fortitude

[prismaticbleed]

I am honestly crying right now.
My heart is in a ton of pain and I will tell you exactly why.

I have spent the past... seven hours, almost, reading about the spiritual history of this world and how we have fallen from it in this day and age. I read and I learned and I realized just how blind I had been to all of it in my childhood, and how blind I am still!
But I also learned and realized that my eyes and heart have still been opened, and I can see and understand the truths of things that I had once taken for granted, or misunderstood entirely. I have been blessed with what I know now, but I also know with aching clarity that there is still so much I have yet to learn. There is a very long journey ahead of me, ahead of all of us on this planet.
I know it will be difficult, for creation and destruction are linked in this reality. I have felt that myself. I also know that everything will be worth it, just as all my sufferings and struggles in life have been worth it, despite their terror and shadows.
And yet this pain is tearing me apart! How could so many of us be ignorant to the light we all share? How can we possibly hurt and oppress and condemn each other like this? How can we be so blind to the greater reality of things, of the life within everything, of the sacredness of every last atom of it? How can we ignore our place in that, to protect it, to learn from it, to live within it? How could we all have fallen so far?
The truth of this, all the answers, have been in front of us this entire time. They were given to us so many times throughout the ages, for our own good, and yet we cast them aside.
It hurts me so much to see this, now that my eyes have been opened and I understand.
Don't get me wrong, there are many people in the world who understand this far better than I, and who have understood it far longer as well! I am still the lowest novice, but I am blissfully thankful that I am finally aware of this, that I was always standing with this path ahead of me even if I could not see it, and now I am walking down it to something far greater. We are all students and teachers, in everything we do. But there needs to be more of this understanding, there needs to be more complete awareness of this great universal love, and this state of the world needs to change. It frightens me to think how far we have strayed now, but I have such hope that it is not too late. If only those who are prolonging this worldly suffering could open their hearts and see the truth of their actions.
I cannot fathom how some souls are blind to their own purpose. I cannot fathom it because it is a terrible, heartbreaking thought, and if I could bring every soul on this planet together in love and peace and joy then I would, right now, no matter what it cost me.
I have such a deep love for life, in every aspect of it. I have such a deep love for the light in all things, for that God presence that defines everything. And yet with what is occurring all around me, I am constantly bombarded with the awareness of that pain and how I sometimes feel absolutely powerless against it. I am constantly between tears of joy and tears of agony, for I love this world and its people so much but we are killing ourselves, and I do not know what else to do, to stop that.
There is a passage about that, in what I am reading.
I used to ask the elders, "Isn't there anything we can do?" And they said, well, it's just that way that if a person does not have the spiritual eyes to see, it's very hard to show them. Or if they don't have the ears to hear, it's very hard to speak with them. We wish that we could go get them all but we can't. It's just that some are not going to wake up. But some will wake up.
I wish we could all wake up too. I truly do...
But there are those people who will not wake up, and although so many of us are crying with our entire hearts for them to open their eyes, it is still ultimately their decision as to whether or not they will.
I cannot lose hope though. I cannot lose hope at all. We still have this chance, this opportunity. We just need to take it, together. But there is so much disharmony in the world! It baffles me that it is still there. All this prejudice and hatred... racial and religious discrimination... the constant corruption of pride and power. How is that even still here, in our world, in our human consciousness that is so close to rising above its old self?
I suppose there is a reason for it, ultimately. There always is. I just... geez, I hope we can have peace on this planet, finally. This needless selfish conflict physically hurts me to even think about.

