the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

 

 

(this entry was written stream of consciousness and left on the desktop. many unidentified people wrote and i am unsure how to label a lot of the conversational text, so i apologize.)



I'm terrified. I don't know what in the world has happened to me.
(generic "girl core" fronter typing; the "LJ" one)
It seems that, since I left the hospital, my conscience has disappeared. "I" wasn't at the hospital; Jay was. I'm here at home, as usual. BUT I'm like… 15. I'm not the one driving most of the day.
I mean, yeah, I can be problematic. I know. I'm too casual. I try to live like I did at my age and that's not smart or sustainable anymore.
But we're all worried because, lately, that wild-haired mom-smell girl from 2006-2007 has been fronting, and her heart is cold and hard as granite, and she does not care about anything but food, and she's a horrible person.
She's in league with the thief, too-- the manic-energy girl who looks kind of like her but has a thinner vibe, and wilder eyes, and whose energy hurts like a bee sting. That girl has no conscience either, but she at least has feeling. That may be used to our advantage.
But, the worst girl, the one who ONLY comes out at home, has no feeling at all, nothing but flat empty hatred and rage and apathy and indifference and selfishness and compulsive time-killing wasteful crap. She's evil, in the worst way, and she's the scariest thing I've ever seen.

Let me say, flat-out, ALL the things they've been doing lately, because no one's been writing about them as a result of them commandeering the driver's seat and as a result of that, no one's been calling them out on their sins.





+ The manic stealer started thieving about… three months ago? At the discount store, one day she didn't have enough money to buy a box of fig cookies (when that was her current addiction), and in a rare spasm of guilty sin, she peeled a price sticker off a different, cheaper box and put it over that one. Well, the cashier almost caught her-- they realized the sticker looked funny and almost called her out on it but didn't. But in that instant, the manic girl felt REAL terror. She did, once. The whole ride home she felt like she should be guilty and she was sobbing and screaming over it, but the scary part is that she didn't ACTUALLY regret doing it. She regretted almost getting CAUGHT. And that's her core vice. She WANTED that food; she wanted it so badly she was willing to CHEAT to get it. And she got it. So, even if part of her knew that changing the price tag wasn't right somehow, she didn't understand how, because "she wanted it" and she didn't steal it, right? But she lied. She lied, and she committed an injustice, and she acted unfairly and she tricked the cashier and she was overall acting in selfish gluttonous greed. But she can't see any of that. To her, she just wanted the food, and she got it.

+ We've been praying the Solemn Novena to Saint Ann since last weekend, outright begging her to pray to God for us to stop this food addiction as soon as possible, as safely as possible, and yet by whatever means necessary. Well IT'S BEEN HAPPENING.
On Wednesday, miss thief committed the WORST EVIL I can even imagine, because she went back to that discount store and decided she was going to change the price of EVERYTHING she bought.
This time, we let her.
Why?
Because we KNEW she wouldn't get away with it.
So she spent THREE ENTIRE HOURS going through this store, brazenly ripping labels off and switching them in plain sight, chattering to herself all the while, God only knows what else because we have no memory of it save one or two snapshots when guilt and/or doubt just barely crept through enough to make it "existential" and therefore allow it to become accessible data. (That's how memory works; you NEED self-awareness or nothing sticks, and vicious voices are, by definition, NEVER actually self-aware in their behavior.) But she jammed an entire overflowing cart full of cheating groceries, and then when she was going down the dried fruit aisle, an employee stopped her. "I need to see the price on something," she said, and picked up a bag of cherries from her cart. Shoving on a plastic smile (easy for her because she can convince herself she isn't doing anything "bad"), miss manic let her. The employee then said, "these bags are a different price," to which the thief said "oh I'm sorry, I'll put that one back and get another one." So she did, but I knew the employee suspected something.
And lo and behold, God worked his fearsome glorious power when she got to the cash register.
They wouldn't let her check out.
They called the manager over.
Then the manager looked at her and said, "I need to check the prices on these items. We have cameras everywhere, you know."
Miss thief smiled and nodded, "sure, go ahead," but then she realized this was not going to work. Solid, real, paralyzing fear choked her, and immediately she knew she was dead in the water. The manager was peeling stickers off everything, and even though this thief had been smart-- she didn't put any stickers over other stickers, she flat-out replaced them all-- all they had to do was check the cameras to see her guilt. And, again, even if she didn't understand the guilt, even if her black heart couldn't grasp or comprehend "why cheating was wrong," (because, after all, she was paying, and she wanted it, right?) she knew that she was caught.
She said, flat-out, that she needed to "be somewhere" and she LEFT THE CART AT THE REGISTER and walked out the door.
The instant we stepped outside, she disappeared.
Jay was pushed out, and he jumped for joy.
Needless to say, the hell of the discount store is FINALLY OVER. We've been trying to pull the plug on that addictive cycle since before Christmas, with no lasting success (despite lots of little victories) because it was still accessible. Well no more!!! Now we literally HAVE to avoid that store, FOREVER, and THANK GOD FOR THAT.
You know what's the best part though?
Afterwards, we looked through what data we had as to what she was trying to buy.
Cereal, dried fruit, coconut, ice cream, chips, cookies, etc…
She had a cart full of at least $100 of JUNK WE COULDN'T EAT.
She literally would have blown 1/4 of our entirely monthly pay, on garbage that would have ended up thrown up AND thrown out, wasting hours of time on self-abuse in the process.
So we just barely survived a horrific disaster there, THANK GOD.
Oh, but even better. Jay was sobbing with joy the entire drive home then, singing "it's over! it's finally over!" and then he realized, with a sort of giddy shock, that this had been foreshadowed. How? Because THIS episode of SU aired the night before.
So yeah. Synchronicity too. How's THAT for reassurance from God?

(different author)
+ Miss manic also got a cleaver shoved into her lying ass yesterday, because now that she can't go to the discount store anymore, she went back to her OLD addiction, which was pocketing food from the bulk section at Wegmans. I don't know when THAT started, or how, but it began with candied ginger, then turned to cherries and dates, and now it's just figs. She'll go to the bulk aisle and just grab six, seven figs, shove them in her pocket, and go out the door.
(author switchback)
THAT'S why she's in cahoots with the numb hateful one, because SHE has no conscience and when the manic thief feels misgivings about her actions, the numb-bad one comes out and just does it. Well NO MORE!! Because yesterday, she grabbed five figs, and JAY caught her, and put two back, but the other three were buried in our pocket and he couldn't get them out. So, sadly and sickly, he decided he'd just toss them when we got home because eating them would be wrong (but miss thief said no, she wanted them, "why waste them?" nevermind that we ALL know we vomit from fruit and they WOULD have ended up in the garbage one way or another, "don't waste food" my ass).
Then we got to the cash register.
AND ANOTHER MANAGER SHOWED UP.
She looked at miss thief and said, effectively, "I just want you to know that the food in the bulk section is sold by the pound. So, if you wanted any, now would be a good time to pay for that." I can't quote exactly because it was EXTREMELY passive-accusatory, but in a good way, because she was just. She didn't flat-out say, "hey thief, get that damn fruit out of your pocket and pay for it or else," but she KNEW, and put us on the spot either way.
So in a jumble of brain-switching, she dissolved again, and Jay took over, and marched back to the bulk section, where he emptied our pockets into the garbage can and put the figs back on the shelf. He then left the store and ended up laughing from shaken joy again, "thank God," because now she can't pull THAT shit again either, after several months of us being afraid to even go IN that store because of her!!
Needless to say, we'll have to avoid that store now too. GOOD. The less access we have to possible addictive spending, the better.

+ There's one problem. The devil must have put the thought into our heads because we never would have thought of it ourselves. After all this stuff blew over, therefore destroying the current addictive post-old-hacker cycle, the evil influences decided "nope, we need a NEW addiction now."
And then someone spent $60 FREAKING DOLLARS in an Indian import store.
Which they then THREW OUT ON THE LAWN when we got home because HEY GUESS WHAT WE'RE ALLERGIC TO SESAME SEEDS.
I am FREAKING FURIOUS over this shit.
(who is this?? it's not Laurie and it's not Spice, they're faceless but they feel familiar?? is it tiger lily????)
I have to say though, the Indian food thing is weird because part of our brain DOES want it? Like it was actually craving the food. Not from a shallow taste way the way the thief girl does-- our body hates sugary food and REJECTS IT and the thought of it makes us want to vomit, but the manic voices FORCE IT because they"want it" even if our entire body actually shudders at the thought of eating dried fruit or ice cream or even just brown sugar. The manics force it anyway, God knows why, but THAT needs to stop too.
But yeah, with the Indian food, we bought a bag of gathia (it has the best texture EVER) and we actually wanted to eat the whole thing AND keep it down. But no can do; too many carbs. We ended up in a horrific vomiting meltdown as a result. We need to be more careful.

+ Problem #2 with the Indian food. Someone (not the thief!!) found ANOTHER store in a different city yesterday, and bought some stuff there, and brought it home and valiantly tried to eat it, AND save it, but… well, one of the things they bought was rice, which caused instant vomiting, and then the other thing STILL had sesame in it so we ended up with a racing heartbeat and welts all over our face again. Which was terrifying, and caused ANOTHER excruciating vomiting meltdown.
But. Problem #2 is that, those were only two of the foods we got.
We did get more ganthiya, and they DID eat and enjoy it, which was nice, but then they mixed it with garbage and chucked it. So even though we tried to save it, they ruined it.
As for the rest of the food we got? All the sev and channa dal and bhujia and boondi? They THREW IT OUT ON THE LAWN. AGAIN.
…And then an hour later they decided they still wanted to eat it.
So they did.
Now you kids probably don't know about this, but the worst bingers and abusers and general bad food alters have this thing where they are convinced they are only allowed to eat garbage. We've mentioned that, but have we mentioned that they will eat literal garbage instead of good food, on purpose? And that even if we DO have good healthy food which we and the body are desperately craving, the bad food alters will decide "no, we don't deserve that, we deserve shit," and they will instead find all the scraps of food in the house, whether or not we can tolerate it, whether or not it even should be put in our mouth, and eat those.
Well, not quite. 99% of the time there's no eating going on. It's all frantic chewing and spitting, vomiting and coughing, general horrible suffering stuff.
So whoever this alter was, went out on the lawn yesterday, and "scavenged" for all the little noodles and lentils and things. They claim they had "a lot of fun" AND the girl author from before claims they DID, but in concept.
(back to her)
Now I didn't do it, but I can feel the vibe from it and we DID have fun, because it was scavenging. It was LOOKING for stuff out in the forest and it was fun in that respect. It would have been the same thing picking berries, or looking for tiny flowers, or four leaf clovers, or tiny cool rocks, or something. Just the act of miniscule finding is that we really enjoyed. The whole thing of being outside, totally occupied in a trancelike behavior, something with searching, felt so much like what we miss from childhood, that YES it was fun, YES it was comforting, but the problem was that there are bugs outside and rotten food and mold and animal hair and bird feathers and stuff and this alter was kneeling in strange plants and picking through dead leaves to find little scraps of lahsun sev and eat them, because they wouldn't eat them out of the bad. No, they had to BECOME JUNK first, then they were considered "edible." Isn't that bizarre??
(author switch)
It's because garbage "belongs to no one," therefore they "won't get in trouble" if they eat it, as they aren't depriving anyone else of food by eating it, and they aren't "being selfish by demanding to eat good food" instead. It's a twisted thought process and it's sad because it has potentially good roots, but it's completely misapplied and it just ends up with us getting sick,
(back)
Yeah!! Because miss scavenger was getting bits of cat hair and dead leaves and God knows what else in her hands with the bits of food, and there were bugs biting us all over, and God also knows whether or not those plants were irritants, who knows, but she kept shoving things in her mouth and chewing them up and spitting them back out because EVEN THEN she's terrified of swallowing anything dense, and the worst part is that she still enjoyed it. There was something about the whole thing that she actually took comfort in, and I don't know if it's the "lack of guilt" like you said, about garbage not being anyone else's property, but I don't know. It just makes me sad that she's using OUR BODY to do this, and then we end up sick and nauseous and bedridden and we're wondering why, and the instant we get better she's running back out the door to do the same thing.
How do you REASON with these alters when they have NO SENSE OF SELF in order to even function that way/ exist???
Abusive alters never have a real sense of self, or a concept of real existence; they're like semiconscious programs just shoved into the body,

