the spectrum heart cathedral system

DIALOGUE WITH "ED", PART TWO

Revisit the conversation with "ED," but use your "recovery voice" to respond.

★ TOO MUCH OF "INTELLECTUALIZATION" DENIAL HERE!!!

ED:
I can't stop. I've tried. I just make so many stupid scary mistakes with the food; I get SO FRIGHTENED of what it will do to my body so I HAVE to throw it up. Feeling that MISTAKE, that SIN, that WRONGNESS in my stomach is UNBEARABLE and I CAN'T LIVE with that existential terror. I HAVE TO GET IT OUT.
YOU:
The more we learn proper nutrition & healthy coping skills, the LESS "mistakes" we will make. Following our hospital mealplan will ALSO help, since we won't be "guessing" and feeling thus INCAPABLE of right decision! Food isn't "evil" or a "sin"-- feeling it is NOT a condemnation, or a set of shackles. Think of what "foods" ARE-- LIFE!!

ED:
I don't want to eat. It feels invasive, all that swallowing, all that touching in the mouth. It's WRONG. I don't want to put anything in me. I want to be empty & pure & CLEAN. Eating things destroys them and makes me abusive. I want to be HOLY & UNTOUCHED.
YOU:
Dude, JESUS ATE! So eating, in and of ITSELF, is OBJECTIVELY FINE. They even ate in pure Eden-- AND Heaven is a "feast"!! I know you want to feel empty ALWAYS because of trauma, but then you can't be "full" of LIGHT & LOVE & GRACE, either. Don't be a void. Eating is NOT abusive-- it's TRANSMUTATION & PERPETUATION of LIFE!! Holiness IS VULNERABLE!!

ED:
When I drop food, it becomes DIRT. It BELONGS ON THE PLATE and if I RUIN that harmony it CHANGES INTO FILTH. I can't stand it. I get food on myself like a WHORE, filthy & wrong. I don't want to eat because it's SO DIRTY. I'm worse than a baby. I'm such a pig.
YOU:
When apples fall off the tree onto the ground, do they "become dirt?" No-- even YOU pick 'em up & check 'em out! And even if they are buggy, they're STILL FEEDING ANOTHER LIFE FORM. Besides, FLOWERS GROW FROM DIRT! And PLATES DON'T EXIST IN NATURE. It's okay. Babies aren't evil. Pigs aren't either, actually. A "mess" ISN'T "sinful," it's just something that happens. Your MOTIVES are vital!!

ED:
Sometimes I get so hungry I HAVE to eat or the body won't work right. I feel so helpless. I CAN'T STOP once I start. I buy foods I "must eat" and choke them down, terrified. It makes me sick. I feel like I'm trying to please or appease or obey someone, like I'll be rejected if I don't "prove I CAN eat everything."
YOU:
The body DOES need to eat to survive. That's the POINT of hunger; you're not sinning by listening to that signal; it's DESIGN. The reason why you "can't stop" is because you're STARVING. But NO FOODS ARE "OBLIGATORY" ON PAIN OF PUNISHMENT!! Eat to please GOD, NOT PEOPLE. And He NEVER forces or compels you to choke ANYTHING down. Rest in His peace!!

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COPING WITH COMMENTS

You may be faced with comments from individuals about sensitive topics relating to the eating disorder.
List possible comments, your immediate response, and a more helpful response you can use in recovery.


COMMENT:
"Your figure is filling out so nicely"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
I WANT TO DIE INSTANTLY. may black out and attempt to do so.
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
Be honest? "I'm not comfortable with that!" "I don't know what you mean by that; can you explain?" "What do you mean, 'figure'?" DO NOT just say "thanks" if you DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM!!!

COMMENT:
(physically stopping me from eating) "That's enough."
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Out of control. undeserving of ANY food; want to throw up/ destroy ALL food; angry, violent, sobbing
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
Meekly accept this. Apologize for slipping into near-behaviors. THANK them for caring enough to intervene; I was probably dissociated &/or unaware of PROPER portions!

COMMENT:
"Now make sure you don't throw it up!"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Humiliated, shame; "why even try"; feel damned to forever be seen AS my past failures & struggles
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
"I will do my very best, but please have faith in me too. It hurts when I feel like I'm being expected to relapse." ENFORCE SMO with THEIR HELP; PROVE you're trying!!

COMMENT:
ANYTHING about "looking like a woman/ female/ etc." and/or "attractiveness"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
RAGE & DESPONDENCY; self-loathing. TRAPPED; want to reject & deny that cursed reality. Likely FREEZE or FIGHT; shutdown or EXPLODE
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
IF SAFE, mention gender issues? OR just say something like "I'm not comfortable/ don't feel safe with that language"?? Call them out and ask "does that matter??" "THAT'S NOT THE POINT?" 

COMMENT:
"You've put on so much weight!" "You're so much BIGGER now!"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
FEAR; I STILL REALLY WANT TO BE SMALL? / "Yeah, and I'm MISERABLE about it" / Probably get angry & WEEP/ RAGE; helpless
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
"I know! I'm gonna be a TANK!" but seriously, maybe ask for reassurance? "IS that a good thing?" ADMIT that I'm scared? "I'm struggling with the changes"?

COMMENT:
"I'm glad THAT'S over with." "Took you long enough."
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Humiliated, AND anxious-- "cannot show ANY symptoms or struggles"; "FAILED at recovery"
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
Explain that IT'S AN ADDICTION; I will need to fight to "stay clean" FOR LIFE; it will ALWAYS be an echo. Recovery is a PROCESS, too! It's NEVER "DONE!" 

COMMENT:
"Now are you going to eat like a NORMAL person?"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Defensive; "what if I CAN'T?" or "what is normal?" / Might "go through the motions" then immediately purge in an act of rebellion; I don't WANT to be "like everybody"??
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
Tell them that I'm UNSURE WHAT THAT MEANS and if they want me to "be normal" they MUST TELL ME HOW. Still maintain recovery plan; emphasize that? But COOPERATE meekly!!

COMMENT:
(when buying food) "Are you going to eat that or waste it?"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Think, "THEY'RE THE SAME DAMN THING"; SAY SO. Refuse to buy any food at all. / Start crying; "I WANT to eat it"; still purge from self-hatred
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
ADMIT struggle? "I know I HAVE to eat it, but honestly I don't want to. What do you think I should do?" Maybe ask also, "What would be wasting it?" before you admit that you don't want to eat anyway. Don't get defensive!!


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LIST OF POSITIVES

List some positive qualities and aspects you can recognize & admit in yourself.
If possible, ask some individuals that you trust to list some good qualities they see in you.

+ Hope in God/ strong faith/ prayer
+ Intelligent, insightful, self-aware, perceptive? (So I've been told)
+ Creative, artistic, imaginative, inspiring
+ Loving, caring, considerate, cooperative
+ Well-spoken, articulate, good speaking & singing voice
+ Flexible, adaptable, tenacious, motivated
+ Courageous, dedicated, compassionate, sincere

GENESIS:
"You're my best friend; you taught me everything I know! You've never forgotten me, just like you promised. Without you, I'd be lost."

LAURIE:
"Kid, you are literally my reason to live. What I see in you is worth protecting. Your heart is gold. You can see the light in everything. Don't you ever give up. I'm here with you."

INFINITII:
"...You don't have it in you to hate. You always offer that second chance. I exist because you want to love things back to life. Do this shadow work with compassion. Live."

CHAOS 0:
"You love me. You are the rainbow after every storm. You are unquenchable joy; the fire of your soul will burn with love forever. I know this because I know YOU-- the TRUE you, no matter what the body you're in looks like. I love you. Forever."


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TRIGGERS

Make a list of things you consider to be triggers for your eating disorder behaviors.
Then, create a coping plan to adaptively handle the triggers.

