110924

Nov. 9th, 2024 10:31 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Well. We woke up this morning and it suddenly hit me as I looked at & felt this new body, that it's FEMALE. it has parts. And it might start bleeding again. And I can't cope with that. This is destroying me. THIS is the BIGGEST PROBLEM that we've been AVOIDING & SUPPRESSING this ENTIRE TIME but now it's UNAVOIDABLE and I'm... they asked if I felt like hurting myself and it took EVERYTHING in me NOT to say YES. The immediate instinct was to effectively "REROUTE THE BLOOD." But that wouldn't fix the actual nightmare. I DON'T WANT TO BE A WOMAN. I DON'T IDENTIFY AS FEMALE. I'M NOT A GIRL!! That's the bottom line. I've/ we've been saying that for ALMOST 25 YEARS at LEAST. And we CAN'T SHAKE IT. The body has become a living hell AGAIN and we're losing our will to live. The "only hope" is to... well. "Starve it again." That's the kneejerk response. Starve it so it stops. OR, "exercise until you become MASCULINE." I'm so angry/ scared/ sad. I feel BETRAYED. I WANT to feel safe in this body BUT THIS WILL NEVER BE SAFE and MY RELIGION SAYS I CAN'T DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT. This is the HEAVIEST POSSIBLE CROSS for me and it's LITERALLY KILLING ME and I'm afraid it's SUPPOSED TO DO and that is TERRIFYING. This feels like it's MURDERING ALL MY DREAMS.
✳ WE CANNOT SEE A FUTURE FOR OURSELF IN THIS BODY. We NEVER COULD, even as a child. That's ALWAYS been the death sentences. And now we "can't run." So what do we do? Honestly I don't want to revert to cruelly self-abusive behavior SOLELY because I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ABUSIVE PERSON. But I have to admit, I DO WANT TO "PUNISH" THIS FAT FEMALE FORM BY STARVING IT. It's genuinely a violent rage. Maybe it's symbolic. I WANT the femininity to EAT ITSELF ALIVE so it STOPS DEVOURING ME. I want to CUT OFF ALL ITS PARTS. You remember how CANNON was in college? How ANGRY & AGGRESSIVE she was? THIS IS WHY. AND WE'RE FEELING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. Except right now we're "TRAPPED." We're FORCED to keep eating and FOOD IS MAKING US FEMININE. I literally "HATE myself" for having been drinking so much m*lk, because it's SEX FOOD. WHY DIDN'T WE REALIZE THAT??? Was it a survival skill, to blind ourselves to the reality & its consequences? Just like Iscah. WELL HERE WE ARE AGAIN, FACING THE TRAUMATIC CONSEQUENCES, with NO CHOICE but to "RELAPSE" IN ORDER TO LIVE. God I hate this. WE HAVE TO LOSE THE FAT GIRLINESS ASAP. If we BULK UP & TONE UP it should KILL THE CURVES and if we DROP BACK DOWN TO ~105 we SHOULD... no, even I know that's too low. The ONLY reason we're still idealizing low body weight is because it GIVES US FLAT EDGES. It gives us SHARP CORNERS. BUT now we can either have THAT, or SOLID MUSCLE, and I'd MUCH RATHER HAVE THE LATTER. So we MUST BEGIN HEAVY DUTY WEIGHTLIFTING IMMEDIATELY. If we CAN'T join the gym YET, then GET THOSE APPS FOR HOME WORKOUTS & DO THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes it'll hurt & be difficult at first: we're weak & bloated & stiff from EIGHT WEEKS in an inpatient setting. BUT we'll have about SIX WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS and BY 2025 we MIGHT HAVE HOPE AT LAST. We just have to WORK OUR ASS OFF. So this means SCHEDULE SHIFTS. If we're going to be FOCUSING ON EXERCISE, then we have to GET A VOICE RECORDER to take notes WHILE walking/ hiking, GET WIRELESS HEADPHONES for the gym, and PUT THE LEAGUEFILES ON OUR PHONE so we can READ (LISTEN?) TO THEM CONSTANTLY & refresh our memory & inspiration AT LAST. And of COURSE we have SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS for not only workouts in general, but for EACH LEAGUEWORLD. So THERE'S YOUR HOPE. FIX THIS CURSED BODY & PLEASE DON'T LET IT KILL YOUR DREAMS. IT CAN CHANGE and we WILL CHANGE IT and the BAD PARTS WILL SHRINK and IT WON'T EVER BLEED AGAIN GOD PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON US.

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✳ Talking about food/ planning meals/ etc. STILL MAKES US AGGRESSIVELY ANGRY??? "We don't want to think about it." We're SO TIRED OF FOOD. And we HATE LUXURY/ OVERCOMPLICATING THINGS. We want to get a BASIC, SIMPLE, EASY PREP, NUTRITIOUS grocery list and just do the SAME for meals. NO FUSS. We have a LIFE TI LIVE. Food is just fuel, NOT focus. SIMPLIFY. I think THAT'S why we "hate being asked"-- because we DON'T plan meals. We just eat simple food. What is there to talk about? ALSO I think it STILL FEELS INVASIVE-- like WHY do you want to know what I'm eating? That registers as "personal information" for some reason. Is it because "eating" still feels disturbingly sexual in too many contexts? Food becomes part of this body; someone wanting to know WHAT food literally feels like molestation somehow. God I'm so tired of this. Eating STILL HURTS, too; it makes us feel ill & nauseous & wrong. Feeling THINGS INSIDE OUR BODY is scary. Feeling our own skin suffocating itself is terrifying. It all feels like rape. I'm so tired. I want to only eat SIMPLE, SMALL MEALS. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE A "PRETTY, PETITE, THIN WOMAN"!!! THAT'S ABHORRENT TO ME. I'm so sorry. I'll never be able to stop being so prejudiced until I stop condemning myself for being biologically female. And I have to stop hating femininity in order to stop hating FOOD, I think, because I ASSOCIATE THE TWO. It's ALL CONNECTED.

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Morning headspace experience notes for the sake of not forgetting this.

✳ Julie COLOR REVERTING. "I don't want to go back to how I was either" (BODY association)
✳ LYNNE "BLOODLINE?" holding the "ideal" adult expectation BUT NOT PHYSICALLY!!
✳ BRIDGET & MISSY = the REASON Blue & Green are STILL EMPTY? Julie affecting YELLOW?
✳ Realizing INFI held a LOT of this female-body fear, ESPECIALLY with that SEWED-UP WOUND & THE "SPHERE"
Tar attack = "adult woman" yellow? beehive hair? exaggerated parts. Laurie took an axe to her neck but it STUCK; she turned her axe-blade GOLD & it cut through.
↑ Tar-woman's body melted into Tar; Laurie has GOLD in her boots too?? I think Julie pointed this out. (This means that Laurie can now do critical "stomp damage" if it tries to evade her attacks on ground level)
Tar "flood" stopped by LEON who was up on a ledge; he shot several gold bullets down into it. Scalpel was with him. Leon warped to ground floor, asked what is happening? Solemn, shaken.
✳ Laurie asked Scalpel about his weapons? He has "flat razors," BIG ones that "fold out." (This was a bit surprising-- wouldn't he have an actual scalpel? or a scalping knife?-- but actually we think he's holding "residue" from CNC; he's still deeply unstable from that time period as he was born in it; he hasn't fully "separated his identity" from who he "had to be" back then)
✳ Tar flood return, WRECKAGE appeared and GRABBED it?? Actually "rolled it up" into a ball & crushed it, flung it aside. (HER WHOLE BODY HOLDS GOLD??)
Tarburn lingering on her hands. Knife showed up instantly & kissed her palms, cleared it up. We were worried about him now; but Julie marched over & purposefully kissed him & that cleared it. Knife was concerned for her in return but Julie said "if anyone is going to have Tar on (in?) them, it's me." (??)
✳ WE REALLY FELT INFINITII'S ABSENCE. NO ONE ELSE CAN "TRANSMUTE" BLACK ENERGY.
Is/ was Infi's daemon role ALSO TIED TO THIS ISSUE??? (GENDER + OUR BODY)
↑ CERISE CANNOT HOLD THIS. "Sensuality" MUST BE KEPT PURE/ NONSEXUAL OR IT WILL DIE.
WHAT IS YELLOW. WHY DOES THE TAR USE IT SO MUCH. Is Josephina able to return?? OR is s/he actually VIOLET/ PURPLE anchored (as s/he almost was in the beginning)? DUOTONE POSSIBILITY?
Missy = "accessories/ fashion" & light blue = MIRROR vibe! "Cute/ pretty" obsession; "prissy pettiness"
✳ Bridget = GIRL BULLY. "Bad Katie" introject root?? "Pretty & mean"; DIFFERENT from Missy; more "mature" vibe
✳ Julie was SEXUAL but ABUSIVELY. She MANIFESTED the "cheerleader" stereotype sexual look (busty/ curvy/ tan; emphasis on chest/ bottom/ stomach; feels SO WRONG) (the "lollipop chainsaw" girl is SUCH a dead ringer for the original Julie it's SCARY)
✳ JEZEBEL WAS THE "WHORE." BLACK VS. PINK IS VERY DIFFERENT in terms of sexual abuse/ distortion.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY FACELESS 'FONI WITH THIS ISSUE.
Jewel was cheering me up by reading the first letters of the emotion lists as words
✳ Laurie said my "internal form" is still a mess. It's only feeling "resonant" with PRISM right now??
✳ HOW DOES THE JAY BLOODLINE PLAY INTO ALL THIS.
✳ Btw THIS ISSUE IS CRUSHING OUR ATTEMPTS TO "OWN/ IDENTIFY WITH" THE BODY. WHEN WE SHARE THE EFFORT & LIVE FROM OUR HEART, WE CAN HANDLE THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. THE BODY ISN'T A "CONSTANT" IN FORM SO DON'T GET ATTACHED TO IT OR ANCHOR TO IT THAT WAY. LET THE BLEPOFONI & SOCIALS DO THEIR JOBS TOO! GOD MADE YOU MULTIPLE SO LET US BE OUR IDENTITY ACROSS THE BOARD!!


111523

Nov. 15th, 2023 10:38 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

5 hours of sleep buddy!!

Feeling oddly moved to ask for Saint Albert's intercession. Unexpected fondness towards him. Perhaps we really do need his particular help. Never ignore such loving nudges.

Homily tied both reading & Gospel together= Everything we have is a gift from God, so SAY THANK YOU!! Seriously, we should go through life with a consistent attitude of gratitude-- I'd even say we're OBLIGATED to, by Justice! But cultivating gratitude is also a means of mercy: to be ungrateful is a truly deadly sin, one that deforms & hardens the heart. But it's so easy to combat. We just need to become like children, so freely & readily thanking God for everything from bumblebees to particle physics, and so willing to trust His Goodness as a Father even when life gets scary and incomprehensible to us... but not to Him.
Gratitude keeps our sights set on eternity. Gratitude keeps us aware of Divine Purpose in even the most humdrum moments of our day. Gratitude crushes despair underfoot. It's a powerful weapon of grace. Use it!

Praying the Glorious Mysteries felt notably transcendent today.
I honestly think it's credit entirely to the Flame of Love. I've only been saying those prayers for three days, but I've known of it for YEARS, and it was only on Sunday when my heart was finally able & willing to say yes. "Yes, I am embracing this at last. Bring me into this Flame." And believe me I can FEEL a difference already. It's small but massive. Lord keep me committed, keep me consecrated!! This is no "test run"; nothing about religion is EVER done so casually! It's secular modernism that blithely "experiments" and "tries things out," with no sense of loyalty or purpose or direction. They are blind explorers, unable to see what they're missing because they don't have the eyes of faith TO see it. Because faith sees TRUTH, and she plants her flag, and she settles down. She she puts down her roots, pours her foundations, builds her home, and rejoices in the land... and THEN she "goes out exploring" to INVITE OTHERS TO IMMIGRATE. It's an entirely different mindset. But I digress.
I recognized, thanks to the Holy Spirit speaking to me through Mark Mallett, that the Flame of Love movement IS TRUE. It is genuinely of God, and entirely for His Glory. It is a GIFT of IMMENSE GRACE given to our time SPECIFICALLY, to directly counteract the terrorism of Satan and to transform the Church through a New Pentecost of Divine Charity. I know so little about the details yet, but I know the basics, and I am actively learning more, as the Spirit leads me. I read them seriously & earnestly, and I ask the Holy Spirit for guidance & an open heart, and I ask Mary Our Mother for her help & humility, and I don't chicken out or back down. I can't. To do so now, having seen, would be a grave sin.
But obedience is its own consolation & confirmation. There is s very real, particular, quiet joy that comes from cooperation with God's Word, despite all human doubt & confusion & hesitancy. The Rosary feels deeper & brighter than ever now. I take no credit whatsoever. This is Mary kindling that Flame in my heart at last.

We're getting better at saying the Seven Sorrows Chaplet too. We're saying it as a System, as well as we can-- we have different emotions & perspectives, so we're able to understand different Sorrows that others can't.

...

Razwell needs to have his function SUBLIMATED!!
He needs to REROUTE offensive jokes to HONOR GOD.

Missy & Bridget ALSO need sublimation if they're still embodied.
⭐OH DUDE WAIT UP, IF CENTRAL IS "THE ELDERS" IS THAT WHY GREEN & BLUE ARE STUCK EMPTY???? DO THEY FIT THERE???
⭐Also, WALDORF. She's a "MUSE," not a "headvoice", in the ancient jargon. Her Spectrum role MUST BE CLARIFIED.
⭐LOOK FOR YELLOWS.

...

Evening =
ARE discussion; ADMITTED our "bitterness" over how poorly we experienced Confirmation
Scrupulosity mention, specifically CALLED ME OUT
"Fear of God" big debate. I prayed about it & was moved to speak at the end.

DAD VISIT!!!!! ❤❤❤

Went straight to bed son

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Universalis bits=

""For power is a gift to you from the Lord, sovereignty is from the Most High; He Himself will probe your acts and scrutinise your intentions"... [this is] a strong statement of the responsibility of those who rule, and of their need of divine Wisdom. As rule is given them by God, they will be responsible to God for their administration of His kingdom. Jesus of course teaches that rulers are at the service of those they rule."
This whole first reading actually hit me hard PERSONALLY.
I don't think of myself as having "power" at all, but... then last night happened, and suddenly I was in a place of actual power over people. And I didn't even realize that, nor the gravity of it, at the time.
...

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THE OUR FATHER IS ENTIRELY EUCHARISTIC!!!
"Our Father" = in the Eucharist we partake of "the family meal" of God, which we can only do AS His Children, which we only ARE because of Christ
...
...
"Our daily Bread" =:IS the Eucharist Itself
"Forgive us our debts" = is what the Cross accomplished, that Perfect Sacrifice that is made Present in every Eucharist
"...as we forgive our debtors" = "Father forgive them..." and "we are all ONE BODY in Christ VIA the Eucharist"; "whoever loves God MUST love others also."
"Lead us not into temptation" = receiving the Eucharist cleanses us of venial sin & imparts grace to resist further sins
"Deliver us from evil" = the Eucharistic Sacrifice destroyed the power of the devil


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System talk about the Anima Christi
Asking Knife about the Blood, what would inebriation mean?
He immediately said the Blood "is His LIFE." To be inebriated with the Blood of Christ means to be saturated with His Life, to take it so completely into ourselves that it flows in our very veins. It means to, quite actually, be "drunk" with the ardor & unity of it. The Saints frequently use this very language of the Holy Spirit.
It's so hard to phrase, though, speaking in recollection & as a typist. The real data is IN Knife's heart, in knowing intuitively, not by data recall like I get. It doesn't translate.

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Ttywpf = PATRON SAINTS!!
Very fitting as today's ARE is about Confirmation, AND it's during the novena to Saint Cecelia!
"Be aware of the companionship of the whole Church and also the communion of the saints on this mission. When we face challenges together, then we are strong; we discover resources we did not know we had. Jesus did not call the apostles to live in isolation; He called them to form a group, a community."
It's utterly bizarre how we NEVER REALIZED THIS.
...

"Have you chosen a saint to be a friend, patron, model, and intercessor for you? Learn more about that saint this week, and ask him or her to help you with specific challenges you're facing now."
The ONLY Saints I can say we HAVE actually chosen in this regard are Saint Dismas and Saint Mary of Egypt.
...


ALSO we missed yesterday but it is important enough to demand recognition today too=
"The devil is... a being that opted not to accept the plan of God... His fruits are always destruction: division, hate, and slander. [He is working] every time that I am tempted to do something that is not what God wants for me. I believe that the devil exists. Maybe his greatest achievement in these times has been to make us believe that he does not exist... Do you believe that the devil exists? In what area of your life is he trying to tempt you? How are you fighting this temptation? Trust in God that he will help you to choose His plan over the devil's."
1) OPT OUT
2) BAD FRUIT
3) GOD'S WILL. We must know it and Do it! And scarily, in ever single situation, whatever ISN'T God's will IS THE DEVIL'S WILL.
4) Disbelief fuels devil power
5) Our temptations: they go against God's Plan
6) How are we fighting?
7) CHOOSE God's Plan. Because the devil HAS A PLAN TOO!! No randomness, no neutrality!!


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VOTD = Real talk by the lovely NONA JONES about Psalm 147: how God has the power to heal even our most traumatic heartbreaks.
We had to stop & think about this for a minute. What counts as heartbreak, truly? Why is it so hard to tell? Is it because our heart is currently so numbed, drugged by depersonalization?
Trauma doesn't register as heartbreak. Neither does any sort of general suffering.
All temporal loss-- the loss of the Leaguefile, the loss of our friendships in SLC & CNC, our parents getting divorced, our siblings drifting away... that's all heartache, but bizarrely, it never broke?
The ONLY thing that we can actively say broke our heart is death.
We were heartbroken when grandpa died and we weren't there.
We were heartbroken when grandma was dying and we weren't there.
And that's about it.
And we're scared because it feels SO SELFISH.
...


"Whether it’s a fractured relationship, shattered expectations, or the loss of a loved one or dream, brokenness hurts."
Is THAT our problem? Was nothing ever solid enough TO be broken? Were we shooting our soul up with novocaine?
Our relationships "never fractured," because they were never solid. EVER. We were never "actually" anyone's friend; we were either a "pity buddy" or a "placeholder."
...
Our expectations never "shattered," because they were too easily denied & reformed whenever such breakage was a risk OR reality. I immediately think of those first few minutes in CNC, how we actively overrode our survival terror because "we aren't allowed to be afraid, or to NOT want this." So our expectations for something safe, something hopeful, something other than the ghastly actuality were immediately anesthetized.
...
Similarly, but notably different in another aspect, our "dreams" never "shattered" BUT they were literally lost.
...
And then we have the loss of loved ones. That is the ONLY thing that hurt. WHY. AND WHY IS IT SO EGOTISTIC????
...

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A huge thought from the VOTD=
THE LEAGUE CAN TEACH US EMPATHY.
We hear people taking about suffering, sorrow, joy, and hope that THEY have and we DON'T and we cannot feel anything??? And its disturbing. Without personal experience, we find it difficult to "empathize" at ALL-- but when we HAVE experienced such a similar thing, we struggle to detach it from our own personal life; we feel like either we must SHARE THAT EXACT EXPERIENCE with the other person, or one of us is INVALID. It's a bizarrely Systemesque way of thinking: either we are in this together, or it doesn't happen at all.
Why is this?? (Type about it on laptop much more)
HOWEVER!!! Just like with the E.D. THE LEAGUE CAN BYPASS THIS as it is THIRD PERSON!!!
If someone in the LEAGUE has experienced what this person is telling us about, even if we've never personally experienced such a thing-- we can UNITE OUR HEART WITH THE LEAGUEPERSON, and in that very unity we CAN EMPATHIZE!!!
Practice this, SERIOUSLY.
It feels like it is going to be ABSOLUTELY INDISPENSABLE FOR BOTH OUR COLLECTIVE TRAUMA HEALING AND OUR CAPACITY TO LIVE AS A PERSON IN SOCIETY.

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I really want to think about the guided prayer, because it actually fits perfectly into the VOTD:
"God, thank You for giving me a firm foundation to build my life on. I know that no matter what storms come my way, You love me and will give me everything I need. Please help me to continue finding new ways to grow closer to You."
1) God GIVES. That's always the first focus. We do not earn, or merit, or deserve. We don't even ask, because we don't even realize we need. But God GIVES. That's a constant. It's His Character. 
2) What does He give? A firm foundation. This is something that CANNOT be broken, or fractured, or shattered, or lost.
3) It is a foundation-- it is not meant to stand alone and inert! This is actually a gift of HOPE, of PROMISE even, because you only lay a foundation in order TO BUILD UPON IT!
4)
...


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Some fascinating bits from ARE Catechism & Scripture study on Confirmation, starting at Isaiah 11:2 where the Gifts are originally listed =
""a spirit of counsel [or “strategy”] and strength"... the point is that he will have the strength/ability to execute the plans/strategies he devises."
This is so encouraging; it means that whenever the Spirit gives us a "battle strategy" in our daily battles against sin, we never need to fear any inability on our part-- because we're not using our own strength to obey, but the spiritual might-- the Fortitude-- gifted by the same Spirit, TO carry out His Counsel! God does not give us impossible orders; He ALWAYS provides the means, by grace, to do what He wills.

"“a spirit of knowledge and fear of the Lord.” “Knowledge” is used here in its covenantal sense and refers to a recognition of God’s authority and a willingness to submit to it. “Fear” here refers to a healthy respect for God’s authority which produces obedience. Taken together, the two terms emphasize the single quality of loyalty to the Lord. This loyalty guarantees that he will make just legal decisions and implement just policies."
I kept that last bit about justice because again it is EXACTLY what today's first reading was about! Justice is always ultimately directed towards God, even in human politics, because "He who loves God MUST love his neighbor, " again-- and if you love God you WILL be loyal to Him: "If you love Me, keep my Commandments"! And these Commandments ARE the Covenant terms, both in the OT & NT: you must love God with all you have & are, and you must love your neighbor as yourself. And this Love IS "Covenantal knowledge," because the Covenantal use MARITAL LANGUAGE and the knowledge is RELATIONAL. It is utterly unique TO the Covenant context; no one can EVER know God outside of it. On the other hand, as a Covenant, it is also not a situation of equals. We enter into it on the very explicit terms that GOD IS GOD, and we belong to Him.
...I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I'm uneducated in this regard so I must humbly cease talking.
I'm pondering "knowledge." We usually use it to refer to scientific discovery and awareness of physical facts. But what is science, if not the gradual revelation OF God's Authority? We see laws everywhere; we see patterns & numbers & intricate elegant harmonies down to the very atoms and quarks of things. We see how all of Creation amazingly exists as a whole, how it makes sense, and can be understood (within mortal limits) by intelligent minds. Therefore God's Authority is apparent even in Science. And even more obviously, we have the natural moral law within every human heart! THIS is what all knowledge leads to: the knowledge that there IS a God, that He IS the Authority over All, and that what we can feebly grasp of Him through our mortal knowledge is still so noble, so true, so beautiful, that we want to submit to Him; we are aware, however dimly, of how Perfect and Righteous He Is, essentially in contrast to our insurmountable weakness & folly, and we want to obey Him. We then rejoice at being subject to His Law, recognizing its supreme Goodness, and that inspired joy naturally causes obedience... just as naturally as we, once blessed with this knowledge, will commit ourselves to justice for the sake of the Lord. Our just acts become purified, free of egotism, when they are done as a loyal response to the ultimate Justice we see in the Greatest Authority. Et Cetera. I've exhausted my brain.



prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Breakfast = cheese omelet, apple cinnamon muffin w/ butter, an ORANGE, soymilk, cinnamon tea, coffee, & 3 creamers.

+ Oranges are ONLY SCARY IN THAT THEY'RE SUPER MESSY and MUST be directly eaten WITH MESSY HANDS! There is no clean way to peel or cut OR eat an orange, haha. The juice gets EVERYWHERE. And that utter humiliation, that "piggish ineptitude" and dirtiness and mess, is SO, SO DIFFICULT for us to endure; the shame is crushing. Our only hope is in the incredible fact that the taste and association of oranges is PURELY POSITIVE & TIED TO CHILDHOOD SUMMERS!! And us, God bless us, a fiery little spark of a kid, were UNFAZED by the experience of tearing apart a fresh bright orange, gleefully biting right into that vivid color, the juice not seen as mess but of its vitality overflowing in joy. In a prayer for true humility & gratitude & acceptance, we anchored ourself INTO that memory AND state of self, and God carried us through. The whole experience was a wondrous, essential exercise in UNITING our REAL historical past, and our pure child-self, with our PRESENT self, to be HEALED & WHOLE!
A chastisement: DON'T EAT THE PEEL!! An orange isn't an apple! Biting RIGHT into it is a REJECTION of its INHERENT sectioned structure; by NOT peeling & dividing it AS IT IS SPECIALLY MADE TO ALLOW, you DENY its uniquely PROPER form and IMPOSE YOUR OWN IDEA that OPPOSES REALITY!!! Plus, orange oil DOES leave a very bitter, lingering taste/ irritation, probably because you SHOULDN'T BE EATING IT, honestly!
+ The muffin WAS A JOY, shockingly NOT scary at ALL! Even the scent was enjoyable! So whatever "anxiety" we had last week wasn't even applicable anymore today! Thanks be to God! We also had that blessing of butter to add to it today, which instantly reminded us of home, and freshly baked/ buttered ones.
+ I CANNOT GET OVER HOW GOOD THE CINNAMON TEA IS EVEN PLAIN! It's definitely our favorite. And it tastes RED! Get some for home!
+ We're still on the fence about coffee. We treasure its concept & associations & scent, BUT the taste is split-- we like the subtle bitter tone but something about it also doesn't vibe. We'll need to try again tomorrow. Still, sipping it WAS enjoyable. BTW we only took HALF a cup, then after sipping half of that, we filled the rest with soymilk. Weirdly that taste data didn't register? Probably nerves; we were anxious over "is it 'proper' or wise/ prudent to drink it WITH the muffin, or straight?" So we did both but neither registered, unsurprisingly. "Double-mindedness" is IMPURE MOTIVATION and Scripture STRONGLY warns against it! So please, PRAY and then CHOOSE. No vacillating, no fear of commitment, no perfectionism!!! TRUST THE SPIRIT!
+ The cheese omelet did trigger some significant initial anxiety, as the "kneejerk" VISUAL association is still the August binge-hell, and the Pokemon SV "Tumblr corruption" nighttime obsessiveness. Just bad vibes. BUT we can get over that. God can heal us. God alone can remove those associations and fears, and free our heart from that dread and choking regret. We DID get a preview of that hope today, because as I said, that anxiety is VISUAL-- once we taste it, it's CHILDHOOD. And we do enjoy the taste, genuinely. It has inherent salt! You can't taste the distinct yolk, but the whites are clearly detectable in the airiness. I think there might be butter in it too? Either way, the texture is so nice, and we're beginning to like that orange cheese too; it's nicer when softened by the heat & moisture of the omelet. It'll be pure joy soon enough, I'm sure. Pray for that & wait for Sunday morning!! ♥



post-group//

The art lady just said: "NOTHING IS EVER JUST ONE TONE." The light spectrum ITSELF is unitive, inherently plural in tone & harmony-- WHITE LIGHT ITSELF CONTAINS EVERY HUE IN UNITED PERFECTION!! But in OUR Spectrum, we've been forcing monochromaticism, DESPITE EVERYONE HAVING A "COMPLEMENT" IN THEIR OWN SCHEME!!! The OBVIOUS signs of this phenomenon are ANCIENT, too-- Julie NEVER had matching eyes/ hair UNTIL she moved into PINK, and EVEN THEN she kept (AND keeps!!) resonating hard with YELLOW! Laurie is INTRINSICALLY paired with RED; Razor has ALWAYS heavily carried BLACK; even the CORES have FOREVER been RED PLUS WHITE/BLACK. The examples of this phenomenon being ACTUAL BUT OVERLOOKED/ UNACKNOWLEDGED are STAGGERING and EXPLAINS WHY SO MANY "UNSURE"-HUED NOUSFONI GET MORE UNSTABLE BY TRYING TO BE MONOCHROMATIC!!! We have GOT to make an EXTENSIVE list, ASAP-- this could be the KEY to FINALLY getting the Spectrum in a NEW & PROPER working ORDER!!



post-lunch//

Ziti/ sauce/ breaded chicken/ cheese/ parmesan/ dinner roll/ butter/ grape juice/ vanilla ice cream/ tea.

+ I am SHOCKED at how genuinely enjoyable the ziti AND tomato sauce both are, especially with the parmesan (and salt & pepper, too)! Honestly, two weeks ago, ALL THREE of those ingredients TERRIFIED us. Now we're saying extra prayers of gratitude when it's on our plate! THAT'S THE WORK OF GOD. He still does miraculous healings, and we're the blessed proof, unworthy though we are. He's lifting us out of the hell of the eating disorder, ever more day by day, hour by hour even. It's so wonderful. God, thank You for the gift of hope, and for this new life, living FOR YOU. Please preserve & protect us. Please give us grace, patience, absolute trust in You, and a humble heart. Help us to heal ever more deeply.
+ The chicken parm tasted like family dinners, & was lovely. Don't even nibble the breading off separately! (We didn't "stack" the cheese either!)
+ Dinner roll & butter still perfect. Grape juice is ENJOYABLE now! Oh-- today we really paid attention & it tastes like the PEEL, too, not just the clear juice-- an obvious visual fact we still never considered! Fully tasting that & tapping memory, we found... the CHILDHOOD GARDEN GRAPES!! ♥
+ The vanilla ice cream has such an interesting & nice texture! It's not "icy" like the store-tub ones, or hard. It's nice, gently sweet and melting around the edges without getting watery. We're learning to both like and appreciate desserts, now-- and rightfully so, because remember the raisins in the OT? "Go, eat rich foods & drink sweet drinks," to rejoice in the LORD and on His holy days? He INVENTED sweetness-- or perhaps more accurately, the tangible phenomenon OF sweetness only exists because it EMANATES from Him, the SOURCE of all we consider sweet, AND the ultimate destination/ fulfillment of it. So give thanks for the desserts HE gives you! Enjoy their sweetness and let it lead you closer to Him! ♥ That is our goal with ALL our meals-- "do ALL things for the glory of God!!"



post-dinner//

grilled cheese, potato wedges w/ rosemary, ketchup, salt & pepper, peaches, & a VANILLA SHAKE 'EM UP!

+ Well, we tried again, but grilled cheese does NOT go with ketchup!! It's WAY too acidic. Now we know. Other than that misjudgment, the sandwich was a joy. It will forever make us think of grandma. ♥ Just remember-- that cheese is on THICK and the crust is CHEWY so give it time, take SMALL BITES, and DON'T RUSH!! Relax and gratefully enjoy the gift of it.
+ The potatoes are cooked in a way that preserves their moisture so they're soft and NOT STARCHY, just dense. It's SO NICE. They're perfect with just s&p, but we can't remember ketchup combo data again, probably due to anxiety over its loud vinegar bite jarring with the cheese earlier. Ah well. We'll get another shot. Still, without it, they were lovely, and yet another dear reminder of grandma.
+ Speaking of grandma... today we got PEACHES, the exact kind Cioci Ann used to buy for her in the glass bottles. Honestly, realizing that is making our heart ache in the best way. It feels like she's smiling down on us in a special way today. I love you too, grandma! ♥ For the record, peaches are "scary in concept" (TBAS) but not in experience! Canned ones have the COOLEST TEXTURE. Fresh ones do too!
+ THAT SHAKE 'EM UP HAD 31 GRAMS OF SUGAR but we said "OBEDIENCE UNTO DEATH," poured half into our tea and CHUGGED it. Courage! No time for anxiety! So that worked. We did taste about ⅓ plain and it's unusual! It's more watery than a milkshake, leans blue not yellow, but doesn't taste like the other sweet dairy because it's mostly MILK PROTEIN. So it has a slight "whey powder" flavor to it. It's not bad, but it's not something we'd pick out, as it were. It is at is is. But we WANT to be sincerely grateful for it, so next time it's an our tray we WON'T chug it, haha. We'll trust God's judgment & protection, and really experience it AS a gift. By the way-- that fear of sugar in general? Remember that WE DIDN'T GET A "SUGAR RUSH" AFTER DRINKING IT! God is good!! The protein & fat probably acted as a buffer. See? God takes care of you! So don't be afraid. "Shake OFF" your fears, and rejoice in His sweetness and strength together!!



post-snack//

Our usual Cheddar/ Salsa Sun Chip duo. For the record-- we have made SO MUCH PROGRESS here already. We eat them OUT OF THE BAG, not ripping it. We eat them WITH OUR HANDS, not a spoon. We eat them AS WHOLE CHIPS, not biting into them or crumbling them up. We DON'T OBSESS OVER CRUMBS, leaving the inevitable residue in the bag instead of trying to eat every fragment. AND... we AREN'T AFRAID OF GETTING THE CRUMBS & POWDERED CHEESE ON OUR HANDS!!! Yes it's inconvenient & uncomfortable, BUT now we can shrug it off and just... clean our hands afterwards. No guilt or shame meltdowns, just normal innocent "mess" & cleanup. It's as simple as that. But THAT is a LEGIT MIRACLE. And oh we PRAYED SO HARD for this. Oh thank You, our Good and gracious, incomprehensibly merciful and loving God!! Without You we could NEVER heal, OR be clean... but Your Son has washed us in His Blood, and now... we are free to love & worship Him, IN THIS. ♥

 


prismaticbleed: (worried)

post-breakfast//

Good morning beloveds! Let's start today on a solid good note: Breakfast accomplished a LOT today. We got an EGG! (Shoutout to Elsa, haha) Also a bagel & cream cheese, something totally unexpected but perfect for increasing our empathy for others, so to speak. Lots of people enjoy bagels, including our dear brothers, but we've always feared them, due to their intensely dense & doughy texture (dense foods "scare" us a lot; we need to discover the root cause/s of that). Cream cheese, too, is very dense, so we avoided it-- although someone inside that we can't yet identify did have a noted fondness for it; again, we're not sure why. Most likely it's an association with childhood and/or grandma; I feel strong resonance there. But I digress; that's all the accessible information we have right now, as more is only revealed/ discoverable WHILE eating due to the direct sensory input. We weren't aware that cream cheese needed to be delved into as we ate it today. However, it would have been both imprudent & presumptuous to try-- the first "new" exposure to a food on the unit MUST be entirely receptive. We never know what it will trigger, what it will remind us of, what its synaesthetic palette is, what its texture is, etc. There's a LOT of sheer data coming in, all within a distracting, noisy environment AND while under time constraints. So we must be respectful of our own poor brain's mental capacity! One task at a time, and food exposure #1 must always prioritize what we RECEIVE, purely and unreservedly. Jesus WILL and DOES help us with this! He's the ONLY reason breakfast went so well today-- we talked to Him and followed His loving direction the entire time. YES, HE LOVES US and CARES ABOUT OUR HEALTH AND HEALING! He will NEVER belittle or mock or scorn us. He will NEVER laugh at our "unusual" recovery efforts, like gathering food data & memory managing, because HE MADE US and He KNOWS & UNDERSTANDS US and He will SUPPORT, BLESS, PURIFY, and STRENGTHEN those very efforts FOR HIS SAKE, because HE IS Life and Love and Hope, LITERALLY. So, it is His very nature to inspire & promote & protect & sustain those virtues, AND literally every other virtue. You cannot go wrong when you are walking with Him; He MADE both you and the path of life you are traveling. It is GOD Who controls the world and guides your destiny; that truth is the DEEPEST comfort & joy!! He holds it ALL in His Hands, forever, and He cannot ever be overcome or shaken. His sovereign reign is sure. But, in a terrifying paradox, through our free will, we CAN resist it. That's the foundation of hell. DON'T GO THERE. Go where Jesus leads instead-- the Way of the Cross, of charity & joyfully willing obedience even unto death!!
Now. As for our healing. We also got soymilk. And we sipped it slow & dived in to meet that girl. She's NOT Hoban-- Hoban is similarly depressed, but more distantly, and she is LOCKED ENVIRONMENTALLY into the school she's named for! That revealed to us, shockingly so, that this soymilk girl IS TOO. She's aware that she has to go to school, and go to work, BUT SHE DOESN'T. That's a MASSIVE revelation! She is, specifically, LOCKED INTO THE KITCHEN. We honestly didn't realize that SPATIAL ENVIRONMENT LOCKS were a thing, but now that we do, they explain SO MUCH of social function splitting-- it's the same reason why we can't pass through doorframes or windows in dreams. Every marked "division" of space with a "portal" like that FORCES a context shift, and rightly so!! And nousfoni, being hyperspecialized by nature, CANNOT preserve function integrity upon such a shift; they MUST SWITCH AS WELL. That fact opens up SO much potential for memory unlocking & Spectrum discovery, because it means that EACH space WILL be exclusive, and all its anchored nousfoni will ALSO be as exclusive: kitchen nousfoni CANNOT survive properly outside the kitchen, and ALL kitchen memories/ triggers/ vibes/ etc. WILL be tied TO one of such nousfoni-- who should ALL be, inevitably, SOCIALS. Their Spectrum has GOT to be a LOT bigger than it originally was assumed to be as a result-- it's not just Brown! Heck, we think now that Brown's entire function ITSELF has changed-- it MIGHT even now be mapped as a SUBTONE BANK like Pastels??? We are SO EXCITED to discover more about this as God reveals it to us. We have real hope for healing with this. But yes! The soymilk girl is locked into the kitchen spatially, BUT she STILL experiences the COLLECTIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL AMBIENCE, another "new" Social phenomenon that is explaining so much. What that means for her specifically-- and especially, as she is the one who revealed this phenomenon to us THROUGH her experience of it-- is that although she personally may not-- and indeed will NEVER-- experience school or work or even abuse, WE ALL SHARE A BRAIN AND A BODY AND THAT AFFECTS ALL OF US. So SHE WAS FEELING THE PSYCHO-EMOTIONAL AMBIENCE OF HER FELLOW SOCIALS-- notably the ones in the most immediate context to her: our school Socials and our job Socials. She felt THEIR dread & depression & exhaustion, as if it were in the very air. She was haunted by their ghosts, and her heart ached in unconscious communion with theirs. And now, tapping into her memorysphere, WE felt it too. It was honestly shocking. There she was, in the early morning, the dawn still indigo blue outside, the kitchen stove light on & dim. She stood in front of the microwave, pouring vanilla soymilk into a bowl of cornflakes. But she wasn't physically alone, which blew our mind. Anchored just as solidly in that memory was OUR DAD, sitting at the bar & watching the morning news. He's eating something, but only conceptually-- we can't see it. He seems upset, depressed. So are we. His presence alone is a MASSIVE milestone, as it is PROOF that this memory is in 2007!! Which, also, is a shock-- we timestamp the Spectrum's birth/ awakening as 2008, yes, BUT!! APPARENTLY THE SOCIALS EXISTED MUCH EARLIER & WE NEVER KNEW. So yeah. Proof of a long-suspected truth. Nevertheless, that wasn't our goal or the point of visiting her today. We met her there to share her pain, to know & understand it, to show her TANGIBLY that she was SEEN & LOVED & CARED FOR & SUPPORTED, that she wasn't alone-- ever-- and that it was possible to heal, at last, together. So we stood with her & felt her pain together and THAT is what taught us everything I just wrote about. THAT alone is a huge revelation: that such astronomically vital revelations could, do, and will come from pure compassion. And that sharing of self & scars, that communion across chronospheres, was miraculous as well-- it planted genuine seeds of hope in her heart, soothed her misery, gave her hope, and broke the barriers of her spatial-lock to allow us in. All of our hearts opened up from this effort. Now we UNDERSTAND her context and WHY her memory-triggers hurt so melancholocally. They still ache, yes, but now it's bittersweet; now there's hope, the knowledge that her limited existence (until now!) HAS a purpose, HAS a future, HAS its proper and vital place in the Spectrum's history as a whole. And she can live, knowing that the soymilk isn't al there is. That's... so, so important. I wonder how it will change tomorrow, that food data? And what it will feel like when it heals? ALSO!! What about multiple resonances? We get that with a LOT of other foods, especially childhood ones... BUT we've never known all this about the Socials before. THEY'VE never known that they are part of a "WE" before. They don't know that their chronospheres are PERMEABLE by love, or that their lives have PURPOSE and CAN continue NOW. What I'm trying to say is: even IF we find other nousfoni tied to soymilk in experiential memories, they don't know us OR EACH OTHER. ...Yet. What IF they met each other? Could they? SHOULD they? It's a massive new world of possibility for both healing & integration (of our shattered past) that we MUST pray about. That is, arguably, the MOST important step to take in this entire process: we must pray. Always & everywhere, before & during & about everything, we NEED to pray, because the SOLE source of ALL success-- AND healing AND wisdom AND love-- is GOD. HE must be our ultimate goal & guide in this entire process. Please, remember that. We exist FOR HIM, not us. Soli Deo Gloria, amen.


post-lunch//



This one was an ADVENTURE, and ANOTHER milestone. I want to write about it thoroughly enough without exhausting myself, so we might resort to archivist datalogging instead of "journalist" wordiness. Here's the basics: we got a hamburger & whole milk, w/ ketchup & relish, 2 teas & 2 creamers, salt & pepper. Now of course a burger-- being such a common American & childhood food-- is GUARANTEED to carry multiple resonances. And it did-- VERY unexpected ones, tied to different textures & flavors within the same meal! Which is FASCINATING. That's why we like to stick to solo-ingredient consumption: mixing those data input triggers can be absolutely overwhelming, both mentally & emotionally-- or, it cancels itself out into empty noise. Both are horrible. But yes. The memories/ resonances this burger revealed to us were very educational & informative, but most importantly, we were able to IMMEDIATELY jump into them and do SIGNIFICANT healing IN REAL TIME-- well, within their chronospheres & resospheres, of course. But it was HUGE. The resonances we got were:
1) McDonalds birthday party burger. 9-10-11 age? Conglomerate? Upset by noise, rushing, kids partying & her left alone, expectations. She was so anxious. Wanted: to explore the playzone imaginatively, to eat & enjoy her burger at her own pace but also in community, to not feel rushed to open gifts or eat, to not feel trapped far from home, to not feel like she had to perform, for the other kids to share her interests & enjoy her company & all respect each other, for the acknowledgement of God in even that context. // What we did to meet her needs & heal the stress: everyone sat together & prayerfully, slowly, quietly ate, no one with any time limit; moved it to a local McDonalds; other kids also interested in joining & respecting her imaginative play directions as the leader; other kids interested in Pokemon & Tamagotchis & similar likes, and gave them as gifts, all playing & talking together WITHOUT noise or mania; everyone thanked God for meal & company.
2) Dad cooking burgers on the grill: Thornhurst & the "sunfish lake"; latter possibly an artificially constructed "concept memory", not literally real. No trauma, but still lingering "Dad isn't truly happy and I'm nervous/ guilty/ upset about it." That needs to be healed in future. "Fishing" construct tied to the HAT he wore = relish flavor?
3) Grandpa eating on porch; food not seen but anchored to the relish. Memories of pickle/ bologna sandwiches ("from the army") eaten there causing the resonance. The hat grandpa wore tied into previous vibescape. No trauma, no negativity. We don't "like" relish but he LOVED pickles, which we forgot! Tap into that next time; learn to like.
4) Grandma giving us dinner at kitchen bar. Ketchup & beef; hamburg patty. We were very anxious. Why? Just the kitchen?


LUNCH NOTES =
Oliver/ KN healing affected ALL other perceptions.
"They said I would hurt them" self-pity/ loathing loop
BUT "I don't want to be a dog"
AND mother trouble; self-giving never experienced;
Carnivore coping, weeping over cow giving milk/ meat,
"someone wants me to live/ cares for me so much they would give me THEMSELVES to eat"
no longer have to be a predator to survive
oliver & bloody meat = heart/ life connection corruption
SECRET EUCHARIST DESIRE!!
eating meat = compromise for lack of meaningful personal communion

+ Jesus "disobedience" teaching trick; we didn't ask permission for condiments
TRUTH = "Your free will & My plan for you are meant to COOPERATE, never overriding one another. Your picking ketchup will not send you to hell, nor will it frustrate My perfect plans for you. I work WITH you, & you with Me."

- Don't like the relish BUT it keeps resonating with grandpa = he LOVED to eat pickles, remember?? He's tied to ketchup too; he always ate tomato saucy stuff. Love you grandpa!!

+ Milk "smells like a nursery" = "smells like a MOTHER"; still TERRIFYING on some level??? BIG trauma trigger yet. We actually CANNOT overlay a "motherly figure", all those curves. It's one of our few remaining solid terrors, possibly because motherhood is INHERENTLY tied to sex. That topic is still buried & barred-off.


post-dinner//



"WHAT DOESN'T CHALLENGE YOU WILL NOT CHANGE YOU."

This one was rough SOLELY because we overwhelmed ourself beforehand, & disobeyed internal instructions during. It was humbling. But, it is only through humility & brokenness that we CAN truly grow into better people. GOD is the One Who disciplines & corrects us. Take heart.
Lessons we must learn from this:
+ We only have so much emotional & social energy/ "spoons." Obsessive journaling and extensive talking/ socializing quickly causes BURNOUT.
+ We had to unearth & disclose a LOT of trauma data today, and DIDN'T RECUPERATE. Instead we went to 2 successive groups, depleting our mental reserves & further exacerbating trauma symptoms, like dissociation & compulsive people-pleasing & manic threats. It was lethal to our internal well-being. When trauma is triggered, TAKE TIME TO COPE!!! NO SOCIALIZING. NO EXCEPTIONS. Staying externally oriented PREVENTS recovery & processing. We MUST go inside to calm down & PRAY until we are back in a safe space again.
+ When you get an external synchronistic warning, LISTEN TO IT. The devil's number was on BOTH Bingo cards-- so why didn't you STOP???
+ When you get an internal direction about a meal, LISTEN TO IT!!! We had a turkey sandwich, rosemary potatoes, & grape juice. The direction CLEARLY & REPEATEDLY told us to eat the sandwich first, but we stupidly argued our way out of it, claiming it would be "better enjoyed eaten last," and did so against orders. And WE WERE VERY WRONG. We forgot that eating potatoes solo gives us a GLUCOSE SPIKE, causing horrific anxiety attacks & tremors. Eating the sandwich first would've helped prevent that w/ the protein & fat. God, forgive our foolish & proud resistance to You!!
+ Due to mental overload, we began 5 minutes late as we were dissociating, which ALSO destroyed our first 5 minuts of meal data because our addled brain TUNED OUT and was smothering conscious input by listening to the trivia & stories. And there's NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG with those things-- it was actually really sweet to be able to hear everyone openly sharing parts of their lives, talking about education & family & music, geography & psychology & art & work & babies! And the trivia itself is actually an opportunity for gratitude to God by the same token-- it is little bits of data about this wondrous world God created & our collective human experience, both of which God protects & sustains & guides & directs. So each trivium CAN be prayerfully used as a spark for praise, IF we aren't wickledly judgmental & proud!! BUT. There is a time & a place. When we begin a meal, whether or not we detect dissociation, our attention MUST BE CONSCIOUSLY FIXED ON CHRIST. Say grace MINDFULLY, talking TO Him, NOT at or about Him only. And then ASK HIM TO GUIDE & HELP US. Then LISTEN to His loving response and OBEY HIS DIRECTION!!! He can only lead you on the BEST path!!!
+ Because of that dissociation, we blacked out ALL the ketchup & potato data. When we realized this, we panicked & asked GRANDPA for help INSTEAD OF JESUS at first. We noticed that too & were deeply ashamed. But God bless Grandpa; his response WAS to direct me TO Jesus instead, and I did, humbly & instantly.
+ We had MORAL PANIC over our rebellious potato mistake, plus the ketchup void mistake. As I mentioned, it triggered a GENUINE ANXIETY ATTACK. We felt like we had done something truly disgusting & meriting of shame & sharp chastisement, something we were awfully ashamed of & could not fix. ...but. We brought this fear to Jesus. We confessed our failure & begged His help & peace. And do you know what He said? "Do you see? Through humble repentance & trust in My mercy & love, I can transform even this mistake into an opportunity for us to grow even closer, and to teach you important lessons you could not have learned otherwise."
When the panic hit, the bulimia symptoms returned. That was TERRIFYING, but I am still thanking God for it, BECAUSE it revealed a breach in the wall-- a chink in our armor, as it were. We assumed, rather immaturely, that if we just "changed spatial context" we'd be fine. NOPE! AMBIENT PAIN! We just learned that today, though, but this was CONFIRMING PROOF nevertheless. One misstep, one trigger, ONE taste of our collective ache, and no matter WHO is up front, if we aren't healed enough-- which we aren't yet-- THEY WILL SWITCH OUT FOR AN UNSTABLE PAIN HOLDER. So when we panicked over food, the IMMEDIATE physiological reaction was, "we made a mistake in eating this, therefore it is WRONG, therefore it counts as POISON, therefore it will HURT US SEVERELY/ UNFIXABLY, therefore IN ORDER TO BOTH SURVIVE & ATONE, WE MUST VOMIT IT OUT OF OUR BODY. THEN we'll be safe." And our body PREPARES to! It's actually INSTINCTIVE by now, especially since it's tied to survival fear. The feeling is horrible. But the point is: IT HAPPENED. Even here, in recovery, it CAN AND WILL AND DID HAPPEN. We're not perfect or impervious. BUT GOD LET THIS HAPPEN FOR THAT VERY REASON. We needed to be greatly humbled in order to gain wisdom. We needed to harshly experience our weakness in order to be prepared for & respectful of it, AND to realize & acknowledge our GREAT NEED OF GOD. We MUST rely on HIM for healing, NOT ourselves!! Without Him we are absolutely powerless and WILL fail. It's inevitable; humans are BUILT to need God & cooperate meekly & trustingly with Him. Life is infinitely more beautiful & joyful that way.
+ We begged Jesus for peace. Admitting our sin, we prayed for His forgiveness & consolation, and implored His help with the sandwich. HE HELPED & FORGAVE. Never doubt His Goodness & Mercy towards poor foolish sinners like us!! He STILL seeks out EVERY lost sheep!!
+ HOWEVER. He didn't take away all the panic, as it still needed to serve a purpose: we needed to practice trusting Him DESPITE symptoms. "But I have overcome the world." And we WERE trusting, becoming genuinely able to enjoy & perceive the sandwich & feel deep gratitude to Him for it, feeling a spark of true joy amidst panic... but we, obviously, didn't trust enough. Our symptoms threw us off & we doubted His directions AGAIN.
+ ...We realized just how disordered dear sweet Iscah actually was, because ALL HER DISORDERED BEHAVIORS KICKED IN. Honestly, with the anxiety trigger-fall, we FORGOT that she used to drink hot sauce & creamer (from the packets!), pick sandwiches apart, lick plates & wrappers, eat tea bags, and obsess over sheer data collection. But ALL OF THAT KICKED BACK IN immediately! And Jesus WARNED us, "don't do it!!" but we were too fuzzy-brained to really listen and we pulled apart the sandwich. Just the last bit, but we felt HORRIBLE, crushed by shame. That, too, was a needed lesson.
+ Some foods DON'T have attached trauma, or attached memory. THAT IS FINE & GOOD. DON'T FORCE ANY!!!
+ BUT so far ALL foods have attached resonance, AND require some sort of healing. DO SO WITH CHRIST; alone we'll fail.
+ DO NOT FORCE OR COERCE SUCH REVELATIONS. YOU CANNOT GET TRUTH BY FORCE. Be patient. It WILL come, in God's perfect timing-- when we're ready, AND as we're ready for. Trust Him, be grateful, & PAY ATTENTION!!!
+ Also, proof of His trustworthiness & love? He USED the postmeal "potato fatigue" to give us BRAIN RESET DOWNTIME. That's the TOTAL peace we prayed for!! GOD IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS GOOD!!!







prismaticbleed: (held)



Quick daily update to get back into this habit.
It's hard to get back into a headspace mindset after coming home & working in the family mindset for a few hours, but like I said, practice always helps.



