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021618. 23:02.
Quite frankly, we're sick of being built on tragedy.
it's the first of the "nine nights" and we have no spoons and our body is weak and exhausted and confused and we're angry, we're frustrated, we're heartbroken, we're sad, and we're so so sick of this.
we've made up our minds. yes, struggle is necessary for growth sometimes. but the key word is SOMETIMES. we HAVE to learn how to use HEALTHINESS for growth. otherwise, we're gonna die. there's no two ways about it. we're gonna die.
we're thinking about what we can do for this first night.
we want to review the system list. find the people whose identities are foggy, whose names are clear but faces are indistinct, who have neither name nor face, etc. we want to make a list of them and FIND them. we want to be a coherent, united system, and that's the only way it's going to happen. we have to put the work in.
already, thinking about that is bringing happiness up in us. good.
we're sitting alone on the floor of the playroom with the white christmas lights on in front of us. god we're so happy in here. we feel safe and good and real. something about this environment-- a tiny space, alone and comfortable with tiny lights amidst deep silent darkness, sad and tired and weak but fiercely determined and unflinchingly happy and in love beneath it all-- it feels like us. I guess that's who/how we've been for years. so it makes sense.
our poor body is still sick, sick, sick in the gastrointestinal sense.
we had a weird but jarringly heavy realization earlier. realizing that our stomach was growling, but we had no appetite at all. the thought of eating made us nauseous, but we knew the body had to be fed.
and immediately, we thought of an i.v. drip, and the relief was tangible.
why is this? why the bizarre but powerful comfort in hospitals, in medical environments? is it because we spent SO much time in them over the course of our life?
prince pax has been around lately, when we reached his point of the archives and remembered his name. bam, there he was, remembered and therefore able to live again. he's the one that got us through our most recent. g.i. hospital stay, for the viral colitis infection. we were in excruciating pain for a week, up all night in that dark room with the city lights outside and medical noises all above and below and around us, but he was there strong. I think he was around for the bradycardia stay, too? but memory for that one is fuzzy, as I think we slept for most of it. no strength.
weirdly, too, NO memory of food for that entire time, other than the awareness of having glass jars full of carrots (?) brought to us by the birth family. no other memory. we remember being afraid everything would rot in the warm room. but that's it.
anyway. the i.v. drip. god we wish we could be fed that way. remember when our pcp almost got us that feeding tube? we still wonder if that would be a good idea, because eating in general is so exhausting.
good thing:
oh hey it's 11:11 ♥
but yes. good things. as surprising things, but good at heart. always.
breakfast this morning was the usual, but we had less of an appetite than usual, and we had no desire to eat it. why is this good? because that means there is NO binge impulse with it. some people see three bowls of vegetables and want to inhale them, as a stim or abuse method or obligatory behavior, but this morning we ate a few mouthfuls of spinach and were like, nope, that's it. we're full. we don't want any more food.
we had to, though. like we said, body's weak, it needs fuel. but why is it sick? is it a bug, or is it our diet?
we're wondering what to do. we can't stomach carbs well, but that's surprising, because iscah had to eat SO MANY of them for nine weeks straight, with no major trouble.
oh!! another huge revelation we had earlier, looking into the bathroom mirror, trying to feel out the "binge motives."
there is a warfront with two opposing sides, and two opposing views of the body:
side #1 is the "starve" side. the thin, bony, anxious, angry-sad, neurotic "girls" (always female pronouns but NEVER female) that want the body to be thin, NOT in a waifish way, but in a wiry way. raw muscle strength. tight and lean like a spring. they are terrified of softness, of weight, of heaviness, of bloated bodies. they want to be like a robot or machine. all lean lines, no excess shape. they don't want to eat at all, and have very little conception of the process.
side #2 is the "stuff" side. again, "girls," but these are softer, rounder, bigger, chubby, cheery, and they like to eat. they're focused on "being good" and "surviving," but all their motives are programmed. iscah is one of them, possibly the main one, as she is the healthiest. they are motivated by thoughts like, "fat is good, it gives us energy and keeps us warm, we have to eat fat." or, "carbs give us energy to run, carbs give us calories, we have to eat carbs." there's a LOT of religious thought in here, too-- "god manifests as bread," "god anoints with oil," "god is in flesh," etc.
