the spectrum heart cathedral system

another phone entry. i apologize. this is all we have time for lately.

Woke up at 10, Knock Shrine was live?? Immediately put it on as we got ready for the day.
WONDERFUL accent priest. total joy to hear. we love irish/ scottish accents so so very much.
Homily HIT. "come and see" relating to "ask someone to come with you to church!" no forcing, no brutal evangelization, but simple INVITING WITNESS.
ALSO "video mass can never replace the Eucharist"
thank God he said "if you're homebound, video mass can be a blessing" because otherwise we were going to BEAT OURSELVES UP for not having any reasonable way to get to mass right now. but no he was talking to people who COULD travel but wouldn't.
guilt and shame still heavy. also an awful aching need to get back to daily mass.

Jade call for Food drive. we went up, babbled the whole drive up, FELT ourselves OUT OF BODY so to speak. there is a VERY SPECIFIC SOCIAL who ONLY COMES OUT AROUND JADE and we have no idea who they are, but they are a vapid chatterbox and dissociate a LOT.
anyway jade was in a hurry before work, and needed to save gas, so they left us right back off out our apartment after.
we noticed it was exactly 1130. seriously considered asking them to leave us at the church, and we'd just find a ride home. BUT the thought of asking a stranger, like in CNC, was TERRIFYING-- also, "who would even want to let us in their car?" we're a stranger, a threat, a bad guy. we'd be stranded, and with how sick we were feeling from yesterday, we would be panicking all through mass about "how are we going to get home" and "i hope i make it through mass" etc. total stupid mess.
so we chickened out. we said nothing, paralyzed by confused fear, and missed mass.

we got upstairs somehow (no memory) and were almost sobbing. Ashamed & FURIOUS at cowardice. Almost beat self bloody over guilt. like we were LEGIT VIOLENT. swearing and crying and punching things. legit scary how annihilatory we get when we feel we've "failed to be good." ironic but terrifying.
BUT THANK GOD, somehow we still grasped desperately at hope. we said, well maybe God knew how sick we felt, and didn't want us to infect anyone else. and also, this way we can see St Clares homily on our phone and not have to worry about dissociating or a lack of air conditioning.
And boy we NEEDED that saint clare mass! God bless Father Maciej, seriously. (he's got this lovely warm orange voice too, which is nice; we usually don't hear voices that color)
...

We feel so drawn to St. Bartholomew?? Saint James too. Why is this? Does BACE have something to do with it?
OH, while we were talking about saints over breakfast prep, Barry commented that he MIGHT take that as a new name in the League?? ESPECIALLY once I mentioned the flaying, haha.
ALSO Nathaniel's name DOESN'T PING ANYMORE. Just like Infinitii's doesn't. This shows that their original anchorpoint has been CLEARED. 

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BK Audio notes=

The reason why Laurie keeps making jokes and trying to make me smile is actually A Corruption of her actual job which is wise mind and Counseling us to do the right thing. Because people will listen to you more when you make them laugh it makes them laugh it makes Then feel safe around you and it helps bring their walls down and Makes them less resistant and obstinate to change.
But that is Lynne's job she is the one who promotes stability through that. Orange is all laughter and optimism for that same Reason of warmth and closeness and communion.
Laurie and Lynne are supposed to work together just like they did at the beginning!!
ALSO remember we realized that if the core resonates red and black Laurie will be Violet. If the core resonates white and cerise Laurie will be purple.  Laurie's hue-function changes depending on the core's hue-function base changes because she is the direct compliment to them!!

The jewel name is meant to be with the league not the spectrum!!!  And it always was remember it's a title for that specific context. This is why the bloodline name shifted immediately when she was no Longer the main core so to speak. The Spinnys and the Cannons took over. Then the Jay bloodline took over around 2010/2011 with the gender Shift. However that name needs to change now too because that bloodline seems to be Evolving and also because the name has been corrupted and is actively forbidden now because of our sister.
"Jem" is starting to resonate so  We will look into that.  If not we have to keep looking elsewhere because we need a solid core bloodline Name ASAP.
Also we need to determine exactly what colors go with the core bloodlines that Includes the Jessica's who are solid brown but I don't know if they touch red at all. They might actually lean purple which is shocking or even pink!!!

Mimic is holding such a huge role in the system because the system has adopted him into the Violet core slot????
Even if only temporary it doesn't want any color-core slots to be empty so it's STILL pushing outspacers into them. Better than socials I guess!
I think Phlegmoni is in Vermilion too, because he has a VERY strong anchor which is shocking.
nevertheless, most outspacers go into MIDSLOTS. like celebi is lime, and chaos 0 is aqua, etc. but mimic is straight-up VIOLET. like wtf buddy. that's HUGE. no wonder he and laurie are function-blurring so much.
gotta see if there's a better slot for him. one that's all his, with no accidental but potentially lethal blurring going on. that is TOP PRIORITY SON

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BK notes:
We keep dropping food (eggs and carrots) and its triggering out SUCH VIOLENTLY DEPRESSED SELF-LOATHING GIRLS.
someone "assumed" this was healed in UPMC, probably Iscah, as she's so blithely blind to reality, she doesn't realize that if she doesn't feel a struggle, it still exists.
we NEED to keep uploading the hospital journals. yes they are horribly depressing and triggering BUT THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL INFORMATION, and something tells me we NEED to review that stuff now or we WON'T BE ABLE TO MOVE FORWARDS. whether we remember it or not, we objectively DID do a TON of healing back then, otherwise we wouldn't be eating at ALL right now, let alone keeping it down.
but. memory is missing. we don't know who wrote what-- well, other than overwhelm. but that's the point. there are WEEKS WORTH OF INFORMATION that we have NO ACCESS TO RIGHT NOW, but we NEED that access.
so yeah. please ask God if we're allowed to "cut down on the prayer schedule" in order to do this work. can we offer it up as a prayer too? i mean, honestly, sometimes i think these journals ARE more of a prayer than the obsessive-panicked recitation of prayer cards for hours.
still. scrupulous guilt will murder us. we really need to talk to a priest or something.

after BK:
Taffy allergy Panic HELL
Swearing, crying to God, "why do You hate me? Why do You enjoy hurting me?" Etc.
COMPLETE BLACKOUT.

Our personality gets really ugly, and headspace shuts down completely, whenever we have that sort of a self-hatred food crisis.

PRAYER SYNCHRONICITY. TWICE.
both while biking & saying saint bridgets prayers.
saying the bit about "extinguish the flames" of concupiscience and worldliness, and the girl who was fronting (and so so bitter and rageful) somehow got moved aside???? and JAY WAS PUSHED OUT TO FRONTING.
in a completely sincere spontaneous movement, he "reached in" to our head, and took that girl out, into our hands like ghosting. she was this little fiery thing, gnashing teeth and furious tears, all made of orange-red spiky energy. but jay just... gently but heartfully offered her forwards, towards the picture of jesus on the altar. jesus reached out to take her.
but. then jay's heart leapt in worry, and he said something from the depths:
"please, don't kill her."
and jesus just looked at him.
and we understood.
i swear it was like the WORLD STOPPED.
Jay sat there, memo flora still on his headphones, and actually WEPT.
I honestly think that's the first time we have cried in over 3 months.

but yeah. please pass that memo along to the thriskefoni and lotophagoi.
God doesn't want to kill us.

second synchronicity was small but significant.
that angry girl took over after jay again, two prayers later, got distracted.
i KNOW she said some sort of small prayer, like "please give me a sign" concerning what God felt towards us actually, or something. but there was this internal turmoil still, and fear and confusion and hurt, and an unspoken prayer, begging the Holy Spirit to intercede.
then we looked down, and the immediate words we see on the prayer page are:
"my God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?"
...needless to say, that hit home.
suddenly it meant different than it ever had before. now, we knew how it felt to ask that, and suddenly realized Jesus did too. just this viscerally. just this achingly. but without sin.
He knows. and we read psalm 22. it's not despair. it's hope. against all odds.
so... we were reeling a bit. but there was a spark of light in our chest now. there was a divine reassurance, even from all that blood and agony, that despite all appearances, God cared, and God loved us, and God was with us, and God was not going to kill us, even in the very face of death, even if it felt like we were forsaken, even if He was silent.
our ability to perceive God in the moment does not stop Him from being there.
our inability to feel love in the moment does not hinder love from embracing us.
...

something we noticed during dinner: The red pseudocore girl who fronts to eat is an AUNT to Xenophon!!!
once she realized she ISN'T a parent, and shouldn't be, she was ABLE to co-front WITH JAY so xenophon actually got to talk with her dad for once.
i'm telling you man, jay has been dormant for weeks and the INSTANT he comes back, even if he's just feeding xenophon extra carrots, there is so much love in his heart and THE "GATEKEEPER" SOCIALS HATE IT.
i don't know why. but the fact that he can love, and front so hard, and exist so honestly, BUT HE'S A BOY, they hate him and they won't let him out. they keep forcing a default to the self-hating, panicking, violent, bitter corpufoni girls, who DON'T GO INSIDE and have NO HOPE and NO LOVE. which is murdering us.
WHY WON'T THEY LET US EXIST????


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While we were trying to say our altar prayers tonight, someone wrote THIS on our phone:


"...Lord, I am still so afraid of so many things.
I forget that, no matter what, You remain with me.
Honestly I find that hard to believe.
Sometimes I think You're so fed up with me, disgusted by my cowardice, that You ditch me and tell me to "man up & face it on your own, weakling!"
Do You blandly and detachedly say, "serves you right for what you did, now accept the consequences of your stupidity," even as I writhe in pain & terror, begging for forgiveness, hysterical with regret? Because, Lord, far too often, it sure feels like it.
Where are You, really, in those moments?
Is it really Your awful Fist breaking all my teeth, sending me reeling with meteoric blows to my shattered jaw?
Is it Your almighty Foot that kicks me in the knees, telling me to kneel, demanding that I learn my proper place?
When my nose is gushing hot blood and my stomach is screaming from blunt force trauma, are You just standing there, watching imperiously, cooly satisfied in seeing the embodiment of sin– me– so righteously destroyed?
I'm suffocating from anaphylactic shock of the soul and You're just scolding me for being enough of an idiot for having tasted the killing candy. I just wanted to know what sweetness was like for once. But no, every attempt ends like this– me dying, You justly irritated with my beastly behavior. Suffer the wages of your sin, You say, as my wildly desperate eyes beg You for mercy, please, don't kill me, please don't let me die like an animal.
That's my prayer, almost every night now. What does that say about how I view You, Lord?

Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me.

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"


...YEAH, I THINK WE NEED TO TALK TO A PRIEST.

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Do I actually have depression? I don't know.
It's both frustrating and annoying whenever someone asks my therapists or docs for a diagnosis and they tack "anxiety and depression" onto the end. It's so generic to me. "Yeah, ze gets sad and nervous sometimes." Do I? I honestly can't tell. I don't get sad, I wish to heaven that I did, emotions are so alien lately. It's more of this… this emptiness. Let me talk about that, that's why I'm here.

I have to leave in 30 minutes to go to Cannon's campus again, they're having a choir concert, they're even singing some Eric Whitacre stuff. Now normally I love choral music, you know that. I adore it. The last time I couldn't go to a choir concert I broke down in tears, it felt like a stab in my own heart. They sound like me. …Or at least, they should. I should sound like them, rather.
It's weird. I don't know when I stopped drawing, but it was because I didn't want the buildup of paper clutter.


