080517

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

0805-1 = Aug. 5th, 2017 08:17 am

 

 

we don't hate our family.
they show their love in unhealthy ways.
they don't understand that those ways can hurt.

they don't threaten us when they get the hint that we're trans* anymore.
but they won't ever accept it.

they won't ever accept us.

and i'm unpacking our suitcase and our grandmother is telling us that we're "different now" because we're "full of hate" and it was all i could do to keep from screaming "i don't hate anything; we're different now because we're full of LOVE" and why can't they ever see that what is wrong with us

weeping that we've never been happy here and we're so damn sorry for that but it's just
it's not unconditional.
it's never soft and warm and joyous.
it's always "love" expressed in panic and worry and offers of comfort that never actually happen.
it's always "love" that mutes itself whenever something uncomfortable or strange enters the picture.
it's always "love" that makes you feel ashamed of who you are and who you are not.
it's love as a concept. love that is maimed. "love" that is inherently blind to itself and others and will not admit that to either.

it's not love like ollie has for us.

she's not evil. she tries to understand but she changes the subject the instant something she doesn't want to hear comes up
and she keeps insisting "there's no sadness here! there are no bad memories here!" and shaking-head tongue clucks of "you've got to stop that" whenever we say we're depressed and they just keep refusing to admit or even acknowledge that maybe this damn house is choking with trauma residue for us and the people can be so frightening and we don't hate it but we do not feel safe here.

and they KNOW. the worst part is they KNOW because they've literally been told over and over and over for so many years and every damn time it is repeated they act like it's brand new news and then you can freaking see them drop the issue yet again. and we just know we'll have to play this stupid game again sooner than later.
it's exhausting. it is utterly exhausting and it's no wonder we're depressed.

refusing to even consider that this isn't this "perfect little picket fence" life
telling me we have to "marry a rich doctor to take care of you" and that whole sentiment is so ugly for what it hints at and the worst part is that they don't even realize that.
when we try to explain they flat out refuse to even listen.

(I'm already "married" to the ocean and the night sky and the lightning and the woods and the winds and the worst part of ALL of this is that i can never admit that to any of you)

and i'm unpacking our suitcase and suddenly everything is tense and violet and i just hear "fucking shit" and
tears falling onto our shared hands and this awful gritted teeth shaking grief and
laurie just sobbing,
"god it is so fucking hard to be so invisible"

...that's about it, love.

and that is why we cannot ever live here.



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080517 = Aug. 5th, 2017 11:54 pm

 

 

odd day. good and bad both.

tired and feeling scraped-out-aching and just needed to completely unplug from the world. turned off all the lights in the bathroom except for that red christmas nightlight bulb and just decided to simply shower in the dark with infi there. talking and trying to cofront and just learning what it's like to not be utterly terrified of being in a body so vulnerably. just learning to normalize US even in that. learning to be in this world in all ways.
and then chaos zero showing up because water and also simple open intimacy. absolutely staggering how i just... don't even care anymore about old fear things. like being utterly ashamed of this form inside and out, again for trauma reasons. but it's getting so much easier to just realize that they also do not judge and honestly all those inhuman folks in the system are utterly enamored with the simple miracles of human existence. realizing that, that i'm not on display here, that i'm not being objectified here, that i can be in a safe place like this, is what we ALL need to remember.
at some point, just discussing the past week events and such, everything just shockingly helping healing 2010 AND 2011 trauma residue a bit more. no longer being so utterly terrified of that present environment, notably. redefining what it meant.
and realizing that BODY DYSPHORIA is one of the main keys making things traumatic. across the board. that's very important. (remember there is a surprising amount of talk about this in the PITTSBURGH journals??? we NEED to start uploading that stuff asap btw.)

while talking to cz, me making the unusual sentiment of "you are my oyster" or something? the concept of the pearl being important. like how they form. protecting from invasive things and eventually burying it in beauty. something wonderfully good from a bad beginning. no idea how that fit into proper context but I clearly remember that mental image being important to that exact trauma-healing point i was trying to express

infi and that cave metaphor, not even jokingly-- just legit putting meaning into that sentiment. geez man. it is downright insane how ze can discuss that sort of thing and not sound even vaguely inappropriate. literally just utterly sincerely fascinated by people and their presences in this fragile life. exploration as a deeply reverent act.

