the spectrum heart cathedral system

Lamentations 2:17

Heb “commanded” or “decreed.” If a reference to prophetic oracles is understood, then “decreed” is preferable. If understood as a reference to the warnings in the covenant, then “threatened” is a preferable rendering.
[That's a KEY DISTINCTION! Covenant warnings, i.e. curses for infidelity, are NOT "decreed" in the way an oracle IS, because the curses are ALL preceded with "IF you do not obey"?? It's not a declaration, even though it IS a Promise, punctuated with "WILL happen" verses. But God does not "decree" any of them. His entire intention is that they CAN be avoided and SHOULD be; there is a GREATER "will happen" attached to OBEDIENCE!! So His "threats" are just that– possible outcomes that the threat itself is meant to help prevent entirely. Decrees, on the other hand, are SUPPOSED to happen and GUARANTEED to, regardless of conditions or response.]

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Hapax legomenon detour https://biblehub.com/hebrew/6314.htm
pugath: Cessation, intermission, respite
...denotes a pause, respite, or loosening of pressure. It carries the sense of a brief breathing-space rather than a permanent cessation, highlighting an interval in which anguish might slacken before resuming. This semantic range prepares the reader to feel the tension between continued suffering and the yearning for mercy.
[Oh that's a hard hit. Somehow I never considered that a particular mercy given may just be a breathing-space. "The anguish will resume." It's like ocean waves, and isn't that painfully resonant to my heart. There is calm, and there is chaos. How blessed it all is.]

In Lamentations 2:18 the city personified is urged, “give yourself no relief; give your eyes no rest”. Here the term serves as a command to withhold any easing of grief until the petition for divine intervention is fully poured out. The poetic voice intensifies communal lament by denying even a momentary let-up, pressing Judah to exhaustive repentance and supplication... genuine contrition cannot be abbreviated.
[The words "exhaustive" and "abbreviated" are SO IMPORTANT. So is "UNTIL," which is really the KEY to the others. We're not called to "exhaust ourselves" in acts of repentance and prayer without any hope. The reason WHY we're even pleading for divine intervention TO be "poured out" is because GOD HIMSELF PROMISES TO DO SO. Don't ever forget this. THAT'S what AMAZED us throughout our reading of the prophetic judgment oracles-- even after the most brutal & bloody declarations of doom upon the sins of His people, God offers hope. Even if it's a solemn, dark hope-- "I will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you, but with justice; I cannot let you go unpunished"-- it is STILL REAL HOPE. God will not destroy us completely. He is a God OF mercy, a God of COVENANT, and by THAT fact alone we have a solid foundation FOR imploring the EXERCISE of that faithfulness and compassion, which MUST happen at some point because if we repent, discipline cannot be indefinite; the whole point OF discipline is to lead us TO repentance so we can be HEALED. So we CANNOT "take a break" because, if we do, isn't that just implying that we don't really care that much about BEING healed?? We HAVE to exhaust ourselves like a marathon runner exerts every last ounce of energy in his body to reach the finish line first. We HAVE to pour OURSELVES out if we "expect" God to do the same in response. In any case, holy sorrow is purgative. It sanctifies us AS we weep. To seek "relief" from THAT is indeed unthinkable. "Abbreviating" our contrition, "shortening" it, is just as outrageous an idea as trying to "abbreviate" a love letter because "I'm too tired to write so much" or "there's better things to do." NO! Contrition and love are indeed connected, and to "abbreviate" EITHER shows that you're NOT REALLY FEELING EITHER. So God effectively prevents us from doing so, BY intensifying our suffering, to the point where we CANNOT "take a break" because our hearts really ARE that shattered. THIS IS A REAL GRACE. We should THANK God when we are driven to such depths of repentance that we HAVE an ocean to pour out before Him-- because He will meet it, when the time is right, with the unfathomable deeps of His Divine Mercy. You just have to wait until the holy tide comes in.]


Authorship traditionally attributed to Jeremiah places the word within a prophet’s theology of covenant discipline.
• The siege conditions explain why any thought of “relief” would appear almost treacherous; the people are called to sustained mourning that matches the magnitude of judgment.
[IS THIS WHY WE HAVE AT LEAST ONE NOUSFONI THAT "CRIES FOREVER"??? Does she FEEL the FULL WEIGHT of our past sins, with such a pure heart that relief truly IS treacherous for her? God bless her if so. We need to learn her name. But... here's a second, connected thought: who is aware of the JUDGMENT? That "eternal mourner" doesn't have that sense in her resonance. Someone else carries it... someone Red, I'm sure. It feels very close to Cannon's essence, to be blunt. She LIVED the judgment, in a way, or at least those in her bloodline did. But... this is key, this is important. The mourning for consequences, for sins, is vital, absolutely... but we ALSO need an equally keen awareness of the DISCIPLINE ITSELF. We need a nousfoni whose role is to partner with the Mourner, even if not directly, for the sake of sober prophetic recognition of the just discipline that CAUSED her weeping. She is a font of emotion, at heart, expressing the bottomless grief that HAS NO WORDS in truth. So those MUST be supplied, even revealed, by someone else. We NEED to have THAT active recognition and expression, too, a "prophetic role" really, in order to truly feel the WEIGHT of the TRUTH of our history, and to TRULY process and learn from and heal from it. We cannot do that if we won't look squarely at the JUDGMENT that DID fall upon us. Such ignorance only runs the real risk of missing the moral lesson God was trying to actually teach us.]

Theological Themes
1. Uninterrupted Repentance: The refusal of respite echoes Joel 2:12–17, where wholehearted, unceasing turning to the Lord is demanded in crisis.
("Truly, the day of the LORD is awesome and very terrifying– who can survive it? Yet even now,” says the LORD, “Turn and come to Me with all your heart in genuine repentance, With fasting and weeping and mourning, until every barrier is removed and the broken fellowship is restored; Rip your heart to pieces in sorrow and contrition, and not your garments.” Now return in repentance to the LORD your God, For He is gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness, faithful to His covenant with His people; And He relents His sentence of evil when His people genuinely repent.")
("Who knows whether He will relent and revoke your sentence, And leave a blessing behind Him, Even [an abundance of crops so that you CAN offer up] a grain offering and a drink offering-- from the bounty He mercifully provides you-- For the LORD your God?" ..."Perhaps He will change my mind/ reconsider/ and treat you with mercy. He might turn from His wrath and bless you with enough grain and wine FOR offering sacrifices to Him.")
("So blow a trumpet in Zion, warning of impending judgment! Dedicate a fast as a day of restraint and humility, call the entire nation to a solemn assembly. Gather the people, sanctify the congregation... No one is excused or exempt from the assembly. Let the priests, the ministers of the LORD, weep between the porch and the altar, And let them [cry out in heartfelt prayer], “Have compassion and spare Your people, O LORD! [Have pity on us and save us! Do not make Israel, Your inheritance and Your special possession, into an object of disgrace/ reproach/ ridicule! Do not turn us over to be mocked/ despised/ scorned, our very name used as a humiliating byword among the Gentile nations! Why should it be said among the peoples, ‘Where is their God?’ Don’t let us become a joke for unbelieving foreigners who laugh and jeer at our sufferings, saying, ‘Has the God of Israel left them?’”)


2. Divine Justice AND Mercy: By suspending relief, the text magnifies the weight of divine wrath while simultaneously implying that true relief lies only in God’s eventual compassion.
[NOTE THE "EVENTUAL". God ALWAYS gives compassion, because He can't NOT; it's His NATURE.]

3. Corporate Solidarity: The imperative is directed to the entire “wall of daughter Zion,” illustrating that national sin requires communal intercession without interruption.
[This feels very System-relevant. We can't "take a day off" in repenting for our sins, OR in "interceding" FOR our broken ones. To neglect that duty of "seeking salvation for the lost" shows that we don't value their souls as we should. Every day, our heart SHOULD mourn for past sins and lingering sins, and should DO something about it, even if all we can do is pray-- which is sometimes the most powerful and effective thing we can do anyway. But the "national" emphasis is very important. It means, for us, that, as parts of a System, everything each of us does affects EVERYONE ELSE IN HERE. So we HAVE to have this mindset, this "all as one" perspective, a sort of spiritual patriotism perhaps? "No man is an island," and no nousfoni is either, in a much more literal sense-- all our hearts and souls ARE connected, intrinsically. So, to KNOW that even ONE of us is living in sin, MUST move ALL the rest of us not only to intercession but to mourning, and righteous anger, and heartfelt zeal for their repentance. We aren't living in that sort of urgency yet, and we need to. Thank You God for this impetus.]

While the specific noun appears only once, its theme resonates:
• Psalm 77:2 is an individual analogue of unrelieved lament– “In the day of my trouble I [desperately] sought the Lord; In the night my hand was stretched out [in prayer] without weariness; My soul refused to be comforted... Lord, You have held my eyelids open [preventing any sleep or rest]; I am so troubled that I cannot speak... Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will He never again be kind to me? Has His steadfast lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His mercy vanished? Has His promise failed, canceled and unfulfilled? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Or has He, in anger, withdrawn His compassion and locked away His tenderness? Then I said, “This is my anguish, my grief, my wound– I am sickened by the thought that the sovereign One might have become inactive, that the power of the Most High is no longer the same... what hurts the most is that He no longer seems to help us; His faithful ways with us seem to have changed." But Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out His Right Hand. I will solemnly remember and gratefully declare the great works of the LORD. Yes, with all my heart I will recall and ponder the amazing things You did long ago, and I will tell and testify to others about Your ancient miracles wrought among Your people! I will reflect and muse on all your works; I will thoughtfully consider all your awesome deeds. I will meditate on all Your actions with awe and thanksgiving. They are constantly in my thoughts; I cannot stop thinking about them. Your way, O God, is holy [far from sin and guilt]. Everything you do is right and holy. No 'god' is as great as You– there is none who is great like our God! You alone are the God Who performs miracles, Who works wonders. You have made your strength known among the nations; You have demonstrated Your power among the people. With Your Own mighty arm You redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph... Like a shepherd, you led your people as Your flock. You chose Moses and Aaron to guide them, taking them by the hand, to lead them to the land You promised."
[I posted (and expanded the quotes of) practically this WHOLE PSALM because it is a PERFECT & POWERFUL ILLUSTRATION of the MOVEMENT OF "PRAYER WITHOUT RELIEF"– The refusal of comfort & rest is NOT meant to stay stagnant in moping despondency! The whole POINT of "not taking a break," of NOT seeking relief, is to DRIVE THE HEART INTO DEEPER DEPTHS OF FAITH that would NOT be possible if it kept "coming up for air"!! The abject lack of all consolation effectively forces the lamenting soul into the MOST BRUTAL HONESTY in prayer, because prolonged inner anguish means wounds are OPENED and LEFT wide open– and they are ABLE TO BEGIN HEALING in such a state. Ultimately, inevitably, and most importantly, though, this Psalm shows how even in our most agonizing awareness of judgment and doom, crushed beneath its weight, IF we only USE that to DRIVE US TO GOD and STAY THERE, even if all we're doing is sobbing out our terror that maybe God has abandoned us, the TRUTH is, He HASN'T, and our very NEARNESS to Him THROUGH repentant prayer that REFUSES TO LEAVE & SEEK COMFORT ELSEWHERE– not in some masochistic despair, but in the reverent awareness of such comfort being undeserved and unfitting and actually an obstacle to this opportunity to deepen and fortify the foundations of our faith; the bath of comfort would only douse this refining fire, and truly it is beautiful as it is terrible, just like God– PROVES that Truth in due time, because proximity to God ALWAYS TRANSFORMS & SANCTIFIES & HEALS. Paradoxically, your "pugath" WILL come, FROM God, even IN your tears and sighs and sufferings, whenever they are offered up to Him in sincere and unrelenting prayer, and your will surrendered to His Will with TRUST & GRATITUDE & LOVE. Suffering, especially under just judgment, is meant to RESTORE us to God. So why would we seek "respite" prematurely? Why not humbly accept whatever pain God wisely deigns, for however long it lasts, KNOWING He only does so to CURE us of sin's disease and TEACH us virtue? Why seek "relief" from the very treatment for your spiritual cancer? God has only cast you into this furnace to remove the dross from your soul. He wants to make you into gold. He can't just "take you out for a minute and stick you back in". No, you must remain until the good work is wrought in you, and if you stick it out, it will be. God's salvific purposes never fail, so do not resist them or seek to escape, or He will just have to "start the process again". But He won't give up on you... So don't give up on Him.]
("Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless, and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us, and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments, we might not despair, nor become despondent, but with great confidence, submit ourselves to Your Holy Will, which is Love and Mercy itself.")

• Isaiah 62:6–7 “Give Him no rest until He establishes Jerusalem” — watchmen adopt the same posture of relentless prayer.
[...That term still gives us Rorschach vibes. I don't think the Core that loved him ever gave up on him. Maybe one day he will actually anchor into the Outspacer spectrum. If so, I wonder if the Scriptural use of the term-- like this-- will become his true role. Lord knows we do need someone like this.]

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Return to Lamentations 2:18

Heb “day and night.” The expression “day and night” forms a merism which encompasses everything in between two polar opposites: “from dawn to dusk” or “all day and all night long.”
2:18 Heb “the daughter of your eye.” The term “eye” functions as a metonymy for “tears” that are produced by the eyes. Jeremiah exhorts personified Jerusalem to cry out to the Lord day and night without ceasing in repentance and genuine sorrow for its sins.
[...I'm getting major Infinitii, Jay, and Xenophon vibes from these two notes together. That has deep implications, especially for Xennie. She is indeed the "daughter of [Jay's] eye," i.e. of Infi, and therefore, especially since she resonates VIOLET, maybe her "hidden" and even "true" role DOES have to do with tears? Considering her status as a child, too, by "God-intended means," her having a function associated with weeping in sorrowful repentance would be absolutely relevant...]

2:19 The noun (levav, “heart”) functions here as a metonymy of association for the thoughts and emotions in the heart. The Hebrew (levav) includes the mind, so in some cases the translation “heart” implies an inappropriate division between the cognitive and affective. This context is certainly emotionally loaded, but as part of a series of admonitions to address God in prayer, these emotions are inextricably bound with the thoughts of the mind.
[THIS IS SO POWERFULLY RELEVANT TO HEADSPACE, ESPECIALLY FOR THE CORE(S)!! At some point I think we DID make an "inappropriate division" between our thoughts and emotions... maybe we've always had one, and never realized it until now. Actually I think our REAL problem is making a distinction at ALL. Differentiating between thoughts and emotions is something I cannot properly do right now?? How strange. This is a topic we definitely need to both discuss and feel together... and hey, there's a distinction. "Thoughts" means "to talk about," an external action, and "feel" is "emotions," wordless and internal. So when it comes to the Cores, the Hearts of the System, who are ALSO the ones who MUST do the most thinking, or else... HAS there been an unnatural breach here? Funny how I'm asking this AS a Core, or at least, as someone who is assumed to be in that role. But even as it's obvious that I'm thinking, what with all this typing, where is my emotion? Where is the "deeper" function of my heart? AM I "feeling", or am I just being affected by everyone else's feelings? The nousfoni assumed to be Cores have been complaining, or rather mourning, that for YEARS, they have felt "incapable of love." WHY. Is this comment the key? "Emotions are inextricably bound with the thoughts of the mind," NOTABLY in PRAYER? Do we need to change our thoughts in ORDER to experience emotions? Can ONLY GOD DO THIS for us? Are the emotions we "need" to feel (again, or for the first time) "hidden" or "locked away" IN prayer? IS THIS WHY OUR "PRAYER" HAS BEEN SO STILTED AND MECHANICAL??? IT'S ALL "THOUGHT," NO EMOTION---UNLESS WE'RE CRACKED-OPEN AND EXHAUSTED. That's when the thriskefoni get kicked out, because THEY DON'T FEEL. How bizarre. How revelatory. How did we NOT REALIZE THIS. It's WHY we "dislike" and "avoid" the rote prayer rituals, the monotonous ever-repeating cycles that are always "rushed" and "never good enough," prayers that feel more like courtroom recitations than a child talking to its Father. The only thing we do that truly "feels" like prayer is when we're so bloody tired that we can't "pray" all the cards, and we end up just talking to Him IN our tiredness. DOES that count as prayer? It's the only time we ARE giving Him BOTH feeling and thought... I wonder. We really do need to redefine our prayer life, then, without the crushing guilt-fear of omission and neglect. "If we DON'T say all the prayer cards we DON'T REALLY LOVE GOD," the thriskefoni panickedly protest. To them, there is "only ONE right way to pray," and it is by the script. But their hearts are never in it. I've NOTICED that, for example, when Julie is fronting in the bathroom and she pauses of her own will to just read one little prayer card on the wall, she prays it with her heart, because she's NOT trying to "make the qota," she's just worshipping, quietly and momentarily, but truly. She prays as a person, not as a machine. There's a big difference there, between a lover and a laborer, between a friend and a flunky. The only way FOR our heart TO be in prayer is for the SYSTEM to be in prayer, as our prayer, because we ARE our "heart"-- it's not just the Core, although their function is to be the coalescent kernel of it. I want to talk about this more in depth in a journal-- just what exactly it means TO be the Core of the System, the Heart of the Spectrum-- which would, really, BE a Prism, now that I think about it. But their role MUST be held as a WHOLE, a unity of both thought and feeling, of emotion and logic, of cognition and affection. The Core must hold them together in an embrace in their own person... or, perhaps, persons. Maybe Infinitii's death dealt more damage than we realize. There's so much to ponder here. In any case, PRAYER is STILL at the very heart of the heart itself. Without that connection to the Heart of GOD above all, first and foremost, our own will wither and die... and maybe that is what has been happening.]


2:19 "Lifting up the palms or hands" is a metaphor for prayer... Heb “on account of the life of your children.” The noun (nefesh) refers to the “life” of their dying children (e.g., Lam 2:12).
[...more gutpunch relevance, especially with that crossreference, which is to the children starving to death in their mother's arms, and fainting "like wounded warriors" from their devastating hunger.]

2:20 Heb “Look, O Lord! See!” When used in collocation with verbs of cognition, (raʾah) means “to see for oneself” or “to take notice”. The parallelism between seeing and understanding is often emphasized in Scripture. Integral to battered Jerusalem’s appeal, and part of the ancient Near-Eastern lament genre, is the request for God to look at her pain. This should evoke pity regardless of the reason for punishment. The request is not for God to "see" merely that there are misfortunes, as one might [mechanically and detachedly] note items on a checklist. The cognitive (facts) and affective (feelings) are not divided. The plea is for God to watch, think about, and be affected by these facts while listening to the petitioner’s perspective.
[This actually adds a gamechanging layer of meaning to prayers where we plead for Jesus or Mary to "look upon us" and/or "upon our sorrows/ afflictions/ sufferings," notably with "eyes of mercy". Those are prayers of lament in this regard, and we both echo and join with ruined & repentant Jerusalem in her anguish, as her children, even across the ages. I never realized or even knew this, but now it is so powerful, so humbling, and so heartachingly beautiful– because we, now, have seen Jerusalem’s hope fulfilled in Christ, and our laments over our lingering sins carry that truth of eschatological consolation within them. God DOES look upon us, ALWAYS, with PERFECT love and mercy, FROM THE CROSS. He watches us without fail, without obstruction or distraction, and with meticulous fatherly care. He thinks about us in every single moment, from all eternity even, with unwavering focus and wholehearted interest. He is so profoundly affected by our pain and sorrow that He feels it in His Own Heart– not just "with" us, but "WITHIN" us, with no disconnect between our immediate experience and His full participation in it. Jesus is the literal PROOF of this, inasmuch as He us the Incarnate PRACTICE of it. So yes, God DOES notice; God IS looking, and God DOES see, and God DOES understand, even more than we can comprehend... and, yes, He has infinite pity on us, displayed with utmost tenderness in the Face of His Sorrowful Son.]

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https://biblehub.com/hebrew/2949.htm
tippuchim: nursing (for a long span of time), tenderly cared for, born healthy 
...portrays the tender wrapping or nurturing of a newborn. The term evokes the sight of an infant securely bound in soft cloths— an emblem of innocence, dependence, and maternal care. Its use highlights both the fragility of early life and the instinctive protection offered by parents. 
[Motherhood is still a totally foreign concept to me, something I am piecing together through Scriptural bits of truth like this. I've never seen, not with understanding or perceptive eyes, a mother "caring for an infant." I can technically visually imagine a woman wrapping up a baby like this, but to believe that the woman is doing that as a mother, from a heart-space of tender nurturing love, something profound and deeper than I can fathom-- I cannot wrap my mind around it. The thing is... I wonder if Infinitii can. I don't think any nousfoni ever could; human sexuality is so abjectly horrifying that it REQUIRES a daengel to process whatsoever. The culture I live in, or at least my personal experience within it, also makes that last point difficult-- the "instinctive protection offered by parents." Why does that sound like a novel concept to me? How sad is that? Why does my mind immediately assume that once a baby is born it's already "supposed to fend for itself?" "Don't be so needy," "don't burden me with your problems," "stop leeching off of me," "you're so annoying, let me live my own life," "I don't have time to feed you, I need to eat too," "how stupid you sound, asking to be held! For what reason? Man up and stop being so effeminate!" etc. Isn't that an awful way to think? And yet, that's what's in my head, connected to "babyhood." It's a shameful, detestable mode of existence, something people curl their lips at and scoff, something my... something my grandmother would do, in contempt of our weakness and dependence, when we were children. Why do I remember such things? And our mother always told us to "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps," "get over it," be strong and pushy and loud and angry like her, all hard edges, even when she was trying to be soft she never felt safe, never felt comforting, never felt like someone we could run to and be held. The very thought of my even wanting such a thing fills me with utter shame and guilt. How awful. No wonder I failed (?) at being a parent up here. Or maybe, I was never given the role?? Jay was a wonderful father, until he shattered. Maybe that's why the syskids have "nothing to do with me." Being female-resonant, and with our history and trauma, I am inherently incapable of motherhood, either literally or figuratively. Am I? Am I "supposed to," almost like a destiny, solely because of binary associations, like God has written maternity into the very code of female existence, and if I do not "mother" something, I am not merely a cosmic failure, but in open rebellion against Him? These are the existential fears that haunt me. I cannot solve them now, but at least I can acknowledge them. In any case, we do need to deal with this whole "mother" topic within the System. SOMEONE has to hold it, or many someones, to hold different pieces of it-- the trauma memories, the bad mother mirror, the good mother ideal, the actual mother to the syskids... outspacers might help too. This is a huge effort but it feels strangely vital to our healing in general. Bookmark this topic. Read more about in in Scripture, extensively even, as soon as you can. We really do need to understand this, not only for healing purposes, but also for identity purposes-- our body is female, and so that existential dread is a tangible reality every moment of our life now that the Core Bloodline has shifted into femininity for both religious and trauma reasons. And THAT would be WHY this topic feels so urgent. IT'S THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE TO CORE STABILITY.]

The noun appears once, in Lamentations 2:20, within Jeremiah’s funeral-dirge over Jerusalem: “Look, O LORD, and consider! Whom have You ever treated like this? Should women eat their own children, the infants they have nurtured?" There, the tippuchim– the “infants they have nurtured”– stand as the starkest possible contrast to the horrors of siege-induced cannibalism. The word draws the reader’s focus to tiny lives that ought to be cherished, underscoring the unnatural depth of covenant judgment that has fallen on the city.
[...I haven't given enough thought to the "tiny lives that ought to be cherished" in our System, both the "corekids" AND the paidifoni, because of that mother fear I just discussed. But this... this adds an extra horrible dimension to the reality of the children in the System, because we not only have a history of sexual trauma but also of food trauma... and the kids are, I fear, being strangled by both. I cannot, even for a moment, ponder cannibalism. it's too horrible. I don't think, and hope there isn't, any parallel to that concept in System history. We have the graves, but they weren't consumed. That's a depth of evil we thankfully never sunk to, at least as far as I am aware, and I desperately hope to God that I'm right, even as I beg Him on my knees right now that we never, ever, ever reach that sort of "siege point" in the future.] 