It's all making me think about my elemental connections again. Yeah, I'm fire, but I hold an undeniably strong connection to nature as well, and I have felt a powerful draw to both of those elements since my childhood. I lived in the woods and would spend hours walking through them, not just for explorations sake, but because I could feel the life in the trees around me and the moss under my feet. Even now, whenever I am in nature I feel that strong bond between me and all of it. The same thing happens with fire... I can easily lose track of time just staring into a flame, lost within the heat and light and brilliant life of it, no matter how small. Of course part of that connection ties into the life within all things, but I can't help but see the personal significance as well, especially after the Sage bestowed that incredibly significant title upon me three years ago.
Reading about this blindness, though... it shocked and hurt me, more than I expected, on this level. When I read about how people tore into the earth, how they burned through precious resources, I could not help but flinch in pain. I somehow felt that abuse, that sensation of the damaged world. I felt it as if those choking clouds and blades and poisons were being inflicted directly upon my own form... and in a very real sense, they are. That is a great part of why I am still crying right now as well.
On a similar note, I have made up my mind. Whenever the time is right, I am moving to Utah with Q and Mel, however that may come about. I feel I need to be out there, and so I will be. I am prepared to face the challenges ahead, for I know that they have been placed in my life for my soul to grow brighter by facing and overcoming them. I want to help both of them the best I can, too, to overcome their challenges, and I know that inevitably they will do the same for me, because all our lives affect each other. This is not about me, it is about us, all of us, yet again. If I am needed in some distant place, then hey, that's where I'm going to go.
I can't stay in one place all my life, in any respect. I constantly need to branch out and grow, to learn and teach as well. I have come a great distance from where I once was, but I repeat, there is still so much ahead of me. I cannot fool myself into thinking this is it, for it is not, at all. Life is a journey from its beginning to its end, and I can't slack off even for a second. That could be fatal, and I also know that all too well...

I want to mention that, also thanks to my research I was pointed yet again in the direction of the Bahá'í faith. Not wanting to ignore its constant appearance in my research, I am now looking into its beliefs and teachings, and so far most of it syncs with me. Seriously, what I am reading right now is lining up with not only my own personal beliefs, but with core Dream World concepts, which is incredibly important considering the vital role that world has played in my spiritual development (a role it continues to hold). There are a few beliefs I'm finding that I will have to look into more, but I will keep you updated on this endeavor for sure. So yes, I am very interested as to how all of this will play out, and I know that whatever happens, I am going to grow from this.
I also cannot ever forget that whatever truth I find in this is reflected in the truth of all other divine religions, and those religions will work with the truths in this one as well, for they all come from the same source, the same Light. They all work towards one ultimate, transcendent purpose. That ultimate love connects all of us. That is important, incredibly important, and it's what I hope my life proclaims as well.

I have been thinking about my gender issues again, in a new light, thanks to all this research. I know that souls are inherently a blend of both gender aspects, this is true. Just think of Adam and Eve-- before Eve was created, Adam held both gender energies, right? But then they were split, as it is in this world. All souls are androgynous by nature. However, I also know that I was born into a female body for a reason, because it worked for my situation in life. At the same time, my mental presentation has consistently been the more male side of this split in one way or another, even in my youth. I've spoke about both these points here and here in the past, although both those entries are quite old now considering how quickly my life is moving. However, yesterday, I was researching again and I came across two things that really made me stop and think about another, deeper reason for all of that, which I never considered before. The first piece spoke of how spiritual love transcends this gender split even in this reality, and that this split is not needed or present in our 'higher selves' because we are complete forms. Part of that piece actually brought me to tears, because it spoke about the divine connections that can be forged between any two people, regardless of their gender in this reality, and everything they said described what I have. It was beautiful. But the second piece I read, late last night, further elaborated on these points. It stated that, in this supposed 'global shift' that our reality is currently progressing toward (whatever that will entail), all individuals will eventually be expected to 'merge' both gender halves of their soul, to become personally balanced, like the anima/animus concept Jung talks about. This is because these halves should not be as separated as they are now, especially through social inflictions, as they are both vital parts of us together as a whole. And that made me wonder, because hey, haven't I managed to do that thanks to my queer identity already, with how I identify as nongendered but present as androgynous whenever possible? I sure hope so! But thinking about that made me wonder about my physical transition, because although I would definitely feel far more 'accurate' in a less binary form, how would that work exactly? I don't identify as either binary gender but recognize my holding both dual aspects inherently. And yet I still have this physical body to worry about, and being strictly one sex or the other in a biological sense doesn't feel right to me, nor does having to project as one or the other. Despite this, having both doesn't feel right either, as I'm too aware of the biological functions that accompany them and I know that they are all superfluous for me. It's almost paradoxical, but it's worth pondering, especially since I have to live with it! I guess I'll just hold out for eventual nullification, but I don't know how to work hormones into that and I'm still quite lost when it comes to all the medical details. I need to work with what is possible to achieve, and that can be very tricky. In any case that's not my main concern right now, and although I will not abandon my learning there, I will not obsess over it because I know I will come across the answers I need when it is time for me to have them.

