prismaticbleed: (worried)



020325
FIGHTING OCD COMPULSIONS OF "JUST RIGHT" + "CONTAMINATION" = THE THINGS WE TOUCH FEEL "DIFFERENT" (NOT "BAD"!) BECAUSE TOUCHING THEM GIVES US THEIR POWER?
(trying to reason with the ocd paidifoni about this)

WINDOW= POWER OF OPENING TO NEWNESS
METAL= POWER OF STRENGTH,
WOOD= POWER OF GROWTH, NATURE
CLOTHES= POWER OF MODESTY

THE FEELING OF BURNING IN OUR FINGERS MEANS THERE IS POWER IN THEM TO GIVE?
GOOD IS ALWAYS MORE POWERFUL THAN EVIL!!! GOOD PURGES THE BAD OUT EVERY TIME!!

ALSO= TOUCHING RED THINGS = BLOOD = PURIFICATION

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020425

"Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.”"
How does this relate, directly, to the eating disorder?

"When our trust in God wanes, our souls can seek satisfaction in counterfeit ways... This passage in James contrasts the deceptive and fraudulent pathway of sin vs. the pure and trustworthy gifts from God. Our soul will seek satisfaction in one way or another—we can choose the allure of immediate gratification or sin, or we can trust that God is who He says He is and will do what He said He will do.
Verses 17 in The Message translation says, “There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.” 
...You may have been let down by others—we all have at one time or another. But God is reliable—a firm foundation, strong tower, and safe refuge. His love for you is vast, His motives for you are pure, and His intentions toward you are good."

In what areas are you lacking trust in God?
SEXUALITY, more than anything, actually. 
I honestly don't know how trust plays into FOOD? Unless its similar to sex, and deals with the POISON fear???

• Is it difficult or easy for you to believe that God is trustworthy?
Easy, BUT I'm scared of "what I'm trusting Him TO DO?" Like I know He's trustworthy, BUT I'm scared that His "good things" involve hurting me?? THAT'S CHILDHOOD PARENT FEAR!!!

• Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.” Have you experienced this in your life?

"Lord, increase my discernment when sin knocks at my door, and remind me of your abundant and trustworthy path. Amen."


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021625

OUR "REAL ME" DEPENDS ON WHAT LEVEL + VIBE FREQUENCY WE'RE TUNED INTO!!!
JESSICAS ARE "ROCK BOTTOM" NO HIGHER FEELINGS / HOPES??

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021725
OUTSPACER ROSARY!!

Lynne is too hyper Because it BELONGS IN YELLOW
Jo never fit it well Because he was HALF LAVENDER

We need to TEACH the Socials INTEGRITY

YOU CANNOT "OFFER UP" OR "SIT THROUGH" SUFFERING WITHOUT A MOTIVE OF ACTUAL LOVE!!!

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022125

Laurie REJECTING / REMOVING the "blood fluster" thing imposed on her; "this isn't mine" + "we NEED daengels back" TO hold things like that so they don't get shunted onto nousfoni

Triple bloodline emphasized so much. Jess / Jewel / Jay all functioning so differently.

ALSO realizing=
JACINTH "BLOODLINE" ABUSED BY JASMINE
JEWELS ABUSED BY JULIE
JAYS ABUSED BY PLAGUE??? Guys affected differently than girls; self-destructive versus murderous respectively

Big event of today =
"Accidentally" deleted religious tumblr.
It was putting our brain RIGHT BACK INTO 2019 MODE and that was SO TERRIFYING we brought up the delete screen and didn't realize it autosaved the password. So it's gone. Six years of performance and manipulation and selfdeath, deleted. And it's very sad that THAT is how we remember that Tumblr. The religious scrupulosity was largely a facade-- Tilly was hyperfocused on sin & shame & guilt-- and all the posting served to prevent any integration or practice of said religion.
I'm glad it's gone.

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022225
Actually felt comfortable for a moment on couch.
Brief thought, "is thus what a baby feels like" in theoretical ideal? Ironically this made me feel SO SCARED & UNSAFE that I rejected the comfort and got up

SLC flashbacks. Trying to remember details but nothing.
Only realizing that we couldn't cope because we couldn't fight back yet? We needed WRECKAGE. Back then all we had was CANNON, and she IMPLODED.

JESSICAS ARENT CORES!! THEYRE DAMAGED!! THEY HOLD ALL THAT NAME CORRUPTION AND PROTECT SOMEONE DEEPER DOWN

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022325

Pray for the POWER AND EXPERIENCE OF FORGIVENESS!
ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE + PRAYER
"YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE/KNOW; YOU CANNOT EXPRESS WHAT YOU CAN'T IMAGINE"!!!

"Love is patient, kind, etc." = is yours?

Love your enemies = who do you treat with APATHY? AVOIDANCE? etc.
You may not recognize your enemy at first but they are WHOEVER YOU JUDGE & LOOK DOWN ON / CRITICIZE / CONDEMN.

At home later=
Chaos talking about what my "scent" is, like on blankets & shirts. Saying it is worth cherishing b/c I'm the only one of us with a physical existence.
Laurie called him out for potentially being "too explicit" with such talk?
"Infi could talk about this more explicitly than I ever could"
"We all know ze's coming back"
"Infi is the only person besides the good Lord Himself who can be closer to Jay than I am"

PLEASE type about 1 Thessalonians 3:5-6 realizations
5: "Small apostasies"= compromises, esp. MOM COMMENTS
6: Love+faith = REMEMBERING OTHERS KINDLY/ WELL/ WITH JOY

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022825

THE DEVIL'S TRICK IN KEEPING ME IN ADDICTION LOOPS = HE MAKES ME DO IT "FOR OTHER PEOPLE "

ALSO BTW https://biblehub.com/greek/2719.htm



prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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ONLY setting a timer to delay disordered behavior, but NOT immediately REDIRECTING our focus to AWARENESS, only lets the stress "BOIL"? We CANNOT DENY the emotions that come up during this delay/ distraction; only to ALLOW for a time "SPACE" between to LESSEN the INTENSITY!
When we interrupt our behaviors, we notice feelings of FEAR, DISCOMFORT, DREAD, ANXIETY, PANIC, DESPAIR, TERROR, HELPLESSNESS

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS WE WON'T LET OURSELVES FEEL=
FAILURE, GUILT, SADNESS, OVERWHELM, POWERLESSNESS, INTIMACY, SEXUALITY, INCAPABILITY

✳ THESE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS have THREE CHAINED RESPONSES in our disturbed mind =
1. WON'T LET MYSELF FEEL IT;
2. BERATE MYSELF FOR FEELING IT;
3. REACT DESTRUCTIVELY & VIOLENTLY TO IT


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LABELING VS LEGALIZING FOODS = THIS IS HUMBLING & CONCERNING & MOTIVATING, TO REALIZE THAT (AS OF 1025) I AM APPARENTLY STILL LABELING SO MANY FOODS!! THE #1 WAY TO COMBAT THIS IS TO LET MYSELF EAT THOSE FOODS REGULARLY!! DO NOT FEED RESTRICTIVE BEHAVIOR HABITS OR MINDSETS! MOST FEAR ARE ONLY ROOTED IN AVOIDANCE/ NONEXPOSURE. The more we DO try them, the more FAMILIAR/ COMFORTABLE we'll get with them, & become OPEN & ABLE to TRULY ENJOY them!
We STILL have SWEEPING CATEGORIES OF FEAR FOODS (e.g. "ALL cheese, ALL meat, ALL sugar, ALL juice, ALL snack foods) and these are ANCIENT and I'M SICK OF THEM!!! WTF IS THE ROTTEN ROOT KEEPING THESE DISTORTIONS ALIVE??? (they're seen as inherently "unhealthy/ dangerous/ fattening) FIGHT THAT LIE TO THE DEATH. ROMANS 14:2 & 14:14!! HAVE FAITH IN GOD'S GOODNESS IN CREATING ALL FOOD!!!

"What judgments crept into your head as you made your list (of "liked" foods)?"
"Do I REALLY like this food?"
"Is it BAD if I DO like it?"
"Am I ALLOWED to like it?"
"What does liking this food say about my personality/ who I am? Will liking this CHANGE me into someone I'm NOT/ don't want to be?"
"If I DON'T choose this food option EVERY TIME, does that mean I DON'T actually like it/ that I'm LYING?"

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PURGING is a PANIC/ SURVIVAL/ GRIEF/ "WEEPING RAGE" RESPONSE. It seeks EMPTYING-OUT; even EXPECTORATION? "Something BAD/ PAINFUL/ SCARY INSIDE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF ME, NOW!"
✳ TYPICAL TRAUMA RESPONSE. It "FEELS LIKE SCREAMING."
Purging ALSO REQUIRES INTENSE MUSCLE STRAIN/ RELIEF in the ABDOMEN, which is WHERE WE HOLD BOTH "FEAR" AND "INFESTATION/ POISON" FEELINGS

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"SAFETY CRUTCHES" = "NUMB THE PAIN"; like a DRUG (HARMFUL/ ADDICTIVE)
✳ Identify PERSONAL examples; HOW to COMBAT/ CHANGE
ASK: "WHAT INTERNAL PAIN AM I AVOIDING?"
(SLC/ CNC TRAUMA; GRANDPARENT DEATH GUILT)
(THE EATING DISORDER IS A SAFETY CRUTCH!!!)

✳ We talk ABOUT our fear TOO much. What DO we deny? EXHAUSTION? TRIGGERS? (THAT'S WHAT WE DID AT RENFAIRE)

SOME POSSIBLE SAFETY CRUTCHES WE HAVE=
● LOTOPHAGOI DISSOCIATION
● ALLERGY PANIC; "IF I EAT THIS IT WILL KILL ME" CONSTANT WORRY
● OBSESSIVE NUTRITION/ DIET/ MACRO/ INGREDIENT RESEARCH
● WEIGHING FOOD? (EXACT, SPECIFIC NUMBERS "OR ELSE")
● OBSESSIVE HANDWASHING; "LADY MACBETH" CURSE FEELING
● "CLEAN" EATING SPACE/ UTENSILS OR ELSE "CONTAMINATED"
"RIGHT" CLOTHES & TOWELS; "NEED" TO WEAR CERTAIN OUTFITS
● EXACT TIMING & ORDER OF MEALS
PROCRASTINATING GOOD THINGS? NOT JOURNALING OR LEAGUEWORKING
● LIST MAKING, ESPECIALLY WITH MATH/ CALCULATIONS
● "MEDICATION SHOTS" "JUST IN CASE" (BENADRYL, TYLENOL)
● OVERCOMMITMENT TO HELP OTHERS; "NO TIME TO THINK/ FEEL/ BE MYSELF"
● REFUSING TO BE HELPED? FEAR OF "WRONGNESS"/ THINGS BEING "RUINED"
● CONSTANTLY ASKING FOR REASSURANCE? "AM I DYING?" "DO I LOOK SICK?"
● IMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR, ESP. COMPULSIONS = DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT/ LIKE

✳ I REALLY HAVEN'T "FELT" MY GRIEF AT ALL YET. ANXIETY CRUTCHES INVOLVE CONTROL AND GRASPING? TRAUMA/ FEAR CRUTCHES INVOLVE ESCAPE/ ABUSE ECHOING? (ironically they ALL FEED THE PAIN & PANIC)

"Describe a recent situation where you used a safety crutch to deal with your problems."
ANXIETY = running to stores to buy binge food (normally wouldn't even go outside), making obsessive "diet math" phone lists (for HOURS), keep seeking mom's reply (passive "did I do good?")
GRIEF = flat-out AVOIDED the topic/ REFUSED to look at it/ DENIED my emotion?? (GUILT/ SHAME/ ANGER at grief? "NO RIGHT"/ "YOUR FAULT")
TRAUMA = Turning my actions/ choices into APOLOGIES/ MIMICRY/ TRIBUTES/ RELIVING OF traumatic events; "MY LIFE IS STILL ALL ABOUT/ FOR THEM"; "abandon" self-agency & identity? "TRAPPED" in past; "POWERLESS"
✳ DISASSOCIATION kicks in AUTOMATICALLY every day. You HAVE to PRACTICE MINDFULNESS to "balance" this!

"Describe what you think might have happened had you not used a safety crutch."
I would INEVITABLY have to CATCH THE TIDAL WAVE HEAD-ON. These memories & emotions both WANT & NEED to be ADMITTED, ACCEPTED, FELT, & PROCESSED, but I keep fleeing out of the fear of drowning. HOWEVER, PROGRESS COULD FINALLY BE MADE if we just SIT DOWN & TALK/ FEEL IT OUT AS A SYSTEM!!!
✳ SAFETY CRUTCHES ONLY SEEM TO KICK IN DURING "SINGLET" MINDSETS BECAUSE THERE'S NO CONSCIOUS ACCESS TO THE "SAFETY" OF FAITH/ THE SYSTEM?? (CUT OFF FROM TRUTH/ LOVE!!)

"Did you ever try to stop using one of these safety crutches? What happened?"
YES. The anxiety SPIKES, BUT I NEVER HAD COPING SKILLS BEFORE. So it didn't last. BUT! I would REALIZE that I WAS using a crutch, and often WHY! I just didn't know what ELSE to do because the ONLY REAL OPTION was to ACCEPT REALITY & WRITE ABOUT IT, BUT my environment stressors made me feel like I COULDN'T, because it'd be "OPENING PANDORA'S BOX" and it WOULD change EVERYTHING & REQUIRE that I LIVE ENTIRELY DIFFERENTLY from then on. And we WANTED to, but "WEREN'T READY"?? And I think the eating disorder would've gotten WORSE? Because if we started PROCESSING the trauma FULL FORCE, we would've TOTALLY STOPPED EATING/ SLEEPING when it got bad? We NEEDED inpatient FIRST.



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RELAPSE WARNING SIGNS=
● Skipping meals or snacks ("excess"; "greedy;" "waste of time/ resources")
● Urges to restrict foods you previously enjoyed (GUILT + SHAME response; PENANCE for "LUXURY")
● Over exercising (especially WITH RESTRICTING; motive TO "lose weight" NOT "get stronger")
● Needing to be "perfect" (LOOKS AND BEHAVIOR; fear of SPIRITUAL corruption sign otherwise)
● Increased need for control (See "uncontrolled" body as a THREAT) ("TRAPPED"; "CAGED"; seen as "ABUSIVE")
Difficulty coping with stress ("SWALLOW" it; tend to "TAKE IN" overwhelm; LOSE "DISTINCT SELF")

MAIN TRIGGERS = SEXUALITY, VISIBLE BLOOD, SUMMER, THANKSGIVING, HALLOWEEN, TRAUMA EVENT ANNIVERSARIES, RUSHING/ NOISE, CROWDS, PEOPLE BEING SICK, TALKING WHILE EATING, EATING IN PUBLIC, CHANTED VOCAL PRAYERS, BEING TOUCHED, FEMININE SMELLS & VOICES, ETC.

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DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPACT PERSONAL/ ENVIRONMENTAL HYGIENE HAS ON YOUR MENTAL STATE!!
When I SKIP it I feel = depressed, dirty, wrong, subhuman, humiliated, want to cry? stuck, forlorn, miserable, powerless, trapped, despondent, etc.!! BODY SPEAKS TO MIND + POOR ENVIRONMENT
When I COMPLETE it I feel = accomplished, clean, clearheaded, refreshed, positive, dignified, comfortable

PROBLEMS=
● I haven't showered in months (outside of inpatient) because of trauma flashbacks/ physical burnout
● I OBSESSIVELY HANDWASH when anxious ("blood on hands")
● When burnt-out, I don't clean the apartment for longer periods of time/ don't wash laundry
● On my worst days I don't exercise and wear dirty clothes for over a week

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING...
✳ Get nonalcoholic mouthwash? Freshness "jumpstarts" desire to feel/BE clean all over
✳ Do ONE tiny thing, like wash your face or wipe the floor. It often gives me enough of a boost to do more.
✳ Leave laundry/ vacuum out where I can see it? "JUST DO IT" push; LAURIE WILL HELP!

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SITUATION THAT TRIGGERED ANGER=
1. Feeling "trapped" by the past because/ when mom keeps bringing it up & asking about it
2. Feeling "doomed" to do Partial aftercare, which requires being ON CAMERA for ~7 hours a day, with nonstop socializing & controlled meals

WHAT I DID=

1. Got defensive/ confrontational, responding coldly/ curtly, blaming her/ exaggerating the negative
2. Cursed, bit myself, yanked out my hair, almost vomited, SEETHED with rage/ fear, isolated myself in hallway

CONSEQUENCES=
1. No dialogue possible. Drives a wedge between mom & I. Hurts her. Corrupts me. Deep regret & shame.
2. Hurt self/ made self sick, didn't fix any problem. Made me feel like I "didn't care about" health? Miserable, scared/ ashamed/ lost.

NEXT TIME, I WILL=

1. Genuinely listen, state my confusion & fear, but also my respect/ TRUST/ love of her & willingness to dialogue/ understand
2. JOURNAL IMMEDIATELY? TALK TO A THERAPIST? And DIALOGUE with social worker? RISK IT ANYWAY?? Don't chicken out!! TRUST IN GOD & PRAY THAT HIS WILL BE DONE, then FOLLOW IT.

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IDENTITY ROLES=
CATHOLIC
ARTIST
MUSICIAN
AUTHOR
"QUEER"
MULTIPLE

IDENTITY QUALITIES=
INTELLIGENT
STRONG
INSIGHTFUL
IMAGINATIVE
COURAGEOUS
JOYFUL
LOVING

I DON'T really identify as DAUGHTER/ SISTER because I DON'T identify as "GIRL"


"ARTIST" IDENTITY
PROS= In tune with my passions & interests; love being creative; value beauty
CONS= Perfectionistic, competitive, "never good enough", "work is never done"
PERSONAL MEANING= Creator of new dreams & joys = speaks truths
SOCIETAL MEANING= Waste of time, meaningless, childish

"MULTIPLE" IDENTITY
PROS= I LOVE US ALL. Self-knowledge. RICH INNER LIFE. Spectrum soul. Deepest self-love. Purest joy.
CONS= TERRIFYING .Trauma cause. Self is "split up." Insane, scary, dangerous. "Broken." Not fit for society.

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BIGGEST "HURTS"=
● Not being TRUSTED to CONTINUE RECOVERY; ASSUME/ "DOOM" ME TO RELAPSE
● "ALWAYS" statements about eating disorder

THINGS I AM AFRAID MOM WILL SAY / MOST TRIGGERING STATEMENTS =
"So are you actually going to follow through on treatment this time, or are you just going to quit again?"
"Are you actually going to eat that or are you just going to throw up?"
"Now make sure you keep it down, I didn't pay for this food for you to waste it!"
"I don't know if I can trust you NOT to relapse"
"That treatment doesn't do you any good. You always go right back to your bad habits. You obviously don't want to get better."
"You look so much more FEMININE"
"You don't look like you're dying anymore! Now make sure you keep that weight on! Don't go right back to throwing up!"
"Well? How long until the hospital high wears off and you go right back to throwing everything up?"
"The treatment had better stick this time, because no one wants to deal with your shit anymore."
"Well, you LOOK healthier, but how long is this going to last before you go right back to your eating disorder?"
"So they fixed your weight, but how much did you hide from them about how sick in the head you are? That's why you can never get better; you never tell your doctors the truth. I think you WANT to stay sick/ you LIKE being sick."


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STRESSORS / TRIGGERS

● RUSHING
● LOUD NOISE
● FEELING HELPLESS
DIRT/ MESS/ DISORGANIZATION
● CROWDS
● FORCED INTERACTION
FAST PACED ACTIVITY
● TALKING A LOT
● BAD TEXTURES
● STRONG SMELLS
● "I DON'T KNOW"
● BLOCKED OPTIONS/ UNEXPECTED INABILITY
● SKILL INADEQUACY
● "BACKGROUND NOISE"
● TRAUMA FLASHBACKS
● BEING OUTSIDE AT NIGHT
● SUMMER HEAT/ SMELL
● "INTERIM PANIC"
● BEING PULLED INTO CONVERSATION
● BEING REFERRED TO BY NAME
● GENDER DYSPHORIA
● CERTAIN VOCAL SOUNDS
● FEELING ILL/ SICK/ "WRONG"
● ALLERGY PANIC
● STOMACH PAIN
● BEING LOCKED IN A ROOM
● CREATIVE SUPPRESSION
● OTHER PEOPLE PANICKING
● CHANTING
● BEING TOUCHED
● EATING AROUND OTHERS
● "I DID SOMETHING WRONG"
● BAD WEATHER
● WHINING/ COMPLAINING
● RUSHED SCHEDULES/ SUDDEN CHANGES
● NOT KNOWING THE DATA/ ANSWER
● UNRESOLVED PROBLEMS/ NO SOLID ANSWERS
● FAST DECISIONS
● NOT BEING ABLE TO FOCUS
● HAVING TO BREATHE SLOW/ HOLD MY BREATH
● PEOPLE STARING AT ME
● TELEVISIONS LEFT ON
● "TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF"
● "WHATEVER YOU WANT"
● CRYING
● FEELING UNSAFE/ TRAPPED/ LOST
● "SILLY" BEHAVIOR
● TRAUMA ENVIRONMENTS
● "HURRY UP"
● UNCLEAR/ NO INSTRUCTIONS
● FEELING LIKE I CAN'T BE "MYSELF"
EVERYTHING ROMANTIC/ SEXUAL


✳ INTENSITY OF STRESS RESPONSE STACKS ON TRAUMA + "DISCONNECTION"
✳ STRESS BOILS OVER QUICKLY INTO ANGER = STRESS IS FEAR
✳ STRESS FOR ME TYPICALLY ISN'T A "SLIDING SCALE." IT HITS IN WHAT FEEL LIKE TOTAL EXTREMES. IT ALL FEELS LIKE A SNOWBALLING EFFECT TO DISASTER. "NEVER JUST ONE"; TRAUMA RESPONSE

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"Insult the cake" mental flexibility assignment= meant to abstractly reveal what we think of AS insulting/ deserving OF insult


"You have too many layers"
"All that icing is so excessive"
"I wouldn't want to eat purple stuff, that's gross"
"You look like you came from a little girl's birthday party" (i.e. "GROW UP")
"You'll go straight to my hips"
"You're sickeningly sweet"
"I don't eat carbs, sorry"
"Sugar is poison, so no"
"I have no room for dessert"
"What do you think you're celebrating?"
"I don't like cake"
"Dessert is a hedonistic luxury"
"You have no nutrition to offer me"
"You don't count as real food"

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PROS/ CONS for CRISIS URGE = BINGE/ PURGE!!! THAT is the MOST DANGEROUS and the one we NEVER WANT TO GIVE IN TO EVER AGAIN!!

PROS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "Stops"/numbs the panic/anxiety attacks
● "Uses up time" that is unscheduled (chaotic)
● Opportunity to think/ listen to ICC lectures
● "Enjoy" food/eating; feel "satisfied"; "fun" (picking)
● "IGNORE/FORGET" the present moment stress?

CONS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "HELL NIGHTS," E.R. TRIPS, BETRAYING GRANDMA
● PERMANENT, possibly FATAL BODY DAMAGE
WASTES TIME, MONEY, FOOD, LIFE (BAD STEWARD)
● ABUSES body and DISHONORS GOD
● Feeds vice/ starves virtue; CORRUPTS VALUES
TRAUMATIC forcefeeding/ sickness/ vomiting
● DEATH, DESTRUCTION, DESPAIR

PROS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● KEEP NUTRITION/ BODY UNHURT/ GET TO REST
● NO WASTING; grow in DISCIPLINE & RESPONSIBILITY
● Grow in STRENGTH OF WILL, PATIENCE, COURAGE, ENDURANCE
TIME to do GOOD & CREATIVE things; LIVE MY VALUES
● STRENGTHEN virtue & body; preserve DIGNITY
● LIFE/ HOPE/ HEALTH/ COURAGE/ WISDOM

CONS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● Need to ENDURE crippling panic/ fear/ anxiety
● May feel nauseous/ sick/ overstuffed/ in pain
● May feel hungry/ unsatisfied; child "crying" protest
● Must find ways of RELAXING/ ENJOYING; NOT GUILTY
● No "rest or relief" from physical suffering


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PROS/CONS for "EATING ALL OF THE CHALLENGE ENTREES; NO CHANGES TO MENUS"

PROS =

COMMITTED TO 100%
● FACE CONSEQUENCES MANFULLY
● "I WON'T RUN AWAY"
● SET GOOD EXAMPLE
● TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MISTAKES
● GET TO FACE ALL THE FEARS
SEE JUST HOW I WENT WRONG
● "I CAN'T CHICKEN OUT"

CONS =
● TORTURE/ SELF-ABUSE
● BINGE BEHAVIOR; HUGE PORTIONS
● FEEL LIKE AN ANIMAL; "DEHUMANIZED"
● MAKES FEAR FOODS EVEN SCARIER
● TERRIFIED/ MISERABLE FOR THREE DAYS
● HIGH VOLUME MEALS INEVITABLE
WILL BE STORMED BY FLASHBACKS
● MISS OUT ON SIDE OPTIONS

PROS/CONS for "DO CHANGE MENUS & CUT OUT "FEAR" OPTIONS; REFUSE TO EAT 100%"

PROS =
PROPER EXCHANGES; OBEDIENT
● REDUCE FEAR/ ANXIETY/ DEPRESSION
● DON'T HAVE TO FORCE FLASHBACKS
● "NORMAL EATING"
● LEARN TO SAY "NO"/ "STOP"
● PROPER PORTION CONTROL
● NOT TORTURING BODY
● SENSE OF POWER/ FREEDOM

CONS =
● "RUNNING AWAY" FROM CHALLENGE
● REGRET MY COWARDICE
● HUMILIATED BY "SECOND-GUESSING"
● HAVE TO EAT TONS OF SIDES INSTEAD
● BROKEN COMMITMENT
● SCANDALOUS TO PEERS
● WASTING FOOD
● RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR

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PROS/CONS for "PUSHING MEALPLAN EXCHANGES WAY OVER LIMITS"

PROS =
● "PERFORM ABOVE AND BEYOND"
● "GET USED TO" LARGER PORTIONS
● GAIN WEIGHT FASTER FOR TREATMENT GOALS
● TRY MORE NEW THINGS
● USE FULL MEAL TIME
● "I CAN DO IT"

CONS =
● SUPER HIGH VOLUME
● BINGE TRIGGER
● COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR
● DISOBEYING INSTRUCTIONS
● MUST RUSH TO COMPLETE
● TYPICALLY HIGH IN LIPIDS
● GLUTTONOUS BEHAVIOR

PROS/CONS for "STICKING WITH THE LIMITS YOU'RE GIVEN"

PROS =
● FOLLOWING THE RULES
● SMALLER VOLUME MEALS
● GET USED TO EATING LESS
● MORE TIME TO ENJOY
● TEMPERATE BEHAVIOR
● LESS STRESS
● MEET THE CHALLENGE
● MAKE WISER CHOICES

CONS =
● "FOMO"
● "HUNGER" FEAR
● HAVE TO SAY "NO"
● TRIGGERS RESTRICTION
● LIMITS OPTIONS
● MAY FEEL "DEPRIVED"
● RESTRICTED CHOICES
● FEEL CONTROLLED

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PROS/CONS for "INTEGRATING ENTIRETY OF PERSONAL HISTORY; OWN IT ALL"

PROS =
● EVERY NOUSFONI CAN LIVE
● RADICAL SINCERITY
● OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN & PRACTICE REAL LOVE, MERCY, AND FORGIVENESS
● FINALLY HEAL THE TRAUMA
● WE CAN REMEMBER IT ALL
● WHOLENESS OF IDENTITY

CONS =
● WE MUST FACE ALL THE HORROR AND NOT DISOWN OUR FAILURES OR SINS
● MUST PROCESS DECADES OF TRAUMA
● POSSIBLE BREAKDOWNS
● REQUIRES TONS OF TIME AND EFFORT; TOTAL FOCUS
● YOU CANNOT RUN

PROS/CONS for "NO 'PAST'= CONTINUE TO DETACH & DISSOCIATE FROM THE TRAUMA, CHILDHOOD, HELL YEARS & JULIE DAYS; CUT 'NOW' OFF FROM THEN'"

PROS =
● "PURE" PAST
● FORGET WORST TRAUMA
● "THAT WASN'T ME"
● FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
● CONTINUED DISSOCIATION MAY BIRTH NEW NOUSFONI
● DETACH FROM GUILT/ SHAME
● SHUT DOWN FLASHBACKS
● "A WHOLE NEW PERSON"

CONS =
● LIVING A LIE, ULTIMATELY
● IN DENIAL OF REALITY
● UNINTEGRATED SELF
● "RUNNING AWAY"
● SO MANY NOUSFONI DENIED THE CHANCE TO LIVE & SPEAK
● MEMORIES STAY HIDDEN
● DISCONNECT FROM FAMILY
● NO HEALING PROGRESS

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PROS/CONS for "GOING TO PARTIAL WHETHER IN PERSON OR ONLINE & STICKING WITH THE PROGRAM"

PROS =
● CONTROLLED RECOVERY WORK
● OBEDIENT/ COMPLIANT/ COOPERATIVE
● GOOD EXAMPLE, GOOD CHARACTER
● LEARN NEW SKILLS
● GET FURTHER COUNSELING
● INSPIRE & BE INSPIRED BY OTHERS
● ACCOUNTABILITY FIGHTS RELAPSES
● PREVENTS SLOTH & ISOLATION

CONS =
● NO SCHEDULE FREEDOM
● TAKES UP MAJORITY OF DAY
● MAY BE ON CAMERA FOR HOURS
● NOISY, STARING AT MEALS
● POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING
● CONTROLLED MEALPLAN
● "INFECTS" HOME ATMOSPHERE
● MENTALLY EXHAUSTING

PROS/CONS for "REFUSING TO GO OR COOPERATE, DROPPING OUT AND/OR QUITTING"

PROS =
● TOTALLY FREE SCHEDULE
● I DECIDE MY MEALTIMES & MEAL OPTIONS
● QUIET, ALONE TIME AT HOME
● "PRESERVE MENTAL HEALTH"
● FOCUS ON CREATIVE WORK
● ABLE TO SAY "NO"
● ABLE TO FOCUS ON ME
● NO CONSTANT ANXIETY ABOUT NEXT DAY

CONS =

● "REFUSE TO COMPLY WITH TREATMENT"
● SCANDAL AGAINST CHARACTER
● HIGHER RISK OF RELAPSE
● NO "TRANSITION" PERIOD
● ISOLATION RISK
● NO NEW LEARNING OF SKILLS/ INFORMATION
● THERAPISTS/ DOCS/ FAM WILL BE VERY UPSET
● YOU WILL REGRET IT

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PROS/CONS for "ACCEPTING THAT THE WORLD WON'T CONFORM TO MY MORALS/ COMFORT; TRIGGERS ARE UNAVOIDABLE"

PROS =
● CAN FOCUS INSTEAD ON MANAGING EMOTIONAL RESPONSE & COPING SKILLS
● IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS, NOT YOURS
● CAN TAKE A STAND WITHOUT BEING CRUEL
● ALLOWS FOR MERCY
● FOCUS ON OWN MORALS
● SET A HOLY EXAMPLE

CONS =
● GRIEF, RAGE, DESPAIR RISK AT MORAL CORRUPTION
● MAY BECOME MORALLY LAX
● RELATIVISM RISK
● THREATS EVERYWHERE
● RISK OF CHRONIC DISSOCIATION
● MAY STOP FIGHTING
● BLINDED TO POSSIBLE CHANGE

PROS/CONS for "REJECTING THE FREE WILL OF OTHERS & DEMANDING THAT YOU BE 'CATERED TO' MORALLY & MENTALLY; 'DON'T DO SUCH THINGS'"

PROS =
● REFUSE TO TOLERATE MORAL CORRUPTION
● "FIGHT AGAINST EVIL"
● SEEKS JUSTICE
● MORAL STANDARDS
● ASSERTIVE OF MORAL OBJECTIVE TRUTHS/ DOGMAS
● MINDFUL OF OWN TRIGGERS & RISKS

CONS =

● TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS
● DOESN'T ACTUALLY PREVENT TRIGGERS OR FLASHBACKS
● INCONSIDERATE OF THE UNIQUE SITUATIONS OF OTHERS
● UNMERCIFUL
● NO MORAL STRENGTH
● PUT MYSELF IN GOD'S PLACE
● PROUD

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PROS/CONS for "I CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT; ACCEPT DENIALS & LIMITS IN LIFE; ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES & TAKE WHATEVER IS GIVEN GLADLY"

PROS =
● BUT YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED!
● OPEN TO ADVENTURE
● INCREASES CAPACITY FOR GRATITUDE & HUMILITY
● FIND MERIT IN UNEXPECTED
● FLEXIBLE, ADAPTABLE
● FIND JOY & FUN IN SURPRISE
● POWER TO MAKE IT ALL GOOD

CONS =
MAY START DENYING WANTS
● TRIGGER FOR COMPLAINING
● FUELS "SERVANT" MINDSET
● MAY START SUPPRESSING ASSERTIVENESS
● RISK OF CRUSHING PREFERENCES
● MAY TRIGGER POROUS BOUNDARIES

PROS/CONS for "RESIST, PROTEST, GRUMBLE, COMPLAIN, INSIST ON GETTING MY WANTS EVEN IF ITS RUDE; REFUSE TO COMPROMISE OR SETTLE"

PROS =
● "ASSERTIVE"
● "I KNOW MY WANTS"
● ABLE TO SAY "NO" & STAND UP FOR SELF
● SUGGESTS AN UNDERLYING PASSION FOR JUSTICE
● "SECURE" OUTCOME TO MY PLANS & EXPECTATIONS
● SENSE OF CONTROL

CONS =

● ARROGANT, ENTITLED
● RIGID EXPECTATIONS
● NO NEW EXPERIENCES
● UNGRATEFUL
● UNCOOPERATIVE
● NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE
● SELFISH, CHILDISH
● "MY WILL BE DONE"
● INFLEXIBLE, UNABLE TO ADAPT
● DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS AND REPUTATION

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"Write a brief imaginary two-way conversation between yourself and a person you trust/ consider a mentor, where the two of you discuss a significant problem you are struggling with. How do you imagine they would respond?"

ME= Father P., I am struggling immensely with my gender identity. I know my body is female but I have never felt happy, safe, or comfortable with it. What do I do about this? The inner conflict is agonizing.

FR.P= We all have our particular cross to carry, and this is yours-- along with being gay, as you have also told me. It isn't a sin to have these difficult feelings. It is only sinful to ACT on them, as they are contrary to nature.

ME= I understand that and ironically that's why this is so difficult. Father, I HAVE acted on these feelings before, as you know. The problem is that I STILL WANT TO, and the thought of having to live as a woman, abandoning all hope of "gender therapy," is a nightmare.

FR.P= That desire to be another gender might never go away. It might never get easier to handle. And yes, it might make you truly miserable, even angry. But a cross always hurts to carry. This isn't some sort of torture from God. This is a means to make you a saint.

ME= Father, deep down I realize that. And it does give me hope. But I cannot deny the anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be female. I'm scared. It disgusts me. I don't know how to live as a woman and I don't understand "other" women and I feel like an alien. I can't "turn off" this aversion.

FR.P= Maybe you can't. But that's where prayer comes in. You have to trust that God does not want you to suffer like this. There's nothing wrong with being a woman, although I understand you cannot accept that for yourself right now. Can you accept it for others? Is this bigger than just you?

ME= You know what? It really is. I've internalized this corrupt belief that to be a woman is to be sexual, to be defined by that and even doomed to it. I hate it. I hate sex and when I look at the new curves on this body and feel this disturbing soft roundness I want to rip it to shreds, to rip it off of me & leave only the pure fleshless sexless bones.

FR.P= You need to bring this to therapy. There is so much more going on that I cannot help you with, but a professional can. And God WILL help you through them. But you must be completely honest, and you have to trust in God's plan no matter what. He can turn even this into a means of sanctification.

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PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
● I DO NOT LIKE BEING TOUCHED! (ESPECIALLY "LIGHT TOUCH")
● I need a small distance between me & others? ESPECIALLY WHEN FACING EACH OTHER. If I'M behind someone, the distance often CLOSES; I love closeness BUT NOT DIRECT ATTENTION.
● Please do not pick up/ move/ look through my belongings, ESPECIALLY my tablets & folders. (Clothes/ HBC doesn't bother me much?)
● Please DON'T SIT NEXT TO ME.
● I have the right to PRIVACY in MY OWN APARTMENT.
● I AM allowed to ask for closeness when I DO want it.

INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES
● My creative ideas/ worlds mean everything to me. Please respect them & listen sincerely. If you're NOT interested, TELL ME. Don't make me talk about my soul to a wall.
● Do not tell me I'm "hallucinating"/ "imagining things"/ "delusional"/ "confused" etc. WITHOUT VALID EXPLANATION.
● I NEED DIALOGUE. No passive-aggression or "smile & nod" silence. BE HONEST & OPEN with me.
● I have a right to refuse to engage in hostile arguments.
● I have a right to freely express & assert my opinions.
● I have a right to change a topic I feel is inappropriate.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
● Please DO NOT openly discuss self-abuse & trauma with me IN DETAIL, UNLESS we're in MUTUAL DIALOGUE and I ASKED to know.
● I have the right to express real emotion and NOT be shamed, punished, shut down, mollified, or coddled. Do NOT treat me as a "little girl."
● I have the right to RESPECT for my emotions, NOT IGNORED or BRUSHED OFF.
● I have a RIGHT to be OPEN & HONEST about what I feel.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
● I AM A CELIBATE ASEXUAL AROMANTIC and that MUST be honored. NEVER TRY TO "CONVERT" ME.
● I will NOT tolerate sexual language, jokes, or topics.
● NO "PET NAMES"
● NO "FLIRTING"
● NO comments on "beauty" or "attractiveness"
● NO euphemisms or "feminist" lewdness
● I have the right to request MUTUAL MODESTY & PURITY, especially in dress

MATERIAL BOUNDARIES
● I have the right to NOT let you "look through" my creative tablets & folders.
● I have the right for my possessions to be kept clean & undamaged
● I have the right to OWN things, and NOT "have to" give them away/ sell them/ "sacrifice" them
● I have the right to spend my money on self-care and enrichment, not just survival
● I have the right NOT to share intimately honest possessions (books, musical instruments, plushes)

TIME BOUNDARIES
● I NEED SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF "ALONE TIME," EVEN WHILE IN A ROOM WITH OTHERS.
● I have the right to quiet, still, peaceful time
● I NEED  that time to EAT. Please honor this!
● I have the RIGHT AND NEED to take DAILY TIME to journal, self-reflect, and do creative work
● I NEED time to PRAY at SPECIFIC TIMES (Liturgy, Divine Office, etc.) and I have the RIGHT to do so.
● I HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP

SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES
NEVER PREVENT OR HINDER ME FROM GOING TO MASS/ ADORATION, OR FROM PRAYER!!
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to witness openly to the Truth of the Catholic Faith in word & deed at ALL times.
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to DEFEND that Faith with respect, yet fidelity. I WILL NOT BE SWAYED OR SILENCED.
● I have the right to practice the rituals & Sacraments of my faith, and to seriously request access to them.

LANGUAGE BOUNDARIES
● Please DON'T use "absolutes" or "leading questions" (UNTIL I get a stronger self-concept; these really disturb me)
● DO NOT "BABYTALK" ME. No "aww!"s or "yay!"s or "good job!"s, etc. NO "feelgood" babble. I am neither an infant nor a pet.
● DO NOT ASK ME "ARE YOU OKAY?" (unless it's PRECEDED by a casual modifer such as "dude," "kid," "hey man," etc.; this changes the entire tone)
● DO NOT USE "FEMININE" TERMS WITH ME (girl, woman, babe, honey, chica, lady, etc.)
● DO NOT KEEP SAYING "I'm sorry"; "Am I annoying you"; "Whatever you want"; "I don't know"; etc.!! ALL "cowering" language STILL triggers my RAGE RESPONSE and I cannot turn it off; this is for BOTH OUR SAFETY.

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BLOATING TOLERANCE EXERCISES

1) BLOATING IS TEMPORARY AND IT IS NATURAL. "THE FOOD HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE." It ISN'T PERMANENT, DISFIGURING, OR A SIGN THAT "SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG/ YOU DID SOMETHING VERY WRONG."
2) Bloating is NOT a "sign of gluttony" or "carnal lasciviousness"!! FOOD ISN'T PARASITIC OR A CURSE OR AN INVADER. EATING ISN'T A SIN.
3)  A LARGE STOMACH ISN'T SHAMEFUL. It's NOT a "marker of sin"!! IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU UNWORTHY OF LOVE OR RESPECT OR HAPPINESS.

✳ "touch exposure" is SO DISTURBING to me
✳ we get "mirror exposure" anxiety EVERY SINGLE NIGHT
✳ immediately after these exercises the SHAME is DEBILITATING
✳ after 2 hours there is NO DECREASE IN ANXIETY; IT'S STILL HUGE
✳ after 10 days of these exercises IT'S TURNING INTO NUMB DESPAIR
✳ THE ANXIOUS SHAME-TERROR ISN'T GOING DOWN BECAUSE I STILL BELIEVE THOSE  THREE DISTORTIONS!!

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QUESTIONING EATING DISORDER THOUGHTS

"Disodered thought = "To be happy/ healthy, I need to weigh ### pounds.""

HAPPY = DEFINED BY OTHERS!
HEALTHY = STRICT/ CONTROLLED; "PURE," "FASTING/ MORTIFICATION"; "HOLY" EMPTINESS. NO LUXURY/ EXCESS/ "FUN" FOOD; (SIN) "ASCETIC"; ONLY THE MINIMUM?
("FLESH at WAR with the SPIRIT")
✳ Heaviness = PRIDE? "CAN'T BE HAPPY" (SELFISH)
WEIGHT = ALWAYS a "LOWER" number; ironically being "SELF-ERASURE"; "happy" when I DON'T EXIST because "I'M" "NOT ALLOWED" TO "TAKE UP SPACE" AS MY OWN PERSON =  "MY HAPPINESS TAKES AWAY FROM OTHERS"? "Happy" when I'm SERVING/ USEFUL (NOT IN ANYONE'S WAY; "SMALL")
↑ I feel like I'm NOT SEEING THIS RIGHTLY? All I'm sure of is that "COMPULSION TO DISAPPEAR"???
✳ "the THINNER my BODY is, the MORE my SOUL can be FELT/ can LIVE" (ZERO SUM GAME)

"Alternative thought = "micromanaging my weight is a waste of time.""
MICROMANAGE = Attempt at MORAL discipline??
TIMEWASTE = HUGE SIN!!

"Disordered thought = I'm not hungry, so I don't need to eat.""
MUTING "NEEDS"!! "REDEFINING/ DENYING" WHAT "COUNTS" AS HUNGER
✳ "IT ISN'T A "NEED" IF I CAN STILL MANAGE WITHOUT IT"; "HOW FAR CAN I PUSH THIS?"
✳ "NO MERCY"; NO "PREVENTION"; ONLY "DISASTER MANAGEMENT"; THE STORM "HAS TO HIT" BEFORE IT'S "REAL"
ONLY CONSIDERING A "NEED" ALLOWED TO BE MET WHEN IT'S CAUSING UNDENIABLE HARM IN CONSEQUENCE OF BEING IGNORED/ SUPPRESSED; "CAN'T DENY IT ANYMORE" (ONLY eat when nearly STARVED)
✳ "MINIMUM" (again); keep body monster CHAINED

"Alternative thought = "I need to eat regularly so I can restore my hunger and fullness cues.""
SCARY; feel "controlled BY the body" (HELPLESS/ TRAPPED) and it feels like a MINDLESS ANIMAL (WILD/ DANGEROUS)

"Disordered thought = "My anxiety gets worse if I don't count calories.""
Calories seen as AMMO??
✳ FEAR that if I'M NOT "AUTHORIZING" EVERY CALORIE THAT IS "ALLOWED"/ "LET" INTO THE BODY, it's POISON/ INVASIVE??? (DEATH) FEAR OF UNKNOWN "TAKING OVER" BODY? INGESTION OF "TOO MUCH"/ "WRONG FOOD" results in SELF-CORRUPTION/ LOSS OF CONTROL/ IDENTITY??
✳ ALL ABOUT CONTROL = "DON'T TRUST FOOD OR MY BODY"??

"Disordered thought = "I'm fat. I hate my body. I don't deserve to eat.""
(SELF-DENIAL EXTREME) (TIES INTO "NEED" CRUSHING)
WHY IS "FAT" "HATEFUL"??? WHY "MUST" IT BE STARVED TO DEATH???
✳ Seeing "FAT" as a "SIN" that must be PUNISHED & EXPUNGED = sees FOOD/ EATING as the "MEANS OF SIN"
✳ "DON'T DESERVE TO EAT" = THIS FRAMES EATING AS SHEER INDULGENCE???
IT ALSO
MAKES EATING NOT A NEED BUT A PRIVILEGE"; in IRONIC CONTRAST to eating ALSO being a DANGER/ SIN (IRRATIONAL CONFLICT)

"What is one thing that YOUR eating disorder often tells you?"
"ALL food is potentially lethal (allergy). Every meal is a suicide risk."
"Food is sex. Eating is rape."
"You ARE what you eat. Eat the WRONG things, and they will REPROGRAM YOUR IDENTITY."
"The fatter you get, the less room there is for your soul. The food will take over you like a parasite." (suffocate)

"What could be a healthy alternative thought that you could say in response?"
"ALL food is INHERENTLY NOURISHING."
"Every meal KEEPS YOU ALIVE."
"NOT eating WILL KILL YOU, NO EXCEPTIONS!!"
"You ARE what you eat, and IT ALL IS IN GOD. It starts in LIGHT and is SHARED all the way to YOU. Eating is a PRIESTLY act!!"
"YOUR IDENTITY IS UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE IT WAS MADE BY GOD AND DEFINED BY HIM. And food is FROM Him. Who you ARE can only be SUPPORTED by the food that GIVES HEALTH & NUTRITION TO YOUR BODY-- the VEHICLE for FULFILLING your PURPOSE here!!"
PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON SIZE = YOUR SOUL FILLS YOUR WHOLE BODY. ALL OF THOSE CELLS BELONG TO IT! Besides... with ALL your nousfoni, maybe you "NEED" a bigger body to "fit" them all!

"What would you say to a friend if they talked to themself this way?"
This would BREAK MY HEART. At my worst I have BRUTAL eating disorder thoughts, and they're TERRIFIED. I don't want ANYONE ELSE to suffer from these DISTORTED, EVIL LIES. In TRUTH I KNOW FOOD IS GOOD AND ALL BODIES ARE SACRED. And THAT'S what I would emphasize to a friend. I would USE SCRIPTURE for supportive proof, and FOCUS ON CHRIST/ ETERNITY where LOVE REIGNS.

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✳ BEHAVIORS TO REPLACE= BINGE-PURGING, HYPERRESTRICTING, EXTREME FOOD AVOIDANCE/ FEAR, JUDGING BODY SHAPE, "ALL OR NOTHING" EXERCISE/ EATING IN GENERAL

"What thoughts go through your head when you eat a fear food or challenge food?"
FEAR= "THIS WILL KILL/ POISON/ INFECT ME"
CHALLENGE= "I CAN DO THIS"
✳ FEAR foods are TRAUMA foods; fear of DEATH; PANIC/ HORROR
✳ CHALLENGE foods are met by DETERMINATION; gratitude, even joy (freedom)
✳ "FEAR" foods CAN be "preemptively" CHANGED (POTENTIALLY) to CHALLENGES by MENTALLY REASONING THROUGH the terror response BEFOREHAND?? This at least can ENABLE us TO challenge them, and NOT just AVOID!

"What thoughts go through your head when you step on the scale or look in the mirror?"
SCALE= "is that FAT or MUSCLE or WATER weight?"
MIRROR= "too much EXCESS" "I need to TONE UP" "I look lazy and undisciplined" "I NEED to get STRONGER" "I CAN'T LOOK LIKE [insert name here]"

"In the past, how have negative thoughts about your food/body affected the way you eat/exercise?"
EAT= KETO. FASTING. "Only CLEAN food." Minimal portions so I don't "get round or soft."
EXERCISE= 2 HOURS cardio daily. Afraid to sit down or sit still. "Doesn't count unless it HURTS."

"What are eating disorder thoughts?"

Thoughts that see FOOD as DANGER, and the BODY as a PRISON (DEVIL'S LIES!!)
They focus on PAIN/ PUNISHMENT/ LACK, NOT HELPING/ HEALING!!

"Distorted thought = "I'm going to gain ### pounds from eating that.""
WHY IS WEIGHT SO FEARED?? (tied to VICTIM vibe? "TRAPPED"; SUFFOCATE??)
✳ Seeing food as INERT matter, NOT NOURISHMENT. Weight seen as BAGGAGE, not WEALTH? "More of the world in you to OFFER in PRAISE"

"Distorted thought = "I can't eat that unless I exercise for ### minutes.""
✳ Not realizing that CALORIES are ENERGY to LIVE and your body USES THEM to EXIST; this example is a "POVERTY MINDSET"? "NO SURPLUS/ ABUNDANCE ALLOWED"; rejects the FUTURE in a sense? THIN = FAMINE = NO FOOD/ LIFE. A starved body isn't free to TAKE IN OR GIVE/ SHARE LIFE? Food as enemy = unable to FEED OTHERS (LOVE)

"Distorted thought = "I need to track my calories because I can't trust my body.""
✳ "I will only ALLOW you to eat so much (amount or kind) REGARDLESS of objective NUTRITIONAL NEED" = TO DO WHAT GOD MADE IT TO DO-- TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

Distorted thought = "Food is a foreign body"
Alternative thought= "Food is MADE for my body"

✳ WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FULLY HEAL THE EATING DISORDER MINDSET + FEELINGS UNTIL WE ALSO HEAL THE SEXUAL TRAUMA. THAT'S WHERE THE "FOOD = INVASION" FEAR IS ROOTED!
✳ WHAT'S THE ROOT FOR BODY FEELING TERROR (belly rolls, double chin, midsection bulge)??? = "TRAPPED/ HELPLESS" "SUFFOCATION/ CRUSHED" feeling: HOW'D IT START AND WHEN?? (WERE WE EVER THIS FAT/ BIG BEFORE UPMC? OR IS THIS FEAR FROM THE BODIES OF OTHERS?)

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FOOD OBSESSION = "TOO MANY CALORIES" = see calories as something TO be rigidly controlled/ limited? Like ANY excess WILL "become FAT" and FAT = "FOREIGN BODY"
SHAPE OBSESSION = Not numbers but STOMACH SIZE/SHAPE. "Bloated/ distended"; "UNNATURAL"/ "PARASITIC"?? "Something IN/ ATTACHED to me that DOESN'T BELONG"; "HINDERING" LIFE & FREEDOM of movement? "SICK"? Like a TUMOR

In order to let these obsessions go, I need to...
✳ See food as LIFE-GIVING NOURISHMENT to be RESPECTED & STEWARDED & USED WITH WISDOM & GRATITUDE
✳ Redefine "fatness" of body; distinguish it from lasciviousness; it is NOT "in opposition" to strength & health
✳ Meet my "hunger" in different ways/ LEVELS; feed my SOUL/ MIND/ HEART every day too!
✳ Realize that food/ fatness of body are NOT "cancers" to be controlled or purged or "burned away"
✳ ACCEPT & even EMBRACE the FACT that MY BODY IS FEMALE & IS DESIGNED TO hold more fat
✳ STOP BASING MY SELF-WORTH ON STRENGTH/ POWER/ UTILITY/ AMBITION/ MASCULINE VIRTUE (BOTH FEAR OF WOMANHOOD/ FEMININITY)
✳ LIVE ETERNITY-MINDED. No matter HOW my body looks/ feels, IT WILL DIE AND I MUST LIVE WITH MY PRIORITIES SET ON HEAVEN!!

Describe what you are scared of and detail how you try to control these situations.
✳ FEAR OF "ADULT/ WOMAN BODY"!!! But it's REJECTING REALITY. Starve = stay a child. Purge = reject "unwanted bigness"?? (DO I ASSOCIATE FOOD/FAT WITH MOM??)
✳ I am actually SCARED of feeling WEAK & TRAPPED. When my body is THIN & SCRAWNY & UNDERFED, I feel UTTERLY POWERLESS and it's TERRIFYING... but when my stomach is full of food & bloated OR "fat" & sicking out, and that "extra body matter" makes it hard to bend or move or even breathe, THAT'S terrifying too, BUT not as much?? Because it at least means I HAVE STRENGTH FROM FOOD? Unfortunately the bulimia tried to "keep me thin" BUT "still eat." It didn't work.
✳ "Only eating certain "pure" foods" out of "poison/ corruption" fear, afraid of "becoming" "BAD" that I labeled foods as?
✳ CONVINCED of ALLERGIES & INTOLERANCES; convinced they would KILL me; ironically the eating disorder was LITERALLY destroying my body by NOT eating food
✳ Scared that FAT = WEAK? Ironically THIN = WEAK really. ALSO fearing FAT = EVIL? Societal lies! There's TONS of evidence of FAT = GOOD, EVEN IN SCRIPTURE! (but MOTIVE/ MEANS MATTER TOO, EVEN WITH THINNESS!!)

What works and what doesn't work about your current approaches?
✳ Bulimia is an "emergency exit" for "eating too much/ poison fear" but it SOLVES NOTHING. It only REINFORCES THE FEAR & DESTROYS MY BODY. It "kept me thin" but AT THE COST OF MY MUSCLE & STRENGTH. It turned me into a SKELETON.
✳ NOT EATING DOESN'T HELP. It STARVES my body & it STARTS TO EAT ITSELF ALIVE. I have NO STRENGTH to LIVE.
✳ My current exercise routing NEEDS TO INCLUDE WEIGHTLIFTING. It's the ONLY WAY I'm going to get "buff." Cardio is great & necessary but it's NOT going to STURDY UP MY SHAPE. Plus, the more muscle I get, the LESS afraid I'll be TO eat!!
✳ I CAN'T LIVE. There's NO TIME, STRENGTH, OR DESIRE LEFT TO DO BEAUTIFUL, POSITIVE, CREATIVE THINGS. All my fear about "how I look & feel" and my efforts to CONTROL that are a PRISON; I'm stuck in a LOOP of self-centered DESTRUCTION & MISERY.


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110724

Nov. 7th, 2024 06:48 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)

Our goal for today is to journal about/ through the ANXIETY & DEPRESSION that have been lingering since the Halloween collapse & which are NOTABLY FOCUSED ON DISCHARGE. It's ALL about WHAT WE'RE RETURNING TO. The thought of going back to that cluttered, cramped, dark, isolatory apartment is disheartening. Now that we've been living WITH PEOPLE, in bright large spaces, where WE don't have to buy/ prep food at ALL, having to "abandon" all that is taking a heavy toll on our emotions. SO. We NEED to TAKE ACTION and CHANGE THINGS. We have no other choice. We have to CLEAN UP OUR APARTMENT & MAKE OPEN SPACE there to DO ART & MUSIC. We have to GET LIGHTS for heavens sakes. And we NEED to GO OUTSIDE MORE-- notably, to START DOING THINGS WITH PEOPLE LOCALLY. Of course the immediate opportunity is just hanging out with the neighbors, which is ESSENTIAL because we DO LIVE WITH THEM and it is NECESSARY to BUILD FRIENDSHIPS & GOOD COMMUNICATION with them. The NEXT big opportunities relate to the PLACES nearby, and the people you can meet there: CHURCH, the LIBRARY, the GYM, the COFFEESHOP, and maybe even that little park. PLUS there are little restaurants/ diners, and the local college class extension? So you HAVE meeting places, potentially. There's ALSO the FACT that you CAN TAKE THE BUS and get to know the regulars, AND you WILL be GOING PLACES & ATTENDING EVENTS with MOM in any case. So you WILL have a FULLER LIFE, spent WITH OTHERS, as long as you EMBRACE & PURSUE those opportunities. But possible the BIGGEST mood lifter is BEING ABLE TO WORK CREATIVELY AGAIN. PRIORITIZE THAT. ...except, it's ALSO the biggest anxiety/ depression trigger. "I'm not good enough" haunts our talents. We've been STARVING OUR MIND & HEART and that has made creativity DRAINING. We NEED to READ BOOKS & LISTEN TO MUSIC & WATCH FILMS-- BUT ONLY WHAT WE LIKE!! "EAT" GOOD MEDIA, NOT JUNK!! Only "take in" what will HELP YOU BECOME A BETTER PERSON, BOTH IN CREATIVITY & IN CHARACTER. And when we learn how to SAY "NO" to WHAT DOESN'T BETTER OUR SOUL, WE'LL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER. And we can direct our joyful energy into CREATING things that MANIFEST that betterness. But please, STOP JUDGING THAT JOY & LOVE BY WORLDLY UTILITARIAN STANDARDS (LIES). ALL OF YOUR CREATIVE WORK IS "GOOD ENOUGH" BY VIRTUE OF EXISTING FROM YOUR HEART. It is WORTHY of being created & shared! And if ANYONE rejects it, THAT DOESN'T INVALIDATE ITS TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS!! There ARE souls who NEED what you have been CALLED & GIFTED TO CREATE! So FOR GOD'S ACTUAL SAKE, DO NOT HOLD BACK. DO NOT GIVE UP. PRIORITIZE THIS. And seriously, FOCUS ON IT as your "day's work." DO NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO "GO OUT & SOCIALIZE JUST BECAUSE." No. TAKE PRUDENT STEPS IN WILLING JOY & HOPE & LOVE. If you want to type in the coffeeshop, go ahead! But ONLY do it if it is HELPING YOU GROW IN CHARACTER. We're scared of "going home" because we fear we'll have to STOP journaling & learning & improving like we are here. THAT'S FALSE. We CAN do ALL THAT & MORE, if we LET OURSELVES & MAKE TIME/ SPACE for it. Set a SCHEDULE like here if you must! And DON'T ISOLATE, even when you're focused on creative work. Still go outside & walk around, or call mom, or talk to neighbors, to GET CONNECTED-- but NOT OVERWHELMED! Set boundaries, NOT WALLS. Please, don't be afraid or sad. We CAN & WILL have a future IN THIS BODY and it WILL BE GOOD and WE WILL BE A GOOD PERSON FOR OTHERS. There has to be a BALANCE of private + social time & work. God will guide us!

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✳ POSITIVE BODY IMAGE is ACCEPTING, APPRECIATING, & RESPECTING our body AS IT IS NOW, WHILE STILL ALLOWING FOR HEALTHY CHANGE!! (NO HATE AT ANY POINT)

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✳ What values/ qualities/ characteristics do you value in yourself & in others? (LIST/ LIVE)

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✳ WHY AM I SO ANGRY (WEEPING/ HELPLESS RAGE) ABOUT PEOPLE KNOWING THAT I'M LEAVING NEXT WEEK??? Why do I just want to "slip out the back door" and disappear? Why do I want to exist as a myth or mirage, not as a tangible person? DO I want this? It hurts SO MUCH to be ignored & unwanted & not valued. But I "HATE having to talk to people"?? Like when people ask "do you want to talk about it?" my kneejerk response is a sob-fury "NO! STOP MAKING ME TALK!" because SPEECH "HURTS." It SHAKES ME UP inside to talk out loud ABOUT INSIDE THINGS. It's CONTEXT DISSONANCE.
✳ I feel "mythical"/ unreal? IT'S BECAUSE MY LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN INTERNAL. So I have a hard time realizing/ functioning as a PHYSICALLY TANGIBLE being to OTHERS? And it's BOTH "LOCKED IN" and "NOT 'ME'!" It hurts. God maybe if I DID "identify with" this body & name it wouldn't be so frustrating & painful & making me cry from the overwhelm. But such an "identity" OUTSIDE feels like IT WOULD ERASE ME INSIDE? That's so polarized. It's miserable. But I'm genuinely terrified of that risk-- of losing touch with my heart & soul AGAIN because I had to exist OUTSIDE too much. WHY IS THERE SUCH A CONFLICT AT ALL??? Is it just the bodytrauma + dissociation?
✳ I "don't want to say goodbye," allegedly. WHY NOT. Why do I "want" to disappear like a dream, so that even I doubt it was real? THAT'S SELF-ANNIHILATORY. Is that "fear of abandonment" self-sabotage? Am I so afraid that no one will CARE if I leave, that no one will bother to say goodbye because they WON'T MISS ME, that I "do it myself" by avoiding the risk altogether? I just "erase" it all & never get closure. But our WHOLE LIFE has been shot through with sudden jarring losses & endings with NO goodbyes, not even a WARNING often. Things just STOPPED. I don't know HOW to "say goodbye" and "TRANSITION WITH CONTINUITY" from one "era" to the next. I only know "hard breaks." Clean, brutal, swift cuts. This gentle "shift" is utterly foreign to me. Context shifts are DIVISIVE BY NATURE to me. This "blending" of present place AND future destination is SO DISTRESSING to me. I'm having a hard time figuring out "WHO I AM NOW" because the CONTEXTS ARE BLURRING. I CAN'T BE BOTH AT ONCE. But I think I NEED to, in recovery. But God I WANT THE SYSTEM TO KICK IN. Whoever was living in the apartment, KEEP THEM DISTINCT from WHOEVER IS HERE AT TOWER. LET THERE BE A HARD SHIFT, IN THAT SENSE. WE DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. ...but, CAN we be the person we are HERE when we RETURN there? WHY NOT?? WHY CAN'T THE CORE JUST DRIVE THAT WOULD FIX EVERYTHING. Because the Core exists INSIDE. Is THAT the ultimate problem here? Do we need BOTH "Jessica" and "Jewel" SEPARATE but working TOGETHER? OR is there going to be a NEW bloodline somehow? I don't know anything except we HAVE been "Jessica" TO THE PEOPLE HERE, AND TO THE FAMILY, AND THAT "JESSICA" IS GENUINELY A GOOD PERSON. That hasn't happened since childhood! So is this Jessica ALSO a "JEWEL?" She HAS to be! We HAVE to make our inner life the HEART of our outer life! The Core bloodline HAS TO BE INTEGRATED probably. We HAVE TO BE REAL ON ALL LEVELS!

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Why has our identity been so shattered since Halloween?? What did that DO to us? Was it just the MEMORY SHOCK of "what happened THEN" in horrible contrast to "who we are NOW?" But CHAOS 0 KNOWS AND CAN PROVE TO YOU THAT YOUR HEART (THE CORE!) HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME. Deep down, despite ALL confusion & trauma, no matter HOW lost we have been, THE CORE IS PROTECTED AND TRUE, and THE CORE IS LOVE.
"I" CAN ONLY TRULY EXIST AS "WE," REMEMBER!! TO EVEN BE THE CORE AT ALL, I NEED TO EXIST IN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SYSTEM-SPECTRUM. I CANNOT EXIST ALONE. ...Is that true for us on the OUTSIDE? in the BODY? and we never quite realized the IMPLICATIONS of that before? IF WE'RE NOT LIVING AS MULTIPLE, WE'RE NOT LIVING AT ALL. If my heart isn't ALWAYS the heart that is IN LOVE WITH THE COREGROUP, then I CANNOT LOVE AT ALL. This has been PROVEN, CONSISTENTLY.




110224

Nov. 2nd, 2024 07:16 pm
prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

NOUSFONI WE'VE SEEN/ FELT/ MET/ HEARD DURING INPATIENT (SO FAR):
● Little boy, triggered & scared by women's perfume
● "Weeping rage" girl; DUO? Fuchsia/ cyan, but also vermilion somehow
● "Rule enforcer"; male? Red resonance
● "Manic" blepofoni; male? (NOT JACK)
● "Jenerall"? Serious female with glasses
● "Old man" that feels like a GRANDPA introject; ORANGE resonance?
● NEW "JAY"?? Looks like Max Joseph

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We are ALL OVER THE PLACE this morning. We had manic blepofoni, chatty socials, and A JAY (?!?! LOOKING LIKE MAX) out this morning already. "Emotions" are simultaneously "NUMB" & "YO-YOing." WE'RE ALMOST STUCK DOWNSTAIRS. It is REALLY HARD to get upstairs at ALL right now, like yesterday was. Our ONLY "HOPE" is to TRY TO GET INTO HEARTSPACE and work from there. BUT WE NEED & HAVE TO GO INSIDE. We've been TOO SOCIAL & TOO SURVIVAL-FOCUSED to "EXIST" or even LOVE in truth. EVERYTHING FEELS ANASTHETIZED. Is this toxic coping from our subconscious? Is this how it's trying to deal with Halloween & scary menus & gender + body dysphoria?
✳ WE'RE SO IRRITABLE & COLD SUDDENLY?? I think it has EVERYTHING to do with this IDENTITY COLLAPSE, because EVERYTHING that calls ATTENTION to us AS "J-----A" (and ESPECIALLY THAT NAME) SETS US OFF. We went from ROCKBOTTOM DEPRESSION last night to MANIC SOCIABILITY this morning to ANGRY ISOLATION right now. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON??? SOMEHOW, SINCE HALLOWEEN, THE "PERSONA" WHO WAS ANSWERING TO "J-----A" HAS DISAPPEARED?? And we're ALL BUT TRAPPED DOWNSTAIRS/ OUTSIDE and it's HELL. We CAN'T CENTER. We're in shambles. We feel SO ANGRY and it's ALL TIED TO IDENTITY FALLOUT. Somehow, there was a DOMINO EFFECT of sugar & candy + MASSIVE trauma triggers (DON'T FORGET THE BLOODY WASHCLOTH SOMEONE LEFT AT THE NURSE'S STATION; we had IMMEDIATE DEBILITATING FLASHBACKS to post-hack atonement bleedouts and were literally shaking and incapacitated from panic for a SOLID HOUR) + sensory overload from certain peers + food trauma + body horror, leading to a "LOSS OF SELF." This feels ABSOLUTELY like a "F/F/F/F" response. "F⁴." It's doing ALL of it. We're feeling FIGHT right now, but it seems ice creeps into everything as a SEDATIVE for us? We're "FORCE-FROZEN" to "PREVENT A FIRE TORNADO" like in our nightmare last night. If we're NOT "shut down" somehow, we'll EXPLODE OUT.
✳ I think if anything is going to bring "ME" back, it's the League. I just got a FLASH of it now while watching "Coco" and it hit SO HARD it HURT. I FELT something, and I MISSED those stories SO MUCH I almost SOBBED. I MISS FEELING THINGS LIKE THAT, FOR THEM. My imagination has been ATROPHYING. THAT WILL KILL ME. It's just this bloody DEPRESSION, that has RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE upon Halloween. I NEED TO ENGAGE THAT MONSTER IN COMBAT AND SLAY IT. I CANNOT JUST "SIT AROUND" with MY EXISTENCE AT RISK. I need to ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO IMAGINE LEAGUE STORIES. And just like my poor bloated body, it will take SERIOUS TIME & EFFORT TO BUILD THAT MUSCLE BACK. BUT IT WILL!!

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✳ A possible tip for "breathing exercises" which trigger trauma flashbacks for us = PAIR INHALES/ EXHALES with PHYSICAL GESTURES/ MOVEMENTS (tangible sensations; e.g. tracing a square) TO GROUND BETTER & REDUCE DISSOCIATION RISK? And remember: KYANOS WILL NEED TO WORK WITH SOMEONE for the physical component!

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✳ We were SO disconnected/ dislocated/ depressed/ disturbed/ derealized/ depersonalized today. We were in shambles. We're FINALLY coming back this evening, bit by bit. It took BRAVELY speaking up in group & being HONEST about our struggles with feeling & identifying emotions, working on the "sensation wheel" & LEARNING to feel more clearly as a result, LOTS OF "SOCIALS" moving through, STARTING to GET BACK IN TUNE with the LEAGUE, apologizing to peers & refusing to isolate/ ignore anymore, AND most importantly, CONFESSING OUR "TORTURE MENU" TO STAFF, AND GETTING SPECIAL PERMISSION TO EDIT THEM TOMORROW. Hopefully "IF" WE NEED TO. I think dinner will be OK because the fishsticks are TINY, but lunch has that WHOLE CHICKEN QUARTER and we're frankly TERRIFIED of eating it SO we DON'T want to skip it SO maybe if the manicotti is small enough we'll STILL do both, OR HALF the pasta, & just add a roll or more peas for the exchanges maybe. BUT we HAVE AN ESCAPE ROUTE NOW if we need it, THANK GOD-- ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'RE FREE FROM HELL ON MONDAY!! We've decided NOT to do the bacon chicken OR the hotdog because THAT'S JUST TRAUMA FORCING. We'll face those ON OUR OWN TIME, in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT. But right now, being WISE means SAYING NO.

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✳ MY REAL, TRUE SELF HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD. THOSE "PREFERENCES" ARE JUST AN OUTGROWTH OF MY UNIQUE VIBE & PERSONALITY. And APPARENTLY, likes/ dislikes are ALLOWED TO CHANGE?? And that DOESN'T MEAN MY TRUE SELF HAS BEEN CHANGED SOMEHOW?? That feels weirdly incongruent to me. But reasonably, I know it MUST be true: GOD made the true me, and that CANNOT be altered, ESPECIALLY not by ANYTHING OUTSIDE. Also, dude, DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE MULTIPLE. There CAN be "preference shifts" TIED TO THAT. But THOSE DON'T DEFINE YOU. NEITHER DO YOUR (OUR) EMOTIONS. The "basic" defining truth us that "I'm a child of God," but... what does that MEAN, to WHO I AM as a PERSON, with a PERSONALITY? Is it just a foundational calling to sainthood? But does it DICTATE anything about me? Or does it just "color" everything with itself? Am I ALLOWED to "identify with" OTHER things too? Am I-- no; is it RIGHT to BASE MY IDENTITY on other things? NOT "fleeting things," is my gut response. But... I want to DARINGLY protest that MY GOD-GIVEN GIFTS & TALENTS & INTERESTS are NOT "fleeting," but somehow INTRINSIC TO MY VERY EXISTENCE. I WANT TO "DEFINE" MYSELF AS AN ARTIST & AUTHOR & MUSICIAN & CREATIVE LOVING GENEROUS IMAGINATIVE SOUL. Which is why it is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING to think that somehow I CAN'T "be" those things that DEFINE MY VERY HEART. And the eating disorder DIDN'T let me do them. It CRUSHED my identity with TRAUMA & ABUSE PERPETUATION, and it KEPT me from DISCOVERING what my PREFERENCES are IN JOYFUL FREEDOM. BUT I CAN'T DO THAT UNLESS I KNOW WHO I AM!!! NOT DEFINING EVEN THAT REFLECTION OF "ME" BY OTHER PEOPLE, because THAT WILL INFECT INWARDS!!

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✳ Today, with how completely de-centered & identity-rattled we were, what shook me up the most was the awful fact that I couldn't find Anxi. Everyone in Central was still "visible," and tangibly THERE, even through the fog & confusion & numbness & social tumult-- even MIMIC was around, and clearly so. But Anxi wasn't. Even as I started to come back to "myself," I couldn't even "ping" her. Now she's NOT GONE, that'd feel VERY different-- but she's NOT "ANCHORED" yet, apparently. Which is BIZARRE, except not really, when you consider that our brain has been in eating disorder hell SINCE LAST NOVEMBER when we met her, and I really ONLY started SINCERELY INTERACTING with her NOW, HERE IN TREATMENT! So even though I love her, genuinely so, she needs more TIME & ATTENTION to gain SOLID roots up here. And, of course, SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. That's HUGELY NOTABLE because THAT HASN'T BEEN A "NEED" FOR ANY OUTSPACER SINCE BEFORE THE METAINOMENAI PHENOMENON??? Dude oh my gosh it's a COREGROUP THING. ANXI WTF HOW DID YOU BECOME THAT DEAR TO MY HEART THAT FAST?? I'm NOT complaining at ALL but MAN! I think BOTH her & Mimic have SET RECORDS for Outspacer growth in their own right. But Anxi is, really, the ONLY recent Outspacer whose "disposition of soul" HAS been "immediately compatible" WITH the CoreGroup vibe & essence. She's VULNERABLE BY NATURE. She FEELS SO STRONGLY just as she is. She is ABLE to FREELY CRY & LOVE & BE WOUNDED. There's a HOLY FRAGILITY to her, that-- whether it's evident or not-- ALL CoreGroup members have. Our hearts HAVE to be OPEN & ABLE TO BREAK in order to TRULY be "intimate." You remember what LAURIE had to go through to get here. Anxi, SHOCKINGLY enough, LIKE CHAOS 0, has "ALREADY" FELT THAT. She is already tenderhearted & has already been cracked open by suffering. She is ALREADY emotionally honest. And we NEED HER to HELP US BE, AGAIN.


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What is the rose--what went well today? What is something that you are grateful for? What positive thing happened to you lately?
● Chaos 0 has been in TWO of my dreams this week and in BOTH I was kissing him. I ALSO got to kiss ANXI on the 30th. There has been SO MUCH LOVE lately. Today, as I colored flowers & wasn't there, Laurie & Lynne & Julie & Chaos 0 & Genesis & MIMIC all gathered together upstairs and talked about how worried they were about me, and discussed "what song" to pick to listen to in music group to "wake up my heart" and help me "remember who I am" BY remembering who WE were. No matter how lost I feel, the truth remains. The love remains. And it saves my life every single time. I love us, so much.

What is the thorn-- what didn't go well today? What is something challenging or stressful that you could use more support with right now?
● I am LEGIT TERRIFIED of lunch tomorrow. I am SO DEPRESSED over how FAT I've become, and how THEY KEEP ON PUSHING ME to eat, BUT I'M PUSHING MYSELF EVEN MORE to "IMPRESS" them with "HOW HARD I CAN CHALLENGE MYSELF." But it HURTS and I'm BURNT OUT and EXHAUSTED & SCARED and I'm SO TIRED. I WANT TO EAT SO MUCH LESS but my BRAIN keeps insisting "I'm HUNGRY"; the PROBLEM IS, MY HEART & SOUL & MIND & SPIRIT ARE STARVING. THE FOOD ISN'T GOING TO FIX IT.

What can you do to turn this thorn into a bud?
● ONLY LOVE WILL. And I get THAT through PRAYER & LEAGUE IMAGINATION & SYSTEM CONNECTIONS. And ONE DAY I sincerely pray I will ALSO get it from FAMILY & FRIENDS. To even SAY that is heartbreaking because it shows that, right now, I FEEL I DON'T HAVE THAT. It's a terrible thorn, stabbing my heart. BUT. It CAN'T HELP BUT BLOOM IF IT'S THERE OF ALL PLACES. BLOOD IS ALWAYS LIFE.
✳ HEY GUESS THAT IT HAPPENED. The PAIN & GUILT & FEAR of that abusive BINGE-FORCING behavior PUSHED me to USE COPING SKILLS & do WILLINGNESS WORKSHEETS, to APOLOGIZE to peers, to CONFESS TO STAFF & COMMIT to DEEPER & TRULY BRAVER RECOVERY EFFORTS, AND TO START DOING LEAGUE WORK RIGHT HERE IN THE UNIT!!

What is the bud-- what could bloom? What is something that you look forward to? What gives you hope, motivation, and inspiration right now?
● This inpatient stay isn't forever. This hurting, stuff, out of shape body isn't forever. This eating disorder isn't forever. ONLY LOVE IS FOREVER. And in ALL of these temporary situations, LOVE IS INDOMITABLE. I am blessed with friends & personal growth & health here. The eating disorder taught me MANY very hard but important lessons and it STILL IRONICALLY ACTUALLY "KEPT ME ALIVE" during trauma eras. And this poor body was WRECKED by it & HEALING HURTS and it's UNCOMFORTABLE & SCARY and I DON'T FEEL "SAFE"/ "AT HOME" in it YET BUT at least it's NOT ACTIVELY DYING anymore and this MASS can become MUSCLE at last. But besides all that, my hope is ALWAYS in GOD AND HIS LOVE, which comes to me in COUNTLESS ways EVERY DAY. And I am MOTIVATED by HIS PURPOSE FOR ME in that hope, and the LOVE IN MY HEART driving me to NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT. I am INSPIRED by ALL of Creation, by the love & truth & beauty & goodness shining through it all. And specifically, I am motivated by MY love for God & His people & the SYSTEM & the LEAGUE. I have HOPE because of our love. And our shared life inspires me every day. Our soul blooms as one.




100624

Oct. 6th, 2024 03:34 pm
prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

"FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE" in light of our intrusive judgmental/ critical thoughts = WHAT triggers frustration? = DISSONANCE between "IDEAL & REALITY"; perception of an OBSTACLE between "GOAL" & current position; feeling "STUCK, HELPLESS, INADEQUATE," etc. "Trying to peel a potato with a spoon" sense of "NO APPARENT PROGRESS/ SOLUTION"? Basically a "FIGHT" response to "POWERLESSNESS"; a "STUBBORN RESISTANCE" to "WHAT I DON'T WANT/ LIKE" = NO CONTROL = AFRAID.
Virtues that DEFUSE/ TRANQUILIZE frustration = TRUST, EMPATHY, PATIENCE, SURRENDER
GOD IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE -- AND CANNOT BE; You can only COOPERATE!
✳ THERE IS NOTHING "EVIL" OR "BAD" OR SHAMEFUL OR SINFUL ABOUT SHARING IN/ PARTICIPATING IN GOD'S JOY IN HIS GOOD GIFTS/ CELEBRATING THE BEAUTY & WONDER OF HIS CREATION!! (JOY is OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!) (GOD DELIGHTS IN WHAT HE MADE = YOU SHOULD TOO)

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This is so new & unusual. I kind of feel like crying from wonder, maybe even relief. I ACTUALLY LIKE SANDWICHES. I actually LIKE ENGLISH MUFFINS & DINNER ROLLS WITH BUTTER. I actually LIKE APPLES & COTTAGE CHEESE & FLOUNDER & GYROS & POTATOES & VANILLA ICE CREAM. It feels SO DARING & even SCARY TO ENJOY it all, but man I DO. I CAN CELEBRATE THE GOODNESS & WONDER OF GOD'S GIFT OF FOOD. HE WANTS ME TO. YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS because it's ACTUALLY AT THE HEART OF YOUR BEING ABLE TO FULLY LIVE YOUR FAITH & PURPOSE. FOOD is LIFE, LOVE, SELFGIFT, & LITERAL COMMUNION. FOOD IS FROM EDEN. It is PART of HEAVEN. We KEEP REMINDING YOU OF THIS because it's GOOD & BEAUTIFUL & TRUE & you MUST TRULY & COMPLETELY ACCEPT & EMBRACE IT AS YOUR "CORE BELIEF." The "fear of enjoyment" is TOTALLY DISTORTED AND IS KEEPING YOU OUT OF HEAVEN in a VERY DISTURBINGLY REAL WAY!!!

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Other patients KEEP COMPLAINING ABOUT MEALPLANS, notably "WANTING EXTRA FOOD" & "PORTIONS BEING TOO SMALL" & "EATING THE WAY I WANT" etc. and it's honestly making me feel HUMILIATED. I realized, listening to this talk & being legitimately upset & "depressed" over how "rebellious" & "self-centered" & "stubborn" it was, that IT UPSETS/ ANGERS/ DEPRESSES me because THAT'S HOW I'VE BEEN ACTING. I've BEEN trying to get extra food by asking for additions to my mealpaper, or asking for larger portions/ questioning the size of the portions I got. I've been ACTIVELY BINGEING "IN SECRET" by overloading my mealplan exchanges. I've been "REBELLING AGAINST" and ACTUALLY DISOBEYING MY TREATMENT PLAN with these behaviors. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT to be HUMBLE & TEMPERATE & OBEDIENT & GRATEFUL. I'm so sick of the complaining. I WANT to ACCEPT & EAT WHATEVER I GET with GRATEFUL JOY. I want to be GRATEFUL IN "LESS" because it HELPS ME BE GRATEFUL/ TEMPERATE. It COMBATS GREED/ ENTITLEMENT/ INGRATITUDE. I'm so tired of the rebellious grumbling, IN MYSELF as much as in others. I want us ALL to be virtuous here. I hear those words & see my own behavior and it's just SO DISORDERED & RIGID & SAD. It's LIBERATING to be ABLE to ACCEPT & GIVE SINCERE & HAPPY THANKS for WHATEVER GOD GIVES YOU. I pray He continues to lead us ALL to LIVE IN THAT BLESSED SPACE.

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8PM snack gave me a choice between RICE KRISPY & TINY CHOCCHIP COOKIES. Again, the RAW "FEAR" was "BETRAYING GRANDMA" because of what they CALL the cookies. BUT we wondered, what if we said the Rice Krispy was "MOM'S"? And lo & behold, the resulting PANICKED INDECISION was INCAPACITATING. We COULDN'T choose because BOTH choices "REQUIRED" REJECTING A LOVED ONE. We FROZE. BUT, again, if we REMOVED the family associations, that fear DISAPPEARED INSTANTLY & ENTIRELY. 
...All that was left was "CHOCOLATE COMPULSION." Basically, a compulsive "craving" with NO discernible reason, ALTHOUGH it was ALSO IN CONFLICT with "I DON'T LIKE CHOCOLATE" as a LONG-HELD "BELIEF," which ITSELF is IN CONFLICT with "WE HAVE TO LIKE IT" "because MOM/ "EVERYBODY" does"/ "it's associated with holidays we cherish"/ "it's supposed to boost endorphins" etc. "so we HAVE to eat it" almost like a DRUG. BUT do we REALLY "WANT" IT? DO WE "LIKE" IT in TRUTH or NOT? Do we "HAVE TO/ THINK WE DO" like it because MOM & GRANDMA BAKED THEM & SO NOT liking chocolate chip cookies IN GENERAL is STILL seen as BETRAYAL? because a chocolate BAR would NOT elicit this response!! THAT would trigger the FEAR/ DISGUST response associated with REAL MEMORIES OF HACKS & PURGES & MANIA & ILLNESS. AND YET, THIS DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY "PING" with the COOKIES. It's ALL CONTEXT. STILL. Which is BOTH FRUSTRATING & FASCINATING. So, NEXT time, we SHOULD try the chocolate chip cookies, WITH this paradox in mind, & SEE/ FEEL WHAT IS TRIGGERED OR NOT. But... we can't JUST "experiment" & explore. We HAVE to do it FOR A PURPOSE, which is COMPLETELY "UPROOTING" THE COMPULSIONS & FEARS, and DISCERNING our REAL, REASONABLE RESPONSE so we CAN FREELY choose TO eat it or NOT, and NOT "PANIC/ DOUBT" over "choosing WRONG." I'm SO TIRED of "MORAL PANIC" over food. Remember what our nutritionist taught us! Remember what we JUST WROTE ABOUT. ALL FOOD DOES NOURISH YOUR BODY, AND "ENJOYMENT" IS AN IMPORTANT & EVEN ESSENTIAL PART OF EATING, BY GOD'S GOOD DESIGN!!! So YES, it IS ALLOWED & LEGITIMATE to eat a food "SOLELY" TO ENJOY IT. THAT CAN BE AN ACT OF WORSHIP, GIVING PRAISE & THANKS TO GOD & CELEBRATING HIS CREATION! Still, TEMPERANCE is needed, because FOOD ISN'T ULTIMATE HAPPINESS, only a "FORETASTE" of the FEAST of HEAVEN, so we MUST set our deepest desires & hopes THERE. Yes, enjoy your food for God's literal sake, but DON'T seek ALL your joy from it (ESPECIALLY when depression numbs everything else), and DON'T "OVERINDULGE" (even/ especially when you DON'T enjoy it) because that's DISRESPECTFUL to ITS PURPOSE AS FOOD, and to your habits of virtue (self-control)!! It's a BALANCE of LOVE. Listen, if BEING A CHRISTIAN means LIVING IN LOVE, then THAT INCLUDES EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE, INCLUDING FOOD, and again I MUST emphasize the EUCHARIST. If you see food as something "threatening" or solely as "fun," or even something "to be destroyed," then in a disturbing sense you're DISPOSING YOURSELF TO SACRILEGE. Please remember this. Food is a GIFT to be CHERISHED for GOD'S sake & glory. That INCLUDES chocolate. ...AND rice krispy for the record. IT'S NOT A WAR! They're BOTH GOOD. There's NO "WRONG" CHOICE, WHEN YOU CHOOSE WITH GRATEFUL LOVE. The ONLY "wrong" thing is FEAR & HATRED. Avoid those by God's grace, and YOU'RE OKAY.