Cut off from food and hope in the Babylonian siege, Jerusalem’s inhabitants suffered exactly what the covenant curse forewarned... Jeremiah, eyewitness to the devastation, selects the image of swaddled babies to intensify the lament: those once cradled in safety now become victims of desperation. The breach between Israel and her God is thus painted in the gravest of colors— life meant for nurture is consumed in judgment.
[This hits SCARY HARD. God IS Life AND Love; to betray Him in a MARITAL context of Covenant inevitably means CUTTING ONESELF OFF from BOTH those core attributes of His– which are, notably, exemplified in motherhood. For faithless Jerusalem to be doomed to hunger to the point of eating her own children is a catastrophically literal manifestation of what was happening to their souls??? HOW could a mother eat her own child, even if she was starving? It shows that survival instinct had overpowered maternal instinct– the body had overpowered the spirit; selfish interest had overpowered selfless sacrifice. Those women, by their rebellion against Love Himself, had numbed their capacity TO love. Their souls were starving for God, for innocence and beauty and truth and goodness, and these virtues are reflected in infants, and I wonder if, in their blind and mad desperation, they ate such children to satiate their souls as well as their stomachs. "Cut off" from God by sin, suffering the inevitable curses of infidelity, the very "fruits" of mortal marital joy were being destroyed in the most awful manner– a jarring symbolic reflection of what God's firstborn son, Israel – His beloved daughter, Jerusalem– was letting the devil do to her. The idols he worshipped, the earthly kingdoms she courted, were false parents as well as false lovers. The only "fruit" such "unions" ever bore was either rotten or stillborn. But the evil one did not care– he was only interested in feeding himself, by devouring the lambs of the LORD. Satan is a ravenous lion, a merciless shark, a cunning wolf, who never stops hunting down the helpless little ones to be his next meal. Why does God let this happen? I do not know, other than that He put the power to prevent it in Jerusalem’s own hands. They AGREED to this horror EXPLICITLY, listed as a Covenant curse FOR infidelity to Him, their Husband– Who NEVER WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN, BUT WARNED THAT IT WOULD IF THEY LEFT HIM, WHO IS LIFE AND TENDER LOVE, BECAUSE WITHOUT HIM, WHAT ELSE IS THERE BUT DEATH AND VIOLENT HATE? God IS their Good Shepherd now and forever, BUT if they REFUSE to stay under His protection, and run directly into what He SAID was the predator's den, even after He AND His prophets tried MULTIPLE TIMES to hold them back and pull them out... well, one day, they're going to get bitten. They might even be eaten. That seems to be the extreme yet natural end of sin– consumption, destruction, devouring, not for gratitude and nourishment, but for either passion or poverty. In both wanton gluttony and desperate gorging, food loses its dignity along with the abused body. Sin just wants to swallow things up for its own benefit, either literally or figuratively– and in this siege brought on as the direct consequence of such arrogant behavior, Jerusalem is forced to enter into sin's own way of "living"... a lifestyle in direct spite of Life Himself, Who sin rejects utterly. What else would such a hellish mindset do with babies? They are a "burden," an "annoyance," a "curse," a "parasite"– profitless, expensive, exhausting, utterly "useless" and "of no benefit" to anyone, especially not the mother... except as food. And THAT is the HORRIBLE yet inevitable end of ALL persistent sin, of ALL idolatrous "marriages," as faithless Jerusalem has doomed herself to learn firsthand– when God is forgotten, and Self rules in His place, then love dies, life itself loses its value, and everyone else is just prey.]
[An equally awful thought = its like Van Gogh and the yellow paint. I get this exact way when I'm deeply depressed to the point of desperate distress; my immediate instinct is to BOTH vomit and overeat– to get rid of the poisonous feelings inside me, and to take in something good and pure and clean and right, because in my sinful condition, I LACK ALL OF IT. Truly the only REAL way to "get" such virtue is through God, by repentant outpouring of the heart in prayer & receiving grace in His time & on His terms, NOT by the demanding & forceful self-indulgence of stuffing my stupid face even with objectively healthy food. It's still a forn of idolatry. I'm still not going to God first & foremost & finally. My soul is still starving. Nothing will ease this screaming sobbing hunger except the Bread of Life Himself.]

INSIDE OUT 2 REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS: TOOLS FOR NAVIGATING EMOTIONS AND IDENTITY

(ANXI'S SYSTEM JOB: "EUSTRESS")

(THE LINE THAT HURTS MY HEART THE MOST: "JOY, I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU")

✳Anxi telling Joy "you aren't what [Riley] NEEDS anymore" HURTS, because of what it ALSO says about her OWN HEART. Anxi is SO FOCUSED on "ENSURING SAFETY" that she doesn't factor in the FACT that Riley STILL NEEDS TO BE HAPPY & ENJOY LIFE. Anxi is too scared of "failure" to just "let go" of CONTROL & just "BE IN THE NOW." ALL of Anxi's "happiness" is CONDITIONAL & FLEETING; she's easily shaken back up by the next "threat" or "what if." SHE CAN'T RELAX. ...or at least, NOT UNTIL THE END OF THE FILM, when SHE IS EMBRACED BY JOY, WITH ALL THE OTHER EMOTIONS. And then JOY HERSELF helps Anxi relax, WITHOUT "SHUTTING HER DOWN" OR "BRUSHING OFF"/ INVALIDATING HER ANXIOUS CONCERNS!! JOY SEES & HONORS ANXI'S NECESSARY FUNCTION, & TOGETHER THEY CAN ALL BE HAPPY!! (because they are ALL LOVED)

✳ANXI SUPPRESSES THE "MAINS" BECAUSE SHE'S AFRAID THEY'LL PREVENT RILEY FROM REACHING HER NEW "MATURE" POTENTIAL?? THIS IS BOTH SCARY & TRAGIC. ANXI LITERALLY "OVERRIDES" JOY/ SORROW/ ANGER/ DISGUST/ FEAR! SHE IS HYPERFOCUSED AND BLINDED BY IT...

✳ANXIETY DESPERATELY WANTS TO BE ACCEPTED, INCLUDED, & LOVED WITHOUT PRETENSE. Ironically, her FEAR of REJECTION causes SELF-SABOTAGE and only COMPLICATES/ FRUSTRATES her efforts. (RILEY NEEDS TO LOVE HERSELF FIRST)

1. THE DOWNSIDE OF POSITIVITY:
✳ANXI WORKING POSITIVELY allows EXCITEMENT??
"At the start... Riley believes “I am a good person,” heavily influenced by Joy’s positivity. In fact, Joy goes so far as boot out shameful or painful memories..."
✳Joy is operating on the FALSE ASSUMPTION that "GOOD PEOPLE" DON'T EVER DO SUCH THINGS?? ("PERFECTION") (ironically a CRUEL MINDSET) (OUR "TOXIC SOCIALS" DO THIS!!!)
"...How does Joy’s effort to keep Riley happy sometimes cross into denial or toxic positivity? What are the potential consequences of ignoring painful or shameful emotions?"
ALL EMOTIONS ARE VALID, IMPORTANT, AND REAL. But those emotions EXIST FOR GOOD REASONS!! It would be WRONG for JOY to be our response to EVERYTHING, and to DENY/ FORGET/ SUPPRESS/ PUSH AWAY any emotions that are "uncomfortable" is to DIMINISH OUR HUMANITY. We NEED to feel PAIN & SHAME & SORROW & ANGER & DISGUST. We even, I argue, NEED to feel ANXIETY, because she CARES. BUT IF JOY IS THE ONLY "ALLOWED" emotion/ STANDARD, then ALL our emotions become UNHEALTHY/ INCOMPLETE. WE NEED THE FULL SPECTRUM to be EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY & GENUINELY HUMAN. To ignore the hurting/ scared parts of us is to HOLLOW OURSELVES OUT. Dissociating from "bad memories" SHATTERS YOUR SENSE OF SELF by SLICING YOUR HISTORY & HONESTY TO PIECES. It's ALL YOU! 

2. ANXIETY'S ROLE IN FUTURE PLANNING: "The movie shows a power struggle between Joy and Anxiety. Anxiety takes charge of guiding Riley’s decisions about her future, saying “You aren’t what she needs anymore, Joy.” When we grow up, do we feel less joy? How does Anxiety’s focus on future planning both help and hinder Riley? 
JOY IS ONLY "IN THE PRESENT MOMENT"!! vs. ANXI = "WHAT'S NEXT?"
Reflect on times in your life where anxiety has been both a motivator and a challenge."
A realization: JOY is IN THE NOW. ANXIETY IS IN THE FUTURE. (DEPRESSION is in the PAST??) We feel less joy ONLY inasmuch as we WORRY about the unknown/ undecided; adults HAVE to "plan ahead" & consider obstacles, BUT this can become OBSESSIVE & prevent HOPE/ OPTIMISM too, claiming NEGATIVITY alone is REALITY. But IT'S NOT. REALITY IS ALSO BEAUTIFUL. We must ALWAYS ALLOW SPACE FOR JOY. Nevertheless, Anxiety IS helpful, as she DOES strategically set us up for success WHEN SHE'S HEALTHILY DIRECTED, & ROOTED IN TRUST IN PROVIDENCE. Anxiety SEEKS CONTROL to "ensure success" BUT SHE CAN NEVER "GUARANTEE" IT due to unpredictable variables. THAT'S where she NEEDS to TRUST, as she STILL motivates us to DO OUR BEST. And AS she relaxes into FAITH, there IS ROOM FOR JOY, in EVERY outcome. It's radical but LIBERATING. We DO NEED JOY, but IN TANDEM WITH THE CROSS! (TRUTH = LOVE!) 

3. THE VAULT OF SECRETS: "Joy sends less than great memories to Riley’s vault. There Riley stores her embarrassing and shameful secrets and suppresses painful memories to the back of the mind... Riley’s vault of secrets represents how we often hide our most painful memories. 
FROM WHOM? Primarily OTHERS or OURSELVES? Is that significant? (YES)
How do you see this coping mechanism playing out in real life, and what happens when we finally face these hidden emotions?"
(We become WHOLE at last, but it HURTS and it's HARD. They carry WOUNDS.)
I have been hiding/ suppressing trauma memories for YEARS out of shame/ pain, because I felt I COULDN'T "accept" & INTEGRATE them into my REAL HISTORY without DAMAGING MY IDENTITY BEYOND REPAIR (hello, D.I.D.!). THAT part happens LONG BEFORE I even consider how others would "view me" = the REAL pain & shame is PERSONAL. Even ALONE, I "DON'T WANT TO BE THAT KIND OF PERSON," BUT I make the FALSE ASSUMPTION that THOSE MEMORIES & EMOTIONS ALONE "DEFINE ME." But like Joy said, EMOTIONS DON'T DECIDE WHO I AM. NEITHER DOES THE TRAUMA. "I AM MORE THAN MY MISTAKES." + SHAME IS "EXTERNAL"?? IT IS BASED ON OTHERS' RESPONSES TO US? So we can ALSO hide memories that AREN'T "bad," EVEN ones we LOVE, SOLELY OUT OF SHAME-- the FEAR OF REJECTION/ SOCIAL UNACCEPTANCE. But then we're MISERABLE & SUPPRESSED & DISHONEST. The "vault" is a way to "cope" with that anxiety. BUT IT NEVER SOLVES THE PROBLEM. The problem IS DENYING OUR HEART'S TRUTH!

4. HOW IMAGINATIONLAND CHANGES FROM CHILDHOOD:
✳ The FACT that IMAGINATION EXISTS IN CHILDHOOD & DOESN'T NATURALLY DWELL ON THE NEGATIVE IS ESPECIALLY PROOF THAT ITS TRUE, INTENDED PURPOSE IS POSITIVELY CREATIVE! Thoughts are POWERFUL & eventually they WILL & DO DEFINE OUR REALITY! THIS IS WHAT ANXI DOESN'T REALIZE-- NEGATIVE FOCUS ONLY FOMENTS NEGATIVE OUTCOMES. Her worried heart is TRAPPED in a LOOP. There MUST be a PROPER BALANCE-- Anxi's realistic concerns about a fallen world & its dangers, and Joy's childlike optimism capable of idealism. EITHER of them in extreme is a DISTORTED VIEW. Nevertheless, imagination IS BUILT FOR JOY-- it HEALS THE HEART when properly used for LOVE and HOPE!
"...Imaginationland evolves to include Mount Crushmore (crushes) and gossip. Anxiety puts the “screenwriters” to work anticipating multiple negative scenarios. 
"ANTICIPATING" IS THE DANGER WORD!! (DOOM)
How does this shift reflect the changing inner world of teenagers and young adults, and how do these changes mirror your own experiences?"
We actually noticed this in REALTIME with our dream journals. As we were forced to exist "outside" more & more, we started to DREAM about WHAT MADE US ANXIOUS OUT THERE. I don't think we were CONSCIOUSLY admitting that stress, what with the people-pleasing Socials, who had NO INTERNAL ANCHOR. Honestly our imagination was RULED BY JEWEL all through our teens & THANK GOD FOR THAT, because it PRESERVED OUR CHILDHOOD SENSE OF JOY & WONDER. Still, she WAS also the one in charge of LOVE, and THAT'S HOW *INCIDENTS* STARTED. To be honest, those ALSO seemed to be tied in to processing/ living out our anxieties-- the Tar/ Plague would MANIFEST those fears & threats, as did the early Kakofoni. This was how we COPED, and it's what Anxi is ideally TRYING to do-- if Riley can IMAGINE the negative scenarios, then she can ALSO imagine how to CONQUER/ PREVENT/ AVOID them. The problem is that Anxi is SO focused on anticipating as many possible problems as she can, that she's draining both her & Riley's confidence & capacity TO challenge them-- something, ironically, that ONLY JOY CAN DO. The two need to WORK TOGETHER. Joy CAN'T imagine things going wrong & she gets BLINDSIDED-- OR blinds HERSELF to the problem. Anxi struggles to see anything BUT the threats, and although she's prepared to face them, it's EXHAUSTING & can feel OVERWHELMING to the point of HOPELESSNESS. And yet, SHE'S DOING IT FOR JOY! ANXI IS ONLY TRYING TO POINT OUT THE NEGATIVE SO WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT & ALLOW/ ENABLE JOY TO FLOURISH!! 

5. INTEGRATION OF NEW EMOTIONS: "Joy shares, “I’ve learned every emotion is good for Riley.” As Riley learns to accept emotions like Embarrassment and Envy, how does this contribute to her overall emotional growth? 
It is PROGRESS for Riley to FEEL all these complex emotions!
Why is it important to embrace all emotions, even the challenging ones?"
✳Keyword = to EMBRACE. We really DO need to CHERISH our emotions AS THEY ARE. 
It's important because THEY ALL SPEAK TRUTH. God gave us the capacity for emotion & EVERY ONE teaches us about ourself. We can be far too quick to stick a negative label on a challenging emotion, BUT the way NATURE of a challenge is to PROVE YOURSELF & GROW IN CHARACTER. Plus, suppressing/ denying/ fighting/ rejecting ANY emotion is effectively SILENCING YOUR OWN HEART. And NOTHING can grow if you keep crushing part of it, just because you don't understand it. EMOTIONS ARE MESSENGERS-- effectively, they are ANGELS, teaching us something about our God-given humanity, & giving us countless opportunities for building character & strengthening virtue. Not only that, but LOOK at what those "challenging" emotions DO! Embarrassment works to help FOSTER MATURITY & PROTECT SOCIAL REPUTATION; he shows up when he perceives Riley has done something "immature" or "socially inept," challenging her to move into young adulthood and to be more wise and collected in her behavior. And Envy is in tune with Riley's desires and dreams, keeping an eye out for things that reflect & reveal more of her identity as she grows in self-awareness, and seeking to bring them into her life. She affirms Riley's individuality, AND how she can still relate to/ connect with others who have what she ALSO wants in her life. Emotions are powerful and essential to what it means to be human. Accepting them all for exactly what they are is the ONLY way to truly KNOW THYSELF and to both GROW & IMPROVE, by LISTENING CLOSELY to what they have to tell us, and SITTING WITH THEM AS FRIENDS-- as PART OF OUR SOUL. You CANNOT BE WHOLE WITHOUT THEM. You need ALL your heart's colors!!

6. PERFECTIONISM AND SELF-WORTH: "Anxiety’s struggle with perfectionism is intended to drive improvement. 
✳KEYWORD= SHE STRUGGLES WITH PERFECTIONISM!! IT HURTS HER, TOO!!
✳KEYWORD 2 = "IMPROVEMENT." ANXI CAN SEE THE IDEAL YOU AND WANTS YOU TO ACHIEVE THAT!
It contrasts sharply with Joy’s message of self-acceptance. How do these opposing views shape Riley’s self-worth, and how do they resonate with your own experiences? How might these beliefs influence your decisions and emotional responses in everyday situations?"
(Anxi my beloved you break my heart)
Our self-worth has BOTH personal & social components, and they sadly tend to contrast. Anxi deals with BOTH. Socially, we are TAUGHT that our worth depends on our USEFULNESS, our SUCCESSFULNESS, and our CONFORMITY to CULTURAL STANDARDS. These are all SHALLOW & FALSE but they still shout loudly & most people (especially teens) end up desperately scrambling to "be perfect" simply to be ACCEPTED into their communities. Internally, Anxi SEES OUR POSITIVE POTENTIAL and WANTS us to reach it-- but she doesn't realize that it's an EVER-HEIGHTENING GOAL and WILL take ALL OF OUR LIFE to strive after, and NEVER "REACH" FULLY, BY DESIGN! Perfection ISN'T POSSIBLE in the way humans define it. We ALL HAVE FLAWS and we ALL MAKE MISTAKES and we ALL STRUGGLE TO BE OUR BEST SELVES. This is PART of the beauty of being human. Ideally, Anxi pushes us to HEROIC VIRTUE, as she is KEENLY AWARE of SPIRITUAL WARFARE and HOW EASILY WE CAN SLIP & FALL. But she, too, can get tangled up in the devilish lie that we're NEVER "good enough"-- that we CAN'T be accepted even AS we struggle. But that's where JOY comes in to help her. Joy DOESN'T JUDGE OR CONDEMN, so she feels UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS & COMPASSIONATE PATIENCE even as Anxi reminds us that we're "at war" and we NEED to constantly fight the good fight; Joy can become blinded to the continuous need for Anxi's perceptive challenges for improvement. BUT WE HAVE INHERENT WORTH and Anxi NEEDS to trust that, no matter HOW society may regard us-- their rejection DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE "BROKEN". If she BELIEVES this, Anxi's job becomes VALIANT, not frightening, and actually STRENGTHENS our sense of self-worth.  

✳ANXI WANTS TO BE A GOOD PERSON-- BUT HER STANDARDS ARE TOO HIGH!!

✳REMEMBER Anxi is ALSO a "PEOPLE-PLEASER." This isn't bad-- it can be harnessed for ZEALOUS CHARITY & it SHOWS that she has a HEART FOR SERVICE-- but it becomes a problem when the MOTIVE is "TRYING TO EARN LOVE/ ACCEPTANCE/ APPROVAL/ WORTH/ etc." With SELFWORTH, Anxi's drive BECOMES SELFGIFT???

7. REFLECTION ON CORE BELIEFS: "Riley as a child believes she is a “good person.” Later, Riley starts to develop a new core belief, “If I’m good at hockey, I’ll make friends.” What core beliefs do you hold about yourself, and how do they impact your actions and emotions? Can you relate to her struggle between “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a good person”? Is there room for both??"
This ACHES. That struggle is CAUSED BY RELATIONSHIPS-- even a child will believe they're "not good enough" if THAT'S HOW THEY'RE TREATED. And for that EXACT reason, I USED to have the terribly distorted core belief that "I AM A MONSTER." I believed that "I'm a BAD person" and so I felt INCAPABLE of doing/ being good, REGARDLESS of my efforts. And my poor emotions were JUST AS TORMENTED. I COULDN'T FEEL JOY because even when I DID, I'd PUNISH myself for it in SELF-SABOTAGE that MATCHED that core belief. Now, thanks to both my stay in E.D. inpatient care AND my falling in love with Anxi, I NO LONGER BELIEVE THOSE DISTORTIONS. 
...


8. EMBRACING COMPLEXITY OF SELF: "At the end... Riley not only learns to appreciate the importance of all emotions, but adds complexity to her core self. How does this resonate with your experiences of self-acceptance and understanding others’ multifaceted identities?"
Being a System makes this effectively MANDATORY. Although our emotions are practically personified in some cases due to compartmentalizing, they are HELD & FELT BY PEOPLE and EVERY ONE OF US IS NECESSARY AND REAL. 
...


9. REFLECTING ON FAULTS & SEEING OURSELF IN OTHERS: "Joy’s confrontation with Anxiety’s dominance leads her to reflect on her own similar actions. Have you ever seen your own traits reflected in others’ faults or mistakes? How has this realization helped you grow or change? This exchange leads Joy to realize that she, too, cannot control Riley’s identity. Have you ever experienced a situation where someone’s faults or mistakes helped you recognize similar traits or behaviors in yourself? Have you ever tried to shift thoughts about a difficult person or relationship to be a self-lesson, like looking in a mirror?"
We have an ENTIRE ENTRY about this in the Archives and it has become a HABITUAL SHIFT for us. 
...



(worksheet unfinished due to being discharged from the hospital before we could do so; if possible we will complete it here, and mark the added sections as such)

 

Transportation failure
Phone calls

Mass online. New church!
Homily about "fickleness of faith"; getting tripped up by temptations & desires, "double minded" really. This vacullation versus stability of martyrs: focused on Jesus, devoted to Gospel, DEDICATED UNTO DEATH.
"Are we fickle when it comes to our baptismal commitment, to our living out the Christian commandments, or are we more like a martyr?  Being consistent, making Jesus Lord of our lives,  Not just When it is opportune it works out it feels good, but even in the most challenging of times.  Let us pray that we may continue to know God's will and live God's will each and every day."
Lovely music. Couldn't tell if it was live or not at first because it was so well orchestrated, but then the male singer's voice cracked twice and it was so endearingly human, honestly I loved it even more for that.
(find it and link it here. i want to remember it.)

Phone appointment
Breached trauma topic at last

Daily book devotionals
STILL TERRIFIED OF MATRIMONY METAPHOR.
Lord please I NEED to work through this because it's SEPARATING ME FROM JESUS. 
...
Thank you letter comparison with Psalms, very sweet & thought provoking.

VOTD Craig Groeschel!!!!! Fave dude
HOLY GRIEF. (PENTHOS!!!!!)
Quote the reflection because DANG
...and yet, I don't grieve enough.
My tears feel shallow. My chest feels hollow. My heart feels empty. It's that old "scraped-out" sensation, awful and bereft, like someone took a dirty spoon and just carved out my insides like a gourd. Nothing is left but the hard rind.
...I wonder if this means more than I ever realized. I legit feel the Holy Spirit winking at me.
I keep saying "I need to get my fire back." I've been frozen for so long. Maybe that's what God has scooped out so totally-- maybe all my guts were iced. Maybe it all HAD to go. But then... what? I'm no longer a consumable object. Oh my gosh. There's nothing in me to rip out & eat anymore. I'm emptied out. But I'm not useless. Now, God can reach in, right down through where He's knifed me through, in a perfect circle plunging deep, like a halo or a laurel wreath... and He can place His candle in me.
... I need to think about this more later, when it's not breakfast. God give me the grace to hear & listen & understand & accept & WRITE IT DOWN.

...but, man. I have a TWISTED VIEW of "comfort."
Please reread 2 Corinthians 1. My definition is all wrong. My heart has gotten so hard & cold; honestly at this point I think it's even studded with spikes. It's vaulted against all invasion, all touch, all closeness. It's armed for defense & repellant, and despite all those protective efforts, it's dying. It has forgotten it is a heart.
How did we get this bad? When? God, what do we do now? What first step do we take? Should we be careful, or should we just take a sledgehammer to it?
...

SPEAKING OF HEARTS & WEAPONS
Bizarre visual during therapy. On evil porch. Infi AS INFIDHELL. huge, horrible, all teeth.
I was there floating above, AS "ME"???? body mirror BLACK RESONATING form. Solemnly reached INTO CHEST to get sword-- as all Cores do-- BUT it came out like a twisted black metal sword COVERED IN BLOOD. And I stabbed "Infi" down through the skull, impaling "TBAS" below as well, with that nightmare grin frozen on their face.
I realized Jay couldn't do this, OR Jewel. Jay can't attack Infi AND the WHITE Core Sword-- which is crystalline-- CANNOT BE USED SO BRUTALLY. Same with Jewel, resonating at heart RED, she is for battle but NOT death? But... I pulled out a BLACK sword. And it is MEANT to deal out death-- but GRAVELY. It is NOT for battle. It is for EXECUTION.

...
BTW the scent of that "peppermint bark" lip balm from the hospital pings Jay SO HARD. It is absolutely his vibe.
He's so pure, so good and shining and softhearted. But that is also what killed him. He couldn't see the shadows as shadows. He loved the things in the velvet dark. He shone so brightly that he couldn't admit he was capable of being blinded by that very light. He didn't rot, he didn't even calcify really-- he got bleached out. Like a skeleton on the beach, he was stripped bare and left to crumble into dust.

...

