the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

5 hours of sleep buddy!!

Feeling oddly moved to ask for Saint Albert's intercession. Unexpected fondness towards him. Perhaps we really do need his particular help. Never ignore such loving nudges.

Homily tied both reading & Gospel together= Everything we have is a gift from God, so SAY THANK YOU!! Seriously, we should go through life with a consistent attitude of gratitude-- I'd even say we're OBLIGATED to, by Justice! But cultivating gratitude is also a means of mercy: to be ungrateful is a truly deadly sin, one that deforms & hardens the heart. But it's so easy to combat. We just need to become like children, so freely & readily thanking God for everything from bumblebees to particle physics, and so willing to trust His Goodness as a Father even when life gets scary and incomprehensible to us... but not to Him.
Gratitude keeps our sights set on eternity. Gratitude keeps us aware of Divine Purpose in even the most humdrum moments of our day. Gratitude crushes despair underfoot. It's a powerful weapon of grace. Use it!

Praying the Glorious Mysteries felt notably transcendent today.
I honestly think it's credit entirely to the Flame of Love. I've only been saying those prayers for three days, but I've known of it for YEARS, and it was only on Sunday when my heart was finally able & willing to say yes. "Yes, I am embracing this at last. Bring me into this Flame." And believe me I can FEEL a difference already. It's small but massive. Lord keep me committed, keep me consecrated!! This is no "test run"; nothing about religion is EVER done so casually! It's secular modernism that blithely "experiments" and "tries things out," with no sense of loyalty or purpose or direction. They are blind explorers, unable to see what they're missing because they don't have the eyes of faith TO see it. Because faith sees TRUTH, and she plants her flag, and she settles down. She she puts down her roots, pours her foundations, builds her home, and rejoices in the land... and THEN she "goes out exploring" to INVITE OTHERS TO IMMIGRATE. It's an entirely different mindset. But I digress.
I recognized, thanks to the Holy Spirit speaking to me through Mark Mallett, that the Flame of Love movement IS TRUE. It is genuinely of God, and entirely for His Glory. It is a GIFT of IMMENSE GRACE given to our time SPECIFICALLY, to directly counteract the terrorism of Satan and to transform the Church through a New Pentecost of Divine Charity. I know so little about the details yet, but I know the basics, and I am actively learning more, as the Spirit leads me. I read them seriously & earnestly, and I ask the Holy Spirit for guidance & an open heart, and I ask Mary Our Mother for her help & humility, and I don't chicken out or back down. I can't. To do so now, having seen, would be a grave sin.
But obedience is its own consolation & confirmation. There is s very real, particular, quiet joy that comes from cooperation with God's Word, despite all human doubt & confusion & hesitancy. The Rosary feels deeper & brighter than ever now. I take no credit whatsoever. This is Mary kindling that Flame in my heart at last.

We're getting better at saying the Seven Sorrows Chaplet too. We're saying it as a System, as well as we can-- we have different emotions & perspectives, so we're able to understand different Sorrows that others can't.

...

Razwell needs to have his function SUBLIMATED!!
He needs to REROUTE offensive jokes to HONOR GOD.

Missy & Bridget ALSO need sublimation if they're still embodied.
⭐OH DUDE WAIT UP, IF CENTRAL IS "THE ELDERS" IS THAT WHY GREEN & BLUE ARE STUCK EMPTY???? DO THEY FIT THERE???
⭐Also, WALDORF. She's a "MUSE," not a "headvoice", in the ancient jargon. Her Spectrum role MUST BE CLARIFIED.
⭐LOOK FOR YELLOWS.

...

Evening =
ARE discussion; ADMITTED our "bitterness" over how poorly we experienced Confirmation
Scrupulosity mention, specifically CALLED ME OUT
"Fear of God" big debate. I prayed about it & was moved to speak at the end.

DAD VISIT!!!!! ❤❤❤

Went straight to bed son

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Universalis bits=

""For power is a gift to you from the Lord, sovereignty is from the Most High; He Himself will probe your acts and scrutinise your intentions"... [this is] a strong statement of the responsibility of those who rule, and of their need of divine Wisdom. As rule is given them by God, they will be responsible to God for their administration of His kingdom. Jesus of course teaches that rulers are at the service of those they rule."
This whole first reading actually hit me hard PERSONALLY.
I don't think of myself as having "power" at all, but... then last night happened, and suddenly I was in a place of actual power over people. And I didn't even realize that, nor the gravity of it, at the time.
...

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THE OUR FATHER IS ENTIRELY EUCHARISTIC!!!
"Our Father" = in the Eucharist we partake of "the family meal" of God, which we can only do AS His Children, which we only ARE because of Christ
...
...
"Our daily Bread" =:IS the Eucharist Itself
"Forgive us our debts" = is what the Cross accomplished, that Perfect Sacrifice that is made Present in every Eucharist
"...as we forgive our debtors" = "Father forgive them..." and "we are all ONE BODY in Christ VIA the Eucharist"; "whoever loves God MUST love others also."
"Lead us not into temptation" = receiving the Eucharist cleanses us of venial sin & imparts grace to resist further sins
"Deliver us from evil" = the Eucharistic Sacrifice destroyed the power of the devil


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System talk about the Anima Christi
Asking Knife about the Blood, what would inebriation mean?
He immediately said the Blood "is His LIFE." To be inebriated with the Blood of Christ means to be saturated with His Life, to take it so completely into ourselves that it flows in our very veins. It means to, quite actually, be "drunk" with the ardor & unity of it. The Saints frequently use this very language of the Holy Spirit.
It's so hard to phrase, though, speaking in recollection & as a typist. The real data is IN Knife's heart, in knowing intuitively, not by data recall like I get. It doesn't translate.

