092824

[prismaticbleed]

✳ DOES THE "SYSTEM VS FAMILY" "WHO I "AM"" CONFLICT PLAY INTO THE "SLAVE" ISSUE?? Because let's be honest: we've been a System for AT LEAST 21 YEARS. IT DOESN'T EVER "GO AWAY." I CANNOT "TURN IT OFF" AND I DON'T WANT TO, EVER. I LOVE THEM. ...But I love my family, too, and they don't accept US. ... It's devastating. And it therefore "FORCES" US TO DISSOCIATE FROM OUR OWN SOUL & SELF IN ORDER TO "PLAY THE FAMILY ROLE" THAT HAS BEEN ASSIGNED TO "ME." And that IS a form of "SLAVERY," because I CANNOT BE MYSELVES & THEREFORE I CANNOT BE "MY OWN PERSON(S)." AND, if "I" STAY IN THIS MINDSET when I AM away from the house/ family-- when I "SHOULD" be independent but am STILL "ENSLAVED" TO THE FAMILY DYNAMIC AS A "STANDING ORDER"/ INESCAPABLE ROLE-- then I CANNOT MAKE "MY OWN DECISIONS" OR "BE MY OWN PERSON" BECAUSE THAT "SINGLET" MINDSET I'M FORCED INTO ISN'T "ME," BECAUSE WE ARE US. AND INVARIABLY, in EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE, LIVING AS A SYSTEM, DEVOTED TO GOD, SOLVES &/OR HEALS EVERY PROBLEM in the end. WE CAN FUNCTION. WE CAN CHOOSE. WE CAN BE FULLY ALIVE & LOVING & FREE TO DO THE RIGHT THING WHEN WE ALL DO IT TOGETHER, BY GRACE. ...and we can't seem to act with ANY integrity when we're "NOT" "we." And... I wish we could explain this to the family. Maybe all we can do is just... BE US around them REGARDLESS, & deal with the unexpected as it comes. But IF WE WANT TO FACE & INTEGRATE & ACCEPT & ADMIT & HEAL OUR PAST, IN THAT HOUSE, WITH THAT FAMILY, WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO SO AS A SYSTEM, BECAUSE WE ALL LIVED THAT TOGETHER. "I" DIDN'T. WE ARE THE WHOLE OF OUR HEART.

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✳ ANOREXIC "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR WAY! DON'T HURT ME!" vs. BULIMIC CONFLICT "I'M NOT SORRY, I HAVE A RIGHT TO TAKE UP SPACE, I WILL DEFEND/ FIGHT BACK" VACILLATION (BINGE/ PURGE) DUE TO GUILT/ SHAME OVER WANTING TO EAT/ BE FED/ ENJOY LIFE/ TAKE UP SPACE/ MATTER
✳ ↑ BINGE RISK "REFEEDING" RAVENOUS HUNGER after a LIFE OF LACK; FEAR OF FAMINE after FINALLY "FEASTING"
✳ EMOTIONAL/ SPIRITUAL STARVATION IS THE ROOT OF ALL OF IT = +BEING "FED POISON"
✳ ↑ START TO ASSOCIATE FOOD WITH POISON (LOVE WITH ABUSE & TRAUMA); PURGE RESPONSE TO SURVIVE; UNABLE TO PROPERLY FEED SELF = FEAR = NO COMMUNION = NO EXPERIENCE OF REAL NOURISHMENT = MANIC "TRY EVERYTHING" SEEKING SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT? (SEEKING ALL BEAUTY?) "CAN'T SAY NO" TO FOOD = "ALL OR NOTHING" FEAR OF HUNGER (SPIRITUAL) BY OWN "CHOICE"; DOOMED? "MISSING OUT" ON KNOWLEDGE; TERRIFYING = WHY? "UNKNOWN" = NO "LOVE"? "HIDING" = NO TRUST = NO RELATIONSHIP/ COMMUNION; SECONDHAND PARTICIPATION IN GLOBAL/ COLLECTIVE HUMAN EXPERIENCE = DESPERATE FOR INCLUSION (KNOWLEDGE) = SEEKING INTIMACY/ BEING WANTED? (ONLY REFUSE WHEN FORCED/ STUFFED = ABUSIVE) (PURGE)
✳ THIS plays into "taking food" WHEREVER I go: I "CAN'T STAY"/ I'm "NOT WELCOME/ WANTED"; I'm just a passing visitor. And I TAKE in order to FEEL LIKE I'm being GIVEN it AS a "friend/ loved one"? So that I "FEEL" WELCOME enough TO "SHARE THEIR MEALS"/ "EAT WHAT THEY EAT"/ SHARE IN THEIR LIFE.
✳ BUT the OTHER half is the "POVERTY" mindset/ "SCAVENGER" IMPULSE. "THE ONLY FOOD I HAVE ANY "RIGHT" TO IS WHATEVER I CAN "FIND"/ WHAT OTHERS "DON'T WANT"/ "CAN SPARE"/ "DESERVE BETTER THAN"/ "SHOULDN'T BE EATING"/ "WON'T MISS"??? PLUS THE "SEEKING COMMUNION WITH THEM AS PEOPLE THROUGH SHARING THEIR FOOD." BUT "I DON'T GET TO/ DESERVE TO HAVE THOSE CONNECTIONS"??? "I'M UNWANTED/ UNDESIRABLE/ GROSS/ UGLY/ BAD/ EVIL/ ETC." SO I "HAVE TO TAKE" TO EAT AT ALL"??? "NO ONE WILL GIVE ME ANYTHING BUT POISON"??? OR "GIVING" DOESN'T OCCUR BUT FORCING DOES?? NOT "LET'S SHARE THIS BECAUSE I (LOVE &) WANT YOU IN MY LIFE (TOO)", BUT RATHER "YOU EAT THIS WITH ME BECAUSE YOU MUST CONFORM TO ME" WITH NO SELF-GIFT IN THE PROCESS. I am "OWNED." It's like swallowing a parasite, although I feel like one, desperate to live IN another's life & SHARE it, but TOXICALLY DEPENDENT/ NEEDY & UNWILLINGLY STEALING THEIR LIFE/ EATING THEM (DESTROY) IN THE PROCESS??

