the spectrum heart cathedral system

(CLICK FOR PART ONE)
(CLICK FOR PART TWO)


this month has been ALL ABOUT RELIGIOUS READING and so there is a rather overwhelming ton of sheer "faithpasting" in the daily entry log.

to avoid such cluttering, and to keep the visible train of thought apparent between topics and scripture study progression, we have decided to post them all into one bulk entry for the month-- or at least, as many as we can fit in here.

HOWEVER, uniquely, this month ALSO includes extensive PERSONAL COMMENTARY on most pastes. that makes this entry less of a databank and more of a sincere record of our faith journey over the past 30 days.

may God continue to guide us and bless us all together in His love.

(these entries MIGHT actually be moved into their own entries after all, ONCE we write proper commentary on them and so can stand alone. As of right now, this is just a proper bank for keeping them all together.)

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0926


VOTD= Blessed are the persecuted. Thinking about this; imagination helps IMMENSELY with getting into the right mindset
⭐CENTRAL BASED ON BEATITUDES????
"Leading up to this verse, Jesus had spoken unexpected blessings over an unlikely group: the poor in spirit, those who were mourning, the meek, those craving righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, and the peacemakers. Finally, He offered a blessing to the persecuted."

Some VITAL DISTINCTIONS=
"Now, we won't be blessed for facing the consequences of our own terrible decisions. But Jesus is saying that you will be rewarded when you are shamed, canceled, or even physically persecuted because of Him."
Are you worshipping yourself, or Christ?
You're carrying a cross-- is it alone and rightly deserved, or is it united with the innocent Christ?

"Jesus knows what it’s like to suffer for the sake of righteousness. You will be blessed for standing up for what is right, for trusting in God’s Word, and for defending those who cannot defend themselves. And when it gets hard, remember: you're not alone. The prophets before us were mocked, beaten, and even killed. Jesus’ disciples, the ones hearing these words, would also suffer and die because of their beliefs. They were persecuted for doing things differently: for loving their neighbors, fighting for sexual purity, resting on the Sabbath, and most of all, for declaring Jesus as Lord."
Those things all seem SO SIMPLE & INNOCENT, but even today people can be killed for them.
...

ttywpf= DON'T GET TIRED OF ASKING GOD FOR FORGIVENESS, BECAUSE GOD NEVER GETS TIRED OF GIVING YOU FORGIVENESS.
That staggers me. I need to sit with it.
Jonah example from KBE, too!!

ABboDfer= how to say kind things RIGHTLY. Example stunned me with its selfless encouragement.

HPCJttR= focusing on Peter's denial. "Following afar off" and "bring afraid to admit his faith" and "his zeal crushed by anxiety" etc. All very relevant. Today was Chrysostom: the inherent weakness of all men when apart from God, and how Peter was powerless in his own frightened strength UNTIL JESUS LOOKED AT HIM. That broke his heart open and saved him from further drifting.

ODE books= Saint John of the Cross suffering while praying, "I'm in hell"; JESUS IMMEDIATELY SAYS "YOU ARE IN MY HEART."
Key reflection on suffering for righteousness; ties into VOTD; even spiritual dryness & NO CONSOLATION can still be FAVORS OF GRACE!! Paradoxes of God.
Emphasis on Real Presence again, always good to think about it even more. Versus "symbol" in Protestantism; St. Paul warns this lack of discernment is BLOODGUILT??? Because in its ignorant irreverence it DOES VIOLENCE to the humility & love of Christ! It treats His HEART as "just a piece of bread," like ANY OTHER FOOD. And that is BLASPHEMOUS at the root. Immediately prayed for all who don't believe in the Real Presence because the thought of both them incurring such guilt in ignorance Jesus suffering the heartbreak OF their ignorance was unbearable.

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BIBLE STUDY

SPURGEON TIME!!! These sermons are GORGEOUS so make sure we really mull over them, AND type about them to push the points further into our heart.


First, take this, as it's beautiful =
"Oh, if some people could but believe what I am sure is true— that true religion is sanctified common-sense— that there is about the religion of Jesus Christ that which is just as practical as if our life were to be spent in keeping shop! True, it is spiritual and divine, celestial and sublime, but yet it is as accurate as if we were to be nothing but arithmeticians, calculating and estimating through all our days. There is a mathematical truthfulness about our holy faith as well as a lofty, eagle-winged aspiration."
My immediate thought was of "The Prophecy," when Gabriel offhandedly quips that math is the language of God, effectively-- "study your math, kids. Key to the universe!" I never forgot that line; it hit me so hard when I first heard it. It makes me think of Young Wizards, too, with how the language of "magic" is basically just speaking the way God speaks, in total essential Truth. There's such an elegance to both concepts, but both are also, indeed, inherently practical and absolutely sensible. The universe is a cosmos, man, it's an orderly work of art, all numbers and words, and precisely perfect down to the last atom.
...



"Jesus wept... Love made him weep: nothing else ever compelled him to tears. I do not find that all the pains he endured, even when scourged or when fastened to the cruel tree, fetched a single tear from him; but for love’s sake Jesus wept."
His Passion WAS for love of us to begin with. Even if He did shed tears during His Passion, I feel those wouldn't even have been for His physical pain, but from His suffering Heart.

"...love in Christ towards us most fitly shows itself in tears. When he thinks of what we are, and how we have become subject to death, and how sin has brought us under this bondage, since he loves us, he must weep; nay, he must die; for even his tears cannot suffice to manifest his love. Jesus must pour out his soul, not only unto tears, but unto death, that all may see how deeply he loves us."
...As someone who has not felt such a depth of emotion in years, the very shocking thought that, not only does Jesus love us THAT MUCH but also that sin is THAT PAINFUL TO GOD, is staggering. It changes everything, really, when you let it truly sink in.
...


"Jesus Christ, by what he has done, has proved his power to do anything... There is not a life which he cannot preserve. [So] I want you to believe that Christ can preserve us spiritually from death. Are we forced by our employments into the society of the ungodly? ...The Lord Jesus can cause that you shall not be injured by them. He can give you spiritual health and strength, even when you seem to be under the most deadly influences. He that opened your eyes, when you were blind, can keep you alive now that you can see. Trust in him for your final perseverance with the same unquestioning faith with which you trusted in him for the pardon of your sin. I say again, he that opened your eyes, when you were in darkness, can cause that you should not die even though the deadliest influences from the world, the flesh, and the devil, should be set in operation against you. Because he lives you shall live also. Fly to him in the time of your temptation. Cry to him in the hour of your need, and he will help you, and deliver you. You shall not die, but live and declare the works of the Lord."
I NEEDED THIS HOPE & ENCOURAGEMENT SO BADLY, THANK YOU
That fear, of corruption & confusion, is the biggest obstacle between us & Jade.
...


...I need to paste all of this. It's too relevant.

"Friend, is there laid upon your mind at this time some poor sinner who is dead in trespasses and sins? You cannot get at him. You do not know how to make him feel or think. There does not seem to be a vital spark anywhere about him, and you know not how to deal with him. Believe that the gospel is meant for such a case as this, and that the Living God, in Jesus Christ, by the Holy Spirit, can meet with this clay-cold dead heart."
...that tiny phrase means the entire world. "The Gospel is MEANT for such cases," hopeless cases, impossible cases, closed cases. The actual beautiful true and glorious Gospel is MEANT FOR US, TO SAVE EVEN US-- because it is the only thing in the entire bleeding cosmos that CAN.
..

“Oh, it is worse than that,” say you, “it is worse than that. The person I am thinking of is put out of society, and is too corrupt to be spoken with.” Yes, I know what you mean. Perhaps you speak of a fallen woman. We are always more eager to bury the fallen women than the fallen men. A man, of whom we must say with Martha, “By this time he stinketh,” may still be tolerated in society; but if it happens to be a woman that sins, they cry, “Bury her out of sight. Roll the stone to the mouth of the tomb. We never speak to her, or mention her.”  If you have an anxiety on your soul about a person who is thus shut out from society, I want you to believe that Jesus can bring out the buried and corrupt."
...oh, Julie, you held the very first pangs of this terror, didn't you?
But... the full crushing weight of this burial lies on JESSICA.
...
Remember that last line though. Do not forget that final response. Regardless of all the ugly details, "Jesus CAN bring out the buried and corrupt." The Tar and Plague are POWERLESS against Him.

THIS NEXT BIT IS ASTOUNDING =
"“Oh!” say you, “but it is not merely that the person I think of is buried away, but the case is really one which may not be described. He hath been dead four days. He has gone so far that his crime is unmentionable.” I know the case. Yet you may mention it before the Lord; in his presence no harm will come of it. I do not read in the gospel narrative of anybody being distressed by the odour when the sepulchre of Lazarus was opened. When Jesus said, “Take ye away the stone,” he knew that he had divine disinfectants ready to hand. He knew what he did. When you seek after gross sinners, prudent people say, “Well, if you go after such people as that, your own character will be injured before long!” The Lord will prevent any harm coming from it, for he can speak to the most corrupt sinner, and say, “Live,” and he shall live, and then the corruption is no more. Wherefore let us drive out of our minds the notion that any sinner is too far gone for Christ to save him. I used to hear in my youth about a “day of grace,” and about persons having "passed that day of grace"; but I do not believe it. As long as you are in this world I am bidden to preach to you, for the gospel message is to be proclaimed to every creature, and I dare not draw vain distinctions about a day of grace. If you have a disease about you that will carry you off before the clock strikes twelve to-night, I still bid you believe in the Christ of God, and live. If you are so bad in your own esteem that there never lived a worse man or a worse woman out of hell, yet still-- believe in Jesus Christ. My Lord loves to save great sinners, even as he delighted to bring from the grave the longdead Lazarus, that he might be received into the bosom of his family, to be the joy of the house, and the glory of Christ."
...

"I have not gone too far: I am sure that I have not. Nay, I could not go too far. The shoreless, bottomless love of my great Lord— I wish I had the tongues of men and angels to tell of it. You have not sinned beyond his power to save you. He is a great Saviour, a mighty Saviour, and His Precious Blood can remove ALL your death and corruption. When I think of those whom he has saved, I argue, “Could not my Lord Jesus, who opened the eyes of the blind, make these dead sinners live?” I will tell you something else. If you yourself to-night are that dead sinner, I say to you, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, “Thus saith the Lord, believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved.” “I cannot,” says one, “I am dead.” I know that you are, but if the Lord speaks to you, you will live: and he does speak to you by this voice of mine. I speak to you in His Name. Thou careless-sinner, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, consider thy ways! Thou dead sinner, in the name of Jesus, live! His Spirit has gone with the word which I have spoken. The thing is done in some who have heard me, and will be done in others who will read these words. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost, for ever and ever! Amen."

...
I feel like I've just survived a hurricane. My entire chest feels completely windblown and drenched with rain.
This sermon was a REVELATION. No wonder everyone loves this man. I knew of his good reputation and I treasured his quotations, but I never just sat and read through one of his sermons like this. And of all the ones to pick-- or rather, to have been REFERRED to me, THROUGH a quote in the Pulpit Commentary. No such thing as coincidences.
...
I want to type about this for hours. I want to print it out and tape it to the wall. I want to reread its heartfelt declarations of God's ineffably unstoppable LOVE every morning and every night. I want these illustrations of truth etched into my very bones. Et blessed cetera.

Now for the SECOND ONE

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Didn't even start and I hear Jesus say, "You [also] are my beloved, yet afflicted..  the two do not exclude each other."


"That disciple whom Jesus loved is not at all backward to record that Jesus loved Lazarus too: there are no jealousies among those who are chosen by the Well-beloved."
This is one of the most deeply moving facts about Christianity to me. I'm no longer pushed to the side in favor of another. I'll never be a "placeholder" again. I'll never be "depriving love from someone else" or "getting what belongs to them." No, in Jesus, I am ACTUALLY & FULLY LOVED AS AN INDIVIDUAL, and i am loved JUST AS MUCH AS EVERYONE ELSE. No one is a loser because of me. That fact alone is such a joyful relief I could cry.
But even more amazingly: Jesus loves all of us TOGETHER. I'm no longer isolated, excluded, rejected, or abandoned-- nor am I forbidden from loving others, held in selfish possession, treated as an exclusive property. I am PART OF A UNITED WHOLE.
And... oh I hope this doesn't sound crazy or blasphemous-- I hope that, in heaven, beloved by Jesus just as much as every soul, that... that every soul in heaven loves each other, too. I'm allowed to love other people. I get to be close to people. They won't hate me. They won't think I'm disgusting or abhorrent or freakish or bad. They will WANT to be friends with me, just as much as I want to be friends with them. They will actually like me, just as much as I like them. I know it sounds insane, but... can you imagine? EVERYONE in heaven equally beloved by God, and equally beloved of each other... all of us united in God, with God, for God, as one family. That's Paradise even just considering it. It's overwhelming. It makes my chest actually ache.
...


