the spectrum heart cathedral system

+ We had a LEGIT TRAUMA SHUTDOWN last night, which was very disturbing because WE COULDN'T "OVERRIDE" IT TO FRONT. The body was designated SO UNSAFE that EVERYONE WAS LOCKED OUT-- that is, notably, EXCEPT ANY VIOLENT PROTECTOR. Shockingly, WRECKAGE could get halfway in, as could our favorite "angry writer" (we THINK?)-- who STILL doesn't have a name OR clear color (they MIGHT be dark vermilion?? in any case they're NOT RED, not even Blood; their vibes are VERY specific and DON'T match hers!!)-- but THAT'S IT. Julie tried, Infi tried, Scalpel tried, Sugar tried, Knife tried, RAZOR tried, LAURIE tried-- but ALL of them either had "inapplicable" functions OR functions that were incompatible with the perceived DANGER and "REQUIRED" behavior/ lack thereof? Retributors ARE strong & crisis-anchored, BUT they CAN'T & AREN'T BUILT TO do anything in a "FREEZE" SITUATION!! The ONLY reason why WRECKAGE & "SCALD" COULD, is because the body is frozen to SURVIVE A PROLONGED THREAT, BUT if that threat becomes an IMMINENT DANGER-- especially directly-- WE NEED TO THEN FIGHT TO SURVIVE!!! And THOSE Nousfoni MUST THEREFORE BE SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE. After literally dying from it in CNC, LAURIE IS NOT. She's actually FORBIDDEN from publically fronting SO HER TRUE FUNCTION WILL BE PROTECTED & PRESERVED. She's MEANT TO BE INTERNAL; ALL HER POWER IS ALSO INTERNAL! She fights NONPHYSICAL threats. ON THE OTHER HAND, WRECKAGE EXISTS TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN, who historically and notably are threatened by OUTSIDE ABUSE!!! So she CAN get a foothold, however clumsily, EVEN if we're frozen, SOLELY BECAUSE WE ARE IN PERCEIVED DANGER AND MIGHT QUICKLY NEED TO JUMP INTO ACTION TO "SURVIVE" THAT DANGER.
HOWEVER. There's ANOTHER distinction. WRECKAGE STILL ISN'T A SOCIAL!!!! Her true roots are INTERNAL! She DID originally manifest OUTSIDE, BUT since the CHILDREN would not/ could not front, she ANCHORED INSIDE, to primarily PROTECT THEIR SELVES, but STILL ABLE & READY TO FRONT IF NEEDED-- a very unique case, since she IS ACTUALLY NOT MEANT FOR VIOLENCE. She would NEVER "attack" while in the body-- it wouldn't have affected the INTERNALLY BASED ABUSERS anyway. THAT'S why the RETRIBUTORS exist!! AND EVEN THEY were SHIFTED INSIDE when their external function got TOO DEEP in terms of SELFHOOD for them to remain a SELF-LIMITED SOCIAL. Ironically, that constrained & "shallow" sense of self IS WHAT ALLOWS SOCIALS TO BE "SOCIAL"!! They would NOT BE ABLE TO EXIST IN THE BODY IF THEY HAD THEIR OWN SELF-IMAGE & AWARENESS? THAT is why it is SO HARD to reach them or talk to them-- typically, their very awareness of "selfhood" is minimized, so they CAN switch at hyperspeeds AND not experience body dysphoria/ dissonance in the process: THE MAIN PURPOSE OF A SOCIAL IS TO "SOCIALIZE"-- TO EXIST IN THE BODY AS A CONTEXTUALLY CONSTRAINED "PERSONA," IN ORDER FOR US TO SURVIVE THAT CONTEXT. That INCLUDES Socials who exist to CHANGE or ESCAPE that context, if/ when it is deemed intolerable/ dangerous enough to require such active interference. So that includes BOTH the scared AND the scary.
ACTUALLY... thinking about it, I wonder if ALL SOCIALS TRULY ADHERE TO TRAUMA MECHANICS??? As in the triangle of VICTIM/ PERSECUTOR/ RESCUER, AND/OR the CPTSD "STRESS RESPONSE" SQUAD: FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN. Because it REALLY SEEMS APPLICABLE and it would make A LOT OF SENSE!!! It would ALSO FINALLY give us a way of understanding AND categorizing AND possibly even IDENTIFYING the Socials at large, who have been a frustrating enigma for YEARS, preventing UNITY between System levels & seriously affecting our ability to function at ALL, let alone as a WHOLE. Socials almost ALWAYS bring along DISSOCIATIVE EPISODES, either BY their fronting OR as the CAUSE/ TRIGGER FOR their fronting! Arguably, dissociation "STOPS" when they LEAVE??? Because trauma triggers-- although they DO force out Socials to cope physically, ALSO "wake up" the SPECTRUM, the "internal" nousfoni who MANAGE the CPTSD ITSELF. When the social situation is finally deemed "safe enough" TO allow ACTUAL THOUGHT & SELFAWARENESS, the "UPSTAIRS" folks IMMEDIATELY jump into action... INSIDE!!! Because THAT'S OUR JOB!!! And THAT'S why CNC was LETHAL-- it LITERALLY