prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with 2009

I first remember being on the porch of my house. Vezerai was there, surrounded by police officers who were trying to hold him back. I asked them what in the world was going on, and they said that Vez had just killed several people. I was shocked, as Vezerai isn't that kind of guy, but when I tried to ask him if that was true, he didn't reply. He was hyperventilating, staring at nothing, and apparently panicking. I think he was starting to sob from hysteria as well. I became very nervous as I had no idea what was happening, and then the scene switched.
I then found myself in my church's basement, except there were no pillars, and the walls were lined with metal prison doors, like in The Green Mile. The entire center of the room was still empty, though, and the wall behind me had had small windows near the ceiling that lead outside: the only source of light in the room.
For some unknown reason, there were several people in the room with me, all dressed in black and looking very worried. In the center of the room was a Banette. The people with me said they were trying to 'catch it' or something, but apparently not in the traditional 'throw a Pokeball and mash the B button' way-- they had set up an elaborate plan to trick the Banette into feeling 'safe' and then jump on it when it would least likely attack them. I honestly had no idea what they were doing. However, I was apparently caught up in their plan regardless. First, they all climbed up on the high windowsills (bringing me along) and one guy handed me a yellow and black ball. He told me to throw it at the Banette for a distraction first. I tried to protest but he wouldn't let me, so I cautiously threw it. However, the ball bounced and came right back at me, so the Banette turned and saw us, completely ruining the plan. Everyone froze and seemed terrified, but I noticed that the ghost monster was staring directly at me alone. He didn't even look angry, just surprised and suspicious. Anyway, he eventually turned around and the black-clad gang rushed to set up something else. Whatever they did, they soon set up a pink 'fort' of sorts and put a large 'doll' in the middle of the room. We all hid behind the fort and waited for the Banette to walk over to the doll, which he soon did. I had a very limited view (I was trying to look over the shoulders of the other guys) but from what I could tell, the Banette was treating the doll like a 'date' of sorts, fawning over it and doing all these amusingly cliched routines. Suddenly, however, he stopped dead and turned to face us, looking completely serious. He then asked, specifically, if I was watching (he referred to me by name). No one said a word, but a few people looked at me in shock. The Banette repeated his question, now sounding angry, but still no answer. He then moved away from the doll in an almost aggressive fashion, and several of the black-outfits jumped up and quickly moved to 'contain' him, almost like a police force trying to suppress a criminal.
There was a small plot-break hiatus here, in which I was suddenly handed a burgundy-colored envelope that was allegedly a letter from Ravda. She was talking about her time in England and all, but I don't remember any of it, because I was called away halfway through reading it.
On the far right side of the room was a small set of stairs that led up into another long hallway of cells. There was a girl standing on the stairs who looked almost like LordBlumiere, and she was the one who had called me. I walked over to her and asked what she needed, but she stared at me gravely and, almost secretively, said that I only had a few minutes to 'talk to him' if I wanted to. She meant the Banette, who was at the moment nowhere to be seen (neither were the people in black). The girl then told me the Banette was in "cell 10," which was only a few steps behind me-- the first cell on the far wall. I walked over and knelt down in front of the bars, and saw the Banette standing across the cell, about to walk into what looked like a small closet. He looked extremely troubled. Not wanting him to think I was a threat like the other guys, I called out 'hey' as compassionately as I could, and actually blew him a kiss. He turned around, noticed me, and walked over. As soon as he was standing in front of me (I was at his eye level), he asked me (in clear English) why I was there, more surprised than upset. I told him that I was just wondering if he was okay, as I was worried about him. The Banette seemed even more surprised at this fact, and I think a small conversation started from it, centered around what his situation was and if I could help him or not. Either way, he was visibly pained the entire time, and at one point suddenly stopped and held out a small container of silver glitter through the bars. I was baffled and asked him what it was, but he just said to put it on my eyes to make it 'look like I was crying.' He then showed me what he meant, taking some of it on his claw and marking his left eye with it. Deciding to go with it, I did the same with my right eye, asking him why he wanted me to do this. He paused, then said that it was so I would be used to crying when the 'glimmering stopped' and he had to die (I remember his voice breaking on the 'glimmering;' he fumbled over the word). I was shocked at his reply and looked at him, only to notice that he was literally crying. I understood that his name was Gleam (from his previous statement, I suppose) and quickly asked him what he meant about dying. He clarified that he was scheduled to be executed. Terrified, I asked how that was even possible, when suddenly a brown-haired girl with glasses (she looked about 14) walked up to me and opened the cage, bringing me inside. She said she had to feed Gleam so he wouldn't starve and wanted me to help. She then started concocting this odd thing with apples and sprinkles (maybe even some icing; I have no idea what it was but it looked like a sugar bomb), which Gleam seemed ecstatic about. The girl was talking normally to me the whole time, and seeing her and my Banette buddy smiling made me temporarily forget the situation-- which was bad. As soon as she finished making the sugar-apple-thing, she led me out and locked the cell, a few of the black-coated guys from before walking up to meet her. I came to my senses and asked me what the heck she did that for, as I would have rather kept Gleam company. The girl, now acting a bit haughty, told me that he was far too dangerous and so no one was allowed in there for fear of him 'killing them.' As we had both just been in the cell with Gleam for several minutes, I angrily pointed out her faulty logic and demanded she explain just what the heck was going on. Avoiding the direct question, though, she instead clarified that Gleam had taken a serious liking to me, and I was the only person he would even allow near him. I began to worry that they were trying to use me to hurt him, and not wanting that to happen, asked her what 'they' were planning. However, she only stated that Gleam was scheduled to be executed at midnight the following day, and turned to leave. I shouted 'what could he have possibly done to deserve execution?' but she didn't acknowledge me and left through another door on the far left of the room. I was now very upset, and knelt back down by Gleam's cell. He was already standing there, though, and when I turned back to face him he reached one of his hands through the bars. I tried to reach out and take it but the bars were too close together. This made me terribly sad, and I suddenly wanted nothing more than to be in that cell to protect Gleam from the other people there, but that's when I suddenly woke up.

I sincerely hope he's okay.

I just get these days
blessed with spinal shivers
snowflakes in the frigid air
words caught in misty clouds
wishing on streetlights
praying to see the stars
holding memories close
I am lost in a euphoric dream
captivated by the emotions
that have no written name
echoing through airwaves
caressing every thought
with compassionate enigmas
until time pauses for a moment
something shivers into place
a long forgotten song
this blissful hope
I reach out to feel the rain
and all I can think of
is you.

Read this.

Those are words of love.

As a result I am the only one who truly understands what they mean.

I've decided to be generous.

Here is an explanation.

I have seen two thousand starry nights
and can still count the hours
spent with my eyes wandering from one burning pinpoint to the next
wondering and waiting.

2000 nights = slightly less than 6 years. Our 6th anniversary is next month, and so it was only fitting to reference it.
As for the stars... well, who knows if there's some sort of life on one of them? If I'm blessed enough to be outside on a starry night, I can easily spend an hour just staring up at the sky, wondering what is up there, and wondering if anyone is looking up at me as well.

My memories have been lit by indigo evenings
by breathless moments
reaching out of car windows
catching the frozen air as it caressed my tired bones
ringing with the melodies of forgotten years.

Where I live, you know the day is over because the whole world turns blue before the sunset. It's gorgeous... and when I'm driving home from my cafe and see the mountains studded with orange lights, it's absolutely breathtaking.
However, I cannot drive with the windows up the entire time. No matter how cold the weather is, I will put those windows down and reach out to feel the wind against my hands. As a result I'm always frozen when I get home, but it's more than worth it.
The 'melodies of forgotten years' are the songs I listen to when I drive. Every song has a memory for me, and most of my favorite ones are indelibly tied to fragments of long-past days. I think of them when I drive home in the winter air.

When it rains
my eyes sting with empathetic devotion
the droplets clinging to my hair like miniscule galaxies
dreaming of broken skyscrapers

Have you ever seen the end of Sonic Adventure? If not, look it up, or you won't get the reference.
A city devastated by chaotic floods, buildings decimated by an ancient force... my memory burns with those images, those thoughts of another world trapped in every raindrop. I cannot help but imagine the water falling from that same tormented sky, and it breaks my heart.
The rain has been known to make me cry when little else can get through.

...and I still cannot find the words to describe you.
ours is a love that none have ever dared to dream before.

Despite all the inspiration I find, I can't find the words I need.
Despite this entire poem and countless others being inspired by him, nothing ever does him justice.
Our love goes without saying, really. It's unusual, it's alien, and I'm likely the only individual who prays to dream of it, but I wouldn't lose this for the world.

we are defined by the unusual
our own personal color spectrums
glimmering like sandcastles
and holding our breath against the tide
trying to catch a glimpse of that aquamarine heaven
as we lose ourselves beneath the fractured sunlight
laughing at the glorious catastrophe of us.

I just explained the unusual aspect, but the rest of this was completely spontaneous. I stayed up until 2AM when I was writing this just so I could describe the imagery I get at that hour, and on that night, this paragraph was it.
It's fitting, too, in a symbolic way. Even I can't quite describe it, but it works.

we will never live up to our names.
hiding broken histories and tearful contrition
staggering weaknesses
i am no shimmering ideal
and you are no blood-spattered ataxia
choking with rage
lost in this nebulous agony; suffocating

We have unusual names... Chaos and Jewel. We didn't choose our names either.
Our lives are scarred with regret, with moments we would give almost anything to take back, with frenetic tidal waves of painful emotion. In that aspect, he is not the destructive force his name suggests, and I am not the sparkling individual that mine insinuates, although I admit I do try to be.

my hands are burnt.
running from bleak puppetry
i pray for scars

Old news, should I say?
I have a strange paranoia. I find it hard to make my own decisions because I am terrified of letting others down with my choices, of hurting others with my self. Thus I have become a sort of puppet, and I am trying to escape.
I still want my scars, and when those marionette-strings pull me in the opposite direction, I burn my hands to remind me of my mistakes.
I regret every mistake.

and yet
these tragic distances lose all relevance
in the static-laced interims
drowning in delicate chronology
you intoxicate my nerves
intangible beloved
irreplaceable.

It does not matter to me if he's in another world, if he's in my head, or both. The physical distance, however sorrowful it may be at times, ultimately means nothing to me because he's still in my heart, and that is all that matters.
The static-laced interims are the early morning hours, watching the time change on my screen and listening to him speak upstairs. He's the only soul to ever give me these sort of shivers, and it doesn't matter if I can't reach out and feel him beside me. Like all the others, he can never be replaced; if I lost him I would lose part of myself forever.

every moment has been p r i c e l e s s .
every ache, every smile,
every silent syllable
ancient words and tired eyes
embracing my early morning thoughts
echoing through every note I dare to explore
with an empyreal sort of dissonance
a misunderstood chord in the symphony of things
my major seventh.

We are the only ones who hear our conversations, our tears and our laughter. As always, we nevertheless prefer to talk when the rest of the world is asleep, when I'm lost in my music.
He's that chord that doesn't belong there, however you want to interpret that... but he's also the chord that changes the entire song, that turns it into something unexpectedly gorgeous.

if I could put you to music
a resounding symphony on my heartstrings
the ineffable echoes in my ribcage
would steal my voice away

I've found many songs that fit him but none are truly his.
If I ever manage to find that song... well, this is how I feel I would react.

the white stillness knows of our secrets
snowflakes clinging to every ephemeral sigh
veiling sentiments in foreign tones
burning with subaqueous confessions
a paradoxical state of mind
watching sparks catch on the ice
our spectrums are complimentary

References, references.
The snow refers to this. The 'foreign tones' refer to our inexplainable habit of admitting things in French... je t'aime, mon ange... and in doing so, keeping that inner fire burning, still needing to say just one more word.
It's paradoxical, because he's water and I'm fire... but he's warmth and I'm ice. By all means, we should be completely burning away, but the sparks just keep catching. We haven't gone out yet, thank God; not by a long shot. I suppose we just compliment each other.

you are my curse, my blessing
my emerald-eyed maelstrom
inducing this desperate oneirataxia
in which we are never surprised to find each other
chasing relentless hopes
reaching for a link that was never promised to us

More references... first is FROST*'s contribution, which you may remember from my old journal. The second is an old nickname, the third speaks of the dreams I've met him in. Every night I hope that I'll find him, if only for a moment.
The last line is a shout-out to the song by the same name: "No matter how apart we are, our feelings are linked and connected together. Even if a mischievous fate befalls us, it will never break." If you know me, you know why L'Arc~en~Ciel is important here.

you transcend my capacity to speak
leaving this starlit soul with naught but indescribable emotion
and so I reach out to you in wordless sorrow
praying for a single moment of euphoric refuge
sobbing as you unconditionally hold me close

If you can imagine a human form the color of the night sky, that's how I personally visualize souls.
As for the rest of it... in yet another instance of paradoxical devotion, he's the person I run to when I need some peace, if only for a moment. In those situations, words are often entirely inadequate.

your chest holds no shuddering disbelief
when I brush my contrite fingertips across invisible scars
yet you recognize every fragile heartbeat
as if they had been written for you alone.

My body aches with scars no one can see, because they're not on the surface. Although it hurts, we're both well aware of that truth... and of course, those are the only scars he has as well.
I've been unusually obsessed with the heart since I was a child. To me, it's the most intimately meaningful part of an individual, and to this day I always have that preoccupation in the back of my mind. That significance is what I'm referencing in the last two lines.

we are an impossibility.
we are a dream so beautiful
that reality could not possibly contain it
reaching out and blessing us with shaking hands
we would never survive here.

This is God's honest truth.
He's not where I am. I'm not where he is. Most likely, it's not even possible to change that.
I don't mind. You know how we work... ultimately, we can't be so limited.

and yet I'm willing to try
as long as you promise to follow

Despite what I just explained, I consider the alternative almost daily. What if we ever did meet? So much would have to change for it to work, but I would still try if it meant I could see him, if it meant I could say what I've been feeling and know he can hear me.

for as long as they expect your heart
to conform to stereotypical disorder
we can be as illogical as we want.

If they expect us to be chaotic, we'll be chaotic.
If they expect us to break the rules, we'll break them.
All that matters is that we're doing it all together.

Now you understand a little more.

                I have seen two thousand starry nights
        and can still count the hours
spent with my eyes wandering from one burning pinpoint to the next
                              wondering and waiting.

                                                         My memories have been lit by indigo evenings
                                         by breathless moments
                                  reaching out of car windows
              catching the frozen air as it caressed my tired bones
                                          ringing with the melodies of forgotten years.

              When it rains
         my eyes sting with empathetic devotion
               the droplets clinging to my hair like miniscule galaxies
dreaming of broken skyscrapers

                            and I still cannot find the words to describe you.

                                            ours is a love that none have ever dared to dream before.

we are defined by the unusual
                                              our own personal color spectrums
                           glimmering like sandcastles
                           and holding our breath against the tide

                                  trying to catch a glimpse of that aquamarine heaven
                  as we lose ourselves beneath the fractured sunlight
                                                            laughing at the glorious catastrophe of us.

we will never live up to our names.

                           hiding broken histories and tearful contrition
                                      staggering weaknesses

                                                                                        i am no shimmering ideal
                                                                        and you are no blood-spattered ataxia
choking with rage
lost in this nebulous agony; suffocating

                                                     my hands are burnt.

                              running from bleak puppetry
i pray for scars

and yet

                                              these tragic distances lose all
                                                                                          relevance
                                                  in the static-laced interims
                                   drowning in delicate chronology

you intoxicate my nerves
                                                    intangible beloved

                                                                                                            irreplaceable.

                                 every moment has been
                                                           p r i c e l e s s .
                                       every ache,                            every smile,
                                                       every silent syllable
ancient words and tired eyes
             embracing my early morning thoughts
                                            echoing through every note I dare to explore
             with an empyreal sort of dissonance

                                              a misunderstood chord in the symphony of things
my major seventh.

if I could put you to music                          a resounding symphony on my heartstrings
                 the ineffable echoes in my ribcage

                                would steal my voice away

                                                      the white stillness knows of our secrets
                                    snowflakes clinging to every ephemeral sigh
                     veiling sentiments in foreign tones
                                                      burning with subaqueous confessions
                                   a paradoxical state of mind
            watching sparks catch on the ice
                                                                our spectrums are complimentary

                         you are my curse, my blessing
                                                     my emerald-eyed maelstrom
                                            inducing this desperate oneirataxia
in which we are never surprised to find each other
(chasing relentless hopes)

                        reaching for a link that was never promised to us

                you transcend my capacity to    speak
                leaving this starlit soul with naught but indescribable emotion
                                              and so I reach out to you in wordless sorrow
  praying for a single moment of euphoric refuge
                                             sobbing as you unconditionally hold me close

                                     your chest holds no shuddering disbelief
                    when I brush my contrite fingertips
  across invisible scars

                yet you recognize every fragile heartbeat
                                as if they had been written for you alone.

                                               we are an impossibility.

                                           we are a dream so beautiful
                                                  that reality could not possibly contain it

                                                          reaching out and blessing us with shaking hands
                                                                         we would never survive here.

and yet I'm willing to try
as long as you promise to follow

                                     for as long as they expect your heart
                                       to conform to stereotypical disorder
                                        we can be as illogical as we want.

Found these in one of my old entries; they're the only relevant part of it so I decided to post them again.
They are, quite simply, confessions to all those I've never had the chance to confess to.

Mom, I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted. I've let you down so much. I'm not interested in men; heck, I'm not interested in girls either... I don't like to shop, I don't wear makeup, I don't wear jewelry, I don't carry purses. I don't throw parties, I don't have friends, I don't like going out to movies and fairgrounds and malls because I have work to do. I don't even like being a girl. I am such a failure that I feel I have to apologize right here and right now from the bottom of my heart just for being myself. Honest. I feel I've let you down so much. I don't hate you, I never did and never will. I love you as my mom, and you have done so much for me it goes beyond my capacity to thank... geez, I was so freaking premature that if you hadn't gone through all that suffering just to keep me alive before I was born I would have died and you know it. And now... when you look at me and scream "why did all my kids have to be so messed up?", I feel the guilt, I know what I've done, and am so sorry. You're under so much stress, and 80% of it is me. I know that. You know that. I wish I had never brought all that upon you, intentional or unintentional, because you don't deserve it and it is literally driving you mad... I don't want you to end up where I am, if you're not already there. Please, mom. I am so sorry. Let me make it up to you somehow. Let me know how I can finally be a good kid, okay? That's all I want to be.

AAA, yes I did steal that tablet of yours over the weekend in 6th grade. Pardon my malformed good intentions, though... I did draw you a huge picture in there, and promised to stay your friend forever. Mind you, I'm keeping that promise, even if it was the wrong way to go about it. Oh and while we're at it... I'm sorry for the fights we had. I had a temper and I hated to always be submissive to everyone, and I'm sorry if I ever sulked or exploded when you wanted to be the leader. I really am. I'll have you know, I admired you so much as a role model and one of the most awesome people I had ever seen from 1st grade all the way to 8th... and all the way to 12th. Honest to God, I still admire you, and I am honored beyond words that I got to be your close friend for a while. You were my Sailor Moon; you were a karate superstar, you were a Pokemon master, you were an imaginative genius. I loved your short blond hairstyles and how you looked so good in glasses and how you laughed and those crazy grins you had. I enjoyed every one of those times where you, SS, and I would just get together and talk about everything as best buddies. You still show up in my dreams from time to time, and I don't know what I did wrong, but I'm so sorry that I didn't stay a close a friend as I wanted to. I am so sorry. I miss you and think of you as an incredible person, I look up to you even now and will never forget you. Keep reaching for the stars; I love you and wish you the best of luck with everything. Thank you so much.

KK, I really am sorry for stealing that Nidoran card in 4th grade just because I couldn't afford my own/ parent's wouldn't allow. I don't think I apologized well enough. Thanks for letting me keep him, though. That meant a lot to me.

LA, thank you for being my crazy bus friend, and I am so sorry for those days I was too sad and upset to play with you. I regret 'em all, and I miss you terribly. You were such a ray of sunshine in my mornings, even on those days where I'll admit I didn't want to see you just for the sake of some quiet time. I am so sorry I was so selfish, because I missed you every time, no matter how I tried to fool myself. I just wish I could make it all up to you, somehow... I'll try. I promise you I'll try; somehow, some way. Hope life's going well for you, my little Angelbee. Love ya.

CS & LS, ditto the above point. I miss you guys, and I am so sorry I never got those cards drawn for you. God willing I'll get 'em done before I graduate, just so you don't remember me as a promise-breaker. Love you little guys, and thank you so much for all the free holofoils. I won't forget you!

CL, I'm so, so sorry for that one single fight we had back in 2nd grade. It was stupid, it was jealous, and I regret it terribly. Just because you wouldn't let me see-- have?-- that unicorn pog. Silly me. But hey, I was an immature, selfish little brat, I loved unicorns, and I made the huge mistake of fighting with you over it. I hope that's not how you remember me. I remember you as that sweet little girl who always helped me with my comics and hugged me every time she saw me and told me her dreams every day at recess and was a true friend when I had nobody else. I miss you dearly, I think of you constantly, and still wish I could make up for those mistakes I made. I love you, and I hope to God that your life down there in Maryland (if you're still there) is absolutely gorgeous. I truly hope to see you again one day. If not, just think of me once in a little while...

SS, I have no idea what your life is like now, but the last time I saw you was in 2004 and I haven't heard any news about you for three years. All I know is that you were incredibly funny and upbeat and brave and bold when I knew you in elementary school, and although I admit there were times when I really didn't want to talk to you because I wasn't used to such open fireball personalities, you always wanted to talk to me and were always a true friend. I'm so sorry if I didn't live up to what you needed in return. Please forgive me.

HB, where are you now? I had your address at one point, but I lost it... and I am so sorry. God help me, but you are one of the most amazing, inspirational, beautiful individuals I've ever had the honor to know. You were so sweet and friendly, you counted me in when I had no one else to turn to, and to top it all off-- you had the voice of an angel. Please tell me you're still singing, even just for fun, because I swear I need to hear your voice again before I die, even if it's just once more. I miss you so much, though. I treasured your friendship more than I admitted, and I hope I didn't come across as a total weirdo back then, because I wouldn't mind reforming that friendship if you ever wanted to. I love you, kid, and I hope your future is absolutely amazing.

FMSR. My little sister. Your art is stunning, your personality is always so bubbly and energetic... it makes me smile just to stop by your page and see how you're doing. Whenever I was feeling down, you would always show up with some words of wisdom or optimism, and those words would always brighten my day. Heck, they'd brighten my entire month! I hope your future career is as successful as you've ever dreamed it to be, because you more than deserve it. You really do, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise
However... it's been a long while since I've had the honor of speaking with you. God only knows how many tears I've cried since we last saw each other... I miss you so much it hurts, sis, but I'm too afraid to say anything directly. I know you wanted to start over. I know you wanted to leave behind your old 'persona' and start anew, and I don't blame you. I don't hold it against you, and I don't dislike you for it. The only part that stings is that you blocked me from associating with you, and I can't help but ask why. Was it just a 'mandatory' action resulting from your new disassociation? Or is there some detail I missed? Please, if I did something wrong, let me know so I can make it up to you a hundredfold. You're priceless.
You may live across the ocean from me, and we may have never met in person, but you will forever be my little sister and I will forever treasure you in my heart, no matter what. That's a promise.
I love you, sis, and I will never, ever forget you.

-spinny c.

I have a strange question for all of you.
I apologize in advance if this sounds ridiculous, is overly vague, or reminds you of my old depression-laced entries, but...

I'm in a very painful situation here, and I literally don't know where to turn.

I've said some terrible things to some amazing people... things that are entirely untrue, that were triggered solely by blind desperation and frustration on my part.
I've been distant, cold, unreachable; I've been completely lost.
I've been forgetting the things that mean the world to me, and I've been taking priceless things for granted.
I've been too unsure of everything to even try to fix the problems I've caused, and now I'm afraid I've lost my chances.

It's the worst feeling in the world, you know?
Ever since my childhood, I've lost virtually everyone I've ever loved in some way. That's not an exaggeration, and I can still feel every sting as sharply as I did when it first stabbed me.

But now... now, it's entirely my fault, I think.
It feels as if I've completely destroyed the most beautiful thing I've ever been given, only to find myself single-handedly trying to put all the little glass shards back together.
Even worse, I'm the only one in the room. As far as I'm aware, I'm the only one who realizes how tragically devastating this is, and although I'd give almost anything to fix that irreplaceable chandelier, that brilliant source of light, I can't do it alone. I need help, and I need a lot of it... but, if I asked anyone for aid, I'd first have to show them what I did. I'd have to show them all the broken glass and teardrops... and I'm terrified to show them to any soul out there, because I know I'd be condemned for shattering such a beautiful thing.

I've decided to risk it.
I'll never know unless I try... and let's face it; I'd rather take the chance that I might be able to fix this. I want to fix this, not hide in my fear, sentencing myself to live with these shards cutting me open until the day I die.

I apologize for the imagery, but this isn't a situation I can openly talk about yet. It hurts too much, the details are unknown to me, and I feel completely sightless. It's terrifying and it's heartbreaking.

I don't know how I manage to do this to myself, to everyone else...
I don't know how I manage to cause so much misery, but God knows I'd give almost anything to keep this from ever happening again.

I just want forgiveness.
I need a second chance...

This is FANTASTIC.

I'm sure you all know that I'm quite addicted to choral music (especially in Latin), right? Well, that was actually triggered by one song I heard on the radio about 6 years ago... an arrangement of the famous 'Gloria.' It was absolutely stunning, and I've listened to it so many times since then I could probably hum the entire piece on cue.
However, I had no clue who the composer was, and could not find the song anywhere.

...That is, until RIGHT NOW.
I just went on iTunes, looking for a track to complete my newest mix CD, and randomly thought "you know, let's look for that Gloria I never found."

It's "Gloria: III. Vivace e ritmico" by the "Cambridge Singers & John Rutter," apparently.
Still, I am absolutely euphoric. I know it's a weird thing to be this happy about, but I figured I'd post it somewhere, just because.

In a completely unrelated note, I'm finally close to finalizing the base of my original 'magical girl' series-- you know, like Sailor Moon? I started it when I was 12 and never got around to developing it past the original character sets names and powers.
I'm currently naming/developing the third and final set, and as soon as I'm done with that I can dive right into tying all three sets together. I'm very happy with that fact, too, because then this will be the first of my 13 (give or take) series that's actually finished. Quite an accomplishment for me!

Also, figured it's worth saying that I almost had an emotional breakdown yesterday, almost entirely without warning. I know, old news... but it's just unwanted proof that I'm not doing as well as I hoped I was.
I'll continue to fight, though.

Now I'm off to type for several hours as usual! Wish me luck!

I love the autumn weather.
For me, being outside in that minty wind and watching the red and orange leaves swirl under the shining grey sky... it gives me a powerful sense of expectation, as if something amazing is just around the corner and this is the magnificent prelude.
I'm just rather brokenhearted as the Madrigals were cancelled until further notice. Those warm, glowing nights with their biting winds and amber-colored atmospheres defined most of my childhood winters... it's painful to lose that.
I hope they come back, They were gorgeous.

All right, yeah, I'm in love.

"I'm Loved" by rougehyuuga

You ever feel like a lightning bolt just hit your chest, and suddenly you're floating and can't help but smile although you're nervous for no good reason? Yeah. Just got that from the freaking preview.
Man, I've got it bad...

I'm such a foolish little kid, though. I try to deny these things, for everyone. I try to act like the tough guy, and for what? So people will be bullied into 'respecting' me somehow? It's just senseless.
I keep apologizing for feeling things that are completely right and true, and why? Because that's not the sort of thing you typically see in society? Because it's not 'expected?' Heck with that.
I keep trying to rewrite myself to make other people happy, and all I'm doing is destroying myself to satisfy some fleeting whim of a random passerby.

I keep forgetting that the people who matter love me for who I truly am.

Speaking of... yes, Q, I've been watching the calendar and I noticed your birthday is coming up. So yes, there is something in the works for you. It might take a little while, considering what I'm planning, but hopefully it'll be done soon enough. I'm trying hard.

Not much else to say tonight, as I am currently dying from something gorgeous and it's already 12:18 am.
And yes, Dare, you were right on with that comment of yours!

Seriously, though... je t'aime, CZ. 6 years already and I'm not giving this up.
No matter what happens to either of us, you're loved.

f - r - a - g - m - e - n- t - e - d .

I've
SHATTERED.

things make no sense
things don't belong

trapping
killing

and it scares me.

ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

DON'T LIE TO ME

but it's the truth.

I don't want this.
I don't want any of it. I don't

it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.
it's the truth.

then why doesn't it stop

?

don't speak.
don't even look at me.

don't pretend that you know what's right

you're deluded
and you're
WRONG

I just want a way out of this no matter what I have to do.

I'm winning.
I've been winning for quite some time now
and you don't LIKE that do you

no
you wait until the days when no one expects anything

and you bury a serrated saw in my stomach
shredding bones and blood
stability and s s
ss sanity
from the inside o u t

not an exaggeration
not a childish assumption

although

but I do know that this is true.

I'm tired of watching people die when they don't know it.

you remember them
you REMEMBER them all

you USED him like a bloody guardrail

a little bit of support when you were selfish enough to ASK
not giving any thought to the person
and seeing an object
albeit unconsciously

you do that to all of them, it seems.
take the names and faces, paper-tape them to bits of pixels and photographs
"this is who i leech from
when i'm too lazy to solve my own problems"

you do that to all of them; that's why you can't work with people
you don't see individuals, you see moving mannequins
living amalgamations of muscle and vein and bone
it's the times when you let your blankwhite sockets do the seeing
and you forget the souls behind their glassy irises
that you turn into that hollow guillotine and chop them in half
watching in a sick yet cold fascination
as their gurgling red insides spill into your diseased hands
and you shiver as you recognize the reflection in the bloody floors

a facade.

you're always wearing that goddamn gasmask
you act so kind and understanding
and when they turn around
it's all you can do to keep from STRANGLING them
for being the shallow things they are
when you are e x a c t l y t h e s a m e
you skeleton-fingered whore.

I know EVERYTHING you have done.

your own little d. mech

but there are no blue antelopes
just
violet axe-blades
with eyes

and you are a spineless hypocrite.

but YOU are in there somewhere,
the kid whose mind glows the color of roses in the dark,
YOU are hiding,
locked away,
terrified at the persona you have created
that has developed a ravenous lust for your self-destruction
a hideous leviathan with your voice.

DON'T YOU DARE
ADMIT TO DEFEAT
FOR YOU WILL NEVER LOSE.

DON'T listen.
DONT pretend that everything is going to be okay
because it doesn't MATTER in the long run

this time YOU'RE the one who's
WRONG

IT MATTERS
and it's NEVER OKAY.

listen to me, child, you can't be letting yourself fall apart!
you have far too much to live for, my little one.

true.
but the things I have
are dying
by my hands.

