the spectrum heart cathedral system

VERY triggering discussion here. please be careful.


 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE
GENESIS APOLYMIS LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SPINE HYPOMONE
LEON KIASI NATHANIEL VICTOIRE JULIE ENANTIOS


(PART ONE)


So, Laurie.

Hm?

We are now up to the 12th, which is when I was remembering old outspacer loves and somehow survived THREE hack attempts.

Which is absolutely bloody monumental, really. You didn't think you could do either of those things anymore, and then bam, this afternoon just happens
 
It really did!

Did we discuss this in here?

Uh, I'm not sure. Let me check... vaguely?

Eh, run it by them again.

Okay. Oh hey, that's actually important. So I was doing Hokthai research at the time, and so we decided to watch Tezuka's Metropolis that evening, and Xenophon actually stuck around to watch it with us, which was amazing. But... seeing her, with her names and her other father, watching that old favorite movie of mine... it made me miss so many other people I've known from media, like Bogardus and Grievous and Davy Jones, not to mention Ryman and Markus of course.

You need to bring Davy back in here.

I think I'd die.

Haha!

Seriously! He's an awesome guy but I just visit him now. I think bringing him into headspace would be way too stressful, in several ways.

Hey, about that. Isn't all that outspacer focus what made you start freaking out about the 23rd? With energy burnout and all that?

Yeah. Having more people around is great, but it can be overwhelming. I had finals at the time too, and I was still just getting out of the major painful learning period that was November, so I was fighting off tar hacks as well. Basically it was a huge energy strain on me and it began to tire me out, severely. I started realizing that on the 14th. Well, kind of.

Kind of?

I was just starting to seriously think about it online on the 14th. That's when I started to see Chaos incredibly clearly, and I began feeling this unexplained significance concerning our anniversary. Neither of those points faded in the slightest over the next nine days so that really put stress on me too. I knew the 23rd was going to be incredibly important but I didn't know why, and I was worrying too much over it and basically started freaking out.

No kidding.

Yeah, you know all about that. So I was really in love on the 14th, which was actually the day after we finished watching Metropolis, so Xenophon was a bit of an emotional mess...

That movie was so sad at the end though, with Tima! I told you about that, dad.

You did. That's actually what the next entry was about. That one was huge.

Was this the one before you went to that concert? Because I remember how torn up you were then.

It was.

The concert was so pretty though. I loved it.

It was. I needed that just as much as you did, at the time.

Jewel, talk about this entry, that one was vital.

All right. This one was on the 16th, after finals ended, and so now my mind was free to focus on headspace matters and there was a lot to focus on. I realized a few things. One, I was still downplaying, criticizing, masking, or ignoring my emotions.

Are you still doing that?

No, but the impetus is still there. It's an old problem but I'm trying to just ignore it though, because I know for a fact that it's not something I should pay attention to.

Good! That's my job then, making sure you stay away from that stuff. Check your facts!

Exactly! So that is being worked on and it's not bothering me at the moment. That... it only hit me after that one night Chaos picked up on it, though. When I refused to express anything.

That was the night he was sobbing, wasn't it. That hurt like hell.

I couldn't help it, Laurie. I feel everything he does like that.

I didn't say you could help it. I just said I couldn't help hurting either.

...

It forced me to stop doing that too. I was deeply shaken by that so it forced me to take a stand and start being honest with myself again. The second problem was my pain addiction, which we actually solved and fixed thanks to the 23rd...

We're getting to that, what's point three?

Me liking the 'ideas' of things more than the actual things? That usually focuses around possessions, but then it's an ego thing so I can actually conquer that easily and I have been doing that lately. But it was a big problem in the past when I didn't recognize what it was and kept making bad decisions because of it.

Why'd you bring it up then?

Two very different reminders. One, I bought a fandom-based book and calendar, and immediately had to wonder if I had done so only as an act of gratitude and thanks, and if I had even wanted the things at all.

Did you?

Yeah, actually. I do need a new calendar, and I got the book because that fandom has inspired me significantly and I cannot downplay its significance with any sincerity. So that was valid, but the worry was there.

What was the other reminder?

Melody talking about relationships, actually. She kept saying I was 'too far away,' and it made me realize that I often like being far away, because with the butterfly problem I mentioned earlier, that can make me actually care for them more genuinely than when they're close?

How so?

Because then they aren't labeled. They are their own people and I am not involved when I'm far away. It's like... it's like that girl I love, Jena. I've never met her, I've spoken to her once, and she is one of my biggest inspirations. And yet I don't mind being so far away. I love the fact that she has her own life, and all I want, ever , is for her to be happy. Same with Alexandria, who I've loved since elementary school for heaven's sake. So when people want to get closer to me, I worry, because then it feels like it becomes 'possessive.' When people get close they stop being free, when they get involved with me directly. And that scares me somehow?

Well, you're doing fine with Chaos. And me. And Genesis.

I get the point, yeah. So I'm not sure what the disconnect is there? But it is a problem I'd like to solve. I do need to be more grounded there in any case. I just don't want to be treating people far too carelessly because I'm afraid of becoming attached. I'm not attached to you guys, so why am I worried about that happening in the future?

Who knows? Maybe you're just worrying too much. But we'll discuss that later too.

What else are we discussing later?

A few things. We'll review those if we have time, but really Jewel, it's getting late and I'm more concerned about wrapping up tonight. Everything else can wait, that's secondary.

All right. Where are we now?

You tell me, kid.

Oh. Sorry. We are... at point 4, from the 16th, which is simply me stating that Chaos and I hadn't connected in months, and with us having to do that on the 23rd, I realized that the lack of it was actually causing all the other problems I was dealing with at the time. That actually gave a better insight to part of point 3, Laurie.

Was that the naivete thing?

Yeah, it was!

Tell me about it.

I was looking for innocence and hope and things where they couldn't be found.

We discussed this. I know for a fact that we did.

Here?

Yeah. Go look, I swear we talked about this before. Infinite hope, remember?

Oh, hey, we did.

And the emotion masking was you feeling guilty for wanting to be with him, God knows why, and the pain addiction was you unconsciously trying to find something as overwhelming as a connection and failing.

Yeah.

There we go, those are solved. Was there a point 5? You mentioned Xenophon.

Yeah, that tied into Metropolis. She said I was doubting who I was too much.

You do do that, dad. You shouldn't.

I know.

Once again, do you believe it?

Yes, I do.

Then why do you do it?

I actually don't know.

Sounds like my job description! I'm going to help you with this, you know.

Good, I like having you around.

You do?

Yeah, I really do! Same with Leon, dude, you need to stick around, you're awesome.

T-thank you.

So yes, that was point 5, and once again that was another motivation because I didn't want to unconsciously hurt Xenophon or anyone else through doubting myself. And... ironically, there was a wildcard.

Hey Joe, what do you know.

Exactly.

I do believe we figured this topic out too.

We did. But that caused me so much pain at that time, you wouldn't believe it.

I believe it. I saw it, firsthand.

I guess you did. Sorry.

No problem. I also saw you two fix that problem, not firsthand there though, that would have been taking this 'fangirling' business a bit too far.

What?

Injoke. Don't ask.

I won't, I'm slowly learning you guys are too weird to comprehend sometimes.

Hahaha.

By the way, Laurie, I'm still listening to that Daley song.

So I heard! How many plays now?

No idea, I have the pitch lowered on Wavepad so it's not scrobbling.

Shame, that would have been funny to count.

Let's just say approximately 62 times, right?

Well of course!

Which song is this, by the way?

Spent.

I like it.

Good, I'm going to be listening to it for the rest of the night.

Speaking of nights. That "wildcard" problem, you two fixed that, right?

You do remember what I said to him last night? It's fixed.

Even after that near-hack this week?

Even after that. Totally fixed, Laurie.

All right, make sure, because that's some dangerous stuff right there.

I know.

That commission I bought from Dare is helping so much it hurts.

We're not at that topic yet, kid. What's the next entry?

The 21st.

Geez, what did you talk about then?

Basically, I was freaking out.

Yeah, no kidding.

I got really emotional. I kept remembering 2005, and 2008, and 2011 of course. And then everything I wrote in there, we all discussed in our past three entries or so.

That we did. So we're at the 23rd now?

Essentially.

Finally.

Why, is it fangirling time?

You know it, Lynne.

Laurie, come on. What do you want us to talk about?

Whatever the heck happened after you two left the room last Friday.

You heard about that, Laurie, I told you.

You told me vague details.

I told you everything I could, love. What else do you want to know?

I dunno. I'm just curious is all.

About what?

About the whole freakin' thing. If Jewel was right in saying that 21 entire years led up to two hours, I want to know what in the world they did.

You want to know what we did that made you feel what you did.

...Basically.

What's this now?

Stuff. Just stuff.

Laurie.

Jewel effervesces a lot when he's fully centered. Those two were right on the money after that. No instability whatsoever. They were broadcasting love like a satellite. I want to know what the heck drove the meter up that astronomically high.

We connected four times?

Four times?

Didn't you hear about that?

No! How did you do that?

Very carefully.

No kidding, love. That was insane.

Seriously, how the heck did you two do that?

Jewel didn't know if we could pull off two, but we figured why not, and that was so incredibly weird that we just had to keep going.

Weird?

He felt like the freaking cosmos , is what I mean by weird.

What do you think you felt like, Chaos? Seriously, I've drowned in you before but wow.

We got new soul forms, by the way.

So I heard.

Did you?

Yeah, they're amazing. I haven't hit mine in over a year, actually, so that was incredible.

I could see your eyes. That was incredible.

It was.

See them?

Yeah. Somehow, I could clearly see the color of his eyes, even across realities. It was almost incomprehensible. I saw them again last night too.

What were you two doing last night?

Heheh. Living up to commissions is what.

Dude, wait, that is seriously personal material and we're still on the 23rd.

How is that worse than the 23rd?

You'd be surprised. Spine, you're not talking.

That's okay, isn't it?

I guess. I just like hearing you talk too.

I have nothing to say though. I am here to catch up.

See, that's the problem with waiting three bloody months before recapping. No one knows what the heck is going on and I end up being the only one talking.

I'm doing a lot of talking, Laurie.

I mean besides you.

Well you are the closest person to him besides me.

That used to be me, you know.

Used to be Ryman before I got this far. You're still right up here on our level, Genesis, don't worry.

Speaking of, the 24th still hasn't happened!

What do you mean it hasn't happened?

Nope, sorry Gen, we're not there yet either.

Oh come on!

Hey, other stuff happened on the 23rd, remember? And Chaos, you shut your mouth, that is confidential.

Yeah, that would ruin your reputation, haha.

Shut the front door, seriously.

Laurie, you keep way too many secrets.

So I do. Jewel.

What?

Explain to me how in heaven you got so high up there.

Besides connecting four times within two hours?

Kid, you were walking through walls and you know what I mean. How the heck were you doing that? What in heaven happened exactly, that got you to that point?

I just... felt absolutely right , I guess. Remember how we said we thought the 23rd was going to 'set everything right' for the new year? Well, I think it did. Even if I'm having a tough time today. That set the stage, perfectly.

Did it really fix the past, do you think?

Definitely. The shadows we're fighting got a lot darker, but actually that's a good sign that we're on the right track, seeing how that's happened before in similar situations.

I'm so bloody sick of these shadows though.

So am I, but they're there for me to fight. I know, without a doubt, that this is testing my strength to make sure I can hold on to all that I've learned under dark situations. I haven't passed that test yet. I need to. This new year... it's going to be one heck of an adventure, I'll tell you that right now.

Obviously.

So about the 24th?

What about it?

What if that was the second half of it? Maybe we were supposed to do that and didn't. Maybe that would have helped you today.

Dude, you just want that to happen.

Well of course I do. Do you?

...

What was supposed to happen on the 24th?

Honesty is what. Total bleeding honesty.

Maybe we'll do that tomorrow. I'll do everything I can.

You'd better, after last night.

Can we get to that already? You're making me impatient.

Why, what the heck do you want to know?

I'm just curious about all this! You keep talking around it and it's getting me curious. It's all kind of enthralling.

Enthralling.

Yeah. You guys have so much going on and I can kinda see why you're obsessed with those two, Laurie. They're an interesting couple. 

You're preaching to the choir, Jo.

But the 23rd was awesome. Awesome beyond words, that is.

Fantastic Plastic Machine!

Ironically, didn't we talk quite a bit during that?

Not much, compared to how much we didn't. I think you're confusing feelings with words.

Maybe. And when we talked it was mostly about what we were feeling, too.

Exactly.

Is that what you were broadcasting?

What do you mean, 'broadcasting?'

Dude, you two were legit high on love for like two days after that. The two hours immediately afterwards were absolutely insane in that respect. I just want to know what you did to get that high up there, like I said.

Why?

I just want to know. It's seriously mind-boggling how you people do that.

Well, we fell in love eight years ago, and on the 23rd we fell into that entirely.

That's a wonderfully simple way of putting it.

It's true though.

So yes, that was the 23rd. That enough info for everyone, or can we move on?

I got wings, dad, remember?

Oh yeah, you did!

She got wings? Where?

On my back, look!

Whoa.

See? My dads gave them to me after that thing they did together. What's it called?

A connection.

Connecting, yeah. Then they came over to me and I got wings from it! They're still really small and fadey but they'll get cooler in time. Just like my arms and legs! I didn't have those at all for a while. Or wings.

How in the world did you give her wings?

Our energy just resonated with hers, I guess. I mean we are her ectobiological parents.

Plus, like I said, you two were absolutely connection-high.

You're jealous.

I'm just pointing out the obvious!

Chill out, Laurie, he's just teasing you.

Geez.

But yeah, Lynne, I think that's all it was. I was wondering if she was going to get anything from our connection, because she is linked to us both, and then I remembered how she still has that fluffy sort of light ball on her back. So I just touched it, and it kind of bloomed into wings right there.

Wow.

Lynne, you seem surprised!

I am! That is really cool. Congratulations, you three.

Three?

Well yeah. Jewel, Chaos, and Xenophon.

They weren't the only people involved in that event, you do know that.

I was too!

Then why haven't you said anything?

I have, I've been asking about the 24th not happening this whole time.

But you were involved on the 23rd?

Well not that way, but I did kiss both of them afterwards, which was awesome.

Both of them?

Yeah, both of them, why not?

We're basically "friendmates" by now, you know. That's red enough.

Oh come on, Chaos.

It's true!

Yeah, you two have this amazing bromance going on no matter how you look at it.

I won't argue with that.

Hey, what about...?

Confidential, you heard the lady.

Did you just call me a lady?

Why, is that a problem?

It's weird is what it is.

Fine, Genesis, you heard the gender-neutral psycho over there.

Superego.

Correction, superego.

I keep Jewel from going psycho.

Well, we are "friendmates".....

Don't even go there, kiddo.

But it's true!

I told you these guys are enthralling.

Haha!

All right, seriously, can we move on? Genesis, hold on about the 24th, we'll discuss all of that after this. Jewel, did you have anything written for Christmas or what?

Yeah, Christmas was awesome. By the way the 23rd was also when I commissioned Dare to draw that picture of us, CZ.

Seriously? That night?

Yeah, that night. I couldn't not do that.

You're awesome. I love you.

I love you too, seriously!

So. Christmas.

Sure, go on and interrupt us, Laur.

Hey, you remember what happened last time, when I let you two just keep talking.

She has a point!

She does.

Jewel?

Right, the 25th. Wait, did I mention the key?

The key?

Oh! Was that the Razia's Shadow thing?

Yeah! That was our fourth connection, which was insane.

Wait, what's this now?

My fourth connection with Chaos, which was the last one we could really handle, felt like a key? It was weird.

Explain this please.

It felt like it unlocked something in us both, that had never been opened before. But it was so odd because I physically felt it, in this reality, like my heart clicked into place or something. It was... it was just incredible, at the expense of reusing that word.

Hey, whatever works. But how does this tie into Razia's Shadow again?

"Their true love will be strong enough, to erase the wrong we've done. The dark and light will become one."

If you switch the punctuation it works the same way, actually.

...Yeah, that does make a lot of sense. But how does that involve keys?

Oh yeah. The verse before that said "So take heed of this prophecy. Lifetimes from now there will be two chosen, bound to meet. In her lock he'll turn the key," and of course you have to change the pronouns there but honestly the point still stands.

