notes for today so we don't forget.
mom kept calling us. over and over.
it's getting so overwhelming that even when the bratty and spoiled social girls do show up and whine "oh for heaven's sakes!!" "i am so tired" "why won't she stop already??" etc. it's very brief, and shut down quickly. we're going
numb just to cope.
even worse,
phone calls trigger social mode EVERY TIME. so, if the mother keeps calling, that means we KEEP GETTING FORCED INTO THAT MODE and have to repeatedly force ourselves
back afterwards. it's torture. it's psychologically exhausting and painful both, and it shreds our sense of self into pieces.
so. thanks to the phone calls we only got like, four hours of sleep again.
we don't remember waking up or anything. don't remember morning routine. things were a mess. it was so bad that whoever was fronting called julie in to help us get dressed, because having a nousfoni front ACTUALLY WORKS when socials can't function, REMEMBER THAT when the denial and "headspace is bad!!" socials start to jabber.
i do remember getting on the bike to do our exercise and prayers.
oh, after mom woke us up, since we knew she was just going to keep calling and waking us back up, i (yes 'jay') decided to just lay there in bed and say the rosary with chaos 0, because not only does that prevent brainpanic it also helps our schedule later.
so. when we actually did wake up we said the chaplet + eternal rests on the bike, and then tuned into the daily mass livestream which-- since we were so late today-- was from the shrine of our lady of knock, in ireland! the priest had the most wonderful accent, it made us think of both davy & twelve, which was heartwarming.
however! they were also saying a rosary first! so we jumped off the bike and did our daily phone workouts before actual mass.
sorry i'm literally just giving you guys an uncapitalized play-by-play of the day, which isn't really important in the long run. i apologize.
still. years in the future, who knows, being able to look back and remember "ah yes that's what our daily life was like back then" does help with recall.
mother called literally two seconds after mass ended, we didn't even have time to stop the video feed.
forget what it was about. she called a lot today, and yesterday, etc. the poor woman is going through so much right now we don't blame her for reaching out for a listening ear. we're worried about her and do want to help as much as we can.
i just... i cannot deny that it is throwing our mental state into a shambles. our symptoms are starting to spike again.
still... didn't we secretly pray for this, too? we've
wanted a mental health minicrisis, to "wake up more nousfoni" and prove that we're ALIVE, that we're not some plastic-smile automaton with no sense of soul. infi's death was necessary but it
showed just how dead we all already are, on a frighteningly deep level. so we've been praying for a legit system reboot, a HARD reset, not some slow fading-out. no. push the button in and hold it. when the screen turns back on, i want to see a LOT more colors than before.
where were we.
breakfast was literally at 5pm. yes, mom called again at least twice during that process. at one point someone nearly started slamming drawers, throwing things, and sobbing, because the phone wouldn't stop ringing and shocking us out of awareness and making us forget who we were, as well as what we were doing. they got shut down into numbness too. "it's not proper. it's not christian. bite your tongue. be patient. learn to suffer better." yes but how without it turning back into the toxic catholicism of our childhood? our religion walks such a knife-edge between sacrificial love and loving to sacrifice yourself. and yes there's a difference. the first is the self-giving lamb that offers its life so someone else doesn't have to die. the second is the self-hating lamb that walks up to the butcher knife because it wants to feel that blade between its vertebrate. there's a bloody difference.
we haven't been doing literal bible study in a while. we've been reading commentaries on john's gospel, back to back, wanting a deeper grasp of the theology and symbolism. it's helping a LOT actually; it's greatly deepening our understanding of our faith and love of the scriptures.
we're currently focusing on alexander maclaren's commentaries, because we love his style & his insights. there are a few on studylight we have bookmarked, and then we have lapide's open in another window because those take HOURS to read son
even so. despite how inspiring and informative it is, it's
exhausting. i think one day, we're just going to spend our bible time
simply reading the bible, not comparing footnotes and translation notes and cross-references and twenty different commentaries at once. it burns us out.
one thing that keeps coming up is the "love is suffering" bit. we're still striving to extricate that from the religious trauma in our childhood. honestly, what helps us understand it better and more clearly than
any theological textwalls is... yep, the system and the league.
