(completely uncensored. it would lose all its honesty otherwise.)
I am so disgusted right now by both the world, and by myself
1. there is so much fcking
horrid stuff going on out there, and
2. part of me
hates people for doing those things.
I abused myself so much today already I am so sorry.
I keep detaching from this body, and then when it gets all mucked up and awful I'm still detached somewhat. numb. not even comprehending why I SHOULD care. it's sad
these is so much toxicity out there and it's getting into me and I'm scared of it
there's a seething hatred towards men that was never there before
not just men, masculinity in general
which includes me
which is making me hate myself for being transgender
which is making me hurt myself more
which is making me suicidal because I am now stuck between TWO "evils"
either look/feel like my rapists, or look/feel like
their rapists
I fcking hate this world
I fcking hate this
"rapist" shouldn't even be a fcking word
no one should do that ever ever ever
but this poison is in my/our brain now and it's making me paranoid and I don't know what to do
it's terrible
I'm not a boy I'm not a girl I'm not a man I'm not a woman okay?
please
let me be
at this point I really wish I was noncorporeal, like a mist or something
it's unbearable
the hormones are helping with a lot, don't get me wrong, it's great
but THEN here comes this internalized anti-male-everything thought process
even if I'm NOT a guy, "god forbid" I take on ANY characteristics of one
it's making me very very unsure of myself
but I cannot, I cannot live in a female-bodied body
I can't
god help me but I
can't, I
tried, it was unbearable
still is for the most part.
but I can't, I can't,
please realize females aren't inherently faultless, flawless,
I'm not saying they're bad
I'm just saying that in my life 99% of the people who were abusive towards me were women
the men were harmless by comparison
please
I'm not a woman and I don't want to look/feel like THEM either
there are two sides to this coin
but I still feel like being demi-masculine is evil now.
this is bullshit where did this come from
a lot of it IS internally generated, I've noticed
yes tumblr is toxic as HELL and I want to LEAVE THAT WEBSITE
FOREVER the only reason I haven't is because I have friends on there
I will have to apologize because really,
I do not feel safe on that website, at all I do not like it there I hope they wouldn't mind if I just quit because god I NEED to, I want to leave so badly
but I keep thinking "stay for the audience" "stay to help and inspire people"
fck this, is this going to be my life forever
self-sacrifice left and right? up and down?
flay yourself bloody because someone else might gain a tiny bit of insight from it?
that's been my life so far, absolutely, I'm sick of it
but that feels "blasphemous" to say
the oldest fear in my head is "you NEED to suffer or you will NEVER be holy enough."
basically,
"you don't deserve heaven unless you've PAID for it"
it's the fear that, just by being born, I inherited an overwhelming debt
and I need to spend my life "suffering" to make up for the intense "bad" I committed by being born, like ruining my mother's life, forcing my family to pay for food and medical care for me, being "abnormal" and therefore inconveniencing and upsetting everyone else, et cetera
whenever something nice happens to me, my instant thought is:
"how do I pay them back for this?" or, "how will I end up paying for this?"
no free lunch, basically
it didn't hit me until yesterday that I might already
deserve some nice things?
like, if someone was kind to me, it was because I had
already done something to pay that price
that just… blows my mind. I feel that nothing I've done, ever, is "good" let alone "good enough"
someone ELSE has to do good FOR me, and then the "good" I do is BECAUSE I am PAYING SOMEONE BACK.
that's the sad core of this really.
it's that childhood scared belief that I, as I am, am worthless and bad unless I am working in total servitude to another being, without any free will of my own
except that has done nothing but put me through hell so far
the family means well but god they are not always right,
they are not always right sometimes they are downright
toxic and I am still struggling to accept that
and then there are these floating voices,
all the messages outside, online and in books,
everything else.
everything that speaks against what my heart is allegedly wanting or saying.
but no, "you can't listen to your own heart, it's corrupt! all the evils of man come from the heart! only god knows what is right. …and I am a mouthpiece for god, therefore you must listen to ME."
also insinuating that "god is not in my heart" which is literally the definition of hell and is THE most existentially terrifying thought ever, ever, ever
but that's the religious paranoia.
"god is out THERE, he is NOT in you, for you are flawed and an unworthy vessel. you must obey everything you are told, NEVER what you think on your own."
bullshit
I mean
please let it be bullshit
I mean
I will still obey, I won't fight or anything
but
if I question things please don’t be so mad at me?
