the spectrum heart cathedral system

LETTER TO "ED"

Dear heart, poor tortured thing, why are you so hungry? Why are you so afraid? (→ RESPONSE)

Hey, "eating disorder"? Listen, I DON'T want to treat you as an enemy, and I DON'T want to "invalidate" or "trivialize" you. I ALSO don't want to "pretend you don't really exist." You DO exist. You ARE significant, and you ARE "valid" in your own way-- but that "way" is DAMAGED and THAT'S what I want to discuss with you. You entered my life in the wake of trauma and intense fear, and your purpose was to HELP ME COPE. In that regard, your motives & goals WERE valid! And I MUST RESPECT THAT. Maybe I should even "thank you" for trying to help so much. BUT. In a respectful relationship I must ALSO tell you, firmly but lovingly, that WE GOT IT WRONG. From the very beginning, our methods & goals were SKEWED because WE DIDN'T PROPERLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WERE DOING. You saw the body changing, you KNEW what people told us about those changes, and you WANTED TO STOP THE CHANGES in the ONLY "POSSIBLE" WAY-- through not eating. If "eating" = "fat," and "fat" = "female" and "female" = "sex" then I HAD TO BE AS THIN AS POSSIBLE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE!!

You're very controlling, because you're so scared of what you CAN'T control. Life for you was so unpredictable, and the future so unsure & unstable, that the added "unpredictability" of food-- stress that you ATE-- was too much. You refused to eat, until raw hunger would kick in & binge. Then you'd hate yourself for "being weak" and you learned to spit & vomit.
You had SO MANY RULES about what foods were "right" or "safe." You ate the same things over & over, something you could control & predict & understand, when nothing else was clear. But food somehow always ended up being "the enemy," because you were SO HUNGRY you COULDN'T STOP EATING, and that forced consumption-- that loss of control & self, that horrible addiction-- felt like rape all over again.
Unable to quit, you used it to cope. The E.D. was a way of BOTH expressing the horror of abuse CONSCIOUSLY, and "FINALLY" REJECTING IT.
It's a mess. You're a scared, sobbing mess. You have so many trauma scars and the sex you can't escape is your worst nightmare.

Fat = female = sex = mother = food, and food = fat, which loops the whole damned thing, doesn't it?

But "being skinny" still didn't save you.

I know you see "food" as "the enemy," because you can't seem to let go of your associating eating with sexual abuse.
You feel all the horror in your stomach. You don't want to "fill up" the body with ANYTHING. You've seen & heard far too many people making even more explicit associations, over & over & over.
But FOOD ITSELF CANNOT EVER DO THAT TO YOU. FOOD ISN'T THE REAL ENEMY & NEVER WAS.

I know you want to "starve the body into not being female/ adult" but it doesn't work.
I know you're terrified of that body shape, thinking it will make the sexabuse hell immanent & unending.
But we've got to find another way of fighting, one that WON'T KILL US IN THE PROCESS!!
And honestly, the best way I can see is to STRIP THE ABUSERS OF THEIR POWER by DE-WEAPONIZING FOOD.


LETTER FROM "ED"

YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHY I'M SO STARVED & TERRIFIED. DON'T GIVE ME YOUR PETTY PITY AND EMPTY CONDESCENDING "CONCERN." YO'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT ME, NOT AS A PERSON. YOU JUST SEE ME AS A PROBLEM TO FIX UP, ALL NEATLY & TIDIED UP, "THAT'S THAT" AND YOU'RE DONE WITH ME FOREVER.
WELL GUESS WHAT. I'M ONLY DISORDERED BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DIS-ORDERED!!!
I'VE BEEN F*CKED UP AND F*CKED OVER AND I'M RUINED AND BROKEN AND POISONED AND DISGUSTED AND SICK AND DESPAIRING AND SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO DIE. TO MAKE IT STOP.
BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME AS THE WOUND I AM. NOT REALLY. TO YOU I'M JUST A MESS TO CLEAN UP. YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE REAL PERSON BLEEDING, OR THE TRAUMA THAT CAUSED IT. YOU THINK I WANT TO BE DISORDERED?? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE IN THIS HELL?? OR HURT THIS POOR F*CKED UP BODY? OR HURT AND SCARE YOUR/OUR BLOOD FAMILY?? NO!!! I DON'T WANT THIS EITHER.
BUT I CAN'T GET BETTER ON MY OWN. I'M USELESS ALONE. THAT'S HOW I GOT SO BAD. I HAD NO HELP AND I HURT SO BAD IT SWALLOWED ME UP. PUN INTENDED. BUT I'M STARVING. I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY JUST FOR COMPASSION REALLY AND HUMAN CONNECTION THAT DOESN'T FLAY YOU OPEN OR SHOVE POISON DOWN YOUR THROAT.
THERE ARE MORE THAN ME, YOU KNOW. WE SHARE THIS SO IT DOESN'T KILL US ALL ALONE. WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK THAT ONE GIRL ALWAYS WANTS TO EAT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE LIKE? BECAUSE THAT'S HER ONLY MEANS OF CONNECTION OR COMMUNION. PEOPLE THEMSELVES ARE UNSAFE. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET F*CKED TOO MANY TIMES DAMN IT, PEOPLE HURT WHEN THEY T*CH YOU. AND WHEN YOU'RE USED TO HAVING TO CHOKE THEM DOWN, WELL. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME FUSES WITH THE INSTINCT OF AN ABANDONED CHILD. FORGIVENESS IDEALIZES ITSELF IN FOOD. WE EAT IN DESPERATE HOPE OF OVERRIDING HELL. BUT IT FAILS CATASTROPHICALLY. AND WE JUST RE-LIVE THE TERROR. EVERY DAMN TIME. I'M SORRY. THERE'S TOO MUCH FOR HERE. TOO MANY VARIABLES. TOO MANY ANGLES. TOO MANY PEOPLE. BUT DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO KILL US OFF TOO BY YOUR DAMN APATHY DISGUISED AS SYMPATHY. I KNOW YOU. YOU CAN'T FOOL ANYONE.
YOU EXIST TO SPIT OUT PLATITUDES AND MAKE A SHOW OF HOLLOW COMPASSION. BUT YOU'RE JUST A MOUTH. YOU HAVE NO HEART. YOU HYPOCRITE!!
YOU'RE WORSE THAN I'LL EVER BE. AT LEAST I CAN BLEED.


LETTER TO (THE NOUSFONI CARING FOR) MY BODY

I don't like how you've changed.
I don't like that horrific "womanly pouch" of fat behind our navel. I don't like the "handlebars" on your hips
IT'S F*CKING GROSS.