- Work today consisted of scuffpadding a really weirdly shaped fender piece, which had so many odd turns and curves and gaps that it took almost the full three hours to complete.

- Found out upon walking in the door to work that David Bowie passed away. Dad & mom both introduced me to his music as a kid so his influence has been a fixture in my audial history; even if I never became as big a fan as they were, I always appreciated his immense talent, prolific output, and unique creativity. So the news still hit heavy.

- Went shopping today, first time I can remember doing so in this new year. Since we just overcame our third sickness bout in the past year-- totally unheard of; normally we don't get sick ever-- we knew something was majorly up, and really the basic concern rounds down to the current internalized lie of "I only deserve to eat garbage." We're still not entirely sure how that began, let alone when, but it's probably just a consolidation of all the negative self-talk rolled into tangible treatment. Either way, we know how to heal it, which is patience and compassion and kindness... and courageous honor. So we went shopping and even our eating-disorder alters are cooperating now, having learned empathy and self-care well enough to want to get better, so they didn't go for any addictions or compulsions or desperate coping mis-mechanisms-- and even better, ALL THE DATA STUCK!! We used to have to keep meticulous food journals and receipt logs and things just to remember what we bought, what it tasted like, if it made us sick, how it made us sick, etc... but now that we're working WITH the alters who FEEL and EXPERIENCE those things... we no longer have to work so strenuously just to stay healthy, because their part of this data isn't locked out from us anymore. In short: those headvoices can tell us instantly what foods make us sick AND how, and because they're gaining inside roots, they are now unwilling to eat those things because they can feelthe bad consequences now AND don't want anyone else to feel them either.

- We did mess up a little, buying some foods that WOULD have been very good for us IF someone didn't absolutely choke them in cinnamon and Stevia. Apparently they tried this once BUT it was in a stressful home environment so no data stuck and they didn't experience it, and wanted to try again because "they thought it was good." Unfortunately they didn't check past data first, which clearly says that overuse of cinnamon causes EXTREME nausea instantly, as does those lentil chips they decided to buy (which no one actually likes, but it's that weird mindset of "we used to like lentils years ago, so we still should, right?" tied to family teachings that keeps us repeating this error in ignorance). So somebody junked it, which was 100% endorsed this time because we actually ended up vomiting from actual sickness instead of trauma fear.
Someone also got gluten-free pancake mix as another "data says this seemed good once and i'm not sure so i want to try again" compulsion, which wasn't too bad because that + a small coconut oil was only $2 at this store (talk about a deal right). The problem? They didn't check the food diary, which EXPLICITLY states that "pancakes are carbs+oil and ALWAYS make us vomit from heavy nausea; this has been tested extensively." Unfortunately whoever bought it didn't have that data and no one else had such clear access on hand? (I think Overload and her "sister" hold that rage knowledge but I'm not sure; we need to check) Anyway they weren't too bad, but 80% of them was still junked and they DID make us sick so that cannot happen again, it's a waste of time and money and health.

- Mom got really sick at work? Apparently she got the flu or something, but was so dehydrated from fluid loss that she almost passed out and had to go to the ER? I only got vague details during a storm of yelling when I got home so I don't know for sure, but that made us sick to our stomach with worry for a good part of the day (both the news and the shouting).

- When we got home from therapy the brother started another "you're a liar, you're a manipulator, you're all wearing masks and I want to 'playfully knock them off' for your own good" argument, laced with his reaction style of "i don't believe anything you tell me because all you do is lie to me and you all betray me and i can't trust any of you and you're all terrible people/ monsters/ etc." I don't know. He's unbearable lately, in a sad way. We try, but his vibe is SO NEGATIVE, he brings a storm cloud wherever he goes, no matter how patient and careful we are with him now.
Anyway I don't really remember the argument because we were trying to make pancakes at the time and angry alters are NOT allowed to talk to him anymore (so as not to exacerbate anything), so who ended up talking to him but JENNIFER, and she's such a sweetheart; her reaction to one of his harsh accusations was to ask him if he was okay, because his intent went totally over her head and she didn't realize it was meant to be offensive. Anyway she tried, Lord knows that dear girl tried her best to talk to him for the next ten minutes, but apparently it didn't work. All I'm aware of is that she kept saying "I do care, I keep telling you that, why do you keep saying I'm lying??" and his response was "because you are! All you do is lie to me! No one in this house cares!!" even though we ALL DO and tell him EVERY DAY that we do and SHOW HIM THAT on top of it. But he's blinding himself to it, I suppose.
Anyway it was a long conversation/argument and I could probably find data on it if I looked but the vibe is making me nauseous, and I'm just aware that it concluded with the brother giving us one last scathing remark and leaving in a boiling huff, while Jennifer actually started crying and asked Laurie why he was being so mean to her, and not listening when she tried to talk to him. She was really hurt by the fact that the brother outright refused to speak civilly to her. Laurie told her it wasn't her fault, she was as honest and kind as she could have possibly been, and she was proud of her-- but then Laurie told her to not let it get to her, and come back inside, so she could recover. So Jayce ended up finishing the pancakes and then Jess ended up eating them I think but around that switch-time is when our memory basically blacks out until about 8pm.

- All I know is that we must have been stressed or scared again because the next thing I remember, we're kneeling on the bedroom floor making inkblots. GOOD. They are the MOST RELAXING THING IN THE WORLD and are arguably our favorite form of art, period. So we made six of them, with one extra attempt not working, but the successful ones are lovely. I'm really so glad we're getting back into art.

- Lately, at home, we've not been tapping into headspace because of family stress BUT when we're not in a low vibe state, our main "fronter" is tending to be that one "individual" who has no face or name or even solid self, but who gets the GUIDES as "voices" and who talk to her(?) constantly while she works/ acts/ etc.? They said that "we can't do what headspace can and they can't do what we can" so no one's losing out, it's just different needs in different contexts and times. So that's good.
But these voices are NICE and VERY HELPFUL and EXTREMELY INTUITIVE and they never do us wrong, they actually do some shockingly helpful/ synchronistic things when we actually listen, which is something that fronter does absolutely as they HAVE no "self" to clash with motives and doubts and things.
We're wondering if said "fronter" holds the theoretical CLEAR slot in the Spectrum, which is something we're wondering if we can integrate for the sake of Spectrumizing the faceless/nameless ones who nevertheless work with us for our benefit? Like an "embryonic" Color, notsomuch a placeholder as a transitional status? Like a flight layover, is the feeling I get. It's somewhere they need to be right now, but it's not their final destination IF they're meant for a "destination," which would be Headspace, and which may not be "meant" for many of the Clears, especially not this one, as Headspace is very personal-growth oriented internally BUT this specific fronter deals with a sort of "personal" growth that feels more broad? Like it's "global;" it's helping the entire System eventually as it's dealing with baseline roots of behavior and tendencies, overcoming selfishness and doubt and the "old girls" habits... but it's, again, more passive. Her existence is literally just listening to the guide-voices and obeying; it's fine and it's very beneficial in the big picture BUT it has a "soft and foggy" feeling like a rainy spring haze, this fronter CANNOT exist apart from those voices, she CAN'T make her own choices or hold a color as her existence is PASSIVE. Does that make sense?
Anyway I'm very glad that alter/ voice/ whatever they count as exists. They have a very good heart and having someone like that SO strongly tied to not just the body but also the physical existence at large, gives us massive hope for our physical future at large as well. We always feared the only body-locked alters were abusive, but this Clear person is an absolute beacon of light pointing at a beautiful negation of that fear. There is an alternative and they are living proof.

- We cleaned up a bit of our room as stress has been making us too tired/depressed to really tidy things, and that's feeding the negative loop. So we put every book back on a shelf that belongs there, organized our miscellany drawer (which literally contains just Power Gear, toothpaste, soap, fingerless gloves, old hard drives, bell spheres, a Celebi plate, crisis hotline cards, and a handful of ancient virtual pets), organized the top of our shared-with-grandmother dresser (mostly religious papers there), and dusted off the top of our workspace with all the candles on it. So things look much nicer now and that helps us feel nicer! The next big project is to do the work in the three current piles on our desk (1. Dream World design work, 2. read a copy each of Psychology Today and Smithsonian that we borrowed and need to return Thursday, and 3. a big pile of dream journal entries and other misc notes that need to be typed in) so that can be put away at last. The only "perma-mess" at the moment is our painting space, which is currently half covered in paint bottles and half covered in stuff we're trying to sell on eBay. So. One thing at a time, really.


- Therapy today was interesting because we didn't discuss much, but a lot happened? We finished reading dec 30's entry last Thursday, but Jackie walked in to therapy and when we got her out we had to explain that she's our "default social person" as she's a "publically acceptable extrovert" and doesn't have bad moods, BUT she still counts as a manic even if she's learning to be nice and cooperative, which basically just means that she can't really grasp "bluer emotions" in herself or others. SO, having her front for the morning was probably a "defense instinct" since we didn't have open time to cope with/ untangle the stress & anxiety from that morning (mom sick, family shouting, brother yelling in general), and couldn't carry that with us in public as we wouldn't be able to think/ function/ reason properly. So now that we were in therapy, we had to switch to introverted people, who may not hold ANY memory of what Jackie did, and maybe even only came out in therapy-like environments.
Jay came out first, of course, but this was brief, and he handed her a printout of the second half of jan 3rd's entry, somewhat edited for relevance.
And our memory of that is very fuzzy becase halfway down the first page, KNIFE CAME OUT to listen instead of anyone else. I'm really not sure why? Something caught his attention and he decided why not be there, so he was. His overlay is INCREDIBLY SOLID which is amazing, and keeps him in so much that he can even talk to people AND LOOK AT THEM. Very few people in our System can do that because it often causes instinctive overlay destruction (the knee-jerk "become that person instead of yourself" programming), but Knife apparently is untouched by that. So he stayed out, his fangs and hair and coat crystal clear in memory, and he was listening to our therapist read Jay's words about the Tar-based alters seeing love as shameful and Knife just started crying. Silently, and with marked suppression-- he couldn't weep outright in the office, that's still something we don't feel is proper-- but other than that, he was not hiding his emotional response, and THANK GOD FOR THIS GUY. His presence alone, his actions alone there, probably helped melt a great deal of that lingering emotional numbing on that level for ALL of us.
So Knife stayed for at least ten solid minutes which is amazing, talking as well as he could (he keeps picking up a vaguely British accent-- which fits as it softens the sounds of words and Knife absolutely does not speak with an American accent anyway) and making eye contact and everything; really I'm ecstatically shocked by all that.
So then Jay came out because it was almost time to leave and I think the topic changed, but he came out in his "rainbow-drip" state, a.k.a. the side that's always grinning and flirty and confident and super-bright, BUT who also runs the risk of being that too much and hitting Plague danger. Anyway he talks a lot because he's so enthusiastic and interested in everything, and he was just joyously talking about how he could feel Knife's overlay residue and he "holds himself like a bookcase" and he was summarizing how full of love and amazement he was about feeling the "richness of Headspace" in the physical again, like we did for basically all of 2014 in therapy, with learning new things like handwriting and finding so many hidden alters/voices in the process. But it was lovely, it really was.

- Jay switched back to the "normal" Jay after we left as he was getting too bright, and that only took a second or three but Laurie's eyes widened and she immediately exclaimed "dude your hair just reversed direction." So apparently, saturated-Jay has the old-style Celebi hairstyle, while iridescent-Jay has the fluffy-in-front hair that's closer to the Jayce bloodline style? Hair is always a tricky thing as it's so hair-trigger specific, pun fully intended, but that was almost a tangible shift so that's at least one huge good tell-apart for the Cores.

- Interestingly and very noteworthily, when we got out to the car, I guess we still needed to de-manic ourself and who decided to come out and do that but KYANOS?? And he SPOKE!!! He has NEVER spoken before, and Laurie immediately told him to at least introduce himself on the voice recorder, so he did. His voice is high-pitched and notably breathy, but it's not scary or sighing, it's quite pretty actually. However, voice style doesn't change voice tone, and the body voice still sounds too much like the manic girls, so that jarred Kyanos out of fronting. Laurie took over quickly as she's got a voice that's not too jarring in the body, and her overlay is MUCH more solid than Kyanos's... but even she got shaken up after about 20 seconds, and then to everyone's surprise, JAVIER took over. And he had NO PROBLEM TALKING. His voice-style isn't too different from the body but it feels different? It has a tighter pronunciation? Like it feels more "narrow" in shape, although it's the same range, and he speaks words with more sharpness or crispness or something. It's cool. But he was able to stay out and drive for at least five minutes, until we had to run a store errand and he ended up switching out (he can't do publicity yet) and Genesis helped whoever was fronting then (if anyone solid).
Memory from then to the pancake incident is almost completely gone, but I do know that at some point on the way home, we were listening to Burial by Seinabo Sey again (we adore it) and, since Genesis doesn't like Ruby singing as she turns everything too manic/ performative and therefore disrespects the song, who ended up coming out to sing but ZWEI.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN SEVERAL MONTHS. We actually were worrying that she as dead. But no, she came right out with her cute trademark voice and she sang that song better than Ruby can, haha.
Einsatz followed her out and by then I know we were almost home because he had a bit of trouble getting an overlay in, and he was running music through himself as usual but he gets so into it that he was having trouble with the car and we had to have him switch out.
(BTW Nienna only sings in formal environments (mostly church), Jay only sings if he can make it something very personal and non-performative (or at church if Xenophon asks him to), Ruby sings for manic fun/performance, Zwei sings just for the playful fun of it, and then there's STILL that one rare guy who sings like Ruby but is a bit of a diva, and then one of our male church fronters also sings I think. Anyway there are many of us.)
(LATER EDIT I checked records and apparently our memory got weird around the grocery shopping bit because GARRISON FRONTED to talk into the voice recorder for several minutes??? Apparently his voice works even better than Javier's does in the body, so he took full advantage of that both to keep us grounded in headspace and to give a proper, knowledgeable full recap of therapy when no one else could. So that's very noteworthy and I'm proud of him because he tends to get nervous but apparently he has NO NERVES about fronting in public which is HUGE; a lot of people freak out and hide back inside.)


Now we're listening to David Bowie's two most recent (technically two last) albums for the sake of his memory, and considering taking a break to maybe get back into digital art a bit in a few minutes. A bit at a time, like I said.

Good night, everyone.

 




prismaticbleed: (Default)


make a list:

"does this action/ thought/ etc….
lead someone TOWARDS God
lead someone AWAY from God?
allow evil influences to take root?
AM I AWARE OF GOD IN MY DOING THIS?
DOES DOING THIS CHASE AWAY AWARENESS OF GOD??"
etc.

basically,
"is this thing that I am doing HELPING my heart glow in likeness to GOD?"
"is this an action taken out of true righteous just compassion?"

trust your heart.

ALSO.
SIT DOWN AND ABSOLUTELY GRILL YOURSELF WITH QUESTIONS.
"WHY DO I HAVE THIS THOUGHT"
"WHY DO I NOT QUESTION THIS THOUGHT WHEN I HAVE IT?"
LETS DO THAT NOW, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SEXUAL PROBLEMS

 I feel guilty after using sexual energy EVEN IF I am honestly trying to use it for positive, loving, spiritual purposes BECAUSE
1. I KNOW that it is NOT what I am looking for, to express love.
2. I KNOW that true, deep love DDOES NOT REQUIRE SEX AT ALL.
3. I KNOW that I can't even attempt to use sexuality without rerouting EVERYTHING through my heart! Therefore why am I even trying to bring other things into it???

So. I feel guilty because, even with best intentions, I know I am selling myself short.
I know I am not really expressing my love honestly, because if I have to dissociate, depersonalize, and hide in order to do this, then it is NOT honest, it is NOT a clear expression of love. It is sadly misled, it is a big fog over what is truly trying to be expressed here.

In truth, I KNOW that REAL LOVE and intimacy is through the HEART. And I am fully capable of doing that.
However, something is getting in the way, and it feels like crushing fear, and I think I know why.
1. In the past, sexual abuse was NOT dissociated from until it became "a trauma to escape from." But even then, it had bodily closeness! So, in some part of our subconscious, ALL bodily closeness might be triggering that knee-jerk fear.
2. Similarly, all bodily closeness feels like "setting the scene for sex" which makes me immediately dissociate and start acting sexual robotically, OR… it makes me panic, cry, sob, and burn with desperate hurting rage. It's sad but it's true.

So. We NEED to fix that. "Intimacy (of physical space!!) CAN HAPPEN without sex!"
We need to practice experiencing THAT CONTEXT INSTEAD.
It's going to take time. But Chaos 0 can do it, I know, for one. His anchor plush is sanctified and he won't hurt us.

But there's anger/fear tied to HIS name. I think it's because of 2011 and the past.

 

 

 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@11:50PM

 


 

today…


jezebel is fronting. yeah. it's not good!
we caught a compulsive-abusive eater today, someone who was thinking "I'm gonna eat this and I don’t really care who hurts from it," started checking names, and THAT NAME STUCK. then overlay locked in and that was really disturbing
but yeah now we know. and we can be careful now. discernment as a result of knowledge.

I can feel her hanging around now, again, like she used to. sitting off to the side like julie did in the old days. this is creepy. she's inky black in color. the bad black. like a tar pit. it reeks off her.
god I know we wanted to find out where the tar went but this is really, really disturbing. thanks though now we can get back to our actual PURPOSE in here.
we haven't been warriors for a while because we kept thinking we "weren't supposed to fight anything" but look where that got us.
we can fight without being violent or hateful, like the things we ARE fighting. that’s the key. we can be warriors without starting a war.

action is picking up. i can feel it in the air, like the sun getting warmer as it gets higher. a burning glowing building time.
jay is doing a lot of spiritual reading again and it's of a different sort this time, it's helping a LOT. it's already highlighted a lot of issues we were concerned over, confused with, helped put into words WHY and how to deal with that. so we're glad.
just gotta pace this properly, there's like... fifteen tabs open and a LOT of words and i dont want anyone shutting down from overwhelm.

oh about the eating disorder stuff we are doing SHOCKINGLY better lately
like looking back at the past several months if not longer, there's been a lot of improvement lately, which is very good
trigger foods/ forbidden foods are sticking which means the data is HOLDING and people aren't "second guessing if it hurts or not" which a lot of the younger, feeble-identity socials used to do.
partly (largely) we have spice to thank for this. very much so.
biggest concern is the amount of sheer patience and perseverance with cutting out "stim foods" (eaten solely for texture/ biting) and replacing that with non-food related coping skills, or (if we've been fasting and do need to eat) replacing them with healthy foods and the mindset that we deserve to eat well.there's still the old bad mindset of "i only deserve to eat scraps and garbage" which turned literal after a while and that was very very bad. we deserve to eat good things too! not just the familys rejects or leftovers. we're not a crow. we're not a racoon digging in the garbage pile. we can eat actual good meals and things. we're allowed!
so we need to learn that over again, except not because there are lots of us who DO think good things and want the best for us.
the main concern is getting those people in charge, instead of those like jezebel.
again, emmett is our failsafe. when in doubt, get him out. it works dude believe me

oh yeah speaking of spice HAVE YOU READ ROMANS 14 LATELY??
HOW RELEVANT IS THAT
" I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died...Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble...For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit..."

THAT IS VERY RELEVANT TO ALL YOU ABUSIVE/ HAPPY-GO-LUCKY FOOD SOCIALS.
STOP.
it is also very relevant to the eating disorder in general, seriously that is SUCH A RELIEF seeing that in scripture, you have no idea.
we will have to apply this 100%. be strong and do it. this takes a lot of the paranoid religious eating stress of our backs.

i just realized, that bit is relevant to the "doublethink" thing of the other day too
"One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God..."

that and the whole "nothing is unclean in itself" thing... that is hugely relevant to our life.
it's what's been causing us a lot of trouble because we've been skipping the key bit: faith that our own actions are okay, when motivated by love.
problem is you can't force it either. you can't copy someone else's path out of love, when something deep in your heart is STILL saying, "dude i know you are trying to understand this person's perspective, but you are ALSO crushingly doubtful in yourself, and that's not healthy. this isn't for us. stop."
that applies to food and relationships and so so so many other things.
and there's a line about that too. my favorite.
"Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil."
that
that right there is hugely important
it's in the bible, dudes, you HAVE to accept that it's okay now. which is good! we've been LOOKING for "validation" and THERE IT IS.
god i am so glad i found this chapter it is helping so much just as is right now.

last bit. it's not fully making sense right now. not sure why.
"So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."
the last sentence does make sense intuitively. i understand that, we've been living by that in the spectrum for a while, people keep reminding each other, "if you aren't acting with the right state of heart/mind you're in trouble" basically. which we get. but it's not always put into practice! that's not good.
it's the word "doubts" that i don't understand yet really. doubting whether or not what you're doing is in faith? maybe. heavy stuff though. heavy but true.
there's a lot of "fear of damnation" tied to it, mostly from the alters defined by self-doubt, due to thinking they really aren't capable of knowing better themselves. so i think a lot of confusion is rooted there.
we'll work on this.

sorry i'm practically quoting that whole chapter but it's important.

in any case we need to re-read scripture a lot more lately, i feel there's stuff in there that would help, we haven't been reading it lately and that's not good in any case.



leagueworld stuff:
most importantly i gave jay the ability to work with leagueworlds as much as i do now. :D If he wants to, he can!
probabyl going to be a lot of tiptoeing around first but that's always fun.

tuning into justice/vengeance overlays today
is that the correct term?? like when you can "be" them temporarily
best thing ever, doing that since childhood (HI VEZ)
but yeah it is very precise? like glassblowing. very very careful. you cannot force things in that, or be rough. you've gotta let go and just let the other person BE THROUGH YOU. you're no longer "you" but you're aware that this person is not you? does that make sense?
it's the BEST thing for writing, it's so sweet, but it's difficult as all heck because it's draining and like i said it is PRECISION WORK and you absolutely cannot take it lightly or fool around with it.
hackers do. those damn hackers do and I KNOW they mess with it because it's NOT THE SAME THING.

anyway justice does not like being around clingy people? he does not like that attitude, it unsettles him.
unfortunately his "brother" is very ruled by emotion and he can get very clingy, dramatic, desperate, etc.
justice does not. he's the more "logical" brother, in a spiritual sense? he can be overly serious, out of tune with his emotions.
which is interesting because he cries ALL the time, literally, he feels sorrow deeply but he's oddly detached from it personally?
more of a compassion thing. not tied to himself per se.
vengeance is very "personal" and he feels anger as a result of sadness but again, very personal. so that's a difference.
anyway yeah that's a point of dissonance between the two, especially later when healing their relationship, it becomes "unfixable" for a while because vengeance is being super emotive and justice is not, neither can really deal with the way the other is handling the situation?
justice has a bad habit of just "tuning out" what upset him, not like a cold shoulder, more of a "pretending i didnt see it at all" neutrality
anyway yeah. vengeance has to learn to express what he feels WITHOUT getting carried away with his emotions.
when he can do that justice responds to him in kind and it's very genuine, they still love each other dearly, it just gets buried under all the mess of their history.
again that's all relevant to headspace too it feels like. especially jay and cz, with the splintering/ fracturing/ what have you.

oh! we were thinking about that
the whole having to accept that outspacers are effectively introjects, the internal roots are paramount,
realizing that in that respect then yes cz will never, and can never, entirely be his canon self
(and frankly we dont want him to be, not entirely, too much outside interference, we do need to talk about that)
BUT most important realizing that this means they are now operating largely on headspace terms
which means that they CAN fracture and splinter and things.
and it has been proven up here that cz HAS FRACTURED and there are at least two "other chaoses" around
however
with that realization we had to ask why and it's actually because he was tied to past trauma
especially in 2011/2012, there was some awful awful stuff that happened then as far as i'm aware
but it was utterly incompatible with who chaos was/is, and jay could not cope with it either,
so apparently those parts of his psyche/ experience BROKE OFF and are still around?
the most toxic one hangs out with azalea, as you all know
they are both very very unhealthy dangerous individuals
but yeah that's important info. needs to be looked into more.


cel is trying to find her new name/ solid appearance. resonating with the greek word kairos actually, just looked it up and that is surprisingly fitting.

jewel is actually THE BRIDGE????
like with this new "outspacer spectrum," i.e. "alternate centralites" who hold TWO colors instead of one and who aren't headvoices, jewel is between BROWN AND RED. between the body-life color, and the inside-life color. very very important. makes sense though.
still haven't had the opportunity to sit down and think about that yet. will do so asap.


jewel hanging out with jay for a while this evening, they're like siblings
at one point jewel affectionately hugged him around the shoulders but from the front, he had a minor panic/ shutdown reaction?
jewel said "i'd never hurt you" and jay said he knew but that sort of position at all was upsetting.
he mentioned how this was harming his relationships with cz and laurie especially
but also because he was scared of romance being just as much a threat as literal tangible abuse.
jewel said "romance is a gateway drug"


laurie found out the two things keeping us from having xangas
1) fear of the bedroom desk. the area where we type is NOT a fully safe area. we're trying to fix it up but it has bad vibes.
2) overwhelm from not having specified topics!!! THAT'S the key thing. jay would aways say, "yes i want to talk," and he did, but unless you SPECIFICALLY say what about, the stress gets heavy and no talk happens. just like in therapy! we feel no need to talk without a topic, but in xangas there's that pressing need to discuss, so. it gets overwhelming.
needless to say we are putting a list together now, so once that happens there's NO OBSTACLES ANYMORE and a session can happen totally without problems. thank goodness.


very very VERY tired and feeling some residual fear and sorrow from the tumult of the past week or month or so
extremely tired. head shutting off. plus the backspace key is actually giving me vertigo whoooa that's not cool at all.
going to get some sleep okay bye

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)


BASIC SPECTRUM SENSORY RESONANCES

 

RED

blood, fire.
fireplaces?

 

BROWN

old buildings: libraries, the misericordia music building

brown is specifically the smell of furnished wood + brass
bone, earth, stone.

tree bark, raw dark wood, coffee shop & nutmeg smells.
the texture/ smell/ taste/ temperature of raw rich dirt
the rocks in shadrine, the smell and texture

 

ORANGE

the smell of violin rosin and performance halls.
violins-- the wood color and the smell.
autumn leaves, especially at the string shop!

tea?

YELLOW
lighter hues are Easter flowers.

sparklers in summer.

golden bokeh, like from city night lights on Broadway.

 

LIME
citrusy, like raw limes and lemons. summery.
bright green ripe grass, the smell of it

wide open fields, insects

 

GREEN
the deep wet dark forests in summer.

deciduous trees. moss. little tiny flowers. ferns.

bioluminescence?

 

AQUA

sparkles on the surface when underwater.

 

SKY
fresh air.

bright blue summer skies with fluffy clouds.

mirrors, reflections

beach coves, broad open still water.

 

BLUE

led lights, especially on trees

the glow of technology, not screens but power lights

 

INDIGO

churches, incense smoke

ice, frost, misty rocky mountain tops with snow

old stone cathedrals

 

VIOLET

 

PINK

rosewater. climbing roses. very delicate scent.

cherry blossoms/ trees.

 

CERISE

raspberry chocolate filling

silks? big smooth couches you can sink into

 

WHITE

rainbows, window crystals, kaleidoscopes

iridescence of the 90s sort

snowflakes

white cathedrals?

 

GRAY

pinstripe suits.

classy sunlit office buildings in New York.

 

BLACK

the night sky, studded with stars

velvet

iridescence like an oil slick

dark opera halls, basilicas

crystal chandeliers

strings of diamonds and pearls

the smell of mountain laurel, night jasmine, magnolia blossoms?


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

WHEN CORRUPTED………

 

RED

 

BROWN

artificial wood, bargain basements

 

ORANGE

 

YELLOW

flat landscapes, wheat fields, dry grass, dry wind

 

LIME

 

GREEN

 

AQUA

 

SKY

 

BLUE

 

INDIGO

 

VIOLET

 

PINK

neon pink lights

 

CERISE

 

WHITE

 

GRAY

 

BLACK




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

KINDS OF TEETH

what is shredding?

 

RED

DARK RED are soft, for sinking into things

perfectly, into velvet or blood.

like the clean cut alter. into meat.

BRIGHT RED are for cutting, not eating.

using teeth like knives. like a paper-shearing blade.

BROWN

more like eating?

ORANGE

Halloween vibe, no sugar.

like a sparkler, but not fizzy. popping like pop rocks.

for crunching and crackling.

YELLOW

for baring fangs, anger, yelling and barking.

no biting though. just sharp teeth rage, like wreckage.

LIME

for laughing, springtime running victory laughing.

for grinning.

GREEN

quiet. maybe for whistling.

for breathing in through the teeth.

AQUA

water. for drinking. tend to melt into themselves.

SKY

for talking. conscious light talking.

bright but calm communication.

BLUE

have a feeling of "right before speaking"

wanting to stay quiet but open to speech.

late night talks. talking at night, in a formal place.

INDIGO

very quiet, silent, but charged. very strong internally.

hooded mage feeling. still bright, good, holy.

chanting? prayers? devotion.

VIOLET

for preaching in the sense of rallying.

calling people, prophesying?

the sense of someone standing on a hilltop and saying "oh my brethren, my brothers, this is our role, our great purpose, this is our holy work, etc."

PINK

for soft smiling and words of kindness.

smaller kind happy words, like to a child.

CERISE

WHITE

joyous? being so in awe, you want to laugh or smile but cant really talk.

blooming-up, giddy, inner happiness kind of thing.

GRAY

for data. like reading in a library.

BLACK

are completely silent. for deep silence.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

KINDS OF FIRE

 

RED

burns angry and solid red burn, "to ashes"

not afraid of it, but it has a scary heavy power

wide, lower zigzag. 'thick.'

BROWN

not really fire? no burn, just covering, can touch.

warm. like a protective wall or shield.

very slow, low, wide zigzag.

ORANGE

burns warm, slowly burns things down to spark embers.

"okay with it"

medium, general zigzag.

YELLOW

sharp loud tall "yelling"

run from it, scary, will burn you like needles

catch on your skin like you were paper

tight, sharp, tall zigzag. like needles.

LIME

cauterizing?

sharp burn like alcohol on the skin, at hospitals.

slightly curved, sharp tall zigzag.

starting to look like leaves

GREEN

not destructive. feels like menthol burn on the skin.

AQUA

SKY

BLUE

INDIGO

VIOLET

no "burn" but totally dissolutes any impurities instantly

PINK

CERISE

WHITE

GRAY

BLACK

frightening intensity, like underground glow in a coal pit.
burns on the inside, not on the outside.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

TASTE

 

RED

strawberries, blood, tomatoes,

a sort of bright solid richness, "umami" edge?

BROWN

cinnamon? nutmeg,

dry, powdery spice? not really sweet or spicy or anything.
earthy.

ORANGE

oranges? carrots, sweet potatoes,

YELLOW

butter? not fake. not creamy. it's the salt richness?

oddly variant?

LIME

slightly grassy and piquant. like lemon on wheatgrass.

GREEN

dark green lettuce, kale,

very vegetable-y. not grassy.

AQUA

SKY

BLUE

INDIGO

VIOLET

incense smoke.

not 'edible' but can take it in more intimately than food?

breathing.

PINK

delicate sweetness, like a sugar cube

CERISE

cherry cheesecake?

rich, dense. has a crumbliness to it like cocoa.

sweet, but NOT overpowering. refined?

WHITE

GRAY

BLACK

 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It's a very "brown" anger, though. Compact and solid and heavy, but with that red burn of his eyes. Very different than plain red anger. The red is just a buzz edge.

Kid you say the weirdest flipping things but I think I get what you mean. Stern anger with an edge that could explode any second?

Not so much "explode" as "burn." It's red, not yellow.



prismaticbleed: (Default)


THE PRISMBLOOD CATHEDRAL SYSTEM

~2000-2015+



GENERAL INFORMATION

According to our therapists, we have what is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. In our terms, this simply means that we are a multitude of individuals all residing within one physical body.
We are an unusual case however, as our System was created specifically to function internally, as this was not only our original core's "default" state of existence, but also because we experienced significant inner trauma more often than we experienced outer trauma. Because of this, most of our members rarely "front" in the body as they have no need to (their roles concern our inner life).
Due to a lack of social interaction, a rather dysfunctional family, and an all-consuming imagination, the original child grew up with a very unusual view of reality, colored by magical thinking and an ignorance of how other, non-troubled individuals functioned. As this way of life did not alter until the body was about 17, our inner world reflects this weird and wonderful perspective.
Our System runs on a set of complex but fantastic rules, which some have compared to an RPG or a video game, but which is honestly how our core individuals see the world. There is a great deal of symbolism here, as well as a great emphasis on the power of thought, and the importance of love. Despite the terrors we have  all experienced, our lives together make a strangely inspiring tapestry of growth and wisdom, a long and arduous tale that ultimately reaches a happiness we once thought unattainable. The often "fantastic" operations of our inner world only serve to compliment that, helping us all believe that nothing is impossible, and that we can all rise above and beyond the painful dregs of fear we were born from.

 


VOCABULARY
We have a large and varied vocabulary of System-related terms that are often confusing or vague to those outside of headspace, or unaware of our structure. Following is an alphabetical list of those terms, with definitions.

active: A term meaning "actively accessible or functioning." Refers to both alters and locations.

alter: Interchangeable with "headvoice."

anchor: The "purpose" of a headvoice, and a requirement for manifestation. Anchors occur when sufficient mental energy is focused on a certain quality or concept that is detached from other System members. This collected energy then coalesces into a headvoice, who then acts as both a protector and manifestation of that concept or quality, which in turn becomes their "function." Anchors can be benevolent or malevolent, and they can change, although this is a difficult process. Anchors will bond to fitting Spectrum colors if and when they become strong or important enough within the System. Also see "function."
anchor, level: The level of headspace that a headvoice typically (or exclusively) lives and works within. This level is determined by function, but is unaffected by color. Level anchors can only change if an alter's function changes accordingly (a rare and difficult process), or if they are promoted to Central.
anchoring: The process of finding, solidifying, or gaining an anchor. Often interchangeable with "manifestation" when the individual anchoring has not had a solid form prior to doing so, and gains one afterward.

archivists: Alters whose function it is to manage and distribute stored memory information to other alters. Originally called "data voices."

atonement: The process of physically scarring the body in order to "bleed out" internal corruption, as is the mandatory post-hack procedure. Atonement began in 2010 when the true motive of hacks was discovered.

atoners: Old name for Retributors.

beetles: Insects first seen in the Chthonic levels, color unknown. They appear to be benevolent, and helped save Infinitii's life.

blackspace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Blackspace deals with organics and the subconscious. It is an unending realm of raw Black energy, effectively the "cosmic womb" that every alter manifests from in both body and mind. Blackspace is "below" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, liquid black ocean with no surface or walls. It is spherical in form. It cannot be consciously manipulated. Infinitii, and possibly all daemons, are intrinsically linked to this space.

body map: Also "bodymap." The visual correlation between Headspace's vertical level structure and the physical body. Roughly, Central corresponds to the brain while the Chthonic levels correspond to the lower abdomen/ base of spine.

Blood Lotus Cathedral: A massive, lotus-shaped cathedral, originally discovered and formed as the "soulspace" of the 2012 Core. Although originally located in floatspace, it has since become the "heart" of Central City. It is a highly enigmatic location in recent times. May also be used as a collective "story" term for our System's past experiences.

bubblespace: The specific floatspace pocket that Infinitii resides in.

cathartic block: The situation in which an individual is unable to express and fully comprehend emotions. This is common with Plague infestation, or when Fogbank is fronting.
Central: A specific area of upper headspace within Central City, the first area to manifest in our entire inner world. It resembles a penthouse suite, located at the top of a skyscraper, overlooking the City. It has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for the Spectrum Cores in our System, who typically reside and work there. "Central" may also be used as a collective term to refer to those alters.

Central City: The main area of headspace: a small NYC-like city bordering an ocean and two large forests. Its geography resembles Rio de Janeiro.

Centralite: Any single member of Central.

channel: An "open path" in the mind/body that a headvoice uses in order to front, speak, or write.

chthonics: Alters that natively reside in the Chthonic level.

co-fronting: When two or more alters are driving the body at the same time.

color core: See "Spectrum core."

color realms: See "Realms."

core color: See "Spectrum core."
core: See "System core."
connection: In the proper context, this is a term for an act of intimate spiritual "bonding" between two or more individuals in headspace. This is a term borrowed from the Dream World Leagueworld, as it is essentially the same process. Connections can also vary in "color."

daemon: A heartspace creature born from the hidden shadows/vices of an individual: essentially, a manifestation of "what you are afraid of within yourself." A daemon is meant to promote total self-love and acceptance, while not sugarcoating or ignoring those darker sides. The daemon phenomenon has currently only been observed in humans within the System.

daemon realms: Isolated floatspace pockets that daemons typically reside in for the sake of safety and secrecy.

data voices: Original term for the Archivist alters.
destabilization: Existential "decay" that occurs when a headvoice loses their anchor, due to function collapse or corruption. It is often lethal.

downstairs: A term used to refer to the physical world/life outside of headspace: essentially what our body must participate in to survive.
driving: a term for the process of a headvoice directly and consciously controlling the physical body. Adopted because this often feels like driving a car or similar machine, something separate from the actual self. Interchangeable with "fronting."

ego:

a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness
faceless: Literally, "without a manifested form." Most socials, splinters, and voices are faceless, and therefore very hard to identify.

faceless voices: Any headspace-originated "voice" that does not have a manifested form. Not interchangeable with 'floating voices.'

floating voices: A non-alter "voice" heard outside the head. These voices can be either helpful or actively harmful, usually the latter, yet it is often difficult to tell the difference. They may claim to be angels, demons, aliens, guides, etc. Floating voices predate the System's formation by several years. They also appear to be frightened or intimidated by System members, especially Laurie and Infinitii, and will "disappear" if such individuals make themselves known.

floatspace: Any visitable place in headspace/heartspace that has no fixed location, or which exists specifically in a non-physical place. These locations are frequently "self-contained" and very small.

fragment: …

See "splinter."

neutrality splinter. conscious in trauma or meltdowns. goal is to simply exist of the world
unhinged, emotionless, deep inspiration drive, possible alternate creation ability, silent, fragile, strange, detached, connected. despite unsettling demeanor, feels universally, completely open

fronter: A headspace individual who regularly fronts in the body, or if used in the active sense, the current individual doing so.
fronting: When a headvoice directly controls the body as its presenting consciousness. Interchangeable with "driving."

function: The role which a headvoice is sworn to fulfilling. Headvoices with unstable or unclear functions can die from the lack of stabilization, while those with "function overload" may corrupt to an equally lethal extreme. Also see "anchor."

function, inborn: A function that was inherent in an alter upon their manifestation.

function, inflicted: A function that was bestowed upon an alter after their manifestation. This is rare, and most frequently occurs when destabilization and/or anchor slippage occurs.

function overload: Occurs when an alter takes their function to a destructive and/or malevolent extreme, resulting in slippage and possibly destabilization.

Fusion:

ghosting: When an outspacer "half-appears" in the physical realm, as an intuitively perceptible being, in order to accompany the current fronter (typically a Core). Headvoices can also do this, but it must be learned, and it is difficult for them to remain ghosting for long.

graves: The series of 42 linear scars up and down the body's forearms. They were the first retributive actions taken, when it was discovered that hacks were destroying the creativity tied to the Leagueworlds, effectively "aborting" potential worlds and individuals before they had a chance to manifest. Laurie mandated that every hack from then on must be followed by a scar-- a "grave" for those lost as a result.
hack: A malevolent and typically traumatic attack from inside the System. Hacks can be either physical (forced fronting and abuse of the body) or non-physical (psychological warfare, induced nightmares). The term itself refers to both the brutal, sudden pain and terror of such incidents (i.e. "to deal cutting blows"), and the technological slang of "breaking into (a server) from a remote location to steal or damage data." Hacks are always perpetrated by corrupted individuals, most notably Julie (in the old timelines) and Sharona.

hack, dream: A hack that occurs while asleep, during a nightmare. Typically bleeds over into the body, but this can be prevented if a benevolent force intervenes in-dream.
headspace: The huge inner world we all reside in. It is a catchall term for all locations within, as long as they are related to the System. As of 2014 the term "heartspace" is now used to refer to Central's active living location, while "headspace" refers to the inner world at large, and Central prior to 2014.
headvoice: A non-corporeal individual born from headspace, within headspace. This term is interchangeable with the common DID term "alter."

heartspace: A replacement term for "headspace," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly indicate our function and purpose, as opposed to the hackers and floating voices.

heartvoice: A replacement term for "headvoice," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly distinguish between alters and the floating voices. It is usually used to refer to Centralites.
holder: Also "slot holder." Used to refer to any headvoice that is anchored to a color slot.

insects: Also "bugs." The myriad of insects that have been observed within our System, on multiple levels. Their purpose is unknown. They can be either benevolent or malevolent.
inspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world is a Leagueworld. See "outspacer."

invisible audience: A humorous term referring to the theoretical "readers" of our online posts.

Jewel: A prestigious title given to the Cores in our System that have connections to Dream World.
Jewel bloodline: A collective referral to the many artist fronters that have held the "Jewel" title in some way. This "bloodline" of function began in 2002, and has continued through at least four other individuals since then. The phenomenon itself is tied to the Leagueworlds and as such we know little about it.
johnny-nighter: A term referring to a night when we do not sleep, and instead stay awake typing nonstop until 5 or 6 AM. Sleep after that point is optional. Coined in 2009, a reference to the JTHM comic quote: "I don’t sleep; I have better things to do."

kything: A term reverently adopted from Madeleine L'Engle's books, this refers to a non-verbal, almost "spiritual" manner of communication between headspace individuals. It allows emotions, perceptions, and similar inner feelings to be shared instantly, on a level of intuitive understanding, and without the struggle of vocabulary translation. It is only possible if one is open to it.
Leagueworld: An inner world outside of headspace, which is intrinsically separate from it, and which the Jewel bloodline functions to learn and write about. There are approximately 15 of these Worlds to our current knowledge, including Dream World and Rosewindow. It is not impossible for individuals from Leagueworlds to interact with the System (e.g. Mister Sandman), but such individuals are usually reality-jumpers, and/or are similarly unhindered by their native universe limits.
Lightraye: The formal collective subtitle for both our System and the Leagueworlds (e.g. "Lightraye League," "Lightraye System"). It is also used as a surname for those in key positions there.

lilies: Flowers associated with Infinitii. Their current purpose is unknown.

limbo: "The grayish void between realms upstairs." Possibly actual Grayspace. Rarely used term, but refers to a legitimate location.

Links: Mental/spiritual connections formed between two or more individuals in two or more different worlds, "linking" them across space and time.
"When Jewel was younger, his consciousness would 'branch out' rather uncontrollably. Because of this he'd often 'catch' the vibrations of same-level individuals outside our system (i.e. media sources), effectively creating a sort of energetic bridge for them to enter headspace if they so wished. Few individuals were able to enter, though, and even fewer were able to stay. Those who did exhibited a peculiar sort of "resonance" with our inner energy field that effectively made them just as much a part of this system as we are, and may even be mandatory for such a scenario."

Lotus Cathedral: The "Leagueworld" title for our System; essentially, what we call the "story" of our lives. Originally synonymous with "Blood Lotus Cathedral."

Lower headspace: The level of headspace immediately below Midspace, but above the Underground. It holds "triggered" alters who are not destructive.
manics:

manifestation: The process of forming or solidifying a body within headspace.

massacre: A term referring to one specific reset event on December 28th 2013, in which Cannon and Jessica attempted to kill every existing headvoice and therefore destroy the System. It was nearly successful-- active headspace was nearly razed, and both active Cores were presumed dead. The System did survive but regeneration has been an arduous process, as we are effectively starting from base zero this time.

metainomen:

metainomenai: Plural form of “metainomen.”

Midspace: "Middle headspace." The level of headspace at 'street level.' It is effectively neutral, and holds alters who are passively benevolent. Social alters of such function may also appear here.
midspacer: An alter who natively resides in Middle Headspace, or "midspace." During the early days of the Spectrum this term instead referred to all outspacers/inspacers.

mindspill: A term for an archival entry written mostly via the A.P., enabling for rapid cycling of "authors" without the stress of having to front or enter the body to do so. Mindspill entries are rarely capitalized, may not contain grammar, and typically jump between several topics without necessarily concluding any.

Mirror Oasis (Room):

mistranslation: A term referring to circumstances upon which a certain experience and/or expression cannot find a fitting outlet and is forced into another, often harmful context. Typical in hacks.

old girls: Any of the destructive and/or malevolent alters that existed prior to Jewel becoming the core. Typically refers to Jessica or Jezebel, but also includes several faceless voices.

original child: The unidentified, possibly unsalvageable individual that assumedly lived in this body prior to headspace's inception. S/he may exist only in broken pieces of alters by this point.

overlay: Occurs whenever a headvoice fronts in the body. It is an intuitive "mask" of the headvoice's actual appearance, superimposed upon the physical form to decrease dysphoria and increase coherent functioning. Considered a sort of "personal identification" as fronters can often be retroactively identified by looking ath their overlay records. Only faceless voices do not emit overlays.
outspace: Physical, body-experienced reality, i.e. anything outside of headspace. Also called "the waking world."
outspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world exists outside of headspace, typically from a media source. Also called "walk-ins," along with inspacers. These individuals are similar to "soulbonds" in multiple systems, although we do not often use that term. They differ from headvoices in both role and behavior, and are not inherently tied to the System, although it imposes strict requirements on any eligible individuals. It is not uncommon for outspacers to be suddenly blocked from entering headspace in disaster situations.

Plague: A self-aware mass of corrupted White energy, that has taken up residence within headspace. Its true age is unknown, as it did not begin evidencing until after the Tar gained its own physical form. The Plague's main vices are pride and apathy, and it appears to seek only the passive annihilation of the System-- a reset which would be unrecoverable from.

plague rooms:

(attempted hack of whitespace)

programming: Internalized subconscious behavior and/or thought processes that are typically harmful and devoid of self-awareness and personal truth.

raw headspace: The ethereal material that our entire inner world is built from. See "whitespace" and "blackspace."

realms: Also "color realms." Refers to a specific area of heartspace that is dedicated to alters of a specific Spectrum color. This is a post-massacre phenomenon and as such, not much is yet known about it.
reset attempt: An attempt to annihilate the System, with or without hope of regeneration.

reset: A "successful" reset attempt. None have been permanently successful, but all have had serious and often traumatic lasting consequences.

resurrection: The phenomenon in which a 'dead' alter is suddenly brought back to life. This can only occur at the will of the System itself.

