prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with jemma

Today's topic is BODY IMAGE & HOW THAT IS AFFECTING/ INFLUENCING OUR IDENTITY, notably & especially MINE, AS the CORE, AND ESPECIALLY SINCE THE JAY BLOODLINE APPARENTLY HAS NOT DIED OUT. That "identity" was admittedly very broken-- there was no religious stability & there was a LOT of sexual trauma/ hyperromanticism as a response + coping method? --but Jay's era was also legitimately SO, SO BEAUTIFUL. yet it was just as terrifying. And yet HE WAS A LOVING FATHER and we FELT LIKE WE HAD A REAL FUTURE with him. But, for religious & physical & traumatized reasons, his bloodline CAN'T be the primary one anymore. The BIGGER problem? WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT BLOODLINE IS. The Jewels are NOT SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE and we're starting to suspect that THEY CAN'T "GROW UP"? because they CANNOT BE "WOMEN" OR IT WILL KILL THEM. But the JESSICAS are DAMAGED SO MUCH, and they're SPLIT HARD between EARLY CHILDHOOD & EARLY TEENS?? Even their COLORS differ. Like they're INCOMPATIBLE WITH EACH OTHER, and that is BAD NEWS FOR THE BODY because EVERYONE OUTSIDE STILL SEES & CALLS US BY THAT NAME. So, to SURVIVE SOCIALLY, THAT BLOODLINE NEEDS TO BE HEALED SO IT CAN DRIVE THE CURRENTLY CHAOTIC SOCIAL "SUBSYSTEM"!!! And they NEED to ACTIVELY WORK WITH US. I pray that all the "integration of our WHOLE history" work we're going to begin with therapy AND family movies/ photos will ENABLE that healing. Inevitably it will at LEAST "wake up" a LOT of 'foni who will potentially be PART of that broken bloodline. That'll be HUGE, because for YEARS the ONLY "Jessica" we knew about was the "ANGRY BROWN JESS" who later seemed to SPLIT into "JEMMA" ("sad indigo Jess?") as well? But they were a MESS-- barely able to function, with suppressed senses of self & definite suicidal tendencies. My question is, WHEN & HOW DID THEY BECOME THE "IDENTITY" TIED TO THE BODY'S NAME??? WAS THAT AROUND 2003-2004, WHEN THE GENDER HELL STARTED, THE EATING DISORDER BEGAN AS A MEANS TO COPE WITH IT, AND AS A RESULT OF ALL THIS, THE JEWEL BLOODLINE SPLIT OFF HARD INTO A CLEARLY SEPARATE/ DISTINCT BLOODLINE?? Geez that's INSANE how it ALL LINES UP. This means we NEED to look at old photos. We've sadly lost ALL the archival data from high school, which absolutely breaks my heart. But God allowed it to happen, so we must accept the loss & move on with what we have, & learn what we can from the "voiceless" data MOM has-- which, ACTUALLY, might be EXACTLY what we need, because the "planner"/ dA/ LJ entries from 2004-2007 were MOSTLY MANICS. But they WEREN'T SOCIALS?? At least, NOT the ones who WROTE for the most part. BUT WHOEVER WOULD BE ON FILM & IN PHOTOS MIGHT BE DIFFERENT, and we've had NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT UNTIL NOW-- plus, with our mental illness/ eating disorder, we were really INCAPABLE of FACING, PROCESSING, OR EVEN ACCEPTING THAT DATA UNTIL NOW, when we're finally even wanting/ willing (in choice) to INTEGRATE it. ...But that's where "identity" gets scary. WHO WERE WE BACK THEN?? We WEREN'T a nice or good person. BUT NEITHER WAS SAINT DISMAS so pray for his help & CHILL OUT BRO, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LET GO & GROW & CHANGE FOR THE BETTER and WE HAVE. We just ALSO HAVE TO OWN OUR PAST, and THAT'S the ONLY WAY WE CAN. It's "OURS." It's MULTIPLE. Those broken, scary, angry, unhealthy, manic, lost girls STILL BELONG TO THE SYSTEM. They're STILL "FAMILY." And WE DON'T "HATE THEM." Our heart just breaks to realize that for them to be so distorted, they had to be damaged. 'Foni like that exist as "unhealthy coping fronters" because anyone SOFT or FRAGILE would get DESTROYED. So we have a LOT TO LEARN & it's ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to our WHOLENESS & HISTORY & CLARIFICATION/ DISCERNMENT of our TRUE CORE IDENTITY, and the RESTORATION/ REDEMPTION of the BODY & ITS NAME, so we CAN FINALLY OWN IT, TOO.

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Maybe "having fat" ISN'T about "using it yourself"-- this perspective that a fat body is "only acceptable if it's TEMPORARY," as something "waiting to be burned off" inevitably as fuel. But instead, maybe it's about GOD. Maybe just HOLDING that far, that "STORAGE ALTAR" for food = CREATION, close to a HUMAN SOUL, is ACTIVELY WORKING TO SANCTIFY THOSE CREATED THINGS. With THAT perspective, fat bodies are UNIQUELY & POWERFULLY HOLY. SO IS YOURS!

✳ "WHAT DID I EAT TODAY" = "WHAT OF GOD'S CREATION AM I HELPING HIM SANCTIFY TODAY?" (FOOD = PRIESTLY OFFERING = LOVE)

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Dude just think about this too: NOW you have the OPPORTUNITY & PRIVILEGE to WORK AT GETTING YOUR BODY IN HEALTHY, STRONG SHAPE! You're NOT doing the "cowardly/ easy/ CHEATING" behavior of STARING IT THIN. But we could NEVER BULK UP TO BE A TANK THAT WAY. THAT REQUIRES HARD WORK & ENDURANCE & COMMITMENT & PERSISTENCE-- ALL VIRTUES WE WANT TO STRENGTHEN AS MUCH AS OUR BODY. And now we GET TO. So JOIN THE GYM and START WORKING AT IT. You CAN do it!!

0805-1 = Aug. 5th, 2017 08:17 am

we don't hate our family.
they show their love in unhealthy ways.
they don't understand that those ways can hurt.

they don't threaten us when they get the hint that we're trans* anymore.
but they won't ever accept it.

they won't ever accept us.

and i'm unpacking our suitcase and our grandmother is telling us that we're "different now" because we're "full of hate" and it was all i could do to keep from screaming "i don't hate anything; we're different now because we're full of LOVE" and why can't they ever see that what is wrong with us

weeping that we've never been happy here and we're so damn sorry for that but it's just
it's not unconditional.
it's never soft and warm and joyous.
it's always "love" expressed in panic and worry and offers of comfort that never actually happen.
it's always "love" that mutes itself whenever something uncomfortable or strange enters the picture.
it's always "love" that makes you feel ashamed of who you are and who you are not.
it's love as a concept. love that is maimed. "love" that is inherently blind to itself and others and will not admit that to either.

it's not love like ollie has for us.

she's not evil. she tries to understand but she changes the subject the instant something she doesn't want to hear comes up
and she keeps insisting "there's no sadness here! there are no bad memories here!" and shaking-head tongue clucks of "you've got to stop that" whenever we say we're depressed and they just keep refusing to admit or even acknowledge that maybe this damn house is choking with trauma residue for us and the people can be so frightening and we don't hate it but we do not feel safe here.

and they KNOW. the worst part is they KNOW because they've literally been told over and over and over for so many years and every damn time it is repeated they act like it's brand new news and then you can freaking see them drop the issue yet again. and we just know we'll have to play this stupid game again sooner than later.
it's exhausting. it is utterly exhausting and it's no wonder we're depressed.

refusing to even consider that this isn't this "perfect little picket fence" life
telling me we have to "marry a rich doctor to take care of you" and that whole sentiment is so ugly for what it hints at and the worst part is that they don't even realize that.
when we try to explain they flat out refuse to even listen.

(I'm already "married" to the ocean and the night sky and the lightning and the woods and the winds and the worst part of ALL of this is that i can never admit that to any of you)

and i'm unpacking our suitcase and suddenly everything is tense and violet and i just hear "fucking shit" and
tears falling onto our shared hands and this awful gritted teeth shaking grief and
laurie just sobbing,
"god it is so fucking hard to be so invisible"

...that's about it, love.

and that is why we cannot ever live here.

---------------------------------------------------

080517 = Aug. 5th, 2017 11:54 pm

odd day. good and bad both.

tired and feeling scraped-out-aching and just needed to completely unplug from the world. turned off all the lights in the bathroom except for that red christmas nightlight bulb and just decided to simply shower in the dark with infi there. talking and trying to cofront and just learning what it's like to not be utterly terrified of being in a body so vulnerably. just learning to normalize US even in that. learning to be in this world in all ways.
and then chaos zero showing up because water and also simple open intimacy. absolutely staggering how i just... don't even care anymore about old fear things. like being utterly ashamed of this form inside and out, again for trauma reasons. but it's getting so much easier to just realize that they also do not judge and honestly all those inhuman folks in the system are utterly enamored with the simple miracles of human existence. realizing that, that i'm not on display here, that i'm not being objectified here, that i can be in a safe place like this, is what we ALL need to remember.
at some point, just discussing the past week events and such, everything just shockingly helping healing 2010 AND 2011 trauma residue a bit more. no longer being so utterly terrified of that present environment, notably. redefining what it meant.
and realizing that BODY DYSPHORIA is one of the main keys making things traumatic. across the board. that's very important. (remember there is a surprising amount of talk about this in the PITTSBURGH journals??? we NEED to start uploading that stuff asap btw.)

