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another quick update, faster than a phone, because it's almost 1am and life has been a trip
dyspnea tonight. not sure why. it was gone for weeks and then within the past few days it's been back. not sure if it's because of the smoke outside or what, or if it's our body struggling to readjust to exertion after the jademonth, but either way it's back and it makes us twice as tired and dissociated because hey, feeling like you're slowly suffocating will do that.
anyway. important notes for today.
first, the "misdreavus effect."
remember there was this one day, way back in 2001, where jewel was playing silver version and was in mount silver, for like two solid hours, trying to find a misdreavus because she loved them... and then she suddenly realized, wait a second. they only come out at night.
well.
apparently there are nousfoni that do the same.
it completely shocked us. it was one of those lineups of circumstance that could not be planned or even expected, because it's not something we ever would have guessed could do something. like a really bizarre easter egg in a game.
we were moved by grace and penance to say ALL our night prayers tonight, the full hour. we'll talk more about that in a bit. but when we went over to the prayer rugs to say the wall set, it was too dark to see without putting a light on, and someone had the idea to grab that little sticky-button light from the drawer and use that as illumination. the thing is, that light has four color settings, and white was too bright, so we switched it to green.
and INSTANTLY we had 2009 SPATIAL FLASHBACKS.
we had forgotten that we used a green lightbulb during that time. and the literal life-feeling of that SLAMMED into us. we had to change the light color because it was messing with our temporal awareness that bad.
the blue light setting didn't do the same, because it was just slightly leaning indigo and that made it a different hue from the bulb we had during that same jayce-house period.
anyway. that's one note. there's very little memory for it because it shook us up so bad, triggering dissociation and memory failure.
HOWEVER. because of its disorientating effects, when we "came back" and still had to pray, the only way to override the inevitable worsening of flashbacks would be to have someone unrelated to that era front.
that's when it got interesting.
we didn't realize that foni can be illumilocked, as it were. trying to invent jargon on the fly. timelocked foni are well-known, those whose anchors are fused to actual chronological spans, to specific years or months or eras. but for a foni to only be able to front, or exist, AT a certain time of day-- or rather, as it even more shockingly seems, in certain contexts of luminosity-- is a new revelation, although unsurprising in principle. dark and light feel SO different, and in trauma history, certain things ONLY happen in the dark, or in the light. and day/night cycles don't necessarily affect this: you have all heard of the redlight lemur-foni in the bathroom that adelaide found. same with ashen only being triggered with the fluorescent light and closed doors. it's all about the context of the light source. it's fascinating. change that, even a little bit, and you completely shift the resonance, and therefore whether or not any foni will resonate with it at all. the specificity of triggers never ceases to amaze me, both in their existence and their effects. they can't be falsified or even guessed at. when they hit, they hit like a bomb to the brain.
anyway, this isn't the time to ramble and theorize, we're too tired. point is, it happened.
i know a few of us in the "day crew" were trying to front, but it was unusually difficult. maybe it was the green light doing it, because we turned it back on out of morbid curiosity, as it was putting that background hum of historical fear into our brain. we've prayed at night before, with white light, and nothing happened. but this green... it shook things up.
julie tried to front, i remember, and that was the turning point. when she moved into the body, but felt that old fearbuzz, she couldn't front, because she was afraid HERSELF, not in sympathetic response. she was scared of whatever in herself that green-dark was triggering. so she bailed.
and freakin' LEANNE SHOWED UP.
listen. she hasn't been seen in years. but when she moved in, not only did i KNOW it was her-- you never forget a foni's vibe once you've felt it, and her magenta hue is unmistakable-- but in such quick succession of fronting, in tangible space, i could FEEL the difference between julie, who is apparently lightlocked, and leanne, who is darklocked. there is a completely different base note to their energy which is AMAZING to suddenly have the experiential knowledge to distinguish. couldn't do that if i didn't know there WAS a feeling-shift to discern.
no sign of the jabberwock by the way. they might have died with most of the other daemons.
on that note we still don't know WHY chocoloco has survived. perhaps he was never a daengel to begin with, which honestly wouldn't surprise me. he just got lumped in with them because he's so freakin' bizarre. maybe he's a 'prototype' in some way. but i won't theorize so emptily. that only causes false ideas. i have to sit and feel things out with knowledge and memory to back it up, and now is not the time, nor am i equipped at all what with all the memory loss and locks we're still grappling with.
anyway. illumilocking. julie can't front in the dark?? actually could she EVER??? all the memories we have of the julie days-- and they are few, but horrifying-- involve her abusing us IN LIT ROOMS, either daylight or fluorescence.