+ Celebi was singing to the numb-bad alter (the queen of horrid) when she was wasting ANOTHER box of raisin bran THAT BELONGED TO OUR MOTHER, and Celebi was bitter and heartbroken and angry and singing "what good is a friendship when you would choose your addictions over me" and "you claim you love me but you've never even said the word" and basically, calling her out on her crap, that this numb girl CLAIMED to be the "host" or "core" or whatever, part of a bloodline, but she ISN'T. This girl claims to hold all that inherited stuff but she DOESN'T and she's just a STONE COLD LIAR and Celebi knows, and she hates it, she just wants Jewel back, she just wants this to stop. We all do.
The numb girl loves killing time. She doesn't care about anyone but herself.
//
Celebi also noted that this girl is full of hatred and rage, not just apathy, which is bizarre but true. She has no feeling, no conscience at all, but below the surface there is always this slow awful boiling buzz of fury, God knows why; we can't detect a motive OR object for it, it's just there, churning away with horrific intensity.
//
So she chewed through another box of raisin bran and threw it all out on the lawn again and then threw up like 5 glasses of water just in case we did swallow anything and now we owe the mother ANOTHER 5 dollars and I am so sick of this.

+ She ate an ENTIRE FRUITCAKE that the mom spent WEEKS making, and we're both heartsick and terrified because how do you replace THAT????? That's TONS of money and time, all flour and dried fruit and alcohol and we can't just apologize for that shit, not when we didn't even WANT it to happen, not when our mother refuses to accept this D.I.D. shit in the first place, which we don't blame her for because it's a pain in the ass with all these abusive alters. We don't want them either.
But it's existentially terrifying when you have to admit they do exist. For us now, for me right now, they're concepts. I've never seen them, never met them. But there's awareness of their actions, like a bad paper trail, and it's jarring in a morally terrifying way to realize that their sins are on our hands and tied to OUR FACE and no one outside would even know the difference between those girls and the rest of us. The very awareness of that makes us want to vomit, even worse when we realize that they are KILLING US in the process and how do we stop them??
HOW THE HECK DO WE STOP THEM??? THIS HAS TO STOP!!!!! FOREVER!!!! ASAP!!!! OR WE'RE GOING TO DIE.
We're going to die.

Does anyone else realize that?
That they're literally killing us now, with their apathetic or manic sinful behavior?
The old hackers were spiritually murderous, that's true. They took our soul and brain and hacked at them with horrific intensity, nonstop, for ten years. They made us WANT to die, daily, nightly, just to be free. But we at least existed in contrast to them back then. We WANTED to be free, we FOUGHT, we atoned, we did everything we could to stand up to them. And we won, at long last, we won for good.
This isn't so "easy," and I say that bitterly and ironically.
Food you can't run from. At least we don't know how yet. The body currently needs food to live.
And yes, we can live on little. We can live on vegetables and be happy, we've done it before; the body gets more energy and happiness that way anyway.
But these girls won't let us. And I say that with furious reluctance, because it's not about giving up, it's about them having TOO MUCH INFLUENCE and power here. We WANT this to stop, but they don't, God knows why, and when we try to stop, they step in with cold heartless compulsion and say "no I don't want to stop" and they don't.
I need to emphasize just how hollow they are. They don't exist outside of their addictive behavior. Lock them in an empty room, or force them to sit som

(sudden xanga style)
THAT'S important too!!! They really only exist for the most part AROUND OTHER PEOPLE.
Not quite?
Yeah but the SHOPPING. I think?
They come home to an empty house and STILL binge.
Yeah but it's OUR HOUSE. Have you ever felt the vibe of that place? It's FILTHY. It feels like binge addictions. The place is a depressing dirty mess. No wonder they binge.
Remember, NO ONE binges on the porch!! And even the crudpile girl, she felt like she was actually trying to do right with eating, even if she messed up in the application of the process!! It's going IN THE HOUSE that we have trouble, because it feels wrong.
So you think we should try to eat outside from now on?
It's worth a shot. I mean we had no trouble at ALL at the hospital, right? That's why Jay keeps trying to go back to it.
Good point.
So we've gotta try. Maybe that's all we can do right now, is take the power away from that context for those girls before they can do more harm. Give us time to recover so we can FIX things at last.
But we need downtime first.
Right.


More than anything, we need time to ourselves. We need time to be ourselves.
At our computer, the thought of eating, let alone bingeing or abusing, doesn't exist. Here at this computer, awareness is internal, eternal, infinite, creative, open. Everything is head-based. It's wonderful. The outside world and its angst and depressing loops disappears. All that grungy, oppressive, rectangular-small burning vibe of stores and houses disappears and we feel safe, here at a laptop, everything feels big and white and wide open. We adore it, so much.

The Indian food stores have a horrible vibe to them. Import stores feel like that in general, I remember the vibe of the Asian ones in SLC, they had a slightly different color due to content but the same shape and temperature. Synaesthetically, they're all cramped rectangles. Like… there's no "open space." It's like a brick, and everything is compressed into it, and it's awful. The Indian food stores feel reddish, and too hot, and too square, just like their food tastes. All that dense spiciness is hellish to the synaesthetic senses. "You are what you eat" and it's TRUE, so why in the world would you want to swallow anything that makes you feel like THAT???
Problem is, it tastes good. Problem is, something about it is good, but that darn density kills us. We allegedly used to like spicy food, but ugh, no more, if we ever really did. The thought of eating spices makes us grimace. It's not just because of the summer heat-- it's because of the heat in general! We do NOT like heat, at all. So putting that in our body is awful.
But see, there's the issue. Someone keeps buying spicy food because THEY like it. Who is it?? Who likes spicy food and keeps eating it even if it makes the rest of us AND the body sick?? We gotta find them and talk to them, if possible. (Most socials can't be talked to as they don't "really exist" as people, remember.)
The smell is worse. There's a fetid hotness to the spice that makes our stomach flip even when smelling an empty bag now. Isn't it crazy that one alter can love this stuff genuinely, and then everyone else thinks it's disgusting? How can you get such a switch in preferences like that, such a total break in perception? It's so weird, and it's exhausting, and it makes me want to cry sometimes, thinking about how much we have to fix, and don't know how.

The bad alters kept borrowing money to feed their addictions. Yes, they did. They got us all into horrible debt again. AGAIN. We just barely paid off their LAST debt, which was disgustingly huge-- literally, they owed people about two freaking thousand dollars from the past three years, and thank God we finally paid most of it off, but we STILL have $300 lingering on that tab, PLUS $550 from last month alone.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GIRLS EVEN DOING THAT YOU'RE SPENDING SO MUCH DAMN MONEY?????
They're wasting it is all.
Yeah but on WHAT???????
Consider that they just spent $60 freaking dollars on Indian food in one day, then went back the next day and spent $40 more.
$100 dollars on SHIT in 24 hours??? How the hell are they even getting AWAY with this???
Because we're not around.
…
We haven't been around. None of us have. And although we're here now, they're not. They can't be. They don't exist in safe environments, by their very function, just as we don't usually exist in unsafe ones.
So you're telling me they're built to be shitheads???
Basically.
So what do we do?? How do we even stop them if we're not allowed to shove in over their function capacity, when they're SUPPOSED to be shit??
*I don't think any part of our psyche should fit that definition, at any point. None of us should ever be "supposed" to be bad. And the very fact that we have some alters that do fit that broken label, is the biggest problem in and of itself. Something in our brain decided that, in order to survive, we had to develop an inherently "bad" alter to do it. Those girls.
Yeah but survive what?? What are they surviving?? They're KILLING us!!!
I think maybe they think that's the better option, if they're even aware of it, and that alone is scary. But like you said before, or one of you, that one girl who eats garbage? She genuinely believes that is the morally better option, rather than eating good healthy food, because she things self-care is a sin.
Bullshit. Look at what it's doing to the rest of us.
Yeah, but tell her that. She might not even be aware that the rest of us exist, and probably isn't, due to her function as a social.
So what do we do?
…Like the other girl said, the good one. Take time away from them. Stop killing Celebi. Stop taking away our life because they don't know how to exist. We do. So we need to. And we need to meditate more too. It's exhausting for me to type right now, let alone stay conscious, let alone stay unsplintered, because it's been months since I was functioning properly and months since any of our true System members were running the show. And you guys aren't on my level either, so talking to you is excruciating, and it's making all of us suffer from the level split.
Yeah, we can barely reach you or talk at this point. One of us has gotta go or these links are gonna break all at once.
Depends. You want to type more? Or should I take over and try to at least center out, or type differently before we go to bed?
What time are we going to bed? 2? Again? That's not good either.
Oh geez, I don't know. Today feels like it was a blur. What does the data say?
We got sick, suffice to leave it at that. Girl eating garbage off the crudpile, lots of vomiting, someone eating chocolate and peanut btuter and fruitcake. Bullshit.
All right, that's terrifying, that NEEDS to stop. No wonder there's a haze of sheer panic hanging over this body. But guys, I am slipping badly, I can't talk with a level split without losing myself and you guys are suffering too.
You type then. You need data, you ask us, or the Archivists. I'm getting too System-aware to stay downstairs at this point, so I'm calling it quits. I'll see you around. Good luck, and fix this if you can, all right? We're counting on you.
We'll do our best. I will, and so will everyone else up here. We have to do it in unity. That's the only way we'll ever succeed.
Tell that to the ones downstairs who don't give a shit.
We're trying. And hey, I like you. Keep up the good work, whoever you are, I'm counting on you too.
Hey, thanks. I will.





