the spectrum heart cathedral system

We have so many faceless children in the System. It seems like the older we get physically, the "younger" we are inside? We feel more and more helpless and scared and small every day. There is a legitimate part of our mind that is a frightened crying child and s/he keeps crying "i want my mommy" but the instant we imagine any sort of adult female like our mother (long dark hair) the child starts screaming hysterically and runs away in tears. "mommy," she sobs, but she feels so lost, like, what is a mother? I don't think she knows.
"Grandma" is still safe, in memory. ALL the children will run to her instinctively. But... the memories don't match up. There was an phago-paidifoni who kept eating rice pudding last month, because it would immediately transport her into a vivid sensory memory of being in the kitchen or on the porch with grandma, eating homemade rice pudding, feeling safe and loved. The problem is that at some point, she started trying to remember what our grandma actually talked and acted like in those situations, and... it wasn't always nice. That's a fact. Our grandmother could be very critical, and said hurtful things often, even if she didn't mean to. And the phago-paidifoni became so confused and disturbed, because this wasn't what they needed or wanted from her. They wanted to feel safe and loved and comforted, but that was suddenly gone now that this ideal visual was changing to reflect memory. And they disappeared, stopped eating rice pudding entirely, because now it was triggering. It's sad.

Anyway. What would a child want, from a "mother"? That's hard to answer, because the very WORD "mother" brings up immediate feelings of TERROR and PANIC and the urge to FLEE AND HIDE. We can't delve into that right now; it's too early and we will need to recover mentally from this entry the way it is.
But our therapist said, don't ask the System itself at this point. We have too much pain and trauma, we can't see straight. Growing up we never really "had" a mother or father in the "family role" sense. We had a biological mother and father, but neither of them knew how to be parents; they barely knew each other to begin with, and both of them were extremely independent and stubborn, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" types. They weren't home much, worked constantly, and had NO warmth or intimacy or quiet time to give. Our grandparents were the same. So... we didn't have a context of what a "normal family" looks like as a child, and so we couldn't even imagine anything different. Hence why the Spherae never had parental figures in it until we hit college and wrote some in just as "filler." Even so, what would parents act like? We didn't know.
You know how we do know, now? Our faith has told us. We had NO IDEA what a "real parent" SHOULD look like, at ALL, until we really started to commit ourselves to being Catholic. Suddenly, we realized what we were missing. We jarringly became aware of an immense lack in our life, of an "infantile need" that was never met, of a hunger completely ignored and denied until now. THAT'S why we suddenly have "all these internal children" crying helplessly, lost and confused, knowing they need something-- someone-- but not having any idea what to do about it. They're helpless. I emphasize that word, because it defines childhood for us. Powerless, incapable, totally dependent. And... I don't think we were ever allowed to be that historically? Our parents drilled self-sufficiency and excellence and competition and achievement into our brains from the very beginning; we were even pitted against our siblings to "be the best" and nothing ever felt "good enough." The bar was always moved higher. Our mother said "that should have made you try harder!!" but honestly it just made us feel... helpless. We felt defeated before we even started. We internalized a sense of total ineptitude, inadequacy, failure-- we were a disappointment and a letdown no matter what we did. But that's slightly off-topic. The point is, we were never able to just be a child in need. We were expected to do everything for ourself, to be strong and not burden others, to "make our family proud," etc. Somehow this translated to "don't ever weigh other people down with your problems/ whining/ stupidity/ weakness/ etc.," which ultimately boiled down to "you're not allowed to be weak," in any and all senses.
Children are weak, by definition. At least, that's what I've been told now. My brain still "can't accept it." It's not allowed. "They're just choosing to be weak to get something out of people, to manipulate them," like my mother would say. But was I? When "I" was a child, a two-year-old crying from fear or discomfort or hunger or loneliness, and I was weak in that crying, was I actively trying to manipulate my mother out of selfish concern? Or was I just scared and needed comfort and security and... did I "need" it? That's where my mind goes. "You don't really need it. Grow up. Get over it." etc. Children aren't weak, they're just selfish and lazy...
Notice I wouldn't even dare type the word "love." A child needs love. Do they? Isn't it horrible that I instinctively doubt that? That alone says volumes about my upbringing, and the tragic wrecked state of our psyche.

So our homework is to imagine a child in concept, effectively-- "like a character in a story," our therapist said. Like someone in the Spherae. From that "detached" perspective, informed now by Catholic teaching of Truth, what would real parents look and act like? Where does our mind go, instinctively, when it's "safe" to think of such things, from a distance as it were? That's what we need to take time to do.
Notably, I want to mention that it's only within the past two years or so that we've been able TO conceptualize this at ALL, again thanks to our faith. We are ACTUALLY comfortable with referring to the Blessed Virgin Mary AS "mom" now, and regularly do. I think that just started this year, to be honest. She IS "mom," or "mommy," and she hears that term from us a lot during hysterical prayers in times of trauma and terror. But that fact alone is staggeringly significant. In those moments, when we think and feel we are going to die (and in some awful cases, might actually), what do we do? We blindly, desperately, helplessly cry out for mom. And we're not afraid of her. That's HUGE. We used to be, because the way she is portrayed in European/American art IS frightening to us, but in Orthodox iconography our heart recognizes and loves her. So we focus on those images, because "that's our mom's face" and that child-part of our heart clings to that in a way we've never experienced physically or historically. So healing IS happening there. I think that's more important to reflect upon than ANY "imagined" parents even in the Spherae, because after all we'd be defining those characters by what we know or can imagine, and that applicable data is ONLY positive inasmuch as we've received it from Mary. She IS the "mother of all mothers" after all.
Fatherhood is... oddly so much easier. Yeah our dad wasn't around much, but he somehow still embodied a LOT of what we "needed" a father TO be as a child? And yet... there was so much missing that we're only realizing and feeling now that we're older, and are instinctively looking for it, and cannot get it from him. He's never been emotionally or physically close, for one thing. We were reading Father's Day cards in the store the other day and it just... it hurt, so much, to want to say these things to my dad but I couldn't, because he never DID such things. That was like a gutpunch to the soul.
But you know what has been helping us conceptualize real Godly motherhood and fatherhood SO MUCH lately? THE CHOSEN. Oh man that NEEDS its own entry (or fifteen) but for this topic it will suffice to say that the portrayal of the mother and father figures in that series is rewiring our entire brain. It's... it's life-changing, and I don't say that lightly. It's inevitable that such a deeply positive reprogramming of our entire perspective and understanding on this topic WILL change our life-- honestly, it's already motivated us to take extra strong steps to repair our relationship with our mother lately. God is working through that show, in us, visibly and surprisingly so.
But oh my gosh ZEBEDEE. In short, HE is what our soul wants and perhaps needs a "father" to be. He's like our actual dad in a lot of ways, but fills in the gaps too-- I don't know how quite to put it into words yet. But there's a warmth, a sociability almost? Like, he's out there, you can be around him, and he's approachable and... we need that. The sense that you can go to him and he will be strong and honest and supportive and safe. We need that. 
Mother Mary is still our mom, in the show, too. The moments where she takes care of Jesus, even as an adult, like the scene where she just washes His hair... there's a tenderness there that our mother never showed, and we need it somehow. I want to cry, deep down, some part of our soul wants to sob about that, but I don't know why or how.

One last note on this topic before we close up for the morning-- something we've seen mention of in the F/O community is the idea of "maternal and paternal f/o's"??? That's such a... it's a novel concept, to us. Could we ever find a character in media that would somehow personify those ideals our child-selves are seeking? Or could the very searching for such a character be even more valuable, in the process of seeking and therefore recognizing how those characters met or did not meet those needs? We already have the perfect Mother in Mary, and God is our Father, so we don't want to dishonor them by "introjecting" some fictional and imperfect reflection of their very virtues. Furthermore, we don't want any more Outspacers if at all possible. If there are ANY "parents" in the System, they NEED to be Nousfoni. That is CRITICAL. And... we don't have any, except perhaps Sherilyn, but even she shows toxic damage from reflecting childhood mother-understanding, which includes the damaging traits of our mother at that time. So we have to be careful.

This is a heavy but important topic. We will keep revisiting it here and in therapy. We need to review the archives and see what we have written on this in the past-- we don't remember anything. The past two years, although full of eternally meaningful spiritual growth and instruction, have nevertheless, as a result of that honed focus, caused massive memory loss of our historical-personal past. Our sense of self has deteriorated, and the System is barely functioning, except for the thriskefoni and esthiofoni, ironically up to this point. But we're still healing, despite it all. We're doing better by the grace of God. It's war, it will always be war, but Christ is the Victor and the closer we move and stay to Him the better we will be on all levels.

That's it for today, we have daily responsibilities to do. But it's nice to be typing again.
Remind me to upload the smattering of daily notes on our phone, as well as the indispensable "How We Feel" app notes that document the immediate post-hospital crash events. That's very important for our history, and to restore a sense of continuity to our life-awareness pre-Lent, as that too demolished our recollection and identity. Again, warfare. But we soldier on.

Time to fight the good fight in everyday virtue now. Pray for us, as always.