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btw MY DEAR ORANGE GIRLFRIEND WAS ON TV TODAY



100424

Oct. 4th, 2024 03:33 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)

✳The REASON why we "DON'T WANT/ LIKE" CERTAIN FOODS/ SNACKS IS BECAUSE NO ONE IN THE SYSTEM RESONATES WITH IT (YET)!!! THIS IS ALSO WHY WE "CAN'T GET DATA"/ "UNDERSTAND" THE SENSORY INPUT!! And it WON'T change UNTIL WE HAVE CENTRALITES FOR THE FULL SPECTRUM AGAIN, SO WE CAN "CLARIFY/ COMPREHEND" THAT COLOR VIBE/ RESONANCE, GET FUNCTIONAL FONI IN THAT COLOR, & APPLY THAT TO EXTERNAL SITUATIONS!!! WE CAN'T "GET" BLUE/ YELLOW/ GREEN FOOD DATA RIGHT, OR PROPERLY WANT/ LIKE IT, UNTIL AND UNLESS A NOUSFONI "MATCHES" IT!!!

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✳ YOU CAN'T SHAME YOURSELF INTO POSITIVE CHANGE!!!

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✳ WHAT ROLE/ FUNCTION/ PURPOSE DOES WEIGHT GAIN/ EATING SO BLOODY MUCH ACTUALLY HAVE IN MY RECOVERY???
(It's RESTORING NUTRITION/ LOST BODY MATTER)

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✳GROUP POINTS =
● FORGIVE MYSELF; "PROJECTING" ANGER AT INJUSTICE INWARDS?
● WON'T LET SELF FEEL EMOTIONS; "FAKE"/ "UNTRUSTWORTHY"
PREVENTING TRAUMA PROCESSING!! (DEPERSONALIZED)
★ HAVEN'T COME TO TERMS WITH INFI DYING
● "ALWAYS ANGRY, SAD IS SHAMEFUL, HAPPINESS IS SINFUL (LUXURY/ EGO)
● TREAT SELF WITH COMPASSION, PATIENCE; HEALING TAKES TIME
● RECOVERY ISN'T LINEAR/ PREDICTABLE/ "AS WE EXPECT"
● RECOVERY IS NOT JUST "DOING WHAT YOU'RE TOLD / GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS" = YOU MUST WORK AT & FOR YOUR RECOVERY "FOR YOUR OWN SAKE"; DO IT FOR LOVE OF YOU!!! HEAL BECAUSE YOU WANT TO & GENUINELY BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE WORTHY OF JOY & LIFE!!!
↑ WHY? BECAUSE GOD THINKS THAT ABOUT YOU!!! ♥ (LOVE IS ALWAYS HOLY! RESISTING THAT LOVE & CARE IS HELL)



100124

Oct. 1st, 2024 10:40 am
prismaticbleed: (worried)

I think my "defining phrase" is "COURAGEOUS HOPE." It sums up what my HEART feels like-- FIRE AND LIGHT. Today I realized that I KNOW WHO I AM, in TRUTH, not just "as God's child" in general fact BUT in WHAT THAT MEANS. I am CALLED TO BE A SAINT. I am GIFTED with a UNIQUE PERSONALITY, DISPOSITION, & "RESONANCE"; I have been GIFTED with UNIQUE TALENTS, ABILITIES, & PREFERENCES; I have been GIFTED with a UNIQUE MIND, SOUL, HEART, AND BODY, and placed in the EXACT TIME & PLACE & SOCIETY & CULTURE & FAMILY & NEIGHBORHOOD & CIRCUMSTANCES, with the NECESSARY HISTORY even, TO USE ALL THOSE GIFTS AS A FAITHFUL GOOD STEWARD TO ADVANCE GOD'S KINGDOM & "ADD" TO HIS RICHES & BRING HIM GLORY & JOY. That is WHAT HE CALLS ME TO. And so I CANNOT STAND IDLE. I CANNOT HIDE/ BURY/ DENY/ THESE GIFTS AND I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT TO BE A GOOD SOLDIER/ CHILD/ STEWARD/ BELOVED OF GOD. I want ALL OF MY LIFE TO BE WORSHIP. THAT'S MY PURPOSE. THAT'S MY JOY. And as COURAGEOUS HOPE, I SET MY SIGHTS ON GOD-- I ORIENT ALL OF ME TO ETERNITY, TO MY TRUE HOME & FAMILY IN HEAVEN, and I MARCH ON WITH A JOYOUSLY BURNING HEART. God gave me a WILL, and I DEVOTE IT TO MAKING MY WHOLE SELF A LIVING SACRIFICE OF LOVE. IN HOPE I REFUSE to give up or give in to worldly despair; "the things that are UNSEEN are ETERNAL". In COURAGE I FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT BY GOD'S GRACE, WEARING HIS ARMOR, TRUSTING IN HIS VICTORY-- CHRIST HAS CONQUERED DEATH!! LOVE HAS ALREADY WON. AND I BELONG TO LOVE. SO I CAN BE COURAGEOUSLY HOPEFUL!

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Talking to Dr. P, I think the HOLY SPIRIT legit witnessed to HIS purposes & hopes for us THROUGH our responses, because they just poured out of our heart. We said that, during treatment, we've GOTTEN FACTS to COMBAT & CONQUER the demons of despair/ doubt/ fear/ cowardice/ negativity, through HEARING words of SUPPORT & COMPASSION & FAITH from BOTH peers & staff, and I HAVE to have FAITH in THEM, too, TRUSTING them & WITNESSING TO that trust BY CULTIVATING THOSE VIRTUES further, which is ONLY POSSIBLE through LOVING SURRENDER/ COOPERATION WITH CHRIST, WHO IS HELPING ME & WANTS ME TO THRIVE & LIVE & GLORIFY HIM BY FULLY FLOURISHING. And I MUST DO THIS IN THE ONLY WAY I CAN-- AS A SYSTEM OF LOVE. We CAN do this TOGETHER. That brings us to point 2-- we CANNOT BASE OUR EMOTIONS/ HOPE/ etc. ON THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS. True, we MUST do our best AND seek to edify others BY our good behavior/ example, because we WANT to be HONORABLE & a TRUE WITNESS TO CHRIST, but by that SAME baptized token we MUST ALSO HAVE CONFIDENCE/ TRUST/ HOPE "FOR OURSELVES." WE MUST CHOOSE truth/ beauty/ goodness FOR OURSELF, for OUR CREATOR'S SAKE, even if NO ONE ELSE does. WE HAVE "THE SPIRIT OF LOVE & COURAGE & SELF-CONTROL." We CAN, and we WILL, STAY RECOVERED. We must DEDICATE ourselves to LIFE & CHARITY every day, a POSITIVE focus, WHILE STILL REMEMBERING "THE PIT GOD SAVED US FROM." NO TOXIC POSITIVITY!! We are a WHOLE! Our WOUNDS can be HOLY! But LIVE FROM A SPACE OF HOPE. LIVE FOR ETERNITY. Don't worry about passing worldly things. GOD HAS SET US FREE TO WORSHIP HIM! And YOUR NEW LIFE, turned OUTWARDS IN COMMUNION (not inwards in egotism), IS A PRAYER.

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WHY AM I STILL MINIBINGEING ON CONDIMENTS. The HIGHEST mealplan only requires 5 per meal, & sometimes I'm getting up to 9. THAT'S INSANE. STOP. I don't even LIKE the tastes at this point; I WANT TO ENJOY SIMPLE FOOD, AS-IS, NO ADULTERATIONS, NO "DROWNING/ MASKING" THE PLAIN TRUTH with EXCESS that is honestly FORCED & COMPULSIVE. And I realize WHY I'm doing it-- it's TWOFOLD: first, the old "I HAVE to know what EVERYTHING tastes like" (WHICH, BTW, we will have SUCCEEDED AT as of THURSDAY with dressing & packet options) AND the fearful "NEED" to KEEP pushing/ trying them "UNTIL I 100% LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM" (which is FOOLISH as well as RIGID? It's giving the message that "I'm NOT ALLOWED to DISLIKE ANYTHING" which CRUSHES my UNIQUE TASTES (personality resonance) AND implies that I believe (DISTORTED) that "not liking" a food/ flavor/ texture experience means I'M HATEFUL/ REJECTING GOD BY JUDGING HIS CREATION/ DEVALUING & DISDAINING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE IT = "disliking" ANYTHING that OTHERS like" means that I'm ATTACKING/ ERASING THEM??? It's seen as an ACT OF VIOLENCE & INGRATITUDE; "driving a wedge" between ME & COMMUNION WITH CREATION & HUMAN CULTURE; "if I DON'T like it, then I'll NEVER "be close to/ COMMUNE with" those who DO" = "SELF MERGING" & "DENIAL of OWN tastes" as INVALID/ EVIL); and SECOND, I ONLY forcepush them WHEN THERE'S A FOOD ITEM THAT I'M AFRAID OF CHOKING ON/ AFRAID I WON'T "BE ABLE" TO EAT IT "FAST ENOUGH" PLAIN. And BOTH of those are BINGE MINDSETS. We HAVE TO FIGHT & RESIST THAT NOW, WHILE WE'RE AT WAR WITH IT IN REALTIME!! THAT'S where VICTORY is won-- ON THE ACTUAL BATTLEFIELD. God has given us a HUGE OPPORTUNITY. And we MUST RISE TO THE CHALLENGE! From now on, we HAVE to FIGHT by ONLY choosing the REQUIRED amount of lipid exchanges, and NOT "SLUSHING" OUR FOOD "IN ORDER TO EAT IT FASTER." YOU'RE DISHONORING THE FOOD (GOD'S GIFT), REJECTING ITS TRUTH, HABITUATING YOURSELF TO BOTH MAKING & EATING SLOP, GETTING ADDICTED TO A HIGH FAT DIET, AND SETTING A VERY BAD & DISREPUTABLE EXAMPLE for your fellow patients. SERIOUSLY. When they see YOU condiment-bingeing, then THEY are TEMPTED to do the SAME, & also FEEL LESS ASHAMED OF IT, which is OUTRIGHT SCANDAL. ROMANS 14:15 & 20!!! YOU ARE LEADING PEOPLE INTO SIN. SO YOU MUST STOP, NOW, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
✳ I don't recall the exact details of what we ordered this week, but we STILL made some stupid choices, and we HAVE to OWN UP to our addictive behavior, ADMIT our weakness, DISCERN & DIVULGE our distorted reasoning, & then COMMIT TO STOPPING THAT BEHAVIOR. Step ONE is WRITING that out. Step TWO is NOT USING EXCESS CONDIMENTS, EVEN if we ORDERED them! QUIT IT ASAP. NO EXCUSES. We HAVE to. I will admit, it IS VERY HARD to NOT eat EVERY CRUMB of what's on our tray, though. THAT, TOO, feels like UNGRATEFUL REJECTION & fills us with ANXIOUS GUILT & SHAME & REGRET. That's a HUGE OVERREACTION. WHAT IS THAT A PROJECTION OF, PRECISELY? = It's seen as BOTH a GIFT and a COMMAND/ ORDER, since it was SET IN FRONT OF US & WE CAN'T "PUT IT BACK." So, if we LEAVE it, we're saying, "I REJECT THIS GIFT/ I REFUSE TO OBEY/ SUBMIT." MAYBE even "I REFUSE TO SUFFER," which at LEAST implies that deep down we RECOGNIZE that this IS HARMFUL & UNHEALTHY & we DON'T WANT TO HURT/ ABUSE OURSELF WITH EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOR ANYMORE. So DON'T. You know what DOES honor God? OBEYING the REAL mealplan, RESISTING binge compulsions, SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE, & DISCIPLINING OUR WILL so we can FREELY CHOOSE VIRTUE.

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I keep hearing other patients complain & gripe & grimace about our meals & mealplans, voicing sharp dislike & REFUSAL to comply/ cooperate, and... it's actually making me feel really depressed/ anxious? Like, "am I doing something WRONG or FOOLISH or CONDEMNABLE BY obeying the plans, pushing myself even further, & LIKING the food?" If I'm ACTUALLY eating the required lipids-- even if just margarine & mayonnaise-- and I'm ACTUALLY eating the required snacks-- even if just poptarts & cookies-- am I doing something WRONG? Am I STILL "abusing my body" by eating fats & sweets if I'm LEGIT OBLIGATED TO AS PART OF RECOVERY TREATMENT?? If the WHOLE ROOM is gagging at a certain entree on the menu and I CHOOSE IT & EAT IT & ENJOY IT, am I being foolish? They'll CONGRATULATE me for it, saying "you're so strong," "how difficult was it?" "I don't know how you do it," "good job! You made it through!" etc. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOME HERCULEAN EFFORT. I just DECIDED to eat the "intimidating" option & DECIDED to enjoy it & COMMITTED TO 100% AND I DID. WHY would that be difficult or a struggle or something I had to "grit my teeth & power through"? Is THAT what THEY do? ...That's heartbreaking. I don't know if I've EVER experienced that-- EXCEPT for the CHOCOLATE MILK SUICIDE of UPMC. Man. Is it THAT HARD for them, EVERY TIME? ...I NEED to show more compassion. It's just such an instinctual response to label it as "COWARDICE/ CHICKENING OUT" & "ATTACK" it out of ANGER, which is WHAT I DO TO MYSELF. ...gosh is THAT BACKFIRING & ACTUALLY ALSO FUELING THE CONDIMENT FORCING?? My instinct, when I detect "hesitance/ fear" over a choice/ decision in myself, is to "BEAT MYSELF UP" ("hit the whiny child") and FORCE myself TO do it, ALMOST OUT OF CRUELTY, EVEN IF I KNOW IT'S A REASONABLE FEAR & DON'T WANT TO DO IT. That VIOLENT "I HATE COWARDS" response IS SO STRONG. Ironically, it's ALSO IN CONFLICT WITH ITSELF. "I'm afraid of eating that food because the other patients say it'll cause serious disease & harm my body" COEXISTS with "I'm GOING to eat that food BECAUSE it scares me for some reason." So I "CAN'T SAY NO," EVEN to REAL RISK, because THAT'S "CHICKENING OUT"? "EAT that because you were TOLD to" vs. "REFUSE it because it's UNHEALTHY." I'm tired. I'm writing too fast & not thinking. The point: I'm terrified that I'm damning myself BY my obedience. Our body HAS gotten very fat/ swollen/ bloated, & we're in constant pain & discomfort. This is a cross, but is it ALSO the "sign that we're making a stupid decision" & ACTUALLY "killing our body" BY eating the food we're being TOLD to eat? OR is THAT the POINT of the cross-- RESTITUTION for the eating disorder, SUFFERING as HUMBLING PENANCE? And will this PASS, & suddenly leave us TRULY WHOLE & HEALTHY TO LIVE FULLY & FREELY FOR GOD? ...Why does eating STILL feel like it's an obstacle? AM I eating too much? Still? Am I actually STILL SINNING by eating "all this food" "WITHOUT DISCRETION" & even eating "luxury" foods? Am I suffering as PUNISHMENT for GLUTTONY & IMPRUDENCE & INTEMPERANCE even now, in recovery, allegedly, and in obedience? I should talk to staff about this. I'm afraid that if I'm discharged with this mindset of "you HAVE to eat HYPERCLEAN foods or it's STUPID & SUICIDAL" AND "your fatty & bloated body is VISIBLE MANIFESTATION/ PROOF of your CARNAL INSATIABILITY & UNSPIRITUAL DISPOSITION & UGLY GREEDY LUST." Like thin = holy. Like skeletal = pure. But I WAS DYING. And I was WASTING GOD'S GIFTS, INCLUDING MY LIFE. ...CAN I STILL LIVE A GOOD LIFE IF I'M FAT? Isn't eating this much just an "acceptable (medically) perpetuation OF the eating disorder??" THAT'S the HARDEST part of recovery treatment here. The food is RUSHED and it IS often "junk food" & I HAVE to eat it amidst SATANIC TV NOISE & constant table chatter, unable to "ground/ center" & SLOW DOWN & FOCUS ONLY ON GOD. ...It's a BINGE ENVIRONMENT. And I do NOT WANT TO GET ACCUSTOMED TO THIS... OR LET THIS DISTRESS MOTIVATE ME TO RESTRICT AGAIN in a desperate attempt to "REVERSE THE DAMAGE & START OVER." ...and I DO ALREADY WANT TO. That "fear of being POISONED" is sadly lingering. I BELIEVE that if I RUSH through a meal, DISTRACTED & DISSOCIATED & DISTURBED, unable to eat mindfully & express wonder & gratitude in realtime, then I'm "EATING THE STRESS" & "SWALLOWING THE ENVIRONMENT" & being SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY CORRUPTED BY IT.
✳ IT'S THE "MEL" TERROR. Remember, how when I got back home from SLC, I LITERALLY FELT & BELIEVED that ALL that "SCARY ANGRY YELLOW SCREAMING ENERGY" was BEING STORED IN MY STOMACH FAT, because THAT'S where "WHAT I HAD TO EAT/ SWALLOW" WENT, & it was ALL THE TERROR OF SLC AND I HAD TO GET IT OUT OF ME OR IT WOULD "TURN ME INTO THEM" and KILL ME as an ultimate result. I'M AFRAID OF THAT HAPPENING AGAIN NOW. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THOSE EVIL, EVIL TELEVISION SHOWS. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THE ATTITUDES OF THE OTHER PATIENTS, ESPECIALLY NOT THEIR "WHINING/ COMPLAINING/ DISLIKE/ SARCASM/ BITTERNESS/ FEAR/ SPINELESSNESS/ ETC." AND THAT'S CRUEL OF ME TO SAY BUT THEY TALK ABOUT FOOD SO DISTORTEDLY & JUDGMENTALLY & IT HURTS AND I DON'T WANT THAT IN ME JUST BECAUSE IT KEEPS GOING INTO MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EARS AS I EAT. God I am SO TIRED. Please, please, help me to be kind. Help me NOT to judge. Help me to HAVE MERCY, WITHOUT "APPROVING" THOSE ATTITUDES, IN OTHERS OR MYSELF. Please, God, I'm BEGGING You, PLEASE DON'T LET ME SWALLOW SIN & EVIL. Matthew 15:11 & 17-18. PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE. DON'T LET ME CORRUPT IT. GIVE ME A NEW, CLEAN, PURE HEART SO I DON'T POISON MYSELF AND THE FOOD & EVERYONE ELSE. God, PLEASE help me enjoy the meals. PLEASE, I'm begging you again, I know it's stupid & selfish & carnal & evil but oh God please. I WANT to enjoy & treasure the food AS YOURS, as YOUR Creation & Gift, for YOUR SAKE. ...please God, please let me enjoy this food. I'm so sorry for what I did wrong, whatever it is. Please show me clearly, & then PLEASE help me & LET me do the needed penance & restitution for it so I CAN enjoy the food at last... IF that's not a sin in & of itself. Lord I'm a tangled mess right now. I just want SO BADLY to EAT HOW & LIKE YOU WANT ME TO. And deep down I KNOW THAT'S "EDEN." EATING ISN'T EVIL, & ENJOYING FOOD ISN'T A SIN-- OTHERWISE HEAVEN WOULDN'T BE A FEAST. (of RICH FARE!!) & YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN, IN PERFECT LOVE & WISDOM, TO GIVE YOURSELF & YOUR LIFE TO US, THROUGH EATING, IN THE MOST HOLY EUCHARIST. You DELIGHT in feeding us, even here in this fallen world. It's MEANT to be JOY. LET IT BE THAT.

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Our group assignment is to THINK OF/ DISCERN statements/ phrases we will LIKELY HEAR upon being SEEN at a higher weight/ upon meeting people who STILL SEE US AS THE EATING DISORDER; i.e. who "HAVE NO FAITH OR HOPE IN US." And THAT response is what HURTS the MOST & elicits a kneejerk WOUNDED ANGER/ MOURNING response. We feel TRAPPED. And really, WE SHOULD EXPRESS EXACTLY THAT. Be CONFIDENT in OURSELF, WITH GOD'S CONSTANT HELP. By golly THAT'S what we should say! BRING GOD ACTIVELY INTO IT. Let them KNOW that it's NOT "JUST ME," in BOTH senses ideally! BE SHOCKINGLY HONEST FROM HERE ON OUT. And KEEP your HEART OPEN & GENTLE. Wear that cloak!
✳ "Body comments" CAN be accepted easily & gratefully IF YOU'RE WILLING TO RECEIVE THEM AS COMPLIMENTS! When KIND & POSITIVE words are offered, DO NOT NEGATE THEM! TRUST that person's kindness! STAY IN THE LIGHT! EMBRACE the HOPE of a NEW & COMPASSIONATE perspective-- one FREE OF DISTORTION & SELFISHNESS. When others say "you look good/ healthy/ so much better/ beautiful/ FEMININE" etc., GRATEFULLY ACCEPT & AFFIRM THAT CHARITY. IT'S FROM GOD. MOVE INTO THAT NEW SPACE OF FREEDOM & JOY; DON'T FIGHT/ REJECT IT LIKE A DEVIL! THANK them SINCERELY and enter into GENUINE CELEBRATORY DIALOGUE. SHARE THIS NEW HAPPINESS. It's TRUTH!! It's GOOD & BEAUTIFUL!! Your thinness & eating disorder were the result of ABUSE & HATE & FEAR & SELFISHNESS & LIES & CRUELTY & DEATH. LEAVE THAT AND DISOWN IT. YOU HAVE BEEN "CREATED ANEW!" GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A "NEW BODY," FULL OF LIFE & HOPE! So CHERISH IT & LEARN HOW BY RECEIVING THAT GRATEFUL "INSTRUCTION" FROM OTHERS' LOVE!
✳ The HARDEST comments to handle are the NEGATIVE ones-- "make sure you don't relapse"; "how soon until you go right back to how you were?" "you better not mess up this time," etc. FIGHT DARK WITH LIGHT. These are OPPORTUNITIES to STAND UP FOR TRUTH & GOODNESS, & BRING THE OTHER PERSON WITH YOU!! Respond with PATIENT KINDNESS & PEACE. Speak with HOPE & FAITH in GOD'S GRACE TO KEEP YOU IN RECOVERY, & WITNESS TO THAT. Even if they STILL don't trust YOU, affirm CONFIDENTLY & LOVINGLY that YOUR TRUST IS IN GOD, & THEIRS SHOULD BE, TOO. ASK THEM TO PRAY FOR YOU! REDIRECT their thoughts TO hope & faith! Deep down, they just FEAR a relapse. (NEGATIVE comments express a HIDDEN CARE; they DO WANT YOU TO BE WELL, but focus on the RISKS)


092924

Sep. 29th, 2024 11:15 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

✳ WE HAVE TO FIGHT CONCUPISCENCE because GOD WANTS US TO BE STRONG & DISCIPLINED & COURAGEOUS. Being "evil" is EASY & COWARDLY. Being "GOOD" IS A FIGHT, but we're GUARANTEED VICTORY IN CHRIST! SO BE HIS SOLDIER. The DEVIL is AFRAID. As Christians, WE have NOTHING to fear, we HAVE GOD'S LOVE.

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We're still getting itchy & burny eyes/ runny nose/ nausea/ etc. after eating eggs. I will message our allergist about this tomorrow, but for now, we NEED to edit the mealplan slightly to EXCLUDE EGGS & SOY, because if a "minor skinprick response" is STILL making us feel this sick, maybe we should stop trying to "build up a tolerance". But until we hear back from her, right now I'm going to keep eating eggs (I enjoy them even so) & tracking symptoms UNLESS it gets TOO concerning or we're TOLD to stop, I guess. I'm not sure how we'd alter our BK otherwise-- to get 3P with our allergies, we would HAVE to get cottage cheese, sausage, AND sunbutter EVERY morning, OR triple one of those options, and that's both difficult & kind of gross (salty & oversticky/ dense). We'll see after tomorrow. We should at least try??  Honestly the most REALISTIC option IS the Sunbutter-- we wouldn't be eating any sausage at home, it pairs well with the breakfast items, and it's our only easily prepped/ available option for an "exchange eligible" protein at home... But seriously, think about this change REALISTICALLY. At home we can always BANK ON GREEK YOGURT. Really our ONLY concern is RIGHT NOW, & step one is TRY THE SUNBUTTER, & do WHATEVER the ALLERGIST SAYS. By the way, this DOES AFFECT CONDIMENT FORCING, because it ALL seems to have EGGS &/OR SOY OIL. But hey, that's MOTIVATION to KICK THE HABIT. We've had 12 DAYS of pseudobinge behavior with the bloody things so START CUTTING BACK, if not COMPLETELY COLD TURKEY, unless we can't avoid it as part of the menu. We CANNOT be "feeding the REAL monster" of ADDICTIVE COMPULSION, ESPECIALLY with our LIFE at risk!

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✳ WORK WITH THE LOWEST EXCHANGE PLAN UNTIL WE JOIN A GYM! WE WILL NEED TO BULK UP AS WE GAIN STRENGTH?
✳ ARE WE FOCUSING ON WEIGHTS AT FIRST? RESTART CARDIO SLOWLY?

✳I'M SO TIRED OF FOOD FOCUS. I WANT TO LIVE. Yes we STILL need to feed & nourish the body God gave us, BUT our FOCUS MUST BE ON WORSHIP/ ETERNITY!! "REMEMBER YOU ARE BUT DUST." & 1 CORINTHIANS 6:12-14!!

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✳ New marker color, but OLD topic. Basically, WHY ARE SO MANY FOODS STILL "SCARY" AFTER WE'VE EATEN THEM? And WHY does it feel like POTENTIALLY ALL "FEAR FOODS" WILL STILL BE SCARY/ AVOIDED OUTSIDE OF THE HOSPITAL??? WHY DOES CONTEXT CHANGE THINGS & "OVERRIDE" THE HEALING MINDSET?? IS IT JUST the "REBELLIOUS CHILD" INSTINCT? Am "I" just TRYING to "PROTECT" myself BY REFUSING/ FIGHTING WHEN I "FINALLY CAN AGAIN"?? If so, then THE REAL FEAR ROOTS HAVEN'T BEEN HEALED, and it MIGHT ACTUALLY be ONE BIG ROOT. So we HAVE to discern WHAT IT IS. There's a BELIEF somewhere, FALSE & NEGATIVE, fueling ALL this.

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FOODS "AT RISK OF RELAPSE" and WHY (esp. "not safe AT HOME/ IF I CHOOSE THEM?) =

1) "SUGAR"/ SWEET FOODS. We wrote about this in the back. It's an ANCIENT "HACK TRIGGER" & therefore honestly the FIRST "TRAUMA FOOD" (CHOCOLATE). This INCLUDES FRUIT, which already has cultural associations with sex on its own. "Desserts" are considered "indulgent/ sensual/ luxurious" & therefore feel like INVITATIONS FOR TRAUMA.The very QUALITY of "sweetness" is in itself a bomb siren.
2) "CHILDHOOD" FOODS. This honestly baffled me UNTIL I realized, "they were eaten WITH THE FAMILY." Even if we "LOVE THE FAMILY AND LIKE THE FOOD," there is this HEAVY VENEER of ANXIOUS DREAD over it REGARDLESS. This includes POLISH food (church picnics), ITALIAN food (going out on weekends, after church?), FAST food (from vacations & road trips), & GRANDMA'S COOKING, tragically enough. It ALSO includes a group we FORGOT until flashbacks hit here: SCHOOL LUNCHES. We could probably ALSO include CIOCI ANN/ COUSIN foods (her house AND local folks), AND HOLIDAY foods (Christmas/ Easter). We'll make the actual lists separately, but the CONNECTING POINT for ALL of them is that THEY WERE ALL EATEN WITH THE FAMILY, OR A "FAMILY" ANALOGUE (school, church), IN A GROUP/ SOCIAL SETTING... UNDER HIGH ANXIETY, due to CONFLICT and/or SOCIAL OVERWHELM? BUT they still DIFFER from the NEXT broad category, because they're NOT explicitly--
3) "TRAUMA" FOODS. This group BOTH overlaps with the previous two, AND contains its own unique items. But THESE are DEFINED by DIRECT EXPERIENTIAL ASSOCIATION WITH TRAUMATIC EVENTS, even if JUST ONE, that "TAINTED" it "ESSENTIALLY" despite later non-traumatic exposures? We're STRIVING to heal that NOW, but we're struggling because the ROOTS ARE DEEP & KNOTTED. These require MENTAL RECOVERY too.
4) "FEAR" FOODS. These are scary/ unsettling for reasons that DON'T involve PEOPLE? They're based on MEDICAL/ PHYSIOLOGICAL fears, typically born FROM ACTUAL DISTURBING/ UNSETTLING EXPERIENCES. These include NON-TRAUMA "allergy"/ "poison"/ "fatal"/ etc. fears, often "baseless" except for the "initiating event" itself. These are BIZARRELY HARD TO "GET OVER" because their roots are MENTAL & "UNREASONABLE" & BASED ON "THE UNKNOWN," claiming a "PERPETUAL RISK FACTOR" regardless of exposure: "NEXT time it MIGHT kill me." There's NO "PROOF". It requires a CHANGE in our CORE PERSPECTIVE/ MINDSET??? to "NOT FEAR DEATH," WHILE STILL BEING PRUDENT/ REASONABLE. THIS REQUIRES BOTH WISDOM AND TOTAL TRUSTING SURRENDER TO GOD'S LOVING WILL for us.

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I heard a LOT of negative food talk from patients today, & it's not the first time. "The sherbet looks so gross/ disgusting." "All this butter & mayonnaise is going to clog our arteries." "Why can't I just eat fruit & salad instead of hamburgers & hot dogs?" "I'm only eating toast without butter." "The food doesn't taste good, right?" etc. There's SO MUCH JUDGMENT of foods as "disgusting," "gross," "unhealthy," "BAD," etc. People flat-out taste a food, grimace, & throw the rest away. They refuse to try new options because they "sound gross." Et cetera. And I feel SO DEPRESSED over all this. I'm trying SO HARD to LIKE & APPRECIATE & EAT EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY the ones people say are "DISGUSTING." I DIDN'T choose the pot pie today because I thought it was "unappetizing" (because of HOME & BINGE ASSOCIATIONS, but STILL) and I can't stop beating myself up over it. BUT, although I "wanted" the "Grandma cookie" for snack, I chose the "sweet crackers" because NO ONE ELSE DID & "they were UNLOVED." BUT I'm STILL feeling "regret/ want" because the other option was "GRANDMA COOKIES" & I feel like I've BETRAYED HER. If they had simply said "chocolate chip cookies," I probably WOULDN'T have wanted them because the association is DIFFERENT & ANXIOUS (child binge punishment fear). BUT YOU SEE THE PROBLEM. THIS IS ANCIENT, but in light of recent entries IT MAKES SENSE NOW. It's PROJECTION. I IDENTIFY WITH THE FOOD. Negatively, "I AM A CONSUMABLE OBJECT"; Positively, "I AM MEANT FOR COMMUNION." And I see/hear that SYMBOLICALLY REFLECTED in the way that others, AND MYSELF, speak about/ treat FOOD. "I'M gross/ disgusting." = "I'M undesirable/ unwanted." "I'M going to hurt/ kill people if they take me into their life, because I'm "TOO MUCH" ("FAT")." "I'M distasteful." etc. "I'M NOT GOOD FOR PEOPLE." But WHY? What "MAKES" me & the food so "unhealthy & bad"? Bluntly, it's FAT & MEAT. Rich, heavy, "MANLY" food, weirdly enough. SO MANY PEOPLE act like UNLESS you're THIN/ LIGHT/ SLIM/ PETITE/ DELICATE/ MILD, etc. like FRESH FRUIT & PLAIN SALAD & RICE CAKES & FATFREE YOGURT & ALL the other stuff they MARKET TO WOMEN, YOU'RE UNPALATABLE, POISONOUS, GROSS, HARMFUL, UNHEALTHY. It's SUBTLE MISANDRY as much as it's GNOSTIC HERESY. It VILIFIES BOTH MASCULINITY AND THE HUMAN BODY... which, ACTUALLY, is ALSO BRUTAL MISOGYNY. Women are CREATED TO BE MOTHERS-- to be LIFEGIVERS. WOMEN WERE GRACED WITH THE STUNNING PRIVILEGE OF BECOMING FOOD FOR THEIR CHILDREN-- BECOMING EUCHARISTIC. Really, this DEMONIC WAR ON FOOD is a WAR AGAINST CHRIST & MANKIND, AND OUR MOTHER in a terribly specific way. So YEAH, "the insults against GOD fall on ME." I, by grace alone, am FINALLY ABLE TO SEE FOOD (AND GENDER) AS GOOD & HOLY, and so when I see/ hear OTHERS INSULTING/ CONDEMNING THOSE THINGS ESPECIALLY IN WAYS THAT IMPLY/ SUGGEST/ ACCUSE (BLASPHEME) that GOD has "MADE something BAD/ HARMFUL/ BROKEN/ WRONG," OR THAT HE HAS "MADE A MISTAKE," it ACTIVELY MAKES ME ANGRY, FROM HEARTACHE & CHARITY! I LOVE GOD AND HUMANITY and I WANT (NEED) TO DEFEND & DECLARE & UPHOLD THE DIGNITY OF MAN, THE GOODNESS & PURPOSE OF CREATION, & THE LOVE/ JUSTICE/ GLORY OF GOD!!


092524

Sep. 25th, 2024 02:10 am
prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

✳ Our SCHEDULE for the FUTURE MUST INCORPORATE ALL LEVELS OF NEEDS, AND BE GROUNDED IN OUR VALUES AS PRIORITY!! This means INCLUDING BOTH RELIGION/ WORSHIP AND NUTRITION, EXERCISE AND LEISURE, JOURNALS AND CREATIVE WORK!!

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✳ Laurie & I were looking at the menu together & we realized that our mind is actually LOOKING FOR CONFLICT BETWEEN OPTIONS??? It's LOOKING FOR A "RIGHT/ WRONG" DIVISION, like there "HAS TO BE A BATTLE"? But the WORST part is that THIS "COMPULSORY WAR" is being forced BETWEEN WHAT "I" WOULD LIKE, AND WHAT I'M "SUPPOSED" TO PICK-- THE "TRAUMA/ CHALLENGE" FOOD TIED TO OTHER PEOPLE, WHO ARE BEING PRIORITIZED AS "OBJECTIVELY RIGHT/ AUTHORITATIVE." SO EACH CHOICE OF FOOD REQUIRES REJECTION OF EITHER THEM (NOT ALLOWED), OR OF MYSELF (MUST).
✳WHEN I ACTUALLY LIKE BOTH CHOICES, or if there IS NO APPARENT "MEMORY ASSOCIATION," my brain PANICS and MAKES A CONFLICT BY FINDING ASSOCIATIONS WITH OTHER TO OPPOSE "ME." THIS FEELS OBLIGATORY, like if there IS no "other person" ABOVE ME, then I'M DOING SOMETHING "WRONG"-- THERE'S "NO MORAL DISTINCTION"??
WHY DO I FEEL COMPELLED, EVEN WITH INTENSE FEAR, TO CHOOSE THE FOOD OPTIONS THAT WILL FORCE TRAUMA FLASHBACKS??? Like Saturday is PEPPERONI PIZZA & TATER TOTS which is EXACTLY what TBAS would eat EVERY NIGHT we had to stay up until ~3am with them. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M "NOT ALLOWED" TO SAY "NO" TO RITUALLY RELIVING THAT EXPERIENCE EVERY TIME IT PRESENTS ITSELF?? WHY DOES EVEN WANTING TO REFUSE FEEL LIKE I'M DAMNING MYSELF TO IMMINENT HORRIBLE PUNISHMENT? IT'S "NOT ALLOWED" AND THE FEAR OF BOTH ENDURING IT AND THE PENALTY OF REFUSING TO IS CHOKING.

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FAMILY SESSION TOPICS =

★ SCRUPULOSITY; "everything I do is a sin," life revolves around prayer times
● "Happy childhood" on film = afraid to admit it? OR "happy mask" over fear?
●  Music concerts/ awards/ etc. "be perfect/ entertaining;" not about the JOY
★ When I enter a house I immediately LOOK FOR/ TAKE FOOD = "ENTER THEIR LIFE/ BE LIKE THEM"
● Equating VIOLENCE/ PUNISHMENT with LOVE (LAURIE); "KILL THE MONSTER"??
● What came first, the self-abuse or the eating disorder?
WHEN & HOW does the sextrauma fit? WHEN/ HOW DID IT START? RELIGION? (childhood messages = "sex is evil" + "sex is God's PURPOSE for you"/ SAME WITH FOOD???)
● GENDER/ MULTIPLICITY INFLUENCE on ALL  of that
★ "I don't know how to grapple/ live with the inherited past" ("happening NOW, on loop") (UNRESOLVED & UNINTEGRATED)
↑ TIMELOCKED FONI vs. "the outside world doesn't exist in inpatient"
● "WE have to DECIDE" = identity, future, likes, etc.???? "AM I ALLOWED?"
★ TEENAGE "self" esp. in photos/ vids = "SHE'S EVIL" / SELFISH, PROUD, "VIOLENT"
★ "Positive affirmations" "FEED THE MONSTER"? JEZEBEL  (PROUD/ SELFISH)
WE NEED TO INTEGRATE PAST & PRESENT = ENTIRE SELF (SYSTEM WHOLE) = TOWARDS FUTURE!!



prismaticbleed: (worried)

"Weaknesses" in treatment plan outline/ treatment plan points to discuss

● LIMITED SUPPORT SYSTEM = OUTSIDE, not INSIDE! And we CANNOT pretend we DON'T need one, because WE MUST LIVE IN THE BODY NOW, which means LIVING IN COMMUNITY, which man was CREATED FOR (RELATIONSHIP) and which is NECESSARY to be HUMBLE & CHARITABLE. Of course therapists do help, & crisis lines. But we SHOULD seek support in the context of a SPECIFIC focus support GROUP? or even just the CHURCH! And PHYSICAL interaction is preferable so we LEARN (not in theory) TO EXIST not just IN THE BODY but as a PERSON/ in a SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT. This WILL take time & effort and honestly right now it's SCARY & EXHAUSTING because OUR "SELF" ISN'T STABLE ENOUGH YET TO DO THIS?? So THAT is PRIORITY. It WILL require "setting boundaries," "asserting needs," etc. WITHOUT isolating OR preventing vulnerability & openness.
● A BIG step TOWARDS this IS IMPROVING OUR FAMILY RELATIONS which we DESPERATELY WANT. The problem is, DO THEY EVEN WANT TO BE AROUND ME? If not, I understand. But I MUST BECOME the kind of person they COULD want to be around. And THAT striving to become a better person for them WILL allow me to be that better self SOCIALLY. It really is self-denial & the Cross, for CHARITY'S SAKE. And again, I MUST TAKE INITIATIVE, yet STILL BE PATIENT & HUMBLE. THEY STILL MIGHT NOT WANT YOU. And so, ultimately, our TRUE motivation for this MUST BE GOD. We're striving to obey the 4th Commandment for HIS sake, NOT for ANY earthly rewards. So DON'T RELAPSE OR DESPAIR, EVEN IF YOUR EFFORTS TO RECOVER & BECOME KIND MEAN NOTHING TO YOUR FAMILY. I actually CAN'T do this JUST "for them" or I'll COLLAPSE. My ULTIMATE end MUST BE TO HONOR GOD, IN honoring my family, EVEN IF MY FAMILY REJECTS ME STILL. I'll have set my real goal higher, one that of course INCLUDES them IN LOVE, but DOESN'T make THEIR REACTION the "deciding factor" of my efforts to "be GOOD" for REAL. ONLY GOD IS THAT JUDGE FOR REAL! Love Him AND love your fam FOR Him too! 
In the event that my family DOES reject me, I NEED REAL FRIENDS. I've NEVER HAD ANY. And deep down I still wonder about relationships. But that's too much to even consider right now (due to guilt & shame & fear). Inevitably, these friendships MUST HAVE GOD AS THE TRANSCENDENT THIRD. But Lord knows I YEARN to pour myself out for someone, to really LOVE them, & HELP them, and ideally yes I WANT to PROTECT them, which always comes up when I think about this. I'll need to give that deeper thought elsewhere; it MIGHT be a REROUTING of Jay's FATHERHOOD instinct. In any case, I do want to learn HOW to have REAL, SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, esp. where to FIND or LOOK for them. My only map: CHURCH. And I must FIRST become a TRUE "FRIEND" MYSELF FIRST. I CAN'T HAVE A FRIEND IF I CAN'T RESPOND MUTUALLY TO THEIR LOVE. If I'm too bloody self-obsessed TO be truly supportive, the friendship will rot. I WANT TO BE THE FRIEND YOU CAN RELY ON EVEN AT 3AM. And honestly? THAT WEIGHTY OF A VIRTUOUS DISPOSITION HAS TO BE FED. You have to START SMALL but BE CONSISTENT & TAKE EVERY CHANCE YOU GET TO STRENGTHEN THAT VIRTUE BY MAKING IT HABITUAL. PRAY for those chances AND the GRACE TO RESPOND to them READILY & WITH COURAGEOUS LOVE. And God IS giving you those changes WITH YOUR FAMILY. Which brings us, fittingly, back around to "NEEDS." There WILL be "conflicts" but they CAN BE RESOLVED TO MUTUAL BENEFIT, IF I PUT THIS VIRTUOUS EFFORT IN. If I, through recovery, gain the INNER FREEDOM TO find ways to meet my needs WITHOUT DENYING OTHERS, then I can READILY & INSTANTLY JUMP TO SERVE, "ON CALL," knowing that BY GOD'S PROVIDENCE I CAN STILL MEET THEIR NEEDS AND GOD WILL MEET MINE IN DUE TIME. And He HAS DONE THIS ALREADY, CONSISTENTLY. HIS LOVE FOR YOU IS REAL. TRUST IT, & RELY ON HIM!!
● "Haven't learned how to plan for the future" = first, I was convinced I'd die at age 20 so I never planned. I had my first suicide attempt around that age ironically. When I didn't die & hit age 21 I was SO LOST. And that's SECOND = I "gave control of my life" to SLC/ CNC/ UPMC basically. I STILL WAS UNABLE TO EVEN IMAGINE A FUTURE because I was STILL JUST SURVIVING DAY TO DAY, and dictating ALL my behavior & "choices" according to ARBITRARY AUTHORITY. I was either INCAPABLE (trauma) of or FORBIDDEN (obedient submission) to plan for ANY sort of PERSONAL FUTURE. The FIRST TIME that's EVER CHANGED, & VERY SUDDENLY, was in 2022 when Grandma died & I moved out & I HAD NOTHING TO GO BACK TO & NO ACTIVE AUTHORITY DIRECTING ME. So I FLAILED for a while, "defaulting" to PAST "orders," and STILL JUST "LIVING TO SURVIVE." I still felt like I wasn't GOING to have a future, ESPECIALLY not "of my own"?? How could I even IMAGINE it when my life had ALWAYS been marked by a series of SUDDEN DRAMATIC UNEXPECTED TRAUMA that CHANGED EVERYTHING & therefore DESTROYED ALL PREVIOUS "PLANS" for the future because THAT future was NO LONGER POSSIBLE? It's utterly devastating & after a while you just stop planning. Getting through today safely becomes all you CAN "plan for" & it FUELS that sort of "tomorrow doesn't exist" mindset? It's why I struggle even with the concept of "leftovers." What if I don't wake up tomorrow? What if a bomb hits? What if I am forcibly evicted? And these "anxieties" DON'T occur AS "what ifs"; I DON'T "think about" them really because ultimately, I EXPECT ALL THOSE "WHAT IFS" TO END IN DEATH. So why even "plan" how to SURVIVE, if you WON'T? Deep down, some key part of my mind is just RESIGNED TO DYING, and IMMINENTLY. But WHY is that STILL so strong in my psyche?? What are its TRUE ROOTS, the roots that convinced teen me that I'd never survive to adulthood? Even in the League, I saw AGE 16 as a "full life" & COULDN'T EVEN CONCEPTUALIZE ADULTHOOD. Is THAT PART OF THIS?? ESPECIALLY WITH THE ANOREXIA? Do I feel like I CAN ONLY "EXIST" AS A CHILD?? Do I see adulthood/ maturation AS DEATH?? And, even if I COULD become a child again, how WOULD I "see the future" ahead if I DIDN'T WANT TO "GROW UP"? Does that very child mindset lock me into a "perpetual TODAY" that unfortunately inevitably makes it IMPOSSIBLE to ACTUALLY live IN REALITY NOW as an adult who NEEDS to PROVIDE for themselves AND plan for the future as PART of that effort?
✳ BUT I'm realizing that IT DOESN'T REGISTER AS "SELF" CARE??? I DON'T SEE THIS (THIN) ADULT BODY AS ME. AND "WHICH" 'ME'" IS DRIVING? I'M CHRONOLOGICALLY SLICED. There are MULTIPLE JEWELS AND MULTIPLE JESSICAS, AND WE HAVEN'T HAD A "NAME" IN EARNEST SINCE THE JAY BLOODLINE DIED. The "Spinel hair" fugue is still a mystery, but EVERYONE knows how unstable we were coming back around 2023, because there were TWO FATAL INTERNAL TRAUMAS; the forced destruction of the Jay bloodline FUTURE, and Infinitii's subsequent death (in light of trauma affecting the present). And honestly, INSIDE, THAT'S the stuck point. Those two were our ONLY STABLE IDENTITY, AND OUR FIRST & ONLY HOPE FOR AN ADULT FUTURE, even if in the end it proved impossible. But they COULD "LOOK FORWARD." Now, without them, we have to learn HOW to again-- and STEP ONE is STABILIZING OUR CORE, AND THEIR NAME!!! We CAN'T plan for the future of our WHOLE self, BODY AND SOUL, WITHOUT THAT PLANNING BEING INTO A "NEW" CORE THAT INHABITS BOTH. And ironically, WE HAVEN'T HAD THAT SINCE we were a child! REMEMBER, BY 2003 IT WAS SPLIT (J/J bloodlines)! So we're OVER 2 DECADES "LATE" IN THIS. But better late than never. ALSO, did the CELEBI split happen EARLIER (poke2 & 2001)?? Geez this is ANCIENT. Still, it's explaining a LOT. Bottom line is THIS: WE HAVE TO DARE TO HOPE, IF ONLY FOR GOD'S SAKE. Even if we DO die tonight, we CAN'T SUCCUMB TO DESPONDENCY. We MUST LIVE, even if only for 5 more minutes. OUR LIFE IS BIGGER THAN US & WE ARE A STEWARD OF THIS GIFT. So we HAVE to think of THEIR FUTURE TOO.
● "Physical/ mental problems" that would be WEAKNESSES during recovery? The ONLY thing I know immediately is that I CAN'T REALLY RECOVER IF I IGNORE THE SYSTEM. I ALSO know that if I DON'T FACE OUR REAL TRAUMA HISTORY HEAD-ON, those denied/ buried horrors WILL CONTINUE TO FUEL DISORDERED BEHAVIOR, EITHER through the eating disorder OR through some OTHER form of addictive, numbing, self-abusive behavior cycles. The BAD ROOTS are giving us ROTTEN FRUITS, which is ironically VERY applicable TO our eating disorder trauma. If we don't DIG THEM UP & DEAL WITH THEM, they will only perpetuate the mental problems, and poison us to boot. We have to UPROOT that ENTIRE "TREE" branching out from the trauma, then TILL that ground, PLANT GOOD SEEDS, and NOURISH THEM TO GROW INTO GOOD FOOD, AS GOD INTENDED US TO BE, for HEALING & JOY & COMMUNION & LOVE between US & PEOPLE & GOD.
● "Physical problems" are baffling me. How would such a thing be a "weakness" in eating disorder recovery? Maybe just the IBS & GERD being potential "behavior triggers" when they flare up. But otherwise, my only OTHER obstacles are ENVIRONMENTAL, such as a lack of available transportation & limited access to stores & limited finances. But we can make it work! We CAN walk to the Dollar store & drug stores in a pinch, & the bus DOES go to at least two local grocery stores, so we'll have to try that one day, just to open up that option. AND, now that we're learning to be more free/ less stubborn & controlling with food, we CAN use what we get in food drives, AND maybe if we budget it we CAN once in a while buy a meal at a local restaurant! So there ARE things we CAN work on to continue & expand recovery. We just HAVE TO PUT THE EFFORT IN FOR EFFORT'S SAKE, so to speak. WE CAN'T CHICKEN OUT. We must BUILD THE VIRTUES OF DISCIPLINE, & COURAGE, & REAL RIGHTEOUS OBEDIENCE. If we DON'T work to "expand our comfort zone" and be more ACTIVE & INVOLVED IN OUR LOCAL COMMUNITY, we'll SHRINK back down into self-centered fear. We HAVE TO GROW BEYOND OUR SELF. And we MUST get friendlier WITH OUT NEIGHBORS, which will FINALLY BE POSSIBLE when you're NOT SHACKLING YOURSELF TO RIGID EATING RULES & TIMES. When you DON'T "HAVE TO" only eat CERTAIN foods at CERTAIN times and in CERTAIN ways, then you're FREE to MEET & JOIN OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR SPACES. And God knows I LOVE PEOPLE and I WANT TO DO THAT. So PLANT THE SEEDS. START LAYING A FOUNDATION TO BUILD VIRTUE. You HAVE to start SMALL like a mustard seed & CARE for it so it CAN GROW & FLOURISH & BECOME A CHANNEL/ SOURCE OF GOOD FOR OTHERS! You NEED to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE IN THE FIELD. You WILL get stronger AS you eat. Your SOUL will get stronger AS you FEED IT VIRTUE, ESPECIALLY CHARITY. And NO ONE CAN EAT ALONE. IT'S ALL GIFT, ALL COMMUNION. That applies to ALL food (LIFE), EVEN METAPHOR & CONCEPT & SYMBOL. Please remember this.
● I'm not too worried about "failed treatment attempts" because I will ALWAYS KEEP ATTEMPTING. That's why I'm here. It's DETERMINED HOPE. And those past treatments DIDN'T actually "fail." I DID heal & recover & learn & grow in REAL, TRUE WAYS, and I DIDN'T & CANNOT lose that progress, EVEN when I "relapsed." I STILL CANNOT EVER "GO BACK" TO "BEFORE TREATMENT." We KEEP GOING.
● "All or nothing" thinking  = this is tied to the "no future" distortion? It's an attempt to AVOID RELATIVISM & LUKEWARMNESS on one level, a "fear of grey" because that "ignores the DISTINCTION between BLACK & WHITE"? It's CONTAMINATION FEAR. "DON'T MAKE IT IMPURE." I'm so afraid of NOT BEING GOOD that I'll go to extremes & ironically PERPETUATE "bad behavior" because B&W absolutist thinking IS AN OBSTACLE TO MERCY??? Like, "you've already fallen so far, you CAN'T be good unless you're BLEACHED." And I MUST discern the PROPER "middle ground," NOT a "grey space" BUT a striving FOR WHITE (virtue, goodness, HOLINESS), while IMITATING CHRIST in OFFERING JUST MERCY. Black is STILL BLACK. Sin is ALWAYS SIN. It's NOT GREY. But you DON'T HAVE TO BE STUCK THERE, THANKS TO THE CROSS! So LOOK THERE when the black overwhelms you. KEEP REPENTING. KEEP CONVERTING. GOD IS ALWAYS WASHING YOU CLEAN IN HIS MERCY, ESPECIALLY THROUGH CONFESSION, which CALLS OUT SIN for EXACTLY WHAT IT IS, black as tar... in order to RESTORE you TO PURITY BY CHRIST'S BLOOD. "All or nothing" is ironically TRUE, because GOD IS ALL & SIN IS NOTHINGNESS. But DON'T DESPAIR, because "nothingness" CAN'T WIN. Just GET BACK UP IMMEDIATELY & run into your loving Father's waiting & open embrace.
✳ I AM WAY TOO PRONE TO SUGGESTIONS/ "IMPLANTED" THOUGHTS. This is disturbing & is TIED DIRECTLY into my self-distrust, "appeasement" instinct, & history of gaslighting? I IMMEDIATELY "default" to WHATEVER others TELL me I am or am not feeling, even if deep down I "know" it's wrong somehow, BUT I IMMEDIATELY DISSOCIATE to "SHUT THAT OFF" so I FORGET my ACTUAL feelings & "EMPTY" myself in order to BLINDLY ACCEPT & CONFORM to THEIR "ORDERS," EVEN IF IT WASN'T INTENDED AS SUCH. If I say "I'm angry" and someone MISHEARS, "you're happy?" My brain INSTANTLY accepts THAT as "TRUE" & FORCES "HAPPINESS" BY DISSOCIATION & PUSHING "APPEASEMENT MODE" which is TOTALLY SUBMISSIVE & INCAPABLE OF "SELF"-ASSERTION. But deep inside I'm STILL ANGRY & SCARED & CONFUSED & LOST because NOW WHAT, if I'm NOT "ACTUALLY" ANGRY/ I'm "FORBIDDEN" to even ACKNOWLEDGE it, because it would be "IN REBELLION"/ CONTRARY TO "THE TRUTH," which is DICTATED BY THE OTHER. And this intolerable conflict ALWAYS ends with either COMPLETE depersonalization & the "appeaser/ doll" TAKING OVER, OR in the "ABUSE TERROR" (?) instinct SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN & rendering me mute & immobile. The ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS is to LEARN to TRUST the VALIDITY/ REALITY/ TRUTH of MY OWN EMOTIONS ENOUGH TO STAND UP FOR THEM. I need to learn how to ASSERT that truth AS truth that CAN'T BE ALTERED BY MERE SUGGESTION??? Which requires REASON & DISCERNMENT, but also SELF-TRUST, which is ACTUALLY ONLY POSSIBLE AS PART OF THE SYSTEM. THAT TRUST MUST ALWAYS BE COLLECTIVE. Which makes TOTAL SENSE actually; if OTHER PEOPLE are feeling/ contributing TO those emotions, and I'm NOT acknowledging or consulting THEM, then of COURSE "I" won't be ABLE to "assert" mySELF" because I'd be IGNORING OURSELF!! We live this life & feel these emotions TOGETHER.
✳ TREATMENT RELATED: "flung around by my emotions" BECAUSE YOU WON'T LISTEN TO THEM, LET ALONE DIALOGUE!!
✳ This ALSO ACTUALLY AFFECTS "SELF-ASSERTION"?? AND "SENSE OF SELF-IDENTITY APART FROM OTHERS"?? Because I ONLY struggle with "fusing my identity with those around me" when I'm OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE SYSTEM, because I'm USED TO & even MADE FOR a "collective self-body," just INTERNALLY. I can only "DISCERN MYSELF" when I am WITH "MY OTHERS" TO DISCERN MYSELF AMONG & WITH. It makes MORE SENSE to "know MYSELF" IN THEIR LIGHT, as a PART of "US." And when I'm truly ANCHORED into that, then I DON'T try to mirror OUTSIDE people because I've FOUND my place & purpose, and ONLY THEN CAN I RESPECT the DISTINCT UNIQUENESS OF OTHERS. As for ASSERTION, to DO that REQUIRES that I "BELIEVE" that WHAT I am asserting is TRUE & RIGHT, AND THAT I HAVE THE "RIGHT" TO ASSERT IT. And if I'm speaking up FOR THE SYSTEM, I DO. I'm ALSO doing this WITH MY FAITH, as I MUST and as is JUST, now that GRACE has CONVINCED & CONVERTED MY HEART TO THE TRUTH. BUT in "CONTRAST" to that, if I'm "cut off" from my REAL IDENTITY as BOTH a CHILD OF GOD & SYSTEM MEMBER-- BOTH as a PART of a WHOLE, a BODY together-- then I CAN'T be assertive because what IS there TO assert?? I ONLY EXIST IN COMMUNION & I CAN ONLY ASSERT MY IDENTITY & NEEDS IN CONTEXT OF THAT PARTICIPATION!! Disconnected from that, I'm LOST & EMPTY. And I HAVE been disconnected for TOO LONG. No wonder "I" couldn't recover. So PLEASE, LIVE FROM THIS TRUE SPACE. HONOR & CHERISH your GOD-GIVEN IDENTITY, and for HIS sake, SELF-ASSERTION will be an act of HONOR & LOVE. ✳ "UNPROCESSED GRIEF & RAGE." This is ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE THE SYSTEM HAS BEEN DORMANT. That grief & rage is HELD IN OUR HEARTS. WE'VE SUFFERED, TOGETHER, and to DENY/ SUPPRESS/ HIDE OUR EXISTENCE & HISTORY, results in PERPETUAL STAGNATION & EMOTIONAL HOLLOWNESS-- ironically, because the TRUTH of what WE feel STILL REMAINS, buried & avoided, and ALL that pain just turns to MAGMA underground. The volcano WILL erupt eventually. And GOD WILLING I CAN'T WAIT. That's the ONLY way it CAN be processed after SO LONG of being pressurized while red-hot & agonized. It NEEDS to be brought up to the surface ENTIRELY, and it's INEVITABLE. THIS IS WHY WE ALWAYS "WAKE UP" IN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED CRISIS SITUATIONS; IT BREAKS THROUGH THE CRUST. THANKFULLY, there IS a way to "prevent a volcanic eruption" and that is by GOING UNDERGROUND & MEETING THOSE HURTING HEARTS. We DO have "lava tubes" in headspace, remember, down with the chthonics. But setting the metaphor aside, the POINT is that THE GRIEF & RAGE CAN ONLY BE PROCESSED IF IT'S UNBURIED & ACKNOWLEDGED & FELT, and it CAN ONLY BE FELT BY THE NOUSFONI THAT CARRY IT, because THEY EXPERIENCED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU CAN'T PROCESS TRAUMA THAT'S NOT "YOURS," AND APART FROM THE SYSTEM, IT'S NOT.
✳ THIS PRESENTS A NEW & VERY CONCERNING "OBSTACLE"-- MOST OF US "NEVER CAME BACK" AFTER CNC. INFINITII DIED. AND ZE WAS THE FOCUS OF THE WORST TRAUMA, BY HIR VERY FUNCTION. Literally NO ONE ELSE CAN EVEN TOUCH HIR MEMORIES/ EMOTIONS. All we have is SECONDHAND DATA from the (thankfully rare) horrific moments when the trauma got SO BAD it BROKE THROUGH specific fronter consciousness & scarred our COLLECTIVE awareness. That ONLY OCCURS under the TERROR of IMMINENT DEATH. And it DID. BUT WE CAN'T PROCESS IT as sheer panicked doom data, because it's NOT PERSONAL... and we don't know HOW to "MAKE it persona' in such a blood-close, excruciatingly intimate way, UNLESS ZE COMES BACK. Somehow. It's in God's hands. So is ze. But... step one is READING what we have. And we will see what happens.
✳ The last listed weakness, to briefly address: "panic & dissociation in social settings." To repeat, the vast majority of this is caused by disconnection from the System & from the faith. BUT the OTHER half is SENSORY OVERWHELM and we CANNOT DENY THAT CONCERN. It's a REAL ISSUE and we MUST RESPECT IT with MUTUAL respect. We can't isolate-- we don't want to-- but we ALSO CANNOT FORCE OURSELF TO SOCIALIZE BEYOND OUR GENUINE CAPACITY. We have to HONESTLY DISCERN & ASSERT OUR REAL LIMITS & NEEDS, IN ORDER TO GIVE OUR GENUINE ALL TO OTHERS WITHOUT BURNOUT (DISHONESTY)!
✳ DISSOCIATION IS A SURVIVAL RESPONSE. When we fear/ sense impending burnout, we SHUT DOWN. It's a last desperate instinctive response, in the attempt to PROTECT OUR MENTAL INTEGRITY?? Because honestly, if we're NOT acting AS a FAITHFUL System, then the "PSEUDO-SINGLETS" START TO SABOTAGE OUR INTEGRITY because they HAVE NO FOUNDATION. Therefore they CAN'T BE "HONEST" because they are UTTERLY UNMOORED from ANY DEEPER IDENTITY-- which MUST be ANCHORED in COMMUNION. Ironically, all their people-appeasing will NEVER accomplish that because YOU CAN'T CONNECT WITH OTHERS UNLESS YOU FIRST EXIST AS A PERSON DISTINCT FROM THEM. That's the paradox of love. HENCE THE TRINITY. (And YOU ARE CALLED INTO THEIR LOVE!)

 


prismaticbleed: (worried)

LOTOPHAGOI that we remember (most are M.I.A.) =

● EMMETT = green food ONLY, esp. lettuce & spinach; cilantro?? typically LEAFY greens; PURGED what WASN'T green
● AIMEE? = fed Emmett, ate what "wasn't green" in HIS food?
● FIG = sweet fruits? specifically figs
● that one girl with the cornflakes & vanilla soymilk
● ZUCCH? = bingeing on zucchini squash
● AXIS = mushrooms; prevented garbage eating
● COCO & NILLA? = chocolate/ vanilla "child desserts"; cookies, ice cream? "LIGHT BROWN"/ "powder" chocolate flavor (cocoa); NOT CANDY
● CAKE? = cake desserts, esp. vanilla/ yellow base (NO chocolate)
● CAYENNE? = spicy food & seafood in CNC; "dare you to eat it" + "entertain/ prove" in RISK context (esp. ALLERGY threat + pain)
● CHOCOLOCO? = coffee & dark chocolate, any "real" or "rich" chocolate? also PREVENTS eating it
● "THE BOAR?" = pork, ham, bacon; "SELF-OFFERING"
● the "CHUGON" and/or "blue dragon"?
● (TAUREIA & others were BINGERS in general.)
● (MOST daengels DID have some sort of food associations due to their inherent splanchnivorosity.)

Oh my gosh we DON'T HAVE PEOPLE. THAT'S WHY WE COULDN'T FOCUS/ INTEGRATE HEALING ATTEMPT DATA.
So we need to POST JOB OPENINGS, and they MUST BE SPECIFIC! AND tied to foods that CONSISTENTLY cause distress/ keep reverting/ resist healing/ trigger aversion/ are inexplicably disliked/ seen as "bad."

✳ BLUEBERRY flavor, ESP. "dried"
✳ APPLE flavor, ESP. apple cinnamon
✳ STRAWBERRY flavor (allergy, sex, filth)
✳ CRANBERRY (acid, mom, filth, binge)
✳ MANGO (jade, mess, binge, sex)
✳ PINEAPPLE (allergy, SLC, sex)
✳ RAISINS (bloodsugar, purging, filth, binge)
✳ BANANA (bloodsugar, sex, jade, animal)
✳ COCONUT (sex, vomit, tropics)
✳ PEACH (sex, CNC, rot)
✳ PEAR (sex, hell, bloodsugar, purge)
✳ PLUM (acid, mess, sex)
✳ PERSIMMON (allergy, bezoars)
✳ NECTARINE (mess, summer)
✳ DRAGONFRUIT (jade)
✳ PAPAYA (sex, bugs, jade, rot)
✳ MELONS (sex, rot, poison)
✳ POMEGRANATE (sex, mess, jade, hell, rot, trypophobia)
✳ DATES (sex, jade, bloodsugar, binge, allergy)
✳ LEMON (acid, CNC, SLC, rot)
✳ ORANGE (acid, mess, sex, binge)
✳ CORN? ESP. popcorn? (allergy, CNC, child, binge)
✳ SEAFOOD, ONCE WE DO ORAL ALLERGY TESTING? (they will be VITAL because of intimate associations)
✳ JUICE IN GENERAL?? (disturbing: drink = sex?? bloodsugar) (ALSO compounded by other fruit fears)
✳ CRACKERS? (family shame, mess, bugs, filth)
✳ SANDWICHES? (mess, binge)
✳ BREADED/ FRIED? (unhealthy, sick, CNC)
✳ POTATO, esp. BAKED? (bloodsugar, starch, allergy, UPMC)
✳ NOODLES (bloodsugar, sex, starch, phobia)
✳ TURNIPS/ PARSNIPS? (allergy, starch, mom)
✳ PUMPKIN? (allergy, halloween, SLC)
✳ BBQ, esp. "SMOKE" (hell, SLC, CNC)

✹ WE'LL NEED A WHOLE CLASS OF LOTOPHAGOI JUST FOR FRUIT!!!
EVEN BETTER, WE SHOULD COLLABORATE WITH THE LEAGUE ON THIS EFFORT!!!
(THIS NEW ERA MUST ALLOW FOR SUCH COMMUNICATION IF OUR HEART & MIND ARE TO TRULY HARMONIZE INTO AN INTEGRAL COOPERATIVE WHOLE/ FAMILY)

WHY ARE SO MANY FRUITS SEEN AS "THREATENING"? IS THERE TRAUMA? OR JUST DISTURBANCE HISTORY? (THE SHEER AMOUNT OF ASSOCIATIONS WITH "SEX" IS DISTURBING ENOUGH) An relatedly, WHY are we TERRIFIED of the thought of "BLOOD SUGAR SPIKES"?? Does that fear extend to SUGAR in general? Is it particular to form/ presentation, or globalized to concept?
✳ It's partly BOTH because it ALSO extends to CARBS which is WHY we went keto for so long!! HOW DID THIS FEAR START?? WHEN? INVESTIGATE THIS! (Also, check ARCHIVES to see if there's ANY chronological data as to WHEN we stopped eating carbs & sugar; post-2008?)

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✳ Headspace meditation in bed; feeling out COLORS in relation to FOOD in respect to the LOTOPHAGOI. We were weirdly MORE STABLE/ CONSCIOUS on SOME VITAL LEVEL when we ate AS A SYSTEM?? I think it's because the FOCUSED & SPECIFIC FUNCTIONS made experiences CLEARER & helped data MAKE SENSE, BY KEEPING IT "DISCRIMINATED"? Isolating particulars to PEOPLE prevented the "identity blur" caused by SENSORY INPUT OVERWHELM that is "EVERYTHING AT ONCE" and ultimately results in NUMBNESS due to BURNOUT, like a blown circuitboard. This ALSO exacerbates MEMORY LOSS & DISSOCIATION, and it takes SIGNIFICANT quiet/ solitary time UPSTAIRS to recover... where we CAN process/ sort things out TOGETHER.

✳ We NEED Lotophagoi FOR FEAR/ CHALLENGE/ AVERSE FOODS/ FLAVORS, so that they can be ADDRESSED AS PARTICULARS AND ALLOW FOR DIALOGUE!! These associations MUST BE TIED TO COLOR or they WON'T WORK (DISSONANCE)!!! And it CAN'T BE FORCED. Seeds CAN be planted & job offers posted, so to speak, but GOD GIVES THE LIFE. Just like no human can design the child they must be open to conceive, BOTH the conception & formation BELONG TO GOD. He just works WITH & IN us.
✳ First "search" (need jargon) = BLUEBERRY. It's an INDIGO resonance so I went to that realm. It's actually beautiful. Blueberry bushes GROW in the SNOW, but they're all SILVER with glossy WHITE leaves? And the berries are big & look like gems, it's so gorgeous. I got the strong impression that they taste DIFFERENT from "SUMMER" blueberries? which WOULDN'T PING INDIGO!!
✳ There IS a NASCENT LOTOPHAGOI for indigo/ blueberry? I saw her; she's young, like maybe 14 tops. She has ivorywhite skin like the leaves, indigo hair done up in 2 back buns oblong & big like blueberries, with some accent strands but I couldn't see clear, & I didn't "see" her face or front at all. She's wearing an indigo & silverywhite dress, the white notably being lacy like frost? Very elegant. She was at the edge of the blueberry winter woods, which lets out by that famous stone bridge. There's no name resonance whatsoever yet; she's too new & ethereal. She needs to ANCHOR into her directed function first, which will require further mindful exposure TO her resonance, which as a potential lotophagoi, IS the blueberry flavor. SHE will be the one TO eat them, so LOOK FOR HER & help CONNECT her to them whenever they are given to us! (And START FEELING FOR A NAME RESONANCE!)



food

Sep. 7th, 2024 09:38 pm
prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)


All right, let’s try to type about this somehow.


Right around Pascha of this year, according to our food diary, specifically the first week of April, our diet changed. We cut out eggs because we tested positive on three different occasions for an allergy, and needed to find a new protein source. We tried cheese, but it triggered migraines and vomiting. Then for some reason we also started eating lettuce, cauliflower, cucumbers, and raisins? I’m assuming we were told to try FODMAP again. Regardless, the food diary is marked with symptoms of intense nausea and confusion and body twitches and vomiting. We ended up in the emergency room on the 6th. We had to reintroduce eggs for a time but the photos indicate this was the “bean pasta week” which was hell. We could not stop throwing up. Sweet potatoes did the same. We cut both out quickly and went back to the normal pre-April diet, but now the diary is peppered with purgation records. Our calories hovered between 800 and 1100 tops. Then around April 26th, green beans appear in the record, with the return of cucumbers, and now zucchini as well. I know this was also doctor’s orders. It went well for two days, and then the purging started again-- notably, because I remember getting unbelievably nauseous on a regular basis from the food. By May we had cut out broccoli completely and were now eating just those three other green vegetables, with some attempts at bok choy. It looks like we brought the broccoli back in mid-May and the purging stopped for a while.
May 23rd was the gastric emptying study with the eggs and toast. After that our diet went completely back to normal again, no more zucchini cucumber hell. It also looks like this is when we definitively quit the Three Wishes cereal, and realized that’s what had been causing our intense abdominal bloating and constipation.
June began and on the 3rd suddenly BOTH oat bran and hemp hearts reappear in the diet, and eggs disappear for good by the 9th. June 8th was the MU women’s retreat day. There’s still some on and off purging, almost always after dinner-- we were eating three bags of broccoli for carbs and the sheer volume would set it off. We also started weighing our food by this time. Our daily calories increase to 1100 by July.
July 28th is the colonoscopy prep period with the rice and green beans and babyfood turkey. This was a very difficult week psychologically and it set the stage for later compulsive binges.
I need to check the calendar to see how many we had over this time period, because sometimes we forget to list them in the food diary. All I know for sure is that there was a terrific spike in August, as I know that over half the days were binge-purge days, even if we just binged on broccoli.

So we’re struggling now. The cycle has gotten a grip around our throat and it is so difficult to stop. Even though our daily calories have gone up from ~900 in April to about 1400 in September-- a HUGE increase-- thanks to eating such a deficit for months, our weight is hovering around 90lbs and we still admittedly want it to drop lower. On good mornings, when we step on the scale, it’s 88lbs.
But the point is this. We want to stop bingeing and purging. We know it’s a sin. We also know it’s an addiction. We want to stop, but God help us we don’t want to stop either. We’re so bloody hungry. It’s nowhere near what it was like in North Carolina, or even up at the old house with grandma, that is true-- we were out of control back then, ravenous and destructive, insatiable and desperate. We didn’t know God back then. That’s what changed.
Now, we’re still starving, but…

It hit me today that we’re constantly angry. We’re miserable and exhausted and terrified. The OCD compulsions we used to have around the time the Julie days began, notably spitting and handwashing due to “contamination fear,” have returned for the first time in over a decade at the least. They’re debilitating. What triggered this? The feelings of shame and guilt and filth and evil are unbearable. It all feels tied to eating. Is it because our conscience is working again now? Is it because we know we’re sinning at least twice a week now, bingeing and purging, starving and stuffing this poor wrecked body, and although God knows we want to quit He also must know we’re so bloody hungry? What do we do?

We have a new nutritionist now, a male, a couple years younger than us. He’s actually accepting of our limitations and is willing to work with them-- when we told him dairy inevitably makes us uncontrollably vomit, he actually said “okay, then we won’t eat dairy,” which shocked us as we’re so used to being told to just eat it regardless and take a Zofran or something, which doesn’t help. The only trouble is this: he’s still giving us dietary recommendations, in order to increase our weight and fix our nutrient macros, and this triggers Iscah’s kneejerk “must be a good girl” food compulsions which means we KEEP forcing ourselves to “try eating normal people foods” even if they hurt, even if they make us sick, in order to be “good” and obedient and self-effacing. It’s just perpetuating the binge-purge hell loops. It feels like there is no end, no way out, until we CAN “do it.” So the forcing keeps happening until “one day we won’t get sick anymore.” But what if that never happens? We forced those bloody eggs for months, knowing we tested positive for an allergy but not taking it seriously until it was double confirmed, in the meantime just taking Benadryl twice a day and “getting used to” the hives and burning eyes and dizziness and runny noses. But the point is it wasn’t going away. No matter how much we forced, it couldn’t change the actual consequences. Same with the green beans, and the cheese, and the bean pasta. No matter how many attempts we made, we kept puking, because the nausea and stomach distress was so bad. We tried so hard, we really did. At what point is it “right” to “accept” the “fact” that maybe we “can’t” eat those foods? Right now we’re “not allowed to” even suggest such a thought. It’s “wrong.” It’s “evil” and “bad” and “disobedient.” You were told to eat that food, so you eat it, no matter how you feel, and one day you won’t feel anything anymore. Isn’t that “how it works”?
I’m typing all this out and it is just… exactly parallel to sexual abuse. No one is surprised.
It must be translating as this. We have no working memory of the abuse so our psyche must be funneling it into the food, because they’re practically the same thing in the end.

We’re not getting very far with most of our therapists with this. We’re seeing four of them right now, plus a psychiatrist and a case manager. Of them all, only one therapist is making real progress and thank God for her-- literally, I think the only reason why we’re getting somewhere there is because she is Christian and makes that an ACTIVE and PROMINENT part of our treatment, which is AMAZING and makes the whole process make so much more sense. But she and we are focusing on childhood trauma, which is hugely significant and deeply disturbing to be honest… you don’t realize how many bad seeds were planted back then, until you start tracing the rotten roots.
But… when will we ever get to discuss and heal from adult trauma? Will we have to one day actually, finally, honestly discuss the Julie Days with a therapist? How?

Right now, we’re haunted by food. That’s blinding us to everything else. The sense of shame and sin is devastating. We cannot escape it. It’s every waking moment. We’re haunted and hungry and horrified and hateful, which is an awful way to live, but honestly “we” despise “ourself” so much right now for this eating disorder, we wish we could just turn it off.
But we’re so hungry.
THAT’S the bizarre obstacle here. Something-- someone for sure-- in our psyche is resisting healing, in a sense refusing to “give up” bingeing because she’s so scared that if she does, she will starve to death. WHY. We’re getting 1400 calories a day now! We’re eating food, even if we don’t want to; we’re being obedient and accountable to the authorities that told us to eat! We’re a “good girl” in that sense, aren’t we? So why are we so miserable? Why do we still feel like no matter what we’re eating, we’re never satisfied? We’re always hollow and empty and want to cry. Even with binges, we hate them-- the only thing “enjoyable” about them is the ridiculously ritualistic and systematic and methodical hours that they involve, all the cooking and sorting and picking and ordering and cleaning. What is this doing for our mind that we “need”? What need is this trying to meet, however disastrously and misguidedly?

Another obstacle to healing is a recent and massive spike in daily anxiety and panic attacks. We weren’t like this back in July, I don’t think. Were we? I don’t know.
Back when Anxiety herself first appeared in June, at long last, I remember we were already promising ourself to “never binge again” after certain dates. We genuinely tried so hard to just cold-turkey quit, over and over and over. But all the travel, all the doctors, the consistent lack of sleep, the recurring financial crises, it just… some nights we would just be so exhausted and hungry and overstressed that we would just give up and give in. 7pm breakfast means you don’t even try to keep it down, so you might as well eat ten bags of broccoli so your body is tricked into thinking it ate something worthwhile. You get the idea.

It’s been so hard to “obey” the “rules” about food too. Someone started arbitrarily breaking them and now we can’t seem to stop again. They got a taste of the forbidden fruit and promptly became addicted, even it it tasted disgusting, even if they didn’t actually want it-- but they “HAD to want it”; they “HAD to try it again” for whatever reason.
I don’t understand it. What are they trying to prove? What answers are they trying to get? What end goal are they pursuing here? What is their actual motivation? Why can’t they just quit eating the foods we aren’t allowed to eat? Why are they so scared to let go again? What is the fear underlying all of this?

There’s so much music we can’t listen to anymore because music is always, always powerfully tied to “life eras”, however brief. We get flashbacks to them immediately and it can be terrifying. So much of this year’s music is tied to small periods of eating disorder wars, certain “food cycles” even if they only lasted for a few days, and even specific days that were psychologically harrowing enough to latch onto whatever music we had heard that day.
We haven’t listened to any new music in weeks, really. I think it’s a desperate coping mechanism. We’re trying so hard to escape from this hell; it’s better if there isn’t any future soundtrack tied to it. That way it won’t be remembered.

Right now, after weeks of grueling battles, the addiction has been pared down to the weirdly specific combination of beans+rice+oats+carrots, and chocolate chip granola bars. It’s so weird. But that’s it. Everything else is lingering around the edges, but the more rules we put up around them, and/or the more fear is tied to them, the easier it is to resist them.
Still. Chocolate is the oldest forbidden food. It’s a “sex food,” an abuse food, with real trauma tied to it. Granola is a “sworn off” food for penitential reasons. So why are “chocolate granola bars” allowed right now? ARE they? Or is someone just spitting hairs, like they do with everything else that’s edible?
In any case, I pray this ends soon. Chocolate is still so frightening it’s making me shake just thinking about it now. Maybe it’s the fact that granola bars have such tiny bits of chocolate in them that it “doesn’t register” as chocolate. But WHY are we “wanting” to eat them anyway? Granola bars themselves are a MASSIVE trauma food! You remember the bathroom events! What the heck are we trying to prove here? How did this even start? I hope it ends soon. It inevitably will, we just need the data and the consequences solid. Once its emptiness is tangible, it’ll stop.

Why are we so “hungry.”
If we just quit this all at once, if we stopped eating oats and beans and rice, why do “we” “fear” that it would “make us miserable”? That’s a blatant untruth. We’re MUCH happier when we’re NOT bingeing and purging. But… there is a fear of some sort of “loss.” So what is being mistranslated? What are we actually afraid of losing?
Additionally, why do we feel like we “HAVE to binge” on stress days? Why can’t we just fast? We WANT to, God knows-- so why won’t we? What is this fear that keeps coming up, this fear of not eating, even though we still really and consciously “hate” eating on any given day?

That’s the root of it, I think. If I had to point my finger at something that really felt like a siren going off, that would be it. We HATE eating. There is actual HATRED towards food. And yet, simultaneously, we are so hungry. We “want” to eat our carrots and hempseed and broccoli. But it’s unfulfilling and empty and frustrating and leaves us anxious and angry and wanting to cry and throw up.
What do we actually “want”? If we hate food, and we hate eating, then what are we actually looking for in our compulsive frightened “I have to eat” panic-- especially since we still want to starve?
The ambivalence is driving us insane. We have no clear answers yet.
Don’t forget all of this is still somehow tied to abuse and violation. We’re going to have to face that knot at
some point. Until we start to untangle that, we probably
won’t get anywhere on the surface.

All the ICC lectures lately have been indispensable. They are literally rewiring our brain and our heart. Make sure you remember and study and pray about and reflect upon everything they’ve taught us.
But… don’t get crushed under the weight of guilt they deliver, either. Guilt is a sign that your conscience is working. Don’t shut it off. But don’t despair, either. God is walking you through these steps. You NEED to know WHERE and HOW you’re going wrong before you can fix it, and we COULDN’T know this spiritual side of it on our own, only through this revelation. So treasure it, take it seriously, and act on it with God’s grace. But… realistically we can’t expect to “fix this” overnight, or in one shot. We’re most likely going to struggle still. This is spiritual warfare after all. But do not despair. Don’t give up. Don’t try to pretend this is easy, or that we truly understand, or anything else the thriskefoni like to do. We have to be sober and realistic about this. No sugarcoating, no whitewashing. This is indeed hell we’re stuck in. But Christ keeps reaching down to us and dragging us out every time we fall back into this bloody open grave. Don’t give up. Keep reaching up to Him.
He doesn’t hate you because sometimes you think this grave is your doom. Sometimes we think this is all there is and we don’t fight very well at all. Sometimes we get comfortable and we settle in a little. But Christ never hates you. He never gives up on you. Don’t give up on Him. He’s not trying to crush you with this knowledge, He’s giving you sharp graces that will strengthen you to fight better. Trust Him. You’ve been praying for this.
What I’m trying to say is… we’ve been convicted so powerfully it feels like we’ve been stabbed in the chest. We’re afraid we’re going to die, forever, if we cannot or do not put that knowledge into practice immediately and perfectly. Is that pride? The fear is intense. I don’t want to choose hell. I’m so afraid of damnation because I’m too damn weak to give up eating rice and beans on Tuesday nights. Isn’t that asinine? What the heck is actually going on here?
Christ, please, don’t let me go to hell because I’m currently not strong enough to really, definitively say “no” to these hungry compulsions.

It’s terrifying, to KNOW that I’ve “already decided” to binge on Tuesday night. I don’t want to, but I “want to.” There’s a “have to” in there somewhere, concerning the “practice eating” to “get used to” certain foods and meals that we “have to” eat. Et cetera. Vomiting is inevitable at some point, so might as well force it now and get it over with-- it’s better to control its occasion than to be blindsided by it. Isn’t that sad?
There’s so much fear. It’s enough to make you want to give up on living. It feels like there’s no escape.
But that’s not God’s Spirit. Where is our fortitude? Or rather, what battle do we ACTUALLY need to fight here? What would fortitude look like in practice here? What would REAL justice be in this situation? What is ACTUALLY wise? How can we be prudent in TRUTH?

God I’m exhausted, please forgive me, I want to sleep. Tomorrow is church. I’m so tired. I do want to worship. Help us to do that, no matter what. Don’t ever lose us.
The Eucharist is the key to everything, somehow. Please don’t send us to hell. Help us understand, truly. Help us to not be afraid. Heal us somehow. Help us to let You heal us. Please, don’t give up on us. Get us to heaven one day, no matter what. But please, please don’t kill us in the meantime. Don’t let us end up dead because of our stupidity. Please help us. Open our eyes. Give us the grace to WANT to act healthily. Please. Restore our capacity for joy. I don’t know what I’m trying to ask but You do. Deep down somewhere we feel so dead that it’s hard to even want to be healthy, even though we do, because being healthy means having no broken coping mechanisms which means facing whatever they’re trying to numb and I don’t think we can handle facing that gravestone reality. Heal THAT, Lord, please. There are so many layers here. Still, You can fix it all. I know You can. Please do so, moment by moment, in Your good time, in Your real love. Don’t let us die in our weakness and sins. Please heal us for good, for real, gently but permanently. Please don’t hurt us. Please help us. Help us to love You more completely, and help us to not be afraid of Your love. Amen.

I’ve got to sleep. Thank You God for helping us to have at least typed something tonight. We’ll do more tomorrow hopefully. Until then, please bless and forgive and protect and heal us. May we be transformed day by day into Your likeness. May we be remade new in Your image, and may we never sin again. Amen. Good night.

 

100923

Oct. 9th, 2023 09:23 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

Morning pain & fatigue still terrible.
Wondering if I'm getting sick. The dyspnea is coming back even and its been MONTHS.

Readings= Jonah & the Good Samaritan
Jonah's fellow passengers were SHOCKINGLY RELIGIOUS? Even though superstitious. They had the grace to RECOGNIZE THE TRUE GOD in His works too.
Priest & Levite saw robbed man as UNCLEAN even in his need-- and it was an "UNCLEAN" Samaritan that loved him enough TO help him
Also that road was dangerous??? Man I need to study it; there are obviously DEPTHS of meaning i am unaware of.
Both readings haunting me-- I have been Jonah, i have been the robbed man. But God has STILL SAVED ME in both. Stop dwelling on the fall, on the shame & horror. Refocus on GOD'S ACTIVE LOVE FOR YOU NEVERTHELESS.

Beautiful adoration & Lauds; Mass ran overtime so we got SUNLIGHT.

Jade shower
BK prep with prayers. Anxiety so bad.
Cleanup with prayers too. So badly dissociated.
Why does Jade STILL disturb us so much??
Here I'll tell you, stop talking to an audience and be honest=
- Actual devil music
- Drug obsession
- Life revolves around that satanic webcomic
- Scary contacts. Eyes look inhuman
- That giggly laugh that is EXACTLY a trauma trigger
That enough for you?
Yeah we love them AS OUR BROTHER LOST UNDER ALL THAT, but that very junkheap of spiritually corrupt hyperintellectual delusion is SO UPSETTING that all we can do is pray & be kind.
They're not our enemy. The devil they listen to is. So we will use the weapons of Christ. We will continue in steadfast love of family, in patience and gentleness, and in constant prayer.

Said Joyful rosary on bike. Needed it. 2nd & 4th mystery hit with pure tenderness today. Each recital the meaning deepen. Remembering yesterday's EDE devotional about "God's Presence" manifest in the Joys & how the Rosary as a whole is inherently Eucharistic.
Main Prayers done! Still our heart loves praying now. We still like to meditate on them as we go about our day.

ALSO its Saint John Neumann's feast day? We don't know much about him BUT he's a local guy AND we got that beautiful biography of him from church last month, at random, which we feel very pushed to read. Gotta put time aside today.
ALSO today is SAINT DENIS, who gets GORGEOUS art as he is a blessed cephalophore (not a squid. We explained this to Mimic)

STILL took until 2pm to eat. No matter what we do, that's the earliest we get to sit down. Write out this schedule so we can clearly see time slots/banks.

