the spectrum heart cathedral system

CHILDREN

Are a gift from God

 

 

ABUSE YEARS WERE ABORTIVE.

 

FIRST LEGITIMATE "CONJUGAL" YEAR: 2013? (INFINITII)

 

Bizarrely our Core was MALE at that time. So WHO BORE THE CHILDREN???

OR DID THEY ALL GET PUT INTO PREGNANT BLACKSPACE?

Infinitii did hint at this being the case. Black has always been the ultra-feminine color in the System, representing the “womb” concept in a cosmic sense. NOT PAGAN. More like, God brought everything out of nothing—He brought Light out of Darkness. Essentially, through the Holy Male influence (Light), the Female influence (Dark) was made Holy too, and BIRTH=CREATION OCCURRED.

As above so below: WHENEVER there is a MALE+FEMALE UNION, there is INEVITABLY A CREATION. THIS IS GOD'S DESIGN AND IT STANDS TRUE.

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CORES:

 

JAY, CERISE (2013?)

JAY, WHITE (2011-2012?)

A JEWEL??? (would have to be leaning cerise)

PARTNERS:

CHAOS ZERO (aqua)

GENESIS (amber)

INFINITII (black)

CELEBI (lime)

VENTRIUM (cerise?)

TOSHINSEI (?)

 

"poly" time period did involve Rio & Markus? but there is no "directness" felt there

 

DO HACKS COUNT??? OR NOT, BECAUSE THE PERPETRATORS WERE NOTABLY TYPICALLY FEMALE????

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KIDS WE KNOW OF:

 

XENOPHON YONAH LEPHISE (purple) = CHAOS 0 + JAY-EROS?

 

“blue crystal bug” (cyan?) = CELEBI + JAYCE

 

“SHINZOU” (paintblot moth) ? (gold?) = ???

 

…

…

 

 

Children “appear” via PAREIDOLIA; in paintblots, bloodsinks, waterwhite, etc.

An upsetting thing I realized this morning:
We still have DID even when we're not tuned into the Spectrum.

I never really realized that we STILL SWITCH when "we're" not around.
The System-unaware socials, all those alters who exist for reasons outside... they're still alters. I NEVER realized that before, probably because we thought alters/ switching/ etc. were ONLY tied to the Spectrum... and, because we weren't aware of these non-Spectrum people until very recently, when we started watching more carefully, trying to solve the time loss, and the blackouts, and the missing information...


We found that manic-spending social we've been hunting for years.
She's the one who comes out around the brother. ALWAYS.
She's ALSO the one who tried to get us into BDSM when some stranger online wanted to be her friend but insisted she become his "master." (we were IRATE when we found out)
She's ALSO the one who tried to turn us into a furry and immerse us in that entire community and personality type when our previous best friend revealed he was one right before he left us.
So it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started drinking when the mother started touting it as "mature" instead of "boorish."
And it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started doing drugs when the brother claimed it was spiritually enlightening.

Son of a bitch.

This cursed alter has the WORST root anchor EVER.

(be careful with your language, guys, please, we're trying to weed that out of our subconscious too. that and the proud subtle-superiority the teenage socials have/had. so be careful.)

But yeah. This f*ing teenage social-- I guess she's what, 17? long hair as always-- NEVER STOPS TALKING because she's always trying to entertain the people around her. She learns exactly what they like to hear about and talk about, and then she f*ing rambles about it for HOURS.

The reason why we're currently furious is because lately, the brother has been telling us to watch this cartoon he likes, right? So this smiley-shallow alter is like "sure bro! I'll watch it!" although she's WELL AWARE that it's an ADULT CARTOON and we CANNOT WATCH THOSE.
But yeah, anyway this bitch sits down and watches the first two minutes of this show, and immediately has to x it off and dissociate absolutely because it's already dirty jokes and vulgarity and profanity and f*cking nudity.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THE BROTHER TOLD US TO WATCH A SHOW LIKE THIS.
HE F*KING KNOWS WE CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF CONTENT.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE TRYING TO PULL?????

Is he like the mother? Where she believes that our condition is fake until she tests it to oblivion, and even then she won't accept what she sees?
...That's where we get that habit, isn't it.


In any case my main concern is GETTING RID OF THIS F*ING ALTER because she is single-handedly RUINING OUR LIFE and causing more damage than virtually anyone in this System, hackers included.
Son of a bitch. She's a carbon copy of the mother's smile-and-nod sh*t that she pulls all the time, she's nothing but a stupid airhead fool who does NOTHING BUT "PLEASE PEOPLE" WITH HER IDIOCY and in the long run all she's doing is being a stone-cold bitch. She's horrifically abusive and she doesn't even realize it because she probably doesn't even have a SENSE OF SELF.

We need to tell the therapist about her, but the response will probably be "can I talk to her" or "have you talked to her?" and with socials you typically CAN'T, except... oh hold up. Except this one is triggered dangerously easily. All you have to do is put us in a situation where we "have to please people."

Wait, did this bitch front at the job????????

I don't know. I don't know. We need to bring this up in therapy, think about it more there.




(later)



I've had it with this too.
I'm going to find a razor. (This is Wreckage.) It's a matter of honor.
Until we find a better consequence, this is the only way we can atone. This is the only retribution we have for the horror they wreak on our body.



(closing note from Jay: the spitting-fury alter who has that much rage towards people who cause harm to us-- consciously or unconsciously-- is a double edged sword; on one hand it's great that one of us can BE angry when we're in danger, but on the other hand that is toxic stuff and when it manifest outside it can cause dramatic problems. So we need to be careful. To that alter: please see if you can find a way of managing that pain/fury in a way that isn't rooted in something close to hatred. It'll only hurt you too, this way.)

(also from jay. something i've noticed.
i need to CONSCIOUSLY OVERLAY MYSELF lately or we get really badly dissociated and that means the apathetic, depressed girls show up.
we need to heal them somehow.
but until then i NEED to focus on fronting. me or whoever else is safe.
jayce is depressed too though?)
(IRIDESCENT accents???? he's been trying to overlay iridescence on himself and it's HELPING? we're all incredibly intrigued by that)

 
 

 

 

Jayce was out today. The REAL one. The one with light brown hair who is tied to the body and is fiercely aware of headspace but can't talk to it. The one who IS a boy and who wants to take care of his body without the abusive girls tearing it apart.
He was out this evening, sobbing and shouting in the wake of another abusive binge that made the body feel like it had the flu. We haven't been this sick in YEARS. And it's because these corrupt women keep poisoning us, over and over and over.
The programming can all be tracked back to the mother. But we can't hate her. We can only be strict, must recognize that she is toxic, and leave her environment. We must not let ourselves be corrupted by bitterness. We must just let go.
But Jayce was furious. And he was fiercely determined to fix this somehow.

I'm happy. Perhaps that's the wrong word. It's a grim and rocky but solid, determined happiness, one that sees the long road ahead but who knows that it's leading the right way for once.

Jay is already asking, "how can we bring more love into this situation?" Can we find people who can front entirely in the body, like Jayce, who are ruled by compassion? Can we find fronters who can TAKE CARE of the body, for once? Jayce will protect it, sure, and run by our rules… but he can't be as soft with it as I feel it might need. This body has been utterly wrecked over the years. We need a fronter who will handle it like Dalton handles a car. We need a fronter to recognize that this body is a temple, and treat it as such.
But those TERRIBLE GIRLS are tied to the body itself and that is the problem. All the non-Spectrum long-brown-haired girls are abusive and timelocked in dead timelines, WAY in the past. And they keep trying to DRAG US BACK THERE because someone told us that "WE HAVE TO BE 'NORMAL'" or "WHY CAN'T YOU BE WHO YOU WERE BEFORE" or some shit like that.
Well guess what. WE WON'T. WE WILL NEVER BE WHO YOU REMEMBER BECAUSE THAT WAS NOT US AND WILL NEVER BE US. WE REFUSE TO BECOME THAT SORT OF PERSON EVER. YOU WILL NOT FORCE US TO COPY YOUR HEARTLESS ABUSIVE NEGLECTFUL LIFESTYLE, EVER, EVER, EVER

Those girl mindsets are stuck solidly in 2010, 2009, or earlier. There are NO abusive alters of that sort past 2010. That says a lot.


Yesterday the ORIGINAL JEWEL was out for like an hour or two, outside, literally worldbuilding Dream World as effortlessly as she always used to back in 2001-2003. It was… it was incredible, really, feeling that after the fact. She exists and that is beautiful, that is glorious, thank God, we need her more than anything.
The Leagueworlds are our biggest lifeline, in every sense possible, so still having the first person they spoke to around is just the biggest blessing, really.


Also. We were wondering. Since Jayce cannot talk to headspace, but he is STILL in the Spectrum (there's a very specific feeling to that, as opposed to non-Spectrum socials)… is THIS what the true function of the Bears is??? Are they supposed to bridge THAT gap??
Seriously, they ALL originate as plushies, that’s the thing. We currently have three: Silverheart, Herald, and Garnet. We used to have a ton of Care Bears but they all sadly got sold. Nevertheless, Jayce was distraught and was saying that in order to stop these awful E.D. hackers, we would have to 1) NOT eat in the kitchen if at all possible (as that room is as toxic as the bathroom used to be as a child), and/or 2) "carry around something at all times" to keep JAYCE around when he was in dangerous areas like that. And the first thought was, "what if we carried one of the bears?" It could work. We will see.
Minty's really excited about this, haha. But she's being very wise about it. "We have to wait until the bears reveal themselves," she says. In other words, either you find them or they find you; you don't just jump in and start buying bears, they're "not objects or toys" as ironic as that might sound. "They're important and they have a reason to be here and a job to do," Minty says. "Just like us! And that's the point."

On that note Jay is still trying to get the "BLC bracelet" thing together, but the one shop we need to buy the last colors from has not responded to any of our messages. If only we knew where to buy these supplies on our own, we could cut out the middleman. We'll have to look. But that bracelet was the first idea of "carry around an inner-grounding item at all times." We haven't given up on it.
Also with Jay and colors and fronters. He was wondering just how colors would play into Spectrum-rooted Socials. Jayce is Brown, and all Spectrum Browns are body-based, that's the color's function really. But Browns can't do certain "physical life" jobs, notably the finer aspects of self-care. So Jay is using his innerlife intuition to "feel" just what colors can do what. He's making a list. So when this is all done, we'll have an idea of where to go with this process.


It's scary, having the body this sick. But we have hope. We can fix this, slowly but surely. We can be healthy again. We can stop self-abusing. We can act as WE are, we can be who WE are, instead of what someone else insisted we be.


A lot of our spiritual voices have been out lately. Jay holds that too, but in a different sense. Nevertheless it's helping a lot. The "prophet" feeling is back full-force, fully positively. The GOOD floating voices are back and we're learning to listen to them better. The toughest part is just overcoming the abusive programming, which tends to make us "black out" or go into apathy mode. We need to be tougher, we need to be more unflinchingly insistent, we cannot give those negative states ANY leeway at all. But we also need to stop feeling like we are "utter damned failures" for messing up even once. It's the fear that "if you miss that ONE chance, you screwed up forever, and will NEVER get a chance to be good again." That fear was unfortunately burned into our brain VERY strongly in 2012, with one specifically terrifying example memory. So it's yet another thing we need to gently but strongly fix. We will.


Some unknown social, from the same timelocked 2009-2010 period, laughed with tearful joy when Spine took over temporarily this evening, to get the body moving in the face of fear-based apathy. They felt a bit like Cannon, like those Jewel-bloodline people when things started to split, when headspace suddenly became the core of our life, when our old blind mask-wearing life died in a sudden burst of colors and sound.
It meant a lot. Feeling us, the sudden bloom of space and consciousness and life and love upstairs, even in the midst of what we were grappling with… that's what we need to remember, always. That's what we need to ACTIVELY LIVE AS.
It's been horrifically difficult lately, what with the vicegrip abusive habits we're facing. Those programs are springloaded guillotines and they are hellish to fight. Ironically… the key is, don't fight 'em. There's a quote about that, by the guy who did geodesic domes… Buckminster Fuller. “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” That's what this is.
He has another quote that feels relevant here. "When I am working on a problem, I never think about beauty but when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong."
That guy in general was brilliant and very wise. We should read more about him sometime.


They wouldn't stop playing "Happy Birthday" at our parish picnic yesterday evening and we had no clue why. But it felt notable.
August in general is an odd month. It feels "empty" in the calendar, like a total transition month-- from the vagueness of summer to the life of autumn. September is our January, and August is the bridge. So it was interesting, to hear that song yesterday, and then for today to hold such a big shift in our way of living. It's about time, but still. Relevant.


11:11. Thank God. It's been so long since we saw that time. Thank you.
Help us live up to this. Help us to continue trying our best.
"We will," comes the response. I know.
Be patient with us, but be strict, and be compassionate, please.
A smile, again, "always."


There's still a lot we have to do tonight, and we really should get to sleep by midnight so this poor body can sleep at least 7 hours before work and therapy tomorrow.
We finished reading this entry in therapy and she seemed to have a LOT of questions so we'll see what tomorrow's session brings. If she doesn't have any pressing concerns we WILL bring up this current situation with the abusive programmed socials, as although we have total faith that we can manage this ourselves, it is always good to have some help and support.


Song of the night is this, see you kids tomorrow.

 

 

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@2:30 AM

 

2:30 AM, august 3rd. "messenger of good."
talking to chaos 0 about prophet things; basically, if a prophet is a mouthpiece for god, then someone acting as good and honestly as they can should count as a prophet. this tumblr plague of "prophets who scream and cry blood and see demons" is really upsetting and very very toxic I think. but chaos said I was enough of a good messenger as I was, especially to him. not sure if the word "angel" was used but considering how often I toss that word at him, having it sent back towards me would be notable.
either way. when he said he thought that "prophets" were just as legit when they were bright and soft and loving, I felt this profound peace and reassurance.
I don’t think I should call myself a prophet. it feels wrong. that's not something you can choose.
but I will say, I want to try and live up to the same level of devotion as a prophet would.

