101322

Oct. 13th, 2022 11:11 am
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


During the hell of the eating disorder, AND up until now in recovery, I've been struggling with one awful, essential, persistent, existential question: "Who AM I, really?" Is my past "real," or "right"? Can I still love? SHOULD I still love? All my imaginative work, all my creativity, all my hopes & dreams & joys & goals-- are any of them valid? Does any of it matter? Should I leave EVERYTHING in my past-- notably my INNER LIFE-- in the past, to be effectively rejected, disowned, & forgotten? And if/ when I DO abandon it, WHO am I then? Who "SHOULD" I be? When ALL of the things I "USED" to treasure & value & live for are GONE... what is left of me? And to be totally blunt with you, I've been struggling with this BLATANTLY SELF-ANNIHILATORY MINDSET SINCE 2010, when Dad shamed me into junking my childhood possessions as "ridiculous garbage" AND I was nevertheless FORCED to actively and traumatically DESTROY most of MY ART & WRITING in order to "minimize my possessions" & "live out of a suitcase" in order to MOVE OUT TO SLC WITH MEL-- who, disturbingly, LIKE TBAS, made my life effectively revolve around THEM. So I couldn't have "too much of "ME" getting in the way." Even more damaging was the FACT that BOTH Mel & Q CLAIMED to be "the ONLY ONES who KNEW THE "REAL ME,"" that I had "lost my spark" and "ONLY they could "help me" get it back," and that "my TRUE, "GOD-GIVEN" DESTINY was IN SLC," with them, NOT my family, AND that if I DIDN'T leave my roots behind & attach to them instead, "I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," AND I would allegedly be "REJECTING GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE." I feel for it, tragically & entirely-- which made Mel's ultimate rejection of ME-- "I thought you were a good person; I guess I was wrong" / "I sacrificed myself to help you & you just spat in my face" / "I regret ever having met you" / "You are a black hole, devouring everyone around you & giving nothing back" / etc.-- all the more devastating, cruel AND bitterly ironic. BUT. That "bitterness" was because I BELIEVED THEM. Every word they said, good or bad, I took as fact. After that letter, almost 10 YEARS AGO this month (!!!), I literally tried to kill myself. Burn it all down, I decided, in total despair-- if MEL says that's WHO I AM, then that DEFINES me "by their authority," and I'm damned.
...And yet, hope refused to abandon me. Fahrenheit 451. Laurie saved my life, and somehow I kept going, until the TBAS deathtrap hit ~5 years later-- a tragedy of the EXACT SAME PATTERN: destroy, uproot, reprogram, reject, annihilate, etc. I threw out or gave away almost everything I owned. My family history had been brutally chopped out of my timeline. My sense of EXISTENCE was crushed to a bloody pulp. For years I was hollow. I threw what remained into religion, but without a real "self" TO worship WITH, even that ended up being far too shallow & Pharasaical. I stockpiled prayers & sacramentals, I went to church up to SEVENTEEN TIMES A WEEK, even moreso if I could drive fast enough in the mornings to chain FIVE MASSES into ONE WEEKDAY. I'm dead serious. I'd hit 7, 730, 8, 830, & 1130 services, never feeling "holy enough," never feeling "close enough" to God. I was starving spiritually, needing the Eucharist more than air, refusing to eat anything BUT that Bread of Angels. And yet, my disorders persisted. I'd ultimately give in to physical hunger and, despairing, would just binge & purge & pray for mercy & forgiveness & help, begging God for a swift, soon, & holy death, despite my wretchedness. I had no will to live. I only wanted God, but... I couldn't see that my ravenous spiritual hunger was ALSO a problem, an addiction, a disordered mutation of something good. I was STILL trying to be "religious" in the SAME way I was trying to be "thin"-- by destroying myself, and running away from all sense of unique identity. I was burying, numbing, & rejecting EVERYTHING that wasn't "pure" and "right," ultimately disowning LIFE in favor of death, wanting only to lose ALL "selfhood" in God, forever. There's just one problem I kept ignoring: God IS relationship, and you CAN'T be in a relationship at ALL if there's no "YOU" to love AND be loved WITH. In my desperate attempts to annihilate "ME" in favor of others, I had destroyed my very goal of self-sacrifice & symbiosis. In order to LOVE at ALL, "I" NEEDED TO ACTUALLY EXIST.
Hope cannot die, though, and neither could my REAL self, the SOUL that GOD HIMSELF uniquely fashioned & breathed into existence & anchored into BOTH my heart AND HIS-- when Jesus died for me, He died for a PERSON, a REAL PERSON that He KNEW and LOVED in their ENTIRETY and TRUTH-- seeing and embracing their scars and uniting them to His own, even as He joyfully proclaimed IN that very agony that humanity is NOT defined by failure, but by GRACE, freely & generously offered to ALL who met Him on that Cross of TOTAL, TRUE Self-giving-- a sacrifice of PURE LOVE, possibly ONLY BECAUSE HE LOVED US. If Jesus had refused to exist AS a unique Person in time, ABLE to enter into PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with each & all, ABLE to share intimately in our struggles & pains & tears, our joys & hopes & dreams, then... He couldn't have GIVEN His unique Personhood FOR us IN that same Love, BY & THROUGH that same relationship!! So I was doomed to both futility AND emptiness, starving despite all instinctive attempts to "fill the void," EVEN WITH GOD, because I did not & WOULD not let "MYSELF" exist as a unique individual that COULD love & BE loved. I had thrown out all my past in guilty hateful shame, not realizing that such a loveless, merciless, heartless act of destruction WAS not and COULD NOT be of GOD. Jesus never erased our pasts-- He ACCEPTED them as they were, FORGAVE them in the utmost compassion for our weaknesses & pain, AND IN DOING SO, by His Cross & Resurrection HE TRANSFORMED them, AND CONTINUES to do so, in EVERY MOMENT, if/ when we give our pasts TO Him-- ALL WITH LOVE!!! We CANNOT be forgiven OR redeemed IF WE DENY OUR TOTAL HUMANITY, painful past and all. And, again, we can't gave a past OR a present OR a future, UNLESS we ADMIT & ACCEPT OUR PERSONHOOD & CONTINUED EXISTENCE IN TIME. God made us individuals. God BECAME an individual for our sakes, out of pure Love!! God AND heaven, His very Kingdom, are ANCHORED IN LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & COMMUNITY & TOGETHERNESS-- on WHOLENESS, a unity of COOPERATION & HARMONY, NOT of faceless parts, or mindless pieces! The "hivemind" concept is SATANIC. In the devil's world of lies, "people" are stripped of individuality, seen as numbers or statistics or animals, cogs in a machine, pawns on a gameboard, disposable and of no difference. THAT'S ALL A LIE!!! GOD KNOWS OUR NAMES AND HE SPEAKS TO US AS A FRIEND, in all tender care & intimacy & LOVE!! We are HIS CREATIONS, HIS ART, HIS CHILDREN! WE MATTER TO GOD. I MATTER TO GOD!! HE CALLS ME BY MY NAME AND HE KNOWS ME. Me!! Not some hollow mask or empty shell-- He knows a PERSON, a person HE CREATED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Honestly this is so clear & important to me today, and I cannot emphasize or elaborate on this enough. It's the key to my LIFE. It's the CORE of my ENTIRE recovery effort, or at least it MUST be, because recovery CANNOT HAPPEN if all the reading & obeying & writing & planning I'm doing is STILL neglecting the "I" that it's ALL MEANT TO HELP HEAL!!! Facts & figures MUST BE APPLIED to have any worth or effect. And honestly? IF I DON'T/ WON'T ACCEPT THE "I" OF RECOVERY, OUT OF FEAR OF BEING AN "I," THEN THE DISORDER WILL RETURN TO TAKE "MY" PLACE AS "SELF"!!!! THAT is why this disorder has been self-perpetuating for so long: it is fueled by REJECTION OF SELF! It IS the "INVADING/ VIOLATING" FORCE I FEARED, as it ONLY exists TO OVERRIDE "ME," BOTH OUTSIDE & INSIDE-- JUST LIKE THE SXTRAUMA IT EXPLODED FROM. Honestly it's so OBVIOUS and yet it has HIDDEN its ultimate motives for so long, ironically BECAUSE it was smothering "me"-- that way "I" COULDN'T REALIZE IT. It devoured all my time & money & attention, so I COULDN'T use them to "find myself again"-- couldn't write, couldn't paint, couldn't compose, couldn't dream. Just like SLC & CNC, I had enslaved myself to an outside "taskmaster" and lost ALL freedom of choice, in essence... a sick but surrendered alternative to facing the terror of my past, and somehow salvaging myself from it-- a past that ONLY WAS so terrible BECAUSE I had CONTINUALLY been crushing myself & "trying to become who OTHERS want/ tell me to be"... typically through objectification, shame, and loveless force. I let Julie ruin me because "I SHOULD want that" and "I SHOULD be like other people," although I WASN'T & COULDN'T BE!! GOD MADE ME DIFFERENT, but I never saw that as VALID; saying "NO" to outside shaping forces was met with punishment & rejection-- I "HAD" to be "NORMAL," even if "normal" was toxic. But you know what? I STILL FOUGHT. I treasured my "weirdness" during high school, cranking it up to extremes & socially isolating in order to distinguish & preserve MY self... but the older I got, and the more I was forced to interact with the world-- through jobs, college, and the internet-- the less of a grip I could maintain on that core, overwhelmed by the SURVIVAL NEED to perform. It had always been there, but in the end it virtually took over. That cemented the roots of the eating disorder, somehow, just as strongly as it created our Socials. AND YET I STILL FOUGHT! Look at the journals "I" used to keep-- look at the Scribblds, for heaven's sakes! It may have been desperate & shaky but I STILL HAD A GRIP ON WHO "I" WAS... and then came Mel. God knows why, but around 2009, when they entered my life's story, I fell to pieces. I cannot delve into that now-- I need to SET THAT ASIDE for now & focus on RECOVERY in the PRESENT; I cannot safely touch the past yet, not without restored nutritive mental health AND new solid coping skills, and NOT without re-reading the Archives (thank You GOD for never letting me delete them!!)-- but the main thing I need to remember from that is that, until 2009, I KNEW "ME" and GOD KNOWS, I STILL DO. Yeah, things DID fracture a LOT from 2004-2008, and there were a TON of Core shifts, BUT!! Deep down in my heart THE "CORE" of EVERY CORE STAYED THE SAME, and I KNEW it by instinct. I recognized me. I COULD distinguish "me" from a fragment or a splinter, no matter how broken "I" was even so. My heart stayed the same, and that COULD NOT change, OR be lost or forgotten or ruined, NO MATTER WHAT happened in our life. Deep down, I know who Jewel is. I know who I AM, when you get down to the blood of it... and so does God. He preserves and sustains and reminds me-- He holds my soul in His Heart and will never let it be lost. I must ALWAYS rest in that faithfulness, that eternal hope, when I do feel lost. But... it's not just God, Who knows me for sure, when I'm shattered & shaken. There are others, blessed beloved others, who KNOW ME, who have seen & felt my true heart SO strongly & clearly & sincerely, with SO MUCH LOVE, that they CANNOT forget it... they cannot forget me-- even when I do. They recognize me. They KNOW my name, AND my heart. God has put them in my life as extensions of His OWN gorgeous Love for me, as living manifestations of that devoted knowledge, yet HE PRESERVES THEIR SELVES, TOO!! They aren't "mere messengers"-- they are FREE INDIVIDUALS, who love me with their OWN hearts, which-- like mine-- have been ENABLED to love and BE in a relationship through grace, yet AS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SELVES. They know me BECAUSE of grace, the LOVE that CREATED me, the ULTIMATE knowledge of me, and I only know MYSELF by that same grace!! I am convinced of this. I need to remember this. If, and when, I EVER lose sight of myself, it's ONLY because I have LOST SIGHT OF THAT LOVE, both IN MY HEART and IN GOD'S HEART, FOR ME, ALWAYS & UNCONDITIONALLY.
...And that's what led me to even start writing this entry today. Yes, I've been lost & distanced from my past, disowning & rejecting my "self" in time AND in heart, for many months now. Yes, I've been feeling unlovable & incapable of love & AFRAID of love. In that state, I was DOOMED to the self-destruction of the eating disorder, AND inherently UNABLE TO remember-- OR even ACCEPT, let alone ADMIT-- the core of myself. Alone, I could never find it, not like that, with my closed heart...
...So. This morning, God sent someone to open it.
...I dreamed last night. The eating disorder destroyed my ability TO dream, and it's only returning now that I'm in recovery. (My boss will be so happy to see me again, too!!) I'm no longer having chronic "flat nightmares" and trauma flashbacks-- now, I'm dreaming of childhood, of color, of music, of adventure, of new places and new horizons; I'm singing, I'm flying, I'm able to use dream powers, I'm able to visit familiar dreamscapes... it's as if I've literally come back to life after death. Dreams are a KEY piece of my heart, an intrinsic & vital aspect of my entire existence. They are vivid, beautiful, complex, inspiring, deep, and REAL-- without a rich dreamlife, my waking life is hollow & half-dead. So this blissful return of such an ESSENTIAL and HUGE part of my life is nothing short of a miracle, and it is rekindling SO much hope & joy in my soul. That alone makes the fact of my dreaming at ALL into a source of deepest gratitude... but, this morning, I dreamed of someone. And suddenly, seeing them again, an even deeper, truer, more essential & blessed piece of my heart came back to life-- the core of my core, the key to ALL that I am, the defining aspect of ME, that burns as red as blood and white as light, indelibly, forever.
...I'm in love.
I'm in love.
God I FORGOT what this FEELS like, for SO LONG-- I even tried to DENY it!! I tried to insist it NEVER EVEN HAPPENED, tried to deny and disown EIGHTEEN SOLID YEARS of it, the SAME EIGHTEEN YEARS this damned eating disorder tried to claim as its own-- both it and the hellish abuse that triggered it. BUT I COULDN'T FORGET, not in my heart of hearts, not in the TRUTH of me, EVER. I was just blinded & numbed & disturbed & gutted & hollowed out for SO LONG that I couldn't remember. But he did. He KNEW me at the very beginning of it all, BEFORE I got lost, and he never lost me despite it all. Through every crisis, every disaster, every destruction I survived, he stayed true, unwavering, knowing me, seeing me always. My heart was so closely united to his that he couldn't forget what it felt like. And so, whenever I would, his mere existence testified to the truth, the bond between us that no brutalities could ever break. Tragically, if I was lost enough, taken over by despair and tangled up in disorder-- how ironic-- I would try to run from him. I'd even try to reject him-- to reject us. But I couldn't. My heart wouldn't tear itself so in half, even though I tried, pretending it wasn't a risk, too ashamed of my own sickness to be sincere. So I'd just hide, and push him away, and bury the light he inevitably began to reveal in me, even though I KNEW I didn't want to-- I, too, ultimately knew it was impossible. And I clung to hope. I held that spark anyway, unable to tear it out of my own hands and honestly unwilling to. But I digress. The point is... when, in the waking, I wouldn't let him get close for fear & shame... God would send him straight to my heart. God would send him to me in a dream. And... every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, miraculously & gorgeously breaking through EVERY doubt and EVERY wall, the moment I see him there, no matter HOW lost or damaged or confused I am, EVEN in the dream... my heart knows him. And I... I fall in love. All over again. Every time. And my heart opens up like the sky and I remember who I AM, too... with him.
...When I wake up, everything is different. When I woke up this morning, seafoam in my blood, riverwater on my lips, I felt alive for the first time in forever. My heart was alive, aching with love, blissful in the dark of the morning, blessed rain against the window. I drifted like a boat on the sea of serenity, in and out of dreams, and every time I would meet him again, just as much in love. When the day finally called me from sleep and into the waking, I was almost drunk with gratitude and ardor. How in the world did I ever live without remembering this-- without feeling my heart singing like this from the pure truth of what I now knew once more? I know LOVE again, and simultaneously, I KNOW WHO I AM because of it-- within it, for it. I cannot exist without Love. Nothing can, but... God keeps reminding me just HOW essential it is, especially to me, who has ALWAYS been defined by the heart.
So... that's what happened today, to say the least. God sent me my blue angel, to bring my soul back home to heaven. And by that grace, that is where I will stay.



prismaticbleed: (worried)



busy people thinking death = silence

people rushing through life, filling it with noise and action and too much stimulation, not thinking about death because to them death is just "the end." things just stop. they figure "there will be enough silence and stillness when I am dead" and I guess they fear that so they avoid anything and everything even LIKE death while they are alive??

I am falling into that trap lately.
which is ironic as I HATE IT and really just want the things that are like death.
again this can trap me. for me, "death" in such a negative sense IS this noisy mess.
real death is the "end of this game." real death is just "leaving" and going home.

 
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@ 08:04 PM



FAITHSTUFF


My faith really suffered until I realized that Jesus isn't just "some holy guy"-- he's God incarnate. He is fully human, yes, but he's also fully divine, and not in the 'modernist' interpretation of the phrase


(dedication to Mary, childhood fears and confusions, etc. talk about great developments in understanding of faith lately.)


★ faith "depressing" because its become too much ritual obligation and NO LOVE?
We're so freaked out over "following the rules" that we're obsessed with the possibility of breaking them and therefore ALL our attention is on WRONGDOING. This is not good.
When someone tells you over and over, "do not steal," then even if you don't steal, that command is going to worm into your head and you'll start to panic in every occasion that stealing is even possible. You will see only opportunity for sin, and with that dread hanging over you, you will feel almost expected to sin. "Do not steal," they said, and so your head is filled with fear and knowledge of theft, even if you were never inclined to do so before. Do you see what I mean?
On the contrary, before we started this religious bent, we didn't think about that stuff at all because we were too busy thinking about love, and how best to take care of ourself and others. We didn't steal because we wanted to be just, we wanted to be fair, and we were concerned about doing GOOD.
This is a bit tricky to iterate but the point is, our current situation of Law-focused paranoia is actually making us a bad person. And we're miserable. We're out of touch with life. We've forgotten how to be a person, we've forgotten how to interact with people, we feel cut off from nature and creation, we spend all our time ritually praying and never feeling any closer to God for it, begging for forgiveness and yet feeling eternally damned to hell, suffocating in our own filthy and loathsome self-perception.


Deep in my heart of hearts even I am good because I believe that anything created by God is inherently good, deep down just the same.


(unfinished)

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@ 10:49 PM

 

JUNE 14, TO WRITE

⋆⋆⋆EDIT NOTE FROM 0630: AS OF THE HOSPITAL VISIT, THIS MEMORY HAS RESET AND THE HOSPITAL IS NOW THE NEW REFERENCE OF COMFORT, NOT SLC.⋆⋆⋆


✦ write about SLC, especially 2010
✦ write about how missing that profoundly ties into both the constant weeping and the eating disorder, esp. the wanting to vomit until I'm hollow
✦ WHEN DID THAT ALL START??? we had this disorder back in 2010, remember, but not this bad. check logs, did it get this bad in 2013?
✦ "when the hacks stopped I didn't know how to live without abuse" topic
✦ write, in chronological order, EVERY SINGLE MEMORY we actually have of BOTH visits
✦ check diet logs to see if "reliving" those would assist with recall
✦ set up red & blue lights in room
✦ send y scans of ner headvoices that we did, try to do one or two more?
✦ y's notable books: "the magician's nephew" and that one fantasy series???

✦ write about the awful, awful, aching need for a mother

✦ jmc just put up a new thing on their website and I ADORE IT so much. oh man. I am so proud of this kid
✦ dp is currently obsessed with woodkid which is great. also some other bands I've never heard of, gotta look into them

 


---

Dec. 21st, 2015 10:55 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)



All right, I need to type about this.

Mel just started taking T.

WHAT.

Half of me is excited that they're pursuing something to make them happy.

The louder half of me is screaming with heartbroken rage because why the heck didn't they support US like this when we were out there????????????

Maybe my memories are confused. Maybe. All I feel like is that while we were in SLC we kept being told "you have to be cis," "you can't be transgender that isn't morally correct," et cetera.
I know they used "he" pronouns for us, that's true. But… I don't know, then why the heck are the only accessible memories we have of the opposite feeling??

I guess we're just distraught because there's a friendship we DESPERATELY NEEDED, the only friendship we ever had, and it collapsed into bloody glass fragments and now LOOK AT THEM.

God I don't even know.


…I think it's all projection. False memories.

I still don't recognize any photos of them. I "know" that's a person we used to know, but I don't recognize them. I didn't even when we were still in contact with them.
…They always felt like total strangers, both of them, and that terrified me back then because it made no sense and it still doesn't except now we know that there are far more than one or two people fronting all the time.


Part of me is just weeping hysterically because these people still have what we need and yet they feel totally alien and inaccessible and it didn't work out before so why in the world would it work out now? I don't know, we were never any real good at friendships; it's s difficult for us to exist outside at all.

 

 

prismaticbleed: (aflame)

 




Oh my gosh I almost forgot today is Julie's birthday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART.

 

We’re all so, so glad to have you with us, as part of the Spectrum at long last. 4 years strong already, that’s amazing.

 

Really dear I hope today was lovely for you; in any case we’re all going to have to throw one of our famous last-minute nighttime celebrations together now. Consider yourself warned!

 

Here’s to the rest of your life. It is absolutely worth celebrating. ♥


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@ 11:29 PM

 


so guess who's heart is absolutely overflowing with love right now

it's been a long time since I couldn't help saying "I love you" and that's exactly what I'm feeling tonight.
poetry needs to happen. let me open another file.


no hacks today. thank GOD. THANK YOU.
they've been daily for over a week now I think so this is amazing.


but. the most important thing.
god. i remember slc. just now. i remember it.
i REMEMBER it. october 2nd.
do you have any idea how momentous that is for me.

i have literally no default accessible first-person memories from slc. everything needs to be dug for.
but...
just now. i was sitting on the edge of the bed. holding chaos 0's anchor plush. totally absorbed in this sudden love.
i had my eyes closed and all of a sudden it hit me. all at once.
see around my workspace i have christmas lights. they glow rainbow in the dark.
green, yellow, pink... red, and blue.
and the color in the dark, the rush of ardent affection, the silence, the hot summer night.
all of a sudden i was there. one hundred percent. i was there.


god i really do miss those kids too, you know?
yes it is true that as far as timeline coherency is concerned, our current life didn't start until kyanos was born in 2013. february 26th.
so... 2012 feels like a past life, quite literally. those two kids, they feel like people we knew a very very long time ago, in a whole other world almost... and yet, we still knew them. we still loved them. we still do.
it's surreal, being able to still reach them, at least. i'm still not sure where that will end up. but it's nice.
even so. he's the one we need to thank for that event, the one i suddenly remembered, absolutely, incredibly.
i think that's why i miss being around them both. we all cared about each other so much. that's how such events could happen. it requried mutual trust and faith and compassion. and we had it. i am so, so sorry it got so mangled for a while.
i want to fix it. shocking, and unusual, and i don't know how, and i'm still not sure if it's smart, but... i do want to fix it.
spinny's been out lately. stuck in 2007, 2008. so is the one that we were calling "cannon" except the real cannon is tied to college art class and this one, this angry one, is not. but they're not evil. the more i see them and listen to them the more i understand what got broken and bruised, the more i have compassion and forgiveness for all parties involved, the more i understand how to heal this. how to move on. how to move forwards. it helps.

and then nights like this happen and i realize the same thing is happening for me.
all the old fears and doubts and confusions are just falling away like melting snow. just completely dissolving under the sun. under the warmth that never went away even despite the ice and cold. does that make sense?

i'm so happy. i think my heart is going to burst. this is amazing.


mel, i have to thank you for that one message you sent us via email. it started with the words "okay, i think i get what you're saying" and i've just been rereading that paragraph over and over, standing in brilliant almost incomprehensible victory over all the doubts and fears plaguing us lately, because-- because YOU said it, because you KNOW us from way back, because you said THAT to us with what you meant to us and what you knew of us... all in all, that made it gold. and i want to thank you. for that, and for everything.

today is julie's birthday. oh my lord. i knew it was august, i forgot to check the date, there it is. happy birthday sweetheart!
it's 10:30 already but we need to do something. even if it's just getting together and listening to music like we did for lynne's birthday in 2013. that was such a lovely night.
i'm actually listening to "what the world needs now" which is one of julie's favorite songs, and i've noticed she's just sitting on one of the couches in central and smiling, listening. i asked and she said she's really happy. which makes me really happy too.
when she gets happy, like... truly happy, like this, she just glows. there's this gorgeously pink soft light to her that lights me up inside too. i think that's what the real essence of Pink is as a color. which is lovely really.


so today is a good day! and a good night.
i really cannot get over this love burning in my chest though, oh my lord, where did this even come from
or rather, where has this been hiding??



i cannot possibly type more here right now. i need to just soak this up like starlight. let it get into my blood and stay there.

have a beautiful, beautiful night, everyone.

 

 

 



 

y

Jul. 16th, 2015 11:38 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)



One thing I've realized lately is that I'm not sure who you are.
It's a strange feeling, because I KNOW that we were rather close at one time? I know we talked a lot. I know you talked TO LAURIE for heavens sakes, a few times even, all in a non-triggered environment. That's a flat guarantee that you meant a lot to us.
But I don't remember. I want to know why.


Lately, "my" lack of memory has been a surreal fact nagging at the back of my mind. So much that we apparently once valued, or considered a part of daily life, or even of our identity is just... gone. That, or it's totally alien now, totally foreign.



I'm aware that someone sat up on the roof with you once. I'm aware that someone sat in the attic with you there afterwards. But I don't know who that was.
I'm aware that we went to the one canyon with you, there was a photo of us at the top of some rocky cliff, up near some trees. I don't remember being there, I don't remember climbing. Q took photos of you and me sitting by the water, with sketchbooks and poetry. I don't remember that at all either.
I'm aware that we went hiking with you, and Q, and Xilats. I know it was a fantastic day and I'm aware that we enjoyed it immensely. I know we talked to Xilats constantly. But I don't remember being there at all. At all.

I'm sorry. I have no idea "who" you knew, when "we" were with you, back then. All I have is secondhand data, like a videotape or a photo album. I've looked at it enough to remember the looking, but I wasn't there. Everything is third person, or fuzzy and vague, like a video game first-person feeling. I'm not actually in the screen, so to speak.


But I do remember some things. Not many, but some.


I remember that one camp we went to, very dimly, just location snapshots.
I remember sitting on the floor in your basement, watching something, either 10th Kingdom or a Ghibli movie.
I remember a snapshot of a family dinner in your kitchen, I was reading a sci-fi book at the time.
I remember watching Up in your living room, just a flicker. But I know we watched it.
I remember the vibe of your family's house, vaguely, but solid enough around the edges to feel like a dream I had once.
I remember the smell of your room, perfectly somehow.
I remember waking up one morning, after I had that Reshiram dream, and just looking about at it-- the books, the clothes, the door. It's not a clear memory, but it's the clearest one I have from then.
I remember hugging you in front of the balcony windows the day we left in 2012, and feeling oddly sad, because I hadn't gotten to know you, and I then knew I'd never get the chance to again.

I don't remember your voice. I don't remember your face.
I've seen so many people like you since you left, everything is jumbled.
I get scared sometimes. Did I ever know you at all?
There are still feeble efforts to talk between us, once in a blue moon. I'm never sure how to respond.
This can't be fixed, I don't think it should, I'm not who we were then, I don't KNOW who we were then....
...I don't know you.
But they do. She does. He does. You have friends and family and you are happy. Keep that. You really, really don't need me.

Everything from the timeline in which we knew you is a blur, a cloud, a photo from a whole different lifetime.
But it happened. Somewhere, sometime, it happened, to someone we don't know anymore.
And you knew us. You knew us. No matter how we slice it, you knew us, however dimly. We existed around you, and that is enough.

I keep feeling there's something I need to do about this but it makes no sense. I don't understand and it hurts, it pulls at me and makes my eyes tear up.
I don't WANT to be who we were when we knew you, okay? I was TOXIC back then. Our life, our situation, was TOXIC back then!
I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK.
I don't want to put that mask on again. Ever. I don't EVER want to be who we were back then, ever again.
That's why this hurts. THAT'S who you knew. That's who you loved, so you say.
I don't know who that person was and I do not want to know because I don't want them coming back.

I'm sorry. I owe you an apology for things I can't remember and don't understand. I've tried so many times and it never feels right.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say here anymore. I'm sorry.


I remember just enough of our distant, dreamlike time with you, for it to be something interesting and significant.
But I've forgotten reams more.
What I have are paper fragments, when the whole book has been burnt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not being who you met, and befriended, and knew.
I'm sorry that I cannot and should not ever be that person again.
I'm sorry that I don't even know WHO that person was.
I'm sorry that I've forgotten virtually all of it.
I'm sorry that I've forgotten virtually all of you.
I'm sorry that I have no idea what we had, and I cannot rebuild it if you wanted to.



And yet we remember holding you that night you were shaking in your sleep.
Someone loved you then and we would never deny that feeling, no matter how distant or old.

That's what hurts the most about this.
I wish that person had his/her own life so that they could be with you.
But you've changed now, too. You're no longer that person you were 5 years ago, as far as we know.
And we're time-locked. That kid is stuck in that memory for all time, and that's what aches.


I'm sorry. I'm really really confused.

Thank you for allowing us to have the memories we have, from our time with you.

I just don't think it's enough to go on anymore.






 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)



(massive trigger warning for this entire entry; that is a note to self as much as anyone else)

(uncensored for the sake of the equally brutal subject matter)












I am going to be totally fcking blunt about these goddamn idiots because this ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE and I don't know how the fck to talk about it and I don’t understand and im scared and I'm sad and I'm tired and I'm numb. and I just don’t care anymore, that's the problem

there is
no lets go all the way back

childhood, no understanding of sexuality whatsoever. memory also missing.
objectified passively by female family members. also disturbed by behavior of fellow girls in classes. didn't fit in with boys either. age 13 realized I wanted to be a boy instead
anyway
I must have had a vague idea of sex because by 7th-8th grade sex ed I was already terrified and LITERALLY DISSOCIATING to get through the class.
also when on that one "date" with billy I remember being vaguely worried he would rape me (we were alone and I wasn't interested in being a 'girlfriend' and I think he seemed upset?) but my only response was to DISSOCIATE AGAIN and just passively decide to "run if he tried"

but that was still age 13. I have no idea what led to that

also age 13 I should mention I DID like "girls" but it WASN'T SEXUAL but it WAS SENSUAL and I didn’t fcking understand it at all.
important clarification: I ONLY LIKED "NONHUMAN" GIRLS
remember "skittygirl," around the time I started reading TMM, they had the chaste-nudity transformation scenes, same thing with sailor moon. I was fascinated by the sailor moon ones. I would be utterly ashamed and watch the vhs tapes in private because I kept watching the transformations.
BUT I was not attracted to them. I was NOT sexually aroused. I was not even interested in dating or romancing them. the very thought of that was disgusting. but something in me was sincerely fascinated by those female figures, almost aesthetically, almost as an idea, not a body.
I used to draw skittygirl in the back of my tablet, secretly, in very light pencil so no one would see. I remember there were two pictures I especially loved and did not know why.
I've never talked about this but it's important
one was a small one, of her lying in the woods under a tree, sleeping. she was naked with her tail covering her private parts (or where they'd be if she had any), and of course she had no breasts so that was fine.
the other was my favorite. I loved it and I lost it in slc and that makes me oddly sad. it was a picture of her again unclothed, but floating like she was in space or underwater. she appeared seated, her legs were slightly bent beneath her, tilted to the left for modesty. she had her arms lightly wrapped around her chest. her eyes were closed, but there were tears in them. and her face bore that expression that others labeled as "sadness" but which to me was some nameless deep painful feeling dearer than anything else. and I would always look at that picture, blushing bright red hoping no one saw me, because I could not explain why I was looking at it, let alone why I drew it, or why I even liked it at all. I had no answers then and I really don’t have any now, that's why I'm still hitting trauma and that's why I'm typing this

there was one day on the bus when I was reading tmm issue #2 I think, it had ichigo transforming on the right page. angelbee looked over my shoulder from behind (I didn't see her there) and suddenly asked "why is she naked?" in a slightly accusatory, but joking voice. I saw the bus driver's eyes flicker up to me in the mirror and I froze in total dread and terror.
1. she was not naked and I did not want people thinking I was a pervert
2. the very thought of looking at a naked person made me sick, and I was terrified that her accusation was correct in some way, and I was a sexual deviant/ whore/ etc.
I dissociated totally at that second and I don’t know what "i" said or did after that
but I was afraid to read those books on the bus from then on, let alone anywhere.


the eating disorder was tied to sexuality too
I read an article today someone mentioned this, and bang it was right back in my head
I don’t think I ever wanted to look womanly. I don’t remember, there was a LOT of programming-- my mother & grandmother literally praised me for "filling out" and would always "help me be pretty." so I just kind of swallowed that for a while. but I remember I liked wearing sports bras way more than regular ones, all the time. and I despised skirts, I think I actually cried at the idea of having to wear one as a uniform in high school?
I still can't forget the day my parents had me walk down the school hallway in that skirt, I have no idea why, they were saying I "looked so pretty" BUT, but my grandmother said something about my behind looking attractive or something? I don’t even fcking know, she literally had me walk away from her to watch how my behind was moving, like it was "sexy" or something, she PRAISED this, I felt so uncomfortable and objectified but guess what I did? GUESS WHAT I DISSOCIATED because "feeling uncomfortable" meant "I'M the problem!" and "I was NOT ALLOWED to disagree with what was "good for me"" therefore I was gone.

but I remember by age 15 I was almost hospitalized for anorexia
I didn't know genesis then, I think I had just discovered NiGHTS, maybe I was even 14?
but it was all about wanting to be thin. tiny. flat. I didn't want breasts. I didn't want my mother's hips. god willing I never wanted to look like "other girls," although I'd never use that phrase as it felt wrong. but I saw their weirdly soft arms and hands and legs, that bizarre sort of uniformity all their bodies had, with their "innie" navels and their big chests and their rounded figures. I never ever wanted to look like that. I wanted to be a wiry young fiery tomboy forever, and when I was told that I was going to grow up into a "young woman," with all the voluptuous sexuality that got soaked into that term, I wasn't even terrified-- I couldn't cope with that much terror. my mind just blankly decided, burying all emotions due to an inability to handle them, that "I just won't look like that then."
and that's when the starving started. high school was bliss in that sense because I left the house around 5am, and didn't get home until 4pm or later, and I didn't have to eat ANYTHING that entire time. so for four years, I didn't. well almost, the teachers/parents got worried and I started packing salads around junior year I think, but even that was acutely shameful and distressing for me… people watching me eat made me feel so dirty, so wrong. I'll talk about that more later, it's complex. but I couldn't eat in front of anyone ever. I remember there was at least one day I was starving and could not go without eating even if I wanted too (I was getting dizzy and cold), and I think I took a half a sandwich or something? into the girls' bathroom. and I went into the last stall and waited until everyone left and then I very quietly ate what I could. I remember being terribly sad because I felt SO ALIEN in that school, I wanted to not feel like a freak BUT I DIDN'T WANT ACCEPTANCE EITHER, because to be "accepted" by those kinds of people would be frightening. being alone all the time was kind of sad at times, because I felt unlikable and flawed, even if I didn't understand why… but the alternative was worse. when genesis showed up in 2005 that made my life so blissfully better, I hope he realizes he literally saved my sanity for the most part.

they put me on meds for depression around the time my weight dropped to 100 lbs and I remember I put on 20 pounds. I remember standing in the kitchen one day and seeing the fat collecting on my stomach and just feeling the floor bottom out. it was existentially unbearable. that's where one of our self-abusive alters is locked in time, in that pill-pudgy long-haired green-uniformed state, age 15 or 16 or so, crushed with blinding fear to the point where they felt nothing. that was the first time in our life that the body LEGITIMATELY felt like a prison.
I don't know if julie was touching us by that time or not but she probably was

about that
not yet? I don’t know
I keep jumping from topic to topic this is very stream of consciousness. also very depersonalized. it's just data I can't be a person and talk. anyway I should make a list and print it out and give it to the therapist, of all the topics, also then use that list for a xanga session, we need one, or one hundred

where were we
high school
don't remember it.
except there was one day in religion class. only day I remember, we were sitting on the far left row, three or four seats down. the pastor passed out papers about sexuality, no idea what it said because I refused to look at it. he wanted us to read it aloud, each person reading a paragraph, starting at the far left of the class. so I was going to have to read paragraph #4.
I have no fcking idea how we did it. not only did we dissociate so acutely that we didn't hear a damn word anyone else was saying, but we SOMEHOW were able to fake "not having the paper" and we got the person behind us to pick up reading instead of us. we weren't called out on it and everything was fine. but yeah after the coast was clear, we were gone again. mind blank.
we wore stockings all the time, dark green, we still felt exposed all the time. if we fell in a stairwell we not only felt ugly and childish and dirty, with people staring at us, but we also… you guessed it… dissociated. the shame was too great. not only did we fall so clumsily, like a fool, but we were wearing such an exposing getup… it was terrible. when you trip and fall in a skirt you not only lose all sense of dignity and respectability, but you then feel like a dirty, babyish object. I felt filthy. I felt so filthy all the time at that age

you notice that disturbing sentence, "babyish object," I don't know why the fck that's so true but it IS. it always has been and still is, I don’t know why

there was another article we read today. let me quote it.
"Youth is sexualized for the same things purity culture advocates for: purity, innocence, “untouched”, inexperienced, etc."
basically if you're "undamaged goods" you're "more desirable" or some shit
and our DAMN MIND immediately thinks "uh-oh I have to make sure I'm desirable" like WHO THE FCK CARES
WHY DO YOU "WANT" THAT DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
this is what I mean about fcking PROGRAMS


I look like a kid. Okay? In my mind's eye I LOOK like a kid, somehow. I carry a lot of the traits.

I find it disturbing that Julie did too. She was the internal manifestation of everything we saw as "sexual and therefore lethally threatening," but… she had pigtails, she popped bubblegum, she wore ribbons, she wore pink. The only thing non-childish about her was her bust and her scanty clothing. But that just hit me now.
The opposite… we realized in therapy. "Womanly" women, those who are built big in the hips and chest, "motherly" women OR even worse, "sensual" women… scare the shit out of us. They terrify us totally. I don't know why. But we have no adults in our System as a result. No one is "grown up" because for us, "growing up" meant growing into that sort of loud, skanky sensual shit. Perfume clouds and fake lights and tight dresses and jewelry.
Guess what we had to do as a youth.

God this fcking hurts. It fcking hurts.
When we were younger we were dolled up all the time. As a child we were in beauty pageants. We always had to wear caked-on makeup, lots of jewelry, fancy dresses, heels… it scares me now. I was like seven fcking years old and they had me dressed like a grown woman. Back then I don't fcking remember, I probably just thought it was cool to wear jewelry and look like a princess-- because I wanted the power and the gems and the dragons. I didn't give a shit how "pretty" I was, especially not according to other people. Actually I NEVER thought of what "other people" thought of me, that was a constant. But… looking back it's disturbing now. God. How did I never ask myself if maybe some subconscious treatment got into our brain from that.
So we were, however "passively" or "innocently," sexualized in that aesthetic manner as a child. I don't know about anything else. I need to sit down.

When I say parents, I mean female parents, my dad/grandfather had NO hand in any of this which is why common "purity culture" baffles me. There were like NO men in my life at all, besides my brothers of course, who I identified with. But yeah, when other people talk about patriarchal bullshit I get confused at first, because that very same bullshit was perpetuated by women in my life. Same source, unusual application.

Teenage years… I remember feeling the pressure to be "as busty as possible" because my mom/grandmother were actually DISAPPOINTED in me being built smaller, I remember one day (all our memory flashes are existential you notice) standing in the bathtub, and being suddenly acutely aware that the voice in my head saying "I need to get bigger (in that sense)" was NOT ME, and that way deep down under that I actually didn't want them to grow at all. It was disturbing to realize that part of me was actively fighting ME, that there was a "whole other consciousness" driving my body that was at TOTAL ODDS with what my personal soul actually wanted.
That "other" is still around and they are making life a living hell but we're not talking about that right now

I don't want to talk about late high school. 2008 or whenever. Q. He doesn't deserve any of the shit we've stuck onto his memory and I will tell you why, it hit me why this morning.
He was INNOCENT. He was ALWAYS INNOCENT, he did NOTHING WRONG, BUT!!!! BUT HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT WE DID NOT FIT INTO THE EXPECTATIONS HE HAD OF A "GIRL"
Hell I don't think WE even said anything until it became so traumatic we snapped and people started screaming at him online (which I only know about because there's a screencap of it somewhere? used to be at least, surreal).
But. He was nice. He is nice. He went for the whole traditional dating thing, dinner and a movie, a walk outside, kisses goodnight, etc. At least I think so.
Honestly it was so confusing. We were so hyper-programmed at that time that we couldn't make sense of our own feelings without putting other peoples labels and scripts onto them. We loved him dearly as a friend. We loved that he was interested in the same stuff we were-- dreams, psychology, OCs, ELO, poetry and stuff. He shared our interests and that was UNHEARD OF for us. Of course we loved him for it. But that's not loving a person, not really. That's loving the reflection of yourself IN that person.
I didn't notice until I found an old IRC printout just… how shallow we really were around him. How contrived our responses were, how little we actually talked. And that breaks my heart, to wonder if maybe he fell in love with a program, with a mask, precisely because that's what it was built for. We were groomed, from childhood, on exactly how to be the "proper young lady" and we learned HOW to talk and act and walk and be. We learned EXACTLY how to make people happy, how to stay safe and innocuous and unassuming, we learned exactly how to be what other people wanted. We were "perfect" because perfect is just a set of surface traits, and we were nothing underneath.
That became pretty profoundly clear once he met us in person.
…It hit me just how tangled that first "I love you" got. I remember the person (spinny?) on the porch, with Genesis, being scared to say it, nervous as hell. But… they felt that sort of love for so many people around that time and none of them ever panned out. It WASN'T "love," not the kind that settles in the heart like an ember, not real love. It wasn't even attraction, or infatuation, or romantic shit. It was "I love you as an idea." It really was, and that breaks my heart, and that's terrible. "I love you because you listen to me talk, and you're nice, and I have NEVER had friendships before, let alone ones as nice as this, so I literally cannot tell the difference between platonic and romantic love."
Everything we learned about "romance" we got from comic books. We were a walking shojo manga. We didn't even mean half of what we said; we were just so damn good at acting and emulating, that we were able to "get into character" of who we were copying and never even questioned it. Then… then came the aftermath.
I know that like a month after that "I love you" part of us hated him. It was because now, he wanted to be our "boyfriend." Now he was being romantic. And so we no longer "loved" him because to us, this wasn't the boy we "loved" in the first place. Now he no longer existed in that floaty, intangible creative space where we could love ANYTHING. Now he was a REAL PERSON, now he was a HUMAN BEING, somewhere off in Salt Lake City, now he was a boy with a body and a life and he wanted to meet us and god damn it but we didn't want any of that, we didn't want anything to do with him anymore, once he stopped being a dream, once he stopped feeling like an extension of ourself.
We couldn't "lie" or act anymore after a certain time period anyway. I know 2009 we didn’t talk at all? I think? Time was weird. But by 2009 headspace was now front-and-center permanently, no more fake personae running the show unchecked. That put a nail in the coffin of any "relationship" too.