So, who the heck was that?
No idea, but they're cool. It's deeply reassuring to realize that people like that exist on the downstairs level.
Holy swords, does this count as a Xanga session???
Partly?
Oh thank God, my prayers have been answered. Thank God.
Hahah.
No, really! This shit is picking up lately, you notice? Problems being solved so fast, after months of nothing happening on the home front? Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Oh, and what's this about Pokemon Go?
Oh man, that’s right, they didn't mention that.
Yeah, about how we're so much in debt, we're literally going to be living in poverty all of next month because our entire SSI check is going to go towards paying that off instead of saving up for a smartphone or buying food.
Preferably both.
Yeah, no shit man, but you get what I mean.
…I do. And Celebi was upset about that too.
So I heard. …She was singing about it?
Pure stream-of-consciousness song, yeah. The sort of gorgeous thing that the Jewel line only ever used to get. Probably the only reason that abuser girl even heard it in the first place was because Celebi was directing it towards her, and she was in enough of an empty-headed trance state to hear it in the first place. She didn't care though.
…I am so  bloody furious over this shit, you know that?
Which shit?
The absolute waste of time and life, and watch your damn mouth, kid, don't slip on me. We've been out of tune for way too bloody long, but don't you get lax, or you'll slip into the Jayce bloodline disaster and we all know what happened there.
…You're right. I'm deeply sorry, Laurie, I really lost sight of who I was there for a minute.
Yeah, I know. Watch the facial hair, dude, you don't have a goatee. He does. You're not him, and I don't want you acting like him, capisce?
Capisce.
Heh. No really, kid. Watch what you're doing, remember who you are. We all have to be really freaking vigilant from now on, no matter how "excruciating" it may be.
Oh, did you catch that though? How no one's ever really noticed that before?
The level splits? We know that, kid, everyone suffers when trying to operate in an environment they weren't built for.
Yeah, but… there was something new about it. The explanation as to why it's so hard TO talk to those people.
Oh yeah, good point! I never even considered it that way. You can't even talk to someone on that level from here because it doesn't even translate to their level in that sense.
Yeah! So it's not that we're not trying, it's that there are too many boundaries in the way acting as obstacles. We need people on that level to talk to them, that way they can HEAR them, and maybe then we can talk some sense into them.
So how the heck do we reach them? Write letters?
Maybe.
…Geez, that was a joke, but that worked last time, didn't it? I forgot about that, that was amazing actually how well it worked.
It did. Strangely, maybe, in how it played out, but it worked.
We gotta do that again then. Kid, honestly, what time are we going to bed?
1 o'clock.
Kind of late, but I'll forgive it tonight, since we're doing this and also you're sick as a dog, poor kid. I'd ask "how the heck do you put up with this" but honestly we've gotta STOP putting up with this garbage. Like she said, whoever she is. I like her, we've gotta find a way to talk to those people on some level to keep communication going.
Yeah, we do. So letters is one thing, what about messengers? Like Minty's bears or the snakes or the anchor plushies or something? People who can move between levels and not lose anything for it, and therefore connect vastly separated areas in a sense.
Perhaps. We'll have to ask Minty and see who else can help.
Ask me what?
Shit, are you in here??
No I can't get in there but what do you want my help with?
Bears. They're messengers, right?
Yep.
How so? What do they do?
Well… they help people? With whatever they need to do? I don't know, I've never really… given them a big job yet. I'm sorry.
It's okay, Minty. It's just that we might have a big job for them now. Problem is, they aren't self-aware, are they?
No, that's not their job either. They're more like messengers, like angels, they do what they're supposed to do and that's it.
Hm. Well that could still work for something, kid, thanks a lot.
Uh-huh. …Is that it? Do you need me for something else?
Nah, we're cool. You take care of yourself, kid, all right?
I will! And-- the Bear will take care of me too, I promise.
Good, he's cool too. Hey Jay, 11/11 at the bottom of the page again.
I love when that happens. It only happens with us. It's profoundly comforting and reassuring.
Can't put it into words, huh?
No.
Heh, maybe that's a good thing in a way. Hey Minty.
Yeah?
You tell Braxton or whatever his name is that we're planning something with the bears in the near future if they can help in the way we need.
Which is what?
Communicating directly with the lower-level fronters that we personally can't reach without slipping. We need a way to stop the abusive socials and the only way to talk some sense into them is to talk to them as someone who has sense. Problem is there are very few sensible people down there, and the ones who are, have level-split problems.
So… you want me to send the bears instead?
Maybe, depends on whether or not it would work. It's all up in the air right now, kid, so don't you worry. --Oh, there you are man. Long time no see, how's it been?
Good. Quiet. How are you?
Good to be alive, man, that's about all I can say. Troubles are another thing. You hear what I tell your kid?
…Yes. I will tell her if I think of anything further.
Further?
To help. I do not know if it would work yet. We will see. Keep me posted.
Heh, sure thing man. You two get some rest, all right? Tomorrow's another day.
You do too! Good night Jay, good night Laurie!!
Good night Minty.
'Night, kid, thanks for helping us out.
No problem, that's my job!
It is mine as well. Do not hesitate to ask if you need me.
Yeah, especially since your function is still kinda hazy, buddy.
…It'll solidify in time. All in it's own time.
Yeah, that's about what I've been saying about life lately too. Good to keep in mind though. Really, I'll see you in the morning or whenever, this kid's got work to do and I'm bad at goodbye's anyway.
Bye!!
Bye Minty, bye Braxton. I'll keep you posted.
…
Man. Getting back into the swing of things pretty fast, huh? Feels good.
It does. A little rushed right now, but still.
That's 'cause it's late, kid. Things always feel rushed when it's late.
Not usually?
I mean late enough to be late. Early, but not early. You get what I mean, kid?
Yeah, but explain it to the people!
Hey, at least you're laughing. We need a hell of a lot more mirth up here with what's going on.
We need roots in joy.
We do. It'll help a lot. Anyway, what I mean was that until like 1am, 2am, it's late but it's not early enough to not feel late.
Like at 3am, time stops working and you're just there.
Time stops around 2am though, doesn't it? Usually?
It settles in then, yeah. And it goes until 6 or so, then settles back into "real time" for 7.
So we've got like, four hours of bliss if we stay up "late" enough.
Yeah. So it feels rushed from 11pm to around 1am because we know we should be getting to bed--
But we're not--
Exactly-- so until it's been established that we're not going to sleep soon…
Things feel rushed.
Yeah.
You're tired.
No kidding!
I know, kid, I'm just always surprised when I see it hit you, because you haven't been out in so long. It's heartbreaking to see you taking the consequences of this disaster, and frankly it pisses me off too.
I'd say it does that to me too but that's only if I slip into the wrong bloodline roots, like you said.
Yeah, don't do that, kid, it's potentially fatal and you know it.
I do. Help me be careful about that, okay?
I will. And see how much better and brighter your vibe feels when you're tapped into you and not some mindless obligatory behavior drive?
Yeah. It's clearer, it's conscious, it's me.
Stay in that, kid. Even if you have to stop talking to me, stay in that.
…Maybe I should tap out and just put on some music for a few minutes or something. It feels like a luxury, but frankly, I think we could use some benevolent "luxuries" in the near future solely to heal from the abusive garbage treatment we've been getting. That feels bad to say; why is that?
It's the fear of becoming selfish, and more specifically, materialistic. Indulgent.
We're already "indulgent" when the garbage girls front.
Point taken, and ironically too. But the point is that's where the fear comes from. We don't want to be selfishly indulgent, so the phase two hackers disguise that selfish indulgence as self-abuse. Same vice though.
That's an interesting and worrisome observation.
Yeah, no kidding. Sherlock, write that down.
Already did, Laurie.
Write it twice, really dig it into the page. That needs to stick.
Then re-read it later. I can only write so hard on the first pass. Lessons need to be reviewed in order to truly stay.
Good point man. Jay, re-read this tomorrow.
I'll have to. It's hard to get memory to stick late at night anyway.
So you think you really need a break, huh? Late night takes a toll on the body's ability to concentrate.
It does. You re-wrote that sentence like, three times.
Couldn't figure out how to word what I wanted to say, kid. Point is, it's late, the body is bloody exhausted and is shutting down, but you want to stay up late because it's sick and you want to recover, and also you want to take some time to regroup before going to bed because let's face it kid, you don't want them going to sleep, and frankly I miss you at night. Chaos does too. We all do.
…That was a sword to my heart. That's a good sign.
Good. Good. God knows we need you feeling again.
I never stopped.
…I mean, geez… I mean, we need you feeling again.
Ah.
Yeah. Those girls without a conscience… how the heck did that happen? That's absolutely terrifying.
Probably being unable to deal with the guilt and shame, so it just shut off the capacity for that.
Wow. That's uncool.
It is. I really don't want to think about causes though, that jumbles up this head even more. I can feel that's it's a wrong perspective and I can feel why, essentially enough. The point is, and the most important thing, is fixing it. I can fix it without digging through knots to find out exactly how it got so twisted. Thinking too much about that just makes me twisted too, by letting too much of into my head.
Good point, kid. So what's step one, in that respect?
…Vigilance. Little steps. Eating outside, as that girl mentioned. Spending more time alone, to slowly shift the focus away from social-oriented mania to solitude-oriented peace. One step at a time, so we don't get overwhelmed. But it needs to start small by the same token.
Too much at once and we burn out, kid, I know.
Plus we're dealing with a level split, so.
That's why. It's hard enough talking to them from up here. Trying to yank the reins out of their hands all at once would be frankly impossible at this point, plus it wouldn't solve their issues, which is what needs to be done so they don't start this up again. Also I get what you're saying about the brain shutting down, holy swords, go put some music on and then get to bed, kid.
Is there anything else we need to say tonight?
Nope, not tonight, you get to sleep. Everything else can wait until tomorrow.
Are you sure?
…Shopping list? Is that what you're thinking? What shopping list, who's planning what?
The girls want to get one more round of Indian food and also that coconut oil. I'm scared of it, but whoever likes it genuinely wants to try, and that same person is notthe thief or the numb furious one.
Who is that, the worst one? Is that Jessica?
I think? Celebi called her that and she responded to it.
Wait, what? She did??
Yeah. Also her self-image is awful, all tangled hair and she's probably seventeen and she smells like the mother. She's viscerally terrifying, and everytime I see her she's wearing our high school uniform.
…Holy shit. Holy shit, did you just find out about this?
Just today, yeah. We need to look into this.
Yeah, no shit! This could be the key to solving this, finding the real root so we can tear the damn thing out.
Yeah, without going nuts trying to guess at it from context clues and things when we might-- probably--
Definitely aren't operating on the same wavelength, kid.
Thanks for finishing that thought for me.
No prob, I got what you were trying to say. You going to bed now? After the music? Geez, I'm sorry, I'm faltering too. It's too bloody late, we're too freakin' tired. What are we doing about the food? Who's buying the stuff? The good girl?
Uh… not sure? Someone with genuinely good intentions who genuinely wants to try it as an edible food, and understands that if it doesn't work she has to stop buying it.
Holy swords, now that's a milestone.
Yeah. So I appreciate that.
How about the coconut butter or whatever? Is that the cake stuff? Didn't we vote that we disliked it last night?
Again, someone did, someone didn't.
Ah. Shit.
Yeah, so one more shot on that too, so data can stick, because a binger got it last night and when that happens--
Ah, yeah, the whole thing is basically wiped from the comprehension drive. Or whatever. Kid, call this quits so we can get some sleep before Dalton's job tomorrow.
Is he still around?
He ain't dead, but he ain't workin' either. Give him some time in tomorrow if you can, all right? We don't need anyone good dying. And get that food if it's safe, I want to talk to this girl if I can, if that'll bring her out and if her allegedly good heart leaves her open to hearing us talk to her in the first place.
Hey, that's an important detail distinction too! Maybe the level splits won't be so bad if that's the case with more people?
Vulnerability, yeah. Childlike wonder, that ties into the imagination and by extension into higher levels of headspace like us. Hey, that's a good point indeed kid, nice catch.
Thanks Laurie. Now I really miss Infinitii right now, which is really true to my heart and really important in wake of today so--
Holy swords, yeah, go do that then, be with hir. You haven't been with hir in a while, that that alone is an indication of how out of sync we've been.
Yeah, it is.
So go do that. Put hir music on and just be with her and let that love branch out to hit the rest of us, kid. Maybe that's step one, is putting the good roots down first, where they can just choke out the bad shit.
Infinitii's standing over there.
Yeah, I know, that's why I'm having trouble talking or even getting my thoughts together right now. Geez, I miss this, you know? Feeling stuff like this, up here. I haven't been around either, kid; when the core fronters slip we all slip.
All wounds heal in time, Laurie.
Yeah and you're space, what does that say about things?
That there is wholeness beyond time, and you need only touch it to remember.
Jay, ze's flirting with you already, I'm outta here.
Laurie. It was not meant like that.
I see you smirking. "But it could have been," right?
Perhaps. There are many meanings to many things.
Yeah, and don't I know it. Hey, you two do whatever your hearts tell you you need to do. I'll be up in our room, kid. Your room. Our room?
Everyone's room.
Pfsh, yeah, ain't that the truth. Sweetest thing, too. Infi, you take care of him.
So do you.
…I didn't mean that as a declaration, but… yeah. We both do. Nice one, by the way.
So are you.
Stop freakin' smirking at me, man, I'm outta here. Love you too. Jay, I adore you, don't hurt yourself.
…Laurie you're breaking my heart, you're making it do funny things.
Good. Good, because I miss that too, more than anything.
…
If you're up for anything later, you let me know.
I will. God knows I will.
Jay, are you closing this up?
Yeah. Yeah, I feel alive deep down all of a sudden and I want, I want to live like this all the time again, more than anything. I want to cry thinking about how hard daily life has been with those damaged fronters in charge. It hurts my heart.
Ssh, ssh. Don't focus on that. Focus on healing. Focus on love. Only that will heal them or us.
They can't feel it.
That is the problem. Teach them. If they cannot learn, they will dissolve. Just you watch, Jay. Shine the light on the shadows and they will disappear.
…Yeah, that has been happening, hasn't it. What happens when I shine the light on you?
There are two types of shadows, Jay. One holds the light just like you do.
In your heart?
In my heart. Except mine is black and white, instead of red and blue.
…Oh. Oh, you're hitting me hard with mentioning that.
Do you feel more alive now, Jay?
Ironically, as my heart is breaking, but… that seems to be a big part of feeling alive, if my past memory is any indication.
And your present experience.
Yeah. Thank God for present experiences.
Do you want to put some music on, Jay?
And?
And what, Jay? I don't need to do anything. That is the point.
I think I need that too.
You do. You do.
I love you, Infinitii.
Say that again, with feeling.
…I can't, not in typing.
Good. Then say it to me otherwise.

