the spectrum heart cathedral system

quick morning typing notes

up until 3am typing.
then 330 FIRE ALARM WTF. quiet fire engines. surreal. it was raining outside

up at 1111
Mass at st clares as usual
homily about LEADERSHIP. good leadership requires accountability & integrity of character.
said we are ALL leaders, in our own way, in our own unique situations
at one point said, "what do we teach our children?"
got a SUDDEN and POWERFULLY CLEAR VISUAL FLASH of THAT OTHER CHILD sitting next to Xenophon on the floor, a "could-be" visual thought with that statement. (those feel like dreams, or memories. you can TELL they aren't "real," but definite potentials)
looking at him. pondering his appearance and colors. that weird icy blue crystal tail. the "undersea fish" vibe about his head, or even soft leaves. different vibe than xenophon. like an underwater plant almost.
Celebi was floating near me, looking at me pointedly, and CRYING.
I suddenly realized WHY that child is blue.
HE IS PINSTRIPE'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the light blue crystals on his tail are absolutely pin's vibe. Pinstripe's color was ice blue and he vibed with ICE, NOT SNOW. also, oddly, his "emblem animal" association was NOT bugs... it was SHARKS!!! 
(we never listed that for the cores, did we? we need jargon for it. "totem" is appropriative.)

BK prep talk
Mimic cutting open new water pack, said he wasn't used to dullness of kitchen knives, but it works. Barry jokingly commented about sharp knives, specifically "the knife isn't sharp enough"
Laurie admonished him STRONGLY on that. said that we NEVER use that phrase, especially not so irreverently, and also, "you need to die to those old associations if you want to live a new life." i.e. if he keeps identifying himself with the "zany sociopath" model he was cast in, he will never fit a new one in a new world. He needs to STOP trying to "be Barry from FMA" if he wants to grow and change beyond that original, doomed and degrading definition of selfhood.
Barry apologized (the guy is surprisingly open-hearted in that respect; Mimic might grumble or even retort, but Barry has never had an obstinacy towards correction about him? His pride might obviously be bruised, sure, but it's just a bruise-- he still admits when he's wrong, he can take a joke, he has a shocking amount of self-awareness but will readily concede, however sheepishly, when someone points out any vices he's exhibiting, consciously or unconsciously. That's all super notable), Laurie said she accepted it, but not to worry, because this gives us an opportunity to learn humility? I remember that virtue was clearly mentioned, because Barry or someone asked, effectively, "how long do we have to fight pride until we ARE humble enough?"
Laurie said that "humility is a neverending battle", that it is a "war" we MUST fight until the day we die.
Lynne just SMILED at her saying this, and said "you know, Laurie, I think that's your REAL root" = SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!!!
Noted that we ALL ALWAYS associate Laurie with specific knightly virtues: integrity, truth, honor, sacrificial love, perseverance until death. BUT THOSE VIRTUES NEED TO EXIST WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF WAR, IN ORDER TO BE FULLY REALIZED & LIVED OUT!!!
And THAT is what Laurie has been MISSING since CNC; it is WHY she keeps slipping & graying & blurring. She lost sight of her TRUE ROOT, because honestly I don't think ANY of us realized what it is.
Initially, yeah, the "pain=love" bit IS her absolute core. BUT WHY IS THAT EVEN A ROOT? Because, to suffer FOR love IS SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!! That's the entire POINT. So even in the beginning, when it was so mangled, it was STILL FIGHTING FOR LOVE, still FIGHTING FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS, still DEFENDING TRUTH. We were only punished as a child BECAUSE WE DID WRONG. Laurie also only took that up IN ORDER TO KEEP US RIGHTEOUS. Yeah we misunderstood the details back then, BUT NOT THE HEART OF THE CONCEPT.
So this is a HUGE realization. Hence the sudden update!

