100923

[prismaticbleed]

 

Morning pain & fatigue still terrible.
Wondering if I'm getting sick. The dyspnea is coming back even and its been MONTHS.

Readings= Jonah & the Good Samaritan
Jonah's fellow passengers were SHOCKINGLY RELIGIOUS? Even though superstitious. They had the grace to RECOGNIZE THE TRUE GOD in His works too.
Priest & Levite saw robbed man as UNCLEAN even in his need-- and it was an "UNCLEAN" Samaritan that loved him enough TO help him
Also that road was dangerous??? Man I need to study it; there are obviously DEPTHS of meaning i am unaware of.
Both readings haunting me-- I have been Jonah, i have been the robbed man. But God has STILL SAVED ME in both. Stop dwelling on the fall, on the shame & horror. Refocus on GOD'S ACTIVE LOVE FOR YOU NEVERTHELESS.

Beautiful adoration & Lauds; Mass ran overtime so we got SUNLIGHT.

Jade shower
BK prep with prayers. Anxiety so bad.
Cleanup with prayers too. So badly dissociated.
Why does Jade STILL disturb us so much??
Here I'll tell you, stop talking to an audience and be honest=
- Actual devil music
- Drug obsession
- Life revolves around that satanic webcomic
- Scary contacts. Eyes look inhuman
- That giggly laugh that is EXACTLY a trauma trigger
That enough for you?
Yeah we love them AS OUR BROTHER LOST UNDER ALL THAT, but that very junkheap of spiritually corrupt hyperintellectual delusion is SO UPSETTING that all we can do is pray & be kind.
They're not our enemy. The devil they listen to is. So we will use the weapons of Christ. We will continue in steadfast love of family, in patience and gentleness, and in constant prayer.

Said Joyful rosary on bike. Needed it. 2nd & 4th mystery hit with pure tenderness today. Each recital the meaning deepen. Remembering yesterday's EDE devotional about "God's Presence" manifest in the Joys & how the Rosary as a whole is inherently Eucharistic.
Main Prayers done! Still our heart loves praying now. We still like to meditate on them as we go about our day.

ALSO its Saint John Neumann's feast day? We don't know much about him BUT he's a local guy AND we got that beautiful biography of him from church last month, at random, which we feel very pushed to read. Gotta put time aside today.
ALSO today is SAINT DENIS, who gets GORGEOUS art as he is a blessed cephalophore (not a squid. We explained this to Mimic)

STILL took until 2pm to eat. No matter what we do, that's the earliest we get to sit down. Write out this schedule so we can clearly see time slots/banks.

Noticing that whenever we see a person's face on the internet, especially when talking "to us," our brain INSTANTLY starts judging their appearance??? AGAINST OUR WILL. And it's bizarre, like "their voice is too sharp" or "their face looks like a mouse" or "i don't like that color shirt" etc. BUT ALL OF THOSE COMMENTS SECRETLY END WITH "--BECAUSE IT SCARES ME." So what the heck is actually going on here?? Is this compulsive hyperjudging a FEAR RESPONSE??? Are we afraid this person is potentially an ABUSER, or a similar threat of trauma, and we are "picking out the tells" as thoroughly and insanely as possible?
...
In any case it's both heartbreaking and frustrating. We HATE this compulsion. We WANT to think NICE things about people, but the immediate fearful thought reply is "but what if they hurt you because you let your guard down"??? Dude that sounds like our MOTHER, how much of THIS comes from our upbringing too???
...
It's also disturbingly fascinating that this "self-defense" response ONLY KICKS IN WHEN WE'RE "OBSERVING", like on a screen, NOT INTERACTING in person or on call. In THOSE cases, we go SOCIAL MODE AND THE DEFENSE RESPONSE SHUTS OFF. In fact the OPPOSITE happens-- we start HYPERPRAISING instead!! We start FAWNING when we're so trapped, instead of "fleeing" with the judgments when we're alone and so we CAN RUN.
...


Picture prayers = asking Jesus & Mary to HEAL OUR BIRTHNAME from sin & shame so that we CAN be an "I."
That's the HARDEST THING but it's ESSENTIAL to the afterlife. The System is effectively ANGELIC at its best-- they guide the Core towards God, and are messengers of His Love, BUT THEY DON'T DRIVE THE BODY. Yes I can still say "us" as our existence IS collective, BUT WE NEED A PERMANENT CORE and that Core MUST BE ABSOLUTELY ROOTED IN CHRIST.
The more we learn about the true Faith, the more we realize we have to do, and haven't been doing. With knowledge comes responsibility.
We cannot disown our body. We cannot act like it's a prison or sack of meat.
We cannot disown our gender.
We cannot disown our history as a human.
...
...
I prayed, with fear & trust, that I want to "start this journey today." I want a new identity in Christ, one that CAN have eternal life, so that when He returns-- soon for sure-- I CAN joyfully run to embrace Him, AS A CONSCIOUS & CONCRETE INDIVIDUAL. I don't have that yet. I need it for salvation. So Lord, please give me what I need to be WHO You need me TO be!!!


Evening =
We got SO cold and chilled we got the heater out and switched into light sleep pants instead of shorts, and a t-shirt instead of a tank.
Now I don't know if it's our fibromyalgia or what but we are now having SUCH A MASSIVE PANIC ATTACK. We legit feel like the world is ending. WHY.
I'm trying to offer it up as a cross but Lord it's shockingly heavy. He anxiety and fear is SO BAD. Is it because of the increased touch input? The texture? The warmth? Whatever it is it is DISTURBING US SO BADLY. I might have to put the shorts back on.
Update = three minutes later I did, haha. INSTANT PROFOUND RELIEF. WHAT THE HECK DUDE??? 



...Mom just called. She had a mammogram and they found a mass.
...
All I can do is pray. All I can do is pray. It's all in God's hands.
But please, oh PLEASE God, don't let me screw this up like I did with grandma. Don't let me waste a moment.