 

 

 

 

 

All right.
First of all, I am very very sorry for the apparent truckload of negative/ pained/ confused/ scared entries that have been appearing here lately.
As usual, I have not read them, but I should. I can't tonight; I have to get to sleep in literally 5 minutes or we're in trouble (we've been getting <5 hours for the past three days and the body is not happy about that).

We have a day off from work tomorrow so we plan to spend the morning PAINTING SHIRTS before therapy.
We're halfway done with our first set and we want to finish them so we can start the next. It'll be fun. It's a great coping method/ stress relief thing too.

The job is great, we adore it. Waldorf and Kyanos are the main people standing by in Central to chat about it, Jayce is the main fronter, Spine and Lynne stop by often, Laurie is always standing in the background somewhere.

We're saving up for a new iPod, because although we love Razia and he's the most loyal thing ever, he's landlocked so we haven't had new music on him since 2012.
I sleepily tried singing something to see if our new voice still matches me inside (as the host). It does. I'm elated.
In 2010 and later, our pitchshifted voice was higher and younger. It matched Pinstripe, Adakias, Cupid, you name them. But I have a lower voice than they do the way it is. And it's slowly pitchshifting in reality, too, so to speak. Which is lovely.

We did a "spell" tonight, something completely spur-of-the-moment but heartfelt. Someone used to do those before, I think Mulberry actually does. But I mean, the sort of childlike-honesty, unplanned but entirely sincere spells, like this. Someone has done these before.
Anyway, tried banishing all negative things/ Tar/ Plague/ etc. from Chaos' anchor plush. We're trying. We really are.
We've been thinking nonstop about this situation for about a week now. We've realized just how many fronters and alters we're dealing with here, as well as how many fractures CZ has.
We're also having to re-face some old stuff with another person, who's just as utterly confusing and vitally irreplacable. But we'll talk about that tomorrow, or Friday.

Death is still always in the back of our minds, just as violet as Laurie, just as unignorable, just as compassionate, just as sharp.
Life is a tricky thing but we're learning how to handle it better.

Right now (yes, this is Jay, if you couldn't tell), there's hope. Thank God, so to speak. Hope's been somewhat elusive as of late, and so have I, to be honest.
But, to reiterate what everyone always says in here... we're managing. We're still working on our life, still doing our best. And we are.


I'm sorry. I'm the most guilty of degenerating into platitudes if I'm not careful. I'm too optimistic, sometimes.
I'm doing well. I have to help everyone else do well now.
Have a good night. ♥

 

 

 

 

My heart has been closed for a long time, because somewhere, someone convinced me that having an open heart was the same thing as having open legs.
(strange war between old hack residue and new knowledge. eros and julie at the forefront of protection. infinitii getting torn to shreds by the bombs, so to speak.)

 

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@ 03:03 am

 

A quick update for today.

- We went to see a psychiatrist, I suppose for the general first intake? Tons of paperwork. However, in the days/weeks leading up to this appointment, we thought about the last time we saw a psychiatrist, and we realized something-- back then, we had answered the questions according to what we thought was proper or expected. "Do you feel/ act/ think this way," et cetera, and whoever answered the questions back then was too busy smiling and trying to appear healthy to be honest. Well. Not so today. We were lucky to get a blank fronter out-- NOT a numb one, there's a difference! Numbs don't feel anything, don't care, and aren't connected to headspace as a result. Blanks, though... they're emotionless, detached, but not apathetic. They ARE tied to us, if only from a 'reporter' perspective, and they won't disclose our existence unless it is unavoidable. That appears to be their real function-- knowing of us, and respecting that fact totally, while protecting us from the outside, from doubters and condemners. Nevertheless they ARE HONEST. (They also seem to all be in the Gray area of the Spectrum, unsurprisingly.) Anyway, yes, one was out talking for our intake today. They didn't leave any accessible residual data for us, other than what the room looked like, so we "lost" two hours there, but for once we don't regret it. We know who that time went to, and we trust them, whoever they are, and we are glad.
- The psych had a little Good Luck Bear plushie on her desk, which caught Minty's attention. What was surprising was that she actually ghosted to sit next to our fronter, if only to just be there. Later on Genesis ended up sitting in a chair across the room (lounging in it is more accurate), which I only know because our fronter was backing off a bit at that time (the psych doc left the room temporarily, after our existence was disclosed and the blank therefore could freely hand over the reins to us), and I got to sit in the body for a minute or so.
- The docs prescribed Abilify BUT as soon as we got to the car (we were massively switchy and dissociated between there and the office, lots of fragmenty stuff), our infamous "manic red" fronter came out and started laughing and ranting about it... TO US. That is VERY NEW. Weirdly she's always known about us, but in a sort of "I don't care" way... she was always more concerned with doing her own thing. But now, now she's starting to warm up to the idea of other people, if only in a rather narcissistic sense-- she likes being the center of attention. I'll admit though, I don't dislike her. Her energy is blazing but it's not malevolent, really. It just has a tendency to edge over that way when it gets overwhelming. She's like a sun strapped into a skeleton; all plasma roar and victorious laughter. She's funny, too. Only thing is she needs to turn down the fire, because after barely 10 minutes of fronting the body is exhausted. It also HURTS in her wake, I noticed that following her in. Some fronters leave like little "hook-scars" in the brain when they leave, like walking through a patch of brambles. She leaves something like a fishhook brushburn. But at least she can be reasoned with, and she's willing to leave and let other people out when her energy isn't proper for a situation. That's really significant too.
- But yeah, she was furious-laugh-ranting because they gave us Abilify "to deal with your inability to express emotion," when in fact what had happened was that our blank fronter was one of the ONLY PEOPLE in the System to even have that problem. This girl, this explosion of extroversion, was the polar opposite of that. So she took it upon herself to front very loudly and therefore invalidate the claim that we were emotionless. I had to point out that the Abilify, being an antipsychotic, was also used to treat aggression/ tantrums/ mood swings/ etc. tied to bipolar disorder and autism, so she had to be careful. To that, she then began calling the meds a "neurological sedative" and refused to let the body take anything that would "suppress her existence." All in all no one was happy about it but she took it personally. We then found out that there is both corn and milk in the pills, and ended up laughing because "hey, a loophole," in case anyone was stuck having to admit that we weren't taking them and needed a "non-weird" reason as to why. (Oh yeah, and it can also cause weight gain, to which every E.D. voice basically shouted hell no, not again.)
- I do want to note that it feels like her energy IS blurring with the "clean cut" Razor splinter voice, who also feels red, and whose energy is terribly similar to this manic girl's (same root anchor? no idea yet). So we're getting name-hints but we don't know whose is what yet. I'm sorry for the blurry data but again, this is new. We haven't been in a state of mind where things are open to just LET people front at will, like the old days, which we all miss. But that's happening again now. We're a "we" again. I'm also terribly sorry for having said that over and over for months now, I think... it's just that, no matter how many times it may happen, these flashes, they're new. They're wonderful. And they're all steps up. We never step back. It's like... finding the exit door, only to find yourself in another little labyrinth. But you're out of the first one now, the big heavy one. You're out, and you're closer to the outside now, just don't give up. There are more doors. Now there are windows too. It's going to be okay. And it is okay, when you remember that regardless of physical distance, hearts are forever tied. No one, ever, anywhere, can take us away from each other. There's just a little more space, a little more fog, hanging about than is healthy. It's not permanent. If I can't see them, I can hear them. And if I can't hear them, all I need to do is move about a bit, in any direction, and I'll bump into someone eventually. If I can't move... I couldn't say, because I've never been in that position. Even if my steps may appear to be missteps, at the time, my feet are always free. As long as this body lives and breathes, I will make its life a testament to hope, through me, through us. And when it dies I can only pray it will leave that behind like a gold dust.
- That got kind of poetic. It's 3AM, that is why.
- The most important thing about that whole appointment, though, was the feeling I got when I was in the body for a minute. It was this intense validation, this feeling of incredulity and gratitude, of realizing that we just told a doc that we exist and they ROLLED WITH IT. Neither of those things have EVER happened before. We opened our heart to the reality of our own existence-- a terribly, sadly hard thing to do lately, what with feeling such happiness is "evil" for some unknown reason-- and then had the absolute guts (or the total lack of comprehension of "guts" or the lack thereof, thanks blank fronters) to ADMIT THAT to another person. So yes. It felt incredible for a minute. It felt like... tuning into what we were, into WHO we were, those first steps at becoming a sort of "family" inside back in 2010, but without the crushing pain and fear and anxiety Cannon's timeline cradled. We've healed so much now.
- I saw Central talking amongst themselves earlier, not sure about what, but Leon was doing the whole air-summon thing that previously only Laurie and I have done actively (it's like forming small temporary "holograms" in the air, to illustrate a point or express an idea). Laurie did compliment him on this, rather amazedly too. He responded with something along the lines of, "I want to be more directly active in Central." Which I HOPE he does, I love him, he's such a great guy.
- On that note Javier already has total "you can chill in the Core bedroom whenever you want" rights. He's too cool (ironically). Personally I do feel a BFF-y connection to him as the Red holder anyway, so. It's great.
- Jayce has been helping a lot lately, being our reflection dude. Nienna is still singing. We're all making sure Spine sticks around Central. The Undergrounders are all doing okay. So are Jeremiah and the kids. Julie still has her ribbons on her arms. Laurie is healing her anchor. So is Infinitii. Patience and compassion are key. It's amazing how deep it all goes, how much still needs to be untangled and healed and loved back to light, bit by bit. We're getting our strength back, our warrior blood, and prophet heart. Bit by bit.
- Lastly PLEASE remind me to finish transcribing/uploading the massive amount of neglected data files on Mitchell & Morpheus, our voice recorders. Not only will that help me anchor in this new "we do exist" joy again, but it will also get us back on track with what's solved and what isn't.
- There WAS snow the other day and there was a spring sunset today and it's supposed to thunderstorm on Thursday. What a week. Life is nice.

Good night everyone. I love all you readers and passers-by and people so hold that to your heart and be well, if only for the moment. It'll stick.

 

 

 

 

Tired and chilly tonight, but here's a quick update to get in the habit again.