but you notice the key distinction? group #2 focuses on HEAVY foods. oil, carbs, sugar, meat to a lesser extent.
maybe there's a group #3? the meat-eaters. their motives are VERY different.
and a group #4, too. the "dessert whores," is what someone upstairs said. the sugar eaters. the ones who go for fruit and candy and sweet things. not even as gluttons, though-- they are motivated by this weird thought that "we need to gain weight and this is the fastest way to do it," PLUS "it's a drug that makes you happy, right? and we NEED to feel happy, so that'll work" except it DOESN'T it makes us SICK AND MISERABLE WHY DON'T YOU EVER GET THE FREAKING DATA OR DON'T YOU CARE????
god I'm sorry I'm just so tired of this.
triple is that you??
yes. leave me alone. I'm tired. I don't want to talk.
okay.
so. stream of consciousness entries means going back to topics that were unfinished. gotta keep the flow going.
the meat-eaters. they're motivated by religion, too.
really, ALL the lotophagoi are primarily motivated by one of three things, with TONS of overlap:
1) health teachings, e.g. "fruit is good for you so you MUST eat it" or health fears, e.g. "if you don't eat fat your brain will stop working and you will die"
2) emotional teachings, e.g. "you can't be afraid of the possibility of being allergic to eggs, you HAVE to eat them," "why are you scared of bread, eat it and see there's nothing to be afraid of," etc. backfires spectacularly as the ones who are scared aren't the ones eating. when they are, the terror makes them purge.
3) religious teachings, e.g. "eating meat gives us psychopomp feelings therefore you MUST eat it," "god said there is a land of milk and honey so you MUST like those things," etc.
a list of foods affected by this:
meat= disliked, that thought is denied. "you HAVE to like meat, it's LIVING THINGS!!" the thought that if we "don't like the taste of meat" we are somehow sinning, condemning animal existence.
milk= intolerant. again the thought, "intolerance is cold-hearted! you must accept and love it." THAT'S NOT HOW GASTRIC INTOLERANCE WORKS YOU DELUDED I can't swear at them, they're not trying to be bad, what the heck, this is miserable (triple again. this is my job, leave me alone please)
milk is also a MASSIVE TRAUMA TRIGGER as it triggers "infantilization" flashbacks and suicidal impulses.
allegedly, iscah likes cheese, but we only know this through residual data. we're not sure of the post-upmc "terror month" changed this, because all she ATE was cheese (and yogurt) and we clearly remember getting super sick from it. the last day, she had a bowl of cheese sitting on the porch, and our body was violently rejecting it so bad she had to throw it out on the crudpile. I think since then it's become a trigger food even for her. the house would do that.
bread= stomach spasm-vomits immediately upon ingesting flour, for unknown reasons. the nausea is crippling. we cannot help this response, it is almost automatic.
but the body keeps craving it? like the seed bread OV bought today. we had a slice and the body wanted it so badly. why. why. the mental sheer panic response was unbearable. bread is a BIG trigger food and we don't know why. eating plastic-packaged bread. it makes us shake with impending doom. bad bad bad feelings. why?
either way, body not a fan. flashbacks to bathrooms, the gluten-free bread. remember? how heavy it was? because of rice flour? rice gave us horrific g.i. troubles for ages. it still gives us awful mental issues because of the blood sugar spike, it's terrible, please don't eat it.
so what do we do?
"we need carbs," the phrase continues.
we GET carbs. have you seen how many vegetables we eat? THAT'S ALL CARBS.
"but it's not bread carbs," they say. "we need bread carbs." but there's a hesitance, a quiet anxiety to their voice.
do we really?
"grandma and the doctors said so," a young girl blurts out. maybe 7, 8.
do "bread-carbs" make you sick?
"…"
no reply. an obvious "yes" awareness, but staunch refusal to admit it.
not going to get any further
"we don't want it to make us sick," they say. "maybe it'll stop all this diarrhea and stomach pain," they say, "because that's from the eggs, right? we're allergic to eggs, right?"