"“Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.” Many a time since then has that same message been sent to our Lord, for in full many a case he has chosen his people in the furnace of affliction. Of the Master it is said, “himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses,” and it is, therefore, no extraordinary thing for the members to be in this matter conformed to their Head."
WE WERE JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS. I wish I remembered the context because it was key.
Nevertheless, as His Mystical Body, we are PRIVILEGED to share HIS sufferings, those of His salvific Passion. 
Seriously, that is AMAZING.
...

"We need not be astonished that the man whom the Lord loves is sick, for he is only a man. The love of Jesus does not separate us from the common necessities and infirmities of human life. Men of God are still men. The covenant of grace is not a charter of exemption from consumption, or rheumatism, or asthma. The bodily ills, which come upon us because of our flesh, will attend us to the tomb, [and] those whom the Lord loves are the more likely to be sick, since they are under a peculiar discipline. It is written, “Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth(!) every son whom he receiveth.” Affliction of some sort is one of the marks of the true-born child of God, and it frequently happens that the trial takes the form of illness... Nor is it remarkable that we are sick if we reflect upon the great benefit which often flows from it to ourselves... many a disciple of Jesus would have been of small use if he had not been afflicted. Strong men are apt to be harsh, imperious, and unsympathetic, and therefore they need to be put into the furnace, and melted down. I have known Christian women who would never have been so gentle, tender, wise, experienced, and holy if they had not been mellowed by physical pain. There are fruits in God’s garden as well as in man’s which never ripen till they are bruised. Young women who are apt to be volatile, conceited, or talkative, are often trained to be full of sweetness and light by sickness after sickness, by which they are taught to sit at Jesus’ feet. Many have been able to say with the psalmist, “It is good for me to have been afflicted, that I might learn thy statutes.” For this reason even such as are highly favoured and blessed among women may feel a sword piercing through their hearts."
SHEESH WOW OKAY, GOING STRAIGHT FOR THE JUGULAR HERE
(btw that is exactly the kind of impetuous talk he was referring to. we have an ingrained habit and its honestly a humiliating curse)
...


There's some heavy gold in this one.
"Oftentimes this sickness of the Lord’s loved ones is for the good of others. Lazarus was permitted to be sick and to die, that by his death and resurrection the apostles might be benefited. His sickness was “for the glory of God.” Throughout these nineteen hundred years which have succeeded Lazarus’ sickness all believers have been getting good out of it, and this afternoon we are all the better because he languished and died. The church and the world may derive immense advantage through the sorrows of good men: the careless may be awakened, the doubting may be convinced, the ungodly may be converted, the mourner may be comforted through our testimony in sickness; and if so, would we wish to avoid pain and weakness? Are we not quite willing that our friends should say of us also “Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick”?"
...I think that is, ultimately, the real secret as to why we inexplicably crave more acute suffering, disease, & infirmity. Yes there is obviously a sick yet suffering pride tangled up in it, just like with trauma. "If I suffer more will I finally be worthy of comfort, of pity, of love? How much more must I endure before I will metit to be treated with kindness?" That's admittedly half of it.
The other half is flat-out "I want to suffer so I can be GOOD."
I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to be a strain on people’s schedules or a drain on their finances. I don't want to hurt people even more by being sick. BUT I do want to be sick because intuitively I know it drives me closer to God.
...That's a secret factor as to why the bulimia went on so long. It consistently dragged me towards Him, if only as a dying wretch begging for mercy.
...
None today was all about this, too, the suffering for the benefit of others.
It struck me that JOB became this, by the amazing grace of God. He suffered atrocious pain although he was innocent, even righteous-- and yet, his pain became not only a powerfully raw & honest testimony of God's glory and hope recorded for centuries of believers, but also a foreshadowing of JESUS'S sufferings! And Job had no clue, and God said it was not for him to know. NO ONE at the time would've even guessed that his ordeal would have such far-reaching benevolent consequences, especially the graces it eventually would give to literal millions.
..


"Let us keep up a constant correspondence with our Lord about everything. “Sing a hymn to Jesus, when thy heart is faint; Tell it all to Jesus, comfort or complaint.” Jesus knows all about us, but it is a great relief to pour out our hearts before him... In all trouble send a message to Jesus, and do not keep your misery to yourself. In His case there is no need of reserve, there is no fear of his treating you with cold pride, or heartless indifference, or cruel treachery. He is a confidant who never can betray us, a friend who never will refuse us."
...I was just grieving this morning that, although I pray for hours every day & go to daily Mass & read Scripture constantly... I still don't feel like I know Jesus as a person, as a friend. There's still no intimacy, no comfortable closeness. That scares me, more than anything else.
...Is it because I still see Him as a taskmaster, demanding more shows of obesiance, more recitations, more proofs of submission? Is it because I constantly feel the guillotine above my neck and see His Hand always grasping the rope? Where is my concept of God as Father? Where is my concept of Christ as Shepherd?
Am I secretly MORE afraid of tender softness than cold brutality?
Why am I so genuinely scared of being friends with Jesus? Do I really fear my own infectuous ugliness that much?
...


Oh man here's a perspective i always miss.
"There is this fair hope about telling Jesus, that he is sure to support us under it. If you go to Jesus, and ask, “Most gracious Lord, why am I sick? I thought I was useful while in health, and now I can do nothing; why is this?” he may be pleased to show you why, or, if not, he will make you willing to bear his will with patience without knowing why. He can bring his truth to your mind to cheer you, or strengthen your heart by his presence, or send you unexpected comforts, and give you to glory in your afflictions... not in vain do any seek his face. Remember, too, that Jesus may give healing. It would not be wise to live by a supposed faith, and cast off the physician and his medicines, any more than to discharge the butcher, and the tailor, and expect to be fed and clothed by faith; but this would be far better than forgetting the Lord altogether, and trusting to man only. Healing for both body and soul must be sought from God."
JESUS IS WILLING TO HEAL, NOT JUST HURT.
It sounds terrible to admit that THAT is how I feel, doesn't it?
I still assume His default response to me is "no."
...


I feel oddly resentful and painfully confused that I don't know if this applies to me or not, which is why I'm pasting it=
"I will close with A QUESTION— “Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus”— does Jesus in a special sense love you? Alas, many sick ones have no evidence of any special love of Jesus towards them, for they have never sought his face, nor trusted in him. Jesus might say to them “I never knew you,” for they have turned their backs upon his blood and his cross. Answer, dear friend, to your own heart this question, “Do you love Jesus?” If so, you love him because he first loved you. Are you trusting him? If so, that faith of yours is the proof that he has loved you from before the foundation of the world, for faith is the token by which he pledges his word to his beloved.
If Jesus loves you, and you are sick, let all the world see how you glorify God in your sickness. Let friends and nurses see how the beloved of the Lord are cheered and comforted by him. Let your holy resignation astonish them, and set them admiring your Beloved, who is so gracious to you that he makes you happy in pain, and joyful at the gates of the grave. If your religion is worth anything it ought to support you now, and it will compel unbelievers to see that he whom the Lord loveth is in better case when he is sick than the ungodly when full of health and vigour.
If you do not know that Jesus loves you, you lack the brightest star that can cheer the night of sickness... Seek his face at once, and it may be that your present sickness is a part of the way of love by which Jesus would bring you to himself."
...
...I feel like all my suffering is moral. I feel like I'm only in internal agony as a feedback loop of my own incorrigible evil.
I feel jealous of the disabled & diseased, as if their conditions were badges of God's approval, great boons of virtue, proofs of extraordinary graces. They were on the highway to heaven, as I sit here boiling alive in isolated hell.
...what am I even suffering so much from???


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"The ephemeral insect, born in the morning and dead when the day fades, has a still minuter scale than ours, but we should not think of regulating our estimate of long and short by it. Do not let us commit the equal absurdity of regulating the march of His providence by the swift beating of our timepieces. God works leisurely because God has eternity to work in."
Celebi's face turned BRIGHT RED at that, haha. GOOD.

"The principle which we have been illustrating applies only to one half-- and that the less important half-- of our prayers and of Christ’s answers. For in regard to spiritual blessings, and our petitions for fuller, purer, and diviner life, there is no delay. In that region the law is not ‘He abode still two days in the same place,’ but ‘Before they call I will answer, and while they are yet speaking I will hear.’  If you have been praying for deeper knowledge of God, for lives liker His, for hearts more filled with the Spirit, and have not had the answer, do not fall back upon the misapplication of such a principle as this of my text, which has nothing to do with that region; but remember that the only reason why good people do not immediately get the blessings of the Christian life for which they ask lies in themselves, and not at all in God. ‘Ye have not, because ye ask not. Ye ask and have not, because’-- not because He delays, but because-- ’ye ask amiss,’ or because, having asked, you get up from your knees and go away, not looking to see whether the blessing is coming down or not. Ah! there is a sad amount of lying and hypocrisy in prayers for spiritual blessings. Many petitioners do not want to have them. They would not know what to do with them if they got them. They make the requests because their fathers did so before them, and because these are the 'right kind of things' to say in a prayer. Such prayers get no answers. If a man prays for some spiritual enlargement, and then goes out into the world and lives clean contrary to his prayers, what right has he to say that God delays His answers? No, He does not delay His answers, but we push back His answers, and the gift that IS given we will not take. Let us remember that the two halves of the divine dealings are not regulated by the same principle, though they be regulated by the same motive; and that the love which often delays for our good, in regard to the desires that have reference to outward things, is swift as the lightning to answer every petition which moves within the circle of our spiritual life.
‘Whatsoever things ye desire, when ye stand praying, believe that’ then and there ‘ye receive them’; and the undelaying God will take care that ‘you shall have them.’"
...
...This is everything I'm struggling with. Everything. The language is so precisely applicable it's actually painful. Thank God.
...
.. I don't believe that God wants to help me.
There, I said it. It's horrible. It’s honest. I still see Him as being so profoundly angry with me, for my insolent stubborn distracted presumptuous stupidity, that He is PURPOSELY WITHHOLDING His graces to PUNISH ME, as if I'm being EXCOMMUNICATED. "You don't deserve such good things; you'd only ruin them & waste them! Let them go to someone WORTHY, not an arrogant dunce like you." Et cetera.
...Why do I hear that in a female voice?
I never hear a male parental voice, good or bad, it seems. Its just angry, spiteful, cruel women.
...

In any case I'm blinding myself.
If God IS offering those very virtues in response TO my feeble prayers, the very offer is so incredible & terrifying-- I don't deserve THAT, I'm so evil-- is stopping me from accepting. How nightmarishly ironic.
God i need help. I need grace to get over that hurdle. I CANNOT do it by myself.


"He that believes on Jesus, and he only, truly lives, and his union with Jesus secures his possession of that eternal life, which victoriously persists through the apparent, superficial change which men call death. Nothing dies but the death which surrounds the faithful soul. For it to die is to live more fully, more triumphantly, more blessedly. So though the act of physical death remains, its whole character is changed. Hence the New Testament euphemisms for death are much more than euphemisms. Men christen it by names which drape its ugliness, because they fear it so much, but Faith can play with Leviathan, because it fears it not at all."
God that is a point blank shot to the heart.


"Our Lord says three things. First, He asserts His supernatural character and divine relation to life: ‘I am the Resurrection and the Life.’ Next, He declares that it is possible for Him to communicate to dying and to dead men a life which triumphs over death, and laughs at change, and persists through the superficial experience which we christen by the name of Death, unaffected, undiminished... And then He declares that the condition on which He, the Life-giver, gives of His immortal life to dying men, is their trust in Him. These three-- His character and work, the gifts of which His hands are full, and the way by which the gifts may be appropriated by us men-- these three are, as I take it, the central facts of Christianity. ‘Believest thou this?’"
This suddenly hit home WHAT it means to "believe in Him" TO have eternal life. It means we TRUST that He IS it, He CAN give it and He WILL.
I had never considered that last part. WE DON'T "DO" ANYTHING BUT TRUST.



Okay, NO MORE PASTING FOR TONIGHT. I will end up pasting his entire commentary because it's just that edifying.
Read it instead. Focus on HEARING it, NOT on your response.


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0927


ALL devotionals today are focused on POVERTY & FAITH.
And then the EDE devotionals were all about the extreme fervor & asceticism of Saint Catherine of Siena, who used to be our ROLE MODEL for "sacred starvation"... the great ideal of "anorexia mirabilis." We STILL want that SO BADLY. We don't want to eat ANYTHING BUT GOD. it's not even about being thin. It's about being PURE.

...is that wrong?

