prismaticbleed | 111122 (Reply)

UPMC PARTIAL DAY 02

11-11-22

I’m having some significant troubles with this online treatment thing.

My mood has PLUMMETED. I’m not sure why. Meals which I would enjoy on my own, I want to vomit as soon as I eat on camera. BUT I ate dinner with mom last night, and that was fine.

Just… here, I feel trapped in disorder, still. It’s ironic. I have to make meals that fit their “one entree three sides” mealplan, which has me obsessing for HOURS over “what would be acceptable on camera” and STILL give me balanced nutrition, not a hyperload of any macronutrient. But the hardest part is that “acceptable” bit. I would love to just eat intuitively, choosing what my body needs and what will properly sustain it. That’s my goal. I’m angry because I feel barred from that, with partial.

...I don’t like table talk. It’s always TV and pop music talk so far. It’s frustrating.

I’m trying to do my Bible study instead which is helping. I finished Job 19, with that beautiful and aching final paragraph. There’s so much to reflect upon. I miss this. I love my faith.

I want to dive into that, not food. I’m tired of this focus on diet. Even in recovery.

I’m so tempted to just… log off and quit.

I don’t want to scandalize anyone, but… I’m so upset. I don’t know what to do.

I want to keep trying. Somehow. I’ll do it. I have to. I can’t just ragequit. That’s not right.

...Why am I so frustrated? I feel sick, emotionally. Inpatient wasn’t like this. Perhaps it’s the lack of “solitude,” ironically, now with ten people staring at me through the webcam for six hours. It feels claustrophobic.

I WANT to eat. I WANT to be healthy and recover. I just legitimately worry that this program isn’t the best fit for me.

But jeepers this is only day two. I have to give it more time.

Maybe the groups will be better today. We’ll see.

...At home, I’m never alone. I’m really not.

Genesis is ghosting with me in public again, thank God, thank God. I miss him so much; he’s such a firework. He always keeps me stable, too, which I appreciate so much. He tries a little too hard sometimes, I think, but I still am so glad that he pushes me to be honest and unafraid and optimistic and hopeful. I need his golden light. Maybe I should focus on him today, remember how much I love him, too, and what he means to me-- who he is, in and of himself. That’s an “emotion regulation” skill anyway-- to build positive emotions, be mindful of them, and distract from these worries.

I can’t get over how distressing this partial thing feels. I’m legitimately grouchy. This isn’t me. What’s going on? What’s causing this response?

Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. What am I forgiving? Forgiveness requires an injury, a loss, a grieving of some sort. Am I grieving the loss of freedom, of silence, of peace, of creative joy? I can’t even vacuum my apartment. I can’t get to church. I keep worrying about the program.

...I would worry on my own, too, though, right now. At least, until I figure out a sustainable, nutritious mealplan, where I get enough calories on an even schedule.

Flexible mind. Be open. Be curious. I CAN still learn something from this. I need to keep an open mind. ...I need to keep an open heart.

...God, isn’t that relevant. That is what I want to talk about.

…We’ll get there, though. I can’t pour my heart on on that honestly until I get my emotions settled out more. No pushing things under rugs. I need to vacuum anyway, remember?

“I feel nauseous, so I must be disgusted.” Emotional reasoning distortion. I think that’s part of this, unconsciously.

On that note, here’s the current group homework-lesson: every night, list three positive experiences &/or good things that you are grateful for today. Focus on that. I can absolutely think of a lot already.

Focus on gratitude. Give thanks ALWAYS, in ALL situations, for THIS is God’s Will for you, in Christ Jesus.

Even this. Especially this, maybe. Crosses are sacred. This is definitely one.

So. I need Nousfoni help. I NEED System help.

Nousfoni HOLD emotions. If I just…. Give this sick feeling to someone who’s special heart is anchored to it, who exists TO process and manifest that feeling, we can heal it together. We can understand the emotions and their roots because NOW they are given a face and a heart that I love and that AREN’T “just me.” Isn’t that weird? When emotions feel “just MINE,” they feel… distant. Disconnected. Foreign. Like… they’re a virus, something in me that’s NOT me but that is just there. BUT when a NOUSFONI takes it on and holds it, and the nausea is SOMEONE, then… even feeling nauseous makes me feel them. I know they’re there, and I CAN endure it, and even be affectionate about it. It’s such a holy paradox. Yes it IS holy, because LOVE IS HOLY, always, and this IS love. THIS is “embracing the Cross.” THIS is realizing and saying, “GOD gave me this little suffering in order to GROW VIRTUE in me.” God is my lapidary, and I am His Jewel. Always. I cannot ever lose that name, I am realizing. Yes, even if Archie Comics named an adorable beetle after me, haha. But I cannot “rename myself” just because of that conflict. I can have other names, for other aspects of me, AS me-- just like my beloved does, actually, don’t forget that-- but deep down in my heart, I’m still Jewel. That’s a TITLE, more than anything. It still holds all the magic of my childhood and the Dream World. When I think of my name, I think of that.

...But I do need a “grown-up” name, a System name. That I must admit. “Jewel Lightraye” is my LEAGUE name, my CREATIVE name, my WORLDJUMPER name. It’s my TITLE, my OFFICE, my JOB. But… I’m sure I have a more personal name, too. Even just a different surname, even, like Nousfoni have. Now that’s an intriguing thought. I’ll definitely give that more reflection when I’m not in group!