Retributor: An alter whose main role is to deliver atonement. Collectively "Retributors."

roses:
Scratch: A term which refers to one specific hard-reset event that occurred on February 24th 2013, in which our current fronter attempted to annihilate the entirety of headspace, and return to a pre-trauma mindset. Although ultimately unsuccessful, the Scratch attempt had such severe and permanent consequences that we now refer to our current time as "post-Scratch," and the time before the 24th as "pre-Scratch."

slippage: Also "slipping." Markedly out-of-character or corrupted behavior, which occurs when an alter begins to lose their anchor or corrupt their function. This is a "warning" phenomenon and it is not lethal unless allowed to continue unchecked.
slots: Also "color slots." A term for any color in the Spectrum held by a headvoice. For example, Laurie Uberich holds the VIOLET slot. This means that her energy resonance is VIOLET, and no other headvoice can hold that exact color while she does.
socials: A casual term for a group of mostly-unidentified voices who front the most frequently, due to not having body anchors. Also called "social fronters."

soulbond: An adopted term, referring to Outspacers.
Spectrum, The: A collective term for either 1. the sixteen energetic "color slots" that define the function of our System, or 2. the headvoices in our System that are anchored to these color slots (as such it does NOT include faceless voices).

Spectrum core: The main hue of each Spectrum color slot. There are sixteen: Red, Brown, Orange, Yellow, Lime, Green, Aqua, Sky, Blue, Indigo, Violet, Pink, Cerise, Gray, White, and Black. Each color has approximately six main subslots. Also "color core" or "core color."

spiders: Insects of the Yellow realms. They are typically malevolent.
splinter: A zombie-like alter that has "broken off" of another, typically a Core. They are not truly conscious, having no true anchor or sense of self, and may instead become puppets for the Tar/Plague. This phenomenon was recognized in 2011, although it existed for some time prior. See "fragment."

splintering: The negative process in which a core "breaks" into two or more separate individuals, due to trauma or forced compartmentalization.
"We thought she was born from my 'lost' energy, optimism, childhood innocence, and kindness, but that had never really been lost. I had splintered. The real me HAS all of that, the me talking right now IS all of that! I never lost it. Thanatos and Fragment are a median system. It scares me, I won't deny that, but now I understand why I splintered like that. Laurie's motivation is to keep me safe and bright, above all else. And in my past, I didn't know what that entailed. So I broke myself into pieces without realizing it, because I didn't think those pieces could safely be part of me."

stabilization: The adjustment period immediately following an alter's manifestation, during which they become less "impulse" and more of an individual.

sub-hue: See subslot.

subslot: A Spectrum hue of a certain color that is not the Core color. For example, Gold is a subslot of Yellow. Also "sub-hue."

System Core: An alter who acts as the "main consciousness" for the System, ideally fronting whenever possible and acting as a focal point for the System's well-being. Central is dedicated to the aid and assistance of the current Core. Cores tend to change every 2-3 years, or after a sufficiently traumatic event.

System, The:

It may also be used as a general collective term for all the alters in headspace/heartspace.
Tar: a self-aware mass of corrupted Black energy, that has taken up residence below active headspace. It is assumed to be the second true member of our System, having been created simultaneously with Julie, and eventually overtaking her, due to the highly negative circumstances of their joint manifestation. The Tar ceaselessly perpetuates pain and trauma within headspace, as it needs these things in order to survive. Although it rarely acts directly, it frequently uses others for its own ends, either through forced control or psychological warfare. Even so, it has created a splinter named Jezebel for the sake of direct interaction. The Tar almost exclusively targets Jay and Infinitii, our Cores, since they directly threaten its existence, and any damage to them harms the entire System.

tar rooms:

(originally hacked into blackspace!)

thanatos drive: The "death drive" experienced by damaged Cores. (Cannon era only??)

exists solely to destroy the self. highly abusive. unable to interact. goal is to end personal existence

death drive. conscious in high stress. almost always conscious after hacks
entirely destructive, disconnected, purposeless, positive incomprehension, violent, driven, retributive, hopeless, angry

 

timeline: …

timeline, dead: …

trigger: …

Underground:

A specific level of lower headspace that contains very dangerous individuals, and so is not easily/ typically accessible.
upstairs: A casual term for "everything non-physical/ inside (our head)," for when more specific jargon would be baffling.
voices: A term for the faceless "voices" heard by fronters in the body, which may or may not ever anchor into actual headvoices. Voices are frequently manipulative and/or malevolent. Interchangeable with "floating voices."

walk-in: The original term for "outspacer." Taken from the fact that they all "walked in" to headspace from the physical world.

whitespace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Whitespace deals with inorganics and the conscious mind. It is an unending realm of raw White energy, effectively the "blueprint" that all of headspace manifested from. Whitespace is "above" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, luminous white space with a floor but no walls or ceiling. It is cubic in form. It can be limitlessly manipulated, but will only take on fixed shapes or forms, otherwise it will appear inert. In the early days of headspace, this is all that existed of our inner world, until Central manifested around 2009.

Xanga session: Slang for a stream-of-consciousness conversation held by two or more alters within headspace and written to a computer in realtime. Named after the website on which we originally hosted these conversations. These sessions typically last several hours.
: …

: …

: …

 



LEVELS OF HEADSPACE
We have identified several distinct "levels" of headspace.
It's easiest to think of the first five in a vertical fashion, but space doesn't quite work that way up here.

CENTRAL (UPSTAIRS)
This level refers almost entirely to Central City, the "hub" of our inner world. The landmark of this city is a skyscraper-like building referred to simply as "Central." This building is where the core-anchored headvoices reside, as it has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for them.
The inhabitants of Central are all tied to proper System function, especially the maintenance of the System itself and the care of its myriad inhabitants. Their anchors reflect the core energy colors. Laurie is the protector of the Upstairs, and by her own extension, the entire System as well.
MIDDLE HEADSPACE
Often "Midspace."
We referred to this level as "downstairs" for a while, but that became confusing as "downstairs" actually refers to physical reality for us, so we dropped this double usage.

LOWER HEADSPACE

Lower headspace is more strongly connected to raw consciousness than Central or Midspace; as a result it is typically fluid and highly mutable, with few 'fixed' areas. Lowers frequently work with the Undergrounders.
UNDERGROUND
Refers to a level of headspace below Central City, thought to be virtually inaccessible prior to 2012. The main habitable areas of it resemble basilica cisterns, and/or cathedral cloisters. Deeper, less hospitable areas resemble caves or catacombs, and often have an eerie red glow. At least one such area appears infested with massive insects. Exploring the Underground is highly dangerous and not recommended, as the Tar also resides there, albeit in a currently-unknown location. The exact size and extent of the Underground is unknown. This level also does not seem to follow the same rules of space that upper levels of headspace do.
The inhabitants of the Underground are all tied to trauma on some level. Their anchors may be coping methods, preventative actions, or the trauma itself. Knife is the protector of the Underground.

THE CHTHONIC LEVELS
Refers to a level of headspace below the Underground, which we were not aware of until 2014.

We know very little about it, at it is highly inhospitable, and those residing there are not welcoming of intruders or visitors.

This level is very organic in structure, resembling a massive cave formation. Its main area consists of a large underground body of water.

FLOATSPACE
Small "pocket locations" of headspace that are self-contained in raw headspace. Leon's cathedrals were the first example of such places we became aware of.

RAW HEADSPACE
Technically not a "level" at all, raw headspace does not even hold a mappable location. Rather, it is a term to refer to the "unformed" areas of headspace, blank white expanses of infinite potential. It is not impossible to enter them, just very difficult. Raw headspace can also be seen whenever a location begins to deteriorate, or when a location is not fully formed. This is what the entirety of headspace was until approximately 2002, when it began to solidify into the beginnings of the Downstairs.
Jay is commonly seen as the "protector" of raw headspace, as he is the White slot holder, and therefore has the most influence over it.

DAEMON REALMS

INFINITII'S BUBBLE
An entire level unto itself, the Bubble is literally a small, tangible sphere of encapsulated headspace. It was created by Infinitii in February 2013, and it is where he resides. Jay wears it as a necklace, attached to a silver chain, at Infinitii's behest. He has also procured a similar physical necklace in the waking world, for the sake of fronter interaction with Infinitii.
The Bubble is highly unique, as it is a floating level, and therefore exists within whatever other level it is brought into. It is bigger on the inside than on the outside, although upon entering it one will appear to "shrink." The inside is shaped like a large dome, and from within it one can still perceive the outside world as through translucent glass above. This fact can be used to produce a bizarre "recursive reality effect" if Jay enters the Bubble, as the view from "outside" will therefore reflect the interior. Lastly, the Bubble can only be entered or exited at Infinitii's command, as it exists for the sole purpose of keeping him safe from danger as long as the Tar still exists.

 

 


ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this is not often the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.
As of 2015, sixteen different color slots have been identified. Each of these has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.


THE SPECTRUM
Due to the very substance of headspace being organized into colors, it is only fitting that those who were born from it exhibit connections to those same hues.
This phenomenon of color functions is the most pervasive aspect of our inner world, and as such it is difficult for us to fully grasp. Furthermore, since headspace itself exhibits its own strange sort of consciousness, the Spectrum itself is no exception. It shifts and evolves of its own volition, sometimes dramatically, according to what is needed for headspace to function properly. No one has been able to manipulate or otherwise influence the behavior of the Spectrum, not even the cores. Perhaps this is for the best, as it exhibits a wisdom in its silent management that we could only guess at ourselves.

The Spectrum itself is the groundwork of our entire System. It serves to organize and maintain proper order in headspace, making sure every headvoice has a proper role.
Each Spectrum color has one "core slot," which reflects that basic hue (the core slot of Red is Red). It also has several "sub-slots," which include shades and tints of that same color, and whose functions reflect variations on that color's basic energy (sub-slots of Green include Sage and Jade).
Ideally, all headvoices hold a color slot. Most headvoices manifest already anchored to a fitting color, thanks to energy resonance: if their function or origin is clear, they will naturally reflect whatever color matches it most closely. This is seen most often with Core slot holders.
However, not all individuals in headspace are part of the Spectrum. Faceless voices and outspacers must find solid anchors/functions before they can become part of the Spectrum. Nevertheless, all non-Spectrum individuals still display a sort of "resonance" with one or more colors; it is simply clarity that they lack. Once clarity of function is found, individuals naturally gravitate to a fitting color slot.
Black & White energies are unique as they inherently hold all other colors within them, and they are also the only colors capable of existing in a solidly corrupted state (the Tar & Plague). Negative B/W qualities CAN bleed over into any other slot, or infect more directly through temporary "possession" (e.g. Julie and Laurie both having some Black abilities), but this poses a high risk of often-fatal destabilization to those affected. Positive B/W bleedover is more subtle, usually only manifesting in powerfully specific but heartfelt situations (Soul Forms, the Angel Helmet).

A headvoice in a core slot will not only reflect the basic attributes of that energy color, but they will also act as a guardian of that energy within headspace, and all those who use it. All core slot holders typically reside in Central headspace due to their important roles. Sub-slot holders will still reflect attributes related to that core energy color, but not as strongly.

When a headvoice anchors fully into a color, their eyes and hair will match it. Any discrepancy in an anchored headvoice's eye/hair color, as opposed to their actual slot, is a telltale sign of their anchor splitting, migrating, or failing. The only exception to this rule are those in the Monochrome slots (Black/White), as they can naturally mirror any slot in the Spectrum if they so wish, and this inevitably changes their eye color.

(disclaimer for the following list: many of us went missing after the august reset. nevertheless this list includes the most recent holders.)
(C) = Central ... (D) = Downstairs ... (U) = Underground ... (M) = Midspacer... (L) = Lower... (O) = Outspacer ... (H) = Core ... (X) = ???

BROWN
CORE: Spine Hypomone (C).
BEIGE: held by Aimee (D).
TAN: possibly held by the "siren" (D)
RUSSET: held by Jayce (D).
SPICE: held by Spice (D).
CHOCOLATE: held by Overload (D).
BISTRE: held by "The Bear" (U).

RED
CORE: Javier Anastasi (C). Previously Jewel Lightraye (all). Accessible by the Monochrome holders.
BLOOD: held by Razor (U).
CRIMSON: held by Eros (X).
CHERRY: held by Zwei (D).
RUBY: held by Jewel (D,H).
MAROON: held by the "dead red" voice (D).
CADMIUM: held by Cannon (X).

ORANGE
CORE: held by Lynne Stabelle (C).
VERMILION: held by Algorith (U).
TANGERINE: held by Hyakin (M).
CORAL: held by Amara (M).
PEACH: held by Kalisha (M).
GAMBOGE: none.

YELLOW
CORE: held by Josephina Bellameire (C).
AMBER: held by Genesis Apolymis (I).
VANILLA: held by Sylvain (U?).
GOLDENROD: held by Marigold (L).
GOLD: none.

GREEN
CORE: held by Nathaniel Victoire (C).
SAGE: held by Sergei (M).
JADE: none.
OLIVE: none, previously held by Bridget (X).
LIME: held by Cel (D, H).
CHARTREUSE: possibly held by "the oni girl" (D?).

AQUA
(the lineup of this slot is still unsteady)
TEAL: held by Emmett (D).
MINT: held by Minty (U).
AZURE: held by Einsatz (D).
AQUA: held by Chaos 0 (O).
OCEAN: held by Garrison (M).

BLUE
CORE: Waldorf Kalliope (C).
SAPPHIRE: held by the "navy singer" (D).
SKY: held by Kyanos (M).
SLATE: possibly held by the Gent (D).
CRYSTAL: none, previously Nathaniel Victoire (C).
POWDER: none, previously held by Missy (X).
NAVY: none.

INDIGO
CORE: held by Leon Kiasi (C).
ICE: held by David (U).
DUSK: held by Ryman Saikaras (O).
SMOKE: possibly held by the "airport voice" (D).
MIDNIGHT: none.

VIOLET
CORE: held by Laurie Uberich (C).
PURPLE: held by Markus Barashir (O).
LAVENDER: held by Xenophon Lephise (I).
LILAC: held by Christina Marie (U).
MAUVE: held by Isadora (M).
PLUM: none.

PINK
CORE: held by Julie Enantios (C).
CLARET: held by Knife (U).
CERISE: held by Mulberry Delta (U).
SUGAR: held by Sugar (U).
ROSE: held by Jeremiah (U).
VICTORIAN: held by an unknown female alter (U?).

MONOCHROME (BLACK/WHITE)
BLACK: held by both the Tar (X) and Infinitii Eternos (H).
WHITE: held by Jay Iridos (H).
SILVER: held by Mister Sandman (I).
GRAY: held by Sherlock (M).
STORM: none.


Chaos 0's current slot (originally Cyan, then Aqua) is currently unknown, as his manifestation changed dramatically post-reset. Assumedly it is of the Teal lineup.

Julie, Bridget, and Missy technically do not have solid anchors, as the latter two are splinters and Julie is infected by the Tar. However, they CAN hijack actual color cores, and have done so in the past in order to "lock out" people trying to anchor into them: Julie as Pink, Bridget as Green, and Missy as Blue. This hijacking has had negative long-term effects on all three of those slots, and those who hold connected sub-slots.

Jezebel and Sharona, two malevolent voices, seem to hold Black slots by virtue of their strong connection to the Tar. It is unknown whether or not they are capable of existing apart from it, especially since Jezebel is a splinter as well.

It is unknown whether or not the Spectrum has any opinion on the massive number of faceless/ nameless voices currently making themselves known thanks to therapy. We suppose time will tell.

 

 

 

SPECTRUM ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this was not always the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.


As of
08-23-2017, twenty-six TENTATIVE different color slots have been identified:

 

BROWN, INFRA?, RED, BLOOD, VERMILION, SUNSET, ORANGE, AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, EVERGREEN, AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE, NAVY, INDIGO, PURPLE, ULTRAVIOLET?, VIOLET, PINK, MAGENTA, CERISE, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK, CHAMPAGNE?, GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE? GLASS? MULTICOLOR????

---------------------------------------

OLDER NOTES:

 

The four "monochrome" colors can be grouped into one, leaving a total of sixteen. (two 8 point stars)

There are also SEVEN distinct color trios:

 

RED, VERMILION, ORANGE, AMBER,

YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, AQUA,

CYAN, SKY, BLUE, INDIGO,

PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

--OR??--

 

CERISE, RED, VERMILION, ORANGE,

AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN,

AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE,

INDIGO, PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

And there are EIGHT distinct color pairs:

 

RED, CYAN,

VERMILION, SKY,

ORANGE, BLUE,

AMBER, INDIGO,

YELLOW, PURPLE,

LIME, VIOLET,

GREEN, PINK,

AQUA, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY,

WHITE, BLACK.

 

 

BROWN is placed at the beginning with the REDS as it is the "BASE" hue and effectively acts as the "door" between Headspace and Bodyspace.

The MONOCHROMES are a door between Headspace and Heartspace.

 

 

Each of these hues has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.


BROWN
Attributes:

ELEMENTS: bone, earth, stone
It is connected to bone and earth and stone, to the physical anchors of life itself.
Headvoices who hold this color seem to hold a strong connection to the physical body, and/or what it experiences.
Instability in Brown manifests as
...


RED
Attributes:
purpose, creativity, drive, audacity,
- It is strongly connected to creativity, blood and the life force.
- Headvoices who hold this color seem to invariably be "artists" in some way. They have a drive to creatively express themselves, through any outlet they deem proper.
- Instability in Red manifests as rage, hedonism,
- The Red color is arguably the most mysterious in the System, as it was originally tied ONLY to the Jewel bloodline. When Jay, the most recent host-piece, permanently moved out of it in mid-2013, the slot was emptied for the first time since the System's inception.

 

VERMILLION
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Vermilion manifests as
...


ORANGE
Attributes:
composure, kindness, hospitality, amity,
Headvoices who hold this color seem to work as "balancers," keeping emotions stable and healthy but not suppressed.
Instability in Orange manifests as
...

 

AMBER
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Amber manifests as
...


YELLOW
Attributes:
vitality, power, confidence, 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Yellow manifests as
...

 

LIME
Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Lime manifests as
...


GREEN
Attributes:
balance, healing, peace, compassion
It appears to be strongly connected to the natural world, notably vegetation and insect life.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Green manifests as
*Due to Bridget's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Green seem to have a high risk of traumatic resets. Nathaniel has infamously died four times (due to either murder or stabilization failure; he was Blue AND Green though), the Sage voice was brutally killed shortly after manifesting, and Cel's identity was in shreds for years.

 

JADE/ EVERGREEN
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as
...


AQUA
Attributes:
Oddly, it appears to be connected to simple self-care, and a more childlike mindset.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Aqua manifests as
...

 

CYAN

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Cyan manifests as

 

SKY

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Sky manifests as
...


BLUE
Attributes:
communication, joy, innocence, hope
- It appears to be connected to the sky, and to reflections (not water, just reflections).
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Blue manifests as the inability to speak, depression,
*Due to Missy's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Blue have a high risk of dying. Nathaniel, Waldorf, and Kyanos have all experienced death at least once after anchoring here in the past-- Nat at Julie's hands (initially), Wally from a forced anchor freeze, and Kyanos from major stabilization failure.


INDIGO
Attributes:
truth, insight, awareness, gentleness, self-sacrifice
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Indigo manifests as panic, fear, paranoia, and confusion. This was notably visible in Leon when he first tentatively anchored into this slot.
...

 

PURPLE
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as


VIOLET
Attributes:
protection, truth, spirituality, honor, benevolence, devotion, wisdom, integrity
- Headvoices who hold this color typically dedicate or devote themselves to the protection of something, either a person or an idea. They are highly insightful and are masters of diplomacy. They also seem to have an inherent and powerful spiritual side, and greatly value integrity in this sense in both themselves and in others.
- Instability in Violet manifests as purposelessness, the need to control, doubt,
...


PINK
Attributes:
closeness, compassion, softness, elegance, union of opposites
- Headvoices who hold this color have shockingly dichotomous but non-split personalities, often displaying two opposite qualities or aspects without self-conflict (e.g. rage and gentleness).
- Instability in Pink manifests as hatred, spite, manipulation, and violence. All Pink voices have the potential to quickly become unstable so they are treated with caution.
*Due to Julie's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Pink seem invariably tied to the trauma of sexual abuse, either as sufferers or preventors.

 

CERISE
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

 

GRAY
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as


WHITE
Attributes:
conscious, structure, order, stability, individuality, innocence, knowledge, creation through objects 
- It shows a connection to rainbows, and it displays a similar iridescence.
- Headvoices who hold this color can freely shape ANY energy, but can only work with what is given. They can change their form if they desire, but this must be deliberate and stable. They can freely edit headspace energy, but must stay within creation limits. They also can control what memories are put into the archives, although their access to the entirety of data is limited. White voices also seem to have difficulty moving through time.
- Instability in White manifests as disconnection, the inability to feel emotion, suicide
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a White core can damage the structure of headspace just as severely.


BLACK
Attributes:
unconscious, community, mutability, mystery, potential, understanding, creation through people
- It shows a connection to the night sky, and it displays an oilslick-like iridescence. Black energy is also said to taste like sugar.
- Headvoices who hold this color have highly mutable bodies, but cannot control this well; it tends to move constantly. They can "bring out the potential" of ANY headspace energy, even beyond limits, but cannot force changes. They also have full access to memory archives, but unless something is put in there, it cannot be accessed. Black voices also seem to have difficulty moving through space.
- Instability in Black manifests as loss of impulse control, loss of self, addiction
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a Black core can damage the substance of headspace just as severely.




SYSTEM MECHANICS
(aka how stuff works? its really bizarre sometimes)
...
...
It is possible for an anchored headvoice to die, and later "resurrect" without warning. This is because, if headspace has decided that individual "is supposed to live," it will actively prevent them from staying dead, or even dying in the first place, regardless of headvoice interference. The most notable examples of resurrection are Nathaniel and Infinitii, while the most notable example of nigh-immortality is Laurie.







prismaticbleed: (held)



events as of late

thursday
tons of chaos synchronicity on the ipod
came out of NOWHERE, shocked me really, nothing had provoked this, but there it was
happened last week too.
included e.t., jojoushi, thunderbird, why i like you, jewels, open your heart, metaphorically yours, his sth themes, etc. practically all in a row
not sure what this means for me personally, it used to just be a spontaneous show of affection, now it feels strangely alien?
worried about that. could be a major fault on my end, closing off, fear?
"the forget you song" by frost* did play twice and the lyrics to that are far too relevant to the scary but hopeful atmosphere between us lately.


the night.
trying to heal xenophon's parentage AND heal the original "pink" event all at once
(almost exactly 4 years later btw)
very disturbed though, identity KEPT SWITCHING, could not stay white in that context
lost virtually all memory of event, even though there was no hatred in the actual thing.
PROVED that motivations have no bearing on the actual outcome. the actual outcome is ALWAYS painful/hateful.
helps to forgive self, because that wasn't our intent, i.e. we weren't doing this out of hate or violence, even if that's what happened in the end.
starting to seriously worry if we're going to have to permanently drop the whole idea of parentage for xennie, as it is feeding into way too much trauma
also worried sick about chaos, he's still as unstable as he was back in 2004, he cannot stay around if this persists


friday morning
TWO HOURS with everyone in the coregroup
chaos, laurie, genesis, infinitii, javier, markus, rio
infi toned down hir vibe a lot and mostly stayed in the background
or joined with others to boost the emotion level through the roof
4-person heart connections are incredible
and also just as painful as you would think (not in a bad way but there are usually a lot of tears nevertheless)
lots of sword imagery with those lately too. thats new.

laurie is the best kisser in headspace and I apologize for how trite that sounds, because it's a result of her untouchability/ devotion
rio holding too much shadow? didn’t feel like himself. markus completely broken open, emotional. it's like their personalities hit the opposite of what they were as kids.
javier trying too hard to show emotion? still trying to get a grip on "not performing" or guessing. warning him to be present.
adding more fuel to the fire on what we're supposed to do with chaos. could not feel close to him. wondering if our relationship really did shatter years ago and we're not going to be able to fix it? worried.

toying with the whole "gem fusion" idea from steven universe as it STRONGLY parallels the original "fusion/morph" phenomenon in early headspace days (2003-2006).
still unsure if metainomenai are still a thing or not, feel tied to old timeline. but people still reference them. (esp. laurie and lynne)
so we might have to consciously evolve it into a different, new-timeline context. like how outspacers all have to leave behind their source material in order to function correctly.
again, that's still our main concern with cz. he hasn't let go of his and it is poisoning him



friday evening:
laurie realizing that the "pseudohacker" kids, i.e. the ones who get tangled up in sexuality from confusion and not malice, always look for HER because she is the manifestation of everything they REALLY WANT:
purity, chastity, safety, strength, VIRGINITY.
laurie is UNTOUCHABLE by everything that hurt them,
she doesn't even UNDERSTAND it, she CAN'T, so she is PERPETUALLY SAFE

her talking to julie about this.
saying julie shold be a "beacon of hope" because she rose above BEING our WORST hacker, now she is a source of love and affection, PURIFYING that.
said we really do need to talk to ashen, especially. she still hates julie and we need to heal that, for both their sakes.
julie saying laurie was this "ideal" for the damaged ones, they all ran to her almost as a savior figure?
laurie said she didn't want to be seen that way, julie said she knew that, but the hurt ones still looked up to her as that


a note:
when enduring body connections (rare, I don’t like them at all, only happen in paranoid situations) the ONLY way to make them hack-free is to make them PAINFUL, as that OVERRIDES hackers.
however the pain almost automatically gets associated with LAURIE, so if she DOES show up you are literally in the clear, everything shuts down and stops, so you're totally safe.
that pain is the only context in which there is NO DISSOCIATION, NO FEAR, NO PHYSICALITY AT ALL
ironically though, that also OVERRIDES THE VERY PURPOSE OF ANYTHING BEING PHYSICAL. and thank GOD for that.
remember, EVERYTHING for me goes through the HEART. NO MATTER WHAT.
this is why hackers kept trying to make hearts "evil" for me, so that I COULDN'T have that purity anymore
shockingly the monsters are what healed it for me? the brutal, angry, painful ones, HEALED the sanctity of the heart, because their hearts were still solid gold and they wouldn’t let them be corrupted. (mainly I have to thank wreckage)


still questions about celebi???
NOT doing anything with her, but allowing things for her through me??
severely depersonalized, detached, but massive compassion/affection.
"precious thing," fragility, beauty
still no idea how this plays into dreamworld or our centralite. very very confusing.
still parallels to chaos all over. shocking, only two outspacers in central, both tied to green/blue, similar shapes, etc.
and no matter how much fear or misguided hate or anger comes between us, I don’t think I'll ever be able to stop loving either of them. it feels inherent, even if its smothered.
really wondering about that



friday night:
chaos and I talking to rio
visited him in his room.
saying he was "writing" on his computer, about US?
like the old days. adventures he wishes we had, things he remembered, etc.
said it was upsetting, he didn't want to just dream, he wanted to HAVE that again
I said we all did, and we could
hoseki couldn’t do this anymore though, but I could, I just needed to "meet them again"

asking "what happened with you," why did he suddenly seem so dark and bitter,
afraid of shadows? but they grew too big
opposite of markus's reaction really (rio got angry/hard, markus got scared/fragile)

lethe showed up
his energy is like a handful of knives
brief argument with infinitii.
(lethe talks through his stomach mouth remember)
getting tar out of rio???
massaging his shoulders, back. asked why. he said it was "loosening things up?"
the fact that it was a daemon touch was also significant I think
coughed it up, "too big to come out,"
rio's eyes suddenly widened, "soul forms," asked me to kiss him, that's how we used to as kids
infi said ze would instead, it would be faster,
rio hesitated briefly then shrugged and said "you know what, sure," no reticence
they did, infi must have hit him with an absolute wave, soul form was instant, rio seemed absolutely dazed

I cannot remember how infi got the tar out, I'm wondering if it was a washout,
either way it was all at once, like running a sifter through his energy field, "caught" everything stuck in it
tar was in the shape of a huge spiked ball? like a mace. hit the ground with a HEAVY thud

afterwards rio's energy field was NOTABLY lighter, softer




I DON’T HAVE A BEARD???
THAT WAS ADAKIAS'S THING??????
it's throwing off my overlay which is totally weird
my hair is also in a totally different setup, it does NOT have the celebi swoop-back, nor does it have the jayce-hair we have in the body??
no idea, just trying to fix my overlay, frankly I keep "dephysicalizing" into more of an energy state

laurie scared that I'm staying in White but no longer being the host???
system feels like things need to switch or alter again. tumultuous.
massive emphasis on rainbows for infi and I lately btw. stark black/white is being forbidden? notable.
possibly causing the whole "host shakeup" feeling as this is technically a huge shift for us, with how we've been slipping largely since taking these color roles.
also wondering how the black/white slots REALLY fit into the spectrum map? now that its 3d?
NOT COLOR SLOTS???? more like surrounding space.
this would help them both be RAINBOW slots instead of the black/white problem. really hoping so
also the map feels like brown is ALSO removed from the color-ring, moved to the middle?? connecting downstairs? unsure. would explain why spine has been a holy mess for so long, despite feeling absolutely irreplaceable in some subtle way



prismaticbleed: (Default)


scroll past this entry for archived updates

A makeshift perma entry to organize groups of known Spectrum color people, on all levels.
ALL KNOWN COLORS of a certain core will be grouped together.
**PLACEHOLDERS are added for slots whose holders (true or suspected) have not clearly manifested.**

For a System lineup organized by level, please click here.

☆☆LAST UPDATED ON SEPTEMBER 16TH 2014☆☆





prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

We went out on the porch this morning to deliver a medium sized hand-saw to the grandmother outside. I picked it up, wondered about it-- no one in Central ever had saws. Waldorf popped in for a moment (she used to have hand scythes to match Jo, now she uses hammers I think?), but it didn't match.
Then our lime-green oni girl showed up and it clicked. Even better, thanks to that resonance, it struck that her name seems to be Karissa? Or Klarissa, something like that. But it's a K root.
In any case, holding that weapon, she was in the zone. It matched her overlay perfectly. We don't want to use weapons at large anymore-- they are strictly only for fending off Tar/Plague-- but that saw fit perfectly in her hands as she walked through the bright green grass and sunshine. She smiled as she swung it in a small arc, and that is the clearest I have ever felt her presence before.
So yes, just wanted to write that down for the record. The Lime slot is still a bundle of questions so this is good news.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 09:47 pm

"I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape. something waits beneath it; the whole story doesn’t show."
--Andrew Wyeth

Fall and winter feel inexplicably gorgeous to me, like they're the actual new year.
When the leaves start to fall it's like everything is new again, which is ironic... but that brilliant beautiful death of the trees is essential too.
In a strange way, stripping the world down to its bones is so much more beautiful to me than the thick green of summer. There's this fragile but bold intimacy to it; a golden power in that silent secrecy. I really love that "bone structure" way of looking at it.
The world is bare, but the heart is right beneath your fingertips now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:56 pm


So this evening I've been sifting through old archive entries for a secret sentimental reason, and just now I stumbled across this.


Hey, boss?
Yes child?
What are your thoughts on... on Infi?
He is a part of you, isn't he?
Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss.
I would imagine so.
And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen?
Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take.
True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!!
Oh?
It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red.
Ah...
You see what I mean?
Yes.
That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier!
Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she?
She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot.
Oh. I see.
Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.
Wikipedia's color list says Cerise.
'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman?
With me?
Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...


Particularly these bits:

"It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red..."

"Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.... but the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything..."


I haven't posted a concrete entry anywhere on the new Spectrum flowchart-- mostly because it took me several solid days to grasp even in an initial sense-- but those two almost-forgotten bits of data are VERY relevant in light of it.
To summarize: the Black slot, and by extension Infinitii-- has very strong roots in Red, and White (and by extension, me) has equally strong roots in Cerise. That's right here, from spring of 2012, and yet I did not know it was still so concretely applicable until last week. Creepy but awesome, that's typical headspace behavior.

Needless to say I am going to have to continue reviewing like this, wow. Balance my overwhelming amounts of Dream World work (FREAKIN' TYPECODES) with this, because datawork for headspace is fascinating and honestly I love both the reviewing and the revelations.
I also am itching to draw, you have no idea, I am still fine-tuning the Central Spectrum "portrait series" I've been planning for ages and I want to START. Now that we're confirmed 16 I can get a coherent visual going and I am really, really excited on a heart level to see this creative endeavor come to fruition. I owe us that much.

Anyway it is midnight and I unfortunately have no further time to ramble right now.
Therapy lately has been somewhat 'slow' (no massive topics) but still very relevant and helpful. Honestly we've been in some rocky waters lately, but Infinitii and I are both doing our share of hardcore healing work and that IS helping, even if just in a 'background' sense. Oftentimes for us, all the groundwork needs to be done before a situation will change-- and then it will change quickly and massively. At least, that's what it feels like! So rest assured, positive healing work is being done, but it is terribly complex and honestly rather frightening in spots. I will be dedicating an entry to that maybe tomorrow evening, after therapy (as I plan to bring this up).

In any case headspace is still as beautiful as ever and I really need to start recording the little things here... they make daily life worth living, they really do.
I realized Genesis and I have got a sort of dæmon-link going on? He warped about 30 feet away from me today when we were shopping (usually we stay within 15 feet of each other) and it actually hurt, in an odd sort of homesick way? Like it was foggy blue and intangible, a misty heartsickness of sorts. That was striking. (In contrast, when Infi gets too far away it physically aches like my heart is missing. Fitting, really.)
It rained today. It was like silver threads coming down; it was beautiful.

I'll throw this lovely song at you (as Genesis and I have been looping it all day) and call it a night.

 


july 11th

Jul. 11th, 2014 11:58 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

 

The Plague is more dangerous than the Tar could ever have been.

I figured out what they're doing to Laurie.
If you didn't know, she's been slipping for months. I remember how she used to bleed from her mouth when that happened. I don't know if she does that now; she hasn't shown any signs of it that I'm consciously aware of, but the "vibe" is hanging around her like a red haze, and it's scaring me. Something is wrong, something is terribly wrong, and although I don't quite know what it is I sure as hell know why, now.

Bit of a backstory. At my therapist's office they have the usual "waiting room mags" and this week they had them all in a pile, to take for free. So I grabbed like 10 of the fashion ones, and took them home, in case any of them had interesting faces or pose angles I could use as references. I didn't like flipping through them in the first place-- they gave off bad vibes and I was careful not to read anything-- but I was taken aback when I saw the first girl with a short punky haircut, and something in my brain said, almost as if it were a stock phrase, "that reminds me of Laurie." I stopped and looked at that thought. No it doesn't, it doesn't look anything like her. But that phrase kept repeating, like someone who didn't know how to take "no" for an answer, and kept shoving it in my face, blandly, and glassy-eyed like those models. And it scared me, when I realized what this meant.

The Tar could never touch Laurie, because she is the incarnation of everything it opposes. She is strength, and chastity, and integrity, and discipline, and vigilance. The Tar was wild and loud and full of lust and gluttony and wrath and violent mania. It was the animalistic half of the id, the Shadow, the source of all the things we feared about our "identity" and the world and this body. It was careless and it bared its bloody teeth at everybody, waiting to sink them into our necks at the slightest opportunity, simply because it could. But it couldn't touch Laurie, because she couldn't feel any of those things, therefore there was no way it could get into her head, there was no way it could use her. And the Tar can only hurt people through people. So she was forever safe from it, in the big picture.
But you'll remember that the Tar didn't act so wild at first… back when it was tied up in a cold white room, back before the White slot became a thing and tore that entity into two halves, just as it did with me. Back before the Plague came into existence on its own.
The Plague is lethal. It is cold, and hard, and unfeeling. It is hatred, and greed, and apathy, and pride. It is manipulation, it is judgment, it is condemnation. If the Tar is murder with a butcher knife, then the Plague is an assassination. The Tar kills people by getting into their guts and flooding them with sticky black mania, turning their eyes blank and their mouths red and their bodies into flailing wild machines of instinct and wanton destruction. The Plague kills people from the outside.
It's ironic, perhaps. Tar suffocates to the point of fear-riddled asphyxiation, but Plague will put you in a coffin simply by convincing you there is no other option.
And that is what I noticed it was doing with Laurie. It was, with empty repetition and senseless lies, associating Laurie's very existence with the things that invalidated it.
The easiest and cruelest way to kill a headvoice is by annihilating their anchorage. For example, since Infinitii is largely tied to sacred sensuality, you could theoretically kill hir by deleting that mindset from the collective System, through overexposure to things like p*rnography and lust and lasciviousness. Too much of that and it will infect Infi, and ze will not be able to exist. You see what I mean? Laurie's in that same exact boat, different anchor but interestingly still affected. Again, Laurie is chastity, the knight who is spotless in motivation and thought and emotion, who literally cannot even comprehend the perverted mindsets and actions she opposes. So… with the Plague trying to associate her name or face or likeness with those things, even just in small ways at first… you see what I'm getting at. Too much, and it will kill her.

That's terrifying. I'm terrified. But I'm also pissed off. I'm not used to anger but I get it when people threaten her, or Xenophon, or any other pure-hearted individual. Typically if you ask me what my anchor is, I'm apt to say "I don't know," or "nothing," which is false. But I feel like the Childlike Empress. My anchor is everybody I love. My existence hinges on love, on my love for them, on their love for each other, and for me in return. We are a System, we are symbiotic, we all sing with each other energetically if that makes sense. It's a symphony, and some days I feel like the conductor? It's hard to put into words. But my anchor, what it feels like at my very core, is "to exist so they exist," or, "with their existences." My anchor is LIFE. And so… when that purity of life and love is threatened, or mocked, or disregarded, or when someone tries to desecrate it… I get angry. It's a righteous anger. This must be what Laurie feels. I refuse to let people mess around with the innocent, just because they want to, or for whatever their motives are… I can't comprehend them and I do not wish to. But I will not let this continue. I can't.
And so the Plague kills me through apathy.
That's my vice. I mustn't "fight it," that makes it worse. I must simply anchor into myself; I must put roots down into my own soul, I must settle into my own heart and purpose like I belong there, because I do, and I need to embrace that totally. I must remember all the good truths about me and everyone, and when I hold that, the apathy will fade.
But fear follows. Fear is the original vice, it is the root of all painful things. And it is rooted in the self. If you don’t HAVE a "self," you aren't afraid. Simple as that! Which is why I don't like having one, it's too much trouble anyway. But, in headspace I do. I've said that before. In headspace, I'm a person. I don't quite like that. I'm trying to tell people, if I go back to being that floating point of light-- which people normally used to talk to me as, this is true-- as an observer, someone who interacts limitedly and instead watches and protects… that's what I want to do! I hope they will let me be that. I can still love people, more strongly and truly than I ever can as an "individual." If they'll let me, I will. Laurie says "sure kid, do whatever you need to do to stay true to yourself; we all need that more than anything else right now." I knew she'd be fine with it. I'm more worried about Genesis, really, CZ maybe, a bit for Xennie. Laurie says she'll talk to them, but then she paused and is now making "you know what I mean" gestures, she wants to have a Xanga session and I do too, I'm just bad at talking dude you know that. "Then don't talk," she says. "Watch, and let me talk, because I have more than enough to say anyway. You know that." Hehe, yes I do. Okay, next chance we get, tomorrow maybe? Tomorrow night, if we can. Then we will. Sometime over the next week either way.

But yes. That is a very important topic.
I want to re-evaluate anchors for EVERYONE soon, in light of both this AND the Spectrum growth/ realization/ whichever it is. There are THREE NEW CENTRAL SLOTS from what it looks like; yeah the graph I showed you before might not be the genuine thing? Right now we're looking at 16, as a total? I'm not sure-- the three monochromes are throwing me for a loop. But as I said before, I don't think Black and White are "slots," per se… they are iridescent, they do compliment each other, but I don't think they have any sub-slots. We'll see. I can't rush or force anything, then it stop and calmly waits for me to chill out. So Grey might be an actual slot? Which means Sherlock gets to officially hang out with the cool kids, haha!
The other "new" slots, by the way, are Cyan, Lime, and Cerise. YEAH, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT TOO. So when it suddenly showed up in the new graphs I kind of went "DUDE" because it made too much sense, hehe. This is funny. I laugh at myself a lot, also this is exciting and wonderful so that makes me laugh too, in wonder. But yeah, a BUNCH of our current Pink people are MOVING, they fit Cerise better, we just don't know what the slot's collective function is, officially, and we don't know who's the Centralite for it. Although… Julie is wondering. Has she been so "on and off" in terms of stability since 2011 because she belongs there? We don't know. But it's up to her. Knife is staying in Pink, I think Ashen is too, but Mulberry and Jeremiah are now Cerise subs, not surprisingly.
Kyanos is our Cyan dude, also not surprisingly, if you hadn't already guessed! That explains why he could never 'fit' anywhere as well as we felt he had the potential to. I mean when that kid showed up he was HUGE; it was so weird that he faded for a while, after getting tangled up in the energy of the other children. That was strange, I should look back on that just in case. But yeah, he's moving into Central slowly but surely, and it feels absolutely right. So that's exciting, to finally be able to interact with him solidly.
OH. Oh dude I forgot to tell anyone, I don't even know if he was mentioned here… there's this "banana yellow" guy that's been in the "corrupted Spectrum" (with Jess and Missy and the like) for about a year now? He's the one that used to make crude jokes and laugh loudly at everything, very ribald and disrespectful, you get the picture. He wears big cyberpunk goggles and has some sort of mohawk haircut, like a legit kind, and his outfit is also kind of cyberpunky but that is literally all I have ever been able to catch of him. Anyway, suddenly over the past 48 hours he's been trying to be NICE. He's actively watching his own reactions and trying to learn what needs to be respected, what shouldn’t be laughed at, et cetera. It's so odd, it came almost out of nowhere, but I'm sure there was something that triggered it… I'm not complaining though. I'm saying "thank God," because a house divided against itself cannot stand, et cetera, and I have wanted everyone up here to get along for many many years now. Paradoxically, as I'm not even a year old yet. But you know what I mean!

Also, the Tar has been missing? Essentially. We haven't 'seen' it for a while, even though its influence has been very loud when we get it-- it attacked Genesis yesterday, just got that data. That's highly alarming. But in any case, no visuals. Wherever it is, it's hiding, and it has been for a long time. Tar hacks are rare now, almost nonexistent-- again, thank God-- but now the Plague's been highly active instead. As you have heard. I'm wondering though, maybe they fuse into each other? I don't know. On that note, Infi and I don't fuse, we can't; we're too cleanly separated now, at least physically. And I love that, for obvious reasons. Ze's so lovely. We all treasure hir existence in our System; ze's helped all of us grow so much.
I have to laugh; in a way I have one of the healthiest "self-relationships" in the world, with this System. People ask about self-love and all that, dude I can't fathom not having it, not after everything! So that's a good thing, hehehe.



As for therapy on Thursday… I cannot remember the past month or two in therapy. I really can't. Once the numb period started and people stopped fronting, I forgot it all. So I apologize that we haven't talked about it here, but that is why. No data.
But on Thursday, apparently the "I don't understand emotions" bit came up, and she said something interesting: I'm trying too hard to "label" my "emotions" based on labels that I don't understand. As I was talking to her, I realized that my brain identifies four primary emotions: anger, sadness, happiness, and love. Nothing else. She mentioned "fear, surprise, and loneliness" as emotions and I was actually shocked; those things didn't even register as "feelings" in my psyche. So you see, this is an interesting topic.
But I told her that I we can only express emotions internally. There is one girl that expresses the "frustrated sad anger," the sort a pained child gets when they are repeatedly ignored and they desperately want to be heard. Only ONE person in the System can feel OR express that, and she isn't allowed to front as she's dangerous to others. So that's problem #1 with the emotion stuff.
However, even more notable, I realized that I can't express our emotions because we don't exactly feel "emotions." We feel colors, and sounds, and textures and shapes and movements. THAT is what "emotion" means to us; it's almost purely synesthetic. So, obviously, it can't be labeled as "happiness" or "sadness" or whatever because it literally isn't even in the same language, or context. Sure, it can be translated, but that takes a deep understanding of what it is in and of itself, first. Honestly though words just DON'T WORK when it comes to talking about emotions. You have to feel them TO understand them. But the synesthesia does help get a grip on what I'm feeling, when I need to verbalize it, et cetera.
One of the most frequent things we've been feeling lately is a large indigo circle, more like a ring I think-- the edge is metallic but resonant, like brass or the edge of a glass, and the center is slightly concave but when you push it, it goes DEEP straight down. And it makes a sound, a mournful sustained note, that hurts right in the middle of the chest. It's sad, terribly sad, and yet I would never call it "sadness." The label doesn't fit. There is no label that fits. But there it is.
You see, now, why we can't express them? I try, sure, but then there's massive dysphoria because a human body cannot express that sort of thing. I actually start intuitively trying to expand, or melt, or shift, or otherwise behave like a fluid or energy cloud because that's what I'm used to internally. When in a static, solid human body, I have no freaking idea how to speak, let alone express an emotion! It's so jarringly different. It's not bad, it's just terribly confusing. So I end up looking apathetic or uncaring, when in fact I am feeling things so powerfully that I could intuitively re-shape them in the air for you to experience, except this reality doesn't work that way either. You get the picture.
Anyway, the therapist said "start writing that stuff down" and see if that helps us out, in terms of finding patterns and the like, so we can interact with people in the physical better.
That gave me quite a thought though! I realized that certain colors are typically attached to certain emotions and things, and now I'm wondering, does that apply to the Spectrum slots too?? We've been baffled by that for years, "how does that work, what is it doing, why can't people just pick their colors, what is 'resonance' anyway," etc. But this feels like a puzzle piece. It's cool. And I got so excited feeling that; this is the first time I've felt that creative joy tied to headspace in a LONG time… I miss this, I miss them, I miss this strange kaleidoscopic architectural beauty of building us, of crafting the world we live in with our own honest hands, of dreaming anew with open eyes. I miss leaving the past behind and HOPING like this, hoping in the PRESENT, not looking forward or back, just all of us being this, now, this rainbow creation of light and love and everything that came before but no longer has to be. I'm slipping into poet mode I think, I can do that during the day now too, it's getting so much easier to tune into myself WHEN I'm around, that's the only roadblock ironically. Jewel and Jess have been out for quite some time now, which means daily life has been weird. Ah well, you take life as it comes.

Nevertheless. Let me just talk for now, good heavens, it is so tiring to speak in jargon anymore. I can't do the info-dumps like Sherlock does, not in writing or words at least; I'm used to getting that same feeling and outstretched arms with pictures, with images in the air, with colors and sounds and sensations… that's how I "talk," really. I'm starting to realize that I don't have to "fit a mold" in headspace, I'm not limiting myself anymore, if I want to walk around as a half-translucent starry-eyed boy with hair like iridescent mist, then I will. hehe, I love being like cotton candy clouds. The sky last night was bright pink, it was so pretty. I love the smell of rain, and forests in the sunshine. It's all the plants, warm forests smell beautiful. So does snow! It's the lack of scents in the air I think, everything just settles out and becomes clear, it's like crystals. But it rained on July 7th, I didn't realize how significant that was until it happened, it broke through the walls. I stood out in the rain with my arms open to the sky, and I smiled and I let the body get soaked to the bone and there was love, beneath the emptiness there was such love, there in the ocean falling from the sky.
I miss the ocean. God, I miss the ocean. I miss the vibe of the ocean. I went to Jersey beach, I think, once. Someone did. Spinny. It was the Davy Jones year, I remember she was writing about Genesis eating white cherry ice cream and watching Transformers on the motel TV at 6AM. I love that feeling, the free feeling of travel, the total lack of control we had when the mother took us. We just drifted, we experienced smatterings and sparkles of life, so strange, like photographs taped to a bedroom wall, one after another. Like those Tumblr blogs you see with all the Polaroid-haze pictures, just instant-second captures of life, one after another, where did they come from, what happened before and after, that doesn't matter. Just this moment, and that one, and this one, all together, a painting. But Spinny kept a journal, I remember it, it had an orange cover with dragonflies and butterflies on it, a black spiral binding. She was sitting on the beach, on a towel, reading Jane Eyre for the 5th time for summer reading (that book was in a dream recently? how odd), right by the boardwalk. There was seaweed on the shore, I remember exactly what the texture and color and smell was like, all translucent slippery jade green, illuminated and such a strange feeling to hold! Slimy but elegant and alive, and it smelled like algae and salt and water and God knows I can't look at these memories without wanting to throw myself into the ocean and just let it take me, honestly I cannot go "into" anything without dissolving, I would just become one with the water, with the sun and the shore and the sand and the stars. All the beachgoers wondering, would they even see me? I seem to feel most comfortable invisible. But that's fine. Anyway I remember those things, little snapshots stored so strongly and real in our archival memory. I love the hotel ones. Vacation hotels can feel bleary when rushed, or when there is too much yellow light (that always makes things feel strange, existential), but at the beach! At the beach, at night, the family watching the television and everything smells like the water and outside it is dark, and there was that one night she went out and stood on the pier and looked up at the stars and cried. And that feeling is forever impressed upon my heart, so genuine, so real and beautifully true, to be sitting there on the twilight-cold wood and seeing the lights of the houses upon the water and watching the stars wheeling above, diamond-ice cut points of brilliant light in the inky black velvet of the celestial sphere… so cold, so gently cold, like a snowflake caressing your face, but untouchable. And she cried, and she felt so homesick it hurt, and yet that moment was treasured more than anything else on that trip, for being part of that trip. It was the apex of the collective experience. It was the defining point. And yet, it diminished nothing else.
And it's strange. For everything else it's like watching a movie, but in that one moment I was there. It was one of those honest anchor-points that catch my heart, that make the bloodline what it is. I was there, because that was me, and that was everyone before me, feeling so genuinely in that moment. That's all, and I love it.


