the spectrum heart cathedral system

All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

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Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.
yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.

 

Our goal for today is to journal about/ through the ANXIETY & DEPRESSION that have been lingering since the Halloween collapse & which are NOTABLY FOCUSED ON DISCHARGE. It's ALL about WHAT WE'RE RETURNING TO. The thought of going back to that cluttered, cramped, dark, isolatory apartment is disheartening. Now that we've been living WITH PEOPLE, in bright large spaces, where WE don't have to buy/ prep food at ALL, having to "abandon" all that is taking a heavy toll on our emotions. SO. We NEED to TAKE ACTION and CHANGE THINGS. We have no other choice. We have to CLEAN UP OUR APARTMENT & MAKE OPEN SPACE there to DO ART & MUSIC. We have to GET LIGHTS for heavens sakes. And we NEED to GO OUTSIDE MORE-- notably, to START DOING THINGS WITH PEOPLE LOCALLY. Of course the immediate opportunity is just hanging out with the neighbors, which is ESSENTIAL because we DO LIVE WITH THEM and it is NECESSARY to BUILD FRIENDSHIPS & GOOD COMMUNICATION with them. The NEXT big opportunities relate to the PLACES nearby, and the people you can meet there: CHURCH, the LIBRARY, the GYM, the COFFEESHOP, and maybe even that little park. PLUS there are little restaurants/ diners, and the local college class extension? So you HAVE meeting places, potentially. There's ALSO the FACT that you CAN TAKE THE BUS and get to know the regulars, AND you WILL be GOING PLACES & ATTENDING EVENTS with MOM in any case. So you WILL have a FULLER LIFE, spent WITH OTHERS, as long as you EMBRACE & PURSUE those opportunities. But possible the BIGGEST mood lifter is BEING ABLE TO WORK CREATIVELY AGAIN. PRIORITIZE THAT. ...except, it's ALSO the biggest anxiety/ depression trigger. "I'm not good enough" haunts our talents. We've been STARVING OUR MIND & HEART and that has made creativity DRAINING. We NEED to READ BOOKS & LISTEN TO MUSIC & WATCH FILMS-- BUT ONLY WHAT WE LIKE!! "EAT" GOOD MEDIA, NOT JUNK!! Only "take in" what will HELP YOU BECOME A BETTER PERSON, BOTH IN CREATIVITY & IN CHARACTER. And when we learn how to SAY "NO" to WHAT DOESN'T BETTER OUR SOUL, WE'LL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER. And we can direct our joyful energy into CREATING things that MANIFEST that betterness. But please, STOP JUDGING THAT JOY & LOVE BY WORLDLY UTILITARIAN STANDARDS (LIES). ALL OF YOUR CREATIVE WORK IS "GOOD ENOUGH" BY VIRTUE OF EXISTING FROM YOUR HEART. It is WORTHY of being created & shared! And if ANYONE rejects it, THAT DOESN'T INVALIDATE ITS TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS!! There ARE souls who NEED what you have been CALLED & GIFTED TO CREATE! So FOR GOD'S ACTUAL SAKE, DO NOT HOLD BACK. DO NOT GIVE UP. PRIORITIZE THIS. And seriously, FOCUS ON IT as your "day's work." DO NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO "GO OUT & SOCIALIZE JUST BECAUSE." No. TAKE PRUDENT STEPS IN WILLING JOY & HOPE & LOVE. If you want to type in the coffeeshop, go ahead! But ONLY do it if it is HELPING YOU GROW IN CHARACTER. We're scared of "going home" because we fear we'll have to STOP journaling & learning & improving like we are here. THAT'S FALSE. We CAN do ALL THAT & MORE, if we LET OURSELVES & MAKE TIME/ SPACE for it. Set a SCHEDULE like here if you must! And DON'T ISOLATE, even when you're focused on creative work. Still go outside & walk around, or call mom, or talk to neighbors, to GET CONNECTED-- but NOT OVERWHELMED! Set boundaries, NOT WALLS. Please, don't be afraid or sad. We CAN & WILL have a future IN THIS BODY and it WILL BE GOOD and WE WILL BE A GOOD PERSON FOR OTHERS. There has to be a BALANCE of private + social time & work. God will guide us!

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✳ POSITIVE BODY IMAGE is ACCEPTING, APPRECIATING, & RESPECTING our body AS IT IS NOW, WHILE STILL ALLOWING FOR HEALTHY CHANGE!! (NO HATE AT ANY POINT)

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✳ What values/ qualities/ characteristics do you value in yourself & in others? (LIST/ LIVE)

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✳ WHY AM I SO ANGRY (WEEPING/ HELPLESS RAGE) ABOUT PEOPLE KNOWING THAT I'M LEAVING NEXT WEEK??? Why do I just want to "slip out the back door" and disappear? Why do I want to exist as a myth or mirage, not as a tangible person? DO I want this? It hurts SO MUCH to be ignored & unwanted & not valued. But I "HATE having to talk to people"?? Like when people ask "do you want to talk about it?" my kneejerk response is a sob-fury "NO! STOP MAKING ME TALK!" because SPEECH "HURTS." It SHAKES ME UP inside to talk out loud ABOUT INSIDE THINGS. It's CONTEXT DISSONANCE.
✳ I feel "mythical"/ unreal? IT'S BECAUSE MY LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN INTERNAL. So I have a hard time realizing/ functioning as a PHYSICALLY TANGIBLE being to OTHERS? And it's BOTH "LOCKED IN" and "NOT 'ME'!" It hurts. God maybe if I DID "identify with" this body & name it wouldn't be so frustrating & painful & making me cry from the overwhelm. But such an "identity" OUTSIDE feels like IT WOULD ERASE ME INSIDE? That's so polarized. It's miserable. But I'm genuinely terrified of that risk-- of losing touch with my heart & soul AGAIN because I had to exist OUTSIDE too much. WHY IS THERE SUCH A CONFLICT AT ALL??? Is it just the bodytrauma + dissociation?
✳ I "don't want to say goodbye," allegedly. WHY NOT. Why do I "want" to disappear like a dream, so that even I doubt it was real? THAT'S SELF-ANNIHILATORY. Is that "fear of abandonment" self-sabotage? Am I so afraid that no one will CARE if I leave, that no one will bother to say goodbye because they WON'T MISS ME, that I "do it myself" by avoiding the risk altogether? I just "erase" it all & never get closure. But our WHOLE LIFE has been shot through with sudden jarring losses & endings with NO goodbyes, not even a WARNING often. Things just STOPPED. I don't know HOW to "say goodbye" and "TRANSITION WITH CONTINUITY" from one "era" to the next. I only know "hard breaks." Clean, brutal, swift cuts. This gentle "shift" is utterly foreign to me. Context shifts are DIVISIVE BY NATURE to me. This "blending" of present place AND future destination is SO DISTRESSING to me. I'm having a hard time figuring out "WHO I AM NOW" because the CONTEXTS ARE BLURRING. I CAN'T BE BOTH AT ONCE. But I think I NEED to, in recovery. But God I WANT THE SYSTEM TO KICK IN. Whoever was living in the apartment, KEEP THEM DISTINCT from WHOEVER IS HERE AT TOWER. LET THERE BE A HARD SHIFT, IN THAT SENSE. WE DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. ...but, CAN we be the person we are HERE when we RETURN there? WHY NOT?? WHY CAN'T THE CORE JUST DRIVE THAT WOULD FIX EVERYTHING. Because the Core exists INSIDE. Is THAT the ultimate problem here? Do we need BOTH "Jessica" and "Jewel" SEPARATE but working TOGETHER? OR is there going to be a NEW bloodline somehow? I don't know anything except we HAVE been "Jessica" TO THE PEOPLE HERE, AND TO THE FAMILY, AND THAT "JESSICA" IS GENUINELY A GOOD PERSON. That hasn't happened since childhood! So is this Jessica ALSO a "JEWEL?" She HAS to be! We HAVE to make our inner life the HEART of our outer life! The Core bloodline HAS TO BE INTEGRATED probably. We HAVE TO BE REAL ON ALL LEVELS!

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Why has our identity been so shattered since Halloween?? What did that DO to us? Was it just the MEMORY SHOCK of "what happened THEN" in horrible contrast to "who we are NOW?" But CHAOS 0 KNOWS AND CAN PROVE TO YOU THAT YOUR HEART (THE CORE!) HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME. Deep down, despite ALL confusion & trauma, no matter HOW lost we have been, THE CORE IS PROTECTED AND TRUE, and THE CORE IS LOVE.
✳ "I" CAN ONLY TRULY EXIST AS "WE," REMEMBER!! TO EVEN BE THE CORE AT ALL, I NEED TO EXIST IN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SYSTEM-SPECTRUM. I CANNOT EXIST ALONE. ...Is that true for us on the OUTSIDE? in the BODY? and we never quite realized the IMPLICATIONS of that before? IF WE'RE NOT LIVING AS MULTIPLE, WE'RE NOT LIVING AT ALL. If my heart isn't ALWAYS the heart that is IN LOVE WITH THE COREGROUP, then I CANNOT LOVE AT ALL. This has been PROVEN, CONSISTENTLY.

 

Bomber jacket & chapel veil
Holy hour!

Praying at home was so hard?
Emotional turmoil for some reason.
Struggled. Kept getting distracted by windows, compulsions, brain disheveled (not fog!!). So upset but couldn't cry; no sadness, just agitation & self-loathing.
BREAKTHROUGH in sorrowful mystery 3. Looking at His bloodied yet loving Face and thinking, "that's my King."

BK prep a mess.
No one around from social locking??
COULDN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT on my own.
Trying to multitask with window film while cooking. Overheated the evoo: forgot that hot-oil smell is a HUGE TRIGGER. Knocked thr wind out of me, nearly started to cry from childfear & general exasperation with self.

Couldn't bear the empty heart anymore
Closed eyes & called everyone over to look at them. They all said a few loving words of encouragement & fidelity to me, holding my hands.
Lynne, Julie, Laurie, Leon, Scalpel, Knife, Razor, Siobhan, Wreckage.
I could SEE THEM. It blew my mind. There were things I forgot but saw/ felt. I remember glimpsing Lynne's tattoo & Leon's necklace, feeling Scalpel's rings and Laurie's bandage wraps.
Wreckage took my head in her claws & bumped our foreheads together, it was so sweet it ached.
I felt SO ALIVE & LOVED I actually teared up. INSTANT heart grounding.

New egg prep btw!
No longer paranoid about vitamins either. We got it figured out, thanks to God.