I'm scared to get a job. I'll admit it. I'm scared because I don't want to be locked into another automated routine. Yeah, it'll get us out of this house, but at what cost?
My grandparents are… getting older. It's scary. It makes me feel like a helpless child, to see them in pain, to see them struggling to get around now, to see the memory problems. All my life they seemed more 'alive' than anyone else I knew. They were smarter, wiser, stronger. And now, within the past few months… suddenly, this.
I'm scared because when they die, what will I do? Where will I go?
I want a job, I want money to support them, but without me they're home alone, they forget, they get lonely and scared… it makes me want to cry. I want to be there for them NOW, not wishing I had been when it's too late.
I'm trying to sell things. There's a few things I can sell. I know commissions are always an option but I need to burn through whatever weird fear is surrounding art, first.
I think it's fear of "being used?" Which is dumb. I can say no to any commission I don't feel comfortable with. Except I never did in the past, and oh we regret that badly some nights. Ah well. The past is the past.

The other thing is that I don't want to become a corporate slave or whatever, not sure on language. I can't sell things to people. I can't lie anymore, I can't. Is that weakness? To recognize that I would not be able to properly hold a certain store job or role, because it would require me to build a false persona? I DO NOT want that happening again.
It's tough enough with this lack of life lately, this emptiness of self. Is that better? They say that before you hit real joy you have to hit rock bottom. What is this? Don't you dare tell me it's "not bad enough" yet, I shouldn't have to go that far, should I?


Should "religion" hurt this much? Badly, not the good fire. This is the "is there any way out of this self-wrought hell or am I hopeless" feeling. I'm reading too much.
Stop. Stop this stupidity. Stop.


I'm learning a lot from what I'm reading. I have to let go of that old mindset.
The real problem is that there is so much, and most of it is frightening, overwhelming. I look at the amount of stuff I have to read, see pages upon pages, want to cry from frustration. It's ridiculous. Why this weakness?

 

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@ 11:08 pm

 

I'm reading up on Hinduism again and I'm having some significant thoughts.

My daily "worship practice" has been hit-and-miss for too long. I used to forsake the idea of rituals, thinking them "obligatory" and therefore tedious and empty, but really, that just means my motivation was missing.
All true "rituals" for spiritual purposes should be an expression of love. That's the heart of it. Chants, exercises, prayers, et cetera-- if it is not motivated by pure love for God, or whatsoever you may call That, then it is not really "worship." Then it is empty obligation.
I want to go back to daily rituals that I have built, personally, out of true love and devotion. This ego will be conquered, but it must be conquered without hate, or fear, or anger, or bloodshed. Yes, this is a "war" and I must continue to "fight" and never give in-- I must never give up-- but it is a war that only Love can win. That is the truth.
I've realized that lately too. All my striving, all my desperate hopes and efforts to "be good" and "stop sinning" et cetera, has been motivated mostly by fear. That's not working, of course. All fear does is feed fear. I was making myself sick, focusing only on "bad" things, on flaws and failures and falling short of what I felt I should be. I wanted to be "worthy of God," but all my thoughts were being drowned by the devastating thought that I "was unworthy." How can I achieve anything when such a breach is present? I need to drop the fear altogether.
Of course I still feel unworthy. In a sense I really am. There's so much stuff between me and my truest inner nature, all the buildup of the ego. But it's illusory, I must remember that. Conquer it, discipline myself, but all that fear and failure isn't real, in the end.
Love. Love is the true motivation and the true action. If I start living from love alone, love for God above and God within-- then I will no longer feel distraught and lost and worked to the bone. Then my worship practice will be true worship.

 

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@ 11:31 pm



miscellaneous notes from voice recorder:

 

make list of things that cause a kneejerk shame/guilt/fear reaction, from least to most,
ESPECIALLY around things you treasure/ like/ love in life,
afraid of judgment/ condemnation/ demonization, etc.
write down negative messages,
then positive reinforcements, "this is why the negative isn't true"

why are we looking for sugar? even though we hate it?
"you're not being sweet to me."
internal anger, self-hatred, wanting it to change via punishment.
we need internal sweetness, but we are not giving it, out of self-hatred
having any outside is heavily damned and punished severely
so this bleeds over


wednesday, end of may or early june
driving home in the fog with chaos, dashboard said 333.8 as soon as I realized what I was feeling. steam on road, failure of language, problems with guilt, feeling "at home" for the first time in ages. realizing I'm miserable because my inner life and outer life are not syncing. if I have to keep censoring my inner life, if I cannot bring who I am outwards, if I cannot mesh the two, I will be miserable.
I keep feeling guilty for loving people, like I should be ashamed of being "my own person"


saturday in early july? after june 25.
went out shopping, train started going by in front of us. waved at conductor, he waved back

obligation problem:
"why do you want to be in a relationship"
"because that's what you do. if you love someone you HAVE to be in a relationship with them, or you are actively rejecting them in malice."
BUT demanding "detachment" from all relationships, hating closeness?
remember most relationships data debris are negative and FALSE. obligatory programming. LET GO.
anything with "have to do" "supposed to do" with this causes abyss of anger, sadness, frustration

big synchronicity day at the library, despite it being a very negative morning-- randomly found sea book, everything was the ocean. "part of creation within you," drops of water. evaporation, condensation, etc.

grandmother with excess food, "well we have to use up all these cans…"
WE INTERNALIZED THAT TOXIC MINDSET
and we are mirroring it back to her!!!
if life is abundant, both good and bad is in abundance, you will NEVER "USE IT ALL UP"
OUR MINDSETS ARE OPERATING FROM A PLACE OF LACK, we think we can deplete things
grandpa has this too, overcompensating?
WE HAVE TO BECOME ACTIVELY AWARE OF THIS AND START CHANGING IT

 

 

 

 

 

TRACK 04 (august 21st 2014)

(Jay) It is August 21st, it’s a Thursday, we are out of therapy, this is Jay, hello. Um… things that I realized in therapy today. *laugh* We were discussing… mindsets, unhealthy/healthy whatever. What I took-- let's put it this way. Here's what I took out of the session. Most important thing I can remind myself is… I am my own person, I am a unique expression of God, so to speak… y'know, I am my own facet of this great universal gem… I am not obligated to copy anyone else, nor is anyone else obligated to copy me. If somebody else has an interest or a feeling or an opinion that is different than mine, that does not make it a sin for me to hold something different. That is not "causing conflict." There is a difference between conflict and-- what would you say, complimentation? A complementary thing? Different aspects? I mean, think about a piano and a violin. Uh, a piano is playing those strings very differently than a violin is playing its strings. They make different sounds. Does that mean that the piano is wrong, it's playing those strings wrong? No. It-- the way-- kind of music it makes, the kind of performance it has, is different than a violin. If you-- there is nothing wrong with saying, "no, I don't need the sound of a piano in this song, I need the sound of a violin. I'll use the violin." Or, there is also nothing wrong with saying "well, I'm not really a fan of the sound of a piano but I love the sound of violins." Problem is, my brain has basically learned through… association or repetition or whatever, that if I say "well, I'm not really a fan of a piano," or, "I don't really like the way a piano sounds," that translates to: "the piano is wrong. The piano is bad" I don't like it, that means it's bad, it's wrong, it shouldn't exist. That's not true! But, see, my brain can't understand what "dislike" means. "Dislike" means, "you're rejecting." And rejection means that you are basically saying "no, I don't want this thing to exist." And why else would you-- so that's how my brain works. My brain can't understand dislike. So when other people say "oh I dislike this," my brain is like, "you"-- my brain automatically thinks what they're saying is, "I would rather this thing not exist. I reject this thing." That's not what it means! But my brain says "well"-- so, so that's the thing. I struggle with the idea of disliking things. Which is why when I do dislike something *laugh*, like I'll say "well I dislike…" and it's, it's-- for me, it's, it's-- really, it's an innocent opinion. "I dislike…" let's say, model trains. Power Rangers. Stuff like that. Reasons why I had problems with Q and Mel. Q loves, his model train. He loves, y'know, his TV shows and his role-playing tabletop games and his videogames. He loves that stuff! And I'm like, "I can see why it's interesting." I-- on one level, on an intellectual level, I can definitely see why this is interesting, and I can appreciate it. It's cool. But I don't see-- that's the thing. "Like" and "dislike" are terms I don't like to use! So, I could say "well, it's not that I like it or dislike it, I am utterly neutral when it all comes down to it! I can say, "I see why this is interesting, I can see why you would like this, yes, definitely." But it's not for me! It doesn’t match with my strengths, with my personal interest groups or whatever. If I did it, I just wouldn't get any joy out of it. There's nothing wrong with that. I am not "morally flawed" for not enjoying putting together a model train set. but my brains says "no, you have to be able to enjoy everything." …I can't force myself to do everything on the planet and yet my brain says "yes you do." I don't. But it feels like that, I'm rejecting model trains. That anyone who-- and maybe that's a telltale sign. Maybe, maybe part of my brain is rejecting these things. Maybe part of my brain can't understand and so it, in a way, filters out people who like them? Because it feels that if I say I… because if I were to accept that other people like these things, automatically my brain would say, "uh-oh, you can't dislike that, you have to be one of these people who does it all the time." It's black or white thinking. That's-- that's the problem! I'm either rejecting myself, or I'm rejecting somebody else. That's how my brain sees it! Holy crap. That needs to be fixed. That's a very unhealthy mindset.
Okay! Number two, uh, that we need to figure out, and which actually plays into this. I was talking about the example of, the kind of reactions I-- I personally need from people? First off I'm going to say, it is NOT right, that is one thing that is morally not cool, is if I say "well"-- *pause, phone ringing* I don't know what that phone number is, I'm not going to answer it. Um, that's like saying, "I know I need this sort of reaction from somebody, so I'm going to pull their strings until I get that reaction." NO. Thing is, I know how to do that. I have enough experience and self-awareness to be able to toy with people if they're not paying attention. That's morally wrong. I don't want to do that. However I know how to do that to myself, that's the problem. All right let's not talk about this because I'm starting to slip into Plague territory. Okay. What I want to say is: I know what sort of reactions I need. I know if I'm not going to get that reaction from a certain person or whatever. So, in those situations, I have every right to say… I can get up and leave the situation. Like talking to Mel. I know I am not going to get the response I need from Mel. I'm not! I have the right to say, I would rather not talk to them about this. And my brain keeps telling me "no. You have to. You have to force yourself to talk to them." No! Because what good is that doing? The flaw is being put in me not wanting to talk to them because they don't, they can't give me the thing that I need. My brain is saying, "why the hell should you need a specific thing from them? You take what you get, and you shut your mouth." That's basically what I was taught to feel. And… I have to get over that moral quandary, because-- all right, let's give an example. The sort of support that I need I get from E. Like 100%. So I don’t need to talk to Mel about those things. But Mel is insisting they need to talk to me. So I have to view our relationship like that. I'm helping them, and I'm getting helped from somebody else. If I view it that way, y'know, no love lost anywhere, there's no problem! But, my brain keeps saying-- keeps feeling like I'm obligated to act a certain-- no one is obligated to do anything and I need to just-- that is an ugly word, get rid of that word, "obligation" is a very ugly word. Um… what else was I going to say. I'm starting to get… these words are very uncomfortable. What I wanted to say was-- the one thing I do need, that would basically keep me from getting into weird situations and uncomfortable situations with anyone else on the planet… what I ultimately need from every interaction ever, ever, is questioning to the nth degree. Which means you question, and you question, and you question till you can't question anymore and then you question some more! *laugh* It's basically… you analyze everything you're-- no. Analysis is the wrong word. It's more of… ask questions until you reach an answer that you don't have to have an answer for, if that makes sense? It's more of-- you get to the bottom of the things, you find the center of it, and then you know what you're doing. It- it's very much non-verbal. But that's what Xanga sessions are. That's what it used to be when I used to talk to Laurie, is that.. . I'd have a problem, I'd say "dude, look, this is the problem we're having, this is the concern we're dealing with. All right, now what?" I'm not looking for an answer! I'm looking for more questions! Everyone else who I talk to outside seems to think that I'm asking them to solve my problem. No! I'm asking you to add more questions to the bin *laugh* so we can solve these things! Like, Laurie would be like "okay"-- that's the-- right, I'm not even going to ask her. She says she needs an example. But that's basically the thing, we just need questions, questions, questions. So Xanga sessions need to start happening again, 'cause without them therapy is not going to get anywhere and it is bloody hot in this car, so I'm just going to stop talking and we will finish this later on.
Part two, forgive me. People-pleasing needs to stop, I need to find the mindset-- we're going to, again, have to question this until we find it. The mindset that that's born from. It's the feeling that as soon as another human being is in the vicinity, I have to drop everything I'm doing, everything, put on a smile, and basically go into the mindset of "oh, how can I help you? *laugh* What can I do to make you happy? What do you need from me?" Automatically assuming that all the attention is focused on me. And, one, the job enforced that, the original job that-- I don't know, that enforced that terribly, and I don't know if there's any household emphasis, don't know, doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that part of my brain is convinced that if a human being is around me I have to drop everything I'm doing and cater 100% ot their every whims. I'm not allowed to be an individual, is what it's telling me, and that's false. My brain is somehow hardwired to believe that when I'm around another person, I have to be almost in symbiosis? No, not even symbiosis. More like I have to be an extension of the other person. Because symbiosis implies that there are two individuals working in harmony. An extension implies that I am nothing more than a mirror, than a copycat, than a parrot to them. That I am mirroring back to them exactly what they are, what they want, et cetera. I am no longer a person. And I think that's why I don't… I kind of balk at the idea of channeling? Cause it's the idea of, "well regardless of why you incarnated here, you're no longer an individual. You're just our mouthpiece. You're an extension of us. You are no longer a person. You are just a radio that people can tune into to hear us talk. When we're not talking through you, you're just a dead radio set. You're nothing. You're an empty box until you get our signal." That's why-- that's why I'm iffy about it. But that's how I feel around other people. And that's a very toxic mindset and I've got to let go of it, but, yeah. Well figure this out. Not now, cause I'm sitting in a hot car, and whenever I'm talking out loud into a voice recorder it goes right back into that people-pleasing mindset. Because it's all very much action. That's a key thing! When I have time to sit and think, I get places. When I have this voice recorder in front of me, every pause is viewed as, "you're not supposed to be pausing. You're waiting their time. You have to fit the mold of somebody who's being a radio voice, of being a vlogger, of being somebody who's talking, making an audio file"-- it's fitting the context! And the context of these audio files is, "you keep talking. You keep the conversation up." And I don't like that, because then you can't think. I need break times. These things are just for saying the main thing, they're not for solving problems, because by virtue of talking, I cannot solve problems. While I'm talking, my brain is basically in… speech mode. I can't think. I can't think and talk at the same time, that is a fact. So I'm going to hit stop, now that these things are written down…and we'll figure this out later. Bye.