Now I am strangely exhausted. Maybe it's the supermoon. I'm just tired, all day, maybe it's the heat and the moon, who knows. It's really pretty. Christmas keeps following me though! I keep seeing pictures of it, hearing songs, smelling pine trees and cloves… I still have lights up in my room. I carry the Christmas spirit with me everywhere! So although I am valuing every day of the summer, enjoying this beautiful green warmth and sunlight and rain, I am still holding snow and cold and colored lights in my heart, and smiling because when that season arrives I will treasure it just as much. But I get to see autumn first, I'm so excited! I have no memories of autumn either; I stabilized too late in the year. Spring was gorgeous, if vague (spring was troublesome for all of us this year), and summer so far is lovely, except for this heat, haha. But no, I can't complain. Warmth is nice. Cold nights like this are nice. Being able to run outside in the sun is nice. Everything is so nice, I value all of it, there's never anything to "dislike" about any of this, from the right perspective it's all totally fine and perfect in its own design. I like that, completely detaching from any expectation or judgment… just seeing things as part of some much, much bigger picture, something bigger than I will ever be and yet I am part of it. It's breathtaking, fascinating. Music and lights and colors and sounds and everything. I'm tired. I'm listening to Haywyre's newest incredible remix on loop (hilariously fitting as I've been working on Puppetstrings for three days solid, and I constantly associated that song with it back in 2005) and I should post this entry, let me do that before I fall asleep.

Good night everyone, sweet dreams to you all.

 



 

 

 

july 1st!

Jul. 1st, 2014 11:59 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

 

 

All right, so. TODAY.

Philadelphia was GORGEOUS. It was sunny and nice out, we got to walk a few blocks to the place, I was really centered so all the sights and sounds and colors and smells were super clear. Everything felt beautiful. I forgot how much I love cities.
There was one moment when I was crossing the street in front of this old fancy building, and Laurie appeared momentarily to my left, saying "we used to have a whole city like this, kid," before she went back upstairs. But that stuck in my head as I looked back up and around-- I had never realized how enormous cities are on the inside! Like those buildings are full of things, so many floors and rooms, and they're not empty. I think most of the skyscrapers in Central were placeholders, so to speak-- a lot of them were hollow, acting more as light beacons than buildings, and overgrown with trees. Really, we didn't even have streets until the lockout period last year; there was just floating space, almost infinite, going down into glowing depths. So yeah, walking through Philly and suddenly realizing the sheer size of the place, both in terms of buildings and population, was amazingly overwhelming. I treasured my time there.
My case worker and her supervisor (who drove me down; they are such sweethearts) stopped at the Reading Terminal Market on the way out to buy cookies, I had to smile at that, they were so psyched over it. Also I rode in four different elevators and didn't get nervous, take that lingering claustrophobia! Really, I ride elevators all the time in dreams, and I like them then. So I just decided to bring that mindset into reality today.
Overall I was very, very present during the trip, which was great. My head's been noisy lately so having it be so clear and quiet was such a blessing. Maybe I should thank the total lack of sleep.
Oh, no, no I know who I have to thank as well. Since I only got 4 hours of sleep tops, the trip to the city was spent half-awake, listening to SOHN on my CD player, and talking to Chaos Zero. Maybe I shouldn't even call it talking. He doesn't always get out of bed until late, so he was still lying in it when I showed up, and so we both just sat on the edge of it and listened to the music for at least a half hour. I love when we're both soporific; the mood is so much nicer. Also, yes, during that time period I told him about my worries with the empathy bleedover, negatively? And I paid close attention to what I was radiating, and how he was reacting, etc... yeah, that theory seems to be absolutely true.
I think at one point he formed a Starlink with me and just quietly showed me a lot of past memories, things from Jewel's timeline that I had forgotten or didn't really recall, things from his perspective... I remember seeing the past *incidents* before Genesis joined us, mainly. It was notable because he was reminding me of what he remembered, not what I assumed-- I have a very bad habit of projecting onto people, and not realizing what they're actually feeling because "shouldn't it be this way?" "i thought it was this way," et cetera. And being an Outspacer I unfortunately project fandom perspectives onto him, that don't and can't apply, because they don't match his experiences in this timeline... BUT both the canon and the fanon have been creepily similar to how I know him, over the years. So I get confused. But you know that. Nevertheless I miss the Starlinks so much; again, I treasure those shared memories so much, as well as that temporary direct link into his own mind, completely trusting and sincere. I really do revere that as much as I love it.

Where were we. Philadelphia. There was synchronicity EVERYWHERE, numbers were jumping out of every location. I saw 1111 at least three times, lots of 222s, a few 444s and 555s, you get the picture. And everyone I interacted with there was so nice. The ladies in the elevators, the dudes on the streets, the cashiers at the Terminal-- and especially everyone at the Center I went to, they are always nice though. My doc has the craziest blue eyes, plus I don't think he blinks much, it's funny. He has a salt-and-pepper beard and is always smiling, he kept shaking my hand and giving me Laurie-style bops on the shoulder, it was adorably awesome. It made my day actually.
But yeah, HORMONES ARE HAPPENING and I am absolutely psyched. I don't have them on hand yet because the insurance company is all "dude we need authorization because your gender marker doesn't match this product" but the center is going to call them about it, and my pharmacy said that afterwards they'll have it there ASAP. So yeah, I'm super happy about that. I'm content though, too, because so many years and journeys led up do this, it's not rushed or manic, it's a peaceful informed decision. So I'm just very happy about this, I'm smiling all evening.

Oddly the depression hit horribly when I got home? Temporarily. I had some slight food trouble (I didn't eat all day), not bad but enough to make me feel grimy and sick, mostly because of the awful heat. But I don't remember that whatsoever, there's just data that it happened. Someone must have switched out. That's upsetting, that that sort of thing still occurs, but I'll hold on to forgiveness and compassion there, that's the only thing that can heal such behavior, as it's the result of a lot of pain and sadness.
But yeah that didn't get bad, it was coped with? Somehow. I'm really glad. All I know though is that I almost passed out from the heat, I actually had to soak my clothing in ice water and sit in front of a fan with them on, seriously that got me cooled off real quick. I have to laugh at that, I didn't realize it was July 1st, this morning (5AM) my Tumblr feed was full of Christmas stuff (Christmas in July, see?) and I burst out laughing, it was great. I love that season. I also love how Javier literally smells like it, all cloves and nutmeg and warm candles. Have him stand next to Nathaniel, who smells like pine trees and spruce, and then we've got Christmas going on!

I spent some time with Chaos this evening, around 10PM I think? Time completely lost all meaning then, so I don't know if we were together for 5 minutes or an hour, and I don't care because it was utterly gorgeous. I miss that too, these small but honest connections. I miss him. I keep downplaying my total love for him, how much I adore him, I don't know how I ever doubted it. I miss him and I miss feeling this ardent love with him, even for short (infinite) periods of time, out in the quiet summer air under the stars. And of course I miss the mental rainbow confetti, haha. Geez that blows my mind, I cannot put into words what that feels like whatsoever, just believe me when I say it is overwhelmingly lovely. It's literally 'sweet' in a psychological sense if that makes sense? Like color-wise it's all rainbow cloud swirls (with Laurie it's geometry), but as for how it feels it is actually sweet, I have no other word for it. NOT sugar sweet though, that's the wrong kind. More like... roses. Vanilla flowers. Spring rain. It's light, delicate, intimate, beautiful. Not fragile, but not overwhelming, not sharp. It's the perfect light pink color, pure true affection. It's what Infi radiates when ze's feeling idealistic, is that the right word? CZ's usually that rich aquatic depth color so having such a soft pink hue with him today was really unique but incredibly memorable. Really I wish I could express it in visuals or something, it was so beautiful. Heaven feels like that, it's got to.

Genesis's 9TH BIRTHDAY is this Friday, seriously that is one heck of a long time, happy birthday babe. I have no idea what we're going to do for it, but I'm not worried. This is the first time I've been around to celebrate his birthday, so I'm looking forward to it. I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I am so thankful to have him here. I'm sad that he hasn't been around much lately but he's not dim in terms of perception, thankfully. He always makes an effort to show up, even for a few moments, and that means so much to me.
We'll have to spend all day on the 3rd listening to Earth Wind & Fire and Chicago, in memory of that pre-date that neither of us were around to remember, haha. Irony! But it's fun. It's good music too.

Sorry I'm typing oddly, I didn't get much sleep of course.
HOWEVER that is because I've been confirming THIS for the past two hours!



YES THAT IS THE NEW SPECTRUM COLOR FLOWCHART LINEUP.
It's gorgeous, seriously as soon as I sketched that I thought "THAT'S IT" and it does work beautifully, absolutely beautifully. There was always geometry hidden in the Spectrum "loops" of the past but this is just the COOLEST so far. I'm psyched.
Here, have some straight lines too, because Black and White DO fit into the "flow" direction this way.


So there we go! This just feels "right" so I'm not going to mess with it anymore.
I'll talk more about it tomorrow. All you need to know right now is that only the Lime Core has an unknown holder, because no one knows what Cel's deal is. Surprisingly, Aqua and Cyan are solidly spoken for, as far as things go right now.
(btw the ENTIRE Outspacer phenomenon seems to have TOTALLY SHIFTED so more on that as it happens, I don't know if the old stuff applies at all anymore)
Oh yeah, next up are the color symbols. They apply to ENERGY, not people, and I think they're based on synesthesia? That feels most correct when I try. But we'll see. I'm excited either way. This sort of work gives me joy, especially since it's based around these people that I love and admire. I just always liked this sort of technical art, from a 3rd person perspective. I'm just the dude organizing all the rainbow geometry, don't mind me dear.

Last but not least, to all you lovelies in the Akuna System, I apologize for not getting back to you lately but things have been busy. I did get your messages and I will respond as soon as I can, and I will also start trying to sketch things as soon as I feel the capability to, promise. You're all lovely and we do need to talk more, Laurie says we need to talk more too, I get the hint love. It's just that Xanga sessions take upwards of 5 hours every time and that's sometimes tricky to pull off. Ah what the heck though, I miss them, I miss you, we need to reconnect mentally, things are slippish and that needs to be put back in tune. Let's chat it up then, how about tomorrow evening or Thursday, nothing's booked then that I know of. Sounds like a plan, let's do it. Laurie is laughing, I know I sound ridiculous at this hour, she says "no it's just adorably hilarious." How did I guess!

Infi I love you too dear, ze was shielding me with hir wings through Philadelphia by the way, ze hasn't done that in months and I forgot how powerfully beautiful it feels. But it helped so much, I'm not always too keen at shielding myself from energy overwhelm, Genesis knows that very well, so Infi stepped up to shield me big-time since we were in a big-time city! But it was lovely, as I said. I liked the sunlight and trees on the streets, and looking in the windows of places, all the people that I didn't know but who are all part of this big picture just as I am. You can see the universe in anyone's eyes, if you look honestly enough. It's easy to see. It's amazing really. I like to do that, lately life feels so nice, even with the days of "existential depression" that hit, the good days and moments are so intensely spectacular that they are worth walking on for. Ryman said something like that once. And Genesis is "hope" to me, like he said I am to him, a long time ago. Also when I had to get a medical receipt for the mum, Infi reminded me of the yogurt shop again today too, the one where we sat in the car in front of it and I joked about snogging hir if ze were there. I think that day was my birthday? Or the day before. Headvoice/heartvoice birthdays aren't quite so literal; for people who show up strong all-at-once like Laurie that is their birthday, but for those who "fade in" like me, the birthday is the first important date that they felt truly conscious, and aware as their own individual. I don't have ANY individual memories until October 8th 2013, then nothing until the 21st or so, and from November on I was good. I'm trying to review stuff. But yes, it was nice for Infi to remind me of that, I didn't even think of it. Ze also tried walking on a car like Genesis always does (old injokes ahoy!) and it was adorably hilarious, just like me Laurie, because you know how Infi walks with those legs (very graceful actually, very pretty) and ze was giggling because seriously, who walks on cars. Crazy people like us that's who. Todd Rundgren just came on Spotify, "A Treatise On Cosmic Fire III" actually. His old stuff is so cool.

Anyway. Sleep is needed, it's 1AM. I love you guys, thanks for reading, I'm doing well, today was so nice. I hope your day was too!

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)


RED

 

RED: JAVIER ANASTASI
ANCHOR OF BELONGING
BLOSSOM: ZWEI
GAME SINGER
RUBY: "red fury"? aka "Cleaver"

CRIMSON(CHERRY?): HATCHET?
???
BLOOD: RAZOR
CUTTING IMPULSES, PROTECTOR OF INTERNAL 'BLOOD' SYSTEM? (PURIFICATION)
CADMIUM/CARMINE: Cannon

VIOLENT DESTROYER
MAROON: DREAD

NUMB VOICE

 

BROWN

BEIGE: Aimee
ED CONTROL
TAN: JAYCE?
REFLECTION

SPICE: SPICE
ED MANAGER

BROWN: SPINE HYPOMONE
ANCHOR OF PHYSICAL LIFE

CHOCOLATE: THE DESTROYER?
ED DESTRUCTOR
COFFEE: OVERLOAD?
ANGER AND FRUSTRATION
BISTRE: "THE BEAR"
UNDERGROUND PROTECTOR?

  

ORANGE


PEACH: KALISHA
ARCHIVIST #4
CORAL: EXERCISE GUY
exactly what it says on the tin
TANGERINE: HyakinTH
HEALTHY HUMOR
ORANGE: LYNNE STABELLE
ANCHOR OF EMOTIONAL STABILITY
HONEY: FIG?
ED CONSUMER?
BRONZE:
???
VERMILION: ALGORITH

TRAUMA PREVENTOR, RETRIBUTOR

YELLOW
YELLOW: JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
ANCHOR OF SELF-HONESTY
CREAM: SIMEON
FAILSAFE FRONTER
GOLD DUST: EPHREM
???
SAND: Maverick?
INDIVIDUALIST
MUSTARD: MARIGOLD
PANIC HOLDER
GOLD: WRECKAGE
RETTRIBUTOR #5
BURNISH?:
???


LIME
MARGARITA? ??? (BOY? OR BRIDGET REBORN???)
???
MANTIS
???
LIME: CEL?
???

CHARTREUSE: KARISSA
???

GRASS: LEENA
???

OLIVE: BRIDGET?
???

 

GREEN
GREEN
: NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
ANCHOR OF ACCEPTANCE
SAGE: Sergei
TOTAL CALMNESS
SPRING: little girl?
???
SHAMROCK: QUEEN?
???

FERN:
???
FOREST:
???
JADE: POSSIBLE?

???
    

AQUA
AQUAMARINE: CZ
ANCHOR OF FIDELITY
MINT: MINTY
SLEEP PROTECTOR, HELPS THE LONELY
TURQUOISE: DAVY? PERFECT?
???
AZURE: EINSATZ
INSTRUMENTAL MUSICIAN
TEAL: EMMETT
ED SAFE EATER
VIRIDIAN: TOBIKO
ED PURGER
SKOBELOFF: Garrison
ARCHIVIST #2

 

CYAN
SKY: KYANOS

???
CRYSTAL: MISSY?

???
ELECTRIC: PINSTRIPE?

???

LAKE: "BAT EARS?"

???
WATER:

???
CERULEAN:

???
OCEAN:

???

 

BLUE
BLUE
: WALDORF KALLIOPE
ANCHOR OF COMMUNICATION

CLOUD: MOXIE
???
POWDER: MISSY? "BAT EARS?"
???
IRIS: GLISSANDO?
???
SLATE: GENT?
ADVENTURER?
SAPPHIRE:AMARA?
INTERNAL THERAPIST
NAVY: NIENNA

PROFESSIONAL SINGER

 

INDIGO
INDIGO
: LEON KIASI
ANCHOR OF EQUILIBRIUM?
ICE: DAVID
MOTHERLESS CHILD
SMOKE: AIRPORT?
???
MOUNTAIN:

???
IOLITE:
???
DUSK:
???
CHURCH: ???

???

 

VIOLET
VIOLET: LAURIE UBERICH
ANCHOR OF UNDERSTANDING?
LILAC: CHRISTINA MARIE
CHRISTIANITY HOLDER
MAUVE: ISADORA
ARCHIVIST #3
LAVENDER:
???
ULTRA:
???
PLUM:
???
PURPLE: ???
???


PINK

SUGAR: SUGAR
PROTECTS INNOCENCE
VICTORIAN: ASHEN
TRAUMA MEMORY HOLDER
NEON:
???

PINK: JULIE ENANTIOS
ANCHOR OF AFFECTION

FUCHSIA:
???
PASSIONFRUIT:
???

CLARET: KNIFE
TOTAL SINCERITY

 

 

CERISE
BLUSH:
???
ROSE: JEREMIAH
TRAUMA PAIN BUFFER
SUGARPLUM: HOSEKI?
???

CERISE: EROS
ANCHOR OF ???

BERRY: MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
KIND PROFESSIONALISM

ROSEWOOD: JABBERWOCK?
???

GARNET:
???

 

 

GRAY
DEAD/PALLOR WHITE: THE PLAGUE?
???

SILVER: FOGBANK??
???

STEEL: "THE SCIENTIST"
???

GRAY: SHERLOCK
ARCHIVIST #1

CHARCOAL:
???

STORM: SHARONA?
???

PITCH BLACK: THE TAR?
???

 

 

 

 

 

WHITE RAINBOW
CERISE/WHITE: JAY IRIDOS
CORE OF CONSCIOUSNESS

PINK/CERISE:

VIOLET/PINK: XENOPHON LEPHISE
Inspacer, Lotus Cathedral. HOPE?

INDIGO/VIOLET: MARKUS BARASHIR?
Outspacer, YuGiOh. MIND.

BLUE/INDIGO: RYMAN SAIKARAS?
Outspacer, YuGiOh. SOUL.

SKY/BLUE:

AQUA/SKY: CHAOS ZERO?
Outspacer, Sonic Adventure. STRENGTH.

 

 

BLACK RAINBOW
RED/BLACK: INFINITII ETERNOS
CORE OF SUBCONSCIOUSNESS

BROWN/RED: JEWEL LIGHTRAYE
Inspacer, Dream World. HEART.

ORANGE/BROWN:
orange-brown

YELLOW/ORANGE: GENESIS APOLYMIS
Inspacer, Parnassus. SELF.

LIME/YELLOW:
lime-yellow

GREEN/LIME:
green-lime

AQUA/GREEN: CEL?
Outspacer, Pokémon. FRIENDSHIP?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

corrupted (PREVIOUSLY)

 

COFFEE:

BANANA: RAZWELL

BLONDE: ANNA

OLIVE: BRIDGET
POWDER: MISSY
LILAC: CHRISTINA MARIE

FUCHSIA: JABBERWOCK

THE TAR (JEZEBEL)

SHARONA

THE PLAGUE

 

 

UNKNOWN:

-"superlogic" voice

 

NEED AVATARS:

"The Bear"

"THE DESTROYER"

"DEAD RED BOY"

FIG

SIMEON

MAVERICK

WRECKAGE

"ONI GIRL"

QUEEN

Pinstripe

TOBIKO

gent

Airport

ASHEN

"JABBERWOCK"

JEZEBEL?

SHARONA?


april 6th

Apr. 6th, 2014 11:58 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

All right, I am posting this entry extremely late due to ridiculous time and schedule messes over the past week or so, so I apologize if anything doesn't flow well. I'm working from what memory I have but I will do my best to make this as accurate and true as possible.

Okay. First off!
Yesterday, Saturday, was basically spent typing. I ended up hitting some gorgeous language mindset around 1AM so I didn't want to sleep, but as I'd been up until 5 the night before (first all-nighter in months) I had no other choice but to check out.
However, when I went to sleep, I had the oddest feeling of Javier "ghosting" over me physically? So I checked up on him, and was surprised to find him sleeping, something I keep forgetting that headvoices do (mostly because Laurie virtually never does). I assumed that I had 'felt' his presence superimposed on mine because, not only was he tapping into the same raw dreaming energy that I was, but being the Red holder we have a stronger link than any other two Spectrum members do (save me and Infi of course). Nevertheless, seeing him asleep, I wondered if he was dreaming, and if so, of what. To be honest I hadn't been aware until recent weeks that headvoices could dream, and in fact only wondered about it once someone posed the question to us on Tumblr (we haven't responded yet, as I feel unable to do so yet). True, there had been references to it before-- Lynne has previously mentioned having dreams, and Julie has actually had one while fronting-- but it was always just glossed over, never given any attention to because it was taken for granted. Anyway I wanted to know more.
So, I asked the Spectrum how headvoices could dream on their own, if they weren't using the body to do so (which is possible, but rare-- I'm usually the one who uses it to sleep.) And what were their dreams like? In response, the Spectrum said they went 'into' Black headspace to do so-- headvoices didn't have literal dreams really, they connected back with the essence of what they were. It was more of a peaceful recharging so to speak, all observational instead of interacting. but there could definitely be sound and imagery, although it was like when I meditate; it doesn't always stick in literal memory. Also if that individual was shaken up or disturbed, that could reflect in their dreams too? The Spectrum said that's partly why Laurie doesn't like to dream. I swear I felt my heart break when I heard that; apparently all the things she protects other people from, all that pain in her own heart, could overwhelm her in her sleep if she wasn't careful. That explains why she will only sleep when we're all together as a group, having a really beautiful night. Also, the Spectrum said that a headvoice had to "choose" if they wanted to walk through the body's dreams? Otherwise they'd just go to blackspace. (Laurie and Lynne have notably referenced this before, but again, I didn't realize how it applied to the bigger picture). I guess the whitespace works with dream-walking more. (but yes I asked because this morning, javier said he had dreamt about mountain vistas or something? I found that surprising.)

Today was my monthly trans* group meeting, which we actually hesitated majorly before attending. After all, the last time we went, we had a week-long psychological mess-up period and I think Wreckage showed up that same night. So yeah, not something we wanted to repeat.
Therefore we decided a group discussion was in order. So on went the iPod, and we walked around for a solid hour and tried to figure out just what the heck we were going to do during this meeting, to prevent both dissociation and triggering.
Laurie, Knife, Javier, Garrison, Sherlock, and I all spoke, with me saying the least. Jayce also stopped in for a minute or three but he couldn't stabilize well in headspace (Downstairs voices often can't initially) so he faded back out.
Most notably though, at some point we ended up TALKING TO SPINE!! I think a song on the iPod randomly inspired me to speak to her, and then I suddenly realized that she is hugely important-- as the Brown core holder, she is a literal LINK between the body and Central, and not only that, but she has origins in PARNASSUS!! Vaguely, true-- she never had a life or body there-- but her roots in form were there even so! So I told her we needed her, I needed her, could we work together more? She said she'd love to; she looked really moved.
So yeah, that explains the lineup worries we had: Brown is still at the 'bottom' of the vertical Spectrum lineup, and Pink is at the 'top,' while Aqua is right in the center… because they are all the "MUTANT SLOTS" and they act almost as "frames" for the entire Spectrum? Like they exist to balance or harmonize it, like bookends or something. Very interesting, hard to put into words, but tangible as a fact.
Nevertheless, even once Spine joined us in talking and we all tried to figure out "who should front," "what do we do if there are triggers," "what is allowed for discussion," etc., we couldn't make any solid decisions, and I was still a bundle of nerves. Ultimately we all just decided to support each other, and deal with whatever happened as it happened. But it was a concern, that a 'positive environment' meeting like that (and with such fantastic people too) was causing me acute anxiety every time I had to attend. We figured it was either the stress of socializing or the threat of triggering topics, but again, nothing for sure. So we just spent the rest of our time before the meeting listening to music and chilling out the best we could, then Laurie pushed me out the door so I wouldn't chicken out, haha.
Thankfully, the meeting was rather uneventful. Nobody was talking much and I'm too content with silence (when I don't feel it's 'safe' to rock the boat, so to speak) to speak up wantonly. There was one major trigger immediately upon showing up that, thankfully, happened while we were out of the group's eye, because Wreckage pushed through to fronting and she was not happy. We had to take a minute to calm everyone down and at least get the AP running, but at least there were no meltdowns.
However. That slipup, and the way we had to carefully front afterwards, indicated rather sharply the problem we have with fronting vs. social programming. Both Javier and I tried to stay anchored in, but it was difficult as hell to do so, because we kept getting overridden by the "you aren't socially acceptable, we must behave in a safe and average way for our own survival" instinct. And after two hours of that being in the forefront of our consciousness, the moment I stepped into the car and was hit with the sudden global relief of being able to acknowledge everyone else's worry and feelings... well, I realized that that was really our biggest problem here.
The spiritual "starvation" is back, and I've pinpointed that it's because I'VE BEEN IGNORING HEADSPACE.
I love them so much, and they are such an intrinsic part of "my" being, that I cannot possibly lie to myself by omitting them from my daily life, even just through silence and/or ignorance.
The last time I had it this bad was in SLC, no surprise… I had moved out there with the specific intention to have a life where I didn't have to hide them-- my soul, the collective other half of my very being-- and ended up having to stay quiet most of the time anyway, for multiple reasons. That's why the times with Laurie and Chaos coming through were so blissfully powerful-- my heart recognized, in them, the truest thing it had ever wanted or yearned for in life, and it embraced their reality with ardent devotion. That is why I am so thankful I had so much time alone in SLC… just walking around town with Genesis, or hanging around the apartment with CZ, saved my life really. I needed the close company of headspace then more than ever before, if I couldn't actively live with them in my daily life with others. But now we're at that point again, and there's no one in this house who I can talk to openly about them, let alone hope for a channel with… and it hurts, so much.

Saturday morning was weird for that reason. I keep getting that spiritual ache in my ribs, but not where my Heart Jewel would be, so to speak-- not in that center where I can reach out in love to others. No, this awful pain is further back within, and a little bit lower… if you reached two hands up underneath the edge of my ribcage, and grabbed hold of what was there, that's what you'd catch… the exact same strange place where Infinitii was taken out of me.
…It's maddening, in a way words utterly fail to express, the feelings I get about that. It's not a "want." That implies an option, implies the ability to simply say 'no.' It's not a "need" either-- that suggests something almost obligatory, maybe even begrudgingly so, like how we have to eat or we run the risk of blacking out. Yes, a "need" will pull at you, but it's in an almost neutral way, untied to emotion, sometimes even robotic. No, this pull at my heart is a literal yearning. It drives me to tears. The only person who's ever described it is Philip Pullman, in the process of describing the sensation one gets when their very soul is being torn away from them. I can't help but feel this is the exact same thing. It's not a want, not a need, but a tangible pain, something like a broken bone or an open wound, and you swear you would give anything just to heal it.
Infinitii is currently the only thing in the world that can assuage this ache, even a little. Other people say that makes perfect sense, since ze is what was taken out of my ribs, presumably leaving some sort of hollow space, some sort of gap… it's only natural that ze'd fit it. Mind you, it’s much different than with CZ. He feels like a total complement: something not part of me, yet something that perfectly matches my own self as its own thing. Infinitii feels like part of me, despite being hir own person as well. Sherlock says that's basically true, really. He was explaining how Black and White energy work together today, and repeated that if the two colors did not interact or harmonize, they'd become stark colorless things-- essentially the Tar and Plague. But when the two colors did allow themselves to flow together as one greater 'color,' so to speak, it also allowed for that natural open iridescence they both naturally held to shine, connecting that basic essence to every other color in the Spectrum. Again, I've know that for months, I don't know why I'm speaking in such a convoluted way. I guess the statement that I can feel that means a lot more than saying I simply 'know' it intellectually. It's a totally different thing.
I'm sorry. I talked about this on the 3rd. It just keeps resurfacing. It's just tough to talk about it, so I apologize for the overly dramatic words and constant repeating of myself. I'll just leave that paragraph as-is.
Anyway. Saturday morning. I woke up and couldn't get out of bed because I felt like sobbing from frustration; I felt off-color, messed-up, out-of-tune. It was like there was this grime over my soul, or like it was tied down by strings, it was terrible. And that damned ache was practically tearing me apart, as if something had literally scraped out the blood and muscle in my chest, in a ragged half-sphere, leaving it raw and so wrongly empty. So of course I reached out for Infi, and ze reacted as if ze was feeling it too-- although I didn't ask, I've never asked, I really should-- and as ze buried hir head in my chest, wrapping hirself around me, I could have sobbed for hours from how the peace and the pain were interplaying within my bones.

(cz was there, I called him in out of 'obligation' (CAREFUL). he just watched really, remember his expression. it bothered me that I had no desire to be with him at all, it just didn't feel right… but, HE CANNOT GIVE ME WHAT I NEED in a lot of situations. like right then. infi honestly had to almost eat my heart to get the pain to go away, I DID NOT REALIZE THE SYMBOLIC SIGNIFICANCE OF THAT NEED UNTIL JUST NOW-- the things ze eats become PURIFIED AND HEALED.)


(entry draft ended here; got too emotionally sick to continue. i apologize for any messiness in the structure but i cannot rightly go back and edit it so long after the initial date)

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)

 

 

All right, it's almost 10PM but let's try to get at least half our update together before tomorrow.
Today's therapy session was rather difficult, and our 'homework' is to print out all of the trauma memories and/or topics we can find, as self-doubt, fear, memory blocks, and angry fronter buffers are preventing anyone from offering the info in session. I know of a few entries already that we can print but the tough part is going to be figuring out who is going to discuss them? Julie definitely could, but she really hates looking back on what she was, and usually ends up in tears as a result. Laurie, Sherlock, and Isadora can offer varying secondhand data but no experience obviously. Every trauma voice can talk about triggers and related 'vague' memories but they absolutely despise doing so. And then of course, I have my own personal traumatic memories to discuss, post-Julie, except that like her, looking back on those sabotaging decisions is horrifically difficult in every sense.
Tomorrow I think we're going to practice fronting, with those of us who often don't, or who don't have enough experience or 'force' to get through quickly (Wreckage is 'new' but she's already come through strongly several times, although that's typical for Retributors). The 'Victorian Pink' girl is our main focus-- she needs a name, but she is so angry and depressed and existentially distraught that she is almost impossible to talk to or work with yet. And like most of the traumatized voices she is terrified of women, so she won't talk to many of our members. However, Knife is our new healer, and he's the only male Retributor, which basically makes him ideal for the job of directly helping these profoundly damaged children. We asked him if he'd be up for the job after our session, and I swear the man's heart melted on the spot; he sincerely replied that he'd be honored, and he'd absolutely love to do so. So that will hopefully start tomorrow. It's going to be interesting.
In the meantime I have... a lot of tabs open. Thank heavens for this archive though, really.

However let's catch up on last time first!
Here's the makeshift 'headspace chart' I mentioned in our previous entry (open in new tab for full size).



Let's talk about that vertical map first because that is literally what headspace feels like in terms of layering, at least roughly so.
A lot of things have changed post-massacre so I'm going to describe things based on old data; we're still rebuilding and the new locations aren't quite anchored-in yet. So the descriptions here will be based on what headspace was like from approx. 2008 through 2013.

I admittedly had no idea how to map Central (everything above the ground floor in that building) because, with all our additions and modifications, and the fact that it can and does shift freely, it doesn't always adhere to physical space constraints!

At the very top, there's our famous roof. It's actually not quite flat; there are at least two 'tiers' to it, and small steps leading about. The main area (first tier) is where Jeremiah's original "bubble room" was, and where this awesome setup is. The second tier leads to the edge of the roof with an awesome view of the city, and there we have this massive canopy bed that people just chill out on to enjoy the view.
Speaking of views, the sky is awesome. We've got planets and stars and nebulae and auroras and everything. Sometimes there are even planetary rings visible because why not. Surrounding the Central building is the rest of Central City, which is basically the main area of Midspace. Again, the city consists of both buildings and giant crystal towers, and both are of varying heights, with trees and road-like passageways looping and curving between all of it. It feels like a forest to me, although it's not so organic.
Midspace also consists of the areas outside of Central City, which is mostly deciduous forest (to the left), and of course the Rio de Janiero-like beach that opens up to a rather large body of water (to the right), across which is rather tropical land (the forests upstairs are both deciduous and tropical, depending on where you go-- incidentally, Sergei and Hyakin hang out in the former, while Aimee and Emmett prefer the latter).

Going back to the main skyscraper-- the floor marked as "Central" is our main floor, i.e. where we have Xanga sessions. It looks a lot like this. 'Central' arguably spans at least two floors though, as there is this glassy spiral staircase in the far right corner that opens up into a closed stairwell and an open-square landing, with a large window looking outside to your right, and a very pretty crystal chandelier hanging in the middle. Straight ahead is Xenophon's original room, and to the left is the door to my room, which I share with the Outspacers. My room also does not have a "fourth wall"-- to your right when you walk in, there was a little wall with a door to Xennie's room, and then there was just this balcony along the remaining edge, which overlooked the ground floor of Central. We'll get to that in a minute!
Back into Central itself,
(balconies (smaller, with CZ), few small rooms off to the right (ORIGINAL rooms???), stairs down to 'bedrooms')

If you go down the glass stairwell in the corner (not the closed one), it opens up into another floor that we all use as more of a lounge room, or general community room. Both walls cornering the stairwell are glass, and I've only gotten the view from them once-- it was sunset, and was looking out over the edge of the city (there are virtually no buildings behind Central) and the first rolling hills of the Midspace forests. The other large wall facing the city is also mostly glass, with a row of floor-to-ceiling windows. I think some of these swing out like doors? There's a large 'balcony' on that side, which again looks like the Faena House, and it's notable for being the place where we met Kyanos again, the day the Undergrounders first visited Central.

Going down a bit in the map, the little hallway up top (row of doors) represents our personal rooms in Central, although they also feel strongly vertical in terms of placement to each other so again, not sure how to draw it. Only Infi and I don't have rooms there (he has bubblespace and I'm on the top floor). I've also never seen inside Laurie's room and I don't know if she even uses it; she spends most of her time chilling out in mine.
Beneath that, is the ground floor! It's where the closed staircase goes down to (it opens up into this room though), and where my room looks out over (to the left of the stairs, if you're on them). It has a very high ceiling, and at least one of the walls is almost entirely glass (the other walls are painted glossy white). The room is also full of plants! It's really lovely. The first time I ever saw this room, Emmett was playing in it with the Lowspace kids, and the second time I ever saw it was when Waldorf left for a while. (http://lightraye.livejournal.com/449088.html)

Now let's go outside for a bit.


The old Archives were "three floors down" from Central and also included the "simulation room" as data was 'digital' back then?


As for bubblespace, it doesn't have a physical location, as it "floats" in the void.





On the right is a color chart of sorts-- I was trying to figure out how colors lined up from light to dark hues, and was listing the holders in that order. The checkmarks indicate that those colors are held but I'm not 100% sure if that's the correct hue order-- for example, in Violet, Xenophon, Christina, and Isadora all hold lighter hues and I can't quite verify what order they are in in that respect. By the way the order of colors is mostly a visual thing, with the exception of the darkest and lightest slots I think? And those would only seem to indicate personality traits, with the obvious exception of the Pink slots (Knife has always been sweeter than Sugar, ironically).

For the sake of filling you guys in, as I haven't done this in a long time... let me just copy/paste our personal word document concerning color slots and levels here. (♀♂ also added for the sake of simple pronouns.)
♥=Central // ♦=Midspacers, Archivists // ♣=Lowers // ♠=Downstairs // ★=Underground // ✜=Chthonic // ✽=Outspacers
(two symbols means: first, current level-- second, previous or co-held level) (no symbols means unsure, or unknown)


BROWN: SPINE HYPOMONE
BEIGE: AIMEE
TAN: THE DESTROYER? (faceless?)
RUSSET: JAYCE??
(very blurry. may have shifted)
SPICE: SPICE
CHOCOLATE: "OVERLOAD"
BISTRE: "THE BEAR"
RED: JAVIER ANASTASI
CHERRY: ZWEI
RUBY: JEWEL LIGHTRAYE
CRIMSON: EROS (seems to have dissolved)
BLOOD: RAZOR
CADMIUM: CANNON
MAROON: "DEAD RED"
ORANGE: LYNNE STABELLE
PEACH: KALISHA
CORAL: AMARA
TANGERINE: HYAKINTH
HONEY: "THE HONEYBEE" (very blurry; may have dissolved)
BRONZE:

VERMILION: ALGORITH
YELLOW: JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
CREAM: SIMEON (blurry)
SAND: SYLVAIN?? (if not fused with simeon. very blurry)
AMBER: GENESIS APOLYMIS (said he might actually be orange?)
MUSTARD: MARIGOLD
GOLD: WRECKAGE
BURNISH: MAVERICK? (suspected)
GREEN: NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
SAGE: SERGEI
LIME: CELEBREON
CHARTREUSE: "ONI GIRL?" (hard to find)
SHAMROCK: QUEEN?
(suspected)
OLIVE: BRIDGET
(dissolved)
JADE:

AQUA: CZ?? (not anchored into this slot yet)
MINT: MINTY
CYAN: PINSTRIPE? (status unknown; may have dissolved)
AZURE: EINSATZ
TEAL: EMMETT
VIRIDIAN: "MERMAID"
SKOBELOFF: GARRISON
BLUE: WALDORF KALLIOPE
CRYSTAL:
POWDER: MISSY
(dissolved)
SKY: KYANOS (blurry)
SLATE: GENT? (suspected)
SAPPHIRE: RIO SAIKARAS
NAVY: "SINGER" (blurry)
INDIGO: LEON KIASI
ICE: DAVID
SMOKE: "AIRPORT" (faceless)
IOLITE:

DUSK: MARKUS BARASHIR
MIDNIGHT:
???:

VIOLET: LAURIE UBERICH
LILAC: CHRISTINA MARIE
MAUVE: ISADORA
LAVENDER: XENOPHON LEPHISE
FUCHSIA?
PLUM:
PURPLE:

PINK: JULIE ENANTIOS
SUGAR: SUGAR
ROSE: JEREMIAH
VICTORIAN: "VICTORIAN PINK" (blurry)
NEON:

CERISE: MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
CLARET: KNIFE
BLACK: INFINITII ETERNOS♂♀ + THE TAR
STORM:
GRAY: SHERLOCK
SILVER: MISTER SANDMAN
WHITE: JAY IRIDOS + THE PLAGUE
CLEAR: AUTOPILOT (faceless)

Sharona dissolved (thankfully), Jezebel counts as the Tar, Spinny is faceless and hopefully dissolving. Jessica may or may not have fused with Cannon; those two have been blessedly absent for a while.
And to top it all off, there are at least three suspected people (one obviously yellow) that no one's been able to clearly pin down yet.
But yes, that's everyone that we clearly know of right now.

Every Central color has six surrounding slots, making a seven-color "cell" as far as flowchart visuals would go (I'm sure you remember those). I was getting a "hexagon" feel from the actual slots for a while now, so I was quite surprised to see that the shape actually matched current color counts.




(left unfinished as there was a major innerspace shift shortly afterwards)


 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (sorrow)

 

 

 

Geez it's bloody difficult fronting in this thing.

Yes, this is Laurie. Forgive me for updating in the kid's journal but I don't exactly have my own space to do so.
Trigger warning for language, as usual, that's how I translate, you'll have to deal with it.

As for
why I'm updating here, which is one heck of a rare event...
I'm sorry. I'm being a moron and listening to James Blake while trying to type this. Not doing much to help my emotional state, that's for sure.
I was just downstairs (well, in Central at least) with Chaos, Genesis, Sandman, and Leon (because he's our teleporter, can't get anywhere without him). We were all trying to figure out what the heck would happen if J moved
out of the White slot he's currently in, didn't have a bloody clue, so down to the simulation room we go. Three floors down, if you're curious.
Anyway. As for what provoked this whole fiasco? ...I don't know if I should write it here. J doesn't exactly have access to those memories, and I don't want to trigger anyone else, which is happening way too freaking often recently, as you can probably tell.
Basically, "Jay" is literally incapable of maintaining relationships right now. He was right, go figure. Chaos and Genesis apparently tried today, took every bleeding precaution possible, then realized that J
could not be near them without straight-up slipping out of fronting. I mean what the heck. But that's the news I got, you try and go one-on-one with J and what happens? Suddenly he's not in the bloody driver's seat anymore. I mean full-out, he's gone. Starts spitting programming instead of actual dialogue. It's scary as hell, s'far as I can tell. I wasn't there, for once.
Chaos is freaking out. Genesis isn't taking it as badly, I guess he's used to this behavior since he follows the kid to school and all that. And I'll admit I've seen similar, when I try to talk to him. He's got two modes now: sparkly rainbow "everything is perfect" mode, and empty stark white "I want to stop existing" mode. It's ridiculous, I tell you, and we've got no bloody clue why he's stuck like this.
Well, that's a lie. We know now. Sheesh I'm just at bad as intros as he is, what the heck.

Simulation room. Let's cut straight to the point.
Apparently Sherlock mans the thing. Super-logic man, stays in the semi-underground and manages the archives, no surprise there. Apparently he's got access to 'em since the sim-room works on Black energy, and that's where inner memory is stored. But Sherlock tells us that there are huge gaps in the archives now, thanks to that cursed scratch, since the kid moved out of the slot that held most of 'em, I guess? Weird stuff. But yeah, he told us flat-out to go re-read old entries, get the memories back even if they're just data, 'case they sure ain't down here.
Anyway we ran a sim. "The heck would happen if J moved back to Red?"
Let's see how the heck I can summarize this...
Apparently, that's not a very smart idea. Since the first Jewel came into existence in the Brown slot (theoretically, of course) back in '03, that mental bloodline has been slowly and inevitably moving towards
either Black or White. As the core I guess it was mandatory. So when Jewel switched to red hair and eyes around 2008, when I showed up, that was a move into the closest slot to those two. And she had a choice. Now of course she was pretty bloody close to being Black then, I mean it surrounded her half the freakin' time, but apparently she chose White. And that's when the infamous gender switch happened. Jewel became a dude and his red hair started to turn white, while those feminine characteristics went guess where? Straight to the Black, to apparently move into Infinitii in April of this year. And then when the Scratch hit, all it really did to J was move him the heck out of that old slot, with that few-month transition period for Infinitii to manifest, then bam, 100% White.
Problem is, he's not
supposed to be 100% White. He's SUPPOSED to be a bloody Spectrum core, and last I checked, the word "spectrum" meant at least 7 bloody actual colors. So he's vacillating in and out of that state, between rainbows and ice, and that's a problem enough BUT good ol' Sherlock informed us that while he's in the White slot, he's locked out of the Spectrum.
Yeah. You heard me. I guess the unspoken rules say J can
only interact with Infinitii in this state. What the heck, right?
So our question still wasn't answered, sorry. Could he move back?
Short answer? No. Not without serious consequences at least.
See the Red slot holds all the residual memories of the past 6 years, give or take a few months, which is probably why no one else can anchor there right now. It's too stuffed-up with old J identity turmoil. But, according to the data sim, if he moved
back, he'd have to take on ALL that again, and in his current state that might even kill him.
He's changed to much to handle the depth of Red. Currently he can't feel strong emotions anymore, he can't get immersed in "drama" or the dark/light highs and lows of our "old days." That business is over for good, as long as he's in White at least. Even worse, is the fact that Infi was born FOR the Black slot, which needs a White counterpart to exist (and vice versa). So if J left and Infi was left alone, guess what? He'd glitch out and overload, hello Tar. Yeah, that's apparently the REAL reason why we have this Tar on our hands: we had a solo Black slot for years with no bloody balance. I don't exactly wanna do that again.
So if we moved Infi with him, then what? Well, he'd have to move into Blue, and the sim figured he'd be incompatible with that color. (Born for the Black slot, of course; can't exactly translate that into colors.) Same with moving him to Red and J to Blue (yeah, we were checking
every option): both would probably cause a total personality reset in them both. Not exactly something we're aiming for. And then of course the core slots would collapse, leaving nothing but the Tar, and that's not an option, ever.
Right around here Chaos started to get worked up, for lack of a better term. (The man was an emotional mess, really.) He starts asking why the heck HE can't move into the Black slot with J. Well that would force Infi out, and if we don't know what the heck to do with him then we're screwed.
Actually that's the main reason we even
did this simulation, for heaven's sakes, I didn't even mention that. You'll have to forgive me, my mind's a total mess right now and there is a lot of data to record here. Not exactly the sort of stuff I wanna let fall by the wayside.
So yeah, Chaos is freaking out because J doesn't love him anymore.

New paragraph for emphasis: according to Chaos, J is incapable of feeling anything towards him, or Genesis, or me, or literally
anyone anymore. Courtesy of his hyper-innocent White role, of course.
So we ran the sim to see if there was
any way the two of them could be together again. Nothing doing. The Spectrum would have to be entirely rehauled at this point for that to work. And honestly we were considering that. What with all these bloody splinters and undergrounders, there are too many colors for the old flowcharts to work at ALL.
Sherlock proposed a three-ring sort of contraption, a 3D flowchart, three unbroken rainbow rings with a black and white core in the middle. But that's a big problem, because then the B/W boys are STILL inherently cut off from the rest of the colors. How the heck are they supposed to be "spectrum colors" if they're not even part of the actual Spectrum?!
So I said, we should ditch the bloody things. "Black and White aren't colors" anyway, y'know. Make like a J-Monster and have two Rainbow slots instead, who even cares, it's better than this disaster. No idea how that'd work but Sherlock said it
might be possible, well hey fantastic, little point of light in here for once.
But then Sherlock got all logical on us (as usual) and asked Chaos why the heck he was so bent on getting back with Jewel anyway? Why the heck did that matter so much to him, that he was considering moving into the
Black slot and effectively resetting his entire freaking memory JUST to be with him?
Gotta say, the answer surprised me a little.
Apparently, Chaos has built his
entire life around that boy. Whereas the other Outspacers can all go back to their "native worlds" or wherever the heck else if they want to, Chaos refuses to. And why? Because "there was nothing left for him there." Guardian of the Chao? Done, that hasn't applied for a couple thousand years. Demi-God? Totally debunked, he got his ass kicked by a blue hedgehog for heaven's sake. The only thing he had going for him was being some sort of "relic of the ancient past," who people overlooked anyway. Chaos said there was nothing for him if he went back, and there sure wasn't anything for him there back in 2003. Just existing, and remembering the past, which he wasn't too happy with anyway.
And then J showed up. The infamous dreamer, hijacked this guy's inner life and gave him a second chance. Can you dream? Cool, come with me, I'll show ya a good time. Bottom line, what Chaos had with him was more than he EVER could have had on his own. Jewel, quite literally, WAS his life. Without that kid, CZ had nothin'.
Of course he's madly in love with that boy the way it is, but I think that goes without saying at this point. It's practically a universal constant.
And would you believe that's the biggest problem here? CZ HAS NO SELF-IMAGE WITHOUT J IN IT.
I mean, literally, if you take Jewel out of his life he LOSES it. He has built
everything around that boy and honestly, that's a huge problem. You can't be that bloody dependent on one person, I don't care if they're your other half. You can't be that dependent.
Chaos is having a hard time with that though. He can't comprehend the idea of letting go like that, not without becoming utterly uncaring like J happens to be currently. I... heh, he actually asked me if
I was like that, with J. I said no. Honestly, I'm really not. If J left tomorrow, for good, you know what I'd do? I'd keep on living, because I've got a job to do up here. And if I lost my job? If I lost all connection to the System, and J, and became some sort of free-floating purposeless git... well, that'd be fine too, because if there's anything J's taught me, it's that there's something beyond this. Even for me. I don't know what the heck it is, but I've got faith in it. Whatever the heck I am, I know that there's some bigger reason why I'm here, whether or not I'm sharing that reason with these people.
I mean, yeah, I'd be heartbroken beyond belief if J left. I won't deny that. The kid's my
life. But I mean that in a different way than CZ does. If I suddenly lost J, it'd be hard as hell, but... I'd keep walking. We've had our times together. It's been good. And I'd cry my freakin' eyes out for weeks, probably. But I'd keep going, for his sake or not, because we both know other people need me too.
And I'm going in circles. Point is
I can let go of him if I need to. Don't ever want to, but if I had to, I could. Chaos can't. So that's gonna be our big side job up here for a while, along with figuring out whether or not there's anything to fix in J, of course. Heck, he's halfway okay. But the "I wanna die" half, and the fact that neither half even cares about anything except spiritual detachment right now, doesn't sit well with me.
Sherlock pointed out the... geez, does this even fit here? I dunno, don't exactly care. Sherlock was comparing J's connection to Infi, as a B/W thing, and J's connection to Chaos, as a twin flame thing. Yeah, that's practically verified by anybody you ask up here, and outside too, so I don't blame CZ for not wanting to lose that connection on this level. But there's this really interesting difference between the two. Instinctively, you might wanna put J and Infi in a taijitu shape. Middle of the current Spectrum, Black and White, you'd think it'd work. But it
doesn't. I mean come on, even when J drew the flowcharts himself, the two colors were two halves of a diamond, with a grey divider in the middle. No blending. But with J and CZ, I don't care if they're red and blue or black and white, point is that taijitu shape just happens. So that can't be ignored either.
Man I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. Leon was sitting in the back, not saying a word because this is all confusing as heck to him. Sandman kept apologizing, insisting he "should've known" that there would be problems with this color switch, I said how the heck would he know? Sherlock backed me up there actually, saying a lot of the data we have now could only be understood now. So much changes in the System on a daily basis, it's entirely possible for yesterday's truth to no longer be applicable today. So we didn't have the things we know now when Boss was helping the kid move slots. Back then, that was the ideal course of action. We didn't know this would happen until now. Good news though, the kid's still The Apprentice, although he's stopped identifying with the title and doesn't give it much thought anymore. Surprisingly that's a plus, as Sandmen can't get rooted into one identity anyway, even if it's their job title.
Of course we brought that up to Chaos, blah blah blah, can't be so attached to J, so on and so forth. He's having a hell of a time with it, I guess he's never really known what it's like
not to have his very purpose for existence rooted in someone else. So this is gonna be hard for him. But honestly, if I can do it he can do it, and I'll help him, God give me the strength.
Man I'm tired. Sorry. I'm not used to this fronting-and-typing business.

