122222

[prismaticbleed]

 
Yes I barely got six hours of sleep again BUT I made a promise and I MADE IT TO BIBLE STUDY!
Even so, when I woke up at 7 the body was still painfully hungry? I'm so baffled by that. We're so bloated and nauseous, but we feel hungry. Gotta tell a doc about that.
Anyway, we had to fast whether our body liked it or not, so we packed an emergency Gatorlyte and hopped in the car for 8am mass.
I forgot how "benevolently folksy" the atmosphere at this church is. It's Irish Catholic and it's a small community, mostly old ladies as usual, but everyone's so friendly? And the priest goes out of his way to thank people by name for assisting with the liturgy. He offers prayers for people by name, and he gives homilies and spiritual comments in very frank, simple, conversational language. It's very different from our church-- we're Polish, our priest is very formal & by-the-book, etc. I adore my home parish, and honestly I fit that more structured vibe better, but the "coziness" of this parish is still nice. I love how different every church is.
Anyhow! All the old ladies were absolutely overjoyed to have me back at Bible study, haha! It meant a lot. Father S was, too; he actually knows my siblings from way back in Boy Scouts, and he also knows my aunt??? Which is surreal. But he's such a great guy. Very open, very honest, very personable. He holds the Bible study in the rectory, as I mentioned, and he always has coffee and snacks for people-- today he had nut/ poppy/ apricot rolls, and some Italian lunch options? Like wraps and antipasto I think. Another lady brought in an entire tray of Christmas cookies. I tried the decaf coffee but forgot that coffee makes us incredibly nauseous. We also tried three cookies, just tiny bites of each-- ricotta, orange cranberry, and cherry thumbprint-- but we aren't a fan of desserts so honestly it was just to "be part of the community." It was an action taken to avoid seeming standoffish or disdainful.
The study itself is very informal, which fits the church's vibe, and it's a nice complement to my personal translation/ etymology/ commentary studying at home. We also follow along with a simple Bible Study DVD? It's from 2004, which amuses me greatly-- that was a very good year for us creatively; several Leagueworlds were born then and it was the first full year I shared with Chaos 0. So every time they mention the date for the readings I have to smile. It's a benevolent time machine.
We did the reflection for the Christmas Vigil Mass in the oldschool "Seasonal Missalette," which we had at our church when I was a kid. I enjoyed those reflections a great deal. Today's was about how Christ is the Light of the World, and that all through His Life there were patterns of that Light shining through deepest darkness, notably at His Birth and His Death. The question for reflection was basically, "how have you seen the Light of Christ shining in the darkness of your life?"
...
The DVD went through the readings for the Feast of the Holy Family, which apparently falls on a Friday this year because Sunday is New Year's and that's the Solemnity of Mary. We read from Sirach, Colossians, and Luke.
...

There are always three "group reflection" questions at the end.
(list)
We ended up talking about our inpatient stay.
It felt... we were so ashamed. Talking about "what we're grateful for" and the "good we did" feels damnable. Like it's just sheer arrogance and attention-seeking. And maybe it is. Honestly I can feel when we talk about our alleged "positive qualities" that we're really just subtly screaming "i'm not evil! please look listen other people said i'm capable of good things!! i promise i'm not bad! please believe me!" etc.
...


By the time the study ended (~1045) it was SNOWING!!!
Barely made it home, poor Calvary was skidding everywhere.
Listening to FROST* the whole time YOU KNOW IT SON

Don't even remember getting home, brain an oversocialized disaster zone
Body was a wreck from fasting as well (and the coffee nausea) so concentration was rock bottom
I don't even think i talked to anyone during prep? couldn't pull myself together

don't remember eating breakfast

used the post-meal "coping time" to do more organizational stuff. for some reason panic translates into cleaning and orderliness? "OCD" behavior like grandma. exactitude "or else."
put post-it tabs with expiration dates on everything in the fridge, did math for when we'd need to restock things and wrote those on post-its and stuck them on the pantry door, then did more math for comparing protein options and prices to figure out what our smartest option would be both budget-wise and nutrition-wise