★ BINGES ARE ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY PURGING


TRIGGER: EATING IN PUBLIC (BEING WATCHED)
WHY: Fear of "performance"; boosts "clean" obsession & anxious shame; eating to "impress" or "be approved"; analogous to sexual voyeurism
BEHAVIOR: Restriction, bingeing
COPING PLANS:
+ PEOPLE WATCH. TALK TO GENESIS. BRING A NOTEBOOK. SIT BY YOURSELF.
+ See people with love!! Don't be afraid! When you eat, DO IT TO PLEASE GOD, & don't worry about how others may react or judge. Love them! But respect your alone time, too!

TRIGGER: TALKING WHILE EATING (DIRECT ADDRESS)
WHY: "Social mode" trigger; VAPID CHATTERBOX. Loss of genuine self; "entertain/ appease"
BEHAVIOR: Bingeing, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ WAVE IT OFF OR HOLD UP A HAND/ FINGER. Be assertive!
★ TELL PEOPLE BEFOREHAND that you're NOT a talker!!
+ GROUNDING/ MINDFULNESS EXERCISES. Stay present!
+ Speak wisely & kindly, speak little, and DON'T "talk just to talk"!!

TRIGGER: "FEMININE" FIGURE (CURVES) ("BELLY")
WHY: "Look like abusers" = UNENDING FLASHBACKS; "BECOME" THE TRAUMA
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ SYSTEM HELP! Remember the BODY DOESN'T DEFINE YOU OR US!!
+ EXERCISE!! Do crunches & planks! Focus on abdominal training!
+ Look up POSITIVE/ HOLY role models who HAVE "curvier" bodies!
+ RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. It's genetics. WORK WITH IT; DON'T REJECT.

TRIGGER: "GETTING BIG/ HEAVY"; FEELING WEIGHT IN/ ON ABDOMEN
WHY: "Violation" feeling; heavy things on top of me; "pinned"; explicit trauma echoes
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ Distract if it's real bad. Stretch? PRAY & BE MEEKLY PATIENT.
+ WEIGHT TRAINING. Put that "bigness" to good use! TANK UP!!
+ Think of INFI?? Realize what the "weight" IS-- plants & water & muscle to help you grow, and fat STORING VITAMINS & ENERGY for you!

TRIGGER: TRAUMA ECHOES: WORDS, CONTEXTS, SOUNDS (ESP. MUSIC)
WHY: "Perpetuation" of trauma; "no escape" = "WORLD is a threat" = unable to feel safe around ANYONE
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ PAUSE. CALM DOWN. THAT TRAUMA IS OVER and it CANNOT TOUCH YOU NOW. Take that power AWAY from it!! Ground & pray & get System support.
+ If you can, LEAVE THE AREA if risks continue. Do NOT "push through it"!!
+ ACTIVELY FORGIVE the current (and original) "perpetrators." ONLY LOVE & MERCY CONQUERS ALL.

TRIGGER: BEING DIRTY (FOOD ON HANDS/ FACE) (CRUMBS, SPILLS, ETC.)
WHY: NO LONGER "UNTOUCHED"; "Dehumanizing"; animal, disgusting, UNCLEAN, IMPURE
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ Bring sanitizer with you?
+ REMEMBER MARK 7:18-19 & 5-6!! Don't panic!
+ NAPKINS: on table AND lap. Grab extra always. Carry tissues with you?
+ TAKE YOUR TIME AND STAY CONSCIOUS. Dissociating & rushing BOTH cause messes. EAT MINDFULLY & GRATEFULLY. Be HUMBLE! Lighten up too!

TRIGGER: FACED WITH "TOO MANY CHOICES" THAT ARE SCARY &/OR UNKNOWN; POTENTIAL FOR "CHALLENGE"
WHY: OBSESSIVE & FRANTIC FORCED "EXPOSURE" -- "ALL AT ONCE TO GET IT OVER WITH FOREVER"
BEHAVIOR: Bingeing, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ Start with one you THINK YOU'LL ACTUALLY EAT AGAIN/ LIKE!! DON'T "FORCE" STUFF JUST TO "GET EXPOSURE OVER WITH FOREVER." Choose a challenge ONLY if it feels RIGHT to do so; NO FEAR FORCING!
+ Learn to LOVE THE LIBERATING UNKNOWN. YOU DO NOT "have to know everything"! Ask the Holy Spirit to lead you to what's for you-- and LEAVE the rest!!

TRIGGER: "MAKING A MISTAKE" WHILE EATING-- TOO MUCH, WRONG NUMBER, UNCLEAR DATA, "POISON," NEGATIVE EMOTION "SWALLOWING"
WHY: "WRONG"; the whole act is a FAILURE; "MUST RESET & RESTART"
BEHAVIOR: Bingeing, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ WRITE DOWN YOUR "RULES" & CHALLENGE 'EM FOR INTEGRITY. If they DON'T affect your health or soul, and/or if they're compulsive, JUNK 'EM!! Real health & goodness is NOT DOING BEHAVIORS!!
+ Eat in a calm, lovely environment, inside & out, to assuage anxieties.

TRIGGER: DESPAIR OVER BODY & TRAUMA; "NO HOPE FOR HEALING"; GIVE IN TO SELF-LOATHING & DESIRE TO ERASE SELF
WHY: "If I'm going to look/ feel like this AND be this haunted by trauma feelings forever, then I should just stop trying and DIE"
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, bingeing, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ NOTHING IS SET IN STONE!!! ALL CHANGES!! Take a few minutes to PUT PENNIES IN THE HOPE BANK. Life some weights & step some steps! Flex your growing muscles and PROMISE YOU WON'T STARVE THEM! Look at the beauty of GOD'S CREATION-- of FOOD-- and PROMISE TO BE A GOOD STEWARD OF IT!! Read Scripture & remember that GOD GIVES YOU NEW LIFE!!!


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PERFECTION

(open your heart, it's gonna be all right)

Make a list of the perfectionistic expectations you have for yourself.
Then, create a coping plan to adaptively challenge your perfectionism.

★ the caveat to ALL my expectations: "if I fail to do so, EVER, then MY EXISTENCE IS A FAILURE"

EXPECTATION:
"I must ALWAYS speak with wisdom, intelligence, clarity, and purpose"
CHALLENGE:
This IS a noble ideal, BUT it CANNOT BE FORCED!! Thinking "I MUST be wise" ACTUALLY PREVENTS WISDOM. Trying so hard to use "perfect & precise" language hinders CANDOR & OPENNESS. True clarity comes from the HEART, not obsession. Intelligence is "relative"-- stay educated, yes, but it DOESN'T make you "more worthy of being heard." Let your SOLE PURPOSE be EDIFICATION BY THE HOLY SPIRIT!

EXPECTATION:
"I must ALWAYS know what to say when asked or expected or encouraged to"
CHALLENGE:
You're not an encyclopedia, search engine, or magic 8 ball. Again, LOOK TO GOD FOR HELP. When you rely on GRACE, you no longer have to try to "prepare for every possibility" because GOD WILL MEET EVERY SITUATION FOR YOU. And, if you DON'T have an answer, ADMIT IT. BE HUMBLE. But ALSO trust that if you SHOULD say something, GOD WILL INSPIRE YOU-- IF YOU ASK TO RECEIVE!

EXPECTATION:
"I must be entertaining, education, inoffensive, and WANTED"
CHALLENGE:
Those things VARY BETWEEN PEOPLE & it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to be ALL that for EVERYONE! Entertainment is NOT a noble motive, so DROP IT. Education should be HUMBLY acted upon-- NEVER see yourself as a "teacher!" You're just a student SHARING what you've learned; you are NOT AN AUTHORITY. Strive to be inoffensive, always speaking with care & kindness, but know that some folks will STILL insist on finding offense. As for being "wanted," seek that ONLY FROM GOD, and both respect and accept human refusal.

