the spectrum heart cathedral system

021618. 23:02.


Quite frankly, we're sick of being built on tragedy.

it's the first of the "nine nights" and we have no spoons and our body is weak and exhausted and confused and we're angry, we're frustrated, we're heartbroken, we're sad, and we're so so sick of this.
we've made up our minds. yes, struggle is necessary for growth sometimes. but the key word is SOMETIMES. we HAVE to learn how to use HEALTHINESS for growth. otherwise, we're gonna die. there's no two ways about it. we're gonna die.


we're thinking about what we can do for this first night.
we want to review the system list. find the people whose identities are foggy, whose names are clear but faces are indistinct, who have neither name nor face, etc. we want to make a list of them and FIND them. we want to be a coherent, united system, and that's the only way it's going to happen. we have to put the work in.
already, thinking about that is bringing happiness up in us. good.

we're sitting alone on the floor of the playroom with the white christmas lights on in front of us. god we're so happy in here. we feel safe and good and real. something about this environment-- a tiny space, alone and comfortable with tiny lights amidst deep silent darkness, sad and tired and weak but fiercely determined and unflinchingly happy and in love beneath it all-- it feels like us. I guess that's who/how we've been for years. so it makes sense.

our poor body is still sick, sick, sick in the gastrointestinal sense.
we had a weird but jarringly heavy realization earlier. realizing that our stomach was growling, but we had no appetite at all. the thought of eating made us nauseous, but we knew the body had to be fed.
and immediately, we thought of an i.v. drip, and the relief was tangible.
why is this? why the bizarre but powerful comfort in hospitals, in medical environments? is it because we spent SO much time in them over the course of our life?
prince pax has been around lately, when we reached his point of the archives and remembered his name. bam, there he was, remembered and therefore able to live again. he's the one that got us through our most recent. g.i. hospital stay, for the viral colitis infection. we were in excruciating pain for a week, up all night in that dark room with the city lights outside and medical noises all above and below and around us, but he was there strong. I think he was around for the bradycardia stay, too? but memory for that one is fuzzy, as I think we slept for most of it. no strength.
weirdly, too, NO memory of food for that entire time, other than the awareness of having glass jars full of carrots (?) brought to us by the birth family. no other memory. we remember being afraid everything would rot in the warm room. but that's it.
anyway. the i.v. drip. god we wish we could be fed that way. remember when our pcp almost got us that feeding tube? we still wonder if that would be a good idea, because eating in general is so exhausting.

good thing:
oh hey it's 11:11 ♥

but yes. good things. as surprising things, but good at heart. always.
breakfast this morning was the usual, but we had less of an appetite than usual, and we had no desire to eat it. why is this good? because that means there is NO binge impulse with it. some people see three bowls of vegetables and want to inhale them, as a stim or abuse method or obligatory behavior, but this morning we ate a few mouthfuls of spinach and were like, nope, that's it. we're full. we don't want any more food.
we had to, though. like we said, body's weak, it needs fuel. but why is it sick? is it a bug, or is it our diet?
we're wondering what to do. we can't stomach carbs well, but that's surprising, because iscah had to eat SO MANY of them for nine weeks straight, with no major trouble.

oh!! another huge revelation we had earlier, looking into the bathroom mirror, trying to feel out the "binge motives."
there is a warfront with two opposing sides, and two opposing views of the body:
side #1 is the "starve" side. the thin, bony, anxious, angry-sad, neurotic "girls" (always female pronouns but NEVER female) that want the body to be thin, NOT in a waifish way, but in a wiry way. raw muscle strength. tight and lean like a spring. they are terrified of softness, of weight, of heaviness, of bloated bodies. they want to be like a robot or machine. all lean lines, no excess shape. they don't want to eat at all, and have very little conception of the process.
side #2 is the "stuff" side. again, "girls," but these are softer, rounder, bigger, chubby, cheery, and they like to eat. they're focused on "being good" and "surviving," but all their motives are programmed. iscah is one of them, possibly the main one, as she is the healthiest. they are motivated by thoughts like, "fat is good, it gives us energy and keeps us warm, we have to eat fat." or, "carbs give us energy to run, carbs give us calories, we have to eat carbs." there's a LOT of religious thought in here, too-- "god manifests as bread," "god anoints with oil," "god is in flesh," etc.
but you notice the key distinction? group #2 focuses on HEAVY foods. oil, carbs, sugar, meat to a lesser extent.
maybe there's a group #3? the meat-eaters. their motives are VERY different.
and a group #4, too. the "dessert whores," is what someone upstairs said. the sugar eaters. the ones who go for fruit and candy and sweet things. not even as gluttons, though-- they are motivated by this weird thought that "we need to gain weight and this is the fastest way to do it," PLUS "it's a drug that makes you happy, right? and we NEED to feel happy, so that'll work" except it DOESN'T it makes us SICK AND MISERABLE WHY DON'T YOU EVER GET THE FREAKING DATA OR DON'T YOU CARE????
god I'm sorry I'm just so tired of this.
triple is that you??
yes. leave me alone. I'm tired. I don't want to talk.
okay.

so. stream of consciousness entries means going back to topics that were unfinished. gotta keep the flow going.
the meat-eaters. they're motivated by religion, too.
really, ALL the lotophagoi are primarily motivated by one of three things, with TONS of overlap:
1) health teachings, e.g. "fruit is good for you so you MUST eat it" or health fears, e.g. "if you don't eat fat your brain will stop working and you will die"
2) emotional teachings, e.g. "you can't be afraid of the possibility of being allergic to eggs, you HAVE to eat them," "why are you scared of bread, eat it and see there's nothing to be afraid of," etc. backfires spectacularly as the ones who are scared aren't the ones eating. when they are, the terror makes them purge.
3) religious teachings, e.g. "eating meat gives us psychopomp feelings therefore you MUST eat it," "god said there is a land of milk and honey so you MUST like those things," etc.

a list of foods affected by this:

meat= disliked, that thought is denied. "you HAVE to like meat, it's LIVING THINGS!!" the thought that if we "don't like the taste of meat" we are somehow sinning, condemning animal existence.

milk= intolerant. again the thought, "intolerance is cold-hearted! you must accept and love it." THAT'S NOT HOW GASTRIC INTOLERANCE WORKS YOU DELUDED I can't swear at them, they're not trying to be bad, what the heck, this is miserable (triple again. this is my job, leave me alone please)
milk is also a MASSIVE TRAUMA TRIGGER as it triggers "infantilization" flashbacks and suicidal impulses.
allegedly, iscah likes cheese, but we only know this through residual data. we're not sure of the post-upmc "terror month" changed this, because all she ATE was cheese (and yogurt) and we clearly remember getting super sick from it. the last day, she had a bowl of cheese sitting on the porch, and our body was violently rejecting it so bad she had to throw it out on the crudpile. I think since then it's become a trigger food even for her. the house would do that.

bread= stomach spasm-vomits immediately upon ingesting flour, for unknown reasons. the nausea is crippling. we cannot help this response, it is almost automatic.
but the body keeps craving it? like the seed bread OV bought today. we had a slice and the body wanted it so badly. why. why. the mental sheer panic response was unbearable. bread is a BIG trigger food and we don't know why. eating plastic-packaged bread. it makes us shake with impending doom. bad bad bad feelings. why?
either way, body not a fan. flashbacks to bathrooms, the gluten-free bread. remember? how heavy it was? because of rice flour? rice gave us horrific g.i. troubles for ages. it still gives us awful mental issues because of the blood sugar spike, it's terrible, please don't eat it.

so what do we do?
"we need carbs," the phrase continues.
we GET carbs. have you seen how many vegetables we eat? THAT'S ALL CARBS.
"but it's not bread carbs," they say. "we need bread carbs." but there's a hesitance, a quiet anxiety to their voice.
do we really?
"grandma and the doctors said so," a young girl blurts out. maybe 7, 8.
do "bread-carbs" make you sick?
"…"
no reply. an obvious "yes" awareness, but staunch refusal to admit it.

not going to get any further

"we don't want it to make us sick," they say. "maybe it'll stop all this diarrhea and stomach pain," they say, "because that's from the eggs, right? we're allergic to eggs, right?"
NO WHAT THE HECK STOP PUTTING THAT IN OUR HEAD WE'RE FREAKING FINE!!!! WE'VE BEEN EATING THEM FOR MONTHS WE'RE NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY DEVELOP AN ALLERGY OVERNIGHT
except upmc said we might they wouldn't even let us eat almonds because they thought we were getting an allergy to them
BUT WE HAD THE SAME FREAKING REACTION TO THE ICE CREAM YET THEY WOULDN'T LET US STOP EATING THAT BECAUSE IT WAS "US BEING AFRAID OF SUGAR AND TRYING TO GET OUT OF EATING IT" AND ALL THAT GARBAGE
does that mean we're allergic to milk too?? like mel??
NO STOP WHAT THE HECK WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TO BE ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING I AM SO FREAKING SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!!!
that’s overload, not triple, are they-- are you blurring that bad?
OUR JOBS OVERLAP. I'M TRIPLE. I'M FURIOUS. BUT OVERLOAD FEELS THE OVERWHELM. THAT'S HER JOB. MINE IS JUST TO BE RAW FURIOUS BURNING ANGER AT THE GARBAGE SHE'S BEING PUT THROUGH FEELING AND EXPRESSING LIKE THIS.

so what do we do.
about what?
about the diet. about eating. bottom line is, we want an i.v. drip.
can we do protein powders? no, they made us sick before, didn't they?
yeah. yeah, they did. they were all we ate for months and we got that horrible abdominal pain from protein excess, remember? at least, that's what we figured it was. too much for this body to process, probably.
plus it was nauseating, data says. at least, it's foggy, so I think so.
it was. I think. you're right, I have no idea. "data missing." or expunged. we kept having to repeat it even in PA and could never remember, I remember.
irony.
only in phrasing. but that keeps happening to us. is our situational awareness // actually that bad?
maybe. we dissociated a lot in that house.
who is talking? who are you guys? are you text-onlys?
probably.
but you have faces? blurry faces? do you have names?
we should, shouldn't we?
you blur together real easily though. it's hard to tell you apart

(mental overwhelm)

what else can we talk about.
this eating disorder is pure hell and right now we're just scared because
1) body still sick. not sure if this is because of eggs, or too much vitamin a, or too much roughage. we need to experiment with this (try no eggs, but then what do we use for protein? try no cilantro is easy enough, though, although we crave it for some reason, probably the chlorophyll). maybe (definitely) see a doctor. we have medicaid, that should cover it.
but right now we don't know what else to do. just keep trying, stay hydrated, don't panic. we've been through worse than this.
2) so much fear still tied to eating. so many foods we could potentially eat to widen our diet, but we won't because we're either afraid of eating them or afraid of liking them. we want to live cheaply, minimally, etc. eggs are the cheapest protein. lettuce and cilantro and cucumbers are the cheapest vegetables.
3) so many foods DO make us sick, and/or are triggers. like white flour, and dairy products, and sugar, and beans, and anything with a high carb content. so we CAN'T eat those without painful consequences. we've tested this repeatedly. the results are the SAME. so we have to trust this, even if it's scary and a lot of us would rather fight it tooth and nail because the thought of being "disabled" in a g.i. way is almost unbearable? like, "why can't I be a normal person" translating to "normal=good" or the like. they don't want to be normal, per se, but if they're not normal, they're not seen as human, and even if they don't WANT to be "human," if they're not seen as such, then they're ALSO not seen as deserving of human respect. and they're terrified of being objectified and viewed as a wild animal just because they can't "eat like a [normal] human being." THAT'S the fear. rejection of personhood because of a stupid dietary issue. but it happens. it always happens. god knows why.

we're so tired of this.
we just want eating to be super simple. SUPER SIMPLE. routine isn't a sin with this, it's a blessing.
eggs and vegetables for breakfast. every day. simple, cheap, reliable. no thinking about it.
dinner, what the heck. whatever they make for us. THAT'S the ideal. no thinking about it.
we're so tired of making our own meals. but they don't cook in the evenings anymore, like they did during the sideways week. so we have to adapt. plus we can't eat what they do. we can't have pizza or rice or ground beef or sandwiches, and when I say "can't" I DON'T mean "we're physically unable" (because that's a lie and it WILL be tested by someone inside); I mean that we are capable of eating it but if we do we will experience PHYSICAL SUFFERING. except someone wants to test the "will" and god help you but is the chance really worth it? look at the data results from all the previous times you tested it. look.
"but that one time, we DIDN'T get sick," they say, adamant, afraid, hopeful somehow.
yeah, but what about the other twenty times? I say.
"we/you were just afraid," they say, pleading, desperate, still hopeful. "if you weren't afraid, it wouldn't hurt."
god, we wish. we wish. but is it worth the trying?
"if it will make life easier for them, yes."
…
still. we have to respect our own health. kid, some things we aren't going to be able to eat, nor should we. like those pizzas. MASSIVE trigger food, also you KNOW our body would violently reject it. do you realize that?
"yes. I didn't say you have to eat that!"
but it was implied. "it only hurts if you're afraid." kid there are kids in this system that LIKE pizza, or at least the idea of it, and god knows they WANT to eat it but they WON'T because they get the data. they KNOW that if they LITERALLY ate pizza in this body, we would get VERY SICK.
"only because you're afraid!!"
THAT'S NOT IT. WE'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND OUR BODY CAN'T HANDLE HEAVY CARBOHYDRATE LOADS SO SHUT THE HECK UP IF YOUR IGNORANT REFUSAL TO ADMIT THE TRUTH IS GOING TO HURT EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON UP HERE.

can we stop talking about this
this is simeon
sylvain?
the third boy? between them.
sylvain is more scared and weepy

please stop talking about the food!! it's scary and I don't like how it feels in here

it's okay, I promise. we're okay. they're just upset because they hurt.

and then there's me
are we triplets?

maybe we are!! maybe we are? I don't know how anchors work, is that ok

of course it's ok, you don't need to know how they work unless you want to. but you're not in trouble if you don't know! no one holds it against you.

are you sure?? they said don't be ignorant, I don't want to be ignorant

SYLVAIN I WASN'T TALKING to you you're fine, I promise, you never do anything bad. you’re always okay.