Could not tap into headspace so I sat down at Scherzando
And it immediately turned into a LEAGUEWORK DAY THANK GOD
Came outta nowhere, spent like four solid hours just trying to breathe life back into them at large. We've been neglecting them for too long.
I was focusing mostly on older Worlds that never developed; stuff from 2004-2007 that has stayed "conceptual" until now, or that was previously "shoved into" other Worlds and that didn't work.
I'm "de-fusing" all the World "combos" that some previous kid attempted a few years ago? Nope, the new rule is that every Leagueworld STAYS how it was when it was born. No trying to amalgamate things.
...


SO sick and weak though. it's been several days, getting worse in little but noticeable ways. can't shake it off.
Could barely do any biking; had to go slowly, only just hit 50m. Yesterday we did two hours of decent speed at maximum resistance (8) with no trouble; today, we had it on 5 and were getting heart palpitations and the urge to vomit whenever we tried to exert ourselves. Is this like a crash from overexercising? But then why all the GI distress as well? And we've been dizzy & lightheaded all day, too, even though our blood sugar has been around 82 to 92. Is that feeling from lack of sleep? Geez. Bodies are so weird. We're not used to this at all.
Still. It's a cross, if nothing else. We feel like absolute garbage but if there's one thing the Book of Job is teaching us, it's that you don't EVER complain against God. Even when you're suffering, there IS a reason for it, and in every case humility and trust are essential. God speaks to us and teaches us in a very special way through our pains, IF we listen. Pride and anger kill the soul. So does grumbling and stubbornness. So yeah, I don't like how gross this body looks and feels, but... if it's what God wants me to endure today, then I just need to say, "God, You see me in distress, and if You are allowing it to continue, then You see a good reason in doing so. You only allow suffering if it is for my spiritual benefit. I trust You in that. Help me cooperate with this, to learn what I need to learn, and not to complain or resist." But it's HARD TO DO, man, I really do not like this. Still. Like it or not, I can still love. When I love God, that takes all the sting out of suffering, because it frees your heart from the distrust that is the ultimate root of all complaint.
...

Speaking of Job! We're still studying chapter 36, or at least we were during dinner-- we finally moved on to 37 today, after like a whole month, haha. (We were just doing daily devotions for a while tbh; it's nice to be back into regular reading.) Mainly we were confused about the translations for lines 16-21; today we were focused on 18 & 20. none of the translations on youversion were giving enough clarity, so i looked for commentaries online.
WELL. THAT HELPED A LOT. apparently most of the common translations are not adhering to the original Hebrew? either that, or it's such a debated translation that the "easily read" option is preferred. still, that "easier" option says "Be careful that no one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside." HOWEVER the more "old English" style translations read, "Because there is wrath, beware lest He take thee away with His stroke: then a great ransom cannot deliver thee." BIG DIFFERENCE.
Studying the commentaries and comparing translations, we concluded that this verse is saying two important things, in those two ways of reading the original text. Let me paste my favorite translations here:

"Job, don’t let your anger fill you with doubt about God. And don’t let the price of forgiveness turn you away." (Job 36:18 ERV)

"...don't let your anger and the pain you endured make you sneer at God." (Job 36:18 CEVDCI)

"For let not wrath entice you into scorning chastisements; and let not the greatness of the ransom [the suffering, if rightly endured] turn you aside." (Job 36:18 AMPC)

“Don’t let your great riches mislead you; don’t think you can bribe your way out of this. Did you plan to buy your way out of this? Not on your life!" (Job 36:18 MSG)

And then verse 21 hits pretty hard:

"Job, don’t let your suffering cause you to choose evil. Be careful not to do wrong." (Job 36:21 ERV)
"Be careful not to turn to evil, which you seem to want more than suffering." (Job 36:21 NCV)

"Take heed and be careful, do not turn to wickedness, For you have chosen this [the vice of complaining against God] rather than [learning from] affliction." (Job 36:21 AMP)

"Be on guard! Don't turn to evil as a way of escape [from suffering]." (Job 36:21 CEVDCI)