…and now I feel alive.

 

 

 

 

★: Are there any nonhumans in your system? If so what kind?


Technically, we’re all “nonhuman” in some sense. The word “headvoice” also works as a species name, for lack of a better term, and applies to all of us, both humanoid and beastly, as we all function similarly at heart. However, yes, most of us still pass for humans at a glance, albeit painted in technicolor hues of course.

As for those who are obviously not humanoid, we have a decent amount, although again they are not the majority— which is admittedly a shock, as our original hosts had almost exclusively internal lives and therefore associated constantly with nonhumans within. However said nonhumans were tied to an entirely different sort of inner world than ours, and therefore that massive split in function likely contributed to us appearing far more human than those non-traumatized individuals.

But we’re off-topic! The following members of our System are the “most” nonhuman:

Spine (skeletal dragon), Aimee (anthro cat), "The Bear" (bipedal bear monster), "Dead Red" (demonesque), Hyakin (semi-avian), Genesis (this guy), Wreckage (fiendish), "Honeybee" (insectoid), Nathaniel (semi-moth), Cel (insectoid), CZ (aquatic being), Emmett (serpent), Minty (teddy-girl), "Seafloor" (mermaid-esque), Waldorf (alien), Kyanos (angel), Xenophon (this kid), Infinitii (this creature).

Algorith, Zwei, and Einsatz all seem to be cyborg-esque in composition.

Spice, Razor, Laurie, Knife, Jay, and Sherlock are all “not quite human” when you really look but again, for them it’s more subtle.

 

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@ 05:39 pm

April 4th, 2014

 

I couldn't remember most of this dream (I didn't fall asleep until after 5AM), but what I do remember really meant a lot to my heart.

I was sitting behind the curtain on a stage (stage left), with a group of people who looked like college age kids. There was some sort of awards ceremony going on out there, as the stage was all lit up, and there was obviously an audience watching. The current award being given was the final one, for "inventions" that some of the people backstage had made, as they had been judged according to which were considered the most applicable, beneficial, and unique. Apparently many different awards had already been given for different things, but this invention one was "nationally acclaimed" or something, and so it would be very prestigious to win? So all these kids were all waiting excitedly to hear who had won-- except me, actually. I was sitting further back to the left than anyone else, leaning against the brick wall, and just smiling. I knew I wouldn't win (I hadn't entered that division), but there was one girl who had entered, sitting excitedly right next to the stage, and I wanted her to win more than anything. Not surprisingly, it was my old elementary schoolmate, AAA. I understood that she had already won seven awards, and that she was one of the "top picks" for this last and greatest one... and sure enough, as I watched, her name was announced as the recipient. Everyone burst out in applause, and her face absolutely lit up-- but then she jumped up, eyes wet from joy, threw her fists in the air and shouted "yes!" It was such a spontaneously elated action that I felt the same way right along with her. She ran out to stage and received the award, which was given with honest warmth. The crowd backstage was now beginning to break up, as the awards ceremony was over, but I stayed where I was, just enjoying the moment. Honestly I was waiting until AAA left the stage so I could congratulate her personally, away from the current crowds that were still around her.
As I waited, I became more aware of where I was-- off the stage, the area actually opened up into a small room, with white plaster walls and some wooden chairs folded up against one wall. I couldn't see too much due to the people, and also because Laurie then walked over and sat down to my right, which immediately took my complete attention. She didn't say anything at first, but then handed me a sealed business envelope with my name on the front. She gave me a meaningful look as she did so, and said something to the effect of "just for the record." I nodded, as she turned to look at the stage now herself. I then looked down at the letter, turning it over, and saw that on the back, across the bottom, was a line of fine script in violet ink. It said rather simply, "no matter what, remember that I will always love you." This really tugged at my heart, but I couldn't hold on to that feeling for too long because right then I noticed someone running up to me, and looked up. It was AAA herself, still beaming but teary-eyed, and she too was holding a letter. I stood up then, smiling, to congratulate her, but she responded by pressing her letter into my hands, saying it was for me. I was confused, but accepted it gratefully, placing it alongside Laurie's. I smiled a little at that, and wondered for a second to myself if her letter said anything similar on the back-- it would be nice, but not necessary of course. However, the second I thought that, AAA reached out, took my face in her hands, and actually kissed me. I remember being completely surprised, but consciously told myself to pay attention, don't forget this, as it obviously was significant to her as well as to me. So I just let myself experience that. She didn't let go of me afterwards though, instead pressing her forehead to mine, and whispered that she had "always known" about my support for her, and how much I had cared, over all the years. She then added that she had also "always wanted to say yes" to the love I had for her? Like she had never rejected it, she was perfectly willing and capable of reciprocating, I just had never ever asked or expressed anything. But now, she was effectively closing that gap. She said all this while holding my face like that, with a few awards people standing nearby and watching, smiling at us, and it just meant a lot to me.
The dream continued a bit after that, but it became rather convoluted and blurry so I won't worry about trying to record it.


AAA was also in another one of my dreams earlier this week-- all I remember is that she handed me a small four-leaf-clover pin, all gold with ruby heart-shaped leaves (kind of like this?), with virtually the same sentiment as the one with which she presented the letter in this dream.

I have no idea why I still dream about that girl so much-- I haven't even seen a glimpse of her in about 7 years-- but I'm not complaining. She seems to have ascended to a sort of dream element in her own right by this point, representing an undying ideal separate from her waking self, and that's fine by me.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:53 pm

Okay, quick update because it is late and today was a bit of a mess but who cares, life is still too lovely.

First off, dream last night. In it, my old school 'crush' AAA won a prestigious academic award, and then after the ceremony, I was waiting to congratulate her-- but Laurie was with me. She handed me a letter envelope with my name on it, which I didn't get to open, but written on the back in violet ink was a small yet significant phrase-- "no matter what happens, remember that I love you."
That meant a lot more than it otherwise would have on its own, thanks to last night. We'll get to that.

Secondly, as I was still in an artistic mood from yesterday (especially concerning that poster idea), I decided to go look up refs for Javier's hairstyle (technically a deathhawk with braided sides?), but that caught Josephina's attention too, and since I already had his facial structure roughed-out on paper, he insisted I try to draw him first. So I did, and it doesn't look too bad at all! So Javes is next, hopefully, because he's getting a lot easier to see lately (especially since he's been putting a lot of extra thought and work into his role) and honestly I'd like to focus on him for a while in any case. He still smells like Christmas, amusingly-- all cloves and nutmeg-- which is surprisingly fitting to him as a person. Like Laurie, he has a sort of public "edge," that makes him seem more blazing and harsh at a glance than he actually is. His edge is a lot softer than Laur's, though, and he really doesn't have any walls; the slightest sentimental push and he'll completely crumble into heartfelt compassion, the sort with so much fire behind it it can surprise even me at times. Javier is seriously the perfect person to hold the Red core slot; he is everything I ever was on my best days while holding that color. I'm really proud of him, actually.

Third, speaking of Javier and Laurie.
I was up stupidly late last night reviewing old Xanga entries, and finding quotes for that poster project... but it ended up breaking my heart, looking for Laurie's.
I was all but sobbing from how much my heart hurt. She got close to that too, once she saw the ones I had picked.

I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me.

You were wondering why I wear so many of these bandages? Can you imagine what I'd look like without them??

I tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, for God's sake, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?