Go figure. That is some awesome relevance right there.

Dad I still haven't heard this musical and I need to!

She hasn't heard Razia's Shadow yet? Blasphemy!

We're working on it, man! The only reason we all heard it all the way through was because I first listened to it when I thought I was dying, remember.

That was the meds fallout of 2010, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was hell.

I remember that way too bloody clearly. But yeah, that musical carried you through surprisingly well.

We all had parts in it, it was great. Spine, you even got to be Dumaya!

I was Dumaya. It was fun.

Strangely, she has kept that voice.

Dude, yeah, even in Soul Calibur! Spine you need to talk like that more often, you do know that?

I would but it is difficult.

Well work on it, it's honestly hilarious.

Ryman and Markus had awesome roles too. Toba and Barayas.

I got to be Ahrima!

And Adakias, bro.

Haha, yeah.

We are slowly drifting off topic, guys.

That we are. Thanks for pointing that out.

No problem. We're still at the 25th, right?

Didn't even start it yet.

Right. Well, unfortunately, that morning I had a dream hack.

On Christmas? Geez.

Yeah, but I refused to let it get to me. It upset me a little that morning, but I did learn a good lesson from it, symbolically, and the rest of the day was absolutely phenomenal.

Symbolically?

It was a very indirect hack. I did some dream symbol research and it actually had some good advice to give. So that worked out for the best. Laurie, can I just skim over Christmas because I'm getting tired.

You serious?

A little.

Need to take a break?

I hope not. I'll let you know if it gets worse though.

Make sure. I don't want you burning out.

Neither do I.

I don't think any of us do.

Exactly. So, what, if anything, did you want to say about Christmas?

Just a few things. One, Dare drew Xennie for me as a bonus for my commission, which I promptly gave to her as a Christmas present.

Was that the picture you put on my wall dad?

It was.

I love that! Tell her thank you for me please.

Haha, I'm definitely going to have to! But yeah, Laurie was right in saying I was connection-high for a few days. I was just blissed out all day on the 25th. Oh, and my mom bought me one of those soul paintings from the expo, did you guys hear about that?

No, what was that?

Man, that's pretty convoluted, but basically there was a woman at the expo who said I had a great purpose to fulfill and she was honored to meet me? But she did these soul paintings as she had psychic abilities and was able to symbolically put what she saw in people into her work... anyway, my mother secretly bought one for me and she gave it to me for Christmas.

That's awesome.

Even more awesome is the fact that it's the same color as Chaos, am I right?

You are absolutely right.

It's blue?

It's a dark aqua-blue. It's the color of him in the "I'm Loved" picture Kiwi drew for me in 2009.

You're loved too, you know.

I'd never even question that, CZ. I know.

Maybe that's part of what she was getting at?

Maybe. I'm going to call her about it this week, so I'll find out. But that was the highlight of Christmas. Oh! And I saw my boss, but he was upset about the dream hack in light of the 23rd. Laurie, did you manage to talk him down?

Talk him down? How bad was he?

Pretty bad.

He was looking to punch things.

He was tired. I have never seen him look tired before.

He was looking for whatever the hell hurt you. He couldn't find it. I told him it was probably our resident tar demon, but that didn't calm his nerves too much. I promised him I'd keep an eye out though.

Geez. I really need to talk to him in person again soon.

You do.

But... that makes me feel really bad now. I was hacked again yesterday, I think.

That was on the 29th, kid.

Was it really?

Yeah, it was really, you had a bloody breakdown in the kitchen and actually started crying because your grandmother refused to respect your triggers again and kept setting them off. You know, that's probably why you're a total mess today. Your mother took you out for errands that afternoon and distracted you from coping, and you didn't get any psychological closure or anything. So you lapsed back immediately and now you just have to get over this turmoil and not let it rule you. Okay?

That makes sense. I think that will help me deal with this, actually. Thank you.

You're welcome. That's why I'm here.

Did I mention I got District 9 for Christmas? Finally? We need to watch that together now.

We do. Our headspace movie nights are pretty awesome, actually.

AI was so sad though.

Sad but amazing. That helped me so much with my series it was incredible. And... in a weird way it was personally inspiring for me, too.

No kidding. You started sobbing when Joe died.

It hurt too much at that point. I was an absolute mess from then right up until the credits rolled.

I'd watch it again, though. I liked it a whole lot.

We all did. Your dads keep quoting it, too.

Hey, that's my favorite injoke right now, of course I'm going to quote it.

My favorite injoke is currently the crispy snack crackers.

Hee hee!

Yeah, that one is Xenophon's. And mine is still the postcard bit. Which you still owe me.

I swear, Laurie, with my drawing class this semester? First free time I get there, I am drawing that for you.

Good. January 16th is your deadline.

Oh dude, that would be perfect. I am doing this now, for sure.

Haha!

Seriously, are we up to date now? With the recap?

Almost. There was an update on the 27th about "not taking myself seriously enough."

Explain?

That was... oh. Chaos, that was when I... when you couldn't reach me.

Oh.

I remember this now.

He couldn't reach you?

It was September all over again. I tried to talk to him, but he wasn't there. I looked in his eyes and he wasn't there. It hurt. It was terrifying.

Sounds like your fourth incident in reverse.

...

Sorry.

No, it's true, I guess.

I don't know how in the world I fell so far. It was terrifying.

I know how. You really weren't taking yourself seriously enough. You were trying to live up to someone else's life, weren't you? Someone whose life had absolutely nothing to do with yours, and who you shouldn't have been associating with at the time anyway.

...Yeah. I forgot that she was dangerous. I cared about her too much.

I know. Thank God Julie isn't dangerous anymore.

...There's someone like I used to be?

No, heck no. There's just someone who is rather similar to the old you, except not maliciously, and Jewel should not be anywhere near them right now and yet he was, because he forgot how they had hurt him in the past.

Unintentionally!

Still hurt, still wounded. You need to keep your boundaries up, kid. You need to respect yourself.

Do you think it's apathy? Or self-hatred?

What?

The reason why this keeps happening. There's something underneath the surface, besides my hope and forgiveness. There's something dark, I think.

Personally? I think it's the perfectionist problem again. Why were you trying to live up to what she was?

I just... I forgot that her life doesn't apply to me.

Why?

I don't know.

Then maybe some part of you still doesn't believe that you have your own exceptional path to follow. Be careful.

But Laurie, Chaos couldn't reach me. He was in pain and he was trying to talk to me and I couldn't hear him. I... I was there in form but not in spirit. What in the world happened?

...I don't know. The heck do you mean, he was in pain?

I was. Whatever was going on, it was going too far. I honestly think I got lucky in getting through to him.

You reminded some part of my heart of 2003.

...

What did he do?

He told me to stop, flat-out, as close as he could. An indirect "what are you doing?" And it snapped me to my senses, and I was scared out of my mind, and then you remember what a mess all of us were afterwards.

No kidding, I was furious. Chaos was freaking out just as badly.

And then we got Menchou back in here.

Is she the dog girl?

She's the dog girl. I haven't seen Veradenne but I think Menchou is just flying solo right now so as to not overload me. I'll have to ask about her.

But she is around. Menchou, I mean.

Yeah, is she becoming permanent up here or what?

That's your call, kid. Talk to her about it, not me.

All right.

Why is Menchou up here now?

She's able to ghost, very limitedly, but she can access locked-out spaces that no one else up here has been able to access, ever, thanks to traumatic hacks in my past. So if stuff gets bad and Laurie can't mentally reach me, Menchou can actually ghost in and help me out almost directly. Which has already helped me once already, at least in keeping stable. I've been meticulous with triggers lately, as my Tumblr feed got lethal again so I had to unfollow without mercy, so to speak. It helped.

That's good.

Why do you follow these people if they trigger you?

Because they didn't post triggering things when I followed them, and they don't see those things as problematic. So I just have to quietly click the 'unfollow' button and be on my way. My mental stability is more important than what's on my dashboard, in every case.

True.

So that was the 27th. I just need to be vigilant about that, I think.

You do.

And then... on the 29th there was another dream hack, and this time it threw me so far off center I immediately started writing about it. That entry is full of pain.

What was it about?

That's when I realized that I was having these dark things thrown at me to see if I could stand strong in spite of them. I had been doing spiritual research over the past few days, remember Laurie?

Yeah.

And I read an article that triggered me horrifically, unintentionally of course, and I was just so sick and tired of it by that point that I just started ranting about it. Actually, that helped a lot, because it burned away my self-doubt and made me realize that yeah, I really was on the right track, even though it was a very different track than the ones people kept trying to lead me towards, and that article actually proved it to me despite the triggering.

Did it really?

It really did. Thanks to the 23rd, again. That was just so undeniably true that I actually refused to let doubt creep at me concerning what I was being led to believe anymore. I know I'm being vague, but like I said, I'm tired of this topic.

I don't blame you.

But yeah, I was incredibly unstable on the 29th. As usual, though, it forced me to realize a deeper problem. That's when I understood that I've been 'taking shortcuts' in solving this problem in the past, because yes I'm tired of it, but it also scares me to death. So when I'm trying to fix it, I still want to get away from it as fast as possible, and I rush through the job. With the dream hacks returning, I need to review what I've done so far, and figure out what our next step is without putting myself in danger or compromising whatsoever. Even if that's just being vigilant.

That might be all you can do right now, yeah. With what you figured out about it that morning, you should have an easier time with that now. I'm just concerned about how sensitive you are to it right now. Nat was right, you've been an absolute mess today. And speaking of Natalie, you haven't said a word since I yelled at you, are you really okay?

Yeah. Just trying to center myself too.

Smart move. Jewel, you still tired?

Yeah, it's late.

Let's wrap this topic up then. What happened yesterday?

Well, my mom distracting me from my pain was good because it calmed me down enough to actually work on Dream World yesterday. I think Xenophon spent most of yesterday with me too, because she was worried about me.

I did! It was fun. And I was worried about you. I still am.

Geez, she's still up too. You okay?

Yeah, just tired! But I wanna see the new year thing. Then I'll go to bed.

Same here, love. The things we do for special occasions, seriously.

Yeah, no kidding. So, yesterday.

Yesterday was great. I finally figured out what I need to do to make my typing work easier, I spent nearly the whole day listening to new music which was lovely, and I found out that Xenophon loves clementines.

I do!! They're so good they're delicious! And you promised you were making me that kale soup, you need to do that.

I will, as soon as possible. I find it hilarious how you and Genesis are both addicted to the first food you ever ate, though.

Butterscotch ice cream over here.

What's that?

You don't know what that is ?? Jewel, this needs to be fixed!!

Haha, I'll fix it in the summertime!

Is it good?

It's good but I can't eat it. But that's okay, Genesis introduced you to eggnog the other day, and that was amazing.

Is this where the new drinking contest joke came from?

Yeah, I was helping my mum with shopping, and Genesis just grabbed a carton off the shelf and started chugging it down, it was absolutely hilarious.

It's good stuff, Jewel!

You drank a whole carton of eggnog! Right in the middle of the dairy section! And no one had a clue. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

That sounds brilliant, you're right.

And how does this tie into a drinking contest?

Because Chaos is the king of champagne, and the thought of those two getting utterly smashed is pretty hilarious.

Can you two even get legitimately drunk?

Let's find out.

Not now, dude, seriously.

I'm kidding, love.

Hey, back to last night, kid.

Yeah, you've been leading up to this the whole time, I want to hear about this.

...I... don't know if I can talk about it.

What happened?

Are you okay?

Yeah I'm okay, I'm just...

Fragile.

...Exactly. You know how I bought that one commission on the 23rd? Of Chaos and I?

Yeah.

Apparently, innocently close things can drive me off the deep end a lot faster than even a connection buildup can.

You're serious.

Totally serious, you should've seen him.

Chaos, really.

Just trying to lighten the mood is all.

Yeah, Jewel, that hit you hard .

It was close. Close things get me point blank and I can't take them sometimes.

Dad, was this after the concert too?

What?

I remember you saying, before you connected, that you thought you were going to break if you got too close? Did that happen?

Almost.

That was an 'almost?'

I don't know. Yeah, it was. A full break would have ended with me sobbing like an idiot, probably.

And this is a positive thing?

Overwhelmingly so.

What happened?

...

Jewel is apparently really sensitive at certain points.

Was that a pun, Laurie?

Very much so.

If you get me there I think I'll die. I'm serious.

Why me? Kid, Chaos has experience and better rights than I do on that level.

Yeah, but remember what we said when you found your metainomen.

...What about it?

How in the world did you get this far, this fast? And you're at a different level overall. With this sort of thing, I think that actually makes Jewel more fragile around you.

I don't know. I don't think I'd let her get so close right now. Chaos, you are emotionally killing me with that and even thinking about it is driving me to tears, I'm sorry.

...Is this something you guys can talk about?

I don't know.

I... I just break, when people get too close.

But you had a connection. A connection . And this apparently didn't happen.

This was different, ironically. I can handle powerful, total things like that better than I can handle the quiet, small things. A lot better.

You can take a brick to the face but one touch will completely unravel you.

I can take a freight train to the heart but...

Yeah.

...

What's this about?

Why're you asking? We're trying to explain.

No, I... I'm worried? He's in a lot of pain, and I just... don't understand why.

Leon, hear me out, man. It's pressure points. Weak spots. You can hit a dartboard as much as you want, completely cover it with arrows, but it doesn't really hit hard until you get a bullseye. I'm a dartboard right now, and Chaos has really freaking good aim.

What's he hitting?

My heart, really. And this is getting me bad. Am I really unraveling, Laurie?

Yep.

 I-- I need to pull myself together.

Dad?

Your dad is a bit of an emotional mess at the moment, kid. Don't worry, this isn't negative. He's just fragile.

This isn't a bad thing. Why do I fall apart so easily?

Because you're so sensitive. You don't have any walls up at all.

And that's not bad?

Not here. Here, that's amazing. You're the strongest person I know because of that.

Then why am I falling apart?

Life and death, maybe.

...

You told me you look like a taijitu inside, didn't you.

I do. We do.

Don't you love symbolism?

Yeah, but we already discussed that.

No, I mean more abstract symbolism. Broader meanings. Aren't you obsessed with the little things? Tiny little details, that you'd never notice unless everything else was quiet and you just looked, in total honesty. Blood and sunlight.

...Don't bring that up now.

I'm bringing it up now, kid. You remember what the end of January 16th was like? Just like this. You fell apart.

...

And that was not a bad thing.

I'm not saying it is. Then... why am I worried?

No walls, kid. No boundaries, no spikes at all. You're completely open here. And you're freaking out a little because even you don't realize how vulnerable you are like this. But you still let people in. And then you feel too much.

And it scares me.

Why?

I feel so much .

From Chaos?

Obviously. And that's why this simple little commission is driving him up the wall.

Why? What did she draw?

Closeness. Honest closeness is all, and Jewel almost forgot what that felt like.

The last time I felt something like that was July 7th. And maybe... maybe October 12th. With you.

...

...Laurie?

Sup?

What's going on with you two?

Stuff. Just stuff is all.

You're being infuriatingly vague, Laur.

Infuriatingly? That's a strong word.

We've all been asking you about this for months, and you refuse to open up to us. I respect the fact that you have secrets, but now you're kind of lying to our faces here.

Lying by omission doesn't count. Doc Scratch said so.

I think you're just as nervous as he is.

And what if I was?

...How involved are you in this?

In what?

With those two.

Genesis still has several steps ahead of me.

How many?

I wouldn't know, kid.

Jewel?

Yeah?

How close is Laurie to Genesis' position? Concerning you?

Like placement? In terms of what?

In terms of how close you let them get to you.

Well that's very arbitrary. Laurie is ahead of Genesis on some levels, and behind him on others.

Hm.

Lynne, why are you asking about this?

I'm just curious is all. Just curious.

Why?

You don't talk to us about this. And frankly I'd like to know about it.

Why the heck is that any of your business?

Why the heck wouldn't it be? I worry about you too. We're practically sisters, as weird as that might sound to you. And you don't say a word to me about 90 percent of your personal life. All I know of you comes from your axe-swinging days, and these conversations. You're an enigma to all of us outside of hearsay. And considering that you're one of the most important people in Jewel's life, and the absolute top-ranking guardian up here, that's a little disconcerting.