Jade call, bath tomorrow. GET READY SON

ALSO Laurie laughing that when she says "kid," BOTH Jewel and Jay respond. Jewel said "that's because we're a dualcore processor"
Julie commented, aren't we more like a quadcore? Because there's the Jessica bloodline too, and MAYBE the CECELIAS????
BUT then we noted LYNNE. Wasn't she supposed to be a bloodline shift? Laurie said NO, remember she was born to HOLD THE FORCED IDEAL that others wanted us to be, BUT WE COULDN'T BE. So we took all of that, and put it into HER. She was supposed to be "who everyone else WANTED us to BECOME," but deep down SHE WAS A POTENTIAL BANK. She was NEVER A SOCIAL.
Mimic was shocked at the idea that Lynne was almost a core. He asked if her Orange color had to do with that, since it was so close to Red. Lynne said no, in the beginning, she was a lot more Red than she is now. That's because she was split off FROM the Red Core whose vibe could NOT be mangled to match the external expectations. Lynne actually leaned CERISE originally???? The PINK being a femininity focus, something the Jewels could NEVER hold!!
Then Laurie realized something huge: Lynne DIED in 2009, BUT when she came back years later she was ORANGE, NOT CERISE. And why was this?
Lynne was supposed to be the expected-ideal adult version of Jewel, who could never actually fit those ideals. BUT we could never take the "hyper" out of Lynne BECAUSE WE COULDN'T TAKE THAT ENERGY OUT OF JEWEL.
THAT IS WHY LYNNE HAS THAT INEXPLICABLE AND INDOMITABLE EBULLIENCE TO HER. Just like the Jewels that instigated her root, SHE CANNOT ERASE THAT SPARK FROM HERSELF.
God only knows what she would have become-- what we would have become-- if we LET our environment crush us, and turn us INTO that pink-leaning female adult.
I wonder if anyone does hold that. I WONDER IF THAT SOMAFONI WHO WROTE SO MUCH OF THE UPMC STUFF HOLDS IT????? Is she Iscah, really? Is that her actual self? We never could pinpoint it. I think it IS. And if so... SHE IS 100% PINK. SHE'S A FEMALE ENFORCED IDEAL. AND SHE HAS CRUSHED JEWEL'S BOUNDLESS SPARK.
Iscah isn't a kakofoni, but she IS an apatefoni, which is equally deadly in a different way.


The Archivists realized that Mimic keeps "getting everything" channeled into him because he has such a POWERFUL presence and anchor in headspace; his visuals are crystal clear, his personality is solid, etc. But why is this? BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE OF US UP HERE WHO DID NOT EXIST DURING TRAUMA!!!! He is, effectively, the manifestation of LIVING HOPE FOR HEALING from all that came before, and that all the rest of us saw, or even contributed to.
Mimic is UNTOUCHED BY ALL OF IT. He showed up AFTER UPMC for heaven's sakes!!!
THIS MEANS THAT ALL NEW OUTSPACERS ARE TRAUMA-FREE. THAT IS AMAZING.
PLEASE TELL THE CORES TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT.
I wonder how that applies to nousfoni.
Remember the Undergrounders-- they appeared after a trauma as holders OF the trauma, who had been buried and forbidden from manifesting before. So all "new" nousfoni we find now, WHILE we're healing, might potentially be DEEPLY DAMAGED. Still, we love them and want to meet them.
BUT this fact makes the complementary untouchedness of Outspacers EVEN MORE VITAL as a balance!!!
WE NEED BOTH.
AND THEN THERE'S THE LEAGUE.
That UNITES us both, and with how the Jewels are STILL working on it, despite everything, arguably with MORE clarity than ever... I really think the League is going to be the HINGE on which EVERYTHING TURNS.
The Spectrum NEEDS the Spheres, and perhaps vice versa.
THINK UPON THIS. PRAY ABOUT THIS. LIVE IT OUT.


Quick note during breakfast:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

(later)

