082917

[prismaticbleed]

ashen talking to oliver in the morning!!! let him hug her. SUPER BRAVE. terrified of the nakedness and close contact, but she asked him if he really loved us or something??? testing the context so to speak.
TOTAL TRUST. GOOD LORD.
wreckage fronted for like five incredulous seconds afterwards. could barely believe that had just happened.

CRUSADE????? in the shower. SHE'S the one who wants to kill all "sexual" people!!! that role has been tossed between so many people but she is pure vicious vitriol and so it's her job alone now.

CANNON IS NOT VICIOUS; SHE'S DEPRESSED????? SHE'S A TRAUMA-HOLDER!!!!!
Cannon is the one that used to watch those gore videos online, and she was the one who would be bitter over relationships and such but she'd just cry with helpless anger. she compartmentalized those violent impulses and they became nousfoni.

tough day. had to go shopping for food, both of us got severely overstimulated.
kitchen environment felt JUST LIKE the old house. terrifying. despair hit REALLY fast. terror of "will we never be free of this;" so scared that it had followed us here. "will we ever be safe", guilt because ollie didn't deserve us reacting like this either. ever. we're such a mess with this trauma nonsense.
overload came out. good lord it's been months. threw a book, bit our arms, almost pushed ollie. the whole time she was aching with regret and self-loathing but she was torn to shreds with overstimulated rage. she exists TO burn it off, but she hates herself for getting others caught in the crossfire. she kept thinking of the time she had another cathartic burnoff like this in slc, and mel never forgot it. overload cannot forgive herself for that even now. she didn't mean to scare or hurt anyone. she never does. but she's terrified that she will inevitably do so whenever she comes out.
I remember her apologizing to ollie and just sobbing on our bed. oh dear heart.

infinitii on the porch. some gold one-liners again
the "mission" bit. oliver saying he was kind of terrified of the idea and infi just LAUGHING IN THAT WAY.
ollie asked hir if ze'd ever "get bored" of him? infi did this AMAZING little laugh and grin, saying "ollie. no." that was PURE SASS but it was sass motivated by absolutely fathomless love and good lord. it was perfection.