NO WHAT THE HECK STOP PUTTING THAT IN OUR HEAD WE'RE FREAKING FINE!!!! WE'VE BEEN EATING THEM FOR MONTHS WE'RE NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY DEVELOP AN ALLERGY OVERNIGHT
except upmc said we might they wouldn't even let us eat almonds because they thought we were getting an allergy to them
BUT WE HAD THE SAME FREAKING REACTION TO THE ICE CREAM YET THEY WOULDN'T LET US STOP EATING THAT BECAUSE IT WAS "US BEING AFRAID OF SUGAR AND TRYING TO GET OUT OF EATING IT" AND ALL THAT GARBAGE
does that mean we're allergic to milk too?? like mel??
NO STOP WHAT THE HECK WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TO BE ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING I AM SO FREAKING SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!!!
that’s overload, not triple, are they-- are you blurring that bad?
OUR JOBS OVERLAP. I'M TRIPLE. I'M FURIOUS. BUT OVERLOAD FEELS THE OVERWHELM. THAT'S HER JOB. MINE IS JUST TO BE RAW FURIOUS BURNING ANGER AT THE GARBAGE SHE'S BEING PUT THROUGH FEELING AND EXPRESSING LIKE THIS.
so what do we do.
about what?
about the diet. about eating. bottom line is, we want an i.v. drip.
can we do protein powders? no, they made us sick before, didn't they?
yeah. yeah, they did. they were all we ate for months and we got that horrible abdominal pain from protein excess, remember? at least, that's what we figured it was. too much for this body to process, probably.
plus it was nauseating, data says. at least, it's foggy, so I think so.
it was. I think. you're right, I have no idea. "data missing." or expunged. we kept having to repeat it even in PA and could never remember, I remember.
irony.
only in phrasing. but that keeps happening to us. is our situational awareness // actually that bad?
maybe. we dissociated a lot in that house.
who is talking? who are you guys? are you text-onlys?
probably.
but you have faces? blurry faces? do you have names?
we should, shouldn't we?
you blur together real easily though. it's hard to tell you apart
(mental overwhelm)
what else can we talk about.
this eating disorder is pure hell and right now we're just scared because
1) body still sick. not sure if this is because of eggs, or too much vitamin a, or too much roughage. we need to experiment with this (try no eggs, but then what do we use for protein? try no cilantro is easy enough, though, although we crave it for some reason, probably the chlorophyll). maybe (definitely) see a doctor. we have medicaid, that should cover it.
but right now we don't know what else to do. just keep trying, stay hydrated, don't panic. we've been through worse than this.
2) so much fear still tied to eating. so many foods we could potentially eat to widen our diet, but we won't because we're either afraid of eating them or afraid of liking them. we want to live cheaply, minimally, etc. eggs are the cheapest protein. lettuce and cilantro and cucumbers are the cheapest vegetables.
3) so many foods DO make us sick, and/or are triggers. like white flour, and dairy products, and sugar, and beans, and anything with a high carb content. so we CAN'T eat those without painful consequences. we've tested this repeatedly. the results are the SAME. so we have to trust this, even if it's scary and a lot of us would rather fight it tooth and nail because the thought of being "disabled" in a g.i. way is almost unbearable? like, "why can't I be a normal person" translating to "normal=good" or the like. they don't want to be normal, per se, but if they're not normal, they're not seen as human, and even if they don't WANT to be "human," if they're not seen as such, then they're ALSO not seen as deserving of human respect. and they're terrified of being objectified and viewed as a wild animal just because they can't "eat like a [normal] human being." THAT'S the fear. rejection of personhood because of a stupid dietary issue. but it happens. it always happens. god knows why.
we're so tired of this.
we just want eating to be super simple. SUPER SIMPLE. routine isn't a sin with this, it's a blessing.
eggs and vegetables for breakfast. every day. simple, cheap, reliable. no thinking about it.
dinner, what the heck. whatever they make for us. THAT'S the ideal. no thinking about it.
we're so tired of making our own meals. but they don't cook in the evenings anymore, like they did during the sideways week. so we have to adapt. plus we can't eat what they do. we can't have pizza or rice or ground beef or sandwiches, and when I say "can't" I DON'T mean "we're physically unable" (because that's a lie and it WILL be tested by someone inside); I mean that we are capable of eating it but if we do we will experience PHYSICAL SUFFERING. except someone wants to test the "will" and god help you but is the chance really worth it? look at the data results from all the previous times you tested it. look.
"but that one time, we DIDN'T get sick," they say, adamant, afraid, hopeful somehow.
yeah, but what about the other twenty times? I say.
