the spectrum heart cathedral system

"write a letter to your old body/ your ideal body (even if you never reached it).
explain why you thought you needed it at one time but now you are moving on.
allow yourself to miss that body.
then look to the future and tell that body how it doesn't align with your true self anymore."


Dearly broken, hurting, desperate, small body that was once mine: I cannot keep you.
Yes, you were beautiful in your own way. You were childlike, nimble, stripped-down, raw. You felt "clean"-- pure, light, absolutely minimal carnality. You toed the line between flesh and spirit, constantly burning away the former in the hope of becoming more of the latter. You filed all our edges and corners to bony points and angles. You were a wire and metal sculpture, silver-slim and sharpened. You were dying. You wanted to be an embodied knife-edge and our life was bleeding out for you.
Our limbs became fishbones. Your frantic sobbing desperation to abandon ship-self as much as possible was drowning us. I watched the weights as they dropped into the depths and I realized you would never be satisfied with anything but less. You were erasing yourself. You were committing slow & steady suicide. You were starving our entire being to literal death. And I NEVER WANTED THAT LIKE YOU DID. I WANT TO LIVE!
I miss your adolescent silhouette but it was a masquerade. You lied to me. I know the truth now, about BOTH of us. My body DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU. YOU ARE NOT ME. I'VE GROWN. I'M AN ADULT AND I HAVE SURVIVED AND I AM JOYFUL & CREATIVE & COURAGEOUS & STRONG! I am HAPPY to exist IN THE WORLD that GOD CREATED GOOD, and I am learning to TRULY LOVE MY BIG, POWERFUL NEW SHAPE. I am FAT and I will be MUSCULAR too. I am LARGER and I can HOLD MORE BEAUTY IN ME NOW. I am THICK & I TAKE UP SPACE & I'M WEIGHTY. I MATTER. I WON'T SHRINK TO NOTHING ANYMORE.
I LOVE THIS NEW FAT BODY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE AND I AM FULL OF THE GOOD THINGS OF GOD AND EVERY INCH OF ME IS PROOF THAT I WILL KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT. I'm not "just surviving" anymore. This body is FLOURISHING now.

(I'M A DRAGON & MY HEART IS FIRE AND I AM POWERFUL AND I WILL USE ALL OF MY BIGNESS TO PROTECT OTHERS AND LIGHT UP MY WORLD.)

Notes for dream last night.
(speech to text on phone)

We were at some sort of county fair but there were a ton of Bible study groups going on.
There was also a lot of food being sold for some reason.
I remember at one point a huge cart went by, full of dead deer carcasses, that had been shot. As it passed, I could clearly smell blood on them, like raw meat.
Almost immediately, I felt this triggering out Razor? I felt the pull in any case, but I knew it would be dangerous if she fronted so dissociation kicked in and i rushed out of the area i think? i remember feeling scared more on her behalf than mine, like it wouldn't be safe for her to be out around a crowd.
So right after that, we went to An Isle in the back and there were selling bags of carrots, And there were some that were literally about 4 inches wide. Huge things. So we grabbed the 2 bags and of course we were teasing Julie about the "lunker carrots"

The most important part of The dream was at the beginning and at the end.

At the beginning of the dream, I remember our dad was supposed to pick us up and drive us somewhere? But I think it was on a plane? I remember flying over the valley and seeing all these huge storm clouds.
But we got up the Homestead at one point and we had no socks? we were on the porch; jewel was looking for her phone. Yes Jewel.  And she Flat-out declared to the boys-- who of course were all kids-- "I think I left my phone with dad; I'm gonna go fly over and get it." And she was literally about to dream-fly outside. And something stopped her. I wish it hadn't, because her sense of absolute freedom and confidence was amazing.

The next important part is at the end of the dream.
Again, I know we are at the 'county fair' and I don't know who was fronting but we were Talking to this super cute Jewish girl. I remember she was wearing all pink. She was asking us why Christian families don't even teach the kids about anitsemitism. I said I didn't know, and unfortunately the community I grew up in didn't even tell me that it existed; I had to painfully find out that myself as an adult. She got really sad and started to read something on her phone, and went non-speaking. I recognize the behavior. And so I didn't even touch her or try to physically comfort her; I knew that would be triggering. So I gently asked her, "would you like me to leave you to yourself now?" she nodded yes.
So we got up to walk away but??  We were stuck behind all these crowds. People at stands were there, there was jewelry and makeup and really silly stuff.
And we were in a hurry for some reason so we tried to fly over Them? But we tripped somehow; they were moving too much. We fell on the ground and people were yelling at us and we felt really Disturbed and scared and-- lo and behold. Who came out full force fronting but RAZOR.
I need to note, she actually talked for like several minutes as we walked away. She was trying to justify herself I think to  People? that she wasn't dangerous. because I think they were freaking out that she was an alter.
I very clearly remember how clear her voice was, and her overlay and vibe. I also remember her explicitly saying how she used to be violent Because she hadn't learned what empathy was at the beginning. She didn't understand other people had feelings or felt pain. But then she said, when she realized that they did, And notably that Hurting people also hurt the hearts of People who cared about her victims, She stopped being violent Because now she cared about All of them too.

We reached a stairwell or something, I forget what, and then Razor switched out hard. The whole body shook and we were so confused; there was a huge gap of fronting memory loss. Then this super cute girl rushed over to help us and I remember how flustered we were. we said she was the cutest thing we'd ever seen. I remember she was wearing all blue.
Other than our mother and astra Showed up? They told us we had to stay at this fair until after 5 PM. they were trying to force us to eat fair food and also Do something with presenting someone else's craft? It was a metal Christmas tree sculpture of Sorts. We said no, we didn't know who was the person who made it, let alone what to say on their behalf or how. And we gave it back to her at the ticket booth. We weren't going to stay until five. I clearly remember us spitting out some food she forced on us, she gave us some sort of fried meat, it was disgusting

Now here was the best part. We somehow ended up going back to the stairwell; I think we were running away from mom.  But Razor switched back out and was running up them, But even she wasn't fast enough and then who switched out but MEWTWO???  And she said, "I could fly up the stairwell, straight up the middle!" and she did. Was amazing with that her fronting actually seemed to take over the whole body and give her her powers.
We made it to the roof and the sky was still as cloudy as it was in the dream, Purple and red stormy looking like a klonoa boss battle. And there was some sort of huge Canyon behind Where this fair building is. And some sort of giant spider robot creature there?  A final boss.
So we had to fight this thing in the body BY fronting. Because that was giving us powers this time, which is amazing. Razor and Mewtwo were out again, and so were Laurie, Lynne, and Leon and Julie. They all had their weapons and defeated that thing. It was amazing feeling everyone move through.

That's all I remember but it was so notable I had to take notes as soon as I woke up

Another rough day so far.

I keep getting massive stuttering panic attacks when I have to talk to people, even my own grandmother. I feel like I'm in court, like there is no such thing as an innocent conversation anymore. I'm so ashamed of myself, of my very existence right now. I know its because of the gluttonous weight gain diet I'm on. I'm utterly humiliated. I'm so FAT. Everything hurts, and I'm always nauseous. I can't even sleep at night. I want to sob.

People keep asking weird questions about my diet plan, too, and making weird comments. Even the kitchen. I want to throw up and scream and weep and die. I have no appetite at all anymore. I don't want to eat. I'm so bloody tired of food. The very act of eating feels like torture, like abuse, all over again. I'm so tired.

I still haven't heard a thing about inpatient.

I have a pounding headache again. I bet it's the butter.

I'm fasting tomorrow, though. I've decided. No meat, no butter. I have to. I'm getting so gross.

I must be severely intolerant to some food I'm eating. Maybe the cheese? It's new. But the headaches, the hot flashes, the heart racing, the fatigue, the phlegm coughs-- is this going to be my life now? Just sickness and suffering whenever I have to eat? Can I offer this up as a cross? Or does it not count, because it's a sin? Why is every act of eating objectively a heinous SIN???

I want to go home. I give up.

If there's no inpatient or residential, I will do PHP. Or even better, i hope there's no PHP either, and I can just dissociate from all this and pick up where I left off, taking care of grandma all day and all night-- a life of loving service, not demonic food.

Except... I was fighting and losing this war then, too. That's why I'm here, the asshole who ate enough to feed a small country and then puked it all up, sobbing and helpless and STUPID STUPID STUPID.

I just want this all to stop.

I want to cry.

My self image in nightmares is fat now, and fat = whore. Inevitably now if I become aware of this body in a dream, "I" immediately become a catty prostitute and end up reliving trauma memories. I hate this. I want to be thin and pure and safe and REAL again. Not this garbage bag of devil flesh.

I struggled to come to terms with my new reflection all last week. This body is so bloated I look like a corpse. My skin hurts all over like a bruise from the sudden stretching-out.

I tried real hard to give it a positive spin. "I have Mewtwo legs now," I thought. "I have an Alcremie body now." Trying to associate size with something sweet, something strong. But it's not working. It's fighting too horrific and powerful an enemy.

When I look in the mirror, I see everything I'm terrified of.

I have Y's legs.

I have C's face.

I have S's stomach.

I have mom's shape.

I want to DIE.

I WANT TO DIE IF I HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS.

...Maybe that's why I'm forcing the butter, besides UPMC programming. Everyone just wants me to gain weight, with NO thought for my psychological or spiritual health, and the fastest way to do that is by pushing fats and carbs. Butter and pasta. Literal whore food. If I saw myself eating that outside of this prison I would eviscerate this bloated body with a butcher knife.

God I miss knives, oh God I miss the knives and the razors and the sharp-edged combs. I wonder if I could get a plastic knife, smuggle it into the bathroom... get a plastic comb, break its teeth so it learns to bite. 2010 era flashbacks. White-haired, red-stained days. Blood and horror. Why do I miss that, so suddenly? Do I miss the family inside? Oh I do, I do, who am I kidding, I miss Knife and Razor and Wreckage and everyone else. I miss being alive.

"Lord, grant me an upright mind."

God, I cannot drag my mind out of this. I must think of You but I feel trapped in my mourning. Is that a sin? Is this pride?

God, how can I serve You even in this distress?

Let's go back to the body.

Laurie told me there is hope, there is possibility. Yes, I look hideously ugly and frightening right now. Yes, I feel very sick and shaken. But this hell space of food focus is temporary. Sooner or later, I will be in a QUIET place, away from constant strangers conversations, able to exercise and sleep and sing and play music and write and paint and go to church. Eventually I will be free of this. And then I can FIX THIS.

I can start running miles every day again. I can eat my safe vegetables and not push calories. I can go outside and see the trees. I can live.

But I can also utilize this weight, Laurie said. Looking at my body frame, I'm not as stick thin as I always wished and thought I was? I appear to be built sturdier, thicker. I've got wide shoulders and solid limbs. If I get an exercise routine going (remember the Sonic & Medabots biking days???) I can get this fat to fuel MUSCLE growth. So that's hope at least.

The deeper problem is... do I want to be so strong? Yeah, it's definitely a desirable possibility on one hand, but... even deeper down, I still... admittedly I want to stay 11 years old. I want my child body back, thin and slender and safe and pure and lively and bright and UNSEXED AND UNTOUCHED.

I want to cry. I can't grow up, not really. I can't integrate the concept.