Noticing that whenever we see a person's face on the internet, especially when talking "to us," our brain INSTANTLY starts judging their appearance??? AGAINST OUR WILL. And it's bizarre, like "their voice is too sharp" or "their face looks like a mouse" or "i don't like that color shirt" etc. BUT ALL OF THOSE COMMENTS SECRETLY END WITH "--BECAUSE IT SCARES ME." So what the heck is actually going on here?? Is this compulsive hyperjudging a FEAR RESPONSE??? Are we afraid this person is potentially an ABUSER, or a similar threat of trauma, and we are "picking out the tells" as thoroughly and insanely as possible?
...
In any case it's both heartbreaking and frustrating. We HATE this compulsion. We WANT to think NICE things about people, but the immediate fearful thought reply is "but what if they hurt you because you let your guard down"??? Dude that sounds like our MOTHER, how much of THIS comes from our upbringing too???
...
It's also disturbingly fascinating that this "self-defense" response ONLY KICKS IN WHEN WE'RE "OBSERVING", like on a screen, NOT INTERACTING in person or on call. In THOSE cases, we go SOCIAL MODE AND THE DEFENSE RESPONSE SHUTS OFF. In fact the OPPOSITE happens-- we start HYPERPRAISING instead!! We start FAWNING when we're so trapped, instead of "fleeing" with the judgments when we're alone and so we CAN RUN.
...


Picture prayers = asking Jesus & Mary to HEAL OUR BIRTHNAME from sin & shame so that we CAN be an "I."
That's the HARDEST THING but it's ESSENTIAL to the afterlife. The System is effectively ANGELIC at its best-- they guide the Core towards God, and are messengers of His Love, BUT THEY DON'T DRIVE THE BODY. Yes I can still say "us" as our existence IS collective, BUT WE NEED A PERMANENT CORE and that Core MUST BE ABSOLUTELY ROOTED IN CHRIST.
The more we learn about the true Faith, the more we realize we have to do, and haven't been doing. With knowledge comes responsibility.
We cannot disown our body. We cannot act like it's a prison or sack of meat.
We cannot disown our gender.
We cannot disown our history as a human.
...
...
I prayed, with fear & trust, that I want to "start this journey today." I want a new identity in Christ, one that CAN have eternal life, so that when He returns-- soon for sure-- I CAN joyfully run to embrace Him, AS A CONSCIOUS & CONCRETE INDIVIDUAL. I don't have that yet. I need it for salvation. So Lord, please give me what I need to be WHO You need me TO be!!!


Evening =
We got SO cold and chilled we got the heater out and switched into light sleep pants instead of shorts, and a t-shirt instead of a tank.
Now I don't know if it's our fibromyalgia or what but we are now having SUCH A MASSIVE PANIC ATTACK. We legit feel like the world is ending. WHY.
I'm trying to offer it up as a cross but Lord it's shockingly heavy. He anxiety and fear is SO BAD. Is it because of the increased touch input? The texture? The warmth? Whatever it is it is DISTURBING US SO BADLY. I might have to put the shorts back on.
Update = three minutes later I did, haha. INSTANT PROFOUND RELIEF. WHAT THE HECK DUDE??? 



...Mom just called. She had a mammogram and they found a mass.
...
All I can do is pray. All I can do is pray. It's all in God's hands.
But please, oh PLEASE God, don't let me screw this up like I did with grandma. Don't let me waste a moment.




090723

Sep. 7th, 2023 10:45 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)
 
Audio notes please correct this later

Morning mass adoration
I felt something in my heart change completely. Being in front of the tabernacle feels like nothing else in the world. Once you're there you never want to leave it's the most beautiful thing.
I only stayed about 10 minutes today because of therapy but I want to stay Longer from now on we will work up to a hour.

Therapy talked about everything we've been writing from the hospital journal
Realizing so many old minds had taught to us as a child
Emphasizing the link between Eating disorder in sxabuse

So so so depressed looking at Tumblr People hating on religion
Actually wanted to cry felt so sick and wrong inside
Said the luminous mysteries while listening to that milky way song on loop and it helped a lot
Prayer always does it gives me such deep peace in my soul.
Also I specifically and solidly made up my mind I will never lose the Faith by the grace of God.  If I have any say in the matter with my free will then I will choose to have Faith in him. I will choose to trust him no matter what people say about him. I have seen and known his love and I know that he is true. All of the people that hate him and hate religion are working on just that hate!!  Just like the pharmacies in the passion. They were spiteful and cruel and hateful and unkind and unbelieving. They were not careful or Intelligently seeking truth, They were not humble they were not open-minded or open-hearted. The people who do act that way are the ones who ultimately And inevitably love jesus. So if we are like him if we are meek and Humble and honestly seeking truth and to follow it in love, If we seek God with all our hearts we will never hate and we will Never hate jesus.
"What the Spirit brings is very different: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control. Since the Spirit is our life, let us be directed by the Spirit."
I generally want to evangelize so badly I want to see people Learn to love him because he is so worth loving.
The daily devotional today on Esther touched on that point too.

Breakfast prep frozen carrots problem
Actually challenged on this with a daily devotional. What is God trying to tell you right now through your trials?  How can you seek him and draw closer to him during this time?
Open us app to learning and to growth seeing possibilities in loving God  guidance instead of assuming punishment and beating ourselves up.
As it turned out this whole fiasco made us realize that we need to buy carrots on Saturday. We have trusted enough to last and also shows us that they last a full week approximate. And it shows us that yes things can freeze if you put them in the back of the refrigerator. So this was not a chastisement for sin at all. It was a way of learning things that we would have no realization  That we needed to learn otherwise. Hard lesson but required for this.
So yeah trust him God even when things make no sense and are scary. He is still working believe me and he still loves you very very much.

Daily devotional fear of God seeing Imaginative space with infi talking to someone about it?  Almost heartspace.
Mentioning that they're not a literal angel because of an angel falls they are doomed forever. An angel has full knowledge of God so if they disobey they are Falling from eternity.  Infinitii said no I am born from man, Like from their soul and free will therefore She has a soul and free will too. No direct knowledge of divinity like an actual angel. I know they briefly mentioned that they fell In their own awful unique way With the whole Oliver situation.  Said they were so used to obeying and doing what Was wanted or expected of them that they never considered it could be wrong. Or that the person asking didn't realize how damaging it was.
J realizing it was all in third person, which prevents self-awareness, which is keeping infi from being reformed or conscious. They are being existing as an echo not as an actual person. They still can't cope with the trauma so they're not reforming but this is proof that their soul is still existing.
Mimic disturbed asking "is this what it's going to be like for us if we go into the league." Jewel said no because this was only a third person thing; infi couldn't exist in the first person. There was no way to interact with someone directly in that sort of a space.
We need a name for the kind of space. It's not heartspace because heartspace is first person and interactive. But this is the kind of space that Joel would get league daydreams in where you can't actually reach in or step, You can't enter it and talk to the people because they're not awake???  Very unique we need to explore this more and remember it.

That 1 kid we thought was a jewel because she looks like her is actually not
Mimic realized she existed when she kept making brain radio references. He asked why we have a brain radio in the first place? like, what's it trying to do?
He and Laurie actually realized that it is catching onto triggers, just like trauma.  It is pattern recognition. It is reminded of something from long ago and says, "Hey I recognize that!" and immediately spits out the data. Whether or not it's relevant or appropriate or healthy. It's just ecstatic that it recognized the pattern and it Allegedly knows what this is. But yeah that is the exact same mechanism that trauma triggers and flashbacks work.
This girl just repeats things like that. She points out reminders and mirrors and reflections. The smallest thing will trigger a memory and she will just start Rattling off non-stop. But she apparently can't control it Because when we call her out on it she's very ashamed.

Remember last week
The potato chip flashback Shock of the theme park
Kyanos fronting in the bathroom to stop a massive panic attack
Celebi's baby moving through TIME instead of space

Remember yesterday and the day's prior, Mimic and chaos saying our Scripture prayer together and mimic shocked at how chaos feels More than he speaks. There's a deep clarity of understanding to the words because it's not speaking So much as it is knowing and expressing, heart versus mind. But not in opposition, in unity.
Today he and j pray together, And realizing that they are perfect compliments. Chaos prays more through the heart like water deep, J actually prays more through the head like sparkling light. But together it's a perfect compliment of the deep feeling that chaos gives,  And the bright and hopeful knowledge That j gives. He's more about language and poetry, When he speaks there's a clarity to it. But it can be incomplete without that depth of Emotion and roots and anchors That chaos gives. It's the light on top of the water in the darker depths beneath. Both are needed and both are beautiful.

Praying about the league
I want to share the beauty of the Faith with those who have no vocabulary for faith.  To reach hearts who are closed to faith,  And plants that tiny seed by the grace of god, through his beauty and trust and love shown in those stories.

Laurie CONSTANTLY and EMPHATICALLY pointing me to God whenever I look to her
Today's devotional especially. God most worthy of deserving all my trust, praise, respect, and heart, always guiding & teaching & comforting. Always trustworthy, AND faithful, meaning loyally devoted TO us! Only one Who is holy, source of it, and of love. etc. She briefly but strongly defending all these assertions
Beautiful etymology for "respect" btw

Allergy scare? And so much random pain & discomfort
Accepting & offering it up. Praying for grace to truly love suffering, not masochistic or selfhating like we used to.

PACKAGE DELIVERED
BEAUTIFUL MOONGLASSES


032723

Mar. 27th, 2023 11:36 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)


we are STILL WRECKED and i just miraculously surfaced from a solid hour of negative dissociation (terrible) so here we are attempting to update.

morning. woke up at 10. oddly lovely outside. decided to just lie in bed with chaos 0 and say the rosary on his aquamarine one.
shockingly non-stressful. took a huge burden of panic off the day itself too, now that the biggest prayer was done.
barely remember getting ready, typical. no idea who fronts during that time or if it's just an automated blur with everyone upstairs (most likely).

went to church at 1130 as usual.
readings hit hard. susanna and the adulterous woman. felt julie AND infi upstairs weeping.
homily had one absolutely killer sentence. we were so brainfogged we barely comprehended it but the core of it struck our heart. exact words were "god is not a divine watchman." he is not waiting for you to mess up so he can punish you. "jesus delights to forgive us" essentially. still reeling from it. we've heard that truth a thousand times but it always sinks in deeper. he did not throw the stone. he never will. boggles the mind

afterwards went to doctor. different guy-- nurse assistant. heavyset dude but in that "soft edged" way that is weirdly safe on guys??? like he was completely rounded off. no edges. but SAFE. why is that not so with adult women? is that just motherfear??
anyway. incredibly amiable, elbow-bumped us twice which was great. very upbeat and bright voiced. honestly an uplifting appointment, that's not something you usually say after a doctor's visit haha. he ordered blood tests: our routine CMP to check for electrolyte levels (we're STILL twitchy), a testosterone check, and a pulmonary function test? because of all this sudden-onset dyspnea. had to drive to other clinic to get it done.
decided to do so. system was a bit unsure but i said dude tomorrow's schedule will be worse. so we went up. walked right in, barely waited two minutes, then this adorable phlebotomist with a krylon red waistlength ponytail, cinnamoroll backpack, plush white jacket, and nazar bracelets called us back. seriously she was SO CUTE.
bruise was out for the blood draw. they are so elusive, only show up for that. they still remember the hospital they were "born" in. can't get their face or overlay but we know it's them. so many foni like that-- rare, vague, but real. honestly i love them. i treasure their existences.
we were really bleeding??? they only took one vial but the needlejab kept bleeding. she asked if we were on blood thinners, we said no, but mentally thought, welp this is what all that black pepper does i guess. made a mental note to cut back geez

went straight home. body starting to feel a little off, unsurprisingly because it was already almost 3 which meant like 18 hours fasting again. man.
looped "yankı" and "teletype" this ENTIRE time btw, mostly the latter. they are our current song addictions. for the record, a song only goes on our looplist when it resonates. so, whatever the state of our heart-mind is currently, those two songs match it. we really should make a list somewhere and keep track of this-- i never realized how much it says about our psyche at any given moment. that's vital information.
for the record, jonathan higgs is ALSO tops on our list of "gender euphoria" voices actually. which seems bizarre because he's alongside liam mckahey and philip kane and ed harcourt and the like, BUT jon has that way of singing that is all hiccupy and gasping breaths and faltering tight vocals and it's gorgeous what the heck. we would love to sound like that when we sing, it's so raw and honest and real. strangely heartfelt. we love it.
also for the record, that IS scalpel's legit singing voice. several 'foni do have external voicematches in song, which is ANOTHER list we have to make, and it's a beautiful thing to hear and realize. it's also so powerful an anchor that it can boost life and love into one's soul to such an extent... i can't find the words but remember, the ONLY reason we even FOUND scalpel was BECAUSE of that one awful beautiful day in CNC when we put "get to heaven" on loop and just tried to run away. and he just woke up for real. totally and tangibly. i will never forget how it felt, in that moment when suddenly his existence was undeniable in our chest, in our mind, in our life. singing with that voice. i think that's our favorite moment from the whole time we were out there, offhand at least. it transcended everything else.

oh man still so much more to type. why are we so ragged tired.
sorry we didn't take notes today, that would have made it easier, but our schedule was a mess.

breakfast prep. honestly the highlight of our day besides mass. everyone is together.
on that note everyone is trying to figure out "jobs" to ensure they are part of it. it sounds silly at a glance, but really it's cooperation. it's living as a family, really. as a community of souls united. it means so much. this new daily normal of friendship and love and conversation is amazing because we could NEVER have this externally. socials CANNOT do this. it is only possible inside. thank God, thank You God for this apartment, for this blessedly rich aloneness, for this quiet outside and joy inside.
quick note on that previous point. one of the "jewels"-- the one who is more of a "mental manager," still unsure if she's a total separate or just a facet of the main dreamwalker-- actually SHIFTED the nia/emma/"sheralene" trio INTO "STORYSPACE"??? not leaguespace, but CLOSE. it's a floatrealm of "potentiality" in which they can exist in a greater context as PEOPLE and not just "fleeting" socials that exist for hyperspecific jobs and then inevitably die when said jobs disappear or are changed. really, roni like that ABSOLUTELY need their own jargon; they are ONLY born when the mind is fractured and/or unstable enough to not be able to cope with changes in context/ behavior/ environment, and needs to hypersegregate functions THAT MUCH in order to function at all. like doppelgangers, though, they are not meant to stick around. theirs are brief lives, and it's effectively impossible to bring them upstairs as a result. they are doomed UNLESS APPARENTLY JEWEL DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
even so. lynne asked her why, was it just out of annoyance with them? like was this action done for an impure reason? jewel said partly, admittedly, but that was only because of the MENTAL EXHAUSTION that was happening from having to suddenly SHIFT TO SOCIAL MODE EVERY TIME THEY SHOWED UP. then we'd have to go back upstairs, then back down, etc. like a whiplash, as we said. jewel said it was getting so excruciating, both in pain and overwhelm, that she had to do something. otherwise we risked tearing the system apart.
so. julie and lynne did the carrots instead, while talking to xenophon who was ghosting, AND listening to the conversation from everyone else upstairs in the background. and THAT showed us something ELSE amazing-- THAT KIND OF "BACKUP" FRONTING PREVENTS DISSOCIATIVE SOCIAL-PROGRAM BEHAVIOR!! when julie is fronting with her overlay in focus, but lynne is at her shoulder upstairs, that combined "external action BUT internal anchor" based on TWO PEOPLE is powerfully solid and it keeps everyone FOCUSED AND REAL. i must emphasize: NOT SO WITH SOCIALS!!! socials are infamous for being so disheveled and blurry-minded that not only can they not resist body impulses or programmed behaviors, they also don't record memories on their own and have NO DEPTH OF IDENTITY. we can apparently bypass ALL that catastrophe by having two people drive this body. so that was a VITAL realization today.

other things...

there was some brief but notable "flirting" between julie and infinitii. there was last night, too, with the chocolate kisses. no one is surprised that those two get along so well, but on the other hand, it's a legit MIRACLE that the both of them are in a position to do so safely and affectionately. they both have the WORST pasts in the entire system, arguably. so it's nice, honestly so, seeing such interactions.

at SOME POINT during prep, i cannot remember what prompted it because we were admittedly dissociating right before, but memory kicks in with scalpel saying, about leon, "i could be his boyfriend" in response to some question. totally guileless, like it was just regular conversation. that endearing obliviousness he has. leon just stopped everything, not looking at him, silent as the impact of those words hit home. laurie effectively said to scalpel "that's a seriously significant function, man, do you really realize what that entails?" and to everyone's surprise, scalpel got serious & noble and said "yeah. it means i'd be there for him, and i'd care for him, and i'd be his constant friend, and i'd love him no matter what. i can do that, if he wants me to." HONESTLY SCALPEL WHAT MOTIVATED THIS.
anyway. i think laurie was responding with a similar "wow okay so i guess you do know what you're signing up for" when suddenly leon turns and throws his arms around scalpel and starts to sob. for his credit, scalpel immediately and strongly returned the embrace with notable earnestness, then asked (with no timidity at all, mind) if he had said something out of place, or jumped the gun, or whatever. leon said no, that was pretty much why he was reacting like this. cannot remember their conversation; that's only right, as it was meant to be more personal, even if everyone was around (that's default up here in any case). i do remember leon weeping over nathaniel at one point. "i miss him so much." scalpel responding to this with utmost warmth by pursuing the topic, gently. just leading statements about nat. "he was such and such... right?" that sort of thing. focus entirely off of himself. just genuine concern & comforting. but geez. it was so sweet to see. also remember that at one point at the beginning, when leon was talking through tears, scalpel responded in comfort by just turning briefly to kiss him on the head, firmly and with utmost compassion. reminded me of laurie, but different underlying vibe. reds are so... geez i keep using the word "guileless." candid. ingenuous. at heart they're totally open. laurie said that they're, amusingly enough, sanguine. which sums it up perfectly really.
so yeah. that happened. it was deeply sweet and honestly jay has been "feeling it" under the radar from leon at least for about a week now if not longer. different with scalpel he says-- warm hues and cool hues hold emotions differently. if you lean blue, you're more quiet, reflective, holding hopes inside, waiting, dreaming, softer, hiding depths. if you lean red, you're more forthright, direct, expressing things openly, being more spontaneous, solid and steady, acting on dreams, warm and bright and simpler. hard to put into words. it's all feeling. of course this varies with tints and shades and people who are "inbetween" like laurie, haha.
but it's really nice. we do need to think and feel about that more. jay's good at getting "vibe" data from people, need better jargon for that too because we don't like the cultural use of that word. frustrating. want to use words like "ether" and "aura" but those have newagey junk associations. ah well. we will think of something.


for the record, because it makes us smile, here's the current breakfast prep gang.
laurie: keeps everyone on track and gives the orders
jay: initial tool & ingredient prep, also broccoli apparently
xenophon: cheerleader, keeps fronters stable, gets bonus food
julie: olive oil, also typically fronts for generalized behavior
lynne: carrots
leon: eggs
knife & razor: cutting up the eggs
scalpel & phlegmoni: cayenne pepper bros
celebi: salt (the "second most important thing," her and julie bantering)
spice: black pepper & cinnamon, also making sure the previous three people don't go crazy
genesis, infi, and chaos 0: hang out upstairs and keep the conversation interesting
galadia: possibly giving her triscuit duty? (right now it's jay & julie)
algorith: straight-up throws the towel on the chair
barry: shows up just to get his name on the list
mimic: stabbing the water bottles
it's great. we love it.
we honestly want to bring more people into this. even if just for that hour or so every morning. that attention is still life-sustaining, loving, and precious. the more we can give to each other, the more time we can share, the better.


ate from like... 330 to 430. cleaned everything up then read the church book club chapters for tonight (we need to read them right before or we will forget from how much else gets memorystored over it).
cannot remember the meeting, as usual. socialmode takes over. we still don't know "who" is in charge. it's a familiar vibe, for sure, but it's still unnamed and uncolored and ungraspable? like that person is completely unpingable outside of her context. honestly though that's typical for socials; they DON'T EXIST UPSTAIRS or it would BREAK THEIR FUNCTION. emphasizing that because it's the opposite of the internal nousfoni. again, hyperspecificity. no bleedover, no blurring.
however, there is vague memory data again where it brushed closely to us.
there was some brief discussion about the "widow's mite" and how we have always lived "on the edge of poverty" so we "felt like the rich religious who gave out of obligation but not out of love"??? surprising. often "too scared to give as much as we wanted" because "afraid we can't pay the bills." except WHO IS SAYING THIS because we are INFAMOUSLY OFTEN BROKE BECAUSE we keep putting so much money into the collection baskets, haha. we love to give to the church. but we do have to be prudent. nevertheless "we have decided in our heart TO GIVE, however much we can, we WILL" without shackling ourself to a dollar sign and making it a cold anxious duty instead of a warmly generous gift.
some vaguetalk about our struggles. afraid of "subtly denying God." peter not denying He existed, but denying their relationship. somehow more fatal that way. little "sins of omission," failing to give details of my "faith," afraid to use His Name, not admitting to mom that we went to church, scared to pray in public. BUT WHY. said we'd never really "investigated" the reasons there and it disturbed us. note to selves: that's our job. ironically the system DOESN'T have religious shame. the socials DO. there's definitely a reason for that but, again, surprisingly, it's not evident at all. so we have to look for it.
other point. wedding at cana. "my dear, why are you telling me this? my hour has not yet come." hearing that spoken with a laugh. as if it had been said in headspace. "beloved, i already noticed!" "i'm not unaware" etc. but lovingly. "i do know, and i do care, don't worry. you don't have to tell me!" and yet, "my hour hasn't come." heard by us as, "believe me, i want to do something, but it's not the right time, not the right place." the whole feeling of "mom i already want to help, don't make it worse!" with a smile. and mary, "do whatever he tells you," leaving the options open. if he says yes or no, do that. i don't know. still meant a lot, that thought. like that's how jesus response to our prayers of worried petition. "we're out of wine; we're out of joy, out of zeal, out of energy." the looming shame, the inability to serve others, the lack of life. jesus looking at us with a smile tugging at his mouth, "how does that involve me?" wanting us to answer. appreciating the asking. i hope so. but already knowing he was going to act. just give him time. do whatever he tells you. even if he saves everything until the last second.

oh yeah. at beginning of meeting the leading woman told us "i was remembering what you said last week, about your friend at bible study, and i was inspired to look up the etymology of the words i kept praying, like "mercy"... it's really enriched my understanding and i want to thank you."
upstairs we were pinged. jay just looked over at mimic with the biggest sappiest grin. mimic was just, stunned. wide-eyed, almost abashed. two mentions of "your friend." and "thank you." and "you helped me." jay made a small but affectionate comment on this, no data of what. but mimic replied briefly in the astounded affirmative. the feeling of "i actually had a positive impact on someone??" and letting himself feel that strange consolation for a moment. like a single star in the night. hope. "this isn't so bad." hard to pick up on his data as he doesn't "globalshare" like a nousfoni. but he isn't as walled-off as he tries to be sometimes still i think. no bones after all. his words can be hard but there's something different deep down.

before i forget. at some point today mimic had a monologue, like he used to. cannot remember about what. but it was positive, although it had its edges of course. i think he was responding to laurie about something. either way he was speaking with serious earnestness and jay says one or two milliseconds of vulnerability. like hypersmall but THERE. the hairline fractures in the armor.

got home for 815. mom called the instant we opened the door.
said she was bringing up food. IMMEDIATE panic response. dissociated into jumbled fragments, could not think or hold conscious identity. unable to do anything as a result.
someone went online looking at pokedex?? all the new ones. profoundly disappointed in the direction the games have gone since xy. no longer "like" the series at all actually. lots of spiritual disagreement with the cultural concepts too, especially the animism and a lot of the stuff behind ghost/ dark/ fairy/ psychic/ fighting type bios. notably remember the dex entries for annihilape and ting-lu. disturbed. realizing how much "occult" and honestly borderline "evil" stuff IS in pokemon. very upset. remembering the real joy it brought us in 2000-2004, and arguably again with xy, and how now it's gone? there's too much that has changed.
still. conflicted. cannot deny the past, ALSO cannot deny that so many core-adjacent folks are legit "attracted to" certain pokemon. celebi is obvious, so are gleam and ventrium, and we have confirmed that it was a GIRL pseudocore that has feelings for galadia!! so that's notable. BUT remember no one talks about skittygirl, or gardevoir, or deoxys, or alakazam. they're all on the "it could happen to you" list haha. and TOSHINSEI is a league of his own, good lord. but that's the point. we can deny and suppress it, which we sadly have, but really we cannot shut that love off, it's impossible, it would require heart-numbing and we ALL see the lethal effects that has, because that's EXACTLY what the system and/or socials did to survive in EVERY OUTSIDE "RELATIONSHIP" TRAP. we don't want that inside. not anymore. problem is there ARE 'foni who exist TO fight affection and love and attraction and everything to do with relationship even in concept. they are the most brutal "not-quite-protectors" and they are POWERFUL because they literally kept our physical body alive by fighting tooth and bloody nail against those very real dangers in the past.
that's a whole topic that we need to discuss soon actually. the relationship aversion and how pervasive it has become in the wake of the most recent traumas. and yes they ARE traumas, you said yourself, if you can't run and can't cope and feel like you're going to die and after that's all you want to do, yes it is trauma. even if you playacted like it was okay. even if you won't admit you were scared to death even now. numbing out and wearing plastic smiles doesn't mean it's not traumatic. genuinely caring for the other person and wanting to live for them doesn't mean it's not traumatic when the process of doing so effectively eviscerates you. cnc was existentially horrifying. forgive the common phrase, it's the truth. it was the ultimate unresolvable war between morality and obligation, between affection and self-preservation, between identity and other. it didn't snap us in half, it shattered us like blownglass flung onto concrete. irreparable. and yet god we hope there's still a miracle of healing waiting somewhere, somehow. cannot reconcile the love with the terror. remembering how bad our addictions got. remembering how actively suicidal we were. remembering how we don't remember most of anything and didn't want to. et cetera.
can't deal with that tonight good lord how did we get on this subject. oh yeah. pokemon. isn't that tragically fitting.
nevertheless. so interesting to note that they are NON-CORE relationships for the most part. the core is always connected to chaos 0. ALWAYS. it is the sole most important and intrinsic criterion. but. pseudocores weirdly tend to gravitate to pocket monsters. is this because of their constancy in our life? is it because that is the world the original jewel, the first true core, used as her own anchor and launchpad? there's so much to wonder about.
anyway, that's what makes us even more sad that we haven't been able to play the games in almost ten entire years. and looking at the new pokedexes, we might not even want to. they don't feel like we know them, or could know them, anymore. they feel totally alien to us.
(one notable exception. remember the 2021 hospital girl and her OBSESSION WITH CALYREX. no one has typed about that besides her and no one has read her journal. FIX THAT.)
nevertheless. someone still wants to save up money, buy a celebi gba at last, find new-battery cartridges of silver & ruby and just... relive that joy. we miss it so much, honestly sometimes it's unbearable. which is shocking.
would you believe that is one of the ONLY things that will ALWAYS make the body cry? when we remember our old games, our old teams of 'mons, and how we lost them to cnc, how someone gave them away like they were worthless, how much we miss them... it could make us weep. there was SO MUCH LOVE in those games. god how did we never cherish that fact? how did the hyperreligious 'foni never realize that truth?
God i honestly could cry. i wonder if TBAS still has them. i wonder if they carelessly erased our data. what a horrible thought. what awful death. i don't think we could handle that. but it's a possibility.
stupid impossible dream hoping desperately that one day, we could get them back. one day, we could ask them, somehow, and get the games back. we could see our dearly loved friends again. all of them. i could name them all by heart.
god it aches so much.
nevertheless. jewel says, gently but with conviction, "there's always the league." "i can thread their souls into there," she says. "i won't let them die. i can give them a life bigger than what they had even then."
oh lord we hope so. we hope so. we should. give them lives of their own, free from this progressively mutating brand, keep them resonant with our heart and just as close. give them not just a restored present but a new future.
i think that would help us all.
there's so much unprocessed grief. i'm glad i realized this.

mom showed up around 845 i think. only stuck around for like 30 seconds. handed us the food and left. busy as always. god bless her though.
thank god it wasn't much food because we were terrified for some reason. felt damaged lotophagoi around the edges screaming in panicked fear. nousfoni trying to push through but brainfog was immense. literal terror from the smell of it. why? what was it triggering?
someone chewspit it all within two minutes. almost crying from fear. wanted it gone as soon as possible.
only data is from small chocolate chip cookies mom sent. julie immediately pinged. "uh oh, those are dangerous." like alarm bells. told us to be super careful or "very bad things could happen"
someone brushed teeth, we started to calm down and hard-depersonalize to recover (typical response), which detached us from the body and allowed headspace to come back online as it were.
someone washing dishes. we were still shaking and scared. as a result couldn't move body well and slipped, ended up splashing dishwater all over the counter, and into our actual food. had to throw it all out and start over. thank God it was just stuff we had prepped before the book club; easily fixed. but the problem was time. it was 9PM ALREADY. we were getting so weak and dizzy from only having ~900K the entire day.
jay and julie randomly sharing cleanup duty, while some terrified religious 'foni kept saying that "this is punishment for wasting mom's food. now god wasted ours, so we know how it feels." we solemnly agreed that this was correct. humbling and convicting. decided that from now on we can't "save her feelings" and instead flat-out say NO we don't want any food, yes we love you mom and we appreciate your caring generosity but we cannot accept this in good conscience because we need to take these dangerpanic responses seriously. if we take it there will only be disaster. it's not good. it's morally corruptive to pretend otherwise.
anyway. environment inside and out such a mess jay couldn't front. so JULIE DID.
honestly it is UNREAL how EASILY AND POWERFULLY SHE FRONTS. someone commented on this.
she responded by reminding us that, during the long-ago "julie days," this is what she wanted: complete control of our body. except back then, she wanted it to do "terrible things," to us and to others, she admitted ruefully. but now... there she was, taking care of the body, frankly better than anyone else, AND the only person to NOT get crushed to death by the dyspho/dysmo hell. she was just... fine. unfazed. "at home" even. she still cannot look in mirrors, or at the body itself-- that is still existentially jarring and it will shove even her out instantly-- but she can be IN it, as we do other things, without any trouble. it's miraculous, no exaggeration. we're so so grateful for her.
i remember she was "co-fronting" with lynne again. she kept inviting the breakfast crew around, even for a few seconds here and there, to get us all to stop shaking from stress and feel together again. which was really sweet and nice. she was also brave/brazen enough to eat one or two pieces of things out of bags and bowls, without any binge impetus, or carelessness. she said "i decided i wanted a piece" and that was that. also new kitchen rule is that if you are fronting and you ARE going to eat a piece of something in the kitchen, you MUST share it with xenophon. this keeps everyone accountable, and also helps prevent dissociative socials from showing up. plus xenophon takes her job seriously! she WILL call you out if you're acting unstable.

can't remember dinner. jay coming back in to read psalm 102 with mimic. remember him saying "well this is relevant." note that jay STILL "identifies" with honest pain despite the whitecore "sparkly-eyed" stereotype. he shares in the system suffering personally. his heart is apparently, intrinsically, still red. this is good. that shows he's not rotten inside like lotus ended up.

oh. jay says to write one thing. when he was cleaning up the kitchen and the body kept dissociating, the religious 'foni pushed us into floatspace. they kept "apologizing to God" frantically "i'm sorry for wasting mom's food i know that's why you punished us i'm sorry please don't kill us what can i do to make it better" and. the response they got was literally FROM THE CROSS. "it's all right. i know you're sorry and i forgive you. i've already paid the price for your sin. just don't do that anymore."
the girl felt the awful weight of that. even something as small as her wasting was a sin, a crime against love, and it must be atoned for. but she couldn't do it. only He could. and He was doing so, paying that price completely, with His Blood. right there. right now. and we knew we were responsible. we knew the gravity of sin and it was unbearable.
and suddenly, mimic was standing there too. he was a little ways away, wide-eyed with shock, looking up at the cross. tears streaming down his face. he turned to look at us then. "is that what it means??"
they had a conversation. all blood and nails. the Lamb and the octopus. we cannot remember it, it's all terrible painful gritted-teeth emotion, anger regret sorrow rage guilt confusion horror. and in response, patience compassion forgiveness justice mercy. despite the gored wrists. despite the bloodsunk eyes.
trying to just walk away. couldn't do it. trying to take the money and run but couldn't. the momentous exigency of the fact almost intolerable. "this is the freedom you wanted, isn't it?" paid in blood. and now what? how do you walk your old way knowing this? it leaves a wound. it haunts. the freely given death to save a life not even worth living, suddenly giving it that option. unbelievable. scared furious with the burden of selflessness. struck to the heart by the undeniable personal investment placed in him. hopelessly undeserving but nevertheless. admitted as the sordid felon he was and yet. take it or leave it. life or death. but it changes you.
remember clearly one line from the cross. one bleeding tender response to the why.
"because i don't want you to die."

simple profundity. broke everything in half.
whole scene stopped suddenly when we got back into the apartment. no idea what happened next inside or outside.

julie got us ready for bed.
she did all the kitchen cleanup. she kept nibbling on raisins and triscuits and carrots, but mindfully so? reassuring xenophon that she was only doing so because "this poor body really needs some more food" and we had barely hit 1400k for the day. "besides we won't be able to eat until at least 2pm tomorrow" so she wasn't worried. but she shared every bit, and kept talking to headspace, and stayed accountable and responsible and respectful.
she got really thrown off by the mirror at one point. commented pointedly how disturbing it was to "not see yourself in it." but she strongly pulled her overlay back in and kept going. god bless her she is LITERALLY keeping us alive lately in this unstable core period

tomorrow is church, adoration hour, then come home and eat, then actually an hour of freetime? maybe we can read or rest. but then go to church to clean up for holy week possibly, and if not, then just to the prayer & song service after. then home and eat dinner and type and sleep when it's all done.
exhausted, for real. but... deep down there's a joy. it's anchored in our faith and in our heartfamily. we're very grateful.


what else
nothing? long day. very tired . need slepe sleep oh hi! i'm back!
um nothing to write though. jay says he wants rl really wants to write about chaos 0. not tonight too much typing and also brain shift. too tired too much time. im tired too but say hello. hello!
okay that's it. oh wait no alsos ay we want to archive more post hospital book writing more. says it helps us love each other more. yes it does thats good!! but no time lately. too much outside body things. but learning he says? not as scary as used to. people helping. living in it together oh wow! thats good im glad that show it shoud be i think
okay. i barely type. front. cannot stay. tired! bye


prismaticbleed: (shatter)

(from workbook)

(these memories MIGHT be HISTORICALLY INACCURATE as far as DETAILS go. we are recording this because this was written years later, without any review of original data, and as such this reveals the LONGTERM AFFECTS of those historical events, and therefore, the real psychic impact & impression of them.)

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REMEMBERING UNSTABLE PERIODS

Summer 2015?? AND NORTH CAROLINA. Both were HELL.
'15 was a TRAUMA LOOP and NC was DAILY ABUSE. I was "cut off from family" in different ways-- '15 had me left alone & avoided, while NC was a CONTROLLED "cut off contact." In both cases, I suffered PROLONGED DAILY SXABUSE & SENSORY DEPRIVATION, and I had NO FUTURE HOPE AT ALL.

How were you sleeping? What was your sleep schedule like? How many hours of sleep were you getting?

'15 = I slept tormentedly. I had no regular schedule & would fall asleep miserable. I'd stay up until like 4am typing?? Different bedtime EVERY day. Usually I got 6 hours, tops even? Some SLEEPLESS nights. I'd be "PROUD" of <5 hours.

CNC = I was forced, naked, to sleep like a dog at the edge of a shared bed, using someone else as a pillow. I never dreamed. I had NO regular schedule. Weekdays were all-nighters, then sleep from 7am-2pm?? Days off, bedtime was like 3am. I WOULD WAKE UP ALONE AT 8:30 & RUN TO THE STORE JUST TO ESCAPE!! In general though I got 5-8 hours? But it was VERY BROKEN SLEEP!! I never really felt rested. It was more like a coma every night, never restorative.

When you were unwell, what was your daily routine? What did you do every day? Were the times regular?

'15 = Daily hacks. LOTS of prolonged binges. Running daily?? Laptop work. No regular waketime, it was random & trauma-mangled. CONSCIOUS deprivation concerning bedtimes. Meals were NEVER regular; it was all-day fasting then late binge-crashes. We were isolatory and never socialized. Our exercise times were impulsive & LONG but random. I took no meds.

CNC = Schedule was TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE; dictated by TBAS. They'd eat, then do TV/ games/ computer, leaving me alone. I wound binge, very slowly, to fill the existential void & acute loneliness/ abandonment feelings. TBAS had a roughly set work time, but NOT schedule. As for me, I was homebound/ isolated due to both social terror & fear of punishment, unless I rashly "borrowed the car" during a manic state/ had a medical appointment. But there was NO pattern or order. Waketimes were determined by abuse cycles. Bedtimes were controlled but insomniac. Mealtimes were an absolute hellish mess. Socializing was "roommates" only, who strictly albeit passively kept me homebound & controlled. Exercise was virtually absent; I was stuck inside & immobile, UNLESS I snuck out to RUN!!! That was arguably my only escape, until that too became shot through with heavy repeated trauma. As for med times, there was daily Benadryl abuse to "dope out" awareness of all other abuse. I took it up to 4x daily. I also hyperdosed on melatonin, and would sneak alcohol & Nyquil (sometimes debating taking them at once) for the same suicidal-sedative reasons.

How did others play a role?

'15 = Family was entirely neglectful. Dad & mom were both gone, living elsewhere with virtually no contact. Brothers isolated in rooms, did not speak to me. I think they were also in COLLEGE so they weren't always there. Grandparents would ALSO GO OUT??? Morning coffee/store trips that would take HOURS. So we were frequently completely alone in the house, and even when we weren't, there was effectively NO communication or dialogue. We have no memory of any dialogue outside of the small explosions of screaming matches & violent fights.

CNC= Family contact was forbidden. Life was DICTATED by "abusers" whims. I literally had NO say & NO power; I HAD to follow their decisions & schedules, however random. I always smiled & agreed & tried to never complain. (for the record, when I DID struggle, especially with health failure & mental health crises, I would hate myself even more for "ruining THEIR day/schedule" and try to act like I was fine)

What have you learned by looking back on this time and thinking about the routine you had?

'15 = NO ROUTINE at large. Everything a void; no goals or hopes or responsibilities? Fueled addictions & obsessive behavior; "no purpose," "no future."

CNC = There WAS a "rough routine" but it was INFLICTED & SUBJECT TO CHANGE OF WHIM. I had NO say & NO control, NO ESCAPE.


PREVENTING FUTURE INSTABILITY

Think of a past episode of depression or mania. How do you think keeping track of changes in your mood might have been helpful in the early stage of the episode?

MANIC: These hit a LOT during college; possibly even high school! But they never occurred in a vacuum. The MAJOR precipitator was not "socializing"-- thank God I was VERY isolatory back then-- it was MEDIA. As a teen, when I first started going online, I was SO HYPER. I'd get a NiGHTS game update, or some Sonic news, or a new issue of a manga, and I'd just go WILD. My emotions were YO-YOS-- either I was invincible & everything was awesome, OR I was desolate & felt worthless & unlovable. I suppose that, if I had NOTED when I got a "media high" or an "incompetency low", I could OBSERVE that from "OUTSIDE" the state?? I'm SURE the System would've helped, even back then. But if I WAS feeling hyper, we could have taken steps to "RECENTER IN OURSELF," as opposed to OUTSIDE, even only on message boards or Freewebs. IT WAS STILL A "SOCIAL" TRIGGER because it STILL OCCURRED WITHIN A COMMUNITY CONTEXT-- ESPECIALLY once I started regularly posting to dA INSTEAD OF LJ, and my very "presence" online BECAME PERFORMATIVE. This got WORSE when Q entered the scene; and that was actually the "trigger" to FLIP it from mania to DEPRESSION?? Now I was FURIOUS because I "HAD TO" perform for this kid, so I COULDN'T BE "ME", the ultimate result of ALL social function in my mind?? Nevertheless I STARTED A PRIVATE JOURNAL & let the pain & sorrow & anger out there. But I STILL just "let it carry me along"; I NEVER just paused & took CONSCIOUS note that "hey, I'm starting to feel really upset/ frustrated/ helpless"-- I would just RANT & VENT. And letting that "take over" fueled depressive crashes; I COULDN'T "cope" if I didn't LOOK AT the emotions AND thoughts AND situation!!
Honestly THANK GOD FOR LAURIE because her gatecrashing the Xanga JUMPSTARTED the development of self-AWARENESS and self-reflection that ALLOWED us to see AND understand (together!) WHEN AND WHY our emotions were going crazy. With her, I COULDN'T be manic OR depressed, because SHE KEPT WATCH & CALLED ME OUT. So... START UP THE XANGA SESSIONS AGAIN, KIDDO! And KEEP NOTES on daily emotion/ thought changes, so you know WHAT to discuss!

Can you think of a few examples when stressors influenced your sleep & routine schedule, and then impacted your mood?

(The E.D. in general was its OWN UNPREDICTABLE "ROUTINE"; wrecking ALL ELSE)
+ The most OBVIOUS example is the binge/purge hell cycles, ESPECIALLY after a day on the road. Some nights I'd be up until 3AM. Then I'd miss morning Mass, I'd be late for afternoon Mass, I'd HAVE to wait until ~3PM to eat at ALL, perpetuating the cycle, & I'd be EXHAUSTED the entire time. I felt chronically hopeless, overwhelmed, trapped, & MISERABLE. This prevented me from making healthy changes-- I was SO wrecked that I kept giving in to the dissociative "refuge" or the E.D. JUST TO "COPE".
+ I ALSO WAS SO STRESSED AT HOME THAT IT DIDN'T FEEL SAFE TO SLEEP THERE.
In college, I'd frequently have Illustration homework that would keep me up ALL NIGHT, resulting in only ~2-3 hours of sleep if I was lucky; most often I WOULDN'T sleep. I'd feel so disheartened & incapable of joy. I began to "hate art." I struggled to focus in class-- a sick relief sometimes, as the trauma of figure drawing was fled from more easily then. I HAD to keep the college schedule, but the lack of sleep plus choking despair made me start sleeping in every study spot and I ended up NOT having the homework done-- so I started SKIPPING. I lost my schedule and I FELT lost as a result.
+ Doctor's appointments & visits to the homestead ALWAYS happened "suddenly" and threw off my routine-- appointments had to be planned AROUND & often impacted Church/ shopping times. Going up the house was ALWAYS unpredictable & HIGHLY stressful. Those days I might not get home until 6PM or later, WRECKED.
+ When I was visiting daily/ weekly to take care of grandma, I COULDN'T have a schedule. I WANTED to STAY with her, but now had "no place there" and had to do everything in a "liminal" state of mind, knowing I had to eventually eat/ sleep/ wash/ travel AFTER. Every day was a disordered jumble; the only routine was grandma's meds.

What are some of the challenges to schedule stability that you are facing in the next month? Danger signs? Possible solutions to consider?

The most obvious challenges are: the loss of COPE's steady & solid schedule, the loss of liberty related to transportation & finances, the mandatory PARTIAL schedule, replacing E.D. cycles with creative work, and STRIVING to schedule in CHURCH & EXERCISE with no car & obligatory mealtimes. Also doctors AND helping mom, which are VARIABLES.
Danger signs for me would be: oversleeping, bingeing from overstimulation &/or anxiety, not letting myself rest, NOT praying or going to church, isolating (refusing ALL contact), refusing to do creative &/or enjoyable things, rage outbursts & crying jags, self-abusive actions, skipping Partial, manic symptoms, not making or adhering to even a rough schedule, neglecting self-care, COLD HEART, dissociation, "lockouts," increased flashbacks? Basically if I start feeling HOPELESS, DISTRAUGHT, ANGRY, OVERWHELMED, VIOLENT, HOLLOW, EXHAUSTED, RESTLESS, EXISTENTIALLY HORRIFIED, &/OR SUICIDAL, we have a problem!!
The most effective & IMMEDIATE solutions would include: immediate journaling/ Xangas (IF NOT IN LOCKOUT/ LOCKDOWN); praying &/or reading Scripture; OR if our brain is TOO SHAKEN to do thoughtwork, to POSITIVELY DISTRACT: play Klonoa, watch TV or a safe movie, listen to music... but DECIDE TO SIT DOWN & STAY THERE!! Pacing & standing makes things MUCH WORSE!! So GET COPING DISTRACTIONS that KEEP YOU CALM & STILL & FOCUSED on something POSITIVE!!



prismaticbleed: (shatter)

A sudden, important thought:

We haven't had a REAL "self-image" since 2003.
We literally couldn't draw ourselves ALL through high school, UNTIL ~2009, when we CUT OUR HAIR and specifically identified as neutrois. Even then it was smothered by dysphoria.
The coreshift "made us male" for ~8 years BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THE EATING DISORDER.

Nevertheless, the point is:

We ALSO DON'T SEE OUR "INNER SELF" AS ANOREXIC.
We DON'T "identify" with that kind of bony, "willowy" & "waifish" figure, AT ALL. It even disgusts some of us.
So WHY are we doing that TO THE BODY??

Honestly this "thicker" base MIGHT WORK, if we look at it as SOLIDNESS, NOT "FAT."
We've always admired strong, muscular forms, EVEN if they're "bigger than us."
We ARE "scared of being BIG," but there IS a middle ground we keep forgetting.
Maybe we CAN work with this.

★ TRY "drawing us." See WHAT ACTUALLY "CLICKS," even only a little.

★ Look up and FIND "role models" / "IDEAL" body shapes OF OUR "IDEAL WEIGHT" SHAPE.
(MEWTWO FITS THIS. I'M SERIOUS.)
(DON'T FORGET JASPER & BISMUTH!)

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WHAT IS LOST

Nothing of true value is ever truly lost. Remember that.
But OH BOY did I EVER lose a lot of money. The binges could not admit or acknowledge how much CASH was being vomited up every day-- an average of $20, which is a MINIMUM OF $600 PER MONTH! That's my ENTIRE POST-RENT SSI CHECK.

I lost so much time. I lost so much peace. I lost all my freedom, considering how ADDICTED I was.
I spent HOURS on EACH "step" EVERY DAY-- hours obsessing over "what to buy," hours spent shopping & "running away" from myself, hours spent preparing & cleaning, hours spent eating it all, hours spent throwing it up, hours spent trying to "reset" afterwards. Every minute of my day was devoured by it. I couldn't stop the obsessive, intrusive, anxious & desperate ruminations.
I lost so much sleep. I lost almost all hope.

My family lost all patience with me. They lost all their trust in me.
I was forbidden from even taking a can of peas for myself. I was excluded from family meals. I became "identified" with both food and the disordered abuse of it. My family treated me as if the disorder was intrinsic, inevitable, incurable.

I lost all respect for myself. I, too, began to see myself as terminally ill, damned to die like that.
I felt "unworthy" to do, like, choose, want, or experience ANYTHING "good," "pure," or "enjoyable." I saw myself as filth incarnate, disgusting & subhuman, doomed to destroy everything that I touched.
I lost all interest in life. I rejected & abandoned all "interests," hollowing myself out even more. The very thought of tainting those once-beloved things with my diseased presence was unbearable. I gave up & gave in to the sickness.

I lost all my "friendships" and ironically that was the one thing I WANTED to happen.
The eating disorder made me so intolerable, so unhealthy, so miserable, that no one wanted to be around me.
I isolated & hid food & stole money & ate everything in the apartment. I became a curse.
Eventually they no longer saw me as "desirable" and I COULD ESCAPE.
But I stayed trapped in the disorder, terrified of future threats, and burying myself in food, condemning myself to a "living death" as long as I felt incapable of facing the reality of my life.

I ALMOST lost my life, literally.
But I DID lose what made life worth living.

Still. Just because I lost it doesn't mean it was gone, just missing. Just misplaced. Just forgotten.
Recovery is about resurrection.
There IS Life, even after such a death. Keep going.


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PROS & CONS

List the negative consequences of the eating disorder.

+ OBSESSIVE/ COMPULSIVE
+ MISERABLE from the whole damn cycle
+ No money, always "trying to get/ earn more"
+ No time to type or do Leaguework or Spotify
+ Up until 3AM sometimes; no good dreams
+ Blood sugar hell, constant diarrhea, always tired?
+ MORAL DESPAIR/ MORTALITY PANIC
+ Always felt filthy, guilty, ashamed, out of control
+ Constantly re-traumatizing

List the positive aspects of the eating disorder.

+ Religious hyperfocus; NO "secular" shame
+ Body "stays" empty/ "clean"/ PURE
+ Feel light, unburdened, untouched
+ Disconnect from past/ body? partly?
+ Routine, ritual, orderly, structured, timed?
+ Totally distract from anxiety & panic
+ Total, "safe" sensory absorption; controllable
+ DISSOCIATIVE ANCHOR for mental refuge
+ Hours of "hand work" = chopping, picking, etc.

List the personal benefits that you expect if you change.

+ Re-accepted by family; able to BE with them again
+ Time to do CREATIVE THINGS! And LEARN MORE!!
+ No longer ashamed to EXIST; able to accept LOVE
+ Reconnect to System life as a WHOLE, and LIVE IT!!
+ Proper management of time & finances
+ No longer slave to compulsions/ obsessions/ rituals
+ Body stronger, able to help others and do HARD WORK!
+ Able to SLEEP & DREAM!! Proper bed/ wake times too!
+ No longer terrified of food & eating?? Food is "just fuel" now
+ I can FINALLY READ ALL MY BOOKS!
+ Use HEALTHY, EFFECTIVE coping skills for trauma/ stress
+ No more unending moral panic/ compulsive sins/ GUILT
+ Freedom. Day no longer "revolves around" binge/ purge cycle.

List the personal costs that you expect if you change.

NEW obsession with "eating PROPERLY/ NO MISTAKES"!!!
+ HAVE to face trauma symptoms; NO NUMBING
+ Need a new way to occupy my chop-happy hands
+ TOTALLY NEW LIFE; can feel overwhelming & lost?
+ Can't hide from the world/ avoid social interaction
+ HAVE TO EAT REGULARLY, even in evening/ on road
+ The body WILL get bigger & less sharp; will be heavier
NO MORE "EXIT DOOR" FOR DUMB DECISIONS, DISCOMFORT, STRESS, OR ANXIOUS PANIC; SO NO FOOD MISTAKES ALLOWED!!!
+ Face "purposeless" terror of daily life
+ "TOO MUCH STUFF"; no more emptiness?
+ Need to invent NEW routine/ schedule/ order
+ GENDER DYSPHORIA DOOM

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DIALOGUE WITH "ED"

What does your eating disorder look like to you?



What does the image of your eating disorder say about yourself?


+ If you make a mistake while eating-- if you do something wrong-- YOU become wrong & poisoned and you MUST GET IT OUT!!!
+ You are a greedy, ugly, sloppy, gluttonous PIG and you DESERVE to choke to death on your vomit/ starve to death. God is disgusted by you.
+ Food is sex. If you eat you are a slut and a whore. If you enjoy it you deserve to die. I will rip out your stomach if you even try to eat.

Write what "ED" might say to you now, and how you would respond.

ED:
This body HAS TO BE LIGHT & BONY. We need to have SHARP EDGES and NO UGLY ROUND SHAPES. A big heavy body is a PRISON. A "curvy" body is GROSS & EVIL & INTRINSICALLY PROMISCUOUS.
YOU:
A "big body" can also be a TANK or FORTRESS to FIGHT EVIL. "Curves" are NOT doomed to sexuality. THAT'S THE MEDIA'S LIE.

ED:
"We can't eat that food/ flavor; it's POISON/ EVIL/ BAD!!!" (especially "Sugar WILL KILL US")
YOU:
Food is intrinsically INNOCENT. It LITERALLY CANNOT "BE EVIL." Flavors aren't poison. Carbs & sugar aren't poison! They are NUTRIENTS your body USES. BUT YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT OLD/ SPOILED/ CONTAMINATED FOOD!!

ED:
"We must LIMIT our diet options to stay simple/ avoid overwhelm" (i.e. sticking to like... three foods)
YOU:
We STILL NEED NUTRITIONAL VARIATION TO BE HEALTHY! Yes, it's good to not go overboard with novelty; that IS foolish. BUT SO IS REFUSING TO TRY NEW THINGS.

ED:
"There are TOO MANY CHOICES and I can see a threat potential in ALL OF THEM. So I MUST either AVOID THEM ALL, OR EAT THEM ALL TO CHALLENGE THE FEAR."
YOU:
ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING IS DISTORTED! WHAT THREAT do you see? Pause & THINK IT THROUGH; it's probably NOT a REAL threat! STOP CHALLENGING FEARS BY FORCING. It will ONLY make unresolved/ unidentified fears WORSE, and IS WHY WE HAD SO MANY BINGES!!


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LONGER-TERM RECOVERY GOALS

One year from now...

+ To be able to freely & fearlessly share a meal with my family, AS-IS
+ To be a "regular" at a nice local restaurant
+ To have remodeled my apartment to feel safe & reflect my unique personality
+ To be able to play through the WHOLE first Suzuki cello book
+ To have FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE MORALIMON SPECIE/ TYPECODE SYSTEM
+ To be able to say, "I'm ONE YEAR CLEAR!!" 

Five years from now...

+ To have published at least two albums, even just online
+ To have published at least one book, WITH a barcode!
+ To have a website, even a little one
+ To have FRIENDS that ACTUALLY VIBE with my interests & religious beliefs
+ To be in a LEGIT orchestra AND choir, ideally
+ To have an established online creative presence & portfolio

Ten years from now...

+ To be ACTIVELY working in a creative "career"?
+ To get a song on the radio, or professionally recognized
+ To VISIT GIMMELWALD
+ To have at least one Leagueworld LEGIT PUBLISHED
+ To freakin' MARRY CHAOS 0 ALREADY, COME ON SONICTEAM
+ To be truly, totally grateful for life, the universe, & everything. ♥ Happy 42 kiddo!!

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THOUGHT/ EMOTION/ PHYSICAL SENSATION RECORD

Record T/E/Ps that bother you, then notice & record how you typically react to those T/E/Ps.

+ "I'm scared to eat sugar" = Avoid sugar if possible, even to extremes
+ Post-meal nausea = Dissociate, distract/ USED to immediately purge/ take meds
+ "What do I do/ What should I do" panic = List pros & cons; consider goals & motives; consult System
+ Environmental triggers = Try to escape or force change; if cannot, self-abuse or give in to E.D.; MELTDOWN, DISSOCIATE
+ Shame over "filthiness" = Try to clean self desperately; self-abuse if cannot; dissociate/ hide
+ "I have so much WRONG with me" = Dissociate entirely/ lose self-awareness OR self-abuse
+ "This food reminds me of trauma" = Try to avoid eating it; otherwise "force it" & dissociate HARD
+ Anxious "wanting to vomit" from nerves = Throw up; if impossible, restrict/ dissociate/ self-abuse
+ Despair over faults & sins = Hysterical crying/ moral panic; desperate prayer; may shut down entirely
+ Guilt/ shame over "cowardice" = Self-abuse; desperately try to change choice; force challenges
+ Physical trauma flashback = GET UPSTAIRS HELP OR YOU'LL WANT TO DIE!!

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EATING DISORDER RULES VS. RECOVERY RULES

E.D.:
"You cannot eat certain foods because they are evil!" OR "because they will poison you!!"
REC:
MARK 7:18-23!!

E.D.:
(SINCE I'm SCARED of everything,) "I MUST TRY EVERYTHING and I MUST LIKE IT"
REC:
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT DO THINGS!! You DON'T have to FORCE yourself to "EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING" in a twisted attempt to "please everyone" and NOT SAY NO!!

E.D.:
"If your body is big/ heavy, you will become CARNAL, animalistic and ABUSIVE"
REC:
G.K. CHESTERTON & SANTA CLAUS. Big bodies can be VERY VIRTUOUS!! It's about the SOUL, not the flesh! If your soul is beautiful, SO IS ANY BODY IT'S IN!

E.D.:
"YOU CANNOT HAVE SUGAR or it will give you diabetes and/or KILL YOU"
REC:
Sugar is a NUTRIENT that the body NEEDS! Eat it temperately, but DO eat it! Treated as MEDICINE, it CANNOT "kill you"!!

E.D.:
"I MUST ALWAYS choose the SCARIEST/ MOST DIFFICULT option; eating CAN'T BE EASY"??
REC:
This makes eating ABUSE, NOT NUTRITIVE!!! You ARE ALLOWED to LIKE foods AND to choose THEM regularly! Eating SHOULD be easy; it's not about "risk-taking"!

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RITUALS


List the ritualistic behavior associated with your eating disorder. Then create a plan for how to cope with these behaviors.

BEHAVIOR: Buying/ preparing food in specific numerical amounts; "pre-dividing" foods
COPING PLAN: buy & prepare according to EXCHANGES. That's a PROPER number to adhere to! DO NOT worry about "pairs" or "triads" or "parallel" amounts! DON'T freak out over "inexact" portions, esp. in storage! Learn to love numbers INDIVIDUALLY, not just "in a structure"?

BEHAVIOR: Forcing myself to eat foods my loved ones eat, over & over obsessively
COPING PLAN: Honor your loved ones in OTHER ways!! Art, music, journaling, prayer, etc. THEY ARE MORE THAN "FOOD," TOO!! Write about memories! Learn to accept that you CAN be different from them WITHOUT '"rejecting" them. Be UNIQUE, to allow THEM to think of YOU uniquely, too!!

BEHAVIOR: Having to take a fixed amount of time to eat, or a fixed number of bites/ pieces
COPING PLAN: Practice "altering" numerical goals-- try to "leave space" or "do less"? EAT WITHOUT LOOKING AT A CLOCK and see what your NATURAL timing is.

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive prep?? Wanting to just peel & CHOP UP tons of stuff, NOT even to eat
COPING PLAN: Figure out ways to "imitate" CHOPPING/ PEELING in NON-FOOD ways!! Determine WHAT about those actions is so "stimming"/ comforting! Volunteer at a food kitchen? Make food for OTHER FOLKS!! Find a CREATIVE HOBBY that involves similar precision/ clean force?

BEHAVIOR: Buying foods based on concepts, not on whether or not I even want to/ should eat it ("HAVE TO" motive)
COPING PLAN: IDENTIFY & LIST CONCEPTS. Find OTHER ways to meet them IF NEEDED-- first determine if that is a CHALLENGE/ COMPULSION!! Ask, "WHY do I "HAVE to" eat this??" It typically relates to #2! Remember: FOOD IS NOT "TRANSFORMATIVE." It CANNOT make/ unmake you!!

BEHAVIOR: NO "LEFTOVERS" ALLOWED; even in storage!! Next day MUST be a CLEAN "RESET"
COPING PLAN: Get comfortable with "UNFINISHED/ INCOMPLETE/ UNRESOLVED" things. Practice PATIENCE & HOPE? Remember, THE FUTURE EXISTS!! Challenge yourself to ONLY shop ONCE WEEKLY. LABEL leftovers with weekdays! BROADEN YOUR TEMPORAL PERSPECTIVE. NO "last supper syndrome"!!

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive eating of ALL broken/ deformed/ "incorrect"/ pieces of applicable foods
COPING PLAN: Let those pieces be. DON'T try to "precisely" portion out the bits! DON'T "PROJECT" REJECTION FEAR/ PITY ONTO FOOD; DON'T IMPOSE RIGID "PERFECTION" EITHER. Broken/ odd pieces DON'T "ruin the integrity" of the whole. Stop insisting on "flawless" aesthetics! Remember Japanese wabi-sabi art!!

BEHAVIOR: Eating ingredients ONE at a time, methodically, in small bites; chewing SUPER slowly
COPING PLAN: Practice taking bites of COMBINED ingredients, even just ONE, WITHOUT FREAKING OUT over "destroying/ interrupting the harmony" of pieces. Learn to value COMBOS AS ART; they're NOT "messes to be cleaned up & organized"!! Practice slowly decreasing chew time without feeling "rushed"; work up to a good pace.

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CHALLENGES TO HOSPITAL "SELF-SELECT" EATING

Identify any difficulties you may encounter in this process and make a coping plan.

CHALLENGE: Several "challenging" options; "must do ALL"
COPING PLAN: Choose the "rarest" appearance or "newest." LIST OTHERS & PLAN?

CHALLENGE: Talking during the meal
COPING PLAN: Clip your responses; DON'T PERFORM OR ENTERTAIN. Give DATA. Anchor INSIDE.

CHALLENGE: Limited/ cut time to eat
COPING PLAN: DON'T FORCE OR BINGE!! Chew thoroughly to prevent trauma response but don't drag; pace well!

CHALLENGE: Only available food options are "boorish" or "childlike"
COPING PLAN: DROP THE LABELS! Think in terms of NUTRIENTS! THAT'S the REAL goal!

CHALLENGE: Constant dissociation/ anxious distractions
COPING PLAN: TALK TO THE SYSTEM? Practice sensory grounding exercises!

OPTIONS ARE HIGHLY LIMITED; I'm "forced" to pick predictable options frequently as there's little else available. MY ALLERGIES ALSO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS-- most "dessert" options (mandatory) HAVE NUTS! I also CAN'T SAFELY pick bakery items for that reason; many have obvious nuts in/on them and I suspect a common prep area, so I CAN'T risk it!
"FORCING" HIGHGRADE FEAR FOODS WORSENS THE ANXIETY?? Because I USUALLY DISSOCIATE, and then I "HAVE to REDO IT"?? But my MOTIVATION IS DISORDERED: "I must force myself to endure this scary thing NOW & then it'll be OVER & DONE WITH." THAT'S TRAUMA TALK!! DO NOT REINFORCE THAT!! YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EXPOSE YOURSELF TO EVERYTHING!!! It's actually HEALTHIER for you to LEARN TO SAY "NO" AT SOME POINT-- AND RESPECT IT!! Right now your "no's" are FEARFUL & HYPERPROTECTIVE; BUT YOU STILL TREAT THEM ALL AS "CHALLENGES TO OVERCOME." THAT'S SCREWED UP, KIDDO!!!

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CHALLENGES TO RESTAURANT EATING

THE NOISE! // People seeing and/or watching me eat // Frequent direct interruptions of meal, often to talk // Expected to participate in active conversation // Limited, generalized menu options; can "panic" over lack of clarity & "whether or not it's safe/ allowed" // Close proximity seating // DISSOCIATING from "SOCIAL MODE"
ORDERING: Not obsessing over variations // Choosing INTUITIVELY, not "weighing pros & cons of every option" // Not "copying" or "imitating" others as "appeasement" // NOT choosing the HARDEST, LEAST POPULAR option "to be brave"

What is your plan for managing distress or anxiety?

My anxiety is centered around the CHOOSING, moreso even than the eating!
Fears include: "Will this make me sick?" "Am I allergic to something in this?" "I can't pick that; it's too easy." "That option sounds unappetizing/ makes me anxious; therefore I HAVE to choose it!" "I can't pick what I ALREADY know!"
To manage this: Choose WHAT YOU CAN ONLY GET AT THAT LOCATION. Let it be a unique experience! Choose an UNFAMILIAR option, but DON'T STRESS OUT if there are SEVERAL. The nurse recommended: pick the LEAST scary one FIRST; you've gotta LEVEL UP!! And DON'T TRY SO HARD IT TURNS INTO A BINGE. This is about NUTRITION! It's NOT WAR!! Let it be a gesture of CARING! Think of yourself in 3rd person if you must. Choose with CURIOSITY? NO "LAST SUPPER SYNDROME"!! There WILL be a "next time!" 

What was your reaction to your first attempt at eating in a restaurant during this program?

+ It was MUCH WORSE than I feared, actually! The portion sizes were HUGE, and we weren't allowed to leave leftovers or divide portions!! So it HURT to eat. I literally felt like I was going to pass out. BUT I PRAYED, AND I GOT THROUGH IT BY GRACE ALONE.

When eating at home, REMEMBER THE FAMILY HAS DISORDERED BEHAVIORS TOO!! Be wary & mindful; use coping skills & set a GOOD EXAMPLE of recovery!


prismaticbleed: (worried)

MOST COMMON PRO-ANOREXIC BELIEFS that cause RESISTANCE TO CHANGE:
  • EMOTIONAL SECURITY = through dissociation/ manic expression (binge) & terror/ sobbing/ trauma expression (purge)?
  • CONTROL = fights rape/ violation/ poison fears. Restriction: "keep the outside OUT of me." Purge= PURIFICATION. Binge= DESTROY.
  • ATTRACTIVENESS= TO MYSELF?? disgusted by feminine figure/ curves/ chunkiness. Shamefully, I did admire my thinness.
  • SELF-CONFIDENCE= somehow, yes. Matched the "inner me"= SEXLESS & free & light. even childlike. "COULD express self."
  • AVOIDANCE OF FEELINGS= eating brings up trauma; not eating means I can keep suppressing it/ denying it; NOT FEEL IT
  • BEING SPECIAL= "I'm NOT like the 'other girls' so I'm NOT a girl"; "If I DON'T want to be like them, I CAN'T LOOK LIKE THEM"
  • FITNESS= admittedly so. The "FEELING" of being loose/ heavy/ flaccid is HUMILIATING & DISTURBING. Valued "strength."
  • NO MENSES= IT'S AN EXPLICIT TRAUMA/ DYSPHORIA TRIGGER. I don't know how I'll cope if it does come back. I'd rather die.


Describe your posture.
  • I always tend to sit "straight w/ shoulders back," attentive; I was repeatedly instructed to do so as a child, and it DOES help keep my mood optimistic & open. BUT, there's also a sense of "containment"? I keep my legs close together, and although my arms aren't crossed, my HANDS are? They're either folded in my lap, or "cradled" right under left w/ upward palms: the latter being a subtle "sign" of receptivity/ listening. The "folding" forms, in contrast, a "closed loop" w/ my arms, allowing me to receive information BUT internalizing my focus.
  • When writing, I hunch over the paper, elbows out to the sides and both hands close on the paper. I lean my head down too. Although I'm "bent" my shoulders are tight, & my abdomen slightly tense. Outwardly I'm "enclosed" w/o "closing off"; signaling total immersion in my work & discouraging approach. Internally I'm "exerting" intense focus-- the emphasis on my arms/ upper body keeps me grounded/ aware in self, so I CAN pour all my conscious focus into the WRITING, not getting carried away by thoughts too fast/complex TO write, which WOULD be accessible/ bleeding over IF my posture was more relaxed & loose: which is required for THINKING/ PROCESSING; when I shift, the tension drops from my chest, my shoulders loosen & shift down, and I look up, eyes UNFOCUSED. BUT my hands/ arms STAY "looped" at chest level, a subtle "enclosing" that still discourages interruption.
  • When triggered/ shaken, I cross my wrists while hunched over the table? My chest & shoulders tense AND hunch, like my back is arching up like a scared cat. I turn my head to the right & tilt my chin down close to my shoulder, as if I had a heavy scarf & I was trying to hide in it. My legs tighten closer together AND my feet ground only at the toes, bent back & out at the knees-- having my feet flat feels UNSAFE & causes panic. My eyes STAY unfocused, through dissociation; my expression freezes neutral??
  • When DEEPLY DISTURBED, I DO pull my arms down in front of my chest, STILL only crossed halfway, over my solar plexus? NOT "folded," only right in front of left. My fingers are loosely curled in, but NOT clenched. I push down w/ my forearms into my stomach-- upper arms pushing BACK?? (and/or up w/ the hunched shoulders) and my LOWER BACK slouches out, my chest tightening with it, in a NOTABLE subconscious "echo" of a vomiting response. My exhales are forceful, controlled, & clipped; my inhales are shallow & brief. WHENEVER I'm distressed/ in crisis to the point of wanting to cry/ scream/ run, the MOST pressure & nausea ALWAYS FOCUSES IN MY STOMACH (solar plexus), & manifests w/ SUDDEN, FORCEFUL, IMPULSIVE exhales/ muscle contractions, as if I were silently screaming or violently throwing up.
  • My expression typically FOCUSES ON MY EYES/ BROW, UNTIL/UNLESS I'M IN CRISIS/ EXTREME EMOTION??


Do you have any new understandings of how you relate to others, after completing the genogram (posted separately)?
  • How I relate to self: internalized/ learned/ COPIED? parental behaviors; SO MUCH of the E.D. is APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR???
  • We've suspected that for YEARS, notably w/ Iscah; our compulsions to be "thin & pretty," "clean & proper," "small & harmless," etc. as WELL as our compulsions to EAT/ NOT EAT certain foods (coffee, chocolate, bacon, etc.) are ALL NOTABLY BASED ON TRYING TO WIN AND/OR DESERVE LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, & APPROVAL from someone we loved, who did not necessarily care about us.

    "If I like/eat all your favorite foods, will you like me, too?/ Will I be your favorite?"

    "If I DON'T like/eat the foods you like/eat, I won't be like you/ I'm saying NO to what you did"? (AMBIVALENCE in trauma contexts!!)
     

  • How I relate to others: I INSTINCTIVELY default to appeasement behavior if I like someone/ want to be close to them?? And if I DON'T FEEL SAFE/ RIGHT in that imitation, I will DISTANCE myself from them & "act like I don't care"?? Even though I DO!!-- I just cannot safely act on that WITHOUT my learned behavior kicking in: "for them to like/ love/ accept/ respect me, I MUST BECOME LIKE THEM"??

Notes on the Victim/ Rescuer/ Persecutor Triangle:
  • Ambivalence: "I want to be saved from this eating disorder/ I "HAVE TO" do these compulsions EVEN THOUGH I hate it"
  • ^ Mom couldn't feed me OR ignore me w/o "seeming like a persecutor" to one or the other?? It breaks my heart. SHE JUST WANTS TO HELP. She loves you!! She's your mom!!

  • I feel compelled to be "a rescuer" BUT when difficult/ scary events occur, I often default to "VICTIM" & view others as "persecutors," although I WILL LOOK for a "rescuer" if it gets real bad!!
  • If others ACT AS "VICTIMS," I tend to AUTOMATICALLY feel/ ACT like a "persecutor?" It's sickening. But that reflects how I treat myself. Relatedly, I will play "rescuer" for people whose needs AREN'T EMOTIONAL???
  • The System DAILY "switches" between ALL 3 ROLES, notably in a crisis. Victims are beaten up by persecutors and HOPEFULLY a rescuer will step in soon. Unfortunately our traumabrain tends to JUSTIFY PERSECUTORS. We apparently VILIFY THE VICTIM??? see them as "manipulative dramatic liars," NOT ACTUAL "VICTIMS"!!!
  • I typically am NOT AWARE of "needs" UNTIL THEY ARE COMPROMISED, and feeling so suddenly & disturbingly "stuck," I feel victimized. I "assume people KNOW what I need," thinking "it MUST be obvious" because "I behave accordingly"?? i.e. I'm quiet & keep to myself, so "you'd ASSUME I needed a seat by myself." But they KEEP putting me in the crowded noisy kitchen, EVEN THOUGH I've spoken up about it TWICE. So it feels "ignorant" or even "malevolent"-- "we don't believe/ trust/ respect your request & "alleged need" SO we're POINTEDLY going to deny/ oppose it!!" That makes them a PERSECUTOR. I feel helpless & feel victimized. Then I LOOK/WAIT for someone to "rescue" me??
  • I "become the persecutor" when I see people BREAKING RULES?? or "MISBEHAVING"?? I "want them to be punished so they behave/ obey"?? I feel AWFUL wanting to be "brutal/ harsh" but their behavior makes me SO ANGRY??? Still, if I DO strike out, then YES, I AM THE PERSECUTOR, and I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANYONE TRAUMA!! but it's happened. Rage is traumatic and I've shown it in the past. for that I am awfully, contritely sorry.
  • Relationships seem permanently damaged once this happens. "My way" no longer matters?? Even if they DO "behave" it's only temporary AND INSINCERE; as it's FORCED through fear/threat; NOT FREELY CHOSEN. So "persecuting" ANYONE never ever does anything good.
  • I think I've "persecuted" TAS/ TBAS/ Q through my blaming them for trauma? even if they DID do something VERY WRONG!! but "being the victim" sometimes feels UNBEARABLE-- if the trauma is too destructive & disturbing-- so I "FLIP" the roles?? I spit vitriol about it instead of weeping. It's so unhealthy & unmerciful. I NEED to learn to COMMUNICATE; never voicing my needs, OR NEVER SAYING "NO," will ALWAYS cause this triangle. I NEED to be OPEN, HONEST, & RESPECTFUL of ME AND THEM!!
  •  

Describe a cyclical maladaptive pattern you've noticed in yourself.

1) "When people talk to me, I think they are testing me or tempting me for a certain response/ "setting me up".
- "I feel like I am on trial, or being watched & monitored. I feel like if I say the wrong thing, I will be marked for abuse."
- "I wish people wouldn't try to have conversations with me/ ask me personal questions/ ask for my "opinion.""
- "I dissociate and respond with shallow, automatic phrases when people talk to me"?
2) "If I talk to people, they will judge me according to the propriety of my response, & treat me according to their being pleased or offended. Offense will almost inevitably merit further brutal abuse for the sake of correcting/ forcing me to please them instead."
3) "When I talk/ respond to people, they appear awkwardly uncomfortable, nervous, and/ or "down"; they seem angry, upset, & impatient."
4) "When I talk to people, I never speak properly, and I feel gross & stupid afterwards. I am miserable & try to isolate; I violently & repeatedly condemn myself."

prismaticbleed: (shatter)


pre-breakfast (night prior)//

+ miserable. freaking out to the point of almost puking, in frustrated frightened tears, because I cannot decide on breakfast options. Yes it's stupid. but it's true. there are SO many choices, too many combinations. i don't know which one is the RIGHT ONE. I can't do applejuice or cranapple because every else does and that's THEIRS. it would look like I wasn't trying. I can't do an apple because I had one yesterday, and I can't do an orange because I'll have on on Sunday and I CAN'T "double" days. BUT a banana would be the "easy choice," AND I CAN'T do a banana if I do OJ because it'll screw up my stomach. I can't do grape because "it's my favorite" & thus the easy option. So if I get OJ & an orange I CAN'T double that on Sunday... but it IS a possibility. Hm. Maybe. It'll force me to "break the pattern" which can get too rigid. BUT CEREAL! I need to "try" Rice Krispies, BUT I'm STILL SCARED of the Cheerios, AND I actually have NO DATA for the Chex... which I think is the ONLY ONE I CAN'T get a single-serving of at home to try. Krispies are "easier" because of HAVEN memories, but "scary" because rice. BUT SAME WITH CHEX, which I FORGET. But I can do those next week? Or is it "chickening out" to NOT do them now? But I'd be a COWARD for NOT retrying the Cheerios. BUT EVERYONE PICKS CHEERIOS. The Chex would be the "challenge" in that respect. You see why I'm miserable. Jesus help me please.



post-breakfast//

+ Today's topic: OBSESSIONS, COMPULSIONS, & BEHAVIORS. What are we struggling with? What are the "RULES?" What "MUST" be done? WHY? What is the PURPOSE, or INTENDED GOAL/ RESULT, of these O/C/Bs?? What DISTORTIONS are present? What EMOTIONS are we feeling AS A RESULT OF THESE THOUGHTS? Are their action urges JUSTIFIED? Why or why not?
= Cannot "repeat" food choices twice in a row; every day MUST be different from the previous, "or I'm being lazy/ stubborn"
= Must have "even distribution" of choices over week, to be "fair" & "to make sense"? Uneven numbers "wrong"
= Must ALWAYS choose the "MOST CHALLENGING/ DIFFICULT" option, "or I'm being a coward/ stubborn"
= Must "get taste data"/ be conscious of eating or it "doesn't count"; "have to do it over"
= Must eat foods in "proper combinations," or it is "disordered/ improper" and "careless"
= NOT ALLOWED to CHOOSE foods that I "like"; that's "self-indulgent"/ addictive/ lazy/ cowardly"
= MUST (PARADOXICALLY) "LIKE" EVERYTHING THAT OTHERS LIKE to avoid offense? + NOT like what THEY dislike?? "DEFINED BY ORDERS"
"Enjoying things"/ "pl*sre" is WRONG/ BAD" "Suffering is GOOD because it is NOT enjoyable and IS brave"
"I must always be brave/ strong" "I must always do the most difficult thing
" "I must always push myself harder"
"I must be GOOD
" → "Good is SELFLESS" → "My own feelings & preferences don't matter"
"
I must be PURE/ PERFECT" → "Goodness is UNCONTAMINATED" "Goodness DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES/ BAD CHOICES"
"I must be OBEDIENT" → "to be GOOD" "unselfish" "self-sacrificial"
"KNOWLEDGE" obsession? Fear of "not knowing." Mystery = FAILURE TO LEARN??? Compulsion TO "find out"?
"Not allowed to like foods" PERPETUATES "fear food" phenomenon? RESISTS RECOVERY because then there's "NO CHALLENGES???" "Recovery = LIKING EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M TOLD TO"??? UNTRUE!!! (SELF-DESTRUCTION; REPLACE SELF WITH "OTHER")
Obsessing over 'CHOOSING" "one thing over another" = "ALL OR NOTHING." scared of "cruelty/ offense/ REJECTION," even with food (inanimate)
Ultimate goals are ORDERLINESS, PROGRESS, BRAVERY, KNOWLEDGE, OBEDIENCE, DISCIPLINE, SPECIFICITY? PROPRIETY? "GOODNESS." Harmony/ elegance/ cooperation? "Aesthetic" agreement, as well as "choreography" OF choices?? INTENTIONALITY; making impulsive/ "indulgent" decisions is LAZY = BAD. Lazy is COWARDLY, no effort, no strength, no elegance. DIFFICULTY is valued to PROVE STRENGTH, and to PREVENT STAGNANCY? BUT "STRUCTURE" is often repeated? "Elegant;" effective distribution/ planning sticks. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Surprise changes (chosen by TEAM) ARE welcome, BUT MY OWN CHOICES MUST FIT SOME GREATER ORDER? They must be WISE, INFORMED, & CHALLENGING? But then I NEVER REST, AND I KEEP "MAKING NEW CHALLENGES TO FACE/ PROBLEMS TO SOLVE"!!! We did the SAME THING in 2017!!! The thought of "making an EASY/ COMFORTABLE" choice feels REPULSIVE? It would "seriously damage" my MORAL INTEGRITY?? Because "BEING GOOD = SUFFERING"???? "Liking" things is CONDEMNED; WHY?? Feels "OBTRUSIVE"? PREVENTS "CHALLENGE"??? ASSERTS "SELF"???

EMOTIONAL RESPONSES/ ACTION URGES = JUSTIFICATION?
SCARED of "choosing the wrong thing"? NOT the food itself-- ANY of them, IF "CORRECT," would be fine & non-threatening? But I'm "scared" of the "CHOOSING WRONG"?? When I obsess, I think "I HAVE to figure out the SMARTEST/ MOST CHALLENGING option"? I will make DATA SHEETS even!! Do I fear a threat to my "WELL-BEING"??? But fear FOCUSES ON ESCAPING DANGER. WHAT IS THE DANGER? Notably, "wrong" would be the EASY, COMMON, HABITUAL, OR "OUT OF PLACE" CHOICE? The GOAL IS HEALING = REQUIRES "ILLNESS"!!!!!
ALSO tied to DISGUST: "wrong" choosing could SERIOUSLY DAMAGE my SENSE OF MORALITY/ INTEGRITY?? & ORDERLINESS? "THINGS WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG" = CONTAMINATION FEAR!! "Wrong" choices "DON'T WORK/ BELONG" TOGETHER??? "HAPHAZARD"; "uncontrolled/ wild"; "CANCEROUS"
✳ ALSO tied to ANGER: "Important goal" of GOODNESS/ ORDER/ INTEGRITY being BLOCKED by "cowardice/ laziness/ carelessness/ stubbornness"? THOSE qualities are "DISEASES"/ "SPIRITUALLY SICKENING" and MUST BE "HEALED" THROUGH EFFORT/ ACTION/ PRECISION, and the DISCIPLINE to FOLLOW THE RULES/ BE IN PROPER ORDER. No sloppiness or "carefree" behavior. ANGER fights ALL these "ugly tendencies" to OVERCOME those obstacles by FORCE and to STOP FURTHER THREATS. The problem is, ANGER SEES "SELF-INDULGENCE" as a threat and "SELF-DISCIPLINE" as the ideal, so it "DISCIPLINES" the "BAD CHILD" through VIOLENCE & VERBAL ABUSE, with the intended goal of "crushing" all inclination to be "soft & weak & sensual & sloppy & EVIL" -- qualities we ALSO associate with FATNESS. If "fat = evil" then "thin = good" AND "strong = good"? It's a mess. Being "big" FILLS US WITH "ARROGANT RAGE"??? Like the sheer SIZE of our body ELICITS POWER-ABUSIVE TENDENCIES??? WHY. Is it the desperate drive to DESTROY THE FAT=SLOVENLY RISK??? So much disgust. The "clean freak" obsession gets SO BAD. "MUST discipline/ control/ tame/ etc. this WILD/ ANIMALISTIC/ DISORDERED THING." Ironically, the eating disorder got WORSE through the hypercontrolling. ALL EXTREMES ARE UNHEALTHY!
SADNESS: kicks in AFTER ANGER & self-destructive consequences; "things are not the way you hoped/ wanted/ expected" & "PERMANENT LOSS." "I did not behave the way I SHOULD" = "I HOPED I could be GOOD; I WANTED to be BRAVE; I EXPECTED to be SMART ENOUGH... but I WASN'T"??? LOSS = FAILURE TO BE GOOD/ PERFECT = ALL OR NOTHING: "THEN I'M BAD." Keeps cycling back to annihilatory RAGE, WHILE SOBBING typically.
GUILT: "BEHAVIOR VIOLATES MORAL CODE." Obvious & self-explanatory. ALL my decisions are "MORALLY RIGHT OR WRONG", no matter how small.
SHAME: "If my actions/ characteristics are REVEALED, I will be REJECTED BY THE "GOOD"/ BY "REAL CHRISTIANS"!!!" VERY powerful with "bad [food] choices" because those are ON THE TRAY FOR ALL TO SEE, & my choices are RECORDED BY TEAM. SO, if I "chicken out" and choose the EASY option, OR the SAME THING repeatedly, THAT COWARDLY LAZINESS WILL BE REVEALED AND I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO "SET A GOOD EXAMPLE" OR "BE A GOOD, OBEDIENT, BRAVE GIRL" ANYMORE-- the "secret sin" is APPARENT and I AM DOOMED. NO SECOND CHANCES!!!
YOU F*CKED UP AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT BACK, THE "DEED IS DONE" YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE, ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED THE "COMFY OPTION"!!!!

I chose whole milk instead of chocolate and I AM A F*CKING COWARD!!!
I didn't choose it because I'M TRYING to cut down on the sugar
NO EXCUSES YOU F*CKING LAZYASS COWARD
do I have to
I don't want it I dont like all the sugar
ANd, And mr. doctor SAID! dont obsess!
BUT But WE HAVe tO
CANT CHICKEN OUT DON'T BE SO F*CKING LAZY
DO THE HARD THING
STOP LOOKING FOR "EASY" WAYS OUT
STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUFFERING!!!!

ISNT THIS SUFFERING ENOUGH

NO
THIS DOESN'T COUNT THIS IS DISCIPLINE FOR YOUR SELFINDULGENT ASS
LEARN TO DO THE RIGHT THING
STOP CHICKENING OUT!!!

MAN THE F*CK UP!!!!



