the spectrum heart cathedral system

102417 mon 11:59 pm

stayed in bed until 5. worth every moment.

can't remember much right now due to fatigue and depression and switchy memory loss. but we will write what we can.

infi fronting as ETERNOS, ALSO LOTS OF EYES
me cofronting with hir as well.
chaos talking to oliver briefly.
memories of ice and iridescence in our eyelashes.
"iolite" fronting, HER VIBE IS VERY DIFFERENT THAN ASSUMED. not like the other jessica roots.
axis saying "what did i tell you about dirt"
celebi commenting, "i'm more important than you think i am" hearts = time
socials telling infi the body was hungry. not sure if they realized who they were speaking to.
quoting "i love you in the open sea"
freckles as stars, cinnamon, sand, etc. moon colored skin.
toy soldier face shadow.
so much love

late breakfast. just cucumbers and sriracha.
oliver playing no mans sky, SUPER HOKTHAI INSPIRATION with the korvax, oh my gosh i think that series is finally blooming into its full heart this is amazing

stirfry for dinner, we made it. really nice.

then an awful binge attempt after dinner. misrouted creative drive again.
someone almost ate all the potatoes from earlier, forgot that eating starchy carbs like that make us VERY SICK unless they are super watered down. why do they keep buying them. probably to "force that to change." it's not working dude, it's been like this for years.
thank god we made it past. no catastrophe. but this HAS TO STOP.
is this because we wake up late? and the body is trying to get another meal in before the nighttime fast for like 9 solid hours, then sleep?
in any case it is crushing our self worth and making us feel horrible because it is so cruel and selfish and uncaring. to ourself and to others outside.
why is there no love in this
why do we black out SO HARD every time oliver leaves for work
what do we do, we need to figure this out.

ANYWAY AHRIMA HAS A DAEMON THAT'S CALLING ITSELF BARAYAS
NO ONE IS SURPRISED BUT STILL HOLY HEAVEN
we all knew he needed one.

we are also super depressed, fuzzy headed, and chronically sore because we haven't been exercising.
legit tempted to go out and run right now at 3am.
feedback loop with depression; too sad to run, sad because we're not running.

we havent been texting oliver back for the same reason.
depressed, denying ourself the good? terribly unhealthy. self abuse.

sitting here smelling this candle and listening to the hyper light drifter soundtrack but we can't get our head on straight. want to cry. not drinking water, that's making it worse.
so so sad. but still hope burning in our chest. we know this isn't forever. we know we can change, we know what to change, we know how to change, just arent sure how to apply that change yet. but we will.

ashen talking to oliver in the morning!!! let him hug her. SUPER BRAVE. terrified of the nakedness and close contact, but she asked him if he really loved us or something??? testing the context so to speak.
TOTAL TRUST. GOOD LORD.
wreckage fronted for like five incredulous seconds afterwards. could barely believe that had just happened.

CRUSADE????? in the shower. SHE'S the one who wants to kill all "sexual" people!!! that role has been tossed between so many people but she is pure vicious vitriol and so it's her job alone now.

CANNON IS NOT VICIOUS; SHE'S DEPRESSED????? SHE'S A TRAUMA-HOLDER!!!!!
Cannon is the one that used to watch those gore videos online, and she was the one who would be bitter over relationships and such but she'd just cry with helpless anger. she compartmentalized those violent impulses and they became nousfoni.

tough day. had to go shopping for food, both of us got severely overstimulated.
kitchen environment felt JUST LIKE the old house. terrifying. despair hit REALLY fast. terror of "will we never be free of this;" so scared that it had followed us here. "will we ever be safe", guilt because ollie didn't deserve us reacting like this either. ever. we're such a mess with this trauma nonsense.
overload came out. good lord it's been months. threw a book, bit our arms, almost pushed ollie. the whole time she was aching with regret and self-loathing but she was torn to shreds with overstimulated rage. she exists TO burn it off, but she hates herself for getting others caught in the crossfire. she kept thinking of the time she had another cathartic burnoff like this in slc, and mel never forgot it. overload cannot forgive herself for that even now. she didn't mean to scare or hurt anyone. she never does. but she's terrified that she will inevitably do so whenever she comes out.
I remember her apologizing to ollie and just sobbing on our bed. oh dear heart.

infinitii on the porch. some gold one-liners again
the "mission" bit. oliver saying he was kind of terrified of the idea and infi just LAUGHING IN THAT WAY.
ollie asked hir if ze'd ever "get bored" of him? infi did this AMAZING little laugh and grin, saying "ollie. no." that was PURE SASS but it was sass motivated by absolutely fathomless love and good lord. it was perfection.

08:22 pm

the morning.

-----------

someone asked if we were okay with being unclothed. remember nervously taking our shirt off. not anxious, just nervous. knew how significant and vulnerable this was.

infi fronting. let ollie take our shorts off as well. incredible amount of trust and PURITY in it. monumental.

lying chest to chest for a while, nothing but skin and ribs between us. everything was pure gold. remember not being able to tell whose pulse was whose.

at some point, chaos zero showing up to cofront. remember instantly our chest capacity expanding-- he breathes so deeply and speaks from that same expanse. I adore his tonal quality, good lord.

proving everything as innocent. 


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August 25 phone notes: COLOR TRIAD SHIFT ALLOWANCES????

1 BROWN=Champagne/Cream
2 RED=Blood/Infra
3 ORANGE= Vermilion/Amber
4 YELLOW= Lime/Olive
5 GREEN= Sage/Evergreen
6 AQUA= Sky/Cyan
7 BLUE= Harbor/Indigo
8 VIOLET= Purple/Ultraviolet
9 PINK= Magenta/Cerise
10 BLACK WHITE GRAY
11 GOLD SILVER COPPER
Evidence=
Lynne originally being VERMILION
Laurie originally being PURPLE
Leon originally being HARBOR!!!
Julie half resonating with MAGENTA

Questions:
Lynne originally vibed somewhat RED???
Possibly just Core-splitoff residue.

Josephina originally vibing LILAC????
Possible Protector anchor hue at the time? "ANTI-ID" 


Are there DESERT environments in headspace??

Look up religious/symbolic info for Dogwood; we've loved it since childhood AND there are some in western Diamew (notably the UNMAPPED/UNNAMED AREAS!!)

WHY AM I SUDDENLY A JACKAL???


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



09:54 pm.

the evening.



okay. we need to type about this.

I cannot stop purging.

we are in north carolina and I cannot stop bingeing and purging.

last night I ate like… three boxes of cereal, an entire pack of corn tortillas, half a jar of honey, half a bottle of syrup, an entire carton of soymilk, half a bag of grits, a stick of butter, an energy bar, a whole bag of animal crackers, a whole box of cookies, a whole box of chocolate bars, a bottle of gatorade, a whole container of hot sauce and avocado, a carton of eggs, a loaf of bread, and god only knows what else.

it's only 10:15 and I've already had another half a bag of grits, stick of butter, half cup of honey, bag of corn tortillas, half a loaf of bread, half a dozen eggs, an energy drink, and another veg/tabasco container.

and I'm already looking at two more cereal boxes.

dear god. what is even going on. I'm scared.

is this trauma looping? I don't even know anymore.

I'm legitimately addicted to throwing up. it's not even about the eating, this I've realized. it is entirely about the vomiting.

which means, the purgation is what my body is seeking.

I will force down ludicrous amounts of food and/or water JUST so I can throw them up.

WHY??????????