(simeon feels much older than he was/ than we thought. maybe that's where this third kid is coming in, to fill his previous role)



what else, what other topic was there


1) system members. we need to review the lists and find people
(oh hey it's 11:54 pm!! good we're tired. one more hour then we can sleep)
(our stomach still feels funny, are we gonna be ok??) sy
(yes, we'll be okay, trust me. I'm here for you. and they're here for everyone else. we'll make it through this! one way or another.)
(and if we don't??)
(we will, kid. life doesn't actually end in death. besides, we've got people on the outside who care a heck of a lot about us. say this body is going through some severe trouble that's gonna require serious treatment. we'll get it, one way or another, come hell or high water. if OV and MC can't help us out, you know the good-hearted birthfam will.)
(since when were they good hearted??)
(since we started seeing them as people and not perpetuations of their mistakes, for goodness's sake. look at every single email we've gotten from the mother. she's a good person, we know that, we've ALWAYS known that for heaven's sake, we just got bloody blinded by falsely defining her by her trauma-mimicking behavior. hurt people hurt people, and so help me god I am not going to condemn anyone to that ever again. look at our system. hurt people need love and understanding and a listening ear. that's so they can heal. same with the birthfam. chill the heck out. we know they're good at heart, that's been proven, too. now go on with the bullet list, kids)
2) spectrum colors! discovering resonances, attributes, color realm data, etc. also (sherlock thinking here) clarifying exactly how many color slots there truly are; e.g. the orange differentiation question we currently have. similarly, does this still adhere to the supposed "trio pattern" where colors occur in threes, not just tint-tone-shade triads? look into this.
3) jargon. simple as that
4) we'll think of it. let's focus on the first two first, mainly, only if need be.

body acting up, gotta just breathe and deal with it, not obsess over it. it is at is it. we'll be okay.
drink water darn it we're dehydrated from all this trouble anyway

good idea.

also done typing for now, at least here. now to do the actual work.
also daily updates, don't forget those!!
thanks jewel. we will.

signing off at 12:02 am on saturday

going to see black panther later today it's gonna be good if we go into it that way!! movies are super cool LET'S DO IT let's get popcorn too, // can we try some?
are we gonna do the cheesy fry thing or is that gonna stay a conceptual injoke or what
we'll see when the time comes.

as for now, like I said, let's work on the "nine nights" data discovery.
if we don't, it will stay just empty words, and not actual system growth. what we write, we must bring into existence by working.
"it's only one half of the spell" I hear from upstairs.
who resonates with THAT??
I wonder. but that's what these nights are to be about. finding out.
cool, then let's get to it!
my thoughts exactly.


12:04am 021718

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN KIDS!
i didnt get to go out this year because i couldnt affort a costume but i will plan for next year.
but i did wear my skeleton shirt and tiny shorts all day, aha. so that works in a way!


- woke up with incredible music in my head again. first was watching some super-fancy performance on stage (the outfits were amazing), gospel-style music?
then woke up with a song that sounded like hauschka fused with james blake and pattern is movement. THAT'S COOL. i wrote down the vibe i remembered and thought about it until it stuck. now i need a way to create this stuff in the waking.

- had an abusive eater come out first thing, due to feeling "filthy" in the body and not taking time to meditate/ regroup upon waking. mistake! always brush your teeth and tap into headspace first. but no, for whatever reason, this numb social decided to just jump right into further numbing. well genesis caught them, and we got them to stop before they did much damage, but the body still got sick.
i swear we'd feel SO much better, physically and emotionally, if these alters stopped using food as a "i dont care i just want to shut down" abuse instigator. we NEED to get to the bottom of this. laurie keeps insisting a xanga session is in order. i might just host one after i finish typing this (she's excited now, haha).


- i really, really dislike talking about the brother in less-than-positive ways because that goes against my nature. but i have to outline the problems in our household environment because this is something we cannot gloss over, for our own safety.
this morning, he subtly almost outed us to our grandmother. yes it wasn't outright. but that action was a declaration of "i know this about you. i am capable of using this against you if you push me to that point. watch yourself." we know his ways, he is VERY passive aggressive and just as razor sharp when he does so.
laurie and i both said, rather sadly, "let's not trust him anymore." just like the mother, he's stabbed us in the back too many times, and that breaks our heart, but we have to keep ourselves safe.
but man that shocked us and it still has us reeling. when did he get like this? better yet, when did WE get like this? when we visited him at his apartment, yeah he was still distressed, but he wasn't depressed. he was just confused and almost manic at times actually, with how he overthinks things with his "i have to understand everything ever" mindset. but we'd talk for hours and he seemed okay. he was kind, he seemed open to such gentler things. now? now he appears to have a vendetta against the universe for it's incomprehensibility, and even moreso against the human race for being "pure evil" and "disgusting" and other things.
bro you've gotta have patience with them. have some compassion. they're going through a learning process. but he is unwilling to. he just thinks everyone else is terrible and wants nothing to do with them. he says "i've been pushed around and taken advantage of too much. i'm done with this." but shit dude is that really enough to destroy whatever faith you had in humanity? people having human weakness? i dont know. i dont want to trivialize his experiences. i guess... i suppose it's because i try so hard to stay as bright as possible, to keep my heart shining, that i refuse to let the knee-jerk despair get the better of me, ever. is that the only difference between us then? that when the darker side of life pushed him around, his response was to flip it off and turn his back? whereas i always try to ask, "well why did it push me around?" and then, "am i interpreting this more darkly than it is?" etc. and yeah sometimes it IS good to just leave a bad situation. i agree with that. but you can't hate the other party as a result. that's what i mean. i've tried to tell him this but he's unwilling to, he's too preoccupied with his battle damage. i dont know. it just hurts, to see him going through this.
but like i said. having compassion for him doesn't mean he's safe to be around anymore. i need to write this stuff down.

- two days ago, he was screaming at us (in front of the grandparents, purposely) for "borrowing his food" when we didn't have any-- which we are guilty of, but we are so crushingly ashamed of asking that we won't, and instead will buy back extra of what we used ASAP. i admitted this outright. but then he said we were a hypocrite and cited an "example" of a day two years ago, when he walked into the bathroom while we were brushing our teeth and took our toothpaste to use, and we admittedly shouted at him over it. he said that since we did that, we had no right to talk. HOWEVER i spoke up for ourself, mentioning that, back then, we had NO income and were scraping pennies together to BUY that toothpaste. he, on the other hand, already had his own and instead was using OURS for no good reason. when we saw that and realized that he may have been doing this regularly, we got really upset because he had NO INTENTION OF REIMBURSING US for it, whereas with this food situation, we pay back every cent we owe and then some. that's our principle. then i said, sadly and a bit bitterly (i apologize), that "you shouldn't judge my entire worth as a person based on ONE moment of weakness two years ago. that's not very honorable." i think the conversation ended there.
HOWEVER it was also a very good mirror to ourself. one of the things we cannot forgive ourself for for some reason, is back in slc, when apparently one of our abusive eaters was out and Y caught them. according to Y, the alter "threw the bowl in the sink" and left without a word. just knowing that happened makes us nauseous with guilt and shame, and we have NOT been able to forgive that yet. why??? because the deed was done. it was awful and disgraceful. how in the world do we clear ourselves of that?? and ironically the answer is, "you forgive that part of yourself." you recognize that THEY were acting out of weakness too, that when they were 'called out' on their bad deed their outburst was ALSO due to intense shame and self-loathing. therefore don't hate them for it even now!! they NEED to be forgiven. you NEED to recognize that they were only trying to alleviate their pain and they made an unwise decision in the process. they needed PATIENCE and maybe a laurie-style grilling session too, to work out the knots in their motivations. yes, Y had good intentions in telling them to stop, BUT ne delivered that message like the grandmother would have-- we think, essentially "i thought you weren't supposed to eat that? you're going to hurt yourself!" to which our immediate response SHOULD have been "i KNOW it's going to hurt me, but right now i'm devastatingly depressed and i dont care if it hurts me or not, i dont know what else to do, i'm just trying to numb myself to everything and i dont want you telling me to stop because i DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO COPE." that's the way that alter ALWAYS responds; that's her function. but that was deemed "situationally inappropriate" and so that same emotional agony was translated into an act of self-hating violence... throwing the accursed bowl into a sink, wishing we could have caused that sort of blunt force trauma to ourself instead, as that probably would have helped.
but yeah. actually writing that out now does help us forgive. and really we DO forgive. always. it's a false mindset that gets in the way of forgiveness, one that is incapable of self-love or any other kind, some numb thick flat thing that is unaware of headspace. they need to get the hell out of the way.

- we've been trying to put into words what the biggest thing about the brother that bothers us is, and i think the term is that he's "ableist"? yes he has depression/anxiety but he's proven himself to be utterly intolerant of "flaws" in other people. he said he was understanding of us being trans* and having d.i.d. for years, but now that he's back home, suddenly he's making subtle jabs at our hormone therapy (is it because he has internalized misandry???) and spitting that we're switching "on purpose" just to "mess with him" or "antagonize him" or the like. i can't forget that line that simeon took like a knife, "i get the feeling that i'm being toyed with," spat at us like a jury condemnation. and repeated, twice. "i don't appreciate being toyed with." shoved back his chair and stomped out of the room, slamming the door. simeon broke down and cried at the stove.
but he and the mother BOTH insist that our d.i.d. is fake and the whole thing is being invented SPECIFICALLY to "mess with their heads" or otherwise manipulate people. the mother has frequently said that i'm "a master manipulator" and that i'm "not sick at all," that i "lie to all my therapists" and "treat therapy like a game" just so i can waste my mother's insurance money. what the hell. what the hell ALL our therapists have SPOKEN to her, either on the phone OR IN PERSON, we went to the hospital over this, and she STILL wakes us up spitting daggers and telling us to "stop this shit! now!" and then telling our grandparents that we are nothing but an evil, evil liar and we are not to be trusted.
i am so sorry if this sounds awful but it feels awful and i need to get it out somewhere. the pain is unbearable at this point because i am trying SO HARD to be honorable and honest and kind, but she and her favorite son STILL act like i'm the last person they want to see, they cringe and glare when i walk into the room, what the hell did i even do, am i really that bad and dont realize it??
d.i.d. makes this so much scarier because i cannot be sure. what with all the switching, and the memory loss, i dont know. no matter how hard I try to be good, i dont know. i dont know if i'm being lied to or not and that is terrifying.
but that's the killer! because although this is HELL on the bad days, i STILL get told constantly that i am "making it up" SPECIFICALLY TO HURT PEOPLE, because they think i get a thrill out of that or some shit. how in the world could you even think that about a person???
but that accusation hurts more than ANYTHING because BOTH the mother and brother have SPOKEN to SEVERAL of us in the past and considered that perfectly legitimate at the time. but now, no, now the mother says all that stuff, and the brother says we're "doing this to psyche him out" and i dont know. i dont know.

but about the ableism. last week, we were talking to him and at one point he cut us off and said, in a very biting voice, "that's called sarcasm. what, do you not understand that either? no wonder you can't talk to normal people."
it was like a slap in the face, psychologically. how do you even respond to that?
he scoffs at our grandparents all the time for their old-age related weaknesses. memory gaps, clumsiness, confusion, not always being the cleanest. god i adore them and i help them however i can, i try to be as patient and gentle as humanly possible with them so it SHREDS me when i instinctively "mirror" something i saw or heard my mom/brother doing, something i DONT WANT TO DO, and have to instantly apologize and make up for.
but he and my mother hate my grandmother and i dont know why. apparently one of us in the past seems to have disliked her because the mother keeps saying "i dont know why you like her all of a sudden" and things like that, the brother keeps saying "dont you remember how evil she is" and no, no i dont. and you know what? even if she was "evil" at one point, she isnt now, and i refuse to think of her that way. yeah she can be a bit closed-minded due to her upbringing. but god she TRIES to be as kind as possible, she tries to learn, and forgive, and open her mind, and god she is doing SO MUCH BETTER than she once did, i am so happy for it. she's not perfect, no-- she still cant understand forgiveness and that does scare me-- but she is trying. she does what she thinks is right and, even if that's unwise at times, she's doing her BEST as it currently is. she's a human being and she has flaws and i am being patient with her and if you meet someone with real sincere kindness they will hopefully respond with the same. maybe i'm too naive but damn it i cannot hate her. and i dont want these two other family members telling me i SHOULD or i'm stupid.
i get that a lot. "dont be so stupid." "how stupid/dumb are you??" etc. jabs at my intelligence and ability to function "properly." i know i struggle with basic things sometimes, especially on very dissociative days. but it hurts when i'm looked at like an animal because of it. please dont tell me you're ashamed to call me a family member, or that you wish you had never had me as a child, or that you dont like who i am now, or things like that. all things considered, yeah i have hellish days still but i am HAPPIER NOW with who i am than i have EVER BEEN and that is REALLY SIGNIFICANT. i never lost my light. i NEVER lost my progress. ever. every day i take another step forward, another step up. i dont quit. so please. at least have the graciousness to acknowledge that. stop seeing me as past failures or faults, or my inability to live up to your view of perfection or intelligence or normalcy. please.
that's all i'm going to say about this for now.

in any case, as of this evening, he's been acting nicer. approachable. the way we remember him being, if only as a vibe, a knowing that "this is him."
but... i dont know. i think he started smoking again. but i wont say a word. at this point, if that is the only thing that will help him calm down, that will take the edge off his suicidal depression and rage, if this will help him be happy again even if only for a bit, as a starting point... then damn it let him do it. that's all i can say right now.
i just want him to be happy, REALLY truly happy. i want him to be glad he's alive. i really do.