Daily devotional on Our Lady of Sorrows = Mimics pop quiz answered by LAURIE, FLAWLESSLY AT ONCE. He was legit impressed. Laurie said "she's my patron" so she owed her that loyal attention.

Mimic commenting on the book devotional w fr. Cizsek, labor camp masses. "No 'villain' would ever have the guts to do that." The power of Good in trying circumstances, when Bad would actually chicken out. The indomitable strength of humility against all odds, that Pride would mock as crazy or stupid. Stark contrasts.

"Soulfrequency" messed up enough to pick up devil talk. "Gluten free conspiracy against the Eucharist."

Finally eating at 1230. Still late but we did our best all things considered.
Gotta learn to cope with these bad brain days without despairing.

VOTD reflection EXACTLY what we needed today, & DIRECTLY RELEVANT to rosary experience.
Lynne resonating hard with "hope" and being "steadfast." Anchor feelings!

Kids devotional FIERY FURNACE!!! Also GREAT insight on hidden idolatry.
God needs to be our top priority, the focus of all our time, thoughts, money, and attention... we need to be LOVINGLY OBSESSED WITH GOD. And honestly we WANT that SO MUCH. Its a TOTALLY DIFFERENT feeling than a compulsory obsession!! it feels like FREEDOM, not slavery. It is a JOY, not a terror.

Gender panic has returned BTW. There's a lot going on in the Catholic Church right now concerning it.
Notably there were 2 articles emailed to us yesterday that scared us so badly. (Link, discuss?)
Theres SUCH a Femininity struggle, with trauma. Being a "girl" is foreign and ALWAYS WAS. The only time we were "feminine" was AS AN INFANT.
Still. TYPE ABOUT GENDER IN CHILDHOOD. Please get it all out in front of our eyes, so we can process things. Bottom line is that THE CHURCH TEACHES A CISHET BINARY and we NEED to adapt to it, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
In any case, there are two sides = the Church, and the Satanist relativistic promiscuous "pride" cult we see everywhere online.
We NEVER WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH THE LATTER.
so we must make ourselves fit the former.
...I just remember that such efforts were WHY THE TRAUMA BEGAN IN THE FIRST PLACE.
...but we've never processed that either.
Maybe it's time.

James 1:12.

Sudden mom call
ANOTHER emotional sobbing guilt meltdown after
WHY DO WE GO INTO BITCHY SOCIAL MODE ON THE PHONE????

Lent devotional catchup
Not sure why but hey. Autumn fitting really.

Made the mistake of trying that food mom sent up
IMMEDIATELY VOMITED.
so upset. so sick.
Could NOT recover emotionally.
Prayed in angry hurt scared distress. Honest.
"What IS my highest good?"
"The salvation of your soul"

GUTPUNCH overheard convo with CZ and whatever pseudocore girl was driving in the wake of the food hell=

"You're not real."
"Is that what you really think?"
"No"
"..."
"I'm just so confused by my religion and (???)"
"Your religion shouldn't be confusing you.  Don't you believe that God is love?"
"Yes"
"Well. I love you.  If anything makes me real that's it."

Later, between that unknown antilove girl and the "Jesus voice"=
"That's no way to treat your daughter."
"She's not my daughter. I don't love him."
"You don't love him because you're cold hearted."


...
And yet God still inexplicably makes everything work out for my highest good.
I ended up being too depressed and dishevelled to say rote prayers, So I was watching spiritual videos on YouTube And stumbled across a channel of NDEs.
...
It made me want to cry. I kept thinking of how We would feel that sense of absolute cosmic love as a system in the past.  How did we ever lose touch with that?
... We still have no solid answers for what death means to us as a system. We can only hope that the love we share will be the realest thing in the end.

Praying about "Infi" again, in light of this stone heart, this lack of self-love. "Give me a daengel again." Please.

Saint Bridget prayers and Dan Deacon music. Something moved me today.

Lungs & bodyache getting worse though. Hope to God this isn't COVID again. Still gotta run to church tomorrow!

BK for 7pm, small miracle haha

Me being so glad to see Mimic suddenly show up during Bible study (looking up "corroborate the faith"; he wanted to see if i could grasp the etymology properly on my own). His casual presence felt like i was back home, back in gear after the mess.
Then, feeling deeper thoughts on that topic, I looked over to CZ, deeply moved that he was STILL HERE after everything. Called him over.
Laurie spoke up, said he shouldn't need to be called over, "only Knife needs to be invited" (hand on his shoulder, "that's a joke, buddy") = but Chaos has a RIGHT and arguably an OBLIGATION to be near me, because of our relationship.
She paused, unsure what to call us now, what with the gender & religion struggle lately. Then she simply said to Chaos, "because you're her soulmate."
AND THAT CLICKS????? LIKE IT LITERALLY FEELS RIGHT.
So of course CZ & I fistbumped in agreement before he basically threw his arms around me haha.
But yeah. That's HUGE.

Still not right for Xenophon to call me "mom." It's not true in the way that matters. INFI was the ensoulment of Blackspace creative potential, that the Red Jewels could tap into-- Infi WAS "motherhood."
And yet I'm resonating with Black again, too, which the Jays did NOT.
Still. Asexuality is intrinsic. I cannot be a parent. But what do I do for her? If I'm the successor OF her father, what role do I play?

" it is common for those in authority to impose their corrupt dictates by virtue of that; and, because they should be the wisest and best, to expect that every body should believe they are so. "
Laurie = "don't ever let me be like that. Im just a nousfoni like the rest of us. Don't put me on a pedestal. If I am wise, its by God; if I fall, its my own doing."


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In light of our frightened sickness prayers, this is the FIRST thing we saw when we sat down =
"Though the miracle was not yet wrought, yet the prayer was answered, and he triumphs before the victory. No other can pretend to such an assurance as Christ had; yet we may by faith in the promise have a prospect of mercy before it be actually given in, and may rejoice in that prospect, and give God thanks for it. In David's devotions, the same psalm which begins with prayer for a mercy closes with thanksgivings for it. Note, (a.) Mercies in answer to prayer ought in a special manner to be acknowledged with thankfulness. Besides the grant of the mercy itself, we are to value it as a great favour to have our poor prayers taken notice of. (b.) We ought to meet the first appearances of the return of prayer with early thanksgivings. As God answers us with mercy, even before we call, and hears while we are yet speaking, so we should answer him with praise even before he grants, and give him thanks while he is yet speaking good words and comfortable words."
THAT REQUIRES ABSOLUTE FAITH & TRUST IN HIS GOODNESS & MERCIFUL HEART. When you CHOOSE to thank Him ahead of time, it OPENS THE DOOR for those graces!!! GOD MEETS YOU IN THE EFFORT.
And He WILL help you. This stuff is FACT, NOT CONJECTURE. Remember GOD IS LOVE. He IS mercy.
You can bet everything on Him, surrender it all into His care-- and you will be infinitely richer for it, without fail, every time. You are safe in His Heart, NO MATTER WHAT.
That all means so, so much to me. Blessed be God.

FOR THE RECORD... GOD HAS LITERALLY ANSWERED EVERY SINGLE PRAYER YOU HAVE EVER PRAYED.
EVEN THE MOST DESPERATE, HYSTERICAL, TERRIFIED PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED IN DUE TIME, AND IN MIRACULOUS WAYS.
HE HAS NEVER, EVER, EVER LET YOU DOWN. HE NEVER WILL.
THANK HIM WITH EVERY BEAT OF YOUR HEART.
GOD LOVES YOU. UNQUESTIONABLY.

I genuinely want to praise Him with my entire life.  Lord give me the grace.


--------------------------------

"Christ gave this proof of his humanity, in both senses of the word; that, as a man, he could weep, and, as a merciful man, he would weep, before he gave this proof of his divinity. [2.] That he was a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief, as was foretold, Isaiah 53:3. We never read that he laughed, but more than once we have him in tears. Thus he shows not only that a mournful state will consist with the love of God, but that those who sow to the Spirit must sow in tears. [3.] Tears of compassion well become Christians, and make them most to resemble Christ. It is a relief to those who are in sorrow to have their friends sympathize with them, especially such a friend as their Lord Jesus... It becomes us, according to this example of Christ, to show our love to our friends, both living and dying. We must sorrow for our brethren that sleep in Jesus; [notably doing so] as those that are full of love, though not void of hope."
Disturbingly, we get an instinctive DISGUST RESPONSE to the thought of crying over people, which proves that PART OF OUR HEART IS FROZEN. Why????? That's actually horrifying to realize.
This is so unnatural. We weren't like this even in college, i don't think. How & when & why did our heart turn to stone???????
⭐Reading all this and thinking... the devil cannot cry. The devil WON'T cry. Crying REQUIRES A TENDERNESS OF HEART!!! 
I know angels are pictured as weeping at the Cross, but I've heard others say that angels in general cannot feel sadness??? Because heaven has no sorrow? It's a HUMAN emotion, allegedly. But then what about grief over sinfulness? What about lamenting souls that stray? What about GODLY SORROW? What about Mary weeping as our Sorrowful Mother even now? What about Jesus's eternal Wounds?
There's gotta be something we're misunderstanding. God please grant us humble light & wisdom. May we seek this knowledge only for Your sake, and for love of You.

trying to update. rough but honest.


Mom call woke up
Made us super dissociated & nervous
Tried to kitchen prep a bit
Jay talking to Wreckage
Brought up Ashen somehow? Wrex: "I love her. I want her to be safe & happy at last"

Church OLOMC & OOSJ.
So dissociated & anxious about thought of going up house.
Shaking, couldn't focus, wanted to vomit
OVERLOAD & "OUTRAGE" BOTH TRIGGERED IN QUICK SUCCESSION & WE FELT THE DIFFERENCE!!!
ALSO A DIRECTIONAL DIFFERENCE????