I mean
I want to be able to question things without automatically getting crushed by fear and guilt
its terrible when I realize that,
every time, EVERY TIME, I think "well I'm not sure,"
I AM WRONG.
I AM PROVEN AWFULLY WRONG OVER AND OVER
and so I am taught, BY PROOF, that I REALLY AM INHERENTLY FLAWED
and cannot know what is right on my own
and so I spend 40 minutes staring at the same spot in a grocery aisle because I'm trying to figure out what floating voices to listen to and whether or not they're good or wise or even sensible, and then I second-guess myself over and over, and then by the time I get home I am so sick and guilty and tired and angry that I abuse myself and destroy whatever I bought because fck you, fck you I am tired of this, I am tired of being a puppet, I am tired
then they have the nerve to suggest that I'm "not psychotic"
do you have any fcking idea
listen I am trying desperately to put a name to this condition I'm in and that MATCHES
they've been putting us on antipsychotic pills for years anyway
but if that label fits, then hey, maybe NOW we can GET ACTUAL RELEVANT HELP
then again maybe it's just me
partly?
the stuff they label as "hallucinations" and "delusions" are TYPICAL in the body no matter what, ask any social fronter ever.
and hell they cause us a LOT of distress we just don't ever talk about them because we're paranoid or don't want people to know. if they know they could make it worse, after all.
but yeah maybe I'm the worst
maybe it's just because of the d.i.d. that they won't diagnose us with the other things we match symptoms for
but really I don't want to be fcking "mentally ill" I don't want a laundry list of diagnoses and pills to match
I want to be able to say, "here are the terms to describe what we are currently going through,"
but damn it THEY WILL NOT STOP ME
I AM NOT A VICTIM HERE
if a symptom pisses me off I will try to heal it, or at least we all will
but a lot of the "symptoms" for these things AREN'T "symptoms" in an illness sense?
a lot of the "symptoms" are part of WHO WE ARE
and that's the problem
you walk into an office and they're like "tell me what’s bothering you"
and typically the answer is,
"nothing we're totally fine"
because damn it lady we're not going to tell you about what else we see/feel in the room,
or about what happened in headspace last night,
or about this frustrating society shit we're dealing with,
or the suicidal thoughts or the depression or the panic or the paranoia,
we're not going to tell you ANYTHING about the religious mission because YOU'LL probably try to tell us it's "delusional" too.
and really don't forget about the ~apathy~ that you TAUGHT us to feel because
"you're not supposed to have problems!"
or, as they would say,
"oh, don't be like that!" "don't be so silly!" "grow up!" "man up!" "this is why I hate being in this house!" "it's all in your head!" "just don't pay attention to it and it'll go away!" ET CETERA.
in other words,
"you're not acting "normal" and that makes me uncomfortable so please force yourself to act "normal" thanks."
which is kind of sad, what is it about "abnormality" that frightens these people so much?
is it because they have things like this lurking beneath the surface that they don't want to accept or look at?
like some things, they can be so scary you don't want to acknowledge they exist. I know, that happens.
maybe that's why "abnormal" people scare "normal" people. because deep down I don't think anyone is ever really "normal" in that sense.
anyway
secretly we want to be the super-vanilla happy springtime white linen dresses pure happy kid
like the poster child for a healthy normal well-adjusted childhood
you know what I mean.
we WANT to be so utterly guileless, so totally flawless and innocent and untouched, and naïve even,
we WANT to be that pure and virginal. totally. absolutely.
but
people laugh at that?
people condemn that, actually
"it's so shallow"
"it's so fake and boring"
you know what I don't give a shit
or at least part of me doesn't
part of me doesn't care how "dull" it may be to you, we WANT to be that innocent again,
you don't appreciate what you had until it's gone
that's another thing that fcking sucks about adulthood and misogyny and shit
women are infantilized,
which is really fcking annoying and REALLY fcking disturbing,
women like that terrify us absolutely,
but also
children are sexualized.
read that again
children are sexualized. do you see the problem
the double problem here
we identify more as a child than anything, when it comes down to it
there are a lot of kids in this system
and guess what,
they're the traumatized ones.
how fcked up is that.
how fcking fcked up is that
it breaks my heart
and now, now in our adulthood, now we're getting a taste of BOTH poisons because like I said,
you start presenting as a man and you get the backlash of this shit
of all the hurt ones screaming out in the primal way, the only way they know how to at first,
"destroy what destroyed me"
we know the feeling, it's what made us misogynistic in the first place
and we are so so so sorry
so maybe this is karma
but we're learning and we want to heal this in ourselves too.