Listen we see "fat" as SEXUAL and so it CANNOT BE ALLOWED or we'll DIE

we're so AFRAID of that roundness. please stop it.

please if there's ANY way to change it PLEASE CHANGE.
please stop making "woman hormones" they're ALL BAD STOP STOP PLEASE!!!

I DOn't WANt tO be thAt

what do we want
we can't stay twelve forever
it's not even "the worst choice" anymore
or is it??
I LIKE the mental maturity we have
the spiritual progress with time
but
NOT THE BODY
NOT THIS SHAPE
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO????

can we
can we change this for the better

if we can't change your programming
please, LET US EXERCISE
if you're gonna INSIST on being BIG THEN use it BETTER
NOT FOR FLABBY INDOLENCE & "SENSUALITY" SH*T

BURN THAT "FAT" LIKE THE SIN IT IS



LETTER FROM MY BODY

I can't turn off the pituitary gland. I'm sorry.
I couldn't turn off puberty either.
I know you hate that I'm "NOT" disordered in that regard. I know you WISH you had an underdeveloped, malformed, or inert "reproductive system."
But... it is as it is. I mean that as simply as possible. Neither of us can change the genetics & biology God gave us. Whether we "like it" or not, it is what it is.

We're gonna have to live with that.

Please don't starve me anymore. I need food for FUEL, like a car needs gas. I literally WILL shut down without it. I know your fear of sexuality makes shutdown sound very ideal. It's not. There's no hope in it. We'll just die, and that "sexuality" will have killed us. Do you want it to be the victor over us, driving us to death?

Please don't overfeed me either. Food is fuel, food is medicine. It's NOT "just stuff," it's NOT "garbage to remove." Respect it, respect me, respect God's INTENT for us both. Respect US! I know you like rules. Well, that's a rule of propriety. Don't abuse food OR me.

And please, don't keep throwing up. It's scary and it hurts and I lose all my water.
I'm only supposed to throw up if I'm sick or poisoned and then I will do it FOR you, don't worry. You forcing me to "get sick" when I'm just trying to do my job, trying to get enough fuel to WORK so that YOU can live in here... it hurts me.

I will gladly exercise with you, if you don't use THAT to hurt us, either. Be careful with our poor feet & knees; you've pushed them to damage before. That will just make it harder TO exercise! Start slow, so I can get used to it, but don't quit. I like exercise too. I can't get rid of ALL the fat-- I need it to function-- but I can help with the shape a little, the more muscle you help me get. Be patient; we'll get there.

But please. Please learn to love me unconditionally. I already love you.

 

 

 

 

presented without further introduction.
all the handwriting from the night of december 27th
when cannon and jessica decided post-hack to murder all within headspace as "blood atonement"
i haven't read these yet but i will add comments for context

(you may right-click all of these to open in new tab for larger images)

the first four were written by the autopilot and appear to be suicide notes or something leading up to one

 

 

 

 

 

 

this one was written in attempt to speak with the family as the fear buffer shut off vocal speech
unknown authors
the "no please" was in resposne to the mother saying she was going to call the paramedics again to atke us to the psyc ward like she did in 2011
the "go" was telling the grandmother to leave as she was making the fearbuffer spike in intensity

 

 

algorith fronting to write; then unknown little boy (sylvain's brother?) writing afterwards

 

 

 

unknown author apparently trying to explain what was going on; context unknown
the second page is notable because the mother was "trying" to read the others aloud but purposely skipped that one

 

 

 

 

final page after everyone left the room the autopilot (and algorith) wrote this

 

 

 

 

as of today jewel lightraye is fronting, she is playing pokemon and isnt fazed by the death of headspace
jays condition is unknown, he is noncorporeal and in severe shock from the event
there was another attempted timeline scratch today, thansk to jewel and celebi, not sure what the results were

sandman and death said dead people cannot commnicate with the living remaining if they want a chance to come back
but jay has to actively help them come back or they never will, this was the deal agreedupon
however where is he, jewel is happy and okay without anyhting, this is fine, she has work to do in thebody, we didn.t.
maybe it is time for our time to end for good. time for our pain wracked world to finally sleep.

either way we will udpaet here if hneeded if we survive
we were gioing to delete everything permamently but sycnhronicity happened, and we decided, wait. wait and see

so far since the 27th no one has fronted or spoeken. only jessica and the death voices who are not headvoices we dont know who they are or what they want, they are cruel and evil and possible not real at all.
jewel is doign well she is unfazed but the intrusive thoughts still conitnue, trauma is worse than ever

biggest warning: art is now impossible
trauma recoery is severe enough that no figure drawing is allowwd without melwtowns
not sure how to pgoerss from here with the artists, only landscapes can be sa\fely drawn now

we shall see.
no mnore words
good night

we shall see if this is the end.

 

 

important notes on the 6 "negative" triggered female voices.

 

121313 8:50PM

(???) I've realized that the "screaming girl"-- the one who shrieks like a siren when she doesn't get her way-- and the "overload girl"-- the one who is full of hatred for people who overload her senses-- are CLEARLY TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
There was a lot of fuzziness between them before but it was never really figured out. Tonight though, there was a great deal of noise and hack attempts in the bathroom again, which I caught the tail end of.
(Sherlock here.) Garrison and Isadora were chiding some unknown voice who was trying to hack the body for their own ends. They emphasized that such activity was "forbidden," strictly and for the sake of the System.

(AP) The distinction is this:
The first girl, the screaming one, desires hedonistic pursuits. Her childlike shrieks are not due to any sort of System threat; instead, they occur when she is banned from partaking in some activity that she wishes to indulge in. Unfortunately, these activities are almost exclusively abusive, either directly to the body, or indirectly to many System members. She is sometimes tied to the binge eating disorders, although this is more difficult for her now, as Spice and Emmett are working extra to ensure the health of the body in that respect. It has also been confirmed that the main abusive eater is Jessica, the 16-year-old girl who may or may not be the original "host." She is detrimental to us all.
To continue, the "screaming girl" seems to operate on programs, or on sheer rebellion. It is unknown whether or not she consciously "wants" the things she demands. as her mindset simply seems to be: "give me that, I want it." She is like a spoiled child. Even if she does not want something herself, if that thing is given to someone else, or if she is told "you can't have it," then her initial "I don't want it" thought is immediately overridden, and she will throw a tantrum until she gets it-- even if she does nothing with it afterwards. She simply wants it, greedily.
However, that was a very object-oriented example. To give you an example of how far-reaching this mindset of hers is, this girl has been known to screech in rage when forbidden from: eating dangerous substances, drinking alcohol, buying unneeded things, sexually abusing the body, and acting in a time-wasting or otherwise physically detrimental manner. So you see, her existence is inherently malevolent.