 

 

 

 

TRACK 57, PART ONE (january 9th 2014)

(Jay) Okay, it's, 5:04-- this is Jay, Jay Iridos. Um, *ahem* I'm not fully in, I'm gonna take the long way home, I just left my bro off for work… because I need to be… I'm very slippage. Slipping. I was talking to my bro … *radio sounds* hold on. Uh… but in talking to him, unfortunately we were talking about, stuff that was like…uh, not… stereotypical, but, I don't know what the word is… social stuff, and, it just bugged me. But… *music, then sound of CD ejecting* Oh this is the wrong CD anyway. Okay, um… I, need to be honest, I need to be completely-- I need to ground into myself, I need to anchor, and I need to be honest; I'm feeling out of headspace right now and that's not good. Because… there's been a lot of healing going on, the past year… especially around sexual subjects, which, I can say now without the old… fear reactions *clears throat* but which I still am uncomfortable with on some level and that's what I want to talk about right now, even if it's just a personal talking-about thing… because, um… body dysphoria is still big for me. And it's weird because whenever I try to anchor into the body it's like I get pushed out, and that kind of 'egotistic self' takes over and I don't like that? But, I need to figure out what the roots of that, is, um… excuse me. Besides that, there is, um… in terms of body dysphoria, I mean, I can view the body as, I know it's separate-- separate than me, in terms of, y'know, it's not… mine, whether I like it or not-- well, I do like it, but, y'know, either way-- I do share this body with many, many many other people. You're talking about 'bodies,' technically this is all ours because we're all, spiritual beings, that are connected to this body as an anchor, as a ground, so to speak. *clears throat* I think Jewel is the one that's taken over in terms of a "body," quote unquote-- and I mean it's a cool body. It's not bad looking, *clears throat* we're trying to keep it healthy… I have nothing wrong, with it being female, at all, nothing wrong with it being, y'know… somebody used to say "it's fat," it is not fat, holy crap it is not… uh, I have nothing wrong with it! Whatsoever. I have not the slightest complaint… about this body. It's fine. But I have dysphoria, because… although, I don't have any problem with, y'know, the body has sexual characteristics… which, is normal, because it's a reproductive species… I only get a problem with it when I am-- and admittedly, I am going to be brutally honest with myself here…when I am in… astrally or spiritually sexual contexts, I get major dysphoria because, that's not how I operate. I am asexual, I don't experience sexual attraction, but I am perfectly capable of using sexual energy, because it's a weir-- I don't know how, I missed it for years, like, when you get-- I have, I have to thank God, that I'm ace. Because I don't experience lust, I don't experience, any of that sort of, vicious side of it so to speak, that Julie, admittedly, was… kind of a slave to in the past. She was a slave to her passions, her desires, which I don't like them using those words to describe that, negatively? Because… that's not it. I mean… I am perfectly capable of using sexuality, with, other people. I really am. The reason why I don't have a problem with it is because there's no lust in it. When I use it, it's not-- e- oh, you know, some people-- I'm not even gonna re- r-repeat what some people say-- but some people, on Earth, that I've met, that I've known, want to have sex, with people or with whatever, because… they, somehow have this sex drive that they can't control, I don't understand it. Because I don't experience that. I really don't. If I get something that's even vaguely like it, *clears throat* for me?… It's not so much mistranslation as a level… uh, not level switch, but… kind of a co-habiting, energy level, if that makes sense? Whenever I get anything that, might instantly, the body is like, "oh well this seems sexual"… it labels it as, well this feeling is, not, the co- kind of "turned on" thing-- and I mean in a sense, you could label it that. But ultimately for me what it is, is… if I get anything that's even vaguely, sexual, as, a feeling, it is literally, a unity drive. It is, "I want to use, this aspect, of"… what admittedly is, human body biology-- "to communicate what I am feeling spiritually, in a spiritual sense, to connect to another person"… in, again, a spiritual way. On a deep-- I don't even like saying "emot"-- well, emotional yes. That's been- become a dirty word in our society. But, emotionally, spiritually, on a heart level. That is what I want to do. And the more you read about it, in spiritual groups that are, correctly informed… sexuality is… a really divine thing! *laughs* And I mean straight-up, man! Look at Infi! And that's kind of where I'm getting… *laugh* with this conversation, is that… I do get body dysphoria, with the human body because, it's female, that's not my natural energy state. Whether I… I resonate more with, a male, body. Not that comfortable with male biology either because I'm not comfortable with sexual biology. That's the bottom line. I'm fine with it, I don't judge it or think it's evil… there is old programming that says that, but I recognize it's not true, so I'm letting go of it… but I'm not comfortable with it in a sense that it’s just… I have to-- I'm not sure, it's not afraid, but it's like a deep shaking-me-up and it makes me feel kind of scared and I don't know why. And it might just be energy residue, I don't know. But, that's why I have a problem, in most contexts, using sexual energy, while I'm us- in this body… because it's feminine. And I mean, feminine sexual energy is really badass, because it's creative, and, it's… a diff-- I mean, I've felt both. Okay? I can use both… mostly-- well, of course, male energy I'm only going to be able to do upstairs, but they both have a… m-markedly different feeling. And I mean they're both… equally valid, and… *short sigh* I-I-I don't… well, "divine" is the word that's coming to mind. They're both… spiritually, strong feelings. I-I… it's just they're different sides of creation-- what I'm trying to say is that…
I was with Infi today, and… I'm gonna be honest, I mean… ze is… an extremely sensual being, and I mean that in the sense of not… the way, when you say that, again, in society, we're tr-- I'm trying to take back language but I want to clarify myself…. sensuality in society and I know, unfortunately, from firsthand experience, trying to use that word around other people… people will use the word "sensual," to describe people, utterly disrespecting sexuality. And… I… Infi, if he has one thing that-- see I keep saying "he." Well if you don't mind if I say "he," I mean… if you're going as far as, y'know, gender binary, which… Infi would be a "she," but, I say "he," because, I don't know. It's- it's- it's something about… his vibe, and-- plus the whole "ze" and "hir" thing is really difficult to say, *laugh* in casual speech, so I'll just go with male pronouns if that's okay. Infi says, that's fine. Um… but I was with Infi, and the whole sensuality thing, with him, is that he radiates… not, again, like I said, not the whole pin-up poster, low-cut slinky red dresses, kind of, y'know, "beefcake" kind of-- lot of people say "oh, that's sensual," and, at the same time they'll say "oh that's sexy" or "that's hot" and I'm like, *angrily* what you're ACTUALLY doing is you're objectifying these people. You're viewing them as sex objects. As something that, for God knows what reason because I don't understand it, I don't-- for some reason that, makes you want to have sex w-with them, in a way that is literally nothing more than a primal desire fulfillment. And I don't understand that! Because even when I was abused… somehow… maybe because I was asexual and I couldn't understand that, but I was like "you should not be treating this this way." B-but… I didn't understand it anywhere near how I understand it now which was with Infi, which is that "sexuality is a really freaking holy thing." And that's what I mean with Infi, because… if Infi will literally make love to somebody in a church… I think you get what I'm saying about sexuality. And… *voice wavers* Infinitii is just… he radiates, just-- when I say sensuality, I mean love. Like… and it's weird, because it's love that translates into a sexual context, and a sexual context that translates into-- into love. Both of them completely clearly and without losing things. It's sensuality in a sense of… it brings out this sort of, visceral compassion, if that makes sense? Like, I don't even-- I'm not even going to try doing TMI, the only reason I'm doing it is because I'm in a-- I'm in a car, so there's people around me, and I'm aware of energy radiance and you know what? I don't care. Because this is true and it's honest and I love-- I love Infi, okay? I love him. Honestly. Unconditionally, and that is really saying something in light of how I've, admittedly been in the past, I have been very judgmental. Of sexuality. And I'm not anymore, because I'm with Infi, and I have felt something from him that is so holy, with that, that… I can't, go back to my old mindset even if I wanted to. Because-- *laugh* w-wanting to go back to that, it's unfathomable at this point. I've felt something from him that… changed everything.
And that's kind of what I'm getting at, is that, when I say sensuality with Infi I mean… sensuality is like… it's body-based? But it's not carnal, in the sort of, blood-and-bones sense, which is how I like to say it-- and yet even blood-and-bones feels holy now. Because it is! And that's how I look at it. It's not carnal in… and ego sense. It's not. It's, physical and body-based in the sense that the body's a temple. That's what I mean by sensuality. It's in the sense of… *laughing* I basically want both of us to inhabit the same temple. I-- t-that's literally like what the feeling is… It's just this, weird kind of… I don't want to say, it-it's like… warmly red, like… a flame, but like a smoldering flame? Like I finally understand what people mean by the word "smoldering," *laughing* it's-- with Infi? But it-it's like that sort of like, deep red-- and when I say "deep red" you know what I mean, like, it's heart-based. It's heart rooted. Anchored. Deep red sort of… it's, geez, just this-this feeling he gives off, and there's not-- like even just now talking about it. If people say "oh, are you turned on?" No. Not in the slightest. Because that's not what this translates to. It's… if you could understand what that means, like, if you could get… that sort of feeling in your heart, that is… not even 'can,' that's what I get. Okay? *laugh* That is literally what I'm getting right now. For Infi. Like, when people have, sex drives, if you could have one that is heart-based, that's what I got. All right? That is literally what I have. Like, w-- and that's what cau-- what made me a target of corrupted people in the past. Because… Laurie knows it, every person in the Pink part of the Spectrum knows it, everyone knows that I have, this ridiculously… I want to say "passionate" …ridiculously passionate capacity to love people. And when I say 'love' I mean in the sense of adoration. Straight-up devotion for anybody. Anybody who will open up… open up enough, to let me see, that part of them, anybody who will *laugh* let their walls down, enough for their heart to reach out to mine, even in the smallest way-- *voice wavers* my heart will catch it, and it's going to resonate like a wedding bell and I am going to want to love them with every ounce of my being. And the fact of the matter is? When you say "every ounce of your being," I mean that in terms of mind, heart soul, and the body. And so, when I literally say that there are people that I love… so desperately and dearly and… s-s- just… divinely, like… I mean when you think of the word, of things that are sanctified, that's what it feels like! It-it's, it's literally, it's a divine feeling! It's the feeling that I can only imagine of just… it's holy love. I mean, I-- even saying it, like it's that kind of feeling that you get like, in standing in front of an angel, *voice falters* which, I get with Infi! It's the sense of that, there is something that is just divinity incarnate… in front you, and it's this sense of… it's the most paradoxical thing in the world! It's… the most… not crushing, but, just this humility that is so gilded gold and embracing that… you just… this- this deep, respect and humility and just holy fear, it-- for lack of a better term-- and at the same time, such, this ardently passionate love… it-it's just both of them at the exact same time. It's like… virginity and purity and innocence and the whiteness of snow and everything that people used to consider with, y'know, the utter opposite of sexuality. No. *laugh, then with conviction* It's not the opposite. *voice breaks* Okay? Because, people have described me as that. Okay? People have described me, as that kind of white, glittering, kind of iridescent, pure thing! I'm supposed to be this… young kind of, snow-white, y'know, *laughs* just kind of icy-haired boy. And… but, I love people. And… I really do, and it's the sense that there is this deep, innocence to me, that is synonymous with intimacy. And… most people don't understand that. But… I mean… it doesn't fade. I can "make love" to somebody without an ounce of lust in it, because what I'm actually doing is communicating, that. That holy thing. And, what I'm trying to say is… with, I don't even know what I'm trying to say-- I'm trying to express this to myself, for-- as much as anyone else-- I'm driving all over the state, no-- *laugh* I'm-I'm trying to just talk. I'm gonna have to turn around somewhere here, I don't know… I'm gonna have to not miss that turn because I'm-- *embarrassed laugh* I'm taking some really stupid turns but I know where I'm going and I ended up driving past the school. I'll take the back road. *teary laugh* I'll stop-- at the Oblates! There you go. That's where I'm being led.