Okay I NEEDED this kids devotional I actually laughed out loud=
https://www.bible.com/en/videos/42466?orientation=portrait&utm_content=story_clip&utm_medium=share&utm_source=yvapp
Darn good challenge too. That is, scarily and surprisingly, something we struggle with VERY much. We're afraid to speak up for Jesus because we feel we CAN'T speak of Him properly. CNC showed us both our foolish pride, and our utter ignorance. We didn't know God at ALL. So... we still hesitate to talk about Him. DO we know Him even now? It's our biggest fear.
But darn it we HAVE TO TRY. Its not about relying on our own stupid knowledge. We're always gonna come up short. What we NEED to do is TRUST THE HOLY SPIRIT TO GUIDE US and then COURAGEOUSLY SURRENDER TO THAT GUIDANCE. Believe me, when you let HIM work through you, WITH LOVE, then you CAN speak rightly about God-- because GOD IS LOVE and without that basic foundation behind your words you're SUNK!!!
And you DO love God. We all do and you KNOW IT. Be brave for the sake of that love. Be humble in your human weakness but confident in God's mission & grace, and so go forth and fight the good fight of loving faith & faithful love with the sword GOD gave you-- His WORD!! Remember, YOU'RE not the light-- CHRIST IS. Your words aren't what matters here; HIS ARE. And THAT sure foundation is where you can stand steadfast against any verbal storms.
Sorry I'm rambling. But please, don't bite your tongue when you have a chance to mention God, even just in passing. Be a witness. Be a martyr of the heart. Say you know Him.

...
Fasted by not putting extra salt on the eggs, because it's the Ember Days. It was amusingly difficult, haha. But that's good, that made it a real sacrifice.
We can't fast much else otherwise, as we're already a vegetarian eating 1.5 meals a day at ~1200K. Our priest told us flat-out not to lean anorexic with this because boy howdy despite all our petty whining last night we ARE VERY TEMPTED to restrict to extremes for proud "look how much I can torture my body" bottom line ascetism. It's not about giving up for love, in that mindset-- it becomes instead about cutting out for spite, or beating up for hate.
Plus the Lord knows that our mental health plummets the more we neglect the body-- which we like to do more than is healthy, again from a spiritually sick standpoint of body refusal & loathing, which DOES go against the sanctity & destined Resurrection of the body in Catholic doctrine which we NEVER LEARNED until we accidentally stumbled across it recently-- and when we get that bad, prayer & service become very muffled & tainted. So we do need to eat.
It's admittedly hard, though. We don't like feeling like we're a coward, or a milquetoast. We WANT to be strong & suffer more. But that's PRIDE yet. It's just the misogynistic vanity finding another outlet. We have to be honest about our ugliest faults; only once we have named their specie and looked them dead in the face can we properly plunge a sword through their jaws.

CONCERNING LAZARUS'S GRAVE-STONE=
"What is now shewn as the sepulchre of Lazarus is an excavation in the ground with steps down to it. The stone would keep out beasts of prey."
IS THAT WHAT WE DID TO OUR HEART???

Went into "heart Cathedral" during prayer. I forget what inspired it. BUT WE HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO GO THERE IN YEARS!!!!!!
AND IT HAS CHANGED.
it is now BLACK and GOTHIC looking architecture. Smoky stone black, not inky or painted, but like those old ancient churches in Europe with the stone darkened by decades of candles... and our Cathedral is FULL of red candles. Little ones in dozens of rows, like we love.
We can't see the stained glass yet.
The place is so quiet, and feels smaller than the original WHITE Cathedral, the one tied to the Jays (NOT the Lotus Cathedral-- that was DIFFERENT remember!!!!)
But GEEZ. WOW.
GO BACK THERE IN A MEDITATION ASAP. WE HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD SOULDIVE ADVENTURE IN AGES. IF WE CAN SEE THE CATHEDRAL, IT'S TIME. THIS IS A LITERAL MILESTONE. IT COULD BE A HINGE. DON'T LET THIS GO UNEMBRACED.

...

FINALLY watched Porco Rosso tonight
WE DIDNT EXPECT IT TO BE THIS GOOD, OH MAN
Forgive me, honestly. It was such a touching film. Beautiful.

Chaos 0 and I suddenly so in love after. Around 1230am so no surprise there but... I miss this. Quiet and unexpected but so real and deep.

Nervous about tomorrow schedule. Gotta just put it in God's hands. Daily Mass FINALLY returns on Friday. Get some sleep before then kiddo

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(faithpasting tonight was an actual spiritual experience. read it here.)

For lack of a better term: all these individuals were the "default fronter" in musical settings, and may have been splinter cores. Nevertheless the ties to music as a whole speak to a great significance in the System function.

(later note: yeah we started this for music but it's become SO MUCH MORE than that. still, music is an unexplored and important anchor, ESPECIALLY FOR MEMORY.)

(another note: SOME OF THESE KIDS (like jarda & jheriz) WERE OBVIOUSLY NOT CORES. THEY HAD HYPERSPECIFIC FRONTING CIRCUMSTANCES, usually tied TO their music banks. That means there WAS a Bloodline EXTANT PARALLEL TO THEM.)

(AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT NOTE: I was wondering why there seem to be frontliners that ONLY fronted for musical circumstances? Well that is ACTUALLY CORRECT. They existed as a very specific subspecie of corpufoni, MEANT to be COMPLETELY ISOLATED from ALL other bodybased activity, INCLUDING THE SOCIALS. These unique "music fronters" literally existed ONLY to listen to music. That was HOW WE SURVIVED. They existed in this bubble of wonder and untouched joy that probably kept us alive during the trauma that we were completely unable to process at the time.)

------------------------------------------

ARTISTS THAT NEED TO FIND THEIR ASSOCIATED CORE/PSEUDO/SOCIAL &/OR DEFINITIVE TIME PERIOD(S):

• COUSTEAUX
• EW&F (definitely an elementary kid, but when?)
• The Flashbulb (iTunes era?)
• Jukebox the Ghost (BEFORE the massacre)
• Beirut (Last.fm era for sure)
• Brian Setzer (high school obsession, but whom?)
• Empire of the Sun (BEFORE SLC??)
• Everything Everything (BEFORE Scalpel)
• Daley (NIGHT FRONTER.)
• Allen Stone (Flairousia summer)
• Imogen Heap (Oneircia era)
• Hauschka
• Bersarin Quartett (very unique era and particular person)
• Orson (One of the radio kids?)
• PUNCH BROTHERS (I know it was Jay, but when?)
• Hiatus Kaiyote

SUPER OLD "ORIGINAL KID?" MEMORIES: 1993-1995?? The absolute earliest child. The spark of every flame to come after.
"JESSILYN." The ORIGINAL given-name kiddo and honestly the ONLY person with the RIGHT to that name. I don't think we had any pseudonyms at this point because we didn't see ourself as an individual yet, and certainly not "human." We kinned dragons & unicorns & bats & pterosaurs. Our color was magenta. It was a very different time of life.
Liked Winnie the Pooh, Mighty Mouse, the Pink Panther, Babar, Dudley the Dragon, and the MAGIC KISSING DRAGONS (1994). We remember seeing those IN STORES and begging mom for them.
Very sweet kid. DREW THE "BABY EATERS" THOUGH.
We have very little first-person EXTERNAL memory of being this child. What we do remember has to do with either extreme emotions (those baby-eaters) or our IMAGINATION, notably with our "DREAM FRIENDS"-- at this point being Unisalia, My Cobra & his band, and the original JEWEL ALIENS & JEWEL DINOSAURS!!!
Her music largely comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma.
"Solid anchor in HOME, no internal self-presence yet. Her life clung hard to every warm note of safety she heard in these songs.”

• ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
• PAUL ANKA
• ANDY WILLIAMS
• NEIL SEDAKA
• BARRY MANILOW
• RITA COOLIDGE

OLDEST MEMORIES: 1996-1997? 1995-1998? Pre-social childhood.
"ARBUTUS" codename. Sense of self tied to CHILDHOOD HOME LIFE. Key "image" is the arbutus flowers in the yard when we went exploring, and the wisteria bush outside our bedroom window. Also tied to the scent of the cream-flower bedding, the old yellow rug, the ivory cushion bench we would hide stuff in, the old standup bathroom mirror, etc. ANCIENT memories.
INDOORS & NON-SOCIAL CORE!!!! Also MAGENTA CORE?
EXTREMELY CREATIVE KID, because living inside & without social contact/ close parenting, her days were saturated with MEDIA. She is NOT anchored in the home, but in that MEDIA!!
Her music still comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma, mostly. We had virtually no other non-movie exposure.
DRAGONHEART WAS 1996 AND WE REMEMBER IT!!!
She also has ties to HERCULES (toys were 1996), GUMBY (1995), PRETTY PIGGIES, CARE BEARS, STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE, FERNGULLY, WE'RE BACK, THE SECRET OF NIMH, THE LAST UNICORN, THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER, and THE LAND BEFORE TIME (ozzy and strut are an injoke TO THIS DAY).
Don't forget the oddly notable impact we also had from the Chipmunks Adventure, Pooh's Grand Adventure, the Rescuers, Tubby the Tuba, Raggedy Ann & Andy's Musical Adventure, and the Jetsons movie!
Books were ANIMORPHS (1996), WHISPER THE UNICORN, "THE DRAGONS ARE SINGING TONIGHT," and "DRAGONS AROUND THE WORLD." All hugely influential.
She ALSO had the FIRST VIDEO GAME EXPOSURE with ECCO THE DOLPHIN!!!
POKEMON DID NOT EXIST YET!!!!!
LEAGUEWORLDS WERE MY COBRA, ZIMBO THE ALIEN, THE SNEAKERS, and THE UNICORNS

• Kid's movie soundtracks

SCHOOL MEMORIES BEGIN: 1998-2000?
"WISTERIA". COLOR SHIFTED FROM PINK TO PURPLE. This kid has LIFE in her!
She shares house-environment feelings with Arbutus, BUT THIS KID ALSO HAS SOCIAL MEMORY. Arbie did NOT.
Pokemon hit at last, and schoolmates start to bring their music in.
LOTS OF BOOKS AND TELEVISION, from the school library and mom, respectively.
This was BEFORE video games became a solid part of our life!!! So there was NO STABLE "FOUNDATION" TO BLOOM FROM at this point, BUT we could feel it when Pokemon started arriving on classmate's lunchables boxes, haha.
Her sense of self was SHIFTING & FRAGMENTED and we saw only glimpses of it in her creative writing.
THIS WAS THE FURBY KID (CHRISTMAS 1998)!!!
SHE ALSO LOVED TAMAGOTCHI ANGELS (1998), DIGIMON (JAN 1998), BEANIE BABIES (BATTY WAS 1997, STINGER WAS 1998), MLP G2 (1998), ASTEROIDS PS1 (1998; arguably our FIRST GAMES), A BUG'S LIFE (1998), and STAR TREK VOYAGER (8472 into 1998).
SHE ALSO HAD A "POCKET PIKACHU" (1999) AND TOOK IT EVERYWHERE.
Also Jason & the Argonauts?? I think this was when mom started to show us more "adult" movies.
BOOKS were mainly ANIMORPHS, Goosebumps, but also THE PRINCE OF WHALES!!!!

• 101 STRINGS???
• Lying on mom's bed and listening to "Instrumental Gold" on loop with the bros
• Some stuff from mom & dad: the Beatles, Kenny Loggins, Jeff Beck, Bruce Mitchell, etc.
• Bruce Mitchell

THE VERY FIRST JEWEL LIGHTRAYE: 2000-2002?
WE FINALLY GAIN A DISTINCT & TRUE SENSE OF SELF and she's a RED CORE.
Moralimon is our LIFE at this point.
MARCH 2000 WE MET CELEBI!!!!
JULY 2000 WAS THE POKEMON 2000 MOVIE. This was referenced in the POKEWORLD-WAR JOURNALS.
OCTOBER 15TH 2000 WAS POKEMON SILVER. We bought it ASAP after the release.
APRIL 2001 WAS THE THIRD MOVIE. WE REMEMBER SEEING IT!!!! That is UNHEARD OF!!!
THIS WAS ALSO WHEN WE GOT KLONOA and that CHANGED OUR ENTIRE LIFE
Other games: RIPTO'S RAGE was HUGE (2000), also Rayman? (1999), Buzz Lightyear (2000), and the racing games we would just go wild with haha. We'd customize cars for Moralimon and then purposely drive backwards on the track SOLELY to smash into other cars in the most dramatic way possible.
BIONICLE WAS 2001!!!! That was an ABSOLUTELY MONUMENTAL INFLUENCE TOO.
So were our books-- this era included A WIND IN THE DOOR, YOUNG WIZARDS, THE SEVENTH TOWER, DELTORA QUEST, and BALINOR!!
WALKMAN DAYS!! ALSO the days of the MIXTAPES!!!
SHE WORE THE POCKET PIKACHU 2 (2001) EVERYWHERE. That was attached to our belt, nonstop, for YEARS. She adored it.
THIS WAS THE TIME PERIOD OF THE WS MUSIC CAMP, aka our HUGE CRUSH ON HOLLI, and the FIRST TIME WE SANG. We were hooked for life, on both choir and cute chicks, haha.
ALSO, REMEMBER, STARTING AUGUST 2001 WAS POKEMON CRYSTAL AND WE HAVE CARDIOPHAGY MEMORIES TIED TO THAT. This Jewel was the REAL DEAL, ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
Lastly, the most important distinction to remember with this kid? SHE WAS NOT A TEENAGER, and she was NOT INTERACTIVE ONLINE!!!! SHE SPENT ALL HER TIME TYPING FOR THE LEAGUE.
Jewel was an absolute creative force; her imagination was unstoppable.

• The key to remembering her tunes: JEWEL MONSTERS. Probably lots of mom-given stuff.
• BASIA & GLORIA were BOTH Moralimon "karaoke" songbanks.
• Windham Hill samplers
• Yanni
• GEORGE WINSTON
• WINDHAM HILL
• "PREMIERE" piano album
• ELO???? Remember it was first the OST for SYNDOULOID!!!!! Try to feel out those memories for a timestamp!

arguably "CRYSTAL"??? the first SOCIAL SPLINTER of a Jewel??? 2001-2002??
Although existing at the same time as Jewel, JEWEL WAS INTERNALLY BASED. She existed vividly, but ONLY IN LEAGUE CONTEXTS!!! On the outside, SOMEONE ELSE WAS FRONTING WITH FAMILY & SCHOOL. We're thinking THIS is that kid.
Her music is therefore influenced by WHAT MOM PLAYED WHEN DRIVING. I think the key distinction would be that THESE songs WERE LARGELY NOT TIED TO THE LEAGUE (they didn't often match the vibe)-- and we ONLY HEARD THEM WHILE IN A CAR.
She is also POWERFULLY TIED TO THAT MUSIC CAMP as a result of the drives up & back.

• BASIA, notably "The Sweetest Illusion," during that awful porch summer with mom cleaning
• Grand Funk Railroad
• Eagles
• Boston
• Oliver
• k d lang??

THE "RUBY" JEWEL: 2002-2003?
Her time period is SUPER INTERESTING.
On one hand, SHE was the kid who FIRST got the crushes on RYOU & MARIK, in which her vibe feels VERY similar to the original Jewel-- it was LEAGUE-BASED. She began to write CROSSOVER COMICS/FICS in which she was hailing FROM THE DREAM WORLD, AS A WORLDJUMPER. She was not yet "LINKED" to anyone yet; she was only just unspooling the thread!!!
Her personal journal (the "daffodil" one) became MANIC in tone in 2004, BUT IMMEDIATELY PRIOR IN 2003, it was MARKEDLY sweeter and more sentimental, and it is ALSO where she drew herself sitting under that tree WITH RIO, with her Klonoa hair BUT in her "NEW OUTFIT". Even then we remember feeling a personality-anchor change inside. Her personality was SPLITTING and it was VERY OBVIOUS.
SHE WAS A TEEN AND IDENTIFIED AS SUCH. THE ORIGINAL JEWEL DID/DOES NOT!!!
SHE ALSO STOPPED TYPING for the most part, as her ENTIRE FUNCTION QUICKLY SHIFTED FROM THE LEAGUE TO HEARTSPACE!!!!!
WAS SHE THE ONE WHO STARTED THE "~thoughts~" FILE??? (HAD TO BE-- it was PKMN/LEAGUE aesthetics, and the first entry in there she IDENTIFIES AS CELEBI. GO CHECK DATES)
As for notable dates:
Yugioh began airing 2002, with Battle City beginning in NOVEMBER 2002. That was when we got into it; the previous Jewel AVOIDED IT out of "rivalry"; it was either YGO or PKMN and she chose the latter. (This is ALSO why we NEVER had a Digimon-core; our "exclusive loyalty" mindset prevented that)
Pokemon Ruby was also released in MARCH 2003. That was HER ANCHOR GAME. She also "had a crush on Blaziken" which is notable.
SHE WAS NOT INTO SONIC YET. SHE WAS STILL 100% POKEMON.
OH YEAH BUT SHE PLAYED STARCRAFT. That affected the League more than anything at first.
APRIL 27TH 2003 WAS THE CHER FAREWELL TOUR!!!
WE HAD A PURPLE BOOMBOX and a PORTABLE CD PLAYER as well as our trusty Walkman.
This kid BEGAN TO GO THROUGH MOM'S CD COLLECTION, which exposed us to SO MUCH NEW STUFF.
A HUGE DISTINCTION: THIS KID DIDN'T HAVE ACCESS TO INTERNET MUSIC YET!!!!!
HOWEVER WE WERE ONLINE NOW. She also started our NEOPETS ACCOUNT!
Don't forget, she was ALSO MORALIMON FOCUSED-- but THIS was when PART TWELVE HAPPENED, which shifted EVERYTHING in a much more emotionally raw direction. Also VEZ.
ALSO THIS WAS THE FIRST CORE TO OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGE BEING MULTIPLE!!! This was because HEARTSPACE OPENED UP and she began to exist as a person IN FIRST PERSON, instead of third!!!
LASTLY, remember how I mentioned Starcraft? THIS IS ALSO WHEN WE MET WALDORF!!!

• Pokemon OSTs
• CHER obviously
• ENRIQUE IGLESIAS (2002)
• LA BOUCHE???? I think that was HER, because SHE was the FIRST "radio kid" technically, but ALL HER TUNES WERE MORALIMON ASSIGNED. Not so for the later kids; that switched to HEARTSPACE!!!

CELEBI, NOT CELEBREON, WAS OUR POKE2/MEWACHU PRESENCE ONLINE.
Her vibe was tied to JEWEL, NOT HOSEKI.
2001-2002, arguably?
NO ONE HOLDS HER MEMORIES. Even when we visit her old websites, WE HAVE NO FIRST-PERSON RECALL. Her vibe is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than anyone else's. Literally NO ONE HOLDS THOSE MEMORIES BUT HER. They are shockingly hyper-exclusive.
WE WERE FULLY AWARE SHE WAS "SOMEONE ELSE" IN OUR HEAD. We clearly remember CHANNELING writing "from her perspective" and being disconcerted as to "why it didn't sound/feel like us." SWITCHINESS BRO. But yeah this was 2002.
Remember she was LEAGUE-ANCHORED and LIVED IN THE MORALIMON WORLD.

• I THINK SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "CELTIC" STUFF??? (Bruce Mitchell)

The FIRST Jewel-splinter took over as the "main" Social, and that was CELEBREON!!!
HER time period was 2004.
Remember we were ACTIVELY IDENTIFYING AS NONHUMAN DURING THIS TIME-- when we tried to draw ourself AS "JEWEL," IT DIDN'T PING. (Remember the "Christmas outfit" existential crash!) WHICH IS BIZARRE BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER.
She feels UNIQUELY SEPARATE from ALL the "Jewel" splinters!!!!
Her memories begin in LATE SEVENTH GRADE and STOP IN EIGHTH GRADE!!!!
ALSO. Remember this was when we wrote PaRS for school, and we were a self-insert... AS CELEBREON.

• CHER. For some reason SHE feels tied to that era even moreso than Ruby.

THE "SPINNINGCANNON" BLOODLINE IS BORN: 2004
TECHNICALLY A TEMPORARY BLOODLINE NAME "SHIFT" TO "HOSEKI"???

(THERE ARE DISTINCTIONS HERE THAT NEED TO BE CLARIFIED. THERE WERE SEVERAL INDIVIDUALS HERE-- THE "JEWEL" BASE, THE HOSEKI SHIFT, AND BLACKBERRY)

HOSEKI = “2004? The end of the GBA era, as we moved into the internet era. The first SHIFT in the Jewel bloodline.”

BLACKBERRY = “2004! Our first fully online Core, after Hoseki laid the foundation. But this kid was FULL TIME ANIME.”
SHE WAS “MEW BLACKBERRY.” I THINK this is also the “Jewel” that drew herself with Genesis in the old diary?? She looked TOTALLY DIFFERENT from anyone before.
Also, WAS "BLACKBERRY" OUR "FLCL" KID???
They were NOTABLY out around CHRISTMAS, listening to the OSTS, which were released in LATE 2004, and we remember someone buying it NEW at FYE. So this was LATE 2004- LATE 2005, and this is a VERY DISTINCT VIBE. 
WE KNEW GENESIS in that vague memory when we were blasting "Penalty Life" while putting up the Christmas tree with grandma!


JEWEL-SPCN = “2004. Chaos 0 and J-Rock. Our heart was waking up.”


OUR FIRST FULLY "ONLINE" CORE. ALSO OUR FIRST "VIDEO GAME" CORE!!!
LOTS OF ANIME EXPOSURE. "Sailor X," "Mew Blackberry," etc.
Her main distinction is that she was SELF-ANCHORED. ALL of her true associations were LINKS. If she got into a fandom, she LITERALLY "GOT INTO" IT!!!
Starting to branch out into "non-family" music, thanks to the internet AND now having BOTH permission to be more "free" in public AND an earned "allowance" to buy stuff at Waldenbooks & FYE (instead of Pokemon cards, which the previous Jewel spent her music cash on).
HUGE shift in personality; with high school on the horizon, and queer feelings under the rug, this kid was a quick but notable "break" from the "Ruby" Jewel, shifting hard focus from the LEAGUE to FANDOMS.
Remember her Freewebs site; she was SHEER HYPER MANIA... BUT WITH MANIA COMES RAGE.
SHE WAS OUR FIRST EVER "CORE" TO HAVE A DARK SIDE.
This was also the SONIC CHAT era, which says a LOT about her state of mind.
MEDIA: FFI, SONIC BATTLE, BIONICLE MASK OF LIGHT, STARCRAFT BROOD WAR, DOKAPON, SONIC ADVANCE 3!!! She also got Pokemon Emerald but DIDN'T LIKE IT. She also CLEARLY "REMEMBERS" NOT FEELING LIKE THE SAME "JEWEL" FROM RUBY. She even named her team differently, which was MONUMENTAL.
MANGA & ANIME: SAILOR MOON, FLCL, CHRONO CRUSADE, TOKYO MEW MEW, DI GI CHARAT, X/1999, GUNDAM SEED, DRAGONBALL Z. Just learning what anime was and we LOVED IT.
THIS WAS THE SONIC INVERSION YEAR, when it became a legit World of its own.
This was ALSO the "CHIBIKERRIGAN" YEAR.
IT'S ALSO THE LOTR & POTC YEAR, and those four latter fandoms were ALL BONDING WITH VIRAL.
Something else that's key: I THINK SHE FIRST WORE THE "CATHEDRAL BURST" GLITTER SHIRTS??? and stuff from "FANG" and "SELF ESTEEM." Absolute glittery Y2K fashion, with dragon belts and anime hair and spandex jeans with oversized sneakers.  it was awesome.
HOWEVER. SHE WAS NOT "IN LOVE"... AT FIRST. You remember the written chats with AMG; even then, SHE WAS TOO MANIC, even DELUSIONAL, and almost VIOLENT at times. 
We really didn't "fall in love" deep until we started work, and our entire System's fronting mechanism had to change, making a VERY HEAVY BREAK between "socials" and "dreamers," as it were. But that comes later!
This kid was too wild. She was obsessed with Skitty, Deoxys, and Jirachi. She liked Marik because HE was wild, too. She WANTED TO BE HARUKO HARUHARA.
HOWEVER don't forget that this kid was ALSO CLOSET QUEER. She was getting feelings for girls A LOT now, and deep down she DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ONE-- hence that "magazine epiphany" that rocked her world and PROBABLY BROKE HER FUNCTION CLEAN TO PIECES.
Honestly there was a LOT GOING ON PERSONALITY-WISE during this time. We KNEW there were "other people" in our head, INCLUDING CELEBI, JULIE, WALDORF, "MY THREE," AND ARGUABLY LAURIE. And we EXPLICITLY WROTE IN A JOURNAL THAT (EFFECTIVELY) "JEWEL IS THE REAL ME, BUT I'M NOT ME ON THE OUTSIDE." We remember struggling to try to explain to people why we "didn't act like ourself," and how existentially terrifying that was, to not be able to control who we were in public. We HATED the dissonance. But we KNEW there were splits. 
As a result THIS time period is going to be the HARDEST to pinpoint musically, but once we do, that is going to shed a LOT of light on things. Expect much typing.

