prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
 
(from various groups)

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"BENEATH THE MASK"

What labels have others wrapped you up in?

+ RELIABLE
+ CHATTERBOX
+ UNIQUE & INTERESTING
+ SMART, WISE, GOOD, STRONG
+ CALM, COLLECTED, CONTROLLED, SERENE, PROPER
+ CONFIDENT & OUTGOING
+ BRAVE, UNAFRAID, BOLD
+ INTELLIGENT & EDUCATED
+ THE "CARETAKER/ NURSE"
+ THE THERAPIST & COUNSELOR
+ INSIGHTFUL & INSPIRING
+ ENTERTAINING, FUNNY, SUNNY


What is the truth beneath all those labels?

+ KINDA WEAK
+ BOOK-STUPID, STREET-DUMB
+ INDECISIVE & OBSESSIVE
+ FEELS INADEQUATE & INEPT
+ DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE TALKING AT ALL
+ FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN & MONSTER
+ FORGETFUL, CONFUSED, LOST
+ I'M PROBABLY GUESSING
+ "AM I LOVABLE YET?"
+ GENDER DYSPHORIA HELL
+ MOST THINGS ARE FRIGHTENING
+ BIG-TIME RAGE PROBLEM
+ TRAUMATIZED
+ PLURAL
+ CRYBABY
+ TOO MUCH SUPPRESSED PAIN

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FORK IN THE ROAD

+ Always ask, "WHY am I doing this?" "WHY do I want this?"

Fears of giving up illness / reasons to maintain eating disorder:

Restriction & Binging= "coping" with trauma flashbacks (PHYSICAL) (FEAR of feeling body)
R&B = stay thin/ safe/ "not bad/ abusive"
R = Simple life; "don't have to think" about food/ fear
R = Feeling "morally pure"/ no contamination
B = "Exit door" for body panic/ sickness/ fear of poisoning/ "sinful eating"

Barriers to engagement in treatment:

+ Isolated environment
+ Trauma struggles
+ Moral misconceptions about food
+ Limited budget/ transportation/ storage/ resources
+ No place to eat in apartment!
+ Compulsive thoughts tied to "survival"?
+ Minimal support system

Wishes for the future / reasons to change illness:

+ No more OBSESSING over eating (I HOPE)
+ Want to be part of community
+ Heal relationship with family
+ No more having to confess chronic sin!!!
+ FREE TIME/ SAVE MONEY
+ NO MORE HYPOCRISY/ HIDING

SMART goal:

+ Make a place to eat in apartment!
+ Use SMO time & REDIRECT MIND through Klonoa, books, or TV?
+ Make a budget/ store stock list
+ Reorganize kitchen storage
+ JOURNAL THROUGH TRAUMA
+ GET A THERAPIST!
+ Practice eating with family 2x weekly
+ Go outside more, even just to sit (start w/ 1 hour a day?)

★ DEVELOP BODY AWARENESS: sensations, posture, body language, facial expressions

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IDENTIFYING YOUR E.D. MINDSET

When your E.D. mindset is actively "in place"...
What attitudes & thoughts about controlling your eating, shape, & weight do you have?

I'm scared of how sick I feel after eating certain foods, and I'm disturbed by feeling "full" or "bloated," so I'd rather not eat at all. "Food is poison"; "Food is dangerous and will hurt me"; "to feel healthy I must NOT eat"; "I must eat as little as possible or I'm a gluttonous animal." "Fasting/starving is "HOLY" and spiritually beneficial." "I shouldn't want to eat; if I do, I'm a slut." "A fat body for me is proof of indolence, indulgence, and SIN. Good bodies are thin." "If I'm heavy, I'm earthly, and I DON'T want to be"; "The smaller & lighter I am, the more free & pure I will be"; etc.

How do you feel in relation to controlling your eating, shape, & weight?

+ It feels UNCONTROLLABLE and I DON'T want to "fight with it" so I'd rather just NEGLECT IT ENTIRELY, and LET IT DIE OFF.
+ I get VIOLENTLY ANGRY at the thought of being "forced to eat" BUT I also want to cry when I'm "not allowed to eat"?? NO CHOICE!!
+ I feel like controlling my shape is "life or death." If I get fat, I become TRAPPED in the body, like a rape victim, with no escape.
+ If I DON'T mortify myself and instead give in to eating, I feel like a SLAVE OF SIN and end up bingeing AND purging (give in/ resist).
+ Seeing the scale go up feels like a Geiger counter; the body is swallowing me. If I can PUSH IT DOWN, I am the master; it cannot take over & kill me??