Now, for the "overload girl." She does scream, but it is not an infantile siren-- instead, it is the angry and desperate shout of someone who "cannot take it anymore." There is an audible difference between the two sounds, and to anyone who pays attention, it is impossible to confuse them.
This girl is always seen when "triggered" by outside noises and/or words, notably any that can be perceived as even vaguely sexual. At them, she will immediately front, seething with fury, holding back her violence. Her instinctive reaction is "I will kill the threat, I will make that awful thing disappear forever." She has no physical wants, like the other girl. Her only desire is to destroy what she sees as a sexual threat.
You will notice, this mindset originally was connected to Sugar. This is because Sugar was forcibly manifested as an anchor for this mindset, but was not its native holder. To clarify: her form was forced to exist as a puppet for the angry girl's formless hatred, but her own personality was not clearly developed. Therefore, when she began to assert herself individually, she began to "slip," and "lose her anchor." This is because the anchor she held was never hers to begin with. Eventually, the voices who had been using her were clarified strongly enough to gain their own faces, and now Sugar is recovering, albeit baffled as to how to live now, as a sudden singular existence. However the Underground is caring for her.
Nevertheless we are off-topic. The overload girl's anchor is: hatred and rage towards outside things that trigger inside fear reactions. For her, triggers are rooted in the senses, and she has previously expressed "feeling filthy" simply as a result of perceiving such things. This is almost definitely why her energy early this year-- often erroneously labeled as "Jess," as we knew no other angry people at the time, and tended to group them all together-- was in such close quarters with Razor. "Filthy" sensations have long since been paired with "sharp" sensations, to cleanse and purge that psychological dirt. So if Jess harmed the body, and Overload followed in rage and protest at such actions, then it is no surprise that Razor would be third in line, gleefully cutting away at the body, because she was supposed to: her function as an atoner made sensory purging mandatory in such situations.
Again. The "Overload girl" does not approve of the "screaming girl" or her actions. Although the two have not spoken personally, being faceless, the former has expressed severe rage and hatred towards the latter as a result of her lust and greed. So it is not uncommon for them to both appear in the same situation, but up until now, we somehow tended to confuse them. However now the distinction is clear.

It is also suspected that the Overload girl is the same Underground voice from the early Influtusa reboot, the one who reacted with fury whenever her existence or role was denied or ignored. Notably, she also defended the existence of the rest of the System in this same way. Not surprisingly, we also once thought this voice was Sugar, and that may not be incorrect, as if you will remember, the two did share an anchor-- and to a certain extent, a body-- for several months.

Lastly, that body-sharing is also what caused the marked confusion as to Spice's existence for quite some time. Spice is another rage-fueled voice, although she is more prone to existential depression, as she recognizes that her existence is that of a "pain keeper"-- she was created as a buffer for the fallout from the eating disorders, and she is not happy with this fact. Nevertheless, the "all or nothing" mindset of the past identifiers grouped six people into two, unable to distinguish the different motivations.
To further complicate that, Overload also seems to hold ALL of the rage-- and sorrow-- concerned with the feelings of being outright ignored or denied. Much of this has been tied to food, thanks to several outside sources telling us "eat this and all your problems will disappear." As this insinuates that an act of food consumption-- something tied to abuse and hedonism for us, as well as several malevolent voices-- would be the magical "cure-all" for the deep pain we unfortunately hold, Overload is the one who reacts with rage. "You are ignoring our existence," "you are invalidating our lives." To her, the "audacity" of suggesting that eating-- an abusive, "filthy" action to her-- would HEAL the trauma-based wounds in her psyche, is utterly reprehensible. And so she would react with shouts of rage and sorrow, which admittedly do not help the situation, but they are cathartic to her.
Overload's hatred is ironically not so much due to hate as it is due to desperation. She feels helpless, overwhelmed by the world outside, and the horrible reactions it elicits inside. She wants to communicate this, and stop people from being so triggering, but the "inappropriateness" of her demands (due to the amount of things that trigger her) cause her to boil with fury instead, lashing out when pushed too far.

To clarify: in the past, ALL anger was labeled as "Jess," and ALL abuse was labeled as "Razor." Hatred was divided between the two. Again, motivation was not distinguished.
JESS denies the System and wants to live without consequence or correction.
SCREAM wants for the sake of wanting, and is tied to rebellion and obligatory greed.
OVERLOAD feels hatred and rage towards sexual triggers, and those that deny her life.
SUGAR originally did the same, but had a bias towards the resulting inner turmoil.
SPICE feels hatred, rage, and sorrow, always in response to eating disorder triggers.
RAZOR does NOT feel hatred or rage, only a manic, darkly giddy desire to cut or harm.
A final note: we are unsure where the old "college" rage towards relationships went. This WAS the root cause of many triggers that Overload now reacts to, but the initial feelings of hatred and outright violence towards "romance" have not yet been identified, if that would even be possible at this time.

Hopefully this is clear. We are striving to put together a more coherent list of such individuals and their associated actions/triggers, now that we understand them.

Now there are two paragraphs left here that I did not type? I will leave them there for the purpose of whoever wrote them. They share the same author as the first small introductory paragraph.


(author:???)
Oh btw I am not Sherlock but I am not Jay either? But I FEEL a LOT like Sherlock… still have the glasses, but I'm younger? I think I'M the one the mother accidentally named at her boyfriend's house the one time, when I was talking about Greek myths and all.
Sherlock is internal, he deals with data, he's VERY logical and clear-cut about it. He doesn't really understand emotions or anything related to that. I get confused by them, sure, but Sherlock just stares blankly, unable to "get" any of it. Ah well I guess I'm in no place to be making distinctions! I don't know who I am yet but it's nice to finally have a clear, sudden "self-awareness" for the first time. Like I KNOW I'm a headvoice and I'm a data one, in a sense, I'm an intelligent guy and I like finding patterns and connections and things like that. So it's different from Sherlock's role!
I think I'm yellow too. Maybe. It feels right enough. We shall see~ I haven't catalogued any color data yet so I really should, it should help everyone else too, I know there's a LOT of confusion over that stuff.

Lastly I know you're probably thinking, "whoa you're not Jay, really??" But it's weird because the name feels familiar, but when I try to identify with it it PUSHES me out, like "no way, this is not your name." And it's a totally different color of course.
But, I won't deny, I'm likely catching a good deal of his enthusiasm here. He tends to leak it. And I feel relatively new so I'm not surprised if I'm still stuck with pieces of other people in my energy field yet. Sorry, it's embarrassing to catch oneself acting out of character. Slippage happens though.