(1) I didn't choose chocolate milk because I was scared of the sugar taste
(2) EVERYONE is choosing chocolate milk
(3) IT'S THEIRS, SAVE IT FOR THEM
(4) IT'S COMMON, SET A BRAVE EXAMPLE BY DOING DIFFERENT
(5) BUT IT'S A CHALLENGE FOR US
(6) IT'S MORE OF A "CHALLENGE" NOT TO CHOOSE IT, APPARENTLY
(7) F*CK YOU THAT'S A HOLLOW EXCUSE
YOU RAN AWAY. ON PURPOSE. YOU CHICKENED OUT


(8) what is the bravest choice, for real, what is "GOOD"
what is "effective"


(9) Our GOAL is to BE BRAVE.
The MOST "EFFECTIVE" THING would be to
- ADMIT we chickened out
- FIX THE DECISION
WHICH WE DID
I'M PROUD OF YOU
SEE I KNEW YOU WEREN'T REALLY A COWARD.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE
IT CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER
BY FACING YOUR FEAR OF "SUGAR"
AND REALIZING IT CAN'T HURT YOU/ US
"REMEMBER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID"
ALL THE CHOICES HAVE NUTRITION
EVEN THE SCARY ONES.






post-dinner/

We were too "proud." We drank it cold & couldn't taste it. The FAILURE distracted us for the whole meal. How ironic. "No right choice." BUT in MEMORY we have data, thanks to Jesus's mercy. We're sorry for our arrogance in "proving ourselves." Please, please forgive our foolish heart.
+ For the record. We DIDN'T "chicken out on Rice Krispies-- they were OUT! So we bravely retried the Chex, AND tasted it this time-- NOT soaking it, but NOT eating it by hand either. We used minimal milk & used a spoon, all proper. The taste, esp. unwet, DOES trigger "trauma echoes." It's humbling & horrifying to REALIZE & REMEMBER JUST HOW BAD THINGS WERE back then. But FEAR NOT!! God has brought us to recovery and we NEVER have to go through that hell again!! In time, we pray, those memories will fade, and the Chex will be "free" & "innocent" again, too. THAT'S WHAT WE WANT with ALL trauma/ fear foods! THAT'S why we're SO DETERMINED NOT to "chicken out"-- THAT PREVENTS HEALING, PERPETUATES FEAR, and KEEPS BOTH ME & THE FOOD STUCK IN A TRAUMA MINDSET!! WE WANT TO BE FREE, and FREEDOM ONLY COMES THROUGH LOVE!! THAT is how to forgive & move on-- you NEED that GRACE first!! So please, PLEASE, pray constantly & sincerely for it!! We CAN'T be "Good" on our own-- we CAN'T be TRULY BRAVE on our own either. WE NEED GOD. We need to do it WITH HIS POWER and FOR HIS FLORY, THROUGH HIS LOVE!!! And tragically we failed to do that tonight. We were SO carried away with self-hatred & PRIDE, wanting to be "brave" but FOR THE WRONG REASON-- almost to spite ourself, DEFINITELY with a smug "victory over stupidity" vibe, shame on us-- that we DIDN'T HONESTLY THINK OF GOD. He WASN'T our primary focus. We didn't choose the chocolate milk TO LET HIS MERCY WORK THROUGH US, but to chastise ourselves for "being weak." And GOD BRINGS DOWN THE PROUD!!! Which He SURE DID for our misguided ass, and THANK YOU GOD FOR DOING SO, because we NEEDED this lesson, DESPERATELY. We could NEVER hope to "make the good choice" WITHOUT YOU, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL GOOD!! On our own we WERE doomed to fail, no matter HOW hard we tried; our mind was ENTIRELY IN THE WRONG SPACE. I felt that last night, trying to figure out the juice datasheet. It felt so exasperating & distressing; I didn't even PRAY because I was so obsessed & MISERABLE. God I am so, so sorry. Please, CHANGE MY HEART!!! Help me TO pray, REALLY pray, WITHOUT abandoning recovery & "thinking I don't have to care about life anymore." Loving & worshipping You IS LIFE, and I want to do that WITH my life-- ALL OF IT!! I desperately, fervently want YOU to be PRESENT in ALL aspects of my daily life & work, NOT JUST IN RECITED PRAYER. We can't be TRUE friends if I only ever talk to You & spend time with You in "prepackaged" ways-- yes, those prayers are STILL Good & Beautiful, BUT I'M saying them in RITUAL OBLIGATION, something "to be done" by the schedule; I SHOULD be-- and I WANT to be-- inviting You to be with me in MY HUMANITY. Right now, You feel SO "unapproachable," SO "pure & Almighty," that I TREMBLE to talk to You, let alone EAT & COOK & WRITE & DREAM with You. And that's SO TRAGICALLY WRONG. Please, God-- LET ME KNOW YOU. Please, BE MY FRIEND. Hang out with me at breakfast. Share that PopTart. Guide me through lunch. Discuss DBT with me. Let's sit on the patio together. Let's listen to Lofi music together. Let's LIVE, in ALL the little moments, TOGETHER, and so CONSECRATE ALL OF MY LIFE to YOU, dearest Lord... no exceptions. SOLI DEO GLORIA.



prismaticbleed: (shatter)



BULIMIA WORKBOOK
~101122+


List the characteristics of bulimia that you notice in yourself.

+ Terrified to eat at ALL-- even one bite threatened to throw me into an uncontrollable devouring monster
+ ALWAYS purged my meals. Never sat downn; felt “lazy.” Used to treadmill/run for 2+ solid hours a DAY
+ Bingeing/purging was my MAIN and possibly ONLY effective way to deal with PTSD; it WAS sedating/dissociative
+ I ALWAYS ate in secret, and used to hoard/ pilfer/ steal foods to binge on, even “against my will.” Food itself was shameful.
+ When NOT bingeing, I would hyperrestrict (fasting up to 20 hours) and was hyperavoidant (ONLY eating the same 3 or 4 foods).
+ I was obsessed with weight loss & thinness. I could not rest unless my weight was LOWER than it was in the morning, down to decimals even.
+ Often binges happened TO destroy food/ empty my kitchen, so “now I’ll be safe”; yo-yo between hating to eat, and being addicted to it.

Physical symptoms of bulimia:

+ DEPRESSION: “abnormal eating and malnutrition may have STARTED the depression!!”
+ I experienced irritability to the point of RAGE. It was uncontrollable.
+ I experienced debilitating problems with concentration & thinking clearly. This RUINED me; I never imagined it was an EFFECT of bulimia!
+ I experienced torturous compulsivity. This was MY DAILY HELL. The thoughts were nonstop, and against my will, driving me to “excessive and even senseless” extremes of behavior-- but if I DIDN’T do that behavior, the anxiety and distress would become so intolerable it would feel as if I was dying, like my brain was on fire and screaming. Common compulsions centered around “I MUST eat/ buy/ try this,” with no explanation other than “I HAVE to/ THEY SAID I have to”, “MUST do things in SPECIFIC patterns/ orders/ amounts, etc.”, etc. I cannot possibly put into words how irresistible the screaming compulsivity was. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THESE THINGS; I HAD TO. There is a HUGE and awful difference. These compulsions DROVE THE BINGES. I literally felt helpless to resist, “OR ELSE”…!!!
+ If I WASN’T restricting, I was DOOMED to binge??? It felt like there were ONLY TWO OPTIONS.

How has bulimia effected you psychologically?

+ NONSTOP, SCREAMING, COMPULSIVE/REPETITIVE THOUGHTS (VOICES!!! = “ORDERS”)
+ Obsessive behaviors with food; e.g. counting, eating in certain order, “right/wrong” panic
+ Irritable at the slightest “imperfection”/ discomfort/ inconvenience/ interruption; EXPLOSIVE anger
+ Prone to WILD mood swings, ONLY EXTREMES; mania, rage, despair, etc. “All or NOTHING”
+ Could NOT concentrate or focus; nothing ever “registered” and I could barely form coherent thoughts
+ DESPAIRING depression; lost ALL interest & joy in everything. Lost hope for future; even rejected past happiness.
+ SUFFOCATING ANXIETY that quickly spiked into PANIC. Always a feeling of “impending doom” & disaster.
+ Crippling shame & guilt;
moral panic/ despair when I couldn’t just “stop.” Destroyed my spiritual stability.
+ Unable to handle stress without resorting to behaviors; catastrophized everything. Overwhelmed constantly; E.D. numbed this.

How has bulimia effected your behavior?

+ In ~2015-2019, I began to steal money from family members & “cheat” prices on store items. I would steal food from my family’s rooms, desks, & cars; I would eat EVERYTHING in the dridge & cupboards & shelves. ALL of it was done in spy-like secrecy; I woud obsess & panic over it for hours/days, waiting for the “right moment” & HINGEING my mental health on it. I “needed” to binge, like an addict. I had tunnel vision around enabling it.
+ I lied ABOUT the stealing & eating; typically when pointedly asked “what happened to ____?” OR, “how did you spend all that money?” etc. I was so ashamed/guilty AND IN DENIAL that I essentially COULDN’T be honest about it.
+ Began to “flirt with” alcohol/ drugs/ sexual abuse in 2018-2019. Thank God that never took root.

How has bulimia effected you socially?

+ I did not ever want to be around other people. I would rather binge and purge than do anything else, when it came down to it. I couldn’t imagine my life being anything else by that point. Everything revolved around it. I hated even leaving the house because I’d spend the entire time trying to “plan” or “figure out” how/what I was going to binge/purge when I got home-- and in social situations that involved food, it was a living hell, because unless I had unlimited and instant access to a bathroom I would honestly be CONVINCED that I was DYING. It was impossible to interact with me as a human being, because I had no sense of self-- or arguably humanity-- left; all I had was my disorder, which was killing me every day. Therefore I avoided ALL SOCIALIZATION; I couldn’t resist any temptations to binge/ couldn’t stop thinking about the next binge/ had NOTHING in my life to discuss or disclose BUT the disorder & related trauma.
+ I appeared very extroverted and friendly on the outside, but it was completely fabricated and artificial. All my “relationships” were equally hollow and superficial. All I cared about was this damned disorder, jail though it was. Deep down I had NO self-esteem or self-worth at ALL, and I depended entirely on others to survive, because on my own I knew I was dead in the water. Furthermore, I acted “hyper-friendly” to MASK my shame and guilt ABOUT the bulimia; this backfired horribly as I never intended/ wanted to talk or socialize to begin with; I ESPECIALLY didn’t want ANYONE talking to/ looking for ME!! I wanted to hide & binge & not exist. Again, despite this I was also hyperdependent; that “loss of self” both prevented binges (when I stopped caring about myself, I’d STOP EATING) AND perpetuated them (when I inevitably DID have to “be alone with myself,” I couldn’t stand myself & would binge to numb).
+ Eating at home, even as a child, was frequently a distressing experience. There was constant fighting and arguing at the table, punishment related to food-- either force-feeding or withholding food-- and getting sick from meals was not uncommon. We were typically pointedly watched as we ate, being commented on and critiqued, as if we were performing for them, which was deeply disturbing and felt viscerally invasive. As we grew older our mother would admit to sneaking our claimed allergens into our food to “see if we were making it up or not.” Mom also sexualized food a lot, which scarred us as a child. Sometimes grandpa or the boys would have temper tantrums that involved throwing or destroying food, which effectively synonymized the meal itself with their violent anger.
+ I NEVER ate at school, from 2004-2013. The very thought of eating around other people, especially in unfamiliar crowds, was genuinely traumatic and rape-analogous. I remember how intolerable the first years of high school were, when we would avoid the cafeteria like the plague, often to the point of sobbing from sheer terror over the teachers trying to get us to “sit down with us and eat something!”
+ Bulimia is EXPENSIVE. This aspect of it was HELL. I was ALWAYS broke & begging for money. I’d spend ~$20 a DAY buying binge foods. I was ALWAYS broke, and typically could not pay my bills or afford basic expenses. I spent all my savings, and was constantly pilfering other people’s funds, or borrowing money I could never pay back. I outright STOLE so much money I honestly should have been jailed. At the lowest point I relied on charitable donations from pitying strangers, my haggard thinness ironically financing my addiction. Even so, I lied to their faces-- I never admitted my addiction. I am so tragically guilty of financial sin concerning this disorder; I was so desperate, it blinded me to all moral sense & respect. I “NEEDED” money for my addiction, like a druggie.
I could not reason concerning right or wrong; all that mattered was getting my next fix.

List some ways that psychosocial factors have influenced your bulimia.

+ I was constantly unhappy with my body, due to gender dysphoria & sexuality trauma. The weight was one of the most obvious factors affecting my daily reminders of/ risk of this, and the only one I had ANY control over.
+ I was constantly objectified as a child; this continued into adulthood-- albeit LESS so, directly! I was always praised for being “thin” & “pretty,” OR “shaped nicely” & “attractive.” AS A CHILD. I was valued for “desirability” & “beauty,” emphasized by my mother pushing me into pageantry & modeling, and treating me like a dress-up toy at home. Adult abusive relationships also put strong focus on my looks.
+ Family & media prejudice against “fatness” was burned into my brain; my mother & grandmother emphasized this aggressively. My grandfather was very fat & CONSTANTLY ridiculed/ shamed/ dehumanized for it, notably by my grandmother; he was called “lazy/ gross/ piggish/ shameful/ etc.” almost on a daily basis for it. My mother always berated/ insulted/ mocked both “obese patients” at work AND her own body shape; she always “had to lose weight” & called herself “ugly” or “disgusting,” specifically pointing out what parts of her body elicited this and why. Grandma was stick thin; mom used to be, and she was always showing off her photos and old outfits to me, boasting at how small she was, and commenting that I wasn’t quite that thin, it’s “too bad you won’t fit into this, it’s so pretty,” etc., at length implying that I was “too fat to be pretty” & therefire I was inherently unlikeable. I internalized all this very early; I was “disgusted” with normal female body shapes even in my youth (although trauma did play heavily into this too).
+ Daily life/ abuse became inescapably awful & isolating; trapped in kitchens, I quickly learned to binge to cope

How has bulimia affected your health?

+ Chronic stomach upset. Ironically this made me even MORE afraid to eat; I thought the FOOD was “damaging me”, even to the point of being convinced I was lethally allergic to MOST FOODS.
+ My teeth are SHOT, from both stress-brushing & purging, not to mention the hard crunching I’d favor in foods, especially in the early days-- in high school, my END GOAL of a binge was for my mouth to be bleeding from the violence of eating.
+ Constant dehydration. I actually PURSUED this as it “made me even lighter”; water weight was STILL WEIGHT.
+ Electrolyte imbalances were inevitable. Hospital visits for this were frequent. I quickly learned to “self-medicate” with a deft mix of electrolyte powders, salt, vitamin pills, glucose tablets, pedialyte, & powerade, imitating what I was given in the ER as best I could.
+ I was TERRIFIED of a possible stomach rupture and thought about it almost daily.

What medical problems have you had as a result of your bulimia?

+ Gums pushed back from teeth, exposing roots: “violent toothbrushing” was another anxiety/ self-soothing behavior, and became obsessive (HAD to brush when stressed/ every time ANY “taste” was in my mouth). Teeth began to darken & become more sensitive/ prone to cavities/ damaged within the past year? Unsure why. Nevertheless, my teeth were always doomed to suffer, at least nutritionally, from the restriction & purging both.
+ I was chronically dehydrated, & my hyperlimited diet-- plus broccoli/zucchini/EVOO binges-- gave me chronic diarrhea, which only worsened the problem. I frequently had to go to the ER for nosediving potassium/ chloride/ sodium/ magnesium levels.
+ My stomach & intestines were always in pain. When I wasn’t having liquid bowel movements, they wouldn’t want to move at all. I would have chronic intestinal spasms & cramps, sometimes so bad I couldn’t walk, let alone stand up.

LIST HOW
YOUR COMMON FOODS AFFECT THE WAY YOU FEEL:


OATS = heavy, overheated, panicky
PEPITAS = dirty, ashamed, anxious
CARROTS = hyper, hungry, obsessive
GRAPES = hyper, “poisoned,” fearful
AVOCADO = nervous, guilty, “punished”
BROCCOLI = content, happy, “nourished” (ugly word)
SPINACH = guilty, frightened, out of control
GREEN BEANS = shameful, “cheater,” guilty
CHICKEN SAUSAGE = scared, dirty, guilty


What was your weight like before you developed bulimia?

I was never that big, honestly-- my average was 115. It began to drop during high school; I hit 105 in 2012 (I still remember the exact moment I saw that number on the scale, and the scared yet giddy euphoria I felt), and that’s when the bulimia started in earnest (from what I remember). By 2016 I was ~87. I went up to 120 in recovery in 2017, fell to 100 by 2018, and in 2022 I hit 84 at my lowest point. As of 101322 I’m at 102 in recovery.

How did you feel?

I was miserable with my pre-disorder weight until I started to lose it, even when it was stable-- I tried to ignore both it & my body, but when I couldn’t, it was intolerable. I desperately wanted to “reverse” ALL the changes of puberty. Once weight loss began to “achieve” this, my mood would briefly be euphoric, before falling again at the thought of how much could NOT chance (at least, not easily) with weight loss.

What has it been like for you since the onset of bulimia?

Hell, honestly. As a living creature, I HAVE to eat, like it or not, to maintain healthy life. So seeing food in such a negative way-- NOT as nourishment, but as PURE “WEIGHT”-- was a daily torture.
Even WORSE was how TRAPPED I felt in “an abuser’s body,” a terror that made me reject ALL “invasion & violation,” AND femininity, BOTH of which I associated powerfully with food & the very act of eating. Bulimia was my only outlet for the violent, self-annihilating rage I felt on a daily, even hourly basis.
Even so it was hell. It became an addiction, something “I couldn’t lose” when all other things were stolen or mangled beyond repair-- something “protective,” an “emergency exit” when I felt threatened by those percieved invaders that would devour the last shreds of my identity. Ironically, over time, it did that very thing. It swallowed up ALL my thoughts, time, money, & efforts. It wrecked my family relationships and destroyed friendships. It rendered me incapable of living a normal life, incapable of taking care of myself, and unwilling to live. Thank GOD I am in this recovery program now-- by myself, I was 18 years dead.

What do you think should be an ideal weight for you and why?

Honestly, if I knew that weight included a fair amount of MUSCLE, I’d be cool with 115, at the MOST. But to be totally honest, it ALL depends on how I FEEL & LOOK. The number is secondary. If my body FEELS loose & flabby, even IF I’m underweight, it’s terrifying. I want to be fit & streamlined & strong, not “ugly” words like “thin” & “slim” & “slender.” That’s gross. I DON’T want to be a waif or a skeleton. I DON’T want to be “petite” or “lanky” or “lean,” even. All those words make me nauseous. I want to be STRONG & HEALTHY. I want to be buff without being hefty. And I DO NOT want to look like a girl!! That’s just being honest. But yeah, 115 is cool right now, 110 better for my current state. I need to ease into it, and TONE IT UP SON!!!


Write a paragraph about what it was like for you to come into the hospital listing both the positive and negative aspects of this experience for you.

POSITIVE:
+ No meal preparation/ buying/ planning
+ No obsessing over “what to eat”; no trust in own choices
+ Solidly structured day
+ Predictable routine of meals (minor variations)
+ Lots of workbooks to focus on
+ No access/ ability to overeat
+ No access/ abiltiy to binge
+ No restriction because “eating will make them happy/ proud of me”
+ TRUST in facing fear foods “since THEY gave it to me”
+ Lots of education


NEGATIVE:
- Lots of sugar in diet
- Obligatory social conversation
- Unavoidable exposure to media/ music that disturbs me
- “No control” over body shape or sickness
- Body getting bigger & “padded”
- Lots of pain & discomfort
- Trauma flashbacks & panic attacks
- No longer recognize own body
- Cannot exercise
- Cannot go outside (at first)
- MUST learn to sit with anxiety & discomfort
- Sleep schedule/ soundness disturbed
- Become DEPENDENT on hospital for “recovery”


Some personality characteristics can predispose people to turn to bingeing as a means of coping. Do you recognize any of these in yourself? If so, which ones?

Admittedly-- and with great humiliation-- ALL of them, both now & in the past.
1. “The Pleasure Eater”, using food as a comfort mechanism or stimulant = when “bored” by isolation (for WEEKS) and plagued by anxiety & depression-- AND often the lack of accessible healthy options-- I would combat the “emptiness” by shopping & eating, “just to feel something loud enough to get through the numbness/ have a consistent & practical job to do.” Eating WAS indeed the “solution”-- I never dealt with the root causes of my negative emotions. But in a way this behavior WAS A SURVIVAL MECHANISM during trauma situations (“solitary confinement”), so that “comfort” was ALL I HAD.
2. “Entitlement,” feeling deprived and using food as a tranquilizer for anxiety = I felt so deprived of LOVE; many basic needs were unmet/ hindered: water & clothes were tricky to manage, shelter was a dirty crowded mess/ isolatory, finances were limited/ controlled. I “simulated abundance” by bingeing; it temporarily fooled me, but ultimately made the “lack” so much worse-- after a binge, I’d be even more anxious, frightened, alone, poor, & deprived than any other time.
3. “Natural flaw thinking,” feeling incapable of managing eating urges = I did believe that I’d inevitably
fail/ relapse, feeling helpless/ powerless against my compulsions & urges to binge. When in crisis, and/or “beating myself up,” I’d flat-out “give in/ give up” and purge/ restrict/ binge as SELF-ABUSE. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy; I felt “too broken/ bad/ stupid/ etc. to be healthy,” damning myself to the disorder.

List below the potential problems you may have with hospital rules.

+ Some problems with “recreation therapy” & “art” groups; these can be VERY depressing & anxiety-inducing, even triggering! They can also be hypersocial/ “new-agey” which makes me notably distressed & can trigger flashbacks. I would rather NOT make art if that’s OK? “Art” is VERY trauma-mangled for me currently, & in general it is INTENSELY PERSONAL for me; “doing art” in PUBLIC feels like violation/ voyeurism.
+ At first “no purge” was tough, ESPECIALLY when suffering pain & FULLNESS after meals
+ I also had to overcome my “passive-aggressive” tendency of NOT expressing my needs & expecting others to be able to “guess”/ “read the mood”. I’m actively overcoming this.


A NOTE:
+ Bulimia has historically been my ONLY “coping skill,” so when it is removed, ALL the stuff I was using it to muffle/suppress WILL manifest at last!!! Without different, healthy coping skills to manage this, recovery will be EXTREMELY DISTRESSING & potentially impossible, due to trauma upheaval.

What fears fo you have when you think of giving up your bulimia?

+ I fear the reason why it started: the old trauma, emotional distress, identity loss, & despair for the future that I always ran away from, unwilling to face/ admit/ accept their reality in my psyche. I naturally want to puke when I’m anxious & overwhelmed & even angry; my stomach just knots up & spasms, and my emotions “instinctively” want to “get the poison out”/ “purge out the pain”, which physically translates to a desperate “need” to be empty/ safe/ clean again, characterized by vomiting. That would happen with or without food. But, as for the bingeing, that began as “eating myself into oblivion” during high school, a desperate & covert way to “force total dissociation” from intolerable stress/ fear/ sorrow and hopelessness/ helplessness. I HAD NO “SAFE SPACES”, no coping skills, no support system, and no way to even process the ABUSE I was suffering at that time as well. In that situation, with nowhere to go & nowhere to turn to, with no “escape” or refuge available to me, childhood comfort/ survival instinct kicked in, & I turned to food to “meet those needs.” But I had SO MUCH PAIN, and such a gutted sense of self from the trauma, that no amount of food could EVER fill that abyss. I began to binge, solely to dissociate for HOURS, and subtly self-destruct, perhaps even an unconscious “venting” of distress violent urges through all the biting/ chewing-- AND EXPLICITLY A TRAUMA RESPONSE with the SPITTING, which er turned to vomiting, when my hunger got so bad I started actually consuming things. But it felt like POISON, like APE, es ecially after SLC, and I LITERALLY BELIEVED that I WAS “vomiting out all the trauma stored in my stomach fat”; a belief rooted in the psychosomatic horror of feeling/ hearing “yellow screaming” when I would touch the bulk of my abdomen, and reinforced by the fact that those screaming emotions DID decrease in intensity & volume as I lost weight.
The bulimia became a nightly hell, and-- as life became more stressful & isolatory, & I lost my main methods of self-abuse??-- eventually escalated to devour my entire life. Paradoxically, although it WAS hell, it was less of a hell than what I was using it to run away from. I clung to it like an addict, because it was STILL “numbing” all the conscious awareness of trauma & crisis IN my daily life. When I TRIED to stop, I suddenly HAD to face those harrowing truths & emotional turmoil, and I had NO IDEA HOW, let alone any means or skills to, BESIDES the bulimia/ anorexia. So I could never “quit,” because the alternative was intolerable. As sick as it sounds, the bingeing/ purging DID “keep me alive” in those situations where I otherwise would’ve been more directly suicidal. Nevertheless it WAS still killing me in its own way. Even now, I “fear” “giving it up” SOLELY because it WAS a “survival mechanism” for so long. The STARVING is something I WILL admittedly “MISS” in a way--
I associated that feeling of hunger & emptiness with COURAGE & DISCIPLINE & PURITY & SACRIFICE. Eating felt dirty in contrast. But… that starvation was ALSO a desperate attempt to “deny & suppress” my hunger IN PRINCIPLE, because deep down, part of me DID WANT TO EAT & even ENJOYED IT. And that was both TERRIFYING & UNACCEPTABLE because we saw “eating” as SYNONYMOUS WITH SEX. “Enjoyment” AND “desire” in general were “sexualized” to our abused brain. I fear that happening again-- the “feeling violated” and/or “feeling like a whore” when I CHOOSE to eat… and the purge response to being “forced” to eat in “violating” circumstances, such as in LOUD places or when FORCED to talk/ socialize. Without purging I feel raped. Restricting PREVENTS that, and overeating is almost a “FAWN” response… purging is delayed FIGHT. But… they’ve been my ONLY APPLICABLE COPING MECHAMISMS FOR “CONSUMPTION TRAUMA” and right now I have NO effective replacements. God I NEED OTHER SURVIVAL MECHANISMS. I NEED HEALTHY COPING SKILLS. Please help me.


In short:

YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONS (OR “LACK THEREOF”) IN ORDER TO PROPERLY MANAGE & RESPOND TO THEM!!

Emotions are MESSAGES that communicate some NEED, and that act to MOTIVATE us to ACT on that need!

If we DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE our emotions, DENY or IGNORE them, those “unmet needs” will GET WORSE AND SO WILL THE EMOTIONS; no matter HOW much you suppress them, they WILL EVENTUALLY EXPLODE. This inevitably has dire consequences.

Binges numbed & suppressed emotions; purges were the rejection of their awareness. Restriction attempted to BOTH deny and erase emotions, but only made them even stronger THROUGH avoidance AND starvation.

We need to stop trying to “turn off” or “crush” our emotions when they cry out. LISTEN TO THEM!! Don’t use food as a physiological weapon!!


What is bulimia to me?

 

It’s a living hell!! It’s a legit ADDICTION, trying to “numb” our minds to both inner & outer turmoil, and to prevent us FROM “living” when life is seen as intolerable. It is a replacement for suicide & a placeholder for chronic abuse. It is an obstacle between me & myself. It is an expression of despair. It is self-loathing yet wanting to feel worthy of care. It is fear; SO much fear, and resistance to “what is.”

What is it like to give up bulimia?

 

Freedom. There IS a “fear,” though, of our alleged “uncontrollability” and the loss of our “sedative” of binge/ purge cycles to “suppress” it. We’re afraid ofbeing “TOO free,” with no rigid rules & restrictions & escape mechanisms for “fatal mistakes.” We’re afraid of the “EMPTY VOID” of our life post-trauma & post-suicide-planning. We filled it with the disorder before; now we must face it.

What will be difficult about giving up bulimia?

 

Facing the reality of our life: lost hopes, awful trauma, trails of destruction, a damaged body & mind, a limited future, a limited present. We have to EXIST now; we HAVE to BE A PERSON, with a past & a personality, who others can reach. That IS SCARY, post-trauma. But we still have SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. We must be brave, and start to.

What do I look forward to in giving it up?

 

Ideally? A return of our creativity, and of its prolific output. We’ll have the TIME & ABILITY to imagine things again. We want to re-learn how to draw & write music. We want to publish books & join an orchestra again. We want to be PART OF OUR BLOOD FAMILY AGAIN. We don’t want to be sinfully oppressed & ruled by food anymore. Being TRULY HUMAN is MORE than the body!!

What are my expectations upon completion of the COPE program?

 

I expect to have TOOLS & SKILLS to manage stress & overwhelming emotions; to better understand & apply proper nutrition & meal planning; to find & untangle the ROOTS of ALL our disordered behavior compulsions/ addictive tendencies BY clarifying our core beliefs & values, thought distortions, etc.; to develop a healthier body image; & to get my life back on track!!


Self-image notes:

 + I DON’T IDENTIFY WITH THE BODY. I AM NOT THIS BODY, (and never was) BUT the “bigger” it gets, the MORE I am smothered by it!! (at least, that’s how I feel.) It’s like the body has an “inherent” personality & attitude of its own, defined by size & shape & weight, and THAT “fake self” WILL “devour ME” if it gets too big/ heavy/ fat. It’s like I see the body as an abuser, that I “must suppress” via starvation in order to protect my SELF??



Notes on denial:

"Denial is a BUFFER against UNACCEPTABLE reality." = Just like dissociation & splitting; they ALL seem to often occur together?? (Because of TRAUMA!!!)

1) SIMPLE DENIAL = "saying something is not, when it is." DIFFERENT FROM RATIONALIZING!! That would say, "yes, I'm restricting, BUT THERE'S A GOOD REASON..."

2) MINIMIZING = "seeing only a 'little' problem." ALSO NOT RATIONALIZING!! You GENUINELY see it as THAT MINOR.

^ These two involve SKEWED DEFINITION that REDEFINE the COMMON FACTUAL REALITY?

3) HOSTILITY = "angry when problem is mentioned." IT'S ANGER AT OWN SELF and/or at the DENIED REALITY that is THROWN OUTWARDS!!

4) BLAMING = "denying responsibility for behavior, projecting it elsewhere." = NO SELF-CONTROL. This ALSO shows up subtly in asking "are YOU angry with ME?" "Am I in YOUR way?" etc. "Polite" questions that are masking an accusation, sometimes hidden to self.

5) RATIONALIZING = "offering alibis and excuses to justify behaviors." Terribly common with us: "I'm eating this much because that's what they had me do at COPE/ it's what the doctor told me I should do/ etc."

6) INTELLECTUALIZING = "avoiding emotional or personal awareness of the problem by dealing with it very generally or theoretically." I do this ALL THE TIME. It ERASES "SELF" FROM THE EQUATION.

7) DIVERSION = "changing the subject." Grandma/ mom did this JARRINGLY; they wouldn't even say "let's not talk about that;" they'd just CHANGE THE TOPIC ABRUPTLY. 


"Denial is the act of saying 'no,' a coping mechanism the mind uses against disturbing feelings & thoughts." = TRAUMA RELEVANCE = if I COULDN'T say "no" THEN, then I'll say it NOW, THROUGH DENIAL!!!
SAME WITH ADDICTION: if you feel UNABLE to say "no", but WANT to, THAT comes out through DENIAL, too!
"I didn't WANT it to happen/ I can't ACCEPT that it happened/ the REALITY is intolerable" = CAUSES DENIAL!!


How do you recognize your own denial, according to these examples?

1) SIMPLE DENIAL: "I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM"; "THERE ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG"; "I FEEL FINE"; "I DON'T MIND"; "I HAVE NO PREFERENCE"; etc. Instinctive "rejection" of an "unacceptable" or "shameful" TRUTH that I WILL NOT RECOGNIZE AS TRUE OR VALID. Typically happens when I'm scared, anxious, disturbed, triggered, etc., AND when MY wants/ needs/ thoughts are "in opposition" or "offensive" to someone else's. It's a way of trying to be HEALTHY & ACCEPTABLE & FLAWLESS by outright DENYING all struggle & flaws & selfish behavior. It's an attempt to ACTIVELY REWRITE my perspective. "I don't have any questions"; "It doesn't matter"; "I'm not worried about it"; etc.

2) MINIMIZING: "I just like things to be neat & organized & clean" = but FREAKING OUT if I don't have an EXACT even number of objects, if ONE crumb hits the floor, if I can't fit ALL the books into clear categories, etc. I couldn't see the CONTROL OBSESSION & PERFECTIONISM. Things had to be METICULOUS & CALCULATED. / + "I'm not that creative/ not very talented" = when I LITERALLY have ~60 ACTIVE IDEAS, hundreds of Moralimon, several music albums in the works, a growing portfolio, and probably THOUSANDS of journal pages. / "I only need to lose a little more weight" = when it's NEVER enough, and I want it to KEEP GETTING LOWER / "It wasn't that bad of a binge" = 6 hours and several salad bowls later...

3) BLAMING: Wanting someone to move/leave and asking, "Am I in your way?" or "Do you need me to move?" etc. ALSO putting "responsibility" for the E.D. on MOM & TBAS & MEL?? The key point was my CLAIMED INABILITY TO RESIST "their orders/ expectations/ examples"? Saying things like "mom is a foodie SO now I'm addicted to food," "I can't stop eating because I'm trying to make mom happy"; "I purged because TBAS made me so upset/ disturbed"; "Mel wouldn't let me eat so now I'm overcompensating"?? In general, phrases like: "her behavior MADE me so angry"; "I wouldn't have said that if SHE hadn't upset me so much"; "she MADE me overeat/ purge"; "it's HER fault I have a disorder"??

4) RATIONALIZING: "LEARNED" behavior?? "You'd better have a good reason/ excuse OR you're gonna get PHYSICALLY BEATEN" terror. Also MORAL PANIC over "uncontrollable sins/ addiction"; desperately trying to find a "LOOPHOLE" that will give me SOME HOPE "that I WASN'T damned already." Justification sought to GIVE SOME SENSE OF "CHOICE" & "REASON" to an impulsive/ compulsive irrational behavior? "Yes I binged BUT it's because I was too shaken up by trauma to cope AND I know PURGING "HELPS""; "Yes I'm restricting but it's SELF-MORTIFICATION"; "Yes I keep wasting money & time on binges BUT I "don't DESERVE" to have money or time"? "Yes I'm hurting myself with this but I WANT TO DIE ANYWAY." Ironically excuses are DESPERATE & FEEBLE; they're "grasped at" so they don't hold water.

5) INTELLECTUALIZING: This ALWAYS seems to happen when workbooks ask us to "write ABOUT the disorder," or "TO it." We have nousfoni DEDICATED to this, honestly, because it REQUIRES A 3RD PERSON PERSPECTIVE! So it's held at a DISTANCE. Treating nutrition as a "MATH PROBLEM", and recovery just as "actions to be performed"; REMOVING ALL EMOTION from the problems & processes; "learning" but never APPLYING. This form of denial DENIES AWARENESS when it's intolerable/ unacceptable? It's a FORM OF DEPERSONALIZATION. It STRONGLY PREVENTS RECOVERY because it MAKES "RECOVERY" AND "ILLNESS" IMPERSONAL. We CAN'T mourn or ache or fight OR hope or grow or understand IF WE KEEP REMOVING "SELF" FROM THE SITUATION!!

6) DIVERSION: I've done this in the past, when up the house & trying to "divert attention" away from what I was doing when I'd be looking for & pilfering food to binge on. To prevent interrogation I'd start talking FIRST about something tangentially related TO food, asking THEM random questions instead. This overlapped with rationalizing, because I'd also be giving invented "reasons" as to why/what I was doing with food. But even if mom hinted "I hope you kept that meal down...?" I'd NEVER directly reply, being unwilling to either lie OR admit; SO instead I'd comment ABOUT the meal, asking something "intensive" like "what spices did you add to that? I thought I tasted cinnamon" or "Did you use a recipe or did you invent that? Because I know how creative you are..." to DIVERT THEIR THOUGHTS to THEMSELVES!!

7) HOSTILITY: Unfortunately this appears to be my DEFAULT when confronted? It appears to be a VIOLENT "THROWING OUTWARDS" of the intense self-hatred & despair & frustration I feel ABOUT what I'm denying; being confronted "UNBURIES" it, and the ANGER is an UNJUSTIFIED RESPONSE to "FEELING ATTACKED/ THREATENED" by that confrontation-- it feel like a weapon wielded by their words. We want so badly TO deny & hide/run from it, BECAUSE it's scary & painful, that when we're "PREVENTED" from "being safe" in that shallow sense, we BITE BACK. It's a FEAR response, even moreso than anger-- but we CAN'T run, so we FIGHT. Still, the self-hatred is the SAME ROOT AS THIS-- feeling like our OWN "ineptitude/ weakness" is preventing recovery, and using hostility to ironically try to "REMOVE THE THREAT-OBSTACLE-OFFENDER" of ourself. It's doomed to fail.

There are five stages to the grieving process... think back to a time of grief/loss in your life, and describe your experience, identifying how you were in DENIAL (OF LOSS).

1) DENIAL STAGE: + With grandma: = still talking about her in present tense; buying/ doing things for her? Unconsciously, expecting to wake up with her in the OLD bedroom; having frequent dreams about her.
+ With SLC & CNC = "We were never really friends"; "I didn't actually want to go"; DISSOCIATING?
In general I "FORGET" the REALITY of WHAT "WAS" BEFORE THE LOSS. This is NOT CONSCIOUSLY DONE and is VERY DISTURBING. It's like, "if I didn't HAVE anything to lose, I MUST be fine!!" IT'S LETHAL.
ALSO: "I don't remember anything" when deep down I DID but COULD NOT ACCEPT IT AS REAL, BECAUSE IT WAS A LOSS!!! So yes I WAS in denial, yet I COULDN'T FUNCTION because subconsciously I WAS STILL GUTTED. 

2) ANGER STAGE: TURNED INWARDS? "If I hadn't moved out, she wouldn't have died"; "I shouldn't have gone to that damn emergency room"; "Why didn't I spend more time WITH her??" Angry at my STUPID SELFISH IGNORANCE. But... angry that she "left" WITHOUT "letting me say goodbye"?
+ CNC/SLC = "WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO ME" "DIDN'T THEY CARE" "COULDN'T THEY SEE I WAS SUFFERING" "WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT" "THEY TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY FAMILY" "THEY RUINED ME IRREPARABLY"

3) BARGAINING STAGE: "God please let me die so I can finally be with her again"; "I'll gladly give up everything I have if I can just go back to being a kid again"-- WITH HER AND UNABUSED!!!
+ BARGAINED WITH TBAS??? Twitter chat "I still think I love you somehow; please give me another chance; I know I was an ass; I'll be better next time" AND with Q when he met Mel?? "I'll do whatever you tell me to; just please let us stay friends; I'll change myself to your liking just don't leave" AND debating this with Mel too? But never acted on. "I'll do ANYTHING; please let me back into your life" EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T "WANT" TO!!!!!

4) DEPRESSION STAGE: With grandma = I gave in to the eating disorder. First week or two I felt UNBEARABLE GRIEF; then derealized & perpetuated that sense of "unconsciousness" through binge-purge self-destruction. Guilt was SO INTENSE I never stopped contemplating death & the eating disorder was a kind of slow suicide. I never wanted to wake up; I was numb & hollow.
+ With CNC/SLC = I haven't let myself truly mourn the trauma yet? I haven't been able to fully, directly admit WHAT I lost... let alone how.

5) ACCEPTANCE STAGE: I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED THIS AT ALL YET.


Give an example of each of the four main ways people deny, identifying how you may be doing so presently.

1) REFUSE TO BELIEVE REALITY = Bodies are DESIGNED to NEED FOOD in PROPER AMOUNTS. I keep denying mine needs food at ALL (restricting), AND denying the PURPOSE of food AS NUTRITION (bingeing), NOT "garbage" or "unneccessary" or "prison" (purging)?

2) DENY/MINIMIZE GRAVITY OF LOSS = The eating disorder has taken over my life "but there wasn't any "life" to lose"; BECAUSE I ALSO keep denying HOW SHAKEN & WRECKED I STILL AM POST-TRAUMA!!! That loss was HUGE but I keep denying that??? "I'm just making a stupid fuss over nothing" NO DUDE, THAT WAS LEGIT TERRIFYING TO "LIVE" THROUGH.

3) DENYING ANY FEELINGS ABOUT THE LOSS = See previous answer. I'm NUMB, JUST TO SURVIVE. The feelings are THAT AWFUL.

4) MENTAL AVOIDANCE = I WON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT.


List five types of feelings a person in denial may experience.

1) ANGER; trapped in pain & feeling helpless
2) ANXIETY; haunted by unresolved distress
3) DEPRESSION; grief unprocessed & buried
4) NUMBNESS; you can't/ don't want to feel emotions
5) BEING "LOST"; you're cut off from reality and identity


List the evidence that you've heard substantiating/proving that you have an eating disorder.

+ BRADYCARDIA & HYPOTENSION. Drops to HIGH 30s when I try to sleep; it's TERRIFYING!
+ LEGIT OSTEOPOROSIS ONSET. Had a DEXA scan done & our bones are upsettingly porous
+ The state of my bank account & ALL THE RECEIPTS I'VE KEPT. That's PROOF of binge behavior.
+ LOW ELECTROLYTES & DEHYDRATION, almost chronically, from all the purging; MANY ER visits
+ People who saw my body thought I had cancer. THAT'S how APPARENTLY EMACIATED I was!!

Do you believe it?
If not, what would it take to convince you?

 
...It's still split. That's insane, but true. On one hand I KNOW my life is screwed up & wrecked by this behavior and I'm SICK OF BEING SICK and I don't EVER want to binge or purge EVER AGAIN.
...but. I STILL VERY MUCH WANT TO RESTRICT. I'm PLANNING to, even NOW, 6 WEEKS INTO TREATMENT!!! I just don't want to eat. I'm tired. It's exhausting & painful. And I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS "CHUNKY." If I can't turn myself into a TANK I'm probably gonna get desperate & go BACK towards being a TWIG.
As for convincing... well, right now a BIG part of me BELIEVES that eating minimally, by restricting BOTH intake & variety & time, is the VIRTUOUS IDEAL and If I DO that, I'LL BE "GOOD," or at least "NOT A GLUTTONOUS WHORE." ... Which is still a core fear as well.


On a scale of 0 to 5, how motivated are you to get well and follow treatment?

I'd say about 3.7. BUT I WANT TO BE A 5!!!


prismaticbleed: (worried)


The bulimia-trigger of "sensory deprivation"-- which I'm experiencing right now-- is MORE COMPLEX than we realized. I feel:
+ EXHAUSTED mentally; barely any strength to read. Writing is a bit easier as it mandates depersonalization & allows some relief,but the very act of writing/ penmanship tires me out. Typing is best; it's minimal effort AND allows for realtime emotion expression & processing (writing does NOT; it's too slow & arduous-- although SOME nousfoni CAN & DO speak through it.)
+ FRUSTRATED at "no non-exhausting" options at hand for mental destressing/ positivity; it's ALL writing & reading
+ LOST at the dearth of options, unfamiliar environment, inability TO do anything on own?
+ UPSET at "negativity focus" of groups; talking about anger, and how we experience it-- made me feel wrong & dirty to remember/ speak
+ ANGRY at "secular psychology" & people resisting treatment in little ways (externalized guilt/ shame) like fidgeting & refusing foods?
+ UNCOMFORTABLE with heat, sweater/ pants texture & mugginess, body illness & discomfort
+ SCARED at "interim" feeling; "no direction"-- want to do concrete future planning, but head too exhausted? Also scared of sick feelings.
And I'm wondering, how to cope in realtime? What helps or doesn't?
+ Cold, smooth tabletop on bare arms is INSTANTLY soothing; reminds me of Saint John's church
+ "Lightly scratching" my hands with the mechanical pencil tip (not lead) is very soothing too, & helps diminish emotional intensity
+ SELF TO SELF CONTACT (rubbing hands, fingers, nail scratching, hair pulls, etc.) MAKE IT WORSE!!! ALL MY WORST TRAUMA IS BODY-BASED, so when I'm in emotional distress, ANY & ALL "physical contact" is SCARY, DISTURBING, & THREATENING.
+ Weirdly, my brain ACTUALLY seems to want PUZZLES?? Certain kinds, specifically!! They would need to be "active" & fully "engageable"? Like, jigsaw puzzles feel "too slow," like writing, & word searches require too much "thought labor" when I'm this distressed. BUT my brain is gravitating towards certain VIDEO GAMES? Ones with STRUCTURE & PUZZLE-SOLVING & FORWARD MOVEMENT? Like Klonoa, Sonic, Zelda, AND the old Math/ Reading Blasters??? It's fascinating. Old school "sidescrollers" do appeal to this, conceptually. Try stuff out-- we HAVE emulators on our phone, which can INSTANTLY start a game without booting up!
+ No idea if movies would help, as they're NON-ENGAGING. They don't seem prudent for DISTRESS coping.
+ Instant mood boost: SCENTS. Nice soaps, spices, peppermint, etc. can ALL soothe my mind; just USE OUR OWN, the ones we KNOW are nice-- no store gambling! (We should get a few wax cubes?) Be prudent; don't hoard. ONLY get the BEST.



prismaticbleed: (worried)

FORGIVENESS

To LET GO of ANGER, consider its EMOTION URGES??
"I was attacked/ hurt/ insulted/ threatened"
"My integrity and/or status has been damaged"
"My goals/ desires were blocked and/or prevented"
ANGER IS NOT EFFECTIVE FOR FORGIVENESS, SO...
- DO SOMETHING KIND & NICE FOR THEM (SAYS JESUS!!)
- IMAGINE THEIR PERSPECTIVE COMPASSIONATELY
- GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

TBAS did not meet my admitted expectations for a friend, especially not one I "loved"?
I RESENTED
I was ANGRY
I GRIEVED
They "failed" to express love in a way I understood; they "failed" to show concerned compassion for my illness (the eating disorder).

BENEFITS OF FORGIVING:
finally free my heart/ mind from resentment/ anger/ bitterness/ grief/ fear/ etc. and be ABLE TO LOVE AGAIN. also, it's PROPER CHRISTIANITY! I don't want to have a grudge! I want to be HONESTLY COMPASSIONATE & MERCIFUL. I want to see them as PEOPLE again, that I CAN LOVE.

DIFFICULTIES TO FORGIVING: it feels like I'm ERASING THE TRAUMATIC REALITY and INVALIDATING MY PAIN/ FEAR/ DAMAGE. Forgiving them FEELS like saying "yeah, they did this TERRIBLE thing that was VERY WRONG, but it's okay! I'm over it! I don't hold them accountable; let's put all that behind us!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WISE MIND

"Our thoughts & behaviors are often impacted by our state of mind. At times, we become stuck in a mindset that causes us to be impulsive, acting on urges without factoring in the consequences to our behaviors. We can also get so stuck in our mindset that we don't allow ourselves to develop new insight about situations we may find ourselves in..."

The "GETTING STUCK" concept is SCARILY APPLICABLE to System DYSfunction!!
When "STUCK DOWNSTAIRS" (no internal communication), we ALSO "get stuck" in EITHER EMOTIONAL OR RATIONAL MIND. Typically the latter "activates" abruptly as a "forced stop" for the former, in an extreme shift. "overload" vs "shutdown."
this can ONLY be prevented/ fixed by GOING UPSTAIRS, OR by having someone "COME DOWN"/ reach down/ GHOST.
HANDWRITING/ VOICE BREAKTHROUGHS ALSO allow for a change, BUT it typically TAKES A CRISIS to trigger them. That's a mixed blessing for sure.

Hyper-reasonable mind is PLAGUE/ ICE.
It likes to use "should/ shouldn't" & "proper/ improper"? SHAMES emotions AND personality. invalidates values??? can be callous. treats life as mechanical; body as robotic. "rules to follow" & "expectations to meet." productivity, "effectiveness." longterm focus? dehumanizing?? "your opinion doesn't matter"
Hyper-emotion mind is TAR/ FIRE.
likes to use "have to/ cannot" & "always/ never"? extremely agitated; "facts" invalidated & mutated by distorted beliefs. focused on NOW, but ruled by past/ future fears. no control or patience. feels in EXTREMES. notably it can be both HIGH (manic, hyper) & LOW (hollow, despair)
The middle ground, "wise mind," is what we have through SPECTRUM COMMUNICATION/ COOPERATION.
NEVER INVALIDATES; IMPARTIAL COMPASSION. Respects AND critiques BOTH extremes; goal is to UNITE/ HARMONIZE; NOT "COMPROMISE"!!! All needs are considered & taken into VALID account. Values past, present, AND future; inside AND outside; us AND them; etc. WITH INTEGRITY!!!

Think about a time when you were stuck in reasonable mind. How did being stuck impact your thoughts and behaviors?

It kicks in whenever I "resist reality" due to trauma fear. It shuts down & shames my emotions/ reactions; "you're being foolish"; "you're overreacting"; "you're only doing this for pity/ drama/ attention"? Tells me to "put up with it" and do what is "expected/ normal." REJECTS past. My thoughts & emotions flatten. My behaviors become catatonic & mechanized, based on "orders" & "imitation." I lose the ability to have/ express opinions, values, ideas, etc. Stripped down to gears.

How would this hyper-reasonable situation have been different if you had used wise mind?

Wise mind ACKNOWLEDGES & VALIDATES trauma responses to triggers, as being normal & understandable survival/ coping mechanisms, meant to protect us from/ prevent further danger & damage. But it ALSO can PROPERLY DISCERN whether or not that fear is ACTUALLY APPLICABLE to the current situation/ trigger. If so, it effectively & respectfully gets us TO a safe place. If not, it comforts & reassures us, assuaging fears. In ALL cases it ACTS WITH COMPASSION, CLARITY, INTEGRITY, & CARE.

Think about a time when you were stuck in emotional mind. How did being stuck impact your thoughts and behaviors?

It kicks in almost instinctively when I'm triggered by trauma-- especially with the body as of late. It catastrophizes, seeing utter doom & despair as the only possible outcomes. It is INCAPABLE of coping because it feels SUCH SCREAMING INTENSITY that "coping" seems not only impossible but suicidal. It is convinced that our life is in imminent, fatal danger, and reacts desperately, with panicked sobs and frantic grasping at any "way out" it can find. Ironically, it typically IS suicidal-- and if not, it's violent. It either runs away, or attacks.

How would this hyper-emotional situation have been different if you had used wise mind?

Adding on to the previous: Wise Mind CAN be patient, because it FIRMLY BELIEVES THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, and it ACTIVELY works TO find it in ALL crises. It KNOWS we CAN cope, and it knows HOW. It understands emotion, and CAN EMPATHIZE, so it DOESN'T DISMISS them-- but it can ALSO SEE THE FACTS AND THE WHOLE/ BIG PICTURE, even AS it tends carefully TO the details. Again, "wise mind" IS NOT "COOL" or even "DETACHED"-- it gets elbow-deep INTO the hurt WITH our aching pieces, to gently but powerfully HELP THEM OUT OF IT.


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EMOTIONS

What emotions (from the list) have you recently felt?

Trauma: LOTS of fear. Disgust & sadness at body shape change. Anger at weight gain. Guilt at not being as kind as I should, or wish to be. Shame at bad manners & body shape. Happiness at Bible study. Love for the blue guy. No jealousy or envy? Thank God!!

Are there certain emotions that you have difficulty experiencing?

Love, because of trauma. Happiness, because of mania. Anger, because it's so VIOLENT. Disgust, because it's so VISCERAL. Sadness, because it's so DEEP. Shame & guilt are both OVERWHELMINGLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE (THAT is seen as repair/ appeasement)! I'm scared of envy & jealousy because they're entitled & possessive. Practicing gratitude & acceptance helps keep them away.

What do you find difficult about experiencing certain emotions?

They feel SICK & UGLY & WRONG, which is upsetting NOW that I can SEE the PURPOSES of those emotions! They just disrupt peace, and they're OVERWHELMING. But I need to reflect on them more. They all exist for some intended good, even if they're clumsy & misguided. It's up to me, WITH GOD'S HELP, to gently redirect them for GOOD!!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACCEPTANCE

★ REJECTION/ REFUSAL ARE GRAVE SINS!!!

+ All the events in your life have led up to now, and THIS moment IS leading into others; so BE here for them all! This present moment is the result of a million others moments, and God has guided ALL of them rightly! He's doing the same for this one!
+ Changing reality means first accepting it, as it IS right now!! (RESHIRAM) Always say, "THY WILL BE DONE!"
+ Pain cannot be avoided. THE CROSS IS ETERNAL & UNIVERSAL.
+ Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering = DISMAS VS GESTAS!!
+ The present moment is perfect, even if you don't like what's happening. TRUST IN GOD! BE GRATEFUL for His Good plans even if you can't see them!
+ Everyone has limitations to the future, but we must only "accept" realistic limitations. When they DON'T apply, you have REALISTIC POSSIBILITY!
+ Everything has a cause, even if it generates pain & suffering. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." Even pain has purpose. "Though he slay me, I STILL HOPE IN HIM."
+ Life is worth living, even with painful events in it! There will be pain, but there will also be good times, and they are always worth the struggle. The Cross is the ONLY path to the Resurrection!!


prismaticbleed: (Default)


pre-breakfast//

Today, for love of my family-- and especially my poor confused brother-- I am courageously choosing to have a MEGA CHALLENGE BREAKFAST: including green tea w/ honey, apple jelly, a banana, and... CHOCOLATE MILK. God, give me YOUR strength, through faithful trust in YOUR ability AND Will to (please) use this effort for the good of my soul AND those of my family!!



post-breakfast//

We have an UNEXPECTED PROBLEM. Literally EVERYTHING in the actual meal was GOOD-- yes, I EVEN ENJOYED the banana AND the milk (only the slightest "nausea/ nerves" response)!!-- BUT. I'm feeling a HATRED RESPONSE to the JELLY & HONEY??? And God knows I TRIED to like them... but I think the true problem is, I tried TOO hard to taste them. I ate half of them FROM the containers. So there's SHAME & GUILT over that, of course. BUT REALLY, I JUST DON'T WANT TO EAT JELLY OR HONEY. I like PLAIN & SAVORY foods-- sugary stuff, like those condiments are, only nauseate me. IS THAT BAD?? Is it considered "avoidant eating" if I honestly just don't enjoy them at ALL? Is that a SIN?? I honestly can't tell, and I think THAT'S why I'm miserable: I tasted AND ate them ALL, and they "WEREN'T BAD," BUT I'd still never choose them as a "like." They're just "not for me." AND SOMEHOW I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT. I "didn't ENJOY them enough" and now I "HATE" them for "PREVENTING ME FROM HEALING"???? I look at the honey & think, "I WANT to like it, but when I tasted it, it triggered MEMORIES OF ANXIETY & DREAD; furthermore the taste itself has NO POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS, so NOW I have to eat it AGAIN and pray for healing THEN-- but NOW, it just WRECKED this "healing meal" by introducing a NEW and EXHAUSTING, SCARY-SUGAR BURDEN, and I'm so tired of unexpected new terror foods. So I "HATE IT" for "hurting me" and "spitefully putting ANOTHER obstacle in my way of recovery." I tried to like it, but didn't, and deep down I feel broken & dirty & wrong now, DESPITE ACTUALLY making MOMENTOUS healing progress on the banana & milk. I feel FORCED to "LIKE EVERYTHING" and I just want the freedom TO "NOT LIKE" THINGS. I look at the jelly and I remember bingeing on it at home to GET RID OF IT because I "HATED" IT EVEN THEN. Except... I didn't?? I DON'T hate it. I just DON'T LIKE IT either. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? I mean, yeah I DO "like" jelly AS A CONCEPT?? I LIKE cherries & grapes & apricots & apples & strawberries & oranges & peaches & blueberries/ raspberries/ blackberries & quince & ALL the fruits they make jelly & jam & marmalade from-- heck, I even like pineapple, deep down-- AND I like the texture it often has-- like a gel-- BUT!!!! I DON'T LIKE HOW HYPERSWEET IT IS. And I REALLY DON'T LIKE that you HAVE to "put it ON things," thus FORCING THEM TO BE SUGAR-SMOTHERED, & RUINING their essential taste/ texture! BUT WHY DO I FEEL OBLIGATED/ COMPELLED TO "taste" jellies IN THE FIRST PLACE??? Is it just because they LOOK lovely, all shiny clear & colorful in those glass jars, and thus I feel that they MUST TASTE AS NICE, but they DON'T, and the dissonance is IRRECONCILABLE so I now "MUST FORCE HARMONY" by "MAKING MYSELF ENJOY THEM"??? Otherwise, I'M A HYPOCRITE, and "don't REALLY like how they LOOK, then"??? And therefore I "CANNOT" like colorful, shiny, clear pretty glass things EITHER, "BECAUSE they look LIKE jelly, BUT YOU DON'T LIKE JELLY, SO MAKE UP YOUR TWO-FACED MIND!!!" IT'S TOTAL HELL. It TORMENTS me. AND it is OBVIOUS TRAUMA TALK!!!! In the end, I AM "NOT ALLOWED TO REFUSE THINGS OR SET BOUNDARIES!!!" It's EXACTLY what the last page in the previous journal was saying about Iscah & "Jessica"-- BOTH of them FORCE jelly consumption, compulsively trying ALL kinds "UNTIL THEY LIKE THEM," SO THEY CAN PLEASE/ NOT OFFEND/ UNDERSTAND/ "BECOME" EVERYBODY... except themselves.
+ All right, I NEED to forgive ALL parties & return to a PEACEFUL, COMPASSIONATE, MERCIFUL/ ACCEPTING state of heart. I need to LET GO of this resentment, ALLOW myself to NOT force jelly, and NOT HATE IT because it feels OBLIGATORY & UNLOVING. I'm tired of feeling bitter & miserable. Jesus, please help me. Only You can soothe my disturbed heart & mind; ONLY You can give TRUE Peace; ONLY YOU can TRULY show me & teach me the RIGHT thing to do here, the thing that will HONOR & PLEASE GOD, NOT SOME ARBITRARY CONDEMNATORY AUDIENCE/ ABUSER. ...Honestly? Weirdly, I'm SCARED to accept it as true, but my IMMEDIATE impression is that, NO, eating the jelly WILL NOT HONOR GOD, because I'm doing it FROM compulsive forcing fear, NOT for nutrition, EVEN THOUGH I'm "trying to like it FOR Mom & Jade & Grandma." Then I hear: "You DON'T have to "prove your love for them" by eating jelly!" "It has NOTHING to do with your sincerity of love BECAUSE it DOES NOT/ CANNOT DO ANYTHING for the GOOD OF THEIR SOUL"??? It's FEAR-BASED: "if THEY like it, then I MUST like it IF I TRULY like them!!" Hypocrisy terror. BUT!!! "THEY ARE NOT FOOD!!! The TRUE essence of who they are HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHETHER OR NOT THEY "LIKE JELLY" IN THIS LIFE!!!" So in the BIG picture, it shouldn't/ doesn't matter? BUT MY MOTIVES DO, don't they??? If I'm ONLY eating it TO love them more by "entering into THEIR unique personality/ life experience" in a small way, then wouldn't REFUSING to try & LEARN to like it be MORAL COWARDICE/ COLDHEARTEDNESS??? And DO I LIKE IT, TRUTHFULLY, ALREADY?? I can't tell. God I CAN'T TELL, because I DON'T KNOW WHAT "LIKES" ARE "MINE" AND WHICH ARE JUST "OBLIGATORY/ ABSORBED" BECAUSE "I MUST LIKE EVERYTHING, EVER." I don't know what's REALLY "me" and what's just FORCED/ IMITATIVE.
EATING SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ABOUT PERSONAL OPINION-- THAT'S DISORDERED BEHAVIOR TOO!! "It's NOT about "what you WANT-- it's about what you NEED TO DO!!... You HAVE to just ADJUST." (Thanks Hannah!!)
+ A further observation... "if your right hand causes you to sin, CUT IT OFF." Right now, eating the honey & jelly WITH this "resistant/ resentful" mindset, FORCING it for "likes/ imitation" and NOT for nutrition, IS SINFUL!!! FURTHERMORE, here I am, "trying to please my mom/ forgive my sibling" THROUGH eating the jelly & honey-- which makes NO LOGICAL OR MORAL SENSE-- BUT I'm doing so in a WAY that is OFFENSIVE & DISOBEDIENT & DISORDERED!!! Eating it right out of packets & jars, licking knives & fingers, putting it on improper foods, etc. NOT ONLY DISREGARDS & BREAKS UNIT RULES, it is ALSO DISHONORABLE & EMBARRASSING TO MY FAMILY!!! So, UNLESS I can eat those foods PROPERLY, MODESTLY, PRUDENTLY, WILLINGLY, OBEDIENTLY, and WITHOUT COMPULSION OR PANICKED "MUSTS," I SHOULD NOT BE EATING IT AT ALL. Doing so in THAT horrendous mindset, FORCING it, CAN ONLY PERPETUATE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS/ ASSOCIATIONS AND REINFORCE THE RESULTING DISORDERED BEHAVIOR!!! Really, it's SELF-ABUSIVE. If I CANNOT choose to eat them FREELY; if I DON'T understand WHY I'm choosing them; if the choice, once made, STILL feels "WRONG"/ unhealthy/ improper EVEN if I'm trying to "MAKE" it right... then STOP!!! DON'T HURT YOUR BODY OR SOUL!!! Decisions MUST be made IN A PROPER MANNER, or they're not TRUE "decisions"-- they're ADDICTIONS & COMPULSIONS.



prismaticbleed: (worried)


STRATEGIES FOR INCORPORATING NEW FOODS

NOT FOR HEALING TRAUMA!!!

"FIVE TYPES OF GLUTTONY" FEAR. This emphasis on "variety" & "novelty" & "complexity" is giving me genuine moral unease. Isn't it more spiritually beneficial to eat PLAIN, SIMPLE, COMMON foods? At least, WITHOUT rejecting differences when CALLED TO in social situations or by authority??
BUT for everyday life, we SHOULDN'T be "trying to expand our palate" because that's just VAPID INDULGENCE, isn't it? I want to be HUMBLE & CONTENT with a SIMPLE diet!!

+ Adding spices/ condiments ONLY works for nutritive goals; it WORSENS BINGE TRIGGERS and CANNOT HEAL TRAUMA!! It also INCREASES process stress; it makes meals TOO complex/ exhausting
+ Sometimes food "forms" have wildly different responses. For example, chickpeas are scary, but CRUNCHY dried ones AREN'T so much?? This is because they have DIFFERENT MEMORY ROOTS!! The "traumabrain" literally sees them as ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FOODS.
+ DO NOT FORCE "NEW" WAYS OF PREPARING FOODS!! "Trying" all these unnecessary, complicated preps is FOOLISH-- bad for budget, time, AND spiritual simplicity!!
+ As far as "getting comfortable with new foods," DECONSTRUCTION is OUR DEFAULT! However, the book gives pizza as an example-- trying the crust alone, then the cheese, etc.-- and our problem is that PIZZA is its OWN UNIQUE EXPERIENCE, and so it DOESN'T REGISTER AS "cheese + bread + tomato"!!!!! Our brain sees them as COMPLETELY UNIQUE ITEMS, both in experience and history, like I mentioned previously!! Cheese & bread is okay. Cheese & sauce is okay. Bread & sauce is okay. But PIZZA IS NOT OKAY. PIZZA HAS ITS OWN TRAUMA & MEMORY ANCHORS, UNIQUELY AS PIZZA!!! In theory, this could ALSO happen with the ingredient pairs-- plain bread is terrifying, but adding the cheese makes it safe, BECAUSE OF MEMORY ASSOCIATIONS (notably childhood grilled cheese with grandma). That's how freaking specific our brain is.

★ "You may be comfortable with one version of a food but not another" = I get this SO distinctly-- even temperature differences can make something register as a "different" food!! Ironically, (as the example shows the opposite) I've grown to be comfortable with raw apples (crunchy!) but NOT applesauce yet? Our problem is that our food aversions are BASED ON VERY SPECIFIC MEMORY/ TRAUMA ASSOCIATIONS!! It's typically NOT "dislike" of a taste, it's "dislike" of what that taste REMINDS us of, usually VERY STRONGLY-- trauma foods can trigger legit physiological flashbacks! So, I could eat ALL the raw carrots I want-- COOKED carrots are still scary, and FROZEN "striped" carrots are a TRAUMA FOOD. Raw carrots CANNOT touch that, because THEY were never associated to THOSE distinct events!! So it CAN'T be "eased into" this way. Each version is DISTINCT for a REASON. Blurring this would destroy us psychologically.
★ "Adding spice" & "Switching the prep" = These will only COMPOUND THE PROBLEM if I'm not careful! I can get "addicted" to condiments, AND the "taste conflict" often makes it MORE stressful to eat. I NEED, personally, to eat foods as SOLO experiences, ESPECIALLY if they're new, so I CAN "understand" what I'm eating AND prevent "vibe/ association fusing/ muddling" from TOO much input? Like, yes, I enjoy BOTH broccoli and cheese, but TOGETHER would be nauseating & distressing because my brain would interpret the "fused data" as a WHOLE NEW FOOD, and I wouldn't be able to appreciate EITHER ingredient as its own distinct thing!!
+ Similarly, let's take zucchini. Raw, steamed, sauteed, grilled, AND seasoned zucchini ALL REGISTER AS "DIFFERENT FOODS" on some level IN ORDER TO PREVENT MENTAL "DATA MUD" DISTRESS. "Zucchini" becomes "GOOD OR BAD" depending on the prep prefix, associated with specific experiences, and making them "universal" would RUIN THE FOOD. I enjoy raw zucchini, BUT steamed zucchini has trauma ties, and grilled zucchini will make me want to throw up. I CANNOT infect the raw experience by "seeing them all as one food"!! "Switching it up" only overcomplicates things?
HOWEVER, I cannot be such a stubborn complainer. Look at the COPE meals! I CAN ACTUALLY EAT POTATOES for this SAME REASON. Yes, I'm still TERRIFIED of baked potatoes (trauma), BUT home fries are fine, and so are wedges, because they have DIFFERENT MEMORY ROOTS. The real point is NOT obligation to try ALL preparations!!! The point is finding at LEAST ONE WAY TO ACTUALLY, SAFELY EAT a food that IS scary in a DIFFERENT way!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FEAR OF CONSEQUENCES OF EATING

In terms of trauma fears concerning food, the LITERAL answer to "whether or not my trauma will come true" is-- thanks be to God-- ALWAYS NO!!! Eating grits & dinosaur oatmeal CANNOT turn me back into a sexslave!! Eating ramen & tortillas & pizza CANNOT trap me overnight in their apartment!! Eating pineapple & beets & Lunabars CANNOT send me back to SLC!! IT'S LITERALY IMPOSSIBLE.

Yes, the MEMORIES & FEARS ARE REAL, BUT THEIR THREAT TO OUR LIFE was ALWAYS SEPARATE FROM THE LITERAL FOOD; the food just happened to be eaten DURING that potentially fatal event/ time period!! THE FOOD ITSELF IS INCAPABLE OF "REINITIATING TRAUMA." It can therefore actually HELP US, by ALLOWING us to FACE THOSE FLASHBACKS SAFELY, and BY facing them, ADMIT/ UNTANGLE/ HEAL THEM AT LAST!!! God guide us!


ARFID-SUD SCALE

"personally determined hierarchy for food exposure in ARFID with concern about aversive consequences"

★ 60+ ACTIVELY REFUSING to try?
"50" is no action?
0-40 is actively willing to eat
60-100 is actively wanting to RUN


BASED ON CURRENT UPMC EXPERIENCE & THEORETICALLY APPLIED MEMORY.

0 = genuinely enjoy eating these.
eggs, oats, english muffins, broccoli, chicken, yogurt, grilled cheese

10 = want to eat it, a little hesitant
cherries, lettuce, berries, grapes, cucumbers, zucchini, apples, cauliflower, corn, soymilk, milk

20 = subtly nervous in eating
cantaloupe, pears, artichokes, cabbage, tomato, beets, lemons, apricot

30 = anxious, but don't want to be
pineapple, brussels sprouts, cranberries, cornmeal, grapefruit, spinach, asparagus, figs

40 = "it's scary, but I'll try it"
tilapia, collards, plantains, leeks, green peppers, bamboo shoots, pumpkin, plum, ice cream

50 = "I'm scared enough to be STUCK"
celery, prunes, pomegranate, scallions, endive, mushrooms

60 = feeling notable dread.
kale, eggplant, turnips, snow peas, rice, pretzels, guava, goji berries

70 = feeling intense fear.
sweet potato, roast beef, TVP, muesli, waffles, crackers

80 = legit panicking.
all beans, kiwi, swiss chard, onions, chia seeds, rice cakes, barley, tortillas, rice milk

90 = shaking terror.
dates, mango, papaya, watercress, starfruit, ham, walnuts, ramen

100 = "I CANNOT DO THIS." ACUTE "fear of death"!!!
chocolate milk, chocolate candy, pancakes, syrup, hummus, coconut, sesame seeds, grits, shrimp, smoothies

★ A NOTABLY DRAMATIC EXAMPLE/ ILLUSTRATION of this is CHOCOLATE MILK.
Before trying it-- AND both during & after the first try!!-- it was a screaming 10. I legit thought I was going to die. Try #2 was me just gulping it down. But I didn't die then either. Try #3, yeah I'm still scared, BUT now it's only a 6 at its worst. I'm WILLING to face it again; even though I'm feeling that dread, I'm not panicking. Subconsciously, NOW I KNOW it's not "as scary" as it once was, before exposure. And further courageous, willing, mindful exposures will ALSO further decrease that distress! So SEEING it happen in realtime via lists like this STRENGTHENS my hope & bravely encourages me to keep trying, until it hits 0!
AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION: EVEN if a food's DISTRESS RESPONSE is 0, I still might not "favor the flavor"! AND THAT'S OKAY!! I'm ALLOWED to have preferences-- AS LONG AS THEY ARE FREE FROM FEARS & JUDGMENTS. I'll probably never list chocolate milk as a "fave," BUT the goal is to be TOTALLY UNFAZED if I do have to drink it at some point-- not afraid, not angry, not hateful, only free.


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AVOIDANT EATING RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN

Ways that my eating has improved since the start of treatment:

+ Able to tolerate feelings of fullness without purging; decreasing anxiety over fullness
+ Decreasing "sickness/ poison/ allergy" fears; increased openness to new variety (baby steps)
+ Able to eat several foods I used to completely avoid/ fear; willing to face new ones
+ No longer terrified/ triggered by mess/ crumbs/ spills
+ Decrease in abnormal "completionist"/ OCD order & isolation behaviors; able to resist urges

Possible future triggers for relapse:

+ Too much talking/ noise around me/ being directly spoken to while eating, especially personal questions
+ Being forced to rush during meals, or having to eat in a hurry between appointments/ responsibilities
+ Despair/ depression/ anxiety/ guilt spikes; loss of coping methods or skill tools; family distancing
+ New disturbing experiences/ associations with foods, EVEN ones I enjoy/ have already healed
+ TRAUMA flashbacks/ reminders while eating, or before/ after eating (never really safe)

Red flags that I might be starting to relapse:

+ Abandoning/ decreasing self-care/ cleaning activities
+ Hyperrestricting types of foods eaten; repeating same meal over & over
+ Reluctance/ refusal to try new foods/ varieties; "throwing out" the rest if I do try it
+ Taking Benadryl before &/or after I eat; using laxatives; "flushing out" food with too much fluid
+ Overmixing, overspicing, and/or isolation of ingredients; "must eat every last tiny crumb"
+ "Pushing" unnecessary foods OR "undereating" to avoid fullness OR "try too hard" (NO SELF-RESPECT)

Techniques to continue or try on my own after treatment is completed:

+ Try at least one new food every week, working up to two; revisit things periodically
+ Utilize SMO time! Sit in couch & play Klonoa for an hour if that works!
+ DON'T re-omit old fear foods; be willing to regularly incorporate them into meals
+ Practice eating with utentils, in public, with background noise/ TV, and with family
+ Learn to eat foods AS COMBOS, not "one ingredient/ piece at a time", WITHOUT "forcing" combos compulsively/ unnaturally

Ways I'd like to continue to change my eating post-treatment:

+ Go to restaurants with family AND even alone; regularly eat WITH other people, esp. in public
+ Incorporate "complex" foods into my diet (things that must be cooked/ prepared extensively?)
+ Learn to bake things! Donate stuff to church bake sales, AND give to family & neighbors!
+ Get comfortable with eating "on the road," and at "unexpected times/ places" with minimal "plans"
+ Become able to cope with trauma symptoms & sensory overwhelm without relapsing, especially in public!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


SELF-MONITORING RECORD FOR AVOIDANT EATING


TIME = 100422 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = CHOCOLATE CAKE!! (with milk chocolate frosting)
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = TERRIFIED to see it! Upon tasting: "oh no, I like it??" Reminded me of mom's baking, & Easter chocolates! Tasted JUST like grandma's frostings.
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = Anxiety in stomach, body tense. No actual taste aversion! Slight "choking" fear, from the dense texture

TIME = 100422 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = Spaghetti, tomato sauce, parmesan cheese (I actually like the meatballs) = I DID avoid meat for YEARS, but my body ALWAYS craved it. I was immediately fond of these; they taste JUST like school memories of "hot lunches," and their texture is nice too. I actually look foward to them now!
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = "Isolating" cheese/sauce "for last" instead of eating together. SCARED of "humiliating" process of slurping/ dropping noodles. Cut them up small, chewed VERY slowly to avoid choking on them. Still anxious about the taste AND texture/ mouthfeel of the long noodles. Sauce is still a bit scary too? Fear of acidity, dislike of "cooked" flavor tone? Vague "sickness" memory fears of the parmesan (migraines). Felt "dirty" eating long noodles?? Associate them with ROT & spills from bad storage/ being mocked as a child for "being piggish"?
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = SOME disgust/ nausea over the noodle texture/ FEELING the "wormy" shape in my mouth, even when cut up. "Slurping" is TRAUMATIC in both the sensation & sound-- legit FRIGHTENED of "associated danger" from some past context?? Unidentified, but most likely SXABUSE!!!! Stomach upset from sauce; slight but notable; unease. Felt disheveled, wrong, upset after.

TIME = 100322 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = STRAWBERRY SUNDAE!! (a little one! in a cup!)
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = Legit almost skipped it. Determined to try anyway. One but in... "oh no. I LIKE IT!" Soft sweet PURE VANILLA ice cream! Wonderful smooth & creamy texture; NOT icy or watery or sticky! Lovely little "swirls" around the edges, so fun to eat. Felt like a happy kid. The strawberry sauce was VERY scary in concept, BUT I was SHOCKED that it ACTUALLY tasted like REAL STRAWBERRY! Not artificial! And it wasn't "sticky," just the tiniest bit. I even swirled some INTO the ice cream once I "got" the flavor. Honestly so grateful & surprised at how NICE the experience was. Thought of grandma.
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = Slight initial anxiety at "eating sugar" AND at "eating ICE CREAM" (old trauma/ binge food; fear of "sugar death"). Enjoyed the creamy texture, especially when starting to melt. Teeth hurt a little from the cold/ sweet but I didn't react negatively to it; just let it be. Anxiety/ nausea spike when trying the syrup, but soon assuaged by its LOVELY RED FLAVOR



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


prismaticbleed: (Default)



pre-breakfast//

OPEN YOUR EYES
OPEN YOUR MIND
OPEN YOUR HEART

BE COURAGEOUS!
GROWTH = CHANGE = RISK!
AND IT'S WORTH IT!!

FOOD IS MEDICINE!
REMEMBER: THE GOAL IS NUTRITION!
IN THAT REGARD, ALL THE CHOICES FOR EXCHANGES ARE RIGHT CHOICES!!

Try not to hyperseparate/ isolate foods!
Eat in a normal, common fashion, with good manners!
Use condiments modestly & properly!