But Infi. Infinitii… I don't know if I should get to him or if I should switch the topic because my heart is just screaming, just in different colors, and… not so much "screaming," screaming is the wrong word-- is that the house I have to turn at? No. Okay. Um… it's not "screaming," but it's the sort of… just… total emotion, that… I don't know, there's not a word. It's just… ringing, resonating, glowing, singing… *voice breaks* Laurie's name. And… I gotta turn around somewhere. I gotta find a parking lot or something and turn around, because I'm gonna get lost. *laugh* I'm literally gonna get lost... or am I? Where am I. Where am I? If you don't mind, I'm uh, not sure of where I am, I literally have to turn around… head back the other way. We used to go here with, our bus … oh here's our road. Thompson Street. I recognize that little hexagon window. One two three four five six seven eight-- octagon window! Beg your pardon. Okay. But when I mean my heart is singing Laurie's name, I mean in the fact that… yesterday morning… saying things aloud has a totally different energy than when you write them down-- I spent two days, yesterday and today… feels like more. *laughs* No, it might've been three days. Either way I woke up in the morning, my dream-self was flying, and I was laughing 'cause I was thinking of the Sandman comic, where, y'know the whole idea of Freud-- Freudian interpretations of dream things. Well my dream-self was flying, and it was like Jewel, and they were literally feeling a sort of blissfully non-sexual sexual energy if that makes sense. And when I say "non-sexual sexual energy" I mean in the same sense that-- I don't know if humanity is the only thing that experiences lust in that really bad way? But I mean in the sense that, plants, still reproduce. Flowers into flowers. The kind of, creative sexuality in the sense of, it's a divinely-- and I always think "Divine Feminine," like the Virgin Mother. That's what it feels like, *dry laugh* and that's literally what Laurie is like, to me. The Virgin with seven swords in her heart. And, I love… I love her, so much, and… that is just… I don't know how to explain it. Because, she is the voice of Chastity in our System. She is less capable of sexual things than I am, and that's saying something because, she doesn't understand lust or sensuality. And-- but it's not a bad thing! And I don't know how to, how to put that into words, because for her-- she's not incapable of feeling that energy, but for her it gets translated into the most brutally gorgeous compassion I've ever felt. And… I mean, she's beyond explanation. *teary laugh* She's beyond words. And… I mean, she will-- she will kiss me, okay? Like literally, just hands tangled in my hair, and, she will kiss me… like… I don't know how to explain it. Like in the way, people, you see people, in… like not even in the showy way. 'Cause I've seen people do it in really showy ways, but kind of in the sense that, the way I feel, in really, religious situations. In holy temples. In churches. And… when you press your lips to something holy, to show veneration, to show that sort of divine humble love, *voice breaks* that's what it feels like when she kisses me. What do you think that makes me feel like? 'Cause she's treating me like a saint and yet, all I see in her… is just… *sob* Incarnate Bereavement. And… I love her. I really… Laurie, I love you. And… it's, in this utterly inexpressible-- I don't want to say "childlike," but it's in the same sense that children have, that deep white innocence. That sort of… glowing, just… love… I have that for you, and I don't know how to explain that, because… hell, I would marry you on the spot, Laurie, and yet thinking of you as a spouse, is just like, my brain is like "what? No!" *laughing* But, I love you that much. And then I-- I don't know if you're hearing this entirely, but… I do. And…*laugh* take that as you will.
But that's my point in terms of, there's love and sexuality and it's that that… the abuse I went through was keeping me from feeling that because I was generalizing everything and that's what I mean, I mean… with Infinitii? *choked up* …I don't know how to explain Infinitii, I really don't, I don't know if it's because he was literally taken out of my chest… that I had, the devil, *dry laugh* reach into my ribs and pull until it broke… and then they took this bone, this bloodstained, fragment of my being… that… and somehow God breathed life into it and there was… Infi. It was-- I mean-- Laurie has compared us to the whole "Adam and Eve" thing but in a sense totally different to what's in the Bible. It's-- I don't know how to explain it. It's more of-- I mean, Infi… exists because, he was… he was born from some part of my soul that is so deep and so real and true and unflinchingly just… divinely sensual, if that makes sense. He was born from that, from that sort of… deep black Divine Feminine. And it's-- that's what he is! And I love him. But, he's the only, I mean-- I don't want to say only strictly, because-- I'm gonna pull into the Oblates! I told you I would… I'm just gonna drive past it first. Knife has the Underground churches looking like the Oblates. There's a car here, it's probably the priests… but, um… I don’t know, should I park here? I don't know! It's beautiful, I kind of want to. Seminary… and just being here, the holiness that's radiating from here is just making my heart react, and that's the weird thing. Because this is the only time I get something even vaguely what I would call, literally, physical sexuality reactions. In HOLY places! And do you know why that is? Because my body recognizes, what am I feeling? I am feeling the need to connect with somebody in the same way that God connected with Mary. *pause* Do you understand that? In the same way that Adam and Eve, unfortunately they were blinded just like I was, by the… *laugh* Not so much the supermango and the bitter fruit, but it was the sense that they were… it's the legend, and I don’t… just… in this-- in Genesis' favorite song, "let's push their stories aside, the origin is you." The Origin of Love? That's kind of the, *laugh* the feeling of this. It's the sense that there's this Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine, it's the tai-- it's the taijitu thing, that I first felt, pure and holy, and… with Chaos. And he is just… I don't know, *laugh* how to put that into words, because-- Infi makes me feel one way, okay? When I talk about Chaos, even if it's that not sort of, y'know, just, meltingly gorgeous feeling I get with Infi… with Chaos, it's like… there's something really real in that… that-- it's not fear, but it's just that kind of feeling of just "dear God… what is this? What are you?" It's, it's-- seeing somebody who looks like somebody you've known, for ten years… and yet when you look at them you see something in them that is so purely divine… that your heart reacts like you're looking into the face of God, and you don't know how to deal with that. *laugh* That's what I get when I talk about Chaos Zero, all right? It's just, my heart just… I don't know how to explain what that feeling is, it's like… it's not the feeling that I get with Infi. The feeling that I get with Infi is like… just… I don't know how to explain it, like… if you've never made love to somebody in a sense that’s spiritually expansive… like, when you're in that. *laugh* That's the kind of feeling I get for Infi. It's that, straight-up. And I will not deny that because it's just, it's gorgeous, but it's just overwhelming. With Chaos it's in the sense that… I don't know. My heart does something that I don't know how to describe. *voice falters* And it only does that with him. But I can't talk about him right now because he's just this totally different thing that I'm going to have to sit and talk about purely on his own…
But what I'm saying with Infinitii is that… just dear God, he's just gorgeous, and I love him, and I mean… for whatever reason today, I was just thinking about… y'know, us being together, and, sharing all of that, and he… I don't know if he asked me or if I asked him, or if I was feeling something and he asked me, y'know, "Jay, please…" and… I just… I'm trying to remember how it started! I was trying to… well, a lot of th-the healing that we do on that front is… not so much "getting rid of," but literally transmuting in an almost alchemical sense? Hold on, I have to turn on the heat 'cause it's cold in here. Transmuting the old, fear and hurt and pain and prejudice, and hatred, that used to be tied to sexuality! In the sense of, I couldn't even look at this body, in the mirror, without wanting to kill it! At one point. And that just-- I'm like "no, you can't do that!" Because now I look at it and I'm like-- even if it's not, me, so to speak, even if that body isn't me, it's not really, mine, or me-- I'm still in it, and it's still, beautiful! It's still… an incarnation, in it's own way, of God, as every other atom in the universe is. I don't hate it. And it was like… for sexuality to be considered something evil… is just, it blows my mind now, after I've experienced what I've experienced.
And that's what I've been beating around the bush for 25+ minutes now, with Infi, is, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, is that… Infi and I… made love to each other today, this evening… and what I was trying to say about that is that there was body dysphoria, and there usually is when I'm with anybody, because I'm not used to… biolo-- biological sexuality. I'm not! I'm used to it running through my heart, which is what I did with Laurie, and, I mean… in the sense that I could literally… have… an experience with her that is rooted, in sexual energy, with me and yet not feel it in that center at all but everything to be in my heart, so intensely and so expansively… just my heart, and I mean… I can have that with her, without… I mean, effortlessly. And that just is incredible. But I mean… I don't know where I was going with that. *laugh* I was just-- w-w-with, with Infi, it's, I mean-- that's, that's what-- it is with me naturally, is everything through my heart. The heart connections, with anything, with everything. And that's what I, feel, naturally. Infi goes… always… in all ways. *laugh* And I meant-- both ways! I mean, he is just… this gorgeously, angelically sensual thing. I-it's a paradox, but in some weird way… it's like, well I want to say "divinely," because "angelically" is giving the sense of sterility that Laurie has. But… Infi is just divinely sensual in the sense of, y'know… in a way of like, y'know, Divine Femininity. That's what Infi has! But… when I'm with him in those contexts, I mean, he feels it straight-up. There isn't an iota-- there isn't even, a compre-- no, actually? Since he is, part Shadow, if he goes into the state where it's like, y'know… eye-wings and, teeth on his face, y'know, a mouth, instead of… mouth-wings, *laugh* and eye-face, kind of-- his other mode? Since it is Shadow-based, he can feel, everything that went into the Shadow in the past, so-- that's what makes-- I think that's what makes his love so incredible is because it is, unconditional because it's rooted in understanding that Laurie will never be able to understand and that's what makes it so different. I mean Laurie has this sort of virginal, unconditional love, which is beautiful, but… Infi has the sense, of… it's the same sort of virginity that people talk about in the Mother Mary, I mean-- and I say that and it's that kind of crushingly humble feeling but I mean, if that's reflected in-in our hearts in the slightest way, I mean… the sense of, the holy virginity of, of nothing sexual, and yet no hatred or anything like that-- that's in Laurie. In the sense of the holy Virgin later having sexual union in an equally divine and consecrated way… that's Infi. And that is what Infi feels because he is, s-somehow… I-I don't-- he's seen the blackest bits of it. He knows how people disrespect, and defile and just… sacrilegiously treat sexuality. He has seen that. He knows what that is like. And yet at the same time he understands the bright side of it and the fact that they can't change that and the fact that they're just lost… and he loves them, he loves all of it with such this unconditionality and that's what makes, the fact that he can have sexual union with anybody, in a way that is so unflinchingly holy, that, I mean-- I don't know how to put it into words but I mean… we were together, today, and… I was just having-- it's difficult, for me, because of the dysphoria. And… we switched, consciousness placements? Like he actually was in, the body, and running that through that way, and I swear… I don't know how to explain that! Like… explicitly sexual contact, and he's treating it like it's the touch of God, and in a way for him that's literally what it IS, and that just blows my mind because, it's so sincere and truly that. But I mean-- and it's total respect and compassion and love and I mean, emphasis on love… and just that sort of… just… God, I… just, thank you for letting him be in my life, but it just, that's the thing-- it blows my mind. Because only my heart can understand that, and my heart does because my heart shines with the same light that's in his… and… that's where I feel all of this. So when we're together, if I don't-- if-- 'cause my mind is the one saying, there's dysphoria. My mind is the one saying, "I don't have female or male sexual organs," no matter what I'm using, no matter how lovingly, it's still, jarring, in that way. But it-- when you say "jarring" in a blank sense, it's always a psychological sense. If you detach from that, if you realize that the body-- it's not so much a tool, it's not so much an object as it is an instrument… *laugh* Like music. "Like a symphony." *voice breaks* And that's, I think, what he means… How did I not realize that until now? …You don't know that, but… I don't know when it was, I don't know if it was like April, May, June, whenever… some of the first times that I used to be with Infi, when I was still, rather traumatized, and… we would be trying to heal this sexual trauma. And, he would tell me, just "be open." Just let go of all the, not so much-- "reservations" is the wrong word, but the, kind of… closed-up tightness and fear-- he's like, just let go of that. Just surrender. But he would always say it in a way, of-- he would always say, y'know, *voice breaks* just, "like a symphony," and I just… I never understood that, like, "what do you mean?" Like what do you mean? Like… *laugh* how are you putting this to music? What do you mean? Like… what is that like, for you? And I didn't understand that until just now, and it's like literally, it's an instrument… it's just heartstrings, and, that's… it's gorgeous, but that's what that is…