What do you do? How do you behave?

I restrict until I can't function-- usually thanks to blood sugar pitfalls & pulmonary suppression-- and by then I'm SO STARVED I end up bingeing, whether I want to or not. My body just WANTS FOOD and feels SO RELIEVED when it gets some, that it hits like a high. I keep eating until it gets miserable & scary & painful, forcing myself literally to eat more, then I purge-- and THAT'S a BIGGER "high," because it's "SAYING NO" TO THE ABUSIVE EATING & REJECTING THE TRAUMA. I go from being sick, shaky, nauseous, bloated, & dizzy to SUDDENLY being clean, calm, stable, & THIN. But then the body freaks out from dehydration AND hunger, and the whole bloody cycle can just RESTART.

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EMOTIONAL INVALIDATION

An invalidation social environment doesn't seem to understand your emotions & does nothing to help you.
They may be afraid that if they validate your emotions, you will get MORE emotional, not less.

+ When your EMOTIONS are INVALIDATED, you begin to LOOK FOR OUTSIDE CUES on "HOW TO ACTUALLY BEHAVE," and INVALIDATE YOURSELF instinctively? You DON'T TRUST YOUR EMOTIONS ANYMORE.
+ "Don't be such a baby"; "quit your whining"; "quit being such a chicken and just solve the problem"; "normal people don't get this frustrated/ upset"; = THESE EXAMPLES ARE ALL THINGS "WE" ACTUALLY SAY TO OURSELF.
+ I wonder that WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO VALIDATE OUR EMOTIONS EITHER?? Because we've internalized the INvalidation SO HARD. It would cause DISSONANT AMBIVALENCE, and a sort of existential confusion!!
+ We NEED to talk about this AND FIND NOUSFONI WHO CAN VALIDATE-- LIKE LYNNE USED TO???
+ I think a LOT of our internal invalidation instinct IS afraid of emotional meltdown?? Because we feel SO LOST & HELPLESS against that SHEER INTENSITY. So we "shut it down." BUT REMEMBER PERFECT CHAOS. INVALIDATION/ SHUTDOWN IS NEVER THE ANSWER!!!

Your environment may reinforce out-of-control emotions & actions. If others give in when you get out of control, it will be hard for you to get IN control. If others command you to change, but don't coach you on HOW to do this, it will be hard to keep on trying to change.

+ "I will ONLY get help/ respect IF MY EMOTIONS ARE EXTREME"; ONLY TIME YOU GET ATTENDED TO (even only negatively!!!)
+ "NEVER GOOD ENOUGH" when you DO struggle to change? "IT SHOULD BE EASY?" panic; "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?"

+ I'm starting to suspect that WE ARE A LOT MORE EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE THAN WE LET OURSELF ADMIT? We've just gotten SO USED TO SHUTTING IT ALL DOWN due to TRAUMA and toxic/ invalidating environments, that we've forgotten.

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EMOTIONAL REGULATION

+ WHAT IS THE ACTUAL DEFINITION OF "WELL-BEING"?? DO WE GET TO DEFINE THAT PERSONALLY??

ASK: Does this emotion fit the facts?

+ THERE'S A REASON WHY "FACT CHECKING" KEEPS GETTING PUSHED INTO YELLOW-- MOST OF OUR EMOTIONAL TURMOIL IS FEAR. THAT'S TRAUMA CONSEQUENCE. But it ALSO makes it VERY TRICKY TO CHECK "FACTS" because of hypervigilance?? It does NOT like "discounting POSSIBILITY." So the Yellows are handling the fear and NEEDING fact-checking TO KNOW WHAT TO ACTUALLY DO?? Which means we need some OBSERVANT & RATIONAL folks to HELP OUT, WITHOUT INVALIDATING THE FEAR!!

+WHETHER OR NOT AN EMOTION "FITS THE FACTS," IF IT IS EFFECTIVE, PRACTICE MINDFULNESS OF IT???
+ IF IT'S FACTUAL BUT INEFFECTIVE, YOU STILL SHOULDN'T ACT ON IT!!

+ The opposite action of FEAR is to approach-- UNLESS your health/safety IS in actual danger!
+ The opposite action of SADNESS is to get active-- BUT do respect loss/ take time to grieve; just don't STAY there. Christ gives us hope!!