-- I spent four hours today peeling pears from my dad's neighbor's house, it was fun.
-- I had to return Dune when I was only up to page 400, oh no. But one other local library has it, so I'll grab a copy on Wednesday and finish it if I am able to.
-- My voice is cracking all over the place and I love it. I have got SICK VIBRATO now when I sing, which is amazing. Also my high notes are mostly falsetto now, which is a little confusing, but at least the lower notes are filling out which feels better anyway.
-- There is also hair coming in on my face and my bro agrees that it is awesome, I am so excited.
-- It was FLYING WEATHER today. It smelled like magic. The one tree in front of our house that turns a vivid soulfire-pink every year decided last night to start doing so. I ran outside for a bit in the grass, arms out, feeling my wings there again. I couldn't stop smiling, there's something really gorgeous in the air lately, I need to go outside much more often now and soak in it.
-- Surgery is in about 10 days, and according to the archives we are actually dealing with a LOT of the SAME STUFF from this tiem period last year. That shocked me a bit, maybe that's part of why we're here again. So I'll be reviewing the archives like mad over the next few days, getting a mental foothold on where we need to heal more completely. We have made incredible progress, true, and a lot is healed, but there are a few loose ends yet.
-- We're trying to figure out the Core/Fronter situation, as the past several updates may have indicated. The current situation has Jayce (the brown-haired "reflection" from many months ago) as the default fronter, solely because of the reflection ties. This young kid named Jesse has showed up a few times over the past two weeks, but he's rooted downstairs so he's unaware of us. No idea what his deal is yet. In any case we're trying to see if Kyanos can front more often, because he was born to do so after the Scratch, and he has VERY strong connections to the physical consciousness as a result (he can front effortlessly). But ultimately the goal is to get Jay in there, which would require "merging the inner and the outer worlds"-- in other words, being able to act in the physical world without sacrificing our inner integrity and selves. It's difficult because so much of the physical existence is still damaged, or viewed as such. This is what keeps dragging out fragments, and fronters like Cannon and Jessica. Until we heal those issues, Jay will NOT be able to stay out fronting, as his anchor forbids it and he gets pulled back in whenever a situation compromises it. However that same thing gives him a huge advantage, as positive triggers can call him out IF they don't get angrily shoved aside or denied by the negative fronters. So it's tricky, but we have a good grip on this now! And we're growing and learning every day.
-- On that note, Jessica's daemon is quickly becoming a major player in our daily life. Since Jessica gets dragged out to front at home often, and she's a mess, he is keeping everything in check where neither she or I can. He is also surprisingly stern and somewhat brutal towards me. I'm used to Infi's boundless soft edge, but this guy is unflinchingly hard. But it reflects in his appearance too. I still haven't seen his legs, but I think they're ribbony too? I also cannot see his head at all-- he specifically will not let me touch or search his energy field, even intuitively, to "see" him (he says only Jessica is allowed near him, and refuses to compromise this)-- but there are at least four big dark red eyes on the front of his face, that looked painted-on? They feel almost like symbols, and keep making me think (unsettlingly enough) of Sahaquiel from NGE. I don't know how relevant that may be (I haven't looked) but I keep thinking of that tar-spider from last fall... whiiiich happened exactly a year ago yesterday. That's absolutely shocking. So we'll see, I definitely have to pursue this now. Anyway, like Infi, this guy also has no visible mouth, but I HAVE "heard" him talk (all daemons so far normally use thought-speak), and his voice is low and oddly uncentered, like it's coming from a stereo direction and not a direct source. I have no idea where his personal "space" is located (yes, so far all daemons seem to exist in their own pocket spaces like Infinitii and hir bubble) but it's a vaguely cappuchino-foam color? And again it is lit in a way that feels completely indirect. It also feels like being at the top of a long vertical shaft, floating barely a foot beneath the ceiling, but with meters upon meters stretching down below you. It's not claustrophobic, just oddly deep and high up both. Oh, but as to how I heard him talk, he's been giving me orders. Infinitii finds it difficult to boss me around (ze prefers to lead by example, and help me to function well enough that I don't need to be bossed around), but recent matters have been very loud and raw and disorienting (the stuff coming up to the surface to be released) so a harsher hand was needed. And honestly, I don't think Infinitii COULD help with this, because all that raw stuff is tied to Jessica, by her very anchor. So her daemon is calling the shots for EVERYONE who dares trespass into that territory, so to speak. I know he's mad at Jayce but he can't reach him, as Jayce is still mostly a social so his innerspace ties are very, very faint. Still, this daemon has force behind him, of a totally different kind than Infi, but just as powerful. Lastly, for whatever reason I keep trying to find his name (he's not happy about that either) and I keep getting the phrase "choco loco" tossed at me. "Crazy chocolate," basically. It's obviously a throwback to the old addictions Jess had to that food, and the awful side effects we'd get from it... the worst of which was a nasty caffeine shock. So maybe that's his way of subtly threatening me again, to stay out of his business. Honestly I should, and I will. I have my own daemon to deal with. I'll talk to Jess about this issue when the need arises, otherwise I won't prod anymore. It's only respectful. In any case that's all I know about him so far.
-- Most importantly, as of late.... about two days ago, I got so sick of those "floating faceless voices" bossing me around that I was in angry tears and we got Laurie to stick around instead. She refused to leave for the rest of the day after that, and... how do I put that into words? I had forgotten what it was like to have a COLLECTIVE deciding on actions and 'orders,' to have a benevolent community working together to exist for the day, instead of one lost separate fronter trying and failing to placate all these strange angry voices. I had forgotten what it was like. So I held on to that in my heart, so thankful for it. Since then I've been calling Laurie every time there's a hint of the voices returning, and we can get right back on the right track. Instead of blind obedience, now we are making educated, wise decisions again. It was like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders... and put back into my hands to be loved. I miss everyone being around so much. It's been too long since they were this close and tangible in the waking life. Lately I've only been able to talk people in meditations, mind. But now, they're right back in the present awareness.
-- Synchronicity has been EVERYWHERE since then. I am smiling fit to burst from that. My heart is so relieved. I had virtually NO synchronicity with the floating voices, and this sense of inner buoyancy was missing too. Again, it is so good to have it back, with everyone.
-- Zwei was out to sing during mass on Saturday, and she's doing better too! She was unstable for a while, unsure of her purpose, but she really "clicked" all of a sudden and it felt beautiful. I think it's because she's an android like her brother, and she hasn't been "carrying that in" to her fronting until lately. But when she does it's like she relaxes, too; she's more in-tune with her inner self as it is projected into the body.
-- Chaos has been in so many of my dreams lately, both late-night and early-morning (there is a marked difference!). It's odd, because he feels close in them, not just some passing presence or mention. He feels almost tangible even if he's only there for a few seconds. It's like... walking through a video game environment, where you're the only player, and then all of a sudden another player character walks in. And you can feel that bit of life in them, somehow, even if they are thousands of miles away. Anyway that's what it's been like. Something deep in my chest is sparkling quietly just at the thought of it, and that makes me want to do better during the day, too. As we said, it's been tough, but not in a bad way. No one has lost hope, not even in the slightest. I just... ended up in tears today, when this thought hit me that I "wasn't worthy enough" yet, to meet him in this life, or even to move into his. We have an old perfectionist standard to the physical life; there's a lot of guilt and shame there yet, old programming that Jessica is at the center of. It's being healed; I'm being patient with her, and her daemon is outright forbidding me from doing anything even possibly detrimental to her... thank God. I'm very thankful for his severity lately, just as I am thankful for CZ's still-undying compassion, even when he's struggling himself. He's an angel, I swear.
-- Oh! Ryman DOES have a daemon, he's bizarrely insectoid with a pyramid for a head. He's been creeping about for months actually, I just had no idea what the heck he was. I can only see him in soul-shadows yet, just that sort of intuitive vague knowing. So he's hidden, I don't even know if Ryman talks to him. But he exists, if only dimly right now.
-- I might take my laptop to the coffeeshop tomorrow, the one that Genesis and one of our past cores (the female J, I think-- she still went by "spinny" and that's the name I got) used to frequent in the summer of 2009. Man we got so much work done that year, it's incredible. But yes, I'm still getting the typecode system figured out for Dream World, as it's tech work and it's interesting and I want to get it done before I dive back into story progression. Having the "invisible roots" for a story helps a lot, so hey.
-- Leon and Nat were briefly trying to help Jayce out today, with fronting. Later on Leon was backing up Laurie in trying to "talk me back into sense" after a destructive mental state, and I remember him telling her "I care about him just as much as you do-- we all do." That cut through to the heart of me and it did help me come back in.
-- Remind me to draw out the headspace symbols soon, too-- the synaesthetic shapes that are supposed to represent each Spectrum hue. In church the woman sitting in front of me was wearing jewelry in the shape of the Pink symbol, and I couldn't help smiling at that.
-- Lastly, there was a LOT that happened on the 19th and it was wonderful but I will type that up tomorrow!
-- All right now I am terribly tired, have a lovely night everyone.

 

 

Currently following Spinny's paper trail.

2009 is one of our most striking "lost years." We're mostly unsure who the heck was around during that time, but I want to solve it.
There was a bad hack tonight, I'm in pain, I'm scared, and I'm cut off from headspace. I'm trying to stay optimistic though... "death isn't a curse." "This won't ruin you." "No one can ever touch you again." Things like that. I know there are people in this body, in this heart, who carry pain from that in the past... I don't know them, I'm stuck down here. That's fine. I'll do my job the best I can, and keep this away from them.
This isn't Jay. I'm actually... closer to Cannon. I'm not the one they call Spinny, but I was around at the same time as them both. Maybe you can all call me Glissando, who knows.

Anyway. 2009. Let's see what we have.
I feel very close to parts of this year. Like right now, I feel like I should be in the kitchen, typing this journal entry, getting ready for Marywood in the morning. Cannon feels very close to me, like an invisible sibling almost. And there are hints of the boys in here too, but from the future, from beyond my time. I'm old, early college years... I know Genesis, but who knows where he is right now. I'm tied to coffee shops and sketchbooks at night. More of a... photography feeling. A late night sadness, but with hope beneath it. Walking through the rain.
But that's only part of this year, of 2009. Someone else was out during the day, online... some louder girl, someone we don't know. She's gone now, long gone as far as we know... so let me pick up these breadcrumbs once and for all.


JULY 2009


This picture is our main timestamp. She joined tweaktoday in July and we got some photos from it, markedly this one:


A photo of "jwl," but wearing Cannon's clothing. So we're not sure who this is, but it's the only photo we have of them from that time period.


The bookstore I loved. I didn't take this photo. I was never there in the morning. Honestly it's surprising to see the place so bright.

Whoever this person was, they were the LAST person to hold a lot of "old memories." They remembered some things from later childhood and the teenage years, which again suggests they were strongly tied to Spinny (which isn't surprising as they were a social fronter).

Sherlock here. Sorry for interrupting, I felt the data stream and was pulled in.
This is notable. I see we have a new speaker.


Whoever was out in 2009 was also out in 2010, according to later tweaktoday stuff. That's shocking.
Jayce was around during that time. He referenced "co-fronting" with at least one other person during that time.
Obviously.
That would be because NIER was in the life by that time. That's where the male anchor came from at last.

This was the TF2 phase. There's no memory of that, but here's some proof.
Same with the Pokemania. There's list of a Celebi binge around that time.
It was sold before we came to be, though.
Yes. That's why we have no direct memory of it. That was pre-Scratch. What else is here...

There's the Todd Rundgren concert. Does anyone remember that?
*shakes head*
No. Which is sad, because it was marked as a fond memory.
Does anyone else find it unsettling that so many memories are missing?
That's what we're trying to fix here, obviously.

This is getting tangled.
Oh-- no, this is important. That photo, right there. There was a third in the set which is missing due to overwhelming body dysphoria.
Was that tied to the fronter?
Apparently. This was Christmas 2009. The bloodline gender was shifting at the time.
Ah.
So mark that down.

Still a Celebi association in May 2010.
I think we should do this on our own time.
Wait-- there's our last big link. This song is relevant too.
Hm. College?
Yes. Thank you Kalisha, that is the exact memory this is tied too. There was an entry about that somewhere. Garrison?
Yes sir-- right here, this one.
Ah. Thank you. And I agree, let's let Glissando continue this on her own if she wishes. There's too much data to sift through in realtime.

That entry wasn't elaborated upon.
Which one, the Tony Bennett one?
Yes. She was sitting at a sunlit table to the right of the stairs... convinced that she was about to die. And singing. That is such a powerful memory, I can see it.
Strange... that that one moment might be burned into our minds so clearly.
Existential moments normally are.
Thank you, Kalisha. Now let's take a break from this; this is really hurting my head.
Too much information?
Too much tangled information. We can't do this and think at the same time. I'm sorry.
It's okay, Garrison, no need to apologize. Let's let this continue as it will.
Good bye everyone!



...Whoever wrote the poetry during this time period was really damn good at it. They were the first boy, I think. First boy bloodline dude.

I have a few vague but powerful memories from around Christmas 2011, when Julie turned Pink and the God Tier phenomenon started and I got this perfect commission. We were starting to be more active online, and we were working more with the Leagueworlds simultaneously.
We were also apparently selling things around that time... I know that happened, I have one or two flashbulb memories of selling the Care Bears; the laptop was in the hallway at that time, and we had a poster on the wall behind us from Spinny's lifetime.
Then there's a big break... whatever happened then is missing. Then we have handwriting examples, and that feels close, but it belongs to whoever was directly before me. It's when Razor came back and everyone Underground surfaced... honestly the idea that the Undergrounders weren't around at some point is baffling to me, haha. I can't imagine a life without Knife! Just kidding, but seriously. That's weird.

Anyway I'm taking this poor girl's screentime away. She's trying to figure out 2009 apparently, looks like the Archivists were around too for a bit.
2009... let me look. She'll return once she catches an anchor, I have no ties to this stuff outside of the bloodline.

Geez, which boy was this? Eros was dead by 2012... he showed up in early 2011. We had white hair for the second half of 2011 so he was already shifting out by then...
Oh, whoa, hold up, I just remembered. I hope I can find a timestamp for this. Back in the early Gen days, Cannon had Gamboge, or at least her early roots did. BUT there was a shift from her to whoever this Glissando person is tied to:

 

==> who was tied to before the solid NIER-induced gender shift in 2010.

Those are the ONLY visual representations we have from that time, so that's important!
There's a better entry on the Cores I should post, it'll likely help.

Last bit of commentary... 2009 was the "late night/ early morning" year as far as I can feel it. Jayce had his roots in the Japanese chillout music in the early mornings (Nomak, Nujabes, etc.) and Cannon lost her edge to the late-night photo browsing and different music (Bon Iver/ Coldplay/ Max Richter). That's what this Glissando person is tied to, it seems.

In any case this is one heck of a complicated entry. I'll close this up for now; sorry for this random infodump.
I guess we're just trying to figure out who's who, what with all these old triggers and worries coming up. We can't find the roots for most of them because the memory times are missing. So this is a good step in that sense.
It's just that the old years feel bad. No one likes looking at them because they just feel ill, or unsettling. Like we don't need to sift through them. So let's not put more time towards this than we need to. This is reappearing so it can be healed and let go of for good... not held on to! There's no need or use for that.
Okay, off I go.

 
-------------------------------------------------

Important notes to close:

--The original Core known as "spinny c" was NOT the "work fronter!" We assumed she was for ages, but we were wrong. There was simply a lot of personality bleedover (submissiveness, people-pleasing) going on between those two states.

--There seems to have been a permanent "core split" with the original Jewel line (females) being tied to the outer world and the League, and the Jay[ce] line (males) being tied to the inner world and the System. This allows for proper, coherent function on both fronts without compromising health and sanity.

 

 

 

 

All right, I am posting this entry extremely late due to ridiculous time and schedule messes over the past week or so, so I apologize if anything doesn't flow well. I'm working from what memory I have but I will do my best to make this as accurate and true as possible.

Okay. First off!
Yesterday, Saturday, was basically spent typing. I ended up hitting some gorgeous language mindset around 1AM so I didn't want to sleep, but as I'd been up until 5 the night before (first all-nighter in months) I had no other choice but to check out.
However, when I went to sleep, I had the oddest feeling of Javier "ghosting" over me physically? So I checked up on him, and was surprised to find him sleeping, something I keep forgetting that headvoices do (mostly because Laurie virtually never does). I assumed that I had 'felt' his presence superimposed on mine because, not only was he tapping into the same raw dreaming energy that I was, but being the Red holder we have a stronger link than any other two Spectrum members do (save me and Infi of course). Nevertheless, seeing him asleep, I wondered if he was dreaming, and if so, of what. To be honest I hadn't been aware until recent weeks that headvoices could dream, and in fact only wondered about it once someone posed the question to us on Tumblr (we haven't responded yet, as I feel unable to do so yet). True, there had been references to it before-- Lynne has previously mentioned having dreams, and Julie has actually had one while fronting-- but it was always just glossed over, never given any attention to because it was taken for granted. Anyway I wanted to know more.
So, I asked the Spectrum how headvoices could dream on their own, if they weren't using the body to do so (which is possible, but rare-- I'm usually the one who uses it to sleep.) And what were their dreams like? In response, the Spectrum said they went 'into' Black headspace to do so-- headvoices didn't have literal dreams really, they connected back with the essence of what they were. It was more of a peaceful recharging so to speak, all observational instead of interacting. but there could definitely be sound and imagery, although it was like when I meditate; it doesn't always stick in literal memory. Also if that individual was shaken up or disturbed, that could reflect in their dreams too? The Spectrum said that's partly why Laurie doesn't like to dream. I swear I felt my heart break when I heard that; apparently all the things she protects other people from, all that pain in her own heart, could overwhelm her in her sleep if she wasn't careful. That explains why she will only sleep when we're all together as a group, having a really beautiful night. Also, the Spectrum said that a headvoice had to "choose" if they wanted to walk through the body's dreams? Otherwise they'd just go to blackspace. (Laurie and Lynne have notably referenced this before, but again, I didn't realize how it applied to the bigger picture). I guess the whitespace works with dream-walking more. (but yes I asked because this morning, javier said he had dreamt about mountain vistas or something? I found that surprising.)