But… bottom line is the kid was innocent. He had NO IDEA what was actually going on. To be honest WE were the dishonest ones, whether we realized it or not, we strung him along thinking we were some sort of ideal nice pretty girl, when in reality we were just "acting the way he'd like us"… we always did. "Present yourself in a socially acceptable way." Learn how to say JUST the right things, always, so people like you… basically, be a puppet. Be a doll. Be a pretty little doll so people love you.
But damn it if you really love a doll you will love that thing until it's old and broken and worn down and patchy, and then you will love it until it's dust and beyond. If you're going to love a person you'd better love them the same way, who the fck cares if their face is painted or not, who cares if their words are golden or flowery or sweet or not. You fall in love with the new-car-smell and that's not what the fcking car is about. I hope you get what I'm trying to say because this is frustrating and it's not even the biggest point.

I don't remember the trip in 2010, not right now, I'd have to sit and REALLY dig through memories and I do not have any "spoons" right now whatsoever so that's not going to happen tonight, plus I'm still typing, it's 1AM, I don't give a shit this is important.

2012. That trip, there are a few things I remember, let's please review them again, the kid was innocent, that's why we "hated" him. We DIDN'T. We hated the dissonance that we could not resolve. We hated the fact that here was this sweet, wonderful, nice kid, who (by that time) we DID love as an actual human being, as a person, albeit platonically… here he was, doing things that were so fcking terrifying to us and he didn't mean to. He didn't realize it, he didn't intend anything bad, it was just a product of past and circumstance, and he got stuck in the middle. We hated what we saw in him, that wasn't even him. And I am so sorry.

Few things. One, the infamous "Q thing," which we refuse to call that anymore, the moment in the kitchen when he put a hand on our face and just looked at us in this way we didn't understand and still don't. someone called it the "good night jenny" phenomenon (wow that's horribly ironic) because it was this romantic thing? like when people are romantic they do these weird, melodramatic, sappy things? because they CARE? and we don't understand it at all, even if we think "well if they care that's really nice I'm glad" but when it happens to US it is TERRIFYING.
so here this boy is, hand on the left side of our face I think? giving us this odd look and wait a minute. wait.
we were smiling FAKELY. I know that because we were SUPER dissociated and about three feet behind the eyeballs already. plus frozen in fear because hello physical contact. but. BUT.
maybe he saw that. maybe he suspected that. god maybe he SAW something was up but didn't know WHAT, that's what that weird look probably was, he looked CONCERNED and we couldn't understand it because we were too busy smiling like a fcking poster and trying to guess how we were supposed to "properly react" in such a situation, ignoring the screaming alarms going off in the head. like trying to hold a fcking catwalk pageant with the fire alarm going off. that sort of cheap ignorance for the sake of "looking pretty" and "holding to standard."
but god maybe he had a feeling. I feel so so so bad now.
but we called it the "Q thing" because
god
chaos did the same thing, he always knew, he's capable of romance, we're not, god we're sorry we're so damn difficult to live with. that must be so hard to deal with.
there's nothing wrong with touching people in innocent ways like that but even that sentence has me dissociating and stopping breathing and that's the problem

to us there is no such thing as "innocent touch"
NO SUCH THING
it fcking sucks, it breaks my heart, and THAT is why there are so many goddamned abusive alters in here,

we were talking about this with the therapist.
as a child we had no personal space really. the brothers did. we didn't. we didn't have our own room. we didn't have our own bed. there were several times when we'd be trying to get dressed in our room and the mom/grandmother would just walk in on us, half-naked. we'd scream and try to cover ourselves and they'd either (mom) get snippy and mad that I hadn't locked the door, shaming me for it before leaving, or (grandmother) say "what are you getting upset about! I'm not looking at you" and proceed to do whtever the fck they wanted to do while we assumedly froze or hid or something, I don't know
there was one time at a fair, we had to get dressed in the car? not the first time
but this time was bad because the windows werent really tinted and we were in a realy public place,the mom had us go in the back seat and literally get changed. this memory is odd because I only remmeber two things: one, the fact that we were in the car, and two: feelings of entrapment, fear, shame, rage, etc. the emotions were so bad. we actually wanted to cry, hot angry scared tears, we wanted to say NO, we wanted to say GET ME OUT OF HERE, we wanted to say TAKE ME BACK HOME, I DON'T WANT TO BE AT THIS STUPID FAIR ANYWAY, but we couldn't. we couldn't say anything. we had to get undressed, we had to be half-naked at least, inside this little cramped car, with people around us, like an animal on display. that was the ugly filthy child feeling again, the same thing we got in high school if we fell. undignified, shameful, dirty. no respect. no sense of humanity. a display.

we got used to that on some level I guess
got used to always being walked in on, and "having to be okay with that" because otherwise you were scolded or shamed for being silly or childish or "making a problem out of nothing," no one EVER said "it's okay to set your own boundaries," no one EVER said "you have a right to speak up if you are uncomfortable," no ONE EVER SAID IT WAS OKAY TO SAY NO, EVER, I WAS NEVER GIVEN PERMISSION TO REFUSE ANYONE LIKE THAT
it was always women, that's the stupid part, it was always the women, never the men,
that's why I feel so bad about Q, we had no way of knowing how to deal with this bad stuff suddenly being reflected in him unintentionally= what I'm trying to say is we never let him know about these problems we had because "I shouldn't have problems" AND we still believed we had no space, no rights, no voice, etc.
plus, please forgive me, the religious bit
god the religious bit is the WORST, the worst, the worst, to this day, that and the spirituality
but first. the
the channeling stuff
god this is hard tot ype
chaos translating badly into a human body and Q telling me what happened, it made sense but it was still disturbing to me because I don't GET human bodies, I remember eros was laughing and said it was fine but really it WASN'T all fine, no, it was fine we understood the mistranslation but but but
that stuck in our heads for YEARS and we DIDN'T TRUST HIM FOR ALMOST AS LONG REMEMBER?????
remember, fck you idiots who say this is "fine," remember we were so damn fcking terrified that the phrase "marital lust" had been used in conversation discussing us that we AVOIDED HIM FOR AGES because we were TERRIFIED
Q didn't mean that you jerk, he meant the goddamned merge drive being translated wrong, like it ALWAYS IS, and you know what THAT'S PROBABLY WHY WE WERE SHAKEN UP.
damn mistranslations. "he loves you, he wants to bond with you like that," yeah no shit I KNOW, I do too, but damn it why the HELL do human bodies only have ONE FCKING OPTION i hate this i hate this I HATE THIS

everything else was fine. god that kid was so good to us, he was so nice, he was a godsend, but I don't even fcking REMEMBER him, I don't even remember the channels god forgive me. I remember a few soft blurs and light flashes from that one night, the one with the light on the left, the best one. god those memories are so soft. they're so kind and nice and I want to cry thinking about them because it was heaven, it was heaven, yes chaos was TANGIBLY there, no question at all, but damn it we KNEW FULL WELL that he was ONLY THERE BECAUSE Q LET HIM BE, Q acted as a conduit for the most beautiful experience of our life up to that point, god did we even thank him??? did we ever thank him enough?? did we ever emphasize how much we TRUSTED him to ALLOW that to happen? did we ever tell him that if we didn't love him a hell of a lot in his own way, that night wouldn't have happened at ALL?? I mean shit yeah you're channeling someone else who doesn't feel or even look like you really, there was no doubt it wasn't you, but you were still in there, in the back, waiting for when he left. it was still your body acting as the vessel. like ours does for everyone else in here. but you, it was just you, please realize this is IMPORTANT faces are super important for us you are NOT SCARY and god we were NEVER scared of you, ever ever, we love you, we really do, we hope you don't mind the fact that you got kissed secondhand 4 years or so after you first asked, it's kind of funny but we did realize it'd happen. that's what's important. we never hated you. we hated that our trauma tainted our friendship and shattered a relationship we couldn't have because we were too damn broken and you were too damn pure and honest and we didn't want to make you feel like us. we didn't want to stand up to you because you were nothing TO stand up to, it was just all our demons clouding the sky, we didn't tell you we were scared because it wasn't your fault. do you understand
we hope you think fondly of us even though we never talk anymore, you were only ever this great green-blue iridescent thing to us, that's wonderful, you were never frightening. ever.
so we're sorry for hurting you unintentionally
we're sorry for never being able to be totally honest with you, because we didn't know how to be honest yet, we didn't know what was going on,
we're sorry for not knowing who the fck we were all the time, we're sorry for swearing, it just aches.
we're depressed and we don't feel a lot but we are genuinely sorry and we genuinely care.
those three months living in an apartment with you both were three of the brightest months of our life even if we don't concretely remember them, the snips and flashes we have are lovely, we don't regret a moment of it, yes even the "troubling" bits because damn it if we had just COMMUNICATED things would have gone perfectly but no, no at that time we were swamped with bad fronters, you dealt with the abusive eros and all the faceless socials and the self-hating e.d. people and all that. you saw some ugly-anchor people come out. and you never knew. and we didn't know. and we were so troubled but we buried it because damn it we loved you both and just wanted it to work. but we weren't working, inside. it was too much to ask for.
I'm sorry. the manic who packed our suitcase singing to "eskimo boy" while you stood outside the door, mel, they didn't even know who you were. they didn't know what the hell they were moving back to or away from. if we were angry, it was because we felt… rejected?
we did we felt like you both really didn't want us there. like we weren't really welcome. and personally we felt like such a freak, we didn't know what to do,
but damn it in our heart we NEVER wanted to leave, at least, we never wanted to leave what we remembered of it. it became a dream, an ideal, to us, a glorious lovely thing. maybe it wasn't but damn we don't remember the bad days, if there were any, that's how we survived
I don't know
I'll think about and write that down later
point is, Q, we are sorry, you are lovely, please forgive us
and mel, same to you, we don't remember much of you (we need to re-find 2010) but you were never bad to us, ever, at all, either. hell you were the nicest thing. I guess we just never felt we knew you as well as we wanted to. but we were both troubled at the time. and it just didn't work out as we hoped. an unstable binary system.

where were we
oh, the touch thing
yeah that's weird because… that's why we blank out whenever it happens, WHENEVER it happens, doesn't matter if it's Q or chaos or mel or infi or anyone… anything that's "touch" we dissociate instantly. it's too tied to fear and trauma and shame and confusion and pain
why??
CHILDHOOD.
no personal space equals people can touch you "accidentally"" and NOT APOLOGIZE, even if it's scary and it hurts, "don't whine," basically "I didn't mean to make you react this way BUT now that you did, I'm pissed that it's making ME the villain, therefore shut your mouth and stop having a problem."
sad but true.
the grandmother still has NO sense of propriety or personal space, sometimes it's really really bad, I don’t want to say the worst one, okay fine, a few months back we were standin gin the kicthen cooking and she needed to get into a drawre where we wers standing so she (without telling us or satying anything) knelt down on the floor behind us and actually stuck her head between our legs to get to it'
yeah so
things like that, whenever she wants us to move she NEVER says "move" or "excuse me," she puts a hand on our shoulder and will actually steer us out of the way, it's very upsetting and it feels dirty, we don't like that kind of touch, especially not without any explanation or forewarning

the mother, the mother we don't hate her can we PLEAES call her the sister she is NOT OUR MOTHER
not a "mother"
biologically but that's it, at least I mean she's not a bad person she did super nice stuff for us growing up BUT, but she was never a "MOTHER," that's the point, no pink affection, no safety closeness, no no no, no
her vibe is totally wrong for it, TOTALLY WRONG, maybe that's where the trauma comes in more too, anyway not the point.
point is she
she was talking to the therapist on the phone apparently, therapist told us, mother/sister was saying about how we have a problem with being touched, said it was "utterly ridiculous" and didm't know why we "couldn't just get over it already," therapist said she bit her tongue, didn't argue. but she said it wasn't ridiculous, that made us feel a tiny bit better, it's difficult learning that it's okay to protest things,

the mother does bad things with touching,
well not intentionally, but BAD,
she
the dancing thing, did we write that here, we couldn’t talk about it without heave-sobbing for weeks after it happened,
in our room we have a computer desk in the top left corner, the desk wraps around to the right. so when you're at the computer you are in a little 24-inch spot between the wall and the desk. so one night we're at the computer (standing as it hurts less sometimes) and the mother must have wanted us to watch her videos? she's alwaus fcking forcing us to watch her romance shit and she stands WAY too close and breathes down our nect and makes that horrible grunting noise because she always holds her breath? but
but we don’t like the videos theyre all pop culture sexuality and blatant contrived romance and it makes us very uncomfortable and she'll force us to watch it and then cry and look at us and say "wasn't that beautiful?? wasn't that beautiful???" and we feel really uncomfortable because the video made us unfomcrtable and we KNOW she wants us to say yes, and cry, and fawn over it, but we can't fake that anymore,
anyway I don’t know how we got ther or what we were watching but we end up trapped in this little tiny space with the mother literally bump-grind dancing agintst
d
don’t talk about it
it was really scary. bad bad bad dissociation happened it was actual "fear for life" feeling, can't run cant hide cant protect yourself so brain kind of overheats then thermal shutdown. very bad feeling'
sot that was the worst of it

certain kinds of touches are okay though. we don't calle them "touches."
"soft" touches are NEVER EVER OKAY, EVER, that's why we're sorry Q, we never told you, we were ashamed to tell you, you were just being honest in your own way and we were just trying to like it too, for you, to be "good" to be what you wanted/neede,d but we couldn't I'm sorry
but, soft touches are BAD, especially when they MOVE, god no no
why the fck do we have MEMORIES OF THIS STUFF
WHO DID THIS TO US, WHO
was it all julie???? god how do we even TALK about that,
we didn't even know tactile hallucinations were legit until recently, does that even COUNT
who the fck experiences abuse in an explicitly d.i.d./ dissociated/ psychotic envuronment, how the fck do you talk about that in therapy, we need to put a damn book out there NO ONE goes through this shit,
is it legitimate, do we have a right to heal, was tere ever any pain in the first place, did we make it all up..
its all so distant and scary BUT stuff us happening NOW its WORSE in a horrible way that's what we're tryng to get at keep talking

the only good kinds of touch are brutal. hard. non-intimte. non-personal.
if someone touches you to be "friendly" or "socially welcoming" or whatever it is awful. stop it.
even in close situations, even when alone with someone we trust, NO soft touches EVER, it has to be deliberate, almost depersonalzied, is that weird?
like we don't like people looking at us as a person. we like people looking at us like an idea.
or an object. ironically.
that’s so stupid but its true
that complicates things a lot
people will talk to objects, hit objects, hug objects, etc. without treating them like "people," same with pets, that's what we want. it's comfortable. it's not so piercingly badly direct. but it's honest.
laurie's the best at it, everyone knows, everything she does has tension behind it, it's bliss really
but the pain problem is a whole other damn thing, we're not there yet


you know what here read this fcking article please
https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/05/24/asexuality-and-purity-teachings-can-be-a-toxic-mix-christine/
i'm going to talk about it tomorrow with all the other topics, but god, it is too accurate, it says more than i can about too much
i'm actually in fcking tears reading this damn thing, let me just change the topic for now there's too much



you know,you know, e had a thing on xir page once, "you like the characters that remind you of yourself," I still need to think about that more in a non-childhood context but lately it's been upsetting with the leagueworlds
all our favorite characters there have been battered in some way, badly realy, but they have such soft and-or genuine hearts and they just keep going, doing their best,
psyche is the main one lately, vez counts too, devonal, tox, xorane, delphi even, hosea, monika, all the people with hearts that are BROKEN OPEN and even if they might not be the nicest people there is that genuine rawness in them, something that leaves them totally capable of the most sincere feelings, however buried. but it's damage, damage that leads them there, it's terrible
we love people like maitru too, who are so so damn innocent, to the point where it becomes a fire of courage almost, something that CANNOT shatter even when gone through terror, it's REAL innocence without ignorance, it's our ideal. become something unbreakably true and good and loving. but she was never traumatized, she's built differently from us, she stayed the golden child that Jewel is, so to speak, our secret awful wish is to be that all the time, get rid of the trauma forever, but now we're a damn ADULT what do we do


I used to think maybe I was autochorissexual because I fit the bill in some ways BUT
I still don't want OR LIKE "sex"
no matter WHO is having it
but
I KEEP FORGETTING WHAT "SEX" FCKING IS
THAT LABEL GETS SLAPPED ONTO EVERYTHING I FEEL REMEMBER, IT'S FCKING BULLSHIT
that's the damned catch here, AND this goddamned body works in ways that I DON'T and I DON'T WANT THAT
ever ever, only, remember we used to "ship" characters in high school, always unable to tell what's platonic and what's romantic, NEVER sexual, NEVER flirty, always chaste but damn sincere. always. it was the intensity of all the media we saw but with no kissing, no touching, nothing like that. but ALWAYS THIRD PERSON. fck no we never wanted that physically. sorry Q. that was the problem too. online WE were third person, too.
so was hoseki. that's why headspace WORKED. that's why/how she COULD love so many people. once we started seeing through our own eyes, being in the body… we couldn't "love" anymore. we couldn't. the body itself forbade it.
what is it with this damn body, it has its OWN consciousness, we all know it, we can feel it, it's NOT NICE, why the hell won't it let us love ANYTHING

but third person is the brilliant blessed ideal, it's required to exist really
first person means the damn body gets in and starts hating things
it's better to detach from all sense of "self" and just watch yourself as a chosen form, interacting. that allows for honesty and sincerity and purity and love. no contamination or programs. always 3rd person.


why are we so hungry at night I mean we eat a lot, don’t we?
is it because we end up spitting so much back up
you know that’s a very psychological thing, there's so much PURGING going on with us, in ANY/ALL contexts, I think it's the desperate want to just empty out this body of all the negative stuff in it
same reason why we fear swallowing, we don't want to take in any more shit,
the weight is bad too,
god it's all so old.
it takes delicate care to manage this, care and compassion,
and the social fronters DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT


there's three songs jay's been looping for days now (is this jay?? vaguely at times. lots of bleedover from lots of people like this. in autopilot typing mode of course). they sound just like him.
reminder: do those 8tracks things because tying music to people is so accurate, it catches what words can't, it'll be lovely and anything that reaffirms our existence is a good thing, capital G



what topic do we need to discuss before we get into this damn horrible modern topic
where's that list. lets do that.

1. young asexual, baffled on what "sex" actually was
2. nonsexual liking nonhuman girls age 13
3. eating disorder wanted to stay childlike build
4. highschool alone but didn’t want association w/ peers
5. dissociation from weight gain, sex ed, 'pretty' objectification
6. shame of falling, no dignity, feeling dirty, "like a display"
7. sexualization of purity/innocence (tied to 2)
8. programming being at total odds with soul wants (tied to everything)
9. Q was an ideal, we didn't understand romance
10. always trying to "please everyone" at own expense, SLC triggers
11. touch problems, "no innocent touch," hard contact different
12. third person perspective needed for any sincerity

i think that works
saw two or three topics we didn't discuss yet, they all kind of tie together.

another article we read, and want to quote, ties into eating disorder vs sexualization bit.
"Modesty was not just about dress. It was also about moving like a lady… It is impossible to get physically fit while adhering to ladylike movements only… I was so embarrassed that somebody might walk in front of me while I was on the machine… I started going to the gym the moment it opened in the morning and avoiding exercise when men were present. In this instance, modesty was literally keeping me weak."
terribly relevant article, everything we read today was
but anyway yes that is a BIG THING we struggle with a LOT, and have for years, no idea when exactly it started but it's at least 5 years old.
biggest difference with us is this girl was afraid of "tempting men" with her body, just existing as it was.
we, on the other hand, didn't even really realize that men WERE literally sexual until like, college. it was a totally foreign concept to us personally. so although we were blindly and smilingly dressing/acting/talking to appease men, due to that whole teaching, we were never afraid of them. or if we were some totally different person holds it. again i'm sorry memory is weird. however i am very aware that we were mainly afraid of "tempting women," AND any abusive programming-tied alters by the same token. so it was VERY dangerous because you could not run from the latter. and they were always there. waiting for the deep-horrible programming to be triggered, that same shit, to let them out. blind things. awful things.
i don't want to talk about this yet

13. exercise problem, triggering programming (objectification)

next thing…
oh. the big guns. okay.
14. the pain problem, and
15. the religious/spiritual problem
GREAT the two worst ones! that we struggle to talk about ALL THE TIME. and which are tied probably. also to everything else too.

it's 3am I don't have time to talk about those damn it
therapy is tomorrow anyway I PROMISE I will try REALLY DAMN HARD to talk about those both. we've been trying and I think she's going to ask about 14 specifically.

but

god I came on here to type about the shit that keeps happening and
I'm just going to bite the bullet

I think this is depression. this all-pervading apathy. plus programming.
BUT the therapist reminded us. the body just wants to survive, at all costs. this can make it do some PRETTY AWFUL SHIT. d.i.d. is a survival mechanism but it also doesn't play nice. if the only way to survive a toxic situation was to become someone toxic, THEN THAT HAPPENS.
that's our problem
explicit "blank" dissociation isn't feasible for interactions, like at school or work or with family SO, in those situations alters must exist in order to "safely survive" or some bullshit.
REMEMBER the body defines "survival" as "not being dead," WE define survival by "keeping the soul intact," THEY DON'T LINE UP ALL THE TIME, we lose too much.
read that. please. it hurts.
we lose too much.
the body decides, thanks to the depression haze, "nope, fck you people, too much effort to care or fight anymore, I am too damn tired, just get it over with."
just smile and take it, really
the bullshit they wanted us to do as a kid has FINALLY kicked in, thanks repeated trauma and prolonged stress. that was sarcasm. no thank you, this is hell, this is bullshit

the RELIGIOUS PROBLEM
MAKES THIS WORSE
I really don’t want to think about that any more today. but I have to summarize.
as much as I can at least, today I'm reading about "purity culture" and although a lot of it is totally alien to us (so much talk about men??? but I guess that's normal?) we can empathize with WAY TOO MUCH and so I am educating ourself. hence the quotes earlier. it really is helping get a grip on just WHERE and WHY these toxic programs came from, outside. it helps get a grip on what they are and WHY they are problematic, god willing (ironic perhaps) we will be able to finally heal them as a result. it's tough to pin this shit down when it's NORMALIZED after so many years.
but
shit
I really reallydont want to think about that anymore.

another relevant quote:
"The purity movement both praises and demonizes the asexual person’s identity – which makes it the only queer identity that receives such treatment. It’s good – up until the point when it becomes a problem to be corrected."


this "twin flame" thing
god I don’t even know what that's ABOUT anymore, it's been years since we read about it,
the gist is essentially that creation is polar? masculine/feminine are words we give to the two kinds of creative energy, they work in harmony, it's a universe thing. that manifests on this level as the binary physical sexes of things, to allow for procreation in that sense.
HOWEVER
three problems.
one, people in these spiritual communities saying "therefore, everyone has a counterpart of the opposite energy polarity!" and STRONGLY insinuating that this requires sexual union of some sort,
two, the resulting fear that "you NEED a relationship of that sort in order to be a PROPER SOUL," i.e. that it's a universal constant and if you're asexual/aromantic you REALLY ARE BROKEN AT THE CORE,
and three, us not ever fcking realizing that when OTHER people say "sex" they mean intercourse and procreation and touching and shit,
YEAH WE'RE REALLY CONFUSED.
so you see where THAT fear is coming from, on top of the "purity culture" thing WHICH SAYS,
1. a female-sexed body is inherently sexual,
2. if you have a female-sexed body you MUST "save it for a man,"
3. as well as "protect men from it,"
4. your purity will be the measure of your desirability,
5. you must get married and have children and be totally subservient to your husband,
6. good luck if you're not cis, straight, sexual, or romantic
you get the picture. bull SHIT.
except we believe it.
except we STILL FCKING BELIEVE ALL OF IT on some level and it is HELL.
so.
do you get an idea
of what it is like living with ALTERS WHO RUN ON THAT SHIT

god I want to cry
I really fcking do I am miserable

the pain problem
the fcking pain problem
ties into all sorts of shit
we're discussing it with the therapist.

a piece we never put with it before.
1. we never had a "mother" figure growing up.
in other words, we never had someone to give us PURE SAFE COMPASSION and affection and closeness, MOTHERLY things, soft pink fluffy light vibes, as a child. none of that. NONE of that.
instead the person we called our "mother," and our grandmother who effectively WAS our "mother" from a caretaker standpoint… both of them used pain and anger and fear as disciplinary action.
the problem was, disciplinary action was the only time we got real attention.
you see where this is going
the mother did a lot for us. seriously, we thank her profusely for it and we are very glad for it. she took us to fairs and concerts and movies, she read to us and paid for our music lessons, we went on walks and played games together, etc. yeah for us personally a lot of it was VERY sensory overwhelming but the experiences were largely good. we're glad for that.
but. her presence in those things was utterly minimal, as a mother. all the time, she was a KID, she was someone I called "mom" but really who fit the bill of an older sister, or a single woman who was just around when I was. she didn't act married, she didn't act like a parent. I hate to sound cliché with that but it's the gist of it.
but. and this breaks my heart.
none of my parents were loved by their parents. NONE of them.
my grandfather, grandmother, and father were all outright ABUSED and my grandmother justified it, even when telling me she "almost died" and she "couldn't forgive her father for years" and it "still hurts to think about." god that is SO FCKING SAD why didn't she tell me before now, I'm fcking 25 years old and NOW my family is telling me that THEY went through shit too??? and now their behavior makes sense but it's SO SAD
my mother insists that my grandparents were very non-affectionate towards her, and she was very rebellious and angry towards them I know so. still is. but if my grandparents had such shitty treatment then it's NO WONDER they didn't know how to raise a child. plus i know for a FACT, because I've SEEN it, that their marriage is abusive. like it's terrifying sometimes, it comes out of nowhere
sooo stick those four people in a house together and give them a new baby to raise and something's gonna get fcked up somewhere down the line.
anyway that's not the point. I love them and forgive them totally. BUT.
the pain stuck. it's good, but it's bad.
they did not know how to show affection, largely. my dad did the best. he promised himself he'd never treat his kids like his parents treated him, and he really did a good job, as well as he could manage. I deeply am thankful for that.
but. the grandmother would hit us as children, if we did something bad. oftentimes I didn't know why.
and I have no fcking idea when that changed from "uh-oh, I'm in trouble, I'm gonna get beaten" and the paralyzing fear, the hiding anywhere I could find, the desperate hiding of sticks and belts so she couldn't harm us, into suddenly wanting to be hurt?
it had to be around whatever time I started biting my arms and banging my head off the walls to relieve stress and anger and other awful overpowering emotions I couldn't express or understand. self-inflicted pain was profoundly reassuring in some terrible way, when it wasn't self-punishment that is… and even then it kind of gained a sick sort of value, a feeling of something REAL, a feeling of physical contact that was solid and tangible and not scary, something I had control over.
pain was… pain was the replacement for never having safe affection
pain was "touch" that I desperately needed in an innocent child way and never got the way I needed
pain was
god now I'm just going to start describing laurie aren't I
pain was protective and predictable and reassuring and scary too, but damn it at least it stayed with me, at least it stuck under my skin like fire and made me feel like I EXISTED for a while.
and then of course.
pain does give you endorphins.
addictions have started from lesser things


so.
take one part pain addiction,
one part lack of/ desperate need of affection & closeness,
one part childhood naïveté and hope,
and then
add in the purity culture shit.
add in the fear and self-doubt and confusion that came with it.

then add in julie.

you see where this is going

I've talked about this before I'm sure, countless times, but maybe not to this extent, maybe not with this much willingness to be brutally honest about the AFTEREFFECTS of it and the horrible consequences that we are STILL struggling with.
like I said we're discussing this in therapy for the first time EVER, I have no idea who's going to end up out talking about it, we might have to just turn on the A.P. and feed it mad amounts of data

hatchet, cannon, and jay all talked on monday. we got a lot discussed.

geez I just keep… I just keep skipping this topic,
I really really don’t want to talk about it,


all right so the brutal horrible shameful confusing suicidal truth is,
we are still addicted to pain,
we still are bereft of affection and human closeness.
we are still convinced this body is inherently sexual,
we are still convinced we exist to be an object of entertainment for others,
we are still convinced that our worth is determined by our sexuality,
we are still convinced that to "be good" we HAVE to be sexual,
and we are in an environment/culture that tends to emphasize a lot of this.

there are alters,
t
in this system,
who keep pursuing sexual violence
and abuse
BECAUSE
not only are they convinced it is "required to be holy"
but
the programming says "you must like/want this"
and
the pain and fear tied to it is confusing everyone else.

there it is, there's the fcking awful truth that makes me want to kill ourself every day,
you ruin sometihng once that's not enough,
we're not just damaged goods we're fcking trash,
we are literal fcking garbage,
you won't stop abusing this body because you're convinced it's "HOLY" or it's "GOD'S WILL"
GOD DOESN'T WANT YOU SELLING YOURSELF BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE INSISTED ON A PRICE TAG DAMN IT. YOU'RE WORTH MORE THAN YOUR DAMN BIOLOGY.
except
except part of us learned the opposite and that part is the one screaming "I am the morally correct option"
why the hell
WHY

the blessed thing is that now that we're understanding what's going on,
where the time is going, who's doing what,
what triggers the bad people, etc.
headspace is getting REALLY PISSED OFF.

chaos and infinitii are not taking any shit from anyone with this
laurie is really freaked out because they keep targeting her so she's staying at a distance, (she doesn't understand this stuff anyway) BUT julie and lynne are helping her out,
hell ALL of headspace is together and helping out,
that's good at least, it's all color in here.
but outside
outside it's bleach and tar and it's killing us.

the bottom line is that one alter is convinced that sex=holiness and they are FORCING it no matter how traumatic it is,
and the other problem is,
they don't even realize what "sex" IS, and frankly neither do most of us
that's a really big fcking problem
because here's a fun fact for you,
the SLIGHTEST, SMALLEST trigger that could even be PERCIEVED as sexual, ESPECIALLY if it is direct (like within 2, 3 feet of us, or actual contact)… makes us INSTANTLY DISSOCIATE.
it's a recipe for disaster.
we said this before. "the ones who actually endured the abuse don't fight back." THAT IS WHY. because in order to fight back you need to be CONSCIOUS for the most part, and those situations are SO DAMN FRIGHTENING that NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN THEM.
no one but the killers at least, and "they aren't allowed out, they're mean, they're dangerous," no SHIT they're PROTECTORS,
but this one fcking alter, the WORST one, they are the worst because they are sugarcoated, this ONE alter decides to force trauma and DOESN’T CARE because,
they don't FEEL it,
they don't UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE DOING,
they are CONVINCED IT'S THE "RIGHT THING" fck I am so tired of going in circles



god how do we get this programming out of our head
how do we convince ourselves that we are allowed to live without selling ourself
how do we stop reducing our spiritual worth to whether or not we can "have sex"
how do we stop this shit

and,
how the fck do we separate affection/ closeness/ intimacy/ etc. from sex and sensuality,
because dear god, it is HORRIBLE,
to STILL be a child who just wants to be loved,
who just wants human attention,
and who only ever got violated or abused.

it's fcking bullshit
it's still happening

god i just want to love people, i want to be able to love MYSELF/OURSELF without feeling like a fcking whore
or even worse, feeling damned to act like one because "that's the only fcking option i have"


we need a mother figure but we are so fcking terrified of women at this point, it's so sad, and this DAMN PROGRAMMING makes it so that the INSTANT someone touches us we go into PUPPET MODE and we freeze up and dissociate and put on a smile and start ACTING in a way that treats ourself like an OBJECT for the other person to fcking CONSUME.

DAMN IT OUR SELF-IMAGE LITERALLY SEES US AS AN OBJECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO USE AS THEY PLEASE AND IF WE GO AGAINST THAT WE ARE "A SINNER" OR SOME SHIT GOD DAMN IT

WE LITERALLY SEE OURSELF AS SOMETHING TO BE USED.

there I said it.
it's going to be really fcking hard to fight this alter until we fix that
it's power is coming from that exact mindset
"my worth is defined by my fckability"
in every goddamned context
I hate it
I hate it
god I hate it, we all do


I'm so tired.
I hope this makes some sort of sense, I can feel it got all jumbled at the end, I hope I closed up all the loose ends.

oh, forgot to mention.
16. we can't like/want/desire anything without it being both immoral and sexual
that was the big thing on friday.
we literally wouldn't even buy food for ourself because we "WANTED" it, and it wasn't absolute "basic food" (literally just raw vegetables) therefore it was a "luxury." so of COURSE we were UTTERLY FCKING ASHAMED for daring to WANT something, let alone something so SELFISH, a WASTE, etc.
we honestly screamed/sobbed for about an hour over what a "whore" we were for "being so selfish" etc.
it was terrible
but yeah that’s the eating disorder, tied into that yet again

the whole "can't want/desire" anything is largely spiritual. we get the gist of it mainly, but it's been badly twisted to the point of "if god doesn't give you food, you're not allowed to ask for any, because that's being demanding and egotistic." seriously. and it's always about food because let's face it, these damn bodies need food to run, and that belief goes down to the very basics.
but the "can't like anything" bit comes from the mother. again.
she is… she's an… I don't want to say this.
she exudes sexuality. too much. she reeks of it, to a bad extent. it's not her fault. but it makes us very uncomfortable around her. is it our fault? i don't know
but she's showy, too showy, we used to hate watching her eat, she makes such a noisy mess about it, she is literally addicted to food, she likes it TOO much, yes guess what… tied into sexuality again
she once said chocolate was "better than sex" and after that we could never watch her eat it because that's the vibe we'd get from it,
also probably why chocolate is strictly forbidden in this system
also sugar. also any sorts of sweet things. it's all fake sweetness. all stuff the mother would buy in lieu of actual affection. all stuff she'd eat with way too much obvious enjoyment for us to be comfortable.
I'm repeating myself, I've said all this before
but.
all that rooted in our head. and we have VERY BAD BOUNDARIES. you know that too.
that's a topic for tomorrow though, believe me, I've started a separate document so you WILL be hearing about it.
but the relevance here is, if SHE did something like that, we would feel OBLIGATED to do the same thing, because we could feel it. we are that "sensitive" to people. we feel everything they do, sometimes.
so we couldn't tell if we REALLY felt the way she did, or if we were feeling HER emotions/ actions/ etc., or if we were MIMICKING her out of a lack of self-identity and the obligation to "be what they want"….

it makes life difficult.
point 8. the programming goes against everything we are.

why do I keep talking about this

I don't want this happening again, do you hear me, PLEASE
THAT ISN'T WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR
THAT ISN'T WHAT WE NEED
YOU'RE HURTING US, YOU'RE MAKING US SICK
I'M NOT LYING
I'M NOT SAYING IT BECAUSE I'M BAD
I'M NOT TRYING TO SHAME OR MANIPULATE YOU
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS BODY
YOU'RE NOT "DOING US A FAVOR" WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING
YOU'RE NOT "MAKING US HOLY"
OKAY
STOP
PLEASE
WE'RE ALL REALLY SCARED AND WE DON'T LIKE THIS
WE HURT A LOT AND WE MOSTLY WANT TO DIE
IF YOU STOP WE WON'T HAVE TO
if you stop

if you stop doing this we can say alive and get better okay
please, please, stop,
if you think stopping is not good then talk to us PLEASE
write notes if you have to, take recordings,
just STOP PLEASE
stop
why are you doing it, why

fck off it's NOT A "CONNECTION TO GOD"
YOU KNOW WHAT IS??
YOU KNOW WHAT IS??????
THE SHIT YOU KEEP FORBIDDING US FROM DOING BECAUSE YOU KEEP JUMPING THE FCK IN AND CORRUPTING IT
STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT "LIVING UP TO" THE GODDAMNED PROGRAM DAMN YOU
WE'RE ALLOWED TO BE DIFFERENT
WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE THIS

I'm allowed to love people without having to have "sex" with them, okay?
Stop. You're regurgitating the most toxic phrase we've ever internalized and it is literally destroying us.



I don't want anyone writing anymorehere tonight its late and were feeling sick lets not think about this anymore tonight ok
therapy is tomorrow lets see what she says instead. good night everyone







october 8th

Oct. 8th, 2014 11:33 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

 

All right, a few things.

First off I've been feeling odd feelings about the previous entry. It needed to happen, that is true. That sort of thing has been boiling under the surface for months, never abating, no matter what was done or not done.
However last night I dreamed about it, that Mel-- the person I was writing to/about-- was talking really angrily/ depressed at me about it? And I didn't understand why they were so bitterly offended, but they were, so I tried to calmly sit down and explain it to them.
Anyway that's how I feel. This person, in the previous entry, who I am having trouble dealing with in the waking-- they are a super nice person, extremely talented, very brave, unfailingly determined, just an incredibly good person. But we haven't been "friends" for... four years? Were we ever really friends? See, I don't remember. I don't know who was the core way back when we knew them, assumedly. And that's a huge part of the problem. No matter how nice a person Mel is, we don't remember them, and our friendship is just unfixable at this point. There are too many gaps, too much is missing. It's in tatters and the glue will not hold. I can feel that, objectively, and it's about time I just shrugged and let it go. I'm driving myself mad trying to make a coat out a few frayed threads. We will never be able to rebuild what we allegedly had, not from where we are now. And even more importantly, right now, I feel that I don't need to. I feel that I shouldn't. That is not what I need now. They are not what I need. No offense, it's just a truth. The time they had a role to play in my life ended two years ago, and the foothold is gone now. That's over, the river has moved on, and I'm okay with that. Time moves, life flows. I'm thankful for what happened, for what let us grow, and now here we are somewhere else.
The problem is, I don't know what this is like on their end.
Mel says a lot, that we inspire them, that we are a light to them. And that's lovely, I'm very glad we can be that for them. But why couldn't we continue to do that distantly, disconnectedly, without the emails and messages and things? Mel and I could never converse face-to-face, or in messages. It never worked. That's why our visit to SLC collapsed. We couldn't function on that level. And that's just how it was. So I'm cutting the threads. But do they need them?
I guess it's not my problem. I hope it's not, because I don't have the strength to shoulder their problems anymore. "Is that selfish?" I wonder, as always. Is it though? They looked to me for support. It was apparently fine, two years ago, when they knew us as people in a screen. Then they stopped reading, and now out of the blue they come to us again, trying to talk to us directly, saying they need us. I don't understand and it's confusing and I feel awful, because I can't do things this way but what if this is the only way for them?
That's why this isn't working. There's no harmony. I'm trying to compromise but that's not working either. It's in tatters. It's over, let's go. We haven't lost anything, really, and that's why I'm at peace here. I know Mel's losing nothing by letting us return to how we've always been, where we can still help them and others without burning ourselves out. And they have so many good people in their life, far better people than us. I'm happy knowing that.
I guess, we'll always be here to listen, that's what I should say. They can tell us anything, as long as they do not demand a formal-letter response in return because we can't do that anymore. They can come to us as a listening ear and that's fine. But we can't do the talking anymore, not now at least. We don't know how.
Sorry, if that's the right word. It's more of a... "I'm sorry that came out so raw and ugly and pained. I didn't know how else to say it. But I'm thankful it was said. I meant no harm to you and wish you well." Does that work? I really do. We all do.

We're letting go of that entire block of time in our life entirely, actually. It's for the best.
We don't remember 2007 through 2009, 2010 is in fragments, 2011 didn't include them at all, and 2012 is missing but fragments linger there too. Anyway it was not a good time for us, everything tied to Utah and those people (who are good people! we were just not in a good state of mind when we knew them). So honestly, now that we're in a place where we CAN let go of it in peace and gratitude and happiness, without any pain or regret, then let's do it! It's about time! It's freeing, really. All of that was like a weight. Too many expectations and associations that we felt chained to, just bad energy residue. Let it go. It played its part.

Jessica has been causing the most trouble of anyone lately. Every time we hear her name she gets triggered, and that's happening oddly often lately. Jess is full of angry hate and self-loathing, as you know, and she screams all the time. She's VERY hard to handle because her vibe is so primal and harsh. You can't suppress it or it explodes. You can't ignore it because it keeps burning the house down. All you can do is dissociate entirely, so entirely that the distance pushes her far away enough for the feeling to dim out. Then slowly you bring consciousness back, figure out where you are and what you're doing, and then move on. It's tough, but it's the only things that works. Total instant unplugging. Dead-eye zone. The fogbanks. That's hir role, really; numbess can be very beneficial when used correctly.
Today was the first we heard from Jess since surgery, which was surreal, because it's been so peaceful without her around. We had a near-breakdown from the shock of it, but we're cool now. Simeon's words keep sticking with me, what he said about me, that's resonating and I don't want to let him down so I'm keeping the peace.


