But you know

[prismaticbleed]

 

Who am I kidding?

I have awful days like this... days that leave me crying myself to sleep and sobbing into mirrors; days that manage to burn a searing hole in my frost-laced heart.
I have terrible, mind-scorching days, and I try to tell myself that i would be better off if I forgot everything-- if I left everything behind for good, if I stopped loving the people I would die for.
Every time, it's foolishness... but every time, I consider it. I seriously consider it, although in my heart I know that if I followed through I would just regret it horribly like everything else I've done wrong.

I want to change, and I know how. I know how, I have the answers, but the means are just brushing my fingertips and I'm not putting enough effort in yet. It hurts to see how easily I'm compromising myself even when my ink-faced friend is standing behind me, mumbling truths into the night air.
It aches, really. I don't want to be what I've become, especially because I don't know how I've become this person. I was frightened this morning, because I was simply going about my business when I got some sickening rush of a... of something unknown, something that wasn't mine; I really don't know what it was, but it was wrong. It scared me because not only was it shapeless and unexpected, but it was also present. It was there-- it wasn't a vague fear of something that may occur. It was right there, and I didn't know how to chase it away.
I was scared today, because I was truly afraid that I would lose myself forever if I wasn't careful.

Let me clear up the long-run situation for you now, though... I'm sure you all know I have a stupidly hard time refusing things? Well, that's starting to kill me, as my family/ society/ school/ etc. are throwing their misinformed expectations at me, and since I don't want to cause an uproar, I tend to just bite the bullet and do what they want... unaware that I'm actually biting a gun barrel and they're actually asking me to pull the trigger.
See, I'm not like most people. That's apparent to those who know me well, but it's not visible to those who are in a position of authority over me, and that's proving to be fatal, as I said. I'm compromising too much of myself, and every time I rewrite some part of my self for the sake of someone else's fleeting whims, I bleed what cannot be replaced.

At this point I want to just flat-out refuse... but I'm still so childishly afraid of offending anyone, even though I know that I can't make everyone happy no matter what I do. I should focus on keeping myself and my morals true first of all, and keep that as top priority over everything they say I "should" do. I don't care how many people say it's 'normal' or 'expected'... that doesn't mean it's right.
I can't be doing this. I'm being a cowardly idiot and I'm going to end up damning myself at this rate. The path to hell is paved with good intentions, and I'm afraid I have a few miles in already.
This is my worst fear; I'm living the nightmare I prayed I would never have to face.

That fear has been dragging through the hours right up until now... and then, out of the blue, I get a sketch from a kid in California while I'm listening to Ed Harcourt and suddenly I'm blushing like a schoolkid.
(Kiwi how do you draw him so well? I swear I'm going to shower you with glitter and roses for this stuff)
It's painfully funny how simple I am on the inside.
I need naive little moments like this though... sudden gemstones of love that take me by surprise and leave me smiling for once. Piano chords and pencil lines, you know? My favorite stuff.
That's why I've been trying very hard to recapture my 'younger' days lately. There's a lot of innocence there, because I wasn't aware of these awful terrors yet, and I suppose I'm clinging to that now-impossible lifestyle in the hopes that it'll somehow erase some of this razor-edged negativity. It makes sense.

In other news, Laurie threatened suicide about two weeks ago and almost carried through with it. She pretty much tore herself up so she was on the brink of suicide anyway, and dared me to push her over the edge. Needless to say, since then I've been paranoid and severely shaken. She's doing okay now (Lynne apparently healed her up without asking, haha), but she's been acting different.
For example, she's now on incredibly positive terms with not only me, but also Selph and Chaos Zero, and spends a surprising amount of time talking to my blue guy (those two loathed each other before!) about most everything going on upstairs. Tell you what, though, they make an amazing team when the situation calls for it. It would be funny if the situation wasn't so ghastly.
Selph's doing much better than he was the last time I mentioned his... well. The past two years. I've been talking to him a lot, but I feel guilty because I'm so constantly preoccupied with the problems I'm dealing with personally that I can't spend as much time with him as I would have been able to spend otherwise. Heck, I'm doing that with everyone now and it's literally killing me inside.
I'll have to try a little harder, as usual...