"we/you were just afraid," they say, pleading, desperate, still hopeful. "if you weren't afraid, it wouldn't hurt."
god, we wish. we wish. but is it worth the trying?
"if it will make life easier for them, yes."
…
still. we have to respect our own health. kid, some things we aren't going to be able to eat, nor should we. like those pizzas. MASSIVE trigger food, also you KNOW our body would violently reject it. do you realize that?
"yes. I didn't say you have to eat that!"
but it was implied. "it only hurts if you're afraid." kid there are kids in this system that LIKE pizza, or at least the idea of it, and god knows they WANT to eat it but they WON'T because they get the data. they KNOW that if they LITERALLY ate pizza in this body, we would get VERY SICK.
"only because you're afraid!!"
THAT'S NOT IT. WE'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND OUR BODY CAN'T HANDLE HEAVY CARBOHYDRATE LOADS SO SHUT THE HECK UP IF YOUR IGNORANT REFUSAL TO ADMIT THE TRUTH IS GOING TO HURT EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON UP HERE.
can we stop talking about this
this is simeon
sylvain?
the third boy? between them.
sylvain is more scared and weepy
please stop talking about the food!! it's scary and I don't like how it feels in here
it's okay, I promise. we're okay. they're just upset because they hurt.
and then there's me
are we triplets?
maybe we are!! maybe we are? I don't know how anchors work, is that ok
of course it's ok, you don't need to know how they work unless you want to. but you're not in trouble if you don't know! no one holds it against you.
are you sure?? they said don't be ignorant, I don't want to be ignorant
SYLVAIN I WASN'T TALKING to you you're fine, I promise, you never do anything bad. you’re always okay.
(simeon feels much older than he was/ than we thought. maybe that's where this third kid is coming in, to fill his previous role)
what else, what other topic was there
1) system members. we need to review the lists and find people
(oh hey it's 11:54 pm!! good we're tired. one more hour then we can sleep)
(our stomach still feels funny, are we gonna be ok??) sy
(yes, we'll be okay, trust me. I'm here for you. and they're here for everyone else. we'll make it through this! one way or another.)
(and if we don't??)
(we will, kid. life doesn't actually end in death. besides, we've got people on the outside who care a heck of a lot about us. say this body is going through some severe trouble that's gonna require serious treatment. we'll get it, one way or another, come hell or high water. if OV and MC can't help us out, you know the good-hearted birthfam will.)
(since when were they good hearted??)
(since we started seeing them as people and not perpetuations of their mistakes, for goodness's sake. look at every single email we've gotten from the mother. she's a good person, we know that, we've ALWAYS known that for heaven's sake, we just got bloody blinded by falsely defining her by her trauma-mimicking behavior. hurt people hurt people, and so help me god I am not going to condemn anyone to that ever again. look at our system. hurt people need love and understanding and a listening ear. that's so they can heal. same with the birthfam. chill the heck out. we know they're good at heart, that's been proven, too. now go on with the bullet list, kids)
2) spectrum colors! discovering resonances, attributes, color realm data, etc. also (sherlock thinking here) clarifying exactly how many color slots there truly are; e.g. the orange differentiation question we currently have. similarly, does this still adhere to the supposed "trio pattern" where colors occur in threes, not just tint-tone-shade triads? look into this.
3) jargon. simple as that
4) we'll think of it. let's focus on the first two first, mainly, only if need be.
body acting up, gotta just breathe and deal with it, not obsess over it. it is at is it. we'll be okay.
drink water darn it we're dehydrated from all this trouble anyway
good idea.
also done typing for now, at least here. now to do the actual work.
also daily updates, don't forget those!!
thanks jewel. we will.
signing off at 12:02 am on saturday
going to see black panther later today it's gonna be good if we go into it that way!! movies are super cool LET'S DO IT let's get popcorn too, // can we try some?
are we gonna do the cheesy fry thing or is that gonna stay a conceptual injoke or what
we'll see when the time comes.
as for now, like I said, let's work on the "nine nights" data discovery.
if we don't, it will stay just empty words, and not actual system growth. what we write, we must bring into existence by working.
"it's only one half of the spell" I hear from upstairs.
who resonates with THAT??
I wonder. but that's what these nights are to be about. finding out.
cool, then let's get to it!
my thoughts exactly.
12:04am 021718