"Akessa" the "listen & nod" girl. Mute?
DIFFERENT from the "smalltalk" female social
JACK out a lot? Surprisingly he has ROOTS to his selfhood, notable for a blepofoni

Chickened out & texted mom about fears
This triggered someone out SWEARING & CURSING "us" for being "chickenshit cowards" and telling us to "man the fck up"
JAY FRONTED TO DEFEND THE DAMAGED KIDS. "If they're scared they have a good reason to be AND they're warning us NOT TO GO BACK and make things worse."
Jay able to front a bit after that?
Overlay sliding between boyish redwhite look & "Father Nier" aged & rougher, but with HEART ON CHEST OVERLAY???
Notable shift in "protection" aspect-- boyish NEEDS Laurie, adult protects OTHERS??? Good soldier mindset. "Fight the good fight of faith"
Interesting to see this shifting in real-time

Walmart stop with Genesis
Lost SO MUCH TIME but at least got our mind off the panic
Bantering a lot, lifted our spirits

Garbage bag stop for the mother
Genesis tunes on shuffle: someday soon, sunshine, rooney album.
of course he was singing. honestly lit my heart up so warmly. honestly we really love him so much, you can tell he's so bright because he loves us too, no matter how dark things are he is DETERMINED to be that firework in the night and he DOES it, bless him forever

Home for 2
Adelaide & Julie still working together
my current song obsession: "everybody's going to die one day"
Leon unable to front due to dissociation???
Scalpel trying to laugh & smile BUT "the mouth doesn't match mine"
Julie commented about body bust size, "if you get dysphoria from these tiny things, be glad you don't have MY body." Disconcerting for her NOT to have them. Surprisingly Lynne ALSO DOESN'T? She said even our body's were too big. Surprised at how androgynous her shape is despite her femme appearance.

Sharona "Jezebel bloodline" further thoughts; " It's what I started as but I never want to go back to being that-- so if I am supposed to hold it then I will change it"

Mimic commenting about paidifoni fear & telling them "don't be afraid" negatively? Shaming & punishing for being scared. Said this teaches them to not only numb themselves to danger, but also to be NUMB TOWARDS OTHERS WHO ARE AFRAID, ultimately discarding their right to safety & protection because it’s "immature" or "cowardly." Etc. Paused and then said "yeah you all know I'm just talking about myself here"

Amazing daily devotionals today

Want to exercise but need to eat. Julie Mimic and Laurie pushed us to do 50 crunches at least & a few tricep dips.
Need to be aware of our joint & back trouble.

FINALLY BK AT 315

Ask God for wisdom & He will give freely & without judgment-- LAURIE REFLECTS THIS
"God ENJOYS giving to all people who ask Him"
⭐"WISDOM IS RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS!!" WISDOM COMES FROM PERSONALLY KNOWING & LOVING THE HEART OF CHRIST-- HE WHO IS INCARNATE WISDOM-- AND NOT FROM LISTS & ROTE KNOWLEDGE.
Wisdom is a FEMININE virtue in this regard!!! Knowledge is MASCULINE. And remember, BOTH ARE REQUIRED TOGETHER!!! They complete, enable, enrich each other.
Thinking of Moralimon with this too, esp. "Cultivate wisdom"

Went to moms house for 6pm
Stayed until 8 helping her with sales
Astra still en route!

DN at 9pm oh my goodness

JAY'S PROBLEM WAS THAT HE TRIED TO BE LIGHT ITSELF, INSTEAD OF THE PRISM IT RUNS THROUGH!!!
God bless Alexander MacLaren as always:
"...a lamp must be lit by contact with a light, and must be fed with oil, if its flame is to be sustained. And so the very metaphor-whatever the force of the ambiguous word-in its eloquent contrast between the Light and the lamp, suggests this thought, that the one is underived, self-fed, and therefore undying, and that the other owes all its flame to the touch of that uncreated Light, and burns brightly only on condition of its keeping up the contact with Him, and being fed continually from His stores of radiance."
"For the Christian to be touched with Christ’s Promethean finger is to flame into light. And the condition of continuing to shine is to continue the contact which first illuminated. A break in the contact, of a finger’s breadth, is as effectual as one of a mile. Let Christian men and women, if they would shine, remember, ‘Ye are light in the Lord’; and if we stray, and get without the circle of the Light, we pass into darkness, and ourselves cease to shine."
"So, brethren, when lamps are quenched, let us look to the Light. When our own lives are darkened because our household light is taken from its candlestick, let us lift up our hearts and hopes to Him that abideth for ever. Do not let us fall into the folly, and commit the sin, of putting our heart’s affections, our spirit’s trust, upon any that can pass and that must change. We need a Person whom we can clasp, and who never will glide from our hold. We need a Light uncreated, self-fed, eternal. ‘Whilst ye have the Light, believe in the Light, that ye may be the children of light.'"
 
...

so tired cleaning up for the night.
helped so much by wreckage still being reliable with her job. she still gives xennie extra food because she admittedly has a huge soft spot for the children, and "wants to give them the world" basically. every little extra act of kindness is allowed and encouraged in her eyes. man she is such a sweetheart i love her


adelaide doing such honest work trying to take care of the body.
the instant she steps out the "EMPTY GIRLS" step in and basically objectify/ dehumanize themselves and us
so addie being there is VITAL.


seeing shirley, sirius, and penny talking to her. "we need intercessors." remembering the data trio, but they were dead, their essences were upcycled into this new trio. felt deep sadness in their hearts at this still.
some talk about the "chains" on penny's wrists? felt imposed. jewel spoke up from wherever-- like she likes to do-- saying they were "residual" from the sandman comic memories, they weren't an inherent part of her.
also penny ONLY looks similar to cannon & razor because SHE HOLDS MEMORIES FROM THEIR ERA, the sort of "hidden data" that the other two can't actively reach.
but her hair is DIFFERENT. it's the literal color of a penny, and swoops forward a bit at the bottom? very streamlined. not messy at all.

prayer hour "be a good soldier"


practically BEGGING jesus to "bring infi back" if it was his will. like if there was any chance then PLEASE.
the loss hit so hard, i was reeling, universe collapsed beneath my feet. couldn't cope.
jesus hugging me tight, pained expression, he knew how much this hurt, he wasn't ignoring or handwaving it away. he felt this grief too.
BUT he reminded me "INFI WANTED TO DIE." because ze couldn't stand being a sinkhole of trauma residue anymore. that era needed to collapse, to reset, and infi knew everything was hinging on hir.
and honestly... try to look at those trauma memories NOW.
try to look at the WORST ONE.
it's VOID.
it's just vague data now. the first-person existential horror is GONE. infi took it with hir.
...
dear lord what a sacrifice of love
i could weep for weeks over that fact alone
but jesus reminded me of this. infi HAD to die for our sakes, and ze WANTED to.
now things CAN shift and reset, things CAN get a NEW FOUNDATION, the spectrum can UPDATE AGAIN FINALLY.
nevertheless, if infi ever did or could come back... ze could NOT come back as "infi."
that name, that history, that past, IS DEAD, and MUST STAY DEAD.
it's gutwrenching but it's true.
i think the same thing is happening to me, on some level.
"don't leave it all behind," jesus immediately warns. don't trash the love. don't abandon your loved ones.
there are things that need to die, yes, but remember the resurrection.
remember the resurrection.


archiving and listening to vaporwave
cannot wait to sit and read through all of this in order when it's done, that's going to be lifechanging

For lack of a better term: all these individuals were the "default fronter" in musical settings, and may have been splinter cores. Nevertheless the ties to music as a whole speak to a great significance in the System function.

(later note: yeah we started this for music but it's become SO MUCH MORE than that. still, music is an unexplored and important anchor, ESPECIALLY FOR MEMORY.)

(another note: SOME OF THESE KIDS (like jarda & jheriz) WERE OBVIOUSLY NOT CORES. THEY HAD HYPERSPECIFIC FRONTING CIRCUMSTANCES, usually tied TO their music banks. That means there WAS a Bloodline EXTANT PARALLEL TO THEM.)

(AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT NOTE: I was wondering why there seem to be frontliners that ONLY fronted for musical circumstances? Well that is ACTUALLY CORRECT. They existed as a very specific subspecie of corpufoni, MEANT to be COMPLETELY ISOLATED from ALL other bodybased activity, INCLUDING THE SOCIALS. These unique "music fronters" literally existed ONLY to listen to music. That was HOW WE SURVIVED. They existed in this bubble of wonder and untouched joy that probably kept us alive during the trauma that we were completely unable to process at the time.)

------------------------------------------

ARTISTS THAT NEED TO FIND THEIR ASSOCIATED CORE/PSEUDO/SOCIAL &/OR DEFINITIVE TIME PERIOD(S):

• COUSTEAUX
• EW&F (definitely an elementary kid, but when?)
• The Flashbulb (iTunes era?)
• Jukebox the Ghost (BEFORE the massacre)
• Beirut (Last.fm era for sure)
• Brian Setzer (high school obsession, but whom?)
• Empire of the Sun (BEFORE SLC??)
• Everything Everything (BEFORE Scalpel)
• Daley (NIGHT FRONTER.)
• Allen Stone (Flairousia summer)
• Imogen Heap (Oneircia era)
• Hauschka
• Bersarin Quartett (very unique era and particular person)
• Orson (One of the radio kids?)
• PUNCH BROTHERS (I know it was Jay, but when?)
• Hiatus Kaiyote

SUPER OLD "ORIGINAL KID?" MEMORIES: 1993-1995?? The absolute earliest child. The spark of every flame to come after.
"JESSILYN." The ORIGINAL given-name kiddo and honestly the ONLY person with the RIGHT to that name. I don't think we had any pseudonyms at this point because we didn't see ourself as an individual yet, and certainly not "human." We kinned dragons & unicorns & bats & pterosaurs. Our color was magenta. It was a very different time of life.
Liked Winnie the Pooh, Mighty Mouse, the Pink Panther, Babar, Dudley the Dragon, and the MAGIC KISSING DRAGONS (1994). We remember seeing those IN STORES and begging mom for them.
Very sweet kid. DREW THE "BABY EATERS" THOUGH.
We have very little first-person EXTERNAL memory of being this child. What we do remember has to do with either extreme emotions (those baby-eaters) or our IMAGINATION, notably with our "DREAM FRIENDS"-- at this point being Unisalia, My Cobra & his band, and the original JEWEL ALIENS & JEWEL DINOSAURS!!!
Her music largely comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma.
"Solid anchor in HOME, no internal self-presence yet. Her life clung hard to every warm note of safety she heard in these songs.”

• ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
• PAUL ANKA
• ANDY WILLIAMS
• NEIL SEDAKA
• BARRY MANILOW
• RITA COOLIDGE

OLDEST MEMORIES: 1996-1997? 1995-1998? Pre-social childhood.
"ARBUTUS" codename. Sense of self tied to CHILDHOOD HOME LIFE. Key "image" is the arbutus flowers in the yard when we went exploring, and the wisteria bush outside our bedroom window. Also tied to the scent of the cream-flower bedding, the old yellow rug, the ivory cushion bench we would hide stuff in, the old standup bathroom mirror, etc. ANCIENT memories.
INDOORS & NON-SOCIAL CORE!!!! Also MAGENTA CORE?
EXTREMELY CREATIVE KID, because living inside & without social contact/ close parenting, her days were saturated with MEDIA. She is NOT anchored in the home, but in that MEDIA!!
Her music still comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma, mostly. We had virtually no other non-movie exposure.
DRAGONHEART WAS 1996 AND WE REMEMBER IT!!!
She also has ties to HERCULES (toys were 1996), GUMBY (1995), PRETTY PIGGIES, CARE BEARS, STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE, FERNGULLY, WE'RE BACK, THE SECRET OF NIMH, THE LAST UNICORN, THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER, and THE LAND BEFORE TIME (ozzy and strut are an injoke TO THIS DAY).
Don't forget the oddly notable impact we also had from the Chipmunks Adventure, Pooh's Grand Adventure, the Rescuers, Tubby the Tuba, Raggedy Ann & Andy's Musical Adventure, and the Jetsons movie!
Books were ANIMORPHS (1996), WHISPER THE UNICORN, "THE DRAGONS ARE SINGING TONIGHT," and "DRAGONS AROUND THE WORLD." All hugely influential.
She ALSO had the FIRST VIDEO GAME EXPOSURE with ECCO THE DOLPHIN!!!
POKEMON DID NOT EXIST YET!!!!!
LEAGUEWORLDS WERE MY COBRA, ZIMBO THE ALIEN, THE SNEAKERS, and THE UNICORNS

• Kid's movie soundtracks

SCHOOL MEMORIES BEGIN: 1998-2000?
"WISTERIA". COLOR SHIFTED FROM PINK TO PURPLE. This kid has LIFE in her!
She shares house-environment feelings with Arbutus, BUT THIS KID ALSO HAS SOCIAL MEMORY. Arbie did NOT.
Pokemon hit at last, and schoolmates start to bring their music in.
LOTS OF BOOKS AND TELEVISION, from the school library and mom, respectively.
This was BEFORE video games became a solid part of our life!!! So there was NO STABLE "FOUNDATION" TO BLOOM FROM at this point, BUT we could feel it when Pokemon started arriving on classmate's lunchables boxes, haha.
Her sense of self was SHIFTING & FRAGMENTED and we saw only glimpses of it in her creative writing.
THIS WAS THE FURBY KID (CHRISTMAS 1998)!!!
SHE ALSO LOVED TAMAGOTCHI ANGELS (1998), DIGIMON (JAN 1998), BEANIE BABIES (BATTY WAS 1997, STINGER WAS 1998), MLP G2 (1998), ASTEROIDS PS1 (1998; arguably our FIRST GAMES), A BUG'S LIFE (1998), and STAR TREK VOYAGER (8472 into 1998).
SHE ALSO HAD A "POCKET PIKACHU" (1999) AND TOOK IT EVERYWHERE.
Also Jason & the Argonauts?? I think this was when mom started to show us more "adult" movies.
BOOKS were mainly ANIMORPHS, Goosebumps, but also THE PRINCE OF WHALES!!!!

• 101 STRINGS???
• Lying on mom's bed and listening to "Instrumental Gold" on loop with the bros
• Some stuff from mom & dad: the Beatles, Kenny Loggins, Jeff Beck, Bruce Mitchell, etc.
• Bruce Mitchell

THE VERY FIRST JEWEL LIGHTRAYE: 2000-2002?
WE FINALLY GAIN A DISTINCT & TRUE SENSE OF SELF and she's a RED CORE.
Moralimon is our LIFE at this point.
MARCH 2000 WE MET CELEBI!!!!
JULY 2000 WAS THE POKEMON 2000 MOVIE. This was referenced in the POKEWORLD-WAR JOURNALS.
OCTOBER 15TH 2000 WAS POKEMON SILVER. We bought it ASAP after the release.
APRIL 2001 WAS THE THIRD MOVIE. WE REMEMBER SEEING IT!!!! That is UNHEARD OF!!!
THIS WAS ALSO WHEN WE GOT KLONOA and that CHANGED OUR ENTIRE LIFE
Other games: RIPTO'S RAGE was HUGE (2000), also Rayman? (1999), Buzz Lightyear (2000), and the racing games we would just go wild with haha. We'd customize cars for Moralimon and then purposely drive backwards on the track SOLELY to smash into other cars in the most dramatic way possible.
BIONICLE WAS 2001!!!! That was an ABSOLUTELY MONUMENTAL INFLUENCE TOO.
So were our books-- this era included A WIND IN THE DOOR, YOUNG WIZARDS, THE SEVENTH TOWER, DELTORA QUEST, and BALINOR!!
WALKMAN DAYS!! ALSO the days of the MIXTAPES!!!
SHE WORE THE POCKET PIKACHU 2 (2001) EVERYWHERE. That was attached to our belt, nonstop, for YEARS. She adored it.
THIS WAS THE TIME PERIOD OF THE WS MUSIC CAMP, aka our HUGE CRUSH ON HOLLI, and the FIRST TIME WE SANG. We were hooked for life, on both choir and cute chicks, haha.
ALSO, REMEMBER, STARTING AUGUST 2001 WAS POKEMON CRYSTAL AND WE HAVE CARDIOPHAGY MEMORIES TIED TO THAT. This Jewel was the REAL DEAL, ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
Lastly, the most important distinction to remember with this kid? SHE WAS NOT A TEENAGER, and she was NOT INTERACTIVE ONLINE!!!! SHE SPENT ALL HER TIME TYPING FOR THE LEAGUE.
Jewel was an absolute creative force; her imagination was unstoppable.

• The key to remembering her tunes: JEWEL MONSTERS. Probably lots of mom-given stuff.
• BASIA & GLORIA were BOTH Moralimon "karaoke" songbanks.
• Windham Hill samplers
• Yanni
• GEORGE WINSTON
• WINDHAM HILL
• "PREMIERE" piano album
• ELO???? Remember it was first the OST for SYNDOULOID!!!!! Try to feel out those memories for a timestamp!

arguably "CRYSTAL"??? the first SOCIAL SPLINTER of a Jewel??? 2001-2002??
Although existing at the same time as Jewel, JEWEL WAS INTERNALLY BASED. She existed vividly, but ONLY IN LEAGUE CONTEXTS!!! On the outside, SOMEONE ELSE WAS FRONTING WITH FAMILY & SCHOOL. We're thinking THIS is that kid.
Her music is therefore influenced by WHAT MOM PLAYED WHEN DRIVING. I think the key distinction would be that THESE songs WERE LARGELY NOT TIED TO THE LEAGUE (they didn't often match the vibe)-- and we ONLY HEARD THEM WHILE IN A CAR.
She is also POWERFULLY TIED TO THAT MUSIC CAMP as a result of the drives up & back.

• BASIA, notably "The Sweetest Illusion," during that awful porch summer with mom cleaning
• Grand Funk Railroad
• Eagles
• Boston
• Oliver
• k d lang??

THE "RUBY" JEWEL: 2002-2003?
Her time period is SUPER INTERESTING.
On one hand, SHE was the kid who FIRST got the crushes on RYOU & MARIK, in which her vibe feels VERY similar to the original Jewel-- it was LEAGUE-BASED. She began to write CROSSOVER COMICS/FICS in which she was hailing FROM THE DREAM WORLD, AS A WORLDJUMPER. She was not yet "LINKED" to anyone yet; she was only just unspooling the thread!!!
Her personal journal (the "daffodil" one) became MANIC in tone in 2004, BUT IMMEDIATELY PRIOR IN 2003, it was MARKEDLY sweeter and more sentimental, and it is ALSO where she drew herself sitting under that tree WITH RIO, with her Klonoa hair BUT in her "NEW OUTFIT". Even then we remember feeling a personality-anchor change inside. Her personality was SPLITTING and it was VERY OBVIOUS.
SHE WAS A TEEN AND IDENTIFIED AS SUCH. THE ORIGINAL JEWEL DID/DOES NOT!!!
SHE ALSO STOPPED TYPING for the most part, as her ENTIRE FUNCTION QUICKLY SHIFTED FROM THE LEAGUE TO HEARTSPACE!!!!!
WAS SHE THE ONE WHO STARTED THE "~thoughts~" FILE??? (HAD TO BE-- it was PKMN/LEAGUE aesthetics, and the first entry in there she IDENTIFIES AS CELEBI. GO CHECK DATES)
As for notable dates:
Yugioh began airing 2002, with Battle City beginning in NOVEMBER 2002. That was when we got into it; the previous Jewel AVOIDED IT out of "rivalry"; it was either YGO or PKMN and she chose the latter. (This is ALSO why we NEVER had a Digimon-core; our "exclusive loyalty" mindset prevented that)
Pokemon Ruby was also released in MARCH 2003. That was HER ANCHOR GAME. She also "had a crush on Blaziken" which is notable.
SHE WAS NOT INTO SONIC YET. SHE WAS STILL 100% POKEMON.
OH YEAH BUT SHE PLAYED STARCRAFT. That affected the League more than anything at first.
APRIL 27TH 2003 WAS THE CHER FAREWELL TOUR!!!
WE HAD A PURPLE BOOMBOX and a PORTABLE CD PLAYER as well as our trusty Walkman.
This kid BEGAN TO GO THROUGH MOM'S CD COLLECTION, which exposed us to SO MUCH NEW STUFF.
A HUGE DISTINCTION: THIS KID DIDN'T HAVE ACCESS TO INTERNET MUSIC YET!!!!!
HOWEVER WE WERE ONLINE NOW. She also started our NEOPETS ACCOUNT!
Don't forget, she was ALSO MORALIMON FOCUSED-- but THIS was when PART TWELVE HAPPENED, which shifted EVERYTHING in a much more emotionally raw direction. Also VEZ.
ALSO THIS WAS THE FIRST CORE TO OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGE BEING MULTIPLE!!! This was because HEARTSPACE OPENED UP and she began to exist as a person IN FIRST PERSON, instead of third!!!
LASTLY, remember how I mentioned Starcraft? THIS IS ALSO WHEN WE MET WALDORF!!!

• Pokemon OSTs
• CHER obviously
• ENRIQUE IGLESIAS (2002)
• LA BOUCHE???? I think that was HER, because SHE was the FIRST "radio kid" technically, but ALL HER TUNES WERE MORALIMON ASSIGNED. Not so for the later kids; that switched to HEARTSPACE!!!