...Just how much does God want us to sacrifice, to abandon, to destroy?
How much is taking it too far? Is that even possible? Or is it an excuse?
We could donate 80% of our clothes. We could eat even less food I'm sure. We can give all our prayer books & Chaplets to the church. We can donate all our secular books & movies, no matter what affectionate memories of childhood they preserve. We can stop listening to music, we can delete all our online accounts, we can sell our instruments & art supplies... there's so much we CAN eliminate.
Except... Tatiana tried this. You all remember what happened.
Her goal was to destroy everything but prayer and food-- using the latter to fuel the former, and spending countless hours lost in both, with no sense of future or past, let alone of selfhood.
If we get rid of EVERYTHING but our rosary, Bible, & prayer cards, and spend ~10 hours a day in prayer, minimum, is that too much?

What I'm really afraid of is how this is feeding the self-annihilatory suicidal tendencies.  A very old and very loud part of our psyche wants to destroy us completely-- for religious reasons.  This is the part that wants to be united to God, Because she wants to be completely Absorbed in God-- for selfhood & individuality & even consciousness to be DESTROYED.
...but the EDE devotional just CRUSHED THAT for her, and for us, and... ironically, that was just as terrifying as the demand to total blind helpless dependence.
"Neither the light nor the presence of the Word, whom in spirit you saw in this whiteness, took away the whiteness of the bread. Nor did the one stand in the way of the other. I did not block your sight either of me, God and human, in that bread, or of the bread itself. Neither the whiteness nor the feel nor the taste was taken away from the bread."
WE WILL STILL EXIST AS A PERSON IN HEAVEN. WE WON'T BE DELETED & REPLACED WITH JESUS. WE WILL COEXIST IN A COMMUNICATIVE UNITY THAT REQUIRES OUR UNIQUE SELFHOOD TO HAPPEN AT ALL.
...

We're missing the point.
Is this gleefully desperate compulsive destruction in the name of religion ACTUALLY STRENGTHENING OUR FAITH IN GOD?????
...

...Ironically, I think in ALL of that, WE'RE STILL "DOING IT OURSELF." Even in trying to make "room for God," we're not asking HIS advice OR APPROVAL to our methods.
We're not acting out of grace.

...
BOTH Youversion devotionals were reassuring= Psalm 30:5 & James 1:5.
1 Peter 1 was up in our app (someone earmarked it) and... it's exactly what we needed to read. Thank You God.
Its SUCH a beautiful chapter. It's full of reassurance and staggering beauty, profound spiritual truths, and vital warnings. It's honestly a goldmine of a letter. Thank you Saint Peter!


BIBLE STUDY  =

I cannot stop thinking about these questions from last night's study.
"’'God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish’-- ’believest thou this?’
‘The Son of Man came . . . to give His life a ransom for many’-- ’believest thou this?’
‘Being justified by faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ’-- 'believest thou this?’"
I swear those few sentences alone are CHANGING MY ENTIRE LIFE.
What's REALLY going to change my life is reflecting on that entire original paragraph WORDED IN FIRST PERSON.
"God so loved ME that He gave His only begotten Son"... etc. THAT'S what drives the truth home. Generalities, however true, miss the sharpest point. You can intellectually agree to an "everyone" statement while unconsciously excluding yourself FROM "everyone"... which I instinctively do. But for Jesus to look AT ME and say, "I came into this world to give My Life as a ransom for yours," is so heart-piercingly intimate that it cannot be denied.
...


The IMMEDIATE consequences of this, and Googling Romans 5:
Reading technical Wikipedia articles on Catholic doctrine is actually doing WONDERS for my sanity, haha.
I might have to specifically do this daily. Jumping around won't help comprehension though; I must make a reading plan.
EVEN BETTER though would be reading the CATECHISM, the CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA and the BACE VISIONS.
Scripture study IS essential, BUT I'm getting mostly Protestant commentary, with NO doctrinal clarity, and an upsetting amount of "anti-papist" references. So I must take great care to have SOLID FOOTING in genuine Catholic dogma-- all the more essential to me as we were very poorly catechized.

Notably FINALLY learning a little bit about WHAT the differences in beliefs concerning the Atonement & justification are!

"In Catholic doctrine, righteousness is infused, i.e., God "pours" grace into one's soul or, "fills" one with his grace more and more over time... God bestows justifying righteousness upon the sinner in such a way that it becomes part of his or her person. As a result, this righteousness, although originating outside the sinner, becomes part of him or her... and their own resulting "righteousness in the flesh" becomes subsumed into God's righteousness."
"Faith is shown through charity and good works, through keeping the commands of Christ, regular confession and penance, and receiving the sacraments, and this faith justifies sinners... anyone who has been justified will produce good works as a product of faith, as a result of God's grace in sanctification."
"The Catholic Church rejects the notion of total depravity: they hold that, even after the Fall, human nature, though wounded in the natural powers proper to it, has not been totally corrupted."
THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU YET BUDDY

A segue back into MacLaren...
"Dear brethren, do you trust in ‘this,’ which you say you believe? ...the conviction of these truths [must become] so deep in your hearts that it moves your whole nature to cast yourselves on Jesus Christ as your Saviour and your all. That is the belief to which alone the life that is promised here will come."
Remember that always. This knowledge of God I am so fervently seeking is hollow unless it is LOVED AND LIVED, and that resultant absolute heartfelt embodiment of this gracious faith is LITERALLY LIFE OR DEATH.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Martha had to believe that Christ was the Resurrection and the Life as a condition precedent to her seeing that He was so. For, as He said Himself before He spoke the mighty word which raised Lazarus, ‘Said I not unto thee that if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?’ and so her faith was the condition of her being able to verify the facts which her faith grasped. [In essence,] a man gets from Christ what he trusts Christ to give him, and there is no other way of proving the truth of His promises than by accepting His promises, and then they fulfil themselves. You cannot know that a medicine will cure you till you swallow it. You must first ‘taste’ before you ‘see that God is good.’ Faith verifies itself by the experience it brings. And what does it bring? ...All for which a man trusts Christ. All is summed up in that one favourite word of our Lord as revealed in this fourth Gospel, which includes in itself everything of blessedness and of righteousness-- life, life eternal."
NOT SEMPITERNAL, because my Wikipedia browsing taught me THERE IS A KEY DIFFERENCE!!! Sempiternal is "eternity of duration"-- the common (mis)understanding of "eternal life" as simply "life that goes on forever," or "immortality" as humans seek it. BUT. REAL "eternal life", as Christ gives and IS Himself, exists OUTSIDE OF TIME.
...
But I digress. That's not the main point here.
The key point here is that WE CAN ONLY KNOW GOD BY FAITH. Whether by seeing or tasting or experiencing, if we don't believe, we won't receive. If we don't trust Christ to give, we won't get anything-- solely because we ourselves have denied that outcome. I think i alluded to this yesterday in my own pained reflections.
...
PROVED BY ACCEPTING; GOTTEN BY TRUSTING, SEEING BY BELIEVING, FACTS BY FAITH


THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT =
"Think of the direct personal appeal to every soul that lies in this question [of Christ's]: the intensely personal act of your own faith, by which alone Jesus Christ can be of any use to you... Do not suppose that any [external person or thing] can do for you what you have to do in the awful solitude of your own determining will-- put out your own hand and grasp Jesus Christ. Can any person or thing be the condition or channel of spiritual blessing to you, except in so far as your own individual act of trust comes into play? You must take the bread with your own hands, you must chew it with your own teeth, you must digest it with your own organs, before it can minister nourishment to your blood and force to your life. And so there is only one way by which any man can come into any vital and life-giving connection with Jesus Christ, and that is, by the exercise of his own personal faith... the exercise of uniting trust in Jesus Christ is exclusively your own affair."

"No crowds come between you and Jesus Christ. You and He, the two of you, have, so to speak, the world to yourselves, and straight to you comes this question, ‘Believest thou?’ Ah! brethren, that habit of skulking into the middle of the multitude, and letting the most earnest appeal from the pulpit go diffused over the audience is the reason why you sit there quiet, complacent, perhaps wholly unaffected by what I am trying to make a pointed, individual address. Suppose all the other people in this place of worship were away but you and I, would not the word that I am trying to speak come with more force to your hearts than it does now? Well, think away the world and all its millions, and realise the fact that you stand in Christ’s presence, with all His regard concentrated upon you, and that to thee individually this question comes from a gracious, loving Heart, which longs that you answer, ‘Yea, Lord, I believe!’ Why should you not? Suppose you said to Him, ‘No, Lord, I do not’; and suppose He said, ‘Why do you not?’ what do you think you would say then? You will have to answer it one day, in very solemn circumstances, when all the crowds will fall away, as they do from a soldier called out of the ranks to go up and answer for mutiny to his commanding officer. ‘Every one of us shall give an account of himself,’ and the lips that said so lovingly at the grave of Lazarus, ‘Believest thou this?’ and are saying it again, dear friend, to you, even through my poor words, will ask it once more. For this is the question the answer to which settles whether we shall stand at His right hand or at His left. Say now, with humble faith, ‘Yea, Lord!’ and you will have the blessing of them who have not seen, and yet have believed."
LIKE MARTHA DID.
...
Geez but WHAT A SERMON. I genuinely feel like it was DIRECTED IMMEDIATELY TOWARDS ME FROM GOD. Like I feel an actual impact in my chest.




"He [kept] Himself apart from the noisy crowd of conventional mourners whose presence affronted the majesty and sanctity of sorrow... The Life-bringer keeps apart. His comforts are spoken in solitude. He reverenced grief... If [the mourners with Mary] had had any real sympathy or perception, they would have stayed where they were, and let the poor burdened heart find ease in lonely weeping. But, like all vulgar souls, they had one idea-- never to leave mourners alone or let them weep."
This is the first time I've ever heard a sympathetic perspective to mine concerning sorrow. I want to say that with humble gratitude & grief, not pride or condemnation. But it hurts old wounds.
...
It also explains a little why I struggle to "act properly" when others around me are sad? I feel like I SHOULD leave them alone, AS DEEP RESPECT. Its what I would want done for me!!



"His question as to the place of the tomb is not what we should have expected; but its very abruptness indicates effort to suppress emotion, and resolve to lose no time in redressing the grief. Most sweetly human are the tears that start afresh after the moment’s repression, as the little company begin to move towards the grave. And most sadly human are the unsympathetic criticisms of His sacred sorrow. Even the best affected of the bystanders are cool enough to note them as tokens of His love, at which perhaps there is a trace of wonder; while others snarl out a sarcasm which is double-barrelled, as casting doubt on the reality either of the love or of the power. ‘It is easy to weep, but if He had cared for him, and could work miracles, He might surely have kept him alive.’ How blind men are! ‘Jesus wept,’ and all that the lookers-on felt was astonishment that He should have cared so much for a dead man of no importance, or carping doubt as to the genuineness of His grief and the reality of His power. He shows us His pity and sorrow still-- to no more effect with many."
If he had healed him there would have been no chance to show such deep grief and love,  And by so doing reveal and even deeper part of God's heart.


This phrase is so beautifully worded:
"...it makes the immediate occasion of the embittered hostility which finally precipitates the catastrophe of the Cross."

"Of course it is impossible for us to attempt, even in the most cursory manner, to go over the whole. We must content ourselves with dealing with one or two of the salient points."
A VERY RELEVANT CHASTISEMENT FOR YOU


"What caused the indignation? ...He saw, in the one individual case, the whole genus. He saw the whole mass represented there, the ocean in the drop, and He looked beyond the fact and linked it with its cause. And as there rose before Him the reality of man’s desolation through sin, and the thought that all this misery, loss, pain, parting, death, was a contradiction of the divine purpose, and an interruption of God’s order, and that it had all been pulled down upon men’s desperate heads by their own evil and their own folly, there rose in His heart the anger which is part of the perfectness of humanity when it looks upon sorrow linked by adamantine chains with sin. But the lightning of the wrath dissolved soon into the rain of pity and of sorrow, and, as we read, ‘Jesus wept.’ Looking upon the weeping Mary and the lamenting crowd, and Himself feeling the pain of the parting from the friend whom He loved, the tears, which are the confession of human nature that it is passing through an emotion too deep for words, came to His all-seeing eyes... "
DIVINE WRATH AND COMPASSION BOTH OCCURRING AND COEXISTING IN LOVE.
...

"There is the revelation of Christ as our Brother, by emotion and sorrow... the blessed sign and proof of His true brotherhood with us [is seen in] how He was ‘bone of our bone, and flesh of our flesh,’ in that He hungered and thirsted and slept, and was wearied; how He was man, reasonable soul and human spirit, in that He grieved and rejoiced, and wondered and desired, and mourned and wept. And so we can look upon Him, and feel that this in very deed is One of ourselves, with a spirit participant of all human experiences, and a heart tremulously vibrating with every emotion that belongs to man... He is represented by the Evangelist not so much as suppressing as fostering, [His holy emotions.]"
I think that my odd & concerning difficulty with truly embracing the fact of Christ as human is Because... I don't embrace my own humanity. This list scares me, deep down. I reject so much of it; like in my cyberpunk days, I have a subtle deathwish to become roboticized? Cast off emotion, softness, filth, etc... it's devilish. I'm so sorry.
I need to practice this list. Lord be my example and my helper.
...I also need to remember that accurate clarification about Jesus NOT SUPPRESSING His emotions in a different sense here-- not just because they were so perfectly under His rule... but also because He did not deny His humanity when those pure emotions of His were naturally elicited. He never "shut off" His feelings.
...

