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prismaticbleedSTRATEGIES FOR INCORPORATING NEW FOODS
★NOT FOR HEALING TRAUMA!!!
★ "FIVE TYPES OF GLUTTONY" FEAR. This emphasis on "variety" & "novelty" & "complexity" is giving me genuine moral unease. Isn't it more spiritually beneficial to eat PLAIN, SIMPLE, COMMON foods? At least, WITHOUT rejecting differences when CALLED TO in social situations or by authority??
BUT for everyday life, we SHOULDN'T be "trying to expand our palate" because that's just VAPID INDULGENCE, isn't it? I want to be HUMBLE & CONTENT with a SIMPLE diet!!
+ Adding spices/ condiments ONLY works for nutritive goals; it WORSENS BINGE TRIGGERS and CANNOT HEAL TRAUMA!! It also INCREASES process stress; it makes meals TOO complex/ exhausting
+ Sometimes food "forms" have wildly different responses. For example, chickpeas are scary, but CRUNCHY dried ones AREN'T so much?? This is because they have DIFFERENT MEMORY ROOTS!! The "traumabrain" literally sees them as ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FOODS.
+ DO NOT FORCE "NEW" WAYS OF PREPARING FOODS!! "Trying" all these unnecessary, complicated preps is FOOLISH-- bad for budget, time, AND spiritual simplicity!!
+ As far as "getting comfortable with new foods," DECONSTRUCTION is OUR DEFAULT! However, the book gives pizza as an example-- trying the crust alone, then the cheese, etc.-- and our problem is that PIZZA is its OWN UNIQUE EXPERIENCE, and so it DOESN'T REGISTER AS "cheese + bread + tomato"!!!!! Our brain sees them as COMPLETELY UNIQUE ITEMS, both in experience and history, like I mentioned previously!! Cheese & bread is okay. Cheese & sauce is okay. Bread & sauce is okay. But PIZZA IS NOT OKAY. PIZZA HAS ITS OWN TRAUMA & MEMORY ANCHORS, UNIQUELY AS PIZZA!!! In theory, this could ALSO happen with the ingredient pairs-- plain bread is terrifying, but adding the cheese makes it safe, BECAUSE OF MEMORY ASSOCIATIONS (notably childhood grilled cheese with grandma). That's how freaking specific our brain is.
★ "You may be comfortable with one version of a food but not another" = I get this SO distinctly-- even temperature differences can make something register as a "different" food!! Ironically, (as the example shows the opposite) I've grown to be comfortable with raw apples (crunchy!) but NOT applesauce yet? Our problem is that our food aversions are BASED ON VERY SPECIFIC MEMORY/ TRAUMA ASSOCIATIONS!! It's typically NOT "dislike" of a taste, it's "dislike" of what that taste REMINDS us of, usually VERY STRONGLY-- trauma foods can trigger legit physiological flashbacks! So, I could eat ALL the raw carrots I want-- COOKED carrots are still scary, and FROZEN "striped" carrots are a TRAUMA FOOD. Raw carrots CANNOT touch that, because THEY were never associated to THOSE distinct events!! So it CAN'T be "eased into" this way. Each version is DISTINCT for a REASON. Blurring this would destroy us psychologically.
★ "Adding spice" & "Switching the prep" = These will only COMPOUND THE PROBLEM if I'm not careful! I can get "addicted" to condiments, AND the "taste conflict" often makes it MORE stressful to eat. I NEED, personally, to eat foods as SOLO experiences, ESPECIALLY if they're new, so I CAN "understand" what I'm eating AND prevent "vibe/ association fusing/ muddling" from TOO much input? Like, yes, I enjoy BOTH broccoli and cheese, but TOGETHER would be nauseating & distressing because my brain would interpret the "fused data" as a WHOLE NEW FOOD, and I wouldn't be able to appreciate EITHER ingredient as its own distinct thing!!
+ Similarly, let's take zucchini. Raw, steamed, sauteed, grilled, AND seasoned zucchini ALL REGISTER AS "DIFFERENT FOODS" on some level IN ORDER TO PREVENT MENTAL "DATA MUD" DISTRESS. "Zucchini" becomes "GOOD OR BAD" depending on the prep prefix, associated with specific experiences, and making them "universal" would RUIN THE FOOD. I enjoy raw zucchini, BUT steamed zucchini has trauma ties, and grilled zucchini will make me want to throw up. I CANNOT infect the raw experience by "seeing them all as one food"!! "Switching it up" only overcomplicates things?
★ HOWEVER, I cannot be such a stubborn complainer. Look at the COPE meals! I CAN ACTUALLY EAT POTATOES for this SAME REASON. Yes, I'm still TERRIFIED of baked potatoes (trauma), BUT home fries are fine, and so are wedges, because they have DIFFERENT MEMORY ROOTS. The real point is NOT obligation to try ALL preparations!!! The point is finding at LEAST ONE WAY TO ACTUALLY, SAFELY EAT a food that IS scary in a DIFFERENT way!!!