• SPINNINGCANNON (the one who wrote music and drew on Bitmap? she WAS MANIC at first): Freewebs & Geocities BGMs. Chrono Trigger, Studio Ghibli, Sailor Moon... stuff we heard playing on other people's websites. Golden memories, honestly. It was like a whole world in there.
• SEAL, BUT ENTIRELY BY ACCIDENT. I wonder if that even stuck with us yet?
• THE KILLERS???? Remember that was a MORALIMON ALBUM! but it also HELD OUR "DARKER" EDGE, something VERY NEW AND IMPORTANT.
• FLCL OST and "the pillows" in general. Our "J-Rock" intro phase was CRUCIAL. It marked the BIG SHIFT in our Jewel-core's heart as a result of FALLING IN LOVE WITH CHAOS 0. Remember those were HIS ALBUMS.
• L'ARC~EN~CIEL. This was Chaos's flagship album, and a milestone in our life.
• T.M.Revolution, which was HOSEKI'S vibe!! She loved everything Gundam; remember Sazabi & Bakunetsumaru???
• Basia's "Time and Tide" album because QUEER FEELINGS AHOY
• QUEEN, due to realizing that ONE SONG was in Japanese. I clearly remember this was during the "DEOKISHISU" era (2004 movie), and also Gollum-coughing constantly. That was the MOST MANIC WE'VE EVER BEEN.
• TODD RUNDGREN???? When exactly did he become central to our musicsphere? Remember Dad HID the albums "until we were older" but we snuck "Second Wind" off the top shelf one day and were IMMEDIATELY FLOORED. We looped it for MONTHS.

REMEMBER--- THE "SPINNINGCANNON" NAME ARGUABLY BECAME A BLOODLINE OF ITS OWN ONCE WE BECAME MORE SOCIALLY ACTIVE ONLINE, ESPECIALLY ON DEVIANTART!!!!! HER ULTIMATE PERSONALITY WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM THE MANIC HOSEKI ROOTS!!!

THE FIRST SPINNINGCANNON WAS THE KID WHO WAS ALWAYS ON NOTEWORTHY COMPOSER??? I assume so because THAT'S HOW SHE SIGNED EACH TRACK. She wrote some darn good stuff too!
She LIVED ON THE COMPUTER and THAT is her key distinction from Hoseki. Spinny spent ALL her time looking and creating, personally and quietly. Hoseki spent her time TALKING AND HEARTSPACING.
BY THE WAY... WE STILL HAVE THE WINDOWS 98 IN OUR CLOSET... WITH ALL HER FILES. GET A FREAKIN' KEYBOARD & SCREEN AND LET'S BOOT THAT BABY UP


"spinningcannon" time period but OFFLINE??? 2003-2004.
Codename "JIRAI" because remember she SHIFTED FROM CELEBI/CELEBREON TO JIRACHI!!!!
Non-manic, quiet, secretive, sweet, candid, EMOTIONAL.
“Quiet mornings, quiet feelings. Our last "legendary girl", who fizzled out when high school hit hard. Introspective, sweet, candid, naive, mysterious, loving.”
NOT SOCIAL!!!! THEREFORE CAPABLE OF LOVE!!!!
DON'T EVER FORGET SKITTYGIRL, her very existence speaks VOLUMES as to the state of our innerself beneath the social mess. Hoseki DIDN'T DEAL WITH HER; that was all UNDER THE RADAR.
I THINK she was ALSO THE ONE WHO WROTE ALL THAT LOVE POETRY ON THE OLD COMPUTER???? She would listen to instrumental "new age"/piano music (mom's stuff) WHILE writing it, and I remember she saved it to that FLOPPY DISC WITH CELEBREON DRAWN ON IT. We were in elementary school still because it was lost on Ms. R's computer!!!

• KEANE???? That would mean SHE WAS OUR FIRST REAL SINGER???
• ENYA!!!
• MORE YANNI
• WINDHAM HILL??? Again, from mom.
• PAUL SCHWARTZ?

An UNEXPECTED person that we can ONLY place from album release dates-- someone from 2004-2005 with CAR MEMORIES who is TANGIBLY SHIFTING TO THE HIGH SCHOOL TIMELINE, BUT who is tied more to FAMILY??
Very unusual. Feel out their memories; they are NOTABLY unique.
Codename "JOBI" for obvious reasons-- also because they STILL had powerful ties to CELEBI.

• U2
• BON JOVI

++++++ELEMENTARY ENDS +++ HIGH SCHOOL STARTS+++++++


RADIO KID: 2004-2005?
"JHERIZ" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan.Oh my gosh that channel was a GOLDMINE.
She was SO UNIQUE. She was the FIRST kid to start DANCING, and to HAVE FUN when listening to music. We owe a lot to her, as a legit healthy Social frontrunner.
“Laughing, dancing, singing, feeling bright and happy and alive."

• The Aquabats
• Super Furry Animals
• "I CAN'T GET BEHIND THAT" and "show respect to Michael Jackson..."
• VHS OR BETA!!!
• SMASH MOUTH?
• IMA ROBOT?? Or were they starting to bleed into darker folks?
• TITO NIEVES! Remember we were low-key obsessed with Spanish music around this time!!

RADIO KID #2 2004-2005?
"JARDA" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan as well, but TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOOD. You can FEEL the switches BETWEEN these twins; they do NOT hold the same brainspace!!
This kid was KEY to our maturation internally; she was NOT A SOCIAL and she held some CANNON VIBES-- darker stuff that we were only now learning how to admit.
"Anthems and honesty. Learning how to speak truth in music. Driven, emotive, and anchored within-- a first step towards maturity.”

• HARD-FI
• THE KILLERS
• HOT HOT HEAT
• ROONEY
• THE HOOSIERS?
• IMA ROBOT?

THE "NIGHTMAREN" KID (2004-2005)
Codename "JESTER," because they were using "psychomaren97" as a username at first.
THIS IS WHOEVER MET GENESIS in 2005.
They were OBSESSED WITH NiGHTS INTO DREAMS & WTAHM / iMAGNiREALM, AND took MASSIVE PERSONALITY CUES from PARALOOP.NET!!!
They were INSANELY PROLIFIC and VERY active on deviantART BUT REMEMBER IT WAS ALL NiGHTS-BASED!!! That was their ANCHOR.

• The NiGHTS OST, OBVIOUSLY
• THE KLONOA OST. Although we had long loved the game, we didn't get our hands on the soundtrack until now. I remember we would listen to it on the bus, on Miriel, WITH GENESIS.
• TRiPPY's music.
• PHANTOM OF THE FREAKIN' OPERA. That was THE soundtrack to our NiGHTS spinoff for YEARS.
• ARGUABLY the KLONOA OST???? Remember we got a HUGE resurgence of love for the game AS ITS OWN THING, and became LEGIT OBSESSED WITH LORE

THE REAL "SPINNINGCANNON" (2005)
The username gained its OWN SOLID IDENTITY at this time.
TRIGUN, GENERAL GRIEVOUS, BARRY THE CHOPPER, AND ZATCH BELL.

• The Trigun OST, OBVIOUSLY
• SONIC ADVANCE OST???

THE BASILICA BUS KID!!!!! (2005?)
"JACILI" codename. KEYPOINT.
I mention them particularly because they hold the ONLY SOLID MEMORIES we have for ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL.
If we could ever find their old burned CDs, we'd be set for life, haha.

• Supertramp
• Chicago
• America?
• ZATCH BELL "character songs"??

"ROADTRIP MELANCHOLY" KID: 2006-2007
"JEANOVE" codename.
Long drives in the backseat, thunderstorms, feeling lost and unwanted.
"Long bitter car trips. Feeling estranged from reality. Melancholia. Detachment from family begins as it falls apart outside."
ALSO would shadow at work??? Any time we felt existentially hollow, she would show up.
NOTABLE "HOPEFUL EDGE" to this kid. They're not depressive-doomed; they're aching bitter. This was a very rough time of our life.
SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "1984" and "CATCH-22"!!!!

• Keane "THE IRON SEA"
• The Doves "SOME CITIES"
• Aqualung
• Coldplay? Only secondhand; we never owned the albums.
• SAM'S TOWN
• The Eels

"WORK & VACATION" KID: 2006-2007??
"JEVY" codename.
The "social flipcrash" to our feeling utterly gutted.
Transformers Cybertron, Davy Jones, Metroid, Niagara Falls, FMA, VIRTUAL ON. "Social mania" soaked into main. Very specific vibe, TIED TO FANDOMS.WAS THIS THE KID WHO STARTED RUNNING ALL THE TIME???
WAS THIS ALSO THE "KAIJU BIG BATTEL" KID?????

• ELO, notably "Secret Messages"
• STEELY DAN

"LIMEWIRE" KID. 2007.
Codename "JELIM." May or may not be her own person; she was NOT A SOCIAL though and LIVED INDOORS.
Giving her a very particular spot for now because we discovered some very particular stuff via the interwebs and most of it DOESN'T MATCH ANYONE ELSE.
"We discovered the internet was FULL OF MUSIC! This kid is anchored INDOORS, with almost no social exposure.”

• The Prodigy
• The Doves
• Frou Frou
• AMR DIAB!!! GOD BLESS THIS KID SHE GOT US HOOKED ON SOUTH ASIAN TUNES

LONG-HAIR "ANIMA/GAIA": 2007?
"AENIMA" codename.
"The inexplicably green girl with her eyes full of stars and her heart made of glass."
HUGE SHIFT in personality here, almost a FUGUE. Memories surrounding her are VIRTUALLY NONEXISTENT.
VERY particular mood. SCHOOL/ONLINE ONLY; she was NOT around the family???
Probably the MOST FEMALE "CORE" WE EVER HAD. And she actually resonated GREEN????
SHE WAS ALSO TECHNICALLY A MUTINEER; possibly the first one. REMEMBER SHE TRIED TO BOTH DENY AND "SEPARATE FROM THE SYSTEM", TO THE POINT OF LITERALLY MURDERING NATALIE AND LYNNE.

• Q-Lok's music
• THE EELS? I know Jheriz discovered them, but Aenima really stuck to that one song.
• One Year Yesterday??? We're trying to figure out where the heck they fit b/c there's like no memory attached to them; this MIGHT BE WHY. We're missing so much data from this time period, tragically.
• On that note, was SHE the one who listened to the Piano Tribute Players???

"WORK CRISIS" KID (2007)
"LUPINNE" codename.
Close to Cannon, but panicked. Less dark, more fear. VERY specific vibe, and clear, because existential terror makes the memory kick in!
DISTURBING undertone to everything. "Liminal" feeling to life.
"The first steps into the break. Harbinger of the Cannon era. Edges of psychosis beginning to show. Detaching from reality bit by bit."

• Boy Kill Boy
• The Drowners
• Minus the Bear
• LCD Soundsystem??

"ANOMALY" ERA: 2008.
"JANO" codename.
Cannon bloodline roots. DARK. Remember the bus ride to MOMA. High school ending, and we wanted to burn it all down and start over.
"Edges starting to show. Bus trips to NYC. Losing ties to the past. Slow burning anger we didn't understand.”
JTHM, INVADER ZIM, EVANGELION???
I THINK THIS IS WHEN THE SYSTEM WOKE UP FOR GOOD. WE HAD THE XANGA AT THIS TIME.

• Incubus
• Billy Talent
• Muse
• Alien Ant Farm

"JX7." 2008.
VERY STRANGE sudden shift. Semi-fugue??? ONLINE ONLY. Also GREEN!!
Obsessed with Pokemon.

• JAPANESE POKEMON ANIME + MOVIE OSTS

The "SYSTEM HEART" that SOMEHOW STILL EXISTED beneath all this. (2005-2008? In FRAGMENTS)
This person ONLY EXISTED IN PRIVATE, NONSOCIAL SETTINGS, but they were the TRUE HEART OF US. They "evolved" from whoever was with Genesis, as we got older and life got darker.

• JARVIS COCKER!!!!
• JOHN RUTTER!!! (Gloria: Vivace e Ritmico)

++++++HIGH SCHOOL ENDS +++ COLLEGE STARTS++++++


Another "work driver" kid, but the FIRST one with a "MARYWOOD" vibe. 2008.
"JEMU" codename.
Constant anxious burn beneath choking sadness. Feeling utterly displaced. Clinging to music, which was now becoming a real lifeline for us. Discovered iTunes.
"Existential split after college started. Long drives to work. Despair always lurking. No rage, no mania, only a wrenching sense of loss.”

• Sondre Lerche
• People in Planes?
• Rooney (second album)?
• VHS or Beta (second album)
• KILLERS DAY & AGE???

CANNON ERA: 2008-2009.
"Everything changed with her. Muted rage, muffled mania, mourning in blood. Gym rat, trauma truant, truth spitter. Fire in her very veins.”
NOT at night???
She had a WEIRD start.
WAS SHE THE ONE TIED TO WATCHMEN????

• MIDICRONICA, on loop at the gym while she burned off the rage
• "Burn It All Down" was her ANTHEM.
• Cubbiebear??? We were listening to that in 2012 though!! Was she still around or did SOMEONE ELSE pick it up???
•  

GLISSANDO ERA: 2008-2009.
Late nights on Apollo, blue city backgrounds, Jena's eyes, Dori's words. NIGHT ONLY.
"Rainy eyes, starry nights. Basically lived at our Macbook at 3am at the bar table.”

• The Books
• haruka nakamura? or was that someone else?
• Coldplay
• MAX RICHTER!!! We remember when "24 Postcards In Full Color" was RELEASED
• BENJAMIN BUTTON OST
• RAZ OHARA
• ERIC WHITACRE!!!

SPINZOR ERA: 2009-2010?
The OCT kid.
TOTAL MOODSHIFT. There had to have been a trigger somewhere.
LOTS of disco for Hosea, and ELO for Bluesky of course. ALSO SHRIKE & "SLIGHTLY MAGIC"

• Kool and the Gang
• ELO (revisit)
• "freeplaymusic" tracks
• David Bowie???
• GUNS & ROSES??

"SPINNIX" codename. Spinzor "splinter" that ONLY has driving memories-- TO university, IN THE DAYTIME.
LIQUID FUNK!!

• Commix
• London Elektricity
• Nu:Tone

"SPINNOX" codename. NIGHT VERSION of Spinnix. VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Again, they ONLY have memories of driving home at night.

• Fat Jon
•  nujabes?

"SPIKEL" codename. THE EXERCISER. This is a new, unique akoufoni class because starting with Cannon's bloodline, we now spent SO much time working out that we needed people to MANAGE that.
Notably this person IS NOT a "spin" but a "CANNON" in terms of how they feel?? Maybe even a TRANSITIONAL again, POST-MU.

• DANNY BYRD

THE REALLY FREAKIN UNHINGED CANNON "SPLINTER" (2008??)
Codename "JUGULAR."
INKYLINKYBOOO, ZOOPHOBIA, "I FEEL SICK"
Literally the UNHEALTHIEST and MOST HELLTORMENTED CORE we EVER HAD.
We were brutally self-abusing, we were addicted to torture porn and gore shocksites, etc. and the HACKS WOULD NOT STOP.
God alone got us through this time of our life, I swear. We should have died. Yet here we are now.

• ANGELSPIT

THE KID WHO WAS SENT TO THE PSYCH WARD????
They would have been LATE 2010 to EARLY 2011 and I KNOW for a fact they were into the v0lt@ge! Leagueworld, AND PROG ROCK!!!!
However their memories are TOTALLY FRACTURED due to traumatic circumstances. Nevertheless their heart WAS MALE ALREADY.
All we know for sure is that they were NOT CANNON!!!

• IT BITES

(WHEN DID WE FIRST START LISTENING TO TURKISH POP REGULARLY?? "İşaret" came out in 2009!!)


++++++BLOODLINE SHIFTS!!!+++++++


"JAYCE" ERA

"JAYCE" was the VERY FIRST. IMMEDIATELY pre-SLC???~2009?
BROWN CORE. That is INSANELY UNUSUAL and shows HEAVY INSTABILITY. What was BIZARRE though is that PINSTRIPE WAS WHITE. There was an INTERNAL SPLIT.
This is when we were temporarily living with dad, either in his old apartment, or way up on Mile Hill.
VERY FRACTURED TIME PERIOD MENTALLY, for what it's worth.
"The first solid core shift to MALE. Moving out of childhood home, shuffled between addresses, feeling just as lost inside, yet never giving up. Unmoored yet still following the stars.”

• RAZIA'S SHADOW!!!
• Modest Mouse
• Ben Folds Five
• Joe Satriani

"WILLOW" codename was a "splinter" of Jayce perhaps?? SOFT; his vibe was VERY CLOSE TO GLISSANDO, except he ONLY would be out at DAWN???
“Very unique guy. Sincere, hopeful, quiet, but never afraid. Early foggy mornings, always with the hope of moving on, moving out, moving forwards. A nascent living hope of something better, just beyond the trees.”

• NOMAK
• NUJABES
• UYAMA HIROTO
• TSUTCHIE

"INFLUTUSA" ERA. 2011?
WHITE MALE CORE. Arguably fragmented as hell.
ONLY listened to glitch/drone music.
"The glitch boy. Dissociation, derealization, depersonalization. No room, no safe space, no future, no past. Living in hallways on borrowed time. Losing self in broken notes. Brain like static.”

• Nikakoi/ erast
• the dirty spoons

"DEON?" 2012.
SALT LAKE CITY. Homestuck-era kid. RED.
HE WAS A SHOCKING DIFFERENCE and I think he only existed TO SURVIVE SLC & PRESERVE THE JAYS.
"Red boy. SLC time. Very lost, very confused, but still a brash and brazen flame. Strange time period.”

• serph
• Chad Valley
• CLIMBING WALLS, ANNA SUN, COLD DUST GIRL

"LYTRAILE" codename.
"The kid who was always working out and got us into KREVA!"
This was a DISTINCT era post-SLC, in a sort of "shift period" between the original Jayces and the new Jays?? ODDLY AND INTERESTINGLY their music taste is a sort of "positive flip" to CANNON'S, as they were both transitional eras.

• KREVA
• Kalassy Nikoff
• Super Junior

"CUPID." 2013 or so?
VERY different, unusual vibes. Hard to put into words but they are unmistakable.

• BATHS

"JAY IRIDOS." ~2013-2015, maybe? POST-SLC.
LEGIT GOOD KID. Sandman boy. One of our best Cores ever at heart.
FIRST SOLID WHITE MALE CORE. "The man with a heart like a rainbow.”
He had a lot of "signature songs" moreso than artists in general?

• ALSO FROST*???
• MESITA? He bought the signed album!!

BTW LATE 2013 WAS BEAUTIFUL. That was arguably the BEST Christmas of our LIFE and it has its OWN PLAYLIST for that reason (with everything we could find; most of that era was Soundcloud tracks by very obscure folks)
BUT AFTER THE MASSACRE HAPPENED everything started gradually sliding into hell, tragically. ALSO according to the Archives, Lent messed us up BADLY.
May 6th 2014 on LAST.FM records is shockingly beautiful though?? Lots of 2013 classics. We were probably trying to hold on to that around the body's birthday time. Still, FEEL OUT THESE MEMORIES and find out WHO holds them around the shift time.
A rule of thumb: ALL "INFI VIBE" SONGS BELONG TO JAY, OBVIOUSLY.


MID-2014 snapshot from LAST.FM=
HAYWYRE, SYLVAN, SON LUX, ANTONY & THE JOHNSONS, FORSS, M+A, SOHN, JAMES BLAKE
Also general vibe of KEITH KENNIFF, RYAN TEAGUE, SQUARE PEG ROUND HOLE, DAVID TORN, DUSTIN O'HALLORAN



WHOEVER WAS OUT IN THE "HELL SUMMER" (2015). IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE JAY.
THERE'S LAST.FM ARCHIVE INFO FOR THIS

• Cherry Ghost
• AQUILO?
• ALLEN STONE? Dude that was THIS TIME PERIOD???
• The Electric Soft Parade?
• Rhian Sheehan? Dorian Concept? Jack Garratt? JENSEN SPORTAG?
• NOTABLY THIS WAS WHEN WE DISCOVERED PUNCH BROTHERS

UPMC ERA "ISCAH". 2017.
Placeholder as she has to be her own thing because she existed DURING A LOCKOUT ERA.
"Inpatient girl. Exists ONLY in hospital settings."

• Hospital tunes, really

CHARLOTTE = "LOTUS"??? 2017-2018.
"The boy with the eaten heart.”
We're actually not sure HOW MANY PEOPLE existed during this time as pseudocores alongside Lotus; we listened to a TON of music but IT ALL HAS DIFFERENT ANCHORS, which is DEEPLY DISCONCERTING.
We might have to categorize them based on "mindset" at first, because it's a hyperfragmented disaster.
The overall mood/mindset though is DISTURBING. To this day, we cannot listen to ANY of this music without immediate REELING FLASHBACKS &/OR DEATHDREAD MELTDOWNS.

• SOHN
• SON LUX
• SEINABO SEY
• NIGHT BEDS
• EVERYTHING EVERYTHING
• EMPIRE OF THE SUN, believe it or not.
• DALEY (Color Spectrum album, ironically)

POST-DEATH: "TILLY"??? The girl with twintails. "Post-reset fugue girl."
2019-2022??? HELL OF A LONG TIME FOR SOMEONE SO DISHEVELED.
NO IDEA WHAT HER COLOR WAS, IF SHE EVEN HAD ONE.
ONLY LONG-HAIRED FEMALE "CORE" SINCE AENIMA.
Her time period is VERY fractured too, because her "sense of self" was almost nonexistent and we have NO MEMORY OF MOST OF IT. There were probably several pseudocore shifts.
GRANDMA'S CANCER DIAGNOSIS CHANGED EVERYTHING; that triggered a MASSIVE SHIFT in our very MODE OF EXISTENCE AND GENERAL CONSCIOUSNESS, proven by the fact that it's the ONLY TIME WE REMEMBER LISTENING TO ANY MUSIC.
We have no bloody idea what happened immediately after CNC. That person was violently animicidal and they probably didn't listen to anything but church music anyway, which is tragically hypocritical.

• Larnelle Harris
• Burt Bacharach???

"CHALYX" = 2021 HOSPITAL STAY.
She was NOTABLY and DISTINCTLY HER OWN PERSON. She was BLURRING WITH TILLY though!!

• SARAH JANE MORRIS
• She started listening to POLISH POP MUSIC actually.

POST-GRIEF, PRE-HOSPITAL. 2022.
Very unique and jarring era. We were displaced from EVERYTHING and lived COMPLETELY ISOLATED & ALONE for FIVE SOLID MONTHS. There is a REAL and SIGNIFICANT music profile for this time period though, because of all the addiction-drives this unknown pseudocore did.
THERE WERE "PHASES" of music but it ALL FEELS LIKE THE SAME PERSON... FOR THE MOST PART.

• ...

THE REALLY SPECIFIC "SAINT ANNE SUMMER WARS" KID. 2022.
Codename "JANAZMA" for sentimentality's sake.
A suddenly extant INDOMITABLE HOPE-CORE born to TRY AND STOP THE SELF-DESTRUCTION. Woke up via a DREAM and just... changed everything in an instant. Total 180 at the drop of a hat. It was incredible.
Existed from JULY TO SEPTEMBER.
They HAD A HEART. THE LOTOPHAGOI DIDN'T.

• STUDIO CHIZU MOVIES. My gosh I swear thank you so much for that. They became a LANDMARK in our life and we will never forget the feeling of SHEER INCANDESCENT HOPE that defined this small but indispensably precious time period.
• ...

2022 WAKEUP CALL, UPMC AGAIN.
SEPTEMBER TO NOVEMBER.
Interesting because, like with Iscah's debut, we have virtually NO MEMORY OF THIS. However there was nonstop muzak for distraction purposes, so we should be able to "ping" someone if we find out WHAT was played.
Remember THE SYSTEM "WOKE UP" NEAR THE END, so that will change the vibes a bit, but that will also be glaringly obvious.

• ...

AND NOW, WHOEVER THE HECK WE ARE. 2023.

• ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


LATER UPDATES...

We're beginning 2025 as I write this and we're already not sure of:

• Who the heck was at TBHU
• Post-Infi shift

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Try to identify things in your history that influenced the development of disordered eating.