- speaking of simeon fronting. i've been checking the archives and i noticed that, a few times this year, he was referred to as SYLVAIN, the "vanilla boy" from 2013 who was his sibling and who died during the massacre of 122713.
Most notably, there was NO slipping into sylvain's name from 122713 to 042815. and that was a mess of a day. there was one more tagged use of that name on 051815 (another awfully spiritually tangled entry) and then NOTHING until last month (0909, 0918, 1018). so i currently have no idea what this is about. but name slips, repeated like this, mean something in some sense. so i have to look into this.
HOWEVER i wonder if sylvain came back and no one noticed BECAUSE he was always so passive??? or if there's SPLINTERING going on here?? because there is a DEFINITE vibe difference. i'm working on a document about it now so i'll keep you posted.


- we're migrating ALL the system member blogs off the old archive tumblr and onto my main. so i have like... twenty sideblogs now, haha. i dont mind. we figured it would be a LOT easier to manage them this way, not only because i dont have to log out for them to log in now, but also because i can follow blogs for them from this account (the archives only follow mental health blogs). so that'll be nice. letting people be more expressive, as freely as they wish, will help us a LOT in terms of self-anchoring. you need to be able to be more frequently, in order to function better. and with all this outside numbness, we're ALL feeling the hurt. so this is a little effort to help.



something i've noticed:
maybe its an aspie thing, but i frequently feel a compulsion to mimic how people talk, exactly as they just spoke. it's overwhelming sometimes.
it's really toxic though because my mother currently speaks in that weird feminine style that's all sibilants and almost baby-talk? but it sounds like hissing, so it actually hurts to hear, like thick needles going into your sternum. it's hot pink and it hurts. why did she start talking like this all the time?
but i'll mimic her. and i'll hate myself for it, because i DONT want to talk like that, but it's something that's been burned into my subconscious for YEARS and it frightens me that it has such roots in there.
but yes, the vocal mimicking is a big thing. it probably ties into how my brain will pick a soundbyte and loop it over and over and over for hours, if not days, and if i can make that sound i'll feel compelled to. if it's music, i can't, but i can sure hum it over and over.
either way i dont know if i ever mentioned that before but there it is.

i heard "peacock" by beirut on my fave radio station the other day, and it was so gorgeous. so last night i listened to that entire album on spotify and gosh, i forgot how much i love that band. their work is so so nice.
but that song in particular has "weight" to it, like it belongs somewhere, in a leagueworld maybe. i'll find out.

i'm listening to punch brothers' entire discography now and i am VERY happy with it. oh my lord the orchestration and technique and sound is all GORGEOUS. gosh i love these guys. thanks spotify for recommending them to me.
i like every single song i've heard so far and that is really impressive! it's fantastic stuff. lots to go yet so i'm looking forward to that.
there are currently 3 front row seats left for their concert but they're $150, haha. i still want to go, dont get me wrong, but i'll have to check for better seats. that's a bit pricey for me bro.


anyway. i'm exhausted. we ATE WELL TODAY so that's good. still had some slips, especially thanks to the morning, but for the most part we did well. and we dont feel sick at ALL right now. thank god. it's so nice.
laurie and cel and chaos 0 keep telling people to take better care of the body and we are trying.

see you kids later.

 

thursday=
virtually no early recollection outside of some dim awareness of therapy
I think that morning was the quadruple-rape nightmare? with the FAMILY.
very disturbing, probably why we don't remember this day at all
lots of nightmares lately in any case. almost all family-based.
i am aware though that genesis is getting royally pissed whenever we drive lately
he realizes just how quickly and easily we go into "performance mode" whenever there is ANY exposure to the public, i.e. "there are people around, we MUST entertain them" etc.
rules: keep the windows rolled UP when in town. do NOT play music around other cars. do NOT talk out loud in a car. he's very strict and angry about it because he sees just how fast slippage happens. so the rules are, minimize that risk, until we no longer feel the horrible "obligatory snapback" that causes us to dissociate into that behavior mode.
that night, cel and jacinth.
very telling? we've been trying to track down this kid for YEARS, turns out they ONLY come out in specific situations, cel somehow got them out.
going to have to review stuff in hindsight now.
long story short cel confronted them, I have no clue what they were talking about or doing? I'll have to see if it's on records, there are only vague location blurs. the clearest is them outside, under the cherry tree, in a thunderstorm. cel is hugging jacinth and sobbing "I love you, I love you, but I don't want this, please don't make me do this." and jacinth just has that blank mad look, the one that all numb negs get, the look that says "I exist to do that thing you don't want me to do," as well as "I feel nothing so even if I don't really "want" it either I don't "reject" it" and "I don't want to be self-aware, stop and just follow the script."
all I know is that at some point jacinth left, and cel was holding chaos and sobbing, and telling him how sad she was, how confused and hurt she was, how she wishes this could have been so different.
but this means there's another hacker gone. jasmine is gone since the retributors called her out on her shit. the androgyne is gone since laurie showed hir what ze was doing. and now jacinth is gone, now that cel made her just as strongly aware of what she was actually doing.
cel was crying though. "I loved her, but she was never actually there." told chaos it was heartbreakingly awful, knowing that you loved the soul of a person, their spark, but never really seeing that shine because they were too dead inside, they were too numb, they were too willingly ignorant or self-hating. and jacinth refused to become a person, she wanted only to exist in her programming, she DIDN'T WANT self-awareness. so when she was forced to get it, she left, just like so many of the other hackers.
I think it's notable that when Julie was faced with bitter, caustic self-awareness of that sort, SHE DIDN'T RUN but accepted what she learned, begrudgingly perhaps, but she WANTED TO CHANGE. I think she is literally the ONLY hacker to have made that choice in that situation, instead of choosing to die with their old viewpoint, or whatever is happening with these people.
hope that makes sense. it's important.
we are fighting back big time again now, and we're realizing that we have more power than any of us realized. we're realizing they never had power over us at ALL.


friday=
no memory of morning.
evening: found a bit of art motivation online, helped with willpower and confidence. somewhat upsetting though because it's like "why do so many good artists draw porn". not wanting to associate with that whatsoever.
later, jay (?) sacrificing his life for others again
chaos found out first, heartbroken, "stop giving everything of you to me"
slow suicide from WAY back.
"jay" saying he didn't even know why he kept doing this, why he kept harming himself so much and pushing himself too far, literally wishing for everything he suffered/ took out of himself/ sacrificed/ etc. would be given TO someone else to augment THEIR life instead.
chaos said he didn't want that, tried to give a lot of it back.
very vigilant now, aware that the "jay" bloodline people are not entirely "positive" and that a lot of them still hold that sort of white wintry problem.
also, more hack death. old methods/ programs are actually backfiring spectacularly now.
emphasis that programming doesn't work, at ALL, we DON’T want what they do and we are AWARE of that now, we aren't blacking out in fear and doubt.
i know at some point we decided we wanted to start the "headspace movie nights" again? i have a feeling xenophon had the loudest say in it.
so that night we rented and watched iron giant. message took strongly.
robots/androids in system appreciated it a lot, but we all have that "what does it mean to be alive/ "human"?" dilemma, "what does it mean to be alive," so the simple but meaningful "soul" bit in the movie struck a chord with all of us.
favorite bit though, "you are who you choose to be."
felt like the battlecry for our life right now.


saturday=
no memory of morning.
mother over house in evening.
outbursts? apparently anger overload. assumedly too much noise, or food guilt, or both? mother literally would not stop talking, followed us around the whole house talking, we couldn't even eat because she'd walk over and stand in front of us and chatter no matter where we moved.
someone stomped the floor at one point, foot hurts a lot.
first memory picks up AFTER that all ended, and mother is gone. no surprise.
in any case, bad food, got very sick. we are definitely allergic/intolerant to peanuts in some way, they make the body extremely sick, every time.
later, watched ted. scared to at first (we dislike R movies, as well as "adult" humor) but we mainly wanted to see how "typical media" handled such a concept.
shock of "some people out there actually live like that"
made us very sick at some points.
after movie, in light of recent events… inspiration from hotel fight scene, laurie beating up jay.
"I'm doing this because I love you" legitimacy, from her it actually is valid. I think jay asked her to as well? she's been refusing lately but something just snapped tonight.
really terrible because it is IN THE DIALOGUE after they beat the shit out of each other
and it's the ONLY time in the whole damn film that they SAY this to each other:
"I'm so sorry Johnny."
"So am I, man."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Listen. You gotta let me help you make things with you and Lori."
"There's no putting things right; she f*ckin' hates me."
"No, John, we could get her back."
it was a direct shot to the heart, point blank, in the most unexpected place
and our laurie jumped on that and that's essentially what happened with us too.
remind me to write about that somehow, please, i dont know how but i have to.
after all that was the first time I could see her face in months.
very very sick at night from the food, scared. talked to boss for a while, cz wouldn't leave our side. said he'd help. apparently he did. there is logged, there was a moment of real solid peace, intuitively understood the "say yes to suffering in order to transcend it" paradox, going to hold on to that. huge relief to finally "get" that again.
lastly. in church, realized system map is actually 3D and we got the flowchart wrong. there's horizontal and vertical. it really is a lotus. need to draw it, modeling ideal though.
very excited over this. feels real inside again, tuning back in to us.


sunday=
woke up, nightmares again. felt like something is getting to me, trying to make me forget good dreams, haunting me
almost no memory of morning? highly dissociated, felt very sick still.
chaos was very sad? not sure why? whoever woke up didn't even acknowledge him or something, snubbed him, I don't know. but he was tangibly concerned, pained.
shopping. for food, really dumb idea in retrospect (obligatory food) but it happened.
synchronicity in car already. music.
"here I am with open arms" played, remembered how that somehow ended up as one of ryman's songs, wondering on the lyrics. fighting more shame and self-loathing there.
"got to be real," after wondering w/ genesis. song felt yellow too.
afternoon: laurie and sandman trying to manage eating disorder
main problem: typically it's done by the A.P. to avoid experiencing the actual process
eating is often disturbing and disorienting; by running it through the A.P. the dissociation allows for experience of colors and textures but not of the actual 'eating' bit. this also plays into the "don't swallow anything" compulsion as well as the purging; "eating" is actually not the intended goal here
sandman realizing that the more scared a damaged/ child fronter gets, EVEN from being "yelled at" in discipline, or being spoken to very sternly/ angrily, feeds feelings of potent fear and confusion and self-loathing; that alter will dissociate and keep doing harmful things because THE MESSAGE DIDN'T REGISTER DUE TO THE FEAR. they keep pushing through waiting for a NON-SCARY response and the reason they don't stop on their own is because they are doing the best they can at the moment, according to what they understand. they don't realize they're doing anything wrong. but they also will not listen when someone yells at them "stop that!" because they don't know how to cope with that sort of behavior and will literally block it out and continue. it's confusing but we've been trying to put this into words for ages.
also, sherlock very angry with razwell. first time he's been directly communicated with for an extended time.
razwell is weird because he's been around for YEARS but he's always been in that weird "floating room" that the "good floating voices" are usually in? hyakinth is there sometimes, still no clue why. no clue who those people are, they don't feel too "nice" they're too businesslike? but they aren't malevolent, not actively at least. anyway razwell holds "obligatory/forced humor," which is the kind of shit that you hear in the "adult world" or at school and you learn to laugh at it even if it's not funny at all, even if it's rude or scary or wrong, because you "should laugh" and that shit. but we know its shit now. sorry for the language. and razwell knows it too. he'll laugh, forced and too loud, manic almost, at the "bad jokes" just like the mother does. but then he'll start sobbing in frustration now. he's never done that before. he realizes his job is forced and void of self and i think it's getting to him. it would be nice to get him on our side. he's yellow too, maybe that's tied into this
anyway that was today.
now I'm updating




There are things after me. Bad things. I know this for sure.
I've accepted that this sounds crazy, even from me. But it's true.
That's one thing I'm thankful for, about headspace. It's taught me a lot, it's allowed me to understand a lot more than I otherwise would have. And maybe all this really is just "in my head." But that's real enough. That's real enough, good and bad. Microcosms and macrocosms, you know.
Anyway. In light of this I want to apologize, again, for the entries that have been happening here for the past few months, if not longer. You know, how everything's been so bloody bitter and angry and negative. Yes, it's good to let stuff out instead of letting it rot. But did you notice, all of this stuff is ANCIENT? Every single "bad" entry we get is old stuff. It's circular. Because the old stuff, in and of its existence, is separate from its healing. And we HAVE healed it. It's just… we're looking at it too much in a straight line. And we're all, all of us inside, walking that road at different speeds. A lot of us are past the old stuff, way forwards in the healing point, the end of that awful road, we're free, we're done with it… but we keep wandering back, either to help other people, or because of doubt or second-guessing, or because of God knows what. And when we do walk all the way back, it's like time travel. We're mired in that all over again.
It's toxic. It's dangerous. So… I don't want to post anything like that here, any more. No more rants. No more negative mindspills. From now on if anyone in the System wants to do that, we had better figure out WHY, and then just sit and listen to them for heaven's sakes, talk to them, HEAL this instead of just dissociating and letting programming or the A.P. run its course blindly.