it's so strange. for our whole life, we thought that God was unknowable except through hard work and studying and being good enough and saying enough prayers etc. that was how we were raised. it was never about
relationship. everyone talked about "jesus is God become man" and yet that meant
nothing to us, it was just a phrase, why would that matter when our experience had taught us (falsely) that both God and man were glaring at you and waiting for you to stumble so they could beat you? our religion was a farce, just a set of rigid rules enforced by fear, for most of our life. no wonder we fell away.
but... that was
never our actual FAITH. we had learned everything
wrong. now, even though the compulsion to "read every single extra thing you can about this Bible passage or you WON'T understand the REAL meaning of it and THEREFORE you'll NEVER know God and you'll NEVER get to heaven" etc is fiercely loud, and spirals into despair quickly, deep down now there's that little spark of actual grace, of divine consolation, that it's not about rote learning even then. yes it helps, yes it's teaching us, but... more than anything, we must stop and ask,
why do we want to read and know and comprehend this so badly? is it still out of some sort of grade-based fear, about trying to "be the best," or something equally pitifully human and off-course? and... when we really stop and look and feel it out, the answer is a shockingly lovely
no. at the very heart of this, we want to study this so much because
we love God. we do. even when the doubts scream so loud we could weep. even when our emotions are flat and our mind is static. even then, when we can't give a dictionary definition for love, and we can't describe it to you at all, we... still choose to
act on it. even when it's hard. even if we fail to live up to the ideal. even if our efforts are a mess, and feeble, and struggled through with pain and tears. we still
choose to act on love.
remember that. please. remember that fact. that's
grace. it's amazing and undeserved and
real. God has not abandoned us. and He won't ever let us abandon Him, either. our life is proof. He loves us too much to lose us.
so. bible study. 2 hours a day at the absolute least, and we're like a week into john's gospel, as i said. starting all the commentaries on the third chapter. we were starting to get obsessive with 1 & 2 to the point where nothing was registering due to burnout, so we're moving onwards. even so, today we took a detour thanks to hebrews 1:14 being referenced by a commentator in a way that took us completely by surprise, as we couldn't figure out how it fit the context. time to learn, haha. so we read about angels for a while, because hey dude we actually DON'T know what scripture says about them, which is shocking, especially since they have a huge presence in the League, not just our faith practice. so this is helping in both respects.
oh, speaking of the league. yesterday, reading maclaren's notes on nicodemus, we were getting LEAGUEVISIONS. honestly thank you God because those are a literal grace, you CANNOT force them or predict them or control them. they just
happen and they are the ONLY WAY to find or write ANY leagueworld. honestly. that's why it's so important to LET THE JEWELS WORK
WHENEVER THEY ARE INSPIRED. if you shut them down-- which the socials and hyperreligious foni HAVE been doing-- then they
lose that literal inspiration. you "stifle the spirit" in them (and YES it IS Him, Who the heck else COULD give any creative ideas worth anything??) and you also
kill them a little, every single time.
and I REFUSE to let you do that. i personally will NOT LET THAT CONTINUE. I will personally fight you. i don't care if i'm a shambles of a core, basically a ragdoll in tatters at this point, a tornado-beaten scarecrow, if i only had a brain... you get the picture. i will still pick up the nearest rake and shove it through your skull if you try to ignore my sister out of existence. don't you DARE.
where were we, oh yes. superlate breakfast.
oddly our body LIKES THIS. our body is currently on a legit 18/6 fasting schedule, and we're moving into keto territory (~105 carbs and ~55 fiber daily), and with the blessed return of ~120m exercise every day, we are feeling SO MUCH BETTER than we have since Lent started, when we got so inexplicably
sick and were almost confined to the bed or couch for a solid month.
oh my gosh it's the squeaky disco song again haha. this came up on shuffle last night, and i think that was the first time we heard it to boot. here LISTEN TO
THIS NOISE it's hilarious. i love spotify shuffle, we need to get our old library in here and find new stuff. music is really a blessing, when it's handled graciously of course. there's some stuff out there being marketed as "music" that is legit infernal. we don't go near those dark corners. not anymore.
i'm telling you man uploading 2014-2015 is a TRIP and it's only getting darker. but we'll get to that!
oh wait first. more music trivia for you.