when the night hacks began, the era had shifted, remember? she was still the hacker queen, but there was so much else going on, so many others working in her stead. we need to review those memories now that we know there's stuff to look for.
but. when julie fled from fronting today, that significant action "lit up a key note" in our head-- again, scrabbling at makeshift jargon here based on feeling; it's like a "new message" light on a phone, but also push-pinning something to the staff bulletin board, or hearing a single "ding" note like a code being called in a hospital; something calling a THOUGHT to attention, "attend to this, do not let this slip by, do not shove it under the rug, pursue this if possible"-- and the unstated order was, run this course. push the envelope. keep poking it with a stick. see what happens.
we continued praying, not commenting on the event or realization, but it was held by that pseudojewel "watcher" and it was a tickertape in our subconscious. so we watched too. sugar tried to front next, BUT although she felt like she could if she wanted, that garish green light (the key!!) was unnerving, and reminded HER of those old days, that awful 2015 era, so SHE left too. there was a bit of front-jostling here, as the prayer was being automated inbetween which was equally disorienting, but people couldn't say their typical prayers in this weird environment so it was defaulting. all i remember is laurie trying to come out for hers, BUT her resonance caught the light and LANCIFOLIEL SHOWED UP.
that was enlightening, pun intended. it hit 'me' that what seemed to be happening with her and julie, was that the systemind was yanking out foni with similar resonances or anchors to "substitute" for whoever had just been bounced or bailed thanks to the green. it was a kneejerk, almost instinctive action on our mind's part, something triggered by FEAR, almost a survival response. "this person left but someone NEEDS to front or we're in danger, so someone else NEEDS to take their place NOW." and it kicks out whoever is immediately accessible, which in such a context, would apparently be 1) someone with a close enough resonance TO be shoved out so fast and 2) someone who is darklocked. at least, in this situation.
might change that jargon if it proves incorrect btw. "locked" may not be true. IF people like lancifoliel & leanne CAN front in daylight situations, then we'll change the term to match.
but back to the update. lancifoliel hasn't fronted in years either, from what i can remember. and she's NEVER fronted this clearly. again, no idea why this vague terror-haze mental environment was ALLOWING these longlost foni TO be there, other than the fact that they have darker anchors and potentially NEED such environments in order to front, or even be found. again, we're going to investigate this further in the future.
but lanci was out. her hair is reminiscent of laurie's, but with much wider and smoother "spikes," all that dark vermilion, with black streaks. oddly it feels like awareness data was behind her head, and outside for the most part. same with leanne. we can't "get into their heads" even when they're in ours, not yet at least. again, it's understandable, but fascinating. so we can see the back of their heads, and get a bit of "innersensory" data on their hair (always an anchorpoint), and their vibe, but... not much else. no kinesthetic data. no eyes. no voice memory. all of that would require stronger fronting, more time, and deeper familiarity.
interestingly too, both lanci and leanne felt like they weren't choosing to front. they were being put there. they weren't really aware, either, of themselves or us, not heavily so-- there was a notable lack of "selfness" in their recorded fronting data. like they were half asleep. but they were there!
last bit, adding this later as we forgot...
after lanci left, razor moved in for her prayer (the "if we die today" one). after her was wreckage. after her was knife. after him was siobhan. all of them fronted with no problem. honestly i would say they almost felt more comfortable, in a sad way, in that context? like not a "soft" comfortable, nothing relaxing or resting, but instead a feeling of "ah yes, this is familiar. this is what i am used to. this is what i am meant for." it had an edge, even a bit of sadness, but there was an odd smile, too. "this is where i belong," at least in terms of where and how they were born. it was very bittersweet. but they ALL had it, and the foni like julie & laurie DIDN'T. but leanne & lancifoliel did. different, just slightly, but that "base note" was there again. the similar resonance. the traumabuzz in the back of the skull, echoed in that green light.
so that's important too. there are little distinctions we never knew before, because we never were aware of the contrasting data. we only saw, or felt, one side, if any.
thank You God for this, actually. this is what makes us feel alive. even frightening things. if it brings our hearts into clearer vision, into stronger feeling, into deeper unity and awareness, then we will take it gladly from Your Hands and embrace it totally.
we just want to live together, all of us, again. there is so much love here. even in the scary days. even when we feel lost and angry and afraid and empty and confused. at the very bones of it, in the very blood of us, deep down at the absolute core of everything we are, there is love. only love. always love. and thank God for that. thank God for us. no matter what.
okay, we're starting to get dissociated and sick from... something. up too late? no idea. weird emotions moving in. feeling front slipping. simeon at the ready, hello! moving into a different space of headspace. different place in the head.
gotta hard shift here
still things to type can we get autopilot on this, is that possible, do we still have one, him, someone conscious?