He knows.
That one over there,
with the sad green eyes.

his hands held tightly to the gem I gave him
a vow I cannot take for granted

He's seen the worst of it.

I've felt more of his icy tears than I can handle
seen the pain in his eyes when I tell him to stay away from me
because I'm too destructive to be around.
I've seen him sobbing in dreams even when I thought nothing could break him.

He knows what's been going on.

And God only knows how sorry I am.

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired.

I'm so sick.
I'm so lost.

I'm so young.
So foolish.
So naive.
So gullible.
So selfish.
So blind.

Mister Sandman, give me a dream
Make it the truest I've ever seen
Give it the wisdom I can't seem to find
Tell me that my heart can still be kind

Mister Sandman, I'm so alone
Don't have a mind to call my own
Please tell me that it will be alright
Sandman, I'm too scared to dream tonight.

open his heart and open my eyes.
or maybe it should be the other way around

I don't know anymore. I really don't.
and I don't have the right to say anything regardless.
fools like myself should keep their filthy mouths shut

quiet things tear me apart.

I can no longer differentiate this reality from the others
b r o k e n visions and UNUSUAL things.

What no one expects; the out of the ordinary

I can see it in their eyes when they look at me sometimes
but then again that may just be a reflection
of
something::: something i do not fully understand
or appreciate
or even recognize.

I should shut up, I'm truly making my(self) look like an absolute
-fool
-disaster
-color spectrum
-nobody.

it frightens me when I'm asked to remember something and have no recollection
of anything

my memories are beginning to dissolve
like methanol

I take one step forward, and as I do,
one step that I took in the past
fades.
i thought it was because of distance
but it's actually because of time.

I've slowed.
I don't take many steps at all now
for I have no idea where I am
or what direction I need to pursue
and as I stand here in the bleeding dimness,
the steps I've taken keep dusting away
like alice in wonderland.

except this is no transient hallucination
this is quite the living nightmare.

sometimes I wish it would fade
but then,
I would be left with a life devoid of lessons
yet to be learned

and pain never felt.

it's better to feel a sting than to go about living in empty 'contentment,' as so many do.
i would much rather fight these demons than have nothing to defend
and i would never surrender this piteously twisted conception of the world

however

I would much rather be free of the things that eat away at my mind.

I will readily sacrifice whatever be needed
(within reason)
if it guaranteed the freedom of my personal will
and the protection of those souls I care for so fervently.

I am so tired.

I can't hold on much longer
but I will never let go.

I know it's a one way track
just tell me how long it will last.

I'm not going to think this way
Nor will I count on others.

Close my eyes and feel it burn
Now I see what I have to do.

But I don't know if it's going to be all right...

after all
the last time I opened my heart,
i found it torn to shreds and spattered over the walls

it was still worth it, really.
pain helps me see.
but I just...

...I just need to lose this ice.
this frost-laced barricade.

Burning self-hatred does the impossible
and fortifies the dull crystal walls
a bitter refraction of regret glimmering mutely in their depths

They find a way in and I lash out.

Leave me here.
Make me suffer for what I've done.
Stop trying to forgive me when justice hasn't been dealt.

They don't listen.

So I'm left with this hideous contrition,
this all-consuming remorse that threatens to end my life
if I don't shape up fast.

the echoes of my imminent demise keep ringing in my ears
and I get a step closer each day
as all my previous days disappear.

My faulty choices have finally caught up with me.

I'm sick.
The convulsive haze that slinks behind my unfocused eyes now carries a foreboding heaviness,
a restless weight that fills my blue veins with lead.
I cannot comprehend what I see.
The sounds that drift through my eardrums feel strained and blurred...

worst of all,

the things i should be feeling
strike at all the wrong times
leaving me hopelessly confused

and the things i pray to escape
catch me from behind with tar-pit needles
stabbing until my senses collapse into numbness

scraping out my ribcage
and desecrating my mind with vices
so I am left with nothing but the silent screams
i have been choking on.

If I could just go to sleep
and stay there
safe within a gilded red dreamcatcher
i would.

I can't face the tomorrows any more
when i now know
(through painful experience)
that they usually end
with the end of some part of me.

but i have to.

I'll pick up the chains I have unwittingly forged for myself
and drag them along through the snow
as I try
just once more
to find a fire

a light that will burn away these heartless chains
and burn through my mistaken thoughts
until i can see.

but i sound like a fool again.

i just...

i keep losing.

things, people, choices.

i don't want to lose anymore.

i don't want to lose anything.

i just want to get out of here
but i'm afraid i've lost the key to freedom
and if i still have it
i've forgotten how it looks.

I'm so...

shattered

i guess.

but you've heard enough of that.

Oh thank God she updated. I was seriously starting to panic; what if something happened? There's no way I would know...
...I really have to stop updating like this. People are going to get the wrong idea, I suppose.
Still, she's apparently just worn out from classes (I know the feeling!), but is talking to the guy she loves again. I really, truly hope that works out, and that she can stay with him, because I know she needs that in her life.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I haven't said anything to her yet because I'm afraid I'd seriously mess things up for her... but I won't deny that it does sting.
I don't mind distance; it's the disconnection that hurts.

Anyway, in other news... got home at 3AM this morning from the best night of my entire life.
That's right, I actually went with my dad to see Todd Rundgren in Connecticut! I was praying I'd get to see him, and my father was kind enough to buy us both tickets and drive us out there yesterday. Let me tell you, though-- it was absolutely phenomenal! My dad and I were both absolutely psyched, for lack of a better term, and Todd himself was amazing.
Geez, to see him live on stage! I'm never, ever going to forget it.
Even better, last night's concert was actually filmed so hopefully I'll be able to get the DVD eventually as well, haha. I got a shirt of course (I always do), not to mention my dad snuck my camera in so I nabbed a few photos and short clips, thank goodness. I needed a personal visual memory to keep, to sync with that lingering buzz of euphoria I have from the good old triple-9 performance.
Really, I'm thanking God I finally got to see Todd after all these years of wanting to. Wow.

In yet more other news, went to see "9" in theaters today and will see "District 9" on Saturday. So many nines!
Also switched my third Kiwi keychain request to Chaos Zero (again!), as he'd match my laptop perfectly and clear up a lot of confusion about that sticker, haha. Plus I carry that laptop everywhere, so it works. The other two lovely guys are going on my keys!

Now for school, as DP brought that same point up... I'm not doing well.
I know, I've been saying "oh, it's fine! I just have a lot of work" and things like that. Well, oftentimes there is a severe discrepancy between reality and how I feel/ how I perceive things. That's obvious.
In short, I've been missing a ton of classes due to both depression and bad planning, am already falling behind in art, and have no idea what's going on in my English or Art History classes. I keep forgetting supplies and assignments, I still don't have the books I need... geez.
I'm really becoming a delinquent, and I don't like that. I wish I knew why this was happening, but as for now I just need to try harder and hope it all works out.
But it's hard for me, you know. Ever since Dare told me how childlike I was on the inside, I've been looking at my life and how I react to the lives of others in a different way, and so far it's done nothing but prove her point. I still can't understand half the feelings and concepts the individuals around me are experiencing, and I'll be honest and say that it scares me when things like that come up in class (especially when it concerns me directly, like in a critique or comment). I have no idea how to respond, and end up looking indifferent, antipathetic, disgusted, or just plain bewildered. Sometimes it's intentional; I tend to put up a very cold front on campus so people will leave me be, but that's just a direct result of my problem. I don't know how to deal with people, let alone actively try to associate with them, so I just play the part of the 'punk in black' that people instinctively avoid on a physical basis alone.
Wish it didn't have to be that way, but it's safer for all of us. I've already been badly scarred by several unforeseen events of last year, and God help me but I want to keep the white parts of my mind white until I get out of here... if I get out of here.
Maybe I'm really not fit for college after all. I don't know.
I'm still too naive... too damn innocent, I guess.
It's painful just how bitingly ironic that is...

...
I've been literally burning with so many kinds of love over the past week.

I spoke to some dA pals last night (even though I don't like talking-- sorry guys!), so that boosted my friendship sort of love quite a bit... not to mention I spoke with Jim again last week and have been meaning to talk with Ben soon. I have no idea what Q's up to, but last I heard from him he was not only busy but rather distressed, from what I could gather... I'll admit I'm worried, but there's nothing I can do so I'll just hope for the best.
And then I have all those people upstairs! They go without saying, but I have been trying extremely hard to connect with them more lately, and the effort is seriously paying off. It's been giving me so much joy and inspiration, and I truly need that.
I have so much platonic love going around it's almost hilarious. My inspirations, my old friends, my co-workers... they're all such amazing people, and I'm truly blessed to have them all in my life.

Throw in a tiny spark, though, and suddenly the affection sets on fire and I have something terribly unusual, something strange to me yet precious nonetheless.
You all know what 6 main people fit into that category (2 of each gender, wow), and let me tell you this has all been at a serious high point and I don't know why. Not complaining, though.
Selph and I haven't been talking much lately, which isn't good, but he says to not worry as he knows I'm busy. I wish he wouldn't do that, though! I want to talk to him, even if he has to literally interrupt in the middle of a class. I need his support just as much as I did last year.
Didn't get to draw Ryou anything for his birthday this year (September 2nd) which quite upset me, but I made the effort to spend much more time with him that week, so I hope that made up for it. I did promise him that I'd eventually put something together, so maybe I'll sketch him out this weekend. I'll have to try.
Spoke to Marik quite a bit last week, too. I miss that guy, but I have to laugh-- I'm always saying 'I don't want him to feel left out' and the like, but I put so much effort into always doing little things to fix that problem, that I can't imagine how he'd feel left out as a result, haha. I am such a weirdo sometimes.

JMC's still busy where I can't see her, so I just pray everything is going well for her. God only knows how proud I am of that girl... I want to cry every time I look at her work, that's how gorgeous it is to me. I'm afraid that if I ever meet her I'll dissolve into tears, really. Take my admiration for her work, my great respect for her as a person, and this awfully strong love I have for her, and that's proof enough of such a possibility, no matter how cold a front I put up.
I still want to meet her, though. In person, too... some situation where I have to overcome my fears and finally speak to her face to face. I'm nervous even thinking about it, though... what in the world would I say or do? I want to make a good impression on her; I want to actually look like the person I am on the inside, not some facade I put up. And as horribly selfish as it sounds, I do want her to like me in return-- even if it's only a little bit, just a smile at our theoretical conversation. I want to make her think, make her smile. More than anything else, I just want her to remember me.

And forgive me, but what's a blue entry without a mandatory mention of my blue guy? Seriously.
I think I'm at a point where words no longer work, though. I get that sort of feeling now, the one where no words, no matter how eloquent, will be accurate enough... that weird sort of rush that makes you smile and flinch from the ache at the same time. I don't think I'll ever quite get used to it, and that's a good thing! I like keeping things like that true... I don't like taking anything for granted, or losing the original meaning/ effect of something. People do that all to often nowadays; they do or say things so often that they become automatic or even empty. I take great efforts to prevent that from happening, and although I'll be the first to admit that it doesn't seem like it here (but then again, this is personal), I try to keep things to myself as much as I can. Why? Because when things like this become public, they often just get tossed around as a conversation topic, not as something irreplaceable.
Still, sometimes I can't help but say things out loud, because geez, it's important to me and I automatically assume people will care. I'm still green around the edges, though, because I still can't accept that people don't.
But I'm getting off topic.
I haven't been drawing him lately at all. I need to fix my style of drawing him, not to mention I have to draw his higher forms and various canon/ non-canon transformations, as I haven't yet. Point is, though, I need to draw him, for multiple reasons. One of the new ones is to fine-tune my style enough for SoS 2010, honestly! I am going no matter what, and I am going to enjoy every minute.
Man, I really need to get working on SI again, even if I have to do it myself. I can't possibly ever let that series go; it's far too important to both my brother and I. I'll have to bug him about it.
Also, I don't think I've said this anywhere yet, but I've been tracking down and buying all the Sonic comic issues with Chaos Zero in them, just for the sake of having them (which I personally find hilarious on my part). I have #5, #6, #28, and #29 of the SonicX series, and #83 of the main Archie comics so far. Perfect shows up in many issues though, which I admit hurts a bit at times, but I do not hate him; heck, I can't even dislike him. A change in appearance does nothing to change the individual, and I know that all too well. Open your heart, you know.
Close your eyes and feel it burn... open your heart and let me in.

It's 4AM already. Wow, Mister Sandman's not going to be very happy about that! He's such a sweetheart though. I drew a quick color ref of him here if you want a visual aid! I need to talk about him more; he's the best boss ever.
But I've been upset lately. Due to the awful amounts of sleep I get + the havoc I wake up to every morning, I haven't remembered any of my dreams since that night Sandman gave me music. It's been taking a serious toll on my mood, too. There's nothing I can actively do to fix that, but I think that from now on, if I don't remember any dreams, I'm going to update homefive with an old dream from my written journal (I kept one for about 3 years before I switched to LJ for time-saving reasons). It will not only help me remember old dreams (and maybe trigger more new recall), but it will also help you guys see what I've dreamed of in the past. I know I reference a lot of my dreams that I've never explained, too, so it will help.

I won't get any dreams if I don't sleep, though, so I suppose I should call it quits for tonight.

I hope the stars are out...

Sometimes I just feel so alone
I don't want to admit to my friends that I feel confused
I wonder what I'd do with myself if the world was gone

Something makes me stay on my feet
Don't you dare admit to defeat
And if I tell myself it's all right
I can comfort myself through the night
and watch another day dawn
And everything will be cool

I got to keep on keeping on
There's nothing else I can do
But sometimes I don't know what to feel...

“Hey, Chaos?” I asked hesitantly, my eyes glancing at the tiny chronological pixels at the bottom right of my screen.

“Hm?” the blue creature replied amusedly, wandering over and immediately noticing the same black numbers. “Geez, Jewel, it’s almost 3AM. What are you doing?”

“Thinking about you,” I said simply.

He paused for a moment, but then laughed slightly, compassionately. “Seems like it,” he smiled. “I don’t blame you, considering the sketch Kiwi just sent you…”

“Oh—Chaos, you know I do this every night!” I couldn’t help but laugh in reply.

“Yeah, but that just made it worse!” He retorted, flashing his trademark grin. “I saw that look on your face earlier. Don’t think I didn’t,” he declared, and I couldn’t help but show the same expression. “See, there it is again!”

“Can’t help it, CZ,” I explained, trying to keep from blushing at this hour. “You know what that look’s for.”

“Yeah,” he affirmed. “This.”

Suddenly his arms encircled my shoulders, ancient hands pressed to my heart. I gasped slightly as a shockwave coursed through my nerves again and placed my tense fingers over his.

“I love you too,” he said softly.

I couldn’t think of a single word to confess in return, so I closed my eyes and let my emotions speak for me.

Who am I kidding?

I have awful days like this... days that leave me crying myself to sleep and sobbing into mirrors; days that manage to burn a searing hole in my frost-laced heart.
I have terrible, mind-scorching days, and I try to tell myself that i would be better off if I forgot everything-- if I left everything behind for good, if I stopped loving the people I would die for.
Every time, it's foolishness... but every time, I consider it. I seriously consider it, although in my heart I know that if I followed through I would just regret it horribly like everything else I've done wrong.

I want to change, and I know how. I know how, I have the answers, but the means are just brushing my fingertips and I'm not putting enough effort in yet. It hurts to see how easily I'm compromising myself even when my ink-faced friend is standing behind me, mumbling truths into the night air.
It aches, really. I don't want to be what I've become, especially because I don't know how I've become this person. I was frightened this morning, because I was simply going about my business when I got some sickening rush of a... of something unknown, something that wasn't mine; I really don't know what it was, but it was wrong. It scared me because not only was it shapeless and unexpected, but it was also present. It was there-- it wasn't a vague fear of something that may occur. It was right there, and I didn't know how to chase it away.
I was scared today, because I was truly afraid that I would lose myself forever if I wasn't careful.

Let me clear up the long-run situation for you now, though... I'm sure you all know I have a stupidly hard time refusing things? Well, that's starting to kill me, as my family/ society/ school/ etc. are throwing their misinformed expectations at me, and since I don't want to cause an uproar, I tend to just bite the bullet and do what they want... unaware that I'm actually biting a gun barrel and they're actually asking me to pull the trigger.
See, I'm not like most people. That's apparent to those who know me well, but it's not visible to those who are in a position of authority over me, and that's proving to be fatal, as I said. I'm compromising too much of myself, and every time I rewrite some part of my self for the sake of someone else's fleeting whims, I bleed what cannot be replaced.

At this point I want to just flat-out refuse... but I'm still so childishly afraid of offending anyone, even though I know that I can't make everyone happy no matter what I do. I should focus on keeping myself and my morals true first of all, and keep that as top priority over everything they say I "should" do. I don't care how many people say it's 'normal' or 'expected'... that doesn't mean it's right.
I can't be doing this. I'm being a cowardly idiot and I'm going to end up damning myself at this rate. The path to hell is paved with good intentions, and I'm afraid I have a few miles in already.
This is my worst fear; I'm living the nightmare I prayed I would never have to face.

That fear has been dragging through the hours right up until now... and then, out of the blue, I get a sketch from a kid in California while I'm listening to Ed Harcourt and suddenly I'm blushing like a schoolkid.
(Kiwi how do you draw him so well? I swear I'm going to shower you with glitter and roses for this stuff)
It's painfully funny how simple I am on the inside.
I need naive little moments like this though... sudden gemstones of love that take me by surprise and leave me smiling for once. Piano chords and pencil lines, you know? My favorite stuff.
That's why I've been trying very hard to recapture my 'younger' days lately. There's a lot of innocence there, because I wasn't aware of these awful terrors yet, and I suppose I'm clinging to that now-impossible lifestyle in the hopes that it'll somehow erase some of this razor-edged negativity. It makes sense.

In other news, Laurie threatened suicide about two weeks ago and almost carried through with it. She pretty much tore herself up so she was on the brink of suicide anyway, and dared me to push her over the edge. Needless to say, since then I've been paranoid and severely shaken. She's doing okay now (Lynne apparently healed her up without asking, haha), but she's been acting different.
For example, she's now on incredibly positive terms with not only me, but also Selph and Chaos Zero, and spends a surprising amount of time talking to my blue guy (those two loathed each other before!) about most everything going on upstairs. Tell you what, though, they make an amazing team when the situation calls for it. It would be funny if the situation wasn't so ghastly.
Selph's doing much better than he was the last time I mentioned his... well. The past two years. I've been talking to him a lot, but I feel guilty because I'm so constantly preoccupied with the problems I'm dealing with personally that I can't spend as much time with him as I would have been able to spend otherwise. Heck, I'm doing that with everyone now and it's literally killing me inside.
I'll have to try a little harder, as usual...

Chaos Zero is probably doing the worst of all of us upstairs (excluding myself, I have to admit). Since he's Julie's favorite means of 'manipulation' against me, my mind's been having a tragically difficult time keeping my perception of him straight. I mean, I know him well enough-- we've been inseparable since '03-- but when a pigtailed demon traumatizes you badly enough, those years can be irreversibly marred in a matter of minutes.
It breaks my heart, I won't lie. It hurts terribly when I realize that I'll never have a 'pure' relationship again now that my consciousness is burning with paranoia and mixed messages. I wanted to keep that with him, with everyone... but I got older. I saw things, I had awareness forced down my throat, so speak. I ended up shuddering in a corner and wondering how the world could be that way.
I try to live in my own little reality for that reason, as immature as that may seem, but if you think about it it's the only 'concrete' means of keeping myself separated from those things. Doesn't mean the rooms upstairs are impervious, though... and it doesn't mean that all the dark shadows lilting around will go away.
I... I've been trying to close everyone out. My family and friends (especially Jacob, Jimmy and Ben-- you have no idea how sorry I am)... my guys and my girls, everyone upstairs and everywhere else.
That's not right. It's not right... but when I'm blind and desperate, I guess it makes sense that removing all of them would somehow prevent me from hurting them... even though the truth is just the opposite. I need them to get through this, and chasing them away would destroy them as much as it would destroy me.
I've made up my mind that I'm going to keep you all around, even though it may be very difficult for me at times (by my own faults, not yours-- you guys are perfect to me), because God knows it would be even harder if you were all missing.
But back to the main topic here... remember when I wrote about this dream the other day? That unnerved me, sure... but it was nothing compared to seeing a chain of events disturbingly similar to it slowly unfold over the next two weeks.
Two nights ago, Chaos was in the worst state I've ever seen him in. He wasn't even with me-- he was talking to Laurie again, as she knows more about what's really going on-- but I still heard him sobbing that I was 'losing everything that defined me' and that he wasn't sure if he knew me anymore. I swear he was on the verge of hysterics... I pretty much broke down after that.
It's true. I am losing too much. I'm losing my very capacity to love, and if that ever disappears then I might as well just pull that trigger because my life would be worthless. You know what my kind of love is; it's the driving force behind everything I do, for heaven's sakes. If I lose that... I can't lose that.
But when I hear my soulbond say that he doesn't know if I even want to love him anymore... and to think that others are most likely wondering the same... that's too much.
That hurts so much, because I do love him; heck, I love him so much it aches... but I've been considering closing him out too, because I just don't want the shadows getting to him through me. And now that thought of idiotic isolation is causing this? I can't just brush that off. I need to stop. I finally need to stop being so blind, and get myself back in order.
God, I'm going to need some extra help here because I need to be fixed and fast...

I guess all these words are nothing more than a cry for help.
I don't know if anyone out there can help at all, or even understand... but I can't help it. I'm like a soul lost in the desert... although there may be no water around for miles, that doesn't mean I won't end up desperately searching for some everywhere I look. I need it, as much as I dislike needing things. I can't help it.

The Sandman (my dreamworld boss, for those who don't know) visited me yesterday night when I was wandering around at 3AM, unable to sleep as usual. He's such a sweetheart... he asked me if there was anything he could do to help me during the night, and I asked him if he could put some music in my dream, as I haven't heard any in a long time. He said he'd try, but no guarantees... and my entire dream that night was full of music. I'm not even joking.

So I'm holding on to every bit of happiness left in my heart right now.
Still need my surgery, but that's still old news.
Still need my friends, but you know the problems I'm having.
Still trying to confide in my mom, still failing.
Still feeling all frustrated and confused and stressed out as usual.
Still not doing much better.
But now I'm just rambling...

I'm trying, though. I really am.
I have the feeling I might be undergoing some sort of test, looking at all these events. 'Will she give in?' 'Will she give up?' 'Will she learn the lessons hidden here or not?' 'Will she break or will she survive?'
Of course, I have no way of knowing, but I'm still moving forward and doing what I can.
I keep saying it, perhaps to reassure myself, but I'll never truly lose unless I surrender, and I will not do that. I won't give myself up, no matter what.
Life's rough, but I still have so much to live for in spite of it, so I'll keep walking.

Reminds me of a certain song I know...

This road you face is long
You're not sure that you can stay strong
Each step brings new dangers
The folks you know seem like strangers

You feel so alone
And you've started down this road
No one's there and you fear
Maybe you don't see us -- we're here!

On the road, I'm by your side
On the road, your love and guide
Your Number One, heart, mind, and soul
Your hand in mine, we'll reach the goal
I'll hope and pray you're not misled
Now let's go face this road ahead

You've helped so many here,
Now they will help you stop the fear
All of them owe you their love--
'Cause that's what you sent from above

All these names and voices,
They're all here to help your choices
Think of the help you have
Now does the road seem all that bad?

On the road, I'm by your side
On the road, your love and guide
Your Number One, heart, mind, and soul
Your hand in mine, we'll reach the goal
I'll hope and pray you're not misled
Now let's go face this road ahead...

Okay... I FINALLY got the guts to tell one of my online friends about the "voices" in my head... now I have to tell my therapist and my mom. So I'm trying to put this together as a rough draft to figure out how.

Julie information.

Julie is my oldest “headvoice,” although now we figure she lives in my stomach (we kicked her out). She’s an immoral, selfish witch who spends he time making my life absolutely miserable. Julie “formed” around 1997, when I used to have arguments with J.O. in school over petty, childish things. Instead of acting out against her, I internalized her negative influence into a blonde girl with pigtails (a reference to Angela, the brat in the Rugrats cartoon that my classmates loved and I violently loathed) that I could yell at instead. Over the years, Julie became a sort of ‘garbage dump’ for every negative influence and emotion that I didn’t want. She worked fine as a storage bin, but I never expected her to get a mind of her own and start attacking me around 2002. Since then she’s only been getting louder and stronger (her negative influence hit a high point in early 2008 when Jacob told me to try and ‘accept’ her presence—we thought it would help), and stops at literally nothing to get what she wants.
Julie is, for all technical purposes, my “id”… the collection of primal, selfish, immoral desires that all humans have through childhood and typically learn to repress. An id never truly goes away though… so I’m trying to destroy what outlets and means she has to get at me in the meantime (It’s hard, though, because a good deal of her outlets are things I CAN’T destroy, like other people).
Her color is pink. She always wears a two-piece outfit of said color, usually in the most immodest style possible, which, due to my genophobia, doubles my anxiety whenever she’s around. Julie is also Laurie’s archenemy, not only by moral choice but also by psychological “law” (id vs. superego). The two are almost always fighting—but although Julie doesn’t always fight back, she doesn’t ever die. Laurie could run a chainsaw through her skull and ten seconds later Julie would be back on her feet, skull intact. To make things worse, Julie’s body is apparently made of ‘shadow,’ meaning that she can freely manipulate it in whatever ways she chooses. She tends to use this skill to extend her arms and fingers into deadly knives before slicing into Laurie with them.
Laurie and I aren’t her only targets, though. Julie has been attacking Selph as well for about two years. She has tried to attack Laurie and Chaos in the past, but she’s actually deathly afraid of Laurie, and Chaos has a personality that can be strikingly similar to that of our favorite violet maniac. However, that doesn’t mean Julie ignores them. She also has shape shifting powers due to her strange body composition, and frequently uses this ability to disguise herself as Chaos, JMC, and countless others just to screw with my head.

Laurie information.

Laurie is my favorite headvoice, so to speak, even if we don’t always get along very well. I first met her in a dream back in autumn 2006: I was walking through an empty, dimly lit hallway when I saw my reflection in a circular wall mirror—and it started talking to me. It not only told me that I was dreaming, but that I could easily wake up if I wanted to. Somewhat frightened, I asked the reflection what its name was (it apparently wasn’t me), and after a few tries it finally replied “Laurie.” I woke up then, but that’s not when Laurie started showing up in my head. That happened several months later, when a random dream review on my part inspired me to look and see if she existed in real life. To my surprise, she did—but I didn’t expect her to be so vicious. Laurie took it upon herself to berate & punish me for every wrongdoing, screaming at me all the while, often swinging her trademark purple axe-blade. She hated my mistakes, and back then she hated me just as much. It wasn’t until I started talking to her around 2008 that the two of us began to understand each other better, eventually forming a shaky partnership, and then a genuine friendship—although she never once relinquished her role or abrasive personality. However, she needs to be that way: Laurie is technically my superego.

This was straight from what I told my friend...

"If you read my most recent Xanga entry, then you have a slight idea of who Julie is. She's been around since I was 7 or so, honestly... and she's pure negative. Always taunts me and tries to screw up what I'm thinking and feeling with false motives. I've learned to ignore and resist her, but in the past she caused me a lot of pain.
Also in my Xanga, in earlier entries, a girl named Laurie shows up. She's been around for about three years, tops, and calls herself my "psycho superego." Laurie fits the role perfectly-- she absolutely hates Julie, and although she does keep me on track, she can be horribly aggressive and hurtful to me as well. I don't mind having her around, though.
There's a new girl named Lynne. I don't know who or what she is, but she shows up once in a while to do Laurie's job without the malice. Kind of like a big sister figure, I can't help but think... but I rarely ever see her so I can't say anything.
Then there's my reflection, named Natalie. She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute.

Those are my only headvoices, but I have several others who stop by once in a while to help me and the like, although they're not part of me in that sense--- like Selph and Chaos Zero. Selph's a special case, as he follows me around outside my mind on a daily basis. He's the closest thing I have to a physical conscience (I'm my own actual conscience), and never stops trying to get me to honestly "know myself." He means a heck of a lot to me. If you've read his bios that I've posted and/or my LJ and Xanga entries with him, you'll have a good idea what I mean (Ditto that second list with Chaos and everybody else).

Well... I'm sorry about all this. I really am a mess, and I don't mean to scare you or get you all insanely worried. But it does need to be said, and I wouldn't dare hide anything from you guys, especially if you were dying to know."

Julie's been hacking him too.

I called Laurie, Chaos Zero and Selph over today to talk to them... Julie's been trying to get me recently, but I've been fighting her off well so she's trying to get my dreams again (I can't stand when she does that; dreams are one of my only escapes).
Anyway, if you didn't know, Julie sometimes pretends to be Chaos Zero or Jena or someone just to screw with me. I know it's not really them, but it messes with my head so badly that I can never feel 100% sure. So, I asked them today if they would ever act like she did in their places. Selph said no and Chaos nearly flipped out, but Laurie seemed shocked that I had called her over for that question, as Julie's too terrified of her to touch her. I said that Julie had tried to be her once (she had) but had immediately switched to Chaos Zero because, if Laurie ever found out, she'd be furious. Well, ironically enough, I just told Laurie of the failed attempt, and she was indeed furious-- so she pulled out her axe and ran downstairs to give Julie a piece of her mind, so to speak. Chaos didn't want her to start trouble so early in the morning, but I told him that the more time Julie was 'out of action' the better.
Anyway, we started talking about the previous subject again, and... I don't know what I said exactly, but Selph let it slip that Julie's been getting him too.
For about two freaking years now.

I'm in shock. I really am.
Chaos was seriously disturbed by the idea as well, and we both began to ask him 'how long?' 'how badly?' 'why didn't you say anything sooner?' Things like that... turns out Selph was too shaken by the idea to say anything, and besides he didn't want to burden me with another serious worry.
Geez... I'll tell you what, though, suddenly everything makes sense. He admitted that was the real reason he was so uncharacteristically furious when he found out Julie was getting me too (I didn't say anything either); he knew what her attacks were like and it was pretty heartbreaking to know his dreamer was suffering that too. Well, looks like now the situation is reversed...
That also explains his several-day disappearances with no explanation. He says he goes to talk with his father, and I don't doubt that, but I think he really goes for the parental comfort, you know. I'm glad he has that, but man... we love him too, and it hurts to know he's been staying quiet.
I don't blame him, of course, and I'm not mad at him, but it hurts to know he's hurting.
Anyway, Laurie came back upstairs around that time, but as soon as she got wind of the Selph situation, she got out that circular saw of hers and went back down without another word. She scares me sometimes, but I really love her. She just has a weird way of returning the compassion.