so we're still hating ourselves for being transgender, isn't that awful
but that isn't even the worst part
remember we are still genderqueer as a whole
so although we're presenting as masculine
there is still accepted and embraced femininity in here
and this is bad because,
the same fcking society that says "kill all men"
is the same damn society that says "women are objects"
just different sides, same shit
oh yeah, and also
BOTH men and women are reduced to sexual caricatures
EVERYONE is expected to be sleeping with someone
even if you're not straight or cisgendered
I was never objectified as much as I was after I tried joining the "gay community"
or the "trans community" too
which is really fcking awful
all anyone did in either of those was talk about sex
like is that all we are? even in our own eyes?
we reduce ourselves to nothing but sexual behaviors?
so then the cishet people portray themselves as the "glorifed normal" in contrast to the "depraved queers"
please forgive my language
but yeah look at the bullshit the cishet people are putting out
all this goddamn porn and abusive relationships and FCKING SEXUALIZING
CHILDREN yeah the non-cishets aren't innocent either but damn it that's not the point right now.
the point is that this society built on the whole straight white cisgender male authority shit is UTTERLY FCKING TERRIBLE and IT NEEDS TO BE FCKING BURNT TO THE GROUND AT THIS POINT
thanks patriarchy you fcking suck
so.
we have got one hell of a task, living in this world
1. heal the misogyny
2. heal the misandry
3. heal the trauma
4. stand strong as ourself
5. don't hate anyone
#5 is so difficult lately and that's scary
is it the depression? I heard misanthropy can be a symptom and that surprised me
but
for us it's religious
damn it
everything is religious with us, WHY
oh wait, I know why'
it's because we were raised this way and the environment didn't fcking
begin to change until we were about 18, 19 years old
and to top it all off we're also dealing with "mental illness" on top of all that
but
the trauma made it worse
makes it worse
like
where do you draw the line
there are people out there screeching "freedom of speech" and "liberation" and shit
but so much of it is SO WRONG in our eyes at least
just
god what do we do
we are trying so hard to just "live and let live" but
I don't know
this awful hyperreligious mindset makes things so damn difficult
we are legit convinced we are something "chosen"
in whatever sense
but those damn demonic floating voices keep saying "you blasphemer, no you're not, you're shit, you're dirt, you're worthless, god would spit on you, you are worth NOTHING"
and then I think "well you wouldn't be fcking saying that if you weren't trying to STOP me now would you"
to which they start to threaten me and swear at me and all sorts of other scary things
then the fcking physical "hallucinations" happen.
which is "just great" as sarcasm would put it. sarcasm only happens because you're bitter about the truth but don't want to admit the truth because you feel ashamed or doubtful or self-loathing about it.
the truth is, it is NOT great, it is TERRIBLE,
BUT
virtually everyone we've ever admitted that to says "you're fcking crazy"
our grandmother literally told us "you're imagining it all, so don't worry"
here's the thing
imagination is some heavy-duty shit okay, it's
terrifying but imagination is self-generated. it means I CHOSE to think about this thing and pursue it on my own.
even the most terrifying imagined things I CAN turn off. i know. i've done it.
but
this isn't something i chose damn it
this is on the OUTSIDE
all those fcking floating voices are on the OUTSIDE and they are trying to get IN and I WON'T LET THEM
i really wish i could just turn it off, but
i can't
real shit, you can't turn off the real shit
good or bad
cover your ears all you want, they keep shouting
ignore them all you want, they just laugh
it is fcking horrible
the only thing that stops them is headspace
but that's a whole other problem.
people won't stop using the given name
god please that hurts so much too
is that selfish? demanding? childish?
the impulses are upsetting too, especially when laced with this apathy
it's daily now
I mean I can easily not act on them, I recognize them as impulses, but they are tied to powerful gut reactions and that's why they're scary.
violet impulses are common. I keep wanting to break things, throw things, bite things and shred them, attack people, hurt people. but I don't. I don't because I realize there is just this awful ACHE in me that wants to come out in screaming sobs because it's in DESPAIR but no one gives a shit. and I don't know how to cope and I WANT to cope. but that's where the violence comes from, it's boil-over
the suicidal impulses are tougher.