Chaos Zero is probably doing the worst of all of us upstairs (excluding myself, I have to admit). Since he's Julie's favorite means of 'manipulation' against me, my mind's been having a tragically difficult time keeping my perception of him straight. I mean, I know him well enough-- we've been inseparable since '03-- but when a pigtailed demon traumatizes you badly enough, those years can be irreversibly marred in a matter of minutes.
It breaks my heart, I won't lie. It hurts terribly when I realize that I'll never have a 'pure' relationship again now that my consciousness is burning with paranoia and mixed messages. I wanted to keep that with him, with everyone... but I got older. I saw things, I had awareness forced down my throat, so speak. I ended up shuddering in a corner and wondering how the world could be that way.
I try to live in my own little reality for that reason, as immature as that may seem, but if you think about it it's the only 'concrete' means of keeping myself separated from those things. Doesn't mean the rooms upstairs are impervious, though... and it doesn't mean that all the dark shadows lilting around will go away.
I... I've been trying to close everyone out. My family and friends (especially Jacob, Jimmy and Ben-- you have no idea how sorry I am)... my guys and my girls, everyone upstairs and everywhere else.
That's not right. It's not right... but when I'm blind and desperate, I guess it makes sense that removing all of them would somehow prevent me from hurting them... even though the truth is just the opposite. I need them to get through this, and chasing them away would destroy them as much as it would destroy me.
I've made up my mind that I'm going to keep you all around, even though it may be very difficult for me at times (by my own faults, not yours-- you guys are perfect to me), because God knows it would be even harder if you were all missing.
But back to the main topic here... remember when I wrote about this dream the other day? That unnerved me, sure... but it was nothing compared to seeing a chain of events disturbingly similar to it slowly unfold over the next two weeks.
Two nights ago, Chaos was in the worst state I've ever seen him in. He wasn't even with me-- he was talking to Laurie again, as she knows more about what's really going on-- but I still heard him sobbing that I was 'losing everything that defined me' and that he wasn't sure if he knew me anymore. I swear he was on the verge of hysterics... I pretty much broke down after that.
It's true. I am losing too much. I'm losing my very capacity to love, and if that ever disappears then I might as well just pull that trigger because my life would be worthless. You know what my kind of love is; it's the driving force behind everything I do, for heaven's sakes. If I lose that... I can't lose that.
But when I hear my soulbond say that he doesn't know if I even want to love him anymore... and to think that others are most likely wondering the same... that's too much.
That hurts so much, because I do love him; heck, I love him so much it aches... but I've been considering closing him out too, because I just don't want the shadows getting to him through me. And now that thought of idiotic isolation is causing this? I can't just brush that off. I need to stop. I finally need to stop being so blind, and get myself back in order.
God, I'm going to need some extra help here because I need to be fixed and fast...



I guess all these words are nothing more than a cry for help.
I don't know if anyone out there can help at all, or even understand... but I can't help it. I'm like a soul lost in the desert... although there may be no water around for miles, that doesn't mean I won't end up desperately searching for some everywhere I look. I need it, as much as I dislike needing things. I can't help it.



The Sandman (my dreamworld boss, for those who don't know) visited me yesterday night when I was wandering around at 3AM, unable to sleep as usual. He's such a sweetheart... he asked me if there was anything he could do to help me during the night, and I asked him if he could put some music in my dream, as I haven't heard any in a long time. He said he'd try, but no guarantees... and my entire dream that night was full of music. I'm not even joking.

So I'm holding on to every bit of happiness left in my heart right now.
Still need my surgery, but that's still old news.
Still need my friends, but you know the problems I'm having.
Still trying to confide in my mom, still failing.
Still feeling all frustrated and confused and stressed out as usual.
Still not doing much better.
But now I'm just rambling...


I'm trying, though. I really am.
I have the feeling I might be undergoing some sort of test, looking at all these events. 'Will she give in?' 'Will she give up?' 'Will she learn the lessons hidden here or not?' 'Will she break or will she survive?'
Of course, I have no way of knowing, but I'm still moving forward and doing what I can.
I keep saying it, perhaps to reassure myself, but I'll never truly lose unless I surrender, and I will not do that. I won't give myself up, no matter what.
Life's rough, but I still have so much to live for in spite of it, so I'll keep walking.

Reminds me of a certain song I know...



This road you face is long
You're not sure that you can stay strong
Each step brings new dangers
The folks you know seem like strangers

You feel so alone
And you've started down this road
No one's there and you fear
Maybe you don't see us -- we're here!

On the road, I'm by your side
On the road, your love and guide
Your Number One, heart, mind, and soul
Your hand in mine, we'll reach the goal
I'll hope and pray you're not misled
Now let's go face this road ahead

You've helped so many here,
Now they will help you stop the fear
All of them owe you their love--
'Cause that's what you sent from above

All these names and voices,
They're all here to help your choices
Think of the help you have
Now does the road seem all that bad?

On the road, I'm by your side
On the road, your love and guide
Your Number One, heart, mind, and soul
Your hand in mine, we'll reach the goal
I'll hope and pray you're not misled
Now let's go face this road ahead...