(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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✳ ONLY setting a timer to delay disordered behavior, but NOT immediately REDIRECTING our focus to AWARENESS, only lets the stress "BOIL"? We CANNOT DENY the emotions that come up during this delay/ distraction; only to ALLOW for a time "SPACE" between to LESSEN the INTENSITY!
✳ When we interrupt our behaviors, we notice feelings of FEAR, DISCOMFORT, DREAD, ANXIETY, PANIC, DESPAIR, TERROR, HELPLESSNESS

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS WE WON'T LET OURSELVES FEEL=
FAILURE, GUILT, SADNESS, OVERWHELM, POWERLESSNESS, INTIMACY, SEXUALITY, INCAPABILITY

✳ THESE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS have THREE CHAINED RESPONSES in our disturbed mind =
1. WON'T LET MYSELF FEEL IT;
2. BERATE MYSELF FOR FEELING IT;
3. REACT DESTRUCTIVELY & VIOLENTLY TO IT

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✳ LABELING VS LEGALIZING FOODS = THIS IS HUMBLING & CONCERNING & MOTIVATING, TO REALIZE THAT (AS OF 1025) I AM APPARENTLY STILL LABELING SO MANY FOODS!! THE #1 WAY TO COMBAT THIS IS TO LET MYSELF EAT THOSE FOODS REGULARLY!! DO NOT FEED RESTRICTIVE BEHAVIOR HABITS OR MINDSETS! MOST FEAR ARE ONLY ROOTED IN AVOIDANCE/ NONEXPOSURE. The more we DO try them, the more FAMILIAR/ COMFORTABLE we'll get with them, & become OPEN & ABLE to TRULY ENJOY them!
✳ We STILL have SWEEPING CATEGORIES OF FEAR FOODS (e.g. "ALL cheese, ALL meat, ALL sugar, ALL juice, ALL snack foods) and these are ANCIENT and I'M SICK OF THEM!!! WTF IS THE ROTTEN ROOT KEEPING THESE DISTORTIONS ALIVE??? (they're seen as inherently "unhealthy/ dangerous/ fattening) FIGHT THAT LIE TO THE DEATH. ROMANS 14:2 & 14:14!! HAVE FAITH IN GOD'S GOODNESS IN CREATING ALL FOOD!!!

"What judgments crept into your head as you made your list (of "liked" foods)?"
"Do I REALLY like this food?"
"Is it BAD if I DO like it?"
"Am I ALLOWED to like it?"
"What does liking this food say about my personality/ who I am? Will liking this CHANGE me into someone I'm NOT/ don't want to be?"
"If I DON'T choose this food option EVERY TIME, does that mean I DON'T actually like it/ that I'm LYING?"

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✳ PURGING is a PANIC/ SURVIVAL/ GRIEF/ "WEEPING RAGE" RESPONSE. It seeks EMPTYING-OUT; even EXPECTORATION? "Something BAD/ PAINFUL/ SCARY INSIDE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF ME, NOW!"
✳ TYPICAL TRAUMA RESPONSE. It "FEELS LIKE SCREAMING."
✳ Purging ALSO REQUIRES INTENSE MUSCLE STRAIN/ RELIEF in the ABDOMEN, which is WHERE WE HOLD BOTH "FEAR" AND "INFESTATION/ POISON" FEELINGS

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"SAFETY CRUTCHES" = "NUMB THE PAIN"; like a DRUG (HARMFUL/ ADDICTIVE)
✳ Identify PERSONAL examples; HOW to COMBAT/ CHANGE
ASK: "WHAT INTERNAL PAIN AM I AVOIDING?" (SLC/ CNC TRAUMA; GRANDPARENT DEATH GUILT)
(THE EATING DISORDER IS A SAFETY CRUTCH!!!)

✳ We talk ABOUT our fear TOO much. What DO we deny? EXHAUSTION? TRIGGERS? (THAT'S WHAT WE DID AT RENFAIRE)

SOME POSSIBLE SAFETY CRUTCHES WE HAVE=
● LOTOPHAGOI DISSOCIATION
● ALLERGY PANIC; "IF I EAT THIS IT WILL KILL ME" CONSTANT WORRY
● OBSESSIVE NUTRITION/ DIET/ MACRO/ INGREDIENT RESEARCH
● WEIGHING FOOD? (EXACT, SPECIFIC NUMBERS "OR ELSE")
● OBSESSIVE HANDWASHING; "LADY MACBETH" CURSE FEELING
● "CLEAN" EATING SPACE/ UTENSILS OR ELSE "CONTAMINATED"
● "RIGHT" CLOTHES & TOWELS; "NEED" TO WEAR CERTAIN OUTFITS
● EXACT TIMING & ORDER OF MEALS
● PROCRASTINATING GOOD THINGS? NOT JOURNALING OR LEAGUEWORKING
● LIST MAKING, ESPECIALLY WITH MATH/ CALCULATIONS
● "MEDICATION SHOTS" "JUST IN CASE" (BENADRYL, TYLENOL)
● OVERCOMMITMENT TO HELP OTHERS; "NO TIME TO THINK/ FEEL/ BE MYSELF"
● REFUSING TO BE HELPED? FEAR OF "WRONGNESS"/ THINGS BEING "RUINED"
● CONSTANTLY ASKING FOR REASSURANCE? "AM I DYING?" "DO I LOOK SICK?"
● IMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR, ESP. COMPULSIONS = DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT/ LIKE

✳ I REALLY HAVEN'T "FELT" MY GRIEF AT ALL YET. ANXIETY CRUTCHES INVOLVE CONTROL AND GRASPING? TRAUMA/ FEAR CRUTCHES INVOLVE ESCAPE/ ABUSE ECHOING? (ironically they ALL FEED THE PAIN & PANIC)

"Describe a recent situation where you used a safety crutch to deal with your problems."
ANXIETY = running to stores to buy binge food (normally wouldn't even go outside), making obsessive "diet math" phone lists (for HOURS), keep seeking mom's reply (passive "did I do good?")
GRIEF = flat-out AVOIDED the topic/ REFUSED to look at it/ DENIED my emotion?? (GUILT/ SHAME/ ANGER at grief? "NO RIGHT"/ "YOUR FAULT")
TRAUMA = Turning my actions/ choices into APOLOGIES/ MIMICRY/ TRIBUTES/ RELIVING OF traumatic events; "MY LIFE IS STILL ALL ABOUT/ FOR THEM"; "abandon" self-agency & identity? "TRAPPED" in past; "POWERLESS"
✳ DISASSOCIATION kicks in AUTOMATICALLY every day. You HAVE to PRACTICE MINDFULNESS to "balance" this!

"Describe what you think might have happened had you not used a safety crutch."
I would INEVITABLY have to CATCH THE TIDAL WAVE HEAD-ON. These memories & emotions both WANT & NEED to be ADMITTED, ACCEPTED, FELT, & PROCESSED, but I keep fleeing out of the fear of drowning. HOWEVER, PROGRESS COULD FINALLY BE MADE if we just SIT DOWN & TALK/ FEEL IT OUT AS A SYSTEM!!!
✳ SAFETY CRUTCHES ONLY SEEM TO KICK IN DURING "SINGLET" MINDSETS BECAUSE THERE'S NO CONSCIOUS ACCESS TO THE "SAFETY" OF FAITH/ THE SYSTEM?? (CUT OFF FROM TRUTH/ LOVE!!)

"Did you ever try to stop using one of these safety crutches? What happened?"
YES. The anxiety SPIKES, BUT I NEVER HAD COPING SKILLS BEFORE. So it didn't last. BUT! I would REALIZE that I WAS using a crutch, and often WHY! I just didn't know what ELSE to do because the ONLY REAL OPTION was to ACCEPT REALITY & WRITE ABOUT IT, BUT my environment stressors made me feel like I COULDN'T, because it'd be "OPENING PANDORA'S BOX" and it WOULD change EVERYTHING & REQUIRE that I LIVE ENTIRELY DIFFERENTLY from then on. And we WANTED to, but "WEREN'T READY"?? And I think the eating disorder would've gotten WORSE? Because if we started PROCESSING the trauma FULL FORCE, we would've TOTALLY STOPPED EATING/ SLEEPING when it got bad? We NEEDED inpatient FIRST.


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RELAPSE WARNING SIGNS=
● Skipping meals or snacks ("excess"; "greedy;" "waste of time/ resources")
● Urges to restrict foods you previously enjoyed (GUILT + SHAME response; PENANCE for "LUXURY")
● Over exercising (especially WITH RESTRICTING; motive TO "lose weight" NOT "get stronger")
● Needing to be "perfect" (LOOKS AND BEHAVIOR; fear of SPIRITUAL corruption sign otherwise)
● Increased need for control (See "uncontrolled" body as a THREAT) ("TRAPPED"; "CAGED"; seen as "ABUSIVE")
● Difficulty coping with stress ("SWALLOW" it; tend to "TAKE IN" overwhelm; LOSE "DISTINCT SELF")

MAIN TRIGGERS = SEXUALITY, VISIBLE BLOOD, SUMMER, THANKSGIVING, HALLOWEEN, TRAUMA EVENT ANNIVERSARIES, RUSHING/ NOISE, CROWDS, PEOPLE BEING SICK, TALKING WHILE EATING, EATING IN PUBLIC, CHANTED VOCAL PRAYERS, BEING TOUCHED, FEMININE SMELLS & VOICES, ETC.

