the spectrum heart cathedral system

browsing through ANCIENT entries earlier today, I saw this little survey:

YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT SOMEONE BY THE TYPE OF MUSIC THEY LISTEN TO.
HIT SHUFFLE ON YOUR MEDIA LIBRARY AND WRITE DOWN THE FIRST 20 SONGS. (23 for the new year)
ONE RULE: NO SKIPPING.

We haven't done something like this in a while, but the love & memories tied to our music are enough to break through the bleakest days. Let's go.

1. "Vertigo" (U2)
U2's music takes us to a very unusually bright place in our collective memory. Our dad introduced us to them during the jx7 time period, so their tunes are forever painted with that Celebi-summer feeling, driving down highways and finally being free of all social/online connections for the first time in years. It was liberating, and that vibe is what I still catch in this song. Blue skies and a wide-open future. Plus, we always smile at that "uno! dos! tres! catorce!" intro.
...Never actually read the lyrics for this before, though. Feels dystopic. Feels sadly like old headspace days. I guess that's ironically fitting, too-- because even during the upbeat time of our life this song echoes, there was something terrible happening where we couldn't, or refused to, see... everything we wish we didn't know, if you will.

2. "Pororororororo" (IMERUAT)
An unexpectedly heartwarming song. At first the lyrics sound childlike and silly, but the lovely string section suggests something more... so I looked it up, and it's about sharing a meal together. Yes, a triggering topic for us, but... only due to sad experiences. "Let's enjoy our meal, even if we eat alone." Our whole life we were taught that "enjoying" things, especially food, was not only sinful but animalistic, and utterly depraved. Family meals were stressful and rushed and angry as they were rare. We never ate with others in school, and eating in public with the family was always highly distressing and full of fear. So... there's something in this song that makes our inner child want to weep and angrily beat their fists off the wall, bitter and offended and upset, but... there's also something in it that our adult self wants to agree with. We think of Jesus feeding His followers, and of how kids (ideally) naturally share their food with friends. It's an instinctive "I care about you and want you to stay alive" action.
It's a song we do need to think about more, actually. It helps that it's so cute.

3. "Plush Hooves" (Picnic)
This is a song that we discovered recently, but which sounds just like the old "influtusa" days. College.
It's audial beauty, really. The colors and shapes are really nice-- all clear watery arches and round waves of bluish green with pops of crackling pale-yellow brushstrokes. It feels like liquid crystal pipes. It's deeply soothing.
We actually, deep down, love atmospheric glitch-esque stuff like this. It's tied inextricably to a facet of the Cor(e) and although it's been buried, it cannot be denied. This is the crystal-eyed White that exists outside of space, outside of form, and right now, we need that desperately.
It helps that it's 7 minutes long. You can get softly lost in this sort of soundscape, and thank God for that.

4. "Kamome" (Taku Matsushiba)
Despite the unfortunate album art-- and the fact that we've never seen this anime and don't plan to-- there are some tracks on its OST that are really lovely. This is one of them. I like the music-box intro that is suddenly embraced by that string section cascade! Honestly though... we love this track because it sounds like our old violin-lesson refuge. The solo starting at 1:21 sounds like Lynne's heart. 
There's a deep sense of safety, of comfort, of peace, that we get from hearing stringed instruments and pianos layered warm and deep like this. It makes us feel like a child again, alone in that big store surrounded by musical instruments, by wood and metal and glass and paper, hearing muffled melodies from upstairs, seeing the rain outside... again, we would be totally alone, just us and the League's heart, with infinite potential and creative beauty all around us. Those memories are precious, and we treasure them. We are grateful that we can still re-live them so strongly through songs like this.

5. "11 Hands" (Alfonso Peduto)
A brand new addition to our library, Alfonso's layered piano loops are exactly the sort & sound of thing we would compose if we had the means. We love the rhythmic complexity, the evocative harmonies, and the sense of... what? Finality? Hope? These songs all sound like the verge of some great turning point, some shift in the heart, some painful tearful courageous reach towards victory, towards light.
There are albums full of wonderful pieces like this by him. Each one feels unique. This one, with its higher notes and almost waltz-like lilt at times, is less driving and more aspirational to me. It feels like daylight rushing through treetops, like a sudden rainfall through breaking clouds, like a determination in your soul to get up, to not give up, to turn your face to the sky and the sun no matter what happens next.
It feels like someone in the System. I'm not sure who. A girl, maybe a Jewel. But the resonance is there. It's inevitable, with how closely this guy's compositions resemble our soul.

6. "Missa Festiva, Op. 62: Gloria" (Flor Peeters)
We love listening to different Mass settings, especially the more unique orchestral ones. The Gloria is always interesting to hear, because of the many different emotions it elicits-- this song moves from the dissonant notes of penitence to the soaring golden chords of praise, the whole time feeling strangely alien, angelic even, with trumpeted edges and that organ rumbling true beneath it all.
It's always fascinating to listen to choral pieces, too-- the human voice is an instrument in its own right, and each voice pronounces words slightly differently, as well as with a different pitch and tone. Listening to them all marbling together in these pieces, some more notable than others, some ringing out as solos, but all part of some greater whole... its fascinating. These are living souls making that music with their own selves. Within the context of this hymn to their Creator... it's a transcendent experience.

7. "Çok Özlüyorum Seni" (Gökhan Tepe)
I literally went "YESSSSSS" when this came up on shuffle, haha! For all you Moralimon fans, this is legit Nebisai's song, because it sounds like him, not just in voice but also in tone-- it's a bright & upbeat song, but it's about heartbreak... and hope. "I miss you so much." But "I know you will be back soon... I saw it in my dream last night." Nebsy is one of the most ebullient 'mons I know and yet he hails from a very tormented world... he has experienced war and loss and despair and exile, and yet! He still sings! He still holds on to hope! And I love that about both him, and this song. When you're hurting, but you can still make music like this, about that ache... that means a lot, man. It shows that love is what is shining through at the heart of it all, not bitterness. 
Also the percussion is DELICIOUS. I love Turkish instrumentation, especially in this, with the overlapping rhythms and clear treble chordophones and that dancing bassline! Even the wind instruments are lovely, haha, and that's notable coming from me!
Gosh I just love this song. Turkish music is boss, God bless these guys.