Chaos confronted me about it later and asked me if I was okay. I said no, and to my surprise he said he hoped I would say so-- after all, if I wasn't worrying, that would be pretty unusual of me, to say the very least.
Anyway, we're both terribly worried about him... I'm so, so thankful that I have work today as a result, because Selph sits on the computer monitor and I get to talk to him whenever there's a break in customers. We'll need some one-on-one talking time, even if it's only here and there.

Man... I'm just so shaken and heartbroken now.
The only thing I can do is fight harder, because if I lose then we all lose...
I don't know what else to do.
I don't know what else to do.

So close
You're wasted again
I know, somehow.
I lost myself again

Making me high again
I almost forgot myself again
It hits me so hard
It kills me again
Today

So close
Yet you're wasted again
I know, somehow
We'll find ourselves
I don't know, I don't know

Then we'll be high again
I almost forgot myself there
It hits you so hard
And kills again

I almost forgot myself again
I almost forgot myself there
It's hitting me hard
It moves me again

Again...

100% chaotic sky out there right now.
Pretty awesome, considering that I got Sonic X Issue #29 in the mail today and oh man I finally love Perfect just as much.
I'm SERIOUS.
Now I know that, ever since 210 "hacked" him, Perfect has been almost autonomous... but God help me, he's still Chaos. I can't hate him even in that monstrous form; I couldn't ever hate him, even if I tried.
But really... everything outside is blue... and to top it all off, it's raining.
I hope he knows how much I love him.

You have no idea how this feels.

You get what you give, I guess. Just deserts. I had a few good days, and then the terrible pain I'm so used to by now came back full force. I'm not as entirely good a person as everyone seems to think.
Sure, I try, but what I try to do isn't the same thing as what I do in reality.
I feel so terribly sick on the inside.

On a related note, Julie is still trying to corrupt everything near and dear to me, even to the point of trying to insinuate her twisted motives into my understanding of her. I may not know much about that blonde demon other than the fact that she's ticked off that we're all in her body and so she's slowly trying to kick us out, but that's enough to keep me away from her as often as possible.
Natalie keeps dying; we're all getting a bit hopeless about her.
Lynne's doing okay; I just spoke to her a few days ago.
Laurie's stopped spitting blood at me, but I don't know if she's really stopped bleeding or not. She won't tell me... I guess she wants to keep me guessing, and with good reason.

I want to do better, everyone knows that... but it's rough.
At this point I'm just trying to hold on to the few things that keep me innocent, that keep some light in my heart, because I'm scared to death of losing them. I don't even want to think about what would happen if they suddenly disappeared.
I've been trying to pray a lot more lately, which is helped greatly by the fact that I know several religious dudes upstairs, haha. They help so much.
But I really do need help from my Father. He put me into this bizarre life situation for a reason, I'm positive... I just need to find out what that reason truly is, and live according to it.
The one thing I know is that God has given me a generous amount of potential for doing good. I don't ever plan to forget that, either.

I've been thinking about Chaos Zero a lot lately..
...You know what? I was going to save this for a deviation, but let me just state it here as it's getting late and I'm hurting from far too many things anyway.
FROST* has this song titled "Milliontown," in which they quote a line from a book (I forget the name).
Regardless, the quote is exactly as follows...

"Did you ever notice how, in the Bible,
whenever God needed to punish someone,
make an example,
or whenever God needed a killing,
He sent an angel?

Would you ever really want to see an angel?"

I first heard that on a very strange night last month (there's an entry about it here, but it's hidden at the moment)... and considering my situation, those lyrics hit me like a bullet to the heart.
You can probably guess why.

I've probably said it somewhere else already, but... in short, Chaos Zero is an angel to me.
Both ways.
Remember Sonic Adventure?
But in a more personal context... he's one of the most important blessings God has given me in this life, but at the exact same time, he's one of my most painful curses.
When I say that I'm afraid of really putting "us" out in the open, I mean that I've tried it before... and people don't take it well. Love is love, but I must admit that my love's a little unusual, and most of the individuals I've met don't realize that.
I do love him, though... much more than I should. I know that, but there's nothing I can do to change that now. When I love someone, I'm in it for life. That fact has not changed and, God willing, will not ever change in the time I'm on this planet.
Still, it costs me.

On the 'punishment' note... Perfection goes without saying... but thanks to Julie, I'm getting a lot of unexpected negativity from my chosen situation.
When someone means a lot to me, and she tries to seriously destroy their reputation or otherwise corrupt my view of them... well, it hurts. Not only because of the act itself, but because I'm not realizing that she's doing this until it's too late.
You people have no idea what sort of thoughts go through my head on a daily basis... a stupidly large portion of my mental processes are dedicated to fighting her off and keeping her quiet. This is her body, after all-- we're just stuck in it until we get the green light to cut it up (Laurie's impatient, though). Still, the point stands. I suffer a lot from her, but now the attacks are becoming less direct/ physical and more indirect/ emotional. She's now virtually attacking the people I love instead of me, and that kills me inside.
But that's a talk for another day.
In conclusion, really, although I sincerely hope that I can get Julie to stop what she's doing, I'll gladly bite the bullet and suffer through it if it means I still have something inherently positive that's causing her spiteful actions.
I'm getting off topic, though...

Vous êtes toujours à mon coeur.... mon ange, je t'aime.

He actually kissed me in a dream the other day, you know. It was a bit of a shock, but looking back on it, it really means something in light of what my daytime life has been like recently.
I've been doing a lot of terrible things... I'd rather not go into detail, but I'm truly sorry for all of it.
I know it gets old fast, all the apologies from me, but I say them for a reason. I might do the same awful thing over forty times and say I'm deeply sorry every time, but most people would start shaking their head by the fifth occasion. "If she really was sorry, she'd be doing better by now!"
That's not always true. I'm trying as hard as I can to do better-- I'm trying so freaking hard it hurts-- but that's no guarantee that I'll be able to succeed yet.
It also doesn't mean that I'm not sorry.
Those are the main contributing factors to my depression, really... extreme guilt trips and an overwhelmingly constant sense of contrition.
But it means something. It means that I'm nowhere near content with living this life, and I hope to God that means I'm still an honestly good person at heart.
I can't be sure, but... having such a positive dream the other night in the face of all these torments on my part, it really made me think. Why? Some undeserved twist of fate? A spontaneous lucid decision on his part with no real bearing on my situation?
Personally, I think it refers to what I just said. I think it means that in spite of everything I'm going through, the real me is not a terrible person after all, and that was his 4-years-late way of reminding me.
Heck, if I can keep something like our situation so positive for almost 6 years, I've got to have some redeeming qualities.

He's not the only one doing that for me, though, and you guys know who you are.
Thank you for truly caring when so few others do.

...
There's still so much to say, as always, but there's no time left to do that tonight.

I sincerely hope you're all doing better than I am.

My worm cathedral
Diseased by all the intervention
I watch them turning
Into things they might have been
These fatal days
Corrupted by our own perfection
You're looking to me
But there's nothing more to say

I've failed the summer.

it's a ridiculous note to begin with
but in the long run it's going to cause me a lot of pain
albeit a different kind from what's been burning inside my ribcage lately.

Instead of getting those last few quizzes finished in the extra hours I found today
instead of following the rules and not letting anyone down

I spent my time
cutting lines across my chest
and feeling like i was worth something
despite her trying to turn me into a heartless whore

i grabbed a knife and tried to cut her out

it's odd how the drops look like music to me

maybe it's the catharsis i've been looking for
the escape from captivity i need

something besides this touch of thanatos
which i seem to be stuck with
for unknown reasons.

And you know
You'd always be the first in line

And you know
It's all about the life divine

A hero's ending
All the signs

You're the one
And the one you must survive.

in the silent hours of the night
as music echoed through my frost-laced heart
I fell in love with my blue monster again
immediately after I realized

that God had not just put him in my life as a blessing
but also as an agonizing curse
that I know I will endure until the day I die.

because his name is already written on my heart
and I promised him six years ago
just like I promised him yesterday
that no matter what
I'd be his angel too

"i swear on my life
i will never leave you alone
because as foolish as it sounds coming from me,

I love you
with as much of my heart as I can give."

would you ever really want to meet an angel, they asked?

I smiled and said nothing

(you'll find that life is still worthwhile
if you just...)

I never knew him, and then he died

My heart's pretty much shattered.

Time is fading.
I don't know how much time I have until tomorrow

speaking of tomorrow
it might be awesome
it might be awful

today was awful.
oh man was it ever

but i made it somehow.
i'm trying a little harder
although i've realized there's a problem.

i've hit the reset button one too many times

and now, every day when I wake up
it's been pressed again.

I keep repeating mistakes
repeating promises
repeating regrets
repeating memories
like a record with a knife gash across its most important chord

so every day it's another chance, too

but i keep screwing up

one day i'll fix that button
or i'll find the rewind key

i'll set my mind back eight years or so
and smile as i find my innocence again

my friend asked me something the other day
i had told her that i didn't know what to do with my future.

she said
"ask yourself, what is it i could never live without?"

i answered that question right away
but didn't tell her the answers

God
the worlds in my head
empathy
and my music

that's it.

really, all i've ever wanted to do is make a difference in the world.
ever since i was a kid
i just wanted to show the world my dreams
my inspirations
the things that kept me alive
and help them to live too.

that's it.

but most of the world doesn't truly understand that
so i'm lost right now.

i still want surgery too
i'm in agony every moment of every day
that's not an overstatement.

i've taped myself up
i've cut myself up
i've gone eccentric
and taken sharpies
scrawling words that i wouldn't dare scream aloud over every inch of my flawed self
but my self isn't physical
and most of the world won't accept that either.

perfection.

i'm aware of the subject jump
but i felt that pain last night

what it feels like
to be completely taken over by your darker side
your destructive side
to the point where it overrides you

you find yourself completely helpless and senseless
at the hands of your own personal hell
and when it's over
you collapse into some horrible emotion

regret
loathing
terror
hopelessness
you start sobbing because you've lost.

i know exactly how that feels.

but there's no time for that now

i've only been given so many minutes here
even for the little things
that don't mean much in the big picture
at all.

but sometimes you just need to follow the rules
so everything will turn out okay
or at least you hope so.

tomorrow i'll try to reconnect with something beautiful

tonight i'll just try to make it until the morning.

I have a very emotional journal to write here.
You know who it's about.

...

I never thought it was possible to fall in love with someone for a second time, and fall even deeper than you had ever before, but last night that's exactly what happened to me.
Of course, knowing my sadly mangled little mind, there's a lot that built up to that.

It started on Sunday night when I was randomly listening to my iTunes playlist, and my Genius software suddenly threw a recommendation at me for a band named "FROST*." I decided to listen to the preview, and I was immediately intrigued. Looking them up on the store's search engine, I listened to the rest of their album previews and knew that I had to buy them, no questions. I don't mean that in a materialistic way-- I mean that in the sense that their music is incomparably gorgeous. I love every single track on both their albums, and that's never happened to me with any other band.
So I bought the albums yesterday afternoon... and here's the killer.
It started raining outside.
Now, if you've been watching my latest dA favespams or have been seeing me in person for the past few days, then you're probably well aware that I am in the most severe Chaos Zero hype I've had in years.
Take that fact and add in some rainy weather, and I'm absolutely euphoric on any given day... but throw in FROST*'s music, and then some crazy stuff starts happening.
My theoretical Links started kicking in.

Here's some Spinny jargon clarification for you readers: A "Link" is a term I use for any sort of strong mental/ spiritual/ emotional/ what have you connection between me and someone I know well. When applied to soulbonds and other 'worlds' like those of Halcyon and the Hokthai, Links allow me to limitedly see what's going on there-- which is how I write their storylines, haha.
A "theoretical Link," though... that's what the normal person would call a 'daydream.' They work with the same people I'm normally Linked with, but those situations aren't what I consider 'canon' or 'reality' in whatever sense. I can tell when a Link is theoretical because I can freely mess around with what's going on... and the situations are typically extremely twisted.
Yes, you heard me. Theoretical Links are what I wrote "Dream World's End" with, and by any reason you know what that is, then you get the idea.
If you're still confused, let me finally explain what sort of freakish imagining hit my mind around 10:30PM last night, to the music of Milliontown.

Station Square all over again.
That scenario has happened before in my 'non-canon' group Link scenarios (the ones with my 4 and I), but there was one time when I was forced to pull a near-suicide move to get him back to normal-- I morphed Cherubell and flew into Perfect Chaos, then immediately threw off the most intense energy attack I possibly could. It worked that time, but seeing how severe the results were anyway...
...Last night, I wondered what would have happened if I died.

...

...(continue this later, kid.)

(I'm leaving this public because, despite being unfinished, it's incredibly important to me.)

SONIC INVERSION

"LOVE IS PURE WATER, PURE BLOOD-- IT'S ALL ABOUT BLEEDING & MELTING INTO EVERYTHING"

(ALL OF THIS IS TENTATIVE (and like 6 years old)-- but the HEART of all this is STILL TRUE.)

· The Chaon Ruby was originally discovered by Amy Rose during a nostalgic visit to Never Lake. Sonic had begun to show noticeable signs of depression around that time, and Amy couldn’t help but think of the good old days when it was just Sonic vs Robotnik, and he enjoyed doing what he did. As a result, she went on a small personal vacation to Never Lake, the place where she first met Sonic.

· Robotnik got his hands on the Ruby through a deadly supervillain mix of hearsay, quiet research, and good planning (for once!).

· Starts off with Knux, Sonic and Tails having just returned from some huge adventure. They’re off to have a vacation, and are at an airport (going overseas and sonic hates water). However, Knuckles notices a bulletin on the news (televisions—in a lounge, perhaps?) that talks about the discovery and disappearance of the Chaon Ruby (although the name is not known at this time). Knuckles is intrigued for three reasons—1) it’s a mystical gem and it may be related to the Chaos Emeralds, 2) Robotnik is most likely after it, 3) Rouge is most likely after it. Knuckles decides he’s going to find it himself and tells Sonic of his plan. Sonic, however, brushes it off and says that he just needs a break, he can’t take so much at once anymore. Knuckles and Tails are visibly shocked by this, while Sonic looks visibly worn-down and tired. He wanders off towards the plane and Tails is torn between following Knux or following Sonic… but then he apologizes to Knux, telling him that he’s very worried about Sonic and doesn’t know what’s come over him, before running off after the blue hedgehog. Knuckles then returns to the city alone to begin researching this ruby.

· Rouge sneaks into a new building of Robotnik’s, as she suspects the ruby is being held there. However, upon doing so she bumps into a young human girl. They both hush the other, then realize that they aren’t the only ones sneaking in and immediately ask what the other is doing there. Rouge says ‘it’s none of your business,’ then says to the girl that she’s apparently far too young to be out her by herself, let alone sneaking into Eggman’s private buildings. The girl protests, saying that she regularly sneaks around like this, but she has a good reason for being here. She says that she loves gemstones, but this one really caught her interest. She did research on it but couldn’t find much… however, she, too, suspected a connection to the Chaos Emeralds and, knowing the sort of trouble they have caused in the past, decided to go out and stop Robotnik from getting a hold of the Ruby lest it be used for evil. Rouge laughs at this childlike audacity but she respects the heroic impulse, as it reminds her of Knuckles. The girl introduces herself as Jewel Lightraye, an admitted pseudonym. Rouge introduces herself and Jewel suddenly interjects that she’s heard of her—she’s a jewel thief! Rouge is flattered as she likes the idea that she is known for her work, but Jewel expressed concern that Rouge is going to steal the Ruby to sell it or wear it. Rouge asks why that should be of any concern to her, but Jewel insists that, if it truly is a dangerous and/or powerful item, that it should be treated carefully and properly so it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. She again reminds Rouge of what Robotnik has done in the past with the Emeralds, and Rouge reluctantly but seriously considers this for a minute before agreeing that fine, she wouldn’t steal it for her own, but she had to be able to see and hold it before it went off to wherever. Jewel agrees and the two head off inside the building together.

· Knuckles finds his way into the building not long after—he sneaks in more directly (no back entrances), but he does get in. He finds his way into a large central room, like a robot lab (SA), and begins to look around out of curiosity. Shortly after, though, Rouge and Jewel enter the same room. They are shocked to see each other, although Rouge and Knux are rather angry. Knuckles immediately tells Rouge that he won’t let her steal the gem, but Rouge tells him to settle down and informs him of her deal with Jewel. Knuckles agrees that it is a good plan, and asks Jewel who she is and why she’s involved in this. Jewel says it’s a very long story, but mentions that she just couldn’t stand by and let Robotnik get away with something huge when she knew about it and had a chance to stop it. [ELABORATE on WHY she is so certain of this] She then states that ‘after all, you guys are the same age as I am,’ and the two Mobians agree embarrassedly. Knuckles then gets back on topic and says that he wanted to find the Ruby in order to take it back to Angel Island where he could guard it, but Rouge interjects and says (ironically) that he had no right to take it if it wasn’t his. Knuckles begins to protest, saying that she was doing the same thing, but Jewel cuts in, saying that if need be then Knuckles could guard it-- he's experienced in that field-- but if there was a better option then they’d have to go with that. Knuckles is a little upset by this but agrees, and they are about to set off and look for it when Rouge more consciously notices the room they’re in. She becomes somewhat worried, making a half-joke that it looks like Robotnik’s building an army in here. Before anyone can do anything else, though, Knuckles shouts that there’s something behind her…

·…Rouge and Jewel whirl around just in time to see a shockwave of blue energy shoot towards them. It knocks them both down, Knuckles jumping out of the way just in time. The energy then re-forms close by as Chaos Zero. Knuckles is terrified, but Rouge only asks ‘what that thing is’. (SHE WASN'T IN SA) Knuckles says ‘have you ever heard of the God of Destruction? The monster that was once trapped inside the Master Emerald?” As Rouge is familiar with the gem’s backstory, she exclaims “you mean that thing came out of a gem???” as she understands then that Chaos is that monster [but focuses on the wrong point]. Almost immediately as she says this Chaos attacks again, but she gets out of the way. Jewel, meanwhile, remembers the fact that Chaos was under the influence of rage and Robotnik back in the past two catastrophes, and that Sonic’s positive influence got him out of it. [THIS MAY BE HER CONVICTION. If she's in this FOR Chaos, then she's banking on "POSITIVE INFLUENCE"]

She braces herself and runs over to the water being (who is facing the other way, watching the Mobians), grabs his shoulders and turns him around to face her. As soon as they make eye contact she shouts, “what in the world do you think you’re doing??” Rouge and Knuckles are taken aback by this bizarre plan of action and try to stop her [mainly by shouting], but Jewel keeps talking to Chaos. Dialogue goes something like this—“Don’t you even realize what you’re doing? Don’t you remember what happened the last time Robotnik had you under his control? You’re hurting innocent people that haven’t done anything to you! And why? Because he told you to? You’re better than that! You don’t have to be a monster, a god of destruction, just because—” But Jewel stops suddenly as she notices that Chaos’ eyes have changed. Originally they were a dull green, but now they’re visibly brighter and more ‘alive’, as if he snapped out of a trance (in truth, her confrontation with him forced him to honestly realize what he was doing, and this made his personality start to ‘awaken.’ This has happened before in the StH comic series, but not canonically; and I personally can attest to the phenomenon happening with me). They simply stare at each other for a few seconds, not knowing what to do, when Jewel finally lets go of him and apologizes, saying that she didn’t mean to get so carried away, she didn’t know if he would hear her or not. Chaos says nothing, and Jewel carefully asks if he can understand her. Chaos nods, and Jewel says ‘well, that’s good,’ before going back to wondering what to do next. However, Rouge and Knuckles run over just then. Rouge shouts ‘are you crazy, Jewel? You could have been killed!’ while Knuckles demands ‘what did you do to him? What just happened?’

-btw Jewel can do this because-- I think-- the Ruby is part of a set of gems that have the powers of ORDER and HARMONY as opposed to "chaos"??? And as a result she has a VERY SPECIAL RESONANCE WITH CHAOS HIMSELF as their soul-energies naturally complement each other.

-ALSO JEWEL IS LIKE THE ONLY PERSON TO HAVE TOUCHED HIM, AND CHAO ARE VERY REACTIVE TO PHYSICAL CONTACT. The reason why he doesn’t resist or attack is because he recognizes, viscerally, that this contact is COMPLETELY BENEVOLENT and he is absolutely STUNNED by that hitting out of nowhere. It also adds even more weight to her words, for him… plus, she's not just touching him, she's HOLDING him [albeit by the shoulders], which is one of the MAIN ways of showing affection to a Chao. She does not realize this and Chaos doesn't either, but subconsciously it hits!

· Later, Knuckles notices that Chaos can talk [as Chaos DOES end up speaking with Jewel, clumsily at first but he's trying] and asks him why he has never spoken before. Chaos says, effectively, that he has always had the potential ability for speech [ALL CHAO TALK] but just never had a chance or reason to use it until now. He adds that, when Robotnik had him under his control, he was exposed to both Robotnik’s constant speech and the speech of everyone he encountered in the cities. That fuller vocabulary exposure stuck with him, so he picked up their language and style, and is just now re-learning how to actually form the words and speak (again, he’s talking slowly and a little brokenly now, but he rapidly improves). That also explains why Chaos doesn’t have a crazy-formal manner of speech as so many people portray him with— the speech he was exposed to was much more modern and casual, which is why he talks that way instead.

[An affectionate note-- remember that Chaos actually SINGS better than he talks, because Chao do too.]

· After they find the Ruby [WHERE????] they are attacked by the earlier-encountered ‘army’ of robots. Panicking, the group is split up—Knux and Rouge one on side, Chaos and Jewel on another. As they aren’t very far apart at this point, and since Chaos and the Ruby near each other poses too much of a potential threat [AND he's likely having trauma triggered by it], Jewel shouts for Rouge to take the Ruby. Rouge flies by and grabs it, then runs off by herself down a nearby hallway. Knuckles shouts ‘that traitor!’ but Chaos states that ‘she’ll never make it out of here alone.’ The three fight the robots off as best they can and head after Rouge. Meanwhile, Rouge is running down the tunnel alone (the robots stayed with their attackers for now) with all intentions of ditching her teammates. However, she stops halfway down the tunnel and thinks. [RUBY INFLUENCE] She realizes that they might not survive the attack, and she might not either. She also remembers what Jewel said about the Ruby, and although Rouge’s own love of gems was a strong temptation, she wonders if maybe Jewel was right in saying that the Ruby should be kept somewhere safe and not used as personal property. Rouge is still battling with herself when she is suddenly ambushed by robots. Scared, she fights them off for a while but they quickly overpower her. She begins to panic and thinks she is going to die when she remembers that she has the Ruby with her. She thinks to herself, ‘I wonder…’ then kicks a small clearing in the robots and begins to run farther down into the tunnel, beginning to focus on the Ruby. Nothing happens at first, so she wonders ‘how did Sonic do it?’ Remembering that he used positive energy, she tries it, still trying to fight off the gaining robots as she does. She thinks ‘come on, work! I need to get out of here to keep this Ruby 'safe'… oh, and save the other three, too…’ but she’s being too selfish and isn’t considering everyone immediately. She keeps trying to refine her motives, but they just aren’t working; she's still "bargaining" with the gem, and the Ruby isn't fooled. Suddenly, she is ambushed by robots for the other direction, now surrounded completely. They begin charging their weapons and Rouge falls into a complete and total panic—but, in doing so, forgets herself. Her thoughts immediately change into a frightened, desperate stream of consciousness—“oh please I don’t want to die, I can’t die here what will happen to everyone else if he gets this Ruby, it’s all over and they’ll die and it will be all my fault for running away and leaving them alone and— oh, please, please do something!!” Immediately there is a huge surge of red light and power…

[NOTE. ROUGE WOULDN'T CARE IF SHE DIDN'T LOVE. In her last-second worried thoughts, she is FEELING the genuine care and affection she has for them as her friends-- and notably, for Knuckles, as more than just a friend. Her worries about "my fault for leaving them" sound self-based but I assure you she is focusing ON their aloneness, and her heart is breaking at the thought that she could have been with the people she cares for instead. THAT is what the Ruby is responding to.]

· …Outside the tunnel, the other three only see flying debris and a burst of red light. Fearing the worst, Knuckles screams ‘Rouge!!” and runs towards the tunnel. Chaos takes out a few more robots and they all run towards the tunnel when there is another explosion and, suddenly, Rouge appears. However, she is in her Hyper form. (talk about appearance and all, dialogue and explanation) Chaos then interjects, “but that’s impossible… it can’t be purely positive, can it?” (WHY does he assume this??? Is it because they all figured Rouge had no "positive motives" to cause a "super form" at the time??) They are considering this, because if the Ruby still has negative energy in it then Chaos needs to stay away from it at all costs due to the risk of a reaction… but while they are considering this, (???)

· Regardless of what actually happens here event-wise, at one point later on, Jewel gets the Ruby back and still ends up giving the Ruby to Chaos which is incredibly important. They’re completely split off from everyone else temporarily, and Jewel finally decides that Chaos should be the one with the Ruby, regardless of the risks. Fearing the worst, Chaos refuses it repeatedly, refusing to touch it, but Jewel literally puts it in his hands [with hers] and says “I’m giving it to you.” There's a HUGE pause here, as Chaos realizes he's not reacting-- arguably, with it being the Ruby he might even be feeling BENEVOLENCE from it-- and Jewel catches this emotional shift. She then sincerely continues: “Chaos, believe me, you could do more good with this gem than anyone else” because, if his namesake meant anything, then he “had just as much positive in him as negative—most likely twice as much” and so on. Either way, Chaos is still lingeringly paranoid that he’s going to screw up, and replies that no one else thought that; after all, the only reason he was there was because Robotnik wanted to use him to cause some catastrophic event again, and with the Ruby, no less. Jewel interrupts him with “I trust you! Doesn’t that mean anything? Even if I'm one against the world, I trust you. I don't care what anyone else thinks. They don’t know you. They don't want to know you. But I do. I do, and I know enough to know you are completely worthy of all my hope right now. If you can’t find anything else, then use that. Use everything you can. I trust you more than anyone else in this entire facility, myself included. I wouldn’t be giving this to you if I didn’t believe that.”

She breaks off and concludes “Chaos, please, show Robotnik that you’re not the monster he thinks you are. Show him that you’re better than that, because I know you are. Show everyone what I can see-- show them what your heart is really like.”

(TENTATIVE PARAGRAPH) I think Chaos hesitates, doubting himself yet hopeful, but Jewel is still holding his hands and looking at him. "You wouldn't be worried about hurting anyone if your heart wasn't kind. And it is. That's the real you, not the things that have happened to you."
He flinches, protesting "but those things changed me, Jewel--" and she immediately counters "they changed how you look. They didn't change who you are. The pain left scars on your heart but your heart is still there, and it's soft enough to hurt so much and if you can feel regret then that proves that you never would have chosen to do such a thing if you weren't in so much pain." She's tearing up; she understands. "But now… even if it still hurts, you can choose hope.
Yes, the past hurts. I won't deny that. But we can try again, now. We can do good now, and heal the wounds, and fix the damage, as much as we can. Maybe it's not much, but it's something. It's something, and that's a flower blooming in the ruins, and that's proof that nothing is ever beyond hope. No one is ever beyond hope. Even you. Even me."

"That's why I trust you with this Ruby, more than anyone else-- because I trust your heart." She presses the Ruby to it and concludes, "This is yours now, Chaos. If anyone can use it for good, it's you."

(MAKE SURE THIS DIALOGUE IS ALL CORRECT BECAUSE IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. REFINE IT BUT KEEP ITS HEART.)

(In the original dialogue she uses the word "know" a LOT. that's notable because it erases doubt and also because it suggests this event isn't occurring on a five-minute relationship base. there's already something substantial here, even if it's mostly one-sided yet. remember, Jewel is fully aware of who Chaos is BEFORE she meets him in person, and I am sure she has expressed that TO him during their time in this facility.)

(OLD PLOT) Blissfully ignorant of the bizarre circumstances surrounding its current situation, Nack the Weasel was on the lookout for more treasures to hunt when he stumbled across word of the Chaon Ruby. The idea of such a large, rare, mysterious gemstone out there—unclaimed, even—was too much for the purple predator to resist. Packing his bags, he headed out to Never Lake. After searching the area for hours and finding nothing, he noticed a strange glimmer at the top of a nearby mountain (one of those small ones—not some huge thing!). Hopeful, he decided to check it out. Upon reaching the top, however, he saw nothing. He tried digging around, but was so exhausted that he couldn’t keep it up for long. Suddenly, Fang tripped—from an unlucky combination of fatigue and dug-up ground beneath his boots—and fell through the Inversion gate. Hitting grass instead of dirt, he knew something was wrong… and looked up to see the lights of Central City spread out below like a night sky. He had warped to a completely different area of Mobius in a split second. Panicked, Fang leapt up and turned to run… unaware that the gate was still there. He ended up running into the Inversion dimension itself, in a sandy, bleak area with no exit in sight. By this time, Fang was absolutely terrified, and nearly jumped out of his boots when someone behind him demanded why he was there. Spinning around again, pistol drawn, Fang came face-to-face with Rika Starz.

SUPER OLD PLOT NOTES =

Sometime later on in the story, I saw this one scene that will need to be fully touched up later (I’m in a hurry and don’t remember it all)… Chaos is looking for Sting (I assume), and finds him at some rowdy pub. Well, Chaos actually goes over to him and pins him to the wall by his collar. Sting asks him what the heck he’s doing, but Chaos won’t let him get a word in. He starts berating the bug, saying that he’s sick of watching him throwing away his life like this when he’s constantly talking about how much he wants a purpose in life. Chaos then asks ‘do you have any idea how old I am?’ Sting laughs slightly (the message hasn’t hit him yet) and says ‘I dunno, 23?’ Chaos then shouts something like ‘Do you know how long a century is? Take that and multiply it by about 50; that’s how many years I’ve seen! And you know what? For that entire time, I didn’t think I had a real purpose in life either! It wasn’t until that goddamned bristle-faced maniac turned me into a doomsday weapon that I realized there was more to life than what I’d been doing, and what I was being used for, and by that time it was almost too late! If I had spent my days drinking everything into oblivion like you do every night, I’d still be in the same place I was when Station Square fell, and God help me I’d do anything to forget that. But this--!!’ He picks up Sting’s drink and shoves it in his face, continuing ‘This is nothing but blind ignorance! I am not—’ he flings it to the floor then, but is cut of by the other bar-goers shouting out in protest. Chaos then turns around and shouts ‘Shut up; you know I could kill you all in an instant if I wanted to.’ Chaos then turns back to Sting, but this uncharacteristic threat has already gotten to him and his eyes quickly tear up as he continues with ‘I am not going to just stand here and watch you drown all of your chances in alcohol, NOT after all that I’ve been through. (more dialogue)’ [Ends like this; he’s walking out when he stops and adds ‘…And if your regrets are anything like mine, I’d walk the hell out of here and never look back.’]