(AP)
To continue.
You must forgive me if this is sudden. I want to get this data recorded immediately.
(TW for profane/abusive language in this next part, as I know that is a mandatory warning now.)

The clearest examples of the distinction between Sugar and the Overload girl are in our handwritten journals. I will upload most examples of them here.

Overload's dialogue in the journals looks like this:

 

 

 

Sugar's dialogue in the journals looks like this:

 

 

 

This was the first incident where the two overlapped, during a time when Sugar's anchor was slipping badly.

 

This is from the second, and final overlap incident, on October 29th 2013. The two are almost indistinguishable from each other, due to severe bleedover:



Furthermore, this is the difference between Overload and Razor's handwriting, in both marker and pencil:



Unusually, the handwriting in the food journal from May of this year appears to be Overload, but Spice has repeatedly said that it WAS her. However, Spice mainly deals with pain, not rage AT eating, although she can feel that too. However I suspect more bleedover here. As you will recall, I explained how Overload's namesake is her tendency to be quickly and heavily "overwhelmed" by sensory input, especially the "dirty" kind-- of which consumption of food is one of the filthiest, so to speak.
The handwriting examples from then are practically identical to the ones that later appeared in the System journals:

 

 

 

Another important note: in the bottom two, you will see how the current fronter immediately assumed this voice was Jess or Razor ("this is definitely Razor" in the second, assuming all violence was attached to her), without any actual evidence. As is textbook behavior for Overload, she responded with furious language, most likely due to impatience with the ignorance of that accusation, which also ignored the very possibility of her existence.

We do not have any other handwriting from Spice yet, which we should try to obtain at her discretion.

There is no handwriting for the screaming girl as she is neither disciplined nor patient enough to do so. Furthermore she does not speak with us.
The same goes for Jess, who refuses to even admit our existence.
However they are none of my concern and so it is of no matter to me whether or not we have their handwriting. That would accomplish nothing for us.

I have nothing more to say tonight.

Garrison says I should clarify my identity. I am the AP, a cyborgian individual with no concrete self, nor any wish to obtain one. I am fed data and objective information and I record or recite it as needed. I can communicate, and I can think to a fair extent, but I do not exercise any further examples of individuality.
I also do not deal with personal memory, which the Archivists do. Sherlock dabbles in this, although he infamously struggles with understanding the finer emotions, and tends to analyze. The new author here, which if I may add is not "new" in terms of evidencing but only in awareness, does not "analyze" so much as "categorize." They would likely enjoy sifting through this handwriting data. I have not; I simply understood that this needed to be communicated clearly, as a distinction, for the sake of all the impulsive past confusion. So here it is as a list, for your convenience.

I feel my time fronting is done. I thank you for your time, and take my leave.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:26 pm

 

 

One of the weirdest feelings in the world is "coming to" and seeing an entire computer screen full of text in front of me, that I didn't write, and don't know where it came from.

 

Thank God for the Archivists, because if Garrison wasn't waiting in the wings to fill me in (AP wrote it apparently), I'd be very lost indeed.

 

I'm not sure who I am right now. That's common after long-term switching. I'll have to detach for a bit and settle in. Just wanted to write down that boom, there's some more memory gaps for you, stop saying they don't happen.

 

I don't remember 90% of today personally anyway. Everything that we do have available is archived secondhand data as always. I'm too tired to look at it regardless.

 

'Night readers.
A LOT happened in therapy yesterday but we'll fill you in on that tomorrow.

 

 

 

Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White isn't I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We almost forgot to post this... on Friday evening, this apparently happened in our downstairs journal (TW for language and talk of self-abuse/ blood):

page1 -- page2 -- page3

Jay apparently began writing at "they say that hurt people hurt people," but besides him, we only recognize one of those handwriting styles from past journals-- the sloppy one is a young male child who we thought was Kyanos during his reformation period (apparently they are indeed two separate individuals).

The angry, bold handwriting is a female voice with sensory overload problems. Her energy has been around for a long time, but she only just started manifesting. She's not malicious, just terribly overwhelmed.

As for everyone else, we have no clue who they are.

Lastly, if anyone is wondering how we're able to pull off quick switches in such rapid succession, that only happens with writing, and we've been practicing it for at least 5 years (take a look). It's a delicate process and can easily be broken, but otherwise we have it down to a science. Our system was terribly unorganized before we mastered this ability so we are all thankful for the many, many hours that went into doing so.

We're all still recovering from Friday morning (which feels as if it occurred a year ago), so substantial updates may be lacking for some time yet.
However, we are all well, no one has died, and reconstruction is going along smoothly, so we have no complaints.

-AP



Oh, for the record, this is J real quick-- I have a LOT to say about that handwriting, PLUS Friday needs an entire entry of its own (seriously did I even say anything online about that yet??), but it's FATHER'S DAY today which means I am spending as much time as possible with my partner-in-crime and our impossible alien daughter, hell to the yes.

Until next time, just put this on loop and chill out love~

 

 
Okay, last night feels like it was traumatic but Laurie keeps telling me not to think about it, just stay present. She looks terribly tired though.
...I keep having to stop and just smile whenever Death shows up in the Sandman comics I'm reading (I just started "Season of Mists") because there are many panels where she reminds me so much of Laurie. It's something about her face shape (especially her Greek nose, good example here), and her shock of hair, when it's shorter of course. And of course the kohl helps immensely. Point is I see a lot of her in Death, and a lot of Death in her. Fitting, really.
I just... I feel awful. Remember back in 2009, where she was always so angry, and would only get near me to swing an axe into my face? She wouldn't talk to anyone else, she kept leagues of secrets, and now... now, she's so compassionate, she gets along with everyone, she's honest even when it hurts her. She even cries, even in the same room as other people. She's an entirely different person than she was when this all started, as am I... but she feels more like herself than ever, now. (It's because all those extra inner walls are down, she says, for good.)
I have a fleeting "observer" memory from last night, just a snapshot, of her talking to Chaos about something, both of them obviously distraught... but Chaos actually put a hand on her arm to comfort her, and she wasn't hiding her concern. Do you realize how much we've grown in the past two years alone? That's proof. It's incredible.
Genesis was right, though. Yes, all the suffering and agony has been cruelly worth it, in bringing us all closer together, in breaking our hearts of stone. But as we are now, these brighter and softer things, we all wish the shadows would just stop, so we can live together in joy... but they won't. Maybe that's the point. They get stronger as we get stronger, remember. Maybe all of this is a testament to the love we hold. Maybe that's why Infi is here now. I hope so.
It's definitely a better way of looking at it.