Today was my monthly trans* group meeting, which we actually hesitated majorly before attending. After all, the last time we went, we had a week-long psychological mess-up period and I think Wreckage showed up that same night. So yeah, not something we wanted to repeat.
Therefore we decided a group discussion was in order. So on went the iPod, and we walked around for a solid hour and tried to figure out just what the heck we were going to do during this meeting, to prevent both dissociation and triggering.
Laurie, Knife, Javier, Garrison, Sherlock, and I all spoke, with me saying the least. Jayce also stopped in for a minute or three but he couldn't stabilize well in headspace (Downstairs voices often can't initially) so he faded back out.
Most notably though, at some point we ended up TALKING TO SPINE!! I think a song on the iPod randomly inspired me to speak to her, and then I suddenly realized that she is hugely important-- as the Brown core holder, she is a literal LINK between the body and Central, and not only that, but she has origins in PARNASSUS!! Vaguely, true-- she never had a life or body there-- but her roots in form were there even so! So I told her we needed her, I needed her, could we work together more? She said she'd love to; she looked really moved.
So yeah, that explains the lineup worries we had: Brown is still at the 'bottom' of the vertical Spectrum lineup, and Pink is at the 'top,' while Aqua is right in the center… because they are all the "MUTANT SLOTS" and they act almost as "frames" for the entire Spectrum? Like they exist to balance or harmonize it, like bookends or something. Very interesting, hard to put into words, but tangible as a fact.
Nevertheless, even once Spine joined us in talking and we all tried to figure out "who should front," "what do we do if there are triggers," "what is allowed for discussion," etc., we couldn't make any solid decisions, and I was still a bundle of nerves. Ultimately we all just decided to support each other, and deal with whatever happened as it happened. But it was a concern, that a 'positive environment' meeting like that (and with such fantastic people too) was causing me acute anxiety every time I had to attend. We figured it was either the stress of socializing or the threat of triggering topics, but again, nothing for sure. So we just spent the rest of our time before the meeting listening to music and chilling out the best we could, then Laurie pushed me out the door so I wouldn't chicken out, haha.
Thankfully, the meeting was rather uneventful. Nobody was talking much and I'm too content with silence (when I don't feel it's 'safe' to rock the boat, so to speak) to speak up wantonly. There was one major trigger immediately upon showing up that, thankfully, happened while we were out of the group's eye, because Wreckage pushed through to fronting and she was not happy. We had to take a minute to calm everyone down and at least get the AP running, but at least there were no meltdowns.
However. That slipup, and the way we had to carefully front afterwards, indicated rather sharply the problem we have with fronting vs. social programming. Both Javier and I tried to stay anchored in, but it was difficult as hell to do so, because we kept getting overridden by the "you aren't socially acceptable, we must behave in a safe and average way for our own survival" instinct. And after two hours of that being in the forefront of our consciousness, the moment I stepped into the car and was hit with the sudden global relief of being able to acknowledge everyone else's worry and feelings... well, I realized that that was really our biggest problem here.
The spiritual "starvation" is back, and I've pinpointed that it's because I'VE BEEN IGNORING HEADSPACE.
I love them so much, and they are such an intrinsic part of "my" being, that I cannot possibly lie to myself by omitting them from my daily life, even just through silence and/or ignorance.
The last time I had it this bad was in SLC, no surprise… I had moved out there with the specific intention to have a life where I didn't have to hide them-- my soul, the collective other half of my very being-- and ended up having to stay quiet most of the time anyway, for multiple reasons. That's why the times with Laurie and Chaos coming through were so blissfully powerful-- my heart recognized, in them, the truest thing it had ever wanted or yearned for in life, and it embraced their reality with ardent devotion. That is why I am so thankful I had so much time alone in SLC… just walking around town with Genesis, or hanging around the apartment with CZ, saved my life really. I needed the close company of headspace then more than ever before, if I couldn't actively live with them in my daily life with others. But now we're at that point again, and there's no one in this house who I can talk to openly about them, let alone hope for a channel with… and it hurts, so much.

Saturday morning was weird for that reason. I keep getting that spiritual ache in my ribs, but not where my Heart Jewel would be, so to speak-- not in that center where I can reach out in love to others. No, this awful pain is further back within, and a little bit lower… if you reached two hands up underneath the edge of my ribcage, and grabbed hold of what was there, that's what you'd catch… the exact same strange place where Infinitii was taken out of me.
…It's maddening, in a way words utterly fail to express, the feelings I get about that. It's not a "want." That implies an option, implies the ability to simply say 'no.' It's not a "need" either-- that suggests something almost obligatory, maybe even begrudgingly so, like how we have to eat or we run the risk of blacking out. Yes, a "need" will pull at you, but it's in an almost neutral way, untied to emotion, sometimes even robotic. No, this pull at my heart is a literal yearning. It drives me to tears. The only person who's ever described it is Philip Pullman, in the process of describing the sensation one gets when their very soul is being torn away from them. I can't help but feel this is the exact same thing. It's not a want, not a need, but a tangible pain, something like a broken bone or an open wound, and you swear you would give anything just to heal it.
Infinitii is currently the only thing in the world that can assuage this ache, even a little. Other people say that makes perfect sense, since ze is what was taken out of my ribs, presumably leaving some sort of hollow space, some sort of gap… it's only natural that ze'd fit it. Mind you, it’s much different than with CZ. He feels like a total complement: something not part of me, yet something that perfectly matches my own self as its own thing. Infinitii feels like part of me, despite being hir own person as well. Sherlock says that's basically true, really. He was explaining how Black and White energy work together today, and repeated that if the two colors did not interact or harmonize, they'd become stark colorless things-- essentially the Tar and Plague. But when the two colors did allow themselves to flow together as one greater 'color,' so to speak, it also allowed for that natural open iridescence they both naturally held to shine, connecting that basic essence to every other color in the Spectrum. Again, I've know that for months, I don't know why I'm speaking in such a convoluted way. I guess the statement that I can feel that means a lot more than saying I simply 'know' it intellectually. It's a totally different thing.
I'm sorry. I talked about this on the 3rd. It just keeps resurfacing. It's just tough to talk about it, so I apologize for the overly dramatic words and constant repeating of myself. I'll just leave that paragraph as-is.
Anyway. Saturday morning. I woke up and couldn't get out of bed because I felt like sobbing from frustration; I felt off-color, messed-up, out-of-tune. It was like there was this grime over my soul, or like it was tied down by strings, it was terrible. And that damned ache was practically tearing me apart, as if something had literally scraped out the blood and muscle in my chest, in a ragged half-sphere, leaving it raw and so wrongly empty. So of course I reached out for Infi, and ze reacted as if ze was feeling it too-- although I didn't ask, I've never asked, I really should-- and as ze buried hir head in my chest, wrapping hirself around me, I could have sobbed for hours from how the peace and the pain were interplaying within my bones.

(cz was there, I called him in out of 'obligation' (CAREFUL). he just watched really, remember his expression. it bothered me that I had no desire to be with him at all, it just didn't feel right… but, HE CANNOT GIVE ME WHAT I NEED in a lot of situations. like right then. infi honestly had to almost eat my heart to get the pain to go away, I DID NOT REALIZE THE SYMBOLIC SIGNIFICANCE OF THAT NEED UNTIL JUST NOW-- the things ze eats become PURIFIED AND HEALED.)


(entry draft ended here; got too emotionally sick to continue. i apologize for any messiness in the structure but i cannot rightly go back and edit it so long after the initial date)

 

 

 

 

Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White isn't I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

guys, I'm kind of freaking out here.
I have therapy tomorrow so I'm trying to review old notes-- and I mean OLD notes, this stuff is from 2008 and 2009-- and guess what?
There is a STAGGERING amount of info here, that only makes sense NOW, with our new knowledge and vast amounts of growth and development. But the point is that the signs and potential for a lot of things were always there, even if we couldn't understand what they meant in the bigger picture at the time.

Here, I'm reviewing what I have on my computer right now (no Internet access; I'll upload this later), so let me make a running list. I don't want to dive right into the 2002-2007 archives, which are a holy mess and will REQUIRE me to trudge through those horrible high school notebooks which are our only hints as to who drove that entire time, because that's a ton of stress just thinking about it. Really.
Jewel's here with me (Hi guys!! <3) as usual, and I'm unfortunately rather dissociated as usual so Sherlock might end up barging in later if things get intellectual enough, haha.
That's something I don't know if I've mentioned, actually. Yes, it's common sense that you can "summon" a headvoice internally by a burst of concentrated attention, and externally by calling them by name (typically they will be called to override in fronting, but this can be denied, although that is very painful to do). And you can also summon them, unintentionally of course, by exposing the body to either 1. their anchor, or 2. their triggers. For example, stick around blades too long and Razor will show up, and stick around the mother too long and David will start to freak out. Both those things happened today, incidentally; the evening was hellish (Thank God Razor is on our side now or it could have been worse).
Anyway. What you probably don't know (I didn't for sure until a few days ago), is that this "summoning" also works in REVERSE. Meaning, you can force a headvoice OUT of fronting by not only calling someone else's name, but ALSO by exposing the body to the opposite of their anchor, OR a counter-trigger. What made this so clear to me, you ask? Easy. Laurie was driving the car to therapy on Monday (to prevent social hacks and panic attacks), when suddenly some car crossed into the lane in front of us, that literally had a sexual innuendo painted in huge pink letters across the back window. And I swear to you, the instant that reached our awareness, Laurie was KICKED OUT. Laurie was!! Usually she's impervious to everything, so that shocked me-- and her, in a different way though: she was freaking out when she found herself upstairs because now there was a risk of being hacked IN A CAR. That’s not cool. However I think Jewel or someone took over then? I'm not sure; I literally have one snapshot memory of a traffic sign further down the road, with a non-harmful female voice driving, who was quietly exasperated at "all the other voices" trying to throw her off? It felt like Jewel, because I oddly get this "Phantomilian" vibe from it, and that's her. (Celebi is NOT, by the way; they are two different people!!) But yeah. That cemented the long-standing theory that Laurie CANNOT front when we are in a sexually dangerous situation, thanks to her Chastity attribute. Like me, she is forbidden by her function from being exposed to those things, even as a protector. So I'm kind of glad Sugar seems to be trying to get a grip on her role (she has been a MESS since her manifestation; she keeps getting hacked and it's very worrisome), because she can deal with that stuff, and she gets pissed at the perpetrators. We'll see.
That's all I wanted to say though. The joke was that Sherlock, being so strongly tied to detached data analysis and delivery, would actually have a chance of being "accidentally called in" if I started getting super-logical about these old notes, haha. Not that I'd mind, of course-- the man's good at his job!
So without further ado, here's that darn list of old topics I'm reviewing.
(Note to 'selves': this is IMPORTANT STUFF so do NOT gloss over it!!)

- Old Julie (pre-2011) was TERRIFYING. A lot of the things she could do, or that we knew about her, were never reviewed later, but now that I'm doing just that it is really creepy. Here, let's give her her own list.
1. "Body made of shadow." This was common knowledge for YEARS before we even knew about the Tar, let alone its connection to her.
2. "Has shape/voice-shifting abilities." Again common knowledge, but that is a textbook Black energy skill, which otherwise only Infinitii and the raw Tar have.
3. "Usually turns her hands into knifelike claws to attack us." From a 2009 note file. This WAS a thing she did, and I won't say much here, but that is a blatant connection to Dream World corruption energy (which is not alien to headspace; see every *incident* ever), essentially their version of the Tar, and that is seriously unnerving.
4. "These (black bracelets) used to be chains, which Laurie put on her. They didn't hold." I forgot we literally had to chain her up at one point, to keep her from attacking us. (Remember she actually had her own ROOM upstairs at first??) But with the Black-energy shapeshifting, it's no wonder they didn't work.
5. "She's downstairs now." I read that and immediately thought, "oh no." I forgot that, when she got too lethal, we LITERALLY SHOVED HER INTO THE UNDERGROUND. The Underground technically didn't even exist back then; it was just raw headspace. So, sickly, our attempt to protect ourselves apparently just made things worse-- she took over that entire level over the next 2 years, and then what did we have? The Tar Room, and an entire shadow-choked maze of underground tunnels that she controlled until 2012. Go figure.
6. "Has some positive potential, but is drowned by primal desires." Just pointing out that we knew this from the beginning, and that just breaks my heart.