8. "The First Noel" (Kenny G)
THERE YOU ARE SAXOPHONE MAN!! This guy's Christmas albums are eternal tradition in our house for the Christmas season; our birthmom used to joke "it's not Christmas until we have candles & Kenny G!" Sadly, we did not have either of those things this year... but what the heck, it's not Epiphany yet, better late than never!
Really, his instrumentation is fantastic as well. That soprano saxophone meshes so smoothly with the bell-like keyboard (which is notable; I usually can't stand obviously electronic keyboards), the subtle but silver strings, and of course that echoing percussion that makes the whole song sound wide and clear and bright as that field the ancient shepherds met the jubilant angels in. Even so... this song also sounds so small and cozy. Maybe that's just childhood memories, or the 90's mixing, but this whole album just makes me feel like a kid again, watching the snowfall by the Christmas tree, colorful lights everywhere and the scent of pine and cinnamon in the air. Oh yeah, and of course the saxophone carols on mom's boombox.
Shoutout to Leon with this song, haha. I love you bro.

9. "Castles- 12" Full Length Version" (It Bites)
PROG ROCK SON!!!
It Bites will always have a very, very dear place in my heart because I first discovered them the week I was first admitted to the psych ward. I had "This Is England" playing in my head for those five hellish days, and I swear to you that was the only thing that kept me going some nights, unable to sleep, terrified of the next day. But I'd hear John Mitchell singing in those dark hours and it reminded me that there was still beauty in the world, out beyond those barred double-pane windows. This wasn't forever.
However! My good man John was only 14 or so when this track was released so his trademark voice isn't on here, haha. But Francis Dunnery has a lovely set of pipes as well, honestly.
And... in beautiful contrast to the windows of the ward, this song speaks of a castle with no such cruel fortifications--

10. "Emily" (Andy Williams)
Andy Williams's voice echoes through all my childhood memories. My grandmother loved his music, and would frequently play it at night as I fell asleep.
I honestly love the way he pronounces certain words and vowels, and
This song has no memories in particular attached to it, but it does have a tie-in to the League. The "romance" of this song was totally defused by attaching it to Emily in Soulstitch, and her plush pal Kenzel-- turning the reference to "family" from a marital cliche into a childhood comfort. Love isn't just for grownups; the truest lovers are those who love without any motives of gain or attraction. It's why the League focuses on such children, and their relationships with creatures who likewise love with such purity of intent.
It's the only way I can listen to this song, by thinking of that.

11. "I Believe, Help My Unbelief" (Larnelle Harris)
Larnelle's music means a great deal to me, because I played it on loop for months when I was taking care of my grandmother in home hospice. I'd do dishes and laundry and cooking for her and the whole time Mr. Harris would be praising God in the background. It kept my heart and mind in a good place, anchored in faith and hope, which I desperately needed during that time of sickness and stress.
This song, based on Mark 9:24, means a lot to me as well. I have always loved that Gospel, for the raw desperate honesty of that man in his weak yet real faith... and because I relate so, so strongly to that sentiment.
 

12. "The Man That Time Forgot" (Ed Harcourt)
This song always brings me to tears.

13. "Some Children See Him" (Andy Williams)
I'm really glad this one came up because, although Kenny is my mom's Christmas tune dude, Andy is my grandmother's playlist staple.

14. "Be Here Now" (Ray LaMontagne)
This song belongs to Dori. It was one from her Last.fm back in like '09, and it struck us to the heart in both sound and message.
The instrumentation feels like a bright fog, with the echoing piano & vocals, and smooth strings singing over that soundhaze backdrop. But then there's the guitar. Golden and clear, it's like sunlight filtering through the morning mist. The lyrics reflect this tangible hope.
"Don't let your mind get weary... don't let your heart get heavy... don't let your soul get lonely..." and then, "don't look for love in faces [or] places; it's in you, that's where you'll find kindness. Be here, now."
It speaks directly to us as a System.
...How many times have I tried to run away from us? How often has my weary mind, or heavy heart, made my soul feel lonely? Inside of "me" there is us, a strength founded in love, a love that tears down every wall. But I have to be here. I have to BE, with us, with all of us, right now. It's the only hope I have of holding on to faith or light or life. Our collective being is a ray of light piercing every cloud, and outlasting every trial.
I needed to hear this song again today. Thank You.

15. "This River Is Wild" (The Killers)
This is an old one, from Jewel's high school days, when her Red slowly started to turn into Cannon's edge.
The lyrics cut us pretty deep It speaks directly of the trauma echoes and struggles we were just beginning to battle at that time.
"Or should I just get along with myself? I never did get along with everybody else. I've been trying hard to do what's right, but you know I could stay here all night..." I swear we must have quoted this in a Blurty once, long ago.
We still don't get along with anyone but ourselves, sadly. It's notsomuch misanthropy (although we are becoming disturbingly aware of a lot of pent-up damaged rage lately) as it is feeling alien. Every day we struggle to do "what's right," but... we're up until 5am just typing. Just getting lost in our head. It's the only place where we feel accepted, real, alive... but it's a wild river. There's so much turbulence. But it's water, man. It's life.
The stormy guitars and rushing percussion, along with the Brandon Flower's signature vocals-- subtly high-strung, a little shaky, and sounding like a confession-- make this song feel like last words in a way, to us. There's a finality to it, something hard but hurt, spitting splinters and being brutally direct-- here's the shit I see in the world, but it's in me first. I only recognize it because I'm fighting it tooth and nail inside, every hour.
The outro always brings us to tears for some reason. That last line, the way everything crumples into a keyboard and his wavering voice, just... hurts, after that shout of a song. It hurts like having only a thread of hope left in that dark night, surrounded by people and noise but alone, and never able to be a part of it. At least, to us.

16. "Jupiter" (Sleeping At Last)
A short song, but the lyrics break me in half.
"I don't know who I am, but now I know who I'm not."
Make my messes matter. Make this chaos count. Let every little fracture in me shatter out loud.

17. "The Way We Were (Soundtrack Version)" (Barbara Streisand)
This one speaks to our constant haunting of time, of how dearly we miss what we've lost, and yet...
"Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we? Could we?"
What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget... trauma does work like that, sadly.
Ironically, we don't remember the laughter. What stands out the strongest is the pain.
But... this song makes us think. Why don't we remember the positive things more? Why don't we focus on our joy as "the way we were?" It's a thought.