...Well. The good news is I just threw up. My sitting nurse is that super quiet handsome guy that first sat here after I had that trauma meltdown from that one lady last week. Thank God. I know the redhead kid last night had his purpose too-- I learned a LOT from that-- but the mental and physical pain I was getting from lunch was too much to bear safely. I was legit PLANNING to bleed. That CANNOT be taken lightly, in BOTH senses-- blood is holy and should NEVER flow for something as stupid as self hatred over food. Now, if it was in atonement for my gluttony and wastefulness... but no. Not even that justifies it anymore, now that I understand my faith more.

...They just started singing the Anima Christi hymn on EWTN. I want to cry. God, I cannot fathom how You can still love me like that.

...I need to return to the growing-up concept, now that my stomach is emptier and I can form a coherent thought.

I am, honestly, afraid of looking like I did when I was about 17, before I started to drop weight (remember I was GORGEOUSLY THIN in 2012; I miss that so much). High school was the last time I was fat-- once college hit, trauma memories resurfaced and that weight became a tangible, inescapable perpetuation of it. But prior to that, prior to the Spectrum waking up-- yes, there was a time when it was ONLY the coregroup gang-- I did not remember the terror, and my childhood had been buried for protection, so the body was wild and manic and energetic and RED. Every photo I see of the body from high school is FRIGHTENING. The eyes are wild, the clothes are tight, the muscles are firm, the grin is violent. She was a demon in a very real sense, at least looking back visually.

But our INNER world back then was PROLIFIC despite the physical beastliness. Our inner self, that "Jewel," was the one who was obsessed with Trigun and Chrno Crusade and Zatch Bell, with Medabots and Sonic and NiGHTS and Pokémon, with Yugioh and Sailor Moon and DragonBall Z, with Tokyo Mew Mew and Transformers and Fullmetal Alchemist. She LIVED in media and she LOVED the souls she met there. She lived ENTIRELY out of herself. So she never even knew what her body was like. But she was MANIACAL in her own right. She had more sheer energy that she knew what to do with. Yes, she loved to run and exercise, that we know. But as for life in public? She was nonexistent. And when you put a manic red wildness out among people... you get hell. You end up with a gluttonous, violent slut.

That's why the photos are terrifying. SOMEONE ELSE WAS DRIVING THE BODY, because the STATE of the body was INCOMPATIBLE WITH OUR TRUE SELF. If our current Jewel, crazy as she was, couldn't even inhabit it... then our child self NEVER could. And that means that big body was INCOMPATIBLE WITH INNOCENCE. It could never be pure. It could never be gentle. It could never be safe. It could never be good.

So. I NEVER WANT THE BODY TO LOOK LIKE THAT AGAIN BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT EVILS WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ITS SIZE AND STRENGTH AND HEALTH, and I KNOW THAT IT IS A HELLFIRE ENVIRONMENT THAT WILL INCINERATE ALL CHILDHOOD PURITY IN AN INSTANT.

A big body is nothing but a furnace for destruction. I'm sorry. I don't care about potentially being muscular. That's not my job. It's not my purpose. I NEED to be small and thin and pure and good because like it or not, MY HEART IS RED and if you put that color in the wrong environment IT WILL ANNIHILATE ITSELF.

The trauma dreams prove this. My own bloody reflection right now proves this. I think that's why I keep having panic attacks and sobbing. I cannot cope with this literal hell. I would rather die. At least I would die pure.

But am I pure? Or am I just desperately grasping for it in the wake of unbearable loss, trying to scrub the tar out of my soul and hoping there's still white underneath?

Only God can save me. Only God can heal me now. Only God can fix my utterly broken body and soul, but at this point I would genuinely be happiest if He just... forgave my heinous sins and washed me clean in His blood and let me die like that. I don't want to live anymore, I see no future for me-- except, no, I do, but it's impossible to realize physically and THAT makes me want to cry until the entire world is flooded from heartbreak.

Sounds familiar, doesn't it.

...That's the only way I could ever grow up. Somehow, maybe. God knows. But it's the only possibility. It's the only blessed option. Every other path to adulthood is hideous with trauma and its frantic stains of regret and terror.

I still want to be a nun, yes. But somehow that doesn't register as "growing up." It feels rather like perpetual childhood, because it IS so absolutely inherently pure and kind and good and gentle and safe and holy and untouchable. Religious life IS my ideal, and if God is willing to accept me as such, then please oh Lord, accept me. Guide me to the right convent. Show me, clearly please because my mind is broken, where You would have me live and love You. Show me, I beg of You, if it be Your Will for me.

...but. if it's not.

then my only other option to grow up is to get married.

and there's only one safe way for me to do that in the entire created universe.

...I can't even type it. It's too sacred. I cannot talk about it in common language, in words that even the secular culture uses and abuses and mocks and mangled. It's SO blessed a thing that, as I tragically said, it isn't even possible in this world-- not with this body, not with this past. Unless God works a reality-bending miracle, I cannot get married in this physical life, not as marriage is meant to be. I know this.

...but, God, lately I've actually started to want it.

Oh, I never really did before, not truly. I know this too. I took a simple vow of celibacy in 2nd grade, disgusted by dating and infatuation and sexuality as a whole, and I kept it right up until the initial onslaught of abuse took it from me in 8th grade. That broke me, and ironically cemented my determination to detach completely from all sexuality in this world, especially marriage, in which it was mandatory.

...Then I fell impossibly in love.

Seven years later, my heart changed completely, and... for the first time in my life, I had hope that God could fix even me. I had hope that, despite everything, God could heal my shattered soul and show me what He meant marriage to be.

But I went about it wrong.

I brought the body into it.

And everything went to hell.

It's an old story. But it's important in this context.

...I don't want to eat dinner tonight. I'm actually not bloated right now. I've also been exercising as much as I can while hospitalized and that is helping too. But... if I don't eat tonight, I will get in trouble, and they're weighing me tomorrow anyway so if that number drops I'm really sunk. God help me, I'm so tired of food.

I'm starving but I'm so tired of the food that perishes. It's not what I need.

I need the Eucharist, for one. That's tops. But flowing from that, I am so tragically hungry for love.

...I guess you could say I even have an appetite for it.

God, You knew what You were doing, giving me that dream, huh. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, Father Cedric Pisegna drove that point right between my ribs on Sunday, too; the spiritually hungry look for spiritual food, and God promises that they will find it. Without that appetite, there's no seeking. Without that want, that ache... and I'm not talking about the physical. That garbage has nothing to do with this. I'm talking about a hungry heart. I'm talking about deer and running streams. I'm talking about "This is My Body." I'm talking about LOVE. I'm talking about GOD.

And that's why I want to get married.

I've been....obsessed with the entire concept lately, as a concept, as a core, a heart-- the essence studied apart from the worldly distortions and lies. Looking at its very soul has shown me the absolute beauty of it, the absolute holiness of it, and I understand why Christ is the Bridegroom and why He constantly talks about His relationship with us-- us!!-- in marital terms. It's mind-blowing and yet it's TRUE-- and that would have TERRIFIED me at any point in the past when I didn't get it. Because I didn't, not until now.

But why now?

Maybe it's because I know I'm dying. Maybe it's because I know I'm starting. Maybe it's because I'm so tired of not loving as much as my heart demands and the only way TO do so is to give myself to my beloved totally. That's how God does it. And I think-- no, I know I must do the same, or my heart will die from sorrow. I'm RED, for heaven's sakes. My entire soul is defined by ardor, by holy fire, by warmth and life and blood and... and love, love so absolute and true that it must encompass everything. God is Love, and the Trinity is a relationship, and Jesus is our Bridegroom, and if we therefore want (need) to immerse ourselves fully in that love, we have to get married. Either to God, or to a God-loving soul. I can only be a nun or a wife.

Except I think God is changing that "or" to "and." Paradoxically.

I cannot get married physically. I might not be accepted into a convent because of my health. BUT. I can still somehow be both a 'nun' in the world and a wife in my heart. At least, God, I hope so. I want that more than anything.

I can still be a consecrated virgin physically, I hope. At least I can vow myself to God nevertheless.

But in my innerworld... I am so wracked with indecision. I can't just turn off love. I can't just act like eighteen years of love never happened. I can't just abandon the only thing that has ever legitimately felt like a vocation to me... yes, awfully, even moreso than wearing a habit, because to be totally blunt with you, my joining a convent would involve more than a little bit of "running away from the world to be with God" and that's not proper motivation. Honestly I just adore God and in a sense I feel like being a nun is the ONLY way to love Him enough.

...But He also gave me someone that I love so much, it has brought me closer TO God than anything else in my entire life. And God knows that. I know He does. We've talked about it.

And that's where I stand tonight.

...but if I died tonight, I wouldn't even care about marriage or my body or anything. I just care about God. He's all that matters, no matter how stupid and wretched I've been. God, I really do love You more than anything. I'm so sorry for everything. Please, forgive me, and have mercy on my poor soul.

The system has been more alive and true and loving today than it has been in YEARS.

Woke up 6am, listening to Spotify with chaos & laurel

Painting for 2 hours while watching the daily mass & rosary

Huge jewel creature typing in car

Website talking with grandma

Xiidra mascot NEW OUTSPACER!!!
Me trying to figure out his name as I brushed my teeth (good time to go upstairs). I was talking about Greek word roots and mentioned that "phlégō" meant "burn," as in "achy burny eyes" and that I definitely felt resonance there. still it was definitely a medical term so i was unsure. Suddenly GENESIS goes, "you mean phleg-MONEY" and starts 'making it rain' over the guy in question, who is absolutely bewildered. I give Genesis a look for a second and then just go "welp, that's it, that has to be his name now, THANKS GENESIS" to which he replied "YOU'RE WELCOME" wearing sunglasses indoors

My power: "revealing potential of hearts" outside of time/space??? Celebi + klonoa powers basically

Catechism class "stop punching God"

17th anniversary furniture jokes

Genesis is a gold-plated pool table apparently

Infi seeking a new name "not based on negation"
possibly SEMPITERNA???

Talking to Spice, trying to find the "pudding kid" who is trying to "go back in time" to childhood family peace & harmony through food memories

Daily Bible verse is the SAME ONE I quoted to phlegmoni

Now to sleep in SANDMAN PAJAMAS ❤

All this thanks to God. Last night I wholeheartedly begged Him for the System to come back.

He answered. 🙏🥺❤

Thought #1:

My body/ sensory self is named Jessica and SHE NEEDS TO DIE SO SHE CAN BE RESURRECTED!!!

My "new self" in Christ is STILL named Jewel, because no matter what, God seems to be protecting and sanctifying that name for me.


Thought #2:

I have been judging my self worth, and the worth of my interactions and responses, by Whether or not they are ENTERTAINING.

It's my "spinel curse." She really is me. If I feel I cannot make someone smile or laugh or brighten by my presence alone, even-- if my existence fails to lighten the burden on someone else's heart, if my words fail to lift their spirit, if my actions fail to soothe their pain, then I feel my existence is utterly worthless and downright damnable.

Now this is a worthy aspiration, but the problem is that I GIVE IT NO BREAKS. I do not allow room for clumsiness or mistakes or poor judgment calls. I do not even allow space for expressing, let alone admitting, my own tears and pain and not-so-happy emotions. "But doctor, I AM Pagliacci." I'm always the clown, and although part of me does love it, I NEED to also be FULLY HUMAN and that means I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT. But... I DO always have to be a source of comfort. This is vital to my existence.