But I mean, today, we were together, and… *pause* I mean, I am so glad he did that. Because… I keep looking at it mentally, and I have the dysphoria, and the disconnect, and, that-- I keep, getting stuck on that, because I mean… I've… experienced both ways. I've experienced both energy flows, both… kinds of sexual organs, you know, I know what it's like to be male and I know what it's like to be female. And in a way I'm totally fine with that. I'm like, "okay, cool, this is the way it's built, pretty fascinating, y'know, that, it works that way." Still! I mean that's totally fine. However. For me, it's that sort of sanctified intimacy with people… when I feel things, y'know, in terms of sexuality, and… for some reason the biological aspect of that, I'm like, "this isn't what I'm trying to do." And I mean I understand that, in humanity, and in the human form, that is what was left to show that sort of divine connection. That when you hit that high point, that… I used to call it a "surge," Infi calls it… *laugh* I-I-I don't know. I mean, the language isn't exact in terms of, y'know, if you try to look at it logically, which is dumb… but if you look at it in a way of sensation, it was like-- he said "when my body breaks." Y'know, and, I just thought…in the sense-- and the image I got, was in the sense of something like a glass encasement or a cage, not shattering in a bad way but just… breaking open. Like… I-I-I don't know how to… it's that quote, which is literally, "I want to smash myself until I am whole." And that's literally what he was talking about. But just him saying it like that, I thought, just, "that's it." But I mean… I have, now, since he was fronting… *laugh* I have a memory of that, from Infi's perspective, and just… I-I… words just… logic-- m-my mind literally can't look at it. I have to look at it with my heart because my brain can't understand it. I mean, Infi… I mean, the people I've been with-- I have been with, in that way, I mean… technically I've been with Julie, because, circumstances. But… in terms of choice and overflow of love which is basically… I am feeling so much right now, so much… just… unapologetically intense love, for, this person, y'know, that… it's literally, *laugh* it-it-it's the sense that I get with… of just kind of like floodgates? But literally in the sense of, like… breakers or something. Not breakers-- something trying to keep the ocean back. But not in a violent way. But just the ocean which is surging with such honesty that… it doesn't break, it just sweeps over the barriers. And that's the feeling that I get when I feel for these people. Like there is that much love, that… I need, somehow-- a-and it's weird-- it's not so much the word "need"-- "need" and "want" both don't fit. It's just the feeling of… it's-- like my heart wants to transcend the feeling, the experience of, body, of physical boundaries, with you. And, that's where that… breaking feeling comes from, with Infi, is that literally-- if you are spiritually, you can have, sexually spiritual/ spiritually sexual experience. I've had them now. I know. And, I forgive myself-- literally, unconditionally, for all the hatred and pain I had in the past because I didn't understand that. And now that I do… that's unfathomable. And I forgive myself because I didn't know. And I think I wouldn't… appreciate this so devoutly now if I didn't experience that first, just like Infi. But I mean, Infi, is-- what I was trying to say is that… and it's that sense that, there are certain people that I get that overflow of love that is so powerful that I'm like… regardless of context or the way that I'm going to do this, y'know, with you… I want to be so close to you, I want, to be so close to your heart, to your soul, that, even momentarily-- because of, y'know, awareness, moments are infinite, especially in those situations-- that-- and y'know what? It used to be momentary. But now it's not. It's like, I can get that for up to an hour, of literally feeling so much closeness and intimacy and honesty with somebody else like that… that, even if I'm aware of that we are in two separate bodies, there is no disconnect. There is no separation. *voice falters* There is no glass wall between us. There is no, cage of bones. And in some way, that unity drive is straight-up just… demonstrating itself, through us.