+ SHAME IS HEALTHY WHEN JUSTIFIED!!!
+ The "action urge" to "hide/avoid" doesn't help; it only serves to PERPETUATE shameful behavior BY keeping it in the dark!! BE CAREFUL; DO NOT simply "seek approval" BUT aim for CHARITABLE ACCEPTANCE in a HEALTHY, UNDERSTANDING ENVIRONMENT.
+ The "opposite action" of SHAME is to tell the "secret" to people who will accept it-- UNLESS such people are UNHEALTHY/ amoral!!! Some people actually REJECT SHAME as a concept altogether-- they can/will "approve" ANYTHING, no matter how much that can rot a community's integrity. SEEK TO "BELONG" ONLY TO COMMUNITIES WITH INTEGRITY, HONOR, & COMPASSION! You CAN trust them to not only NOT condemn OR reject you, BUT STILL gently yet firmly correct/ redirect you if your behavior IS shameful!! THE KEY GOAL IS NOT TO "INVALIDATE" OR DENY SHAME, BUT TO BE ABLE TO DISCERN IN TRUTH WHETHER OR NOT IT IS JUSTIFIED!!! (i.e. violating integrity)

+ An example today of "repeating acting opposite to action urges" = I was afraid to eat the mandatory banana because of explicit trauma/ abuser associations. Fear is, at its core, UNJUSTIFIED in the NOW because 1) eating it CANNOT transform me INTO that abuser through "imitation," & 2) abusive association is NOT universal NOR definitive; the banana IS just a fruit!! BUT eating it WHILE thinking of trauma & being scared/ disgusted WILL NOT HELP my healing. To act "all the way" I MUST focus on the FACTS that validate the opposite action (approach) & its goal (effective action)!!!

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BODY IMAGE QUALITY OF LIFE TEST

"How does my body image affect different aspects of my life?"

+ Feelings of personal adequacy & self-worth are currently ONLY "possible" if I'm thin???
+ When I meet new people, I am hyperaware of "wrong impression/ assumptions" = WRONG "SELF"
+ LOTS of body image obsession/ judgment in family
+ Powerful affect on my day-to-day emotions; impacts my very sense of self & personality
+ Unsatisfied with life; I feel "trapped" by negative labels/ fate assigned to body image
+ I feel COMPELLED to hyperrestrict
+ I "CAN" control my weight, but ONLY to reduce it, by dramatic harmful means
+ Compulsive overexercising to the point of actual injury
+ Avoid all risk of attention to body; I want to be "dis-embodied"
+ Will NEGLECT daily grooming, unwilling to see own body
+ No confidence in everyday life; body feels "loose/ broken/ unstable/ flabby"; so too my life
+ Constantly miserable. Feel trapped, helpless, doomed, damned

THE APPEARANCE IMPORTANCE TEST

+ "When I see good-looking people, I..." = am honestly too fixated on their beauty to even think of myself, period
+ "When something/ someone makes me feel bad about my looks, I..." = Feel it as an attack on my self? "Body is an EMANATION of soul" terror; "if this BODY is ugly, then SO AM "I" = "secretly betraying the ugliness of my inner self"
+ "If I like how I look today, it's easier to feel happy" = If the body I'm IN is "good," then I CAN do/ experience "good" WHILE in it
+ "If I dislike how I look today, it's hard to feel happy" = If the body is "WRONG," I'm doomed to experience that wrongness while in it
+ "I wonder how strangers think about my looks" = I'm too scared about speech & dissociating (fear of abuse potential)
+ "Every day, lots of things make me think about what I look like" = rather, what I FEEL like. Tangible reminders. I actually FORGET how others see "me," typically.
+ I have no identification with my reflection in general
+ By controlling my appearance, I seek SOCIAL EXCLUSION? Undesirable = SAFE; GOOD
+ "I feel my appearance is responsible for most of what's happened to me in life" = all sexual abuse is tied to it in one way or another. "ugly/ gross" made me subhuman.
+ I compulsively compare my appearance to others? Not even thought out. Based on personal view of beauty, EVEN when inapplicable to "me"!
+ My physical FEELING has a big influence on my life, moreso even than basic "appearance"? It distorts my ENTIRE "sense of self;" I can't "be me" if the body looks/ feels WRONG/ FOREIGN

THE BODY IMAGE COPING TEST

+ Face/ hair = IDENTITY cues. If something is "off," I'm not sure who I "am."
+ Abdominal area/ feminine characteristics MUST be hidden/ denied
+ I don't like looking in the mirror at all
+ I often think, "what WOULD look like ME?" Mostly hair/ color/ aesthetic/ MUSCLE. Also ALWAYS "THIN."
+ I've NEVER identified with this body, arguably not even as a child, and constantly drew/ thought of myself as looking dramatically different. How often I'd even imagine myself as a monster!!
+ "Reassurance" from others about my looks is not relevant; they cannot see the real me/ physical "compliments" WORSEN the problem
+ I compare myself to "physically attractive" people only in terms of fitness? I DON'T want to be "attractive"; that is TRAUMATIC!!