18. "Hurts" (Mika)
Well this is just friendship trauma from beginning to end.
"You say it's only words, and that it will get easier with time. Nothing's only words; that's how hearts get hurt. I can't, I can't, I can't stop hearing all the words you said..."
Both we and they treated words-- or the lack thereof-- as careless weapons, to be honest.
This wasn't verbal abuse. This was phrases, comments, snippets of conversation that gutted us in different ways, that still repeat between our ears, words that they probably never realized would damage us so badly.
But... words are what made us into "strangers by the end," when we would leave. The words we wrote, the words they spoke, all ultimately destroyed what feeble friendships we had.
Oh of course, the actions were horrible too. But they only happened BECAUSE of words, words disrespected and forced and parroted and flatly delivered, words like arrows and daggers. Talking our way into and out of trouble. Always too much talk.
Sorry. Can't think about this too much.

19. "Hard to Beat" (Hard-Fi)
YEAAAAAAAH this one's a CLASSIC.
It's in here because it's a "League lovesong" from like 2005. OLD DAYS BRO.

20. "Tempest" (SOHN)
Geez this band sounds like the Cannon days. It's disturbing and dark and red.
This song is so disjointed. It reads like an unhinged entry of ours.
"O Lord, I got lost along the way You set for me. I got to say I'm sorry; wash my sins away..."
but then there's the catch. "I love her like no other."
And if this is truly the Cannon days, then we are absolutely dealing with moral panic and homophobia.

21. "Am I Dreamin'" (Atlantic Starr)
On the surface this is obviously a love song that I can easily apply to any of my internal loves, but... on a greater level, this is for the entire System.
"Am I dreaming? Am I just imagining you're here in my life?"
Self-doubt hurts like hell, especially when you love the very souls that everyone else says don't exist.

22. "Towerblock" (FROST*)
This song hits hard, now that our old house really is being “torn down,” or at least, torn up.

23. "Yahweh" (The Brilliance)
This is the perfect track to close up with.

(left unfinished)
 

Let's talk about daemons.

Daemons, in the 2013-2018 Spectrum timespace, were "incarnated vices" meant to force their heart-host into admitting and facing that vicious reality as being THEIRS, instead of denying and running from it; after all, we cannot repent if we don't know what we're repenting from, let alone if we're denying the fact that we have sinned in the first place. Daemons bring all that front and center. Most importantly, though, is the fact that they are madly in love with their hosts. They adore the souls they are enslaved to, that they exist for and from forever. A daemon is your deepest fears and biggest faults given bones and breath and beating heart, and they love you, but they will devour you if you are not careful. They are inherently dangerous, and they are absolutely indispensable. A daemon can teach you the most radical forgiveness, but they can also falter and fall into a sort of punchdrunk moral relativism, so unable to hate that they forget that their very core is hateful. Their guts are painted black. No matter how soft a wound is, it's still a wound; it's still blood and it's still damage.

Rio's Daemon is Lethe Styx. He personifies fear of nothingness/ the unknowable, and the vice of sloth as a result? He is named after two rivers, both of oblivion-- one of thought, one of body.

Rio is prone to intense self-distraction, for the sole purpose of not having to face the silence, trying to block out the river-rush of blood in one's ears.

…
 

Markus's Daemon is Medallion Guillotine. She personifies fear of weakness, and the vice of avarice, arguably. She is named after two symbols of power-- the first to hoard, the second to behead, and both with the ability to destroy life outright.

…

Chaos's Daemon is Perfect Chaos. He mentally detached himself from that potential in his soul for so long, and with such disturbed fervor, that Perfect was almost forced to "daemonize."

He personifies unending agony. At heart, it is the fear of (loss? despair?) and the vice of wrath. When grief bores too deeply into your soul, it hits the fires of hell and burns everything to death.

Perfect Chaos himself is an ironic "just deserts" to those who sought "perfection" in worldly ways-- through control, power, and pride. To such people, "perfection" meant becoming like a god, but not like God.

…

Jewel Lightraye's Daemon is Dendrite Aorta… or so we've been told. Jewel herself, being the heart of an entire identity bloodline, is paradoxically as unstable as she is invincible.

She is the fear of forgetting oneself??? and the vice of pride.

Jewel's mind and heart are both deemed intrinsic to the very existence of the Spectrum, as is the integrous preservation of both, and as such she has a fatal proclivity to consider herself perpetually innocent. Dendrite exists to tell her, awfully but honestly, that she's not. And that is terrifying.

…

Jay Iridos's Daemon is Infinitii Eternos. Ze personifies fear of intimacy and the vice of lust, shockingly so. Ze is named after both heaven and hell themselves, in a sense; the "infinite" potential of "I and I," of two become one, and the "eternity" of "nos," of "us." But whether that unity is of ardor or abuse, remains to be seen, and that is the terror.

What about me, then? Who am I, now, really?

I'm not Mr. Iridos or Ms. Lightraye, even though their hearts are still so close to mine I can feel them in my very ribs. They switch out and front on their own now, separate from the Core function, having held that hierarchal honor in the past and now relinquishing it to… who? Who am I?

I am of their bloodline, inevitably. But what "surname" is mine? Do I carry something new?

The Lightraye purpose of birthing the League, the Iridos purpose of sustaining the Spectrum… I must admit, although those functions still exist and are executed, they are not in the first place mine. When Leaguework is done, I am almost a ghostwriter; I know Jewel moves these hands in her own way. When Spectrum work is resumed-- literally as of Thursday night-- Jay is still front and center, the core that carried what time we forgot, and must integrate to continue onwards.

We've moved into an apartment. We've entered an entirely new reality-space. Body care and life awareness are suddenly prioritized. Religion is more fervent and beloved than ever before. Existence has changed on the outside, but what is it inside, now?

The Spectrum has been dormant for years. Now that it is awakening, who am I, within it?

I still love Chaos Zero, with my entire heart, God knows I love him enough to die. That is proof that I am a Core, that I am a genuine coeur and love is my absolute foundation.

But what is my name? Am I red, or white, or cerise, or even brown? And do I have a Daemon?

I can feel Infinitii is not mine; since Jay woke up, all the hidden love for hir has bloomed again in him. But he isn't tied to Chaos anymore. I am. And… that cannot be ignored. I'm the Prism, now; I'm the heart of glass through which the Light breaks into colors. But it all feels like echoes. There have been so many cores, and they were and are so alive, so real… I feel so empty, and hollow, and wrecked on some level compared to them. Maybe it's bleedover; I am sure there is still so much healing to do, on levels we haven't looked at, solely because innerspace has been closed off while it rebooted.

We'll work on it. I promise. As of right now it is 12:30 AM, I need to be awake at 7, and grandma is still in the hospital, God be with her still.