while talking to cz, me making the unusual sentiment of "you are my oyster" or something? the concept of the pearl being important. like how they form. protecting from invasive things and eventually burying it in beauty. something wonderfully good from a bad beginning. no idea how that fit into proper context but I clearly remember that mental image being important to that exact trauma-healing point i was trying to express

infi and that cave metaphor, not even jokingly-- just legit putting meaning into that sentiment. geez man. it is downright insane how ze can discuss that sort of thing and not sound even vaguely inappropriate. literally just utterly sincerely fascinated by people and their presences in this fragile life. exploration as a deeply reverent act.

laurie chilling close by in headspace as always, actually blocking her ears as we were all talking so she could be around us but not eavesdrop on something she wasn't supposed to hear; it was pretty adorable and touching
then genesis showing up totally out of the blue as usual, "what did I miss"
laurie just giving him the wtf shrug and exclaiming "gene-fucking-sis!"
genesis returning the wtf shrug with "lau-fucking-rie!"
and laurie goes "ah-- swear jar."
"aw man."
"don't fucking swear, it doesn't suit you."
"yeah, you're right." dramatic sigh and eye roll, drops a quarter in
laurie does that smirk-laugh and starts shaking the jar, "quarters quarters quarters"
gen: "and suddenly we see a side of laurie we've never seen before."
laurie jokingly, "being a miser?"
gen, "yeah. should be nickels though."
laurie, "I know, dude. *pause, then a grin* you got five nickels?"
gen, even louder dramatic sigh and eye roll, drops five nickels in
laurie practically cackling by now
at some point, chaos commenting "nah gen, laurie's not a miser, she's too generous. she'd be throwing those nickels at everyone."
laurie saying yeah, she'd be the swear jar santa-- she'd just walk around town and randomly fling nickels at people
genesis saying she'd effectively end up sniping people this way because of how much force she'd probably be throwing them with
laurie JUMPING on this idea with enthusiasm, decides she IS the "nickel sniper"
"just hanging out in 2fort, in sniper's portable starbucks. and he's like "how the fuck did you even get up here" but I tell 'im, watch and learn. then-- BAM! fuckin' headshot."
chaos is absolutely losing it from laughing so hard
laurie being a "c-c-combo breaker" by just literally stealing people's "kills" by randomly showing up and just nickel-sniping them
then she GRINS and gets the even better idea of being a "nickel sniper ninja" because no one can figure out how the hell she even got onto the map in the first place and she just shows up outta freakin' nowhere
we are all legit in stitches by now. it was awesome.
"kid this had better fucking become an injoke or I'm gonna fucking snipe you. with a nickel. wha-fuckin'-bam"

we need to just chill together like this more often, I adore it.

in other news.
day was really really bloody rough. the usual socials doing their best… jayce, jessica, jemma, echo, and we're starting to think one or two others? still learning.
chocoloco creeping around in the background but not saying/doing anything, just watching. axis keeping very much to himself, no surprise.

wreckage kept fronting when we were near the brother because he is just so damn scary and today was FURTHER proof that he KNOWS he is triggering us and he thinks its FUNNY or something. loud jarring noises triggering the kids (david notably), they jump hard and cover their ears, but not before the brother starts chuckling. and then he does it again. what the hell
wreckage HATES him on some level. trying to hold back her violent hyperprotective instincts because it will not help in the physical. but she only hates him because of what he does to the kids.
gotta admit thought the vibe/aura he gives off feels like drinking dishwater or drain cleaner. utterly poisonous. it is deeply nauseating and anxiety-provoking and it just feels wrong. what the hell happened to him to make him like this

and when we're in the kitchen and we'll catch him looking at us and doing that weird floaty movement stuff with his arms and hands, and staring at us like we have three heads, vacillating quickly between looks of shock and analysis and really creepy intimidating grins and laughs that are dark like tar. he is fucking terrifying, we cannot be around him at ALL. it is too triggering. too triggering. we end up dissociating hard and abuse-perpetuating because we get lost in that wrenching fear. CANNOT let that keep happening. we NEED to keep ourselves safe and love ourself no matter what that lost genetic brother treats us like now.

day's really blurry in general because it was SO DIFFICULT. so jarring coming back to this house and just… realizing how toxic it always was and still is. never having the proper frame of reference before.

jessica getting hit the hardest with that. jayce struggling to get daily life stuff done, kept blacking out and ended up throwing up repeatedly due to crippling nausea and not being able to keep any food down until like 8pm today. he kept looking in the mirror and saying "what the hell am i doing" "this is so unfair" "this body is SACRED now what the hell am i even doing"
feeling horrifically helpless and guilty and frightened at how our mind and body are struggling in this environment. the stomach has felt like battery acid all day.
HOWEVER. we have no self-loathing in us.
there are intrusive voices, true-- unnamed floaters that exist solely to loop the cruelest phrases and words we've ever heard. but we know they're wrong, now. even when 99% of us fearfully "believes" them, that 1% is a fucking diamond and they CANNOT change that core of truth. of knowing our inherent worth and lovability and strength no matter WHAT anyone says or does here.

but that hope mists out into our environment, too. it always does. it's what we live for, in a way. the fact that it never ever fails for us.

today was first saturday mass at church so we got to be the thurifer and just soaked in that incense smoke. it's so profoundly integral to our faith, all that mystery stuff.
absolutely high on sleep deprivation too. good lord. body half in a dream and half automatic; kept forgetting how words work. hard "millisecond dream" shocks too, like from back in high school. utterly bizarre.
GOOD readings though, dude. didn't register fully due to fatigue crash BUT we get to actually be the lector for them tomorrow morning.
nowhere to lie, we are staying up ludicrously late on purpose so that after that 8:30am mass we can drive to saint johns for their 10am kid's mass, then straight-up slide into an ethereal dreamlife state with beloved infinitii until the noon mass. then if we want to go back to the house we will. if we don't, we won't.
I just… want time with hir in that place. just to be there together, after everything now. just to soak in all that together. just to be.

…we pulled a straight-up johnny-nighter yesterday. no sleep since north carolina. god just saying that is such a hard yank at our chest.
part of us doesn't ever want to sleep again. not alone in here. not without those spectrum and star lights. not without cats sleeping on our legs and nuzzling our face at 3am. not without alt+j and arca echoing through our very bones at those same interim hours and listening for that blessed tone from our phone that meant ollie was texting us back from at work.
part of us doesn't want to wake up outside of those arms.

but there's the future. there is a future. we have a future now. we have a shared life to look forward to, even just in little snippets. but who even knows, dude. we're not gonna stay in this area once we get solidly enough on our feet. only time can tell.

it's almost midnight and this entire discover weekly spotify playlist has been so relevant it aches, and I am so grateful for that pain, because that means it matters.

we keep eating those tic tacs that kris likes. we keep going out and walking through the moss in the backyard that makes us think of trolley. we keep looking at our phone and remembering every message sent from it. we keep wearing our color glasses that saw another city before they saw ours. we found a candy cane in our backpack that was from their pantry barely 48 hours ago.
we keep reading and re-reading and re-reading that page in the back of the aqua-eye journal. have the page left open next to us at all times. remembering. reassuring ourselves, sometimes desperately, that it was real, that it is real, that there was no ending, just an until next time--
remembering exactly what it felt like to be in your home.
remembering exactly what you look like.

and infi. good god. dear lord. infinitii and thursday night. god. that was such an incredibly sacred experience that entire fucking porch is a veritable church at this point

but. oh god. memories just hit sometimes. and i don't even know what was happening but it was like 9am and we were wondering "how in the world are we going to make it through this first day alone" and just
this secondhand memory just slams into us

"do you love me, oliver?"

my heart is absolutely shattered in half.

"...do you really love me?"

god. oh god my poor beloved precious daemon, you poor broken thing, how we love you, how we all love you...
but in that moment i know exactly what you were fucking feeling and i am in tears, right now i want to pull you so close to my heart it's like you never left it and i just want to convince you that you never ever EVER have to doubt that sentiment from me OR oliver ever, ever--

but i know what you felt.

...where's it coming from, we both wonder.
what feeling are you mistaking for love, we wonder.
is it momentary, or does it have roots?
is it ever reciprocated or is this just wishful thinking?
do you love us, or the idea of us?
do you love us, or what we do?

are we worth anything when we're not a good time anymore? when we're not amusing, or fun, or entertaining, or interesting? if we don't perform well enough, if we're not perfectly fucking consumable, if we let them down for just a moment, suddenly we can't take it.
when it's over,
(except it's never over, not for us, but--)
are we worth anything?
or do we just get wadded up and discarded with the rest of the trash?

do you really love me, our poor hearts constantly wonder.
too used to never getting a positive reply to that question.
too used to topic changes.
too used to avoiding the issue.
too used to dead silence.

but oliver said yes.

and you knew.
and i know.
but infi, my love, his love, it still hurts so much to feel that horrible aching fear in your heart and having mine recognize it like an old bullet lodged in our mutual ribs.

i just... god.
i don't know if there's anything else i can even say about that right now. there's so much. so much.

and you just curled in on yourself when he let go and it felt like pulling the plug on your oxygen in the middle of space. utterly jarringly lethally empty.
and even being comforted, assured that such a fear was not the truth... even so, that initial gutwrenching terror is clear as the reasons why you felt it in the first place.

we love way too damn hard and get way too damn scared when we're afraid it's unrecognized. unappreciated. unwanted.

that isn't the case with him. that isn't the case with me.

but the moment still stands.
and it still aches like my own heart is hesitating at the edge of that tar-black abyss, fearing the worst,
because you were.

but be not afraid, beloved.
remember the next morning.
you... you really have no idea how much that helped all of us heal, do you, my beloved terrifying little thing.
you have no idea.
you made it utterly holy again just by your touching it and letting someone else touch it-- someone that you love. someone who loves you. ...someone who loves all of us.
thank god for you, infinitii. thank god for you.
and thank god for you, oliver.