evening was absolutely terrifying

for unknown reasons, got hit with a debilitating panic attack after breakfast?
we think it was because, during our Bible study, one of the thriskefoni started on with their evangelistic fervor-- "i need to convert all the ex-catholics on tumblr!! i need to save all of the apostates!!" -- and started writing a notepad document on how to do so, pasting in all these bits of commentary on how to "preach to the lost" to "win their souls" etc. in response, someone ELSE upstairs (faceless & nameless) absolutely castigated them by pasting in huge red letters at the top of that document: "WOE TO YOU, BLIND GUIDE & HYPOCRITE!!" and the girl, terrified, absolutely shattered.
memory just breaks up. we lost all concentration, all coherence, all focus. the next thing we remember is someone eating carrots in the kitchen, but like one possessed, LITERALLY screaming upstairs "help me, i don't want to do this, i can't stop, please God help me" etc. and forcing themselves to eat more and more, amidst absolute shrieking terror. memory cuts out again, like a total blackout, and then the next memory flash is of someone eating oatmeal with raisins, one of our BIGGEST TRIGGERS-- who the heck even BOUGHT it and WHY???-- but with a completely numb mind. no emotions, no thoughts, just mechanical behavior. it was disturbing to see. then, blackout again, and the next memory is of someone throwing up violently in the bathroom, and the accompanying emotions of sheer panic from the pain & awareness of deadly consequences.
it was a nightmare.
however COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS ANYWAY because it has been TWO FULL MONTHS since we can remember having a binge. for years, the biggest gap between binges was two days. and now the worst was june, and ONLY because of the jade situation. this is amazing. so remember that.
Anyway we were SO sick and distraught that memory is, no surprise, shredded to bits. i know we used the default "ER recovery method" which is to take/drink a certain set of pills/ vitamins/ electrolytes/ etc. in order to recover ASAP, but it didn't make the symptoms disappear and so panic remained. i think we were too dissociated to know what we were doing anyway. AND, with all the "godphone" reliance of the thriskefoni, most of them WILL NOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT "GOD'S PERMISSION," i.e. "hearing Jesus &/or Mary TELL them what to do." so even when we know we MUST drink our electrolytes to prevent hypokalemic disaster, they WON'T DO IT UNLESS GOD APPROVES. they will panic. "should I drink this? Is this right? Does God want me to do this?" etc. they are absolutely paralyzed with indecision-- or rather, a total rejection OF decisive will-- until they are given orders.
these poor thriskefoni are the same ones that will spend hours praying just so they don't have to do anything else with life. to them, life is prayer-- there are no messy decisions or opinions or choices or problems to deal with. just kneel and read prayer cards for three hours, that's all that matters!
on that note, they got what they wanted, and I daresay (with no small amount of holy fear) that God did, too, because from about 845 to 1AM we collapsed on the couch, drifted in and out of consciousness, and just said prayers. there was some talking to God about our illness, I'm aware, but as to what was said i don't know. i know it had to do with death, and suffering, and surrender, and "God do You care about me" "God do You want me to die" "God why did You let this happen" etc. LOTS of Psalm praying, though, which we are aware of because it was pinging us, the people in Central, with how painfully relevant they were.

Nevertheless, that's all we have for today. We went to bed surrendered to God's Will and praying to wake up in the morning. If not, well, at least we don't have to struggle with our own stupid sins anymore.

But hey, Lamentations 3.:22-23 says it best: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is [His] faithfulness."

No matter how confusing and frightening this war of our innerlife may get, we can count on God.
Despite all the lies and propaganda, we know His voice inside our heart, and we know He loves us. Deep down we know. Our own existence as a System is miraculous proof of it, despite all odds.
Rest in that. Hope in that. Don't give up. Endure to the end.

saturday morning.

The very word "relationship" is a programming/ objectification trigger.
THAT'S why I say I can "only love strangers." It's a misunderstanding of this.
In actuality, I can love ANYONE as long as I am NOT "in a relationship" with them, no matter HOW close we are.
This is probably the real reason why I still am on the fence about the whole "marriage" concept. I like the concept, of course-- unity of opposites, two working as one, etc.-- but I do not like the fact that "now you're a legal couple!" "now you're tied to each other in a social/ cultural sense!" et cetera, plus the whole mess with sexuality and domestication that comes with it. It makes me very uncomfortable. It is not for me.
But the point is, that's a trigger word. "Relationship." It ties DIRECTLY into our biggest problem of "we see ourself (the physical self) as an object to be used."



later.


All right, I need help.
I have been self-abusing nonstop for FOUR WEEKS now. I've been marking the calendar and it has not abated.
This is bad. I don't think we've ever been this bad before, and that is scary.
I haven't had a full meal or a full night's sleep in a month, just about. Maybe three days of good sleep, but only as a result of exhaustion, and then I still wake up feeling sick.
In short, I'm scared. I can't remember not being sick at this point. I don't know how to stop.
That's the scariest part. I don't know how to stop anymore.

This isn't Jay. This is one of the long brown-haired brown-eyed girls. I'm guessing I'm about 17. I'm tied to the "Jess" bloodline thing.