I must sleep, and pull myself together, however feebly, until morning. Pray that God reveals to me who He wants me to be, in truth, in respect to the entire life He has given me. Pray that He shows me soon, and that I can see it clearly when He does.
 

Since my earliest days, I have been blessed with a vivid and thriving imagination. Before even starting school I began to write stories, creating entire worlds to play with, even composing little songs to accompany the characters and concepts I loved to watch playing out in my mind. As the years went on, these stories became more complex, maturing from simple child's tales into the heart-deep thoughts of a teenager, and later into rich and brilliant gems polished by adult experience and lit by undying youthful wonder. The League continues to grow, forever blooming anew, and I firmly believe God put me on this earth to share these bouquets of creative beauty for His sake. Developing a League website will be my first formal effort towards that end. It is my sincere hope that the many LeagueWorlds debuting there will touch the hearts of every visitor with the same genuine joy that has illuminated mine in building them, and the sincere gratitude and loving wonder for the Creator of All Who made every heart that ever was.

​

Soli Deo gloria!

THE LEAGUE'S SECRET HEART

THE SONG OF THE SUFFERING SAVIOR

Before we expound the literal history of the League, we must first reveal and recognize its inmost soul. Yes, its infancy had a body built of colors and songs and imaginary critters, but deep in its heart, springing from my own heart, was a Source and Summit that invariably soaked into every aspect of each World I dreamed up, however small, however seemingly insignificant.

​

I was a very premature child, and even in my youth, I took pride in the fact that I had been baptized in the incubator, for fear that I would not survive the three months needed to stabilize, let alone the next three days. With that, I was a Roman Catholic from the first few hours of my fragile life, and that was something I later lived by to the best of my nascent ability. My grandmother is also deserving of the greatest thanks towards this end; she gave me a Bible which I read ravenously, taught me all my prayers, said a Rosary with me every night, and made sure I went to Mass every week with as much reverence as I could muster at that age. She also gave me my first prayer cards, my absolute favorite of which depicted Christ covered in deep raw wounds, a figure so shockingly deformed yet humble that I would easily lose track of time just staring at it. Something in that image spoke loudly to my own heart, and that stuck with me in an unexpected way, imprinting indelibly on my imagination. It made me a morbid child, and perhaps worried my teachers, that a kindergartener was drawing unicorns and dragons and bats with wounds over their own bleeding hearts, but that was already something I loved too strangely and strongly for it to not express itself in my ideas and art.

​

My Catholic faith thus continued to exercise a massive impact on the aesthetics and vibes of the budding League, in terms of it ultimately reflecting the same aspects I loved most in my religion. I had then, and still have, a powerful devotion to the Sacred & Immaculate Hearts, the Shoulder & Side Wounds of Christ, His Most Precious Blood, The Scourging, and the Crown of Thorns. I thought about Purgatory a lot, about angels, about Our Sorrowful Mother, and about saints with stigmata. In essence, the inherently Catholic concepts of sacred woundedness, love through suffering, life through death, and strength through vulnerability, became the fundamental cornerstone of the League at its very core. To this day, any Leagueworld lacking these qualities will quickly corrode and die. The reflection of and glory of God, especially in the very touchingly human life of Jesus Christ-- God with a body that breathed and bled like ours-- is the first and final goal of the League, both in its creation and in its communication, however uniquely that honor may be achieved in each.

​

THE LEAGUE BEGINS

THE SEEDS BEGIN TO BLOOM

My great-aunt, a Franciscan nun, gave me a gift at age three that I adored and still do: a giant plush unicorn with golden eyes and a backwards horn. I named her Unisalia, proclaimed her a queen, and went everywhere with her. She became my first imaginary friend, and many years later, would hold a position of utmost honor within the League... but I digress. In her sudden blessed bestowal, I can now see that already, before I even began dreaming up worlds of any solid sort, the Hand of God was planting the seeds.

​

My second imaginary friend appeared around 1996, and she was, quite frankly, utterly bizarre, but I loved her. She was the result of my obsession with a shoot-em-up game at the local truckstop that my dad introduced me to: one in which you had to kill invading aliens in order to secure a spaceship. Of course, my interest was not in the killing, but in the presence of death in its rawest, most blatant state-- wounds and blood and terrible openness. After some time I became unable to play the game because I kept daydreaming about aliens with softer hearts who weren't coldly spattered on impact, but who instead survived in a wounded vulnerable state and forced the offending soldiers to rethink their actions and open their own hearts to compassion as well. So with this dreaming, something common to my young mind, I ended up with an invisible friend who was a rainbow-skinned Xenomorph princess. She shone like glitter on glass and her name was Jewel and her mission was to evangelize everyone who dared to assume that an alien couldn't be Catholic. In my daydreams, she and her ever-growing gang of technicolor pals-- all named after gemstones-- would endure countless conflicts with humans who adamantly saw aliens as evil and deserving of death, whereas these were seeking only peace and compassion, repentance and forgiveness, determined to help humanity soften its global heart to not only extraterrestrials like them but also to its own people, who were treated as aliens by their fellow man. Oh, and every Xenomorph in my head carried a matching color rosary. It was pretty awesome.

​

My great-aunt passed away when I was six. It was a few days after my birthday. I remember standing in front of the washing machine in the middle of the night, my mom and dad obviously upset but trying to break it to me gently. She had been sick for a while, and being the religious child I was, I already knew she was approaching death, and I dreaded it. So judging by their behavior, I knew. I burst into tears and shouted at them both-- "you don't have to tell me, I already know she died!"-- and ran into my room to dissolve into wracking sobs. I knew what death was. I knew what the afterlife was. It didn't make the loss hurt any less. It didn't make me miss her any less.

I can still remember her funeral, the feeling of her cold cheek as I kissed it in the coffin, the smell of her habit, of her powdered skin, of the flowers. I hugged Unisalia tight when I got home, dizzy from my first funeral, and that dear unicorn became secretly associated now with not only the nun who brought her to me, but also with her death-- with that very mantra of memento mori. Remember that you will die too, but remember also, that it is not the end. Remember that, while you live this life, gifted to you from God, you have a responsibility to that Giver. And that responsibility is to prepare for this life's ever-nearing death, for that final door out of this world, for what-- and Who-- lies beyond. So live your life with your heart set on higher things... because those are the only things that last... the only things that are truly real.

One day, both Unisalia and I would also face death. But until then, we had a mission...