CELEBI, NOT CELEBREON, WAS OUR POKE2/MEWACHU PRESENCE ONLINE.
Her vibe was tied to JEWEL, NOT HOSEKI.
2001-2002, arguably?
NO ONE HOLDS HER MEMORIES. Even when we visit her old websites, WE HAVE NO FIRST-PERSON RECALL. Her vibe is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than anyone else's. Literally NO ONE HOLDS THOSE MEMORIES BUT HER. They are shockingly hyper-exclusive.
WE WERE FULLY AWARE SHE WAS "SOMEONE ELSE" IN OUR HEAD. We clearly remember CHANNELING writing "from her perspective" and being disconcerted as to "why it didn't sound/feel like us." SWITCHINESS BRO. But yeah this was 2002.
Remember she was LEAGUE-ANCHORED and LIVED IN THE MORALIMON WORLD.

• I THINK SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "CELTIC" STUFF??? (Bruce Mitchell)

The FIRST Jewel-splinter took over as the "main" Social, and that was CELEBREON!!!
HER time period was 2004.
Remember we were ACTIVELY IDENTIFYING AS NONHUMAN DURING THIS TIME-- when we tried to draw ourself AS "JEWEL," IT DIDN'T PING. (Remember the "Christmas outfit" existential crash!) WHICH IS BIZARRE BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER.
She feels UNIQUELY SEPARATE from ALL the "Jewel" splinters!!!!
Her memories begin in LATE SEVENTH GRADE and STOP IN EIGHTH GRADE!!!!
ALSO. Remember this was when we wrote PaRS for school, and we were a self-insert... AS CELEBREON.

• CHER. For some reason SHE feels tied to that era even moreso than Ruby.

THE "SPINNINGCANNON" BLOODLINE IS BORN: 2004
TECHNICALLY A TEMPORARY BLOODLINE NAME "SHIFT" TO "HOSEKI"???

(THERE ARE DISTINCTIONS HERE THAT NEED TO BE CLARIFIED. THERE WERE SEVERAL INDIVIDUALS HERE-- THE "JEWEL" BASE, THE HOSEKI SHIFT, AND BLACKBERRY)

HOSEKI = “2004? The end of the GBA era, as we moved into the internet era. The first SHIFT in the Jewel bloodline.”

BLACKBERRY = “2004! Our first fully online Core, after Hoseki laid the foundation. But this kid was FULL TIME ANIME.”
SHE WAS “MEW BLACKBERRY.” I THINK this is also the “Jewel” that drew herself with Genesis in the old diary?? She looked TOTALLY DIFFERENT from anyone before.
Also, WAS "BLACKBERRY" OUR "FLCL" KID???
They were NOTABLY out around CHRISTMAS, listening to the OSTS, which were released in LATE 2004, and we remember someone buying it NEW at FYE. So this was LATE 2004- LATE 2005, and this is a VERY DISTINCT VIBE. 
WE KNEW GENESIS in that vague memory when we were blasting "Penalty Life" while putting up the Christmas tree with grandma!


JEWEL-SPCN = “2004. Chaos 0 and J-Rock. Our heart was waking up.”


OUR FIRST FULLY "ONLINE" CORE. ALSO OUR FIRST "VIDEO GAME" CORE!!!
LOTS OF ANIME EXPOSURE. "Sailor X," "Mew Blackberry," etc.
Her main distinction is that she was SELF-ANCHORED. ALL of her true associations were LINKS. If she got into a fandom, she LITERALLY "GOT INTO" IT!!!
Starting to branch out into "non-family" music, thanks to the internet AND now having BOTH permission to be more "free" in public AND an earned "allowance" to buy stuff at Waldenbooks & FYE (instead of Pokemon cards, which the previous Jewel spent her music cash on).
HUGE shift in personality; with high school on the horizon, and queer feelings under the rug, this kid was a quick but notable "break" from the "Ruby" Jewel, shifting hard focus from the LEAGUE to FANDOMS.
Remember her Freewebs site; she was SHEER HYPER MANIA... BUT WITH MANIA COMES RAGE.
SHE WAS OUR FIRST EVER "CORE" TO HAVE A DARK SIDE.
This was also the SONIC CHAT era, which says a LOT about her state of mind.
MEDIA: FFI, SONIC BATTLE, BIONICLE MASK OF LIGHT, STARCRAFT BROOD WAR, DOKAPON, SONIC ADVANCE 3!!! She also got Pokemon Emerald but DIDN'T LIKE IT. She also CLEARLY "REMEMBERS" NOT FEELING LIKE THE SAME "JEWEL" FROM RUBY. She even named her team differently, which was MONUMENTAL.
MANGA & ANIME: SAILOR MOON, FLCL, CHRONO CRUSADE, TOKYO MEW MEW, DI GI CHARAT, X/1999, GUNDAM SEED, DRAGONBALL Z. Just learning what anime was and we LOVED IT.
THIS WAS THE SONIC INVERSION YEAR, when it became a legit World of its own.
This was ALSO the "CHIBIKERRIGAN" YEAR.
IT'S ALSO THE LOTR & POTC YEAR, and those four latter fandoms were ALL BONDING WITH VIRAL.
Something else that's key: I THINK SHE FIRST WORE THE "CATHEDRAL BURST" GLITTER SHIRTS??? and stuff from "FANG" and "SELF ESTEEM." Absolute glittery Y2K fashion, with dragon belts and anime hair and spandex jeans with oversized sneakers.  it was awesome.
HOWEVER. SHE WAS NOT "IN LOVE"... AT FIRST. You remember the written chats with AMG; even then, SHE WAS TOO MANIC, even DELUSIONAL, and almost VIOLENT at times. 
We really didn't "fall in love" deep until we started work, and our entire System's fronting mechanism had to change, making a VERY HEAVY BREAK between "socials" and "dreamers," as it were. But that comes later!
This kid was too wild. She was obsessed with Skitty, Deoxys, and Jirachi. She liked Marik because HE was wild, too. She WANTED TO BE HARUKO HARUHARA.
HOWEVER don't forget that this kid was ALSO CLOSET QUEER. She was getting feelings for girls A LOT now, and deep down she DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ONE-- hence that "magazine epiphany" that rocked her world and PROBABLY BROKE HER FUNCTION CLEAN TO PIECES.
Honestly there was a LOT GOING ON PERSONALITY-WISE during this time. We KNEW there were "other people" in our head, INCLUDING CELEBI, JULIE, WALDORF, "MY THREE," AND ARGUABLY LAURIE. And we EXPLICITLY WROTE IN A JOURNAL THAT (EFFECTIVELY) "JEWEL IS THE REAL ME, BUT I'M NOT ME ON THE OUTSIDE." We remember struggling to try to explain to people why we "didn't act like ourself," and how existentially terrifying that was, to not be able to control who we were in public. We HATED the dissonance. But we KNEW there were splits. 
As a result THIS time period is going to be the HARDEST to pinpoint musically, but once we do, that is going to shed a LOT of light on things. Expect much typing.

• SPINNINGCANNON (the one who wrote music and drew on Bitmap? she WAS MANIC at first): Freewebs & Geocities BGMs. Chrono Trigger, Studio Ghibli, Sailor Moon... stuff we heard playing on other people's websites. Golden memories, honestly. It was like a whole world in there.
• SEAL, BUT ENTIRELY BY ACCIDENT. I wonder if that even stuck with us yet?
• THE KILLERS???? Remember that was a MORALIMON ALBUM! but it also HELD OUR "DARKER" EDGE, something VERY NEW AND IMPORTANT.
• FLCL OST and "the pillows" in general. Our "J-Rock" intro phase was CRUCIAL. It marked the BIG SHIFT in our Jewel-core's heart as a result of FALLING IN LOVE WITH CHAOS 0. Remember those were HIS ALBUMS.
• L'ARC~EN~CIEL. This was Chaos's flagship album, and a milestone in our life.
• T.M.Revolution, which was HOSEKI'S vibe!! She loved everything Gundam; remember Sazabi & Bakunetsumaru???
• Basia's "Time and Tide" album because QUEER FEELINGS AHOY
• QUEEN, due to realizing that ONE SONG was in Japanese. I clearly remember this was during the "DEOKISHISU" era (2004 movie), and also Gollum-coughing constantly. That was the MOST MANIC WE'VE EVER BEEN.
• TODD RUNDGREN???? When exactly did he become central to our musicsphere? Remember Dad HID the albums "until we were older" but we snuck "Second Wind" off the top shelf one day and were IMMEDIATELY FLOORED. We looped it for MONTHS.

REMEMBER--- THE "SPINNINGCANNON" NAME ARGUABLY BECAME A BLOODLINE OF ITS OWN ONCE WE BECAME MORE SOCIALLY ACTIVE ONLINE, ESPECIALLY ON DEVIANTART!!!!! HER ULTIMATE PERSONALITY WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM THE MANIC HOSEKI ROOTS!!!

THE FIRST SPINNINGCANNON WAS THE KID WHO WAS ALWAYS ON NOTEWORTHY COMPOSER??? I assume so because THAT'S HOW SHE SIGNED EACH TRACK. She wrote some darn good stuff too!
She LIVED ON THE COMPUTER and THAT is her key distinction from Hoseki. Spinny spent ALL her time looking and creating, personally and quietly. Hoseki spent her time TALKING AND HEARTSPACING.
BY THE WAY... WE STILL HAVE THE WINDOWS 98 IN OUR CLOSET... WITH ALL HER FILES. GET A FREAKIN' KEYBOARD & SCREEN AND LET'S BOOT THAT BABY UP


"spinningcannon" time period but OFFLINE??? 2003-2004.
Codename "JIRAI" because remember she SHIFTED FROM CELEBI/CELEBREON TO JIRACHI!!!!
Non-manic, quiet, secretive, sweet, candid, EMOTIONAL.
“Quiet mornings, quiet feelings. Our last "legendary girl", who fizzled out when high school hit hard. Introspective, sweet, candid, naive, mysterious, loving.”
NOT SOCIAL!!!! THEREFORE CAPABLE OF LOVE!!!!
DON'T EVER FORGET SKITTYGIRL, her very existence speaks VOLUMES as to the state of our innerself beneath the social mess. Hoseki DIDN'T DEAL WITH HER; that was all UNDER THE RADAR.
I THINK she was ALSO THE ONE WHO WROTE ALL THAT LOVE POETRY ON THE OLD COMPUTER???? She would listen to instrumental "new age"/piano music (mom's stuff) WHILE writing it, and I remember she saved it to that FLOPPY DISC WITH CELEBREON DRAWN ON IT. We were in elementary school still because it was lost on Ms. R's computer!!!