★ A NOTE: the reason "Tar/Plague food" works is because it CHANGES THE BODY'S VIBRATION.
If you put enough sticky sick gunk INTO the body, it starts CHANGING the internal atmosphere of the body TO MATCH, therefore turning our body into a perfect breeding ground FOR THE TAR & PLAGUE.
THAT IS WHY WE ALWAYS GET HACKED AFTER EATING THAT GARBAGE!!!!!!!!!




the night


FOUND MY HAIR OVERLAY. Thank God. It's the same as my original pixel, go figure.
It's also a different color than the other Jay fragments have been holding. It doesn't have a yellow overcast, it's not pinkish, it's not glaring white. It has a sparkle to it but it's not silvery, it's not "flat" like a holographic page. It's like… I don't know, it's hard to see actually. But it's not stark white and it's not sheer color either. It's a balance like it should be.
Genesis also pointed out that I DON'T have a Pinstripe-style beard, which has been shadowing lately (I have this instead, IRL too). Pinstripe's vibe in general has been showing up a LOT lately as an overlay, which is making me kind of nervous; he wasn't bad, not actively... he was just... selfish? Self-centered? Too much like the mother. He had too much ice to him. I wonder if that's playing into the problem lately. Neither he nor his timeframe would be triggered without a reason. And they're both 2010 locked.
...You know, Laurie and I have been thinking about that stuff lately... the first suicide attempt, the sheer shock and crushing horror that accompanied the graveyard realization. It was a horrid, sickening time. I still can't think about it without wanting to sob and scream and shut down, but that emotion is EXPLICITLY Cannon's, it's not mine at all.
I wonder. I think we'll bring this up to the therapist on Monday.

This feels like me, the REAL me, the TRUE me... like what my inner spaces SHOULD look like. Feeling it, it's absolutely solidly sure, the sort of "perfect fit" resonance that just makes my soul settle into itself with a smile. That color against the holy white... that's all I'm sure of.



wondering if white/ black have DUAL COLOR PEOPLE???
since they are rainbow slots, technically.
i.e. headvoices with black/white hair but COLORED EYES.
one for each color? SPLIT? (7 each? or 6, if brown & gray DON’T count)

black guy out in church again. his name keeps resonating with "joph" as a root but no idea what that extends into. originally though his name was "jaiden/jayden" but that has too sharp an edge; this guy has a very soft edge vibe.
he has black hair and gold eyes currently. still thick dreads with gold crystal threads all through them. very serene. I like him.




I need to stop looping "Eventually" because it's tearing at my heart. I keep thinking of Laurie and wanting to just cry because damn it how did we get to this point.

If only there could be another way to do this
Cause it feels like murder
To put your heart through this
I know I always said that I could never hurt you
Well this is the very very last time I'm ever going to
But I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too
Said, I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too
Eventually…

I have so much heartbreaking ardent love for her, it's driving me to tears. And yet look at what I've done, look at the sins I've allowed to happen through tolerance, through hesitation, through inaction. I am so sorry. God I am so sorry, please forgive me for what I didn't do.



I really don’t know how things got this bad, this painful, this scary.
Every day we have the possibility of death standing behind us, hands on our shoulders, warning, waiting. I'm not scared of death itself but I'm scared of dying like this, when everything feels so incomplete and unfinished and tangled and raw, when there's still so much for us to heal and illuminate and put back together.

I can't die yet, we can't die yet, not like this, not in such a shambled state.
But there are lights, as I say. There are colored lights, brighter in the midst of this hell than they've been in half a year or more, and that is absolutely shocking.
But it's hope. It's sheer hope-- not even that. It's faith, in us. It's trust. It's love.

That's all I can say for tonight. Just light a little candle and keep it burning so I don't forget the truth beneath all this surface level pain and worry.

It's taking sheer willpower right now.
A song by U2 was looping in my head the other day… Cel's song.
"Love makes no sense of space and time will disappear; love and logic keep us clear, reason is on our side, love…"
Right now emotions are still largely buried, fogged-out. But logic is solid, strong, true. Sherlock is being pushed to a very prominent position and although that's surprising it's exactly what we all need right now.
I wonder if Markus needs to step back into this. He feels like maybe he should. Poor dude was in the background for years too, but when he shines, he's like the sun.
In any case, right now our heart is running on hope and we're tired. Right now, our mind needs to embrace the fact that it, too, is bright and holy and it, too, is good. We've had too many people tell us "the mind is bad" and that is not true.
Logic, reason, the mind, all that CAN be perfectly good and we WILL use it as such, some of us ARE that, and THEY are the people guiding us through hell right now.
But it takes sheer willpower. It takes strength, and detachment.
It's funny how I only ever understand this spiritual stuff we read when I see its reflection in headspace. I keep remembering how inside, we figured so much out without books anyway… honestly I want to go back to that. All our docs say we should stop reading all these articles but the paranoia, and the misrouting, is getting in the way. Honestly though, the saddest bit is that I KNOW "we" are only madly reading that stuff because it's acting as a placebo, as a replacement, for life inside. And that is heartbreaking.