EXPECTATION:
"If I have ANY alleged skill at a task/ knowledge of a subject, I CANNOT stumble"
CHALLENGE:
"Stumbling" is HUMAN, INEVITABLE, & INOFFENSIVE! If a kid learning something new "gave up" when they stumbled, they'd NEVER BECOME ADEPT!! Stumbles are opportunities to GET EVEN BETTER, BUT they ALSO KILL PRIDE!!! So they're actually GOOD to have every so often!! Not only that, but you can LEARN from your "stumbles" in CREATIVE WAYS-- think of the new songs invented BY "wrong notes" being hit in BEAUTIFUL ways!! Plus, you're not a machine. Let those little fumbles speak to your human vulnerability, even as you strive to improve. 

EXPECTATION:
"If I fail to perform art/ music/ writing at high, even professional skill, I'm a TOTAL sham/ failure and "never actually learned""
CHALLENGE:
LEARNING IS A LIFELONG PROCESS & SKILLS ARE FOREVER IMPROVING. And we ALL start as TOTAL AMATEURS! It is impossible to pick up an instrument & instantly be "professional" at it. And that's the FUN & BEAUTIFUL part-- LEARNING! Skill improves bit by bit. Performing at a beginner's level is NOT failure-- it's BEGINNING!! Enjoy the process! You AREN'T expected to be "a pro" JUST because you're NOT A CHILD, physically. But then BE CHILDLIKE! Be open to NEW BEGINNINGS & growth!

EXPECTATION:
"I must ALWAYS challenge myself and face my fears; NO "cowardice" or "seeking safety" allowed"
CHALLENGE:
FORCING "COURAGE" ISN'T VIRTUOUS. If you "do something scary" JUST to "prove you CAN survive," there's no MERIT in that! It's FOOLHARDINESS & FEAR masquerading as strength. When you DO face your fears, ADMIT that they're fears, & face them WITH GOD'S STRENGTH!! Also, SAFETY IS NOT "BAD." Seeking it at the expense of moral courage IS. But safety is an IDEAL, and a GOOD thing, ESPECIALLY to GIVE TO OTHERS! Lastly, DO challenge fears, WITH LOVE. DO challenge yourself, to GROW IN VIRTUE. Let THAT be your motive!

EXPECTATION:
"I must ALWAYS be actively working to achieve or accomplish something? "Idle hands are the devils slaves""
CHALLENGE:
REST IS HOLY TOO. THE SABBATH EXISTS FOR THAT REASON! "Achievement" can be QUIET & HIDDEN, too-- patience, prayer, temperance, hope... they are all HUGE victories, even if they aren't "evident" AS the HARD WORK they ARE. So yes, DO work with your hands, but ALSO with your HEART. And THAT is the work you must always do-- the work of SAVING GRACE, of building & supporting the Kingdom of Heaven!!


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CONTROL

Make a list of things you want to control, decide whether they are reasonable/ achievable, and then come up with reasonable alternatives of things that are actually in your control.

★ MOTIVATED BY "HELPLESSNESS" TERROR
★ "ALL OR NOTHING" CORE
★ Ask, "what CAN I control about/ related to that thing?"

I WANT TO CONTROL: BODY SHAPE (non-feminine, non-abusive)
CAN I?: Not safely
ALTERNATIVE: WORK WITH THE BULK. If I CAN'T be thin, I CAN be STRONG!! Instead of being "small enough to run and disappear," I can become "BIG enough to FIGHT & DEFEND"?? Is that morally allowable??

I WANT TO CONTROL: What goes into my body (sexual abuse overlap)
CAN I?: I HOPE SO!!!
ALTERNATIVE: DUDE YOU MUST CONTROL THIS. You must ALWAYS CHOOSE, WISELY AND WITH SELF-RESPECT & INTEGRITY, and ONLY EVER CHOOSING WHAT HONORS GOD. Receive what HE gives you with gratitude. But BE DISCERNING! BE GOOD!!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Whether or not I feel sick after eating
CAN I?: To an extent; not guaranteed
ALTERNATIVE: Take meds if needed; they help what you CAN'T control (genetics, disease)! But DO be prudent with food choices; if something ACTUALLY & CONSISTENTLY causes you distress, DON'T EAT IT! There are plenty of other good foods available!

I WANT TO CONTROL: CLEANLINESS (moral overlap)
CAN I?: To an extent; but dirt ISN'T EVIL
ALTERNATIVE: Clean your apartment regularly, do your dishes immediately, take showers, wash your clothes & bedding, throw out unnecessary things, GO TO CONFESSION, watch your speech, delete junk files, organize stuff... cleanliness ISN'T "only about food!" Crumbs are MINOR!

I WANT TO CONTROL: PURITY (body empty)
CAN I?: NOT LIKE THIS
ALTERNATIVE: "Blessed are the poor IN SPIRIT!" THAT'S where the REAL HOLY "EMPTINESS" IS! Still, we SHOULD fast once a week. And we MUST spiritually be "empty" of ALL the "heavy" things weighing your heart down. Be empty of SIN & PRIDE. But be FULL OF LOVE.

I WANT TO CONTROL: Wild emotions ("starvation sedation")
CAN I?: NO; hunger backfires
ALTERNATIVE: Starving the body will TRIGGER emotional distress BY NATURE. Instead, remember that THOUGHTS CAUSE EMOTIONS, and hunt 'em down!! You CAN control those, and you CAN practice mindfulness to DISEMPOWER anything automatic/ intrusive/ wild!!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Trauma flashbacks
CAN I?: I don't think so
ALTERNATIVE: THERAPY. GROUNDING. COPING SKILLS. POSITIVE FOCUSES. MINDFULNESS & PRAYER. We can DISEMPOWER flashbacks through FORGIVENESS & GRIEVING WHAT WAS LOST & REBUILDING LIFE & JOURNALING THROUGH PAIN. We CAN heal!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Organization/ precision
CAN I?: NOT meticulously
ALTERNATIVE: MIDDLE GROUND. Keep things neat but don't obsess over number & color & such. There is NO "RULE" saying things MUST be in even numbers or triplets or patterns to be "right." You WON'T "screw up" if you're a smidge over/ under a "mathematically precise" measure!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Variables/ unpredictability
CAN I?: Limitedly; NOT sustainable
ALTERNATIVE: Find the beauty in the chaos, wink nudge cough. Honestly surrender to the hidden but REAL pattern of GOD. I can't predict outcomes & odds, and trying to robs the future of its potential joy. Flow with it! Expect the unexpected! Be open & curious & willing to CHANGE!

I WANT TO CONTROL: "Work to be done"; measurable
CAN I?: YES, prudently!
ALTERNATIVE: MAKE LISTS & DAILY SCHEDULES! PRIORITIZE!! Determine what you CAN do today, REALISTICALLY, and break it down into steps. Don't freak out over tomorrow's work! It'll get here soon enough! For now, do what needs to be done NOW, and focus on that. SET SMART GOALS daily!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Time scheduling
CAN I?: To an extent; MUST be FLEXIBLE
ALTERNATIVE: Determine FIXED TIMES & PRIORITIES: church, sleep, meals, prayer. Then determine what FLUID priorities we have: creative work, cleaning, exercise. Lastly, PLAN FOR THE UNPLANNED, like doctors appointments & shopping trips! Adapt AROUND prioritized events!

I WANT TO CONTROL: CAPACITY for harm; "small = harmless"?
CAN I?: NO; besides, small CAN be vicious too
ALTERNATIVE: BECOME A PROTECTOR OF THE SMALL. BECOME STRONG & DEFEND THE VULNERABLE. TRUE harmlessness is INTERNAL; it is a COMPASSIONATE DEDICATION. Size has nothing to do with it. All men are equally capable of harm. BUT it is "reduced" by one's capacity for LOVE.