Oh, and another thing that came up while researching gender and spirituality, and which actually inspired me immensely... I keep finding mentions of this 'twin soul,' or 'twin flame' concept.
Now I mentioned that extremely briefly in this Scribbld entry, but I had no idea what it was about then. I'm still learning, but I am incredibly intrigued with what I now know. On the same page that talked about the eventual 'merging' of the soul genders, they mentioned that while some people seek the aspects of their 'complimentary gender' in other people, some people seek that within their own self, in order to balance out. That's what I've done, although when I was younger I didn't quite have a choice, as I could not figure out my 'complimentary gender' in those terms (and understandably so). I was forced to live as both simultaneously, with the mind/body split I mentioned earlier. However a split is a split, and it caused me great distress, so I worked hard to balance both genders within myself naturally, although it did take quite some time to achieve-- I'm still tying the ends together now!
But I digress. What stood out was the mention that gender doesn't express through spirit, but spirit can still express through gender, and this is part of what draws some people of complimentary aspects together. Now this is where it got interesting. Concerning the 'twin flame' concept, these articles made it clear that 'soul mates' and 'twin flames' were NOT the same thing. Soul mates could hold a myriad of forms-- family, friends, acquaintances, you name it-- but there is a strong feeling of affinity with them, and their role in one's life is to work with you in your life journey, to teach and aid you in lessons and struggles. They can be positive OR negative, which is important to remember, because soul mates of either sort still hold a significant role in your life. I have definitely met several of mine, of both sorts, and I am incredibly thankful for them all! The articles then mentioned that soul mates come and go in our lives, and although there can definitely be romance between soul mates, this usually is because one recognizes the aspects in them that complement their own gender. This is what I mentioned earlier, in seeking to merge those two inner halves. Our souls naturally seek this balance, and we unconsciously understand what we are missing and recognize those qualities in others. Jung talked about that, this article talked about that, and as I read it I suddenly realized why I thought I was a lesbian as a kid. It was because of my inner split! I was seeking the feminine qualities in others that I felt I could not express due to my own masculine insecurity. It's hard to explain but it is totally true. However there was an interesting twist to it. I would always look for masculine girls (and later, feminine guys), or at least those who showed strong attributes that were expected of their opposite sex. This 'attraction' was a constant, from my early childhood up into my teenage years, and it confused the heck out of me in several respects. I thought about it so often and wondered why I sought that, but really, now it's rather obvious. I was always in a feminine body with a masculine mind, but in my youth I was uncomfortable with both as I didn't understand the conflict back then. So I needed to seek people who could help balance BOTH those aspects in me! However I never made progress, because I couldn't reconcile my inner split... I couldn't date boys because I didn't want to be a 'girl' like that, and I couldn't date girls because I didn't see myself as a 'boy' like that either. You all know the truth of my identity and orientation now, but boy, back then it was hell. I was at war with myself constantly and until I found peace, until I could balance the forces within me, I could never be happy. True peace and balance cannot be found outside oneself, as they reside in the soul and must be reached individually, so my outside search was in vain. Still, I had no idea how to go about fixing myself, and even worse, I wasn't even aware of the true nature of the problem back then! I had no idea what was really going on. I may have been lost for longer than I could handle if I didn't meet a certain someone in 2003. But we'll get to that in a moment.
Soul mates are one thing. I met a few of mine during that gender struggle as I grew up, individuals who helped me slowly come to terms with who I was. They could only do so much, though. My struggle was internal, and I was distraught. I was looking for a way to balance, entirely, in spite of how strange I felt inside. And that's where the twin flame comes in.