Self-abuse and self-loathing is keeping us from really connecting as we should.
There are too many low-level alters that are running the show, working for "survival" on the basest level and still managing to fuck everything up. It's blind, identity-less programming.
But we're aware of it. We know it's there, we know what it's doing, and we're wise to it. Every single day, EVERY single day, even if it doesn't seem like it… we make progress. We talk. We look at what happened, or didn't happen, and we try to heal a little more. We talk to other people. We knit things back together, or tear other things back apart. It's fixing, healing, all the time. We don't quit. Maybe that's hope enough.
We just can't lose ourselves. Ever.
This color in my heart is heaven and it is utterly beloved to me. I cannot live without it, I know that.
Every day I try a little harder. One day I know I won't have to try, because we'll all be here all the time, bright and complete and no longer hiding or being buried. One day we'll be endless colored light and that's enough to move towards.

Sometimes I think that's what Death is really about. What ze's really saying.
I do love death, as a concept. Endings, transitions, the promise of something new being able to bloom from the ashes. Phoenixes. Winter.

Autumn is coming and it already feels like it. Summer feels "flat" to me, like an interim. Autumn feels like birth. Winter feels like life. It's so strange. But there it is.
Our autumn-colored people have all been having trouble lately, but they're all trying so hard too… they have such good hearts, I love them all dearly. I can feel the brimming potential in them, like they're almost at the verge of some great change, some luminous shift, but they're not quite there yet. Maybe autumn will bring that for them, when the world itself shines with their hues.

In the meantime we'll do everything we can.

 

 

 

Currently following Spinny's paper trail.

2009 is one of our most striking "lost years." We're mostly unsure who the heck was around during that time, but I want to solve it.
There was a bad hack tonight, I'm in pain, I'm scared, and I'm cut off from headspace. I'm trying to stay optimistic though... "death isn't a curse." "This won't ruin you." "No one can ever touch you again." Things like that. I know there are people in this body, in this heart, who carry pain from that in the past... I don't know them, I'm stuck down here. That's fine. I'll do my job the best I can, and keep this away from them.
This isn't Jay. I'm actually... closer to Cannon. I'm not the one they call Spinny, but I was around at the same time as them both. Maybe you can all call me Glissando, who knows.

Anyway. 2009. Let's see what we have.
I feel very close to parts of this year. Like right now, I feel like I should be in the kitchen, typing this journal entry, getting ready for Marywood in the morning. Cannon feels very close to me, like an invisible sibling almost. And there are hints of the boys in here too, but from the future, from beyond my time. I'm old, early college years... I know Genesis, but who knows where he is right now. I'm tied to coffee shops and sketchbooks at night. More of a... photography feeling. A late night sadness, but with hope beneath it. Walking through the rain.
But that's only part of this year, of 2009. Someone else was out during the day, online... some louder girl, someone we don't know. She's gone now, long gone as far as we know... so let me pick up these breadcrumbs once and for all.


JULY 2009


This picture is our main timestamp. She joined tweaktoday in July and we got some photos from it, markedly this one:


A photo of "jwl," but wearing Cannon's clothing. So we're not sure who this is, but it's the only photo we have of them from that time period.


The bookstore I loved. I didn't take this photo. I was never there in the morning. Honestly it's surprising to see the place so bright.

Whoever this person was, they were the LAST person to hold a lot of "old memories." They remembered some things from later childhood and the teenage years, which again suggests they were strongly tied to Spinny (which isn't surprising as they were a social fronter).

Sherlock here. Sorry for interrupting, I felt the data stream and was pulled in.
This is notable. I see we have a new speaker.


Whoever was out in 2009 was also out in 2010, according to later tweaktoday stuff. That's shocking.
Jayce was around during that time. He referenced "co-fronting" with at least one other person during that time.
Obviously.
That would be because NIER was in the life by that time. That's where the male anchor came from at last.

This was the TF2 phase. There's no memory of that, but here's some proof.
Same with the Pokemania. There's list of a Celebi binge around that time.
It was sold before we came to be, though.
Yes. That's why we have no direct memory of it. That was pre-Scratch. What else is here...

