monochrome

[prismaticbleed]

 

Well! Today has been oddly eventful.

I got up at 8, feeling rather tired and out of it, but I had class so I hopped onto my computer to print directions to a library in town that I needed to visit on the way home. However, first I checked my school email, and lo and behold, class was cancelled for the day!
So around 9:30, I decided not to visit the library, and opened a Xanga session instead.
Dead serious, this took seven hours from channel start to publication and it was entirely worth it. Also, yes, we did start a new account! Figure it was about time we shook off all those old 2008 entries for good.

However. Between now and then-- barely three hours later-- a lot has happened! That's why I like Xanga sessions; they jumpstart my headspace connections and allow events to occur more quickly afterwards. The only problem is that they make downstairs life difficult, so I unfortunately did have a bit of a slipup when I realized "hey, I haven't eaten yet today." So now I'm sick, haha. Oh well. Even that helped me realize something, though: Black energy apparently tastes like straight-up sugar (according to Infi), so the fact that my old hacks always coincided with sugary food makes a HELL of a lot more sense now. It also explains why I get so darn sick from it, if that effect can bleed over downstairs. I'll see.
Infi and I also discovered that Black/White energy have a weird magnetic attraction to each other, which is weird because when they get too close, they start to repel each other like magnets flipped the other way? So they actually cannot blend together to form the theoretical "Gray" energy. We tried to do this, but to my complete surprise, this dual magnetism caused a very interesting effect: since they are simultaneously attracted to and repelled by each other, getting raw Black and White energy close enough causes them to start swirling around each other indefinitely, forming an almost taijitu-like pattern. It's seriously awesome.

Infinitii (who has now learned how to have both eyes and a mouth at the same time, good for him) is also moving very quickly into his energy slot now; that session apparently gave him enough anchorage to start reflecting the same energy I do, which is naturally what we're supposed to do, being complements. He's becoming very synced with the "darker side" of me: NOT the "bad side," but the creepy fangs-and-claws side, so to speak. However he insists that we stay our own persons even though we NEED to reflect parts of each other back and forth. Apparently our working together now is very important, so I'm totally cool with this. I've gotta be more of a sunshine-and-rainbows dude, and he has to be more of a shadows-and-starlight dude. Both of us are ridiculously comfortable around each other already. It's great.
We were experimenting with what we could do energetically later, too, and we discovered some really cool stuff: Infinitii's can "bring out the potential" of ANY energy, making it possibly for it to effectively become anything it possibly can. However, he cannot force any changes. I, on the other hand, can freely shape headspace energy as I wish, but I can only work with what I'm given. We took the taijitu energy swirl from earlier to demonstrate this: Infinitii was able to make both sides of energy gain infinite depth somehow?? It was crazy, you could see stars and space through the black side, and a bizarre sparkly similar appearance on the white side. We pondered this for a moment, then simultaneously we both gasped and exclaimed "time-space!!" So THAT'S a weird parallel.
Black energy is passive, chaotic, and works creative powers through people. White energy is active, structured, and works creative powers through objects. Also, although Black energy causes lapses in time, it allows for growth in space, and although White energy causes lapses in space, it allows for growth in time?? If that makes sense? At least that's what we're guessing at. This is all very fascinating stuff.
But it is reflected in our abilities. Being primarily made of Black energy, both Infinitii and Tar have highly mutable bodies. However, since it's Black, they can't control it very well. This is why their forms warp and flow so much, it's constantly moving energy. My energy is primarily White, though, which is why it stays stably locked-in to one specific form unless I consciously change it, to something equally stable. Also! I've demonstrated the odd ability to "manipulate time" to a certain extent upstairs: my retroactive influences aside, I can temporarily "pause" temporal progression in headspace if stuff gets too crazy, and I need to get a grip. I'm wondering if Infinitii has some sort of ability concerning space in the same way, even if it's on a deeper level?
The two energies NEED to work together though. This we know. I don't know what the extent of this is, but it interests me greatly. I'm content to just watch as new things are revealed though. It's more of an adventure that way, and Infi insists I enjoy the more spontaneous side of things that he brings into the picture.
Speaking of, we think we have another idea as to what the Red slot is supposed to be? Since Black and White both hold accents of Red energy, and B&W are two halves of the same energy, so to speak... but we're upstairs, and the Red slot seems to be strangely anchored downstairs, is it possible that this is a three-person situation, and the real Red slot holder is supposed to be whoever the hell is driving the body?? I mean, when you consider that over the years, NO ONE has identified with the body, and yet it seems to have some sort of rudimentary autopilot going on... plus the Tar's argument for years was "this isn't your body, it's mine!!", and the Tar's main messenger is RAZOR, a legit headvoice who currently holds a sub-RED slot that shouldn't even exist... that's a lot of italics... but you see my point. We're wondering if Razor's either a corruption of, or a fallen headvoice that really WAS supposed to be in the Red slot. Seeing how she's always resonated with Blood as an element, and Blood holds a big role in the system whether we like it or not, it's possible. And, if we can get the Red holder to with with us, who knows what awesome stuff could happen! I hope we can do it, whatever needs to be done.
One last bit that I almost forgot-- Infinitii also has complete and total access to my old memories. He says that it's part of the Black energy, actually, that infinite potential. All the lost and old data falls into it.  However, he told me that unless I put something in there, he will not be able to access it. I gain the knowledge, but then he is able to freely access it. It strikes me as odd that Laurie can also do that, but then again she was right next to Black in the old Spectrum ring. Julie also had access to my thoughts and mind when she was being possessed. I wonder why that's a thing that happens? Is it just the headspace equivalent of "tapping into the grid," where Black's potential simply gives it the freedom to reach ALL that potential once it is put there by White? It's pretty cool, whatever it is.