COPING REACTIONS

+ I tune out my thoughts & feelings; they are judged as overwhelming/ unacceptable; ashamed to hear/ feel them
+ I eat things as a total sensory distraction/ childhood "reward/ mollify" tactic
+ I ALWAYS avoid mirrors; they cause existential dread
+ I tell myself I am "helpless to do anything" about the situation, ESPECIALLY with my weight gain, & people making noise. Causes me to despair/ give in
+ I withdraw from others entirely; I cannot even attempt to "be a person" & interact (forcibly) when so distressed/ shaken
+ I ALWAYS try to cope/ deal with the situation, even if it's a desperate or feeble effort
+ I try to ignore the situation & my feelings out of guilt/ shame for my responses; "unacceptable/ evil"; "only option" is rejection of them
+ I react by overeating AND PURGING. Sensory "override"; total involvement/ escape. Purge= GET POISON OUT/ EXPEL INVADER
+ I DON'T consciously do something that might make me feel good about myself as a person = SERVICE/ CHARITY is best. Do something kind; don't think about yourself! GIVE! Remember: TRUE GOODNESS IS NOT BASED ON OR AFFECTED BY BODY SHAPE!!!
+ I DON'T remind myself of my good qualities; they don't even occur to me; to "admit" any feels sinful. Is it? If not, please, make a God-honoring list.
+ I tell myself that I'm being irrational about my looks. "All flesh is grass." "Think of the flowers." Ultimately any TRUE fear is that my SOUL is ugly! FOCUS ON GOOD WORKS/ PRAYER!
+ I actually DO remind myself that the situation will pass, thanks to God! Stay "eternity-minded!"
+ I ALWAYS try to figure out why I am challenged or threatened by the situation. Make a habit of PAUSING to reflect on this, and JOURNAL IT OUT ASAP. No hiding! 
+ I tell myself that I am probably overreacting to the situation. My looks/ feelings aren't what God is gonna ask me about when I die!! Remember the big picture!
+ I DON'T consider that I will likely feel better after a while. I should, and do try to. But in the moment, especially in a crisis, I can't even conceptualize "feeling better." Not on my own.
+ I tell myself that there are more important things than what I look like. MY SOUL'S BEAUTY IS TOP PRIORITY; SOLI DEO GLORIA! HE is the TRUE foundation of my identity!!
+ I DON'T tell myself that I "probably look better than I think." That just fuels MORE pride & puffed-up feelings. "Looking good" should never be a concern.
+ As for being especially patient with myself... LEARN & GROW; NO BEATDOWNS!!! Lord help me with this. I AM learning; HUMILITY is essential. Remember: WEAKNESS IN ME allows GOD'S POWER to work in truth!
+ I DON'T tell myself it's "not that important" of a situation. That kind of talk can be ABUSIVE! Even in "small" matters, the WAY I respond to the situation IS important! Make sure it's healthy!!



prismaticbleed: (Default)


This was one of the most amazing dreams I've ever had.