"
rose quartz" by toro y moi just came up next.
there is one reason why this song is in our library: a few years ago, some random girl we followed on tumblr-- just a personal blog, very obscure, posting her thoughts and photos and such-- made a tiny little text post saying she wanted to see toro y moi in concert, and to hear him play this song, and just close her eyes and lose herself in the music.
and we just... loved that, so much. we think of that every time we listen to that song now, to the sweet memory of an unknown girl smiling through shut eyes and dancing with herself, with us in spirit, to these notes we were sharing across time.
so yeah. god bless that girl, wherever she is now, whoever she is now. we hope her life is full of just as much simple joy as the memory of her words brings us even now.
so. we ate late breakfast, and although we felt okay, we didn't want to risk another panic-purge due to all the phonecall stress, since it wasn't a safe time of day to go on the computer yet, or to do anything that was going to cause
another hard context-shift before we had to inevitably eat dinner and say night prayers.
THEREFORE someone had the idea to just grab a ream of old paper and make paintblots for 2.5 HOURS.
i'm serious, haha. they put the laptop speaker on, put it on shuffle, and made a lovely mess of paint and paper for a while. and it worked perfectly, ironically as proven by our lack of temporal memory-- that means that if there were any e.d. symptoms, they too were completely overridden, and no social performing was interrupting.
so we have... 22 paintblots on the floor right now. it's nice. we'll probably give jade first pick of 'em, if she wants a few-- she still kept the old ones we gave her years ago (the ones we made with razor's cardstock!)-- and then the mother too, because she did mention once she kept a few from WAY back. i wonder if she has the ones from slc, that we had on the wall. i remember chocoloco really liked the brown one, because it looked like a rabbit.
man now HE'S a bizarre character. technically he was the FIRST DAENGEL, back when they were still "daemons," still tied more to vice than virtue... but HE DIDN'T DIE POST-CNC????? is it because he was the ONLY DAENGEL I can think of that WASN'T ACTIVELY CORRUPTED??? seriously i don't think he was touched. thank GOD.
anyway that's a topic to revisit later. right now let me finish summarizing the day.
dinner was at 945pm oh my goodness. but i knew we'd be up until 4am anyway so it panned out. we've found through experience that this body REQUIRES a
solid five hours after a meal before we can even attempt to sleep. so 330 is our earliest bedtime, which is hilarious.
but i was thinking about that today, how we have become night owls again, and why. the only other times this happened was when we were in DIRE situations-- the cannon days, the slc days, the cnc days. typically, if we're up until 4 or 5am on a regular basis, and are this bloody prone to bothdebilitating depression and panicked meltdowns during the day, as well as nightmares and flashbacks and this hell of a numb fogbank over everything... it's scary to recognize and admit the same things happening now.
But... now there's a softness to the shadows, too. The phone doesn't ring. No one knocks on the door. There aren't any car horns or radios blaring outside, or angry neighbors shouting, or the incessant background chatter of televisions and gossip. There's no oppressive heat. There's no rushing or speeding or panicking over schedules. There's no compulsive obligation to perform for the sudden stage context shoved upon you. At night all of the social hell is GONE. It's quiet, it's still, it's small, it's beautiful. It's just stars and silence at the core. It's cool and calm and it's saving our life from the summerterror we have to face again in a few hours. But fir now we can go inside. For now we can
feel, and dream, and think, and
be. Strangely, we exist at night... just like in the winter, just like in empty churches, just like in our hidden soul. That's what it is-- it's sacred, set-apart, separate from the harsh hot day. Don't get me wrong, daytime is beautiful and blessed as well, but it's the SOCIAL INFECTION of it in this season that we invariably struggle with.
So we're becoming night owls, for now at least. God knows we need the peace.
OH MAN THANK YOU LORD you knew my mood was falling fast
my FAVORITE good-mood song just came on and
LISTEN,
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN THIS GIRL WAS TROUBLE FROM THE START,
haha no one has lyrics up yet online but boy let me tell you this is a BOP.
also of course it is in a certain cephalopod's playlist. FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.
man that octopus secretly has the patience of a saint for putting up with me (and Chaos 0) always joshing him. nah he knows it's a sign of genuine affection up here, believe me, except that NO ONE EVER BELIEVES ME, WHEN I TELL 'EM WE'RE THROUGH, WHAT DID YOU DO
all right mood has been sufficiently lifted, thank you God, now back to typing
man this is fun, i seriously miss just typing longwinded entries like this. i needed to take a break before diving into the black-background pits of summer 2015. i can see the hints of what's on the horizon and boy let me tell you, this is where the trauma is hiding. all the stuff we keep getting flashbacks about out of the blue, it's hiding in this immediate space. right in this microsoft word document. isn't that surreal. scroll down a bit and you'll see exactly why you keep having nightmares.