She realized I was choosing the absolute most heart-wrenching ones for her and she actually began to tear up, almost disbelievingly.
Javier had this verge-of-tears look as well, as he listened and watched, asking us "what did you go through?" and basically trying to understand just how much history Laurie and I had, especially those moments that left beloved scars. The both of us were trying to explain, but since it was so late I was actually slipping into bloody poet mode, both despite and because of the pain, and how I wish I could remember what I said... but I know how it felt, and it was one of the truest things I've felt in a very, very long time. Unfortunately I slipped up at one point, I was two seconds away from probably kissing Laurie but then I stopped, both feeling and talking so honestly, the self-censorship kicked in. For a minute we all got scared I had unplugged, but I started talking again, same topic, and managed to slip back into sincerity after a minute or so although it was shaky now. But I was hitting some really deep waters, and when I started re-reading those quotes the fog of hesitance started to dissipate almost immediately. The pain and the love was too great not to.
And then, I forget when exactly it happened, but I was trying not to break into sobs and Laurie suddenly kissed me, not caring that Javier was there, and without pulling my hair. Believe it or not I don't think she's ever done that before. That pain was always the last bastion she had up against total openness and vulnerability, for both of us, but right then there was no sting at all, just the overwhelming heartbreak that had sparked such an action.
I just... I loved her so much right then. Honestly, I adored her for the past several hours (and years) prior, but in that second where she straight-up didn't care about walls or toughness or anything of the sort... it reminded me so much of January 8th, in its own way.

Laurie and Javier now appear to be bffs so this is good, I think he's awesome too. I hope he sticks around more often, we're all trying to get more people than just Laurie to work with me during the day, and personally I'd like my red bro to be one of the people I see pretty frequently, especially if we're all getting along so well already!

Now I am sorry, but I keep having to post these entries ridiculously late so I have to call it quits on this one for now.
Don't worry, I'm sure there will be even more to talk about tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to update.
I'm listening to some binaural beats right now to calm me down; the body's been unsettlingly off-kilter for the past week or two and already I'm feeling massive calmness from this (thanks theta waves, haha). So if I fall asleep while typing this up you will have to forgive me.

Anyway. First things first. I last updated here on the 10th, and I remember little concrete events since then, so let me just do a stream-of-consciousness list for whatever comes to mind.

Last Tuesday, I tried to update here, but failed due to stress overload. All I recorded was, "some thermophobic kid was out today-- TERRIFIED of heat." This is true; for some reason, the temperature was around 60 degrees Fahrenheit that day, and the moment it registered there was a full-out, hysteric panic attack.
When we got home the fear subsided entirely, which was bizarre. Also odd was the fact that, at that same time, I realized that I have no memories of what summer is like. None! I have the vague factual awareness that the trees and grass will get green and dark and the birds will be singing and flowers will be blooming, and it will be warm. But that's literally a snapshot data piece. All the "summer memories" of the past are rather buried, and feel negative. That's probably where this scared kid gets it. But that's new, and weird, because I literally have never seen summer and so I'm curious. Jewel says it's great, so I trust her. She loves summer, I love winter. It works out!
Also on Tuesday, there was an important note saying there was an overpowering feeling of sorrow, and being furiously frustrated over feeling "unable to express it," effectively driving that person to tears from the lack of catharsis. "That person" feels like Overload, and probably was (she deals with those sorts of sensations). Regardless that feeling has persisted on and off until today, and we're all working together sincerely to try and heal that, as it is obviously the main thing making us sick! Everything has internal roots so we are in the ideal position to fix those things, haha.

Last Thursday was Xenophon's 3rd birthday! Unfortunately my memory is shot so I remember little of it, but I can tell you this-- we made her extremely purple kale soup (purple kale, purple carrots, purple shallots, also tons of parsley) as it's her favorite food, she followed me around driving for the day, and I know we did something else but it's escaping me right now. Nevertheless I've been spending time with her whenever she wishes to, and when I'm mentally able.

On that note, we've taken to doing our nightly indoor walks again, with the old iPod on, as they are perfect for everyone just getting together and talking, or simply meditating when headspace isn't busy, or not accessible. They help a lot in terms of stability, too, as they're our only real "safe quiet time" during the day. However I mention them here because there are small but notable connections and interactions within the System every night we are tuned into those walks, so even if I can't "summarize" them here I can say with certainty that those little honest times are helping foster more community between us all. I think this sort of thing started in December, notably with this lovely night, and that was so significant to us all that we try to have similar times whenever possible now. In short the little things matter most.

I took out His Dark Materials from the library on Tuesday, so I will likely spend tomorrow writing down all the bookmarked passages I have for it, and then constructing a relevant entry around those IF needed. You know how quickly things change up here; what is still applicable will be discussed, what is not will not be. Nevertheless the experiences of reading the book need to be written down so an entry will happen either way.

I am currently playing this song on loop with the pitch dropped by 5 semitones, and it is great. I'm currently going through my mother's entire music library (so many CDs) and I stumbled across that one, so there you go. We're saving up for a new iPod as Razia is pretty shot at this point, but he still plays music! He's survived so much since 2010 (cross-country trips, being lost outside for several months, etc.) that I honestly have to applaud his hardiness. He's a tough little thing.

That creepy "clawteeth" voice from the 4th found her name: it's Wreckage. When feeling for it I kept getting the impression of "shambles," "ruins," etc. as well as a visual of destroyed buildings and scattered bones, but no letters. Then a day or two later I hit on the letter "w" which was weird as the sound I was getting was "r," like in the word "wrath" or "wreak." So I was fumbling about those two words until she essentially walked up to me during one of those times and said her name was Wreckage. Her color is also confirmed gold.
She reminds me vaguely of Spine in that she's powerful and gangly-thin, with an elongated head, but that's about it? Really she looks like she stepped out of the OFF game. I can't quite see her eyes yet, but she has this huge thin clawed fingers, as well as a mouth full of thin, sharp protruding teeth (hence her initial 'nickname'). She doesn't have a tail and I can't tell if she has horns on her head or not; there's something in the back I think but again, she's vague. She has thin sand-colored skin that looks like bleached leather stretched thin over her skeleton, hard to explain... she's wiry but it's like a compressed spring in that sense. She's all taut muscles and tightly bound power, wrapped around a skeletal frame. But, despite looking like she crawled out of a nightmare, she is a very benevolently-motivated individual (obviously as she's a Retributor). She's just like Laurie was at first: "I have an important job to do, and if you hinder me, I will show you no mercy."

Sylvain's brother is named Simeon. He's the little vanilla-colored boy that updates online whenever there's bad fronting fallout and we need someone to hold things together while we recuperate. That name had strong attachments to the color ages ago, and he said it fit when I asked him earlier this week. He's nowhere near as depressive as his brother could get, but no one yet understands the relationship between them both. Were they two halves of one entity? Did Sylvain "reset" after the massacre, or did his identity start "shifting" after the unwritten events of this day (in which he fronted and was terrified, surrounded by negative voices)? What exactly went on there? We have no answers yet but digging for them feels counterproductive, like we're trying too hard. So we'll just let that be for now, and be grateful for this kid in any case; he's a sweetheart.

I also haven't told you guys how flat-out awesome Minty is! She's actually been checking on me every night now for a few weeks now, before I go see my boss and then collapse into my room in headspace. We sleep holding a white Care Bear plush downstairs, since Minty issues plush bears specifically as "messengers" to protect or guard people when she can't-- almost like little fluffy angels. They have no will of their own, existing for that purpose of guarding others, and are effectively minor mental extensions of "the bear" more than anything. He still has no name either, but he's looking for it-- it starts with a "Br" and we think it has two syllables, that's all we can catch right now though. However he qualifies as a Protector, not a Retributor, and Minty is his 'apprentice' in that respect. She's really good at it, which now that I think about it, is likely because she's energetic and small and can run about other levels of headspace, whereas I have never seen The Bear leave the Underground. He sticks to the shadows and catacombs, staying away even from the windows. I don't know why-- he's not scared, he just stays hidden, or feels he has to for some reason? And he doesn't talk to people much, at all; again, he lets Minty pass along the messages. However, lately he has spoken to me here and there, so I got a better look at him than before-- and holy geez he's one creepy dude. I don't know if you remember his debut dream (with Laurie), but apparently yeah, he still has that big gaping maw of teeth split straight across his face, except he also has another one straight down the middle. It is WEIRD. But is is REALLY COOL. So yeah bear-dude has two mouths that intersect at the top like some kinda sandworm and it is boss

Last week we had to pick the mother up from work at 11PM so we were out driving in the dark for about 20 minutes and the "airport guy" came out fronting?? He was TALKING, he knew about the rest of us, he hasn't done that or showed his face since this day which was a very long time ago. But, he did show up in a dream last year, during a time period when we thought he had faded out, and I got this odd impression that his "ghost" (pre-manifested; he still has no face upstairs) was hanging around Sergei and Hyakin a few months ago? Either way I guess his anchor was stronger than we realized-- those memories of the sense of open-air adventure, of the literal airports and planes from 2012, are some of the only concrete first-person memories we have of that entire year. The man's got good roots, I guess he was just suppressed for ages because we haven't had that feeling of total "run out the front door and see what's out there" freedom since 2012. But with all the traveling we've been doing lately for therapy and things, I guess he's getting more energy coming in now, which is great. I tend to forget anchors work that way. Plus I don't like 'losing' people who have strongly stated their existence at least once, either in headspace or in the League, so I was honestly hoping we'd see him again, and that he'd stick around.
Similarly, the GMQ trio is still alive, but they're all slipping badly, and the last time they were out the Queen was missing. Their main concern is, rather tragically, "who are we, really?" What are our anchors? Why do we exist? What is our purpose? You get the idea. But they haven't found answers yet, and it's taking its toll on them. I don't know if I can offer any help as they are technically socials, and therefore do not have faces in headspace (they cannot be talked to unless you're fronting with them, which is very difficult since faceless fronting is head-based). Either way it hurts to see such existential struggle there. I'll keep you posted on that I suppose.

Speaking of therapy, Jewel and Sherlock have been keeping things together. Mostly we've just been data-dumping for the sake of coherence so nothing really 'new' has happened since our last recap. They've been the only two fronters for the most part, with a few tiny exceptions that I'm aware of-- last Tuesday, Wreckage came out for a moment? She was listening soberly and somewhat contritely to the therapist explaining something about retributive behavior-- I have no idea what it was, but regardless, listening to both her and Jewel beforehand had enough of an effect to get Wreckage to apologize to us (for her brutal debut), and start working with us firsthand. Which is incredible really; she's the main chthonic Protector, and is massively powerful. So of course she and Laurie are working together already. We'll talk more about that later.