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Ttywpf = PATRON SAINTS!!
Very fitting as today's ARE is about Confirmation, AND it's during the novena to Saint Cecelia!
"Be aware of the companionship of the whole Church and also the communion of the saints on this mission. When we face challenges together, then we are strong; we discover resources we did not know we had. Jesus did not call the apostles to live in isolation; He called them to form a group, a community."
It's utterly bizarre how we NEVER REALIZED THIS.
...

"Have you chosen a saint to be a friend, patron, model, and intercessor for you? Learn more about that saint this week, and ask him or her to help you with specific challenges you're facing now."
The ONLY Saints I can say we HAVE actually chosen in this regard are Saint Dismas and Saint Mary of Egypt.
...


ALSO we missed yesterday but it is important enough to demand recognition today too=
"The devil is... a being that opted not to accept the plan of God... His fruits are always destruction: division, hate, and slander. [He is working] every time that I am tempted to do something that is not what God wants for me. I believe that the devil exists. Maybe his greatest achievement in these times has been to make us believe that he does not exist... Do you believe that the devil exists? In what area of your life is he trying to tempt you? How are you fighting this temptation? Trust in God that he will help you to choose His plan over the devil's."
1) OPT OUT
2) BAD FRUIT
3) GOD'S WILL. We must know it and Do it! And scarily, in ever single situation, whatever ISN'T God's will IS THE DEVIL'S WILL.
4) Disbelief fuels devil power
5) Our temptations: they go against God's Plan
6) How are we fighting?
7) CHOOSE God's Plan. Because the devil HAS A PLAN TOO!! No randomness, no neutrality!!


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VOTD = Real talk by the lovely NONA JONES about Psalm 147: how God has the power to heal even our most traumatic heartbreaks.
We had to stop & think about this for a minute. What counts as heartbreak, truly? Why is it so hard to tell? Is it because our heart is currently so numbed, drugged by depersonalization?
Trauma doesn't register as heartbreak. Neither does any sort of general suffering.
All temporal loss-- the loss of the Leaguefile, the loss of our friendships in SLC & CNC, our parents getting divorced, our siblings drifting away... that's all heartache, but bizarrely, it never broke?
The ONLY thing that we can actively say broke our heart is death.
We were heartbroken when grandpa died and we weren't there.
We were heartbroken when grandma was dying and we weren't there.
And that's about it.
And we're scared because it feels SO SELFISH.
...


"Whether it’s a fractured relationship, shattered expectations, or the loss of a loved one or dream, brokenness hurts."
Is THAT our problem? Was nothing ever solid enough TO be broken? Were we shooting our soul up with novocaine?
Our relationships "never fractured," because they were never solid. EVER. We were never "actually" anyone's friend; we were either a "pity buddy" or a "placeholder."
...
Our expectations never "shattered," because they were too easily denied & reformed whenever such breakage was a risk OR reality. I immediately think of those first few minutes in CNC, how we actively overrode our survival terror because "we aren't allowed to be afraid, or to NOT want this." So our expectations for something safe, something hopeful, something other than the ghastly actuality were immediately anesthetized.
...
Similarly, but notably different in another aspect, our "dreams" never "shattered" BUT they were literally lost.
...
And then we have the loss of loved ones. That is the ONLY thing that hurt. WHY. AND WHY IS IT SO EGOTISTIC????
...

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A huge thought from the VOTD=
THE LEAGUE CAN TEACH US EMPATHY.
We hear people taking about suffering, sorrow, joy, and hope that THEY have and we DON'T and we cannot feel anything??? And its disturbing. Without personal experience, we find it difficult to "empathize" at ALL-- but when we HAVE experienced such a similar thing, we struggle to detach it from our own personal life; we feel like either we must SHARE THAT EXACT EXPERIENCE with the other person, or one of us is INVALID. It's a bizarrely Systemesque way of thinking: either we are in this together, or it doesn't happen at all.
Why is this?? (Type about it on laptop much more)
HOWEVER!!! Just like with the E.D. THE LEAGUE CAN BYPASS THIS as it is THIRD PERSON!!!
If someone in the LEAGUE has experienced what this person is telling us about, even if we've never personally experienced such a thing-- we can UNITE OUR HEART WITH THE LEAGUEPERSON, and in that very unity we CAN EMPATHIZE!!!
Practice this, SERIOUSLY.
It feels like it is going to be ABSOLUTELY INDISPENSABLE FOR BOTH OUR COLLECTIVE TRAUMA HEALING AND OUR CAPACITY TO LIVE AS A PERSON IN SOCIETY.

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I really want to think about the guided prayer, because it actually fits perfectly into the VOTD:
"God, thank You for giving me a firm foundation to build my life on. I know that no matter what storms come my way, You love me and will give me everything I need. Please help me to continue finding new ways to grow closer to You."
1) God GIVES. That's always the first focus. We do not earn, or merit, or deserve. We don't even ask, because we don't even realize we need. But God GIVES. That's a constant. It's His Character. 
2) What does He give? A firm foundation. This is something that CANNOT be broken, or fractured, or shattered, or lost.
3) It is a foundation-- it is not meant to stand alone and inert! This is actually a gift of HOPE, of PROMISE even, because you only lay a foundation in order TO BUILD UPON IT!
4)
...


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Some fascinating bits from ARE Catechism & Scripture study on Confirmation, starting at Isaiah 11:2 where the Gifts are originally listed =
""a spirit of counsel [or “strategy”] and strength"... the point is that he will have the strength/ability to execute the plans/strategies he devises."
This is so encouraging; it means that whenever the Spirit gives us a "battle strategy" in our daily battles against sin, we never need to fear any inability on our part-- because we're not using our own strength to obey, but the spiritual might-- the Fortitude-- gifted by the same Spirit, TO carry out His Counsel! God does not give us impossible orders; He ALWAYS provides the means, by grace, to do what He wills.