• KEANE???? That would mean SHE WAS OUR FIRST REAL SINGER???
• ENYA!!!
• MORE YANNI
• WINDHAM HILL??? Again, from mom.
• PAUL SCHWARTZ?

An UNEXPECTED person that we can ONLY place from album release dates-- someone from 2004-2005 with CAR MEMORIES who is TANGIBLY SHIFTING TO THE HIGH SCHOOL TIMELINE, BUT who is tied more to FAMILY??
Very unusual. Feel out their memories; they are NOTABLY unique.
Codename "JOBI" for obvious reasons-- also because they STILL had powerful ties to CELEBI.

• U2
• BON JOVI

++++++ELEMENTARY ENDS +++ HIGH SCHOOL STARTS+++++++


RADIO KID: 2004-2005?
"JHERIZ" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan.Oh my gosh that channel was a GOLDMINE.
She was SO UNIQUE. She was the FIRST kid to start DANCING, and to HAVE FUN when listening to music. We owe a lot to her, as a legit healthy Social frontrunner.
“Laughing, dancing, singing, feeling bright and happy and alive."

• The Aquabats
• Super Furry Animals
• "I CAN'T GET BEHIND THAT" and "show respect to Michael Jackson..."
• VHS OR BETA!!!
• SMASH MOUTH?
• IMA ROBOT?? Or were they starting to bleed into darker folks?
• TITO NIEVES! Remember we were low-key obsessed with Spanish music around this time!!

RADIO KID #2 2004-2005?
"JARDA" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan as well, but TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOOD. You can FEEL the switches BETWEEN these twins; they do NOT hold the same brainspace!!
This kid was KEY to our maturation internally; she was NOT A SOCIAL and she held some CANNON VIBES-- darker stuff that we were only now learning how to admit.
"Anthems and honesty. Learning how to speak truth in music. Driven, emotive, and anchored within-- a first step towards maturity.”

• HARD-FI
• THE KILLERS
• HOT HOT HEAT
• ROONEY
• THE HOOSIERS?
• IMA ROBOT?

THE "NIGHTMAREN" KID (2004-2005)
Codename "JESTER," because they were using "psychomaren97" as a username at first.
THIS IS WHOEVER MET GENESIS in 2005.
They were OBSESSED WITH NiGHTS INTO DREAMS & WTAHM / iMAGNiREALM, AND took MASSIVE PERSONALITY CUES from PARALOOP.NET!!!
They were INSANELY PROLIFIC and VERY active on deviantART BUT REMEMBER IT WAS ALL NiGHTS-BASED!!! That was their ANCHOR.

• The NiGHTS OST, OBVIOUSLY
• THE KLONOA OST. Although we had long loved the game, we didn't get our hands on the soundtrack until now. I remember we would listen to it on the bus, on Miriel, WITH GENESIS.
• TRiPPY's music.
• PHANTOM OF THE FREAKIN' OPERA. That was THE soundtrack to our NiGHTS spinoff for YEARS.
• ARGUABLY the KLONOA OST???? Remember we got a HUGE resurgence of love for the game AS ITS OWN THING, and became LEGIT OBSESSED WITH LORE

THE REAL "SPINNINGCANNON" (2005)
The username gained its OWN SOLID IDENTITY at this time.
TRIGUN, GENERAL GRIEVOUS, BARRY THE CHOPPER, AND ZATCH BELL.

• The Trigun OST, OBVIOUSLY
• SONIC ADVANCE OST???

THE BASILICA BUS KID!!!!! (2005?)
"JACILI" codename. KEYPOINT.
I mention them particularly because they hold the ONLY SOLID MEMORIES we have for ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL.
If we could ever find their old burned CDs, we'd be set for life, haha.

• Supertramp
• Chicago
• America?
• ZATCH BELL "character songs"??

"ROADTRIP MELANCHOLY" KID: 2006-2007
"JEANOVE" codename.
Long drives in the backseat, thunderstorms, feeling lost and unwanted.
"Long bitter car trips. Feeling estranged from reality. Melancholia. Detachment from family begins as it falls apart outside."
ALSO would shadow at work??? Any time we felt existentially hollow, she would show up.
NOTABLE "HOPEFUL EDGE" to this kid. They're not depressive-doomed; they're aching bitter. This was a very rough time of our life.
SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "1984" and "CATCH-22"!!!!

• Keane "THE IRON SEA"
• The Doves "SOME CITIES"
• Aqualung
• Coldplay? Only secondhand; we never owned the albums.
• SAM'S TOWN
• The Eels

"WORK & VACATION" KID: 2006-2007??
"JEVY" codename.
The "social flipcrash" to our feeling utterly gutted.
Transformers Cybertron, Davy Jones, Metroid, Niagara Falls, FMA, VIRTUAL ON. "Social mania" soaked into main. Very specific vibe, TIED TO FANDOMS.WAS THIS THE KID WHO STARTED RUNNING ALL THE TIME???
WAS THIS ALSO THE "KAIJU BIG BATTEL" KID?????

• ELO, notably "Secret Messages"
• STEELY DAN

"LIMEWIRE" KID. 2007.
Codename "JELIM." May or may not be her own person; she was NOT A SOCIAL though and LIVED INDOORS.
Giving her a very particular spot for now because we discovered some very particular stuff via the interwebs and most of it DOESN'T MATCH ANYONE ELSE.
"We discovered the internet was FULL OF MUSIC! This kid is anchored INDOORS, with almost no social exposure.”

• The Prodigy
• The Doves
• Frou Frou
• AMR DIAB!!! GOD BLESS THIS KID SHE GOT US HOOKED ON SOUTH ASIAN TUNES

LONG-HAIR "ANIMA/GAIA": 2007?
"AENIMA" codename.
"The inexplicably green girl with her eyes full of stars and her heart made of glass."
HUGE SHIFT in personality here, almost a FUGUE. Memories surrounding her are VIRTUALLY NONEXISTENT.
VERY particular mood. SCHOOL/ONLINE ONLY; she was NOT around the family???
Probably the MOST FEMALE "CORE" WE EVER HAD. And she actually resonated GREEN????
SHE WAS ALSO TECHNICALLY A MUTINEER; possibly the first one. REMEMBER SHE TRIED TO BOTH DENY AND "SEPARATE FROM THE SYSTEM", TO THE POINT OF LITERALLY MURDERING NATALIE AND LYNNE.

• Q-Lok's music
• THE EELS? I know Jheriz discovered them, but Aenima really stuck to that one song.
• One Year Yesterday??? We're trying to figure out where the heck they fit b/c there's like no memory attached to them; this MIGHT BE WHY. We're missing so much data from this time period, tragically.
• On that note, was SHE the one who listened to the Piano Tribute Players???

"WORK CRISIS" KID (2007)
"LUPINNE" codename.
Close to Cannon, but panicked. Less dark, more fear. VERY specific vibe, and clear, because existential terror makes the memory kick in!
DISTURBING undertone to everything. "Liminal" feeling to life.
"The first steps into the break. Harbinger of the Cannon era. Edges of psychosis beginning to show. Detaching from reality bit by bit."

• Boy Kill Boy
• The Drowners
• Minus the Bear
• LCD Soundsystem??

"ANOMALY" ERA: 2008.
"JANO" codename.
Cannon bloodline roots. DARK. Remember the bus ride to MOMA. High school ending, and we wanted to burn it all down and start over.
"Edges starting to show. Bus trips to NYC. Losing ties to the past. Slow burning anger we didn't understand.”
JTHM, INVADER ZIM, EVANGELION???
I THINK THIS IS WHEN THE SYSTEM WOKE UP FOR GOOD. WE HAD THE XANGA AT THIS TIME.

• Incubus
• Billy Talent
• Muse
• Alien Ant Farm

"JX7." 2008.
VERY STRANGE sudden shift. Semi-fugue??? ONLINE ONLY. Also GREEN!!
Obsessed with Pokemon.

• JAPANESE POKEMON ANIME + MOVIE OSTS

The "SYSTEM HEART" that SOMEHOW STILL EXISTED beneath all this. (2005-2008? In FRAGMENTS)
This person ONLY EXISTED IN PRIVATE, NONSOCIAL SETTINGS, but they were the TRUE HEART OF US. They "evolved" from whoever was with Genesis, as we got older and life got darker.

• JARVIS COCKER!!!!
• JOHN RUTTER!!! (Gloria: Vivace e Ritmico)

++++++HIGH SCHOOL ENDS +++ COLLEGE STARTS++++++


Another "work driver" kid, but the FIRST one with a "MARYWOOD" vibe. 2008.
"JEMU" codename.
Constant anxious burn beneath choking sadness. Feeling utterly displaced. Clinging to music, which was now becoming a real lifeline for us. Discovered iTunes.
"Existential split after college started. Long drives to work. Despair always lurking. No rage, no mania, only a wrenching sense of loss.”

• Sondre Lerche
• People in Planes?
• Rooney (second album)?
• VHS or Beta (second album)
• KILLERS DAY & AGE???

CANNON ERA: 2008-2009.
"Everything changed with her. Muted rage, muffled mania, mourning in blood. Gym rat, trauma truant, truth spitter. Fire in her very veins.”
NOT at night???
She had a WEIRD start.
WAS SHE THE ONE TIED TO WATCHMEN????

• MIDICRONICA, on loop at the gym while she burned off the rage
• "Burn It All Down" was her ANTHEM.
• Cubbiebear??? We were listening to that in 2012 though!! Was she still around or did SOMEONE ELSE pick it up???
•  

GLISSANDO ERA: 2008-2009.
Late nights on Apollo, blue city backgrounds, Jena's eyes, Dori's words. NIGHT ONLY.
"Rainy eyes, starry nights. Basically lived at our Macbook at 3am at the bar table.”

• The Books
• haruka nakamura? or was that someone else?
• Coldplay
• MAX RICHTER!!! We remember when "24 Postcards In Full Color" was RELEASED
• BENJAMIN BUTTON OST
• RAZ OHARA
• ERIC WHITACRE!!!

SPINZOR ERA: 2009-2010?
The OCT kid.
TOTAL MOODSHIFT. There had to have been a trigger somewhere.
LOTS of disco for Hosea, and ELO for Bluesky of course. ALSO SHRIKE & "SLIGHTLY MAGIC"

• Kool and the Gang
• ELO (revisit)
• "freeplaymusic" tracks
• David Bowie???
• GUNS & ROSES??

"SPINNIX" codename. Spinzor "splinter" that ONLY has driving memories-- TO university, IN THE DAYTIME.
LIQUID FUNK!!