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FEAR OF CONSEQUENCES OF EATING
★ In terms of trauma fears concerning food, the LITERAL answer to "whether or not my trauma will come true" is-- thanks be to God-- ALWAYS NO!!! Eating grits & dinosaur oatmeal CANNOT turn me back into a sexslave!! Eating ramen & tortillas & pizza CANNOT trap me overnight in their apartment!! Eating pineapple & beets & Lunabars CANNOT send me back to SLC!! IT'S LITERALY IMPOSSIBLE.
★ Yes, the MEMORIES & FEARS ARE REAL, BUT THEIR THREAT TO OUR LIFE was ALWAYS SEPARATE FROM THE LITERAL FOOD; the food just happened to be eaten DURING that potentially fatal event/ time period!! THE FOOD ITSELF IS INCAPABLE OF "REINITIATING TRAUMA." It can therefore actually HELP US, by ALLOWING us to FACE THOSE FLASHBACKS SAFELY, and BY facing them, ADMIT/ UNTANGLE/ HEAL THEM AT LAST!!! God guide us!
ARFID-SUD SCALE
"personally determined hierarchy for food exposure in ARFID with concern about aversive consequences"
★ 60+ ACTIVELY REFUSING to try?
"50" is no action?
0-40 is actively willing to eat
60-100 is actively wanting to RUN
BASED ON CURRENT UPMC EXPERIENCE & THEORETICALLY APPLIED MEMORY.
0 = genuinely enjoy eating these.
eggs, oats, english muffins, broccoli, chicken, yogurt, grilled cheese
10 = want to eat it, a little hesitant
cherries, lettuce, berries, grapes, cucumbers, zucchini, apples, cauliflower, corn, soymilk, milk
20 = subtly nervous in eating
cantaloupe, pears, artichokes, cabbage, tomato, beets, lemons, apricot
30 = anxious, but don't want to be
pineapple, brussels sprouts, cranberries, cornmeal, grapefruit, spinach, asparagus, figs
40 = "it's scary, but I'll try it"
tilapia, collards, plantains, leeks, green peppers, bamboo shoots, pumpkin, plum, ice cream
50 = "I'm scared enough to be STUCK"
celery, prunes, pomegranate, scallions, endive, mushrooms
60 = feeling notable dread.
kale, eggplant, turnips, snow peas, rice, pretzels, guava, goji berries
70 = feeling intense fear.
sweet potato, roast beef, TVP, muesli, waffles, crackers
80 = legit panicking.
all beans, kiwi, swiss chard, onions, chia seeds, rice cakes, barley, tortillas, rice milk
90 = shaking terror.
dates, mango, papaya, watercress, starfruit, ham, walnuts, ramen
100 = "I CANNOT DO THIS." ACUTE "fear of death"!!!
chocolate milk, chocolate candy, pancakes, syrup, hummus, coconut, sesame seeds, grits, shrimp, smoothies
★ A NOTABLY DRAMATIC EXAMPLE/ ILLUSTRATION of this is CHOCOLATE MILK.
Before trying it-- AND both during & after the first try!!-- it was a screaming 10. I legit thought I was going to die. Try #2 was me just gulping it down. But I didn't die then either. Try #3, yeah I'm still scared, BUT now it's only a 6 at its worst. I'm WILLING to face it again; even though I'm feeling that dread, I'm not panicking. Subconsciously, NOW I KNOW it's not "as scary" as it once was, before exposure. And further courageous, willing, mindful exposures will ALSO further decrease that distress! So SEEING it happen in realtime via lists like this STRENGTHENS my hope & bravely encourages me to keep trying, until it hits 0!
★ AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION: EVEN if a food's DISTRESS RESPONSE is 0, I still might not "favor the flavor"! AND THAT'S OKAY!! I'm ALLOWED to have preferences-- AS LONG AS THEY ARE FREE FROM FEARS & JUDGMENTS. I'll probably never list chocolate milk as a "fave," BUT the goal is to be TOTALLY UNFAZED if I do have to drink it at some point-- not afraid, not angry, not hateful, only free.