Thursday-- yesterday-- was one of the most interesting therapy sessions ever. It started with Jewel, then Sherlock came out to talk data, but as he was revisiting old, dangerous thought processes in order to correct them, Laurie decided she needed to talk. I have one split-second data memory of that actually-- when people really want to front, there's this sudden painful tug at the heart center, physically as well as emotionally, and that hurts! It's an empathetic sort of shock that says, "hey, I really need to get out there." So the biggest switches are typically preceded by those. Anyway, then there was Laurie. The therapist caught on that it was her as soon as she spat out the word "bullshit" in response to those thought patterns-- which took a few minutes actually, as Laurie is actively trying to swear less. I don't know what they discussed but I know it had to do with me and I know it was important. But then, JULIE came out! All I know is that Laurie was trying to say when these negative responses had originated, and Julie realized she was the only person at all who could discuss them, so Laurie politely moved aside and let Julie phase in. That's odd to look back on-- I have no firsthand accessible memory of her there, but I can hear the "vibe" of her voice and that's both lovely and sad, to me.
Julie left after about two minutes and then Sherlock was back, somewhat frazzled but smiling, and tried to get a grip on the situation. However I have a very strong, very surreal "memo" sort of data note that INFINITII tried to talk. Just barely. But Sherlock paused and waited, let hir say a sentence or two, then reverently moved back and continued speaking. Again, no idea what ze said, or why, but that is the FIRST TIME ze's come out in a public situation so that's major... which is made even more incredible by the fact that Garrison was the next person to come out. I told you it was an amazing session! All I know about Garrison's fronting is that he sits quite straight, very focused, and his speech pattern is somewhat constricted? Like it feels "rectangular," if that makes sense. Sherlock doesn't; he's too much of a library, so it's broad. Garrison is very precise. Which is super cool. Anyway I know Jewel came out to close the session, being utterly dazed and not even trying to guess what had just happened, but then... Josephina showed up. Yes, he did. I am vaguely embarrassed but laughing at that fact, because Jo's presence is unmistakable, both because of his vocal register and his super-bright demeanor. Again, that's the second time Jo's ever come out in public-- with the first time only being back in January or so (he was out for a round of DDR at the movies, with the brother, which shocked all of us), so that's quite a quick and daring step forward! That really makes me smile to see.
Xenophon accompanied me for the drive home, which took about four hours-- apparently there was a lot of shopping to do and I remember very little of it outside of momentary snapshots. My only clear memory is around 3PM, driving all the way across town to return a store, and listening to my old Orson CD from beginning to end at Xenophon's request (she absolutely adores it). I know fronting was super-blurry because I can't deal with physical 'exuberance' well, which means trying to sing or talk animatedly or otherwise socialize will kick me out and get a Downstairs person in (I'm internally-rooted so that's still quite difficult for me).
In all honesty the rest of Thursday is a total blur, except for the fact that there was a lot of agitated discussion and action concerning the eating disorder voices, not sure how far that went. We're still working to try and manage that, which is getting a little easier now that we know of (hopefully) everyone tied to it, and Emmett is now OFFICIALLY the main eating dude now (he was pushed out for a while and that was catastrophic). Javier also helps a lot, thankfully, as he's one of the only three or so people who can order the Downstairs fronters to do anything he asks, including (most often) stopping an abusive meltdown or programmed behavior on a dime, something we all previously struggled to do even with extensive persuasion. Javier carries a lot of authority, being the Central Red holder, and he knows that so he uses it wisely and well.
In any case that guy feels insanely important, but smothered by some sort of fog. The Red slot has always been vital, and Javier has a ton of potential and ability that we are all very aware of, but he (and Spine!) keep getting overlooked. That is worrisome.
On that note, Javier and Waldorf are now apparently BFFS, they're both working with Spine as well, and I also saw Javier talking to Nathaniel with surprising sincerity yesterday? In any case, the guy is definitely taking direct action to fixing his "left out" problem.
The Spectrum told us, very clearly, that Spine is just as important. She belongs in the Brown Central slot, whether she feels she fits the bill or not. But the more we learn, the more we realize that is very true. All of us are important. We don't give ourselves enough credit.

 

Oh! Thanks to being inspired by those binaural beats, I just stumbled across this article, purely by "coincidence," and it is absolutely full of personal relevance. Definitely going to review that with everyone else; we need to make sure the correct thought processes take root, instead of all the old blackened brittle stuff. Sweep out the cobwebs and put up the crystal really.

The Tar still feels like spiders crawling around inside, sticky melted-tarmac arachnids creeping about. The seaweed-girl says sometimes it feels like they're in the stomach, when she has to purge out really heavy stuff. The chthonic people said "insects are important" and confirmed that there are still big benevolent beetles and things in the basement levels, no one knows exactly why though. Jezebel (personified Tar) is also still around but we don't know where. She was talking to Infinitii the other day and it was really chilling. What I do know is that the Tar itself, in its largest amount, is currently infesting Infinitii (as ze reclaimed its color slot). None of us are too sure what to do about that yet, other than get it out of hir, but it's tricky business.
Similarly, the Plague is stuck in me and it feels like calcification, it's awful. Not crystals, but crystallized buildup of something. Like battery corrosion. Two totally different things. FROST* has a song that reminds me of it, did you know? "Saline," like tears. "Fine chilling mime; and I don't know if I can believe in all the lies; calcify; and I don't know if I can survive the feeling, losing all that's mine." Laurie recited that line to me today when I brought up this point, and it's bizarrely relevant. There's relevance in everything if you look deep enough, and that's the point. The stuff you need always comes to you when you need it, if you're open to it, regardless of context. Reminds me of Dream World, yet again.

Today there was a massive hack. I won't go into details because I promised "Victorian" that I wouldn't (she still doesn't have a name; we're trying to find one but Wreckage says that might be tough as she's very depressed and isn't offering much energy to that purpose). Nevertheless, I think the buildup to it is part of WHY the unknown person from last week was terrified of heat-- this evening was oddly quiet and warm and dark, like the summer, and INSTANTLY the horrible internal swarming horror started.
I've never quite explained what hack threats feel like... it's not angry voices, it's more like syrupy-dark insidious twining, as if the shadows are suddenly wrapping around your legs and stomach all humid and constricting, like heated snakes. But it just creeps. And it's scary, because I try to run or otherwise override that sudden flooding of dark around my feet, but the instant fear causes me to badly dissociate. That's the REAL threat of hacks. The inescapable feeling that "the basement is flooding and the water is rising," but the water is like molasses watered down with blood and it's hot and soporific, so by the time it reaches your neck your panic instinct has already kicked up to twelve and your mind is shutting down. You know what that's like? The initial panic, "oh no I know what this is trying to build up to," and the feeling of kicking through the water with electrified nerve, all thin and jangling and shallow breathing, can last for hours. But it dulls out terribly fast. The thick dark keeps rising, but that sugar-melt warmth isn't just toxic anesthesia, it also feels too much like long-ago horrors and so the panic turns flat. "I don't want to feel this again." You can't run, it won't go away, you've been trying for hours or days or years and it's still creeping. "If this persists I am going to lose my mind, it's too terrifying." So things shut down. And then they appear. All the girls, all the women, smiling and touching and perfumed liar smiles, heavy with soft fatal coffin weight. While you are so far out of your own body that you can't fight, you can't remember how to fight or run anymore, all you remember are locked doors and humid rooms and dark windows and being pinned underneath blankets trying to breathe and failing. So you stop trying so you don't suffocate. And then nothing. And then suddenly someone is pulling you out of the flood (which has been over your head for so long that you thought the thick choking was your new air), and your whole body is in horrible wrenching pain, shaking and sick and shattered like splintered bones painted in bruises, your stomach feels like its full of broken mangled machinery and the bloodied oil is leaking everywhere. All you want to do is cry like a child but you are so dead tired you would rather sleep forever first. That's what a hack feels like lately.
I apologize. That just happened. I guess it was needed to be written.
So. Celebi was actually responsible. NOT our Cel-- who is tied to the 2001 consciousness-- this girl was the video-game one, who has a totally different attitude. I knew something was wrong the second she showed up; she's always had this really "wrong" vibe about her and she feels like total danger but I just dimly played along? Like an automaton. Everything looking back is in third person. Why? I was in the attic for some reason. Ventrium was there. His vibe clashed with the whole thing. Celebi kept goading him to do what she wanted, eventually he let her take charge. I kept trying to just walk out, walk away, I felt upset and unsafe, I kept dissociating and she kept shouting at me not to. I didn't want to be there at all, I felt sour-sick and scared and I wanted to leave, but she persisted. The next thing I knew I was in my room and I was ACUTELY aware that someone else was in the body, instead of me, but upstairs INFI was talking to Celebi?? Although they were using totally different language vibes and Infi wasn't getting involved at all. However ze did nothing to stop her, and I have no idea what they were talking about or why. However the shock of seeing hir there when I was in such pain, with hir not even paying attention to me or offering to help, basically not even seeming to realize or care that I was in great danger... that was it. My brain just blanked out. It was the point of feeling so numbly hopeless that it just turned off rather than deal with whatever was next.
Then suddenly there is a massive time loss, and the next thing I know, Wreckage is sitting at my computer for a moment and scowling furiously, then we're outside and she's throwing something into the woods behind the house, then I'm standing in the middle of the muddy lawn in a bathrobe and slippers feeling cold and not-awake, like everything is unreal. I didn't know where I was or who I was or what I was doing really. I felt small and lost and surreal but I felt the earth alive under my feet for a second and that made me feel safer, like there was something greater and kind and alive supporting beneath me even now. Then I'm walking into the kitchen and Laurie is there and I'm sad and asking her never to leave, never ever, please stick around you're the only safe person left. I remember she said she would.
Wreckage and Laurie talked a lot then, as I sat on the floor in the corner, feeling about seven years old. They were discussing their roles as protectors and retributors, saying that this could not go on any longer, at any cost. Mostly they were baffled, furious, and deeply shaken that there had been "no alarms" for that, it was because the numb state had said "everything is okay" in the way a drowning man says it when he already knows he's going to die. Laurie was really heartbroken but so was Wreckage, they were both in tears at one point.
I know later the Victorian-pink girl wandered in, just sat there across from me, didn't say much. I was trying to cook things but realized I wasn't hungry, I was caught between wanting to "bury the sick pain" and "eat something good to cancel it out"; I felt like throwing up but was too tired and sad and sick. Spice showed up when she realized there was a risk, so she joined the discussion. Then we got Emmett and Aimee in to finally eat, keeping things safe, and Spice was very friendly with them which was great (also you can always tell when Emmett is eating because he thinks the body has a big snakey head like his, but it doesn't, so watching him bite stuff is always funny). Then Javier was actually in at the end to talk to us, which started off uneasily-- I think there were some ED-related programs running and he showed up to stop them, but when he heard there had been a hack, he immediately got out his trident and asked who was the culprit. I remember that because Laurie said "no killing anyone," not even the lethal people, because of how Julie had turned out. Laurie considers Julie one of her best friends at this point, so if she of all people could turn from our biggest nemesis into one of our dearest members, Laurie didn't want to steal that chance of redemption away from anyone else. Javier seemed a little moody but agreed, while Wreckage seemed contemplative again. She's got a surprising capacity for empathy (like Knife), so that's part of it, but then she said Laurie was right-- because everyone deserved a chance at health and happiness, which were the two things all the chthonic voices dreamed of and pursued, yet who were born from the exact opposite of it. So she understood in a rather personal way, why everyone should have that opportunity IF they don't abuse it. She is not going to back down from her retributor job anytime soon, thank God, because most of the others did thanks to how brutally externalized it got (with the bloodletting) and the painful consequences of that (Algorith said flat-out it was unfair as hell that the Retributors had to take the pain that was meant to atone for what someone else did). And of course no one knows what to do with Infi, who is this half-holy half-horrible entity in the System, someone we all love and fear both, the center of this struggle right along with me. So it's confusing and scary and we all feel rather lost about it most days. But I think we're all back in the game now. It's a real light of hope for all of us.
Really it was so nice, though, when all was said and done, that a tragic incident at least allowed such discussion to take place. It took about two hours and thanks to massive dissociation I didn't have much fallout, but it'll likely leave scars. I don't know. It's a mess.
...Also, just remembered, Infi and I actually touched on that whole "dissociate when hacks threaten" thing back in October. "Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men." That's even more heartbreaking now than it was then.