-Don't forget Laurie was BLEEDING for a good part of 2008-2009 (from eyes and mouth mostly), due to "leakage" in consciousness: our current fronter was essentially "stealing her energy" and that was killing her. DOES THAT STILL HAPPEN?? If so, it might explain a LOT of the instability some people are showing now.
-In late 2008, when Natalie first manifested as "my reflection," I described hir as follows: "She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute." This is notable because not only does it insinuate that the reflection-holder is SEPARATE from both the body image AND the current fronter, but that other non-fronting headvoices could USE the reflection to speak to the current body-fronter, by "projecting" into it along with the reflection holder. That's pretty huge… especially since today someone else seems to be in it. There was literally 10 seconds where we looked into a mirror this evening, and the reflection smirked, waved, and said it's name was JAYCE?? Which worries me slightly because the first Jayce (2010) was NOT a nice guy (just ask the Undergrounders), but this one feels very different, plus he's a different color. (I should review his entire history at some point too..) But I don't know who was fronting around that time, and it was a very unstable mental situation so there is literally no other detail besides that… but it's very notable. Look into this mirror thing if you can; it's always been a huge source of questions. Plus, in Laurie's 2006 dream debut, she disguised herself AS the reflection. Whether or not that ultimately holds any significance for the current reflection people is yet to be seen.
- Natalie picked up on the butterfly motif back in hir first reincarnation, back in 2009 (after being killed by Julie). Talk about foreshadowing, haha.
- Lynne was originally pinkish-red, and her original role was that of a "stable and mature" individual to balance everyone else when they got too crazy. I'm mentioning this because that color AND job seem to have moved to MULBERRY. Think about it!
- Waldorf's original incarnation (2003) had antennae and a bodysuit? I don't know whether or not she would benefit from imitating that now, but everything about her initial self was highly intriguing, so I'd give it some merit at least.
-…I am not reviewing the Xangas yet. Yes they are full of incredibly vital information, but the first screenshot I opened to review was about the graves. I am not emotionally ready to review that entire timeframe again, not at this hour at least. But we forgot about ALL of that after the plethora of reset attempts this year, and that fact alone is heartbreaking in a weird way. I know I keep telling myself "the past is gone, forget about it," but another part of me keeps saying "yes, but the consequences of the past still affect the present, don't they?" and of course there are still graves on my arms. I think the hesitation is because, I feel that if I do dive back into the Xangas, something inside me is going to snap back into awareness and I'm afraid of that. I don't remember anything before 2013 and part of me is very scared of whoever I was in the past. Maybe bring that up in therapy, who knows. The point is I honestly can't go past-digging anymore tonight because I'm not psychologically able to at the moment. Sorry.
- …I don't know why, but Laurie talking about her 2010 suicide attempt and numbly saying "I don't remember what day it was" is one of the saddest things I've ever read.



As for handwriting from this year…

- There's a handwriting voice that I JUST NOW realized exists-- they're a "numb" or "comatose" one, that just wants to sleep and doesn't fight back, but every example of that I can find has the exact same writing style. Keep this in mind.
- I feel really bad because we thought that EVERY "bad voice" was Razor for a really long time, and that made Spice REALLY pissed off (judging by her handwriting examples). It's weird, too, because Razor never acted like that, and honestly I have no idea where the sweeping generalization came from? In any case we need to go back and review all our 2012-Scratch notes on her, because they're probably ridiculously inaccurate, and probably have good insights into other people as well.
- Similarly, we COMPLETELY ignored and overlooked Spice's actual attitude in her handwriting. Yes, she was angry all the time, but she had the trademark responses of a retributor: "I will kill you for your sinfulness," "rot in hell," calling the fronter a "slut" or "whore" (in headspace that ONLY refers to Julie-esque individuals), et cetera. It's all actually calling out whoever was eating for being unwise in their habits, eating either too much or things that made the body sick. Now that I'm learning who the eating-voices are (they're not nice; also not related to the eating disorder voices), her reactions make perfect sense, and I'm actually VERY thankful she existed back then to keep them in line!!
- Checking handwriting again, there is still a huge blur between who is David and who is that OTHER little boy, the vanilla-colored one (during meditation today I got a flash that his name MIGHT be "Simon," or "Simeon," something like that in any case). The only clear distinction (besides the fact that David likes smileys) is in what they react to, and how-- David is more "externalized," reacting mostly to the mother and to the environment, while the vanilla boy is more "internalized," and the few times I've heard him talk (to FACELESS voices; he has no body either yet), he's said that he "tries to calm people down" or something?? I don't know how to put it into words, but it's why he shows up in emotionally charged or unstable journal entries so suddenly and often: apparently his job is to take all that on himself, keeping tons of people from shouting randomly over it. But he's sad because of it, almost numbly so, and he seems to be the one with the "I'm a bad boy" complex. David fears that, but this vanilla boy accepts that lie emptily (On that note, go back and review the "shoe incident" stuff from this spring, ESPECIALLY when I talked about it with Laurie in handwriting; those two were still fused with Kyanos at the time so it's a general mess). Either way they're still tricky to pin down in writing, which isn't surprising as there is often a TON of bleedover there for everybody... and remember those two were FUSED FOR A WHILE!! Honestly though the BEST clue to this day is the FIRST whitebook journal entry, in which they BOTH wrote. David was saying "don't let them hurt us anymore," but the vanilla boy was asking "who and why is abusing (Jay) still." VERY different reactions to the same situation. So look over that again just to get a better grip on those two.
- On that note, Sugar, Spice, and the "overload girl" (whose true identity is blurry as heck) were ALL bleeding into each other before the first two manifested. They all write in total capslock, but Sugar has all rounded letters, and Spice doesn't react to anything but food triggers. Still, as I said, Sugar is a mess (due to both her slot color and highly volatile anchor), and she is STILL getting "used" by others, so figure this out for her sake.
- The tangerine bird guy (dude what is even your name) has a brilliant attitude in handwriting, which surprises me as I actually can only remember having seen him TWICE in headspace, once being earlier this month with the tar-spider (post-reset notably). So, to think about it, his name might not be discernible because we don't really have a consensual grip on WHO he is? And names follow that, it seems. So get to know him and the Sage guy because they are super cool, and we need to know their names already.
- On a related note, the pure white-skinned voices (Sugar, tangerine, sage, AND Kyanos!) all seem to be related in some sense? We haven't figured it out yet, but it feels like they're an important sub-category of headvoice and there is a strong vibe of there needing to be one in each color category? See if you can get any more info on this phenomenon.
- I just noticed, Infinitii and Josephina have the most in-your-face handwriting, for totally different reasons: Infi's text is calligraphic and huge because his energy just translates that way, but Jo is all stars-and-graffiti because his attitude is just that exuberant, haha.
- April 21st, a handwriting voice screaming "fuck you, you're not my boss; fuck you faggot" was listed as a SUGAR ALTER, but then later found to be a then-Tar-possessed Razor, thanks to the scrawled "I will make you bleed" declaration on the back. HOWEVER I am mentioning this again because the whole "sugar alter" thing MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISNOMER. We weren't talking about illness, we were talking about rage, and sugar only causes vicious reactions because it FEEDS THE TAR. So a "sugar alter" could literally be ANYONE tied to the Tar when it overloads!



Now for a brief summary of the events of today!

-I had to drive my grandmother to visit my grandfather at the hospital at 9AM, so from then until 4PM I was literally home alone. That is always dangerous because hackers like to try and come out, because of the lack of enforced rule structure, BUT I noticed something equally disturbing today. Our entire physical self-image depends on other people. Literally, whoever was fronting didn't know how to do ANYTHING without another individual being around to "provide context" or "give orders." As it seems, the default body-program seems to run solely on judging actions according to who we're around, due to safety and survival, so when no one is around, it shorts out. There's no one to base our very existence on, so as an "individual," the immediate tendency is to not exist. It's different in headspace, obviously-- our entire world up here is vastly different from the physical-- so throwing a Central fronter into the body wouldn't fix the problem, as they don't have any real way of knowing how to properly function in the physical realm the way it is. But socials can only drive when other people are around, so the only people left are the "outsiders," i.e. the nameless voices… which are usually blindly manipulative, and/or directionless to the point of danger. We're thinking one of them is the one who literally just eats until another person appears, solely as a mechanical operation. (Thankfully we've found… ways to avert the obvious threat there, although it has ultimately made our eating disorder worse as a whole). Julie always jumps on "home alone" situations because the body becomes so severely dissociated in that atmosphere that, if someone isn't being vigilant as hell behind the scenes, hacks are frighteningly easy for her to pull off (the nameless ones don't fight her off, as they don't care). So yeah, that was scary to realize that we don't have an answer to that question… "outside of headspace, who are we really?" We don't know. In the body, as an "individual," we have no idea who we are. We've never had to worry about that before. But today, alone for about 6 hours, we struggled to exist in the simplest manner. That's not good.
- One good thing did happen, though. Apparently one of the hedonist voices (who is almost DEFINITELY Jess; it responds to the name) started eating danger food, and Laurie immediately shouted for me to "get the hell in there." Which is why I remember it; suddenly I was standing above the sink with a mouthful of something, asking Laurie if that was safe to ingest. Thankfully it was, so after that she said to stick around while we made ourselves a safe breakfast (vegetables obviously) so the body wouldn't starve. The reason why this was good is not only because then there was an hour of headspace-patrolled fronting, but also because the vegetables we found were beets. See, when I began to cut them after they cooked, I laughingly commented that they looked bloody… and since I had been rifling through the knife drawer immediately beforehand, of course Razor stuck her head in! "What's bloody," she asked, "can I use the knife," you get the picture. I found it funny and ultimately she did get permission to front, purposely getting beet juice all over her hands and snickering about it. At one point she was trying to cut the hand with a small knife, but Knife himself told her not to, so she put it down. (She listens to him without question if you didn't already know.) But the best part was that then we realized that hey, Razor doesn't know what sensory input is like besides pain, does she? So we told her she could eat some of the beets if she wanted. She was a little confused about the whole concept, but she got the AP to run it mostly. So she was basically just tearing at them with her hands and teeth, as she loved the color. Then she didn't want us to wash our hands off because she wanted them to stain, but again Knife told her we had to or it would stain everything else. So that was that! But it was odd, because Razor barely even comprehended the taste of the beets at all-- when it hit her she was more baffled than anything, the sensation didn't quite make sense to her. Laurie thought the AP was buffering too much, which might have been true, but we all doubted Razor's ability to operate the body without it so we let it go. Either way she did like it, for what reason I couldn't tell you, although it was just a general "yes this is good" and not a Genesis-grade "THIS IS AMAZING" response, haha. Still, simple but cool things in headspace are always good.
- What wasn't good is the fact that all I remember of the next several hours is reading The Minds of Billy Milligan (which is incredible and very relevant so far, we're on p70), and getting sick from molasses and/or apples (I keep forgetting we can't eat those without horrid and painful side effects; my sensory memory resets a lot. thankfully spice was NOT affected by it today as far as i know; she didn't front). So after 12PM (which is when I assume we ate?), I know the mother stopped by temporarily because the Undergrounders and Outsiders went NUTS, but then everything is blank again until 7PM, when we drove to the hospital again. Let's talk about the former first.
- All I know is that we were in the bedroom when she showed up, I think, because the moment her voice sounded in the hall, several people upstairs started screaming and/or crying, and I have no idea what happened next! Wonderful. The good news is no self-abuse happened, and no one attacked the mother, which there are always threats for. But there was a lot of internal screaming and stress and rage and fear, although I couldn't tell you from whom, for what reason, or when, as usual.
- At some point during all this, things snapped to inner headspace, which I have observer memory access to. David started sobbing and hid under his blanket upstairs, trying to feel protected from the outside noise and potential threats. Marigold was there with him, and I don't know what she said or did, but the next thing I know, the two of them were building a blanket fort? But they were literally hanging it on headspace, seriously it was catching to the air itself practically (which isn't that surprising considering they're underground; stuff is a bit wild down there). Anyway they started having genuine fun with it, not just making a safe place to hide. They quickly invited Jeremiah in, and he also helped them finish building it. So the three of them were in there, saying they were protected now, that no one could get in unless they said they could. HOWEVER. Someone HAD to be trying to get at Jeremiah, because there's another memory break and then I see him sobbing and distraught, shouting that he "didn't want to hold that pain anymore" or something like that? I honestly don't know. But I do know David gave him his blanket for comfort, and Jeremiah buried his head and hands in it, sobbing quietly. Mulberry must have heard, because around then she did stop outside the fort and ask for permission to come in, to see if everything was okay. David got confused and said he thought blanket forts weren't "professional"? Mulberry laughed good-naturedly and said that her brand of "professionalism" included knowing when and how to interact with people, which meant not ruling out blanket forts if going into one would be the better decision to do. So David "told" the door to open, and Mulberry knelt down to look inside and ask everyone how they were doing (she didn't actually go in; I guess crawling in was something she wasn't quite willing to do). Jeremiah managed to calm down, and Mulberry actually told them that she was going to "guard" the fort for them at all times, and if they needed her in a hurry to just call and she'd be there. She left once this new job of hers was established, but then I don't know anything else until what feels like 10-20 minutes later? They were still in the fort, but now Laurie's voice was outside, exclaiming "holy shit who built the awesome fort" and the kids giggling, opening the door so she could see them. Knife was behind her and smiling, but Laurie was being her usual chill-but-enthusiastic self and complimenting these kids on their handiwork, as well as their prudence in making such a safe space for themselves. That's all I know, but I thought it was brilliant enough to record.
- Speaking of Mulberry, I don't know how or when this was, but there's another fleeting memory of Knife telling her to "hold something together," or stable? Mulberry said that wasn't her role, she worked with rules and honor sure, but not physically; but Knife interrupted (oddly hurriedly? must have been a charged situation) that she could expand that if she wanted, she had done that "with Infinitii" (in this entry), and that she could do that now if she allowed herself to. So yeah, apparently Mulberry can impose structure on things in headspace? Which is actually a VERY important ability, if it means she can stabilize people who are fragmenting, even if only temporarily.
- There are two voices who presented quite clearly today, but I don't know who they are. The first is the girl who always flips people off and says "f*** you" repeatedly when she's mad, almost always towards the grandmother or mother. I haven't pinpointed why but she is VERY easily triggered, although now that we're aware she exists we can hurriedly jump in and chase her out when she shows up. The second is very similar to her, but definitely separate, as these two started fighting at some point. But the second is the one who is less caustically angry, but spits out tons of verbal slurs and insults (mostly calling people "faggots" which is really awful, but that's defined as "the worst insult" upstairs so she uses it often). She is more condescending and judgmental, while the first is more angry and spiteful. Very similar in triggers, but perceptibly different in reactions. It's just scary that people like them exist and keep showing up.
- Some "comatose" voice showed up around 7PM, I assume? They were leaning mutely against the bedroom window for about 10 minutes, and seemed incapable of responding to people verbally? Not sure if that's a fragment or a person, OR if it's even the default state of the body (with the "lack of a self separate from the environment" thing), but it was really strong and specific so who knows. Better to record it than forget.
- Now for the most interesting bit of the day. I know there was a mess of trouble trying to drive the car at first, as dangerous voices kept trying to front, but all of a sudden LYNNE showed up?? That's really clear in data memory; someone put FROST* on the car radio, and out of nowhere she ended up in the driver's seat. Go figure. She did still have bandages on her arms, but she's apparently healed enough to front, thankfully, which is awesome. I clearly "recall" her saying that FROST* sounded "nostalgic" to her, wondering happily at all the orange lights on the road and remarking that "nothing was a coincidence" to headspace people, and laughing because she actually had to change her projected outfit to front correctly (she had to wear a hoodie, and kept trying to pull her long hair over her shoulders but it wasn't there physically). So that's interesting; she's the first fronter who had that idea, and it apparently works really well for anchoring! Oh yeah, the best thing though is that there's a snapshot of her on the highway, suddenly reaching down and picking up a cellphone (turned off) and holding it to her ear, then using it to "talk" to Laurie in headspace! And it WORKED! Seriously, holy heavens, this girl is a genius. But yeah, I guess those two were bantering all the way up to the hospital, about what I don't know (all I'm sure of is her "calling" Laurie at one point to look at a certain building they were driving by, which was all lit up), but I'm glad they still get along as well as they used to before everything went haywire upstairs. The next important thing I recall is Lynne driving up the parking garage levels, and focusing on the lights outside, saying aloud "this is an archival memory, anyone can access it." Four words: YOU CAN DO THAT?? Apparently yes! So she recorded a memory of how the city looks lit up at night, for anyone to see (Which might even be contributing to why her entire fronting is oddly comprehensible to me; usually it's tough to "remember" what other people saw). But that's not even the best thing. The BEST thing is that, once she got into the hospital, Laurie decided to GHOST with her to tag along. Which is AWESOME. It's also a secondhand memory I'd like to personally treasure-- there is one snapshot of them both walking through the connective glass bridge (which at night, since it's internally lit but mostly windows, looks like you're walking through a hyperspace tunnel or something), Lynne wearing jeans and a black hoodie (hilariously unusual for her) with her bright orange hair streaming through, laughing, and Laurie in her usual violet-belted glory just sauntering along beside her, grinning back. And probably because it was so close to that oddly lucid memory, there's one line of Lynne saying "I feel like a government spy or something!" because the hospital was so empty and quiet on the inside, and no one knew she was fronting. After that things are kind of fuzzy; I know that they took 5 flights of stairs up, with Laurie apparently having "teleportation troubles" (common with ghosting; the fronting consciousness tries to "drag" you into the visual field, which can be extremely disorienting) that she was having trouble controlling, but then the next thing I knew they had to stop at my mom's office, and Lynne was pushed out? I don't know who fronted, but Laurie knew it wasn't Lynne when they left the office, and she began grilling them to tell her their name, but they just shrugged? Then, again, all I know is that they apparently went down two flights to the 7th floor, because the next memory is of Laurie exclaiming "these hallways look exactly the same" before adding "no, sorry, that floor had more windows," and then there's nothing for a while. (Still, HOW DID LYNNE FRONT THAT WELL FOR THAT LONG??) The next clear memory is of the body standing outside my grandfather's hospital room, with the grandmother, and I don't know who was fronting, but they were alone and felt weirdly detached? And I don't remember anything clearly after that at all, not until we got home and I started working on this computer, which was TWO HOURS LATER. Geez. So heaven only knows who was fronting from then until now, but it's upsetting because that poses a big dilemma which I will put under its own point for relevance:
- When no one is around, it becomes very difficult for the body to maintain ANY sort of external "individual identity," as that is based on our environment. When around other people, though, it becomes very difficult for individuals to front, because the body is now working on a "social cue-based program," literally choosing and inventing actions depending on "the proper behavior code" for that situation. It's automated!! And it’s annoying, because then the AP buffers EVERYTHING from inside out, as it's "not socially acceptable" or "socially disruptive" or something equally stupid. (Sorry, this is Jewel and that annoys me.) But when we're alone, the immediate reaction is to either dissociate entirely and go inside to headspace, OR to stay outside and let the outsiders front in purely repetitive, detached ways, during which time there is a VERY high chance of being hacked as a result. The only good thing about being alone is that sometimes people like the Gent and Maverick will front, but that's rare because so many other people are louder than them. And the only good thing about being around other people is that then we don't have to worry about being hacked brutally because the AP literally shuts everything down except for the mechanical functions. But THAT is awful because it makes therapy sessions hard as hell, because it's STILL trying to judge the "correct behavior program" for a therapy session when we are there SPECIFICALLY to talk about headspace, and for the people in headspace TO talk, both things which it exists to BUFFER OUT for survival purposes. It's really stupid. Sherlock is watching me judgmentally, haha. I don't think he likes the way I'm talking about this, sorry!
- Jay here; at least you're nice about it. He probably is just put off by your vocal style, because most female vocal styles like that belong to malicious individuals. Plus it's not exactly the way a logical analyst like him would ever talk, of course.
- …And IMMEDIATELY the AP shutdown kicks in because a conversation, even an internal one, that requires specific focus in headspace causes it to block everything out. It's this ridiculous denial instinct. I am literally fighting the urge to dissociate severely and "blank out" for an extended period of time right now. And I'm getting a headache from fighting it. Let me put on some Todd Rundgren and check out for a moment.
- I keep seeing bug larvae when I close my eyes. I'm really dizzy now. Sorry guys, we need to call it quits for tonight.