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✳ DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPACT PERSONAL/ ENVIRONMENTAL HYGIENE HAS ON YOUR MENTAL STATE!!
When I SKIP it I feel = depressed, dirty, wrong, subhuman, humiliated, want to cry? stuck, forlorn, miserable, powerless, trapped, despondent, etc.!! BODY SPEAKS TO MIND + POOR ENVIRONMENT
When I COMPLETE it I feel = accomplished, clean, clearheaded, refreshed, positive, dignified, comfortable

PROBLEMS=
● I haven't showered in months (outside of inpatient) because of trauma flashbacks/ physical burnout
● I OBSESSIVELY HANDWASH when anxious ("blood on hands")
● When burnt-out, I don't clean the apartment for longer periods of time/ don't wash laundry
● On my worst days I don't exercise and wear dirty clothes for over a week

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING...
✳ Get nonalcoholic mouthwash? Freshness "jumpstarts" desire to feel/BE clean all over
✳ Do ONE tiny thing, like wash your face or wipe the floor. It often gives me enough of a boost to do more.
✳ Leave laundry/ vacuum out where I can see it? "JUST DO IT" push; LAURIE WILL HELP!

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SITUATION THAT TRIGGERED ANGER=
1. Feeling "trapped" by the past because/ when mom keeps bringing it up & asking about it
2. Feeling "doomed" to do Partial aftercare, which requires being ON CAMERA for ~7 hours a day, with nonstop socializing & controlled meals

WHAT I DID=
1. Got defensive/ confrontational, responding coldly/ curtly, blaming her/ exaggerating the negative
2. Cursed, bit myself, yanked out my hair, almost vomited, SEETHED with rage/ fear, isolated myself in hallway

CONSEQUENCES=
1. No dialogue possible. Drives a wedge between mom & I. Hurts her. Corrupts me. Deep regret & shame.
2. Hurt self/ made self sick, didn't fix any problem. Made me feel like I "didn't care about" health? Miserable, scared/ ashamed/ lost.

NEXT TIME, I WILL=
1. Genuinely listen, state my confusion & fear, but also my respect/ TRUST/ love of her & willingness to dialogue/ understand
2. JOURNAL IMMEDIATELY? TALK TO A THERAPIST? And DIALOGUE with social worker? RISK IT ANYWAY?? Don't chicken out!! TRUST IN GOD & PRAY THAT HIS WILL BE DONE, then FOLLOW IT.

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IDENTITY ROLES=
CATHOLIC
ARTIST
MUSICIAN
AUTHOR
"QUEER"
MULTIPLE

IDENTITY QUALITIES=
INTELLIGENT
STRONG
INSIGHTFUL
IMAGINATIVE
COURAGEOUS
JOYFUL
LOVING

I DON'T really identify as DAUGHTER/ SISTER because I DON'T identify as "GIRL"


"ARTIST" IDENTITY
PROS= In tune with my passions & interests; love being creative; value beauty
CONS= Perfectionistic, competitive, "never good enough", "work is never done"
PERSONAL MEANING= Creator of new dreams & joys = speaks truths
SOCIETAL MEANING= Waste of time, meaningless, childish

"MULTIPLE" IDENTITY
PROS= I LOVE US ALL. Self-knowledge. RICH INNER LIFE. Spectrum soul. Deepest self-love. Purest joy.
CONS= TERRIFYING .Trauma cause. Self is "split up." Insane, scary, dangerous. "Broken." Not fit for society.

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BIGGEST "HURTS"=
● Not being TRUSTED to CONTINUE RECOVERY; ASSUME/ "DOOM" ME TO RELAPSE
● "ALWAYS" statements about eating disorder

THINGS I AM AFRAID MOM WILL SAY / MOST TRIGGERING STATEMENTS =
"So are you actually going to follow through on treatment this time, or are you just going to quit again?"
"Are you actually going to eat that or are you just going to throw up?"
"Now make sure you keep it down, I didn't pay for this food for you to waste it!"
"I don't know if I can trust you NOT to relapse"
"That treatment doesn't do you any good. You always go right back to your bad habits. You obviously don't want to get better."
"You look so much more FEMININE"
"You don't look like you're dying anymore! Now make sure you keep that weight on! Don't go right back to throwing up!"
"Well? How long until the hospital high wears off and you go right back to throwing everything up?"
"The treatment had better stick this time, because no one wants to deal with your shit anymore."
"Well, you LOOK healthier, but how long is this going to last before you go right back to your eating disorder?"
"So they fixed your weight, but how much did you hide from them about how sick in the head you are? That's why you can never get better; you never tell your doctors the truth. I think you WANT to stay sick/ you LIKE being sick."


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STRESSORS / TRIGGERS

● RUSHING
● LOUD NOISE
● FEELING HELPLESS
● DIRT/ MESS/ DISORGANIZATION
● CROWDS
● FORCED INTERACTION
● FAST PACED ACTIVITY
● TALKING A LOT
● BAD TEXTURES
● STRONG SMELLS
● "I DON'T KNOW"
● BLOCKED OPTIONS/ UNEXPECTED INABILITY
● SKILL INADEQUACY
● "BACKGROUND NOISE"
● TRAUMA FLASHBACKS
● BEING OUTSIDE AT NIGHT
● SUMMER HEAT/ SMELL
● "INTERIM PANIC"
● BEING PULLED INTO CONVERSATION
● BEING REFERRED TO BY NAME
● GENDER DYSPHORIA
● CERTAIN VOCAL SOUNDS
● FEELING ILL/ SICK/ "WRONG"
● ALLERGY PANIC
● STOMACH PAIN
● BEING LOCKED IN A ROOM
● CREATIVE SUPPRESSION
● OTHER PEOPLE PANICKING
● CHANTING
● BEING TOUCHED
● EATING AROUND OTHERS
● "I DID SOMETHING WRONG"
● BAD WEATHER
● WHINING/ COMPLAINING
● RUSHED SCHEDULES/ SUDDEN CHANGES
● NOT KNOWING THE DATA/ ANSWER
● UNRESOLVED PROBLEMS/ NO SOLID ANSWERS
● FAST DECISIONS
● NOT BEING ABLE TO FOCUS
● HAVING TO BREATHE SLOW/ HOLD MY BREATH
● PEOPLE STARING AT ME
● TELEVISIONS LEFT ON
● "TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF"
● "WHATEVER YOU WANT"
● CRYING
● FEELING UNSAFE/ TRAPPED/ LOST
● "SILLY" BEHAVIOR
● TRAUMA ENVIRONMENTS
● "HURRY UP"
● UNCLEAR/ NO INSTRUCTIONS
● FEELING LIKE I CAN'T BE "MYSELF"
● EVERYTHING ROMANTIC/ SEXUAL


✳ INTENSITY OF STRESS RESPONSE STACKS ON TRAUMA + "DISCONNECTION"
✳ STRESS BOILS OVER QUICKLY INTO ANGER = STRESS IS FEAR
✳ STRESS FOR ME TYPICALLY ISN'T A "SLIDING SCALE." IT HITS IN WHAT FEEL LIKE TOTAL EXTREMES. IT ALL FEELS LIKE A SNOWBALLING EFFECT TO DISASTER. "NEVER JUST ONE"; TRAUMA RESPONSE

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"Insult the cake" mental flexibility assignment= meant to abstractly reveal what we think of AS insulting/ deserving OF insult

"You have too many layers"
"All that icing is so excessive"
"I wouldn't want to eat purple stuff, that's gross"
"You look like you came from a little girl's birthday party" (i.e. "GROW UP")
"You'll go straight to my hips"
"You're sickeningly sweet"
"I don't eat carbs, sorry"
"Sugar is poison, so no"
"I have no room for dessert"
"What do you think you're celebrating?"
"I don't like cake"
"Dessert is a hedonistic luxury"
"You have no nutrition to offer me"
"You don't count as real food"

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PROS/ CONS for CRISIS URGE = BINGE/ PURGE!!! THAT is the MOST DANGEROUS and the one we NEVER WANT TO GIVE IN TO EVER AGAIN!!

PROS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "Stops"/numbs the panic/anxiety attacks
● "Uses up time" that is unscheduled (chaotic)
● Opportunity to think/ listen to ICC lectures
● "Enjoy" food/eating; feel "satisfied"; "fun" (picking)
● "IGNORE/FORGET" the present moment stress?