…ollie sent us so many messages today.
we took a lot of little tiny photos for him & his today too, just legit brought out phone to church and afterwards tried to just simply purely capture some innocent snapshots of where we are now in life and space and time, just to forge an even grander connection, just to make it feel less alone here. like… now they'll know, a little bit, what it's like to see through our eyes here. just bridging the gap a bit more.

we cannot wait to read those words, waiting in three little windows. we've been putting it off solely because of how MUCH it matters. that's such a bad old trauma habit: believing that we "don't deserve" good things now, we have to wait like forever and then if we run out of time, oh well. that's garbage. we are allowed to fling our arms around that love and pull it close to our collective heart RIGHT NOW, and reciprocate just as immediately. constant forced delays only harm us. it's all a process of further absorbing that love, of further learning to see ourself as they do, as he does, as we felt beyond a doubt and now can never forget.

honestly though, we're exhausted and not in a good way but. still, we're glowing inside. we're sincerely smiling because look at the joy we can STILL HAVE HERE. look at the love we are STILL GETTING HERE, even across the miles.

the universe is forever sideways and things are still sliding into place. there's a lot of new distance to cover, but it's inevitable now. hope is tangible now. hope is that notification sound. hope is the color indigo. hope is a sunrise on a porch and hope is the starry timeless night before and beyond.
hope is in our very heartbeats and no matter what happens, it is there forever.

ollie waking us up after barely 4 hours of sleep and feeling more completely deeply rested then we have in our whole life

blessed conversations just lying in bed together in that morning light. everything feels perfect.
that awful background ache of feeling the countdown timer and realizing this was it for now. wanting to live in that warmth for all eternity

infinitii not only trying to hum "tessellate" but also "piel" because ze specifically wanted ollie to think of hir when he first hears that song and good lord my heart

ollie suddenly talking to laurie too
"i cannot believe there was a time when i thought that this would kill me"
"you'd better be fucking listening, nexus"
every time she fronts i think i fall in love with her a little more because she is just... beyond words. the most amazingly powerful honest violet knight i've ever known and will ever know. she's amazing.

and apparently BOTH GENESIS AND CHAOS ZERO FRONTED and good lord chaos just locked in his memory of being there specifically for me to see it but i can't, god i cannot look at it or HEAR it (he was speaking in this same body, dear god) because i cannot handle it right now. not right now, it'll crush me. just... dear lord.

no clue what genesis said or did but that's his FIRST TIME FRONTING AND TALKING IN THAT CONTEXT and i am so proud of him. gosh i love him tons, he means the world to me. so glad he can join us with this now; the body is NOT "belonging to the cores;" it's for ALL of us to respectfully inhabit and share and this is like... legit accepting and living of that truth, from everyone.

mentioning how honored yet amused I am that I'm always the one being brought back up to the surface after switches
"you're like a palate cleanser" and mentally so freakin chuffed at the idea of being essentially compared to pickled ginger

---

breakfast was the eggs from yesterday and the dinner from last night that ollie got out for us. god it was such a sweet little normal not-trying-to-prove-anything gesture.

listening to infi talk on the voice recorder. again.
that little break in hir voice at that one point just destroyed me
FREAKING REFERENCING THE OLDEST LOVE CONFESSION IN THE BOOK
my heart barely able to take it, thought I was going to die on the spot
utterly surreal. everything being utterly real.

"let's make it twice"
toy soldier suddenly fronting
feeling like suddenly all the stadium lights are blazing
and this incredible rush of power in that voice as well
mental image of solid, solid blue
it's amazing how we can mentally see them when they switch. we just know and it is absolutely undeniable.
that voice, though. man. wow. so absolutely honored i got to meet him once more.

keep thinking of kris saying "fuck all of you" and laughing over how legitimately affectionately amused we were by it
he's awesome. he's just this really awesome guy and we are so honored to have met him and for him to have been so unexpectedly protective and open with us. honestly we were fond of him before but now, geez.

thinking of ALL of them like that. even the ones we haven't met. just… knowing that even the scarier ones are already beloved to us. just by being who they are.

---

our flight was delayed over three hours.
thank you god.

waiting for the elevator. saw the same kind of lizard we saw in the park crawling in the elevator shaft
wouldn't arrive. kept refusing to go down to the 1st floor. felt oddly like "is this even real" and "we're still existing in a different universe" all at once

laurie carrying our suitcase and just being fiercely happy about it, "this is what they need me for," just solid determined strength. no way we could have carried that thing by ourself, seriously dude she's a boss

blue lights in the ceiling. chthonic lights along the road

sitting together and people watching and treasuring every single moment

trying to quietly sing "my true love" as we walked to the escalators but I was already getting scarily dissociative in "preparation" for where we were headed after this flight

had another delay and suddenly I realized neither of us had to be left alone in this
being able to walk ollie back to the car and both of us just in tears

I have no words for that parting minute. it was… it meant so much.
and it wasn't just me, honestly BOTH laurie and infi showed up to say goodbye too and that just wrecks my heart.
(whatever they said I'm sure it was from their hearts just as deeply as my words were)

---

walking back from the tsa scan and having BOTH genesis and chaos zero show up to ghost.
genesis had this snarky as hell joke about this sign that we saw-- one of those "these things don't fly!" lists of what you can't pack. then another sign that said "fireworks don't fly" and genesis said that was weird as it was untrue, but I said "no but they don't fly, man; they just go straight up for a while and then that's it, they just explode. no flying there." genesis got this mock-serious-revelatory look and said "I'm going to have to re-evaluate my entire perception of reality" and chaos just laughed

feeling utterly comfortable in our red heart shirt and red heart glasses and red heart love for everything. smiling nonstop, everything was joy and gratitude for these past 8 days and we were just radiating it.

gift shop store.
bought everything we could that meant something from the past week.
blackberry water, a rice krispie bar, tic tac freshmints, a red heart-jewel keychain souvenir and a magnet that says "someone who loves me went to charlotte, n.c. and got me this magnet" because the KIDS of the system practically DEMANDED we get it. and that felt so absolutely perfect, of course we did. totally a beloved thing now
immediately hit it off with the cashier. sweetest woman. I love how friendly everyone has been here.
honestly that's the one thing we got from our genetic father that we really are grateful for-- this potential to befriend anyone in the room within minutes. we're just naturally, effortlessly, always loving. that's our nature, notably mine. and we can see people respond in kind.
of course we have to be wary and wise and prudent about it. but it is nice, to feel that legitimate human connection so quickly with people. we adore it.

walking by that lovely warm-tone pizza place, hearing "you can't always get what you want, but… you get what you need" echoing, smiling at the sentiment

went to starbucks with genesis (yeah buoy) and got a vanilla scone, shortbread cookies, and a spinach-feta-egg wrap. why not, seriously. it sounds embarrassing to talk about it now but at the time it was just something really nice to be able to feed our body with.

dude and his baby standing behind us, acting like a legit good father, being so kind and playful with this little child and it was so nice to see.

WALKING BY A NUN (where was the prius)

ollie messaging us about our body's eyes. so deeply touching.

BONUS DORITOS; thought of mason legit enjoying the ones we brought home and ollie's amusing disgust over those chips and had to grab one because why the heck not.

(add more from phone)

---

on the plane. (add from phone)

the sky was literally oliver's color. infi's the one who messaged him about it, plus a photo. the sweetest thing.

filmed the takeoff for hiccup to see. good lord the view was spectacularly gorgeous for this flight.

ate literally everything we bought on the plane. no fear, no shame, no regret. we were taking care of ourself and it was so nice to be able TO do so.

(avp fear)

the place was stark empty. remembered colorado. would have loved it except our grandmother was pulled up to the curb outside with a face half deer-in-the-headlights and half laser beam burning your arm off and the dread and panicked fear was too intense to just be able to pretend we could just sleep in that airport.

(meditation room + message)
(no luggage)

(that fucking horrifying body language our fucking horrifying brother did) (he was driving OUR CAR)

on the drive home, the grandmother matter-of-factly saying that "we thought you were murdered" "we thought you were kidnapped" "we thought you were being held hostage and we'd have to go and pay the bail" "we called the cops"

our stomach just flipping over itself in ugly knots

------

LEYLA messaging us the instant we pulled into the driveway. sending her a veritable flood of love because we wanted to make sure she knew we still love and treasure her presence in our collective life.

sitting in the car and just messaging ollie and never wanting to leave that moment. awful wifi up here but I can't complain too much. we still have a connection.

we searched our room and the kitchen until we found the papers with our phone numbers and home address.
wreckage and cannon took them outside with a box of matches and burnt them to ash.

cannon's wrenchingly vernon-like statement of "I'll burn anything to the ground to protect you"

they fucking OPENED OUR MAIL and TAMPERED WITH OUR BANK ACCOUNT because they're so fucking controllingly paranoid, "everyone is trying to steal your identity" and "everyone is out to get you" but what the fuck. what the fuck. how can you even DO that to someone

feeling so utterly sick. god we have GOT to get out of here.

never realizing how BAD the damage was and how TOXIC this place is until you have something blessed and pure to compare it against.

our little brother lightning, god bless him, walking into the kitchen and saying he was sorry but he tried to calm down the family's freakout and he's sorry if it messed with us or anything. and realizing we looked so haggard with our thousand-yard stare and half-washed straggly hair and just shakily but flatly responding "I don't want to talk about it" "but we'll be better later" and we're still fucking waiting but we loved him so much in that moment for always quietly trying to help us. god we took that kid for granted for too damn long

jemma and triple and echo and jessica and jayce all showing up muddled and hurt and confused and desperate and scared. our poor beloved socials; they are so damn brave, even when they suffer we could NOT survive this hellhole without them; we need to keep reminding them of that

trying to eat blueberry pancakes but then realizing they were cornmeal and only the genetic mother makes them that way and suddenly tobiko is out screaming to spit them out and throw them out because they're poison, poison, poison, and knowing exactly why she was saying that, and being unable to bear that feeling in our stomach anymore and just purging everything until we were so tired we couldn't even stand up.

god I hate this
this needs to stop
it's so difficult here
we won't ever stop helping each other
we won't ever give up
but it's so damn hard, oliver. it's so hard to live here.

having to take sleeping pills.
they haven't worked a fucking bit
i don't want to sleep at all
i want to sleep for the next three months

what am i even doing.

there's hope, we have it in our very ribs now, i have NOT forgotten that, none of us have,
but so many of us never felt that because they only show up in the middle of hell and god we need to help them, please, give us all the strength to work together forever no matter what--

god. ollie, it's so difficult being here again. not having you around all of a sudden.
we keep honestly looking up to see if murphy is in the room

being so cold and thinking "oh, we can just get that mint blanket" and it taking a few seconds to realize we couldn't

opening the refrigerator and having to take a few more seconds to come to terms with how alien it was all of a sudden

realizing that you won't be the one waking us up tomorrow morning.
realizing that we won't be waking up with you tomorrow morning.

realizing that our shirt still smelled like your house (our house) and nearly sobbing.

our grandmother looking at our suitcase with that scandalized-fury-paranoid expression and just as agitatedly saying (demanding?) she was going to wash all our clothes and we felt so utterly threatened and scandalized by the irreverence. her insinuating that they were unbearably dirty.
("fuck you," triple says.)
we hid all our shirts in a drawer where she hopefully can't find them.