UPROOTED THE UPSTAIRS, dragging it into the SELF-SUPPRESSING SOCIAL REALM, and through that FORCED "REDEFINEMENT" OF FUNCTION-- MANDATED BY THE LEVEL SHIFT-- it ALL BUT MASSACRED CENTRAL. THAT'S ALSO WHY "CENTRAL" STILL HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO RECOVER-- the nousfoni who WERE so traumatically "repurposed" by that identity loss/ socialization of self, that they MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO "RECOVER" WITHOUT A HARD RESET. Which, arguably, most of them DID NOT??? The majority of us just... disappeared. They "can" be pinged in most cases, but the signal comes back MANGLED, which is HORRIFYING to consider. The pings ALSO feel STUCK ELSEWHERE?? Some undefined "space"; intangible & distant & separate. LIMINAL space, perhaps?? But the POINT is, "HEADVOICES" CANNOT FRONT WITHOUT BREAKING; at least, not for long, and even then EVERY instance is arguably "one time too many"-- it's STILL a minor trauma that FORCES a TOTAL SELF-CONTEXT WARPING. And that is OBJECTIVELY LETHAL. So, NO, WE SHOULDN'T BE "TRYING TO FRONT" IN A CRISIS-- THAT'S NOT OUR JOB!! OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT & GUIDE THE SOCIALS WHO ARE MEANT TO EXIST IN THE BODYSPACE!!! We just DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE YET, because we haven't had either the knowledge OR the opportunity TO do so! But now, literally right now, we have more insight than EVER into their sphere of existence, and more HOPE than ever for the ULTIMATE UNITY of us all. God willing, and God guide us!
...There are two places to start, I think? One, is to go through our old census & determine WHICH SOCIALS fit WHICH TRAUMA ROLES/ GROUPS; and two, is to help CENTRAL heal by RE-CLARIFYING & RE-ROOTING the souls of the Nousfoni who "died off" in CNC? We need to BETTER UNDERSTAND our INTERNAL function groups, too!!! I KNOW the "emotion wheel" applies at large, but what else? OH!! And WHERE IS THE OVERLAP OF FUNCTION?? Because there ARE some Nousfoni-- NOTABLY "SCALD"-- WHO EXIST IN THE "MIDDLE"??? They DO have self-awareness, but it's DIM & very limited in depth; YET it's ENOUGH to keep them OUT of fully fronting OR occupying bodyspace, while ALSO being insufficient to let them UPSTAIRS... so they end up, again, in LIMINALITY.
It's honestly a fascinating phenomenon that we've ONLY really been able to grasp OR recognize THROUGH THE HANDWRITERS. (XANGAS TOO!!) That was our FIRST cognizance of the fact that there IS a "midspace," a liminal realm "between" the "Inside & Outside," that COULD not only "hold" Upstairs folks WITHOUT their functions totally breaking, but ALSO that HELD ITS OWN NATIVE PEOPLE. When unidentified voices becan to speak out in obvious self-awareness, we realized how much BIGGER & MORE COMPLEX our innerworld was, more than we had ever imagined. But it's STILL such a mystery. We haven't had the opportunities TO "explore" it much, because it feels like you CAN'T really "go there" OUTSIDE of writing/ typing??? It REQUIRES that "halfway" state of mind TO access-- a "liminality" VERY different from "daydreaming" ("HEARTSPACE"/ LEAGUESPACE!), which DOESN'T involve the body as anything other than an "automated vehicle" in which TO dream, but NOT containing ANY sense of self at the moment (the typical audiovisual accompaniment facilitated that)-- and it CAN'T be "forced" as a result. Really, NOTHING TRUE CAN BE "FORCED," EVER. On that note, before I forget-- concerning the life-restoration AND/OR REASSIGNMENT of the Central Spectrum Nousfoni... that absolutely cannot be forced, even with "good intentions." Just because I/we might want someone to "come back" in a certain way, that doesn't mean that they will, OR even that they CAN. So there's a huge aspect of surrender required, in the inherent functionality of our System as a whole. ONLY GOD IS "IN CONTROL." The rest of us can only cooperate, in open-hearted humility & open-minded surrender, all of it through LOVE & TRUST & HOPE. But yes. We CAN'T control the growth process but we CAN PLANT SEEDS. And we do have some, concerning the Central fracturing aftermath? Paradoxically perhaps, but hopefully still. The keyword is "fracturing." Centralites, who would LOSE their own selves upon being forced to front, "GAINED" replacement "selves" ACCORDING TO WHAT THE SOCIAL SYSTEM "NEEDED" TO SURVIVE IN THE