Most importantly, though, we randomly realized that my ancient title/name of "Jewel Lightraye" DOES fit!! After all, when you send a ray of light through a faceted crystal, what do you usually get? A rainbow! So my name IS already prismatic, go figure, that's kind of hilarious. No complaints here! Now I'm just wondering if my middle name has any relevance besides being awesome, haha. I'm the only dude up here with one, besides my daughter, so who even knows. It's not something I'm going to worry about though, even if it were important; there are far too many other things on my mind at the moment.

Did I tell you guys that, back in February, I finally got the beginning of Andrea's "lost love theme" from Event Horizon down? Dang it sounds awesome, I love it. I'm just having a lot of trouble finishing it, because halfway through writing the second verse originally, I realized that I was channeling the words to a DUET that she and James sing later, and now I have to write yet another song! I'm excited though, haha. It's so beautiful.
Ironically, the lyrics to both her and James' sides of the song fit the timeline-scratching events up here pretty well... you know how James' love theme starts with "Once upon a time, there were two of us. Now, where did you go? I'm still here watching, but the skies won't tell me if you still love me." and later on he sings "Tell me, do you even hear me? Tell me, do you even love me anymore?" Well, Andrea's is kind of a reverse situation, so HER love theme starts off with "'Happily ever after,' those are just words to me. Sorry I don't remember; what did we use to be? Who are you? Who am I? What did you mean to me, and why do I care?" So that's obviously relevant.
I don't get time to play the piano often anymore (my bro has moved his computer to right in front of it now, so I can only play when he's at school and I'm not busy), but besides that, I DID finally get the beginning of the Vagabond's theme down too! You know, he's the blue dude that Mr. Sandman knows-- the one with the Middle Eastern style robes and the romantic preoccupation with sadness. His theme has lyrics as a result of that latter detail, but they're blurry yet. Right now I have two tentative beginnings written written down. First: "The moon casts no light on the world tonight, and I am alone. But I do know that one day I'll find my home. Till then, I will dream of the days I left behind." and second: "The rain never falls in this desert land, and tears from my eyes soothe the world." Either way it has a gorgeous melody, and I can't wait to finish it.
I'm still not finished with the last two LG*Girl fusion themes for season one! I can't figure out the bridges yet. Ah well, I'll have to put some time aside and just power on through. I want that album to finally be complete, seriously.
Lastly! I forgot to mention, I changed the chord progression in "Andrea" when James says "tell me, do you ever think of what we could have had?" I randomly switched it up during practice last month, and it added so much more emotion to the line, it's now a permanent switch. It's just like when I changed the entire sound of the "do you care for me" section, almost immediately after my first recording of the song. Music evolves, man, you just have to roll with it!


It's getting late, though, and I did promise Laurie I'd do some reviewing of our entries from late last year, before the "scratch", because they're actually still relevant. I wonder if time and space are piecing back together here and there, in the places they need to, now that the Spectrum is starting to work more clearly? I hope so.

...Oh. No, wait. I can't close this entry yet.