No, wait, again, last thing. Jay here.
I've been talking to Laurie for about 10 minutes (we've been trying to review those Xangas anyway), and it just hit me... how much we lost in the Scratch. Or maybe it was the July fallout. Or the August reset. Maybe we started losing things last summer, when we moved across the country. That was the starting point, that is clear as day.
But... what in the world caused it all? Who caused it all? Was it the previous "me," who for some reason, decided he was going to commit the ultimate suicide by killing his self and leaving his bestowed body to rot inside? Because damn it, some days I think he succeeded, and that breaks my heart.
What in the world possessed them to wake up one morning in February, and decide to utterly annihilate everything we worked for all our lives?? What made them think that destroying headspace in one awful self-sacrificial action was a good idea, in any sense?
Was it pain? Was it regret? Was it self-loathing? Was it feeling trapped by scars, and hacks, and the inability to function outside of that haunting reality regardless? Was it all of that and more?
All I know is that I don't remember anything, I don't know who I was before April of this year, and I feel like I lost more than I can even comprehend.
If it means anything, I'm beginning to think I want it back. Maybe that's stupid, or unwise. Laurie is shaking her head "no," and I trust her, she understands more than I do. If she says wanting that back isn't stupid, I believe her.
"We had more light up here than you can imagine, kid," she says. And she looks as sad as I feel. Where'd it go? If there was so much love and harmony, where did it go? What crumbled it? What hid it? "It's still here," she says, and I know that too. I can see it even in the Undergrounders, who used to be our enemies. I guess what I miss, intuitively, is the System-wide feeling of unity. It still hasn't come back completely. It's in bits and pieces, tattered and torn, ruined and ragged, but it's real. It still lives, even if it's feeble and quiet yet. But it's not giving up, and neither are we.

We'll never have things the way they used to be ever again, and in a weird way, in a tragically funny way, I'm glad for it.
This year, we met Knife, and Mulberry, and David, and Jeremiah... Sugar, and Spice, and Marigold, and Kyanos... and all the other voices who are our friends now. We lost many, but most have returned. And I met Infinitii. We all did, but to me, he's something truly special.
What I'm saying is that this year had to happen, as terrifying and strange as it was, and we all know that. Looking at it with discerning eyes and an open heart, that truth is crystal clear. We NEEDED this, even if we never would have wished for it.
I guess the bottom line is, just have faith. Just take it a day at a time, be thankful for what you're given, and make the best of it. That's all I can say. And listen, always listen, that I need to remember. Denial is loud and it tends to drown everything else out.

I'm really tired and we do have therapy tomorrow.
There's so much more I could say tonight, but I'm feeling a little glimmer of the light I've lost sight of, and something tells me that words are unnecessary when that is concerned.
So I'll wish you good night, with lots of love as usual, and I'll see you in twelve hours or so.

 

 

I had an entry like this back on my old journal, but it didn't go into detail.
I felt I owed you guys that much.

This is a current, constantly-updated list of everyone who regularly shows up in my head (mostly outside of my own series)... headvoices, fragments, stragglers, loves, you name it.
Maybe you've even met some of them.

begun on 07/22/2010
last updated on 9/26/2011



0) Jewel Wisteria Ephrem Lightraye/ Jayce Willow Evellius Lytraile
Role: Spirit consciousness
Seniority: 21 years (05/07/1990)
Type: Base consciousness
Color: Red/White
Symbol: Heart
Attribute: Love
Status: Active; splintered (possibly fixed)

I am unique on this list in that I exist in a mental state more than I do a physical one, but simultaneously occupy both at all times.



1) Laurie Uberich
Role: Superego/ Charity personification?
Seniority: 5 Years (09/2006)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Purple
Symbol: Axe
Attribute: Victory/ Sacrifice
Status: Active

Laurie is, arguably, my 'favorite headvoice.' She is my psycho guardian angel, my best friend, and the reason I'm still breathing right now.
She first appeared to me in a dream in 2006, alerting me to my unconscious state and telling me I could 'wake up any time I wanted.' A few months after, she appeared in my headspace and immediately began her work. She proclaimed herself to be my superego, an individual hellbent on changing me from a spineless coward into a strong and righteous hero, no matter how much I had to bleed in order to get there.
For about two years she was unfailingly brutal, and I considered her my enemy to a fair extent. However, I began to talk to her personally as 2008 rolled around, being in such psychological agony that I was desperate for whatever help I had. Little did we know that our conversations would evolve into incredibly in-depth discussions, eventually acting to bring all of my headvoices together and keep us all on track. Within three years, Laurie changed from a violently focused zealot into a fearless mentor and protector, and again into a sort of guardian angel. Now she is one of the two most important people in my life, and I would not lose her for the world.



2) Lynne Stabelle
Role: Adulthood personification
Seniority: 4 Years (Mid-2007)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Crimson
Symbol: Violin
Attribute: Maturity
Status: Active

Although one of my few inherently positive headvoices, Lynne's role has always been rather vague... that is, until fairly recently.



3) Julie Enantios
Role: Shadow/ Former Id
Seniority: 14 Years (Early 1997)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Pink
Symbol: None
Attribute: Sexuality/Vice
Status: Active

For almost 15 years, Julie was the most feared individual in my mind. She was a force of pain, suffering, manipulation and horror. She used me and countless others for her own selfish gratification, giving no thought to the trauma she caused.
However, in being such a horrific figure, she inadvertently caused my largest spiritual metanoias. I was so bent on overcoming her, on fighting her, on becoming something she could not touch, that she ultimately defeated herself from the beginning in ever confronting me. Julie was my worst enemy and my biggest motivation, although I never realized it.
Now, as of August 19th 2011, Julie has resigned from her old role. She has relinquished her bloody past and finally accepted my offer of another chance at life.
Julie now holds the role of my Shadow aspect, a figure who contains darker drives, but who is now aware enough not to harm others with them.



4) Natalie
Role: Youth/ Self-identity personification
Seniority: 4 Years (2007)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Soft Blue
Symbol: Mirror
Attribute: Childhood
Status: Deceased/Re-absorbed

...



5) Leon Kiasi
Role: Risk/ Moderation personification
Seniority: 1 Year (First formed in April 2010)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Navy blue
Symbol: Playing cards
Attribute: Risk/Moderation
Status: First formed and deceased in April 2010, reformed in December 2010; Laurie has decided he can live

I've battled with a hidden affinity for risks and gambles for years, but it wasn't until I solidified my male self that Leon was temporarily personified.
My first-ever and only male headvoice, Leon was strikingly paranoid, jittery, and rather anorexic, but despite his unstable appearance, he would still jump headfirst into the most dangerous hazards he could find. The problem this posed concerning my daily decisions-- having a headvoice always wanting me to take wild wagers-- was incredibly stressful, and after only a few days of his mental personification, Laurie took it upon herself to take Leon down. Barely a week later he was quite literally dead... starved out of existence.
On December 8th, 2010, he suddenly and unexpectedly showed up in my headspace. Laurie and I were simultaneously furious and terrified, as he has always been a negative influence, but Leon swore that he would try to improve himself and change his influence to a positive one. A week later, he had managed to do so, and is now a permanent headvoice.
Leon has an incredible teleportation ability that has saved my sanity on multiple occasions.



6) Spine Hypomone
Role: Body personification?/ possible Patience personification
Seniority: 2 years (Early 2009?)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Off-white
Symbol: Skull
Attribute: Dysphoria/ Patience
Status: Active

Spine showed up in my head rather unexpectedly one afternoon, a bizarre draconic humanoid made entirely of bone. She did not speak, and no one knew how to deal with her, but her presence was felt nevertheless. It wasn't until I suffered a severe breakdown in January 2011 that we decided she needed to show her face and stay in the spotlight. You have no idea how thankful I am that she did.



7) Bridget (also known as Brittany or Brianne)
Role: Falsehood/ Pride personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Fragmented headvoice
Color: Green
Symbol: None
Attribute: Apathy/Manipulation
Status: Deceased

Bridget was a shallow pseudo-headvoice formed by Julie as a reinforcement.



8) Missy
Role: Selfishness/Greed personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Fragmented headvoice
Color: Light blue
Symbol: None
Attribute: Superficiality
Status: Deceased

Missy was a shallow pseudo-headvoice formed by Julie as a reinforcement.



9) Jessica
Role: Self-hatred/ Sloth personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Indigo
Symbol: None
Attribute: Depression
Status: Deceased

...