"“a spirit of knowledge and fear of the Lord.” “Knowledge” is used here in its covenantal sense and refers to a recognition of God’s authority and a willingness to submit to it. “Fear” here refers to a healthy respect for God’s authority which produces obedience. Taken together, the two terms emphasize the single quality of loyalty to the Lord. This loyalty guarantees that he will make just legal decisions and implement just policies."
I kept that last bit about justice because again it is EXACTLY what today's first reading was about! Justice is always ultimately directed towards God, even in human politics, because "He who loves God MUST love his neighbor, " again-- and if you love God you WILL be loyal to Him: "If you love Me, keep my Commandments"! And these Commandments ARE the Covenant terms, both in the OT & NT: you must love God with all you have & are, and you must love your neighbor as yourself. And this Love IS "Covenantal knowledge," because the Covenantal use MARITAL LANGUAGE and the knowledge is RELATIONAL. It is utterly unique TO the Covenant context; no one can EVER know God outside of it. On the other hand, as a Covenant, it is also not a situation of equals. We enter into it on the very explicit terms that GOD IS GOD, and we belong to Him.
...I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I'm uneducated in this regard so I must humbly cease talking.
I'm pondering "knowledge." We usually use it to refer to scientific discovery and awareness of physical facts. But what is science, if not the gradual revelation OF God's Authority? We see laws everywhere; we see patterns & numbers & intricate elegant harmonies down to the very atoms and quarks of things. We see how all of Creation amazingly exists as a whole, how it makes sense, and can be understood (within mortal limits) by intelligent minds. Therefore God's Authority is apparent even in Science. And even more obviously, we have the natural moral law within every human heart! THIS is what all knowledge leads to: the knowledge that there IS a God, that He IS the Authority over All, and that what we can feebly grasp of Him through our mortal knowledge is still so noble, so true, so beautiful, that we want to submit to Him; we are aware, however dimly, of how Perfect and Righteous He Is, essentially in contrast to our insurmountable weakness & folly, and we want to obey Him. We then rejoice at being subject to His Law, recognizing its supreme Goodness, and that inspired joy naturally causes obedience... just as naturally as we, once blessed with this knowledge, will commit ourselves to justice for the sake of the Lord. Our just acts become purified, free of egotism, when they are done as a loyal response to the ultimate Justice we see in the Greatest Authority. Et Cetera. I've exhausted my brain.

HUGE relevatory idea in therapy today, here are notes we took directly after therapy:


alters that manifest OUTSIDE OF THE BODY???????
"floating voices"

★ being alters, they would have specific roles/ reasons as to why they are outside!
possible reasons the therapist said:
- to give them a sense of hope? (positive) because inside is too tumultuous, "its okay out here, not everything is bad"
- deflect symptoms so people don’t go digging into d.i.d.?
possible reasons i am thinking of:
- as introjects as outside people that we previously were totally unable to comprehend as NOT being outside still
- as holders of hugely negative programming that we could not internalize or accept as "part of our psyche"
- to play an expected religious role, basically "demons" or "temptors" or "guides" or "angels," etc.
- to exist as an identity even more separate from the self than a normal alter, for whatever purpose


remember THAT'S HOW THE ARCHIVISTS SHOWED UP ORIGINALLY???
and if you haven't forgotten,
the "floating voices" HAVE WRITTEN IN ENTRIES. (THEY'RE THE NASTY ONES)
so yeah they are ALL probably alters.

RAZWELL FITS THIS BILL.
he's technically an outspacer splinter (no idea how that happened) but he resides in that weird floating space that USED to be tied to old whitespace i think??? when jewel was the main. floating area, can't find it in headspace.
but all the floating voices that have any sort of visage show up in those same areas (different rooms sometimes, but all tangibly the same level, feels "flat")
there are STILL a few people I'M AWARE OF that introduce themselves as "guides" or something similar, but who have a very disturbing "edge" to them like the bad Chaoses get. the "evil eye glare" feeling. it's not compassionate.
There's a guy in a suit? he's the main one. I thought he was garrison but he's not; gary is soft and concerned, this suit guy is very precise, ordering.
he always sits in this business room, big table, empty gray plastic chairs around it? i get the impression he works with at least three other people, but i never see them?
i think hyakinth was there originally, to an extent? maybe temporarily. he seems to like level-hopping. he originally worked with the undergrounders remember, then moved to midspace. which is bizarre. he feels way too free in headspace in any case, like he has no roots.
sometimes he still seems to be in those floaty business rooms but then the question is, "is it him or are they using his likeness," it doesn't feel like him. i can't tell yet, i don't know him well enough admittedly. but i'm sure if i was able to look at him it wouldn't be him either.
that's the thing, you CAN'T LOOK AT floating voices, they totally evade vision. they HIDE on purpose. which is unsettling.

It's upsetting because it's hard to "draw a line" between this sort of thing and channeling/ schizophrenia/ etc.
(i found an article about schizophrenia & religion again today, i need to read it)

REMEMBER WE USED TO "CHANNEL" PEOPLE???
is that religious or psychological???
- the angel from JTHM
- the "guru" guy in the car once
- THE GMQ TRIO COUNTS!!!!!!!
- SOME OUTSPACERS WITH NO JEWEL-LINKS (mostly Nier)
- LEAGUEWORLD PEOPLE!!! (remember vez!!!!!)

btw we would also TALK TO PEOPLE inside, who WEREN'T part of our system, like the OUTSPACERS.
(davy, grievous, ringo, bogardus, and dagger all come to mind)
it's been like that SINCE THE EARLY DAYS (<2003+)

this is where "imagination" and "dissociation" blur because yeah, you can easily 'guess' how someone will act, but it FEELS like guessing. it FEELS like construction.
it does NOT guarantee that they will act like that (and if they know you're guess-projecting they WILL call you out on "trying to control them")
when someone gets inside and anchors, they suddenly start acting ON THEIR OWN, suddenly you KNOW if they're "in character" or not because their identity is SOLID and TANGIBLE and CLOSE TO YOURS.
this can get "creepy" because now they're THEIR OWN PERSON but with a DIFFERENT ORIGIN PAST and the responsibility of having them around is overwhelming. THIS IS WHY OUTSPACERS NEED TO ABANDON CANON; WE CANNOT COPE WITH ALL THAT EXTRA DATA.