no too detached. won't work for data like this. stored in different places
who was typing
second point. let's get this done quickly but importantly
BEFORE all that, actually, we were praying at the altar. memory picks up when we were saying the prayer cards, because they usually take ~20m and part of our brain was exhausted and wanting to skip them (there's always a ton of emotional interference around prayer, due to mental exhaustion). that "watching" nonself-awareness saw/felt this and the wordless thought was put out, "we need people who can pray." and it reached in to clumsily nudge JOPHAEL out. "can he do this" basically.
surprisingly, he could NOT???? apparently his job is more tied to church?? so the "watcher" instead called VEIL out to front.
two things.
one, i have NO IDEA how the "watcher awareness" can do this. "she" has a minimal sense of self, with no ability to front or exist as a person, but she acts as a sort of databank with exorbitant privileges concerning them. we need to investigate her at some point too.
two, apparently there are a LOT more foni than we thought, but just as much as we NEED, because remember back in 2015 although things were literal hell we were paradoxically learning how to FUNCTION in the midst of it all, arguably better than ever in some cases, and that was because we were LIVING FULLTIME AS A SYSTEM, and EVERYONE HAD A JOB.
and watcher-girl is apparently able to feel the "job vibe" needed, and almost blindly reach in to fish out somebody close to it.
so veil was pushed out. again, her sense of selfhood is very different from that of a centralite. i think this has to do with what level of "headspace" they exist on; foni on the body level tend to have far less of a solid self-awareness than those on the heart or head level. even so, with enough time spent fronting, it can increase-- but if you really want a lower-level foni to gain self-awareness in a pinch, get them talking to the upstairs gang. nothing boosts consciousness moreso than communication. unfortunately this can backfire with some foni, such as lotophagoi and "damaged ones"-- we need jargon here too-- solely because the more trauma they hold, or exist to live within, the more forbidden selfhood is, and any spark of such awareness can kill them. it has happened before.
anyhow. veil is still a solid violet hue, still the same physical appearance too-- lovely arabic nose, dark almond skin, surprisingly heavy eyelashes. BUT there was a surprise with her function: as she was praying, she felt a strange dissonance between praying to jesus or asking for mary's intercession? she was getting pushed into the former at the expense of the latter. like something in our subconscious was hyperfeminizing her, to the point of misandric tendencies. which is bizarre and very unlike us. however this upset her and she felt genuinely distressed-- again, selfhood!!-- and ASKED God to fix that. "fix me," she prayed. something like, "make me someone who isn't like that." and instantly, almost imperceptibly, there was a shift??? her appearance changed from just a feminine foni wearing a veil to that of a nun. like now she had a habit! but still violet of course. anyway with this appearance shift, she now felt no dissonance with prayer. so that was notable. had to write that down.
jophael, for the record, seems to be more oriented towards church than private prayer? his entire vibe data feels broader, more outward. also still unsure if he vibes yellow or amber, technically. feels hovering at the moment. we'll check it better soon when we're not so fuzzybrained from being up this late.
last important note. as we prayed the cards, we were getting "colors" from some of them? like subtle synaesthesia. not sure why. but it pushed veil out as it "no longer matched her." and as the systemind fumbled to find someone who could pray, it found two people. first was a completely new monk foni, like saint francis, wearing a simple soft-brown habit with warm brown eyes and a scrap of beard, but with such a loving heart; oh my goodness his vibe was so lovely, and he prayed with such simple ardent sincerity. second was PATRICIA???? i think??? not christina; they're sisters but chrissy has that "prissy" vibe unfortunately, or at least she used to. it's been so long since we've seen either of them, the only immediate distinguishing note is their color-- patricia leans purple, christina leans violet, and that distinction is tangible. unfortunately i can't catch any data on that from tonight, as it was such a sudden and shallow switch, i don't even know if they were able to stay to pray, but the point is one of them was pinged. is that the proper jargon? they were pushed out to front, but only because their resonance was pinged, like "ah yes, there you are, someone that matches, out you go." like a "match found!" light going on when searching data keys. something along those lines.
LAST BIT. again adding later as i almost forgot.
julie was on bodycare duty tonight, and at one point she suddenly "alarmed" the upstairs for help because there had almost been a HACK?????? apparently she had moved the body a certain way, just a brief moment, and that (again) hyperspecific action almost BLACKED OUT THE BODY and would have caused a HACK.
she was terrified, and both jay and laurie were on immediate call to help her, but julie said it was okay, she was okay, she just felt that huge and horrifying risk and needed to tell us.