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✳ After reading that "dysfunctional family roles" worksheet, I think THAT is a BIG PART of WHY I "am NOT ALLOWED to be someone OTHER THAN who I was IN THE PAST"? AND why I STILL feel BOUND TO the family AS A UNIT. Like I CAN'T leave it even if I wanted to, in the sense of "MY IDENTITY is DICTATED BY WHO I MUST BE IN THE FAMILY CONTEXT, DEPENDENT ON THE OTHER MEMBERS' ROLES"!! That's why I keep asking THEM "what THEY want me to do/ WHO THEY "NEED" ME TO BE." Am I afraid that if I "OWN" & REMEMBER my past AS MINE, I will "HAVE TO" STILL BE THAT PERSON? WHY? Is it just "STANDING ORDERS"?
✳ LYNNE holds the "violinist" order, FREE of competition/ perfectionism/ obligation.
✳ SHERILYN holds the "surrogate mom" role? (CNC) "Warmth" that mom DIDN'T give us
✳ There are a LOT of "memory bubbles" that NEED a foni to "integrate" them, such as =
● KNOEBELS/ AMUSEMENT PARKS; need a PAIR of kids = one ENJOYS, one AFRAID? (to COMFORT)
● "ON FILM" kid; HAPPY to be on camera, acting FOR MOM; "STORY OF FAMILY?" (difficult as we have NO FIRST-PERSON MEMORIES of being on camera other than FEAR FLASHBULBS)
● "DRESSUP" girl? Pageants & photos & such. DANCE too, or SEPARATE? (would we need a kid to hold the ACTUAL TERROR of these events, or a POSITIVE one to "REWRITE OUR EXPERIENCE" to HEAL it?? 
● WHO IS THE ACTUAL PIANIST (esp. LESSONS)? (PERFORM VS. COMPOSE)
● Mom brought up "cheerleading" but that was LITERALLY just an attempt to get close to AAA
● NO memory of Girl/ Boy Scounts OR the trips they took? (ONLY the "Pokemon Pearl bus ride")
✳ "BLOODLINE" INSTABILITY in HS ('03-'08)?? WHO EXACTLY WAS DRIVING, ESP. WITH FAMILY? WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY OFFLINE DURING THAT TIME, EXCEPT FOR SOME HS MEMORIES WITH GENESIS!! (who is ESSENTIAL to this in terms of recall; HE KEPT OUR TRUE SELF CONSCIOUS & STABLE IN PUBLIC!!!)
✳ ↑ Our unsettling "HATRED" towards HS-era somafoni(?) is actually "SNAPSHOTTED" IN THE ARCHIVES, ESP. THE SHIFT FROM dA/LJ to IJ/SCR/XA??? The "HATE" is HELD BY SOMEONE who ONLY "FEELS" that in a "PROTECTIVE" WAY?? She RECOGNIZES SOMETHING FALSE/ HARMFUL/ SHALLOW/ PROUD/ DETESTABLE IN those "girls" the mother "keeps referring to"?? And she (the foni) WANTS TO "DISOWN/ DESTROY" THOSE/ THAT PART(S) OF OUR HISTORY/ SELF(VES) TO PROTECT OUR "NOW"/ FUTURE FROM THEIR CORRUPTIVE/ POISONOUS INFLUENCE??? LIKE THEY'RE BLOOD INFECTIONS. Ironically this means we MUST SPECIFICALLY DISCERN WHY/ HOW SO WE CAN PROPERLY FACE THIS & RESOLVE IT & HEAL OUR WHOLE HEART-- and MAYBE THEM, TOO. Julie is THE beacon of hope in this. If SHE was (IS) healed, ANY & ALL FONI CAN, TOO.
✳ BIG question. WHO HOLD THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ROLES? WHY DO WE STILL FEEL COMPELLED TO BE A CHILD AROUND MOM?? What's the "MOTIVE"??
✳ HOW DO WE LIVE "FOR OURSELF" AND "FOR OTHERS" AS A CATHOLIC?? CAN we rightly hope that what is OBJECTIVELY (GOD'S LAWS) GOOD FOR US IS GOOD FOR OTHERS, even if that "good" is something "PERSONAL" like EATING & REST & SELFCARE? (A: it's TEMPLE UPKEEP, Good RADIATES, & ALL your life affects the WORLD!)

