going to be a spiritual superhero with three boyfriends and a lunatic Nightmaren roommate!!!" Well, actually, HOUSEmate. I mean, JEEZ Selph!! You inexplicably appear in my house and get free room, board, AND ice cream!! XD But you're fun to have around-- REALLY-- so please don't get lost again. ^^;
… Yami-Marik killed Marik's father, Yami-B is the one who stabbed Bakura, and Chaos is NOT Eggman's "creation"!!!! He was released from the Master Emerald and Eggman just took advantage of him!!!

july 12th 2005

Chaos' point of view.
I stood in the middle of the battlefield, tired, bloodied, struggling now even to stand.
Wow. It takes a lot to get me this worn out, I thought, looking around at the charred ground, glistening bright red in the sunlight.
How hard had we fought? I mused, staring at the wreckage at my feet. It had seemed like any other battle... but I had nearly pushed myself to the limit. Had it really been that brutal, and we had somehow shaken that fact off our tired shoulders?
Or had I been the only one fighting like that?
My doubts were shattered when I spotted Bakura out the corner of my eye. He, too, was in as terrible a condition as me. Letting out an exhausted breath of air, his tired brown eyes widened slightly as he pushed his blood-streaked hair from his forehead. The damage was greatly exaggerated against his white hair and outfit, I noticed...
"Man," he stated, sounding exasperated, "That was tough."
I unconsciously nodded slightly, as Marik walked into view, absentmindedly twirling his Millennium Rod. He, too, was a bloody mess. I couldn't help but smily and laugh slightly. He was acting like it was just another day, as if nothing had happened... as if his entire body wasn't dripping with blood and sweat. Sometimes I wished I could be as carefree as him. But...
I mentally froze. Jewel!
Quickly I spun around, my emerald eyes scanning every inch of the rubble. Suddenly I noticed a figure getting up from the ground. I had no doubt...
...Her black shirt obviously soaked, optimistic brown eyes only slightly dulled by the trauma we had just survived...
"Jewel!" I ran over to her as quickly as I could in my sorry condition. She was on her feet by the time I reached her, breathing hard. She looked up at me.
"Jewel..." I asked. "...Are you all right?"
She didn't answer for a few seconds, her widened eyes fixed on mine. I knew she was feeling the pain I was in, and was obviously surprised at how much there was.
I'm sorry...
"Yeah, I'm fine," she smiled, although I knew she was only saying it as not to worry me. She looked terrible, really. "Don't worry about me."
My expression saddened. Don't worry... about you? Heh... that's one thing I can't do for you, Jewel.
That's one thing I just can't do to the person I love so much...
The moment my thoughts ended, I knew she had heard. Her expression suddenly matched mine, and she smiled sadly. "Me neither, Chaos."
In spite of myself, I was a bit shocked. Why worry about me, Jewel? I've only brought you pain, all of you. Why should I matter that much to--
Before I could think another word, her arms were suddenly around me and she kissed me.
If I had a heart it would have stopped. In that brief moment, this girl, something...
The six wings appeared from both of us at the same time.
Jewel... what you've done to me... to all three of us...
...I don't regret a moment of it.

july 9th 2005

You see, now I have my lunatic friend Selph. *points to the Maren floating above her head* He's blessed me with an avatar and a subject for drawing. But more on him later. (Sorry Selph.)