I haven't talked about Chaos in a long time.
True, I last mentioned him 8 days ago, but 8 days is easily an eternity in my world. Plus, I haven't actually devoted part of an entry to him since the 24th. Ironically, the subject matter from that evening has stuck, badly, and as a result I have spent very little time with Chaos since then. As of last night, I was made very aware that this was a very big problem. I'll tell you what happened.
It was quite late when I went to sleep, as is common lately. However, I planned to literally just go to sleep without talking to anyone. Before I could even lie down, though, someone grabbed me by the shoulder. I turned, only to look into pained green eyes.
I didn't feel anything.
I haven't felt anything in a long time. Maybe something shut my heart off, either from shame, or from fear. But I didn't feel anything, not even then, as he viewed me with deep distress, and told me that he couldn't deal with this anymore. I smiled emptily, and asked him if he was breaking up with me.
He laughed, bitterly, disbelievingly, then exclaimed "no!" in response. No anger-- just ache. But then he surprised me. He reminded me of that stupid dream from when I was 16. He said it was still true; we weren't "breaking up," because to do so we'd have to get a divorce at this point, and he sure as hell wasn't going to do that.
I forget how the conversation continued, at least word for word. I remember how heartbroken he was. He told me how painful it was, again, for me to constantly doubt his existence. He said he couldn't take that any longer, not when he'd been suffering through that for nearly ten years without any change in my perspective. I still couldn't come to terms with the fact that he was really there, that he really loved me. And of course, my recurring periods of emotional deadness weren't helping at all. He said things needed to change, now, and for good.
Then he brought up the scratch.
He was in tears, when he told me that he knew I had intended to fully erase him from my life with it. He KNEW I had wanted to forget he even existed. That had nearly destroyed him, to find out. "Here's the one person I love with my entire heart," he said, "and he wishes he had never even met me." Ten years of mutual compassion and suddenly I was walking out the door without a second thought. He couldn't live with that anymore.
I forget what I said. I don't know if I said anything. But I tried, hard, to remember. I tried hard to feel something, anything. I let him do whatever he wanted. I think we accomplished something, I don't quite remember. I know Infinitii was talking to me from within his bubble, telling me not to be so blind, assuring me that this was okay, I was allowed to love him.
But I couldn't remember how.

What's wrong with me? In all seriousness, what is wrong with me, when it comes to personal relationships?
If they're not business, I try to annihilate them. It's why I still love Laurie, even when Chaos becomes just a face in the crowd, as awful as that is. It's because our relationship is based on business. Yes, I've been just as close to her now. Yeah, we've had some shockingly romantic moments complete with kisses and her fists in my hair. But at the end of the day, she's the boss, and I'm the kid she orders around.
It's the same thing with my literal boss, Mister Sandman. Our relationship is PURE business, but we both care about each other way too much for any iota of cubicle-grade coldness to ever creep in. We're friends, and business partners, and we love each other dearly, but that's as far as it goes. I'm closer to Laurie than I will EVER be to my boss, but even then, we're not lovers, nor will we ever be. Ironically, I love her too much to ever do that.
That's where Chaos and Genesis suffer. They won't settle for business, for rules and regulations. They want closeness, and emotion, and intimacy, and romance. Genesis can be the life of the party, clowning it up with the best of them, but at the end of the day, sometimes he just wants to love someone. Chaos is worse, because he picks and chooses, and he always picks me.
I'm... I don't know why, some days, I can't do that. I don't understand why one night, I can be a dream come true, able to feel and love and laugh, and the next morning, I'm all "who are you again?" with a marble-etched face and and ice-cold touch. But even on those days, I can at least talk to Laurie and my boss, if they come around. As long as they keep it business, we're cool.
And maybe they can crack through my armor eventually, with tiny little stabs of hidden love. As long as that glass wall remains intact, it might work.
It's tiring, though, always staring out at the world from inside a bubble of my own.
Infinitii and I are becoming very close, very fast. He reminded me of the random Bible reference Laurie made earlier, joking that he was like a rib taken from my bruised side and formed into a strange new life, and he admitted that he loved the idea, just like that. He looked at me for a second then, I didn't know what to think. It's frightening me a little. I don't want this very problem to drive us apart. That would be catastrophic... and maybe it's exactly what the Tar wants.
Perhaps that's the answer to this riddle. Perhaps that's the cruelest joke of all.
The Tar used softness, and closeness, and romance, and love, to eviscerate and humiliate me. It used delicate words and hands to tear me limb from limb. It used bright blue eyes to blind and burn me. It instilled in me a deep and unflinching resistance to all those things-- a fear, a loathing, a rage, a hatred of all things painted with that garish pink color.
I still can't apologize enough, even when I can't seem to stop throwing punches either.
On the same note, I wish my memory wasn't so bad. I literally forget things from day to day, and when those things are very important to the people around me, it doesn't end well. I'm not sure how to fix this though. Sure, part of it is obviously PTSD memory purges, but the other part may likely be a consequence of my twisted relationship with time. Time is strange; I've never really moved through it in a straight and even line, I don't think. Now, my past is in tatters, just like a cascading curtain, tossed in the flames. I can reach through a little, but I don't think I can go back. Can I? Should I? The problem is, I wouldn't want to, even if it were possible.
And yet, green eyes cry in silence every night, remembering what was lost, knowing that they could have been listed among the graves as well, just another inkstain on the paper of time.
I keep burning the papers.
Boss keeps picking them out of the fire.
I stare at the ashes, watching them turn cold and black, and suddenly I remember that I shouldn't be like this.
It's the only time the green gets through.