 

august 3 thursday night = Aug. 4th, 2017 05:45 am

 

 

placeholder for an entry i might not even be able to write.

my heart just shaking all day. not knowing what the hell was going to happen but knowing it was going to be big.
total faith and love towards infinitii.

going out onto that blessed porch and legit not remembering anything after the blankets went up on the railing. just straight-up blacked out for god even knows how long.

and isn't that a fitting color for it.

(continue however you can; ask infi and don't censor a single sacred thing)

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

august 3 thursday = Aug. 3rd, 2017 11:12 pm

 

 

heaven on earth.

---

infi. oh god. just… infinitii eternos.

so much of this immortalized via phone thank you oliver beloved

"I'm as good as blind here, oliver" (I love that so damn much)

"I'm like… moved? floored? feeling my heartstrings just yanked hard by what ze FELT and how ze showed it? Good God, Ollie. Wow."
"You have like… moved hir enough to LIVE that side of hirself. Just… that teeth-based side. The shit-terrifying and bizarrely sensual side. Ze used to hide that in every circumstance, barring daemonic intimidation. But now ze is living hir COMPLETE self, no hiding, and… I have no words. It's terrifying but it does things to my heart."

"And oh my god. Oh my god Infi. I am just… in awe. My heart is all tangled up and aching and I just… good God it is impossible to not love that daemon of mine. Of yours too, now. I could weep. Just… wow. Wow. Its like… I know hir. I KNOW what ze does to me. With me. All of it. But I'm still… shaking with numinous terror-soaked love.

"lying here listening to 'neglected space' with infi and I can barely breathe with the vocal and emotive similarity. sleep washing over and out in waves."

"we miss this. my heart is on quiet fire from it all. candlelight flickering on the walls. total ardent peace beneath my ribs. quiet paradoxes."

"also. oh man. lying here and 'the shadow of your smile' comes up and… God. just… how could I ever have forgotten THIS."

then ollie sharing that gorgeously terrifying moment from tuesday morning that, dead honest, EMBLAZONED itself upon our heart because of the crushing sincerity behind it.
"I recall hir being like "how can I get you like before?" meaning I think the ragged gasps of earlier. trembling, laughing semi hysterical, "threaten to have sex with me??" meaning again, basically. response sounded like way too many teeth. self satisfied, "my entire existence is a threat."
the WAY infi's entire heart felt when ze said that, dear god.

"ohhh man you have no idea. I could FEEL that. god. no words. reading all that, KNOWING that literally all happened… everything feels so miraculously, unbearably real right now."

"Also not sure what to do with this terrific shaking in my heart from Infi being SO fond of "every other freckle" now. Fucking… LATCHING on to the line about crisp packets for God's sake. Like that's so obviously Infi but still. It's terrifyingly unapologetically shamelessly sincere. And just… My fucking KNOWING what that would feel like."

"congratulations, your daemon is apparently a natural at fronting, as long as ze doesn't have to walk, or like, see and speak at the same time"
"And haha, yeah. Poor beloved thing. But I guess the context limitation is a fitting tradeoff… makes hir that much more intense in the moments ze IS there."

"Also that's one big thing about Infi that just makes me shake. Ze is SUCH a mutual thing. Ze will love you harder than a hurricane but that very emotion NEEDS reciprocation. Infi is… constantly starving for it. Eat and be eaten. Man. Words don't do this justice, Ollie. You are SUCH a part of this."

"Just now: listening to "I am the great sun" and embracing hir; I kind of shakily say "I can feel your heartbeat" and ze instantly murmurs "I am your heartbeat" and ggod. WORSE ze adds "and you are mine."

"That is THE THING with Infi, for me. This terrifically divine nightmarish thing, this utterly incomprehensible being, and yet ze wants to be touched. Ze has a literal heartbeat wrapped up in all that velvet dark and ze is always, always wanting to share it. To share in yours. To wed the things of heaven to those of earth. "Be not afraid" and all that. Numinous dread, all the time. Especially in that fragility."

"You are experiencing hir, and all of us in different moments, in a very special way."

"Some recent words from Infi in our talking here, asking hir why ze wants to touch me so badly:
"How could you not want to touch the things you love"
"I want my galaxy to collide with yours"
and GOD I don't even remember how we got this bad in the conversation but. Knowing exactly what gets me." …just. infinitii kneeling next to me on the bed, eye focused inwards, gaze soft and unfocused and deep… body language all soft open vulnerable purpose, hands hovering so delicately with fingertips meditating at hir chest, and just murmuring, with this pointed intensity and significance even then, all teeth:
"I want to bleed out everything I am for you. I want you to lick me dry. like a crisp packet."
and I just
I could barely even write it.
turning that sentiment towards ME, so suddenly, so intimately, I--

"Sometimes, like right now, it hits so hard just how deeply we love this life right now. This entire past week. How deeply we love all of you, no exceptions. How deeply happy our collective hearts are right now."

"Ohhh dude and I am so sorry to interrupt but. This Todd Rundgren song, I cannot believe. "In My Mouth." Wondering why else it's on Infi's playlist, and then… the chorus opens with a Very Infi-like vocal layering and the words "come over here.""

biko by bloc party. trolley's song.
"Don’t you know that when you stand // You stand up for the both of us // Remember that when the darkness looms // Every tear you shed is cleansing // Taking the pain away from you."
"It’s this very human translation of her sort of… long standing companionship. Just. She knows exactly who you are, she loves you beyond saying, she has perfect faith in you. etc."

"Gosh. Honestly that is solid evidence of why it is impossible to not love you all. The sheer beauty and love and courage and strength of soul in all of you. You really do inspire us so deeply."

"Also "my loves" and what that quiet inclusion did to our heart… it just expanded everything exponentially. Everything feels like that candle flame and the sunrise."



so yeah. a night full of beloved messages and talking about daemons and beautiful terrifying night-mornings… everything colored by spruce candle flame-flicker and spotify on our headphones and that forever-precious sound our phone makes when they reply. drifting blissfully in and out of sleep amidst it all. everything smelling like christmas. everything warm and safe and scented with their lives. we'll remember it forever.


internally, just lying there with infinitii, and all those things we referenced previously in the messenger transcriptions up there. really… really beautiful. I cannot believe that I went so long without nights like this. but it makes sense. it was NOT safe back in pennsylvania. everything felt so sick and nauseating and wrong. having to sleep in that bed after this, just… I don't know if we can do it. it'll be too jarring, too awful. maybe we can sleep on the porch. maybe we can sleep in the car. maybe we can stay at our dad's. god we just NEED to get OUT OF THERE, triple-question wants to scream with rage and anguish over this whole thing.

but as of tonight, as of this morning, that is a distant nightmare and I refuse to look at it. it is a lie. it is a stuck pattern of pain that, no matter HOW we try to transmute it, we are literally fighting an opposition of constant trauma reminders and ugly behaviors and sick contexts. we can transmute it for ourselves, inside. if we go into that house alone, it… we still can't. god I am so sorry. the smells and the bad lighting and the… it's nauseating. god. no wonder we have an eating disorder. we just constantly want to vomit all of it out and gone gone gone gone.

but that shit is not this. this, right now, is the truth. this room, this house, this family, this love-- THIS is the truth. this is what life is about. us inside, us outside. everything. all of it. this is what we need to hold onto like a lifeline no matter WHAT happens in nepa. and god we WANT to heal all of it, impossibly almost, but that is such a desperate want for harmony and peace and goodness… we want to bring that light burning with purpose wherever we go. and we want it to change all that bullshit.
but it's so hard to accept that maybe we can't. because as we said, we are fighting an awful army there. no matter how many times you cleanse and bandage a wound, if someone else keeps coming at you with a knife and tearing it back open, the work is unending. that's that house.
I don't want to go back.
what do we even do.