THAT MAY BE THE KEY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HEADSPACE AND THE LEAGUEWORLDS,
especially as far as vibes go.

★ league people are solid, we know if it's "them" or not, but they do NOT feel tangible. they are NOT able to be interacted with UNLESS THEY WALK INTO CENTRAL, and even then that requires a DREAM SELF SPLIT, remember???
★ headspace people are solid AND tangible, and they CANNOT BE "IMAGINED." they will call you out on it. you can try to imagine but really you're creating a situation, and if they choose to interact then congratulations, THAT'S REAL NOW.
that doesn't happen in leaguespace; it's more mutable and you CAN wipe a history and start over WITHOUT completely annihilating solidity. it's why reset attempts don't work in headspace, but you can easily "start a series over" in a "different timeline" of sorts (like we're doing with Parnassus) without damaging anyone.
it's a dreamspace difference I think. black-based.
however i think ONLY JEWEL AS THE AUTHORITY TO DO THAT ANYWAY as far as i know??

but yeah HOW CAN YOU TELL HOW MUCH OF THIS IS LEGIT/ RELIGIOUS/ PSYCHOLOGICAL/ ETC.?
"everything you can imagine is real."
does that explain everything?
is that just something we must humbly keep in mind? it's a big responsibility, a big warning, a huge source of hope.

★ on that note, the realization that THE OUTSPACERS ARE PROBABLY ALL INTROJECTS.
this means that they ARE alters but they manifest as "third person" people for a REASON.
that reason would be, most obviously, "in order to love them as their own people."

That realization is oddly comforting. It's oddly reassuring. Oddly sweet.

it explains the fracturing, too.

we've looked at them all as "people outside of us, people totally separate from us" since the very beginning, and that's made us feel VERY helpless and confused when they start acting weird, or "splintering," or getting daemons, or anything like that.
we view them as literal visitors, strangers, etc. when the truth is THEY'RE LIKELY PART OF OUR SOUL TOO.



WITH THAT IN MIND LET'S TALK ABOUT PEOPLE.
only some outspacers have enough of a "resonance" to enter our system, THAT SAYS A LOT ON ITS OWN.

"THIRD PERSON" ALTERS FIT INTO THE FOLLOWING DISTINCT CATEGORIES (tentatively)…

1. "Floating voices" (NO NAME, NO FACE, OUTSIDE)

• MOSTLY ABUSIVE.
• these people have possibly written in the journals (extremely negative ones)

 

2. "Guides" (NO NAME, A FACE, OUTSIDE)

• NEUTRAL? can be passively abusive?? e.g. "don’t do this or else you'll regret it" in small situations, but saying nothing when actual danger looms
• these people have NEVER written in the journals and likely CANNOT.

 

3. "Outspacers" (A NAME, A FACE, INSIDE, INTROJECTED)

• MUST BE POSITIVE TO ENTER THE SYSTEM, BUT THEY CAN FRACTURE OR BE CORRUPTED.
• they have not written in the journals but they CAN talk in xanga sessions!!!!!!!

★ SPECTRUM Outspacers include Rio, Markus, Cel, CZ, and Genesis.
They are PERMANENT Spectrum residents with NEW SPECTRUM IDENTITIES.
They mostly reside in headspace, BUT can traverse heartspace freely WITH JEWEL'S ASSISTANCE.
They do not require Jewel's Links to interact with in headspace.
★ HEARTSPACE Outspacers include Davy, Grievous, and Ringo.
They are NOT part of the Spectrum but they are IN THE PROCESS OF SHIFTING INTO IT.
They can be visited via heartspace. They do NOT reside in headspace.
They can ONLY be spoken to via JEWEL'S LINKS.
(These Outspacers CAN become Spectrumized with enough exposure to Jewel's influence (a "door will open"))
★ VISITING Outspacers include Nightcrawler, Soryuu, Barry, Rorschach, Bogardus, Johnny, Dagger, etc.
They are NOT part of the Spectrum.
They mostly CANNOT be interacted with in heartspace OR headspace due to insufficient Links.
They can only be spoken to via JEWEL'S LINKS and even then she finds it highly difficult.
(These Outspacers CAN enter heartspace/dreamspace if they gain stronger Links.)
(CANNON tried to form Links with a lot of these people but SHE COULDN'T. They're only listed here as she tried.)

4. "Channeled Outspacers" (A NAME, A FACE, OUTSIDE, INTROJECTED)

• VERY unique as they are NOT ALTERS, but they can ONLY SHOW UP VIA FRONTING!!!!!!
• MUST BE POSITIVE TO "ENTER THE SYSTEM," BUT THEY CAN BE HACKED!!!!
• ^ THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM!!!!! since they DON'T have internal roots, hackers like to target THEM as they have NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON and they CAN'T FIGHT BACK. however this is not without consequence; those Leaguespacers who CAN visit headspace GET TRAUMA RESIDUE once they do so (as they're re-entering that context). we HAVE had some more lucid people visit us SPECIFICALLY to tell hackers to leave them the hell alone.
• they cannot write in journals as far as I'm aware?? too much identity dissonance with native timelines. (WORLD-JUMPERS AND LEAGUELINKS ARE EXCEPTIONS, as their identities already include a tie to multiple different timelines by nature.)