I'm tired of being red.
I'm tired of fire and anger and blood. I am so tired.
Boss, I know you said the last significant date was my downstairs birthday. You said to wait until that day had passed, and then see where we were. You told me to wait until Easter before trying to move into White, so I did. Will that old date become a new anniversary of life for me, now? Will that be the day I finally shed these old bloodstained robes and put on new ones, shining like crystals? I'd like to, that's for sure.
I'll wear my red with pride when you give it to me, boss, but no longer will I wear it of my own volition. Not in this spectrum.
I reset that save file, or at least I tried to. I'm not in control of time anymore. I'm not swinging a sword at the console anymore.
I don't know who I am right now. Not entirely. I guess something is better than nothing, though, this time.

Beg pardon, someone's tapping on this glass bubble. What does he want?
"Let me type," he says. Here? Now? Yes.
All right, sure, let's see what you have to say.


your life is strange.
it is not bad.
your troubles rise and fall like waves under the moon.
your graces will carry you through the worst of times.
you are not lost, friend.
you may not understand, but i can see what you have forgotten.
this will end well.
this will end in the brightest way possible.
and then it will begin again.



...Huh. Thanks, Infi. Pretty cool that he doesn't capitalize, either. I wonder if he can go poet mode.

Oh, that reminds me. I was trying to talk about Chaos earlier.
He legitimately went into "poet mode" last night, when he was with me. He's never done that before, not so sincerely. It was beautiful. I'm so sorry that I can't remember what he said, because I have never heard him handle spoken language so well... the energetic imprint of them has stuck, though. I remember no words, just the feeling they left behind. Somehow that is enough.

I think I'm at that point in the evening where my mind is just too fried to think correctly. This is actually good, because if I play my cards right, I can use this "stuck" feeling to my advantage, and break it off completely, all at once.
There are only two times of day that I ever feel like myself: after a long discussion upstairs, and late at night. In the first, I can tune into my native energy long enough to bring some of it downstairs for a while. In the second, the barrier between here and there is virtually nonexistent.
I'd love to wake up in the morning still in that state of mind. I'm so tired of falling asleep amidst gold-dust honesty and love, only to awaken in ashes and regret. It's completely incongruous, and I don't understand it.
I've hurt a lot of people in the past that way, from what I've been told. I don't want to repeat that, not now that I've tried to sacrifice so much, solely for the hope of a brighter future.

I'm going to go talk to my boss. He helps more than anyone, on nights like this, even if he doesn't say anything. There's a quiet understanding about him that speaks volumes even in the dead of winter, as I try and fail to translate my deepest aches into the paltry vocabulary of human language. He just listens, and understands. He's seen enough to understand everything.

Maybe one day I'll understand all of this, too. But it's not time. Not yet. Not now.
Infinitii told me today that I need to "treasure the mystery of life" more. I've become too used to trying to control things, to protect myself, to find comfort and truth in structure, in order. I've... well, that's kind of the big problem here, isn't it? I've forgotten how to love the chaos of life.

But the song playing in my ears is the same one he sang to me last October, beneath pure blue skies in spite of pain and regret, a week after he broke every damn rule of time and space just to tell me that he loved me.
I owe him one. I owe him one, big time, and I miss the hell out of him, even if I can only discern that truth from the feeble morse-code beats of my heart.

To him, rainbows are a source of hope.
When he looks at me, that's all he sees.
Ten years later, in the face of utter despair, it's still all he sees.

Maybe that's all I need to hold on to.



...And then, suddenly, the moment I look for him, there he is.

You are the mountain to my sky,
the horizon to my sunrise,
the rainbow to my storm.
My love, my darling, my anchor to the world...
Be always well.

Every time. Every single time, you are always there, how could I ever...

I love you too. I love you so much, I never stopped, I swear to you. I am so sorry.

Thank you for not giving up on me.
...Hell, that goes for everyone, who am I kidding.

Let's try this again, shall we?






I'm in love with the world today
And I want to give myself for all of you
I want to be the one you can count on
Even in our darkest day

We are seeing, feeling, mystical things

And we are beautiful
And we are worth it all
And we are living, breathing

I want to tell you all, you mean everything to me
And we are always one even when we disagree
There is something magical here
Even when we don't believe

We are loving, bleeding, conscious things

And we are beautiful
Aand we can change the world
And we are living, breathing

We are loving
bleeding
conscious
things.