"The stronger a man is, the more gentle he can afford to be."
Elbert Hubbard. Just found that on TVTropes and I like it in light of the previous paragraph, so there it is.

I don't think Razor has eyes anymore. I saw her either last night or this morning, when Laurie and I had ventured down to the Tar room (which has been disturbingly empty lately; it's just a vacant white room. I have theories on this but we'll get to that) to try and get a better idea as to what was going on with all her triggers. As soon as we entered, there she was, actively mutilating a corpse across the room from us. She was holding two x-acto knives with huge blades that were covered in fresh blood, and Jess was standing above the wrecked corpse, looking down at it with a blank expression (she'd probably screamed until this happened, then stopped. that seems to be a recurring thing; at least razor is taking it inside now if we manage to suppress her). Razor was laughing in that horrible maniacal way of hers, like a bloody rake being dragged in spasms across a pane of glass. She heard us enter and turned around, smiling insanely, then got up and just walked over to us, knives dripping. Immediately I realized that she now had these huge X-shaped gashes instead of eyes, not even sockets beneath them. It was seriously disturbing. I don't know how or why it happened, either.
I also don't know how that encounter ended. All I know is that Laurie got me out of there pretty quickly.

My dream last night was one of those awful interim-floating ones, the plotless wandering ones that feel painted in faded brown paint and chimney smoke. I don't like them.
I may have said this before, but boss informed me that those dreams only occur when I'm too "tangled up in my own shadows." Then he can't do anything about the nightmares, as they are springing from an inside source, and nothing outside that he can actively prevent or eliminate.
I'm just so, so thankful I haven't had any hack nightmares in a while. I haven't been so lucky downstairs, even though I don't remember them... thankfully.

On a brighter note, thank you last.fm, I just discovered this guy on the radio and he is AMAZING. WHOA. How does he not have more listeners??
I am absolutely addicted to "Kick Drum High Hat" and "Turn Out" right now. This guy's style is brilliant.


Putting all that aside for now, though, the main reason why I'm updating today is to smother you all in Photobucket links.
To begin, here's the sketch of Chaos I drew on the 2nd... completely unedited, as I need to be honest too. For now, I think that picture speaks for itself.
Yesterday I drew Infinitii in a similar manner, here, as he felt really emotional last night and I was getting the overflow as usual (apparently he and I have permanent links of that sort). I NEED to dedicate an entire entry to both him and Chaos sometime soon, in light of personal energy... I know what I'm talking about, so just remind me if I forget. I have about 40 solid minutes of audio notes from early this year for the same purpose, and I never got the opportunity to type it up thanks the Celebi fallout. I need to do so soon, but now isn't the time.

Now, let's get right into the big stuff.
Remember how, here, I mentioned that Kyanos (who is, sadly, now unmanifested; perhaps it was not meant to be) wrote his name on a piece of scrap paper, shortly after being "created?" Well, here it is. Weird, huh? Even weirder would be that "half a page" he ghostwrote. That occurred about two hours after the incident that triggered "Mulberry Delta's" appearance, something he was apparently aware of. This is what he wrote:
"today we got in a car accident kinda/ we forgot how to turn the whele and we scratched sombody (jewel is helping me spell :) ) but were ok the policeman was nice and we didnt go to jale, but some lady calle"
It ends there. Here's the actual page.
You'll notice my commentary in the bottom left: my grandmother walked in the room and he immediately went into "standby," that telltale reaction of most disembodied voices whenever they are suddenly faced with social interaction. When she left the room he was gone, and I was left staring at this paper with total shock. I had been vaguely aware that someone was writing as it occurred-- but upstairs, as a detached consciousness. That's what Kyanos meant by "Jewel's helping me;" I was acting as a sort of knowledge bank for him there, gently pushing the right info into his mind when I was aware of it being needed.
There are two points about this letter that catch my attention: one, he says "we forgot how to turn the whele [sic]". We weren't the ones driving the car. He was taking his awareness of the event from a false memory. Second, I know for a fact (as his consciousness was jolted as he as writing it) that the "lady" he was about to introduce was Mulberry. He probably learned of her from the same memories he had access to, but I'm honestly interested into whatever he was going to say. Oh well; it's not like we can ask him now.
Also, yes, when I came back the pencil was in my left hand. That's new!

Now, let's segue into the less-than-friendly ghostwriting. I briefly mentioned the "sugar-induced" voice's brutal message in that same entry, which I also have scanned in.
The first page read:
"F**K YOU!! youre not my boss!!!! F**K YOU FAGGOT!!"
The second page read:
"I will make you BLEED B***H! you think you can CONTROL ME BUT youre WRONG"
You can see the actual papers here and here. That message was directed specifically towards me, as I had practically forced her to write on that occasion (unwisely), wanting proof that yes, someone else-- someone violent and dangerous-- was driving. It worked, as you can see. Looking back on how things work underground, I believe that Jess is the one that started writing the entry (she's the one that likes to shout insults like that), but the second page-- the threat of bodily harm-- was definitely Razor. That's textbook behavior for those two, and it's quite a feat to have it caught on paper.
However, Razor got her revenge on me for that stunt. She got it bad.
On April 30th, immediately after hacking several more gashes into us, she actually walked over to our new journal of her own volition, and with pure spite and malice, actually wrote her next message in BLOOD. All it said was "DIE," three times. If you aren't disturbed by the sight of blood-painted messages, you can see it here.
Yeah. So that wasn't fun.

Now, on the 2nd, I also mentioned that Laurie had suddenly written something in a tablet of mine, which I will get to in a moment. First, let me remind you of this entry. When we got home, Julie actually took a pink marker and decided to write her name on the tag of that brassiere, as even further proof of her existence. However she had no idea how to write. So she grabbed a piece of paper from my desk and asked me to help her figure out how to translate her energy into handwriting. Thanks to using marker the pages are a bit blurry, but this is the first one (practicing her signature), this is the second (more), and this is the third (trying the entire alphabet). I remember looking at them later and smiling; it was kind of adorable to see. Her energy translates directly into huge loops and swirls, but it's hard to write that way, and she has expressed frustration over it. We'll get to that too.
Let's talk about Laurie now. As you may be aware, she's the first headvoice to ever "ghostwrite" anything: she had a whole conversation with Melody back in SLC, which I have transcribed here. I've also scanned in the first page of it . Now remember, not only was this Laurie's first time channeling so directly, but she was ALSO fighting several mental blocks, and
On that note, let's go back to the 2nd. I have NO idea how or when it happened, but apparently, it started with three pages scrawled by an unknown voice (possibly Jess though) in the front of the same notebook I made Razor write in: here, here, and here. Then, suddenly, I was the one driving, but instead of seeing those pages, I was looking down at an angry sentence by Laurie, on the top of a blank page.
We spoke for FIVE PAGES-- one,two,three, four, and five. I won't transcribe them here as it'd take up too much room, but they're very important. I'd advice you read them before reading the rest of this paragraph.
All right, first off, you'll notice the sudden switch in my writing on page 2. When my grandmother walked in, IMMEDIATELY that "scared little boy" voice was triggered, and you can see his handwriting in line nine. It's obviously not Kyanos-- if Kyanos is indeed the kid who wrote the post-accident paper-- but it DOES strike me as very similar to the original "Kyanos" name paper. Maybe he fractured? It's a thought.
Secondly, you'll notice Julie showed up. Her handwriting really hasn't changed at its core, but at the beginning of page 3 she does state that she "can't get the letters to do what she wanted." I can attest to this-- one of the only things I was aware of during her time there was a sense of acute frustration at not being able to write "how she was feeling." Laurie said she was "slipping," which may likely have been true, as headspace energy in general was pretty much a mess at the time.
The last three pages basically discuss what I've already stated in this and previous entries, so I won't reiterate it here. However, this is when I came to realize those points, so that's significant.