Headspace IS our saving grace, however inelegant that original word for us may be… and I've come to realize, very strongly, in recent weeks, just how blessed we are to have ourselves. To be ourself. It's been the best thing we have, as a person, as an individual.
The Leagueworlds are their own thing. The whole "bridge the gap" bit… I think was too dichotomous. Yes, we can't be an "individual" while we're tuned in to the Leaguestuff because we CAN'T be in that state, that's how creativity and inspiration works. There's no "gap," there's just a shifting of vision. That's it! We're still here, they're still here, it's fine. And we CAN talk to each other, outside of landlocked timelines, which are like that for integrity's sake and that's important too.


I'm kind of excited now… that's not quite the right word, but it fits well enough for now. Hopeful? Grateful? Looking forward, but being happy of where we are now.
I remember what our old entries were like. Not all of them were good, absolutely not. But there were a lot more System-based entries in the past, than there have been recently. Not all of those entries were good either-- there are a few where, looking back on them, I can remember how uncomfortable we were writing them because we knew something wasn't right, even though we had just experienced something inside it felt wrong somehow, fallacious, illusory. Like the truth had been temporarily twisted, like a bad dream, from what we were letting infect our mind at the time. Headspace is fluid, and it's very easy to be led astray if you're not paying attention. There's a certain feeling to watch for, when it's real, and another one, when it's not… intuition has been sharpening a lot over the years, and I can differentiate now. It's very, very important.

What I'm trying to say is, I know what we have to do. It's all little things, little victories and things, just small lights going on. Some of it is going to take a hell of a lot of iron willpower, because there ARE nasty forces trying very hard to stop us, and twist us up, and basically screw up our progress. To be blunt, we've been weak in the willpower department lately. There's been a pervading numbness and doubt and tiredness, and it's made us so unsure of ourselves that we haven't been fighting.
Well, no more. No more.

Our edges are important.
That's something I keep forgetting.
There's an audio file on Mitchell from 2013 about that… it's beautiful and I should upload it somewhere. I should transcribe it tonight.
But… it's one of those files that means a lot to listen to, because there's so much heartfelt sincerity in it. Not all of it is, again. At times the speaker begins slipping and trying too hard but they NOTICE that and stop talking. Still… it's audible, when the things they are saying are coming from their heart. And that hits a high point near the end of the file, when the speaker begins talking about just how thankful they are for those in the System, in the "coregroup," so to speak… how thankful they were for the bright and dark sides of those beloved souls, for their softness and their edges, for all that they were.

I'm rambling now too. I apologize. This is a bit of a "non-person" state; it feels contrived and I apologize.
However. That point is important.
Edges. Sharp bits. Laurie's blades. Genesis's teeth. Infinitii's burning shade. Chaos's being. Everything about us that seems dark and terrible and damnable, everything we've tried to scrub out, too many times, without lasting success… all of that. It's important. It's blessed too. IF IT'S USED AS SUCH.
And THAT'S the vital point we keep forgetting.
There's a quote we should print out… how anything, ANYTHING, can be "sacred of profane" depending on how it is handled, on whether or not the spirit moves into it, fully and aware, when that thing is experienced.
The Light can use the Dark just as well for its own purposes, so to speak, and I think it's because when the Light moves into something, it completely changes the nature of the thing. If the thing It moved into was truly evil or bad, guess what? That Light will melt it down. That Light will completely erase it. I know. It's happened to me.
And that's the thing. Anyone who tells us, "it's neutral, who cares!" doesn't understand that well enough. At least, not the ones who spoke to us.
I'm not going to start rambling about that again. Point is, we get it. We always DID understand what WE need to do, what's right for us, what we REALLY need/ want/ are looking for, et cetera ad infinitum. WE KNOW OURSELVES.
We have to stop letting other people define us on a whim. We have to start standing up for ourselves again. We have to start being warriors again-- and that term does not mean to be wantonly violent, or cruel. A warrior is power, used rightly. A warrior is truth and strength and unflinching integrity. A warrior has compassion that does not let itself be stepped on. I know exactly what it is.

I find it very important, hugely important, that yesterday Josephina finally started the Yellow Realms. He (ze? I should ask about pronouns again really) was distraught about how Yellow was, for a very long time, a negative color for us. I'm not sure when it started, but as of late that hue has been mostly toxic. And Jo has been slipping, numbing, calcifying, probably worse than ANYONE else as of late… and, shockingly, it's been glossed over, because 1) he hasn't been around much, which ties into 2) he's been getting like this more and more for a while now. And, awfully, I think we all just chalked it up to "Yellow problems" and shoved our anxiety about it under the rug.
No. No. We will not gloss over a System member's health anymore, ever, for any reason. If there's an infected or sick Color, we heal it. If there's a person who's like that, or worse, then for God's sake we HELP them as much as we possibly can, as earnestly and absolutely as we possibly can.

That's what I miss about the old entries. Most of the Xangas, a lot of the Glissando entries. Everything that resonated within. Everything that attested to the reality of us, of our System, of our community… and I know I keep saying that but we've been falling back out of doubt or shame or loathing or fear.
No more of that. No more of that, ever. We can't afford to be divided against our own heart anymore. We cannot afford to fight our own existence anymore, just because someone else convinced us we should be doing so.

I'm going to take a break from the Internet totally for a while, I think.
We've been warming up to that lately. We've all but quit Tumblr (hackers started using it so we flat-out avoided it immediately after we caught them), and it's a huge relief, for many reasons. We honestly don't use any other website anymore, haha. So that's good.
But. I think the more time we spend offline now, the better. The Internet has been a sort of ailment for us, for a while. Yes it's been helpful, but more often than not, it's been a jail cell. It's been a chain on our ankles. It's thrown obligations and fears and performances onto our shoulders and NONE of it is necessary, and right now we're just throwing all these metal restraints off into the corner and walking away. It's freeing.
We have too much to do, to waste our time trying to impress/ entertain others and then wish "we could do more." It's easy. Stop wasting our time.



I'm really trying too hard here. I've got to stop typing "to an audience" because then it feels artificial and overly structured and forced.

All right, bullet list.

- Our "dark" sides are important, because they include our sharper parts that can STILL be used for Good IF we are wise and loving about it. There is NOTHING "inherently evil" about our rougher edges if they are handled with wisdom and care. By the same token, even something we view as "totally good" CAN be used for evil IF the usage of it is motivated by such. Be careful. Don't think too hard. Talking too much just confuses everyone.
- Josephina has the spotlight on him right now. So does Yellow in general. Help him, learn from him, this is big.
- Don't let them touch you. EVER. Laurie and Chaos WILL help you.
- Stay offline as much as possible. You know how toxic things can be.
- Don't go down any rabbit holes. Don't get lost in old tangles. If someone else in the System is, help them out. Help them heal.
- Stay aware of what you've learned. Don't let blind obligations or imitations or shit get to you and lead you astray. You know what we need to do, and what it is unwise to do, and what it is harmful to do. Don't listen to anyone who screams at you. BE WISE. Ask inside.
- Stop writing and reading bad entries. STOP.
- Write/print out ALL healing revelations and lessons and refer back to those when people feel confused or lost or doubtful. STAY AWARE. REMEMBER. STAY AWAKE.


stop trying so hard. you don't need to impress anyone. glitz and glamour will get you nowhere.

be sincere. be purely joyful and childlike if that is truly your shine. don't let anyone shame you for it. tune back into the truest parts of us and don't ever lose sight of those colors ever again.


simeon:
hi.
jay is in love again. :) that's really happy. i'm happy too.
I'm not upstairs but its nice when people care about esach other.
it makes me feel really nice.
okay bye<3


hey on that, sorry he jumped in. there's a feeling of embarrassment in here still when people come un unannounced to talk or type. it seems "fake" but then we can't delete it, that's rude, it's offensive actually.

but it's true. it's currently at a point where… everything upstairs is so real that even WHEN there are doubts, horrible doubts, they just dissipate on contact. it’s like… I can be in the same room as crushing doubt now, and see it as totally baseless. it has no merit now. THAT'S where we are. that's how genuine this is right now.
I literally cannot, cannot remember the last time things were this solid. it's amazing.
it's different in a way. the atmosphere is different. nicer, calmer, a little more blue-green. but different. things are becoming clearer, coming together better.
we are really, really learning a LOT as a System. not just the pentagape people.
simeon's right. it feels really nice.


okay headspace movie week is still on and this film has about 30 minutes to go yet so we're off. sorry about how disjointed this entry feels. I'll review it later but for now I just need this posted or it's going to just sit here.

dishonored 2 was just announced I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THIS that game has had a huge impact on us too, this is great, that was one heck of a boost of optimism to our night.

tomorrow is therapy. goal right now is= heal those who are yet unhealed.
she said that is definitely possible, always, even for those like ashen, who are covered in scars. we said then let's do that, let's start this process, let's heal it all.
we're being so open and honest in sessions, we've never been so absolutely uninhibited before, I have to thank cannon and hatchet for that really they're incredibly brave and brazen, we need that.
this is real progress. THIS is real progress. speaking up, and being honest, and not shoving things under the rug, and not trying to be something we're not, or can't be. THIS is progress.
forgiveness is progress too.
we're capable. we've done it. we just have to shake off the dust on our shoulders.
we are who we choose to be.

Good evening. This is Mulberry Delta. I've asked Sherlock, Laurie, and the full cast of Retributors if I may write tonight's update in their place, for the sake of the responsibility I feel towards them and cannot otherwise act upon.
There was a hack tonight. That is the most outstanding and direct detail. Garrison and the other Archivists have details but I choose not to look at them; that is not for me to know and I feel it would be rather disturbing to me.
I have a candle lit. I like to light them when things like this occur, as they give me a feeling of peace and prayer. With a candle burning, I feel we have a vigil of hope.
Atonement has resumed. Sherlock says there were "heartfelt thoughts" concerning that topic earlier this evening, when Jay was driving home from what is described as a rather synchronistic grocery outing.

Let me resume the main topic, forgive me. Sherlock is handing me the data so it may be a little choppy.
…This pains me to type. Simeon was screaming, with tears. It shocks me that he was the one to carry the consequences instead of Jeremiah. …Garrison says that was possibly on purpose, as Jeremiah was badly disturbed last night? I do not know how, but they claim he was badly shaken up early this morning and that event was extremely painful emotionally for the rest of us to become aware of. As I know Simeon is a very selfless and kindhearted boy, it does not surprise me to think that he would take on that pain in his stead, to spare him extra shock and fear, but it still hurts my heart to think that he, a child, would have to do such a thing in the first place. This is why I am glad that my friends, the Retributors, are "back in business." They bring a light and a purifying force of intention into these nights where there would otherwise be none.

Razor was the first to pick up a blade (our only new ones, courtesy of Wreckage). It surprised whoever saw her (I do believe it was Laurie; she was present almost immediately for the sake of keeping things coherent), and there was a question of "are you sure?" but Razor insisted yes, "she had a job to do" and continued. This personally surprises me, as earlier this year she was hellbent on not being a retributor anymore. She currently adds that she "had a change of heart," though.
Knife must have been the second, as there's a strong amount of responsibility surrounding him concerning this incident. None of it is negative, I must emphasize. The retributive half of this event was purely beneficial.
Knife's reaction is the most strongly recorded as well, "emblazoned" in the records. Upon seeing the blood notes on the body, painted by his sister, he apparently picked up the blade and decided to follow suit, re-taking up his original role in camaraderie with her. Immediately after seeing how easily and cleanly this new blade cut, and how quickly the blood sprang up and out, he smiled and began to laugh and cry. One line that was recorded is, "this was my purpose." He was sobbing with a sort of heart-wrenching gratitude the entire time. However, the most surprising aspect of his actions was that, when cleaning out the first rush of purified blood, his first and immediate instinct was to place the cloth in his mouth. We had no idea what he was doing at first, or why the motion had been so strongly instinctive, but then it registered-- he is a vampire, after all. Nevertheless we had never known why he had manifested as one, other than through his retributive connection to blood as a whole, so this was intriguing, especially since it was not motivated by "hunger" but rather by some vague sort of affection. Why this is, we do not yet know. Nevertheless we had to kindly chide him not to actually ingest any blood as we went along, as he was in a very emotionally sensitive state and so that impulse was equally strong.
The third person to appear was Algorith, who was mainly wishing aloud that she wouldn't have to "clean up" after anyone, as her first and only previous experience with that was painful enough for her to not want to relive it ever again. She cut a few scars, but not much is recorded for her. She, however, did comment that "Simeon was in the body" trying to keep her from harming it, due to a childlike dislike of pain. Data is vague but I do believe she gently but briefly explained her motivations to him, for which he moved aside.
The fourth person to appear was Sugar, rather suddenly as someone was cleaning the blood off the arms. She was "triggered" by the image of it on the cloth, surprisingly, as the pattern was strongly similar to that of her face "tattoos," all graceful delicate dots and lines. Garrison says that data, stored through her awareness, didn't register as blood at all, but instead as a "butterfly-esque" work of art, in terms of fragile beauty? That is interesting, thank you.
The fifth last person to appear, and the one who left the strongest energy residue in the body, was Wreckage. Sherlock says there's "no clear data" for a lot of this, as the event wasn't focused on archiving, but rather on immediately living in focus. So we're simply recording this for posterity, as they say, not for literal accuracy. Just a reminder.
Wreckage was angry, but she burns her anger in a condensed way, very differently from Laurie would in the same situation. So her main concern was how "ferocious" the hack had been, who was responsible, and how we could prevent this in the future. Sorry, the body is becoming very tired from stress shutdown so I may have to summarize this. Wreckage speaks "through her teeth," in a sense, as hers are very large and they give her a very identifiable speaking style when fronting. That was recorded clearly. The energy overlay of her claws was too, as she was momentarily distressed that she did not have them, instead owning only blunt fingers in this body. She insisted that she cut at least one scar, to "share in the responsibility" as a fellow Retributor, especially since she felt she should have detected and stopped this hack before it happened (something that likely would have been near-impossible in this situation). There's a data picture of her using the blade as a claw, saying she would "only cut a small one," and then there's a very strong string of data of her actually cutting a rather deep scar on the arm. Laurie jumped up in shock, asking her why she was being so ferocious about it, but Wreckage said it could have been much deeper, and besides, she felt it was more 'reverent' to be that deliberate, in light of the situation's gravity. Laurie agreed, and Knife also sided with Wreckage's sentiments.
The last clear data we have of Wreckage is of her cleaning up the blood and, upon seeing it slightly 'clot' upon drying, thinking it was Tar. Understandably she demanded an explanation, and then also asked if it was healthy for Knife to be wanting to ingest it if it was indeed so corrupted. Surprisingly, at these questions, Infinitii showed up. He said that, upon being 'bled out' into the air, the "red energy" was purified of Tar, hence why the atonement was needed. However he and Laurie then told Knife that the human body could not eat blood anyway, so it would be wise for him to not do that so eagerly. I do believe there was also a comment about there still being a risk of corruption as far as motives were concerned? Like, if Knife ate too much of the atoned blood, it would be akin to eating a "sacrifice," therefore being spiritually unhealthy. Apparently his small, oddly reverent actions of consuming it earlier were perfectly safe and allowed, especially in light of whatever their function was.