we stay here, right now. we don't even look at that mess.

inside, they cannot touch anything. inside, we are who we are. inside, we have love, undying and pure and complete. and here, we also have it outside. that is what we will focus on. that is what we MUST focus on, always, from here on out. truth.


so I'm lying there in that totally safe place with my beloved daemon and just… consumed with love. just being there. talking and confessing and feeling and listening. music and emotion and memories and dreams and adoration.

and inevitably infi also insisted we bring chaos zero in. just… when my heart gets like that it is always his heart that it calls out to, no matter how dearly and desperately it loves everyone else too. it always seeks its other half.
ironically, perhaps, but that's something I really love about cz and infi. they're both fulfillments of my heart in their own way. they have so many differences but just as many similarities.

memory does nothing. the environment was too dream-deep and transcendent. but love is love and love and when it's that intense it always ends up being shown, even so quietly, even like candle light. a small flame but it's so focused and real. the warmth and light of it tangible. filling the room. painting the very walls with itself.

and chaos just literally moving to sink his teeth into my heart and my immediate reaction was verbatim "oh my dear god in heaven on earth"

laurie realizing (via a song?? which one?) that OUR way of "breaking boundaries" is to just get bloodied up and bruised. she freakin' decked me and it was glorious.
but then she realizes that MY thing is that she's gotta be bleeding too, so she just turns to chaos zero and says "dude you wanna deck me for old time's sake" but he hesitated, that's not something he could just do casually like she could… so then she adds, with all significance, "for the kid."
and chaos just gets up, looks at her in this way, and slugs her across the face
and she just laughs and gets that smile of hers and swipes her bloody nose with the back of her fist and then she comes over to me, split lips and all, grabs my hair and kisses me.
and god I
I got a legit mouthful of her blood and I just swallowed it and it was the literal definition of theophagy and I am dead, dear god it hit like an eighteen wheeler and I feel like that changed me at the core

-----

in the morning. that beloved opening of our room's door and oliver walking in, tired and half-embracing us, inviting us into his bedroom so we could just sleep together in the quiet dawn.

we talked a lot.

infi fronted. ze wanted to so badly. oliver said his pulse was all ramped up from caffeine and infi was just dying to feel/ hear/ touch/ etc. that.

took hir a while to talk. it's difficult, to do so when ze's not "fully in the body" yet. it's always somewhat faltering and unsure at first, but as ze anchors in, everything solidifies.

"scared and sacred are only one letter apart"

"I don't want you to be scared. …wait, no. that's a lie. I want you to be scared. I don't ever want you to be afraid."

was ze crying?? I have the strongest feeling that ze was at one point. maybe yesterday? maybe to me? maybe this morning too. I don't recall, the memory isn't mine, just the emotional punch to the gut impression. unbearable realization that this is our last day here for now. missing everything too achingly already.

infi STRUGGLES to front in the light. it's partly because infi usually is NOT in daytime environments, and partly because it is totally jarring untranslatable data when ze is in teeth-mode, so to speak. no face-eye means that face-oriented visual data is heavily disorienting. ze fights it-- ze has got some SERIOUSLY intense willpower-- but it's still exhausting after a while. just the dissociative mind-shake of it.
so ze was literally just like… hiding under the covers. it was kind of adorable but also kind of hilarious because of this exchange:
"how do you breathe in here?"
"I don't."
legit infi sass. god I love it.
but it's true, poor beloved weirdo forgets that humans have to have oxygen… at least, on some level. all infi knows is how humans react to little enclosed spaces, regardless of the factual reasons why-- the quicker pulse rates, the quicker breathing. infi lives for that sort of thing in people.

some sort of sentiment about being at home in secret places??? hidden places? "belonging" there. wish I knew the full context.

cannot "remember" anything else. hopefully oliver does. we'll see.

after infi left I know ollie and I just talked for a bit? slept a bit maybe? I remember waking up at some point and he was snoring and it was the most adorable thing. oh man. just… even more SLC healing. that single morning when melody was having a nightmare and we just held her in her sleep until she calmed down. she didn’t even know. we wrote a poem about it later and shared it with her, it was too sincere to keep to ourself… but… that was the closest we ever felt to her. ever. it's heartbreaking.
and this. that little simple peaceful moment of just being totally comfortable and happy and ollie just snoring and no nightmares anywhere and everything was soft morning light and. man. never thought I'd be able to have this in life. but here we are.
and… the best part is, that feeling in SLC, that early-morning secret closeness, that DEFINES our days and nights and mornings and everything here. god. it's heaven on earth. it legitimately is everything we ever needed or wanted. that sounds so heavy-handed and almost intimidating, like we're demanding or expecting things or putting the broken arrows on a pedestal but we are NOT. we are just… so grateful. so full of love. so in awestruck heartfelt shock that this is… just how it is, here. no demands. no shackles. no fear, no tension. just love. just peace and understanding and total open love.

and then, all of a sudden, VERNON was fronting and I could have wept, he is so unsure of what to do with his blazing anger and he's in such pain, and we KNOW exactly what that feels like.
I talked to him for a bit, trying desperately to think of something to say but knowing how delicate words were. then not caring about that and just listening, entirely. caring so much I was in tears. wanting so badly for him to heal from that in time.
then WRECKAGE came out. I don't know when or how. but they both just talked trauma, empathetic in their shared fury at injustice and abuse, wanting to "burn everything to the ground" and "tear everything to shreds" and just… both of them asking, "what do we do with this." so scared of hurting their respective systems with it.
I can't find/see/access the dialogue but again, that feeling. that pain. wreckage was crying through furious teeth and god. how that hurts to know.

at some point I said:
"just because something has always been in the dark doesn't mean it won't sparkle when you hold it up to the light"
thinking of both diamonds, as a system metaphor, and infinitii.

I think there was further trauma-sharing, too. so cathartic to be able to unload that pain and not be afraid of lethal repercussions or further hurt. it's so important.

ALSO watching "seeing color for the first time" videos WITH LAURIE and i just cried, there was so much sheer heartbreaking ineffable miraculous joy in it.

"woke up" at like… 2pm.
made french toast (soaked it in eggs, vanilla soymilk, cinnamon, & honey for like 24 straight hours), done in butter, and we put blackberry jelly on it. wanted so badly in this ridiculously sentimental way for ollie to have some, and he did, which was the BEST THING. man. just that little feeling of making a meal for someone. a gesture of love in the most practical sense possible. we need to eat to live in these blessed bodies. and it is so important to eat things full of love. so that was very much that.

a decent amount of egg-soy-spice-honey left after all the bread so we added two more eggs and scrambled them up. didn't eat it yet; saving it for tomorrow maybe. but it was nice to have been able to make our own breakfast, safely and full of happy contentment and hope.

OUR 2001 JEWEL ATE IT????? I think??? "I don't have to go to school afterwards" "I can stay home and just draw and play pokemon"
SOLID fuchsia pink resonance. Total kid, super happy. Kind of bouncing her feet as she spoke, really adorable.
I also had about half of it, which was so nice. I am not used to eating yet but that was a nice way to practice, so to speak. Felt like "we can take care of ourselves" in the future

chilling in the living room with mason being awesome with video games
talking about our painful past histories and then somehow talking about sonic boom, i love how our conversations have no limits at all

 

"I'm sorry to interrupt this soul-sharing but there is A PRIUS FULL OF NUNS"

 

constantly referencing the rainfall system and how grateful we are that they're in our life, how much we love them, how precious they are to us. legitimately need to tell them this directly. not just "assuming it's obvious" solely because we feel it so strongly all the time.

porch trauma-sharing and just being so in love

relapse risks this evening? but we DIDN’T.
that is SO SIGNIFICANT.

now posting these from his computer.

in 24 hours we'll be back in that damned house. but we won't forget this. ever. it's in our blood. it will continue to save our life.

but to hell with plane flights.
we have one more night.
we have one more morning.

let's make this everything.