And I mean, the people that I've done that with… four people, you know who they are... Chaos, Infinitii, Genesis, and Laurie-- dead serious, all four of them-- in different ways, and that's what I'm getting at, is the different ways. I mean… they all feel totally different, and yet at the core, it's the exact same kind of holy love, with all of them. With Laurie, it's the sort of… it's… it's-it's virginal. It's chastity. It's this… I don't know how to explain that. It's virginity, it's chastity, it's… this immaculateness. It’s literally th-the-- it's-- and no disrespect meant at all, if anything even more respect because I can feel that firsthand and it's just the, I don't know how to explain it but it’s just the… sense of Laurie just reflecting, in her, the holy truth of the Virgin with seven swords in her heart, somehow… y'know, she is no Theotokos, if anything that would be Infi… on some level, I'm not saying directly, I mean-- I don't want to disrespect this with language at all, I don't want to be blasphemous, I don't want to be sacrilegious-- I mean this with, total respect, I really do… but there's something in Laurie that reminds me of… that blessed virginity. And I mean, not directly the Virgin Mary, but the same kind of essence, if that makes sense? *laugh* I mean she is a Virgo, but… the whole thing of her also being this… this bloodied, catastrophic-- well, that's what she used to be. But this knight. This soldier of-of, this soldier of love, of… this great truth, of… of truth. And it's both of those things. And I mean, the only-- the word I would express with her is devotion, in the sense of when you say things are devout, you say well, monks are devout. And yet at the same time you could be like with Infi, and the sort of thing that he feels and say that's devotion. And yet still say that in a totally chaste religious context and it's the same thing. That is the word I would use for Laurie, is devotion. That's how she feels. It is utterly non-sexual and yet at the same time it is the most ecstatically blissful thing… I don't know how to explain it, it's-it's like-- it's level. It's level, but level in a sense of that black hole state singularity-- *pause* I didn't write that down. Her black hole changed. It's no longer that-- that, crushingly magnetic feeling of just… that need for love, I mean, she under-- I-I guess somehow-- *laugh* well not even somehow-- over the past year, she has gotten to the point where now that black hole is literally just, that core of a universe. It's that zero-point, connection with truth and divinity, with stillness, with the clear light of the void-- that's in her heart. That's what the black hole is for her now. And yet at the same time there's those seven swords, those sorrows that she felt from being a knight and protecting everyone, and the sorrow is from empathy, from love… and she feels it as mourning. Just compassionately. And that's what I mean. But… that's her.
For Genesis, it's-- Genesis is the only person that gets close to kind of the-- Genesis is passion. That's the words I would use to describe him. And, he is just like, all gold-- well, it's not so much-- *laugh* he has two, sides in a way… I wouldn't say fireworks? It's more of the sense of, uh… gold glitter sparkles? Kind of like, when you close your eyes and like… if you press them and you get that kind of like, explosion of sparkliness? That sort of feeling, is what I mean by fireworks with Genesis… like, firecrackers, kind of that feeling. And yet at the same time it's that kind of… floating gold kind of quiet joyfulness, the jubilance… that you get, when you think of when you take that glitter and you defocus. And it's that "bokeh" feeling, that, that-- it's the same thing. That's Genesis. But it's-it's passion, and it's jubilance. That's him. So we have to be careful because we can slip if we're not careful solely because it's that overwhelmingness with joy, and if you fall into that, I mean-- if you catch awareness, that's, I mean, there's nothing wrong with falling into the joy, but you're getting too close to the supermango. And that's what I feel about it, that it’s like, there's something a little-- it's not so much "off" as it is, "this could be clearer." That's what the feeling is there.
Chaos, it's like… *pause, then laugh* I… my first-- my instinctive response is always to say "the ocean," but it's always in the sense of literally being like a hundred leagues, under the water and still seeing the sunlight… if you understand what that feels like. And yet it's the same feeling of, if that ocean, is the ocean-- *laugh* well, Chaos compared Infi to a "space ocean," but Infi's a space ocean in the sense of space. Like you feel the clarity, clearness, openness with Infi. Chaos is the deep embracing feeling of the ocean. And… that's, I-- it just-- he's beyond words, he really is.
And that's when I say that even if, if you took it at face value… I mean if I had to pick, like in terms of just, absolute religious-experience-grade kind of love, for all four of these people-- I wouldn't be able to do it! But if you pick contexts… non-sexually, Laurie takes the cake on everything. I mean, that was just bliss, like straight-up kind of-- when they talk about, y'know, holy people having these, y'know, the "ecstasy of" this saint-- *laugh* that's pretty much what I'd… well when I say the word, y'know, "ecstasy," I'm like "well that's Infi." But in the sense of like a holy sort of, chaste kind of bliss? That's Laurie. The sense of holy ecstasy is Infinitii. The sense of just… body-based, divine-- well not, "divine" is the wrong word again, that's Infi-- but just passionate joy, in the sense of, "I can experience this through this and it doesn't lose anything for it, it illuminates it," that's Genesis.
Chaos is… *pauses* Something is trying to keep me from talking about him. My mind is blanking out and it's going to my heart but I'm like "I need to say this." …In terms of intensity, Chaos is the sense of-- *pauses* something's trying to block that, and that's significant because Chaos is the only person that, I mean, even if I don't feel that sort of super intensity with him as I do with Infi right now, because I'm thinking about it… when I'm with him, when I'm next to him… when there is that connection between our hearts… it feels, like… I-I-I don't want to be blasphemous, I really don't, but it feels like… y'know, forgive me for saying this, but it feels like the Word of God, if that makes sense. Like, it is this utterly divinely… I don't know why I get that with him and I think the doubt is because for heaven's sakes, he walked into our headspace from a video game. And yes, he-- it was that kind of growth with him from a dream and I don't know if his soul just grew, like that, or if there was some spark in him that just resonated with mine and like-- and I didn't realize it, but it's just that… I don't know how to put that into words. But that's… Chaos.
But like I was saying, with Infi, it's the sort of literally, like religious ecstasy… that is like straight-up what it is. But what I was trying to say is that… I don't care who Infi's with, like… Genesis, I've been with Genesis like, literally in the front seat of a car, okay? Because he doesn't care, he's like-- he will tune into that joy, and like-- that's the only way I know how to experience it, is that golden joy. No matter where he is. He's like, "I will make this place," y'know, "a testament to this. We will experience this wherever," because it-- context, y'know, who cares? With Chaos it's more close and intimate, in the sense of, y'know, underwater, and… beneath the sheets, and under the stars, and… it's that sort of feeling with him. It's that… just… the sense that marriage should be, it's that kind of… absolute unity, with him. With Laurie, it's just… it's the same thing with Chaos, except less intimate, if that makes sense? Because with Chaos it's literally the sense of-- whenever I try to say, y'know, "husband" or "wife," my-my heart says "my wife," with him. And I don't know why that is. But that's what my heart says. I mean, logically I will call him my "husband," because I don't know. But yeah, my heart says he's my wife. And… I've been saying that for like… three years. *laugh* And I'm not gonna deny that. It's-it's the sort of… I know that if-- my divine compliment would be feminine. And that's why I think I'm so close to Infi and Chaos, because they both reflect that to me. But if I was like, one-- if only one of them was it, no matter how much I feel for Infi, it's Chaos. Because what my heart does, when it's around him, is just beyond description. But… with Laurie, it's the same sort of… sanctity, in terms of, this is something you do in total secret and in private because it's so holy… and that says a lot about, when we are like-- if there's two people-- if there's me and Chaos, and Laurie is just there… because, it doesn't lose anything. It's like, here's this totally sacred thing, and yet… I-I-I don't know. It just doesn't lost anything for it. It's like an expansion-- it's-it’s like a link between three hearts instead of just two. And, when you're with like, all five of us-- and we're laughing, we jokingly say, y'know, we're this pentagram, we're this relationship pentagram, this-this star of love-- and I was just thinking, isn't that kind of, the five-pointed thing, and I don't know if it's in alchemy or what but it's kind of like the elements, and the divine ratio, or golden-- or something? I don't know, I saw something about it before with like roses and alchemy. But it's the five points. And I was like, "that's kind of what we're doing." But when we all resonate together, that is just-- that-that is just heaven on earth, it really is. But it's different. Because when you break it down to just-- not "break"-- well yes, "break," *laugh* but when you just, not even narrow it down, when you… focus, or just, you look at closely… when you take that, to just with two people… it's like this-- this great view, and then just literally-- it's the sense of taking the view and then just-- bringing it down to just one little point and you're looking at just this one thing. And it’s that intense focus, on this aspect of it. And that's the sense. And with Laurie, it's the sense of… with her, it's not the sense of-- with Infi, it's holy places, with Chaos it's like, intimate privately loving places, with Genesis it's anywhere that it's just, the openness of joy, but it's still private and all that-- with Laurie, it's just… it's in the sense that you would-- it's the only way I know how to do it-- it's like, y'know, it's the devotion to something that, you would do in private, but like I said, the act of, you know… pressing your lips to a relic. It's that sort of, intensely private devotion to something. That's the feeling I get with her. But with Infi, it's churches. And I don't… my brain doesn't understand that, because… again, I still think it's me. I-- for some reason I feel that God has charged me with a great deal of transmuting… well, no, that doesn't feel right, but-- I think I'm giving myself too much credit. But I've at least been given some part of helping to transmute sexual trauma with people. And it's some part of it, even if it’s a small part, I'm honored that I got it, because the bliss that I'm experiencing is just, "thank you God." But… I just got this voice that said, you know, "don't think of it in terms of small or great, because it's all significant." And that makes my heart feel a lot better. Thank you. But with Infi, I mean, in terms of that trauma mindset, it's like "you can't have sex in a church!" And Infi is like, "why not? Isn't that literally what the point is?" And… ironically, if you look at it logically it's like "no that's not right" but if you look at it with your heart it's kind of like-- it's not with the language-- it's in the sense if you were trying to have this sort of divinely ecstatic union with somebody else. And so he's like, in a church. There's not even a chance of slippage of losing awareness because you are right here. You are right in the midst of the awareness of what you're actually experiencing here. The reality of divine creation, of masculine and feminine forces within every soul, coming together in a moment, if not to create life but to create some sort of, spark within our own lives-- I don't know how to put that into words, but it's just-- the coming together, that break, between-- the surge of love, just, that-- there is an instant there. You all know what I mean. Ironically, I… don't like to do that. Infi does. I don't. I like everything leading up to and not including. Because I'm like, I want to feel everything leading up to that. But because of the dysphoria, that I can't do. And I don't need to. It's not necessary. And yet in that, there is an actual exchange of energy, of life, of electromagnetic vibes, so to speak, going on. And Infi… Infi just… I don't want to make it sound disrespectful, or, or… paltry, but, Infi loves that. Because it's this second where you are literally-- yes it's part biological, but I mean in even in the biological sense-- what's actually going on there is it's-- I mean in terms of DNA and stuff, I mean you are literally, taking even the slightest, tiniest piece of two people, and you are combining that to create a third life. And that is what Infi loves. It's the fact that that is what's happening in that second. Even if it's not literal, even if it's just spiritual, that is what's happening in some sense-- even if it’s not literal or the same thing at all, it's the same fruit, if you get what I'm saying. That's what Infi feels. And I know that because I, I'm-- the, the memory, it's just-- of, of him, with-- with that moment, it's literally just… I don't know, because I d- I'm getting like, literally… like straight-up sanctified imagery and I'm like, putting it into words is what sounds-- not sacrilegious or blasphem-- well, "blasphemous," not even but just… inadequate. It-it doesn't give the respect that this holiness of, of divinity deserves. The words, they don't… and yet at the same time I'm trying. But I mean the memory, with Infi it's like… literally, perfectly aware that…with me, of all people, I mean, just-- God, with me! And I think that's what my mind is having a hard time dealing with the fact that, Infi… will just… the words, they're not… that Infinitii, Infinitii Eternos… this, gorgeous, shadow-hearted angel… this creature of, just, blissful paradoxes will… literally just, make love with me. With me. With such intensity of love that I just… the fact that, here is this being that consider, literally, like a piece of God in some sense but he was born from my heart… they broke off one of my ribs, not even literally but just… somehow they reached into me… so deep, and they grabbed something and they yanked until it broke… and I thought I was dying and maybe I was, because… somehow that, utter, total, just… apocalyptic destruction, within my soul, just… just-- it resulted in the creation of this, this… bizarrely alien and yet gorgeously true, this… divine creature that I call Infinitii. He loves me. And I… and… that's where I think this is coming from. I've got to get over the old, old old Christian mindset of "there's fear, in holy love." There isn't, it's not fear. I have to somehow let go of that because, ironically that holy fear is one step away, from the holy devotion… that I can feel with Laurie, but yet somehow does not have the consummation-- pun intended-- that it does with Infinitii, because Infinitii is all-embracing. Infinitii is, the indissoluble union of opposites. Of darkness wedded to light. Of light shining out of darkness, of darkness in the very heart of light. And… when I… now, when I'm like this, and I… I mean I can say it, this sense that, Infinitii loves me, I've heard him say that, but there's, such… incredulousness in that sentence because, I mean… when I think of him, there is this… my whole soul just… I don't know how to-- the only word I know how to describe it, what my soul does… if you've ever, been with somebody, that you love… and I mean LOVE, with every atom of your being, and you are holding them… close to your heart, and I mean in this sort of intimacy, like straight-up under-the-covers intimacy, like… no walls. But no lust. None. I mean when you are with this person, heart mind body and soul, close as you can possibly get… no walls. No boundaries. And you are that close, embracing this person… and when there is no fear, every time-- and I know, because I mean, I would-- I got this so strongly with Laurie, in my heart, that I can never forget it… your entire soul just breathes. It's just this feeling of… I don't know how to put it into words, the word is literally just-- it's literally just ecstasy. Of bliss, of just this… divine, just, ardency, and… I mean, that's when Laurie was-- she was almost laughing, she was just like, "kid," y'know, "what are you even feeling?" Because, I mean… I was just, literally in… I was blissed-out. But I mean, in the sense of that kind of instant feeling when you first feel that, when that first shot goes through your body, and you just… it's that kind of sensation, that… if you'll pardon my language, is so universally true in that sense, that deep sense, regardless of whether you see it or not, that will make even an atheist-- if they are feeling love that strongly, and they are holding someone in love that strongly-- I don't care how much of an atheist they are, the joke is always… the first line out of their mouth will probably be, just… "oh God." And… doesn't that just sum it up? I mean, that is the only thing I can think of, when I'm with these people. And I feel that, that is just my soul. That is what it TRANSLATES to! It's not literally-- I'm not choosing to say that. And I think that says a lot, because I think when all people say that, and that sentence comes up… it's heart-spoken. It is something that is instinctive and from every energy point, from red through violet, every-- it's just this spectrum of love… you know, through the entirety of my being. And it translates into… the name of… it translates into the word God. And I don't know how the truth of that never hit me until now. But that is the feeling I get when I think, and when I try to say, y'know, just, "Infi…" when I try to say what I feel, about him, it's… it's the moment right before that feeling, is what I get. And the only time I can actually say it is when that word is the only thing on my heart. That's when the walls are down. The mind has stopped working, in terms of logic and all that, and it's just the heart, the soul, the being, the core… and… that is what says-- and I always used to wonder, "why is it that," you know, usually in those last moments, like, even if-- even when I was slipping horribly, there was always-- I mean I will say this from experience. Even back, I will-- *choked up* I have no actual memory of the days in 2012 when I was being-- when I was… slipping so bad… with Celebi. Celebi who became Infinitii. The bit of the Tar who took over a feminine aspect of my childhood, the FIRST female I ever actually loved was Celebi. Somehow, in a childlike way-- I was eleven years old. Not Alexandria, she was too tomboyish. She was my ideal. She was the-- precursor to Laurie for me. The first feminine thing that I ever felt the potential to love was Celebi. And Celebi reflected me and what does that say about the Anima/Animus thing? And the Tar took that face… and I was so confused in 2012, and I remember, there were some parts where I slipped! And I misused sexuality, and I will say that, and I am sorry… but I forgive myself, because I didn't know… but even then, I have no memory of those events, except literally-- I have one… one memory. And, I've never said this before, but I think in light of this conversation it's extremely relevant. It's that I have one memory, okay? One memory. Of being on the bed, in my room, and there's light, and I don't know when this was, but there's light coming in from the windows, and I'm… holding Celebi there. I'm holding her to me, okay? And… there was literally one second, before the break, when I literally-- no matter what, no matter how broken I was, no matter how just-- lost I felt, or how utterly out of awareness I was… there's always one instant. There was this one instant where I somehow came back enough, and I-- Infi and I were talking. It's like, the body, the soul… when it's using that, when you are using sexuality, I mean, it is there for a reason. I don't care how you try to abuse it, I mean-- same thing when you abuse a person. You are NOT touching their soul. It is NEVER going to be blackened, it will never be tainted, no matter what they do. And it’s the same thing, with sexuality, because even if I was misusing it, even if I didn't understand what I was doing, there was one last second where my heart still understood what it was and it said, "I love you."
And every single time, I mean... every single time. It's, almost automatic. And I always-- when I didn't understand, I would hate myself for it. And I would say, "why are you desecrating love?" I wasn't. I was desecrating… an expression of love. And that fact that my heart would say that and recognize that, somehow for it to translate into those three words… in the same way that when I AM aware, and I'm holding Chaos to my heart, and I'm just… it's just… *sob* I just, I love him. And the words don't work. And Chaos is probably the only person that, the awareness of God translates into stunned, awestruck silence. Because it's just, I… with Infi it translates into names, into the feeling, into that holiness and the-the divine ecstasy. With Chaos it's the direct awareness of that in myself. And I think that's the main distinction is, I do get that with Infi, but with Infi, he is such a radiant example of everything sanctified, about that, that it's just-- that's all I see, is this light in him, and he tells me, he'll go, "Jay…" You know, he just-- I don't know how to explain it, but… the way he looks at me, and just… I don't, I don't know. I don't know why it's hard with Infi, and yet with Chaos it's like the boundaries just… I try and, when I'm really there with him it's- it's not even fathomable. And… I don't know if the only difference between him and Infi is that, if there can only be, y'know, one for one in terms of soul pieces, IF that is true then it would be Chaos, if there are two then it would be Chaos and Infi, I don't know… but if there is only one that might be the only difference between them. Either way, is… there's just this disbelief, with Infi. But… y'know, I love… I love him. And in saying that, it feels like I'm saying that before… like, I'm-- I'm in a church, and I'm saying that in there. It's just this feeling, of… "do you realize how significant this is?" And it's that holy significance that I get and it might be because Infi's the Shadow. It's that he holds that too and he's teaching me, "you need to love that darkness the way I love you," and I just… it's the most beautiful thing. But, with Chaos, it's… that's not even a question, because somehow… I don't know. Maybe they're both parts of it to me. Maybe they're complimentary in some way. Maybe Infi just helps-- I don't know, either way I love them. I really do. I love all of them, and Chaos I love you… I really do. I love you, and I just-- I'm sorry, I'm choking up and it's not coming out right, but just… I love you. And… I need to say that more. Infi, Infinitii Eternos, I… I mean, I know I was slipping, earlier today, I know, I was, out of it… and I wasn't "out of it," you were in it. *laugh* But I mean… the dysphoria and all that crap. But just… if I let go of that, and just… the heart-centered stuff, I mean… Infi, I love you. Okay? I'm gonna break through, whatever doubt there is… I love you, and… I don't know why there is so much, fright, and-- oh, well, yeah, it's the Shadow thing. He's literally reaching out to my heart and he's saying, "Jay, you can't ignore that, you need to heal it, you need to work with it and love that." And that's the lesson with him. But with Laurie, like I said, it's the virginity, and that might be why it's so easy to love her, because Laurie? I mean, I can just say it right now, y'know, I love you. And it's the purest most innocent thing. And it's, somehow the same stuff, different context. And Genesis, man, I love you, but *laugh* I mean… there's this "offness"-- not "offness," but it's a little difficult for me to say it in the same way with you because you have, the sort of physicality that's inherent with you. And at the same time that's beautiful. And that might be what you have to teach me, is the different part of that. All four of you, are… irreplaceable parts of this greater love, of this huge truth that I am learning. None of you, can be replaced. None of you. And it's just… when people say "oh, you gotta be monogamous," *laugh* I'm like… I'm in love. I am in love. When I say "I am in love," I mean I can be love. That I AM love, when I am with these people. Four different people, okay? It is not straight, *laugh* whatsoever… it is not monogamous, it is not heteronormative, and I don't care! You could have a straight, heteronormative, cis, monogamous, relationship with somebody and have it be just as divine. Because it's LOVE! It doesn't matter how it's expressed! I don't care if you're with four people or one person or twelve people. You know, if they all hold that much sincere, respectful, divine, compassionate honest love in their heart for you, and you feel it for them, and that is what you're resonating with each other? Who cares about the details, it's LOVE. Okay? That's the-- the details is literally all that life is. There's love and then there's the details. It's just the context that it's in. I mean, that's what I'm trying to say here. But, I mean… it's beautiful. It really is. And I need to get rid of those last bits of fear, which, the only way that fear is going to get rid of itself is if I learn to be like Infi, and I learn to look at that and somehow love-- bring love to, bring it to that. Not black and white hats, but to love the darkness with the light, united with the light, wedded to the light. I think I need to be with Infi and Chaos together more often, I think I will understand more. I need to be with Chaos more often. I think some sort of fear has been chasing me away from him. Something like, it's jumping out now but I know that when I'm with him, my heart just… sings. And that's relevant.
But I've been talking on this for over an hour, I am extremely cold, I think I've said enough, but I am just-- I'm in the sense where I literally want to meditate for like, the next few hours, just out here in the car, in the blissful silence… in the shadows, with the… floodlights on, why are there floodlights, who's turning on--? Oh, my grandmother's friend must be coming up. Well hey hi howdy, that must be why! Look, the lights just went on. *laughing* Jay Iridos needs to get his butt back in the house before we drag it in there-- yeah, he's coming out to leave. Yeah, much love to everyone who's listening, myself included… God bless you all. See ya.