I WANT TO CONTROL: "Bad" behavior of others
CAN I?: NOPE; FREE WILL
ALTERNATIVE: YOU CANNOT, AND SHOULD NOT EVEN TRY TO, CONTROL OTHERS' BEHAVIOR. Acting in that motive is HARMFUL, merciless & arrogant. You can only TEACH, INSPIRE, HUMBLY CORRECT, & WARN WITH CARE. But the choice is THEIRS. Don't EVER act in proud anger!!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Safety/ security?
CAN I?: Not with food!!!
ALTERNATIVE: "FIND" A SAFE PLACE (CHURCH) & GO THERE if you need physical reassurance! BUT!! Remember that YOU ARE ALWAYS SAFE & SECURE IN GOD'S HANDS, no matter WHAT happens! REST IN THAT. Christ's peace is unbothered by ANY storm!


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SECRETS

The secretness of the eating disorder actually decreases as SELF-RESPECT decreases; feeling helpless or powerless to change, despite one's best efforts, causes DESPAIR and "GIVING UP" the fight to a certain extent; one thinks, tired to the soul, that "this will never end" and figures, "then why try to hide or conceal it? It "rules my life" anyway and I'm so tired of battling it already; why exhaust myself even more by denying that reality?" So, for me at least, NOT trying to hide symptoms anymore meant I had STOPPED RESISTING THEM AS "ABNORMAL" AND DECIDED TO REDEFINE "NORMAL" AS THE DISORDERED BEHAVIOR!!! This meant bingeing WITH people watching, purging and KNOWING people heard; openly spending all my money on obviously abnormal amounts/ ratios of food at abnormally frequent/ regular times (e.g. buying 20 bags of broccoli & a bottle of olive oil EVERY DAY for WEEKS) ...I just gave up resistance and let it "win." THAT is what ultimately almost killed me; it was becoming COMFORTABLE to surrender so lethally.

Still, secretiveness is a RED FLAG for disordered behaviors! Whenever I feel that I NEED to hide something, and I feel FEAR & SHAME about what I want to hide, THAT'S SOMETHING I NEED TO ACTIVELY & IMMEDIATELY REVEAL to someone of integrity!! Remember what Jesus said-- evil SEEKS the shadows TO hide!! But Christians are CHARGED to FIND & UNCOVER those hidden sins, to BRING THEM INTO SIGHT, into LIGHT, where they CAN BE HEALED & FORGIVEN! But you NEED to CONFESS them first, and you CAN'T confess what you're hiding.

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SPIRITUALITY

★ AT THE CORE OF OUR SPIRITUALITY, WE ARE ALWAYS ROMAN CATHOLIC. HONOR THAT FACT.
★ The most immediate & obvious aspect of how our faith is a KEY part of our recovery is THE EUCHARIST!! God Himself BECAME FOOD FOR US IN ORDER TO FEED OUR SOULS & GIVE US ETERNAL LIFE. Heaven ITSELF is compared to a "banquet" & a "WEDDING FEAST"; Jesus's first public miracle was even AT a wedding party! Jesus is called the "Vine," the "Bread of Life," AND the "Passover Lamb." He fed THOUSANDS because He REFUSED TO LET THEM GO HUNGRY! He speaks of how "ALL foods are clean" and CANNOT defile you. He ALSO says "DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU WILL EAT! GOD KNOWS YOU NEED FOOD TO SURVIVE, AND IF YOU TRUST HIM-- NOT YOURSELF-- TO PROVIDE, HE ALWAYS WILL, and you will ALWAYS HAVE WHAT YOU NEED." But ALSO REMEMBER that Jesus emphasizes the GREATER NEED for SPIRITUAL FOOD.

Oddly disturbed today.

Someone got the body's hair cut this morning, but they cut it extremely short, and that has quickly proven to be a terribly bad decision, because now the body's reflection matches the face of one of our internal abusers.
We're now trying to avoid mirrors until we can figure out what to do. Jayce can't even hide in the reflection as he usually does, because the cruel person now linked to its newly-altered visage shoves him out.

 

Jay also seems to have taken too much of a jump in personal progress as of last night-- he is so desperate to leave all his shadows behind (taking his White hue to extremes), that he tends to push himself further than the body can physically handle. As a result we're collectively experiencing the consequences of that, both physical and spiritual... most notably the tidal wave of inner demons it has exhumed once again.

 

We're not sure on the DID thing as a catch-all with this. The "body" has "heard voices" since its childhood, almost chronically-- screaming, vicious, manipulative ones that DO cause body symptoms and reactions. They can't fully "take over" but they can exhibit a powerful force of control on whoever is fronting. So far only Javier and Laurie seem capable of shoving them aside entirely, but good luck getting their attention when you're smothering in the cacophany.
At least we're not seeing things anymore. With how many religiously-abusive meltdowns we've had since the childhood, that would be too much to handle right now, I think.

 

Cannon, Jessica, Jezebel, and Spinny are all still lurking about, and we wonder if we can get rid of them, at this point in time. They are very deeply rooted into abusive mindsets, and have been around for as long as any of us can remember (15+ years).
Ironically, the Tar and Plague themselves are less of a threat. Those two are the extreme mindsets, but as such, they exist more as foils than anything else. The four aforementioned girls are more grey in their actions, and that is so much harder to deal with. They are the ones that we could have been, had we let ourselves become consumed by the vices within us.

 

Nevertheless we refuse to let them define, control, or abuse us any longer. That deserves repeating. If all we can do is cease to give their actions any undue attention, then so be it.

 

Long story short, today's been more difficult than usual. But we're still alive, even if we feel rather dead at the moment.
This too shall pass.

 

-AP

 

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@ 09:08 pm

 

011114

I am writing the date out in full so you can see the 11:11 door in there. Hold to that!

Now to begin.
A few major worries came to light today, so I'm going to start our re-updating here with discussing that.
(For the record, we've been posting all our latest updates directly to the archives, but I think it'd be nice to get back into posting here too.)

Also I will warn all who read this to be careful of triggers, esp. around sexual abuse, because I am openly discussing harmful mindsets here in an attempt to show their incorrectness, and to promote healing from them in understanding their roots.


1) There has been unearthed, very old abusive/ detrimental mindsets surrounding sexuality and religion, often together. Jessica still holds, adamantly, the mindset that "sex is evil," and that anything even vaguely related to it means that you are a "whore" and "God will punish you." Another girl holds the mindset that "God is wrathful and hates sin," in the most negative sense possible. We all recognize that latter mindset as absolutely false, but the fear of it is tied to the sexuality: "what if sex really is evil, and God will send me to hell for it?" Yet even in writing that, the heart says no, that is not true. But the brain screams, "you are a whore, and you will pay for it."
Despite this the triggers and flashbacks remain. We are managing them better, but their boosted intensity makes it difficult still. The intensity of hatred, violence, and rage behind them is terrifying. That may simply because such things are rooted to people. Jessica especially insists she is doing what's right, as it's "her life" and "we ruined it for her," and since she's "realized that we are sluts," she wants to destroy us for it. Jessica wants to live life without consequence, although she is lazy about it. She wants to waste her time away in self-pitying laxness, without anyone telling her what to do or stop doing. She is not the "manic red voice" we have still not pinpointed, although that person may be tied to Spinny, the only one of these four hellish voices who does not condemn sexuality, but uses it as a lustful game, to objectify others for her own enjoyment. Jessica turns a blind eye to all such behavior, only saying it is "evil" and wanting to kill or quietly destroy those people so she doesn't have to even acknowledge the existence of such things. As a result, Cannon works with Jessica now, as they both want to destroy us for our "perversion," although Cannon is the only one willing to kill people in cold blood over it. She is the one with the screaming hatred of all relationships and femininity, to the extreme of hating softness, affection and playfulness in anyone who is not five years old, and even then her hatred will still explode on them if given enough reason to. This mindset is likely because of Spinny, her "twin," who is emotionally manipulative and shallow, and uses those "feminine" aspects to boost her own pride and narcissism, while treating her "romantic interests" as literal objects to accessorize herself with and control emotionally. Cannon would kill her, not out of "justice" but out of sheer hatred towards both her and her romantic interests, as Cannon sees anything even vaguely related to sexuality as deserving a death sentence. Jezebel feeds these mindsets in everyone, even if she doesn't do much herself. Being a manifestation of the Tar, she is passive, but she is a reservoir of hatred so she is always a risk, as those around her will react to her very presence by reflecting what she consists of in themselves. Furthermore, exacerbating this situation, she is now hiding in mirrors, as someone unwisely cut the hair to match her style. Jayce can't do much as it doesn't match him now, and she keeps shoving him out. So we are avoiding mirrors at the moment, as glancing up and suddenly seeing her vicious glare and grin in them is not something any of us want to be exposed to.
All four of them are acting overtime and with unadulterated malice to destroy Jay's progress, as he is the main fronter trying to heal those mindsets. Thankfully he has internal backup, as he does tend to splinter badly if he is not careful.