• Commix
• London Elektricity
• Nu:Tone

"SPINNOX" codename. NIGHT VERSION of Spinnix. VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Again, they ONLY have memories of driving home at night.

• Fat Jon
•  nujabes?

"SPIKEL" codename. THE EXERCISER. This is a new, unique akoufoni class because starting with Cannon's bloodline, we now spent SO much time working out that we needed people to MANAGE that.
Notably this person IS NOT a "spin" but a "CANNON" in terms of how they feel?? Maybe even a TRANSITIONAL again, POST-MU.

• DANNY BYRD

THE REALLY FREAKIN UNHINGED CANNON "SPLINTER" (2008??)
Codename "JUGULAR."
INKYLINKYBOOO, ZOOPHOBIA, "I FEEL SICK"
Literally the UNHEALTHIEST and MOST HELLTORMENTED CORE we EVER HAD.
We were brutally self-abusing, we were addicted to torture porn and gore shocksites, etc. and the HACKS WOULD NOT STOP.
God alone got us through this time of our life, I swear. We should have died. Yet here we are now.

• ANGELSPIT

THE KID WHO WAS SENT TO THE PSYCH WARD????
They would have been LATE 2010 to EARLY 2011 and I KNOW for a fact they were into the v0lt@ge! Leagueworld, AND PROG ROCK!!!!
However their memories are TOTALLY FRACTURED due to traumatic circumstances. Nevertheless their heart WAS MALE ALREADY.
All we know for sure is that they were NOT CANNON!!!

• IT BITES

(WHEN DID WE FIRST START LISTENING TO TURKISH POP REGULARLY?? "İşaret" came out in 2009!!)


++++++BLOODLINE SHIFTS!!!+++++++


"JAYCE" ERA

"JAYCE" was the VERY FIRST. IMMEDIATELY pre-SLC???~2009?
BROWN CORE. That is INSANELY UNUSUAL and shows HEAVY INSTABILITY. What was BIZARRE though is that PINSTRIPE WAS WHITE. There was an INTERNAL SPLIT.
This is when we were temporarily living with dad, either in his old apartment, or way up on Mile Hill.
VERY FRACTURED TIME PERIOD MENTALLY, for what it's worth.
"The first solid core shift to MALE. Moving out of childhood home, shuffled between addresses, feeling just as lost inside, yet never giving up. Unmoored yet still following the stars.”

• RAZIA'S SHADOW!!!
• Modest Mouse
• Ben Folds Five
• Joe Satriani

"WILLOW" codename was a "splinter" of Jayce perhaps?? SOFT; his vibe was VERY CLOSE TO GLISSANDO, except he ONLY would be out at DAWN???
“Very unique guy. Sincere, hopeful, quiet, but never afraid. Early foggy mornings, always with the hope of moving on, moving out, moving forwards. A nascent living hope of something better, just beyond the trees.”

• NOMAK
• NUJABES
• UYAMA HIROTO
• TSUTCHIE

"INFLUTUSA" ERA. 2011?
WHITE MALE CORE. Arguably fragmented as hell.
ONLY listened to glitch/drone music.
"The glitch boy. Dissociation, derealization, depersonalization. No room, no safe space, no future, no past. Living in hallways on borrowed time. Losing self in broken notes. Brain like static.”

• Nikakoi/ erast
• the dirty spoons

"DEON?" 2012.
SALT LAKE CITY. Homestuck-era kid. RED.
HE WAS A SHOCKING DIFFERENCE and I think he only existed TO SURVIVE SLC & PRESERVE THE JAYS.
"Red boy. SLC time. Very lost, very confused, but still a brash and brazen flame. Strange time period.”

• serph
• Chad Valley
• CLIMBING WALLS, ANNA SUN, COLD DUST GIRL

"LYTRAILE" codename.
"The kid who was always working out and got us into KREVA!"
This was a DISTINCT era post-SLC, in a sort of "shift period" between the original Jayces and the new Jays?? ODDLY AND INTERESTINGLY their music taste is a sort of "positive flip" to CANNON'S, as they were both transitional eras.

• KREVA
• Kalassy Nikoff
• Super Junior

"CUPID." 2013 or so?
VERY different, unusual vibes. Hard to put into words but they are unmistakable.

• BATHS

"JAY IRIDOS." ~2013-2015, maybe? POST-SLC.
LEGIT GOOD KID. Sandman boy. One of our best Cores ever at heart.
FIRST SOLID WHITE MALE CORE. "The man with a heart like a rainbow.”
He had a lot of "signature songs" moreso than artists in general?

• ALSO FROST*???
• MESITA? He bought the signed album!!

BTW LATE 2013 WAS BEAUTIFUL. That was arguably the BEST Christmas of our LIFE and it has its OWN PLAYLIST for that reason (with everything we could find; most of that era was Soundcloud tracks by very obscure folks)
BUT AFTER THE MASSACRE HAPPENED everything started gradually sliding into hell, tragically. ALSO according to the Archives, Lent messed us up BADLY.
May 6th 2014 on LAST.FM records is shockingly beautiful though?? Lots of 2013 classics. We were probably trying to hold on to that around the body's birthday time. Still, FEEL OUT THESE MEMORIES and find out WHO holds them around the shift time.
A rule of thumb: ALL "INFI VIBE" SONGS BELONG TO JAY, OBVIOUSLY.


MID-2014 snapshot from LAST.FM=
HAYWYRE, SYLVAN, SON LUX, ANTONY & THE JOHNSONS, FORSS, M+A, SOHN, JAMES BLAKE
Also general vibe of KEITH KENNIFF, RYAN TEAGUE, SQUARE PEG ROUND HOLE, DAVID TORN, DUSTIN O'HALLORAN



WHOEVER WAS OUT IN THE "HELL SUMMER" (2015). IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE JAY.
THERE'S LAST.FM ARCHIVE INFO FOR THIS

• Cherry Ghost
• AQUILO?
• ALLEN STONE? Dude that was THIS TIME PERIOD???
• The Electric Soft Parade?
• Rhian Sheehan? Dorian Concept? Jack Garratt? JENSEN SPORTAG?
• NOTABLY THIS WAS WHEN WE DISCOVERED PUNCH BROTHERS

UPMC ERA "ISCAH". 2017.
Placeholder as she has to be her own thing because she existed DURING A LOCKOUT ERA.
"Inpatient girl. Exists ONLY in hospital settings."

• Hospital tunes, really

CHARLOTTE = "LOTUS"??? 2017-2018.
"The boy with the eaten heart.”
We're actually not sure HOW MANY PEOPLE existed during this time as pseudocores alongside Lotus; we listened to a TON of music but IT ALL HAS DIFFERENT ANCHORS, which is DEEPLY DISCONCERTING.
We might have to categorize them based on "mindset" at first, because it's a hyperfragmented disaster.
The overall mood/mindset though is DISTURBING. To this day, we cannot listen to ANY of this music without immediate REELING FLASHBACKS &/OR DEATHDREAD MELTDOWNS.

• SOHN
• SON LUX
• SEINABO SEY
• NIGHT BEDS
• EVERYTHING EVERYTHING
• EMPIRE OF THE SUN, believe it or not.
• DALEY (Color Spectrum album, ironically)

POST-DEATH: "TILLY"??? The girl with twintails. "Post-reset fugue girl."
2019-2022??? HELL OF A LONG TIME FOR SOMEONE SO DISHEVELED.
NO IDEA WHAT HER COLOR WAS, IF SHE EVEN HAD ONE.
ONLY LONG-HAIRED FEMALE "CORE" SINCE AENIMA.
Her time period is VERY fractured too, because her "sense of self" was almost nonexistent and we have NO MEMORY OF MOST OF IT. There were probably several pseudocore shifts.
GRANDMA'S CANCER DIAGNOSIS CHANGED EVERYTHING; that triggered a MASSIVE SHIFT in our very MODE OF EXISTENCE AND GENERAL CONSCIOUSNESS, proven by the fact that it's the ONLY TIME WE REMEMBER LISTENING TO ANY MUSIC.
We have no bloody idea what happened immediately after CNC. That person was violently animicidal and they probably didn't listen to anything but church music anyway, which is tragically hypocritical.

• Larnelle Harris
• Burt Bacharach???

"CHALYX" = 2021 HOSPITAL STAY.
She was NOTABLY and DISTINCTLY HER OWN PERSON. She was BLURRING WITH TILLY though!!

• SARAH JANE MORRIS
• She started listening to POLISH POP MUSIC actually.

POST-GRIEF, PRE-HOSPITAL. 2022.
Very unique and jarring era. We were displaced from EVERYTHING and lived COMPLETELY ISOLATED & ALONE for FIVE SOLID MONTHS. There is a REAL and SIGNIFICANT music profile for this time period though, because of all the addiction-drives this unknown pseudocore did.
THERE WERE "PHASES" of music but it ALL FEELS LIKE THE SAME PERSON... FOR THE MOST PART.

• ...

THE REALLY SPECIFIC "SAINT ANNE SUMMER WARS" KID. 2022.
Codename "JANAZMA" for sentimentality's sake.
A suddenly extant INDOMITABLE HOPE-CORE born to TRY AND STOP THE SELF-DESTRUCTION. Woke up via a DREAM and just... changed everything in an instant. Total 180 at the drop of a hat. It was incredible.
Existed from JULY TO SEPTEMBER.
They HAD A HEART. THE LOTOPHAGOI DIDN'T.

• STUDIO CHIZU MOVIES. My gosh I swear thank you so much for that. They became a LANDMARK in our life and we will never forget the feeling of SHEER INCANDESCENT HOPE that defined this small but indispensably precious time period.
• ...

2022 WAKEUP CALL, UPMC AGAIN.
SEPTEMBER TO NOVEMBER.
Interesting because, like with Iscah's debut, we have virtually NO MEMORY OF THIS. However there was nonstop muzak for distraction purposes, so we should be able to "ping" someone if we find out WHAT was played.
Remember THE SYSTEM "WOKE UP" NEAR THE END, so that will change the vibes a bit, but that will also be glaringly obvious.

• ...

AND NOW, WHOEVER THE HECK WE ARE. 2023.

• ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


LATER UPDATES...

We're beginning 2025 as I write this and we're already not sure of:

• Who the heck was at TBHU
• Post-Infi shift

DATES THAT PEOPLE FIRST EVIDENCED ON

 

1995-1999

JULIE= unknown date, approximately 1997

JEZEBEL= 1997, unknown date

 

2000

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE= spring 2000

 

2001

CEL= March 2001

 

2003

RYMAN= January 2003? or late 2002

WALDORF= March 3rd 2003

MARKUS= May 2003?