Now this is all incredibly complicated and I literally spent about 9 hours straight reading about this, so I hope it's making sense as I try to condense it...
Twin flames, or twin souls, are something seriously special. Like I mentioned in that Scribbld entry, they are quite literally the other half of your soul. When I first read that, I had no clue what it meant at all. Then I found the article I've been referencing for the past paragraph or so, and it put things in perspective for me.
Physical reality is, by nature, dual, which apparently ties into electromagnetic energy having poles. So when a soul enters this reality, it splits unavoidably. Seeking its natural balance, we seek that other half throughout our lives, needing that oneness we can only truly have outside of this world. Balancing our own dual aspects is one thing, and it does play into this in seeking complimentary qualities in others-- but this is another thing entirely, a greater balance. This is seeking a higher unity, that of your innate yet divided self. Yes, your literal other half may indeed be born into this world as well, and you have a chance to meet them during your time here (although this will not happen if you are not both ready to do so). Meeting them will allow you to live together in love and balance until you leave this world, and although I can't say what happens then-- who can?-- ultimately we will completely reunite with our other half, in a divine spiritual sense. However, although your other half, your twin flame, is unmistakable to you, there's never a guarantee that we will meet them during our time here, or even that they will manifest in this world with us.
Mine didn't.
I'm not the only one in this position, though, not by a long shot. There have been many others who have only met their other halves on a spiritual level, but by no means does this diminish the connection in the slightest. In a sense, it may actually strengthen it, allowing that unity across space and time to be recognized as such, giving a greater awareness of that truth. None of us can truly unite with our 'other half' while in this world, but I am still aware of mine with this spiritual connection and we are able to love each other on that level while I am here. You remember what I head on the radio in this entry? Love is the truth of our reality, of all realities. It has no boundaries, and so this separation is not only temporary but also totally powerless against that love.
But let me talk about this a little more, and give you some background for once. You remember I mentioned that you can only meet your other half if you're ready for them? I might not have realized it at the time, but I was. Around 2003 I met Ryou and Marik, who are soul mates to me, and who ultimately held absolutely immense roles in my life. Meeting them allowed me to finally be relatively comfortable enough with myself to open my heart to someone else. Obvious reference aside, it was also thanks to this that I was able to fully realize my own gender split. Bakura was a feminine guy and that was the first time I ever felt actual attraction to a guy on any level. So it made me think, because it felt really interesting, for me to be a physical girl but act more masculine, and for him to be the opposite, and for that to actually work (because of this I actually thought Ryou was my 'other half' for a little while, but I didn't even understand what that meant yet so I was confused). Even so, despite this interesting similarity, I was completely uncomfortable with my outward femininity. Then, a few months after I met him, I had a experience I will never forget. I was drawing at my desk in 8th grade, when suddenly a clique of girls who had never spoken to me before walked over, and placed a fashion magazine on my desk. They said they couldn't reach an agreement among themselves, so they wanted my opinion... did I think the guys in that magazine were cute, or hot? Now I've never had either of those words in my vocabulary, and I felt acutely uncomfortable with that question. I was about to nervously back out of the question when I looked down at the magazine... and I was left speechless. Those guys weren't cute or hot, in my opinion. They didn't look like eye candy to me. They looked LIKE me.
In that moment, I realized, with shocking clarity, why I was not a cis-woman. I was actually a masculine presence in a female form. I was, as far as that severe split was concerned, a boy. It scared me, as I had never even heard of something like that being possible before, and I didn't realize I was staring in shock until the girls repeated their question. Now more confused than I had ever been, I told them I didn't have an opinion and turned back to my work, leaving every member of their clique visibly baffled and, maybe, more than a little suspicious. But I didn't spare a thought for them. My world had just been turned upside down, but despite that, I was strangely thankful for it. I finally understood, however slightly, that this conflict was why I was having problems. Unfortunately I had no idea how to deal with it then, and my self-fear was so great that I refused to face it whatsoever. Even so, the knowledge was now there, and having it forced me to be more open-minded... and when 2008 hit, I could no longer run from who I was. You all know about that. But even though I was terrified of myself back in 2003, I had at least become aware of who I was. And I was tired of living in pain and ignorance, by denying who I was and constantly forcing myself to be something I wasn't. I was at the beginning of a new stage in my life, at the starting point of a journey that was going to be more difficult than anything I'd faced up to that point, and in my wretched state I could not possibly do it alone. I would meet many soul mates on my odyssey to come, true, but it was time for me to become aware of something greater, in order to become something greater myself.