 

best day of my entire blessed life.

breakfast was super late due to us all sleeping in
made the BEST FRENCH TOAST KNOWN TO MAN.

ate it with genesis, gave some to xenophon, god I miss her so much it HURTS.

----

nightbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!
UTTERLY LIFE-CHANGING. WRITE ABOUT IT ASAP.

car ride back was hell that allowed for heaven to happen.

trauma flashbacks enough to drown a man

"we have no one who can do this job"
existential terror

wreckage in the gas station store. her fierce protective nature.

sharing that rice crisp thing with ollie, so much trust for us to even ASK that, especially in such a terrified state

-------------

the night after we got home was heaven on earth.

kissed ollie, little things but always meaningful.

chaos secretly kissing oliver just once. somewhere in all that.

"Infi really wants to kiss you"

"I don't want to hurt you."
"I love you too."

I can't even put into words what the echo of that FEELS LIKE.
GOOD LORD.

coming back in and just looking at him. man.

"fuck me"
"don't tempt me"

THE FREAKIN VIBE INFI WAS GIVING OFF; I THOUGHT ZE WOULD TRY TO.

feeling like a dream
"do you want me to remind you?"

running one finger down my/his ribcage/s
INEFFABLE.

remember ze still loves the "weird dog" thing

ollie couldn't stop shaking; "I can't stop looking at the stars"
"getting" the whole night air thing with infi; "it's different now"
sense of the divine.

everything felt GOLD coming back.

TEETH VS EYES; MASSIVE VIBE SHIFT!!!!!!!

coming back in after face-mouth feels GOLD
coming back in after face-eye feels like a FREAKIN' RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
(extroverted vs introverted energy; I feel the latter when infi holds it in; ollie felt the latter when infi directed it out!!!)

ollie even said, when infi came back to just look at him, the shakes STOPPED; it evened out. "passion" vs "space;" not cold, not 'far away,' but just… space, dude

at one point just held ollie to my chest because I was feeling SO MUCH and I knew I’d never be that raw & brave again if I didn't act on it now

somehow got into talking about chaos zero.
shark teeth.

I went into straight-up poet mode, north star vibe and all
lobster fisherman. living in, on, from, & for the ocean, and then coming home to it (him).
marriage. proposals. swallowing sea water.

CHAOS AND I CO-FRONTING. AND BOTH KISSING OLIVER
brine.
"you're still too close to my ribcage"


laurie and ollie. getting the guts to kiss him too that is SUCH A MILESTONE
"is that all you got"
"laurie you have to be the spark that starts the thunderstorm"

"my left arm is totally fuckin' gone"
asking ollie if he was aware of just how many scars/wounds she had on her abdomen

"shipwreck"

 

Well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to update.
I'm listening to some binaural beats right now to calm me down; the body's been unsettlingly off-kilter for the past week or two and already I'm feeling massive calmness from this (thanks theta waves, haha). So if I fall asleep while typing this up you will have to forgive me.

Anyway. First things first. I last updated here on the 10th, and I remember little concrete events since then, so let me just do a stream-of-consciousness list for whatever comes to mind.

Last Tuesday, I tried to update here, but failed due to stress overload. All I recorded was, "some thermophobic kid was out today-- TERRIFIED of heat." This is true; for some reason, the temperature was around 60 degrees Fahrenheit that day, and the moment it registered there was a full-out, hysteric panic attack.
When we got home the fear subsided entirely, which was bizarre. Also odd was the fact that, at that same time, I realized that I have no memories of what summer is like. None! I have the vague factual awareness that the trees and grass will get green and dark and the birds will be singing and flowers will be blooming, and it will be warm. But that's literally a snapshot data piece. All the "summer memories" of the past are rather buried, and feel negative. That's probably where this scared kid gets it. But that's new, and weird, because I literally have never seen summer and so I'm curious. Jewel says it's great, so I trust her. She loves summer, I love winter. It works out!
Also on Tuesday, there was an important note saying there was an overpowering feeling of sorrow, and being furiously frustrated over feeling "unable to express it," effectively driving that person to tears from the lack of catharsis. "That person" feels like Overload, and probably was (she deals with those sorts of sensations). Regardless that feeling has persisted on and off until today, and we're all working together sincerely to try and heal that, as it is obviously the main thing making us sick! Everything has internal roots so we are in the ideal position to fix those things, haha.

Last Thursday was Xenophon's 3rd birthday! Unfortunately my memory is shot so I remember little of it, but I can tell you this-- we made her extremely purple kale soup (purple kale, purple carrots, purple shallots, also tons of parsley) as it's her favorite food, she followed me around driving for the day, and I know we did something else but it's escaping me right now. Nevertheless I've been spending time with her whenever she wishes to, and when I'm mentally able.

On that note, we've taken to doing our nightly indoor walks again, with the old iPod on, as they are perfect for everyone just getting together and talking, or simply meditating when headspace isn't busy, or not accessible. They help a lot in terms of stability, too, as they're our only real "safe quiet time" during the day. However I mention them here because there are small but notable connections and interactions within the System every night we are tuned into those walks, so even if I can't "summarize" them here I can say with certainty that those little honest times are helping foster more community between us all. I think this sort of thing started in December, notably with this lovely night, and that was so significant to us all that we try to have similar times whenever possible now. In short the little things matter most.

I took out His Dark Materials from the library on Tuesday, so I will likely spend tomorrow writing down all the bookmarked passages I have for it, and then constructing a relevant entry around those IF needed. You know how quickly things change up here; what is still applicable will be discussed, what is not will not be. Nevertheless the experiences of reading the book need to be written down so an entry will happen either way.

I am currently playing this song on loop with the pitch dropped by 5 semitones, and it is great. I'm currently going through my mother's entire music library (so many CDs) and I stumbled across that one, so there you go. We're saving up for a new iPod as Razia is pretty shot at this point, but he still plays music! He's survived so much since 2010 (cross-country trips, being lost outside for several months, etc.) that I honestly have to applaud his hardiness. He's a tough little thing.

That creepy "clawteeth" voice from the 4th found her name: it's Wreckage. When feeling for it I kept getting the impression of "shambles," "ruins," etc. as well as a visual of destroyed buildings and scattered bones, but no letters. Then a day or two later I hit on the letter "w" which was weird as the sound I was getting was "r," like in the word "wrath" or "wreak." So I was fumbling about those two words until she essentially walked up to me during one of those times and said her name was Wreckage. Her color is also confirmed gold.
She reminds me vaguely of Spine in that she's powerful and gangly-thin, with an elongated head, but that's about it? Really she looks like she stepped out of the OFF game. I can't quite see her eyes yet, but she has this huge thin clawed fingers, as well as a mouth full of thin, sharp protruding teeth (hence her initial 'nickname'). She doesn't have a tail and I can't tell if she has horns on her head or not; there's something in the back I think but again, she's vague. She has thin sand-colored skin that looks like bleached leather stretched thin over her skeleton, hard to explain... she's wiry but it's like a compressed spring in that sense. She's all taut muscles and tightly bound power, wrapped around a skeletal frame. But, despite looking like she crawled out of a nightmare, she is a very benevolently-motivated individual (obviously as she's a Retributor). She's just like Laurie was at first: "I have an important job to do, and if you hinder me, I will show you no mercy."

