083023

[prismaticbleed]

quick morning typing notes

up until 3am typing.
then 330 FIRE ALARM WTF. quiet fire engines. surreal. it was raining outside

up at 1111
Mass at st clares as usual
homily about LEADERSHIP. good leadership requires accountability & integrity of character.
said we are ALL leaders, in our own way, in our own unique situations
at one point said, "what do we teach our children?"
got a SUDDEN and POWERFULLY CLEAR VISUAL FLASH of THAT OTHER CHILD sitting next to Xenophon on the floor, a "could-be" visual thought with that statement. (those feel like dreams, or memories. you can TELL they aren't "real," but definite potentials)
looking at him. pondering his appearance and colors. that weird icy blue crystal tail. the "undersea fish" vibe about his head, or even soft leaves. different vibe than xenophon. like an underwater plant almost.
Celebi was floating near me, looking at me pointedly, and CRYING.
I suddenly realized WHY that child is blue.
HE IS PINSTRIPE'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the light blue crystals on his tail are absolutely pin's vibe. Pinstripe's color was ice blue and he vibed with ICE, NOT SNOW. also, oddly, his "emblem animal" association was NOT bugs... it was SHARKS!!! 
(we never listed that for the cores, did we? we need jargon for it. "totem" is appropriative.)

BK prep talk
Mimic cutting open new water pack, said he wasn't used to dullness of kitchen knives, but it works. Barry jokingly commented about sharp knives, specifically "the knife isn't sharp enough"
Laurie admonished him STRONGLY on that. said that we NEVER use that phrase, especially not so irreverently, and also, "you need to die to those old associations if you want to live a new life." i.e. if he keeps identifying himself with the "zany sociopath" model he was cast in, he will never fit a new one in a new world. He needs to STOP trying to "be Barry from FMA" if he wants to grow and change beyond that original, doomed and degrading definition of selfhood.
Barry apologized (the guy is surprisingly open-hearted in that respect; Mimic might grumble or even retort, but Barry has never had an obstinacy towards correction about him? His pride might obviously be bruised, sure, but it's just a bruise-- he still admits when he's wrong, he can take a joke, he has a shocking amount of self-awareness but will readily concede, however sheepishly, when someone points out any vices he's exhibiting, consciously or unconsciously. That's all super notable), Laurie said she accepted it, but not to worry, because this gives us an opportunity to learn humility? I remember that virtue was clearly mentioned, because Barry or someone asked, effectively, "how long do we have to fight pride until we ARE humble enough?"
Laurie said that "humility is a neverending battle", that it is a "war" we MUST fight until the day we die.
Lynne just SMILED at her saying this, and said "you know, Laurie, I think that's your REAL root" = SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!!!
Noted that we ALL ALWAYS associate Laurie with specific knightly virtues: integrity, truth, honor, sacrificial love, perseverance until death. BUT THOSE VIRTUES NEED TO EXIST WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF WAR, IN ORDER TO BE FULLY REALIZED & LIVED OUT!!!
And THAT is what Laurie has been MISSING since CNC; it is WHY she keeps slipping & graying & blurring. She lost sight of her TRUE ROOT, because honestly I don't think ANY of us realized what it is.
Initially, yeah, the "pain=love" bit IS her absolute core. BUT WHY IS THAT EVEN A ROOT? Because, to suffer FOR love IS SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!! That's the entire POINT. So even in the beginning, when it was so mangled, it was STILL FIGHTING FOR LOVE, still FIGHTING FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS, still DEFENDING TRUTH. We were only punished as a child BECAUSE WE DID WRONG. Laurie also only took that up IN ORDER TO KEEP US RIGHTEOUS. Yeah we misunderstood the details back then, BUT NOT THE HEART OF THE CONCEPT.
So this is a HUGE realization. Hence the sudden update!