THE EARLY DAYS

THE BIRTH OF A UNIVERSE

In its earliest days, the League began just like any other world-- a vast and shifting sphere of pure potential, wonderful yet unstable. I wrote a great deal of short stories and imagined a great many creatures, but none of these projects belonged to anything greater and grander than themselves.

The first hint of a deeper thread was glimpsed around 1995 with one of my first "imaginary friends," a singing king cobra that I simply called "My Cobra." As this was the 1990s, he was the frontman in a 5-man band, the other members being a frilled lizard, a bat, a unicorn, and a dolphin... my favorite animals at the time. A childish concept, perhaps, but they were the first individuals to carry their own faces and names across many mindscapes, creating a history and reputation for themselves, and building their own unique personalities. Furthermore, this basic idea of a character group with a musical heart became a sort of greater heart to the nascent League, as my personal gift of musical composition invariably went hand-in-hand with my other creative pursuits. 

In 1996, the first hint of a solid "world" coalesced with a new character: Zimbo the Alien. He was an amusing fellow, described as popular and intelligent yet still proving to be hopelessly baffled by earth culture and technology. I spent many hours drawing him and his four color-coded friends flying about in saucer-bubble ships, protecting the earth from hostile invaders, and searching for new planets to explore. These two new concepts-- a character color spectrum and the notion of good versus evil-- were truly the two deepest seeds of the League to come, as they would blossom again and again over the years in its Worlds. 

(no dates listed; range from may 12th to june 17th??)

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biblical meaning of bronze?
sacrificial meal? OT

p61 refs

page 668+ CHERUBIM

★ISAIAH 41 (HOPE!!)

isaiah 47:2-3, 8-13 // 8:22

jeremiah 14:7-10, 11-16!
1 Chronicles: 28:3, 6-10?
★Deuteronomy 7:15-26! (esp.22)

WISDOM
★DEUTERONOMY 8

why did semitic peoples worship calves?

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(june? last page in back)

"cute gross" concept? (japanese artists)
"candygore," sparkly body substances (vomit, mucus, etc.),
★ turning the "gross" into something "beautiful?"promotes acceptance of those things normally, instead of denial/condemnation!!

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♫"good, good, good to be alive right about now."♫

(look up history of Syria?)
"In Syria one can literally learn the history of the world"

★DAMASCUS!! (oasis, EDEN)
★ "new ways destroy old virtues"
★ "the eye also feasts"

"But how can I complain?
I have chosen to go alone of my own free will.
That is the challenge, and I must meet it."
-Naomi Uemura

"It is useless to dwell on the mishaps that delayed me, and perhaps prevented me from arriving first. I have done my best in my own way, as I am sure they have done in theirs.
To resent their success would be unworthy. Instead, I feel gratitude for having come safely so far. May the rest go as safely."
♥

★ "Above all, I think of my wife, Kimiko, in Japan, and the thought brings both longing and regret. Because of such expeditions as this, I have never given her a normal married life. Instead, I have left her at home with her constant fears for my safety and have done exactly what I wished to do.
Perhaps she and all those whose thoughts and blessings traveled with me over the long days will take pride in an expedition that would surely have failed without them.
If so, what a happy person I am!"
-Naomi Uemura, the first man to reach the North Pole alone

--------------------------------------------------

I think I need a girlfriend,
AND
in time
a "boyfriend."
who loves God first.
this needs to heal.

hope never dies.
no good thing ever can.

^ This stuff ONLY becomes a "need" in the absence of INNER SUPPORT and the absence of PRAYER.

--------------------------------------------------

"Druzes are dangerous because they do not fear death.
Every man believes that when he dies he will be instantly reborn as an infant."

★BEDOUINS

"Why did God give us eyes?
To look upon beauty wherever it may be!
(All thanks to God!)"

-kibbe
-Malula
-PALMYRA

★Tall al Masiyah
(TOMB OF JESUS tradition??)

★"the order of Saint Lazarus"

"Perhaps only 1/3 of all Syrian Muslims perform their religious duties.
But the rest feel guilt.
And I can assure you, for I am one of them, that all of them remain Muslims in their hearts."
-Muhammad Kuteifan

"without the alphabet, nobody would ever have gone to the moon."

"an audibilization of power"

"over the inevitable cups of coffee"

"beneath the iron caress"

(arab tea) "burning hot and piercingly sweet"


"I saw Quneitra on an overcast day with gunmetal clouds scudding low above the ruins.
Walking through the detritus struck me as a foretaste of the day after the end of the world.
Not a single birdsong disturbed the gray, final silence."

★"Even among the ruins, hope grows. Did you notice those flowers outside in the shell casings-- blossoms springing from the implements of war?
Just so, we… must be optimistic. Mustn't we?"

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-Think of Mary as a mother, primarily, and just what that means.
(biologically BOUND to Christ as well; literally no one closer to Him; her body made a body for God FROM ITSELF)

«consecrating senses to Mary= to use them for/AS her?? She is our Mediatrix; such consecration allows Her to channel the Holy Spirit's graces INTO all of ourselves, as He did for Her, so that Christ may be "born again in/ through/ "as" us" as He was through Her-- as she is the fountain of God's grace TO humanity, the bestower of God/ Christ's living water to us on earth, as Christ ("touch me not") is now in heaven for the sake of faith/ hope/ graces Christ sent us the Spirit, BUT the Spirit touched humanity through Mary more completely & intimately than anytime else, ever-- as that touch became the Son's conception, the Spirit BECAME ONE WITH HER in order to "beget" the Divine Child-- who was BOTH GOD AND MAN in true wholeness! So, to imitate her perfect love/ obedience, we MUST go TO her, and unite ourselves WITH her!

★Luke 6:24-26!!!

luke 9:58
luke 12:1-3? // 49-52? | luke 13:20-1

matthew 12:33+
★ luke 14: 15-35

mark 5: 15-17
luke 8: 35-39

★ john 15: 18-27
& 16:1-33

--------------------------------------

★ My dreams are SIGNPOSTS pointing to things in my SUBCONSCIOUS that are NOT FULLY/PROPERLY HEALED (YET).

- Things I still dream about, upsettingly, and therefore STILL have an inner inclination to do=

★ bingeing on dessert food
★ "chew-bingeing"
★ stealing food

--------------------------------------

XANGA?
or, "mimic" it?
SOLVE PROBLEMS (W/ GOD)

NOT THE OLD KIND; BE CAREFUL.