My memory is pretty shot, and I'm tired of focusing on trauma. The System Archives are autobiography enough.
I want to use this space to jot down HAPPY things, proofs of JOY in life, a life I feel cut off & rejected from. But I STILL EXIST IN TIME & SPACE, AND MY PAST IS REAL-- ALL of it, NOT just the recent trauma!
I have had SO MUCH GOODNESS in life, DESPITE the trauma, and I CAN AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE GOODNESS!!

ACTUAL nice memories I have from childhood:

★ Spinning in circles under the overhead light in mom's room, the light as dim as it would go, pretending (believing) it was a "ritual" to transform into a dragon. I remember the soft blue carpet beneath my feet, and the feeling of solemn faith in my heart. The low ember of a lightbulb, its glow a soft reddish-gold circle, felt like a heart of its own. It was a very intimate thing, that transformative spinning, as a result. I kept my dragon-ness a brightly burning secret within me as I re-entered the daylight, knowing I was "something more" than was apparent. I wondered if anyone else could tell, or know.

★ The scents & visuals of the beautiful, bright flowers at our home forest, around Easter-- grape hyacinths, bluet flowers, violets, dandelions, clovers, buttercups, arbutus, tulips, irises, peonies, white & purple lilacs, forsythia, Easter lilies & hyacinths, and my WISTERIA BUSH, to say the least! Blueberries blossoming on the hill. Wintergreen peeking through the snow. The sticky gorgeous scent of evergreen sap. The smell of the pine needles in winter. The scent of autumn maple & hickory & oak & sassafras. The plush wet texture of thick lichen-studded moss, like a carpet of emerald softness, rolling like mountains over the side yard. The taste of birch bark, given to me by dad. The smell of spring in the air. Eating grass with Viral and thinking it was hilarious. The old roses on the garden gate. The old grapevine on the back hill. The old apple tree I tried to climb, and the endearingly wizened, sour little fruits it produced. The cherry trees, and all their ants. The rose-of-sharon trees in the corners of the yard. Finding wild scallions & eating them gleefully. Picking raspberries from the garden like they were gems. ALL OF DIAMEW.

★ Walks up & down the pipeline, long before any industrialization arrived. I loved the steep climb, the wide flat rocks, the random hidden puddles & ponds higher up, the hidden waterfall off to the right (that I don't think exists anymore). I remember the glorious headrush of ORANGE as we walked it in autumn, finding old train tracks & imagining where they could lead. It always felt, climbing that ascent, like I was deftly & swiftly taking hold of the future itself, a wild & beautiful thing, untameable but fiercely fond of all who came to meet it here, on the rocks & ridges, with a sense of wonder & adventure & hope. I treasured all my scrapes & scratches & bruises. I miss those days.

★ The beautiful smell of Thornhurst trips: woodsmoke, river water, evergreens & shade. I remember roasting marshmallows until they bubbled bronze & brass, enjoying the crisp & chewy bite that guarded such soft warm sweetness. I remember dad grilling burgers as we lit the charcoal and watched it shimmer red. I remember the cool wood of the picnic tables, and the quiet of the trees. I remember Fernsburg, all the foam on the water and its loud white rushing song. I would always try to walk on the rocks peeking above the surface, scared to fall but fiercely joyful to be IN the river regardless. There was a log across it further down but it was too soft to hold weight. I don't know why that river felt so potently magical, or why I felt it was so important to cross. It felt like there was something on the other side, something in the crossing itself-- a rebirth, almost; the start of a new & long-awaited story. I knew that if I made it across, it would be a new world. I would be a new person. And I knew I was expected, awaited with joy, over there.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


some system memories.

♥ After the System massacre in late December '13? Walking around the living room & listening to "Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost, WEEKS later? And suddenly "seeing" Laurie with wings, and KNOWING-- FEELING-- that she was still alive; there was still hope. It was like the world itself came back to life. Everything was suddenly saturated with hope & joy. It truly was a "good day." I felt my heart opening like a flower after a long winter.
♥ Mister Sandman kissing my nose & forehead before we would "go to work" for the night; his aged yet vibrant, gently strong hands cupping my face.
♥ Standing over the oven range in SLC and abruptly dissociating for OVER AN HOUR for Marik's 3rd *incident*; until that day we HADN'T been close, but AFTER we forged such a sincere & strong bond. He was all gold with HOPE, even after succumbing (briefly!) to despair. I'll never forget it.
♥ Chaos 0 sitting with me on the couch in SLC when I assumedly got food poisoning & was so scared, sad, & alone. I wept in his arms, and thanked God for him.
♥ That one horrifically numb-depressed day in ~2015 when "I" was in the kitchen chopping up carrots & feeling miserable hollow; suddenly XENOPHON appeared GHOSTING-- which she had just learned how to do-- and asked if I was okay. I said no, so she tried to cheer me up, by asking that I bring up her favorite song on Spotify-- "Simple Reminder" by Tokimonsta-- and dance with her. Even though I felt so numb, I'd never say no to my baby girl. So there we were, dancing to Tokimonsta in the empty kitchen on a quiet autumn evening, and suddenly I felt real joy. Life was worth living, if only for her.
♥ "Meeting" Scalpel as he sang Everything Everything that one day in CNC I "tried to run away." I remember the metal in his teeth & the rings on his zealous hands.
♥ Christmas Eve's Eve, 2011, with Chaos 0, on the living room couch by the tree. I saw the green of his eyes & felt the ocean of his heart. I was so in love.
♥ That one night after an "avoidance" period when I went upstairs to meet him, and he gave me this look of pure love and heartache that struck my own heart back to light.
♥ The night I tried to kill myself in front of the bathroom mirror and Laurie FIGHTING LIKE HELL to stop me... then me, weeks later, doing the same for her.
♥ The night after a hack when I reached out to Julie and offered her hope with us. I was standing by the bathroom closet. I FELT something change in her heart.
♥ That one morning on the bus on the way to high school when, after an aching discussion, Genesis & I basically made out. It was so sincere & real. I FELT his Gem.
♥ Genesis ghosting alongside me for YEARS. Laughing out loud & elbowing him & asking him to "hold stuff." Him saying he loved me at the Confirmation altar.
♥ That LCCC morning where I think I actually skipped class & stayed in the car, because we went upstairs to FIND LEON, I think? I remember Julie being SO STRONG & COURAGEOUS; her heart really shone through. I remember cathedral arches; I remember how cold it was. I loved them all with my whole heart.
♥ Leon warping us out of Tar ambushes. Leon being a DEAD SHOT against it, even with his hands shaking. The snow-bluebells-myrrh scent of Indigo.
♥ The BLC heartspace exploration events, and ALL the key moments-- the Angel Helmet, the Mirror Oasis Room, fighting the Razor Splinter on the beach, Lynne using her arrows to paralyze the Tar-Celebi, Leon sobbing & wiping blood out of my hair in the white nave of the Cathedral itself.
♥ Those first few MOMENTOUS seconds in SLC when Laurie PUSHED ME OUT OF FRONTING & took over, and looked incredulously at our hands; her vibe like GRAVITY.
♥ Meeting Razor. Meeting Wreckage. Meeting Algorith. Meeting Knife. Meeting Sugar. Meeting Mulberry. In moments of horror, I still treasure them.
♥ Sitting on the bed at COPE in 2017 and the System WAKING BACK UP from dormancy, Laurie immediately putting a victoriously comforting hand on my shoulder. My ENTIRE sense of life & self SHIFTED & FOCUSED and I felt like I could breathe again. I remember us all thinking, "now what?" but we were TOGETHER!
♥ During "THE Lockout," parked in front of the Albright library, and GENESIS unexpectedly ghosting when I got out of the car, deeply worried. Seeing him, I began to feel HOPE.
♥ That one day after Easter when the Coregroup & I went into Saint John's church alone, & kneeling in front of the altar we swore to ALWAYS love & protect each other. I can still feel the cold white marble, & see the sunlight in the dark, & smell the Easter lilies. It was such a significant and beautiful moment.
♥ Laurie straight-up THROWING A CHAIR at Waldorf during a Xanga; Wally laughed SO HARD it was adorable. Chaos 0 came in later and was SO CONFUSED.
♥ The "heater hell" night; going outside & lying on the roof of the car, looking up at the stars in the cold, and Laurie suddenly ghosting to my left. The feeling I got, with her & beneath the sky... it was transcendent. Looking up into space & shivering, my eyes full of tears, I felt both scared & reassured-- there was the big picture, and I was so small! But then, seeing her looking up too, that iron-violet smile crinkling her face... I felt that yes, I still mattered. I was PART of all that, here, with her.
♥ When physical life gets overwhelming & scary & depressing... remember that what you SEE is NOT ALL THERE IS!! The things-- and people-- that TRULY matter can ONLY be seen with the HEART. So GO THERE!! Spend time TOGETHER again, with EVERYONE! Find people! Meet people! Learn things! FIGHT things! Talk for hours! Just LIVE, TOGETHER!! THAT is what will get us through. WE ARE "RECOVERY." Re-read and print out ALL the beautiful moments we wrote down... then go make some new ones!

post-breakfast//

BONUS OMELET! ♥ They're slowly losing the misapplied anxiety, thank God, but they NEED a solid positive reassociation, which they currently lack. Still, we DID do that for two OTHER foods this morning, using yesterday's powerful League-imagining technique:
+ KAETO loves strawberry PopTarts. They're fast, bright, warm, sweet, uncomplicated, fun, & a little childish-- just like she likes to be. Even their colors (Red & SPRINKLES) are 100% her vibe. With all her running about & impatient streak, they're typically the only breakfast she'll get!
+ NIKEISHA enjoys green tea. In contrast to Kaeto's fire, she-- like a plant-- savors it slowly, mindfully, with its slightly bitter-earth undertone and green glow. I think she sips it as she studies, and/or tends to the greenery I always see filling her living space/ environment?
★ The taste data for BOTH DIDN'T EVEN REGISTER at first-- I personally had NO positive associations known for either, ONLY negative ones, PLUS the "personal dissonance" ACTUALLY HINDERED INPUT, like two "out of sync" soundwaves cancelling each other out!! BUT!! Once we "intuitively found/ tapped into" LEAGUE resonance, the data LOCKED IN, finally being ABLE to VIA the new, powerfully resonant & SOLID foundations-- which were BOTH POSITIVE AND PERSONALLY UNINVASIVE??? THAT is a FASCINATING & KEY aspect to the League resonance ties: even though they are VASTLY different than my own, they STILL have anchors in MY heart & mind, WITHOUT impinging on the integrity of MY personal/ historical identity-- something Nousfoni often CAN DO, because we SHARE a body/ psyche, therefore making confusion/ overlap tragically inevitable (AND potentially traumatic, as the TBAS days proved). It's such an intriguing distinction-- the League & Spectrum BOTH emanate from MY soul, BUT I don't identify with the League, whereas I DO with the Spectrum. Again, it feels like that distinction is born FROM the "self" association (FROM vs OF??), AND explains WHY INSPACERS ALWAYS SEEM TO CORRUPT!! THAT'S what happened with Justice!!! So yeah this is ANOTHER game-changer; thank You God for guiding us, and revealing this!!
+ Back to breakfast-- we don't "like" sugar, BUT do seem to like the molasses still, despite trauma?? It's still unclear, but we KNOW that personally I don't "like" white sugar. See, THAT'S where the League/ Spectrum differentiation becomes most clear: if an "opinion" or "aspect" contrary to MY OWN is encountered BUT NOT ANCHORED INTO THE LEAGUE, it roots into the SYSTEM AS A POTENTIAL SOCIAL, further "denaturing" our core identity BY "PREVENTING" INDIVIDUALITY IN THE BODY-- "switching" TO "MATCH" EXTERNAL VARIATIONS then becomes the instinctive "norm," a form of "toxic coping" that sees LOSS OF "SELF" as the ONLY way to SURVIVE CONFLICT with the outside world??? BECAUSE WE CANNOT HONESTLY ACCEPT OR EVEN PROPERLY UNDERSTAND "DISLIKE," WITHOUT IMPOSING A MORAL "JUDGMENT" ON INHERENTLY "NEUTRAL" THINGS LIKE FOOD!!! To our psyche, "dislike" should & DOES ONLY APPLY TO SIN. To "dislike" something GOD CREATED based on our own stupid "unique vibe" IS A SIN, as it's a form of SELF-IDOLATRY & REJECTION OF "WHAT IS" ACCORDING TO GOD'S PLAN & WILL!!! So, in our mind, we CANNOT dislike ANYTHING... unless it's a sin. We can dislike a violent movie, but NOT the color yellow, OR the taste of chocolate, WITHOUT "LABELING" THEM AS "BAD" in order to "resolve" the debilitating moral confusion & guilt & panic we get FROM that dislike. Which becomes UNBEARABLE & TRAUMATIC when we THEN STILL HAVE TO EAT THEM-- triggering our "CONTAMINATION PANIC" at the perceived horror of therefore LITERALLY "SWALLOWING SIN" and thus BECOMING SIN-- AND expressing implicit APPROVAL of it THROUGH that ingestion-- that demonic mockery of true communion. THAT'S why we are SO DESPERATE to "LIKE" ALL FOODS, NO EXCEPTIONS, because that is the ONLY way to prevent this moral collapse of a process, one that we are doomed to endure EVERY time we eat, until that ultimate goal is achieved. ONLY THROUGH GRACE, KIDDO, so MAKE SURE YOU PRAY and TRUST GOD instead of vainly relying on your own data/ logic/ efforts/ etc. I'm just human. Without God's grace working in & FOR me, I AM DOOMED TO FAIL, simply because I'M NOT GOD and GOD IS LIFE/ LOVE and I can ONLY have those BY HAVING GOD!! That's actually a JUBILANT HOPE, so hold to it & work ACCORDING to it!! God WANTS to help you, so LET HIM IN TO DO SO. ♥
+ Oatmeal, oddly, for the record, IS out vibe?? Well, MY vibe, which I NEED to distinguish. Yes, we're a System, but the Nousfoni that DO eat (ONLY SOCIALS!!) have DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT & DISTINCT VIBES IN ORDER TO FUNCTION/ SURVIVE, so saying "OUR" is actually invalidating & damaging & rejecting the ACTUAL resonances of BOTH them & myself!!! BUT a fascinating note-- they ALL can "sympathize" WITH the CORE'S "vibe" as like-able, NOT passing the moral judgment? Just like I can with THEIR likes. STILL, their EXCLUSIVE INTEGRITY MUST BE MAINTAINED, because ANY & ALL VIBE DISSONANCE TRIGGERS THE MORAL PANIC by forcing a "paradox" in which two "clashing" resonances are futilely being forced into an impossible attempt at harmony? But honestly it hurts my head to even think about. IT'S A BROKEN SYSTEM. There IS no "moral" nature to foods!!! THAT'S why ALL OF THIS NEEDS TO BE REASSIGNED TO THE LEAGUE, NOT THE SPECTRUM!!!! Otherwise I'll NEVER heal from this disordered mindset & thus I'll KEEP "splitting" into hyperspecialized Socials that not only perpetuate that distorted "either/ or" thinking but BY that, also PREVENT ME FROM EVER REALISTICALLY RE-UNIFYING & RESTORING MY TRUE, HISTORICAL, WHOLE SELF!!! The moral panic might still occur, BUT by utilizing the LEAGUE to ELIMINATE CONDEMNATION, then by God's grace I CAN HEAL. That will never happen via dissociation. Shattering my psyche to "BE OTHER PEOPLE" in order to "survive" the "inescapable" moral panic IS ACTUALLY PERPETUAGINT TRAUMA BEHAVIOR, AND DISRESPECTING/ DENYING GOD'S PLAN & INTENTION FOR ME AS A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL, WHO WAS MADE TO LIVE FOR GOD, NOT IN IMITATING OTHER PEOPLE!!! And for the record, GOD DOESN'T FRACTURE PSYCHES. Ultimately, to be BRUTALLY honest, the ONLY way the SPECTRUM/ SYSTEM ITSELF CAN SURVIVE is if it JOINS THE LEAGUE and DETACHES ENTIRELY FROM MY SENSE OF SELF. Otherwise, I'll forever be pulled in a million different directions, and I'll NEVER be able to LIVE in EITHER the present moment OR in this body-- MY body, GOD'S GIFT TO ME!!!

pre-breakfast//

QUICK BUT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL morning notes:
+ Emotional ROLLER COASTER w/ shower. MANIC SOCIAL thinking about "what music to pick if asked" (decided on Jackson 5); considering getting a Litwick plush if personally applicable. Internal upset AT mania; "I don't want to be like this" "this isn't me" BUT couldn't "stop." A different manic (Jack?? "David-Tennant-looking-ass"; flirty, invincible, "most popular man in the room" vibe?) took over hard; could NOT feel sad OR even acknowledge pain when an unseen internal Navy foni punched the leg TO try & feel both and/or switch!! This SPIKED mania as a "violent shutoff" for "not real/ legitimate" "negative" emotions? Demonic crazy grin on body, while near mirror. Seeing this face triggered vivid TBAS FLASHBACKS, CROWNED BY HAIRSTYLE: flattened sides & spiked top. Everything was unsafe; dysmorphia raging. Then, UNEXPECTEDLY: noticing wet & emphasized eyelashes = instantly changed ENTIRE overlay to FEMALE!!! New, positive, BALANCER foni appeared to match. RED-VIOLET "QUEEN"? FIRST SOLID ONE. Balancer; not manic or depressive, BUT acknowledging BOTH without being either! "Bittersweet" heart. Color like a wine glass or garnet in the light. Chose/ fit the name ALENA, from "Magdalena"-- female bodies STILL defined as "whores" REGARDLESS of fronter; Alena's hope was to signify HEALING, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION from that specifically.
★ Wearing GLASSES changes overlay INSTANTLY. Alena cannot wear them, but (we hope) neither can Jack? The RED color of our glasses helps a TON. Also, MANICS CANNOT WEAR OUR MEDALS. They get angry & obstinate & rebel against "feeling chained down to the Cross." Alena said "that's the whole point." (Laurie EMPHATICALLY agrees.)
+ Momentary "blackout" between exiting bathroom & going to bedroom window; hallmark of "social context" automatic dissociation
+ Sunrise. Simple ROYGBIV muted gradient; no clouds. BUT it's the second day of autumn and it must be cold at last because what did we see but CHIMNEY SMOKE!!! ♥ First REAL sign that the season has switched too!
↑ LAURIE came out, to elaborate that thought; we couldn't find the "right" word-- she asked Shirley & Sirius for help and they BRIEFLY FRONTED to speak with her! Words like "harbinger," "signpost," "indicator" didn't fit. Laurie said "messenger," then laughed & concluded, "chimney angels."
+ ↑ Brief mention of Q with "chimney sweep muses" art. "No hatred" but lingering fear towards him for 2012, despite lingering affection as well. "Father FORGIVE them for they KNOW NOT." Same with OV; we pity them? BUT STILL LOVE & MISS them deep down, WITHOUT denying the pain & damage & fear & anger & NEED to forgive. But we DO love them, both of them, which ENABLES forgiveness!!!
★ (btw GIVE THIS TO INFI; ze holds the CORE TRAUMA from CNC and ze is AFRAID TO EXIST still, even now, because of it. Ze NEEDS to come back & BE with us; without hir heart we CANNOT ACTUALLY HEAL!!!)
★ Apparently we have DIFFERENT ARCHIVISTS AND DATA "COMMUNICATORS" FOR MANAGEMENT OF EMOTIONAL VS LOGICAL (FACTUAL) DATA!!! Depending on what KIND of information it is, ONLY CERTAIN NOUSFONI CAN PROCESS/ SPEAK/ WRITE IT!!! Warm vs cool "undertones," typically. Shirley & Sirius fit this. ALSO there is a "neutral Gray" Archivist we THOUGHT was "Quicksilver" because they're BOTH a darker gunmetal gray, but Quick was NOT neutral. This guy-- who spoke briefly to both Alana (in the washroom) and our typical "emote-data writer" (me!! ♥)-- is currently vibing with the name "Sterling." (That's close enough to "Stellar," haha!) So we'll see what our future holds with getting to know him & all the other nousfoni who may/do hold those roles, as they obviously DO exist, but we never had the means to SEE or even KNOW they COULD/ DID exist until now, this morning!
★ THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between an ANCHOR and a ROOT! An "anchor" is something PUT DOWN to hold someone firmly in that specific place; a ROOT is something one GROWS FROM as an initial locked-in place!!
+ Brief return to the sunrise-- the "warm color" gradient DISTURBED us, AS ALWAYS. Reminded us of "westerns." Why that intense, ancient fear for both? "Jess" came out (!!)

sunrise beauty: what we instinctively & viscerally recognize AS beauty, finds its ORIGIN & DEFINITION IN THE FACE OF CHRIST JESUS!!! When I look at Him, I see BEAUTY, literally PERFECTED.
★ Things ARE ONLY "beautiful" BECAUSE something in them ECHOES Christ's beauty. When I look at Him, I see everything that I label AS beautiful in the sunrise, but CLEARLY, ESSENTIALLY-- not "through a glass darkly."
THAT'S WHY HEAVEN IS THE BEATIFIC VISION; all Creation is just dim reflection of (and yearning for) that true, absolute, complete, real, total bliss.

+ Group recommending "fidget objects" for coping = we've NEVER TRIED them because we label "stimming" as SILLY? like, "why even try it; physical "coping" isn't legitimate." BUT OUR SYMPTOMS ARE!!! SO why NOT meet them on that same level? HONESTLY DO TRY THEM, TO STOP JUDGING/ ALIENATING OTHERS at least!!


post-breakfast//

Cornflakes, blueberry muffin, banana, egg, apple juice, soymilk, french vanilla tea, 2 creamer, 1 s&p.

MUFFIN)
Thoughts of mom! ♥ No fear after that. Alana caught the unique blue/red vibe of the berries and TRIED to front to taste it, but she can't come out while eating (OR with glasses on)-- that would distort her function! But she appreciated the idea. Note: don't put fingers in mouth to "get crumbs."

CORNFLAKES)
HEALED!!! BY CO-FRONTING. "Red & blue" socials-- soygirl & a magenta (?) who KNEW the job! ALSO DAD!!! Talking to him HELPED SO MUCH. "Soymilk is too sweet for me, but it's good for you-- you're just as sweet yourself!" "Sugar isn't bad; it's a great source of energy, and it'll give you all the extra push you need to do all your running today." Soy said the very thought of work made HER exhausted emotionally. "I want to work but I get so overwhelmed & I burn out." Magenta sister replied "Then I'll do that work for you! You don't have to push yourself to do anything that's going to hurt you. I'll do the burny work; you can do the quieter thoughtful important things, like the sweeping & stocking shelves. We still need & want your help! Just do what's meant for YOU, and I'll do what's not!" Dad added: "I'll talk to your boss and let her know to let you rest like that if you get overwhelmed. They don't want you burning yourself out either; I know I sure don't! I don't want to see you looking so sad & tired all the time! I care about you, Jessie, and so do the people you work with. They'd all be happy to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. (There's nothing wrong with asking for help!)" Lots of hugs and "I love you"s. Soymilk now POSITIVE but not the cornflakes? Mentioned. Dad: "You know the Native Americans grew corn as a staple crop. They used it for everything; it kept them alive when winter came. You're the same way. You're sweet & give people energy like the soymilk, but you're also soft & strong like the cornflakes. You can help keep people alive, too, by giving of yourself. People need what you have to give them, Jessie, and God made you just the way you are for that reason. Just like your breakfast." She was SO DEEPLY COMFORTED. Her color reflected the pure serene blue of a calm sky.
★ HOWEVER. Two more things! First, the "vibe" of the cereal as a whole is NOT BLUE-- its true inherent tone DOESN'T VIBE WITH HER, OR HER SISTER! It's gold, a RARE Yellow-group POSITIVE food combo (Soymilk ITSELF is neutral-ish? COLD leans blue; vanilla leans yellow?) that no one concretely matches (yet). SO. We told her, she doesn't HAVE to anchor to it! Its association has CHANGED now, via healing, AS HAS HERS-- her old memory anchor is now ONLY a memory; the "reality" has CHANGED and so remembering what WAS now INCLUDES a golden ray of FUTURE HOPE that actively renews the healing and PREVENTS getting stuck in old, now-nonexistent contexts! Yes, at that time in history, we WERE miserable. BUT NOW we have infused that time AS PERSONAL PAST with HOPE & TRUTH, and so even if literal history CANNOT be changed, SPIRITUAL "NOW" CAN CHANGE HOW THAT HISTORY UNFOLDS. Therefore, NOTHING in our past is a "death sentence." There is ALWAYS FORGIVENESS, ALWAYS a chance for MERCY & REDEMPTION. The Cross, too, occurred at only one historical point, but spiritually it is FOREVER-- and AS SANCTIFICATION & GRACE!!! Death was defeated in time ONCE, and so now FOREVER it is POWERLESS! So too with our past trauma. The Crucifixion DID happen, bloody & horrific. That's FACT, and cannot be changed. BUT, outside of linear time, that SAME event unfolds in LOVE & HOPE unto ETERNITY-- an event ALL SOULS can & DO participate in RIGHT NOW!! So that mercy & forgiveness can & do TANGIBLY, PERSONALLY, ACTIVELY redeem ALL people. Likewise, in our linear Now, we can send our healing love & mercy & forgiveness-- FROM CHRIST-- to ALL our past times & selves as PART of our NOW, & heal them FOREVER. ♥

BANANA)
Fear food= trauma suggestion, tied to elephants & monkeys, associated w/ Jade. Put all that aside & focused on the GOD-CREATED WONDER of its pure existence: the texture, the way it shimmers in light, the seeds! Fruit's existence in general is fascinating. God is SO Good. That helped us refocus. We also DIDN'T cut it off, remove the peel entirely, OR bite/eat the peel!