Because I'm secretive? Geez, don't ever get involved in politics, then.

I'm serious, Laurie. You yell at everyone else to open up, to 'chill out,' to stop fighting and causing trouble. But you don't say a word when we ask you about things like this.

Totally different context, Lynne.

Not really. We're open with you. If we're upset, or concerned, we tell you. We express that. You lock everything up, and no one knows how to deal with you, or even approach you sometimes. No one except Jewel. And that's why I'm asking.

Lynne, I've been protecting the guy for years. Since he was sixteen. That's my life.

Is he your life?

Basically. If you want to put it that way.

Was that a pun?

Take a guess.

...

Laurie, really.

The heck do you want now, Jo.

I've seen more of you personality-wise than Lynne has. You remember last year.

Yeah, and what about it?

You are secretive.

So what? Why is everyone jumping on me about this topic? Why can't any of you ask me about something else? If I'm so bloody secretive I'm sure I have a heck of a lot of secrets tucked away somewhere in the enigmatic shadowy corners of my mind, why don't you ask about those?

Because they all tie back to him.

...

They do, and that's why we're jumping on this topic. No matter how many secrets you may have, you can't deny that sooner or later they all involve Jewel. And the ones you hide the most doggedly, are directly concerned with him. What's going on?

Were you here for the 14th? Of September?

I was.

I know you were, yeah. Did you even hear about that, Lynne?

About Xenophon? Vaguely, I learned the details naturally after that went down.

Then maybe you heard that those two are the only bloody reason I'm here .

That's... that's how it is for all of us, though, we work to protect him--

No, I mean literally. You remember that date we keep referring to? December 23rd? Apparently when that first happened in 2005, it set the stage for this violet-haired maniac to steal the show. I stepped into this world that September, behind the guise of a watery mirror and in the middle of a dream. I didn't even know him, he had no idea who the heck I was. But even then, I knew he was important to me somehow. I told him to wake up. And the past six years have been him doing just that.

...What are you?

Honestly? I don't know. Julie's in the same boat. We were both formed by that red-haired lunatic over there, the one with chaos in his heart, literally and figuratively. Whether he realized it or not, he's the reason Julie and I are even breathing right now. The other five of you are typical headvoices, if there even is such a thing. You were all brought into being more indirectly. Julie and I were pretty bloody specific. We call ourselves headvoices, sure, and for all intents and purposes we are, but we're here for different reasons than you guys are. Julie was here to be the dark, to be the driving force behind our determination, to balance his shadows. I was here to be his knight, to be the driving force carrying him through that hell, to get him balanced himself.

Do you mean 'light?'

Maybe. Ask him.

You're both things to me.

There you go.

So... you're saying he's your life in a job sense after all.

Only partly. We've discussed that.

And the other part is what you won't tell us.

Why should I?

Because honestly Laurie? I want to know. I'm sick of you being such a... a shadow, almost.

A shadow?

You're insubstantial. We can see the general idea of who you are, but that's about it. You're still mostly a mystery, and you're unreachable.

That's a pretty bloody interesting term you used though.

You were dark, back when you first met him.

I needed to be. He asked me to be. It helped. I wasn't a damned shadow.

But you never let go of that darkness you still had, not completely.

Yeah, well maybe I needed it.

To do what?

To protect him. I needed an edge to fight the demons I had to face. I still do. We're getting off topic.

Does your absolute secrecy play into that too?

Into what?

Into needing to protect him?

...It used to.

Not anymore?

I don't know.

So what's holding you back?

From what?

From telling us about yourself.

Because it's not that bloody simple. You said it yourself, everything ends up tying back into the anomaly over here.

So that is true.

Of course it's true. That's obvious.

So you expect us to deduce everything about you from what little we can see? It's not working, Laurie. You've been up here 5 years and we know almost nothing about you, not truthfully. I think it's time to change that, considering that the year itself just did.

...What the blood do you want to know.

What everything else seems to be springing from. What is it with you and Jewel.

I'm his superego, his psycho guardian angel. I protect him.

Besides that.

What 'besides that?'

Jewel brought up October 12th. You refuse to talk about it. What happened? And don't say 'stuff,' honestly Laurie.

...

Laurie, I want an answer. What is he to you.

Everything.

Really?

Yeah, really. What, you couldn't tell?

Laurie-- really, you are absolutely infuriating.

Sorry.

I can't read you. None of us can read you. Maybe those two can, but that's because you've obviously decided to open up to them and them alone. Is that only because you're 'protecting them?' Aren't you protecting us too?

...Yeah.

So, talk to us.

I am talking to you.

Not just in general. Laurie, come on, let's get to the bottom of this. All I want to know is why you keep making exceptions for Jewel and refuse to even have civil conversation on a regular basis with any of us.

Exceptions?

Yeah, obviously. Your attitude is totally different around him. All I want to know is why. Truthfully.

...You're acting like I can just give you a simple answer.

Can't you?

No.

...What can you give us?

Not much. Not much at all.

Laurie, for the love of light--

What?? What the heck do you want from me already? You want to know what that kid means to me, fine. He's everything to me. I already said that, you aren't happy with it.

I don't... I don't know what that means to you. Or why. I'm just trying to figure out who you are.

...I didn't think I could trust any of you for years. Because of that damned tar thing. I didn't want to be used, I didn't want anything about me being used against him. And it worked, it really worked, the tar still won't touch me. But I'm fragile too, Lynne. I don't ever tell anyone. But Jewel is talking about October 12th and you're all missing the point that hey, maybe Laurie isn't the stone-cold thug we all assumed she is.

That's what I'm trying to say. We don't know that side of you. Only he does.

Maybe I don't trust you with it.

Why not?

...I told you. I'm a lot more fragile than I let on.

...How?

October bloody 12th. That's it, I'm done. Jewel, let's wrap this up.

...What were we building up to?

I don't even know. You were falling apart and then the same bloody thing happened to me.

Laurie?

Yeah?

Don't close off to them, please. They care about you too.

Not as much as you do.

...

That's what this is about, really. I don't know, maybe it's my own bloody fault for being so exclusive. But I don't... I still don't trust anyone but you two, well, three with Xenophon now... but I don't trust anyone but you guys with who I really am. Even a little bit. Man that feels weird to say.

What does?

'Who I really am.' Writing's on the wall, I guess. I really am a secretive coward.

...What would allow you to trust us, Laurie?

Hurts, doesn't it?

What?

Me not trusting you as much as you'd like. I know it hurts. I'm sorry for that. But you've got to understand. I act like the knight in shining armor here, but honestly, I need someone to save me too, sometimes.

...Laurie?

That's what this whole fiasco is about, there you go. There's the big secret. The battleaxe superego guardian up here needs someone to back her up too. Laurie needs someone to run to at the end of the day and she's never had the bloody guts to admit it until now. I act like the boss but I've been pretty freakin' lonely with these trust issues I've been dealing with. No one got close. Except you, kid. Against all odds you still actually dared to get close, despite the axes I'd swing at you, despite how I swore at you, despite the blood I spat at you-- I tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, for God's sake, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?

...

You really did save me, kid. Remember what I told you, almost four years ago now? I wanted to keep you from becoming me. I didn't want you turning into a pitiless scourge, like I was to you. I didn't ever want to see you darken enough to close everyone else out, to become so bloody one-sided that as soon as I stopped swearing and tried to be nice to you, you thought something was wrong. And then I don't know how the heck it happened, maybe you just wore down my edges, but I softened up. I started trusting you, a little at first, then a heck of a lot. I legitimately cared about you and stopped trying to convince myself it was only in the bloody job description. Did I talk about this before?

Not like this.

Good, then we are breaking ground. Speaking of breaking things, where the heck did all my walls go? Did you ever realize just how many I had up? No, not you, everyone else. Jewel never sees the walls, that's how he gets so bloody far, he just keeps walking even if everything is standing in his way. He doesn't give up hope. He didn't give up on me, or Julie, or Chaos, or anyone. But he doesn't realize just how powerful that hope is. He's a spark, an agent, a guide. He's a cause . He's the only reason I started to hope at all . And I didn't realize it, but the moment that happened, I lost a wall. Just one. One of my defenses fell away. You kept doing that, Jewel, and every once in a while I'd throw them all back up. Here's an iron stronghold for you to get through, scared you half to death. But it was too late. You knew what I looked like behind all that barbed wire. I forget when you first saw that. But you did.

I think it was 2008. That was the day you... it was after my therapists made me think they were going to try and kill you. You started to get really scared but you hid it, completely. Then it got too much and you started to crack, a little, around me. And one day you got mad at me and you slapped me across the face, but then I noticed that you were actually crying, and you hugged me. And then you left without a word.

I did.

And that was the first time you ever showed that you cared, at all.

And now look at me. That was the first wall. It's gone forever. But on the 23rd, you showed me that you don't worry about walls either way. You could care less if there was a seven nation army standing in your way. You loved me. You walked straight through that palisade. You would have walked through hell to get to me, to anyone, and the fact that my name is even on that blessed list means the world to me. It does.

When was this?

The 23rd, I told you. Right after they decided they'd spent enough time up there in heaven. They were radiating love like radio towers. I didn't even think I could pick up that channel. And then you looked at me like you did on the twelfth, and I remembered what that felt like, so in fear I put up those walls, I put up every single defense I've ever had... and you walked right through the bloody things. Right through them, as if they didn't even exist. How the heck did you do that?

I don't know.

No, you don't, and that's the most beautiful thing. You just do that sort of thing, completely naturally. The most paranoid man on earth would trust you. Heck, that might even be Leon. Leon, you trust him, right?

Y-yeah.

There you go. But I'm a close second, God knows, and yet I trust you with my life. I do. That's the absolute truth. You could ask me to die for you right now and I would do it. And so help me but I'm starting to want to do that for a heck of a lot of people, and it scares me that I'm feeling this much all of a sudden, and that's exactly what you're going through right now, isn't it?

It is.

An arrow straight through the heart. Both of us, this time.

...Well, who's shooting the arrows?

Lynne's the one with the bow, but I don't know if she's responsible for the deeper symbolic aspects of this phenomenon. That might tie into Gen's native world.

...How?

Xenophon. What's her role?

How does she tie into this?

How'd she get here? What do you and Chaos have, that allowed the 23rd to happen at all?

...

Love is what you have. Entirely. Absolutely. You run on it, Jewel. I've never met anyone like you. And I love you. I actually love you. And if you asked me, right now, to match Genesis on this level business, I'd say yes. I honestly would.

...Are you serious?

I'm dead serious, and don't you start crying on me, I'm close enough to breaking myself.

I- I can't . Laurie, you just...

You essentially freakin' proposed on the 12th, remember? We were joking about that for weeks. But all our injokes are serious on some level, aren't they.

...

And no, Chaos, don't freak out, I'm still too weirded out by the other half of the 23rd.

Well, it's a start.

Yeah, it is. That enough info for you, Lynne? You got me spilling my bleeding heart out here. Congratulations.

...Laurie, I didn't know.

No, you didn't. Nobody knew. That's the point. Jewel kept telling me, open the heck up, you can't be such a stone-hearted imbecile, except in much nicer language. You can't stay closed off forever. It's only going to hurt you. And yeah, it hurts like hell. I'm sick of this self-abuse. You want to talk to me? Go right ahead. I couldn't care less about fear right now. Good riddance, seriously. I'm done. The walls are gone, happy 2012, let's start this life over for heaven's sake. I'm tired of what I've been up to this point.

I'm not.

...You saw who I was behind all this bloody steel is why. I think it's about time I actually started trying to be that person.

Don't hurt yourself, Laurie.

What, is that a legit concern?

Yeah. Don't do what Jewel does. Don't throw yourself into danger without thinking of the cost to yourself.

Buddy, I've been doing that for a few years already, haven't I?

You know what I mean. Just don't be reckless. Think of him.

Please Laurie, be careful, I don't want you suffering like I have. Ever.

...

So that's it.

What's it? I said a heck of a lot back there.

No, I... can we talk about this later?

Yeah, I'd be glad to. But now who's being secretive?

Laurie, really. It's just that we've talked enough in here. Jewel needs sleep. I'd rather continue this after the session is closed.

Works for me. That work for you, Jewel?

Sure.

The 24th going to happen now or what?

Psh, I don't know, if you thought I was fragile before you should look at me now.

I am. You don't look too good.

I think I really am going to shatter. You, and Chaos, are just absolutely lighting me up right now and I can't handle all this voltage. I'm shining fit to break.

Like I said, the 16th of January didn't turn out so bad.

That was different, and you also said that. That was different. This is a whole new year, a new chance. A lot has happened since then. This is a whole different level, Laurie.

Is it?

You saw how I reacted to Chaos last night. I can't take this.

...

Jewel, about that.

What?

...That's not something to be freaking out about. We're all sensitive to certain things.

He's afraid of breaking though.

I am. It hurts. And I just... I love him, but dear God, do you even know what that feels like?

What?

For someone to be that close to you. So deliberately and... honestly, again. Like a rainbow in a raindrop. Like blood and sunlight. Like...

Like weary eyes upon my scars, huh.

The lyrics are different, but I like that better.

Figured you would.

I can't talk about this. It feels almost blasphemous, to be discussing something that... fragile.

Hey, Darian drew it.

That's still close. That's close enough to last night, to July 7th. It's close enough.

...

Jewel?

Yeah?

Sorry I'm not going to be able to finish this conversation.

What do you mean?

I promised you guys a recap. I think it's a little too late for that.

No, Laurie, if you promised them a talk, then talk. I can wait.

You sure?

Of course. Sorry for putting you under so much stress.

It's no problem. I think I needed that. Otherwise who knows how long I would have dodged your questions?

Heh, you have a point.

So are we leaving?

You guys can leave if you want, sure.

Laurie?

Huh?

Thank you.

For what?

For protecting him, and all of us. Thank you for that.

...Well heck, I didn't expect to hear that from you. You're welcome.

Thanks for letting me live, too.

I had already killed you once, skeleton boy. It wouldn't have been fair to do it twice.

Seriously, Laurie. I didn't think I'd make it. Thank you.

Is everyone going to be thanking me now? Is this the new way to ring in the new year? Everyone smother Laurie with thank yous until she thinks she's at the bloody Academy Awards?

Well, we do have reasons to thank you.

Apparently! The heck are you thanking me for?

Not killing me.

I could have.

But you didn't.

I tried, a heck of a lot of times.

But you didn't, still.

That's nothing to thank me for.

Then I'll thank you for giving me a second chance too. For actually... forgiving me. For letting me stick around now. That means a lot to me.

...Guess it does.

Thanks.

Not sure what to say to that, but... you're welcome, I guess. Jo, you going to thank me too or what?

I'll thank you for not being more of a pain in the butt than you already are, sure.

Hey!

Just busting ya. Thanks for letting me on the team. And... trusting me as much as you did last year.

...Yeah. Almost forgot about that.

I didn't. Chill out, okay?

Sure, fine.

...

Last in line, huh. What's the deal?

Thanks for yelling at me earlier?

Really?

Yeah. Guess I needed some sense knocked into me.

Hey, I do that to Jewel all the time, it's no problem. I've gotten good at it. But things can get pretty upsetting up here, so you had every reason to be angry.

Yeah but you didn't have to help me out with it, so thanks.

Geez, everyone is acting like I went out of my way to do all this stuff.

Which is exactly why we're thanking you. You didn't, did you?

Well no, not really.

You may be shadowy and enigmatic, but you've got a good heart, and we all know that even if we don't say so. We're just worried about you.

No reason to be worried, I'll manage.

Then we just care about you, too. How's that?

...Best late Christmas present I've got so far. Thanks.

I'll see you later, Laurie. Don't keep them up late.

Yeah, yeah, I won't.

...

So.

I'm speechless.

No kidding, I'm worn out. Jewel, how much do you want to talk about?

First, let's get my daughter to bed, because it's almost 2 in the morning.

Mmmokay dad. M'just tired.

That's the point, beautiful.

Your dad's right. You need sleep.

But I'm worried 'bout you too. n'Laurie.

We've got that stuff settled out for now, kid. You're half asleep.

Mmaybe.

Yes you are. Get to bed, kid.

Mph. I think you're gonna have to take me there dad.

Want me to walk her out?

Carry her out, please, I unfortunately can't leave this channel.

Sure. Be right back.