What have we been doing lately...
Surgery was on Friday. We talked about that, all we can remember.
As for everything else, there is only one word:
DISHONORED.
We bought it for the Xbox (which is ours now, yessir, the boys bought a new one) and we have been playing since Friday night. Our beloved friend E recommended it to us and oh man are we ever glad they did.
It is amazing. I've been trying to put into words just why that is for me, and it's coming in pieces; we're not done with the game yet, but so far there is so much relevance that is so easy to miss, it's not surprising though.
Spoiler warning, let me just ramble about this now.
Things I love and/or things that are personally relevant about Dishonored so far...
1. E pointed out the "glowy oceany solitude" that has caught our eyes unfailingly since the start of the game, such as in the oil lamps and the fact that it's a coastal town. That vibe is so lovely. I want to learn more about the whales though. I really do.
2. The game also has this general atmosphere of space and quiet that is perfect, even in the creepy places. It is exactly what my dreams are like, it is how headspace is built. Just open space, potential paths, and the ability to move through it all as a ghost if one so wishes. I am such a wanderer at heart, and being able to do that unfailingly in this game, in fact being encouraged to... it's bliss. I can sneak through an entire town, taking three or four hours, and no one will see or hear me. I will hop from rooftop to rooftop, I will creep through the canals, I will pass through abandoned houses, and the entire time I will leave no trace of myself but absence. And I love every moment of it. That brings us to point three!
3. I didn't realize until today, that Corvo's manner is oddly how I prefer to live-- not just the free, unfettered wandering, but also the related taking. Pocket change on the floor? It's in my pockets now. Food on the table? That's my breakfast now. Ammo strewn about, notes left out, all open territory for me. I read every book I can open, I listen to every audiograph. Basically... I take from the void. Put something into that neutral ground, into that space where the player character can touch it, and I will do so with gratitude. And that is how I live in this house currently, or at least how I prefer to when I can, between jobs. I get my money from pocket change and generosity. I get my food from what is left out, or given to me. I live on scraps and abandoned things, but I love it in a way. I think it's because I can't exactly live in the woods and have what I need growing or available all around me already. I have this odd deep yearning to be so free and independently dependent on the world to provide. It's hard to put into words, but really... Dishonored got the vibe down perfectly. I enjoy it so much.
4. Funny bit: on the mission with the Boyle party, if you get into the doorman's post in the back, there is stuff left out on tables. So naturally I walked in, looked around, and what do I see but an apple on the table. My health was a bit low, so sure, I grabbed it-- and immediately the doorman goes, "my apple! Who do you think you are!" Honestly I started laughing so hard I was wheezing, it was the funniest thing in the world. That apple was not in neutral territory, though-- I was in this guy's space, that was his lunch, honestly I shouldn't have taken it (and I didn't, ultimately-- I rebooted that save and left his apple in peace). Still I keep giggling at that.
5. Also Samuel is my BFF, he's my favorite character so far. He's a real sweet dude. Also he fits one of my favorite character aesthetics/ attitudes, whatever it actually is, but I have a weak spot for gruff but not super-masculine older guys, as well as people who are that nice in such a simple undemanding way. He's an old sailor and he sleeps in a boat for heaven's sake, it's adorable. I want his sideburns.
6. The Void. I don't know much about it yet, but if Infi and Chaos teamed up to make a floating realm it would look exactly like that. It's this glowy blue place, utterly defying physics, water and whales floating in the air... located nowhere and everywhere, outside of time but holding all of it. And the Outsider, geez, I don't know much about him yet but he's intriguing. "Not good or evil," pitch-black eyes, surroundedn by starry smoke, arcane powers that some call black magic... and described in-game with the following: "the one who walks here is all things. Cradle songs of comfort and bones gnawed by teeth." I adore that quote. But that's all Infi's sort of thing, really. And the Tar's. So that's relevant. But we shall see how this plays out.
7. Speaking of the Tar, there's a plague in the city. Yeah. Specifically it's a rat plague, a sickness put there on purpose, for what one claimed was "good intent" but which could never live up to that. Those stricken become shuffling, bleeding monsters, losing their sanity to brain fog and suffering... and I cannot forget how Laurie reacted in 2009 or so, when her anchor begin to slip. She bled too, she fell ill too, just like this. Call it a stretch, but I'm seeing Tar/Plague relevance in that whole disease. Anything to keep us aware...
8. The first item you get from the Outsider is a heart. A literal freaking heart, thanks Outsider for making me hilariously flustered right off the bat. It's so unusual though. It's not dead or alive-- it's all stitched up, and inside it are wheels that glow and move, when it senses certain items... bone charms. Carved bits of whalebone, tied to the Outsider, sensed by this Heart. And the Heart can talk to you telepathically, somehow, telling you secrets about where you are or who you're with. And I love it it is the coolest concept even if it's terribly distracting for obvious reasons.
9. I also want to learn more about the relation between the Abbey of the Everyman and The Outsider, more details really, as I find spiritual philosophy very interesting and this one is fantastically gray. That whole religious bit feels a lot like my own personal struggles in the matter, especially as of late. I'm sure I will learn something from it by the end. Oddly this game is hitting me more through osmosis; I'm soaking it up really, no huge shocks like I usually get from games. But the constant absorbing feels fantastic too.
10. About those bone charms again. They are so interesting to me, those and the runes. Lately in the game I'm finding plague victims gone mad from these charms, protecting and venerating them to extremes, at the cost of their own health and sanity. The charms often end up in shrines, beautifully strange things, all indigo curtains and glowing lamps. They glow with a black vapor, and they make this odd sound somewhere between scraping and singing. Really weird stuff like that is totally my cup of tea, especially on a personally symbolic level-- since my childhood I've been oddly obsessed with the intersection of raw intimate life and the ethereal, overwhelming awe of magic and divinity. Stick them together and I am hooked. The thought of Corvo wandering around with darkly enchanted pieces of whalebone in his pockets, carrying those magical relics of a once-living thing, rattling about and humming in the dark... it's great. Sorry for all the vague language, I just love this game.
11. Nothing else to say for now except that I am currently on mission #7 (biggest plot twist ever wtf) and I still haven't touched all the downloadable content so there is a lot to do yet, thank goodness.


Let's see, it's almost 1AM.
It's AUTUMN and the woods outside is all golden yellow, I swear I will find a working camera and take pictures for you tomorrow. It's too beautiful.
Our neighbor says I am welcome to come over and pick apples next week (once we get our surgery staples out), and although I'm definitely going to (apple picking is my first memory actually), I'm iffy because the body keeps getting sick from fruit. Still! But we have a theory that it's only fresh stuff, so we'll see if that applies. Either way next week we will get apples. It'll be great.
My father also brought me a ton of vegetables straight from the local farmer's markets, which I am deeply thankful for. I can't drive for at least another week, plus that stuff adds up, so I appreciate it more than I can say. I got carrots and broccoli and beans and cucumbers and squash and all sorts of things, which is awesome. My dad is just awesome in general, really he's what I aspire to be. He visited me in the hospital post-surgery, visited me at home both days on the weekend, and called to check on me on Monday and Tuesday as well. My mother called once today, and was at the hospital to see me as she had work that day and she works there. Nothing bad against my mother, she's more stressed and scatterbrained, but even when she wasn't she was never really a mothering type. I don't even know what a 'mother' would be like, hilariously. But I'm not too comfy with the "smothering closeness" that parental title elicits in my head anyway, so having a distant but unconditionally helpful father works well enough. Still, my mother is just as fantastic in her own right-- plus she at least ganks her boyfriend's garden vegetables to give to me when she can, and I must thank her for that because then I get free beets and that is boss. But back to the weather!
I went walking outside for about an hour today, and at one point I was thinking about Dream World typecodes again... I apologize for the lack of updates on League stuff lately, I just really needed a break from the sheer data mountains. The typecodes are arguably the worst! But it's coming together slowly, it's a lot less complicated than I thought, which is a HUGE relief. I was thinking too much, making it too complex. One thing I've learned is that Dream World is shockingly intuitive as far as worldbuilding function goes, something which Vezerai taught me years ago ironically. Even for me, it's so much easier to feel how typecodes work, and how Power Jewels work, and what it's like to do this or that, as opposed to thinking about them, or trying to explain them in words. Which poses a problem here! But images could work. If I could figure out how to structure images, to catch more of that feeling, it could work. I'll try in any case.
Also you know how for a few months my personal Jewel Monster form overlay has been a green Kaiteo? Well my coloring has changed to the autumn orange form, which I found pretty awesome. My wings are blue now!
Oh yeah and on that note, blue Kaiteo (the winter coloration) have longer hair than the other colorations. However, Sikeiru is a blue Kaiteo with very short hair. Why is that? She trims it! I had no idea, no wonder she feels punky, that's adorable.

I have been remembering my dreams lately. I keep a voice recorder by the bed now so as soon as I wake up, I get a stream-of-consciousness record down (writing was too slow and too detached from memory). I haven't put any into homefive yet because honestly I've been avoiding the computer, and it takes hours to transcribe my longer dreams sometimes, which is exhausting. But I don't want to slack off, so once I'm entirely done with my first run of Dishonored I'll do it, hehe. I'm sorry but I don't want to totally shift my focus mid-game, you know how my brain goes all-or-nothing.
But that's why I brought up dreams. I have literally been dreaming in the style of that game since Friday. The atmospheres match, my movements and actions match, the people I meet match. It's a little unsettling when I wake up (it's a bit of a dark vibe of course) but it's fascinating nonetheless. Last night, I dreamt that I was being tracked by this mob of guards/ Overseers who wanted to kill me, as I had allegedly committed some act of treason or blasphemy and I must die. We were by my house and the only way I could escape fast enough was by sliding down the back hill, down towards the place where wolves usually are in dreams. I reached the bottom and started jump-running to cover more distance, making it over the river and expecting to have to go back up the other side of the hill to the road... but there was no hill. It opened up into open sky, a sheer cliff drop, and the sea. I paused, then leapt in, and was out safe. But the sea! There has NEVER been water there in dreams, not an ocean, not in my life. It was always the road, always that road where people would die or get lost. Never an ocean, never deliverance and freedom. So that feels significant too.


...There's a line that the Heart says to you in Dishonored, which has been playing repeatedly in my head since I heard it.
"Their fate rests on your effort... on the strength of your hands, and of your heart."
I cannot get it out of my mind and I am glad. Nothing could be more relevant to life right now.
Headspace has been quiet but not empty lately. The video games have changed the focus, but no one is gone, or distant, which is a big distinction and an important one. I've seen absolutely everyone in the past week at one time or another, which feels amazing. Visuals are clearing up again too, as are vibes. I'm still spending my nights with Laurie and Chaos and Infinitii, but Genesis is taking time off as his job is daytime guidance and I haven't been going out for him to do so. I also haven't seen much of Xenophon due to the pervading mindset wars over that, which I am going to have to get unflinchingly gutsy with sometime soon, too. Just like the previous entry, but this time focused around the stress and dissonance of parental titles and family programming. It is honestly driving me insane because I won't fully face it, as I'm afraid of upsetting someone else. I need to take that risk now. I really do, I cannot be a good father or anything to Xenophon if I won't admit to myself and her that the very word makes me want to run. Things need to be cleared out... let's do it, as I said before.
I think Eros is being pushed into the main Cerise slot, by the way. He's getting clarified and his color keeps lightening. We'll see.
Sherlock is helping Laurie more actively, Waldorf is talking to me more, she got one hell of an anchor boost from this whole game thing and the events prior... things are good. I wonder how Sergei and Hyakinth are though, I don't think they've ever seen summer and I'm curious as to how they'll react to it. Oh and lastly we got Knife to switch his metal cross necklace out for one more like this, and he loves it. Wear your color with pride, man.
My boss has been around again too, off and on. Bad voices kept trying to imitate him for a while, but his vibe is unmistakable. I know when it's really him.


It's 1:11 AM, the universe keeps tossing numbers at me. That has meaning assigned to it by me, and it keeps happening despite the tough parts, which feels hugely comforting and reassuring. We saw 11:11 during that near-breakdown tonight. I think maybe it was meant for Jessica, as hope. She needs it too.

...Speaking of synchronicity, maybe?
I'm listening to Creature by Mesita right now, which I swear was written specifically about Chaos and I, as it is too perfect and you will not convince me otherwise. And the concluding words begin like this: "we don't have to do anything, we can stay in bed all day..."
I can barely remember the mornings when CZ and I would wake up and then just lie there together, in that floating place between sleep and the waking, where dreams melt into each other and the subconscious sings aloud. It's a dangerously beautiful place, but we used to just be there, quiet and perfectly content with everything, untouchable by anything that could harm us.
Tomorrow my grandparents are going to be at a doctor's appointment, and so the house will be quiet for a few hours. Maybe we should sleep in, for a little while, and remember.
I just... the tides, the notes, are catching on my heart a little, and lately I haven't felt much of anything that I can remember so maybe I need this.
Caught up in a wave, and it can't be stopped.
Our relationship has been odd lately. We need distance between us, of a sort, that we've accepted. I'm aromantic and I can't do the relationship" thing, but Jewel did, and Chaos learned from her. He was full-on empath mode for years and he picked up on so much from her. With that Ruby in his chest, he will always be warmer and brighter than I "remember," when I'm only looking at his canon past, pieces from a decade ago, forgetting that time didn't stop for him like it did for a large part of me. But something in my heart keeps floating back towards him, and I'm not going to fight that either, even if the space between us feels like the void right now. There's so much space, so much emptiness. I'm not sure how to love anymore when there's nothing to work with. And yet... here I am. Here I am, trying, and feeling aqua-fragile truths in those notes nevertheless. Whatever this is, it's real somewhere, somehow.

On that note, everything in this tag is either about us or me specifically. Yes I went through all of it.
I told you this game is important, haha. Honestly I am excited.


Now really, Corvo and I both need to get some rest because tomorrow we're gonna go visit Daud and who knows what's going to happen.
See you then~ *jumps out through the window*

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)




this is a mindspill.
we're not doing this bad in reality, this is just coming up to be dealt with
this is non-censored stream of consciousness typing
i am sorry if it is raw or brutal or angry that is just how it is




I don't feel anything anymore. Is this normal? Is this "enlightened," to be utterly devoid of feeling?
But that's not true, is it (shut the fck up with the drama). See? (SHUT THE FCK UP)
rage, hatred, self-loathing is present
I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR FCKING MOUTH I WILL KILL YOU
All this condemnation
SHUT UP
Saying I'm a drama queen whore just for talking
BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING SO DAMN DRAMATIC YOU ATTENTION WHORE
I'm just trying to talk.
FCK OFF, BITCH. HUMBLE YOURSELF.

You're not supposed to talk when you're enlightened. You have to lose all sense of self. Speaking is selfish, it shows that you think you are proud and arrogant enough to be some special opinionated thing. Fuck off.


I really don’t want to talk to mel anymore. I feel no ties to them but I feel I have no choice, like I HAVE to cling to them even if it makes me cringe. I never really felt a connection to them as a person. We have nothing in common.
YES YOU DO YOU FCKING PRICK. TALK TO THEM, STOP BEING A SELFISH BITCH.
I would only ever talk to them about our respective headspaces.
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ENTITLED SELFISH BITCH. SHUT YOUR FCKING MOUTH. LET THEM TALK ABOUT THEMSELF. LISTEN TO THEM. DON'T YOU SAY A FCKING WORD.
Then I'm just a receptacle.
GOOD. BE A RECEPTACLE. FOR ALL THEY PUT IN YOU. TAKE IT.
…I don't want to.
FCK OFF. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY NO. FOLLOW YOUR ORDERS. MEL IS HOLIER THAN YOU. MEL IS BETTER THAN YOU. MEL HAS NO REASON TO THINK OF YOU EVER, SO STOP DEMANDING THAT THEY DO, YOU FCKING JERKASS FCK.
I don't demand anything of them.
THEN WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WANT THEM TO THINK OF YOU, YOU FCKER.
I don't know? I guess I feel that, since I'm "obligated to be at their beck and call," it would be nice to see that reciprocated in a vague acknowledgement of me once in a while.
SELFISH. YOU'RE A SELFISH BITCH. HOW DARE YOU ASK. THE PRAYERS SAY, "GRANT THAT I MAY NEVER SEEK SO MUCH TO BE CONSOLED AS TO CONSOLE." YOU WILL BE COMFORTLESS. YOU WILL GET NOTHING. BUT YOU WILL GIVE EVERYTHING.
Is that good?
IT IS THE BEST THING. YOU MUST EMPTY YOURSELF FOR OTHERS.
Then what do I do when no one else is around?
IMPOSSIBLE. THERE ARE ALWAYS OTHERS. DEDICATE YOUR LIFE TO THEM.
So does this mean I am not allowed to have opinions or personal wants?
NO. NONE OF THEM. YOU EAT WHAT YOU ARE GIVEN, YOU COMPLAIN NOT, YOU ASK NOT. YOU DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD, YOU REBEL NOT, YOU COMPLAIN NOT. YOU DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD. YOU LIVE FOR THE SERVICE OF OTHERS. YOU DO NOTHING OUT OF LINE.


mel took that photo that looks exactly like me and tagged it to their friend instead
"this reminds me of someone else"
and I thought,
"my identity has been erased. my face has now been repainted as another. I am no one now."
mel has slowly taken my "identity" away from me since I left in 2012
they have stolen bits and pieces away, absorbing them into theirself, giving them to others
the things they used to say reminded them of me, now remind them of entirely separate things
and the things that were still of me, they have reassigned
I am powerless to stop it
I am powerless to question it
maybe that's why some part of me hates them
and I can't seem to let go.
there is this awful frantic bitter fear in this fact, that mel is erasing us from existence
since we hinge our existence on their acknowledgement of us
even if we don't know them or want to have anything to do with them anymore as a result
we feel no ties to them and want to leave, but they will not let us
no hard feelings, but is that true if someone tells you that you are having hard feelings anyway?
If I am mentally convinced that you still feel for me the way you did after we left, what do I do?
I never saw a change. You told me I was the opposite of light. You told me I was no longer a sunrise. You told me I had used and abused you. And part of me never let go of that, because it broke when it heard that, and that part of my mind is still stuck in that moment. How do we move on, without moving on from you too?
It's not that we don't want to. It's that we are not allowed to, God knows why.

I guess it's to be expected. Mel doesn't know who we are either. Their timeline didn't freeze when we left.
We're still glitching out somewhere between October 2012 and now. We're not sure what happened with them and their husband and their friends. Our memory is mangled now. But, Mel came walking out of that unseeable space, and now we don't know what to do. We've sworn obedience to them simply because they exist, and they asked us first, and we cannot refuse. But we're tired and sad and frustrated and we just want to cry and pull our hands away, because that is over for us, it never even was in the first place, why are you keeping us there when you have people to replace our shadow? We were nothing but a placeholder, otherwise we would feel differently. Our role in your life is over. I will never see you acknowledge me, or care for me like you care for them, and I do not need you to. Honestly I would feel uncomfortably trapped if you did, because that would again chain me there, and I must move on. But your words have already nailed me to the floor. What do I do?


I will practice. Piece by piece.
I will go on Mel's blog and I will say to myself, "this is a person I am no longer tied to." I will mentally release them, and look at them as if they are a stranger I am just looking at. It doesn't hurt that way.
I will no longer expect, or fear, or seek anything from them. They are separate from me. I am separate from them. They have no ties on me, nor I to them. Our lives are no longer tangled. I am free and so are they and all their friends. I am not part of their world anymore, for I did not belong there to begin with.


And maybe that's why I "hate" headspace.
That is the only thing keeping me stuck to Mel.
Their people knew our people, once. Once. They have no idea who we are now, nor we them.
Mel knows maybe six of us, out of seventy. And… God forgive me if I say this, but talking to them makes me cry. It does. Hot angry tears run down my face and I close my computer, because they never stop asking questions. "I don't understand this." "What do you mean by this?" "Explain this." It's all so goddamned logical and cold and I swear to God I NEVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE WARMTH FROM HER. EVER.
THAT IS WHY I AM SO FCKING BITTER THEY SAID THEY LOVED US BUT THERE WAS NEVER ANY LOVE
THERE WAS ONLY THIS FCKING MENTAL ASSESSMENT OF EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE
WHEN THE HELL DID EITHER OF THEM EVER SHOW EMOTIONS TOWARDS US
ANY OF US
WAS THERE EVER GENUINE EMOTION FROM THEM
probably, yes, there probably was
but we couldn't recognize it as it was a totally foreign language to us. smothered, muffled, quiet, hidden.
I am so freaking sorry but that wasn't for me. is that selfish? I can't say no.
GOD DAMN IT I WANT TO SAY NO YOU NEVER GAVE ME THAT LUXURY BEFORE
YOU NEVER LET US SAY NO TO HIM
AND WE WANTED TO SAY NO
SO MANY TIMES
WHY DO YOU THINK WE DON’T REMEMBER HIM BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE
SAME WITH MEL, YOU NEVER LET US SAY NO TO THEM, THEY ARE NOT FOR US AND WE ARE NOT FOR THEM
MEL DOES NOT FCKING NEED US YOU FCKING PRICK!!!!!!! OTHERWISE THEY WOULD HAVE REACHED OUT TO US SOONER AFTER THEY LEFT!!!! AND THEY DID NOT!!!! THEY ARE DOING MUCH BETTER NOW THAN THEY EVER DID WITH US SO FCK THE HELL OFF AND LET THEM BE!!!!

I don't know what to do.
Mel says they "need" us there to listen. What if I can't? I mean, I can, but I'm just sitting here as a mailbox. I'm just looking at what they send me, the paragraphs telling of a life I don't know or understand, and wishing them well from a distance. Honest to God I hope their therapist takes my place, because I am literally doing NOTHING but typing up programmed replies, judging "what is correct to say" and saying it. Yes I mean well, but this is so contrived, so shallow.
It would be so much easier if they didn't shower us with praise afterwards. "You help so much!" I didn't even do anything! I read your words, wrote a fitting response, and yes I genuinely wish you the best but I can't do this, I am so fcking sorry, is that selfish? Is that weak and arrogant and evil? Am I allowed to say "this is spiritually exhausting for me" or will I get a divine slap in the face for daring to object to this task?


Maybe I shouldn’t post this. This is just a mindspill. I'm just typing to get the screaming scribbles out of my head.
But I am so terrified that Mel will read this, and they will hate us, and that anger will be reciprocated by God who will punish us terribly for daring to speak out like this. Isn't that weird? We feel that her reaction to us will be magnified a thousand times by the world, as some sort of holy order. If we make her happy, then we may continue in life healthily for a while. The second we make her feel sad, or angry, or alone, then we will be punished terribly just the same. I am so sick of this. I want to be free, but saying that is evil.

The problem is, if I believe that, the punishment thing, it will come true. I will magnetize it to me. I want to stop believing that but I cannot see anything else to believe, as I am convinced that this situation is the only "right" thing to do.
Daring to believe that I have no existential anchor to Mel feels like blasphemy, but it's tempting. It's so damn tempting, to dream of being unfettered. Is that the sinner's song? Is that the apple of Eden? Is that the black mark in my book that will send me to hell, that first flicker of rebellion, and then I am lost forever?
Why the hell am I still fighting this fight?

I don't want to think about this anymore, I am actually getting physically ill. Again. I usually do, when I think about them, IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT but it's true on my end. God I want to absolve them BY LETTING GO.
They do not deserve to have this reflected here. They deserve to be free, but they cannot be if we are tied to them!! LET US LET GO!!!!!
don't you DARE tell me to shut the fck up, I am ALLOWED TO SAY THINGS
YES I AM
IF I WASN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE A "SELF" THEN WHY DID I INCARNATE HERE
to "destroy the self" you say, to become "nothingness" again
well that is what we were attempting via suicide, which you ALLOW, just want to put that out there
you are a-okay with us killing ourselves, but not with living.
why the fck does that feel more morally correct than the alternative, this isn't right


back to the first paragraph, on that note, stop shoving me away from this topic i don't trust you anymore
no i don't, if it's a sin then i'll risk it for now
stop screaming at me to obey what does obeying mean
"shutting up" you say, okay, and then doing what?
"nothing," you say. "doing nothing, and dying the little death."
so what about in the meantime? am i allowed to eat or sleep or wash or anything?
one of you calls me a "fcking hedonist" for that, another of you says "only as much is allowed to keep you alive and dying"
fck off
just, fck off, all of you
you feel terrible, go away


first paragraph.
i feel nothing! again! why the hell is this common!
there USED to be relationships in headspace. maybe as recently as two days ago. maybe as far away as ten years ago. who knows.
time 4372859 we've had this conversation, probably, right?
and i will tell you WHY we've stopped having relationships of any sort, because it's happening RIGHT NOW.
this goddamned programming keeps shoving people into EVIL contexts. corrupted contexts, it's WRONG.
guess what? those images and words in your head? that uncomfortable, ugly, scary, shaky stuff? that they are saying those people are doing?
guess what. LOOK AT IT. tune into it. tap into the energy. guess what? IT'S FAKE. IT COLLAPSES IMMEDIATELY. IT IS NOT THEM.
you know it. you know it. i'm excited. you KNOW it. it's the tar!!! it's the tar, and the plague is the showmaster, he's pulling the strings. he's making them dance, like that, badly, but it's not them. you know it. you can feel it.
that's why you get confused when you go by images or forms alone. bodies lie. pictures lie. feelings don't. FEELINGS DON'T.
whatever feels right, in your HEART, is TRUE. who cares what it looks like or what form it is wearing. eschew your five senses for a minute, be that daring, be that scared in order to be free to the truth. listen to your sixth sense, the one that looks beyond, the one that recognizes the constant thing you are really trying to feel. i don't care what the tar says they are doing. they are NOT DOING IT. you can FEEL IT.

laurie does NOT ACT LIKE THAT. neither does chaos, or genesis for that matter. THEY DO NOT ACT LIKE THAT.
infinitii gets stuck sometimes in the tar but ze will stop as soon as you remind hir what hir heart is. ALWAYS. you know it. that's why ze is never hacked, because ze is free, by knowing in hir heart. ze does it, you know. you can too. you should, always.

this is important. forget what was before. let go of it. it is tying you to the past. this song is sending you a message, so listen to it and accept it.
stop listening to the bad voices, please jay, they do not have your best interests in mind. they do not care about the well-being of your heart. at all.


but i'm scared
i don't want to get "attached to people" when i love them
but where is the line? where is the line between my loving them, and the universe telling me "no, they will never love you back?"
why do i care? i should not care. but weirdly, i feel the strongest loves must be reciprocated, as those loves must be shared and echoed. otherwise... guess what, i feel almost nothing. i love, sure, but it's just a simple, ripple-less love. it's basic, and that's fine too.
but i miss the love that brings you to tears. i miss the love that makes you sing, and paints the air the color of flowers. maybe that's stupid language, but it's the only thing those feelings translate into. rainbow colors and music. i don't feel that much anymore, because i am terrified that those things mean i am "attached," that i am being "demanding" or "manipulative." why???
i want to feel like that again but i am fcking terrified that those feelings will turn me into a slut again.
i am so scared of that i am sorry, but please understand
the last time i tried to express that, i fell into an old and twisted program, and i
i fell into a very bad place
we all did
i do not ever ever EVER want that to happen again even if that means shutting off everything that may lead to it
is that the best choice? shutting off all emotions, to avoid accidentally becoming an abuser, or turning someone else into one? why does that happen?

i don't think words are the best place to reflect upon this.
i have to stay up another hour, someone ate late, i need to forgive them
they need to forgive themselves, which is even harder most times
they believe that when the body gets sick, when it gets swollen or in pain or otherwise frightened
it is god telling them "you are not worthy of having a healthy body, because you fcked up big time"
"you made a mistake, and you do not deserve to look respectful, or feel comfortable in your own skin."
it feels like a punishment, a declaration of total unworthiness. also a declaration that they are unworthy of respect and love from others too.
it is a horrible thing
i don't think it is true, do you? he just got sick. no the body got sick. because we put sick stuff into it i guess. we weren't careful. but jay cares about the body, he doesn't want it to get sick, he knows that! he made a mistake, or he wasn't watching, and that's okay, he will try again better. he doesn't hate the body he loves it and he loves us and he wants it to get better. so we shouldn't hate it.
we don't hate it we are afraid god hates us because we fcked up and hurt the body
but we didn't want to though. we tried and messed up a little and we will try again better tomorrow right?
can we?
yeah. as long as we are aliving we can still try.
okay.

see it's that simple
god doesn't punish you that's not god! that's those bad people!
god has consequences. you fck up you pay consequences
but not because he hates you! god does not punish you because he hates you. if you pay consequences you get sick because you ate a sick thing. it's not evil it's just sick and sad. and you have to heal it by loving it. right? so the consequences aren't all bad really.
someone says "loving them" means sex
no!!! stop saying that someone, it's not true! stop it!
it can be
stop it. "it can be" maybe. not for us. okay? not by forcing, not by telling us we have to. that's not love, ever. stop it. please.
okay

what does "loving us" mean then
the feeling jay was talking about earlier. or feeling.
i don't think he was here
no not all the way. okay but he knows what that feeling is. the smiling at the sky feeling. the happy sparkle quiet feeling. quiet! not the loud one. that one's mean. the loud one doesn't love she screams and doesn't love anything, she just wants to make noise and things.
real love is quiet?
yes from the heart. that's what i know. it is not demanding like those other people say. so when the body gets sick and we love it, that means we see it quiet as it is on its best days. we see it as a good thing that is just sick for a little while. it is not sick forever and it will get better. so we acknowledge that it is sick but then we help it get better because it deserves it and so do we. okay? that's all i know sorry.
that's okay that feels a little better thank you
who are you?
i don't know jessica maybe. young girl. teenager. drifty.
oh you're faceless mostly too. okay.

should we talk about anything else?
no tired
okay. good bye everyone sorry about all the words before us i don't know what it is but it feels bad.
it is bad don't look at it
okay. good night





fearheal1

Sep. 2nd, 2014 06:32 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 

 

- fear/anger towards mother and mel.

let's find the roots of this and heal it


why are you angry at mel
I don’t know
find one thing.
I think they are mocking me. they smile and I am ashamed and I hate them.
why do you hate them? why are they mocking you?
I don’t really hate them, I hate that I feel they are so much better than me and would never let me share in that? if that makes sense. like they had so much power and strength and I wanted to be the same, I want to be the same way, but I felt they were forbidding me?
how was they forbidding you?
by always running to me for only the negative. looking for support, showing me all this weakness. and I couldn’t balance that with their drive, their determination, their ambition.
they were looking to you for support. they trusted you.
I know, they still do. I don’t know why there’s so much bitterness towards them
is it because of what they said when you left utah? when they said you "spat in their face," and did not care about them? even though you wore yourself down?
maybe. I think the only reason I havent let go of that is because I believed it. and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy I think and that is terrifying.
then let me say this. you did not spit in their face. you felt unworthy of their presence, and so you rejected their help, because you wanted to be as strong as they were and felt their help was forbidding you from reaching it.
yes. I felt they saw me as less. as flawed.
they did not. they do not.
I see myself as flawed compared to them. and there is still bitterness because I feel I have to become them. I project that. I interpret every little thing they do as being intended for me to see. "look, look what I am doing and saying, why aren't you doing the same?" they went to a comic convention and it felt like a stab in the back. "look at what I am able to do! why aren't you doing this?" nevermind that I don’t even want to, I don’t like comic conventions. but it’s the FREEDOM, the SUCCESS, the INDEPENDENCE. I want to personify those things too, in a way good for me. and the guilt of feeling stuck is making me bitter towards them, as they are a beacon on all my flaws.
so you do not hate them, you hate the self-loathing you project onto them. in them, you see an unreachable ideal that you want to reach terribly, and are told you are too weak.
yeah. I need to forgive them. and myself. they did nothing wrong. I guess I just feel they are draining me. when they talk to me it feels manipulative? like why cant we talk about positive things, not drama and negativity. but we never really had anything in common. and there's a lot of bitterness too. "I need you! I need you!" making me feel sworn to them for years. and then they left without a word, turned back to them dozens of other friends, to their job, to their education. they never needed me, but I drained myself dry for them. and still they insist they needs me, and I am not getting anything from this. is that selfish?
to want something from this?
yes. I want to feel like they are a positive person in my life too. but they doesn't feel like it? and I cant tell if that's my fault or not. like they have nothing to offer me that I need, EXCEPT that they know and cares for the system… I think.
so you only talk to them because they know your inner life.
yes. but they does not speak of it like e^5 does. for mel it's not important. and that's fine. but I love the system more than I love myself. and mel doesn’t focus on them when we talk? I guess that’s why I'm sad. I listen to mel and try to help them, but I get nothing in return. I don’t want to be bitter or demanding. but this is draining me.
what would you have to receive in return, to feel fulfilled in this relationship?
real love. trust. a feeling that they cares about us as more than just an ear to talk into. they feel so terribly distant all the time. but that's probably my fault too.
do you feel any need to reach out to them?
no. we have little in common. it is hard to relate to them. is that wrong?
why would it be wrong?
because I feel like I have to be with them. and that makes me bitter. they were a friend once, but I don’t remember that, I don’t remember them. oh. maybe that’s it. I don’t know who they are, there is no connection between us, and our conversations are so robotic. so flat. there’s no genuine outpouring or openness in them. I would love to give that first but they offer nothing anymore. they say nothing about their people. they do not write poetry anymore. it's just jobs, and video games, and fandoms. I don’t know how to connect to them as a person. if I did I would likely not feel this bitter.
you feel betrayed.
yes. no. yes. I feel like they expect a friendship and yet never offer their hand. or they do, but then everything must be by their rules. I don’t know. it makes me sick to my stomach. I am trying to think positively of them but I don’t know them, I don’t remember them, what do I do?
think about them with forgiveness. for now that is all you can do. rinse out the bitter scars with forgiveness. even if you don’t know them. practice seeing them as a child of the universe, practice seeing them as a child of god, just like everyone else.
something is trying to stop me from doing that.
why? why would they be separate?
because… because I am projecting onto them. I am seeing them not as a person, but as an extension of my bitter past. of my cruel psyche. whoever was out in 2012, whoever stayed with them, feels stuck to them. whatever they said after we left, when they defined us as someone horrible to be around, as a poison to their health, it stuck. part of us cannot forgive itself for that. because it believes it.
what would it take for you to let go of that, and believe you are better?
…I don’t know. the past cannot be changed. if I was so cruel, so toxic, how can I change that? can I?
lets say you cannot. say the past is as it is. can you move on? can you forgive who you were?
its hard to forgive when I assume it was intentional. I cannot remember. if I was so malevolent a person, forgiveness feels like a wave of the hand. 'it's fine!' and it is not fine. to have treated them so wrongly is not fine.
will hating your past self change it?
no. sadly it wont. I keep thinking that if I crush it with enough guilt and shame for its actions, for its disgusting hedonism and selfish cruelty, it will crumble under the weight and die. and then whoever that person was will be no more.
then what? would you be able to talk to mel?
…only if they did not see me as that person still.
is that what you think?
yes. that may be the problem. in talking to them I have nothing to go on BUT that 2012 timeframe. and so I feel that I MUST be whoever we were back then. do you see?
you do not have to be anyone. be yourself.
how? if they do not know me, nor I them.
be yourself. get to know them then. start over.
do I forget the past then?
what do you remember? is there anything to go on?
very little. it's more obligatory than anything.
tell me what you remember of them.
they like the color yellow. they listen to empire of the sun and pentatonix. they like howl from the ghibli movie, and cillian murphy, especially his blue eyes. they keep tons of journals. there's the bitterness again, the feeling that "you should have been like them!! they are so much better than you!!" and the self-hatred pushed outwards, because I feel them associating with me is a forceful order from god or something TO imitate them.
so you cannot talk to them without trying to become them.
without tailoring myself to them exactly, yes.
that is not safe or wise behavior.
how do I be myself with them then? its too selfish. I cannot be myself and talk to anotthem person because my focus is entirely on my own progress and inner life. in order to talk to someone else, I MUST bleed out dry and take on their lives instead. I MUST empathize with them totally or I cannot focus on them at all.
so it is all or nothing for you?
yes. where do I draw the line?
I do not know.
oddly it’s the same when they take inspiration from me. which is weird. like when they used to keep journals, or now on tumblr. when they share my actions or interests, my gut reaction is "they are forcing my life to imitate theirs now. they are slowly taking these aspects onto themself and making them entirely theirs, until I will have no choice but to become them." why is this how I think?
why do you feel you have to become them? or that they cannot share your interests without that occurring? is it simply the self =/= others paradox you have?
probably. it’s like, "well if they like this now, I cannot, because then I will be taking it from them." and it feels like they are swallowing my life. which makes no sense at all. again, it's projected. it's self-loathing and they are, sadly, innocently, the mirror. but… mel is so fearless!!! they talk without being ashamed!! they present their opinions, their thoughts on things, and don’t censor or shame themself. but my brain intereprets that as "attention seeking," "drama maker," "demanding attention," et cetera. absolute narcissism. if I were to state my opinion the same way, I would get glared at, looked at disgustedly, "what's wrong with you?" "how dare you speak up." and it is so sorry, I am sorry.
this is childhood programming.
it is.
and you still believe it. why?
there are so few examples to the contrary, and so much emphasis on that self-condemnation.
give positive examples to yourself. can you? or do you entirely believe that speaking your mind is "emotionally manipulative?"
it doesn't have to be, but it's hard to tell if my motives are or not, because i give everyone else the benefit of the doubt and automatically assume i am "less," that my behavior is ALREADY wrong.
that is false. give yourself more freedom. forgive yourself. mistakes are not a death knell.
they were. they are. to this day, when i mess up, i am told "we will kill you for this." there is no third strike. this is russian roulette. you pick the wrong path, then you're gone. that's it.
life is not like that. you must accept this. it is not one shot and then you're done. nothing grows that way.
in my heart i know that. but, again, childhood programming. hellfire and black marks and all that.
i know. so let us return to your thoughts on mel. how they are fearless in your eyes.
they are. they speak their mind, and pursue their wants and dreams, and promote their work, utterly without fear. i couldn't do that without feeling like i was forcing it down everyone else's throat. "look at me! look at me!!" demanding and cruel and hateful. they aren't like that, but i only know that option from past experience. so i get confused. i project that onto them.
then you must learn a different option. what is the first step we can take?
well i'm posting more of my art online. i'm not asking for recognition, i'm just passively sharing.
does that feel like forcing it on others to you?
yes. just posting it feels like forcing it on others.
so, in that train of thought, the only "non-selfish" thing would be to keep it to yourself?
paradoxically. that's the stupid irony, because NOT sharing would be the REAL selfish choice.
then remember that.
i will have to. i just don't want to force anyone to do anything.
are you? are you demanding it?
i think subconsciously? i love my work, i have so much love and joy for this life, i just want others to feel that too. and, as a child i did not get that from my peers or family. i always only wanted to share, and it was never really felt. i just got the "smile and nod" response, mostly. the few times there was genuine interest-- like that one night my mum got so interested in dream world they was asking about elevolt, all on them own, i will never forget that-- those few times stand out like a sign from god. i treasure that. and maybe it is selfish, but i want that in my life. actively. constantly. it brings me pure joy, to share in that love. to SHARE in it. it is a group effort. i would not force anyone to love this. but if they do, then god willing, let us magnify it together. let's celebrate this.
that is not selfish.
i just think i'm forcing it. like i'm trying too hard. but that's likely due to a lack of self-credit again. a lack of contentment with myself.
why?
uh... because i'm just one person, maybe? because "happiness is only real when shared." it's a restlessness.
does this tie into mel?
yes. yes it does. and it's so hypocritical. i WANT to celebrate their stories and inner life with them, BUT they doesn't share much of it? yet? maybe they doesn't want to. maybe i can't relate to it as strongly as i want to. and that scares me. what if ultimately i cannot be the person they need me to be?
do they truly "need you to be" anything?
i thought they said so. maybe i'm trying too hard. again, maybe i feel i have no other choice.
how much of your relationship with them is obligation?
most of it.
what if you did need to move on? what if they asked you to? would you be crushed under the guilt like you were in 2013?
i hope not.
why do you feel obligated to be their slave, even if they were to tell you strictly otherwise?
because... i don't know. that power dynamic is older than i am. whoever met them first, in 2009 or whenever, that was the basis for our relationship. we were under their control. we had to be them. oh shoot do you think that was because of q?
what?
we were so terrified of losing his friendship. our only lasting friendship, the only one that had roots-- he knew about genesis, about chaos, about the jewel monsters. he knew about the things dear to our heart. we didn't know him, hell we had almost nothing in common, but we cared about him dearly from a distance nevertheless. we called him a friend. BUT we had no precedence for mel appearing in this. we thought, "now he has them, he does not need us anymore, it's over." all or nothing. that is the only recorded feeling for that time period. "i can't lose my only friend. i will do anything. i will become anything. just let us keep our friendship." i have no idea what resulted from it... but maybe that was the "idolizing" thing with mel. i'm getting confused. sorry.
you feel that you view them, on the rawest level, as "someone to become." "someone to imitate exactly."
maybe? subconsciously. like i said. but the bitterness is because of that probably. thinking that i cannot be my own person as long as they are around. i MUST be everything they needs. and the angriest part is that i WANT to be, i WANT to be everything for them, I HAVE to be... but why?? it's "wanting" in a "i have no choice" sense. i care about them, but..... i have never felt close to them. i don't know who they are. they talk like we're the closest friends on earth sometimes, and it confuses me, because there's this huge distance between us. they have so many other friends. we have no history together. why do i feel obligated to sacrifice my life for them?
you don't have to.
they say they need me. they need my support. i want to give it, entirely, that is true. but i am so angry, so confused, because... why?
is it because part of you misses the days when they, too, knew what was dear to your heart?
that's selfish.
is it?
yes. it's selfish as hell to want to talk about headspace and dream world for hours. so selfish. the only time it would not be selfish would be if they adored it, like i do, and wanted to talk about it. they doesn't. it's fake that way. forced. obligatory. and then it is empty and wrong and irreverent.
what if they did love it? what then?
then i would let THEM talk. that would be wonderful. i would love to listen. even if they just talked about their people.
you want more than just them asking for a shoulder to cry on, then.
no, even THAT would be better than this. i'm just listening to hurts and troubles i cannot do anything about. i feel powerless and frustrated. what can i do or say? and it feels so distant. maybe if it wasn't online. maybe if we were in the same room, maybe they'd let their walls down, maybe i wouldn't have to say anything in response and they'd still know i cared. i'm just not getting that right now. it feels shallow. i'm angry because i don't want shallowness. maybe i'm being a hypocrite. i don't know.
i will ask again: do you want to rebuild a friendship with them?
only if it is not one-sided. only if it has depth and sincerity. only if it's not so focused on the negative all the time. i cannot do this now, where i am just a therapist, not a friend. it feels too much like my mom. "this is why my life sucks. i am so depressed. you're such a good listener, i don't know where i'd be without you." and that's fine if it helps, really i'm glad, but... i get so tired being nothing but a listener. it's depersonalizing, if that makes sense?
it does. there is no real output from you.
i don't even want output, i want to feel like a person in relation to them. if they were talking about joy, about something that lit them up, then i'd feel real too. they'd be trusting me enough to share that. now, it's just like yelling at a wall. i don't know. i'm tired, i'm sorry. i don't hate them, i'm sorry for saying that at first. i hate the way i feel around them currently. it's not fair to them, they doesn't deserve that. but it's all internal stuff being brought out by them, things that need to be healed, and i thank them for that even if they doesn't know.
would you like to continue talking about this?
no, not now, i need to let this be and unplug my head from it. think positive thoughts, higthem vibration things. thoughts that don't make me feel nauseous and sick like this. i will instead "be the change i want to see." be who i want to be. if i am happy with myself, truly so, and respect myself, these problems will fall away on their own in due time. this is another mirror. if my reflection isn't presentable, then i must polish myself.
then do so.