...I've been feeling both of those translation-messages far too much lately. Honestly spending time with Mimic is making me think about my less-than-kind reactions to hardship with blunt sincerity.
I do run from suffering. Realizing that shocked and scared me. But, that's why we had bulimia. It's why we still get the urge to throw up whenever we feel even slightly sick, and it's why we're prone to addictions in general. When we're feeling nauseous or gross or depressed or scared or just wrong, our instinct is not to "endure suffering", it's to frickin bail. We dissociate. We look for an exit. We do evil things SOLELY to "stop the pain." I have to admit that. I see that so much with the ED nousfoni now, too-- how if there's the slightest chance that they will get "sick" from a food, they will immediately try to throw it up and throw everything else out. Wastefulness & self-abuse, because they refuse to take the chance of suffering. Yes, it's "survival instinct," but that can be taken way too far. True soldiers and warriors of faith don't prioritize earthly survival. They prioritize righteous behavior and MORAL FORTITUDE, which we truly want but also sadly lack.
...
 

mom called during dinner, 15m call
she got even less sleep than us, poor woman. she doesn't sleep well at all in general. but she had a rough day at work, crashed when she got home and just woke up now apparently? she was just chatting about youtube videos and cookie baking but to be honest i cannot remember the conversation because we felt so sick and we were in the middle of eating so our brain was very confused. so we feel really bad that our attention was awful.

we got so sick after eating? is it because we ate much later than expected?
wanting to throw up afterwards, again. fought it tooth and nail. still wondering why the heck this happens in the evenings. either it's the time, or it's the english muffin we have with dinner. gonna skip it tomorrow and see what happens.
tomorrow is going to be odd. mom wants us at her house for 9am to help her bake for at least five hours. so we have to pack a weird breakfast and have a completely different lunch/dinner mealplan. plus it's supposed to flash freeze in the afternoon so if we see the temp start to drop we have to book it back to our apartment because Calvary does not drive well in winter weather. I barely got up the hill to the apartment this morning, with that bit of snow!


It's 11:59, and I'm still believing, give me that sun red sky blue... yeah that's an ancient reference on my part but it is more relevant than ever tonight and what do you know, my phone alarm just went off.
"19 years. 💙💚🌊💍. Today All day."
...
I haven't typed about that for the same reason I run away from suffering.
I'm terrified of being vulnerable.
I'm terrified of myself.

I feel so unworthy. I feel so sick and wrong. I don't want to think about love or pain because they're the same bloody thing and I'm so empty and numb that... I'm just running and hiding. Pretending nothing is happening. Christmas is in less than 24 hours and I feel like I'm stuck in a timeless interim. Holidays? What are those? My brain has been "on hold" since the hospital! It's a nightmare. Whatever happened to life?
I know it sounds odd-- no, it sounds downright hypocritical to be talking like this, after all my talk of "progress" and "growth" and "hope" in recent days. But both things are true. Yes, we objectively are moving towards a better future in our innerlife, and hopefully even our outerlife, but... then we get days like this. Sick days, hollow days. And all of that good stuff is intangible. Right now I feel like a waste of skin and space. Right now I feel like the scum of the earth. Right now I feel like I'm not worthy or capable of love or joy or hope, and I sure don't deserve anything good. Hideous aberrations like me don't deserve anything but death.
Spiritual warfare, that's what this is. I expected this.
...Still.
It's still our 19th anniversary. Legit right now. It's 12:20 and God forgive me I'm not even going to be home for most of the day, I'll be in hyperspeed trauma-triggering social mode for like six hours, and when I get back I'll probably collapse in furious overwhelmed sobs and I won't be able to function. Why do I expect the worst? It's that bloody trauma, it always is, I've gotten so used to "the worst" being "the norm" that of course I'm going to default to catastrophizing. It's a thought distortion but it's also a protective instinct when your brain has seen and heard enough of disaster to not want to take any risks. Running from suffering. Spineless coward.
Geez this is not healthy language. Is it? I need to be harsh with myself. Laurie has been slacking off. There, I said it. I don't like how "nice" she's become. I've said that before. I miss her brutality. It's why I'm spending so much time with Mimic and his sharp edges. I want Laurie to stop giving me so much leeway. She's too merciful now. What if I want her to push me around again? What if I want her to threaten me with that axe if I'm being an idiot? I don't want to be coddled. I want to be a good person and for some reason I am CONVINCED that I can only be good if I am beaten into that shape.
...and I'm still so spinelessly scared to suffer. WHY.
What happened to the Retributor days? Why do we not get the urge TO self-abuse anymore? I used to adore the sight of all that blood. What happened? Why don't people shove me out of fronting to slice up our limbs anymore? Why is everything so freakishly "level" and numb and bland? Where's the life? Where's the honor? Where's the truth?
Where is all of the love I used to feel?
Why did "gaining weight and getting ugly" destroy my capacity to function positively?