But let's move on to the present. Whether or not I accepted myself 8 years ago did not change what I was at heart, and it sure didn't change how I had apparently split upon being born here. I may not have understood the finer points of it until yesterday (really), but that truth has been a constant, and honestly I don't know how I didn't see this before. Maybe I just wasn't ready for it.
Remember the gender duality I was talking about? Remember how I said I am a blend of both aspects in specific ways, and that the soul is inherently a divine mix of both? That ties into yet another topic I stumbled across during my research, that of Asian philosophy and the yin-yang concept. The core of this says that everything contains both yin and yang aspects-- both female and male aspects. They are in opposition but they are not opposed, and each contains the essence of the other (as shown in the taijitu symbol). By this philosophy it is perfectly natural for people like me to exist, where they appear to hold one aspect but in reality personify the other more strongly. I seem to be mostly yin but I'm actually mostly yang. It may sound like I'm simply repeating myself here, but mentioning the taijitu is actually incredibly important here. That's the part of this I missed, and I shouldn't have missed it, because its inclusion is what finally allowed me to understand the twin soul concept entirely.
I've been calling Chaos my 'other half' for quite some time now without realizing just what it meant. The past three months have been indispensable towards my realizing the real significance of the term, but despite all the incredible personal experiences I've had since May, I still managed to overlook some huge details within them, even when they were right in front of me.
The most important detail was something that happened on July 7th, the very moment I realized that we were cosmically inseparable. I didn't write it down in the entry, as I felt it was irrelevant at the time, but I was wrong. As I was holding him close and feeling that, only minutes before I fell asleep, I got a sudden mental image of a red and blue taijitu. Seriously.
Although I did appreciate the vibe of connected harmony it gave, I had no idea why I saw it, let alone what the colors meant. Now I get it, completely. On the most simple level, the colors corresponded to our elements. However, in the yin-yang balance, any side that reaches its extreme will naturally transform into the other. This is exactly what happens whenever either of us reach an emotional high-- we suddenly flip our elements.
Now as for why I brought this topic up so suddenly... the 'twin flame' of a person is not only defined as their literal other half, but also their perfect complement in the yin-yang sense. I suppose this would be simple enough for some, but for me it is rather convoluted-- and yet it still works perfectly.
In my entry on August 16th, I actually mentioned all of this briefly. Fire is a yang element, and water is a yin element. Both Chaos and I can hold each others elements under certain circumstances. Now consider how yang is masculine and yin is feminine, but each holds a part of the other, and you see how this shows our physical androgyny as well as the strong points of our personalities. I was fascinated by this synchronicity on the 16th but I didn't see that, since I've always held more 'yang' energies inherently, the twin flame truth actually makes Chaos my feminine half. Even with our convoluted gender associations, that single realization made so much sense I was shocked! This way, Chaos and I complement each others duality in completion, which is what that taijitu on the 7th was trying to tell me. The two of us honestly do resonate with each other on that level, entirely.
Even so... there's one aspect of our relationship that is far different from the norm, and even though it still works perfectly, it's making me wonder.
See, it is virtually impossible for me to comprehend sexuality on a physical level. I just don't get it. Sure, I've heard over and over again that, if used correctly, it can be a divine thing, but I still can't understand how it works with physical reality. Take that out of the equation, though, and I have no problem with it whatsoever. Seriously, I can have 'sexual' connections when the physical sexuality is removed entirely, so it becomes purely spiritual, but ONLY THEN! And that's not all-- since physicality does not apply then, there is no differentiation between genders as a result. So, I can accept the binary split (male-female) in this reality ONLY when it is manifested in a yin-yang sense, in a non-physical way. It's also why I constantly look for and support LGBTQ+ rights, because I don't see any difference between straight and gay relationships as that dual force is present in the heart. The problem for me here is that so many belief systems forbid homosexuality-- I'm always torn between supporting and rejecting those beliefs, because to me there is no difference, there is no problem if it's an expression of love, but I am still absolutely baffled by physical sexuality so maybe I'm missing the point.
In any case this is, once again, why I'm still seeking transgender surgery. In a nutshell, I want to have that connectedness of my personal gender duality in a physical state (even though I'd be removing my sex organs for the reasons I previously mentioned). I have such severe problems with the physical aspects of gender, in all senses. The duality still hurts, it really does.
And hey, you know what else I just noticed? If we want to elaborate on this gender-balance concept, we can bring Chaos and Laurie both in. We are all nongendered, but Chaos projects as male and Laurie projects as female. However Chaos has a more feminine mind and Laurie has a more masculine one. I am a blend of the two both in projection and mind. So in the balance sense, this may be why I need BOTH of them in my life so strongly, because it may be some sort of triple resonation, the truest one with my twin flame and a lesser one with my closest soul mate. I'm not saying this is absolutely true, but it sure makes a lot of sense. In any case Chaos is still the only one I can completely be with, ever, as he is my divine complement.