I keep having to put down knives, put down razors. (god help me that hurts my heart so bad)
I keep catching myself(?) with pill bottles. sometimes methodically just eating them like candy. but then mr. sandman or someone will shout at us to spit it out, and they are so LOUD that I(?) do. just dullness, no emotion. problem is then ten minutes later it'll happen again. over and over
that's making the eating disorder worse too. someone found out exactly what foods make us the sickest, and they are eating them. on purpose. to make us sick.
the WORST part? it's mainly "punishment" for "getting sick in the first place"
how's that for ableism
"what's that? you're lactose intolerant? you get sick from peanuts and sunflowers and coconut? you can't eat corn or gluten or meat without excruciating pain and meltdowns? you can't even eat fruit without being bedridden for the next two hours? well tough shit sweetheart! :) you HAVE to eat those foods to be a good, normal human being!! :) it's ok sweety just keep eating them a little each day and then you'll be okay again~"
and that hurts
that HURTS because we BELIEVE them these people are so NICE and yet
and yet
they're
not always right?
or are they, maybe they are, and we're just being fcking disobedient little shits
somehow
so we force ourself to eat these things because "we want to get better" BUT it's NOT WORKING
all this "exposure therapy" is NOT FCKING WORKING
it was the same thing with the sexuality, okay
god damn you, it didn't work, okay
okay????
I want to scream and sob, there's where the violent impulses are coming from, hello overwhelming urge to bloody my knuckles on this wall
god
it didn’t work okay
yeah, it sure as hell planted the seeds of misanthropic apathy. but that's about it.
you exposed us to SO MUCH SHIT that now,
NOW,
WE CAN
ENDURE THAT SHIT AND
NOT CARE. THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT
THAT'S "NORMAL" AND "GOOD"
RIGHT???? TO JUST "TAKE IT" OR WHATEVER THE FCK YOU WANT US TO DO
be a "good little christian girl" and get married
to some who-the-fck-is-this tall white brown-haired smiling stranger boy man
that the fcking media keeps shoving in our faces
they ALL LOOK THE SAME
but we have to "be good"
society says that sort of aesthetic criteria lineup is "cute" or "hot" or "attractive"
so register it as such damn you
and you had BETTER be attracted to them damn you
otherwise you are FLAWED and SOMETHING IS "WRONG WITH YOU"
go marry that stubble-faced smiling suited stranger like a good girl
and fck them until you have four or five babies
and then be a woman
and a wife
for the rest of your fcking life
now you are a housewife sex object with no autonomy
and this is the shit SO MANY WOMEN are going through it's SHIT
problem is,
we're not a woman,
but we're not a man either,
and either way,
we don't WANT to get married,
we don't WANT to have kids,
we DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX,
we DON'T WANT ANY OF THAT
but they say "no you have to"
misogyny breeds misandry
there are both men and women with ugly, ugly personalities
I don't want to think of either gender as being defined by that
but
this culture is making it really hard to even comprehend the concept of binary gender OUTSIDE of that skewed disaster
like, you have to completely abandon the whole "cishet only" thing JUST to be able to see people as basic human beings at this point
which sounds kind of "special snowflakey" but really, look at our fcking culture
we have ingrained this disgusting false image of "what it means to be a man" and "what it means to be a woman" so much, so repeatedly, that I think we need to totally abandon that whole mindset first
it's not just about biology or reproduction, shit why is that the focus all the time
there's so much more to it than that, and THAT is what we need to start looking at, the NON-SEXUAL stuff, people are more than that, humans are more than their anatomy
I mean seriously look at religion, male/female is all about creation characteristics, reproduction is just one tiny bit on the whole list, why the hell don't we look at it THAT way,
I guess I'm just trying to say I want humanity to look as itself as transcendent more often,
stop defining male and female in terms of negative qualities and sexual behavior
why am I even talking about this I don't understand this topic at all
it's making me sick
I'm just sick of not being able to go anywhere without getting an eyeful of that construction
I'm so tired of the outside world
all the stuff out there, it hurts.
I have karissa following me. with her saw.
the fcking floating demons keep trying to touch me
god damn it I DON'T WANT THEM TOUCHING ME
so she's patrolling the room
she can ghost to do that which is important
a lot of the dangerous people are on the OUTSIDE
so laurie can't really attack them.
but karissa can.