...
that is genuinely scary as hell. we didn't think hacks could happen anymore, not since we got out of cnc. but... our stay in upmc reactivated the dream hacks, and we have been having them ever since (curse this weight gain), so... potentially i guess a literal hack could happen, if we were trauma-dissociated enough? i know there ARE still hackers, which is TERRIFYING to realize, but it's true. i've seen them. i don't know how or why they still exist. maybe just because of unprocessed trauma. maybe because they're holding everything infi used to swallow entire, poor wretched thing. but i can't think about that right now.
just... be careful. please. without infi, i have no idea what would happen, if something that bad happened. we haven't had a "new era" in a very very long time, we still don't know what the heck the tar and plague are doing... don't risk anything. please be careful. i still say hacks are impossible, but... when our consciousness is compromised, hell can break loose. and if julie felt a risk THAT strongly... that honestly scares me to death. be careful. please. be careful.
but yes. big takeaways from all this:
1. there are a LOT more religious foni than we realized, again this is not surprising at all but we just never thought to look.
2. we ARE hyperspecific and THANK GOD because this is the ONLY way we're going to be functional again.
3. be very aware of just how specific triggers can be, or have to be, in order to trigger out foni. we cannot predict this.
4. SUBCATEGORIES. when we're apparently this specialized, we need rolebanks for reference.
5. JARGON IS NEEDED BUDDY
6. SPECTRUM HUES. sorry about all the capslock. but we NEED to feel them out, get their vibes solid, find their realms, so any and all "new" foni CAN PROPERLY ANCHOR INTO THEM.
7. we're not as dead as we thought. go through the censuses. find us.
we'll update more tomorrow, god willing. this was imperative for tonight.
there is SO MUCH to type about concerning the jademonth and our coping or lack thereof, but that's going to take several hours if not several days worth of entries. nevertheless, it must be done. we're reeling and now it's JULY which means we're gonna get A LOT OF FLASHBACKS and i can feel them creeping in around the edges already.
considering redoing the chizu + saint ann week, to see what that does to our brain, now that the system has reawakened. gotta have a safety net first though, the last thing we need is to ironically wake up whatever or whoever was wrecking the rest of our life at that point.
archiving has been on pause for obvious schedule death reasons. also trauma avoidance. we're at 2017 and we are NOT READY to face that at all.
"jay" is still mourning infi on a daily basis, and chaos 0 is still an emotional hurricane over everything with them, and today is the 12th anniversary of the pink event, which was a literal hinge date for our history. i don't even know if that entry is public, oh wait yes it is. that xanga where laurie had to talk him out of suicide for like twelve solid hours. i know no one looked at anything for today because no one is ready to do so. man we're tired of averting our eyes from our own life. we need to just sit and read everything and remember that WE EXIST.
good news, we have one appointment with a local counseling center next month, and several phone numbers bookmarked to call for potential therapists. but we need to get help. our symptoms are getting... distressing.
someone had a baby crying in the hall today and we were actively slamming drawers and seething just to abate the misophonic ragefear so we wouldn't hurt ourselves. yeah we forgot misophonia was a thing, we were googling our symptoms the other day and bam, there it was. also apparently we DO have some subtle schizophrenia symptoms??? have to check that again but nothing obsessive, honestly i don't want to know ANYTHING about the dsm-v or whatever, i just want us to get into therapy and see what the professionals say. i want to go in blind, with just us. everything else is infectious and potentially corruptive. i don't want any vocabulary or comprehension but our own. if something is a symptom, i don't want to know! not unless we're sitting in the shrink's office. but yeah. the glimpses we've seen suggest a LOT more going on than we would ever have guessed, so we do want to get thorough help once the pros help us figure out what's actually going on here.
but. final note. most important thing.
in the end, therapy/ counseling/ whatever is only being pursued in order to lessen the "danger" level of our symptoms; less rage, less violence, less compulsions, less delusions if we have them. things like that. we want to be able to function on a daily basis without seething meltdowns and self-abusive paroxysms and numb-state abysses and the like. we want to be able to FEEL EMOTIONS other than terror, wrath, and unbearable flashes of grief. we want to be able to love again. we want to be able to live AS A SYSTEM and i am telling you right now, if ANY therapist so much as hints at nousfoni death or forced reintegration i am going to pointedly give hatchet the steering wheel. just kidding. but she will junk any and all pill bottles you throw at us, so you have been warned.
bottom line is: nothing will come between us and us. we are a system, and we love each other forever, and we will heal AS a system, no exceptions, no excuses, no objections. we do this together. and we will make sure that is respected. i promise.
if we're gonna grow and learn and heal and love, it will only happen together. it can only happen together.
if we're not us, we're nothing.
all right it's 240 good heavens we gotta get this body some sleep, see you kids