Sylvain's brother is named Simeon. He's the little vanilla-colored boy that updates online whenever there's bad fronting fallout and we need someone to hold things together while we recuperate. That name had strong attachments to the color ages ago, and he said it fit when I asked him earlier this week. He's nowhere near as depressive as his brother could get, but no one yet understands the relationship between them both. Were they two halves of one entity? Did Sylvain "reset" after the massacre, or did his identity start "shifting" after the unwritten events of this day (in which he fronted and was terrified, surrounded by negative voices)? What exactly went on there? We have no answers yet but digging for them feels counterproductive, like we're trying too hard. So we'll just let that be for now, and be grateful for this kid in any case; he's a sweetheart.

I also haven't told you guys how flat-out awesome Minty is! She's actually been checking on me every night now for a few weeks now, before I go see my boss and then collapse into my room in headspace. We sleep holding a white Care Bear plush downstairs, since Minty issues plush bears specifically as "messengers" to protect or guard people when she can't-- almost like little fluffy angels. They have no will of their own, existing for that purpose of guarding others, and are effectively minor mental extensions of "the bear" more than anything. He still has no name either, but he's looking for it-- it starts with a "Br" and we think it has two syllables, that's all we can catch right now though. However he qualifies as a Protector, not a Retributor, and Minty is his 'apprentice' in that respect. She's really good at it, which now that I think about it, is likely because she's energetic and small and can run about other levels of headspace, whereas I have never seen The Bear leave the Underground. He sticks to the shadows and catacombs, staying away even from the windows. I don't know why-- he's not scared, he just stays hidden, or feels he has to for some reason? And he doesn't talk to people much, at all; again, he lets Minty pass along the messages. However, lately he has spoken to me here and there, so I got a better look at him than before-- and holy geez he's one creepy dude. I don't know if you remember his debut dream (with Laurie), but apparently yeah, he still has that big gaping maw of teeth split straight across his face, except he also has another one straight down the middle. It is WEIRD. But is is REALLY COOL. So yeah bear-dude has two mouths that intersect at the top like some kinda sandworm and it is boss

Last week we had to pick the mother up from work at 11PM so we were out driving in the dark for about 20 minutes and the "airport guy" came out fronting?? He was TALKING, he knew about the rest of us, he hasn't done that or showed his face since this day which was a very long time ago. But, he did show up in a dream last year, during a time period when we thought he had faded out, and I got this odd impression that his "ghost" (pre-manifested; he still has no face upstairs) was hanging around Sergei and Hyakin a few months ago? Either way I guess his anchor was stronger than we realized-- those memories of the sense of open-air adventure, of the literal airports and planes from 2012, are some of the only concrete first-person memories we have of that entire year. The man's got good roots, I guess he was just suppressed for ages because we haven't had that feeling of total "run out the front door and see what's out there" freedom since 2012. But with all the traveling we've been doing lately for therapy and things, I guess he's getting more energy coming in now, which is great. I tend to forget anchors work that way. Plus I don't like 'losing' people who have strongly stated their existence at least once, either in headspace or in the League, so I was honestly hoping we'd see him again, and that he'd stick around.
Similarly, the GMQ trio is still alive, but they're all slipping badly, and the last time they were out the Queen was missing. Their main concern is, rather tragically, "who are we, really?" What are our anchors? Why do we exist? What is our purpose? You get the idea. But they haven't found answers yet, and it's taking its toll on them. I don't know if I can offer any help as they are technically socials, and therefore do not have faces in headspace (they cannot be talked to unless you're fronting with them, which is very difficult since faceless fronting is head-based). Either way it hurts to see such existential struggle there. I'll keep you posted on that I suppose.

Speaking of therapy, Jewel and Sherlock have been keeping things together. Mostly we've just been data-dumping for the sake of coherence so nothing really 'new' has happened since our last recap. They've been the only two fronters for the most part, with a few tiny exceptions that I'm aware of-- last Tuesday, Wreckage came out for a moment? She was listening soberly and somewhat contritely to the therapist explaining something about retributive behavior-- I have no idea what it was, but regardless, listening to both her and Jewel beforehand had enough of an effect to get Wreckage to apologize to us (for her brutal debut), and start working with us firsthand. Which is incredible really; she's the main chthonic Protector, and is massively powerful. So of course she and Laurie are working together already. We'll talk more about that later.

Thursday-- yesterday-- was one of the most interesting therapy sessions ever. It started with Jewel, then Sherlock came out to talk data, but as he was revisiting old, dangerous thought processes in order to correct them, Laurie decided she needed to talk. I have one split-second data memory of that actually-- when people really want to front, there's this sudden painful tug at the heart center, physically as well as emotionally, and that hurts! It's an empathetic sort of shock that says, "hey, I really need to get out there." So the biggest switches are typically preceded by those. Anyway, then there was Laurie. The therapist caught on that it was her as soon as she spat out the word "bullshit" in response to those thought patterns-- which took a few minutes actually, as Laurie is actively trying to swear less. I don't know what they discussed but I know it had to do with me and I know it was important. But then, JULIE came out! All I know is that Laurie was trying to say when these negative responses had originated, and Julie realized she was the only person at all who could discuss them, so Laurie politely moved aside and let Julie phase in. That's odd to look back on-- I have no firsthand accessible memory of her there, but I can hear the "vibe" of her voice and that's both lovely and sad, to me.
Julie left after about two minutes and then Sherlock was back, somewhat frazzled but smiling, and tried to get a grip on the situation. However I have a very strong, very surreal "memo" sort of data note that INFINITII tried to talk. Just barely. But Sherlock paused and waited, let hir say a sentence or two, then reverently moved back and continued speaking. Again, no idea what ze said, or why, but that is the FIRST TIME ze's come out in a public situation so that's major... which is made even more incredible by the fact that Garrison was the next person to come out. I told you it was an amazing session! All I know about Garrison's fronting is that he sits quite straight, very focused, and his speech pattern is somewhat constricted? Like it feels "rectangular," if that makes sense. Sherlock doesn't; he's too much of a library, so it's broad. Garrison is very precise. Which is super cool. Anyway I know Jewel came out to close the session, being utterly dazed and not even trying to guess what had just happened, but then... Josephina showed up. Yes, he did. I am vaguely embarrassed but laughing at that fact, because Jo's presence is unmistakable, both because of his vocal register and his super-bright demeanor. Again, that's the second time Jo's ever come out in public-- with the first time only being back in January or so (he was out for a round of DDR at the movies, with the brother, which shocked all of us), so that's quite a quick and daring step forward! That really makes me smile to see.
Xenophon accompanied me for the drive home, which took about four hours-- apparently there was a lot of shopping to do and I remember very little of it outside of momentary snapshots. My only clear memory is around 3PM, driving all the way across town to return a store, and listening to my old Orson CD from beginning to end at Xenophon's request (she absolutely adores it). I know fronting was super-blurry because I can't deal with physical 'exuberance' well, which means trying to sing or talk animatedly or otherwise socialize will kick me out and get a Downstairs person in (I'm internally-rooted so that's still quite difficult for me).
In all honesty the rest of Thursday is a total blur, except for the fact that there was a lot of agitated discussion and action concerning the eating disorder voices, not sure how far that went. We're still working to try and manage that, which is getting a little easier now that we know of (hopefully) everyone tied to it, and Emmett is now OFFICIALLY the main eating dude now (he was pushed out for a while and that was catastrophic). Javier also helps a lot, thankfully, as he's one of the only three or so people who can order the Downstairs fronters to do anything he asks, including (most often) stopping an abusive meltdown or programmed behavior on a dime, something we all previously struggled to do even with extensive persuasion. Javier carries a lot of authority, being the Central Red holder, and he knows that so he uses it wisely and well.
In any case that guy feels insanely important, but smothered by some sort of fog. The Red slot has always been vital, and Javier has a ton of potential and ability that we are all very aware of, but he (and Spine!) keep getting overlooked. That is worrisome.
On that note, Javier and Waldorf are now apparently BFFS, they're both working with Spine as well, and I also saw Javier talking to Nathaniel with surprising sincerity yesterday? In any case, the guy is definitely taking direct action to fixing his "left out" problem.
The Spectrum told us, very clearly, that Spine is just as important. She belongs in the Brown Central slot, whether she feels she fits the bill or not. But the more we learn, the more we realize that is very true. All of us are important. We don't give ourselves enough credit.