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AVOIDANT EATING RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN
Ways that my eating has improved since the start of treatment:
+ Able to tolerate feelings of fullness without purging; decreasing anxiety over fullness
+ Decreasing "sickness/ poison/ allergy" fears; increased openness to new variety (baby steps)
+ Able to eat several foods I used to completely avoid/ fear; willing to face new ones
+ No longer terrified/ triggered by mess/ crumbs/ spills
+ Decrease in abnormal "completionist"/ OCD order & isolation behaviors; able to resist urges
Possible future triggers for relapse:
+ Too much talking/ noise around me/ being directly spoken to while eating, especially personal questions
+ Being forced to rush during meals, or having to eat in a hurry between appointments/ responsibilities
+ Despair/ depression/ anxiety/ guilt spikes; loss of coping methods or skill tools; family distancing
+ New disturbing experiences/ associations with foods, EVEN ones I enjoy/ have already healed
+ TRAUMA flashbacks/ reminders while eating, or before/ after eating (never really safe)
Red flags that I might be starting to relapse:
+ Abandoning/ decreasing self-care/ cleaning activities
+ Hyperrestricting types of foods eaten; repeating same meal over & over
+ Reluctance/ refusal to try new foods/ varieties; "throwing out" the rest if I do try it
+ Taking Benadryl before &/or after I eat; using laxatives; "flushing out" food with too much fluid
+ Overmixing, overspicing, and/or isolation of ingredients; "must eat every last tiny crumb"
+ "Pushing" unnecessary foods OR "undereating" to avoid fullness OR "try too hard" (NO SELF-RESPECT)
Techniques to continue or try on my own after treatment is completed:
+ Try at least one new food every week, working up to two; revisit things periodically
+ Utilize SMO time! Sit in couch & play Klonoa for an hour if that works!
+ DON'T re-omit old fear foods; be willing to regularly incorporate them into meals
+ Practice eating with utentils, in public, with background noise/ TV, and with family
+ Learn to eat foods AS COMBOS, not "one ingredient/ piece at a time", WITHOUT "forcing" combos compulsively/ unnaturally
Ways I'd like to continue to change my eating post-treatment:
+ Go to restaurants with family AND even alone; regularly eat WITH other people, esp. in public
+ Incorporate "complex" foods into my diet (things that must be cooked/ prepared extensively?)
+ Learn to bake things! Donate stuff to church bake sales, AND give to family & neighbors!
+ Get comfortable with eating "on the road," and at "unexpected times/ places" with minimal "plans"
+ Become able to cope with trauma symptoms & sensory overwhelm without relapsing, especially in public!!!
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SELF-MONITORING RECORD FOR AVOIDANT EATING
TIME = 100422 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = CHOCOLATE CAKE!! (with milk chocolate frosting)
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = TERRIFIED to see it! Upon tasting: "oh no, I like it??" Reminded me of mom's baking, & Easter chocolates! Tasted JUST like grandma's frostings.
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = Anxiety in stomach, body tense. No actual taste aversion! Slight "choking" fear, from the dense texture
TIME = 100422 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = Spaghetti, tomato sauce, parmesan cheese (I actually like the meatballs) = I DID avoid meat for YEARS, but my body ALWAYS craved it. I was immediately fond of these; they taste JUST like school memories of "hot lunches," and their texture is nice too. I actually look foward to them now!
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = "Isolating" cheese/sauce "for last" instead of eating together. SCARED of "humiliating" process of slurping/ dropping noodles. Cut them up small, chewed VERY slowly to avoid choking on them. Still anxious about the taste AND texture/ mouthfeel of the long noodles. Sauce is still a bit scary too? Fear of acidity, dislike of "cooked" flavor tone? Vague "sickness" memory fears of the parmesan (migraines). Felt "dirty" eating long noodles?? Associate them with ROT & spills from bad storage/ being mocked as a child for "being piggish"?
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = SOME disgust/ nausea over the noodle texture/ FEELING the "wormy" shape in my mouth, even when cut up. "Slurping" is TRAUMATIC in both the sensation & sound-- legit FRIGHTENED of "associated danger" from some past context?? Unidentified, but most likely SXABUSE!!!! Stomach upset from sauce; slight but notable; unease. Felt disheveled, wrong, upset after.
TIME = 100322 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = STRAWBERRY SUNDAE!! (a little one! in a cup!)
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = Legit almost skipped it. Determined to try anyway. One but in... "oh no. I LIKE IT!" Soft sweet PURE VANILLA ice cream! Wonderful smooth & creamy texture; NOT icy or watery or sticky! Lovely little "swirls" around the edges, so fun to eat. Felt like a happy kid. The strawberry sauce was VERY scary in concept, BUT I was SHOCKED that it ACTUALLY tasted like REAL STRAWBERRY! Not artificial! And it wasn't "sticky," just the tiniest bit. I even swirled some INTO the ice cream once I "got" the flavor. Honestly so grateful & surprised at how NICE the experience was. Thought of grandma. ♥
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = Slight initial anxiety at "eating sugar" AND at "eating ICE CREAM" (old trauma/ binge food; fear of "sugar death"). Enjoyed the creamy texture, especially when starting to melt. Teeth hurt a little from the cold/ sweet but I didn't react negatively to it; just let it be. Anxiety/ nausea spike when trying the syrup, but soon assuaged by its LOVELY RED FLAVOR ♥
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