...
I didn't draw myself, and I probably won't, even for this anniversary. I can't even say "our." I'm too much of a corruptive influence. I'm disgusting and at this point I'm... I'm so sick of life that I'm tempted to "throw out the world and become a nun" just like the pseudocore from 2018-2022 has been doing. Literally burning our history to cinders, and refusing to acknowledge a future, because she hated the world and only wanted to pray forever. The eating disorder took full advantage of that. Oh sure, you can easily pray for 5+ hours a day, just occupy the body with this! AND it'll make sure you suffer horribly every day, which ALWAYS brings you closer to God and prevents you from ever "liking" the world OR your life!! Absolute hell.
Still. I'm so tired.
I'm so tired of life. I'm so tired of physicality. I hate how often we update about food and daily events because "that's our life now, and if we don't write it down we forget days at a clip and our depressive despair gets even worse!" well dude maybe we should forget everything but headspace and religion? i don't care at all about daily life anymore i am so bloody tired of existence.
except.
except i share every single day with my baby girl now. my beautiful daughter. who cares dearly about me and does everything she can to encourage me. i hope to God i'm worth something to her life in return. lord knows i do try but i'm so utterly worthless. i'm no good for anyone. what the heck sort of benefit could my stupid isolated disgusting boring life do to anyone? i'm ashamed to think of how much success and honor and intelligence and accomplishment all the kids from our school and all our old acquaintances have achieved. even with their struggles they succeeded. our mom always pointed that out. "they can do it, why the heck can't you?" "why did god give me such freaks for children?" etc. someone is always better, smarter, prettier, stronger, more creative, more intelligent, more worthy of love. me? i'm just pond scum. i'm just a waste of flesh. i'm someone you wish you never met. "kill yourself you faggot/ bigot/ jerk/ monster/ etc."
so so tired of existing
and you wonder why i'm running away from "my" anniversary yet again.
...
he doesn't deserve this. he doesn't deserve such a punishment as me.
on the other side of the coin, who do i think i am having the absolute bloody gall to "love" him???

stupid body is hungry again
shut up. i am not giving you anything. i don't care if the blood sugar tanks. i'm tired, god help me, i'm so bloody tired of physicality. but i'm "scared of going back to the hospital," especially for christmas. i have to sing for it. i want to sing for it, rather. isn't that selfish?
god what do i do
why this suffering, what sin are You trying to correct? what are You trying to teach me? what good are You striving to bring out of this? please, i have no idea, i just keep screwing everything up, i'm so freaking scared i'm exhausted but please I don't want to be the villain anymore i don't want to do evil just because i feel dead, please give me some real hope of life beyond this absolute garbage bin of a "person" i am. this wreck of a self. this deplorable thing called "me."

i don't see a future for myself. at all.
i... if i try really hard to have hope, i can say that when i can feel the system, then i want a future, with them, but... right now, i feel alone and dead. literally dead. no hope at all. it's the self-hatred; it puts up plague-walls and nothing can get in.
...well isn't that just the problem. the plague. calcification.

i'm so sick of myself.
how am i supposed to exist when i live in this loathsome body. why is that so intensely disturbing to me.