"Here we are also taught the sanction and the limits of sorrow. Christianity has nothing to do with the false Stoicism and the false religion which is partly pride and partly insincerity, that proclaims it wrong to weep when God smites. But just as clearly and distinctly as the story before us says to us, ‘Weep for yourselves and for the loved ones that are gone,’ so distinctly does it draw the limits within which sorrow is sacred and hallowing, and beyond which it is harmful and weakening. Set side by side the grief of these two poor weeping sisters, and the grief of the weeping Christ, and we get a large lesson. They could only repine that something else had not happened differently which would have made all different. ‘If Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.’ One of the two sits with folded arms in the house, letting her sorrow flow over her pained head. Martha is unable, by reason of her grief, to grasp the consolation that is held out to her; her sorrow has made the hopes of the future seem to her very dim and of small account, and she puts away ‘Thy brother shall rise again’ with almost an impatient sweep of her hand. ‘I know that he will rise in the resurrection at the last day. But oh! that is so far away, and what I want is present comfort.’ Thus oblivious of duty, murmuring with regard to the accidents which might have been different, and unfitted to grasp the hopes that fill the future, these two have been hurt by their grief, and have let it overflow its banks and lay waste the land. But this Christ in His sorrow checks His sorrow that He may do His work; in His sorrow is confident that the Father hears; in His sorrow thinks of the bystanders, and would bring comfort and cheer to them. A sorrow which makes us more conscious of communion with the Father who is always listening, which makes us more conscious of power to do that which He has put it into our hand to do, which makes us more tender in our sympathies with all that mourn, and swifter and readier for our work-- such a sorrow is doing what God meant for us; and is a blessing in so thin a disguise that we can scarcely call it veiled at all."
SORROW CAN DO ALL THOSE THINGS??
I'm honestly stunned. I always see sorrow and crying as selfish petulant dramatic emptiness, even when I DO feel something deep down that triggers the action. But... that's "false religion"; it's a remnant of childhood rebukes; it's cold and cruel pride is all. It's toxic.
I genuinely want to go through this one line by line, thoroughly.


"There is the revelation in this emotion of the Master’s, of a personal love that takes individuals to His heart, and feels all the sweetness and the power of friendship. That personal love is open to every one of us, and into the grace and the tenderness of it we may all penetrate. ‘The disciple whom Jesus loved’ is the Evangelist who, without jealousy, is glad to tell us that the same loving Lord took into the same sanctuary of His pure heart, Mary and Martha, and her brother. That which was given to them was not taken from him, and they each possessed the whole of the Master’s love. So for every one of us that heart is wide open, and you and I, brethren, may contract such personal relations to the Master that we shall live with Christ as a man with his friend, and may feel that His heart is all ours."
...I remember agonizing over this very topic last night. No coincidences.
...


"properly speaking, in miracles there is no distinction as to the greatness of the fact,"
I want to really grasp the weight of this.
I have to start by clarifying: What is a miracle?
But even besides dictionary terms, consider the Bible. Compare the miracles, then consider that in truth, they are no less great than each other. That is astonishing.
...


"The miracle shows Him as Lord of Death and Giver of Life."
...

"The miracle teaches another lesson, namely, the continuous persistency of the bond between Christ and His friend, unbroken and untouched by the superficial accident of life or death. Wheresoever Lazarus was he heard the voice, and wheresoever Lazarus was he knew the voice, and wheresoever Lazarus was he obeyed the voice. And so we are taught that the relationship between Christ our life, and all them that love and trust Him, is one on which the tooth of death that gnaws all other bonds in twain hath no power at all. Christ is the Life, and, therefore, Christ is the Resurrection, and the thing that we call death is but a film which spreads on the surface, but has no power to penetrate into the depths of the relationship between us and Him."
...Make sure your relationship HAS depth, then.
I'm struck by that insight about Lazarus.


" ‘The hour is coming when all that are in the graves shall hear His voice and shall come forth.’ My brother! there be two resurrections in that one promise: the resurrection of Christ’s friends and the resurrection of Christ’s foes. And though to both His voice will be the awakening, some shall rise to joy and immortality and ‘some to shame and everlasting contempt.’ You will hear the voice; settle it for yourselves whether when He calls and thou answerest thou wilt say, ‘Lo! here am I,’ joyful to look upon Him; or whether thou wilt rise reluctant, and ‘call upon the rocks and the hills to cover thee, and to hide thee from the face of Him that sitteth upon the Throne.’"
PART OF ME IS STILL THAT SECOND ONE. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MY SINS AND MY PAST, AS WELL AS MY CURRENT COLDNESS & STUPID PRIDE, THAT I AM AFRAID TO FACE GOD UNDER THE WEIGHT OF MY EVIL... FORGETTING THAT CHRIST DIED ON THE CROSS TO WASH IT ALL AWAY IN HIS BLOOD AND REDEEM ME FROM THE CRUSHING DEBT OF GUILT.
My biggest fatal flaw is my lack of truly trusting apprehension & hope in the Atonement. WHY?????
THIS IS WHY I NEED TO READ & REFLECT ON IT SO MUCH MORE. I never properly understood it to begin with. That MUST change OR I WILL LITERALLY DIE!!!!!!!!!!
...am I actually His foe in some sense, if that unbearable shame lingers so badly? I WANT to look upon Him, to run to Him with open arms and embrace Him forever with all the saints, worshipping Him in the Trinity for all eternity, but... oh Lord I'm such a scumbag, even now. I'm not worthy to look at you and I could weep forever if my heart wasn't so numb from the fear.
...


"even as Christ was the life of this Lazarus, so, in a deeper and more real sense, and not in any shadowy, metaphorical, mystical sense, is Jesus Christ the life of every spirit that truly lives at all. We are ‘dead in trespasses and sins.’ For separation from God is death in all regions, death for the body in its kind, death for the mind, for the soul, for the spirit in their kinds; and only they who receive Christ into their hearts do live. Every Christian man is a miracle. There has been a true coming into the human of the divine, a true supernatural work, the infusion into a dead soul of the God-life which is the Christ-life. And you and I may have that life. What is the condition? ‘They that hear shall live.’ Do you hear? Do you welcome? Do you take that Christ into your hearts? Is He your Life, my brother? It is possible to resist that voice, to stuff your ears so full of clay, and worldliness, and sin, and self-reliance as that it shall not echo in your hearts. ‘The hour is coming, and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of Man, and they that hear shall live,’ and obtain to-day ‘a better resurrection’ than the resurrection of the body. If you do not hear that voice, then you will ‘remain in the congregation of the dead.’"
...the terror always haunts me.
DO I hear that Voice?
In any case, it is good to have this holy fear. It prevents complacency. I must constantly ask myself these questions-- BUT WITHOUT DEFAULTING TO THE NEGATIVE OUT OF FEAR!!!!!! The goal is to be able to say, "by the grace of God, I WILL!"
...Is that pride? Is that presumptuous? Is it sinful to EVER claim or assume that I'm actually doing what God wants? I feel so hopeless. I genuinely believe that, if I had the gall to claim "yes, I DO hear His Voice!" That God Himself would STOP SPEAKING TO ME as PUNISHMENT for daring to exalt myself so much. "Oh, you think you're so holy & good? Think again. I'll teach you just how sinful you really are, how INCAPABLE you are of doing good at ALL. I'll humiliate you, to teach you your place, and it will be for MY GLORY."
...That's apparently how I think God thinks of me. Ironically I KNOW that's not His voice, in those indignant sentences. But I still fear that exact response, every single time.
...What IS His true response, though, if NOT that?
I'll have to get into a prayerful enough state of heart to actually pick up the Godphone, as it were... but really that's not as accurate as saying the "Spirit Radio." Right now I'm picking up low frequencies, I can feel it. But if my frequency moves up higher... I'll pick up His sweet and beautiful Voice from the very air.
...I think that’s a good sign, and a small answer, in and of itself. Thank You God.

I know I'm bad. But I CAN be so much better, and I WANT to be. Lord please, change me into a good person, day by day.


"Like all weak men, they feel that ‘something must be done’ and are perfectly unable to say what."
I can sadly attest to this flaw. Deep down you KNOW what must be done, but you are cowardly, proud, unwilling to admit it-- because then you'd HAVE to make the change, and you are not ready, because you are not willing to suffer the struggle.
...This is why Laurie is vital to our System.
This is WHY WE NEED TO START ACTUALLY JOURNALING AGAIN.
Together, we can get the guts to admit what must be done, and to start the work.
...Do we actively recognize and admit the central role of GRACE in the process though?


Furthermore =
"Their fear is not patriotism nor religion. It is pure self-interest... And so, at this supreme moment, big with the fate of themselves and of their nation, their whole anxiety is about personal interests. They hesitate, and are at a loss what to do."
Selfishness ironically breeds great fear, because it is unwilling to suffer or sacrifice. THAT is a HUGE part of why true Christians are truly invincible-- our Savior has made the Cross our sign of victory. We have been crucified WITH Him, and are so liberated from selfishness, freed from the world to live for God, Who is Love Itself. Our duty is both sure & joyous. We never have to fear or hesitate, for we have the Way, and we are never lost. With Christ as our focus, our model, our example, and our very strength, we have no reason to fear.
...We got off topic, in a sense, but I think that tangent is still very needed. Thank you.
To summarize: when serving God and embodying Christ is your only interest, that charity will graciously free you from worldly fear, and in the Spirit, you will have no hesitation as to what to do.
Roughly revised:
"The one point of view for us to take in this world is that of God's interests. Let us have that clearly understood; when we once ask what is "of the mind of Christ," there will be no doubt about the answer. This Man must be our Life. Always keep in mind His miracles, and His teaching, and the beauty of His character. His life is a perpetual danger to the devil's prerogatives, and His Cross is a perpetual sign of salvation for all men. No matter what comes-- I stand with Christ!’"


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0928

BIBLE STUDY =

"Caiaphas can take one point of view only, in regard to the mightiest spiritual revelation that the world ever saw; and that is, its bearing upon his own miserable personal interests, and the interests of the order to which he belongs. And so, whatever may be the wisdom, or miracles, or goodness of Jesus, because He threatens the prerogatives of the priesthood, He must die and be got out of the way.
This is only an extreme case of a temper and a tendency which is perennial. Popes and inquisitors and priests of all Churches have done the same, in their degree, in all ages. They have always been tempted to look upon religion and religious truth and religious organisations as existing somehow for their personal advantage. And so ‘the Church is in danger!’ generally means ‘my position is threatened,’ and [those who threaten the status quo] are got rid of, because their teaching is inconvenient for the prerogatives of a priesthood, and new truth is fought against, because officials do not see how it harmonises with their pre-eminence.
It is not popes and priests and inquisitors only that are examples of the tendency. The warning is needed by every man who stands in such a position as mine, whose business it is professionally to handle sacred things, and to administer Christian institutions and Christian ritual. All such men are tempted to look upon the truth as their stock-in-trade, and to fight against innovations, and to array themselves instinctively against progress, and frown down new aspects and new teachers of truth, simply because they threaten, or appear to threaten, the position and prerogatives of the teachers that be. Caiaphas’s sin is possible, and Caiaphas’s temptation is actual, for every man whose profession it is to handle the oracles of God."
A KEY DISTINCTION MUST BE MADE HERE.
If some "Innovation" ONLY threatens YOUR position, but HONORS GOD AS HE HAS ORDAINED & REVEALED HIMSELF, then that Innovation should be charitably welcomed at any loss to yourself.
BUT!!! If that alleged "progress"-- despite all self-insistence to the contrary-- is OPPOSED TO THE REVEALED TRUTH OF GOD, then no matter how "enlightened" it may seem, it is to be REJECTED AND DISOWNED, and further warned and taught against.
IF YOUR HEART IS NOT PURE & THEREFORE SET ON GOD, THEN THE INSISIOUS CORRUPTION OF PRIDE WILL READILY CONFUSE THESE TWO SITUATIONS. If you are not actively ready & willing to sacrifice your worldly power, position, status, and security FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST, then you will be FOOLED by the devil THROUGH YOUR SELFISH HESITANCY.
Discernment, wisdom, prayer, and fortitude are ESSENTIAL here.
...
Second point.
I am ashamedly guilty of frequent kneejerk rejection of any perceived threat to my own beliefs for the sake of pride, without properly giving just hearing to the "opposition."
...