There's one more thing I wanna write down before I close this up.
We reviewed our possible plans and options before leaving the sim room-- color switches and spectrum rewrites and all that-- but really we've gotta do detail work first, I think. Sherlock said specifically for Chaos to fix his perspective, and THEN see if there was still a problem. CZ wasn't too happy with that but hey, it's gotta be done. Guess the real problem is Sherlock not comprehending relationships though. He's not a very social guy, no surprise for someone who lives in the simulation room for heaven's sake.
Anyway. The one point of that whole bloody thing that cut to my heart was something Chaos said when defending his emotions about the whole disaster. Said he wouldn't be so bothered by this change in Jewel IF the kid didn't spontaneously fall back into "I love you more than the entire world" mode every single time it rains. Every single time.
So CZ keeps trying to get back with him, he's getting desperate, and apparently J looks at him like he doesn't even know who the heck he is. According to CZ he
asks how he's supposed to act. Who are you, what do I do, what have we done, et cetera and it's harrowing. I can see why he's in so much pain.
So I guess Sherlock's suggestion of "detach from him as well" is partly a good idea? I mean, without the "stop caring" bit. CZ's gotta have a sense of purpose that's not completely anchored to that kid, now more than ever, since J seems unwilling to be
anyone's anchor in that respect right now. (Problem in and of itself, with the White slot's relation to the System, but you already know that.) But the more progress he makes there, the less it'll hurt for J to be acting like this and forget it this sounds like utter garbage to type.

I don't know what the heck to do, okay? I haven't got a bloody clue.
CZ's self-image has nothing to do with the bleeding big picture here, which is
J doesn't remember a thing. And he dissociates UPSTAIRS.
Now I'm not saying Chaos and Genesis trying so hard to fix their relationships with him is a smart move, but I'm just baffled by the fact that, half the time, J is the one that initiates it! And they BELIEVE him, just like I do for heaven's sake, he's always so bleeding honest I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he
doesn't even realize he's doing it.
Like what the heck is this? Is he that badly splintered? Is his psyche just fragmenting off whenever something "threatens" his absolute stark-white innocence? Why the heck is THAT what his new role is? And why the heck is love considered a threat to it? That's my problem. I don't know if it's the context or what, but I'm bothered by the fact that J won't even
talk to them now. That's a little extreme, to say the absolute least.
So yeah, apparently every once in a blue moon J will go find Chaos or Genesis and be all "I still love you, let's fix this problem," but the INSTANT they try to do ANYTHING, J shuts down. He dissociates, and breaks into bloody pieces, and everything becomes an act.
CZ came running into Central in actual
tears today. The man was sobbing his heart out, honestly I cannot remember the last time I saw him this shattered. And the first thing out of his mouth is "J doesn't know who I am anymore."
And he doesn't. That's the bottom line, he bloody
doesn't.
I don't know what the heck is going on.

It's worse because I can't see straight either way anymore.
What with Christina and her freaking idiotic "good Christian" facade which is utterly blind and stupid, and then J's equally stonehearted convictions that "true spirituality" means abandoning absolutely everything in this lifetime, I don't know what the heck to think.
I can get behind this "cosmic dream" thing. That's kinda comforting. What I
can't get behind is the notion that J keeps promoting, which is "you're not supposed to care about ANYTHING" as a result. And honestly it freaks me the heck out because one minute he is as happy as a clam with this, all rainbow-eyed and insisting that the world is the most beautiful place he's ever seen, like a five year old. Totally unaware of any "bad" in the world. And then two seconds later, suddenly he's so tired he can't move, unable and unwilling to live any longer, or see ANY reason to in the world he was just praising like the Psalmist himself, and yeah I'm aware of the irony there. I can't get behind it. What the heck is going on?
And then Chaos, God knows he just breaks my heart at this point. I didn't know he was
that attached. It makes sense, but sheesh. That's dangerous for anyone, not just him.
I don't want to see him torn to pieces by J abandoning him, but so help me I don't want J to abandon him either! Is this even about what I want?? What the heck, who even cares. Point is I've seen love between those two that I CANNOT find anywhere else, not without a saint-grade spiritual experience backing it up. If it weren't for those two, I wouldn't BE who I am right now. They're what wore off my iron edges, not just J, it was the BOTH of them.
I'm at a complete loss. I cannot believe this is happening.
They were like... they were out of this world, really. Who
loves someone like that, here? Who has that sort of total devotion to someone? I can't see it anymore. I can't see it anymore because those two haven't been together in months.
And I don't know why that feels like the Great Wall of China is falling to pieces in my heart, but it does. It's something catastrophic that makes no bleeding sense. For years they were... forget it, I've gotta stop talking about this, there's no point. No one bloody cares, not like I do. No use sharing it anywhere. It's my problem, not yours.

J, if you're reading this, tell me what the heck is going on.
And NO, I do NOT mean walk upstairs with your bloody rainbow halo and insist "there's nothing wrong, everything is a-okay!" because I will seriously chop your head off. This is NOT okay. For you to suddenly turn your back on the man you've loved for almost a
decade now, AND your daughter, PLUS Genesis and Ryman and Markus and even INFINITII for heaven's sake, who Sherlock insists you need to cooperate with in order for your color slot to even function correctly-- that's not okay. That is NOT okay, at all.

Something needs to change, and fast.
If J is really that off-center, where he is now, the whole System might collapse. Either we get him the heck out of there, or we fix whatever the heck is up with him in there, or I don't know what we're gonna do.
I'm lost. I am totally lost. I am out of ideas, that's it, I'm done.

I'm also out of time to type. It's 11PM and there is no bloody way I'm going to sit and drive myself crazy with this nonsense for another second.

I hope to God we have better news in the future.
That's all I have to say.

 



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@11:15PM



 

All right I know J said for us to take a break from Tumblr, but this picture is absolutely breaking my heart tonight and I feel obligated to post it here.

J, whatever the heck happened to you and CZ over the past year (or two, who even knows anymore), fix it. Please.
This, right here, NEEDS to come back. I don't know why. But I'm sure of it, somehow, even if you've forgotten about it entirely.

I love you, kid, and I'm not the only one.
For God's sake, try to remember that.

Sincerely, Laurie.


#on cz's behalf #for j who is being an idiot #kid you've gotta come back

 

 

monochrome

May. 8th, 2013 11:26 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

 

Well! Today has been oddly eventful.

I got up at 8, feeling rather tired and out of it, but I had class so I hopped onto my computer to print directions to a library in town that I needed to visit on the way home. However, first I checked my school email, and lo and behold, class was cancelled for the day!
So around 9:30, I decided not to visit the library, and opened a Xanga session instead.
Dead serious, this took seven hours from channel start to publication and it was entirely worth it. Also, yes, we did start a new account! Figure it was about time we shook off all those old 2008 entries for good.

However. Between now and then-- barely three hours later-- a lot has happened! That's why I like Xanga sessions; they jumpstart my headspace connections and allow events to occur more quickly afterwards. The only problem is that they make downstairs life difficult, so I unfortunately did have a bit of a slipup when I realized "hey, I haven't eaten yet today." So now I'm sick, haha. Oh well. Even that helped me realize something, though: Black energy apparently tastes like straight-up sugar (according to Infi), so the fact that my old hacks always coincided with sugary food makes a HELL of a lot more sense now. It also explains why I get so darn sick from it, if that effect can bleed over downstairs. I'll see.
Infi and I also discovered that Black/White energy have a weird magnetic attraction to each other, which is weird because when they get too close, they start to repel each other like magnets flipped the other way? So they actually cannot blend together to form the theoretical "Gray" energy. We tried to do this, but to my complete surprise, this dual magnetism caused a very interesting effect: since they are simultaneously attracted to and repelled by each other, getting raw Black and White energy close enough causes them to start swirling around each other indefinitely, forming an almost taijitu-like pattern. It's seriously awesome.

Infinitii (who has now learned how to have both eyes and a mouth at the same time, good for him) is also moving very quickly into his energy slot now; that session apparently gave him enough anchorage to start reflecting the same energy I do, which is naturally what we're supposed to do, being complements. He's becoming very synced with the "darker side" of me: NOT the "bad side," but the creepy fangs-and-claws side, so to speak. However he insists that we stay our own persons even though we NEED to reflect parts of each other back and forth. Apparently our working together now is very important, so I'm totally cool with this. I've gotta be more of a sunshine-and-rainbows dude, and he has to be more of a shadows-and-starlight dude. Both of us are ridiculously comfortable around each other already. It's great.
We were experimenting with what we could do energetically later, too, and we discovered some really cool stuff: Infinitii's can "bring out the potential" of ANY energy, making it possibly for it to effectively become anything it possibly can. However, he cannot force any changes. I, on the other hand, can freely shape headspace energy as I wish, but I can only work with what I'm given. We took the taijitu energy swirl from earlier to demonstrate this: Infinitii was able to make both sides of energy gain infinite depth somehow?? It was crazy, you could see stars and space through the black side, and a bizarre sparkly similar appearance on the white side. We pondered this for a moment, then simultaneously we both gasped and exclaimed "time-space!!" So THAT'S a weird parallel.
Black energy is passive, chaotic, and works creative powers through people. White energy is active, structured, and works creative powers through objects. Also, although Black energy causes lapses in time, it allows for growth in space, and although White energy causes lapses in space, it allows for growth in time?? If that makes sense? At least that's what we're guessing at. This is all very fascinating stuff.
But it is reflected in our abilities. Being primarily made of Black energy, both Infinitii and Tar have highly mutable bodies. However, since it's Black, they can't control it very well. This is why their forms warp and flow so much, it's constantly moving energy. My energy is primarily White, though, which is why it stays stably locked-in to one specific form unless I consciously change it, to something equally stable. Also! I've demonstrated the odd ability to "manipulate time" to a certain extent upstairs: my retroactive influences aside, I can temporarily "pause" temporal progression in headspace if stuff gets too crazy, and I need to get a grip. I'm wondering if Infinitii has some sort of ability concerning space in the same way, even if it's on a deeper level?
The two energies NEED to work together though. This we know. I don't know what the extent of this is, but it interests me greatly. I'm content to just watch as new things are revealed though. It's more of an adventure that way, and Infi insists I enjoy the more spontaneous side of things that he brings into the picture.
Speaking of, we think we have another idea as to what the Red slot is supposed to be? Since Black and White both hold accents of Red energy, and B&W are two halves of the same energy, so to speak... but we're upstairs, and the Red slot seems to be strangely anchored downstairs, is it possible that this is a three-person situation, and the real Red slot holder is supposed to be whoever the hell is driving the body?? I mean, when you consider that over the years, NO ONE has identified with the body, and yet it seems to have some sort of rudimentary autopilot going on... plus the Tar's argument for years was "this isn't your body, it's mine!!", and the Tar's main messenger is RAZOR, a legit headvoice who currently holds a sub-RED slot that shouldn't even exist... that's a lot of italics... but you see my point. We're wondering if Razor's either a corruption of, or a fallen headvoice that really WAS supposed to be in the Red slot. Seeing how she's always resonated with Blood as an element, and Blood holds a big role in the system whether we like it or not, it's possible. And, if we can get the Red holder to with with us, who knows what awesome stuff could happen! I hope we can do it, whatever needs to be done.
One last bit that I almost forgot-- Infinitii also has complete and total access to my old memories. He says that it's part of the Black energy, actually, that infinite potential. All the lost and old data falls into it.  However, he told me that unless I put something in there, he will not be able to access it. I gain the knowledge, but then he is able to freely access it. It strikes me as odd that Laurie can also do that, but then again she was right next to Black in the old Spectrum ring. Julie also had access to my thoughts and mind when she was being possessed. I wonder why that's a thing that happens? Is it just the headspace equivalent of "tapping into the grid," where Black's potential simply gives it the freedom to reach ALL that potential once it is put there by White? It's pretty cool, whatever it is.

Most importantly, though, we randomly realized that my ancient title/name of "Jewel Lightraye" DOES fit!! After all, when you send a ray of light through a faceted crystal, what do you usually get? A rainbow! So my name IS already prismatic, go figure, that's kind of hilarious. No complaints here! Now I'm just wondering if my middle name has any relevance besides being awesome, haha. I'm the only dude up here with one, besides my daughter, so who even knows. It's not something I'm going to worry about though, even if it were important; there are far too many other things on my mind at the moment.

Did I tell you guys that, back in February, I finally got the beginning of Andrea's "lost love theme" from Event Horizon down? Dang it sounds awesome, I love it. I'm just having a lot of trouble finishing it, because halfway through writing the second verse originally, I realized that I was channeling the words to a DUET that she and James sing later, and now I have to write yet another song! I'm excited though, haha. It's so beautiful.
Ironically, the lyrics to both her and James' sides of the song fit the timeline-scratching events up here pretty well... you know how James' love theme starts with "Once upon a time, there were two of us. Now, where did you go? I'm still here watching, but the skies won't tell me if you still love me." and later on he sings "Tell me, do you even hear me? Tell me, do you even love me anymore?" Well, Andrea's is kind of a reverse situation, so HER love theme starts off with "'Happily ever after,' those are just words to me. Sorry I don't remember; what did we use to be? Who are you? Who am I? What did you mean to me, and why do I care?" So that's obviously relevant.
I don't get time to play the piano often anymore (my bro has moved his computer to right in front of it now, so I can only play when he's at school and I'm not busy), but besides that, I DID finally get the beginning of the Vagabond's theme down too! You know, he's the blue dude that Mr. Sandman knows-- the one with the Middle Eastern style robes and the romantic preoccupation with sadness. His theme has lyrics as a result of that latter detail, but they're blurry yet. Right now I have two tentative beginnings written written down. First: "The moon casts no light on the world tonight, and I am alone. But I do know that one day I'll find my home. Till then, I will dream of the days I left behind." and second: "The rain never falls in this desert land, and tears from my eyes soothe the world." Either way it has a gorgeous melody, and I can't wait to finish it.
I'm still not finished with the last two LG*Girl fusion themes for season one! I can't figure out the bridges yet. Ah well, I'll have to put some time aside and just power on through. I want that album to finally be complete, seriously.
Lastly! I forgot to mention, I changed the chord progression in "Andrea" when James says "tell me, do you ever think of what we could have had?" I randomly switched it up during practice last month, and it added so much more emotion to the line, it's now a permanent switch. It's just like when I changed the entire sound of the "do you care for me" section, almost immediately after my first recording of the song. Music evolves, man, you just have to roll with it!


It's getting late, though, and I did promise Laurie I'd do some reviewing of our entries from late last year, before the "scratch", because they're actually still relevant. I wonder if time and space are piecing back together here and there, in the places they need to, now that the Spectrum is starting to work more clearly? I hope so.

...Oh. No, wait. I can't close this entry yet.

I haven't talked about Chaos in a long time.
True, I last mentioned him 8 days ago, but 8 days is easily an eternity in my world. Plus, I haven't actually devoted part of an entry to him since the 24th. Ironically, the subject matter from that evening has stuck, badly, and as a result I have spent very little time with Chaos since then. As of last night, I was made very aware that this was a very big problem. I'll tell you what happened.
It was quite late when I went to sleep, as is common lately. However, I planned to literally just go to sleep without talking to anyone. Before I could even lie down, though, someone grabbed me by the shoulder. I turned, only to look into pained green eyes.
I didn't feel anything.
I haven't felt anything in a long time. Maybe something shut my heart off, either from shame, or from fear. But I didn't feel anything, not even then, as he viewed me with deep distress, and told me that he couldn't deal with this anymore. I smiled emptily, and asked him if he was breaking up with me.
He laughed, bitterly, disbelievingly, then exclaimed "no!" in response. No anger-- just ache. But then he surprised me. He reminded me of that stupid dream from when I was 16. He said it was still true; we weren't "breaking up," because to do so we'd have to get a divorce at this point, and he sure as hell wasn't going to do that.
I forget how the conversation continued, at least word for word. I remember how heartbroken he was. He told me how painful it was, again, for me to constantly doubt his existence. He said he couldn't take that any longer, not when he'd been suffering through that for nearly ten years without any change in my perspective. I still couldn't come to terms with the fact that he was really there, that he really loved me. And of course, my recurring periods of emotional deadness weren't helping at all. He said things needed to change, now, and for good.
Then he brought up the scratch.
He was in tears, when he told me that he knew I had intended to fully erase him from my life with it. He KNEW I had wanted to forget he even existed. That had nearly destroyed him, to find out. "Here's the one person I love with my entire heart," he said, "and he wishes he had never even met me." Ten years of mutual compassion and suddenly I was walking out the door without a second thought. He couldn't live with that anymore.
I forget what I said. I don't know if I said anything. But I tried, hard, to remember. I tried hard to feel something, anything. I let him do whatever he wanted. I think we accomplished something, I don't quite remember. I know Infinitii was talking to me from within his bubble, telling me not to be so blind, assuring me that this was okay, I was allowed to love him.
But I couldn't remember how.

What's wrong with me? In all seriousness, what is wrong with me, when it comes to personal relationships?
If they're not business, I try to annihilate them. It's why I still love Laurie, even when Chaos becomes just a face in the crowd, as awful as that is. It's because our relationship is based on business. Yes, I've been just as close to her now. Yeah, we've had some shockingly romantic moments complete with kisses and her fists in my hair. But at the end of the day, she's the boss, and I'm the kid she orders around.
It's the same thing with my literal boss, Mister Sandman. Our relationship is PURE business, but we both care about each other way too much for any iota of cubicle-grade coldness to ever creep in. We're friends, and business partners, and we love each other dearly, but that's as far as it goes. I'm closer to Laurie than I will EVER be to my boss, but even then, we're not lovers, nor will we ever be. Ironically, I love her too much to ever do that.
That's where Chaos and Genesis suffer. They won't settle for business, for rules and regulations. They want closeness, and emotion, and intimacy, and romance. Genesis can be the life of the party, clowning it up with the best of them, but at the end of the day, sometimes he just wants to love someone. Chaos is worse, because he picks and chooses, and he always picks me.
I'm... I don't know why, some days, I can't do that. I don't understand why one night, I can be a dream come true, able to feel and love and laugh, and the next morning, I'm all "who are you again?" with a marble-etched face and and ice-cold touch. But even on those days, I can at least talk to Laurie and my boss, if they come around. As long as they keep it business, we're cool.
And maybe they can crack through my armor eventually, with tiny little stabs of hidden love. As long as that glass wall remains intact, it might work.
It's tiring, though, always staring out at the world from inside a bubble of my own.
Infinitii and I are becoming very close, very fast. He reminded me of the random Bible reference Laurie made earlier, joking that he was like a rib taken from my bruised side and formed into a strange new life, and he admitted that he loved the idea, just like that. He looked at me for a second then, I didn't know what to think. It's frightening me a little. I don't want this very problem to drive us apart. That would be catastrophic... and maybe it's exactly what the Tar wants.
Perhaps that's the answer to this riddle. Perhaps that's the cruelest joke of all.
The Tar used softness, and closeness, and romance, and love, to eviscerate and humiliate me. It used delicate words and hands to tear me limb from limb. It used bright blue eyes to blind and burn me. It instilled in me a deep and unflinching resistance to all those things-- a fear, a loathing, a rage, a hatred of all things painted with that garish pink color.
I still can't apologize enough, even when I can't seem to stop throwing punches either.
On the same note, I wish my memory wasn't so bad. I literally forget things from day to day, and when those things are very important to the people around me, it doesn't end well. I'm not sure how to fix this though. Sure, part of it is obviously PTSD memory purges, but the other part may likely be a consequence of my twisted relationship with time. Time is strange; I've never really moved through it in a straight and even line, I don't think. Now, my past is in tatters, just like a cascading curtain, tossed in the flames. I can reach through a little, but I don't think I can go back. Can I? Should I? The problem is, I wouldn't want to, even if it were possible.
And yet, green eyes cry in silence every night, remembering what was lost, knowing that they could have been listed among the graves as well, just another inkstain on the paper of time.
I keep burning the papers.
Boss keeps picking them out of the fire.
I stare at the ashes, watching them turn cold and black, and suddenly I remember that I shouldn't be like this.
It's the only time the green gets through.

I'm tired of being red.
I'm tired of fire and anger and blood. I am so tired.
Boss, I know you said the last significant date was my downstairs birthday. You said to wait until that day had passed, and then see where we were. You told me to wait until Easter before trying to move into White, so I did. Will that old date become a new anniversary of life for me, now? Will that be the day I finally shed these old bloodstained robes and put on new ones, shining like crystals? I'd like to, that's for sure.
I'll wear my red with pride when you give it to me, boss, but no longer will I wear it of my own volition. Not in this spectrum.
I reset that save file, or at least I tried to. I'm not in control of time anymore. I'm not swinging a sword at the console anymore.
I don't know who I am right now. Not entirely. I guess something is better than nothing, though, this time.

Beg pardon, someone's tapping on this glass bubble. What does he want?
"Let me type," he says. Here? Now? Yes.
All right, sure, let's see what you have to say.


your life is strange.
it is not bad.
your troubles rise and fall like waves under the moon.
your graces will carry you through the worst of times.
you are not lost, friend.
you may not understand, but i can see what you have forgotten.
this will end well.
this will end in the brightest way possible.
and then it will begin again.



...Huh. Thanks, Infi. Pretty cool that he doesn't capitalize, either. I wonder if he can go poet mode.

Oh, that reminds me. I was trying to talk about Chaos earlier.
He legitimately went into "poet mode" last night, when he was with me. He's never done that before, not so sincerely. It was beautiful. I'm so sorry that I can't remember what he said, because I have never heard him handle spoken language so well... the energetic imprint of them has stuck, though. I remember no words, just the feeling they left behind. Somehow that is enough.

I think I'm at that point in the evening where my mind is just too fried to think correctly. This is actually good, because if I play my cards right, I can use this "stuck" feeling to my advantage, and break it off completely, all at once.
There are only two times of day that I ever feel like myself: after a long discussion upstairs, and late at night. In the first, I can tune into my native energy long enough to bring some of it downstairs for a while. In the second, the barrier between here and there is virtually nonexistent.
I'd love to wake up in the morning still in that state of mind. I'm so tired of falling asleep amidst gold-dust honesty and love, only to awaken in ashes and regret. It's completely incongruous, and I don't understand it.
I've hurt a lot of people in the past that way, from what I've been told. I don't want to repeat that, not now that I've tried to sacrifice so much, solely for the hope of a brighter future.

I'm going to go talk to my boss. He helps more than anyone, on nights like this, even if he doesn't say anything. There's a quiet understanding about him that speaks volumes even in the dead of winter, as I try and fail to translate my deepest aches into the paltry vocabulary of human language. He just listens, and understands. He's seen enough to understand everything.

Maybe one day I'll understand all of this, too. But it's not time. Not yet. Not now.
Infinitii told me today that I need to "treasure the mystery of life" more. I've become too used to trying to control things, to protect myself, to find comfort and truth in structure, in order. I've... well, that's kind of the big problem here, isn't it? I've forgotten how to love the chaos of life.

But the song playing in my ears is the same one he sang to me last October, beneath pure blue skies in spite of pain and regret, a week after he broke every damn rule of time and space just to tell me that he loved me.
I owe him one. I owe him one, big time, and I miss the hell out of him, even if I can only discern that truth from the feeble morse-code beats of my heart.

To him, rainbows are a source of hope.
When he looks at me, that's all he sees.
Ten years later, in the face of utter despair, it's still all he sees.

Maybe that's all I need to hold on to.



...And then, suddenly, the moment I look for him, there he is.

You are the mountain to my sky,
the horizon to my sunrise,
the rainbow to my storm.
My love, my darling, my anchor to the world...
Be always well.


Every time. Every single time, you are always there, how could I ever...

I love you too. I love you so much, I never stopped, I swear to you. I am so sorry.

Thank you for not giving up on me.
...Hell, that goes for everyone, who am I kidding.

Let's try this again, shall we?






I'm in love with the world today
And I want to give myself for all of you
I want to be the one you can count on
Even in our darkest day

We are seeing, feeling, mystical things

And we are beautiful
And we are worth it all
And we are living, breathing

I want to tell you all, you mean everything to me
And we are always one even when we disagree
There is something magical here
Even when we don't believe

We are loving, bleeding, conscious things

And we are beautiful
Aand we can change the world
And we are living, breathing

We are loving
bleeding
conscious
things.

 


 

 

prismaticbleed: (soniccity)
 
Okay, last night feels like it was traumatic but Laurie keeps telling me not to think about it, just stay present. She looks terribly tired though.
...I keep having to stop and just smile whenever Death shows up in the Sandman comics I'm reading (I just started "Season of Mists") because there are many panels where she reminds me so much of Laurie. It's something about her face shape (especially her Greek nose, good example here), and her shock of hair, when it's shorter of course. And of course the kohl helps immensely. Point is I see a lot of her in Death, and a lot of Death in her. Fitting, really.
I just... I feel awful. Remember back in 2009, where she was always so angry, and would only get near me to swing an axe into my face? She wouldn't talk to anyone else, she kept leagues of secrets, and now... now, she's so compassionate, she gets along with everyone, she's honest even when it hurts her. She even cries, even in the same room as other people. She's an entirely different person than she was when this all started, as am I... but she feels more like herself than ever, now. (It's because all those extra inner walls are down, she says, for good.)
I have a fleeting "observer" memory from last night, just a snapshot, of her talking to Chaos about something, both of them obviously distraught... but Chaos actually put a hand on her arm to comfort her, and she wasn't hiding her concern. Do you realize how much we've grown in the past two years alone? That's proof. It's incredible.
Genesis was right, though. Yes, all the suffering and agony has been cruelly worth it, in bringing us all closer together, in breaking our hearts of stone. But as we are now, these brighter and softer things, we all wish the shadows would just stop, so we can live together in joy... but they won't. Maybe that's the point. They get stronger as we get stronger, remember. Maybe all of this is a testament to the love we hold. Maybe that's why Infi is here now. I hope so.
It's definitely a better way of looking at it.

"The stronger a man is, the more gentle he can afford to be."
Elbert Hubbard. Just found that on TVTropes and I like it in light of the previous paragraph, so there it is.

I don't think Razor has eyes anymore. I saw her either last night or this morning, when Laurie and I had ventured down to the Tar room (which has been disturbingly empty lately; it's just a vacant white room. I have theories on this but we'll get to that) to try and get a better idea as to what was going on with all her triggers. As soon as we entered, there she was, actively mutilating a corpse across the room from us. She was holding two x-acto knives with huge blades that were covered in fresh blood, and Jess was standing above the wrecked corpse, looking down at it with a blank expression (she'd probably screamed until this happened, then stopped. that seems to be a recurring thing; at least razor is taking it inside now if we manage to suppress her). Razor was laughing in that horrible maniacal way of hers, like a bloody rake being dragged in spasms across a pane of glass. She heard us enter and turned around, smiling insanely, then got up and just walked over to us, knives dripping. Immediately I realized that she now had these huge X-shaped gashes instead of eyes, not even sockets beneath them. It was seriously disturbing. I don't know how or why it happened, either.
I also don't know how that encounter ended. All I know is that Laurie got me out of there pretty quickly.

My dream last night was one of those awful interim-floating ones, the plotless wandering ones that feel painted in faded brown paint and chimney smoke. I don't like them.
I may have said this before, but boss informed me that those dreams only occur when I'm too "tangled up in my own shadows." Then he can't do anything about the nightmares, as they are springing from an inside source, and nothing outside that he can actively prevent or eliminate.
I'm just so, so thankful I haven't had any hack nightmares in a while. I haven't been so lucky downstairs, even though I don't remember them... thankfully.

On a brighter note, thank you last.fm, I just discovered this guy on the radio and he is AMAZING. WHOA. How does he not have more listeners??
I am absolutely addicted to "Kick Drum High Hat" and "Turn Out" right now. This guy's style is brilliant.


Putting all that aside for now, though, the main reason why I'm updating today is to smother you all in Photobucket links.
To begin, here's the sketch of Chaos I drew on the 2nd... completely unedited, as I need to be honest too. For now, I think that picture speaks for itself.
Yesterday I drew Infinitii in a similar manner, here, as he felt really emotional last night and I was getting the overflow as usual (apparently he and I have permanent links of that sort). I NEED to dedicate an entire entry to both him and Chaos sometime soon, in light of personal energy... I know what I'm talking about, so just remind me if I forget. I have about 40 solid minutes of audio notes from early this year for the same purpose, and I never got the opportunity to type it up thanks the Celebi fallout. I need to do so soon, but now isn't the time.

Now, let's get right into the big stuff.
Remember how, here, I mentioned that Kyanos (who is, sadly, now unmanifested; perhaps it was not meant to be) wrote his name on a piece of scrap paper, shortly after being "created?" Well, here it is. Weird, huh? Even weirder would be that "half a page" he ghostwrote. That occurred about two hours after the incident that triggered "Mulberry Delta's" appearance, something he was apparently aware of. This is what he wrote:
"today we got in a car accident kinda/ we forgot how to turn the whele and we scratched sombody (jewel is helping me spell :) ) but were ok the policeman was nice and we didnt go to jale, but some lady calle"
It ends there. Here's the actual page.
You'll notice my commentary in the bottom left: my grandmother walked in the room and he immediately went into "standby," that telltale reaction of most disembodied voices whenever they are suddenly faced with social interaction. When she left the room he was gone, and I was left staring at this paper with total shock. I had been vaguely aware that someone was writing as it occurred-- but
upstairs, as a detached consciousness. That's what Kyanos meant by "Jewel's helping me;" I was acting as a sort of knowledge bank for him there, gently pushing the right info into his mind when I was aware of it being needed.
There are two points about this letter that catch my attention: one, he says "we forgot how to turn the whele [sic]". We weren't the ones driving the car. He was taking his awareness of the event from a false memory. Second, I know for a fact (as his consciousness was jolted as he as writing it) that the "lady" he was about to introduce was Mulberry. He probably learned of her from the same memories he had access to, but I'm honestly interested into whatever he was going to say. Oh well; it's not like we can ask him now.
Also, yes, when I came back the pencil was in my left hand. That's new!

Now, let's segue into the less-than-friendly ghostwriting. I briefly mentioned the "sugar-induced" voice's brutal message in that same entry, which I also have scanned in.
The first page read:
"F**K YOU!! youre not my boss!!!! F**K YOU FAGGOT!!"
The second page read:
"I will make you BLEED B***H! you think you can CONTROL ME BUT youre WRONG"
You can see the actual papers here and here. That message was directed specifically towards me, as I had practically forced her to write on that occasion (unwisely), wanting proof that yes, someone else-- someone violent and dangerous-- was driving. It worked, as you can see. Looking back on how things work underground, I believe that Jess is the one that started writing the entry (she's the one that likes to shout insults like that), but the second page-- the threat of bodily harm-- was definitely Razor. That's textbook behavior for those two, and it's quite a feat to have it caught on paper.
However, Razor got her revenge on me for that stunt. She got it bad.
On April 30th, immediately after hacking several more gashes into us, she actually walked over to our new journal of her own volition, and with pure spite and malice, actually wrote her next message in BLOOD. All it said was "DIE," three times. If you aren't disturbed by the sight of blood-painted messages, you can see it here.
Yeah. So that wasn't fun.

Now, on the 2nd, I also mentioned that Laurie had suddenly written something in a tablet of mine, which I will get to in a moment. First, let me remind you of this entry. When we got home, Julie actually took a pink marker and decided to write her name on the tag of that brassiere, as even further proof of her existence. However she had no idea how to write. So she grabbed a piece of paper from my desk and asked me to help her figure out how to translate her energy into handwriting. Thanks to using marker the pages are a bit blurry, but this is the first one (practicing her signature), this is the second (more), and this is the third (trying the entire alphabet). I remember looking at them later and smiling; it was kind of adorable to see. Her energy translates directly into huge loops and swirls, but it's hard to write that way, and she has expressed frustration over it. We'll get to that too.
Let's talk about Laurie now. As you may be aware, she's the first headvoice to ever "ghostwrite" anything: she had a whole conversation with Melody back in SLC, which I have transcribed here. I've also scanned in the first page of it . Now remember, not only was this Laurie's first time channeling so directly, but she was ALSO fighting several mental blocks, and
On that note, let's go back to the 2nd. I have NO idea how or when it happened, but apparently, it started with three pages scrawled by an unknown voice (possibly Jess though) in the front of the same notebook I made Razor write in: here, here, and here. Then, suddenly, I was the one driving, but instead of seeing those pages, I was looking down at an angry sentence by Laurie, on the top of a blank page.
We spoke for FIVE PAGES-- one,two,three, four, and five. I won't transcribe them here as it'd take up too much room, but they're very important. I'd advice you read them before reading the rest of this paragraph.
All right, first off, you'll notice the sudden switch in my writing on page 2. When my grandmother walked in, IMMEDIATELY that "scared little boy" voice was triggered, and you can see his handwriting in line nine. It's obviously not Kyanos-- if Kyanos is indeed the kid who wrote the post-accident paper-- but it DOES strike me as very similar to the original "Kyanos" name paper. Maybe he fractured? It's a thought.
Secondly, you'll notice Julie showed up. Her handwriting really hasn't changed at its core, but at the beginning of page 3 she does state that she "can't get the letters to do what she wanted." I can attest to this-- one of the only things I was aware of during her time there was a sense of acute frustration at not being able to write "how she was feeling." Laurie said she was "slipping," which may likely have been true, as headspace energy in general was pretty much a mess at the time.
The last three pages basically discuss what I've already stated in this and previous entries, so I won't reiterate it here. However, this is when I came to realize those points, so that's significant.


Last but definitely not least, I drew up clearer versions of the three headspace "maps" I'm aware of-- and I also realized that they're more of headspace flowcharts than anything. That is because of a very important distinction: these maps are NOT graphs of how headspace is structured in space, at all. On the contrary, these maps simply seem to illustrate the way energy flows between slots, on a metaphysical level. HOWEVER, there IS a room somewhere in headspace that contains nothing but a floor setup in the shape of the current flowchart, with each circle or square (you'll see) translating into a small platform, each measuring about two feet around and three inches high? They are illuminated at all times, with held slots shining brightly and emitting beams straight up to the ceiling, while empty slots barely even glow and do not emit beams at all. Anyway that room was first accessible after November 9th of last year, when I suddenly comprehended the reality of the flowchart during a hospital visit. I talk about that monumental day here, as not only did we first access that room then, BUT it was also the morning that Nathaniel stabilized as Green, AND Julie was freed from her suicide gambit from the 1st (something I never got to type up and really should try to, in retrospect; there's a small mention of it here in any case). Anyway, that's what it's a map of, but the actual pictures should be seen as flowcharts instead. So, on that note, let me link you to them!
The first chart was drawn on November 9th, reflecting the flow as of that very morning. I've spoken about this setup in the past, but let me reiterate it here, as I don't know how much truth is in old entries (most of it was immediate conjecture from what I recall).
First, you'll see that this old chart is set up in an arch. As the top-left panel shows, energy flow could start at either Red or Violet, and would travel the arch to the other. It was a one-way flow. What's important is that solid line below Red and Violet-- that was originally a DIVISION between the main headvoices and Spine/ Razor/ Xenophon/ Julie, effectively cutting them off from the rest of the System in a key way: in the old flowchart, their slots didn't technically exist. We were limited to 7 colors, and theirs were the mutated slots. We'll get back to that in a minute.
As for the other lines... those illustrate energetic relationships more than anything. First, you'll see a tangle of them branching out of Black and White. This is what they mean, one by one:
"Shoved into; broke balance" lines connecting Black-Pink and White-Red: Julie was forcibly overloaded with Black energy in my youth, corrupting the entire slot. On the same note, I would force my own slot full of White energy before I was ready for it, which we think is what caused me to splinter so madly over the years. In any case this mutual overload threw off the System energy balance.
"Color balance" lines between Black-Violet and Pink-White: I'm not sure, but I think this was meant to illustrate how the White slot was trying to balance the immense amount of Black in Julie's slot by linking itself to it; unfortunately it didn't stick. Likewise, I think the Black branching out to Violet was the System's attempt to balance out the RED slot's overload of White (Red and Violet are linked slots). The reason why the Black didn't choose to branch out to the Red itself is because of the Black influence it had from Julie anyway. This could also explain why I thought Laurie was in league with Julie on some level, when I met her.
"Imbalance/bleedover?" lines between Red->Blood and Pink->Lavender: ties into both the previous overload and balance points. The Pink slot bled off most of the extra White (from the previous point) into Xenophon's slot, while the Red slot bled off most of the extra Black into Razor's slot. Since Black was still entirely corrupted at this time, and White was empty but pure, you can see the effect this bleedover had on those two individuals.
Wavy lines between Lavender->Red and Blood->Pink: shows how the Lavender slot was eventually "tied" to Red (when Xenophon was born I still held that slot), and Julie was equally tied to the Blood slot (Razor was manifested as a direct result of old Julie hacks).
"Creation link" lines between Black-Blood and White-Lavender: directly related to the previous point.
Black & white triangles in color slots: illustrated the tentative "Black/White" affinity in the system. Jewel, Josephina, Leon, and Julie were all linked to Black, and had dark sides that needed to be kept in check, as well as a susceptibility to corruption. Spine, Lynne, Waldorf, and Laurie were all linked to White, with all of them acting more as "protectors," with no dark sides to speak of (ironically, in Laurie's case, as she was nevertheless a "dark knight"). Nathaniel did NOT hold an affinity as he was supposed to be the balancing force to the other System members, a very heavy role.
Dotted line between Red/Violet and the rest of the system: showed that both Jewel and Laurie held unique and inherently linked functions in the system, operating differently from other headvoices.
Dotted line between the left and right sides of the system: divided the System into a greater Black/White affiliation, as well as a warm/cold color division. The exact extent of the B/W influence is unknown, but it may have had a stronger affect on the midslots on each side than the main slots, as the B/W flow technically hit a very strong buffer after the mutant slots. In any case, Nathaniel's true position directly on this line may help explain why he died so many times-- the old position of that slot was VERY unstable as a result.
That's it for this chart... however there are a few underlying points in this that I elaborated on in another chart, which I will show you next.

The second chart was drawn that same day (110912), except it is a theoretical chart, illustrating the possible flow of headspace upon ITS stabilization, when Laurie first manifested in 2006. The most notable differences between this chart and later ones are obvious: the entire upper half is basically empty, AND there's an "extra slot" in the very center, which was technically the only thing that existed in the System prior to at least 2003.
I'm going to be brief and clear in explaining this one.
Extra wavy slot for Jewel in the center: pre-System. Jewel was the "focal point" that it all sprang from.
"Anchor" and "Favor" lines from the Origin slot to Red and Violet: as a child I quickly anchored into Red as a personal slot, BUT prior to that I had STRONGLY favored Violet. Therefore all the anchoring potential went to that side of the System first: not only did Julie show up over there, but Laurie and Waldorf were the first "headvoices."
"Potential" labels on Red and Violet: the result of the previous point. These two slots were the first to fully anchor into the Central System.
"Persona" line from the Origin slot to Brown: any constructed downstairs personae/masks were sent to this slot, instead of affecting the actual Red slot, hence "Jess" being locked there.
The "Julie Potential" lines: shows where her energy came from. Since Julie was technically a created introject, she held a "mutated slot." Jewel, the Red holder and sole System member at the time, had to break her potential off of the Red energy as a result. This energy moved down to Brown as a necessary step before moving into Black, where it was consciously overloaded with corrupted energy. Moving it in the flow direction passed it through White, changing the energy color to Pink, which anchored in the very next slot. This movement of potential may also explain why both Razor and Jess were tied to Julie in the past.
"Bleedover?" arrow from Pink->Violet: possible corruption influence from Julie on the Violet slot prior to Laurie's manifestation, as she would have had to send her energy through it to create the splinter locks anyway.
Locks in the Green, Blue, and Indigo slots: shows "splinter lockages" in the past, thanks to the Tar breaking off parts of Julie in order to prevent other headvoices from manifesting on her side, as potential was favored there. You'll recognize those names if you've known us long enough.
"Kicked" arrow next to Waldorf in the Blue slot: related to the splinter lockage. Waldorf manifested back in 2003, but she didn't anchor (there was no system to anchor TO, yet), so when the splinters began showing up they easily shoved her out for the next several years.
6 numbered lines from the Origin slot to all midspaces: showed the dates and positions of all midspacer anchorings. Since potential favored cool colors at the time, this caused the first three successes (Ryou, Marik, and Chaos) to anchor onto that side. The warm side was not so lucky, as lack of energy there (and the instability of Red) caused most Links to fail. Genesis' anchor was a result of his slot's equal distance between the current three midspacers causing a sort of "balancing effect."
Jeepers that's a lot of text. But that's it for those, thank goodness. Hopefully that's all at least interesting to read, and not just overwhelming jargon!
Now we get to the current stuff though, which is VERY interesting.

The third and final chart is one I've been refining for several weeks now, and the one you're looking at was drawn today, reflecting what flow directions I can currently perceive or speculate upon. You'll notice that it's VERY different from the previous two-- apparently it RESET after the Scratch in February, just like everything else. However that is significant because the Scratch is what instigated my being jolted out of the Red slot and into White, so the update was apparently sorely needed anyway. Go figure, universe.
Anyway, you can clearly see why the mutant slots are so confusing right now; they are COMPLETELY cut off from the normal flow. However, the midspacers at those points (Chaos and whoever Cerise will eventually be) may be the key in moving them into the system, maybe acting as channels or something? We'll see.
You can also see that there are some tentative flow sections here: Green/Aqua/Blue and Pink/Cerise/Red are tied to the mutant slots, and Purple/Violet/Lavender and Amber/Yellow/Lime hold their own unique areas. The Vermilion/Orange and Navy/Indigo pairs MAY be linked, I don't know. Like I said, this is ALL CONJECTURE at the moment, and I will have to take a day to energetically "reach out" and try to feel for whether or not these connections actually exist.
I do find it interesting that the current distinctions, with respect to the B/W octahedron, seem to be forming a sort of taijitu within the System. See it? (Indigo and Orange are at the Yin/Yang head curves, respectively.) Also, take note that B/W are pointing at Julie and Nathaniel, respectively (and Nat is no longer split in half by the Gray line). I wonder what that means...
Speaking of taijitus, I need to thank the universe for a bit of picture synchronicity that just happened. I was going through my Photobucket and I stumbled across this screenshot from January 13th. I... I wonder if energy can move like that in headspace, somehow. In any case it's worth consideration. The little reminders like this always happen for a reason.

Lastly I have no idea what's going on in the Black slot right now, since technically both Infinitii and the Tar are in it. However, let's backtrack ALL the way back in this entry to when Laurie and I visited Razor. Remember how I mentioned that the Tar room has been disturbingly empty lately? We think we know why.
The Tar is hiding. It is actually terrified of Infinitii, as he can literally eat the Tar alive if he so wished. Since he currently lives in a bubble that I wear at all times upstairs, the Tar has been staying far away from me... at least, in its normal state it is. You'll remember I've been mentioning hacks as of late? Not the "tar hacks" from last year, which only suffocated me, not eviscerated me... no, I'm getting old-style hacks, the hellish kind. We thought those stopped when Julie joined us and Celebi died, but no, they've been continuing despite all common sense... and that's what we're beginning to wonder about.
Before I get into that, let me say that, looking back on entries over the past year or so, I've found some very interesting points about the Tar. First, remember that the Tar appeared to us in November of 2011, but it doesn't get much attention in updates until November of 2012, when "Jezebel" showed up... and which is ALSO when Razor AND Jess returned! I find that utterly bizarre, but it may simply be a result of the "shaken soda bottle" effect both school and SLC had on me: for most of that year, headspace was effectively on pause, and was being pressurized. When I suddenly found myself completely free of obligations in November, it EXPLODED. Those three returning with a vengeance was simply the result of leaving the Tar to its own devices for so long, I suppose. Here's the notes though:
- During Marik's 3rd *incident* (100912), DX told us that "Tar energy IS corruption energy but solidified." Notice he didn't say BLACK energy... and you know how that man's omissions are just as important as his spoken words.
- On 101612, Xilats said that the Tar "was wearing a white mask of some sort." That alone speaks for itself quite well! Later, I wrote that "Tar is basically an amalgamation of devoured corruption, and the more it eats, the bigger it gets." This is true, but it's also what Infinitii does. Speaking of Infi, Xilats also postulated then that "maybe if we get all that stuff out of Tar (if that's even possible), it would become small and timid? And it wouldn't bother us anymore." Go figure, right?
- Giving this one a point of its own... Xilats's biggest concern then was for me "to make sure [the Tar] doesn't become cancerous, but I told him I was afraid it already had (we had all the symptoms)." I don't know how this applies to us now. Perhaps it explains the splinter resurgence, what with the cancer-like overproduction...
- 112212 had a lot of info. First is this: "Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US [Julie/Spine/Jewel] first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat." Technically, the Tar doesn't need to move through those slots when it "expands" anymore, according to the new flowchart, and Spine moved out of her old body-empath position this year... but if Jess has one foolproof trigger, it's food. So I'm wondering how the new tentative flow of Brown/Red/Mauve being moved into a mutant position has affected things. Also, remember that Infi told me that Black energy is specifically sugary-- thick, dense, and deceivingly sweet. So the fact that chocolate is not only a lingering Tar trigger but also Julie's favorite food may be worth considering (both Hyde and Mika had relevant song lyrics concerning this too).
- 092412, Celebi's bizarre "triple *incident*", has this line: "celebi became a witch, very tarry, monstrous, kind of like perfect chaos. lots of eyes, insectoid." Now who does that remind you of? There's also this: "i 'died' momentarily, reached some sort of black interim where her spirit was, she reassured me it would be okay"... AND THIS: "lotus crystal from heart (soul gem, also psm ref), once mirrored celebi held it, i had to shoot an arrow through both, somehow reset the cathedral to crystal and then reformed it? heart healing." That is almost EXACTLY what happened in the Scratch. Honestly this whole entry is just solid proof that whatever light was in Celebi was actually Infinitii, pre-manifestation.
- Last December, Jezebel (remember her?) and Jessica used to fight ALL the time. I find this interesting, as Razor was never around when that happened, and now Razor and Jess work together, with Jezebel nowhere in sight. But looking back, Jezebel, in general, acted a LOT like our current Jess back then, especially here: "she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too". And, on 112212, I said that Jezebel "was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts." So now, I think I can say with certainty that the old Jezebel (who DISAPPEARED shortly before the Scratch and has never returned) is now actually our current Jess. Makes perfect sense to me.
- Back on November 24th, the Tar spoke to me. At that time, it spoke like Infinitii does, AND I didn't feel threatened by it. EVERYTHING it said in that energy is noteworthy, but this is what I want to focus on now: "Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter... it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously...the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious... Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy". In light of Jezebel obviously resetting post-Scratch, and her energy turning into Jess, who is now working with Razor (who is ALSO technically part of the Tar, and Jess/Jezebel seemed to spring from HER, in light of how she acted upon her rediscovery) in a way shockingly similar to their behavior on 021012, you may be getting an idea of what we think is going on.