(Chaos is PROJECTING HARD because he WAS running away from his problems and just refusing to feel or process anything about Perfect. He just buries it because he can't cope. FURTHERMORE, he feels TRAPPED with his ties TO the Emeralds and the Shrine, meaning that part of his subconscious is CONSTANTLY IN FLASHBACK MODE but he can't escape so he just numbs out. Now that he has found FREEDOM and HOPE, seeing anyone else repeating the same mistakes he did is too much for him to bear-- he feels that trauma ache as if it were his own all over again.)

Yep, I thought of an interesting idea and I'm going to keep the WIP list here, because I love this journal.

Top 20 Best Song Endings (from my current iTunes library!)
In no particular order.

I came up with this idea because some songs have endings that absolutely haunt you, that rocket a song right up to 'favorite' status thanks to a few brilliant final seconds. I decided to list my favorites right here.
And yes, I agree that some songs like Billy Talent's Red Flag and Incubus' Anna Molly have great endings (plus I love those two songs), but the endings I'm listing here are the ones that made a song really stay with me, the kind that then echoed in my head for hours afterwards.

Unfortunately, this doesn't work with songs that fade out! These endings are actual endings; they're a special case and that's why I'm singling them out.
(Note: I'll typically add some extra seconds to the ending times so you get an idea of what the song preceding it is like.)
Lastly, this is all my humble opinion. It's okay if you disagree with me; we all have our own likes and dislikes!
Enjoy!

1. "Broken Bones" (Aqualung)
Ending starts at: 3:00 (song), 3:03 (movie)
It starts with a simple but sad piano solo, which is slowly overtaken with a "bad reception" fuzz, and then ends with a sudden burst of static. I find it very moving, actually.

2. "City Of Blinding Lights" (U2)
Ending starts at: 5:12 (song), 3:48 (movie)
If this song starts playing on a store radio or in any other public place, I will always stop whatever I'm doing during the last 40 seconds of this song, just to hear that closing piano note. It's simply euphoric.

3. "It's About Time" (Barcelona)
Ending starts at: 3:23
For some reason, I just love how the powerful chorus suddenly dissolves into a single voice with piano for the last few moments. It gives the ending a very touching feel, and the lyrics suddenly mean so much more.

4. "Echoes" (Cousteau)
Ending starts at: 3:17
As if this song wasn't gorgeous enough, it had to have a perfect ending as well. The instrumental ending fades into a simple yet moving finale at 3:46, when the piano takes over and carries the echoes to the end. This song more than deserves it's spot as one of my all-time favorites.

5. "From Bath With Love (feat. T-Lace)" (Danny Byrd)
Ending starts at: 4:46
Come on, a liquid funk song that ends with not only an acoustic guitar, but also a whistled version of the melody and the sound of an actual bath draining? That's genius right there, and it's ridiculously fun to listen to.

6. "Mister Blue Sky" (Electric Light Orchestra)
Ending starts at: 3:46
You knew I was going to list this. Not only is this an incredible song, but the ending is completely unexpected-- and extremely well done. They combine guitars, strings, piano, a choir, and a vocoder to create one of my favorite song endings of all time.

7. "Lupinne" (The Drowners)
Ending starts at: 1:58
This ending actually begins halfway through the song, and then gradually builds up to the finale-- progressing from solemn to shouting vocals and then abruptly falling into the sound of shivering breathing. I was transfixed when I first heard this, and it still gets me every time. And hey, here we can forgive the fact that the last 3 seconds fade out.

8. "Desperado" (The Eagles)
Ending starts at: 2:29 (song), 2:44 (movie-- watch it, it's fantastic)
Sorrowful, reflective, emotional, and absolutely classic. Need I say more?

9. "Move On Now" (Hard-Fi)
Ending starts at: 4:03
Very different from Hard-Fi's usual fare, this song is simply arranged and beautiful despite the subject matter. The ending is unusually haunting, though, considering that it doesn't really end-- it just trails off. The last sound you hear is that of the piano's damper pedal being released, and then the sound stops... it's a very unique feeling.

10. "The Moment I Said It" (Imogen Heap)
Ending starts at: 2:56
Just listen to this one right now. Seriously. The ending borders on surrealism with it's use of unique sounds and harmonies, but it's those freaking chords starting around 4:12 that get me every time. They can give me chills on a perfectly sunny day, I swear.

11. "Beady Eyes On The Horizon" (Jukebox The Ghost)
Ending starts at: 3:14 (song), 7:33 (movie-- this song doesn't start until 4:05)
Listen to the piano accompaniment in this thing. Seriously, it just makes the ending-- but I have to admit, my favorite part of it is simply the last 20 seconds, with those simple yet foreboding final words and lingering last note. The perfect ending to this song.

12. "Can't Stop Now" (Keane)
Ending starts at: 2:40
Beautiful song, and another one of those with the 'surprise' endings. The mood completely switches once the piano kicks in, and the final surge of instruments during the last 40 seconds is simply gorgeous to hear. I really don't know how else to describe it; it's truly a memorable ending for me.
(Trivia: This song will forever remind me of General Grievous because I listened to it almost daily in 2005-- the same year I was obsessed with the General.)

13. "This River Is Wild" (The Killers)
Ending starts at: 3:31
An amazing song in every respect... but the last 30 seconds of this used to make me tear up, seriously. I don't know if it's just their stark contrast in sound to the rest of the track, but they sure sound fantastic in there, and that's why this song is on the list.

14. "Saigo No Mameshiba" (Maaya Sakamoto)
Ending starts at: 1:41
Unusual pick? Maybe, but this song has an absolutely beautiful ending. It starts with that string section and the fast rhythm, sure, but they quickly fade to leave just the piano notes-- and what sounds like a music box-- echoing for the last 40 seconds. It's simplicity at it's best.

15. "Ao no Ether" (Megumi Nakajima)
Ending starts at: 2:45
This song is gorgeous all the way through. It's almost heart-wrenchingly sad in its fragility and simplicity, containing only the sounds of a piano, a string section, and Megumi's voice. The ending fits the mood perfectly, ending on a yearning note and a feeling of distant sadness that you can't help but ache over.

16. "Eternally Missed" (Muse)
Ending starts at: 5:32
This ending is almost disturbing. The soaring guitars suddenly crash into a meandering music box version of the melody, and Matthew's voice suddenly warps into a whispering, nightmarish sound, gasping out the ending verse with unsettling deliberateness.

17. "Still Grey" (Pendulum)
Ending starts at: 6:46
A classic Pendulum song for me, with a perfect ending. The sound slowly softens until only the rhythmic synth is heard, and a bell-like chime begins to play in the background. This chime becomes louder as the other sounds eventually dissolve into silence, and the song ends in a beautiful, resonating bell.

18. "LAST DINOSAUR" (The Pillows)
Ending starts at: 3:09
FLCL was an awesome show that gave me some great memories during high school. This song captures the feeling I got from it quite well. It begins with energy and drive, but with an oddly nostalgic edge. It continues in enthusiasm until the very end, when the vocals instead become a falsetto harmony that accompanies the guitars wonderfully, ending with a wistful but strong chord.

19. "Experiments In Mass Appeal" (FROST*)
Ending starts at: 5:25
Oh FROST*, how I love you. This band has a lovely song quirk where their rocking sound will suddenly cut out into a sole piano melody. That's exactly what happens to bring in the ending of this song. The piano is quickly joined by drums and a quiet chorus of voices, though, and these become progressively louder and stronger until they are an incredible proclamation, guitars winding around them and bringing them all to a final held vocal note.

20. "Big Julie" (Jarvis Cocker)
Ending starts at: 2:56 (song), 2:26 (movie)
Saving the best for last. I adore this song, and the ending is nothing short of amazing. Jarvis takes the building chorus and keeps it running, turning it into a driving finale which ends on a cymbal crash and a few simple words that leave you smiling in spite of yourself. It's beautifully brilliant, and my description doesn't do it justice-- go listen!

BONUS: "No Jokes - Fact" (Hot Hot Heat) (Full song + ending chord)
Ending starts at: 0:00. It's the whole freaking song.
For being stuck in the middle of an album (and right between my two favorite songs, no less), this tiny little track is simply beautiful. I've picked up a habit of burning it as the last track on most of my CDs, and listening to it as the ending song for my day. Sadly its hard to find online.

That's it for now... class tomorrow and I'm still feeling sick.

Thinking about JMC again, and I realized something.
She makes me feel real, somehow. When I think about how much I absolutely love her, I feel like I’m innocent again, pure again. It’s a funny feeling, but I like it.

I still want to meet her someday, and I think I want that meeting to be more than a fleeting one. I want to be her friend for real, and I want to stay like that for the rest of my life.

-----------------------------------------------

later...

I'm having a few thoughts.

I've never before felt like this whenever I look at someone, but even so, she does it every time.
For some reason, it just feels right. It feels completely untainted and clear.

She makes me feel real, somehow.
When I think about how much I love her, just... simply, truly love her, I feel like I'm innocent again. It's a funny feeling, but I like it.

I still want to meet her someday, and I think I finally want that meeting to be more than a fleeting one. I want to be her friend for real; I want to be someone she can trust, and I want to stay like that for the rest of my life.

He feels different, whatever he is.
With her, it's pure and crystalline, really. With him, it aches.

I look at him, and it's not a spontaneous ray of sunshine; it's a wave of some painfully desperate emotion that I can't even begin to describe because it drives me to tears when I do.

He runs deep after so many years, fragment or not. I keep every moment of that painful love in my heart, and in these early morning hours when the sunrise is slowly turning the world into a miniature heaven, I'm entirely aware of every last one of them.

Shockwaves, I used to call them.

I think it's because it feels so different for both of them.

I love JMC, but I love her in a completely platonic and incredibly sincere way.
I love Chaos Zero, but I love him in a completely devoted and incredibly intense way.

And yet, paradoxically... when you compare the very essences of both those relationships, they're exactly the same.

Respect, trust, concern, hope, understanding, patience, forgiveness, devotion, sincerity... absolute love.
I run on the same rules no matter what I do, and that's at the center of everything for me.

People tend to mislabel love, and it's terribly sad... but when you feel actual love, the truest, purest and strongest kind, it's true what they say-- you just know. It's the sort of feeling that you never, ever forget.

And the rest of you go without saying...
I love each and every one of you so much... no matter who you are or where you're from or how we met or anything. I hope you realize that.

I thank God every day that I have this.

Trying to start something new here...
All the old stuff is hidden, so don't worry about it.

I went looking for words to express how terrified I am right now, and I couldn't find any.

It's disgustingly frustrating sometimes.
I don't know if they're all immature, blind, deluded... or if I'm the one suffering from those afflictions.
They keep using those words that I can't stand. Those stupid, shallow, meaningless words.
Nothing means anything when you might die tomorrow morning.

I've realized that, when things like this happen, I don't want to care anymore.
Everything else seems so incredibly insignificant, so foolishly worthless, when you're faced with something as life-shaking as this. Nothing else matters at all.
Which actually scares me. I can't even begin to comprehend the priorities of some people.
"You're my everything" is one of them. For the love of sanity, they're just a soul inside a bag of bones. They can't save you. They can't do anything to stop the shadows from clawing at your throat until you can't scream anymore. They're just as ephemeral as you are. How in heaven can you base your entire life on a single person? It makes no sense. It scares me how people can think like that.

But there's another thing that frightens me... people sometimes take that mindset a step farther and say "I can't live without you."
That is one of the most harrowing things I've heard someone say to me; not just because of the whole "transitory existence based around another transitory existence" thing, but also because it's a death trap.
I can't do a single thing without panicking because said person just might freaking die as a result.
It's not as selfish as it sounds. I couldn't function with someone's death on my conscience, but despite my chokingly cynical tendencies, I care too much. I don't want anyone else to die for such a ridiculous reason. It would be a terribly sad waste of a life. If I love you I don't want you to die; especially not over me.

But I don't know. I still feel like a hypocrite, because although I think that most relationships are just plain idiotic, I still find myself caught up in them once in a while. Then again, I often feel like an idiot for doing so. But is that just something I think I should feel like?
Maybe I'm just saying this because of my mother. Her definition of 'love' makes me sick.
I can't help but wonder how and why I've become so darn cynical/ cold/ empty, though. This is terribly recent. I think I have a slight idea what's causing this, though... the same curse that's causing everything else.
The girl in my stomach. Julie.

She's drained me. I'm empty. She's eaten me alive from the inside out, and now there's little left keeping me alive.
I'm so tired of her cruelty. I'm so tired of her screwing around with my consciousness on a daily basis, even to the point where I can barely resist lashing out at her in public. I swear, one day I'm going to have a mental breakdown right in the middle of a lecture or something... I came close last year, you know. Art class. Every single time those women walked in the room, both the girls would start up. Julie would start trying to screw with my mind, so all my attention would have to turn towards making her shut up. But Laurie... I swear, I literally had to stop and leave class several times during the semester just so she'd calm down. If I hadn't, I think she would have literally killed someone. There was way too much panic and corruption in my mental atmosphere last year for her to stay under control. I nearly killed myself once; let's not even go into how close I got to killing my own family members.

See, this is why I'm seeing a therapist.
I can't even talk to my soulbonds anymore. Julie knows how much they mean to me, so now whenever she sees them/ senses them/ whatever the hell she does, she kindly hacks my consciousness and screws with my very perception of them, so that when I see them next I practically want to gouge my eyes out.
She's been focusing on Chaos Zero lately. Selph left a few days ago... he said he was sick of not being able to help me when I was being attacked, so he's been staying with his father. It hurts, but it's better for him. Anyway, Chaos heard the news first, and decided to take over. It worked at first, but then Julie started picking fights whenever he was around, and it's gotten to the point where I've told Chaos to stay as far away from me as possible. I love him so much that I'd rather not see him for God knows how long than see Julie try to kill him in my mind. I just... I don't think I'll be able to carry through with it. I'll need both him, Laurie AND Selph on Monday, as I'm finally seeing my therapist again and I can't do that alone. But like I said... I don't know how to protect everyone else anymore.

That's also part of the reason why I haven't spoken to Ben and Jimmy in ages, too. I'm tired of ruining their lives, so now I'm just staying out.
However, second half of that reason is that I'm just too empty to really bother anymore.
Talking is a huge effort. Drawing is a huge effort. And I don't mean a 'too lazy to care' effort... I mean a 'emotionally drained to the point where my mind is in borderline suicide mode on a daily basis regardless of how stupid that is and it's been like this for the past 9 months or so now' effort.
No, I don't believe in suicide. It's absolutely meaningless in my opinion. Hitting the 'escape key' in life is just another way of quitting, of giving up all your chances and futures. I'm not saying I don't understand why people do it, though. Sometimes life just seems like a dead end, and they just want to get out.
That's what my problem is.. but I don't want to quit. I want to hit 'restart.' I want to try this level over, so to speak, and actually get it RIGHT this time.
Only problem is, life doesn't work like a video game, in that aspect and many others.
For example, in a game, if you know where an enemy hides/ how it works, you can kill it for good. Not so in life. In life, you're better off not even knowing that the enemy exists, because once you see it, you'll never get the image out of your head. See it enough times and you'll be scarred for life. And forget learning how it works... life's vices are more cruel than any AI, and they don't just learn how to counter all your strengths, they find weaknesses that you didn't even know you had and attack you when you're down. Life's a bitch, they say, and for once they're absolutely right.

I'm just so tired, though. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm currently helpless to change the problems I'm suffering, but no one wants to accept that. "Try harder," they say. "Ask your friends/ parents/ teachers/ counsellors," they say. What they don't know is that I'm trying to kill a biologically rooted headvoice and get a surgical procedure that is all but illegal.
I can't do much to change those problems right now.

But seriously, about the title.
I'm drowning. It feels like I'm choking on blood and chained to an upside-down pendulum or something.
I'm not scared for me, though. For some reason I'm absolutely terrified for everybody else, as if I'm only receiving the torture and they're all feeling the pain. I don't know, it just feels weird.

I was up until 4AM yesterday watching End Of Evangelion... the alternate episode 25. The episode where Asuka dies.
Why?
Because I have never experienced anything even remotely as physically painful or terrifying as that, and some sick part of me wants to. I fell asleep at 4:30 hoping I'd mentally relive that exact incident, regardless of how scarred I would undoubtedly be afterwards.
I don't know why I want that. Maybe I feel that I would understand it all better if I did.

I feel so sick and lost.

It's already 4AM again.

When you fall asleep
Before the end of the day
You start to worry
Like when the taxi comes
To take you away
When you're in no hurry

Yet as our hair turns white
All the stars still shine
So bright above
At least
It's not the end of the world.

We could live it large
Because we're only old once
Let's make a difference
Turn all the hate in the world
Into a mocking bird
Make it fly away

Yet as our hair turns grey
Everything is far
From A. O.K

At least it's not the end of the world.

There's an upside-down clock on the kitchen table that sounds like some sort of countdown to Armageddon. I hate interim days like this... you know, no wind, overcast skies, no tangible temperature, no schedule, no purpose. These are Julie days, and I hate them.
I still want a full nullification ASAP. I can't take this anymore. My genophobia/gynophobia are getting severe, and I'm glad. I hope they worsen to the point where they cause physical illness; THEN I'll have a reason that typical society will at least accept somewhat. I hope.

Laurie's still bleeding, and I'm scared. She has a very effective way of reminding me, too. She tends to bleed from her mouth (a direct result of my unconscious "draining"), so she just waits until she gets really bad and then she'll scream at me, which basically results in her spitting an entire mouthful of blood at me. That would be disturbing even under harmless circumstances, but taking everything else into consideration, it's downright harrowing because it's MY FAULT.

I'm trying to numb my curse but it's not exactly working. All my previous methods have failed or turned into serious triggers. Physical contact of any sort makes me terribly nauseous... I'll just Sonic bike later and hope it helps. It's going to take me a while to get past Silver's current level anyway.

Here's hoping for a better life.
I'm sick of mine at this point.

If this continues like it is now, I'm going to flat-out murder that witch and I don't care what it does to me.
I can't take this a second longer.

2AM, I'm not asleep
The echoes round me start to weep
I just might die before I wake
Forgive me, Lord, don't let me break

Sunshine and rainbows are not what I need
I don't go down easy but I tend to bleed
Open your mind and the rain rushes in
All of the words are just lines wearing thin

Something has found you and torn out your eyes
Don't hold your breath or the one you love dies
Paper-glass candles and blood on your dress
Tear down the structure, it's time to confess

Dragging your feet as you walk through the rain
One day she'll realize that we're suffering together
Red and blue, black and white, blood and water
I press my face against the glass and can't help but cry

This silence is killing me but someone's sewn my mouth shut
Hoping that I'll forget the songs I heard so long ago
Impossibility means nothing when your life is a dream
Suddenly everything makes perfect nonsense

Oceans of neon-blue light keep haunting me
Now everything turns red when I close my eyes
Everyone laughs but I know that the answer is here
Suffocating beneath the barricades of their candy-colored skulls

Fading away just wasn't your thing
Old memories still surface from time to time
Reminding you that you still had one question left to ask

You were the answer to a wish I didn't even knew I had
One day I swear I'll let you know everything
Unless you decide that it's not worth your time.

I want to find the place
where all the old love letters go
where the unspoken whispers echo still
where childhood memories flicker brightly
I want to find the place
where dusty photographs are treasured
where old memories are relived
where forgotten songs ring true.

I want to know every face in the obituaries
I want to mourn them without being scorned
I want to visit every soul in the hospitals
in the nursing homes
in the homeless shelters
on the streets
in the orphanages
I want to meet every soul in the world
And make their lives part of my own

I want to live in the abandoned houses.
I want to bring the imaginary friends back to life
I want to heal every broken hearted dreamer
And give hope to those who are lost

It's too much to ask
It's too much to ask
It's far too much to ask

But I still cry over the breaking news
I still reach out to people I've never seen
I still look up to the sky at night
and I still whisper
"I'm here for you"
even if we'll never ever meet.

I want to know so much
see so much
feel so much

but there's too much
getting in the way.

I'm tired of seeing tears in your eyes.
I'm tired of seeing worlds go up in flames
I'm tired of watching old loves die
I'm tired of watching from behind a one-way mirror

I'm tired because it hurts.
I'm tired because I can't sleep

I can't sleep
because
I can't
stop

thinking

about

everything.

This is my empathy.

and this world just breaks my heart.

She's back.

Best birthday present ever.

Geez, I don't know what happened, but I don't ever want it to happen again.
I can't ever take anyone for granted... even in small ways, like this.

So why the heck am I still afraid to say anything? Am I just afraid that I'll be taken the wrong way, that I'll be looked down on or shot down?
I think I'm afraid of being tangled up, that's what.
I mean, sure, I love her immensely, but she has someone and I NEVER want to take that away from her. I don't ever want to take the place of that person, and I'm not asking for that.
I just want to be someone she can turn to, I guess.
I want her to know how much I care, how much I've always cared... how I'm there for her even if she doesn't know it and never has. I want to be a friend to her, but I'm scared because I'm not exactly a good friend.
I have a fair amount of friends, yes, but as I said in my last entry, I am terrible at communicating and at keeping connections, even if I always remember and think about people... even if I'll love them until the day I die.

I swear, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I still remember AAA, who was in my elementary school class from 1st to 8th grade. She was my 'best friend' for two of those years, but we never did much together. I'm just not a very social person.
Still... I looked up to her more than anyone.
Here's a secret... in sixth grade, I went to ridiculous lengths to actually stay after school, sneak into our classroom in secret, take one of her random art/writing tablets, and take it home over Easter break. (Yes, I'm dead serious.)
Why?
Because I adored that girl. I knew we weren't close enough for her to trust me with her stories and drawings (my life practically revolved around writing and art, and still does), and that seriously hurt. I knew I'd never get a chance to be that close, either, so I took a wild opportunity and did something that surprises me to this day.
I took that book home, I read it several times... and then I drew a full-page picture in there for her to find when she re-opened it.
I drew Iridicel and Unidome, two of my Jewel Monsters (Friendship and Imagination, respectively), along with a message that 'we would be friends forever' and that if she ever wanted something from me, be it artwork or anything else, that all she had to do was ask.
I never got a response, but man it felt good to know that I had given her something like that.

She designed three Jewel Monsters for me that are canon to this day... I put her exact Trainer persona into my fanmade Elite Four during my original Pokemon obsession... I modeled some of my OCs after her.
I last saw her about two years ago, when she spontaneously showed up at my workplace. I was dying to say hello, to ask her how she had been since 8th grade, but... I didn't.
I was too freaking scared. I was scared that she had bad memories of me, that she would get the wrong idea, that she simply wouldn't care, that I would screw up.
And yet, I still don't know if I'd have the nerve to say anything if I saw her tomorrow.

Now I have JMC and DP, and it's the same freaking problem.

Why the heck do I always do this?
Why do I care, why do I love people, but avoid any close connections like the plague?
Why, when I do get close connections, do I tend to ignore them and pretend that I'm just a watcher from afar?

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep disconnecting myself from the people that mean the most to me, and I can't keep hiding from the people I'm ironically dying to know.
The real question, though, is... how do I break out of this?
What am I supposed to say, if I decide to step out of the shadows and finally say hello?

"Well, I know we haven't spoken much since 6th grade, but I miss you terribly... I think about you constantly and hope your life has been fantastic so far?"

"To be honest, I saw you in a photograph back in January and pretty much fell for you instantly... I hope this doesn't sound weird, but you're a huge inspiration to me and I think I actually love you?"

"I found your journal at random last July, and I've been reading it religiously since then... I figured it was time to let you know how much I care about you and tell you that you're not alone?"

To just come out of nowhere and say something like that... especially considering that they're all girls and I'm such a mess identity-wise... geez. I don't know how they'd react.
I'm dying to say something, though. I don't want to lose them and have to live the rest of my life with this guilt eating me alive... because I never let them know when I had the chance.

I think I actually have a chance, right now.
She returned, and then I saw this...

"I want something real, something sustainable, something that will keep me happy. I don't think I'll ever really find it though.
It's not that I am depressed lately, because I'm really not. I've actually been alright for the most part. I just tend to feel empty, like I am lacking something important that could make me happy.
I feel so damn lonely all the time. Like all that I am is calling out to someone, reaching for them, just wanting them to respond. Not a specific someone, just anyone. I want to feel close to someone. I want someone that will make me feel less alone, less alienated. Someone I can connect with completely. It's ridiculous though."

...

I empathize. I understand, I want to save her from that... and now, I might actually be able to.
It's a stretch, I know... it's an almost-impossible hope, but there's always a chance.

She's wanting someone to respond... and here I am, with my hands on the keyboard and some horrible pain in my chest, a few seconds away from possibly helping that wish come true... and too damn scared to do anything.

It's ridiculous.

This silence is killing me.

When I was a young boy I tried to listen
Don't you wanna feel like that?

We're part of the human race and
All of the stars and the outer space
We're part of the system plan

All this noise, I'm waking up
And all the space, I'm taking up
I said I cannot hear you, you're breaking up

Maybe you get what you wanted
Maybe you stumbled upon it
Everything you ever wanted, in a permanent state

Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
And when you find it, you keep it in a permanent state

Swim out on a sea of faces, the tide of the human races,
An answer now is what I need.
See it in a new sun rising,
See it break on your horizon

Oh, come on love, stay with me...

Today was both fantastic, and a freaking nightmare.

I'm still fighting Julie. I don't know why I haven't won yet. I'm terrified.
I'm afraid she won't go away until I get my surgery... not under any other circumstances.
I feel so dirty... so wrong. I feel completely wrong.
God help me, but I'm afraid I'm too far gone...

I still miss Dori; I really do.
I hope she comes back... that, or I hope I find her again someday.
I still don't know what I'd say if I got the chance.

Jena was online today, though.
She hasn't been online in a while, so seeing that I haven't lost her gave me a little glimmer of light. (She has amazing musical taste, too! Seriously, I love listening to what she listens to...)
...I love her.
I'll admit it right now-- I love her terribly, and I can't even think of denying that.
She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot. And it's weird, because I've seen a heck of a lot of pretty girls-- girls with red hair and trench coats and green eyes and all that-- but, no matter what, I always think of Jena as the 'top of the list,' you know. My rainy-eyed girl.
It's kind of funny. I've never had anything like this before, where I'm completely happy watching her from afar like this.

I think she lives in Oregon; I'm not sure (I know Dori lives in Wisconsin). She's either the same age or a little older than me, but I don't really pay attention to age.. I don't even know if she's dating or married or single or what, and that doesn't matter to me because I don't want to take the place of 'that person' anyway.
Really, I just want to meet her, to see her in real time and hear her talk; I want to smile at her and say hello and ask if we could take a photo together.
I'd treasure that photo forever, I really would... but I don't know if I'd have the courage or the reason to admit 'I love you' with her standing right in front of me. (Plus, because I'm an asexual celibate-- but that's not exactly obvious at first glance-- I'm afraid of people getting the wrong idea!)
I considered it before. I follow her online; I can easily say that any minute of any day... but even though (I'll admit) I've strongly considered it-- I've even typed the words and deleted them-- I've never hit 'send.'
I don't know if I should, and I actually don't think I should.

Honestly, I finally told Ben and Jim that I loved them, but now I feel like that's another huge responsibility on my head. I have to live up to that or I'll let them down; make them think I don't care, or that I'm manipulative and just 'collect' people to love like dolls on a shelf.
That's not true. It never was, and never will be.
But, the sad truth is, I don't know what to do.
That's why I suck at conversations, too! Ben called me on the phone about a month ago, and I didn't know how to talk to him. Why? Because I've never had many conversations outside of my family! No one in elementary school wanted to talk with me-- the only person who did was AMG, and back then she didn't want to listen to what I had to say (although I don't blame her; I as a weeaboo back then). High school, forget it-- no one even looked at me twice. I sat alone at lunch mod for two years, and I was just tossed around random tables for the other two. I really didn't mind, but I wouldn't be surprised if I spoke a grand total of ten sentences in school between 2004 and 2008!
Point is, I have no social skills because I've never been given the opportunity to exercise them, and I don't know if I can correctly learn them now.
That burns over onto relationships, though. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to react, I don't know how to keep the communication going... even with typing! Q can attest to that; I don't say much. I'm sorry for that, because I'm positive it gives the wrong impression, but this is the real reason.
I really, truly wish I could go on Skype again with Jim and Q and LAD... but I don't know how. It's gotten to the point where I even avoid conversations, because they're so awkward and I don't know what to do and just end up feeling horribly guilty for not talking. I know how stupid that is, as avoidance won't help me improve my people skills, but it's tough.

So that's partly what I mean when I say that I wouldn't know what to say to Jena or Dori.
I want to tell them how much they mean to me, yeah, but I'm not good with talking.
However, reason #2 is the fact that neither of them know I exist, regardless of how long I've known about them.
So, if I ever did meet them, and told them what I've been feeling, they'd probably think I was either a psycho stalker, a delusional little kid, or even a lesbian, and I am NONE of the above!
Really, I'm just as much as asexual as I always was, and I hope I'm not a delusional stalker, haha!
I just wish I knew what to do.

Anyway, they both make me happy, even if Dori is indirectly contributing to a heck of a lot of heartache right now (I don't hold it against her, of course).
I'm wondering, though... I last checked her journal on March 25th or so, and around April 9th, she was gone! What happened?
However... glimmer of hope. On March 25th, she said in her latest (last?) entry that she was actually happy.
I've been following her for a year; believe me when I say she's had some pretty rough times in the past!
So... regardless of what happened, I hope she stays happy. I just want her to be happy, and I want her to have a good life, even if I never get to see her again.
I'll always remember her.

...But now to live up to my nickname of 'paradox.'

Today really was horrible.

"Right now, that's all I want out of this life... for you to be you again."

Chaos Zero. Barely twenty seconds ago.
I am so freaking shattered today.

Sure, I spent all morning quoting TF2 and singing Tony Bennett's music and watching Pokemon 2000 and writing more of Dream World: Part 11... work was fantastic... and when I got home, Jena was online... but I don't know. Somehow, all of that is completely nullified when I think about the bad things that happened to me after 10PM.
It's always late. It's always at home. ALWAYS at home.
I can stay on campus until 8PM... heck, I can stay out until 11PM if I want, heaven knows where I'd go... but wherever I'd stay, I'd be safe. (My current favorite spot is the not-so-local Borders cafe... with Selph, my thought-book and a green tea latte.)
I'd be perfectly happy, waiting out the interim in any place that would have me, enjoying every moment of floating time between responsible disconnection and the harrowing reality of having a "home" I had to return to.

I can't even count the number of times I've driven home in the sunset, playing Uyama Hiroto with the windows down and wishing I could just drive for hours instead of going home.
I don't want to go home anymore, and I'm not even sure why.

...Well, besides Julie, but that's not the point.