★focus on PRODUCTIVE thoughts
★don't overthink the small things

--------------------------------------

LIGHT= knowledge, comprehension, "en-lightening," understanding, seeing, luck, fortuity, revealing secrets, "getting" it, attention, focus, guidance, education, wisdom, prudence
- pride, perfectionism, self-importance, fear of unknown/mystery

TIME= history, music, patience, acceptance of "fate," impermanence, death/"decay," "father" issues? punctuality? "in the nick of time," "time waits for no man," "time heals all wounds" maybe?? clocks; mortality, linearity; photography ("moments"); finality, loss? relationship issues? (sexual promiscuity risk?) technology, mechanics
"this too shall pass"; evolution? organization/systems; detached?

★"now" moment? the TRUTH of time!!
★COMPLEMENTS SPACE!!! they are BOTH required!
★"nothing ever really ends" (ETERNITY)

★time & bread??? livelihood, "money" slang
VALUE OF TIME ("spend it wisely")

★LANGUAGE (idioms, terms, etc.)

tradition, age, events, continuity, "irreversibility"? measurable quantity
intervals, moments, duration, RELATIVITY? clocks (NUMERICAL SYSTEM)
present/past/future; "occasions assoc. w/ certain experiences"
eras & periods in history, «opportune moments
a musical meter; fixed & customary moments/periods; rate of speed; a period in prison; period of work/pay received; installments of pay; schedule; set to operate at a certain moment; pace & duration; promptness
★movements in proper sequence
(GAUDIOR)

★"TIMELESS" spaces?? (the arctic, desert, "liminal" spaces, early morning?)

★"TIME" AS IT EXISTS IN NATURE; NO CLOCKS!!!

"chromo" vs "chrono";
TIME AND COLOR!!! (on space's blank canvas!!)

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solfege, cantata, serenata

patagium
piaster

Stuff I need:
✔★PAINTED SHIRTS!
✔★new bag of floss picks (dollar store)
✔★Polish religious posters
★Mewtwo plush and/or Celebi plush
★Red ribbon journal? (for food descrips)
★Overjackets
★lap harp??? is it allowed?

★MAKE a folder

GO OUTSIDE + MOVE MORE

------------------------------------------------

★tech can be USED FOR good or evil;
inherently it is a tool,



★TREATING/ PREVENTING ADDICTION
→what needs are unmet? how to healthily meet them &/or decrease/ permanently heal that "lack" feeling?

"tech junk food;" (sugar/salt/fat) feeds "carnal wants" (instinctive?)
^ "brain drain" cereal (+"empty calories")

(ETHICAL DESIGN) = concrete spacetime benefits, NOT sheer attention/ time eating for profit; MANIPULATION

★PROPER integration of tech/ online "life" w/ "reality,"
^(research "augmented reality")
w/o disconnection from self-awareness IN EACH; fluidity
(automation vs "real people")
"do not use (this tech) without (WISELY conscious) intention" = no time wasting

NO PAVLOV TACTICS
"hardwired social reciprocity"
"variable rewards" = habits

tech should allow us to=
-set boundaries
-disengage w/o anxiety
-see where time goes
-not be slaves of impulse
-make informed decisions
-determine "what's important"
("was spending that much time on _____ worthwhile? why or why not?" decrease impulsivity)
-meet goals
-see how actions impact others
-grow as people/ in productivity
-discipline will
-slow down & be deliberate
-encourage mindfulness, patience, conscious choice, focus, MEDITATION (TAKE BREAKS)

★hokthai= "benevolent tech?" have phone/pc functions but can personally prevent "thought outsourcing" & addiction via "interpersonal connection" being inherent to them?

prob= "simulated social interaction" w/ reward response tactics, "rewardable behavior" and persona-maintenance??
(social media NOT BAD, just broken!)
★psychology & tech= warnings on what behavior is required by app/tech? logs of feelings/ thoughts elicited, encourage reflection on, ask "WHY" ("met" which needs?)
(+manip. by colors, sounds, etc.; psychological puppetstrings) ("hijacking")
«ask whether tech is improving our lives/, NOT "delightful/ convenient/ etc." focus; "is it making our lives worse/ wasting our time"
what REALLY matters? "if you died tonight…"

responsibility, AGENCY

★"hippocratic oath" for software designers; NO EXPLOITATION OF VULNERABILITY; tech as medicine? not "self-medicating," so to speak

★"an all-or-nothing choice is a design failure"
(entirely connect (prompts, etc.) or entirely disconnect)

★tech that doesn't replace human thought/ effort but augments it
- "tracking of daily minutiae" w/o disconnecting from the reality of it; "big picture"
★positive data collection
FEEDBACK!

"when it comes to new tech, incomplete understanding is empowering"
(divining cognitive labor)
(cooperation/collabs = no sharp boundary btwn one person's ideas/ knowledge & those of others in group)

"strong feelings about issues do not emerge from deep understanding"
- a community of knowledge can become dangerous w/ confirmation bias
★NEED HUMILITY
★be honest about the blind spots in your knowledge & understanding

------------------------------------------------

"he was… very simple. everybody would be equal."

"robbing/ disarming/ killing a cop-- these were highly regarded feats in criminal circles"

- catholic relief in venezuela

------------------------------------------------

heb: 7-9

ROMANS 14:13

------------------------------------------------

¯
baby dee
the internet

musical = come from away
joan of arc
kid victory
oslo
the outer space
dear evan hansen

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW"
(if you don't fly, you'll never grow)
=
fear of failure due to perfectionism stops the progress towards growth/ wholeness

★HUMILITY/PATIENCE★
glow & guide, don't blind
♥LOVE IS KEY!♥

(I love the letter to the Romans)

jumping to conclusions = skipping the factual "inbetween;" the checklist of truth that determines the REAL conclusion
★ASK QUESTIONS!
★RECOGNIZE YOUR EMOTIONS! "I feel," etc.

You will never know everything. Only God can, as He IS the TRUE LIGHT. Be humble… don't be a Lucifer.
You are not the "sun." But through the Son, you can witness TO the Light.^ Wear His emblem as His loving servant.
JOHN 1:1-9!!!

★p93-94 in Magnificat relevant to yesterday's crisis plan: "The voice of God IS THERE AMID THE NOISE" "(literal!) mountaintop not required"
- relevant to MUSIC: the silence is the canvas upon which it is painted; it is behind every note, enriching yet untouched by each one
- "He CALLS US ALWAYS"; ironically (irenically) His Call IS that inherent silence that allows us to truly "hear." (with hear-t) It's a beautiful 'paradox.'