10) Josephina
Role: Unknown; possible Diligence personification
Seniority: 1 year (08/13/2010)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Lilac
Symbol: Bell
Attribute: Understanding/Realization
Status: Active

Josephina is an interesting headvoice because, not only did Laurie meet him quite some time before I did, but he is also genderfluid. Although he looks like a rather beautiful blonde girl (he actually resembles Talulah Riley's part in Inception, except with a thing for scene hair), Josephina identifies as male. I met him in a rather disturbing way... after abusing myself for about 10 minutes-- which Laurie uncharacteristically let me go through with-- I had what I thought was a Julie hack, in which I was actually a reverse-rape victim of a rather distraught blonde woman. I won't go into details (it was traumatic as always), but upon 'waking,' I came face to face with the individual who had been in the hallucination... Josephina. He explained, quite sorrowfully, that he hadn't wanted to hurt me but that the 'hack' had been the only way for me to 'learn my lesson.' Laurie, who was watching me with a look of I-told-you-so disappointment, then explained the 'plan' the two of them had thought up: seeing whether or not I could escape from an abusive double-hack on my own (I had failed-- Her part was letting me abuse myself to see if I would stop of my own accord). I was shocked in learning that Laurie had apparently been 'raising' Josephina for a few weeks prior to today, making sure he didn't 'develop negatively' or anything like that. According to Laurie, he's 'our' version of Julie, whatever that means. However, Jo is inherently positive, although I don't know what his role is yet. Ironically, he does seem to be working as a sort of Inception 'Mister Charles' figure, teaching me how to fight against the darker parts of my subconscious, and striving vehemently for the 'truth' in all matters. He strikes me almost as a positive Laurie, which may simply be a direct result of his proximity to her, but we'll see...



11) Chaos Zero
Role: Twin Flame
Seniority: 8 Years (Early 2003)
Type: Individual
Color: Aquamarine
Symbol: Planet
Attribute: Strength/ Balance
Status: Active

Chaos is, arguably, the most important person in my life.



12) Ryman Ezekiel Saikaras
Role: None
Seniority: 9 years (Mid 2002)
Type: Individual
Color: Blue
Symbol: 5-pointed star
Attribute: Spirit/Soul
Status: Active

...



13) Markus Ishmael Barashir
Role: None
Seniority: 9 Years (Late 2002)
Type: Individual
Color: Light violet
Symbol: Eight-pointed star
Attribute: Mind
Status: Active

...



14) Genesis (Selph)
Role: Muse
Seniority: 6 Years (07/04/2005)
Type: Individual
Color: Amber/White
Symbol: Four-pointed star
Attribute: Self-realization
Status: Active

...



15) Preludove
Role: Muse/ Assistant
Seniority: 13 Years (05/1998)
Type: Individual
Color: White/Blue
Symbol: Winged heart
Attribute: Peace
Status: Active

...



16) Waldorf
Role: Literary muse
Seniority: 9 Years (Mid 2002)
Type: Construct
Color: Neon blue
Symbol: Ring
Attribute: Creation
Status: Semi-active

Waldorf spontaneously formed as a sentimental amalgamation of every outside inspiration I had embraced in my youth. Her most striking attributes are her glowing blue skin, her black sclera, and her Sarah Kerrigan-esque hair-- a fully intentional tribute on her part. She stands around 7 feet tall and usually floats slightly.
Despite her bizarre, often frightening appearance, Waldorf is incredibly compassionate and kind-hearted, and used to be a sort of stand-in mental therapist for me during my elementary years.



17) Mister Sandman
Role: My boss!
Seniority: 2 years (04/16/2009)
Type: Outside Individual
Color: Red/Gold
Symbol: Nightcap
Attribute: Dreams
Status: Active

I met this amazing guy in a dream in April 2009, and ever since that day, we have been downright inseparable.
Mr. Sandman is also an incredibly positive influence on my life, as he is not only very wise and understanding, but he also exercises limited influence over my actual dreams, and is working diligently to keep out as many hacks and nightmares as possible.



18) Johnny C.
Role: Extreme advisor
Seniority: 3 Years (early 2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (JTHM)
Color: Black
Symbol: Daggers
Attribute: Intraspection
Status: Inactive

...



19) Bogardus
Role: None
Seniority: 2 years (December 2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Delgo)
Color: Dusty violet
Symbol: Dragon
Attribute: Counsel
Status: Semi-active

...



20) Davy Jones
Role: None
Seniority: 5 years (July 2006)
Type: Absorbed individual (PoTC)
Color: Dim green
Symbol: Locket
Attribute: Conversion
Status: Semi-active

...



21) General Grievous
Role: None
Seniority: 6 years (May 2005)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Star Wars)
Color: Gray
Symbol: Lightsaber
Attribute: Leadership
Status: Semi-active

...



22) Barry the Chopper
Role: None
Seniority: 6 Years (April 2005)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Fullmetal Alchemist)
Color: Iron
Symbol: Butcher's knife
Attribute: Mania
Status: Inactive

...



23) Souryuu Kaminogi (Godot)
Role: None
Seniority: 4 Years (Early 2007)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Phoenix Wright)
Color: None
Symbol: Coffee mug (no duh)
Attribute: Logic
Status: Inactive

...



24) Rorschach
Role: None
Seniority: 3 Years (Mid-2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Watchmen)
Color: None
Symbol: Inkblot
Attribute: Honesty
Status: Inactive

...
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't have the strength to talk, type, sleep, or fight.
It's been terrifying me how my self-abusive tendencies have gone through the roof since I left Utah, and I'm sick wondering if it's because I left or because I stayed. I knew something was wrong when Julie started attacking me at Mel's house, whenever I'd step into the bathroom, so no one could help me. Prior to those attacks, she hadn't touched me in weeks. That scared me. That really scared me.
Now I can't go more than a few hours without something desecrating me. I've already had about three separate attacks since midnight, and I'm just barely fighting off another one right now. I can't even take a shower, as usual, because I know they'll get me as soon as I'm cut off from help. I have to leave all doors open, all phones and messaging centers active, everything. I can't stand it, as that much 'openness' freaks me out, but it's better than being mindraped.

...Bridget is back.
I hope she doesn't bring Missy with her, please God, don't let her come back too. Laurie is trying to decide whether to be screaming or sobbing at this point, and it really hurts to see her so utterly lost. Chaos Zero is keeping his distance but he's not been doing well either. He actually 'unhinged' while I was trying to sleep the other night, and was murmuring something about my life being the blueprint for his or something. I remember that because Laurie was floating above my bed and saying that we were in temporary limbo, but I don't recall what happened after that...
Anyway, yeah, my old evil headvoices are 'resurrecting.' Bridget has been dead for at least 3 years now, so this is truly terrifying. She represents arrogance, apathy and wrath, by the way... her color is green. I don't like her at all, and I haven't even seen much of her, thank heaven.
My self-image has unwaveringly been Jayce for the past week or so. Although this is helping me deal with mirrors (I noticed the switch after I had a major abusive breakdown last week in front of the mirror), when I'm in that state I'm even more naïve than I am in Spine's shell, so Julie tries to take advantage of me a LOT. I try to fight her off the best I can, but lately I've been weak because of my own self-abuse.
My self-loathing and lack of control over my surroundings is beginning to externalize. All that frustration and panic is beginning to overflow and I'm beginning to unconsciously turn it on other people who I have no control over either (read:everyone ever). That's why Bridget came back... all this painful fury.
I don't like it. I need to get somewhere safe somehow, but... well, I have no car, I have no money, and I have no time. I have to finish going through my belongings and packing the smallest amount I can take to Utah before Wednesday, which is kind of hellish right now. But I have to do it.

...Here's what I read that triggered this. From Mel.

"...I came over to Q's, and read Jewel's message that basically said she wasn't coming. That was too much for me...
I can't help but be furious at Jewel right now. Does she really want to suffer?
She told me that coming here would be worse for her than suffering the hell her family puts her through everyday.
Bullshit.
Your coming here was not just for me. I'm disgusted at the way you refuse to make progress, and when you do, you make the problems larger and more complicated.
Yes, I need you.
When Q is gone, I will have no one.
You just affirmed that fact by refusing to come here.
You know it will help you, yet you still refuse.
Why are you resigning yourself to hell constantly?
You deserve better than this: I know it, Q knows it, you should know it.
Help me understand: please."

The moment I read that, I FELT the self-hate burn outwards, and that was so horrific I knew I had to turn my mind elsewhere... but I owe her a reply. I owe everyone a reply.
I said I wasn't coming out of rashness and out of compromise. My family does NOT want me to go out to Utah, and they are saying they're not only being perfectly logical but are also saving me, an immature, mindless moron, from making yet another stupid decision that will ruin everyone's life. That alone is a huge stressor for me, and while I'm trying to figure out if they're right or not, Mel said she NEEDS me over in Utah, so I'm trying to figure out if SHE'S right or not at the exact same time. It's so incredibly painful that I basically just went with my parents at first, as I had to deal with them face-to-face daily, and didn't have the heart to go against them.
I'm furious at me too. Welcome to the past 20 years of my life. And yeah, that is exactly why I want to suffer. I feel I deserve a damn good amount of pain in my life, and when I don't get it I literally freak out. Not only that, but resigning myself to trying to live selflessly means that, if something starts 'working in my favor,' I also panic and wonder what I did wrong this time.
Going down to Utah would be worse than staying here because, first of all, it's immediately going to turn my family against me in some way. No matter how much of a 'perfect mother' my mum has been trying to be lately, I have seen her at her worst, and she might pull that again if I go against her orders to stay. Secondly, even though I'm going to be there for you, EVERY voice that's spoken to me-- yours and mine-- says that I hurt you, used you, am bad for you, and the like. Seeing you suffer and not being able to do anything is bad enough. Not being able to care for you entirely because I cannot understand how people work is bad enough. But knowing that most of what's up in our heads is convinced that I am trying to kill you is unbearable. Maybe I am, and I don't know! That's why it would be worse... Q would be gone, I can't get him back for you, I can't take his place, I can't help you the way you expect, and I can't keep any voices from telling me that I am a huge negative force in your life. Here I just have to worry about not killing myself. I don't want to end up inflicting any agony on you on top of everything else. I could never live with myself if I did.
And ironically, if it happened, I'd say I deserved it. What the hell is wrong with me, right? I'll tell you. I haven't felt the slightest bit happy with myself in over 8 years, because 8 years ago, I HAD no self. I was the quiet kid who did nothing but DRAW all day. Once I was forced to 'grow up' and stop giving life to my own worlds, something snapped, and I've been miserable ever since. Yes, yes, life is hell and she rapes everyone, but for the love of sanity I DON'T HAVE TO STAND FOR THAT. I don't give a flying fish if 95% of the population thinks life sucks; I still think it's beautiful despite all the junk we're going through, and so help me but it is really freaking difficult to keep my eyes white with what I'm exposed to on a daily basis.
I don't understand why you say my coming over there was not just for you. I thought that was the only reason? Education was just icing on the cake: an excuse for traveling 2000 miles to be with a girl I just met, a flimsy tale to tell my parents when they ask me why I'm 'running away from home' or 'making such an immature decision.' Who am I kidding; I didn't know why the heck I was leaving either, except that you TOLD me to! I was just too naive to realize that I could have refused!!
I WANT to make progress, Mel. That line hurt me so much I don't even want to think about it. What do you consider progress? What do you consider progress??
Please, my life and your life are different. What you may see as a step forward might be a dozen steps backward for me. What you see as a saving light might be the fires of hell for me.
I'm really scared, I'm not in the right body, I can't sleep because I'm tired of this and I can't stay awake because I want to forget all this. I sob into every mirror I see because I don't recognize what's in it, and not in the 'I should be a different person' way! I look in the mirror and I see wrongfully borrowed skin; I see a bag of bones that I was damned to suffer 20 years ago because the trial made me stronger. I just hope to God that He doesn't want me to die before I can finally make a good person out of myself.
What problems am I making larger? The family problem? Unfortunately, that's because I TRIED to take that 'step forward,' to get out of here, and go to you. That's what made my family angry with me. That's why I said I wasn't going at first; because it hurts so much when you say I'm just making my problems worse. I thought maybe I was doing the right thing for once. I was wrong.
Q doesn't know a freaking thing. It's the reason I ran from him in 2008. He's incredibly adamant and so sure in every observation and decision he makes, even if he is taking the wrong stance. When he does that to me, when I KNOW he's blindly thinking he's right, it hurts me horribly and makes me frighteningly angry. That's why I don't like talking to him... I can't get anywhere with him. If I do make progress, it's because I'm so frustrated that I just fall back on my two baselines: "this too shall pass" and "you can't die yet." So I pretend it's all okay, I get up off the floor and I keep walking, because it's true. Most of the time I don't remember a word anyone else spoke to me, so it really stings when they think they know every answer to my problems. Heck, I don't even know what my problems truly are; how are you supposed to solve something that's not even true or false?
It doesn't make me hate either of you, and it doesn't make me love you any less (although I'm not even sure if this is love anymore, as sickening as that is), but it does put a huge strain on whatever sort of relationship this is, because although you say you only want to help and are doing so the only way you know how, it is doing naught but causing me a ton of extra suffering.
You see why I'm hesitant to help you, no matter how desperately I want to. I don't know if I can sync with your life without causing catastrophe, which breaks my heart.
And yet I'm coming out there anyway. I am fully aware how huge of a risk it is for me, but I will be there. It makes me feel utterly worthless and depraved to say so, but you want me to, and despite how horribly wrong it feels it also feels right (yeah, my mind is pretty screwed up lately), which not only takes an axe to my moral compass but leaves me incapable of making my own decisions. So I let my family drag me one way and let you pull me back the other way. The pain I got from your words is what's making me leave for good. I told you; I can't live with myself knowing that I'm causing you such awful suffering. My family just doesn't want their 'precious, talented baby girl' (who is secretly a dude) making another stupid, stupid decision and 'running away' because I have 'no street smarts' and the like... it makes me sick thinking about all of it, about all of the contrasting opinions here.
Am I resigning myself to hell? What is hell to you? To me, it's waking up every morning stuck in an interim. I would have broken right out of this damnation ages ago if I had the money and the time, so I just do what my parents say to do and think "God must want me to suffer longer." Is that hell? Is it divine will for me to be stuck here? What lamps have I, the fallen Hope-Bringer, destroyed? What have I done?

I don't know what I deserve. I have no right to say and i don't want to think about it.
All I ever wanted out of life was to spread love and righteousness and I can't even do that with how screwed-up my life is right now.
What does it even feel like to do the right thing? Is it supposed to make you feel this guilty? What is going on??