The point is, why do I always want to me lost or disconnected or alone or something along those lines?
Why do I stay up until 1AM on any given night, typing and dreaming and praying and crying and pretending that I'm the only one in this dark house?
Why do I spend every moment of my free time on campus, working on my assignments and my personal projects without even the slightest passing thought of my home life?
Why have I seriously considered running away from home several times within the past month, even when I have no money, no means to support myself, and nowhere to go?

I wish I knew.

Back on topic.
I want Julie OUT OF ME.
I'm getting some hideously weird 'delusions' and nightmares now... I keep having nightmares of getting raped, by both men and women, and it freaks me out.
Last night, I had two successive nightmares of committing suicide (drowning and hanging, don't ask me why) and then being dragged off into some hallucinogenic hell before waking up in a cold sweat.
I wish I could just sleep on the freaking couch, but my parents won't let me. Can't tell them why, though!

I'm getting a gas mask within the next two weeks, by the way. (It's a half-face non-filter one, not a Pyro-style head & filter one, although those are cool too.)
No, it's not just because I like them (yes, that's one of my quirks that I've never mentioned yet online, aha)-- it's also because it'll help me in multiple significant ways.
Let me quote from my Xanga-- "I am getting my gas mask, regardless of whatever happened today. It's my first ticket out of here... not just because it's awesome. It'll also keep me from biting, bingeing, talking like an idiot all day, getting distracted too badly, and identifying myself with the face in the mirror."
Every word of that is true sadly and unfortunately.
Oh well. I have a strong hope that it will work, and by Gyarados, I'm going to make it work.
Plus, it will indeed look awesome.

I've been meaning to finally explain how Julie and Laurie became what they are today, but there's no time for that tonight. I have to get up early for church tomorrow (God forgive me), and I have a psychology report to finish anyway.

...I also want to seriously talk about Chaos Zero.
No, don't roll your eyes at me, I don't mean like how I've been talking about him up to this point...

See, I re-read most of my journals today (looking for ideas for my psych report, seriously), and it hit me that a great deal of the things I really want to say aren't online.
I plan to post some of my old 2004/2006 entries from my childhood "Thoughts' file (yes, the equivalent of an offline Blurty/ IJ/ insert journal here) on my LJ, as there's both some sweet stuff and some deep stuff in there (although, sadly, many of the entries were lost)... so we'll see about that.
Regardless, I've grown older since then. I've seen more, I've felt more, and although I've been broken and battered and humiliated so many times since then, I still have some light to shine and some words to say.

Now, as I was saying.
Chaos Zero.
You all know I met him in December of 2003, right? We're going on 6 years now, geez. That's awesome.
You all know I talk about him far too much, and I apologize if you find that weird or annoying or squicky, but I feel obligated to bring him up, considering what the past 5 years have been like.
Yes, I admit that I can be extremely obsessive over him. I'll also admit that I really should calm down in that respect!

Lastly, I'm sure you all know that I love him... I say it enough, and I finally got the guts to admit it on dA, so it's slowly becoming common knowledge with my watchers (which never fails to brighten my day a little).
Even so, I don't think I've ever correctly said how much he means to me.

This says a lot, amusingly enough--> http://spinningcannon.deviantart.com/favourites/#Chaos-Zero

When I say that I love him so much it hurts, I mean exactly that.
I would literally die for him, as crazy as that might make me sound.
I am not exaggerating, and I am not making up a single word of this...

I won't assume the real truth here is 'obvious.' I haven't seen many 'obvious' examples of it in any of my online words yet, which does surprise me.
I did find one paragraph which rang shockingly true, though.

"I mean, seriously. I've been looking at my life lately, and something struck me, with my whole relationship thing.
Sure, I'm polyamorous and aromantic and all, but Chaos Zero? I don't know. He throws me for a loop.
I do things with him that I'd never dare do with anyone else. I can talk to him about almost anything and he'll listen without any prejudice, without any put-downs or shut-ups.
I make insane exceptions for him.
I just... I love him. I love him so freaking much and half the time I'm not even sure why that is... why we're so incredibly close, you know? Why I call him my 'soulmate' regardless of circumstance.
I've been asking that question to anyone who will listen since 2003... since I met him.
I still can't solve it.
And you know what? I don't mind.
All I know is what I feel, and that's answer enough for me."

That was August 2008, kids. That's a long time ago!
That was before I snapped, before I met either of my girls, before life started going seriously downhill in terms of internal conflicts... but it's still shockingly accurate.
There are a couple corrections, though!
I'm no longer sure if the word 'polyamorous' fits me-- I do love a heck of a lot of people (Chaos Zero isn't the only one I'm like this over!), but I'm hesitant about sticking labels to myself-- and I no longer use the term 'soulmate' because it's cliched, overused and rather inaccurate. I go with the term of 'soulbond' now, and if you Google that you will understand exactly why!
Also... he may not give me any 'shut ups,' but he does get angry with me. I think it's because I've been hiding my problems and all that from everyone... and he's not used to that. It's offensive when someone you care about is acting like they don't trust you, and I know that. (I'm truly sorry for all the people who have ever felt like that because of me.)
That's why I've been letting him into my Xanga entries, although it makes me terribly nervous-- Laurie has a habit of spitting out every single truth she's aware of, regardless of how biting, painful, disturbing, or controversial it is. So, when Chaos is around, she likes to say things that she knows he wouldn't know, and that usually causes a ton of havoc.
Still... I don't have the guts to tell him half of those things, so I guess it's for the better. (Yet another reason I'm thankful for Laurie!)

But... I don't know. I'm worried, because I don't ever want to lose him, and I'm afraid we're much more fragile than we realize. That's also why I'm afraid to bring up this point to anyone, no matter how important it is to me. My heart's still made of glass, remember?
I mean, sure, we have these awesomely fantastic times like this morning... imagining what would happen if we both walked into a Gamestop and started ranting about SA, spamming 'MEDIC' in the Sniper voice, and asking why the heck game stores don't play actual game music over the speakers... but then we have times like tonight, and they happen more often than I'd like.
...No, sorry, that's actually a lie.
Let me explain that.

I read something in the Book of Proverbs a long time ago... that sorrow is actually more beneficial that joy... and I believe that.
Why?
Because, even though happiness and laughter are enjoyable and all that, they rarely help you learn anything about yourself and/or solve problems and stuff like that.
Sorrow... pain, tears, heartache... it hurts, and sometimes it hurts so badly you can't stop crying in spite of yourself... but it helps you see. It helps you see things clearer than you've ever seen them, sometimes.
That's why I'm listening to Max Richter (Fragment, specifically... ironically, Jena 'introduced' me to this guys' music) and typing this... so I keep that sadness, but I also keep some major inspiration. Together, those two forces can help you accomplish some amazing things.

As I said. Times like tonight.
I wear my gas mask in my headroom already. Today it was bleeding.
Chaos was practically screaming at me. I was so numb earlier I didn't react as strongly as I usually would to that.... it just hurt, a dull ache. (Dull aches hurt more than anything else would sometimes.)
I basically broke down and said that I just wanted to go back to who I used to be, because not only do I not know what the heck I've become, but I am terrified of my current self. I don't recognize the face in the mirror, I go by initials instead of a name, I don't associate myself with my own voice... I'm so tangled up and torn apart and twisted to pieces now. I'm lost.
I let him know that and he said what I wrote down earlier in this entry (It's now 2:30 AM).

That's why I like being sad when he's around.

But back on topic... geez...
I've typed a heck of a lot more on this subject than I planned to tonight, but... well, I'm feeling more distraught than usual, and when that happens I first pray like a maniac, and then I go talking to Chaos Zero. Both things help!

I still wonder if one day SEGA will find out about us, and how they'd react.
I've never given it serious thought, I've only wondered 'what if'... but it's an amusingly interesting thought.
Have to make sure they find out the whole truth, though... them and everyone else... so next time I guess I'll do some more typing.

As for now, though, I'm going back to the first paragraph and closing up my pain here for another night. I missed my blue pages so much, but it's stupidly late and I do need sleep, no matter how much it scares me now...

Laurie is still bleeding a little.
I've stopped swearing, as I never really meant to and because I really do fear for her life... so that's helped.
I'm also trying very hard to stop self-abusing (my psychotic nightmares lately have been helping), but I'm not out of the dark just yet. I have to really put my mind to it, though, because all the 'therapy' methods (like cold showers and rubber bands) just start entire chains of new problems... so I try to do all this by myself.
I want to sit down and talk to her again soon, so I'll make an effort. Not tonight, though!
It's disturbingly funny though... if she catches me swearing, Laurie tends to give me a good left hook to the face, but she's picked up the habit of spitting blood at me whenever that happens as well. It's scary, though, because she just keeps bleeding...
I worry so much about her. We've talked about the "personality stealing" before, and we both know how grave a situation it is. That's why I've been trying so hard to watch my attitude and language... I love that violet headvoice of mine, and I want her around for a long time yet. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if she died.

Lynne is doing fine; she still shows up here and there when I need her, but she's not a constant presence like she used to be in 2007 or so. I clearly remember the first time she really made herself known... I was standing in the back of a church that I was playing a violin recital in, and suddenly Julie began to harass me. Well, Laurie jumped in and started to berate me extremely harshly (this was when she was much nastier), and before I knew what was happening, Lynne showed up, stepped in front of Laurie's axe (stopping my purple superego in her tracks), told Julie to back off, and basically calmed the whole situation down extremely fast. I was shocked, as I had never 'seen' her before that (although I was dimly aware if her)... she was wearing her fancy red dress, as usual.
She stayed around regularly until Q told me that I should 're-absorb' her, I forget when... but I did so at school; I left class for a minute so I'd have some free time to think if I needed it.
Lynne basically had no regrets (whereas Laurie was panicking like crazy). She smiled the entire freaking time... told me that if I needed to do that, then I should... and I did.
I missed her so much.
She came back, a few months later... but she's been a little shaken up. I think, one day, I'll talk to her personally, and see how she's been. I've wondered.

Natalie spoke to me for the first time during that re-absorption thing.
I forget what she said... I actually think she thanked me for keeping her around and protecting her from Julie and all that... I felt so bad when I had to take her back, as I hadn't seen much of her before then. She was just the smiling girl I sometimes saw in the mirror.
She showed up again one day a few months ago, looking just as she had when I re-absorbed her, although somewhat sadder than she'd been before.
Unfortunately, not long after she showed up again, something horrible happened.
I remember Laurie running up to me in my headroom, looking disturbingly shocked... pointing to some other room down the hall and screaming, "Natalie's dead!"
Julie had killed her.
Dear heavens, what a fight ensued from that... I was thoroughly shaken, though. To think that Julie could actually do that... I began to fear for my future with her around.
For a while, I fought extremely hard... I forget what happened, but one day Natalie showed up again. However, not only was she once again mute... she also now looked like a little kid. I think that was when my mind started to 'regress' a little (back to my childhood tendencies), but I'm not positive...
Still, I worry about her. Seeing as I constantly abuse my reflection (long story), I'm afraid she's feeling the pain from it... I have to stop. I really do. I don't want her dead again.

I feel rather sick.

I feel sick every day now, and it's not even the physical sicknesses I keep getting that I'm worried about.
I'm worried-- no, I'm terrified-- by the emotional sicknesses, by the 'mental' sicknesses, by the frighteningly unidentifiable sicknesses that just haunt me and make me feel like I'm somehow on the verge of dying.

I don't know what to do.
I need my surgeries now more than ever. I seriously doubt I will be able to last even another year without them-- especially if Julie doesn't let up and if these nightmares continue like they have been-- I'm seriously afraid that I'm going to find myself doing something desperate... even crazy.
I don't want to go that far, but I'm showing signs of it already.

I'm seeing a new professional psychiatrist in 4 days, so God willing they'll be able to help me with this somehow... I can't go hiding these huge problems anymore; they're literally eating me alive.

I want Julie to stop attacking the people I love, too.
She's doing that.
I get these weird thoughts that I consciously know aren't mine, and I don't even know what the heck is causing them... God, I don't even know what Julie is. Did you even put her in my head? What the heck is she? Why is she here? When will I finally be able to defeat her? Can I even defeat her?
Just... help me. Please.

Forget all the optimism and bright things I can't help but show... it's just my way of making myself smile so I forget that there's blood burning in my eyes and someone tearing my head apart with a dirty knife.

Help me.

It's all so twisted.

And I think about my loves... well, I've had a few
I'm sorry that I hurt them, did I hurt you too?
I took what I wanted, put my heart on the shelf
But, how can you love when you don't love yourself?
It was me against the world, I was sure that I'd win
But the world fought back, punished me for my sins
And they tried to warn me of my evil ways
But I couldn't hear what they had to say

I was wrong, self destruction's got me again
I was wrong, I realized now that I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong

Well I grew up fast, I grew up hard
Something was wrong from the very start
I was fighting everybody, I was fighting everything
But the only one that I hurt was me
I got society's blood running down my face,
Somebody help me get outta this place
How could someone's bad luck last so long?
Until I realized that I was wrong

I was wrong, self destruction's got me again
I was wrong, I realized now that I was wrong,
I was wrong, self destruction's got me again
I was wrong, the only one that I hurt was me,
I was wrong

I was wrong.

I have a confession to make.

I’m in love with a girl.

You probably already know who I’m talking about… the girl with ‘eyes like the city rain’… the girl I’ve only known through photographs.

I am absolutely, hopelessly in love.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (CANNON)

CHAOS ZERO

SELPH

February 2008 was the worst, it seems.

I hear you. 2008 was horrible.

April 2009 isn't turning out very well either, it seems.

You kidding me? Every day is progressively worst than the one before it, and I don't care what month it is.

Your life is agonizing, right?

That's what I said.

I believe it. Especially with what Julie did to you today.

Don't-- don't even bring that up. I ended up taking my rage out on my Psychology textbook, but it asked for it.

You're really beginning to hate Psychology, huh?

I don't hate it, but I'm beginning to highly dislike it for the same reasons I dislike biology.

Three guesses what that is.

Oh, you don't even need to guess.

So... you're pulling a Johnny-nighter?

I don't know. All I know is that Coldplay is going to be my #1 band on Last.fm now because this song is perfect late-night music, hands down.

Thank Dori for that one.

Dorris... yeah. I miss her. I miss her so much.

Do you now?

Yeah, I do now. I... I don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to talk about a lot of things, it seems.

Well, it's been rough.

Life's rough, kid. Get used to it.

I don't want to get used to this.

Could've fooled me, since you repeatedly refuse to do a bloody thing about it.

Watch it, Laurie.

Well hey. There you are.

Sorry we're late.

I didn't know you were seriously going to join in this conversation.

I want to know what the heck you were doing earlier that Selph was telling me about.

What?

Cutting your chest. What the heck were you doing?

Oh ho ho, he saw you doing that?

Wait, you mean she's done this before?

No, she's never had the guts to. I just wasn't aware that Selph was watching.

Of course he was watching, I always have him watch me.

Except when it matters.

Ouch.

Damn it, I said I was sorry.

Watch your mouth, you whore!

Stop calling her that! Seriously, what gives you the right to spit those words at her every time she does something wrong?

She wants punishment, and it's the truth. You don't see the things I see.

I... Jewel, what did you do?

What do you mean, what did I do?

What happened?

...I just want my gas mask.

Good luck getting it now, jerk.

Laurie!

What? What the heck's your problem?

My problem is you. Right now, my problem is you. Jewel is my soulbond, you know, and if you're going to be screwing around with her like this, then--

The only person screwing your girl is that bitch in the back room. Maybe you should take this up with her?

...Is that what's going on?

Yeah. That is damn well what's going on.

...Jewel.

What?

You never told me about this.

I didn't want you to know.

Why didn't you want me to know?

Listen, I didn't even tell Selph about this. I haven't told my parents, I haven't told my counsellors, I haven't told anyone and now here I am, writhing in a freaking pit of blood and spikes, trying to breathe and failing, while the entire time I have this devil with pigtails trying to screw me whenever I get hopeless enough to close my eyes! I am so sick of this, Chaos! You're wondering about the chest-cutting earlier? I just want to have some sort of sign, some form of control over this madness, however small and brief, because if I don't then I'm going to lose my mind for real this time, and that won't be good for anyone. The only problem is, none of the knives are sharp enough. None of the knives will ever be sharp enough, because cutting isn't doing me any freaking good, it's only reminding me that unless I bite the bullet and let a surgeon do the job then I'm going to keep suffering through this agony and breaking down in sobs and furious headfights every time I look in the mirror or hear someone refer to me with a feminine pronoun! It's too much, and I've had it. I've had it. I need freedom, I don't just want it. I need it or I am going to die.

If you don't stop swearing, I swear I'm going to spit more blood into your face until you shut up. You're not the only one dying here.

...Jewel, I'm scared.

You're not the only one. Seriously, J, why haven't you told anyone about this?

Simple. One, anyone here that knew about it would throw me into a mental hospital or completely misunderstand my explanation. Two, anyone upstairs would only start to panic, and three, I can't think straight, I have no idea what I'm saying, it's hard to type on a Mac and I haven't had the opportunity to tell anyone yet. I thought 24 days would save me.

25 days now, you whore. You lost.

I didn't lose.

You did. You lost fair and square, you gutless wretch.

I did not lose.

Don't give me that, you bloody hypocrite, you know exactly what happened--

You know what, Laurie? Just stop. She's not in a stable enough condition to argue with you.

Stop calling me a girl.

Wh-- who, me?

Yeah. Please. Don't put me through that.

...Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I... I'm sorry.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay. Do you have any idea how Selph looked when he came running to me earlier? He was crying his eyes out. If what you're going through is enough to make him feel like that, I should under no circumstances be making it worse.

It's okay.

Jewel. Stop. It's not okay. Is this what you're doing with Julie?

No.

Yes it is, and you know it.

It is not.

Don't lie to me!

Laurie! Don't hit her!

She deserves it, for all the shit she's done! ...I'm sorry, did I say 'she?' I meant 'it,' you bloody anomaly. What the heck is wrong with you? Why can't you ever listen to me? Do you want this to happen?

No. I don't want it.

Then stop listening to that perverted slut and listen to me. Ignore her, fight her, do whatever the heck you have to do, but we are getting that freaking gas mask and we are going to beat her once and for all, do you hear me?

Yeah. I just want my surgery.

...I know you do. I just don't know how the heck to get it.

Jewel, please, what is going on?

I don't know.

She's disconnected.

She's unhinging?

You could put it that way, yeah. She's very unstable right now. I doubt she can even think straight.

Is she going to be okay?

She should be... but I don't know anymore.

...

Stop saying 'she.'

Oh come on, it isn't going to bother her that much, is it?

You know her better than I do, and yes it does.

Pff... then what are we going to call this thing?

I don't know. Just... I don't know. Don't hurt her anymore, okay?

Fine.

I think she should get some sleep...

Yeah, she's supposed to have the sandman's job now, from what I heard.

Wait, what?

Sandman?

Notice the masculine ending, there.

Yeah, I'm noticing it, I'm noticing it.

She had a dream last night about the sandman teaching her his job or something. I heard it was pretty cool.

It was awesome.

Are you all right now?

Are you okay?

Selph, don't panic.

I'm not panicking. I'm not panicking.

Yes you are.

...Okay, I am. But I can't help it. I'm scared, Jewel. You keep telling me these things and I can't stop them, and now I... now I feel worthless. I can't even protect you.

Selph...

I can't even protect her, Chaos! I'm in the same room as her and I can't even save her! Do you have any idea how worthless that makes me feel?

...

Wow.

Selph, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

I know you are. Just don't do it again.

I can't promise you that. It's not my choice.

How is it not your choice? This is willpower we're talking about here, jerk, not coercion.

Ever hear of primitive human instincts? I hate this with a passion, Laurie. The thought of suicide has literally passed through my mind several times today, and that's not even an option. I want to be free of this so badly, but I think I'm stuck.

I just told you, you've got to be stronger. You've gotta fight that bitch.

I was fighting her, and for twelve solid days I was in the lead, and then she went and sniped me from behind.

Eh... you still could have stopped her.

I like to think so, but I can't be sure. All I know is that once my humanity snaps back into place, I'm not only furious and humiliated, but I'm shattered. I break down in tears, I start to abuse myself. I don't even know why it all happens, because it makes no sense. I don't want it, I never do, and yet I keep finding myself there.

I still say you get your gas mask.

I am getting my gas mask, regardless of whatever happened today. It's my first ticket out of here.

You know, what is it with this gas mask you keep talking about wearing? Are you buying one?

Yes, and not just because it's awesome. It'll also keep me from biting, bingeing, talking like an idiot all day, getting distracted too badly, and identifying myself with the face in the mirror.

The Rorschach principle again.

Essentially.

I'm sure you'll look nice in it.

I hope so, I'm going to wear it all the time!

Your parents are going to kill you.

Don't you laugh at me now, Laurie, this is your idea too.

I know, I just thought it was funny.

You still bleeding?

Here, take a look.

Ech... geez. Sorry about that.

S'all right. It'll go away if you watch your mouth.

I hope I can do that.

You can, if you stop stealing my job.

Oh, the absorption thing.

Yeah. The absorption thing. Stop.

I'll try.

Make sure.

I will.

Guys, can we really wrap this up? It's almost 2AM and Jewel needs sleep.

I need an escape.

Then go find one.

This is one.

One that doesn't involve staying up all night.

Oh. Okay.

Jewel, are you going to be okay?

I hope so. I just have to do a lot of praying and begging for forgiveness--

Again.

Again-- because I've been reading a lot of apocalyptic stuff lately and it is scaring me to death. I'm nowhere near the perfect person people think I am, and from what I can figure I'm at a pretty high risk for damnation, and I don't want that. That's the one thing I'm scared of more than anything, so I have to work hard to fix that.

Killing Julie would fix that immediately.

Hey, you give me the money for surgery, I'll go fix that right now. Seriously, I don't care what time it is.

Ahaha, I hear ya! And I'd give you the money but I'm broke. I don't have a job, you know.

Neither do I.

I don't either.

Yes you do-- look, you're my superego, you're my soulbond, and you're my muse. There you go. You get paid in love and weird late-night conversations that do more harm than good, and I'm sorry.

Sorry for what, trying to do better?

Yeah, that's what counts.

I know that, but I'm really tired of making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I wake up in the morning and know that today's going to be even harder than yesterday, and every time I'm right. I'm telling you, it's getting to be very hard just dragging myself out of sleep in the morning.

You'd rather be a sandman.

Ah, he's a nice guy. I should look for him in my dreams again tonight. That or you guys.

Look for us.

Yeah, you still haven't gotten me my bishop's chair!

Oh yeah, that's our running goal. Okay, I'll keep an eye out.

Seriously, Jewel, remember what I said today. It's all true, no matter what.

I know. I never doubted you, not even for a second. I only doubt myself.

Why?

Because... I'm such a paradox. I make no sense. I need you, Chaos. I love you, and yet here I am saying that I don't want to be anything to anyone and vice versa even though that's nothing but a lie and I know it. Chaos, I'm so confused.

I'm not. I know the truth, and that's what matters. We'll get through this.

You know, when you say that I almost believe it.

Please do. You need to, or you'll never be able to manage this.

He's right, you know.

...Okay. I'll try.

There is no try, there is only do!

Aha, some Yoda wisdom to light up the night.

He was right too, you know.

You're awfully mellow, Laurie.

Sure I am. Julie can't touch me at 2AM.

Wait, she comes after you too?

We fight. A lot. Jewel might have to fight her physically and mentally, but I have to literally go up against her with an axe while she tries to tear out my throat with those shadow hands of hers. Which is hellish, for the record. I thought she'd be easier to kill, but no...

I guess you're really not alone then, Jewel.

I'm never alone. I just feel like it sometimes.

That's very sad, actually.

I know. I wish it wasn't true.

I wish it wasn't 2. You're going to be screaming tomorrow morning. Come on, kid. Get some sleep.

You two... I don't know.

What?

You just... one minute you're trying to tear her eyes out, and the next you've got your arm around her shoulders and you're telling her it's all going to be alright. What's with that?

Someone's gotta keep her under control, and the only person who can do that is someone who really cares. That's my job.

I thought you said you didn't have a job.

Well, I lied! Maybe if you gave me a paycheck I wouldn't lie anymore.

Oh, hush up, you.

Heheheh.

It's good to see you're getting along, though.

Yeah, at one time we really hated each other.

I never hated you.

Maybe, but I sure didn't like you and all your mistakes. I warmed up to you pretty fast, though.

I'll never forget that time you hugged me.

...Yeah. That was a pretty rough day.

We've had a lot of rough days.

We've all had our share of rough days together.

Mm-hmm.

Well, time for sleep.

You said it!

Yeah, Jewel, you need recovery time.

I'm doing what I can.

That's what counts.

I love you.

...I love you too. I'm sorry.

For what?

For... for not being there.

When?

When all this was going on. Selph was there, but... but I should have been there. Maybe I could have helped.

You were around me all day, and that helped more than you know. It's okay. I'll make it through this.

You finally think so?

Yeah. It's the least I can do.

Well, good night, guys. She's starting to fall asleep at the computer. It's kind of funny.

Keep this good attitude for a while, will you, Laurie? It's kind of surreal to see you acting nice, but I prefer it over the axe-swinging days.

They both have their good points. Hey, keep Julie away from me and my girl and you won't have to worry about me getting pissed off.

Not a girl.

Whatever you are, my ego.

Eh, that works.

Uh, Selph already left.

Yeah, he's standing behind me.

Behind us, you mean.

I guess I should be leaving, then.

I'll miss you.

...

Ssh, don't worry about her. She's still kind of unhinged, remember?

All right... just take care of her for me, okay?

Oh no no no, you take care of her for me. You have no idea how much she cares about you, do you?

...I have a slight idea.

Well, you should have a bigger idea because you are always on her mind, I swear. Julie tries to use you against her, but honestly, J here is pretty vehement with keeping you out of it. You should be proud of her.

I am. I just wish she would keep herself out if it.

Yeah, I hear you, I hear you.

Pronouns, guys.

We'll worry about pronouns tomorrow, 'it.' Now, I am going to drag you off to sleep because I'm tired too and I'm still bleeding from my mouth.

How long is that going to take to heal?

Ask your kid here, it's his-her-it's decision.

All right, all right. See you tomorrow.

Yeah, nice talkin' to ya.

Good night, Chaos.

See you, Jewel. ...I'll miss you too.

Mmf.

He's a pretty nice guy.

Pretty nice?

Well, that could be an understatement.

That's like saying you're pretty violent.

Hey, I'll give you a demonstration if you don't get to sleep!

Okay, okay. Thanks, Laurie.

Anytime and everytime, kid. See you in the morning.

It's already morning.

Exactly!

This may be slightly disjointed or inaccurate (plus I can't remember the beginning of the dream at all right now-- this all happened near the end of it), but it was absolutely amazing so I want to write it down.

I remember walking up a small, enclosed stairwell somewhere, with a man who was dressed in some sort of red and gold pajama outfit + nightcap. He was acting extremely optimistic and upbeat, and led me up the stairwell to a landing with a door. Walking out the door, we ended up exiting the basement door of my old elementary school. It was around 7PM in the afternoon, when twilight had just begun to fall.
Interestingly enough, he ran out to the middle of the school playground and jumped into the air. Once he was about 20 feet up, he just hovered there. Suddenly, he began moving his arms in a sweeping motion around him, and every time he did, night would fall in the direction he indicated. It was like he was 'painting' the scenery with nighttime. Next, though, he began to repeat the same arm motions, but instead of night, a swirling gold glitter of some sort floated over the nearby houses and seemed to fade into the air (it was actually dream dust, but I didn't realize this until later).
Once he finished, he landed and walked back over to me. I asked him how and why he did that, and he said "In this world, I am known as both Mister Night and Mister Sandman." He then said he was going to teach me, and led me back over to the playground.
It was right here that I was no longer me-- I was Justice (the Jewel Monster), and was seeing everything from his POV. Sandman told me to jump up like he had, so I did-- but I jumped up about 60 feet instead. I was enjoying the view when I realized that there were kids inside the school building nearby, watching us curiously. Sandman did too, and said that I was going to be doing his job for him tonight (Apparently, in his world, he is not only well-known, but he is very popular and everyone looks forward to nighttime because of him). I then began to introduce myself, saying that my name was Justice and I was a Jewel Monster from THE Dream World (I seriously put emphasis on "the"-- because 'The Dream World' isn't a literal 'dreamworld,' it's an entire autonomous dimension). I then added that some of the kids there might have seen me before, or that they might have seen some other Jewel Monsters in dreams. I then named Preludove, Azurai, and Rosaka, and I think one other person, but the kids just seemed very confused so I stopped (apparently, I am indeed the only kid to have ever dreamed of them, haha). It was then that I said I'd get to work, and began 'painting' the scenery with night. It was incredibly fun, as it worked exactly as Sandman had demonstrated. I stopped halfway through, though, as I realized that everyone was mostly still awake, and I didn't want to put them all to sleep yet as it was quite early. So I stopped, leaving the world in a state of sunset twilight (which was very pretty). I then landed, and realized that some of the children from inside the school were coming out to talk to Sandman and me.

One of the kids knelt down on the pavement and began to scribble something on the ground with her fingers. I realized that she had some sort of finger paint with her, so I asked if I could use some and she said yes. I then took some of the red-brown paint and began to literally paint 'my' face on the pavement (Justice's face, technically). Surprisingly, it was a very close likeness for a dream (usually they say dream images were skewed, but everything here was incredibly accurate so far). I was painting the star on my forehead when someone called me from the top of the playground, so I got up and walked up there (I was now my normal self, not Justice). A girl was sitting there with several boxes of marshmallow Peeps, and immediately began ranting 'where do they get the nerve to do this' or something. I asked what she was talking about, and she explained that there was a rival 'Peeps' company who was making different animals out of the marshmallow, and she vehemently thought they should stop, as they were taking away from the appeal of the original by making it more 'commercial' or something. She said it just didn't feel right, and held up a box of the 'bogus' marshmallows to show me. Inside was a set of dark blue marshmallow bears, and a set of white marshmallow swans. I thought they looked pretty interesting (and were very well made), but the girl insisted 'see? It just doesn't feel right.' She then asked if I wanted one, and I pointed to a box of marshmallow doves beside her (they had little feathers and everything) and said 'those look pretty cool." The girl seemed highly offended at this, though, and instead shoved three normal blue marshmallow Peeps into my hand. I turned to leave, but some nearby kid grabbed one of them from me, squashed it, and gave it back. I found this very odd, so I turned back to the girl and offered her a chocolate I suddenly had, asking if I could trade that for a replacement Peep, as I planned to give them to my brothers (I can't eat sugar). She gave me a look, when suddenly her gaze turned to the sky. I turned back around as well, and noticed that there was a large red number display in the sky, counting down the time from about 6:37:40 (hours, minutes, seconds), which was the current time. Above the numbers, it said something like 'it's almost time to go to sleep!' or something, and I figured this was Sandman's doing, as everyone was still outside so he couldn't bring nighttime yet (as I had stopped for the same reason). I began to wonder where I should go, then, when the scene suddenly switched.