Last but definitely not least, I drew up clearer versions of the three headspace "maps" I'm aware of-- and I also realized that they're more of headspace flowcharts than anything. That is because of a very important distinction: these maps are NOT graphs of how headspace is structured in space, at all. On the contrary, these maps simply seem to illustrate the way energy flows between slots, on a metaphysical level. HOWEVER, there IS a room somewhere in headspace that contains nothing but a floor setup in the shape of the current flowchart, with each circle or square (you'll see) translating into a small platform, each measuring about two feet around and three inches high? They are illuminated at all times, with held slots shining brightly and emitting beams straight up to the ceiling, while empty slots barely even glow and do not emit beams at all. Anyway that room was first accessible after November 9th of last year, when I suddenly comprehended the reality of the flowchart during a hospital visit. I talk about that monumental day here, as not only did we first access that room then, BUT it was also the morning that Nathaniel stabilized as Green, AND Julie was freed from her suicide gambit from the 1st (something I never got to type up and really should try to, in retrospect; there's a small mention of it here in any case). Anyway, that's what it's a map of, but the actual pictures should be seen as flowcharts instead. So, on that note, let me link you to them!
The first chart was drawn on November 9th, reflecting the flow as of that very morning. I've spoken about this setup in the past, but let me reiterate it here, as I don't know how much truth is in old entries (most of it was immediate conjecture from what I recall).
First, you'll see that this old chart is set up in an arch. As the top-left panel shows, energy flow could start at either Red or Violet, and would travel the arch to the other. It was a one-way flow. What's important is that solid line below Red and Violet-- that was originally a DIVISION between the main headvoices and Spine/ Razor/ Xenophon/ Julie, effectively cutting them off from the rest of the System in a key way: in the old flowchart, their slots didn't technically exist. We were limited to 7 colors, and theirs were the mutated slots. We'll get back to that in a minute.
As for the other lines... those illustrate energetic relationships more than anything. First, you'll see a tangle of them branching out of Black and White. This is what they mean, one by one:
"Shoved into; broke balance" lines connecting Black-Pink and White-Red: Julie was forcibly overloaded with Black energy in my youth, corrupting the entire slot. On the same note, I would force my own slot full of White energy before I was ready for it, which we think is what caused me to splinter so madly over the years. In any case this mutual overload threw off the System energy balance.
"Color balance" lines between Black-Violet and Pink-White: I'm not sure, but I think this was meant to illustrate how the White slot was trying to balance the immense amount of Black in Julie's slot by linking itself to it; unfortunately it didn't stick. Likewise, I think the Black branching out to Violet was the System's attempt to balance out the RED slot's overload of White (Red and Violet are linked slots). The reason why the Black didn't choose to branch out to the Red itself is because of the Black influence it had from Julie anyway. This could also explain why I thought Laurie was in league with Julie on some level, when I met her.
"Imbalance/bleedover?" lines between Red->Blood and Pink->Lavender: ties into both the previous overload and balance points. The Pink slot bled off most of the extra White (from the previous point) into Xenophon's slot, while the Red slot bled off most of the extra Black into Razor's slot. Since Black was still entirely corrupted at this time, and White was empty but pure, you can see the effect this bleedover had on those two individuals.
Wavy lines between Lavender->Red and Blood->Pink: shows how the Lavender slot was eventually "tied" to Red (when Xenophon was born I still held that slot), and Julie was equally tied to the Blood slot (Razor was manifested as a direct result of old Julie hacks).
"Creation link" lines between Black-Blood and White-Lavender: directly related to the previous point.
Black & white triangles in color slots: illustrated the tentative "Black/White" affinity in the system. Jewel, Josephina, Leon, and Julie were all linked to Black, and had dark sides that needed to be kept in check, as well as a susceptibility to corruption. Spine, Lynne, Waldorf, and Laurie were all linked to White, with all of them acting more as "protectors," with no dark sides to speak of (ironically, in Laurie's case, as she was nevertheless a "dark knight"). Nathaniel did NOT hold an affinity as he was supposed to be the balancing force to the other System members, a very heavy role.
Dotted line between Red/Violet and the rest of the system: showed that both Jewel and Laurie held unique and inherently linked functions in the system, operating differently from other headvoices.
Dotted line between the left and right sides of the system: divided the System into a greater Black/White affiliation, as well as a warm/cold color division. The exact extent of the B/W influence is unknown, but it may have had a stronger affect on the midslots on each side than the main slots, as the B/W flow technically hit a very strong buffer after the mutant slots. In any case, Nathaniel's true position directly on this line may help explain why he died so many times-- the old position of that slot was VERY unstable as a result.
That's it for this chart... however there are a few underlying points in this that I elaborated on in another chart, which I will show you next.