★ THESE OUTSPACERS DON'T HAVE SYSTEM ROOTS!!
THEY STILL SPEAK/ACT AS IF THEY ARE IN THE CANON AND THIS CAN BE BAFFLING
★★★CHANNELED OUTSPACERS CAN BE LEAGUEWORLD PEOPLE AND FREQUENTLY ARE!!!



that's all i have for now.
it's just VERY important as it sheds a LOT of light on a LOT of things but it also has caused a LOT of confusion.
again, we take everything the mental health system says with a huge hexagon of salt because they typically don't consider psychospiritual experiences to be legit in that context. they think everything can be explained away as chemicals and coping mechanisms when sometimes it REALLY IS SOMETHING WEIRD GOING ON OUTSIDE.

that's where we're at now, the same place we were at when this all started with julie.
"if it's 'all in my head' does that make it totally unreal?"
to which i personally say,
NO.
if it has an effect on you, if it has a TANGIBLE consequence on you, good or bad, then it IS REAL.
and that realization, that responsibility, is TERRIFYING for the most part.
which is partly why we dissociate so much.
even with the good outspacers, our knee-jerk reaction is "if we know them and they know us, then we MUST sacrifice everything and serve them totally" which is SHIT but that's how we view friendships/relationships when they're NOT in third person, go figure.
which is why the hack situation is so complex. the third-person people get hacked a lot because they exist to offer themselves up without resistance or identity, therefore they don't do anything because they don't percieve anything as happening TO them.
it's complex, we have another entry being written about that but it's heavy heavy weird taboo topic stuff again, so i'm always hesitant about posting it.

nevertheless we'll revisit this topic in the future.

again, EVERYTHING IN THIS ENTRY CONCERNING OUTSPACERS/ OUTSIDE ALTERS IS CURRENTLY TENTATIVE AS THIS IS TOTALLY NEW INFORMATION.
headspace shifts constantly by its very nature anyway, and as new knowledge is gained, so. this data may change too, as we learn more.

 
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ROUGH LIST OF THE OUTSPACERS WE KNOW OF AS OF TODAY=

(in rough chronological order)

 

1. Mewtwo???
   2000
   LEAGUE ANCHOR????
   we CAN do a Mewtwo overlay, it's very solid, but it feels like MAITRU which is BIZARRE


2. Celebi
   2001
   ANCHORED as many different people (this is a problem)
   ALSO FUNCTIONED AS A CORE ALTER AT ONE POINT!!!!!!!


3. Nightcrawler
   2001?
   UNANCHORED


4. Ryou Bakura
   2002
   ANCHORED as Rio Saikaras


5. Marik Ishtar
   2003
   ANCHORED as Markus Barashir


6. Skittygirl??????
   2003
   LEAGUE ANCHOR as ???


7. Chaos Zero
   2004
   ANCHORED as many different people?? (this is a problem)


8. Ringo Akai
   2004?
   UNANCHORED


9. Genesis (Selph)
   2005
   ANCHORED as himself


10. General Grievous
    2005


11. Davy Jones
    2006


12. Barry #66
    2006?


13. Razlo
    2006?
    ANCHORED as RAZWELL!!! (you can't deny it)


14. Midvalley Hornfreak
    2006
    UNANCHORED. Never really had any roots.


15. Soryuu Kaminogi
    2007
    UNANCHORED


16. Kain
    2007
    UNANCHORED


17. Johnny C.
    2008
    UNANCHORED


18. Hellboy
    2008
    UNANCHORED. Never really had any roots.


19. Bogardus
    2009
    UNANCHORED


20. Reverend Mofo
    2009
    UNANCHORED


21. Mr. Bluesky
    2009
    UNANCHORED


22. Rorschach
    2009
    UNANCHORED


23. Dirk Strider/ Bro

SPECTRUM OUTSPACERS=
Celebi
Ryou
Marik
Chaos
Selph

HEARTSPACE OUTSPACERS=
Ringo
Grievous
Davy

VISITING OUTSPACERS=
Nightcrawler
Barry
Razlo
Soryuu
Johnny
Mofo
Rorschach
Bogardus
Dirk

CHANNELED OUTSPACERS=
Mewtwo
Nier

NON-INTERNALIZED OUTSPACERS=
Skittygirl
Kain
Hellboy
Bluesky 

thursday=
virtually no early recollection outside of some dim awareness of therapy
I think that morning was the quadruple-rape nightmare? with the FAMILY.
very disturbing, probably why we don't remember this day at all
lots of nightmares lately in any case. almost all family-based.
i am aware though that genesis is getting royally pissed whenever we drive lately
he realizes just how quickly and easily we go into "performance mode" whenever there is ANY exposure to the public, i.e. "there are people around, we MUST entertain them" etc.
rules: keep the windows rolled UP when in town. do NOT play music around other cars. do NOT talk out loud in a car. he's very strict and angry about it because he sees just how fast slippage happens. so the rules are, minimize that risk, until we no longer feel the horrible "obligatory snapback" that causes us to dissociate into that behavior mode.
that night, cel and jacinth.
very telling? we've been trying to track down this kid for YEARS, turns out they ONLY come out in specific situations, cel somehow got them out.
going to have to review stuff in hindsight now.
long story short cel confronted them, I have no clue what they were talking about or doing? I'll have to see if it's on records, there are only vague location blurs. the clearest is them outside, under the cherry tree, in a thunderstorm. cel is hugging jacinth and sobbing "I love you, I love you, but I don't want this, please don't make me do this." and jacinth just has that blank mad look, the one that all numb negs get, the look that says "I exist to do that thing you don't want me to do," as well as "I feel nothing so even if I don't really "want" it either I don't "reject" it" and "I don't want to be self-aware, stop and just follow the script."
all I know is that at some point jacinth left, and cel was holding chaos and sobbing, and telling him how sad she was, how confused and hurt she was, how she wishes this could have been so different.
but this means there's another hacker gone. jasmine is gone since the retributors called her out on her shit. the androgyne is gone since laurie showed hir what ze was doing. and now jacinth is gone, now that cel made her just as strongly aware of what she was actually doing.
cel was crying though. "I loved her, but she was never actually there." told chaos it was heartbreakingly awful, knowing that you loved the soul of a person, their spark, but never really seeing that shine because they were too dead inside, they were too numb, they were too willingly ignorant or self-hating. and jacinth refused to become a person, she wanted only to exist in her programming, she DIDN'T WANT self-awareness. so when she was forced to get it, she left, just like so many of the other hackers.
I think it's notable that when Julie was faced with bitter, caustic self-awareness of that sort, SHE DIDN'T RUN but accepted what she learned, begrudgingly perhaps, but she WANTED TO CHANGE. I think she is literally the ONLY hacker to have made that choice in that situation, instead of choosing to die with their old viewpoint, or whatever is happening with these people.
hope that makes sense. it's important.
we are fighting back big time again now, and we're realizing that we have more power than any of us realized. we're realizing they never had power over us at ALL.