laurie chilling close by in headspace as always, actually blocking her ears as we were all talking so she could be around us but not eavesdrop on something she wasn't supposed to hear; it was pretty adorable and touching
then genesis showing up totally out of the blue as usual, "what did I miss"
laurie just giving him the wtf shrug and exclaiming "gene-fucking-sis!"
genesis returning the wtf shrug with "lau-fucking-rie!"
and laurie goes "ah-- swear jar."
"aw man."
"don't fucking swear, it doesn't suit you."
"yeah, you're right." dramatic sigh and eye roll, drops a quarter in
laurie does that smirk-laugh and starts shaking the jar, "quarters quarters quarters"
gen: "and suddenly we see a side of laurie we've never seen before."
laurie jokingly, "being a miser?"
gen, "yeah. should be nickels though."
laurie, "I know, dude. *pause, then a grin* you got five nickels?"
gen, even louder dramatic sigh and eye roll, drops five nickels in
laurie practically cackling by now
at some point, chaos commenting "nah gen, laurie's not a miser, she's too generous. she'd be throwing those nickels at everyone."
laurie saying yeah, she'd be the swear jar santa-- she'd just walk around town and randomly fling nickels at people
genesis saying she'd effectively end up sniping people this way because of how much force she'd probably be throwing them with
laurie JUMPING on this idea with enthusiasm, decides she IS the "nickel sniper"
"just hanging out in 2fort, in sniper's portable starbucks. and he's like "how the fuck did you even get up here" but I tell 'im, watch and learn. then-- BAM! fuckin' headshot."
chaos is absolutely losing it from laughing so hard
laurie being a "c-c-combo breaker" by just literally stealing people's "kills" by randomly showing up and just nickel-sniping them
then she GRINS and gets the even better idea of being a "nickel sniper ninja" because no one can figure out how the hell she even got onto the map in the first place and she just shows up outta freakin' nowhere
we are all legit in stitches by now. it was awesome.
"kid this had better fucking become an injoke or I'm gonna fucking snipe you. with a nickel. wha-fuckin'-bam"

we need to just chill together like this more often, I adore it.

in other news.
day was really really bloody rough. the usual socials doing their best… jayce, jessica, jemma, echo, and we're starting to think one or two others? still learning.
chocoloco creeping around in the background but not saying/doing anything, just watching. axis keeping very much to himself, no surprise.

wreckage kept fronting when we were near the brother because he is just so damn scary and today was FURTHER proof that he KNOWS he is triggering us and he thinks its FUNNY or something. loud jarring noises triggering the kids (david notably), they jump hard and cover their ears, but not before the brother starts chuckling. and then he does it again. what the hell
wreckage HATES him on some level. trying to hold back her violent hyperprotective instincts because it will not help in the physical. but she only hates him because of what he does to the kids.
gotta admit thought the vibe/aura he gives off feels like drinking dishwater or drain cleaner. utterly poisonous. it is deeply nauseating and anxiety-provoking and it just feels wrong. what the hell happened to him to make him like this

and when we're in the kitchen and we'll catch him looking at us and doing that weird floaty movement stuff with his arms and hands, and staring at us like we have three heads, vacillating quickly between looks of shock and analysis and really creepy intimidating grins and laughs that are dark like tar. he is fucking terrifying, we cannot be around him at ALL. it is too triggering. too triggering. we end up dissociating hard and abuse-perpetuating because we get lost in that wrenching fear. CANNOT let that keep happening. we NEED to keep ourselves safe and love ourself no matter what that lost genetic brother treats us like now.

day's really blurry in general because it was SO DIFFICULT. so jarring coming back to this house and just… realizing how toxic it always was and still is. never having the proper frame of reference before.

jessica getting hit the hardest with that. jayce struggling to get daily life stuff done, kept blacking out and ended up throwing up repeatedly due to crippling nausea and not being able to keep any food down until like 8pm today. he kept looking in the mirror and saying "what the hell am i doing" "this is so unfair" "this body is SACRED now what the hell am i even doing"
feeling horrifically helpless and guilty and frightened at how our mind and body are struggling in this environment. the stomach has felt like battery acid all day.
HOWEVER. we have no self-loathing in us.
there are intrusive voices, true-- unnamed floaters that exist solely to loop the cruelest phrases and words we've ever heard. but we know they're wrong, now. even when 99% of us fearfully "believes" them, that 1% is a fucking diamond and they CANNOT change that core of truth. of knowing our inherent worth and lovability and strength no matter WHAT anyone says or does here.

but that hope mists out into our environment, too. it always does. it's what we live for, in a way. the fact that it never ever fails for us.

today was first saturday mass at church so we got to be the thurifer and just soaked in that incense smoke. it's so profoundly integral to our faith, all that mystery stuff.
absolutely high on sleep deprivation too. good lord. body half in a dream and half automatic; kept forgetting how words work. hard "millisecond dream" shocks too, like from back in high school. utterly bizarre.
GOOD readings though, dude. didn't register fully due to fatigue crash BUT we get to actually be the lector for them tomorrow morning.
nowhere to lie, we are staying up ludicrously late on purpose so that after that 8:30am mass we can drive to saint johns for their 10am kid's mass, then straight-up slide into an ethereal dreamlife state with beloved infinitii until the noon mass. then if we want to go back to the house we will. if we don't, we won't.
I just… want time with hir in that place. just to be there together, after everything now. just to soak in all that together. just to be.