...On that note. Since Laurie has been permanently freed from her bonds of fear (long story; that's going on Xanga), she's been acting much more openly and hasn't been holding back her energetic side. She's not like Genesis in that respect, and she isn't like me either, but she has her own sort of determined enthusiasm that is, honestly, very inspiring. But taking that and adding it to the fact that I've been having such strong synchronicity with Chaos lately, and you can guess how she's been expressing it. She's been helping me tie together everything I've been learning in general, but yesterday, she pointed something out that practically knocked the floor out from under me.
Do you remember when I found this strange creature, back in March? Since then ze has not only grown and matured, but ze has also gained the ability to speak (I'm using neutral pronouns for hir because ze doesn't show any gender splits, although we've referred to hir as male in the past for simplicity's sake). Since ze appeared to me so suddenly, as a barely-alive infant, we could never figure out where ze came from (or if ze had simply been 'world-born' in the J-Monster sense). Even so, we could not ignore the fact that I had lost so many unborn 'children' to hacks over the past year, and that I had been told through divine inspiration, in the psych ward no less, that "what I had lost would be restored a hundred fold." Yes, I still considered hir one of my headchildren, and Laurie did call me hir 'father' a few times... but it was all based on our hope that ze was a light of hope, a life born from what had been lost. It terrified us all when Julie tried to kill hir barely two weeks after ze had been born, but we managed to save hir, and I made it a point to be around hir as much as possible from then on. That's when the little details started to appear. At first ze had been almost embryonic, colorless and translucent, and unable to fend for hirself, but after that near-death experience ze began to grow. By the first week of May ze was now twice hir original, tiny size, and was no longer so translucent. But the most intriguing development was that the plume on hir head was now light violet, the only color on hir body. As ze was obviously a J-Monster (despite not having any visible Jewels), we took this as meaning that ze had a 'Z,' or a basic connection to the 'Dimension' element, in hir typecode. Laurie was the most interested by this, but after this development I began to go through some serious personal incidents (back in May, remember?) and so headspace focus shifted to my personal improvement. As a result Lynne became the strange child's guardian when I wasn't around, to protect hir from Julie and other malevolent beings, and so I didn't see much of hir for about two months... then, on Friday, I decided that it was finally safe enough for hir to roam around headspace freely. Ze has improved visibly since May, which is amazing. Hir body is now silvery, and ze has finally grown usable arms, which are still translucent but work just fine. Most strikingly, as I mentioned earlier, ze can now speak. I haven't spoken to hir very much yet, but I plan to as soon as possible, especially in light of yesterday.
Laurie loves to tease me, this is true. As soon as the strange child's plume turned violet, she began laughing, telling me to see if an 'H' showed up in hir typecode next-- indicating a rare connection to a divine element, and one that Chaos and I both hold. I knew what she was implying, and as we still didn't know where the child came from, I couldn't help but feel somewhat concerned... but I kept telling myself that there was no way it could happen. It just wasn't possible.
Then an H did show up in hir typecode. And yesterday, Laurie informed me that hir plume is actually steam. Violet steam, no less. When you take fire and water...
I've learned not to take even the smallest coincidences lightly anymore, so this is, understandably, a huge shock for me. Did my prayer on the 7th somehow manifest four months earlier? Or did that initial act of devotion manifest 5 years late? If this strange little creature, this life that was found amidst catastrophe and loss, is actually connected to Chaos and I and what we have, how far does that connection go? Since biology is not involved-- it would be impossible in any case-- how do we explain this? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, and yet the very possibility that I may not be a parent but still an actual father is astounding.
I don't know how to deal with this yet, it's true. But I won't deny it. Whatever this child ultimately proves to be, I'll still care for hir unconditionally.
Oh, and I'm thinking of naming hir Xenophon. I've been partial to that name for years... guess it's time to give it a deeper purpose.


