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[prismaticbleed]

Today's topic is BODY IMAGE & HOW THAT IS AFFECTING/ INFLUENCING OUR IDENTITY, notably & especially MINE, AS the CORE, AND ESPECIALLY SINCE THE JAY BLOODLINE APPARENTLY HAS NOT DIED OUT. That "identity" was admittedly very broken-- there was no religious stability & there was a LOT of sexual trauma/ hyperromanticism as a response + coping method? --but Jay's era was also legitimately SO, SO BEAUTIFUL. yet it was just as terrifying. And yet HE WAS A LOVING FATHER and we FELT LIKE WE HAD A REAL FUTURE with him. But, for religious & physical & traumatized reasons, his bloodline CAN'T be the primary one anymore. The BIGGER problem? WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT BLOODLINE IS. The Jewels are NOT SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE and we're starting to suspect that THEY CAN'T "GROW UP"? because they CANNOT BE "WOMEN" OR IT WILL KILL THEM. But the JESSICAS are DAMAGED SO MUCH, and they're SPLIT HARD between EARLY CHILDHOOD & EARLY TEENS?? Even their COLORS differ. Like they're INCOMPATIBLE WITH EACH OTHER, and that is BAD NEWS FOR THE BODY because EVERYONE OUTSIDE STILL SEES & CALLS US BY THAT NAME. So, to SURVIVE SOCIALLY, THAT BLOODLINE NEEDS TO BE HEALED SO IT CAN DRIVE THE CURRENTLY CHAOTIC SOCIAL "SUBSYSTEM"!!! And they NEED to ACTIVELY WORK WITH US. I pray that all the "integration of our WHOLE history" work we're going to begin with therapy AND family movies/ photos will ENABLE that healing. Inevitably it will at LEAST "wake up" a LOT of 'foni who will potentially be PART of that broken bloodline. That'll be HUGE, because for YEARS the ONLY "Jessica" we knew about was the "ANGRY BROWN JESS" who later seemed to SPLIT into "JEMMA" ("sad indigo Jess?") as well? But they were a MESS-- barely able to function, with suppressed senses of self & definite suicidal tendencies. My question is, WHEN & HOW DID THEY BECOME THE "IDENTITY" TIED TO THE BODY'S NAME??? WAS THAT AROUND 2003-2004, WHEN THE GENDER HELL STARTED, THE EATING DISORDER BEGAN  AS A MEANS TO COPE WITH IT, AND AS A RESULT OF ALL THIS, THE JEWEL BLOODLINE SPLIT OFF HARD INTO A CLEARLY SEPARATE/ DISTINCT BLOODLINE?? Geez that's INSANE how it ALL LINES UP. This means we NEED to look at old photos. We've sadly lost ALL the archival data from high school, which absolutely breaks my heart. But God allowed it to happen, so we must accept the loss & move on with what we have, & learn what we can from the "voiceless" data MOM has-- which, ACTUALLY, might be EXACTLY what we need, because the "planner"/ dA/ LJ entries from 2004-2007 were MOSTLY MANICS. But they WEREN'T SOCIALS?? At least, NOT the ones who WROTE for the most part. BUT WHOEVER WOULD BE ON FILM & IN PHOTOS MIGHT BE DIFFERENT, and we've had NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT UNTIL NOW-- plus, with our mental illness/ eating disorder, we were really INCAPABLE of FACING, PROCESSING, OR EVEN ACCEPTING THAT DATA UNTIL NOW, when we're finally even wanting/ willing (in choice) to INTEGRATE it. ...But that's where "identity" gets scary. WHO WERE WE BACK THEN?? We WEREN'T a nice or good person. BUT NEITHER WAS SAINT DISMAS so pray for his help & CHILL OUT BRO, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LET GO & GROW & CHANGE FOR THE BETTER and WE HAVE. We just ALSO HAVE TO OWN OUR PAST, and THAT'S the ONLY WAY WE CAN. It's "OURS." It's MULTIPLE. Those broken, scary, angry, unhealthy, manic, lost girls STILL BELONG TO THE SYSTEM. They're STILL "FAMILY." And WE DON'T "HATE THEM." Our heart just breaks to realize that for them to be so distorted, they had to be damaged. 'Foni like that exist as "unhealthy coping fronters" because anyone SOFT or FRAGILE would get DESTROYED. So we have a LOT TO LEARN & it's ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to our WHOLENESS & HISTORY & CLARIFICATION/ DISCERNMENT of our TRUE CORE IDENTITY, and the RESTORATION/ REDEMPTION of the BODY & ITS NAME, so we CAN FINALLY OWN IT, TOO.

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Maybe "having fat" ISN'T about "using it yourself"-- this perspective that a fat body is "only acceptable if it's TEMPORARY," as something "waiting to be burned off" inevitably as fuel. But instead, maybe it's about GOD. Maybe just HOLDING that far, that "STORAGE ALTAR" for food = CREATION, close to a HUMAN SOUL, is ACTIVELY WORKING TO SANCTIFY THOSE CREATED THINGS. With THAT perspective, fat bodies are UNIQUELY & POWERFULLY HOLY. SO IS YOURS!

✳ "WHAT DID I EAT TODAY" = "WHAT OF GOD'S CREATION AM I HELPING HIM SANCTIFY TODAY?" (FOOD = PRIESTLY OFFERING = LOVE)

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Dude just think about this too: NOW you have the OPPORTUNITY & PRIVILEGE to WORK AT GETTING YOUR BODY IN HEALTHY, STRONG SHAPE! You're NOT doing the "cowardly/ easy/ CHEATING" behavior of STARING IT THIN. But we could NEVER BULK UP TO BE A TANK THAT WAY. THAT REQUIRES HARD WORK & ENDURANCE & COMMITMENT & PERSISTENCE-- ALL VIRTUES WE WANT TO STRENGTHEN AS MUCH AS OUR BODY. And now we GET TO. So JOIN THE GYM and START WORKING AT IT. You CAN do it!!