CALM DOWN, DON'T RUSH, STAY PRESENT!!

float on!



post-breakfast//

A vital realization: the ONLY self-preserving way to deal w/ sensory dissonance IS FOR THE CORE TO BE PRISMATIC!!! Jay tried to be, but failed in that he ultimately held it as an overlay-- Like iridescence; a soap-bubble sheen-- maybe even like paint?? But he only "wore" colors; I don't think he ever held them, let alone as a harmoniously UNITED whole! He saw himself as the white light, but NOT as the defined colors that the "prism of plurality" "BROKE him into"? There was a notable degree of self-preservative fear, and understandably so-- HE'S the Core that ended up SELF-ANNIHILATING by trying to "be EVERY color AT ONCE," with NO distinction or self-respect, striving to "be everything" for TBAS in order to "survive" AND "for them to still 'love' me," but only succeeding at losing ALL self through the trauma of "surviving" events we COULD NOT EVER CONSCIOUSLY ENDURE. I'm sorry if this is a mess. The point I'm trying to make is: he held it incorrectly. For the Core to GENUINELY be Prismatic, they must be able to "BE" EACH DISTINCT HUE, INDIVIDUALLY AND DISTINCTLY-- not as an undistinguishable "fusion"-- from the HEART, with all understanding & empathy, TOTALLY, but WITHOUT "locking into it" & excluding other hues to the effect of understanding/ accepting them WITHIN that distinction?? It's being ALL hues in essence, but DISTINCTLY, AND without "identifying as" any single one? EVEN WHITE! A Prism has to embrace the WHOLE SPECTRUM as a reality of BOTH white light & a rainbow AT ONCE. It's hard to explain, but my heart gets it. Prisms flow. There's no "grasping" or "attachment"; there's no "partiality" ultimately. A Prism LOVINGLY KNOWS, UNDERSTANDS, LOVES, RESPECTS, ACCEPTS, EMBRACES, EXPERIENCES, & EMBODIES THE WHOLE AS A UNITY OF "DISTINCT" PARTS! Like the Body of Christ! THAT'S WHO we're MEANT to reflect & be a GENUINE INDIVIDUAL PART OF, after all! So, as to how this applies to the food: it doesn't require imitation OR "exclusive identification" with sensory data. When eating the omelet, I can just BE in the NOW with it, perceiving its unique qualities and GRATEFULLY embracing them AS IS, because in my heart I LOVE ALL COLORS, and can let them color my heart WITHOUT "TURNING INTO" them, staying a PRISMATIC "WHITE" BEYOND AND WITHIN ALL THOSE HUES!! So I can FLOW, WITHOUT JARRING OR HARD "SWITCHES" OR RESISTANT "DISSONANCE," from hue to hue, RESPECTING THEIR INTEGRITY and not getting "attached" to any single one! But honestly? There's a "SECRET WEAPON" that facilitates this victory over confusion, and it is this: FOCUS ON GOD, NOT "SELF"!! After all, our TRUE SELF IS IN GOD!! He doesn't erase individuality-- He created us EACH as a unique work of art, for His joy & honor & service! THEREFORE, in order TO EVEN BE A "SELF" IN TRUTH, our TOTAL EXISTENCE MUST BE GROUNDED IN HIM, AND DIRECTED TOWARDS HIM, by LIVING WITH HIM IN LOVE, all by HIS GRACE through Jesus Christ, the WORD WHO CREATED ALL THINGS. So when I eat, and taste & see & smell & feel, I MUST prayerfully SEEK TO RECOGNIZE THE "FACETS" OF HIM IN ALL OF IT-- He being the ULTIMATE Light, Christ the PRISM of CREATIVE DISTINCTION, Speaking the hues of life into reality, the Spirit allowing us TO recognize HIM in all of it. And if THAT cognition is my true focus, NOT MYSELF/ OURSELF, then there CANNOT be dissonance OR rejection/ dislike, because it is ALL HONORED & APPRECIATED AS TANGIBLY REFLECTING SOME UNIQUE FACET OF THE CREATOR. There's a deeply refreshing & joyful freedom to no longer feeling "survival panic" over trying to stubbornly  "resist all outside "infectious influence/ contamination" (trauma response) and preserve a "separate sense of self."" That was exhausting & miserable. It's ALSO anti-Biblical!! We are a COMMUNION of Saints, a NATION of believers, a PEOPLE set apart as sacred, to be UNITED as ONE BODY in Christ! Furthermore, "he that seeks to SAVE his [worldly] life WILL LOSE IT, but he that LOSES his [worldly] life FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST will SAVE it"-- AND "FIND IT" in the first place!! Egocentric behavior, EVEN "to survive," kills the soul. It's prioritizing BIOS over ZOE. In truth it is IMPOSSIBLE to "lose one's self" through "self-sacrifice," as paradoxical as that sounds, because the sacrifice we make of self IS AS ONE WITH THE SACRIFICE OF CHRIST, whose "death to the world" opened the doors of TRUE, ETERNAL LIFE, through a Self UNITED TO GOD! So, when we sacrifice OUR "selves," we are OFFERING our individual "egos" TO GOD, FOR HIS GLORY, WITH LOVE, and through that offering of our "worldly" desires & impulses, we can enter into a UNITIVE WHOLE in which our TRUE, UNDYING LIFE is AS ONE with ALL life, "loving our neighbor AS OURSELF" and loving GOD IN & BEYOND ALL. And that IS true freedom, unshackled from the animalistic survival/ desire drives of fallen nature through restoration of Grace in Christ's Cross willingly embraced & entered into. "Dying to the world" frees us from its weight, and allows us to live in the "Kingdom of Heaven" EVEN NOW, by instead dedicating our wills to the Spirit's guidance; thus our life in this body slowly but surely enters into eternity even before our literal death & full participation in it. BUT IT'S WHAT WE WERE CREATED TO BE ALL ALONG! "Worldliness" is a DISTORTION, an UNTRUTH! So don't be fooled by it-- don't get tangled & lost! Ask the Spirit for illumination, discernment, & guidance-- He WILL help you! And KEEP READING SCRIPTURE. Saturate your mind & thoughts & attention & very heart with God's Word, the TRUTH that CAN & WILL drown out the cacophanous noise of the world with its beautifully melodious song. Christ will give you His Peace, more & more, the closer you cling to Him. Seek His Face, ALWAYS. He is seeking you, too! He LOVES you. Go to Him; He WILL help you do ALL you need to do IN Love.
A VITAL REALIZATION ABOUT COLORS... the "exclusive"/ "dissonance" opposition problem we're having with "matching vibes" is actually ILLOGICAL and PROVEN FALSE at its root-- after all, how could I/we KNOW HOW/ WHY hues are different & unique, if I/we DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THEM AT ONCE??? Like, we CAN only distinguish/ discern IF we have COMPLETE/ ENTIRE KNOWLEDGE!!! If I didn't understand HOW Orange is different than Yellow, I COULDN'T EVEN SEE THEM AS DISTINCT!!! You see that blurring a LOT in natural language-- WITHOUT a distinctly definitive WORD for a hue, it CANNOT be defined AS a hue-- and that WORD ONLY can be given THROUGH distinct knowledge! Again, that's the WHOLE PROCESS of the 7 Days of Creation: God using WORDS to DISTINGUISH one distinct thing from another, DEFINING each, BUT only having the CAPACITY TO do so THROUGH MUTUALLY "KNOWING" BOTH. Yes, the THINGS are distinct, but the KNOWING of WHY is held AT ONCE, BY THE ONE. In summary: We don't/ can't "forget" OR "invalidate" one hue JUST because we ALSO know/ recognize a DIFFERENT one, SIMULTANEOUSLY.
+ Some quick notes about ACTUAL breakfast-- I think food order DOES count? Today we ate the raisins right after the omelet, and it gave us indigestion! Next time, eat the omelet last-- not as an old "best for last" compulsion (we shouldn't be partial; be grateful equally for every food), but because oatmeal & raisins are more fluid-soluble & less dense! So we'll try that. TODAY we ALSO tried mixing some of the raisins INTO the oatmeal, which we were always afraid to do before-- and it actually tasted LOVELY. The texture complexity of chewy + fluid is a bit jarring, but it's a unique experience we should not fear, as it IS technically a proper combo! And honestly, raisins ARE both nicer & more palatable when they regain some moisture, which the mixing-in accomplishes. I must add that I did pour half of a creamer into the oatmeal. Perhaps at home that would be allowed, BUT here we are operating by SPECIAL & UNIT-SPECIFIC RULES, which MUST be obeyed with humility & happy submission. On the unit, putting creamer into the oats is NOT proper, BECAUSE it can RESEMBLE or even PROVOKE disordered "overmixing" OR "binge-fusing" behaviors! REMEMBER, we used to binge on creamer! And some folks do the mixing in order to "render a food inedible" w/ IMPROPER combinations, thus falsely "justifying" their restrictive behavior. Those are the reasons I can imagine, in which case Saint Paul's words come to mind in 1 Corinthians 10:23-33! "DO NOT BECOME A STUMBLING BLOCK TO ANYONE!" Set a holy example; NEVER do anything with even the appearance of offense/ sin; seek ALWAYS to edify others, and work for THEIR benefit & advantage, even by "sacrificing" certain freedoms of choice; and DO ALL THINGS SOLELY FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!!!



post-lunch//

I am being SHOCKINGLY COURAGEOUS today. For lunch I had CHOCOLATE CAKE, and I'm bravely about to try CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM. How shall I get through it? I will think of Mom & Grandma. ♥!!! THAT is my courageous motivation. God, give me Your strength of Love!! Please give me YOUR Peace, to NOT fear this INNOCENT food OR my body's potential suffering from it. Help me TRUST in Your SOVEREIGNTY, KNOWING that WHATEVER happens, in ALL circumstances, YOU ARE IN CONTROL, AND ARE DIRECTING EVERYTHING for the HIGHEST GOOD OF MY SOUL. And hey, if I DO "die," then I'm going to be with You, oh I pray, through the infinite Grace & Mercy of my Savior & Friend, Jesus Christ!! So let this little chocolate challenge be a vehicle of grace. Use this experience to bring me ever closer to You in TOTAL faith. Let all my hope & joy be in YOU.



post-dinner//
 
THANKS BE TO GOD, I tasted the ENTIRE dinner, & the ice cream was JUST LIKE GRANDMA'S CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOW. ♥ A victory!! I'm determined to overcome ALL my chocolate fears now-- WITH JESUS'S HELP, of course, or I WILL FAIL!! Remember that! I wrote out ALL my fears about each one, and I'm READY to face FIVE (!!!) of them immediately, bravely... but there are five more that TERRIFY me. Two aren't too bad (I hope!), but the other three? They have me shaking. But I want to be free of this fear SO BADLY. I took two HUGE steps already today; with GOD'S HELP I will take TWO MORE for snack. One isn't chocolate, but BOTH are HEAVILY tied to trauma. And... if God helps me through that tonight, then I pray... then with faith I will have the sheer fortitude to retry chocolate milk. TOMORROW. Because believe me, ONLY GOD CAN GET ME THROUGH THAT ONE! But just remember... "Of course I am willing! Be healed!" ASK, & HAVE FAITH!



prismaticbleed: (worried)


post-breakfast//

No variation in BK contents, but we did have some new insights.
+ SPINNY likes cream cheese? "bite" matches her sharp brightness?
+ someone LIKE Iscah likes bread PLAIN; humility, meekness, simplicity
+ Total dissociation for apple & yogurt because of MESS + MONITORING!!!
+ No condiments! We ate the egg plain again. We did crave the salt, but oh well, we forgot. And being able to taste the unadulterated (!!) pure white vibe OF the egg white was notably inspiring. It was so clear, so simple, and, well, pure. The yolk is AMBER, not YELLOW, and we ate it WITH the white AS GOD INTENDED! As a whole, by itself, it's an oddly reverent little thing. We do like eggs, in concept too.
ON THAT NOTE. Being aware of it now, we WATCHED for switches, AND THEY SURE DID HAPPEN-- with one FURTHER SHOCKING DETAIL-- if we DON'T HAVE AN APPLICABLE SOCIAL for the immediate context/ input vibe required, WE JUST COMPLETELY DISSOCIATE. There were SO MANY "mini-blackouts," it was distressing to realize. EVEN WORSE, when we DO "try to pay attention" IN an unassigned context, we seem to have ONLY TWO OPTIONS outside of just instantly dissociating again-- either we can DETACH and just try to DATA COLLECT-- which still causes some significant derealization as it REQUIRES a level of "distancing from the external" AND inevitably heightens internal cacophanic stress from the "implied dissonance" OF an achromatic GRAY "eating" CHROMATIC tones-- OR, we can "resort to" a VERY UNUSUAL and VERY DANGEROUS and unfortunately VERY FAMILIAR specie of Social... the omnivores. The "garbage dumps." The "self-disparaging ones." Right now there appear to be TWO: ISCAH, and "JESSICA" (the DARK BROWN one with unwashed hair)!!! They are GLUTTONS BY FUNCTION!!! THAT'S WHERE THE COMPULSIONS TO "TRY EVERYTHING" AND "EAT EVERYTHING" ARE ROOTED!!! Since the omnivores EXIST IN ORDER TO IMMEDIATELY STIFLE ALL DISSONANCE RISKS, THEY CANNOT HAVE THEIR OWN "STABLE/ SEPARATE" SENSE OF SELF!!! THEY EXIST AS BLURS-- Iscah through absolute appeasal, fawning, imitation, and mollification, "blithely enjoying everything" WITHOUT DISTINCTION OR ANY SELF-AWARENESS, wanting to "be/ do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING in order to please EVERYONE"-- and "Jessica" through despairing self-annihilation, in being "LESS THAN HUMAN," giving in EVEN to "disgusting" foods & "animalistic"/ "humiliating" behaviors in order to protect THE SYSTEM form contamination, choking EVERYTHING down without protest but MISERABLE, and INCAPABLE OF SELF-RESPECT OR ASSERTION BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T SURVIVE THAT HELLISH EXPOSURE WITH A SELF!!! BOTH of them "eat everything," Iscah to please/ fuse and "Jessica" to placate/ surrender-- BOTH ABUSE SURVIVAL TECHNIQUES, SPLIT BETWEEN DENIAL & DESPAIR. Similarly, BOTH of them "TRY EVERYTHING" for similar reasons-- Iscah TO "be ABLE to please/ understand/ IMITATE everyone," and "Jessica" to "NOT REJECT ANYONE else she be PUNISHED??" She operates from FEAR/ PANIC, & Iscah from "CURIOSITY/ DEVOTION"? But BOTH of them are COMPELLED, UNABLE TO SAY "NO" & THEREFORE UNABLE TO ACCEPT OR EXPERIENCE DISTINCTION BETWEEN "SELF" & "OTHERS"!!! There's ALSO a strangely mutual obsession with KNOWLEDGE? They try EVERYTHING because they insist, ADAMANTLY, "I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE"-- but IT STILL FEELS FORCED?? And they BOTH seem to secretly WANT IT DONE & OVER.



prismaticbleed: (shatter)


post-breakfast//

Lovely breakfast. Fearless omelet; peeled orange with NO mess OR anxiety; lovely tea; the PERFECT english muffin! Our only troubles: we bit the muffin in a "circle" & that guilt muted the data a bit. Please quit that habit; it does not help, nor does it make it "taste better"-- it has CONSISTENTLY proven to do the EXACT OPPOSITE! (BTW the cream cheese had been stored warm so it softened a LOT and that made it SO much nicer/ easier to eat!) Our second problem ties into yesterday-- I admitted that I LIKED the omelet, orange cheese & all, but THEN my weirdo brain said, "you can't like cheese; you don't match its vibe!!" You don't "match" its flavor/ texture-- YOU'RE no ORANGE!!" Same w/ the eggs: "YOU'RE not YELLOW!! And the "salt/fat" flavors clash COMPLETELY with YOUR vibe!!" THIS IS WHY I'M STRUGGLING WITH SELF-STABILITY. I have this frustrating, bizarre, yet "understandable" CONVICTION that one's personal integrity of individual identity is BETRAYED, VIOLATED, DAMAGED, even REJECTED outright IF/WHEN someone participates in/ CHOOSES to "take onto/ INTO oneself" / associates with something that is in DISHARMONY with their "vibe" OF personal distinct self??? Like, in this situation, I'm "choosing AND liking" an orange/ yellow food, with a salt/fat (heavy) flavor vibe, a "heavy"/ "cheesy" texture, AND a "heated" association? And NONE of those match me, SO, if/when I DO eat/like them, it feels like I'm REDEFINING (FORCIBLY!!) MY OWN IDENTITY/ SELF-INTEGRITY?? And dude that MIGHT ALSO be the ROOT of the PKMN-SV "omelet dread" w/ the Professors-- THEIR vibes CLASH HORRIBLY with omelets, too-- so it's like a crash/ scream of dissonant, PAINFUL mental NOISE inside, over & over, with neither food nor person ACTUALLY changing, but also with NO resolution or harmony, so it just CONTINUES, like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It HURTS. But that explains SO MUCH, AND finally gives us the clarity to HEAL/ CORRECT the situation!! On that note, SADA DOES MATCH BOTH orange cheese AND arguably mushrooms? BECAUSE OF HER AESTHETIC INTEGRITY. So there IS a little resonance! BUT she DOES NOT vibe with the OMELET, and honestly I DON'T WANT HER TO BE THE ASSOCIATED "DEFAULT PERSON" ANYWAY, as she's NOT OURS, NOR does she MATCH US!! So LET IT GO. Pokémon has been "corrupted" by the Internet anyway, and we don't "relate to" the new games either. LET IT GO, PLEASE. I can GUARANTEE you we can find someone SAFE in the LEAGUE who CAN/ DOES match the omelet ENTIRELY. But, again, honestly? EVEN THEN, I'M TIRED OF THESE MENTAL GYMNASTICS IN ORDER TO EAT WITHOUT FEELING VIOLATED, because YES, THAT'S the CORE fear-- it's "an outside influence FORCING itself inside ME and FORCIBLY "CHANGING/ CORRUPTING" OR "DESTROYING/ REPLACING" ME in order to make "me" INTO ITSELF." It's invasive, infectuous, parasitic... a contaminant. I DO like omelets, but WHY??? Does that mean I'm NOT actually RED or WHITE? That can't be true, because although I "appreciate" Orange & Yellow AS lovely colors CONCEPTUALLY, the very THOUGHT of CHOOSING them in relation to MYSELF FEELS like "betrayal" and legit makes me sick to my stomach with existential dread. Yellow can be lovely-- daffodils & lemons & swallowtails-- BUT to choose it feels wrong. It feels like I must REWRITE my entire self-concept TO "choose" it "rightly"= OTHERWISE it's that AGONIZING DISSONANCE inside, for as long as that "violation" lasts!! INTERESTINGLY, I'm wondering if my "LIKES" within Yellow ONLY CAN exist AS "likes" because they ECHO something in MY vibe?? And feeling that out, for Yellow, it's the BRIGHTNESS-- the LUMINOSITY, the JOY, the HOPE of its vibrancy. ORANGE is similar; significantly, I DO "slightly" vibe with it, moreso w/ vermilion. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT HAS RED IN IT, YOU DINGBAT! So I can "like" it with less dissonance, BUT STILL, the thought of being ORANGE is still WRONG. As a side note, BROWN is unusual-- since I DO have brown hair/ eyes there IS some affiliation, BUT I can only really feel "right" with PALE NEUTRALS??? NEVER "orange-browns"-- we ALL know the ANCIENT DREAD I get from clay & terracotta-- and never "chocolates," either, for obvious reasons. BUT, our piano has that deep cherry-brown wood and that feels better? And I do like (I think?) certain scents of both literal "soil" and coffee? BUT NOT leather, or mocha, or caramel? I've gotta investigate more. But you can get the essence of what I'm describing. My "neutral" fondness leans red/ GOLD, actually?? I like cream tints, but NOT "light yellow" OR "light pink," even? ONLY "ROSE"? (That's pastel RED!) Honestly my vibe there is basically COSMIC LATTE, which feels ABSOLUTELY RESONANT for the record.
But as this topic is SO complex it CANNOT be fully expounded/ explored here, let's return to the current applicable distress that I am facing w/ food dissonance. Right now, I am not sure HOW to admit that I DO like something "dissonant" WITHOUT mangling my sense of self/ coherent identity?



post-lunch//

POST-LUNCH, THERE HAS BEEN A DISTURBING REVELATION that ironically answers this ↑ question, albeit in an unfortunate way:
APPARENTLY WE ARE SWITCHING MULTIPLE TIMES DURING MEALS, IN ORDER TO PRESERVE "SELF-DISTINCTION," BUT WE NEVER NOTICED THE SUBTLE YET NOTABLE SHIFTS BECAUSE WE'RE ALWAYS SEVERELY DISSOCIATED. The difference today? We noticed we LACKED BASIC DATA for pepper, turkey, AND stuffing, so when we were mindfully trying to observe it (amidst inevitable automatic memory association intrusion), we had the idea to ask, "do I like this?" And the answer was a MESS. Apparently, "NO" IS STILL UNACCEPTABLE. And SOCIALS SEEM TO EXIST VERY MUCH FOR THAT REASON!!! Because when I tried to ACTUALLY "FEEL" MY INTERNAL RESONANCE IN COMPARISON, CHANGING THE UNDEFINED, MUTABLE "I" TO MY NAME, CONCRETE & SPECIFIC-- "does JEWEL like this?" (THIRD PERSON!!! turns it to DATA, NOT MORAL JUDGMENT??)-- the answer WAS NO!!! BECAUSE IT CLASHES WITH MY SELF-VIBE!! BUT THAT'S NOT ALLOWED, NOT SOCIALLY!!! So IMMEDIATELY the mind desperately, appeasingly protests, "but I DO like it"!! AND I FELT "MYSELF" PUSHED OUT AND A SOCIAL STEP IN. And she matched the turkey's vibe, so we COULD eat it. THAT'S WHY we need to "palate cleanse" between foods, WHY we never "taste anything" at first & take ages to finally get input (which is also WHY we save "good foods" for LAST-- when we CAN experience 'em!), AND the REAL reason WHY WE "NEED" TO EAT INGREDIENTS SEPARATELY!!! Literally ALL OF IT TIES BACK INTO THE SURVIVAL MECHANISM OF IRONICALLY "FRACTURING" OURSELF IN ORDER TO SURVIVE AS A "SELF" WITH DISTINCT PURPOSE/ INTEGRITY AMIDST "INCOMPATIBLE" LIFE CONTEXTS!!!!


In light of the previous two pages, AND the social turmoil of the past week, we need to try & journal about our current trauma symptoms.
(1) One VERY talkative, suffering-focused, religious patient KEEPS interacting with us in ways that are EXHAUSTING all our reserves? And we don't know WHY. She keeps GIVING us gifts, with RELIGIOUS overtones, making us feel SO guilty for NOT WANTING GIFTS, and for NOT wanting TO be "religiously esteemed" as we are an UNWORTHY, FOOLISH, HYPOCRITICAL, STRUGGLING SINNER, AND the "pushing" of religion feels wrong; it's SO intimate for me, that other people "STEPPING IN" and IMPOSING THEIR DIRECTIONS on me is legitimately traumatic; it, too, is a spiritual VIOLATION? Of someone taking hold of the DEEPEST part of me, yanking it out and excitedly shouting, "I love Jesus too! Let's chat about it and sing songs!!" But I... I feel ripped open? I can't "chat about" Jesus, as much as I try-- He's TOO close in some sense? I WANT to worship Him, AND to care for His people, BUT bringing "MY" experience/ feelings into ANY religious context feels BLASPHEMOUSLY WRONG. So people handing me pictures of Jesus covered in poetry and WANTING ME TO SOCIALLY RESPOND TO HIM AS A CONVERSATION TOPIC is morally disgusting to me, and it actually made me SO ANGRY? Like I was being trapped, forced to either reject my Savior OR to treat Him irreverently. Either I "saved face" as being "seen as a Christian" BUT betrayed my actual faith, OR I "am not a real Christian" although I'm just trying to KEEP CHRIST SAFELY OUT OF SOCIALIZATION HELLS. So THAT has me wrecked. THE TRUE "ME," WHO IS A CHRISTIAN AND DOES LOVE JESUS, CANNOT EXIST/ FRONT IN AN INTERACTIVE CONTEXT!!!!! I HAVE TRIED. FOR YEARS. BUT IT'S NOT MY JOB and so EVERY TIME-- IN ORDER TO PRESERVE MY UNIQUE EXISTENCE-- I GET SWITCHED OUT FOR A SOCIAL. BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE SOCIAL, THEY ARE EXTERNALLY ANCHORED, AND SO THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE RELIGIOUS!! Without a sense OF "inner being," YOU CAN'T EVEN PRAY. They are "OF THE WORLD" in order for us to "survive" in it, AND TO PROTECT ALL OUR INNER PEOPLE FROM BEING CORRUPTED/ VIOLATED BY IT AND DYING, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN NORTH CAROLINE WHEN TBAS DRAGGED EVERYONE OUT INTO LETHAL SOCIAL CONTEXTS!!! So yeah, it's NO WONDER why we become SUICIDALLY DEPRESSED when we're consistently FORCED into interactive/ social situations: not only does it require ANNIHILATION of self-integrity, spiritual sincerity, AND safety needs, IT LITERALLY IS KILLING US to stay in those situations.
(2) ↑ The second big problem with this patient: SO MUCH TALK. She traumadumps AND overshares AND seeks constant validation? Like it tragically feels like her admitted lack of self-worth is driving her to almost demand approval/ acclaim? In groups & during trivia, she CONSTANTLY goes off on long, overly personal & detailed tangents, ALWAYS specifically mentioning "achievements" or "praiseworthy" things she has done, seen, OR endured?? AND we RECOGNIZE this, admittedly, with notable frustration, BECAUSE WE CAN & DO SPEAK LIKE THAT WHEN WE'RE SELF-FOCUSED & FIXATED ON OUR SUFFERING, and are SO swallowed up by self-hatred & unworthiness that our ONLY "way out"-- as far as we can see in that state-- is EXTERNAL DELIVERANCE, via reassurances that we're "NOT hateful," "NOT unworthy," that we "HAVE worth," and "HAVE suffered"!!! And she seems to be seeking EXACTLY THAT. But... there's no real room OR opportunity for that? There's NO direct asking, or revelation of motives-- JUST TALK, and constant emphasizing that she IS fighting, she IS trying, "BUT"... she also reiterates that she's "stuck" and "DOESN'T believe" the validation. So what do you do? I feel like an ass saying it but it's utterly exhausting, emotionally & mentally, trying to PROCESS the sheer amount of quickly-spoken, HEAVY personal info, while ALSO striving to figure out, "what does she WANT by telling me this? What does she NEED? And why ME? What does she see/ assume/ want in ME specifically, and CAN I even meet that need-- WITHOUT hurting my own psyche in the effort?" And the fatal problem here is... no, I can't.
(3) I STILL care about her as a human being. I even got her a gift today. BUT I DON'T want her to know it was me. If I can, I'll sneak it onto her desk. But the point is, I DON'T HATE OR DISLIKE HER. I don't want to "avoid" her or make her feel unwanted/ rejected. BUT I'M COLLAPSING UNDER THIS SOCIAL STRESS & "FORCED" INTERACTION to the point where my emotions are TANKING, I'm isolating and SELF-ABUSING and I constantly want to cry or throw up or hide or die. I can't pull my thoughts together. I cry in the showers. I collapse into bed numb, I have nightmares & fitful sleep, I don't want to wake up. ALL of that from the SIMPLE INESCAPABLE, CONTINUAL, IMMEDIATE THREAT SHE (UNKNOWINGLY) POSES TO MY MENTAL/ EMOTIONAL HEALTH & STABILITY. I'm running on empty and I can't refuel because when I sit down at my table to reflect or read or journal or work or anything,
(4) She CAN and DOES come over and SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME and my brain just SHUTS DOWN FROM FEAR. it's overwhelming instant trauma panic. I told Staff and I assume they told her BUT she did it AGAIN, and in ANY case her preferred seat now is the "bar" table RIGHT NEXT TO ME. So the hypervigilance & "fight or flight" response prep NEVER TURNS OFF NOW. I am burned out. It's getting intolerable, as selfish as that makes me sound. But realistically, that risk of self-mangling compulsive & extensive interaction IS REAL and it IS CONSTANT as long as we're both in this unit. I pray she finds a DIFFERENT PATIENT to talk to & give stuff to & sit next to, because I AM NOT THE RIGHT CHOICE. I CANNOT MEET HER NEEDS, even though I'VE BEEN TRYING TO. It's just wrecking me and it's NOT going to help her, either. So God, please, redirect her to someone better & kinder & friendlier & STABLE! I'm just the awful disaster that God throws at people to help them realize "they deserve better." It's true. It's happened with multiple people and this is just another stitch in the pattern. I'm just not good for anyone. I'm just... not a good person. i try but I fail miserably, because I'm a hypocrite. I'm self-obsessed and stubborn and impatient and proud and inconsiderate and I hate that, I hate ALL of it, God You KNOW I honestly WANT TO BE GOOD but I CAN'T be, not on my own, not without humility & repentance & surrender, not without grace & mercy, not without Jesus. Not without God. I try too damn hard and I don't pray enough. I'm too damn scared and I don't trust enough. I'm too damn blinded by pain and I'm not grateful enough. I'm a miserable excuse for a Christian, if I even count as one. God help me, I'm so sorry I can't help her, either. All I can do is pray. All I WANT to do is pray. Take "me" out of the equation. I don't want to talk, I don't want to perform, I don't want her to look to me or even think about me. I want her to RELY ON GOD ALONE and please, please God help me to do the same.




prismaticbleed: (Default)

TRAP= "People see me AS the E.D. and they EXPECT it; despite this I have my ONLY self-differentiation THROUGH the E.D."


DYNAMIC: CONTROL

MUST:
- eat with chopsticks
- eat small bites
- eat at certain times
- eat in a certain order
etc.

Control WHEN I eat;
Control WHAT I eat;
& HOW MUCH--
"ensure I get ENOUGH to eat?" felt UNLOVED?
+ REJECT if too much/ wrong/ sick/ forced; "NO"

PROSS of continuing:

- "Security"
- Comfortable, predictable
- ORGANIZED; categorized; methodical
- "Know what's next"
- RULES to follow
- "I have enough" feeling
- Childhood power trip
- Don't "have to" suffer from poor food choices/ consequences
- "No one can force me to do/ not to do this"

CONS of continuing:

- SOCIAL ALIENATION; esp. from family
- Inflexibility, rigidity
- Inability to adapt to change & variables
- LACK OF FREE CHOICE
- Ironically NO SELF-CONTROL, give in to all hunger & fear
- E.D. DOES "force me" to be rigid & obsessive
- Food becomes a WEAPON
- Never truly "enough"

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Set HEALTHY rules
- Use exchange system!
- Learn to TRUST safe people & trust THEIR gentle control
- COOPERATE; never "all or nothing" on either side
- Be more flexible w/ food, but still set schedule & limit options prudently? Portions; NO FORCING!
- Define "enough" NUTRITIONALLY
- MEET PSYCHIC NEEDS W/ CREATIVITY & BEAUTY
- Disarm discomfort; sick ≠ death
- Remember: GOD IS IN CONTROL, so I don't have to be!!
- I CAN control exchanges?


--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: SELF-CONTROL, SELF-CRITICISMS, EXPECTATIONS, ACHIEVEMENT

- FASTING, "CLEAN"
- 100% meal completion despite painful fullness, PUSHING portions, meals presented as PASS/FAIL
- RESTRICTION/ STARVING; "don't deserve to live/ eat"; perfectionistic expectations: clean, pure, proper

PROS of continuing:

- No longer a "wild animal"
- Moral "reassurance"
- Helps alleviate/ ignore feelings of inadequacy, failure, etc. by setting my own (toxic) goals OPPOSING past ones
- "Spare the rod, spoil the child" = "deserving of punishment" for bad deeds/ sins
- "FASTING = HOLY & PURE" but "FOOD= SIN & LUST"; "SAINTS DON'T HAVE TO EAT"; feel closer to God?
- "Can't control" eating so DON'T EAT!! There's NO "SIN" that way!

CONSof continuing:

- Critical focus = sees NO redeeming qualities; causes hopelessness, "UNABLE" to change
- Meals are WAR, not sustenance
- Ignore/ invalidate/ deny intuitive body needs (just like trauma)
- "NEVER GOOD ENOUGH" = will always try to eat LESS; passive suicide; idealized death = "holiness" becomes a matter of VIOLENCE TO SELF, instead of LOVE & MERCY; seeing God's GIFT of food as "BAD"

HEALTHY WAYSto meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Practice "external" portion control: utilize containers, plate/bowl sizes, store food IN smaller cases
- "Baby step" expectations FOR meeting healthy goals?
- NON-FOOD ACHIEVEMENTS = I can achieve goals UNRELATED to food!
- Accept human frailty; MERCY
- HUMILITY! "I'm human"
- REALISTIC expectations; again, MERCY to self for struggle
- Control VIOLENCE; be KIND
- Criticize GENTLY, to GROW
- Holiness ≠ body shape
- Note little victories of virtue


--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: AUTONOMY & DIFFERENTIATION

- Seeing food/ eating as FUSION/ INVASION; hyperidentifying with associations & contexts
- "I AM NOT LIKE THEM"
- "I CHOOSE what goes into my body"
- "I WILL NOT eat what YOU eat" (trauma)

PROS of continuing:

- Sense of "self"
- Eating behaviors are MARKEDLY different from others, esp. abusers
- "Superhuman?" Hyperseparation; total rejection of similarity = no connection to abuser OR "risk of becoming them"

CONS of continuing:

- "Self" defined by FOOD and/ or BEHAVIORS
- Actual LACK of autonomy; slave to the E.D.
- Ironically FURTHER splitting into E.D. socials & food-anchor nousfoni (lotophagoi)
- "Dehumanized"; rejection of common behavior; so desperate to avoid trauma "bleedover" I end up pushing away more & more of life in fear

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Learn BOUNDARIES?
- "Me time"; KNOW self (AND LIST QUALITIES OF)
- DISCERN & list differences between me & those we love
- FORGIVE!!! (MERCY)
- Re-associate trigger foods with HEALTHY, NICE people & events
- List all the ways we ARE different from abusers? HONEST FACTS; admit your flaws too and then WORK TO CHANGE
- They are one person; they do NOT have the power to change reality!!

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: ATTACHMENT & SECURITY

- LACK of it in people; seeking it in FOOD
- "I WILL eat what you eat" (fawning/ codependence); Obsessively overeating "child foods" & "family favorites" / memory associations

PROS of continuing:

- E.D. "always there" to fall back on/ turn to as "reliable"
- Control & predictability gives "security" of routine and prevents "change"
- "Relive" precious, sparse memories of family; feel "connected to" their personalities; "get to know them"

CONS of continuing:

- Unable to change/ flow
- FEAR of the unknown; resistance to recovery
- Food replaces family; perpetual grieving; unwilling/ unable to move on from past; "this is all I have left"

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- RELIGION; GOD LOVES YOU. HE CANNOT CHANGE. THAT'S ULTIMATE SECURITY!
- Accepting that ALL earthly things CAN, DO, & MUST change; practice flow
- Watch old family movies?
- Look at old photos
- MOURN LOSS and TREASURE MEMORY but move forwards!!!
- CONNECT with other family!!!
- Remember: "the world is your ship, not your home"

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: ISOLATION

- Behaviors could ONLY be totally performed in private
- Shame made me hide AND people withdrew in disgust or distress
- Avoid social eating= avoid social terror & overwhelm

PROS of continuing:

- Controlled environment
- "NON-INVASIVE" opportunity to eat
- Quiet, peace, SAFE
- Don't have to talk or perform

CONS of continuing:

- Derealization
- Increased feelings of "danger/ unsafe" when NOT isolated
- Feel "less than human" as it worsens; "unwanted; rejected"

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- SCHEDULE alone time!
- BALANCE alone time w/ social life
- Regularly spend OUTSIDE time in quiet places?
- Bring earplugs/ earmuffs?
- EXPRESS NEEDS to people

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: CONFLICT AVOIDANCE

- Sought through isolation/ control
- "Can't decide the RIGHT food" = eat ALL OF IT or EAT NOTHING
- Also applies to "they said I MUST/ MUST NOT eat this"

PROS of continuing:

- Don't have to make divisive/ exclusive choices
- "Unobtrusive"; willing to do "whatever"; "preventing offense"

CONS of continuing:

- "FORCED" feeling AT ALL TIMES
- Perpetual dissonance
- Never able to make OWN choices OR have OWN opinions
- Always afraid of "offending" regardless

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- learn to WALK AWAY
- Be diplomatic
- Avoid combative people?

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: OPPOSITION & ARGUMENT

- "Rejecting" others w/ food choices? = food decisions WEAPONIZED; starving is ULTIMATE opposition?? UNWILLING to argue verbally

PROS of continuing:

- Restricting/ purging as a way of "rejecting" bad feelings & frustration w/ argumentative situation
- Express drive to "oppose" without fighting or risking verbal altercations

CONS of continuing:

- Unhealthy in general
- Proud & stubborn
- SPITEFUL
- Doesn't accomplish anything

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- LEARN RESPECTFUL ASSERTIVENESS!
- Trauma therapy?
- XANGA SESSIONS??

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: INDIVIDUALITY, IDENTITY, & SELF-WORTH

- E.D. fueled by LACK OF THESE
- Trying to either FIGURE OUT "own" food likes AS "identity" IN THE LACK OF OTHER MEANS??
- Reject food= invasion to "preserve identity"? / "I'm worthy of food" vs "UNWORTHY to live"

PROS of continuing:

- Form some sense of "identity" based on chosen hyperavoidance of food?
- "I deserve to enjoy things" despite empty life?
- "Discover" preferences?

CONS of continuing:

- E.D. NOTABLY developed to SMOTHER "self" when existence was intolerable
- Perpetuates feelings of unworthiness
- "Self" defined by food

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- "FIND/ REDISCOVER" self by OTHER MEANS: creative works ALLOWED!!!
- LET YOURSELF BE WEIRD
- EXPRESS your uniqueness

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: MATURATION (BOTH DESIRE AND FEAR)

- Starving/ purging= NEVER GET BIG/ ROUND/ FAT "LIKE A WOMAN"
- Total rejection of sexuality; SAFE FROM SEXUAL ABUSE?

PROS of continuing:

- NO CYCLES
- NO CURVES
- HORMONAL SHUTDOWN
- "Stay prepubescent" in shape
- "Preserve innocence"; "food" = "violation"!!!

CONS of continuing:

- Doesn't erase trauma
- Literally impossible to ACTUALLY reverse puberty
- Constantly terrified of food and ALL weight gain

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- HRT?
- Find NONSEXUAL "female" role models? (EVEN "FICTIONAL")

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: CAREGIVING (AND AVOIDING CARING FOR SELF)

- "Food = love" social problem
- I MISS COOKING FOR OTHERS and feel like "cooking only for me" is WRONG; avoid OR make TOO much

PROS of continuing:

- Allows for "going through the motions" of "caregiving" behaviors
- Focus on "eating to make other people happy"

CONS of continuing:

- Prevents me from ACTUALLY caring for other people
- "Limiting" definition of "care" to FOOD

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Find someone TO care for??
- Practice REAL self-care; ACKNOWLEDGE NEEDS

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: BEING CARED FOR

- Family used food as reward? Celebrations/ holidays/ esp. Also used BOTH food and lack thereof as PUNISHMENT; deeply confusing

PROS of continuing:

- "I won't burden anyone"
- Feel like I am a "good girl"
- Sense of "I must have done something TO deserve food"
- "Fills void" in the absence of caregivers

CONS of continuing:

- Neglects or "usurps" ACTUAL self-care needs
- "I can do this alone" perpetuation
- Unmet needs STILL LOUD
- denies loneliness

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- SELFCARE!!
- Go OUT to eat??
- Spend time w/ church "family"
- Spend time w/ mom?? 

--------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

The ONLY thing I'm still scared of is the BANANA. There's more disturbance associated with them than I realized.
+ We still love eggs (1 s&p work nicely), but they're BEST eaten W/O UTENSILS! They don't make a mess that way. Pick 'em up & bite 'em! (They're a nice shape)
+ We legit enjoy these muffins now. Still crumbly though; PICK THEM UP TOO-- utensils just crush the poor things. We still "eat the top" first which MAY be the cause of our "how do I hold it" problem (like the "circling" burgers). Try eating it in a straight line like an average joe; In any case it's a little exercise in obedient self-mortification, which ALWAYS bears good fruit. ♥ Similarly, we WAITED until the last bite to put the butter on it, so we'd get it all at once. But THAT is abnormal, too! Practice properly spreading the butter on BEFORE you start biting into it.
+ WE LIKE COFFEE. We added 2 creamers only to 120mL and it was SO NICE. That bitter-brown undertone IS enjoyable. Sweet pushes RUIN that!
+ The vanilla chai tea is BEST PLAIN! It tastes vaguely like Christmas?? We'll need to experience it more deeply to find out-- this morning we were distractive anxiety over "needing to add milk/ creamer" to the rest. On that note, adding ONLY soymilk triggers the Borders memories!! FURTHER adding creamer BREAKS that COMPLETELY. There WAS a resulting & TOTALLY UNEXPECTED "flash" to AIRPORT STARBUCKS?? But that could be false, as we would base THOSE on "London fog"-- BUT then add cinnamon, nutmeg, AND vanilla powder!! So that's a fascinating regained historical awareness!
+ WE LIKED THE RAISIN BRAN!!! Yet another concept-only fear food redeemed!! Raisins are safe now, so that's half the battle, but we did NOT expect the bran to be SO POSITIVE! Apparently their core association is with MOM'S BRAN MUFFINS, which are PURELY POSITIVE, and also have raisins in them!! So thank you Mom, for unknowingly healing this ancient fear food through your gracious, generous, unfailing & always-sweet motherly love. ♥ And muffins!
+ We have GOT to heal bananas, but that can ONLY happen in earnest BY giving them a POSITIVE (EDIFYING!) RE-ASSOCIATION!! The only starting concept we have is identical to the applesauce: being so sweet, gentle, & soft already, bananas are IDEAL for baby food AND the elderly! So that humble communion can be a KEY anchor to further healing; without such humble softness & openness of mind & heart, we CANNOT heal!! And the literal physicality of a banana is a tangible, experiential reminder of that. Medical fears-- like "allergies," "GI/GL spikes" & "binding foods" have been PROVEN INAPPLICABLE to our treatment experience here, AND can be safely/ prudently/ easily/ fearlessly managed & tested otherwise. That lingering low-key but insistent banana anxiety IS "harm-based"; the fear is expecting injury/ damage, but WHERE? The body or the soul? Either way, they're BOTH IMPOSSIBLE!! Mark 7:15-23 AGAIN. Foods CANNOT affect your soul, because JESUS SAID SO; THAT is true no matter what the "new age" movement insists. Similarly, you won't "die" if you get a sugar rush, or a little gastric discomfort. GOD MADE YOUR BODY, AND HE MADE IT WORK; a tiny incident like that is easily "recovered from." PLUS, there is NO NEED to fear ANY bodily pains or discomforts; those DO count as "SUFFERINGS" that CAN be patiently & faithfully united TO THE SUFFERINGS OF CHRIST for the forgiveness of sins & conversion of sinners!! DON'T EVER FORSAKE SUCH A BLESSING!!! But in conclusion, let me ALSO repeat: no matter WHAT sinful things you've experienced in association w/ bananas, ALL SINS CAN & WILL BE WASHED AWAY BY CHRIST IF WE GIVE THEM TO HIM! So do that! GOD CREATED BANANAS, you know, so regardless of the devil's lies, the Creation is STILL GOD'S. ♥



post-lunch//

We had TWO juices-- OJ and grape-- and BOTH are safe/ positive!! OJ does have very slight residual "unease" but it feels attached to childhood in general, & our fear/ dread of SUMMERTIME STRESS bleeding over in context. But by itself, it's totally okay.
+ ITALIAN DRESSING... ISN'T SCARY! Again!! It's actually VIVIDLY associated with-- again!-- CHURCH BASEMENT DINNERS, the VFW, and I actually thing COLARUSSO'S?? Which is uncanny because Mom was JUST reminding me that our family used to have an ENTIRE dinner there on weekends, not just pizza-- they'd have antipasto & everything! And the memory EXISTS in tangible truth-- it simply needed that revival! AND, now that such a context IS accessible, we can FIND the memories that FIT there! I can even actually "walk around" the restaurant IN that memory now that I CAN enter it!! THIS is why it's SO IMPORTANT for us to get gutsy and FINALLY watch those family movies & study the photo albums-- and I MEAN "STUDY"!! Not just looking! We need to FEEL those photos IN ourself, and TRY to "enter" their times & places, to see what is restored, remembered, re-awakened, realized, etc. ALL our senses MUST be involved in this process of self-recovery; we're doing taste here, visuals at home, and sound (music) anywhere-- that stuff is POWERFUL for us; it's like a time machine-- the only two unpredictable ones are touch & smell, BUT those are highly specific and limited in their "exposure range." Still, we CAN "remember" a surprising amount of scents with equally surprising intensity. Touch is almost ABSENT from memory in comparison; I don't even know what a "touch memory" WOULD look like. So it's an interesting, exciting thought, the idea of investigating that-- it would be HUGE in combating depersonalization/ dissociation FROM our past AND present self, caused by DETACHING from touch input! It's something we really do have to pay more grateful attention to, with temperance!!
+ We are LEARNING to like pizza, haha! Our newfound appreciation for both bread & tomato sauce (that STILL floors me; glory be to God) helps a lot, obviously, but ironically, we're struggling with the CHEESE? First, though, let me honestly note that there is pepper in the sauce, which affects the vibe-- not sure how yet? But it seems to "ground" things directionally, & mute color saturation?? We'll see-- and I think it counts more as tomato PASTE? It's a notable darker/ less saturated Red in BOTH appearance AND vibe! So it's a little "dissonant" but not bad. BUT! The "bread" of pizza dough AND the "flour" of pasta TASTE/ VIBE DIFFERENTLY (darker/ lighter) and THAT matches the tomato differences!! It really is art. Nevertheless, on to the cheese. THAT triggers the S&V binge-trauma VERY loudly?? Which is distressing. It does NOT taste like our personal experience memories of pizza-- the closest vibe is childhood bowling alley pizza parties, and those were HISTORICALLY anxiety-riddled, as we were always just "an extra, unwanted face" amidst all our brothers' classmates, surrounded by noise & social pushing to "play," feeling totally rejected, powerless, and inept. And there was pizza. We're not sure HOW to heal those memories yet, but since we've identified them now we can work at it! Same with the recent disturbances. We NEED positive reassociation, I must emphasize. To conclude, though, I have one beautiful thing: when eating the pizza, we ate it WHOLE and in ONE DIRECTION!!! ♥ But while we were chewing the sweet, red-tinged bread, we took a sip of grape juice... and we thought of Jesus. It tasted exactly like our post-Church childhood memories of pizza & wine/ grape juice, and all His blessings... remembrance of Him. ♥ Thank You, Lord.
The SALAD, though, taught us our BIGGEST lesson. Like last time, it had two big "banana pepper" slices on top, which are EXPLICITLY a trauma trigger. Having to eat them anyway, but not wanting to be slammed by those memories & anxiety, we instinctively searched our psyche for a POSITIVE focus/ association, and when we found nothing... we IMAGINED ONE??? We thought, "yes, these are scary for us, because they were a scary person's favorite food-- BUT! THEY AREN'T the only people in the world who DO like them!!" And we imagined, a priest, who loved their sour bite, reminding him of his Italian family's cooking AND of Christ's Passion, and that one of his elderly parishioners always bought him a jar and left it on the rectory porch with a little note of well-wishes. Just... the POSSIBILITY of such a POSITIVE person/ preference/ association existing TOTALLY OVERRODE THE TRAUMA TIE with its pure affectionate human joy!! BUT you know what the REAL GAME-CHANGER was??
THOSE POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION IMAGININGS CAN BE MADE REAL... IN THE LEAGUE!!
THAT GIVES US SO MUCH SOLID, TANGIBLE HOPE. It WORKS and its ACHIEVABLE and we can do it ANYTIME. It literally changes everything. Oh thank You God!! It feels like we can breathe for the first time in years; it's like heavy chains have just fallen, broken, from our arms at last. There's freedom, or at least the intimately close hope and promise of it, with this now. BUT don't forget, we CAN, SHOULD, and arguably MUST STILL CREATE POSITIVE PHYSICAL/ EXTERNAL REASSOCIATIONS, TOO-- because THOSE are the ones tied to SENSORY INPUT-- these League ones are INTERNAL, and are tied to MENTAL ASSOCIATIONS as a RESULT of sensory input occurring in a traumatic PHYSIOLOGICAL environment!! BOTH INSIDE & OUTSIDE were involved in the traumatic associations; therefore, BOTH must ALSO be involved in the HEALTHY, POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION AND PROCESSING!!
So yes. Here, with hyperlimited physical options-- AND arguably ALSO chronic risks of FURTHER negative associations via bad/ trauma-triggering music, anxiety attacks, trivia overwhelm, unit noise scares, etc.-- we MUST constantly & consciously utilize INTERNAL re-association, ideally when in a SAFE environment (quiet, no threats of overwhelm), and with a calm mind!! BUT when we get home, THEN we can do more concrete work through healthy control of the contexts IN WHICH we revisit those "hurt" foods, to heal them on the OUTSIDE. But that's the future! Plan for it prudently, but don't obsess or overthink-- the future CANNOT be rigidly planned for. Jesus TOLD us "not to worry about tomorrow," so DON'T. The BEST prep/ "planning" we can do is DOING WHAT WE CAN TODAY, FOR TODAY, because one day the future will BE today!! Trust in God, be patient, and ACCORDING TO OUR CURRENT STATE IN LIFE, just do your best to please God in all you do. SOLI DEO GLORIA! THAT is always, ALWAYS our motivation AND our goal. Our healing is meant for HIM-- and it CAN ONLY HAPPEN THROUGH HIM AND BY HIM!! So PRAY, then listen, then obey. THAT is the foolproof, guaranteed path to recovery.

prismaticbleed: (worried)


post-breakfast//

We were hopeful & brave this morning & emulated a DINER BREAKFAST. We had COFFEE, we put KETCHUP on the eggs, AND we put SYRUP on the French Toast-- and ONLY cut it into 8 pieces! We ate like an AVERAGE JOE and it was actually really nice! Being so determined to "eat in a way that allows/ facilitates common community" made it EASIER to forgive ourselves for the (unfortunately) "inevitable" humiliations of spilling salt (don't be superstitious!!) & pepper (packets do tear), and getting ketchup & syrup on our hands (STILL a HUGE trauma trigger, BUT--) because including OURSELF in the "everyday person" group, NOT some "reject/ unusual outsider/ outlier" meant we COULDN'T hold ourself to a spotless, impeccable, pristine, undefiled, immaculate, "GOOD" but superhuman standard. We THOUGHT that perfectionism would "make us holy" by protecting/ insulating us from DIRT/ FILTH/ IMPURITY/ CONTAMINATION/ POISON, both physically & spiritually, BUT it ultimately just promoted antisocial behavior, fueled our OCD fears, and stoked the fatal fire of PRIDE. Our "separation" from "the unclean/ immoral" was a Pharisaical false ideal, utterly merciless, callous, and INHERENTLY ANTI-CHRISTIAN!!! So it MUST STOP. The only problem is that, especially with today's DIRECT experience of it, such a "slackening of standards" is felt & perceived as MORAL LAXITY, as "giving in to sin" and "boorish sloveliness." Even though we WANT to be a part of the community, our darned pride has us SCARED of "MORAL CONTAMINATION" if we associate with people who, "God forbid," watch sitcoms or read Harry Potter or admire celebrities or listen to Top 40 or who aren't afraid to spill pancake syrup on their shirt because "I'll just wash it later." They don't seem to even FATHOM the "possible threat to their integrity & purity" BY that syrup escaping its proper context, and BY that "distortion of definition"-- food ONLY exists AS food when in the PROPER context of container or containment-- it is horribly & instantly malformed, becoming DIRT, filth, mess, SIN. Syrup on your shirt means YOU destroyed its proper purpose-- YOU removed it from orderly function and CORRUPTED its very nature! YOUR STICKY SHIRT IS A PROOF OF YOUR DEPRAVITY; IT IS A PREVIEW OF HELL, WHERE ALL IS UNCLEAN!!!! So you see even further our ridiculous hypocrisy. Just like those pitiable Pharisees, we are SO afraid to admit OUR even acknowledge our OBJECTIVE sinfulness, because WE DON'T HAVE ANY HOPE OF MERCY. And that is BOTH FATAL AND UNTRUE. Christ IS Truth, and He IS MERCY!!! Yet... we are SO SCARED of the appalling DEPTH of our depravity that admitting it FEELS LIKE DAMNATION-- we are hopelessly FILTHY. We forget the Cross, the sign of salvation from the WORST of sins, provided we ADMIT & BRING & SHOW them to Christ Crucified, Who ALONE can wash us clean and TRULY PURIFY us, OVER & OVER FOREVER, through the FOUND OF MERCY of HIS PIERCED HEART, the most blessed & beautiful & PURE spring of BLOOD & WATER that flows ETERNALLY and ABUNDANTLY. Jesus doesn't care if you spill the entire bottle of syrup over yourself; GO TO HIM LIKE THAT, SHAMED & CONTRITE BUT TRUSTING IN HIS MERCY WITH ALL HOPE, and HE WILL WASH YOU COMPLETELY CLEAN!! THAT'S why He ate with sinners, with filthy gross unclean shameful prostitutes & gluttons like ourselves. He CAN & WILL HEAL THEM AND US, if His Mercy is met with hope & repentance!! And we ARE sorry, UNBEARABLY sorry, but we need HOPE. God CAN clean up even our dirt. And once we trust that, we need not despair at "inevitable ACCIDENTAL spills" anymore.
This is like the ROOT of ALL our problems here in a real sense, AND it's the STRONGEST ROOT of trauma consequence, the biggest obstacle preventing us from even LOOKING at it, let alone admitting it or coping with it. We're so terrified of the "contamination" being both SO thorough and SO heavily imposed that it is INDELIBLE, UNHEALABLE. We foolishly overestimate sin's power, but oh thank GOD to at least subconsciously know that GOD IS SOVEREIGN, EVEN OVER TRAUMA, and no matter WHAT the devil does, OR how brutally and horrifically the demons may damage you and others, THEY HAVE ALREADY LOST. Their efforts are DOOMED TO FUTILITY. Listen, sincerely-- GOD IS LOVE, LIFE, & TRUTH. Literally ANYTHING & EVERYTHING that harms/ hinders life, rejects/ distorts truth, AND/OR abuses love in ANY WAY, is OBJECTIVELY IMPERMANENT and CANNOT last forever-- unless, through free will alone, we CHOOSE to hold onto it INSTEAD of the ultimate reality of GOD-- Who IS mercy & forgiveness & peace & purity & healing & hope! THAT IS WHAT'S REAL. Yes, trauma DID happen, but it's inherently transitory BECAUSE IT'S NOT OF GOD!! So please, anchor that truth DEEP in your heart, and cling to the Cross, and even in the deepest misery you WILL find refuge & consolation & forgiveness & restoration. GOD LOVES YOU.
But... even then, my biggest fear seems to be my free will, the ONLY stamped ticket to hell. AM I choosing TO be filthy & impure, BY "relaxing" my moral standards around food?? The Holy Spirit is firmly, insistently saying "NO" in my heart. MARK 7:15-23 sums it up. AND ACTS 11:7-9!!! Literally NO food OR secular exposure can corrupt my soul-- ONLY if I CHOOSE to be wicked, licentious, covetous, deceptive, foolish, greedy, conniving, judgmental, bitter, ARROGANT, or any other sinful thing! NOTHING OUTSIDE CAN MAKE ME CHOOSE THOSE SINS. That means that ALL apparently non-sinful contexts ARE "SAFE" to an extent? Of course I MUST avoid ALL occasions AND temptations TO sin, BUT I CANNOT condemn external things FOR my sin-- ONLY my OWN moral weakness, ignorance, and confusion. Getting ketchup on my hands WON'T sent me to hell, and such "messiness" IS NOT an "external proof" of internal "corruption"; THAT'S YOUR GUILTY CONSCIENCE talking!!!
Honestly, I'm not actually afraid to eat with OR associate with other people. If I shared breakfast with someone and they dropped their whole plate on their lap, I'd HELP them clean up and REASSURE them it was okay and "NOT a problem" and I DIDN'T "think poorly of them" and I wouldn't care if I got my hands dirty, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE FROM CHARITY!!! The ONLY things I'm afraid of is my OWN "purity" being destroyed-- ALREADY a proud assumption-- BUT this example seems to suggest that, paradoxically, OTHER PEOPLE ARE PURE AND INCORRUPTIBLE??? Like even on the previous page, ALL my "contamination fears" spring from AN ALREADY 'CONTAMINATED" SELF; we were the ONLY one CAPABLE of doing the damnable things-- SEEING others "be normal/ lax in behavior" DIDN'T DAMN THEM, but was a TEMPTATION TO SIN IN OURSELVES, because if WE did those things, it WOULD REQUIRE BETRAYING OUR OWN MORAL STANDARDS, even by accident. It's hell. If I spill the syrup it's a REVELATION of my moral hypocrisy & sinful nature/ past, an uncovering of shame, a death sentence to a criminal now damned by solid evidence. I FEAR seeing others spill it because it REMINDS me of what I'm terrified of, BUT I would NEVER impute actual guilt to them. I am the sinful one. They ONLY spilled it BECAUSE of me and MY overwhelming guilt. Like, I'd IMMEDIATELY think, "oh no, now they're suffering the guilt of MY sin because I didn't confess it (properly)/ repent (truly)/ admit my own wretchedness!" And I PANIC, TERRIFIED, like the syrup itself is the guillotine looming. It's STILL EGOCENTRIC ARROGANCE!!! The CHRISTIAN thing to do would be to FORGET about myself COMPLETELY, and serve that person's needs with COMPASSION-- gentleness, consideration, mercy, kindness, patience, SELFLESS SERVICE & ATTENTIVE CONCERN!!! But you CANNOT do ANYTHING virtuous with SUCH A TORTUROUSLY GUILTY CONSCIENCE. The only hope of release is to GO TO CONFESSION, and be BRUTALLY HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING. Put ALL that ancient horrid filth in Christ's Hands. Stop burying it in denial, stop hiding it in shame, stop denying it in despair! Doing that only PERPETUATES it, and IMPRISONS you in misery! LET GO AND LET GOD WASH YOU CLEAN IN HIS BLOOD. HE CAN AND WILL PURIFY YOU, AT LONG LAST.


Some additional breakfast notes:
+ French toast NEEDS time to chew AND CUT; the crust is super firm/ chewy. Don't rush OR crawl; be mindful.
+ Be prudent w/ syrup! Only use half the container, if that (we did). Too much is dangerous, both physically (sugar rush) and mentally (addiction), EVEN spiritually (intemperance/ indulgence)! BUT it IS proper/ allowed TO use, because it is a COMMON/ AVERAGE/ "INTENDED" combo w/ the toast, and we don't want to fear OR despise/ judge common food!
It's OKAY to "like" a food, esp. a sweet one OR other "forbidden/ morally dangerous" item. FOOD ISN'T EVIL, AND IT CANNOT CORRUPT YOU. Even syrup, eaten IN A VIRTUOUS MANNER, with gratitude to God, can be used for Good!!
+ Coffee is bitter, remember! But it's not scary. It's a FAMILY food, shockingly-- I think ONLY Diamond doesn't regularly drink it. So there is DEEP affection there, & being ABLE to now participate in that common unitive experience is a real blessing.
I don't know if we should try adding ONE sugar (plus our 2 creamers); if only to overcome that "moral judgment" we still sadly hold about sugar. Remember grandma always took 3 SUGARS, and her moral integrity was unaffected! Same to you, IF you LET GO of that condemning attitude towards GOD'S CREATION AND PEOPLE! I don't want to give ANY power to sxtrauma anymore. EVEN SUGAR IS INNOCENT. Don't force it if it's not wise/ proper/ prudent for your situation/ state/ obedience, BUT don't condemn OR fear it, either. Trust God! He rules over ALL things!!
+ Eggs + JUST ketchup = MORE CAMPER MEMORIES??? That is blowing my mind!! But it's specifically NOT the VFW OR hose company-- THOSE have the PEPPER!!! This is fascinating. And I love feeling my history as REAL again. Plain, they're ONE SUGAR PACKET AWAY from being EASTER CHEESE, pretty much! Their texture is SO LOVELY. And they taste NOTHING like an omelet! Their focus is yolk; omelets are more milk?? We'll find out. But THANKS FOR EGG, GOD



post-lunch//

NO CONDIMENTS!!! ♥ We ate the burger in ONE direction, NOT "circling" around the center, AND resisted that old compulsion to "save the (allegedly) best bit (center) for last," instead trusting God & gratefully treating/ experiencing the ENTIRE burger! It's peppery & mushroomy, with bits of carrot, bell pepper, onion, & water chestnut; it's NICE with the cheese and the texture IS good!! It is just VERY dense, and slightly rubbery, so it REQUIRES small bites & thorough chewing (~20m). We had no trouble there, again thanks to patiently trusting Jesus.
We STARTED w/ the applesauce, and got nothing but vague unease UNTIL we closed our eyes to turn OFF sensory input overrides of internal data-- and IMMEDIATELY got a powerful memory association of SUNDAY DINNERS w/ family, applesauce & pork chops on our plate, dreadfully anxious. WHAT happened at/ around family dinners that has little us SO UPSET? She's bracing for impact, almost-- waiting for "inevitable disaster" to hit. We imagined the family reassuring her, stating their love, AND promising that "if we ever DO fight, we will ALWAYS forgive & make peace after, AND we still/ always love you/ each other." She was comforted a little but not consoled? Now wanted to CRY, feeling safe enough TO do so. Reason still unknown. Not even tied TO the food; she just lost her appetite from nerves, & was sick/ miserable at the thought of being FORCED to eat it, while feeling like that. THAT'S a "POISONING" fear root-- like the chocolate milk incident!! She'd be burying/ suppressing her sadness/ fear and then SWALLOWING it down, making the APPLESAUCE a "fear food" by such explicit association! WEIRDLY the pork chops AREN'T-- or rather, THEY are only scary as a CONCEPT!! Their presence WITH the "swallowable fear" food made their future presence scary, BUT!! MEAT HAS TO BE CUT UP & CHEWED, and those "subtly violent" actions PROBABLY HELPED VENT/ EXPRESS THE FRUSTRATED ANXIETY that was otherwise being choked down without any possible resistance (i.e. chewing, cutting)!!! THAT'S HUGE. I must add, though-- the thought of being ALONE w/ grandma, at our young age, and HER "feeding" us the applesauce, ISN'T SCARY?? So there's a LOT to think upon/ feel out here!
+ THE PUDDING TASTED EXACTLY LIKE THE CREAM SAUCE GRANDMA WOULD MAKE FOR THE FLUFFY RHUBARB CAKE. Oh my goodness that meant SO MUCH to us; thank You God!! We FORGOT that was even a thing, and ALL our memories OF that dessert are, monumentally, PURELY POSITIVE!!! That is almost UNHEARD OF for food memories, especially desserts (due to shame/ fear/ guilt)!! But this one is actually joyful. And realizing the memory today, it hit us so hard... WITHOUT this EXACT identically flavored food being able to relive that memory... we could NEVER experience it again. When grandma went home to God, she took ALL her baking with her. Those lovely memories are forever past, now... or at least, literally so. But God, in His great compassion, has given us the totally unexpected & heartachingly beautiful opportunity, however small, TO touch those experiences again even now, to tangibly re-live not only our childhood but also our love-- a chance to feel it with powerfully bittersweet directness, our grief briefly but genuinely transmuted into deepest affection, illuminated by our remembrance of her brought fresh into the Now, almost as if she were still right there beside us.

A VITAL POST-LUNCH RECOVERY RISK UPDATE: REDUCE THE FLUIDS!!!
We are compulsively trying to push THREE TO FOUR entire cups of fluid WITH meals, not realizing that such liquid volume IS STILL VOLUME AND IT WILL TRIGGER THE BULIMIC PANIC RESPONSE!!!! When there is that much tangible "fullness" it sets off SO MANY TRAUMA ALARMS and we instinctively, in a survival reaction, want to GET IT OUT so we will be safe-- AND "empty." That "emptiness" is held in sharp contrast to "fullness" in an AUTONOMIC sense-- the horror of violation, and the resulting invasion/ infection from a malicious foreign body, resulting in BOTH LOSS OF SELF/ IDENTITY AND OUR SELF BEING SWALLOWED UP BY THAT VIOLATOR'S SELF. Annihilation through forced override-- a heaviness on us taking over us, suffocating & pinning us down, overriding EVERYTHING with its own weight and heft and "fullness"; it forces itself into our body, stuffing it like a parasitic wasp, and leaving us bloated and ravaged, doomed to agonizing death. I have NO idea WHERE the ultimate roots of this are. They're SO OLD. Yes there have been FAR too many "replants" of those evil seeds since the unknown beginning-- TBAS being the tragically explicit example-- but WHEN did it START? WAS there something in childhood?? The EARLIEST clear incident we can actively remember is from 2011, in the psych ward, with our roommate. She was huge, she was invasive, we were small, we were trapped & helpless. We're STILL shaking from that shock, deep down. But PRIOR to that? I have no clue. If I had to guess, I'd suspect something with Mom, unintentionally of course, as her scent STILL scares us with an unconscious but SPECIFIC fear of being smothered & trapped. This is no fear of hugs-- the paralysis is from being PINNED, or otherwise restrained. Notably, Grandpa's bigness is a threat in memory, but NOT an offender?? Like we recognize POTENTIAL for that danger in his bigness, BUT it WASN'T used to smother us ever. Actually it seems we ONLY get that fear from WOMEN??? Men would THROW their weight around, so with Grandpa we feared his utilizing that bulk in RAGE, like a snorting bull, ready to gore you with sheer brute force. We feared the strength of that weight, channeled into slams or charges or punches, or holding you down like a dying butterfly facing a pin, frantic but crushed by those iron bars he called arms. We never FELT the weight ITSELF. The threat was active, direct. But women were indirect, passive, like being locked in an oubliette with the walls closing in, the air getting heavy with noxious vapors. SHEER TERROR. BUT WHY???
In any case, STOP TRIGGERING THIS BY DRINKING SO MUCH AT ONCE!!! Cut down to ONE coffee or tea at breakfast, and ONE tea at meals that have fluids included! You CAN ask for more water, but DON'T "obligate" yourself to drowning by compulsively asking for TWO by default!! If you're still thirsty, ask for one later!!
It takes A SOLID HOUR for the panic to subside, and TWO to feel decent again!! SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!

 


prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Cheese omelet, english muffin, cream cheese, applesauce, OJ, soymilk, cinnamon tea, 2 ketchup, 2 salt, 3 pepper, 2 creamer

CHEESE OMELET)
IS A FEAR FOOD AGAIN, due to the recent binge-cycle & its associations with S&V. it USED to be tied to CNC memories too, but only TRIGGERED sometimes, as TBAS cooked them differently. Still, the concept was tainted. AND YET... there are STILL POWERFUL POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS with BOTH Mom & Dad-- the latter giving us some in the CAMPER? That MIGHT just be an "egg texture + cheese" trigger with vacation on-the-road breakfasts, but that's APPLICABLE and so ENTIRELY RELEVANT. And THAT gives us SO MUCH HOPE for healing-- the STRONGEST roots were BASE SENSORY DATA and NOT just presentation; AND the "change" in fear/ healed status RAPIDLY, BOTH ways, PROVES the inherent "harmless neutrality" of ALL foods, AND the unchangeable ability TO BE HEALED from ANY distortion, from BOTH acknowledgement OF that fact (to restore a neutral "rest & relief" status) AND POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION!!! BAD MEMORIES CAN BE STRIPPED OF THEIR STOLEN POWER AND OVERRIDDEN BY REPEATEDLY STRENGTHENING A NEW POSITIVE ANCHOR ASSOCIATION!!! Such re-association MUST be done BOTH mentally AND experientially-- IN THAT ORDER!! Experience data hits HARD & sticks like glue, BUT it sticks TO WHAT'S INSIDE!!! So we need to consciously & determinedly lay a GOOD FOUNDATION FIRST for it TO stick to & rebuild upon!
SO. Realtime application: FIRST, FIND AND/OR CREATE POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS for that fear/ trigger food, and FOCUS ON THEM WITH A PRAYERFUL, TRUSTING, FAITHFUL HEART! "Forcing," "pushing" or otherwise controlling/ worrying/ obsessing WILL BACKFIRE!!! Gently but strongly think positive thoughts about it. USE THE SPECTRUM AND THE LEAGUE FOR HELP!!! Then, once we have laid that new & good foundation INSIDE, we can start anchoring it in OUTSIDE by finally re-eating the food. THEN we can fix its associations BY CONSCIOUSLY OVERRIDING any negative/ trauma triggers IN REALTIME, WITHOUT DENYING them-- there's a difference! They had their reason for being there, but it was based on ABUSE, FEAR, & FALSEHOOD-- ALL OF WHICH MELT AWAY IN THE PEACE OF CHRIST!!! THAT IS OUR ULTIMATE UNDERLYING GOAL IN ALL OUR EFFORTS: TO LIVE THE PURE, ORDERLY, HOLY LIFE CHRIST REDEEMED US TO BE.
WE HAVE TWO PERFECT "GOOD" ASSOCIATIONS ALREADY: KING DAVID VS GOLIATH, & PROFESSORS SADA & TURO. I'm serious!!! We suddenly realized that the breakfast omelet tasted IDENTICAL to the frozen ones at ShopRite, which we were eating DURING our fast readthrough of the Books of Judges & 1 Kings! (So Joshua & the Battle of Jericho are tied to it, too; that feels oddly fitting)
+ Sada/ Turo = CROSS in eternity; UNITE past/ future in ETERNAL NOW 
+ they eat omelets together, it's adorable

+ cream cheese scary in concept, BUT we LIKE it?? Kitchen vibe, specifically grandma! why so? no specific memory. Was that her breakfast, way back?
+ english muffin PERFECT. problem = "wiped up salt/ pepper" with it. DON'T. eat it plain & nicely! we REALLY enjoy them literally as-is. also ASTRA!
+ OJ not so scary? thoughts of grandma, & POWERFUL childhood vibe; indistinct memory. fear is physiological, not emotional. (acid sickness)
+ applesauce same as OJ. remember buying TONS for grandma when she couldn't chew anymore; huge act of love. remember SHE WAS TOUCHED. ♥ overcome "compulsive dislike" = old folks & babies CAN enjoy apples ONLY this way, gentle & sweet, and they are SO GRATEFUL. the feelings of "humiliation" we get from applesauce turn into HUMILITY, THROUGH EMPATHY & LOVE; COMMUNION with those people, feeling & sharing their gratitude.
+ CINNAMON TEA IS GORGEOUS. tastes like Christmas cinnamon!! With creamer it is SO LOVELY. do have it more often.
+ ketchup is GROSS on omelets, haha! don't need/ like the s&p either! this meal is BEST when eaten PERFECTLY PLAIN.
DON'T GO "TOXIC COMPLETIONIST" & EMPTY CONDIMENTS ONTO PLATE/ FEEL "OBLIGATED" TO USE ENTIRE PACKET. NO. TRY PART of one first, and if it's disgusting in that context, SET IT ASIDE & LEAVE IT ALONE. Don't BE gross OR DISORDERED!!



post-lunch//

+ paranoia about food order "morality"; thought Jesus told us to eat the turkey & cranapple juice first, but when we asked again the answer pushed the GRAPE, and we were pushed NOT to mix that with turkey, so WE chose to eat the green beans first, & felt like we had just eaten the forbidden fruit. TOTAL PANIC & MORAL TERROR. dissociated HARD & began to rush. Couldn't "tune in" to Jesus because of tormented conscience, so LAURIE talked us down, assuring us that meals were NOT a matter of morality. the goal is NOT to panic & obsess over them like this!! JESUS WANTS US TO BE FREE, free to CHOOSE the good/ proper/ healthy/ loving/ merciful/ gentle option, NOT slavery to rigid, judgmental, fearful, compulsive, unmerciful "obligations." (He said, about our choice, "I make all things work together unto Good")
+ turkey taste like dark meat chicken. thought of Jade as a kid, affectionately. TASTE IS TRIGGERING though; makes us feel "naked." too much fleshiness to it? disturbed & upset. YET remember "axe cop" pure-hearted thanksgiving turkey!! eating meat ALSO gives us moral panic & dread (TBAS "carnivore/ cannibal" obsessions), so PLEASE, remember GOD GAVE YOU THIS LIFE FOR LIFE, IN SACRIFICIAL LOVE-- like OT offerings, it's a reflection & reminder of Christ's ultimate Self-giving to feed US!! But yes, this needs SO MUCH HEALING.
Plus, Thanksgiving memories are STILL blocked-off; I think THAT is motivating the "compulsive dislike"-- it's a PROTECTIVE INSTINCT! So we're "not sure" if we like the stuffing "or not" in truth, either; also the taste data for both WON'T CLICK OR STICK. We'll have to look into it. The ONLY shock was the sudden CRANBERRY trigger from the juice, adjacent TO those-- LEGIT PANIC. So THAT context hit says a LOT!!
+ dinner rolls are still perfect!



miscellaneous notes//

Mom & strawberry Poptart fear: "Try it! You don't know how GOOD it might be until you do." I LEGIT NEVER CONSIDERED THAT PERSPECTIVE. Remember that!! "You SEE what you LOOK for!!"

TWO massive trauma-music flashback hells today. Q AND OV.
HOW DO WE COPE WITH THAT??

+ "too much empathy" curse, from 2007-- "I'm not happy if You're not happy"; loss of self; no boundaries; other's emotions become our reality. and then we CANNOT help them as we've become empty mirrors/ amplifiers. EXACTLY what happened yesterday.
+ judging "judgmental" comments that DIDN'T EXIST; I was assuming! shameful, feel awful. "I won't listen because I don't want TO judge, and they ARE." actually they WEREN'T. my brain just does that itself compulsively. humbling/ humiliating. grateful to see this sin exposed. practice compassion & acceptance of REALITY; no labeling!!
song trigger made me dissociate hard & not taste anything & rush, although it was a fave today. trigger made me think "I don't like this meal." UNTRUE!!! why such a reaction?? so angry at "loss" of enjoyment. felt hollowed out.
relived CNC terror for a solid hour after. CONSTANT HELPLESS DREAD. no control, no help. TBAS cut me off from faith & family, & usurped my free will. made me live FOR them. I wanted to die. SO MANY MEMORIES saturated with existential horror. the nightfall was hell; really sank in. mornings similar--self destructive performance. totally blacked out. cannot even look at that room in memory. horrified at SEEING JUST HOW CATASTROPHIC the eating disorder was then. living hell. BUT!!!! it was ALSO SOLIDLY OUR ONLY COPING/ "SURVIVAL" MECHANISM. Bizarrely, maybe because of that desperate function, IT didn't seem to form trigger foods??? but TBAS DID, even "casually." I think EVERY SINGLE FOOD we shared with them ultimately became a trigger BECAUSE of that constant underlying HORROR/ DREAD/ LOSS/ DESPAIR/ etc. that I denied/ buried. God HELP ME TO TRULY, TOTALLY FORGIVE whatever is perpetuating this bitter regret. I do still love them, but... I'm also still scared to death of all my memories of them.
remember we ALSO have trauma specific to ALTERS OF THEIRS!! That trauma is MUCH sharper & scarier... Hence why that song shook us up SO BADLY. We haven't faced ANY of it yet.

 


prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


pre-breakfast//

QUICK BUT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL morning notes:
+ Emotional ROLLER COASTER w/ shower. MANIC SOCIAL thinking about "what music to pick if asked" (decided on Jackson 5); considering getting a Litwick plush if personally applicable. Internal upset AT mania; "I don't want to be like this" "this isn't me" BUT couldn't "stop." A different manic (Jack?? "David-Tennant-looking-ass"; flirty, invincible, "most popular man in the room" vibe?) took over hard; could NOT feel sad OR even acknowledge pain when an unseen internal Navy foni punched the leg TO try & feel both and/or switch!! This SPIKED mania as a "violent shutoff" for "not real/ legitimate" "negative" emotions? Demonic crazy grin on body, while near mirror. Seeing this face triggered vivid TBAS FLASHBACKS, CROWNED BY HAIRSTYLE: flattened sides & spiked top. Everything was unsafe; dysmorphia raging. Then, UNEXPECTEDLY: noticing wet & emphasized eyelashes = instantly changed ENTIRE overlay to FEMALE!!! New, positive, BALANCER foni appeared to match. RED-VIOLET "QUEEN"? FIRST SOLID ONE. Balancer; not manic or depressive, BUT acknowledging BOTH without being either! "Bittersweet" heart. Color like a wine glass or garnet in the light. Chose/ fit the name ALENA, from "Magdalena"-- female bodies STILL defined as "whores" REGARDLESS of fronter; Alena's hope was to signify HEALING, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION from that specifically.
Wearing GLASSES changes overlay INSTANTLY. Alena cannot wear them, but (we hope) neither can Jack? The RED color of our glasses helps a TON. Also, MANICS CANNOT WEAR OUR MEDALS. They get angry & obstinate & rebel against "feeling chained down to the Cross." Alena said "that's the whole point." (Laurie EMPHATICALLY agrees.)
+ Momentary "blackout" between exiting bathroom & going to bedroom window; hallmark of "social context" automatic dissociation
+ Sunrise. Simple ROYGBIV muted gradient; no clouds. BUT it's the second day of autumn and it must be cold at last because what did we see but CHIMNEY SMOKE!!! ♥ First REAL sign that the season has switched too!
↑ LAURIE came out, to elaborate that thought; we couldn't find the "right" word-- she asked Shirley & Sirius for help and they BRIEFLY FRONTED to speak with her! Words like "harbinger," "signpost," "indicator" didn't fit. Laurie said "messenger," then laughed & concluded, "chimney angels."
+
↑ Brief mention of Q with "chimney sweep muses" art. "No hatred" but lingering fear towards him for 2012, despite lingering affection as well. "Father FORGIVE them for they KNOW NOT." Same with OV; we pity them? BUT STILL LOVE & MISS them deep down, WITHOUT denying the pain & damage & fear & anger & NEED to forgive. But we DO love them, both of them, which ENABLES forgiveness!!!
(btw GIVE THIS TO INFI; ze holds the CORE TRAUMA from CNC and ze is AFRAID TO EXIST still, even now, because of it. Ze NEEDS to come back & BE with us; without hir heart we CANNOT ACTUALLY HEAL!!!)
Apparently we have DIFFERENT ARCHIVISTS AND DATA "COMMUNICATORS" FOR MANAGEMENT OF EMOTIONAL VS LOGICAL (FACTUAL) DATA!!! Depending on what KIND of information it is, ONLY CERTAIN NOUSFONI CAN PROCESS/ SPEAK/ WRITE IT!!! Warm vs cool "undertones," typically. Shirley & Sirius fit this. ALSO there is a "neutral Gray" Archivist we THOUGHT was "Quicksilver" because they're BOTH a darker gunmetal gray, but Quick was NOT neutral. This guy-- who spoke briefly to both Alana (in the washroom) and our typical "emote-data writer" (me!! ♥)-- is currently vibing with the name "Sterling." (That's close enough to "Stellar," haha!) So we'll see what our future holds with getting to know him & all the other nousfoni who may/do hold those roles, as they obviously DO exist, but we never had the means to SEE or even KNOW they COULD/ DID exist until now, this morning!
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between an ANCHOR and a ROOT! An "anchor" is something PUT DOWN to hold someone firmly in that specific place; a ROOT is something one GROWS FROM as an initial locked-in place!!
+ Brief return to the sunrise-- the "warm color" gradient DISTURBED us, AS ALWAYS. Reminded us of "westerns." Why that intense, ancient fear for both? "Jess" came out (!!)

sunrise beauty: what we instinctively & viscerally recognize AS beauty, finds its ORIGIN & DEFINITION IN THE FACE OF CHRIST JESUS!!! When I look at Him, I see BEAUTY, literally PERFECTED.
Things ARE ONLY "beautiful" BECAUSE something in them ECHOES Christ's beauty. When I look at Him, I see everything that I label AS beautiful in the sunrise, but CLEARLY, ESSENTIALLY-- not "through a glass darkly."
THAT'S WHY HEAVEN IS THE BEATIFIC VISION; all Creation is just dim reflection of (and yearning for) that true, absolute, complete, real, total bliss.

+ Group recommending "fidget objects" for coping = we've NEVER TRIED them because we label "stimming" as SILLY? like, "why even try it; physical "coping" isn't legitimate." BUT OUR SYMPTOMS ARE!!! SO why NOT meet them on that same level? HONESTLY DO TRY THEM, TO STOP JUDGING/ ALIENATING OTHERS at least!!


post-breakfast//

Cornflakes, blueberry muffin, banana, egg, apple juice, soymilk, french vanilla tea, 2 creamer, 1 s&p.

MUFFIN)
Thoughts of mom! ♥ No fear after that. Alana caught the unique blue/red vibe of the berries and TRIED to front to taste it, but she can't come out while eating (OR with glasses on)-- that would distort her function! But she appreciated the idea. Note: don't put fingers in mouth to "get crumbs."

CORNFLAKES)
HEALED!!! BY CO-FRONTING. "Red & blue" socials-- soygirl & a magenta (?) who KNEW the job! ALSO DAD!!! Talking to him HELPED SO MUCH. "Soymilk is too sweet for me, but it's good for you-- you're just as sweet yourself!" "Sugar isn't bad; it's a great source of energy, and it'll give you all the extra push you need to do all your running today." Soy said the very thought of work made HER exhausted emotionally. "I want to work but I get so overwhelmed & I burn out." Magenta sister replied "Then I'll do that work for you! You don't have to push yourself to do anything that's going to hurt you. I'll do the burny work; you can do the quieter thoughtful important things, like the sweeping & stocking shelves. We still need & want your help! Just do what's meant for YOU, and I'll do what's not!" Dad added: "I'll talk to your boss and let her know to let you rest like that if you get overwhelmed. They don't want you burning yourself out either; I know I sure don't! I don't want to see you looking so sad & tired all the time! I care about you, Jessie, and so do the people you work with. They'd all be happy to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. (There's nothing wrong with asking for help!)" Lots of hugs and "I love you"s. Soymilk now POSITIVE but not the cornflakes? Mentioned. Dad: "You know the Native Americans grew corn as a staple crop. They used it for everything; it kept them alive when winter came. You're the same way. You're sweet & give people energy like the soymilk, but you're also soft & strong like the cornflakes. You can help keep people alive, too, by giving of yourself. People need what you have to give them, Jessie, and God made you just the way you are for that reason. Just like your breakfast." She was SO DEEPLY COMFORTED. Her color reflected the pure serene blue of a calm sky.
HOWEVER. Two more things! First, the "vibe" of the cereal as a whole is NOT BLUE-- its true inherent tone DOESN'T VIBE WITH HER, OR HER SISTER! It's gold, a RARE Yellow-group POSITIVE food combo (Soymilk ITSELF is neutral-ish? COLD leans blue; vanilla leans yellow?) that no one concretely matches (yet). SO. We told her, she doesn't HAVE to anchor to it! Its association has CHANGED now, via healing, AS HAS HERS-- her old memory anchor is now ONLY a memory; the "reality" has CHANGED and so remembering what WAS now INCLUDES a golden ray of FUTURE HOPE that actively renews the healing and PREVENTS getting stuck in old, now-nonexistent contexts! Yes, at that time in history, we WERE miserable. BUT NOW we have infused that time AS PERSONAL PAST with HOPE & TRUTH, and so even if literal history CANNOT be changed, SPIRITUAL "NOW" CAN CHANGE HOW THAT HISTORY UNFOLDS. Therefore, NOTHING in our past is a "death sentence." There is ALWAYS FORGIVENESS, ALWAYS a chance for MERCY & REDEMPTION. The Cross, too, occurred at only one historical point, but spiritually it is FOREVER-- and AS SANCTIFICATION & GRACE!!! Death was defeated in time ONCE, and so now FOREVER it is POWERLESS! So too with our past trauma. The Crucifixion DID happen, bloody & horrific. That's FACT, and cannot be changed. BUT, outside of linear time, that SAME event unfolds in LOVE & HOPE unto ETERNITY-- an event ALL SOULS can & DO participate in RIGHT NOW!! So that mercy & forgiveness can & do TANGIBLY, PERSONALLY, ACTIVELY redeem ALL people. Likewise, in our linear Now, we can send our healing love & mercy & forgiveness-- FROM CHRIST-- to ALL our past times & selves as PART of our NOW, & heal them FOREVER.

BANANA)
Fear food= trauma suggestion, tied to elephants & monkeys, associated w/ Jade. Put all that aside & focused on the GOD-CREATED WONDER of its pure existence: the texture, the way it shimmers in light, the seeds! Fruit's existence in general is fascinating. God is SO Good. That helped us refocus. We also DIDN'T cut it off, remove the peel entirely, OR bite/eat the peel!

EGG)
Again, SO much nicer plain. The s&p are COMPULSIVE; try NOT using them. "But salt is holy!" NOT IF IT'S BEING ABUSED VIA COMPULSION!! If you feel "obligated" to eat it-- EAT, not "season"-- then DON'T. That's "opposite action" coping! It helps you REGAIN PROPER CONTROL over your compromised willpower. Right now, we're a slave to seasoning. We "can't" say no to it! And that's NOT A MORAL DECISION-- IT'S AN ADDICTION. Conscience doesn't go into moral panic if it doesn't put salt on a meal just because Jesus told a parable about it. Guess what? THAT'S IDOLATRY!! You're so focused on the literal SALT, you MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. So yeah, honestly, "fasting" from salt right now WOULD be the "morally proper" decision! Regain the freedom to CHOOSE that God created you with!! Honor Him with it!
+ The new girl on the unit is a KID, and her being so upset triggered out NIER. He was deeply upset by her thinness; he wanted to feed her the eggs his chickens laid to make her healthy & strong. Ate it for her. REALLY locked in sense data?? Just from having a CONCRETE PERSON eat, not just an "observer" of memory! REMEMBER THAT! Nousfoni do help immensely, but the ULTIMATE goal is to be able to CONSCIOUSLY eat as ONE CORE SELF, whoever the true "me" is, without switching for every food-- BUT that means we NEED A SOLID CORE SENSE OF "SELF," FIRST!!! Hence all the historical self-memory healing we're focusing on. Who "I" was as a child is REAL. There's a true heart in there somewhere. God help us find it.

FRENCH VANILLA TEA)
Surprisingly warm & mellow, like the blue tootsie rolls! Too yellow in tone to match our core, BUT!!! Instead of b&w "like or dislike" compulsive automatic judgments, we REALIZED: yeah it's not OUR vibe, BUT IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S-- someone HUMAN!!!! Other people like different things from us, which we personally "can't grasp" FROM AN ISOLATED PERSPECTIVE. BUT once we EXPERIENCE this different data, WE CAN EMPATHIZE, UNDERSTAND, & HAVE COMMUNION WITH THEIR UNIQUENESS: "if they vibe with THIS, then their SOUL has a vibe like this" = WE CAN KNOW THEIR SOUL BETTER, & SHARE IN THEIR EXPERIENCES.




post-lunch//

Pizza, Greek salad, ranch dressing, orange juice, 1 parmesan, 2 salt 3 pepper, 2 tea 2 creamer

Realized our perspective is: "You CAN FAIL AT EATING." We set "arbitrary" rules and if we mess up even a little, we feel UTTERLY DEVASTATED & COMPELLED TO "START OVER" & "DO IT RIGHT"... "OR ELSE." That FEAR of real but unspecified PUNISHMENT is SO POWERFUL and RE-TRIGGERS THE BULIMIC "EMERGENCY EXIT" RESPONSE. It ALSO explains why we RESTRICT: EVERY meal is another RISK, a chance to FAIL and SUFFER FOR IT-- AS A BAD PERSON. Our "failure" to do right means WE must BE "wrong"!! "Bad people do bad things!" So "failure" is DAMNING & UNACCEPTABLE.
+ We thought, "you can't drink OJ with pizza. At home, the family ONLY drank GRAPE juice with pizza." SO, "if I don't drink grape juice with it, I HAVE FAILED TO DO THE RIGHT THING." therefore I feel COMPELLED to THROW IT UP and START OVER RIGHT!!
We turn every meal into a MORALITY PERFORMANCE with impossible choreography. So we either AVOID the risk, OR we try to purge every failure-- which ALWAYS happened with that mindset!! It's TERRIFYING. If we "choose wrong" we are DAMNED. We've DISOBEYED, so we SINNED, by REBELLING AGAINST GOD'S DIRECTION and being willfully obstinate.
PURGING "RESTORED" OUR PURITY, BOTH MORALLY & PHYSICALLY. It was our confessional & our absolution. Only emptiness was safe/ Good, in the end. ALL eating became too morally ambiguous/ threatening, as we COULD and DID ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO CONDEMN, therefore MANDATING the penitential purge-- or else, WE WOULD LITERALLY "GO TO HELL"-- at least physiologically. And it WAS hell, every single day.
Related to breakfast data: "LIKE/ DISLIKE" feels morally wrong, YET eating something that we intuitively "don't "enjoy"" feels DISTURBING to our SENSE OF SELF. We feel like, if we "don't like pizza," BUT still eat it, then "WHO ARE WE, REALLY??" We "can't resonate with two opposing responses!!" But see? We DON'T SEE IT AS "INNOCENT" PREFERENCE/ OPINION, EITHER. Dislike = REJECTION of others WHOSE SOULS DO RESONATE WITH IT. But TO eat that thing that DOESN'T harmonize with our core is a TRAUMATIC "OVERRIDE" OF SELFHOOD: an external "virus" trying to REWRITE who we ARE at heart. It's INTENSELY PERSONAL. THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH TRAUMA TIED TO "PEOPLE-PLEASING/ IMITATIVE EATING" = we LOSE OURSELF in PHYSIOLOGICALLY "IDENTIFYING WITH/ AS" THE OTHER by eating THEIR favorite foods obsessively. And why? Because, IF we love them OR WANT to love them, WE CANNOT "REJECT" THEM (OR SAY "NO" TO THEM; also rejection)!!! ALL "OPPOSITION" TO THEIR SELFHOOD IS UNACCEPTABLE. Our "only option" is to LIKE/ IDENTIFY WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO.
THAT is why, right now in recovery, we NEED "food socials" of a hyperspecialized sort-- nousfoni whose vibes are ROOTED in the vibes of ANY & IDEALLY ALL FOODS that are dissonant with the "core" self! THAT way, we can both HAVE a self, AND "match/ meet" the self of others! NO refusal, NO boundaries, NO dissonance, NO conflict.
↑ All that hit HARD for lunch. The salad had feta cheese (Jade), olives & banana peppers (OV), tomatoes (grandma), and ranch dressing (unknown but possibly also OV). And we, idiotically, added parmesan (Lou/ grandpa). So we were a MESS mentally. We dissociated HARD because the sheer NOISE of data sources was so overwhelming. Plus we think we had a pollen allergy response to the lettuce (again)?? Muscle tics, breathing restricted, itchy, stuffy nose. So we're scared & sick on top of all that. But, splinters of the Cross. Carry it humbly.
Pizza is NOT our vibe AT ALL but so many people DO love it; it's SUCH a huge barrier between us & our community. It seems like EVERYONE likes pizza, so if WE don't, we are EXCLUDED from "everyone." WE ARE SO HEARTBROKEN/ UPSET/ TERRIFIED over that. But we still cannot seem to MAKE ourselves like it? We WANT to, ESPECIALLY since it was GRANDMA'S LAST MEAL!!!!! if we don't SHARE in that... we would rather die. So we MUST like pizza, AS OURSELF. Yes I'm sure we can "birth" a nousfoni for it (there are ALREADY "old Italian matron" seeds) BUT THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE PIZZA = COMMUNITY MEAL point. Church outings, childhood parties, dinner at Mom's, post-church Lawrence Welk memories-- ALL of it involves PEOPLE TOGETHER and WE need to be "ME" in order TO participate!!!
Unfortunately there IS pizza trauma. Tomato sauce between bread & cheese looks like blood oozing from a garish place. And it is MESSY, with that gore getting on one's fingers. It's EXPLICIT trauma similarity. Plus MC & OV always ate it, AND it's a binge-suffocation terror trigger. But THOSE EXPERIENCES DO NOT CHANGE THE TRUTH OF REALITY, which is that those negative associations AREN'T DEFINITIVE OR PERMANENT! Beneath & beyond that, there is a pure & simple EXISTENCE, from which CHRIST bestows ALL food as HIS GIFT, forever untouched by human fears.
INSTEAD of "switching out with" food-vibe nousfoni in order TO eat those foods, EAT WITH THEM IN COMMUNION!!! That is the IDEAL option for EVERYONE-- it preserves core individuality, enables direct empathy, practices social eating contexts, etc. Share their heart WITH them, and share YOURS-- so you can do that PHYSICALLY with your fellow man! DO ALL OF IT WITH COMPASSION.



post-dinner//

Breaded pork chops with gravy; mashed potatoes; butter; shortbread cookies; whole milk; 3 salt & 3 pepper; 2 tea 2 creamer

PORK)
Surprisingly lovely. Soft, nice texture, and purely positive flavor! We expected trauma, but found NONE. Thanks be to God! (Mom later told me SHE had pork chops for dinner, too, which warmed my heart SO MUCH. ♥ That's COMMUNION even now, and future hope!)

POTATOES)
According to direction, we put the butter ON the potatoes-- which was actually a SMART & PROPER action that we would never have chosen on our own (which is WHY obedience & trust are KEY), because the butterfat SLOWS THE GLUCOSE SPIKE potatoes always seem to give!! THAT'S why people put butter & sour cream & bacon on them!! See? Our compulsive hyper-individualizing of ingredients is PRACTICALLY UNHEALTHY. Still, SO is hyper-mixing! There is a WISE & prudent middle ground, the "straight & narrow path." Seek that even ground and walk with Him. ALSO! Even if it turns unexpectedly, it is STILL CLEAR; there are no tumultuous shifts or swerves. The end goal is CERTAIN-- God Himself as our King and Love-- and with Christ ALWAYS walking with us as both Leader & Companion, we CANNOT get lost or confused or misdirected. No matter WHAT we may face in life, IF we just TRUST Him and OBEY His guidance, our feet shall not slip; we shall remain on that sure & sacred road.