I'll see if there are other people like her around
see, there,
that's it,
this,
as soon as I start talking about them this LIGHT goes on and a weight is lifted
my chest feels lighter and my head feels clearer
see, you doubters, this is REAL
this is real and it is GOOD
I don't want sex
how many times this week have I been saying that
goddamn full moon in scorpio I guess, that's what someone told me
scorpio's our lilith thing on the natal chart so hey.
biggest burden to bear for humanity. biggest lesson to transmute.
well we're willing to do it but damn it it's SCARY on days like this because,
we're asexual and nonbinary and aromantic and this is totally alien
and also trauma history.
but I guess that's part of it.
anyway the damn floating voices keep trying to touch me
and I don't want it
but they keep forcing it
but I DON'T WANT IT
I can stop them now. I can
stop them now. it's liberating.
they try to get us in the mornings like they used to but I can STOP them now
chaos is pissed off at them and he won't let them anywhere near us
genesis is learning to differentiate but he's got massive trauma history too
so he and I are dealing with the same weird confusion.
when you've been "used" sexually for so long,
when you've been told so much that sex is "all you're good for,"
or worse,
"all you're
meant for,"
then even if you don't want it and/or are terrified of it,
you keep getting trapped in those situations because your subconscious keeps hysterically saying,
"this is all we're worth, we don't have another choice, this is what we have to do for other people"
it hurts.
I don't want this.
no one wants this
but of course there's the other issues like,
we want to cry
we want to be able to FEEL pain
we want to be able to FIGHT BACK
we want to be able to CARE ABOUT OUR OWN HEALTH AND SAFETY
and stop thinking of all of that in black and white
like,
"well you don't crash your car on purpose, so you obviously DO care! therefore don't make any fcking excuses, you're not fighting back because you secretly WANT it (the abuse which they consider "normal")."
fck you
do you have any idea how often during driving we literally, literally,
close our eyes for extended periods because if we crash then hey fcking fantastic it's over
have to stop ourselves from just letting the car drift into traffic or off a non-guarded cliff
do you not fcking realize
apathy is more dangerous than rage
plague is more dangerous than tar
it's the slow suicide that will kill you sooner, ironically.
people see the pill bottles go down. people see the bloody weapons. people see the nooses, the rifles, the car engines on idle. people see you walking to the top stories of buildings, of bridges.
the fast suicides are seen and reacted to with anger, shame, accusation, et cetera. they will catch you and they will do everything they can to villainize you for it, and make sure you never ever attempt it again.
but.
but. and here's the awful thing.
if you learn to do it slow,
they won't care anymore. no one will stop you.
sometimes they will even
help you. or praise you.
they probably won't even believe you if you told them
they'd scoff or laugh it off or chide you like an insolent baby
but they won't do shit to stop it.
and that's the horrible, horrible loophole
that if you really do want to die, you can die a little each day
and then one day it'll catch up to you
they don't see it until it's too late and you're gone
they don't see the tiny scars adding up, they don't see the little poisons slipped into your food, they don't see the sleep deprivation, they don't see the forced psychological trauma, they don't see you wandering too close to the edges of things, they don't see how carelessly you drive, they don't see you taking one too many pills too often, they don't see you slowly fading away at the edges until
one day the grim reaper is gonna show up
but I've met him, I've met him,
and it's breaking my heart because
he doesn’t like seeing people go out like this and I've asked him to take me before but he said "no"
and I WANT to live,
damn it I WANT to live, so badly, god I want to LIVE
but.
but this is a tough world to live in and sometimes I doubt my ability to survive it safely
so I guess I do care about my well-being
in a larger sense
therefore
if this world is sabotaging my spirit sometimes I think it'd be the wiser option to just up and leave it
where did I even start with all this
this is one hell of a brainspill entry I am sorry this is a mess
I don't even know who I am, sorry therapist,
I'm old like I'm tied to fluorescent bathroom lights and old knives.
like 2008-2009 I guess
but anyway I'm old.
it fcking sucks to not even know your own name but that's typical on the outside
maybe on the inside I'd know who I am but translation is always weird
people always seem to "lose" some of themselves on the outside because
1. it's in a body and that's disorienting enough sometimes and
2. there are evil socials in this body that don't want us fronting and will sabotage us, and
3. floating goddamned voices
4. nobody outside believing I exist
5. not being able to be "my own person" and "in the body" at the same time
did you know, gaining a self-identity means you cannot be out in public
why the fck is that how this system works
the moment you gain a sense of integrity and individuality, guess what you're out of fronting
this is why we want to meditate ALL THE TIME
because we EXIST when we AREN'T OUTSIDE
but you can't meditate for 8-9 hours a day, can you?