The second chart was drawn that same day (110912), except it is a theoretical chart, illustrating the possible flow of headspace upon ITS stabilization, when Laurie first manifested in 2006. The most notable differences between this chart and later ones are obvious: the entire upper half is basically empty, AND there's an "extra slot" in the very center, which was technically the only thing that existed in the System prior to at least 2003.
I'm going to be brief and clear in explaining this one.
Extra wavy slot for Jewel in the center: pre-System. Jewel was the "focal point" that it all sprang from.
"Anchor" and "Favor" lines from the Origin slot to Red and Violet: as a child I quickly anchored into Red as a personal slot, BUT prior to that I had STRONGLY favored Violet. Therefore all the anchoring potential went to that side of the System first: not only did Julie show up over there, but Laurie and Waldorf were the first "headvoices."
"Potential" labels on Red and Violet: the result of the previous point. These two slots were the first to fully anchor into the Central System.
"Persona" line from the Origin slot to Brown: any constructed downstairs personae/masks were sent to this slot, instead of affecting the actual Red slot, hence "Jess" being locked there.
The "Julie Potential" lines: shows where her energy came from. Since Julie was technically a created introject, she held a "mutated slot." Jewel, the Red holder and sole System member at the time, had to break her potential off of the Red energy as a result. This energy moved down to Brown as a necessary step before moving into Black, where it was consciously overloaded with corrupted energy. Moving it in the flow direction passed it through White, changing the energy color to Pink, which anchored in the very next slot. This movement of potential may also explain why both Razor and Jess were tied to Julie in the past.
"Bleedover?" arrow from Pink->Violet: possible corruption influence from Julie on the Violet slot prior to Laurie's manifestation, as she would have had to send her energy through it to create the splinter locks anyway.
Locks in the Green, Blue, and Indigo slots: shows "splinter lockages" in the past, thanks to the Tar breaking off parts of Julie in order to prevent other headvoices from manifesting on her side, as potential was favored there. You'll recognize those names if you've known us long enough.
"Kicked" arrow next to Waldorf in the Blue slot: related to the splinter lockage. Waldorf manifested back in 2003, but she didn't anchor (there was no system to anchor TO, yet), so when the splinters began showing up they easily shoved her out for the next several years.
6 numbered lines from the Origin slot to all midspaces: showed the dates and positions of all midspacer anchorings. Since potential favored cool colors at the time, this caused the first three successes (Ryou, Marik, and Chaos) to anchor onto that side. The warm side was not so lucky, as lack of energy there (and the instability of Red) caused most Links to fail. Genesis' anchor was a result of his slot's equal distance between the current three midspacers causing a sort of "balancing effect."
Jeepers that's a lot of text. But that's it for those, thank goodness. Hopefully that's all at least interesting to read, and not just overwhelming jargon!
Now we get to the current stuff though, which is VERY interesting.

The third and final chart is one I've been refining for several weeks now, and the one you're looking at was drawn today, reflecting what flow directions I can currently perceive or speculate upon. You'll notice that it's VERY different from the previous two-- apparently it RESET after the Scratch in February, just like everything else. However that is significant because the Scratch is what instigated my being jolted out of the Red slot and into White, so the update was apparently sorely needed anyway. Go figure, universe.
Anyway, you can clearly see why the mutant slots are so confusing right now; they are COMPLETELY cut off from the normal flow. However, the midspacers at those points (Chaos and whoever Cerise will eventually be) may be the key in moving them into the system, maybe acting as channels or something? We'll see.
You can also see that there are some tentative flow sections here: Green/Aqua/Blue and Pink/Cerise/Red are tied to the mutant slots, and Purple/Violet/Lavender and Amber/Yellow/Lime hold their own unique areas. The Vermilion/Orange and Navy/Indigo pairs MAY be linked, I don't know. Like I said, this is ALL CONJECTURE at the moment, and I will have to take a day to energetically "reach out" and try to feel for whether or not these connections actually exist.
I do find it interesting that the current distinctions, with respect to the B/W octahedron, seem to be forming a sort of taijitu within the System. See it? (Indigo and Orange are at the Yin/Yang head curves, respectively.) Also, take note that B/W are pointing at Julie and Nathaniel, respectively (and Nat is no longer split in half by the Gray line). I wonder what that means...
Speaking of taijitus, I need to thank the universe for a bit of picture synchronicity that just happened. I was going through my Photobucket and I stumbled across this screenshot from January 13th. I... I wonder if energy can move like that in headspace, somehow. In any case it's worth consideration. The little reminders like this always happen for a reason.

Lastly I have no idea what's going on in the Black slot right now, since technically both Infinitii and the Tar are in it. However, let's backtrack ALL the way back in this entry to when Laurie and I visited Razor. Remember how I mentioned that the Tar room has been disturbingly empty lately? We think we know why.
The Tar is hiding. It is actually terrified of Infinitii, as he can literally eat the Tar alive if he so wished. Since he currently lives in a bubble that I wear at all times upstairs, the Tar has been staying far away from me... at least, in its normal state it is. You'll remember I've been mentioning hacks as of late? Not the "tar hacks" from last year, which only suffocated me, not eviscerated me... no, I'm getting old-style hacks, the hellish kind. We thought those stopped when Julie joined us and Celebi died, but no, they've been continuing despite all common sense... and that's what we're beginning to wonder about.
Before I get into that, let me say that, looking back on entries over the past year or so, I've found some very interesting points about the Tar. First, remember that the Tar appeared to us in November of 2011, but it doesn't get much attention in updates until November of 2012, when "Jezebel" showed up... and which is ALSO when Razor AND Jess returned! I find that utterly bizarre, but it may simply be a result of the "shaken soda bottle" effect both school and SLC had on me: for most of that year, headspace was effectively on pause, and was being pressurized. When I suddenly found myself completely free of obligations in November, it EXPLODED. Those three returning with a vengeance was simply the result of leaving the Tar to its own devices for so long, I suppose. Here's the notes though:
- During Marik's 3rd *incident* (100912), DX told us that "Tar energy IS corruption energy but solidified." Notice he didn't say BLACK energy... and you know how that man's omissions are just as important as his spoken words.
- On 101612, Xilats said that the Tar "was wearing a white mask of some sort." That alone speaks for itself quite well! Later, I wrote that "Tar is basically an amalgamation of devoured corruption, and the more it eats, the bigger it gets." This is true, but it's also what Infinitii does. Speaking of Infi, Xilats also postulated then that "maybe if we get all that stuff out of Tar (if that's even possible), it would become small and timid? And it wouldn't bother us anymore." Go figure, right?
- Giving this one a point of its own... Xilats's biggest concern then was for me "to make sure [the Tar] doesn't become cancerous, but I told him I was afraid it already had (we had all the symptoms)." I don't know how this applies to us now. Perhaps it explains the splinter resurgence, what with the cancer-like overproduction...
- 112212 had a lot of info. First is this: "Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US [Julie/Spine/Jewel] first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat." Technically, the Tar doesn't need to move through those slots when it "expands" anymore, according to the new flowchart, and Spine moved out of her old body-empath position this year... but if Jess has one foolproof trigger, it's food. So I'm wondering how the new tentative flow of Brown/Red/Mauve being moved into a mutant position has affected things. Also, remember that Infi told me that Black energy is specifically sugary-- thick, dense, and deceivingly sweet. So the fact that chocolate is not only a lingering Tar trigger but also Julie's favorite food may be worth considering (both Hyde and Mika had relevant song lyrics concerning this too).
- 092412, Celebi's bizarre "triple *incident*", has this line: "celebi became a witch, very tarry, monstrous, kind of like perfect chaos. lots of eyes, insectoid." Now who does that remind you of? There's also this: "i 'died' momentarily, reached some sort of black interim where her spirit was, she reassured me it would be okay"... AND THIS: "lotus crystal from heart (soul gem, also psm ref), once mirrored celebi held it, i had to shoot an arrow through both, somehow reset the cathedral to crystal and then reformed it? heart healing." That is almost EXACTLY what happened in the Scratch. Honestly this whole entry is just solid proof that whatever light was in Celebi was actually Infinitii, pre-manifestation.
- Last December, Jezebel (remember her?) and Jessica used to fight ALL the time. I find this interesting, as Razor was never around when that happened, and now Razor and Jess work together, with Jezebel nowhere in sight. But looking back, Jezebel, in general, acted a LOT like our current Jess back then, especially here: "she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too". And, on 112212, I said that Jezebel "was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts." So now, I think I can say with certainty that the old Jezebel (who DISAPPEARED shortly before the Scratch and has never returned) is now actually our current Jess. Makes perfect sense to me.
- Back on November 24th, the Tar spoke to me. At that time, it spoke like Infinitii does, AND I didn't feel threatened by it. EVERYTHING it said in that energy is noteworthy, but this is what I want to focus on now: "Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter... it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously...the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious... Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy". In light of Jezebel obviously resetting post-Scratch, and her energy turning into Jess, who is now working with Razor (who is ALSO technically part of the Tar, and Jess/Jezebel seemed to spring from HER, in light of how she acted upon her rediscovery) in a way shockingly similar to their behavior on 021012, you may be getting an idea of what we think is going on.