CONS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "HELL NIGHTS," E.R. TRIPS, BETRAYING GRANDMA
● PERMANENT, possibly FATAL BODY DAMAGE
● WASTES TIME, MONEY, FOOD, LIFE (BAD STEWARD)
● ABUSES body and DISHONORS GOD
● Feeds vice/ starves virtue; CORRUPTS VALUES
● TRAUMATIC forcefeeding/ sickness/ vomiting
● DEATH, DESTRUCTION, DESPAIR

PROS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● KEEP NUTRITION/ BODY UNHURT/ GET TO REST
● NO WASTING; grow in DISCIPLINE & RESPONSIBILITY
● Grow in STRENGTH OF WILL, PATIENCE, COURAGE, ENDURANCE
● TIME to do GOOD & CREATIVE things; LIVE MY VALUES
● STRENGTHEN virtue & body; preserve DIGNITY
● LIFE/ HOPE/ HEALTH/ COURAGE/ WISDOM

CONS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● Need to ENDURE crippling panic/ fear/ anxiety
● May feel nauseous/ sick/ overstuffed/ in pain
● May feel hungry/ unsatisfied; child "crying" protest
● Must find ways of RELAXING/ ENJOYING; NOT GUILTY
● No "rest or relief" from physical suffering


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PROS/CONS for "EATING ALL OF THE CHALLENGE ENTREES; NO CHANGES TO MENUS"

PROS =
● COMMITTED TO 100%
● FACE CONSEQUENCES MANFULLY
● "I WON'T RUN AWAY"
● SET GOOD EXAMPLE
● TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MISTAKES
● GET TO FACE ALL THE FEARS
● SEE JUST HOW I WENT WRONG
● "I CAN'T CHICKEN OUT"

CONS =
● TORTURE/ SELF-ABUSE
● BINGE BEHAVIOR; HUGE PORTIONS
● FEEL LIKE AN ANIMAL; "DEHUMANIZED"
● MAKES FEAR FOODS EVEN SCARIER
● TERRIFIED/ MISERABLE FOR THREE DAYS
● HIGH VOLUME MEALS INEVITABLE
● WILL BE STORMED BY FLASHBACKS
● MISS OUT ON SIDE OPTIONS

PROS/CONS for "DO CHANGE MENUS & CUT OUT "FEAR" OPTIONS; REFUSE TO EAT 100%"

PROS =
● PROPER EXCHANGES; OBEDIENT
● REDUCE FEAR/ ANXIETY/ DEPRESSION
● DON'T HAVE TO FORCE FLASHBACKS
● "NORMAL EATING"
● LEARN TO SAY "NO"/ "STOP"
● PROPER PORTION CONTROL
● NOT TORTURING BODY
● SENSE OF POWER/ FREEDOM

CONS =
● "RUNNING AWAY" FROM CHALLENGE
● REGRET MY COWARDICE
● HUMILIATED BY "SECOND-GUESSING"
● HAVE TO EAT TONS OF SIDES INSTEAD
● BROKEN COMMITMENT
● SCANDALOUS TO PEERS
● WASTING FOOD
● RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR

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PROS/CONS for "PUSHING MEALPLAN EXCHANGES WAY OVER LIMITS"

PROS =
● "PERFORM ABOVE AND BEYOND"
● "GET USED TO" LARGER PORTIONS
● GAIN WEIGHT FASTER FOR TREATMENT GOALS
● TRY MORE NEW THINGS
● USE FULL MEAL TIME
● "I CAN DO IT"

CONS =
● SUPER HIGH VOLUME
● BINGE TRIGGER
● COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR
● DISOBEYING INSTRUCTIONS
● MUST RUSH TO COMPLETE
● TYPICALLY HIGH IN LIPIDS
● GLUTTONOUS BEHAVIOR

PROS/CONS for "STICKING WITH THE LIMITS YOU'RE GIVEN"

PROS =
● FOLLOWING THE RULES
● SMALLER VOLUME MEALS
● GET USED TO EATING LESS
● MORE TIME TO ENJOY
● TEMPERATE BEHAVIOR
● LESS STRESS
● MEET THE CHALLENGE
● MAKE WISER CHOICES

CONS =
● "FOMO"
● "HUNGER" FEAR
● HAVE TO SAY "NO"
● TRIGGERS RESTRICTION
● LIMITS OPTIONS
● MAY FEEL "DEPRIVED"
● RESTRICTED CHOICES
● FEEL CONTROLLED

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PROS/CONS for "INTEGRATING ENTIRETY OF PERSONAL HISTORY; OWN IT ALL"

PROS =
● EVERY NOUSFONI CAN LIVE
● RADICAL SINCERITY
● OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN & PRACTICE REAL LOVE, MERCY, AND FORGIVENESS
● FINALLY HEAL THE TRAUMA
● WE CAN REMEMBER IT ALL
● WHOLENESS OF IDENTITY

CONS =
● WE MUST FACE ALL THE HORROR AND NOT DISOWN OUR FAILURES OR SINS
● MUST PROCESS DECADES OF TRAUMA
● POSSIBLE BREAKDOWNS
● REQUIRES TONS OF TIME AND EFFORT; TOTAL FOCUS
● YOU CANNOT RUN

PROS/CONS for "NO 'PAST'= CONTINUE TO DETACH & DISSOCIATE FROM THE TRAUMA, CHILDHOOD, HELL YEARS & JULIE DAYS; CUT 'NOW' OFF FROM THEN'"

PROS =
● "PURE" PAST
● FORGET WORST TRAUMA
● "THAT WASN'T ME"
● FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
● CONTINUED DISSOCIATION MAY BIRTH NEW NOUSFONI
● DETACH FROM GUILT/ SHAME
● SHUT DOWN FLASHBACKS
● "A WHOLE NEW PERSON"

CONS =
● LIVING A LIE, ULTIMATELY
● IN DENIAL OF REALITY
● UNINTEGRATED SELF
● "RUNNING AWAY"
● SO MANY NOUSFONI DENIED THE CHANCE TO LIVE & SPEAK
● MEMORIES STAY HIDDEN
● DISCONNECT FROM FAMILY
● NO HEALING PROGRESS

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PROS/CONS for "GOING TO PARTIAL WHETHER IN PERSON OR ONLINE & STICKING WITH THE PROGRAM"

PROS =
● CONTROLLED RECOVERY WORK
● OBEDIENT/ COMPLIANT/ COOPERATIVE
● GOOD EXAMPLE, GOOD CHARACTER
● LEARN NEW SKILLS
● GET FURTHER COUNSELING
● INSPIRE & BE INSPIRED BY OTHERS
● ACCOUNTABILITY FIGHTS RELAPSES
● PREVENTS SLOTH & ISOLATION

CONS =
● NO SCHEDULE FREEDOM
● TAKES UP MAJORITY OF DAY
● MAY BE ON CAMERA FOR HOURS
● NOISY, STARING AT MEALS
● POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING
● CONTROLLED MEALPLAN
● "INFECTS" HOME ATMOSPHERE
● MENTALLY EXHAUSTING

PROS/CONS for "REFUSING TO GO OR COOPERATE, DROPPING OUT AND/OR QUITTING"

PROS =
● TOTALLY FREE SCHEDULE
● I DECIDE MY MEALTIMES & MEAL OPTIONS
● QUIET, ALONE TIME AT HOME
● "PRESERVE MENTAL HEALTH"
● FOCUS ON CREATIVE WORK
● ABLE TO SAY "NO"
● ABLE TO FOCUS ON ME
● NO CONSTANT ANXIETY ABOUT NEXT DAY

CONS =
● "REFUSE TO COMPLY WITH TREATMENT"
● SCANDAL AGAINST CHARACTER
● HIGHER RISK OF RELAPSE
● NO "TRANSITION" PERIOD
● ISOLATION RISK
● NO NEW LEARNING OF SKILLS/ INFORMATION
● THERAPISTS/ DOCS/ FAM WILL BE VERY UPSET
● YOU WILL REGRET IT

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PROS/CONS for "ACCEPTING THAT THE WORLD WON'T CONFORM TO MY MORALS/ COMFORT; TRIGGERS ARE UNAVOIDABLE"

PROS =
● CAN FOCUS INSTEAD ON MANAGING EMOTIONAL RESPONSE & COPING SKILLS
● IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS, NOT YOURS
● CAN TAKE A STAND WITHOUT BEING CRUEL
● ALLOWS FOR MERCY
● FOCUS ON OWN MORALS
● SET A HOLY EXAMPLE

CONS =
● GRIEF, RAGE, DESPAIR RISK AT MORAL CORRUPTION
● MAY BECOME MORALLY LAX
● RELATIVISM RISK
● THREATS EVERYWHERE
● RISK OF CHRONIC DISSOCIATION
● MAY STOP FIGHTING
● BLINDED TO POSSIBLE CHANGE

PROS/CONS for "REJECTING THE FREE WILL OF OTHERS & DEMANDING THAT YOU BE 'CATERED TO' MORALLY & MENTALLY; 'DON'T DO SUCH THINGS'"

PROS =
● REFUSE TO TOLERATE MORAL CORRUPTION
● "FIGHT AGAINST EVIL"
● SEEKS JUSTICE
● MORAL STANDARDS
● ASSERTIVE OF MORAL OBJECTIVE TRUTHS/ DOGMAS
● MINDFUL OF OWN TRIGGERS & RISKS

CONS =
● TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS
● DOESN'T ACTUALLY PREVENT TRIGGERS OR FLASHBACKS
● INCONSIDERATE OF THE UNIQUE SITUATIONS OF OTHERS
● UNMERCIFUL
● NO MORAL STRENGTH
● PUT MYSELF IN GOD'S PLACE
● PROUD

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PROS/CONS for "I CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT; ACCEPT DENIALS & LIMITS IN LIFE; ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES & TAKE WHATEVER IS GIVEN GLADLY"