LORNADOONE SHORTBREAD)
We were literally JUST thinking about Saint Nicholas (Santa Claus) being a PERFECT example of "fat ≠ bad; even SAINTS CAN BE FAT", and then we get milk & cookies! Gosh it's actually so heartwarming. It makes me look forward to Christmas with even MORE joy!! ♥ They were SHOCKINGLY delicious, both in taste & texture! It was unexpectedly so, so nice. There's also NO immediate association, so it was a pure experience. A NOTE, though-- DON'T take a sip of the milk WITH the cookie in your mouth! It feels messy & undignified, AND it increases choking risk, PLUS it muddles the data way too much. We should really focus on mindfully, prayerfully, gratefully paying honest attention to ONE thing at a time while we learn & heal.



post-snack//

Harvest cheddar Sun Chips.
Thinking about ORANGE: EMBER DAYS, SUNSETS, etc. LIST!!
harvest = bounty of God's fruits, memento mori-- "oil in lamps," thanksgiving TRULY. prepare to preserve life through winter; God feeds His obedient children.
cheese = MILK, at heart! AGED, "to feed her children still when she, too, is old"; feeds children in winter when there is no literal "birth"? CRONE sacredness, as it were. perpetuated motherhood nurturing. cheese an ANCIENT common food anyway. DON'T DENY-- WE DO LIKE IT TOO!!
"dirty" cancelled BY JESUS!! "eat WITH sinners"; vs ALOOF PHARISEE "CLEAN." Jesus would absolutely get chip dust on His fingers right with the poor!

+ HAD to mostly open bag to prevent filthy hands from reaching in. not ready yet. DID challenge obsessive "order"/ crumbing. "LEAVE THE GLEANINGS" & treasure EACH bite; no "HAVE to" eat certain pieces. MORE FREEDOM OF CHOICE RESTORED! also, NO biting INTO chips; that's mincing. Eat normal; don't be too proud to laugh at yourself if you drop a piece, WITHOUT going into "animal" mode!! BE MEEK WITH HONOR!

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


post-breakfast//

+ hard morning; lingering filthy feeling & depression/ despair? after last night. STILL sick. exhausted in every sense.
+ hot shower. thank You God. talking about loss of consolation (worldly) in little things; no more mouthwash = no mint "cleanness" = feel even filthier. Knowing God only removed it so I can seek UNWAVERING consolation IN HIM regardless of any circumstance: a greater & better end goal. but the process, if resisted (even unconsciously, through fear & weakness & sorrow), is disturbing: you grasp at an old, "effective" coping mechanism but it's gone. So now, DESPITE the lingering terror & distress, your ONLY viable option is to surrender & turn ENTIRELY to God. and I'll be honest with Him, I can be a petulant child about it and I am grieved over that reality. my mouth tastes like a breakfast muffin because Jesus said to eat IT last, not the eggs, and I don't understand WHY, especially since the muffin/ bread aftertaste is "DIRTY" and low-key a trauma trigger (apple cinnamon). so it's fueling the misery, adding weight to this cross. oh God, please, help me carry it, with You; alone I will be crushed quickly and die. help me.
+ no "formal" morning prayer; couldn't focus on recitation due to distress & grief. INSTEAD, strongly moved to read Saint Bridget; dual account (herself & Mary) of the Passion of Jesus Christ. Wept my eyes out. It BROKE MY ENTIRE HEART. Oh my sweet Jesus, what horrors You willingly & meekly suffered for my sins!! Oh my dearest Mother, what inconsolable anguish you bore so faithfully with Him!! I can feel it resonating painfully deep in my heart even now, an immeasurable grief endured and even embraced only through charity. Strangely, blessedly, it also gives me comfort, against all sense-- knowing Christ bears my minuscule crosses with me, and all of mine are but splinters of His. Communion.
A prayer card about that fell out of the book when I picked it up, like a calling card. "Splinters of the Cross." I cried. THERE, at last, is my consolation. Each little offering of every little pain is a blessed grace, a PARTICIPATION in that Work of Salvation, UNITED TO ITS PURPOSE AND POWER IN REALTIME. The Cross-- the crowning Work of Christ-- is eternally Real. Your negative thoughts AREN'T. There IS hope & healing, even IN AND THROUGH THE SUFFERING OF SIN.


post-breakfast meal data//

Fresh fruit cup (melons & pineapple), scrambled eggs, apple cinnamon muffin, soymilk, cinnamon tea, 2 creamer, 2 s&p, ketchup

FRUIT)
Real cut fruit! That's not scary. We LIKE honeydew actually ("moon melons"), and cantaloupe is neutral because of dear grandma. ♥ There is an underneath "fear" possibly from spoilage memories, but no "fear." Just not our central vibe. HOWEVER, the pineapple is STILL so strongly evocative of that ONE morning in SLC when we binged on pineapple with Q and I don't even know why; but we were SO SCARED & DISSOCIATED. In any case, SLC IS STILL SCARY and SO IS Q. Apparently those wounds AREN'T healed as we assumed.

EGGS)
With ketchup, salt & pepper, they DO remind us of grandpa, BUT ONLY SECONDHAND-- the primary association is "old local veterans" in general; the INSTANT memories are the LOCAL FIREHOUSE BREAKFAST and a smidge of the Thornhurst one, vague but known. The feeling is VERY COZY & SAFE; it's a solid "childhood security" vibe which is RARE. We feel QUITE young, like 7 or so. ALSO. EGGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER PLAIN. Keep them that way! The salt is getting nauseating; ONLY use one packet whenever possible. Same with pepper. Lastly, the TEXTURE is LOVELY. It's like custard! How do they do it! But it has NO data ties either way which is such a relief for our poor anxious brain; we can enjoy it purely & simply. Honestly, thank You God. The little things really are the nicest.

MUFFIN)
Neutral texture, triggering concept, SCARY flavor. Apparently, to our brain, that warm-brown "apple cinnamon" FUSION taste-- inherently so; it's NOT "apple + cinnamon", but its OWN unique thing-- elicits DREAD & shaking anxiety. (The Nutrigrain does it too! We've been wondering!) We cannot find the roots yet, nor can we identify the "apple" flavor (it doesn't match anything apparent in our apple-presentation data roll), BUT we wondered why the flavor = dread, and suddenly realized: APPLE-CINNAMON IS A SEASONAL FLAVOR, TIED TO TIME. When it historically would occur, it would do so ALONG WITH OTHER SEASONAL THINGS THAT WERE TERRIFYING, so over tie, the "appearance" of apple-cinnamon flavor became a WARNING SIREN, TO PREPARE FOR IMPENDING DANGERS THAT ONLY OCCURRED DURING THE SAME SEASONAL TIME PERIOD!!! This concept is ALSO why peppermint is SO safe: when IT appears, apple-cinnamon DISAPPEARS, and therefore the time of threat is OVER. They are like checkpoints or fences? Chronological markers. But apple-cinnamon therefore WARNS of UNAVOIDABLE, ATTACHED DANGER: of county fairs, hay rides, harvest festivals, corn mazes, haunted houses, jumpscares, scary movies, and Halloween. TONS of frightening things to us as a child occurred in the fall; plus THANKSGIVING & pilgrims & that loathsome orange/ yellow/ brown/ vermillion (NOT RED!!) color scheme everywhere that hurts our brain and has scared us SINCE CHILDHOOD, always inexplicably. We WANT to heal it but it's SO ANCIENT, with hidden roots. Nevertheless, we'll keep working on it as autumn (which starts today!! ♥) settles in around us in realtime, and our psyche reacts to the process & presentation. A NOTE: we actually love the "darker" autumn aesthetic that incorporates EVERGREEN & MISTY GRAY & BURGUNDY along with the neutral browns, glowing golds, & rich vermilions. It feels more like the woods, & season kissing season with the blessed promise of winter in the colder crisper silver air. But just straight-up orange/ yellow/ brown feels like hell & floods us with genuine DREAD.
Something we realized, with these "time-locked" triggers: SUMMER APPLES ARE SAFE. AUTUMN ONES ARE NOT??? The latter are too closely tied to FARMS and some unidentified terror from picking/ eating apples in the backyard? But yes; this ALSO relates to APPLE PREP/ FLAVORS-- summer apples are fresh, bright, clear, juicy, etc.-- autumn apples are warmed/ cooked and more mellow? And summer apples typically have NO spice. Summer leans GREEN, autumn leans BROWN.



post-lunch//

Ziti with sauce & parmesan, breaded chicken w/ provolone? apple & grape juice, 2 tea 2 creamer, 1 salt 2 pepper

ZITI)
it had the SOFTEST texture AND EVEN TASTED SAFE!!
VFW dinners. Surprisingly, TOTALLY SAFE! Ziti shape is oddly "harmless" & comforting? Possibly from church/ school associations from of old. That actually gives us GREAT HOPE: like the hose-company eggs, this foods reminds us of home & neighbors, that sense of small town community & fondness that our heart honestly craves and wants SO BADLY to be PART of again. Well, tasting AND eating that blessedly "common food" NOW feels like a glowing promise that we CAN be part of that communion now, when we go home to our hometown.

JUICE)
Grape is foamy & surprisingly tart! It's in a weird place, both scary AND positive-- its "good" memories are vague & conceptual (Christmas "wine" as a kid, mainly), but legit? Yet it WAS a binge/ abuse food, too. Still, GRAPES = JESUS so there's GUARANTEED healing whenever we remember that!
Apple didn't register; we CAN'T LOOK AT IT or that INCREASES trauma terror, MORESO THAN THE TASTE!!! There is a LOT of memory-fear there. Pray to Jesus for help with that. Trust Him & remember, TRAUMA & ABUSE ARE ULTIMATELY INCAPABLE OF REAL CORRUPTION. The God-created core is pure.

SAUCE)

The "dried tomato" flavor is DIFFERENT enough from memory to muffle/ allay most trauma responses, BUT it's still a little anxiety-inducing; not as much as it used to be, though? I hope! Pray for that, please. Mom & Lou (and grandpa) really enjoy their tomatoes and honestly it breaks my heart that I've been to terrified to JOIN them in that yet. THAT'S what I hate the MOST about this eating disorder-- it puts WALLS up between me and ALL other people... AND between me & total devotion to GOD, which INCLUDES love of neighbor! So eat the tomatoes and GIVE THANKS for communion!!

CHICKEN)
The best one so far, shockingly, ESPECIALLY since SAUCE IS SAFE WITH CHICKEN PARM, NOT PASTA?? That's fascinating. No particular memory but associated solid longterm & fondly with our dear mom. The breading was so nice. We had a few odd bites BUT avoided actually eating it separately or mincing the chicken. Unfortunately we did mostly eat the sauce off, and "stacked" the cheese bits. Don't do stuff like that, it's silly! And of course, it's apparently disordered. Please, learn to lovingly eat things as a PROPER UNITED WHOLE, just as God presents them to you!!

CHEESE)
Parmesan is, thankfully, still safe to taste, due solely to heavy childhood meal resonance. USING it is scary as we fear a return migraine, but none have happened yet-- it might only occur with actual hard cheese. The slice on the chicken seemed to be provolone, which unfortunately IS still trauma-touched, from TBAS. That trauma is HARD to heal as the roots are so strong, and the fear equally so. TBAS trauma foods feel like eating poison. But, we put that thought bravely aside & reminded ourself, THEIR actions DO NOT define reality! They AREN'T the authority over our life! Lastly... grandpa liked chicken parm. HE liked provolone cheese, so we held to love of him instead and that got us TRULY through, safely.



post-dinner//

grilled cheese! / rosemary potatoes /  whole milk / 2 ketchup / 2 salt / 3 pepper / 2 creamers 2 teas

MILK)
(we don't know who the heck keeps writing these but they are explicitly disturbing. hidden for safety.) )

POTATOES)
Home fries style! Those AREN'T SCARY; both their texture & taste are positively comforting, and with the ketchup we get SOLID MEMORY of the THORNHURST HOSE COMPANY! So the POTATOES have that one, moreso than the eggs! That's cool. But yes, we enjoyed them thoroughly. HOWEVER. Potatoes = OUR LADY OF LA SALETTE, who earnestly implored us to honor the Sabbath, although "taking a day of rest for God" seemed like "a small thing," not matching its momentous true significance. BUT it's the sign of the Covenant, a MANDATE from GOD HIMSELF if "nothing else"; a total conscious visible active sign & sacrament that SEPARATES us from the industry-idolatry of the world and making work a "god," turning us regularly & ever more strongly to the ONE TRUE GOD by prayer & worship & peace. He mandated it FOR US, for our spiritual health, bodily refreshment, and TOTAL JOY! So no, it is NOT small; it is VERY BIG! And it "costs" nothing but CHARITY. So honor it ever more sincerely & totally! Leave the world behind and focus on HEAVEN, our origin and goal and TRUE HOMELAND. If I don't... well. Hence the reminder of the potatoes. I MUST, for God.
LASTLY. When God gives you food direction, OBEY HIM, even if it seems "inconsequential" or odd-- that's the purpose of FAITH!! We didn't leave enough ketchup for the grilled cheese (we kept dipping potatoes in it) & took the garbage to shamefully get more. We're truly sorry. Disobedience only hurts!
DON'T TAKE ANY ITEMS OUT OF THE GARBAGE PILE TO "GET MORE OUT," like ketchup & creamer. That is SUPER gross and makes us feel like an animal. Respect yourself! Be dignified!

GRILLED CHEESE)
WONDERFUL AS ALWAYS. We can't deny, we do enjoy them so much, even with the odd orange cheese. No complaints! It was truly lovely. It would have been lovelier with ketchup, judging from the one bite we got, but we messed up today ↑ so we lost out. Yet it STILL worked out, by God's grace-- we were humbled & taught a very important correction of behavior, we were given a preview of what we can have next time when we DO obey, and we were given the key initial opportunity to just purely & simply enjoy & experience the sandwich as-is. Grilled cheese will always remind us of grandma. We cut ours into triangles, too, just for her. ♥ ...I've actually been dreaming about her every night since I'm here, and caring for her, loving her, remembering her. I know she's watching over me & praying for me & loving me, too. ♥ I'll continue to do my very best, for her, and for her daughter, my dear mother. All together, with God guiding us in His love, we'll get through this!!



A VITAL REALIZATION: WE STILL GET CLOCK-BASED TRAUMA!!!
When the sun goes down around 7PM-8PM, but people are awake & watching TV & talking & "preparing to DO things" instead of sleeping, WE FEEL TOTAL DREAD. THAT WAS THE DANGER-TIME CONTEXT IN CNC, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!! So YES we are going to get anxiety attacks & feelings of impending doom & despair & terror at night! It's a learned response to a VERY emphasized & consistent trigger! YES we are shaking & nauseous & scared & want to cry like a lost child BECAUSE NOW WE CAN EXPRESS THAT FEAR WE BURIED AND DENIED AS THE FORMATIVE TRAUMA EVENTS WERE OCCURRING. Honestly though, the fact that we CAN and ARE sharing a FEAR response is a DOOR TO HEALING, because it is NOT IN DENIAL!! It clearly indicates that there IS trauma, and we DIDN'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN. It reveals that there IS a wound, and points to it. So be aware of the chronic, unavoidable trigger, and prudently prepare to face it, with the grace & peace of Christ!!
A GREAT way to override that negative association is to instead consciously focus on a super positive one that ALSO has deep, repeated roots-- staying up late & "waiting" awake on HOLY SATURDAY & CHRISTMAS EVE! ♥ So anchor your heart in THOSE, and let God soothe your anxieties.



post-snack//

Cheddar Sun Chips / Bengal spice tea with 2 creamer

Remaining troubles to fix:
Ripping open the bag!!
+ Oversqueezing the tea bag
+ Licking our fingers
+ Shoving whole chip in mouth?
+ Obsessive crumb eating
+ ↑ using a SPOON to do so
+ "must ONLY eat crumbs first"

★ Cheese itself feels dirty; negative "spoiled milk" vibe?? Milk = dirty misbelief in any case; healing that straight, but cheese hasn't been affected OR directly tackled (yet!).
We feel like a RAT eating it-- not a little mouse, but a fat sewer rat!!
It's VERY difficult to "stay human" in our mental image as we eat it, because of that intense dirty feeling. The ONLY nousfoni who gets PULLED out is that long-haired messy teen, unwashed & manic, who eats with her fingers & GOBBLES things. SHE'S A BINGER!!! Which PROVES the "I'm out of control = I'm not worthy of humanity = I'm a filthy animal" thought train there, sadly. That poor girl with unwashed hair & pockmarked face (and SCHOOL CLOTHES??) is a vital snapshot of some VERY old & unfortunately powerful toxic core beliefs.

Perhaps try the cheddar chips once more? Not tomorrow; give it a mental break to refresh & try again clearly. But SOON. In the meantime, focus on:
(1) healing CHEESE
(2) investigating the "DIRTY" terror?
(3) DON'T RIP BAGS!!!
(4) FIND someone who CAN eat cheese?

THE "FILTHY" FEELING IS ONLY TIED TO ORANGE CHEESE???
White/yellow cheese can be humiliating, & their aftertaste triggers the "baby spit-up" fear, BUT THEY DON'T FEEL "DIRTY!" That's fascinating.
do OTHER orange foods do this? does COLOR affect our reactions TO "dirt" labelling of foods?? as opposed to just "WE'RE dirty for dropping/ spilling" in general?



prismaticbleed: (worried)


pre-breakfast//

Going to try less structured notes to allow more datalogging despite brain fog/ overwhelm/ illness/ exhaustion:

Morning sunrise prayers. Stood at window & talked to God.
+ Out soul is inescapably, undeniably RED, no matter how much we may resist that out of shame/ guilt. God said Red is NOT EVIL, but it is LIFE, the first color of it (BLOOD) and the closest to earth ('adam), SO when Man (earth & blood; bios & zoe) fell, RED carried the brunt of it. BUT IT'S NOT "LOST" OR EVIL, just sick from sin.
JESUS'S COLOR IS RED, as He clothed Himself IN physical human life, WITH WHITE, His purifying Divinity!
+ We ARE Fire, "a gift from God,"created TO BLESS! Said fire is NOT "uncontrollable"; that is DISORDER. Fire only destroys in order to FUEL NEW LIFE. Fire gives light & heat & comfort; it purifies metal, melts the frozen, & prepares food. etc. Fire is GOOD, as are ALL God's creatures. But God emphasized "TAMING" fire, via torches & lamps & CANDLES: beeswax for charitable industry, and the wick as PRAYER!! The white wax is GOOD WORKS to channel our power into, and the wick is PRAYER to FOCUS our burning. Then of course the AIR that lets us burn at all is God's Holy Spirit. So BE A CANDLE; be a lamp set on a lampstand for the glory of God! DON'T QUENCH THE FIRE OF GOD'S SPIRIT IN YOU. Do not deny or hide or run from or be ashamed of what GOD created you to be. LIVE AS HE WILLS.
+ Bloodwork lady with BABY JESUS MEDAL! ♥ Talked about our devotion to Him, and our love of our children/ brothers. Discussed gift of Halloween: "put on masks in order to unmask our soul"-- what "costumes" we wear/ choose actually reveal "who/ what we WANT to be" deep within. LOTS of thought-provoking truth there. She also gave me a GEMSTONE SHARK STICKER that her son made! We will treasure it. (ALSO, sharks are a HUGE childhood connection, so admitting and OWNING that fact is helping us re-build that bridge between "now & before," reuniting our adult Self TO our childhood Self, and learning to both recognize & reintegrate our own heart. That process is ESSENTIAL & INDISPENSABLE to our healing AND our wholeness as a person/ human in general!!


post-breakfast//

French toast, green tea & vanilla soy, 2 creamers

FRENCH TOAST)
POSITIVE= grandma making it; childhood breakfasts; mom vacations (stuffed)
NEGATIVE= CNC & inane memes; trying to make it myself; binge-choking
We MUST begin our meals with CHOOSING CONSCIOUS HONEST GRATITUDE. We've become too habituated to control/ pleasure, sinfully, and so we kneejerk complain. "No butter? No syrup?" No! Because God said "Not with this meal!" HE KNOWS BEST so TRUST HIM and THANK HIM! We first needed to face it PLAIN and deal with its OWN unique experience, because butter & syrup ADD THEIR OWN!!
+ Jesus guided us in speed & manner the whole time. ♥ He warned us to be mindful of "the appearance of evil" in our eating behavior, avoiding even "neutral" choices that may nevertheless "trigger" or negatively inspire others, or that would embarrass/ inconvenience others if I was SHARING a meal: notably, cutting off the crusts into small pieces & eating them separately. Jesus DID understand AND advise that I still need to take smaller bites, BUT He had me practice taking them AS bites, NOT mincing up the french toast itself! That is normalized behavior and will not arouse suspicion or negatively impact observers. Set a good example, ALWAYS.
+ Texture was dry; next time, SAVE THE SOYMILK to iWITH it. That will also prevent "sugar-seeking" additions; we've been given enough!!
+ "Saving certain bites for last/ always eating certain parts first" is OBSESSIVE and MUST be relaxed. It is NOT REQUIRED to separate textures; in fact that's DISORDERED & DISUNITIVE! Let go of that "pleasure-seeking" habit, and instead treat EVERY bite as a gift from God, so each bite is EQUALLY met with mindful gratitude, instead of "reserving" that attention for the first & last only. We ate at HIS direction, and every bite was lovely in that obedient, thankful trust. Do so always. ♥

SOYMILK)
HEALING PROCESS: we did a little more, but couldn't do much "realtime" re-association (that can ONLY occur IN TANDEM with REALTIME sensory data to associate WITH) yet. Imagining Dad laughing with us, arm around our shoulder, happy & close. The more we saturate the chronosphere with hope & positivity "offline," outside of meals & actual direct re-entry, the more effective and ABLE we will be able to heal when we go "online," hopefully tomorrow. The groundwork MUST be built up before/ after, too!!
(show mercy!) WE SPILLED SOME when we went to pour it, AND trying to use the straw. Please, AVOID THE STRAW if possible? It's too humiliating & triggering yet. God we need to heal THAT TOO, though, to prevent complaining & "special treatment." Please help prepare our hearts for such healing, to be able to drink from a carton & straw WHENEVER that is what we must do to obey, and/or to be humble. Until then, ONLY POUR INTO A (MOSTLY) EMPTY CUP; trying to pour tiny bits SPILLS. So now we know, and have been justly humbled BECAUSE we were "mixing" too much, tea & milk & creamer-- a VERY disordered, dissociated behavior! Again, thank God for the loving lesson & chastisement. Now we can act with more propriety, maturity, self-control & humble simplicity.

GREEN TEA + CREAMER)
POSITIVE = different Borders girl: no mania or anxiety, very peaceful, FAITH tangible! Foggy/ rainy peace vibe.
NEGATIVE= tied to Q time period w/ Genesis; old "Parnassus" bad vibes. Feeling of oncoming dread.
We squeezed the bag too hard, trying too hard, & broke the bag. It was a humiliating warning to not be so obsessive over "every last drop."
CAFFEINE HIT HARD. Be careful, please, if/ when we drink this again-- don't steep so long! It's SUPPOSED to be mild!



post-lunch//

A veggie burger w/ cheese, whole milk, 2 tea & 2 creamer, 2 s&p, 2 ketchup, 1 relish.

Our biggest obstacles:
(1) COMPLAINING: "I don't like/ enjoy the veggie burger's taste."
(2) COMPULSIVE, IMPROPER CONDIMENT USE: "must get salt & pepper" but NO ONE puts those on a burger!!
(3) PRIMARY GOAL AS "EGOCENTRIC EXPERIENCE": focusing too much on finding/ processing memories & emotions VIA FOOD, seeing food as a TOOL or CONCEPT instead of as GOD'S NOURISHMENT.
(4) ANXIETY AS LACK OF FAITH: triggers disordered behaviors to return, causes dissociation, & blocks grace. Our body WILL get sick & our mood WILL drop, making the meal a "void" UNTIL WE RETURN TO PRAYER!!

+ Immediate guilt/ shame panic response after taking condiments.
(1) "I don't really like/ want these; I shouldn't have taken any"
(2) "I sinned by taking them so selfishly/ sensuously; I didn't ask Jesus first"
(3) "BUT they're on my tray so now I HAVE to eat them"
(4) IMMEDIATE disordered "exit door" behavior: attempting to eat the condiments solo to get rid of them
ALSO, (5) "but I HAVE to eat them to find our what memories/ associations are attached to them!" OR, "grandpa liked ketchup/ relish SO since I love him I MUST also eat those foods" (AND/OR relive those memories)

BURGER)
Burnt taste? Mushroomy. Not a "fan" of the flavor, so we felt mentally "grumbly"??? WHY DOES THE TASTE MATTER TO YOU. BE GRATEFUL & STOP BEING SO ENTITLED. // In kinder words: not every food will match our personal taste. THAT IS OKAY! They DON'T HAVE TO. Not "liking" a flavor is NOT "rejecting God's Creation." BUT complaining about it IS!! I am SURE we can learn to be sincerely grateful for a food EVEN IF it's "not our favorite" so to speak. God knows best; our opinion is humbly unimportant.
PLEASE take advantage of plurality for this! Like the morning bagel guy, I am SURE we can "find" someone inside whose personal resonance DOES match the food, and so WILL like it, and therefore DIRECTLY & CONCRETELY replace the very grumbling with TRUE gratitude. This will ALSO greatly increase our capacity for human empathy, communion, & relatability. ALL human beings eat, and have unique experiences & opinions & tastes. That IS NOT MORALLY WONG! It's a part of  the kaleidoscopic wonder of God's bounteous Creativity & human individuality! And the more we can connect with that as a starting point, the more completely we can connect with PEOPLE, in genuine compassion & understanding & loving community!
+ There, admittedly, WAS a "snapshot" of a potential somebody, in a woodsy farmhouse setting (like the homestead), sitting outside in a pasture beneath the trees & beside an old barn, a cow grazing beside them. They RESONATED with the pale-neutral burger flavor, touching subtly on pale green like Sergei's? But no personal appearance data, other than the slight resonance with old grass-kissed overalls & a warm straw sunhat & maybe garden gloves & old gardening boots (brown) like grandma's-- outfits tend to manifest sooner than hair & faces do-- it's FAR too early & lacking in anchorage for that to occur. But! There's sincere potential! The only issue is that it cannot strengthen WITHOUT the direct association function anchor data input. So! Remember them for next time!

KETCHUP & RELISH)
We licked ONE ketchup packet and were SO ashamed; we were also sorely tempted to eat the relish packet but didn't. Still, we felt SUCH regret when we put them on the burger. It felt SO compulsory; we felt like we "ruined it" as well. Only Christ got us through that.
The ketchup overload squeezed out onto our hand, a DEEPLY HUMILIATING chastisement. We felt SO dirty & piggish; self-respect dropped. It felt like a direct consequence of "compromising our moral values"; compulsion/ greed/ ego instead of temperate simplicity.
✖ Likewise, the relish not only LOOKS like vomit, we were so disgusted with ourselves for it AND nauseated by it that we were trying to scrape it off the burger with our teeth in shame, like hiding evidence of sin. MORE profoundly humiliating chastisement for our choice! Yet EVEN NOW I feel like I have to apologize to grandpa because pickles are HIS food-- but NOT pickles on burgers!! REMEMBER THAT so we don't force datamashes accidentally like this OR trigger compulsive deconstruction/ disordered condiment consumption anymore!!
★ SIMILARLY, ketchup is ONLY tied to Grandpa because of Farmer's Market fries & Hose Company Breakfast eggs, NOT as straight ketchup!! And we KNOW that data already. We're not obligated to re-live it every chance we get because we miss him. Those memories CAN be re-lived OUTSIDE of meals, too!! BUT the sensory data brings it "into the Now," making it TANGIBLE and REAL, helping to repair our whole historical Self by VALIDATING the experiences OF those memories AS OURS, NOW. So that IS important, we must admit. STILL. THERE ARE PROPER CIRCUMSTANCES. You CANNOT eat relish packets as a sign of mourning. When God gives you a LEGIT pickle, though? THAT is something Grandpa ate, AS he would eat it! THAT way the EXPERIENCE IS REALISTIC!!
★ THAT'S our key to healing this! Grandpa NEVER ate relish OR ketchup packets, OR put them on burgers! STACKING HIS ASSOCIATED FOODS CANNOT BRING US CLOSER TO HIM, because it is FORCED, DISORDERED, & ARTIFICIAL. Literally the ONLY way to truly visit his chronospheres is to do so IN LIKE MANNER WITH HIM. THAT'S part of the empathy, too, that we talked about with the burger-- it MUST come through COMMON SHARED EXPERIENCE, and NATURALLY so!!!
★ PARTICULAR food combos and preparations yield PARTICULAR memories/ associations, and due to the vividness of that data, they RARELY overlap!! SO DON'T FORCE ARTIFICIAL COMBOS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE DISORDERED OR COMPULSIVE. Eat what you're given AS it is given, as PURE & SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE!

Some final important notes on our lunch lessons:

SALT & PEPPER)
We should NOT have taken salt & pepper, BUT we acted in ignorance: at the time, we assumed that they were "UNIVERSAL CONDIMENTS" and therefore COULD be added to anything-- and in our habituated compulsiveness, we incorrectly & impulsively concluded that we therefore MUST add them to everything. B&W thinking, again. We were SO ashamed, putting them on the burger. We FELT how dis-ordered it was, and wanted to hide in humiliation.
★ Jesus SPECIFICALLY told us we DIDN'T HAVE TO EAT THEM, BUT He let us put them on the burger anyway-- yet ONLY half, at His direction-- so we could have DIRECT experience AS to why s&p don't go on burgers: "rational data" to oppose compulsions with. And oh boy, did that work! It was DISGUSTING, haha. So NOW WE KNOW. And DON'T feel guilty for that "judgment"!!! We LIKE salt and pepper both, BUT DISORDERED USE DISTORTS THEM, to the point where you "morally" SHOULDN'T "like" them IN THAT DISTORTED STATE because it is then, essentially, NOT "TRULY ITSELF." So yeah, when they're abused, they're gross, BECAUSE ABUSE/ DISORDER IS GROSS. Remember this!!!


TEA)
Pure & simple, no trouble; only association is mom/ Astra and surprisingly non-anxious "kitchen memory" vibes? Maybe explore that, actually-- try one w/o creamer & just see if that elicits anything. If not, that's fine; now we know.
+ Actually, TRY to stop drinking half of both & pouring one into the other; that is OBVIOUS disordered behavior too. Really, in general, STOP MIXING. God's Creation was all about HOLY SEPARATION, ALL such "distinction" being INHERENTLY GOOD & TRUE!!! Go re-read Genesis, & Haim Shore's commentary on it! This forced hypercombining we keep doing (for yet-unknown reasons!!), this mashing up data & destroying unique individuality & mangling proper harmonizations... honestly it's demonic. It's going from order to destruction. It is, I repeat, DISORDERED both physically & morally and it MUST STOP! So pray about it, please. God WILL help us, as long as we admit our great need, contritely confess our sins, admit our helplessness and run to Him like the clumsy yet trusting child we are.


WHOLE MILK)
this paragraph is explicitly triggering. hidden for safety. )



post-dinner//

Apple, chicken tenders, butter, mashed potatoes // 2 tea, 2 creamer, 3 s&p, 1 ketchup, 1 relish

+ We DISLIKE ketchup & it's EMPTY DATA. Relish is NOT just pickle; also cabbage & pepper. So ditch it. Too much LOUD vinegar in both, too. (That infogain is WHY Jesus let us try it just once more. Now we can INFORMEDLY stop.)
+ Salt overload; allowed here only to teach that & help blood pressure. TEMPERANCE. Practice cutting down to 1. Overuse is DISORDERED too!
+ 2 creamers in one tea, other plain. Same data as always, both are neutral good, so no worries there. No combining this way, too!
+ Chicken tenders ARE tender! Easy to chew & tasty; they have immediate SHS lunch memories (positive). A happy food. We resisted the compulsion to eat the breading off! And we cut them into medium pieces, NO mincing or hyperchewing. Some breaded bits made us think of mom's chicken parmesan, & also echoed the breading on fish at restaurants; family fondness with each.
★ We imagined eating this, or a similar meal, WITH mom, thinking: "If I did this (behavior) while she was there (watching & associated with me), would she be ashamed or embarrassed? Would such a behavior reflect badly on her, or make people raise their eyebrows at me (as it was abnormal)?" And I'm telling you, now THAT is a supereffective "behavior compass" to follow!! It's anchored in LOVE & RESPECT, not ego! So DO THAT at EVERY meal!! ♥
+ Mashed potatoes looked "threatening" (WHY? just "potato allergy/ panic" symptom fear? "Carb terror"?) BUT they were straight-up KFC flavor. INSTANT childhood association, positively! But again, that odd anxious/ nervous ambience. (Fear of misbehaving/ discipline?) Imagined family smiling, saying grace together, GIVING me the potatoes ("we know you like them, so help yourself"), and telling little us, "We're glad you're here." Relief. ♥ (So far, the kids in these memories are SHOCKED to be treated with compassion & inclusion.)



post-snack//

quick snack notes: NO MORE FRUIT TEA ATTEMPTS. we want to puke. they ALL have bloody hibiscus which tastes SHARP and LOUD and it's so acidic it CURDLES THE CREAMER. so we're legitimately sick right now, and nauseous, and angry? we feel oddly disgusted with ourself. we forgot to taste it plain so NOW we feel FORCED to "try it again" because we have this panicked compulsion that we MUST know what it tastes like and we MUST LIKE IT or we are an ignorant, closed-hearted, selfish and pompous ass. WHY. We DON'T like fruit tea and we DON'T want to have to try everything but we feel FORCED & COMPELLED TO and we want to cry like a sick child. Our stomach hurts. We're miserable. Oh and EVEN WORSE, we got the Cheddar Sun Chips to "bravely tackle TWO fear foods" because oddly cheese FLAVOR is terrifying? And chips are DIRTY food, sticky & crumby & staining your fingers wrong and gross. We feel SO DIRTY when we eat chips. It's humiliating. It's such a horrible trauma trigger. So the chips made our outside scary, and the tea made our inside scary. WHY CAN'T WE FREELY SAY NO??? I DON'T WANT TO DRINK FRUIT TEA PLEASE. But this internal cruel voice replies, "Tough sh*t! You don't GET to decide. You do what you're told! And stop being such a rebellious brat!!!" WHY. Saying "no" to the tea that SOMEONE ELSE LIKES-- especially our dear grandma; didn't SHE like orange tea? We want to weep-- means REJECTING THEM. I feel so helpless.
What do we do. We DON'T LIKE FRUIT TEA and now we're gonna be SCARED too, remembering tonight and how SICK & NAUSEOUS our poor body feels!! God, dear Jesus our Savior, please make something good result from this. Help us stop complaining and carry this cross with You. Help us to FORGIVE ourself, too, and not be angry or hateful at the food either. Help us not to throw up please because we REALLY want to. But... not giving in to that terrified urge will help our recovery SO MUCH. We have learned to "run away" from this sort of suffering instead of enduring it for Christ. Wow. I guess THAT'S the Good that can come out of this. God I hope so. Please help us. I just noticed we got a TINY spot of cheese on our clean shirt and we want to die. We feel SO DIRTY. like our soul is gross & filthy. stupid ugly stinky disgusting cheese. I hate it. it's evil. God help and forgive me.
I need help. I can't forgive myself for being so PIGGISH and GROSS and STINKY and DIRTY!!!
I want to cry
i want to sleep
im so humiliated
so ashamed
im SO stupid
i try to act so smart & mature
im just an idiot

im sorry God

please

let me just sleep ok

i love You

im sorry im so dumb

im sorry my body and soul are
so dirty
wrong
disgusting

please

make me pure and clean again

im so sorry



good night i guess







LET YOURSELF FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS!!!! BURYING, DENYING, INVALIDATING, &/OR SUPPRESSING THEM CAUSES THIS-- AN IMPLOSION & EXPLOSION BOTH!!!






prismaticbleed: (shatter)


THOUGHTS affect our BEHAVIORS & EMOTIONS. What we THINK affects how we act & feel.
BEHAVIORS affect our THOUGHTS & EMOTIONS. What we DO affects how we think & feel.
EMOTIONS affect our THOUGHTS & BEHAVIORS. What we FEEL affects what we think & do.

★ Thoughts = Cool tones? // Emotions = Warm tones? // Behaviors = Neutral tones?

THOUGHTS ARE NOT OBJECTIVELY FAULTLESS!! THEY CAN BE FALSE, TOXIC, DISTORTED, ETC.! THEY CAN ALSO BE ILLOGICAL!!
We don't seem to know many thought-based nousfoni??? LOOK FOR THEM! They're probably ANCIENT

EMOTIONS are INHERENTLY TIED TO THOUGHTS! As most nousfoni we deal with are EMOTION-ANCHORED, that means their ULTIMATE roots are THOUGHTS!!! That is a GAME CHANGER!!!
many Brown nousfoni fall under RED/ ORANGE and THAT'S why they are so volatile & emotional???

Besides achromes, do some "pastels" hold "behavior" functions, if this color theory is correct? Could THEY be beneficial SOCIALS???
"WISE MIND" nousfoni are FUSION HUES like PURPLE!!!


"If you let your negative thoughts go unchallenged, then you will begin to feel negative emotions."
+ THAT is why we MUST fill our thoughts with the Word of God!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THOUGHT RECORDS

(originally written in realtime, as far as possible.)

SITUATION / EVENT = What was going on? Where were you? Who was there?
THOUGHTS =
What went through your mind? How much did you believe those thoughts (0-100)?
FEELINGS / EMOTIONS = What emotions did you experience? How intense was each emotion (0-100)?
BEHAVIOR = How did you act? What did you do?

(092122)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Writing about lunch experience mistakes in journal
+ Alone, at unit table

THOUGHTS =
+ "I keep making such foolish decisions without thinking" (100)
+ "Why am I so ruled by compulsion and emotions?" (90)
+ I feel like I'm inherently broken" (70)

EMOTIONS =
+ Shame (100)
+ Anger (50)
+ Despair (30)
+ Numb (20)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Mood started to drop
+ Feeling self-loathing


#2

SITUATION =
+ Blood pressure taken by Chris w/ beard
+ IMMEDIATELY after journaling

THOUGHTS =
+ "I hope I'm being socially proper/ nice/ friendly/ agreeable/ entertaining enough"
+ He seems OK with us; I guess I'm not that bad after all"

EMOTIONS =
+ Happy (50)
+ Dissociated (60)
+ Anxious (30)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Smile
+ Forgot about problems
+ "Social mode"


#3

SITUATION =
+ Chris left, bluntly, after getting our blood sugar
+ We tried to sound like we were "knowledgeable"; mimicking his speech

THOUGHTS =
+ "Why can't I keep my dumbass mouth shut" (100)
+ "Stop being so proud & a kissass" (100)
+ "I hate how I act around people" (100)

EMOTIONS =
+ Anger (70)
+ AWFUL SHAME & humiliation (100)
+ Self-loathing (90)
+ Fear of rejection & disdain/ judgment (90)
+ Self-harm thoughts (60)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Wanted to hide away & dissociate
+ Wanted to ignore world


#4

SITUATION =
+ dinner out on the unit
+ person SCREAMING psychotically in adjacent ward like our brother used to
+ at table alone, with nurse & two other patients across room

THOUGHTS =
+ "That sounds just like our brother"
+ "God help that poor person"
+ "I'm scared of what this is making me remember"
+ "I feel unsafe"
+ "They can't hurt me though; they don't even know I'm here"

EMOTIONS =
+ Terror (85)
+ Panic (50)
+ Pity (80)
+ Fear (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Tried not to focus on it
+ Deep breathing
+ Closed eyes
+ Reminding myself "they can't get in here, they can't get at me"
+ Tried to stay grounded


(092622)

#1

SITUATION =
+ got a fluid tracking sheet as I went over the limit once
+ sitting at table, doing solo work
+ staff member walked up and gave it unannounced

THOUGHTS =
+ "I just won't drink ANY water then"
+ "I can't forgive myself for being so stupid & arrogantly thinking "I'd be fine" with drinking all that water last week"
+ "They'll never forget this. I'll never be forgiven."
+ "I feel SO ashamed & condemned/ humiliated"

EMOTIONS =
+ SHAME (100)
+ Despair (90)
+ Self-loathing (100)
+ Anger (85)
+ Sadness; disappointed (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Withdrew into self
+ Hid paper
+ Terrified TO drink water
+ Gave up hope of improvement


#2

SITUATION =
+ Art/ music group
+ At table, alone
+ Staff & patients nearby in room

THOUGHTS =
+ "Oh no, they're playing MORE triggering songs"
+ "I CANNOT cope with this"
+ "I'll never be able to get over this; it's too unavoidable & intense"
+ "I'm so scared; I want to run & hide"
+ "Why am I SO strongly disturbed by SOUNDS & music?"

EMOTIONS =
+ ABSOLUTE PANIC (100)
+ Terror/ dread (100)
+ Hatred (90)
+ Rage/ violence (80)
+ Despair/ hopeless (100)
+ Existential panic (100)
+ Self-hatred (95)
+ Numbness (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Want to throw up
+ Want to scream & sob
+ Want to run away & hide
+ Want to break the guitar
+ Want to die so I can be safe/ free
+ Shaking & dissociating
+ Hate self for being like this
+ Trying not to meltdown
+ Writing this so I can dissociate a bit


#3

SITUATION =
+ asked for milk option; chose a BIG fear food
+ Alone at table
+ Staff member asking
+ Art group nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "I MUST stop being a coward & pick that fear food already"
+ "CHOCOLATE IS A SEX FOOD + TRAUMA"
+ "CHOCOLATE WILL KILL YOU + INFECT YOU"

EMOTIONS =
+ GUILT (100)
+ Self-hatred (1000)
+ Self-disgust (100)
+ Fear for life (90)
+ PANIC (100)
+ Despair (100)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Told myself I HAD to face it or it'd haunt me FOREVER as that "unconquered fear"
+ Almost died BUT I DRANK IT


(102122)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Asked for milk option; chose the EASY/ USUAL option
+ Alone at table
+ Staff member asking
+ Other patients just resting nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "I don't know if I can handle that challenge today; I'm a bit stressed"
+ "YOU COWARD"
+ "STOP CHICKENING OUT AND FACE YOUR FEARS"

EMOTIONS =
+ RAGE (100)
+ Shame (100)
+ Guilt (100)
+ Anxiety (100)
+ (all this together was bad enough to make me shake)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Sat there & shook with anxious fear & guilty shame-panic for a few minutes
+ Decided I couldn't cope with the guilt; got up, went to staff, & picked the chocolate milk


#2

SITUATION =
+ Talking to nutritionist; mealplan increased; could choose either an extra CS or Ensure at each meal. Chose Ensure, then changed mind & chose CS. REGRETTED THIS.
+ In room with nutritionist & student assistant

THOUGHTS =
+ "Ensure will add sugar to EVERY meal, AND I'm still afraid it's "poison" from past illness"
+ "BUT an extra CS feels like gluttony/ binges"
+ "YOU F*CKING COWARD!!!"
+ "STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUGAR!"

EMOTIONS =
+ ABSOLUTE WRATH (1000)
+ PANIC (100)
+ Regret (100)
+ Guilt (100)
+ Shame (100)
+ LEGIT BLINDING INTENSITY

BEHAVIOR =
+ Freaked out at table; couldn't calm down
+ Got up & went to room; SELF-ABUSED!!!
+ Too angry to even let myself cry; did try
+ Staff came in; I told them the problem
+ Decided to stick it out until Monday, then tell team


(102322)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Before bed, looked at body in bathroom mirror; noticed the stomach is getting rounder & abdomen is thicker/ wider
+ In bathroom by my room
+ Alone

THOUGHTS =
+ "TBAS's body looks like this"
+ "It looks so feminine now; it's disgusting; it's so foreign & wrong"
+ "I don't want to look like a woman"
+ "I'm scared; is this my life now?"
+ "I look JUST LIKE my abusers now"

EMOTIONS =
+ DISGUST (100)
+ FEAR (100)
+ DESPAIR (100)
+ numb (90)
+ shame (90)
+ anger (80)

BEHAVIOR =
+ So disturbed & frightened that I went numb & dissociated HARD
+ Couldn't pull myself together; nearly forgot how to brush teeth
+ Kept having flashbacks; gave in to despair
+ Went to bed, feeling hollow & hopeless


(102422)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Kelsey asked for lunch exchanges; chose the HARD milk option, BUT chose an "easy" CS instead of "too much dessert" OR the suspectedly "self-abusive" Doritos
+ Alone at table
+ Art group nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "Doritos will just spike my panic right now"
+ "Am I doing the wrong/ cowardly thing by NOT choosing Doritos again?"
+ "Dad ALWAYS serves crisps with burgers; this is good loving practice for THAT"
+ "Is choosing the easier option going to make me a runaway coward again?"

EMOTIONS =
+ Confusion (80)
+ Anxiety (90)
+ Shame (70)
+ Worry (95)
+ Hope (80)
+ Frustration (80)
+ Struggling to ALLOW choices that AREN'T blatantly stressful

BEHAVIOR =
+ Asked for reassurance on choice
+ Explained the motives of my choice & doubts as to their validity if they weren't a "challenge"
+ DIDN'T BEAT MYSELF UP!
+ Didn't fall into a second-guessing spiral!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THOUGHT RECORD ASSESSMENT

Do you see any themes of patterns? Are there thoughts that appear many times?

LOTS of guilt/ shame, terror, rage, panic, humiliation, despair, self-hatred. OVERWHELM. Extreme emotional "yo-yo"-ing, catastrophizing, "perfectionistic" expectations-- things "only exist AS absolutes." Lack of self-integrity & stability; shutdown/ dissociation under stress. UNFORGIVING of own errors/ bad choices; "defining" self AS improper/ unwise decisions/ reactions.

How do I seem to see, or define myself?

Foolish, ignorant, helpless, "ruled by emotion," proud, "a kissass," "not nice enough," violent, manipulative, "socially unacceptable," "unwanted/ improper/ disgusting," constantly in danger, stupid, blind, uncaring, unforgivable, condemned, cowardly, hypocritical, cruel, selfish, "INHERENTLY BROKEN/ UNFIXABLE," BAD

How does this make me feel about myself?

Disgusted, hopeless, furious, HATEFUL. I have SO MANY OBJECTIVELY HARMFUL/ OFFENSIVE QUALITIES that WON'T GO AWAY, it seems IMPOSSIBLE to even TRY to "be good"; I'd just be a LIAR/ HYPOCRITE by "pretending NOT to be evil." I see myself as INHERENTLY, UNFIXABLY "BAD." And the worst part is I DON'T WANT TO BE, but I feel damned & stuck. It makes me suicidal on the worst days.

What assumptions might I have about other people & relationships?

Relationships can ONLY be "abusive" or toxic, BECAUSE OF ME. I ALWAYS damage/ abuse the other person until they hate me (rightfully) & cut off all contact. Relationships "only occur because you're trying to USE/ GET SOMETHING FROM the other person, by dishonestly "grooming" them to like you, blinding them to your corrupt motives & hidden cruel/ cold heart." OBJECTIFICATION!

How do these assumptions make me feel about other people & relationships?

Paradoxically, I WANT a relationship TO dote on someone & love them & live entirely for them, BUT THEY never want to meet that symbiotic yearning. They have "other interests" and I just become unwanted/ abusive from trying. I CANNOT "end a relationships" as I NEVER WANT TO so I get stuck even if they cast me off and/or neglect/ use me? I feel like a monster, bleeding them dry. BUT!!! I ALSO AVOID GENERAL SOCIAL INTERACTION because relationships are INHERENTLY INTIMATE & TOTAL; therefore ALL "casual interaction" is VIOLATION, abusive & terrifying & demanding ALL of me to be met with blithe emptiness. I LOSE MYSELF and CANNOT cope with the unrequited totality, OR the intensity OF giving it without intimacy? WHICH I STILL FEAR in those casual situations BECAUSE OF "ABSOLUTES"-- if they're NOT close NOW, then ALL "closeness" with them IS HOLLOW & FEELS LIKE RAPE.

How have your core beliefs & schemas influenced you (emotionally, physically, behaviorally, & socially)?

E= Chronic depression & rage; self-hatred; moral panic; no hope for real change; POLAR EXTREME emotional intensity
P= Isolating; want to "get rid of myself" (starving); self-abuse; wanting to be weak/ sedated/ "HARMLESS"
B= Perfectionistic people-pleasing; violently lashing out; try too hard OR give up; "good girl OR bad girl" (no middle ground)?
S= Avoiding all social interaction WHILE desperately WANTING to be superclose to people; either doting on or ignoring/ either adoring or resenting; "ALL OR NOTHING"

In what ways will you be more aware of your beliefs & schemas? What effect will this have?

Apparently, EVERYTHING is "black & white" for me. I need to learn HOW to see "gray" WITHOUT destroying my already-damaged moral compass.
I CANNOT "BE GOOD" IF I SEE MYSELF AS "IRREDEEMABLY BAD" & "UNFIXABLE; INHERENTLY BROKEN"-- and these two beliefs HAVE BEEN MADE UNTRUE BY THE DEATH OF CHRIST!!! His Cross CAN SAVE EVEN ME.

Identify some cognitive distortions in your thought record and list them.

- Only focusing on the bad
- Insisting that I, or something external, "must" or "should" be/ not be a certain way
- Assuming a catastrophic outcome (Negative consequence avalanches)
- Absolute self-judgments & condemnations
- Assuming I know how/ what others think
- Assuming that if I feel anxious I MUST be in trouble/ guilty
- Assuming that if I do/ don't do a certain action, a certain consequence WILL happen

What is the emotional affect these cognitive distortions have on you?

They make me MISERABLE! I feel incapable of doing well OR being good, causing despair/ self-hatred/ moral panic. I feel like I'm doomed to failure/ offense. I assume everyone is "secretly loathing me"? I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm paranoid, desperate, anxious, irritable, & cynical. I'm UNABLE TO "BE MYSELF" AT ALL! My emotions get STUCK in a negative tunnel-vision loop and eventually may numb out altogether, AND/OR EXPLODE.

How do these cognitive distortions affect your behavior?

I get VERY paranoid, rigid, & CONTROLLING, as well as perfectionistic? I try to "guess" EVERY possible threat, expectation, consequence, & obligation. I close out the world to avoid the constant stress. I dissociate & depersonalize, and resort to fawning & self-abuse. I avoid risks, I reject positivity, I procrastinate, I blameshift, etc. I'm a mess. I cannot think straight, and I CANNOT distinguish myself as a person! I'm a ball of nerves & rage & tears, and I CAN'T FUNCTION. (If I feel trapped/ threatened enough, I can ALSO give in to a blind reactive VIOLENCE.)

How do these cognitive distortions affect your sense of self?

It DESTROYS all sense of self, in truth-- I instead see "myself" as ONLY a conglomeration of "bad things," of sins & failures & offenses. I have NO "unique qualities," no goals or dreams, no hopes or interests-- the distortions turn me into a hollow "survival machine" seeing danger at every turn, yet "incapable of doing anything right." I feel DOOMED and therefore ALL "identity" is rejected & destroyed, except FOR anything destructive!! It's lethally ironic-- I BECOME" the distortions & disorder, once they "smother" everything of ME.

How do these cognitive distortions affect your relationships?

I can't maintain any, and WON'T make any. The distortions wrongly assume that EVERYONE is "abusive," in essence-- that they are constantly monitoring & judging my behavior, hate me/ are disgusted by me/ WILL punish or hurt me, etc. I assume that I CANNOT be a good influence to others, AND that others are "secretly out to take advantage of/ use/ destroy me"??? Thus assuming that ALL human contact will end in disaster/ abuse/ overwhelm, I avoid it completely. Relationships with family become strained & distant. Friendships implode.

Can you identify a strongly-held core belief of yours that may have influenced these distortions?

With relationships: "People only want me in order to use me"; "People only enter relationships/ talk to you in order to GET something from you." (Abuse/ Mom sourced)
In general: "I always mess up/ do things wrong"; "I am inherently a bad/ broken person"; "Trying to be my own person/ unique is WRONG/ SELFISH"; "I must always be useful"; "I must always be "appealing" to others"; "If I do one thing bad/wrong, it corrupts/ invalidates ALL the "good" I have ever done;" etc.

How will you be more aware of these distortions in the future? What impact will that have on your life?

First I MUST really look at those beliefs & find their roots! Then I can figure out WHY/HOW I developed those beliefs, ESPECIALLY under WHAT circumstances! Becoming aware of distortions AS distortions, in general, makes them easier to recognize. I must practice GENERATING & APPLYING healthy, positive, FACTUAL alternatives, REGULARLY, to diminish habits of distortion!

Did you learn anything about the way your brain works, or your style of thinking, from this process?

I CATASTROPHIZE A LOT!! I assume the "worst possible outcome." I ALSO beat myself up BRUTALLY, whenever I fail to meet my own perfectionist standards. I react based on emotionally-charged assumptions/ fears, instead of reasoning = I take my FEELINGS as facts, and they're typically VERY skewed, because I'm thinking of myself as inherently incompetent/ offensive/ helpless/ bad/ etc.

How can you remember to use CBT methods to challenge distorted thinking in everyday life?

LIVING AS OUR SYSTEM. We naturally "examine evidence" and "substitute" language; we use the "double standard" & "defining" methods in communication; we are brave enough TO "experiment," and being multiple ALWAYS involves us considering "cost-benefits"; "shades of gray," & "other possibilities," as well as "what-ifs." We're just learning how to "survey" outside!
In any case, though, regardless of applied methods, the infallible help is always PRAYER!!!!

What will get in the way of using these methods? How can you plan ahead to avoid these barriers?

GETTING SOLO-STUCK "DOWNSTAIRS." The BEST way to prevent/ break this is to KEEP UP REGULAR COMMUNICATION, so that it FINALLY becomes our DEFAULT again!! STILL, we ALSO NEED to find/ use TANGIBLE REMINDERS to "ping/ call" helpful people in tough situations. Regularly reviewing/ healing memories & mindsets is also vital, OUTSIDE of stressful times!

How does the new way of thinking, after challenging the old way, affect your emotions & behaviors?

IT STABILIZES our emotions, helps us control behavior, and generally restores our sense of selfhood. We're open & curious, ABLE to consider the bigger picture AND be compassionate with ourself. Negative emotions are SPOKEN TO AS PEOPLE, respected & heard & comforted, balancing their pain with hope WITHOUT rejecting their VALID REALITY! THEY are the keys to true & total healing; we MUST understand & work with them!

How does this new way of thinking impact your sense of self?

It ALLOWS us to exist AS THE FULL SPECTRUM, acknowledging ALL hues & opening doors of communication for them, giving us the opportunity to UNDERSTAND, COMMUNICATE, CONNECT, SYMPATHIZE, AND EMPATHIZE. By tuning into our TOTAL self & embracing ALL OF US, we CAN exist "outside" as well; the Socials are no longer tragically isolated & suppressed/ unhealthy!!

How would this new way of thinking influence your relationships?

By being open to such communication, understanding, & compassion, we CAN have healthy relationships in general, as we become empowered to face difficulties AND conquer/ assuage/ respect fears while honoring the needs of ALL involved! Treating ourself kindly, & thinking in a healthy manner, will also ENABLE us to be just as sincerely kind & compassionate to others, and to behave in a mutually healthy way-- no more toxic enabling!

What would life be like if you were able to consistently challenge your distorted thinking?

It would be so refreshing. We'd finally be "in control" of our thought processes, ABLE to CHOOSE how to respond, NOT REACT, in a sensible & beneficial & healthy way. We'd no longer be "enslaved" to negative assumptions & distortions. Our overall mindset will be brighter, clear, and full of hope & compassion. We will be more in touch with reality, AND our own beliefs/ thoughts! We will have a broader, wiser perspective. We will THRIVE.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CORE BELIEFS & AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS

+ IRONICALLY, listing our automatic negative thoughts is a GREAT way to "lure out" COMPASSION as it "externalizes" them? Hides self-applicability. Reading them triggers instinctive consolatory/ merciful responses, NOT agreement!!! START THERE to build genuinely balanced core beliefs; THAT'S already proof of ROOTS!!
+ A negative core belief ALSO invalidates positive thoughts; seeks its OWN "evidence" AGAINST them, as to why they're not REALLY positive. e.g. "Knowing all that trivia IS stupid," etc. Like a BULLY. Pushes you around & mocks you baselessly. CRUEL & RUDE.
+ Negative beliefs ignore all contradicting evidence and that is a demonic DENIAL OF TRUTH!!

+ Everyone has their own "distorted lenses" through which they see the world, and so everyone sees their own "realities"-- BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM TRUE!!!
CHRIST IS TRUTH AND GUESS WHAT.
HE LOVES ALL OF US UNCONDITIONALLY.
THAT'S REALITY, DESPITE OUR FAILURES.
WE'RE ALL LOVED AND THERE IS HOPE & HEALING FOR EVEN THE MOST BROKEN.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (drained)

post-breakfast//


We're obsessing over our past pains & trauma, our fears & anxieties, our internal complexities, and our external stimuli data FAR TOO MUCH. It's taking precious time, energy, attention, & effort away from GOD-- from knowing, loving, and serving Him-- and that WILL KILL US, if we let it continue. So. Let's simplify & purify. Let's center our mind & heart on Jesus Christ, as both our strength for the journey AND the Summit of our entire life, our TRUE and ultimate goal IN ALL THINGS. Stop hunting for trauma-drama & "the lust of the mouth" in every meal. STOP. Healing CANNOT be found in memory, taste, or thought. Our recovery, in EVERY aspect, CAN ONLY OCCUR THROUGH COMMUNION WITH CHRIST.
So reorient your life. Stop babbling so much on paper and PRAY instead. Whatever happened to mealtime Bible study? Get your priorities back in proper order!

General breakfast data:
+ Oatmeal, plain: neutral, earthy, humble, simple, warm. Virtuous qualities we too must embody. Resist all temptations to add indulgent sugars, especially creamer & soymilk-- that is DIS-ORDERED USE. It is MEANT to be meek & plain. Treasure that. Think of Christ's simple robes, and Franciscan habits.
Trying to "find" attached memories/ wounds recalls only addictive episodes of food abuse. There is NO NEED to relive them. Healing occurs through GRATITUDE & TEMPERANCE & TURNING THE HEART TO GOD. Healing happens NOW, and is inundated with COMPASSION & MERCIFUL FORGIVENESS. It is best & most prudent to visit these memories AFTER a meal? NOT to relive but to REWRITE. We MUST do that, but we should try to safely minimize that potential trauma exposure DURING a meal? Like, yes, if a memory comes up, acknowledge & respect it, BUT at that moment in realtime, ONLY SEND TENDER COMPASSION & CHRIST-CENTERED FOCUS. Fill that chronosphere with active HOPE, FAITH, & LOVE; then let it soak and go back to the present, to CONSCIOUSLY & GRATEFULLY EAT so dissociation doesn't trigger more "void panic." And PRAY ALWAYS, joyfully, with all thanksgiving. ALWAYS, especially after the meal, before you walk into those memories more deeply. Christ must work through us, for His glory!
Strawberry Greek yogurt. No memory/ trauma/ vibes at all? Surprisingly a purely simple experience. That was so refreshing; it gave us a moment of rest. The sole association was to grandma, only in a fond recollection, as we associate her with strawberries. I'm actually not sure why! Possibly the Ensure, and did she like strawberry shortcake? We should ask mom. But yes, other than that, the yogurt was just yogurt! It was a bit shocking, really-- we're so used to internal experiences taking precedent over, and co-occuring with, the external. Is this is what eating is like for normal people? Just pure, simple experience? Oddly, it gives us hope for healing: for meals as SHARED experience in community. You can't eat WITH others if you're buried inside YOURSELF. Be humbled!
+ Vanilla soymilk-- mixed with vanilla chai tea! HELLO BORDERS TYPING MEMORIES. It tasted JUST like the legit chai we used too drink. (TRY THE GREEN NEXT TIME!!) Sadly there is SO much anxious-depressed ambience there, turbulent beneath her borderline-manic creative overflow. BUT, once again, we felt at the heart of it all, a LACK OF RELIGIOUS FAITH/ HOPE/ LOVE, which is ALWAYS the ultimate cause of ALL our past depression, despair, anxiety, etc. And she FELT that emptiness beneath everything, despite her love of the League and the lovely fall weather and the cozy chai and the sweet silent time in solitude. When she listened to music & read manga & watched anime & wrote stories & played games, drowning in human creativity, her soul was STILL unsatisfied, unsettled-- restless without its true place of rest in God. So, as with ALL such chronospheres so far, the ONLY way to heal her heart is to BRING CHRIST TO HER. So... He came to her. He sat with her, and reassured her of a future with hope, the one in which WE live now-- of an end to the trauma, of a greater purpose to her life, of true joy and not vain entertainment, of love everlasting and true from the very Heart of Jesus, despite her scars. And she opened her heart to that, nervous with doubt born of trauma but now so, so ready to hope. She let His promises begin to soak in, and the taste of the chai became truly sweet at last. No, we can't literally change the historical past, but we CAN change our PERSONAL past, and that's VITAL.
+ We did add creamer, too, which completed the flavor memory. Plain soymilk still aches-- we took a few sips-- but now we discovered WHY: the ache is tied to DAD. He's upset, closed-off to her, and THAT is giving her the heartache. She desperately wants COMMUNION; she needs that family bond and it is so damaged. I wonder now if HE liked cornflakes, and if THAT'S why she's eating them, with the sweet vanilla that reflects the hope & core of her own heart, a heart now terrifyingly beginning to turn tasteless, even bitter. But right now, it's cornflakes and soymilk, together, in harmony. Dad & daughter. Even writing that I want to cry. God, I miss dad. So does she. She wants to sit & eat with him SO badly-- to watch the news & "shoot the bull" & laugh & begin the day of work together. THAT is what she needs to heal; I can feel the charity in her heart, the strong sprout of childhood faith lingering still, having been insulated by the Spinnys during high school, and it WILL bloom through the blessing of a family restored, her domestic church. Family and faith are POWERFULLY interconnected. Without faith, the family collapses; without family, faith is crippled. We STILL need this healing. THAT'S the most important point here: our CURRENT healing, AND our past healing, BOTH require PRESENT HEALING OF OUR FAMILY LIFE, especially in the places where we have experienced long-term lack or pain. Even as broken as it is now, GOD CAN HEAL IT, in the way HE deems best. TRUST HIM. Prayerfully give your beloved family to His Heart and TRUST that He WILL bring Life to all that has been hurt by death, by sin. Pray for Saint Monica's intercession too! There is ALWAYS HOPE, and God willing we will ALL be together in Heaven. Please, no matter WHAT happens, HOPE IN THAT. Hope in God's Mercy. Hope in Christ's Blood to save and heal us all. Rest in that. God loves all of us. He will seek and find the lost and bring them home to Him. BUT WE MUST COOPERATE WITH THAT LOVE, NOW. You, too, reach out and love!! Healing cannot happen in a vacuum! "Christ has no hands but yours!" So LOVE your family. COMMUNICATE with them. VISIT them. SERVE them. LOVE them. BE THERE for them, to meet their every need, as Christ meets yours! THAT is what it means to BE a Christian!!
+ RAISINS. They were instinctually labeled as a "fear food," but ONLY (again) because we ALWAYS used to abuse the poor things... "ab-use" like "dis-order." It's Improper dealings with God's creatures; distorting Life. They were always a binge/ addiction food, impossible to purge, and devastating our blood sugar. But the fault was ALWAYS OURS. The raisins were innocent. THEY don't "need forgiveness"-- WE DO. The raisins just became a "manifestation" of our guilt. Christ helped us heal by giving us positive associations to RE-ANCHOR them too: notably, they are GRAPES, the fruit of the vine, a symbol of Christ Himself... but exposed to SO much Light they are "bled dry" and become SO SWEET, a remedy & strength for those fainting & weak in the deserts.
+ More about the raisins: Jesus used the phrase "Nazirite vs Nazarene;" OT vs NT. We WERE avoiding grapes once we learned of old Nazirite vows, superstitiously terrified that if we DID eat raisins now that we had that knowledge, we would "profane ourselves." But GRAPES were okay, because of Jesus. What a hypocrite! We were just using religion to "justify" & mask our deep guilt & shame & fear-flashbacks that ONLY raisins invariably triggered (grapes DO trigger us sometimes, but ONLY when we're unstable; otherwise they have enough positive associations to override the fear). So Jesus reminded us of King David celebrating the Ark's return to the Temple, giving out RAISIN CAKES to the jubilant crowd, full of God-given sweetness, to symbolize the JOY OF THEIR FAITH!!! And He again emphasized the Cross comparison: the dried fruit an image of death, all its water dried up, BUT through that death-- a death ONLY in appearance, AND a death BY LIGHT, by becoming SO full of it the body MUST change to hold it all-- it becomes a SOURCE of deeper life, saturated and so sweet. Just like Jesus. And THAT soothed our fears. We were still anxious BUT we TRUSTED Him-- AND obeyed His instructions when He told me to ONLY eat them 3-4 at a time, with a spoon, to avoid dirty hands, choking, overeating triggers, & anxious rushing.


post-lunch//

(notes were written in fragmented form.)

Jesus gave order directions again; worked PERFECTLY.
Ate with eyes OPEN!!! Jesus asked me to. ♥ Realized the eye-closing is actually TRAUMA RESIDUE = forcing dissociation so we COULDN'T SEE / PROCESS what was going into our body. But we TRUST GOD now, with the food HE gives us to HELP & HEAL us. It is ALWAYS safe, so now we CAN look at it and be grateful AND consciously present!!
DIFFERENT PASTAS HAVE VARYING SAFETY LEVELS!! SO DO APPLES! All different preps elicit different reactions. Be aware of that; it makes healing more complex. Ziti is safe. Spaghetti is scary. Macaroni is TERRIFYING. etc. Make lists??
+ SPAGHETTI is a fear food!! but WHY? meatballs = funeral/ church hall/ VFW dinners (all oddly comfy to sit in? CHILDHOOD. but inexplicably pervasive ambience of anxiety & dread??) Healing hope = get to eat pasta with mom & Lou; attend "ziti dinners" at church; eat at church picnics & such; GRANDPA!!
+ PASTA = boyscout memories too; school too maybe?? TONS of association; hometown is very italian!
+ APPLE JUICE is a fear food! one nice surprise: tastes like autumn sunlight in apple trees. not artificial! BUT?? harvest vibe is the scary thing!! association of apples with FAIRS and such!! healing hope = local tree farm with mom, apple picking in home woods. also scary is "apple juice" as a PHRASE/ CONCEPT, tied to childhood? WHY?? the IDEA of buying OR drinking it is scary!
+ TOMATO SAUCE = I actually LIKE the "sundried tomato" taste?? a nice shock! Happy that it's a red food I may now enjoy
+ PARMESAN = fear food ONLY because of migraines. waiting to see. but we admittedly enjoyed the taste. Jesus said ONE packet-- it was enough!
+ temptation to "create an alter TO eat spaghetti," ESPECIALLY a nonhuman one: I REFUSED.
I DON'T WANT TO BURY ANXIETY & DISSOCIATE IN ORDER TO EAT. I want to HEAL and be WHOLE and UNAFRAID. I want to BE, WITH PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY!!
DEVIL PRETENDING TO BE JESUS, TRYING TO TRICK US. Requiring DISCERNMENT to recognize the inherent difference between satan & Christ: apparent to a heart grounded in grace & Christ's peace, BUT veiled & muddled to an anxious, doubtful heart! When struggling like this, STOP & PRAY!! Jesus WILL reply; there are certain things ONLY He can say, too. Remember that! ALSO HIS MOM!!! ♥ Satan CANNOT STAND Mary, & tries to masquerade as her, too. But Mary is INHERENTLY HUMBLE & PURE and believe me you WILL know/feel when it's not her! She ALWAYS leads us TO Christ. Ask for her help always; you're her daughter & she loves you too!!



post-group//

DBT group was REALLY TOUGH as it touched on the topic of self-respect & how it can be DESTROYED by compromising/ ignoring/ betraying one's morals for the sake of "maintaining a relationship." That DEFINED our "relationship" with TBAS and we STILL haven't been able to cope with it. THAT was what killed our very sense of self, AND BY EXTENSION, everything RELATED to that self, which is HOW & WHY our ENTIRE HISTORY OF EXPERIENTIAL MEMORY WAS ANNIHILATED. Honestly I'm actually kind of grateful for food triggers here because they are, oddly but actually, helping RESTORE our experiential memory and reCLAIMING our ACTUAL LIVED CONNECTION & OWNERSHIP of those memories & emotions & contexts!! Yes, I was there! Yes, I felt that way! Yes, I am part of that family, I am a student at that school, I EXIST TO OTHER PEOPLE AND IN OTHER PLACES AND IN OTHER TIMES, and that existence is ONE!!! It is ALL ME. I EXIST, IN A UNIFIED SELF, A CONSTANT EXISTENCE, IN ALL THOSE PLACES & TIMES & TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
...After CNC, we lost that for SO LONG... because at our absolute heart IS our morality; our very core is our faith, our religion, our conscience. And the Broken Arrows shot us through.
It genuinely DID "kill" me/us in a very real sense. To suddenly, and SO drastically, sabotage & distort & crush our moral compass, did the same TO our heart. We COULDN'T "keep living as" our Self up to that point because we WEREN'T, not anymore, not with them... not FOR them. And THAT was the root of the problem, as revealed via DBT: we were striving SO desperately to achieve "relationship effectiveness" that we burnt ourself alive on their pagan altar; as blunt and horrifying as that sounds it's TRUE, damn it all. We abandoned self-respect and adored them. We abandoned GOD and idolized them. We STOPPED PRAYING & GOING TO CHURCH there, stopping INSTANTLY & disturbingly so, like being beheaded. We lost our mind & lost our heart & almost lost our soul, too. And we are JUST NOW beginning to recover. But... we haven't really forgiven ourselves for it. That's why it hurts so unbearably & we're suffocating on shame & guilt. God help us heal, please. Have mercy on our poor soul. Restore & repair our broken & missing pieces in Your tender care & wisdom. Please, let us still be Your child. Please. Restore our morality, & fortify it forever for Your sake. Save our soul, Lord, have mercy!!!


post-dinner//

Chicken with stuffing & gravy, white/wild rice pilaf, dinner roll & 1 butter, 3 s&p, 3 creamer, 2 teas.
My blood sugar hit ~72 before dinner & I am still so woozy & nauseous, I feel awful. This happened yesterday too. Chest heaviness & cold breathing. It aches and I'm so tired & wobbly. I wonder why. Jesus, help me to carry this Cross with You!!
The sick symptoms made me scared & so distracted, and there was SO much talk & noise, and all that PLUS my keeping my eyes OPEN made me HARD DISSOCIATE for virtually the ENTIRE MEAL. The silver lining is that I DID talk to Jesus & follow His direction the entire time, so my timing was great and I didn't "blank out" while eating despite the terrible distraction & worried weariness. But it was an important experience to have; I'm now very aware that I need to improve in those areas, and that they ARE risks. Team set my main treatment goal-- stated three times in my plan-- as "emotion regulation" and I agree. I get washed away in them too easily, too totally. I'm apparently not grounded at all! I actually FORGOT about that term until someone mentioned it as a goal today-- "centering and grounding." Christ is my Center; but how do I "ground"? Through the Cross? Through the Via Dolorosa beneath my feet now too? Perhaps. Probably. That will free me from worldliness & enable me TO accept & carry my Cross. Grounding is NOT escaping, remember. It's just getting solid footing despite the waves crashing down on & around you. And that reminds me of a certain parable! "A house built on solid Rock" will endure all things. But... this concept of grounding means that my BODY is part of that house. It means, THROUGH FAITH & TRUST, I will not be afraid to BE in that house during a hurricane, because I KNOW that My Lord is the Master of EVERY storm... even this storm of sickness. He knows what I'm experiencing! "His Eye is on the sparrow"! He holds me in His Hands even now, and He does so with GENTLE, KNOWING LOVE. "If He lets me suffer, it is because He sees something Good in it, which today I do not yet know." But HE does. I must take ALL my comfort from that, and trust Him radically in doing so. Yes, to feel like this is very scary, BUT when I remind myself that He KNOWS this, but ALLOWS it, for the TRUE GOOD of my soul... then I have peace, the peace only Christ gives. And I can carry this Cross, and let it be my ground & center. No running. No hiding. No denial. Just faith, and truth, and gratitude, and TRUST, all through Love of Him, for Love of Him. Jesus, my suffering Savior, grant me the grace I need to surrender this entirely into Your Hands!!

Some quick dinner food notes:
+ WHITE/WILD RICE) I realized I WASN'T AFRAID AT ALL when I was already several bites in. I thanked Jesus immediately. I think the wild rice "made it safe." Good to know! The spices were lovely too. (Rosemary!) It had a slightly tacky texture but it was soft, & clumped SO NICELY. (I REALLY like wild rice's texture) Still, being starchy & in lots of small bits, it took time to chew thoroughly (~15m!!). Eyes open so no associations of memory found; it's a rare food anyway, so there might not be any. But it was thoroughly enjoyable. Thank You, God!!
NO memory association BUT a lingering subconscious anxiety over rice as a concept? (CNC!! WE FORGOT!!) Work on healing that, even within different preparations.
+ STUFFING) SO SOFT!! I regret starting to dissociate & rush for it, but I wasn't in my right mind, nor was I properly prepared FOR an enjoyable food, compared to the superdense turkey stuffing. I let negative expectations hinder me. That's a hard but important lesson to learn! Have HOPE! It was salty & soft & nice. BUT, God MEANT for me to "miss it" this time because it SHOULD be properly gratefully savored on its own, yet THIS time I HAD to eat it WITH the chicken, to meet time constraints, add moisture to the chicken so I could chew/ swallow it, AND practice typical food combos. Reminds us of mom's cooking! ♥ NO Thanksgiving; that has meat!
+ CHICKEN & GRAVY) WITH SKIN, hooray! I do enjoy that. We ate most of the gravy while dissociated so we unfortunately didn't get clear data, but we'll try again, in God's time. Meat is so dry & tacky! It's very difficult to chew without water. So keep that in mind & allow for enough time. Get clear data too-- it's still so blurry. Possibly childhood memory potential. Check. May vary w/ presentation.
+ ROLL & BUTTER) Favorite ♥ Pure, no ties. Bread & butter is a pure, simple, sweet food, & reminds us of grandma. We always treasure it. ♥ Explore the butter resonance soon though; I think it's losing the fear associations it had? See how much resonance it has with the milk = mother + baby association, and SIT with that. We need to learn; if there is healing to do, we want to do it! Butter is a pastoral staple, a shepherd and farmer food, a gift of motherhood and honest industry that the meek & sincere share. We want to share in it too.


post-snack//

Sunchips (salsa) & bengal spice tea (+2 creamers)
TROUBLES: licking bag & fingers & creamer lids. That's unladylike & undignified; work on ceasing this bad habit. Also we were asked a question WHILE eating and were INSTANTLY slammed with a panic attack, WHICH WE ADMITTED ALOUD. Involving our "self/ individuality" while eating MIMICS ABUSE?? BUT making "comments" notsomuch, because THAT is DISSOCIATIVE!
SUCCESSES: were forgiving of self/ humbled by "dirty" nature of chips: notably crumbs, awkward bite size, & eating with fingers. VERY humiliating, BUT using that to crush pride. Please, have the spirit of a thankful & meek child! THAT will heal this entirely, by the grace of God. "Unless you become like little children," remember! "From the fear of humiliation, deliver me, O sweet Jesus!"



prismaticbleed: (worried)

post-breakfast//

Good morning beloveds! Let's start today on a solid good note: Breakfast accomplished a LOT today. We got an EGG! (Shoutout to Elsa, haha) Also a bagel & cream cheese, something totally unexpected but perfect for increasing our empathy for others, so to speak. Lots of people enjoy bagels, including our dear brothers, but we've always feared them, due to their intensely dense & doughy texture (dense foods "scare" us a lot; we need to discover the root cause/s of that). Cream cheese, too, is very dense, so we avoided it-- although someone inside that we can't yet identify did have a noted fondness for it; again, we're not sure why. Most likely it's an association with childhood and/or grandma; I feel strong resonance there. But I digress; that's all the accessible information we have right now, as more is only revealed/ discoverable WHILE eating due to the direct sensory input. We weren't aware that cream cheese needed to be delved into as we ate it today. However, it would have been both imprudent & presumptuous to try-- the first "new" exposure to a food on the unit MUST be entirely receptive. We never know what it will trigger, what it will remind us of, what its synaesthetic palette is, what its texture is, etc. There's a LOT of sheer data coming in, all within a distracting, noisy environment AND while under time constraints. So we must be respectful of our own poor brain's mental capacity! One task at a time, and food exposure #1 must always prioritize what we RECEIVE, purely and unreservedly. Jesus WILL and DOES help us with this! He's the ONLY reason breakfast went so well today-- we talked to Him and followed His loving direction the entire time. YES, HE LOVES US and CARES ABOUT OUR HEALTH AND HEALING! He will NEVER belittle or mock or scorn us. He will NEVER laugh at our "unusual" recovery efforts, like gathering food data & memory managing, because HE MADE US and He KNOWS & UNDERSTANDS US and He will SUPPORT, BLESS, PURIFY, and STRENGTHEN those very efforts FOR HIS SAKE, because HE IS Life and Love and Hope, LITERALLY. So, it is His very nature to inspire & promote & protect & sustain those virtues, AND literally every other virtue. You cannot go wrong when you are walking with Him; He MADE both you and the path of life you are traveling. It is GOD Who controls the world and guides your destiny; that truth is the DEEPEST comfort & joy!! He holds it ALL in His Hands, forever, and He cannot ever be overcome or shaken. His sovereign reign is sure. But, in a terrifying paradox, through our free will, we CAN resist it. That's the foundation of hell. DON'T GO THERE. Go where Jesus leads instead-- the Way of the Cross, of charity & joyfully willing obedience even unto death!!
Now. As for our healing. We also got soymilk. And we sipped it slow & dived in to meet that girl. She's NOT Hoban-- Hoban is similarly depressed, but more distantly, and she is LOCKED ENVIRONMENTALLY into the school she's named for! That revealed to us, shockingly so, that this soymilk girl IS TOO. She's aware that she has to go to school, and go to work, BUT SHE DOESN'T. That's a MASSIVE revelation! She is, specifically, LOCKED INTO THE KITCHEN. We honestly didn't realize that SPATIAL ENVIRONMENT LOCKS were a thing, but now that we do, they explain SO MUCH of social function splitting-- it's the same reason why we can't pass through doorframes or windows in dreams. Every marked "division" of space with a "portal" like that FORCES a context shift, and rightly so!! And nousfoni, being hyperspecialized by nature, CANNOT preserve function integrity upon such a shift; they MUST SWITCH AS WELL. That fact opens up SO much potential for memory unlocking & Spectrum discovery, because it means that EACH space WILL be exclusive, and all its anchored nousfoni will ALSO be as exclusive: kitchen nousfoni CANNOT survive properly outside the kitchen, and ALL kitchen memories/ triggers/ vibes/ etc. WILL be tied TO one of such nousfoni-- who should ALL be, inevitably, SOCIALS. Their Spectrum has GOT to be a LOT bigger than it originally was assumed to be as a result-- it's not just Brown! Heck, we think now that Brown's entire function ITSELF has changed-- it MIGHT even now be mapped as a SUBTONE BANK like Pastels??? We are SO EXCITED to discover more about this as God reveals it to us. We have real hope for healing with this. But yes! The soymilk girl is locked into the kitchen spatially, BUT she STILL experiences the COLLECTIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL AMBIENCE, another "new" Social phenomenon that is explaining so much. What that means for her specifically-- and especially, as she is the one who revealed this phenomenon to us THROUGH her experience of it-- is that although she personally may not-- and indeed will NEVER-- experience school or work or even abuse, WE ALL SHARE A BRAIN AND A BODY AND THAT AFFECTS ALL OF US. So SHE WAS FEELING THE PSYCHO-EMOTIONAL AMBIENCE OF HER FELLOW SOCIALS-- notably the ones in the most immediate context to her: our school Socials and our job Socials. She felt THEIR dread & depression & exhaustion, as if it were in the very air. She was haunted by their ghosts, and her heart ached in unconscious communion with theirs. And now, tapping into her memorysphere, WE felt it too. It was honestly shocking. There she was, in the early morning, the dawn still indigo blue outside, the kitchen stove light on & dim. She stood in front of the microwave, pouring vanilla soymilk into a bowl of cornflakes. But she wasn't physically alone, which blew our mind. Anchored just as solidly in that memory was OUR DAD, sitting at the bar & watching the morning news. He's eating something, but only conceptually-- we can't see it. He seems upset, depressed. So are we. His presence alone is a MASSIVE milestone, as it is PROOF that this memory is in 2007!! Which, also, is a shock-- we timestamp the Spectrum's birth/ awakening as 2008, yes, BUT!! APPARENTLY THE SOCIALS EXISTED MUCH EARLIER & WE NEVER KNEW. So yeah. Proof of a long-suspected truth. Nevertheless, that wasn't our goal or the point of visiting her today. We met her there to share her pain, to know & understand it, to show her TANGIBLY that she was SEEN & LOVED & CARED FOR & SUPPORTED, that she wasn't alone-- ever-- and that it was possible to heal, at last, together. So we stood with her & felt her pain together and THAT is what taught us everything I just wrote about. THAT alone is a huge revelation: that such astronomically vital revelations could, do, and will come from pure compassion. And that sharing of self & scars, that communion across chronospheres, was miraculous as well-- it planted genuine seeds of hope in her heart, soothed her misery, gave her hope, and broke the barriers of her spatial-lock to allow us in. All of our hearts opened up from this effort. Now we UNDERSTAND her context and WHY her memory-triggers hurt so melancholocally. They still ache, yes, but now it's bittersweet; now there's hope, the knowledge that her limited existence (until now!) HAS a purpose, HAS a future, HAS its proper and vital place in the Spectrum's history as a whole. And she can live, knowing that the soymilk isn't al there is. That's... so, so important. I wonder how it will change tomorrow, that food data? And what it will feel like when it heals? ALSO!! What about multiple resonances? We get that with a LOT of other foods, especially childhood ones... BUT we've never known all this about the Socials before. THEY'VE never known that they are part of a "WE" before. They don't know that their chronospheres are PERMEABLE by love, or that their lives have PURPOSE and CAN continue NOW. What I'm trying to say is: even IF we find other nousfoni tied to soymilk in experiential memories, they don't know us OR EACH OTHER. ...Yet. What IF they met each other? Could they? SHOULD they? It's a massive new world of possibility for both healing & integration (of our shattered past) that we MUST pray about. That is, arguably, the MOST important step to take in this entire process: we must pray. Always & everywhere, before & during & about everything, we NEED to pray, because the SOLE source of ALL success-- AND healing AND wisdom AND love-- is GOD. HE must be our ultimate goal & guide in this entire process. Please, remember that. We exist FOR HIM, not us. Soli Deo Gloria, amen.


post-lunch//



This one was an ADVENTURE, and ANOTHER milestone. I want to write about it thoroughly enough without exhausting myself, so we might resort to archivist datalogging instead of "journalist" wordiness. Here's the basics: we got a hamburger & whole milk, w/ ketchup & relish, 2 teas & 2 creamers, salt & pepper. Now of course a burger-- being such a common American & childhood food-- is GUARANTEED to carry multiple resonances. And it did-- VERY unexpected ones, tied to different textures & flavors within the same meal! Which is FASCINATING. That's why we like to stick to solo-ingredient consumption: mixing those data input triggers can be absolutely overwhelming, both mentally & emotionally-- or, it cancels itself out into empty noise. Both are horrible. But yes. The memories/ resonances this burger revealed to us were very educational & informative, but most importantly, we were able to IMMEDIATELY jump into them and do SIGNIFICANT healing IN REAL TIME-- well, within their chronospheres & resospheres, of course. But it was HUGE. The resonances we got were:
1) McDonalds birthday party burger. 9-10-11 age? Conglomerate? Upset by noise, rushing, kids partying & her left alone, expectations. She was so anxious. Wanted: to explore the playzone imaginatively, to eat & enjoy her burger at her own pace but also in community, to not feel rushed to open gifts or eat, to not feel trapped far from home, to not feel like she had to perform, for the other kids to share her interests & enjoy her company & all respect each other, for the acknowledgement of God in even that context. // What we did to meet her needs & heal the stress: everyone sat together & prayerfully, slowly, quietly ate, no one with any time limit; moved it to a local McDonalds; other kids also interested in joining & respecting her imaginative play directions as the leader; other kids interested in Pokemon & Tamagotchis & similar likes, and gave them as gifts, all playing & talking together WITHOUT noise or mania; everyone thanked God for meal & company.
2) Dad cooking burgers on the grill: Thornhurst & the "sunfish lake"; latter possibly an artificially constructed "concept memory", not literally real. No trauma, but still lingering "Dad isn't truly happy and I'm nervous/ guilty/ upset about it." That needs to be healed in future. "Fishing" construct tied to the HAT he wore = relish flavor?
3) Grandpa eating on porch; food not seen but anchored to the relish. Memories of pickle/ bologna sandwiches ("from the army") eaten there causing the resonance. The hat grandpa wore tied into previous vibescape. No trauma, no negativity. We don't "like" relish but he LOVED pickles, which we forgot! Tap into that next time; learn to like.
4) Grandma giving us dinner at kitchen bar. Ketchup & beef; hamburg patty. We were very anxious. Why? Just the kitchen?