It started as I was walking down the steps into my church's basement. I don't remember anything being visibly different about it, except that it seemed to be larger in size. Anyway, in the center of the room there were many chairs set up in a circle for a meeting (I knew this). Sitting in those chairs were a great deal of the Sonic characters, as I remember seeing Sonic himself, as well as Amy in passing. I was immediately hopeful that Chaos Zero was there, so I looked around-- and sure enough, he was. Even better, there was an empty seat right next to him. I snuck around the circle so he wouldn't see me approaching (as he seemed to be in deep thought), but then sat down without a warning, saying "Hello, beautiful." He seemed a bit surprised at this, but replied "hey," and I asked him what the meeting was about. I don't remember the exact details, but I think Robotnik was planning something huge and the heroes were all getting together to try and stop it. Either way, at one point the group began getting up and discussing points amongst themselves, so Chaos and I ended up walking off ourselves as well. I asked him what he planned on doing, and he replied that 'maybe he could go Perfect' and get that right this time. I was immediately worried, and told him that that may not be the best option in itself. After all, Perfect Chaos could only be triggered by 1. all 7 Chaos Emeralds (which we did not have) or 2. extreme negative emotion, such as pain/hate/anger/etc. I explained that I didn't want to see him suffer, and anyway fighting something negative with something equally negative wouldn't make any progress at all. Chaos asked me what I thought we should do then, and I told him that instead of using pain to power his highest form, so to speak, maybe we should use love; that way we wouldn't have to worry about another 1998. I then offered to 'be' the love he needed. Chaos looked at me for a moment, then agreed.
I don't remember any actual fight going on, but the next thing I remember we were back in the church basement by the stairs, and Chaos was in his Perfect form. However, I was actually inside Perfect (where his Ruby should be), and I was glowing bright red. Chaos 'melted' back into his normal form as several other StH dudes ran over, but I stayed all glowy-red. In all actuality, I was glowing like that because I was actually focusing on and 'emitting' positive energy (mostly love of course). I remember Cream, Blaze and Sonic thanking Chaos and I and they were all visibly affected by it. I even focused on Cream's cute personality momentarily to send some extra joy her way. I wasn't paying too much attention to the conversation around me as a result, but I do remember Chaos telling Sonic that he 'owed it all to me,' before smiling at me. Right about then, Selph (the Demia) flew over to the stairs, and told Chaos & I that he was 'so thankful that we were finally together.' Apparently he had been hoping we would work together like we did.
There was a huge scene switch here, and the next thing I remember, I was watching some group of dudes driving down a highway, singing at the top of their lungs and laughing. They drove over this huge bridge at one point (seriously, this thing was massive) and actually parked on it, getting out to walk around and see the view. Right then, the car-gang actually turned into my family, and I joined them. We were walking along the edge of the bridge, looking down to the water which was far below it. I lowered myself over the edge so I was only holding on by my fingers, and shimmied across the length of the bridge this way instead of walking. My brothers found this highly amusing. However, once we reached the end of the bridge and I got back up on the road, there was no exit to another road-- the opposite 'wall' of the bridge had actually curved over into a sort of canopy, and was shielding a dark, locked door beneath it. I walked over and went in, and was surprised to see a room that looked almost exactly like my house's bathroom, except that the shower was almost cybernetic in appearance. I stepped into it and picked up a small metal triangle that was sitting on the shelf. On it was written "FROST*,' my favorite musical group, and I understood that if I scanned the 'code' on this object it would play the music that was contained on it. I found a red barcode scanner beneath the faucet in the tub, and as soon as I scanned it, what sounded like "Hyperventilate" began playing. Almost immediately, a woman walked up to me from a room where the other wall would be (if it were the actual bathroom in my house), and started explaining that the government had locked her there due to a misunderstanding of her psychological state or the like. Either way, she was very upset about it and insisted it had been a mixup.
The 'dream perspective' switched here, to show a doll walking along the floor beside the bathtub. Disturbingly enough, the doll was a perfect rendition of Laurie, and after watching it walk and mutter to itself, grinning, I realized that she WAS the doll. She then walked over to a small brown bear doll in the center of the floor. It had no visible eyes or details beside a huge, gaping maw of teeth. Laurie smiled at it before lifting it up by the neck, taking out her axe, and brutally cleaving the bears head in half. It did not bleed, and split as if it were made of plastic, showing the inside of the bear's mouth on each half as its head split. Shockingly enough it began to talk, angrily asking why Laurie had to 'do this again.' It then reached up and pushed the two halves of its head back together, as two beady red eyes appeared on its face. I forget what Laurie's explanation was, but it was apparent that she and the bear were working together for some important reason.
The scene switched again here, and I was now on my porch.
I was standing over by the windows, looking out at the beautiful weather outside, when I realized that Chaos Zero was also there with me, although he was over by the far wall (the one covered in windows). I began talking about the Perfect scenario from before, mentioning that I wished that Chaos didn't have to typically suffer such negative energy for it, as that only compounded his problems. I told him that 'only love can conquer hate,' and then walked over to stand in front of him. He said something to me, I forget what, but I think it was a 'thank you' not only for the help earlier, but also for standing by him and helping him when no one else had. Either way I felt that maybe I should leave and not be a nuisance, but nevertheless I asked Chaos how long wanted me to stay there with him. Chaos laughed once, almost disbelievingly, then replied 'for the rest of my entire life.' I was taken by surprise for a moment, then smiled and hugged him tightly, which he returned immediately.
After this I heard my mother calling me from inside the house to 'clean up what was on the table,' so I told Chaos to hold on one minute and walked over to the table by the front door. Sure enough, there was a huge pile of books and CDs on it, and I began nervously digging through it, as a great deal of the objects in it were not only mine but were severely damaged. I clearly remember finding several Celebi-related items in the pile as well. After taking out all that I could find that belonged to me, I asked my brother to help me carry it in, but he dropped it on the way up the steps. That whole item-finding/carrying scene is very unclear to me, though, for as soon as my brother dropped them, I woke up.