I've been shivering for the past 4 hours, I'm hysterically fighting off headvoices, I'm horrifically hypersensitive, and I still have to call Q's family. I am just too freaking scared of them to pick up the phone... how am I going to stay there for 2 years if they terrify me? I couldn't even go into their basement to take a shower when his sister was down there because I am scared of her. I don't even know why! I'm scared of my own freaking brothers, for heavens sakes! My father asked me "what the hell I wanted already" because I told him I didn't feel safe in this apartment, and all I could say was "I don't know!" I'm such a pathetic little slob. I'm a virtually useless wreck of a screwup who can't even get on track long enough to fulfill his damn purpose in life. And every time I use that pronoun I want to cry, because it actually feels objectively right for once and I know I can't have it. It's such a stupid, selfish thing to get so worked up over, but for the love of life, how am I supposed to live as a functioning member of society, no matter how effed-up society is, if I can't even function in my 'own' skin? Mel, I want to help you, I want to help everyone I can, but you said it yourself, so many times-- "Why are you resigning yourself to hell constantly?"
I can't get out of this, and as long as I am being tormented, I can't see straight enough to help a soul. When I run to you to try and help, I trip and fall, and you wonder why I "refuse" to fix my own problems. I hope you understand how horribly painful it is for me to hear that from you. I just... I don't know how to make you understand.
I don't understand anyone.
I thought you were different. As selfish as it is, I thought you were a person I could love entirely, someone to help me out of this hell, but... but I thought Q was, too, and then he 'fell in love' with me. Why did that make everything so much more senseless to me?
I don't understand anyone. I don't understand myself. I don't know how to help you because I don't know what's going on and listen to me whining like a selfish little bitch and no no no no no no no


get them out of my head oh god PLEASE GET THEM OUT


I'll take the greyhound, sure!
20 hours of this, all in a row! i don't mind! i can't! i have to do it!
but when i get out there you'll still be romancing
and i won't get it
and some stupid, stupid, stupid part of me will condemn you for it
because it strikes me as useless.
don't listen to me.
tell me how i can help
even if its just standing there at this point
all i can give you is the truth
"i wish i could help you"
"but i don't know what help is"
and oh god I just want to help you
that's it
that's it.

 

 

 

It's a lie to even look at them.

I woke up at around 7 this morning, I think... got myself ready for Sunday services and seeing the MoTab... didn't speak a word on the way up. Too much on my mind, or nothing at all. I don't remember. I can only remember looking out at the mountains, and thinking how unreal everything felt.
Seeing the Tabernacle Choir was a beautiful disappointment. I'm addicted to heart-wrenching music, and the only transcendental chords were hidden in the first piece. So I sat and waited, listening to the instruments like a maniac listening to the wing flutters of a dying moth, voicelessly searching for that sound. It never came.
That took a heavy toll on me for some reason, and I spent the next 20 minutes trying to channel crystal wings before hopelessly realizing that the reflection I walked by didn't match me at all.
Sunday services were the same. There was too much talk, too many tears that I couldn't understand, too many strange bothers and too little pain. I need pain... I need contrition to feel any sort of ethereal life. That's why I like the structured mass I grew up with... it's always just slightly different enough to keep you thinking about every little word and chord and ritual, but it's similar enough to the past that my mind tends to dive deep as I sit there in those red pews. I like being in my typical church because the silence and the solemnity give me something gorgeous to hold on to. I'm supposed to be there, I want to be there, but whenever there's an interim I can just let go and see where God takes me. I couldn't find that today.

I had a priestly blessing given to me last night... it was almost cruelly sad, because every word God gave to me was a quietly loving repetition of the truths I already knew so well, so beautifully well, but was too lost and blind to realize. I've been blessed so much, ever since my childhood; those blessings are the only reason I'm alive right now. I've changed lives, I've been given an inner sight many can't even imagine, I've been given Peace herself as a lifelong muse. I've been given four angels to protect and guide me...
Trials are necessary. I know this. I've been suffering all my life, and somehow the entire time I knew that they would be beneficial in the end. Those traumatic childhood memories, those sleepless high school nights stained red with JTHM and self-sacrifice... all of them have contributed to the best parts of me right now.
That poses my problem.

Positivity does not fit with me.
"God wants me to be happy," they tell me, and I know it's true. However the sort of true happiness He's been giving me so far isn't the sunshine and flowers sort so many people think of.
Let me go off on a tangent...
I've never liked 'fun.' You know... amusement parks, recreational activities, board games, stuff like that. I had them all as a kid, but they never really worked out. I'd go to the amusement parks to ride the airborne rides, pretending I was flying along with the Jewel Monsters, but in time I lost my trust of those machines and realized the time they were stealing from me. Board games were only fun to me if I could turn them into my own creation, so to speak. I enjoyed 'Life' because I could write a theoretical future with it. I liked the mystery games because I could think about the characters and their roles. My favorite game, though, was about a unicorn and some princesses... I basically rewrote the entire plot in my head. I enjoyed creation and significance, not moving plastic pieces across a slab of cardboard for two hours. I'd go to fairs and picnics and family trips, but rarely enjoyed them and always looked forward to going home. In time I developed a crippling fear of their atmosphere... the smell of fries and funnel cakes, the loud brass music, the yellow and white lights strung overhead, the crowds of people. Even the slightest hint of that now is enough to send me spiraling into a panic. It's a carnival of senseless hedonism to me. Food, drink, and 'fun.' Screw that; I have work to do.
So I look for positive negativity, so to speak. I look for minor keys and left-eye teardrops and lonely nights and broken chandeliers. I seek out the silent streetlights and outcast souls and the empty streets drenched by rain. Those are the only things that feel real to me, and I've never really been able to explain it.

I had to borrow Mel's clothes for services this morning. Pinstripe pants and a black/white dress top. It was okay until I got about 2/3 through the Sunday service... that's when that awfully sick perception shift happened; that utterly displacing thought that I looked like a woman.
Naturally I began to freak out. As soon as I walked in Q's door I was milliseconds away from tearing the thing off and throwing on a suit, no kidding. That then led me into a train of thought that I really need to discuss, and eventually settle.
I'm sitting here in a pair of black jeans, a white Dichotomy top and a grey overjacket from the mens' section in Kohls. I mussed up my hair before the mirror so it spiked up just enough, grabbed each side of my lapel, and was for a moment comfortable with the face in the mirror. If I weren't so freaking numb lately I think I would've cried or something.
I just... I don't fit. I've never fit this face, this body, this vessel. Yeah, I need to use it as a conduit, but geez... can't I change it up a bit so I stop having breakdowns every time I walk past a mirror?
I think that's the most painful feeling in the entire world for me right now... the acutely agonizing awareness that my 'body' is not mine, that no matter where I go I will not find home, because the bones I am bound to are the wrong sort... that for now, for the length of this terrible trial, I am lost, trapped in a 5'8'' prison that tears me apart every waking moment.

Going back to our opening sentence, that's what's been going on. I don't have the nerve, the will, the right or the want to even look at Q or Mel right now. I mean, come on, these eyes feel stolen. It's a horrible feeling, you know; that no matter how genuine my soul strives to be, I will always be false, for the immediate impression I give to the world is a complete falsehood, a black lie.
I'm also still stupidly numb. Yes, yes I know I thought I was getting over it... and maybe I am; I don't know. I just can't feel anything other than this desperate, manic need to escape. And they're making it worse.
Laurie's doing okay. She's actually going back to the positive state she was in earlier this month, which makes me smile. I missed her a lot.
Too bad I can't do the same, I guess. There's that dull ache in the center of my chest again, which is completely bizarre because it's not even a physical sensation as far as I can tell. Fun fact; if you ask me if I hurt anywhere, I will most likely answer "yes" even if there's not the slightest twinge of a nerve in my body. There's just this chronic, invisible pain within me at all times, and it's impossible to describe because it requires a whole new sense to accommodate it. I'm only getting echoes of it, which is good I guess, because I think that if I took on everything I'm dimly percieving I might just die from the pain.
It's making everything really strange, too... no, I can't actively feel anything, but I can still emote, if that makes sense. I'm worried how Q and Mel are perceiving all this, but my numbness makes it feel almost 'painted on,' because there's no tangible proof of it. It's there though... well, at least I hope to God it is.

I really, really want to be a guy. I can't explain why and the mere thought of it makes me worry (probably because of the prejudice I'll face), but I still wish I were Jayce.
Why did I not realize this back when I was 12, 13, when the girls in my class showed me a magazine full of male models and asked me if I 'thought they were hot?' And all I could think of, all I could ever think of, was "I want to look like that." I wanted that so badly. I never realized what that meant. I never gave it a second thought...
Right now, I need the small changes most of all... the voice switch, the body shape change, the beard (oh man why do I want one so much), the different face and hands and impression. What I'm scared of is the 'mental change;' the thing most trans men I've seen talk about, the fear that the testosterone will somehow overwrite a vital part of my personality, especially the stereotypically 'feminine' parts like my deep-rooted compassion and empathetic needs. I don't want to shoot myself up and suddenly slide over to a stereotypical male mindset. I want to look the part just well enough, but I want to be whoever the heck I want. If I want to seriously screw around with the gender perception of everyone who sees me then so be it.
I just want to be comfortable in my own shell for once in my life. I want to look in the mirror and smile because it fits, not because I'm treating that glassy countenance as a separate individual. That's how Natalie was born and died, you know...
Also, weird realization. You know how I like andro girls and that's it? Well, I think that if I became Jayce, my focus would suddenly switch to andro guys. Heck, 4 out of 5 people would probably think I was gay the moment they saw me. Ridiculous stereotypes... but anyway, what causes such a strange homoromantic tendency with me is my severe asexual/genophobic drive. Compatibility in the 'typical' (ech) aspect can only be achieved through two members of opposite sexes. I loathe that sort of 'compatibility' more than I can say, so I think I'm unconsciously leaning the other way.
Right now, I am looking for a girlfriend for that reason. Sadly, though, I need a near-clone of me more than anything. I seem to have developed my personality output to match what I need from other people, so if I could find someone who was outwardly incredibly similar to the real me (nice, compassionate, open-minded and creative, but also punky, explorative, eccentric and a total butch), I'd be incredibly happy. I just don't know where to look, haha. I should totally take out a personal ad... "google 'spinningcannon,' ladies(?), and if you identify strongly with that individual, give me a call." Panromanticism is a major plus, haha.
Back on track, though... since becoming Jayce would make me a man (although not physically; God willing I won't have anything at all down there), hanging around with the ladies (no matter how cute they are) would make me terribly nervous, I think. Even visualizing it makes me panicky. Why? It's simple... girl + guy = downstairs junk that I DO NOT WANT. So unless I hook up with a lesbian or a dude I'm in trouble, haha. Seriously, I'd have no problem with a gay guy as long as he wasn't... well, promiscuous. Heck, I can't stand promiscuity in anyone. I just really, really like gay dudes. It's probably just because I don't like the binary or gender stereotypes at all. I'm currently pretty darn butch so there you go.

Lastly... should I change my name?
I loathe my given name; oh man, you have no freaking idea how much I detest it. I just can't decide what to change it to.
My 'true' name, Jewel W. E. Lightraye, would fit perfectly BUT once I went 'male,' I'd hit a roadblock. I still call myself 'Jayce Lytraile' (clever clever) whenever I refer to my 'future' white-haired self, but still have the mental incident here and there where people refer to me as 'Jewel' and I'm fine with it. Huh.
I just... switching legally to Jewel while still trapped in this physical hellhole would feel horribly, horribly wrong. Yeah, I'm me, but this bag of bones isn't. I'm going to need to give it a total remodeling (and maybe a custom paint job) before I can go around switching up names to fit it.
Could I get two names somehow? Haha, that would be genius. I think I'd really like that.
...Maybe Jayce would work, actually. Think about it: Jayce is the name for my physical self, and Jewel is the name for my soul. It's still me. I think I'll do that-- as soon as I decide on my two new middle names, haha!

Well, Apollo only has 50 minutes left on his battery and I left his plug at Mel's house, so I suppose I should close up for now... maybe hand this entry over to Q and Mel so they can have a bit of an idea as to what's going on with me. I don't know. It's starting to make me horribly sick, thinking of them reading this and likely treating it like they would a newspaper. Just something 'fun' to read...
...See, there we go again. I've been mentally picturing myself as Jayce this whole time, and now that I'm trying to pull myself out of 'digital reality' and back into the 3D perception of this living room, I'm getting that sickening knowledge that my trial isn't over yet and I still have to suffer this current body a while longer. God, give me strength. I trust you, and I know you know what you're doing, but... please, help me out.

Trial is necessary. Tears are vital. Suffering is needed. Pain is indispensible.
My life has been written in minor keys, in chords that make you catch your breath because they sting so sharply; their sorrowful beauty strikes your very heart.
If the sky didn't cry, there'd be no rainbows and waterfalls... it's the truth, you know.
Oh man, there we go... tiny bit of heartbreak right there. Thank you Jeff Kessel.

25 minutes left on Apollo; 3:21PM. I feel like going to sleep and doing some overtime... that or dreaming with my eyes open. I just need a strangely beautiful escape.

I'm going to try to purify my heart again, to make myself as white as I once was.
One day I'll dye my hair to match.






When I was a little boy
I didn't know what was right or wrong
I had to change my way of life
But I just couldn't win the fight
I'd let myself float off in time and hide

Another day
Another night
I lived off dreams
I thought was right
I couldn't stand being treated like
I was the only one without rights
Stood there screaming out your voice
And cried

The way you loved me
Is not always what we call love
Waiting now, beautiful pain

In the dirt and in my soil
They said they planted seeds of joy
I was unholy, born in sin
So they fed me words of lead within
Then I looked down on myself in shame
Left with the blame

The way you loved me
Is not always what we call love
Waiting now, beautiful pain

Mother, father listen up
I know these times were kind of rough
We waited for the leaders hand to guide our lives
It's kind of sad
And you just did what you thought was right
And cried