Julie showed up sometime during all this, furious and in tears, perfectly understandably. The thought that the same thing that had used her was still using us, and harming children as a result, was enough to make her blood boil. Sherlock says she asked Laurie, somewhat accusingly, "why she wasn't so angry too," and Laurie notably commented that Julie felt anger because she understood what it was like to endure such events, from a very direct perspective, and that if she were to empathize with the wounded that directly, it would probably emotionally destroy her. Laurie, however, could not understand that side of this situation, ever-- her very function of existence negates it. However, her function also includes her bearing the pain of others on an empathetic level, so she was able to feel the heartbreak and crushing sorrow that the wounded might be too scared or numb or furious to feel on their own. They both react with anger towards the hackers, and they both want to heal the hurt and prevent future pain, but they both feel and show it in very different ways.

Dread, the "dead red boy" (he seems to have temporarily chosen this name), was our main intermittent fronter for this whole thing. Healthily, he feels things "neutrally": without labeling them as 'good' or 'bad.' So he was able to simply 'exist in the moment' even as the Retributors were dealing with hack fallout all around him. Dread does not seem to feel any emotions, but again, this is not apathy, it is simply a sort of neutral zone. Unfortunately this peace only occurs in equally peaceful situations as of yet. Dread can and does still front in situations were emotions would be more traumatic than numbness, such as last night, but his 'neutrality' in those events is tinged with a very real feeling of fear, that functions as a sort of danger siren. After all, it is not healthy to endure such events for longer than is demanded or unavoidable, as we have learned from past failures. Thankfully Dread is not an apathetic fronter, so he does not do this. He recognizes and accepts the background fear that called him out, and so even though he will bear that in lieu of the pain of others, he will not stay longer than he must.

Jay is a little scared by all the cuts on the body, as he is the one who has to deal with them at night (I honestly haven't noticed them the entire time I've been typing; perhaps others are prevented from feeling that if they aren't tied to it?), but he has already emphasized rather sincerely that "he loves all of us," even in the wake of such an event, and he "hoped that love counted for something." Laurie insisted that it did, more than he knew, especially in light of what had just happened. I have to say I agree with her; having our core react with compassion and love for the entire System regardless of current pain, instead of regret or hate or anger or fear, seems to hold things together no matter what happens. I think we'll heal faster from this too. It is somewhat shocking to me even now, to see that the hack itself hasn't left much of a mark at all, at least not noticeably, as it is being drowned out by the collective hope and companionship and healing we've all endeavored to bring out in its wake.

Oh! One last note, this was just forwarded to me by Jay. Apparently Razor has decided that working with crayons might be her artistic outlet in lieu of cutting things? Someone used them as a "stress outlet" on… Sunday, Sherlock says? That entire day is noted as "very interesting," as there was a great deal of color synaesthesia tied to emotions and fronters? Something along those lines, but I'm being told not to write about that here. You'll have to be patient then.

I suppose that is all I have to say tonight. Sherlock says that'll do for now, thank you for helping me by the way.
Jay has a lot to say about "Outspacers" and System maps in the near future? He's apparently been working a lot with both of those topics lately, which is good to hear. We've been a bit of a mess since December, to paraphrase Laurie as of late. She took it harder than any of us, it seems.

Garrison wants me to add that the hackers are as of yet unidentified, and that they are still using positivity as weapons against us? It's difficult to type, this must be a touchy topic. Laurie says "of course it is, they've been using this to keep him and Chaos apart for years." I'll leave that as-is, I'm sure that says enough about the problem on its own without me going into details. It is a serious problem though, that needs to be emphasized above all else. "It needs to stop," at all costs.

Lastly, there is apparently a "newly manifested" voice in the Crimson slot, who is apparently the "splinter of Razor" that Knife has been suspecting since last year?? I was not aware of this. Apparently she was splitting on her anchor and that could not be reconciled, so she went through a time period of "mental division" similar to how Sugar did, until a color slot opened up that matched that "new person" so they could break of and become their own person? I'm sorry, this is a bit overwhelming but that's what I've got in terms of data here. Sherlock, take over for me.
All right. You'll all know, Sugar was badly split for several months in terms of her anchor, also because several faceless voices were sharing that same anchor at the time. We've pinpointed that Wreckage was the latest and last person to show up from that string of individuals, and she has officially "taken over" Sugar's original chosen anchor, that of violent rage towards those who would use Pink energy (affection, childlike sweetness) for lurid and otherwise harmful purposes. That's the short version. However, Razor was also conflicted because she originally shared her very consciousness with Cannon, as well as the Tar, back when the BLC was first discovered. When she became her own person, that anchor had not changed, but her personality no longer matched it. So she appears to have been in a similar state to that of Sugar for quite some time now, and as of today we finally have conclusive evidence of there being a Crimson-slot voice (now that Eros is confirmed demanifested) that holds the exact personality break Razor had been shifting to and from during her Tar-tied days. I hope that's not all hopeless jargon to the lot of you. Nevertheless, yes, this was a sort of "aha" moment for me, as I recognize this energy and I do wish to write about this in the future when it is not midnight and the body is not desperately trying to recover from blood loss and toxic food and lack of sleep. I apologize for that.

The green "oni girl" is indeed still alive as well, she is not a Retributor, but rather a sort of Protector. However she is still nameless and is not yet able to interact with headspace without glitching out, as her anchor is still rooted Downstairs. We will be trying to work with her more in the near future as well.
The "Victorian Pink" girl's name is confirmed to be Ashen, as it stuck.
"Pinstripe," aka Jayce, is still an anomaly in terms of color and function, for the record. He may be a Sub of Brown, Aqua, or White at this point.
And of course the Outspacer phenomenon is being duly studied by Jay, as any and all concrete data on it now will greatly aid all of us in understanding how the Spectum lineup works a little better.

That is all for tonight, I believe we have spoken enough. Thank you in turn, Mulberry, for your assistance and dedication to your job. I am honored and grateful to have you as my assistant, and as a dear friend.

Have a good night, as Jay would say.

-Sherlock
- Mulberry Delta

 

 

 

 

Well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to update.
I'm listening to some binaural beats right now to calm me down; the body's been unsettlingly off-kilter for the past week or two and already I'm feeling massive calmness from this (thanks theta waves, haha). So if I fall asleep while typing this up you will have to forgive me.

Anyway. First things first. I last updated here on the 10th, and I remember little concrete events since then, so let me just do a stream-of-consciousness list for whatever comes to mind.

Last Tuesday, I tried to update here, but failed due to stress overload. All I recorded was, "some thermophobic kid was out today-- TERRIFIED of heat." This is true; for some reason, the temperature was around 60 degrees Fahrenheit that day, and the moment it registered there was a full-out, hysteric panic attack.
When we got home the fear subsided entirely, which was bizarre. Also odd was the fact that, at that same time, I realized that I have no memories of what summer is like. None! I have the vague factual awareness that the trees and grass will get green and dark and the birds will be singing and flowers will be blooming, and it will be warm. But that's literally a snapshot data piece. All the "summer memories" of the past are rather buried, and feel negative. That's probably where this scared kid gets it. But that's new, and weird, because I literally have never seen summer and so I'm curious. Jewel says it's great, so I trust her. She loves summer, I love winter. It works out!
Also on Tuesday, there was an important note saying there was an overpowering feeling of sorrow, and being furiously frustrated over feeling "unable to express it," effectively driving that person to tears from the lack of catharsis. "That person" feels like Overload, and probably was (she deals with those sorts of sensations). Regardless that feeling has persisted on and off until today, and we're all working together sincerely to try and heal that, as it is obviously the main thing making us sick! Everything has internal roots so we are in the ideal position to fix those things, haha.

Last Thursday was Xenophon's 3rd birthday! Unfortunately my memory is shot so I remember little of it, but I can tell you this-- we made her extremely purple kale soup (purple kale, purple carrots, purple shallots, also tons of parsley) as it's her favorite food, she followed me around driving for the day, and I know we did something else but it's escaping me right now. Nevertheless I've been spending time with her whenever she wishes to, and when I'm mentally able.

On that note, we've taken to doing our nightly indoor walks again, with the old iPod on, as they are perfect for everyone just getting together and talking, or simply meditating when headspace isn't busy, or not accessible. They help a lot in terms of stability, too, as they're our only real "safe quiet time" during the day. However I mention them here because there are small but notable connections and interactions within the System every night we are tuned into those walks, so even if I can't "summarize" them here I can say with certainty that those little honest times are helping foster more community between us all. I think this sort of thing started in December, notably with this lovely night, and that was so significant to us all that we try to have similar times whenever possible now. In short the little things matter most.

I took out His Dark Materials from the library on Tuesday, so I will likely spend tomorrow writing down all the bookmarked passages I have for it, and then constructing a relevant entry around those IF needed. You know how quickly things change up here; what is still applicable will be discussed, what is not will not be. Nevertheless the experiences of reading the book need to be written down so an entry will happen either way.

I am currently playing this song on loop with the pitch dropped by 5 semitones, and it is great. I'm currently going through my mother's entire music library (so many CDs) and I stumbled across that one, so there you go. We're saving up for a new iPod as Razia is pretty shot at this point, but he still plays music! He's survived so much since 2010 (cross-country trips, being lost outside for several months, etc.) that I honestly have to applaud his hardiness. He's a tough little thing.

That creepy "clawteeth" voice from the 4th found her name: it's Wreckage. When feeling for it I kept getting the impression of "shambles," "ruins," etc. as well as a visual of destroyed buildings and scattered bones, but no letters. Then a day or two later I hit on the letter "w" which was weird as the sound I was getting was "r," like in the word "wrath" or "wreak." So I was fumbling about those two words until she essentially walked up to me during one of those times and said her name was Wreckage. Her color is also confirmed gold.
She reminds me vaguely of Spine in that she's powerful and gangly-thin, with an elongated head, but that's about it? Really she looks like she stepped out of the OFF game. I can't quite see her eyes yet, but she has this huge thin clawed fingers, as well as a mouth full of thin, sharp protruding teeth (hence her initial 'nickname'). She doesn't have a tail and I can't tell if she has horns on her head or not; there's something in the back I think but again, she's vague. She has thin sand-colored skin that looks like bleached leather stretched thin over her skeleton, hard to explain... she's wiry but it's like a compressed spring in that sense. She's all taut muscles and tightly bound power, wrapped around a skeletal frame. But, despite looking like she crawled out of a nightmare, she is a very benevolently-motivated individual (obviously as she's a Retributor). She's just like Laurie was at first: "I have an important job to do, and if you hinder me, I will show you no mercy."

Sylvain's brother is named Simeon. He's the little vanilla-colored boy that updates online whenever there's bad fronting fallout and we need someone to hold things together while we recuperate. That name had strong attachments to the color ages ago, and he said it fit when I asked him earlier this week. He's nowhere near as depressive as his brother could get, but no one yet understands the relationship between them both. Were they two halves of one entity? Did Sylvain "reset" after the massacre, or did his identity start "shifting" after the unwritten events of this day (in which he fronted and was terrified, surrounded by negative voices)? What exactly went on there? We have no answers yet but digging for them feels counterproductive, like we're trying too hard. So we'll just let that be for now, and be grateful for this kid in any case; he's a sweetheart.