However, I then fell asleep again.

As soon as I opened my dream-eyes, there was a small group of people holding up a large amount of colorful spheres up to me and demanding that I 'sing.' I originally thought the spheres were 'onions,' as they were covered in a sort of concentric 'skin' that looked like thick plastic. They also appeared to be lit dimly from the inside. Some were pink, some were yellow, and some were white-- but the most striking thing about them is that most of them appeared to be rotting. The few that were being practically shoved into my face were almost entirely rotted, and looked positively horrid. Regardless, the people still kept shouting that I 'sing' for them, but I said nothing. At one point the man who was holding the onion-things thrust them towards my face so sharply I thought he was going to hit me, and I couldn't help but cry out a bit. Someone behind him laughed and commented that it was the 'closest thing to a song' they were probably going to get from me. I didn't know what to do, when suddenly a man kneeling by my brother's bed shouted that the 'stones' hadn't been hidden correctly. Everyone turned to face him, and the man lifted up the pillows to reveal several Pokemon stones underneath them, such as Water Stones and the like. The pillow nearest to him had nothing under it, though, and he began to panic, saying that his 'Koffing must have found the Fire Stone.' He started shouting how he didn't want it to evolve, and I spoke up that Koffings didn't evolve from stones, but he reached farther under the pillow and pulled out a Pikachu doll, except its eartips were bright red. He said that his Koffing had turned into that, and explained that all Pokemon could actually evolve with any Stone, but the evolutions were unstable, which is why he was trying to keep his Koffing away. However, no one could fathom how a Koffing could have turned into a doll. The crowd by my bed turned to me for an explanation, so I quickly said that maybe the Fire Stone had caused the Koffing to explode, and the 'particles' left over had turned into the doll due to the Stone. I then said it was a total shot in the dark and made little sense, but it was the quickest thing I could think of to explain such a weird predicament.
The next thing I knew, I was outside, as a Celebi. I was flying over a street in the suburbs somewhere, and stopped over a house with a beautifully vegetated yard, complete with tall trees and tons of flowers. There was a Gardevoir and a Kirlia standing by the house's steps, along with another Pokemon that looked similar to a Gardevoir, but had more pink and was much more 'elegant.' My brother Ranndall showed up out of the blue and asked me what it was, and I said it was a 'Gorgeovoir,' a very rare 4th stage Pokemon. The point of view changed here and I explained that the whole scene we were looking at was just a 'model,' and I pointed out that I needed a Ralts figure to complete it. I think Ranndall offered to get one, but either way he ran off and became lost. The scene then switched to a very large, high-ceilinged store. It was huge both in terms of stock and size; the place was almost the size of a mall in itself. Anyway, I was there looking for Ranndall, flying around and mumbling to myself about where he could have gone. At one point I flew into the toy section and was so scanning the shelves out of curiosity as well, when I noticed a Disney book on the end of one shelf. Bizarrely enough, it depicted all the Princesses, but they all had Power Jewel marks. I shouted 'What is this??' upon noticing, and quickly pulled the book off the shelf, flipping through it as people nearby watched in surprise (due to my exclamation, no doubt). One line that I noticed said that the Princesses had 'special crystals' or something of the like, but I was too infuriated to keep reading. I set the book down, flew back into the air, and began singing about how I was going to 'sue Disney' for stealing everyone's ideas, especially because I had apparently made it known that I held legal rights for Jewel Monsters and their concepts. People in the aisles were watching me in confusion as I angrily flew by, still singing about my plans, when I reached the center of the store. There were cash registers below me and the aisles were all around me in a square, leading to this spot. I looked down and noticed Ranndall was there, and was about to ask him why he had ran off when a sickeningly familiar black shape flew in to face me... a light-eater. Yes, one of those dementor-esque beings I've dreamed of in the past. Upon seeing it, I froze in terror, and those within