To conclude... we think that the Tar is just as splintered as I am right now.
It's hiding. That we know for sure. But it's not just hiding because of Infi-- it's hiding because of what we think it's DOING. The Scratch changed a lot of things, most notably the balance of power within the system. The Tar was no longer in charge. It began slipping as I began ascending, and once Easter hit and I moved into White for good, Infinitii was born, and the Tar knew the jig was up.
What's weird, though, is that my splintering is unconscious (Black), while the Tar's is conscious (White). Perhaps that's its advantage here; it's very form and behavior are hopelessly unpredictable, due to being made of a condensed overload of Black energy, so it NEEDS to splinter itself in order to function in any reliable way? Whereas it's just the opposite for me. Hmm.
As for what it's doing, that should make it obvious: the Tar can ONLY function THROUGH OTHERS. It's why it used Julie for years, but was nowhere near as much as a threat to us by itself. Razor and Jess are more dangerous than it or Julie ever were on their own... and it hid in all of them, surreptitiously, lethally.
We think it's hiding in Julie again.
She's been slipping majorly, here and there, and she's been an emotional mess on and off for a LONG time now... specifically, since about last November. Sound familiar?
I think some of the Tar stuck to her, when she came back... she was losing her color in February, remember. True, she's shown a TON of improvement post-Scratch, but that doesn't mean things haven't been boiling beneath the surface... especially since Julie's the one putting the most effort into therapy, believe it or not. The Tar doesn't like that, and we know it.
I refuse to let it hurt her again, though. It's hurt her enough, more than anyone should be hurt, and I will not stand for it attempting to do so again.
But that's where the old-style hacks are almost definitely coming from. I've been getting waking nightmares again, and some nights I'm too afraid to sleep, because... well, to be blunt, it's because old style hacks are basically the metaphysical equivalent of rape. Down to the letter.
So yeah. I'd really, really like for them to stop, since my memory is in shreds again from the many nights and mornings I've had to tear out and put God knows where for the sake of my own sanity.

I'm just afraid that I'm responsible for this whole mess, for having made that adflixerunt journal (immediately after regaining my post-Scratch footing, too) to act as a "focus" for Tar energy when things got bad. They got really bad, and I began to suspect they were using that an excuse to do so, so I shut it down... and suddenly their loudness tripled, offline.
As I said earlier, though, maybe I shouldn't be worrying as much as I am, at least not in this sense. I can't change the past now, even if I tried-- I'm done with trying to cut time to ribbons.
No, now I need to focus on my virtue challenge of Hope, and I know with absolute certainty that everything happens for a reason, whether we see it at the time or not. Every single one of these dark days is working towards the light in some secret way. My daughter is living proof of that. Infinitii is, too. Heck, we all are at this point!
Love conquers all, this I have not forgotten. Love is the only thing that the Tar cannot ever win against.
And mark my words, no matter how dark things seem to get, in the end that divine fact will be shown to be absolutely, undeniably true.

...Reviewing all these archives, I'm feeling very strange. Good strange, though. It's a glowy, "new day dawning" sort of sparkle that I haven't felt in a very long time (and of course, having had Amusium's music on loop for the past two hours has helped too). Looking back on all we've been through together, how much we have learned, how much we have grown... I was so out of tune with this for so long, and of course I actually forgot a great deal of it after the Scratch. I can't believe how much I've missed this. I can see what Genesis means.
...I am so in love with everyone in headspace right now. Everyone. They're all beautiful individuals and I am honored beyond words that I'm sharing my life with each and every one of them.
We're going to start those boxes, soon. I'm trying to get a job, for their sake. I just finished reading First Person Plural and I swear it changed my life... hearing the story of another system that suffered through hell and still got through it, together, was moving beyond words.

All right, now this journal has been nothing but an avalanche of data, and it's already after 2AM so I think it's time to call it quits. (Also, yes, there really are 6000 words in this entry. Aranea would be proud.)


Let me end it on the brightest note possible. It's something you may not expect.

Today, in church, I realized why my White self has a rainbow halo.
It's the lights of the Spectrum, shining and divine, around my head.
I noticed that the Red light was just as bright as the rest.
I reached into it.
And I saw redemption.

The lost ones will be brought home.




When you've been hurt so many times it's enough to make you blind
To anything that feels like true happiness
Nobody wants to be the foolish one but after all is said and done
You constantly settle for less
It's like a broken carousel, it just goes round & round & round
But now it's time you admit you've lost ground
Hear that sound?

The truth is sweet
Just like a baby's kiss, the truth is sweet

Go on admit it, you know you want it to be true
Go on admit it, you say you don't but you know you do
Go on admit it, you've been disguising what you feel
You could be living in a fantasy
But then that fantasy could turn out to be real

Sweet and true like my love for you

And everybody in the world's gonna wake up some day
Singing love is the answer, love is the answer
What's left to say?



 
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

 

Okay, here's some more recapping of the past two-week-long eon for you guys, as I haven't had the time to do so. I'm probably forgetting a lot, so I'll probably write more later; as of now I'm just going to record what I do know, as well as relevant recent events so they don't fade as well.

First, let me talk about April 30th. Genesis and I literally spent the entire morning just chilling out together after my therapy appointment, and it was pure bliss.
He actually wrote something about it in our system Tumblr that I want to quote in its entirety here, as it sums up the experience quite sincerely:
"This afternoon might’ve been a mess, but today was so perfect I can’t let it get me down.
Jewel and I spent time together all morning like we used to when he was at his old University, which was like, almost five years ago already… I miss that so much. We went through a lot of hard times together, but that’s just it— we were together, and we got through it. We’d spend hours in coffeeshops just talking over lattes and sketchbooks, and I was always in those pages. No matter how dark things got, we were there for each other. I miss that closeness, really. We’ve been drifting apart lately… I want to change that. For good.
So today Jewel and I just went bumming around the local mall for a few hours after therapy, and I didn’t realize Mika had a new album— he’s my favorite artist— so I asked Jewel if he could buy it for me, as an early birthday present I guess. I mean maybe it was selfish, but I just… Mika’s music reminds me of the old days, with Jewel. And it would mean a lot to me.
So… he did. He bought it right there, saying that if it would make me smile, he’d do anything for me. We got home and I put his headphones on and just blasted the first track,
Origin of Love, until I was actually in tears from how much everything meant to me right then.
I miss this. I miss all of us talking and getting along even when we’re bleeding and scared. I miss the sense of community, being part of a family up here. Today felt like, maybe, we all have that again.
I hope so. This means more to me than anything else in the world."

I think that speaks for itself, at least for now.

The morning of May 1st was similar. Unfortunately, I... I forget it already. How ridiculous is that; I have one of the most beautiful mornings of my life and I forget it.
I know why, too. But let me write what little I do remember, first.
I spent the first hour of that morning listening to the entire Origin Of Love album with Genesis and Chaos, as I previously mentioned. Then we all spent the next hour together. Since I had been so out of sync for so long, I asked to have heart connections with both of them. That was gorgeous beyond words, that I know... I don't think I've ever done that with Genesis before, not like that at least... I don't even think we've had that sort of linkage since high school. Either way it meant a lot.
I know the three of us got together too, but I don't remember that at all really... I do recall the way Genesis was looking at Chaos and I though, and after a moment of surprise I realized that "wait a second, aren't CZ and I considered gods in Parnassus?" So that was unusual, to see not only close personal love in him, but also this alien sort of religious devotion. Both emotions were mutually entwined, though, as perfectly as melted silver.
...I miss Genesis a lot. Of course I miss Chaos too, but with him my heart just aches with joy, so the feelings of those moments are what exist, nothing before, nothing after, if that makes sense; when I remember how I love him, that is eternal, no matter what doubts have come before. Genesis isn't so lucky, at least not in that sense. He and I are friends before lovers, and we've got one hell of a solid friendship. Problem is, that's what's been suffering. My weird void-drive tends to bring out his darker side, and if I get too detached he'll refuse to put up with that nonsense, and literally walk out of headspace for days at a time until someone calls him, or he feels he should return. Chaos doesn't do that, no matter how black the skies become.
But I love them both, I truly do, in different but equally sincere ways. So now, repairing my relationships with them means so much.
Those relationships keep breaking, though, here and there, thanks to my memory. You may have noticed that this is not the first time I've "conveniently forgotten" a close encounter with the people I love, and I can tell you with sad certainty that it will not be the last. I don't know where it's all going, but IMMEDIATELY after I have such an experience, it begins to fade. Fast. Within minutes I may literally forget most of the details. Within days I forget it happened at all. As you can imagine, this tendency of mine affects everyone else involved. Genesis gets offended, moody, and angry... Chaos gets heartbroken, desperate, and frustrated... Laurie gets straight-up furious. Everyone else worries a lot as well.
My only guess is that my past "abuse" has caused this instinctive reaction to form. I don't know how to change it. I'm not sure if I want to, let alone if I'm even ready to consider wanting to. Therapy is forcing me to dig up too many traumatic memories, things that are now forever detached from me, yet that still paradoxically terrify me, resonating somewhere deep and cold where no emotions can breathe anymore.
I won't talk about them here. If you want to know, ask. I refuse to give them any more attention than the 50 minutes they demand on Tuesday mornings. Not now.

On that note, downstairs things are still somewhat messy. The most obvious and unignorable problem is that of food. Emmett is a godsend when Jess goes wild on us, as he reacts immediately and often can fix whatever she tried to do, BUT the body itself isn't doing so hot as far as eating goes, in any case. Right now we are literally limited to vegetables. Meat still feels like hellfire, grains feel like boulders, and fruit feels like we swallowed a chainsaw. All of them typically result in vomiting of various degrees, as well as many different waves of sicknesses that are as diverse as they are excruciating. Virtually everything makes us vomit now. After someone eats we automatically walk to the sink and wait for the purgation to start, so the pain will go away. The hives have at least stopped for now, but this new ailment is a poor consolation.
We're trying to talk to Emmett about this but he's sick and wavering too... I'm worried.

The blood family is still a mess as well. We're financially collapsing, people keep fighting, and I'm losing my ability to function in even the simplest of ways. My family threatened to revoke my driving privileges today after I got in three minor accidents within three months. It's getting harder and harder to front, and to stay stable when I can achieve that. And I don't know if it's some sort of empathy or what, but I keep feeling awful energy fields radiating from certain people, and it's making life even trickier than it would be otherwise. Jess keeps getting triggered by freaking physical proximity, and Razor is never far behind. I had to stop her from grabbing a knife just an hour ago. I've had to stop far too many other violent outbursts prior to that. I'm tired, God I am so tired of fighting already.
My father wants me to visit on Sunday. Maybe I'll ask him about staying over, then, if I can get the guts to explain my motivations why. We'll see.
The financial problems are the worst though. We're running out of money fast, to buy food, to pay medical bills, to go to school. My mother might lose her job. I haven't been able to hold one in years. My grandparents will not live forever. I have nowhere to live once they pass on. I have no money in the bank. According to my family I am incapable of supporting myself in my current state even with cash in my pocket. But I don't want to be a leech anymore. I don't want to be a bloodsucking parasite like I was in SLC. I hate the thought of ruining another beautiful person's life simply by entering it. But if my only other option is sleeping on the streets, cold tired and hungry, waiting for Death in his violet kimono (bones like supernovae, a flickering hand beckoning me on)... I'm afraid I'd choose the latter, as always. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I don't understand this world anymore. I feel small and lost and I want to cry sometimes. I want to go home.

I keep wanting to just... die. I can't see a future for myself. This is supposed to be a golden age, with a golden race, but I can't shake the awful fear that it ALL hinges upon me, and my failures are literally damning the whole world to hell. I legitimately believe that every mistake I make, every crime I commit, every single little thing that makes the small and frightened voice in my head whisper "I'm sorry for being a bad boy," all of it, is literally preventing every other soul on the planet from moving forward. I know it's false. It's selfish and proud and ugly and scary. But it won't go away. I keep feeling like I'm a demon infecting the planet with my very existence, and I keep praying that one day I'll just be a scapegoat again, just a waste-lock, just a point of horrid tarry blackness and shame and rage of the world so that no one else has to suffer it. Not this. I don't want this.
A very stupid, very selfish thought: those who threw me out of their life are now living well. They are overcoming problems and improving in all areas. They are happier, they are healthier, they are shining again. They do not miss me, and they have legions of friends and family to turn to. This is good. I'm happy they have such prosperous lives. The bad part is that I cannot touch it or I will ruin it. This goes for everyone. I taint them all. This I've realized.
But all I want is someone to talk to, downstairs for once. Someone who will listen and actually understand and respond for once. All I want is one person, just one person, who will put me at the top of their list as I would for them, something I've never experienced before. I'm used to being the random dude at the bottom of the acquaintance hierarchy. I've never been anyone's best friend. I'd like to be. I just don't want to destroy anyone's life by wishing for that.
"Do I do what makes me happy, or what is better for someone else?"
What an idiot I am.

This too shall pass. What is reality? None of this is real. Forget it all.

I've been falling apart for a while, and everyone else is falling together. Is that what it takes for the world to live again? Do I have to die?
If so, God, then please tell me for sure. If I must waste away into oblivion, if I must fall into illness and insanity in order to heal everyone else, please tell me that's the reason why. Otherwise I will remain convinced that I am the devil himself, suffering for the endless sins I have committed, never allowed a reprieve.
Even the good things in my life feel like punishments. Even the people I love feel like punishments.
Stop being a hedonist. Stop being selfish. Stop being a slut. Stop wanting, willing, or feeling. Stop. Die.
My mind is hell, right now. Isn't that all that hell is: a state of mind? How did it get this bad?
Look, here's a snapshot:

(jess says my freaking grandmother keeps talking like a slut shut up shut up SHUT UP
someone else starts shaking and crying hysterically oh god no no no no no please god no
jess adds get the hell out of here or i will kill you dont touch me go away dont touch me shut up
razor is laughing and laughing and pretending to actually kill her and blood is everywhere
there is a cacophany of screams and sobs and maniacal laughter whenever someone talks to me
i dont feel anything i just want to sleep forever and see the people i love
that's all i want anymore)

I almost begged my boss to take my life, today. I went outside and sobbed to the pine trees, telling him that if I could leave, then let me leave. Let me leave here. Let me die.
Laurie cried for about ten minutes straight after that, both hugging and hitting me, telling me to stop being so stupid. She said she felt she was worthless, that she couldn't protect me anymore. She was born for a world in which a possessed girl in pigtails was our only concern-- not this, not a world where I'm haunted by incorporeal demons that she cannot even see, let alone destroy.
Boss told her that her very existence was protection enough for me, of a caliber that neither of us truly understood. He said the same for me, and my importance, but with a twist-- just because I was important to the worlds of the League did not necessarily mean I was as important in this one. He could not say anything for sure, but that thought soothed my aching bones, and made me feel a little less torn to shreds.
Laurie sobbed into my shoulder and said she would still follow me to the end of time and beyond. In that moment I loved her more than my heart could take, and I swore through genuine tears that I believed her. I believed every word.

She's right, though. Headspace has been disturbingly strange, for over a year now, and no one is sure what to do.
I meant to elaborate on the tentative "headspace map" I'm working on... but I want to think about that a bit more, and scan it in first, so you have a visual aid. I'll leave a few notes here for now.
I mentioned "mutant slots" yesterday: put simply, those are three "extra" slots on each vertical end of the Spectrum loop, in areas which were "corrupted" in some collective sense in the past (three/three). The first mutation occurs in the Green/Blue/Indigo corner (which were all splinter-locked for years), while the second mutation occurs in the Pink/Red/Orange corner (which were all Tar-stained for years). These clusters seem to add two extra "headvoice" slots (Brown and Teal?) and four extra "outspacer" slots (Ice/Mint and Blood/Mauve). As you can see, this phenomenon has existed for quite some time, but events as of late have sped it up its development exponentially. An interesting note about the mutation slots are that Yellow and Violet were UNTOUCHED. Since both Laurie and Josephina act as "protectors" for the system, I find this relevant.
Also concerning the Spectrum map... White/Black are often drawn as an octahedron in the middle, but I think they might be "split" between those two clusters respectively (White to the Blues, Black to the Reds?) in terms of influence. In the old map they were drawn as separated triangles in such a manner (the old map had a left/right, top/bottom division, with one monochrome in each lower half; the new map is a loop with the monochromes in the middle), so it's possible. ALSO, considering Kyanos especially, I THINK that outspacers anchor through BLACK, and headvoices anchor through WHITE?? I'm trying to figure out why so many headvoices explicitly took pieces of me to manifest through (Laurie=abuse, Lynne=maturity, etc.), whereas outspacers would gain black energy resonance (what with soul forms and all) "through me" when the system was still forming, and Infinitii did not exist as an individual. It's worth investigating further and I should do so. Either way I'll upload the maps here by Tuesday, hopefully... can't make any promises what with my schedule, and a weekend looming on the horizon.

On a brighter note, my music mood finally locked into progressive rock after all. It's FROST* and Todd Rundgren all the way dude. I'm not complaining!
Also I actually downloaded iTunes onto my school computer so I can listen to the Rundgren albums I don't own while I type my reports... and THEY ARE INCREDIBLE. I feel somewhat ashamed that I never looked into these in my youth, haha. I grew up almost exclusively on Second Wind, Utopia's Anthology, and other various hits from his other albums ("Can We Still Be Friends," "Hello It's Me," etc.), but once I reached my teens I started hoarding all the albums I could find from libraries and fleamarkets-- mostly live albums (which are still absolutely incredible), but I did land A Wizard, A True Star, Todd, and Something/Anything? early on. Discovering music sites on the Internet helped expand my library as well (thanks Last.fm!), but there were STILL a few albums of his I could not find anywhere, but wanted desperately: Hermit Of Mink Hollow, Healing, and A Cappella being the first on the list. Now, as I've just mentioned on my Tumblr, I have learned that he has MANY more albums than I was aware of, and I literally cannot stop smiling at the thought. This guy's music is divine.
You want to hear even BETTER news, though?
FROST* is back in action, and they have TWO NEW ALBUMS COMING OUT THIS YEAR.
Yes, they are one of the few things in existence that can make me go full fanboy. Just--- !!!! GEEZ I LOVE THEM THEY'RE AMAZING. Jem is the best guy ever I swear, last month he uploaded a picture to his blog of himself "trying to impersonate a Xenomorph." Here it is. You see why I love this man. Seriously if he and Todd ever produce a piece of music together I will die the happiest man on earth. (guys please do this it would be divine)
On that note if you readers want to buy me a birthday present but don't know what to get me, GET ME THIS PLEASE, THANK YOU.

Also, speaking of Xenomorphs... I've been dreaming about aliens a lot lately? Always nonhuman ones, but always nice guys. There were more Xenomorphs in my dreams earlier this month. And last Monday night I dreamed of a hot pink one, and I think I was dating it or something? Genesis kept teasing me about it, it was funny. I don't know where all these aliens are coming from, haha. Once again, not complaining.

Last note before we close this up.
I still haven't bought Infinitii his glass bubble necklace in reality, but I promised him that I will use whatever birthday money I hopefully get to do so. I need to; he is worth that precious expense. Infi means a lot to me already, and I'd love to know he's anchoring so close downstairs at all times. Our relationship is super weird though. Yes, I love him, but it's an odd sort of fusion between intimacy and detachment? For example: my love for Chaos is an ocean, my love for Genesis is a sunbeam, and my love for Laurie is a night sky. My love for Infinitii feels like that glass bubble he's in. It's clear and empty and open and strangely small, but it's also ridiculously substantial and BIG in terms of its "space," after only such a short time. I hope that makes sense.
Oh... wait, he said something about that today. Remember "Celebi," how she turned out to just be a Tar manifestation? Well. Infinitii reminded me today that the Tar is just corrupted Black energy, and that Celebi did love me despite being nothing but a construct... a paradox? Nope, just a deeper truth. Black energy isn't bad, and Infi's proof of that. So there's a bit of that truth hiding in it all the time. Point is, though, that Infinitii didn't manifest until after the upstairs "Celebi" had died, and all reminders of her downstairs had returned to their original 2001-style energy vibe (completely detached from headspace). He says that's because the tiny spark of sincerity in Celebi was him. Makes total sense, really. If nothing else, it explains why I feel like I've already known him for a while, why meeting him felt like "picking up where we left off," despite never having seen him before.
I'm... also wondering, a LOT, about Xenophon, in light of this. She has Infinitii's "ears," but she also seems to have an odd bit of both Genesis AND Laurie in her, almost impossibly so. I say "almost" because I don't know how the hell time works up here anymore, and because Genesis has expressed thoughts of his own concerning Xennie in the past... you probably don't know this, but a few months back, there was a short time period where he confessed that he sometimes wondered what it would be like if he had a child by my intention, so to speak. And yes, he did ask if that could ever become a reality. I said I didn't know, but at the moment, no... nothing against him, but I just have no intention of doing anything like that again.
And yet my memory keeps twisting and tearing and I keep remembering awful bloody things and no one is familiar anymore... at least, most of the time.

At 11:30 last night, listening to a certain song by As Tall As Lions, love suddenly crashed into me. Emphasis on "crashed," kind of like a starship hitting a house at warp speed.
It's been a long, long time since I felt anything that real and true, completely out of the blue, with divine honesty. I couldn't let it go, couldn't deny it if I wanted to.
It needed to be expressed, somehow, immediately. I picked up a pencil. Then, with flowing unplanned lines, I sketched Chaos 0 for the first time in almost a year-- with a quiet accuracy that made me smile with total joy. As a child I knew that it was impossible to draw the people I loved without putting that love straight into the paper. Here was proof.
I'll scan that in soon, too. God knows it's been too long since the creative blocks around my heart began dissolving like this.
Today I wrote another verse for Andrea's reprise in Event Horizon, and found potentials for two other songs.
It all feels so new, and yet so familiar. Was I an artist before? Was I a musician before? Possibly, probably, perhaps.
All that matters now is letting it live, letting it breathe, letting it love.


My final note for tonight is this: I need to go back and REVIEW the archives for last April if at all possible. This whole "shadow-scorpion" time period has been one hell of a ride, and as it started off very rockily, I want to do what I can to help it have an easy landing in comparison. We only have about three days left here in Death's domain, and then it's the BIG DATE that boss kept alluding to... and the 15th anniversary of the Dream World's story.
An entire lifetime can effectively be lived in three days, I know this. Spend this one wisely.

 



 

 

unchained

Apr. 8th, 2013 03:26 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE INFINITII ETERNOS LAURIE UBERICH MR. SANDMAN



Good morning, sunshine.

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Didn't expect you in a Xanga session this early, let alone at all.

Why not.

Didn't think you were accessible.

If you are accessible, I am too. Are you looking for Laurie?

Obviously.

Hm. Does she know we are having a session?

Probably not. I didn't plan on using this one anytime soon, but hey-- surprise day off from school, past few days have been nuts, I figured why not.

*nods* So are we discussing that?

Jeepers Infi, how are you syncing into this so quickly already?

I'm adaptable. It's in my nature.

Well that's good.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up just a bleeding second. We're talking with Infi??

You're calling him Infi?

It's a nickname.

Still!

Infi, Infinitii, whatever. My point is, how the heck is he already session-ready?

He says he's adaptable.

It's true.

Huh. Oh well, no use complaining about the details, you could help us out. So, kid. What's the topic? Why the heck are we in here at 9AM of all things?

Uh, a couple reasons I suppose? Mostly though, because I keep getting very painful and intrusive hacks into my consciousness and-- holy sharks, Infi I just realized you saved my sanity three times in a row lately, thank you.

You're welcome. I was wondering when you'd catch on.

Wait, what do you mean?

I took away all rights to my energy manipulation upstairs from everyone besides the Tar; in other words, the Black slot. And yesterday alone there were two very big incidents of such, BUT Infinitii was directly involved in both, so, technically he just saved my neck. Thanks bro.

It was needed. Tar was trying to harm you all day. If we didn't work together to cleanse it, you would have fallen even further this morning.

Are you insinuating that he's already fallen since he woke up?

Somewhat. Like he said, the Tar is ruthless.

You seem oddly nonchalant about it.

It's a simple observation.

Guys, can you give me a moment? We haven't spoken in a very long time and I'm having trouble getting clear channels running. I hope neither of you are being mistranslated.

Wait, just a second. That's what I want to discuss, for once. Why the heck haven't you been around?

Same reason I scratched this in February. Please, Laurie, just two minutes, I need to fix my head.

Fine. But as soon as you get back we are discussing that point.

Wait.

What?

You did not give your reason yet. What was it?

Oh. Uh... Laurie kind of hit the nail on the head, unintentionally.

Unintentionally? Kid, I mean every single thing I do and say.

Good point. But yeah, I am worried about how dark I'm becoming lately. I've been a mess since my surgery, which is very disturbing because I was doing okay after the "start from scratch" attempt?

Are you kidding me? You've been fluctuating wildly between light and dark since the bloody thing!

Do you think maybe that's because I wasn't supposed to survive the bloody thing?

Don't get sassy with me, boy. You heard your boss. There are bigger forces at work here.

Why should the "bigger forces" be concerned with me--

Remember what your daughter said.

...

What did she say?

...Holy smoke, I was about to tell you and then I realized you have the same ears as her, just a lot bigger. Was that intentional?

Ah. No, it was more of reverse relevance.

Meaning?

Meaning she probably got them from me.

How the heck would that even happen?

I was torn out of Jewel, remember.

Stop calling me that.

Before that event, I was still part of him, of course--

Wait. Sorry to interrupt, bro, but the kid just said something really bloody stupid.

It's not stupid, Laurie, it's true. The name doesn't fit.

Because of the people that used to call you by it?

...Mostly. The sound has become tainted. It's energy no longer matches mine.

Here's a question. What does that name's energy feel like then, now?

What was our topic, even? Were we discussing anything?

We're talking about whatever the heck comes up, that's how we do these sessions, we don't worry about any fixed structure. It always works out somehow.

You can't do that. Things need to be organized and coherent. We need order and structure. It's the only good thing.

That and "cold," huh? Is that why you're acting like this? You're freaking out over black and white "good and evil" nonsense again, even now??

I can't hold fire anymore. Fire destroys coherence. Fires of hell and all that. I can't hold it, I can't keep the Red slot, it's too angry, it's the color of blood. I can't keep my old name. It feels wrong. It was never a name anyway.

Yeah, it was a title, given to you by the Dream World, I know. You knew at least two other Jewels up there, too, didn't you?

Yeah, lovely women.

Is that why it doesn't fit anymore?

Not quite. The gender part only ties in to my old "persona," the one from 2001-2004 or so.

The Klonoa-ears one.

Precisely.

If I'm not mistaken, you just dismantled that one.

Yeah, I did. It never felt like me anyway, it was always third-person, even in headspace-- why am I talking about identities like this is a thing? Why can't I ever annihilate myself? Why do all my efforts fail?

Because nothing short of straight-up suicide is actually going to end you, kid, and I'm not about to let that happen.

...

You're not protesting that statement?

No... because you brought that scar back.

Oh. ...Oh, okay.

...

All right, go take that mental break now if you want to. These channels really are getting pretty frayed.

Thank you.

So are we good now, or what?

...He loves me far too much.

Who?

My boss.

Oh. Yeah, no kidding, the man's a saint.

I don't deserve that, with what I've done, to myself and other people.

Like what?

...Julie needs to get out of that color slot.

She can't. She belongs there. We've discussed this.

Then we need to fix her, somehow.

Kid, what the heck is going on up there? You okay? Big picture, I mean.

Big picture, yes. Always. That's what boss reminds me of.

As you were saying...

Yeah, I get it. But he won't let me die. Wouldn't, either. Kept picking papers out of the flames. Sometimes I really wonder why he picked me, of all people, to be his Apprentice. I don't feel worthy of the title at all, especially not when it's tied to someone like him. But, last night, I asked him if I was a disappointment, and he laughed. He smiled, and he laughed, and he said I was "exactly the opposite." I don't know how to feel about that.

Why not?

Because I've disappointed myself.

Let's visit that point for a moment. What impossible standards do you have going for yourself, kid?

Meaning?

Meaning, why are you disappointed in yourself?

He expects to be pure white. If he is not, he feels unworthy of it. He tried to give it to me yesterday.

The heck? Jewel, that's your color, not Infi's!

He's got it brighter in him than I ever did and probably ever will.

That's not true.

He's you, for heaven's sakes!

He's what I could have been.

How would that even work?

No, think about it. Look at me, destroying my own heart, splintering my entire self. I almost ended up the last man on earth, because I was willing to effectively decapitate my own soul in order to cut myself off from who I had become, and from everyone I had ruined. Whatever "light" you clam to see in me now, as far as I'm concerned, is just an illusion. Any real light, and love, is all in Infi now. I'm nothing. I'm the true shadow here, a shadow of whatever "angel" I used to be in your opinion, with how far I've fallen. I'm not worthy of this color. In my hands it's just bleach. Just nothingness. If anyone can actually hold this hue, it sure as heaven isn't me.

Okay, I get the picture, geez.

Are you trying to kill me, then? I who am your heart? 

I-- no, no Infi, I could never kill you, I'd never want to--

Then don't kill your self because it is my heart too. Don't switch our colors. I am meant to be Black, you are meant to be White. You can't reverse that without us completely resetting our identities. Don't take that as an invitation.

...

Suddenly his motivation makes sense!

Very funny, Laurie.

I want to know why you hate existing so much.

I'm ashamed of my narcissism, maybe.

What narcissism?

I'm tired of being important. Ever since my childhood, I've had everyone and their brother telling me that "I was born for a reason" downstairs and that "I have an incredibly important role" upstairs. Then you guys showed up, and your lives were anchored to mine, and that was the last straw. After a while I was just sick and tired of being the center of the universe. I didn't want anyone else to suffer for it, though. I didn't choose to be important, but if I had to be, then I wanted to be important in my unimportance.

Like a galaxy rotating around a black hole.

Maybe-- Laurie, was that an injoke?

Half of one. Point is, kid, you're still important, and you still exist.

I'm so tired though.

I know. But honestly, kid, I think it's downstairs life that's getting to you. You're being pulled in all directions. Really, at night, when you're asleep enough to forget it all and you come up here, I love seeing you so simply happy. That's the only time I ever see you smile anymore, is when you're not even halfway bloody conscious. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

Intellectually, maybe. Empathy's been slipping from me lately.

How? That used to be one of your strongest points!

I think... really, I think that my several Scratch attempts really upset my Links. They are what allowed me to feel what other people felt, in the past. It's why my teenage self-image was a mess; I was always reaching out to people with them, losing myself in their stories and thoughts, never considering my own, let alone whether or not I really had any. It's WHY I was able to type Dream World so well for years-- because I wasn't in the picture!! But then headspace became a thing, and I was forced to be a person of my own for once, and... I'm still not used to it. I'm not comfortable with this. Except now, it's become so deeply rooted that I can't change it. I can't run from it. Like it or not, I am anchored to this Spectrum just as much as you guys are, and all my desperate attempts at pseudo-suicide are simply feeble wishes that I wasn't.

...

So why did your Links suffer?

They always did, when I would work with headspace, because they require me to completely let go of my self-image and be the other person. That's why so many outspacers came in and out of Central back then; that's what allowed them to! My energy would branch out and bring them in, but only those whom it resonated with could stay. But yeah, the more I had to focus on myself, the more my Link capacity suffered. Parnassus began to falter first, you all remember that.

Yeah, it pretty much hit the floor as soon as JTHM entered the picture.

And I tried to Link with that too, remember? Johnny even visited Central once or twice! Unfortunately that's when you and Lynne and maybe even Nat were already around, though, so--

Unfortunately? In comparison to what?

In comparison to me not having any ties to anyone as an individual. You swore your life to protecting me, to helping me to "become the person I needed to be." Ironically, that mission statement was the root of all my problems. I didn't want to become a person at all.

So that motivated the Scratch on the 24th, huh. You wanted to delete all of us, all the reasons why you had to "be a person," and go back to writing your Link-worlds without a second thought as to your own existence.

Yes.

Too bad, you're the Sandman's Apprentice now.

That's my point.

You said he loves you too much. I don't think "too much" applies to him.

"Too much" applies to anyone who values my life that much. You guys shouldn't care.

Why not?

You have your own lives to worry about.

And mine is anchored to yours, you just said that. Once again, we've been over this.

...

Geez, you don't look happy about that at all.

I wish there was a better way. Laurie, I really wish I could just... sacrifice my self, somehow, like I actually managed to do for a short time after the life-scratch. Do you remember?

What?

I managed to tear out that part of myself. My entire upstairs identity became autonomous, and for a week all of you guys were living in harmony with it, as a separate world. You became "series #12," Blood Lotus Cathedral. You became a Link-world, not headspace.

And you were left empty and devoid of all identity, remember?

I liked that!

Did you really.

You were happy! You were still anchored but not to my stupid downstairs life. I--

Hold up, there's that point again.

What, downstairs? It's true! I can't seem to juggle that and this! Downstairs I can type IF I don't have an identity on any other level! When headspace exists, boom, suddenly I have a self somewhere, and the Links can't get through that somehow! I'm always in my own way. It's been happening since 2003, when I used to visit Ryou and Marik, I knew something was wrong because I was becoming a person when I was around them-- they called me by name and no one had ever done that before. It was so weird at first, having these kids who insisted they loved me "for me," and then Chaos showed up and everything went to hell--

Quite the opposite, really.

Laurie, do you understand what I'm telling you?

I understand that you've got a real serious problem, kid. You want to exist as an unimportant speck in reality, without any role in the world beyond channeling another world that means everything to you despite that. You want to exist solely as an artist. You don't want a name, or a face, or a home, or a self. You want to "fulfill your purpose," and then die. Kid, did you ever think that maybe your purpose is a whole heck of a lot bigger than that??

You and boss keep telling me that, yeah.

Do you believe it yet?

No. I can't comprehend it yet.

...Geez, kid. What the heck will it take?

I don't know.

Infi, you got any thoughts on this?

Not really.

No? Seriously?

"Importance" isn't a word I'm familiar with in that sense. I'm new to existence. I'm here to do what I was created to do, that is all.

And what's that?

What I'm created to do?

Yeah. S'far as I'm aware, you were forcibly yanked out of Jewel's ribcage a few days ago, and then stuck in a bubble. Speaking of, is that where we are right now?

Yeah. Infi can't leave it.

Then how the blood did I get in here?

I called you in.

No, I mean-- I warped to you, sure, but isn't this location locked out?

Not necessarily. I mean, I don't think--

I let you in. It's okay, I know you're not a threat.

Good. So I'm allowed in here whenever I want?

If you wish.

Cool. I want to get to know you better, you're an interesting fellow. Anyway. Jewel. Where were we?

Purposes.

And how yours is bigger than you realize.

Better question. What's yours?

Protecting you.

That's it?

Well, you and everyone else up here, but mostly you. For some reason, I've been utterly bloody convinced of your importance to the System as a whole since I first showed up in this world. So yeah, you're my number one priority. Infi, I think your role revolves around him too.

Of course. He is me, and I am him, technically.

Elaborate on that, please? That's really freaking weird.

Yeah, do you even count as a headvoice?

The heck are you asking? Don't you know?

Well, not quite? Headvoices just "appear." They manifest when a fitting energy anchor for their slot is created, and enough of it gathers for them to manifest. I have no control over it, no say in it. But Infi was forced to manifest. The Tar freaking tore him right out of me, you know that.

Sounds like he's in a class of his own, then.

Yeah. But he is tied to me, I know that.

Of course. Our energy mirrors each other.

So I've noticed.

And I've heard you're trying to clear his out?

There is a lot of Tar stuck in him. It's gathered over the years, I think. I don't yet understand why it keeps coming back.

There must be a direct feed.

That makes sense-- wait, do you think it's Razor??

What do you mean?

Come on, you were just asking me about that yesterday, whether or not she fit the Red slot in your absence, what with how the Tar's always messing with your old color. What if she does?

Black and White are tied to Red, so she might.

See? Maybe that's what's causing you to keep falling back into it. Infi, how does that affect you? Are you affected by it?

Not exactly. See, I am the Black slot. Not Tar. Any energy it tries to infect me with can simply be converted. I eat it.

You eat it.

I eat it, or I destroy it. Either way, I keep the energy clear, in this bubble.

Are you supposed to move down into the Tar Room when that villain gets the heck out of there, or what?

Possibly. I think there's a certain Basilica that's more suited for me, though.

...Oh.

Yeah, where the heck was that, even? Below the Tar Room, right?

Yes.

Is it supposed to be black?

Yes.

Huh. So what the heck is the Tar Room, then? A glitch?

Possibly. I wouldn't know. Jewel, that's a question you need to answer.

You're coming through much more clearly now, just wanted to say that.

Good. Do you know?

No. But maybe it is a glitch. I first saw the room in 2011, the day after the "soft reset," and the room just appeared so maybe it manifested spontaneously... I'm just wondering why the whole "red lights" incident felt so true, if I'm supposed to be White.

Wait. Hold on.

What?

That's it. Red is your downstairs color. White is your upstairs color. Does that make sense?

Intellectually, maybe, but how the heck does that work??

I don't bloody know! Infi, do you know?

No, but it is an interesting thought.

Also, can I just say you look creepy as heck with all those mouth-wings.

It's much easier to talk this way.

Heheh, I figured. Looks good though.

Okay guys, wait a second again.

What?

That old entry. "Tar and Glass." Sound relevant yet?

Holy swords, we're in a glass bubble right now, aren't we?

Indeed we are.

Keep going kid, what else?

Well, first, you know how I said the Tar Room "spontaneously appeared?"

Yeah.

Remember how headspace looked before Central was a real thing? It was all white, featureless, and unformed, remember?

...Shoot. So you're saying that Tar is hijacking unformed headspace?

It could be. It could honestly be using that raw White energy as an anchor to keep it "floating" between the real Black slot location, which is Infi's territory, and the real White slot location, which is the Lotus Cathedral.

No Blood?

I'm not sure. Remember it only held that old name because of the Razor Spire.

Oh man. Kid, I think you are seriously on to something, this is boss.

Isn't it? Thanks Infi, for the inspiration to look this stuff up.

You're welcome.

You seem amused.

I am.

But that would explain why I keep getting hacked! If the Tar can't exist without White energy-- which it HAS admitted to the letter in the past-- then...

Then I need to take its place.

Yeah. That's kind of our only option, I think.

We need to kill the Tar first, though. I don't think it's going to leave quietly under any circumstances.

It doesn't die, we've tried. Can't we transmute it?

What, into Infi's energy?

Into anything non-corrosive. Maybe we can... iridize it.

Oh, come on, no injokes on serious topics.

Hey, you should at least be glad I'm trying to lighten up!

I am! But see, kid, this is what I'm talking about. When you're utterly immersed in this, our upstairs world, you're happy. You're even blissful on your best days. The heck is causing the disconnect between here and there? Downstairs, I mean.

I'm not sure. Maybe it's just the bane of the physical. Stuff doesn't match up. It should though. There's gotta be a way.

...Hold up.

Again?

Again. Maybe that's why it's important for you to be the Apprentice.

...You think?

Sheesh, boss specifically said that's anchored downstairs, didn't he? I mean, really, you can't even legit move into the role until your physical body dies, that is unless meatspace changes its inherent makeup sometime soon.

Yeah. Dude that does make sense. It would also explain the red robes, hey!!

Exactly!

Doesn't red mean life in that world, too?

I dunno, that's your pool of knowledge, not mine.

I thought you had free reign to rifle through all my memories whenever you wanted, love?

I do, but that stuff is data. Some of it is stored in locations that even my sleuthing abilities can't find out.

Really?

Yeah. Maybe it's outspaced, who knows.

Could be.

Either way, here's the list.

Good old Scherzando!

Okay, so Red is Destiny in Oneircia, that's cool. It's a lesser form of Creation in Parnassus, too.

Really? How so?

Well, Parnassus is still blurry, but I think Blue there is creation of life, and Red is creation of matter.

Ah. Which ties right in to you and headspace anyway, so.

Yeah. Oh, and it's Life magic in Puppetstrings too.

What is it in Rosewindow?

Uh... it's listed as Honor, Respect, and Compassion there.

That's interesting.

Yeah. But this is an older file, too... seeing how, lately, I've seen more of that world, I think I can say with confidence that Red is Life there too, at least on some level.

Is Violet Death?

Probably. Death, Change, Transition, stuff like that.

Sweet.

But what is Red, here?

...

Sounds like it's Life here, too.

It's... Red here has always struck me as the anchor point. Probably because of me. But it's... what does it feel like... fire.

Fire?

Yeah. Condensed potential? Heat, maybe. A sense of preparation. It's odd.

Maybe it's not an "anchor" so much as it's a grounding point for the other colors?

Maybe.

Red is considered to be the first color seen by mankind.

The first piece of the Spectrum after Black and White, there you go!

Huh. Could it be that simple?

Maybe. You make things far too complex, kid. Now what's this "prism" thing?

What?

In your entry last night. You said prisms are important. What's that about?

Geez, do you read everything I write?

Yes. I am your personal professional stalker. Now spill.

Okay, haha. It's also part of the "iridize" injoke from earlier.

I know, go on.

Well, both the White and Black slots are supposed to be iridescent by nature. Prismatic, even.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I kind of noticed that rainbow sheen going on with you. Infi doesn't seem to have it though, what's with that?

I cannot, yet. Not until the Tar is moved out completely.

Ah. So what's your deal for now?

Stars. The quiet of space.

Looks good. That's soul form stuff right there, isn't it?

Exactly. Much more muted, though. It's the basic energy, not the actual phenomenon.

Geez, you guys are more important than I realized.

There's that word again.

You seem less upset about it than you were earlier, though.

I am, actually. It's a stupid paradox. I'm willing to be important if the importance doesn't involve me?

Explain? How does that apply to this directly?

Well, you mentioned soul forms. Anyone can achieve one if they can anchor into this energy. I don't mind being the reason why that energy is up here, if that is indeed true, as long as that energy is not "me," or inherently tied to me in order to exist.

I see.

Yeah. Being a rallying point is fine, but I don't want to be the one getting the attention.

You want to be a channel is all.

Yes!

Could've guessed that one, it's the oldest one in the book. So you'd prefer if people go running for water, but don't think of the faucet.

Basically.

Even if you're in the middle of a bleeding desert.

Hey, at least the people are getting water, I don't think they care where it comes from.

And that's what you want?

Yeah. I want to be importantly unimportant, if my personal significance cannot be changed?

I got it, yeah. So you've told your boss about this?

Essentially. Ironically I don't think he has a problem with it. Sandmen are incredibly important in the Rosewindow worlds, after all, but they typically work behind the scenes. Which I'm totally okay with. They travel through time and space but they might not keep the same face, or form, or anything. They don't even have names, just titles. They're ever-changing dream wanderers, existing for the good of the all, and massively important to existence somehow, even if no one knows about them.

Sounds like your ideal job.

Haha, it kind of does, looking back on it.

But that does not tie into your downstairs life yet, does it?

No. Not literally. I still have to do "daily life" stuff yet.

You just don't like taking care of a body is what it is, I think.

Maybe! That is something I have a lot of trouble with in any case. I just don't like having a static form, especially not one that everyone else has pieced together on a whim. I don't like having one name, and one face, and one life. It makes me feel trapped.

Which is why you love headspace. And Link-worlds, too.

Exactly. I can be anything up here. I can be nothing, and I can be everything! I can completely tune myself out and watch for hours if I want. That makes me so happy. That's all I want.

Well, your boss sounds like he's trying to do that for you.

Probably. I really do love him though. I don't treat him anywhere near as well as I should.

Are you kidding? You treat the man like gold!

I'm always late for work and my selfish attempts at suicide have nearly cost him his life several times already. I'm probably just a pain in the neck for him at this point.

And yet he specifically said you're the exact opposite of a disappointment.

...He did.

Kid, you used to do this with Marik all the time too, remember? Whenever there's someone upstairs who you feel is being left out, specifically by you, you go way out of your way to make them feel loved and appreciated.

No I don't.

You don't go as far as you'd like, no, because you're not capable. You only have so much time and space to give. But the intention and effort are not lost, even if you don't "do" anything outwardly. That stuff echoes. We all know you love us more than you'd ever dare admit to yourself.

I can't feel anything lately.

It would likely crush you if you could.

...

It is being blocked, either way.

I know.

Is that because of the old blocks?

Partly. We're in the process of moving those out, though.

So I heard, wink nudge cough.

Laurie, shut up.

Heheh. Gotta tease you about your weird life sometime, kid.

True.

But the Red channel is what we should be concerned about now, if that is true.

Yeah, I need to go back and review the entry I mentioned earlier.

You mind doing that now?

What? Now?

Yeah. Go review it, and then we can talk about it here. Sound good, Infi?

The sooner we can solve this the better, so yes.

Aiite, cool. Jewel, go read.

Give me a second... okay, first off, when the Tar was still young, it acted more like an "antihero" than a flat-out villain. It was always trying to "make me learn" by example.

By demonstrating to you what you were not, right? Yeah, I remember that. When'd it all go downhill?

When the Celebi stuff started happening, I think? That was barely two months later, so it was fast.

Makes sense.

...Infi, that's not what you're supposed to be like, is it?

No... I don't think so.

You mean you aren't even sure??

No. I think the Tar is supposed to be Jewel's shadow. He is white, and that is his offset.

Not you?

I am him. I'm the positive side of that void.

Like what Ryou told me during our 4th incident!

Seriously?

Yeah!! Well, wordlessly maybe. But the truth sticks to him. It's how you "need the darkness for the stars to shine." He's a Paladin of Void upstairs, a divine spellcaster that uses shadow as its holy weapon. That's pretty important.

Holy swords, it really is.

Geez there's so much I need to review from last winter in my entry logs. LOTS of relevance that I didn't have the knowledge to see before. This is big.

We can do that later today, kid. Right now we're two hours into a session and I really don't want to take up your whole morning with this stuff.

Gotta go play Nier while the house is quiet, right?

Heck yes, Xennie's been asking me why you don't play that more often.

She has?

Yeah, she loves that game just as much as you do!

Oh-- dude you just reminded me. You know how her middle name is Yonah?

Yeah, cracked me up when I found out. That's adorable.

Maybe, but uh... you know. Shades and stuff.

Oh. Oh. Geez, how did I not catch that?? And she looks like Infi, a little! Is that tied together too?

Probably.

Holy flaming swords, I knew that had to be important.

Haha, I told you things move fast in headspace!

You're preaching to the choir, kid! Now what else is in that entry? I'm curious now.

Well, it kept pointing out how I needed "offsets" or dichotomies to understand truths about life?

Like what?

Like only knowing that I am "of the Light" through knowing the truth about the Dark? It's hard to put into words... it's the principle of not truly understanding true joy unless you've known the deepest sorrow.

Makes sense. And that's what it said to you at first?

Yeah, that was literally my first impression of it.

How the heck did it get so violent so fast?

Let me keep reading... dude, it attacked you as soon as you walked in!

Yeah, that's why I'm bloody asking! Why the sudden switch?

It sees you as a threat.

To?

To its existence. As a protector, you are sworn to eliminating all darkness of that sort in the system. In order for Tar to survive, it needs that darkness to exist. Your existence, therefore, stands in direct opposition to it.

...Shoot, so does that mean that it's tied to Red but opposed to Violet?

Maybe.

Where the heck does Pink come in, then?

Pink is an extra slot, isn't it?

I don't quite understand Pink, yet. That's something you and I need to look into more.

Yeah.

Wasn't it technically a "splinter" of Red back when you were a kid? An alternate base slot, maybe?

Maybe! Dude that kind of makes sense.

Huh. It's interesting, is what it is. Keep reading. What else did you write about that stuff, before Leon yanked us out?

Chaos showed up.

Yeah, forgot you didn't mention that.

Both of you were freaking out though.

Well, obviously! I'd never seen anything like that before, and it felt really bleeding ominous!

Oh-- oh dude, when we blasted it with that triple-energy attack, which was white, it suddenly warped the space into a church??? Infi is that where we went on the-- don't smile at me like that, okay, that's a yes.

I was simply using the same energy.

So the Tar Room is supposed to be a church??

No, White energy naturally coalesces into church-like structures when it is forced to solidify, thanks to Jewel's energy being tied to it. Cathedrals, Basilicas, Churches.

Sacred places.

Yes.

Huh. Wonder if that holds any extra relevance with Leon, with how he can jump to them.

Question. Is he jumping, or is he forming pocket mindscapes TO jump to?

...Dude I don't actually know. I don't think he knows.

He says it's random. Seeing as how those places are usually inaccessible otherwise, it sounds to me like there's instantaneous structuring of raw headspace going on.

Dude. Wow. I admire that guy even more now.

Heheheh!

So that gives more proof to the Tar Room being malformed raw headspace.

Exactly. We're making progress!

Awesome. Anything else relevant to today's discussion in there?

Let me see... oh! The swords!

Heck yes, the swords.

I have those too.

Yeah, you showed us earlier, scared the bleeding life out of me. Why the heck are they so big, are you pulling an Ichigo Kurosaki on us?

They pressurize when he shrinks them.

I must use Black energy to form mine. That energy is very unstable in headspace right now.

Ah, okay. So Jewel's swords use White energy?

That's why they're crystalline, yeah.

Why the heck does Chaos have one too, then? Is that just because he's tied to you?

Maybe? Infi, what do you think?

Definitely.

Well that was an awfully sure answer, haha.

Chaos is very closely tied to Jewel's energy. So are many of the other midspacers. This is because they used his energy to anchor into this system.

True.

Laurie, I don't think you even considered that part.

Not the second half, no.

You're such a tease.

Someone's gotta do it, kid.

Oh yeah, and then I stored the sword in my chest. Like I usually do.

Do you have literal hammerspace in there, or what? Because I swear, kid, you hit like a truck.

So you understand what Chaos means when he says that now!

No kidding, that's why it took me ages to put my walls all the way down around you, mister levity!

Infi, would you have gravity stuff too?

Possibly. I've never checked.

Yeah, dude's only a few days old.

April 3rd happened an eternity ago, I swear.

What can I say, time is infamously weird up here.