LUNCH NOTES =
Oliver/ KN healing affected ALL other perceptions.
"They said I would hurt them" self-pity/ loathing loop
BUT "I don't want to be a dog"
AND mother trouble; self-giving never experienced;
Carnivore coping, weeping over cow giving milk/ meat,
"someone wants me to live/ cares for me so much they would give me THEMSELVES to eat"
no longer have to be a predator to survive
oliver & bloody meat = heart/ life connection corruption
SECRET EUCHARIST DESIRE!!
eating meat = compromise for lack of meaningful personal communion

+ Jesus "disobedience" teaching trick; we didn't ask permission for condiments
TRUTH = "Your free will & My plan for you are meant to COOPERATE, never overriding one another. Your picking ketchup will not send you to hell, nor will it frustrate My perfect plans for you. I work WITH you, & you with Me."

- Don't like the relish BUT it keeps resonating with grandpa = he LOVED to eat pickles, remember?? He's tied to ketchup too; he always ate tomato saucy stuff. Love you grandpa!!

+ Milk "smells like a nursery" = "smells like a MOTHER"; still TERRIFYING on some level??? BIG trauma trigger yet. We actually CANNOT overlay a "motherly figure", all those curves. It's one of our few remaining solid terrors, possibly because motherhood is INHERENTLY tied to sex. That topic is still buried & barred-off.


post-dinner//



"WHAT DOESN'T CHALLENGE YOU WILL NOT CHANGE YOU."

This one was rough SOLELY because we overwhelmed ourself beforehand, & disobeyed internal instructions during. It was humbling. But, it is only through humility & brokenness that we CAN truly grow into better people. GOD is the One Who disciplines & corrects us. Take heart.
Lessons we must learn from this:
+ We only have so much emotional & social energy/ "spoons." Obsessive journaling and extensive talking/ socializing quickly causes BURNOUT.
+ We had to unearth & disclose a LOT of trauma data today, and DIDN'T RECUPERATE. Instead we went to 2 successive groups, depleting our mental reserves & further exacerbating trauma symptoms, like dissociation & compulsive people-pleasing & manic threats. It was lethal to our internal well-being. When trauma is triggered, TAKE TIME TO COPE!!! NO SOCIALIZING. NO EXCEPTIONS. Staying externally oriented PREVENTS recovery & processing. We MUST go inside to calm down & PRAY until we are back in a safe space again.
+ When you get an external synchronistic warning, LISTEN TO IT. The devil's number was on BOTH Bingo cards-- so why didn't you STOP???
+ When you get an internal direction about a meal, LISTEN TO IT!!! We had a turkey sandwich, rosemary potatoes, & grape juice. The direction CLEARLY & REPEATEDLY told us to eat the sandwich first, but we stupidly argued our way out of it, claiming it would be "better enjoyed eaten last," and did so against orders. And WE WERE VERY WRONG. We forgot that eating potatoes solo gives us a GLUCOSE SPIKE, causing horrific anxiety attacks & tremors. Eating the sandwich first would've helped prevent that w/ the protein & fat. God, forgive our foolish & proud resistance to You!!
+ Due to mental overload, we began 5 minutes late as we were dissociating, which ALSO destroyed our first 5 minuts of meal data because our addled brain TUNED OUT and was smothering conscious input by listening to the trivia & stories. And there's NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG with those things-- it was actually really sweet to be able to hear everyone openly sharing parts of their lives, talking about education & family & music, geography & psychology & art & work & babies! And the trivia itself is actually an opportunity for gratitude to God by the same token-- it is little bits of data about this wondrous world God created & our collective human experience, both of which God protects & sustains & guides & directs. So each trivium CAN be prayerfully used as a spark for praise, IF we aren't wickledly judgmental & proud!! BUT. There is a time & a place. When we begin a meal, whether or not we detect dissociation, our attention MUST BE CONSCIOUSLY FIXED ON CHRIST. Say grace MINDFULLY, talking TO Him, NOT at or about Him only. And then ASK HIM TO GUIDE & HELP US. Then LISTEN to His loving response and OBEY HIS DIRECTION!!! He can only lead you on the BEST path!!!
+ Because of that dissociation, we blacked out ALL the ketchup & potato data. When we realized this, we panicked & asked GRANDPA for help INSTEAD OF JESUS at first. We noticed that too & were deeply ashamed. But God bless Grandpa; his response WAS to direct me TO Jesus instead, and I did, humbly & instantly.
+ We had MORAL PANIC over our rebellious potato mistake, plus the ketchup void mistake. As I mentioned, it triggered a GENUINE ANXIETY ATTACK. We felt like we had done something truly disgusting & meriting of shame & sharp chastisement, something we were awfully ashamed of & could not fix. ...but. We brought this fear to Jesus. We confessed our failure & begged His help & peace. And do you know what He said? "Do you see? Through humble repentance & trust in My mercy & love, I can transform even this mistake into an opportunity for us to grow even closer, and to teach you important lessons you could not have learned otherwise."
When the panic hit, the bulimia symptoms returned. That was TERRIFYING, but I am still thanking God for it, BECAUSE it revealed a breach in the wall-- a chink in our armor, as it were. We assumed, rather immaturely, that if we just "changed spatial context" we'd be fine. NOPE! AMBIENT PAIN! We just learned that today, though, but this was CONFIRMING PROOF nevertheless. One misstep, one trigger, ONE taste of our collective ache, and no matter WHO is up front, if we aren't healed enough-- which we aren't yet-- THEY WILL SWITCH OUT FOR AN UNSTABLE PAIN HOLDER. So when we panicked over food, the IMMEDIATE physiological reaction was, "we made a mistake in eating this, therefore it is WRONG, therefore it counts as POISON, therefore it will HURT US SEVERELY/ UNFIXABLY, therefore IN ORDER TO BOTH SURVIVE & ATONE, WE MUST VOMIT IT OUT OF OUR BODY. THEN we'll be safe." And our body PREPARES to! It's actually INSTINCTIVE by now, especially since it's tied to survival fear. The feeling is horrible. But the point is: IT HAPPENED. Even here, in recovery, it CAN AND WILL AND DID HAPPEN. We're not perfect or impervious. BUT GOD LET THIS HAPPEN FOR THAT VERY REASON. We needed to be greatly humbled in order to gain wisdom. We needed to harshly experience our weakness in order to be prepared for & respectful of it, AND to realize & acknowledge our GREAT NEED OF GOD. We MUST rely on HIM for healing, NOT ourselves!! Without Him we are absolutely powerless and WILL fail. It's inevitable; humans are BUILT to need God & cooperate meekly & trustingly with Him. Life is infinitely more beautiful & joyful that way.
+ We begged Jesus for peace. Admitting our sin, we prayed for His forgiveness & consolation, and implored His help with the sandwich. HE HELPED & FORGAVE. Never doubt His Goodness & Mercy towards poor foolish sinners like us!! He STILL seeks out EVERY lost sheep!!
+ HOWEVER. He didn't take away all the panic, as it still needed to serve a purpose: we needed to practice trusting Him DESPITE symptoms. "But I have overcome the world." And we WERE trusting, becoming genuinely able to enjoy & perceive the sandwich & feel deep gratitude to Him for it, feeling a spark of true joy amidst panic... but we, obviously, didn't trust enough. Our symptoms threw us off & we doubted His directions AGAIN.
+ ...We realized just how disordered dear sweet Iscah actually was, because ALL HER DISORDERED BEHAVIORS KICKED IN. Honestly, with the anxiety trigger-fall, we FORGOT that she used to drink hot sauce & creamer (from the packets!), pick sandwiches apart, lick plates & wrappers, eat tea bags, and obsess over sheer data collection. But ALL OF THAT KICKED BACK IN immediately! And Jesus WARNED us, "don't do it!!" but we were too fuzzy-brained to really listen and we pulled apart the sandwich. Just the last bit, but we felt HORRIBLE, crushed by shame. That, too, was a needed lesson.
+ Some foods DON'T have attached trauma, or attached memory. THAT IS FINE & GOOD. DON'T FORCE ANY!!!
+ BUT so far ALL foods have attached resonance, AND require some sort of healing. DO SO WITH CHRIST; alone we'll fail.
+ DO NOT FORCE OR COERCE SUCH REVELATIONS. YOU CANNOT GET TRUTH BY FORCE. Be patient. It WILL come, in God's perfect timing-- when we're ready, AND as we're ready for. Trust Him, be grateful, & PAY ATTENTION!!!
+ Also, proof of His trustworthiness & love? He USED the postmeal "potato fatigue" to give us BRAIN RESET DOWNTIME. That's the TOTAL peace we prayed for!! GOD IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS GOOD!!!







prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


(041719)
I just visited the med window & the nurse told me, "make sure you wash your hands before you eat dinner, because your room will be locked afterwards!" I asked if that was because of maintenance, as they've been working in that corner for a day now, but she said, smiling, "No, it's so you don't throw up."
…I thought I had left all of that behind, here.
But no, there it is, like a returning cancer after the chemo is over.
This time at HAVEN has been so vital to my recovery. No one ever even mentioned eating disorders. I was the only person to even refer to it in passing, as something I had passed by-- truly, as something I had passed on from, as a dead end I had died to. I felt reborn here. I felt free. I felt unhindered and trusted and innocent and capable and hopeful and brimming with goals for my new future. Eating disorders were far from my mind.
And then that unknowing nurse threw me right back into jail.
I'm sick of bulimia hell. Let it rot in the past where it belongs. If I'm trying to rebuild my life, I refuse to use rotten wood to do so. But as long as the people around me keep bringing it up I will NEVER be able to move on because they keep throwing handcuffs back on me.
I want to cry. I want to punch a hole in the wall. Part of me even wants to skip dinner-- proving that I won't purge because I'm empty. But I'm sick of being miserable and bitter over it. It's exhausting. If I want to abandon the eating disorder, then I need to just let go.
I have to see this as what I feel it truly is-- persecution by the evil one. I have to think about what Saint Paul probably went through. Imagine if he was in my place. Here he is, recovering & growing & learning how to be ever more kind & loving & gracious, innocent in his reliance on Christ's healing power… and then suddenly, one day, he walks up to the med window & they tell him, "make sure you bring lots of napkins to dinner because you won't have any utensils." He replies, "oh, is there a shortage on this unit?" Friendly, innocent. And then the reply, with a smile… "No, it's so you don't use them to attack any Christians."
…You see why this hurts.
It is a work of the evil on because it is BLATANTLY based on an utter lack of trust in Christ. In that reply, both Saint Paul and I are being told, "I know how evil you were before you came here. I am not taking any chances with your behavior. Because if I truly trusted in your recovery, in your rebirth, I would give you the utensils, I would leave the door open. But no, no. In my eyes, you still look like a bulimic and a murderer. You both look like agents of wanton destruction. Yes, you claim faith in Christ, and in His power to heal you. But I don't have faith in that. So I will take my precautions."
…This leaves me with a very important fact, a choice I must make. The fact is: I have faith in Christ's ability to heal me. But the world doesn't. The world CANNOT have faith in Him. So it'll never trust His work in me.
But it's not about me anymore, not truly. I must realize that this persecution is an opportunity to testify TO Christ, in the face of all opposition. Since the world cannot trust Christ's working in me, I must EXPECT opposition. I must EXPECT distrust and accusation and all sorts of trials. The world will NEVER see me as recovering, let alone recovered, unless IT is responsible. It cannot accept any Savior but itself. But that's impossible, and my life is proof. No doctors, no surgeries, no hospitals, no therapy, no meds, no magic, no manipulation, nothing will "cure" me because nothing CAN cure me except Christ, because He IS the Cure. He IS health and joy and trust and wholeness and rebirth. And for His sake, for the sake of testifying TO Him and His essence and His power in my life, I must not despair. Earlier I wanted to vomit out of spite but THAT IS EVIL and it would only "prove the world right." And I cannot, will not, do that. No. Christ is deserving of uncompromising honor and through His Grace I MUST give Him that. I must eat wisely, and continue to keep it all in even when I'm sick and scared. The world wants me to fail because it wants Him to fail. Therefore I am being called to a sort of martyrdom over this.

(later)
I have to admit this. I gave in. Dinner hurt too much to eat and I felt awful saying "no thank you" to all the donated vegetables when I knew that otherwise they would all be thrown into the trash bin before my very eyes. But eating that much-- treating myself, effectively, as the garbage bin, as ironic as that is in contrast to my motivation-- was so excruciatingly painful that I honestly could not bear it. So therein was my conflict of mercy. In showing mercy to the food, and the good motives of my fellow patients, I neglected mercy to my own soul. Saying "no" would not harm my fellow patients in any real way, but… they wanted so badly to see me eat, they didn't want me to starve, they didn't understand that a "no" on my part was not an indication of total relapse, and honestly I enjoyed experiencing their care and concern and generosity and gratitude and support and joy when I did eat another mouthful so much that the thought of saying "no" to ALL of that in connection with the food that enabled its expression was unthinkable. And so I failed to even consider the possibility of adverse consequences on my part as a result of saying "yes." It seemed impossible.
And hey, isn't that just what we're learning about trauma? Survival instinct comes first. When your idea of survival is skewed in the moment, you pick the wrong option. You sacrifice physical health if it means your heart might escape without any more scars. You're so desperate for the survival of a relationship, for the survival of human connection, even if that connection is founded on something utterly unstable, that you prioritize it over all else in the moment. Dissociation makes it worse, when you've learned to kick your own body under the table so often and quickly that you forget it's even yours anymore, and that you have to live in it once the other person leaves the room.
I cared so much about finally feeling hope from these people about my health, that I-- irony of ironies-- sabotaged my health just to keep them smiling. Just to convince myself that I was "being a good girl" in their eyes, in the mind of the unit.
And yet that one nurse stands as a terrible testimony to the underlying truth of it all.
Only God's judgment matters.
The world will eventually stop believing in me. But I don't care about that. I can't care about that, because you're not SUPPOSED to believe in me. No one is, not even me, especially not me. Either I believe in Christ, either you believe in Christ, or we don't believe in anything at all. So in the end, who cares if the nurse and the unit see only failure in me? If I am anchored in faith in Christ, their opinion cannot change His Truth. It's not my truth-- God knows I doubt everything I do and think and say the way it is. But that's not what matters. I must have faith in CHRIST, working IN ME. It's HIS POWER. I must abandon myself to it utterly. That's the hard part-- that last step of totally dying to oneself. But it's the only thing that's going to get me out of this trauma pattern. I need to remember this.



prismaticbleed: (Default)


(041719)
I've gotta say this-- Aurel is so pretty.
"Handsome" is a word I haven't quite defined but geez, what a look. I've found I gravitate towards that sort of look-- the graying hair, the lined face, the vertical-formed figure. Very much a softened edge, but steadfast look. Brian is real pretty too. He has these downward-turned eyes & a weathered look, and this small & thin but strong build. And he always wears tight but wrinkly jeans like a cowboy. I think that's the vibe I love about him-- it's a feeling of weariness after a long wandering, and a steadfast hope in the face of hard work and struggle, yet not in the same sense of "hard work" that a burly big guy carries (which I ALSO love to death). No, Brian's vibe is a sort of emotional labor, weirdly. Again, the cowboy feeling. He's not doing hard labor but he's still exerting physical strength, yet it's somehow outweighed by inner strength, evident in his lined face and tanned-tight skin and lean yet powerful yet oddly fragile build. I really like that look. Going back to Aurel, though, that's a different sort of vibe entirely-- that of age and grace and strength. Yes, we all fall apart when we get old, but right before that, some folks hold the aesthetic glory of elderhood with the remaining punch of youth and it's just fantastic. It's that same vertical stature as the "cowboy," but without the wildness or wandering or wistfulness. No, Aurel's vibe, the silver vibe, is what my boss Mr. Sandman exemplifies. It's this stunning sort of indomitable hope. It comes from living that long and seeing so much and knowing that whatever else life's got, God's grace will get you through, because you're almost at His gates anyhow!




(041719)
Resist the lying siren songs!!

RITUALS= help willpower preservation!
-Literally remove as many external obstacles as you wisely can
☆Intense "wants" are FIGHT OR FLIGHT response analogs!!!
☆Fatigue depletes self-control!!
-Do the most important thing first in the mornings= highest energy
☆Small portions more often; energy rich foods!
-Do one thing at a time! Systematic; patience. Break into doable steps.
-"Work in sprints"; 90m cycle of effort then recharge.
☆YOU'RE USING RITUALS AS BREAKS BECAUSE YOU DON'T LET YOURSELF RECHARGE DURING WORK. You plow into it like a freight train and end up running off the tracks because you go for hours and end up utterly exhausted. So your brain is desperately clinging to food rituals JUST TO GIVE YOUR BRAIN A REST.
☆Resist temptation! "What do you stand for?" NON-NEGOTIABLE. Grounded in Core values.


MUSIC IS A GREAT MOTIVATOR!
I keep wanting to apply music to self-analysis? Why do certain people like certain styles & genres? Why do certain moods vibe to the same styles/genres? What causes cognitive dissonance in this respect-- i.e., changing from major to minor, utilizing certain sounds & speeds, doesn't fit the music sometimes. Why?


"Be bamboo, not an oak-- you need to be able to bend when the storms hit"

Breathing= CREATIVE force; microcosm of birth/death
☆breath in STOMACH??? "bowels" in Bible?


DISCHARGE PLANS
☆We cannot have a "set schedule" at home-- we can only have GUIDELINES. Go with the flow!
☆Try to get 5 meals in a day, but SMALL. We have to make eating wise, healthy, habitual, & incidental. We cannot sacrifice our time & attention to overeating. We must practice frugality!
☆Establish a fluid "group" system-- a list of activities we can allot to freetime in an intuitive manner. And MAKE SURE IT IS ALL HEALTH-ORIENTED, as well as CHRIST-CENTERED.
☆DIE TO THE WORLD, BUDDY
☆DON'T DUMP YOUR TROUBLE ON THE FAMILY. They don't have the emotional capacity, mental resources, or professional resources to deal with it. Go to LAURIE and your docs/therapists, and GO TO GOD TOO. You need to be prudent about what load you give what people to carry. This is compassionate to all parties and will prevent frustration & despondency on all parts.


North Carolina= I failed myself.


"I don't have a problem with you-- I'm just having a problem handling your symptoms."



010718

Jan. 7th, 2018 09:27 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

010718.
sunday.

We finally realized why Tobiko hasn't been the one purging anymore.

Food does not register as food.
We've been using food as a stim.

We've been using a LOT of things as stims, actually.
This explains the bathroom rituals.
We brush our teeth, floss, brush again, floss some more, use mouthwash, brush our teeth again, wash our face, wash our body, wash our hands, wash our face again… over and over and over and over. We do this for an hour, sometimes, just scrubbing at our gums and our flesh, scrubbing until we are red and raw sometimes. We do this in the shower, too-- we obsessively wash over and over and over, not even thinking that much about "being" clean as we are thinking about feeling clean. It's why we cut our nails down to the nubs and shave every hair off that we can reach. It's never about the end result, not literally. It's about how it feels. It's about purging everything that hurts in the most literal way we can think of.

We eat when we don't want to because it NEVER registers as eating. It registers as stimming.
This is why preparing food used to take, what, six hours back in PA? Because it was never about food. It was, again, a matter of stimming. Of sensory soothing.

Remember that one night in SLC where we sat on the floor of our bedroom, rocking violently back and forth and flapping our hands so hard our wrists ached, blasting Serph at high volume on our headphones and stretching our legs against that rubber band until they, too, were sore from exertion? Pure stimming. Pure mindless stimming. THAT'S the key here.

We've lost all our old methods. We can no longer walk in circles in the living room, or the kitchen, or the driveway. We can no longer go hide downstairs by the furnace, or lock ourselves in the bathroom-- although the latter was always a horrific trauma trigger, as was the attic, even moreso (which is why we didn't even bother to list it here.)
We can't even self-abuse in the "traditional" way anymore. We don't have razors. We don't have knives. We don't have blades. (and oh, how our heart aches at those words-- no, those names, beloved and tender as a wound) We can't bite our arms anymore, can't slap our face, can't yank at our hair, can't claw at our skin or punch our legs or stomp our feet. All our old stimming methods, as violent as we need them, are gone, are forbidden. And our brain is boiling over.

It's been shutting down a lot lately and that terrifies us, to be honest. OV has it easy. He can stim with an adorable little squishy macaron or peach or donut, can play with fidget spinners or kaleidoscopes or even just a piece of jewelry. That's enough for him, it seems, and that makes us super happy. We love him, we love allof them, and the fact that they can use such mild methods to soothe their addled brain is deeply soothing to ours-- in a different sense. We would never inflict this aggressive need of ours on them, not for the world. And yet, here we are, needing it, and terrified because we can't explain it to him, terrified because he thinks we're doing it out of hatred, out of rage, out of suicidal ideation. It's exactly the opposite. When we don't do it, the stress and pressure gets so intense that we wantto die, and we stop caring whether or not we do. That is what's lethal. Not the stims.

The problem is, though, that the stims are dangerous in and of themselves. All of Cannon and Gamboge's old methods drew blood, marked bruises, left scars. All of them beautiful and beloved, true, but still risky to our health… and yet what we wouldn't give to be able to flay this flesh wide open again, even though I can feel Scalpel shaking his head at that thought even now. Why so?
"It's dangerous," he says. "You're right. Even though it is effective, and beautiful, it's also just as addictive. You know just as well as I do that once we start that, we can't stop. We want to bleed and scar forever. And that will kill us."
So will this "eating disorder." But I suppose that's the point of this whole entry.

Food is the simplest, easiest, most "socially acceptible" form of stimming and self-abuse that we have left at our disposal. It's all we have left on days like this.
Except, now, we can't, not without risk of condemnation and distrust, not without hurting someone else more than we ever could before or would ever want to. OV knows we have a problem, but he doesn't know why-- heck, even we didn't know that until this afternoon!
But it's why we go absolutely bonkers in the kitchen once he goes to work and MC goes to sleep. We racked our brains over that for weeks, for months even. We don't want to abuse ourselves, we don't want to suffer or humiliate ourselves anymore, so why this? Why can't we stop this? Why do all of the nousfoni tied to this have such shockingly, irresistibly powerful anchors? Why can't even Laurie stop them? Why does NO ONE, deep down, even want to? Why does it feel like we're being "betrayed" by the System itself in these nousfoni being given free reign and full power over our body and actions in the middle of the night?
We know why, now. It's because they're trying to save our life.
They're STIMMING. They're desperately attempting to soothe our hurting brain, to ease our aching heart, to comfort the poor screaming ones inside. The ONLY way we've EVER known how is to somehow "burn it off" outside. Even now, right now, although we're enjoying typing, our brain is too high-strung and our body is immediately defaulting to the urge of "eating." We aren't hungry. We never are. But that's the point. This isn't about physical hunger. This is about spiritual hunger-- psychological starvation. This is about us needing something we still can't seem to get and scrabbling at the scraps of it wherever we can find it.
Truthfully, we just want to isolate ourselves completely, close our eyes, rock back and forth like a lunatic punching bag and just let our brain turn off as completely as possible. But the key, again, is isolation-- that terribly dear thing we have NEVER been allowed to truly get, not since childhood, and which we have been aching for for longer than we can remember lately. There are no locked doors here. There's no cellar, no attic, no closet to sit in. God how we miss it now, how we miss being a child, ignored and alone in that dearly forsaken house, feeling like we were the only soul(s) existing in the entire world. Just us, and the quiet, and the sunlight, and our heart. We need that like the air we breathe, and we don't know how to get it anymore, because we never realized until we moved out here how we need love like the blood in our veins, pun entirely intended.
That's the killer. That's the real awful thing here.
God I want to cry. Our body is desperate right now, we want to just… scream and punch things and stomp the floor until our knees hurt and throw things and bite things and just let ALL the steam out. There's no malice in it, ever. But it scares people. It terrifies them. We're a monster, and we love what we are, but… we're still a monster. We're a scary, terrible, incomprehensible thing sometimes, and it hurts when our sharp edges cut even the people who try to love us regardless.

Our body wants to food-stim because that's the only thing it can think of to do right now, and yet it KNOWS that it doesn't want to. The very thought of "eating" is making Overload want to scream and throw the plate across the room, is making The Destroyer want to set the entire freaking refrigerator on fire. We HATE food; we hate it for being the only accessible way we were able to dissociate and heal for years, without being hacked.

Yeah. Isn't that the bloody cincher.
Hacks. Why the heck do you think they kept happening for so long?? Why the heck do you think people stopped fighting after so many hellish years??
It's because they hurt, they ate hours of our time, and they isolated us from the world. Yeah, they were absolute hell, that's the indisputable truth-- but the other awful truth is that we didn't want to live in the first place.
God. Those poor, poor damaged kids, sacrificing their souls and selves just because the world at large outside was somehow even scarier than blacking out for three hours and waking up in blood and excruciating pain and mental terror. At least then they could shut down. At least then they could hard-reset their memory, splinter a little more, break a little further, forget most of their entire life and pretend nothing was happening. They just wanted to run, God forgive them, they just wanted to hide and sleep and rest and the ONLY way they could was by shutting everything off. God forgive all of us.

Hacks don't happen anymore. They can't. Not since 2016. Not since Infinitii's presence truly registered, not since we realized what we were actually looking for and what was actually happening in contrast. The truth of it, the harsh horrific reality of the situation, was too terrifying to ever allow ever again. And so hacks stopped completely.
And the eating disorder exploded.

We knew that was going to happen, really. Stop one addiction, but leave the reason why it developed in the first place, and a new addiction will return or appear to replace it. The body is just hopelessly wrecked, man, it doesn't know what else to do.
Why do you think we started flirting with EVERYTHING that would detach us from the reality our poor brain couldn't cope with anymore? We started drinking. We started smoking. We started abusing prescription meds. We experimented with asphyxiation and anesthesia and everything we could think of that would detach us from the awful soul-crushing loop of that toxic household, of that dead-end environment, of the unending mental stress.
And somehow, some days, some nights, that still hasn't changed.
Like right now.

We have nothing. No paint, no sewing kit, no exercise bike, no weights, no internet, no Xbox. No isolation, which is the TRUE need behind ALL of those things. We can't do anything if we aren't COMPLETELY alone, and it feels like a kick in the face to the Broken Arrows, but God forgive us it's true.

We want to run. But we can't. Where the heck would we go? Everywhere out there, there are people watching us, there are social contexts "to obey" and our poor terror-hardwired brain keeps kowtowing to ALL of them. Even just now, when OV laughed or sighed or whatever that little dear breath was, we looked up, wondering-- are we needed? Was that a call for attention? What is the proper way to respond?
And then we wonder why people like Quicksilver exist, why that girl who fronts in the early morning exists. The nousfoni that will even flip off the people they love and say "shove off, leave me alone." The ones that seem coldhearted and callous and brutal, when really all they are trying to do is get us alone. They're trying to PROTECT us, bless their monstrous hearts, and we know it.
We're terrified of coming across as a horrible person, like we did to the kids in SLC. This is probably why. But we had no idea this was even happening back then-- we didn’t even know we were multiple, for God's sakes. Now, though, not only do we know, we understand, more and more each day.
So when OV sighs and someone immediately fronts with a middle finger and stony expression, they aren't saying they don't care. They're saying, "we can’t care right now because we are too burnt out TO do so without utterly sacrificing our health and your respect in the process."
So we sit here, miserable and overloaded, yearning for the opportunity to just… be alone.

God we both love and hate the nights when OV works. We love him, we love all of the Broken Arrows, but… it's just like when we started doing too much for church. We adore our faith, we adore its practices, but when you're expected to attend every daily mass, every weekly funeral, every weekend mass, every choir practice, every group meeting, every picnic, every bible study, et cetera… well, something in you starts to hate it, in utter paradoxical spite, in total impossible parallel to the love you still feel, solely because it KNOWS that if you don't stop you are going to burn to the ground.
So it stops it in the most complete, sudden, brutal, total way it knows how.
It scares the bloody wits out of anyone standing in its way.
People don't like monsters. People leave monsters alone.
So we learned to be a monster.

…God. What do we do.
We're thirsty. We want to cry. More than that, we want to scream and punch things, but that'll frighten OV, and we can't… we can't risk that. That's the horrible, horribly irony of this. We have to sacrifice our terrible needs for the sake of terrible love. What do we do?

People stay up all night because we need to be alone because that's the ONLY TIME we can brutally soothe our psyche. It's always violent love with us, did you notice? Always compassion and cruelty, or at least, what others would see as cruel. For us, it's just the rawest, most selflessly pure form of love. Love that doesn't deny you your needs just because they're strange or "socially unacceptable."

We want to run outside and go hide in that stupid McDonald's bathroom because it's the only place in town that feels like an airport-- totally insulated from the outside world, cold metal and echoing tile, quiet as a grave, no time existing in there at all. It always feels like 3 in the morning there, when you're by yourself. But that's the problem. It's a freaking bathroom in a fast food joint. It's not EVER going to be a failsafe place to be safe-- heck, the sheer simple fact that it's a bathroom has ALREADY condemned the poor thing beyond hope, thanks trauma. (God, there's that awful thought process again. Poor hurting kids. I wonder how many of them we've never seen, how many of them are still contributing to this in our sub(terranean)conscious.) But the one time we were in there, we felt-- God have mercy, what a dearly desired feeling-- like we were the only people on earth. Just us, just this body, just this tiny bubblespace of a bathroom, no time or space beyond. Just that single isolated moment. THAT'S what we need. YES, it's a literal NEED. It's why we risk our mental health going out literally EVERYWHERE when we walk in the mornings, exposing ourselves to too many soul-draining social contexts, desperately seeking a place where that won't be the case, desperately seeking some secret quiet corner somewhere that we can privately own, like the study nooks at Marywood, like the tiny pockets of woods.
…I wish there was a church with unlocked doors around here. God, we wish. We're nearly in tears just thinking of that. The ultimate met need. Isolation, but in a soaring wide-open emptiness. The feeling of our dreams. Rolling hills and labyrinthine halls and massive abandoned buildings and no one, NO one but us in them. Not even a gnat for outside company. Nothing. Just us, and the air, and the sun, and the clock ticking second after second, counting down to nothing, looping without an hour hand. That's what we want. Just… infinity. Eternity. God help us, no wonder hacks were a thing, I want to cry so hard we vomit out our entire respiratory system. This is wrenching and it makes so much sense. How did we never NOTICE this before???


What do we do.

Where do we go. It's 7pm, it's a Sunday night, we can't stand this social context right now, we KNOW OV is worried about us and that simple passive attention is keeping our brain in overloaded status and we want to weep because we care about them, too-- so much our heart aches from it, but what do we do? We love them, but… what do we do? We'll never stop loving them. We'll love them forever. But… sometimes, we dream of running away, of just sleeping in a field somewhere, of packing a knapsack and walking the railroad tracks for days, of catching a bus and just riding it until the end of the line and wherever we are, we are. We want no roots, and yet we want a home to go home to when the solitude starts to bite. There's nothing wrong with being alone. Just… souls need souls. God split hirself because ze needed to love more. We are made to connect with those other pieces, with every other bit of reality. And humans, sure we don't identify as one but this body is one, and we adore people, we do, we just… need to do this in moderation, I suppose.

Do we have a list? Do we even have options when this happens? When our spoons are so low the entire silverware drawer is missing, what the heck do we do, where do we go? When we're so weak we can't get undressed, is there anywhere we can be that will feel like the world has ceased to exist outside? I don't know.
Maybe we can empty out the bottom of the closet, sit in there.
No, no no no, I can feel the children shrieking at that idea even now.
Idola seems piqued. Maybe we should try. See what happens. I doubt hacks will happen--
They won't, but they'll be threatened--
In isolation hacks are always a threat because we black out,

What do we do.

It's too cold outside to go hide in the woods, or to even go find spots where we can hide. But Jewel is so excited at the thought. She has ideas.
Maybe we should try anyway? Get a blanket or sleeping bag or something, bundle up good, find somewhere in the woods where it's just us and just… keep that in our heart if nothing else, if we can't go there. Find at least one place in this new local world where we can be ironically cut off from it for a while, without risk of sudden jarring intrusion. Walking distance. Where can we go?
Buses.
Buses aren't cheap, kid, we need somewhere we can go on a dime without spending a dime, that's the problem.
I'm sure there's somewhere. Let's check Google Maps, find something out. I'm sure we can. Right? Are we done writing?
For now, maybe. I… the other topics we want to write about are huge. The hacks, for one, and the eating disorder in light of this.
But we have been writing about it. Both of them. Haven't we?
Not in as brutal excruciating detail and honesty as we need to, no.
Should we start, then?
Maybe. Hold on a minute.


Food stimming.
Back in PA, we had a soup pot, huge and solid metal, and every day, we'd start the morning by blacking out over a cutting board.
I don't know what we did. All I know is that the smell of wilted lettuce is one of the biggest triggers in the world, and we still can't put spices on our food without shivering in dread. Indian food makes us dissociate immediately, as do potato chips, and ice cream, especially Klondike bars… avocados are still terrifying, so are carrots, so is mayonnaise.
All of those foods were used for blatantly self-abusive purposes in the past and you know what? I'm going to say EXACTLY why.
There was a phase, in 2016, where all we ate for about a week was namkeen. Indian snack food. Just bags of (name). It made us horrifically sick but hey, snack food is an easy time-consuming stim, right? Even if it makes you vomit nonstop for hours-- even especially because it does! Because purging makes you even more dissociative, makes you able to sleep for hours because your body is so wrecked from the past several hours to even consider staying conscious for another second. The last day we bought Indian food, someone filled at least six entire cereal bins with the stuff, separating them methodically by ingredient, then going outside (thanks Destroyer) and flinging them all into the woods… and then hours later, even days later, someone else went outside in a scavenger-desperate mess and picked the pieces off the ground and ate them. We still cannot look at that memory without feeling instantly, unbearably sick. I assume it was all purged seconds after, but memory is black, punctuated only by tiny shattered snapshots of fingers wrestling bits of chickpea flour away from bugs and brambles and rain-muddled dirt.
Remember why P&R became the devil's household?? Remember how many actual HUNDREDS of dollars were spent there over several months, because the food there was dirt cheap AND typically already was garbage? Remember the granola bags with mouse holes chewed through them? Remember the instant noodles with mold growing inside? Remember the hummus that landed us in the hospital due to food poisoning? I know you do. We ALL do.
Oh, but THAT'S the most important thing, something we've probably mentioned in the past before but NEED to reiterate today-- the MAIN reason food was our main stim for YEARS was because, if no one is watching, you don't have to eat it.
We would buy starchy, heavy, crunchy foods, time-consuming foods, chips and cookies and cereals and granola and things, and we'd chew them up, ingredient by ingredient, piece by single piece, and we'd spit them out. Organize, chew, spit. Over and voer and over. And then, when the bag or box was done, we'd chew up the chewed stuff, over and over, until it was too saliva-riddled to chew anymore, and then we'd eat that and purge it immediately, too racked by family-instilled guilt at the thought of "wasting it" by throwing it away (no matter how moldy or rotten or inedible it was) to do so, even at the risk of our own health. That went on for years.
Then we couldn't isolate anymore, then we started losing too much weight, then our body forced us to start bingeing instead in a desperate gamble to get some calories out of it.
The worst chew-spit binges were in that one autumn that we re-read A Wrinkle In Time, with whoever decided that raw oatmeal mixed with molasses was the best texture for doing so-- probably because it took ages to mix up, causing our arms to scream with exertion from doing so, eliciting the same response from our jaws once it reached those. Pain, once sharps were forbidden. A horrific rerouting. And we did that for weeks, if not longer, until the passive sugar-exposure made us SO sick we ended up bedridden with a trashed immune system and too much nausea and chronic pain and hideous gastric distress to leave the bed. But to this day, anxiety-eaten nousfoni in this system, poor desperate kids, always look to the oatmeal boxes in the grocery stores even if the sight of them triggers immediate massive panic. Part of them also remembers a time when that food was the only way they could numb themselves to the world. So they hesitate. They're afraid, but they don't know what other options they even have. And every once in a while, we'll find a box stashed in a drawer or a closet, inevitably doomed to be in the garbage within hours, either thanks to the Destroyer or some poor purgative kid who just wanted to feel like they were throwing up the pain along with the carbs.

God. No wonder so many of our Daemons are tied to food. I wonder what Rupture knows, if anything. She's mainly the fear of dying in the process, of blood in our nose and throat, of our stomach screaming at us to stop. I don't know who holds this, this stimming nightmare… no one except Chocoloco, at least, and he only catches the frayed-end dregs of it, nothing serious, nothing traumatic. He's just that initial desperate programmed seeking of comfort in places where everyone who claimed they loved you claimed it would always be, and yet never was. Chocolate and coffee. Our family's "soothing staples," both of them doing nothing but putting us through hell since childhood. Still, desperate, we never gave up trying. Choco is pretty pissed as that, although nowhere near as much as he is heartbroken. His heart-host is angry almost all the time but it's for the same exact reason that any of us are angry right now-- because we're burning up inside, ripped apart and overwhelmed and sad, and we just want to hole ourselves up in the corner of a coffeeshop somewhere, in the evening when it's dark and softly raining outside and no one knows we're here and we have nowhere else to be, just us and this warm quiet soft place, and we can weep and cry and ache inside and this tiny childlike part of us remembers the days when a muffin and a latte made us feel real, made us feel like we could exist as ourselves apart from society and our family and anyone, like this little rite of passage was proof that we could survive alone, and were, in that moment. THAT'S what our hurt ones keep seeking, in that sort of archetypal memory, but Chocoloco knows it's ultimately heartbreakingly empty, that it's not food or drink or chocolate or coffee or caffeine or sugar or anything edible that we're seeking-- we're seeking his heart, we're seeking love, we're seeking the love that only we can give each other-- we're seeking ourselves.
We can't find each other if we're suffocating in the outside world.

So. Trigger foods.
Someone once wrote about this, too-- probably Iscah-- the science of "combined" and "fused" foods (she says yes, it's in her journal in detail). Well I won't steal her thunder, but the principle of it was this: if you want to make a food inedible but still ingestible, in other words, if you're trying to make a "stim food" instead of a meal, you need to make it as easily palatable as possible in the most blatant way possible. Which means, usually, you liquefy it. You blend things. You cut things into miniscule pieces. You take things like spices, and condiments, and sauces, and drinks, and you soak every stupid thing you have with them until your stomach heaves at the very sight of it, and when it's a slurry from hell you eat that as quickly as possible so your body rejects it just as quickly. Ideally, the whole prep process will take hours, as will the purging process afterwards, in a desperate blacked-out state, trying to get every last crumb out of our system. This is how we spent our days for years, inbetween church activities and family demands.
And isn't that the irony?
We were left alone. We were ignored. And yet, we were never isolated. The grandparents were ALWAYS there, always a few feet or a room away, watching, waiting, vigilant. If we disappeared from their radar for a few minutes, they freaked out. The only time we could "get away with it" was by being in the bathroom, behind a locked door, pretending we were taking a bath, when in reality we were slumped over a toilet wishing we were dead already, sobbing because we really just wanted to be alive already.
But we were never alone. We wanted to be alone, God knew. We wanted a place where nothing could touch us but ourselves.
That's how hacks happened.
I can't talk about that right now.

Potato chips. Cookies. Trail mix. Things like that. Our grandfather would hoard them in his closet, and when we weren't allowed to prepare or eat food in the kitchen anymore without being perpetually critiqued by our grandmother or psychologically terrorized by our brother, we would sneak into his room and sneak into the closet and gorge down a whole bag, not even wanting to, just desperate to stim away the constant fear and pain by crunching something sharp and salty until our mouth bled. But potatoes and flour don't purge easy. They stick like glue in your stomach, and they WILL make the next few hours feel like the central circle of hell. We know. We made that mistake one too many times. We thought we were dead, a few times. But somehow we survived. 85 pounds and throwing up junk food for 8.5 hours a night and we still somehow survived.
There was a time when we first discovered P&R and someone bought cheese curls and chips by the cartful, but they were bean-based, and when our body loudly let us know that it did NOT like beans, we threw them ALL out on the crudpile.
It rained that night. It was cold that night. The next morning, the food was somehow soggy but preserved by the temperature, and whoever the heck was fronting was starving and "couldn’t stand the thought of wasting that poor food" (why the pity on the FOOD being unloved and rejected?? why NEVER pity on ourself being the same???) and snuck out to that horrid garbage heap and ate them right off the dirt, brushing bits of soot and soil and ants off them in the process. Good God. How did we even survive.
They/we threw everything up in a panic shortly after. That was Tobiko's doing. She remembers that more clearly than anyone.
It wasn't the last time that happened. Someone grew fond of the process at one point, of the act of scavenging, of "finding food in the wild" and the time-consuming, stimming process of that fused with a broken sense of accomplishment and achievement. It never lasted long, but God knows they tried, over and over and over, until that last day with the Indian food. Thank God that hell is over forever.

The bloody Klondike bars and avocados. That was the WORST of it, shortly before UPMC. We realized that our body hated dairy, hated fat, hated chocolate, but we ALSO realized that the consistency of those foods was ideal for bingeing and purging, plus our body was seeking sweets out of childhood comfort desperation AND everyone we knew was INSISTING we "eat as much fat as possible."
So guess who binged on like eighteen entire avocados and ten packs of Klondike bars one night.
It was forced. It was forced so hard we thought we were possessed. We thought we were going to die. There's no memory of anything outside one hysterical moment when someone was shoving more chocolate into our mouth and thinking, why?? I don't want this, NOBODY wants this, I'm scared and sick and I just want to sleep, why can't I stop???
I don't know how that ended. All we know is that the family KNEW and they WATCHED IT HAPPEN and then afterwards they asked if we had "learned our lesson."
SHUT UP. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON, DON'T ASK IF WE "LEARNED OUR LESSON" BECAUSE THERE WASN'T EVEN A LESSON IN IT WE WERE JUST SO DESPERATE TO NOT BE IN PAIN ANYMORE YOU IGNORANT TROLLOP
Triple, watch your language. Be angry, but don't be so brusquely inconsiderate about it, please.
IT'S WHAT VOCAB WE HAVE FOR THIS KIND OF INTENSE PAIN. i'm sorry. i have no other words besides screaming.

Let's continue.

Coconut oil. the NIGHTMARE that is coconut oil. HOW much money was blown on that??
It was the best stim food and it was the SCARIEST one BY FAR, and that is SAYING something.
Our body does NOT like oil, and when you're literally buying PACKS of it because this kind FREEZES and becomes not only biteable and sharp, but chewy if you mix it with protein powder, and your poor malnourished body is craving both those things so it's a recipe for disaster already. We… I don't even remember. Literally NO ONE we can find even remembers, nothing beyond one snapshot of lying on the bathroom floor with that unmistakable special nauseating agony that comes from eating too much oil, literally begging God to not let them die, screaming in rage and determination that they'd NEVER do this again, someone (a Protector, Wreckage maybe, the Destroyer maybe, Laurie maybe) going outside in the 10pm dark and rain and throwing all of that garbage into the woods where it couldn't be salvaged (although we all knew someone would try).


…OV just came over and kissed us and someone actually wanted to give him a double flipoff in response. Not out of hatred, just out of "what the heck do you want us to do. We're tired and angry and can't do a SINGLE THING without your permission because we DON'T KNOW what we actually want and don't trust ourselves TO know right now. But we're overstimulated and overwhelmed and heartbroken and furiously distraught and you're kissing us like we're supposed to ignore all this agony and kiss you back. And God knows we WANT to. That's the problem. We WANT to, but then you'll call it self-sacrifice, and what the heck do we do??? We love you, we WANT to be with you, but our body wants something else and until we figure out what the heck it is, we CAN'T be with you because we won't be able to pay attention To you past this screaming discomfort and unsoothed pain. We don't know what the heck to do, and we hate that we have to snub and ignore you in the process of finding out simply because our brain cannot handle the stress of having to factor in another human being's presence and needs into our decisions and thoughts right now. We can't freaking multitask. Please don't force us to context shift so shockingly suddenly or we Will hit you, or bite you, like the monster and rabid dog we are at the moment. But we won't mean it, and we hope you know it, but we still can't take that risk of hurting you, so we completely shut down. We do nothing, we say nothing, we boil over like a kettle fit to explode, and we just want to get this problem figured out so we can safely let this scalding steam out so you can touch us without getting burned. That's all."



Do we eat? Do we drink?
This body has to use the bathroom. These clothes are too warm and soft and do you know what that's overstimulating? Because they make us WANT to sit and rest and relax and we CAN'T.
Iscah LOVES these clothes because that's ALL SHE DID. She rested, and relaxed, and took care of our body. When we wear these clothes, the body remembers that, and wants it just as badly. But in this context, no. No, here we're too afraid of ignoring people, of rejecting them, of the fact that OV just went and lay down on the freaking bed because he probably thinks we hate him when really WE JUST WANT TO DO THAT SAME BLOODY THING BUT WE WON'T BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LEAVE YOU.

what do we do. god. I don't know.

Is our body hungry?
It's thirsty. We haven't drank in over 3 hours and someone purged most of breakfast out of sheer dissociative panicked guilt, so that's even worse. Go use the bathroom, get a drink, then figure out what to do.
We can't eat without OV anyway, and he's hiding away from us. Did we hurt him?
…I don't know. I don't even know. I just hope he's okay. If he didn't, and he wanted to be alone, but was happy, would that be okay with you?
Of course it would be, but he's obviously not happy right now and that's the problem.
…Oh. Should we go talk to him, or…?
Maybe. I don't know. Maybe.
I think we should. Apologize for not being able to respond earlier, apologize for snubbing him on purpose because we were unable to respond in honesty to him.
All or nothing, huh.
Yeah. A curse and a blessing.
Are we done with this file for now, for the record?
Maybe? I think so. The big unanswered question is still: how do we eat food without turning it into a dissociatively abusive stim?
Eat it like we do in the mornings with him. Paying attention, letting everyone share it, not being stressed the heck out in the process. Stimming beforehand, even. Really, that's probably the smartest thing to do. Gotta find what works on short notice that won't hurt us or magnify negative emotions and do that.
Sounds good.
Body does need some self-care, though, so let's call it quits for now. Everyone good? Anyone got any last thing to say before we stop?
Just that Wegmans was a living hell, too, and we never want to go back there.
Then get over that place and every other place in our memory, kid. Forget them. Live here and now, and please, learn from that experience and stop thinking about it. Okay?
…Okay.
Just… let it go. Walk into memory and burn it to the ground if you have to. Whatever works. Just don't let it suck the joy out of our present life anymore. All right? We'll help you. We're safe now, all things considered. Just confused and hurting is all. But we're safe.
I know.
Then let's go talk to OV. He's the reason we can say that, after all.
We love him, even now. Does he know that?
That's what we're going to go make sure of, kid. Give me a minute.



Oh, wait!! One last vitally important thing.
The key to a successful stim is that it HAS to let our BRAIN shut down. Low-impact, low-speed, "mindless" activity so that we can DEEPLY relax, INSIDE. Books don't work, nor does TV, because they're too mentally stimulating. Food prep is too, actually-- that's why we keep hurting ourselves when we try! Same with the garage job. We try to dissociate with repetitive motion and forget that those motions have an end, both in result and process. That doesn't work for stimming!! However, THIS DOES. Weirdly, this typing REALLY helps, at least, in a different way-- it helps us untangle what hurts, and really See it. It doesn't alleviate the stress, just lets us know what we're looking at. What DOES help in a pinch is TUMBLR, on the phone, IF we do it safely. Yes, it Does work!! Because it's "mindless browsing" and you can link-hop FOREVER and find poetry and pretty pictures and just let our mind wander for HOURS if you have to. Spotify is almost this kind of stim but not really, because music demands Attention, but we can use that to a BETTER advantage because it draws us into our mind ENTIRELY. THAT'S an ideal stim, hence the old beloved walks in circles for hours, just imagining and thinking. My thing!! We've gotta find a way to do that again if we can. Maybe in the playroom, who knows. But we will. Anyway, yeah. When in doubt, grab Nelumbo, our beloved Samsung Galaxy S8 who we saved up for a year for and now had better use to show respect and gratitude for that!! Okay? We've got this. Now go tell the Arrows that we love them because they need us just as much as we need them even if they need space too!! Bye guys!!

-J.W.L. and the Lightraye aka Lotus Cathedral System ♥



060517

Jun. 5th, 2017 10:18 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

So I've pinpointed one of my BIGGEST obstacles to treatment.
I don't know how to be "casual" in my choices in treatment.
If I'm not PERPETUALLY "challenging" myself, I feel like a failure.
If I don't CONSISTENTLY choose the MOST DIFFICULT OPTION, I feel worthless.
Therefore, when I've conquered ALL my "available" challenges…
…I make more.

THAT'S what Team is concerned about: obsessive perfectionism.
It's a lose/lose; I'll NEVER be OK with peace & healing if my addled brain is still scared that such "taking it easy" is WRONG… that not battling demons unendingly means I've BECOME one.
To my current distorted mindset, a lack of "challenge"-- no; a lack of something BAD to actively battle & conquer, "betrays" weakness & "unwillingness to do what's RIGHT." Slacking off. Being lazy. Chickening out. Disappointing GOD by not living up to my full Good potential. By irresponsibility.
If I'm NOT "fighting the Good fight," then I'm saying I don't care if Good loses.
It's SO distorted. It makes me nauseous.
Why does my brain view the PEACE that COMES from VICTORY as a PROBLEM???
BUT every time I do something easy, or comforting, or enjoyable-- EVEN IF said thing WAS once a huge challenge, like all my food-victories here… once it becomes "non-challenging," I feel like a morally corrupt, uncaring, overindulgent, hedonistic, devil-may-care slacker who couldn't give less of a care as to their state of conscience. Once I do the "easy thing," I feel like I'm being PROUD, selfish, lazy… evil. A saint once said that humility, that holiness, lay in always choosing the most difficult option.
What if NONE of the options are a challenge?
What if I'm so full of LOVE that nothing is a struggle anymore?

…Then my damaged brain makes it a struggle again.
It resets progress. It perpetuates challenge.
I HAVE NO FEAR FOODS, but "that's not a challenge," so…
I keep forcing myself to be afraid of foods.
And if THAT'S what's going to keep happening, I will NEVER let myself "be healed" OR "STAY healed." Because that's slacking off.

THAT'S A LIE.

The true challenge, paradoxically, is learning to stop trying so terribly hard to win a war that's NOT EVEN REAL.

And THAT'S the DEEPER huge problematic root to this compulsion: to me, to my poor distortion-plagued mind, the very CORE QUALITY of a challenge is that it has to HURT. It has to be a STRUGGLE. And on the flipside of that lurks the corrupted core belief that, if I like something… that's wrong.
WHY???
I freak out at EVERY snacktime because, by my loving nature, ALL the options are enjoyable; ALL the options are pain-free.
My challenge-obsessed mind sees that as a PROBLEM.
We're SUPPOSED to "challenge distorted behaviors," right?
Well, what if, at the heart of me, I don't have any??
If I am SO ultimately determined & indomitably willing to LOVE EVERYTHING & EVERYONE, myself included
well.
Then I'm at odds with my own mind.
Then I have to PUT OBSTACLES IN MY OWN WAY, just to "prove" to others that I CAN overcome them.
But. And this is the REAL problem:
If I would ENJOY the challenge, if it would "feel good,"
then it's NOT an option.
"Challenges have to HURT," remember.
So I'd feel that refusing happiness was a "VICTORY" because it would mean that I SUFFERED in the refusal… but "I made it through."
Therefore, I "challenged myself."

It's all a disgustingly distorted mess.

I need to eliminate the word "challenge" from my vocabulary at this point.



…And I need to heal my view of "progress," too.


-The REAL "challenge" is FEARLESSLY LOVING EVERYTHING in joyful courageous victory OVER this mindset, AND regardless of what other people REFUSE to love-- CHALLENGE THAT!!!


prismaticbleed: (soniccity)



therapy today:

mom came with us. this is fine; we love her and we all agreed on this. she has data we don't and talks better and is basically a huge help towards the "external life aspect" of therapy that we, personally, tend to struggle with greatly (being so acutely internal).

main topics:
1. eating disorder issue: origins, current symptoms, how to treat
2. were you abused, when did it start, basically "what the heck happened as you've never talked about it." mom assumed a lot and it was entirely false but it at least helped us see what she thought initially, and allowed us to clarify things in a more step-by-step manner in that respect.

nevertheless, despite those being the focus, branched topics were all over the place because we literally closed our eyes for the whole session and let our mom talk for most of it at first, then just responded as needed AND SWITCHED AS NEEDED (which we can do if we are in such a "detached" state) which allowed a lot of honesty. so if something came up, it came up. nothing was censored, we wanted to make progress here just as much as everyone else.

as a result of the standby mode + switching madly on the downstairs level, I can't say what happened for most of it, but rest assured it was VERY productive and informative for everyone.

the eating disorder topic hurt to hear mom describe, because it was an outline of all the "bad stuff" that we hate, and are ashamed of, and want to stop but don't know how yet (or at least, didn't quite then).

that segued into a RELIGIOUS discussion briefly, not sure how, but there was a lot of talk about "feeling spiritually filthy" AND "spiritually empty" and, most importantly, "never feeling close enough to God," and how THAT was the ultimate "wound" that the eating disorder was trying and failing miserably to bandage up.

somehow we ended up discussing the "I need someone to hit me if they love me" thing, tied to "retribution=forgiveness" and the childhood fear of "if I'm not punished, it means they don't care about my soul, and I'll NEVER be forgiven" etc. all tied to laurie and the retributors, all discussed so much in the past, still terribly relevant.
but I'm glad it was brought up again because our mother thought we were trying to "make her hit us" as TRICKERY to get her in legal trouble??? which is bizarre, so I'm glad that someone inside was at least able to defend our real motives there.

there was a lot of religious discussion concerning that-- guilt, and shame, and "feeling filthy," and "never feeling holy enough," and "I'm a stain on the world" and "I cannot forgive myself" et cetera. all the very wretched and excruciating thoughts that have been running on constant aching loop in our heart and head for months now, louder than ever, but which originated in childhood. it's at the root of so much self-abusive behavior… just this awful self-destructive hope of sorts, that divinely inspired despair at realizing how dirty your temple of a body is, and wanting to tear it to shreds and rebuild it totally anew to finally be worthy of God… but getting tangled in the tar-thick feelings of mortification and self-hatred and rage and despair. ugly ugly stuff, and like I said, it feeds every bit of abusive behavior we've ever had, I think.

mom started to cry a little at some point and then stuff got twice as interesting.

immediately, THE "RAGE" alter fronted, like a freight train. she's partly internal so she has a KICK when she fronts and it opened our consciousness a bit too.
but, she was actually hurting the body as a way of trying to reroute the "rage" at seeing mom cry? punching, biting, pulling hair. growling, voice a loud harsh bark, almost hyperventilating from overwhelm. she said she was furious-- but not at mom!! she was mad THAT she was crying. she blamed herself, it was all GUILT. she felt dirty/angry/wrong, it was unbearable, and so she was REROUTING that by "punishing" herself? that plus the pain took away the anger towards mom, and allowed her to "let her cry." otherwise, 'rage' wanted to hurt mom? to make her stop crying instead? bizarre. very important though; did we ever fully discuss why that happens? check!

at this, the therapist said, you need a better way to let the anger out. rage said "I don't know how," response was try CRAYONS. we said yes, please, but she only had markers & chunky colored pencils. we said "those are the wrong texture," but we would try the pencils (markers are too smooth, they don't "do" rage). however, when we got them the anger had faded to anxiety as we were now obsessing over colors in the absence of correct visceral texture. the rage wasn't quite black, or red, or yellow-- and it wasn't blue, that was a sort of sadness, but not quite. at this the therapist said, "less thinking, more doing." so instinctively, we felt that the only real way to "let the emotion out" PROPERLY was through forgetting color entirely and going for FEELING. so RAZOR CAME OUT, flipped the pencil around, and just "cut" the paper with the blunt end of it (she started with black, then switched to red). she was TALKING while she did this, totally calm, saying she "does this all day inside," and it "makes her happy." said she didn't understand anger or sadness that the other people felt, but she knew it was there. notably she did ask knife "can I talk?" at first, wasn't sure if it was safe and/or proper.

KNIFE fronted on her heels to talk a bit, I think in response to something the mother asked? said he wasn't angry at people who cry-- he empathized, and wanted to "comfort" them ("that's what pink people do"). mentioned the children feeling such infinite sadness, how we couldn't cry because it either didn't stop (when they did) or it was "fake" (when tears were expressed by someone who wasn't meant to cry? like a manic social).

at some point, the rage alter came out again and the therapist said "just listen to me one second," to which rage said "I can't, but someone else can." so, cognizant of her own failing, she bravely (but difficultly!) stepped out, let go of that anger, and who stepped in but LYNNE! so she took a deep breath (the body was quite shaken I recall) and listened. I don’t know to what, but I'm so glad she's still acting as the "stabilizer" she was initially born to be.


the biggest thing about therapy?
we have a game plan now.
we're getting a FEEDING TUBE.
yes that's a bit major, but THANK GOD, because it's exactly what we need right now. our body is obviously nutrient starved-- emotions are a mess, we can't think straight, we can't ever eat enough but are always hungry physically and psychologically… and the physical symptoms are a whole other scary list on their own. but right now, medically, our body CANNOT eat the food it needs to get enough nutrients. we have too many limitations, and then psychosomatically, too many foods are dangerous and/or unverified medical problems (like nuts & seeds). so it's a real hellish struggle every day, and it's just making us sick and miserable, and quite frankly the feeding tube will be a gift from God in the respect that it will:
1. give us those nutrients,
2. without having to obsess miserably over food, AND
3. therefore removing the hours of abusive prep time/ purging/ etc. of the eating disorder hell.
plus we'll probably get a few bonus days in the hospital to get it in/ adjust, which is great because our June hospital visit was shockingly recuperative and spiritually powerful and Pax was born there for heaven's sakes. we've always been fond of hospitals, but that was our first overnight stay, and we honestly would not mind another one (and may even need one right now).

there's only one concern about this tube really:
we're afraid of the "void" that rears its head when we don’t eat.
like the sad alter said (jess?), the eating disorder itself is a rerouting. it's NOT the real issue. it's a shoddy attempt at covering up a wound. if we didn't eat, we'd be doing something else just as repetitive and abusive and time-consuming: like locking ourself in the bathroom and cutting our hair and skin and nails and everything for hours (which we have done; the sensory aspect is just like the purging). so you see it's just a like locking ourself in the bathroom and cutting our hair and skin and nails and everything for hours (which we have done; the sensory aspect is just like the purging). so you see it's just a symptom of a larger issue. it's a distraction, something akin to physiological "noise" to drown out whatever is lurking in the silence.

I forget how therapy ended; I think we just reiterated points like the above… but all I know is, for whatever reason, as it wound down, jay came out, quietly.

and jay noticed razor's paper on the couch, and his heart kind of melted with an ache; he picked it up gently, and softly said, "she's never done anything like that before… this means a lot to me."
and then he reached into our bag, to put it away, and he opened up the folder.
the red one, with hearts on it, and all our pictures and handwriting inside it.
and he started sobbing.
he covered his face with it and hugged it and just wept. the therapist asked what was going on, and he said,
"this is it. this is what we're missing. this is what belongs in the void we're trying to fill.”



somewhere along the line, we internalized this idea that "if someone is suffering more than we are, we don't deserve to be happy as that's abusive and selfish. we need to make ourselves suffer just as much."
motives may be good, but really, how is total self-destruction going to help that other person suffering? empathy won't give them food or shelter or clothing or love. it'll just make you too damn tired and sick and weak TO help them with those actual needs.
it's twisted, and we NEED to untangle and soothe it, but that's a process. we'll work on it.

and the key word is always "we."
WE ARE JOY. the very realization of our collective existence, the instant tapping-into of it, is bliss. we feel complete, we feel alive. we become able to dream again, the future opens up into a kaleidoscope of doors and windows, we learn how to hope
none of that is possible if WE don't exist. all good things require our multiplicity.
happiness is absolutely on that list.

somewhere along the line, that "I must suffer" mindset decided that burying and suppressing our multiplicity was somehow both "a proper sacrifice" and "a way to suffer intensely." I think the former was "because our multiplicity is too weird/ an inconvenience/ misunderstood/ etc. and therefore by trying to murder it, I'll make other people happy!" and in the process, if you were spiritually bleeding, all the better, right?
no. no no no no no.
you've got it all wrong.
NO GOOD HAS EVER BEEN ACCOMPLISHED BY ABANDONING OUR MULTIPLE IDENTITY.
suppressing "us" has ONLY EVER HURT OURSELF AND OTHERS.

do you see??

JOY IS A VIRTUE. and a very important one too.
our existence is joyful. it's healthy, and LOVING, and full of faith and hope and charity.
we take care of ourself and we take care of others and we are GOOD PEOPLE.

by turning that off… what do you hope to accomplish?
you're just afraid, afraid of "hurting people by being an abnormal freak," when you poor thing, if you'd just pause and look at the big picture you'd see that you never hurt anyone with being a multiple system, you only hurt people by IGNORING IT.
all the abusive alters? they ignore and deny the system.
all the lost and damaged alters? they ignore and deny the system.
all those people you're afraid of offending by "being a freak?" honestly if they're thinking of you AS a "freak" I wouldn't lose any sleep over whether or not you're "hurting their feelings." if they would judge you so harshly, if they would deny you compassion and any attempt at understanding or care, then "hurting their feelings" is playing to their judgment, NOT any sort of genuine concern for your spiritual well-being. and if that IS their concern, explain to them how our multiple state PRESERVES our spiritual well-being!! you can do that!

I'm talking too much, I'm sorry.

the ultimate message here:
we're allowed to be happy and healthy.
being happy and healthy will allow us to take better care of others.
we CANNOT take proper care of others if we are denying ourself sleep, health, and happiness.
if you would deny yourself those things, some part of your subconscious is going to have no qualms denying those things to others.

you are not whole if you won't acknowledge your whole.

do you understand?

we are joyful, together. forgive yourself. allow yourself to participate in that. I guarantee you, the wound will heal. it will take time, but it will heal.
hurts heal faster in loving company, too.


we'll survive this, if we admit that we want to survive (we do), and we are allowed to have that happiness (we are).
a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
so stop stuffing yourself under a bushel basket.

let yourself be warm and bright, and then share that exuberance with everyone you meet.
you can't give what you don't have.

open your heart and let the light flow in.
you can't help but radiate, when it does.

we'll be okay.

 

 




prismaticbleed: (Default)



new therapist, second appointment

notes from paper immediately after session ended:

★PRINT STUFF! she needs basic refs!!
★ start bringing morpheus everywhere again and taking AUDIO NOTES on everything notable that day/ moment. we are losing so much info from work and from daily life because we're not recording it fast enough, and then dates+details get lost. that isn't good!


drawing= gave us markers. drew tree, house, person (no face!!)
realized we were drawing SYMBOLS. inherently empty.
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T "JUST DRAW"; subject needs a context/life in it?
we cannot draw "a" person, or "a" house-- those are empty concepts! BUT we can draw a specific person or house, and the detail+effort jumps SIGNIFICANTLY as well because we are trying to portray a truth.
BUT that very fact includes heavy responsibility of proper representation. this can be overwhelming, often terrifying. why we don't like drawing people; it's like a photo legend, you're "capturing a bit of their soul" in that and you CAN'T LIE. therefore the thought of making a mistake in representing them isn't just a "visual error," it's a LIE in the same way the young wizards books tell it and that is HUGE.
is that true?
either way, we need a way to manage that better so we CAN draw again.

julie fronted, talked a little.
therapist let us then draw anything= we drew a shining heart, a pink lotus (julie drew), leaves/swirls, stars (lynne drew, having lots of fun)

talked about Spectrum. MOST CENTRALITES SPOKE UP.
javier= surprised us that he came out; spoke a bit about red? barely fronted though; he's not comfy with talking outside yet so i'm just aware he was there, not what he said. i can still feel lingering pain in him over the reset of dec 2013? and how that damaged red. HELP HIM HEAL.
lynne= all the orange talk. true to her description, she was very easy to talk to and very merry in her disposition; honestly of everyone upstairs she probably has the least trouble fronting on a dime and talking to TOTAL STRANGERS. most internal people don't even know how to front in social contexts, but lynne just comes right out smiling.
josephina= trying to correctly describe yellow; mentioned how it is tied to the "screaming" feeling (not anger, JUST screaming, like a blind hell sound) and anxiety, BUT that it shouldn't be "defined" by that heavy negativity? said he was trying to emphasize the goodness of yellow-- sunlight, flowers, things like that. but said it was still a difficult process.
nathaniel= describing green as a sort of "neutral" color in the system? notably, "not gray neutral;" said green was HORIZONTAL and gray was VERTICAL? in terms of their balancing feeling. green was like an expanse of grass; a safe and comforting and calm "baseline" for everything to rest upon/within? like that's green, that very feeling of "safe rest."
leon= describing the vibe of the indigo realm, trying to put into similar words the feeling of that color in and of itself-- mentioned the fog and snow and quiet, and the dusky color, but said it was NOT negative or depressing or oppressive? said it was that sort of "before night" feeling, there's a life to it, even in that silence; indigo is about COMPREHENSION in the "inner sight" way? hard to verbalize. it's understanding something, not a "lightbulb moment" but more of a "getting the truth" in a more solid, permanent click. settling in. but the indigo vibe itself is all about being tuned into that discernment and openness of mind and such. also mentioned "indigo is SCALES" and touched his necklace. still not sure how that applies exactly?
laurie= out for a short time; she has trouble just "chatting" and wasn't quite sure how to express herself so quickly. i know she was trying to describe the feeling of violet but it's so powerful, both in its nature and in what it means to her, she couldn't find the words. i remember mentions of it being "like a soldier" but with devotion/ dedication/ protection, how it was that sense of "giving your life for something" out of that same ardor and compassion? but violet is also independent in that it "evangelizes" or something??? in how violets will actively go out and help/ teach/ guide others without making themselves a teacher in the school-like sense; they're more like "voices in the desert?" i remember that concept being totally under-described, we don't have the ready vocabulary for it yet. but it's very important.
julie= besides her drawing, i don't recall what she said? i know she was describing pink as being feminine and soft and pure and caring, but besides that general known info i don't know what else was disclosed.
eros= made it very clear that cerise was "lustless sensuality" and that this was DEEPLY IMPORTANT to us, not just as a system/ as individuals inside, but also in how we interacted with the ENTIRE OUTSIDE WORLD. we do need to talk about this more, it's so important
sherlock= no idea? he mentioned it was data and knowledge, and i think he revisited nathaniel's "balance" bit, but he didn't front for long.
waldorf tried to talk but couldn't, kyanos peeked in and maybe said a few words?
spine, infinitii, and jay DID NOT FRONT OR TALK.

we found it interesting that the colors we couldn't make with markers-- lime and aqua-- were the two colors that STILL had no Centralites assigned to them, and which still felt unstable.
PLEASE GO INSIDE AND FIGURE THIS OUT ASAP.

wattson talked mainly this session?

"definitive person" concept for colors? i.e. "if a person perfectly embodied the attributes of this color, what would they be like?" lynne described orange!
orange is warmth and ebullience and "the kind of person who lights up a room" and "could befriend everyone in a room full of strangers" etc. like our dad, but with an extra "gregarious" (key word!) warmth.
interesting because orange isn't social for the sake of being social?? like oranges are perfectly fine being alone? they're just always a hearth. kind to animals and children, take care of houses, always smiling. "big guy" build vibe, like a gentle giant without the shyness. we NEED to type about this stuff more in depth, it's fascinating

BLACK is "safe" motherly because it is "SPACE"/ a concept field, NOT A PERSON!!!
pink is NOT motherly, it's virginal?? too clear/pure.
(white= "true masculinity?" NO ADULTS concept)

talked briefly about system levels, socials + context locks, faceless/nameless phenomenon, socials having no sense of self, SELF ONLY EXISTING IN A VACUUM???

going home= abusive; "it's an abusive place SO we abuse ourself there"
HOLDING PATTERN (inescapable social mode??)
we have NO addictions away from home? if we're on the road all day we don't even THINK about harming ourself, EVER. but automatically when we walk in the door, that automated addiction starts IMMEDIATELY.
WE NEED TO REDEFINE THE CONTEXT OF THE HOUSE.

tied to symbol-drawing of house: therapist asked what it'd be like to live there, we said "you couldn't;" it was just a depiction. BUT, if you could, it would feel like a very anxious 'interim.' like you weren't supposed to live there. it was just a "standby place," someplace unfit for "living in." thought that was interesting.

talked about razor, the jewels, sylvain in brief.

COLORS!!!!❤



questions to ask ourself in the aftermath of mistakes/ missteps/ bad situations:

1. what did you do right?
2. what could you have improved?
3. what were you aware of?
4. what would you do differently?
5. what would you do the same?

 

 

 



prismaticbleed: (drained)

 


The past few days have been in "compressed time" mode which means that, despite only being about 100 hours, it feels as if it has been 100 days.
The "indian food" hell lasted exactly 3 days, which is typical, and stopped as suddenly as it started, thank God.
The similar tied obsession with the vanilla coconut butter lingered until today due to it having an "incredible texture" and therefore being latched onto by one of the eating socials, the young one (12? 13?) who doesn't understand suffering and genuinely is a good kid but is too careless as well. Yesterday we bought a bunch and planned to save it but as usual, the "God warning" of everyone in the house suddenly swarming the kitchen the instant we try to eat happened, and lasted for several hours, so we were unable to focus. Therefore no data stuck, which was very bad because apparently we got disastrously ill from the oil content, as someone added what had to be an entire extra jar of it to the mixture. It's a blur; virtually the whole day is missing from memory.
Today we tried once more and it went well until someone actually swallowed like two spoonfuls and immediately we had a compulsive vomiting meltdown. This is not intentional; it is a body reaction and we need to be very mindful of those as they are not under our control.
We did make a good salad today, and Emmett and Aimee ate it mainly. They also "shared" it with the Phantomilian Jewel, who is the "writer Jewel" (age 12?) who has strong fronting roots and probably counts as a pseudo-core, but who, today, realized that she is NOT an artist or musician, but an idea channel. She's tied to the "outspacer root" potential, so she can't create on her own, but she can easily create within other existing contexts. Therefore she's trying to hold a Phantomilian form because not only would that reflect her more individually, but also because nonhuman forms are much, much safer. Also I should clarify that despite using "she" pronouns, this Jewel, too, counts as childhood-androgynous which basically boils down to them not giving much of a hoot about gender in general.

August has been declared to be "no addiction month" and we are extremely hopeful and grateful and excited for it. The past two weeks, as was mentioned in the previous entry here, have been similarly time-jammed in that tons of healing events are happening ridiculously fast and with actual completion tied to them. We have no idea what could have instigated this sudden dramatic progress jump (besides prayer) but we are not complaining ot picking it apart; we are simply inundated with thankfulness and are doing our absolute best to respond accordingly to such vast improvements by integrating them as quickly and entirely and smoothly as possible.

There's not much else to say about today. We are going to watch tonight's Steven Universe episode and then possibly put our thoughts together concerning the marathon so far, if we have any such thoughts. We tend to just absorb, not analyze. So despite being deeply moved and inspired by much of what we've seen in the past 10 episodes, there's not much to discuss. But we will try to make sure.

We are trying to sell more items as we are desperate to make some extra money to pay off debts ASAP. This is exhausting as the process of photos and typing and listing and all that technical work is actually mentally taxing and it wears us out very quickly. But it must be done.

We also want to get back into composing music but ever since last winter's computer crash, the program hasn't worked properly. We aren't sure how to fix it, as we lost half our instruments and half our files, and furthermore the files we have left largely won't open or play. So that alone destroyed a lot of our motivation.
Nevertheless we realize that there are alters built for writing music and if they have to start again from square one they probably can. We need to find them and ask them to work instead as they are the only ones who can.
One very, very notable thing about this topic that Jay discovered by accident while listening to the old iPod is that, for us, the most potent and powerful and instantaneous way to summon an alter is by music. Music is profoundly important to us as a whole, on every level, and its most interesting quaity is that songs are literal bubbles of time. Any given song that we know has an exact mood and time period tied to it, and this can be used for good or ill, and it is virtually impossible to rewrite or overwrite once it has been established. Certain alters are practically fused to certain songs, and those songs are the ONLY way to even find certain alters, most notably socials, as their existence requires "internal ignorance" and as a result our levels generally aren't even conscious of each other. But music bridges that gap, as far as summoning goes. This is vitally important.
The point I'm making here is, we know exactly what songs are tied to certain time periods of university and such that resonate with artists and musicians. If we can listen to those songs more and let those alters simply move in and take over-- even if they do still think it's 2009-- then we can "get back into" art and music effortlessly, because for those alters they never stopped to begin with.

Speaking of winter, it still feels as if we haven't seen a single once since 2013. Last year is missing entirely, and 2014 feels like a timeline already dead to us. We haven't quite adjusted into any sort of solid timeline in the wake of all that mess yet, but hopefully what we're experiencing now is that process finally occurring.

We have not been sleeping well, averaging between 3-5 hours a night for about two weeks now. Same with food, when we do eat it's one meal a day and barely scrapes 1000 calories if we're pushing it. We have not been keeping track due to the huge amount of switching and dissociation tied to eating but we are aware that it hasn't been smart. So this is not helping our health. We have also been too haggardly weak to exercise post-hospital but we are trying our best to at least get back into walking again. Our best option would be to start doing our nightly kitchen walks with the iPod again, as those were a solid hour of pure System meditation every day, and God knows we need that more than anything else currently.
We listened to the entire Todd Rundgren concert we recorded from earlier this year while walking about two weeks ago, and that night is already solid and beloved in our memory, just wandering in tired circles while reliving that experience and watching bone broth simmer on the stove at 12am. It's such an odd but lovely thing to have memories sticking again like that, but again, it's shown that only certain kinds of memories stick, and we need to be conscious and full of wonder and love tohave such memories. Numb and selfish and ignorant and manic alters cannot remember things.

Jay downloaded a few GBC/GBA ROMs and he is playing the Pokemon GSC trio in his downtime to help relax. That trio is very dear to our collective heart, as it was practically Jewel's native world back in 2001-2002. It has the same "at home" feeling that Nier and Klonoa and the Genesis Sonic games do-- it's hard to explain, but the simple sight of the scenery, or the sound of the music and sfx, is not only deeply comforting but also grounding. Like the general experience of those games feels safe, and right, and good and true and happy. There are a few other games that fit this bill to an extent, but when it really comes down to could I exist in this game-world as a PERSON, then it gets very individualized and Nier & Klonoa win out. This is a topic we should write more on, remind me. It has that heart-glow quality to it that indicates it has enough love tied to it to inspire a great deal of writing.

We're learning to tap into intuition again, and the future-hope of getting Pokemon GO is helping greatly, as we're going to join Team Instinct not just because Zapdos is beloved to us, but because a team based on faith/ intuition/ trust is exactly our vibe. But, with that in mind, we keep reminding ourself to check our instinct" when we make tricky decisions and it is helping a LOT. Our gut feelings are very reliable, surprisingly and thankfully. What I wanted to mention though is that in order to properly use this intuition we have to channel Zapdos. We're used to channeling all sorts of monsters and characters from all sorts of worlds, and Pokemon takes up the majority of such sorts, but it's still eyebrow-raising to realize how easily and smoothly and quickly we CAN begin "channeling," or even becoming, a new Pocket Monster with solid roots and a function, even if they only exist within that function. That's no issue though, as many of us nousfoni exist like that as well, as it's far less stressful and confusing than trying to exist as a "conglomerate" in too many situations. Splitting things up is more efficient and healthy for us.

We are trying, very hard, to get back to living AS a System again. The two sole obstacles in our way are:
1. the grandmother not quite understanding the concept at all due to a simple life-view and religious blinders, and
2. the mother and brother constantly insisting that we're "fake" and "making it up for attention" and "toying with their minds," etc.
These are huge stumbling blocks, especially the second, as their reactions to us quickly became so brutally accusing and scathing and scary, that we began to shut down instantly in their presence, and after so many weeks the socials were forced into full-time function despite their being lethally broken and damaged, solely because the mind decided we could not survive living as our true self because we couldn't cope with this family response. That's why we're a mess right now; our psyche LITERALLY judged that mental suicide was "safer" than asserting our existence because let's face it; we were having so many breakdowns it was unreal, and we could NOT cope. We got too sick too often, we landed in the hospital, we couldn't recover from that well either... you get the idea. But now we have enough evidence saying "hey we know this seemed like a viable option but it's killing our mind AND body now so it needs to stop." And the mind is letting us come back, BUT it's scared because we still live with the mom & bro and they are still completely unaccepting of our System's existence. But we just need to accept that and ignore it. It's all we can do, is just leave the room when they start. I know the kids want to start screaming and sobbing but that just makes the family members react with even more acidity. So we just need to bail, and take time for ourself, instead of sticking around and shutting down and having to deal with the resulting forced-out numb social's eating disorder abuse. It's a coping mechanism, it has to be. They've said, many times, that they "feel they have no reason to live other than eating," and maybe that IS true, what with their highly minimal functions. They're forced out in stressful times to numb everything out and "just survive," not existing beyond that crude goal, so "living to eat" may indeed define them exactly. HOWEVER it's notable that they're now aware of this and unhappy with it. This first spark of self-awareness is the prerequisite for a social to become an internal, gaining a color and a face and a name and a life, and God knows that if we could get THOSE socials to that point at long last, all our biggest problems would stop dead, beautifully so, and we'd be free to actually exist, to actually live again, as us.

That's all we want to say for now. Our mind is getting into borderline poet mode (things are becoming more imaginative and floaty) so I cannot type anymore or I will be pushed out and someone else will be pushed in. This is not bad, it's just not proper for this entry. Let them write their own, unhindered by topic context. We need their free-flowing thoughts just as much as we need this data. It's crucial to stay bright inside, it defines us all.

I wish you all well tonight, and thank you for reading this.

 

prismaticbleed: (soniccity)



so i've spent today mostly playing undertale, listening to choir music and keane on spotify, and scrubbing down a dodge until my sleeves were soaked.

right now i'm so tired, i have a vague headache, i'm cold and rather weak, but i'm so content. like i feel so quietly happy despite it all.
laughably it reminds me of that odd 'high' you get from anaesthetic in the hospital. i suppose it's fitting, since we still can't stop thinking about death, and these serenely happy states add another level by stating "if i died right now i would be perfectly happy."
this contentment is the all-forgiving, all-accepting state of mind that makes regrets impossible and love absolute.


i always feel guilty about this though.
"get out of your comfort zone," they say.
well right now i'm asking why? why are we always pushed to condemn comfort when we get it? god knows we need to enjoy this right now. to feel this safe and calm, this is wonderful. i'm going to be as comfortable as i can in this, for as long as it lasts.

it's just such a strange feeling lately, to feel like death is always embracing me, and i'm just... swimming in that feeling. like i feel so ephemeral, so ethereal, that if i died i don't know if it would feel much different.
i wouldn't have a problem with that if i didn't have this nagging feeling that it would be leaving too soon.
i'm still not entirely sure what we're meant to do here. i mean we are doing a lot, on several fields, but it feels like there's unfinished business yet.
even so, in these moods, there's no attachment to anything, even that business. everything just moves into that distant perspective of "it's just one life, one save file. it's not forever."
and yet it is, isn't it? isn't everything a note in the cosmic orchestra? sure the note only lasts for a moment, but it's part of the song, however tiny, and in that it has significance of worth.
i do too. everything does.

maybe we need to take a break. maybe that's what this is.
it's very, very interesting, because although we're so floaty and tired that it's hard to function physically, only wanting to "sleep" or "go inside"... the instant we close our eyes, and are pulled into internal floatspace or anchorspace... everything is 100% clear.
that's what's making me wonder. as long as i can remember (a handful of years, if that), we've had this ability to "instantly meditate." it's a part of the d.i.d. thing. we can, almost immediately, go from external perception to internal perception, moving out of the body and into that limitless space of soft light. and we just float there. it's so so profoundly reassuring and centering; a few seconds there, sincerely, and the benefits are massive to our psyche.
it's amazing what we can do just by being a system. tired? then go inside and literally rest in headspace, while the body stays conscious and moves. you WILL feel better, maybe not entirely, but notably enough. and if you're one of the eating-disorder alters, and you really really want to eat, or maybe just bite or chew, or maybe you just like getting things for the concept instead of ever eating anything... again, we can do ALL of that inside. lately we've been telling that one young super-depressed eater to just go into headspace and eat all she wants, because she's panicking that we can't shop all the time for her food but no one but her CAN eat it!! so laurie and i are helping her feel safe, inside especially, so she can have what she wants tangibly inside without the painful consequences of doing that outside-- which, ironically, isn't as tangible because of dissociation and panic and switchiness.
so yeah. it's fascinating.

but it's that constant "need" to just stop everything and go just sit or float inside. maybe not even interact, just BE on the inside. tune into your vibe. my vibe. who we are.
we do need that now, more than anything.



last thing i want to say. you know how i mentioned that chaos 0 and i are so important to the function of headspace, because of that immense love and the effect that has on us all? well apparently that branches out to all love, and it's leaking out to affect other alters when it's not super-personal?
what i'm trying to say is. with undertale. i really really like undyne. and this morning i was shocked because all of a sudden, i have WORKING LINKS with her and alphys and papyrus and they're in conceptual heartspace talking with me and... undyne's a soldier, we wanted to "live up to that," we knew she wouldn't approve of us treating ourself badly or slacking off or being a "weenie" with honor and such... the important thing is that is platonic love and since it was being felt in a floaty state of mind, it was reaching the damaged alters EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN'T KNOW HER PERSONALLY, and suddenly that super-depressed eater girl puts down the bag of chips she's been obsessed with for the past week and says she's not hungry for it anymore.
and she wasn't. and i was amazed. all of a sudden she had self-worth. all of a sudden, in picking up on this affection i had for undyne, even just as an observer, she picked up on the vibe and it lifted hers up to a better level... one where, like me, she didn't think badly of herself at all.
it's hard to put this into words.
undertale is being played by me but the data is open to the whole system and everyone loves it and so, when i start feeling intense personal affection for the characters in that game, everyone else can get that data too. not as a personal experience, but as information? like, stepping into a memory that's not yours. you getwhat's going on even if it's not your experience. again, does that make sense?

point is. my somewhat funny fondness for a fish-girl was still sincere and unhidden enough to reachable by the damaged kids, and it's teaching them what it feels like to feel something so bright and clear and simply honest. you have to hold that within yourself first, as part of yourself, for yourself by extension.
yes i adore chaos zero but that is so intense and personal that other people in the system cannot pick up on it. it's too intimate. whereas, something like a burst of friendship is neutral and benevolent enough for anyone to tap into.
but the key, the key is that i didn't bury it. i WASN'T ASHAMED, which jewel would be (is?) super proud of. i realized that i was doing the silly smiling thing and calling her "sweetheart" during the boss fight even as i worried intensely for her well-being, panicking like she was... and then the dialogue said she was hyperventilating or something and instinctively i blow a kiss at the screen and tell her it'll be fine, it's going to be okay, and god didn't we feel this same sort of thing for davy way back when and we shoved it in our own subaqueous treasure chest for that entire time? for years our immediate reaction to love of any sort was to panic and stomp it out. we didn't understand then, not what we were feeling or why, we were too damaged and programmed at the time.
but i'm not. i get this for everyone but sometimes it gets a little sharper and i just beam with it and that's real love, it's totally neutral and luminous and the most positive thing you could ever feel.
and it's flooding out and down and over to the kids who never knew what it was like to even be capable of that sort of radiance. they've tasted something different now, something that isn't weighing them down and making them sick, and suddenly they're realizing THAT'S what I've been trying to find everywhere, and God if we can keep this up, if we can keep this love in any context going on a near-constant daily basis, SO much would heal in an instant.

and i'm totally content again. tired, cold, still a little sick, but smiling, because i know we're all greater than these temporary physical limitations but i love this body too as its own thing and i want to take care of it, i want to see everyone in this system healthy and happy, and in this moment i am so happy i could die, but.
but that same love is making me feel determination. and i'm saying,
"i would rather keep living, to see this love settle in even deeper and brighter, both inside and outside. i want to live as this, for this, until we've healed all the broken pieces in us, and then if we want to move on, we will."

there are tinier ways to die anyway. little deaths all through the day. remember death is only the opposite of birth, not of life. life goes on. always and everywhere. so when i feel these tiny deaths to one thing i'm born into another and it just keeps going, on and on, and every transition feels grander and greater than the last, even if it's miniscule, and i can feel the cosmos in my bloodstream and in the very air i breathe and i haven't felt claustrophobic in years because everywhere i go, it all feels like a hologram, like a shining shimmering masterpiece painted onto thin air. i feel the vastness of it all, in everything and outside of everything, at all times now.
and it makes me so happy.
i'm so happy all the time now.

but we're still incarnate so that means we still have work to do.
and, "don't lose it," i hear. "the feeling you have. that's important. it's the key to getting the work done."


isn't that in dream world, too? in the bit we were just writing again?