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Continuing from 0922... SUGAR gives you a "BODY RUSH" that feels like a PANIC RESPONSE IN EXPECTATION OF TRAUMA. It ALSO makes our HEAD/ BRAIN "HIGH," which feels TERRIFYING because WE CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT OR FOCUS, AND THE "HIGH" TRIGGERS AN "ANALOGOUS" MANIC RESPONSE, which-- when our REASON is simultaneously COMPROMISED-- IS THE "PERFECT STORM" FOR BEING HACKED &/OR HIJACKED. ...and that is EXACTLY what used to happen. THE KAKOFONI WOULD SPECIFICALLY & MALICIOUSLY USE/ TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SUGAR SIDE EFFECTS IN ORDER TO CONTROL OUR MIND & BODY IN SUCH A WEAKENED STATE. So, we quickly considered ALL "sweet foods" to be FROM HELL. "Sweet" became synonymous with "EVIL." ...That has tragic psychological consequences in the long run, NOTABLY the belief that "enjoyable" things (ESP. FOOD, which is DEVASTATING to our understanding of FEASTING & CELEBRATION & simple AFFECTION & CARE) are "INHERENTLY DEMONIC," because they historically resulted in our "BEING POSSESSED" by abusive foni, basically INVARIABLY. ...I don't know when or how this began to change because actually I suspect it DIDN'T, not on any real level, UNTIL NOW. This inpatient environment is OBJECTIVELY HACKERPROOF, and WE CAN FUNCTION AS A SYSTEM HERE. So, suddenly, we are being GIVEN sweet foods by a TRUSTWORTHY, NONABUSIVE, "INDIRECT" AUTHORITY-- allowing us to credit it DIRECTLY TO GOD-- and we are ABLE to READILY & GRATEFULLY ACCEPT them AND EAT THEM WITHOUT FEAR. ...except, I realize with shock, there's NO "DATA" BEING STORED FOR THEM YET? Only blurry general flashes. But it's still progress! Now that we're AWARE of this, we can ENLIST/ SEEK LOTOPHAGOI FOR those foods, TO HOLD DATA! Tomorrow is WAFFLES & SYRUP, we have ICE CREAM & POUND CAKE & an OATMEAL CREME COOKIE coming up as desserts, a BANANA on Monday, & unknown possibilities for snack-- but the point is, ALL of these foods "deep down" STILL ping a major FEAR/ APPREHENSION response, BECAUSE THEY'RE SWEET. Still, it's SO MUCH LESS SCARY that it was years ago. AND, once we get the LOTOPHAGOI involved, that fear WILL be conquered BY LOVE. So THAT'S our goal, ideally. ...But, even now, we CAN & by God's grace we WILL still eat those sweet things TOGETHER. The very idea of that cookie is lowkey terrifying, but WHY? Because it's tied to SOME scary experience in OUR history, and therefore if WE face it & LISTEN/ LOOK for a responding memory & chronological foni, IT CAN BEGIN TO BE HEALED/ TRANSFORMED into REAL SWEETNESS = JOY/ LOVE BECAUSE NOW IT'S BEING BROUGHT "ANEW" INTO OUR EXPERIENCE, with GOOD motives in SAFE circumstances, THANKS BE TO GOD. And that's what we'll start doing at breakfast tomorrow, as we work together to TRULY experience & appreciate sweetness.
✳ WE HAVE TO REPLACE "FEARFUL" FOOD DATA LOG EVENTS WITH "GRATEFUL/ JOYFUL" ONES, SO EAT THEM MINDFULLY!!