friday=
no memory of morning.
evening: found a bit of art motivation online, helped with willpower and confidence. somewhat upsetting though because it's like "why do so many good artists draw porn". not wanting to associate with that whatsoever.
later, jay (?) sacrificing his life for others again
chaos found out first, heartbroken, "stop giving everything of you to me"
slow suicide from WAY back.
"jay" saying he didn't even know why he kept doing this, why he kept harming himself so much and pushing himself too far, literally wishing for everything he suffered/ took out of himself/ sacrificed/ etc. would be given TO someone else to augment THEIR life instead.
chaos said he didn't want that, tried to give a lot of it back.
very vigilant now, aware that the "jay" bloodline people are not entirely "positive" and that a lot of them still hold that sort of white wintry problem.
also, more hack death. old methods/ programs are actually backfiring spectacularly now.
emphasis that programming doesn't work, at ALL, we DON’T want what they do and we are AWARE of that now, we aren't blacking out in fear and doubt.
i know at some point we decided we wanted to start the "headspace movie nights" again? i have a feeling xenophon had the loudest say in it.
so that night we rented and watched iron giant. message took strongly.
robots/androids in system appreciated it a lot, but we all have that "what does it mean to be alive/ "human"?" dilemma, "what does it mean to be alive," so the simple but meaningful "soul" bit in the movie struck a chord with all of us.
favorite bit though, "you are who you choose to be."
felt like the battlecry for our life right now.


saturday=
no memory of morning.
mother over house in evening.
outbursts? apparently anger overload. assumedly too much noise, or food guilt, or both? mother literally would not stop talking, followed us around the whole house talking, we couldn't even eat because she'd walk over and stand in front of us and chatter no matter where we moved.
someone stomped the floor at one point, foot hurts a lot.
first memory picks up AFTER that all ended, and mother is gone. no surprise.
in any case, bad food, got very sick. we are definitely allergic/intolerant to peanuts in some way, they make the body extremely sick, every time.
later, watched ted. scared to at first (we dislike R movies, as well as "adult" humor) but we mainly wanted to see how "typical media" handled such a concept.
shock of "some people out there actually live like that"
made us very sick at some points.
after movie, in light of recent events… inspiration from hotel fight scene, laurie beating up jay.
"I'm doing this because I love you" legitimacy, from her it actually is valid. I think jay asked her to as well? she's been refusing lately but something just snapped tonight.
really terrible because it is IN THE DIALOGUE after they beat the shit out of each other
and it's the ONLY time in the whole damn film that they SAY this to each other:
"I'm so sorry Johnny."
"So am I, man."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Listen. You gotta let me help you make things with you and Lori."
"There's no putting things right; she f*ckin' hates me."
"No, John, we could get her back."
it was a direct shot to the heart, point blank, in the most unexpected place
and our laurie jumped on that and that's essentially what happened with us too.
remind me to write about that somehow, please, i dont know how but i have to.
after all that was the first time I could see her face in months.
very very sick at night from the food, scared. talked to boss for a while, cz wouldn't leave our side. said he'd help. apparently he did. there is logged, there was a moment of real solid peace, intuitively understood the "say yes to suffering in order to transcend it" paradox, going to hold on to that. huge relief to finally "get" that again.
lastly. in church, realized system map is actually 3D and we got the flowchart wrong. there's horizontal and vertical. it really is a lotus. need to draw it, modeling ideal though.
very excited over this. feels real inside again, tuning back in to us.


sunday=
woke up, nightmares again. felt like something is getting to me, trying to make me forget good dreams, haunting me
almost no memory of morning? highly dissociated, felt very sick still.
chaos was very sad? not sure why? whoever woke up didn't even acknowledge him or something, snubbed him, I don't know. but he was tangibly concerned, pained.
shopping. for food, really dumb idea in retrospect (obligatory food) but it happened.
synchronicity in car already. music.
"here I am with open arms" played, remembered how that somehow ended up as one of ryman's songs, wondering on the lyrics. fighting more shame and self-loathing there.
"got to be real," after wondering w/ genesis. song felt yellow too.
afternoon: laurie and sandman trying to manage eating disorder
main problem: typically it's done by the A.P. to avoid experiencing the actual process
eating is often disturbing and disorienting; by running it through the A.P. the dissociation allows for experience of colors and textures but not of the actual 'eating' bit. this also plays into the "don't swallow anything" compulsion as well as the purging; "eating" is actually not the intended goal here
sandman realizing that the more scared a damaged/ child fronter gets, EVEN from being "yelled at" in discipline, or being spoken to very sternly/ angrily, feeds feelings of potent fear and confusion and self-loathing; that alter will dissociate and keep doing harmful things because THE MESSAGE DIDN'T REGISTER DUE TO THE FEAR. they keep pushing through waiting for a NON-SCARY response and the reason they don't stop on their own is because they are doing the best they can at the moment, according to what they understand. they don't realize they're doing anything wrong. but they also will not listen when someone yells at them "stop that!" because they don't know how to cope with that sort of behavior and will literally block it out and continue. it's confusing but we've been trying to put this into words for ages.
also, sherlock very angry with razwell. first time he's been directly communicated with for an extended time.
razwell is weird because he's been around for YEARS but he's always been in that weird "floating room" that the "good floating voices" are usually in? hyakinth is there sometimes, still no clue why. no clue who those people are, they don't feel too "nice" they're too businesslike? but they aren't malevolent, not actively at least. anyway razwell holds "obligatory/forced humor," which is the kind of shit that you hear in the "adult world" or at school and you learn to laugh at it even if it's not funny at all, even if it's rude or scary or wrong, because you "should laugh" and that shit. but we know its shit now. sorry for the language. and razwell knows it too. he'll laugh, forced and too loud, manic almost, at the "bad jokes" just like the mother does. but then he'll start sobbing in frustration now. he's never done that before. he realizes his job is forced and void of self and i think it's getting to him. it would be nice to get him on our side. he's yellow too, maybe that's tied into this
anyway that was today.
now I'm updating