not here at least
but we "can't join a monastery" or other thing like that, because we have "other things to do?"
then I realize they probably wouldn't even let us be a priest because we're not biologically male,
and we're
we're really not cut out to speak for a dogmatic religion.
we don't believe a lot of what our "birth church" believes and that's kind of sad because we love the church, we love the whole christianity thing, but we don't feel welcome there anymore? for the most part? because of what other people in it believe
closed-minded sad stuff
"gays and trannies are evil" is a big one
but try discussing mental illness in a church group
hoo boy
not gonna happen
immediately you're being possessed by satan or something
to which I wanna say
have you ever seen the painting, "the temptation of saint anthony"
like specifically the ones by michelangelo and salvador dali
because that is our fcking life
since we were a child
we will punch those fcking devils in the face
or at least I will.
but yeah bottom line is I'm not the first person to be trying to live the best for god who is being tormented here
and those damn demons keep screeching, "you're a blasphemer, you're a fcking heathen, your pride will damn you to hell," etc.
that's the scary part
the pride
is that the right word for this?
I didn't understand the religious concept of "pride" until lately
and it scares me because it's not really pride in the way we think of it
it's not a "look at me, I'm so great!" thing
it's not in-your-face at all
it's very very subtle.
it's
seeing things going on outside, frightening things, confusing things,
things that I feel are WRONG, that are NOT GOOD THINGS,
and instead of just "live and let live," instead of just "letting them walk their own path,"
something in me says
"yeah but there's a fine line between tolerance and immoral allowance, isn't there?"
like if someone was hurting children do you just shrug and say "it's their own path"
fck no you STOP THEM
you CALL THEM OUT and you EDUCATE PEOPLE NOT TO DO THAT
right?
so that's the problem, does that make it pride if I'm so self-doubting I don't fcking know
if I SHOULD just be "tolerant" or if I should be speaking out
this
this is why I keep tiptoeing around that one word that doesn't even fit
but it does in the "dream world" context. we need a different word.
dream world "prophets" are defined by a heart-deep, maddening, undeniable need to act upon and for the veneration of their Virtue, for a purpose, for a cause
it's not always "good" though, for lack of a better term
like sometimes god decides you need some fire and brimstone
at least that's what I was taught as a child
and it's what I've read in so, so many religious texts
that 'god,' or 'goddess,' or several of each,
is both a creator and destroyer
both giving life and taking life
divinity is sublime and it does what it needs to do
the old testament says that all the time
but it's like in mage angels
with monika
maybe it's human weakness or something I don’t know
maybe it's real divine compassion I don’t know
but
if I was ever given that job
if I had to play the judging god,
even if it was a "good" judgment,
something like a white blood cell,
I couldn't do it.
I really don't think I could do it.
but you know what I don't know if "god" can either
not in the way we keep thinking of it
maybe the whole "fire and brimstone" thing really isn't how it goes
remember that one story in the bible, I forget where,
I think it's moses,
genesis 18. sodom.
“If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”
exodus 32 has some of it too, with the golden calf
"Then the
Lord relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened."
but I'm getting off topic and confused here
the point is I really, really do love humanity
and just like monika
(sorry this is actually a major spoiler)
even if they are being total shitheads
and fcking up everything
and basically just acting in the worst ways a human could act
I couldn't kill them
I couldn't rain hellfire down on their cities
I couldn't destroy them
because I
love them even then
maybe especially then
and I'm just pissed the hell off BECAUSE I love them and because they don't HAVE to be like that
they CAN be brighter, they CAN heal, they CAN change and act wisely and with better judgment,
people ARE good at heart,
I know that and nothing will ever change my mind,
so when I see stuff out there in the world that just feels wrong wrong wrong in my heart,
and people are writing it off as "totally fine" or even "progressive," or "politically correct" or whatever,
I stop and think "that can't be right"
and part of me gets scared and confused that maybe I'm being PROUD or BIGOTED or UNWISE in questioning them,
but another part of me gets furious and angry and livid and wants to fcking cut these people down verbally for suggesting that shit was okay, (that's my main part sadly)
but then the deepest part of me really just wants to know what's REALLY right here.
because we love these people,
and I say "we" with that speaking for the system, like jay wrote before.
written in this heart of ours, written in gold way down is that truth, we really do just love people.