Yet the point still stands. I have NO tolerance for failure on my part, and that inevitable weakness therefore inevitably ends in self-destruction. Why am I so merciless in this respect? Am I just terrified at the very FACT of failure to do the most good? When does such moral perfectionism become egotism and pride? Where do I draw the line between power and powerlessness here-- between capacity and incapacity, between duty and disability? If we can only do good by Christ in us, does my lack of goodness mean He is NOT with me??

It's all too heavy, and scary, to untangle now. But here it is.

I was a celebi; flying, singing outside house at night? White ceiling sky. Felt existentially awful, but I was resolute in hope.

Then a college? Art projects. I was famous there for past work-- Anubis masks?? INFI FRONTING, was TOTALLY WRONG and Knew it. DIRTY DARK PINK.

"Malaria cure in a can"

 

 

G1 (R-B-Y, SEPTEMBER 1998-1999)


Mewtwo (solid powerful heart persona. ace/aro/agen, childlike, dreamworld ties?)

Mew (4th grade or so persona. shifted quickly.)

Nidoking (first Pokémon, early Outspacer/Link connections)




G2 (G-S-C, OCTOBER 2000-2002)


Celebi (bright energetic cheeky persona. ace/aro/agen, flirty and troublemaker.)

(lots of DW links but no other outspacers)




G3 (R-S-E, MARCH 2003-2006) (FIRST "LOST" YEARS)


VERY powerful personal ties to this generation; the "new" Jewel's beginning point

Jirachi (some definite persona attempts in 2004, fell through. tied to DW ultimately.)

Banette (dream influence, became Gleam in the Links)

Blaziken (Jewel's main. Had vague Outspacer connections)

Latias (dream influence, but no Links ultimately)




G4 (D-P-P, APRIL 2007-2010) (VERY TROUBLED YEARS)


There is DRAMATICALLY LITTLE memory of this trio.

Mesprit (possible connection but didn't really go anywhere.)

Darkrai (first Links w/ the movie, then Outspacer roots, became Ventrium)

(Manaphy and Shaymin are here but they have no connections to anyone.)




G5 (B-W, MARCH 2011-2) (SEMI-LOST YEARS)


Very broken memory of this trio. Feels utterly alien for the most part.

Victini (Jayce persona resonance, briefly.)

Reshiram (dream influence.)




G6 (X-Y, OCTOBER 2013-NOW) (FRACTURED)


Aegislash (some connections but got badly hacked as a result)

Diancie (Jewel persona resonance)

Hoopa (sub-Jay persona resonance)

 

 

 

 

 

I haven't been updating in a while because I've been running away.

Somewhere along the line my family situation and world situation "convinced me" that I had to be "normal" or else I would only suffer always. I was told I had to sacrifice everything "weird, crazy, or evil" and become a good normal girl, in order to be happy always.
Happiness is bullshit, if this is happiness.
Let me elaborate on this.
I don't want war. I DO NOT WANT WAR. The demons are trying to start one again, now that the old System is currently somewhere out of my reach (by my ignorance, it can be brought back, but it will take huge amounts of trust and bravery and self-love that i am currently frightened to summon?). The demons torment me daily now.
They are the "floating voices," as you know. They still attack me, torment me, shout at me through my own voice. They can't hack me like Julie did, thank God, that timeline is erased forever.
Laurie told me yesterday (she can still reach me, says it's very distant and difficult but she was the first "headvoice" so I don't think she'll ever be truly cut off) that Julie "loves me for that," in a pure gracious way, for effectively scratching our entire old history for good, turning it from fate into a fable. Julie has now been forever pink, forever kind and sweet, as it were, no matter what our linear experiences here may suggest. Time has changed. I like when it changes.
But there hve been hints that that entire original timeline was forced on us. We grew into something evil and dark that was never meant to be our true home. There are hints that a new one is trying to be manufactured, from the strings of the old, from the ancient angry girls again. The roots of gluttony and sloth and self-neglect. Filth and apathy.
It's not salt crystals. It's corrosion. Salt, is good white crystals, it's good for driving out demons. I think this is sugar, a different sort of black under guise of white. All that bleached-white stuff, gunk, Jessica food. Tied to horrible self-hatred. I want it gone.
But they are trying to start another war. There ARE good floating voices, "angels" or such, that do guide me well, but they are confused too and frequently don't realize the most efficient way of communicating. Their language throws me off sometimes.
Also I have realized that as long as I am terrified that THEY are evil voices, I will tend to doubt them, out of confusion. It's a weakness.

I go into trances far too easily. The old timeline attests to this, the dissociation and horrible hacks. I very easily go into trances and that's not good, not when that happens during the day, and I end up following programs, automated patterns, obligatory learned behavior. I catch myself doing things through a fog sometimes, at a distance, not understanding why, not able to "feel" anything enough to stop. It's awful. I know it's logically not healthy, but I can't feel any concern. It's not real, it seems. I can't get my brain to "focus" and accept that this is something happening to me. Maybe it's a self-preservation instinct gone wrong, "if we accepted this was happening to a body that housed US, too, it would be horrific." So we depersonalize. It is impossible to heal, or grow, in this situation, unless we embrace heartspace again. That is a fact.
But people tell us it is evil. I don't care. Some things may be, some of them may be, I can't tell anymore, I really cant. the apathy is horrible, it's forced apathy, it's scar tissue. over and over again. a bleak white scab where my heart once was. it's a result of too many hacks, too many liars, too many slipups, too many abusers with changing faces. too much bleedover. too many flashbacks. not knowing who is who anymore and feeling too much sickness in others.

I want to leave so much behind and so much needs to be abandoned in order to grow.
Maybe that's why I'm falling into addictions lately. Stupid addictions, mostly food-related, related to biting and staved off only by the lingering purgation mechanisms. We're losing a lot of money, but atoning habits are now kicking in to stop that. It's immensely beneficial and works better than anything else. Knife would be proud of me. Maybe. Maybe someone else. I'm telling you, there are weird fringe-feelings of new people, of new places, of a whole new working mechanism in a paper-clear midspace realm, something like frosted glass with a bite, coming into focus. New people. When I go into body meditations I can feel them, I can see them, they come out into the body. Every time. Is that why the bad voices keep trying to distract me from meditating? Because when I do, I come face-to-face with the awful, glorious, undeniable fact that THIS IS REAL???
Who the hell are you. Who are you to tell me they were evil, that they were fake, that they are leading me astray, whenall YOU do is call me a "faggot whore" and other awful things, and keep me from doing any self-improvement???
"Follow orders, follow orders," "read read read," that's ALL YOU EVER TELL ME. I am so damn depressed because my day is full of nothing but READING, page after page after page, and you know what??? Before I started enslaving myself to these websites-- and they ARE good sites, but in moderation, you can't overdose on that either, remember in SLC we wouldn't even leave the house without consulting the sites and that was profoundly unhealthy but you would approve even now i think-- before all that, I STILL got this sort of information. Different, maybe, but true, the same.
Now you are calling "blasphemy." Define that word. "Calling God unto yourself," you say. "Claiming you know what God wants." And do you? Yes? Would you call me a faggot in the same sentence? "I'm calling it like it is," you say.
And there's my doubt. Remember Laurie started out like this, once, ages ago? That SAME Marywood-hallway energy vibe is STILL here, still holding some sort of voice, something like she was once. Berating me, hating me, furious and scathing, but as a force of admonishment.
Would you believe that is what I miss the most?
Does that... is that legitimate? Does that count? "Everyone has their own spiritual path" they say, but too many of these new-age people make it feel like it HAS to be all yoga poses and fruit smoothies all the time. "Oh, abandon ALL that keeps you from being happy! :)" they say. And it makes some old, but young, part of me so angry, so sad. It feels like Cannon's age, something awakened around high school, when we started to open our eyes.
What is happiness, I now ask. Is it allowed to be "different" for us? There's that pronoun I can never stop using. Maybe your happiness is that sort of admittedly-cliched vegan stereotype that these spiritual websites conjure up. Maybe, for you, that sort of life (which to me feels hyper-stagnant and painted-on, I'm sorry but I don't think it's for me but these damn voices insist I obey, are they right??) is perfect. Maybe so, and that's great, then follow it with all your heart.
But... I don't want a war. I don't want a war, ever again, don't you dare fcking touch me ever again, but...
When I go back, it starts again. Which is why I want to abandon everything. Somehow start a new session, pull a Jade Harley, grab everyone and move into a whole new universe.
Infinitii "survived," somehow, for lack of a better term. I saw no one for at least a solid month and then one day Infinitii was in my mind, colors changed and name turned around. "Eternos" ze called hirself, all white with pink eyes and strange horns I couldn't quite see well. A different vibe, something more solid and bright, something closer to Laurie. I'm not sure what that was about yet, I haven't looked into it.
The inner Cathedral is still centered around blood. Still. This holy white place, all gold and roses, a temple, but falling apart now. The Christ-child there, the archetypal infant of new life, like at Christmas all over again, is there and I can't tell what it is feeling. I look at it lying in that little white bed and it is crying and it is smiling and it is laughing and it is angry. I cannot tell. All of it?
And there is blood, a waterfall of blood, this gorgeous ruby color, the purest thing I can imagine but it's blood and there's this spiral crystal staircase beneath it and I can't see where it goes. Down into the earth. This is so different. What is it?
Baby, child of potential, I see your tears either way and it terrifies me because I see how broken this temple is. Your home, your birthing-place, somewhere to honor you, and I'm letting it get shot to shit because I live here too. And it shatters my heart, it makes that same part of me want to scream and cry, that teenage demi-girl, that raging self who suddenly realized that she deserved more than the hell she was passively letting herself burn in. Same as this. The oldest thing in the book.

Happiness. Can it include this blood? Can it include shadows? Can it be, somehow, divinely, with all hope and against all logic and orders, inclusive of our heartspace people?
Infinitii, Infinitii, dear beloved creature, I loved you once. I'm sure some part of my soul does, still. But now, the thought of loving you, at all, makes those floating voices glare at me with zealous rage, condemning me. "Sinner!! You go against God!!" I find it hard to believe, looking at you, a strange echo of God in your own right, always were, but the cry of blasphemer keeps tearing at my ears and so I shut down. I shut down, I shut off, I go back into addictive loops, blinding myself to myself, always exhausted and irritable because I want to cry and sleep and love but I can't, not when I'm being told the truest parts of my past were the vilest.