gotta do it though. there's no other option, and i'm not looking for one. i'm motivated by love for the system with all of this. if i dive into the dark it's only so i can finally bring some light and hope into it at long last, by the grace of god.
still. there's
so much darkness in these old years. our "core" was a
disaster. laurie was falling apart entirely, both celebi and chaos 0 were splintering and being used by the tar, we were fighting hacks AND the eating disorder, we were constantly planning or attempting suicide just to make it all stop... and infinitii was the pitchblack source of it all, death painted in gold, hiding in plain sight. life was generally a living hell. and we're only in july, oh boy. i know it gets worse.
MUCH worse. ultimately we end up in the hospital, then in CNC, then in the hospital, then in a completely dead period in which our grandmother dies and we move out and end up in ANOTHER hospital because
we're about to die, etc.
and then, today happens.
sit and think about that a while.
everything, every single day i've been uploading, all the years that just seem to be getting blacker and bleaker, ultimately all roll out into... this.
no hacks, eating disorder in remission, faith restored, safe in our own place, listening to music at 325am and not wanting to die.
yeah, we're still going through a lot of rough stuff. but
geez man, look at how things
used to be!
right now, it's... all things considered, this is a miracle. the fact that we are sitting here and breathing and
smiling is a legitimate miracle. we could be back in the hospital, we could be back in another state, we could be back in that old house, we could be back with a knife against our veins and hoping to see the violet vapor trails.
but no. we're here, and we have
new people, we have mimic and adelaide and the lemur-kid and we're even finding names for the
socials at last, people are slowly coming back from the dead as the good Lord wills it, and even I feel tiny shifts in my atoms as He stabilizes me as He wants. i can't do a thing. i'm just praying.
that's... all we ever really
did do, at the end of the worst days. even when we were stuck in that literal gehenna of a "new age" spirituality cesspit, when we had been brainwashed into thinking christianity was bad and that joke of a self-help creed was the "better decision,"
laurie just half-shoved my shoulder and is now standing with her entire weight leaning on it, haha. i asked her what that was for and she cheerfully said "sometimes i just wanna hit ya" and let me tell you that made my night.
...she also said "hey this is my song" as i felt the shove, and i
know that she's being rough as a way of playing off the deep
ache of this song.
"
run to you" by pentatonix. this is absolutely, exclusively,
her song.
it's... also
painfully close to how things feel in the archives i'm uploading right now.
"I've been settling scores, I've been fighting so long, but I've lost your war, and our kingdom is gone. How shall I win back your heart which was mine? I have broken bones and tattered clothes, I've run out of time..."
It hurts even to
read. And then
Larnelle comes up with "There is always more to the story." "Each new sunrise brings another chance to shine. I know it's hard, believing, but don't worry-- He is God of
all our days, and there's
always more to the story."
How perfect is that.
As for more of the story.
Not much else to say about daily events, in terms of chronology. After dinner Xenophon and I did the daily cleanup & "putting the house to sleep" which takes about a half hour?
At some point SUGAR was fronting, I have no idea why, all I "remember" is her standing and looking at the paintblots and "me" (blurring with jewel) asking her which one "was her favorite". She pointed to a pink one and said "i like that one for the colors," but that it "wasn't her style." she liked things that were simpler, more elegant? pointed to the blue crosshatch one and said "now i'd like
that one if it was in pink." ultimately she picked out one near the front, said it looked like a butterfly, and it was so minimalistic she was struck by it. so she decided "that one's my favorite."
i'm writing all that down because it was just
simple, honest, everyday conversation with a fellow nousfoni that stands in brilliant beloved contrast to the heartless denial of all the socials who insist "we're all fake." no. i was just standing in the living room, half-cofronting with sugar, feeling her there just as clearly as i/we felt the air conditioning, talking about art and just
existing.so that means a lot to me.