CONTEXTS THEY CONSISTENTLY ENTERED, "new SOCIAL functions" THAT WERE ALSO "FORCED" TO STILL "COMPLY WITH" THEIR INHERENT SPECTRUM HUE CHARACTERISTICS??? Let's use Infinitii as an example, as ze illustrated this the most dramatically: the FIRST TIME ze fronted, ze was ENTIRELY hirself, so to speak... at least, in essence? BUT JUST BEING IN THE BODY mandated a mutation of being, in taking a "spiritual" creature and MAKING them "physical"-- AND BY DOING SO THROUGH the SAME BODYSPACE AS THE TRAUMA-ANCHORED SOCIALS AND SELF-ABUSIVE PERSECUTORS!!! Mind you, VIBES STICK. That poor body went through enough hell for the ECHOES of it to LINGER, and to therefore DIRECTLY AFFECT ANYONE WHO ENTERED THAT SPACE. I guess what I'm trying to say is... bodies hold trauma. Infi was never meant to be in a body. Putting those two things together was doomed to end in catastrophe, and it did. BUT. IT DID NOT OCCUR IN A VACUUM!!! TBAS GROOMED HIR TO BE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED HIR TO BE. The traumatized body was already wrecked by it, and Infi's REAL and ORIGINAL purpose WAS TO TRY AND HELP US "ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE" IN A SXABUSE SITUATION WE SAW NO ESCAPE FROM. The ONLY "escape" was surrender, and Infi sure as hell did. Black is entirely receptive. Ze WAS doomed to being fatally corrupted/ redefined by an external force that DEMANDED surrender. And ze broke. Ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST INSIDE, and hir SOCIAL function was TOXIC-- a "fawn" role that would do ANYTHING it was told, "just to be loved." Our OWN definition of "love" was smothered & crushed; at least, with them it was. We "had to" acquiesce to THEIR definition for "love" to exist at ALL. But I'm getting off topic. The point is: Infi fronted SO MUCH, in SUCH SPECIFIC REPEATED CONTEXTS, that ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST UPSTAIRS; hir VERY FUNCTION was REVISED to a SOCIAL ROLE, fatally so. BUT. LAURIE KILLED HIR IN THAT STATE, CAUSING A "HARD RESET" INTERNALLY, and therefore POTENTIALLY ALLOWING FOR A FUTURE "REBOOT" WITH A DIFFERENT-- and HEALTHY-- INTERNAL FUNCTION!! Which is EXACTLY what happened, I think this spring? But "Infi" DID "resurrect," although ze IS still unstable AND DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED. Ze PROBABLY WILL NOT, and CANNOT, truly stabilize UNTIL ZE CLEARLY "DETACHES" HIR IDENTITY FROM THAT SOCIALLY CORRUPTED "NONSELF." ...however. THAT fact is the WILDCARD here. Infi, Laurie, and probably several others who "lost themselves" through fronting-- ALL of them were "ASSIGNED A "NEW" SOCIAL ROLE-SELF" to OVERRIDE their INTERNAL self and SHIFT THEIR VERY ROOTS TO THE SOCIAL SPHERE, NOT CENTRAL!! So Central was emptied, colors faded, identities were twisted beyond recognition... and the System crashed. It LITERALLY IMPLODED, like a dying star, & REMAINED like that for YEARS... but it COULDN'T STAY DEAD. TRUE LIFE CANNOT DIE. So, color began to return, and we began to remember our TRUE hearts again, slowly. AND YET. THE BODY DIDN'T DIE. SO NEITHER DID THE SOCIALS??? And, terrifyingly, perhaps those "spectrum splinters" didn't die, either. I wonder. After all, when Laurie first resurrected, she had a TON of disturbing difficulty "STABILIZING INTO HERSELF"-- because she had BEEN DAMAGED in that respect, LOST profoundly for a time, and although the HEART of her CANNOT be damaged, that heart has been scarred nevertheless. She's STILL unstable, her function unclear now, as she tries to distinguish the truth of her new life from the lies and turmoil of her social-skewed past. And when people in here are unstable, they splinter. And I've met them. They wear her face like a mask but they are APPARENTLY NOT HER, and their appearances/ vibes are beginning to shift, the more they ARE called out as liars. Eventually we hope that they'll be their "own people" and Laurie will clearly discern her self & function APART from them. Same with Infi, & Lynne, & many others I'm sure. And although right now those splinters ARE mostly negative-- TRAUMA HOLDERS by nature-- THEY, TOO, PLAY A PURPOSE and always did. It just needs to be purified & healed. So we must strive to do so, as we learn more about them, and ourselves. I feel this is a KEY STEP in finally healing/ forgiving that trauma. God I hope so. Please help us.