Yoga isn't bad. I do it spontaneously, then it's good. I can't do these weird scheduled ordered breathy classes, it feels so false, it makes me ill and sad. Same thing with the diets, with the candles and incense, with the "spells" and other "magicky" things. When it comes from my heart, hell when it USED to come from Dream World, it was FINE and I loved it because it was MY thing, my intuitive thing, not someone's barked commandment or smile-stamped insinuation. Now all of that is practically being demanded of me left and right, "do THIS, just like THIS," and it always feels like there's an "OR ELSE" tacked to the end. "Oh, you'll end up doing it just like this eventually, when you're good enough." Essentially, "if you're not ready to do this, you're still blind/ asleep/ ignorant/ afraid/ etc." Like there are NO other options. And I HATE that, because I AM doing half that stuff already BUT when you put it that way I want to STOP. I want to stop, because NOW you're putting it in terms of ABSOLUTES, and my kneejerk reaction is-- and always has been, for better or for worse-- to test the hell out of it.
"I can't do this," you say? Bullshit. I can. I can do ANYTHING, I am impervious, nothing is impossible. And then I WILL do it, even if it makes me sick, even if I regret it horribly, even if I end up with scars and a sore stomach from it. Some little part of me will be standing like a soldier, not proud but determined, saying "I told you it was possible."
Language. It's all about language.
I am a terribly visual person. Lately I've been unable to read unless I have accompanying pictures, either literally or mentally (which is making this "obligatory" binge-reading hellish, as it's walls and walls of text I get overwhelmed by, even if I WANT to read it). But when I do hear words, the structure is key. I'm realizing that. It's vital.
The "angels," or whatever they are, the voices that try to help me-- they don't quite get this. They're rather simple-minded and straightforward. "Don't eat this," they say, sternly. Then the teen-girl part of my brain gets upset, hears an "eat this" as well as a residual insinuation that "don't" means "can't." So she eats it, even if she despises it and doesn't want it, to prove a point or something. I really don't know. This is weird and it's been looping for weeks, if not years, so obviously we haven't learned the full lesson from it yet.
I still say, it's forced dissociation. We've grown enough to be able to enjoy proper eating now-- which is a HUGE milestone-- as long as it is healthy for us, and not stressful. We can't have sugar, because it makes the body ill, and causes hacks. See, you have to BACK UP your "can'ts" and "don'ts" or they WILL be tested in order to FIND such backup. That's how our brain works. Is that bad? Or is it GOOD, to question such empty words until they carry meaning, truth, relevance?
We can't eat in busy, noisy rooms, because then we tend to depersonalize and dissociate, causing abusive and/or destructive eating. It's very unsafe and harmful to all involved. So we must be careful there too. And we CANNOT, we MUST NOT, eat dense foods. This is important and I say this with compassion to all involved, because it's tricky. Dense foods ARE NOT BAD, that's been a misconception for many months. No, they're just too heavy for us personally. It's like putting diesel fuel in a compact car. It's not going to run. But a vehicle that runs on diesel will work great! So the thing itself isn't bad. That's important. We're integrating that now, we no longer hate foods, which is so relieving. We're no longer afraid of foods either. Now we can recognize, "this just isn't what I need now." It bumps heads with "but CAN I eat it?" often yet, and the answer is yes we can, but it's not wise to do so. Just the phrase "not wise" needs to be changed, because currently it carries the connotation of "you're a fool" which is a very negative sentence and it causes negative responses. Language!

Where was I. I'm kind of rambling today. There's so much. It feels nice, like starting a race again after stepping out for a year, if that makes sense? Like getting back on the path, on the road, after having gotten lost for a while, wandering because someone told me it was "better to do so" and maybe it was for them but it's not bad to walk the path either. I'm tired of feeling terrified and obligated all the time. Is that bad?
It's getting late. Let me just recap my thoughts here.

Release the old that is no longer working. Remember that the "new" can ALSO count here, if it doesn't work. Just because something is a "new option" doesn't automatically make it correct, especially not unquestionably so. That's a harmful thought process.

Oh! BIG important thing I almost forgot.
I mentioned previously I've been holding Jewel Monster forms more often lately. I didn't realy mention this is purely spontaneous, total overlay and very individualized energy. Oddly for the past few days I've been getting a Purganiuso overlay (earlier stage in the Angelorei growth line), but still with the Joy/Jubilation Virtue, and still with Angelorei days too. So that's unusual. There's far more "personality" in the Purganiuso form-- the Angelorei one is mostly church-based and feels tied to that piety, unsurprisingly-- but it's compassionate. As it I feel more of a desire to treat myself with integrity and respect and love. I must, as that species; it's hardwired really. But I wanted to say that.
Also. The other night, after seeing Infinitii again (as Eternos), I wondered about this whole "gap" thing again. Stuff still felt segregated, in at least three pieces now, especially with me as a Jewel Monster which is incompatible with headspace so to speak. And I got the phrase, "bridge the gap." As in, BE THE BRIDGE. Intuitively it made massive sense: I was able to step into every one of those spaces, and as this now, moving freely about, I could bring them all together in threads-- something like that. Also Xenophon was hugely important in the same, not a "native" Jewel Monster but with deep species ties as one nevertheless. Hard to explain in brief right now, I need to type that up somewhere for public reading. But "Jewel Monster" is kind of a collective term, people can become one even if they weren't before, suffice to say that much. It's promising. Either way "bridge the gap" is at the forefront of my mind and heart. I feel that role now, that mission, tied to my Angelorei self. Somehow I need to connect all of these world-spaces, these different platforms within and without, to unite it all. Unite the inner worlds AND the outer world. That's important, so important. And we can do it. I can do it. Maybe I'm the only person who's been able to do it, now, someone born in heartspace but holding this form and living in the outside. It's unprecented. And it's hopeful, so hopeful, with so much joy held in promise within it.



We start a new therapist tomorrow. That was the impetus for this.
I don't know what's going to happen but I WILL NOT LIE or sugarcoat anything. And even if it terrifies me, even if it shatters me first, which it may, I WILL make sure Laurie is there with me for it. I think the universe is demanding that too, the new office we are going to is painted purple on the outside. Violet demands integrity, honesty, true compassion. It's the color of kings and divinity, it's a regal holy humble gorgeous color and it feels just like the vibes she gives off, and I won't (can't) forget that. It's too profoundly impressed upon my heart; it's too true.
That's what I mean. There's a feeling of realness, of tangible joy and something bright and incredibly expansive, like a tunnel opening up into a vista, when I think of them. Not the stuff we went through, but us. The truth of us, forging new paths even now. Let go of the old, that timeline is dead, it no longer serves us. Let's rebuild, let's continue to rebuild.

The other day, New Year's night actually, I kept getting all this internal feeling and imagery of flowers. People and roses, really, no idea why but it was so so relevant.
Javier slept in "my" room that night, we had like five people in one bed and it was great. We all share it and it's so nice, all these people trusting and quiet around you, individual but as a group. Javier put a rose corsage on when he walked in, said he "got the message" and resonated with it too.
The next morning my grandfather put the television on and suddenly, there's this parade full of flowers. Suddenly, he's talking about the "Rose Bowl" in football. And I stood there, laughing out loud, because I didn't even know and yet there was synchonicity. So that felt amazing.
That's the feeling I miss. THAT is "happiness," to me, that heart-bright, warm-gold glow like a firework or a sunset just burning in my chest, something that ALWAYS happens in heartspace, something that NEVER happens with this damn blanked-out monotonous life and the floating voices. I know they mean well, but they are the color and temperature of paper, tepid and flat. They aren't bad, they just don't sparkle like my heart yearns to. Yes they have lessons to teach me, yes they are good to listen to WITH DISCERNMENT. But at the end of it all, at the end of the day... I think this, this inner joy, is what I still need, no matter what they say.

I don't care if it's "weird." I don't care if it "looks crazy" or if my family makes disgusted, disdainful faces at me whenever I hint at it or whenever they glimpse it. "Don't do/ say/ think/ feel that, it's not normal! People will think you're off in the head." To put it nicely. I don't want to repeat some of the slurs that have been casually dropped on this subject by my family, leaving me shocked and sick and horribly doubtful.
I want to shine. I want to shine with them. I don't want to care if the world labels us "nuts" or "freaks" or anything like that. I'll wear those terms with gratitude if it means I am being so honest. I love these people in my heart, in our heart, so much I could cry from it, and I don't GET those emotions when I'm unplugged from the inner realms. I DON'T cry when I'm "being normal," not unless I'm crying from fatigue and frustration, which happens far too often in that state, begging for sleep and solitude and solidarity, not knowing where to find it because I'm ignoring the truth. Never again. I can't.
It's going to take so, so much bravery to crack this shell. It takes guts. I don't know why. But we'll take an axe to it, and we'll kiss that damn blade too, before we bury it deep into this calcified mess. Destruction is a form of creation, that is still true, when used properly...
What about him. His vibe changed completely. I don't know what the future holds for him but we shall see. We need to cast off all the dregs of the past first, all that dust was choking us. I'm sure something still glows at its heart, there was too much love there for there not to be. I hope. I really do hope, even if that relationship feels alien and nonexistent to me currently. I'm confused, but there's hope, for something. Maybe that hope, the trust that allows it to glimmer ever so slightly, means more than I understand yet.

Infinitii is protecting me from hacks. Someone tried yesterday, I was crying but so apathetic, "don't touch me," but so so damn tired I wasn't fighting. Infinitii showed up, all white again, and almost choked me. STOP, ze said, all holy fear and fire and eyes and wings. The vibe was unignorable. STOP. And I had no strength to stop on my own, I know I didn't, I would just surrender and weep for my weakness, for my inability to say "no" to an imposed force... but ironically, here was a force greater than any hacker, something so sublime that my heart shook with devout terror and adoration and swore it would follow hir to the ends of the earth if ze asked. I won't lie, it's instantaneous. Infinitii Eternos demanded that they stop, that I stop, and I was so enraptured that I no longer cared about anything but that, anything but hir. So "everything but" stopped. I got out of that safely. But I don't know whether to laugh or cry either, feeling that image-memory, with hir hands around my throat and eyes on fire, and me smiling like a saint in delirious ecstasy, in the same sort of selfless abandonment that had led me into that damned state. I think I told Infi to do whatever ze wanted with me, and ze responded that NO, ze would NOT, that was exactly what got me into that lethal trouble in the first place.
It's a curse and a blessing, I'm sure, whatever quality you'd call that. Inherently neutral, all about application. I should meditate on that more. It seems to be a core problem, and a core help, that tendency to annihilate or aggrandize my "self" as it were. Either I am utterly not, or I am everything at once. Sometimes both. And it's strange, and it's terrifying, and it's awe-inspiring. We must manage it better. I don't think it's going to go away, because THAT'S a huge lesson Dream World taught me too. The nightmares don't always disappear, because they, too, serve a divine purpose. Even Fear has its place in the holy order, as it were. You have to look from a whole new set of eyes. How fitting is that.
I think that's why I don't like the "super good" vibe the new-age stuff gives off, as I said. They keep telling me, "kill your ego," "kill your shadow," "kill your vices." Destroy everything "bad," OR re-label it all as "good" so it won't be a problem anymore.
Forgive the language, but in my own experience, that applies to my life as BULL SHIT. (Laurie just laughed and gave me a thumbs-up for that, well thank you dear)
I don't like swearing but I'm just so worn out. "Learn to enjoy pain and things get interesting," NO THANK YOU. For me, "living in the moment" should not mean "enjoying pain" because for us, at least currently, that leads to ABUSE and SELF-SABOTAGE.
That is why the retribution drives are kicking in full-force. Every hack demands atonement, always has and always will. That will not be compromised, because holding that consequence means that we MUST recognize hacks as spiritually malevolent, NOT as some "neutral event" to "endure." NO. We will hold the toll of blood to it, always, for what it means to us. For others that may not work. For us it is one of the most beneficial things we can do right now. Maybe one day it will change, true. But currently, hacks MUST be atoned for, or apathy kicks in. And that must NOT be allowed ever again. Hacks are FORBIDDEN and I am tired of letting thiefs and vandals and murderers into this temple just because they knocked. I'm tired. I'm not "obligated" to take on all of that just because it exists. I'm not "obligated" to suffer just becaue I can. That's terrible. It must stop. And we must be the ones to stop it.
Also, this is still tied to purgation, even moreso than ever now. The two vices bleed into each other. All wasted money, even if it occurs out of misinformed hope or a lack of proper information, MUST be repaid. This is new, and overwhelming, but that is needed as it makes it a SOLID consequence, which carry the most weight as far as growth goes. With no consequences, there is stagnancy, and that is what we are striving to change here. And of course, the holy blades are the last-ditch unfailing effort if all else falls short. I hope it doesn't come to that for this too, but it is now a legitimate "threat" for such misconduct, and that alone demands personal integrity.
It's scary, how easily it has become to abuse this body lately, especially in the dietary department. It's all depersonalization, because of the fronter-switches that usually accompany eating (the teen girls typically come out to do so and they are totally neglectful), which are exacerbated by apathy. But that has bad vibes and I won't rant about it. We must demand better treatment of this vessel, by the most positive means necessary. Just, getting through this shell takes real heavy effort at first, or at least it is from the way we are approaching it right now.