HOSEKI= May 21st 2003?

CHAOS= December 2003?

 

2004

"THIRD JEWEL"= March 2004?

 

2005

GENESIS= July 4th 2005 (Leo)

 

2006

SPINNINGCANNON?

JENNIFER= August 2006?

LAURIE= September 4th 2006

 

2007

NATHANIEL= unknown date 2007

JEMMA= unknown date 2007

 

2008 (first major headspace year)

LYNNE= February 8th 2008?

CANNON= May 15th 2008??

RAZOR= October 19th? 2008

 

2009

SECOND "CEL"

SPINZOR= August 2009?

GLISSANDO= September 2009

 

2010

LEON= April 18th 2010

THE BEAR= June 2nd 2010

SPINE= July 26th 2010

PINSTRIPE= August 5th 2010

JOSEPHINA= August 13th 2010

 

2011

XENOPHON= March 13th 2011

EROS= December 9th 2011

 

2012

AIRPORT= August 15th 2012

EMMETT= October 25th? 2012

 

2013 (the year the Underground opened up)

KYANOS= February 26th 2013

INFINITII= April 3rd 2013

GENT= April 19 2013?

MAVERICK= April 19 2013?

QUEEN=April 19 2013?

DAVID= April 23 2013

MARIGOLD= April 23 2013

MULBERRY= May 1st 2013

MINTY= May 30th 2013

CHRISTINA MARIE= June 2013?

JEREMIAH= June 6th 2013

KNIFE= June 12th 2013

OVERLOAD= June 12th 2013

HYAKINTH= June 14th 2013

JAVIER= July 1st 2013

ZWEI= July 15th 2013?

EINSATZ= July 15th 2013

SUGAR= July 22nd 2013

SERGEI= July 23rd 2013

DREAD= July 25th 2013

ALGORITH= July 31st 2013

SPICE= September 18th 2013

JAY= October 21st 2013?

AIMEE= October 29th 2013

AMARA= October 29th 2013

KALISHA= November 17th 2013

ISADORA= November 17th 2013

GARRISON= November 17th 2013

DREAD= December 10th 2013?

SHERLOCK= found his name in 2013

THE SCIENTIST

SHARONA

ANNA

HATCHET?

 

2014

KARISSA= January 25th 2014

THE DESTROYER= January 25 2014

ASHEN= January 25th 2014

NIENNA= March 2014?

TOBIKO= March 2nd 2014

WRECKAGE= March 4th 2014

JABBERWOCK= May 29th 2014

CHOCOLOCO= September 12th 2014

TIGERLILY= December 27th 2014???

 

2015

so far this year it's just been re-finding older people.

 

"BAT EARS"=

MOXIE=

 

2016

(hard reset)

 

2017

HARMONIA= May??

ISCAH=

SPIKE=

KITTY=

CRIER=

CAKE=

AXIS=

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

AUGUST 2013 WAS THE "DEAD MONTH"

julie/ sergei/ infinitii infant genocide shutdown.

jewel and the ap fronted for almost that entire month; NO MEMORY

 

august 6th, rescue with infi, glasses, chthonic magma zone.

august 28th was ecclesioumon

 

by september 1st, the underground was HUGELY PREVALENT, actually becoming in control of the entire system temporarily.

this was when knife ran the show, started trying to organize everyone in all the other levels.

very very very important for long term growth actually, thank him

 

however the first two weeks of december were fronted by someone who kept actively trying to deny headspace.

"the past isn't relevant" and "I want to abandon all this at once" were the main mindsets.

 

september 11th was the punchcard dream

september 12th, "j" said that headspace was not gone, BUT that "most of us were dead or gone". we also got our diagnosis.

ALSO said "I no longer have a solid identity so it's near impossible for me to enter headspace"

 

SPICE'S AUDIO RECORDINGS WERE ON SEPTEMBER 18TH.

at that time, no one knew who the core was, most of us were still dead.

 

SEPTEMBER 21ST WAS WHEN I SAVED INFI FROM THE TAR SPIDER.

I DO NOT directly remember it though, just very blurry awareness that I was there.

thus started the madeleine l'engle period!

 

sept 23rd was woodsmoke, sept 24th was knife in the mall. that was also the proginoskes time period. NO PERSONAL MEMORY.

sept 25 was a JULIE HACK, retributors smudging the entire room.

sept 28th was INFI AND LAURIE in lou's house.

 

OCTOBER 2ND: "THE CURRENT J DOESN'T KNOW CHAOS. NONE OF US DO"

OCTOBER 4TH: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO JAY; I THINK HE'S LONG GONE"

october 5th was the caliborn baby dream. I remember that?

october 7th was the desk cellar fear?

 

october 8th was mesita's album, AND sergei and hyakin calling me to diamew! FIRST TOTALLY CONCRETE MEMORY DAY!!

also important, I remember the ENDING of "many waters," standing by the stove, BUT NOT THE PREVIOUS TWO BOOKS!!

 

october 21st was the apples AND the yogurt shop.

I WAS DEFINITELY, TOTALLY ALIVE BY THIS POINT.

 

BIRTHDAYS SHOULD BE ON SIGNIFICANT DATES, NOT ARBITRARY ONES. FIND YOURS.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Spine Hypomone= "steadfast endurance"

Javier Anastasi = "resurrection"

Algorith=

Lynne Stabelle= "stability"

Josephina Bellameire= "beautiful/ one who shines"

Cel???

Nathaniel Victoire= "victory, conqueror"

???=

Harmonia=

Chaos Zefirum= "zero"

Waldorf Kalliope= "muse of epic poetry"

Leon Kiasi= "fear of death"

Laurie Uberich= "above self/ ultimate self"

Julie Enantios= "opposite"

Eros=

Jay Iridos= "iridescent/ two"

Infinitii Eternos= "eternity"

Sherlock Episteme= "to know"

 

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Jewel= May 7th 1990 (Taurus)

***2009 WAS NOT ME!!! (as far as Gens go, that was Gamboge)

JAYCE: 02-22-10 WAS WHEN I FIRST STARTED USING MALE PRONOUNS.

April 4th 2010= art of my Gen (ON 08-3-2009, I WAS ALREADY A WHITE GEN???)

STILL NAMED "JEWEL" IN MAY 2010 THOUGH.

July 2nd 2010= "seventy four" // july 10th= razia

BY AUGUST I WAS USING INFLUTUSA (AUG. 5 NAME LOCKED IN)

REDLIGHT: December 9th, 2011 (Sagittarius)

EROS: January 4th 2012 (Capricorn)

 

memory picks up around SEPT-OCT 2013??

RESET ATTEMPT? December 5th 2013 (Sagittarius)

 

Infinitii= April 3rd 2013 (Aries)

DIED/KILLED on following dates:
May 28th (kidnapped, brought underground)

August 1st? ('parasite' threat)

…

 

Javier= July 1 2013 (still manifesting) (Cancer)

July 28th 2013 (named) (Leo)

December 27th 2013 (resurrected) (Capricorn)

 

Spine= November 26th 2008 (Sagittarius)

FOUND around July 26th 2010 (Leo)

STABILIZED on January 16th, 2011 (Capricorn)

 

Lynne = February 9th 2008? (Aquarius)

First mentioned on February 26th 2008.

THE CONCERT WAS ON APRIL 20TH 2008 (3PM)

"Died" temporarily on April 24th 2008.

RESURRECTED: December 1st 2008?? (Sagittarius)

 

Josephina= July 26th 2010 (Leo)

(met on August 13th, hence his pseudo-birthday)

 

Nathaniel= February 8th 2008 (Aquarius)

December 15th 2008

April 26th, 2009

November 20th, 2009

RESURRECTED: November 18th, 2011

STABILIZED on November 9th 2012 (Scorpio)

 

Waldorf= March 3rd 2003 (there) (Pisces)

December 3rd 2002 (ck)

November 13th 2012

 

Leon= April 18th 2010 (Aries)

RESURRECTED: December 8th, 2010 (Sagittarius)

 

Laurie= September 4th 2006 (Virgo)

 

Julie= August 18th, 2011 (Leo)

 

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July 15th 2013= underground handwriting page. Einsatz and Zwei's names found. Einastz also evidenced in the car.

July 25th- mention of dread. may 2 & june 13th first listed. originally said he was a young adult!! fronted with others on dec 10.

 

algorith= November 12th 2013? (Scorpio) OR July 31st 2013 (Leo)

 

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timeline is largely missing from 1990 -- 2000

 

----------------------------ELEMENTARY SCHOOL-------------------------------------------

+ JEWEL LIGHTRAYE (2000-1)

+ CEL (2001)

+ HOSEKI (2002-3) (FRAGMENTED)

----------------------------high school starts-------------------------------------------

+ "third jewel" (dissolved) (2004-6?)

+ SPINNingcannon (2005-8?)

+ JESSICA (2006+?)

--------------------------------------------JOB STARTS------------------------------------------------

+ Jaqueline (2006+)

+ jennifer (2006+)

--------------------------------UNIVERSITY starts-------------------------------------------

+ CANNON (2008-9)

--------------------------ARTIST BLOODLINE SPLITS OFF------------------------------

+ CEL #2 (2009) (DISSOLVED)

+ Spinzor (2009) (SUMMER ONLY)

+ GLISSANDO (2009) (SUMMER ONLY)

+ "MANIC SPIN" (2009) (dissolved)

+ INK (2010) (UNKNOWN)

-------------------------BLOODLINE SPLITS IN HALF-------------------------------------

+ Pinstripe (2010) (DIED, FRAGMENTED)

-------------------------POST-UTAH SUICIDE ATTEMPT--------------------------------

+ "MALE JEWEL" (2011) (FRAGMENTED)

+ EROS (2012?) (SPLIT IN HALF, RESET)

--------------------------SLC TRIP MEMORY BREAK-------------------------------------

+ DEON (2012-3?) (DIED)

----------------------------------SCRATCH ATTEMPT------------------------------------------

+jay iridos (2013)

----------------------------------MASSACRE IN 2014 ------------------------------------------

+ JEWEL (2000) RETURNS

----------------------------------HARD RESET IN 2016------------------------------------------

+jay iridos (2013) RESTORED; POSSIBLE SURNAME CHANGE?

 

 

SYSTEM NO LONGER APPEARS TO HAVE A SINGLE "CORE"

 

UNKNOWN STATUS IN 2015?

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