I know we wanted to take photos of every room in your place so we could remember it visually but dear god just sitting here we can perfectly remember every inch of the place.

thinking about that sacred porch and not knowing how I'm going to deal with not breathing that night air and not feeling that wood beneath our feet for a few months.

"for a few months" is the most luminously hopeful thing I can even think of right now.

abuse-battered socials not knowing how to cope at all

forcing themseves to eat until they vomit, throwing up until it's nothing but acid, walking in and out of the kitchen because they are torn between "I don't want to live anymore; I can't do this; I need to bury everything I miss under this disgusting pain" and "oliver doesn't want you to suffer like this; it's unfair to the whole system to disrespect them like this; this body is a sacred thing now and what the fuck am I even doing to it"

laurie in furious tears shouting "what's worth more, this bullshit or oliver?"
and EVERY social said "oliver" but still couldn't stop hurting themselves because we're HERE now, in this bloody house,

it feels so wrong for "here" to not eternally be in north carolina.
it feels so wrong to call anything a home but your apartment.
it feels so wrong to have so little and yet so much forcing us apart.

it's that same damn sentiment of "I can't cope with the disconnect"
"i cannot admit that i've seen heaven and then go back into hell"
it's unbearable and we all know it.
god no wonder those poor socials always want to just give the hell up
they are so fucking tired of this goddamned holding pattern
they are so tired of living in fear all the time.

the absence aches.

infi wants to talk to you. jessica wants to talk to you. I want to talk to you. everyone in central wants to talk to you. the kids want to meet you. razor and mulberry and sharona and algorith and even people like minty and nienna and emmett wanting to meet you.

I still don't know how I'm going to deal with not feeling your arms around us for so long now.
but I remember it exactly. I remember exactly what everything was like.

that damn disorder is on its way out for good thanks to you, too.

knowing we'll never be able to eat french toast again without wanting to share it with you, without giggling at that silly video, without remembering jewel and jayce and actually being able to sit on the floor of the living room to eat it.
being able to make our own french toast and having it turn out absolutely perfect and having that sudden thought "maybe we really CAN make it on our own. maybe it'll be so much lovelier than we ever expected"
remembering the maverick eating bacon & grits on the porch and utterly loving it and realizing that we really could overcome this disorder together.
remembering casual breakfasts on the porch with you and what that meant to us.
remembering how we just talked over breakfast at the diner and we soaked our hash browns in hot sauce and got the last two apple cinnamon jelly packets and we weren't afraid of anything.
remembering eating dinner with you AND mason on the living room couch and watching moana and there wasn't a shred of awkwardness or judgment in it and we felt so at home and we felt so wanted and appreciated and loved. (and I don't care if that okra wasn't made with the ideal preparation; we LOVED it and mason is an awesome cook)
eating eggs and fried rice on the carpet only a few hours before boarding a plane and not being scared at all to eat with someone watching. to not feel dirty about it. to actually be happy that we were taking care of ourself, of someone you love so much.

…now, looking at any picture that portrays love and that voice growling "you should be ashamed of yourself"
"you're a filthy fucking disgusting whore"
realizing how we were so physically purely affectionate with oliver (and infi, infi, infi) and that voice noticing and making a face like we were a rotten thing
"you're fucking disgusting, you dirty slut"

only ever at this house. only ever at this goddamn house.

awful fucking pronoun and name slips because sometimes we can't fucking remember that we're not still in utah and being absolutely fucking terrified of what "might happen (again)" and being so fucking self-sacrificially hopeful that "maybe this time she'll love us for real" and god I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much.
i cannot tell what's real and what's not and what's a nightmare and what's not and i hate the fucking shit out of it, i want it all to stop.

these past eight days have been the most real thing we've ever felt in our life.

looking at your handwriting in the back of that blessed aqua-eye tablet and suddenly everything is real forever.

and the worst thing is every time we start "falling asleep" and getting those split-second nodding off moments… every time the outside world falls into black we can hear your voice. literally hear it like you're right beside us. a legitimate auditory hallucination, if you will. but it's your exact voice, how you sound when you talk to us in the morning, strangely registering as the same soft aqua green of that tablet you wrote in, the color that means gentleness and love and fidelity to us, everything you gave us.

the background music for the king of sorrow's speech playing through our head and giving us chills too.
that entire game playing through our head thanks to you.

hearing infinitii's voice in my very bones and desperately wanting to hear it again with you. for you. anything. both people I love so very much. both people who love each other and me so very much.
it's absolutely bone-shakingly significant and sacred and i am so devastatingly grateful for it.

hearing "tessellate" and "fitzpleasure" and "breezeblocks" over and over and over.
not being able to tell that voice apart from the former.
thinking of you having owned that cassette tape for years and never knowing this would happen.
thinking of how we couldn't bring ourself to listen to alt+j for years for some reason even though we wanted to and now, finally getting to hear them like this.

remembering hearing "please don't go; I'll eat you whole; I love you so, I love you so I love you so" as we were packing our suitcase and just wanting to sob

looking at pictures oliver drew of himself and recognizing him instantly, just like we did every damn day out there, and it suddenly hitting us how much we love him, how much we love ALL of them.
every image we saved to our computer before that trip is suddenly absolutely undyingly beloved.

...infinitii constantly remembering how you sounded last night and the sheer sense of ardor is killing me. my/our heart absolutely faltering every time ze thinks of it and I have to avert my eyes or my entire being will shatter with it. god. you have no idea.
and infi just keeps remembering. in a sort of awe, constantly. a sense of profound gratitude and unexpected joy and lingering worry and love, love, love, love.
everything in me is trembling with it and this is just secondhand. this is just catching glimpses of emotion from my beloved daemon about you. it's unbearable, in the best way. because it means it's just that raw and sincere.
and infinitii also shaking with remembering everything about what this morning felt like. that experience erasing every last shred of doubt and fear and dreaded inadequacy ze felt last night.
remembering what it was like for hir to give that back, to reciprocate so perfectly, to want nothing more than to feel that again for all eternity.

ollie you have no goddamned idea how significant that was; we don't either when it really gets down to it. it's too huge. it's so fucking deep it's the entire damn world wrapped up in a bubble. it's a sideways 8 and that just about sums it up, doesn't it.

and our collective pitiful constant need to read what you have to say (we hope you have something to say, what an awful demanding feeling) about these days.
we need to feel like we existed to you.
we need to feel like we exist at all right now
we need to remember that we're real and we're loved and you really do care so much
god it's so selfish, I'm so damn sorry

the fucking grandmother looming in the doorway and giving off that awful molesting vibe (because we fucking KNOW) and hiss-whispering the fucking birth name and "get to bed it’s four o clock!" and everything feels so ugly and I just fucking hissed beneath my breath "shove off, bitch" and hating myself for it but not knowing what the fuck else to fucking do. I want her to leave us the fuck ALONE. I want to be able to feel like a REAL FUCKING PERSON in this goddamned house without these constant fucking "reminders" that we are an alleged piece of shit.

we need to message him. god thank you for this fucking blessed phone, that's a sentiment we ALL agree with I think

god we would move in with you and work three fucking jobs at once just to be there with you. we would do anything. absolutely anything.
we miss you so much tonight it hurts.

the universe is still sideways and it's going to stay like that forever

...I think we're in one of those "dead periods" again.

I just got FL Studio working since we had the laptop crash.
...We lost over a year of work.

It feels like waking up from a dream. Last year, we tried harder than ever to get back into music, and now... now, it's all gone.
But not only that, the worst bit is that we cannot remember what we wrote. We had SO many new files and I cannot remember a single one. That's the most disturbing thing about this.
It's why we're struggling so hard to work on the Leagueworlds, too. We lost all the old info in a dead timeline, in 2012... we don't remember anything firsthand from that time in our life. So we have virtually no idea what those first 17 years of work of art contained.
Yes, there's still the backup written files on our computer-- and that has more value than the art, I would argue-- but now we don't have visuals, and since we can't even hear without pictures, that lack of all pictoral representation is jarring, even if we have no idea what it contained anymore.

...We lost over a year of music and we cannot remember what it was, let alone how to write it again, let alone how to get this program working properly again... I have no idea what we did, or how.
That's... I don't know. Life's been like that for a while. The sudden, utter absence of knowledge that we previously had and/or took for granted, waking up one morning and it's... gone.