I also haven't told you guys how flat-out awesome Minty is! She's actually been checking on me every night now for a few weeks now, before I go see my boss and then collapse into my room in headspace. We sleep holding a white Care Bear plush downstairs, since Minty issues plush bears specifically as "messengers" to protect or guard people when she can't-- almost like little fluffy angels. They have no will of their own, existing for that purpose of guarding others, and are effectively minor mental extensions of "the bear" more than anything. He still has no name either, but he's looking for it-- it starts with a "Br" and we think it has two syllables, that's all we can catch right now though. However he qualifies as a Protector, not a Retributor, and Minty is his 'apprentice' in that respect. She's really good at it, which now that I think about it, is likely because she's energetic and small and can run about other levels of headspace, whereas I have never seen The Bear leave the Underground. He sticks to the shadows and catacombs, staying away even from the windows. I don't know why-- he's not scared, he just stays hidden, or feels he has to for some reason? And he doesn't talk to people much, at all; again, he lets Minty pass along the messages. However, lately he has spoken to me here and there, so I got a better look at him than before-- and holy geez he's one creepy dude. I don't know if you remember his debut dream (with Laurie), but apparently yeah, he still has that big gaping maw of teeth split straight across his face, except he also has another one straight down the middle. It is WEIRD. But is is REALLY COOL. So yeah bear-dude has two mouths that intersect at the top like some kinda sandworm and it is boss

Last week we had to pick the mother up from work at 11PM so we were out driving in the dark for about 20 minutes and the "airport guy" came out fronting?? He was TALKING, he knew about the rest of us, he hasn't done that or showed his face since this day which was a very long time ago. But, he did show up in a dream last year, during a time period when we thought he had faded out, and I got this odd impression that his "ghost" (pre-manifested; he still has no face upstairs) was hanging around Sergei and Hyakin a few months ago? Either way I guess his anchor was stronger than we realized-- those memories of the sense of open-air adventure, of the literal airports and planes from 2012, are some of the only concrete first-person memories we have of that entire year. The man's got good roots, I guess he was just suppressed for ages because we haven't had that feeling of total "run out the front door and see what's out there" freedom since 2012. But with all the traveling we've been doing lately for therapy and things, I guess he's getting more energy coming in now, which is great. I tend to forget anchors work that way. Plus I don't like 'losing' people who have strongly stated their existence at least once, either in headspace or in the League, so I was honestly hoping we'd see him again, and that he'd stick around.
Similarly, the GMQ trio is still alive, but they're all slipping badly, and the last time they were out the Queen was missing. Their main concern is, rather tragically, "who are we, really?" What are our anchors? Why do we exist? What is our purpose? You get the idea. But they haven't found answers yet, and it's taking its toll on them. I don't know if I can offer any help as they are technically socials, and therefore do not have faces in headspace (they cannot be talked to unless you're fronting with them, which is very difficult since faceless fronting is head-based). Either way it hurts to see such existential struggle there. I'll keep you posted on that I suppose.

Speaking of therapy, Jewel and Sherlock have been keeping things together. Mostly we've just been data-dumping for the sake of coherence so nothing really 'new' has happened since our last recap. They've been the only two fronters for the most part, with a few tiny exceptions that I'm aware of-- last Tuesday, Wreckage came out for a moment? She was listening soberly and somewhat contritely to the therapist explaining something about retributive behavior-- I have no idea what it was, but regardless, listening to both her and Jewel beforehand had enough of an effect to get Wreckage to apologize to us (for her brutal debut), and start working with us firsthand. Which is incredible really; she's the main chthonic Protector, and is massively powerful. So of course she and Laurie are working together already. We'll talk more about that later.

Thursday-- yesterday-- was one of the most interesting therapy sessions ever. It started with Jewel, then Sherlock came out to talk data, but as he was revisiting old, dangerous thought processes in order to correct them, Laurie decided she needed to talk. I have one split-second data memory of that actually-- when people really want to front, there's this sudden painful tug at the heart center, physically as well as emotionally, and that hurts! It's an empathetic sort of shock that says, "hey, I really need to get out there." So the biggest switches are typically preceded by those. Anyway, then there was Laurie. The therapist caught on that it was her as soon as she spat out the word "bullshit" in response to those thought patterns-- which took a few minutes actually, as Laurie is actively trying to swear less. I don't know what they discussed but I know it had to do with me and I know it was important. But then, JULIE came out! All I know is that Laurie was trying to say when these negative responses had originated, and Julie realized she was the only person at all who could discuss them, so Laurie politely moved aside and let Julie phase in. That's odd to look back on-- I have no firsthand accessible memory of her there, but I can hear the "vibe" of her voice and that's both lovely and sad, to me.
Julie left after about two minutes and then Sherlock was back, somewhat frazzled but smiling, and tried to get a grip on the situation. However I have a very strong, very surreal "memo" sort of data note that INFINITII tried to talk. Just barely. But Sherlock paused and waited, let hir say a sentence or two, then reverently moved back and continued speaking. Again, no idea what ze said, or why, but that is the FIRST TIME ze's come out in a public situation so that's major... which is made even more incredible by the fact that Garrison was the next person to come out. I told you it was an amazing session! All I know about Garrison's fronting is that he sits quite straight, very focused, and his speech pattern is somewhat constricted? Like it feels "rectangular," if that makes sense. Sherlock doesn't; he's too much of a library, so it's broad. Garrison is very precise. Which is super cool. Anyway I know Jewel came out to close the session, being utterly dazed and not even trying to guess what had just happened, but then... Josephina showed up. Yes, he did. I am vaguely embarrassed but laughing at that fact, because Jo's presence is unmistakable, both because of his vocal register and his super-bright demeanor. Again, that's the second time Jo's ever come out in public-- with the first time only being back in January or so (he was out for a round of DDR at the movies, with the brother, which shocked all of us), so that's quite a quick and daring step forward! That really makes me smile to see.
Xenophon accompanied me for the drive home, which took about four hours-- apparently there was a lot of shopping to do and I remember very little of it outside of momentary snapshots. My only clear memory is around 3PM, driving all the way across town to return a store, and listening to my old Orson CD from beginning to end at Xenophon's request (she absolutely adores it). I know fronting was super-blurry because I can't deal with physical 'exuberance' well, which means trying to sing or talk animatedly or otherwise socialize will kick me out and get a Downstairs person in (I'm internally-rooted so that's still quite difficult for me).
In all honesty the rest of Thursday is a total blur, except for the fact that there was a lot of agitated discussion and action concerning the eating disorder voices, not sure how far that went. We're still working to try and manage that, which is getting a little easier now that we know of (hopefully) everyone tied to it, and Emmett is now OFFICIALLY the main eating dude now (he was pushed out for a while and that was catastrophic). Javier also helps a lot, thankfully, as he's one of the only three or so people who can order the Downstairs fronters to do anything he asks, including (most often) stopping an abusive meltdown or programmed behavior on a dime, something we all previously struggled to do even with extensive persuasion. Javier carries a lot of authority, being the Central Red holder, and he knows that so he uses it wisely and well.
In any case that guy feels insanely important, but smothered by some sort of fog. The Red slot has always been vital, and Javier has a ton of potential and ability that we are all very aware of, but he (and Spine!) keep getting overlooked. That is worrisome.
On that note, Javier and Waldorf are now apparently BFFS, they're both working with Spine as well, and I also saw Javier talking to Nathaniel with surprising sincerity yesterday? In any case, the guy is definitely taking direct action to fixing his "left out" problem.
The Spectrum told us, very clearly, that Spine is just as important. She belongs in the Brown Central slot, whether she feels she fits the bill or not. But the more we learn, the more we realize that is very true. All of us are important. We don't give ourselves enough credit.

 

Oh! Thanks to being inspired by those binaural beats, I just stumbled across this article, purely by "coincidence," and it is absolutely full of personal relevance. Definitely going to review that with everyone else; we need to make sure the correct thought processes take root, instead of all the old blackened brittle stuff. Sweep out the cobwebs and put up the crystal really.

The Tar still feels like spiders crawling around inside, sticky melted-tarmac arachnids creeping about. The seaweed-girl says sometimes it feels like they're in the stomach, when she has to purge out really heavy stuff. The chthonic people said "insects are important" and confirmed that there are still big benevolent beetles and things in the basement levels, no one knows exactly why though. Jezebel (personified Tar) is also still around but we don't know where. She was talking to Infinitii the other day and it was really chilling. What I do know is that the Tar itself, in its largest amount, is currently infesting Infinitii (as ze reclaimed its color slot). None of us are too sure what to do about that yet, other than get it out of hir, but it's tricky business.
Similarly, the Plague is stuck in me and it feels like calcification, it's awful. Not crystals, but crystallized buildup of something. Like battery corrosion. Two totally different things. FROST* has a song that reminds me of it, did you know? "Saline," like tears. "Fine chilling mime; and I don't know if I can believe in all the lies; calcify; and I don't know if I can survive the feeling, losing all that's mine." Laurie recited that line to me today when I brought up this point, and it's bizarrely relevant. There's relevance in everything if you look deep enough, and that's the point. The stuff you need always comes to you when you need it, if you're open to it, regardless of context. Reminds me of Dream World, yet again.

Today there was a massive hack. I won't go into details because I promised "Victorian" that I wouldn't (she still doesn't have a name; we're trying to find one but Wreckage says that might be tough as she's very depressed and isn't offering much energy to that purpose). Nevertheless, I think the buildup to it is part of WHY the unknown person from last week was terrified of heat-- this evening was oddly quiet and warm and dark, like the summer, and INSTANTLY the horrible internal swarming horror started.
I've never quite explained what hack threats feel like... it's not angry voices, it's more like syrupy-dark insidious twining, as if the shadows are suddenly wrapping around your legs and stomach all humid and constricting, like heated snakes. But it just creeps. And it's scary, because I try to run or otherwise override that sudden flooding of dark around my feet, but the instant fear causes me to badly dissociate. That's the REAL threat of hacks. The inescapable feeling that "the basement is flooding and the water is rising," but the water is like molasses watered down with blood and it's hot and soporific, so by the time it reaches your neck your panic instinct has already kicked up to twelve and your mind is shutting down. You know what that's like? The initial panic, "oh no I know what this is trying to build up to," and the feeling of kicking through the water with electrified nerve, all thin and jangling and shallow breathing, can last for hours. But it dulls out terribly fast. The thick dark keeps rising, but that sugar-melt warmth isn't just toxic anesthesia, it also feels too much like long-ago horrors and so the panic turns flat. "I don't want to feel this again." You can't run, it won't go away, you've been trying for hours or days or years and it's still creeping. "If this persists I am going to lose my mind, it's too terrifying." So things shut down. And then they appear. All the girls, all the women, smiling and touching and perfumed liar smiles, heavy with soft fatal coffin weight. While you are so far out of your own body that you can't fight, you can't remember how to fight or run anymore, all you remember are locked doors and humid rooms and dark windows and being pinned underneath blankets trying to breathe and failing. So you stop trying so you don't suffocate. And then nothing. And then suddenly someone is pulling you out of the flood (which has been over your head for so long that you thought the thick choking was your new air), and your whole body is in horrible wrenching pain, shaking and sick and shattered like splintered bones painted in bruises, your stomach feels like its full of broken mangled machinery and the bloodied oil is leaking everywhere. All you want to do is cry like a child but you are so dead tired you would rather sleep forever first. That's what a hack feels like lately.
I apologize. That just happened. I guess it was needed to be written.
So. Celebi was actually responsible. NOT our Cel-- who is tied to the 2001 consciousness-- this girl was the video-game one, who has a totally different attitude. I knew something was wrong the second she showed up; she's always had this really "wrong" vibe about her and she feels like total danger but I just dimly played along? Like an automaton. Everything looking back is in third person. Why? I was in the attic for some reason. Ventrium was there. His vibe clashed with the whole thing. Celebi kept goading him to do what she wanted, eventually he let her take charge. I kept trying to just walk out, walk away, I felt upset and unsafe, I kept dissociating and she kept shouting at me not to. I didn't want to be there at all, I felt sour-sick and scared and I wanted to leave, but she persisted. The next thing I knew I was in my room and I was ACUTELY aware that someone else was in the body, instead of me, but upstairs INFI was talking to Celebi?? Although they were using totally different language vibes and Infi wasn't getting involved at all. However ze did nothing to stop her, and I have no idea what they were talking about or why. However the shock of seeing hir there when I was in such pain, with hir not even paying attention to me or offering to help, basically not even seeming to realize or care that I was in great danger... that was it. My brain just blanked out. It was the point of feeling so numbly hopeless that it just turned off rather than deal with whatever was next.
Then suddenly there is a massive time loss, and the next thing I know, Wreckage is sitting at my computer for a moment and scowling furiously, then we're outside and she's throwing something into the woods behind the house, then I'm standing in the middle of the muddy lawn in a bathrobe and slippers feeling cold and not-awake, like everything is unreal. I didn't know where I was or who I was or what I was doing really. I felt small and lost and surreal but I felt the earth alive under my feet for a second and that made me feel safer, like there was something greater and kind and alive supporting beneath me even now. Then I'm walking into the kitchen and Laurie is there and I'm sad and asking her never to leave, never ever, please stick around you're the only safe person left. I remember she said she would.
Wreckage and Laurie talked a lot then, as I sat on the floor in the corner, feeling about seven years old. They were discussing their roles as protectors and retributors, saying that this could not go on any longer, at any cost. Mostly they were baffled, furious, and deeply shaken that there had been "no alarms" for that, it was because the numb state had said "everything is okay" in the way a drowning man says it when he already knows he's going to die. Laurie was really heartbroken but so was Wreckage, they were both in tears at one point.
I know later the Victorian-pink girl wandered in, just sat there across from me, didn't say much. I was trying to cook things but realized I wasn't hungry, I was caught between wanting to "bury the sick pain" and "eat something good to cancel it out"; I felt like throwing up but was too tired and sad and sick. Spice showed up when she realized there was a risk, so she joined the discussion. Then we got Emmett and Aimee in to finally eat, keeping things safe, and Spice was very friendly with them which was great (also you can always tell when Emmett is eating because he thinks the body has a big snakey head like his, but it doesn't, so watching him bite stuff is always funny). Then Javier was actually in at the end to talk to us, which started off uneasily-- I think there were some ED-related programs running and he showed up to stop them, but when he heard there had been a hack, he immediately got out his trident and asked who was the culprit. I remember that because Laurie said "no killing anyone," not even the lethal people, because of how Julie had turned out. Laurie considers Julie one of her best friends at this point, so if she of all people could turn from our biggest nemesis into one of our dearest members, Laurie didn't want to steal that chance of redemption away from anyone else. Javier seemed a little moody but agreed, while Wreckage seemed contemplative again. She's got a surprising capacity for empathy (like Knife), so that's part of it, but then she said Laurie was right-- because everyone deserved a chance at health and happiness, which were the two things all the chthonic voices dreamed of and pursued, yet who were born from the exact opposite of it. So she understood in a rather personal way, why everyone should have that opportunity IF they don't abuse it. She is not going to back down from her retributor job anytime soon, thank God, because most of the others did thanks to how brutally externalized it got (with the bloodletting) and the painful consequences of that (Algorith said flat-out it was unfair as hell that the Retributors had to take the pain that was meant to atone for what someone else did). And of course no one knows what to do with Infi, who is this half-holy half-horrible entity in the System, someone we all love and fear both, the center of this struggle right along with me. So it's confusing and scary and we all feel rather lost about it most days. But I think we're all back in the game now. It's a real light of hope for all of us.
Really it was so nice, though, when all was said and done, that a tragic incident at least allowed such discussion to take place. It took about two hours and thanks to massive dissociation I didn't have much fallout, but it'll likely leave scars. I don't know. It's a mess.
...Also, just remembered, Infi and I actually touched on that whole "dissociate when hacks threaten" thing back in October. "Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men." That's even more heartbreaking now than it was then.