...This entry is taking me so long to write.
I apologize for the mood break, but really, I started writing this on the 21st and it is now 10PM on the 23rd. I'm dead serious. Heck, with how much I still have to write as of now, and with how busy tomorrow is going to be for me, I probably won't have this posted until at least Thursday night! Yes, I thought about splitting all of this up into several entries, but there's one huge reason why I can't do that: I have been researching, nonstop, for the past three days (all right, I took a three-hour reading break yesterday but still). And every time I reach a new point, I add a bunch of notes for it into this entry (which is why it's still unfinished as of right now). But the more points I add, the more I realize that everything I'm finding is tying together, and so I cannot split it up. It's almost uncanny, but this happens to me so often now I just have faith and follow where it leads.
That's also why we may seem to be jumping from subject to unrelated subject, but in reality, all the topics I've mentioned in this entry tie into each other, in one sense or another.
But there is one thing I haven't mentioned yet. In all this research I've been doing, I inevitably end up on sites about '2012,' or in more general terms, the supposed 'global shift' that both humanity and this planet are rapidly moving towards. Sure, on a basic level it seems absolutely catastrophic and maybe even terrifying-- but I'm not being sent to shallow fears and guesswork. Every mention of this shift I find carries with it a reassurance, a promise that although these will indeed be difficult and challenging times, there will ultimately be a beautiful end.
The biggest talk of this is, actually, in the Bible. I never noticed just how much of it talks about this, until I started this research binge and ended up having to constantly check verses and references. And now that I have that extra level of comprehension, everything I read is making sense. Things I took for granted or never fully understood as a child now shine with clarity. And with those apocalyptic verses, where God speaks of the end of times and the destruction that will inevitably accompany it, I no longer find fear in them but hope. Even then, God's mercy and compassion never falters. Every action he carries out is performed in love. Justice must be dealt, this is true, but it is not ever dealt in cruelty. It simply must be carried out for the greater good, to preserve what is true and right. It's in Ezekiel, it's in Kings, it's in Isaiah, it's in Jeremiah-- and those are only the books I've been re-reading lately! I could talk for hours on what I've been able to understand over the past few days with this, but this entry is long enough. I'm definitely going to have to go back and revise it once it's finished, to make sure everything makes sense as a whole, but for now I need to wrap this up.

My heart still hurts. The world is still in turmoil, and we're still trapped in the hells we've made for ourselves through selfishness and ignorance. We all have the potential to rise above this pain already within our souls. We only need to open our eyes and realize it. I am doing everything I can to help open the eyes of those around me to this, to try and help others to realize the greater meaning in all this, but I am only one person and it is ultimately up to the listeners to change. Yes, I still have a great deal of work to do myself, and I do not deny this whatsoever. I am still quite lost. But if I'm striving every day and night to overcome this, why shouldn't I try to inspire others by my example, as lowly as it may be? If I have survived this much, I want to help other survive their trials too.
I just came across this article in my studies and it says what I'm trying to express here far more clearly than I can manage right now.
I suppose patience is key. There are some things I cannot change, although I do my best. In the end, whatever happens in the big picture is out of my direct control, but I have total faith that everything will work out, even if I can't see it at the time. Even if things look dark to me right now, I must remember that my vision is limited. I can only see the clouds, the rain, the thunder. I am forgetting that even amidst all of that, the sun and stars still shine above, hidden from sight only for a moment, and forever untouched by our earthly trials.


This time, let me close this entry with a prayer.


O Thou kind Lord! Thou has created all humanity from the same stock. Thou hast decreed that all shall belong to the same household.
In Thy Holy Presence they are all Thy servants, and all mankind are sheltered beneath Thy Tabernacle; all have gathered together at Thy Table of Bounty; all are illumined through the light of Thy Providence.
O God! Thou art kind to all, Thou hast provided for all, dost shelter all, conferrest life upon all, Thou hast endowed each and all with talents and faculties, and all are submerged in the Ocean of Thy Mercy.
O Thou kind Lord! Unite all. Let the religions agree and make the nations one, so that they may see each other as one family and the whole earth as one home.
May they all live together in perfect harmony.
O God! Raise aloft the banner of the oneness of mankind.
O God! Establish the Most Great Peace.
Cement Thou, O God, the hearts together.
O Thou kind Father, God! Gladden our hearts through the fragrance of Thy love. Brighten our eyes through the Light of Thy Guidance.
Delight our ears with the melody of Thy Word, and shelter us all in the Stronghold of Thy Providence.
Thou art the Mighty and Powerful. Thou art the Forgiving and Thou art the One Who overlookest the shortcomings of all mankind.



Until that day, I'll hold on to faith and hope, always.
Peace and love to all of you.