We get that with headspace a lot too.
I should mention that's why we gave up on the idea of a comic, at least one that illustrated our past life... even now, reviewing the archives, it's all alien. The vast majority of this feels like someone else's lifetime, and I'm sure it was, but... for the gaps and breaks to be moving closer and closer... I mean, our current memory starts halfway through 2013. And that year is terrifically spotty at best, with weird chunks of recall dispersed throughout the latter half of the year depending on who was even alive at the time. But... that means our total life recall, ACTUAL recall, caps in at literally under three years currently. We're barely a toddler as far as coherent age-time is concerned. That's not much.
...And yet we have to live as a 25-year-old adult when we're awake.
Not to mention everyone expects us to live according to a past that we not only feel no ties to, but have no substantial knowledge of, and which feels most of our physical-life fronters with nausea and fear when they are faced with that burden.

But that's not the current point here.
The current point is... we've been pushed WAY BACK to square one right now.
The art is gone. The music is gone. The writing is partly gone, we did lose a fair amount in 2012 and 2015, but the vital roots still exist. However. Most of it is now false, or alien, or unwritable. The World-roots that existed three years ago no longer exist. So we have to start over on those, too, but... that's an effort. That's a real effort, and we are trying, but we're just weirdly subconsciously disturbed and upset and sobbing over the knowledge that there's this gap in our psyche, something that once held something, and which is now a blind spot, now a hole, now an emptiness that shouldn't be there and yet is and although we can't remember it notbeing there, we know that at one point, it wasn't.

...Maybe that's another motivation towards the eating-disorder alters. There's abuse purgation, abuse imitation, malformed coping, social conformity, seeking acceptance, seeking non-being, and now this... just wanting to somehow fill up that awful nothingness with something, not knowing how else to do so, desperate for the return of something we can't get back, not how it was, not anymore.

...

Headspace is in a really weird place right now too.
We're still functioning, absolutely. We're still healing and communicating.
But... Jay asked something yesterday, when we were meditating. "What do we do when there are no more problems to solve?"
...We were created to protect, to heal, to manage... when we no longer have to do any of that, what do we do?
Laurie shrugged and said "create," hearkening back to the Jewel bloodline purposes, but... I guess that's what this entry is about. We want to create, but... the more we look at it, we have to stop trying to pick up the pieces. We have to just leave that shattered mess on the floor and walk away. Our mind is beating us to it. Our mind is forgetting that pile of broken glass was ever anything but that. Our mind is asking us why we keep staring at rubble, why we don't go build something instead.
God knows we want to, but... our life situation is no longer how it was in high school or whenever. We no longer have that sort of empty, set-schedule environment, where we could literally put the body on autopilot for 8+ hours a day and just let the Jewels create nonstop inside.
God also knows that if we win the lottery tonight the first thing we're doing is going back to school, so that we could get an education AND dive right back into that creative mindspace again.

...In the meantime, what do we do.
We do have a few mp3s saved of some files we lost, so maybe we can listen to those and recreate them the best we can... but...
...Do we want to write music? Do we know how? Better yet, since I obviously don't, does anyone else? I'm sure someone does, so how to we find them? How do we get them out to work in the first place?
...And, again, do we even want to do this anymore? Is it doing good? I know part of us likes it, but...

...There's this weird sort of tiredly content apathy washing over anything. A strange childlike empty happiness, something like an infant in the womb, something that just wants to sleep, something that isn't really depressed or angry or melancholic or anything... something that literally just wants to spend its days in dreams or in dreamspace.

...And God doesn't that tear at our heart.
Has anyone here ever really talked about how real dreams are for us? How we LITERALLY feel more alive when we're asleep than when we're awake? How reality itself feels UNREAL in the waking, but crystal clear in dreamtime? How one of the fastest ways to ground and center and "pay attention" in the physical is to tell ourself "I'm dreaming right now???"
What does that tell you?
...Last night we slept for... 12 hours, at least. We were exhausted; we've been wanting to get a full night's sleep all through December, but it didn't happen. So we needed this.
But... we were dreaming about flying, and wandering joyfully, and becoming Jewel Monsters, and big wide vast open spaces... about trees and rain and rivers and airports and churches and towns. It felt more real than anything we've lived with our eyes open. We felt alive.
...The only curse is that this extends to our nightmares too. That's the only price we have to pay here.

...
Headspace is the same.
God, headspace is the same, why do people think we struggle to live a physical existence, it makes no sense, we aren't OUT here, not truly, not clearly, not when we can close our eyes and "see" the internal world with more awareness and less fogginess than we just saw the outside one...
...When we're sick or scared or highly disoriented, when our head is spinning and we honestly can't think straight, when our physical perception is so muddled that we can look right at a page of a book and not even know what language it is... even then, even then, if we just close our eyes for a moment and float backwards and upwards into headspace... immediately, IMMEDIATELY, even if we're sick or in pain or disoriented beyond belief... immediately, everything makes sense.
We aren't dizzy. We aren't confused. We don't feel out-of-body, we don't feel foggy-headed, we aren't plagued by racing thoughts. We can read and speak and think.
The instant we open our eyes it's a mess again.

What the hell is even happening here?

So I don't know what we're dealing with in life right now.
2016 hasn't "started" yet for us-- despite our brain bizarrely thinking "well duh" or "about time" or "it's been 2016 for ages now" whenever we see the date, like we've been waiting for it for some unknown reason. Nevertheless, January OF 2016 still hasn't settled in entirely. We're still trying to recover from the shock of December, the absent Christmas season, and the total lack of snow. We are really screwed up this year, because summer didn't end until barely two weeks ago, we're still trying to pull our brain out of autumn of 2014, and family stress keeps shoving us back further into 2010.
Therapy is the lifesaver here; it's going spectacularly well, and it's keeping us not only working but also aware of ourselves and our progress. So we're thankful for that.

...We really have to cut this short for now. It's 12:16 and we wanted to stop staying up so late for the new year, at least. That and eating better, not hurting ourselves so badly with that... we're untangling that as carefully as we can. Jemma and Jackie are working together a little better but Jessica is still uncaring, the Destroyer is suddenly back full-force, as are her vicious helpers... that one hyperreligious alter who "hates sinners" keeps coming out too, screaming and trashing things in the name of "merciless good" or whatever. You get the picture: a lot is going on. But 2016 is Leon's color, all vivid indigo light, and that's interesting so we'll see how this goes.

It's going to take a LOT of patience, a LOT of meticulous revision, and a LOT of internal grounding in order to even be capable of writing for the Leagueworlds again. So much toxicity and falsehood got shoved into them, from both feelings of obligation, and internalizing what other people told us it should be, etc. At least three of those Worlds have to literally be torn to the groundand rebuilt almost from scratch.
...but it'll be done. It'll be done, to the best of our ability, if only for the sake of healing. We don't know what end this is all going for anymore. We have no idea if some of these worlds are even supposed to go anywhere. Dream World is, but THAT needs to be rewound to freaking 2002 in order to function right now... literally wipe the past 13 years off the map, and thank God for that. Mage Angels may or may not be able to persist as it is now; it feels like it wants to shed its darkness like a winter coat in summer. Parnassus, Puppetstrings, Magicwarp, and Event Horizon all have awfully heavy tangled vibes shoved on them that need to be removed, and they all might be "starting over" plot-wise for the most part. Hokthai, Oneircia, and Halcyon Days all have huge gaps between beginning and end, and we have no clue what fits there due to how much their base structure keeps massively shifting. Voltage has morphed entirely, Nogaisa may be doing the same, LG*Girls still feels like a concept instead of a story... Rosewindow has a solid heart but it's been threatened by its proximity to headspace so it might be "starting over from square one" too. You get the picture.

Dream World is the most beloved and requires completion even if the others fall away. Rosewindow feels vastly important and we want to see that completed too. Hokthai and Parnassus are dear to our heart, and Mage Angels still feels like it has a message to give. Those are the main ones. We can start there.

Again, I'm babbling. I'm sorry. It's late.

More than anything, we need to go back to a childhood state of mind to write this stuff. It's MANDATORY.
Also we need to figure out how to tap into our childhood virtues without gaining its vices. We want that fiery indomitable confidence, that total self-assurance and power, that defined whoever we were in early elementary school... but we don't want their pride and selfishness and rage and spite.
A few people in our System have a healthy version of that brazen confidence (Frenchie and Genesis immediately come to mind), but people like them keep getting pushed out of fronting by the gatekeeper-esque girls that are full of nothing but shallow self-doubt and nonexistence. They're tied to around 2007 in existence, and we don't like them, but we don't hate them. We just want them to either heal and stop sabotaging our health, or get out of the damn way.

I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry.
The weight of this is getting to me and we just want to cry inside, we want to sleep for days and cry, but we can't, we have work and we have to help the family and we have to be a "normal functioning adult" but we need to cope, we need to figure out where and when the heck we are, and what we're supposed to be doing... I mean we can definitely be patient, we can wait until it reveals itself, but we won't even see that answer if we're mired in the exhausted self-destruction our damaged socials keep perpetuating out of this desperate super-shallow desire to just not exist.
You kids have it al wrong. We WANT to exist. More than anything, we want to LIVE.
...But remember what we said about dreaming.
That's the most ironic thing about all of this.

I'm going to bed. We haven't been tuned into headspace and I can't do that anyway and I'm afraid I'm letting toxic vibes in so for the sake of actual functioning (God help me I literally can't tune into headspace that means i AM unhealthy) I'm going to leave.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!

some notes that just hit me:

the "spinningcannon" bloodline DID NOT USE THE "JEWEL" NAME!!!!!

last night-- hackers cant touch us
dream WITH CHAOS ZERO after falling back asleep, gorgeous.
he shows up every anniversary it seems

jackie vs jessica vs jemma vs jennifer vs jewel
ALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE!