Love you dad. You too dad. And Laurie.

We know.

We love you just as much, kid.

There is a heck of a lot of love going around here.

No kidding? Did you mean what you said to Jewel?

What part? But yeah, I was being totally honest. That rarely happens in polite and pleasant company.

The part about saying yes if he had asked you to connect with him.

...Why in heaven's name wouldn't I mean that?

Geez, Laurie, that is serious is why.

How bloody serious? I'm the only one of our four-man band who hasn't done that yet, and God knows I would if that was offered.

Why?

Weren't you listening, waterboy? It ain't in my job description, although I've apparently penciled it in. Why do you do it?

...I... But that's not the same, we--

I'm not talking about details, geez. I'm talking about the heart of it, pun intended. Deep down it's the same bloody reason. And that's the entire point.

...You seriously feel this much?

What, does that shock you? S'alright, it shocked me too. Still does. But look at my life, for heavens sakes. Better yet, look at him. Same blessed thing.

...I just... never thought about it like that.

'Cause it's a different color than yours is why. Doesn't matter. It's still love. And I've still got depths to rival yours.

...

...Which, quite honestly, is terrifying. But I'm realizing that if I don't pour that stuff out, I'll drown. And not in a good way.

Heh, yeah.

Although for me it's more water than space, apparently.

...So you'd actually... asphyxiate. Geez, that's way too applicable for you.

No kidding, man! 

All right, I'm back. What'd I miss?

Not much. That was fast.

Not much, he says. Not listening to the stage whispers, he says.

Ssh!

Yeah, I teleported her over. She is really tired, it's kind of cute. So what's up, Laurie?

The heck do you think is up? I'm an emotional mess is what.

Are you gonna be okay?

Should be. Yeah. In time, at least.

...So.

So?

Plans for tomorrow?

Putting up my calendar, for one. 

Heh, there's something.

No, really, I mean for us. Are we really going to try to accomplish what we weren't able to on the 24th?

Yeah, I'd like that, if you couldn't tell.

About that. Genesis, Jewel was talking to me about this earlier.

...

He's a little nervous about bringing you into this.

Why?

Energy mismatch? Jewel, how'd you put it?

You're a little too exuberant sometimes, love. Just a little too straightforward. I've been breakable recently. I don't want you rushing into this when I wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally.

...Well you can just tell me that, that's okay.

We can't do it like we did in 2008 or so. Not like to Ferry Corsten. Now the music's different. Now we've got Dare-Gale playing for two hours while I get completely lost in the mind and heart of a demigod.

...

All connections are different though.

I don't know if anyone's even getting close to connecting tomorrow. Point is, I said we're all doing this together. This is October 12th times two. Plus one. And Laurie can tell you, that had a very specific kind of mood.

Yeah, Laurie, what happened on the 12th? You were still kind of vague about it.

I took my bandages off. I let Jewel get close. And I completely collapsed emotionally.

Really?

Really. He's too bloody innocent, it hurts to look into eyes like that when you're hardened like this. I'm still too brutal at heart. He's a softie.

No walls at all.

Not a single one. I felt almost guilty, letting this sparkling thing look at me like he did and I was still secretly terrified. But yeah, mood-wise it was very deep. Does that count as a mood for us?

I think it does. It's not sad, not exactly, just... emotionally charged. Deep, yeah, that fits.

There you go. Piano key moods. Catastrophes and sunshine.

Not blood and sunlight?

You only get that close to Chaos, and that's what makes you shatter. No, I'm talking about rifle recoil and Coldplay. Open seas and daylight.

...

Rainbows and waterfalls, couldn't live without.

Everything is beautiful.

That's yours.

Mine hasn't been used as a title yet.

Maybe we should title this one after his?

That would be ironic, I barely did anything in this conversation.

Well, he and I have been living life together a lot more, so it could work.

Maybe. Laurie, I'm just wondering what you mean by a deep mood for tomorrow though.

Genesis, I don't know if we've had something like that in a while. We're usually stupidly optimistic, and I love that, but... when was the last time we really just calmed down and kind of just were together? Honestly?

...I don't know. There's little bits of that here and there, but... nothing big in a while.

Because that's all that happened on the 12th. Chaos and I fall into that state naturally at this point. For Laurie it was hard, she barely managed. For you, I'm sure you can hit it, but... I don't know, I feel kind of bad asking you to stop being so bright and bubbly for a while.

I can do that.

It wasn't the 'bright and bubbly' part you were worried about, Jewel. It's the fact that he's a little too straightforward for you sometimes.

Am I?

You are.

Just a little. I mean I'm not reticent, at all, but I take things slowly. Carefully. The last time I was with you you literally just jumped in. It was a little overwhelming.

I can not do that, though. It's not a problem.

To not do that?

Sure.

Geez, I was afraid you'd be offended, thank you for not freaking out on me.

Why would I be offended?

I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting my perfectionist fear. I'd start panicking that maybe I was doing something wrong.

You've got to stop listening to that programming, Jewel. There are no "rules" like that up here, remember? If following some arbitrary rule made you afraid to be honest and open, I'd tell you to break the bloody thing.

Good point.

So are we doing this thing tomorrow or what?

Depends on how much sleep I get, guys. It's 2 in the morning.

Yeah, I know, but... I kind of miss just talking like this.

I do too.

...

Chaos?

Just thinking about last night is all.

Yeah, Jewel, you fell apart.

I'm fragile, Laurie. He puts me to music, I can't deal with that sometimes. You know what that feels like.

Yeah, but God, you really fell apart. Is it really that different from a connection?

What did he do?

I let Chaos get close to me, but not in a total way. Not absolute, here let's completely freaking soulmerge kind of close, but... quiet close?

Why can't you take that from other people?

Maybe it's my fire. I can do that to other people, I do that to Chaos a lot, but as soon as the tables are turned and people are looking at me like I look at them and treating me like I'm an expensive violin I really don't know how to handle it, and I shatter inside. I feel everything.

Like an expensive violin?

We put him to music, Laurie. I think it's a fitting metaphor.

More like a harp, I was thinking, with all the heartstrings he's got.

...

True.

What were you doing though?

I don't want to talk about it, it's too freaking intimate.

I repeat, Dare drew you two being that close.

I didn't expect her to. You see how I'm reacting now. For some reason I'm not used to that.

Don't get used to it, mister Estar, that's not the point.

What is, then?

The point is you wouldn't keep bringing this up if you weren't bothered by it. Are you afraid of feeling that much from him?

I'm afraid of feeling that much from something that delicate , period.

Delicate?

Jewel, have you ever talked about that one Wednesday morning online?

...

March 2nd. Go freaking figure, actually.

...No. I tried telling Q and Mel once, but... I don't think they understood.

Is that what's making you feel so bloody guilty talking about it now?

Maybe unconsciously.

Forget that then.

I am. Judgments or even a lack thereof don't matter.

Misinterpretations do.

...Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of with everything I do now.

Don't be. It doesn't change the truth of things. Ever.

I know.

Do you believe it?

Yes.

Good. That's important.

I know.

So what happened on the second?

...I... how do you summarize that?

I don't know if you can.

You freak out when people get that close. Why? Are you afraid of being hurt or what?

No, I... maybe I just don't feel like I should be feeling that. Like it's okay if everyone else in the world can experience that. I actually used to love watching other people do things like that. Laurie, maybe that's what you do. I'm just... so inspired, so moved, by seeing love move like that between two people, so sincerely, so completely innocently.

Yeah, that sounds like what I do.

Then why don't you feel like you're allowed to feel it? That makes no sense.

It can't be gender dysphoria, because you get this reaction up here too.

No, it's not dysphoria on any level, I don't think, but... maybe it's just my misplaced guilt drive again. My family has always been very defensive and secretive, in a bad way. When I was a kid I would hide just to write my stories, just to draw. I remember even throwing out my favorite stories after I wrote them, because the thought of my parents reading them was so distressing. If someone caught me being so honest, I felt guilty, almost dirty. They made close and intimate things seem so wrong , because everyone in my family was so distant and angry and no one was ever close or sensitive to anyone else. And because that was one of the deepest parts of my nature, I always felt like I had to hide myself, to lie about myself, to deny that side of myself. Maybe that's where a lot of my current problems come from. I've never thought about it that way before.

That's why you always look for childlike innocence even in the things that hurt you.

I see it. I don't just look for it, it's there when I do it, but...

But not for anyone else.

No. And I've... I've paid in blood for that.

I know.

And now you don't have to hide that anymore, and Chaos is perfectly willing to have that with you in the most honest way I have ever seen, and you're still terrified.

I know...

Why won't you let go of it?

Of what?

The feeling like it's wrong somehow, to feel so much from someone, like that. It's not. It can't be, by virtue of what it is .

...

Listen, if you calm down, I'll calm down. I'll try not to freak the heck out tomorrow or whenever we do whatever we're doing.

Why do you freak out though?

I'm not used to feeling that much.

Neither am I.

Seriously?

Seriously.

The heck's the difference? No way that's stronger than a connection.

Different level. He hasn't worked on this level since he was a kid, and we've had shadows tearing at it for a few years now.

...

So you don't get guilt or anything when people get close to you.

Heck no, I just get terrified because my paranoia isn't gone all the way yet. I know you won't hurt me, but listen, letting anyone get that close to me is one hell of a risk. At least, that's what my instincts keep telling me, even now. And yours keep saying that letting anyone get that close to you is wrong, because why?

Because...

Remember what Josephina said. Check your facts.

It's not wrong. I thought it was when I was a kid. I didn't understand.

So now you're just scared of how much you feel.

I don't know how to explain that. It's different from the 23rd. It's a different context.

You don't have to explain it, I know how it feels.

Not exactly, Laurie.

You sure? You do remember the 12th, right?

...

I know what that feels like.

Jewel?

Yeah?

I don't have to do that if you don't want me to.

No, I... I need that, somehow? That trust, that complete candor of it. The fact that it's you , like that, with me, and I just...

Hey, I've got an idea. How 'bout we stop talking about this and you two go figure it out firsthand? Think you can deal with that?

I... maybe. I hope so. Chaos, if I start crying or something ridiculous like that, don't mind me.

Crying isn't ridiculous. It happens, and you feel enough for it to happen often. It's not a flaw, at all, ever. Get that out of your head.

...

Just because I'm a bloody statue doesn't mean you have to be one.

Laurie, you're not that expressionless.

I used to be. I had two modes, ticked off and fires of hell. That was it. Then Jewel decided he was going to write in all these new and secret modes and it took me a really long time to figure that stuff out. But the point is Jewel is still denying his emotions. You don't need to be anyone's tough guy. You're stronger than the most musclebound action hero on the planet with that heart of yours. Believe me.

...

Listen, you need sleep. Genesis, you got anything to contribute to this?

Not really. I just want to make sure Jewel is okay before I leave. I'm tired too, but he doesn't look so good.

He's a bit of an emotional shambles. He'll be okay, promise.

Laurie's right, I'll pull myself together soon enough. I just... I feel so weird not being able to reach a good conclusion on this topic. I don't know what I'm even trying to say.

You want to be close to Chaos but you're afraid you're too fragile to handle it. Sounds like the 23rd, different level, different sort of overload.

Yeah.

He kicked you into "blue fairy mode" last night, didn't he?

Really, Laurie.

He did, though, the ironic injoke has come full circle. Now you're a real man, so stop trying so hard.

Laurie, you're making me laugh over here, stop it.

No, you need to lighten up, you haven't smiled in like two bloody hours.

Well now I'm smiling, there you go.

Good. You two going to be okay?

Why, are you leaving?

No, we're all leaving at once, I don't want this going on for another five hours. I mean are you going to be okay after the session is over?

Define okay, Laurie.

Are you going to be a negative emotional mess or are you two somehow going to find a way to work this out for the best?

My money's on the latter.

Mine too. You two always seem to do that whether you're trying or not.

Which is good, because I do try too hard.

You do. Listen, Jewel. Crying, falling apart, being sensitive and all that? It's fine. Seriously. If it happens, it happens. I actually admire that you can do that. So don't beat yourself up over it or go on a guilt trip. It is fine and I don't want you suppressing that sincerity. All right?

All right.

Chaos, I am holding you responsible for getting him to at least one of those.

What? Why?

It's 2012. I want this fixed. Get him through fragility without freaking out, somehow. If he falls apart, make sure it's not into fragments.

I'll make sure, I promise you that.

I'll fall apart into... a kaleidoscope. Maybe.

No dissolving poet mode, not now, it's too late even for that. Channel it into the blue guy.

Into the blue guy?

Yeah, why the heck not?

Sounds good to me. Jewel, I'm taking her up on this offer, let's get moving.

Now you're making offers on my behalf, Laurie. Whatever will you think of next.

God only knows, kid. Hey, Genesis?

Yeah?

You don't have to be a spectator, you know.

I know, I'm just watching.

He's learning from you, be careful.

Hey, you two are legit inviting me now, I'm the one who needs to be careful!

Maybe I should stick around and just be a spectator, then.

Nope, that's it for tonight, we're closing this up. I think we're all worn out in one way or another.

That's for sure.

I do want to spend time with you guys soon. Tomorrow, hopefully. If not then Monday. But I love all of you so much. I just don't want to be a mess when it happens.

You won't be. I've got faith in you, kid. Chaos, take care of him for me.

And me, by the way. You have the night shift now.

I've always had the night shift, Gen.

No, I used to hang out with him until he fell asleep, remember? Back in the old days!

Never like this, though.

No, not like this, I did that in the mornings.

Did you?

Uh, yeah, Ferry Corsten? That was at like 7AM. Chaos, when was yours?

Like 10PM or something. It was late.

Laurie, you need to find something right in the middle there.

No way, man, that's up to Jewel and I'm not rushing a single thing. It was an acceptance in advance, I don't care if it never even bloody happens. That's not my real goal. It's the thought, and what inspired it, that counts.

Yeah, and you know how important thoughts are.

You have a point.

But no, I won't rush anything. I need to get myself stable first and I'm not ready for that either. First step is getting over this fragility freakout. Chaos, you're going to need to walk me through it. Slowly.

Slowly?

Yeah. I... I don't know, I write all this poetry about you when I'm up late, and then I actually see you like this, and all the words go out the window. Fantastic Plastic Machine.

Hm.

It's true.

I know.

...

Guys?

What?

Stop staring at each other like that before you make us two want to get involved.

Yeah, no kidding, you're making me jealous.

Of which one of us?

Haha, both of you, maybe!

We've got the weirdest relationship-shape in history going on here.

It's asexual, for one, that's weird enough.

No kidding.

Wait, does it actually go four ways?

Well, it technically doesn't unless you and I get involved, and frankly that is way too freaking weird for me right now.

Yeah, uh, no offense but that's really weird for me too.

None taken.

Wait, just us?? Not you and Chaos?

Genesis, the night of the 23rd was pretty weird.

What did you do.

I snogged her is what.

It was a dare and it was weird, man! You two were way too bloody high on love and life and I figured hey, why the heck not?

Still happened.

Yeah, whatever, that's still confidential and if you tell anyone outside of our freakish camaraderie I will gut you like a fish.

I'd like to avoid that, so my lips are sealed.

You're going to have to kiss her eventually, Genesis.

Oh shut up, CZ.

That's how it goes, bud! Once you're in the group, you're in with everybody else. No exceptions. It just happens.

I just really love everyone, like a heck of a lot, and I guess it rubs off on people?
 
No kidding, he's done that downstairs already, too.

I know. I love it.

We do need talks like this more often.

I'm all for it.

Not this late though, seriously.

Haha, no kidding! You two get out of here, I'll close this up.

I'm not staying in here alone with you after what Chaos just said!

Geez, Gen, chill the heck out, I'm not making moves on anyone.

I'm kidding.

I should've guessed.

No, we're weird enough for that to be a valid concern.

True.

Guys, we're not gone yet.

Get the heck out of here, you do have things to settle.

That we do.

Be careful with him, by the way.

I will be.

See you two in the morning.

Yeah, you too.

Good night, Jewel. You too, Chaos.

See you guys.

Well.

Well what?

Well, do you want to just close this up and avoid the awkwardness or what?

Uh, maybe? Or we can just be ironic and stand around and not do anything.

We could. But it's like 3 in the morning, this is really freakin' late.

Did you really kiss Chaos?