PROS =
● BUT YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED!
● OPEN TO ADVENTURE
● INCREASES CAPACITY FOR GRATITUDE & HUMILITY
● FIND MERIT IN UNEXPECTED
● FLEXIBLE, ADAPTABLE
● FIND JOY & FUN IN SURPRISE
● POWER TO MAKE IT ALL GOOD

CONS =
● MAY START DENYING WANTS
● TRIGGER FOR COMPLAINING
● FUELS "SERVANT" MINDSET
● MAY START SUPPRESSING ASSERTIVENESS
● RISK OF CRUSHING PREFERENCES
● MAY TRIGGER POROUS BOUNDARIES

PROS/CONS for "RESIST, PROTEST, GRUMBLE, COMPLAIN, INSIST ON GETTING MY WANTS EVEN IF ITS RUDE; REFUSE TO COMPROMISE OR SETTLE"

PROS =
● "ASSERTIVE"
● "I KNOW MY WANTS"
● ABLE TO SAY "NO" & STAND UP FOR SELF
● SUGGESTS AN UNDERLYING PASSION FOR JUSTICE
● "SECURE" OUTCOME TO MY PLANS & EXPECTATIONS
● SENSE OF CONTROL

CONS =
● ARROGANT, ENTITLED
● RIGID EXPECTATIONS
● NO NEW EXPERIENCES
● UNGRATEFUL
● UNCOOPERATIVE
● NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE
● SELFISH, CHILDISH
● "MY WILL BE DONE"
● INFLEXIBLE, UNABLE TO ADAPT
● DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS AND REPUTATION

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"Write a brief imaginary two-way conversation between yourself and a person you trust/ consider a mentor, where the two of you discuss a significant problem you are struggling with. How do you imagine they would respond?"

ME= Father P., I am struggling immensely with my gender identity. I know my body is female but I have never felt happy, safe, or comfortable with it. What do I do about this? The inner conflict is agonizing.

FR.P= We all have our particular cross to carry, and this is yours-- along with being gay, as you have also told me. It isn't a sin to have these difficult feelings. It is only sinful to ACT on them, as they are contrary to nature.

ME= I understand that and ironically that's why this is so difficult. Father, I HAVE acted on these feelings before, as you know. The problem is that I STILL WANT TO, and the thought of having to live as a woman, abandoning all hope of "gender therapy," is a nightmare.

FR.P= That desire to be another gender might never go away. It might never get easier to handle. And yes, it might make you truly miserable, even angry. But a cross always hurts to carry. This isn't some sort of torture from God. This is a means to make you a saint.

ME= Father, deep down I realize that. And it does give me hope. But I cannot deny the anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be female. I'm scared. It disgusts me. I don't know how to live as a woman and I don't understand "other" women and I feel like an alien. I can't "turn off" this aversion.

FR.P= Maybe you can't. But that's where prayer comes in. You have to trust that God does not want you to suffer like this. There's nothing wrong with being a woman, although I understand you cannot accept that for yourself right now. Can you accept it for others? Is this bigger than just you?

ME= You know what? It really is. I've internalized this corrupt belief that to be a woman is to be sexual, to be defined by that and even doomed to it. I hate it. I hate sex and when I look at the new curves on this body and feel this disturbing soft roundness I want to rip it to shreds, to rip it off of me & leave only the pure fleshless sexless bones.

FR.P= You need to bring this to therapy. There is so much more going on that I cannot help you with, but a professional can. And God WILL help you through them. But you must be completely honest, and you have to trust in God's plan no matter what. He can turn even this into a means of sanctification.

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PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
● I DO NOT LIKE BEING TOUCHED! (ESPECIALLY "LIGHT TOUCH")
● I need a small distance between me & others? ESPECIALLY WHEN FACING EACH OTHER. If I'M behind someone, the distance often CLOSES; I love closeness BUT NOT DIRECT ATTENTION.
● Please do not pick up/ move/ look through my belongings, ESPECIALLY my tablets & folders. (Clothes/ HBC doesn't bother me much?)
● Please DON'T SIT NEXT TO ME.
● I have the right to PRIVACY in MY OWN APARTMENT.
● I AM allowed to ask for closeness when I DO want it.

INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES
● My creative ideas/ worlds mean everything to me. Please respect them & listen sincerely. If you're NOT interested, TELL ME. Don't make me talk about my soul to a wall.
● Do not tell me I'm "hallucinating"/ "imagining things"/ "delusional"/ "confused" etc. WITHOUT VALID EXPLANATION.
● I NEED DIALOGUE. No passive-aggression or "smile & nod" silence. BE HONEST & OPEN with me.
● I have a right to refuse to engage in hostile arguments.
● I have a right to freely express & assert my opinions.
● I have a right to change a topic I feel is inappropriate.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
● Please DO NOT openly discuss self-abuse & trauma with me IN DETAIL, UNLESS we're in MUTUAL DIALOGUE and I ASKED to know.
● I have the right to express real emotion and NOT be shamed, punished, shut down, mollified, or coddled. Do NOT treat me as a "little girl."
● I have the right to RESPECT for my emotions, NOT IGNORED or BRUSHED OFF.
● I have a RIGHT to be OPEN & HONEST about what I feel.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
● I AM A CELIBATE ASEXUAL AROMANTIC and that MUST be honored. NEVER TRY TO "CONVERT" ME.
● I will NOT tolerate sexual language, jokes, or topics.
● NO "PET NAMES"
● NO "FLIRTING"
● NO comments on "beauty" or "attractiveness"
● NO euphemisms or "feminist" lewdness
● I have the right to request MUTUAL MODESTY & PURITY, especially in dress

MATERIAL BOUNDARIES
● I have the right to NOT let you "look through" my creative tablets & folders.
● I have the right for my possessions to be kept clean & undamaged
● I have the right to OWN things, and NOT "have to" give them away/ sell them/ "sacrifice" them
● I have the right to spend my money on self-care and enrichment, not just survival
● I have the right NOT to share intimately honest possessions (books, musical instruments, plushes)

TIME BOUNDARIES
● I NEED SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF "ALONE TIME," EVEN WHILE IN A ROOM WITH OTHERS.
● I have the right to quiet, still, peaceful time
● I NEED ↑ that time to EAT. Please honor this!
● I have the RIGHT AND NEED to take DAILY TIME to journal, self-reflect, and do creative work
● I NEED time to PRAY at SPECIFIC TIMES (Liturgy, Divine Office, etc.) and I have the RIGHT to do so.
● I HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP

SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES
● NEVER PREVENT OR HINDER ME FROM GOING TO MASS/ ADORATION, OR FROM PRAYER!!
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to witness openly to the Truth of the Catholic Faith in word & deed at ALL times.
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to DEFEND that Faith with respect, yet fidelity. I WILL NOT BE SWAYED OR SILENCED.
● I have the right to practice the rituals & Sacraments of my faith, and to seriously request access to them.

LANGUAGE BOUNDARIES
● Please DON'T use "absolutes" or "leading questions" (UNTIL I get a stronger self-concept; these really disturb me)
● DO NOT "BABYTALK" ME. No "aww!"s or "yay!"s or "good job!"s, etc. NO "feelgood" babble. I am neither an infant nor a pet.
● DO NOT ASK ME "ARE YOU OKAY?" (unless it's PRECEDED by a casual modifer such as "dude," "kid," "hey man," etc.; this changes the entire tone)
● DO NOT USE "FEMININE" TERMS WITH ME (girl, woman, babe, honey, chica, lady, etc.)
● DO NOT KEEP SAYING "I'm sorry"; "Am I annoying you"; "Whatever you want"; "I don't know"; etc.!! ALL "cowering" language STILL triggers my RAGE RESPONSE and I cannot turn it off; this is for BOTH OUR SAFETY.

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BLOATING TOLERANCE EXERCISES

1) BLOATING IS TEMPORARY AND IT IS NATURAL. "THE FOOD HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE." It ISN'T PERMANENT, DISFIGURING, OR A SIGN THAT "SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG/ YOU DID SOMETHING VERY WRONG."
2) Bloating is NOT a "sign of gluttony" or "carnal lasciviousness"!! FOOD ISN'T PARASITIC OR A CURSE OR AN INVADER. EATING ISN'T A SIN.
3)  A LARGE STOMACH ISN'T SHAMEFUL. It's NOT a "marker of sin"!! IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU UNWORTHY OF LOVE OR RESPECT OR HAPPINESS.

✳ "touch exposure" is SO DISTURBING to me
✳ we get "mirror exposure" anxiety EVERY SINGLE NIGHT
✳ immediately after these exercises the SHAME is DEBILITATING
✳ after 2 hours there is NO DECREASE IN ANXIETY; IT'S STILL HUGE
✳ after 10 days of these exercises IT'S TURNING INTO NUMB DESPAIR
✳ THE ANXIOUS SHAME-TERROR ISN'T GOING DOWN BECAUSE I STILL BELIEVE THOSE ↑ THREE DISTORTIONS!!