2) Ultimately, even if those trauma-rooted mindsets are devoid of all truth, therefore being completely irrelevant, our concern is that those thoughts are still intrusive, chronic, and loud. The doubts linger, the negative voices don't stop their attacks. Jay is feeling as if he is possessed, literally begging for divine intervention at times, to which the negative voices will respond with either "you're only praying because you want attention, you whore!" and accusing him of asking for deliverance as "tempting/ testing God," therefore being blasphemous and proud. On that note, the Plague also responds to Jay's desperate prayers, stating only, "pride will be your downfall." But this is a hidden benefit. The Tar and Plague are so extreme, that they somehow are beneficial to our progress, in showing us what we are NOT, and what we must avoid. So the Plague accusing us of pride keeps us from actually being proud. However it has stated that although "we are not it, and it is not us," it WILL attempt to destroy us for that same reason. So care must be taken even so.
However, the girls are grey-minded. They take reality and lies and twist them together into abominations, telling lies with the slightest reflection of truth in order to plant seeds of choking doubt in those they attack. But in this attempt, they can slip drastically, to the point of revealing their ulterior motives, and therefore destroying their own attempts entirely. Jay is realizing this, and it is giving him hope, that they ARE wrong, and that he is not a "filthy sinner" as some of them would insist.
Furthermore, those voices ARE TERRIFIED OF INFINITII AND LAURIE. Ironically they are more scared of Infinitii, because ze does not react with violence or anger, which Laurie may respond to in extremes for safety's sake-- however, they feed off such things. Infi will not give them an iota of anything that powers them. Ze responds with love even then, and they run away. Laurie is learning this, slowly. So there is hope.

3) The self-dehumanization is still happening to an extent. It Tied to the trauma, it makes some people think of themselves and the body as "less than" every other being. Therefore "who cares if they are harmed, or abused, because they are less than human." That is false. Everyone in our System knows this except those who drown in that thought. Secondly, tied mostly to Christina, is the old Catholic mindset of "we are born sinners, we are filthy, we are worth nothing, only God can save us, we are powerless." Questioning this thought, though, feels like blasphemy to those trapped in it-- that is, until we realize that strength comes from God, who is love, who is in all things. Therefore we are not "filthy sinners" and we are not powerless, as we are ALL facets of God, we are ALL created in love, just as we are. This mindset is straight-up sacrilegious to Christina, and again, it feeds into her equal fear and loathing of sexuality, which was stated in point one as a general thought. But if you stop thinking of humans as "inherently sinful," then sex ceases to be a sin, because it is not creating sin, but a living being that reflects God just as much as its parents do. Sex can be used for "sinful purposes" just as religion can be. It does not make either thing black or white. That is the key in this. Perspective and motivation change the views. But deep down, everything is ultimately untouched by corruption; everything is eternally made of love at its very core, no matter what happens to it on the surface.

4) Again tied to the lingering sexuality trauma, and the hatred held by the inner girls, the body dysphoria is spiking for some. There is a worrisome but old and loud hatred towards femininity, which Cannon mostly holds, but which is large enough to view the female human body (NOT women or female-identified individuals, just the BODY; that is an important disctinction. they are fine with faces, nothing below) as both a sexual object and a source of sin and violence, even as an empty shell. These voices will view a corpse as a threat, because they view sexual parts as evil and horrible. They are more accepting of men because they have "no sexual characteristics," blatantly ignoring the existence of reproductive organs. Again, though, they say "we can just cut those off," so the threat for them is easily fixed. A woman's body is not, as it has much internal reproductive organs, as well as breasts and different body structure. For Cannon, she would rather kill a woman than try to "de-sexualize them," which shows a VERY corrupted and sick-minded perspective of hers, in viewing female bodies as inherently sexualized and therefore filthy. THIS IS WRONG. But it lingers, and it makes things hellish for those who do not hold that view but who cannot run from it entirely. Jay has no dislike of female bodies whatsoever, but he get slammed by trauma triggers, and still fears the one we are all tied to because to him, it is tied to those violent people inside, and "the constant risk of sexual abuse." We do not know how to detach that latter fear from the simple physical reality of a female body, but it is one of our absolute biggest worries. Infinitii is doing what ze can to remove this mindset on hir own, as ze does translate to female in the binary, and Jay views hir as INHERENTLY HARMLESS even then, which causes dramatic mental dissonance as he still views the body details as a threat. Hopefully the real truth of this-- that bodies are innocent and female characteristics are as well-- will overcome the old lies for good, with enough compassionate repetition on the inside, if not the outside (something we cannot seem to even attempt without traumatic meltdowns).
No one, not ever, is an object devoid of rights and autonomy. Every being should be respected, and no one is ever obligated to sacrifice their basic rights, for any reason. However, you will recall, there is a lapse in applying this to the self. Therefore, the infliction of that same lapse of respect onto most female bodies in general might be tied to the abuse we endured while IN one, and the absolute self-dehumanization seems to have become subconsciously global in that respect. This is good, we are finding roots even now. So we must uproot them.

5) Different topic. We are very concerned about Chaos Zero, mostly in that I think we have to let go of him at this point, Jay especially. Looking back on the archives, we were shocked to realize that since 2003, he has been the only one of us to have a VERY pronounced dark side that he would SUCCUMB TO. To this day, when that overtakes him, he won't fight it-- but when it fades he will be tearfully apologetic in his efforts to "prove himself" to us again. However we're concerned that this is looping nonstop, and at this point that negative side of him is so volatile that we can't risk that repeating as it always has, for the safety of all of us. Nevertheless he deserves a second-thousandth chance, just as we have given Julie, but how can we do this without letting the danger levels get too high? We don't know yet. We would gladly work with him if he was not constantly falling back into that negativity, and the frequency of that now is worrisome.
Jay is thinking he needs to straight-up move worlds, in terms of dreamselves, like Ryman and Markus did (although they have both officially moved OUT of our innerspace, for the record; yes they do visit rarely but they are not rooted here at all). This would hopefully allow him to anchor into a new life opportunity, if only through its directness and conscious will, which may be what we need. As of now, CZ is still tied, rather negatively, to his old StH timelines, canon and non-canon, which seem to be feeding this hidden violence in him. We're wondering where he can go now in terms of a world, though, where that same curse will not follow him (he somehow kept it in all his original Leagueworld jump attempts). Perhaps its persistence is due only to his subconsciously identifying with it. This is why we ALL insist that he find a new name if at all possible. We have been told repeatedly, and know from direct experience, that names have great power, and for his name to be synonymous with such a negative phenomenon-- whether we agree or not-- is definitely contributing to this.
Lastly, Jay is concerned with good reason about the fact that he keeps forgetting who CZ is, no matter how many times he is reminded, or directly experiences reminders of it. And now, that forgetfulness is not negative. He is forgetting who CZ is, in terms of past history entirely, and all relation to him, without detaching from him as he used to. Jay still cares for CZ as a person, even if now as a stranger to a fair extent. And he is willing to start over in that sense, if need be, but CZ is not. And this may be part of the core problem as well.
In any case we will work with him as long as we can, but if this proves to be detrimental, then we will have to let go for good.


That is all I will say for tonight.