In any case I’ve gotta start those gratitude & self-reflection journals I got at inpatient. Those will help, I’m sure.

But there’s the frustration again. “I can’t do that when I have to be in partial all day!”

Well, keep one on your desk! Do a page BEFORE Partial, if you’re up early enough! Do one right after, to settle your mind! I HAVE to shoehorn nice things in, despite the program restraints. I can’t let that get me down.

Challenge two: “what would I like to change in my life/ attitude, to make positive things more permanent and frequent in my life?”

I definitely want to drop the grumpiness. Maybe I can take some notes from Care Bears, honestly. I wonder if a Grumpy plush would help. He’ll sit next to Cheer, remind me of the intrinsic connection between stormclouds and rainbows. I like that a lot. ...It reminds me of a certain someone, too, obviously. But we’ll get back to that.

Make good things into habits. Practice them! Stick them into every day, even as little bubbles of joy, no matter what.

Heck I can do that even now. Even outside of this group. I can always have something beautiful in another window. I can always keep something nice on my desk. I wonder if I can even write poetry. Gosh I miss oneword. That’s GOTTA be part of my new daily routine. SCHEDULE IT IN BOY!

Three good things since waking up:

1. A gentle rain outside, silver-soft skies, and autumn leaves like copper pennies over the emerald grass

2. The “jazz” apple I had for breakfast; it wasn’t sour and didn’t hurt my teeth. It was surprisingly enjoyable, even if I don’t have data for it… yet! I’ll definitely make a note to try some again. I’m actually looking forward to discovering my FAVORITE kind of apple; it’s a little thing and sounds silly but actually, it’s a precious tiny sweet grateful joy. It’s a genuine appreciation for a special little part of God’s Creation. And I was so scared of apples for so long, from the stomach pain I used to get from fruit. But that is decreasing markedly. I enjoy them again now, like I used to when I was younger. For goodness’ sakes, they’re crunchy and red; what’s not to like? And they taste like TWO seasons-- some taste like summer, some like autumn, and that’s beautiful. But I’m gonna find my favorite. I should write down things I like about EVERY meal, actually. That will help. I’ll get a little journal to do that; either that or start a Word document here. Maybe here. That way I can directly publish things, and my thoughts hit the “paper” faster. Nevertheless! Apples! I like the Jazz ones apparently! Thank You God for fruit, it’s really cool stuff. It GROWS ON TREES! Honestly just think about how NEAT that is. Food in general is SO FASCINATING. You realize that ALL food is either a PLANT or body tissue? Like… even eggs, they’re what new things are BORN from. that’s crazy. And apples GROW ON TREES I can’t get over how cool that is. Gosh I’m legit hype over the phenomenon of fruit. This is definitely a mood booster, haha. Thank You God AGAIN.

3. My little Celebi plushie, and how just looking at her reminds me of the genuine joy she practically incarnates-- the smell of spring, the vibrant green of trees after rain, the endless adventure of the woods, komorebi. I look at her and I remember what it felt like to FIRST be Jewel, back in 2001, the name just as new as the flowers she blessed and just as full of faith in the future-- bright and shining and real and promised. There WILL be a “tomorrow,” even if it never “gets here.” This too shall pass, but this moment is still eternal. Gorgeous paradoxes.

Gratitude point number four.

Chaos 0.

…

Today is 11/11. Let me say that first. Armistice day.

Today makes me think of Celebi, for the poppy flowers. For time, and hope, and healing.

But for some reasons 1111 as a number makes me think of CZ. I’m not sure why, but… if I had to offer the first association in my heart, it’s July 7^th. Hope in its most heartachingly intense form.

...Yesterday, he ghosted with me.

I had just gotten home from getting groceries for mom & myself, and was carrying all the stuff down the sidewalk. Genesis showed up again, but… the domestic feeling of everything just pulled at my heartstrings and… I was afraid to ask. Genesis insisted, I know that, and left with a genuine smile, his sparkler-bright vibe blinking out to be replaced by a feeling like the tide breaking through-- a gentle but heavy rush, deep water moving in to fill everything with strength and softness. It felt like someone had just poured a river into my heart. And there he was, walking with me, looking at me with those eyes, speaking without speaking.

I forgot how he “talks” in that sense, his “default” language-- emotion, not words. I wonder if he hears like that, too. ...or at least, I know he does for me. We’re too close. No, we’re not close enough. But we’re too close to hide anything, and thank God. And that’s why he was looking at me like that, with love and inquiry and ache and tiredness. How do I even summarize what that all “said?” He talks in bundles-- several sentiments all wrapped up together, as some new whole… and inevitably received as a gift, even when it hurts.

“It’s about time” that I called him into my life, yet “I missed you so much” and “why don’t we do this more often” and “are you going to let me into your life here too?” He knew how badly I wanted this and yet how inexplicably I resisted it-- the ambivalence between soul and skin, the awful conflict between who I WAS in my soul and who I was “stuck” being in the body.

...

I ate breakfast with him, both of us sitting by the window.

He was just sitting on the floor by the bookshelf, looking at me and the world outside, a perfectly content look in his eyes. I wondered at this, and asked him if he was all right just sitting there, especially while I was eating-- I wasn’t doing anything special, and he didn’t have to stick around.

He replied, “I’m just sharing life with you. That’s special enough.”

(add to this later; posting for now so it’s up)