all of us do and damn it it's our greatest weakness and our greatest strength
even me, damn it, even me
that's why we have such trouble
the retributors get it the worst, hence this topic
even the ones like wreckage, they care so much
they are only furious and violent BECAUSE they care so much
and it's why we keep getting lost because no one wants to stoop down to that level
of the ones we're fighting
we don't want to be killers or abusers, we don't even want to be violent anymore
but god comes with a sword and all that
but we don't know what to do
"be soft. don't let the world make you hard. don't let the pain make you hate. don't let the bitterness steal your sweetness. take pride that even if the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place." and that's forever our mantra and I wrote the whole thing because it's important and it's the most fcking heartbreaking thing we could ever say.
be soft, be soft, be soft, but take no shit,
and don't let them bury their knives and claws in you,
be soft but don't bite back, don't draw blood,
or should we?
I don't know
don't hate, don't be bitter, don't harden up.
but what about, what about,
what about all these people on tumblr who are like "it's free speech to make fun of someone else's religion" and the other side is saying "if you insult my religion I have every right to lash out against you because that's totally irreverent" and the response is "don't force your beliefs on me I am under no obligation to revere what you revere" but then I'm like what the hell, it's called BASIC HUMAN DECENCY, I don't give a shit if you don't share their beliefs, DON'T FCKING INSULT THEM ANYWAY, and on the same page, if you have a religion with beliefs that other people don't agree with, RESPECT THAT TOO, JUST STOP FCKING FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER
maybe "free speech" does cover the "right to make fun of anyone ever" but damn it that doesn't make it the "right" thing to do, just because you CAN do it doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
respect, god why the hell don't we just RESPECT each other, like GENUINE RESPECT, not begrudging tolerance or acceptance or whatever, think about it, if respect was at the roots of BOTH sides of this party, there wouldn't BE any fcking problem because both sides would have taken a good look at their stances and thought "hm, is this mutually beneficial?" and if it's NOT then you FCKING DROP IT.
but that's the problem
that's the problem with pride, whether it's religious or not
you need to LISTEN to the other side and genuinely CONSIDER their viewpoint okay
like back to this misogyny thing
most of that, in my childhood, came from people who GENUINELY BELIEVED that what they were saying was 100% "the right thing to do." religious or not.
"respect me," I say, and their response is usually… "I can't respect something that's WRONG." or, something that's "disrespectful" to THEM. and that's where it gets confusing and I hate thinking about this
let me just
think of a solid example.
um on that same topic,
"please respect my asexuality and wish to remain unmarried." when I was younger, I would ask. the top negative response? "I can't respect something that goes against God's will." because they are CONVINCED that being an allosexual in the bounds of marriage was THE "right thing to do."
you get that a lot more with "queer" stuff
people not giving homo/bi/pan/etc.sexuals and transgender/nonbinary people rights, because "it's not right to BE that way in the first place." so they say "I respect you as a person, therefore I am NOT going to allow you to do something that is disrespectful to GOD." see how it gets tangled
man this whole paragraph is tangled I am so sorry
but in religions you get the whole thing of women being treated in a way that often gives them less autonomy and rights than men, and the response is "well that's GOD'S WILL" so they won't even THINK about how the women feel who are not okay with being treated that way, you see what I mean
but I'm upset about this "free speech" thing
"why should I respect your religion if it teaches THAT?"
still I don't think that's reason to be disrespectful. you can disagree, sure, but for heaven's sakes be civil.
but that sentence. "why should I respect ____ if it teaches/ implies/ supports/ etc. THAT?"
with "that" being something you personally view as totally unacceptable.
and those religions, that's why I wonder, and it hurts my head to do so,
when they talk about "well it's god's will, not mine,"
sometimes it's about things that are really intolerant in a disrespectful way,
but they are so convinced that those things do not DESERVE respect,
being convinced those things are utterly morally wrong,
how do you know?
how do you know
this keeps me up at night
it's kept us up at night since we were kids really
ugh
bottom line is
where does it turn from saying
"what you're doing is morally detrimental and I am speaking out against it"
into being told
"you are violating my rights of free speech and autonomy"
basically,
when does it turn from speaking up for morality, into being obtrusive and intolerant?
that's the problem with being a double libra I guess
I see EVERY freaking side of EVERY ISSUE
and it gets really bloody confusing because I can empathize with EVERYONE
sometimes directly, thanks d.i.d.