Speaking of that mess.
Much earlier today, I saw Amara talking to CZ upstairs. It came out of nowhere, I have no idea why, but there he was. Weirdly I couldn't "see" him clearly at all, and it didn't hit me until then that that's become normal for him. Other than those sudden lucid flashes late at night, I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever was able to see him clearly on a daily basis. I'm not sure if I ever have. And... how do I put this. Apparently that runs deeper than we thought, but just as deeply as I worriedly suspected. Because, Amara was talking to him and then realized she couldn't give the sort of help she felt he needed (which was specifically "more force" in delivering her points, something Laurie is the king of), so she asked the Archivists if they could assist her. Well lo and behold, Isadora actually stepped down, and started talking to him, again I don't remember about what... but then her two friends joined her. So now Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha were all trying to talk to CZ, checking notes and writing things down the whole time, trying to get a group on the situation... and suddenly they confirmed my suspicious.
Chaos is split. All the Outspacers are split.
Do you remember this entry, where Markus first clarified to us that Outspacers had non-System origins BUT were able to enter our community through making a choice to "start again?" To quote, "they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all." Originally I thought that just meant they "dreamed of a new life" and were able to live it here... but I was so used to my own situation that I didn't realize that "new lives" seems to require "new selves" as well.
Things don't follow old "canons" up here because those don't apply at all anymore. They NEVER DID. Geez, when these people entered our inner world in 2002 Jewel had almost no awareness of their native worlds, allowing them to literally build an entirely new history and life from that blank slate of her mind. They weren't SUPPOSED to be tied to their old canons, that was the WHOLE POINT.
Nevertheless, every single one of them already had the beginnings of that personality-split before they joined us up here.
Ryman and Markus both had "Yamis" that acted independently of them, and Markus's was canonically part of him already.
Genesis had a notable "personality break" with his shattered gem, effectively 'restarting' who he was.
Celebi had the whole 4th-movie corruption event, and then the 'many timeline selves' that followed.
Mr. Sandman is a reality-jumper and living multiple lives is part of his job.
Xennie is the only exception because she was born in headspace and therefore doesn't quite count as an 'outspacer' in the strict sense.
Either way this is mostly conjecture and it's hard to put into words but I can feel legitimacy to it, it makes SO much sense, I mean even Grievous and Davy had this same freaking issue of "divided selves," in small or large ways, EVERY single person who ever even had the potential to become an Outspacer had this. We all have our own 'split personality' issues, if you'll forgive the language, no surprise there.
So as it stands, it looks like that's the "real" hidden factor allowing people to enter here-- to reiterate, yes they need the ability to "dream a new life," but in order to do THAT, they need to also be able to "dream a new SELF" to an extent.
As for how that affects CZ? Well, most obviously-- you guys know about Perfect, right? But do you realize what his existence implies? And do remember what Perfect used to be like upstairs? I know I didn't until I was forced to backtrack this morning and then it was downright shocking. Ironic, too, when the long-string symbolism and relevance hits. I really do need to type up an entire entry about that ONCE I get a better grip on this... all I can tell you for sure right now is that there is massive dissonance between CZ's two 'selves,' on all levels, that needs to somehow be harmonized.
I think CZ started to "split" but never really reconciled it, if that makes any sense. He's still, simultaneously, the headspace-rooted him and the StH-rooted him, the former being far more volatile and the latter being far more tranquil. Perfect is tied inherently to the former. However they're both entirely him, and they're both at war. This all sounds like a jumble of words and I apologize; I just keep thinking of that Kim Jensen song and the old Jewel keeps trying to talk through me, but she's nothing but a lingering core-aura now and I don't want to be talking like her just because I feel "obligated to" on this topic. Then again I personally don't have much experience with it. So it feels like a mess, which I'm sorry for, but which is fitting because this topic is a mess right now.
Anyway, I cannot say much else for sure at the moment (battery is dying anyway).
...However. The other night, CZ actually told me that he's "been a stormy sea" for far too long, and that "wasn't the real him." For as long as I've known him, I've known that his deepest energy is actually peaceful and calm, not the raging sort of tidal-wave vibe that he's been emitting for quite some time now. He's apparently been struggling with that himself. It's just that no one could figure out why, or even guess, until now. I suppose that has to do with us losing most access to the past-- stuff doesn't get in the accessible archives unless a core puts it there, and I haven't looked at that stuff in years. I'm going to have to do that now, I suppose, as much as I feel I need to.
So it seems that CZ's real issue in not being able to find stability lately isn't just that he never "dreamed a new self" separate from his root canon, someone that could exist as part of headspace... it's also because he can't get his two inner "selves" to cooperate whatsoever, and there is an actual mental break between them. There has been for at least SIX YEARS and we completely took it for granted after so long.
I don't know. I'm thinking out loud. Forgive the dramatic mess of that paragraph, it's dipping into ancient pre-Spectrum mindstates and I'm going to need to look at all this again later when I'm not rushed for time and content.
My heart is notably breaking though. I... I haven't been feeling any ties to him in a while because of this? Not since December, before that horrible event that forced us all to 'reset' on some level. I wonder how that affected him. I never asked. But right now, I'm getting the same thing I did during that Xanga-- all those old memories of love, even the ones that are just vibes or feelings or awarenesses, and they are all so intimately real and honest and bright. Like light shining through a suncatcher and tossing bright colors all about the room, except you can't touch them, they're just coloring every bit of you. That's what it feels like. But that conversation holds more relevance to this than I realized and I really, really need to review all of this...
...They say that if you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have let him go. Looking back, I can see it. I have turned him away, I have thrown him out, I have denied him to his face. And he's done the same to me, many times. We've even stepped into the positive and effectively said, "hey, no hard feelings, but I think we're done." We've gone our separate ways far too many times. But that old injoke still applies. No one is getting a divorce here, in any sense. We don't think that's possible, even if we wanted one, and a few times we did consider it, with terrible sadness, through all the crushing pain. But it never took hold. Something, something we can't understand at all, always held us together, even when we didn't want it to. And that seems to be the point, doesn't it? When you get down deep enough, when you let go of all the suffering and rage and agony and 'Perfect ' shadows, for both of us... when there's nothing left but pure color, we tend to stick together.
I don't know. It feels utterly strange right now. There are too many blocks for me to see clearly. But I'll fix that too. I promise I will.

 

Also geez all this entry backtracking is hitting me in the face with sudden ancient relevance (things are just jumping out of the woodwork that didn't even have such relevance util now, good heavens) and I need to write all this down but there is no time tonight. Remind me.

On a different, brighter note... on Wednesday night I suddenly got all this insight about the System (which broke through my "headspace-fog" for the first solid time since last Sunday really), and ended up kneeling on the rug and scribbling notes onto paper for two hours or so. I tried to graph out the vertical structure of headspace-- which our therapist had some brilliant insight on-- and also was checking the Spectrum lineup for stability and slot status: who's slipping, who has an unstable color, whose roles have changed, etc. It was very helpful actually, and I won't type all that up here because 1) it's late and 2) I want to scan that in first so you have a visual! It NEEDS to be talked about, especially because we haven't even attempted to graph the "Spectrum flowchart" since last spring, BEFORE the Undergrounders appeared, and we thought Teal and Pink were "mutant slots." Yes, it's only been a year since then, my mind was boggled too. But it really made me smile, widely and genuinely, to see that, as it was basically a concrete display of just how much we've grown since this time last year. Honestly the progress has been absolutely incredible... which is why I am hoping, so much, that we can figure something out to heal Infinitii before hir first "birthday" in the System in two weeks. I love hir, I really do, and it hurts my heart to see hir in this state, all weird and vague and flatline-feeling, when I remember so clearly what ze feels like on hir beautifully good days.
But the Spectrum is like Dust. It's alive, it knows us, and it loves us, and everything will work out exactly when it needs to... no sooner, and no later, just like Laurie said.
I've got a whole audio file entry on that, which I'll type up tomorrow. You guys have gotta hear this, it's super cool.

Also, in light of those papers, we've been talking symbols lately, especially around Central. Those of you who know me and Jewel might know that Jewel is in charge of a ton of "series," or rather, stories about other worlds she dreams about, collectively called the "Lightraye League." There's a ton of color and meaning and symbolism in them, but it tends to differ and shift from one to another, so those stories often require an organizational visual element and that's where I come in! I have this amusing fondness for organizing things visually, and it's the easiest to do with symbols, so that's my job. Series identification symbols? We have 13. LG*Girl morph marks? Got 24 so far. Dream World elements? All 34 are done! You get the idea.
But that's the point: our System never had anything like that, and we're wondering if that would work for us. Symbols are, when they're tied to people, highly personal and just as powerful as names are. When tied to things like energy colors, it gives that 'abstract concept' a sort of nominative solidity, and makes it into something individually deserving of respect and recognition. Again, considering how our inner world is basically alive, we feel that the magic sort of caring that goes into 'finding' symbols would be merited, for energy colors at least, if not also our members. I mean the phenomenon actually started way back in 2002, with Jewel and the original Outspacers-- her symbol was a heart, Ryman's was a star, Markus's was an octagram, Chaos's was a Saturn-shaped planet, and Genesis's was a four-pointed star. They also all had their own personal colors (respectively red, blue, violet, cyan, and amber, originally), which I daresay you can understand the obvious significance of! But actually, that whole color/symbol phenomenon was intrinsically tied to the phenomenon of soul forms, element abilities, etc. It was like saying, "here's a piece of magic to represent you... now you can represent part of the magic in turn."
There are similar small but 'identifying' symbols actually developing in Central, as we all have our own colors already-- Spine has a skull, Lynne has a violin, Josephina has a jingle bell, Nathaniel has a moth, Waldorf has a ring, Leon has a pair of scales, Laurie has an axe, Julie has a flower, Infinitii has an eye (we think?) and I'm partial to lotuses, but that feels too broad for 'just me.' Javier is new so he hasn't found anything yet, but you get the picture. However as I said, they're mostly more for identification than for representation, as there is distinction there, and no one but Central has any. We're wondering, should that change?
If nothing else, it would greatly expand the depth and personability of our System, if that makes sense? It's hard to put that feeling into words. It's more expansive, more mythical almost, like now it's not just a story, it's a World. It now has some element of recognized connection in it, to all other similar things. Again, words aren't working. But, in short, it might give us that little needed 'push' in order to be part of the League. Yes it's important! You probably don't quite get why as you don't have our experience with it and that's understandable. But... again, it's an energetic thing. The League feels like a web, like a graph, like a stained-glass mandala, like a great interconnected sparkling thing. There's this feeling of love and unity between every jewel-like world in it, linking them all together, even if they don't realize it. And those symbols are representations of that connection, of the similar elements that don't bleed over so much as they shine through and within. Colors, music, magic, people... all of them linked together in both big and little ways. It's so much like us, in a different way... we're so much like it, in a different way. So we want to be part of it. We want to be a piece of that greater whole, after having felt so separate from it for so long, after having briefly touched it in tiny raindrop ways over and over through the years, even though our deepest roots transcend even the trauma and bloom straight from the gemstone heart of it. We want to settle into that cosmic pattern and stay there, embraced by the great bright love of it, of everyone else, once and for all. We want a happy ending, for all of us, and we will get it.