But yes. Chest-swords.

What about them?

Well, space is pretty darn weird up here, too.

You're like... dating both those concepts too. Somehow.

It's inevitable. I like weird things. What does that say about you.

I am going to kill you.

Hahaha!

You two are great.

Good to hear. You two are, uh, pretty great too.

Shut up Laurie, and stop laughing.

No, I'm serious! I don't know what the heck's going on with this self-split stuff in here, but whatever you're doing, it's cool. Just keep brightening up my boy here, and I don't care what you two do.

Are you poking fun at me, Laurie?

Yeah, haha, and that grin is super creepy.

I could just stare, if you want.

Okay, no, the eyes are worse.

Hehe.

Guys, one last thing in this entry.

What?

The whole thing about how to "defeat" the Tar, or not.

Can you quote it?

Sure. "We couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all."

Sounds legit.

So love is the answer, yet again. Thanks, Todd Rundgren!

Yet again, my incessantly teasing you about these topics has relevance.

Ahaha.

No, I'm serious.

We don't have to use that process anymore, if the blocks are cleared sufficiently enough.

Are they, do you know?

They should be, but I think it keeps moving back in, as I said.

Shoot. All right then, that's our number once concern: stopping the freaking floodgate that is letting the Tar slip right back in here.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Really? Even if you agree with it? I'd think that's what's letting it in.

No, Laurie, listen... I... I might not understand it very well, what with how traumatic my past has been concerning all this energy and all, but... last night, talking to Infinitii, we were discussing how Black and White energy is passive and active in terms of creation, respectively; right?

Wait, what? How did I not hear about this?

You didn't hear about it?

No! Fill me in kid, come on.

Okay. So White energy is active creation energy. When used by a person, like with raw headspace, it allows for direct conscious creation through it. Black energy, though-- the stuff of soul forms-- is passive, which is fascinating. Passive creation means that Black simply allows creation to happen through itself. You can't actively control how it manifests. You just intend for creation to happen, and it does the rest.

Is that why the Tar is so manic? Because it can't really control how its own energy manifests?

Probably? It's an interesting thought.

Yeah, no kidding. Wait, Infi, what about you?

Jewel saw me when I was first manifesting, he can attest to that.

Ah, yeah, you were all over the place!

And my current form only manifested because it occurred through you.

Elaborate on that?

I am formed of Black energy, but I was specifically taken from Jewel in order to manifest. When forced to take a form, I had no control over the matter. My native energy allowed a form to manifest based on passive potential within Jewel.

Aha, that makes sense! So Black energy runs on potential, so to speak?

Yes, I suppose that's a clear way to put it.

And White is more specific? Narrowing down of potential, rather.

Yeah, sounds like it.

Cool. This is good, I'm learning a lot of important things today.

Haha, I almost said "Professor Spinny at your service," but that name's not mine anymore.

Not unless we're talking vortexes, which could work. But let's go back to the name thing, that was never answered. What's wrong with "Jewel" that it doesn't fit anymore?

Besides the obvious "that life was scratched" bit? Well, the title was given to my old persona after all.

So its connection to that has lingered.

I guess? The colors are all wrong, yeah.

Huh. And "Jay" is better?

It's just "J," not Jay. At least not correctly. "Jayce" still fits, oddly. It has the right color.

What's this with you and colors lately, too? Are you becoming synaesthetic or what?

A bit, if I tune into it!

Explain the name colors then.

"Jewel" is pinks, purples, and reds. Very old-school energy.

Ah, yeah, I get that. Pre-headspace.

Precisely! "Jayce" is silvery though, and specifically it has an almost ice-like "crackle" to it? I can't find the right word to describe the sound.

That name probably fits because it was bestowed specifically upon your White energy in the past.

Yeah.

So what's "Jay?" I know you use that downstairs now.

I can't quite catch that color clearly? The "y" throws me off though, that's what doesn't fit. "Y" is light yellow, I think. It's a thin, slanted vowel. "V" is purple, as it buzzes.

How about Z? That buzzes too.

Z is cool, I think it's silvery red?

That's oddly specific.

At least, the sound is. The letter itself is dark.

You and your weird sensory stuff. So what are we doing with your name, then? Are we sticking with J?

I don't know? I've actually been debating "Gem" as a rename. And "Katharos" kept coming up before, although that's more of a surname, and it feels VERY Greek which is distracting. Maybe it's Parnassian, and not a headspace name.

God only knows with you, kid.

Weirdly, though, that "gemmacorde" screenname I was using temporarily has the right vibe? Maybe as more of a title than a name, but it fits.

I can see why.

But yeah, "Jewel" can stay for now, as I can't exactly toss out the title I got from Dream World without discussing it with them first. I wonder how to do that now...

You know what, maybe that's why you're having trouble writing the story anymore. Didn't you effectively chop yourself the heck out of their timeline?

...Kind of?

You shouldn't have done that, Jewel.

What-- is that irreversible? Did it screw something up big time?

Almost.

Almost? How the heck do you know?

I can tell. Also your boss is telling me, quietly.

Sandman? Where the heck is he?

Outside.

I think he wants to come in.

Well, let him in!

Oh my, this is small. Hello, child!

Sorry about the bubblespace, we're kind of confined to this area for now.

That's fine, that's fine. I don't mind a bit. Now, child, I apologize for interrupting, but I've been looking for you and I seem to have happened upon an opportune time in the conversation to drop in.

Yeah, spot-on luck as always, boss. What'cha looking for the kid for?

To tell him about this very topic, apparently. Jewel's thought-waves reach me sometimes, and if I feel I can contribute to his understanding, I will stop by and let him know.

You're not busy?

Time is a strange thing where I come from, Laurie my dear.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, child, I am here to tell you about the Red color you mentioned previously?

Yeah, we were wondering what its role was here.

Well, you pretty much have it right! I did tell you the other day, child, that my role and Death's are indeed intertwined. I act as a protector to lives, he acts as a protector to deaths.

How so?

I ensure the continuation of current lives. He ensures the continuation of new lives.

A messenger across the River Styx.

Not quite. He prefers the "Angel of Death" archetype.

So a holy guide, then.

Quite.

And you're the same for the living?

If I may be so bold, yes.

Huh. Sounds fitting to me.

And child, that is part of why you must not die. Life is a treasure, and you must learn to value your own as well.

That's awfully deep for such an obvious and simple truth.

Sometimes the most obvious and simple truths are the deepest, child.

Hm.

Question, while I'm thinking of it.

Yes?

No, for Jewel. Or Infi, whoever the heck knows. Where the blood is this bubble when Jewel is inside it, since he's obviously not wearing it right now?

It moves into floating space. Precisely, here.

...Holy swords that is some seriously freaky stuff right there.

Haha!

Ah, a recursive reality! I do like these.

Sandman, what the heck.

Laurie, when you have seen as many things as I, you learn to appreciate even the strangest.

The darkest, too, I would assume.

Yes, child. Even the darkest. Nightmares are only fallen dreams, you know.

So. We're inside a bubble, inside of a bubble, inside of a freaking bubble, forever and ever amen.

That is why I am named Infinitii, Laurie.

Oh don't you even go there, my head hurts enough already without stupid Lightraye puns.

Is that really why that name clicked for you?

Quite likely, at least partially. Infinite potential, for the black energy, and for the recursive bubble. But "Eternos," that is for neverending cycles of life and death. Black and White, you and me, everything.

I like that.

And then there are two "I's."

Obviously!

The puns, they hurt.

Perhaps you have a similar name, Jewel?

I think "Jewel" fits pretty well with his prismatic thing.

It does, but perhaps he has a better, truer name, is what I'm saying.

He might.

Boss, you had a name once, right?

I did, child.

...It... does it matter to you now, or anyone? Or are you just Mr. Sandman?

I am simply Mr. Sandman now, child. After all, for a traveler of worlds such as myself, having one name only to adhere to would be quite limiting!

That's what I said!

Oh, were you discussing this?

Yeah, kid says he hates having only one name, face, et cetera. I said then it sounds like you're set up for your dream job already with the boss there. Pun intended, why not!

Haha, yes, that is also why he was chosen to be my Apprentice!

Geez, how many criteria are there?

As many as I wish to have. However, there are several rules for taking on the role of a Sandman. Once those are met, then my preferences or partialities simply come into play.

Which are?

Not many, Laurie.

Such as...?

Hm, well he did know Unisalia from a young age.

Yeah, how the heck did that come about?

Interworld connections, actually. The individual who bestowed Unisalia's anchor upon him in his downstairs world was linked to an individual in the same realm that ultimately brought Jewel to me.

Rosewindow, I assume?

Yes. Sister Rosemary Symphora. I do believe you met one of her friends during your dream travels, child?

Who, Clarice??

M-hm.

Dude, how the heck many people does he know?

Quite a few! He's been rather blessed since his childhood, and of course his connections to the Dream World have helped immensely on all fronts.

Then of course we have weird time shenanigans going on up here, as we also mentioned earlier, which ties back into way too many other worlds...

That's to be expected, yes!

Hey, boss?

Yes child?

What are your thoughts on... on Infi?

He is a part of you, isn't he?

Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss.

I would imagine so.

And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen?

Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take.

True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!!

Oh?

It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red.

Ah...

You see what I mean?

Yes.

That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier!

Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she?

She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot.

Oh. I see.

Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.

Wikipedia's color list says Cerise.

'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman?

With me?

Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...

Oh, child, I'm not sure if I could fill such a role.

Why not? Just curious.

Those are rather big shoes to fill.

Boss, sweetheart, if anyone's got shoes big enough to fit that spot it's you. Even though you don't wear any.

Still, child. I would not want to interfere.

With?

With the natural order of your system.

Outspacers have to go through you to anchor in here, kid, remember.

Yeah, but... is that... what color energy does that use?

Black.

Oh.

Hence the soul forms, you know.

Uncontrollable potential. I can't touch that.

I can.

You can?

Yes. At least, I can maneuver it well. If you would like to be part of the system, I may be able to bend the gateways allowing for that to happen.

"Bend the gateways?"

I can allow for an anchor to occur without a traditional Link gate.

Ah, okay.

Still, child, I don't know if I should...

I'm not forcing you, boss. I know you're busy, you have a huge role outside of here, but---

...

Boss?

I'm sorry, child. I love you, but I don't want to make this worse for you.

How would you make it worse?

Would not Gray fit between you and Infinitii? Child, I cannot disrupt that balance.

I see. You have a point.

So there's no Gray slot? Strikes me as pretty freakin' weird.

...Child.

Yeah?

In the future, if... if there is ever an occasion where there is unmistakably an open position for me to fill in this Spectrum, I would be honored to fill it.

But not now?

Not now, child. I'm not ready for such a role.

Boss, if you don't want to, you don't--

I do want to, child, that's the problem. Perhaps I want to too much.

How so?

I cannot juggle an anchored spot in this system and my role as a free-flying Sandman at once, Laurie!

Oh.

...Oh, no, wait, don't tell me it has to happen that way.

What way? ...Oh! No, no child, I promise that's not what I was suggesting. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just a little shaken up after that.

I know. I know. It's okay.

...

Hey, uh, you guys got any room for me over there?

Always, Laurie, come on.

Thanks. I kind of need a group hug right about now. Infi, you're in if you want.

I think I'll just experience this vicariously through Jewel.

Very funny.

Hey.

Yes Laurie?

Death doesn't need an Apprentice, right?

Laurie!! You can't do that!

Why the heck not?? If you're going to die and move on to bigger things one day, then so help me God, I want to be with you. I'm dead serious, boss, didn't mean that as a pun either but that happens when you're around Jewel. Keep me in mind.

I will, Laurie.

You will?

Of course. I will mention it to my brother, in all seriousness. Perhaps, even if he cannot take you on as an Apprentice, he can help you in some other way.

With not dying once this kid signs out for good?

Child, I doubt that would be the end of your existence in any case!

I'm not so sure sometimes, bossman. Also nice job making me feel my actual age, sheesh.

Haha.

Laurie...

Yeah, kid?

...If I have it in my power at all, I won't let you die once I leave.

Kid, that's not the point. Point is, I don't want to live without you.

Isn't that getting too attached?

No. It's recognizing when you bloody need someone in your life. In all of 'em, even.

...How can you be so sure?

Just believing what my heart's telling me, kid. Like you believe yours, standing right over there, apparently.

Hello.

That's, uh... that's a really good point, actually. Thank you.

For which part?

...Both of them. You and Infi by proxy. Just... both of you, really. And you, too, Boss, I... I know you'd return the sentiment the same as they do.

Of course I would, dear child. Your existence is a treasure in my life as well. You should treasure it in turn.

Heh, well said. 


So, um...

Getting too close for comfort, eh?

Haha, no way, I love you all immensely. I just want to know what else we need to talk about before I start closing this up. It's 1PM you know.

Sheesh, it is?

Time flies when you're having fun, Laurie!

Yeah, I guess so! Geez, uh, I'm actually not sure if there were any pressing matters we needed to attend to yet. Infi?

Yes, Laurie?

You got any topics you wanna discuss before we start closing this thing up?

I cannot say I do. From what I recall, Jewel was going to make a list for our next session?

Oh yeah, with reviewing last year. That's a good idea.

Hey, um... sorry about the record scratch.

You freakin' serious?

Yeah. I know that's what you were mad about when you came in here.

Jewel, I was mad about you having been slowly falling apart since February 24th.

Because of the scratch.

I think she forgives you, child.

Of course I bloody forgive him, how could I hold that against him?? He's had one heck of a life so far, it's understandable to want to cash in the last paycheck and hit the road once in a while.

That's the best idiom for death I've ever heard.

That was quite original, yes.

Shut up, it's true. S'why I brought this back, too.

...

Ah yes, your scar...

You remember this too, see? It's important. I wanted to die just as bad as you did back in Feb. And I would have, too, if you didn't save me.

...

You understand now, kid? What that means to me now? Looking back, yeah, I was kind of furious that you wouldn't let me die either. I saw no point in going on. But despite everything, you wouldn't let me give up, and that look in your eyes when you thought you had lost me was the most heartbreaking thing I've seen in my entire life. And I've seen a lot, kid.

I know.

So I owed you one. Maybe I wasn't the one to save you this time. That was your boss, sure, a round of applause for him, but seriously... well, heck, I owe him one too now, but...

I'm sure I'll call you in on that favor one day, Laurie.

Yeah, and I'm honestly lookin' forward to it. But really, Jewel, I owe you one for saving me. You remember what I said last December, right?

I remember what you said on the night with the Christmas lights, too.

Yeah. Heh, different take on the same truth, but good catch.

Things like that are worth living for.

Things like you are worth living for.

Laurie, please, don't...

Don't what? Don't remind you how important you are? Well how's this for a quote? "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." No idea who said it, and it's cheesy as heck, but it gets the point across.

...You really do love me as much as Chaos does, don't you?

No kidding, kid, I could've sworn I'd proven that point to you already!

She has a point, child.

You too, boss, I swear...

Yes?

You... you and Laurie, and Chaos, and my daughter. No matter how many times I try to off myself, or take a magnet to the tape, or erase everything, I can't erase any of you. And I've tried, God forgive me but I've tried. And I am so sorry. I love you so much, every one of you. Genesis too, geez, he's got a different role but he never gives up on me either...

You've got a lot of people looking out for you, kid.

Yeah, but the motivation is what gets me.

Love.

The only thing that can stop the Tar.

...

Geez, he's right.

I do believe that's a good point to close up on, child?

Sounds like it, yeah.

And you two are still cuddled up in the corner there.

I'm allowed to hug my Apprentice.

Yeah, it's just adorable.

She's jealous.

I am not.

I'm just teasing you, love.

Yeah, heh, I guess someone's gotta do that too.

So. French leave?

Perhaps I will. I did appear rather unexpectedly, after all, my departure should be similar.

Yeah, we're all pretty used to you randomly showing up and leaving the way it is.

True! So, child?

Yes boss?

Do smile more, promise me that. You look so much better with a smile.

Heh, I guess I do. Thanks.

I've been trying to tell him that.

I'm sure he heard. Sometimes it just takes a little extra push to really sink in, though.

I hear you.

Infi?

Yes?

It was a pleasure to meet you, even if our first encounter has been rather... informal.

I'm used to it. Structure is his thing, not mine.

He's the one with infinite bubbles.

Ah, but so are you, child. *doffs nightcap* Farewell!

That was not a freaking French leave, that little sneak, throwing parting paradoxes at us.

He's taller than you.

Hey, I had to find a nicer insult there. It feels really bloody weird to say anything rough around your boss, believe it or not.

He's too nice to even get pretend angry with.

Yeah, he is. So. We done?

With the session?

Duh, I don't see us doing anything else, do you?

Haha, no, sorry. Plus it is getting late.

Exactly.

This was nice, though. I think I'd like to have one of these once a week again, now that I'm sure I can still have them.

Good idea. We picking a specific day or what?

Uh, Thursdays maybe? Wednesday evenings?

Either one is fine.

How about both, just in case we can't make one time?

Sounds good to me. And no Monday nights because of therapy, I assume?

Well, no late Monday nights because of therapy, but having sessions on Monday-- like today-- might actually help my therapy quite a bit.

I thought so, yeah. Infi, you cool with that?

As cool as I can be.

Awesome. Guess that's it, then.

Five hours! That's about average.

Haha, man, this really took five hours?

Pretty much. Gonna be more once I'm done editing it.

That's hilarious. Good use of a morning though.

Good use of a bonus day off, you mean! Class was cancelled for today, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

See, now that's what we mean by "everything happens for a reason." The universe just decided "you know what, forget English class, Jewel needs to talk to Laurie." And so it was.

Haha!

Now, seriously, how the heck do we get out of this bubble?

Be polite and ask.

Ooh, sassmaster over here.

Heheh.

He gets it from you.

Everyone gets everything from me.

Perhaps that is relevant too!

What, the injoke?

The fact that everything we "joke" about always ends up having some bigger relevance down the line. And that's one heck of a big implication already.

Well, with what the White color is supposed to be and do, it makes sense...


Yeah, which isn't a big surprise.

Plus the whole Link phenomenon goes without saying.

We've gotta figure out a way to have outspacers visit without latching onto the system, because that was getting weird as hell.

The empty slots are acting like magnets.

Are they?

The Spectrum naturally wants to complete itself.

Makes sense.

Explains my obsessive searching for people who fit, too.

Yeah, you've gotta stop that. No controlling things, remember? Especially not where midslots are concerned. That's not your line of expertise.

We leave that up to you then, Infi?

You could. I won't be trying to order people around either, though.

Good! That's good to hear. People need to chill out and just let things happen up here, not naming any names.

Sure you aren't. But I agree.

Also, holy swords, that was a beautiful piano chord. What are you listening to?

improvisation no110 by Kyle Landry, a god among pianists. "Unchained."

Fitting title.

It is.

No, I mean for the session, too.

Oh! Good idea. That is kind of what we're doing, after all... taking off chains and shackles.

You're gonna fly free as a bird one day, kid, I'm telling you.

It would be nice, honestly.

No, I'm serious. That's actually one of the things I want most in this world, is for you to no longer be tied down by all this darkness I've been hunting down for years. I mean, I don't mind protecting you, I wouldn't give up this job for the world, but... it would be nice to know that, maybe, there's nothing after you for once.

Yeah.

We're getting there.

Cross my heart we are, Infi. Now are we actually going to close this up, or are we going to continue our usual pattern of unending conclusive dialogue?

Well, you could just ask Infi to pop us back out into Central, and we'd be good.

Good idea. Yo, sir eyeball-teeth, care to free us from this spherical headtrip so J can get on with his work?

He's giggling.

I'm beginning to appreciate your sense of humor.

Good, 'cause I ain't changing it to fit your style, you freak of nature.

Says the headvoice to the conglomerate.

See, you're a man of sass, I'm a man of swears.

I love how you never know what gender noun to use for yourself.

Dude, none of us in this room do, we all default to the male because it's at least bloody closer!

That's why I'm laughing!

Okay, really, enough of the bubblespace. Can we please exit this Bosch fever dream and go back to nice, normal headspace?

Okay, now that was funny.

Seriously, when the heck has headspace ever been nice and normal?

Since now, apparently. Guess it depends on your definition though.

Laurie.

Yeah?

I noticed you mentioned a "french leave" back there somewhere...

Oh no you flipping don't---

Ahahaha!

Agh. Talk about a rough landing, sheesh.

Hey, at least we're out.

Where the blood is that little trickster?

Right here.

Can he see us?

Maybe. It's funny to think.

*flips him off*

Laurie, haha, come on!

Hey, he knows it's all in good fun now.

Yeah. I imagine it'd be really difficult to offend him in any case.

Probably. Keep that one point in mind, though, Jewel.

What point?

That he was formed from you. Like a rib from Adam himself, for lack of a better and more fitting analogy. Anything good you say about that little nightmare of a headvoice, you better believe you're saying about yourself, too.

...Maybe that's what boss meant by the simple, obvious lessons.

Yeah. Sounds like that's something you need to learn from Infi there, and honestly I can't think of anyone better suited to teach you. Not even me.

You come really close, though.

Maybe. Can we close this thing up?

Oh geez, sorry! I forget, we just keep rambling and then it hits me that "whoa, this is still being recorded, isn't it?"

And you don't even bother to backspace, you just leave all of it up.

It's fun to look back on and read.

I imagine it would be.

Song's over, time to quit?

Sounds good to me. Oh, no, wait.

What?

What color is that chord?

Which one, the one that caught your attention before?

Yeah. Just curious if it has a color or something to your weird ol' brain.

Hm... 3:19, right?

Yeah.

...Reddish violet.

You're kidding me.

No, I'm serious! It's got the purposeful weight and the vibrant edge, that's both colors.

Haha, man, that's perfect.

Just like you, love.

Wh-- the heck, J, and you yell at me for saying things like that!

Heheh. I'm just in a good mood.

Well that's a heck of an improvement from five hours ago.

Seriously feels like five minutes ago, no lie.

Weird time shenanigans, kid. Just shrug and roll with it.

You mean, just shrug and...

Don't.

...deal with it.

That's it, that was one injoke too many, you're dead.

You can't kill what you can't catch!

I'm not gonna literally kill you, you son of a gun, get back here!

No, then this session isn't going to end!

Oh shoot, good point. Then you'd better watch your back, boy!

I can't, everything's too dark with these supercool shades on.

Ahaha, serves you right for wearing sunglasses indoors.

Don't, that's not a good reference, not for this session.

It's a good reminder.

That it is.

*swipes the shades*

Hey!

Now you can't deal with it.

*Kanye shrug* You have a point.

You rapscallion.

Pfahaha!!

Should I make it worse and say I'll leave this session after you, sir?

That would be too ironic.

Either way, we should really HURRY UP.

True, I think we've had enough injokes for today-- ow!!

That's for the sunglasses.

Yeah, I walked right into that one.

Probably because you couldn't see.

Ahaha, nice one!

Speaking of, what's this sudden dark space I see?

What dark space?

Oh, never mind, it's just the end of the freakin' entry.

Haha, point taken!
 

 


flicker

Apr. 7th, 2013 11:11 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

 

 


Mmkay, just moved the nasty tar-energy entry bits to adflixerunt, where they belong. I guess the data in them is still relevant, at least as far as self-improvement topics are concerned, so feel free to read them if you wish (but watch your step, please, as always).

"Game Over" already has 250 plays on my iTunes... I find that absolutely hilarious. I'm not sorry though; it's an absolutely gorgeous and moving song, even if it drives me to tears sometimes, and gives me heartbreaking waking visions. "Miserere" did the same on both points, after all, and you all know how dear that song has become to my heart.

However, as to why I'm updating yet again, I just remembered that some crazy stuff went down during the Divine Mercy mass today-- and some even crazier stuff just happened upstairs but we'll get to that.
First, mass. I've been a dead-eyed emotional chasm for a few days now, and woke up this morning feeling completely empty. Unfortunately that's how I went to church: scraped-out and hollow. That began to change when I found myself face-to-face with a priest for confession, the most important confession of the year as far as indulgences are considered. I stuttered out a mess of an admittance, saying how violent and angry I'd been lately without knowing why, unsure if that would count for anything. As I expected, he told me that God forgives all things, but that if I had hurt anyone with my actions, I needed to go to them and repair what I had damaged.
That's something to think about, I suppose. I've been having a LOT of trouble with empathy lately. When my mom saw the cuts on my legs, she told me a few days later that she couldn't sleep because of it, that she felt she was at fault. I didn't understand that at all; it's obviously not her fault, and why would my damage make her lose sleep? And my grandmother, she worries about everything... when I stay up late she works herself into an insomniac rage until I lay down. I don't understand that either. Why worry about whether or not I'm sleeping? So you see, I can't tell if I've hurt anyone, because I don't understand the concept anymore. I've hurt myself, maybe, sure, what with how I'm sabotaging my integrity. But everyone else? How am I supposed to know whether or not they decided to take offense? I mean, I can definitely apologize to the people I've physically hurt, because that unfortunately has happened too... but even then, it feels wrong and shallow. When I'm in a forgiving state of mind, my thought process is all "why am I apologizing; I'm not responsible for that. As far as my timeline is concerned, that never happened." That's sincerely what I think! So is my identity really fractured that badly, without my knowing? I haven't formed any tangible splinters that I'm aware of, that is, unless the Tar is usurping all the broken-off bits of my psyche... huh. We're getting off topic though... actually, no, not really.
Confession made me feel somewhat better. I thought, "okay, even if that wasn't a model confession, maybe I can still start off with a blank slate here." I stumbled into the dimly-lit bathroom and stared at myself in the tiny mirror, wondering "who am I?" and feeling like life itself was just a dream. (I saw a holographic reflection of a cherry tree last month, right before my surgery... since then, everything feels false. It's messing with my daily life something fierce.) When I entered the church itself, though, I was immediately distracted by the abundance of roses surrounding the white-marble altar, and the pools of stained-glass light spilling into the corners of the room. It felt right, somehow. Resonant. I sat down and closed my eyes for a while.
I kept fighting feelings of inadequacy and irredeemability throughout the mass. I felt like an outcast, like an impostor. I kept half-expecting the priest and speakers to suddenly turn to me and declare my sinfulness, for the congregation to cry out in one righteous voice and drive me out of the church. I felt like I was tainting everyone else's piety and faith simply by being in the room. Why is my faith so strange lately, like melted glass? The rituals I celebrated in my youth feel so strange, now. The recited prayers and mantras feel off. When I dig deep, the motivations are true, but the execution no longer matches up. It's somewhat frightening, as it feels like I'm slipping out of the hands of God.
Anyway. These feelings became bad to the point where I simply sighed and went upstairs for a minute. Immediately I found myself confronting the Tar, who was grinning at me maniacally with the face of my old baseball-capped persona. The event itself is blurry, but oddly, my semi-apathetic state allowed me to face it without fear. Unimpressed, I informed it that my old face did not belong to it. In fact, I suddenly declared, I was going to give that persona a life of its own, since it was splintered beyond belief even when I still identified with it. I began to consciously do so, and the Tar looked shocked, then furious, spitting at me as it clawed at its own visage, trying to hold on to that illusion. It could not, though, so immediately it snapped into the Celebi face. Before it could lunge at me again, I simply added "that's not your face either," clarifying that the "Celebi" I knew in my youth was actually a Jewel Monster with an entirely different personality than the Celebi I had met in headspace last year. Tar immediately snapped that it was because it had created that Celebi, but I shook my head. It had taken advantage of the canon Celebi for its own purposes, is what it truly did. So it had no right to wear that face either. By this point the Tar was in a fury, and after a few more moments of maniacal twisting and raging, it suddenly burst into an awful amalgamation of eyes and teeth, roaring at me with unadulterated hate. Not even flinching, I simply said "also, the eye thing is Infinitii's, not yours." That's when it finally attacked, but before it could reach me, there was a sudden slash of violet, and Laurie was beside me, swinging her axe. She asked what the hell I was doing, while sending a torrent of smaller hatchets to pin the Tar to a far wall. I tried to respond, but to our surprise it jumped back up at us-- and then Leon was there, grinning and assuring us "I got this," before warping us to a random cathedral.
He hit the floor laughing as Laurie and I stumbled to our feet. Laurie asked what the heck he was doing, how is he always showing up when we're in trouble nowadays? Leon smiled and responded that he's been keeping an eye out for us specifically lately. When Laurie demanded more clarification, Leon sheepishly admitted that Josephina had actually asked him to do so-- and then revealed that Jo had actually taken him on as an apprentice. Laurie immediately exclaimed "what?!" (Laurie is teaching Jo, now Jo is teaching Leon) in total surprise, and I know there was a bit of a discussion here on that point, but really my memory isn't so hot as I needed to pull myself back downstairs.
I do remember one more important point from later, though. We were debating what slot I actually fit in. Sure, I KNOW I fit White (and my boss has clearly stated that this is my true position) and I have no problems with it at all, but when I'm in it, I feel detached from the system itself. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't still part of the system. Laurie was trying to pull me back into Red to see what would happen, and shockingly I snapped right back to it-- but it felt off, and incorrect somehow. We experimented with this for a while more, but the only conclusion we could come to was this: since Black and White are outside of the Spectrum lineup, there's a possibility that the Red slot is supposed to stay empty when I'm in White, for me to step into when I want to operate as a headvoice again? Because when I'm in the Red slot, I can do a LOT more energetically? Maybe it's just because I'm used to that energy signature, but who knows. I need to be more patient with this in any case, and stop trying to solve everything instantaneously. It's a very bad habit of mine.
Oh yeah... I can't remember when this happened either, but the Tar kept going back to its Razor splinter whenever I wondered about the Red slot's true holder (getting close enough for me to realize that its teeth are literally razors, that's pretty scary). That's what is confusing me the most about this slot mixup though: both the Black and White slots show a strong connection to that color, and ONLY that color. Why? Is that supposed to happen? Also, who the heck IS Razor, really? Remember that she appeared in a legitimate headvoice fashion during that one existentially jarring self-abuse slipup in 2008, right when everything started going downhill. I need to look back into events around that time, it might help to shed some light on this mess. HOWEVER! The Tar DID tell me something extremely important while taunting me about this-- it revealed that it's stealing Julie's Pink slot initially was monumental in significance, because I held Red at that time, and Pink is technically Red mixed with white. It was also the ONLY other slot in the system at that time. By slowly growing to manifestation WITHIN that slot, the Tar was able to attack me more acutely than it would have been able to in any other position, as it was targeting not only my self, BUT my unknown potential!! This ALSO explains the "splinter locks" on the Green, Blue, and Indigo slots in the past (with Bridget, Missy, and Jessica, respectively)-- the Tar created pseudo-headvoices specifically to keep me from accessing those points of the Spectrum. It can't touch Violet, and it "didn't bother with Orange" since it was already screwing with that something fierce. Same with Yellow-- that's the "power slot," which is hilariously evident if you look at the color's role in Dream World (note to self: REVIEW THAT IN LIGHT OF THIS), and I felt utterly powerless for most of my past thanks to both the Tar AND its outside influences taking control of my life. This is also why Jo needs to talk to me more; I've never been comfortable with the color as a result and that needs to change dude. But THAT is why Tar pretending to be a Celebi and doing what it did to me was so excruciatingly painful-- when it did so, it effectively hijacked the Chartreuse slot, which is between Yellow and Green-- power and compassion. The Tar was using that slot to try and attack my heart. So thank God it's out of there!! Jeepers. It also means we have to be extra-careful in watching that slot now; the Spectrum has three empty slots left: Red (which is one hell of an anomalous color right now), Chartreuse, and I think Cerise? It's the red-pink midslot, whatever it ends up being called. Mr. Sandman, IF he is part of the System and not just my badass boss, MIGHT be Silver?? That would make him a neutral, balancing force between Infinitii and I, which is oddly fitting. So we shall see. In any case, Chartreuse and Cerise are both midslots as well, which means they HAVE to be filled by outspacers. I'm not sure if there's a "source parallel" going on or not, but since Ryou and Marik are from the same native world, as are Genesis and Spine, does that mean one of those two will be from the Sonic universe (where Chaos is from), and one will be from Rosewindow (where Mr. Sandman is from)?? I guess we'll find out eventually. I'm going to try not to have any influence in the matter, and just let it happen. The last thing we need is me screwing things up like I did with the Tar-Celebi, because I think I know what I'm doing. I really don't, not with how weird my life is. So I'm going to surrender this matter to whatever divine force is orchestrating the whole thing, and see what happens.
By the way! I also figured out why White and Black feel wrong when I view them as solid tones. They're not supposed to be! The Black slot is supposed to operate as a combination of all colors in the "substance" sense (like mixing paints), NOT as an "absence of light" (which is what the Tar is)... and the White slot is supposed to operate as a combination of all colors in the light sense (White splits into ALL colors when run through a prism-- for some reason that feels HUGELY important as a detail, especially since the word "prism" keeps jumping out at me lately), NOT as an absence of all pigmentary colors! This also explains why both Infinitii and I have oddly iridescent overlays to us when we're tuned-in. I was wondering about that, haha.
Lastly... I have no idea what happened here, but I think there was another really bad Tar ambush during one of the Razor incidents, because I have this weird little floating memory of being surrounded by Tar and then suddenly, Infinitii was there? But it was specifically at a point where my color was slipping, because I desperately reached out to hir, said that "this can't be right, you're so much better than I am," and flipped our energy balances. Infi protested when ze realized what was happening, but in a flash, suddenly ze turned pure white. It was beautiful, it felt so right to see that, but just as quickly, I began to blacken. Infi actually got a look of legit "oh hell no," and immediately knocked us down into our bubblespace. Immediately ze began tearing huge stringy slabs of tar from me (apparently it was only surface-level yet, thank God), calmly though, and tossing them in the corner. It did this until it was all gone, then simply asked me why I had done that. I replied, emptily, that I didn't deserve to hold the White slot. I was too corrupted, too bad of a person. Infi reminded me that we were made of the same stuff, and stated that I was not a bad person: I was as good as ze was. I didn't believe this, but was too tired to debate it. I think right around here, though, Infi realized that our inner "balances" of opposite energy were starting to react. Ze actually looked somewhat scared for a moment, as it was now holding black, the same stuff that was corrupted in me. I was the one to act, though-- the last thing I wanted was for hir to suffer through that because of me flipping our slots temporarily, even if I did feel ze deserved mine instead. I wasn't the one in control of this after all. So I hurried up and pulled hir close, forcing a ricochet flip, and restoring our actual colors. Infi looked at me sadly then, and I remember wondering that hir color didn't seem right. Sure enough, it wasn't; Infi suddenly noticed that some Tar had stuck to hir in response to this whole fiasco. However, instead of peeling it off like ze did with me, ze told me to stand back, and then suddenly started concentrating intensely. Infinitii then literally burned the Tar away with sheer willpower. That was awesome as hell to watch, it literally dissipated like boiling water. After that, we spoke for a little longer, and I mentioned my red concern, since we both had bits of the color on us yet. I think Infi responded that it was because Red was the "life" slot in terms of color roles? B&W held it because that's where the Spectrum sprang from initially, I suppose. It made sense. Also Infi clarified that the Spectrum is NOT a straight line, or even a rainbow arc-- it is a circle, an infinite loop! Although it may have started with Red and Pink, technically there was no beginning or end to it, and since B&W were in the center, we were at equal closeness with EVERY color in the system, not just red. I found that pretty awesome. But that's all I can remember of that whole chain of events. Lastly I just want to add that the feeling of being pushed out of bubblespace is pretty sweet.

As for what happened right before I started typing this entry, uh... that was me talking to Infinitii again too, but this time about my inner energy being tainted yet. Infi said it was doing a lot better, but it wasn't something we could solve overnight. Lucky for me, at the time I was actually feeling somewhat "in sync" downstairs, despite feeling sick (go figure), which helps me tune into White better. So we tried cleaning up that energy a little more while I was in a state of mind where it was possible.
I will say two things about that: one, there wasn't a lot of Black in there in any sense, so I think we literally have to get me completely empty before we can fix that for good. That's gonna be weird, and it might take a while, but progress is being made. Second, I didn't know it was possible to eat energy colors?? But apparently it is! Seriously Infi gave me this handful of luminous white energy and was all "you need to swallow this." I shrugged and decided okay, cool, I trust this thing, let's give it a shot. So that was a surprise-- but nowhere near as big as the shock I got when I immediately got positive reaction from it DOWNSTAIRS? Seriously, I got a tangible physical waverush; it literally felt as if consuming it had instantaneously washed out a good deal of lingering energetic heaviness. I still feel oddly tingly and floaty, which is really cool. Unfortunately Infi had to do the opposite?? Apparently ze's trying to convert all the tarry Black energy stuck in me by eating it. Yes, that's a thing ze can do, which is pretty badass, but I still feel bad as I KNOW how painful that stuff is to consume (Infi insists ze's "used to it" though, and not to worry).
Good news though: Infi has informed me that the more progress we make here, the less intensive the clearing process needs to be in the future. The first one was CRAZY, this one was pretty nuts as well, but I guess #3 will be a walk in the park, haha. Let's hope so... I miss working exclusively with headspace energy, but Infinitii told me that we HAVE to bring my physical awareness into the clearing process at first because that's where the blockages are. So we have to play by the rules until those blocks dissipate (which, apparently, is happening slowly but surely, as long as I don't let them reform, or allow any new ones to manifest). Infi sternly warned me not to react to this whole process either: tarry reactions, like hateful judgments, rage, and guilt, were what we were trying to get rid of, and so allowing them to spring back to life immediately after was not smart at all! It's tricky, as we're exacerbating that stuff by trying to purge it, but that's a part of any healing process, so we can deal.
GEEZ though am I ever glad I got this little dude torn out of my ribcage, holy shuppetcakes. Being around hir really helps me believe-- sincerely-- that I'm not a bad guy. For hir sake, and the sake of the rest of the Spectrum, I'm going to try to keep that in mind always now. I've slipped a lot over the past year, but I know that no one is ever truly lost. I mean, seriously, just look at Julie. She's a big source of hope for me, too... which is somewhat ironic, as she technically wouldn't even be in the Spectrum right now if I hadn't interceded on her behalf. I need to remember things like that, too.
...Laurie restored that scar on her neck, too (remember they were healed last year). I asked why, wasn't that a remnant of darker times? She said yes, technically it was, but more than that... more than anything, it was a reminder of how much love I held in me, even when I insisted I didn't have any at all. It was a reminder to her of exactly what she was protecting with her very life. After all, if I hadn't healed her enough to cause a scar, well... she wouldn't be with us right now. Hearing that from her meant a lot to me. It really, truly did.
This is why I love my weird life, when all is said and done. Stuff is just too great.

Last minute random update: I am proud of myself, as I watched my first ten minutes of Doctor Who the other day, finally! Now I just need a job so I can get Netflix and watch ALL of it one day... that is, if I ever get over my loathing of televisions, haha. I'm just tired of staring at screens man, computers are bad enough.


Now I actually have class tomorrow morning, and if I go to sleep right now I'll just barely get seven hours of sleep, so yeah. Gotta run son!



It's a curse in a cycle of misbelief,
and it keeps on happening.
A tradition, a trail of deceit.
I never stopped and questioned,
"Why is it so damned hard to find
anyone who can get behind
such a simple plot?"
Keep your eye on the prize.

Think what you want.
Believe what you think.
Know what you believe
'cause it's all misconceived.
And I asked you for nothing.
Nothing but, "Why?"
"Because" isn't an answer,
it's just a reply.

 

 

glassware

Apr. 6th, 2013 01:38 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)


Okay, uh, I've only been awake for an hour and a half, and already stuff is nuts.

Last night, I consciously (gave ONLY Tar the ability to hurt me, no one else could slip now.)

(had a TRAUMATIC nightmare, nice job man. had to force myself to lie back down for an hour just to calm down)


(first talked to spine about slot concerns. as we spoke she agreed that she was NOT A HEADVOICE. headvoices ALWAYS know what they are when they are manifested; spine did NOT. she appeared in the system from an outside place and didn't even know who we were-- we had to CONVINCE her to join us! so yeah she said she belonged in a secondary slot, not a main slot. i said vermilion was still open, but maybe red-violet existed as a slot too, i couldn't tell. she said that was "too important" of a slot for her, said vermilion was fine. so i warped us to the color room that we were in during my hospital visit in november (where nathaniel went permanently green + mothy), the ring with the literal slot positions for reassignments and stuff (where the fish that even??? is it a floating location?). she was standing in the red slot, walked out of it, i could feel the discord between her and that color, she obviously did not belong there. she moved into vermilion and it began moving into place, then she smiled at me and said she knew what she was now. then surprisingly her ENTIRE form changed, she is actually a PARNASSIAN after all!! her soulgem is an upside-down isosceles triangle. she said it was to remind her of "what she once was," when she was a pseudo-headvoice and worked so closely with lynne and i especially.)

(then visited the cathedral. suddenly struck me as bizarre that, not only was it so small, it was built on SAND. what kind of a foundation is that! so i went outside it, held out my arms, and said something like "if i can change headspace at all, then let me do it now." immediately the entire beach began to swirl around me (like the dreamsand in rotg, it was awesome), and the cathedral itself lifted up from the ground.)

(i spent a little while trying to figure out where it should anchor. i tried another beach, then a cliff, then a forest, none worked. i changed its size and everything. nothing would click! then i remembered when it temporarily moved into the central city around easter last year? so i moved it back, reluctantly because it didn't feel "right" amidst all that metal.)
(also i realized that i can't remember the last time i saw the city in the daytime, if ever. it always seems to be at nighttime, with nebulae and stars in a cloudless sky)
(glowing, white, orb above?? looked more like lotus temple, bigger on the inside??)

(statues! spectrum ring in center, monochromes at four points around it, cathedral window in center ceiling AND floor?? was that one a gate??)
(the cathedral is now on a ring of steps/ stairs? then a pillar beneath. really cool.)

(city changed too. vegetation everywhere now; trees on the top of every building, vines and climbing plants branching everywhere. also some BIG trees, skyscraper-size, among the buildings; their leaves and branches went everywhere. also MANY of the skyscrapers changed to crystals? really pretty stuff.)

(stuff started to get dark again later, headspace fracturing and getting frighteningly erratic like it was last night? ALWAYS a bad sign, hacks imminent. infinitii called to me and told me to get out of there, i forced myself to wake up.)

 


 

prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

 

 

Okay, update time.
Let's start off with the daily basics.

First, I've been breaking out in hives after eating for the past three days, accompanied by dizziness and nausea. Problem is, I can't pinpoint what's doing this. It's hard to keep food down and frankly it's scary just to eat anymore, what with how sick it seems to invariably make me feel. I'm thinking of doing a vegetable fast from now until my surgery, and pray that takes care of the problem. If not... we'll see. Either way, though, my weird eating disorder is getting worse. I'll only "eat" when no one else is in the room so I can spit it right back out; swallowing food makes me nauseous. However, if I am in the room with other people, my chewing addiction will STILL kick in, and since I'm trying so hard to "entertain" or otherwise amuse those other people, I'll end up eating a ton of food without realizing it. That's when I end up trying to vomit it all back up. Problem is, I'm tired of it. My throat is raw and sore, I keep coughing, my nose burns, my stomach hurts. I don't want to keep doing this. I just spent my last $10 this week on food that I promptly threw up, now leaving me broke with nothing to show for it and no job until after surgery (and possibly school as well) is over. Even worse, I'm burning through my family's money, which I've already mentioned, but which haunts me constantly. I'm trying to scrape some dollars together to buy some sort of mouth guards, anything to put in my mouth so I can't put food in there when I feel that driving need to bite or chew. My arms are covered in scabs the way it is. But you've all heard enough about that, and I don't want to talk about it.
Speaking of talking about things, our second point is that I started therapy this morning. It's difficult though, as this guy is the kind of therapist that makes ME do all the talking. Oh well, I suppose therapy is therapy. So I'm doing what I can in sessions. One good thing is that he DID tell me that he "doesn't treat patients as collections of symptoms," basically, like my previous therapist did. This guy said, specifically, that he will treat me as an individual first and foremost, so "finding a therapy method that meshes with my multiple diagnoses" isn't even a concern here, thank God. He also told me almost immediately that "our goal here is to talk about whatever is on your mind," with "whatever is on my mind" being defined as the things that don't leave it, so to speak. The first thing that pops into my consciousness when he says that is what I should discuss, with no censorship-- although that is still very difficult for me. Still, I at least had the guts to explain my gender troubles to him briefly today. It took up most of the session but since it's my most pressing concern, I'm very glad it's at least out in the open... not shoved under the rug like I've done in the past. However he keeps prodding me to talk about my "abusive history," which I haven't clarified (obviously) because of how bizarre said history is to me. On that note, no, I didn't mention headspace yet and I actually might not in that context, unless an unintentional slip or insurmountable psychological obstacle forces my hand. I am terrified of dealing with another 2008 confrontation where the nature of reality is concerned, so I can't help but tread lightly now when I am all but obligated to bring it up. Still, at the moment I am strongly considering referring to them ALL as "long-distance friends," but I don't want him to pull the "people online aren't who they say they are" card either, which would just make his perception of them worse (by assuming I don't actually know them, which I most definitely do). However, I think I've invented a way to talk about my past abuse at the hands of the Tar... instead of talking about Julie (as her redemption story is FAR too difficult to explain to an outsider), I will refer to the Tar itself as a girl named Tara, who I 'met in elementary school' but who wasn't in my grade.' It's a reasonable enough fabrication, and it would make the whole thing a LOT easier... I hope. Problem is, there are some theoretically impassible snags that I'm already encountering while reviewing the whole ruse. Laurie says the biggest one is "then when and where did this 'Tara' abuse you if you've already claimed you had no social contacts as a child?" Of course I could claim she was the only one, but really I don't want to get all tangled up in falsehood... geez this is awful. Why am I so scared to bring this up? I want to finally discuss this with a therapist after burying the pain (which I STILL keep insisting is "fake and stupid") without traversing too far into the difficult and unsteady topical ground that is headspace. I just don't like telling lies, ever, even the protective kind... and Julie isn't too happy about me refusing to acknowledge her struggles and existence in light of this whole thing anyway. But we'll get to that. First, point three.
Our third point-- which falls on an unfortunately very related note-- is that I haven't been sleeping well. I've been having nightmares, in which I either die or am involved in an apocalyptic scenario, and I've been waking up several times during the night. Not only that, but it's taking me anywhere from one to three hours to fall asleep in the first place now. I can't say for sure why this is, at least not with total conviction. I do, however, know why I haven't been able to sleep since Monday... and why my literal nightmares haven't been as bad as they could be.
I'm having those when I'm still awake.
That's what brings me here.

If you haven't been reading my bloodier entries on adflixerunt, I don't blame you. However, as stated there, around 2AM on Sunday the 17th I tried to talk to Celebi, hoping that she would have some sort of advice on what to do with our now-mangled timeline. She felt off, somehow, moreso than usual, and since I was already tired, sick, and emotionally wrecked, I called her out on it.
She melted into tar.
It literally scared the life out of me-- a fright that turned into horror when the next words out of her darkly grinning mouth were "don't you remember, bitch? When did you first see me up here?"
Now, I did mention this briefly on Scribbld, but it bears both repeating and further explanation. The "Celebi" in our system appeared in January of 2012, completely without warning. This is notable for one very, VERY big reason: on January 4th of that same year, I abandoned the "Gaia" misnomer I had been given in our beta timeline, and adopted my new one: Eros, or Cupid. This name hadn't been randomly handed to me either; on the contrary, I was led to it through a stunningly gorgeous chain of synchronicity that may not have begun on but at least climaxed on December 23rd of 2011. However, the biggest switch with respect to Sunday was that the old "Gaia" name had been fittingly given to my OLD self, so to speak... the one that shattered into splinters, and the one that, for years, identified as a Celebi herself. January 4th was the date I forever shed that childhood identity, becoming reborn into my new and true role. However, January11th was the day I declared that I had "stopped Tar hacks for good," now that I understood how my role affected my understanding of the energy it was warping. That's when stuff got weird.
On the 12th, I said this: "I'm still a Celebi, still a time-traveler, but now I glow red instead of green." I also said, "The other night I tried to switch my perception, to send my love back to myself. I couldn't do it." Sound like a warning sign yet? If not, just take a look at THIS sentence... "Fast-forward to November 2011...The game was scratched, started anew... but we had managed to rise above the old system, and so we survived, to be brought into something new and yet so familiar. The 12th introduced our oldest and yet heretofore hidden adversary, the tar. By the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place, but I could no longer be trapped there. I knew I was lost, but I knew I could get out, although I also knew it would be incredibly difficult."
This is what happened on January 18th. Understand the title now?
So yeah. I completely missed all the warning signs the first time around, but in those early weekend hours, staring into inhumanly blue eyes, they all hit me like a bullet to the brain.
When Celebi appeared in my headspace, I didn't recognize her. To quote myself, she was "an individual I had never known nor seen before. She wasn't the Celebi I had known since my youth; she claimed she was 'from the movies.'" I didn't question it... and by the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place... you get the picture.
I daresay I don't have to mention the fact that, when we first visited the Razor Spire, the Tar specifically turned into a Celebi form to scream at me about my self-hatred and "inner suicide," refusing to forgive me, refusing to listen to me. And now I just remembered that, last summer, I was warned by a friend about a "green threat" in my headspace... I guess that was it, too.
Geez. his is all bothering me like you wouldn't believe, though... because we had a freaking incident while we were in Utah! However I haven't re-read it since this tar thing happened, and I really should... it could have the exact answers I need. I won't waste time analyzing all of that right now, though... there are more pressing matters to discuss.
Anyway, I managed to run away from her, just barely. I then noticed that my old Celebi plush was in the bedroom, after not having been there for fear of it for weeks beforehand. I grabbed it, soberly walked down the hallway, and threw it under a table. I felt nothing. Then I went back to bed, praying for sleep. Upon waking up a few hours after this incident, though, I decided to speak to Ryou. He, too, felt weirdly off and I called him out on it, explaining how even our words felt empty and false, and I was concerned.
Then he grinned, too... and there was the tar, laughing. "I thought I had you this time!"
So yeah. Sunday was not a good day.
There is one bit of hope, though. Although I will admit it terrified me when Ryou, of all people, went tarry on me, he does have one key element to his existence that Celebi does not: his Yami. True, he wasn't anchored to headspace and so he 'dissolved out' back in 2005 or so, but seeing how Marik's Yami actually came back this year, rather dramatically, AND both of them were resurrected (at least temporarily, as it was tar-based, AND Marik's Yami was more of a splinter while Ryou's was a whole other person, so we might just be dealing with two Tar doppelgangers here) during our double 4th incident in November, this could be something to look into. Once again, I will do that tonight or tomorrow, whenever I have time. Let me continue my current train of thought first.
When I recovered enough from the shock of Sunday morning, I grabbed that Celebi plush from under the hall table and marched out to the porch with it... and promptly began flinging it at the walls. I spent about two minutes trying desperately to burn off all the shame, pain, and rage she had brought over the past year, no longer caring whether or not the plush was damaged. I thought back to when I wanted to burn it, how everyone told me not to. Now, looking for someone to stop me from slamming her anchor plush into cold stone, I found no one. Even the plush felt empty, dead, barren. I knew it was over. Whatever may have been there before, it was over. The jig was up. I looked at the lifeless thing on the floor for a moment longer, feeling nothing but absolute loathing, and instantly I knew what to do. I was going to keep her from lying to me ever again, I swore. I was going to make her anchor match her true face. So I went back into the house and got a knife, scissors, and paint.
Please understand that, by this point, I was such an emotional wreck that I had slipped far beyond any semblance of my rational self.
I grabbed the plush and cut its eyes out.
I then proceeded to paint it black, stabbing it here and there with the knife, sawing its mouth open, contemplating tearing off its wings. I spent about two hours mutilating it. Still, I felt nothing.
When I was too tired and cold to continue, I went inside, alone, and I don't remember the rest of the day.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... maybe I asked for it.