 

Oh! Thanks to being inspired by those binaural beats, I just stumbled across this article, purely by "coincidence," and it is absolutely full of personal relevance. Definitely going to review that with everyone else; we need to make sure the correct thought processes take root, instead of all the old blackened brittle stuff. Sweep out the cobwebs and put up the crystal really.

The Tar still feels like spiders crawling around inside, sticky melted-tarmac arachnids creeping about. The seaweed-girl says sometimes it feels like they're in the stomach, when she has to purge out really heavy stuff. The chthonic people said "insects are important" and confirmed that there are still big benevolent beetles and things in the basement levels, no one knows exactly why though. Jezebel (personified Tar) is also still around but we don't know where. She was talking to Infinitii the other day and it was really chilling. What I do know is that the Tar itself, in its largest amount, is currently infesting Infinitii (as ze reclaimed its color slot). None of us are too sure what to do about that yet, other than get it out of hir, but it's tricky business.
Similarly, the Plague is stuck in me and it feels like calcification, it's awful. Not crystals, but crystallized buildup of something. Like battery corrosion. Two totally different things. FROST* has a song that reminds me of it, did you know? "Saline," like tears. "Fine chilling mime; and I don't know if I can believe in all the lies; calcify; and I don't know if I can survive the feeling, losing all that's mine." Laurie recited that line to me today when I brought up this point, and it's bizarrely relevant. There's relevance in everything if you look deep enough, and that's the point. The stuff you need always comes to you when you need it, if you're open to it, regardless of context. Reminds me of Dream World, yet again.

Today there was a massive hack. I won't go into details because I promised "Victorian" that I wouldn't (she still doesn't have a name; we're trying to find one but Wreckage says that might be tough as she's very depressed and isn't offering much energy to that purpose). Nevertheless, I think the buildup to it is part of WHY the unknown person from last week was terrified of heat-- this evening was oddly quiet and warm and dark, like the summer, and INSTANTLY the horrible internal swarming horror started.
I've never quite explained what hack threats feel like... it's not angry voices, it's more like syrupy-dark insidious twining, as if the shadows are suddenly wrapping around your legs and stomach all humid and constricting, like heated snakes. But it just creeps. And it's scary, because I try to run or otherwise override that sudden flooding of dark around my feet, but the instant fear causes me to badly dissociate. That's the REAL threat of hacks. The inescapable feeling that "the basement is flooding and the water is rising," but the water is like molasses watered down with blood and it's hot and soporific, so by the time it reaches your neck your panic instinct has already kicked up to twelve and your mind is shutting down. You know what that's like? The initial panic, "oh no I know what this is trying to build up to," and the feeling of kicking through the water with electrified nerve, all thin and jangling and shallow breathing, can last for hours. But it dulls out terribly fast. The thick dark keeps rising, but that sugar-melt warmth isn't just toxic anesthesia, it also feels too much like long-ago horrors and so the panic turns flat. "I don't want to feel this again." You can't run, it won't go away, you've been trying for hours or days or years and it's still creeping. "If this persists I am going to lose my mind, it's too terrifying." So things shut down. And then they appear. All the girls, all the women, smiling and touching and perfumed liar smiles, heavy with soft fatal coffin weight. While you are so far out of your own body that you can't fight, you can't remember how to fight or run anymore, all you remember are locked doors and humid rooms and dark windows and being pinned underneath blankets trying to breathe and failing. So you stop trying so you don't suffocate. And then nothing. And then suddenly someone is pulling you out of the flood (which has been over your head for so long that you thought the thick choking was your new air), and your whole body is in horrible wrenching pain, shaking and sick and shattered like splintered bones painted in bruises, your stomach feels like its full of broken mangled machinery and the bloodied oil is leaking everywhere. All you want to do is cry like a child but you are so dead tired you would rather sleep forever first. That's what a hack feels like lately.
I apologize. That just happened. I guess it was needed to be written.
So. Celebi was actually responsible. NOT our Cel-- who is tied to the 2001 consciousness-- this girl was the video-game one, who has a totally different attitude. I knew something was wrong the second she showed up; she's always had this really "wrong" vibe about her and she feels like total danger but I just dimly played along? Like an automaton. Everything looking back is in third person. Why? I was in the attic for some reason. Ventrium was there. His vibe clashed with the whole thing. Celebi kept goading him to do what she wanted, eventually he let her take charge. I kept trying to just walk out, walk away, I felt upset and unsafe, I kept dissociating and she kept shouting at me not to. I didn't want to be there at all, I felt sour-sick and scared and I wanted to leave, but she persisted. The next thing I knew I was in my room and I was ACUTELY aware that someone else was in the body, instead of me, but upstairs INFI was talking to Celebi?? Although they were using totally different language vibes and Infi wasn't getting involved at all. However ze did nothing to stop her, and I have no idea what they were talking about or why. However the shock of seeing hir there when I was in such pain, with hir not even paying attention to me or offering to help, basically not even seeming to realize or care that I was in great danger... that was it. My brain just blanked out. It was the point of feeling so numbly hopeless that it just turned off rather than deal with whatever was next.
Then suddenly there is a massive time loss, and the next thing I know, Wreckage is sitting at my computer for a moment and scowling furiously, then we're outside and she's throwing something into the woods behind the house, then I'm standing in the middle of the muddy lawn in a bathrobe and slippers feeling cold and not-awake, like everything is unreal. I didn't know where I was or who I was or what I was doing really. I felt small and lost and surreal but I felt the earth alive under my feet for a second and that made me feel safer, like there was something greater and kind and alive supporting beneath me even now. Then I'm walking into the kitchen and Laurie is there and I'm sad and asking her never to leave, never ever, please stick around you're the only safe person left. I remember she said she would.
Wreckage and Laurie talked a lot then, as I sat on the floor in the corner, feeling about seven years old. They were discussing their roles as protectors and retributors, saying that this could not go on any longer, at any cost. Mostly they were baffled, furious, and deeply shaken that there had been "no alarms" for that, it was because the numb state had said "everything is okay" in the way a drowning man says it when he already knows he's going to die. Laurie was really heartbroken but so was Wreckage, they were both in tears at one point.
I know later the Victorian-pink girl wandered in, just sat there across from me, didn't say much. I was trying to cook things but realized I wasn't hungry, I was caught between wanting to "bury the sick pain" and "eat something good to cancel it out"; I felt like throwing up but was too tired and sad and sick. Spice showed up when she realized there was a risk, so she joined the discussion. Then we got Emmett and Aimee in to finally eat, keeping things safe, and Spice was very friendly with them which was great (also you can always tell when Emmett is eating because he thinks the body has a big snakey head like his, but it doesn't, so watching him bite stuff is always funny). Then Javier was actually in at the end to talk to us, which started off uneasily-- I think there were some ED-related programs running and he showed up to stop them, but when he heard there had been a hack, he immediately got out his trident and asked who was the culprit. I remember that because Laurie said "no killing anyone," not even the lethal people, because of how Julie had turned out. Laurie considers Julie one of her best friends at this point, so if she of all people could turn from our biggest nemesis into one of our dearest members, Laurie didn't want to steal that chance of redemption away from anyone else. Javier seemed a little moody but agreed, while Wreckage seemed contemplative again. She's got a surprising capacity for empathy (like Knife), so that's part of it, but then she said Laurie was right-- because everyone deserved a chance at health and happiness, which were the two things all the chthonic voices dreamed of and pursued, yet who were born from the exact opposite of it. So she understood in a rather personal way, why everyone should have that opportunity IF they don't abuse it. She is not going to back down from her retributor job anytime soon, thank God, because most of the others did thanks to how brutally externalized it got (with the bloodletting) and the painful consequences of that (Algorith said flat-out it was unfair as hell that the Retributors had to take the pain that was meant to atone for what someone else did). And of course no one knows what to do with Infi, who is this half-holy half-horrible entity in the System, someone we all love and fear both, the center of this struggle right along with me. So it's confusing and scary and we all feel rather lost about it most days. But I think we're all back in the game now. It's a real light of hope for all of us.
Really it was so nice, though, when all was said and done, that a tragic incident at least allowed such discussion to take place. It took about two hours and thanks to massive dissociation I didn't have much fallout, but it'll likely leave scars. I don't know. It's a mess.
...Also, just remembered, Infi and I actually touched on that whole "dissociate when hacks threaten" thing back in October. "Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men." That's even more heartbreaking now than it was then.