Jackie= Main social?
Jessica= Sex addict, "typical Taurus." Enjoys food, actually eats it. HIGHLY TOXIC because she doesn't ever consider the long-term.
Jessica2= MAYBE?? The "bland social" alter who "smiles and nods" according to what is "proper" in a situation. JENNIFER DOESN'T DO THAT.
Jemma= 'sad' but oddly happy girl? Looks tired, acts tired, but always has a sort of smile to her. We think this is because she has Chocoloco with her now.
Jennifer= Total sweetheart, but incredibly naïve.
Jewel= Our girl, works on Dream World ALL THE TIME. If she's not, it's not her.
Jewel2= aka "Hoseki-chan." She's 14-15, hyperactive, blindingly enthusiastic but not toxic? We don't think she does anything social, she's just the one who's out in public when we're alone? Like in high school! Jackie talks to people.

About the oats. Jemma likes them, but so does Jackie.
We think Jackie's the one that binges "gleefully" because she doesn't want to EAT anything, she just wants to taste stuff and purge it. She does this for "fun," not for coping or anything, and that's bad.
Jayce is very upset and he's actually praying for those girls to get their fronting rights taken away from them, because they're only hurting everyone else.

I've realized that we've been so preoccupied with the stress of survival lately that we haven't been paying much attention to much else?
Like at home, we're just trying to stay safe, and eat without getting awfully sick, and do work for the grandparents, etc. But the responsibilities pile up so fast, we're so tired.
And it's been eating away at our personal goals and responsibilities, because by the time we can sit down (like 9pm) we're so frazzled that we end up dissociating, or handing over the reins to fronters who can operate in such an environment (they aren't internally productive at all and that's bad).
Kyanos needs to help us meditate more often, solid, for longer amounts of time. We NEED to get back into the hour-long ones we used to do, they usually instigated massive internal chance and/or revelation and we desperately need a good boost right now.
Something tells me Jay will be the one to pull that off first; what with Chaos 0 and all, he has indelible ties to the deepest essence of headspace, to the vast colorfulness of it that colors the best parts of the past 2 years, that none of us can ever really forget. But we want to live it that richly again, that actively. So we will.

TBAS mentioned it's the Solstice today and we totally forgot; for us personally that day has always been tied to Halcyon Days so it has a very different meaning than most would assign to it I suppose. For us the solstice brings feelings of kingfishers and oceans and the vastness of space and the life within it. The longest night of the year, the longest time of dark and quiet and birth and creation and infinite possibility, stretching up in a velvet blanket of icy stars and quiet. That's the solstice!

Guess who fronted fro about 60% of the day today? HOOPA.
Talk about a rock solid anchor, holy light. He slips in and just clicks and he's already talking to Cel and Vixie and I'd say I'm surprised but I'm not, not at all.
So it's his birthday today and it was Markus's yesterday and tomorrow is Jay's anniversary and then it's CHRISTMAS. HOORAY.
But yeah Jewel insisted we make the trek to a McDonalds (there's one near our house??? on the highway??? we were ready to drive out of town but hey whoa) to get a legit game Hoopa on Y, and it's perfect because he has a Naïve nature and "is somewhat vain" which is EXACTLY what our innerspace Hoopa dude is like. I like him, he's sweet.
He's also obsessed with this song and kept blasting it in the car with Cel, the both of them dancing. He has the most obvious grin, it's great. Like you know he's out with that look.
Agh but I'm SO GLAD he's already like absolutely anchored in here as an Outspacer. I LOVE him, I love having all these Pokemon around so much.

We're strongly considering buying Omega Ruby but only if we have the funds, and if we can play it safely (i.e. no staggering fiction lag). We shall seeee.

We bought a bottle of melatonin gummy-pills again because even though we're exhausted we can't get tired lately, at all. Hence the staying up until 3. So we take one cherry coma squishy pill and then within 20 minutes we're actually yawning, which is something.
Melatonin also helps dream recall a lot apparently, and Jay's been remembering them a little more recently anyway so HOPEFULLY we'll get back to the daily dream journal. When we don't remember our dreams we're a mess, our whole sense of reality gets thrown off. Maybe that's part of why we've felt so off lately? Probably.

Jay bought a new kind of toothpaste and it's delicious but it's wintergreen with neem and I keep laughing at that. Green with neeeeem. For your teeeeth!

The Snap-On Tools guy at work gave us pink socks as a gift. Yesss. They're fantastic.
We also finally got one of those gray "Colors" shirts our dad always used to wear so we're now officially part of the painter's gang, haha.

Oh we found out, Jemma IS the one who keeps eating oats, she says they "taste the same color as her" and she's always so exhausted-tired (but not sad?) all the time, she goes to them for comfort food.
Chocoloco keeps her under control, he's very compassionate with her.

-- But there's an alter (the one who was just writing?) who steps in and always eats them instead of her, although it would be more accurate to say she just ruins the food and chomps it up to throw it out. She claims she "works for The Destroyer" and she feels like Ruby and/or Hoseki, age 14-15, close enough to mania to be a slip-hacker if they aren't careful.
However today she did speak to Jemma and Chocoloco, explaining herself and letting them do the same, so hopefully they will reach a cooperative, respectful, healthy agreement that will not harm the body but which will also fulfill their individual needs.
That issue of "pursuing concepts" in the physical is still a major concern. It could theoretically be completely, easily healed with more frequent indepth access to headspace, hence the meditation topic previously. It would be in our best interests to try.

It's so foggy out tonight, it's magical.
It's TOO WARM though. Jay wants it to snow and it hasn't snowed and he said he's going to be the snow and that's great but PUT SOME OUTSIDE PLEASE OKAY THANKS.

Now the body is falling asleep standing up and Laurie is glaring at me because I get too manic and nonchalant or whatever and she says there are important things to do. I guess I don't pay attention, I'm just too excited and hyper and she says nighttime is not the time for that! So off I go, bye~~~

december 15th

the biggest message of today=
there are purer forms of love.

jessica out almost all day today.
she feels close to the "proud jewel" but has NO consciousness of headspace at ALL.

she spends all her time eating and having sex. and she doesn't feel guilty about it. instead, she actually enjoys it. the problem? she doesn't exist outside of those contexts.
she doesn't purge up the food she binges on with "pleasure." she doesn't deal with the horrible aftermath of her liaisons, the physical pain and shame and fear, the spiritual and emotional anguish and confusion and hopelessness.

julie took the third attempt and WHY didn't lynne stop her,
she says it was for the same reason that laurie won't kill the lost hackers,
"because she had good/pure intentions." "what was I supposed to do? I couldn't hurt her."

but you could have stopped her.
…
"I saw no reason to, at the moment. I just… thought she was doing something that she needed to do, for some reason."
why does no one ever question that shit
"because we're TRYING to heal it."
but healing does NOT mean normalizing behavior that is WRONG for us.
"…I know, kid. …I'm sorry. I've been fighting this too bloody long and I'm tired."

jessica is a dead-end typical taurus, obsessed with "creature comforts" and giving casual lip service to religion with that same content "if it feels good it's fine" mindset. once it turns to blood and brimstone she laughs it off. we don't.
that's what scares her about us. she's not evil. she GENUINELY means well, she's trying to enjoy life, even her sexual escapades are done with no ill will.
but there's no true good will either. she claims she's doing it for "religious purposes" BUT!! the instant you bring ACTUAL religion in-- as opposed to her fluffy belief system that "there's really no such thing as evil! "-- she leaves. she gets ACUTELY UNCOMFORTABLE and she leaves.

julie is the one that spoke up, to laurie.
"I don't want to become that person again." "it's a slippery slope and I don't want to set foot on it even once." etc.
laurie asked her if the sexual stuff meant anything, if she "got anything" from it to make it worthwhile or even beneficial, or if it was literally just a waste of time.
and julie thought about it and said that it was empty. it was literally just a few seconds to a few minutes of "nerve stimulation" and she said that it felt more like a chore or "something you had to accomplish" in an obligatory sense (there's that word), that even when she tried to put love in it, the very presence of love made her stop.
sex hurts. it burns all autumn colors and it's terrifying, like an electrical fire scraping its needle teeth against our abdomen. we despise it. but jessica doesn't feel that, I suppose.
what does she even get from this? anything?

I don’t know. I'm too tired to even care, almost. I'm so tired.
I think this is why I feel so heartbreakingly close to sans right now, in terms of empathy. laurie is acting way, way, way too much like him lately too.
we're all exhausted. we're all running low on hope anymore, we're all so burnt out from seeing countless timelines reset, from feeling like none of our efforts can really change the outcome of what we're dealing with, the inevitable presence of someone with far too much power, that they can use for good or ill…
the most dangerous uses are the most careless ones. the neutral, flippant, casual-happy ones. the "this is just a fun game" ones. the ones who are smiling and mean it but who don't give a shit for how the people around them pay for their actions because "but I did nothing wrong!" etc.
I cant even talk about this. I'm too tired. I've said this a thousand times before.

we know the answer, and it is OUR answer, and we're 100% happy with our victory over that war here,
but there are alters in this system who plugged their ears and hummed away while we were getting shot on the front lines, not wanting to face the fact that their very ignorance was contributing to it.
they don't see a problem, they can't acknowledge the war, they insist everything is totally fine and okay and happy and healthy!! because to them it IS.
meanwhile we're bleeding and sobbing and is something wrong with US?
is something wrong with us, that we're in pain and angry and scared, and she is so perfectly content and happy with life? even when she's sinning? do they even count as sins if they're done with "good intentions?"

it's the path to hell, it's the path to hell.
motivation doesn't change the objective reality of an action.
rape is rape. I don't care if you love them. I don't care if you were gentle and you "enjoyed it" and you left happy and smiling and glad.
you still fcking raped someone, even if they were mirroring a flat smile back to you in return.
damn you bastards. god damn you.