Speaking of that mess.
Much earlier today, I saw Amara talking to CZ upstairs. It came out of nowhere, I have no idea why, but there he was. Weirdly I couldn't "see" him clearly at all, and it didn't hit me until then that that's become normal for him. Other than those sudden lucid flashes late at night, I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever was able to see him clearly on a daily basis. I'm not sure if I ever have. And... how do I put this. Apparently that runs deeper than we thought, but just as deeply as I worriedly suspected. Because, Amara was talking to him and then realized she couldn't give the sort of help she felt he needed (which was specifically "more force" in delivering her points, something Laurie is the king of), so she asked the Archivists if they could assist her. Well lo and behold, Isadora actually stepped down, and started talking to him, again I don't remember about what... but then her two friends joined her. So now Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha were all trying to talk to CZ, checking notes and writing things down the whole time, trying to get a group on the situation... and suddenly they confirmed my suspicious.
Chaos is split. All the Outspacers are split.
Do you remember this entry, where Markus first clarified to us that Outspacers had non-System origins BUT were able to enter our community through making a choice to "start again?" To quote, "they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all." Originally I thought that just meant they "dreamed of a new life" and were able to live it here... but I was so used to my own situation that I didn't realize that "new lives" seems to require "new selves" as well.
Things don't follow old "canons" up here because those don't apply at all anymore. They NEVER DID. Geez, when these people entered our inner world in 2002 Jewel had almost no awareness of their native worlds, allowing them to literally build an entirely new history and life from that blank slate of her mind. They weren't SUPPOSED to be tied to their old canons, that was the WHOLE POINT.
Nevertheless, every single one of them already had the beginnings of that personality-split before they joined us up here.
Ryman and Markus both had "Yamis" that acted independently of them, and Markus's was canonically part of him already.
Genesis had a notable "personality break" with his shattered gem, effectively 'restarting' who he was.
Celebi had the whole 4th-movie corruption event, and then the 'many timeline selves' that followed.
Mr. Sandman is a reality-jumper and living multiple lives is part of his job.
Xennie is the only exception because she was born in headspace and therefore doesn't quite count as an 'outspacer' in the strict sense.
Either way this is mostly conjecture and it's hard to put into words but I can feel legitimacy to it, it makes SO much sense, I mean even Grievous and Davy had this same freaking issue of "divided selves," in small or large ways, EVERY single person who ever even had the potential to become an Outspacer had this. We all have our own 'split personality' issues, if you'll forgive the language, no surprise there.
So as it stands, it looks like that's the "real" hidden factor allowing people to enter here-- to reiterate, yes they need the ability to "dream a new life," but in order to do THAT, they need to also be able to "dream a new SELF" to an extent.
As for how that affects CZ? Well, most obviously-- you guys know about Perfect, right? But do you realize what his existence implies? And do remember what Perfect used to be like upstairs? I know I didn't until I was forced to backtrack this morning and then it was downright shocking. Ironic, too, when the long-string symbolism and relevance hits. I really do need to type up an entire entry about that ONCE I get a better grip on this... all I can tell you for sure right now is that there is massive dissonance between CZ's two 'selves,' on all levels, that needs to somehow be harmonized.
I think CZ started to "split" but never really reconciled it, if that makes any sense. He's still, simultaneously, the headspace-rooted him and the StH-rooted him, the former being far more volatile and the latter being far more tranquil. Perfect is tied inherently to the former. However they're both entirely him, and they're both at war. This all sounds like a jumble of words and I apologize; I just keep thinking of that Kim Jensen song and the old Jewel keeps trying to talk through me, but she's nothing but a lingering core-aura now and I don't want to be talking like her just because I feel "obligated to" on this topic. Then again I personally don't have much experience with it. So it feels like a mess, which I'm sorry for, but which is fitting because this topic is a mess right now.
Anyway, I cannot say much else for sure at the moment (battery is dying anyway).
...However. The other night, CZ actually told me that he's "been a stormy sea" for far too long, and that "wasn't the real him." For as long as I've known him, I've known that his deepest energy is actually peaceful and calm, not the raging sort of tidal-wave vibe that he's been emitting for quite some time now. He's apparently been struggling with that himself. It's just that no one could figure out why, or even guess, until now. I suppose that has to do with us losing most access to the past-- stuff doesn't get in the accessible archives unless a core puts it there, and I haven't looked at that stuff in years. I'm going to have to do that now, I suppose, as much as I feel I need to.
So it seems that CZ's real issue in not being able to find stability lately isn't just that he never "dreamed a new self" separate from his root canon, someone that could exist as part of headspace... it's also because he can't get his two inner "selves" to cooperate whatsoever, and there is an actual mental break between them. There has been for at least SIX YEARS and we completely took it for granted after so long.
I don't know. I'm thinking out loud. Forgive the dramatic mess of that paragraph, it's dipping into ancient pre-Spectrum mindstates and I'm going to need to look at all this again later when I'm not rushed for time and content.
My heart is notably breaking though. I... I haven't been feeling any ties to him in a while because of this? Not since December, before that horrible event that forced us all to 'reset' on some level. I wonder how that affected him. I never asked. But right now, I'm getting the same thing I did during that Xanga-- all those old memories of love, even the ones that are just vibes or feelings or awarenesses, and they are all so intimately real and honest and bright. Like light shining through a suncatcher and tossing bright colors all about the room, except you can't touch them, they're just coloring every bit of you. That's what it feels like. But that conversation holds more relevance to this than I realized and I really, really need to review all of this...
...They say that if you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have let him go. Looking back, I can see it. I have turned him away, I have thrown him out, I have denied him to his face. And he's done the same to me, many times. We've even stepped into the positive and effectively said, "hey, no hard feelings, but I think we're done." We've gone our separate ways far too many times. But that old injoke still applies. No one is getting a divorce here, in any sense. We don't think that's possible, even if we wanted one, and a few times we did consider it, with terrible sadness, through all the crushing pain. But it never took hold. Something, something we can't understand at all, always held us together, even when we didn't want it to. And that seems to be the point, doesn't it? When you get down deep enough, when you let go of all the suffering and rage and agony and 'Perfect ' shadows, for both of us... when there's nothing left but pure color, we tend to stick together.
I don't know. It feels utterly strange right now. There are too many blocks for me to see clearly. But I'll fix that too. I promise I will.

 

Also geez all this entry backtracking is hitting me in the face with sudden ancient relevance (things are just jumping out of the woodwork that didn't even have such relevance util now, good heavens) and I need to write all this down but there is no time tonight. Remind me.

On a different, brighter note... on Wednesday night I suddenly got all this insight about the System (which broke through my "headspace-fog" for the first solid time since last Sunday really), and ended up kneeling on the rug and scribbling notes onto paper for two hours or so. I tried to graph out the vertical structure of headspace-- which our therapist had some brilliant insight on-- and also was checking the Spectrum lineup for stability and slot status: who's slipping, who has an unstable color, whose roles have changed, etc. It was very helpful actually, and I won't type all that up here because 1) it's late and 2) I want to scan that in first so you have a visual! It NEEDS to be talked about, especially because we haven't even attempted to graph the "Spectrum flowchart" since last spring, BEFORE the Undergrounders appeared, and we thought Teal and Pink were "mutant slots." Yes, it's only been a year since then, my mind was boggled too. But it really made me smile, widely and genuinely, to see that, as it was basically a concrete display of just how much we've grown since this time last year. Honestly the progress has been absolutely incredible... which is why I am hoping, so much, that we can figure something out to heal Infinitii before hir first "birthday" in the System in two weeks. I love hir, I really do, and it hurts my heart to see hir in this state, all weird and vague and flatline-feeling, when I remember so clearly what ze feels like on hir beautifully good days.
But the Spectrum is like Dust. It's alive, it knows us, and it loves us, and everything will work out exactly when it needs to... no sooner, and no later, just like Laurie said.
I've got a whole audio file entry on that, which I'll type up tomorrow. You guys have gotta hear this, it's super cool.

Also, in light of those papers, we've been talking symbols lately, especially around Central. Those of you who know me and Jewel might know that Jewel is in charge of a ton of "series," or rather, stories about other worlds she dreams about, collectively called the "Lightraye League." There's a ton of color and meaning and symbolism in them, but it tends to differ and shift from one to another, so those stories often require an organizational visual element and that's where I come in! I have this amusing fondness for organizing things visually, and it's the easiest to do with symbols, so that's my job. Series identification symbols? We have 13. LG*Girl morph marks? Got 24 so far. Dream World elements? All 34 are done! You get the idea.
But that's the point: our System never had anything like that, and we're wondering if that would work for us. Symbols are, when they're tied to people, highly personal and just as powerful as names are. When tied to things like energy colors, it gives that 'abstract concept' a sort of nominative solidity, and makes it into something individually deserving of respect and recognition. Again, considering how our inner world is basically alive, we feel that the magic sort of caring that goes into 'finding' symbols would be merited, for energy colors at least, if not also our members. I mean the phenomenon actually started way back in 2002, with Jewel and the original Outspacers-- her symbol was a heart, Ryman's was a star, Markus's was an octagram, Chaos's was a Saturn-shaped planet, and Genesis's was a four-pointed star. They also all had their own personal colors (respectively red, blue, violet, cyan, and amber, originally), which I daresay you can understand the obvious significance of! But actually, that whole color/symbol phenomenon was intrinsically tied to the phenomenon of soul forms, element abilities, etc. It was like saying, "here's a piece of magic to represent you... now you can represent part of the magic in turn."
There are similar small but 'identifying' symbols actually developing in Central, as we all have our own colors already-- Spine has a skull, Lynne has a violin, Josephina has a jingle bell, Nathaniel has a moth, Waldorf has a ring, Leon has a pair of scales, Laurie has an axe, Julie has a flower, Infinitii has an eye (we think?) and I'm partial to lotuses, but that feels too broad for 'just me.' Javier is new so he hasn't found anything yet, but you get the picture. However as I said, they're mostly more for identification than for representation, as there is distinction there, and no one but Central has any. We're wondering, should that change?
If nothing else, it would greatly expand the depth and personability of our System, if that makes sense? It's hard to put that feeling into words. It's more expansive, more mythical almost, like now it's not just a story, it's a World. It now has some element of recognized connection in it, to all other similar things. Again, words aren't working. But, in short, it might give us that little needed 'push' in order to be part of the League. Yes it's important! You probably don't quite get why as you don't have our experience with it and that's understandable. But... again, it's an energetic thing. The League feels like a web, like a graph, like a stained-glass mandala, like a great interconnected sparkling thing. There's this feeling of love and unity between every jewel-like world in it, linking them all together, even if they don't realize it. And those symbols are representations of that connection, of the similar elements that don't bleed over so much as they shine through and within. Colors, music, magic, people... all of them linked together in both big and little ways. It's so much like us, in a different way... we're so much like it, in a different way. So we want to be part of it. We want to be a piece of that greater whole, after having felt so separate from it for so long, after having briefly touched it in tiny raindrop ways over and over through the years, even though our deepest roots transcend even the trauma and bloom straight from the gemstone heart of it. We want to settle into that cosmic pattern and stay there, embraced by the great bright love of it, of everyone else, once and for all. We want a happy ending, for all of us, and we will get it.