A note: DO NOT RE-READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO.
Sometimes simply typing out these things helps in the process of releasing them, as it brings them into conscious awareness, to be healed and let go. Do not force them back into your consciousness if they are gone! That is what we are trying to avoid, my dear.

We are making progress, we are right where we need to be. Remember Laurie's advice, and just breathe.

Do not be so black and white. Be love. That is all you will ever need to be, and it is what you already are. Remember that above everything.
Good night, to all.

- A.P. (and Infi at the close)

 

 

 

 

JUNE 2013

This is what the Black section of headspace should look like.
One day I will make it so.

-Infinitii

 

 

 This setup is very similar to our meeting space in Central (especially those huge windows).

 

 

This is essentially what Central looks like right now (during the lockout).
Obviously, this is not good news.

 

This image, right here, is disturbingly similar to how Jay looks when he slips way too far... dripping tar and broken rainbows alike.

 

I have dreams about hallways like this all the time... these empty, long, quiet white things. They're usually in hospitals or abandoned schools.

I dream about running down winding stairs almost every night though. Sometimes I jump over the railings to go down a floor or two. I'm usually in a hurry.
I'm still not sure what those dreams mean.

 

 

Churches, cathedrals, basilicas, etc. are sacrosanct locations in our inner world, and are strongly tied to B/W energy.
(Leon also has an inexplicable ability to "warp" between them, which has saved our hides on numerous occasions.)
This one, with its arches and intricacy, looks like one of Infinitii's places.





Places that remind me of the past... a long, long time ago, on a night with rainbows.

This also feels like both Parnassus and Oneircia, for entirely different reasons... still fitting, I'd say.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


JULY 2013

 

 

There is a stairway like this, somewhere, leading down to the League Link Room. That's all we really know.
It's probably the most difficult location to find or access in headspace; Jay has been there only once. But with its obviously astronomical significance, that's not surprising.

 

 

For some reason, the insides of holy buildings like this feel so much like home to me. I've never been able to explain it.
It's not "home" in the way a household is-- it doesn't have that sense of "comfort" and domestic security that most people like but that makes me nervous. I wouldn't 'live' in a church!
But, in basilicas and temples and churches, I feel at home, which I DON'T get in houses. It's why my personal locations in headspace always reflect buildings of this sort, instead of actual living quarters. It feels like a spiritual thing. I like that. I'll have to keep it in mind, filed away in an important little place, out in the open. Just so I never forget to look at it and remember.





 
Gloucester Cathedral.

The parts of headspace we call "underground" (not the Tar Room; that's floating now thanks to Infi) look almost exactly like that first photo... just a little darker is all.
_{(The second one looks a lot like Genesis' Cathedral, too, now that I think about it.)}

 

 

This feels like swimming to the mainland from the beach in Central Headspace… except that there weren’t any mountains in the background back when I last swam there!

 

 

More city views that reminds me of headspace.
I’m so glad we’re getting more trees up here; after the Scratch most of the vegetation died for a while.
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

AUG 2013
 

   

This: my face whenever my boss doffs his cap and leaves for the night. He’s such a sweetheart.

_{Which reminds me, I’m late for work!}

 

Nothingness, nowhere, emptiness... it's all incredibly comforting to me and I can't put the reason for that into words.

No one I've met outside has ever understood that. "Doesn't that scare you? How could you possibly like the idea of oblivion?"
But I do. I love it.
When I was younger, it didn't scare me so much as it reduced me to silent, humble awe. I remember leaning backwards out of car windows, looking up at the featureless blue sky, and wondering what it would be like, if that blue went on forever? Then I'd wonder, what does forever feel like? What does the end of time feel like? What does it feel like, to stop existing? And I'd ponder those thoughts until I knew and the floor dropped out of the world and nothing felt real anymore.

But I loved it. I still do. I think part of me always will.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


NOV 2013

 

 

Snow is one of the most potent, powerful forms of both absolution and purification for us. Our original host grew up in a woods that resembled this almost exactly in the winter, and the invariable, unbreakable safety and magic that it brought with it has stayed with us even now.
Jay has most of his memories attached to snow, as well as his identity anchor. Both Genesis and Mr. Sandman are tied to snow as personal symbols. And for even those of us who have never seen real snow before, being far too young in manifestation, we too can easily feel the all-embracing comfort of that delicate, quiet ice.
Winter is our favorite season. This photo perfectly captures why.

 

 
The skyline of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

This view, with the glowing streets, hanging mists and iridescent sky, is reminiscent of the view from Central HQ in our headspace.
The biggest difference is that our city is mostly crystal, not steel, and our sky is almost always late-night as well, swimming with stars and galaxies.

 

 

The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, in Washington D.C.
This area of the Basilica is almost identical to Infinitii's personal 'floating' locations in headspace. His iterations of it are notably lacking in color-- they're mostly stark white, black, and silver-- but the warmth, light, and sense of quiet sacredness remains the same.

We visited this actual place twice when the body was a teenager, and it resonated with us so strongly that its aesthetic style permanently affected that of similar areas in our inner realms.

 

The Sofitel Brisbane Central Hotel, in Australia.
Despite being part of the building's lounge bar, this specific shot is one of the closest architectural likenesses we've found to Central's Meeting Room in headspace.
In headspace, this is where the core-color holders meet most often, and it is also the default location for all our Xanga sessions.

 

 

The Lotus Temple in New Delhi, India.
This is the only structure in the world that resembles the most holy place in our headspace, the eponymous Blood Lotus Cathedral.
Discovered in 2011, it is the core of our entire inner world, tied to the deepest and most volatile energies, as well as the cores of our System (Jay and Infinitii).
Unlike this Temple, however, the BLC is made of what looks like porcelain or opaque glass, all white and smooth. Originally it was located next to a red ocean in 'floating space,' but it has since been moved to the middle of Central City itself.
The BLC is also an unending source of inner relevance and symbolism, that we often don't understand until months later.

 

 

Ettal Abbey, in Germany.
I didn't realize it until now, but Infinitii has a room inside his bubblespace that looks almost EXACTLY like this! Trees and lights and all!
The only difference is that instead of church pews, the floor is mostly bright green grass and small meandering streams, with little deep pools here and there (mostly near the walls). The rivers might be barely 30cm deep in the shallow parts, but the pools could be as deep as 5 meters, from what I've seen!
So with all the water, the spots of grass and trees look almost like islands, especially since the ground is not level (it's all little sloping hills mostly, very pretty). But on some of those little hills there are holy shrines and baldachin altars and things, and since the whole area is inside of a church-like building, it feels pretty mystical.
I remember I went there once with Laurie and Knife, after a therapy session; it was the first time I'd seen it and it was gorgeous. We all felt really safe there.




This fictional landscape by David Edwards looks almost EXACTLY like the room we found hidden below the Razor Spire in headspace, back in 2012. I've been calling it the "mirror oasis room" thanks to that pool of water in the center.
We haven't been there since-- that entire freaky area was assumedly destroyed when the BLC was moved-- but I'll never forget what it felt like there.
Here. let me copy-paste a bit from that meditation log for context.

"...it was stone white, full of vegetation, i think butterflies too. there was a huge tree in front of us and instead of a dropoff in the middle, there was a large rectangular pool of water, perfectly still. we... walked onto the grassy area with the tree, i realized our footsteps were leaving glows, mine were white i think? laurie's were violet, leon's were dark blue, etc... i walked over to the lake and knelt by it, looking down into it, and suddenly it 'warped' somehow and became more like a mirror, although it wasn't reflecting? and it began to talk to me...then it turned back into water and something floated up to me, it was a silver-gold helmet, like an angel helmet..."