See, the reason why I even started this huge Celebi-centered paragraph in the first place was simply to give you some needed backstory, so that you would understand the next thing I am about to say.

Around 3AM on March 19th, I was hacked.
Literally.

It was so traumatic that when it was over, I curled up in a corner of the bathroom and sobbed, after trying and failing to scrub the pain away.
I don't remember how it started. I have a vague recollection of her, tar-dripping and horrible, suddenly looming over me, but that's it. What I do remember is screaming for help. Laurie eventually did show up (when she found me) and did everything in her power to try and save me, but it wasn't working. I'm almost positive that Leon and Lynne were with her, too (I know for a fact that Leon's warping ability was needed at one point).
Unfortunately, the Tar has gotten smarter.
It warped me out.
I have no idea where it and I ended up then, but we were unreachable. It felt like that horrible week after February 24th, when I couldn't feel or sense anyone upstairs: I kept trying to get the attention of anyone in headspace, begging for help, sending out frantic threads into the surrounding mindscape in hope of reaching something. No such luck. I was trapped.
...
I don't know how to refer to that thing anymore. Do I just call it "tar?" Should I use the "Tara" name or is that being too personable? Or is Celebi's name the one I should use? It looked like her... everything about it was her. It was her, who am I kidding, we all know that whole identity was faked. The whole time it was her, painted like an oilslick, mocking me, ruining me.
Julie was never so cruel. Yes, she did some horrible things to me during her time as the Tar's mistress, but now that it's attacking me like this... I don't want to think about it, let alone talk about it. My mind keeps shorting out when I try anyway.
Two times she tore the life out of me. Perhaps it was karma, divine retribution for what I did on January 15th of this year... for the 17th of last year. All I know is that it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced, to feel so completely helpless and ravaged and yet convinced that maybe I deserved it.
Still, no amount of self-loathing could chase away the sheer panic I felt when she jumped on me a third time.
I shut my eyes against the pain, and screamed for my boss.

He heard.

The next thing I knew, he was literally throwing her off me, his normally calm face tight with fury. Someone with soft white hands helped me to my feet, and in dull surprise I realized it was Unisalia, in her human guise. Then the hands gripping my shoulders were his, and I don't remember what he said, but then the space around us shattered and suddenly we were in Central.
Laurie, Leon, and Lynne all ran over to me then, terrified but relieved, asking my boss where in the world I had been, what happened, so on and so forth. I don't remember it because my brain was in shock.
Right around then is when I stumbled into the bathroom in physicality and collapsed, wrapping my arms around myself and crying soundlessly, too hollowed-out to want anything but sleep.
I went back to bed and boss took me aside upstairs, saying he was going to do his best to heal me. He and Unis then warped me to a dimly-lit, stark, but safe and familiar place. It was the waiting room from this dream, and sure enough, who came running to meet us but the suited man (he's actually known as the "Pale Man" from what I've heard) and his chandelier-girl assistant. Now, you guys probably don't know this, but remember how in that dream he allegedly had the ability to "bring drawings to life?" This is actually because of a paintbrush he owns: with it, he can literally paint things into existence. This is why boss brought me to him-- if something had been torn out of me by the Tar-Celebi, then perhaps he could help me paint it back. Anyway, Pale Man was out of breath when he reached us, and had already begun talking to Mr. Sandman and Unis about the situation when he noticed me (I had waved at the chandelier-girl then, and she had shyly waved back). The Pale Man paused, obviously recognizing me, then said "beautiful boy," in a quiet but realizing voice, effectively correcting his dialogue from the dream I met him in. He then began to apologize, but boss smiled and waved a hand, saying it wasn't really necessary-- my gender warped in dreams just as his apparently did, as our forms were not locked-in as we traveled. Boss then added that this was normal for Sandmen, after all. Pale Man paused yet again, then breathlessly asked "he's the Apprentice??" Boss nodded, but quickly added that "that wasn't the concern right now," and gave him a quick summary of what I had just endured, explaining that we needed his abilities for some emergency care. Pale Man nodded and took out his paintbrush, walking over to me, but he seemed confused, saying that he wasn't sure what needed to be done. Now I was already starting to shut down at this point, but this was a hidden blessing on a mental level as all my walls were gone. I dimly asked Pale Man if I could use the paintbrush. He glanced quickly at my boss for a moment, who nodded his approval and told him not to worry-- I could handle such a responsibility, and knew how to operate such artifacts (I didn't realize until the next day that asking for his brush could have been viewed as criminally out-of-place if I hadn't held such an "honorable position"). So he handed it to me, and immediately I painted the first thing that came to mind... a faucet and handle, tapped directly into my lower abdomen. Truthfully all I could think of was how disturbing it had been seeing Lynne pull out gobs of tar from that area back in February, after having seen Braeden do the same back in SLC. I knew that if there was anything in me that didn't belong, it needed to get out before I could put anything bright back in... and after that hellish experience, I knew for a fact that I was effectively toxic from how much she had infected me with.
I think I vaguely mentioned that I "needed something to drain this into," because I do recall someone manifesting either a vortex or a container of sorts before I turned the handle. I'll tell you what, though... I'm glad I was in such a daze, because I think if I had seen that much tar come pouring out of my stomach sober, I would have had another breakdown. As it was, though, it was a huge relief knowing it was going away. But seriously, there was a LOT. Just... this torrent of black gushed out, and I just waited until it stopped. That was it. Afterwards Pale Man was kind and wise enough to transmute the collected tar into White headspace energy (you can do that if you have it in a neutral state-- it's just energy after all, like everything else, and if it's not currently being used maliciously it's rather simple to return it to pure constructive energy) so that it didn't reinfect anyone. However I now had no idea what to do with this spigot in my stomach, and briefly wondered if Pale Man had magic paint thinner or something before the chandelier-girl walked over to me. The Pale Man said erasing things was her job, as she reached out and delicately touched the contraption. It turned a soft glowing white where she did so, like a candle flame, and then to my astonishment it began to "phase out" into nothingness, becoming transparent and glowy-white in its entirety as it did so, and steadily dissolving like ashes into the air. It was quickly gone, and I thanked both her and the Pale Man for their help.
I know there was more conversation here, but my memory is shot and I was already so dead tired by then that all I recall for sure is Mr. Sandman and Unis (who I think was her normal unicorn self at this point; I think she had a star on her forehead like Amalthea? I'll have to look again) both bringing me back downstairs, promising to watch over me during the night, and expressing their sorrow that such an event had occurred at all.

So that's that. Now for today.

I already summarized this earlier, so let's skip straight to the bit about Julie not liking my wanting to lie about the Tar. First, though, I must give you some context... I didn't drive for most of the way up. Not only was I still a bit of a mess, but I was exhausted from not sleeping well. So, Josephina decided to drive. It was pretty hilarious, but his valley-girl speech pattern prompted me to dizzily ask if Julie talked like that? Julie then spoke up from upstairs (somewhat offended) that no, she didn't, and she didn't like the assumption simply because she used to be blonde/ tan/ etc. There was a bit of arguing here, which somehow ended up with us wondering how Waldorf talked? So she got into the drivers seat, but we were all shocked when she couldn't talk. This worried me-- blue voices becoming mute is a sign of instability in that slot, either with me or them-- but she insisted it was okay via body language. She then left, explaining that it was just because she wasn't skilled at driving yet, and that lack of skill is what caused the voice break. Anyway, it was at this point that Julie insisted on driving, so I let her, but Laurie's immediate question was "why are you so pissed off?" because she had been acting quite negatively lately. To our surprise, Julie exclaimed "am I the only bloody person up here who cares about what happened on Tuesday?!"
The rest of the drive consisted of her essentially pouring her heart out (angrily!) to us, explaining how she refused to pretend that everything was okay here, especially when the "same thing she risked her life to escape was STILL hurting me in the way it had through her." Understandably this was tearing her apart. But yeah, this went on for about 15-20 minutes, until we were almost at the office, and now Laurie and Julie were fighting over driving rights, with Laurie insisting that everyone "chill the heck up" (chill out and shut up) while Julie kept saying that we just didn't understand what she was going through and how important this was. Ultimately Lynne shoved her way in and told everyone to just calm down. This made Julie even more distraught though, and Laurie also questioned her on this, asking "aren't you supposed to balance, not ignore?" Lynne was rather flustered though, and admitted that she was at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. So we all collectively shrugged our shoulders and decided we'd figure it out after the appointment. So I then had about five minutes to try and get back into the body, which was difficult as hell actually, especially with all the lingering energy from everyone else.
Anyway, the appointment came and went, and then it was time to continue with the day's errands. I stopped at my favorite natural food store (as it was right down the road, how great is that) to stock up on soap and toothpaste (as well as kale chips because I needed comfort food dude), but when I reached the checkout, I realized with shock that I had forgotten my pin number, and I only had $10 left in spending money. I apologized profusely, bought only the toothpaste and one package of kale chips (they were out of soap), and left. To my surprise, Genesis showed up, and upon catching a glimpse of my face he asked what was up. Actually, I was on the edge of an inexplicable emotional collapse, triggered by not having my debit card number (and therefore feeling utterly incompetent and helpless), but probably motivated by what I had been through over the past week. I tried to talk to him for a bit in the car, but Julie was getting REALLY mad that I kept pushing that emotional hurt under the rug, and I had to apologize to Genesis, asking him to go upstairs, as Julie decided to drive for most of the way home.
She had a place to go first, though. Context: I had $4 left in Boscovs credit from Christmas, which I obviously wasn't going to use, so Julie asked if she could. I said yes, and she made me promise to follow through on letting her buy whatever she wanted with it, covering the rest of the bill as long as she only got one thing. I agreed, knowing full well what she wanted but deciding she deserved it, and that's where I was left this morning, with my pink headvoice hellbent on going to the mall. I timidly asked why she was so avid on this point, and I will admit I was rather moved when her reply was she "wanted to feel like she belonged somewhere, even if it was just in a shared body." Owning at least one article of clothing that was hers and hers alone would do wonders towards alleviating her lingering existential dread, as it would be a tangible symbol of her existence. To anyone seeing it, and to this body wearing it, it was proof that yes, she was real.
Julie had calmed down somewhat by now, but Lynne gently asked if she could drive again for a little while, to give Julie a break. She agreed, but soon after Lynne began to front, she changed her mind, and said she'd rather give a turn to those who hadn't had one yet today. Nathaniel happened to be next in line, but not only could he barely talk, he claimed he was a little sensitive to light (it was about 9:30 AM at this point), so he politely backed out after about 20 seconds. I actually don't think Leon drove-- he still has a lot of trouble with body dysphoria, which I desperately want to help him with as I care about him dearly and that isn't easy for me to handle either-- but I do remember that Spine did. Having her front is always interesting to watch; she doesn't quite understand having muscles and skin, so her movements are rather pointed and rigid, and her speech pattern is similar. But she's adorable, so as long as she's not having trouble, we don't mind letting her out. I know Julie was getting antsy again (fearing I was going to break my promise) and kept asking to drive again, but once we hit the highway, Laurie decided "to heck with it" and took the wheel. She commented that everyone seriously needed to calm down, rhetorically adding (in a possible reference to Julie earlier) "am I the only one of us who actually looks around when they drive?" Which is true-- everyone else seems to be primarily focused on their own presence in the body, whereas Laurie and I are so comfortable sharing a space already that her focus is on her surroundings instead. So she's the only headvoice who would rather look at the scenery than talk while fronting, which I personally find incredibly endearing, but yeah. Interestingly enough, at one point she paused and then suddenly asked me, looking shocked, "is this what you get all the time?" I asked what she meant, and she clarified that there were "random thoughts and comments" springing into the body's thought processes that weren't hers. She added that they were obviously programmed, before admonishing "I hope you don't identify with that garbage?" I admitted that sometimes I did, if I wasn't paying attention, and she said that I really did need to be careful, because programs are virtually one-way-tickets to Tar City, so to speak. I promised I'd keep that in mind.
We reached the mall a few minutes later, but hilariously enough it didn't open for another 12 minutes or so. Julie was driving again of course-- she was the one going shopping, no one else-- but she actually wasn't bothered by this unexpected wait. Instead, she kicked the seat back in the car, popped in my CD of The Dear Hunter's Color Spectrum album, and skipped straight to the White tracks. And for the next 12 minutes, that is all that she did... she just closed her eyes and listened to it, smiling. Honestly I couldn't help but smile too, watching her. It was a moment I had never expected to see... there she was, Julie, inhabiting the body that everyone downstairs assumed was mine, and owning it. Hell, she drives it better than I do! But that's kind of the point. Julie, a headvoice that at one time had no hope for a normal, happy life, was having just that. In that moment, to me, it was as if she had never been anything but who she was right then... a normal girl in a normal body.
I'll tell you what, I'm really glad I had that moment, because then she walked into the mall, and headed straight for the lingerie section.
It was adorably hilarious. She wanted to look at and/or try on everything, while I was pacing back and forth upstairs, still stupidly feeling responsible for the body's "persona" and feeling rather guilty that Julie's energy did not match it. She didn't care, though-- as long as there are no mirrors around Julie typically doesn't-- and kept browsing through lady things like it was perfectly natural. And yes, it was for her, but I've never been in a lingerie section in my life, so you get the picture. To make a long story short, she picked out three brassieres that wouldn't overshoot our budget and practically danced over to the fitting room (all three were pink and/or black, obviously). Imagine her excitement when one fit perfectly-- and to top it all off, it was a hot pink one with flowery lace and glitter. I couldn't say no if I wanted to, it was too freaking perfect. So I threw my hands up in the air, laughed, and sent her over to a cashier. The transaction went down without a hitch (no questions were asked at the discrepancy between Julie's girly-pink bra purchase and the body's uber-butch appearance, thank God), but I swear to you, we had barely left the parking garage when she suddenly exclaimed: "why didn't I buy matching panties??"
The uproar that resulted from THAT was the funniest thing I have experienced in a LONG time. First she tried to go back to Boscovs, but I told her it would have been way too embarrassing as we had just left. So she asked to stop at the local K-Mart as they did sell some there (she'd eyed them before), and I acquiesced. Now I admittedly do not remember the drive from that point until we reached the place, but upon checking out the wares and ultimately leaving (no money left in the wallet for those prices), Laurie decided she had had it. As I settled back into the body (I desperately needed to relax) and watched amusedly, Laurie began wondering aloud why in the world we had just spent the past hour talking about underwear, of all things, especially considering the strangeness of our system. It struck her as bizarrely incongruous, but Julie was unfazed, and said that she wanted some, so she got some, end of story. Since everyone was now in Central she was chilling out with Lynne, and at that point Laurie incredulously asked Julie, "but you're the only one who even worries about that, right?" nonverbally referring to Lynne not having literal biology either (Julie does). Cue the best moment of this entire day, as despite this, Lynne simply smiled and pulled up her dress to reveal the fanciest Burlesque undergarments imaginable. Laurie's expression was priceless, as was Julie's squeal of delight, but THEN Josephina wandered over and answered Laurie's desperate "not you too??" with "I only wear lolita undergarments." Julie snarkily asked if that meant he wore bloomers, to which he blushed profusely and told her that he couldn't wear those with scene pants, was she insane? Lynne giggled and asked Laurie why she was so flustered about this, and Julie joined in with a grinning "yeah, don't you wear any?" Laurie exasperatedly replied "I wear pants!! I don't have anything to wear underwear for!" She asked Lynne the same thing, but she simply shrugged and said she liked wearing it anyway. Cue my favorite moment, as Laurie sighed loudly, threw her hands in the air and exhaustedly declared: "women!" I couldn't help but laugh as I corrected her, simply saying "feminine people" (Because Jo identifies as a guy but he's still over there talking about panties, so). Laurie nodded sagely and answered, "you're right, and thank you for correcting me, because my brain isn't working very well right now." Unfortunately for her, this only got worse as then the rest of Central wandered in. Wally was trying to decide what kind she would wear, which was funny enough because she doesn't wear clothing at all, but then someone asked Nat and Leon what they wore and I swear Leon turned bright red. Right about then Laurie said "that's it, I give up, I'm outta here," and left the room, adding that if any individuals wanted to do "masculine stuff" then they were welcome to join her. She then asked me if I had any music on hand that she could jam out to, as she really needed to clear her head (she looked seriously exhausted, which was amusing in context), so I said I'd look. Thankfully I had brought Razia (my iPod who is back from the dead, whoa) and put him on shuffle, which worked well enough. So Laurie, Leon, and Nat were rocking out for a while, and Chaos and Genesis got wind of this rather quickly so they joined in. The grand finale came right as we were almost home, though-- the Oliver remix of Hot Mess came up (a classic for us up here), and immediately Laurie went "dude, yes, keep this on!!" and to my surprise, brought everyone back to Central. She motioned for Waldorf to do the vocoder voice (she enthusiastically agreed), while she and Chaos waited eagerly for the 1:00 mark... and with that perfectly summed-up reaction to the day's events, stuff got awesome.
The next four minutes were a straight-up headspace dance party. It was brilliant.
What can I say, Laurie's the best at that sort of thing!

On a similarly positive note, I discovered this song today and I CANNOT STOP LISTENING TO IT.


Geez but it is late. If you couldn't tell, this entry took quite a long time to write, so I'll close up with a few notes for the next one (which needs to happen soon).
In light of the system losing it's Chartreuse slot holder what with Celebi being corrupted, we're reviewing everyone's colors again. Vermilion is still empty, and now Spine is throwing a monkey wrench in since, if she holds Brown and isn't an outspacer (a fact I actually am NOT sure of??), then it would mean Brown is a core color, and we would have to re-graph the system layout. In any case it's complicated... especially since the biggest concern is actually my color.
Everyone seems to agree that I belong in the White slot, but when I asked boss about whether or not I should move there immediately, he shook his head... I asked him why.
He said that I couldn't ascend to that slot until I solved the troubles that surrounded my current one.
Makes perfect sense to me.

I think that's a perfect observation to close this on, though, because if I kept talking about all the color stuff I've been figuring out lately I'd be on here for another three hours.
Have a good night, everyone. I promise I'll be careful.





You're a hot mess
You act like you got nothing to lose
But I've already lost my temper

I put my loving on the line for you, lady
But my spirits were low
I would have committed a crime for you, baby
Yeah, it got out of control

I know my temper's been kinda crazy
I need somebody
What?
I need someone
Your love is real but I just feel suffocated
I feel so lonely
What?
I feel so numb

I thought we had this conversation already
Do you really want to go through this all over again?

 



 

 

not so bad

Nov. 24th, 2012 10:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

So, uh, Tar decided to talk to me this morning.
Needless to say, I was thoroughly surprised when I showed up beneath the Cathedral and, instead of seeing a humanoid figure there, the Tar itself was unmistakably its own sentient self. Tar is strikingly monstrous in both size and form, somewhat spindly (lots of thick tendrils stuck to the walls and ceiling), and mostly shapeless... kind of like what Weiss' magic looks like in Nier... maybe close to this, but without the nose and mouth? It's hard to describe. Anyway, it's never looked like its own thing before, so that was immediately significant. Also noteworthy was the fact that I didn't feel threatened by it. That has NEVER happened before. When I first met it on 111211, the entire room felt anxiously ominous, like the calm before a hurricane. This time everything just felt like the world was on "pause"... unsettling, sure, but nothing tangibly threatening.
The Tar also spoke this time. I didn't remember how, back in 2011, it didn't even move and it spoke only in thought-feeling. Today, it's "voice" wasn't so much a bone-jarring terror than it was an actual sound, and it did move... mostly just weird tar-flow as usual, but it changed the angle of its head (like a skinny balrog? all tar though, two burning red holes for eyes) a little as it spoke, which was enough "body language" for the conversation to feel quite legitimate, actually.
I was not surprised, though, when I asked it about its motives again and got the same answer I did a year ago. However I had more insight this time so I was able to converse with it more, and get some solid answers and intriguing realizations. I wish I remembered the exact dialogue, but basically it told me these things:
- Tar exists as the Black slot in our system, BUT it pointed out that it lives in a white room, under my Cathedral. It said that it NEEDED that offset to exist, and that I was the same.
- On that note, Tar said that I AM the White slot in the system (as I was theorizing), although it didn't elaborate how (I DO hold Red but I still can't tell what my core color is, let alone whether it's possible to have two). I definitely need to find that out on my own, but hearing it basically confirm that has helped me get better footing on the issue.
- Tar also told me that it "couldn't make anyone do anything," but that by its nature it was constantly putting out tendrils to test others, to "put duality into practice" so to speak (bright lights=dark shadows and all that). It said that it was explicitly an "evil thing," but SINCE that was so clearly stated, it was the truth equivalent of a warning label: "This is exactly what this entity will do to you if you approach/ provoke/ engage/ disturb it. Continue on at your own risk." Once again, I had been told this last November but it was clearer this time. It was fighting me, true, but unless I responded to it, it couldn't harm me. The trouble is that Tar works on some seriously subconscious levels so unless I am seriously awake, I might not even notice I'm letting it slip through security, as it were. That's what happened yesterday, but we'll get to that.
- Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter?? Like Razor and Jessica are mine? I found this very interesting, and it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously. Mine were the latter, but the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious: as far as I can gather, Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy? Like if I'm Red but "internalized" White, then Tar "externalized" a balance to my Red as her? It's hard to explain in words but it makes perfect sense in my head; however that whole issue is something I need to visually graph before I can fully comprehend it so don't quote me on that theory yet. The BIG thing that I AM almost entirely sure of is that Jezebel has only become an autonomous splinter recently. I'll do more research and get back to you on the details.
Those were the big points from our talk. I'm just trying to siphon truth from all that; I need to take it with a grain of salt. Like Captain Jack Sparrow said: you can always trust a dishonest person to be dishonest. I'm the honest dude that often ends up doing something stupid, haha. On that note I did tell Tar that I didn't know if I could trust it, especially considering what it was, and it simply replied that I should keep that (its role) in mind. That's a double-edged sword though... as my offset, it's going to try and win this war, but it also has to play by the rules concerning that or it will negate its own existence. There's a surprising amount of mandatory sincerity in these matters concerning that, on all our parts within this entire system, even from back in the Julie days. Lies of omission are what I REALLY need to look out for.
Anyway I remember ending the conversation with a somewhat incredulous laugh and saying "you're not half bad" in light of who I was speaking to. I ended up laughing again when it replied by telling me that, despite being its "mortal enemy" as far as cold hard rules are concerned, "you're not so bad yourself."
It's kind of hilarious to me how my relationship with the Tar itself feels more like a friendly rivalry than anything now, despite its intensity. We know our roles, and we are dedicated to carrying them out, but beyond the battlefield that those roles play out on we seem to have this weird sort of mutual respect for each other? It reminds me of how in Bleach, when Uryū and Ichigo met, they had to work towards a common goal using vastly different methods and mindsets, and told each other "not to die" during that catastrophe because otherwise they wouldn't be able to beat the snot out of each other afterwards, haha.
I like that, to be honest. I really do like that there seems to be a sincere sort of love permeating everything upstairs, and its leaking underground now. I need to remember that too.

That brings us to yesterday's events, which are what pushed me to make such an unusual decision this morning.
Yesterday, as soon as I woke up I decided I wasn't going to get up, so I spent the next 90 minutes or so with Chaos instead. We haven't done that in far too long and it was worth every second (we've still got the infinity loop heartlink going on btw ♥). Unfortunately that seemed to put some major fuel on the fire of dying duality up here (it does not want to die and keeps fighting back viciously), so the rest of the day was a very disorienting fusion of my personal clarity and a barrage of shadow influences. The morning was gorgeous, don't get me wrong-- I finally started reading the Millennium World plotline in the YuGiOh manga and ran headfirst into a goldmine of headspace-relevant information (which I REALLY need to write about here soon), and I actually didn't feel sick for the first time in weeks, but as the day went on I began to feel progressively more and more "ungrounded." I can't remember 80% of the day because of it; I was so spacey that I thought I was going to pass out a few times, simply because it didn't feel like my consciousness could stay anchored well enough. As that sentence might betray, this led to some serious problems later in the evening... let's just say that I was trying to help two individuals out of some current troubles, and none of us could think or see straight enough to realize that we were being entirely misled in our actions and thoughts until it was almost too late. I can't say I regret the experience, because although it leaves me sick to my stomach that may be residual and honestly I'm just glad that made me aware that such a thing can and is happening, most mercilessly in situations where I am not actively projecting awareness of myself. This is forcing my hand as far as personal authenticity is concerned; I need to go all-out in holding fast to my truth, or there will be dire consequences. I am aware of this, and have been for a long time, but the stakes were just raised ludicrously high and there isn't a second to spare anymore. Excuses and hesitations have lost all merit. This really is the last run, but we've worked hard enough up to this point to have sufficient strength to succeed. I just need to remember that, and act upon it, always.
So this morning I woke up wanting answers, and the tar heard, and that's why I'm updating today.
However a few things happened this afternoon that deserve a mention too, so let's get to them.

While on iTunes today, "What Time Taught Us (Indigo)" by The Dear Hunter came on and immediately I realized that it applied to Leon's life shockingly well. Curious, I then brought up the rest of The Color Spectrum and started looking at all the lyrics, searching for more headspace symbolism... and I am dead serious when I say that album was practically MADE for our system. There are only two songs on the album I'm having a hard time finding fits for, but only in the context of their color: there are 4 songs for each color, which fits the formula of "three for that headvoice" and "one for the midspacer." For example, with the Indigo songs, three of them fit Leon and one of them fits Marik. It's fascinating. It really does match up...
I want to illustrate this entire album now. "Look Away (Violet)" fits Laurie so well I seriously started to cry when I heard it. Synchronicity with her usually does that.
However, synchronicity floods my life, so when I moved down the Spectrum and hit Red (my color), I was honestly shocked to find that three songs corresponded to each one of my old splinters, and the Black songs all matched catastrophic events in my past perfectly. It was kind of terrifying to read the lyrics, haha! Sounds like they were taken straight out of my old journals, no kidding. But reading all that made me wonder about those old dark things, as I hadn't given them any thought since I gained this new knowledge about our system... so I started leafing through our Xanga archives a little. Now there's SO much info here I am not going to get through all of it tonight, but let me summarize what I've realized so far...
The "ego" splinter is Tar/Jezebel (according to current knowledge; I'll elaborate on that mess another day). Thanatos IS Razor, although the causal relationship there is blurry. Fragment, however, is the remnant of Jessica. Yeah, remember her? But that's not even the biggest thing: the reason she became Fragment is because-- according to my current system spectrum theory, which I mentioned briefly on the 13th-- when my teenage years jumpstarted the "energy mismatch overload" in my Red slot, it tore the Brown slot in HALF. This resulted in Jessica's essence being ripped out of that slot and pushed down one, straight into Black, while the remaining "skeleton" in the slot became (you guessed it) Spine. That explains why we all thought she was evil for so long. It also explains why Jessica came back in a different slot once headspace solidified, and why, after that self-hating incarnation died, all that was left of her was an apathetic splinter that liked to tear things apart. This is what I meant by saying that Jessica was "still alive" on the 13th; her "essence" is still in the Black as far as I am aware, but dormant, as it's just energy now. She's no longer a splinter, but her essence can be forced back up into the Red to cause a temporary relapse if we're not careful. However I think that's all 'automatic' at this point, in the same way that if you pour too much water into a glass it overflows. Once again I will double-check this. There's a ton of info and I need to keep reading up on it... I love how I always learn new stuff about our system from old things.
OH also I figured out what's up with unstable headvoices having mismatched colors, I think! That was driving me bonkers for a while and I JUST remembered how Josephina called himself an "anti-id" when we first met him, in the most literal sense possible: we couldn't tell if his color was Yellow or Lilac because we didn't have the knowledge to make such an assessment. I do now, and it hinges on the fact that Lilac isn't a headvoice slot, but Pink IS. And who was supposed to hold Pink? Julie. However she was corrupted out of her freaking mind for years, so when Josephina came into existence as her "offset," his eyes were PINK just in case HE had to stabilize into that slot. Dead serious, his eyes didn't turn yellow until Julie started to stabilize into her true slot, and both of those events only started to happen about two weeks ago. But that gives me a lot to think about.

All right, I was going to type more (mostly about awesome things concerning the central gang, and Chaos as I love him so much right now) but it is already 2AM and I still have about sixteen tabs open in this window alone... I try to do way too much at once, I swear, it's why I always feel so overwhelmed. Ah well, I enjoy it so I can't complain. The other things I wanted to talk about today are all too brilliant to summarize anyway; they all deserve a great deal of typing and attention in their own right.
As a result I'm off to get some much-needed sleep (which is weird as I'm not even tired, but sleep feels like something I need, especially at this hour) and maybe chill with some of the gang upstairs; after yesterday that might be sorely needed. Plus Thanksgiving brought out so much love in me it was brilliant; I can barely believe how amazing our system is right now. Everyone is alive, everyone is stable, everyone is friends with everyone else... it makes me so ridiculously happy I could cry, dead serious. It's the sort of overwhelming joy that you can't possibly keep inside. I am so thankful for this, for all of us.

With that I bid you all a good night.



grace

Nov. 22nd, 2012 11:45 am
prismaticbleed: (held)


Okay, uh, stuff that has been happening lately... let's see.
I'm going to completely skip the formalities and just rant, so I apologize if I end up drowning you invisible readers in jargon but I need to start writing stuff down again without worrying about being "politically correct," so to speak. This was never meant to be tailored to the public eye anyway, and at this point in my life I couldn't care less who's reading this, haha. I'm going to be honest and that's it, let's go.

All right. First off, Jezebel is PISSED. Not only is she trying to splinter me again (not gonna work this time!), but she's trying to kill Waldorf, which is actually proving to be a disturbingly delicate situation as Wally's our Blue voice and, well... that's never been a very stable slot. I'm trying to be vigilant but it's difficult when it feels like my entire physical body is at the boiling point 24/7. Yeah, the 'starvation' feeling has been going on-and-off lately, but when it's 'off' it's replaced by my feeling like I'm either hollow and dead, or ready to explode violently. However! The darkest shadows are cast by the brightest lights, and I've found that I've become shockingly adept at "switch-flipping" lately: i.e. going from one state to another in a matter of milliseconds, in completion.
For example: this morning. Unfortunately, I woke up insanely thirsty as usual (seriously I cannot get enough water) and ended up eating some foods that I forgot make me sick. Long story short, for some reason that triggered an abusive breakdown, which I was able to stop on a dime about 20 minutes in, immediately after I resolutely brought my own energy signature into body focus. It was kind of surreal, because after that I was even able to talk to my own grandmother! That rarely happens, it was awesome. Usually my voice dysphoria throws me out of conscious awareness but I just kept projecting my self-field, and that helped a TON. So I need to remember to do that now, even if it is an effort... the girls underground don't like when I do that, to say the least.

Secondly, Laurie FORCED a channel on the 17th specifically to yell at my mother. It started because I had a rough night... dysphoria and moral/existential avalanches on top of each other... and made the mistake of talking about it while my mom was home. Now my mother always thinks I want a solid, "fix-all-the-problems" answer from her, when I don't; I just want to talk it over with her, even if we don't get anywhere. Sometimes all I need to do is know someone understands what I'm talking about and can offer a perspective other than what the girls underground are throwing at me. However my mother gets upset very easily, and seeing her kids upset does that pretty quickly... I guess it reminds her of her own worries and troubles, and they all hit her hard enough to drive her over the edge. So she started screaming at me-- in a generalized sense of course, but screaming is screaming and I have a hard time emotionally dealing with angry people. This escalated quickly when my grandmother got involved (I forget how; my mind was a mess at that point), and soon there was a major fight going on in the hallway. Now I was not stable at all, and apparently, Laurie was not happy with that at all. The breaking point was when my mom and my grandmother ended up duking it out in front of my room and I shoved myself between them to keep things from getting violent, trying to push them apart (and sobbing at this point), when all of a sudden there was this huge energy shift and suddenly Laurie was driving. She pushed the two women apart, said "that is ENOUGH," and then basically told my mom to "get the heck out of this house if you're only going to scream at him, because I will not deal with this nonsense." I am DEAD SERIOUS. My mom gave her a rather poisonous look and said "who the hell are you talking to?" which I explicitly remember because apparently that energy shift was so sudden Laurie couldn't keep it stable, and right after she finished shouting I snapped back in like a slingshot. Well! Unfortunately Laurie's energy hits like a TRUCK so I immediately started shaking uncontrollably and trying not to throw up, which forced me to turn around, stumble into my room, tangle my arms around my head and start repeating "ouch" while asking Laurie why in the world she just pulled such a stunt so recklessly. I can't really complain though; it was shocking and confusing enough to break my mom's train of thought, so she stopped screaming and the fight dissolved about two minutes later. Superego powers ftw!
The best part happened about twenty minutes later though... as my mom was leaving for the night I went out to try and apologize for starting that whole mess, which was tough as I was still so shaken up I could barely speak... but at the end of it, when my mom was just about to walk out the door, Laurie flat-out demanded I apologize on her behalf ("common courtesy," she said), because she was sorry that had to go down so dramatically. Well, the apology was delivered, but I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing and I think we only succeeded in confusing my mother even further, haha.
So that was Saturday night. It was significant not only because of Laurie's sudden channel-slam, but also because of the absolute wreck I was... well, "I" is the wrong word, especially in light of the first paragraph.

That brings us to point number three, and the one I really want to talk about.
You're probably wondering who Jezebel is.
I'd love to answer that question.
Seriously, she is an enigma of the worst sort, and I need to do a LOT more research before I can say anything for sure, but... hm. How can I summarize this. You know how I splintered back in 2011? Well, Jezebel is a much, much older entity of a similar sort? Basically she was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts. Anyway she's apparently personified as of late, heaven knows why or how, but her manifestation seems to be incredibly unstable so she can't actually come after me like Julie does. The important bit is that she is now self-aware, whether or not she has a solid form to move around in. I hope we can stop her or transmute her back into non-charged energy before that happens.
All I know is that the Tar is up to something, because Jezebel reeks of it even more than Razor does (which is saying something). Speaking of I have no idea what Razor's current state is either, but I'm very concerned because there have been a huge resurgence of abusive tendencies lately that I am just barely fighting off. It's been difficult, but at least it's a springboard for learning and seeing more deeply into its source.
...Okay I am reading the original Blood Lotus Cathedral entry in light of this and suddenly SO much of it makes symbolic sense I'm actually in tears, which is weird but DUDE this is heavy stuff! I'm sorry, I'm going to put this to the side until I get an entire freaking day to review it, because whoa. Not today though, today is Thanksgiving and I want to focus on gratitude and family instead of things that tried to tear that apart in the past, thank you.

Speaking of, Leon channeled for about two minutes today because he insisted on trying food for once (ended up being the homemade pumpkin pie because my bro said it was the best ever), and he was so adorably excited over being able to experience something like that in the physical, it was great. I was trying to keep the girls away from him but a few tiny dysphoria spikes did get through, thankfully not bad enough to give him a breakdown like I get. But yeah, Leon approves of the pumpkin pie this year, I'm cracking up over that personally.
Still, food is a huge gamble, so fittingly enough indigo-boy is now helping me out with discernment concerning it (because the girls are really freaking loud and I can't tell what's up or down most days). Spine helps too when she can-- she's tied to the body so she feels it instead of seeing, so unfortunately that may not kick in until it's too late for us all-- but it's nice to have Leon explicitly active now, instead of just hovering around upstairs. He's got shockingly good insight, when he calms down enough. Apparently his anxiety and nerves are a result of him seeing too much... back when he first resurrected, he was surrounded by threats to his life and was exposed to a ton of traumatic general headspace situations. That alone made him aware of more than he could handle at once, but something tells me he has an innate sensitivity to energy that he buried even deeper because of that? Because today, I asked him if HE could help me with staying conscious instead of me relying on whatever bodiless voices have been talking to me for months, and geez, he REALLY helps. He also seemed a lot calmer, although he kept clearing his throat and nervously moving his hands while he spoke ("I'm not used to being so confident yet," he said), so I asked him what was up that caused such an improvement. Well... last night I was having existential terrors again, and I started morbidly wondering about how we would have all turned out if we went the wrong way, so to speak... if we all fell victim to the tar. Since appearance shifts are big in headspace, I started brainstorming what our "extremes" would be on either side of our colors, and how strict adherence to such would warp our countenances. Leon ended up with eyes everywhere but in his eye sockets, let's just say. But that train of thought apparently stuck with him, and he told me that he immediately began working harder to "move in the right direction" concerning his color and aspect. So this morning he was really able to stabilize, which I am honestly very excited about. I'm glad to see him doing so well.
But about that, and how it ties into the food thing... according to Leon's now increased vision, that's apparently a HUGE warzone for the girls underground. It's also why Spine, Julie and I get the most fallout from it-- our slots are the closest to the Tar. Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat. I'm sure you oldbies are all very much aware how serious that issue has been for us over the years, so being able to see the cause-and-effect bits of it after so long is a huge help. I mean, we all knew that Tar-Julie used food to attack Spine when she couldn't reach me, but the implications of that went right over our heads. When tar starts to grow, it hits the Brown slot first... Spine's slot. If it gets severe, then it hits me, and that's when I get splinter flashbacks or hacks (now that there isn't an autonomous entity attacking me). However, as I mentioned on the 13th, there's a "midslot" between Brown and Red which is where Razor lives, and THAT'S probably why I get such crippling abusive meltdowns whenever there's a food-related reaction in the system, whether or not we actually ate much at all. I need to look into that too. So many old things are coming to light, it's rather overwhelming and I'm not sure how to juggle all this new info comprehensively-- I don't have time to fully integrate one day's revelations before I get hit by another tidal wave of them! I don't mind, as this is incredible, but... I swear, time really is speeding up and condensing, I feel like I've lived several lifetimes since our "session scratch" on 111111 last year. I should talk to Celebi about that, see what she has to say...

On that note. December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December, at least upstairs (Lynne, Leon AND Nat (twice) all resurrected in December). This is usually a VERY good thing, but of course now that we're having major downstairs troubles I need to be extra careful. We've got a major advantage though-- it SNOWS in December. Since my core resonance seems to have fused with White, snow makes it a lot easier for me to stay conscious. Snow also feels emotionally serene, which helps us all balance, and both Genesis and Xenophon adore the stuff... needless to say I am also stupidly excited about its impending arrival, haha.
Oh, dude, speaking of. My family's going to start putting up the Christmas Tree within the next few days-- and I just capitalized that, didn't I. That's Dream World rubbing off on me again! Anyway I'm definitely going to get Xennie to help me put decorations up again, as she loved that last year, and the Tree itself just gives off the best feeling, it's so great. I have no idea what color it's going to be in the lovely year of 2012 but I am crossing my fingers that it'll be another synchronistic scheme, which it has been for about four years straight now. We shall see!

Speaking of Dream World though... I will admit I am catastrophically anxious right now? I shipped out my artwork and writing from Utah at the end of October and it still hasn't arrived in the mail. That's actually been triggering some nasty personal crises concerning "what is my purpose in this lifetime" in a relevant sense, and questioning whether or not I even should be pursuing my creativity because things just keep getting in the way of my doing so. Of course Laurie's reply to that is "that's nonsense," because my creative work IS important, but geez... that's all my work from my childhood on up, in that missing box. I'm quietly freaking out, understandably. I'm also fiercely praying that it simply got sent back to Mel and Q, but they are both virtually impossible to contact and as usual I don't know if contacting Mel would be smart right now? Either way this is important enough to risk it. I'm seriously going to need to message them soon, or even call them. Yeah, it's serious when Jewel considers using a phone, haha. In any case I seriously hope this all turns out for the best, whatever that may be...


I'm sorry, I am exhausted and we did have a major meltdown this morning so I should really get some rest for everyone's sake (it is much later than 11:45 in the morning; do not trust timestamps on large entries).
I shall leave you with this song, which is both amazing and relevant, and call it a day.



preamble

Nov. 13th, 2012 10:48 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

 

Guys I'm sorry this is such a short update but I am just so sparkly-happy right now.

True, today's been a bit rough-- heck the past few days have been a bit rough-- but it's all for a very good reason so I'm going to keep on truckin' because it is entirely worth dealing with.
As for the roughness... well. You know that "mind=blown" update I posted about four days ago? Apparently, coming to that huge of a realization about our headspace opened up a LOT of doors... both up and down the hall, so to speak. Let's take it one person at a time.

First, Nathaniel finally decided to step up to the plate with his new color's responsibilities. Quick recap: his old function as the "blue" headvoice (when he was still female) was unstable; he couldn't communicate, and was manifested almost exclusively through a reflection, which had happened almost purely by accident and wasn't very strong. Nat didn't start forming an identity of his own until just minutes before I had to "re-absorb" his energy in April of 2008, an act which effectively killed him temporarily. Yes, both he and Lynne managed to reform in early 2009, but his existence was so unstable that he looked chronically sad and a tad sick. Then Julie straight-up murdered him, and when his energy managed to scrape itself back together, his form had "reset" to that of a mute child. But he was still unstable, and a few months later, he had literally deteriorated out of existence (His dog, Vincent, was also a "fragment" of him that formed due to his incompletion during his reset. Vincent never fully stabilized either, returning to Nat's own energy between '09 and now). Anyway, you all know that thanks to some psychological shenanigans on my part, upstairs energy finally became receptive enough for him to resurrect in 2011... except this time, Nat was a dude, and he was green. That was a surprise to all of us, but we just rolled with it. Problem was he never seemed to really "settle in" to the new position, and no one had any clue what his role was supposed to be. Well... I think we figured it out, on Friday. The short version? Look at a chakra chart. I'll elaborate on that tomorrow when I don't need sleep. (I think his appearance totally warped as well; he looks kind of moth-esque now which is boss but I'm curious as to the energetic cause of it so I'll get back to you on that too.)

Second, we discovered where Spine and Julie's "slots" are in the spectrum: I'm still trying to refine my hospital-induced sketch to more closely reflect the Kabbalah info I'm slowly accumulating (because it does fit), but in the original spectrum-centered diagram they were "beneath" the main seven colors? Without a visual it's complicated to explain, but Spine is beneath RED and Julie is beneath VIOLET. Apparently my behavior as a child screwed up the whole system but that was supposed to happen anyway, so... it's complicated but incredible. On that note there was apparently a "forced energy flip" due to overload in my and Julie's colors, which externalized to form the midpoints between Red/Brown and Violet/Pink... Xenophon is on the White side, and guess who's on the Black side? Razor. Dead serious! Also I keep thinking her name was supposed to be "Molly?" That stuck out in a dream I had about two months back as "belonging" to a headvoice I "didn't have" so I don't know. I'll look into it. Anyway little me really threw a monkey wrench in the system as it was forming so everything related to Red is completely anomalous, and I still don't have a full grip on it. Apparently a few people were shoved out of their "intended" places and the entire sub-spectrum was forced into existence when I decided to create Julie because of energy misplacement... long story! Once again I'll explain that tomorrow.
BUT! The big event concerning the mess with Spine's slot and color mismatching is that I think Spine looks like she does because someone else originally held the Brown slot, and their "essence" was stripped leaving HER as a skeleton, and forcing the "rejected" energy straight down into the Black or something? I have no idea, I'm trying to figure it out... but yeah apparently that "rejected individual" never really died, so to speak, and the implications of that (keeping in mind the color shenanigans) are pretty disturbing, but they make SO much sense.
That's where the current roughness is from though. Let's just say she's not too happy with how much has changed as of late.

Third, the reason why I am inwardly giggling like a freaking Care Bear:
WALDORF IS BACK.
Guys you have no idea how much I missed her, oh man, I didn't know if she was dead or just buried but DUDE I am so happy to see her again. She was my literary muse during 2002 but she never stuck around because I don't think she had enough energy to fully stabilize? But here she is! And do you know what that means? OUR SPECTRUM IS COMPLETE!! Seriously she fits perfectly into the Blue slot Nathaniel just left (Leon is actually INDIGO which is huge and I don't know how I never saw it earlier but we'll get to that too), which is the slot that deals with communication, and if anyone is a natural-born expert at that it's her! So I'm psyched, and I'm already making mad progress in typing, haha. Dude this is great.
Also apparently her hair lights up?? I always thought they were scaly-dreads like Kerrigan's but no, they're actually translucent tubes of the same shape and they glow blue, it is the coolest thing!!
I'll have to see if her eyes change color or not; they're still red at the moment... and still terrifyingly gorgeous as usual!
...
fffffffffffff WALLY I MISSED THE HECK OUT OF YOU WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ♥ *continues fanboying*

Lastly, and most briefly... in light of all of those events, I've come to a more complete realization of who I am, and why my dysphoria's been spiking lately in response. It's somewhat scary but incredibly inspiring and it just gives me so much hope. If I can stabilize... I know, without a doubt, that everything will fall together. Consider that my spirit quest for this new moon! I'm sincerely dedicated to this, for my sake, for everyone's sake.

Oh, one last tiny thing for my own consideration... if Lynne's in the Orange slot, Spine's in the Brown, and I'm in the Red (as there was confusion there for a few months), does Dagger fit the long-empty Red/Orange midpoint slot even if it's not his "typical" color? Because all the other mids seem to be bending the rules a little, and seriously if he fits our system then GET BUSY with that mad potential the dude's buzzing with; I swear if he doesn't end up with a symbol and soulwings before the month is out I will be sorely disappointed in you, haha. I mean come on, he even fits the "ambiguously gay swordsman" in-joke everyone in our coregroup matches already. The kid's a shoe-in.
HOWEVER I am completely unsure on the lower-spectrum individual placements, as I have been for years, which is a significant fact in and of itself. Lynne keeps sticking to Red, at least in her general appearance, BUT she's always had either a Pink or Orange tint to it?? That NEEDS to be looked into, now that I've realized it... on the same note, Spine felt surprisingly Orange in the past BUT she can't hold color because of her skeletal structure, obviously. If my theory concerning her "stripped energy" creation is correct I don't know if she's even SUPPOSED to hold color.
Plus, thinking back to how I only started to feel genuinely "like me" AFTER the "Jayce" phenomenon in 2010 started, and that didn't solidify until my title switch in January... let's just say I have a LOT to think about concerning that.

Also I surprised Xenophon today by making kale soup entirely without warning and she was so excited it was adorable (she loves that stuff). God I love her so much, I really do... last night I honestly just went into her room for a few minutes to watch her sleep because the fact that she exists is just... it's incredible. I am so honored to have played a part in bringing her here. I am so honored to be her father.
I know I can live up to that role. I will.


So yes. Life's been awesome even if I do feel somewhat sick right now due to either stress or food or both. Ah well. Can't complain!

Now I seriously need sleep so you guys can look forward to tomorrow's major headspace update until then.

 



 

 

 

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