 

 

 

 

 

july 1st!

Jul. 1st, 2014 11:59 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

 

 

All right, so. TODAY.

Philadelphia was GORGEOUS. It was sunny and nice out, we got to walk a few blocks to the place, I was really centered so all the sights and sounds and colors and smells were super clear. Everything felt beautiful. I forgot how much I love cities.
There was one moment when I was crossing the street in front of this old fancy building, and Laurie appeared momentarily to my left, saying "we used to have a whole city like this, kid," before she went back upstairs. But that stuck in my head as I looked back up and around-- I had never realized how enormous cities are on the inside! Like those buildings are full of things, so many floors and rooms, and they're not empty. I think most of the skyscrapers in Central were placeholders, so to speak-- a lot of them were hollow, acting more as light beacons than buildings, and overgrown with trees. Really, we didn't even have streets until the lockout period last year; there was just floating space, almost infinite, going down into glowing depths. So yeah, walking through Philly and suddenly realizing the sheer size of the place, both in terms of buildings and population, was amazingly overwhelming. I treasured my time there.
My case worker and her supervisor (who drove me down; they are such sweethearts) stopped at the Reading Terminal Market on the way out to buy cookies, I had to smile at that, they were so psyched over it. Also I rode in four different elevators and didn't get nervous, take that lingering claustrophobia! Really, I ride elevators all the time in dreams, and I like them then. So I just decided to bring that mindset into reality today.
Overall I was very, very present during the trip, which was great. My head's been noisy lately so having it be so clear and quiet was such a blessing. Maybe I should thank the total lack of sleep.
Oh, no, no I know who I have to thank as well. Since I only got 4 hours of sleep tops, the trip to the city was spent half-awake, listening to SOHN on my CD player, and talking to Chaos Zero. Maybe I shouldn't even call it talking. He doesn't always get out of bed until late, so he was still lying in it when I showed up, and so we both just sat on the edge of it and listened to the music for at least a half hour. I love when we're both soporific; the mood is so much nicer. Also, yes, during that time period I told him about my worries with the empathy bleedover, negatively? And I paid close attention to what I was radiating, and how he was reacting, etc... yeah, that theory seems to be absolutely true.
I think at one point he formed a Starlink with me and just quietly showed me a lot of past memories, things from Jewel's timeline that I had forgotten or didn't really recall, things from his perspective... I remember seeing the past *incidents* before Genesis joined us, mainly. It was notable because he was reminding me of what he remembered, not what I assumed-- I have a very bad habit of projecting onto people, and not realizing what they're actually feeling because "shouldn't it be this way?" "i thought it was this way," et cetera. And being an Outspacer I unfortunately project fandom perspectives onto him, that don't and can't apply, because they don't match his experiences in this timeline... BUT both the canon and the fanon have been creepily similar to how I know him, over the years. So I get confused. But you know that. Nevertheless I miss the Starlinks so much; again, I treasure those shared memories so much, as well as that temporary direct link into his own mind, completely trusting and sincere. I really do revere that as much as I love it.

Where were we. Philadelphia. There was synchronicity EVERYWHERE, numbers were jumping out of every location. I saw 1111 at least three times, lots of 222s, a few 444s and 555s, you get the picture. And everyone I interacted with there was so nice. The ladies in the elevators, the dudes on the streets, the cashiers at the Terminal-- and especially everyone at the Center I went to, they are always nice though. My doc has the craziest blue eyes, plus I don't think he blinks much, it's funny. He has a salt-and-pepper beard and is always smiling, he kept shaking my hand and giving me Laurie-style bops on the shoulder, it was adorably awesome. It made my day actually.
But yeah, HORMONES ARE HAPPENING and I am absolutely psyched. I don't have them on hand yet because the insurance company is all "dude we need authorization because your gender marker doesn't match this product" but the center is going to call them about it, and my pharmacy said that afterwards they'll have it there ASAP. So yeah, I'm super happy about that. I'm content though, too, because so many years and journeys led up do this, it's not rushed or manic, it's a peaceful informed decision. So I'm just very happy about this, I'm smiling all evening.

Oddly the depression hit horribly when I got home? Temporarily. I had some slight food trouble (I didn't eat all day), not bad but enough to make me feel grimy and sick, mostly because of the awful heat. But I don't remember that whatsoever, there's just data that it happened. Someone must have switched out. That's upsetting, that that sort of thing still occurs, but I'll hold on to forgiveness and compassion there, that's the only thing that can heal such behavior, as it's the result of a lot of pain and sadness.
But yeah that didn't get bad, it was coped with? Somehow. I'm really glad. All I know though is that I almost passed out from the heat, I actually had to soak my clothing in ice water and sit in front of a fan with them on, seriously that got me cooled off real quick. I have to laugh at that, I didn't realize it was July 1st, this morning (5AM) my Tumblr feed was full of Christmas stuff (Christmas in July, see?) and I burst out laughing, it was great. I love that season. I also love how Javier literally smells like it, all cloves and nutmeg and warm candles. Have him stand next to Nathaniel, who smells like pine trees and spruce, and then we've got Christmas going on!

I spent some time with Chaos this evening, around 10PM I think? Time completely lost all meaning then, so I don't know if we were together for 5 minutes or an hour, and I don't care because it was utterly gorgeous. I miss that too, these small but honest connections. I miss him. I keep downplaying my total love for him, how much I adore him, I don't know how I ever doubted it. I miss him and I miss feeling this ardent love with him, even for short (infinite) periods of time, out in the quiet summer air under the stars. And of course I miss the mental rainbow confetti, haha. Geez that blows my mind, I cannot put into words what that feels like whatsoever, just believe me when I say it is overwhelmingly lovely. It's literally 'sweet' in a psychological sense if that makes sense? Like color-wise it's all rainbow cloud swirls (with Laurie it's geometry), but as for how it feels it is actually sweet, I have no other word for it. NOT sugar sweet though, that's the wrong kind. More like... roses. Vanilla flowers. Spring rain. It's light, delicate, intimate, beautiful. Not fragile, but not overwhelming, not sharp. It's the perfect light pink color, pure true affection. It's what Infi radiates when ze's feeling idealistic, is that the right word? CZ's usually that rich aquatic depth color so having such a soft pink hue with him today was really unique but incredibly memorable. Really I wish I could express it in visuals or something, it was so beautiful. Heaven feels like that, it's got to.

Genesis's 9TH BIRTHDAY is this Friday, seriously that is one heck of a long time, happy birthday babe. I have no idea what we're going to do for it, but I'm not worried. This is the first time I've been around to celebrate his birthday, so I'm looking forward to it. I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I am so thankful to have him here. I'm sad that he hasn't been around much lately but he's not dim in terms of perception, thankfully. He always makes an effort to show up, even for a few moments, and that means so much to me.
We'll have to spend all day on the 3rd listening to Earth Wind & Fire and Chicago, in memory of that pre-date that neither of us were around to remember, haha. Irony! But it's fun. It's good music too.

Sorry I'm typing oddly, I didn't get much sleep of course.
HOWEVER that is because I've been confirming THIS for the past two hours!



YES THAT IS THE NEW SPECTRUM COLOR FLOWCHART LINEUP.
It's gorgeous, seriously as soon as I sketched that I thought "THAT'S IT" and it does work beautifully, absolutely beautifully. There was always geometry hidden in the Spectrum "loops" of the past but this is just the COOLEST so far. I'm psyched.
Here, have some straight lines too, because Black and White DO fit into the "flow" direction this way.


So there we go! This just feels "right" so I'm not going to mess with it anymore.
I'll talk more about it tomorrow. All you need to know right now is that only the Lime Core has an unknown holder, because no one knows what Cel's deal is. Surprisingly, Aqua and Cyan are solidly spoken for, as far as things go right now.
(btw the ENTIRE Outspacer phenomenon seems to have TOTALLY SHIFTED so more on that as it happens, I don't know if the old stuff applies at all anymore)
Oh yeah, next up are the color symbols. They apply to ENERGY, not people, and I think they're based on synesthesia? That feels most correct when I try. But we'll see. I'm excited either way. This sort of work gives me joy, especially since it's based around these people that I love and admire. I just always liked this sort of technical art, from a 3rd person perspective. I'm just the dude organizing all the rainbow geometry, don't mind me dear.

Last but not least, to all you lovelies in the Akuna System, I apologize for not getting back to you lately but things have been busy. I did get your messages and I will respond as soon as I can, and I will also start trying to sketch things as soon as I feel the capability to, promise. You're all lovely and we do need to talk more, Laurie says we need to talk more too, I get the hint love. It's just that Xanga sessions take upwards of 5 hours every time and that's sometimes tricky to pull off. Ah what the heck though, I miss them, I miss you, we need to reconnect mentally, things are slippish and that needs to be put back in tune. Let's chat it up then, how about tomorrow evening or Thursday, nothing's booked then that I know of. Sounds like a plan, let's do it. Laurie is laughing, I know I sound ridiculous at this hour, she says "no it's just adorably hilarious." How did I guess!

Infi I love you too dear, ze was shielding me with hir wings through Philadelphia by the way, ze hasn't done that in months and I forgot how powerfully beautiful it feels. But it helped so much, I'm not always too keen at shielding myself from energy overwhelm, Genesis knows that very well, so Infi stepped up to shield me big-time since we were in a big-time city! But it was lovely, as I said. I liked the sunlight and trees on the streets, and looking in the windows of places, all the people that I didn't know but who are all part of this big picture just as I am. You can see the universe in anyone's eyes, if you look honestly enough. It's easy to see. It's amazing really. I like to do that, lately life feels so nice, even with the days of "existential depression" that hit, the good days and moments are so intensely spectacular that they are worth walking on for. Ryman said something like that once. And Genesis is "hope" to me, like he said I am to him, a long time ago. Also when I had to get a medical receipt for the mum, Infi reminded me of the yogurt shop again today too, the one where we sat in the car in front of it and I joked about snogging hir if ze were there. I think that day was my birthday? Or the day before. Headvoice/heartvoice birthdays aren't quite so literal; for people who show up strong all-at-once like Laurie that is their birthday, but for those who "fade in" like me, the birthday is the first important date that they felt truly conscious, and aware as their own individual. I don't have ANY individual memories until October 8th 2013, then nothing until the 21st or so, and from November on I was good. I'm trying to review stuff. But yes, it was nice for Infi to remind me of that, I didn't even think of it. Ze also tried walking on a car like Genesis always does (old injokes ahoy!) and it was adorably hilarious, just like me Laurie, because you know how Infi walks with those legs (very graceful actually, very pretty) and ze was giggling because seriously, who walks on cars. Crazy people like us that's who. Todd Rundgren just came on Spotify, "A Treatise On Cosmic Fire III" actually. His old stuff is so cool.

Anyway. Sleep is needed, it's 1AM. I love you guys, thanks for reading, I'm doing well, today was so nice. I hope your day was too!

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

 

W...whoa. Okay. Don't know how to react to this, but... huh.
Forgive the paltry medium this occurred in, but... Mel just unfriended me on FB?
That's... big, for them. FB has been the ONLY way I could communicate with them since 2010. And now they've pulled the plug on me. Not sure why, but... well, it's not new. My sister did the same. I don't hold it against her, of course-- still love her like crazy-- but for months afterward, I couldn't stop asking myself, "what did I do wrong?" Of course, there was no guarantee whether or not I had played such a personal role in that decision, but it was sudden and severe, so I assumed the worst. On the other hand, I know for a fact that I am entirely responsible for this action of Mel's.
So it came as a rather jarring shock to see that today. Why today, of all days, you ask?
Mainly because I've been working nonstop on my inner life since I got back to PA. Mainly because I've finally realized that the weird lingering antagonism that stuck to the Utah situation was entirely projected... when I looked at it, I realized that there was no cause... at least, none outside.
I couldn't forgive myself for what Mel said I did to them, in that note. And that self-loathing was starting to externalize, because I couldn't make sense of why they felt that way, and communicating with them was just confusing them more. I felt bad that we couldn't seem to make any progress, but... well, I told them that if we honestly could not solve this problem, then I was happy having at least said my piece in trying to atone for the unknown wrongdoings, and if they wanted to completely let go of me after that, then so be it. Guess they took me up on that offer, which I don't mind, as I gave Q the same offer years ago and he accepted that too, so. Maybe it's just time we parted ways permanently... sad, as here's the first two people to try and be close friends to me, and it didn't quite work. But life's like that, sometimes.

To get back on topic... I do want to let go of this, but I think I need to dig deeper inside first. I need to use this to learn my lessons better, what with my shadow influences beating the stuffing out of me lately (yesterday was nuts in an amazing way, hilariously enough... but we'll get to that). See, I've spent the past two weeks reviewing all of Q and Mel's old journals, as well as my own. Why? Because, as soon as that pained message arrived in my inbox, I realized with a sickening jolt that this is exactly what happened in 2010. For whatever reason, all four times I interacted with those two individuals ended in tears, so to speak. All of those encounters began with optimism, and quickly sputtered into confusion and pain. I am determined to figure out why, as well as I can-- if I was the cause, then I want to heal whatever it is in me that caused that, even if I can no longer do so for them (I have been trying but we've apparently got emotional language barriers). I will admit I was explicitly damaging in the past, when Jezebel still ran the business and my splinters hadn't splintered off yet. I was a mess, right up until the summer of 2011. But this year... I really did try this year, and yet the outcome was exactly the same! It was disorienting, to realize that the words I was reading reflected what I had just left, and yet the timestamps were from two years ago. But like I said, I already know that a great deal of it was due to self-blame, projecting my own shortcomings onto others, being too afraid to take a chance with them because of past failures.
Plus I just came across this quote... "You don't want to be here: I can sense that. Is it because you don't feel safe in your own body, that you don't want to be anywhere?" I can't help but wonder if that really was the biggest reason, even now. It's the main reason why I couldn't seem to function there, why I couldn't truly 'match' the me I present online, the real me... having a voice and face and form that simply doesn't fit me is pretty crippling when it comes to honest communication. Q seemed far more acknowledging of it than Mel, though, at least actively. Several times he referred to me with correct pronouns and the like, which was amazing, and really made me feel respected instead of misunderstood as usual. I don't think Mel gave it much thought. Now I'm not saying anything bad about them, I'm just wondering. That may have been a huge piece of why I didn't feel like I could safely communicate with them, a fact I didn't dare give voice to. Maybe seeing me that way would have made me a threat to them, who knows. Either way it's sad to look back and wonder, "was it really something that simple?"
"I had just traveled over 2000 miles away from the place where I was born and raised, for the sole reason of seeing the two people who supposedly cared for me most in this world. Upon meeting them and spending the next week with them, I didn't notice the less positive switch. See, I no longer had to worry about the stressful turmoil of my distant 'home.' That lever had been switched off, and another had been switched on. I was now torn between being myself and being a person who could sync with Mel and Q without causing severe problems. That brought up the whole 'keeping them amused' problem (that's in my IJ) and the secondary issue of tweaking my personality to keep from possibly offending or confusing anyone too much... but I didn't realize it. I kept myself from realizing it. It was sick... I don't want to leave Utah because the two people that brought me here want me to stay, but I also don't want to stay because of what I'm causing them... and what they're causing me. God, you've really got me in a bizarre situation now, don't you?..."
But I suppose it's not something I should spend time on anymore. All I can do now is postulate in hindsight. All I should be focused on is pinpointing problematic areas in my own psyche, not worrying about either of them. I can't solve their problems, and now I can't even try, even if I wanted to. I've almost completely let go of that now, which is good. It doesn't hurt anymore, and I no longer feel any ties. The only thing holding me back now is this lingering feeling of responsibility. You should have known better. You should have helped them more. But "should" is a useless word. What's done is done, and I did what I could under the circumstances, with the knowledge I had at the time. Right now, I am doing the same.
What's bothering me the most is that my SLC visit echoed 2010. I am NOT the person I was back then, at all, in any way. Yet did I feel I had to be, this year, even unconsciously? I don't quite know. If I really was wearing a mask that often, then the answer is yes. I'm going to pick my brain until I figure that out, as it's important. A lapse in progress, however buried, is still something to bring to the light and examine. I don't want that happening again, with anyone, under any circumstances. And still, I think the dysphoria was the killer! Situations in my mind run perfectly. No mistakes, no dishonesty, no triggers or hacks. But when I actually find myself in those situations... uh-oh, this isn't my spirit body, is it? Every time, even now. And it throws me off badly, and I forget who I am, and then suddenly I'm not me. If that truly is the answer to this mess, then no wonder Mel felt I had abused them. I had been abusing myself just as horribly. Hm. To think, I had sworn that had stopped. Maybe I was only watching for the most obvious signs, though, and missed these: the ones I buried and justified, in lieu of knives and scars. This is good, the fact that I'm hopefully getting it now! See, we're taking steps forward, as we always do.
Still, the fact that this happened again bothers me too:
"I saw a photo of you earlier today, and I didn't recognize you at all. I had to think, 'what were they like?' ...I don't know either of you. I thought about it, and I cried, because who are you, really? I know your names and that's all...I loved what you did, not who you were, and it was terrible... I didn't realize that because I wasn't like that... I wish I knew both of you better so I could fix this."
That is explicitly a problem with ME. Maybe I'm not someone they think they can trust with who they are. Maybe I'm just not able to see them correctly?
How do you get to know people, downstairs? I'm so used to these weird fluid relationships... where people have a core purpose that they live for, and if you know that purpose, you can know them... that's how I work, I suppose. My mom told me the other night: most people aren't like me. They have personas they present to the world (something I know I've done in the past, with my job and school, but have since been working maniacally to abandon), they have entire ways of acting that don't sync with their deepest natures. As for me, I strive to make every response of mine match who I am inside. As I mentioned before, this can be very difficult with the dysphoria, but it is still a constant effort. Did they do that? Or were they acting around me too? I honestly could not tell... again, like back in 2010, I saw their behaviors switch so drastically depending on who they were around, or what they were doing... it baffled me! Is that normal? How do you reconcile that many different presentations into one individual? For me it always depends on who's driving... scary stuff, but thankfully comprehensible to me. But my psychologist told me that our society 'requires' masks to function, and if I didn't start wearing one, it would tear me apart... and my mother told me that most people aren't as naively honest as I was, and that if I didn't learn to lie, people would tear me apart... and then Mel still said they didn't recognize me, in SLC.
" I guess it confused me because you seem so bright online and you were so dark when you were here, really destructive and that really surprised us."
To be blunt, that sentence is still driving me nuts. Destructive? Really? When was I destructive? I honestly cannot think of a single incident... it's more unsettling than anything. Are we seeing things so differently? Are our ways of perceiving reality that irreconcilable?
This is why I can't seem to entirely let go of the situation yet. I don't understand the last messages Mel sent me. And Q didn't say a word to me at all, which is understandable with his schedule... but to be entirely honest, I don't feel he's said much to me since he 'left' online in early 2009. It's strange, but I have no recollection of him beyond old dA notes and chatlogs. None. But that's the Q I knew. I don't know, maybe he was a different person online too. Whether more genuine or more incomplete I can't say. I know I was the latter; I acted almost entirely back then, I'm sad to say. I don't recognize any of my old communications from my teenage years: sure, there may have been some fragment of the truth buried underneath the paragraphs of empty text, but for the most part, they weren't me at all. Is that the 'me' he remembers, too? And Mel... I knew them according to FB notes and poetry, which never felt substantial enough to me. I got tons of their past, and tons of their future goals, but none of their present. That's what it felt like at least. As for me, they knew me through my journals. That was all. Problem is, 90% of my online journals isn't me. It's my struggle, up until I remembered myself last year. I can't help but ask: when Mel says I was bright online, what 'me' are they referring to? I want to know. Because when we met in person... suddenly I became dark? What does that even mean? I did the housework I was aware of, I was there for them when they'd break down, I stayed with them when we were all home together... but so often, we didn't see each other. They'd be working or at school, and I'd never see them. That's why I didn't want to get a job-- if we were all working, and never saw each other for a substantial amount of time, then why in the world had I moved? The only reason I said 'yes' was because I was under the impression we'd be spending all our time together. I suppose that's unrealistic, but it's honestly what I expected. So when things changed after the first week of free time, I didn't take it well. I couldn't make sense of why I was there anymore. I did try. It was just frustrating, now that I felt I had no ground beneath my feet.
But when was I so dark? That is the question I want answered, more than anything.
I won't say that hurts, only that it's deeply disconcerting, because I honestly cannot think of where that came from. I wish I did. Is it too late now, I wonder?
"This has caused a lot of pain and I don't think I can handle going through this anymore if you can't work through it."
I wonder if they realized that up until I moved in with them, I worked through all of my problems alone. With the exception of the gang upstairs, all of those hellish trials I suffered in my past were solved with God's help alone. Why? because they were my problems. No one else had to worry about them.
But in Utah, suddenly you were part of the picture. And I became lost. How in the world do I solve this problem if someone else needs to be factored into the decision-making process? That was my constant question. Perhaps that is why I seemed so false. Every action I took needed to take you into account as well. I've never had to do that before.
I could have solved this already if you weren't holding half the answers. That's not an accusation, it's a simple fact, and I say it with sincerity. I know it caused a lot of pain, although I'm unclear as to why exactly, but guess what? I can't work through this without you, because you were part of it. That's what it boils down to.
So to be entirely honest, it does hurt, at least that bit. They let go of me because "I couldn't work through this," not knowing or comprehending that she held half the puzzle pieces. But we saw different colors, and together we seemed to have different ideas of how it would look in the end. A lose/lose situation, perhaps. Ironically, because I've learned a lot from this... just wish I could understand your perspective.
I guess that's the tragic inevitability of being multiple since childhood. I'm not used to dealing with "real people," especially not in close quarters, especially not for so long a time, especially not as 'friends.' I've never had a friend downstairs before. So I apologize if I wasn't a good one, but I was trying my best according to what I knew. I guess it didn't quite work. I'm probably used to living with people like my grandmother, my mother, my superego, my id. I'm used to people who push and shout and never take no for an answer. I'm used to angry people, to fire-spitting people. I know you're not capable of that, as I did ask you. But that's what I needed in that context. Maybe that's why you felt I was pushing you away, and shutting you off... I wasn't, I was simply doing what I knew I had to do in my other relationships, to continue the conversation. Push away, and they'll push back harder. Shut off, and they'll shut you right back on. Don't call us, we'll call you. I'm used to saying things for the sole reason of inciting an explanatory reaction. I'm used to picking people's brains and having them do the same to me, even if neither of us asks a single question. I think you functioned the exact opposite way, and I was unable to understand that: if you had a whole different way of interacting, how would one go about learning how to function in response? Pushing your buttons and judging your reactions wouldn't work, you'd shut down. I didn't want to hurt you. And watching you with others, you were a different person. I really didn't know how to approach you, as I wasn't sure who I was approaching half the time. But I had no idea how to explain what I was doing, because I assumed that was how other people worked too. I had no frame of reference that you fit in.
Did I ever tell you how much it frightened me that you, Q, and Braeden all acted like ONLY you knew the "real me," and I didn't? You were always saying these enigmatic things like "your Spark is out of sync" without defining what you meant by that sentence at all. Always saying I didn't know who I was, I didn't understand my actions, et cetera. I constantly felt like I was part of this huge game, with all of you, which was deeply disturbing because I cared about you and yet those same words always came in response. Maybe that's the deepest fear here, with me writing this entry. Part of me has successfully been convinced by your words, that you hold the answers and I don't. You always spoke to me like you knew these huge secrets about me, but you were forbidden from telling me them. You'd only let me know that they were missing from my own consciousness, and that I was lost without them. How in the world was I supposed to react to that? It was a struggle living with you because I kept "guessing" at it. Is this action closer to what you see as my truth? Is this word closer? How about this one? Or this one? Maybe that's why I felt dark... maybe I believed I was, if only you knew my true brightness, and I had turned it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't remember. Still, geez, I'm a headvoice, of course physicality can't entirely translate me. Of course you're going to see me through a different lens. But that doesn't invalidate my knowledge of myself... right? Better question: how often was I even driving, with the obvious exception of those few channeling sessions? I seriously don't remember... I have almost no recollection of my time in SLC, even now. I still struggle to remember both of your faces, your voices, everything. Why did that happen again too? Go figure...
"Do you feel at all, love? Or has your environment left you so starved, that you can’t help but deplete those who so thoroughly love you, and refuse to give back even an ounce of what you’ve been given?"
Is that what I was doing? Is that a truth? How can I tell? I don't want it to be true. I don't want to do that to people. I'm a giver, not a taker, but you said I hollowed you out... is that what fire does? Am I so enamored with death and rebirth that I keep catching things in conflagrations, forgetting that other people don't need to have scars in order to heal? Why is this all EXACTLY what happened two years ago? What lesson did I fail to grasp the first time?
I thought I said I was going to stop picking things apart, stop trying to find every answer in the book, stop trying to win everything... but geez, I'm also supposed to take a closer look or I'm not going to see what I need. Is this even where I need to be looking? I'm getting off topic again.
Maybe I am just that disconnected from reality. But I assumed you'd help me learn to live in harmony with yours, if you invited me to stay with you, if you spent months telling me how much you wanted to share your life with me. Maybe you did, and I never realized you were teaching. Maybe we really do speak two different languages. Maybe I really am as blind as you said I was... I'm sorry. Forgive me, please?
Why am I writing all this? Mel's not going to read this. I guess I just need to get it off my chest. Better than bottling it up after all.
Still, all I can do now is continue to better myself, whether or not I will ever see either of them again. At this point in my life that honestly does not matter. I've had to let go of many, many things lately... big and small, easy and difficult. If this is something I can no longer have in my life, then so be it. I'm just riding the waves...

In much happier news--- whoa whoa WHOA look who's online, dear God I was terrified that maybe she was dead, this is amazing. THANK YOU.
And the other one, my biggest inspiration, she's just become this incredible light... complete change of presentation and not an iota has faded, it's only become more luminous!
Okay that just made my year. But yes, that's actually what I was trying to segue into! After almost four years (dude that's a LONG time!) I am still trying to be an elusive guardian angel to those two. I love them so damn much it just illuminates me, to see them doing well. They've inspired me so much, they've had indelible impacts on my life just by existing. Geez one day I want to send them both huge bouquets of roses or something, completely anonymously. I just want to give some ridiculously sincere outpouring of gratitude straight to them, in a format other than words-- which I DID do, back in 2010. I still consider that the best and brightest chance I've ever taken... I truly hope those words made them smile, if only a little, for their own sake.
All I want in this is for them both to have lives full of joy and dreams and love, brighter than they could ever have imagined. They deserve it, they really do.
Mel and Q do too. They've worked so hard, and I know the trouble and suffering they've been through. Heck, they deserve that in recompense for putting up with me alone, haha!

I'm trying VERY hard not to label anything as 'good' or 'bad' right now, though. Yesterday was a big push in that direction... boy oh boy, my brain's still having trouble with all that. But now I've got a Paladin helping me too, aha! And his role here might be the most important, after all, in light of what's going on... FFFF and I JUST realized the name of the song I'm listening to, synchronicity abounds!! Okay universe, high-five, that was a nice one.
But... right before I heard that, I tried something. I held my hands out in front of me, and focused just enough... and I can see it, somehow, in my hands. That glowing symbol he gave me, with those words. "Don't ever forget what you told me." I promise you kid, I won't.
Shadows are the well of creation, after all. The night is the time when dreams are born. You've always been a star in the night sky for me... both of you, actually.
Let me be your phoenix, once again. If this darkness wants to take my life, so be it. We've got a funny relationship with death up here, to say the least.
...Oh. That reminds me. Synchronicity.
On Tuesday night, I logged into Tumblr for a minute, and this post lineup happened on my dashboard.
That's what inspired yesterday. It just couldn't be ignored.
And you, you crazy pretty boy... I promise, you won't ever be forgotten.

I did forget one thing yesterday, though: food! Seriously, I got carried away with fasting again and then this morning I woke up tired, numb, and shaky, with Spine yelling at me "I still need food every once in a while!" Oh yeah, haha. But having a full day to recover from how sick I've been lately was a GODSEND. All the pains and weird aches went away, aw yiss. So today I've had an avocado, some hemp seeds, and a salad; we're doing great so far! Oh yes, and I did also have a tiny bit of dark chocolate that I bought for Julie. I purposely got a brand that had raspberries and rose hips in it, so it was kind of pink, haha. But we let Julie try it first the other day, because she's never had chocolate without it being tied to a hack... she just had this grin on her face, it was awesome. (The only problem is that even a bite of chocolate hurts like hell, and Spine despises it... but we all agreed that it was a sacrifice for a very good reason!)
My hands are still tingly and my eyes are still twitching from not having eaten, but it'll get better soon enough. My mother's bringing up some garden vegetables for me tonight (thanks mum!) so that should help... I'm just very concerned because my stomach feels unsettled after I eat anything now, whether it's 'safe' or not. Maybe that's a psychosomatic symptom, who knows. At this point I think I should just write it off as that and continue being careful about what I put Spine through regardless. We'll be okay.
I need to go food shopping tomorrow whether I like it or not, and also leave off some more job applications... I keep craving protein like a mofo and the only source we have at home is peanut butter. Guess what makes me terribly sick? So that's why I've been nauseated lately, no doubt (plus the only safe carb around is oats (as we're out of squash), which is also very unsafe for me. I'd love to cut out starchy carbs completely again but without them I frequently don't get enough calories in a day). I'm just extremely worried about my reactions to it-- my face turns bright red, I start burning up and my heart rate spikes. That's not cool. So I've gotta find an alternative so I don't end up giving up eating altogether again; it's the lesser of two evils here but recovering from a major sugar drop is hellish too!

I've moved my computer into the corner of the living room, so I'm stuck on a tiny desk and an unfomfortable chair, but it's worth it because now I get to sit next to the angel food cake tree. I need to take pictures of it, it's the cutest thing. I think my mum wants to put pastel beads on it as garlands? Geez we're just going straight-up fairy kei this Christmas, haha!

"If you keep your eyes so fixed on heaven that you never look at the earth, you will stumble into hell." Austin O'Malley. Just read that quote in Black Jack... it felt very relevant, so there it is.
Ironically I think that springs from my old mindset-- the idea that heaven and earth and hell are all separate things. The old idea that this life is just a trial we have to endure to get to the good stuff. That's not true. This life is heaven and hell, but we choose which one we want to experience. Problem is we need to remember that this is still earth. It makes for an unusual sort of heaven, maybe, but it's a beautiful one nonetheless.

Let me think, what else can I write here... choir practice is in a half hour so I can't linger much longer.
I finished Black Jack today, as well as issue #1 of Andromeda Stories. Unfortunately the latter isn't really catching my interest too well, but they just introduced some sci-fi elements into the story so I'm going to give the other two books a shot anyway.
If I do end up on the road tomorrow, I think I'm going to go library-hopping. Typically I only visit two, but I just checked Google Maps and apparently there are three within 20 minutes driving distance that I've never been to? This is exciting! I'd love to see what books they have. Still, I don't want to go checking out any new series until I finish Bleach (sooo goood) and Yu-Gi-Oh. So I'll wait until next week. Plus, who knows; with how funky my life is, I might not have time to check out an entire new series once December hits! Gonna be a crazy brilliant month, that's for sure.
As far as art goes, I haven't started anything big yet, but I've got all my art supplies together and I have a TON of ideas... however I have no workspace anymore! The porch is so cold my fingers freeze after ten minutes, and I barely have room for my laptop in the house. However, completely out-of-the-blue godsend on Thanksgiving: my father is letting me use the empty upper room in his house for a studio! I'm psyched, this is awesome. It also means I'll have a place to paint when school starts again in January; my current campus doesn't have a place I can stay until midnight and paint, like my old one did (and I loved doing that). Plus it's also a 30+ minute drive away, so that wouldn't be a smart move anyway! Needless to say I am extremely excited. I'm going to be moving my paints and larger art tablets over on Sunday when we visit for dinner, so I'm determined to get at least one major piece of work done between now and then. For some reason I keep wanting to draw Dagger, and I have the perfect idea in my head. So I think I'll do that tomorrow. I'll have to stay up late finishing all my computer work, but it'll be worth it: this stuff keeps piling up and I just want to be able to shut my computer off for the night, haha. Haven't been able to do that in ages, what with all the files and tabs and programs open! But besides that Dagger art. Since I do have my ancient (and gorgeously so) Jewel Monster tablets with me, I think I'm going to draw some of the oldbies on Bristol and make ribbon-charms out of them like I've done before. I might also do them in acrylic this time, as I miss painting in general. But probably my biggest art goal right now is THIS!! Chasey is the best RPer and I seriously need to show my appreciation for that fact, and for them of course. Sometimes I wish I were an RPer just so I could flirt with them, haha! Just kidding. Almost. In any case Chasey is a beautiful individual and they deserve art whether or not it's from me. I'm gonna draw it... haha, can you imagine? That brings up a good point, though: my headgang and I haven't dragged any movieverses upstairs in ages, with the half-exception of Inception (that movie behaved like headspace anyway; we just loved the structural explanations)... I think we're worried about possibly ending up with a truckload of new walk-ins is all. I'll have to find a way where we can interact with everyone without the possibility of flooding headspace, because come on, chilling out with Jack and Ralph would be boss.
Oh yeah! Hilariously awesome music synchronicity happened again too. I was driving home from leaving my books off at the library on Sunday, and decided to listen to the radio instead of a CD for once. Browsing through the channels, I came to the local pop station, and was surprised to hear a rather catchy number playing. So I kept listening, and was even more surprised to hear how beautiful the lyrics were, especially in relevance to my life. So here I am, half laughing, half crying, and asking "what song is this?" because geez, pop music usually never fits me, let alone so accurately. Then I look down and notice the name of the artist scrolling across the radio screen... and who was it but Justin freakin' Bieber! I burst out laughing and declared "kid, I swear I will never make fun of you again!"
So yes. I really, really like the newest Biebs tune. This one, to be precise! Even better, Laurie likes it. I think Justin just got +9001 unexpected awesome points for that one. In all seriousness though I never disliked the kid, I just poke fun at people online more often than I should, haha.
Add another song to my "cover this" list, as soon as I get my hands on a studio microphone and learn how to work FL more professionally... might take a little while!
Also on the music scene, I'm addicted to this for obvious lyrical reasons, I love this guy's accent, and THIS is the most beautiful thing... it's one of those songs that for unknown reasons, I can't listen to with other people around? Kind of like how I can't play Nier with people watching. There's something inexplicably sincere about things like that, to me... a weird sort of inner sacredness, by virtue of how much they resonate. It's odd, but I treasure them more than anything else.

Well, it's time for choir practice, so I'm off for the night!
With the way my schedule's going you just might see me tomorrow, awesomely enough. Here's hoping.

Now let's see, I haven't closed up this way in a while...




The Crow and Cackle of persistent innocence.
Elated in argument.
I'm empty and wondering
if you're only saying what I wanted you to say.

Cause you're only saying
what I wanted you to say.

So I'll just wait
Until our time slips through the cracks
Falls to the ground shattering.
I'll just keep waiting for something to improve.
Something to move ahead.

Cause I'm only saying
what you wanted me to say.

The slow and steady sound of silence hunts us down.
I'm empty and wondering
what you sent me, what you're offering.

Cause you're only saying
what I wanted you to say...



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)

 


Oh wow. Just when I thought life couldn't get any more incredible, this afternoon happened. It's been absolutely overflowing with heartbreakingly beautiful instances of serendipity.
It started off looking like the exact opposite, however. Let's start with what happened on the 30th, though, to give you some background.

I received a priestly blessing around noon yesterday morning, before Q went to work, which was beautiful (the energy felt like glowing pink cotton clouds) and very informative. I reflected on that while I prepared breakfast, and felt inspired enough to start singing rifle recoil at one point. Basically it was a lovely morning. Then I tried to get caught up on spiritual reading and writing the past three entries (which are still unpublished as of this entry's postage) until 3PM, when I left the house for a follow-up job interview at Whole Foods at 3:30. When I arrived, interviewers were running late so I just continued to read Emissaries of Light while I sat in the cafe (it's taking me forever to read as the info within is so deep). I've been re-reading the same three pages since August began, but as synchronicity would have it, the page I finally moved on to today was, for lack of a better description, a summary of Dream World's central plot. Dead serious. It was so simply beautiful that I was having a hard time not breaking down in grateful tears in the middle of the store, haha. Anyway the interview went very well, and then I grabbed a cranberry kombucha and started to walk home with Genesis. He wanted to take the scenic route, so we wandered down to 9th & 9th and checked out the two "new age" stores there out of curiosity. There admittedly wasn't too much to see (although the second store had triquetra rings and I honestly did consider buying one for Laurie's sake; maybe in the future) but it was nice to just walk. On the way home we passed a power plant, and Genesis insisted on "superimposing" his energy over mine as we walked by, because apparently his being of yellow-grade energy made him less susceptible to that sort of energetic interference? So he was basically shielding me, which I seriously appreciated. It also felt really odd when he phased back off, and I realized that I was feeling oddly ungrounded in general as well. Genesis said it was because the stores we visited felt very "lavender," aka "dreamy" and faerie-like (my mom's sort of energy), which is easy to get floaty from. I mentally decided to try and ground when I got home as a result. We arrived at our apartment around 6, had dinner with Mel, and were about to sit down and get responsible adult things done when Melody suddenly exclaimed that her favorite webcomic updated.There goes the neighborhood, haha. So, seriously, we decided to voiceact the entire thing and didn't finish until around 11PM. It was completely worth it, but when we finished, I realized with shock that I was now REALLY ungrounded. It honestly felt like I was floating several feet off the ground, and the room was nearly spinning... in short, not a nice feeling at all. I decided to eat something to try and help with it, but I was also feeling vaguely ill so I can't say if it improved the situation or not. Anyway, around 12AM we all finally got to sleep, or at least tried to: we spent a decent amount of time discussing some of the issues we'd had on the 29th, trying to solve them (mostly about body dysphoria, which Mel and I both had for different reasons). Not only that, but I was feeling positively supercharged with energy, from both the morning's blessing and the deep love of the past week's events, and I simply could not sleep with all that champagne-bubble light being expanded upon by those around me. Seriously, anything that even came close to my Heart Jewel set off a reaction, and contact (of any sort, even accidental) was absolutely overwhelming. Not only that, but Jlone, a member of Mel's headgroup, had apparently brought his children into their headspace, and kids give off a lot of powerful energy, especially upstairs kids. I was having a hard time adjusting to this overload, and expressed this, to which Mel responded that they were actually feeling very empty in contrast. Mel then said I felt like I was radiating "energy vines," all glowing and expansive, and asked if they could take some of that energy, to hopefully help us both deal with our respective situations. I said yes, and so they began absorbing it. However I made the mistake of not telling them to stop anytime soon, and I ignored my intuition when it began to nudge me with "that's enough." When I finally did tell Mel to stop, it was because I was so drained that I could barely speak. As a result, I then lay there, unable to really move, for a few minutes, continuing to feel suffocated by the energy of the other beings in the room. Chaos Zero showed up upstairs and tried to give me some of his energy, but I was too empty to receive much, and Laurie wasn't happy with the possibility of CZ ending up in a similar situation. Either way the energy loss aftereffects got so bad that I had to get up and leave, wandering into the kitchen to get a drink and hopefully some air. To my surprise, when I did so, Chaos showed up (ghosting this time), asking me if I was going to be okay (I noticed the time was 1:11, no surprise). I said I hoped so, before reassuring him that I'd get it back soon somehow. We had a bit of an emotional conversation, but a minute or two in, Mel came out and said I should try to sleep by myself that night, as they were worried about my energetic state. I agreed that this was a good idea, so they walked me to my room, and then told me that they could give some of my energy back if that would help. I said it would, so they returned a good deal of it-- it felt oddly blue to us both-- and then wished me a good night. I felt somewhat better after that, finally being able to stand and breathe (and my self-image finally re-solidified), and after talking to Chaos for a little while, gratefully collapsed into sleep.