Technically he got me, because Jewel got me like three freaking times and then dared me to get Chaos and I thought why the heck not. I couldn't exactly argue with him at that point.

Yeah, Jewel can be very convincing.

Haha, no kidding. So how the heck is tomorrow going to go down?

Is it tomorrow?

I hope so. Tonight was insane enough to need a near-immediate followup.

Probably. You had a rough time in here.

Eh, I guess it had to happen. I'm really hoping Jewel and Chaos are okay though.

What, with the fragility?

Yeah. Jewel does break easily. It worries me sometimes.

It worries me too. But I don't get why he's breaking around Chaos.

Because of how fragile it is. You heard him earlier, it's pressure points. And Chaos knows him like a book already. Jewel has him memorized, but I've got the feeling it goes both ways even if the blue guy doesn't talk about it.

That's pretty amazing.

What?

The memorizing thing. How they're actually able to do that.

Well you've seen them, haven't you? They're all over each other in one way or another. Chaos just absolutely melts into him and vice versa.

...

What, you jealous?

No, no, just... well, maybe a little bit.

Really?

Really. I just wish I could spend more time with Jewel like that too. I got to a lot when he was in high school, but it was always just barely at that level, and then 2008 happened and I guess everyone suffered from that.

Jewel does feel kind of intimidated by you sometimes.

Why?

I guess you don't go into fragility mode like he does. Even if it's not as severe as what they're doing tonight, both he and Chaos do get awfully fragile when they get close.

Hm.

And that seems to be a sort of natural state for Jewel. Totally open, no boundaries. Apparently Chaos does keep some up still but I think Jewel just burns right through all of 'em anyway.

You said he broke straight through yours?

Not broke, walked. He acted like they weren't even there and it somehow worked.

Wow.

Wow is right, you don't know what that felt like. You hear him talking about fragility? I have never felt that completely bloody defenseless in my life. And in a good way!

How so?

Like I didn't need to have any walls up. It was scary to not have the bloody things, but it was such a huge relief to know I could trust him like that, I guess. I dunno. It's new to me.

Huh. So you're saying maybe I need to be more fragile with him.

Just be less aggressive, I guess.

I'm aggressive?

Nah, I'm aggressive, but I break easy, believe it or not. You actually seem to have a good head on your shoulders there.

What do you mean by aggressive though? What am I doing?

You're going to have to ask Jewel for specifics. He's the one that brought this up to me. I see that you're just unflinchingly determined. You want something, you go after it. You want to be with Jewel, you're focused on that. Jewel doesn't focus on that at all. It's weird. It's like he's doing something completely different, and I think the personal factor of that is what freaked me out on the 12th the most.

Personal factor?

The flipside of this fragility thing. Jewel gets obsessed with people. You know how I said he looked at me?

Yeah.

That wasn't just a compassionate look or anything like that. That was like... geez, how do I explain it? It's like... like he was seeing me for the first time or something.

Maybe he was.

...Yeah, but... every single time? He still looks at Chaos like that!

I think that's just how he works.

Yeah, well, it's bloody awesome, and I hope he never quits.

I thought you said it freaked you out!

It did! No one has ever looked at me like that! But, really, it felt kind of amazing to have someone care that much all of a sudden. Or all along, and to just realize it then. I dunno. I'm tired.

Join the club.

Guess we'd better close up then.

Guess so. Otherwise this'll go on forever.

Nah, you need to sleep, that would eventually cut it short.

You don't sleep?

Not typically.

Geez.

Maybe I'll talk to the Sandman, see if he can convince me to take a legitimate snooze every once in a while. As of now though I've got too much bloody work to do, sometimes literally.

Like what do you do at night?

Used to be security. Now it's almost like a break, if there's nothing to settle from the day before, and if there's no one I need to contact or go looking for. You've seen what Jewel's done with our headspace, right?

Yeah, it's gorgeous.

He keeps adding to it! We've got this huge deck out back now and he added a coffeeshop for nostalgia's sake. So I go wandering around this city of ours sometimes, maybe I'll even add stuff.

You can add stuff?

Limitedly. I've got headspace-warping abilities, God knows how, but they're limited to our space up here as far as I can tell. Jewel and Chaos can do whatever the heck they want wherever they want, thanks to July 7th. I don't know if Xenophon inherited any of that. I honestly hope she did, that would be awesome.

Xenophon is so cool.

Isn't she? She's a total sweetheart. I love talking to her.

Really?

Yeah, no kidding! Who do you think takes care of her now? Lynne did all the babysitting while she was still developing, but now it's me, that's my job. So when she's not chilling with you or her fathers then I get to hang out with her, and it is boss.

You'll have to invite me over next time that happens, it would be cool.

It would be. Hey, maybe we can drag Leon or Julie over or something, those two need to be more involved with our group.

Does Jewel like Leon?

He likes everybody, that's obvious at this point.

No, I'm just wondering.

He does like Leon, as a friend. I'm the only headvoice he's got a crush on. I think.

Haha.

Well hey, it's the truth.

I know, that's what makes it funny!

But really, we should've closed this conversation up way back there.

Uh-oh, don't tell Jewel about this, we're the ones always telling him to close up fast.

Well you know what I say about rules. Break the bloody things when you need to. 

Within reason?

Yeah, but up here you can do that no worries. So we can talk however long we want, it's not bothering me.

Oh, so you made this rule, and now you're breaking it.

Basically. Turns out that breaking it is the better option here. Put it back together better, y'know. 

Is Jewel still listening to that song?

He's got it on loop. Kid gets addicted to music pretty darn fast.

Wasn't he channeling it through Chaos earlier? How does he do that?

He doesn't, he just kind of pushes it in Chaos' direction and he picks up on it. They run it through each other. Those two are joined at the hip, remember.

I think they're joined at more than the hip, Laurie.

Yeah, no kidding. That link is a lot higher up, and that's where this fragility thing comes in.

You're really worried about that, aren't you?

Yeah, because I felt that on the 12th, and if Jewel gets it that bad I don't want him hurting himself.

Hm. Yeah, he does that a lot more than I'd like.

Join the club!

We can both join each other's clubs, awesome.

What was yours?

Being tired.

I think that's a good place to close up for real, though.

Yeah, no kidding. Next thing you know I'll be tired and hungry, too.

Psh, we've always got an injoke, I'm telling you.

Hurry, let's end on another one.

Well, I've heard that you're the one that started the recent sunglasses fad, so...

...Deal with it, Laurie.

That's it, Kanye shrug, I've had enough.

Works for me.

Oh, and happy new year, because why not.

That too!

2012. Man. Gonna be awesome.

Not if we don't get some sleep to start it!

Hey, you get sleep, I'll be up partying all night.

No fair!

Just kidding. I'll probably walk in on Jewel and Chaos and see what happens from there.

You've gotta teach me how to do that.

We'll work on it. As of now, this session is over.

That works for me!

Thank God, you're at least easy to work with.

Haha.

No seriously, good night.

You too, Laurie. See you tomorrow.

Inevitably.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE JULIE ENANTIOS GENESIS APOLYMIS CHAOS ZERO




All right, let's get this show on the road.

Oh thank God. Took you long enough, congratulations.

Yeah, sorry, things are all over the place. By the way I apologize if it takes a little while to get this started-- I scheduled a chat session for this evening with another plural system friend, so as soon as I finish talking to them I'll let you know. I really am sorry about that but I'm trying to be reliable and life has just been incredibly hectic lately.

So I've noticed. Which is why we're here today.

Actually we're here today mostly because life has also been absolutely freaking incredible.

Tell me about it. And on that note, let's bring miss miniskirt back in here.

I do have a name, you know.

No kidding, I'm unfortunately more than used to hearing it for all the wrong reasons.

Hey, no fighting, you two.

I'm not fighting, just stating a fact.

...Fine.

Chill out, Julie. I'm not holding any animosity against you anymore.

I think that's a good place to start-- uh, actually, after we get another two people in here...

Already?

Yeah, I've been talking to Genesis all day and he says that he really wants to be a part of this conversation. The poor guy's been out of the loop lately, which is bad as he is an absolutely indispensable member of our system here.

So is Chaos.

My point exactly. And Chaos could definitely use some civil conversation with Julie for once in his life. Times have changed, drastically, and although I don't want to force anyone to jump into this headfirst we can't go on living the way we used to. That's a simple fact too.

No kidding. I think that applies most strongly to Julie though.

...I suppose so.

Really, our readers are probably flipping out because the last time she was in here, this happened, and that's obviously not what's going on now.

Thank God.

Do you want me to start talking, then?

Almost. Give me a few seconds...

Helloooo~!

Hi Genesis.

Where in the world is Chaos?

You can't find him?

I think maybe he's preoccupied-- oh, nevermind.

Sorry, I didn't think we were talking already.

We are. Sit down, buddy, this is going to be a long one.

So I've heard.

Jewel what are we discussing first?

The Julie situation. That needs to be clarified and thoroughly explained before we can even think of tackling the more recent concerns.

Oh, okay. I'll wait and listen then.

Julie, do you want to talk about this yourself and have me comment on it, or what?

I'll talk. I'll say my piece and then you can say whatever you want.

Okay. Just remember you're the major focus here, so.

Geez, Jewel, no pressure.

It's the truth though.

I know, I know. Where do you want me to start?

Uh... August... August 18th? Geez, I didn't think it had already been a month for you, Julie!

Obviously it has been.

Julie, what the heck is your problem? Why the icepick attitude?

I don't want to think about this.

...I'm sorry. But we have to. If you want me to talk I will.

No, I should be the one saying this. I... should I just say exactly what happened?

Sure, anyone who's reading this should have a general understanding of the events in my life, so don't censor yourself or worry that someone won't know what terms you're using. Just talk about what happened to you recently.

All right. I've... been using Jewel for most of his life, I'll admit this, but during July and August I was starting to have a sort of... existential crisis? With how Jewel was changing and refusing to even let me near him anymore, I couldn't use him for my own ends, and was quickly running out of options. I was miserable, then. I needed my shallow pleasures to feel happy even for a moment. But I was wrong, too.

I kept telling you that.

I didn't believe you. Self-gratification was all I knew. It was what I ran on. For you to constantly refuse to let me get what I wanted, or do what I felt like, was unthinkable to me. I hated you. I hated you more than I could stand. And it was all because you wouldn't let me use you to get those things.

Because they were wrong to pursue. They were fleeting and shallow and corrupted, and although I didn't realize it until this year, you were seeking something other than selfish gratification through them.

What do you mean?

We'll get to that, once Julie finishes. It ties into what happened on the 18th.

Yeah, let me go back to that.

No, not yet. I don't think you finished explaining what led up to it, with me.

Oh. Okay. Jewel started to stand up to me this year. In situations where he would have previously let me get away with things out of fear, he was now refusing to be manipulated at all and even threw me out once. That had never happened before, not once in all the time I've been here.

That little incident was discussed in this entry, by the way.

That was also when you were hacking me in dreams, Julie, and using my splinters to strengthen your hacking methods.

That was a very bad move.

Quite the opposite, I think.

Well, now I can see that. But when it happened it was... traumatic.

We're getting ahead of ourselves. Remember that Jewel was also trying really bloody hard to get you to 'turn your life around' during that time, despite how sadistically you were hurting him.

He was. At first I refused to even acknowledge him, like I said. I felt he had nothing worthwhile to say as he held none of my motives or interests. It wasn't until it became almost impossible to hack him that I began to wonder if he had a point. I was still miserable even after I managed to accomplish a hack, and the work just didn't seem to be worth it. And Jewel just kept getting happier, despite my efforts. So I started to listen to him, but...

But he was telling you that you had to stop thinking about yourself all the time.

Yeah. He told me that I had to stop being so selfish and single-minded, to the point where I was completely able and willing to hurt others to get what I wanted. I didn't want to stop.

Because you didn't understand.

I didn't. And then my selfish ways came back to torment me for it, I guess.

Go on.

...On August 18th, I hacked Jewel. But it wasn't me. The splinters had decided to use me.

Really??

Yes, really. ...I didn't think it was a problem at first. I figured I'd still get what I wanted, but I was wrong. With how Jewel had been talking to me lately about my motives, and how he had been rising so far above what he once was, especially with June 29th, I was losing what little pleasure I had left in what I used him for. It was no longer worth it. It felt just as stupid and empty and mechanical as he had been insisting it was for so long. It made me angry at first, which is why I didn't listen to him when he told me to change, but it kept getting worse and then I got scared. If I couldn't get that anymore, how would I cope with it? How would I live? I needed my 'fix,' but now it seemed impossible to get. I was starting to really wonder if Jewel was right, if I would really die if I kept living like that, but--

Elaborate on that dying thing a little more. That's important.

...I'm a 'shadow.' Or I used to be. I was born from all the negativity and selfish instincts that Jewel rejected in his childhood. It was all I ever knew, it was my reason for existing, it was my nature. I was almost like a disease to him. I know you all considered me something like that for a while.

Yeah, we didn't think you had a mind of your own at all. We figured you were just this conglomeration of vicious evil that could only be killed, not converted. But Jewel wouldn't give up on you, despite that.

I admit that kind of inspired me after a while. It's why I began to lose my drive. He just wouldn't give up and I couldn't figure out why. You let me hack you on June 25th, by your own free will, because you were trying to get me to see what I was doing wrong. It didn't work, but... I don't think the effort was lost.

And that's where August 18th comes back in.

Yeah. I had been manipulating the splinters to weaken Jewel so I could hack him without him noticing, but I guess doing so made the splinters latch onto that themselves. On the 18th they used me to hack Jewel, but both he and I didn't realize that I had been used until after it happened. Jewel didn't even know until I told him the next morning, and by then I had made up my mind.

Julie, you keep skipping the bleeding point. Tell them why that hack turned you around.

Because it forced me to feel exactly what I had been doing to Jewel for the past 5 years straight.

Jewel, you called that the "pholph principle?"

Yeah, I did. That's because there's this webcomic by the name of Jack, hosted at pholph.com, and one of the characters is sort of an embodiment of Lust. He is damned to Hell but could get out and return to reality to commit atrocities again, if not for one little detail-- Lucifer told him that, if he ever did return to the world of the living, it would be as a female.

And he'd understand exactly what he did to all the women he hurt in his past lifetime.

Exactly. And he is terrified of that possibility so he avoids it and refuses to think about it... but Julie here was thrown into that understanding against her will. You had no empathy until that happened, I don't think.

I didn't. It wasn't something I could comprehend, let alone feel.

So the splinters hacked you for once, you realized just how much pain you had been putting Jewel through for so many years--

And me.

...Shoot, I forgot she was targeting you for a while.

I'm sorry.

Wow, I never expected to hear that.

It's true. That's why I'm here right now. I was so freaking sorry once I felt that for myself. I got nothing from it and yet the splinters didn't care. They only saw me as an object to manipulate to get what they wanted. It was exactly what I did. At first I was furious that they had used me but then I realized that I would have done the same thing in their position. And the realization that I was like that, that I was such a cold-hearted thing, was too much. It made me sick, and I decided that if I had to choose between either giving that up and trying something different, which was horribly loathsome to me at the time, or continuing to live as a selfish bitch and getting nothing from it but that dull empty rage, and that constant feeling of never being happy or complete or even peaceful... then I would give it up. It made me sick, and I guess at first it was still a selfish decision between dying and living, but some part of me still knew that living meant I could no longer be uncaring about others and still decided to give that a try. So I am sorry.

And your apology is accepted.

Thank you.

So Julie here is no longer a shadow. I guess now she's actually an anti-shadow, if anything, because you've actually been trying very hard to keep me from getting hacked by the ego lately.

Oh, wait, hold up.

What?

That. You didn't mention that. Just because Julie is now on our side after practically 15 freaking years doesn't mean that we're home free. The ego is still after us.

Yeah, about that. I have a theory. Julie, I think the ego-- that soulless, empty drive of primal impulses and selfish wants-- is the real demon here and always has been. I think that is what I was really aware of as a child. I knew that part of me that society had begun to form in me WASN'T me. I knew that I wasn't so dark and cruel and separated from everything, and knowing that such a thing was in me terrified me... so I cut out as much of it as I could, tossed it off to the side, and went on with my life. Or so I thought.

Because then I was born from it.