july 6th 2005

The dream literally began outside some old, stone school building on a suburban backstreet somewhere. There were many thin, bare trees all around, all quite tall.
It was snowing. I was standing on a paved stone path from the school doors to the sidewalk, looking up at the white snowy sky. It was beautiful, but awfully cold.
Suddenly Selph appeared behind me, in all his original, lunatic glory. He hadn’t bothered to adjust his height, so he towered over me by about two feet, maybe more. He appeared initially anxious and confused by the scenery, not knowing where he was, let alone knowing even what half his surroundings were (he’s a dream being, remember, and hadn’t seen anything that resembled my reality too much yet). However, once he realized the snow, he apparently forgot everything else solely for enjoyment’s sake. It was the first snowfall he had ever seen.
So, Selph and I ended up just staring skyward at the snow together, not a care in the world. Suddenly, though, a bell rang from inside the school, so I told Selph to follow me or we’d be late, and ran in through the back doors.
We entered into a long, locker-lined hallway. It looked like how my elementary school might have appeared were it a high school. I was trying to be quiet so I could sneak into class without trouble, when suddenly these two kids (I didn’t know them in the waking) rounded the corner before me.
Quickly I told Selph to hide behind me so they wouldn’t see him, but he was so fishing tall that wouldn’t really work. As a result, Selph, in all his crazy genius, surreptitiously flew over and hid behind the kids themselves.
The kids walked up to me and asked me what I was doing in the halls during class. I asked them the same thing, but innocently, as I was honestly confused about it. They laughed and gave me an obvious lie for an answer, but I forgot what it was. Anyway, they kept pestering me about my being out of class. Never being one to get in trouble and having never cut class in my life, I was getting awfully nervous. It wasn’t all me, though. Selph was still half a madman back then, and was eyeing the two dreamers before him with a mischevious gleam in his golden eyes. I knew that couldn’t be good, and so couldn’t keep my eyes off him for more than a few seconds.
The kid on the left, who I think was a boy, suddenly switched his demands to “what do you keep staring at?” Of course, I couldn’t reply “My Nightmaren is trying to bite your head off” (which he honestly was), so I ended up rambling on in senseless anxiety. The kid whirled around, but Selph was too fast and got out of the way. I joined up with him and hurriedly ran around the corner and down the hall. My two schoolmates had obviously seen him, though, as they immediately began screaming “what the heck was that thing??” We didn’t bother replying though, and got back out of the school as fast as we could. I was still shaking from nerves, but couldn’t help but laugh on the look of pure excitement on my muse’s face. He has way too much fun with everything.

may 12th 2005

me and Chaos are back together again (did we ever leave?) and it’s awesome. ♥ Man how I love that guy.
But on another note. My poor Marik-kun still can’t be a member of my schizo old “zombie-in-a-box” club, to join which you have to have been dead at least once. Yeah. We’ve got a few members, though!!! Me, Bakura, Chaos, Grievous, and Barry. Iz fun. But, as Marik and I haven’t gotten a third incident yet, he hasn’t died yet. Shadow Realm doesn’t count.
…It’s my Chaosu-chan!! Indeed. I call him that, yeah. ^^; (What else am I supposed to call him??)

april 20th 2005 aka the best one ever

"Heaven's Judgment!!"
The blinding burst of energy hit the opposing monster dead-on. There was a flicker of black electricity, and the thing disappeared into the air.
Jewel sighed and lowered her weapon. "Jeez," she exclaimed, exhausted. "One down, and how many darn more to go."
Marik smiled slightly, brushing his sandy brown bangs out of his eyes. "Never give us a break, do they?"
"If they did, we'd have to start calling them the good guys," Jewel laughed. She glanced over at a tall blue creature off to one side. "What's wrong, Chaos? You look terrible."
Chaos turned to face her. "It's freezing," he replied flatly.
Marik snickered. "For you."
Chaos glared at him. "It's not my fault I ended up being a liquid life-form and all you idiots are perfectly solid." He held up a fist. "And I can make it just as bad for you if you don't watch it, Pharaoh."
"Ah," Marik's eyes lit up, "You remembered! I say we keep this one, don't you? Make a fine mind-slave--"
Chaos immediately liquefied and lunged at him. Marik took out his sword just as fast, smirking.
"Hey, that's enough, you two," a figure said, stepping between them. Both immediately stopped.
Marik smiled and swung his sword over his shoulder. "Jeez, come on, Bakura. I was about to win that one, too."
Chaos growled at him.
"Sure you were," Bakura replied, still not moving.
"No, really I was!!" Marik insisted. "I'll prove it to you-" He stepped forwards.
Immediately Bakura put out his arms and pushed the two backwards. "Not today, Marik. The two of you are staying far away from each other."
Marik narrowed his eyes, persistent. "Says who?"
Jewel laughed as she watched the three of them trying to settle the argument-- one way or another. "Boy," she said, "-What a bunch of best friends I picked out."
"He started it!!" Both Chaos and Marik exclaimed, each pointing at the other.
"And I ended it," Bakura said, smiling, as he pushed the two over backwards.