★EVERYTHING good & beautiful in this world is but a reflection of the beauty & goodness of God-- and a dim, paltry one at that!
So don't be so happy at the gift that you forget to be joyful with the Giver. And, don't fret in limitation or lack or disappointment or disillusionment-- all of that is from a LACK OF FAITH. Anchor yourself to Him. Let Him be your ONLY joy, your only comfort, consolation, gain, and goal… for He is ALL THAT IS, and He CANNOT disappoint, and in Him you WILL be satisfied, you WILL be cheered and comforted, you WILL find rest for your soul. He is your impenetrable fortress, your bulwark against every storm, your safest shelter, your warmest home. He can't NOT be. So do not be afraid, but trust Him. Christ alone is gain. He is the foundation and Source of all beauty, sweetness, and delight. He is the TRUE Bread, of TRUE Life. Seek Him first, in all things and above all things. He will take care of you. Keep your eyes full of His light, and your heart, too. Heaven is the goal. Keep walking!

★GOD is finest wheat, living water, honey from the rock, milk for our growing faith, salt for the earth, the Paschal lamb, etc.
THE "SATISFACTION" YOU SEEK THROUGH THOSE FOODS IS NOT IN THOSE FOODS!! ONLY CHRIST SATISFIES!!!
Your body is fed but your heart is hungry because you aren't eating in FAITH.
Be His lamb, His child. Eat FOR His glory. If something cannot be done with love & faith & PEACE-- if something carries doubt, or discomfort, or fear, or any other untrusting tremulous vice-- THEN DON'T DO IT!!
(Think of what your grandma would say, too!)

★AND ALWAYS ASK, "IS THIS ACTION PRUDENT/OBEDIENT?"
"Is this action a "luxury" or unnecessary waste? CAN I do this action without second-guessing whether or not it's "good" for myself AND others?"

★BE GRATEFUL FOR OTHERS! Heartfully meditate on this; it's deep.

- james parker (the atlantic) writing style

Heb:5 / 1 Tim:4
Gal 2:14-21 (saved by faith)
1 Cor 10:25-33 (eating & conscience)
Romans 7:7-25 (law & sin)
Romans 13:1-10 (obey authority)
★Romans 14 (clean eating, no stumbling)
1 Cor 3:16 (God's temple)
1 Cor 6:12-15 (edifying)
Matt 6:25-26 (don't worry about food)
Num 12:6 (prophets vs Moses)
Deut 4:29-31 (seek God's mercy)
Deut:8 (prosperity)
★Lev 17:10-16 (blood=life) VS Luke 24:39 (BONE)

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I feel really sick

lots of noise

bad radio talk

dissociating,

nightmares about family

scared to go "home"



there's a lot of things.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

★distortions=

1) OVERGENERALIZATION (never/always)
2) DISCARDING POSITIVES (ignoring good aspects)
3) CATASTROPHIZING (expect worst, act helpless)
4) ALL OR NOTHING (b/w judgments) (absolutes)
5) JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS (proofless negative judgments) (mind reading, misfortune-telling)
6) SHOULD/SHOULDN'T (behavior policing, moral condemnation)

★lessen these behaviors step by solid step! ♥

★FACT CHECKING!! (remember, GOD is TRUTH!!)
(TALK IT OUT WITH THE CENTRALITES!! ♥)

★FOCUS ONLY ON WHAT IS GOOD!
distortions should be released & learned from, NOT dwelled upon! remember= PREDISPOSE to LOVE!! be realistic, BUT keep your eyes FIXED on GOD in ALL!! ♥
★literally journal your blessings!! ♥
focus on hope & capability & courage!

WISDOM

★24/7 MINDFULNESS!!! ♥
★learn to identify the KEY POINTS when you most need to be mindful!!

("KARUNA! ATTENTION!")
+visual reminders^ TO randomly bring you back into awareness-- pictures, quotes, figures, stickers, symbols, words, etc.!! ♥

★PICTURE OF SELF AS A CHILD?
remind self now to take care of your self now like you'd care for your self then!! promotes TRUE ACCEPTANCE & UNCONDITIONAL LOVE; see the REAL YOU!!! ♥


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


★identifying "falsely supported beliefs" =
would they apply to anyone else, OR just me??
IF it's "only me," it's DISTORTED!!!
(then you can interrogate it until it unravels, & you're finally free of its shackles!)

★XANGAS HELP BEAUTIFULLY WITH THIS PROCESS.
(Laurie is a LOT wiser than I am!!) ♥

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Massive revisions are going down in Dream World so this old bit of P0′s first draft is no longer canon (this entire scenario does not occur).
I am rather fond of it though, and as a result I’m going to share it with you.

(Justice is walking through JMHQ, thinking about what he’s going to do about Revenge possibly being involved in recent catastrophes. This is around noon, 3 days after Lilianne’s death.)

…Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, rough and fierce, pulling him off his feet. He stumbled slightly as he was forced around, coming face to face with Andrelia.
“Why haven’t you done anything?!” She shouted, her green eyes noticeably bloodshot.
He faltered, unable to reply. “W-what?”
“They can show up again any minute, Justice, and you haven’t done anything to stop them!!” Her voice was tight, her eyes still fixed on his. Justice nervously turned away, scanning the halls for any fellow employees. HQ was panicked enough already… the last thing he needed was more stress on a fragile situation. Plus, he couldn’t tell anyone the entire truth, not yet.
He heard Andrelia take a frustrated breath and quickly faced her once more. “Please, can we talk about this somewhere else?” He begged quietly, not recognizing his own voice. “I don’t want—”
But her hand was on his shoulder again, cutting him off and dragging him behind the broken Cherulai as she proceeded down the hallway. She turned sharply into a nearby room, opening the door and storming in without so much as a warning. Justice felt a sick adrenaline rush as he was pulled in, half-expecting to see an entire committee waiting for him, judging his every thought, but the room was dark and empty. He let out a shuddering breath as Andrelia let go, stepping around him to pull the door shut. Lingering on the handle for a moment, she let out a deep breath and once again faced the guilty Guardian. The dim light from the windows made her look older than he was.
“…I haven’t slept in three days, Justice,” she began. Her voice, which had just been ringing in his ears, was now unsettlingly resigned.
“I understand.” It sounded canned, despite its sincerity, but he didn’t know what else to say. What could he say?
But Andrelia shook her head, cutting off his thoughts, driving the guilt in further. “And I don’t know if I’ll ever sleep again.” She looked down then, her eyes hard. “…Because whenever they come back, only one of us is going to make it out alive.”
Justice felt his breath hitch involuntarily, his chest freezing in fear, and Andrelia’s eyes flickered back up to him.
“You… you can’t say that,” he began weakly, trying to hide his fear for them both. His words were running on automatic now. “You can’t just give yourself up like that. There’s still so much for you to live for–”
“I have NOTHING left to live for, Justice!!” Her voice finally broke, as did what little confidence he had left. I can’t do this, he thought, watching her fall apart in the dusty light, as his own heart threatened to follow suit. I can’t do this.
Andrelia was silent, unaware of his peril, her own thoughts elsewhere.
“She was everything to me.” Tears shone in her eyes. “She was everything. I loved her.” She looked up, her face wet. “I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And now I can’t.” Her shoulders shook, but Justice turned away. “I loved her so much, but I can never see her again, and I can’t live like this. I’ve lost everything.” She shook her head again, choking back sobs. “I can’t do it.”
The Guardian didn’t move. He was hearing his own words in her voice. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t focus. This was about her, this was about the one she adored and lost; this wasn’t about him, except…
Except it was. Except the one he adored and lost was now guilty until proven innocent, and too much blood had already been spilled. Justice couldn’t bear the thought of a single drop more.
“…So what are you going to do?” He asked her, almost inaudible even in the empty room.
“I think the better question is what are you going to do?” Andrelia moved towards him, forcing him to meet her eyes once more. “No matter what I want, you’re the Guardian. You call the shots. I can scream and cry all I want for this killer to be brought to justice–”  the word was an arrow to his heart, expertly shot– “but you’re the one who has to deal it out. You’re the one they’re all going to look to for a final decision. Not me.”
He raised his eyes to meet hers then, green and angry and heartbroken and tired. He felt an awful, deep empathy for her, a sort of contrition for his own self. He tried to speak but couldn’t.
“So what are you going to do?” Andrelia repeated his question, grave and demanding.
“…I don’t know.”
“Don’t give me that!!” she exploded. “You’ve been saying that since this happened! You KNOW what you have to do, and that is to find whoever did this, and make them pay.”
Justice was silent. Andrelia’s bitter words were ringing in his ears, caustic and tinged with a hate that was both terrifying and totally alien in her mouth. Yet it was there now, however she had reached this point, and he knew she meant every syllable. Really, could he blame her? She wanted justice, after all, he thought with no small share of self-disgust. She wanted him to do his job, to actually make the right decision for once. Isn’t that what this was? Justice?
Except… no. It wasn’t. The young Prophet swallowed hard then, his heart faltering in his chest. Andrelia wanted something else… something he couldn’t give. This wasn’t his role. 
“…You want vengeance,” Justice said quietly, and the realization was like a bloody sun on the horizon.
Andrelia paused, her mouth a hard line, her eyes still wet.
“…Maybe I do,” she admitted at last.
Justice said nothing for a moment.
To hell with caution, he decided, and when he spoke next the words carried every ounce of the agony in his heart.
“So do I.”

He turned and left without a word, swinging his whole weight on the door handle as if it could offer him respite for even a moment, his steps practically a march as he forced himself to remain composed. He was getting too good at choking back tears. One day they’ll overflow on me, he thought bitterly as he rounded a corner and still refused to let his face admit the truth. One day I won’t be able to hold them in anymore, and it will serve me right. That will be true justice, Andrelia. I can promise you, I won’t escape from my own sins. I’ve tried, but it’s too late for that now.
He reached an outside door and swung it open before he could change his mind.
I’ll pay the price for what I’ve abandoned.

(So I was just typing out rough ideas for Dream World the other night and this one happened.
I really like it, even if it’s somewhat unrefined, so I’m going to share it with you.)

# dreamworld # jewelmonsters # justice # revenge # text post # btw they're not literal 'brothers' as we understand it # but it's the closest word i can find for their genetic closeness that is easily understood so # in any case their relationship is one of the most interesting gorgeous and heartbreaking things i've ever seen
 

Justice & Revenge are sitting somewhere together, about a foot apart, looking out over a vista view, probably of the city. it is overcast, smelling like rain.

…everything is gray and the entire sky feels like it is about to cry.
revenge is staring out at it, a look of directionless, anxious sadness on his face. he’s somewhat distracted and pensive. the breeze picks up.
justice is watching him, from the right. he’s visibly holding back his emotions but they are too powerful and honest and he is failing.
his mouth keeps shifting into a tight frown, and he keeps biting his lip, trying not to sob. his eyebrows are knotted with the same feeling, his eyes wanting to look away from his brother, to hide this, but unable to. he leans in and reaches out with his left hand, to gently cradle the side of his twin’s face with it. revenge’s eyes widen in surprise, but he does not flinch. he only turns his head slightly, causing it to nestle more completely in justice’s hand, as his brother pointedly wipes away the blood from that eye with his thumb.
revenge’s face crumples and softens both, just enough, at this sudden compassionate gesture. there is a sort of delicate hope in his face as he now watches justice pull his hand back, thumb still held up with purpose, still wet and red.
justice meets his too-fragile eyes with a gaze holding more contrition and resolution than he’s felt in years. his mouth tightens once more to match his throat, his breath now as full of waiting rain as the clouds. his blue irises are floodgates faltering before a sea.
justice pulls his hand in close, and with all the purpose of a priest, presses his brother’s blood to his heart jewel, and pushes down.
his entire body hitches in the same direction and a sob helplessly wells up from his throat, something desperate and burning and full of the ache that’s been living in his too-empty chest.
revenge’s eyes widen, still locked on the red-streaked gem, still painted with disbelief. his mouth opens for a moment, but his face is pulled tighter than his heartstrings as well and he cannot manage a single word, cannot manage anything but a shaky breath as his eyes now meet his twin’s, flooding crimson all over again.
he tries again to speak. his voice catches on something shattered and he falters, his shoulders crumpling into it too, everything in him slowly collapsing in the wake of that tiny consecrated motion before him.
and all at once justice is moving again, turning on his knees, both hands reaching out this time to cup revenge’s face as the distance between them finally closes– and revenge gasps, as suddenly and deeply as if he had been struck, as justice presses their star jewels together.
“show me everything,” justice whispers, his voice fierce and soft like distant thunder.