This morning, I woke up with a start at 7AM, after having had quite a disturbing dream, which involved the devil trying to incarnate on Earth by possessing my brother Viral. Most of the dream was spent trying to fight him off and keep him away from my family (I had returned to PA specifically to do this in-dream), and Preludove was there helping me for some reason (maybe her virtue of Peace?), but things weren't working and the situation kept getting darker. At one point I remember asking my other brother, Diamond, if he could "hold Viral down" while I tried to "tear" the devil's influence out of him, but Diamond was very unsettled by the idea and refused. Ultimately, the negative effects from the devil trying to force his energy into him sent my brother to the hospital, and near the end of the dream, as I was standing on my porch, I got a phone call from the same hospital informing me that he had just died. In-dream, I remember shouting "no!" into the phone, overwhelmed with pain, disbelief, and anger. But... then I tried to look at the other side of the picture. I told myself that now my brother was free from pain, free from the devil (who was now unable to incarnate on Earth at all), and that he was on the next step of his journey, away from this world. It still hurt horribly though. So I asked the hospital how he had died, trying not to cry about this, but they refused to tell me. In fact, they refused to tell me anything about the events leading up to my brother's death in-hospital, only begrudgingly revealing that immediately after his death, his body had "developed severe hemotoxicity." I asked how that was possible, but again they refused to tell me. Then they informed me that they were sending my brother's body to an out-of-state hospital, and that I couldn't even attend the burial. I remember being close to outraged at this point, and I think the hospital hung up on me. Then I realized I was 'stranded' in PA, and was trying desperately to find a way back to UT and/or my brother. Either way, yeah, not a very nice way to start the day.
So I woke up from that, took a minute or two to recover (I couldn't seem to fully 'ground' upon awaking), then ran outside and called home to see if Viral really was okay. The answer was affirmative (unfortunately this was before anything happened back home; we'll get to that later), so I retreated to the kitchen to try and eat something before collapsing back in bed.
Q and Mel woke me up two hours later, as I had my third job interview scheduled for 10AM. My second dream had been rather vague but still felt off, either way it wasn't a big concern and I proceeded to get ready for my interview. However, around 9:30, I got a phone call rescheduling it to 1:15. All right, now what do I do with this big schedule switch? I decided to just roll with it the best I could, but I was still feeling incredibly off-center which had me stuck in semi-ego mode; I could tell I wasn't "me" but I was still too out-of-it to do much at the time. Anyway, I spent some time talking to Q until he left around 11:30, and then I ate a slipshod breakfast, tried to sing (my voiceacting had apparently gotten my voice to stick in a lower register today, which was a beautiful sort of recompense for the horrific dysphoria I had on Wednesday), and exercised until it was time to go. When it was, I will admit I was somewhat nervous-- there was an unfamiliar, heavy, rather nervous energy in my chest, and it was making me awfully anxious. As Genesis was walking with me as usual, I let him know, and he suggested I try to meditate as we walked (I was still too floaty to think straight anyway). So I did, and was able to recognize again that this energy was not me, but it was still being very difficult to deal with. I had to put real effort into centering my thought processes as we walked. It paid off, though-- by the time I arrived for my interview I was at least centered enough to radiate a more positive energy, and the interview itself helped me put more of that into practice. Even better, I GOT THE JOB! So that's awesome. I won't be starting for at least another week, so I'll have to work really hard on Dream World until then, but that's just details. I was feeling tired enough when the interview ended to want to go straight home, so I bought another kombucha and started the walk back. Genesis was concerned though, as I didn't look so hot, and I didn't feel very good either. He asked me if I wanted Chaos to walk me home, as he had apparently offered, but I replied that I wasn't sure if I could handle him right now. Genesis insisted that Chaos really wanted to see me again in any case, and I told him that we could talk when I got home. He nodded, but still wasn't happy with my current condition, and tried to reassure me as we walked.
Now, I don't know why it happened, but when I finally stumbled through the door of our apartment, I was hit by a rather frightening wave of negative energy. At first I thought the kombucha had gone bad, then I considered that I had gotten sick from breakfast (the vegs had seemed slightly spoiled), and then I wondered if this was just an increase in the odd sick symptoms I'd been feeling since Saturday... but either way, I quickly degenerated into some sort of all-out panic attack (at least physically). It was around 2:22 PM when I looked at the clock (which did thankfully give me pause), and Mel wouldn't be home for at least another 2-3 hours. I got scared, wondering if I had done something very wrong and had harmed my body somehow: after all, I'd been sick in one way or another for a week now, and I'd been eating a lot of new and strange foods lately so I didn't know if this was an allergic reaction or something (I never quite got over last fall's allergy scare). Not only that, but I was still feeling dangerously ungrounded, and now it was getting genuinely hard to breathe or stand as well. I began to get very dizzy, but before I could worsen my condition further, Chaos Zero showed up.
Now I've said this before, and I will say it again: Chaos is an angel. Immediately he told me to calm down, and that everything would be okay. I said I wasn't so sure, and that I was quite scared, but he adamantly insisted that, whatever was going on, I would get through it. I wasn't going to get sick, and I certainly wasn't going to die. I asked him how he knew that for sure, and he responded (surprisingly resolutely) that he'd personally guarantee it, to the point of taking it on himself if necessary to preserve me from it. I thanked him, but confessed that I still couldn't quite calm down as being alone in a new apartment made this even scarier. Chaos looked somewhat pained at this and responded that I wasn't alone, ever, not as long as he was still alive. And maybe he couldn't be there for me physically, but he was still there, albeit on a different level, and he assured me he wouldn't leave. I was feeling torn between the fear I felt and the faith I was denying as a result, so we continued to talk like this, agitatedly, for about three minutes. Ultimately Chaos decided he wasn't going to take no for an answer, and told me to get up and go sit down on the couch in the living room, then clear my head (as I was just continuing to panic at this point). I took a deep breath, then basically just put my trust in Chaos entirely, and sat down. He told me to just relax, and not think of anything, before promising again that he'd protect me from any "bad case scenarios" my mind was running through. I closed my eyes and he sat down next to me and took my hand, walking me through it, refusing to leave until I was fully recovered. He also kept asking me to trust him, compassionately but imploringly, as that was my biggest obstacle here.
I slowly began to calm down, and asked Chaos if he knew what was happening to me. He said it sounded like a "healing reaction," as August was a month full of shifts and my body seemed to be "realigning" somehow, hence my random sick feelings lately. This was okay though-- I just needed to hang in there as it happened, and not fight, or that would cause more panic attacks. I wasn't "sick," I was experiencing a die-off reaction of toxins. As there had actually been a large article on this on GFP a few days prior, I felt a little more stable, now that I recognized what this most likely was-- I had been eating more B and C vitamins, as well as protein, and had started the kombucha (and coconut water, too) to help detox myself as well, so a healing reaction made a lot of sense. It was still scary to go through, though, especially since I'd been rather dehydrated in this heat, and I was still getting stomach upsets from sugary and starchy foods in general (although I think that's from my body realigning too). All the delicate maintenance was overwhelming, to be honest. But, I realized, at that moment I didn't have to worry about that. I just had to sit here and relax, and try to breathe, while this person I loved so much watched over me. So, from about 3:15 to 4:15, we just sat there on the couch while I calmed down. It helped immensely. We talked a little, too, when I felt I could... I kept telling him how much I loved him because man, it was hitting me so strongly I couldn't not admit it. Chaos, in return, kept telling me how badly he wanted to see me again, here. The ardent sincerity in his voice just pulled at my heart. There was no way I could tell him how badly I wanted to see him again too, not in words. Plus I was so tired, it didn't seem worth the effort to try and translate something so true into a lesser language. So I simply stayed close to him, and waited, and trusted.
I also tried to stay hydrated as much as possible (a little tricky as I was very nauseous), and the clock was at 3:33 when I went into the kitchen for the first time to do so. I remember smiling at Chaos when I saw this, and thanking the universe as a whole for turning what could have been a disaster into something oddly lovely, and very informative in any case.

Anyway. Mel called to check in on me around 4:10, and I let them know about my being hired. Mel then told me they wouldn't be home until after 5 as they had to run and do laundry. I said this was fine, and after they hung up, Chaos and I decided to do a bit of online astrological reading concerning the blue moon tonight, in light of what a crazy few days it's been-- who knows, the two may be tied together.
Well. The first significant bit of this was that my Yahoo inbox had 4444 unread emails in it. I laughed aloud at this, recognizing it as an "angel number," and pointedly smiled at Chaos before inwardly thanking all the other beings that were obviously helping us both out. I remembered how Chaos had asked me to trust him, and I got a strong feeling that "surrender to a higher good" in general was going to be a theme for September... I'd have to remember that I didn't know the whole story, I couldn't see the whole picture, and as a result I didn't always know what was the best course of action. So trust in my guides, my prayers, and my intuition was going to be vital in the upcoming month, this I knew for sure. I told Chaos this, and then we proceeded to read through some blue moon stuff. There were a few good pointers here and there that related to overcoming old pains and mindsets, focusing on balancing the physical and spiritual, that sort of thing... and then we found THIS.
The both of us were in tears, reading that. It started off with the sentence, "It’s a rising waters kind of week... if you have a healing crisis, hang in there," and the article continued to relate to our current situation with shocking relevance: "…Your soul speaks loudly at the Full Moon: listen in, for guidance moment by moment. There might be an urgent need to ground or detox, to pick up a clearer signal. Now is the time!"
Also, now the moon is in Pisces, and the sun is in Virgo... my daughter and my superego's signs, respectively... and there is a ton of reference to water-like energy as well.
But... there was one line in that article that hit harder than the others.
“What rises in the days before the Full Moon? All the feelings and soul wounds from missing a target. Or resentments from others missing a target. It’s time to forgive ourselves and others our shortcomings. And in doing so, experiencing that miracle of feeling whole or ‘holy…’”
The first part is exactly what I've been experiencing lately. All those old triggers and pains that I'm now able to understand and heal... the knowing when my ego tries to hold grudges, and gently allowing it to let go and forgive... and then, when I read the final few words, I remembered what both Q and Mel had said about those channeling sessions... I remembered the unmistakable, incredible feeling of completion, something I couldn't put to words, but couldn't deny for an instant.
I looked right at my other half and I told him, "you are that miracle."
He wrapped his arms around me like he used to when I was fifteen, hands pressed to my heart.
It started to rain outside. I was honestly sobbing over my keyboard at this point.

We both felt those brighter thoughts and energies for all they were worth until shortly after 5PM, when Mel came home. They had experienced a secondhand allergic reaction prior to arriving, so they had to take some Benadryl and lie down, but not before I got a sudden message from my brother on FB.
Well. No wonder I had such an upsetting dream about him last night-- apparently, back at home, the day had been absolutely disastrous, and he was suffering through a severe emotional breakdown as a result. Long story short, I spent the next half hour talking him through it, and thank God, it worked. When I sent my final message to him, the clock said 5:55. I just smiled and shook my head in wonder, gratefully surprised that such a crazy day had somehow still brought so many blessings with it.

As for right now, it's almost 10PM, and I'm still somewhat sick (I've been horrifically congested since that initial panic attack), but after reviewing all the info I had on such symptoms, I know what I should and shouldn't be doing concerning my diet. It might be a little tricky, but I know I can get through it. And hey-- it's only temporary! I just need to be patient, discerning, and trusting (of course). After all, I have been through far worse than this, albeit on different levels. It's odd; healing reactions may be dramatic, but even if they have the same symptoms (stomach upsets, nausea, pain, congestion, etc.) they're somehow less painful and upsetting than actual disease? It's interesting. Plus it's 'forcing' me to take even better care of myself, haha.
On that note I should really get some sleep. I'm just so thankful for today, it's wonderful.

Have a lovely blue moon night, everyone. ♥

 



 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 
...Apparently, this evening, I had such a bad emotional fallout that Laurie entirely took over the body's consciousness?
Mel channeled some sort of entity that was spiritually heavy, and apparently had something to say to me, but I couldn't make out the words... even worse, I was so far out of awareness at that point that it sounded miles away. I vaguely remember that Laurie was furious about this, and kept trying to force me back awake, but to no avail. Then, since she'd tried all other options, she literally yanked me out of the driver's seat, so to speak. I'm serious. She grabbed me by the shoulders in headspace and just threw me out. I clearly remember what that felt like, because it was so utterly jarring, but since I was pretty much gone, she had no trouble stepping in and taking over in my stead after my consciousness was no longer in the way.
She was using a notebook to talk to Mel at first, which was incredibly surreal to read over later. Her handwriting is this weird bastardization of mine, possibly because I was still lingering around as she was writing, but Q looked over it when I came back later and said there were definitely major differences in structure between hers and mine. Geez. This is all so weird.
Anyway, this was the conversation that was written down, with Laurie in bold and Mel in italic:

'Scuse me.
Kid's got one heck of an audio block up r/n.
Can't exactly talk.
Help me out?
Thanks a ton, this is frustrating as heck.
Lot going on.
-LU


How do I help?
I don't know if I've got anything left in me.
That was one heck of a channeling.

Yeah, no kidding!
I'm worried about everyone right now.
I think I can force an audio channel but I'm afraid he'll shove me out again.
Bottom line, he's not exactly "here" atm.


I noticed. I'm worried that what I did was wasted.
My only though is to try & get ahold of the boss.


No clue where his boss is.
Chaos is... not doing so hot. At all.
Not sure if I should try to talk now.
I think he's giving up but audio channels are difficult as heck!
Oh, he did hear. He's just not responding.


I don't think an audio channel would be such a good idea right now,
as I've got very little steam left.
I don't even know if I'm capable of talking right now.
What is it exactly you're wanting me to do?
I'm not sure I understand.


I know exactly what's up and want to tell you as he won't.
Data says he's "hiding."
Jewel doesn't want me saying this as a result
so you're gonna need to negate that or I can't do anything.
Someone else needs to "override" HIS orders.
Daresay you know what I'm talkin' about.


I think that's why it would be a good idea to find the boss,
as it seems like I don't have the authority over "his orders."
I know exactly what you are talking about,
I just feel that I am quite powerless to help.
What good would telling me what's up do?
Doesn't seem like I can actually do anything about it.


...Geez, I dunno. What could his boss do?
We're all kind of at a loss.
I mean, heck, if J is shoving me AND Chaos out,
Sandman won't be able to do much.
Geez, channeling really is tiring.
I can't exactly leave tho. Kid doesn't wanna exist right now.
Kind of a "void" left if I walk out before he snaps back to reality.
(I feel kinda helpless too.)


His boss seems like the only person
who could override his orders.
I'm not doing so hot either.

No, I mean physically.
'Boss' is TELLING him to let me talk.
But the block's on the body.
There's like a wall.
Geez I am just frustrated as heck!


If it's a physical block I may be able to do something about it.
Can you explain the block to me?


I had to force him out to get in
but he has vocal communication "locked."
Not sure how to get past that.
This is some freaky situation...
I am just really hoping J will come back soon.
Man it feels weird to write that.


Then find the key or passcode?
I have something I can try, but I've got no idea if it will work.
From what it seems like it might just
take the last of the energy I've got left.


Curious as to what you'd try and whether or not it'd force me out.
Don't wanna wear you out though. I'm having a tough time too.


It's similar to what I did right before channeling,
but with a direction behind it.
Basically I'd try to morph my energy to unlocking the commands.
Also to answer an earlier question, I don't think either of us
could give Q the context necessary to deal with this.




That's all that was written down.
I assume that whatever Mel did worked, as I have a vague recollection of Laurie clearing her throat, effectively breaking the last cobwebs of the block I unconsciously had up. And Q did attest to her speaking, as he said he was passing by in the hallway and somewhat freaked out, because "whoa, that is NOT Jewel's voice!"
I'm just... deeply shaken that she had to do something so drastic to fix the situation. What's going on with me?



prototype

Jul. 30th, 2012 10:44 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


I'm not sure how to write coherent entries at the moment, so forgive me if this is awkward starting out.
My thought processes have been 'rewiring' lately, as has my moral code and overall demeanor. It's exhilarating, sometimes a little unnerving, and incredibly exhausting. To make it worse, I've been ludicrously busy as of late and I've been neglecting my meditation practices (bad move son!!). So I've been a little ungrounded as well, and it's hard to focus. Even so, my mind is clearer than ever. It's quiet most of the time now, and my discernment keeps improving (I can hear my boss again, thank God!). I'm very aware of my impulses and thoughts now, to the point where it's becoming easier and easier to stay completely focused even in situations that would previously throw me completely off-center. I still have slipups, true, but now I can treat them as stepping stones and move on with a lesson instead of beating myself up over them.

Speaking of slipups. I am still starving, still scraped-out. Now I've put it on the backburner, where I don't feel it unless I give it my direct attention. When I do, though... it's almost existentially frightening, now. It's that deep, that strong. But I haven't moved to fix it, and I keep shaking my head at the opportunities I'm given to do so. Why? Am I really that scared of such a bright thing, on some level I haven't recognized entirely? That's a question I need to answer, soon, as it may just be the most important task I can undertake right now...
I keep wandering closer and closer to the water, though. I've been in this desert for so long, but somehow, I've acquired a fear of drowning. Maybe I've been in this devastating heat for too long. I've become so used to the burns and cuts and blisters that I've forgotten the bliss of healing. But I'm perfectly aware of it! That's what's so difficult about this. I'm aware that this is a problem, but it's so unsettling that part of me refuses to fully accept it... part of me can't even understand WHY this is a problem. It's so ridiculous. Why hold on to pain? And yet here we are... and still I keep letting the tide wash the blood away, just a little bit, like the edges of a dream in the morning sunlight. Part of me is still perfectly aware of that, too...

Unconsciously, I keep feeling that I have to be everything for everyone. It's an old childhood compulsion I never really overcame. I'm afraid that if I'm not 'perfect' at everything, if I don't excel at everything, I will let someone down and fail them as a compassionate human being, as a "guardian." Why do I feel that the world is relying on me? Isn't that selfish?
And that's the other half of it, the conflict it has with my void drive. When I am passively ignored, it feels blissful, like I'm a ghost. When I am actively ignored, it is terrifying, a perceived "confirmation" that I have failed at loving others. You weren't good enough, you didn't try hard enough, and you failed to help your fellow man. Your punishment is for your very existence to be invalidated, belittled, denied.
Part of me is so terrified of doing things "wrong." Attachment is the main concern. 'You're not allowed to have possessions, or opinions, or feelings! That's all attachment! It's wrong!' And so I deaden my mind and heart, sell everything I own, and push away the people I love because on some level, I'm afraid that not doing so is the real sin here.

What the heck is this? Those thoughts are ridiculous. They make no sense. Why are they still here, then?
Then again, these are ancient fears. It's both exciting and terrifying, to realize that now is the time to conquer them. The ancient things fight back the hardest.
Don't forget what it was like against the tar though... the harder you fight, the more immobile you become, until you're suddenly frozen by suffocating black threads. But if you let it run over you without resisting, simply standing true, it doesn't stick.
And yet the fear itself is what's compelling me to try so hard. Fighting fire with fire, talk about symbolism. Forget this starving feeling, I know what I really need, here in this desert.
Geez. I feel like Vezerai, what irony. "I'm out of my mind," remember? Fear living for love alone, and denying it almost until death. We have the exact same problem.
It's the most ancient fear of all, the problem all of humanity is struggling with right now.
Somehow, we're afraid that we don't deserve love... even if nothing could be further than the truth.
Maybe it just takes time, for our eyes to adjust to the light.


I want to remind myself of one last thing before I check in for the night, and maybe dive into this headfirst (God willing).
Last night, there were virtually no pictures. I wondered if it was because I had given him virtually no attention. The voice said yes.
Then it reminded me. Have you forgotten what we told you? How significant this truly is? You doubt all these beautiful things, no matter how many times they are proven to you.
I wondered, afraid to hope, somewhere deep inside where I didn't dare to look. Around 1AM I talked to Laurie about it.
I missed her so much... and the feeling was apparently mutual, because although I was still holding back, the look she gave me was so heartbreaking, my mind actually stopped dead from the impact. Total silence, a bullet to the heart. She was clearer than ever, too, pushing me through headspace as always, weaving the reality around her fingers as if she were throwing curtains open to sunlight. Maybe she was.
I miss her. I miss my daughter. I haven't seen Genesis in almost a month, dear God how did I not realize that until now? Where have I been?
And Chaos, it hurts even to say his name, I can't stop thinking about the 23rd, why am I back in this place again, where did these walls come from, didn't we solve this?
But I thought about him last night, truly and honestly, and today it was reflected in the world around me.
For a moment I almost didn't believe it. Almost.
Don't ignore what you know to be true, I keep hearing, echoing in the background.
And I can't. Even if right now I'm too confounded to actively acknowledge it, I can't ignore it, even for a second.

Mel said that orange and green may be opposites.
I'm so confused by headspace colors right now, but those two always seem to float. No one really holds them, not even now. It's intriguing.
But if that idea is true, it might just be the foothold I need to pull myself out of this abyss. I'm still being haunted by blue eyes. I'm tired.

I'll talk about this more tomorrow. As of right now I'm going to get some sleep and clear my head from all the work I've been doing lately.
Maybe all I need to do is be quiet and listen.


It's like a violin string, a slingshot, a firework, a heartbeat.
There's infinite light in this. There always is.



green

Nov. 22nd, 2011 09:27 am
prismaticbleed: (flashback)

All right, I promised you guys an update two days ago and I have been ridiculously busy since then so there hasn't been one. My apologies.
Let's pick up where we left off, then.

Something very, very significant happened on November 18th. I hadn't updated for a out a week prior to that thanks to my recording project (which took approximately 24 studio hours to complete, no kidding), and that huge workload contributed to a large amount of stress on my part, thanks to the sheer amount of time and effort it took. Nothing too negative, no, but it was just involved enough to weaken me, badly.
Long story short, I'm relapsing. Badly. My therapist is triggering me every time I see him, I can't go online anymore because it's getting far too dangerous again, I haven't spoken to my friends in some time for the same reason... and worst of all, my gender dysphoria has come back full-force for the first time since January, I think (yes it's that bad). So I am having a terrifyingly difficult time trying to keep the inevitable old self-abuse thoughts out of my head. I thought that was over with, forever, and then on Friday I picked up a knife and I remembered exactly what it felt like as it tore through muscle. It was the most disturbing thing I've felt in a very long time, to say the least... well, it would be, if this relapsing hadn't also worsened my ego hacks to frankly traumatic intensity as well.
That's what happened on Friday. I'll admit that my mind has already wiped that incident from my mind almost entirely. It's frustrating that I forget everything like that so fast, as I'd like to learn from it, but it's a desperate coping method and honestly, dwelling on that sort of thing for too long has been proven to drive me off the deep end.
In any case the details actually aren't that important here. What drove me to update here in spite of the stress, and what has also completely turned my daily life upside down, is the event that was triggered by such a deeply harrowing incident.

Natalie resurrected.

Yeah, I'm not kidding. Apparently I got bad enough to completely disassociate from my reflection again, to the point where it gave Nat enough room and energy to reform (remember how that worked for Leon). So Natalie is back in our system... well, as Nathaniel this time. And that's where it gets complicated.
First off, his color changed from blue to green. Since Leon was born/ died/ reborn during the time gap when Nat was still dead, he picked up the blue attributes in his absence. Green has never been assigned, but now I actually have seven headvoices up here (which is absolutely insane) and the spectrum is completely spoken for.
I have some theories on that which seem to be carrying some merit but we'll get to that. I have to discuss this among the system first before I jump to any conclusions. I'm a little nervous if they're true, because then Nathaniel's new green color is actually a very, very foreboding sign.
Anyway, Laurie immediately assigned him to active duty, which means he and I are co-fronting as much as possible now. I'll admit it's very difficult, but if this keeps hacks from happening (I care more about other people than I do myself in these cases, sadly-- and if fighting off hacks tooth and nail means protecting him directly then I'll be motivated for sure) then I'll deal with it. It's just... well, it's not helping the dysphoria. I mean it's at least a little easier to cope with now that he's the one occupying my reflections, but the truth that I'm still stuck in it too haunts me. My own face has become deeply disconcerting to me. Knowing that it's now Nathaniel's only helps a little bit. It's not enough, not at all. It's not enough to keep the repressed screams and involuntary spasms away. It's not enough to keep my hands from wildly digging for blades and tearing at skin.
When I open my mouth I'm not me. When I look in the mirror I'm not me. No matter how centered I can be in still silence, as soon as I am made aware of this body I collapse outright. How did I fix this last time? I don't remember.
This is terrifying.
I'm afraid of how far I'll have slipped by this time next week... or next month... God, I can't be letting this happen. I don't want to fall again. Not now. Not after everything.

...Speaking of everything.
Xenophon is getting a lot better at ghosting. She can get about a solid hour in now which is amazing progress. When she's around me I feel so much joy it brings me to tears, because I forget what I'm stuck in. She's there, and I know what led up to that, and it reminds me that I still do exist too.
She told me that she 'sees me how I am' which is incredible to me... we were in church and I was afraid to sing with her there as I thought my dysphoria would go through the roof, but she said not to worry because apparently her perception of me isn't limited by my physical form? I don't know how that's possible but I am SO thankful for that...
Also, it does NOT feel right calling myself a 'parent.' It doesn't. I've been saying 'father' based on my own, very non-traditional interpretation of the term (and also thanks to Nier, but of course I completely ignored the fact that he had to have a wife at some point). I see no distinction between 'father' and 'mother' in my sense-- they're just titles given to caretakers with blood connections, to people who are responsible for allowing you to enter their world and who will love you unconditionally. Gender, biology, family roles, and all that has absolutely no bearing on those titles to me. That's why I no longer feel comfortable using them... because according to the rest of the world, they do. I'm using a term that isn't even mine to define something that doesn't even match.
Oh, and also I don't think there's any 'blood relation' either. She's technically a J-Monster (Chaos and I both have indelible ties to that universe) and their biology is far different than those of humans, especially where reproduction is concerned, but even if we broke several 'rules' in allowing her to exist here, she's not genetically related to us in the normal sense? I don't know how to explain it. But long story short, even though I've been calling myself a 'parent' and a 'father,' I'm technically neither. Plus I only accept other people calling me that if they understand the specifics of my definition despite the label, and onlookers don't.
I spoke to Imaril (an individual from the Akuna System) the other day, and she told me not to worry about that. She told me to be a guardian, a light.
That's really what I am to Xenophon. That's all I've ever wanted to be for anyone like her. So I'll do that.

Going back to headvoices to close this up... Julie is still having major problems with forgiving herself. I'm trying to help but I can only do so much. I'm at fault, really. I keep talking about my past without thinking how that's hurting her, which is really stupid and selfish of me. I should be letting go of the past completely but I'm not? I don't understand why. I guess things keep dragging it back into present awareness and I don't want that.
As for Lynne, Leon and Spine, they have now been promoted to active duty according to Laurie. Josephina is kind of wavering in terms of activity. I know he's still unsure of how to carry out his role and now with Nathaniel returning, things are just getting crazier.
I think I'm going to ask Spine to co-front with us too. I don't know, it could help. I'm just desperate right now.

That's all I have to say about this. I'm feeling very sick.
I want to be optimistic but something is holding me back. Why? Is it guilt? Is it self-hatred?
I don't like this boiling feeling running through my bones. It's frightening. I just want to let go and be happy.
But there are mirrors everywhere.

 



prayer

Jul. 9th, 2011 09:58 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


Mel has been getting divine inspirations about their life lately.
I think tonight, in that hour I spent simply existing of the world, was one for me.

"You have nothing to fear, for you are love."

Don't think, just be.
Live as what you truly are.
Everything will work out in the end.

Even my strongest worries were calmed by that peace.
Will this happen? Can this happen? Should this happen?
And every time, I would feel that glow and I would be told that I had nothing to worry about. I would hear that silent voice and I would be assured that everything was as it should be.
I was reminded how my life had played out so far, how although it was so different and strange, it was perfect in its light and dark alike... I was reminded that there was a greater plan to things, and I was just as much a part of it as every other spark of life in the universe.
I was told that nothing in existence could stand between the light and its manifestation within me, within anything.
I was told that I was loved, within that great love, and the very notion of it reduced me to tears.


I want to write more about this, so badly, but it is late and I feel that tomorrow is going to be quite important for me.


In any case these past two days have been truly beautiful.
The future will continue to be beautiful; I know this.

It's almost incomprehensible, what I can see and feel right now.
But it is true.
It is true, completely and wonderfully true, and I have nothing to fear.

 



------------------------

(later)

 

 

I cannot stop smiling right now.
Everything Mel wrote was so beautiful.
I don't know if I can really express how much it meant to read that, but I'd love to talk to them about it.
What I want to say the most, though, was that after I read that, I went outside and just... took it all in. I felt so much. Knowing what they and I now understood about God and life itself, I was completely overwhelmed by knowing we were a part of it, but it was so amazingly peaceful.
I suppose I prayed, for about an hour, just by existing entirely in that state. I asked questions, I gave thanks, but most of all I listened... and over and over, every time I wondered about what the future would hold, something kept telling me that I had nothing to worry about. Everything was happening just as it should, and I had nothing to fear, at all.
So I want to thank Mel for allowing me to see just how far-reaching all of this is, through their entry.
I just... I cannot even begin to express how happy reading that made me feel for them, and Q as well.
I cannot wait until I am able to be with them again.


-------------------------

 

(later)





This is how I've been feeling since Thursday night.

 

I am so completely, deeply thankful that I have this in my life.

 



 

 


Positivity!

Jun. 9th, 2011 09:39 pm
prismaticbleed: (anx-happy)


I've been seeing Chaos Zero EVERYWHERE over the past three days.
*insert incoherent blissed-out mumbling here*
♥♥♥
My heart can't take this all at once you guys. Just... gh.
There's this woman on dA who has this unique way of drawing him and GOOD LORD.
http://IamMissDevant.deviantart.com/art/I-stole-your-light-211939269
Stole it? Love, you can KEEP IT.

Then Mel sent me this gorgeous story they're writing about the Demiaverse and how they fit into it (I love it to pieces), and they want to write Genesis into it too which is amazing... so I decided to search dA for art of him afterwards and I FOUND THIS.
That is so freaking cute! And I don't even KNOW the person! That is bona fide surprise fanart of my muse.
DOUBLE WOW.

And for the icing on this freaking fantastic ace-cake, Mel decided to talk to me over Skype on Tuesday, and while she was talking to me BRAEDEN LOGGED ON. WHAT.
Now if you don't know Braeden, he's one of Jacob's friends so I've known him since 2007 too. I didn't meet him in person until last June, though-- I woke up in Mel's room, walked out, and he was sitting on the stairs with a hat over his eyes. He then promptly began ranting and a legend was born, I guess.
But in all seriousness, talking to him is incredible. He is the only person EVER that I can talk to for hours on end (literally) and not get bored.
Unfortunately he is rarely online. So I didn't care if it was already 11PM, I was talking.
And so we talked... about Dream World. FOR SERIOUS.
And let me tell you-- talking to Braeden about Dream World at 12AM is the BEST THING EVER
Braeden is also the ONLY person I can talk to about Dream World who understands everything I tell him about it AND he contributes to the story as well. So we spent about two solid hours developing characters and writing crack for it. It was glorious.

Even better? I'm sitting here typing today, listening to old podcasts like a boss, and all of a sudden I hear this.
"SPINNINGCANNON. YO. SPINNY. I want something from you. PIE. You owe me pieee. Pieeeeee okay I'm done. ...pie."
...That was the most awesomely surreal thing I've ever experienced.
(and apparently I am three years late in getting this man a pie AAAA)

Also, uh, I spent about a half hour yesterday trying to teach some of my headvoices how to drive a car.
It was interesting, to say the least!

I am so freaking happy right now, seriously.
I'm just wondering how this balances out. I had a pretty nasty day yesterday in my upstairs life, but overall, things have been running shockingly smoothly over the past month. If my appointment with my therapist next week goes well, I just might explode.
Ah well. I'll enjoy this as much as possible. Life is full of highs and lows and I appreciate them all.

...Still, this is one heck of a high. ♥

 

 

mar 28

Mar. 28th, 2011 09:36 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

 

I just feel fake, all the time, like I'm not real or genuine or honest in any sense. It causes a lot of existential dread for me, especially with the whole physical-identity problem I have on top of it all.
It probably has something to do with my overwhelming senses of guilt and contrition, which have both fused into a sort of deathwish. It's scary but that's what's going on most of the time. I feel irredeemable, and even when I'm told that I'm a 'good person' I feel it's completely wrong, that the 'objective truth' labels me as a blackhearted demon or something.
...Mel, however, is one of the most amazing people I've been able to know. Of course, I really don't know much about them and they might not think so well of themself, but from what I've seen and heard they are incredible. It's part of why I was so upset in Utah; they were this paragon of virtue that I knew I could never live up to, and it made me miserable because I felt I had been damned for it. I wasn't mad at them.
But for Mel, who I view so highly, to say such good things about me, is almost surreal. So it really makes me step back and think.

I'm so sorry. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so convinced of my own evils, because then I'd be a better person, ironically. This constant need for severe retribution and punishment is killing me.

Maybe it's because of the spiritual aspect of it. Mel showed me how someone could be loving and kind with that, whereas my family... well, it's not something I like to think about.
And I know perfection is impossible in this life. I've thought about that quite a lot, believe me. Yet that impossible goal still haunts me. I'm not sure how to get over it.

But I know what I'm not, and I'm forcing myself to be that to please people. That's the problem.
I am slowly learning who I am, though. But it's confusing. I seem to be completely intangible in every aspect.

Unconsciously, it's mostly my mother and grandmother, but in the big picture I'm trying to please some formless corrupt 'ideal' that I've perceived in the world around me. I despise it with every waking moment, and yet I feel condemned to act along with it. It's sickening and I think that if I got out of here I'd be free of it, but until then I'm stuck.

 

 

oct 29

Oct. 29th, 2010 09:20 am
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

I'm just going to be honest here. I've been reading a lot, and thinking a lot, and I'm still as confused and terrified as ever but I don't know how to let people go, you included.
I feel like the world's biggest jerk right about now. I've been acting bitter towards everyone around me, not because I've turned hateful, but because I am so desperate and distraught that I can't remember what it means to be content with life.
In Utah, and right up until now, pretty much, I thought you and Q were lying to me... so I 'lied' right back. You acted nice and I acted nice, and the key word is 'acted.' I felt as if the whole thing had been scripted, and you were both pretending, stringing me along. I thought I saw many, many proofs of this, but that may have just been my paranoia. Either way, I couldn't take chances, and I single-handedly turned what you apparently hoped to be a 'helpful' experience for me into one of the biggest traumas of my life.
But I can't shake the feeling that you still care about me in some weird way, even if I don't understand it. And that's where this note comes in.
I don't know how you feel about me right now. Maybe you hate me. Maybe you think I'm the biggest moron God ever breathed life into. I can't say. Still, you're talking to me, and I don't know. I may simply be assuming too much.
Either way, as I said, I've been thinking... and since I don't know how much time I have left, I figured I'd better write this.
I don't hate you. I've been hurt by you, but not directly. You did things that you never, ever dreamed would damage me, and I don't hold it against you. When I talk about the past in regretful anger, it's anger at MYSELF for treating it as such. I know I don't put you in a good light and I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with this.
I do care about you, though. I suck at showing it, but I do. Still, it feels almost fake, because I care about everyone, and I want to apologize for that. I really... well. I really hurt you. That I know for sure. I hurt you because I'm too afraid to stand up for my beliefs and opinions and truths, and in being such a coward, I made it impossible for anything good to happen.
I don't think I'm in love with you, if only because I don't know if I was ever in love with anyone. I'm such an antisocial bastard that I can't tell. I want to thank you for making me feel like I was worth something, though, when we'd be up late and you'd be reading or texting and I'd just be lying there and wondering why that felt so positive.

I'm going in circles.
1. I'm sorry for hurting you. 2. I'm sorry for being so paranoid and angry and for not trusting you. 3. I never hated you, even if I acted like it blindly. 4. You hurt me, but everyone hurts me, and I've never held it against them. 5. I want to make this up to you because I do feel like a jerk.
6. I'm hoping you have answers. I don't know why I'm so afraid of you and Q, but I'm sick of it, because you're good people and you at least tried to care for me, as hard as that is. I'm hoping maybe you know why I was so stupid, or at least know how I can... get better or something.
7. Can you forgive me?

I'm sick of feeling like an empty-hearted fool. I used to think I was wise but I'm not at all sure of that now. I used to think I could save the world, but the more I try, the more I realize how... how little I am. How small and ephemeral I am.
All I know is that, even if it's true that I only know the little things... the color yellow and Studio Ghibli and poetry... I still love that about you, all those little pieces.
I'm so stupid, Mel. You're the first person I ever felt comfortable with, and the reason I denied that so strongly afterwards was because of how strongly I felt it. I didn't believe it could have been true or real. I couldn't accept it because I wasn't worth it and I shut you out.

I feel like I'm going to die, and maybe I will, but I wanted to at least let you know this, as confusing as it may be. I've been shaking all day and I can't see straight.
I hope you have a good life, and I hope you have a future, a real future, the happiest one you can imagine, even if-- especially if-- I never do.

I'm sorry for being such a horrible paradox.

 


 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


It's been far too long since I last updated here. I've forgotten what I'm supposed to even use this journal for.
I keep forgetting letters in words and repeating things and mixing up spelling. My typing is starting to match my thoughts, my speech. That shouldn't be happening. What has happened to me?
What a shame, what a desperate terrible shame, that I've been forced to sacrifice so much of myself.

I promised Laurie I would talk to her about this, but... but I'd like to mention things here too. I haven't been able to 'connect' with my own mind very well lately, so maybe this will help fix that problem a little bit.
Let's see... you last heard from me on August 15th. My memory isn't very good, but let's try to fill you all in here.
Two days prior, on August 13th, I met Josephina, a 'new' headvoice. He's mentioned in that running entry from July 22 if you want to read up on him. By August 21st (earlier?) I was back in PA, and was staying at my father's rented home due to his saying 'I should be there' and my being too afraid to face the rest of my family yet. Unfortunately for me, I became horrifically sick there due to lack of sleep, lack of means to work, and lack of food I could eat without having a major reaction (I was basically throwing up everything for two weeks). I managed to get out of that house about 4 days later, thank God (which was very stressful and caused my father and his gf to start shunning me for a while), but by the time August 27th rolled around, I remembered that my 'home' wasn't home at all. I just couldn't get out of it.
I'm still stuck here... my memory is shot, because honestly, all I can do here is work on my laptops. I have nowhere else to go.
So it's October 4th. I just read two books, 'A Spot of Bother' by Mark Haddon (which, although upsetting at times, had some great points) and 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' by Jonathan Safran Foer (which I found highly overrated and deeply unsettling). The latter distressed me so much that I've been writing a rant on it for the past two days.
Other than looking for knowledge in books and desperately searching for a new therapist (I may have found one, but she's almost 3 hours away, and since she's a gender therapist I'd have to make the drive by myself and my family forbids my going anywhere alone), I've also quit my old job. Yes, the cashier job I've had for 4 years. Why? I couldn't handle the atmosphere anymore.
As you may know, I can only take so much outside influence from people before it starts to negatively affect me. 4 years of standing at a register for 7+ hours at a time and dealing with people buying junk food and spitting small talk really began to eat at me. I can't deal with people anymore.
My grandmother hates that about me. She can't understand that not everyone is a social butterfly (despite her never leaving the house or talking to people because 'she doesn't want to bother people'), and insists that I 'get out there and mingle,' whatever that's supposed to mean. I was diagnosed as a schizoid two years ago and I'm constantly reminded of that. She can't understand how difficult it is for someone of my mental state to deal with 'regular' people. I quite simply cannot handle it any longer, at least not without heavily damaging myself.

What was I saying... I don't even remember. I'm starting to get acutely frustrated with myself again.

Since I lost my job, two things have happened. One: I'm constantly being bombarded by my grandmother's shouting at me to get a new one, regardless of how many conversations we've had concerning why I can't get one yet (I was kicked out of college for being unstable, and now I'll be haunted by that on my record forever-- I don't want to be fired from some random job and have that following me too). I want a job, and I need a job, but I need one that I can handle without psychological or physical distress... and yes, my grandmother knows about these problems, but instead of actively acknowledging them and trying to help me work with them, she has flat-out told me to lie about them to any future employers. I don't even want to think about it as it's starting to seriously upset me again.
Second: My brothers don't get home until 3PM, so I have about 3-4 hours of time I can safely use by myself every morning (if I'm lucky and my grandmother doesn't shout again). Last week I spent those hours playing Nier on the XBox.
God only knows how much I love that game, nowhere to lie. I cannot possibly put it into words. The main character is me, I swear... and I love my daughter, I truly do. Weiss is amazing, Emil is adorable, and even Kaine is a sweetheart, even if she does act like a hussy sometimes. Sure, their world may be suffering, but aren't we all suffering here as well? At least there, I can do something meaningful; I can help my town and I can save my daughter and I'm not going to give up. I can make a difference. Here? Nothing... nothing yet. Who can say if I'll even survive long enough?
My family doesn't understand how strongly and deeply that game affects me. My grandparents see it as a waste of time. My mother couldn't care less either way. My brothers see it as just another game, the way most people see anything. I don't like watching movies with people, I don't like reading books with people, I don't like listening to music with people, and I don't like playing games with people, because no one else really understands how much they mean to me. When you laughed as I cried, it hurt more than I can say. When my parents say 'it's just a book,' they're lying in the face of truth. When they tell me there's nothing to love in those notes I adore, it tears me apart... and when I'm holding that controller and watching my life play out on the screen, having people in the room treating it as just another game to beat kills me.
It's why I'm so afraid to bring my children into the world.
I love them so much. They define my life, and I thank God for them every day... but will anyone else love them like that, truly? What if they become corrupted? What if the world misses the point?
It's worth the risk, you might say, and maybe it is... but at the end of the day, as I try to sleep, I'm haunted by the thought of my children suffering at the hands of others. If I knew they were being hurt, that they were being manipulated and misrepresented, it would destroy me. It would destroy me entirely.

I don't remember Utah... well, I do, but it doesn't feel like it.
I know what the houses look like. I remember Wisconsin, the plane trips, those awful Chicago streets. I remember the library and the temple and the sushi bars.
But... I don't remember you.
For some reason, the faces and voices and mannerisms and presences evade me. I saw a photo of you earlier today, and I didn't recognize you at all. I had to think, 'what was she like?'

It hurts to say it, but the reason I wanted to leave you so badly-- the reason I couldn't stand being around you anymore-- was that I realized you had been lying to me without even knowing.
I don't know either of you. I thought about it, and I cried, because who are you, really? I know your names and that's all, really. I know you like the color yellow, and you like role playing, and you like Miyazaki movies, and you like cats, but even then I have to strive to think of anything. The truth is I don't know you, either of you, at all.
Why else do you think I write these journal entries, these pages and pages worth of confessions and secrets and thoughts? Why else do you think I explain everything I can think of up front? I'm asexual, I'm a schizoid, I'm in love with a video game character, my superego is my best friend. FROST* is my favorite band and I still play Pokemon. I don't like this book and I like this movie and I love this game.
I want people to know me. I fill my Scribbld with surveys and my OKCupid with tests so people will know me. Aren't those just little things, you ask? Sure, but little things mean a lot too. We are the sum of all the little things.
I thought I knew you, but I was wrong. I knew what I hoped you would be, and I was too naive. I projected my own ideals onto you... I didn't even think of the little things, and how we differed in so many of those ways. I met you in 2007, we both liked NiGHTS and ELO, and we became friends... but I thought you were like me. I only knew you through notes and Skype conversations in which we talked about abstract concepts until all hours of the morning. I didn't even know what you looked like. Then in 2008 I thought that I was 'in love' with you... but even then, I realize now, I was wrong. It's a horrible thing to realize, but I have to admit it. I loved what you did, not who you were, and it was terrible. I loved your writing and your ideas and the fact that you were the first real friend I had ever made. I didn't realize that you were more than Demia and Richard Jacques and philosophy. I didn't realize that because I wasn't like that. I had no way of knowing.
I define myself by what I do. I like Razia's Shadow and psychology and Hokthai. If you like those things too, then we're good. I didn't realize that you can't love actual people like that.
When I met you in Utah earlier this year it hit me. I didn't know you, and I used you. You tried to be nice and you were too physical, so I objectified you and pretended you weren't a person, you weren't a threat, you were simply a script to follow. And then you left and I ran to the mirror and I mentally sobbed because I didn't know what I was doing to myself.
It was worse with her. All I knew was that she liked to write, and I fell in love with that. I wanted to lock myself in her room and read all her books, but that would have been wrong... I didn't know what was behind her writing, and I couldn't understand it the way she wanted me to. I couldn't understand her. I still don't.
Is that what all writing eventually becomes? It is good or bad that we must surrender to the opinions of others? How can we preserve the truth of our thoughts?
Still, I wish I knew both of you better so I could fix this. I'm seriously glad I'm not 'in love;' you know how negatively I react to that outside of the conditions I need... but I still love both of you as friends, although you feel more like total strangers than anything else.