EGG)
Again, SO much nicer plain. The s&p are COMPULSIVE; try NOT using them. "But salt is holy!" NOT IF IT'S BEING ABUSED VIA COMPULSION!! If you feel "obligated" to eat it-- EAT, not "season"-- then DON'T. That's "opposite action" coping! It helps you REGAIN PROPER CONTROL over your compromised willpower. Right now, we're a slave to seasoning. We "can't" say no to it! And that's NOT A MORAL DECISION-- IT'S AN ADDICTION. Conscience doesn't go into moral panic if it doesn't put salt on a meal just because Jesus told a parable about it. Guess what? THAT'S IDOLATRY!! You're so focused on the literal SALT, you MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. So yeah, honestly, "fasting" from salt right now WOULD be the "morally proper" decision! Regain the freedom to CHOOSE that God created you with!! Honor Him with it!
+ The new girl on the unit is a KID, and her being so upset triggered out NIER. He was deeply upset by her thinness; he wanted to feed her the eggs his chickens laid to make her healthy & strong. Ate it for her. REALLY locked in sense data?? Just from having a CONCRETE PERSON eat, not just an "observer" of memory! REMEMBER THAT! Nousfoni do help immensely, but the ULTIMATE goal is to be able to CONSCIOUSLY eat as ONE CORE SELF, whoever the true "me" is, without switching for every food-- BUT that means we NEED A SOLID CORE SENSE OF "SELF," FIRST!!! Hence all the historical self-memory healing we're focusing on. Who "I" was as a child is REAL. There's a true heart in there somewhere. God help us find it.

FRENCH VANILLA TEA)
Surprisingly warm & mellow, like the blue tootsie rolls! Too yellow in tone to match our core, BUT!!! Instead of b&w "like or dislike" compulsive automatic judgments, we REALIZED: yeah it's not OUR vibe, BUT IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S-- someone HUMAN!!!! Other people like different things from us, which we personally "can't grasp" FROM AN ISOLATED PERSPECTIVE. BUT once we EXPERIENCE this different data, WE CAN EMPATHIZE, UNDERSTAND, & HAVE COMMUNION WITH THEIR UNIQUENESS: "if they vibe with THIS, then their SOUL has a vibe like this" = WE CAN KNOW THEIR SOUL BETTER, & SHARE IN THEIR EXPERIENCES.



post-lunch//

Pizza, Greek salad, ranch dressing, orange juice, 1 parmesan, 2 salt 3 pepper, 2 tea 2 creamer

★ Realized our perspective is: "You CAN FAIL AT EATING." We set "arbitrary" rules and if we mess up even a little, we feel UTTERLY DEVASTATED & COMPELLED TO "START OVER" & "DO IT RIGHT"... "OR ELSE." That FEAR of real but unspecified PUNISHMENT is SO POWERFUL and RE-TRIGGERS THE BULIMIC "EMERGENCY EXIT" RESPONSE. It ALSO explains why we RESTRICT: EVERY meal is another RISK, a chance to FAIL and SUFFER FOR IT-- AS A BAD PERSON. Our "failure" to do right means WE must BE "wrong"!! "Bad people do bad things!" So "failure" is DAMNING & UNACCEPTABLE.
+ We thought, "you can't drink OJ with pizza. At home, the family ONLY drank GRAPE juice with pizza." SO, "if I don't drink grape juice with it, I HAVE FAILED TO DO THE RIGHT THING." therefore I feel COMPELLED to THROW IT UP and START OVER RIGHT!!
We turn every meal into a MORALITY PERFORMANCE with impossible choreography. So we either AVOID the risk, OR we try to purge every failure-- which ALWAYS happened with that mindset!! It's TERRIFYING. If we "choose wrong" we are DAMNED. We've DISOBEYED, so we SINNED, by REBELLING AGAINST GOD'S DIRECTION and being willfully obstinate.
★ PURGING "RESTORED" OUR PURITY, BOTH MORALLY & PHYSICALLY. It was our confessional & our absolution. Only emptiness was safe/ Good, in the end. ALL eating became too morally ambiguous/ threatening, as we COULD and DID ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO CONDEMN, therefore MANDATING the penitential purge-- or else, WE WOULD LITERALLY "GO TO HELL"-- at least physiologically. And it WAS hell, every single day.
✳ Related to breakfast data: "LIKE/ DISLIKE" feels morally wrong, YET eating something that we intuitively "don't "enjoy"" feels DISTURBING to our SENSE OF SELF. We feel like, if we "don't like pizza," BUT still eat it, then "WHO ARE WE, REALLY??" We "can't resonate with two opposing responses!!" But see? We DON'T SEE IT AS "INNOCENT" PREFERENCE/ OPINION, EITHER. Dislike = REJECTION of others WHOSE SOULS DO RESONATE WITH IT. But TO eat that thing that DOESN'T harmonize with our core is a TRAUMATIC "OVERRIDE" OF SELFHOOD: an external "virus" trying to REWRITE who we ARE at heart. It's INTENSELY PERSONAL. THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH TRAUMA TIED TO "PEOPLE-PLEASING/ IMITATIVE EATING" = we LOSE OURSELF in PHYSIOLOGICALLY "IDENTIFYING WITH/ AS" THE OTHER by eating THEIR favorite foods obsessively. And why? Because, IF we love them OR WANT to love them, WE CANNOT "REJECT" THEM (OR SAY "NO" TO THEM; also rejection)!!! ALL "OPPOSITION" TO THEIR SELFHOOD IS UNACCEPTABLE. Our "only option" is to LIKE/ IDENTIFY WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO.
★ THAT is why, right now in recovery, we NEED "food socials" of a hyperspecialized sort-- nousfoni whose vibes are ROOTED in the vibes of ANY & IDEALLY ALL FOODS that are dissonant with the "core" self! THAT way, we can both HAVE a self, AND "match/ meet" the self of others! NO refusal, NO boundaries, NO dissonance, NO conflict.
★ ↑ All that hit HARD for lunch. The salad had feta cheese (Jade), olives & banana peppers (OV), tomatoes (grandma), and ranch dressing (unknown but possibly also OV). And we, idiotically, added parmesan (Lou/ grandpa). So we were a MESS mentally. We dissociated HARD because the sheer NOISE of data sources was so overwhelming. Plus we think we had a pollen allergy response to the lettuce (again)?? Muscle tics, breathing restricted, itchy, stuffy nose. So we're scared & sick on top of all that. But, splinters of the Cross. Carry it humbly.
★ Pizza is NOT our vibe AT ALL but so many people DO love it; it's SUCH a huge barrier between us & our community. It seems like EVERYONE likes pizza, so if WE don't, we are EXCLUDED from "everyone." WE ARE SO HEARTBROKEN/ UPSET/ TERRIFIED over that. But we still cannot seem to MAKE ourselves like it? We WANT to, ESPECIALLY since it was GRANDMA'S LAST MEAL!!!!! if we don't SHARE in that... we would rather die. So we MUST like pizza, AS OURSELF. Yes I'm sure we can "birth" a nousfoni for it (there are ALREADY "old Italian matron" seeds) BUT THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE PIZZA = COMMUNITY MEAL point. Church outings, childhood parties, dinner at Mom's, post-church Lawrence Welk memories-- ALL of it involves PEOPLE TOGETHER and WE need to be "ME" in order TO participate!!!
★ Unfortunately there IS pizza trauma. Tomato sauce between bread & cheese looks like blood oozing from a garish place. And it is MESSY, with that gore getting on one's fingers. It's EXPLICIT trauma similarity. Plus MC & OV always ate it, AND it's a binge-suffocation terror trigger. But THOSE EXPERIENCES DO NOT CHANGE THE TRUTH OF REALITY, which is that those negative associations AREN'T DEFINITIVE OR PERMANENT! Beneath & beyond that, there is a pure & simple EXISTENCE, from which CHRIST bestows ALL food as HIS GIFT, forever untouched by human fears.
✳ INSTEAD of "switching out with" food-vibe nousfoni in order TO eat those foods, EAT WITH THEM IN COMMUNION!!! That is the IDEAL option for EVERYONE-- it preserves core individuality, enables direct empathy, practices social eating contexts, etc. Share their heart WITH them, and share YOURS-- so you can do that PHYSICALLY with your fellow man! DO ALL OF IT WITH COMPASSION. ♥



post-dinner//

Breaded pork chops with gravy; mashed potatoes; butter; shortbread cookies; whole milk; 3 salt & 3 pepper; 2 tea 2 creamer

PORK)
Surprisingly lovely. Soft, nice texture, and purely positive flavor! We expected trauma, but found NONE. Thanks be to God! (Mom later told me SHE had pork chops for dinner, too, which warmed my heart SO MUCH. ♥ That's COMMUNION even now, and future hope!)

POTATOES)
According to direction, we put the butter ON the potatoes-- which was actually a SMART & PROPER action that we would never have chosen on our own (which is WHY obedience & trust are KEY), because the butterfat SLOWS THE GLUCOSE SPIKE potatoes always seem to give!! THAT'S why people put butter & sour cream & bacon on them!! See? Our compulsive hyper-individualizing of ingredients is PRACTICALLY UNHEALTHY. Still, SO is hyper-mixing! There is a WISE & prudent middle ground, the "straight & narrow path." Seek that even ground and walk with Him. ALSO! Even if it turns unexpectedly, it is STILL CLEAR; there are no tumultuous shifts or swerves. The end goal is CERTAIN-- God Himself as our King and Love-- and with Christ ALWAYS walking with us as both Leader & Companion, we CANNOT get lost or confused or misdirected. No matter WHAT we may face in life, IF we just TRUST Him and OBEY His guidance, our feet shall not slip; we shall remain on that sure & sacred road.

LORNADOONE SHORTBREAD)
We were literally JUST thinking about Saint Nicholas (Santa Claus) being a PERFECT example of "fat ≠ bad; even SAINTS CAN BE FAT", and then we get milk & cookies! Gosh it's actually so heartwarming. It makes me look forward to Christmas with even MORE joy!! ♥ They were SHOCKINGLY delicious, both in taste & texture! It was unexpectedly so, so nice. There's also NO immediate association, so it was a pure experience. A NOTE, though-- DON'T take a sip of the milk WITH the cookie in your mouth! It feels messy & undignified, AND it increases choking risk, PLUS it muddles the data way too much. We should really focus on mindfully, prayerfully, gratefully paying honest attention to ONE thing at a time while we learn & heal.



post-snack//

Harvest cheddar Sun Chips.
Thinking about ORANGE: EMBER DAYS, SUNSETS, etc. LIST!!
harvest = bounty of God's fruits, memento mori-- "oil in lamps," thanksgiving TRULY. prepare to preserve life through winter; God feeds His obedient children.
cheese = MILK, at heart! AGED, "to feed her children still when she, too, is old"; feeds children in winter when there is no literal "birth"? CRONE sacredness, as it were. perpetuated motherhood nurturing. cheese an ANCIENT common food anyway. DON'T DENY-- WE DO LIKE IT TOO!!
"dirty" cancelled BY JESUS!! "eat WITH sinners"; vs ALOOF PHARISEE "CLEAN." Jesus would absolutely get chip dust on His fingers right with the poor!

+ HAD to mostly open bag to prevent filthy hands from reaching in. not ready yet. DID challenge obsessive "order"/ crumbing. "LEAVE THE GLEANINGS" & treasure EACH bite; no "HAVE to" eat certain pieces. MORE FREEDOM OF CHOICE RESTORED! also, NO biting INTO chips; that's mincing. Eat normal; don't be too proud to laugh at yourself if you drop a piece, WITHOUT going into "animal" mode!! BE MEEK WITH HONOR!

 

(WORK IN PROGRESS; FOR NEW THERAPIST)



2008 NOTABLE DATES (RELEVANT TO THERAPY)

★still vacillating between hyper-optimist mania and "I think I'm becoming jewel the egocidal maniac"

010908
- "month long hiatus" on dA
- parents currently in divorce court; dad not allowed in house since before thanksgiving '07
- back in therapy; no longer hiding that "I have problems"
- zim era; talking to KOH upstairs
- monday talks with qlok
- still a lot of "friends" online at this point-- shub, zhao, ppb, mel, ben, jimmy, ideya, naysu, sarai, LAD, etc.
- TALKING TO NATALIE
- "whistling through the graveyard"
- STILL writing music and doing giftart

012208
- dancing through the waves of life

012408
- XANGA BEGINS

012708
- mention of vash & barry

020208
- mention of JULIE, DOPPELGANGER, & JESSICA as my main "shadows"
★ "DOPPELGANGER" WAS THE FREAKING TAR. WE HAD NO IDEA BACK THEN

020608
- CHRIS ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL FOR SEVERE DEPRESSION
- chaos asked me if I was suicidal while I was at violin lessons

020808
- accepted to college

020908
- first xanga entry. PEOPLE TALKING!!!
- "ate myself into oblivion" due to stress that "I pretended was gone" hitting me all at once
- I've been alienating myself from those I love... because I'm so darn afraid of what I'm becoming that I don't want to inflict myself upon them anymore.
- LAURIE SPOKE FIRST. god bless.
- jessica (BLUE), lynne (ORANGE), and me afterwards.
- LAURIE AND I ARE ALREADY ON GOOD SPEAKING TERMS HERE. "That's my girl. Now don't give me any reasons to come after you with an axe, y'hear?"

021308
- arguably first "shifting" proof entry. " I don't want to sleep or stay awake anymore."
- THIS IS THE NIGHT-SNOW ENTRY; THIS IS A MILESTONE IN PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE!!!
- "OVER MY SHOULDER" OST; FIRST RECORDED "JOHNNY-NIGHTER"

021708
- "impulse: cacophany of colors" = first "brainspill" poetry

022508
- the "jessica" entry that qlok flipped out over = "Laurie's not very happy with me. I'm not very happy with Jessica."
- the PHYSICS ROOM DEATH TERROR DAY
- ADMITTED THAT I LOVE GENESIS as a result of this

022508
- "on the subject of love"
- LAURIE IS FURIOUS and she STABS WHERE IT HURTS. accusations of sexual immorality in my relationships due to "letting [julie] control [my] body"; ironically she saw the hellish future coming a mile away and I missed it
- trying to "explain my relationships" and still not being honest with myself; I feel that in the very text

022608
- GENESIS AND CHAOS XANGA
- " Oh and I want to change my text color to orange."
- mention of a DELETED ENTRY WITH LYNNE ;______;
Yeah, I should. Um... to all you readers, the headroom topic in my past entry is obsolete now. I also deleted it, haha.
Yeah, we didn't want people getting the wrong idea, so we've all sworn off and erased such unhinged behavior as a result.
Even me.
Yes, even Selphy-boy. Apparently Jewel wasn't hallucinating.

030208
- FIRST RECORDED "NUMB STATE"

030408
- "riddle me this, anima… what is love?" skype

030508
- makeout sessions with genesis on the bus

030608
- grandma accused me of being a hateful person and I BROKE
- JULIE JUMPED ON THIS.

031008
- "last night I exploded"
- I'm like a living sacrificial doll. Not much to look at, no, and rarely does anyone give me a second glance, but I'm willing to die for the salvation of those I watch over, whether or not they know it.
If I could honestly save someone's life like that... if I could honestly give someone an undying light of hope, if I could turn someone's future around for the better, if I could enlighten a soul so it could live peacefully... I'd give my life. Hands down, no questions asked. I'll die for anyone who needs me.


031208
- "trying to turn your life around" HUGE entry to qlok

032708
- huge thankyou entry on dA

040108
- IMPULSE: THAT ETERNAL MOMENT
- qlok and I said "I love you" on monday night

040508
- "ALWAYS SO MUCH MORE TO SAY"

040708
"IMPULSE: HEART OF GLASS"

041208
"STREETLIGHTS"!!!

041308
- "two month ultimatum" and "I don't deserve all the loving friends I have"

042208
- "my head is a madhouse"
- NOTABLE because it MENTIONS HEADSPACE EXISTING AS HABITABLE SPACE.
- " Julie is being ruthlessly merciless. Every day she tries to get at me… Laurie and I can only do so much… when stuff happens it's headvoice versus headvoice and me stuck in the crossfire. It's not fun. At all… But Laurie's not always nice to me, you know. Sunday afternoon, she took out the axe… when I throw myself down and beat myself up, Laurie gets disgusted. And she gets violent. And I let her. And then Lynne steps in."


042408
- THE MORNING AFTER I TRIED TO "REABSORB" NOUSFONI
- this is SUCH AN IMPORTANT ENTRY
- "Natalie spoke for the first time last night. What a sweet voice she has... it's a shame her voice came so late, as she's no longer a personification anymore. She's back to being me. Yes, I managed to take Natalie, Jessica, and Lynne back into my personality this morning. My laughing reflection, my crying shadow, my supportive hope. All three, back to being what they were originally-- me. I did manage to evaporate the negative sides of Jess, though, so I didn't take back the self-worthlessness and depression.
Natalie was happy to be back. I think I purposefully personified her, actually... just to give my reflection, my happy thoughts, a name of their own... even though they were me all the time. So it's nice to have her essence back, so to speak. I'm going to miss Lynne, though, although she's been urging me to take her back for quite some time. I did tell her that-- that I would miss having her around-- but she just reminded me that she wouldn't be gone, really... she'd just lose her personification and turn back into self-worth and hopeful ambition. I missed her in that respect too. It's terribly funny how I happened to personify all those missing emotions. Huh. At least they're back, I guess.
But it feels... kind of wrong. I don't know."
- " Well, all that's left now are my two "doughboys", to use my Johnny jargon. The nearly-autonomous headvoices.
The playgirl and the axe-wielder.
Eh... I don't think I want to "absorb" them, you know? Besides... I love talkng to Laurie, and a few years ago I actually got Julie to mellow out for a while and be nice. (That was when she was my only headvoice.) I spoke to her and Laurie last night and again this morning on that point, actually... that since I've know Julie for over a decade and I'm uncannily attached to Laurie (especially because of how I met her), I'd rather they just stay themselves, now that they have minds of their own, and just help me deal with things that way... just drop their vicious negativity and be nice for once.
Laurie was all for it, actually, and said she'd gladly do that if Julie would behave as well. I was surprised when Julie said she'd try. See, told you she wasn't all bad. Everyone has some good in 'em, even headvoices. Unfortunately, they'e both formed from rejected bits of my personality (vice and self-hatred), so that might be an obstacle... but they still came from me, so they can't be all bad! I know they're not."
- "...There are only two fragments, and they fragmented by my own free will...Everyone else I just let inside. And I was formed from them, in a sense. If they're simply pieces of me, then I'm simply a piece of them. That doesn't hold up. Sure, I could easily turn them into feeling and make them part of me, but I'd just end up with what isn't mine. Sure, I could easily forget them all and just go about life, but then I would have no purpose, no future, no past."

-
050208
- INSANEJOURNAL BEGINS. this was an active effort to hide from qlok.
- FIRST SYSTEM TALLY. seven people. (laurie, julie, chaos, genesis … lynne, natalie, jessica (re-absorbed))
- JESSICA ALREADY LISTED AS "RE-FORMING"

050508
- love letter to genesis
- AND "good day bad day would you look at the time? "
- FIRST massively unhinged entry on record
- " Regardless I'm just not comfortable around young adults... heck, I'm not comfortable around anything with a reproductive system"
- BUT THEN… "I have 5 loves and two of them aren't human! Yes yes yes, Chaos Zero and Selph. Dear heavens I love them so much. Honestly. To the point where I would die for them. It's a beautiful feeling to have. Oh yeah and even better is the fact that both of them are completely sexless, which is awesome times twentysix. So I can do stuff with them that I can't do with anybody else! Yeah!" KID THIS IS WHAT LAURIE WARNED YOU ABOUT
- "But yeah back to qlok. I'm very worried about his opinion of me. I know he worries about me, but I'm such a freaking headcase and emotional wreck and anomalous human type person that I am seriously thinking that, whatever I am and whatever I'm not, at least in his opinion, I'm not good for him or anyone. Honest. I think I'm a very bad thing for him to have in his life... even though I try my freaking hardest to be a good person… He's too good a person to deserve as bad a person as me. Everyone is.
I just... well, I deserve to be alone, like I've always been, and I want to be. I like it this way, to be honest. Saves people, too."
- QLOK AND I "BROKE UP" AFTER THIS
- SCRIBBLD BEGINS THIS DAY TOO

050608
- " Polyamory is okay if you're asexual, right? Celibacy still counts even if you took the vow in second grade, right? There's nothing wrong with being in love with someone inhuman, is there? … Every darn thing you can do in a relationship that involves physical contact can easily be accused of being sexual in nature and that makes me want to explode with exasperation and offense… The crazy relationships I have with those two are terribly fun, really, but everyone gets the idea that it's somehow sexual. Good Lord it ISN'T. I hate sex, I've been traumatized by it before, and Julie is enough stress for me on that subject. On that note, miss blond pigtails, neither of my two guys are even capable, so there."

051108
- "I am having such a devastating guilt trip right now it's insane. And this one is horribly justified. I did some terrible things when I was young... terrible. And you wonder why I loathe my past so much. No details for you. No details for anyone. These are the sort of atrocities I haven't even spoken to Selph or Chaos about... and I tell them everything. Literally everything. Except my mistakes. Except my deepest and darkest regrets. That's going to a priest and no one else."
- I'm so glad I'm finally eighteen.
I'm now an adult. My entire childhood, my entire past is behind me now. Every last moment of it. And I plan to leave it all behind. As soon as I get all this hideous regret out of my soul, I'm going to change my name and erase every last reminder of my mistakes and regretful past that I possibly can. And then I'm going to start over. I'm going to leave EVERYTHING behind and start over. I'm finally going to be the person I want to be. The person I am inside. Not this idiot I've been stuck as for nearly two decades. I'm sick of this name. Sick of this town knowing who I was. Sick of the photo albums upstairs, the immature ramblings in my old journals, the memories burning holes in my mind. Sick of the guilt. Well, God willing, I'll finally be free from it all soon.

- WTF WAS I PLANNING????????????

051208
- IJ RANT ABOUT HEADVOICES. MILESTONE ENTRY.
-












------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2009

010309
- BENJAMIN BUTTON ENTRY. glissando's legacy.











------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2010


012010
- "I'm a population minority in a sense... asexual neutrois celibate, of course. It wouldn't be a problem if it didn't cause me problems with everything. If I mention it at home I'm ostracized or thrown at another therapist. If I mention it to said therapists I'm told that 'I'll grow out of it,' ignoring the fact that I've been 'growing out of it' since the 2nd grade. I wouldn't dare mention it in public, as most people don't take kindly to severe genderfreaks and I'd likely make my college life into more of a mess than it is now.
Freakin' doctors won't even sign me up for surgery because 'you're too young and we don't want you scarring at this age.' For God's sake, man, I refuse to die without any scars. If the only way to be 'free' from this chronic curse is to slice myself open in thirty-six different ways, then get out the freaking scalpel and get started. I've got all the time in the world."
- MENTION OF JENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


020410
- MANIC talk with CZ on FB
- USING THE RED "JAYCE" ICON!!