Not just that. Yes, you were born from the dark parts in me I refused to take in, but an ego doesn't die so easily. I had, in fact, only split it in half. And we each were tormented by a different half. And I didn't even realize that I was in hell until it was almost too late.

Whoa whoa whoa, back the heck up. What is this?

Something I just figured out within the past few days, with all the spiritual research I've been doing, and Julie's metanoia. We didn't think it was possible for her to turn her life around, and yet she did. Which means that whatever we thought was soulless in her wasn't her. We discussed that in this entry by the way.

We've discussed this a heck of a lot in the past.

And with good reason.

Finally he speaks!

Hey, I'm listening! I don't have anything to contribute right now, so don't yell at me.

I know, just couldn't resist bugging you.

But about the ego thing. It didn't die when I was a kid, and it didn't leave me alone either, although I was fooled into thinking it had. But now I know why... because as a kid, I identified with it. Right up until I was about 12, 13 years old, I was acutely aware of a severe disconnect between who I was and who I was acting as. My inner me, the deeper me, was buried far below the outer me, which was a construct I had consciously put together. And yet I told myself it was me, no matter how much I secretly hated it. When I hit 2003 or so, and I met 'my three'... Ryman, Markus and Chaos... well, I began to tune in to who I truly was. But I didn't start actively trying to be that person until 2008. Once again, I'm sure everyone knows about that fiasco and what followed it.

No kidding, that was insane.

So that was my problem. And it's why I was always miserable and borderline suicidal, even. I was at the ego's mercy, and it didn't care about me. It only wanted to survive, but it wanted to survive on its own terms. It was constantly fearful, angry, judgmental and overwhelmingly selfish. It made me unable to work or relax or even be happy with life in general... when I thought I was happy it faded within minutes. It was always shallow, never lasting. Julie, I daresay that's exactly what you went through on some level?

...I guess so.

And that is because you got the other half of it, the more pain-driven half, whereas I got the fear-driven half. Now we've both overcome it, and it is literally the last enemy we will ever have to face.

What about the splinters? Or do they count as the ego?

They are part of it. Which is intriguing. Fragment was a corrupted form of coping with the ego, of 'turning everything off' and feeling nothing, but ironically doing so made it part of the ego. That's because it was manipulative and cold and uncaring, acting for self-preservation alone. Thanatos, though, was a death drive that wanted to kill everything, even itself. And that is part of the ego in its selfishness and violence, true, but by its very nature it was some sort of kickback to itself. It sought relief from the ego, escape from that constant violence, through violence and unconsciousness. It was torturing itself by simply existing, and so it tried to escape through shallow pursuits and false pleasures, which dulled awareness and caused me to 'slip below thought' and not even know what was happening to me, and invariably caused a Thanatos meltdown whenever they occurred. That ties into Julie's hacks too. The ego hates itself. And although that is terribly sad, that is the nature of such a dark thing. It's not an individual, it's a drive, so it can't be changed. It can only be overcome. Which, by the way, I have started to do.

Seriously now?

Yeah. Since Julie switched sides I haven't been 'attacked' mentally by either of the splinters, and I didn't see much of them at all for a few weeks prior to that either. I'm still getting straight-up ego hacks here and there, but now I recognize those as shallow compulsions so as long as I'm aware, I can avoid them easily. It's a piece of cake compared to Julie, actually.

But you said both splinters were parts of the ego.

They were. I just referred to them as 'pseudo-individuals,' as their own separate drives, because I was identifying with them. But now that I no longer let that happen, I think they've died off, so to speak.

So it's just the ego itself.

Yes. And that I still need to fight. But that's a whole other topic and it's not something I'm worried about discussing here, as I'm having no severe problems with it. Also I deeply apologize for rambling about this, because I feel like I got really far off topic.

Not quite. You were discussing how Julie held half of the ego but you had the other half.

Oh yeah. So my half was the one that I 'projected' for years. It was a personality I cultivated and tried very hard to identify with, but never really felt 'real' with, for obvious reasons. It started to die around 2006 and it took me several years to 'recover' from that, as I actually felt I had lost my identity for quite some time. Little did I know I had only lost a fake one. A few 'replacement' ones sprang up between then and now but I've dealt with them all. As for Julie, she had the same identity problem, I think, especially with the 'thanatos' aspect of constantly seeking distraction from herself, but never feeling fulfilled. Julie?

It... makes sense, I suppose.

I mean it explains why you were able to change at all, too, without losing who you were underneath all that.

Yeah. It's a huge relief, actually. Like I said on Facebook, I've never really felt... happy before.

Do you feel happy now?

Kind of. I did on the 19th. I'm at least not plagued by that neverending misery anymore.

Well I'm here to help you adjust to your new life, as are the rest of us. We're all in this together and now you're part of it, and frankly I've been looking forward to this for a very, very long time.

Told you the kid doesn't ever give up on people.

Tell me about it.

Jewel what's our next topic??

Uh, let me check the list. By the way Laurie, Genesis and I made a list of the topics we needed to discuss here while we were on campus today. So that's why he's all excited over this.

I was wondering about that. It's kind of adorable.

Aaand I FINALLY got all these chat windows closed. I swear, as soon as I talk to one person everyone else jumps in.

Well you're never online, so..

Because instant messaging is very difficult for me. No visual cues, no auditory cues. It's almost impossible for me to communicate accurately. But once again that's off-topic. Next on the list... oh.

What?

I, uh... hold on, let's skip that one for now. We talked about Julie's metanoia, we figured out that she was being used by the ego-- Julie, you do agree on that, right? Because I am really concerned about that.

Well you were just saying how I always had the compulsion to seek self-gratification, and that the ego does that by nature, I guess. And now with what you've taught me I no longer feel that.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. We got you to see my side of the picture too, with how I was trying to tell you that you were using... that... in the wrong way?

The 'pink color?'

Yeah.

Geez, Jewel, you still hate talking about that.

I can talk about if necessary, but it's incredibly awkward and confusing because I have no way to really understand how it applies to most of the population. But I'm very thankful I managed to help Julie get her facts straight there.

Because you laid it out clearly for me, and I had the proof from how you had changed by living that way. I mean I couldn't hack you. And then you ruined that for me. So you were obviously doing something effective.

He listened to me is what he did.

Yeah, June 29th would likely have been catastrophic if Laurie hadn't helped me through it.

The catastrophic part was thanks to you, pigtails.

I'm aware of that, unfortunately.

But we're all understanding of how Julie's situation has changed for the better?

Yeah. It's pretty straightforward once you know the major reasons behind it.

Now what was that topic you skipped, Jewel?

Is that what you posted on my Facebook by any chance?

...Yeah. Pretty much.

He posted a huge paragraph on my wall asking why I had hurt him in the past. And I told you, it was because I had those drives and urges and I was willing to go to whatever lengths I had to for them.

But were you even aware of what you were doing?? For heaven's sake, Julie, you killed Natalie because she was in your way! You killed her, a little girl, in cold blood because she was keeping you from manipulating me for your own ends! Why?

...You just said why.

But you murdered her.

I know.

Was that just another compulsion for you, huh?

...Basically.

Geez, Julie...

I'm sorry. Okay? I am sorry that Natalie's dead. But I can't change that now.

Then you were definitely being used, just as much as you used me. The only times I have ever been so unaware as to commit such atrocities are when Thanatos would take over. I felt nothing, I didn't care. But that was because I wasn't present. I, Jewel Lightraye, was not there whenever it took over. And when it had had enough, or something else chased it out, and I came back, I would be horrified and frightened beyond words of how 'I' had acted because of it. That had to be what was happening with you.

Would you kill me now if I stood in your way?

...In my way of what? I don't want any of that anymore.

But would you try to kill me if I was in your way?

...

Julie. Answer the question.

...No.

And why wouldn't you?

It wouldn't solve anything.

But would you care?

...I guess. Yeah. It would hurt Jewel, and I'm tired of hurting people.

Then you have developed a sense of empathy after all, holy swords. Congratulations.

There's... there's one thing that's still scaring me. A lot.

What is it?

...Laurie, do you remember last summer?

Yeah.

Do you remember that one night you practically lost your mind? That caused this conversation?

...Unfortunately.

...What was that?

I don't know. Maybe it was the ego getting at me, who the heck knows. I went temporarily insane and couldn't think straight. Sounds like your February Thanatos drive to me.

You flipped out because I was being 'too selfish.' You attacked me, brutally, for a solid hour because you said I was destroying my life and the lives of those around me.

Because you were letting your ego use you. You WERE being selfish and shallow. And with... with what we found out that summer, I guess it drove me to the breaking point and I just snapped that night. We discussed this back in October, Jewel.

...But you don't know what caused that night directly.

Besides the gut-wrenching emotional trauma I was in? Besides the fact that you didn't even realize what you were allowing to happen? I unhinged, is what happened. Whatever happened after that I don't bloody know, if you're asking whether it was the ego or a splinter or what. It could have been. But I refuse to let that happen again, especially after... especially now that I've found my metainomen, let's put it that way.

Yeah. I didn't think you would.

So why the heck did you bring that up?

Because it sounded exactly like my Thanatos hacks, for one, as you said. You were not acting like yourself at all. You were blinded by it. Literally, too.

I know, and I told you, we discussed all of that that. This topic has been discussed and concluded, Jewel.

...

You're hiding something.

I am.

Jewel, ask her about it.

...I don't know. This hurts, a lot, to ask. More than I can handle.

Spit it out, kid, I'll handle it with you.

...

He's scared.

I can clearly tell, he's been putting this off for way too bloody long. He does this all the freakin' time and seriously Jewel, this is one bad habit you still need to quit.

I don't want to ask this question without making sure I understand what's behind it.

What do you mean?

It's about last summer. I... you figured everything out long before I did, back then. And I just... Julie, did you know you were killing my children?

...

Did you f*cking know?

Jewel, watch it. What the heck is going on here?

I was afraid to ask this because it is absolutely horrific for me to even think about. You said that in July of last year, you wondered if Julie was trying to accomplish something besides just using me to get what she wanted physically. And then you realized that my Links had been failing for quite some time now. You assumed that was her direct fault. It wasn't. That was the ego working with both her and I and completely blocking my ability to see or feel or do anything with the children I already had. But that was only one part of the equation, and you understood it wrong. We all understood it wrong. When Julie started seriously hacking me, when I was about sixteen-- I think, I don't remember and don't want to dwell on it-- something in me started to die. I know that. Every hack did carry death. She started hacking my children and I want to know why. I couldn't fix my Links and I was afraid of using the ones I had because of her and I want to know if she even realized just how deeply she was slicing my heart open because Julie, I am sorry but that was f*cking demonic.

Jewel, watch your bloody mouth!!

...I'm sorry. I'm... slipping. I shouldn't be. Genesis, talk me down, man.

Do it for her.

...

Jewel?

I apologize. I fell entirely off-center there and I should have been more careful. See, this is how I've still been getting hacked here and there. I'm fire at heart, after all. Sometimes I burn myself if I'm not paying attention. I am very, very sorry for that. Julie, please answer my question while I take a minute or two to just calm down over here. Please.

...I wasn't using your children. Not literally. You remember how I used to split myself into other personalities? Like Missy and Bridget? That's what I did, to pretend to be them. I knew that would hurt you, and... well, when you wouldn't let me use you for what I wanted, or when you fought me and made me angrier or ruined what I was trying to achieve, that hatred I felt got stronger. And it got to the point where I wanted to kill you. I wanted to kill you, but I couldn't, because then I knew I'd be without my... my means to an end. So I....

You started killing him from the inside out.

...Basically. But I never touched any of them, not even once.

Yes you did. You hacked Lilianne.

I... when?

The pink fox girl. You hacked her.

I... did I?

You did. Maybe you weren't conscious of it. But earlier this year, before those hacks stopped altogether, some of them were telling me that they were having nightmares, or disturbing vibes, that they couldn't explain. And then one night you apparently 'pretended' to be Lilianne and she felt it.

...

Genesis goes without saying. It took me a very, very long time to forgive you for that, and knowing me that is quite shocking.

Jewel you're still out of it.

I know. I need to fix myself fast or there's no way I can finish this conversation, and I need to do that or I'm going to have some serious emotional backlash. I'm trying hard, I promise.

Jewel, can I...?

...What?

Is there anything I can do?

...

Honestly, I think just being there works pretty darn well.

Well yeah, but... it scares me when this happens. Lately I haven't been taking these slips well...

I am so, so sorry about that, Chaos.

Jewel, it's not entirely your fault. We don't get to spend time together until it's late, and by that time you've basically worked yourself to death.

But it hurts you when I can't... stay there. When I'm unstable. I think I'm managing to center again, I just felt my heartlight go on.

Not the pain you're talking about? From this morning?

No, love, that's different. Very similar, but different. I mean that I felt very displaced over this current topic, to the point where it was allowing me to unhinge. But... well, as Laurie said, being around Chaos is just... it's impossible for me to be false or broken or wrong when I'm with him, in any sense.

...

It's true. You're my other half, and I love you.

...Jewel, I don't know what to say in response to that. Not in words, at least.

You're going to have to wait on that, sharkbug. Sorry, but I am getting really bloody impatient about this conversation concerning what I've been told about it by the batmantis there.

I know. Sorry for spiking the emotional atmosphere there, Chaos, but it was kind of inevitable with what I feel like right now.

At least you feel like you again. Last year, you were just... you were lost. For a long time you were very badly lost. And that hurt.

It did. I can only hope I've made up for that with what I've accomplished this year.

Geez, kid, you've made up for the past twenty years of pain with what you've accomplished in the space of five months already. Now seriously, Julie, stop holding us the heck up and give us an answer to that question.

...What was the question?

You hurt Lilianne, quite literally. You hacked me through pretending to be her and she felt it, and it terrified her. A few others had similar experiences but none were as vivid as hers. So I'm asking you, were you aware of doing that to them? Or were you just acting blindly?

I... I don't know. I told you I did the pretending thing. I won't deny that. But I swear I never went after them directly.

What about the dream hacks?

I stopped those when your boss punched me.

Not worth it after the Sandman stepped in, huh?

No. It wasn't worth the effort it took, especially since I was starting to lose the thrill of it by that time.

But you pulled off some really bloody brazen dream hacks. I can remind you which one merited that punch, if you've forgotten.

...No, I remember that one.

Why did you do it?

Because I was trying to manipulate you. And I was trying to hurt you as much as possible. At that time I was actively trying to twist your morals. But it was all desperate, with me just trying to survive by continuing to do what I had done over the past several years.

But you swear you never touched any one of my kids directly.

I swear. If there was emotional bleed-over from you I didn't even consider it. I didn't care about that.

...All right.

And this ties into last summer how, besides the obvious general topic?

I wanted to know if Julie was actively trying to hurt or kill them.

I was.

But to get at me.

Yeah.

You didn't... you didn't have any motives beyond that? At any time?

No, it was just using and hurting you.

Were there ever times where you weren't... I don't know, in control of your actions? Or when you were acting automatically or... like a Thanatos hack, but however that would apply to you. Did you ever have something like that?

I don't know. I acted very blindly most of the time, like when I used to attack you if you came near me without my knowing. It was all very instinctual. And I told you before, I don't even remember most of my lifetime because I would kind of... 'blank out' if I couldn't get at you, or do anything, so I wouldn't have to deal with the interim. Like when you used to have me locked up. I could only satisfy so much of my wants by myself. That's why I started the mind scenarios, and those eventually turned into hacks, and those worsened until they reached the breaking point for you.

But it was like a kneejerk drive most of the time.

Yeah. It was just something I needed to have, or do. And I just did things without even thinking, sometimes, as long as I got what I wanted. But I was never happy. It would wear off and I'd do it again and again. That's one thing I don't miss at all about this new life.

I don't blame you.

Jewel, what the heck are you trying to figure out here?

It's like I said earlier, and like you said in October. Every time she hacked me, some part of me died. And those parts were what allowed me to create. That is what caused the total Link fallout. I was in so much pain, and I was so mangled inside, that it was impossible for me to work creatively from how much agony it caused me. That's what I mean when I say it was the ego working. It drove her to be completely instinctual and selfish in her motives, and caused me to suffocate in my pain and fear. Those are both aspects of the ego. But Julie was not actively cutting my Links. That was an aftereffect. Am I right in saying that, Julie?