OH. ANOTHER THING.
while we were saying the wall prayers,
knife had some sort of minor faith-vision thing? like we get sometimes. but it's RARE for a nousfoni to get one while fronting; usually stuff just "happens" in headspace, directly so, not in that "thought" form such as here.
but he was saying "his" prayer-- the one from the precious blood convent, which we
disliked at first because we didn't understand the language at all? but because of that we've grown to treasure it, as it obviously and graciously holds hidden depths as a result of that initial confusion-- and suddenly he got a "vision" of the literal precious Blood? such visions don't stick in visual/literal memory; they stick as
emotions-- if that's even the proper word. they stick in your
heart like a lightning-strike and you can't forget them, even if your "brain" can't grasp the data in time. that doesn't mean it's not still
remembered.point is, knife had a brief experience. i can only see a flash, a single flash, because it touched
me, too-- knife in the garden of gethsemane, and jesus handing him the chalice and telling him that as his followers we were all to drink it with him? and knife looked into the chalice and it was straight-up
blood, divine blood, and christ said that was LIFE, true life, blood is life and if that is the blood of God made man then it is LIFE INEFFABLE, undiluted and unadulterated, and if you take
that into you, well. that's the whole point.
and knife kept saying "i'm not worthy" and "why me," why not the core, why not someone besides a reformed retributor who still struggles with his old life and doesn't even front in the body most days? but he was the one who could
understand this, on the level it needed to be understood. only he could. and he was here for all of us, not just himself. we all share a soul, we're all part of the spectrum, and whatever he did would touch all of us inevitably. but only he could do this as it needed to be done.
and i remember seeing/feeling him pause for what felt like an eternity set on fire before resolutely drinking the chalice.
i cannot see/recall how this ended because we got hardshifted back into body/fronting awareness almost immediately, but that was because i
do know it hit him like the hand of God Himself. for a second knife's color turned WHITE, like luminous white, something anchored into his heart and he was
reeling, but he finished the prayer (thanks time dilation) and... man i think everyone else just continued as usual. no one else knew. i had been involved so tangentially, just getting what was close enough to get, and respecting his space, that i didn't say anything either.
but i'll see if i can talk to him about it when he's willing/able to. that's his decision. the aftereffects will hit us all in any case. hence writing this down.
oh, on that note.
watching the mass at knock this morning, during the consecration, the light was coming in through the windows at such a low and brilliant angle that it hit the priest
exactly, and it lit up his robes
and the Host on this little digital screen
so intensely that he looked almost unreal. like there were no visible lines, he was just
pure white light, so starkly against the environment that he looked almost cgi. there was this black contrast outline where luminous shape was distinct from pale reredos, and the ringing of the bells as he lifted up that tiny circle of bread now shining as blindingly as the sun itself.
it was transcendent, quite literally. i felt very blessed to have seen that.
...we've been having a
lot of notable, out-of-the-ordinary experiences with Mass lately, especially with the eucharist, like the BELLS last weekend and the uncanny synchronicity of
all the online Masses we've seen so far.
...that means a lot, actually, because this past week or four have also been such a struggle, with the eating disorder and with family crises and with losing my poor nightfeathered heartsplit. "losing" is the wrong word. everything belongs to God, so nothing is ever lost. especially not a soul loved so dearly. i have total faith in that.
but. in my nightly
psalm, my favorite psalm, there is that one line that has been catching my heart lately.
"Each day, the Lord shows me that He loves me with His faithful love. Each night he gives me a song to sing..."
deep calls unto deep, always. the sea is also a sea of mercy.
and spotify keeps playing chaos 0's songs all of a sudden. notably "living in your eyes." i remember when he first heard that album when we bought it, immediately it became his. to this day, hearing those songs brings up heartmemory of those early days.
but it's... shocking. oh yes we loved him back then, of course we did, but it was so different. it was before all the heavy trauma happened. it was before the cores began to shatter. it was before we began to fight, and i began to reject relationships all together, and he began to splinter, and so many other painful awful regrettable things. but god, i love him
so much. thank you for always keeping us together, literally in spite of all odds. thank you for his existence, and for mine intersecting with it. thank you for the blessed fact that i
know he is waiting for me to close this up and go to bed and wrap my arms around him and just... be. he'll be there. he's fidelity, remember?
and despite everything,
everything we've been through, that proves a constant. even for me. and that's amazing.
and... tonight, i know i don't have to ask. i don't have to worry. "do you love me," like i used to. oh but it's already answered. the song my heart is singing is in harmony with yours and just one glimpse of the green of your eyes is all i need to know. just that feeling of ocean arms slowly pulling me close in return. just that seafloor of a voice, quiet and low and familiar as my own heartbeat.