On that note, Laurie is trying harder too. The calcification got to her, but she's burning through it beautifully. I have total unwavering faith in her. That means the world, I know it does. Intention means so much.

I have also learned SO MUCH lately, as far as "spiritual education" goes on my OWN path. Synchronistic messages and videos and bits that apply to OUR personal experience, and make total sense. It helps. I just wanted to add that as it ties into the hack/abuse thing, making it harder and harder for apathy to stick around. Education is important! When I realize just what and WHY the demons and hackers are doing things to us, it makes me refuse to allow it anymore. When this started, in the old timeline, for years no one understood it and so when 2010 happened and the "dead children" truth was revealed it was so wrenchingly horrible that we attempted suicide. There are more layers to their motivation though, shifting through the years, but it was never justifiable. Never never never. It was ALWAYS evil and I am sorry, so sorry, that we (I?) tried to justify it on their behalf for so long, solely because I had been convinced that, being outside forces, they had to be right.
Which is what the floating voices (the bad ones) tend to insist even now. Same people, I'm sure. Horrible things. But I've learned from them, even. Now go away. We don't need your abuse to learn anymore, and it breaks my heart to think that I once thought I did. No more. Never again. Leave this place, and leave us alone, and leave everyone I know alone. Don't touch ANYONE. I will carry that through with force if need be. Compassion is not a simpering pushover like I was once told. Compassion is violet and black, and it WILL eliminate your malevolence by whatever means necessary. You know this as well as I do. Leave us alone.
Don't you laugh. The moment you see those eyes, I know you will turn and run. You are powerless here.

Gotta lay down the law, you know. It takes guts. I'm not yet used to standing up for myself, to talking like I have power and knowledge of my own, after being told I was incapable and/or undeserving of either. Nope, not true. I am wise, I am good, I am powerful, and stop calling me a blasphemer for it. Are you misunderstanding? I do all this THROUGH the Light in me, in everything. I'm not some isolated standalone thing, and I do not want that staggeringly harmful untruth being perpetuated either. Okay? Everyone, stop treating me like I am cut off from 'God' and the rest of the world. I don't want to be anymore, even if just in mind.
I'm rambling. I have to be careful, I tend to ramble and that's dangerous.
This is why I need people with me, or at least, why it is safer. With Laurie or Infinitii or Genesis or someone backing me up, rambling doesn't happen. They call me out, they keep me humble but strong. And they refuse to let our System be abused either... even if I'm the one idiotically allowing it, for whatever reason.
That needs to stop. It will stop. It must. There's so much fear tied to it, why? But it will stop, I promise.

There's so much forgiveness that needs to happen, strangely. What needs to be forgiven? Is it projected stuff?

Tomorrow is therapy. We'll see how that goes. (It will go well, we'll make sure of it. Focus on the positive possibilities, match that vibe bro.)
First, sleep. It's 1AM and I need sleep. We need sleep.
I'm a little afraid to go upstairs but I will anyway. I'll look fear in the face and see what happens then, too.

There's hope tonight, like a candle. That is enough.

 

 

 

All right, a few things.

First off I've been feeling odd feelings about the previous entry. It needed to happen, that is true. That sort of thing has been boiling under the surface for months, never abating, no matter what was done or not done.
However last night I dreamed about it, that Mel-- the person I was writing to/about-- was talking really angrily/ depressed at me about it? And I didn't understand why they were so bitterly offended, but they were, so I tried to calmly sit down and explain it to them.
Anyway that's how I feel. This person, in the previous entry, who I am having trouble dealing with in the waking-- they are a super nice person, extremely talented, very brave, unfailingly determined, just an incredibly good person. But we haven't been "friends" for... four years? Were we ever really friends? See, I don't remember. I don't know who was the core way back when we knew them, assumedly. And that's a huge part of the problem. No matter how nice a person Mel is, we don't remember them, and our friendship is just unfixable at this point. There are too many gaps, too much is missing. It's in tatters and the glue will not hold. I can feel that, objectively, and it's about time I just shrugged and let it go. I'm driving myself mad trying to make a coat out a few frayed threads. We will never be able to rebuild what we allegedly had, not from where we are now. And even more importantly, right now, I feel that I don't need to. I feel that I shouldn't. That is not what I need now. They are not what I need. No offense, it's just a truth. The time they had a role to play in my life ended two years ago, and the foothold is gone now. That's over, the river has moved on, and I'm okay with that. Time moves, life flows. I'm thankful for what happened, for what let us grow, and now here we are somewhere else.
The problem is, I don't know what this is like on their end.
Mel says a lot, that we inspire them, that we are a light to them. And that's lovely, I'm very glad we can be that for them. But why couldn't we continue to do that distantly, disconnectedly, without the emails and messages and things? Mel and I could never converse face-to-face, or in messages. It never worked. That's why our visit to SLC collapsed. We couldn't function on that level. And that's just how it was. So I'm cutting the threads. But do they need them?
I guess it's not my problem. I hope it's not, because I don't have the strength to shoulder their problems anymore. "Is that selfish?" I wonder, as always. Is it though? They looked to me for support. It was apparently fine, two years ago, when they knew us as people in a screen. Then they stopped reading, and now out of the blue they come to us again, trying to talk to us directly, saying they need us. I don't understand and it's confusing and I feel awful, because I can't do things this way but what if this is the only way for them?
That's why this isn't working. There's no harmony. I'm trying to compromise but that's not working either. It's in tatters. It's over, let's go. We haven't lost anything, really, and that's why I'm at peace here. I know Mel's losing nothing by letting us return to how we've always been, where we can still help them and others without burning ourselves out. And they have so many good people in their life, far better people than us. I'm happy knowing that.
I guess, we'll always be here to listen, that's what I should say. They can tell us anything, as long as they do not demand a formal-letter response in return because we can't do that anymore. They can come to us as a listening ear and that's fine. But we can't do the talking anymore, not now at least. We don't know how.
Sorry, if that's the right word. It's more of a... "I'm sorry that came out so raw and ugly and pained. I didn't know how else to say it. But I'm thankful it was said. I meant no harm to you and wish you well." Does that work? I really do. We all do.

We're letting go of that entire block of time in our life entirely, actually. It's for the best.
We don't remember 2007 through 2009, 2010 is in fragments, 2011 didn't include them at all, and 2012 is missing but fragments linger there too. Anyway it was not a good time for us, everything tied to Utah and those people (who are good people! we were just not in a good state of mind when we knew them). So honestly, now that we're in a place where we CAN let go of it in peace and gratitude and happiness, without any pain or regret, then let's do it! It's about time! It's freeing, really. All of that was like a weight. Too many expectations and associations that we felt chained to, just bad energy residue. Let it go. It played its part.

Jessica has been causing the most trouble of anyone lately. Every time we hear her name she gets triggered, and that's happening oddly often lately. Jess is full of angry hate and self-loathing, as you know, and she screams all the time. She's VERY hard to handle because her vibe is so primal and harsh. You can't suppress it or it explodes. You can't ignore it because it keeps burning the house down. All you can do is dissociate entirely, so entirely that the distance pushes her far away enough for the feeling to dim out. Then slowly you bring consciousness back, figure out where you are and what you're doing, and then move on. It's tough, but it's the only things that works. Total instant unplugging. Dead-eye zone. The fogbanks. That's hir role, really; numbess can be very beneficial when used correctly.
Today was the first we heard from Jess since surgery, which was surreal, because it's been so peaceful without her around. We had a near-breakdown from the shock of it, but we're cool now. Simeon's words keep sticking with me, what he said about me, that's resonating and I don't want to let him down so I'm keeping the peace.