022210
- "THE NUMBER YOU HAVE DIALED"




















050910
- MOM GOT A BOYFRIEND
- QLOK GOT A GIRLFRIEND
- COLLEGE EXPELLED ME
- DYSPHORIA KILLING ME; "TOO NUMB TO WRITE OR DRAW"


051310
- I lost all interest in most things, and my memory played along, often deleting entire days from my recollection. I'd wake up in the morning and start to cry, because I couldn't remember anything that had happened over the past freaking week. Then I'd drag myself out of bed, stretch the pain out of my spine and try to choke down breakfast without throwing up. I'd head off to the washroom, close the door and look at my reflection in the full length mirror, silently loathing the body I was stuck in, mentally fighting off both Julie and Laurie's vicious appeals. Sometimes I'd win, sometimes I'd lose... but either way, I'd soon be rushing back out the door, resignedly wondering how quickly the next 7 hours would go by.

- I finally spoke to Jena. God only knows how much I love her; I hope she's more successful than she's ever dreamed. She deserves it.


052410
and got nose-to-nose with my neighbor's chihuahua without him trying to bite me!
WHERE WERE WE LIVING??????????

052710
My dream last night was the closest thing to hell I've ever experienced.
(WAS THAT THE LESBIAN RAPE + REDLIGHT BOMB DREAM???)

052910
- "BLOOD AND SUNLIGHT"
- THIS WAS THE "FRAGMENT" ERA. we were hyperdissociated at all times just to survive.
★THIS ENTIRE ENTRY IS INDISPENSABLE. READ THE WHOLE THING TO THE THERAPIST.
KEY POINTS:
- Days spent dissociating so hard we detached from all physical sensation, "dreamlike" waking where nothing seemed real or "clicked"
- TONS of "inner sight" time? daydreaming, talking in headspace. completely disconnected from the body, AND typically isolated???
- We DIDN'T EAT, and visual input was hazy. only "hearing" worked due to talking to ourself/ves and listening to music (minimalist)
- To "reconnect" with physical reality we would physically "obsess" over it-- stretching, exercising obsessively, covering it with glitter, pulling out hair, cutting it.
- THE WAR STARTED IN 2008 WITH THE "PURPLE COMB CROSSES" AND THAT WAS LAURIE'S DOING. "Concentrate on the burn, she'd say. Concentrate on it. It's fire; it's punishment. Think of what you've done that causes such pain, and never do it again."
- IT ONLY WORKED AT FIRST BECAUSE I WASN'T USED TO THE PAIN!!!
"…but as the incidents added up, a sick trend began to appear. I began to force myself to give in to Julie, no matter how much it hurt, because I wanted that other sort of hurt. I wanted to feel physical pain. My daily life was becoming so monotonous, so devoid of the vivid moments I thrived upon, that I was turning to desperate measures. I would willingly torture myself just to feel the bite of that unorthodox razor, just to feel real pain, even if it was fleeting. Laurie caught on quickly enough, and in a fury, refused to punish me any longer. If I screwed up, if I kept giving in, my guilt would be the only retaliation I would receive. It took me a while to stop; I was still so blind and desperate, and I kept pitifully looking for the pain, the sick reward I would receive for self-destruction. It never came."
ARE WE STILL DOING THIS????????????

- COLLEGE BROKE US BECAUSE WE COULD NO LONGER RUN FROM TRIGGERS AND WE BEGAN TO SELFDESTRUCT.
"[Attacks] began to hit from the outside. I had no way of fighting it… In some instances I could quickly turn away, heaving, shaking, my arms wrapped tightly about my stomach... but most times I would be trapped in a classroom for two hours with a promiscuous professor, forced to stand by a woman whose stomach bore the result of an act I had nightmares about. I was no longer able to escape, and it was slowly driving me to the edge. I began to abuse myself again... mentally, physically, emotionally. Most nights I would be locked in the bathroom again, where no one could see me, where no one would interrupt. I'd kneel on the floor and quietly sob, uncontrollably, terrified of the mirror, terrified of the body I was in, of the thoughts and words and pictures and expectations that went with it. That's when I started having the nightmares and the breakdowns. I couldn't escape. Everywhere I looked there was danger, danger, danger. I refused to give in or give up... so what could I do? Then one day Laurie took me aside and looked at me with tired, solemn eyes. She only said a few words. If you can't escape... you need to desensitize yourself. That started it all. It was hell; pure hell. I only wanted to run, but now I found myself with my legs chained to the wall, the horrors of the world directly before my eyes, and the only way to stay sane was to simply become blind to it.
Or so I thought… What I didn't know is that in order to get through hell, I couldn't just turn around... I had to walk straight through the center of it first."
HOW MANY BLOODY NOUSFONI WERE BORN FROM THIS.
- DESENSITIZATION EFFORTS began when we were desperate and, seeking any coping method, attempted to "become used to" the horrors we were being constantly exposed to, in an effort to "numb ourselves" to the screaming terror on a daily basis. THIS BACKFIRED CATASTROPHICALLY.
- Step one: GET USED TO MIRRORS. This, unarguably, is what kept Natalie from resurrecting for YEARS, AND is what shattered what was left of our self-image: CANNON DIED AFTER THIS AND THE JAYCES TOOK OVER!!!
- JULIE JUMPED ON THIS AND KICKSTARTED THE "IT WOULDN'T HURT AT ALL IF YOU JUST AGREED WITH THEM & GAVE IN" FATAL MINDSET. THIS IS WHAT CREATED THE "SCIENTIST" AND OTHER HELL SPLINTER-NOUSFONI. "I began to look at the dangers and wonder if maybe I was the one who was wrong. I was so painfully naive. I was too frightened to stand up for myself or fight back. I was so broken and had so little faith in myself that I figured that I deserved to suffer... so I did."
- DISSOCIATION & DEPRESSION SPIKE. SUICIDE BECOMES AN OPTION AT THIS POINT.
- LAURIE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. We both thought, uncertainly, that "maybe if we realize how hellish this stuff TRULY IS, we will be motivated to fight it all the more"? but it failed, too. I was too weak, too scared, too tired, too doubtful of myself to defend myself. so laurie said, RUN TO HER. and she would overload me with physical pain, to the point where NO ONE ELSE COULD DO ANYTHING. this sort of "torture override" may have been the only thing preventing hacks for a WHILE.
- tragically, Julie PUSHED FIGURE DRAWING and we gave in. and this SUCCEEDED IN "GETTING USED TO IT." this began the infamous "estar problem" and God knows it was LITERAL HELL.
- we began to think we were a lesbian, NOT REALIZING IT WAS BECAUSE "I WAS ALREADY USED TO THAT TOO" and it just fed into the "numb self-annihilation drive" we were riding
★A MONTH PRIOR TO THIS ENTRY-- roughly the end of april, early may (check entries???)-- WE FIRST CUT THE BODY WITH A RAZOR.
 ★ "See, at this point you might be asking yourself 'if you're suffering so badly, and hate doing that to yourself so much, then why don't you just stop??' I wish it were that easy; I truly do. However, for some sick reason, whenever I get that destructive 'urge,' I go into a sort of locked-up mindset. All I can think about is what I'll do to myself, and often times I disassociate. I'll be destroying my body or my mind and the entire time, I'll be cut off from all my immediate senses, and imagining that this is happening to someone else, maybe in a completely different way. It's scary. I honestly won't see, hear, or otherwise notice anything that's going on around me unless it strongly catches me off guard, hence why it's hard to break out of those bad states, those 'Julie hacks.' Maybe I'll imagine some poor child being mangled by an attacker, who's telling him that unless he lets them hurt him, they'll kill his family. Maybe it'll be one of my characters, caught up in some nightmare they can't escape from. Maybe it'll even be me in another form, me as a Celebi, being ravaged by some brutal Pokemon-catcher group. God only knows... but either way, once I finish up whatever I'm doing, I invariably end up in one of three situations... 1, curled up in the corner and sobbing hysterically, 2, standing in front of the mirror and screaming at it... maybe picking up another 'weapon' and 'punishing' myself in a vicious cycle (sometimes I turn on the faucet until the water is scalding, then burn my hands several times... one time I even hid a knife on the towel rack so I could saw at my chest with it)... or 3, silently walking out into the living room, lying down on the couch, and blankly staring at the wall. Thoughtless, numb. Unwilling to even remember. When I wake up tomorrow I won't recall the evening at all.
If I could turn off this horrid drive, I would have done so years ago. It's a day-by-day war for me."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN NORTH CAROLINA!?!??!?!?!!!!!!
ALSO WAS TOBY BORN FROM THAT FIRST "THREATENED CHILD" MINDSET????
AND WHO THE BLOOD WOULD TAKE OVER IN OPTION 2 THERE???
★BLACK LIGHT MACHINE SAVING OUR LIFE AGAIN = "YOU'RE THE ONE, AND THE ONE YOU MUST SURVIVE"
 ★ CZ ULTIMATUM = "IF YOU LOVE ME-- IF YOU LOVE ANYONE-- YOU'LL STOP DOING THIS." but also, " An ultimatum. One I couldn't possibly break. I wondered why they hadn't given it to me before, but then I remembered how weak I was, how willing I was to toss everything away. I remembered that day I decided my life was beyond saving, and I remembered waking up the next morning."
- btw seeing him in dreams was RARE before this; ONLY NOW was when he started appearing in dreams TO PROTECT ME, which he now does CONSISTENTLY
- "THEY HAD BEEN SPEAKING." = this was the time period when Chaos & Laurie began to see eye-to-eye & become friends
 ★ KEY REALIZATION = "I NEED PAIN. Oh yes, I need it. I need moments of extreme, gut-wrenching emotion, that shatter everything around you and force your perspective to change. Pain. I was getting it confused with other things for so long; awful things that lied, that pretended to be what I needed." YOU NEED CATHARSIS, KIDDO!!!!
- SHOCK SITE THERAPY: " I have never flinched so hard. I could barely watch the next three minutes, but I forced myself to anyway... not because I was expected to, not because I had been told to, but because this was real, this was wrong, and I knew it.
Catharsis. Extreme emotion. The pain I need."
 ★ THIS WAS ALSO WHEN WE STARTED HAVING NOTABLE TROUBLE WITH "SEXUALITY" IN GENERAL. We were not attracted to people & felt no response at nudity, even in forcing ourselves through figure drawing: "I did not enjoy it at all, and there was no sexual anything… I'd be looking straight at some gal and I'd be wondering how the heck anyone would be attracted to that in the first place. At first I was fine with that. Then I brought it up to my mom and therapists, and they said something was wrong with me. So I started trying to 'force' myself (again; what was wrong with me??) to see something in it, although the very thought of it made me ill."
★ BUT THEN I MET JENA. "…and something weird happened. Yeah, I could just barely handle the figure drawing thing, but I didn't know those people. The art objectified them, which I loathed. But Jen? Forget it; I love her, and she's not taking her shirt off around me. See the difference? Having that direct, intense conflict between what I was feeling and what I was being told to feel forced me out of that [forced-lesbian] stage pretty darn fast. Sure, I'd still have my moments of 'but what if they're right?', I'll admit it, but ultimately it all came down to what I was unwilling to compromise, ironically." AND THAT'S CHAOS ZERO'S ULTIMATUM.
- STILL TERRIFIED OF "CURVY" WOMEN & "PHYSICAL FEMININITY" = "The whole chest size thing that some guys obsess over? It scares me. I can't handle sexuality, even if one doesn't act upon it. If you're visibly showing something that I perceive as sexual, such as a large chest or a promiscuous outfit or big hips, I will likely act a bit panicky around you… I'm going to be frightened."

★ BTW. EVEN THOUGH INFINITII GOT THE HIPS, NO ONE GOT "CHEST SIZE." THAT IS STILL HORRIFYING TO US.
★ ALSO OH NO I SEE HOW THIS GOT CORRUPTED. We were "only attracted to" BOYISH GIRLS WITH BONY FIGURES AND FLAT CHESTS. It was that purity and androgyny that we felt "sensually drawn to" and LATER ON, IT BECAME WARPED TO INCLUDE CHILDREN DURING THE NC HELL. This was probably because, once we became exposed to real "queer" people and learned that mature women who LOOKED safe were NOT safe, our brain thought "well then the ONLY people who WON'T hurt us are KIDS" and… well. You remember what happened to the League, too, with that.
"See, I like the deepest elements of things, the most truly personal things. I like bones, I like scars, I like tendons and veins and freckles and eyes and the way people move. I'm asexual, but... I'm addicted to intimacy. Extreme intimacy… I have this weird addiction to fragility, to things people take for granted, to hidden things, to secrets. I get it for most things, really, and sometimes it'll hit hard and out of nowhere. It's the reason why, when I got Apollo (my Macbook), I first looked through every file I could find on him, learned what everything on his keyboard was, put my nose up to his screen just to see the individual pixels... turned him off, turned him over, took him apart. Looked at every little piece. Put him back together and memorized every different texture on him. Details. I do it to music, too... I'll listen to the same song, over and over, for hours... maybe repeating the same two seconds just to hear a certain chord, or a certain echo, or the way his voice cracks, or the way she breathes in, or the way I can hear the musician's finger touch a string on that one note. Maybe I'll just listen to every instrument individually, maybe I'll just hold my headphones against my ears, close my eyes, and lose myself… sometimes I get it with people. I get it with those girls, the ones I feel close to.
I'll want to memorize the exact color of her eyes, the way her hair feels through my fingers. I'll want to run my fingers over her shoulder blades and feel her heart beat and listen to the way her breath catches sometimes. Is that romantic? I don't know what to call it; it's almost a drive. It's like I need to feel that even if I can't explain why… [but] it's always one sided. Always one sided. Maybe it's simply because I don't feel I exist in the physical world, not genuinely. Maybe it's because I don't see myself as a 'lover' or 'partner,' just a compassionate and selfless observer. But I don't want to be seen back. I only want the other person to know that they are deeply loved, that's all."
★ WE LOST THIS BECAUSE OF NORTH CAROLINA AND I WANT IT BACK!!!!

060210
-Started "hallucinating" about the unicorns.

060310
- THE BEAR & LAURIE DREAM!!!
- Also with Perfect and me flying into his "heart" to BECOME THE RUBY. He also told me he wanted me to stay with him "for the rest of [his] entire life"
- Oh yeah! and THIS. "…there was a small group of people holding up a large amount of colorful spheres up to me and demanding that I 'sing.' I originally thought the spheres were 'onions,' as they were covered in a sort of concentric 'skin' that looked like thick plastic. They also appeared to be lit dimly from the inside. Some were pink, some were yellow, and some were white-- but the most striking thing about them is that most of them appeared to be rotting. The few that were being practically shoved into my face were almost entirely rotted, and looked positively horrid. Regardless, the people still kept shouting that I 'sing' for them, but I said nothing. At one point the man who was holding the onion-things thrust them towards my face so sharply I thought he was going to hit me, and I couldn't help but cry out a bit. Someone behind him laughed and commented that it was the 'closest thing to a song' they were probably going to get from me."
- I was ALSO flying around as a Celebi!
- AND THE PHAGOPHOS. They would "possess" people and their "inflicted vice" was EMPTINESS. The ONLY thing that gave us hope was my saying 'All Jewel Monsters are good at heart.' and one HEARD me and FELT SOMETHING, transmuting its emptiness!!!!

★ JUNE BEGAN THE MULTIPLE FEW-SENTENCE FRAGMENT ENTRIES.
I ALSO BEGAN HAVING BREAKDOWNS AND CALLING OFF OF WORK.


061710
- BETWEEN THE 12TH & NOW I AM SUDDENLY IN UTAH?????????
- "LAURIE LOST IT"
- "I was subjected to 40+ solid minutes of physical/mental torture, which had no discernible motive other than inducing crushing guilt and self-deprecating thoughts for the sake of "punishment." The most terrifying part wasn't the pain in itself... it was her absolute refusal to stop, negotiate, or even explain herself. Not only that, but Chaos tried to intervene on my part, and she attacked him so severely and abruptly that he actually bled. Needless to say I was in a total panic by now.
...After qlok showed up and therefore rendered her incapacitated (at least temporarily), Chaos, Marik, Bakura, & I tried to figure out what had happened. We couldn't. For the first time in my 4 years of knowing her, Laurie had visibly unwound... unhinged, even. I think she might've even been blind; she didn't seem able to comprehend ANYTHING, let alone those around her. She insisted everything we spoke was a lie and was apparently focused (albeit in a very frantic manner) on the senseless mania that was dictating her actions. I don't know if she slept or not. I was, understandably, afraid to sleep, as she had been severely hacking my 'dreams' when I tried to escape the night before. I'm worried sick. If my own superego is going through this, what's going to happen to the rest of us?"

061810
- XANGA WITH LAURIE.
- CORE AVATAR IS NOW RED "JAYCE". GOING BY "JEWEL" STILL.
You'd better be sorry, you bastard. Look at what you've done.
Laurie, is this really my fault though? They wanted me to come here. I'm doing this for them.
Don't lie to me, bitch. They had no idea what sort of pain you would cause them. Remember what you did to her Wednesday night? You heard those sobs! That was YOUR FAULT.
oh shit I remember what this was
just… read this entire entry to the therapist, okay?
key points
- " He's not yours, and neither is she! …You're tearing them apart! You're a glitch in the program, an extra variable that throws everything out of sync. They don't need or want you."
- She mentioned how my loving Chaos "enough to die for him" was ALSO "going to cause a conflict"; I insisted that was "settled" but she insisted otherwise.
- I just deal the punishment you deserve. You're the one laying down the cards… I know EXACTLY what you're trying to pull here, and that's why I refuse to let you lie your way out of it.

061810
- "compassion" poem. about mel and qlok. remember this affected them STRONGLY. read this in therapy.
- I awoke this morning to find you in my arms. Now he holds you the same.
I feel no pain, no envy... such things cannot exist for the sake of love.
I simply feel purposeless. An extra wheel; an accidental addition.
I am intruding upon something I relinquished a lifetime ago.
My chandelier has shattered; yours is picturesque.
My presence only forebodes a fate I swore I would never let you suffer.
So what do I do?"

062010
- "I was supposed to be their guardian angel. I was supposed to protect them. I did what I could, but... God forgive me, we came so close."
- CAR CRASH CAR CRASH CAR CRASH!!!!

062110
- finally got laurie's point.
1) I am currently living in the same state as 2 individuals I care for very much.
2) Of those 2 individuals, one of them used to 'be in a relationship' with me, and is now in a very strong relationship with the other.
3) As a result of this connection between the two, I cannot show any sort of love to either of them without feeling like a criminal.
AND THEY WERE TREATING ME LIKE IT, TOO.
- "I am over 2000 miles away from the place I've called 'home' for the past 2 decades, and it's only now that I finally realize what 'home' should feel like."
 ★ I was driving through Cottonwood Heights this morning and as I looked at the scenery around me, I asked myself why I felt so apprehensive. No, I'd never been there before... I knew very few people and places there, and if I had been left on a street corner I would have had no idea where to turn. And yet, we would all feel that initial fear upon arriving in a 'new' place. It's natural... we need our security, our comfort, our familiarity. We also forget that those things need to develop, with no exceptions. That is the reason why I need my outside love. To me, that's the only thing I need to feel at home. My books, my music, my work... they all contain countless hours of that love. And yet there's something terribly intriguing about having another soul in your life to give love to as well. That's why I'm suffering. That's why I'm so numb right now. I couldn't handle the relentless ache of keeping everything inside, of keeping everything hidden, when I finally had a possible chance to let it all out. I traveled 2000 miles and took so many risks just to be here, just to be here for them. I put everything on the line for their love, just to find that I could not give it back... that I could not free this relentless light trapped within my ribcage. It began to burn, so I hid it. Right about now, I'd give anything just to feel that pain again.
I STILL HAVE FLASHBACKS TO THAT EXACT EVENT!!!

062210
- SELF IMAGE IS NOW SOLIDLY MALE. "... I've never had a definite or visual idea of what I'd like to have until the past few months. Even stranger, in every single 'vision' I have of my future, I'm physically Jayce."
-






082810
- I'm currently in Utah. I don't want to go home, and I don't want to stay here. Everywhere I go, I find myself twisting myself to fit expectations, blindly entertain people, avoid serious offense or whatever the heck else gets thrown at me. I'm so tired.
I'm also starting to get very sick physically. That's a direct result of my psychological problems, and as such I can't do a darn thing about it.

I'm actually at qlok's house right now, and both he and mel are here. I don't know what to do. I feel so numb and empty after this morning.
I was just 'hanging around' with qlok for a few hours, with Apollo (my Macbook if you didn't know), and having him there made me feel stupidly obligated to 'try and keep him amused.' What the heck. But yeah, mindless me decided to waste time on Tumblr and Halolz and all sorts of idiocy in a lame attempt to 'be interesting.' I'm so freaking sick of it.
What if I want to work? Can't you even respect what little privacy I have nowadays?
What if I just want to sit and actually think, huh? I don't need any of the 'fun' you like so much. I need something worthwhile. I just don't know how to come out and say that without condemning them all to hours of emotional pain whenever I'm around. I'm so freaking sorry.

This is why I don't like being around them, although I'm too afraid to speak it. I cannot ever be myself.

I am also SICK of being physically female. Even typing it makes me want to throw up or throw my computer across the room.
Yeah, I know this is a test from God. Be strong, right? But this horrific body is making me cruel, angry, and vengeful... it's not me. I'm terrified.
God, please, help me get through this. I don't know what to do and all I want to do is sleep until I feel right again.



082910
- KEY ENTRY?????
- Screw getting a girlfriend; right now I'd probably be happier if I never saw another biological female for the rest of my freaking life. Last night I was sent to hell.
Let's start at the beginning...
Yesterday, after I finished my Jayce-rant entry, mel went into some sort of Laurie-state with (I assume) Parker: her own personal schadenfreudic headvoice, so to speak. Of course I was still stuck in this awfully numb state during it, so I had no idea what do do, let alone the means to do so.
Even better? I lost my only connection to Jena. Hello mental trauma.

- …I haven't been feeling anything other than this dull empty ache between my ribs, but according to mel I've been emitting such a negative energy signature that it's making them physically ill.














(to be continued!!)

[uncensored for brutal honesty]

proverbs 9:16-18


eating disorder hell.


Allergy panic girl
Blue obligation girl
Enjoying eater girl = tied to CAKE???????
Bingeing girl (once we hit "that point") = tied to RUPTURE.
rupture's "second name" keeps feeling lke GORGE but thats sounding like a SURNAME, NOT A SECOND NAME. why is this? is that name tied to her girl instead???
cannot even theorize rupture's second name because we do't know enough about her function and/or heart host TO guess.

tobiko hasn't been out in a while?
someone ELSE keeps purging, "we're going to die why cant we stop" mindset
tobiko would panic "get the poison out" then became dpressed and QUIT??? IS HER ANCHOR CHANGING LIKE RAZORS???
but this current purge person basically BLACKS OUT in the process. existing before nd after, not during.
too much fear and trauma to have tobiko front for that anymore???

WHERE IS SPICE WHEN THIS ALL HAPPENS?????


WHO IS TIED TO THAT BIG TAURUS DAEMON???
someone definitely is. but i think that soeone is still vague. i KNOW they were out but we can't even get thier fronting data (this is simeon, hi!)

Chocoloco still tied to angry "jess" BUT he was yelling at the latter nousfoni? the one eating the chocolate candy.
did they even like it????

THERE'S A BROWN MANIC WHO ONLY FRONTS TO LOOK FOR UPPERS????
"we need to stay awake, we need to have coffee and/or chocolate!!!!" 
BUT CHOCOLOCO ISN'T FROM HER. THAT'S SURPRISING.
WHY IS THIS?
(her heart can't hold a daemon??? choco tied to the global concept??? feel this out)

IS THIS THE SAME NOUSFONI WHO KEEPS DRINKING ALCOHOL OR ARE THERE TWO OF THEM???

there's someone ANGRY who comes out when we try to read corrective or self-knowledge stuff???
girl. close to angry jess root but not her. muddy brown, feels washed out. angry at me/us fr typing this but wont stop us? just a low flat disdainful anger.
the boy from yesterday (zodiac rage) has an edge to his anger. he'll yell about it. this girl wont. like a heavy dead weight anger, no action. just shutdown.
why? what are her roots?
her response think "don't think about that" nose wrinkle and try to BLACK IT OUT. like covering eyes. total shut off! scary.
why does she do that? doesn't she want to learn
she cannot front if someone else is strongly fronting? only if in vague pseudosocial mode? like readig.
need a name for THAT state of mind. different from upstairs AND downstairs. sort of an inbetween.
headspace level parallel???
anyway we have to find someone who LIKES reading that stuff so they can OVERPOWER that, for lack of a better term. (who am i, they're thinking i'm the "bleaching optimistic" one, that stings but i think its true.)
also, whoever this good-reading person might be, they CANNOT be hyperreligious, that only compounds the problem. religious voices need to be dealt with very carefully as they bring an entire other level of tangled motives into the picture and we cannot untangle both at once with this, not safely.



Juniper = job is to SAY NO. NO MATTER WHAT.
CHAOS out helping Juniper. Lots of love there actually. they remember the last time.
someone called her out!!!! who?