Jade call, bath tomorrow. GET READY SON

ALSO Laurie laughing that when she says "kid," BOTH Jewel and Jay respond. Jewel said "that's because we're a dualcore processor"
Julie commented, aren't we more like a quadcore? Because there's the Jessica bloodline too, and MAYBE the CECELIAS????
BUT then we noted LYNNE. Wasn't she supposed to be a bloodline shift? Laurie said NO, remember she was born to HOLD THE FORCED IDEAL that others wanted us to be, BUT WE COULDN'T BE. So we took all of that, and put it into HER. She was supposed to be "who everyone else WANTED us to BECOME," but deep down SHE WAS A POTENTIAL BANK. She was NEVER A SOCIAL.
Mimic was shocked at the idea that Lynne was almost a core. He asked if her Orange color had to do with that, since it was so close to Red. Lynne said no, in the beginning, she was a lot more Red than she is now. That's because she was split off FROM the Red Core whose vibe could NOT be mangled to match the external expectations. Lynne actually leaned CERISE originally???? The PINK being a femininity focus, something the Jewels could NEVER hold!!
Then Laurie realized something huge: Lynne DIED in 2009, BUT when she came back years later she was ORANGE, NOT CERISE. And why was this?
Lynne was supposed to be the expected-ideal adult version of Jewel, who could never actually fit those ideals. BUT we could never take the "hyper" out of Lynne BECAUSE WE COULDN'T TAKE THAT ENERGY OUT OF JEWEL.
THAT IS WHY LYNNE HAS THAT INEXPLICABLE AND INDOMITABLE EBULLIENCE TO HER. Just like the Jewels that instigated her root, SHE CANNOT ERASE THAT SPARK FROM HERSELF.
God only knows what she would have become-- what we would have become-- if we LET our environment crush us, and turn us INTO that pink-leaning female adult.
I wonder if anyone does hold that. I WONDER IF THAT SOMAFONI WHO WROTE SO MUCH OF THE UPMC STUFF HOLDS IT????? Is she Iscah, really? Is that her actual self? We never could pinpoint it. I think it IS. And if so... SHE IS 100% PINK. SHE'S A FEMALE ENFORCED IDEAL. AND SHE HAS CRUSHED JEWEL'S BOUNDLESS SPARK.
Iscah isn't a kakofoni, but she IS an apatefoni, which is equally deadly in a different way.


The Archivists realized that Mimic keeps "getting everything" channeled into him because he has such a POWERFUL presence and anchor in headspace; his visuals are crystal clear, his personality is solid, etc. But why is this? BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE OF US UP HERE WHO DID NOT EXIST DURING TRAUMA!!!! He is, effectively, the manifestation of LIVING HOPE FOR HEALING from all that came before, and that all the rest of us saw, or even contributed to.
Mimic is UNTOUCHED BY ALL OF IT. He showed up AFTER UPMC for heaven's sakes!!!
THIS MEANS THAT ALL NEW OUTSPACERS ARE TRAUMA-FREE. THAT IS AMAZING.
PLEASE TELL THE CORES TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT.
I wonder how that applies to nousfoni.
Remember the Undergrounders-- they appeared after a trauma as holders OF the trauma, who had been buried and forbidden from manifesting before. So all "new" nousfoni we find now, WHILE we're healing, might potentially be DEEPLY DAMAGED. Still, we love them and want to meet them.
BUT this fact makes the complementary untouchedness of Outspacers EVEN MORE VITAL as a balance!!!
WE NEED BOTH.
AND THEN THERE'S THE LEAGUE.
That UNITES us both, and with how the Jewels are STILL working on it, despite everything, arguably with MORE clarity than ever... I really think the League is going to be the HINGE on which EVERYTHING TURNS.
The Spectrum NEEDS the Spheres, and perhaps vice versa.
THINK UPON THIS. PRAY ABOUT THIS. LIVE IT OUT.