"Self-regard may bring a man down to any kind and degree of wrongdoing. Caiaphas was brought down by it, being the supreme judge of his nation, to be an assassin and an accomplice of murderers. And it is only a question of accident and of circumstances how far that man will descend who once yields himself up to the guidance of such a disposition and tendency... we have all of us, if we are wise, to fight against the undeveloped sin which lies in all selfishness. Remember that if you begin with laying down as the canon of your conduct, ‘It is expedient for me'... it is only a question of time how far and how fast, how deep and irrevocable, will be your descent."
...this hits hard & painfully for both Mimic and I.
I kept the reference to "assassin & accomplice" in there pointedly for us both as well.
In "my" past-- whoever "I" was; we share the guilt as a System-- I may not have literally pulled a knife on anyone, but my self-regard STILL LED TO THE DEATH OF OTHERS, in both literal & figurative ways, both physically & spiritually.
...
...
Oh thank God, thank GOD that we have both been dragged up from that pit of hell, solely by the merciful grace of God. We both deserved to be dead for what we did.
This second chance, this new life, is literally a miracle. May we never ever take it for granted.

Some etymology analysis, for the record. (Clean up & comment)
Expedient in this vicious context then means, "it is to my advantage; it serves my purposes; it is useful to me; it is beneficial to me"... "it fits into my plans; it prepares the way for my goals"... "it advances my desired result."
ALSO, "Expedient... indicates artificial means of escape from difficulty or embarrassment."
It's ALL PRIDE.

EXIGENCY=
ROUGHLY, "that which is urgently needed," "that which I demand, require, or enforce,"
literally "to drive or force out," also "to finish, measure," from ex "out" + agere "to set in motion, drive, drive forward; to do, perform" 
EXPEDITE=
""to remove impediments to the movement or progress of, accelerate the motion or progress of, hasten, quicken," 1610s, from Latin expeditus... "extricate, disengage, liberate; procure, make ready, put in order, make fit, prepare; explain, make clear," literally "free the feet from fetters," hence to liberate from difficulties, from ex "out" + *pedis "fetter, chain for the feet"
There is SUCH AWFUL IRONY in there.
...


The NAIL IN THE COFFIN=
"And lastly, this same way of looking at things which takes ‘It is expedient’ as the determining consideration, has in it an awful power of so twisting and searing a man’s conscience as that he comes to look at evil and never to know that there is anything wrong in it. This cynical high priest in our text had no conception that he was doing anything but obeying the plainest dictates of the most natural self-preservation when he gave his opinion that they had better kill Christ than have any danger to their priesthood. The crime of the actual crucifixion was diminished because the doers were so unconscious that it was a crime; but the crime of the process by which they had come to be unconscious-- Oh how that was increased and deepened! So, if we fix our eyes sharply and exclusively on what makes for our own advantage, and take that as the point of view from which we determine our conduct, we may, and we shall, bring ourselves into such a condition as that our consciences will cease to be sensitive to right and wrong; and we shall do all manner of bad things, and never know it. We shall ‘wipe our mouths and say: “I have done no harm.”‘ So, I beseech you, remember this, that to live for self is hell, and that the only antagonist of such selfishness-- which leads to blindness, crime, and a seared conscience-- is to yield ourselves to the love of God in Jesus Christ and to say: ‘I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me.’"
THAT DESCRIPTION OF SELFISH HELL IS AN EXACT DESCRIPTION OF OUR HELLISH "LIFE" DURING THE SEX ADDICTION AND EATING DISORDER.
...
That bit about "self-preservation" being a door to death hits hard too. The Passion devotionals are focusing on that right now, with Peter's denial.
We, too, are far too cravenly prone to "save our skin" when danger looms. We're a skulking shirk, a gutless cur, a yellowbellied rat. You get the picture. We're a fraidy-cat with no spine, right Mimic?
He says "touché," but he knows I'm only jabbing him because we're both guilty as charged. He gets it. That quietly contrite horror at our own backstory is something ONLY he gets. So we share the pain of conviction, when God plunges another knife through our faltering armor.
...
You know, I never actually understood that Scripture verse? I feel like its been tossed at me with that footnote underlined twice. Before we start John 12, we really should pause and study Galatians 2:20. I think it's needed, to deeply integrate the deepest truth Lazarus has brought us.


"Consider the twofold aspect of Christ’s death. From the human point of view it was a savage murder by forms of law for political ends: Caiaphas and the priests slaying Him to avoid a popular tumult that might threaten their prerogatives, Pilate consenting to His death to avoid the unpopularity that might follow a refusal. From the divine point of view it is God’s great sacrifice for the sin of the world. It is the most signal instance of that solemn law of Providence which runs all through the history of the world, whereby bad men’s bad deeds, strained through the fine network, as it were, of the divine providence, lose their poison and become nutritious and fertilising... the greatest crime ever done in the world is the greatest blessing ever given to the world."
And how so? THROUGH CHRIST ALONE.
THIS IS OUR BIGGEST HOPE IN LIFE, for BOTH MERCY & JUSTICE... AND THANKS BE TO GOD, OUR LIFE ALREADY CONTAINS MANY PROOFS OF IT.
...It is not only the promise of healing from trauma, for ALL parties... it is also the promise that despite all the evil we have done to others, IT CANNOT STOP GOD. God can and WILL STILL GLORIFY HIMSELF BY IT, even if we have to pay in blood. So be it. All I want is for my sins to be not only EXPUNGED but also for their historical impact to be TRANSMUTED, if the past cannot be changed or erased. THE CROSS IS MY ONLY HOPE.

"Man’s sin works out the loftiest divine purpose, even as the sea in its wild, impotent rage, seeking to overwhelm the land, only throws upon the beach a barrier that confines its waves and curbs their fury."
...I paste this separately for a twofold reason.
...
Related=
"The catastrophe that Caiaphas and his party had, by their short-sighted policy, tried to prevent, had been brought about by the very deed itself... Christ’s death was the destruction and not the salvation of the nation."
In this sense, there is a DISTINCTION between the murder and the sacrifice.
...


THAT'S IT FOR JOHN 11!!
Man how long did that take? Looking back, journals say we started on the 7th, so that's EXACTLY THREE WEEKS, and with a minimum of 3 hours a day... that's AT LEAST 63 HOURS of studying John 11, haha. NICE. It's been worth every minute.
Honestly, this study CHANGED US on a very deep level. Gotta keep "putting into action" what we learned, though, for that change to both stick inside and manifest outside!


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Catholic Answers browsing. LOTS of stuff key to my faith that I DON'T PROPERLY KNOW OR UNDERSTAND AT ALL.
"Charity & merit" stand out; moral terror freaking out; READ THIS:
https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/the-scruples-of-luther-and-therese
"Luther obsessed over God’s justice in the monastery, feeling as if none of his good works was ever sufficient to please God. Thérèse, on the other hand, knew that God was merciful and pleased with her mere desire to love him."
But DUDE I AM SUFFERING FROM EXACTLY THIS!!!!!!
"Luther never felt at peace with God. He thought his every action was sinful and that he could not obtain God’s favor. He would go to confession every day, sometimes for thirty minutes, sometimes for an hour, and sometimes even for a few hours! He said, “As a monk I thought salvation impossible when I felt the concupiscence of the flesh, that is, an evil movement, whether of lust or of anger or of envy against a brother, etc.” Luther believed that simply having a temptation was sinful. This anxiety is what Catholic moral theologians call scrupulosity and what psychologists call obsessive-compulsive disorder."

I'm going to end up pasting this entire thing because I kid you not this is MY LITERAL DAILY STRUGGLE ALMOST WORD FOR WORD.

"Thérèse had a strong obsession with sin in her younger years, fearing that her every action was offensive to God. His justice terrified her and was always on her mind. But she prayerfully discerned with the help of her sisters and her spiritual director that she didn’t need to earn God’s love. Rather, God loved her already.
From this realization, Thérèse developed her spirituality—a strategy to love God in little ways. While Luther as a monk had been imposing severe penances on himself, including long fasts and sleeping without a blanket, Thérèse recognized that she was too little for these things and chose to make small sacrifices with great love.
Thérèse cast off her terror of God’s justice. She said, “What sweet joy it is to think that God is just—that is, he takes into account our weakness, he knows perfectly the fragility of our nature. What should I be afraid of?” If only St. Thérèse could have emphasized her comments to Luther! Although she knew that God took sin seriously, she did not let that blind her from his mercy. For when she offended God, she imagined herself as a little child who, with tears running down her cheeks, ran to the Father’s open arms in the confessional. Luther, on the other hand, went to confession frozen, terrified, and ultimately dissatisfied with God’s forgiveness.
This is not to say that Thérèse thought God excused all sin on account of people’s weaknesses. When a man was to receive the death penalty for a triple-murder, she remarked, “Everything led to the belief that he would die impenitent. I wanted at all costs to keep him from falling into hell.” Thérèse prayed for this man’s conversion, for she knew that God is just. If a man does not lovingly repent of his sins, then he will feel the full weight of God’s justice.
Luther obsessed over God’s justice in the monastery, feeling as if none of his good works was ever sufficient to please God. Thérèse, on the other hand, knew that God was merciful and pleased with her mere desire to love him. She desired to love God, though imperfectly, through her prayers, confessions, and fasts. For Thérèse imagined herself as a child throwing little flowers to her Father. Her good works—her Little Way—made God smile all the more tenderly at her, his little daughter.
The young nun of Lisieux felt that these little actions done with great love maintained her intimate relationship with God. She said, “How shall I show my love since love is proved by deeds? Well—the little child will strew flowers. . . . She will embalm the divine throne with their fragrance.” Her works stemmed not from a heart of fear, but from a heart overflowing with love. She represents the true Catholic teaching on salvation, which Luther never understood.
Protestant theologian R.C. Sproul recounted the following from his study of Luther: “He had such a fear of the wrath of God that, early on in his ministry, somebody put this question to him: ‘Brother Martin, do you love God?’ You know what he said? ‘Love God? You ask me if I love God? Sometimes I hate God. I see Christ as a consuming judge who is simply looking at me to evaluate me and to visit affliction upon me.’”
What a stark difference there is between these two figures! Luther was dominated by fear, and he left the Faith. Thérèse wanted only to please her loving Father—and her gentle love and understanding of God ensured her a place of honor in heaven, the Church, and history."

Seriously buddy THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE OBSTACLE STANDING BETWEEN YOU AND GOD so you NEED to sit down and TYPE EXTENSIVELY ABOUT THIS ASAP.

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"Our future sins aren’t forgiven. If we sin, we have to be forgiven. There’s so many biblical texts we could look at, Matthew 6:14, “If you don’t forgive your brother... neither will God forgive you.” We could go down the list of examples like this. I don’t care how born again you are or baptized, whatever. You don’t forgive your brother, you’re going to hell... If you want mercy, give mercy. If you don’t, you ain’t getting it."
That sounds so much like Laurie.
...Reading this, and thinking about forgiveness and how I can truly forgive those who caused me pain or fear: give them the absolute benefit of the doubt. Be merciful. "They know not what they do."
And... seeing them all with that willingness to let them off the hook, to assume the best motives and to defend their cause before the accuser... I found, shockingly, that I DO LOVE THEM ALL. My heart so readily embraces that loving perspective, with untold relief and tearful joy. "Finally, the wounds are being healed," it cries. I can feel it. It won't call it "damage"; thats too impersonal and coarse. No, it is a would-- a place where redemption can happen. Christ is still our universal example.
Heaven is all sweetness, all restored to harmony, all forgiven and all repented of. I want to meet ALL of them again there, as dearest friends.
I pray for all of them, constantly. They're "my girls" and "my boys." God knows I have lists of names. I don't know how many of them believe in God, let alone in Christ, but until my last breath and theirs I will pray for them to receive that grace, and so be redeemed. I love them all too much not to care, but Lord forgive me too, I don't care enough, not yet. I could be praying so much more, so much more personally and wholeheartedly. They shouldn't be just names on a prayer list. I need to bless them individually, too. Christ does. He loves us, and saves us, one on one. That's genuine compassion. God, please give me that grace, for the sake of Your Name.


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"remember the context of this sermon. Crowds of people have come to follow Jesus from far off. They have been with him for a long time, and many have run out of food. This implies that these crowds long to hear the teaching of Jesus more than to eat or drink! So Jesus addresses them directly: the people right in front of him who have forsaken bodily food to live by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. He says, “Blessed are you,” not “Blessed are those.” Their physical hunger and thirst are signs of an even deeper spiritual hunger and thirst for righteousness."
SPIRIT VS LETTER OF THE LAW!!!
Starving ourself WON'T "MAKE US HOLY." That's backwards, and furthermore, holiness does NOT "starve" people because that is DESTRUCTIVE. Holiness fasts. It does not abuse, EVEN in mortifying the flesh. There are ESSENTIAL DISTINCTIONS.