…we pulled a straight-up johnny-nighter yesterday. no sleep since north carolina. god just saying that is such a hard yank at our chest.
part of us doesn't ever want to sleep again. not alone in here. not without those spectrum and star lights. not without cats sleeping on our legs and nuzzling our face at 3am. not without alt+j and arca echoing through our very bones at those same interim hours and listening for that blessed tone from our phone that meant ollie was texting us back from at work.
part of us doesn't want to wake up outside of those arms.

but there's the future. there is a future. we have a future now. we have a shared life to look forward to, even just in little snippets. but who even knows, dude. we're not gonna stay in this area once we get solidly enough on our feet. only time can tell.

it's almost midnight and this entire discover weekly spotify playlist has been so relevant it aches, and I am so grateful for that pain, because that means it matters.

we keep eating those tic tacs that kris likes. we keep going out and walking through the moss in the backyard that makes us think of trolley. we keep looking at our phone and remembering every message sent from it. we keep wearing our color glasses that saw another city before they saw ours. we found a candy cane in our backpack that was from their pantry barely 48 hours ago.
we keep reading and re-reading and re-reading that page in the back of the aqua-eye journal. have the page left open next to us at all times. remembering. reassuring ourselves, sometimes desperately, that it was real, that it is real, that there was no ending, just an until next time--
remembering exactly what it felt like to be in your home.
remembering exactly what you look like.

and infi. good god. dear lord. infinitii and thursday night. god. that was such an incredibly sacred experience that entire fucking porch is a veritable church at this point

but. oh god. memories just hit sometimes. and i don't even know what was happening but it was like 9am and we were wondering "how in the world are we going to make it through this first day alone" and just
this secondhand memory just slams into us

"do you love me, oliver?"

my heart is absolutely shattered in half.

"...do you really love me?"

god. oh god my poor beloved precious daemon, you poor broken thing, how we love you, how we all love you...
but in that moment i know exactly what you were fucking feeling and i am in tears, right now i want to pull you so close to my heart it's like you never left it and i just want to convince you that you never ever EVER have to doubt that sentiment from me OR oliver ever, ever--

but i know what you felt.

...where's it coming from, we both wonder.
what feeling are you mistaking for love, we wonder.
is it momentary, or does it have roots?
is it ever reciprocated or is this just wishful thinking?
do you love us, or the idea of us?
do you love us, or what we do?

are we worth anything when we're not a good time anymore? when we're not amusing, or fun, or entertaining, or interesting? if we don't perform well enough, if we're not perfectly fucking consumable, if we let them down for just a moment, suddenly we can't take it.
when it's over,
(except it's never over, not for us, but--)
are we worth anything?
or do we just get wadded up and discarded with the rest of the trash?

do you really love me, our poor hearts constantly wonder.
too used to never getting a positive reply to that question.
too used to topic changes.
too used to avoiding the issue.
too used to dead silence.

but oliver said yes.

and you knew.
and i know.
but infi, my love, his love, it still hurts so much to feel that horrible aching fear in your heart and having mine recognize it like an old bullet lodged in our mutual ribs.

i just... god.
i don't know if there's anything else i can even say about that right now. there's so much. so much.

and you just curled in on yourself when he let go and it felt like pulling the plug on your oxygen in the middle of space. utterly jarringly lethally empty.
and even being comforted, assured that such a fear was not the truth... even so, that initial gutwrenching terror is clear as the reasons why you felt it in the first place.

we love way too damn hard and get way too damn scared when we're afraid it's unrecognized. unappreciated. unwanted.

that isn't the case with him. that isn't the case with me.

but the moment still stands.
and it still aches like my own heart is hesitating at the edge of that tar-black abyss, fearing the worst,
because you were.

but be not afraid, beloved.
remember the next morning.
you... you really have no idea how much that helped all of us heal, do you, my beloved terrifying little thing.
you have no idea.
you made it utterly holy again just by your touching it and letting someone else touch it-- someone that you love. someone who loves you. ...someone who loves all of us.
thank god for you, infinitii. thank god for you.
and thank god for you, oliver.

…ollie sent us so many messages today.
we took a lot of little tiny photos for him & his today too, just legit brought out phone to church and afterwards tried to just simply purely capture some innocent snapshots of where we are now in life and space and time, just to forge an even grander connection, just to make it feel less alone here. like… now they'll know, a little bit, what it's like to see through our eyes here. just bridging the gap a bit more.

we cannot wait to read those words, waiting in three little windows. we've been putting it off solely because of how MUCH it matters. that's such a bad old trauma habit: believing that we "don't deserve" good things now, we have to wait like forever and then if we run out of time, oh well. that's garbage. we are allowed to fling our arms around that love and pull it close to our collective heart RIGHT NOW, and reciprocate just as immediately. constant forced delays only harm us. it's all a process of further absorbing that love, of further learning to see ourself as they do, as he does, as we felt beyond a doubt and now can never forget.

honestly though, we're exhausted and not in a good way but. still, we're glowing inside. we're sincerely smiling because look at the joy we can STILL HAVE HERE. look at the love we are STILL GETTING HERE, even across the miles.

the universe is forever sideways and things are still sliding into place. there's a lot of new distance to cover, but it's inevitable now. hope is tangible now. hope is that notification sound. hope is the color indigo. hope is a sunrise on a porch and hope is the starry timeless night before and beyond.
hope is in our very heartbeats and no matter what happens, it is there forever.