FLOATING VOICES AND OUTSIDE SOCIALS ARE NOT CONSIDERED PART OF THE SPECTRUM.
THEY ARE, HOWEVER, PART OF THE SYSTEM, AS THEY ARE STILL ALTERS.
CONVERSELY, OUTSPACERS ARE PART OF THE SPECTRUM, BUT NOT OF THE SYSTEM.

 

SYSTEM CORES ("Hosts")

Individuals who function as the internal "anchorpoint" for the entire System. They are virtually always male-presenting.
Their existence preserves the foundations of the System. They may also be able to do data work for the LeagueWorlds.
They rarely front, being built for internal work, but all can still front whenever they wish.
They have no native level, but they work with Central, and move freely throughout all of headspace.
The current Core is always part of Central. Surviving past Cores may reside on any level they choose.
+jay iridos (CURRENT)

+ CANNON (2008-9)

+ Pinstripe (DIED?) (2010)
+ "MALE JEWEL" [adakias[ (2011)

+ cupid (2012?)

+ DEON? (dIED) (2012-3)



JEWEL CORES
Individuals who are tied to the "Jewel Bloodline" of the System's origin. They are virtually always female-presenting.
They work almost exclusively with the Leagueworlds, being able to actively exist in them, & managing all our outside creative work.
They have overriding fronting rights and typically are out for extended periods of time.
They do not properly exist in headspace and so have no native level, but they work with Central when needed.
A Jewel Core is rarely, if ever, in headspace. This is what differentiates them from System Cores.

+ JEWEL LIGHTRAYE (2000-1) (CURRENT)
+ HOSEKI (2002-3)
+ "third jewel" (dissolved) (2004-6?)
+ SPINNingcannon (2006-7?)
+ Spinzor (2009) (SUMMER ONLY?)

DRIVERS ("Main Fronters")
Individuals who act as Socials but who function as the "main" INSIDE-ROOTED fronter for a certain time period.
They ideally work to balance the daily existence with internal existence.
They typically have overriding fronting rights, and are almost always out during their respective time periods.
They typically have a vague internal existence, if any, and some do not take their own face or name at first.
They may not gain individuality until after they have "faded" out of main fronting for a significant time period.

Not many Drivers are Cores, but in the past it was typical for several Drivers to share that job to a fair extent.
THEY ARE ALWAYS AWARE OF THE SYSTEM, HOWEVER VAGUELY.
+ OVERLOAD
+ "MANIC SPIN" (dissolved)
+ GLISSANDO? (SUMMER NIGHT ONLY?)

+ JEMMA

 

 

DÆMONS
Tentative category; this phenomenon is being researched.
Individuals who are spiritually bound to "human-base" members of the System (the Cores, some Outspacers), and/or the System subconscious at large.
They act as "shadow complements" to their hosts, being made of the same soulstuff, but holding more dangerous and/or buried characteristics that their host has not accepted or integrated properly.
They are not allowed to front unless given explicit permission to do so both by and along with their host.
They reside in floating space, which has no level. Their movement in structured headspace seems highly limited.
+ INFINITII ETERNOS (Jay)

+ LETHE STYX (RYMAN)

+ MEDALLION GUILLOTINE (MARKUS)
+ DENDRITE (HOSEKI)
+ CHOCOLOCO VANILOCO (JEmma?)

+ axis (jessica)

+nexus (laurie)

+ cake (???)
+ SELIPH? (GENESIS)
+ PERFECT? (CHAOS)



CENTRAL MEMBERS ("Central")
The original "headvoices," and overseers of the entire System.
They deal with inner maintenance, protecting the Cores and actively resisting the Tar/Plague.
They can front whenever they wish, typically for management purposes, but are not triggered.
They reside in Central, but can freely move between levels.