view began to shout and panic as well. Ranndall asked if it was indeed a Dementor, to which I exclaimed 'No, these are much more dangerous!' before screaming for everyone to get the heck out of the store ASAP. Hysteria broke out now, as several more light-eaters began pouring into the store. I focused my positive energy and attacked the one nearest me before flying straight up into the sky as fast as I could (apparently there was no ceiling). I remember seeing a few light-eaters flying in through the clouds towards the store, and worried if they could see me, but I continued flying up until there was nothing but blue sky above me. I forget if I was trying to call someone for help or what, but before I could do anything else, a light-eater came out of the clouds and saw me. Panicking, I immediately dropped like a bullet straight back down to the store, where the place was now swarming with screaming customers and light-eaters. Disturbingly enough, unlike 'eating the light' as I've seen them do in the past, these light-eaters were possessing people. Once they targeted a victim, they flew straight at them with deadly speed and disappeared into their chest. This would cause an immediate change in the individual, leaving them apathetic, cold, and yet paradoxically distraught, almost deranged (mentally, it would seem). A few individuals had grouped in a U-shaped aisle, and were frantically discussing what was happening to those possessed, and how they could avoid it. No one could figure out a working escape or defense tactic, though, and the discussion quickly turned to what they perceived the effect of the light-eaters to be. Suggestions included madness, cruelty, fear, and the like, until one older man solemnly stated, 'no... it's emptiness.' An almost palpable dread hit everyone within earshot, and they all began to run, albeit in a strangely slow manner, some starting to cry.
At this point I was aware of one woman who was running through the more panicked crowd, as she apparently knew where one of the exits was but was selfishly not letting anyone else know. The light-eaters were beginning to thin out (I guess most had already possessed people), and she wanted out before any more showed up and made things impossible. She reached a door on the far wall, and quickly snuck in before closing it (and locking it?) behind her. Surprisingly enough, it was a restroom, but there were no sinks and at the opposite wall there was indeed an exit door. The woman ran towards it but at the last second suddenly turned and bolted into the last stall, pulling the door tightly shut and tightly clamping her hands over her ears. Almost immediately there was an awful tremor in the building, and without warning, a huge wave of light-eaters slammed through the exit door (without opening it), causing the entire building to shake as if an earthquake had hit. There were so many of them it was impossible to count, and they were frighteningly fast. Once the last of them was through, the woman slowly got up, now sobbing uncontrollably, and ran through the still-closed exit.
The scene switched now, and I was in my house, frantically looking for something to fight or block the light-eaters with. I remembered this aquamarine cross I had in my room, and figured that was worth a shot, so I got out some masking tape with the intent of taping it to our door. However, I couldn't get the tape to work for the life of me, and eventually just figured I'd work with it and ran into my grandmother's room (my room). She was lying in bed, awake, and I began looking for the cross. I couldn't find it, though, and asked her if she had seen it. She said she hadn't touched anything, so I worriedly began looking for something else. I found a purple cross on the dresser and figured that would work, so I grabbed that one and taped it to her door so she'd be safe. I ran back out into the hallway and began talking worriedly to myself about what I could possibly do next, before noticing a large group of light-eaters coming down the hall. I continued to attack them with light energy, which effectively chased them off, when I suddenly stopped, thinking. 'There has to be a way to stop this and save everyone,' I said to myself. 'All Jewel Monsters are good at heart.' Apparently the light-eaters were indeed Jewel Monsters according to my knowledge (heaven only knows what species though). Little did I know, there was a light-eater within earshot, and upon hearing that I didn't think they were inherently evil, it actually stopped and appeared to sadly think to itself.
I have no idea what happened after that, though, as I woke up.