What have we been doing lately...
Surgery was on Friday. We talked about that, all we can remember.
As for everything else, there is only one word:
DISHONORED.
We bought it for the Xbox (which is ours now, yessir, the boys bought a new one) and we have been playing since Friday night. Our beloved friend E recommended it to us and oh man are we ever glad they did.
It is amazing. I've been trying to put into words just why that is for me, and it's coming in pieces; we're not done with the game yet, but so far there is so much relevance that is so easy to miss, it's not surprising though.
Spoiler warning, let me just ramble about this now.
Things I love and/or things that are personally relevant about Dishonored so far...
1. E pointed out the "glowy oceany solitude" that has caught our eyes unfailingly since the start of the game, such as in the oil lamps and the fact that it's a coastal town. That vibe is so lovely. I want to learn more about the whales though. I really do.
2. The game also has this general atmosphere of space and quiet that is perfect, even in the creepy places. It is exactly what my dreams are like, it is how headspace is built. Just open space, potential paths, and the ability to move through it all as a ghost if one so wishes. I am such a wanderer at heart, and being able to do that unfailingly in this game, in fact being encouraged to... it's bliss. I can sneak through an entire town, taking three or four hours, and no one will see or hear me. I will hop from rooftop to rooftop, I will creep through the canals, I will pass through abandoned houses, and the entire time I will leave no trace of myself but absence. And I love every moment of it. That brings us to point three!
3. I didn't realize until today, that Corvo's manner is oddly how I prefer to live-- not just the free, unfettered wandering, but also the related taking. Pocket change on the floor? It's in my pockets now. Food on the table? That's my breakfast now. Ammo strewn about, notes left out, all open territory for me. I read every book I can open, I listen to every audiograph. Basically... I take from the void. Put something into that neutral ground, into that space where the player character can touch it, and I will do so with gratitude. And that is how I live in this house currently, or at least how I prefer to when I can, between jobs. I get my money from pocket change and generosity. I get my food from what is left out, or given to me. I live on scraps and abandoned things, but I love it in a way. I think it's because I can't exactly live in the woods and have what I need growing or available all around me already. I have this odd deep yearning to be so free and independently dependent on the world to provide. It's hard to put into words, but really... Dishonored got the vibe down perfectly. I enjoy it so much.
4. Funny bit: on the mission with the Boyle party, if you get into the doorman's post in the back, there is stuff left out on tables. So naturally I walked in, looked around, and what do I see but an apple on the table. My health was a bit low, so sure, I grabbed it-- and immediately the doorman goes, "my apple! Who do you think you are!" Honestly I started laughing so hard I was wheezing, it was the funniest thing in the world. That apple was not in neutral territory, though-- I was in this guy's space, that was his lunch, honestly I shouldn't have taken it (and I didn't, ultimately-- I rebooted that save and left his apple in peace). Still I keep giggling at that.
5. Also Samuel is my BFF, he's my favorite character so far. He's a real sweet dude. Also he fits one of my favorite character aesthetics/ attitudes, whatever it actually is, but I have a weak spot for gruff but not super-masculine older guys, as well as people who are that nice in such a simple undemanding way. He's an old sailor and he sleeps in a boat for heaven's sake, it's adorable. I want his sideburns.
6. The Void. I don't know much about it yet, but if Infi and Chaos teamed up to make a floating realm it would look exactly like that. It's this glowy blue place, utterly defying physics, water and whales floating in the air... located nowhere and everywhere, outside of time but holding all of it. And the Outsider, geez, I don't know much about him yet but he's intriguing. "Not good or evil," pitch-black eyes, surroundedn by starry smoke, arcane powers that some call black magic... and described in-game with the following: "the one who walks here is all things. Cradle songs of comfort and bones gnawed by teeth." I adore that quote. But that's all Infi's sort of thing, really. And the Tar's. So that's relevant. But we shall see how this plays out.
7. Speaking of the Tar, there's a plague in the city. Yeah. Specifically it's a rat plague, a sickness put there on purpose, for what one claimed was "good intent" but which could never live up to that. Those stricken become shuffling, bleeding monsters, losing their sanity to brain fog and suffering... and I cannot forget how Laurie reacted in 2009 or so, when her anchor begin to slip. She bled too, she fell ill too, just like this. Call it a stretch, but I'm seeing Tar/Plague relevance in that whole disease. Anything to keep us aware...
8. The first item you get from the Outsider is a heart. A literal freaking heart, thanks Outsider for making me hilariously flustered right off the bat. It's so unusual though. It's not dead or alive-- it's all stitched up, and inside it are wheels that glow and move, when it senses certain items... bone charms. Carved bits of whalebone, tied to the Outsider, sensed by this Heart. And the Heart can talk to you telepathically, somehow, telling you secrets about where you are or who you're with. And I love it it is the coolest concept even if it's terribly distracting for obvious reasons.
9. I also want to learn more about the relation between the Abbey of the Everyman and The Outsider, more details really, as I find spiritual philosophy very interesting and this one is fantastically gray. That whole religious bit feels a lot like my own personal struggles in the matter, especially as of late. I'm sure I will learn something from it by the end. Oddly this game is hitting me more through osmosis; I'm soaking it up really, no huge shocks like I usually get from games. But the constant absorbing feels fantastic too.
10. About those bone charms again. They are so interesting to me, those and the runes. Lately in the game I'm finding plague victims gone mad from these charms, protecting and venerating them to extremes, at the cost of their own health and sanity. The charms often end up in shrines, beautifully strange things, all indigo curtains and glowing lamps. They glow with a black vapor, and they make this odd sound somewhere between scraping and singing. Really weird stuff like that is totally my cup of tea, especially on a personally symbolic level-- since my childhood I've been oddly obsessed with the intersection of raw intimate life and the ethereal, overwhelming awe of magic and divinity. Stick them together and I am hooked. The thought of Corvo wandering around with darkly enchanted pieces of whalebone in his pockets, carrying those magical relics of a once-living thing, rattling about and humming in the dark... it's great. Sorry for all the vague language, I just love this game.
11. Nothing else to say for now except that I am currently on mission #7 (biggest plot twist ever wtf) and I still haven't touched all the downloadable content so there is a lot to do yet, thank goodness.


Let's see, it's almost 1AM.
It's AUTUMN and the woods outside is all golden yellow, I swear I will find a working camera and take pictures for you tomorrow. It's too beautiful.
Our neighbor says I am welcome to come over and pick apples next week (once we get our surgery staples out), and although I'm definitely going to (apple picking is my first memory actually), I'm iffy because the body keeps getting sick from fruit. Still! But we have a theory that it's only fresh stuff, so we'll see if that applies. Either way next week we will get apples. It'll be great.
My father also brought me a ton of vegetables straight from the local farmer's markets, which I am deeply thankful for. I can't drive for at least another week, plus that stuff adds up, so I appreciate it more than I can say. I got carrots and broccoli and beans and cucumbers and squash and all sorts of things, which is awesome. My dad is just awesome in general, really he's what I aspire to be. He visited me in the hospital post-surgery, visited me at home both days on the weekend, and called to check on me on Monday and Tuesday as well. My mother called once today, and was at the hospital to see me as she had work that day and she works there. Nothing bad against my mother, she's more stressed and scatterbrained, but even when she wasn't she was never really a mothering type. I don't even know what a 'mother' would be like, hilariously. But I'm not too comfy with the "smothering closeness" that parental title elicits in my head anyway, so having a distant but unconditionally helpful father works well enough. Still, my mother is just as fantastic in her own right-- plus she at least ganks her boyfriend's garden vegetables to give to me when she can, and I must thank her for that because then I get free beets and that is boss. But back to the weather!
I went walking outside for about an hour today, and at one point I was thinking about Dream World typecodes again... I apologize for the lack of updates on League stuff lately, I just really needed a break from the sheer data mountains. The typecodes are arguably the worst! But it's coming together slowly, it's a lot less complicated than I thought, which is a HUGE relief. I was thinking too much, making it too complex. One thing I've learned is that Dream World is shockingly intuitive as far as worldbuilding function goes, something which Vezerai taught me years ago ironically. Even for me, it's so much easier to feel how typecodes work, and how Power Jewels work, and what it's like to do this or that, as opposed to thinking about them, or trying to explain them in words. Which poses a problem here! But images could work. If I could figure out how to structure images, to catch more of that feeling, it could work. I'll try in any case.
Also you know how for a few months my personal Jewel Monster form overlay has been a green Kaiteo? Well my coloring has changed to the autumn orange form, which I found pretty awesome. My wings are blue now!
Oh yeah and on that note, blue Kaiteo (the winter coloration) have longer hair than the other colorations. However, Sikeiru is a blue Kaiteo with very short hair. Why is that? She trims it! I had no idea, no wonder she feels punky, that's adorable.

I have been remembering my dreams lately. I keep a voice recorder by the bed now so as soon as I wake up, I get a stream-of-consciousness record down (writing was too slow and too detached from memory). I haven't put any into homefive yet because honestly I've been avoiding the computer, and it takes hours to transcribe my longer dreams sometimes, which is exhausting. But I don't want to slack off, so once I'm entirely done with my first run of Dishonored I'll do it, hehe. I'm sorry but I don't want to totally shift my focus mid-game, you know how my brain goes all-or-nothing.
But that's why I brought up dreams. I have literally been dreaming in the style of that game since Friday. The atmospheres match, my movements and actions match, the people I meet match. It's a little unsettling when I wake up (it's a bit of a dark vibe of course) but it's fascinating nonetheless. Last night, I dreamt that I was being tracked by this mob of guards/ Overseers who wanted to kill me, as I had allegedly committed some act of treason or blasphemy and I must die. We were by my house and the only way I could escape fast enough was by sliding down the back hill, down towards the place where wolves usually are in dreams. I reached the bottom and started jump-running to cover more distance, making it over the river and expecting to have to go back up the other side of the hill to the road... but there was no hill. It opened up into open sky, a sheer cliff drop, and the sea. I paused, then leapt in, and was out safe. But the sea! There has NEVER been water there in dreams, not an ocean, not in my life. It was always the road, always that road where people would die or get lost. Never an ocean, never deliverance and freedom. So that feels significant too.


...There's a line that the Heart says to you in Dishonored, which has been playing repeatedly in my head since I heard it.
"Their fate rests on your effort... on the strength of your hands, and of your heart."
I cannot get it out of my mind and I am glad. Nothing could be more relevant to life right now.
Headspace has been quiet but not empty lately. The video games have changed the focus, but no one is gone, or distant, which is a big distinction and an important one. I've seen absolutely everyone in the past week at one time or another, which feels amazing. Visuals are clearing up again too, as are vibes. I'm still spending my nights with Laurie and Chaos and Infinitii, but Genesis is taking time off as his job is daytime guidance and I haven't been going out for him to do so. I also haven't seen much of Xenophon due to the pervading mindset wars over that, which I am going to have to get unflinchingly gutsy with sometime soon, too. Just like the previous entry, but this time focused around the stress and dissonance of parental titles and family programming. It is honestly driving me insane because I won't fully face it, as I'm afraid of upsetting someone else. I need to take that risk now. I really do, I cannot be a good father or anything to Xenophon if I won't admit to myself and her that the very word makes me want to run. Things need to be cleared out... let's do it, as I said before.
I think Eros is being pushed into the main Cerise slot, by the way. He's getting clarified and his color keeps lightening. We'll see.
Sherlock is helping Laurie more actively, Waldorf is talking to me more, she got one hell of an anchor boost from this whole game thing and the events prior... things are good. I wonder how Sergei and Hyakinth are though, I don't think they've ever seen summer and I'm curious as to how they'll react to it. Oh and lastly we got Knife to switch his metal cross necklace out for one more like this, and he loves it. Wear your color with pride, man.
My boss has been around again too, off and on. Bad voices kept trying to imitate him for a while, but his vibe is unmistakable. I know when it's really him.


It's 1:11 AM, the universe keeps tossing numbers at me. That has meaning assigned to it by me, and it keeps happening despite the tough parts, which feels hugely comforting and reassuring. We saw 11:11 during that near-breakdown tonight. I think maybe it was meant for Jessica, as hope. She needs it too.

...Speaking of synchronicity, maybe?
I'm listening to Creature by Mesita right now, which I swear was written specifically about Chaos and I, as it is too perfect and you will not convince me otherwise. And the concluding words begin like this: "we don't have to do anything, we can stay in bed all day..."
I can barely remember the mornings when CZ and I would wake up and then just lie there together, in that floating place between sleep and the waking, where dreams melt into each other and the subconscious sings aloud. It's a dangerously beautiful place, but we used to just be there, quiet and perfectly content with everything, untouchable by anything that could harm us.
Tomorrow my grandparents are going to be at a doctor's appointment, and so the house will be quiet for a few hours. Maybe we should sleep in, for a little while, and remember.
I just... the tides, the notes, are catching on my heart a little, and lately I haven't felt much of anything that I can remember so maybe I need this.
Caught up in a wave, and it can't be stopped.
Our relationship has been odd lately. We need distance between us, of a sort, that we've accepted. I'm aromantic and I can't do the relationship" thing, but Jewel did, and Chaos learned from her. He was full-on empath mode for years and he picked up on so much from her. With that Ruby in his chest, he will always be warmer and brighter than I "remember," when I'm only looking at his canon past, pieces from a decade ago, forgetting that time didn't stop for him like it did for a large part of me. But something in my heart keeps floating back towards him, and I'm not going to fight that either, even if the space between us feels like the void right now. There's so much space, so much emptiness. I'm not sure how to love anymore when there's nothing to work with. And yet... here I am. Here I am, trying, and feeling aqua-fragile truths in those notes nevertheless. Whatever this is, it's real somewhere, somehow.