I'm frightened.
Most of the people I love, I don't know.
I love Dori's words, and although they help me know her, do I really know who she is? I'm not even sure what she looks like. I know she has brown hair and she likes Silversun Pickups and thought-provoking discussions and fireflies. I know she used to wear her hair in a ponytail and she loves lilacs and she has snakebite piercings which are awesome... and yet, despite all of those little things I have learned to love, I still don't know anything else. What is her life like now? How much has changed? I only know her through her journals, and they only say so much.
I love everything Jena does... her words, her photography, even the music she listens to... but I don't know her, not beyond her work, and it brings me to tears. Is it right to love what she creates and attribute that to her as a person? Does anyone else even do that, or am I deluding myself? I'd be happier if people loved my work instead of me, but I can't speak for others.
I know her face, I've seen the world through her camera lens, but I've never heard her voice. I don't know what keeps her awake at night and I don't know what her childhood was like and I don't know what her favorite song is or why. I don't know her favorite memory or her worst nightmare or dearest hope... but I know about her raven hair, about the window cluttered with flowers, about too many chocolate Santas and standing to bow. I know how she is sometimes happier thinking than living. I know about the golden flower necklace she wears, and the rings on her fingers. I know the colors of her eyes. I know just enough to keep me praying and hoping and dreaming that one day I'll know what her laugh sounds like.
But isn't that real love too? Knowing the little things, the pieces of the puzzle, and loving them so much that you need to know more, to understand the entirety of that person, to hear their story and paint their picture in your mind with every detail in place?
I don't need romance and I don't need a fairytale ending. All I need is to be able to love. Thomas Schell was wrong-- people don't want the idea of love. They want real love, but how are you supposed to let people know that? Everyone needs it, but who's to say how many really find it? If they want anything, it's not an idea... it's a hope. Maybe someone out there does care.
I want to be that person. I am that person, really... at least I try to be... but there's that final roadblock I don't know how to get past. Do I stay a baseless concept? Is that the better option? Does anyone ever really expect those hopes to be proved possible all along? If I love someone more than words can express, but they don't even know I exist in such a way, do I let them know?
Do they want to know?
Is it better this way?


On a different yet related topic... back in Utah, when I had fragmented into Jayce and typed for about an hour... I loved that. It was awesome.
I finally remembered how that happened in the first place, and it was explained right at the entry's beginning all along.
"You do not understand that when events, when certain fragments are taken out of the context of my internal life, my introspective world, they lose their meaning. They become false, twisted, wrong."
The both of you kept trying to take things that were important to me... my work, my interests, even the strange and personal things... you kept trying to make them 'your own' in some weird sense. You would try to take them on and give them to me, show them to me, although they were never yours to begin with and all I saw was a travesty.
But I played along. I played along, I pretended everything was fine, my children were frightened and I was devastated, and I still just followed that forsaken script.
If I may warn you one final time... don't EVER do that to me again. Please. If there is something I hold dear, something I revere, something I find incredibly important... do NOT try to emulate or copy or re-enact it. That does nothing but take the original thing, the vital thing, and deface it. You have desecrated it.
I have not been able to work, or sleep, or think, or function as I used to since I returned, because so many of the things I treasured have been massacred.
The worst part is that you didn't even understand. It is because you all hide your emotions? What is that about you, about so many of you out West? Why do you hide what you feel, and chase away sadness with laughter? Why do you mask what is important with a smile instead of being true to yourself? Don't you realize how much harm that is causing?
Why do you pretend nothing is wrong when nothing is right? Why do you sweep the truth under the carpet? Why did I let you change me into that same sort of person? Why am I afraid of standing up to you?
I don't understand.

When I say I am frightened, I do not mean that in the way a child is frightened of a dog, or a doctor, or a haircut. I mean it in the way that one is frightened of a black hole.
It is something I do not understand, no matter how hard I try-- that I may not ever be able to understand, I fully realize-- and it is something that can harm me nonetheless, whether or not it knows.
That is truly frightening. You have hurt me, both of you, without even knowing you were doing so. You cannot understand how it keeps happening, even when I try to explain, and the entire time you are still pulling me in, destroying one piece of me at a time, until I am left with nothing, and resign to being a dim shadow of you. Then you smile because that is fine.
It is not fine. I may pretend it is fine, but only to spare your feelings, which I know you are hiding as we speak. I do not hold this against you, as it is not your fault, but it is still tearing me apart.
Do you see why I left? Why I cannot go back?
I cannot live my own life when I feel I am supposed to live according to yours.
I am trying to remove all negative influences from my life, whether they see their influences as negative or not. I am sorry if I offend but it must be done.

Yet at the end of the day I keep handing out second chances.
Am I a good person in any respect? Is retrying beneficial when it only places us both in a position to be deeply damaged?

I was right to come home, and you were wrong to keep me. I realize that now.
You are better off on your own, you say, and I am happy for that. But then why did you want me to stay? Did you even know?
I have made great progress out here, regardless of suffering.
Did you know I spoke to a priest about your demand? How you wanted me to stay, lest I regret my decision for eternity? He told me to do what I felt was right.
The world is in shades of grey, they say, and although there are blacks and whites, my decision was not one of them. I felt I should return to my family. Was that wrong?
I don't regret it, no, but I don't understand how you made the decision so life-and-death, so black and white. If I was right after all, then how could you have been wrong, if you were so sure? Did you get a detail wrong? Did you apply it wrong? I can't help but feel we missed something. You wanted me to stay, but why? Did you ever have a reason why?
Faith is vital, but reason is vital as well, and there should never be conflict between the two. Reason without faith cannot stand, but neither can faith without reason.

Why am I so paranoid?
Why do I read words from around the world, from all walks of life, and assume they are all accusing me?
I hear songs and watch films and they all glare into my white eyes, pointing a damning finger at my aching ribs. You are at fault. You have done wrong.
Have I? What have I done? If I knew, maybe I could change things, but I never know. I find blame in situations I have never been involved in.
When did I ever say I was 'above' others? Is it how I present myself? Is it in the words I speak?
If I speak out against the misdoings of another, it is not because I feel superior-- it is so I can warn others, that they may not suffer through the pain such actions will cause.
If I speak out against things I have been damaged by, it is not because they are below me-- it is because I know how they hurt, and I want to protect others from them.
If anything, I am one of the very worst. I consider myself one of the lowest sinners, and even then I hate myself for saying so. How does that place me above the saints? How could one possibly interpret it as such?
I have done terrible things, and I have not done wonderful things, and I drown in my agony. The past cannot be changed, but why did I have to be so foolish? Could not I have made a better past?
I try to be a righteous person, but I do not exalt myself for this. If anything, I shoot myself down, for my efforts are not nearly good enough.
When I see someone who is perceived as righteous, I do not put them down, nor do I put myself above them. I simply worry if there is faith to their reason and reason to their faith. Do they understand the rules and concepts they are living by? I worry about them is all. I want to help them if they need help, although I freely admit I am nowhere near a good role model. I simply want to help. How is that exalting myself?
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
In a way that's a good thing.


I feel that maybe I can get some work done today, with getting my notes for Dream World solidified into the actual chapter. I have, what, 130 pages of unstructured dialogue and location points and concepts to fix? It's a ton of work; it's my life's work, and I love it more than anything else in this world.
I judge material possessions by whether or not you'd take them with you, instantly, if your house were burning to the ground. Would I go for the books and CDs and childhood toys that my mother seemed to think were so important? No, I would grab the box under this very desk, with my old art tablets full of monsters, and put my flash drive around my neck if she wasn't already there. That's all I would need, in terms of 'material' things, if the house was burning. It's what matters.
It's odd, though, and beautiful, how I look back on what I've been blessed with that so many others have looked down on. As a young child I met Cobra, and Fans, and Unisalia, and Zimbo... 'imaginary friends,' everyone else called them, but they didn't understand, and that saddened me. How could I explain to them what it was like, to lay down to sleep and watch them sing for me? To be walking outside and talking to whoever decided to accompany me? How could I help the world see the beauty and inspiration those friends gave me?
I grew older, just a little older, and Preludove came into my life. She is, I have no doubt in my mind, a gift from God. Who better to send me than Peace herself? I had no friends as a child, other than the ones 'in my head,' but they meant the world to me. They taught me so much... while my grandmother tried to teach me her religion through tales of fire and brimstone and prejudice and withheld forgiveness, Preludove helped me realize that it was the Light that really mattered. Virtue was what life was based upon, she said. You have to be kind, and loving, and hopeful, and righteous. You have to be peaceful and joyful and courageous and true, and you must always hold on to those things, no matter what. Keep a light in your mind and a light in your heart, and don't ever, ever hate anything.
I met Hosea and Volt and Genesis and so many others as the years continued on, and to my surprise, they all seemed to be exactly who I needed in my life, even if I didn't realize it for several more years. Who would I be today if not for them? I can never forget them, and I will never take them for granted.
...And I cannot keep them to myself.
I am scared, sure, because I have seen them hurt before, and few other things in my life have ever been so painful.
Where there is great light, the shadows are deep.
The darkness, the negative things in this world, will always seek out the brighter and positive things, hoping to corrupt them, to blacken them. It's how the world works. What could ever be truly good if there was no knowledge of the bad to balance it against? It's painful, and it's difficult, but in the end, to overcome those shadows is the greatest achievement you can ever have.
I suppose I simply need to take that chance myself, because this is the greatest light I can think of. There will be darkness, I know that. There will be obstacles. Yet there will also be moments that will make it all worthwhile, and if I finally have that chance to show others the beauty my own life has been blessed with, I would be a fool to let it pass me by.
I need to overcome my fear.


I suppose I should close up for now. I have far too much work to complete to spend my time on here, no matter how much I like typing about whatever comes to my head.
I'll try to update more often.
Until then, keep on keeping on.








There are many ways
But you have to choose yours
To know what you want
And what you’re gonna do

Take your decision soon
Life won´t wait for you
If you waste time
Your chance will pass away

Don’t lose your track
Don’t let you be gone
Don’t lose your light
It can’t go out

Choose your side
Choose your way
Don’t let them hinder you
Choose your side
Choose your pain
But never stop trying
Choose your side

If you wanna be free
If you wanna fly
Make your route
And don’t let them conduct you

Never lose yourself away
Never give up
Go ahead
You’re strong

One day you’ll have wings and will fly
Go ahead with strong steps
Your time will come


 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE GENESIS APOLYMIS







They say I have not been blessed with truth. They say I'm blind.

Are you sure you're ready to talk just now?

I have to. I know I've been putting this off, because I'm scared and confused, but what if they're right? What if I really am stupid and misguided? What if they really do hold all the answers and I'm too inept to see that?

Just-- just forget that mess for one second. Are you stable enough to talk about all this yet? Or do you need time to think it over?

What do you mean?

Well geez, considering what you've just read, I'd say you're probably in a whole lot of emotional pain. If we're going to try and fix this, you need to be able to see clearly, and not be all fuzzed-up by that trauma.

There's the blindness again.

You know what? Let me read that bloody entry. Where is it?

Where's Josephina?

He's not allowed in here until I'm sure you're ready for it. Same with the blue guy. Now let me see those words.

...Am I really that misled?

Ssh. I need to concentrate.

Okay.

...Why are they so bloody bent on keeping you here?

Beats me. But they act as if it's a direct law from God, that if I go back to my brokenhearted family, who I miss terribly, that I'll just be admitting to my own sinfulness or something.

That's messed up.

But what if they're right?

About you staying down here in Mormon country? Listen, kid, I know you care about these people and all, but you can't be killing yourself for it. Heck, you remember what you heard on the radio last night! You need to have some genuine respect for yourself in order to help ANYONE else. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I could've sworn we've been over that point countless times over the past four years, if not more.

I know. I know. Just... let me finish looking this over...

And seriously, who says you're waiting? What the heck else can you do?

Wait, what?

You don't have transportation, connections, or a roof over your head. But you're not just waiting! I've been watching you. I've been watching your conversations with your parents and brothers and friends, your searches for plane tickets, your obsessive brokenhearted planning straight into the night, worrying over what to do next in your life. Just because you're not wandering the streets like a shortsighted bum, looking for a job to support a nonexistent career, doesn't mean you're bloody waiting.

I know.

Sheesh. I need to talk to this kid.

I know...

Buuuut they won't let me.

I know.

You know a heck of a lot, don't you? Then why don't you ever act on it?

I doubt myself too much. This is proof.

This kid out west? Yeah, I'd sure say so.

Where's Josephina and Chaos?

Waiting. I won't let them join in until you finish assessing that yellow entry and figure out just what we need to talk about. Also this is some really great music you're listening to. Who is it?

Masashi Hamauzu. Final Fantasy XIII OST. "Dust to Dust." 12 plays since this afternoon.

Nice. Uncannily fitting, too. But then again coincidences don't exist around you.

Yeah...

So, you finished yet?

No, give me a minute...

Oh, I get it.

What?

They think you "don't have the Holy Ghost" because you're not Mormon. What the heck.

Yeah. I'm losing sleep over it.

No kidding. Geez. I am... I am really, really upset about this. Understatement of the year.

We both are.

We all are.

Hey hey hey, we're not ready for you yet!

Why the heck not? My kid needs support!

Yeah, but he also needs to figure out what he needs support for. That requires finishing reading the update, and so far we just keep distracting him. You're really not going to help in that department.

Maybe not, but I'm not leaving. Jo, get in here.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. J's going to finish reading that in a minute and we're all going to settle this mess once and for all.

I doubt it'll be that easy.

...I know. I know, all right? I just... I just wish it were. This is getting far too painful for us already.

Tell me about it.

...Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.

Aaand what of that are you not doing?

Apparently all of it.

That's blind nonsense. Someone needs to get their facts straight.

And what if it's me?

Look, kid, you need to STOP doubting your heart, okay? That's the reason you keep getting Julie hacked and taking the wrong paths! You won't listen to what you KNOW you have to do.

But... but they--

But they keep saying the exact opposite, I know. Well you know what? Forget that. Yeah, they mean well, but they have their own life to live, and they can't be projecting it on you. You need to go back to your family, help them get back together, and get back on your feet where you actually have a floor to stand on.

Are you sure?

Completely sure, and you know it. What about you two?

I'm sure. I know I don't know you very well yet, but I've seen the pain you're in, and it really breaks my heart. I can't see how being here is going to help...

Same. Jewel, I know it's probably going to sound stupid to you, but for love's sake, I just want you to be happy again.

Happy with who I am.

Yeah. It's been too long. Far too long.

...

See what I mean? Does that kid know any of this?

Any of what?

Any of your side of the story?

Well, yeah, you remember the other night. And they read glissando so that updated them.

But they didn't check the lamps.

They don't know about the lamps. Neither of them do. That's not meant for them yet.

But it says exactly why the heck you're so stressed out over here! Don't you think they should know that too?

...

You're afraid.

I am.

Because you were honest?

Why are you so scared to be honest?

I... I'm still afraid of offending others, of being a negative force on them.

Kid, forget that already. You want spiritual proof? The Bible says to 'rejoice' if you gain enemies from doing the right thing. You can't forfeit a righteous life just because you want everyone to 'love' you. I appreciate your innocence, but it's not right to let yourself be abused and manipulated just because you think the entire world has a white heart. It doesn't, and if you think it's going to love someone who does, even if only up here, then think again.

...

Jewel, please.

What do I do?

Be you. That's it.

But is that right?

Why wouldn't it be?

Think about it, kid. When exactly was the last time you were really 'you?' How did that work out?

...Better than I could have ever imagined.

And now that you're twisting and breaking yourself to fit what 'society' wants?

Worse. So much worse...

See, kid, this is what we're trying to get through your head. Whether or not your yellow-bright friend thinks so, you've been blessed with a heck of a lot, and we know it. I mean, come on, we ARE it. You need to take that and run with it, because you have what it takes to get through. If Mel forgets that, they can just ask their father what his blessing to you included! Didn't they recommend that? Didn't the answers already sync with what you've known all your life? And now they're telling you that you're a-- a godless blind man?? They're the ones who can't see here!

Laurie, I know, but please, let's just discuss this together, okay?

Why is it so bloody hard for you to accept the truth?

Because so many people are telling me so many different things, and they all claim they are 100% infallible.

Hey, I'm not faultless. I'll be the first person to admit that. But I know you, kid. I know you, and I think that's worth something. Heck, Chaos knows you better than I ever will, and I bet you my life's wages that if you ask him the same questions, you'll get the same answers that I gave you, if not better ones.

...

Chaos, do you believe in me?

Of course I do. I always did.

Then why doesn't anyone else? Why don't I?

I don't know.

I'm so sorry, love. I never meant to be such a mess.

It's... it's not... don't worry about it. I'd rather have this mess than a painless life. Jewel, think of what we've been through. Look at what we've done. Would you trade this for absolute certainty and worldly peace?

No.

Geez, what's up with the flowery language?

I'm being clear. Not my fault if my clarity translates into flowers. My point is, the world thinks peace is a lack of pain and conflict and struggle. It's not.

Sometimes you need that to get there.

Exactly.

But not bloodshed and hatred...

I know. That's why you can't run by the laws of the world. The ridiculous majority of it is deluded in that way. You see for yourself how many kids online wish they had carefree, sunshine-and-rainbows lives. And then you spend hours crying over it, because you wish you could let them see what you see, those paradoxes you love so desperately, and the deeper beauty they hold... but you're too afraid of turning them away from it, by showing them the scars that brought you there. You're too afraid of hurting them.

And that's why he's afraid to stand up for himself...

Now you're getting it.

Told you you knew him better than I did.

Guys, give me one second to think this over again, okay?

Take all the time in the world, Jewel.

Well we can't have that, then there won't be any left to talk in.

It's a figure of speech, Laur. Geez. I meant he doesn't have to feel rushed.

I know. Just teasin' ya. We can't be miserable as old men in here all the time.

Will you take a leap of faith?

Jo, you haven't even seen that movie yet.

...

No, but I noticed that line's been bugging Jewel for a while. Why?

Because it's what Mel wants me to do. To "take a leap of faith... or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone..."

Geez, I foreshadowed that without even realizing it.

You can't take it out of context though, Jewel.

Can I?

Well hey, for one, you'll never die alone. Take Dan Nigro right out of context too, while you're at it.

And anywhere you might wander, you can make that your home...

Cause when you have love in your heart, you'll never be alone!

Yes, as long as you have love in your heart, you'll never be alone. I like that song.

It also talks about burning bridges and leaving your old life behind, though...

But look at what precedes it! "They'll show you their castles and diamonds forth to see, but they'll never show you peace of mind, because they don't know how to be free!" Isn't that what Johnny told you back when you were sobbing in that parking lot? Isn't that what we JUST said about five minutes ago?

...

See, kid, we're on the right path here. Don't panic. If you gotta pray again then go ahead.

But they keep making me question my answers.

Wait, what?

I get one answer and I'm afraid it's not right, so I try again until I get a different one, even if it's forced. And that's just wrong. It's horribly, absolutely wrong... but I've become so unsure of myself, that--

Stop being so unsure! Why are you so doubtful?

I told you why... but... I suppose it's not a very good reason.

No, it's not. Hey, think about what happened last night, okay? How you were almost hacked?

Again??

Don't sound so heartbroken, geez; you know this happens all the time.

But...

Every time that happens, your first instinct is to chase her out. To stand up for who you are. And that's a righteous drive, because the next instinct tells you to let her stay and abuse you, because 'society says it's natural' and 'it's the right thing to do!' And then you get images of Mel's face on the walls and you start sobbing because you're not sure who's the lost one anymore.

Jo, please. Stop. Stop it.

I can't. You need to hear this.

I... I need to go back home.

Thatta boy!

Jewel, why'd you even come back out here in the first place?

It was an immature decision. I didn't think it through all the way. Mel said I 'needed to be with them,' so I used that as an unquestionable ultimatum against everyone who wanted me to think over my decision... even myself. I ruled out my own reasoning because apparently, their inexplicable demand held the utmost integrity and denying it would damn me.

Why?

I don't know. Because they needed me. I had no other options, or so I thought.

See, that's your problem.

Yeah, and I wish I had realized it then. I pretty much forced myself back into Utah, cleverly covering up all my doubts and pain with a mask of happiness, going so far as to condition myself into a totally different person whenever I spoke to them. And when I look back on it I realize it's exactly what I did to Q.

Molding yourself to fit their demands, realizing you're rotting on the inside, and then silently fighting it until the pressure becomes too great and you explode in a surge of pain towards everyone who's involved.

Geez, that's scarily accurate.

I know. I was his sole confidant during that time, remember. Well, at least as far as that issue went...

So I made myself think everything would be just perfect if I came out here without so much as a solid motivation, and boy was I wrong.

You realized it at the farm, you jerk. You just kept thinking 'Dori Dori Dori,' and wishing you were with her, and wishing you were at home.

Who's Dori?

A girl he loves terribly, despite her own troubles in life. One of the few people he's able to accept unconditionally, regardless of the pain.

Wait, so Mel isn't?

Mel is different. Mel is a friend. Mel is someone who's confusing the heck out of you right about now. Mel is someone you can't understand. Heck, they've been labeled as a threat too, last I heard!

But... but I don't understand Dori either... and she doesn't want anything to do with me, let alone confuse me through conversations...

But you love her.

...I know. I know.

And that's the big difference.

...

So you don't love Mel? But I--

I do, I do love them, but not... not like that. I can't choose or force that, ever. I don't even understand why.

It's distant and it's unconditional. You've known her long enough to feel like that. If Mel had given you more time, maybe things would have worked out differently. But no, they gave you the vaguest idea of who they were before you met, so your preconceived notion-- the image of Mel that you actually loved-- was just a facade, just something you imagined, and once the real person started showing through you were terrified.

And that wouldn't happen with Dori?

No. You're too deeply attached. You know her too well, through her own words. Even if she triggered you, you couldn't hate her. Not after all that. You couldn't even dislike her. The only reason you're so confused right now is because Mel is making you question the love you feel for everybody.

Wait, what?? How?

Q. And her own notions.

...Oh.

What do you mean?

Mel's idea of 'love' is in direct and caustic conflict with Jewel's, and it's causing a ton of paranoia, pain, and panic in our boy here. So much that he's beginning to pull that bloody doubt routine and wonder if they're really right.

Jewel, they're not.

What?

Ohoho, snap! Where'd that come from?

They're not right. I... I know what Jewel's definition of love is. I've freaking lived in it for the past seven years. I may not know a lot about Mel, but if the few things I've heard are true, then I'd say there's more than enough reason to just throw their notion concerning you aside and stick to what you have.

Why? What are their notions?

Well for one, they admittedly have a working sex drive.

...Oh. Ew.

Pfahaha! Rubbing off on you, huh?

And secondly, there's the fact that they doubt their emotions in this matter so much.

They doubt their own love?

As far as I can tell, yeah.

Jewel only does that because of other people's opinions... he thinks that maybe someone else knows the 'truth' on the matter, and that he's been misinformed. So out of fear, he overrides what he knows to be true in his heart. It hurts.

Even worse, it makes me absolutely furious.

Jewel, why do you do that?

I just... I want to be a good person. I don't want to be wrong about something that important.

And who says you aren't a good person? How could honest love ever be wrong? And other than that, who cares if you're wrong once in a while? You're not choosing to be! You'd never do something inherently bad enough to be damnably wrong! If anything, you simply picked the wrong right option.

Hey hey hey, elaborate on that. I'm intrigued.

Come on, you know what I'm talking about.

Maybe, but I want your side of it.

...You know how Jewel obsesses over his decisions. How he compares every decision against what he knows to be truly wrong and truly right. He'd never flat-out choose an option that was unmistakably bad. If he makes a 'mistake,' like I know he hates to do, it's simply because he couldn't find a better option.

Or because I was too scared to pick the best one.

Which may have seemed 'wrong' in someone else's eyes anyway. It's all a twisted subjective mess, kid. You need to do what's objectively right. And you know what that is, deep down in your heart.

She's right, you know.

...

And don't you dare ask 'how do I know if it's really right?' If you're that bloody unsure, go talk to God. There's your objective Truth. Go flip through that Holy Book a few more times. You already know what it's going to say. Heck, you can even go right up and talk to Preludove or Hosea about it!

Love is the only thing that's worth anything.

Right. And all virtue comes from it.

Exactly what you've been living since you were a kid....

You see what we mean? The answers are right there! They were given to you years ago! Whoever says you're not blessed needs to take a much better look at your life, kid.

...But that's not what's bothering me the most.

It's not?

Then what is?

...They're turning what should be a simple, painless decision into a moral quandary.

Staying with them versus going home?

Yeah.

And did you tell them how broken your family feels without you there? How much they miss you?

...Mel thinks they're evil.

The heck?? Who the blood gave them the right to judge your family that way??

Well, they don't exactly love their own family, so they might be projecting.

Well yeah, that explains a lot.

But they don't even know your family?

I... they know what I used to type up on my bad days. In the blue journal. The days when my family would kind of... explode.

Fair enough, but everyone's family has problems! You can't expect perfection! Heck, I don't think we even want it!

We don't. Not here, anyway.

Because it's a social construct!

Whoa, dude! Where'd you come from?

I'm really worried too. I want to help.

Oh man... thank you, thank you so much...

Anytime, Jewel. I love you.

...I know. I know. I love you just as much..

And you're thinking this is wrong?

No, no! There's nothing wrong about this! That's why I'm so torn apart! Why are they treating this as some sort of travesty?

What, us??

No, sweetheart, not us... compassion. The compassion and love I feel for my own family, despite their flaws. Despite the rough days and hard nights, there is so much light in that family, and so help me but isn't that in her very religion?? Isn't that what a family should be? I mean, sure, we're not perfect-- my parents are divorced, my grandparents can be way too judgmental, and my brothers don't do much besides play video games nowadays-- but so help me, I love them all more than I can say, and who knows? Maybe with my being there with them again, I can help them ALL get back on their feet, not just myself! For all I know, all those troubles could just be the result of sadness, of being lost, just like I am, just like Viral is. I can't leave them alone knowing I can do something for them. I don't know if Mel is projecting their own dislike of their family, God knows why, onto mine, but so help me I'm not going to let that deter me. Why do they think it will be so horrible to go back to them?

Because you said it yourself; they don't know what the heck they're talking about.

Not with my family, no, but they're pretty dead-set that God wants me in Utah.

Why?

That's what I want to know. I just... I can't know, not for sure, and as far as I've been told, God wants me to do the right thing... and right now, I feel the right thing is going back home. But I can't be sure, not in any provable or tangible way, and that tears me apart.

Is there even a right or wrong in this situation?

Apparently there is.

But why can't we go home?

...Because Mel needs me here, they say. No... actually, they say someone else needs me here.

Someone else? Who?

I don't know. They just said that-- I think-- there's 'no one to reach in PA,' because the person I 'need to reach' is here in Utah. What bothers me about that is not only the exclusivity of it, but the fact that it says I will 'reach' them. How?

Through your work?

I don't have the means to do my work down here, that's the problem. And the pain from this situation, plus my fear to be myself around them and Q, is keeping me from being the person I need to be to help others anyway.

I just don't understand why they think you can't reach anyone in Pennsylvania.

That's what bugs me too, yeah.

And there's no way you can stay another few days to clear this up with them?

Believe me, love, if I could, I would-- but wait, I thought you wanted me home too?

I do. But I don't want this turning into an all-out war just because Mel insists you stay.

Oh.

What do you mean 'if you could, you would?' You kinda have to right now, don't you?

Yeah, but paradoxically, I can't stay here. You've seen me lately-- I've been sick, I've been weak, I've been sleeping away the days out of pure sorrow and stress-- heck, I'm even malnourished and broke as a hobo. Mel says I need to get a job or things won't improve, but geez, if I don't have the transportation, let alone the clothes and the emotional stability, that's really not going to help anyone very much.

True.

So they want you to stay but you really can't. Not reasonably anyway.

That's basically it, yeah. It just upsets me because that line from Inception is all I can think of...and I don't even know which way it runs.

What do you mean?

Taking that leap of faith... does that mean staying here and waiting to reach some random individual who I don't even have the current means to influence, or does that mean buying the plane tickets and going home to a dysfunctional family who I still love enough to believe I can save them, and start a new life for myself?

Either way, you're not going to die alone.

And I strongly doubt you're going to have regrets, too.

Or be old.

Haha, true... but...

But what?

...I will die full of regrets if I don't stop mincing around, waiting for instructions on how to live my life, instead of just opening my heart and being the person I was born to be.

You mean Cesarean-sectioned. And pretty darn premature too, you freak.

Heh, that too. But you get the point.

That's why I'm here, okay? You want blessings, well here's one with scene hair! I want to help you more than anything, Jewel, but I can only do so much if you won't listen to me.

Exactly. Geez, boy, you're learning fast!

I'm still confused on what we're supposed to do now.

I think we're all are, and we shouldn't be, if not for the variable we have to deal with.

Mel?

Eeeyep.

Wait wait wait. Wait.

What? What happened?

At the end of their entry. "Whatever it is you are going to do will help them become what they need to be to carry out God's work." And then, in the same breath, "It's going to happen anyway, with or without you."

What the heck.

And then they say that if I go home, I won't be able to live with myself for the rest of eternity.

Geez, that's a little harsh, isn't it?

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I think that if my grandparents died and my brother committed suicide while I was idling out here in Utah, THEN I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

And I daresay those are both much more likely to happen than the contrary...

That's why I'm so scared. I need to be there for them; it feels so wrong to be out here. But I am scared to death of Mel's "prophecy" coming true, and leaving me in an inescapable moral hell for the rest of my life.

I can see why you're so confused, love.

Yeah, you're not kidding!

So what do we do?

Did they say anything else after that?

They just repeated that they're tired of trying to 'get through to me' and failing, and then added that they can't imagine my 'throwing this away,' that I need to give it a chance no matter what.

Ironically, isn't that kind of how you feel right now concerning their stance?

Except I don't have the gift of the Holy Ghost, remember...

Ouch, that stung.

I am really baffled at all this.

What really scares me, though, is that line. That one I just repeated. Like I'm incapable of receiving divine guidance, when it's been the sole force keeping me breathing on countless nights.

Synchronicity, coincidence, random freaking happenstance, all a clever disguise for the above.

The little interruptions and voices and notes that turn everything around.

The revelations from the most unexpected places.

Exactly. And I don't know about you guys, but lately, they've all been pointing to my going home.

I sense doubt.

What?

Don't give me that. Your eyes. You're still doubting your own words. Why?

...

Jewel, you can't be doing that. You know that.

But... I don't know, Mel just... it sounds paltry.

Spit it out.

...Mel has a Facebook. It's really starting to worry me, what's they're doing.

Like what? Does it concern you?

Yeah.

Elaborate, kid. Come on.

...Liking a page called "I know you're my best friend, but sometimes I just want to slap you across the face."

Ouch, again.

Why would you do that to a friend??

I don't know. Maybe it's something I'm 'missing,' but I can't be subscribing to that part of the world anymore.

Was there anything else?

Yeah, this morning... they liked a quote on Q's sister's page. It really scared me. Really, really scared me.

How'd it go?

"And oftentimes, to win us to our harm, the instruments of darkness tell us truths, win us with honest trifles, to betray us in deepest consequence." It's Shakespeare.

Freakin' Shakespeare.

That seems... well, I can see why it scared you.

But it goes both ways, doesn't it?

That's what scares me! There's no guarantee here, nothing but their indomitable belief that they have been inspired by God, and my own heart has been misled into some lake of pitch or something! It really hurts, guys. I've never felt so lost.

I can name a few occasions.

Not like this one, Laurie. This is a situation I have never, ever been in before. Remember I've been sheltered most of my life. I've been kept from dangers like this. Now that I have to face them, and now that I'm being told that I've been 'wrong' all along, I am basically terrified out of my skull.

I told you the world sucks.

That's why he needs to change it.

And this other kid insists he needs to be in this state to do so. Don't you get it? Nothing here makes any sense, not the things that should, and instead of helping anyone, all it's doing is confusing the sanity out of the people who CAN make a difference and do some good. It's a self-defeating prophecy or something equally asinine like that. I just-- geez. I can't take much more of this. Where is Mel?

Uh... why?

I want to talk to them. I want to freaking talk to them, right now.

Laurie, you wouldn't even let Jewel talk to us when he was as emotionally riled up as you are right now.

That was doubt. That was fear and sadness and guilt. This is righteous bleeding anger. I refuse to stand by and watch this play out any further.

I appreciate that, love, but I don't think they'd take to well to it...

Come on, kid, they're not taking very well to you right now, are they??

That's... I know. But they'd write you off as a demon or something, knowing them. They'd call you just another one of my flaws. An 'instrument of darkness.' A liar.

Just like Q did, huh? Because they're too blind to look past the surface of things and see what they actually are?

Maybe they're just scared off by your attitude, dear.

Oh, you shut up too.

Wait, they think Laurie's evil? Why?

Because I used to abuse him. You know that.

That doesn't mean you're evil though.

Not according to them. Heck, who am I kidding? I don't even know if that's their reason for judging me!

It's probably a major factor, though.

Pf. Like I care. They're just like that bloody therapist we had to put up with back in '08. Thinking she could lay out the perfect roadmap for your life judging on some random info she picked up within 20 minutes. Nice freakin' job.

Mel's known you longer than 20 minutes, though...?

Yeah, but not bloody well long enough. I've been around 4 years, and we're still trying to overcome problems that surfaced that long ago, because we still aren't sure of the bases and new triggers keep showing up! For heavens sakes, Chaos has been around for 7 years, Prelude's been around for almost 13, and J's been living the whole two decades with or without us, and there's still stuff we don't know! We can't know it yet, because we don't have the means or the knowledge or the wisdom or the light. It's simply a matter of right place, right time. And I really think that applies to this.

How so?

Mel doesn't know anything that's been going on-- not in the entirety of truth, anyway. And they can't know, just like us... just like we don't know if they're right or not, simply because we CAN'T.

But how is that the right place, right time?

It's not. I meant that in applying to learning what we need to know. Maybe this isn't the right time to be here in Utah? Maybe Mel's jumping on this too bloody early?? I mean, seriously, even I wouldn't throw the kid halfway across the country without a job or a home for the sake of some random drive of mine!

You come close.

Hah, maybe in different ways, and those ways are actually reasonable. They're mental. Emotional. They're things you have to accomplish. And I back them the heck up! I don't see anything behind this decision of theirs.

I told you, they say it's divine decree.

Uh-oh, Razia's Shadow.

And what's more than divine decree, tell me?

Destiny.

To reunite this world's divided halves, fulfill their history..

Exactly. God put you here for a bloody good reason, and I'd say that takes precedence. You're not doing anyone any good out here. Not now. Not yet.

So are you saying we should go home and then come back?

It's the only logical choice I can think up, geez. If Mel says it's God's will that you be here, but if God is telling you to go back and support your family, then go back. God speaks to your heart according to your life. You know that.

I love how you're so bizarrely split between this ridiculous wisdom and the harshest language I've ever heard from a prophet.

I'm no prophet, boy. I'm just a messenger. Just a blessing, so to speak.

So... wait, wait. Doubt.

Again? Why?

Wait, I know. Shoot. I get this now. Holy fish.

What, what happened?

The feeling that's trying to get me to stay. It's not guilt. It's selfishness.

Seriously? Why?

Think about it. This situation is poisoning me. I'm only here so I can share my ideas-- like Mel wants me to do-- but I'm going about it wrong. I'm only showing it off. I'm not making progress. And, as I'm sure we all know, my attacks have been getting worse the longer I stay.

So... some sort of dark instinct is telling you to stay because it allows you to be praised for your work?

Yeah. It's a vanity-feed. I need out.

I get it, haha! Man, that makes a lot of sense now.

Can you explain? I'm a bit new, so...

Jewel wants nothing more out of life than to use his inspirations and gifts to better the world, right? But he's not doing that here-- he's simply showing plans to people and basking in the positive feedback. Like a bloody hedonist.

Exactly. Out.

Wait, we're not done. The biggest problem here is that, as long as he's allowing himself to be blinded by that shallow appreciation, he's allowing his life's work to be twisted and maimed according to the whims of everyone who has a part in that praise. It's a fatal circle.

Which explains why I isolate myself in coffeeshops to do my work.

Right. It's from your heart and yours alone. All the outside corruption we've been getting is screwing everyone up royal. I've seen what it's done to your Links. You remember the last time this happened?

...Yeah...

I don't want that ever happening again. You won't be able to survive it this time. You have no safety net, no stability barrier. If the angels let you go, you're going to fall right into that pit of hell you've been warned of for so long.

I know.

And that hell is the world without your light in it.

...

You remember what we said about the stars, kid.

Without even one...

...The sky is a little darker.

Well then, I'd say we have this actually settled out pretty nicely.

I hope so.

So... we're going home?

Yeah. I have to be there for my family.

But what about Mel and Q?

Are you kidding? The kid's been nothing but a third wheel to them since he arrived. Every single morning after they spend the night doing God knows what, he gets nothing but slumped shoulders and 'I'm sorry's and regrets that he was even brought out here. Every single time! So why the heck do they want him to stay? As a safety blanket? A comfort object? Some sort of cushion against the loneliness they're going to feel when he's gone? I don't agree with any of those options, y'know. My kid is no one's toy. He has a job to do.

So... we are going home then.

I guess so. I mean, I really... I really don't... when it gets down to the bones of things, I don't feel safe here. I don't feel right. I feel like... like a shadow, or a stain, or some sort of black wraith. Something unwanted and... a mistake.

Basically, my exact argument. You buy those plane tickets.

But I'm still afraid of how it's going to affect them. I may not understand a word they say to me anymore, I may not understand their motives or thoughts or sights or anything... but God help me, I'm too naive not to still care. I still care about them, and whether or not Mel feels what they do, I can't forget the fact that they specifically asked me to stay. I'm afraid that leaving them is going to hurt. Or something.

Q didn't care when he left you.

Laurie, that was different. He couldn't deal with my problems anymore.

And how is that different from right now? You're slipping right back into that stage, boy. You're slipping right back into hiding the truth because you're 'afraid it will hurt,' and when it gets out, guess what? It bloody well DOES. And then they leave, and then they tell you to leave, because they can't deal with you anymore.

I don't get it.

Don't get what? The situation? Or how they do it?

Both.

Well, you never did. I'm not sure if you ever should. There are some parts of your head I'd like to keep white.

Same.

Jewel, I'm kinda scared about all this.

You and me both, love... I wish I knew what to say. I really do. I'm so sorry you got caught up in this.

No no no, I'm not scared of that. If you're caught up in this then I'll get caught too. We promised.

...I know. But...

But I'm scared because I don't know how it will turn out. That doesn't mean I want to run.

Same here. I'm not moving an inch from this spot, so to speak.

Haha, join the club!

I guess that means I'm in too, newbie or not.

Of course you're in, Jo. I need you here.

Aw... thank you. Thank you, really.

So, uh, plans?

For what?

For the rest of the night, geez. It's 10:30 in the freakin' evening; if I'm not mistaken, Q's going to be walking thr-- well hey. Speak of the shadow.

That's my line..

Shut up, I can see you shaking. Don't you dare stop channeling this. I have stuff to say yet.

...

Hey, uh, isn't that going to cause problems though?

Like what?

Like... well, when he last spoke to Mel.

Aha, no. No, that time we forced him into idle. This time we're up and running. Heck of a lot more painful, but better than shutting down in front of a computer screen at some ungodly hour.

But...

But what? What do you do? You keep talking. You finish this up, you either get some fitful sleep or stay up and think, and tomorrow you settle this disaster out like the man you want to be. I'm tired of watching you walk in circles and sob about how helpless you feel about all this. Come on, kid, if you don't get up and DO something about it then nothing is going to happen no matter how hard you wish, capisce?

All right.

I don't want a bloody 'all right,' I want action.

...I can't do that yet. Not this second.

I didn't ask for right this second. I asked for you to keep that in mind and carry it out the first chance you get. That's it.

I know.

And I know that you know, kid. You're just too bloody afraid to do it half the time.

You do know why, though. We've been over this.

Over what? Which reason? The reason for not standing up for his beliefs, or the reason for not doing half the shit he says he will?

Both.

Yeah, and what about it?

We don't exactly have access to one of those options right now. Actually, judging by the way the past two months have been going, I'm starting to doubt we even have access to the other.

I don't care if there's something in the way. We're going to push right through it. That's what we're doing right now, aren't we? The reason your boy's too afraid to speak up is because he's afraid of hurting the world. Well a bleeding heart can only go so far before it dies from the lack of life, you know, and we're getting pretty bleeding close right about now.

...I know. Just... it's a fragile situation. I can see that, and I know you can too. Just stop being so harsh about it.

Why? You're not afraid to get harsh when something rubs you the wrong way, so why condemn me for it?

Because... it feels like you're blowing them off. Like you're tossing them aside.

Well newsflash to you, greeneyes, I kind of am. That's not what matters here.

It matters to Jewel.

Every freaking thing matters to Jewel, that's the problem here! He can't see straight because he's too frantically focused on every other detail that doesn't matter in the big picture. Kind of relevant to the kid's art grades too, haha.

Hey, that wasn't the reason. I was there.

I'm just joking around, geez. But the point still carries true. We're not focusing on what's important here if we keep tossing around the irrelevant details. I can't speak for the rest of you, but right now the only thing that matters on my watch is whether or not my boy can even freaking function. That's not what's happening right now.

I... I don't know if I'll be able to function back home, either.

Why?

I, well, I don't know...

You're afraid of offending your grandparents. I know this, kid, we've been over it a thousand times.

That's only one factor. The other is-

The other is that accursed college and the job you had to quit because it was giving you trigger bombs every five minutes, yeah. And you think you'll be free of that in any other state? I thought that rejection letter would have opened your eyes.

...

Laurie, come on. He's not in a very stable state right now..

And?

And... I'm scared that if you push him too far, we're going to have a catastrophe on our hands.

Oh, I can handle a meltdown. I've put up with 'em before.

I can't.

Well, learn to handle it.

I'd rather not.

Guys, please, stop fighting. There's no reason to fight.