Lastly, relatedly, and to be continued... in reviewing the Spectrum lineup, I realized that yes, I can still sense people and their conditions when I am tuned in, and it's surprisingly effortless in that context. So in checking the colors I did see that some people are having trouble, some people have moved, some people are in transition phases... all stuff we've either overlooked, missed, or taken for granted. Either way none of it has really been discussed here! So that's for next time too.
But, best of all, that inward/outward reaching sparked something honest and admiring in me and I realized that everyone in the System has their own personal energy vibe. Not the simple slot-related "checkup" resonance, I mean their own individual radiance, six senses worth. Way back when I started trying to write those impressions down, but it's been so long since, that I wondered if I could still get it?
I CAN. It is AWESOME and it is so much clearer than ever, really the joy of being able to feel these people in such a brilliantly clear and real way is just... it's incredible. It surpasses the awful "third person" feeling that inner lives can get at times, overpowered by the inescapable and constant sensory input of physical reality. I can sadly overlook my inner life because of that, and see it as something less real, less strong. But then, when I tune in, suddenly all these beloved individuals aren't just faces and names and colors "in my head," they are tangible beautiful people and their visible absence in physical reality has absolutely no effect on that fact. It turns the world upside down in the most wonderful way; suddenly the universe is twice as big and it's gorgeous, I can't help smiling, even if I'm dizzy from the sudden massive shift in depth!
So yes, long story short, I have a new energy-perception file and I am putting honestly sincere care, respect and attention into perceiving every single System member's personal aura. It demands compassion and trust and closeness from me, first of all, and also from those I'm tuning into. So some people are almost unidentifiable yet, some people only have half the channels open, and some people are instantly and powerfully cognizable. It's really forcing me to open my heart entirely, at the very least, as well as demanding that I not 'play favorites' as I used to, and acknowledge everyone's inherent, equal worth. Everyone in here is amazing, we all exist for an important reason, and we all deserve to have our worth honored. This is tangible proof of that.

Good Lord this is 16 pages in Microsoft Word. I'd better wrap things up.
Battery is dying again, so see you later.

 

 

 

 

Notes for today.

- genesis showed up while i was walking to the greek festival today, which was a surprise; immediately we began joking around with each other, it was brilliant. he immediately ate half of what i bought, haha. we visited the mall for a few minutes too (we love chilling out there), he actually had me laughing out loud. he came to church with me too, said he missed xenophon being there, i said i did too. that worries me; i'm not sure where she is? i hope she's with chaos, i'll have to ask him. in other news when i got home i gave kyanos some baklava and he thought it was the most delicious thing in the universe, it was adorable.
- i was wearing infinitii's bubble too, he co-fronted with me on the drive home as he said "the body is too confusing" for him to work (i remember feeling him being really baffled over having feet especially). i put the windows down and suddenly we got this huge wave of scent from the mountain laurel, he paused and looked so inspired, i smiled and asked what he thought. he said he'd never experienced anything like that before, it was amazing. so i helped him manifest some mountain laurel in headspace, he was thrilled.
- we think mutant slots are "gateways" to other levels: teal to downstairs, brown to underground? the three in each are also related somehow. the teals are all childlike somehow, i don't know about the browns though. we're wondering if jeremiah is mauve instead of mulberry, no way to tell yet. the brown slot itself is technically empty too; jezebel is just "hijacking" it because infinitii claims she is STILL in the black slot, as she's a direct tar splinter (i.e. she IS the tar in a body).
- infinitii says he and i are partly "manifestations" of b/w energy, whereas headvoices choose to be "avatars" for the color energy levels when they fully anchor? again he explained how we both work with creative energy, and he had a good analogy for it: something like black being the material to build something, but white being the instructions for construction? you NEED both in tandem to create stuff upstairs, even if you only focus on one. THIS IS WHY WE WERE LOCKED OUT: CENTRAL CANNOT STAY IN EXISTENCE IF WE AREN'T LINKED TO IT. the white energy gives it structure/ form/ etc., but the black energy gives it substance (the ability TO be built). without either of us, central won't just decay, it will eventually CEASE TO EXIST AT ALL. that's scary. i have no idea who is behind this but that is NOT cool.
- i don't think i mentioned this yet but the headvoices still locked in central are having really disturbing side effects from it? i know for sure that lynne got incredibly thin, waldorf is practically catatonic, and leon is blind. josephina, nathaniel, and julie all have psychological troubles of some sort from this but i couldn't tell you what. needless to say I NEED to get back up there and heal this, it breaks my heart to know this happened.
- note to self: go back and see if there are any logs for how headspace reacted when infinitii was missing (especially when he DIED temporarily, because he DID), and/or when you didn't go upstairs for extended periods of time. those latter events might not have been big enough but still, check.
- infinitii referenced METAINOMENAI??? what if this is all happening because, again, we need to deal with "death" on some level? honestly i have been genuinely getting that feeling for a WHILE now, i just never expected something like this. so keep an eye out.
- later on infinitii and i were talking in lower headspace (the unformed white level) when i sensed emmett upstairs and called out to him, but infinitii said he couldn't find us on that level. we then moved to the "center" of the city, where there was actually a very high tunnel leading up to some sort of opening in the ground there? we were looking up and i could see light far away. then infi actually caused a sort of "cascading sinkhole" from it, beginning in the middle of Central City. the sides move down almost like a amphitheatre, but more 'broken up' and not structured. emmett found his way to the edge, we waved up, then infi warped us both to the edge. emmett began showing signs of recovery within a few minutes of being around us, so that's good.
- with that in mind, i think mutants aren't locked to central, as they technically aren't part of the central spectrum? emmett said there are "small secret passages" to get out of Central, but he claimed only "tiny people" can get through them. to clarify: the Central building is actually LOCKED by default to outsiders; you can only enter/exit if you have the rights to. so that freedom to move is what's being blocked here; the headvoices lost their ability to leave (EXCEPT LAURIE?? but then again she has special rights remember), whereas infi and i have somehow "lost" our rights to enter maybe?? look into it.
- kyanos is alive and healing well. he's in lower headspace too. also he is trying to befriend jeremiah. kyanos was telling him that his past incarnations are like "another life" to him now, just a memory-- but he's glad he lived through them, as now he understands his role better? claims it is "hope," or the "promise of a new day," so to speak. like blue sky through storm clouds. one line he said that i recall was that his coming back to life after his past incarnation was like "waking up from a bad dream." he was telling jeremiah that he could do that too if he wanted, even if it wasn't literal. i don't recall that conversation exactly as it was being "projected" into my head during church and it hurt to concentrate on it.
- laurie found her way back downstairs. she's shaking and claims she's very weak, no strength to fight; said she "burned out" the last of her reserves warping back to us from melody's headspace. she was also on the verge of tears and said she was terrified. she told me we might be able to "break in" to the central building, but to wait until tomorrow to even try, because whoever is behind this is not going to let us in easily, and she is not strong enough to help me fight in her current condition.
- central city is deteriorating too. it looks post-apocalyptic. everything is gray and cracked, there are no trees, the sky is overcast. it's actually scary.
- i haven't seen minty since the night before the lockout; i STILL have this weird nagging suspicion that she and kyanos were being "used" somehow to make this lockout happen, due to the whole "wish" thing that happened as she was wandering the city that night. write about that ASAP.
- i need to draw central city sometime soon. today i learned that: the skyscrapers in the city are not actual buildings?? some are big crystals, and some are spires, but the building-esque ones are huge hollow energy cores? like if you opened one, it would just be white light inside, but it still has "windows" for the light to shine through at night. also the reason why they always seemed to "sink into the ground" further into the city (giving a sci-fi impression of depth like this) is because it really DID go "downstairs" at the very center?? the huge sinkhole infi and i made today only expanded it massively. btw central city was directly inspired by coruscant, notably this scene, as I was awestruck by how deep the city looked to me when i first saw it. of course now i added trees everywhere (inspired, oddly, by early screencaps from sonic unleashed) and the streets look like what i remember (in an idealistic childhood sense) of new york city. (speaking of su i should totally put a spagonia mirror in headspace somewhere). oh yes and the beach to the right of the central building (when you look out the main windows at least) always reminds me of rio de janeiro somewhat? i've never seen the central city from above and i really should try sometime.
- THE BEAR FROM THIS DREAM MIGHT BE RELEVANT. i mentioned it to laurie and she said to look into it; after all she first formed within a dream too, and the one the bear appeared in was one hell of an important one even on its own. plus, with minty's alleged connection to teddy bears in general now, the dream bear might actually gain enough anchor energy to become a headvoice in the future, maybe moving into the brown or blood slot if that becomes an option.
- i forgot to mention before; the autopilot has an upstairs body now? its an android, which works well. its consciousness seems to have "stabilized" enough for this to happen, and it now has a sort of inner personality, rather than being just a jumbled bunch of pre-programmed reactions, although it is still strikingly robotic (and will likely forever be that way). it still refuses a name and color for that same reason too; it claims its role is simply to be the autopilot and nothing more, it does not want to be treated as an "individual." nevertheless it is a perfect fronter and jewel seems to like it a lot.
- i need to research the phenomenon of "fractures," i.e. when one individual has several different "sides" that are all separate individuals (proven through testing). i have at LEAST three that have not splintered off, which is bizarre. jewel has at least one, maybe two? i might have to do more research on mpd/did for this as this is closer to the actual "alter" phenomenon than anything else in headspace, go figure.
- boss showed up today, thank god, i was worried about him. however i was worried and asked him how he could work with us in headspace if he was from the rosewindow universe? people from leagueworlds usually don't cross over. but he just smiled and reminded me that he of all people was one of the most likely people to do so-- he DID have a dream self to use to be with us, after all! when i realized this i grinned with total joy, i almost forgot markus told us about that. so that's a concern off my back now; i kept worrying i was taking him away from his native world!
- lastly, about two hours ago i found chaos 0 and spent at least 30 minutes with him trying to figure out how to break or remove this weird emotional blockage in my chest. turns out all i needed was some direct heart energy and focus, because as soon as he started emphasizing that i swear i shattered (first time in a LONG time). so the block in my chest is gone for now, hopefully it will stay that way. all i know is that right now, i am listening to the gorgeous sigma harmonics ost and looking at these equally gorgeous sth screenshots and i am so in love with chaos 0 i could cry. i'm so perfectly happy at the moment, entirely at peace, and i cannot remember the last time i felt like this but paradoxically it seems like only yesterday regardless. this is a good thing.

Now I need to sleep. See you guys soon enough.