Speaking of that mess.
Much earlier today, I saw Amara talking to CZ upstairs. It came out of nowhere, I have no idea why, but there he was. Weirdly I couldn't "see" him clearly at all, and it didn't hit me until then that that's become normal for him. Other than those sudden lucid flashes late at night, I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever was able to see him clearly on a daily basis. I'm not sure if I ever have. And... how do I put this. Apparently that runs deeper than we thought, but just as deeply as I worriedly suspected. Because, Amara was talking to him and then realized she couldn't give the sort of help she felt he needed (which was specifically "more force" in delivering her points, something Laurie is the king of), so she asked the Archivists if they could assist her. Well lo and behold, Isadora actually stepped down, and started talking to him, again I don't remember about what... but then her two friends joined her. So now Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha were all trying to talk to CZ, checking notes and writing things down the whole time, trying to get a group on the situation... and suddenly they confirmed my suspicious.
Chaos is split. All the Outspacers are split.
Do you remember this entry, where Markus first clarified to us that Outspacers had non-System origins BUT were able to enter our community through making a choice to "start again?" To quote, "they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all." Originally I thought that just meant they "dreamed of a new life" and were able to live it here... but I was so used to my own situation that I didn't realize that "new lives" seems to require "new selves" as well.
Things don't follow old "canons" up here because those don't apply at all anymore. They NEVER DID. Geez, when these people entered our inner world in 2002 Jewel had almost no awareness of their native worlds, allowing them to literally build an entirely new history and life from that blank slate of her mind. They weren't SUPPOSED to be tied to their old canons, that was the WHOLE POINT.
Nevertheless, every single one of them already had the beginnings of that personality-split before they joined us up here.
Ryman and Markus both had "Yamis" that acted independently of them, and Markus's was canonically part of him already.
Genesis had a notable "personality break" with his shattered gem, effectively 'restarting' who he was.
Celebi had the whole 4th-movie corruption event, and then the 'many timeline selves' that followed.
Mr. Sandman is a reality-jumper and living multiple lives is part of his job.
Xennie is the only exception because she was born in headspace and therefore doesn't quite count as an 'outspacer' in the strict sense.
Either way this is mostly conjecture and it's hard to put into words but I can feel legitimacy to it, it makes SO much sense, I mean even Grievous and Davy had this same freaking issue of "divided selves," in small or large ways, EVERY single person who ever even had the potential to become an Outspacer had this. We all have our own 'split personality' issues, if you'll forgive the language, no surprise there.
So as it stands, it looks like that's the "real" hidden factor allowing people to enter here-- to reiterate, yes they need the ability to "dream a new life," but in order to do THAT, they need to also be able to "dream a new SELF" to an extent.
As for how that affects CZ? Well, most obviously-- you guys know about Perfect, right? But do you realize what his existence implies? And do remember what Perfect used to be like upstairs? I know I didn't until I was forced to backtrack this morning and then it was downright shocking. Ironic, too, when the long-string symbolism and relevance hits. I really do need to type up an entire entry about that ONCE I get a better grip on this... all I can tell you for sure right now is that there is massive dissonance between CZ's two 'selves,' on all levels, that needs to somehow be harmonized.
I think CZ started to "split" but never really reconciled it, if that makes any sense. He's still, simultaneously, the headspace-rooted him and the StH-rooted him, the former being far more volatile and the latter being far more tranquil. Perfect is tied inherently to the former. However they're both entirely him, and they're both at war. This all sounds like a jumble of words and I apologize; I just keep thinking of that Kim Jensen song and the old Jewel keeps trying to talk through me, but she's nothing but a lingering core-aura now and I don't want to be talking like her just because I feel "obligated to" on this topic. Then again I personally don't have much experience with it. So it feels like a mess, which I'm sorry for, but which is fitting because this topic is a mess right now.
Anyway, I cannot say much else for sure at the moment (battery is dying anyway).
...However. The other night, CZ actually told me that he's "been a stormy sea" for far too long, and that "wasn't the real him." For as long as I've known him, I've known that his deepest energy is actually peaceful and calm, not the raging sort of tidal-wave vibe that he's been emitting for quite some time now. He's apparently been struggling with that himself. It's just that no one could figure out why, or even guess, until now. I suppose that has to do with us losing most access to the past-- stuff doesn't get in the accessible archives unless a core puts it there, and I haven't looked at that stuff in years. I'm going to have to do that now, I suppose, as much as I feel I need to.
So it seems that CZ's real issue in not being able to find stability lately isn't just that he never "dreamed a new self" separate from his root canon, someone that could exist as part of headspace... it's also because he can't get his two inner "selves" to cooperate whatsoever, and there is an actual mental break between them. There has been for at least SIX YEARS and we completely took it for granted after so long.
I don't know. I'm thinking out loud. Forgive the dramatic mess of that paragraph, it's dipping into ancient pre-Spectrum mindstates and I'm going to need to look at all this again later when I'm not rushed for time and content.
My heart is notably breaking though. I... I haven't been feeling any ties to him in a while because of this? Not since December, before that horrible event that forced us all to 'reset' on some level. I wonder how that affected him. I never asked. But right now, I'm getting the same thing I did during that Xanga-- all those old memories of love, even the ones that are just vibes or feelings or awarenesses, and they are all so intimately real and honest and bright. Like light shining through a suncatcher and tossing bright colors all about the room, except you can't touch them, they're just coloring every bit of you. That's what it feels like. But that conversation holds more relevance to this than I realized and I really, really need to review all of this...
...They say that if you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have let him go. Looking back, I can see it. I have turned him away, I have thrown him out, I have denied him to his face. And he's done the same to me, many times. We've even stepped into the positive and effectively said, "hey, no hard feelings, but I think we're done." We've gone our separate ways far too many times. But that old injoke still applies. No one is getting a divorce here, in any sense. We don't think that's possible, even if we wanted one, and a few times we did consider it, with terrible sadness, through all the crushing pain. But it never took hold. Something, something we can't understand at all, always held us together, even when we didn't want it to. And that seems to be the point, doesn't it? When you get down deep enough, when you let go of all the suffering and rage and agony and 'Perfect ' shadows, for both of us... when there's nothing left but pure color, we tend to stick together.
I don't know. It feels utterly strange right now. There are too many blocks for me to see clearly. But I'll fix that too. I promise I will.