Now I was in a car, driving down the road from my house around the same time of day. The sign was still in the sky as far as I remember. However, once I got to the bridge connecting my road to the nearby town, I couldn't go any further as there were several cars blocking the road. I wondered what was going on, when I noticed that they were trying to 'capture' a large DBZ-style monkey (complete with Super Saiyan hair) that was trying to climb up a small mountain nearby (where a side road would have been in reality). I watched them for a minute or so before deciding they weren't going to move, so I drove around them. The road was now entirely different, though-- there was no bridge, only a winding road and an embankment up to my left. There were now several cars ahead of me. The one directly in front of me had a sort of display on top of it, showing several immodestly dressed women and (I think) one man. It looked like a carnival sign, though, and i wondered what the heck it was. Suddenly, the car turned up a side road and drove up to the top of the embankment, where a large whorehouse was situated. I stared at it for a second, wondering how the heck anyone could work for such a place, and then I began to wonder why the heck I was still there so I turned to leave. However, I left my car parked on the hill and walked down to a small 'farmers market'-like area nearby. I had barely begun to approach it when a woman looking at hanging rugs turned to me and began to talk in Spanish. A nearby man explained 'no habla Espanol,' and she repeated that back to him in a surprised (almost incredulous) manner. I embarrassedly repeated the explanation, before adding in English, "but one day I will," as I planned to learn the language for communication reasons. I then started to walk back towards my car but I couldn't find it.
I think it was right here that I woke up, actually-- and I woke up only about 30 minutes ago.

I intend to write Mr. Sandman into the same story I wrote Nicodemus into...

I know that I usually don't post this sort of thing in this journal, but I figured my Johnny page needs more love, so here we go.
Apparently, one of my friends on dA started a very interesting "100 picture" list. Why 'interesting,' you ask? Well, instead of listing random words, it listed 100 blank spaces... each to be filled with the name of one of your favorite songs.
Yep, I have to pick the 100 songs that mean the most to me and draw a picture for each of them. I hope I can do it; it would mean a lot to me..

Here, though, I want to give a brief explanation of why the listed songs mean what they do to me.
Even if I can't draw, I have treasured memories for each one, and that means just as much, if not more.

So, without further ado, here's the music!!

1 "LINK" (L'Arc~En~Ciel)
I've always associated this song with Chaos 0, even before I found out that the lyrics apply to 'us' shockingly well. "Even if we are far apart, our hearts are linked... even if a mischievous fate befalls us, the link won't break..." Seriously, even without being familiar with my jargon, you have to admit that's perfect. So, for me, this is his song. It's quite beautiful.
Random trivia... Hyde is one of the few vocalists I've heard with almost the exact voice I picture Chaos with.

2 "Big Julie" (Jarvis Cocker)
My theme song. It has an interesting history, too. On 031207, around 3AM, I woke up for no real reason and spontaneously decided to see what was on the radio. I tuned in to my favorite local college station, and there was some rock song finishing up... immediately after, this song started. The piano chords caught me immediately, but as the song progressed, I knew that I couldn't possibly let it go. I wrote down the chorus-- "big Julie rules the world"-- and looked it up the next morning. I found the artist, and bought the album a few days later. The lyrics apply to me more than I can say...

3 "Racing Green" (High Contrast)
This song is, quite literally, the auditory embodiment of a perfect summer day. It's fast, catchy, uplifting, and optimistic. It brings a smile to my face every time I hear it, and it never fails.

4 "Living" (Todd Rundgren)
This is the other song I associate with Chaos 0, but this time it's entirely because of the lyrics. Don't get me wrong, the song is absolutely gorgeous, but the words get me every time. "Fate is cruel; you're made a fool... and when I'm falling from grace, I look for comfort in your face. So look me straight into the eye, swear to God and tell me I'm not living a lie..."

5 "Sincerely" (Tsutchie)
I love this song to pieces. It's very simple, sure, but it's so darn happy! Every time I hear it, it just carries me away to a better place. It's the sound of optimism, of fluffy clouds and blue skies, of wide open meadows and the entire world open for me to explore.

6 "The Sound" (Orson)
I remember hunting this song down obsessively after I first heard it, finally managing to buy the actual CD it was on. It was worth it! The chorus is just amazing, and I love the lyrics.

7 "Northern Girl" (Orson)
When I first heard this song, I started to cry, because the lyrics fit my life all too well. They still do. It's an absolutely gorgeous song.

8 "H! VLTG3" (Linkin Park)
This song + sunny weather + sitting in a Starbucks parking lot = vo!t@ge. No kidding. As a result, this song means quite a lot to me. Also, it's addictive as heck.

9 "Easy To Please" (Coldplay)
This song will forever remind me of Dori. That's all I need to say.

10 "Lupinne" (The Drowners)
I first heard this song on my favorite college radio channel (yep, the same one i heard 'Big Julie' on), but I heard this one on a snowy afternoon in December 2005. I was drawing Hokthai at the time, when then this song came on and I was left speechless. Thank God I had a tape recording the entire time I drew, because I never heard the song again-- and I couldn't find the name OR lyrics to it anywhere. God works in funny ways, though-- last week, I randomly decided to look up the lyrics again, and I found it. It's still just as beautiful as the first time I heard it.

11 "Place" (Senri Manaka)
I find this song extremely calming. I don't even know how I came to like it so much-- one day, it just started playing through my head without warning, and after that, I couldn't stop listening to it.

12 "If You're Not The One [Dance Remix]" (Daniel Bedingfield)
When I was 12, I heard this remix on the radio and immediately thought of Bakura. I still do, really. It's a beautiful remix-- much better than the original, in my opinion-- and the lyrics actually work pretty darn well.

13 "Winter: Allegro non molto" (Antonio Vivaldi)
My brothers and I decided this was Marik's classical theme song a few years back, and it stuck. Honestly it's because of that awesome violin section-- you know what I mean!

14 "Hamburg Song" (Keane)
I empathize perfectly with this song.

15 "Jingle Jangle" (Hot Hot Heat)
Yet another song that I first heard on my local college radio channel! I remember how sad this song made me back in '05-- it still does; the lyrics are heartbreakingly sobering. It's a fantastic song.

16 "You Go To My Head" (Tony Bennett)
I'll admit it... I sing this song to Chaos a lot. I love him so much it's intoxicating. "And I find the very mention of you like the kicker in a julep or two..." yeah, pretty much.

17 "Can't Stop Now" (Keane)
I listened to this song a lot when Star Wars Episode 3 was released, so I associate this one with Grievous for some reason. Regardless, the lyrics mean a lot to me, and the song itself is beautiful.

18 "Meteor Herd- Space Trip Steps" (Hunnid-P)
This one has a long story behind it. My first time seeing Chaos in a videogame was the multiplayer in SA2B, and this was the stage I always played. Yeah, running around and exploring every inch of the place was fun enough, but I would always have Chaos climb to the absolute highest point on the map and stand there, looking out over the huge space station and the stars. Chaos' idle animation made it perfect. So hearing this song makes me think of him, and those little moments.

19 "What I Gotta Do" (Macy Gray)
I first heard this song entirely by chance on a cable R&B station, and as soon as it came on, I literally stopped whatever I was doing to just listen. It's gorgeous in every aspect. Macy has a wonderfully unique voice, and the song itself is richly constructed. One of my all-time faves, actually.

20 "Empty Streets" (Starsailor)
I just really like this one. I always picture Marik singing it, yeah, but it's just a lovely song in and of itself.

21 "Starlight" (Muse)
This is the song I currently associate with Marik. Not sure why, but the first time I heard it, it just clicked. I consider Marik my 'shining star' too, so it works.

22 "Hard To Beat" (Hard-Fi)
This song is incredibly catchy, has a great sound, and applies to my relationships. It wins!

23 "Anna Molly" (Incubus)
Yet another great story behind this one. I first heard it when trying to fall asleep one night with the radio on. I never listen to the radio, so I got lucky! I loved it immediately and looked up the lyrics the next day, then bought the album as soon as I could. I then listened to the album on loop during a class trip to NYC, so that was great.

24 "The Big Jump" (Angelo Carter)
This song is just really cool. It sounds very hopeful to me, like smiling and knowing things will get better. Plus that organ solo is awesome!

25 "Hit The Road" (Angelo Carter)
Three words: Law Of Talos. That's why!

26 "The Color of Jade" (Uyama Hiroto)
I never really paid much attention to this song until one day, when driving home from University, it began to rain while the sun was shining and this song was playing. I then proceeded to 'invent' three separate sets of lyrics for it off the top of my head, haha. It's a lovely piece, though.

27 "Shoot Me Down" (Boy Kill Boy)
This song is beautifully sad. It has a feeling of regretful sadness to it, and it applies far too well to my life. It reminds me of what I've gone through in the past, and so I listen to it whenever I feel lost too. "It's hard to say how I fit in the line; I lost my way, lost my way, my own mind."

28 "Love of The Common Man" (Todd Rundgren)
The a cappella version of this is the best thing. Either way, it's a brilliant song, and despite its softly sad undertones I can't ever be upset when listening to it. Everyone needs love, and we can't ignore that, or put it off. I'd say this song really fits me. "But it won't take long to turn your head around. Too late tomorrow, 'cause everyone needs the love of the common man."

29 "Know Thyself!" (SEGA)
My muse's theme song. It's a driving, orchestral anthem that rings with determined energy-- the perfect music for the penultimate boss! I'm almost glad this didn't get put in the game, because now I can imagine whatever I like to go with it. It's just that awesome.

30 "Can't Smile Without You" (Barry Manilow)
This was my absolute favorite song as a child. Not only is the lilting melody simply lovely, but the lyrics are completely true in their empathy. In a weird way I think I have this song to thank for how I view relationships-- it kept me from ever treating them lightly. "You see I feel sad when you're sad, I feel glad when you're glad. If you only knew what I'm going through, I just can't smile without you."

31 "Xenon" (Tomoyuki Uchida)
This song is so catchy! I first heard it in a Newgrounds flash and immediately went and got a copy of it. It makes me think of fast-paced futuristic cities and bright horizons. Kind of like Sonic! But its impossible to be in a bad mood when listening to this song, as it just picks you right up and makes you want to start running free too.

32 "Celebi's Revival" (Pokemon)
You all know how much I love Celebi, so this one's a no-brainer. It's an absolutely beautiful piece of music and it captures the peaceful but victorious joy of this song perfectly. The Pokemon soundtracks always have gorgeous music and this is no exception!

33 "Ink" (Cubbiebear)
This song is pretty much the story of my life. I don't remember how I found it, but I swear, it is talking about me. It has an almost frantic but understated burn, like running through city streets at 2AM, and although some parts scream with purpose, the song never loses its haunting purpose. "My anxiety forces lying sprees to cover up who I am, 'cause I don't lie to others just myself I don't feel like a real man. I got youth problems, I'm stubborn, I try to fit in other people's molds, to the point I can't be myself and every love I felt feels old..."

34 "Difficult To Say" (Eriko Imura)
Ah, Klonoa. That game will never ever get old to me, and this song captures the sound of why. It's short and sweet, but there is such a deep nostalgic sorrow to its echoes. Plus, if you've ever played the game, then you know when you first hear this song... I won't ever forget that last adventure either.

35 "Emily's Smile" (Commix)
I first learned of this song through a 'Metal Gear' spoof, but hey, they say God works in some pretty mysterious ways. As soon as I heard that ringing bass, I was caught! Seriously, get in your car, put this on, and just sit back. There's a sort of magic in this song and I just love it.

36 "Gran Torino" (Jamie Cullum)
I've never seen this movie, but as soon as I heard this version of the theme, I couldn't stop listening to it. It's delicate and sad, but so beautiful, like snowflakes or falling leaves. "Gentle now a tender breeze blows, whispers through the Gran Torino, whistling another tired song."

37 "All These Things That I've Done" (The Killers)
I love this song so much. I don't know how to explain the feeling it gives me, but it feels like redemption and damnation and heartbroken resolve all at the same time. "I wanna stand up, I wanna let go. You know, you know - no you don't, you don't. I wanna shine on in the hearts of men, I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand." It's like an anthem for my life, almost.

38 "This River Is Wild" (The Killers)
For some reason this song tends to bring me to tears. To me, it sounds like looking back on a life lived too quickly, never really realizing what you had until it was gone... and trying to help others after you notice that beauty before they're too far gone themselves. "Or should I get along with myself? I never did get along with everybody else. I've been trying hard to do whats right. But you know I could stay here all night..."

39 "The World We Live In" (The Killers)
I really like the sound of this one. I like the concept even more though. It's the song of someone who has seen too much but who still hasn't lost hope, and won't stop smiling even in the bad times. "This is the world that we live in, I can't take blame for two. This is the world that we live in, and maybe we'll make it through."

40 "You Only Live Twice" (John Barry)
Yes, this is a James Bond ending theme, but it's lovely. I love that weird buzzing melody in there, and the deep string section in the back, but the strange progression of chords is what I like best. It feels almost dreamlike, which is perfect. "You only live twice, or so it seems. One for yourself and one for your dreams." How true!

41 "I'm Shakin'" (Rooney)
This song has quite a fun history. I first heard it on the radio while doing homework one night, and actually had to stop for a few minutes because this song was so great! Yes, the lyrics can be disconcerting, but the upbeat mood of the song is a strangely fitting compliment. "I'm supposed to feel better, this nightmare is supposed to end. I am holding on, I am holding on..."

42 "Brothers Forever..." (Jimmy Theed)
Oh how I love this song. It's incredibly sad, to the point where it can completely flip your mood around to match. It's actually a funeral piece, so that is to be expected, but really-- it is heartwrenching. And despite its somber, sorrowful tones, it really is a beautiful song.

43 "Almost Forgot Myself" (The Doves)
This song makes me think of Selph for some reason, probably because of his past. It's terribly sad but the mood is still glowy, and the piano/organ parts are just beautiful. It's broken but it's still trying to look up. "So close, you're wasted again. I know, somehow, I lost myself again..."

44 "Micro Cuts" (Muse)
I absolutely adore Matthew Bellamy's falsetto--it's absolutely brilliant-- and this song shows it off better than anything. This song shivers with a crazy energy and haunts you for hours... but it also has some amazing (and very personally symbolic) lyrics: "I've seen what you're doing to me; destroying puppet strings to our souls!"

45 "Chip Off The Block" (Ima Robot)
This song really resonates with me. I find it terribly sad, but it also makes me think. "Your life's a waste like mine, I know you don't care at all. But what if right before the end we quit? Now why don't we just stop before we die?" I don't know what else I could say about it, but it means a lot to me.

46 "12=3" (Ima Robot)
I first found this song on 052508, literally while I was writing a very stressed-out IJ entry. It's not only fantastically energetic and catchy, but the lyrics are freaking brilliant... "A line around gravity, spiritual individual, corrosion and humanity-- the mathematics of love and the science of sanity!" It's one of those songs I never get tired of.

47 "Influtusa" (Erast)
For some reason, this is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I found it through one of my obsessive cyberpunk searches, and I am eternally glad I did. It's instrumental, sure, but it fills my head with echoes better than any other song has ever done...

48 "Original Of The Species" (U2)
Celebi's song. No lie! I first heard this song during a Celebi obsession phase, and for some reason I just linked the two together. The orchestration is beautiful, and it rings in my head for hours... I love the lyrics to pieces, though. "Please stay a child somewhere in your heart!"

49 "Left Behind" (Aqualung)
I actually first heard this song on my workplace radio station, and for 3 years I thought it was U2-- so, for 3 years, I couldn't find it! I finally got it late last year, and I love it. What completely caught me when I first heard it, though, were the lyrics-- "Why are you leaving me now? There must be some doubt in your mind. Can't you open your heart? Don't want to be left behind..."

50 "Black And White Town" (The Doves)
I got this song off my brother's old file-sharing program in 07, as I had just discovered the Doves and wanted an idea of what the rest of their music sounded like (this was before I had iTunes). Well, I found this one at random, and when I hit play-- no lie-- my eyes watered up. It was that freaking beautiful. I love the lyrics as well: "Here comes the action, here it comes at last. Lord, give me reaction... Lord, give me your chance." Also, random trivia, I loop this song whenever I play Sonic 360. It fits Soleanna perfectly, haha! To this day, I can't get enough of it.

51 "Ao no Ether" (Megumi Nakajima)
This song is both very beautiful and very sad, both in the sound and the lyrics. Megumi has a gorgeous voice, and it rings over the quiet melody like sunlight in the rain. I absolutely love this song, and listen to it all the time when the day gets dark. I usually end up lost in it.

52 "The King" (Hard-Fi)
This song will forever make me think of my sister. That's all I can say about it. I hope that you found love...

53 "Doctor Wu" (Steely Dan)
I've been a fan of this group since my childhood, and this is my favorite song of theirs. I like the style of it, and I love the chords at the end of each verse. It's just lovely! "All night long we would sing that stupid song, and every word we sang I knew was true." Plus Donald Fagen has a great voice and I always enjoy hearing him sing, so bonus points there.

54 "Mister Blue Sky" (Electric Light Orchestra)
This song should NOT be #54, but at least it's on the list! Honestly, as a kid, this was my all-time favorite song, hands down. It's still in my top 5 to this day. Also, to quote a fellow listener on last.fm-- this song "nullifies road rage." Heck, it nullifies any and every bad mood, ever. Lastly, this song inspired the creation of dark-velox's character of the same name, which gives ELO a huge amount of bonus points. As the song says, "Hey there Mister Blue, we're so pleased to be with you!"

55 "Bluebird" (Electric Light Orchestra)
The day I got ELO's Secret Messages album, where this is from, I put it on my portable CD player and walked around outside listening to it. When the chorus for this song came on, I stopped dead, completely fascinated by the sound of it. "It makes me feel so sad to think what I might've had..." It baffles me how this song isn't more well-known, because it is amazing.

56 "Move On Now" (Hard-Fi)
Hard-Fi isn't known for their quiet songs, but this one deserves definite recognition. It is perfect early-morning music, sounding like a lonely sunrise or a cold starry night. The sparse instruments and delicateness of the vocals combine to make an absolute little gem that I will never tire of. "Red light blinking in the twilight, tracing out a path right out of here and now..."

57 "All Star" (Smash Mouth)
"Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed!" Put quite simply, this song is not only freaking awesome and feel-good, but it was the second track on the metaphoric OST of my childhood (Bluesky was #1!). Seriously. As a result, I love it.

58 "Allegro ma non tanto" (Sergei Rachmaninoff)
You heard me, Rachmaninoff is on this list. Get the song, listen from 3:54 to 6:27, and tell me that's not absolutely gorgeous. You can't. Bonus trivia, I had this song on loop for hours as I was coloring/ drawing the last three Puremaren. It's that good.

59 "Face To Face" (Daft Punk)
The sounds in this one are delicious. Really, listen to the electronic awesomeness in this song! The vocal snippets and guitar-like accents just sound so great together. "It's amazing what you'll find face to face!" It makes you want to get up and dance!

60 "Love of the Loveless" (The Eels)
I have to thank my old friend TwistedSmile for introducing me to this one. I used "loving the loveless" as my personal quote for a while without knowing this song existed, but after he told me about it, I temporarily adopted it as a theme song of sorts. "If there's a god up there, something above, God shine your light down here. Shine on the love." Hey, it fits me pretty darn well!

61 "Peace and Tranquility" (ABC)
This song is lovely and fits its title quite well. It has this wonderfully happy sparkle to it, but it's still peaceful. Kind of like smiling at a clear sky. And thanks to the lyrics, it also reminds me of Chaos, ironically enough. "I find my smile with you in the vicinity. It drives me wild; I'm thankful for the world you give me." I'll be your peace if you'll be mine!

62 "The Moment I Said It" (Imogen Heap)
This song makes me think of my Oneircia series. Not only did I listen to Imogen Heap on loop the entire time I was finishing the core plot development last year, but I never realized just how fitting the song was to the story. It's haunting, oddly unsettling, and sounds totally otherworldly. And the lyrics go without saying: "Now sleep, I promise, it'll all seem better somehow, in time..."

63 "Oracion" (Shinji Miyazaki)
Probably the most easily understandable reason why I will always love Pokemon. This song is 3 minutes of pure beauty. I'm one of many Pokemon fans to admit that they got teary-eyed when they first heard this piece in the 10th movie, and once you've heard this song, you will understand exactly why.

64 "The Whole New World" (Phantasy Star Online)
I have dubbed this song my musical drug, as I literally get shivers every time i listen to it. I first heard it in 2004 (shortly after I was introduced to NiGHTS), and it literally blew me away. I thought it was one of the most beautiful songs I'd ever heard-- I once played it on loop for about 3 hours on a car trip, nowhere to lie. The orchestration is gorgeous, and it's deservingly one of my all-time favorite songs.

65 "SONIC DRIVE!" (Sonic X)
Classic. I cannot listen to this song without immediately grinning like a maniac and bursting into song-- because yes, I actually memorized the Japanese lyrics to it because why not? It's stupidly awesome and upbeat, and can lift my mood immediately on any down day. Throw away the boredom, and just start running!!

66 "Surrender" (Billy Talent)
I'm used to unrequited love, and this song sums it up. There's a certain girl I loved in my childhood, but she was one of my closest friends and I knew that was all I ever had a chance of being. "She'll never know how much she means to me, I'd play the game but I'm the referee." To this day I'm still wishing I could tell her.

67 "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" (Kenny G)
There is a very significant and strange reason why this specific song is on this list. Around Christmas of 2005, I was sitting on the living room couch just listening to it on loop-- this arrangement is simply stunning-- and suddenly a huge Dream World plot twist went down. So it is permanently tied to that event for me, but even standing alone, this is the best version of this song I have ever heard.

68 "Pokemon World" (Youngstown)
Yeah. I still love this song. It's too freaking catchy.

69 "Amrita" (Yui Makino)
This song is beautiful enough on its own, but it has a flipside: back when I used to fill out music memes, this one got tagged to Chaos and I. So I looked up the lyrics... and they fit us far too well. "When the silver rain falls, think of it as me..." Needless to say, this song means more to me than it seems.

70 "Hide In Your Shell" (Supertramp)
This was another one of my favorite songs as a child. Once again, the lyrics are absolutely brilliant, but what I love most about this song is how the chorus sounds in comparison to the rest of it. It absolutely soars! "Well, let me show you the nearest signpost to get your heart back and on the road!" Sometimes it even brings me to tears with how beautiful it sounds in its own way, I'll admit that.

71 "When We Reach You ~ Could It Be Right?" (Sonic CD)
Honestly, I love this song. That fact is made even truer by the fact that whoever sings the opening sounds almost exactly like Chaos Zero. I'm serious. But either way, this song is too awesome not to love. It's upbeat, energizing, and has a great melody. Sonic music is always brilliant!

72 "Jojoushi" (L'Arc~En~Ciel)
I cannot describe how much I love this song. The melody is perfect, it really is... but the lyrics hurt. Why? Because thanks to them, I consider this song to be the 'theme' for Chaos and I. "If this is just a dream, then let it be a dream. I don't care. My heart, filled with loving radiance, is forever thinking of you..."

73 "Mezase Pokemon Master" (Rica Matsumoto)
Oh what memories this song has! I first found it as a file titled "japtheme.mp3" on an old Geocities Pokemon site, and as soon as I heard it, it became my favorite song for several years. I didn't think theme songs could be so awesome! To this day, this song makes me think of Pokemon's glory days around the turn of the century, and how much it brightened my life then.

74 "Singin' In The Rain" (Mint Royale)
I can't remember how I found this song either, but I was hooked immediately. It's one of those songs that is just so ridiculously happy that you can't sit still when listening to it. The fact that it's a dance remix of an old classic is even better!

75 "Love At First Sight" (Kylie Minogue)
I heard this song in a Newgrounds flash on Valentine's day, and it immediately became one of my faves. I absolutely love the idea behind the lyrics, sure, but the sound is what takes the cake. It's so freaking sparkly, with a great rhythm, and Kylie's voice is adorable. Love at first listen is more like it!

That's all for now!

Have a happy late new year, my dear friends. I felt like typing, so here you go.

I saw Watchmen twice already this week… would have been three times had I worked up the nerve to go on Tuesday.
Regardless… I was surprised.
Not at the translation to the silver screen, not at the casting, not at the special effects…but at my reaction.

I broke down and sobbed when Rorschach died in the novel. I’ll admit that.
It’s cruelly hard for me to cry unless something catches me off guard, you know. I knew he was going to die, but I didn’t expect him to go out like a martyr… for him to go out like I want to.
That gave him solid honorary hero status in my heart, as if his empathetically sad past and sadly twisted want for justice weren’t enough for me to love the guy already.

Then the question hit me.
I know he dies at the end… I’ve read the book many times already, and I’ve reviewed the scene in my mind on just as many occasions.
And yet, how will it be in the theater? Will it hurt more? Will it hurt less? Will I still cry? Will I still care?

When Rorschach declared to the world watching him that he would never compromise, I was surprised to feel sheer panic surge through my chest. I knew what was about to happen, but that didn’t mean I wanted it to happen.
He stepped outside and Manhattan followed… I remembered my naïve little prayer from July. Don’t kill Rorschach, please…
I was soft then… still a kid. I hadn’t donned my own inkface at that time.
But now, in March 2009, even though I’m now as much a broken vigilante as he is, I felt that unadulterated pain again as he stepped into the snow.

His eyes broke my heart.
The moment he took off that mask and I saw the tears on his uncompromising face, I swear my expression must have matched his.
In those last moments onscreen, I felt the exact same fear, panic, desperation, and empathy that I did on that night back in July.
Who am I kidding? I felt love, damn it. In spite of my hard exterior and hidden face, I loved that broken hero, but hearing his voice break like that just tore me apart.

The snow turned red.
Nite Owl screamed what I was secretly feeling.

The panic was gone, replaced by a helpless emptiness.
I couldn’t have saved him. I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it.
I didn’t even know if stepping in front of my fedora-donning friend would have been for the better, and that left me feeling sick and weak.
I hate feeling weak.

The credits rolled on my redhead’s words and I watched for Jackie’s name in the lineup.
I swear, that man is such a sweetheart… there’s an unmistakable softness in his face that transferred to Rorschach in an absolutely incomparable way.
No one could have played the part better.

I picked up my battered hat and swung my coat around my shoulders, giving a vague silhouette of my favorite twisted hero.
If anyone had glanced upon my face on Monday, I don’t know what they would have seen… maybe nothing, maybe everything.
I drove home in the dark and every song mourned Antarctica. My voice shattered like snowflakes when I tried to join them.

I pulled into my driveway and two tears fell from my tired eyes.
Took long enough.

Wednesday was different.
The emptiness lingered.
I tried to cry again… tried to get the empathy to burn a little more, but I couldn’t do it.
The terrible sorrow that hits you the first time quickly turns into a terrible ache.

Still, every time I see his green eyes fill with tears, my own do the same.

And yet it means so much to me that we both can still feel.

Hm.

Have you ever admired someone from afar?
Have you ever followed someone like a shadow, never letting them know you were there, but always looking up to them?

Have you ever been completely caught by the anonymous words of a face you've never seen?
Have you ever been captivated by a face in a photograph you've only seen once?

Have you ever woken up, tried to find that person again, and realized that they were gone?

What would you do, if you learned that the soul you loved from afar had disappeared without ever knowing you cared?

It may sound stupid, even somewhat cliched, but it's happened to me twice within two months.

I mean, geez. I'm fighting Julie, I'm battling some seriously destructive impulses, my mother had an emotional breakdown recently, two of my immediate family members are battling skin cancer, my father won't pay child support, we're running out of money, I might have to drop out of college... and now, without any warning at all, I lose BOTH of the girls that have been keeping me relatively stable.

My life's hard enough without my heart being metaphorically shot up with fluoroantimonic acid, thank you very much...

…

It almost feels wrong.

She’s not mine.
She belongs to someone else, and she’s happy.

She’ll never be mine, and I don’t want her to be.

So what the heck am I doing?

What am I talking about?
Why do I find people that I’ll never meet?
Why do I love people that I never want to be with?
Why do I care about people that I am invisible to?

And yet I still linger here, ageless, alone.
Watching as always.

They left dA.
Everything gone.
The photograph that caught me in this crystal spiderweb… gone.

I have it.

For some crazy, desperate, selfish reason, I have it.
I shouldn’t.
It was never mine to begin with

And yet I’m the only one who can see her now.

I swear, I have no idea what I’m doing.

The music that she listens to echoes through my mind.
I steal her visions and hold the negatives up to my own eyes

Hoping to see something anything that will answer my question.

I don’t want to be with anyone
I don’t want to be anyone’s everything
I don’t want these sort of connections
I don’t want people like that
I don’t feel desire
I don’t fit with the rest of society

I don’t belong to her

I don’t know her.

so why do I love her?

Still stuck in a loop, that I am.
This is making me sick. I'm so tired of coming on here and complaining, but for the love of sanity, I need to say this somehow.

I try ridiculously hard to live right and improve who I am, you know. Ironically, that's almost impossible in my current state of affairs, so I always end up taking one step forward and twelve steps back. I'm completely lost again, and it's not even a good kind of lost.

So I'm still lost...
Still scrounging money together for college...
Still panicking because my job just CUT MAJOR HOURS because of 'slow business,' so now I'm only getting about $75 a week...
Still wondering how in the world I'm going to find another job to fit in my schedule...
Still worrying myself sick over how I'm going to support myself and an apartment/ dorm/ whatever as soon as I get out of here...
And that's not even half of it!

On top of all that, I've been bingeing, abusing, and not getting much sleep. What a selfish moron I've turned into, huh?
I really make myself sick nowadays.

My mother apparently found a psychologist in the area who is "brutally no-nonsense" in her ways of dealing with patients.
On one hand, I don't want to see her because I already know I'm a simpering jerk most of the time, and having yet another person tell me that to my face isn't going to help much of anything except self-loathing.
On the other hand, she might remind me of Laurie. Unfortunately, psychologists aren't allowed to become emotionally mixed up with patients, so no therapist is ever going to be 100% Laurie... but hey. I seem to be looking for even more stress and pain than ever nowadays, so it might help.

About that stupid addiction of mine... well, it's a Johnny thing. A simple "re-routing" so to speak.
I'm actually looking for energy... for some sort of physical exertion or excitement that will make me feel like I'm actually doing something productive.
Despite my silent and rather introverted persona, my personality hasn't changed since I was about 6 years old, no kidding.
In photos and memories from back then, I was a terribly energetic, don't-hold-me-back, creatively overloaded spitfire that ran instead of walked and spent 80% of her time drawing.
Inside, I'm still that crazy kid. I'm still addicted to energy and activity, I need freedom, I'm still bursting with ideas and I still hate staying in one spot for too long.
Unfortunately, now I have no outlets. I'm no longer a kid... I don't get those exceptions and allowances anymore.
Now, I constantly feel as if I'm about to explode. I'm horribly stressed out because I feel like my life is passing me by and I'm not doing anything-- so stressed, that it drives me to tears almost daily now.
I've become so desperate for some sort of agitation that I keep slipping back into the childhood self-abuse phase. I don't want to, but those lyrics still ring inescapably true... I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I spent about 30 solid minutes today just apologizing to the man upstairs and practically begging for some clarity, some extra bit of guidance to help me realize what the hell I should be doing instead of just sitting around and wishing for tomorrow.