On that note, everything in this tag is either about us or me specifically. Yes I went through all of it.
I told you this game is important, haha. Honestly I am excited.


Now really, Corvo and I both need to get some rest because tomorrow we're gonna go visit Daud and who knows what's going to happen.
See you then~ *jumps out through the window*

 

 

 

 

This was one of the most amazing dreams I've ever had.

It started as I was walking down the steps into my church's basement. I don't remember anything being visibly different about it, except that it seemed to be larger in size. Anyway, in the center of the room there were many chairs set up in a circle for a meeting (I knew this). Sitting in those chairs were a great deal of the Sonic characters, as I remember seeing Sonic himself, as well as Amy in passing. I was immediately hopeful that Chaos Zero was there, so I looked around-- and sure enough, he was. Even better, there was an empty seat right next to him. I snuck around the circle so he wouldn't see me approaching (as he seemed to be in deep thought), but then sat down without a warning, saying "Hello, beautiful." He seemed a bit surprised at this, but replied "hey," and I asked him what the meeting was about. I don't remember the exact details, but I think Robotnik was planning something huge and the heroes were all getting together to try and stop it. Either way, at one point the group began getting up and discussing points amongst themselves, so Chaos and I ended up walking off ourselves as well. I asked him what he planned on doing, and he replied that 'maybe he could go Perfect' and get that right this time. I was immediately worried, and told him that that may not be the best option in itself. After all, Perfect Chaos could only be triggered by 1. all 7 Chaos Emeralds (which we did not have) or 2. extreme negative emotion, such as pain/hate/anger/etc. I explained that I didn't want to see him suffer, and anyway fighting something negative with something equally negative wouldn't make any progress at all. Chaos asked me what I thought we should do then, and I told him that instead of using pain to power his highest form, so to speak, maybe we should use love; that way we wouldn't have to worry about another 1998. I then offered to 'be' the love he needed. Chaos looked at me for a moment, then agreed.
I don't remember any actual fight going on, but the next thing I remember we were back in the church basement by the stairs, and Chaos was in his Perfect form. However, I was actually inside Perfect (where his Ruby should be), and I was glowing bright red. Chaos 'melted' back into his normal form as several other StH dudes ran over, but I stayed all glowy-red. In all actuality, I was glowing like that because I was actually focusing on and 'emitting' positive energy (mostly love of course). I remember Cream, Blaze and Sonic thanking Chaos and I and they were all visibly affected by it. I even focused on Cream's cute personality momentarily to send some extra joy her way. I wasn't paying too much attention to the conversation around me as a result, but I do remember Chaos telling Sonic that he 'owed it all to me,' before smiling at me. Right about then, Selph (the Demia) flew over to the stairs, and told Chaos & I that he was 'so thankful that we were finally together.' Apparently he had been hoping we would work together like we did.
There was a huge scene switch here, and the next thing I remember, I was watching some group of dudes driving down a highway, singing at the top of their lungs and laughing. They drove over this huge bridge at one point (seriously, this thing was massive) and actually parked on it, getting out to walk around and see the view. Right then, the car-gang actually turned into my family, and I joined them. We were walking along the edge of the bridge, looking down to the water which was far below it. I lowered myself over the edge so I was only holding on by my fingers, and shimmied across the length of the bridge this way instead of walking. My brothers found this highly amusing. However, once we reached the end of the bridge and I got back up on the road, there was no exit to another road-- the opposite 'wall' of the bridge had actually curved over into a sort of canopy, and was shielding a dark, locked door beneath it. I walked over and went in, and was surprised to see a room that looked almost exactly like my house's bathroom, except that the shower was almost cybernetic in appearance. I stepped into it and picked up a small metal triangle that was sitting on the shelf. On it was written "FROST*,' my favorite musical group, and I understood that if I scanned the 'code' on this object it would play the music that was contained on it. I found a red barcode scanner beneath the faucet in the tub, and as soon as I scanned it, what sounded like "Hyperventilate" began playing. Almost immediately, a woman walked up to me from a room where the other wall would be (if it were the actual bathroom in my house), and started explaining that the government had locked her there due to a misunderstanding of her psychological state or the like. Either way, she was very upset about it and insisted it had been a mixup.
The 'dream perspective' switched here, to show a doll walking along the floor beside the bathtub. Disturbingly enough, the doll was a perfect rendition of Laurie, and after watching it walk and mutter to itself, grinning, I realized that she WAS the doll. She then walked over to a small brown bear doll in the center of the floor. It had no visible eyes or details beside a huge, gaping maw of teeth. Laurie smiled at it before lifting it up by the neck, taking out her axe, and brutally cleaving the bears head in half. It did not bleed, and split as if it were made of plastic, showing the inside of the bear's mouth on each half as its head split. Shockingly enough it began to talk, angrily asking why Laurie had to 'do this again.' It then reached up and pushed the two halves of its head back together, as two beady red eyes appeared on its face. I forget what Laurie's explanation was, but it was apparent that she and the bear were working together for some important reason.
The scene switched again here, and I was now on my porch.
I was standing over by the windows, looking out at the beautiful weather outside, when I realized that Chaos Zero was also there with me, although he was over by the far wall (the one covered in windows). I began talking about the Perfect scenario from before, mentioning that I wished that Chaos didn't have to typically suffer such negative energy for it, as that only compounded his problems. I told him that 'only love can conquer hate,' and then walked over to stand in front of him. He said something to me, I forget what, but I think it was a 'thank you' not only for the help earlier, but also for standing by him and helping him when no one else had. Either way I felt that maybe I should leave and not be a nuisance, but nevertheless I asked Chaos how long wanted me to stay there with him. Chaos laughed once, almost disbelievingly, then replied 'for the rest of my entire life.' I was taken by surprise for a moment, then smiled and hugged him tightly, which he returned immediately.
After this I heard my mother calling me from inside the house to 'clean up what was on the table,' so I told Chaos to hold on one minute and walked over to the table by the front door. Sure enough, there was a huge pile of books and CDs on it, and I began nervously digging through it, as a great deal of the objects in it were not only mine but were severely damaged. I clearly remember finding several Celebi-related items in the pile as well. After taking out all that I could find that belonged to me, I asked my brother to help me carry it in, but he dropped it on the way up the steps. That whole item-finding/carrying scene is very unclear to me, though, for as soon as my brother dropped them, I woke up.

However, I then fell asleep again.

As soon as I opened my dream-eyes, there was a small group of people holding up a large amount of colorful spheres up to me and demanding that I 'sing.' I originally thought the spheres were 'onions,' as they were covered in a sort of concentric 'skin' that looked like thick plastic. They also appeared to be lit dimly from the inside. Some were pink, some were yellow, and some were white-- but the most striking thing about them is that most of them appeared to be rotting. The few that were being practically shoved into my face were almost entirely rotted, and looked positively horrid. Regardless, the people still kept shouting that I 'sing' for them, but I said nothing. At one point the man who was holding the onion-things thrust them towards my face so sharply I thought he was going to hit me, and I couldn't help but cry out a bit. Someone behind him laughed and commented that it was the 'closest thing to a song' they were probably going to get from me. I didn't know what to do, when suddenly a man kneeling by my brother's bed shouted that the 'stones' hadn't been hidden correctly. Everyone turned to face him, and the man lifted up the pillows to reveal several Pokemon stones underneath them, such as Water Stones and the like. The pillow nearest to him had nothing under it, though, and he began to panic, saying that his 'Koffing must have found the Fire Stone.' He started shouting how he didn't want it to evolve, and I spoke up that Koffings didn't evolve from stones, but he reached farther under the pillow and pulled out a Pikachu doll, except its eartips were bright red. He said that his Koffing had turned into that, and explained that all Pokemon could actually evolve with any Stone, but the evolutions were unstable, which is why he was trying to keep his Koffing away. However, no one could fathom how a Koffing could have turned into a doll. The crowd by my bed turned to me for an explanation, so I quickly said that maybe the Fire Stone had caused the Koffing to explode, and the 'particles' left over had turned into the doll due to the Stone. I then said it was a total shot in the dark and made little sense, but it was the quickest thing I could think of to explain such a weird predicament.
The next thing I knew, I was outside, as a Celebi. I was flying over a street in the suburbs somewhere, and stopped over a house with a beautifully vegetated yard, complete with tall trees and tons of flowers. There was a Gardevoir and a Kirlia standing by the house's steps, along with another Pokemon that looked similar to a Gardevoir, but had more pink and was much more 'elegant.' My brother Ranndall showed up out of the blue and asked me what it was, and I said it was a 'Gorgeovoir,' a very rare 4th stage Pokemon. The point of view changed here and I explained that the whole scene we were looking at was just a 'model,' and I pointed out that I needed a Ralts figure to complete it. I think Ranndall offered to get one, but either way he ran off and became lost. The scene then switched to a very large, high-ceilinged store. It was huge both in terms of stock and size; the place was almost the size of a mall in itself. Anyway, I was there looking for Ranndall, flying around and mumbling to myself about where he could have gone. At one point I flew into the toy section and was so scanning the shelves out of curiosity as well, when I noticed a Disney book on the end of one shelf. Bizarrely enough, it depicted all the Princesses, but they all had Power Jewel marks. I shouted 'What is this??' upon noticing, and quickly pulled the book off the shelf, flipping through it as people nearby watched in surprise (due to my exclamation, no doubt). One line that I noticed said that the Princesses had 'special crystals' or something of the like, but I was too infuriated to keep reading. I set the book down, flew back into the air, and began singing about how I was going to 'sue Disney' for stealing everyone's ideas, especially because I had apparently made it known that I held legal rights for Jewel Monsters and their concepts. People in the aisles were watching me in confusion as I angrily flew by, still singing about my plans, when I reached the center of the store. There were cash registers below me and the aisles were all around me in a square, leading to this spot. I looked down and noticed Ranndall was there, and was about to ask him why he had ran off when a sickeningly familiar black shape flew in to face me... a light-eater. Yes, one of those dementor-esque beings I've dreamed of in the past. Upon seeing it, I froze in terror, and those within view began to shout and panic as well. Ranndall asked if it was indeed a Dementor, to which I exclaimed 'No, these are much more dangerous!' before screaming for everyone to get the heck out of the store ASAP. Hysteria broke out now, as several more light-eaters began pouring into the store. I focused my positive energy and attacked the one nearest me before flying straight up into the sky as fast as I could (apparently there was no ceiling). I remember seeing a few light-eaters flying in through the clouds towards the store, and worried if they could see me, but I continued flying up until there was nothing but blue sky above me. I forget if I was trying to call someone for help or what, but before I could do anything else, a light-eater came out of the clouds and saw me. Panicking, I immediately dropped like a bullet straight back down to the store, where the place was now swarming with screaming customers and light-eaters. Disturbingly enough, unlike 'eating the light' as I've seen them do in the past, these light-eaters were possessing people. Once they targeted a victim, they flew straight at them with deadly speed and disappeared into their chest. This would cause an immediate change in the individual, leaving them apathetic, cold, and yet paradoxically distraught, almost deranged (mentally, it would seem). A few individuals had grouped in a U-shaped aisle, and were frantically discussing what was happening to those possessed, and how they could avoid it. No one could figure out a working escape or defense tactic, though, and the discussion quickly turned to what they perceived the effect of the light-eaters to be. Suggestions included madness, cruelty, fear, and the like, until one older man solemnly stated, 'no... it's emptiness.' An almost palpable dread hit everyone within earshot, and they all began to run, albeit in a strangely slow manner, some starting to cry.
At this point I was aware of one woman who was running through the more panicked crowd, as she apparently knew where one of the exits was but was selfishly not letting anyone else know. The light-eaters were beginning to thin out (I guess most had already possessed people), and she wanted out before any more showed up and made things impossible. She reached a door on the far wall, and quickly snuck in before closing it (and locking it?) behind her. Surprisingly enough, it was a restroom, but there were no sinks and at the opposite wall there was indeed an exit door. The woman ran towards it but at the last second suddenly turned and bolted into the last stall, pulling the door tightly shut and tightly clamping her hands over her ears. Almost immediately there was an awful tremor in the building, and without warning, a huge wave of light-eaters slammed through the exit door (without opening it), causing the entire building to shake as if an earthquake had hit. There were so many of them it was impossible to count, and they were frighteningly fast. Once the last of them was through, the woman slowly got up, now sobbing uncontrollably, and ran through the still-closed exit.
The scene switched now, and I was in my house, frantically looking for something to fight or block the light-eaters with. I remembered this aquamarine cross I had in my room, and figured that was worth a shot, so I got out some masking tape with the intent of taping it to our door. However, I couldn't get the tape to work for the life of me, and eventually just figured I'd work with it and ran into my grandmother's room (my room). She was lying in bed, awake, and I began looking for the cross. I couldn't find it, though, and asked her if she had seen it. She said she hadn't touched anything, so I worriedly began looking for something else. I found a purple cross on the dresser and figured that would work, so I grabbed that one and taped it to her door so she'd be safe. I ran back out into the hallway and began talking worriedly to myself about what I could possibly do next, before noticing a large group of light-eaters coming down the hall. I continued to attack them with light energy, which effectively chased them off, when I suddenly stopped, thinking. 'There has to be a way to stop this and save everyone,' I said to myself. 'All Jewel Monsters are good at heart.' Apparently the light-eaters were indeed Jewel Monsters according to my knowledge (heaven only knows what species though). Little did I know, there was a light-eater within earshot, and upon hearing that I didn't think they were inherently evil, it actually stopped and appeared to sadly think to itself.
I have no idea what happened after that, though, as I woke up.