I didn't even know what your Links were, really, until recently. I knew you had connections to other worlds but that's why I was masquerading as people from them. I wanted to destroy that, yes, but I didn't do it directly because I didn't know there was any way to do so.

Thank God.

And why did you hack Genesis?

...I knew that would hurt you.

...

It did. It really did.

I'm sorry.

Julie, do you even mean all these "I'm sorry"s?

Yes. I do. I'm just tired of thinking about how I used to act, now that I really understand the extent of my actions.

That's understandable.

One last question on this topic. Is that why you tried to kill Xenophon?

Who is that?

The... the fragile little creature I found on March 13th. The "strange child." On March 24th, you nearly murdered hir. It shook me to the core. We barely saved hir life, Julie. I was so completely distraught that I couldn't even heal hir myself. And you're saying that your sole motivation for ALL of that was simply to emotionally kill me?

...Why else would I have done it? I told you, I hated you.

So you killed Natalie and traumatized Lilianne and nearly eviscerated Xenophon because you were trying to destroy me.

Look, Jewel, I don't know how else to explain this to you. I hated you. Do you understand what that means?

...Unfortunately, yes.

Then you should understand why all of those major events had the same single motivation.

Holy swords, Julie, am I ever glad you switched sides. Wow.

I was a bitch. I was an irredeemable bitch, and what I did can never be erased or repaired. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me.

But I did. Laurie couldn't believe it, but I did. I knew how utterly deranged you were simply because you had such a one-track mind. And I pitied you for it. Yes, you hurt me so badly I thought I'd never recover. I can't forget what you did even if I did forgive it. I am scarred for life, Julie, literally and figuratively. I had blood on my hands and I have graves in my bones because of you. And despite all that I couldn't hate you because I saw how lost you were and I knew you had never felt love or happiness and so help me but that is tragic. I couldn't hate you because it's not in my heart to hate. I wanted to save you from the atrocity you had become. And now, all those years of suffering have paid off.

...Thank you.

You are entirely welcome. Thank you for actually managing to be open enough to listen to me, even if it took several years for my words to finally get through.

Several years and a bitter mouthful of my own bad medicine.

No kidding. This chick basically had herself doomed by her own deserts.

I don't want her suffering anymore though. She's lived her hell. I've lived mine. I want to leave that in the past where it belongs and deal with what we have now. It's like you always tell me, Laurie-- the past is over and done with, and the future never comes. Stop freaking out over things you have no control over, and just deal with life as it comes.

Yeah, that's the gist of it. That and stay true to who you are.

Heehee, Jewel we were just talking about this today.

We were. That's because it's the absolute truth. And speaking of staying true, Chaos, you are being terribly quiet.

Just trying to deal with the tidal wave you set off in me a few paragraphs ago.

Oh.

I'll be okay.

I, um... it... does it hurt? You're not going under or anything, are you?

No, no. I mean yeah, it hurts a little bit. But it's nothing I can't handle.

Jewel...

I know, I know.

Seriously, the heck are you two up to?

Things.

I told you, he wrote this list with me. So he wants me to... uh... actually get to the last topic.

Wait, is this what you've been telling me about? The big thing?

The big thing, yes.

Holy swords. What time is it? Do we have time for this?

It's five minutes to midnight and frankly I do not care if I'm up until 4AM with this. I can sacrifice that. There is no way in heaven I can put off this conversation for another second.

Then let's get started for heaven's sake.

Wait, wait. Julie, I am terribly sorry if I caused you any serious pain by discussing everything we did today. And I sincerely apologize for my outbursts concerning that. It just... well, it hurt badly.

I know it did. It's okay. I can deal with it.

But really, you aren't a shadow anymore. I want you to have a brighter role in this system. You're the Thief of Death now, remember? Do you know what that means?

Not exactly. What is that, the metainomen thing?

Yes. Because your past self died, Julie. You are free from that, forever, as long as you live in the now, with what you've been given. You have a second chance at life. And you are the Thief of Death because for years you were a harbinger of it, taking life from others, something that was blind to the light in itself and those you hurt... but now, now through rising above what you were, you steal death away. You have freed yourself and us from that death by that transcendence. You said you only really listened to me because you didn't want to die, but you forgot to mention one little thing... I told you that, no matter what option you chose, you would have to die. But I also told you that death wasn't something to be feared if you viewed it the right way. If you had stayed a shadow and lived in fear and hatred, you would have died to life itself. You would have gradually become more and more lost and empty, seeking gratification where it could not be found, looking for freedom and completion outside yourself. You were twisted and manic and blind, and you were dead inside because of it. But you didn't want to die, in spite of that. Do you know why?

I just... didn't want to die.

But you weren't happy with your life at that time, were you?

I was never happy with it.

Because you were living death. That is what hell is, to be blind and unaware of your brightness, of all light. But darkness cannot see light. And I knew that your lost self, the shadow you were, would have to die in order for you to live. That shadow part of you was the vice you were born from. It was the ego-driven body of pain that had overtaken you, as mine had overtaken me in the past. But it wasn't you, even if you thought it was. The fact that you're standing here before me is proof of that. I told you that that false self would have to die and you rejected that, as you still felt it was you... but then the 18th happened, and you became acutely aware that something was wrong, that some part of you was not that shadow, that you deserved better than that in a true sense. But you had to be better first. So you came to me and I told you it would be difficult. It would be hard for you to leave that behind entirely, for that old self to die, for you to realize that you were greater than that. But if you did, you would have an entirely new life, free of those shackles and pain. You would be able to live without that awful compulsion and misery. You would be happy.

...I still can't believe I deserve that.

You do. Everyone does. I won't let you pull the same thing I used to do, which Laurie and Chaos and Genesis all yelled at me about, when I insisted I didn't deserve my blessings. The part of you that 'doesn't deserve that' is dead. It is in the past, it is not who you are now. You, as our Thief of Death, are uniquely qualified to rise above what you were. And the best part is you already have, in being what you are now. This is your second chance, and don't get hung up on whether or not you can accept it. Be grateful for it anyway, and live it. You'll realize that the real you deserves every single good thing I'm willing to give you here. You said you're sick and tired of using people, and being used? That is over, for good. You said you want to live for a reason other than hedonistic survival? Here's your new reason, to live for this new chance, for light and hope. This is you, trying again. Don't forget how happy you were in the first few days after you joined us here. That's the truth of this. Just because you screwed up terribly in the past doesn't mean you can't find salvation now. All you need to do is accept that it's here, now.

...I will do my best to, Jewel. T-thank you.

That's our Seer of Love being bloody incredible as always.

Is it just me or is he the reason every one of us has found their metainomen so far?

Nope, it's him. He's the star.

I'm the Sandman's Apprentice is what I am, and actually part of that role is learning to be who I am, instead of acting like I used to under ego influence. Seriously, I'm learning so much from that. But we're off topic again.

Just a little bit. We didn't start this 'huge' topic because you're the only one who freaking knows what it is, and you got carried away in your inspirational speech to the Good Thief over there.

She needed it, I think.

I did. I really did.

Well Julie, if you want to stick around for this next crazy topic then feel free. But it's going to get crazy.

I... don't know. What is it about?

Laurie. And me. And Chaos.

That's still rather vague.

It's supposed to be. I've been incredibly fragile emotionally for about three weeks now, in one way or another, with what I've found out. And that is thanks to you, Laurie, actually.

Me? The heck did I do?

You got me thinking. I had an absolutely groundbreaking realization around August 21st, and although that in and of itself was enough to inspire me ineffably, your incessant fangirling made it even worse.

Heheh.

So yeah, after spending four solid days researching and typing, you made me start it up again, slowly. I started with more spiritual work and research, keeping myself as grounded in those truths as possible with all the pain around me. But coincidences started falling together around that time, and synchronicity was everywhere. I swear I don't think I spent a single night with you, Chaos, without the clock hitting triple digits, especially 11:11.

Yeah, that was happening so often it was almost unbelievable.

True, but there it was. And in light of the 21st, having so many things revolve around us was really starting to make me wonder. Was there something else I was supposed to learn from this?

What did you learn on the 21st?

Several things, actually...

Mostly, that Jewel and I are literally cosmically inseparable.

Yeah, I apparently missed a huge sign on July 7th, and when I understood what it meant it was mind-blowing. That's all written about here, as it's far too convoluted to even briefly mention.

What was the huge sign?

Uh... basically, a sort of divine sign that Chaos Zero is my 'twin flame'. He is quite literally my other half.

And you're mine.

Exactly. It's beautiful, really, and I kept getting all these coincidences that all ultimately pointed to that both before and after I realized it. Personally I think one of the best parts of it is that my mother is aware of that truth for Chaos and I and is actually supportive of it. Which is absolutely freaking incredible.

That explains why no one in your life has ever freaked out at the notion of you two being in a relationship, as hard as that was for you to accept at first.

Oh geez, yeah. And this was everywhere-- both online and offline, with friends and strangers alike. No one ever said "hey that is unnatural" or anything like that, despite my constant paranoia that they would. Seriously, back around 2005 I was plagued by the horrible notion that being in love with a nonhuman was wrong somehow, even if every answered prayer or sign I got spoke to the exact opposite of that.

Freakin' 2005? I thought it was later than that?

It lingered for a very long time, especially when I was having identity problems myself. But now I just say, "I'm in love, and love is the truest thing there is," and don't let doubt even touch me anymore. Long story short, what I've been blessed with is incomparably awesome, and it has been the brightest thing I've ever experienced. And yes, Julie, that is why you could no longer hack me as this summer went on. CZ and I just got too deeply involved.

You two were flat-out untouchable. Heck, you still are, even moreso than before!

I think that's my biggest regret about hacking you, is sabotaging that.

Really?

Yeah. When you read that paper to me back in August, and you explained why I had been going about my wants in the wrong way, I began to understood just what I had been trying to undermine. Sure I had only wanted to hurt you when I did it. I never thought of the aftereffects, or the deeper effects. But now I can see what I almost did, and I am so sorry for that.

Don't give me 'almost did,' you couldn't tear these two apart if you tried.

And she did try.

Exactly. Cosmically inseparable means just that. You two are joined at the hip, man.

Oh that was a perfectly timed reference, Laurie.

Heheh, told you I'm getting good at this.

Okay, before we get too tangential, I just want to mention that Laurie is no longer being so crazy secretive which is incredible as I freaking adore her, and also it's allowing us to have some absolutely inspirational conversations instead of hitting a wall because she 'doesn't want to open up just yet.'

Yeah, ironically I'm just beginning to speak my own truths now.

How is that ironic?

She's our Knight of Truth. She brings it out in everyone else and is brutally honest, but although she upholds the truth she never said a word about her own until now. So there's that paradoxicality again, which seems to always go with metainomenai in some way. Plus, Laurie, if you don't mind my saying, I think in the past you used to blind yourself to certain truths. Especially when it came to me.

Give me an example.

Uh, well, that unhinged night comes to mind again, but I think the most striking example would be everything concerning our moirallegiance.

Oh, well of course, from what I learned in that conversation. I wasn't intentionally blinding myself though, or at least not consciously.

I know. But that's how it is ironic with respect to your title, and why I am so glad you're opening up to us now.

You would be, heheh.

Jewel we have things to discuss!!

I was wondering why you weren't talking.

I wasn't talking because I am the only one staying on topic. But Laurie is next on the list so we kind of got back to it anyway.

Oh thank heaven I want to know what the heck you found out about me.

Uh, I don't know if I can... say that yet. It's, um... convoluted.

What the heck, Jewel. You've been stringing me along for days here with this already.

I know, and I'm sorry, but there's a certain way I have to bring up these topics or I'll accidentally confuse everyone to death.

Or you'll slip like you did with me!!

Wow, yeah. Despite what a total failure that was on my part, it was the best possible outcome I could think of for telling you.

Heehee. It was. I was all "oh my gosh!!" and you were freaking out like "uh yeah I wasn't supposed to tell you that yet!!"

No, first you actually made me stop walking across campus because you shouted "WHAT??"

WHAT OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.

That was basically it, yeah! But oh man that was hilariously perfect. I still can't get over how you actually wouldn't let me keep walking because you were so stunned.

Jewel. You dropped an absolute humdinger of a revelation on me. I couldn't not stop.

Pffff! Genesis we should not be laughing about this, man.

But it was funny! Funny and crazy awesome and oh my gosh we need to talk about this.

I have no bleeding idea what you two are talking about.

That is my point! Jewel the next topic says exactly, "Laurie's origin." She wants to know.

Oh man how do I even begin to talk about this...

All right, let me say something. How many of these topics tie together?

All of them.

All of them?

For serious. That's why it's so staggering. ALL of this ties together, completely.

So where the heck do you start?

Tell her Jewel, tell her tell her tell her.

Tell her what?

What you told me oh my gosh. You need to tell them.

Genesis, what in the world has you so excited?

Something awesome and crazy.

Yeah, you're actually the reason why I've been putting off talking about this, Chaos.

Me? Why?

Because, um... your reaction to this is the most important. I mean, yeah, we're all involved in this, but the single most important thing that I found out deals with you.

Oh for the love of-- how the heck much did you find out??

I found out one thing. Well, I suspected it, rather. And the thinking and reading and worrying about it worked me into an actual emotional mess. Not negatively, no, but... it turned my world upside down. I'm not even joking.

Holy swords. And this is about Chaos?

Partly, yeah. I just... I don't know how to say this. Because geez, I thought I knew this already with what we've been going through and talking about, but... well, apparently adding one small detail and some agreeing outside perspectives makes a heck of a huge difference.

He asked a few people about this who had been in similar situations.

Yeah. And they, um, pretty much verified my suspicions. So that calmed me down on the nervous bit, Laurie, but now I'm just freaking out because I have to tell you guys and oh man.

Tell us what?

...

Do you want me to tell them.

No, geez sweetheart, I really have to take this seriously.

I know, but unless you badly slip up again it'll probably take you forever to say it.

Knowing Jewel and how he tends to procrastinate when he's scared or freaking out over things? Yeah, we'll be here for another three weeks.

I can't keep this quiet anymore though. I mean it's only been like, a little over a week since I had this central realization and that is already far too long to keep it bottled up.

It doesn't sound like it's a bad thing.

It isn't. I'm just freaking out because it's... it's such a significant thing.

All right, let's put it this way. You don't want to say this 'central realization' yet, so at least tell us what branches off from it.

Well, there's where we think you actually came from, how, and what you are, for one.

...What, you seriously figured that out?

Yeah. You know, let me start there, because the other three points tie into the central point directly. Uh... Chaos, you're listening, right?

Yeah, of course. I'm just a little concerned about this.

Concerned how?

That it's... that it apparently "turned your world upside down," and it involves me. And you haven't told me yet.

I know. I'm really sorry that I haven't, but I wanted to make absolutely sure that this was even possible before I so much as hinted at it. And insanely enough, it's apparently possible.

The part about Chaos?

And about you. It all ties together. But as I was saying, you know how a while back, we were trying to figure out if you were a walk-in or something, because you just showed up in that dream without so much as a notice or explanation? And all the other headvoices up here are personifications of some sort, as far as we can tell?

Yeah.

There was a notice. There was a very big notice, so to speak, and the fact that I completely overlooked it for the past 5 years is ridiculous. Then again, I didn't think it tied in to this topic until about two days ago. And admittedly that's the main reason why I've been freaking out, because I understood it wrong, but after asking several people about it I managed to get my facts straight and now everything makes sense...

All right, Jewel. Seriously. It's 1 in the morning, you're starting to slip channels, and I really want to know what the blood all this is about. Spit it out. What the heck am I?

...You're you, really. You're not a headvoice personification. You didn't come into being because there was a psychological setup that allowed you to form, like Julie, or even like Leon. You came into being because there was a huge shift in my life that I could not possibly get through in my current condition, especially not without guidance. You came into being on your own, as an individual, because I needed someone like you-- no, I needed you in my life... and so did Chaos.

What?

We both needed you whether we realized it or not. You know what my life was like when I was 16, Laurie. If I didn't have you there with me I honestly doubt I would have survived. Actually, I figured this out from those discussions too. This is part of what I said about you... "she was DEFINITELY needed in our lives when she showed up. I'm just very concerned at the events that surrounded and led up to her dream debut, especially since she claims to have no memory whatsoever of existing prior to that date." And the reply I got was that you were apparently a unique entity that was brought into our lives because we all needed each other, pretty much.