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QUESTIONING EATING DISORDER THOUGHTS

"Disodered thought = "To be happy/ healthy, I need to weigh ### pounds.""
HAPPY = DEFINED BY OTHERS!
HEALTHY = STRICT/ CONTROLLED; "PURE," "FASTING/ MORTIFICATION"; "HOLY" EMPTINESS. NO LUXURY/ EXCESS/ "FUN" FOOD; (SIN) "ASCETIC"; ONLY THE MINIMUM?
("FLESH at WAR with the SPIRIT")
✳ Heaviness = PRIDE? "CAN'T BE HAPPY" (SELFISH)
WEIGHT = ALWAYS a "LOWER" number; ironically being "SELF-ERASURE"; "happy" when I DON'T EXIST because "I'M" "NOT ALLOWED" TO "TAKE UP SPACE" AS MY OWN PERSON =  "MY HAPPINESS TAKES AWAY FROM OTHERS"? "Happy" when I'm SERVING/ USEFUL (NOT IN ANYONE'S WAY; "SMALL")
↑ I feel like I'm NOT SEEING THIS RIGHTLY? All I'm sure of is that "COMPULSION TO DISAPPEAR"???
✳ "the THINNER my BODY is, the MORE my SOUL can be FELT/ can LIVE" (ZERO SUM GAME)

"Alternative thought = "micromanaging my weight is a waste of time.""
MICROMANAGE = Attempt at MORAL discipline??
TIMEWASTE = HUGE SIN!!

"Disordered thought = I'm not hungry, so I don't need to eat.""
✳ MUTING "NEEDS"!! "REDEFINING/ DENYING" WHAT "COUNTS" AS HUNGER
✳ "IT ISN'T A "NEED" IF I CAN STILL MANAGE WITHOUT IT"; "HOW FAR CAN I PUSH THIS?"
✳ "NO MERCY"; NO "PREVENTION"; ONLY "DISASTER MANAGEMENT"; THE STORM "HAS TO HIT" BEFORE IT'S "REAL"
✳ ONLY CONSIDERING A "NEED" ALLOWED TO BE MET WHEN IT'S CAUSING UNDENIABLE HARM IN CONSEQUENCE OF BEING IGNORED/ SUPPRESSED; "CAN'T DENY IT ANYMORE" (ONLY eat when nearly STARVED)
✳ "MINIMUM" (again); keep body monster CHAINED

"Alternative thought = "I need to eat regularly so I can restore my hunger and fullness cues.""
SCARY; feel "controlled BY the body" (HELPLESS/ TRAPPED) and it feels like a MINDLESS ANIMAL (WILD/ DANGEROUS)

"Disordered thought = "My anxiety gets worse if I don't count calories.""
Calories seen as AMMO??
✳ FEAR that if I'M NOT "AUTHORIZING" EVERY CALORIE THAT IS "ALLOWED"/ "LET" INTO THE BODY, it's POISON/ INVASIVE??? (DEATH) FEAR OF UNKNOWN "TAKING OVER" BODY? INGESTION OF "TOO MUCH"/ "WRONG FOOD" results in SELF-CORRUPTION/ LOSS OF CONTROL/ IDENTITY??
✳ ALL ABOUT CONTROL = "DON'T TRUST FOOD OR MY BODY"??

"Disordered thought = "I'm fat. I hate my body. I don't deserve to eat.""
(SELF-DENIAL EXTREME) (TIES INTO "NEED" CRUSHING)
✳ WHY IS "FAT" "HATEFUL"??? WHY "MUST" IT BE STARVED TO DEATH???
✳ Seeing "FAT" as a "SIN" that must be PUNISHED & EXPUNGED = sees FOOD/ EATING as the "MEANS OF SIN"
✳ "DON'T DESERVE TO EAT" = THIS FRAMES EATING AS SHEER INDULGENCE???
IT ALSO MAKES EATING NOT A NEED BUT A PRIVILEGE"; in IRONIC CONTRAST to eating ALSO being a DANGER/ SIN (IRRATIONAL CONFLICT)

"What is one thing that YOUR eating disorder often tells you?"
"ALL food is potentially lethal (allergy). Every meal is a suicide risk."
"Food is sex. Eating is rape."
"You ARE what you eat. Eat the WRONG things, and they will REPROGRAM YOUR IDENTITY."
"The fatter you get, the less room there is for your soul. The food will take over you like a parasite." (suffocate)

"What could be a healthy alternative thought that you could say in response?"
"ALL food is INHERENTLY NOURISHING."
"Every meal KEEPS YOU ALIVE."
"NOT eating WILL KILL YOU, NO EXCEPTIONS!!"
"You ARE what you eat, and IT ALL IS IN GOD. It starts in LIGHT and is SHARED all the way to YOU. Eating is a PRIESTLY act!!"
"YOUR IDENTITY IS UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE IT WAS MADE BY GOD AND DEFINED BY HIM. And food is FROM Him. Who you ARE can only be SUPPORTED by the food that GIVES HEALTH & NUTRITION TO YOUR BODY-- the VEHICLE for FULFILLING your PURPOSE here!!"
✳ PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON SIZE = YOUR SOUL FILLS YOUR WHOLE BODY. ALL OF THOSE CELLS BELONG TO IT! Besides... with ALL your nousfoni, maybe you "NEED" a bigger body to "fit" them all! ♥

"What would you say to a friend if they talked to themself this way?"
This would BREAK MY HEART. At my worst I have BRUTAL eating disorder thoughts, and they're TERRIFIED. I don't want ANYONE ELSE to suffer from these DISTORTED, EVIL LIES. In TRUTH I KNOW FOOD IS GOOD AND ALL BODIES ARE SACRED. And THAT'S what I would emphasize to a friend. I would USE SCRIPTURE for supportive proof, and FOCUS ON CHRIST/ ETERNITY where LOVE REIGNS.

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✳ BEHAVIORS TO REPLACE= BINGE-PURGING, HYPERRESTRICTING, EXTREME FOOD AVOIDANCE/ FEAR, JUDGING BODY SHAPE, "ALL OR NOTHING" EXERCISE/ EATING IN GENERAL

"What thoughts go through your head when you eat a fear food or challenge food?"
FEAR= "THIS WILL KILL/ POISON/ INFECT ME"
CHALLENGE= "I CAN DO THIS"
✳ FEAR foods are TRAUMA foods; fear of DEATH; PANIC/ HORROR
✳ CHALLENGE foods are met by DETERMINATION; gratitude, even joy (freedom)
✳ "FEAR" foods CAN be "preemptively" CHANGED (POTENTIALLY) to CHALLENGES by MENTALLY REASONING THROUGH the terror response BEFOREHAND?? This at least can ENABLE us TO challenge them, and NOT just AVOID!

"What thoughts go through your head when you step on the scale or look in the mirror?"
SCALE= "is that FAT or MUSCLE or WATER weight?"
MIRROR= "too much EXCESS" "I need to TONE UP" "I look lazy and undisciplined" "I NEED to get STRONGER" "I CAN'T LOOK LIKE [insert name here]"

"In the past, how have negative thoughts about your food/body affected the way you eat/exercise?"
EAT= KETO. FASTING. "Only CLEAN food." Minimal portions so I don't "get round or soft."
EXERCISE= 2 HOURS cardio daily. Afraid to sit down or sit still. "Doesn't count unless it HURTS."

"What are eating disorder thoughts?"
Thoughts that see FOOD as DANGER, and the BODY as a PRISON (DEVIL'S LIES!!)
They focus on PAIN/ PUNISHMENT/ LACK, NOT HELPING/ HEALING!!

"Distorted thought = "I'm going to gain ### pounds from eating that.""
WHY IS WEIGHT SO FEARED?? (tied to VICTIM vibe? "TRAPPED"; SUFFOCATE??)
✳ Seeing food as INERT matter, NOT NOURISHMENT. Weight seen as BAGGAGE, not WEALTH? "More of the world in you to OFFER in PRAISE"

"Distorted thought = "I can't eat that unless I exercise for ### minutes.""
✳ Not realizing that CALORIES are ENERGY to LIVE and your body USES THEM to EXIST; this example is a "POVERTY MINDSET"? "NO SURPLUS/ ABUNDANCE ALLOWED"; rejects the FUTURE in a sense? THIN = FAMINE = NO FOOD/ LIFE. A starved body isn't free to TAKE IN OR GIVE/ SHARE LIFE? Food as enemy = unable to FEED OTHERS (LOVE)

"Distorted thought = "I need to track my calories because I can't trust my body.""
✳ "I will only ALLOW you to eat so much (amount or kind) REGARDLESS of objective NUTRITIONAL NEED" = TO DO WHAT GOD MADE IT TO DO-- TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

Distorted thought = "Food is a foreign body"
Alternative thought= "Food is MADE for my body"

✳ WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FULLY HEAL THE EATING DISORDER MINDSET + FEELINGS UNTIL WE ALSO HEAL THE SEXUAL TRAUMA. THAT'S WHERE THE "FOOD = INVASION" FEAR IS ROOTED!
✳ WHAT'S THE ROOT FOR BODY FEELING TERROR (belly rolls, double chin, midsection bulge)??? = "TRAPPED/ HELPLESS" "SUFFOCATION/ CRUSHED" feeling: HOW'D IT START AND WHEN?? (WERE WE EVER THIS FAT/ BIG BEFORE UPMC? OR IS THIS FEAR FROM THE BODIES OF OTHERS?)