"the fact that they were poor and without food did not exclude them from blessedness. On the contrary, because their hunger and thirst were voluntarily chosen in order to follow him, it was a sign of God’s favor. Moreover, those who are hungry and thirsty are more able to be compassionate with others who are hungry and thirsty. Mother Teresa used to say that in order to understand the poor, we must experience poverty, and in order to understand the hungry, we must experience hunger. So, in this way even those who suffer actual physical hunger and thirst are blessed. And in this way also the Lord commends fasting and abstinence."
IT'S NEVER ONLY ABOUT YOU. IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT HUMANITY AS A WHOLE, OF WHICH YOU ARE A PART-- a tiny part, but STILL a part!!
More emphasis on the true purpose of fasting too. It's FOR LOVE OF OTHERS, not some personal proud challenge or miserable punishment.

"God will satisfy our natural desires even for things of this world insofar as these things are necessary or useful for attaining the righteousness we desire."
God is not cruel or sadistic. He knows your body needs to eat to survive, even if you still grumble over that fact-- a vice, which, incidentally, is PREVENTING YOU FROM FEELING COMPASSION FOR THE HUNGRY!!!!
...

"Experience teaches us that material goods inevitably disappoint us. We may eat and drink as much as we like, but... in a short time we feel hungry all over again, and after all that we become obese from overeating. And this kind of thing happens not only with food, but with any good that satisfies only our emotions. If we try to find emotional satisfaction in a human relationship, seeking to be and feel loved, we are inevitably disappointed."
...That's our two ancient vices summed up together.
There's something terribly dreadful and oddly liberating to see that deadly connection stated so simply and darkly, in the very context of implying that there is another way, you don't have to die like this.

"Sometimes God intervenes in our lives to starkly manifest to us the insufficiency of created and material goods. A young woman is infatuated with a man who suddenly dies in a tragic accident. A young man has dreams of making great wealth on a business deal, then he is cheated out of everything he owns. A married couple are obsessed with living a life of luxury, when suddenly their child gets cancer. Experiences like these have a way of recalibrating our lives."
WE CAN EXPLICITLY ATTEST TO THIS.
Honestly it caused us SO MUCH PAIN in the past, because it WAS a profound loss. But... God still knew what He was doing. We WERE too attached to material goods.
He still does this regularly. It's scary, but... we do pray for it, in shaky trust, now. We do know it's for our highest good. Still we cannot deny the pain of loss. God sees our willingness, however feeble, and works with us now, preparing us to let go. We didn't want to before, so He couldn't get us ready for impact, or even warn us of what we were clinging too strongly to. Now, we're learning, to listen & surrender more. The difficulty eases as loving faith increases. 
...


"If we are willing to trust someone virtuous as a guide for our spiritual life, to seek after certain spiritual goods more and to follow the path he sets out for us, we will find those goods, and begin to experience for ourselves the joys they bring. Gradually, in this way, we begin to perceive the true order of goods, and [worldly things] will attract us less and less while things like prayer and justice will attract us more and more."
I'm having trouble grasping the full meaning of that first part? I think it's just because I'm not sure what "trusting someone as a guide" would mean in practice, especially if that person-- like a saint-- is long since deceased.
...


"we need to grow in empathy so that we see others as we see ourselves. Empathy means more than going through what another is going through; it also means identifying with the other. Empathy is the ability to live within another person. And this ability, although it has a natural dimension, is only fully realized in the supernatural order. Empathy first requires that we live in Christ, and then through Christ to live within the Christ who is in our neighbor."
I HAVE NEVER, EVER HEARD THAT PHRASED SO CLEARLY AND POWERFULLY BEFORE. I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS.

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0929


0930

EDE devotional = girl named Zoe, Church walking. HEROIC INSPIRATION.

JONAH 4!!!!!!!!!
SHOCKINGLY DIRECT DESCRIPTION OF GOD'S LOVING NATURE & AMAZING MERCY.
Please, read it over and over. Let it sink in deep.

BY THE WAY PLEASE TYPE ABOUT THIS GAME-CHANGER:
https://biblehub.com/greek/5368.htm

AND THIS GREEK????
https://biblehub.com/text/john/12-25.htm
Rough = "He who delights in/ takes pleasure in/ longs for his own soul is destroying it/ killing it/ ruining it"????
ἀπόλλυμι is a TERRIBLE WORD = 622 /apóllymi ("violently/completely perish; destroy utterly") implies permanent (absolute) destruction, i.e. to cancel out (remove); "to die, with the implication of ruin and destruction".
THAT'S A LOT MORE THAN JUST "LOSING" IT DUDE!!!

"But he who detests/ renounces his soul IN THE WORLD(!!!)"
3404 miséō – properly, to detest (on a comparative basis); hence, denounce; to love someone or something less than someone (something) else, i.e. to renounce one choice in favor of another."
IT'S NOT COLD HATRED!!! IT'S LOVING SACRIFICE!!!!!
God doesn't want suicide, He wants THE CROSS!!!!!

The last bit is worded in a fascinating way.
ESPECIALLY "keep" = it's actually φυλάσσω, which means more like a MILITARY GUARD, or to VIGILANT SHEPHERDS.
Furthermore the action is CONTINUING??? It's NOT a one-and-done thing!!
"5442 phylássō (akin to 5441 /phýlaks, "a military guard") – properly, preserve by "having an eye on" (J. Thayer), referring to the uninterrupted vigilance shepherds show in keeping their flocks (see Lk 2:8, used with 5438 /phylakḗ, "a military guard," i.e. exercising unbroken vigilance as a military guard).
5442 /phylássō ("keep watch over, keep secure") emphasizes the needed vigilance to keep what is entrusted. Thus 5442 (phylássō) is often used in the NT in the Greek middle voice meaning, "Personally be on guard against," stressing the constant, personal interest involved with the guarding."
THAT SERIOUSLY ENHANCES & CLARIFIES THE MEANING OF CHRIST’S WORDS, AND OUR DUTY FROM THEM!!!!

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JOHN 12 AT LAST


"The world is filled with the fame of a good character: for a good character is as a pleasant odor... this ointment was to some a sweet savor unto life, and to others a sweet savor unto death... Have you been loving one whose conduct evidenced his goodness? Then in this good savor you have lived. Have you been envying such a one? Then in this same savor you have died... have you, in thus choosing to die, converted this savor [of preaching Christ] into an evil one? Turn from your envious feelings, and the good savor will cease to slay you."
ENVY OF HOLINESS IS STILL ENVY!!!!
Its still a sin of PRIDE, the king of all vices!
...
...oh my gosh this is the SAME MOTIVE behind people complaining about the Churchs expenses for its holy purposes!! Like "why do you need stained glass, or golden patens, or even such ornate architecture? Give that money to the poor instead!" BUT MONEY ISN'T THE FOCUS, AND GOD ISN'T YOUR FOCUS. And ultimately, the hard truth is that no matter HOW much cash you donate, THE POOR NEED GOD EVEN MORE THAN MONEY. If you sacrifice the expenses for God, you are ACTUALLY ROBBING THE POOR in that deeper sense. But the Church will ALWAYS care for the poor in ALL respects. A narrow sight blinds us to charity.
...


"Here you have Judas among the saints — that Judas, mark you! Who was a thief, yea — do not overlook it — not a thief of any ordinary type, but a thief and a sacrilegist: a robber of money bags, but of such as were the Lord's; of money bags, but of such as were sacred... how much more severe ought to be the sentence on the sacrilegious thief, who has dared to steal, not from places of any ordinary kind, but to steal from the Church? He who thieves from the Church, stands side by side with the castaway Judas... he who had formed the habit of abstracting money from the bag, did not hesitate for money received to sell the Lord Himself."
...Are we guilty of this?
Oh gosh we ARE. The INCENSE. Did we confess that???
And the withholding tithes, OR taking it BACK.
...

"in respect of His divine presence we always have Christ; in respect of His presence in the flesh it was rightly said to the disciples, Me ye will not have always. In this respect the Church enjoyed His presence only for a few days: now it possesses Him by faith, without seeing Him with the eyes."
WE NOW HAVE CHRIST PRESENT IN THE EUCHARIST AND IN THE POOR, and the two are SPECIALLY BOUND, because it is in the Host that CHRIST BECOMES POOR, even moreso than during His pre-Resurrection Incarnation!
...


"What a cross of mental suffering must the Jewish rulers have endured when they heard so great a multitude proclaiming Christ as their King!"
CROSSES ARE ALWAYS INSTRUMENTS OF DEATH = THIS WAS DEMANDING THE DEATH OF THEIR PRIDE!!! But they refused to carry it!!!!


⭐⭐⭐"Surely a profound and strange declaration as to the measure of a man's love for his own life that leads to its destruction, and of his hatred to it that secures its preservation! If in a sinful way you love it, then do you really hate it; if in a way accordant with what is good you have hated it, then have you really loved it. Happy they who have so hated their life while keeping it, that their love shall not cause them to lose it. But beware of harboring the notion that you may court self-destruction by any such understanding of your duty to hate your life in this world. For on such grounds it is that certain wrong-minded and perverted people, who, with regard to themselves, are murderers of a specially cruel and impious character, commit themselves to the flames, suffocate themselves in water, dash themselves against a precipice, and perish. This was no teaching of Christ's, who, on the other hand, met the devil's suggestion of a precipice with the answer, Get behind me, Satan; for it is written, You shall not tempt the Lord your God. Matthew 4:7 To Peter also He said, signifying by what death he should glorify God, When you were young, you girded yourself, and walked whither you would, but when you shall be old, another shall gird you, and carry you whither you would not; — where He made it sufficiently plain that it is not by himself, but by another, that one must be slain who follows in the footsteps of Christ. And so, when one's case has reached the crisis that this condition is placed before him, either that he must act contrary to the divine commandment or quit this life, and that a man is compelled to choose one or other of the two by the persecutor who is threatening him with death, in such circumstances let him prefer dying in the love of God to living under His anger, in such circumstances let him hate his life in this world that he may keep it unto life eternal; [for] if you would possess Life in Christ, be not afraid of death for Christ... Do not love life for fear of losing life; love it not here, lest you lose it in eternity."
THIS HONESTLY CHANGES EVERYTHING.
I wish I had been taught this FIFTEEN YEARS AGO.
Dead serious, this should be default literature in Catholic mental health education. This should be on pamphlets for heavens literal sake.
ALSO, NOTICE THAT JOHN 21:18 SAYS, "WHERE YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO." So no, you CAN'T "tempt someone else into killing you" like we used to. And no, MARTYRDOM DOESN'T DO THAT.
The key to all of it, in truth, is to FOLLOW CHRIST'S EXAMPLE IN BOTH LIFE AND DEATH.
...


"But then, says some one, since the devil is thus cast out of the hearts of believers, does he now tempt none of the faithful? Nay, verily, he does not cease to tempt. But it is one thing to reign within, another to assail from without; for in like manner the best fortified city is sometimes attacked by an enemy without being taken. And if some of his arrows are discharged, and reach us, the apostle reminds us how to render them harmless, when he speaks of the breastplate and the shield of faith. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 And if he sometimes wounds us, we have the remedy at hand... those who are wounded have... an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ, the righteous; and He is the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 2:1-2 And what do we pray for when we say, Forgive us our debts, but for the healing of our wounds? And what else do we ask, when we say, Lead us not into temptation, Matthew 6:12-13 but that he who thus lies in wait for us, or assails us from without, may fail on every side to effect an entrance, and be unable to overcome us either by fraud or force? Nevertheless, whatever engines of war he may erect against us, so long as he has no more a place in the heart that faith inhabits, he is cast out. But except the Lord keep the city, the watchman wakes but in vain. Presume not, therefore, about yourselves, if you would not have the devil, who has once been cast out, to be recalled within... The Lord, therefore, foretold what He knew, that after His own passion and glorification, many nations throughout the whole world, in whose hearts the devil was an inmate, would become believers, and the devil, when thus renounced by faith, is cast out."
Spiritual warfare has always been a cornerstone of our System so all this needs to be fully grasped & applied. We don't EVER want to go back to the satanic civil war from hell we literally lived in until LAST YEAR.
...

"God thus blinds and hardens, simply by letting alone and withdrawing His aid...when He gives His aid, He acts mercifully; and, when He withholds it, He acts righteously: for in all He does, He acts not rashly, but in accordance with judgment..."
God gave us free will. He does not force His grace. Our response to Him IS our judgment, and carries inevitable consequences-- which, as they occur only in relation to Him, can be said to be "caused by Him," even if not so direct a manner.
CASE IN POINT=
"those who have such lofty ideas of themselves as to suppose that so much must be attributed to the powers of their own will, that they deny their need of the divine assistance in order to a righteous life, cannot believe in Christ... Hence they are blinded and hardened; for, denying the need of divine assistance, they are not assisted... they had been blinded and hardened, because forsaken of Him who resists the proud, but gives grace unto the humble."


