prismaticbleed | too much too soon. (Reply)

You have no idea how this feels.

You get what you give, I guess. Just deserts. I had a few good days, and then the terrible pain I'm so used to by now came back full force. I'm not as entirely good a person as everyone seems to think.
Sure, I try, but what I try to do isn't the same thing as what I do in reality.
I feel so terribly sick on the inside.

On a related note, Julie is still trying to corrupt everything near and dear to me, even to the point of trying to insinuate her twisted motives into my understanding of her. I may not know much about that blonde demon other than the fact that she's ticked off that we're all in her body and so she's slowly trying to kick us out, but that's enough to keep me away from her as often as possible.
Natalie keeps dying; we're all getting a bit hopeless about her.
Lynne's doing okay; I just spoke to her a few days ago.
Laurie's stopped spitting blood at me, but I don't know if she's really stopped bleeding or not. She won't tell me... I guess she wants to keep me guessing, and with good reason.

I want to do better, everyone knows that... but it's rough.
At this point I'm just trying to hold on to the few things that keep me innocent, that keep some light in my heart, because I'm scared to death of losing them. I don't even want to think about what would happen if they suddenly disappeared.
I've been trying to pray a lot more lately, which is helped greatly by the fact that I know several religious dudes upstairs, haha. They help so much.
But I really do need help from my Father. He put me into this bizarre life situation for a reason, I'm positive... I just need to find out what that reason truly is, and live according to it.
The one thing I know is that God has given me a generous amount of potential for doing good. I don't ever plan to forget that, either.

I've been thinking about Chaos Zero a lot lately..
...You know what? I was going to save this for a deviation, but let me just state it here as it's getting late and I'm hurting from far too many things anyway.
FROST* has this song titled "Milliontown," in which they quote a line from a book (I forget the name).
Regardless, the quote is exactly as follows...

"Did you ever notice how, in the Bible,
whenever God needed to punish someone,
make an example,
or whenever God needed a killing,
He sent an angel?

Would you ever really want to see an angel?"

I first heard that on a very strange night last month (there's an entry about it here, but it's hidden at the moment)... and considering my situation, those lyrics hit me like a bullet to the heart.
You can probably guess why.

I've probably said it somewhere else already, but... in short, Chaos Zero is an angel to me.
Both ways.
Remember Sonic Adventure?
But in a more personal context... he's one of the most important blessings God has given me in this life, but at the exact same time, he's one of my most painful curses.
When I say that I'm afraid of really putting "us" out in the open, I mean that I've tried it before... and people don't take it well. Love is love, but I must admit that my love's a little unusual, and most of the individuals I've met don't realize that.
I do love him, though... much more than I should. I know that, but there's nothing I can do to change that now. When I love someone, I'm in it for life. That fact has not changed and, God willing, will not ever change in the time I'm on this planet.
Still, it costs me.

On the 'punishment' note... Perfection goes without saying... but thanks to Julie, I'm getting a lot of unexpected negativity from my chosen situation.
When someone means a lot to me, and she tries to seriously destroy their reputation or otherwise corrupt my view of them... well, it hurts. Not only because of the act itself, but because I'm not realizing that she's doing this until it's too late.
You people have no idea what sort of thoughts go through my head on a daily basis... a stupidly large portion of my mental processes are dedicated to fighting her off and keeping her quiet. This is her body, after all-- we're just stuck in it until we get the green light to cut it up (Laurie's impatient, though). Still, the point stands. I suffer a lot from her, but now the attacks are becoming less direct/ physical and more indirect/ emotional. She's now virtually attacking the people I love instead of me, and that kills me inside.
But that's a talk for another day.
In conclusion, really, although I sincerely hope that I can get Julie to stop what she's doing, I'll gladly bite the bullet and suffer through it if it means I still have something inherently positive that's causing her spiteful actions.
I'm getting off topic, though...

Vous êtes toujours à mon coeur.... mon ange, je t'aime.

He actually kissed me in a dream the other day, you know. It was a bit of a shock, but looking back on it, it really means something in light of what my daytime life has been like recently.
I've been doing a lot of terrible things... I'd rather not go into detail, but I'm truly sorry for all of it.
I know it gets old fast, all the apologies from me, but I say them for a reason. I might do the same awful thing over forty times and say I'm deeply sorry every time, but most people would start shaking their head by the fifth occasion. "If she really was sorry, she'd be doing better by now!"
That's not always true. I'm trying as hard as I can to do better-- I'm trying so freaking hard it hurts-- but that's no guarantee that I'll be able to succeed yet.
It also doesn't mean that I'm not sorry.
Those are the main contributing factors to my depression, really... extreme guilt trips and an overwhelmingly constant sense of contrition.
But it means something. It means that I'm nowhere near content with living this life, and I hope to God that means I'm still an honestly good person at heart.
I can't be sure, but... having such a positive dream the other night in the face of all these torments on my part, it really made me think. Why? Some undeserved twist of fate? A spontaneous lucid decision on his part with no real bearing on my situation?
Personally, I think it refers to what I just said. I think it means that in spite of everything I'm going through, the real me is not a terrible person after all, and that was his 4-years-late way of reminding me.
Heck, if I can keep something like our situation so positive for almost 6 years, I've got to have some redeeming qualities.

He's not the only one doing that for me, though, and you guys know who you are.
Thank you for truly caring when so few others do.

...
There's still so much to say, as always, but there's no time left to do that tonight.

I sincerely hope you're all doing better than I am.

My worm cathedral
Diseased by all the intervention
I watch them turning
Into things they might have been
These fatal days
Corrupted by our own perfection
You're looking to me
But there's nothing more to say