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✳FOOD OBSESSION = "TOO MANY CALORIES" = see calories as something TO be rigidly controlled/ limited? Like ANY excess WILL "become FAT" and FAT = "FOREIGN BODY"
✳SHAPE OBSESSION = Not numbers but STOMACH SIZE/SHAPE. "Bloated/ distended"; "UNNATURAL"/ "PARASITIC"?? "Something IN/ ATTACHED to me that DOESN'T BELONG"; "HINDERING" LIFE & FREEDOM of movement? "SICK"? Like a TUMOR

In order to let these obsessions go, I need to...
✳ See food as LIFE-GIVING NOURISHMENT to be RESPECTED & STEWARDED & USED WITH WISDOM & GRATITUDE
✳ Redefine "fatness" of body; distinguish it from lasciviousness; it is NOT "in opposition" to strength & health
✳ Meet my "hunger" in different ways/ LEVELS; feed my SOUL/ MIND/ HEART every day too!
✳ Realize that food/ fatness of body are NOT "cancers" to be controlled or purged or "burned away"
✳ ACCEPT & even EMBRACE the FACT that MY BODY IS FEMALE & IS DESIGNED TO hold more fat
✳ STOP BASING MY SELF-WORTH ON STRENGTH/ POWER/ UTILITY/ AMBITION/ MASCULINE VIRTUE ↑ (BOTH FEAR OF WOMANHOOD/ FEMININITY)
✳ LIVE ETERNITY-MINDED. No matter HOW my body looks/ feels, IT WILL DIE AND I MUST LIVE WITH MY PRIORITIES SET ON HEAVEN!!

Describe what you are scared of and detail how you try to control these situations.
✳ FEAR OF "ADULT/ WOMAN BODY"!!! But it's REJECTING REALITY. Starve = stay a child. Purge = reject "unwanted bigness"?? (DO I ASSOCIATE FOOD/FAT WITH MOM??)
✳ I am actually SCARED of feeling WEAK & TRAPPED. When my body is THIN & SCRAWNY & UNDERFED, I feel UTTERLY POWERLESS and it's TERRIFYING... but when my stomach is full of food & bloated OR "fat" & sicking out, and that "extra body matter" makes it hard to bend or move or even breathe, THAT'S terrifying too, BUT not as much?? Because it at least means I HAVE STRENGTH FROM FOOD? Unfortunately the bulimia tried to "keep me thin" BUT "still eat." It didn't work.
✳ "Only eating certain "pure" foods" out of "poison/ corruption" fear, afraid of "becoming" "BAD" that I labeled foods as?
✳ CONVINCED of ALLERGIES & INTOLERANCES; convinced they would KILL me; ironically the eating disorder was LITERALLY destroying my body by NOT eating food
✳ Scared that FAT = WEAK? Ironically THIN = WEAK really. ALSO fearing FAT = EVIL? Societal lies! There's TONS of evidence of FAT = GOOD, EVEN IN SCRIPTURE! (but MOTIVE/ MEANS MATTER TOO, EVEN WITH THINNESS!!)

What works and what doesn't work about your current approaches?
✳ Bulimia is an "emergency exit" for "eating too much/ poison fear" but it SOLVES NOTHING. It only REINFORCES THE FEAR & DESTROYS MY BODY. It "kept me thin" but AT THE COST OF MY MUSCLE & STRENGTH. It turned me into a SKELETON.
✳ NOT EATING DOESN'T HELP. It STARVES my body & it STARTS TO EAT ITSELF ALIVE. I have NO STRENGTH to LIVE.
✳ My current exercise routing NEEDS TO INCLUDE WEIGHTLIFTING. It's the ONLY WAY I'm going to get "buff." Cardio is great & necessary but it's NOT going to STURDY UP MY SHAPE. Plus, the more muscle I get, the LESS afraid I'll be TO eat!!
✳ I CAN'T LIVE. There's NO TIME, STRENGTH, OR DESIRE LEFT TO DO BEAUTIFUL, POSITIVE, CREATIVE THINGS. All my fear about "how I look & feel" and my efforts to CONTROL that are a PRISON; I'm stuck in a LOOP of self-centered DESTRUCTION & MISERY.


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✳ Our "self-care is to benefit others" insight yesterday, AND group today, made me realize something. I THINK I ACTUALLY LIKE BEING AROUND & TALKING TO PEOPLE. All that unexpressed LOVE in me is ACTIVELY & FINALLY FINDING AN OUTLET here in inpatient, & I THINK I NEED THIS. IT'S WHY I KEEP RUNNING BACK TO MOM. IT'S WHY I STILL WANT A JOB. IT'S WHY I WON'T EVEN QUIT TUMBLR. OUR "PLURALITY" IS JUST ANOTHER EXPRESSION OF OUR INNATE, GOD-GIVEN, HUMAN PURPOSE-- COMMUNION!!! AND WITHOUT IT, THE EATING DISORDER APPARENTLY KICKS IN AS A "SUBSTITUTE." After all, EATING IS COMMUNION BY DESIGN!! And ALL of our past "trauma" situations-- ALL of the people who we considered we "BELONGED" to, & STILL "give power to" as AUTHORITY over us-- INVOLVED BROKEN/ UNREQUITED/ DISHONEST "COMMUNION" = LOVE. I HAVEN'T MOVED ON BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP LOVING THEM & HAVEN'T "FOUND" ANYONE ELSE NOW TO GIVE IT TO?? And the eating disorder was like "bleeding out the overload" out of sheer distress?? OR IS THAT THE "POISON" FEAR??? ALL THE "COMMUNION" WE GOT-- ALL THE "FOOD" FOR OUR HEART & SOUL-- WAS ROTTEN OR TOXIC. No wonder we always ate literal garbage with the eating disorder; we were not only "used to it," but it was "SCAVENGER" behavior: "this is the BEST YOU'LL GET," even the "best you DESERVE"? Or not even "best," but "ONLY"; the FEAR of losing the SCRAPS, out of HUNGER? ALSO "CAN'T SAY NO"-- like I CAN'T "throw ANYTHING out," even CRUMBS? "FAMINE" MINDSET. "UNGRATEFUL." Also childhood meals= "lick your plate clean," like IF YOU DON'T, you WILL STARVE?? "PUNISHMENT." COMPULSIVE FORCEFEEDING. "EAT IT ALL OR YOU WON'T GET ANYTHING LATER"?? NO JOY OR PEACE. But WHY the "looking for MORE"? OR just OF OUR OWN FREE VOLITION? NOT FORCED/ COMPULSIVE; WANTING to ACTUALLY FEEL "FED"?
✳ GARBAGE EATING also MERCY?? "Even IF it got thrown away, there's STILL something EDIBLE left in it; I CAN'T be SO UNGRATEFUL/ UNKIND as to NEGLECT/ IGNORE/ DEVALUE that"?? ALSO in treatment, SCRAPING/ LICKING containers/ peels/ lids/ etc. "PERFECT/ COMPLETIONIST"; "YOU CAN'T THROW AWAY FOOD, EVEN THE SCRAPS." AFRAID = "ALL OR NOTHING" EAT/FEED VS. REJECT/STARVE??? "It's EITHER FOOD OR GARBAGE"?? NO OVERLAP?? And the thought of "throwing something out" UNEATEN/ UNUSED/ UNLOVED?? is almost PAINFUL? Like I HAVE to "RESCUE/ SAVE/ REDEEM it" by EATING IT DOWN TO THE BONE, and EVEN THAT TOO if I can. WHAT IS THIS?? HOW DOES THIS PLAY INTO COMMUNION? Is that something I IDENTIFY WITH? & ALSO with "abuse," "there's STILL GOOD in them/ I STILL LOVE THEM" therefore "I MUST EAT EVEN WHAT OTHERS WOULD CALL GARBAGE"?? ALSO I FEEL LIKE, ONCE IT'S "GARBAGE," I CAN EAT IT AS "MINE"?? (NO COMPULSIVE MIMICRY/ OBEDIENCE?) Like I DON'T DESERVE/ CAN'T CHOOSE "REAL FOOD" (it BELONGS to OTHERS); but THE TRASH IS "MINE"?? It's "ALL I GET." I FEEL SORRY FOR IT. I even LOOK for it. ("PICKING UP THE PIECES DISCARDED")
✳ IS THIS AXIS'S TERRITORY??

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✳The "desert island" exercise in art group today made me realize two very unsettling things... 1) I'm NOT thinking about PHYSICAL CARE/ SURVIVAL, OR 2) OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS IN THAT REGARD. My fellow patients are bringing medkits & tents & knives & water filters, and NONE of that even OCCURRED to me. I'm here thinking "I'll need a solarpowered laptop to write about the experience" and I DIDN'T EVEN CONSIDER that I would need CLOTHING & FOOD & SHELTER & TOOLS. I'm listening to them, stunned & shaken, because IT ALL IS "NEW" TO MY MINDSET. That's SCARY. Of course I'd objectively NEED to eat & sleep, but... the "FUTURE FACT" of that DIDN'T CROSS MY MIND. I like "assumed" I'd just "find" fruits & catch fish I guess, & sleep on the ground. But the FIRST THOUGHT of "what would you bring to a desert island" was "THE BIBLE & A LAPTOP," NOT  THE BODY. OR does my subconscious NOT PRIORITIZE SURVIVAL?? ONLY the "INTERNAL/ ETERNAL"? That explains my schedule!