Needless to say, the light-eaters are now listed in the 5th Generation J-Monster book... and their Vice? Emptiness.

 

 

 

 

Name's Jewel... you know, spinningcannon.
I spend my days wandering through cities of thought and oceans of possibility, reaching out to change what lives I may encounter.
I'm a perpetual anomaly, yes. I'm also a dreamer, a thinker, a creator, a vagabond, and a child at heart. I try to live righteously and I love as selflessly as I can.

I'm a fiery and upbeat indomitable soul with my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground.
I'm asexual, neutrois, a part-time Celebi furry, and more than a little off in the head.
I see the world very differently... I'm unusual but I'm a good kid, honest.

I'm not the most updated page here, and I'm never the most popular, but I'll do what I can to inspire those who stop by.

I hope you find something to remember here.

~Thoughts~

This is what I call a thought page. A thought page is a simple piece of paper, or in this case, a computer file, where I can always go when I need to express my innermost thoughts and feelings. I started writing thought pages back in the seventh grade, when I was about 12. I am now 16 and have saved every page since then.
As a result, through these pages, I have the opportunity to look back on the past four years of my life, and all their troubles, joys, wonderings…and just plain old, random thoughts.
It’s an odd feeling. I’ve changed so much since then, and yet, I’ve stayed the same. The same dreams, the same loves, the same…well, thoughts.
I want to give you the opportunity to feel that, too.
So, here in this document, are the current- and not so current- thoughts of my life now... for both you and I to read—and for me to constantly update—whenever we wish.
So please, think about what I have said here…
…And enjoy the thoughts of my life.
~Jewel Lightraye~

~My thoughts started here on Saturday, July 10, 2004 10:58:04 AM~


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I’m beginning to scare myself. Every time that I really look at myself, I realize things that I never did before. I’m telling you, it’s scary. I’m becoming sort of like a stranger to myself.
I hope I don’t forget me altogether.
Also, I feel…insignificant. The world ignores me.
Sometimes I even talk to my stuffed animals. At least they care about me.
So does Bakura.
I talk to him too.
But…
I want to be known. To be remembered. So when I finally have to leave this world people will know and appreciate who I was.
Like Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, George Washington…everyone knows their names.
I want to be like them. Not necessarily famous worldwide, but known.
I want people to remember me.


That’s me, looking out at the big, wide world. :)
Wonder if someone sees me…


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Konnichiwa, y’all. It’s August 21, 2004, and I’ve been thinking a lot lately… about the J-Monsters. It’s weird…looking at life here in this world and then at them…not much of a difference, eh? But what’s really getting me thinking is this Justice legendary. You know, the über-kawaii one with the long ears and the sad eyes? Well. Besides the insanely powerful attacks he has and his ability to access his own pure heart energy, he’s got this new thing where he can actually manipulate the emotions of someone through their heartstrings. It’s scary, in a way. But don’t worry. Being a monster of justice and all, he doesn’t use it often. He’ll only do it if he absolutely has to or if someone desperately asks him. It’s like an emergency thing. But what’s frightening is what XX could do with that power… but I won’t worry about that. I don’t think XX can even touch him. …Another thing about the J-Monsters. Recently I’ve been realizing how incredibly close D and Jenny are. Really. And I think that’s one of the reasons XX wants to destroy them as soon as possible. There’s something about J-Monster relationships…the people (or monsters, for that matter) somehow get more powerful than they could normally, and all sorts of stuff… it’s weird. I’ll see if I can figure anything out about that. One more thing. My Chaos links are going up. That’s real good, since it’s hard for me to remember things with him and everything. I don’t know why, maybe I’m being blocked somehow… anyway, they’re really up there. My links with him, I mean. And I also realized how shockingly powerful his Angel form is. Perfect Chaos vs. Angel Chaos…the battle of the century, eh? Then again, against Chaos’ Angel form, the match would probably take…mm, two, three minutes, tops? Not even. Hold on, how’d I get into this rambling? Never mind. I really like Chaos. He’s got this great aura around him. And it’s strange, thinking that he was once this weapon of mass destruction…and how he’s changed… That’s really strange, too…not that it’s a bad thing, but… I can’t help but wonder what motivated him to completely switch sides and all? …Maybe it’s his extreme emotional sensitivity. You know, like how he fell in love with me and everything. But he’s so hard to figure out. I mean, I can understand Marik and Bakura perfectly, but Chaos… maybe it’s just because he’s not human. But then again… Chaos may be incredibly difficult to understand emotionally at times, but when he opens up his heart to you, that’s a whole different story. It’s one of those things you can’t explain in our limited language. Like the emotions you get in a Cherubell morph. You know how they say that if you think about the meaning of life and all these unexplainable things too much, you go mad? Well, here’s something enough to drive you (or at least me) completely crazy, then. You know that really powerful emotion you get when you’re really in love with someone? Focus on that, and let it completely take over. Then go into Cherubell morph, and then go into the same room with Bakura in his Cherublack morph, Marik in his Visochu morph, and Chaos in his Angel form when they’re all feeling the same thing, same high intensity. Then reaallyy focus on that. I swear, it’s absolutely insane. I know how it feels, too!! Can you spell i-n-c-i-d-e-n-t? Okay, I think I’ve bothered you enough for one day ;) lol!! And- holy Sheboygan, I think I’m missing Megas XLR. Not good! So- Sayonara!


Observe! My own Chaos Zero wallpaper! It’s so kawaii.


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Nov. 29 2004

Well, hello again. Just felt like writing today. I probably would have yesterday, too, but yesterday I was really too depressed to do anything. Not anymore, though, yes, so don’t worry. ~.^ However, I am in one of my philosophical moods today. Yes, I can hear AMG screaming in agony all the way from here. Sorry. ~ Anyway. Remember the Hokthai from around 2002? …You know, I really shouldn’t say that. They’ve been an active part of the Dream World and all since then, but I guess it is fair to say that as their main burst in link productivity was around 2002…but! Not anymore!!  Yes, that’s right. The Hokthai are back. And, as can be expected, they’re better than ever. And since my links weren’t very strong back in 2002 the storyline was a bit vague in the novel, remember? But! It was correct. For example, Yvonna and Vulon and the Soul Harp were correct, as was Yvonna meeting the Hokthai by teleporting herself (by means of the Harp) to a demolition of the building in which they had been staying. Remember now? Yes, you remember now, eh. But—a few things that I never knew two years ago were the seven different kinds of robots, the green stealth Hokthai, and the pink messenger Hokthai. And although I hadn’t been sure of it at the time, my knowledge of an orange spider Hokthai was true. Indeed! But the [complete] storyline is actually very beautiful, and although Hokthai seems to be more along the lines of a shonen style anime/manga thing, it’s actually a pretty touching and- dare I say controversial?- story. Now, a brief note on what I just said. On the Hokthai storyline/anime/manga being rather moving, well, you’ll just have to read it yourself, ha ha! …okay, okay. I’ll drop you
a hint.  You see, the story revolves around- well. See, now I almost spit out the plot-and possibly a hint at the ending, too-because of YOU and your cursed curiosity!! …well, I’m curious too, so I’m sort of being hypocritical there... However! No words for you on the Hokthai storyline! Because unless you’re Yvonna, Vulon, one of the eight main Hokthai, or me, you probably (HOPEFULLY) know nothing about it. I hate you sentence fragments. … Now listen to me, you cursed fools!!! You’re making me talk about the Hokthai like they’re some fictional type thing, which they’re NOT, mind you cursed psychiatrists, and not you fellow psychotics and schizophrenics out there because you probably understand me perfectly, a-ha! But enough of that. If you people out there are that anxious to find out about the Hokthai and read the story and the manga and watch the anime in a few years (I hope ) then bless your hearts, because it’s really a sincere honor for people to appreciate us. In saying us I mean not only the Hokthai, too, but also the J-Monsters and E*Girls and everyone else, because we’re all very grateful to you. All right, all right. Enough heartfelt appreciation. Save it for the Oscar speech. ~ Because as of now, it’s 8:58, and that means I’m going to need to get off, my friends. *sighs deeply* Ah, that felt good. I haven’t ranted for so long in quite a while. But you have to admit, it’s darn fun!!  He he keh, and I know you enjoy it too, ha! Yes, my ranting is always good to read. Read an entry every day and I guarantee that you’ll be in better health, ha haa!! When I get older I’m going to conduct a study that will PROVE TO THE WORLD that ranting is good for you!! Yes! That’s another one of my schizophrenic dreams, yes.  All right, now see here, friends? My attempt at closing up took…mm, seven lines?? Okay. Now it’s for real. Good night. ~

Now see here! This is a Bitmap Paint pic of the main Hokthai. Pretty cute, eh?  No, really. I like how he came out.
He looks really good here, anyhow…I drew a really pretty pic of him in my red dragon tablet yesterday, too. Someday I’ll scan that, too, and put it on here. 