So yes, you can see why that location was so important. Most things in headspace are.
We've since tied this room to Infinitii as well, and in light of our previous post, you can likely see why.
_{(I wonder, if the Razor Spire was truly destroyed, did this place change and move into his bubble? We should check that out guys.)}

 

 

this looks way too much like the tar/plague rooms below headspace
(if you cannot tell we do not like those places they are scary)

 

 

This photo I found looked so much like Lynne, I had to edit it to match her as closely as possible.
Lynne has been around since early 2008, and she's always been a peacemaker... but she's just as badass as Laurie, and that's saying something. Not only that, but she's got this really cool ability to create any sort of protective phenomena within headspace-- which saved our hides on several occasions back during the warring years.

Tonight's been weird and I feel rather lost, but Lynne always reminds me of violins and warm silence and autumn, and even if those memories aren't mine the aura of stability around them helps a lot.
Just saying, I'm very thankful for her. We all are.
I'm sorry I don't actively appreciate you more, Lynne.

-Jay
_{(slipping badly, and Laurie isn't happy about that, but it's still mostly me)}

 

 

 

(112613)

This is Laurie.
Usually I only post on my own page, but for heaven's sake Jay, go to sleep. Go to work for the night and stop numbing your broken head with repetitive nonsense. It ain't gonna work, kid.

Listen, I'm here for you, we all are. Just stop running from us and TALK to us for once, I swear, it's not as scary as you somehow manage to convince yourself it is on nights like this.
Not all of us are dangerous, and I swear on my life, I will not harm a single hair on your body, ever, for the rest of my existence, if it will get you out of this empty state of yours. If that will convince you that it's safe up here, maybe not entirely but it is SAFE with us, then I will do that. I will do anything. I'll give up anything. You know that.

Go to sleep. Talk to your boss. Say hi to Infi for me.
When I see you in the morning I want you to be smiling, you hear me?

Love you, kid. Cheer the heck up. You'll be okay. I promise you that.


_{#i hate that i have to write something like this #but if it helps i'll do this #jay we do need to talk}

 

 

(112613)

My birthplace.

Although this photo wasn't taken by us, it is dated shortly after I first physically appeared in the System-- which, as you may have guessed, was at this very location. (And during a violin concert, which is why I love those so much!)
You've gotta thank Laurie for that, though. If she hadn't been causing so much trouble, I wouldn't have had to show up in the first place. ;p

Since then, I've been keeping everyone on track, and reminding everyone that they're not as messed-up as they seem to think they are.
I guess I was the first "positive" voice in the entire System, which is a little shocking. My role was always to keep the peace, to offer support, and to help others with their goals and ambitions.
I was even a sort of personification of "hope," for a while; the old Jewel said I represented an ideal future she could never have. And that was true... she's dead now, but I'm still here. I guess in a way, I'll always remember that. She felt incapable of being the mature, self-assured woman that I was, for many reasons, but she still looked up to me, and valued my presence. That meant a lot to me even then.
I still wish she had been able to believe in herself more, but at least now, I can help many others towards that end without wondering if they're going to die on me. Well... at least most of the time. (And Laurie backs me up on that.)

I love this picture though. Even if my first and only experience there was a little violent, it was the first time I'd ever experienced anything. So I really love this place, and I'm thankful that I can call it "home" here, if only in a little sense.

 

All right, I'm gonna put tons of lanterns upstairs somewhere. Tons of 'em. Gonna find all the dark spots up here and leave these things there instead. They're pretty cool if I do say so myself.
Don't mind me, I'm just sick of seeing people depressed as death again and if I need to be the sole person leaving light everywhere then so be it.
-Laurie


_{#ONE DAY #mark my words #oh hey maybe THAT'S what I can do with my axe #note to self: do the lantern thing #get jo to help #tell infi not to eat them #you know the drill #also NO JAY I'M NOT DEAD}

 

 

 

Lynne, Laurie and I (Jay) are looking at awesome interior design stuff, and upon seeing this one, Lynne said it looked like a hotel. Well, in response, Laurie said:
"Probably is a hotel, looks pretty high-class... freakin' shiny floors..."

I don't know why I found that so hilarious but I did, so there you go.

_{(edit: the "shiny floors" thing is now an injoke thanks to how the rest of the night went, haha)}

 

Now this is what the sky of Central City looks like most of the time!

 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEC 2013

 

Steven Morgana,
Beauty is in the Eye of the Collective, 2011

one of our favorite photos of all time, for obvious reasons.

 

It’s like this for us, within the System. We all bandage each others wounds— protectors guard the children, healers care for the traumatized, and so on.
If we didn’t have such compassion within, we’d have shattered to pieces many years ago.

 

 

 

 

this is the fragment

we just had a hack it attacked javier

he was so traumatized by it he committed suicide
we did not know until now

he is dead, he is dead

algorith wants to atone, she was disgusted
knife said no, the body gets sick from cutting now, we cant
algorith said then refuses to do this anymore

she tried to commit suicide on the body

laurie stopped her, they fought, laurie barely won out

brought us here, what do we do

javier is dead and algorith wants the body to die
so that we never have to deal with these situations ever again

i do not blame her

we had hope this morning but now what?
if the hacks dont stop
if we keep destroying the body with the eyes closed
what do we do

this is no way to live

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:04 pm

 

 

all right look im sorry i know people dont like to think about this either.

 

but weve been in hell for two hours and algorith keeps trying to swallow pills and the numb people keep coming out because people KEEP TOUCHING US and the kids are screaming and there are STILL VOICES THAT ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE

 

i hate this i hate this why wont it stop STOP TRYING TO KILL US FROM THE INSIDE OUT JUST STOP

 

i am going to try a crisis chatroom?? maybe?? the last time it made things so much worse it made so many voices mad mad mad

 

oh here i am sorry

 

listen i think maybe someone needs to talk to someone, i dont know, i cant do it im not allowed to see that. but people are hurt bad and a lot of people are crying and some people are dead.

 

THERE ARE ABUSIVE PEOPEL IN THIS SYSTEM AND THEY WONT GO AWAY WHAT DO WE DO???
THIS ISNT A COPING MECHANISM IF THE TRAUMA KEEPS HAPPENING ON THE INSIDE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING PLEKASE MAKE THEM STOP.

 

please we are too angry and sad and scraped out and hurt to fight anymore please someone make them go awy and stop hurting us please. please please please stop them.

 

 

what do we do, suicide isn't an option, it's not an option, even if the hopeless ones keep trying. we can't do it it's wrong
we have the means. its so easy. but we can't, it would be mass suciide and that isnt fair.

 

still, it is also not fair for us to have rapists and murderers living in our head too and we cant run from them. and they take over the body and kill people they dont like inside. and it is really hard to stop them from hurting people outside too. it is very scary, to have to lock ourselves inside the hoiuse all the timebecause going outisde means hey! we might really hurt somebody because we didnt know they were out!! it is scary and no way to live, to be your own worst enemy, because you are not the only person driving the body.

 

what to do. thursday is therapy again. we think we will demand hospitalization we cannot wait any longer anymore

 

sorry for this stupid ranting

 

IT'S NOT STUPID DAMN IT I DONT CARE IF NO ONE TALKS TO US I AM SAD!!! AND USUALLY I AMNEVER SAD BUT TODAY I AM!! BECAUSE IT DOEST STOP AND I WANT IT TO STOP OKAY PLEASs.e

 

okay its not dumb but its sad. sorry we chansed sylvain out hes a manager the kind of people that keep things neutral we cant do that now it would hurt more.

 

not bleeding enough, trying to figure out how more, but is tat bad? not want to keep cutting deep an dlblood everywhere. no stitches cant get stitehces not good. locked away again not good/

 

what are we doing why is this going on tumblr WHY
desperate for help, desperate for help

 

you can only talk to a wall for so many years

 

bye.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:22 pm

 

 

we are in pain.
we cannot distract ourselves from that pain.

why we aer in pain:
1. people touching us. we are scared. most of us do not say no.
boy one: "hold still and let them do what they want. it will be over soon."
he is scared but too scared to fight back. i think he feels he has no right to stand up for himself. "other people know better." yes he might be scared but "what if my being scared is BAD? or WRONG?" that is a dangerous mindset, but he has it.