Mirror realization, called JESSICA out??? LEGIT DEADNAME CORE. A GOOD PERSON!!!!!!!!!
Someone else before her, recognizing the heart of all this is THE DESTROYER

ALL MIRROR PEOPLE ARE STRONGLY AWARE OF THE SYSTEM AND HAVE TOTAL POWERFUL INTEGRITY. "TAKE NO SHIT" BUT DEEPLY COMPASSIONATE. (reminds us of triple a little???)
jamie is pure motivation, but real about it
this girl is "tell it like it is" and determined to spread awareness so things change. not violent.
triple is NOT a mirror person, 
her vibe is blurring hard even pinging her writing this??? with two other people? FEEL THIS OUT
TRIPLE DOESN'T THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE AS DIRECTLY AS MIRROR VOICES DO.
triple "says what no one else will admit" and she's ANGRY about it. but only comes out actuvely, in response TO a hiding of something that HURTS.
(^THAT NAME ISN'T FITTING HER WELL??)

- much later, mirror girl taking us to bathroom to get dressed and SPICE came up alongside her; they are SUPER SIMILAR almost like sisters??? but unmistakably different even so.
someone else fronting with them too? talking TO mirror, worried. NOT "THROUGH" it like an actual mirror nousfoni would!!


Jessica called LAURIE while drying dishes. Told her EVERYTHING.
laurie sobbing in rage about this. then SHOUTING for tiger lily. looking for a "social protector"
GOT HER OUT BRIEFLY but she couldnt stay???
where is the cerise protector??
(she says "i'm here" but she's still mostly faceless and totally nameless. says she's figuring out what her new role is, now that we're not in a trauma environment)
Laurie took the garbage bags out
SOMEONE HYPERRELIGIOUS came out by the tree briefly, condemning? i think a jay stepped in briefly to tell them not to be so caustic before laurie came back.
laurie asking who even wanted the food? like the ham, and the pie, who liked it? got NO RESPONSE. Actual disgust, cringing at thought of food. the response was DISLIKE!!
Realizing the people responsible for the actual eating have SMOTHERED CONSCIENCES. the idea of someone else "owning" a food item causes a "blind response" in them. they CANT fathom it for their function. the thought when eating the trail mix, "this belongs to mason, this isn't yours," caused them to mentally BLACK OUT because they cant comprehend/tolerate the guilt response? or CANT STOP? like if they admitted that theyd have to stop eating, and they cant for some reason????? their function is TO eat so it'd be denying Why they're out???? FIGURE THIS OUT. i dont even think they Want the food, it feels like a total compulsion. programming. they're vaguely Aware of guilt and shame but don't quite Feel it. everything distant, conceptualized. even while they eat. sort of "clear muffle" over everything, like two feet of gel or plastic. WEIRD AND FOREBODING. 
wreckage coming out on the way back in from outside, hearing people arguing in another apartment. she and laurie briefly cofronting almost, slight level difference. but close, next to each other. rubbing elbows almost. wordless close recognizion of each other. "i'm here for you"
back inside, laurie wanting to tell mason and ollie everything about this problem. fess up, admit helpless angry scared frustration, inability to stop or control ourself. terrified at this, but NEED to admit it to prevent it in the future. considering going to mcdonalds or ihop all night when the arrows work, to flat-out prevent any and all such behavior. wanting this in any case, i think the isolation is Causing a lot of this trouble? messes BAD with our perception of reality. can't fathom anyone or anything BUT the current social person existing. (THIS NEEDS TO BE LOOKED AT AND WRITTEN ABOUT.)
at computer, laurie having unexpected feelings towards kris' picture on the lamp? she's fiercely fond of him. deep camaraderie bond, but also a sort of burning platonic love. like a weapon heated glowing hot. knuckles white clenched holding it to defend someone. very devoted.

WEIRDLY, THE SLIGHTEST VARIATIONS ON THE DEADNAME CALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE OUT.
the full deadname is tied to THIS girl, the good one.
SEEING IT IN TEXT CALLS OUT SOMEONE DIFFERENT????
context appears to be HUGE for this



briar out RIGHT NOW feeling panic at tasting food in our mouth? scared as shit.
good. more of us need to ACTIVELY FUCKING REALIZE what this is doing to our godforsaken body.
- someone ELSE triggered by smell of food on hands. briar ALONGSIDE them. neither aware of each other???? (!!!)

jewel says GO BRUSH OUR TEETH so we can relax!!
jessica agrees, go get it done so we can actually get back to living!
(jess is OLDER than jewel! maybe 15, 16? not 17. DOESN'T KNOW QLOK. might not even BE tied to school?????? possible for nousfoni to be older but NOT HAVE MEMORIES OF LIFE DURING THAT AGE IN THE BODY. e.g. a "16 year old" nousfoni not knowing anything about what happened when we were in high school. or an 18 year old nousfoni not knowing anything about holding a job.)

someone wanting to eat vitamins and melatonin gummies, not out of hunger, but out of panicked compulsion.
THE BLUE GIRL?
laurie yelling at them for this. that person DOESNT QUITE FRONT? just comes in "sideways halfway" and has the body do things, SO THEY DONT FEEL THE EFFECTS OR CONSEQUENCES!!!!
the one who eats is NOT HER.

now, someone JUST came out TO eat the vitamins, scared and nervous but they WANTED THEM. happy to eat them actually. feels brown? long hair. wanting to eat more but not really understanding concept of "food?" 
feelng like THEIR daemon might be that big taurus thing. 
cake's girl is younger, not nervous. not rebellious.
rupture's girl only comes out with the intent to binge and purge.

weirdly, that vitamin-eater person (those two? blue and brown: concept and carry-out) are more concerned with eating MEDICINE than food???? always looking for vitamins, pills, mints, etc. health panic obsessed. subtype of lotophagoi???

(Is Hoban still around? her vibe was always vague, she was kind of defined secondhand. feel her out and see if her anchor is split or wrong or if she's fading or splitting herself.)


Another huge thought:
So many of us are HUGELY CONTEXT-LOCKED.
We noticed this today, wondering why the heck NO ONE gets triggered out in the kitchen anymore? Why it's so hard to find Jason and Juniper and Taureia and anyone? 
It's because the ENVIRONMENT CHANGED.
The fairy lights don't trigger anyone. The stove light DOES. It's a trauma flashbacker. So are those little string lights over the stove, due to past association. And, total darkness triggers out a totally different bunch!
Similarly, sitting at the table to eat triggers out certain people, whereas eating in the kitchen triggers out others, and eating on the floor triggers out still others. The couch is by FAR the safest place, and the kitchen itself is utter terror by default. No eating in there ever, please-- ideally, at least, because we tend to stress-blackout in there and then trauma loops happen. That is the most terrible part of PTSD and we need to plan for it better.
We are SO HYPERSPECIFIC this is not surprising but we still somehow completely missed it.
MAKE A LIST OF THIS STUFF so we can use it to our healing advantage!!!



ORANGE IS CORRUPTED
laurie asking for data on bathroom convo, lynne snidely saying she "should know"; laurie turned and called her out on this, she BLUESCREENED???? froze. everything stuck for a second then laurie got warped to GRAYSPACE???? lynne there, floaty, disoriented? said that wasn't her, she wasn't angry. asked what was going on.
corrupted orange is ANGRY. feeling of jovial dude in a bar who suddenly snaps. fiery, but energetic. NOT the apocalyptic burn of red anger. orange has motion behind it, and voice. red is quiet and violent. orange is angry and pushy? energized? can't find a word. armed? no, that's vermilion. orange isn't a "life threatening fear" response. it's more of a panic scare. the closer you get to yellow, the tighter the nerves get. yellow anger is shrieking screaming wildcat anger. someone "yell"-ing at you, all electric sharp. but no attacking! yellow anger might shove or slap you but that's all. orange anger will push you around, all heavy weight but animated. vermilion anger will throw a punch, a hard blow and colder fire behind it, not much talk. red anger will wordlessly bury a knife in your chest on a dime. WAIT. NO. THAT'S BLOOD. it's darker!! RED anger, javier's color, is INTEGROUS. dude that shows that there are "benevolent and malevolent" sides of color angers! corrupted Red anger is... nothing. there's nothing. if it's pure Red, it's PURE. it;s angry because it SHOULD be. it demands you clean up your act, and tells you how. it feels like a city skyline, like an activist. it knows what it's talking about. active and informed. dark red, blood anger... that ISNT INHERENTLY CORRUPT. that's the sort of anger that will call you out on what you did wrong, but in a pointed way. it stabs right to the heart of the issue. but it won't attack you. no good anger will. gosh this is SO IMPORTANT.
so. corrupted orange is arrogant but not proud? no, not arrogant. corrupted YELLOW is more like that? actually, corrupted AMBER is haughty and proud. like a lion. puffed up, like a prince. amber is a luxurious color so it makes sense. yellow is brighter, the brightest, so corrupted yellow is less warm and more sharp? conceited? but not acrid, that's chartreuse. acid is green hued. yellow is manic almost? condemning? high strung. 
anyhow. orange. corrupted orange is the "i'm being a nice guy!" but he's really being threatening. that's orange. could easily lean vermilion, but orange is less malevolent. not as dark. orange is closer to the self-absorption of amber, but it's still directed outwards. orange is healthily sociable, so corrupted orange takes that and twists it? it's hard to put into words. but yeah. lynne, when damaged by it, gets a very biting sense of bad humor, gets rather "smart"? ALWAYS making jokes at the expense of others. that's the main thing. humor as a mask for straight-up trash talk.


we TRIED to ping Karissa when at the mirror and we got NOTHING. that was scary for a second. HOWEVER! then we realized that we were pinging the WRONG LEVEL???? APPARENTLY THIS IS A THING?
we had to ping her in a VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT. midspace = dreamspace analogous i think. karissa is NOT PINGABLE UPSTAIRS. but imagine the old pennsylvania bedroom, and she is IMMEDIATELY there and fiercely alive.
karissa is a DOWNSTAIRS PROTECTOR, fighting off the weirdest threat we could have imagined-- ghosters. as in, childhood psychosis attackers. legit seeing demons and devils in the room, "sensing" evil, etc. we still get that when we're really unstable. like when we redid that bedroom to put up that desk, which is what triggered her birth in the first place. so she exists for that. 
and that is a VITALLY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFO: there are MANY nousfoni in this system with hyperspecific but vital jobs that don't happen often, and so they run a risk of DYING if they don't get to live, so to speak. THEREFORE WE HAVE TO UTILIZE "HOLOSPACE" AND/OR DREAMSPACE TO LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS ON THE INSIDE, if outside instigation of those jobs would be lethal or otherwise majorly harmful. like tonight. however sometimes that's required. we couldn't possibly imagine or emulate this night inside. but it had to happen. it's too organic. life is too organic. but yeah, sometimes we Can do the inside boost and when we can we NEED TO. so keep a note of that.
in any case, this would bolster the inter-level communication we are desperately working towards. socials who have no comprehension of "inside," or even the ability to comprehend it, could LEARN it by being brought into emulated "outside situations" that are really happening inside, and then eased out of it OR letting inside folks enter those spaces to meet them. THAT'S HOW WE USED TO WORK AND I DON'T KNOW WHY WE STOPPED? maybe just daily life terror overload, forcing us to stay in survival/ social mode more often. but hey, that's the stuff we're fixing now that we're safe!
but it has to surface first. only then can you remove it. it's scary, of course, but what's even scarier is letting that shit go unseen and rotting on the inside. it's like cancer. 

...
our body is actually hungry again and we hate this because we have no appetite. the thought of eating makes us nauseous. we have no desire to do so, at all. especially not at this hour.
OH i forgot to mention earlier. with big dinner triggers and the destroyer.
certain foods are SUCH TRAUMA TRIGGERS that the destroyer exists to GET RID OF THEM. it's awful but it is true. we Want to be able to leave them untouched, because they're NOT OURS, but that very concept is still alien to our brain. god knows why. our poor brain sees a trigger food and thinks immediately "i must get rid of it" because it's that shaken up by seeing it. immediate flashbacks, immediate sensory rewind. time lapses, time slides. it's horrible that something as ridiculously simple as a canned item can knock you totally off kilter and into abused-kid mentality. 
there's a lot tangled up in that, especially methods-- some kids destroy food outright, some throw it out, some eat it, some eat and purge, etc. all of them acting those ways based on the situations they had to survive in previously. all of them desperately scared and lost and confused and not know where or when they are, let alone what the hell they're doing. they all dissociate so hard because they're so scared. but they're reachable, now. they're opening up and realizing that, now. they're healing and being brave and trying and feeling even if they're fucking terrified. not so in september, good god now THAT was hell. lord. but that's over, forever. a lapse is just a stumble, due to overwhelm. it happens, mental illness is hellish in and of itself. but we get back up and keep walking. a slip isn't a rewind. we're here now, with our progress and understanding under our belt, and we use that to leap forwards even farther when we're pulled back.
nights like this are slingshots. 
but yeah. we feel awful, AWFUL, because trigger foods are cheap! starving kids eat on pennies and go to food drives and when you're Still grappling with finances that stuff ends up back in the apartment and then you don't know what fucking year it is or what state you're in or what your name is or whether or not you're going to die, metaphorically only i hope! it fucking SUCKS because these beloved kids that we love so damn much it HURTS eat and enjoy these foods no problem, and God we WANT to just let them LIVE, let them be free and untraumatized, but god we're so damned fucking hurt that we struggle. we hate it. we feel like such a burden. we ARE a burden. that's the truth, with this. we're a difficulty, a monkey wrench, an unexpected trial. a frustration. and it's true. and it's unfair to them. and we're sorry. but we can't apologize and keep fucking the hell up. we need to try a hell of a lot fucking harder.
we KNOW that shit makes us sick so WHY do we still et that shit???
because that knowledge doesn't register for them. their minds are so damaged, we still haven't fully felt out Why they can't comprehend that sort of self-care data.
...maybe that's why. maybe self-care is alien to someone who lives in a trauma flashback.
...maybe.

but yeah. i want to list the trigger foods but someone says "no, don't clutter up this entry" and she's brown and angry? not choco's jess, maybe the "don't read" one from before? she's way up, almost floating voice space? but she's all about "social performance" and approval, and "clogging up this entry" is judged by her to be "inappropriate" somehow? like "it's not proper" but THAT pings someone ELSE. someone religious feeling? fears of not being totally nice and proper and a "good girl." maybe tilly. hm!
but no i think we should list them or we will forget to. i know it's scary but we have to! we'll do it together ok

- canned beans. all we had to eat for a while in pa. make our stomach so so sick. also heavy weight food, immediate trauma flashback trigger. yes heavy foods feel like the rape triggers. can i say that? "julie days." but that's unfair she didn't do it. she says she wasn't herself once. oh ok. i'm sorry julie. she says it's ok, it's the truth. so no beans
- canned food in general. again, that's ALL we had at the house most days, in pennsylvania. just shelves full of old expired rusty banged-up cans. the same things over and over and over, day after day, eaten at night under buzzing yellow lights, or hidden in the cellar. every one of those foods is a trigger:
canned corn, canned soup, spaghettios, ravioli, cranberry sauce, canned carrots (taste is a HUGE trigger), etc.
there are also BAD MEMORIES tied to ALL of those which we cannot look at rght now we start shaking. they're triggering young kids like me!! we don't know them though? are they new? are they all new? no they're old. we've just never seen them before. they've been asleep for a long time because no one's woken them up. but we just did! we looke for them and they're awake now. and they're probably really scared and don't know where they are but we'll protect them. we can be their friends. we'll keep them safe now. 
but the immediate fear is exactly what we're typing about. "how can we be safe now if those unsafe things are STILL THERE." no differentiation between thing and associated event. they are one and the same to a trauma survivor. at least, to us. to those hurt nousfoni, scared and shaking, the very sight of a can of soup throws them right back into the situation they wanted to die to get out of. their brain was shaken to the core and it keeps getting yanked back. so we struggle.
it's not fair. we wonder, daily, if we should find somewhere else to go, if we should leave, but we DONT WANT TO. we love it here, we love the people, we want to STAY, we want to heal so we CAN stay. our feelings of "we don't belong" and "maybe we should just go" are NOT OUR REAL MOTIVES. they are the "safe, acceptable" way of saying "i am so fucking sorry we are making your lives difficult; we are drowning in love-rooted guilt and regret and we don't want to hurt you anymore, but we don't know how to stop yet. we're still healing. but we cannot put you through this messy process anymore. THAT is making us feel like we don't belong-- we are disturbing the peace, we aren't fitting in with you both yet, into that harmony. our own actions are alienating us, our own shame and guilt are isolating us. THAT is what doesn't belong but right now we are identifying with it, for better or for worse, from how horribly strong it is. and we don't want to leave, we love you so much, but again we feel so DIRTY and disgusting and (there's axis) foolish and embarrassing, that we feel so unworthy TO stay. we're afraid of hurting you, of you beginning to hate us or be frustrated with our presence, we are so scared of you both expecting the worst of us. so we would rather leave than see these relationships rot by our hand. by our fungal touch.
axis just GLARED at me for that i have never seen him angry i'm sorry.
his reply isn't translating well
effectively: "don't be sorry" in the "you're not being blamed or condemned" sense. the strong powerful insistence of "you will not rot anything by touch. fungus is life out of death" and "rot is decomposition" with a spindly mushroomed finger pointing at this absolute artistically tangled web of data, of feeling, "decomposition is breaking down into simpler things," into essential elements, "if anything rots it is simply beginning again from a simpler state" or something? taphos. taphonomy. "decomposition begins at the moment of death." heart-deep feelings about this topic. if it's not working, why not let it die? if it is a fatal illness, a fatal wound, a mortal injury, why not let it fall embraced (back) into the arms of death? why not let death breathe life into it again? god okay that's what we're doing. chocoloco's girl is responding to this??? not as her heart, no. but as a sister to the other one. where is chocoloco. what do you have to say
"decay is not my topic" he says. "it is his. let him speak"
what is your topic though
sorry 
axis keep talking.
a slight smile, smirk, "what more do you need me to say?"
anything everything anything you want
"i want you to feel what i said and what you know it means" "tell me"
what you meant
"what your heart heard."
well
if we're bungling up this relationship (allegedly) with our mistakes, with-- oh
with our own process of decay
the nigredo
THAT'S infi
that's even more important
what am i doing with the spacebar i'm sorry
hey i don't have a name yet
hey i'm not simeon! i'm a girl, no, i use she pronouns, maybe?
i'm not a boy. leaning the other direction
sorry slipping bye
no not yet he says
finish.
okay.
if we are afraid of rotting this relatioship by touching it we are projecting the wrong sentinemt onto our fear. if it rots it means that it died which means that it had reached a point where it could not continue healthily. so death is merciful and progressive and otivated by hope, by love and hope. now it decays, now it rots back into the world, now it feeds the insects (what about our insects what about them) i'm thinking too much
simple he says, simple. what is the essence of it
if it dies it was unhealthy. if it rots then 
rot it just the process of recycling
a dead body, a dead thing feeds other alive things, feeds new things
a dead thing will seem to stop life around it for a bit but in time it will bloom greater than ever
in short, 
we're not going to kill anything
fungus is good
he smiled at me.
and? 
IS it rotting?
how can i tell.
look, he says. 
but there's more to that "look"
he means,
there's always rot. there's always death. it means things are growing. it means things are changing. it means what doesn't work anymore is passing away and reworking itself into other things that do.
am i thinking too much
you're trying too hard to encapsulate it in language, he says. speak simply, speak from your heart. you will not rot in whole unless it stops beating. and it will not. he says.
tiny deaths happen all the time. fungus grows on your bones. but you are alive, we are alive, i am alive
i am sorry i hurt people
then let it rot, he says. let it rot.


where were we oh my goodness
trigger foods! a list.
NOW the rabbit speaks up
"chocolate" he says, and points ominously, authoritatively. not menacing, just gravity
"write it down."

- chocolate. in all its forms? (look at the data. yes.) oldest trigger food in the book. tied to sexual trauma, femininity fears, bad memories, massive health scares and pain. but touted constantly as a "comfort food," as an aphrodisiac, as something sacred, as a celebratory food, as a staple part of christmas and easter and valentines day. it was something we could not ever avoid, something added to things to make them more palatable, more enjoyable, but we couldn't eat it. it was everywhere, stores dedicated to it, grand gestures surrounded by it, given as gifts, expected to be received. people react with shock when you say you don't like chocolate. alienation, bizarrely. but it happens. it has. it does. we feel guilty, rejected, isolated, unwanted, unloved, all over again. "chocolate brings people together" just like awful family dinners and shit (please don't swear) (sorry i'm just angry too and hurting) but yes chocolate is something we could not have safely. no. we tried so many times. we love it as it is. but our body cannot have it. we love it but we don't like it? is that true or possible?
YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE, he says. SOMEONE DOES. 
a pause, a breakdown of coherence upstairs
THIS TOPIC IS TOO TANGLED, he says, looking up. IT WILL HAVE TO BE UNTANGLED BEFORE IT CAN BE DISCUSSED. I AM BEING SILENCED, WHICH MEANS THERE IS GREAT FEAR HERE. GOOD. THAT IS A SIGNPOST FOR GREAT (???) (translating as growth, realization, progress, understanding, etc. good things. all from fear? i guess that's what daemons are/ are for/ are about/ are from)

other trigger foods
- WHITE FLOUR and all that goes with it. cake,
(what about her?????? no one has EVER thought about her i wonder if we can learn more about her now with what happened tonight? i hope so)
NOT NOW. SHE IS TOO IMPORTANT TO TREAT (flippantly/ nonchalantly/ casually/ in passing/ without enough attention/ as a study topic and not a person/ lightly). ALL OF US ARE. ALL OF YOU ARE. FOCUS.
white bread, crackers, cookies, etc. again, a staple food. something we were forced to eat a lot. something given as gifts, again. birthday and wedding cakes. christmas and easter cookies. sandwiches. party foods. god you SEE why this is a struggle for us??? our body CANNOT DO THESE THINGS WITHOUT GETTING SICK
is it because of the trauma or did it result from the trauma?
which came first, the chicken or the egg
god only knows.
don't worry about that right now we're tired. we can't give it enough attention right now. make the list

- dairy products. HUGE femininity fear trigger. sexual. makes us feel super dirty, infantile. infantilization is one of the biggest sexual trauma triggers possible. we've never written about that. add it to the list
also we are lactose intolerant so we absolutely cannot have it anyway our stomach CANNOT digest it that is a PHYSIOLOGICAL FACT.

- canned tuna. WARM especially. very thought makes us shake, want to vomit.
- NOODLES. sexual fear + trauma memories + trypophobia remnants
- HOT DOGS, especially with beans. MASSIVE immediate screaming runaway trauma response
- red sauce. realized at upmc big time. always was tough-- our stomach Hates tomato sauce, it causes SEVERE PAIN but when in treatment we realized it was also a BIG TRAUMA TRIGGER. iscah could do it, she didn't know. didn't experience. but her beloved jessie knew. and those of Us who experienced similar things also knew. and we had that suddenly revealed, something we were hiding from, running from, so now it is a double danger
- lunchmeat. family terror, blackout response, leave it at that
- nut butters
- klondike bars
- energy bars in general, esp. oily ones. AND GRANOLA. BAD BAD BAD and FRIGHTENING. please don't eat it
- grains in general, cooked ones, especially OATS and QUINOA. sad because oats are also ALLEGEDLY a good memory food, but no. only a hoped association. they are primarily tied to VERY VERY TRAUMATIC INCIDENTS and also salt lake city so please pleaseplease do not eat them. someone really really wants them though, but when they try the terror is immediate and choking. not safe yet i'm sorry. maybe get iscah to help, she ate it all the time at upmc. we'll see we'll figure that out later
- CEREAL. the original trigger food. aftertaste is literal hell. flashbacks and panic for as long as it lasts. cereal is 1000% NEVER BUY and we are so so fucking sorry we're scared of having it in the house. 
god we are so goddamned broken
wht do we do?
TELL THEM. WORK WITH THEM. KEEP YOURSELF SAFE. BUT RESPECT THEM TOO.

they're saying it's super late? super early?
6:20 am oh!! the arrows will be home soon!
good i want tomeet them!
i don't know if we know how yet? we only ever type.
but we can figure out how!!
ok! we'll ask infi to show us how.


this is the autopilot. i am smiling. i think i have more of a soul than i ever thought, still.
i feel like the toy soldier, perhaps.
i must thank javier. thank you.

closing this up

all of you are very brave and i am proud of you
i may not feel that but i know it is true.

sleep well today. take care of us. we love you. we love each other


this is proof

(a.p.)