Oh THIS IS SUPER RELEVANT to my hyperstudying tendencies, both as a chastisement and a consolation =
"...let us not take upon ourselves to pass judgment on the judgment of so mighty a judge, but tremblingly exclaim with the apostle, O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!... Let not then, brethren, the expectations of your Charity drive me to attempt the task of penetrating into such a deep, of sounding such an abyss, of searching into what is unsearchable. I own my own little measure of ability, and I think I have some perception of yours also, as equally small. This is too high for my stature, and too strong for my strength; and for yours also, I think. Let us, therefore, listen together to the admonition and to the words of Scripture: Seek not out the things that are too high for you, neither search the things that are above your strength. Not that such things are forbidden us, since the divine Master says, "There is nothing hid that shall not be revealed"-- but if we walk up to the measure of our present attainments, then, as the apostle tells us, not only what we know not and ought to know, but also if we are minded to know anything else, God will reveal even this unto us. But if we have reached the pathway of faith, let us keep to it with all constancy: let it be our guide to the chamber of the King, in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. For it was in no spirit of grudging that the Lord Jesus Christ Himself acted towards those great and specially chosen disciples of His, when He said, "I have many things to say unto you, but you cannot bear them now." We must be walking, making progress, and growing, that our hearts may become fit to receive the things which we cannot receive at present. And if the last day shall find us sufficiently advanced, we shall then learn what here we were unable to know."
...
BE HUMBLE. CALM DOWN. YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE GOSPEL FOR IT TO "COUNT" FOR FAITH. That's ironically the opposite of it, buddy. Learn to embrace the Divine Mystery that i know you want to love better; it's not "laziness" to admit that there are some things that, despite all your studying, God HAS NOT REVEALED to you and MIGHT NEVER DO SO. Accept HIS discretion. He knows what He wants you to know, and what you need to know FOR SALVATION, and He WILL teach you ALL that includes, yet nothing more. Do not seek what is not meant for you. Be humble. You're not an expert and never will be. You're not even a scholar. And you're certainly not a Doctor of the Church!! Know your place, but be profoundly grateful FOR the place nevertheless, because it is perfect for you as God's gift, as part of His unique plan for you.
Remember Saint Thérèse and the flowers.
Still, DON'T EVER QUIT!!! It's always "both/and"! REREAD THE LAST TWO LINES.
...


"Only let no one dare to defend the freedom of the will in any such way as to attempt depriving us of the prayer that says, Lead us not into temptation; and, on the other hand, let no one deny the freedom of the will, and so venture to find an excuse for sin. But let us give heed to the Lord, both in commanding and in offering His aid; in both telling us our duty, and assisting us to discharge it. For some He has let be lifted up to pride through an overweening trust in their own wills, while others He has let fall into carelessness through a contrary excess of distrust. The former say: Why do we ask God not to let us be overcome by temptation, when it is all in our own power? The latter say: Why should we try to live well, when the power to do so is in the hands of God? O Lord, O Father, who art in heaven, lead us not into any of these temptations; but deliver us from evil! Listen to the Lord, when He says, "I have prayed for you, Peter, that your faith fail not;" that we may never think of our faith as so lying in our free will that it has no need of the divine assistance. Let us listen also to the evangelist, when he says, "He has given them power to become the sons of God;" that we may not imagine it as altogether beyond our own power that we believe: but in both let us acknowledge His beneficent acting. For, on the one side, we have to give Him thanks that the power IS bestowed; and on the other, to pray that our own little strength may not utterly fail. It is this very faith that works by love, according to the measure thereof that the Lord has given to every man; that he that glories may glory, not in himself, but in the Lord."
Dude I didn't even realize THAT is what we struggle with too until I saw it so described.
How many times in prayer do we say, "Lord, I want to be good, but I CAN'T unless YOU DECIDE I can"??? "I WANT to do this good work, but I'm so evil I CAN'T, God if YOU don't give me the strength I am UNABLE," and then we fear that He WON'T, because we're JUST THAT BAD??? It's all devilish lies. But we struggle. We're so afraid. We NEED faith working by Love.
...


"conversion itself is likewise a gift of His grace, as when it is said to Him, Turn us, O God of Hosts. Or may it be that we are to understand this also as actually taking place through the merciful experience of the divine method of healing, [namely this,] that, being of proud and perverse wills, and wishing to establish their own righteousness, they were left alone for the very purpose of being blinded; and thus blinded in order that they might stumble on the stone of stumbling, and have their faces filled with shame; and so, being thus humbled, might seek the name of the Lord, and no longer a righteousness of their own, that inflated their pride, but the righteousness of God, that justifies the ungodly? For this very way turned out to the good of many of them, who were afterwards filled with remorse for wickedness, and believed on Christ; and on whose behalf He Himself had put up the prayer, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do... they have a zeal of God, but not according to knowledge..."
HE DID THIS EXACT THING TO US, AND THANKS BE TO GOD


"And that none might think that He was no more than what they saw of Him, He indicated His wish to be believed on, as equal in character and rank with the Father, when He said, "He that believes in me, believes not on me," that is, merely on what he sees of me, "but on Him that sent me", that is, on the Father. But he that believes in the Father, must believe that He is the Father; and he that believes in Him as the Father, must believe that He has a Son; and in this way, he that believes in the Father, must believe in the Son... the whole extent of our faith in Christ should not be limited by His manhood."
This really stood out to me. To believe truly in Christ at ALL is to believe in Him AS PART OF THE TRIUNE GOD: "co-equal and co-eternal... ever born, alike incommutable, in nothing dissimilar and inferior."
I genuinely don't grasp that enough, at all.
...