Lastly, relatedly, and to be continued... in reviewing the Spectrum lineup, I realized that yes, I can still sense people and their conditions when I am tuned in, and it's surprisingly effortless in that context. So in checking the colors I did see that some people are having trouble, some people have moved, some people are in transition phases... all stuff we've either overlooked, missed, or taken for granted. Either way none of it has really been discussed here! So that's for next time too.
But, best of all, that inward/outward reaching sparked something honest and admiring in me and I realized that everyone in the System has their own personal energy vibe. Not the simple slot-related "checkup" resonance, I mean their own individual radiance, six senses worth. Way back when I started trying to write those impressions down, but it's been so long since, that I wondered if I could still get it?
I CAN. It is AWESOME and it is so much clearer than ever, really the joy of being able to feel these people in such a brilliantly clear and real way is just... it's incredible. It surpasses the awful "third person" feeling that inner lives can get at times, overpowered by the inescapable and constant sensory input of physical reality. I can sadly overlook my inner life because of that, and see it as something less real, less strong. But then, when I tune in, suddenly all these beloved individuals aren't just faces and names and colors "in my head," they are tangible beautiful people and their visible absence in physical reality has absolutely no effect on that fact. It turns the world upside down in the most wonderful way; suddenly the universe is twice as big and it's gorgeous, I can't help smiling, even if I'm dizzy from the sudden massive shift in depth!
So yes, long story short, I have a new energy-perception file and I am putting honestly sincere care, respect and attention into perceiving every single System member's personal aura. It demands compassion and trust and closeness from me, first of all, and also from those I'm tuning into. So some people are almost unidentifiable yet, some people only have half the channels open, and some people are instantly and powerfully cognizable. It's really forcing me to open my heart entirely, at the very least, as well as demanding that I not 'play favorites' as I used to, and acknowledge everyone's inherent, equal worth. Everyone in here is amazing, we all exist for an important reason, and we all deserve to have our worth honored. This is tangible proof of that.

Good Lord this is 16 pages in Microsoft Word. I'd better wrap things up.
Battery is dying again, so see you later.

 

 

 

 

 

this is the fragment

we just had a hack it attacked javier

he was so traumatized by it he committed suicide
we did not know until now

he is dead, he is dead

algorith wants to atone, she was disgusted
knife said no, the body gets sick from cutting now, we cant
algorith said then refuses to do this anymore

she tried to commit suicide on the body

laurie stopped her, they fought, laurie barely won out

brought us here, what do we do

javier is dead and algorith wants the body to die
so that we never have to deal with these situations ever again

i do not blame her

we had hope this morning but now what?
if the hacks dont stop
if we keep destroying the body with the eyes closed
what do we do

this is no way to live

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:04 pm

 

 

all right look im sorry i know people dont like to think about this either.

 

but weve been in hell for two hours and algorith keeps trying to swallow pills and the numb people keep coming out because people KEEP TOUCHING US and the kids are screaming and there are STILL VOICES THAT ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE

 

i hate this i hate this why wont it stop STOP TRYING TO KILL US FROM THE INSIDE OUT JUST STOP

 

i am going to try a crisis chatroom?? maybe?? the last time it made things so much worse it made so many voices mad mad mad

 

oh here i am sorry

 

listen i think maybe someone needs to talk to someone, i dont know, i cant do it im not allowed to see that. but people are hurt bad and a lot of people are crying and some people are dead.

 

THERE ARE ABUSIVE PEOPEL IN THIS SYSTEM AND THEY WONT GO AWAY WHAT DO WE DO???
THIS ISNT A COPING MECHANISM IF THE TRAUMA KEEPS HAPPENING ON THE INSIDE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING PLEKASE MAKE THEM STOP.

 

please we are too angry and sad and scraped out and hurt to fight anymore please someone make them go awy and stop hurting us please. please please please stop them.

 

 

what do we do, suicide isn't an option, it's not an option, even if the hopeless ones keep trying. we can't do it it's wrong
we have the means. its so easy. but we can't, it would be mass suciide and that isnt fair.

 

still, it is also not fair for us to have rapists and murderers living in our head too and we cant run from them. and they take over the body and kill people they dont like inside. and it is really hard to stop them from hurting people outside too. it is very scary, to have to lock ourselves inside the hoiuse all the timebecause going outisde means hey! we might really hurt somebody because we didnt know they were out!! it is scary and no way to live, to be your own worst enemy, because you are not the only person driving the body.

 

what to do. thursday is therapy again. we think we will demand hospitalization we cannot wait any longer anymore

 

sorry for this stupid ranting

 

IT'S NOT STUPID DAMN IT I DONT CARE IF NO ONE TALKS TO US I AM SAD!!! AND USUALLY I AMNEVER SAD BUT TODAY I AM!! BECAUSE IT DOEST STOP AND I WANT IT TO STOP OKAY PLEASs.e

 

okay its not dumb but its sad. sorry we chansed sylvain out hes a manager the kind of people that keep things neutral we cant do that now it would hurt more.

 

not bleeding enough, trying to figure out how more, but is tat bad? not want to keep cutting deep an dlblood everywhere. no stitches cant get stitehces not good. locked away again not good/

 

what are we doing why is this going on tumblr WHY
desperate for help, desperate for help

 

you can only talk to a wall for so many years

 

bye.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:22 pm

 

 

we are in pain.
we cannot distract ourselves from that pain.

why we aer in pain:
1. people touching us. we are scared. most of us do not say no.
boy one: "hold still and let them do what they want. it will be over soon."
he is scared but too scared to fight back. i think he feels he has no right to stand up for himself. "other people know better." yes he might be scared but "what if my being scared is BAD? or WRONG?" that is a dangerous mindset, but he has it.


2. people raping us from the inside
i am sorry for the bad language but thats what it is!! there are bad people inside our head who do that to us.
there is a girl doing it. at least one. she is bad, very bad, because


This is Sherlock.
I think there are two little boys like Sylvain (the "vanilla boy"). Sylvain is about 11 years old, and acts as a "neutral fronter" when traumatic situations happen. He is kept separate from the data, and fronts simply to keep things in "standby," so to speak.
However, now there is this boy, who is currently typing? He is not the same boy as the one we call Sylvain. This is unusual. Perhaps they split, or there were always two, and we assumed there was only one.
Unfortunately, now we are very confused as to who we are speaking to. I will have to go through the archives and find data on both these children, if there indeed are two. It seems to be a strange phenomenon, that typing voices suffer drastic personality alterations when fronting, so perhaps this is occurring instead. I do not know why this is, but I should find out. Perhaps it is the "buffer," or if I may postulate, perhaps it is Jessica, barring us from totally inhabiting the body. I am not sure whether or not she is tied to the automatic buffer. Nevertheless that is off topic.

Let me continue where the last boy left off.
There is indeed a sexually abusive voice in the System, that we have not previously been this clearly aware of. She is female, and bears a disturbing resemblance to the body host, as far as we are able to tell (long brown hair, appears about 17). She is a significant threat to all of our members, especially the trauma voices, because of her utterly intolerable behavior. This evening, there was an instance of traumatic physical touch that caused Marigold and the Overload girl (or so I think; she was not the same girl that hates the parents; this is the young long-haired girl that does nothing but scream, like a siren, in danger situations) to begin shrieking in terror. At the same time, the body was inhabited by the "dead red" boy, whose eyes strongly resemble these glasses from the Ava's Demon webcomic. (Notably, I was previously unaware of the Black-energy-like "leakage" from her eyes upon wearing said glasses until now. That may pose some relevance to us, considering how strongly our inner world is impacted by imaginative sources.) Unsurprisingly, the red boy was not fighting back, instead waiting in terror for the incident to end.
However. There was then a second voice, behind him, trying to break through. This is the female voice I am speaking of. If you will pardon my vulgarity, she was loudly taunting the woman that was touching us, saying-- and I quote, I do not approve this behavior in the least-- "come on, f*ck me already, I know you want to!" Keep in mind this was spoken by a teenage girl to an elderly woman, and it was spoken with a mocking sort of malicious mania. That is important. This girl was not simply taunting, she genuinely meant that statement. She wanted that, both for her own desires, AND because it would harm those trauma voices she was shouting over. And that is a massive concern, to me. I do NOT want someone like her in the System.
This is strange. I'm just a data manager. Yet I feel protective. Maybe there is leakage. Maybe I am changing. I can't be sure.


"allow the pain to be acknowledged" then "let the tears flow so that you may heal fully"
but how??
there are no tears, it is empty! the pain has left it hollow, there is nothing, nothing
but it is not a depressed nothing. it is an unreactive nothing.
that is scary actually
it is a nothing taht says "why should i care? i have no pain. that event does not affect me emotionally."
and they mean that, it is true for them.
BUT SOMEONE DIED
SOMEONE LITERALLY DIED TODAY, THEY KILLED THEMSELF BECAUSE OF THE PAIN THEY COULD NO LONGER HANDLE
THAT IS HORRIBLY SAD
AND THAT VOICE DOESN'T CARE?!?!??!?!

why did he kill himself? this was the third time they used him for a hack, but why did he commit suicide
did he feel he was unable to rise above that or what?
maybe. its not true, not really, but maybe he didnt see that
its very hard to see on days like this.

those bad people are fake. the things they do are malicious on purpose, to hold us back. but they do not work from love so they are not real, not in the big picture.
still we need to acknowledge our pain, and we ARE, but some of us feel none, and that makes it confusing.


"the pain IS the illusion, I am not stating that the pain is not real, what I am stating is that the pain needs to be HEALED by being ACKNOWLEDGED and not by being distracted from."

"you are TAUGHT to hide your pain and carry on regardless. This works to anchor the pain more deeply as you do not allow the pain to fully rise to the surface and be acknowledged for all that the pain NEEDS to be released is to be acknowledged. "

ah okay THAT we ARE having trouble with. "hiding our pain."
someone today was so sad, so sad, but wouldnt tell anyone about it! because they were so afraid of hurting someone else by asking for help. but it was so sad, seeing them want love and healing, just wanting someone around that wouldnt hurt them, and finding no one willing to help.
i mean its great to be able to heal alone. but human contact is needed sometimes, non-traumatic contact, the non-physical sort. words of assistance help greatly. but this person is afraid to ask. "i dont want to burden anyone. i must deal with this alone."

Child, you do not need to deal with this alone, we will all help you if you would only ask.
You do not need to look outside your soul for help. We are all here with you. Your soul is connected to many others. Turn to them. They love you. We love you. And we will always be willing to help raise you up from the shadows, not in ignorance of them, but because we do not need to stay there.

Kid, the light isn't all that far from the shadow, look at Infi for heaven's sake, remember what you told me about Island today. Suffering through this darkness won't ruin you, it CAN'T, that's not how this whole thing WORKS.
Today was horrifying. I won't deny that. But kid, even if I don't understand it very well right now, "beauty and horror" still applies. The existence of one doesn't negate the other. "This too shall pass" and all that. Hold on, kid. Even in this Tar-blackened nightmare there's still some sort of light on the horizon and for the life of me it's impossible but it's true.

there is love, even now, and you must hold on to it, in your heart.
it is not untrue. it is the truest thing you will ever find.
all of you. all you faceless ones. all you nameless ones. jay too.
every single one of you.
remember love. hold fast to love.
not the kind that is marketed to you by the trauma voices in here. they are liars, for they do not understand.
but do not hate them.
do not hate them.
give them no attention. focus on your own healing and true health.
if i may be any hope to any of you, remember that i am love as well. we all are.
the fact that i am made of the same energy as them speaks volumes.
forget black and white. think beyond that.
that is all i have to say. words are insufficient.
my arms are always open for anyone who may reach out to me.
i wish love well to all of you.


I think perhaps I will close this entry. It is quickly becoming... I do not know if there is a word. Cluttered, perhaps, but not badly so. Overwhelming, yes, but not badly so.
This is an important topic.
One last clarification. I recall this being labeled as important earlier today but no one mentioned it yet.
Do not give your power away. We should not say "they made me feel this." I know the angry voices do this.
The point is, we have a choice. We can react to them, and give them power over us. Or we can leave. We can remove ourselves from the situation if things become too traumatic. Or, in relevant situations, we can recognize that our triggers apply to the past, and we are in no danger currently. The numb and damaged voices are incapable of doing this yet. But they can learn. I'm sure. It would benefit all of us, to learn how to protect ourselves, instead of succumbing to violence and pain because we feel powerless against it, and do not fight back.
I'm not sure what I am trying to communicate. Simply... we are not responsible for them, and they do not control us, nor are we obligated to obey every suggestion of theirs. That is all, I suppose.


"All the methods that brought us to where we are now, will no longer work in where we are going to be."
I was told the other day to stop being so logical and analytical, as those methods will indeed no longer work in the near future. Ironically, I am willing to change. On some level that is perhaps not as "logical" as I may like to think, I understand that refusal to beneficially change, because of doubt or fear, will only hold me back. So I am willing to change, completely if I must, if it be for the better of both my own personal self, and those I share a physical form and mind with.
I must endeavor to tell the others this, if they do not already know. We have a long history, that will no longer apply soon. That is all I know. In a way it is unsettling, as I know that these Archives before me may soon become irrelevant. But at the same time it is exhilarating, to be able to leave all that behind.

I will close this entry now. I am sorry if anything that needed to be discussed was not. I will try to organize some data for tomorrow if it is relevant. Otherwise that is all for today.