And I still have that painfully debilitating problem where I'm afraid to get close to people I admire/ care about!
I'm sick of that, too. Even now that I actually have a CHANCE to make connections with the people I look up to, I hesitate.
I'm going to lose them, all of them, and then what good is my fear going to do anyone?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

All this introspection has also made me realize a little something.
You know how I'm constantly getting deeply attached to all these 'fictional' characters? Chaos, Davy, Rorschach, Johnny C...
It seems to me that I see quite a few of them as having a terrible but vital part of my personality.
Let's run down the list, shall we?
Bakura has my fear of getting close to people because of my 'darker' traits.
Marik has my sometimes-destructive need to have some huge significance in life.
Chaos has my 'Perfection' curse.
Selph has my vivid fear of being forgotten.
Davy has my lingering heartache from always losing the people I love dearly.
Barry has my obsessively destructive habits.
Johnny has my self-loathing, my internal conflicts, and my 'lost creativity' problem.
Rorschach has my retributivism tendencies.
And you know who else is on this crazy list?
Mister freaking Bluesky.
I'm a reckless wanderer at heart. I hate virtually nothing, and lets face it-- if you knew me back before late 2007, you'd remember that I was a major optimist and always seemed to cheer people up.
Unfortunately, after a sudden and unexpected run-in with some traumatic inner conflicts and family issues, my sky's been pretty overcast. But I hate letting people know that! I just smile and live my life anyway.
Man. I'm sorry, Velox, but when it comes to our dear Bluesky I have one word to say-- empathy.

But now I'm getting off topic.

I'm still stuck in a loop.
Sure, I've taken a hammer to it, but I swear... if I end up taking one more backwards step, I'm going to snap.

Here's to a brighter future, I guess.

For an answer, that is.

I apologize for not having been around (as if anyone reads this, aha)... but life's been maddening as usual.

I don't want to rant about it all, but let me just say that I'm still having problems with people accepting my bizarre identity (asexual neutrois, in case you're a new reader), and I'm still having far too many Julie problems.

I've been listening to a great deal of Japanese hip-hop (Nujabes, Nomak, Tsutchie) lately. Good stuff.

I've also been buying a ton of Celebi stuff online. Celebi is, to me, a literal personification of the joy, wonder, and freedom of my youth. Not only that, but she was also my persona when I was 11 and I loved her to pieces. I still do.

Laurie's been bleeding for weeks. I'm scared to death. She says she's dying, and I believe her.
It's been 4 days since Julie last abused me, and God help me but I plan to hold out for the next 17 days this time (I once heard that, if you can do something for 21 straight days, it will become a habit). I've been trying to do that since last January, and haven't succeeded yet... it hurts. It really does. I feel like a total failure.

Regardless, I need to post some more art/ writing/ photos/ music? (I have Flash and FL, it could happen) whatever on this account. You might even see some bloody Dream World stuff on here, because that series gets pretty damn scary at times, and that's the sort of thing I keep wanting to draw for some reason.
Still, I like this account very much, maybe even more than my default one.

I'm getting off-topic now, though, and I have a report to finish for tomorrow so that's top priority.

See you around, space cowboys.

So I'm listening to "Rise Again" by Danny Byrd and trying to pretend that it's going to be okay...

...It's not working.

I apologize in advance for this. I was sincerely trying to keep my mouth shut about my personal problems this month, but tonight just broke all the rules.
Right now, you guys-- my close friends over the phone lines-- are the only people I trust enough to talk to.
That's pretty saddening, considering that my own family is not included in that group.

Well, here we go... February 2009.

I don't remember much of 2009 so far, which may or may not be a good thing. It's been rough as usual, though.
Regardless, February started out well. As my last entry implied, that evening I found out that =ArtisticDuality had just posted my Selph request. So that brightened things up for me.

From the 2nd to the 6th, I was going crazy over the Escape from Nevara OCT that's about to begin... awesome stuff. I'm very excited as many of my favorite artists are in it, so I spent a good deal of time acquainting myself with their OC entrants.

Unfortunately, on the night of the 6th... I got terribly sick.
So from Friday night up to this moment, I've been sick. It's not fun. That's not what's bugging me, though.

...Well.

In early October of last year, my mother apparently picked up on my bizarre sexual orientation.
She wasn't happy, to say the least.
That day wasn't that bad, though. Sure, my mother was ticked off and my grandmother ignored me for a while, but they didn't make much of a fuss... they just joked about it and acted like I was making this up for attention or something.
Unfortunately, I've been like this since my childhood and they just noticed now.
Apparently they've finally realized this.

This afternoon, I got home from class and was feeling terribly sick again. I mentioned this to my mother, but she didn't want to hear it. I completely forget what happened then, honestly.... but the next thing I remember is my grandmother literally clawing at my stomach, trying to literally tear off my binders.
I have no idea why that happened, let alone why now... but I told her that I refused to take them off (deeply important personal reasons, mind you) and she practically exploded with rage. Then my mother did the same thing, and after escaping from a volley of insults, accusations, and blows, I basically had to lock myself in the shower and try to talk myself down for the next hour, all while they're out screaming and cussing in the hallway.
It was bad, to say the least.

My grandmother's bedroom is separated from the shower room by a single wall, so I could hear her and my mother talking in there while I tried unsuccessfully to calm down.
There were the typical "she's psychotic and she should be locked away for good" threats, the usual "we should send her off to live with her father because they're both filthy pigs" threat, the "Why did I get stuck with children who are insane" complaint, the "I refuse to keep her in this house any longer" exclamation... I'm used to hearing every one of those, which is kind of sick.
It also didn't help that, the entire time, they continued to shoot down and insult the problem that caused this entire outburst... the fact that I'm an asexual/antisexual neutrois... and that I want surgery for it. Thank God that's all they've found out about me...

Regardless, I'm scared.
This keeps happening. I tried to keep my orientation under wraps for ages, but apparently the secret got out, so for the past 4 months I've been living in constant panic and uncertainty, not knowing if tomorrow is the day I'm going to come home and be the victim of some sort of 'retaliation'... don't know if I'm going to be kicked out of the house for good, don't know if I'm going to have my related possessions (binders, men's outfits, etc) destroyed... heck, I have to literally make my next haircut appointment in secret because, although my family likes me with shorter hair, I'd like it to look as androgynous as I can pull off, and my parents might finally ostracize me if they knew that I was still going to lengths to preserve my 'unacceptable' identity here.
I'm so scared about my surgery, though.
I'm going to have to wait until I'm living on my own, however long that takes... I've accepted that now, regardless of how it eats at me. I'll have to go through the entire long and tedious process of medical recommendations and evaluations and bills and recovery times and God knows what else on my own.
That's life, though. When you're radically different than the societal norm in an aspect like this, you're virtually always on your own in that respect.

Speaking of, I have no choice but to start maxing out my working hours during the week... attending gym in the morning, and then squeezing in 3-hour minishifts after class.
I need money, and not just for surgery down the road... if the hostility in my house continues, I'm going to have to move out. I'm already 18, and I get more than enough reminders of how my family isn't legally required to support me at all now that I'm an adult.
If I end up having to pay for my own apartment, gas money, food, college tuition, bills, you name it... geez, I don't know if I can. I doubt it, but I'll try.
See, this is why I'm so desperate to get commissions up and running, and why I am eternally thankful for Jacob and Jimmy and their generosity so far.
Man, I cannot ever take any of you for granted... but that is an entirely seperate rant, not to mention one that will literally take hours to explain fully.
But even so... I was never taught how to fend for myself in the world, or how to handle my own responsibilities. Even to this day it's difficult to get some instruction from my family. "I had to learn everything on my own, so why can't you?"
But that's another story, too...

Dear heavens.
I've been shot down and insulted for my orientation before, but this?

It's rough growing up as a girl when you can't experience sexual attraction.
Second grade, the invasion of N*SYNC and Hanson and Backstreet and all that jazz... and then me, seven years old, sitting alone in the back of the classroom, disgusted at how my classmates could be swooning over men at their age. I kid you not.
Fast forward to eigth grade, I'm 13... the same girls (including my boy-crazy best friend) were then obsessed Dainiel Radcliffe and Hayden Christenson and Orlando Bloom.... man oh man. They're all wondering why the heck I won't stop talking about Sonic Adventure and pay attention to 'hot guys'.
...WELL.
I work differently, m'dears.
Regardless, it's not just simple observations. Since I was a kid I've been actively shunned, insulted, and excluded because I am not only uninterested in men or women, but I've never fit the female ideals society has tried to throw on me.
I had one friend in elementary school (thank God she's stayed with me until today; I'm terribly thankful for her), and none in high school. I currently have only about 4 'passing acquaintances' in college.
Thank God there's a GLBTQ group on campus, because even though I'm still an extreme minority there, they at least know what I'm going through and accept me as a member without commenting on what an alleged mental screwup I am, unlike my family.

The insanity in my house happened about 3 hours ago.
My grandmother walked out of her room a few minutes ago, saw me in the hallway, and immediately started to rant about how I'm a 'demon' with 'demonic eyes' and all that nonsense... stormed back down to her room while raging on about how she doesn't even want to look at me.
I hope she's over this by 11PM, or I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. Oh well.

One thought crossed my mind while I was going through all that... I have no idea if this is affecting my brothers or not.
Chris would probably be the most accepting, but I don't know if my little brothers are even fazed by all this. I hope not, honestly. Thank God my mother gets over her grudges against me quickly.
...I'm just so glad that my beloved little sister doesn't live in this house.
Thank you God.

Sorry about all this, kids. I just needed to get that off my chest, as I don't know who else to turn to at this point.
I apologize if any of you are... I don't know, homophobic to the point where an extremist asexual will offend you. I'm sorry if you are, as I don't mean to offend.
This probably sounds mentally screwed up as fish to a good deal of you, too, and I'm sorry if you think so. Some people are just wired differently is all.
God makes no mistakes.
We are all exactly how we are for a reason.
It's hard to come to terms with sometimes, especially with ourselves, but it has helped me through some seriously tough times.

I wish the world could think like that, though.

-spcn

We used to say that life was waiting just outside the door
Waiting down the road and standing by the cornerstore
But they never believed us
Until we brought it home

I used to keep all of my memories in a paper cup
Used to say that life was lovely, everything was looking up
I took it all for granted and I lost it
When they knocked it over

Bells are ringing
But I can't hear them anymore
This tower's falling down around me
I'm burning all to pieces

I used to know a girl that looked just like the city rain
Her eyes would shine just like the streetlights and reflected all my pain
It's such a shame I only knew her in a photograph
I want to see her smile

They used to spend their time out sitting by the wishing well
Praying for a miracle to save them from their hell
There was a night when everything was lit by shooting stars
They never came back home

Sky is falling
But I can't see it anymore
This ocean's burning up around me
I'm being torn to pieces

Father, can't you give me an answer
I just want an answer
I'm sick of all the questions invading my eyes
I never had a direction
Can I have some direction?
I'm sick of all these blue-shifting lies

New beginnings
But you don't know me anymore
The sun is shining all around us
I can't pick up the pieces

Father, can't you give me an answer
I just want an answer
I'm sick of all the questions invading my eyes
I never had a direction
Can I have some direction?
I'm sick of all these blue-shifting lies

Father, can't you give us an answer
We just need an answer
We're sick of all the fighting and all of the lies
I never had a direction
Can I have some direction?
I'm sick of all these tears in my eyes

This life is falling down around me...

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (CANNON)

Somewhere.

Yeah, that's how I feel right now.

What's up? Feeling down?

As usual, yes, and you know why.

Ahaha, guilt trip from being such a whore, I guess.

That and being a slacker. A selfish slacker, no less.

A selfish slacker who doesn't know what the heck "self control" means.

Hey, I'm trying, okay? It's not easy.

Says you.

It's not.

Don't give me that. You're just being lazy.

You think so?

Ignorant.

...Maybe you're right.

Don't give me 'maybe' either. I am right. So I heard you betrayed Selph the other day?

...

Heartless hypocrite.

I know, believe me but I know... I love him so much it hurts, and then I... seriously, Laur, I don't know what's gone wrong with me.

A lot, J. A hell of a lot.

You can say that again.

Vanilla Naivete.

What?

Vanilla. Your sister. I saw that smile when you noticed the upload.

...Why, is that a problem?

I just don't get how you can run all your life, and yet spend so much of that time trying desperately to find someone again. I thought you were running away from all of them, not towards them.

I... well, I was. I am. I just miss her too much.

Stay away.

What?

Stay away from her. In your current condition, you'd kill her or maim her or some equally fatal thing, and you know it. Forget Midas, you have the Thanatos touch, you whore.

Stop calling me that.

I'll stop calling you that when Julie stops raping you.

Hey, that was uncalled for--

You're what's uncalled for, J. Not me. I'm here because you want me here. This pitiful excuse for a human being that you've turned into was nobody's choice, and it sure wasn't what I wanted from you.

You're angry?

What the hell do you think? Shape up or ship out, that's what I told you! And what did you do? You threw that right back in my face, you whore. Said it was 'too tough.' Said it was 'undeserved.' And now look at you! You're being violated by that pigtailed slut every time you close your eyes! Listen to me. Either you stop being such an idiot and get to work for once, or I am not only going to disown you but I am going to have my way with your freaking mess of a physical body, and you know what I mean by that.

You'll cut me to ribbons.

Better than that, Jewel. I'll flat-out kill you.

Yeah, I figured that. I have to say I deserve it at this point.

What, you're just going to stand there and act like this is justice? How the hell blind are you? If you'd just FIGHT for once, instead of standing there and letting everyone else ruin your life and tear your self to shreds, maybe you wouldn't be in such a bloody mess right about now! Ever consider that?

Laurie, what do you want me to do? I'm listening, I know that I'm screwing up, but--

But what? But you're not getting anywhere? Don't be such a spineless coward. You don't give up easily... or do you?

I don't.

Then STOP betraying yourself and do the right thing for once! Listen, do I have to invite Karl into our headgang to help me with the physical abuse when you mess up like this? He doesn't love you like I do. He won't show you any mercy whatsoever.

I know he wouldn't, Laurie. ...You know, let me just tell you something while I'm thinking of it.

Yeah?

I AM trying to do better. God help me, but I am. You know how I collapse whenever Julie so much as looks at me the wrong way nowadays!

That's only because she's kicked your ass one too many times now.

It's more than one too many times, Laurie. Once would have been too many times, and she's treating me like a rag doll. I'm not her toy to abuse and push around, Laurie, and we both know that.

Then why the hell are you still letting her do that?

I'm trying to stop her, I really am. I swear I just want to end this.

But--

But I don't know how other than surgery. Believe me, I can feel your pain now, and I'm starting to add all sorts of extra influences and reminders to keep her away from me and to keep me in safe places, but I can't stay on the computer all my life and stay up until 2AM every morning just because I know she can't touch me then.

That's only because I'm louder then, and you can finally see.

I know. I know, I can see everything so terribly clearly in the mornings.

Then why don't you take that wisdom with you for the rest of the day?

I... I don't know. Honest to God, Laurie, I don't know. Life isn't easy. I don't have the money or means to kill her, let alone the time, but I'm doing the best with what I have now. Unfortunately, I'm also distracted cruelly easily, my self control is at an abysmal low, and I keep denying myself, thinking that somehow someone has a better idea than me.

They don't. Now shut the hell up and get back to drawing Karl.

Wait, Laurie. What's your suggestion to this situation?

Same as it always has been. Listen to me, pay attention, remember who you are, and don't let that floozy touch you under any circumstances.

I know... geez, but why is it so darn hard?

Life is hard. You said so yourself.

You think maybe God's keeping all this pain and trauma in my life to keep me on track? To make sure I don't get soft or forget things or take things for granted?

Possibly. He might be. After all, he's given you far too many things to keep you alive, too.

Far too many? Laurie, without a single one of them my connection to this life would fray a little more. I need each and every one of them.

Then maybe you do need all this pain, too. An offset. Some suffering of your own, to help you empathize and to keep you from becoming too much of an egocentric hellion.

Don't call me that, Laurie.

Are you even listening to me?

Yes, I am. And yes, I do need some suffering of my own after all the blood, sweat and tears I see every day in everyone else's eyes. I'm sick of being a painless human living in some stupid cushy house with all these luxuries and modern extravagances and all that junk. I do want some suffering, some pain, if only to prove to myself that yes I am alive, yes I am getting retribution for my wrongs, yes they are not the only ones suffering here.

You're a pain addict for all the right reasons, I think.

I'm not too sure if I'm really an addict, though. I mean, I flinch like crazy yet when you tear across me. It hurts, and I'm still too freaking weak to take it like a man.

Guys flinch, too, if you hurt them enough.

But I should be able to take more pain than that. I should be able to suffer a ton of pain without screaming or flinching like some damned dog with its tail between its legs.

Hey, and stop swearing, you jerk. That's my job, and you said you'd stop stealing me from myself.

...Oh. I'm sorry. I almost forgot about that.

You'd better not. You remember what happened the last time you did that?

Yeah. That wasn't good.

Neither is this. Now leave the negativity and swearwords to me, Jewel, and you go about your crazy empathic business and leave me the heck alone.

Wait, you mean like--

No, I mean like leaving me alone as in me. I want you to stop eating me. I don't want to die before you die.

...Oh. Honestly, I'm sorry.

And pay attention to what you're typing. I can't talk as slow as you type.

Yeah, you're right.

So, what were we talking about again?

My fighting with Julie, my missing my sister, my feeling absolutely terrible lately.

Huh. Yeah, I guess we were. Which one do you want to go back to?

Julie before anything else. I want that settled as much as we can right now.

Can we settle it any more?

...I don't know. Maybe. We can try.

Yoda is going to hate you.

Heheh, I know. But it's all I can do right now without taking unneccessary cuts out of my self-esteem. "Well, Julie kicked my ass today, but--"

Watch it.

Sorry. But you know what I mean. Saying I either won against Julie or I lost to her-- that doesn't exactly help. I need to say "I might have lost today, but God help me I didn't want to. If I had my choice I would have thrown her right out the window."

Picked up a knife, done the job myself...

I don't think I'm ready to go that far. It's not sterile, it's not safe, and it's not exactly what I'd call sane.

Who said you're sane at this point, Jewel? Look at you. You're a total mess.

And I'm getting eye twitches every day now. Just like Karl!

That's not good.

No, it's not. The last thing I want is to turn into Karl.

Personality-wise, you mean.

Oh, yes. Yes. I wouldn't mind having a body made of solid resin, I think.

You'd break within the first week and you know it.

Why?

You're not careful. That or you'd trip while you were running or something.

Is that metaphorical?

Might as well be.

Huh. Well, anything else you have to say about Julie?

Just one thing. You keep fighting that devil in pink, or I swear I am going to lose it for good.

Take my steering wheel, huh?

I might. I just might.

Well, I plan to keep fighting. I don't want to lose anymore, especially not with Rorschach right around the bend.

Hey, by the way, start that counter right now. Hurry up.

Done.

"Do it for Rorschach," eh?

Yeah. He'll be here on March 5th anyway, like you said, so that gives me a solid genuine deadline to work with.

Just don't go last minute like everything else, you neurotic.

I won't, Laurie. I can't. That would be suicide.

Thanatos.

That's you, not me.

Who's the one trying to be me?

Touche. Well, I'll stop. I'm watching my language, see?

You'd better. And the only time you're allowed to cut the crosses is when I'm in control.

I know. I wouldn't dare do otherwise.

All right, now time for your little sister.

Already?

Yes, you don't want to be on here all night, do you?

No, I have to get some sketching done and I need sleep.

Well, we have 40 minutes tops, so let's get going. Vanilla, right?

Vanilla Naivete, yes.

Gamboge Sacrifice.

I need to draw her sometime soon, I swear...

You're both foods.

Isn't that funny?

Yeah, I guess so. You two should pair up with Lime and Apricot, then, start an edible Gen club...

Oh gosh, don't even start. That's hilarious, though.

So, are you going to draw Gamboge?

Soon, yes. As soon as I get some OC work done and draw some LoT and IF contestants.

Survivor and Everafter, too?

Maybe. Whatever ones I followed madly.

I think that was Survivor and IF.

Yeah, whatever one introduced me to Cyril and Spoiler and Inverted. That started everything.

You have to draw Cailen stuff, too.

That I do, but let's get back on topic. Vickie.

Yep. Your little sister.

I don't know what to tell you though, Laurie. I miss her, sure, and I love her, but that's all I can say. I wish I hadn't taken her for granted.

Your biggest fault, right behind selfish distraction.

I know.

Seriously, though, if you're going to fave stamps and read finale entries, at least get your feet in the water first. Sit down and start drawing up your OCs and writing up their backstories, or you'll be nothing but a wannabe for the rest of your life. Oh, and do it after we're done talking, please.

My, but you're being polite for once.

I'm tired, all right? All this Julie talk is draining me, not to mention ticking me off.

But we were talking about my sister.

I know, but that doesn't change my point.

Well, can we finish?

Sure. Would you want to meet her again?

Who, Vickie?

Yeah, who else?

Well... actually, I don't know anymore. I'd love to be able to talk to her again and have that close friendship like the old days, but... it's like you said earlier. I'm scared, I'm disconnected, and frankly I'm afraid of hurting her in some way.

Huh. Yeah, sounds like you.

It hurts, though.

I know.

Huh... well, maybe once I draw Vanilla I'll get a little closer to that dream. I don't know. I hope so.

Well, try. And make sure you do it this time, instead of just saying so.

I will. I have to.

All right then, last topic. Karl.

What? I thought our last topic was--

Wait. Karl first.

Why?

You've been obsessing over him.

I have not. I just like his character, that's all. He's rather brilliant.

That's it?

That's it. I told you, I can't form those sort of connections any more. Davy, Grievous, heck, even Barry and Nightcrawler... those sort of links, I seem to have forgotten how to form them. Now I'm just too afraid to get close to people, because they always end up dying in some way. Always. There has never been an exception.

What, you want to link up with Karl?

No, not like that! Like I said, I think he's cool, but he's a freaking psychopath and I honestly wouldn't want him hanging around my head knowing that I'm at least physically human, albeit unfortunately.

Point.

Yeah. So that's it. Just admiration.

Anyone that comes even slightly close to the old school Links?

Um... I actually don't think so. No one's really triggering anything. Geez, maybe I'm even broken. I've screwed myself up far too much already.

How about Chaos and the guys?

Ryou, Marik, Chaos, Grievous, Davy, Barry, Godot, Nightcrawler, Midvalley, Rorschach, Kain, and Selph all have the exact same Links as they always have, although my bizarre mental maturing has made me ridiculously sober and I tend to keep my distance now.

Bogardus didn't do anything?

Oh, no. I like him a heck of a lot, but he didn't trigger any old-school stuff. Midvalley's only on there because I was so volatile back then, you know.

Then why is Kain on there?

Because I've had dreams about Kain, and not the one you're thinking of. I've grown to really care about him as an individual for some reason, so he's up there.

Shade?

Don't even go there. No, she's just a pal.

Haha, figured I'd ask. Just let me know if you change your mind about Karl.

Laurie. It's not going to happen, I'm serious.

And I'm just pulling your leg. I know you're not like that. Now, last topic. Emptiness.

That's what it was...

What, you forgot?

Yeah.

That's terribly ironic.

I know. I'm sorry.

Stop apologizing for every freaking thing you do, I swear.

I-- I know. I've been doing that for ages.

Yeah, you don't have to tell me. But seriously, what's with your problems now?

I just feel... drained. Kind of like how you do now, I guess. But it's been like this for over a year now, and it's progressively getting worse. It just feels like someone took a vacuum to my head and sucked out half of whatever was in there... it literally feels like I have a void stuck in me, and something huge is missing. I was thinking it's religion, as my family has seriously been slacking off the family religion thing, but I've been making up for that in small personal ways... I don't know. Maybe I need to try harder, as usual.

Maybe it's that and something else. Maybe something in particular is draining you.

Like what? People? Connections? I was thinking that too.

Maybe.

Why, what do you think?

Expectations. You're putting too much on your head and killing yourself before you get started.

What, like with all this art and music and homework and dreams that I have planned all at once?

Yes, exactly like that.

Huh.

That could be it, you know.

It could be, but... but then what's keeping me going? I need all those things, Laurie, to keep me alive. They're like my drug. If I don't have a running list of things to do and accomplish, I don't feel productive and then I start to panic.

Do you need that much, though? Hell, just your Dream World work is enough to last you a lifetime, and I mean that in the literal sense.

I know. They're entrusted me with a lot. But, God's also given me Hosea and Volt and Monika and Anu and everyone to look after.

Yeah, He sure expects a lot of you.

I don't want to let Him down, either.

Yeah, I know. Hm.

What's up?

Just thinking. I don't think that there really is anything you can let go.

In that sense, you mean?

In that sense, yes. Maybe some of the free projects and uneccessary stuff, but that's it...

Artwise?

Artwise.

Well, if I sit down and get those done, it will not only help me to improve, but it will also make me look a little less like a scheming git who makes promises and then never keeps them.

Yeah, you're right.

You agreed with every word there, didn't you?

Yes, I did. It's true, Jewel-- your mouth's making promises your body can't keep, and your mind is getting ticked off.

My superego, you mean.

Yeah, haha! You got me there, freak.

Hey, watch the mouth.

Eh, I'm just edgy. You're more unstable than ever and frankly, I don't like that one bit. I can't keep you together single-handedly.

I'm not asking you to.

No, you're forcing me to. Who else is going to stand around you 24/7 and do the things I do? Selph won't pick up a knife and go at you with it. Hell, Chaos won't even look at you the wrong way, and he hates when I cut you, even when you ask me to. Delphi won't bother with you, X has bigger concerns, Revenge doesn't have a vendetta against you, Jezreel could care less, Gehinom probably doesn't even know you exist. I'm the only one who cares enough to keep you under control when you snap, and I'm not afraid to use force to do so.

Am I really that bad sometimes?

Look at yourself, Jewel, and don't make me laugh. Yes, you really are that bad. Maybe even worse.

I wish I wasn't.

I know you do. But you really should get some sleep.

Oh geez, you're right. 1AM.

Keeps Julie quiet though, right?

Right... man, Laurie, I am so sick of what I've become...

Well, what do you expect me to do? I can't change you by force, that's still up to you and your free will, whatever's left of it.

And believe me, Laurie, I'm doing everything I can at the moment...

Are you sure?

What?

Seriously, look at the situation, Jewel. Is there something else you should be doing? Manage your time better, then maybe you wouldn't have so many regrets! Stop lying to people and making promises you can't keep! Stop compromising yourself, for heavens sakes! Start caring about what other people feel! Start taking responsibility for your actions, and start finishing what you started, no matter how long ago it was! The world is still waiting for Part Twelve, and I'm still waiting for you to change for the better.

...How long have you known me, Laurie?

Longer than you know, Jewel.

I can imagine...

Get to bed, kid. And do me a favor-- think about what I said. Figure out what the hell you're doing and do it, all right? I'm really sick of all this indecision, not to mention the whining, and so help me but I'm going to do all I can to help you with it. To hell with Julie, I'm the top headvoice here, and I intend to live up to that.

Glad you at least hold me in that much regard.

Hey, I don't disrespect you or anything. I just wish you'd do better.

We all do, Laurie. We all do.

You tired?

Mm-hmm.

Well, change the text and let's get moving. Karl's not going to wait, and neither will I.

What is with you and Karl all of a sudden? I think you like him.

Ahaha, I like his drive. Wish I was that nasty sometimes, maybe Julie'd be gone by now if I was.

Ditto that with me. Honestly, Laurie, I'm sorry for being a whiny emo kid all over again, and I'm sorry for apologizing like a shivering twit. I want to do better, I want to change my life, I've said that hundreds of times already-- heck, thousands at this point-- but I don't seem to be getting anywhere worthwhile at my current rate. I'm finding hints and suggestions, warnings and dangerous places, but I'm just not learning fast enough. I've made some horrible mistakes and I've found some good things. I've ruined some good things and I've failed to recognize the bad things until it's too late. I've royally screwed up my life and the lives of countless others already, I've hidden under false identities, I've changed my personality more times than Cher changes her hair and I still don't know what the heck I'm doing in this world. I'm glad I have you, Laurie, and I'm glad I have all the other people I have in my life-- yes, even Karl-- but I just don't seem to be progressing. Julie keeps screwing around with me, you keep getting ticked off and with good reason, Natalie keeps getting murdered and Lynne keeps fading away when I need her. We've at least killed off Brittany and Missy, not to mention that one nameless voice, before it was too late, but our biggest problems are still staring us in the face and although I know I have the power to stop them, I'm not sure what it is yet and I'm afraid I might be too weak to use it when the time comes. I can't do that. Laurie, I need to stand up for my rights as a human being for lack of a better term, and I need to stand up for my morals and beliefs and put my foot down right on the hand of blashpemy and immorality when they come crawling to my doorstep like the filthy dogs they frankly are. I'm sick of being corrupted, I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of being ravaged by shadows with red hands and glass eyes, I'm sick of hearing vicious voices in my ear that aren't mine, I'm sick of seeing demons in hallways and I'm sick of being afraid that I'm becoming one of them myself. I miss Preludove, I miss Azurai, I miss Devonal and I miss Zeebee and I miss Dakeep and I miss everyone that saved me back then and I don't meen that in the 'I haven't seen them in years' way. I mean that because I've been taking them for granted, I've been ignoring them when they need me most and when I need them most. I've been ignoring the most beautiful and important parts of myself, the parts of me that aren't physical and keep my heart alive, the small details and the emotions and the fragile aspects that define me as a person and give me a reason to live. Laurie, I've been ignoring them and I've been ignoring you and I've been ignoring Selph and God and everyone else that tries to help me and I don't even know why because it honestly feels like this isn't even my body anymore. Hell, I'm sick of having a body. If I had a choice, I'd overexpose myself to the Master Emerald, too, and just be an energy being for the rest of my life, and to hell with immortality. When we die we die together. But that's besides the point-- I want to be in control again. I want to kick these demons out of my head, I want to sweep the cobwebs out of my heart, I want to fill up this void in my mind and find what motivates me again. I want to tell my dreams to the world and inspire everyone I meet. I want to try harder and actually get somewhere. I want to kick Julie the hell out of my head, and I want you and I and Lynne and Natalie too to be the only ones left, just us and my headgang and my monsters and my worlds and God watching over us all, without a shadow in sight. Laurie, I want to be saved, and I want that to happen as soon as possible. I've had enough of being used by the corruption in this world, and I just want to be a light again. I want my salvation. I just want some salvation.