There are things after me. Bad things. I know this for sure.
I've accepted that this sounds crazy, even from me. But it's true.
That's one thing I'm thankful for, about headspace. It's taught me a lot, it's allowed me to understand a lot more than I otherwise would have. And maybe all this really is just "in my head." But that's real enough. That's real enough, good and bad. Microcosms and macrocosms, you know.
Anyway. In light of this I want to apologize, again, for the entries that have been happening here for the past few months, if not longer. You know, how everything's been so bloody bitter and angry and negative. Yes, it's good to let stuff out instead of letting it rot. But did you notice, all of this stuff is ANCIENT? Every single "bad" entry we get is old stuff. It's circular. Because the old stuff, in and of its existence, is separate from its healing. And we HAVE healed it. It's just… we're looking at it too much in a straight line. And we're all, all of us inside, walking that road at different speeds. A lot of us are past the old stuff, way forwards in the healing point, the end of that awful road, we're free, we're done with it… but we keep wandering back, either to help other people, or because of doubt or second-guessing, or because of God knows what. And when we do walk all the way back, it's like time travel. We're mired in that all over again.
It's toxic. It's dangerous. So… I don't want to post anything like that here, any more. No more rants. No more negative mindspills. From now on if anyone in the System wants to do that, we had better figure out WHY, and then just sit and listen to them for heaven's sakes, talk to them, HEAL this instead of just dissociating and letting programming or the A.P. run its course blindly.

Headspace IS our saving grace, however inelegant that original word for us may be… and I've come to realize, very strongly, in recent weeks, just how blessed we are to have ourselves. To be ourself. It's been the best thing we have, as a person, as an individual.
The Leagueworlds are their own thing. The whole "bridge the gap" bit… I think was too dichotomous. Yes, we can't be an "individual" while we're tuned in to the Leaguestuff because we CAN'T be in that state, that's how creativity and inspiration works. There's no "gap," there's just a shifting of vision. That's it! We're still here, they're still here, it's fine. And we CAN talk to each other, outside of landlocked timelines, which are like that for integrity's sake and that's important too.


I'm kind of excited now… that's not quite the right word, but it fits well enough for now. Hopeful? Grateful? Looking forward, but being happy of where we are now.
I remember what our old entries were like. Not all of them were good, absolutely not. But there were a lot more System-based entries in the past, than there have been recently. Not all of those entries were good either-- there are a few where, looking back on them, I can remember how uncomfortable we were writing them because we knew something wasn't right, even though we had just experienced something inside it felt wrong somehow, fallacious, illusory. Like the truth had been temporarily twisted, like a bad dream, from what we were letting infect our mind at the time. Headspace is fluid, and it's very easy to be led astray if you're not paying attention. There's a certain feeling to watch for, when it's real, and another one, when it's not… intuition has been sharpening a lot over the years, and I can differentiate now. It's very, very important.

What I'm trying to say is, I know what we have to do. It's all little things, little victories and things, just small lights going on. Some of it is going to take a hell of a lot of iron willpower, because there ARE nasty forces trying very hard to stop us, and twist us up, and basically screw up our progress. To be blunt, we've been weak in the willpower department lately. There's been a pervading numbness and doubt and tiredness, and it's made us so unsure of ourselves that we haven't been fighting.
Well, no more. No more.

Our edges are important.
That's something I keep forgetting.
There's an audio file on Mitchell from 2013 about that… it's beautiful and I should upload it somewhere. I should transcribe it tonight.
But… it's one of those files that means a lot to listen to, because there's so much heartfelt sincerity in it. Not all of it is, again. At times the speaker begins slipping and trying too hard but they NOTICE that and stop talking. Still… it's audible, when the things they are saying are coming from their heart. And that hits a high point near the end of the file, when the speaker begins talking about just how thankful they are for those in the System, in the "coregroup," so to speak… how thankful they were for the bright and dark sides of those beloved souls, for their softness and their edges, for all that they were.

I'm rambling now too. I apologize. This is a bit of a "non-person" state; it feels contrived and I apologize.
However. That point is important.
Edges. Sharp bits. Laurie's blades. Genesis's teeth. Infinitii's burning shade. Chaos's being. Everything about us that seems dark and terrible and damnable, everything we've tried to scrub out, too many times, without lasting success… all of that. It's important. It's blessed too. IF IT'S USED AS SUCH.
And THAT'S the vital point we keep forgetting.
There's a quote we should print out… how anything, ANYTHING, can be "sacred of profane" depending on how it is handled, on whether or not the spirit moves into it, fully and aware, when that thing is experienced.
The Light can use the Dark just as well for its own purposes, so to speak, and I think it's because when the Light moves into something, it completely changes the nature of the thing. If the thing It moved into was truly evil or bad, guess what? That Light will melt it down. That Light will completely erase it. I know. It's happened to me.
And that's the thing. Anyone who tells us, "it's neutral, who cares!" doesn't understand that well enough. At least, not the ones who spoke to us.
I'm not going to start rambling about that again. Point is, we get it. We always DID understand what WE need to do, what's right for us, what we REALLY need/ want/ are looking for, et cetera ad infinitum. WE KNOW OURSELVES.
We have to stop letting other people define us on a whim. We have to start standing up for ourselves again. We have to start being warriors again-- and that term does not mean to be wantonly violent, or cruel. A warrior is power, used rightly. A warrior is truth and strength and unflinching integrity. A warrior has compassion that does not let itself be stepped on. I know exactly what it is.