There's the Todd Rundgren concert. Does anyone remember that?
*shakes head*
No. Which is sad, because it was marked as a fond memory.
Does anyone else find it unsettling that so many memories are missing?
That's what we're trying to fix here, obviously.

This is getting tangled.
Oh-- no, this is important. That photo, right there. There was a third in the set which is missing due to overwhelming body dysphoria.
Was that tied to the fronter?
Apparently. This was Christmas 2009. The bloodline gender was shifting at the time.
Ah.
So mark that down.

Still a Celebi association in May 2010.
I think we should do this on our own time.
Wait-- there's our last big link. This song is relevant too.
Hm. College?
Yes. Thank you Kalisha, that is the exact memory this is tied too. There was an entry about that somewhere. Garrison?
Yes sir-- right here, this one.
Ah. Thank you. And I agree, let's let Glissando continue this on her own if she wishes. There's too much data to sift through in realtime.

That entry wasn't elaborated upon.
Which one, the Tony Bennett one?
Yes. She was sitting at a sunlit table to the right of the stairs... convinced that she was about to die. And singing. That is such a powerful memory, I can see it.
Strange... that that one moment might be burned into our minds so clearly.
Existential moments normally are.
Thank you, Kalisha. Now let's take a break from this; this is really hurting my head.
Too much information?
Too much tangled information. We can't do this and think at the same time. I'm sorry.
It's okay, Garrison, no need to apologize. Let's let this continue as it will.
Good bye everyone!



...Whoever wrote the poetry during this time period was really damn good at it. They were the first boy, I think. First boy bloodline dude.

I have a few vague but powerful memories from around Christmas 2011, when Julie turned Pink and the God Tier phenomenon started and I got this perfect commission. We were starting to be more active online, and we were working more with the Leagueworlds simultaneously.
We were also apparently selling things around that time... I know that happened, I have one or two flashbulb memories of selling the Care Bears; the laptop was in the hallway at that time, and we had a poster on the wall behind us from Spinny's lifetime.
Then there's a big break... whatever happened then is missing. Then we have handwriting examples, and that feels close, but it belongs to whoever was directly before me. It's when Razor came back and everyone Underground surfaced... honestly the idea that the Undergrounders weren't around at some point is baffling to me, haha. I can't imagine a life without Knife! Just kidding, but seriously. That's weird.

Anyway I'm taking this poor girl's screentime away. She's trying to figure out 2009 apparently, looks like the Archivists were around too for a bit.
2009... let me look. She'll return once she catches an anchor, I have no ties to this stuff outside of the bloodline.

Geez, which boy was this? Eros was dead by 2012... he showed up in early 2011. We had white hair for the second half of 2011 so he was already shifting out by then...
Oh, whoa, hold up, I just remembered. I hope I can find a timestamp for this. Back in the early Gen days, Cannon had Gamboge, or at least her early roots did. BUT there was a shift from her to whoever this Glissando person is tied to:

 

==> who was tied to before the solid NIER-induced gender shift in 2010.

Those are the ONLY visual representations we have from that time, so that's important!
There's a better entry on the Cores I should post, it'll likely help.

Last bit of commentary... 2009 was the "late night/ early morning" year as far as I can feel it. Jayce had his roots in the Japanese chillout music in the early mornings (Nomak, Nujabes, etc.) and Cannon lost her edge to the late-night photo browsing and different music (Bon Iver/ Coldplay/ Max Richter). That's what this Glissando person is tied to, it seems.

In any case this is one heck of a complicated entry. I'll close this up for now; sorry for this random infodump.
I guess we're just trying to figure out who's who, what with all these old triggers and worries coming up. We can't find the roots for most of them because the memory times are missing. So this is a good step in that sense.
It's just that the old years feel bad. No one likes looking at them because they just feel ill, or unsettling. Like we don't need to sift through them. So let's not put more time towards this than we need to. This is reappearing so it can be healed and let go of for good... not held on to! There's no need or use for that.
Okay, off I go.

 
-------------------------------------------------

Important notes to close:

--The original Core known as "spinny c" was NOT the "work fronter!" We assumed she was for ages, but we were wrong. There was simply a lot of personality bleedover (submissiveness, people-pleasing) going on between those two states.

--There seems to have been a permanent "core split" with the original Jewel line (females) being tied to the outer world and the League, and the Jay[ce] line (males) being tied to the inner world and the System. This allows for proper, coherent function on both fronts without compromising health and sanity.