“Your paths will be troubled... But you must never fail to love one another. In the end, that may be all you need. It may be all any of us need.”

i can't say anything better than that right now.


words. good lord. language just doesn't cut it with this, not accurately enough at least.
but the effort counts. it always does.


it's late. 1am.
just wanted to write this down.

i love all of you readers and visitors. have a gorgeous night.








aug 6 2015

Aug. 6th, 2015 09:35 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

 

 


therapy today=
emotions can only be felt in DISSOCIATIVE STATES?
like we can't be IN the body and feel emotions, it's too confusing and jarring, as we always say.
when we are in a dissociated state though, where we're NOT "in the body" physically but we're "driving it like a giant robot," i.e. we're all upstairs and feeding data & commands into it, THEN emotions can get through because they're not hitting the obstacle of fronting. does that make sense?
things make more sense to us as data, it seems, even emotions. but data gets wrapped up in intuition for us. emotions can be felt if there is no "body awareness" getting in the way. emotions are completely separate from the sense of self. it seems. it's strange but interesting.


I realized a thing today. People always talk about how they love animals, etc. and I never understood that. I never really liked animals.
Then I visited my bro in his apartment and his cat (Mooka Mcgonagall) curled up on my feet and I just wanted to pepper her little cat face with kisses. Just because. And I realized that I never really had experience with being around animals in such a non-demanding context, so I never knew that I COULD like them, because I was so used to feeling "indebted" to them, like I couldn't just care for them, I had to be a slave to them. I always felt like that with people too. I'm not sure how that all started. But I found it interesting.

Javier fronted for a minute to say hi to the cat and he said a few sentences to the bro without announcing himself. But he was grinning so much, it was great.

 
----------------------------------


A SUDDEN REALIZATION:

SPINE IS SUPER IMPORTANT BECAUSE OF HOW THE BODY MUST BE VIEWED.
viewing the body as a "person" or "self" makes it ABUSIVE, PROUD, AND SELFISH.
viewing the body as a "vessel" or "vehicle," AS A "SKELETON," gives it the vibe of patient calm gentle discernment that SPINE HOLDS SO STRONGLY.
THIS IS WHY SHE'S IMPORTANT. SHE IS THE CORRECT BODY MANAGER.

 

 
prismaticbleed: (Default)


THE PRISMBLOOD CATHEDRAL SYSTEM

~2000-2015+



GENERAL INFORMATION

According to our therapists, we have what is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. In our terms, this simply means that we are a multitude of individuals all residing within one physical body.
We are an unusual case however, as our System was created specifically to function internally, as this was not only our original core's "default" state of existence, but also because we experienced significant inner trauma more often than we experienced outer trauma. Because of this, most of our members rarely "front" in the body as they have no need to (their roles concern our inner life).
Due to a lack of social interaction, a rather dysfunctional family, and an all-consuming imagination, the original child grew up with a very unusual view of reality, colored by magical thinking and an ignorance of how other, non-troubled individuals functioned. As this way of life did not alter until the body was about 17, our inner world reflects this weird and wonderful perspective.
Our System runs on a set of complex but fantastic rules, which some have compared to an RPG or a video game, but which is honestly how our core individuals see the world. There is a great deal of symbolism here, as well as a great emphasis on the power of thought, and the importance of love. Despite the terrors we have  all experienced, our lives together make a strangely inspiring tapestry of growth and wisdom, a long and arduous tale that ultimately reaches a happiness we once thought unattainable. The often "fantastic" operations of our inner world only serve to compliment that, helping us all believe that nothing is impossible, and that we can all rise above and beyond the painful dregs of fear we were born from.

 


VOCABULARY
We have a large and varied vocabulary of System-related terms that are often confusing or vague to those outside of headspace, or unaware of our structure. Following is an alphabetical list of those terms, with definitions.

active: A term meaning "actively accessible or functioning." Refers to both alters and locations.

alter: Interchangeable with "headvoice."

anchor: The "purpose" of a headvoice, and a requirement for manifestation. Anchors occur when sufficient mental energy is focused on a certain quality or concept that is detached from other System members. This collected energy then coalesces into a headvoice, who then acts as both a protector and manifestation of that concept or quality, which in turn becomes their "function." Anchors can be benevolent or malevolent, and they can change, although this is a difficult process. Anchors will bond to fitting Spectrum colors if and when they become strong or important enough within the System. Also see "function."
anchor, level: The level of headspace that a headvoice typically (or exclusively) lives and works within. This level is determined by function, but is unaffected by color. Level anchors can only change if an alter's function changes accordingly (a rare and difficult process), or if they are promoted to Central.
anchoring: The process of finding, solidifying, or gaining an anchor. Often interchangeable with "manifestation" when the individual anchoring has not had a solid form prior to doing so, and gains one afterward.

archivists: Alters whose function it is to manage and distribute stored memory information to other alters. Originally called "data voices."

atonement: The process of physically scarring the body in order to "bleed out" internal corruption, as is the mandatory post-hack procedure. Atonement began in 2010 when the true motive of hacks was discovered.

atoners: Old name for Retributors.

beetles: Insects first seen in the Chthonic levels, color unknown. They appear to be benevolent, and helped save Infinitii's life.

blackspace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Blackspace deals with organics and the subconscious. It is an unending realm of raw Black energy, effectively the "cosmic womb" that every alter manifests from in both body and mind. Blackspace is "below" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, liquid black ocean with no surface or walls. It is spherical in form. It cannot be consciously manipulated. Infinitii, and possibly all daemons, are intrinsically linked to this space.

body map: Also "bodymap." The visual correlation between Headspace's vertical level structure and the physical body. Roughly, Central corresponds to the brain while the Chthonic levels correspond to the lower abdomen/ base of spine.

Blood Lotus Cathedral: A massive, lotus-shaped cathedral, originally discovered and formed as the "soulspace" of the 2012 Core. Although originally located in floatspace, it has since become the "heart" of Central City. It is a highly enigmatic location in recent times. May also be used as a collective "story" term for our System's past experiences.

bubblespace: The specific floatspace pocket that Infinitii resides in.

cathartic block: The situation in which an individual is unable to express and fully comprehend emotions. This is common with Plague infestation, or when Fogbank is fronting.
Central: A specific area of upper headspace within Central City, the first area to manifest in our entire inner world. It resembles a penthouse suite, located at the top of a skyscraper, overlooking the City. It has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for the Spectrum Cores in our System, who typically reside and work there. "Central" may also be used as a collective term to refer to those alters.

Central City: The main area of headspace: a small NYC-like city bordering an ocean and two large forests. Its geography resembles Rio de Janeiro.

Centralite: Any single member of Central.

channel: An "open path" in the mind/body that a headvoice uses in order to front, speak, or write.

chthonics: Alters that natively reside in the Chthonic level.

co-fronting: When two or more alters are driving the body at the same time.

color core: See "Spectrum core."

color realms: See "Realms."

core color: See "Spectrum core."
core: See "System core."
connection: In the proper context, this is a term for an act of intimate spiritual "bonding" between two or more individuals in headspace. This is a term borrowed from the Dream World Leagueworld, as it is essentially the same process. Connections can also vary in "color."

daemon: A heartspace creature born from the hidden shadows/vices of an individual: essentially, a manifestation of "what you are afraid of within yourself." A daemon is meant to promote total self-love and acceptance, while not sugarcoating or ignoring those darker sides. The daemon phenomenon has currently only been observed in humans within the System.

daemon realms: Isolated floatspace pockets that daemons typically reside in for the sake of safety and secrecy.

data voices: Original term for the Archivist alters.
destabilization: Existential "decay" that occurs when a headvoice loses their anchor, due to function collapse or corruption. It is often lethal.

downstairs: A term used to refer to the physical world/life outside of headspace: essentially what our body must participate in to survive.
driving: a term for the process of a headvoice directly and consciously controlling the physical body. Adopted because this often feels like driving a car or similar machine, something separate from the actual self. Interchangeable with "fronting."

ego:

a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness
faceless: Literally, "without a manifested form." Most socials, splinters, and voices are faceless, and therefore very hard to identify.

faceless voices: Any headspace-originated "voice" that does not have a manifested form. Not interchangeable with 'floating voices.'

floating voices: A non-alter "voice" heard outside the head. These voices can be either helpful or actively harmful, usually the latter, yet it is often difficult to tell the difference. They may claim to be angels, demons, aliens, guides, etc. Floating voices predate the System's formation by several years. They also appear to be frightened or intimidated by System members, especially Laurie and Infinitii, and will "disappear" if such individuals make themselves known.

floatspace: Any visitable place in headspace/heartspace that has no fixed location, or which exists specifically in a non-physical place. These locations are frequently "self-contained" and very small.

fragment: …

See "splinter."

neutrality splinter. conscious in trauma or meltdowns. goal is to simply exist of the world
unhinged, emotionless, deep inspiration drive, possible alternate creation ability, silent, fragile, strange, detached, connected. despite unsettling demeanor, feels universally, completely open

fronter: A headspace individual who regularly fronts in the body, or if used in the active sense, the current individual doing so.
fronting: When a headvoice directly controls the body as its presenting consciousness. Interchangeable with "driving."

function: The role which a headvoice is sworn to fulfilling. Headvoices with unstable or unclear functions can die from the lack of stabilization, while those with "function overload" may corrupt to an equally lethal extreme. Also see "anchor."

function, inborn: A function that was inherent in an alter upon their manifestation.

function, inflicted: A function that was bestowed upon an alter after their manifestation. This is rare, and most frequently occurs when destabilization and/or anchor slippage occurs.

function overload: Occurs when an alter takes their function to a destructive and/or malevolent extreme, resulting in slippage and possibly destabilization.

Fusion:

ghosting: When an outspacer "half-appears" in the physical realm, as an intuitively perceptible being, in order to accompany the current fronter (typically a Core). Headvoices can also do this, but it must be learned, and it is difficult for them to remain ghosting for long.

graves: The series of 42 linear scars up and down the body's forearms. They were the first retributive actions taken, when it was discovered that hacks were destroying the creativity tied to the Leagueworlds, effectively "aborting" potential worlds and individuals before they had a chance to manifest. Laurie mandated that every hack from then on must be followed by a scar-- a "grave" for those lost as a result.
hack: A malevolent and typically traumatic attack from inside the System. Hacks can be either physical (forced fronting and abuse of the body) or non-physical (psychological warfare, induced nightmares). The term itself refers to both the brutal, sudden pain and terror of such incidents (i.e. "to deal cutting blows"), and the technological slang of "breaking into (a server) from a remote location to steal or damage data." Hacks are always perpetrated by corrupted individuals, most notably Julie (in the old timelines) and Sharona.

hack, dream: A hack that occurs while asleep, during a nightmare. Typically bleeds over into the body, but this can be prevented if a benevolent force intervenes in-dream.
headspace: The huge inner world we all reside in. It is a catchall term for all locations within, as long as they are related to the System. As of 2014 the term "heartspace" is now used to refer to Central's active living location, while "headspace" refers to the inner world at large, and Central prior to 2014.
headvoice: A non-corporeal individual born from headspace, within headspace. This term is interchangeable with the common DID term "alter."

heartspace: A replacement term for "headspace," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly indicate our function and purpose, as opposed to the hackers and floating voices.

heartvoice: A replacement term for "headvoice," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly distinguish between alters and the floating voices. It is usually used to refer to Centralites.
holder: Also "slot holder." Used to refer to any headvoice that is anchored to a color slot.

insects: Also "bugs." The myriad of insects that have been observed within our System, on multiple levels. Their purpose is unknown. They can be either benevolent or malevolent.
inspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world is a Leagueworld. See "outspacer."

invisible audience: A humorous term referring to the theoretical "readers" of our online posts.

Jewel: A prestigious title given to the Cores in our System that have connections to Dream World.
Jewel bloodline: A collective referral to the many artist fronters that have held the "Jewel" title in some way. This "bloodline" of function began in 2002, and has continued through at least four other individuals since then. The phenomenon itself is tied to the Leagueworlds and as such we know little about it.
johnny-nighter: A term referring to a night when we do not sleep, and instead stay awake typing nonstop until 5 or 6 AM. Sleep after that point is optional. Coined in 2009, a reference to the JTHM comic quote: "I don’t sleep; I have better things to do."

kything: A term reverently adopted from Madeleine L'Engle's books, this refers to a non-verbal, almost "spiritual" manner of communication between headspace individuals. It allows emotions, perceptions, and similar inner feelings to be shared instantly, on a level of intuitive understanding, and without the struggle of vocabulary translation. It is only possible if one is open to it.
Leagueworld: An inner world outside of headspace, which is intrinsically separate from it, and which the Jewel bloodline functions to learn and write about. There are approximately 15 of these Worlds to our current knowledge, including Dream World and Rosewindow. It is not impossible for individuals from Leagueworlds to interact with the System (e.g. Mister Sandman), but such individuals are usually reality-jumpers, and/or are similarly unhindered by their native universe limits.
Lightraye: The formal collective subtitle for both our System and the Leagueworlds (e.g. "Lightraye League," "Lightraye System"). It is also used as a surname for those in key positions there.

lilies: Flowers associated with Infinitii. Their current purpose is unknown.

limbo: "The grayish void between realms upstairs." Possibly actual Grayspace. Rarely used term, but refers to a legitimate location.

Links: Mental/spiritual connections formed between two or more individuals in two or more different worlds, "linking" them across space and time.
"When Jewel was younger, his consciousness would 'branch out' rather uncontrollably. Because of this he'd often 'catch' the vibrations of same-level individuals outside our system (i.e. media sources), effectively creating a sort of energetic bridge for them to enter headspace if they so wished. Few individuals were able to enter, though, and even fewer were able to stay. Those who did exhibited a peculiar sort of "resonance" with our inner energy field that effectively made them just as much a part of this system as we are, and may even be mandatory for such a scenario."

Lotus Cathedral: The "Leagueworld" title for our System; essentially, what we call the "story" of our lives. Originally synonymous with "Blood Lotus Cathedral."

Lower headspace: The level of headspace immediately below Midspace, but above the Underground. It holds "triggered" alters who are not destructive.
manics:

manifestation: The process of forming or solidifying a body within headspace.

massacre: A term referring to one specific reset event on December 28th 2013, in which Cannon and Jessica attempted to kill every existing headvoice and therefore destroy the System. It was nearly successful-- active headspace was nearly razed, and both active Cores were presumed dead. The System did survive but regeneration has been an arduous process, as we are effectively starting from base zero this time.

metainomen:

metainomenai: Plural form of “metainomen.”

Midspace: "Middle headspace." The level of headspace at 'street level.' It is effectively neutral, and holds alters who are passively benevolent. Social alters of such function may also appear here.
midspacer: An alter who natively resides in Middle Headspace, or "midspace." During the early days of the Spectrum this term instead referred to all outspacers/inspacers.

mindspill: A term for an archival entry written mostly via the A.P., enabling for rapid cycling of "authors" without the stress of having to front or enter the body to do so. Mindspill entries are rarely capitalized, may not contain grammar, and typically jump between several topics without necessarily concluding any.

Mirror Oasis (Room):

mistranslation: A term referring to circumstances upon which a certain experience and/or expression cannot find a fitting outlet and is forced into another, often harmful context. Typical in hacks.

old girls: Any of the destructive and/or malevolent alters that existed prior to Jewel becoming the core. Typically refers to Jessica or Jezebel, but also includes several faceless voices.

original child: The unidentified, possibly unsalvageable individual that assumedly lived in this body prior to headspace's inception. S/he may exist only in broken pieces of alters by this point.

overlay: Occurs whenever a headvoice fronts in the body. It is an intuitive "mask" of the headvoice's actual appearance, superimposed upon the physical form to decrease dysphoria and increase coherent functioning. Considered a sort of "personal identification" as fronters can often be retroactively identified by looking ath their overlay records. Only faceless voices do not emit overlays.
outspace: Physical, body-experienced reality, i.e. anything outside of headspace. Also called "the waking world."
outspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world exists outside of headspace, typically from a media source. Also called "walk-ins," along with inspacers. These individuals are similar to "soulbonds" in multiple systems, although we do not often use that term. They differ from headvoices in both role and behavior, and are not inherently tied to the System, although it imposes strict requirements on any eligible individuals. It is not uncommon for outspacers to be suddenly blocked from entering headspace in disaster situations.

Plague: A self-aware mass of corrupted White energy, that has taken up residence within headspace. Its true age is unknown, as it did not begin evidencing until after the Tar gained its own physical form. The Plague's main vices are pride and apathy, and it appears to seek only the passive annihilation of the System-- a reset which would be unrecoverable from.

plague rooms:

(attempted hack of whitespace)

programming: Internalized subconscious behavior and/or thought processes that are typically harmful and devoid of self-awareness and personal truth.

raw headspace: The ethereal material that our entire inner world is built from. See "whitespace" and "blackspace."

realms: Also "color realms." Refers to a specific area of heartspace that is dedicated to alters of a specific Spectrum color. This is a post-massacre phenomenon and as such, not much is yet known about it.
reset attempt: An attempt to annihilate the System, with or without hope of regeneration.

reset: A "successful" reset attempt. None have been permanently successful, but all have had serious and often traumatic lasting consequences.

resurrection: The phenomenon in which a 'dead' alter is suddenly brought back to life. This can only occur at the will of the System itself.

Retributor: An alter whose main role is to deliver atonement. Collectively "Retributors."

roses:
Scratch: A term which refers to one specific hard-reset event that occurred on February 24th 2013, in which our current fronter attempted to annihilate the entirety of headspace, and return to a pre-trauma mindset. Although ultimately unsuccessful, the Scratch attempt had such severe and permanent consequences that we now refer to our current time as "post-Scratch," and the time before the 24th as "pre-Scratch."

slippage: Also "slipping." Markedly out-of-character or corrupted behavior, which occurs when an alter begins to lose their anchor or corrupt their function. This is a "warning" phenomenon and it is not lethal unless allowed to continue unchecked.
slots: Also "color slots." A term for any color in the Spectrum held by a headvoice. For example, Laurie Uberich holds the VIOLET slot. This means that her energy resonance is VIOLET, and no other headvoice can hold that exact color while she does.
socials: A casual term for a group of mostly-unidentified voices who front the most frequently, due to not having body anchors. Also called "social fronters."

soulbond: An adopted term, referring to Outspacers.
Spectrum, The: A collective term for either 1. the sixteen energetic "color slots" that define the function of our System, or 2. the headvoices in our System that are anchored to these color slots (as such it does NOT include faceless voices).

Spectrum core: The main hue of each Spectrum color slot. There are sixteen: Red, Brown, Orange, Yellow, Lime, Green, Aqua, Sky, Blue, Indigo, Violet, Pink, Cerise, Gray, White, and Black. Each color has approximately six main subslots. Also "color core" or "core color."

spiders: Insects of the Yellow realms. They are typically malevolent.
splinter: A zombie-like alter that has "broken off" of another, typically a Core. They are not truly conscious, having no true anchor or sense of self, and may instead become puppets for the Tar/Plague. This phenomenon was recognized in 2011, although it existed for some time prior. See "fragment."

splintering: The negative process in which a core "breaks" into two or more separate individuals, due to trauma or forced compartmentalization.
"We thought she was born from my 'lost' energy, optimism, childhood innocence, and kindness, but that had never really been lost. I had splintered. The real me HAS all of that, the me talking right now IS all of that! I never lost it. Thanatos and Fragment are a median system. It scares me, I won't deny that, but now I understand why I splintered like that. Laurie's motivation is to keep me safe and bright, above all else. And in my past, I didn't know what that entailed. So I broke myself into pieces without realizing it, because I didn't think those pieces could safely be part of me."

stabilization: The adjustment period immediately following an alter's manifestation, during which they become less "impulse" and more of an individual.

sub-hue: See subslot.

subslot: A Spectrum hue of a certain color that is not the Core color. For example, Gold is a subslot of Yellow. Also "sub-hue."

System Core: An alter who acts as the "main consciousness" for the System, ideally fronting whenever possible and acting as a focal point for the System's well-being. Central is dedicated to the aid and assistance of the current Core. Cores tend to change every 2-3 years, or after a sufficiently traumatic event.

System, The:

It may also be used as a general collective term for all the alters in headspace/heartspace.
Tar: a self-aware mass of corrupted Black energy, that has taken up residence below active headspace. It is assumed to be the second true member of our System, having been created simultaneously with Julie, and eventually overtaking her, due to the highly negative circumstances of their joint manifestation. The Tar ceaselessly perpetuates pain and trauma within headspace, as it needs these things in order to survive. Although it rarely acts directly, it frequently uses others for its own ends, either through forced control or psychological warfare. Even so, it has created a splinter named Jezebel for the sake of direct interaction. The Tar almost exclusively targets Jay and Infinitii, our Cores, since they directly threaten its existence, and any damage to them harms the entire System.

tar rooms:

(originally hacked into blackspace!)

thanatos drive: The "death drive" experienced by damaged Cores. (Cannon era only??)

exists solely to destroy the self. highly abusive. unable to interact. goal is to end personal existence

death drive. conscious in high stress. almost always conscious after hacks
entirely destructive, disconnected, purposeless, positive incomprehension, violent, driven, retributive, hopeless, angry

 

timeline: …

timeline, dead: …

trigger: …

Underground:

A specific level of lower headspace that contains very dangerous individuals, and so is not easily/ typically accessible.
upstairs: A casual term for "everything non-physical/ inside (our head)," for when more specific jargon would be baffling.
voices: A term for the faceless "voices" heard by fronters in the body, which may or may not ever anchor into actual headvoices. Voices are frequently manipulative and/or malevolent. Interchangeable with "floating voices."

walk-in: The original term for "outspacer." Taken from the fact that they all "walked in" to headspace from the physical world.

whitespace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Whitespace deals with inorganics and the conscious mind. It is an unending realm of raw White energy, effectively the "blueprint" that all of headspace manifested from. Whitespace is "above" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, luminous white space with a floor but no walls or ceiling. It is cubic in form. It can be limitlessly manipulated, but will only take on fixed shapes or forms, otherwise it will appear inert. In the early days of headspace, this is all that existed of our inner world, until Central manifested around 2009.

Xanga session: Slang for a stream-of-consciousness conversation held by two or more alters within headspace and written to a computer in realtime. Named after the website on which we originally hosted these conversations. These sessions typically last several hours.
: …

: …

: …

 



LEVELS OF HEADSPACE
We have identified several distinct "levels" of headspace.
It's easiest to think of the first five in a vertical fashion, but space doesn't quite work that way up here.

CENTRAL (UPSTAIRS)
This level refers almost entirely to Central City, the "hub" of our inner world. The landmark of this city is a skyscraper-like building referred to simply as "Central." This building is where the core-anchored headvoices reside, as it has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for them.
The inhabitants of Central are all tied to proper System function, especially the maintenance of the System itself and the care of its myriad inhabitants. Their anchors reflect the core energy colors. Laurie is the protector of the Upstairs, and by her own extension, the entire System as well.
MIDDLE HEADSPACE
Often "Midspace."
We referred to this level as "downstairs" for a while, but that became confusing as "downstairs" actually refers to physical reality for us, so we dropped this double usage.

LOWER HEADSPACE

Lower headspace is more strongly connected to raw consciousness than Central or Midspace; as a result it is typically fluid and highly mutable, with few 'fixed' areas. Lowers frequently work with the Undergrounders.
UNDERGROUND
Refers to a level of headspace below Central City, thought to be virtually inaccessible prior to 2012. The main habitable areas of it resemble basilica cisterns, and/or cathedral cloisters. Deeper, less hospitable areas resemble caves or catacombs, and often have an eerie red glow. At least one such area appears infested with massive insects. Exploring the Underground is highly dangerous and not recommended, as the Tar also resides there, albeit in a currently-unknown location. The exact size and extent of the Underground is unknown. This level also does not seem to follow the same rules of space that upper levels of headspace do.
The inhabitants of the Underground are all tied to trauma on some level. Their anchors may be coping methods, preventative actions, or the trauma itself. Knife is the protector of the Underground.

THE CHTHONIC LEVELS
Refers to a level of headspace below the Underground, which we were not aware of until 2014.

We know very little about it, at it is highly inhospitable, and those residing there are not welcoming of intruders or visitors.

This level is very organic in structure, resembling a massive cave formation. Its main area consists of a large underground body of water.

FLOATSPACE
Small "pocket locations" of headspace that are self-contained in raw headspace. Leon's cathedrals were the first example of such places we became aware of.

RAW HEADSPACE
Technically not a "level" at all, raw headspace does not even hold a mappable location. Rather, it is a term to refer to the "unformed" areas of headspace, blank white expanses of infinite potential. It is not impossible to enter them, just very difficult. Raw headspace can also be seen whenever a location begins to deteriorate, or when a location is not fully formed. This is what the entirety of headspace was until approximately 2002, when it began to solidify into the beginnings of the Downstairs.
Jay is commonly seen as the "protector" of raw headspace, as he is the White slot holder, and therefore has the most influence over it.

DAEMON REALMS

INFINITII'S BUBBLE
An entire level unto itself, the Bubble is literally a small, tangible sphere of encapsulated headspace. It was created by Infinitii in February 2013, and it is where he resides. Jay wears it as a necklace, attached to a silver chain, at Infinitii's behest. He has also procured a similar physical necklace in the waking world, for the sake of fronter interaction with Infinitii.
The Bubble is highly unique, as it is a floating level, and therefore exists within whatever other level it is brought into. It is bigger on the inside than on the outside, although upon entering it one will appear to "shrink." The inside is shaped like a large dome, and from within it one can still perceive the outside world as through translucent glass above. This fact can be used to produce a bizarre "recursive reality effect" if Jay enters the Bubble, as the view from "outside" will therefore reflect the interior. Lastly, the Bubble can only be entered or exited at Infinitii's command, as it exists for the sole purpose of keeping him safe from danger as long as the Tar still exists.

 

 


ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this is not often the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.
As of 2015, sixteen different color slots have been identified. Each of these has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.


THE SPECTRUM
Due to the very substance of headspace being organized into colors, it is only fitting that those who were born from it exhibit connections to those same hues.
This phenomenon of color functions is the most pervasive aspect of our inner world, and as such it is difficult for us to fully grasp. Furthermore, since headspace itself exhibits its own strange sort of consciousness, the Spectrum itself is no exception. It shifts and evolves of its own volition, sometimes dramatically, according to what is needed for headspace to function properly. No one has been able to manipulate or otherwise influence the behavior of the Spectrum, not even the cores. Perhaps this is for the best, as it exhibits a wisdom in its silent management that we could only guess at ourselves.

The Spectrum itself is the groundwork of our entire System. It serves to organize and maintain proper order in headspace, making sure every headvoice has a proper role.
Each Spectrum color has one "core slot," which reflects that basic hue (the core slot of Red is Red). It also has several "sub-slots," which include shades and tints of that same color, and whose functions reflect variations on that color's basic energy (sub-slots of Green include Sage and Jade).
Ideally, all headvoices hold a color slot. Most headvoices manifest already anchored to a fitting color, thanks to energy resonance: if their function or origin is clear, they will naturally reflect whatever color matches it most closely. This is seen most often with Core slot holders.
However, not all individuals in headspace are part of the Spectrum. Faceless voices and outspacers must find solid anchors/functions before they can become part of the Spectrum. Nevertheless, all non-Spectrum individuals still display a sort of "resonance" with one or more colors; it is simply clarity that they lack. Once clarity of function is found, individuals naturally gravitate to a fitting color slot.
Black & White energies are unique as they inherently hold all other colors within them, and they are also the only colors capable of existing in a solidly corrupted state (the Tar & Plague). Negative B/W qualities CAN bleed over into any other slot, or infect more directly through temporary "possession" (e.g. Julie and Laurie both having some Black abilities), but this poses a high risk of often-fatal destabilization to those affected. Positive B/W bleedover is more subtle, usually only manifesting in powerfully specific but heartfelt situations (Soul Forms, the Angel Helmet).

A headvoice in a core slot will not only reflect the basic attributes of that energy color, but they will also act as a guardian of that energy within headspace, and all those who use it. All core slot holders typically reside in Central headspace due to their important roles. Sub-slot holders will still reflect attributes related to that core energy color, but not as strongly.

When a headvoice anchors fully into a color, their eyes and hair will match it. Any discrepancy in an anchored headvoice's eye/hair color, as opposed to their actual slot, is a telltale sign of their anchor splitting, migrating, or failing. The only exception to this rule are those in the Monochrome slots (Black/White), as they can naturally mirror any slot in the Spectrum if they so wish, and this inevitably changes their eye color.

(disclaimer for the following list: many of us went missing after the august reset. nevertheless this list includes the most recent holders.)
(C) = Central ... (D) = Downstairs ... (U) = Underground ... (M) = Midspacer... (L) = Lower... (O) = Outspacer ... (H) = Core ... (X) = ???

BROWN
CORE: Spine Hypomone (C).
BEIGE: held by Aimee (D).
TAN: possibly held by the "siren" (D)
RUSSET: held by Jayce (D).
SPICE: held by Spice (D).
CHOCOLATE: held by Overload (D).
BISTRE: held by "The Bear" (U).

RED
CORE: Javier Anastasi (C). Previously Jewel Lightraye (all). Accessible by the Monochrome holders.
BLOOD: held by Razor (U).
CRIMSON: held by Eros (X).
CHERRY: held by Zwei (D).
RUBY: held by Jewel (D,H).
MAROON: held by the "dead red" voice (D).
CADMIUM: held by Cannon (X).

ORANGE
CORE: held by Lynne Stabelle (C).
VERMILION: held by Algorith (U).
TANGERINE: held by Hyakin (M).
CORAL: held by Amara (M).
PEACH: held by Kalisha (M).
GAMBOGE: none.

YELLOW
CORE: held by Josephina Bellameire (C).
AMBER: held by Genesis Apolymis (I).
VANILLA: held by Sylvain (U?).
GOLDENROD: held by Marigold (L).
GOLD: none.

GREEN
CORE: held by Nathaniel Victoire (C).
SAGE: held by Sergei (M).
JADE: none.
OLIVE: none, previously held by Bridget (X).
LIME: held by Cel (D, H).
CHARTREUSE: possibly held by "the oni girl" (D?).

AQUA
(the lineup of this slot is still unsteady)
TEAL: held by Emmett (D).
MINT: held by Minty (U).
AZURE: held by Einsatz (D).
AQUA: held by Chaos 0 (O).
OCEAN: held by Garrison (M).

BLUE
CORE: Waldorf Kalliope (C).
SAPPHIRE: held by the "navy singer" (D).
SKY: held by Kyanos (M).
SLATE: possibly held by the Gent (D).
CRYSTAL: none, previously Nathaniel Victoire (C).
POWDER: none, previously held by Missy (X).
NAVY: none.

INDIGO
CORE: held by Leon Kiasi (C).
ICE: held by David (U).
DUSK: held by Ryman Saikaras (O).
SMOKE: possibly held by the "airport voice" (D).
MIDNIGHT: none.

VIOLET
CORE: held by Laurie Uberich (C).
PURPLE: held by Markus Barashir (O).
LAVENDER: held by Xenophon Lephise (I).
LILAC: held by Christina Marie (U).
MAUVE: held by Isadora (M).
PLUM: none.

PINK
CORE: held by Julie Enantios (C).
CLARET: held by Knife (U).
CERISE: held by Mulberry Delta (U).
SUGAR: held by Sugar (U).
ROSE: held by Jeremiah (U).
VICTORIAN: held by an unknown female alter (U?).

MONOCHROME (BLACK/WHITE)
BLACK: held by both the Tar (X) and Infinitii Eternos (H).
WHITE: held by Jay Iridos (H).
SILVER: held by Mister Sandman (I).
GRAY: held by Sherlock (M).
STORM: none.


Chaos 0's current slot (originally Cyan, then Aqua) is currently unknown, as his manifestation changed dramatically post-reset. Assumedly it is of the Teal lineup.

Julie, Bridget, and Missy technically do not have solid anchors, as the latter two are splinters and Julie is infected by the Tar. However, they CAN hijack actual color cores, and have done so in the past in order to "lock out" people trying to anchor into them: Julie as Pink, Bridget as Green, and Missy as Blue. This hijacking has had negative long-term effects on all three of those slots, and those who hold connected sub-slots.

Jezebel and Sharona, two malevolent voices, seem to hold Black slots by virtue of their strong connection to the Tar. It is unknown whether or not they are capable of existing apart from it, especially since Jezebel is a splinter as well.

It is unknown whether or not the Spectrum has any opinion on the massive number of faceless/ nameless voices currently making themselves known thanks to therapy. We suppose time will tell.

 

 

 

SPECTRUM ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this was not always the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.


As of
08-23-2017, twenty-six TENTATIVE different color slots have been identified:

 

BROWN, INFRA?, RED, BLOOD, VERMILION, SUNSET, ORANGE, AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, EVERGREEN, AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE, NAVY, INDIGO, PURPLE, ULTRAVIOLET?, VIOLET, PINK, MAGENTA, CERISE, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK, CHAMPAGNE?, GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE? GLASS? MULTICOLOR????

---------------------------------------

OLDER NOTES:

 

The four "monochrome" colors can be grouped into one, leaving a total of sixteen. (two 8 point stars)

There are also SEVEN distinct color trios:

 

RED, VERMILION, ORANGE, AMBER,

YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, AQUA,

CYAN, SKY, BLUE, INDIGO,

PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

--OR??--

 

CERISE, RED, VERMILION, ORANGE,

AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN,

AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE,

INDIGO, PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

And there are EIGHT distinct color pairs:

 

RED, CYAN,

VERMILION, SKY,

ORANGE, BLUE,

AMBER, INDIGO,

YELLOW, PURPLE,

LIME, VIOLET,

GREEN, PINK,

AQUA, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY,

WHITE, BLACK.

 

 

BROWN is placed at the beginning with the REDS as it is the "BASE" hue and effectively acts as the "door" between Headspace and Bodyspace.

The MONOCHROMES are a door between Headspace and Heartspace.

 

 

Each of these hues has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.


BROWN
Attributes:

ELEMENTS: bone, earth, stone
It is connected to bone and earth and stone, to the physical anchors of life itself.
Headvoices who hold this color seem to hold a strong connection to the physical body, and/or what it experiences.
Instability in Brown manifests as
...


RED
Attributes:
purpose, creativity, drive, audacity,
- It is strongly connected to creativity, blood and the life force.
- Headvoices who hold this color seem to invariably be "artists" in some way. They have a drive to creatively express themselves, through any outlet they deem proper.
- Instability in Red manifests as rage, hedonism,
- The Red color is arguably the most mysterious in the System, as it was originally tied ONLY to the Jewel bloodline. When Jay, the most recent host-piece, permanently moved out of it in mid-2013, the slot was emptied for the first time since the System's inception.

 

VERMILLION
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Vermilion manifests as
...


ORANGE
Attributes:
composure, kindness, hospitality, amity,
Headvoices who hold this color seem to work as "balancers," keeping emotions stable and healthy but not suppressed.
Instability in Orange manifests as
...

 

AMBER
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Amber manifests as
...


YELLOW
Attributes:
vitality, power, confidence, 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Yellow manifests as
...

 

LIME
Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Lime manifests as
...


GREEN
Attributes:
balance, healing, peace, compassion
It appears to be strongly connected to the natural world, notably vegetation and insect life.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Green manifests as
*Due to Bridget's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Green seem to have a high risk of traumatic resets. Nathaniel has infamously died four times (due to either murder or stabilization failure; he was Blue AND Green though), the Sage voice was brutally killed shortly after manifesting, and Cel's identity was in shreds for years.

 

JADE/ EVERGREEN
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as
...


AQUA
Attributes:
Oddly, it appears to be connected to simple self-care, and a more childlike mindset.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Aqua manifests as
...

 

CYAN

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Cyan manifests as

 

SKY

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Sky manifests as
...


BLUE
Attributes:
communication, joy, innocence, hope
- It appears to be connected to the sky, and to reflections (not water, just reflections).
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Blue manifests as the inability to speak, depression,
*Due to Missy's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Blue have a high risk of dying. Nathaniel, Waldorf, and Kyanos have all experienced death at least once after anchoring here in the past-- Nat at Julie's hands (initially), Wally from a forced anchor freeze, and Kyanos from major stabilization failure.


INDIGO
Attributes:
truth, insight, awareness, gentleness, self-sacrifice
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Indigo manifests as panic, fear, paranoia, and confusion. This was notably visible in Leon when he first tentatively anchored into this slot.
...

 

PURPLE
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as


VIOLET
Attributes:
protection, truth, spirituality, honor, benevolence, devotion, wisdom, integrity
- Headvoices who hold this color typically dedicate or devote themselves to the protection of something, either a person or an idea. They are highly insightful and are masters of diplomacy. They also seem to have an inherent and powerful spiritual side, and greatly value integrity in this sense in both themselves and in others.
- Instability in Violet manifests as purposelessness, the need to control, doubt,
...


PINK
Attributes:
closeness, compassion, softness, elegance, union of opposites
- Headvoices who hold this color have shockingly dichotomous but non-split personalities, often displaying two opposite qualities or aspects without self-conflict (e.g. rage and gentleness).
- Instability in Pink manifests as hatred, spite, manipulation, and violence. All Pink voices have the potential to quickly become unstable so they are treated with caution.
*Due to Julie's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Pink seem invariably tied to the trauma of sexual abuse, either as sufferers or preventors.

 

CERISE
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

 

GRAY
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as


WHITE
Attributes:
conscious, structure, order, stability, individuality, innocence, knowledge, creation through objects 
- It shows a connection to rainbows, and it displays a similar iridescence.
- Headvoices who hold this color can freely shape ANY energy, but can only work with what is given. They can change their form if they desire, but this must be deliberate and stable. They can freely edit headspace energy, but must stay within creation limits. They also can control what memories are put into the archives, although their access to the entirety of data is limited. White voices also seem to have difficulty moving through time.
- Instability in White manifests as disconnection, the inability to feel emotion, suicide
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a White core can damage the structure of headspace just as severely.


BLACK
Attributes:
unconscious, community, mutability, mystery, potential, understanding, creation through people
- It shows a connection to the night sky, and it displays an oilslick-like iridescence. Black energy is also said to taste like sugar.
- Headvoices who hold this color have highly mutable bodies, but cannot control this well; it tends to move constantly. They can "bring out the potential" of ANY headspace energy, even beyond limits, but cannot force changes. They also have full access to memory archives, but unless something is put in there, it cannot be accessed. Black voices also seem to have difficulty moving through space.
- Instability in Black manifests as loss of impulse control, loss of self, addiction
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a Black core can damage the substance of headspace just as severely.




SYSTEM MECHANICS
(aka how stuff works? its really bizarre sometimes)
...
...
It is possible for an anchored headvoice to die, and later "resurrect" without warning. This is because, if headspace has decided that individual "is supposed to live," it will actively prevent them from staying dead, or even dying in the first place, regardless of headvoice interference. The most notable examples of resurrection are Nathaniel and Infinitii, while the most notable example of nigh-immortality is Laurie.







prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 

 

I’m working to teach myself sign language and I’m so excited.
I struggle with verbal communication-- seemingly ironically, as everyone I speak to says I am very clear and ‘intelligent’ when speaking. But forming words, and translating thoughts/ colors/ sounds/ etc. into spoken vocabulary is exhausting for me. It’s even tougher for me to understand what other people are saying verbally, as the sound+visuals+meaning is often utterly overwhelming all at once.
Upstairs it’s a bit easier-- a lot of us are nonverbal, either often or always, including me. Notably, Chaos and Infi both prefer to talk more in feelings than in words. So that tendency of ours, too, bleeds out onto the outside, and I can get a little distraught when other people can’t “hear” what I’m “saying” if my mouth is physically closed.
Anyway, here typically I watch people’s hands when then talk, as I find they “make more sense” than faces. So being able to talk with my hands, literally, is an ecstatic feeling.
I’m going to do a bit of this every day, that’s my goal.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


@ 11:16 pm


(leaving this completely uncensored for now. the pain and anger only translates correctly as such.)




today april 22

shopping, at one point I mentally hear someone talking to me with a really heavy accent, wonder who in the world that is. check and it's DAVY WTF

part of me is furiously embarrassed and full of rage/frustration/depression over this

he's an outspacer his color is a solid bright aqua


but I am TICKED OFF about this, this is all only because you started reading the OLD ARCHIVES to get a grip on "what happened" during those years also for this FCKING JOB and so you are tuning into that same soulless robot mindset of hyperactivity and mania and programming and shit and I WILL NOT HAVE THIS.

YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU WERE DURING THAT TIME PERIOD OKAY

2006 WAS A FCKING DEAD YEAR
2006 AND 2007 YOU DIDN’T EVEN EXIST EVERYTHING WAS HEADACHES AND TIME LOSS IT WAS BULLSHIT

"YOU" NEVER LOVED REAL PEOPLE YOU "LOVED" THE IDEA OF THEM AND THAT IS WHY I AM SO FREAKING TICKED OFF
NOW YOU HAVE THESE INTROJECTS WHO DON'T EVEN BELONG HERE BECAUSE THEY ARE FCKING BASELESS
THEY ARE IDEALIZED PHANTOMS THAT ONLY EXIST BECAUSE ONE OF US, AS A TEENAGER, THOUGHT "OH WHAT A NEAT LOOKING CHARACTER"
THERE IS NO FCKING PERSONALITY TO THESE PEOPLE

PUT THEM IN THE LEAGUEWORLDS BUT DO NOT LET THEM UP HERE
DAMN IT I AM SO FCKING TIRED OF YOU MAKING EVERYTHING SO UNNECCESSARILY FCKING COMPLICATED
STOP THIS SHIT. STOP IT

STOP TRYING TO BE WHO WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, WE WEREN'T DURING THAT TIME.
WHY THE FCK ARE YOU DOING THIS
IS IT BECAUSE BACK THEN EVERYTHING WAS A VOID
EVERYTHING WAS A BLUR OF FOLLOWING ORDERS AND MIMICKING WHAT YOU SAW AND READ AND HEARD
YOU DIDN'T FCKING EXIST AS A PERSON THEN AND YOU KNOW IT

YOU ARE FCKING KILLING HEADSPACE BECAUSE OF THIS IMMATURE, ASININE HABIT OF YOURS

I HAVE THE TRUTH, I HAVE REALITY LINKS HERE, I CAN WORK ON WHAT MATTERS, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ADDICTIONS AND YOUR FCKING OBLIGATIONS
I'm
I'm not trying to be proud okay? I'm not. I'm not. I'm scared and sad but I am so fcking DETERMINED.
I AM NOT YOU, I AM NOT ONE OF YOU, I DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT, FCK OFF
I AM NOT ONE OF YOU FCKING BROWN-HAIRED GIRLS WITH THE FIRE EYES
FCK OFF YOU ARE ALL KILLERS AND YOU KNOW IT

I am not you. I am not you. I am not you.
I have red hair and I burn and I work at what is REAL. I'm going to do this work. I have to.


You people tick me off so much.
Even in the League files. There's so much fcking pandering going on. You were always trying to impress or appease someone else. You and your fcking audience. FCK OFF.
THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT AN AUDIENCE.
Except one day it's going to have one, isn't that the "goal" here? And maybe THAT'S why I'm fcking procrastinating and shaking here and staring through my screen like the world is on pause and I lost the remote.
I'm scared.
I'm so damn scared of the sort of people that are in the audience, out there.
I don't want to hand over these beautiful worlds to them, to let them be ravaged.

God it makes me sick.
Every damn time you people go on Tumblr. I swear I am going to delete that fcking website. I don't give a shit what you have on there. The last one was deleted, it's very easy for me to delete this one. I will do it if you keep this shit up.
You keep looking at the fandom, don't you? You're obsessed with that show, and it's great, BUT THEN GUESS WHAT???
YOU TAINT IT. YOU FCKING TAINT IT LIKE YOU FCKING TAINTED EVERY OTHER BEAUTIFUL THING IN HERE BECAUSE YOU KEEP LOOKING TO THE FCKING WORLD OUTSIDE AND THAT WORLD IS MADE OF FCKING TERRIBLE THINGS.

I swear to God. I do, I dedicate myself. I am so fcking sad. I swear I will rip those things to the ground. I will devastate them and reduce them to ashes. I will crumble them into dust in my fists. I will fcking destroy EVERYTHING that tries to get in here, ever again.
That show was fine, it was a blessing, it was inspiring and bright and cute UNTIL YOU STARTED TO FCKING READ UP ON WHAT ”OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT IT."
And I will fcking TELL YOU what they thought about it, without even looking: sex, memes, immature hyper jokes, shipping, arguments, theories that are 20 pages long and unnecessarily impatient and analytical, etc.
But those two things, the sex and the jokes, those tick me RIGHT THE HELL OFF.
Those are the most fcking TOXIC THINGS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Don't you fcking DARE expose yourself, OURSELF, to that shit EVER AGAIN. You stay the HELL off that cursed website before I burn it to the ground. Mark my fcking words, I am tempted to do that RIGHT NOW and really I think I will. I think I fcking will. Give me a second.

Don't tell me no. Don't you DARE. I don't give a shit if you're "stockpiling good art" or whatever the hell. It's unnecessary and it is wasting your time. Give it up. It's not needed. It's not doing ANYBODY ANY GOOD.
It's going. Right now, it's going. I will be brutal with this.


Where is everyone else. God, dear God, where is everyone else. Where are all the other brutal ones.

Hackers were all about this evening. But I'm around now. I don't let them do shit.
I realized something too.
It's our biggest problem, I think. Someone took note of it a long time ago but never properly pursued it.
With those hackers, the reason why so few of us fight back is because the hackers target the ones with this old mindset: "you are not allowed to refuse. You are not allowed to say no."
So when some fcking idiot outside tells you something, directly or indirectly or whatever, it doesn't matter-- these young people, these confused, lost, blind damaged people think that they HAVE to mimic anything that doesn't match their current behavior, because they've been told that their "individuality" is wrong. They're different, don't you know, that's "wrong"!!! BULL SHIT!!!
But they mimic. They get scared and they mimic because in their heads that's an ORDER and they are NOT ALLOWED TO DISOBEY.
So you get this fcking fandom plague. This lethal social disease. They see something on the outside that scares them, that they don't understand or like or want, something that doesn’t match them at all, something POISON, and then they think… "there must be something wrong with me." "There must be something broken in me if I'm not acting like them." "I'm supposed to do what the other people are doing, right??"
DAMN IT THIS IS SO FCKING SAD JUST STOP DOING THAT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYONE OUTSIDE AND YOU HAVE MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES, OKAY???
You are allowed to be different and soft and nice and kind and quiet and DIFFERENT.
If the rest of the world is loud and brash and jeering and hyper and flirty and just feels wrong, STAY AWAY FROM THEM. YOU CAN DO THAT. YOU'RE ALLOWED.

God this is so sad.
You poor kids. You poor kids are stuck in the same time period as the worst ones.
Don't let them touch you. Don't let them touch you anymore, please. And if anyone outside looks or sounds or feels like them, run. Run away, fast, and don't look back, and don't feel "obligated" to stay, for God's sake don’t be ashamed of running. That guilt will eat your heart for dinner and you know it. You are NOT obligated to corrupt yourself just because other people have.
For God's sake, run to US. Please. Let us live for you. Let us have our reason for existing. Let us protect you, let us show you real chaste powerful love, let us stand up for you, let us strengthen you and comfort you.
Stay away. Stay far away from the outside. Please. Stay away. Drain it out of your head, our head. our heart.
There's too much of this gunk on the inside and it scares me. For God's sake, we're allowed to drain it out.

The problem is the Outspacers carry it. It's their curse. They come from that dangerous world.
I think it's why they NEED to abandon their "origins" in order to survive here. Even then they're dangerous. I'm starting to think Outspacers can't really stay in headspace, they have to go to the Leagueworlds; up here they carry poison and plague and it's too damn threatening to risk anymore… why, why, why, what do we do?



ALSO BY THE WAY
YOU DO REALIZE THIS OUTSPACER-IDEAL BULLSHIT IS CORRUPTING LAURIE???
BECAUSE YEAH, IT REALLY FCKING IS, AND HERE'S ONE HELL OF A HEADLINE FOR YOU
IT ALWAYS FCKING HAS BEEN.

Look back to before she fully manifested, back in autumn 2006, before you even dreamed of her for the first time. Look back. You KNEW there were more people in your head besides Julie.
Whoever you were "talking to" back then WAS LAURIE, BEFORE SHE BECAME A PERSON.
But that was such a bad time. That was SUCH A BAD TIME and the problem is that LAURIE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VIOLET. She has ALWAYS been the one to push buttons, and demand sincerity, and uncover the truth. She has ALWAYS been a "troublemaker" for benevolent purposes, and she has ALWAYS been sharp at the edges.
The problem? The PROBLEM? Back in that time period YOU DIDN'T FCKING CARE ABOUT MUCH THAT MEANT ANYTHING. You were a fcking cesspool of programming and even in-- ESPECIALLY in-- the beginnings of headspace, in the relationships you had with the people you loved, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE WAS, DAMN IT. ALL YOU KNEW WAS HOW TO FCKING COPY PEOPLE.
God this hurts, this hurts, this hurts so much.
She… back then, that's where she still has this awful tendency now, that she is distraught about. Back then, you hid things. You lied about your inner truth when it "didn't match the outside," when it didn't conform to what fcking SCRIPTS you were running by. FCK THAT.
Damn you. You were so fcking obsessed with "being normal" and "being good" back then and you were SO fcking TERRIFIED of Julie that you became obsessed with "having good, normal relationships."
Fuck this. I want to sob.
Back then you were… you loved people. Deep down I'm sure you did. But you didn't reach it. You buried it, you painted it over with your fcking garish obligations, with how you were told to act, with how you saw the world acting.
You had no mirrors then. Damn it, you had no fcking mirrors, you didn't even know that you existed.
You followed the script they gave you. No wonder you were always so distraught and confused. No wonder you always drowned it in fake loud laugher and regurgitated vocabulary. You didn't exist. And when you felt the edges of real truth, of the true existence deep within you/us, you were scared. That didn't match the fcking script, after all.
And that's where the corruption came in.
Yeah, you loved the Outspacers, in a chaste childlike way. You loved the crueler ones in the way that our Cores STILL love lost people-- in a way that is compassionate, and wants to relieve pain, and see light blossom where there was only shadow before. THAT kind of love. NOT ROMANCE.
But no one told you could have that, back then.
And Julie was constantly screaming in your ear, a mouthpiece for the Tar inside and out, that there were other things you SHOULD want.
And you were so lost.
Yes, you loved them. But you tried so damn hard to convince yourself that your love was something different. You tried so hard to sound romantic, like you were in the movies or in a book-- the only context you had to mimic, after all, outside of your mother's awfully sugar-poisoned speech patterns.
You lied. You lied about the most important things.
You were in denial of the REAL truth and you fcking pasted it over with magazine clippings because you didn't feel you had the right to write your own notes.
You get the picture.
All that hurt Laurie.

All that fcking Outspacer shit has been killing her for almost 10 years now.
And until you stop looking at the world through those old blind eyes, it is going to continue to kill her.
STOP.


LOOK BACK TO THE FCKING PHOTOS WE HAVE FROM 2007.
THAT PERSON WAS TOXIC. THEY WERE NOTHING BUT A DEAD-EYED AUTOMATON AND THEIR SMILES ARE STRETCHED AND EMPTY AND MANIC.
IF THAT WAS YOU THEN FCK YOU TO HELL AND BACK, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR HEAD!!!

That person. That exact person, whoever the fck was in those 2007 photographs, is our most dangerous "alter" in the System that we know of right now.
Things have gotten so weird lately. But we can pinpoint the vibes of people still. And the vibe of the manic, "to hell with the consequences because I'm not the one paying them," destructive, hateful one… it matches her. It matches those photos.
It also matches the vibe of the ones that would sell their bodies and souls for a dollar.
It's terrifying. They all look the fcking same.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AT THAT TIME TO DO THIS TO US???

I can't look at them. There's an awful shaking fear that bubbles up in our chest when I do, something scary…
That person feels like they will strangle us alive with that same damn plastic smile and hair and OH MY GOD. OH GOD THEY HAVE THE MOTHER'S VIBE. I DIDN'T EVEN CATCH THAT UNTIL JUST NOW.
Someone take that down. Archivists, Garrison, please, WRITE THAT DOWN. Our theory was right. Whoever "we" were back in 2006-2008 or so, whoever was on deviantART, really WAS a carbon copy mimic of the mother. They were an amalgam of the only "social actions" we ever knew, of the only way we had ever seen someone behave in interpersonal contexts.

That brings me right back to the fcking "can't say no or else" point. God damn it. God damn it.
Laurie that is catching your vibe. I'm not a solid person I'm a bubble of glass, I'm a transparent shell of a person, but I'm data. I run. Your vibe is catching here.
What's the problem? The problem is your roots. The problem is your roots, love. They're rotten.

This is why your color keeps fading. This is why you keep slipping. Your roots are rotten. Your anchor is rusted.
You're like Amethyst. You're the only good thing that came from that horrible place.
You can be reborn, you can redefine yourself. Be violet. Be who you ARE, now. Be YOU.
Stop letting people drag you back to that dead time. You are not a fading dream or an alter ego or an internalized voice or a tape player. You are not a collection of influences. You are a PERSON. You are you, and you exist, so LET GO OF THE DAMN CHAINS AND BE YOU, LAURIE, PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM AND JUST… let go. Let go of all you were. I think we ALL need to do that.
I think we all need to burn the photographs. I think we need to set the old house on fire for good.
I think that's what the bad feeling is about that we need to listen to. No wonder we couldn't go back.




…Can I just say that is really fcking disturbing.
I've noticed this trend. We all have. Especially the Undergrounders, they brought it to clarity.
There's too much "talking to" who we assume to be "Jay." It's not. They TAKE that name, being the main people out. Just like they used to call themselves "Jewel," all those false fronters. Name thieves.
But it's highly unsettling, to realize JUST HOW OFTEN this happens.
"Let me tell YOU this," etc. I'm in here, we're in here, we're all writing TO someone. Someone who has more "fronting rights" than us, someone who is allegedly out ALL the time, or at least often enough to merit THIS sort of talk, this talk like they're responsible for EVERYTHING.
It's scary. It really is. Who are these people?? Who's really in control here??
The only good days, the only clear days, are those in which there is a CONSCIOUS PERCEIVED SPLIT IN REALITY. As long as the "main fronter" isn't aware that there is MORE than their stupid physical programmed life, then we're going to die. Life is going to suck. There NEEDS to be a break.
This feels bad and crumbly. I'm sorry. This isn't the topic I want to talk about.
There are too many people being given control of the body who should NOT HAVE IT. Underline that twenty times please. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO DRIVE THIS LIFE
It's the lie we've been hearing since childhood and that is "this body is ours."
THERE'S A CATCH IN THE TITLE OF OWNERSHIP YOU KNOW
IF YOU ABUSE THE BODY, IF YOU IGNORE THE OTHER "TENANTS" IN HERE,
YOU DON'T FCKING "OWN" ANYTHING.
THE INSTANT YOU DECIDED TO TRASH THIS PLACE TO SPITE THE REST OF US, YOU LOST EVERY FCKING "RIGHT" YOU HAD TO BE HERE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR BODY. EVEN IF IT WAS ONCE, YOU'VE FCKED IT UP, GOODBYE. THIS IS NOT YOURS. GET THE HELL OUT.
No abusers, no blind ones, no numbers, no plaguers, no HACKERS, NO FCKING TAR-STAINED HELLIONS ARE ALLOWED IN THIS SYSTEM DO YOU HEAR ME
GET OUT!!!!!



Heartspace exists. It's not synonymous with Headspace. That's big news.

Laurie was talking to Cel today in light of the Outspacer stuff, also the Pokémon ties to that Jewel brought up the other day… the tangible, tangy-bitter truth that these Outside people cannot stay where they are now, as they are now, it feels wrong. Like a boning knife stuck behind the ribs, all grapefruit-section tearing and orange rawness.
Cel said Heartspace, the "drop-down level" where everything is deep green forests, is closer to the Leagueworlds than it will ever be to old Headspace, the violet "up-top" place where it's all cities and stars.
Heartspace is where Outspacers BELONG. Close to the League, ideally in it, perhaps INSTEAD of with us now.
Laurie couldn't even be there properly as a Headvoice. Too much level dissonance, something.
It needs to be reviewed. It feels hopeful, God there's so much relief in that possibility, that we can let the Outspacers STAY there, for them to have their OWN home, their own fitting place… we love them but we need to bite the bullet and just admit this feeling, they don't belong Upstairs. It's felt so wrong, so wrong, for months now, and we couldn't accept that, we couldn't hold that in one hand and our love for them in the other.
Now this feels like a solution with no loss. God, let it work, let this work, please, let this work. Let us be who WE are, let them be who THEY are.

Damn it I think bridging the gap only works if it STAYS A BRIDGE.
Travel is necessary and implied, notice. You can't live on the damn bridge itself.
The garden… is a garden. The city… is a city. We can have gardens in the city, always, little pockets of green… but we can't put a city in the garden. We tried, we tried to rebuild, Knife got the farthest… but it collapsed, all of the architecture crumbled, it felt pointless. It was.
We didn't belong there, not as we are now, not as we were then. There needs to be changes, bigger changes, better changes…

We need to stop going back to the past and letting this shit get dragged up again.
If people are talking and still alive then fine, it's because that glimmer of them never died, but it's OLD, and it DOESN'T MATCH US.
Stop trying to go back then. THEY AREN'T!!! And you know it! They ARE NOT WHO THEY WERE "BORN" FROM IN 2006. SO LEAVE THAT TIMELINE THE HELL ALONE, IT'S DEAD.

Leave it alone. Leave it alone. If it feels bad, if it makes your heart sick, if it makes you want to pull your hair out and cry, leave it alone. Please.


You only liked Jasper because her face reminded you of Laurie.


Stop fcking denying the truth. Stop rerouting everything.

I'm going to try and help you. I'm going to try. But you need to fcking listen to me. All of us.


I have to be up early tomorrow to drive the grandmother to a doctors appointment and I am so crushingly tired I want to cry. It's been like this for weeks. We're always so tired. We can't work, we're exhausted, I think one day we just need to… do nothing. Somehow.
…No.
No, one day we need to just go Upstairs and stay there.

We're homesick.

 





 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)

 

remember this please.

OUR JOB NOW in the struggle of life: align and balance our outer reality to inner unity consciousness, only supported vibe!

in all situations, anything that reflects or causes us pain/suffering DEMANDS MORE LOVE!!!
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
give more love to yourself, to everyone. embrace accept and heal the shadow aspects of yourself and those around you as they arise.
DO NOT SUPPRESS/ REJECT/ IGNORE THESE SHADOWS! IT WONT WORK!
this energy is being driven to the surface to finally be healed/released
self-exploration, acceptance, and love is the only solution to dealing with these shadows.

 


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


@ 11:17 pm

 

 

easter monday
have not been sleeping well because of illness and stress
went to bed at 5am.
odd half/dreams with chaos and I
diancie-pink energy, also rose quartz (from SU)
we were in station square?
some sort of heart-energy link. had to radiate it out to the world.
vital.

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 11:57 pm

 

 

just a thought, this might be relevant?

a big problem with the eating disorder:

creation cycles EVERY DAY.

waking up= new day, new life. starts over.

new food is typically bought every day.

mindset says= that food must "DIE" before the day is out.
the concept of something being "left over" into tomorrow is bizarre

the night= an annihilation, an ending of EVERYTHING that happened that day

sleep=death

so. the compulsion is to destroy EVERYTHING bought/obtained that day
mind struggling with the concept of "unfinished" things in that respect

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 00:04 am

 

 

Just read something very applicable.

"Because he can be overly scrupulous and experiences manic episodes with his disorder, he has had priests snap at him because he called the parish too many times looking for support. Salazar came closest to leaving the church when one priest told him to go away after Salazar was taking an overly long time in Confession.
"I definitely struggle with that balance between wanting to stay close to God but having to stay away from God, because I don't want to become overly religious" in a way that could be dangerous to his mental health, he says."


That second part is stupidly relevant and it makes me terribly sad because that was me today, 100%, after Divine Mercy Sunday services.

"Unlike many people, those with mental illness can see "the depths and heights of humanity, the soaring glory of the possible and the deep melancholy of life. And that is a gift," Hermes says. She and others in Catholic mental health advocacy hope the church continues to get even better at finding, as Hermes says, the "beautiful in the brokenness.""

That's headspace.

 

 

 

030515

Mar. 5th, 2015 12:10 am
prismaticbleed: (held)

 


(extracted from another entry as it began to fragment out)

...Someone we love wrote about this too, lately. Creating things, and that drive to make something beautiful, to just allow all that to become. We're in that state now too, in and out admittedly, but I don't think it's going away now. We missed it too much, it welcomed us back with open arms, "just be careful, okay?"
And that's the thing about Mage Angels; there's so much pain and bitterness there, it's in Parnassus too, and vo!t@ge... there's a lot of scathing hurt scattered about. It does hurt to write sometimes, especially as the "author," the chosen observer who has to write it all down, but not interfere, at least not without being asked or without clear permission. I remember, "I" stopped writing vo!t@ge for a very long time because I couldn't bear watching a certain boy die. Whoever our core was then, their heart still aches terribly at the thought. But death is inevitable, for him, one way or another. So it is for many others who we can't forget. And then there are those who live in pain, one way or another.
But I know the feeling. I know the feeling. "Is this something I should be writing?" I love these individuals I write about too, with their mistakes and flaws and fears... but their stories hurt, bottom line.
I'm rambling, I'm so sorry. I don't want this to turn into platitudes. That helps no one.
Point is maybe I'm just a sparkle-eyed idiot but maybe that's my job, to love anyway, to shine light anyway, to see hope anyway. With Infinitii I've learned the value of darkness, of those broken and hurt and angry souls. Where would Parnassus be, if not for Delphi's sins, for Genesis' flaws? Mage Angels wouldn't even HAVE a message to give, if not FOR the amount of suffering it held even so. And Dream World, yes even there, I can name several people who have been less than bright. And yes, it hurts to write it all. I think it always will. But you're so right, it's all just as valuable as the good, I mean geez just look at these archives, that's been burnt into our brains again and again. Too much light is just as dangerous as too much dark. They each need the other to be fully realized and understood and appreciated, in this world.

 


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


@ 01:13 am

 

 

Let me try to update a bit. Hello everyone.

(This isn't quite Jay, btw, not 100%. He's fogging in-and-out with what he's tied to. Jewel and the AP are also working at this. It's usually a jumble of those three, and a bunch of unidentified socials. Life's been somewhat tossed-about lately (not bad, just shaky) and that does mess up common fronters so we apologize.)


First things first, as this has been on my mind. There's a message in my inbox that I can't rightfully respond to yet because I didn't read the entry that preceded it. The therapists insists we do so before tomorrow as we are going to be discussing it in-session and I honestly have no clue what was written.
It was all one author, though, all one social author, which is rare. She's written before and she is strongly tied to Overload, but they appear to be subtly different. Both are Brown, and their energies are close, but it's distinguishable.
Most notably, Overload knows about "the Upstairs." She has interacted with us directly before, while the previous author has not. She's just now accepting us entirely, expanding her worldview to include us, consciously. That's big; ALL faceless voices MUST first feel and admit the existence of headspace, in order to gain faces and names, and in time, colors. Most people like that are Socials, though, who almost always come in as Brown at first due to strong links to the body's past (Brown deals with physicality), and the problem is that most Socials exist separate from headspace on purpose, due to the extreme danger a connectedness would have posed in the past: inner matters and outer matters did not blend for quite some time. We tried, sure, but it didn't work well or often. Even the few spotty memories we have from Spinny/Cannon's days in 2008 or so are sandwiched between huge gaps, big empty memory packs that the Socials dealt with and never passed onto us because they were cut off from us by their nature. They were "alters" too, but they weren't "headvoices." We're now realizing that there IS a difference. Therapy is teaching us stuff, making us ask questions and stop taking so much of ourselves for granted. "Downstairs" is still tied to us, via the body we reside in, and that's a relatively "new" concept in its entirety, one which we are still unfortunately struggling with on a daily basis.
Anyway what I'm trying to say is... a lot's been happening? Even if it's just small things, they're adding up. Which is surprising when we stop and look at it... it's all background work mostly, things significant and vital but small enough to be overlooked at first? We shouldn't be doing that either, but to be blunt, we're still recovering from the smothering apathy-doubt of 2014 and re-embracing headspace into our daily life is taking time, little steps forward. At least we're walking.

It hurts to type. I apologize. Our workspace is highly problematic right now and typing for extended periods of time is painful. Suffice to say, our desk/ laptop/ chair don't line up with each other, so. But we'll manage, we'll figure something out.


Last night I read the entirety of Paranatural again because I desperately needed a laugh, and because I needed to get a better grip on the concepts/ history/ etc. in it, with how serious the plot is becoming. I love that comic though; I will promote it every chance I get, haha.

I'm on the last Young Wizards book, at long last. I've had people compare me to one of the characters in this book before (he's autistic apparently) and I've just gotten to his introduction; so far the descriptions are thought-provokingly accurate. I'll keep you posted on that too; the concepts in this book series have strongly inspired me and I'll likely try to write an entry about it when I'm done.
...I never did write an entry for His Dark Materials, did I. I guess that felt too impossible, with how profoundly it affected me. I know I've written about those affectations, how they put deep roots into our psyche-- the daemons, the fruit, the gates-- but there was nothing solid and structured. Nevertheless I think I have notes on this computer. If not I'll just check the book out again, in the future. Right now I'm a little overwhelmed with data, there's too much reading, all the words are making this brain foggy.

Similarly, I didn't do much on Wednesday/Thursday last week, because someone spent two solid nights watching standup poetry on Youtube and we got terrible "style lag" from it. That's our superpower-slash-curse: if we become powerfully absorbed in some art form, some media creation, et cetera-- like the verbal structure of spoken poetry, the dialogue and art style of a comic, a musician's personal flair-- it will stick. For hours or more afterwards, we will be able to emulate that, but we can't control it. It runs amok, really. Last night I had to keep apologizing to headspace because everything looked like it was drawn by Zack Morrison. Last week, we couldn't even think without it turning into a stage delivery. Sure, we were able to write some really cool poetry as a result (it's in the works, I'll let you know when it's done), but the flipside was that I couldn't work in my own style, let alone think, as I said. So trying to recover from that kept us offline for the weekend, entirely so.
(Nevertheless there are a few poems I need to share with you guys, remind me to do so.)

Even worse, we've been trying to talk to people online, just randomly, trying to find local artists and musicians and the like in the hope of finding similar minds. It's... well, it's exhausting. It's one thing to find folks and send a line or two, "hey I heard you're into this creative thing too," et cetera, but remember we don't usually talk to people. No IMs, no steady stream of small messages, things like that. At first someone thought it was a "character flaw" I guess and decided we "should be talking to EVERYONE," and then when we actually started getting things in the inbox the reaction was... well, "dread" is the only word that works. Yeah, some of these people are really cool, and it's interesting to answer some questions, but for heaven's sakes conversation is hell. We're currently considering just abandoning all the talk, pulling a "French leave" and disappearing unannounced, completely. It's draining our batteries dead, honestly maybe this is something "wrong with us" but this attempt, one of many similarly failed attempts of the exact same sort, regardless of genuine effort... this has just proven that we just can't socialize. Is that bad? Does that make us a freak? What if we function better alone? What if we still want friendships, just those that don't force us to constantly chatter and message people? And I'm not talking about the one in our LJ inbox, that's perfect, that's the point I want to make here... that works. It works perfectly. We're just crushed by guilt for not being "normal" sometimes, which is frustrating.

We've been filling out a lot of job applications too, which is almost as draining as talking to people directly. There aren't many jobs in this area-- it's a small town, kind of in the boondocks; most of this area is trucking and factories. We've tried factory work, and the few bits of data we have from it are making us hesitang to try again. Fast-paced production, no room for mistakes or confusion caused by our sensory input problems... lots of noise, no light. It's not a healthy environment for us and honestly we can't function well like that, we wouldn't be helping anyone. So we try to swallow the weird shame and worthlessness we feel for "making excuses," and put in applications for store work. Cashiers, mostly-- everything else requires experience we don't have. We could handle stock work, we think, but can't find any local openings-- and location is key, as we don't have reliable transportation. Nevertheless we need money. We thank God every day that our grandparents are still living, and helping support us, because our "mother" has said flat-out multiple times that she would not do the same. Let's leave it at that. Bottom line though is that it's still hard to live on $70 a month for groceries when you're struggling with eating disorders. Lord knows we're trying, but it's not an overnight fix. Is it? Should it be? Is it even a matter of "iron willpower" at all? We're so used to saying "we only have problems because we weren't strong enough," that we get confused when someone tells us "grief is a normal process" or"anger is a normal reaction" or "what they didn't wasn't your fault" or "you need time to heal."
That's one bit in A Wizard Alone that stood out so far, actually. "...Some autistic people have trouble conceiving of anything existing outside the workings of their own minds. The concept of 'the other' seems to take a long time forming. That's part of why so many of them can't make or keep eye contact with other people..." I read that and just thought, "geez that's applicable." Especially that first bit, with reality-- that's been a constant our entire life, and we didn't realize it was unusual until we started reading stuff like this. I don't know if eye contact plays into it though? I've never really thought about that, maybe I should. We had to at our last therapy session, actually-- she started laughing during a monologue, I asked why, she said we were like a cat with a laser pointer. She pointed out that when she talks, and moves her hands, we watch her hands like a hawk. Our eyes follow every movement. I laughed at that, a little surprised, and then I remember that we instinctively stuttered out "hands are easier to understand than faces." That gave me pause, as I'd never had to "defend" that tendency before, and hearing that immediate response was intruguing. So there's that. Also though, looking at a face while listening is terribly overwhelming. There's too much stress. Not only is the attention deafening, it's also demanding-- I can either listen and understand your speech, or try to do all the little "social actions" that making eye contact usually accompanies. If someone's looking at me, they're usually expecting me to conform to a certain standard of "correct behavior" and I then have to guess what it is every millisecond. It's exhausting. Long story short, if I don't look at you, I can be an individual, I can listen and learn, I don't have to talk or smile or move a certain way. When I have to look at you, that all goes out the window. The only time I will comfortably look at someone in the eyes is, ironically, when I'm staring on my own agenda. If I don't have to listen to anything, but I think you have nice eyes, I will stare at them. But then I get confused and stressed when people start talking, or stare back, etc. You know what, I guess that is proof of the whole "no sense of otherness" thing! Because I expect them to just let me stare, that they're just some observable being that knows I'm just looking and will act accordingly. It's kind of upsetting when people react in unpredictable ways, then I don't understand what's happening and that's scary sometimes. It's when dissociation happens the most; socials or numbs will come in and basically just try to escape/end that situation as quickly and safely as possible.
I can't turn that off. I've tried, I've tried so hard to erase that sort of behavior from my psyche so I won't be a "freak" anymore, but I can't. What do we do, then? If we're doomed to be a freak, and we don't mind, but everyone else seems to... I don't know.
I'm just going to finish this book first and see if it helps more. All the other 5 books did in their own way, this one will too, I know it.


I am profoundly tired. I've been standing for about 5 solid hours, we rarely sit down anyway. But it wears you out.
At least we're slowly getting back into exercise. Just please, please don't ask about the yoga. That's such a messy topic, I don't even know where to start, or if we should talk about it.
Yes, it's cool if you look at it like a maintenance thing, a logical thing. Move the body a certain way, and you cause muscles and organs to move in ways that are beneficial, etc. It's like a science that way. But when we get these books, there's so much talk, so much language that feels too much like the passive-aggressive orders of our childhood for comfort. Which is upsetting, because we want to do these exercises, but that kind of wording elicits a lot of "empowering rebellion" actions from young faceless alters. Angry kids who want a say in their own life for once, and who are now bitterly heartbroken because you demanded they do something they wanted to do on their own. Now, if they do it, you'll patronize and/or control them even more. It's uncomfortable and really I'm happier just doing intuitive stretches and things. This body knows how it wants to move; problem is I often can't figure out how to get it to move a certain way. Ironically the yoga books don't help much. Too many of the poses are currently impossible for us, which tends to cause a lot of existentially spiritual terror, the old kind, the "if I can't do this does that mean I'm flawed? will I be damned for not being able to do your damned stretches??" Basically, if yoga really is this "perfect exercise" that promotes spiritual growth and miraculous healing and the like-- something we can grasp through the "scientific" perspective, sure"-- but we can't do a lot of the exercises, does that make us some sort of demon? Does our reticence mean we're evil, and giving in to that evil out of laziness?
Let me tell you, we tried. We ended up sobbing on the living room rug for an hour from how helpless and scared we felt. First, we still can't kneel on our left foot, it won't bend that way. Second, our hips have clunked and popped since elementary school, and although we'd love to fix that, it makes a LOT of the yoga poses impossible because our legs will literally jam. Third, our hypotension makes it terrifically painful to lay on our back in most situations, or to stay upside-down for long in any position. The intense skull pressure is unbearable and it causes lingering pain. We can't get around that either, at least not yet. And that's the kicker-- yoga effectively promises that if you do it, all those problems will melt away. And God I HOPE so, but we're going to have to find a way around half the poses you're giving us first. Oh yes, and fourth-- there are a lot of poses that we cannot do simply because the amount of internal screaming they elicit is awful. That in turn drags up huge amounts of self-loathing and inadequacy, "if we're afraid of these poses it means we're broken and wrong and evil," etc. etc., all harmful language but it's because we're afraid it's true.
There hasn't felt like there's much "wiggle room" for the mentally ill in modern spiritual communities. We've reached out but don't get any real support. When we do, it's typically of the sort we've admittedly shouted about here in the past-- the sort that effectively hand-waves away the existence of negative things, the too-bright sort. What hurts is that we know they're good people, we feel that, we know the advice is given with the best intentions... but it's not always the best advice for us. That is a very, very difficult thing for us to accept sometimes... the fact that we have our own needs and can assert them. We're used to other people telling us what we need, or don't need, and why. But that's all just orders. It's not what we feel. And that's valid. We're learning, it's a truth that takes time to step into.


This is getting so tangled. That's what happens with stream-of-consciousness typing, and people jumping all over the page to write. You're never sure who wrote what, or when, or in what order. It gets foggy.

There were lemons on sale for 75 CENTS A BAG the other day, at the store. I bought six bags. I already had two at home. Absolutely worth it. (I will drink them all, just watch me.)
Anyway we used three of those lemons to make a lemon meringue pie with the grandmother this morning. The filling has the coolest texture ever but we can't eat it because of eggs and butter and sugar. But it's pretty.
It's been snowing lately and that's pretty too, which broke my heart because today I was staring out the window at the trees against the white, and I thought, "winter is almost over. My favorite season, and where have I been to see it?" We've been so disoriented this winter, what with the surgeries and the personal stress. It's hard to remember anything, and there's sick sad vibes clinging to much of it. It's hilarious though... the bit of time in October or so, those few weeks when we played Dishonored while the leaves were falling outside? We don't remember anything but the game, and walking outside with the wind and the leaves and this stuck in our head. It's all so positive, so gorgeously vivid, that game put down some beautiful roots and I am so so so glad for it. It painted the autumn beautiful this year, the first autumn I can remember, ever... I'm so happy we had that light, that massive light, between the missing summer and the confused winter.
Now it's March and I don't know where the past 2 months went but I'm trying. It's Lent and we're trying, ironically now we're trying too hard and messing up. Every Lent we tend to take on 5, 6 tasks for self-improvement but then we take on a "no mistakes allowed" mindset and if we aren't instantly perfect on Ash Wednesday we feel like a moral failure. It's a very unhealthy habit but it's an old one. Again, time, and recognition.
At least there is another big light on the horizon. Somehow, Saint Patrick's Day has a lot of positivity tied to it from childhood, although we have no memories of it at all. Part of it is all the GREEN, it's gorgeous. And part of it is, oddly, the fact that the word "Irish" is one of our favorite words sensory-wise, not only are the consonants very soothing but the word itself is synaesthetically green! So that's super nice.
But that's not even the best of it. EASTER IS COMING. Every year Easter is incredible, both dark and light, I can't wait. I cannot put into words the amount of sheer magic tied to Easter for me personally... actually that whole period from Palm Sunday on. It's deeply introspective, rich with wonder and woe alike, colored with violets and daffodils and lilies as well as with thorns and blood and broken wood. The church we go to, it's so beautiful, every Holy Week the light comes in through the windows and paints the place gold... God it's gorgeous. I should take pictures this year.
And oddly, oddly. I don't know why, and I don't know when, but there is one memory from childhood we have about Easter that just paints everything. We were young, it was spring, it was drizzling outside, the sky was grey but it was so bright and everything smelled like spring... the bluet flowers were coming up in the yard, the muscari were blooming on the hills, the lilies were everywhere in the church. God just the smell of the flowers, with the light rain and the high silver skies and that light, green-smelling wind... in my backyard, on the road, wearing some sort of little dress and throwing my arms up to the air and breathing it all in... it felt like the beginning of a book. The world was bursting with about-to-be, with the promise of new adventure, with imagination and wonder and joy. That feeling, THAT feeling, that IS Dream World to me.
...And you know what? I first started writing the original "book" form of it on March 5th 2000, right before Lent began. I'm not surprised.
Geez, I... even thinking about that, it makes me so happy. I needed that. I felt very out-of-sync today and the daily grind has been beating me down lately, so suddenly tapping into that pastel-bright bliss of childhood was exactly what my heart needed.

There was a light-river in the living room the other day, the kind Maitru used to chase when I was a kid, and she and the other Guardians had semi-anchor plushies. So much joy there. But I ran right up to the little river and for a second time hadn't changed, for a second everything was right in the world and I could do anything, everything was limitless. Feeling that so genuinely, so fast... inside, I'm still reeling a little, but with incredible boundless excitement. It's still there. ALL of it, it's still there, I can tap into it, it's not broken or gone or tainted! At all! I should have guessed, at Christmas, that one evening Jewel just watched the tree for an hour, all red and gold, and got right back into the story flow... nothing was lost. God I was so scared the hackers had touched it, had ruined it somehow. They tried, we all know they tried. But they failed, spectacularly. Nothing was broken. I don't know how to put into words just how happy I am at that. It's like a sunrise in my chest, like a golden sunrise.

Oh, I should mention. I'm painting shirts again, finally! I have limited paint colors to work with but hey, it's making me draw. I have 3 shirt designs sketched out so far, but at least 6 more to go... once they're all drawn onto the fabric, I'll spend a few days mixing up the paints and actually doing the shirts, so they can all dry together. I'm staying with minimal color palettes to make that easier, picking easy people to color too. Yes I'm doing a bunch of Leagueworld shirts, it's making me so happy. I'll show you them when I'm done!


It's weird, but nice. Lately my optimism and sparkle-eyed outlook has been deepening to twilight hues around the edges. Technically it's catching shadows, but the word I keep wanting to use is that it's softening. It's mellowing out. Feels a little ironic, to say that about a decrease in the brightness level, but look at a kaleidoscope. You need a great deal of dark for those to work, as well as a great deal of light. I like that analogy.
This is me though, this is my native level, this balance. It's me, just like the ones I love, a paradox just like our earliest ones called themselves. It never changed, really. I remember one of us, riding a bus home from New York with their head tired against the cold glass, Anna Molly playing over their headphones as they watched streetlights and trees swift away in the dark. It's a beloved memory, however sad its edges may be, because of the wonder that surrounded it, that was held within it nonetheless. And so that person, too, was a pardox, was an anomaly. They couldn't see it then, but they were two opposites at once, as they wished to be... two seemingly contradictory things, coexisting. That's life, at its heart, and that's us, too.

I had the physical bed to myself for 3 days this week, so of course I took that as an opportunity to let the late-night overlays go full force (kind of helped by the fact that we were up working until 2AM all three of those days). Long story short, what that means is that this is the first time since SLC that I've literally fallen asleep and woken up beside Chaos, and been tangibly aware of it downstairs. Which was really, really lovely.
God I missed him. I've missed everything about and around him.
I have to say though, I am ridiculously happy that THIS is a thing that is happening. Chaos has wholeheartedly agreed to switch his anchor plush when I get one, because his old one is like 6 years old now and it's loveworn to death. I'm just laughing because I keep thinking of this dream and I keep having to remind myself that I will probably not wake up and find such a new plush in my mailbox already. But I can dream, pun intended.
(still, "totally out of left field" my tail; with all the love I've sent his way over the years this sort of thing was inevitable dude)
Oh, and please watch this video, I don't know how I found it but I could not stop smiling while watching it. It's like if Sonic Inversion had actually been made into a game, thats what it reminded me of. Chaos being able to run, going Super (which is GORGEOUS; also I had to pause it and stare for a minute there to make sure that wasn't the Ruby), driving a freaking car, the whole shebang. And then there's the fact that he does Sonic's victory dance at the end and somehow it still works and geez, it's like 2005, like the Outspacer days all over again. Sorry for slipping back into that style of speaking but that's what it feels like, that boundless joyful freedom of those early days, that even he tapped into entirely. I have a lot to say about that but not tonight, it's too late in the evening.

One last thing, this is extremely important and I keep forgetting to say it.
Glissando-- one of our past cores, she was with Cannon for a while and wrote most of our music from 2009-- is still alive. She came through the other day shockingly clear, and WITH a color (which was probably why). It's a violet hue. Something close to this, really. For a musician, that struck me as unusual. Violets are usually protectors of some sort. But then it hit me; she is; she protects that sort of sheer musical creativity, something no one else seems to be able to reach or corrupt for that matter. So I'm very glad she's still alive. I'll have to get her to finish the LG*Girls OST soon.
Also, another E.D. voice has "manifested." I have to thank Cel for that. Last week we were all just experimenting with "who can actually eat non-green foods without being shoved out by the Destroyer or one of the abusive socials" and basically no one could; Emmett can only eat green and Fig seems to have demanifested. But then Cel stepped in and SHE could?? Which shocked us, until we remember she had bloodline ties so she predated the eating disorder severity to an extent. Nevertheless it wasn't her job, so although she could do it, it was still "weird" for her and she didn't want to mess up her anchor or anything. So that's how it was for a week or so, with us trying to get a grip on what faceless people were on that level... and then on Tuesday, Xenophon showed up ghosting thinking I was in the body, but I can't eat so it was someone else. Upset, she interrogated them about that (as usual) and demanded they tell her who they were, and what they were doing, and why. She got an answer.
Their name is Leena. They are a LIME voice (something like this?), faceless yet, feeling semi-humanoid, nongendered with a female pronoun bias. Once we got the name we were able to tune into a vibe, so now we can identify her when she's out. But yes, she is the missing link we were trying to find-- the Downstairs voice who eats, and semi-destroys, without being angry or crushed with shame or guilt. The Destroyer doesn't eat, or taste things, or enjoy the process at all; she just destroys stuff. Leena seems tied to the obsessive texture-mangling thing that can lead to destruction if taken too far, but which nevertheless makes a lot of edibles a lot easier/safer eat than they would be otherwise. It's complicated and I apologize, but this is extremely relieving news. We now have TWO safe eaters (Leena and Emmett). That is big. So we're happy about this. We'll have to see if we can get her upstairs, to find her face; then she can work with Spice and Emmett in person. If not (we don't know if going upstairs would mess up her function?) then hey, we're glad she exists nevertheless.

...But that's something about Xenophon that amazes me, and everyone else really. She seems to be able to talk to ANYONE, on ANY level of this body-system, Upstairs or Downstairs and everything in-between. That's unprecedented. Even if they're faceless and/or nameless and/or abusive, as long as they are able to detect someone ghosting, she can talk to them-- even when Genesis can't. She has a different sort of aura, something less focused, something more all-inclusive.
...It's making me wonder about the whole "bridge the gap" thing again. Maybe it wasn't "my" job. Maybe it's hers. She never saw a gap in the first place.



...It is snowing beautifully outside right now. I just hope that doesn't affect our therapy appointment tomorrow, we need that.
I wish I had a temperature-insulated bubble or something (hey Infi) so I could go outside and just run around in this weather, at this hour. It's gorgeous. Snow and streetlights are also one of Cannon's (?) few positive archived memories, back from the IJ days. They're just always a sign of peace, of a sort of transcendence to the environment, something deeply more than our daily troubles... nighttime is like that always, but add in the ethereal snow, the glow of the roads, and you have something so heavenly and alien it lifts your mind right out of the rush.
I think I'm going to go stare at it a bit. I'm very very tired and it's 12:24 AGAIN (that number is a reminder for creative effort to me at least, and I keep seeing it so yes I will take the hint).


I hope this entry is coherent. I'm starting to get the icy-lungs feeling which means sleep is mandatory right now, or else.
I wish you all well.

 

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