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During the hell of the eating disorder, AND up until now in recovery, I've been struggling with one awful, essential, persistent, existential question: "Who AM I, really?" Is my past "real," or "right"? Can I still love? SHOULD I still love? All my imaginative work, all my creativity, all my hopes & dreams & joys & goals-- are any of them valid? Does any of it matter? Should I leave EVERYTHING in my past-- notably my INNER LIFE-- in the past, to be effectively rejected, disowned, & forgotten? And if/ when I DO abandon it, WHO am I then? Who "SHOULD" I be? When ALL of the things I "USED" to treasure & value & live for are GONE... what is left of me? And to be totally blunt with you, I've been struggling with this BLATANTLY SELF-ANNIHILATORY MINDSET SINCE 2010, when Dad shamed me into junking my childhood possessions as "ridiculous garbage" AND I was nevertheless FORCED to actively and traumatically DESTROY most of MY ART & WRITING in order to "minimize my possessions" & "live out of a suitcase" in order to MOVE OUT TO SLC WITH MEL-- who, disturbingly, LIKE TBAS, made my life effectively revolve around THEM. So I couldn't have "too much of "ME" getting in the way." Even more damaging was the FACT that BOTH Mel & Q CLAIMED to be "the ONLY ONES who KNEW THE "REAL ME,"" that I had "lost my spark" and "ONLY they could "help me" get it back," and that "my TRUE, "GOD-GIVEN" DESTINY was IN SLC," with them, NOT my family, AND that if I DIDN'T leave my roots behind & attach to them instead, "I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," AND I would allegedly be "REJECTING GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE." I feel for it, tragically & entirely-- which made Mel's ultimate rejection of ME-- "I thought you were a good person; I guess I was wrong" / "I sacrificed myself to help you & you just spat in my face" / "I regret ever having met you" / "You are a black hole, devouring everyone around you & giving nothing back" / etc.-- all the more devastating, cruel AND bitterly ironic. BUT. That "bitterness" was because I BELIEVED THEM. Every word they said, good or bad, I took as fact. After that letter, almost 10 YEARS AGO this month (!!!), I literally tried to kill myself. Burn it all down, I decided, in total despair-- if MEL says that's WHO I AM, then that DEFINES me "by their authority," and I'm damned.
...And yet, hope refused to abandon me. Fahrenheit 451. Laurie saved my life, and somehow I kept going, until the TBAS deathtrap hit ~5 years later-- a tragedy of the EXACT SAME PATTERN: destroy, uproot, reprogram, reject, annihilate, etc. I threw out or gave away almost everything I owned. My family history had been brutally chopped out of my timeline. My sense of EXISTENCE was crushed to a bloody pulp. For years I was hollow. I threw what remained into religion, but without a real "self" TO worship WITH, even that ended up being far too shallow & Pharasaical. I stockpiled prayers & sacramentals, I went to church up to SEVENTEEN TIMES A WEEK, even moreso if I could drive fast enough in the mornings to chain FIVE MASSES into ONE WEEKDAY. I'm dead serious. I'd hit 7, 730, 8, 830, & 1130 services, never feeling "holy enough," never feeling "close enough" to God. I was starving spiritually, needing the Eucharist more than air, refusing to eat anything BUT that Bread of Angels. And yet, my disorders persisted. I'd ultimately give in to physical hunger and, despairing, would just binge & purge & pray for mercy & forgiveness & help, begging God for a swift, soon, & holy death, despite my wretchedness. I had no will to live. I only wanted God, but... I couldn't see that my ravenous spiritual hunger was ALSO a problem, an addiction, a disordered mutation of something good. I was STILL trying to be "religious" in the SAME way I was trying to be "thin"-- by destroying myself, and running away from all sense of unique identity. I was burying, numbing, & rejecting EVERYTHING that wasn't "pure" and "right," ultimately disowning LIFE in favor of death, wanting only to lose ALL "selfhood" in God, forever. There's just one problem I kept ignoring: God IS relationship, and you CAN'T be in a relationship at ALL if there's no "YOU" to love AND be loved WITH. In my desperate attempts to annihilate "ME" in favor of others, I had destroyed my very goal of self-sacrifice & symbiosis. In order to LOVE at ALL, "I" NEEDED TO ACTUALLY EXIST.
Hope cannot die, though, and neither could my REAL self, the SOUL that GOD HIMSELF uniquely fashioned & breathed into existence & anchored into BOTH my heart AND HIS-- when Jesus died for me, He died for a PERSON, a REAL PERSON that He KNEW and LOVED in their ENTIRETY and TRUTH-- seeing and embracing their scars and uniting them to His own, even as He joyfully proclaimed IN that very agony that humanity is NOT defined by failure, but by GRACE, freely & generously offered to ALL who met Him on that Cross of TOTAL, TRUE Self-giving-- a sacrifice of PURE LOVE, possibly ONLY BECAUSE HE LOVED US. If Jesus had refused to exist AS a unique Person in time, ABLE to enter into PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with each & all, ABLE to share intimately in our struggles & pains & tears, our joys & hopes & dreams, then... He couldn't have GIVEN His unique Personhood FOR us IN that same Love, BY & THROUGH that same relationship!! So I was doomed to both futility AND emptiness, starving despite all instinctive attempts to "fill the void," EVEN WITH GOD, because I did not & WOULD not let "MYSELF" exist as a unique individual that COULD love & BE loved. I had thrown out all my past in guilty hateful shame, not realizing that such a loveless, merciless, heartless act of destruction WAS not and COULD NOT be of GOD. Jesus never erased our pasts-- He ACCEPTED them as they were, FORGAVE them in the utmost compassion for our weaknesses & pain, AND IN DOING SO, by His Cross & Resurrection HE TRANSFORMED them, AND CONTINUES to do so, in EVERY MOMENT, if/ when we give our pasts TO Him-- ALL WITH LOVE!!! We CANNOT be forgiven OR redeemed IF WE DENY OUR TOTAL HUMANITY, painful past and all. And, again, we can't gave a past OR a present OR a future, UNLESS we ADMIT & ACCEPT OUR PERSONHOOD & CONTINUED EXISTENCE IN TIME. God made us individuals. God BECAME an individual for our sakes, out of pure Love!! God AND heaven, His very Kingdom, are ANCHORED IN LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & COMMUNITY & TOGETHERNESS-- on WHOLENESS, a unity of COOPERATION & HARMONY, NOT of faceless parts, or mindless pieces! The "hivemind" concept is SATANIC. In the devil's world of lies, "people" are stripped of individuality, seen as numbers or statistics or animals, cogs in a machine, pawns on a gameboard, disposable and of no difference. THAT'S ALL A LIE!!! GOD KNOWS OUR NAMES AND HE SPEAKS TO US AS A FRIEND, in all tender care & intimacy & LOVE!! We are HIS CREATIONS, HIS ART, HIS CHILDREN! WE MATTER TO GOD. I MATTER TO GOD!! HE CALLS ME BY MY NAME AND HE KNOWS ME. Me!! Not some hollow mask or empty shell-- He knows a PERSON, a person HE CREATED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Honestly this is so clear & important to me today, and I cannot emphasize or elaborate on this enough. It's the key to my LIFE. It's the CORE of my ENTIRE recovery effort, or at least it MUST be, because recovery CANNOT HAPPEN if all the reading & obeying & writing & planning I'm doing is STILL neglecting the "I" that it's ALL MEANT TO HELP HEAL!!! Facts & figures MUST BE APPLIED to have any worth or effect. And honestly? IF I DON'T/ WON'T ACCEPT THE "I" OF RECOVERY, OUT OF FEAR OF BEING AN "I," THEN THE DISORDER WILL RETURN TO TAKE "MY" PLACE AS "SELF"!!!! THAT is why this disorder has been self-perpetuating for so long: it is fueled by REJECTION OF SELF! It IS the "INVADING/ VIOLATING" FORCE I FEARED, as it ONLY exists TO OVERRIDE "ME," BOTH OUTSIDE & INSIDE-- JUST LIKE THE SXTRAUMA IT EXPLODED FROM. Honestly it's so OBVIOUS and yet it has HIDDEN its ultimate motives for so long, ironically BECAUSE it was smothering "me"-- that way "I" COULDN'T REALIZE IT. It devoured all my time & money & attention, so I COULDN'T use them to "find myself again"-- couldn't write, couldn't paint, couldn't compose, couldn't dream. Just like SLC & CNC, I had enslaved myself to an outside "taskmaster" and lost ALL freedom of choice, in essence... a sick but surrendered alternative to facing the terror of my past, and somehow salvaging myself from it-- a past that ONLY WAS so terrible BECAUSE I had CONTINUALLY been crushing myself & "trying to become who OTHERS want/ tell me to be"... typically through objectification, shame, and loveless force. I let Julie ruin me because "I SHOULD want that" and "I SHOULD be like other people," although I WASN'T & COULDN'T BE!! GOD MADE ME DIFFERENT, but I never saw that as VALID; saying "NO" to outside shaping forces was met with punishment & rejection-- I "HAD" to be "NORMAL," even if "normal" was toxic. But you know what? I STILL FOUGHT. I treasured my "weirdness" during high school, cranking it up to extremes & socially isolating in order to distinguish & preserve MY self... but the older I got, and the more I was forced to interact with the world-- through jobs, college, and the internet-- the less of a grip I could maintain on that core, overwhelmed by the SURVIVAL NEED to perform. It had always been there, but in the end it virtually took over. That cemented the roots of the eating disorder, somehow, just as strongly as it created our Socials. AND YET I STILL FOUGHT! Look at the journals "I" used to keep-- look at the Scribblds, for heaven's sakes! It may have been desperate & shaky but I STILL HAD A GRIP ON WHO "I" WAS... and then came Mel. God knows why, but around 2009, when they entered my life's story, I fell to pieces. I cannot delve into that now-- I need to SET THAT ASIDE for now & focus on RECOVERY in the PRESENT; I cannot safely touch the past yet, not without restored nutritive mental health AND new solid coping skills, and NOT without re-reading the Archives (thank You GOD for never letting me delete them!!)-- but the main thing I need to remember from that is that, until 2009, I KNEW "ME" and GOD KNOWS, I STILL DO. Yeah, things DID fracture a LOT from 2004-2008, and there were a TON of Core shifts, BUT!! Deep down in my heart THE "CORE" of EVERY CORE STAYED THE SAME, and I KNEW it by instinct. I recognized me. I COULD distinguish "me" from a fragment or a splinter, no matter how broken "I" was even so. My heart stayed the same, and that COULD NOT change, OR be lost or forgotten or ruined, NO MATTER WHAT happened in our life. Deep down, I know who Jewel is. I know who I AM, when you get down to the blood of it... and so does God. He preserves and sustains and reminds me-- He holds my soul in His Heart and will never let it be lost. I must ALWAYS rest in that faithfulness, that eternal hope, when I do feel lost. But... it's not just God, Who knows me for sure, when I'm shattered & shaken. There are others, blessed beloved others, who KNOW ME, who have seen & felt my true heart SO strongly & clearly & sincerely, with SO MUCH LOVE, that they CANNOT forget it... they cannot forget me-- even when I do. They recognize me. They KNOW my name, AND my heart. God has put them in my life as extensions of His OWN gorgeous Love for me, as living manifestations of that devoted knowledge, yet HE PRESERVES THEIR SELVES, TOO!! They aren't "mere messengers"-- they are FREE INDIVIDUALS, who love me with their OWN hearts, which-- like mine-- have been ENABLED to love and BE in a relationship through grace, yet AS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SELVES. They know me BECAUSE of grace, the LOVE that CREATED me, the ULTIMATE knowledge of me, and I only know MYSELF by that same grace!! I am convinced of this. I need to remember this. If, and when, I EVER lose sight of myself, it's ONLY because I have LOST SIGHT OF THAT LOVE, both IN MY HEART and IN GOD'S HEART, FOR ME, ALWAYS & UNCONDITIONALLY.
...And that's what led me to even start writing this entry today. Yes, I've been lost & distanced from my past, disowning & rejecting my "self" in time AND in heart, for many months now. Yes, I've been feeling unlovable & incapable of love & AFRAID of love. In that state, I was DOOMED to the self-destruction of the eating disorder, AND inherently UNABLE TO remember-- OR even ACCEPT, let alone ADMIT-- the core of myself. Alone, I could never find it, not like that, with my closed heart...
...So. This morning, God sent someone to open it.
...I dreamed last night. The eating disorder destroyed my ability TO dream, and it's only returning now that I'm in recovery. (My boss will be so happy to see me again, too!!) I'm no longer having chronic "flat nightmares" and trauma flashbacks-- now, I'm dreaming of childhood, of color, of music, of adventure, of new places and new horizons; I'm singing, I'm flying, I'm able to use dream powers, I'm able to visit familiar dreamscapes... it's as if I've literally come back to life after death. Dreams are a KEY piece of my heart, an intrinsic & vital aspect of my entire existence. They are vivid, beautiful, complex, inspiring, deep, and REAL-- without a rich dreamlife, my waking life is hollow & half-dead. So this blissful return of such an ESSENTIAL and HUGE part of my life is nothing short of a miracle, and it is rekindling SO much hope & joy in my soul. That alone makes the fact of my dreaming at ALL into a source of deepest gratitude... but, this morning, I dreamed of someone. And suddenly, seeing them again, an even deeper, truer, more essential & blessed piece of my heart came back to life-- the core of my core, the key to ALL that I am, the defining aspect of ME, that burns as red as blood and white as light, indelibly, forever.
...I'm in love.
I'm in love.
God I FORGOT what this FEELS like, for SO LONG-- I even tried to DENY it!! I tried to insist it NEVER EVEN HAPPENED, tried to deny and disown EIGHTEEN SOLID YEARS of it, the SAME EIGHTEEN YEARS this damned eating disorder tried to claim as its own-- both it and the hellish abuse that triggered it. BUT I COULDN'T FORGET, not in my heart of hearts, not in the TRUTH of me, EVER. I was just blinded & numbed & disturbed & gutted & hollowed out for SO LONG that I couldn't remember. But he did. He KNEW me at the very beginning of it all, BEFORE I got lost, and he never lost me despite it all. Through every crisis, every disaster, every destruction I survived, he stayed true, unwavering, knowing me, seeing me always. My heart was so closely united to his that he couldn't forget what it felt like. And so, whenever I would, his mere existence testified to the truth, the bond between us that no brutalities could ever break. Tragically, if I was lost enough, taken over by despair and tangled up in disorder-- how ironic-- I would try to run from him. I'd even try to reject him-- to reject us. But I couldn't. My heart wouldn't tear itself so in half, even though I tried, pretending it wasn't a risk, too ashamed of my own sickness to be sincere. So I'd just hide, and push him away, and bury the light he inevitably began to reveal in me, even though I KNEW I didn't want to-- I, too, ultimately knew it was impossible. And I clung to hope. I held that spark anyway, unable to tear it out of my own hands and honestly unwilling to. But I digress. The point is... when, in the waking, I wouldn't let him get close for fear & shame... God would send him straight to my heart. God would send him to me in a dream. And... every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, miraculously & gorgeously breaking through EVERY doubt and EVERY wall, the moment I see him there, no matter HOW lost or damaged or confused I am, EVEN in the dream... my heart knows him. And I... I fall in love. All over again. Every time. And my heart opens up like the sky and I remember who I AM, too... with him.
...When I wake up, everything is different. When I woke up this morning, seafoam in my blood, riverwater on my lips, I felt alive for the first time in forever. My heart was alive, aching with love, blissful in the dark of the morning, blessed rain against the window. I drifted like a boat on the sea of serenity, in and out of dreams, and every time I would meet him again, just as much in love. When the day finally called me from sleep and into the waking, I was almost drunk with gratitude and ardor. How in the world did I ever live without remembering this-- without feeling my heart singing like this from the pure truth of what I now knew once more? I know LOVE again, and simultaneously, I KNOW WHO I AM because of it-- within it, for it. I cannot exist without Love. Nothing can, but... God keeps reminding me just HOW essential it is, especially to me, who has ALWAYS been defined by the heart.
So... that's what happened today, to say the least. God sent me my blue angel, to bring my soul back home to heaven. And by that grace, that is where I will stay.

 

(not j)

I want to abandon everything so badly.

I was looking through some old pages of my old "friends," the ones from when spinningcannon was on dA, and it's been a sickening jolt of sorts. Not only do I have nothing in common with these people, I don't think we ever actually spoke? Who are these people?
I feel trapped by this tangled web my past selves have left in their wake, and I want to leave it, more than anything else right now.
I wonder if I can do that? Just... abandon all of this. Even if it's just online.
Destroy everything in my head, reset all of my work. Find a new name, and demolish everything else. Dead empty.
Offline it's harder. I'm stuck with one body right now. One name and face that aren't even mine. Sure, we're working to change that, but... there's that we're again. There's no one else here. Stop it.
"People don't really want to die, they just want to start living," they say.
Honestly though the new life thing would be so tiring. I think wanting to abandon it is really me wanting to do that, and NOT start over. But death is tiring too.
I have this feeling that if I die, I'll have to do this all over again. And next time, it'll be so much worse, for all the mistakes I've made.
I'm so terrified that, whoever would live my life in the next, would end up being... sexual or something. It's horrifying, to think that I'd reset like that if I died. Does that happen?
I really don't understand a lot of what's out there "spiritually" yet. All these people talking about sex left and right, I can't run from it. Have I ever told you how TIRED I am of that? I've been haunted by that horrible pinkstained vice for YEARS, for most of my entire life. It's in the media, it's in my religion, it's in my house, it used to be in my head. Left and right, it was eviscerating me. It still is. I cannot run from that horrible thing. And in this world it's actually NEEDED???!? Like people actually have to do that??? That scares me to death. I don't want to think about it, it makes me scared and my head hurts. People can't run from that here, but they don't care!! Why??? Doesn't that horrify you, to be stuck with skin and programming for such an awful thing, when elsewhere it's not even real??

And then mental illnesses. Like the one I had. But that's better now.
I was talking to some spiritual people and they did say that mental illness is all false. It's not true, it's not real.
Like even dyslexia, and bipolar disorder, and depression, even the other people in my head thing. All of that is just the ego messing with our heads. It's not real! So they told me to let go and stop holding on to the old past things. So I did and now everything is gone.
Did you know saying you're a victim, or that you're offended, is a lower vibration thing? So is being proud or feeling better than others. So I need to be careful and stay away from both. I can't have a self anymore, ESPECIALLY not several selves, because that's not what spiritual beings do. They don't have "identities" or selves. But here I've been so used to doing that. I'm glad it's going away now.
It's just the stupid scary sex thing. I don't know what that is, but it's horrible, and I can't understand why these people won't stop talking about it. They can't be wrong, they are God, they can't be lying to me. It's impossible. So it must be some part of me that's horrible yet, and egotistic, and victimized and selfish and proud. That's what's pretending to be afraid and angry and scared of sex. Something is wrong with me that I can't like it, and that it horrifies me. Something is wrong with me, they were right. So I'm trying to force myself to fix it but it's not working yet, things are getting much worse? I mustn't be strong enough spiritually yet. If it's "not working" and I'm feeling worse that's my ego getting in the way. I have to surrender to what they tell me to do, that's how it works. If I just did that in the first place, long long long time ago, none of this would have happened. I guess it's my fault! I'll keep trying.
It's weird how so many of the things we think are "problems" are really just our minds playing games with us. We think we're angry or hurt or afraid or offended but it's just ego reaction. None of that is real!

but theres no passion no enthusiasm no joy no excitement for some of us
SHUT UP YOU'RE NOT REAL

Sorry about that! Just don't listen to them. The voices will all go away soon. It's okay.