Quick note during breakfast:

The reason why eating eggs keeps triggering up that one messy-haired, selfishly proud girl-- It's not because she's eating eggs, but it's because she's tearing them apart. She rips the top part off of them and eats them. She's inherently destructive and deconstructive. 

 

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(later)

evening was absolutely terrifying

for unknown reasons, got hit with a debilitating panic attack after breakfast?
we think it was because, during our Bible study, one of the thriskefoni started on with their evangelistic fervor-- "i need to convert all the ex-catholics on tumblr!! i need to save all of the apostates!!" -- and started writing a notepad document on how to do so, pasting in all these bits of commentary on how to "preach to the lost" to "win their souls" etc. in response, someone ELSE upstairs (faceless & nameless) absolutely castigated them by pasting in huge red letters at the top of that document: "WOE TO YOU, BLIND GUIDE & HYPOCRITE!!" and the girl, terrified, absolutely shattered.
memory just breaks up. we lost all concentration, all coherence, all focus. the next thing we remember is someone eating carrots in the kitchen, but like one possessed, LITERALLY screaming upstairs "help me, i don't want to do this, i can't stop, please God help me" etc. and forcing themselves to eat more and more, amidst absolute shrieking terror. memory cuts out again, like a total blackout, and then the next memory flash is of someone eating oatmeal with raisins, one of our BIGGEST TRIGGERS-- who the heck even BOUGHT it and WHY???-- but with a completely numb mind. no emotions, no thoughts, just mechanical behavior. it was disturbing to see. then, blackout again, and the next memory is of someone throwing up violently in the bathroom, and the accompanying emotions of sheer panic from the pain & awareness of deadly consequences.
it was a nightmare.
however COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS ANYWAY because it has been TWO FULL MONTHS since we can remember having a binge. for years, the biggest gap between binges was two days. and now the worst was june, and ONLY because of the jade situation. this is amazing. so remember that.
Anyway we were SO sick and distraught that memory is, no surprise, shredded to bits. i know we used the default "ER recovery method" which is to take/drink a certain set of pills/ vitamins/ electrolytes/ etc. in order to recover ASAP, but it didn't make the symptoms disappear and so panic remained. i think we were too dissociated to know what we were doing anyway. AND, with all the "godphone" reliance of the thriskefoni, most of them WILL NOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT "GOD'S PERMISSION," i.e. "hearing Jesus &/or Mary TELL them what to do." so even when we know we MUST drink our electrolytes to prevent hypokalemic disaster, they WON'T DO IT UNLESS GOD APPROVES. they will panic. "should I drink this? Is this right? Does God want me to do this?" etc. they are absolutely paralyzed with indecision-- or rather, a total rejection OF decisive will-- until they are given orders.
these poor thriskefoni are the same ones that will spend hours praying just so they don't have to do anything else with life. to them, life is prayer-- there are no messy decisions or opinions or choices or problems to deal with. just kneel and read prayer cards for three hours, that's all that matters!
on that note, they got what they wanted, and I daresay (with no small amount of holy fear) that God did, too, because from about 845 to 1AM we collapsed on the couch, drifted in and out of consciousness, and just said prayers. there was some talking to God about our illness, I'm aware, but as to what was said i don't know. i know it had to do with death, and suffering, and surrender, and "God do You care about me" "God do You want me to die" "God why did You let this happen" etc. LOTS of Psalm praying, though, which we are aware of because it was pinging us, the people in Central, with how painfully relevant they were.

Nevertheless, that's all we have for today. We went to bed surrendered to God's Will and praying to wake up in the morning. If not, well, at least we don't have to struggle with our own stupid sins anymore.

But hey, Lamentations 3.:22-23 says it best: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is [His] faithfulness."

No matter how confusing and frightening this war of our innerlife may get, we can count on God.
Despite all the lies and propaganda, we know His voice inside our heart, and we know He loves us. Deep down we know. Our own existence as a System is miraculous proof of it, despite all odds.
Rest in that. Hope in that. Don't give up. Endure to the end.