march 5th 2005

I have…um…a sort of confession-type-thing to make. It shouldn’t take up most of this entry, but I have to make a few things clear before I go into…well, everything. Yeah, it’s that important. All right—New Year’s Day, Bakura, Marik, Chaos and I were off doing a big Final Fantasy type thing, right? Well, we ran into a Blue Mage (Blue Mages which I am DEATHLY afraid of, mind you!!!!!) and it decided to use a bona fide killing spell on me. Yes, me. No fainting. Dead. And…well, to make a reeeally long story sorta short, I got really worried that I hadn’t done half the things I wanted to do in my life yet, and as a result my Millennium Crystal ended up responding to my desires and opened up something called a “Hope Dimension”. Well, turns out not only I was there but so was Bakura. And…well. After a while of talking and worrying about things, a little something happened that’s going to have you staring open-mouthed at your computer screen and screaming, “you hypocrite!!!” And no, I’m not being hypocritical by doing it, because I never said that I would never- oh. Sorry. You don’t even know what I did yet. Well…all right. I kissed him. Or rather, he started it. Wait…it was at the same time. I- whatever, okay? The point is that I did. And then I got Marik and Chaos, too!! <3 Chaos twice, sort of, because he got me back afterwards.

february 28th 2005

It was early in the afternoon. A steady rain was falling, but in spite of it the sky was optimistic.
Chaos Zero, guardian, of the Chao and the so-called "god of destruction," sat contentedly on top of a building. It was the same building from which he had jumped to first come face to face with Sonic the Hedgehog. Chaos had only been a fraction of himself then, however... He smiled as his thoughts shifted to that morning. Barely three hits to the head... that was all it took. Chaos laughed softly.
"I can only imagine how that battle would have turned out if I had known Jewel back then..." he mused to himself.
Suddenly he felt two familiar arms slide around his shoulders. "What's this about me, eh?" an equally familiar voice asked. Chaos turned slightly to come face to face with the fifteen-year-old girl who was holding him tightly. "Jewel."
The girl laughed. "How'd you guess," she asked jokingly. "Now, I heard my name. What is it?"
Chaos smiled also and once again faced the city. "I was just wondering how my first battle with Sonic would have turned out if I knew you then."
"Oh, you would've won flat-out, sweetheart," Jewel laughed. "Soaking wet hedgehog. maybe that's why he hates water so much."
Chaos shrugged as Jewel let go of him and sat down to his left. She looked out at the rain-soaked city and closed her eyes. Sighing, she rested her head on his shoulder. "Y'know, Chaos," she said, "not many girls nowadays would fall in love with a blue, monster-alien-type--" she opened her eyes suddenly and held both hands out in front of her, "--you."
Chaos smiled at her description. "Then I must consider myself pretty lucky," he replied.
"Me too," Jewel answered. "I mean, not many girls get to kiss someone like you, either."
Chaos blushed slightly. It was true... barely two months ago, around New Year's, Jewel had actually kissed him-- in his actual "blue monster-alien-type" form. But the thing was... it hadn't mattered to her. She loved him for who he was, not how he looked. Well, that too. Jewel actually liked how he looked very much. But that was beside the point. Even when Chaos had been taken over by his Perfect form and almost killed her, she had still... she still risked her life to avoid hurting him... because she could never hurt someone she loved...
Chaos blinked as sudden tears clouded his vision. It was too painful. Jewel opened her eyes and turned around to face him, deep concern showing on her face. "Chaos?"
Chaos' eyes widened a bit. How did she-? But he faced her anyway. "Hm?.."