There bloody well is! I'm not getting off this laptop until we figure out a solid plan of action for the next week.

I thought it involved buying plane tickets and visiting his dad's apartment?

Well, it did. But you see, Jo, Jewel's still none too keen on buying said tickets.

Why not?

My question exactly.

Because they want me to stay.

And you don't want to.

And I've been told that I'm wrong.

And I don't care what you were told.

Guys, please, stop it!

...

If you won't talk to them, I will.

Laurie, please, don't.

Why not? Last time I spoke with Mel, it went down pretty smoothly.

That wasn't like this. This is different.

Can I talk to them, then?

You just want to talk, haha!

Can I though?

Sorry, but no.

Why not? I'm trying to fix this situation too!

Yeah, but you've only been around for a month, tops. I've been around for years. That blue guy over there has seniority over all of us, but he won't dare open his mouth around those two.

Forgive me for trying to be a peacekeeper here.

Hey, stop it with the sarcasm, bud. You're starting to get on my nerves.

That seems to be inevitable.

Please, you two, don't--

Gen, why are you so afraid of fights breaking out in here? Really?

There has to be a better way to do it without all this screaming!

We tried that. It didn't work.

You didn't try anything, Laurie. You've been mad since I came in here.

That was after my plan fell through the freakin' floor.

It still doesn't give you any good reason to be shouting at everyone all the time.

Doesn't it? Well then, Genesis, tell me this. If someone you cared about told Jewel that he was completely lacking in wisdom-- that he didn't know well enough to make his own life decisions-- what would you feel? You'd be pretty hurt, right?

Well, yeah--

Well, my hurt shows itself through shouting. There you go.

...

Gen, don't argue with her. You won't get anywhere.

Hey, don't you start again.

Laurie, please, I just need answers.

And you expect me to hand them to you? Listen, kid, I care about you just as much as the next guy, but if you expect me to get in the line of people you're waiting for instructions from, then you're going to be waiting a heck of a long time for my answer. Why else do you think I dragged Josephina in here? Jo, tell him why you're here.

To keep you from compromising who you are.

Exactly. And what are you doing right now?

Looking for answers...

And who the heck told you that you don't already have the answers?

Mel.

Well shoot. We really are going in circles.

Laurie, maybe we should just call this quits for now?

And give up?

Not give up. Clear our heads. I haven't even been the one shouting and I feel lightheaded.

Huh. Normally I'd jump on that option, but I'm too afraid that 'clearing our heads' is going to result in a certain someone clearing his out-- or putting even more junk in there.

I won't.

You can't guarantee that, boy. I know you.

Then I'll guarantee it.

I thought we were mortal enemies just two minutes ago?

Laurie, give it a break. You know what my responsibility is here, and so help me but I'm going to stand by it.

Your amber-faced friend doesn't seem to happy with how you go about it, though.

Because he and Jewel are the same in that aspect. They don't like unnecessary pain.

Too bad. I happen to specialize in that department.

Laurie...

What? I'm not going to lie about it.

Laurie, you're the liar this time.

Really now? How so?

I can't think of any instances of unnecessary pain from you.

Well, he does.

You're damn right I do.

Heh.

Still... I'm really worn out from this. I think maybe we should close it up, try and get our facts together...

And you promise you won't be a gutless hypocrite and go against everything I just told you?

You also just told me that I can't guarantee anything.

I'm not asking you to guarantee anything, kid. Like I said, I know you. I want a promise.

But isn't that the same as a guarantee?

Not exactly, Jo. You'll learn. This kid is one heck of an anomaly.

I promise, then. The best I can.

Good. Chaos, you watch him for me.

I watch him even when you don't want me to.

Good point. Oh yeah, speaking of... how's Genesis been doing?

What? Me?

You been watching for triggers? Or have you been too scared?

I...

Laurie, DON'T.

Don't what? Don't get him to face his own conscience?

That's not how you go about things. Leave him alone. If anything needs to be dealt with, I'll do it.

Being pretty bloody protective of your sweetheart's BFF, I'd say.

And I'll repeat, I'll be as bloody protective as I need to be.

Suit yourself. If something goes wrong, don't go crying to me.

I won't.

Guys, please. I'm starting to get horribly dizzy.

It's called mental trauma, love. You'll get used to it.

...

Heh, don't you go glaring at me like that.

Please, Laurie.

Fine, fine. But tell me, Jayce. What's next on your agenda?

What?

After you close this up... after you fix up this conversation, what's your next plan of action? Are you going to sleep it off like you always do? Try to escape? Or are you going to face the problem and actually solve it for once? Are you going to go straight to the source and settle this out?

I... I don't...

You're too scared, you dastard. I knew it.

No, no... I have to stop being scared.

That's right you do!

But I don't... I don't think I can manage another draining experience at this hour. I mean, I theoretically could, but then I'd either shut down, melt down, or...

Or lose the steering wheel.

...Yeah. And... and I'm not too comfortable with the idea of letting you at it right now.

How about tomorrow?

Letting you out?

Yeah.

I... we'll see.

Hot dang. I think this might actually work in my favor for once.

Laurie, I swear, if you try anything insane--

Chill out, bro. I've got this.

I'm not joking around.

Neither am I.

Um... I really think we should close up like we said we would. Otherwise we're just going to keep having more arguments...

All right, fine. J, give me your schedule.

For tonight?

For tonight, and the next few days.

I... I don't know that yet...

Don't give me that, boy. We talked about this. The plan is set.

Is it?

What, you're changing your mind now?

No, I just...

Jewel, don't panic.

I'm... okay, okay. I'll try not to.

I'm still waiting for an answer.

...Um... well, I still think I should sleep tonight off, just so I can calm down enough to have a stable conversation...

And then?

...And then we discuss this.

And after that...?

...

Come on kid, we've decided this.

T..tickets.

There you go.

Laurie, I swear, if you didn't mean so much to him I'd punch you a good one right here and now.

And why's that?

You just... your methods. I'm not exactly thrilled with them.

Hey, too bad. They work.

So do mine.

I don't see you acting as his superego, though.

That's because I have a more important position than you do.

Maybe so, but if you don't act on it, you won't do anyone much good.

Laurie, for the love of--

Chaos, please. Stop. I need to sleep.

...

Jewel, are you really okay?

No.

Good, you didn't lie for once! Progress, gentlemen, we're making progress.

Uh, Laurie?

Yeah?

Do I just... what am I doing now?

You're coming with me, that's what, and I'm making sure you understand as much of this situation as you possibly can before tomorrow. You want to talk? Then you're going to need to know what you're talking about.

All right. Sounds good to me. Jewel, I'm sorry if I upset you or anything...

No, you're good. Thanks, Jo.

Hey, it's why I'm here. Try and get some sleep, okay? And please watch out for Julie, because...

...I know. I'll watch.

'Kay. Good night, then.

I do believe that's my curtain call. You lunatics can handle this situation well enough without me, I hope?

I daresay we'll handle it better without you here. Now you said you were leaving?

Heh, only for a little while.

...

Jewel, you can't be letting this keep happening.

What?

This-- this letting everyone toss you around like a rag doll. I know you have that martyr complex and all, but geez, this is getting to be too much.

Yeah, I don't like seeing you do this to yourself either.

I... guys, listen. I know I shouldn't. I know I need to be... well, to make sure I can still function, like Laurie said. But...

But you're too afraid of hurting people, I know. I've been on the other side of that situation a few times.

...I'm so sorry.

Don't apologize to me, Jewel. I don't hold any of it against you. I never did. If there's anyone you need to apologize to, it's yourself.

And maybe Laurie.

I don't care what Laurie thinks, Gen.

Chaos, please, she knows what she's talking about... she's just a little rough about it.

A little? Kid, I don't know what you've been up to lately, but as far as I remember, she doesn't exactly play nice when you're alone with her.

I ask her to do it.

That doesn't mean it doesn't upset me.

...Me too..

Yeah, geez, you can't even handle her shouting. Be glad you haven't seen the stuff I have.

...I've seen worse.

...

I think we've all seen worse things than what Laurie can put me through.

Jewel, please--

--And that's why she's so harsh. Chaos, listen, I know you don't exactly get along with her half the time, but she takes my attacks just as badly as you do. It may not seem like it, but we're all in this together, okay?

...All right. Just promise me something.

Hey, I've already made one tonight, a second should be no problem.

...You remember, a few years ago, when I told you...

Told me what?

...Stay who you are. Please.

For me, too, okay?

...Okay. Okay, I will. I promise you both.

Cross your heart.

Already did.

Good.

Heh... Gen, you really know what you're doing..

Course I do. Now we all need to get sleep.

I really doubt I'll be doing much sleeping after this...

Then don't, if you can't. Don't end the day on a painful note like this.

Don't you do that either, alright?

I'll... try not to. It's a bit difficult for me.

Here's an idea, then. Focus on something else. Something that won't be bothered by this situation, that you can hold on to.

Like what?

Like us. Like Genesis and I. We're not going to leave you, no matter what you do.

I should hope not...

Kid, I promised you that ages ago. I will never leave you. Stop worrying so much.

Heh, alright.

Guys I'm really starting to yawn over here and that's bad.

Jewel, I think your muse needs sleep.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Hey, I do! I'm really tired you know. Plus I have to float around all day which makes it worse.

Okay, okay! I swear, I can't be in a bad mood with you two around..

Not entirely, at least.

...No, not entirely.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

What?

Finish that book before you shut down for the night. I've been watching how that's affecting you and I think you might get something you need from it.

You think?

Hey, no coincidences. If this morning is any indication, I'd say they've been lining up pretty well for you today.

Hm. Maybe so. I'll do it, then-- I've been going crazy over how it might end anyway.

I figured you might, considering what it influenced.

...That too.

And you know, it's all about the life divine...

A hero's ending, all the signs.

You're the one, and the one you must survive.

Yeah...

Wrong song, but I think it works.

Hah, if you memorized Milliontown I think I'd be pretty shocked.

And I daresay you know the significance of that one well enough already.

Yeah, I do.

I love you, kid. More than anything.

I know.... I know. I love you too. Always.

Don't forget me!

I could never, darling. Now get to sleep; we're all going to need it.

Darn straight we will. You sign off first, though; I know how you work.

Geez, does everyone know how I work except me??

Well, maybe that's something you should think about, hm?

Huh. I guess it is.

Anyway, we really should've ended this ages ago.

Not really. We always find stuff to do with the extra time.

I thought you said you were falling asleep?

I am. Maybe I'm sleep-talking right now. You never know.

Oh man, don't start that up again...

Yeah, I'd say you've had enough of that for tonight. One more thing, though.

Hm?

The title. Who's it about?

Uh...

You know that's entirely inaccurate.

...

Hey, look at me.

Hm?

Stop putting yourself so low, okay?

I had a good reason to, though...

I can't think of a single reason in the world good enough to put you down, kid, and I don't know how you still can.

I guess...

Now for heaven's sake, close this infernal thing up and get to work. With how early you've been checking in lately, I think your boss is going to think something's up if you disappear all of a sudden.

Knowing him, yeah. And I need the sleep.

Then get some, and don't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

Hah, I won't be. That's one thing I can guarantee.

 

 

 


prismaticbleed: (shatter)


Someone on Tumblr posted a screenshot from Inglourious Basterds, of this blonde woman smirking in a horribly poisonous way... and it hurt so much to see that, I literally broke down in tears.

Apollo is burning up on his left side, and I feel terrible because I don't know how to help him without shutting him off, and I don't want to be selfish but I'm trying very hard to stabilize my mind right now and it's very difficult...

Mel took me aside as soon as they walked in the door tonight and for those 20 seconds I was absolutely terrified of them. If they hadn't let me go when they did, I think my mind would've shorted out into a blind adrenaline rush. I would've attacked them and ran out the door, probably sobbing like a blind man, because there would be nowhere to run.

I am so confused. They keep telling me to 'do what my heart tells me,' but geez, what if something's corrupting that? People justify so much crap by saying 'I just followed my heart!' as a ridiculous excuse for running on a selfish, uneducated whim.
"...But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander..."
It's right there in the Bible, kid. You can't justify every thought you have as 'from God' unless you look at it with a clear head, away from your own opinions and misled convictions, to discover whether or not such a conviction is objectively good.
This is why I'm hesitant to follow my 'intuition.' Remember I have some very vicious voices in my head, and they love to put on the most beautiful masks and lead me in the wrong direction. Your head seems to be even more dangerous than mine is; are you sure you're not being misled?
Then again, in reading this, you'll probably pull a Cobb and ask me to take a 'leap of faith...' but you do understand, how do I know if my faith is in the right place? What if that leap takes me into a hell cleverly disguised as a heaven? What if that leap kills me?
We both claim to believe in the same force, and yet we are both being told different things. So who's right? How do we know?

You see why I spend my days in agony.

You want me to be honest?
Well, Mel, I wasn't talking to you earlier. I was terrified of you, and knew I wouldn't be able to cope with a conversation, so I stepped out and left the drivers seat empty, so to speak. So you were pretty much talking to a robot. The good thing, though, was that it wasn't affected by my fears or Laurie's anger or anything, so we just programmed it to speak the truth in the bluntest way possible to avoid any cryptic misunderstanding (which I seem to love doing). I don't remember how the conversation ended, but I'm glad it did, because being in 'idle' for so long was making my body start to shut down, and so the moment you left I pretty much had to force myself conscious.
I don't remember anything from the conversation as a result, except for you asking if I wanted to go back to PA. I assume you also asked why.
I'm not too sure why, and that frustrates me, because I need solid motivations for my actions. Ironically, I had none for coming down here.
I want to go back to my family, to my memories, to my home. I want to go back to where I actually feel relatively safe, where I'm not tied down, where I have a stable base to rebuild my life from. I'll fix the mess I have up there, and then continue on to my future. Taking a detour across the country and making my troubles even deeper isn't helping anyone. Yeah, I'm scared to go back, but it's better than being stuck in an interim where I spend every day wishing I were asleep or at home.

I have a question to ask you, though.
You said I will 'inspire people with my work' down here. Why here? Why is Utah so important? Why can't I reach out to the world from anywhere I want to?
And about work... I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been exactly 'working' out here, let alone being in a stable enough state to find inspiration. If I do get anything, it's from my computer research or my own self-inspection-- two things I don't need this state to access.

The thing I've been afraid to admit, mostly because I don't fully understand it yet and so admitting it feels wrong... is that I'm deathly afraid of everyone I've met here. Both of your families terrify me, and the more time I spend with the both of you, the more I am afraid of you.
Paradoxically, I think it may be because you still mean something to me, although I don't know what that may be. For some reason I am the most paranoid and frightened around the people who mean the most to me, but who I am still uncomfortable with being around. This turns into a straight-up fear, because I don't know what to expect from you, I don't know who you really are, and as long as there is that uncertainty, I will never feel safe around you.
Plus, the more you probably think you're 'being honest' with me, the worse this becomes. Watching you and Q last night messed me up so badly that I almost had a meltdown. This is why I cannot hold relationships; I project my personality onto others, thinking they'll be 'safe,' but they invariably break my ideals and start setting off triggers left and right. This not only crushes my misplaced faith in you, but it labels you as a threat, and so I've been avoiding you both due to the danger you present.
Plus your anniversary is next week (I think), and I don't even want to think about how that might traumatize me.
You say you love me, but I think it's a shallow sort of love. You don't know me well enough to truly love me, and I'm too scared to show you anything, because in my heart I know we're not compatible at all, so to speak.
I keep using you, and that's not right.

Long story short, I want to get back home to my family... and yet I can't shake this single thought.
"You don't realize how important something is to you until it's gone."
I didn't realize how much my family meant to me until I left-- and it went both ways. In 20 years, I have NEVER seen my grandfather cry, and guess what he was doing the minute I told him goodbye? Now tell me how I'm supposed to stay out here, in an unfamiliar, alien place, when every phone call and email carries a broken voice begging for me to return?
I've never cried from being earthly homesick until I set foot in this state earlier this month. I can't ignore that.
And yet, when I left here the first time, I did miss it. That made me think.
Is this 'missing things' simply a guilt reaction? I mean, geez, when I think about it, I feel this for everything. I can be in a place for five minutes, and if it means the slightest thing to me-- even in a silly way like the lighting or the thoughts I had while I was there-- I will miss it when I'm gone.
It's why I was panicking when I first realized Q had 'abandoned me' for you. It wasn't because I was afraid of a 'breakup' or something stupid like that... no, it was because I was afraid I had screwed up, and because it meant I was losing yet another positive thing I had gained. I never understood him, and so I treated him like an object, like a twisted trophy of my wrongdoing, even then. It makes me sick.
I never loved him in the way he thought I did. I think you should think about that too. I'm not like you. I'm not like either of you, and as long as you are repeating my mistake of projecting your own personality and ideals and thoughts onto me, then you are going to be disappointed. You're going to be heartbroken, just like I am.

I'm still getting used to sticking up for my own beliefs and truths, especially because I am still terrified that I am wrong, because I simply don't have the means to 'research' my own thoughts and see if they're objectively correct. It's impossible. Society is corrupt and it's nothing to compare against... but even when I'm sure that I've made the righteous decision, even when I've put countless hours of thoughts and research and introspection behind my decisions, the slightest shoot-down from a stranger can make me panic and second-guess myself.
The Bible warns about that. It warns of those who will try to undermine you. I never realized that was happening until now, though... I just thought I was the one in the wrong. I thought I was the devil, the manipulator, the lost one. I still hope to God I'm not.
But... I still wear masks, I've become so used to acting by now that I should win a freaking Oscar on reputation alone, and I've never been more of a liar than I am now.
The most honest I've ever been with you was behind those glassy eyes in the kitchen earlier tonight, and I wasn't even the one speaking to you.

And yet, I'm still a diehard wannabe good guy. I want to fix this situation, if only for the sadly selfish reason of clearing my record and making myself a 'positive figure' again. I couldn't bear knowing that I have been a dark shadow in the lives of you both, that I was nothing but a cause of pain and regret and self-loathing. Ironically, every time I try to stay true to myself, that happens. Am I such a negative force in the world that I cannot have a single positive connection? Or is the world so negative that it cannot function with me in it? And why does it feel so utterly narcissistic to consider either option?

You're going to ask me to pray for answers, I know it.
Guess what? I have. And every time I ask "what do I do," I am told "the right thing."
But what is the right thing, I ask? "You'll figure it out."
Well gee, that wouldn't be so hard if my mind didn't snap into utilitarian principles every time that came up. Staying here will help Mel and Q, and will also fulfill their weird 'need' for me to be in this state, but it will destroy my family and so far it's been killing me (and although I really shouldn't care about me, the fact that I cannot function to help others in this state is making me panic). However, leaving will assumedly have a huge negative effect on them both, but it will bring me back to my family and will give me the means I need to get back on my own two feet.
So which is 'right?' I have trust that I will find the right way eventually, but you know what they say... "pray to reach solid ground, but keep rowing." God helps those who help themselves, and I'm not too sure what that means. How do I help myself? And why do I have such a vehement drive to not care about myself?
Is there even a 'right' decision to make here, or is everything chance? Do I just need to gamble, to take that 'leap of faith' that will potentially haunt me for the rest of my life?

I am so ridiculously lost right now. I'm going to go back to sleep and hope I'll find some answers there in the meantime.







You either live it up or don't live it down
Keep your head in the clouds or ear to the ground
You're either lost in the narrows or being found
You either pay with your life or pay by the pound

There's no time, there's no time for someone to save you
There's no time, there's no time
All the world ain't waiting for you to finally come around

You either live it up or don't let it go
You're either in with the in or out of the norm

There's no time, there's no time, there's no time for someone to save you
There's no time there's no time, all the world ain't waiting for
There's no time there's no time for something to make you
Make you finally come around

What a life, oh what a lie
To live in fear on borrowed time
And thats what happens in between,
The planning and the schemes

You either live it up and you don't live it down
You either live it up and you don't live it down
So don't go giving up, let it bring you down
Oh, let it bring you down
When the cracks split in the road
Are all you've seen...



 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)


So hey guys. Jayce here.
Yeah, I'm sticking with the name. Don't diss me; I'm more than a little sick of making my own choices only to have them overthrown by someone with an entirely different and irrelevant reference point. I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits.
I've never been this happy with myself before. Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile.
So I've made up my mind. I'm going through with the FTM surgery and hopefully getting nullified shortly afterwards. God only knows when I'll get the means to do so (hopefully soon), but at least it's mentally decided. That's a huge load off my back, which as you all know is bad enough the way it is!

As for the title, well, let's start this past Saturday morning. As you assumedly know, I spent the vast entirety of June in Utah with Q and Mel, and returned on July 9th to stay here for about... I dunno, three weeks? Anyway, leaving my home so suddenly in June really disoriented me. I spent June in a sort of 'interim,' virtually unable to communicate with my family back in PA because my sense of reality had shifted horribly off-scale. I kind of 'ghosted' for the four weeks until my return, upon which I was faced with several huge dilemmas. I've spoken about the moral/personal ones in glissando, but the other one focused solely around my future. While I have indeed touched upon that point in the past as well, it was the immediate choices I was now being forced to make that burnt me out.
Let me clarify. Staying at home was a problem because my school and work lives had been pretty much shot, my space at home was very limited and I was desperately looking for a new road to walk. However, heading back out to Utah to hopefully find said road was also a huge problem for several massive reasons... I didn't have a school or work life at all there, let alone family or a roof over my head. I was basically jumping blindfolded into a canyon and hoping that I wouldn't black out upon hitting the water... that is, if the water wasn't just a hallucination at this point. Still, I figured it was worth a shot, so I bit my tongue and hopped a plane to Chicago on the 31st, where I would meet the cat and the otter. Well... that's when things started to go downhill again, and it frightened me.
See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me. That's what it apparently did with the four weeks I spend in Utah prior. I had remembered it as a positive experience until I stepped off the plane and was thrown back into the unsettling realization that I just didn't fit. It really took hold when Q and Mel decided to take me walking randomly through Chicago for some undisclosed reason.
Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules. If you're going to wander off somewhere with no real plan, no real destination and no time/travel estimate, do NOT take me with you because I will flip out. Fun fact #2: beaches, carnivals and large public gatherings trigger massive panic attacks in me. Fun fact #3: Guess what happened in Chicago?
Yep, not only did they basically just wander about without telling me what the heck we were doing (bad enough I only had about $50 in my pocket, no keys, and no awareness of the surrounding area), but when they decided they were going to settle on a destination, it was a freaking park on the beach. What. So yeah, I panicked. Heck, as soon as I saw the buildings start to die down I was worried-- once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped.
But let's fast-forward. Since I had such a breakdown we couldn't logically stay, so thankfully about 20 minutes in we decided to catch a bus back out to near where we were staying. The rest of the night was relatively okay from what I remember, as nothing happened, but honestly it's a useless memory to me and I'd rather not think upon it.
I dreamt about my left knee exploding in blood.
Understandably, I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day, but that evening and the entirety of our Monday were pretty much just wasted away with random hanging out in Wisconsin farmland. Sure, the fields were flipping gorgeous, but when they're full of cows and I can't run through them, they lose some of their magic, y'know?
Plus all I could think of was Dori. We were only about 3 hours driving time away from her, and it was all I could think of.
I'm so confused. I still care for her deeply, unconditionally, but I don't know what I feel for anyone anymore. It hurts more than I can possibly say.
Oh-- there was actually one other thing. We visited a model train layout. I know, I know, I'm not a fan of such things, but I never really understood why until I visited that one in the rather painful mood I was in. Of course, there's the issue of spending such extravagant amounts of money on bits of electronic metal and foam, but the real killer is why they do it... or at least my perception of why.
They create an entire fantasy world. That's it. Those huge setups, with their random plastic houses and people eternally 'living' the same moments as toy trains whiz aimlessly by... they're just fantasy worlds. Useless ones. What good is that doing for anyone? Sure, it'll entertain some random passerby for a few minutes as they wander by, but it ultimately achieves no greater good.
It just bugs me to no end when people create things with no 'real' purpose to them. Yeah, I know some people do it for a hobby, but why? I just don't get it. Oh well.
Back on topic.
We woke up at 6AM on Tuesday, and drove to Dubuque Iowa to catch a bus.

All right, this experience was so stressful it needs a paragraph break. Here we go.
So we wait at the terminal from 9AM to 12PM, and in the meantime I get a phone call from my dad saying that the U had rejected my application because my GPA was below 2.0. Well, my jaw hit the floor. There was no way in heaven it could be that low-- so I called my home campus. Well, you remember the winter semester of 2009 when I had those repeated mental breakdowns and had to drop out of classes? Apparently that still counted towards my academic record, and so now I'm screwed! The only thing I can do now is speak to the U's offices in person and see if they can make an exception for me, considering my psychological issues... but we'll get back to that point later. Needless to say, that news upset me horribly, and so I was in a pretty agonized mood until about 5PM, when we got off at a connecting terminal in Des Moines, Idaho.
That's where our title comes from. We basically hung out there for the next 6 hours, as I fixed my iPod's library (his name is Razia btw) and read The First Horseman until our bus to Denver showed up around 11PM. Unfortunately, the bus terminal announced it as Omaha instead, and so we weren't aware it was even ours until we went out to confusedly double-check-- and were told that yeah, it WAS our bus, but there was no seating left. So we and a small crowd of fellow passengers were left at the terminal waiting for a replacement bus that wasn't even guaranteed to show up.
Then the terminal decided to close.
Yes, you heard me. Our bus group, as well as a bunch of people waiting for a 1AM pickup, were thrown out on the curb around 12AM and told to wait there as the workers assumedly went home. This wouldn't have been a huge problem if we had been guaranteed a bus arrival, if it hadn't been 12AM, AND if it hadn't been thunderstorming-- with a tornado warning, no less.
You guessed it: panic attack! I got to the point where I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't breathe correctly, all the while getting soaked and wishing I were back in PA, where I at least had a home to go to.
That's when I was forced to really look at my situation.
There I was: a phantom Sandman, shaking like a madman in a plastic chair on a Des Moines sidewalk, buffeted by moths, rain and wind, and completely unaware of where the next bus would be taking me. Not a very pretty situation. I immediately asked myself why the heck I was even on a cruddy sidewalk in Idaho, and the only answer I had was "because I'm supposed to go to Utah."
That sentence sounded so incredibly stupid at 1AM I wanted to cry. So I was basically ostracizing myself because I was supposed to? Says who?
Then I looked to my right to see a boy in red and a girl in black, and my head slumped down onto my chest. Oh.
See, my problem is my devotion, as undetectable as it is. I'm incredibly devoted to my family, but I still care about these two kids... so being forced to choose is more than I can handle.
The only major warning sign is that said kids insist that I "must" stay here in Utah. No exceptions.

I'm currently sitting in Q's living room, 8:23PM, listening to Eminem, wondering where I'm going to sleep, and feeling more lonely than I have ever been in my life.

I really don't care whether or not I'm "supposed" to be here anymore.
The truth is, I'm being used as a crutch here. I'm not sure how, as I don't understand their motives, but I can feel it. No matter what they tell me, I still feel like a third wheel and I keep looking out the window and wishing I were on the planes that fly overhead.
I don't know how much longer my grandparents will live. My brothers are growing up without me. My past is fading away. Yeah, I want to live a meaningful future, but geez-- if I'm stuck here in this mountain state holding up two lovebirds who apparently can't function without romance, then I'm not going to have one anyway.
I really, really want to go back home. I want to see my family again. I just... I guess I took them for granted. It wasn't until I was dragged out here that I realized how much they mean to me, even if I don't spend much time at the house, even if I don't feel safe within the walls. It's still my freaking home. It's still my family out there.
When I walked out the door on Saturday, I saw my grandfather cry for the first time in the 20 years I've been on this earth. That hurt more than you know.

When I go back to PA, I'm going to land a job at Borders, spend a huge amount of time working on my personal projects, and do everything humanly possible to fix my academic record and get back into the educational system. I want to make progress. Heck, I want to make MUSIC. I want to reach out and change peoples lives, and I want to have a life ahead of me... I'm sick and tired of sitting on buses and couches waiting to be given the next orders from my charge.

Still, I feel so horribly selfish, and that's what makes everything so difficult here.
Leaving Q and Mel will be 'betraying' them, as they do insist I stay no matter what. However, staying here will be leaving my family behind, who misses me terribly and who frankly needs me around.
I feel like a really confused guardian angel right now. The kids across the room apparently need me to watch over them, but... I don't know. It doesn't feel right at all.
God, what do I do, huh?
I'll try to stay here for at least a week... maybe two... see what I can do. I just feel so lonely and torn up right now.

Oh well. This too shall pass, I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time.
I just need to take a deep breath, check my head and heart, and step onto the next road.
Hesitation isn't doing me any good. Life is full of chances and choices, and unless I find the guts to stand up for my personal Light, I'm going to die here.
I refuse to just fade away. I refuse to just rot here. I refuse to compromise anymore.
Time to set this in motion.





Relax, I ain't goin back to that now
All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow
Cause I ain't playin around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fckin black cloud
still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fckers are doing jumpin jacks now!

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!


prismaticbleed: (shatter)


I don't have the strength to talk, type, sleep, or fight.
It's been terrifying me how my self-abusive tendencies have gone through the roof since I left Utah, and I'm sick wondering if it's because I left or because I stayed. I knew something was wrong when Julie started attacking me at Mel's house, whenever I'd step into the bathroom, so no one could help me. Prior to those attacks, she hadn't touched me in weeks. That scared me. That really scared me.
Now I can't go more than a few hours without something desecrating me. I've already had about three separate attacks since midnight, and I'm just barely fighting off another one right now. I can't even take a shower, as usual, because I know they'll get me as soon as I'm cut off from help. I have to leave all doors open, all phones and messaging centers active, everything. I can't stand it, as that much 'openness' freaks me out, but it's better than being mindraped.

...Bridget is back.
I hope she doesn't bring Missy with her, please God, don't let her come back too. Laurie is trying to decide whether to be screaming or sobbing at this point, and it really hurts to see her so utterly lost. Chaos Zero is keeping his distance but he's not been doing well either. He actually 'unhinged' while I was trying to sleep the other night, and was murmuring something about my life being the blueprint for his or something. I remember that because Laurie was floating above my bed and saying that we were in temporary limbo, but I don't recall what happened after that...
Anyway, yeah, my old evil headvoices are 'resurrecting.' Bridget has been dead for at least 3 years now, so this is truly terrifying. She represents arrogance, apathy and wrath, by the way... her color is green. I don't like her at all, and I haven't even seen much of her, thank heaven.
My self-image has unwaveringly been Jayce for the past week or so. Although this is helping me deal with mirrors (I noticed the switch after I had a major abusive breakdown last week in front of the mirror), when I'm in that state I'm even more naïve than I am in Spine's shell, so Julie tries to take advantage of me a LOT. I try to fight her off the best I can, but lately I've been weak because of my own self-abuse.
My self-loathing and lack of control over my surroundings is beginning to externalize. All that frustration and panic is beginning to overflow and I'm beginning to unconsciously turn it on other people who I have no control over either (read:everyone ever). That's why Bridget came back... all this painful fury.
I don't like it. I need to get somewhere safe somehow, but... well, I have no car, I have no money, and I have no time. I have to finish going through my belongings and packing the smallest amount I can take to Utah before Wednesday, which is kind of hellish right now. But I have to do it.

...Here's what I read that triggered this. From Mel.

"...I came over to Q's, and read Jewel's message that basically said she wasn't coming. That was too much for me...
I can't help but be furious at Jewel right now. Does she really want to suffer?
She told me that coming here would be worse for her than suffering the hell her family puts her through everyday.
Bullshit.
Your coming here was not just for me. I'm disgusted at the way you refuse to make progress, and when you do, you make the problems larger and more complicated.
Yes, I need you.
When Q is gone, I will have no one.
You just affirmed that fact by refusing to come here.
You know it will help you, yet you still refuse.
Why are you resigning yourself to hell constantly?
You deserve better than this: I know it, Q knows it, you should know it.
Help me understand: please."


The moment I read that, I FELT the self-hate burn outwards, and that was so horrific I knew I had to turn my mind elsewhere... but I owe her a reply. I owe everyone a reply.
I said I wasn't coming out of rashness and out of compromise. My family does NOT want me to go out to Utah, and they are saying they're not only being perfectly logical but are also saving me, an immature, mindless moron, from making yet another stupid decision that will ruin everyone's life. That alone is a huge stressor for me, and while I'm trying to figure out if they're right or not, Mel said she NEEDS me over in Utah, so I'm trying to figure out if SHE'S right or not at the exact same time. It's so incredibly painful that I basically just went with my parents at first, as I had to deal with them face-to-face daily, and didn't have the heart to go against them.
I'm furious at me too. Welcome to the past 20 years of my life. And yeah, that is exactly why I want to suffer. I feel I deserve a damn good amount of pain in my life, and when I don't get it I literally freak out. Not only that, but resigning myself to trying to live selflessly means that, if something starts 'working in my favor,' I also panic and wonder what I did wrong this time.
Going down to Utah would be worse than staying here because, first of all, it's immediately going to turn my family against me in some way. No matter how much of a 'perfect mother' my mum has been trying to be lately, I have seen her at her worst, and she might pull that again if I go against her orders to stay. Secondly, even though I'm going to be there for you, EVERY voice that's spoken to me-- yours and mine-- says that I hurt you, used you, am bad for you, and the like. Seeing you suffer and not being able to do anything is bad enough. Not being able to care for you entirely because I cannot understand how people work is bad enough. But knowing that most of what's up in our heads is convinced that I am trying to kill you is unbearable. Maybe I am, and I don't know! That's why it would be worse... Q would be gone, I can't get him back for you, I can't take his place, I can't help you the way you expect, and I can't keep any voices from telling me that I am a huge negative force in your life. Here I just have to worry about not killing myself. I don't want to end up inflicting any agony on you on top of everything else. I could never live with myself if I did.
And ironically, if it happened, I'd say I deserved it. What the hell is wrong with me, right? I'll tell you. I haven't felt the slightest bit happy with myself in over 8 years, because 8 years ago, I HAD no self. I was the quiet kid who did nothing but DRAW all day. Once I was forced to 'grow up' and stop giving life to my own worlds, something snapped, and I've been miserable ever since. Yes, yes, life is hell and she rapes everyone, but for the love of sanity I DON'T HAVE TO STAND FOR THAT. I don't give a flying fish if 95% of the population thinks life sucks; I still think it's beautiful despite all the junk we're going through, and so help me but it is really freaking difficult to keep my eyes white with what I'm exposed to on a daily basis.
I don't understand why you say my coming over there was not just for you. I thought that was the only reason? Education was just icing on the cake: an excuse for traveling 2000 miles to be with a girl I just met, a flimsy tale to tell my parents when they ask me why I'm 'running away from home' or 'making such an immature decision.' Who am I kidding; I didn't know why the heck I was leaving either, except that you TOLD me to! I was just too naive to realize that I could have refused!!
I WANT to make progress, Mel. That line hurt me so much I don't even want to think about it. What do you consider progress? What do you consider progress??
Please, my life and your life are different. What you may see as a step forward might be a dozen steps backward for me. What you see as a saving light might be the fires of hell for me.
I'm really scared, I'm not in the right body, I can't sleep because I'm tired of this and I can't stay awake because I want to forget all this. I sob into every mirror I see because I don't recognize what's in it, and not in the 'I should be a different person' way! I look in the mirror and I see wrongfully borrowed skin; I see a bag of bones that I was damned to suffer 20 years ago because the trial made me stronger. I just hope to God that He doesn't want me to die before I can finally make a good person out of myself.
What problems am I making larger? The family problem? Unfortunately, that's because I TRIED to take that 'step forward,' to get out of here, and go to you. That's what made my family angry with me. That's why I said I wasn't going at first; because it hurts so much when you say I'm just making my problems worse. I thought maybe I was doing the right thing for once. I was wrong.
Q doesn't know a freaking thing. It's the reason I ran from him in 2008. He's incredibly adamant and so sure in every observation and decision he makes, even if he is taking the wrong stance. When he does that to me, when I KNOW he's blindly thinking he's right, it hurts me horribly and makes me frighteningly angry. That's why I don't like talking to him... I can't get anywhere with him. If I do make progress, it's because I'm so frustrated that I just fall back on my two baselines: "this too shall pass" and "you can't die yet." So I pretend it's all okay, I get up off the floor and I keep walking, because it's true. Most of the time I don't remember a word anyone else spoke to me, so it really stings when they think they know every answer to my problems. Heck, I don't even know what my problems truly are; how are you supposed to solve something that's not even true or false?
It doesn't make me hate either of you, and it doesn't make me love you any less (although I'm not even sure if this is love anymore, as sickening as that is), but it does put a huge strain on whatever sort of relationship this is, because although you say you only want to help and are doing so the only way you know how, it is doing naught but causing me a ton of extra suffering.
You see why I'm hesitant to help you, no matter how desperately I want to. I don't know if I can sync with your life without causing catastrophe, which breaks my heart.
And yet I'm coming out there anyway. I am fully aware how huge of a risk it is for me, but I will be there. It makes me feel utterly worthless and depraved to say so, but you want me to, and despite how horribly wrong it feels it also feels right (yeah, my mind is pretty screwed up lately), which not only takes an axe to my moral compass but leaves me incapable of making my own decisions. So I let my family drag me one way and let you pull me back the other way. The pain I got from your words is what's making me leave for good. I told you; I can't live with myself knowing that I'm causing you such awful suffering. My family just doesn't want their 'precious, talented baby girl' (who is secretly a dude) making another stupid, stupid decision and 'running away' because I have 'no street smarts' and the like... it makes me sick thinking about all of it, about all of the contrasting opinions here.
Am I resigning myself to hell? What is hell to you? To me, it's waking up every morning stuck in an interim. I would have broken right out of this damnation ages ago if I had the money and the time, so I just do what my parents say to do and think "God must want me to suffer longer." Is that hell? Is it divine will for me to be stuck here? What lamps have I, the fallen Hope-Bringer, destroyed? What have I done?

I don't know what I deserve. I have no right to say and i don't want to think about it.
All I ever wanted out of life was to spread love and righteousness and I can't even do that with how screwed-up my life is right now.
What does it even feel like to do the right thing? Is it supposed to make you feel this guilty? What is going on??

I've been shivering for the past 4 hours, I'm hysterically fighting off headvoices, I'm horrifically hypersensitive, and I still have to call Q's family. I am just too freaking scared of them to pick up the phone... how am I going to stay there for 2 years if they terrify me? I couldn't even go into their basement to take a shower when his sister was down there because I am scared of her. I don't even know why! I'm scared of my own freaking brothers, for heavens sakes! My father asked me "what the hell I wanted already" because I told him I didn't feel safe in this apartment, and all I could say was "I don't know!" I'm such a pathetic little slob. I'm a virtually useless wreck of a screwup who can't even get on track long enough to fulfill his damn purpose in life. And every time I use that pronoun I want to cry, because it actually feels objectively right for once and I know I can't have it. It's such a stupid, selfish thing to get so worked up over, but for the love of life, how am I supposed to live as a functioning member of society, no matter how effed-up society is, if I can't even function in my 'own' skin? Mel, I want to help you, I want to help everyone I can, but you said it yourself, so many times-- "Why are you resigning yourself to hell constantly?"
I can't get out of this, and as long as I am being tormented, I can't see straight enough to help a soul. When I run to you to try and help, I trip and fall, and you wonder why I "refuse" to fix my own problems. I hope you understand how horribly painful it is for me to hear that from you. I just... I don't know how to make you understand.
I don't understand anyone.
I thought you were different. As selfish as it is, I thought you were a person I could love entirely, someone to help me out of this hell, but... but I thought Q was, too, and then he 'fell in love' with me. Why did that make everything so much more senseless to me?
I don't understand anyone. I don't understand myself. I don't know how to help you because I don't know what's going on and listen to me whining like a selfish little bitch and no no no no no no no


get them out of my head oh god PLEASE GET THEM OUT


I'll take the greyhound, sure!
20 hours of this, all in a row! i don't mind! i can't! i have to do it!
but when i get out there you'll still be romancing
and i won't get it
and some stupid, stupid, stupid part of me will condemn you for it
because it strikes me as useless.
don't listen to me.
tell me how i can help
even if its just standing there at this point
all i can give you is the truth
"i wish i could help you"
"but i don't know what help is"
and oh god I just want to help you
that's it
that's it.




 

 

 

yellow

Jul. 9th, 2010 07:12 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)


We're both feeling so lost.

How do I begin...



July 2nd was incredibly painful for the both of us.
I don't completely recall what happened. All I remember of that evening is looking into your eyes from somewhere far beyond mine, unable to even control the tics in my own face. I remember sitting on Q's living room floor and fighting back tears because the hands I moved where not mine. That's all I remember.
You, unfortunately, remembered everything.
You thought I didn't care. You thought that I was using you, that everything I had shown up to that point had been a facade.
You expended so much emotion on my behalf... you gave your heart to me.
I was too blind to give anything back.
I feel like such a fool. I've never known how to show what I feel, and the aching numbness I suffered barely a week past didn't help. For a while I was afraid that I was simply depleting you, that I had gone so long without any positive emotional input that I had no idea how to react other than absorbing every ounce I found. But that wasn't the case. The case was, simply enough, that I was afraid of returning it.
A foolish fear, I know... but I love so deeply, so completely, that I worry it will intimidate others; I fear that they will reject it. From the moment I first learned of you I knew you were someone amazing; I just never expected to love you as strongly as I do now.
Two nights ago, hours before I stepped onto the plane, I told you that I loved you, and I meant every word. I hope you realize that. I hope you accept that.
Whenever I'm with a soul I love, I'm overcome with painful joy. You're there, you're real, and I'm blessed to have you in my life, but... do you feel anywhere near the same? That's the doubt that always darkens my mind: if I held him, if I kissed her, if I told them how much they meant to me, what would they think?
I want to take your hand. I want to hold you as closely as he does, because you mean that much to me, but it almost feels wrong. It feels as if I'm taking you from him, something I would never do. No, it never hurt me to see the love you two share... it only makes me smile to know what you have. Seeing the both of you so happy means more than I can say.
The only hurt I feel is what I perceive. I feel like an interruption, like a third wheel, although I know that isn't true.
God only knows how much I love you both... I just hope you both understand that. I don't want to hurt either of you.
So much of my love has been unrequited... so much of it has been thrown back in my face that I can't help but hesitate now. Love is nothing to hold back, but the idea that it could be perceived as unwanted, as even negative? That terrifies me, and it keeps me from doing so much good. I wish I had realized that earlier.
Instead, I remained silent as he took my hand, looked away as you met my gaze. It's not that I reject you... it's that I don't know how to return it anymore.
You thought you were getting nothing in return, when I was trying not to burst into tears from what I was holding inside.
It breaks my heart.