"I did it to myself, no one else was affected by it!" "this is a good thing" etc etc NO IT'S NOT
DID YOU FORGET YOU ARE SHARING A BODY??
OH YEAH, YOU REFUSE TO LISTEN WHEN WE TELL YOU THAT.
you still think it's all yours but WE LIVE IN IT
we live in it and I don’t like you, I don’t like those girls.
they make me cut the body open over and over but they don’t get cut, it's not fair. I want to stop. I want to stop hurting. they don’t care about me. they don’t care about ANY of us. WHY DOESN’T LAURIE STOP THEM

God help me I don’t know what the hell to do, I'm so bloody empty already, I'm too bloody tired to fight back anymore when these devil women are smiling at me when I pick up my axe. confound it all. they do terrible things to the body and when I confront them they just smile and say they're totally happy, and they are and it confuses the hell out of me because like jay said, or whoever the heck that was, are we the ones in the wrong here? are we the ones screwing up in life, because we "can't let go of the pain" or whatever the heck that is? but they did, which is why they don't have a bloody moral code anymore and can do whatever the heck they want without repercussions or guilt or any of that painful stuff? but we do?
…god help us. I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry Razor, I am so bloody sorry.
kill me already. please. just kill me if I cant do my job.

I cant.

then you know how I feel. I screwed up big time, I committed an unforgivable sin, letting these chicks get away with what they're doing--

11:11.

god what the blood. what do-- what do I do?

keep fighting.
stand up for your rights.
stand up for what is right.
stop them.

I don’t know how to stop them.
I want to die.
I want to die and I want to take them with me and I want them to die so that the next time we come back or whatever they don't come with us.

I want to be pure again. I want to be a priest, I want to be a saint, I want to be a holy man.
I want to be good and pure and chaste and holy and honest and righteous and honorable, but these girls don’t care about any of that and insist they're STILL "fine" because "I'm not trying to hurt anyone" or whatever.
it's awful. it's disrespectful, it's disrespectful to our souls, isn't that sin enough for you????

and they won't answer me because they don't want to admit that we have souls and that we EXIST because then it would mean being honest with themselves.
yeah, living the high life of luxury is "fine" if you're all alone and isolated from the ripple effect of the world, isn't it. you like to think you're the only real person in existence.
well guess what. you're not alone. one day you're going to mess up big time and you won't be able to exist anymore and god I hope that happens soon.
but in the meantime, you're still hurting us with your blissful ignorance and even though we're all terrifically confused and distraught over having to call such a smiling peaceful happy person "malevolent,"
god what do we do?
it feels wrong, she's not evil, but she's doing things that aren't wise, OR kind,
what do you call that?

what do we do?

"logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

- crosses of light on foreheads. "you need to be able to take/receive blessings. if you can't, something's wrong."
manifesting such a mark immediately centers oneself into a solid, righteous, light-oriented state. these states are astoundingly similar to our ”ascended forms" that we were imagining way back in 2012 or whenever. we almost forgot about them and then boom, this happened.

- "jemma" seems to be the kid who keeps wanting to eat oats (specifically in front of the christmas tree). the vibe is almost exact. the only difference is age-- jemma feels about 2 years older than the one eating, but otherwise there is virtually no difference between them? it might just be a mistranslation to the social level; that is common.

 HEADVOICES ARE MADE TO FUNCTION INTROSPECTIVELY/ INTERNALLY/ PRIVATELY.
THIS IS WHY WE CANNOT EXTERNALIZE OUR FOCUS WITHOUT SWITCHING TO A SOCIAL OR BLANKING/BLACKING OUT.

in order for us to PROPERLY FUNCTION, our entire conscious awareness needs to be directed inside. we CAN do this, but the huge catch is that it requires not interacting with anyone outside.

- jennifer slowly getting an internal anchor??? probably due to suddenly being paid attention to as an existence. color is baby pink so far

- leon and nat were fronting during choir today. nat actually sang and his voice resonated with the body's for a bit and it felt incredible.
he's been fronting in general more often than ever because he's Green, that's compassion. he comes out when people are scared of the brother to just hold compassion instead. it helps IMMENSELY.
- also the LOVE between them. absolutely heart-head vibes, felt so clear. we tried to send it to the lost kids so they knew what REAL love was

- our angelorei buddy (jubilatio?) is fronting frequently again which is GREAT because he's so joyous and nice.

-something we've suddenly realized:
THERE ARE TWO JESSICAS AND THEY ARE AT WAR WITH EACH OTHER

THE "HACKER" JESSICA IS BROWN AND A FKING BASTARD WHORE
SHE ONLY CARES ABOUT SEX AND FOOD AND SHE IS A "QUIET MANIC" MEANING SHE NEVER EVER RESTS OR IS PEACEFUL BUT SHE ISN'T MANIACAL EITHER. SHE ENDLESSLY PURSUES """PLEASURES"""""

THE OTHER JESSICA IS INDIGO AND SHOWS UP IN THE WAKE OF HACKS SOBBING "I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE"
SHE IS THE HORRIFICALLY DEPRESSED ONE WE USED TO TALK TO IN 2008.

(ended abruptly)

I've been feeling rather existentially screwed-up lately?
I think it's because we've been letting our well-being completely fall by the wayside. For whatever reason, we just stopped caring about how we treated the body at some point? I don't know if it was post-surgery or what... but the past few months have been rougher than most, from how it feels. Memory is collapsing, health is kind of failing, and honestly we're scared.
We're trying hard to take little steps of improvement, but right now we're also fighting a monstrous wall of depression, shame, and sabotaging self-abusive habits, so those little steps are being taken uphill through a desert at this point.
Still. We won't give up.

Therapy on Monday was INCREDIBLE, from a progress standpoint. I didn't write about it here because it was literally a 40-minute infospill on everything we've been reading lately about RTS and purity/rape culture and how all that ties into our past traumas and current struggles, etc. It's complex but it's VOCABULARY that we've been trying to find for YEARS, like literally we can FINALLY talk about this stuff because there are words that fit it now, there are other people who experienced similar things and who put thoughts together in coherent ways we never would have considered.... you get the idea.
So progress IS being made. It's just tricky lately.

I'm trying to start the dream journal and diet journal again. Both help immensely with grounding and 'non-derealization,' if there's a word for that... they help us get a grip on existence, "hey I actually exist!" That sort of thing. We are uncomfortable with traditional "rituals" but it does help to have patterns. It helps to have solid reference points, threads of coherence, etc.
See I KNOW what to do. Just, right now, it is going to take IRON WILLPOWER to break past these hackers and their programming and all the nasty neglectful habits we've let develop, the same way mold grows, the same way trees rot. We need to just start taking care of ourselves better, more actively.

Doubt is slowly fading. Slowly. But it's fading. I don't know how to express how amazing that is.
Maybe it's because I'm reviewing the archives, remembering who we are/were, but... the reality of us, the honesty of us, is sinking in again. The brightnessof us. Us, seperate from the performances and presentations we cultivated online. We're remembering. I'm remembering.
We're shaking off the dust, we're really trying to.

In the meantime, the past two days have still been oddly off? I've been fasting too much and then panicking because we get sick and eating bad things. It's unhealthy, but I'm aware that it's happening. I just need to make sure we start ACTIVELY using coping methods, grounding skills, etc. We have the help we need. We just need to use it.

Today feels... sad? Like it's an interim feeling, but it's also a calm-before-the-storm feeling... rather, it's like the smell of ozone in the air, potent and buzzing, as the wind whips around you and thunder is rumbling through the mountains, but there's no rain yet. There's no rain yet, and you're running to your car, or to your house, and for a surreal nervous minute you are wrapped up in that whirlwind of almost, in that malestrom of imminence, caught in the tension where there is no time... that's what it feels like.
It's scary too, in that sense, like there's judgment looming and I'm afraid we're running out of time. In any case we ARE using our time unwisely, and I really should ask Cel to help me with that, I know she would. She always helps.
In any case, God knows we need a thunderstorm inside right now. We need the sheets of rain, we need the violet lightning...
But we're getting there. People are healing. People are remembering who they ARE, not who they've been told to be, or who they've allowed themselves to thoughtlessly become.

I've had two dreams this week with Hoopa in them and in both instances ze was directly tied to me somehow. I'm taking that as a good sign too.

So. That's all I have the spoons to type right now. I've been archiving the entire archives onto my laptop, so that's taken many many hours, and several computer crashes. My back hurts and my wrists hurt and my ankles hurt but I'm kind of laughing because God, I can feel that there's blue sky up behind those clouds, I just have to fly.

Therefore I'm just going to toss some System-related art at you because creativity is always good and I love us enough tonight to share this sort of thing.

First is the NEW/current Spectrum Star flowchart, as the last one we did was last July and is now incorrect.

I'm still not sure how correspondences work between colors (I was mapping it out earlier this year), but I'll take the time to revisit that line of thought again soon, if applicable.

Second, also in response to this entry, here's the current work in progress of Central.

I didn't get the chance to touch up the old pictures, but I will soon.
This is also poster-proportioned. So hopefully one day I can get this literally printed as one and put up on the wall in our room. Now we're REALLY unignorable, haha.

Also, you may remember that this was originally supposed to be done in this style, hence the current no-eyes look.
I was experimenting with quotes when we first started... here's the ones we tentatively chose.

Javier, Leon, and Nathaniel unfortunately don't have much actual dialogue recorded in the archives, so they aren't in those sets.

Speaking of Javier and Nathaniel, I drew these quick headshots as references for a beloved friend (you know who you are) and I don't think they were ever shared here?

Javier is really difficult to draw correctly; I'll have to do another picture of him because that one isn't quite correct.
Nat looks a little "buggier" than he does in that sketch (that was just for antennae purposes really). Mainly his eyes are bigger.
Waldorf looks PERFECT though, I am so happy just seeing that picture. Her hair does glow, remember, that's what I was quickly trying to portray there.