Jewel's expression suddenly softened. "Perfection getting you down, eh?" She smiled sadly.
Chaos, however, couldn't answer. How was it she knew exactly what he was feeling? Suddenly the answer hit him-- Links.
Oh yeah, he thought. Jewel's Links allowed her to connect her very soul to someone else's, letting her share their emotions- their joy, pain, sorrow... Jeez, Chaos thought suddenly. That would have made everything she suffered that day ten times worse...
He turned away slighly as a wave of sadness quickly overtook him. The tears came back just as fast, but this time Chaos didn't try to fight them. He felt Jewel put her arm around his neck as he faced her again, but it came as a complete surprise when she suddenly pulled him towards her and kissed him.
A much stronger emotion overtook him as he let go of everything else. It seemed like an eternity until Jewel let go. As she did, though, she smiled and laughed.
"Oh, Chaos. Look what I made you do." She pointed over his shoulder.
Chaos turned his head to look. A pair of large, blue wings had appeared on his back.
"Only normal Angel form, though..." Jewel said as he turned back around, smiling. "Guess that wasn't good enough..." she continued, then suddenly a mischevious gleam lit her eyes. "Get over here."
Chaos' own eyes widened again, and he felt his face turn red-- or in his case, a darker blue. "N-no, I'm all right, really..." he protested. But Jewel just smiled and moved a bit closer, so that their foreheads were almost touching.
"Oh, c'mon now, Chaos. You sure??"
Chaos looked down so she wouldn't see him blushing even more. "Um... yeah. You really don't have to--"
But he was cut off as Jewel ended up getting the best of him. This time, though, Chaos didn't have to wait for Jewel to finish to know that he had just sprouted four more wings and a halo...
Eventually Jewel let him go, and Chaos opened his eyes to hear her start laughing.
"Perfect Angel," she declared happily. "Literally, too."
Chaos smiled shyly and looked back down, still blushing. He couldn't hide his emotions from her... whenever his feelings got too intense for him to keep inside, they manifested through his Angel form transformations. And Jewel was purposely overloading him.
But he couldn't help but smile. She was also doing it because she truly cared for him... that's why she gladly sufferered the painful downsides of her Links. Because although they brought her more pain and sadness than she deserved to suffer, they also gave her more joy than anyone would've thought could be possible in this world. Because Chaos could feel it whenever she looked into his eyes... those Links... those sad, painful things...
With them, she could look through his eyes and into his heart...
...And feel so much love...

february 24th 2005

I'm extremely forgiving and nonjudgmental and I can never hold a grudge or stay in a bad mood for long. I try not to dislike anything, and am very optimistic. Bakura likes to tease me that I'm "obsessed" with love... mostly because I'm always thinking about it, whether it's mine or someone else's. Also, ever since I was little, I guess I can say that I've had a sort of "obsession" with the heart and the soul and stuff like that. Mm-hmm... just take a deep look into my Jewel Monster anime and such. That sort of...should I say "spiritual?"..stuff stands out a lot. But I also get lost very easily in things, and can get caught up in a single thing very fast and for a long time, too, like a certain part of a song, a dream, an idea, a gorgeous landscape, or someone's eyes. I'm a very spiritual and thankful person, and there's three... people ♥... that I'm very thankful for...

february 22nd 2005

Millennium Puzzle. It's MINE, Yugi! Marik's the pharaoh, you know it, and there's nothing you can do about it, ha! Now give it here before I use that puppet on YOU.