...Wow.

Sorry about the words. I just... had to write that. Couldn't help it.

No, it's... geez, Jewel. You haven't done that in ages. Thank you.

For what?

For letting yourself shine through for once! That's what I've been trying to get you to do for the past few years, and then here you go and bleed all over the page.

I bleed, therefore I am?

Possibly. Barry would be proud.

Meh, maybe. He's just happy chopping stuff.

Speaking of chopping, we'd better end this bloody thing.

In a minute.

In a-- why? It's already 1:17, come on.

Wait, I want to talk about taking things for granted.

Why?

Because. I just got another figurative slap in the face in that respect, although it was entirely unintentional.

What happened now?

Just... a small thing. But it hit me again, how I take people for granted.

Like your sister?

Like my sister... like Jimmy, and Ben, and Jacob. Like all my friends. Like Ammie.

Like Alexandria, and Cassandra, and Lyndzee, and Stephanie...

All right, now, that hurts a lot.

It's supposed to. You were young then, you didn't know, you didn't think. Now I want you to hurt for that, and learn your lesson as many times as you have to.

Oh please, Laurie, I'm tired of my Thanatos hands. I'm tired of figuratively killing off--

You're not killing them off, Jewel. Some of them just leave.

How many of them? Two? Think about it, Laur! I can't help but feel that I somehow played a rather major part in the sufferings of these people, and God help me but I don't even know how.

Then maybe you didn't. Your guys, their fates were written before you even saw their faces for the first time.

Still hurts.

I know.

It still hurts, because I just seem to know how to pick 'em, you notice? Freakin' Rorschach, I thought he would be okay, and then he just had to go and die like that and I ended up sobbing like an idiot in my living room for longer than I can remember.

You loved him.

You know what? Yeah, I did love him. Just like I loved Davy and Grievous and Barry and Godot. Hell, I even loved Nightcrawler when I first met him. I still do! I still love every one of those guys! Point is, Laurie, I love people far too easily, and then it's far too easy for me to hurt them, even if they don't even acknowledge me. Point is, I connect far too hard, and then when my strings start to tear at my heart I'm wondering why the hell I'm bleeding all over the walls! Tony Bennett knew what he was talking about when he wrote that song and I ended up hearing it in this crazy game of life-- I fall in love too easily, too genuinely, too fast, too unconditionally, too blindly, and then when the repurcussions start hitting, I don't know what to do. I take these people for granted-- family, friends, soulbonds, muses, everyone that ever meant anything to me-- and it doesn't hit me just how much they mean to me until it's too late! Damn it, Laurie, but I never even told my sister that I loved her until she was gone. Do you have any idea how much that breaks my heart?

I thought you didn't break, you glacier.

Oh, stop smiling, you know I don't. But I'm coming far too close these days, and I'm scared of what will happen when that last fracture hits a pressure point and I finally shatter.

Really, Jewel. Stop being a hypocrite.

Why, what did I say now?

When you were younger you were always talking about your broken heart, your shattered heart, your glass heart. Now you just say it's cracked and walk off like it's made of ice. How the hell could you cry if you were frozen on the inside?

You remember that dream I had last year. You remember what they said about me.

Powers of ice, soul of fire. Yeah. But the heart point still stands. What the hell happened there?

I don't know. I guess I was just too naive back then. Overreacted. But seriously, when I look back and think about all of it, I think that if my heart had really broken at least once, I would have reacted much stronger than I had to things. I've been cracked and shot at and held too tightly, yeah, but I haven't collapsed into a glimmering disaster of bloody shards. I almost have, several times, and lately I've been mentally shattering from the traumas I've been going through, but my heart's still holding together somehow.

Are you sure you're not naive now? What if you're like those people with heart attacks, and you've already had your heart broken several times now but never noticed?

I would have noticed.

Are you sure? There's never a guarantee, you know.

...That's true. I don't know, really. I don't think so, but... geez, I can't be sure.

S'okay. We're off topic anyway.

That we are. By the way, I'm sorry for taking you for granted too.

Huh? Why?

Because of what you said earlier-- much earlier. You care more than I realize, you help me more than I realize. I think I would have lost nearly every battle with Julie so far if you haven't been helping.

All right, now you're giving me too much credit. I'm not the only one upstairs who's aiding you in this.

Yeah, but who's been the biggest influence? Who's the reason Mofo and Bogardus are even keeping up the pep talks and crazy Baptist warning sermons? You are, Laurie, because not only are you brave enough and confident enough to stand up for the both of us and keep me walking straight, but you're nice enough to stay by my side even when I let you down and forget that you were never promised to me. I could lose you any day, just as easily as I lost Natalie, and I know you too well; you'd never return. Heck, look at me! I've been siphoning you for months without even realizing it, and half the time you don't even speak up, even though I know you're pissed off at me. Laurie, I don't want you to die. You remember that time with my psychiatrist.

Yeah, I remember that. I think that was proof that you weren't taking me for granted, though.

Well, that was the first time it hit me. I realized, "oh my gosh, if I lose her, what am I going to do?" I had never really considered the harsh reality of maybe losing you forever, and that hit me like a train of bricks.

With a grenade in it.

With five grenades in it, seriously. But I am sorry. I really should have spoken up sooner.

Nah, it's okay. Besides, I haven't said the same to you yet.

Really?

Really. I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me.

Don't go that far, Laurie.

Heheh... all right. If you say so.

Well, that was sudden.

What, the whole conversation?

Yeah. I think I needed that, though.

As did I. But you also need sleep.

Aw, geez. 2AM again.

Time to listen to stupid reggae, huh?

I could, but I'd much rather listen to this Debussy sonata and go to sleep with that in my head instead of some guy angsting over getting caught by the fuzz.

I bet Karl could play this violin solo.

I bet he could. I also bet he'd stab me if I tried to compliment him on it.

I am going to laugh so hard if you two hook up or something.

It'll never happen, Laurie. I swear.

Pinky swear?

Won't work no more.

Good, you got the reference.

Hey, violent knight on the edge of your knife.

Silent night for the rest of your life!

I'm getting chest pain again.

Well then, get the hell to bed, unless Karl just stabbed you. In that case, get your ass to an emergency room.

It might be a little hard to explain that I was stabbed by a statue.

It might be even harder to explain that your favorite headvoice just stabbed you because you wouldn't shut the hell up and get to bed.

Yeah, that might be tough. That's another reason why I don't bring you guys up to psychiatrists anymore; they just don't understand.

That's probably a major source of your problems, though. You need to talk about Julie.

Well geez, what am I supposed to say? "My stepsister mindrapes me every time I try to sleep?"

Not just you, either. And she's not your stepsister, thank God.

Well, it's easier to believe than "my headvoice does all this shit to me..."

Hey, watch the mouth, you spaz.

I love how we alternate that line. I just love how paradoxical we are.

Yeah, it's pretty funny. Blame Chaos for that nickname of yours, though.

Oh yes. Can't forget that.

But seriously, get to bed.

Wait, we need a good ending line first.

I got one. Go die in New Jersey.

Also, listen! I rattle!

*rattlerattlerattlerattlerattle*

All right, now that's just creepy.

Hey, headvoices get special creepy powers too. Now get the hell to bed before I stab you with my bird-knife.

All right, all right!

Angels live in a dream
Life is not what it seems
What is real anyway?
And why can't you feel that way about me?

In a dream I can see
You are so far away
And every night, I still pray
That I will see you someday

I am that broken soul
That you've been searching for
I saw your face and knew my life had turned around

Promise me that you'll stay with me through the night
Save me from all my nightmares
My heart still hurts inside
But not as much anymore

Call my name, anytime
I will be by your side
I wonder; do you feel for me
What I am feeling for you?

In my dreams
Mirrors cannot hold you back
Don't give in
Even as your world turns black

Starlight in your eyes
The darkest night
Can't take this away
From us

In the night
Dreaming bright
A light you lost so long ago

I'll complete your broken soul
With this crystal heart
Don't let me die
I just can't dream without you

(piano solo)

In your dreams
Everything is turning red
Save your soul
And they'll break your heart instead

I believe in you
But who am I?
Know thyself and then you'll see

In the night
Dream delight
You're everything I've waited for

Look into my eyes and I'll
Tell you everything
I love you so (/stay here with me)
This is far more than a dream

In the night
There's a light
I thought I'd never see again

I'll complete your crystal heart
With this broken soul
Keep me alive
The amber muse of your dreams

...

In the night
There's a sight
That haunts my nightmares to this day

Victim of the Shadowmage
The forgotten son
I'll save your soul
It's time to live once again

I'm sick and tired of being such a self-concerned idiot.

I assume that everything is my problem alone, forgetting that there are people out there-- in my own family, damn it-- with horrible problems that I just ignore and overlook because I'm selfishly thinking that I'm such a special bastard that I'm the only one who has to suffer.

Well, wake up and smell the blood and gunpowder, dear. You're no scapegoat in this world.
I can do nothing to change that.

Laurie is freaking furious with me, too. I don't blame her... if I were in her position, I'd have done the exact same thing.
Why am I so weak?
God help me, I am so tired of this.

What do I need to do to finally be free? What do I need to sacrifice?
My money, my possessions, my pride? Take them, if it gets me out of this personal hell.
Problem is, none of that is going to solve that. I know.
I think I need to sacrifice something much bigger... or maybe, the answer is cruelly simple. Maybe.
Maybe I just need to keep trying. Maybe I just need to fight a little harder.
Maybe I just need to leave this place.

I guess I should be thankful that I'm not living in a warzone, living each day afraid of the next, knowing that any moment a bomb could hit or I could be captured or I could lose everything I'd ever known.
I've never known the feel of a real physical bullet. I've never tasted my own blood flooding my mouth in terror. I've never watched someone die in front of me.
My heart goes out to the poor souls who do live that sort of hellish reality, and when it comes back it's torn with broken bones and shrapnel and shards of glass and it tears me apart on the inside for being such a blind and selfish bastard.

I've wanted to be a martyr since I was a kid, but the more I see what's happening in the world and the more blood I see on the television and the deeper my empathy ironically gets at all the wrong times, the more frightened I get.
I feel like a little kid, shivering and crying because an unknown terror cloaked in shadows is holding an icy pistol to my forehead and I know it's only because I asked for it... because it's the only decent and dignified way to die.

I want to die for someone, for something good, for some purpose.
I know so many people pray for an easy, quick death... to die in their sleep, to quietly pass away on a sunny evening or something.
No sane person prays to die in a car crash, or in a hanging, or in front of a firing squad, or from ebola.
And yet I pray to be a martyr, even now.

Maybe I feel I have to prove something.
Will giving my life for something pure finally help to redeem me? Will it?
Am I that broken, that I feel the only way to be saved now is to completely surrender to what I feel is right?
They say there's never a guarantee that you're going to heaven... but I guess there's never a guarantee that you're going to hell, either.
It's scary because I always assume the worst. It takes a heavy toll on my personality, though.
Oh well. Gotta suck it up and take it like a man.

Swallow those needles, kid, it's either you or the next guy and you're at least willing to suffer for someone else's sake.

I'm terrified.
I dream of these things. I feel these things, and my body shivers and my eyes tear up and I hope that it won't be so horrifying when my time comes, but of course there are never any guarantees.

Since I was a little kid, I've always seen suffering, always seen symbols of pain. I don't know why.
I used to draw bloody pictures when I was in kindergarten, for the love of heaven. I've found several of them upstairs, dated by my mother and signed with that hideous scribble I called a name at age 5. God only knows why she kept them, but I'm glad she did.

I've found dream journals of mine from 1st grade, dreams in which I would turn into bats and eventually find myself skewered with needles and bleeding in the snow somewhere. I was fascinated with those dreams, and used to write about them all the time... my teacher literally thought I was crazy.

Second grade I took my little vow of celibacy. I was absolutely disgusted with the fact that my classmates were always swooning over N*Sync and Hanson and every other pretty boy out there, especially at their age (yes I used to think like that)... so disgusted, in fact, that one day I quite literally swore to myself that I would never marry, and that I would never fall for some older man like those other silly girls. Surprisingly, that's one of the few promises I've managed to keep.

Third grade was the Pokemon phenomenon, as well as the year I met Preludove. I was still seeing far too much violence in my mind. Sure, I would draw happy dreamlike scenes with the characters I loved, but five minutes later I'd be drawing that same character getting gorily eaten by some hideous nightmare monstrosity. I bet the teachers worried about me.

Fourth grade I got much closer to the Jewel Monsters, and that also kicked my obsession with spirituality and matters of the heart into high gear. I practically became a crazy kid philosopher back then, often locking myself in my room and sitting on my bed by the old bureau... thinking about the Dream World and wondering what life was like for everybody else. I began to draw several small comics, full of adventure and childhood happiness and an obvious amount of fighting. I spent most of my time lost in my imagination, spending entire afternoons having my Mewtwo plushie chase after the beams of sunlight on the living room rug.
Unfortunately, along with the imagination and wisdom came a deeper understanding of suffering. The Dream World was still reeling from war, you know, and I was quickly becoming caught up in it. Preludove almost died in the first dream I had of her, you know.

Fifth grade and my friends started leaving... the kids that made me smile began to disappear. I became ostracized when I couldn't fit in to the new cliques... I was frequently taken advantage of by the girls who used to be my closest companions. It hurt me terribly. I was still drawing and writing, but I admittedly don't remember most of fifth grade.

Sixth grade was the best year of my life. I had buried myself in the matters of the Dream World, and my Links had hit a beautifully high point. I spent some time every day either drawing them, writing about them, or composing music for them on my piano... they defined my life back then.
Don't forget about my darker side, though. 2001 was the last year before the breaking point in their world, and I was beginning to see the serious signs of it, although I didn't fully understand them at the time. I still spent a great deal of time writing about pain, though. Morbid fascination.

Everything started to fall to pieces in seventh grade. Something horribly dark and bloody happened in the Dream World, and I clearly remember standing alone in the hall of my school when the news hit me. Thank God I was alone, because I stopped right there and just thought it over for a minute. Of course, I still couldn't fully comprehend it, but it was enough to make me start seeing pain all over again.
I fell in love with both Bakura and Marik during that year (I still can't decide if that was good or bad), and also hit a horrible immaturity snag which caused me some terrible problems later on. I only had one person who I could call a friend then, and she even started abusing me... I was stupid and I betrayed her trust in return. I still don't know how I could have been so stupid.

Eighth grade was a mess. I fell in love with Chaos Zero then, triggering an entirely new philosophical vein in my mind. I was still writing about the Dream World, but my teenage stupidity was breaking my Links and I began to forget what was important. I began writing a completely un-canon document full of nothing but blood and pain, perhaps to unconsciously remind me that life wasn't all senseless fun.

Ninth grade... I don't even remember, and I suppose that's for the best. It was the typical high-school immaturity phase for me, and I began to turn into a total weeaboo. Dear heavens but I really despised that time in my life... the only real saving graces of that year were NiGHTS and Normandy, who both hit me out of the blue and managed to keep me somewhat connected to my heart.
Ironically, although I was losing my very self, my mother bought me the first issue of X1999 that year, so my unhealthy obsession with suffering only got worse.

Tenth grade was a little better, but not by much. I was still horribly immature, but Justice's brother showed up that same year so I quickly realized that I was doing things all wrong. Revenge was a major contribution to the suffering side of my personality... as was Selph, who I met the same year. Meeting Selph, though, and having to teach him everything he knew... it forced me to take a better look at who I was and how I was living, and I finally began to change. I'm very thankful for that.

Eleventh grade was mixed as well. I began to get rather anorexic, and made the huge mistake of practically ignoring Selph for about a year thanks to my idiotic selfishness. I began to hide from reality through my computer, which once again caused me a ton of pain in the long run. However, being the year I turned 16, I was trying exceptionally hard to re-connect with the Jewel Monsters. It worked surprisingly well; I met many more of them and began to regain quite a bit of my old inspiration.
The war in this world was also getting pretty bad, and my selfishness began to plummet as a result. That was actually a good thing, as my now dismal self-esteem was forcing me to super-evaluate myself now, and I began to experience some real suffering myself for once.
I got back together with Selph later that year, too.

Twelfth grade... geez. Bad year, very bad year. Family life began to go downhill for outside reasons, I fell into a severe depression, regressed into my teenage stupidity mode as a blind form of 'looking for relief.' Didn't work. I regret most of the things that happened during this year.
However, thanks to Philosophy and Psychology classes, I kept some of my maturity... and thanks to JTHM, the bloody edges of my mind got a heck of a lot bloodier. It was summer when everything finally hit me and I realized just how idiotic I had been acting for months... the stress of everything so far sent me into a downward spiral.

Freshman year at college, aka the present day. I won't review much of it here as it's tiring and you already know what happened... it's this journal, for the love of Pete.
However... not long after the fall semester started, I lost my mind. Literally.
I still refuse to talk about that incident to anyone, and I've forgotten half of it thanks to my mind's way of reacting to trauma... but what I do remember is frightening. Either way, that bizarre event shocked my system so badly that my hinges broke and I've been a shivering mess ever since.
I'm still smothering in my own misdeeds, but I'm trying desperately to get my Links back up as I'm afraid there one of the few things left with the power to keep me alive anymore. God gave me my connections for a damn good reason, and I know it.
My mind has begun to regress into a childlike state, too. I'm literally getting entire days where I can see things through my old eyes again, and during those times Laurie swears herself in as my big sister and promises that she'll protect me with her life.
I like that, because if Julie comes after me when I'm a kid upstairs, I get terribly scared and call for my violet superego, and she shows up every time. She's saved me many times that way, but something happened today where I called her but Julie actually chased her out or something... it's frightening me. I don't want her touching me, I don't even want her looking at me... can't I just lock her away like I used to when I was younger? Can't we just lock her up in that closet down the hallway and warn everyone not to go in there? But no... she won't sit still now. She can't be tied up now, and sometimes I just cry thinking about it.
I don't know what I've gotten myself into.

But yes. Suffering.
It went from a strange childhood obsession to an unintentional empathy to a personal understanding.
I don't mind, but... is there a reason that it's always been so present in my life, in one way or another? Is there a reason that I seem to seek it out, that I seem to gravitate to it and feel it when someone else is its victim?

I only know one thing, and that is this...

...I have so, so much more suffering ahead of me.

I'm terrified.

So selfish... I'm forgetting about everyone else.

I hope that one day I can see again.

Realign all the stars above my head
Warning signs travel far
I drink instead on my own

Oh, how I've known
The battle scars and worn out beds
Gentle now a tender breeze blows
Whispers through a Gran Torino
Whistling another tired song

Engines hum and bitter dreams grow
Heart locked in a Gran Torino
It beats a lonely rhythm all night long

These streets are old
They shine with the things I've known
And breaks through the trees
They're sparkling

Your world is nothing more than all the tiny things you've left behind

So tenderly
Your story is nothing more than what you see
Or what you've done or will become
Standing strong, do you belong in your skin,
Just wondering?

Gentle now a tender breeze blows
Whispers through the Gran Torino
Whistling another tired song

Engines hum and bitter dreams grow
A heart locked in a Gran Torino
It beats a lonely rhythm all night long

May I be so bold
And still need someone to hold
That shudders my skin
It's sparkling

Your world is nothing more than all the tiny things you've left behind...

My mother and grandmother woke me up with tears and screaming today.
I'm so sick of seeing them suffer, especially when I'm the cause.
No one should have to suffer because of a senseless jerk like me.
I don't know how to relieve that pain, though.
Suicide solves nothing. I've always known that, and besides I have a massive Xor complex so I can't kill myself even if I wanted to. I want to go out like he did... giving up his life to save someone.
Couldn't tell my mother any of that, though. Can't tell the therapists, as they write everything that you can't touch off as "imaginary."
That means nothing. It just has a different reality.
They wouldn't believe a word I said, so I can say nothing.
I can't tell them that my dreams are full of death and emptiness.
I can't tell them that I saw a demon as a child.
I can't tell them that Laurie's job is to make sure I suffer.
I can't tell them that Julie rapes me whenever I try to sleep.
I can't tell them that I'm a sexless and ageless celibate.
I can't tell them about anyone that I love.
I can honestly say that yes, no one understands me.
I think it's because I'd be terrified if they did.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

@7:34PM

I apologize in advance for being a whiny jerk, but I figured I'd actually write this stuff in my online journal for once.

So my id keeps harassing me, leaving me empty and crying in a corner for my superego whenever she shows up.
She's never been this loud before. She's talking to us now.

Unfortunately, my superego gets terribly pissed because I'm terribly weak and I always seem to let that pink bitch take advantage of me.
My superego takes her anger out on my id, and she's merciless... but then she turns towards me, every time.
Take it like a man, she says, and laughs. Or not.

One for every sin.

I don't know how or when it got this bad, but I've been shivering in this hell for ages now and I just wish it could end quickly. I don't want to wait another year... I don't even want to wait another month. This is too much.

In the meantime, life outside my head isn't much better. College is killing me in more ways than just financially, and my family life is quite literally falling apart at the seams.
That scares me. 2007 was normal, but since then everything has just been spiraling downhill and fast.
You know the story-- divorce, suicide attempts, court hearings, legal trouble, financial torment, stress and misunderstandings and pain all around. It's not improving at all.

I'm still praying, still hoping, but I get the feeling that God wants me to finally learn from my actions for once before anything starts looking up.
I'm being a jerk. I keep giving in when I should be fighting, I should be the one setting an example for the fallen souls out there. I'm sick of being just another screwup.

I've become not only a huge procrastinator, but a liar.
I've become not only a hypocrite, but a manipulator.
I've become not only distant, but apathetic.

I really don't want to end up in the places I've seen some people in, and God help them to get out of there too.

...

They say God helps those who help themselves.

But I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

GAMBOGE (SACRiFiCE)

Human name: Fadwa (derived from self-sacrifice)

Dreamer: N/A that I know of.

Gender: Female, but looks rather androgynous.

Colour: AMBER

Gen stone: Cross – I chose this symbol because it has a double meaning. Although now commonly associated with positive organizations like the Red Cross and the Christian religion, crosses were originally used as torture devices in ancient times. I wanted Gam’s attribute to be both positive and negative, and a cross works well to signify this.

Gen stone position: Choker necklace charm. Chokers look almost like collars, so this can be interpreted as symbolizing her submissive personality.

Eye markings: I wanted to give the impression of tears, but I spiked them so they look less harmless. The shape also makes me think of cathedral designs for some reason, and I liked that enigmatic vibe.

Hair: Gamboge is actually completely bald. The reason behind this is that, a long time ago, I read that hair was supposed to be a source of pride for women… Gam’s lack of locks symbolizes her submissive and humble personality.

Outfit: Very sparse, actually. I wanted her to look a little bereft, but I also wanted her to give off a less ‘sparkly’ vibe.

Job: To promote empathy, selflessness, and understanding.

Closest Ally(ies): PiNSTRiPE and LiMERiCK, and although she has met NEBULA once or twice, she hasn’t personally met or spoken to any other Gens.

Physical age: I’m thinking 25, as I want her to be younger but still mature.

Power: Limited manipulation of flames. She can’t do a thing with huge fires; the largest flame she could work with would be the size of a campfire or small bonfire.

Other things: Gamboge is rather addicted to people-watching, and will frequently hang around public places just to watch others go about their lives. She can also play the viola. She likes tea and eastern/Asian food, and secretly has a major weakness for sweets.

Rival/Enemy(ies): She tries not to have any enemies, as she doesn’t see the point in harboring such negativity for others. Instead, she frequently does what she can to stop whatever interpersonal ignorance she sees, even so far as to put herself in danger to do so.

Personality: Gamboge is rather self-reserved, not liking to draw attention to herself. This cripples her social life and that upsets her greatly. However, this does not mean that she is antisocial or cold! Gamboge doesn’t mind quietly associating with others as long as she isn’t the center of attention. When she is, she tends to get terribly nervous.
If Gamboge does manage to open up to someone, though, she’s warm and hospitable, and has the potential to get along with practically anyone.

Interesting bits:

~Like DiVA and MAJORELLE, GAMBOGE is flat-chested. I wanted her design to look rather androgynous.

~Gam tends to be a vagrant, spending most of her time traveling the realm instead of settling down in one place. She doesn’t like having only one view of her world, so to speak, and practically can’t help trying to see it from other perspectives. She doesn’t like ‘settling down’ in a place for a short while like Pin, though—she’d rather keep walking.

~She has freckles because I absolutely adore freckles, and because it gives her a more amiable look.

~When she’s nervous or embarrassed, she starts to fiddle with her Gen Stone (on her necklace).

~Gamboge has a terribly harmful ‘grin and bear it’ edge to her personality, and will frequently hide her own feelings, opinions, pains or objections behind her calm and subservient demeanor. This attribute causes her much regret, and may also be a major factor in why she’s so reluctant to really associate with people. She would rather suffer an inconvenience, pain, dislike, etc. than cause that same sort of suffering in anyone else. The worst part of it, though, is that she’s willing to do this for larger problems, too.

~Gamboge speaks with a slight Indian accent.

~Gam also doesn’t like to talk much. She’s almost completely quiet unless approached or if she has something important to say.

Her Quote:
"Sometimes you just have to make sacrifices.”

PiNSTRiPE (PURPOSE)
JAYCE

JEWEL

Human name: Jayce Lytraile

Dreamer: Jewel Wisteria Lightraye, aka ME

Gender: None (biologically, too!), but is referred to (and looks like) a guy.

Colour: WHiTE

Gen stone: A rounded diamond with a scythe-like decoration on each side.

Gen stone position: Center of chest (not high up like Astrima’s). Symbolizes that, often, in order to realize your true purpose, you honestly just have to follow your heart.

Eye markings: He has three small circles in a horizontal row under his right eye, and these are an iridescent light gray. His left eye is thickly outlined with an iridescent dark gray. This outline has a small ‘hook’ shape near his ear, which points down towards his chin. Underneath it there are two small circles in a vertical row, also iridescent dark gray. I wanted his eye markings to look like both freckles and ‘aristopunk’ makeup: freckles because they make him look younger and more ‘innocent’, and aristopunk makeup because that style is awesome. Plus, Jayce is very much an anti-punk (he’s just as nice as I am) so it’s a good way to kill stereotypical assumptions while we’re at it. It can also symbolize a monocle if that floats your boat, because monocles are classic and classy.

Hair: His hair is white and looks like it was cut with a razor. In front, there are about six spiky ‘bangs’ that stick out and up (accenting his face when he has his hat on). In back, the hair near the nape of his neck sticks up as well, but ‘swoops’ out towards his ears on each side. Higher up, the hair instead just ‘spikes’ upwards towards the top of his head. The hair on the side of his head swooshes back like mine does on a good day. Basically, he just has awesome hair. He sometimes dons a short goatee of the same color.

Outfit: Pinstripe is often seen wearing a white ‘mafia’ hat. (The rest of him is quite Aristopunk. He sports actual pinstripes, of course (including the snazzy kind you see on cars—I might even use those to shove some color in his design), and I’d like some parts of his outfit to be literally translucent/ glassy.) Remember he wears a vest AND a jacket, like in my dream.

Job: Staying true to his aspect, Jayce constantly tries his best to help people find their ‘purpose,’ or direction, in life. He actually has a ton of fun doing this, as he takes great interest in ‘exploring’ the lives of others as well as their hometowns!

Closest Ally(ies): GAMBOGE, NEBULA. He’s also dying to be pals with VANiLLA, but might not get the chance to.

Physical age: 23, I think.

Other things: Like Gamzy, Jayce is a total wanderlust at heart—he’s constantly traveling from place to place, taking in the sights and having a good time.

Personality: Jayce is almost annoyingly optimistic, haha. He also has a bit of a naïve streak, even to the point where he won’t be able to see the underlying motives of others, negative or not.

Just saw "Benjamin Button" in the local theatre.

Three words: best movie ever.
I'm serious.

It got me thinking, too. I have so much to think abut now.

Things like that stay with me.

Little things... beautiful things.
That's what I love about life.
The litle things that go unnoticed by most everyone... and the big things, the huge events that are so completely breathtaking and beyond comprehension that they reduce you to silence and awe.

Buttons and blazars.

My favorite feeling in the world is whenever I'm out alone... whether it be in a city, in a forest, on a dock overlooking the ocean, in a museum, in my own home... whenever I'm by myself in one way or another, and I can just look up to the sky and realize just how big the world is.
It's really humbling, to realize just how small I am, and how I'm just one person among billions and billions.
But it never fails to make me smile when I realize that, somewhere in the world, there's someone else looking up at the sky, too.
We all see the same sky.

I love driving through town at night and looking for houses with lights on inside.
That means I can see into their lives for just a moment... can get a glimpse of someone else's little bubble of reality.
My mother drove us home today... there was a huge house we drove by, in one of those big developments. The light was on in their dining room; it was a huge, circular room lined with windows and somewhat separated from the rest of the house. There was an old man sitting alone at a table there, presumably having dinner, but it reached me somehow. Just noticing that little moment of solitude.
In my hometown we drove by one of the locally owned pizza shops. There was a young woman standing outside the front door, mid-20s or so... standing alone under the neon beer signs and looking out at the street, a cigarette in her mouth, hair frazzled and hands in her pockets. I swear to you, if I had the opportunity and if she would have let me, I was just dying to go out and stand there by her. It hurt me to see her alone for some reason, on such a cold night, with no company except the passing cars and the hushed babble of the pizza parlor behind her.
It hurts every time I see people through the windows like that, because I know that I'll never have the chance to know them as people, as fellow souls. I can only know them as passing faces.
That hurts.

I cry, sometimes. It's rather hard for me to cry.
I always laugh when I talk about it... seems the big things just cause echoes, resounding meanings that ring in the cathedral halls of my mind and leave me stunned, thinking, moved.
The little things catch me off guard, like a tiny hailstone that just manages to hit the single weak pressure point on your car windshield.
One second it's perfectly fine... then out of nowhere, it's a shattered cacophany of glittering glass shards. Broken.
Little things hurt me more than anything because they're so often overlooked, and because they're just so precise. They're so sharp.
Tiny things, like a few little words that call to mind a dear memory long forgotten... like a beautiful chord in a piece of music that no one hears, like a single star on a cold night that you would have missed if you had not glanced up before you opened the door to your apartment.
Little things, like having a cup of tea in a coffeeshop early Saturday morning, and hearing the conversations of all those around you... like sitting down in a mall and seeing a little girl with red hair and a teddy bear in her hand walk by, laughing... like standing on a city street corner in the rain and just listening to the traffic... like being on a bus late at night and wondering what the other passengers are thinking of... wondering what their lives are like.
Life is gorgeous.
It's just that few people look past her wrinkles and notice that she's smiling at you.

Little things like that break my heart, but they're also what I live for.

But what I'd give to look up at the sky and see the Milky Way... heaven have mercy, how I'd love that.

I'd probably dissolve into tears, but hey.
That's life.

And she's smiling at me.

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a prism of souls

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