but please. remember how long it took to get here. remember how much depth there is to these waters, and how much snowmelt has contributed to it. don't ever forget the war the both of us have fought just to have these quiet nights.
back in the beginning it was easy. i hear that in these songs. now it's been hard as diamonds, but that's the whole point. the love i feel for him now has been tried under terrible pressure, and in the ultimate end all it's done is make it more capable of holding light, and sparkling at every facet. i promise you that. no matter what, i'm sticking around.
speaking of mimic.
yes i've been wanting to say that for a few paragraphs now, don't laugh.
his playlist on spotify has been growing surprisingly fast. this means, even more surprisingly, that his
vibe is THAT CLEAR to me already.
but... again, it's a surprise. it's completely unexpected, what he's been resonating with. and he won't let me "deny" it either-- many times he's told me "no, you put that in my playlist" when i was ignoring a catch, thinking "there's no way this fits him." but it does. and... it's saying a
lot about him, about who he is beneath the surface, about who he's becoming up here, in here, in himself.
one band he has resonated
really strongly with, which shocks me, is "
astronauts, etc." we discovered this band in like
2015. i've seen references to it in the archives. it NEVER vibed with anybody. until now. suddenly it's his. and i
cannot figure out
why. i kind of love that. it means that, even though i can
recognize it
as his resonance, i don't know
how it is, or what part of his soul it's catching on to. i have no clue. but it's
him, somehow.
poor chaos 0 has too much stuff just tossed into his playlist because of titles or the like. i need to clean that up for him, if he wants me to. i'll ask. maybe he'll have two playlists, who knows. but HE has a music vibe that is absolutely unmistakable. i remember the first time i heard that one song by eydís evensen in the car, where you can
feel the bass and the depth of the sound, hearing the ed carlsen remix of "wandering ii." oh the whole song quietly sounds like him but
this moment
struck me like a blow to the chest.
that was a wave in the ocean, crashing into me.
but i know. deep down i do know, for all of them. and they know
me, too. yes they do suggest songs for me, sometimes ones i wouldn't even consider myself. then i'll stop and listen, and realize-- hey, they recognized a part of my soul in this that
i hadn't even thought about. something i had lost touch with, or ignored, or even denied. but
they know me, too. they love me and they
recognize me.
...with how shattered my own psyche has personally been, especially lately, that means more than i can possibly say.
oh no i can
feel poet mode kicking in haha. wow. it's been
ages.it's... you get to a point where the body and brain finally give in to exhaustion, and the head starts to swim a little, and the edges of the vision get wobbly and blurry, and the "cold lungs" kick in if you move too much haha. but... it puts this strange distance between the "cockpit" front where people usually sit when "driving" the body (not full fronting; can't do that when typing), and where you can feel yourself actually existing inside... it pushes you back and up a bit, like you're almost floating a bit off the ground? but there's a
chest anchor, like since you're floating you need to tether somewhere and that's where it attaches, not to the hands or the head but to the
heart. still. i have to be careful, because socials
are incompatible with this, and if any bodygirl tries to take over, for any reason, it kicks me out and shuts it down. which is why i'm writing that down, because they're trying.
they have a point though, because it's four freakin' thirty in the morning what the heck how did i lose track of time that badly, haha
all right time for my
closing theme, that's the thing now, whenever i start/end the nightly archiving/typing sessions i listen to that song.
as for why, because laurie was asking me for a while, it's... there's this bittersweet edge to the sound and the title both. i have this inexplicable coincident fondness and fear towards vaporwave in general, too, so that doubles the effect. but... when i hear this song, sounding like the closing theme it is, and therefore a herald to the end of something, despite its audial smile... it reminds me that, yeah,
we're all gonna die someday. and i look at our picrew icon sets all together, a snapshot of our current community, and i see both new and missing faces and it
aches, it hurts because i
love all of them so much, and i could lose any of them in a heartbeat, but... nothing is ever really lost.
we're all going to die, but death is only a door, and there is more to life than this life, and God is love and I love all of you of this soul with me, and so this little 45 second track fills my heart with the strangest most tender emotion, every single night.
knowing that our time is short makes it all the more precious. i'm so glad i'm alive with all of you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