To conclude... we think that the Tar is just as splintered as I am right now.
It's hiding. That we know for sure. But it's not just hiding because of Infi-- it's hiding because of what we think it's DOING. The Scratch changed a lot of things, most notably the balance of power within the system. The Tar was no longer in charge. It began slipping as I began ascending, and once Easter hit and I moved into White for good, Infinitii was born, and the Tar knew the jig was up.
What's weird, though, is that my splintering is unconscious (Black), while the Tar's is conscious (White). Perhaps that's its advantage here; it's very form and behavior are hopelessly unpredictable, due to being made of a condensed overload of Black energy, so it NEEDS to splinter itself in order to function in any reliable way? Whereas it's just the opposite for me. Hmm.
As for what it's doing, that should make it obvious: the Tar can ONLY function THROUGH OTHERS. It's why it used Julie for years, but was nowhere near as much as a threat to us by itself. Razor and Jess are more dangerous than it or Julie ever were on their own... and it hid in all of them, surreptitiously, lethally.
We think it's hiding in Julie again.
She's been slipping majorly, here and there, and she's been an emotional mess on and off for a LONG time now... specifically, since about last November. Sound familiar?
I think some of the Tar stuck to her, when she came back... she was losing her color in February, remember. True, she's shown a TON of improvement post-Scratch, but that doesn't mean things haven't been boiling beneath the surface... especially since Julie's the one putting the most effort into therapy, believe it or not. The Tar doesn't like that, and we know it.
I refuse to let it hurt her again, though. It's hurt her enough, more than anyone should be hurt, and I will not stand for it attempting to do so again.
But that's where the old-style hacks are almost definitely coming from. I've been getting waking nightmares again, and some nights I'm too afraid to sleep, because... well, to be blunt, it's because old style hacks are basically the metaphysical equivalent of rape. Down to the letter.
So yeah. I'd really, really like for them to stop, since my memory is in shreds again from the many nights and mornings I've had to tear out and put God knows where for the sake of my own sanity.

I'm just afraid that I'm responsible for this whole mess, for having made that adflixerunt journal (immediately after regaining my post-Scratch footing, too) to act as a "focus" for Tar energy when things got bad. They got really bad, and I began to suspect they were using that an excuse to do so, so I shut it down... and suddenly their loudness tripled, offline.
As I said earlier, though, maybe I shouldn't be worrying as much as I am, at least not in this sense. I can't change the past now, even if I tried-- I'm done with trying to cut time to ribbons.
No, now I need to focus on my virtue challenge of Hope, and I know with absolute certainty that everything happens for a reason, whether we see it at the time or not. Every single one of these dark days is working towards the light in some secret way. My daughter is living proof of that. Infinitii is, too. Heck, we all are at this point!
Love conquers all, this I have not forgotten. Love is the only thing that the Tar cannot ever win against.
And mark my words, no matter how dark things seem to get, in the end that divine fact will be shown to be absolutely, undeniably true.

...Reviewing all these archives, I'm feeling very strange. Good strange, though. It's a glowy, "new day dawning" sort of sparkle that I haven't felt in a very long time (and of course, having had Amusium's music on loop for the past two hours has helped too). Looking back on all we've been through together, how much we have learned, how much we have grown... I was so out of tune with this for so long, and of course I actually forgot a great deal of it after the Scratch. I can't believe how much I've missed this. I can see what Genesis means.
...I am so in love with everyone in headspace right now. Everyone. They're all beautiful individuals and I am honored beyond words that I'm sharing my life with each and every one of them.
We're going to start those boxes, soon. I'm trying to get a job, for their sake. I just finished reading First Person Plural and I swear it changed my life... hearing the story of another system that suffered through hell and still got through it, together, was moving beyond words.

All right, now this journal has been nothing but an avalanche of data, and it's already after 2AM so I think it's time to call it quits. (Also, yes, there really are 6000 words in this entry. Aranea would be proud.)


Let me end it on the brightest note possible. It's something you may not expect.

Today, in church, I realized why my White self has a rainbow halo.
It's the lights of the Spectrum, shining and divine, around my head.
I noticed that the Red light was just as bright as the rest.
I reached into it.
And I saw redemption.

The lost ones will be brought home.




When you've been hurt so many times it's enough to make you blind
To anything that feels like true happiness
Nobody wants to be the foolish one but after all is said and done
You constantly settle for less
It's like a broken carousel, it just goes round & round & round
But now it's time you admit you've lost ground
Hear that sound?

The truth is sweet
Just like a baby's kiss, the truth is sweet

Go on admit it, you know you want it to be true
Go on admit it, you say you don't but you know you do
Go on admit it, you've been disguising what you feel
You could be living in a fantasy
But then that fantasy could turn out to be real

Sweet and true like my love for you

And everybody in the world's gonna wake up some day
Singing love is the answer, love is the answer
What's left to say?