another thing. slight topic switch.
i haven't been talking to chaos 0 at all lately. i'm not spending time with him at all. i only see him at night when i go to sleep and i get so many hideous flashbacks i haven't been really interacting with him even then.
i've forgotten how to love. i'm so tired. i'm so disgusted. i'm like... repulsed by intimacy. repulsed by anything vaguely like romance. it makes me feel filthy and evil. the instant resulting self-abuse is so maniacally violent it scares me. i want to die if someone so much as looks at me the wrong way. too many flashbacks.
i hate it. everything gets filtered through that bloody lens of past experiences that shook me to the foundations. i hate it. i hate that my brain is constantly so hypervigilant that it sees the tiniest similarities and screams murder about it. no chances. no risks. no remembering. no repeating. run and gun. get the heck out of there and if something or someone gets too close you snap and fight. like a wildfire. turns everything hydrophobic.
...god i want to sob but i can't feel a thing.

...wow this entry got really dark really fast.
that usually happens though. i let the automated stuff type out the daily notes, banal and embarrassing as they are, and then that humiliation just spirals down into this. "stop talking about yourself and the demeaning junkpile you call a life. shut the heck up before someone beats that arrogant stupidity out of you." except i wish someone would, especially a certain purple someone who used to be violet, i swear if i wasn't afraid of how demonic it makes me feel i would force her to switch hues myself, i'm sure i could wield that much power in here, but it would dehumanize me entirely.
what kind of a "human" am i anyway, oh wait, i guess i am "human" if i'm such a disgusting pig and a filthy whore.
i hate being "human" honestly. i always did, even as a kid. never "identified" as one. so grossed out by physical bodies and how other people acted. detestable stuff. i wanted nothing to do with any of it. i still don't.
but now i'm forced to admit and realize just how evil i actually am. and that "makes me human." it dooms me to obscenity. no wonder i want to die.
but job 36:20... don't be so bloody stupid. do you really want to die like this?
no. no i don't. it's why i refused to actually follow through with the suicide attempts in nc. refused to die in that filthy bathroom. refused to die in that atrocious state of life. refused to "let the devil win." put the pills down. put the alcohol down. put the knives down. step away from the ledge. you know the drill. yeah i was still an absolutely intolerable beast to the people around me, but hey, at least i didn't kill myself! you selfish abusive slut, maybe you SHOULD HAVE.

what in the world am i even typing
it's 111
i'm only going to get 6 hours of sleep again
then up that terrible house tomorrow with all the noise and flashbacks i am going to cry.
baby. stupid fat ugly baby. shut your whore mouth. crying is for the weak. crying is for manipulative abusers. crying is evil and offensive and disgusting annd wrong
i'm just spouting internalized trash at this point
wow no wonder we're so prone to bingepurges, how much glutted garbage is already in our psyche???

i want out
god i want out
i want to
"want want want" more slutty language shut up before i cut your tongue out

how ironic. talking about this with mimic all month.
"you have to want to change" "you have to want a better life"
well look at me, i refuse to admit that i do because that makes me a cowardly bastard. "i don't deserve better." etc.
don't want to be like this don't want to drag anyone else down with me no
absolute poltroon. get a freaking life
joke's on you, people like me deserve to be dead

"love doesn't use the word 'deserve'"

you know what the worst part of this is?
i'm going to burn out, stumble into that redlit bedroom, and that riverblooded creature is going to be there for me, and he's not going to hate me, and i won't know what to do at all.
i don't. i really don't.

i don't see him during the day anymore
i wonder why
no that's not rhetorical.
i mean i wonder if my subconscious has labeled him as "too sacred" to drag into my detestable daily struggle.
and yet we were all just discussing the incarnation again today, and how that choice of divinity to become human with ALL its abhorrence and wretchedness was a choice of love. god, literally GOD, decided to put apparent perfection aside and walk in the mud with us. because he wanted to give us the hope of a life better than this. something transcendent. and yet he also didn't want us to hate our current bodies. oh i know that goes completely against the fire and brimstone i learned. but it's true. jesus didn't hate his body. he didn't hate anyone else's, too. yes humanity is a fallen race but we aren't supposed to be. that's jesus's entire goal: transformation. restoration. recovery of truth. we're meant for light and love, REALLY we are, not all this cruel callous coldness. not all this rage and violence and bitterness. no fake tears, no panic attacks, no blame games, no manipulative schemes, no flashbacks, no abused people abusing people. what am i even trying to say

i'm so tired of feeling like love is too pure an emotion for a vile thing like me to ever feel.