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✳"WHO can front to handle DISCOMFORT" = WHAT are the RESONANT SUFFERINGS OF EACH COLOR, that we can CARRY TOGETHER & NOT DISSOCIATE/ LEAVE IT TO KAKOFONI OR NEGATIVE SOMAFONI???
✳ OUR PERSPECTIVE MUST SHIFT from COMPLAINT to the CROSS!!! ↓
✳ "OFFER IT UP" REQUIRES GRATITUDE/ LOVE/ TRUST = WORSHIP & SACRIFICE ("MAKE HOLY")!

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✳ My goal today is to "befriend discomfort" & boy I am REALLY uncomfortable with the upsetting realization that my mealplan choices for the weekend are COWARDLY & REPETITIVE. I chose the SAME fruits for EVERY meal, I'm LOOPING cottage cheese, & I ACTIVELY AVOIDED CHALLENGE FOODS. WHY DO I KEEP FALLING BACK INTO LOOPS??? IS THAT JUST THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE? Dude you NEED to get your hands on the Book of Night With Moon & DRAW AN ARROW POINTING UP OUTTA THAT THING!!
...That too. "Arrow." I APPARENTLY HAVEN'T MOVED ON. Those broken arrows are STILL stabbed into OUR heart. ...God we MIGHT NEED INFI BACK. Ze was ESSENTIAL to EVERYTHING during that time: our LOVE, our TRAUMA, our IDENTITY, our ACTIONS. WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EVEN DISCUSS OUR HISTORY SINCE 2013 WITHOUT DIRECTLY  CONSTANTLY REFERRING TO HIR, AND TO JAY. AND STEP ONE IS READING THE ARCHIVES, AS WE UPLOAD THEM. Those memories have been SUPPRESSED and RUN FROM for SIX SOLID YEARS, if not SEVEN for some. THAT'S INSANE. NO WONDER we're stuck. SO PLEASE, DO THAT IMMEDIATELY UPON DISCHARGE. We CANNOT PUT THIS OFF ANYMORE. IT'S THE UNDENIABLE KEY TO UNLOCK SO MANY MYSTERIES & STRUGGLES, and I GUARANTEE you, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL inevitably be EXCRUCIATING at times, it is ALSO ABSOLUTELY FULL OF LOVE, REAL AND TRUE, AND YOU ALL KNOW IT, "DESPITE" THE TRAUMA. LOVE (GOD) KEPT US ALIVE. So don't be afraid. It WILL wake up our hearts, by FINALLY allowing us to "FILL IN THE GAPS" & CONNECT/ INTEGRATE our PAST & PRESENT, enabling us to REMEMBER the WHOLE PICTURE of WHO WE ARE, WOUNDS & ALL, so that WE CAN BUILD/ CHOOSE/ LIVE A REAL & GENUINE & TRUTHFUL & POSSIBLE FUTURE, TOGETHER, IN RECOVERY from ALL the tragedy of our ACTUAL PAST... with NO HIDING, NO DENIAL, NO HATRED, NO BITTERNESS, AT LONG LAST. And with THAT 7-year wound HEALED (and kissed), we can be FREE TO FULLY & JOYFULLY FORGIVE IN TOTALITY & DEVOTE OURSELF UNRESERVEDLY TO GOD'S SERVICE & GLORY. That "void" IS holding us back currently, because we CAN'T GIVE that part of ourselves AND history TO God IF WE CAN'T "HOLD" IT ENOUGH TO SURRENDER IT ENTIRELY TO HIM!!

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LOTOPHAGOI WE NEED (esp. inpatient) =
✳ MILK = "BABY CHERUB" to DRINK it; HEAL "baby" fear? TRUE PURPOSE OF MILK! INNOCENT
✳ COTCHS/ YOG = "HOLY COW." SACRIFICIAL (LOVE) ANIMAL + MOTHERHOOD? ↑ (+BEEF?? OR A ♂?)
✳ FRUIT JUICE = BUTTERFLY/ HUMMINGBIRD?? "Nectar" similarity & "dignification" of context
✳ APPLESAUCE = ASTRONAUT?? "FIRST FOOD EATEN IN SPACE." OR AN ALIEN? (this food is SPECIAL to BOTH)
✳ FRUIT CUPS = GROUP ↑ ? ✳ONLY CERTAIN FRUITS COME CUT UP IN CUPS. DISTINCTION IS ESSENTIAL! (PEACHES/ PINEAPPLE/ PAPAYA?) (BIRDS AT ZOO? (FEED))
✳ "KIDS MEALS" (chicken tenders, mac & cheese, etc.?) (CAN'T BE "GROUPED"; INDIVIDUAL ASSOCIATIONS)
✳ SUNBUTTER = tough because it's DENSE; vibe too "heavy" for a flower/ fairy? 

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✳ IF YOU COULD TELL/ TALK TO MOM ABOUT ANYTHING IN A LETTER:
● She NEEDS to understand that the eating disorder is TIED TO THE "SLAVE" MINDSET & THE GENDER FEAR & the SEXUAL TRAUMA. The latter is old new & (to me) easy to explain: I didn't want to "grow up to be a woman." I didn't want to get married OR like boys OR have sex & therefore babies. I saw a picture of a young adult male in a teen mag at age 13 & IMMEDIATELY thought, "I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THAT." And since I associated womanhood with FAT = breasts = curves, I STOPPED EATING during the day in an attempt to PREVENT that change, AND perhaps "insulate/ protect" myself from the PROFOUNDLY INVASIVE experience of sharing meals, ESPECIALLY with peers (STRANGERS & often HYPERSEXUAL/ SECULAR) in a FORCED & ARTIFICIAL setting/ environment, AND WORSE because I'd be EXPECTED/ FORCED to TALK = SELFDISCLOSURE = "STRIPPED & INVADED." Ironically/ revealingly, I WAS ACTUALLY & ONLY COMFORTABLE EATING around GIRLS I LIKED, because that "almost shared" meal was the ONLY WAY I COULD FEEL CLOSE TO/ WANTED & ACCEPTED & WELCOMED by them. (Mary/ AAA) Part of me wished I could eat with boys? NOT out of "attraction" BUT because I wanted to BE LIKE THEM? Strong, funny, athletic, comedic, self-confident, and with that "TOMBOY FIRE" I felt FORCED to CRUSH in that school uniform skirt & brassiere. Furthermore, I sensed that MAYBE I'd be loved BY the girls IF I were "more like" a boy? Although I ALREADY wanted to LOOK/ ACT more like a boy for my OWN personal gender reasons, NOW I saw they had a "ROLE" IN RELATIONSHIPS AND I WANTED THAT ROLE. But I digress. This ALL messed with eating mostly because I was now FASTING DAILY for 12+ hours on average, & as I got older & the body DID change & I experienced MORE frequent & horrific abuse at Julie's hands (exacerbated by social/ cultural/ media exposure), EATING in GENERAL became terrifying, & I began to HIDE when I ate/ eat PRIVATELY out of SHAME/ FEAR/ TRAUMA OVERLAP. BUT this early we WEREN'T in the "slave" mindset; our meals were still BY DEFAULT decided by the fam, & we had NO OPPORTUNITY/ REASON to choose "association foods" because we had NO "authorities" OUTSIDE of the fam (& we all ate the SAME)... EXCEPT FANDOMS, WHICH IS A HUGE REALIZATION BTW-- this is WHY our "favorite foods" weren't even things we "liked," but were things our favorite CHARACTERS liked or were associated with (tunafish, apples, blackberries, etc.). But the "SLAVE" but STARTED with SALT LAKE CITY in ~2009. This is ALSO (I think) WHEN the PILFER/ SCAVENGER mentality BEGAN in earnest. I was STARVING from NEGLECT on EVERY LEVEL OF MY EXISTENCE, and out of both desperation & heartache I just started to "TAKE WHAT I COULD GET." ...I wonder if this was ALSO a "KICKBACK" from the CONSTANT GIVING, but NEVER REPLENISHING THE STORES, because FOOD IS COMMUNION & I HAD NONE. No WONDER I was so determined & yearning to "go back HOME to my FAMILY." ...and I think it's why I STILL feel that way. Humans are LITERALLY MADE FOR THOSE THINGS, BY GOD'S DESIGN. Heaven is our TRUE home. The Church is our TRUE family. And I've KNOWN that deep down ALL MY LIFE, but it DOESN'T INVALIDATE THE WORLDLY REFLECTION OF IT either. Home & family IS where we are FIRST FED & FIRST ENTER INTO COMMUNION/ COMMUNITY, FROM BIRTH. And when we LOSE or LACK that, I think that something in our souls (as GOD'S children) SEEKS that out of REAL HUNGER. And I do. And so I MUST set my heart ON GOD'S KINGDOM. ONLY HE CAN satisfy my poor starving soul.

Then I met Our Lady of La Salette. The weeping virgin. She looked so different from all other depictions of Mary. And yet it was still her!

(left unfinished)