 

Also geez all this entry backtracking is hitting me in the face with sudden ancient relevance (things are just jumping out of the woodwork that didn't even have such relevance util now, good heavens) and I need to write all this down but there is no time tonight. Remind me.

On a different, brighter note... on Wednesday night I suddenly got all this insight about the System (which broke through my "headspace-fog" for the first solid time since last Sunday really), and ended up kneeling on the rug and scribbling notes onto paper for two hours or so. I tried to graph out the vertical structure of headspace-- which our therapist had some brilliant insight on-- and also was checking the Spectrum lineup for stability and slot status: who's slipping, who has an unstable color, whose roles have changed, etc. It was very helpful actually, and I won't type all that up here because 1) it's late and 2) I want to scan that in first so you have a visual! It NEEDS to be talked about, especially because we haven't even attempted to graph the "Spectrum flowchart" since last spring, BEFORE the Undergrounders appeared, and we thought Teal and Pink were "mutant slots." Yes, it's only been a year since then, my mind was boggled too. But it really made me smile, widely and genuinely, to see that, as it was basically a concrete display of just how much we've grown since this time last year. Honestly the progress has been absolutely incredible... which is why I am hoping, so much, that we can figure something out to heal Infinitii before hir first "birthday" in the System in two weeks. I love hir, I really do, and it hurts my heart to see hir in this state, all weird and vague and flatline-feeling, when I remember so clearly what ze feels like on hir beautifully good days.
But the Spectrum is like Dust. It's alive, it knows us, and it loves us, and everything will work out exactly when it needs to... no sooner, and no later, just like Laurie said.
I've got a whole audio file entry on that, which I'll type up tomorrow. You guys have gotta hear this, it's super cool.

Also, in light of those papers, we've been talking symbols lately, especially around Central. Those of you who know me and Jewel might know that Jewel is in charge of a ton of "series," or rather, stories about other worlds she dreams about, collectively called the "Lightraye League." There's a ton of color and meaning and symbolism in them, but it tends to differ and shift from one to another, so those stories often require an organizational visual element and that's where I come in! I have this amusing fondness for organizing things visually, and it's the easiest to do with symbols, so that's my job. Series identification symbols? We have 13. LG*Girl morph marks? Got 24 so far. Dream World elements? All 34 are done! You get the idea.
But that's the point: our System never had anything like that, and we're wondering if that would work for us. Symbols are, when they're tied to people, highly personal and just as powerful as names are. When tied to things like energy colors, it gives that 'abstract concept' a sort of nominative solidity, and makes it into something individually deserving of respect and recognition. Again, considering how our inner world is basically alive, we feel that the magic sort of caring that goes into 'finding' symbols would be merited, for energy colors at least, if not also our members. I mean the phenomenon actually started way back in 2002, with Jewel and the original Outspacers-- her symbol was a heart, Ryman's was a star, Markus's was an octagram, Chaos's was a Saturn-shaped planet, and Genesis's was a four-pointed star. They also all had their own personal colors (respectively red, blue, violet, cyan, and amber, originally), which I daresay you can understand the obvious significance of! But actually, that whole color/symbol phenomenon was intrinsically tied to the phenomenon of soul forms, element abilities, etc. It was like saying, "here's a piece of magic to represent you... now you can represent part of the magic in turn."
There are similar small but 'identifying' symbols actually developing in Central, as we all have our own colors already-- Spine has a skull, Lynne has a violin, Josephina has a jingle bell, Nathaniel has a moth, Waldorf has a ring, Leon has a pair of scales, Laurie has an axe, Julie has a flower, Infinitii has an eye (we think?) and I'm partial to lotuses, but that feels too broad for 'just me.' Javier is new so he hasn't found anything yet, but you get the picture. However as I said, they're mostly more for identification than for representation, as there is distinction there, and no one but Central has any. We're wondering, should that change?
If nothing else, it would greatly expand the depth and personability of our System, if that makes sense? It's hard to put that feeling into words. It's more expansive, more mythical almost, like now it's not just a story, it's a World. It now has some element of recognized connection in it, to all other similar things. Again, words aren't working. But, in short, it might give us that little needed 'push' in order to be part of the League. Yes it's important! You probably don't quite get why as you don't have our experience with it and that's understandable. But... again, it's an energetic thing. The League feels like a web, like a graph, like a stained-glass mandala, like a great interconnected sparkling thing. There's this feeling of love and unity between every jewel-like world in it, linking them all together, even if they don't realize it. And those symbols are representations of that connection, of the similar elements that don't bleed over so much as they shine through and within. Colors, music, magic, people... all of them linked together in both big and little ways. It's so much like us, in a different way... we're so much like it, in a different way. So we want to be part of it. We want to be a piece of that greater whole, after having felt so separate from it for so long, after having briefly touched it in tiny raindrop ways over and over through the years, even though our deepest roots transcend even the trauma and bloom straight from the gemstone heart of it. We want to settle into that cosmic pattern and stay there, embraced by the great bright love of it, of everyone else, once and for all. We want a happy ending, for all of us, and we will get it.

Lastly, relatedly, and to be continued... in reviewing the Spectrum lineup, I realized that yes, I can still sense people and their conditions when I am tuned in, and it's surprisingly effortless in that context. So in checking the colors I did see that some people are having trouble, some people have moved, some people are in transition phases... all stuff we've either overlooked, missed, or taken for granted. Either way none of it has really been discussed here! So that's for next time too.
But, best of all, that inward/outward reaching sparked something honest and admiring in me and I realized that everyone in the System has their own personal energy vibe. Not the simple slot-related "checkup" resonance, I mean their own individual radiance, six senses worth. Way back when I started trying to write those impressions down, but it's been so long since, that I wondered if I could still get it?
I CAN. It is AWESOME and it is so much clearer than ever, really the joy of being able to feel these people in such a brilliantly clear and real way is just... it's incredible. It surpasses the awful "third person" feeling that inner lives can get at times, overpowered by the inescapable and constant sensory input of physical reality. I can sadly overlook my inner life because of that, and see it as something less real, less strong. But then, when I tune in, suddenly all these beloved individuals aren't just faces and names and colors "in my head," they are tangible beautiful people and their visible absence in physical reality has absolutely no effect on that fact. It turns the world upside down in the most wonderful way; suddenly the universe is twice as big and it's gorgeous, I can't help smiling, even if I'm dizzy from the sudden massive shift in depth!
So yes, long story short, I have a new energy-perception file and I am putting honestly sincere care, respect and attention into perceiving every single System member's personal aura. It demands compassion and trust and closeness from me, first of all, and also from those I'm tuning into. So some people are almost unidentifiable yet, some people only have half the channels open, and some people are instantly and powerfully cognizable. It's really forcing me to open my heart entirely, at the very least, as well as demanding that I not 'play favorites' as I used to, and acknowledge everyone's inherent, equal worth. Everyone in here is amazing, we all exist for an important reason, and we all deserve to have our worth honored. This is tangible proof of that.

Good Lord this is 16 pages in Microsoft Word. I'd better wrap things up.
Battery is dying again, so see you later.

 

 

Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White isn't I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.