Needless to say, the light-eaters are now listed in the 5th Generation J-Monster book... and their Vice? Emptiness.

 


 

 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

 


You have no idea how this feels.

You get what you give, I guess. Just deserts. I had a few good days, and then the terrible pain I'm so used to by now came back full force. I'm not as entirely good a person as everyone seems to think.
Sure, I try, but what I try to do isn't the same thing as what I do in reality.
I feel so terribly sick on the inside.

On a related note, Julie is still trying to corrupt everything near and dear to me, even to the point of trying to insinuate her twisted motives into my understanding of her. I may not know much about that blonde demon other than the fact that she's ticked off that we're all in her body and so she's slowly trying to kick us out, but that's enough to keep me away from her as often as possible.
Natalie keeps dying; we're all getting a bit hopeless about her.
Lynne's doing okay; I just spoke to her a few days ago.
Laurie's stopped spitting blood at me, but I don't know if she's really stopped bleeding or not. She won't tell me... I guess she wants to keep me guessing, and with good reason.

I want to do better, everyone knows that... but it's rough.
At this point I'm just trying to hold on to the few things that keep me innocent, that keep some light in my heart, because I'm scared to death of losing them. I don't even want to think about what would happen if they suddenly disappeared.
I've been trying to pray a lot more lately, which is helped greatly by the fact that I know several religious dudes upstairs, haha. They help so much.
But I really do need help from my Father. He put me into this bizarre life situation for a reason, I'm positive... I just need to find out what that reason truly is, and live according to it.
The one thing I know is that God has given me a generous amount of potential for doing good. I don't ever plan to forget that, either.


I've been thinking about Chaos Zero a lot lately..
...You know what? I was going to save this for a deviation, but let me just state it here as it's getting late and I'm hurting from far too many things anyway.
FROST* has this song titled "Milliontown," in which they quote a line from a book (I forget the name).
Regardless, the quote is exactly as follows...

"Did you ever notice how, in the Bible,
whenever God needed to punish someone,
make an example,
or whenever God needed a killing,
He sent an angel?

Would you ever really want to see an angel?"


I first heard that on a very strange night last month (there's an entry about it here, but it's hidden at the moment)... and considering my situation, those lyrics hit me like a bullet to the heart.
You can probably guess why.

I've probably said it somewhere else already, but... in short, Chaos Zero is an angel to me.
Both ways.
Remember Sonic Adventure?
But in a more personal context... he's one of the most important blessings God has given me in this life, but at the exact same time, he's one of my most painful curses.
When I say that I'm afraid of really putting "us" out in the open, I mean that I've tried it before... and people don't take it well. Love is love, but I must admit that my love's a little unusual, and most of the individuals I've met don't realize that.
I do love him, though... much more than I should. I know that, but there's nothing I can do to change that now. When I love someone, I'm in it for life. That fact has not changed and, God willing, will not ever change in the time I'm on this planet.
Still, it costs me.

On the 'punishment' note... Perfection goes without saying... but thanks to Julie, I'm getting a lot of unexpected negativity from my chosen situation.
When someone means a lot to me, and she tries to seriously destroy their reputation or otherwise corrupt my view of them... well, it hurts. Not only because of the act itself, but because I'm not realizing that she's doing this until it's too late.
You people have no idea what sort of thoughts go through my head on a daily basis... a stupidly large portion of my mental processes are dedicated to fighting her off and keeping her quiet. This is her body, after all-- we're just stuck in it until we get the green light to cut it up (Laurie's impatient, though). Still, the point stands. I suffer a lot from her, but now the attacks are becoming less direct/ physical and more indirect/ emotional. She's now virtually attacking the people I love instead of me, and that kills me inside.
But that's a talk for another day.
In conclusion, really, although I sincerely hope that I can get Julie to stop what she's doing, I'll gladly bite the bullet and suffer through it if it means I still have something inherently positive that's causing her spiteful actions.
I'm getting off topic, though...

Vous êtes toujours à mon coeur.... mon ange, je t'aime.

He actually kissed me in a dream the other day, you know. It was a bit of a shock, but looking back on it, it really means something in light of what my daytime life has been like recently.
I've been doing a lot of terrible things... I'd rather not go into detail, but I'm truly sorry for all of it.
I know it gets old fast, all the apologies from me, but I say them for a reason. I might do the same awful thing over forty times and say I'm deeply sorry every time, but most people would start shaking their head by the fifth occasion. "If she really was sorry, she'd be doing better by now!"
That's not always true. I'm trying as hard as I can to do better-- I'm trying so freaking hard it hurts-- but that's no guarantee that I'll be able to succeed yet.
It also doesn't mean that I'm not sorry.
Those are the main contributing factors to my depression, really... extreme guilt trips and an overwhelmingly constant sense of contrition.
But it means something. It means that I'm nowhere near content with living this life, and I hope to God that means I'm still an honestly good person at heart.
I can't be sure, but... having such a positive dream the other night in the face of all these torments on my part, it really made me think. Why? Some undeserved twist of fate? A spontaneous lucid decision on his part with no real bearing on my situation?
Personally, I think it refers to what I just said. I think it means that in spite of everything I'm going through, the real me is not a terrible person after all, and that was his 4-years-late way of reminding me.
Heck, if I can keep something like our situation so positive for almost 6 years, I've got to have some redeeming qualities.

He's not the only one doing that for me, though, and you guys know who you are.
Thank you for truly caring when so few others do.



...
There's still so much to say, as always, but there's no time left to do that tonight.

I sincerely hope you're all doing better than I am.





My worm cathedral
Diseased by all the intervention
I watch them turning
Into things they might have been
These fatal days
Corrupted by our own perfection
You're looking to me
But there's nothing more to say

 


 

 

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