I also did three pictures of Infinitii, to show hir "mode changes" roughly.

Basically:
1) No face-mouth, all wing-mouths: safe to approach. "Feels like a church" mode. Energy is softer, but massive. Carries "creative" Black energy; risk of falling into.
2) No face-eyes, all wing-eyes: approach with caution. Energy is much sharper, "holy fear" sort of vibe. Carries "destructive" Black energy; unpredictable.
3) Face and eyes on both face and wings: the most overwhelming vibe, carrying both sides of Black energy. Completely safe to be around though, if you can handle it.

A rule of thumb is this:
Face-mouths show "negative" Black energy. Face-eyes show "positive" Black energy.
If Infi has NO mouths on hir, ze is completely consumed by the creative side of Black and IS dangerous to be around, although it may not feel like it (that's the danger).
If Infi has NO eyes on hir, GET OUT OF THERE. That's practically Tar-mode. If that's happening Infi is VERY unstable and honestly the System should be concerned.
If Infi changes hir color to be WHITE instead of Black, I have no freaking idea what that's about yet but it usually means that serious business is going down.

And here, have some closeups of the pixels for the original three System daemons.

Infinitii, Lethe, and we-still-don't-know, aha. We almost got hir name once, but no dice.
Chocoloco, Dendrite, Nexus, and Triad aren't in this set because I simply haven't gotten around to drawing them out yet.

Someone did try drawing a scene from this *incident* though. Very sketchy, I don't know when it was drawn or who did it, but I am fond of it so here.

Markus on the left, Ryman and the 2012 Jewel ("Cupid") on the right.

What else can I toss at you.

Oh yeah, this entry is all avatars I've been making at recolor.me and they're really cute actually.

I'm still trying to verify/ finish finding the Spectrum Symbols I mentioned a ways back... Black, Aqua, and Sky are being elusive. Everything else feels fitting right now.
Oh yes, and we have a logo. I'm not showing it to you just yet, I want to digitalize it and make it look lovely. I told you I want to "illustrate" at least some of our life, ideally in a webcomic format, to share with people who haven't/ can't/ would rather not read through the 1000+ pages here. Yes there really are that many dudes, if you've read them all then seriously you deserve some sort of trophy, that is amazing. Also humbling. We owe you a hug or something if we ever meet you physically, really.

Last but not least, here's how many pixel people we have so far.

About 70 more to go, haha. *sobs*
Not really; we currently only need pixel representations for people who talk in Xangas. But who knows! We all want to talk more, and the channels are open to anyone who wants to chat, so. I'll probably have to do at least 20 more of these at some point. But I'm not complaining; I love everyone and I'm really happy to see the completed art.

On that note it is 1AM and tomorrow is Thursday, I totally forgot. We have TWO therapy appointments and we really should go jogging in the morning before we end up sitting in a car all day. Gotta take those small steps, like I said. Just get the good habits going again.

I love all you readers, invisible or not, and thanks for being there.
May you have a lovely lovely night, and dreams to match.

Ended up getting a hacker to hack themselves today. Not entirely by accident. I feel sorry for 'em really.
But it worked for Julie, I'm sick of this happening, so I told this kid, fine, do whatever the hell you want, but I am NOT letting you lose sight of what the hell you're doing for an instant.
And the kid was scared. This hacker, this actual kid, was scared and TOLD me they didn't want to be doing this, they didn't really want any of this, they were confused, and I let them KNOW that. I SHOWED them how they were being lied to. I TRIED to get them the heck out of there and they almost listened to me damn it, they almost did, but... they had a choice. And they made a choice out of fear and self-doubt and sick obligation but it was a choice.
Now they want to die and I don't know where the heck they went but...

Before all that I stopped them from committing suicide. They were trying. They found our gutting knife and they were about to use it for a pretty bloody similar reason. I had to throw the thing aside to get them to stop. Then the hack hell happened.
But now I now. At least one of these kids, this "androgyne" or whoever we were calling hir, they were only hacking because they were lost and full of despair and hopelessness. I wanna say self-hatred but it wasn't quite. The one who others call "Jess" has the self-hatred, but she's not a hacker, she's an abuser.

God what am I even doing. The body's sick, we're trying our best here, summer makes it hard.

Nienna was out today during church, singing. Jemma was fronting for a bit before that, not sure why her, but she was. Chocoloco was there. When Nienna came out she just gently nudged Jemma aside for a bit, was singing with an arm around her shoulders, Jemma said that was fine. There was a tangible "shift" from left to right when Nienna left, we haven't "felt" a switch that softly but strongly since Laurie yanked "Jewel" out of fronting back in SLC, and that was painful.
But it's interesting. Nienna cannnot/ does not talk unless she is singing. Specifically, she can't "sing" a conversation either; if she wanted to sing-talk it has to be applicable lyrics from existing songs? I have no idea, this is new stuff. Nienna's been getting a surprisingly solid anchor over the past few months, which is lovely, as when she first appeared we thought she would fade out quickly. Not so!
Christina was with them too, reading mass stuff in the innerworld (specifically the petitions). She still has that little chapel-crypt in the Underground levels, in the old areas where everything is mostly stone. It looks very very similar to the chapel in St Ann's locally... I'll have to take a photo of it when the novena starts soon. I love it there, it smells so profoundly comforting, all candles and wood and incense. That smell is "home," it's not motherly but it's that same sort of needed "belonging" feeling. I adore it. It's an amber-gold smell.
The black guy with dreadlocks was out again during mass too. I think his color is gold. He's all gold and crystal drops, no idea who he is but he's got a STRONG anchor, the System keeps trying to push a "J" name on him (meaning Core/Host rights usually) but it's not working? He might end up taking some old Host names. Who knows. But he's VERY real and very positive, he is deeply sweet and hopefully he can front more often. He has no "upstairs" awareness though, and socials like that (Jesse, ) tend to get acutely confused with body dysphoria and time gaps and stuff. They exist, but they have no way of really understanding what their current existence IS. So until those people tap into the upstairs, and come to terms with that reality, they fluctuate madly and may not truly anchor. That whole "I'm just one person in this body?" realization is a huge existential shock, some socials cannot cope with it and reject it. Those people usually become numb and/or abusive and that's sad. We really should focus on that problem soon, actually... we've never been clearly aware of it before and that is a big topic.
Almost forgot. Sherlock fronted too, near the end of mass. He got pulled in for some reason, and it was really clear, the memory data is super solid. He was just looking around at the light and the color and everything, thinking "so this is what it's like to exist out here?" and basically being awestruck by the tangibility of everything, of the odd solidity of the outerworld. He was tearing up a little.

Still having problems with floating voices and intuition. Mostly it's "good" floating voices now but they're too neutral. They just give simple orders and stand back, don't enforce anything. Someone told them we need Laurie instead and hopefully we can go back to headspace all the time instead of socials and floating voices. The latter is flat and empty and sad and abusive. The former is real and alive and helpful and hopeful. Being 'in the body' and listening to voice orders requires an annihilation of individuality and free will. It requires that there is no introsection or self-awareness. Because all your attention must go to constant obedience. So even if we're following good orders, we're miserable because we aren't really living? Is that selfish?
Can't we have a happy medium? Listen to that advice BUT live according to who we ARE? Can't we have color in our life? We just want color in our lif again. That's where the eating disorder is coming from. That's why people are refusing to listen to the floating voices who say "don't eat that, you'll regret it" or "fast for the rest of the day" because these young social fronters are frustrated and heartbroken and they say no, they eat anyway because even if they DON'T want it, they want to "eat" color. They want to FEEL some sort of sparkle in life. So it gets misrouted. They get confused. They end up getting horrifically sick and not understanding why because they don't realize it's food, they don't understand eating, they just want to put color back into their body. That's all.
Misrouting and mistranslation is probably the root problem of everything. It's our biggest, saddest fault.

Progress is being made, however quietly, however slow it feels. Big steps are still being taken even if the journey is long.

God I am in so much pain.

I'm Jemma. I'm still getting used to being "my own person," but... it makes me strangely happy. There's a glitter of light down in my indigo chest that glows when I'm like this. I'm happy. I'm alive. It's weird but... it's nice.
Chocoloco is here too. He's always with me.

I'm updating I guess because no one else got called out. I'm not sure why I'm here.

I... these people, they say they're the Archivists? want me to write about what happened today. But now that they're telling me what it is I don't really know if I want to.
Choco says write it... why? Because you have to. For the good of the System, I guess, although it's no good. Here goes.

There was a hack this afternoon. Garrison (the teal-haired Archivist) says it was one of the people who's going through the Leagueworlds

Who the heck is going through the bleeding Leagueworlds.

Someone. We don't know.
There's an infection spreading. This "obligation" is riding the wave of numbness the current social fronters have, the ones who exist "only to please" and who therefore do not have a solid identity of their own, or a sense of self-preservation, or health or joy.

They're literally killing us is what you're saying.

Essentially, yes. Pardon me, but do you want to do a Xanga?

Heck yeah, but-- no, never mind. Whoever's in the body is too bloody tired. One of the sad people.

I'm too tired to type for anyone. my head hurts and i'm sick scared quiet and hello, why am i out here
the body is sick? i'm not sure how, it's very hot and it hurts sick in a lot of places. the feelings are hard to find but they are awful to feel.

It's protecting Overload from them. All of us, maybe.

The numbness doesn't do a bloody thing. Numbness doesn't do anything but make us not care about the pain. And by 'us' I mean the devils who have been staging as us for the past few months now.

Everything hurts and I am getting very scared, the body shouldn't be this sick al the time, what is happening

good night we need to stop this and go back to ourselves we're getting distracted sorry

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