this is why i run away from every relationship that gets too close, or looks at me too kindly
it makes me too acutely aware of the maggot-infested moirass i call a self
i'm a lethal contagion, get away from me, you'll end up dead or worse.

but it's been nineteen years
and even when i tell him to leave he won't.
even when i try to leave i can't.

i guess that counts for something.

it's almost 1:40. i'm too crushed spiritually to type any more.
six hours of sleep is pushing it at this point.

i really don't know how i'm going to deal with collapsing into bed and having him be right there. maybe i'll finally crack, let the light in, who knows.
it says a lot that i've been refusing to listen to music lately. that's proof of an internal hardening. music is cathartic. right now i'm blocking out all the options.
i really think it's trauma "prevention" nonsense. too many "near misses" in therapy, even at the beginning. too much "around the corner" horror threatening to burst onto the scene shrieking and covered in blood. really don't want to look at any of it. but i can't erase it. i've tried. it's been buried a long time but the hourly flashbacks are proof that it's clawing its way out of the coffin, thanks stupid weight gain triggers.
sorry. don't want to go down that route of vitriol again.

god help me please.
i could laugh, it hurts, i want to say "give me grace" but you always just point in that direction. "i did," you say. "you've got to open your heart to it first."
part of me angry at that but really the anger is just pain. wanting to cry. still can't.
god why. i'm not supposed to love him. or anyone. but especially not him.
why not, i am asked.
because i'm filthy dirty wrong stupid and he's not? because i'm just a faggot queer abomination remember? a laughingstock, an object of both mockery and hatred? someone who has committed too many sins to ever be able to function as a decent being ever again?
because he's nonhuman and nonphysical and that's "weird." and i'm stupid. and i'm not "doing what religion and culture and society obligates me to do" but god i'm so tired. i can't do it. i cannot. i cannot do it
i can't deny this either
i want to. lord i've tried. i am trying right now. stubbornly insisting that it's all fake, it was never real, i never actually cared, i don't even like him, haha it was all a ruse, game over, goodbye.
but then what? then what? what is my life then?
i have to turn off my heart to talk like that and that fact alone speaks volumes.
but "emotions are evil" my panicked "conscience" says. malformed as ever. "emotions are of the devil. that's why saints in paintings never smile. they always have flat faces and empty expressions because goodness doesn't feel anything. emotions are bad and wrong. if you feel them you are going to hell" etc etc etc
so what, making myself decidedly incapable of love is going to make me "good"???? i don't think so.

still.
too much trauma.
too much self-hatred.
legit terrified of someone wanting to get that close to me. scariest thing in the world
deep down i don't want to be scared of it. don't want to be afraid to be with him.
but i am. i'm scared of everybody right now because i'm so afraid of myself.

body getting real sick again
dizzy, heart skipping, shaky, nauseous. chest pain. headache coming back.
need to sleep. so tired inside and out.
god is this suffering punishment what did i do wrong please tell me so i can stop being so bad
is it the self hatred? is that it?
wouldnt that be ironic

god give me strength
yeah that's ironic too isn't it

don't let me die tonight
there's gotta be hope somewhere in all this
let me know your love in the morning
please.
i need hope. i need healing. i need to get my life together it's christmas for heaven's sakes

155am. i'm going to sleep.
hey by the way
tomorrow is still the anniversary. no amount of self-loathing can change that fact.
i know that makes you angry right now but please
stop and just read about what led up to this okay? if you can't feel anything on your own then read and remember.

there is hope, i promise you that, god is love itself and that's the ultimate fact of the universe
somehow everything is going to be okay

don't give up
it's gonna be all right