track 04

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

TRACK 04 (august 21st 2014)

(Jay) It is August 21st, it’s a Thursday, we are out of therapy, this is Jay, hello. Um… things that I realized in therapy today. *laugh* We were discussing… mindsets, unhealthy/healthy whatever. What I took-- let's put it this way. Here's what I took out of the session. Most important thing I can remind myself is… I am my own person, I am a unique expression of God, so to speak… y'know, I am my own facet of this great universal gem… I am not obligated to copy anyone else, nor is anyone else obligated to copy me. If somebody else has an interest or a feeling or an opinion that is different than mine, that does not make it a sin for me to hold something different. That is not "causing conflict." There is a difference between conflict and-- what would you say, complimentation? A complementary thing? Different aspects? I mean, think about a piano and a violin. Uh, a piano is playing those strings very differently than a violin is playing its strings. They make different sounds. Does that mean that the piano is wrong, it's playing those strings wrong? No. It-- the way-- kind of music it makes, the kind of performance it has, is different than a violin. If you-- there is nothing wrong with saying, "no, I don't need the sound of a piano in this song, I need the sound of a violin. I'll use the violin." Or, there is also nothing wrong with saying "well, I'm not really a fan of the sound of a piano but I love the sound of violins." Problem is, my brain has basically learned through… association or repetition or whatever, that if I say "well, I'm not really a fan of a piano," or, "I don't really like the way a piano sounds," that translates to: "the piano is wrong. The piano is bad" I don't like it, that means it's bad, it's wrong, it shouldn't exist. That's not true! But, see, my brain can't understand what "dislike" means. "Dislike" means, "you're rejecting." And rejection means that you are basically saying "no, I don't want this thing to exist." And why else would you-- so that's how my brain works. My brain can't understand dislike. So when other people say "oh I dislike this," my brain is like, "you"-- my brain automatically thinks what they're saying is, "I would rather this thing not exist. I reject this thing." That's not what it means! But my brain says "well"-- so, so that's the thing. I struggle with the idea of disliking things. Which is why when I do dislike something *laugh*, like I'll say "well I dislike…" and it's, it's-- for me, it's, it's-- really, it's an innocent opinion. "I dislike…" let's say, model trains. Power Rangers. Stuff like that. Reasons why I had problems with Q and Mel. Q loves, his model train. He loves, y'know, his TV shows and his role-playing tabletop games and his videogames. He loves that stuff! And I'm like, "I can see why it's interesting." I-- on one level, on an intellectual level, I can definitely see why this is interesting, and I can appreciate it. It's cool. But I don't see-- that's the thing. "Like" and "dislike" are terms I don't like to use! So, I could say "well, it's not that I like it or dislike it, I am utterly neutral when it all comes down to it! I can say, "I see why this is interesting, I can see why you would like this, yes, definitely." But it's not for me! It doesn’t match with my strengths, with my personal interest groups or whatever. If I did it, I just wouldn't get any joy out of it. There's nothing wrong with that. I am not "morally flawed" for not enjoying putting together a model train set. but my brains says "no, you have to be able to enjoy everything." …I can't force myself to do everything on the planet and yet my brain says "yes you do." I don't. But it feels like that, I'm rejecting model trains. That anyone who-- and maybe that's a telltale sign. Maybe, maybe part of my brain is rejecting these things. Maybe part of my brain can't understand and so it, in a way, filters out people who like them? Because it feels that if I say I… because if I were to accept that other people like these things, automatically my brain would say, "uh-oh, you can't dislike that, you have to be one of these people who does it all the time." It's black or white thinking. That's-- that's the problem! I'm either rejecting myself, or I'm rejecting somebody else. That's how my brain sees it! Holy crap. That needs to be fixed. That's a very unhealthy mindset.
Okay! Number two, uh, that we need to figure out, and which actually plays into this. I was talking about the example of, the kind of reactions I-- I personally need from people? First off I'm going to say, it is NOT right, that is one thing that is morally not cool, is if I say "well"-- *pause, phone ringing* I don't know what that phone number is, I'm not going to answer it. Um, that's like saying, "I know I need this sort of reaction from somebody, so I'm going to pull their strings until I get that reaction." NO. Thing is, I know how to do that. I have enough experience and self-awareness to be able to toy with people if they're not paying attention. That's morally wrong. I don't want to do that. However I know how to do that to myself, that's the problem. All right let's not talk about this because I'm starting to slip into Plague territory. Okay. What I want to say is: I know what sort of reactions I need. I know if I'm not going to get that reaction from a certain person or whatever. So, in those situations, I have every right to say… I can get up and leave the situation. Like talking to Mel. I know I am not going to get the response I need from Mel. I'm not! I have the right to say, I would rather not talk to them about this. And my brain keeps telling me "no. You have to. You have to force yourself to talk to them." No! Because what