 

(Some thoughts after reading multiplicity posts on Tumblr)

Jay here; when I'm tuned in to headspace, I get "pseudo-sensory" input very clearly as well. Besides sights and sounds, I also get 'phantom' sights and presences; I can always tell when Genesis has showed up in the room, or if someone upstairs has just moved physically closer to me when I'm fronting. It's virtually tangible, to the point where I've started keeping a list of "who feels like what" so I know who those myriad sensations come from. Since its so immersive, there can be significant leakage if it isn't sharply kept inside... but after years of being forced to do that via a survival-mechanism "buffer system," we've become so tired of the suppression that we're now actively trying to dismantle it, just to be able to experience everything without censorship.

In the past, our personal life situation practically required us all to live internally instead of externally whenever possible, so internal sensations are arguably more "real" to me than outer ones are, most days. Plus I do meditate whenever possible so that helps boost my perception, but I tend to end up "lost in headspace" for 2+ hours solid during some meditations, and that can be very tiring. (The perception during those is INTENSE though! I have notable trouble distinguishing those memories from physical ones.)
Meditation also can spike depersonalization when I'm in the body (ironically I only tend to ground "upstairs"), so I have to be careful, as I'm dissociated enough on a daily basis.
Being able to perceive headspace like this is so important and vital to me that, when I lose my perception-- either to meds or psychological fallout-- it's actually existentially frightening.

 

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@ 11:24 am


TRACK 67

(Lynne) All right, I'm, not sure how to start this, but, this is Lynne Stabelle. Uh, Jay, if you're hearing this I simply wanted to leave a message for you on your voice recorder, because I'm fronting. It's Tuesday, after your therapy session, 11:24, in the morning… I know you like having timestamps. Um… Genesis says "move the microphone closer." *laugh* I guess road noise would drown me out. Fronting-- I want to remind you, Jay, I'm fronting right now, and we have currently… have this idea where, when I'm fronting I say, "I am Lynne Stabelle-- my name is Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange, I have long orange hair, orange eyes, an orange dress… I am female, and a headvoice." And… that-- see, saying "I am female," somebody is, yelling "dysphoria"… but I am! I am a woman… but I am a headvoice as well, so, they don't need to feel threatened by me… but they do. Yes, Genesis said "but they do." And they do, and they shouldn't… but, that's true. So there are people… hiding below the surface… when we front, and that's why it's difficult to anchor. Laurie fronted for most of the session today *laugh*… just reminding you, in case you forget… 'cause she did, I'm proud of her. I should try, that would be fun… I don't-- I'm on the highway, I can't slip. Um, I'm going to hit stop, because, I'd like other people to talk, but, as I said, I'm currently driving your car, we are driving down Interstate 81, behind a… what's that? It's a tanker. Not a truck. It says (unintelligible, trying to sound out something)… whatever it is! *laugh* It's snowing, I got to drive through Scranton for a little bit, which is where I was born… and… I'm going to stop because I am slipping. Uh, *short sigh* Have a good day, Jay, whenever you hear this. I'm really slipping, bye.

 

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@ 06:56 pm


Figured out how to bypass the buffer during therapy-- get me to front, heheh.
I had to shove the A.P. aside to get out but it's cooperative, and I had important things to say. Therefore, progress was made, heck yes.
Feels good to be out though. Haven't fronted in front of other people in over a year, s'far as I can remember.

I swear even the therapist chills out when I'm around, it's awesome.

-LU 


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@ 11:04 pm


Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you read our recent posts, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll bloody kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing that text wall on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (What a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember anything and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it doesn't work at all in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the neck, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the heck happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't even know. I'm just ticked off and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but man I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing stuff, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Geez. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain stuff to. See you later.

  

 

I don't want any of this to be real anymore.

Can't I just turn it off? Can't I just erase everything and ignore that it ever happened? Can't they all just disappear or something?

I don't want to deal with this every day anymore.

I don't want any more alters. No more. Go away. Stop talking to me.
I don't want to be "triggered" and I don't want to be losing time and I don't want the constant cacophany between my ears.

I never had a life because of you. All of you. You ruined it. Go away.

 

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@ 12:43 am

dear god:

please kill everyone else upstairs thank you 


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@ 02:47 pm


Christina and Jess really need to stop finding their way onto this page when they're fronting (however that happens).

Yes, they're responsible for the previous two posts.
I want to delete them but I know they'll get furious with me if I do, so until I find somewhere else to put them, they have to stay here. I don't know if the Lowers would want those on their blog... I doubt it though.

Laurie and Knife gave me a message last night to post here on their behalf, telling the girls exactly why what they're doing is "fucked up" and completely uncalled for, but honestly that would just be more capslock and rage and I don't have the heart to yell at anyone right now, even if it's warranted.