He often takes the blame... it's because he cares so much. I do the same.
When you love someone, it's virtually impossible to hold anything against them, and more often than not you take all their pains upon yourself.
Rather than being helpless, lost, unable to help... we take the blame in the desperate hope that doing so will give us the means to change it, to make it better. And in the same way, those whose blame is taken try to reclaim it, if only to save the one they love from suffering as well.

You're the reason I'm so bent on leaving for SLC next month.
Yes, I need to get out of this house. Yes, I need to finish my education. Yes, I need to learn to live on my own. Those are all minor details, though.
I've only spent 24 days out of 20 years with you, and they were the best days of my life. To abandon you when you need me most would be unthinkable. I want to be there for you, to help you in your endeavors, to be a shoulder to cry on and a heart to turn to.
'Happiness isn't always the best way to be happy,' Judith said, and she was right. Until now, I thought 'happiness' for me meant staying where I was and working as usual. It wasn't until I was given a different road to walk that I understood what it meant to truly be happy. My plans have changed; I'm moving out of state for several years, I'm living on my own for the first time in my life, I'm jumping headfirst into the future, and I'm terrified... but I'm happy, because of you. I feel your pain, I cry myself to sleep from everything you've seen, and I'm still so happy.

We've been walking for so long, and God has finally shown us the path out of the desert. There's so much hope, so much possibility out there for the both of us. We've truly been blessed.
It's truly sad how my faith suffered as a child, and it's only now that I'm finally able to be caught up in it. I'm learning and feeling so much from it now, and that is priceless. I have to thank you for being a bringer of that needed light into my life, you know.
It scares me to think of how lost I've been in the past, in the spiritual aspect especially. Growing up, prayer was a form of punishment, and faith was rewarded with lectures on how much of an irredeemable sinner I was. Forgiveness was denied and penance was ignored... it came to the point where the only thing keeping me looking to God was God himself. Something inside me told me that, despite what I had been told, He was truly something indomitably good and true. I held on to that, and God held on to me, giving me more angels and guides than I could possibly count as I staggered along my life's path. You're one of the brightest I've ever been blessed with.
But the good will suffer, they say, and at the risk of sounding presumptuous we are no exceptions.

I wish I knew how to help you and your family.
It might sound ridiculous, but although I understand why you're doubting your love for them, I don't know if I feel the same. Despite everything my family has put me through, I still love them. I hope it's not just Stockholm syndrome, haha. Seriously though, that's one of my best and most dangerous qualities... I'm such a child at heart. I still see the world through rose-colored glasses, so to speak; I'm still too innocent for my age, so they say. I still love everyone who's ever hurt me, and I'm glad I do. I just wish you didn't have that conflict, that pain in the face of the love that should be there.
Money is an issue for us all, and if I could give you every penny to my name I would. Unfortunately we both have college expenses.
That doesn't mean I'm not going to help you, though. I couldn't possibly leave you dry if there's even the slightest bit of aid I can give. I'm here if you need me.
I just wish I was there.

When you said you were falling back into old habits, I was terrified. We all fight personal battles, but if yours are anything like mine, then God help me but I need to do everything in my power to save you from that.
I can't see you as the sort of person that would want such a mindset... the one you say you used to have, I mean. Maybe I'm not seeing the whole picture, but it doesn't seem that way. You're one of the kindest, most amazing people I've ever met. Even at Girl's camp, hearing what others had to say about you, made me so ridiculously proud. You're a beautiful individual and I can't imagine how you could ever have been different... but then again, look at me. 7 years ago I was a real mess, and I know it.
I guess it's just a matter of staying strong, however difficult it is. I know. I also know you can do it.
Pain, stress, loss, they all weaken us. If my words, if my love and concern can give you enough strength to carry through, then hold on to them as tightly as you can. This is all for you.


I don't know what the Parker in your mind says to you, but he's very wrong. If I could take him out of you and take him on myself, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
You may disagree with me, and I understand, but let me tell you something. Despite whatever mistakes you may have made in your life, despite whatever regrets you may have, and despite whatever words those voices have spoken against you, you deserve every single bit of love Q and I are giving you. Heck, you deserve much more than what we're able to give!
I can't speak for him, but you have played a major role in saving my life, in spite of what little time we've had together. You are absolutely priceless, and the world would be a darker place without you here in it. We're blessed to have you here. God knows what he's doing, and you'll get through this.

I love you, Mel.




I’m driving around town
Kinda bored with the windows rolled down
See a girl on the bus stop bench
Dressed to draw attention

Hoping everyone will stare
If she don’t stand out she thinks she’ll disappear
Wish I could hold her, tell her, show her
What she wants is already there

A star is a star
It doesn’t have to try to shine
Water will fall
A bird just knows how to fly
You don’t have to tell a flower how to bloom
Or light how to fill up a room
You already are what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Heard a story the other day
Took place at the local VA
A father talking to his dying son
This was his conversation
“It’s not supposed to be like this
You can’t go first, I can’t handle it!”
The boy said “Dad now don’t you cry,
Remember when I was a child,
What you used to tell me when I’d ask 'why?'

You’d say, 'Gravity is gravity
It doesn’t try to pull you down
Stone is stone; it can’t help but hold its ground
The wind just blows, though you can’t see
It’s everywhere like I’ll always be
You already are what you are
And what you are is strong enough.'"

Look in the mirror
Now that’s another story to tell
I give love to others
But I give myself hell
I’d have to tell myself
“In every scene there’s a perfect plan”
Everything I hoped to be
I already am

A flower is a flower
It doesn’t have to try to bloom
And light is light
Just knows how to fill a room
And dark is dark
So the stars have a place to shine
The tide goes out
So it can come back another time

Goodbye makes a love so sweet
And love is love so it can teach us
We already are what we are
And what we are is beautiful

And strong enough
And good enough
And bright enough.

 


 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)


Screw getting a girlfriend; right now I'd probably be happier if I never saw another biological female for the rest of my freaking life.

Last night I was sent to hell.

Let's start at the beginning...
Yesterday, after I finished my Jayce-rant entry, Mel went into some sort of Laurie-state with (I assume) Parker: her own personal schadenfreudic headvoice, so to speak. Of course I was still stuck in this awfully numb state during it, so I had no idea what do do, let alone the means to do so.
Even better? I lost my only connection to Jena. Hello mental trauma.
I can't even remember yesterday afternoon; I won't even try at this point. My single recollection of the evening is what I did around 12AM, when everyone else was asleep. Basically, I tried to 'turn off' this numb state. Come on, I'm dead sick of it already... I had to do something.
Long story short, I ended up trying several different methods before my sleep-deprived mind thought 'heck with it' and just turned on iTunes for about an hour. Choral music does wonders for my psyche, God knows why. Regardless that helped me disassociate from physical reality for a few blessed minutes.
After that, though, I fell back into my Jayce-state. I've been going into that mindset very often lately... this form I'm trapped in is causing me so much trouble that I can't help but mentally impose a more beneficial perception upon myself. So I opened up Wavepad and began tweaking every female vocalist down to 85% of their original pitch, haha. Forgive me, but that is killer stress relief. I did that for a while, messing with Miriam Stockley and Kim Jensen, before realizing that I was unconsciously looking for a pitch-warp that matched Jayce's voice. "Well hey," I thought, "I have that one file of myself singing on here... let's see how that works."
86% pitch drop = perfect fit.
I freaking have Jayce's voice.
I think I cried, haha. Needless to say, I transcended that numbness for a good ten minutes around 1AM, brought down only by the sick realization that I still had a long way to go before I could achieve that sort of happiness with myself. So I closed up Apollo and resigned myself to sleep.

God forgive me, but I swear I would rather have stayed awake for the next month.

I don't remember much of what my nightmare was, and thank God for that because I've been trying desperately to purge it from my mind since I woke up around 3PM (no kidding). I spend a good 3 hours reading goats books in the kitchen to get my mind caught up in something else (that comic is amazing), but there are still some sickeningly vivid fragments left in my mind, no matter how badly I wish they were gone.
For that reason, I won't even dare describe what I experienced last night out of fear that it'll 'come back to me' upon doing so. I'll simply mention that it involved a lot of death, darkness, and damnation. The scariest part is that I was in a lucid state the whole time, to the point where I couldn't possibly distinguish my mental hell from 'actual' reality. Heck, after waking up I swear that nightmare had been more real than the world I woke up in.

Anyway, I woke up more shaken than I've been in years. That's when I retreated into the kitchen with a metaphysical comic book, and that's pretty much how my day has gone.
In all seriousness, though, I have no idea what to do about this. That nightmare was so terribly traumatic, I... geez, I swear I am this close to pulling an all-nighter this evening. See if the local library has a copy of JTHM and call it a day.

I don't know what to do.
Yeah, I haven't been feeling anything other than this dull empty ache between my ribs, but according to Mel I've been emitting such a negative energy signature that it's making her physically ill.
That terrifies me. On a daily basis I put a huge amount of effort into keeping up a positive 'aura,' so to speak, but in this state I can't even get my mind to form coherent thoughts for heaven's sake. Last night I couldn't get it to think at all, let alone feel anything save abject paranoid terror (in the mental sense, I guess) at the fact that I was in a car. Don't ask me where that came from, it just did.
Oh yeah... and halfway through that ordeal, I pretty much 'zoned out' on the drive up. Guess who decided it was her time to take matters into her own hands? Yep, my dear superego, Laurie.
Contrary to what you may be expecting, though, we didn't have another Wednesday on our hands. Oh, she tried it, even to the point where I was physically jolting and flinching because of it, but despite my hideously mangled mental state, I managed to choke out that I couldn't take her doing that. She took one hard look at me and spat out that she wasn't surprised; that I had been rapidly degenerating lately and if I didn't shape up fast I'd be doing more than shipping out... I'd literally unravel.
I hadn't put much thought into this situation before her interception, but that statement on her part turned a light on in this dusty mind of mine.
Ever since I stepped off the plane in Las Vegas, something weird has been happening to me, and I'll tell you exactly what it is and why.
I had just traveled over 2000 miles away from the place where I was born and raised, for the sole reason of seeing the two people who supposedly cared for me most in this world. Upon meeting them and spending the next week with them, I didn't notice the less positive switch. See, I no longer had to worry about the stressful turmoil of my distant 'home.' That lever had been switched off, and another had been switched on. I was now torn between being myself and being a person who could sync with Mel and Q without causing severe problems. That brought up the whole 'keeping them amused' problem (that's in my IJ) and the secondary issue of tweaking my personality to keep from possibly offending or confusing anyone too much. Not much of a change from my home life after all, sadly. But I didn't realize it. I kept myself from realizing it. It was sick.
The biggest blow was Girls' Camp, I think (well, besides Wednesday night, but that ties in with the above motivators). I would've been fine with it if it hadn't incorporated two things that unfailingly screw up my sense of self every time I come in contact with them... meaningless 'entertainment,' and forcing myself to be seen as a female. God only knows how much damage I unknowingly took from that.
It wasn't until Friday afternoon that I finally came to terms with just how deeply this sick numbness had managed to force itself into my bones. Now, on what I think is a Tuesday (my sense of time has been shot in the face lately), I can't even get myself to feel anything more than a dim sense of sick desperation at the monotony I'm still unfortunately trapped in.
I don't want to leave Utah because the two people that brought me here want me to stay, but I also don't want to stay because of what I'm causing them... and what they're causing me.
God, you've really got me in a bizarre situation now, don't you? Man oh man.
Gold in the fire, that's what I'm crossing my fingers for. This too shall pass.
But how long is it going to take? When I finally get through this, what's going to be left of me? How badly will I be scarred? How far gone will I be?
I don't know what the ultimate outcome of all this will be, but you know... the saddest part is that I ironically have every single coping mechanism that I will ever need, and yet I cannot access them in my current state.
Even sleep, my single static escape, has turned into a conduit for divine punishment, forcing me into deeper contrition every time I wake up trying to burn the memory of the past 8 hours out of my eyes.
I don't even feel 'real' anymore. I think that may be a major part of this numbness.

People keep trying to turn off my pain addiction. I've finally come to the realization that, despite what may seem the obvious truth, 'saving me' from this pain is a very, very bad thing.
Wednesday night didn't just happen because I was causing an undue amount of suffering for the ones around me, but also because Laurie and I had both gone so long out of our elements that we had both pretty much lost it. In a sick sort of way, I really miss that hour of torture, because it's the only actual 'feeling' I can remember having in the past two weeks.
I have to laugh... I'm sorely tempted to just wander out into SLC and pick a fight with the nastiest person I see on the street, just for the sake of getting a wicked right hook to my face or something. Just so I can feel some sort of physical sensation other than this hazy, glued-together awareness of existence and the awful chills I get when I wake up.
I've been dreaming of blood and pain and terror every single night since my plane landed. No exceptions. I couldn't find the answer for it before, but really, it's just a sad sort of cry for help.
I haven't told her. It would hurt her too much, to know that I secretly dread sleeping in her room. And so I lie to everyone, myself included. How many sins has this caused?
It's sick how no one sees any of that. It's sick how no one else wants anything but sunshine.

I'm really messed up, aren't I?

I still don't know what to do right now.
I want to switch off this negative vibe that I'm giving off... I want to feel something other than numbness. I want the face in the mirror to match the one I see myself with, I want to make something out of my future, I want to finally live in a life that matches what I've been so desperately searching for all my life.
I want to know why every single entry I write always ends in the same way... with a recollection of my blessings, a dread acknowledgment of my trials, and a sad sort of hope for a way out.

I truly am sorry, but I'm starting to get a very frightening sort of feeling right now, and if I don't get myself away from this computer ASAP, I'll likely have a mental breakdown/shutdown. I can't expose myself to computers for very long or freaky stuff starts happening to me.

Then again, I'm kind of used to that sort of stuff by now.





Well I'm scared of my reflection
Is it mine or is it yours?
And I swear I hear the knocking
But there's no one at the door

Don't think I'm losing my perspective
'Cause I know one thing for sure
They've been watching, they've been listening
Every whisper, every word

Your sudden movements, sudden movements
Gonna give us all away
No sudden movements, sudden movements
Or they'll blow us all away

Dare I find my information
Who's the black sheep of the herd?
I am the guardian of angels
And they'll get what they deserve

So lock your children in the basement
Keep a rifle by the door
Don't be afraid of my intentions
'Cause I'm more afraid of yours

Your sudden movements, sudden movements
Gonna give us all away
No sudden movements, sudden movements
Or they'll blow us all away

 


 

 

 

pinstripes

Jun. 27th, 2010 01:55 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

It's a lie to even look at them.

I woke up at around 7 this morning, I think... got myself ready for Sunday services and seeing the MoTab... didn't speak a word on the way up. Too much on my mind, or nothing at all. I don't remember. I can only remember looking out at the mountains, and thinking how unreal everything felt.
Seeing the Tabernacle Choir was a beautiful disappointment. I'm addicted to heart-wrenching music, and the only transcendental chords were hidden in the first piece. So I sat and waited, listening to the instruments like a maniac listening to the wing flutters of a dying moth, voicelessly searching for that sound. It never came.
That took a heavy toll on me for some reason, and I spent the next 20 minutes trying to channel crystal wings before hopelessly realizing that the reflection I walked by didn't match me at all.
Sunday services were the same. There was too much talk, too many tears that I couldn't understand, too many strange bothers and too little pain. I need pain... I need contrition to feel any sort of ethereal life. That's why I like the structured mass I grew up with... it's always just slightly different enough to keep you thinking about every little word and chord and ritual, but it's similar enough to the past that my mind tends to dive deep as I sit there in those red pews. I like being in my typical church because the silence and the solemnity give me something gorgeous to hold on to. I'm supposed to be there, I want to be there, but whenever there's an interim I can just let go and see where God takes me. I couldn't find that today.

I had a priestly blessing given to me last night... it was almost cruelly sad, because every word God gave to me was a quietly loving repetition of the truths I already knew so well, so beautifully well, but was too lost and blind to realize. I've been blessed so much, ever since my childhood; those blessings are the only reason I'm alive right now. I've changed lives, I've been given an inner sight many can't even imagine, I've been given Peace herself as a lifelong muse. I've been given four angels to protect and guide me...
Trials are necessary. I know this. I've been suffering all my life, and somehow the entire time I knew that they would be beneficial in the end. Those traumatic childhood memories, those sleepless high school nights stained red with JTHM and self-sacrifice... all of them have contributed to the best parts of me right now.
That poses my problem.

Positivity does not fit with me.
"God wants me to be happy," they tell me, and I know it's true. However the sort of true happiness He's been giving me so far isn't the sunshine and flowers sort so many people think of.
Let me go off on a tangent...
I've never liked 'fun.' You know... amusement parks, recreational activities, board games, stuff like that. I had them all as a kid, but they never really worked out. I'd go to the amusement parks to ride the airborne rides, pretending I was flying along with the Jewel Monsters, but in time I lost my trust of those machines and realized the time they were stealing from me. Board games were only fun to me if I could turn them into my own creation, so to speak. I enjoyed 'Life' because I could write a theoretical future with it. I liked the mystery games because I could think about the characters and their roles. My favorite game, though, was about a unicorn and some princesses... I basically rewrote the entire plot in my head. I enjoyed creation and significance, not moving plastic pieces across a slab of cardboard for two hours. I'd go to fairs and picnics and family trips, but rarely enjoyed them and always looked forward to going home. In time I developed a crippling fear of their atmosphere... the smell of fries and funnel cakes, the loud brass music, the yellow and white lights strung overhead, the crowds of people. Even the slightest hint of that now is enough to send me spiraling into a panic. It's a carnival of senseless hedonism to me. Food, drink, and 'fun.' Screw that; I have work to do.
So I look for positive negativity, so to speak. I look for minor keys and left-eye teardrops and lonely nights and broken chandeliers. I seek out the silent streetlights and outcast souls and the empty streets drenched by rain. Those are the only things that feel real to me, and I've never really been able to explain it.

I had to borrow Mel's clothes for services this morning. Pinstripe pants and a black/white dress top. It was okay until I got about 2/3 through the Sunday service... that's when that awfully sick perception shift happened; that utterly displacing thought that I looked like a woman.
Naturally I began to freak out. As soon as I walked in Q's door I was milliseconds away from tearing the thing off and throwing on a suit, no kidding. That then led me into a train of thought that I really need to discuss, and eventually settle.
I'm sitting here in a pair of black jeans, a white Dichotomy top and a grey overjacket from the mens' section in Kohls. I mussed up my hair before the mirror so it spiked up just enough, grabbed each side of my lapel, and was for a moment comfortable with the face in the mirror. If I weren't so freaking numb lately I think I would've cried or something.
I just... I don't fit. I've never fit this face, this body, this vessel. Yeah, I need to use it as a conduit, but geez... can't I change it up a bit so I stop having breakdowns every time I walk past a mirror?
I think that's the most painful feeling in the entire world for me right now... the acutely agonizing awareness that my 'body' is not mine, that no matter where I go I will not find home, because the bones I am bound to are the wrong sort... that for now, for the length of this terrible trial, I am lost, trapped in a 5'8'' prison that tears me apart every waking moment.

Going back to our opening sentence, that's what's been going on. I don't have the nerve, the will, the right or the want to even look at Q or Mel right now. I mean, come on, these eyes feel stolen. It's a horrible feeling, you know; that no matter how genuine my soul strives to be, I will always be false, for the immediate impression I give to the world is a complete falsehood, a black lie.
I'm also still stupidly numb. Yes, yes I know I thought I was getting over it... and maybe I am; I don't know. I just can't feel anything other than this desperate, manic need to escape. And they're making it worse.
Laurie's doing okay. She's actually going back to the positive state she was in earlier this month, which makes me smile. I missed her a lot.
Too bad I can't do the same, I guess. There's that dull ache in the center of my chest again, which is completely bizarre because it's not even a physical sensation as far as I can tell. Fun fact; if you ask me if I hurt anywhere, I will most likely answer "yes" even if there's not the slightest twinge of a nerve in my body. There's just this chronic, invisible pain within me at all times, and it's impossible to describe because it requires a whole new sense to accommodate it. I'm only getting echoes of it, which is good I guess, because I think that if I took on everything I'm dimly percieving I might just die from the pain.
It's making everything really strange, too... no, I can't actively feel anything, but I can still emote, if that makes sense. I'm worried how Q and Mel are perceiving all this, but my numbness makes it feel almost 'painted on,' because there's no tangible proof of it. It's there though... well, at least I hope to God it is.

I really, really want to be a guy. I can't explain why and the mere thought of it makes me worry (probably because of the prejudice I'll face), but I still wish I were Jayce.
Why did I not realize this back when I was 12, 13, when the girls in my class showed me a magazine full of male models and asked me if I 'thought they were hot?' And all I could think of, all I could ever think of, was "I want to look like that." I wanted that so badly. I never realized what that meant. I never gave it a second thought...
Right now, I need the small changes most of all... the voice switch, the body shape change, the beard (oh man why do I want one so much), the different face and hands and impression. What I'm scared of is the 'mental change;' the thing most trans men I've seen talk about, the fear that the testosterone will somehow overwrite a vital part of my personality, especially the stereotypically 'feminine' parts like my deep-rooted compassion and empathetic needs. I don't want to shoot myself up and suddenly slide over to a stereotypical male mindset. I want to look the part just well enough, but I want to be whoever the heck I want. If I want to seriously screw around with the gender perception of everyone who sees me then so be it.
I just want to be comfortable in my own shell for once in my life. I want to look in the mirror and smile because it fits, not because I'm treating that glassy countenance as a separate individual. That's how Natalie was born and died, you know...
Also, weird realization. You know how I like andro girls and that's it? Well, I think that if I became Jayce, my focus would suddenly switch to andro guys. Heck, 4 out of 5 people would probably think I was gay the moment they saw me. Ridiculous stereotypes... but anyway, what causes such a strange homoromantic tendency with me is my severe asexual/genophobic drive. Compatibility in the 'typical' (ech) aspect can only be achieved through two members of opposite sexes. I loathe that sort of 'compatibility' more than I can say, so I think I'm unconsciously leaning the other way.
Right now, I am looking for a girlfriend for that reason. Sadly, though, I need a near-clone of me more than anything. I seem to have developed my personality output to match what I need from other people, so if I could find someone who was outwardly incredibly similar to the real me (nice, compassionate, open-minded and creative, but also punky, explorative, eccentric and a total butch), I'd be incredibly happy. I just don't know where to look, haha. I should totally take out a personal ad... "google 'spinningcannon,' ladies(?), and if you identify strongly with that individual, give me a call." Panromanticism is a major plus, haha.
Back on track, though... since becoming Jayce would make me a man (although not physically; God willing I won't have anything at all down there), hanging around with the ladies (no matter how cute they are) would make me terribly nervous, I think. Even visualizing it makes me panicky. Why? It's simple... girl + guy = downstairs junk that I DO NOT WANT. So unless I hook up with a lesbian or a dude I'm in trouble, haha. Seriously, I'd have no problem with a gay guy as long as he wasn't... well, promiscuous. Heck, I can't stand promiscuity in anyone. I just really, really like gay dudes. It's probably just because I don't like the binary or gender stereotypes at all. I'm currently pretty darn butch so there you go.

Lastly... should I change my name?
I loathe my given name; oh man, you have no freaking idea how much I detest it. I just can't decide what to change it to.
My 'true' name, Jewel W. E. Lightraye, would fit perfectly BUT once I went 'male,' I'd hit a roadblock. I still call myself 'Jayce Lytraile' (clever clever) whenever I refer to my 'future' white-haired self, but still have the mental incident here and there where people refer to me as 'Jewel' and I'm fine with it. Huh.
I just... switching legally to Jewel while still trapped in this physical hellhole would feel horribly, horribly wrong. Yeah, I'm me, but this bag of bones isn't. I'm going to need to give it a total remodeling (and maybe a custom paint job) before I can go around switching up names to fit it.
Could I get two names somehow? Haha, that would be genius. I think I'd really like that.
...Maybe Jayce would work, actually. Think about it: Jayce is the name for my physical self, and Jewel is the name for my soul. It's still me. I think I'll do that-- as soon as I decide on my two new middle names, haha!

Well, Apollo only has 50 minutes left on his battery and I left his plug at Mel's house, so I suppose I should close up for now... maybe hand this entry over to Q and Mel so they can have a bit of an idea as to what's going on with me. I don't know. It's starting to make me horribly sick, thinking of them reading this and likely treating it like they would a newspaper. Just something 'fun' to read...
...See, there we go again. I've been mentally picturing myself as Jayce this whole time, and now that I'm trying to pull myself out of 'digital reality' and back into the 3D perception of this living room, I'm getting that sickening knowledge that my trial isn't over yet and I still have to suffer this current body a while longer. God, give me strength. I trust you, and I know you know what you're doing, but... please, help me out.

Trial is necessary. Tears are vital. Suffering is needed. Pain is indispensible.
My life has been written in minor keys, in chords that make you catch your breath because they sting so sharply; their sorrowful beauty strikes your very heart.
If the sky didn't cry, there'd be no rainbows and waterfalls... it's the truth, you know.
Oh man, there we go... tiny bit of heartbreak right there. Thank you Jeff Kessel.

25 minutes left on Apollo; 3:21PM. I feel like going to sleep and doing some overtime... that or dreaming with my eyes open. I just need a strangely beautiful escape.

I'm going to try to purify my heart again, to make myself as white as I once was.
One day I'll dye my hair to match.






When I was a little boy
I didn't know what was right or wrong
I had to change my way of life
But I just couldn't win the fight
I'd let myself float off in time and hide

Another day
Another night
I lived off dreams
I thought was right
I couldn't stand being treated like
I was the only one without rights
Stood there screaming out your voice
And cried

The way you loved me
Is not always what we call love
Waiting now, beautiful pain

In the dirt and in my soil
They said they planted seeds of joy
I was unholy, born in sin
So they fed me words of lead within
Then I looked down on myself in shame
Left with the blame

The way you loved me
Is not always what we call love
Waiting now, beautiful pain

Mother, father listen up
I know these times were kind of rough
We waited for the leaders hand to guide our lives
It's kind of sad
And you just did what you thought was right
And cried

 

 

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

my dear old friends.

I haven't spoken in a long time... it's been eating away at me. Without words, I burn up.
So here I am, channeling that fire into red pixels and spitting out the truth in the process.

Family trauma, she asked. You have it?
Yes I do. I haven't said a word on it since last year... but it's there. It's gotten worse, and I need to write this down, even if it's only to look back on and say "thank GOD that's over with!"

First off, my mom got a boyfriend.
I don't even like talking about that, because the physicality and 'romantics' of her relationship make me literally sick. Regardless, she's now spending most of her time with him instead of with her family. Sadly enough we're not really fazed by it.
Q also got a girlfriend (finally).
She is... absolutely amazing. Her name is Melody, and from what I can tell, she's just as beautiful as her name suggests.
I really want to meet her one day. I'm just worried that I'll... well, I don't want to hurt her as terribly as I hurt Q.
And you all know how much I dislike being involved with typical 'relationships.'

My family is falling apart. 'A house divided against itself cannot stand...' and I'm not joking when I say that EVERYONE in that house is fighting with each other. My mother and grandmother hate each other. My grandfather is fed up with everyone. My brothers can't stand my mother, spend all their time playing video games and are all starting to become suicidal because of the monotonously painful life they're stuck in.
My father is trying to reconnect with us, as my mom is no longer screaming at him 24/7 and he's had time to mellow out, so to speak. He's also stopped drinking so much, although he has picked up smoking as a coping mechanism. I feel terribly sad for it.

My college practically threatened me with expulsion unless I temporarily 'dropped out,' because my psychological problems were causing me such traumatic problems in class that I couldn't pass ANYTHING. My GPA was dropping so sharply that they told me to shape up or ship out, and as I can't shape up unless I get my freaking surgery and less disturbing professors, I shipped the heck out.
My job is also starting to seriously eat at me. I'm starting to screw up orders daily and am almost constantly fighting back both severe self-loathing and pure anger at my customers for being so hedonistic. Why the heck do you need that much freaking food?! And then I get customers who are 'shopping today because they don't want to leave the house for the next few days.' Stop being so freaking physical.

My dysphoria has hit another high. I'm terrified that if I don't get this fixed soon I might become suicidal or horrifically abusive again. I'd rather not have to live through another 2008 now that my circumstances have only become worse.

I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm numb and tired and sick and can't even think straight right now.


See you again soon..

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)


05 May 2010 @ 12:23 pm

I just found myself playing Sonic Adventure, walking through Mystic Ruins with Amy and trying not to burst into tears. What's going on?

I've been having an awesome week, things are going well and I've been in a consistently good mood... but I'm also more emotionally fragile-- even to extremes-- than I've been in months. I don't know what's going on.



05 May 2010 @ 10:18 pm

They've found me again.
Ever since they discovered that I was the one, they've been trying to kill me. It's frightening, because they get so close, and I can't lose my light. It's all I have.

I remember when I learned that they were killing the unicorns... locking them in the windows. They were using me to lure in more. Thank God I ran.

Sometimes I see hunters on the streets. I know by the way they look at me, checking to see if I've darkened. I don't know if I have. It terrifies me.



09 May 2010 @ 02:00 am 

I looked up into the mirror and saw Johnny where I should have been.

Needless to say, I'm terrified.

 

 

09 May 2010 @ 02:07 am

She hurt me. I'm bleeding.


I'm so scared of this. Why won't she leave?

 

 

11 May 2010 @ 11:55 pm

Oh geez, heartache. This is... this is really bad.

I can't tell forgiveness from pain, either. I don't hate myself for this, not anymore; it was completely unintentional... but it hurts, it hurts so much.

Don't know whether I should laugh or cry at how ridiculous my life is sometimes. Better than being coldhearted I guess.

 

 

10 May 2010 @ 09:01 am

Ever have those days where you're so in love, that everything just hurts in some beautiful way?

Yeah. Got that right now. ♥
 

@ 09:24 am

I don't even know what you are,

and I love you more than anything I've ever seen.

 

 

11 May 2010 @ 11:58 pm

I hurt all over.

Where have I been?

 


17 May 2010 @ 10:53 pm

Why do I always feel like I'm stuck in an interim? Always between the past and the future... never truly in the present... a time-traveler forever looking for the moment they belong in.

I don't know. It's just eating at me today.



24 May 2010 @ 12:14 pm

Found a new J-Monster today, made a good deal of story progress, talked to Mel for hours, and got nose-to-nose with my neighbor's chihuahua without him trying to bite me!

And yet, despite all the good things, I still feel kind of sad. Empathy, you know.

Yes, the soul needs suffering to grow, but... sometimes it just seems way out of hand, and it hurts me terribly.

One day I'll have to tell all of my secrets too.

 

27 May 2010 @ 10:53 am

My dream last night was the closest thing to hell I've ever experienced.
It wasn't fire and brimstone, no... but dear God, if the real thing is even a fraction like that was...

I'm even scared to write it down. I don't know what to do.

 




prismaticbleed: (shatter)


SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE  LYNNE STABELLE  CHAOS ZERO  VEZERAI


 

 

Well, Laurie, here we are.

Heck yes! Let's get this done so you can finish that crazy work of yours.


It might take a while, though. I'm talking to Mel right now and praying that they're doing better.

Wait wait wait, this is about
Mel? Is that what you meant? What the hell is going on?

They're... seeing bloody things. They said they feel 'toxic' and are hearing voices like me.

...Geez. That's... not good. The last thing they need is a Laurie in their head.

That's what I said. I mean-- wait, you're not a bad thing.

Only because you got to know me, boy. You remember what it was like after I got out of that mirror... I hated you. I bloody well hated you, and nothing was going to change that. Thank God I was wrong.


Do you think maybe Mel's voices are like you in that way, then?


What, in that they might actually hate Mel? There's a good chance they might. Most voices I know are like that.

Lynne's not.

Lynne and Natalie are different; they're not voices. They're fragments. Lynne is the 'adult lifestyle' and Natalie is childhood naivete; two parts of yourself you don't understand anymore. You formed them; they didn't just shove an axe through the door frame like I did.

Lynne did just show up.

Because you completely dissociated yourself from your age back then, remember? You were standing in the back of that church and you were scared out of your fractured mind. For all technical purposes you were nothing but a frightened child, faced with some unknown horror that was about to slice your stomach open.

You.

Inevitably. And that's when your lost confidence stood up to me.

That I did.

Aha, and wouldn't you know it! How are you, my old friend?

Confused, for one. I'm not sure why you want me in here.

We need help. Thought maybe you could give some.


Well, I'll do my best. Jewel, are you okay? You don't look well.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm alright. It's not me I'm worried about.

You're always like that, Jewel.

Pfhahah! She got you good!

Eh, maybe, but the point still stands. We're here because my good friend Mel might be falling into a destructive headvoice situation or the like. I want to prevent that, so I'm gathering up you guys for insight.

Ahem.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hold on one moment...

What you listening to?

Fat Jon. Good thinking music. I, uh... hope you don't mind.


Hello.

Hey. Nah, I've gotten used to her.

Seriously? Hah, that's a shocker!

It is!


And, um, we have a new guy.

...

Ohoho, dude. Hello there.

You're not--?

Nah, we're not here to pick your brain, boy. We just need your... expertise, how you say.


On what? I don't even know you.

Heh, lucky. Name's Laurie. I'm Jewel's superego; kind of like a chronically censorious conscience.

But I thought superegos were just psychological concepts.

Yeah, most are. I'm just a lucky concept that became personified.

Vez, I thought you were terrified of psychology?

Only when it applies to analyzing me. It's better to know what I'm up against regardless.

Good point.

Well guys, let's get to work. As you may or may not know, a beloved friend of mine is having some trouble with disturbing hallucinations and headvoices. The last thing I want is for them to go through something like my 2008, so I hoped that we could work out a plan of action, or even just some advice as to what they or I should do.

What are you hoping for though, love? We can't exactly quiet their own voices.

No, but maybe we can help them manage them. You all know what Laurie was like before I befriended her.

I do indeed.

Heh...


Laurie's the... purple one, right?

Yeah, that's me. I used to be a throat-slicing, skull-splitting scourge.

Oh.

She still is sometimes.

True, but at least she's not inherently malicious now. She used to function purely on violent vengeance and hate. I don't know what's driving Mel's voices, if anything, but if it's as negative as that then I need to help them face those voices.

Can you, though? There's not much we can do outside of their own mind.

It's better to try than to just stand around helplessly.

Jewel's right. I would have never, ever stabilized if I didn't have others helping me.

You think Mel needs a Dev or a Prelude to help?

Well, I daresay Q's their peace-bringer already... I don't know if I'd fit Dev's role though.


That person's not like me; that's not going to work. They need their own people. Not mine.

Vez, don't panic. I'm just using it as an example. I apologize.


You don't know what Mel needs.

I'm trying to figure that out, Lynne.

Can you? Should you?

Please, Lynne, don't shoot me down here. I'm desperate already.

I'm not shooting you down, Jewel. I'm just trying to be logical. Your solutions may not be their solutions by a long shot.

Alright, excuse me Lynne, but shut up.


What?


Just shut up, okay? My boy's breaking his heart over this and all you can say is 'this might not work at all!' We bloody KNOW that, alright? We're just trying our best in spite of it, because hell, we might succeed after all. If you're going to drag us down, you can just as easily get up and leave.

I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm sorry if you took it that way.

Ffh.

Guys, let's back this up. Jewel, just be there for Mel if nothing else.

I am, I am... but after I almost lost Dori TWICE when I could have done something, I am not going to risk losing Mel to a hell I've barely survived myself, so help me God.

I don't blame you.


I understand. I just want you to realize that this may be entirely out of our hands.

I'm still going to take a shot. I have to. I care too much.

Mm... In that case, I'll support you without further comment. I have to admire your determination.

Geez Lynne, when did you get so... I don't know, Vulcan-esque?

I have to be the voice of reason. Jewel and Laurie are both incredibly volatile.

Doesn't mean you have to be so bloody emotionless about it.


Laurie, I-- I'm just speaking the truth.


Whatever.

Lynne, don't let her bug you. I appreciate your warning and I know it's true, but Laurie's being just as honest. We're taking this chance.

What are we doing first then? What do you need my 'expertise' for?

Well Vez, you've been through more than all of us combined, and personally I find that you and I are creepily alike sometimes.

Uh-huh.

So maybe you'd understand the hallucinating and hearing voices.


I don't hear voices, Jewel, you do. And I only hallucinate because of my PTSD.

Yeah, but I have no idea what that's like.

It's awful.


I imagine it would be..

You know what? You were saying something about Mel seeing 'bloody things.' The hell does that mean?

From what I gather, they're hitting edges of a 'Johnny phase' here and there.

Oh geez. In that case, Jewel, I don't think any of us are going to be much help. You're the only one of us with doughboys and nailbunnies.

What's a 'Johnny phase?'

It's my term for a phase when one becomes uncharacteristically violent or 'unhinged.' You remember I was in one of those for a long time in 2008.

Is that when you started absorbing Laurie?


It sure is. That was a living hell. I swear, if you do that again--

Cross my heart, Laur, I won't. I'm over the phases... I just don't want Mel to fall into one.

How do we stop that though? Like I said, Jewel, you're the only one who knows what that's like.

I have... 'phases.'


Oh dude, he's right. Heck, I AM a 'phase'! And Chaos--

I get it, I get it.

So all your 'Johnny phases' are caused by personalities other than yourself?


That seems to be the gist of it, yes.

Is that what you think Mel is dealing with?

I don't know. Maybe. Even if they don't have any 'personalities' in their mind, they could have something on the verge of turning into one. They said so themself, that the voices they hear are becoming 'more than voices' now. Maybe we can stop that, like we stopped that weird red voice that attacked me with a razor that one time, thanks to those being huge triggers.

I remember that.

 
I bloody HATED her.


What was she supposed to represent, anyway?

I think mania, like Jessica used to be depression. They're both dead now though.

So are Brianne and Missy.


Brittany, Bridget, whatever the hell she decided her name was at the moment. Haven't seen the queen bitch very often lately either, thank GOD.

I'm fighting her nonstop, Laur.

I don't understand why you still need to fight her. I thought she had nothing left to fight you with?

Oh, she finds ways. She's trying to use my kids now.


What?

Yeah, she stopped the doppelganger thing and is now creating awful false scenarios with my kids. I ignore her but I can't ignore what she's doing.

All right, that is way out of line.

It's straight-up demonic. Next time I see her she is losing her whorish face.

Calm down about that for now guys, please. I'm winning against her now and the Care Bear army is helping too. She's still my #1 problem, but this isn't about me. This is about keeping a friend from being trapped in something like this.

True... I'm still shaking, though.

Sweetheart, I'll stop her. Don't lose it.


I'll try.

Give me something else to think about, please. I'm absolutely seething right now.

Well, I figure I should currently focus on helping Mel keep those voices quiet, however that's possible. I don't know. Lynne, I know this isn't completely out of my hands, but it's tough.

I understand.

That's kind of why I called you all here. I don't know what to do, and I'm desperate. I just want to help Mel.

If you need me for anything you can always ask.


Thanks, Vez.

I heard something about a fox?

...Yeah, Mel's seeing this fox with a top hat. I think he might be the key to this, especially because he apparently hasn't quit even when Mel said the other hallucinations/etc. have died down.

Why, do you think he's the 'headvoice' behind the phases?


I have no idea. It scares me, though, because Mel said that he "knows how to solve this, but he enjoys seeing my pain." That made me think of the old Laurie.


...Yeah, you're right.

If Mel knows the fox can solve this, maybe they just need to talk to him.

It's not that easy, though. He's constantly running from them and mocking them. They haven't been able to even come near to catching him.

That's not good at all.

I know... Laurie was at least right there, close enough to touch if she wasn't busy burying an axe in my face.

That fox is definitely one of us, though. How do you catch a fox?

You set traps.

But how do you trap a fox you can't even get close to?

Send something faster after it?

Maybe. Just maybe.

That could potentially make things much worse.

That's why we need to be careful. Mel isn't me; we may be similar but their situation here is still different in it's own important ways.


But Mel still needs to catch that bloody fox.

You think so?


Lynne, it's the only option I can think of. If it knows the answers, hunt it down and make it talk.


Resorting to violence might not be the best plan of action, Laurie..

Oh, shut up. You know what I mean.

What do you think it knows?

Only Mel knows that.

Geez this is frustrating. We're going in freakin' loops.

I think we should leave it be for now, Jewel. Tell Mel what we think and let them make the decisions for themself. Ultimately, they're the only one who can conquer their problems.

True, but remember how Q helped me, and how Dev helped Vez. Without a major force of beneficial interest standing by, the fight's going to be a heck of a lot harder, maybe even impossible.

Mel doesn't have to worry about that, then.


No, thank God. They have Q and I, and hopefully others that they may not have even realized are there yet.

Guess that's all we can do for today, then.

I'm sorry I couldn't help much.

Vez, don't say that. You were a huge help.


Yeah man, you hit on some serious points. Jewel knew what he was doing bringing you here.


...Thank you.

Speaking of, thank you too, Lynne. I apologize for that mess that went on earlier.

Don't be sorry; it was my fault as well. I should have been more considerate.

Hey, at least it all worked out okay in the end.


You are such a crazy optimist.

I try.

This conversation over then?

I suppose so, why?

You have work to do, boy!

Oh geez you're right I do.

Haha, what in the world is on your to-do list now?

Jewel Monster element/attribute cataloguing. It's a LOT of work but it's awesome.

And if you don't get the hell to it I swear I will hire Revenge to do my job.

Don't hire him, he's evil.


You're being unusually pushy about Jewel's work today, Laurie. Any reasons?

Yeah, it's my bloody job to make him feel guilty for slacking off HIS job. Get to work!

I have to admit, Laurie is right. You do need to make a lot of progress on your series yet.

Part Twelve.

Pfhahahaha!

All right, all right, I'll get off and get to work. Thanks for helping, you guys.

You're welcome.

I'm glad I was able to help. I admit I miss being part of this group.


You know you do!


I, um... I love you, Chaos.

I love you too, you crazy kid. Get some sleep tonight, alright?

Yeah, you rocked out enough yesterday. Screwed up my entire freaking schedule.

Sorry.

Weren't we supposed to finish this way back there...?

Yes.

Sorry.

You guys are the worst at finishing conversations.


Okay then, you close this one up.


Already did!

 


 



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