good is that doing? The flaw is being put in me not wanting to talk to them because they don't, they can't give me the thing that I need. My brain is saying, "why the hell should you need a specific thing from them? You take what you get, and you shut your mouth." That's basically what I was taught to feel. And… I have to get over that moral quandary, because-- all right, let's give an example. The sort of support that I need I get from E. Like 100%. So I don’t need to talk to Mel about those things. But Mel is insisting they need to talk to me. So I have to view our relationship like that. I'm helping them, and I'm getting helped from somebody else. If I view it that way, y'know, no love lost anywhere, there's no problem! But, my brain keeps saying-- keeps feeling like I'm obligated to act a certain-- no one is obligated to do anything and I need to just-- that is an ugly word, get rid of that word, "obligation" is a very ugly word. Um… what else was I going to say. I'm starting to get… these words are very uncomfortable. What I wanted to say was-- the one thing I do need, that would basically keep me from getting into weird situations and uncomfortable situations with anyone else on the planet… what I ultimately need from every interaction ever, ever, is questioning to the nth degree. Which means you question, and you question, and you question till you can't question anymore and then you question some more! *laugh* It's basically… you analyze everything you're-- no. Analysis is the wrong word. It's more of… ask questions until you reach an answer that you don't have to have an answer for, if that makes sense? It's more of-- you get to the bottom of the things, you find the center of it, and then you know what you're doing. It- it's very much non-verbal. But that's what Xanga sessions are. That's what it used to be when I used to talk to Laurie, is that.. . I'd have a problem, I'd say "dude, look, this is the problem we're having, this is the concern we're dealing with. All right, now what?" I'm not looking for an answer! I'm looking for more questions! Everyone else who I talk to outside seems to think that I'm asking them to solve my problem. No! I'm asking you to add more questions to the bin *laugh* so we can solve these things! Like, Laurie would be like "okay"-- that's the-- right, I'm not even going to ask her. She says she needs an example. But that's basically the thing, we just need questions, questions, questions. So Xanga sessions need to start happening again, 'cause without them therapy is not going to get anywhere and it is bloody hot in this car, so I'm just going to stop talking and we will finish this later on.
Part two, forgive me. People-pleasing needs to stop, I need to find the mindset-- we're going to, again, have to question this until we find it. The mindset that that's born from. It's the feeling that as soon as another human being is in the vicinity, I have to drop everything I'm doing, everything, put on a smile, and basically go into the mindset of "oh, how can I help you? *laugh* What can I do to make you happy? What do you need from me?" Automatically assuming that all the attention is focused on me. And, one, the job enforced that, the original job that-- I don't know, that enforced that terribly, and I don't know if there's any household emphasis, don't know, doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that part of my brain is convinced that if a human being is around me I have to drop everything I'm doing and cater 100% ot their every whims. I'm not allowed to be an individual, is what it's telling me, and that's false. My brain is somehow hardwired to believe that when I'm around another person, I have to be almost in symbiosis? No, not even symbiosis. More like I have to be an extension of the other person. Because symbiosis implies that there are two individuals working in harmony. An extension implies that I am nothing more than a mirror, than a copycat, than a parrot to them. That I am mirroring back to them exactly what they are, what they want, et cetera. I am no longer a person. And I think that's why I don't… I kind of balk at the idea of channeling? Cause it's the idea of, "well regardless of why you incarnated here, you're no longer an individual. You're just our mouthpiece. You're an extension of us. You are no longer a person. You are just a radio that people can tune into to hear us talk. When we're not talking through you, you're just a dead radio set. You're nothing. You're an empty box until you get our signal." That's why-- that's why I'm iffy about it. But that's how I feel around other people. And that's a very toxic mindset and I've got to let go of it, but, yeah. Well figure this out. Not now, cause I'm sitting in a hot car, and whenever I'm talking out loud into a voice recorder it goes right back into that people-pleasing mindset. Because it's all very much action. That's a key thing! When I have time to sit and think, I get places. When I have this voice recorder in front of me, every pause is viewed as, "you're not supposed to be pausing. You're waiting their time. You have to fit the mold of somebody who's being a radio voice, of being a vlogger, of being somebody who's talking, making an audio file"-- it's fitting the context! And the context of these audio files is, "you keep talking. You keep the conversation up." And I don't like that, because then you can't think. I need break times. These things are just for saying the main thing, they're not for solving problems, because by virtue of talking, I cannot solve problems. While I'm talking, my brain is basically in… speech mode. I can't think. I can't think and talk at the same time, that is a fact. So I'm going to hit stop, now that these things are written down…and we'll figure this out later. Bye.