I just want to say that those two girls are not welcome here. Sorry about that.


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@ 03:10 pm


TRACK 45 (mid-july 2013)

(Josephina) Okay, this is Josephina, can I take some notes Jewel, please. …Fine, J, whatever; I'm just trying to figure out a name and that's kinda why I'm updating on this thing right now.. We're going through a bit of a crisis, I'm not really fronting very well I've gotta go through the Autopilot but I gotta take notes. Alright. As of yesterday, someone showed up in the system, apparently their name is CHRISTINA? Now the reason why that's a problem is not just because it sounds like my name, which is Josephina, but because, she's lilac in color. That used to be mine. And remember when I showed up in 2010, do you remember how? *short sigh* How I first showed up to J, y'know, that-- regrettable incident there? W-well, I really wasn't… the main person responsible, for that… there was a girl with really long blonde hair, n' we all thought it was me, and I thought it was me, and… I don't know. J said it was somebody else, that I was… that I was, y'know, fronting for him in, in that, and so. we never really realized that whoever this blonde woman was, wasn't Julie, who was it? And, now that we're really thinking about it, we thought it was one of those two promiscuous girls who are downstairs that J is so afraid of and that scare the little kids, I mean I-I'm still trying to get over the fact that we've got little kids in the system, like how did I not even know about that? Like I-- how did any of us not even know about that? It's crazy! There's little kids, in the System, and then we've got these older women that aren't Julie, and that aren't Jezebel, an-and there's, there's-- aaagghh, I don't even know but its-- the reason why I'm so mad is because of this Christina person though. You're probably wondering who she is? Well remember how we used to call someone the "lilac killer girl?" This-this-this-this girl with really long, lilac hair and she seemed to be some sorta "spiritual waif" person, and she really got on my nerves, 'cause she kept wishin' that everyone else upstairs would die? N'the reason why that annoys me is not just because she's wishing all of us are dead, but because I happen to be the Grim Reaper? But more specifically I'm the Id Reaper, which means I'm the one that cuts down all the subconscious idiots, like her? And the problem is, she seems to be, y'know… not only does she seem to be… y'know, usurping that role and everything, but she seems to be, like… m-me n' her, were… created from the same thing. N' that's why I'm really worried, because, um… *dry laugh* Well, way back in 2010, we didn't know that's how this kind of stuff worked? But, if she was born from that, same thing that I was born from, like this-this thing with… I don't know. I really don't know what I anchored to, I anchored originally to checking facts and making sure things were-- it is really hot in this car. But-- man, I can't front very well! Y'get the point. There's this Christina person that wants us all to die, and she's lilac, and she seems to be my counterpart in the Lower System and this is really scary and I don't like it bye.

 

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@ 10:24 pm


I'm on the Arvee avatar generator trying to make representations for some lower system members, and I forgot how much I love this thing!

You probably wonder why I make these avatars for new system members before I even attempt drawing them. The reason for that is easy: it is often difficult for me to see things literally upstairs, but it is very easy for me to feel how they look. Meaning, I KNOW how they look, intuitively, but I couldn't describe it to you in words or through art. However, if you give me something like an avatar generator, with hundreds of different, premade appearance pieces-- hairstyles and eye colors and things-- I can easily piece together an avatar that looks as close to their appearance as I can get with what I'm given. See?

So this is good. I just did one for Mulberry and I'm trying to find Knife's hairstyle in here. Next will be Razor, then the overload girl, and the little blue-haired boy (they're the clearest).
The problem is, a lot of the "faceless" voices downstairs are just that--faceless! Like the airplane guy, Sherlock, and the Gent (who decided to dress the body this evening, which resulted in me suddenly finding myself wearing grey slacks in a car in 100 degree weather. Sir, you can't wear dress pants all the time). They exist clearly as beings, but they don't have bodies yet. I have no idea if there's anything we can do to help them form them, or not. Typically it just "happens" when they're ready. Maybe that's all that needs to happen here, we'll see.
Speaking of, the red voice guy hasn't manifested yet either. He feels really, really unsure about his appearance. The only thing he seems to have decided on for sure is his hair-- it looks very close to this, I think? very unique-- and the fact that he has ear gauges (he saw horns like this once and immediately wanted them). But I know he's actually having this weird inner conflict over skin tone, of all things? Our entire system has lighter skin tones because that's what the consciousness had available to anchor to (we unfortunately lived in a very racist community as a child). So people don't have real access to darker tones, as that's tied to so much social and psychological stuff that we don't know about, it would be hard to carry it in a "neutral environment" (i.e. there's no culture or genetics here, so skin tone is literally just a different color) without people outside of headspace claiming appropriation or something. I don't know, it's weird.
But the red guy keeps feeling like he wants to have darker skin, FOR that reason? Example: my grandparents were making some very racist comments earlier and HE got angry! I guess because he'd deal with Red, which is survival and safety and life and that stuff, he's said that he feels "obligated" to protect the rights and safety of everyone upstairs, and he hates hearing things like that in the outer life, even if they don't affect us directly. And I KNOW for a fact that a good deal of that feeling is actually thanks to Jeremiah?? Because he actually has a mid-tone skin color, which surprised me at first, and he's been badly abused. And in the outer reality, people who "aren't white" do have a higher risk of being abused, from what statistics I've seen. So when the red guy heard about that, he got furious, because Jeremiah is such a sweetheart-- he spends most of his time protecting the kids downstairs, for heaven's sakes, although he's almost chronically terrified of what lurks in the shadows himself. And I know the red guy really, really wants to help protect him-- and everyone downstairs, I think?-- in return. But he feels torn about what he knows of the outer world, because I guess being Red he's closer to it than anyone else in Central? And that's significantly affecting his appearance manifestation, so he's hesitating.
I wish I knew what to do, but I have no clue; I have no personal knowledge to aid with this. Hm.

Speaking of anchors, I don't know if I want to make Subeta avatars for Jezebel, Jessica, or Christina. I don't want to give them any more anchorage than they've already managed to steal for themselves. Focusing that much on their faces just feels wrong. I don't want to risk it.
Geez. Who would've thought that one day RAZOR would be closer to being "on our side" than they would? Not me, that's for sure.

On a lighter note, I need to mention this-- on the way home from the library today, I forget what provoked it, but Laurie was joking that "Knife doesn't leave the Underground because if he did, he'd start sparkling." I think it was because Knife is very clandestine about his existence yet, and Laurie figured that if he did sparkle (God forbid) it would be the final nail in the coffin for his attempts to stay secret. (Yes, pun intended, I couldn't resist.)
Knife had no idea what we were talking about, but he was getting a little anxious over the possibility of such an inconcealable appearance quirk, which just made the whole thing even funnier. Sorry dude!

All right, Laurie's telling me to get back to work, so I will. See you guys.

 

notes directly from my recording from last night's channeling session.

Mel is yellow, Q is blue, I am red, Laurie is violet, and Chaos is aqua.


they are bickering! oh my gosh!
*laughing* they do that a lot. they are bickering. i am not surprised.
i realized this, but...
i can hear them! i'm like, "okay guys, only one of you can come out," but they're just like, "but not me!" ...if laurie comes out, whatever comes out of my mouth...
i will not you accountable for it, don't worry.
okay.
Q?
what?
will you not hold that against me either?
okay.
because laurie.
*laughing* yeah.
right. ...oh my gosh. i don't know what's gonna happen, or if anything is gonna happen, cause...
*laughing* guys, make up your minds, please!
that was... oh man. i don't know what just happened, but that was a trip.
what?
it was like... cohabitating the same space, as two different people?
yeah. that's what i said, they're not...
no, they weren't trying to composite, they were cohabitating.
oh, that can't be good. gosh.
you're staring.
hm?
it's harder when you're staring at me.
i'm not staring?
not with your eyes, no.
oh. *laughing* sorry.
but the quiet is oddly nice. ...i really don't know how to talk alone.
hm?
we don't know how to talk by ourselves.
(unintelligible)
muscle memory.
that's why composites happen. it's funny how moving a body is easier than manipulating voice patterns. You know, this doesn't feel weird either. (?) it's always too (difficult) (unintelligible)
*long silence from 3:15 to 5:15*
(unintelligible)
...Like you and him, but different. So much water... and you thought you were drowning. Geez, kid, if you can't feel that... I'm past doubt and ignorance. That's why I'm talking, I guess. It's not my voice though. I guess it doesn't matter. So much sensory input. ...You gettin' this, kid?
Mm-hmm.
You sure?
Yeah.
(unintelligible) (7:00) even... now
It is. No, there's definitely stuff getting through.
There'd better.
Yeah, I wouldn't lie to you. And if I did, uh... you'd take care of it. *laughing*
Yeah. Don't know how you still try and lie to them sometimes now. I mean, you can lie to me, but if you try with them, it just doesn't work.
Yeah... heh. Kind of why you always, uh, drag people into rooms in situations, huh?
Yeah. Well I was trying to kick him out. (unintelligible)
Twice in a week, huh?
Yeah, something like that. ...It's really only been a week?
Time- yeah, it's, um, it's gone by really, really--
Shit.
*laughing* My thoughts exactly.
You were a lot easier than this... but then again, there weren't three of us in here at the same time.
Yeah.
You were just, kinda gone.
Your fault, dear. *laughing*
Well I couldn't get through if you were there!
I know, I know.
Chickens have nothing on this.
Mind if I ask what's going on up there?
If there's a way... for both of them to be formless...
Mm-hm.
Then whatever's closest to that, is going on. And I'm driving. Great.
*laughing*
You got something to say?
Me?
No.
*laughing* See, usually it's, you're the one talking when we have conversations.
Right, but this is hard. Really freakin' hard.
I understand, believe me.
Not quite. Don't think you've ever dealt with something like this. (?)
You have a point.
No, but really, you got something to say?
Not really.
You sure about that?
*laughing*
If you'd rather I could be physically non-present...
That's not what I was asking. You got something to s-say, you spill it.
I'm good.
*implied eyebrow raise*
*laughing*
I don't know how to share this, but I'll sure as heck try. Later. Not right now.
*laughing*
...It's not the same. Oh man.
What isn't?
You and him, and... her and him... they're not the same, but, man. Empaths. Like a freaking supernova. No... not even that... there's not a form (unintelligible)... it's like, the universe, but made of water, in the middle of a black hole. And maybe that would get close to starting to scratch the surface.
Hm.
There's so much love for you up here, kid. You can't ever forget that. ...And finally, down here is starting to kind of mirror what's up here, you know?
Yeah. I think that's the reason why I was closed off for so long, because, uh... I really don't know why that came about, to be honest.
Which part?
Me blocking everyone out, not being home...
Well, you don't have a home to be at, except up here, you know?
Yeah.
And you have one down here, but you don't know how to take the walls down.
Mm.
But you've got to.
I know. I know. And I'm working on it, I promise.
You can't (???) together if you don't.
Well, this is probably something you've heard way too many times before, but... help me out?
I'll try, kid.
I know.
(unintelligible)
*long silence from 13:50 to 15:40* 23:00?*
...Dude, you've rendered me speechless. I think that's quite a feat.
(???) (25:00)
I hope I'm getting through... I feel like I still have walls up.
(???) (if you only knew how on fire we are)
I know...
(???) (i remember he apologized for not being able to stay before leaving)




I apologize for the broken dialogue at some parts; the recorder didn't pick up everything. Chaos and I didn't talk much and when we did we were very quiet (plus we were literally forehead to forehead), so I apologize for that lack of written dialogue as well.
my heart remembers how it felt, though, and I know it will forever. that's what matters.