...Holy swords. Yeah, that... hold up, what events led up to that dream?

Uh, I don't think I should post that online. I'll discuss it with you afterwards. But does that make sense to you?

Geez, yes. It makes perfect sense to me. So... that was really the first day of my life, then?

Possibly. I know I was always concerned about your memory issues there, how it didn't go any farther back.

Yeah, that was it.

So, um, I have one last question for you if you don't have any comments on that.

No comments except I want to know what the heck led you to realizing all of this.

That's... that's the next thing I'm going to say.

You need to hurry up and say it Jewel, because everyone is going to flip out.

I will. Just... Laurie, when you met me in that dream, did you know who I was?

...Vaguely? I mean I knew I had a role surrounding you somehow. And I wanted to protect you more than anything when I found out what the heck was going on in your head.

But remember you hated me at first.

Because of how you were acting. You know, at heart I  don't think I ever really hated you. I hated what I saw you had let yourself become.

So is that why you picked up my superego role? You just felt you had to do that?

Basically. I had this drive that it was my purpose to watch over you and keep you safe. It was always there.

Well I seriously needed it, I'll tell you that much.

No kidding.

Especially because of me.

Yeah, that's seriously bleeding why. So in some twisted way I guess I have you to thank for my work ethic, heh. I mean, geez.

Uh, you're welcome?

Oh dude, that reminds me, I have to revisit that topic again... shoot, I really didn't want to think about that.

About what?

We'll get to that. Uh... the awareness that we were in a dream, Laurie, was that just there too?

Guess so. It was just obvious to me that it was that sort of reality.

...Can I quote something from a really old conversation of ours? Something that you said?

Sure, go ahead.

"...I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me. "

...That's all true, you know. It never changed.

Well, besides the part about it being a job.

No, I meant a 'job' in the paycheck sense here. When I say it now I mean it's like my life career. Protecting you is what I want to do with my life. So that is exactly what I'm saying here, in different words.

But you see the real problem in there, Laurie. You're not a headvoice.

No, I guess I'm not.

So that changes the second line. "I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care." Right? Or not?

I...

Did you understand what you were saying then, Laurie? What the truth of this really is? Yeah, we thought you were a headvoice, but that thought didn't change a single thing that had happened, and ironically it didn't change the ultimate truth of that statement.

Jewel, what the blood are you saying.

Something happened around the time you showed up in my life that was... it was the only reason you were able to come into my life. And no, you may not be 'part of me' in the headvoice sense, or even a direct sense at all... but there is an undeniable truth that part of the light in me is part of the light in you, and... and I needed you, more than I could ever know. So there you were. And you stayed.

...Jewel, what did you find out?

The big revelation?

Yeah. Tell us, please.

I have to tell Chaos. Specifically.

Then tell him.

...All right, uh, Chaos?

Yeah?

Seriously, this is huge. I guess I have Laurie to blame in part for this too, because like I said, she's the only reason I realized it. Which is hilarious because in a way I think we both suspected this but, like I said, uh, there was no way to know for sure, until the coincidence wave and all the work I've been doing in trying to figure this out came together. Laurie, can you help stabilize me or something? I am really nervous and I don't want to start slipping because it's early in the morning on top of that.

I'll do what I can.

Thank you. Um...

Jewel, is it really that hard for you to say?

Yeah. Yeah it is. Only because it's so unusual and significant.

Slip up, Jewel. Just offhandedly mention it.

I can't do that, Genesis.

Then think of what I said earlier!

...

Jewel?

...Chaos, you know how... all right, I apologize if this seems like a really weird analogy, but you know how I've always felt such a strong connection to the Nier videogame? How I just kind of... resonate with it?

Yeah.

Uh... I am... I am actually more like Nier than I ever thought possible. But that's only half of this and the other half of it is why I'm having trouble and I really just need to say it.

Jewel, calm the heck down, and say it.

...Chaos, Xenophon is ours.

...You're kidding.

No. I am most definitely not kidding.

...Holy bleeding hearts.

Yeah, Laurie, you were right. And also what kind of an exclamation--

A good one. The only possible response to what I just heard.

I... how?

I spoke to several people online, who are part of a community for those like me who have spiritual relationships. Apparently it's not unheard of for those in these relationships to have spiritual children. However, the vast majority of those relationships were still very typical, especially in terms of how the children came about. The community had never heard of a case like ours, but after filling in the admins on our situation I was told that, yes, apparently it's possible, and... hold on, I really want to quote what she said to me.

Please do, we all need to hear this.

Okay, this was her exact reply, about Xenophon: "I would not consider the child you describe (Xenophon) as an adoption -- seems like a union of you two, somehow, though I lack any way of explaining it myself." See apparently it's not impossible for guys to have spiritual kids. So Braeden was actually spot on in calling me Gaia, but that's... actually that is extremely relevant to this situation, oh my gosh. But the group wasn't familiar with entities just 'showing up' as the result of a spiritual union, and they had never heard of anything like Xenophon, where they actually showed up in an embryonic state because there was no way for them to be carried of course. So yeah, long story short, we're both fathers, I freaking love you, and I hope that's not too much info at once but I think it's amazing and I am seriously thankful that this happened.

...That... wow. I... how did...?

January 16th, apparently. "If I'm ever blue." That was the first time in a long time, at least two years, that we had actually connected spiritually... and although it wasn't as insane as, say, August 16th, there was so much purpose behind it, and I cannot deny that.

Oh my gosh.

I told you!!

I bloody knew it. That's incredible.

Jewel, we... I think we need to talk about this by ourselves.

Why?

No, I'm not upset or anything, I swear. I'm just... yeah, when you said it turned your life upside down you apparently weren't kidding.

In a good way?

In the best way.

Wow.

So you understand why I absolutely flipped out over the fact that you actually tried to kill my spiritual daughter/son back in March.

...Yeah. Yeah, I didn't... I had no idea he was yours.

I didn't either, but... well, now we know.

Jewel I don't know whether to freaking stand here in abject shock or hug you to death.

Well I am definitely for the latter as you've never done that before and I would not mind at all.

...Wait. Wait wait wait. Jewel, you said this tied into Laurie's situation...?

Yeah. That's why I was freaking out at first. See, Laurie, you showed up almost exactly 36 weeks after Chaos and I got 'married' in 2005. And, uh... I actually had physical symptoms when I was 16. That was probably because it was our initial complete connection and that is extremely significant. But no, you are not our kid, which would be insane. Like I said, you truly showed up as a unique entity brought into our lives through that initial energy connection. Which is actually incredible.

...Yeah, I... it really is. Wow.

Exactly. And I think it's another interesting coincidence that you and Xenophon are both violet. Just saying. And, uh, although March 13th was only 8 weeks from January 16th, which explains Xenophon's initial appearance, it's kind of uncanny that March 13th of next year is 36 weeks from June 29th. Yeah.

...All right, that is one too many numerical coincidences. How the HECK is all this lining up?

You tell me, Laurie. It's almost overwhelming.

No kidding. That is insane.

Jewel, you have like two more topics.

Oh, yeah. Um... is everyone... recovered from that initial shock? I'm sorry, I just--

I'm fine, I am freaking fine. Man. I don't know about Chaos though.

Believe me, I am not taking this badly at all.

Seriously?

Seriously-- Jewel, for heaven's sake you're my other half. How the heck could I possibly react badly to this? Yeah, it's incredibly sudden and... REALLY significant, but geez, it's just... I guess this must be what July 7th felt like for you.

How so?

Just... how you were so impacted by it. I had a different sort of impact. You just... I don't know, it--

Creating something together, right?

...Exactly. That is... that is exactly what I'm talking about.

Well... apparently we did.

That is absolutely amazing.

But... I need to change the mood for a minute, and I'm terribly sorry for it, but I was wondering if... I was wondering what you'd have to say about... October, in light of this.

...Oh man, you're serious.

Yeah, since that wasn't a Link problem I think there was something deeper and darker going on. ...Your interpretation was literal, Laurie.

...I...

Julie, don't hate yourself for this, please. We can't do anything about that now.

...You're talking about the bloody abortions, aren't you. The graves.

Yeah.

...Kid, I don't even know. If the hacks were really destroying you that badly inside, then...

I'm sorry. I just wanted to clarify that now, in light of this realization...

I'm the one who's sorry, Jewel. This wasn't your fault.

Julie?

God, I've been such a bitch! How did I...

Julie, listen. I... we'll deal with this. Please don't tear yourself apart over this.

Why didn't I ever think about what I did?!

You couldn't have. No comprehension.

No empathy. I was...

'Was' is the key word, Julie. Remember what I said earlier. That still applies here.

...How??

It just does. October was in the past. Who you were then is in the past too. We can't change that, we can only learn from it and move on. We all suffered horribly during that time, and you were no exception. So please don't damn yourself for it.

I'm going to have a h-hard time not doing that, Jewel.

I know.

...Jewel, do you want me to mention the last point really quick?

I guess. Which one is that?

How you want me to start teaching Xenophon how to ghost in this reality too. So she can follow you around and live a good and full life, like you said.

That would be awesome.

Plus I really think all of us should have a hand in taking care of hir. I mean, Lynne watched over hir when I was struggling to even deal with myself earlier this year, and I know you've spent some time with hir too, Laurie.

Yeah, I have. I'll definitely be spending a heck of a lot more time with 'em now, that's for sure. Also what the heck pronouns do we use?

Well I did ask Xenophon last week and ze really doesn't have a preference, being genderless. So I guess we can each use whatever is most comfortable for us? I'll ask again.

I am still absolutely reeling from this.

You know, Chaos, I find it kind of hilarious that neither of us is going into this blind.

How so?

Well, you've been the Guardian of the Chao for most of your life, and I have a couple hundred headchildren to take care of on any given day, so hey.

You two are a match made in heaven if I've ever seen one.

Laurie, come on.

It's the honest truth.

Makes sense that she'd be such a raging fangirl of us now, actually, with what you said.

Hey, it does!

And Genesis is a raging fanboy, from what we've seen here today.

I am!!

I should've known!

So how the heck are you going to write this into Parnassus, Gaia-boy?

Easy. You and Xenophon hold the next hierarchy slot under blue and red. Divine messengers.

Holy swords. I'm in Parnassus?

You are now.

Don't worry, I'll show you around!

I'm sure you will, geez. Also, how the heck does Genesis fit in there now?

He's got his own special role. I'll leave it at that.

I'm an earthly guy though. No cosmogony for me.

Well, maybe not directly, but remember the question you asked that caused my slipup earlier today.

...Duuuude you were SERIOUS??

Yes, and can I just say that hearing you say that was hilarious?

Yes, um, wow.

Hey, the Greek deities would interact with normal mortals surprisingly often if you think about it.

All right, wait. What was this question?

Genesis and I were talking to each other and I was saying how much I missed having him in my life like he is now, with hanging around me instead of keeping to himself. And that eventually led to him asking if he and I were ever going to... well, 'finish' the minor soul connection we had when I was about 16. And without thinking, I replied, "I would, but I don't want to accidentally end up with more kids from that, because Chaos and I practically have two already." Cue the amazing "WHAT" response.

Then you changed it to one and a half because Laurie isn't your kid.

Yeah. Sorry Laur, but you're a fraction.

Pff, I really don't care what I'm counted as right now, now that we have the important things settled out.

Oh, and Apollo is apparently in a blackmailing mood because he just started playing "Remember" by BT.

Oh dear Lord.

...The version of it where I lowered the pitch.

And that's even worse.

Your computer is a maniac.

Maybe, but you have to admit the little coincidences like this are pretty brilliant.

Hey, Julie, are you going to be okay?

...Eventually. I hope.

Laurie, can you get the other headvoices to help her out, please? I need to close this up and get some sleep, desperately. And then tomorrow we, uh, kind of have to adjust our lives to match.

I do not mind at all.

Same here, man. Not much to adjust, amusingly enough.

So do you want me to take Julie out now and get her situated, or what?

Yeah, and Genesis, go check on Xenophon while she's doing that. I want to have at least a small followup conversation with everyone after I close this up if possible, but I want to make sure Julie is okay first.

I'll settle her down. If not then Lynne's good at getting that done.

All right. Thanks, Laurie.

No problem at all. I'll see you in a little while, kid.

Yeah, inevitably. I love you too, Laurie.

Heheh, no kidding.

Okay, I'm going to go follow her so goodnight.

Genesis, darling, you're going to talk with us later too.

Yeah but you might be half asleep by then. So I'll say goodnight now!

Haha, okay. Good night, sweetheart.

You too! Don't stay in here too late or I will come and get you.

I won't. Promise.

'Kay, see you!

Well he was unusually excited about all of this.

Unusually? Are you kidding? The guy's my muse and your moirail. He was going to flip out.

I guess so.

...Sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner.

No, no, it's perfectly okay. Really it is. That must have been hard for you to deal with on your own, though.

A little bit. It did help to have that online community to ask about this, seriously, or otherwise I don't think I would have been able to really figure this out at all. And accidentally telling Genesis about it this afternoon did help because I got to discuss... geez, basically this entire conversation beforehand.

At least you're calmed down from the past few days.

Oh, definitely. I was just... shaken up, because it was just... I had never even considered that to be a possibility. Ever. But like I said, once I played Nier I just... I wanted a daughter. I honestly did. I had never wanted kids ever before in my life, and I actually still don't, in the biological sense, but...

But we were never really on the red level anyway.

Not at all. We're ultraviolet, dude, remember?

Ironically.

Heh, kind of! But... it made me really nervous at first, because geez, that is a huge revelation in any case. And our case is weird, so that was almost completely overwhelming for me. Gay interspecies spirit alien kids, I mean come on.

Hahaha, that's a nice way of putting it!

It's true, though! True and awesome. I mean I am just floored by the fact that we apparently... you know... we actually created something. The right way.

Together.

...Yeah. That's the most important part.

I love you, Jewel, I really do.

I know. And I honestly love you more than words can ever hope to express.

Then find a new way to speak, right?

Oh I daresay I am fluent in the language of love, and there I go with cheesy pickup lines, oh good Lord.

I'm still partial to the one you used on me in SI.

The kissing one? Dude that was terrible, I don't know how I got away with that.

It was brilliant, and look who you're talking to.

Hah, yeah, fireplaces and champagne all around.

Exactly!

Oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my mother and I are going to a big spiritual expo thing this weekend.

Nice.

Yeah, but, the reason we're going is because I told her about you and Laurie one day and it triggered one of our huge philosophical conversations-- I think I told you about that one, didn't I? In glissando?

You probably did. I know you've been talking to her a lot about that sort of thing lately.

Yeah, so... I'm just laughing because, dude, she knows about our general situation, but how do I even come out with this sort of thing to her?

Aha, I have NO idea. But at this point she could probably take it.

No kidding! "Hey mom, you know how I'm a genderless demiguy asexual soulbonder plural system and all that? Well, uh, you know that blue dude who I've been with since 2003? Well... we've kind of been 'married' for six years now, and we actually had a nonbiological kid that I didn't know about until last week. Yeaaah."

Forget your mom, try the Sonic fandom.

Oh good LORD dude I am not even going to try explaining this to half of those people.

Hahaha!

They'll have to settle for SI. That's it, that's all you get.

Although we do have some shenanigans in there too.

Well of course, this is us we're talking about. Shenanigans are inevitable.

What about the flipside of that?

Every night, green eyes. Every freaking night.

Can I take you up on that offer?

Dude you can just take me at this point, I'm not even joking.

I daresay I already have, love.

No kidding. I swear, Chaos, you light up my entire life. As cliched as it sounds you seriously do illuminate me, entirely.

I know. Believe me, I have read what you've written about me.

Seriously. Every time I'm in a deeply inspired mood I end up writing about you.

You put every attempt I've ever had at writing to glorious shame, Jewel.

I think something poetic is going to result from this, inevitably. We'll see.

Poetic in which language, may I ask?

That depends on whether you want to hear or feel what I have to say.

I'm up for both.

Then you're getting both.

Should I close this up, then?

Go right ahead, love.

...Are you catching sparks?

Why don't you come over here and find out?

Oh you are definitely catching sparks.

Can't help it, Chaos. Not with you.

...Can I ask you something?

Anything.

Do you have enough fire for an ocean in that heart of yours?

Chaos, of course I do... that's why it's there.