(no, literally, thanks)
but then I'm not sure what's… the OPTIMAL thing to do?
I don't know
I want to say "the RIGHT thing" because of this religious bit but, who am I to act like I have all the answers?
it's just
trusting my heart
and not feeling my heart knows best
because I'm afraid of what I've allowed to infect it
like
eightfold said,
"I gotta be careful trusting my gut, 'cause my gut is a vast phantasmal library full of dark tomes!… The heart's the same way. It gets dirty. Things you pick up, things you're taught… they stick to it. An' there's no flutter or feelin' that isn't filtered through all that stuff." that is one of the most important things we have ever, ever read
and it is so true
and it is our biggest fear.
that whole thing
with not knowing when to stand up for what we feel is right or not,
getting confused because our beliefs aren't always "politically correct,"
getting scared because people say our beliefs are "delusional" or "totally detached from reality,"
you know,
"grow up, and get used to the REAL world,"
when the "real world" they say is mean and cruel and bitter and stuff,
that's not the real world.
but
geez I shouldn't be looking at political sjw stuff on tumblr anymore
it hurts and it makes me so so so confused
and then of course you come across the people who are like
"kill all men," "down with cis," "truscum," "if you are ____ you don't deserve to live,"
and then the other side, online and offline,
spitting racism and homophobia and religious mockery and all that,
the exact things that cause the hateful speech of the victimized side.
I fcking HATE the whole victim/oppressor bullshit already. I hate it.
but that's ironic too
hatred and rage will only turn me into an attacker. and I don't want that.
gotta reroute that frustration. realize WHY I'm feeling it.
and that is:
I don't want to see anyone being victimized, or doing any oppression.
I love you people and damn it you've gotta stop treating each other like shit already.
at this point I don't care what justification you're giving
disrespect is disrespect
hatred is hatred
violence is violence, no matter how "passive-aggressive" or "harmlessly" you may act upon it
and those things only breed more of the same.
I have no idea what in the world this entry is about already
there have been like… three different authors in here. and of course the paragraph switching. people starting writing one thing then stopping and then I go back and see all these unfinished sentences and I'm like "dude I have no idea what you were talking about, I can't finish that for you"
this started because… today we're cripplingly depressed
and not sure where to go in life
and scared about this moral doubt
and the floating voices
and feeling forced to do things we don't want to do
and not knowing if our heart is wise or just delusional and foolish
I want to help people.
I want to heal myself
I don't want to be a bad influence on anybody
but I don't want to hurt anyone through my inaction either
am I trying too hard?
it's such a frustrating dilemma
"act or don't act"
when acting is viewed as intrusive and pushy and proud and rude and oppressive
and not acting is viewed as wishy-washy and apathetic and morally weak and lazy.
damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I don't want to think about this anymore. focusing on this is just making life REALLY tough
you get what you give, and we're radiating too much anxiety, it's not cool
I think I'm just going to let jewel or spinzor out and let them type
we have to go to philadelphia on friday and we don't know how we're going to get there and our stomach is just bottoming out with anxiety over it, the quiet kind that only registers in creeping sickness and nausea and sleep disturbances and a rough temper. it's not cool
I'm just going to take a deep breath,
we'll do what we can,
if the father can't drive us down, we'll try to go by ourself,
we're a little scared of asking the grandparents because what if they find out we're transgender,
we'll be out on the street,
they almost found out once and that was scary,
geez no actually cannon remembers that it was MORE than once and it's why we're afraid now,
STOP FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE
be smart, but be safe, okay?
do what you can.
that's all we can do for now I guess.
good night everyone.
I hope this entry didn't upset you, or hurt you, or make you sad or anything
geez that is a big fear too we're afraid of posting stuff like this
but honesty is key. that's just it, it happened, up it goes
and you never know. maybe that woman really was right. "the message in the mess." maybe this stuff helps other people somehow, I hope so.
I mean we write it all with the intention to "solve" something, or better-- to
heal something. "solving" is too analytical and that's dangerous. healing. we know there are problems and we are trying to untangle them and we are sharing the process, because maybe it'll give someone else insight they didn’t have, on how to untangle their own things.
I hope so.
for now I need to rest, today was rough, we have color stuff to do on the computer, if done right that should calm us down. just nice cataloguing work.
closing up this entry as-is things are too fuzzy good night
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
LAURIE UBERICH 
JAY IRIDOS