I find it very important, hugely important, that yesterday Josephina finally started the Yellow Realms. He (ze? I should ask about pronouns again really) was distraught about how Yellow was, for a very long time, a negative color for us. I'm not sure when it started, but as of late that hue has been mostly toxic. And Jo has been slipping, numbing, calcifying, probably worse than ANYONE else as of late… and, shockingly, it's been glossed over, because 1) he hasn't been around much, which ties into 2) he's been getting like this more and more for a while now. And, awfully, I think we all just chalked it up to "Yellow problems" and shoved our anxiety about it under the rug.
No. No. We will not gloss over a System member's health anymore, ever, for any reason. If there's an infected or sick Color, we heal it. If there's a person who's like that, or worse, then for God's sake we HELP them as much as we possibly can, as earnestly and absolutely as we possibly can.

That's what I miss about the old entries. Most of the Xangas, a lot of the Glissando entries. Everything that resonated within. Everything that attested to the reality of us, of our System, of our community… and I know I keep saying that but we've been falling back out of doubt or shame or loathing or fear.
No more of that. No more of that, ever. We can't afford to be divided against our own heart anymore. We cannot afford to fight our own existence anymore, just because someone else convinced us we should be doing so.

I'm going to take a break from the Internet totally for a while, I think.
We've been warming up to that lately. We've all but quit Tumblr (hackers started using it so we flat-out avoided it immediately after we caught them), and it's a huge relief, for many reasons. We honestly don't use any other website anymore, haha. So that's good.
But. I think the more time we spend offline now, the better. The Internet has been a sort of ailment for us, for a while. Yes it's been helpful, but more often than not, it's been a jail cell. It's been a chain on our ankles. It's thrown obligations and fears and performances onto our shoulders and NONE of it is necessary, and right now we're just throwing all these metal restraints off into the corner and walking away. It's freeing.
We have too much to do, to waste our time trying to impress/ entertain others and then wish "we could do more." It's easy. Stop wasting our time.



I'm really trying too hard here. I've got to stop typing "to an audience" because then it feels artificial and overly structured and forced.

All right, bullet list.

- Our "dark" sides are important, because they include our sharper parts that can STILL be used for Good IF we are wise and loving about it. There is NOTHING "inherently evil" about our rougher edges if they are handled with wisdom and care. By the same token, even something we view as "totally good" CAN be used for evil IF the usage of it is motivated by such. Be careful. Don't think too hard. Talking too much just confuses everyone.
- Josephina has the spotlight on him right now. So does Yellow in general. Help him, learn from him, this is big.
- Don't let them touch you. EVER. Laurie and Chaos WILL help you.
- Stay offline as much as possible. You know how toxic things can be.
- Don't go down any rabbit holes. Don't get lost in old tangles. If someone else in the System is, help them out. Help them heal.
- Stay aware of what you've learned. Don't let blind obligations or imitations or shit get to you and lead you astray. You know what we need to do, and what it is unwise to do, and what it is harmful to do. Don't listen to anyone who screams at you. BE WISE. Ask inside.
- Stop writing and reading bad entries. STOP.
- Write/print out ALL healing revelations and lessons and refer back to those when people feel confused or lost or doubtful. STAY AWARE. REMEMBER. STAY AWAKE.


stop trying so hard. you don't need to impress anyone. glitz and glamour will get you nowhere.

be sincere. be purely joyful and childlike if that is truly your shine. don't let anyone shame you for it. tune back into the truest parts of us and don't ever lose sight of those colors ever again.


simeon:
hi.
jay is in love again. :) that's really happy. i'm happy too.
I'm not upstairs but its nice when people care about esach other.
it makes me feel really nice.
okay bye<3


hey on that, sorry he jumped in. there's a feeling of embarrassment in here still when people come un unannounced to talk or type. it seems "fake" but then we can't delete it, that's rude, it's offensive actually.

but it's true. it's currently at a point where… everything upstairs is so real that even WHEN there are doubts, horrible doubts, they just dissipate on contact. it’s like… I can be in the same room as crushing doubt now, and see it as totally baseless. it has no merit now. THAT'S where we are. that's how genuine this is right now.
I literally cannot, cannot remember the last time things were this solid. it's amazing.
it's different in a way. the atmosphere is different. nicer, calmer, a little more blue-green. but different. things are becoming clearer, coming together better.
we are really, really learning a LOT as a System. not just the pentagape people.
simeon's right. it feels really nice.


okay headspace movie week is still on and this film has about 30 minutes to go yet so we're off. sorry about how disjointed this entry feels. I'll review it later but for now I just need this posted or it's going to just sit here.

dishonored 2 was just announced I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THIS that game has had a huge impact on us too, this is great, that was one heck of a boost of optimism to our night.

tomorrow is therapy. goal right now is= heal those who are yet unhealed.
she said that is definitely possible, always, even for those like ashen, who are covered in scars. we said then let's do that, let's start this process, let's heal it all.
we're being so open and honest in sessions, we've never been so absolutely uninhibited before, I have to thank cannon and hatchet for that really they're incredibly brave and brazen, we need that.
this is real progress. THIS is real progress. speaking up, and being honest, and not shoving things under the rug, and not trying to be something we're not, or can't be. THIS is progress.
forgiveness is progress too.
we're capable. we've done it. we just have to shake off the dust on our shoulders.
we are who we choose to be.