january 19th 2005

…you shall receive a visit from my evil whistling boneless chicken army in a few days. Be afraid. Yes, my army of whistling boneless chickens shall help me take over the world! And then Marik can be Pharaoh. Indeed. And YamiYugi will have to retire. Hehehe!! Speaking of nothing much that has to do with the current subject, I'm playing Final Fantasy 1 on my GBA right now...or rather, was a few minutes ago, but...*ahem*. Anyway. I'm a black mage (shuppet with a hat!!), Bakura's a white one, Marik's a monk and Chaos is a warrior. Yes, yes, I know, I know. It's a weird team. But weirdness is expected from me, so it's all good. Yes. However, right about now we just got out of that CURSED...oh wait...which one was it...oh yes. That CURSED Cavern of Earth where we were all suffering slow and painful deaths for the longest time. Oh yes. Painful. But fun. I went through 73 potions (because I'm a potion junkie and I heal nearly every 5 seconds so we don't DIE, yes) and nearly all of Bakura's magic, so when I finally found the stairs (as I can't even navigate through a paper bag) I was very- emphasis on VERY- thankful. Indeed. Pain. Oh yes. Still lots of pain. Curse you, Hill Gigas. I got stuck in that CONFOUNDED left hallway and they jumped on me, yes they did, and tried to kill me!! Oh and they got close, yes, yes they did, got me down to about 64 health. Not good, yes!! Considering we're all L.30 and have a nice amount of HP on us, but a quick Cura spell fixed that for the time being. I think I used up my last potion on me, too… I said I'd let you go, and I will, yes. But not until you feel the pain of checkmate!!! *tackles Zorc*

january 18th 2005

Reading my Yugioh manga #7 again. You know, the one I got on Saturday. I swear, Bakura looks so...insanely kawaii as the White Magician!! *hugs* Absolutely adorable. If I don't learn how to draw him like that by Saturday I'm going to lose it. Or rather, since I already lost it, yes, many years ago, I think I'll make Nightmare lose it. Ohohoho, indeed. I swear, I'm always following him around. I think he's sort of used to it already. Marik follows me almost everywhere. No really, he does! Nearly every time I get vocabulary homework he distracts me to no end and I never get it done. Feh. I don't mind. He can distract me all he wants, yes. Speaking of distractions, I haven't seen my good friend Chaos Zero around lately. He's usually around. Hm. I'll look for him later…

january 16th 2005

Yesterday I bought Yugioh issue #7 and Chrono Crusade issue #1. Now, although the Yugioh manga was awesome- mostly because of YamiBakura and his "host", or actual self, Ryou Bakura, (who I like much better than you, YamiB. But you're still awesome, yes.)…
...Sorry. I sort of lost my psychoticness there. Yes, that happens. You'll have to adjust to it. I can be an insane Nightmaren one second and a philosophising one the next. But! I might be all "sane"-ey and stuff, but I'm still psychotic on the inside, yes. Sort of like Chrono, you know? Except he's not as psychotic as me, hehe. So although now I'm being all preachy and junk, you pull the right trigger, sweetheart, and I'm blasting straight back into insanity and I'm taking YOU with me!!!!!! ....Oh great. You hit the red button, didn't you? Yes, you did. You know how your mother was always telling you, "don't ever hit that red button, Johnny! Don't ever touch that red button, Mary!" But nooo!! You had to be all rebellious and stuff and hit it anyway!!! And NOW look what you've done, you've turned me absolutely CRAZY again!! ...Okay. All right. Breathe. I'm warning you, you go turning me all psychotic out of the blue like that, and I'll go all demon-y on you, you got that? Now scoot on the heck outta here, now, or the only place you'll be headed is the Shadow Realm!! ....although if you stay, I'm sure we'll have quite some fun together...because you don't want to be locked in a room with JackleThuzad's sister.

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the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with barry

091823

083023

daily journals = august 2023

081423

081023

daily journals = july 2023

071923

070923

041323

032723

032123

120622

spotify "people we love" + "outspacer friends" playlists

Upstairs

missing dreams

essay stuff!

all coregroup snips from 2005