2. people raping us from the inside
i am sorry for the bad language but thats what it is!! there are bad people inside our head who do that to us.
there is a girl doing it. at least one. she is bad, very bad, because


This is Sherlock.
I think there are two little boys like Sylvain (the "vanilla boy"). Sylvain is about 11 years old, and acts as a "neutral fronter" when traumatic situations happen. He is kept separate from the data, and fronts simply to keep things in "standby," so to speak.
However, now there is this boy, who is currently typing? He is not the same boy as the one we call Sylvain. This is unusual. Perhaps they split, or there were always two, and we assumed there was only one.
Unfortunately, now we are very confused as to who we are speaking to. I will have to go through the archives and find data on both these children, if there indeed are two. It seems to be a strange phenomenon, that typing voices suffer drastic personality alterations when fronting, so perhaps this is occurring instead. I do not know why this is, but I should find out. Perhaps it is the "buffer," or if I may postulate, perhaps it is Jessica, barring us from totally inhabiting the body. I am not sure whether or not she is tied to the automatic buffer. Nevertheless that is off topic.

Let me continue where the last boy left off.
There is indeed a sexually abusive voice in the System, that we have not previously been this clearly aware of. She is female, and bears a disturbing resemblance to the body host, as far as we are able to tell (long brown hair, appears about 17). She is a significant threat to all of our members, especially the trauma voices, because of her utterly intolerable behavior. This evening, there was an instance of traumatic physical touch that caused Marigold and the Overload girl (or so I think; she was not the same girl that hates the parents; this is the young long-haired girl that does nothing but scream, like a siren, in danger situations) to begin shrieking in terror. At the same time, the body was inhabited by the "dead red" boy, whose eyes strongly resemble these glasses from the Ava's Demon webcomic. (Notably, I was previously unaware of the Black-energy-like "leakage" from her eyes upon wearing said glasses until now. That may pose some relevance to us, considering how strongly our inner world is impacted by imaginative sources.) Unsurprisingly, the red boy was not fighting back, instead waiting in terror for the incident to end.
However. There was then a second voice, behind him, trying to break through. This is the female voice I am speaking of. If you will pardon my vulgarity, she was loudly taunting the woman that was touching us, saying-- and I quote, I do not approve this behavior in the least-- "come on, f*ck me already, I know you want to!" Keep in mind this was spoken by a teenage girl to an elderly woman, and it was spoken with a mocking sort of malicious mania. That is important. This girl was not simply taunting, she genuinely meant that statement. She wanted that, both for her own desires, AND because it would harm those trauma voices she was shouting over. And that is a massive concern, to me. I do NOT want someone like her in the System.
This is strange. I'm just a data manager. Yet I feel protective. Maybe there is leakage. Maybe I am changing. I can't be sure.


"allow the pain to be acknowledged" then "let the tears flow so that you may heal fully"
but how??
there are no tears, it is empty! the pain has left it hollow, there is nothing, nothing
but it is not a depressed nothing. it is an unreactive nothing.
that is scary actually
it is a nothing taht says "why should i care? i have no pain. that event does not affect me emotionally."
and they mean that, it is true for them.
BUT SOMEONE DIED
SOMEONE LITERALLY DIED TODAY, THEY KILLED THEMSELF BECAUSE OF THE PAIN THEY COULD NO LONGER HANDLE
THAT IS HORRIBLY SAD
AND THAT VOICE DOESN'T CARE?!?!??!?!

why did he kill himself? this was the third time they used him for a hack, but why did he commit suicide
did he feel he was unable to rise above that or what?
maybe. its not true, not really, but maybe he didnt see that
its very hard to see on days like this.

those bad people are fake. the things they do are malicious on purpose, to hold us back. but they do not work from love so they are not real, not in the big picture.
still we need to acknowledge our pain, and we ARE, but some of us feel none, and that makes it confusing.


"the pain IS the illusion, I am not stating that the pain is not real, what I am stating is that the pain needs to be HEALED by being ACKNOWLEDGED and not by being distracted from."

"you are TAUGHT to hide your pain and carry on regardless. This works to anchor the pain more deeply as you do not allow the pain to fully rise to the surface and be acknowledged for all that the pain NEEDS to be released is to be acknowledged. "

ah okay THAT we ARE having trouble with. "hiding our pain."
someone today was so sad, so sad, but wouldnt tell anyone about it! because they were so afraid of hurting someone else by asking for help. but it was so sad, seeing them want love and healing, just wanting someone around that wouldnt hurt them, and finding no one willing to help.
i mean its great to be able to heal alone. but human contact is needed sometimes, non-traumatic contact, the non-physical sort. words of assistance help greatly. but this person is afraid to ask. "i dont want to burden anyone. i must deal with this alone."

Child, you do not need to deal with this alone, we will all help you if you would only ask.
You do not need to look outside your soul for help. We are all here with you. Your soul is connected to many others. Turn to them. They love you. We love you. And we will always be willing to help raise you up from the shadows, not in ignorance of them, but because we do not need to stay there.

Kid, the light isn't all that far from the shadow, look at Infi for heaven's sake, remember what you told me about Island today. Suffering through this darkness won't ruin you, it CAN'T, that's not how this whole thing WORKS.
Today was horrifying. I won't deny that. But kid, even if I don't understand it very well right now, "beauty and horror" still applies. The existence of one doesn't negate the other. "This too shall pass" and all that. Hold on, kid. Even in this Tar-blackened nightmare there's still some sort of light on the horizon and for the life of me it's impossible but it's true.

there is love, even now, and you must hold on to it, in your heart.
it is not untrue. it is the truest thing you will ever find.
all of you. all you faceless ones. all you nameless ones. jay too.
every single one of you.
remember love. hold fast to love.
not the kind that is marketed to you by the trauma voices in here. they are liars, for they do not understand.
but do not hate them.
do not hate them.
give them no attention. focus on your own healing and true health.
if i may be any hope to any of you, remember that i am love as well. we all are.
the fact that i am made of the same energy as them speaks volumes.
forget black and white. think beyond that.
that is all i have to say. words are insufficient.
my arms are always open for anyone who may reach out to me.
i wish love well to all of you.


I think perhaps I will close this entry. It is quickly becoming... I do not know if there is a word. Cluttered, perhaps, but not badly so. Overwhelming, yes, but not badly so.
This is an important topic.
One last clarification. I recall this being labeled as important earlier today but no one mentioned it yet.
Do not give your power away. We should not say "they made me feel this." I know the angry voices do this.
The point is, we have a choice. We can react to them, and give them power over us. Or we can leave. We can remove ourselves from the situation if things become too traumatic. Or, in relevant situations, we can recognize that our triggers apply to the past, and we are in no danger currently. The numb and damaged voices are incapable of doing this yet. But they can learn. I'm sure. It would benefit all of us, to learn how to protect ourselves, instead of succumbing to violence and pain because we feel powerless against it, and do not fight back.
I'm not sure what I am trying to communicate. Simply... we are not responsible for them, and they do not control us, nor are we obligated to obey every suggestion of theirs. That is all, I suppose.


"All the methods that brought us to where we are now, will no longer work in where we are going to be."
I was told the other day to stop being so logical and analytical, as those methods will indeed no longer work in the near future. Ironically, I am willing to change. On some level that is perhaps not as "logical" as I may like to think, I understand that refusal to beneficially change, because of doubt or fear, will only hold me back. So I am willing to change, completely if I must, if it be for the better of both my own personal self, and those I share a physical form and mind with.
I must endeavor to tell the others this, if they do not already know. We have a long history, that will no longer apply soon. That is all I know. In a way it is unsettling, as I know that these Archives before me may soon become irrelevant. But at the same time it is exhilarating, to be able to leave all that behind.

I will close this entry now. I am sorry if anything that needed to be discussed was not. I will try to organize some data for tomorrow if it is relevant. Otherwise that is all for today.