have you ever...?

[prismaticbleed]

Hm.

Have you ever admired someone from afar?
Have you ever followed someone like a shadow, never letting them know you were there, but always looking up to them?

Have you ever been completely caught by the anonymous words of a face you've never seen?
Have you ever been captivated by a face in a photograph you've only seen once?


Have you ever woken up, tried to find that person again, and realized that they were gone?

What would you do, if you learned that the soul you loved from afar had disappeared without ever knowing you cared?

It may sound stupid, even somewhat cliched, but it's happened to me twice within two months.


I mean, geez. I'm fighting Julie, I'm battling some seriously destructive impulses, my mother had an emotional breakdown recently, two of my immediate family members are battling skin cancer, my father won't pay child support, we're running out of money, I might have to drop out of college... and now, without any warning at all, I lose BOTH of the girls that have been keeping me relatively stable.

My life's hard enough without my heart being metaphorically shot up with fluoroantimonic acid, thank you very much...

 

 

…

It almost feels wrong.

She’s not mine.
She belongs to someone else, and she’s happy.

She’ll never be mine, and I don’t want her to be.

So what the heck am I doing?

What am I talking about?
Why do I find people that I’ll never meet?
Why do I love people that I never want to be with?
Why do I care about people that I am invisible to?

And yet I still linger here, ageless, alone.
Watching as always.


They left dA.
Everything gone.
The photograph that caught me in this crystal spiderweb… gone.

I have it.

For some crazy, desperate, selfish reason, I have it.
I shouldn’t.
It was never mine to begin with

And yet I’m the only one who can see her now.


I swear, I have no idea what I’m doing.

The music that she listens to echoes through my mind.
I steal her visions and hold the negatives up to my own eyes

Hoping to see something anything that will answer my question.

I don’t want to be with anyone
I don’t want to be anyone’s everything
I don’t want these sort of connections
I don’t want people like that
I don’t feel desire
I don’t fit with the rest of society

I don’t belong to her

I don’t know her.

so why do I love her?