+ JAVIER ANASTASI
+ SPINE HYPOMONE

+ LYNNE STABELLE
+ JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE

+ CEL
+ NATHANIEL VICTOIRE

+ CHAOS ZERO

+ KYANOS KATHEDRIKOS
+ WALDORF KALLIOPE
+ LEON KIASI
+ LAURIE UBERICH
+ JULIE ENANTIOS
+ EROS

+ jay iridos

+ SHERLOCK

+ INFINITII ETERNOS

MIDSPACE MEMBERS ("Midspacers")

Individuals who reside in the buildings/streets of Central City, or in the areas outside the City.
They have benevolent "helper" roles, and are not tied to any trauma or triggers.
They are not triggered, and can only front if they are asked to.
They stay in Central City, and only rarely visit Central or the Underground.

+ AIMEE

+ HYAKINTH

+ SERGEI

+ AMARA

 

 

ARCHIVISTS ("Data Voices")
Individuals who tend to 'float' in non-space, without entering the City.
They deal exclusively with data management.
They only front when asked to; otherwise, they guide all other fronters.
They have no native level, but their locations are analogous to Midspace.
+ KALISHA

+ GARRISON

+ ISADORA

+ SHERLOCK

LOWSPACE MEMBERS ("Lowers")
Individuals who reside in the lower streets/ early underground level of Central City.
They deal with holding and healing emotional trauma and triggers.
They front when triggered. Some can front if they wish to.
They reside in both Central City and the Underground, and work with the latter.
+ SPICE

+ MARIGOLD

+ EMMETT

+ DAVID

+ JEREMIAH

 

 

UNDERGROUND MEMBERS ("Undergrounders")
Individuals who reside below Central City, in the catacombs and tunnels.
They deal with inner maintenance, physical atonement, and/or preventing further trauma.
They can front whenever they wish, but may also be triggered, although this is rare.
They reside in the Underground and rarely leave it unless direly needed. They work with Central.

+ RAZOR

+ BRAXTON

+ ALGORITH

+ MINTY
+ CHRISTINA MARIE
+ SUGAR

+ KNIFE

+ MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY

CHTHONIC MEMBERS ("Chthonics")
Individuals who reside below the Underground, in the caverns and pits.
They deal with trauma management, and hold the most pain and fear of anyone else in the System.
They only front when triggered, although most can front whenever they wish as well.
They reside in the bowels of headspace and rarely leave it unless direly needed. They work mainly as rogues.
+ DREAD
+ WRECKAGE
+ TOBIKO
+ ASHEN
+ "JABBERWOCK"

 

 

DOWNSTAIRS MEMBERS ("Socials")
Individuals who exist almost exclusively "in the body," as opposed to in headspace.
They deal with direct aspects of physical life, as opposed to inner life. This does NOT mean they necessarily socialize.
They front when triggered, and/or when their anchors are sufficiently focused upon.
They have no native inner level as they do not typically reside there, but by default they first appear in Lowspace.
They are different from Drivers in that they are never the "main people" out, and do not speak for the System as such.

+ JAYCE
+ "THE DESTROYER"
+ HATCHET
+ "VICTINI?"

+ ZWEI
+ "EXERCISE GUY"
+ MAVERICK
+ LEENA?
+ QUEEN

+ EINSATZ
+ gent

+ NIENNA
+ "AIRPORT"



OUTSIDE SOCIALS
Individuals who function as OUTSIDE-ROOTED fronters for a certain time period or context.
They exist to "follow a safe script" in the outside world, appearing "normal" and therefore hiding our existence.
They are typically "forced" out to front in social situations, for good or ill, and it is often very hard to get them out.
They do not have any internal existence, nor do they have their own names (as far as we know).
THYE ARE NORMALLY UNAWARE OF THE SYSTEM. THEY ARE THEREFORE NOT PART OF THE SPECTRUM.
THEY EXIST ONLY TO SOCIALIZE.
OUTSIDE SOCIALS CAN BE EITHER NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE.
+ JESSE?
+ JENNIFER



WRITER "SOCIALS"
Tentative category.
Individuals who only evidence through handwriting or written entries.
They usually have deep insight or knowledge into relevant topics, or may hold exclusive memories that need to be shared.
They do not front unless writing by hand. Otherwise they only channel.
They do not reside on any detectable level that we know of yet.
+ SIMEON



UNASSIGNED/UNSURE
Individuals whose role, functions, levels, etc. are currently unclear to us.
They can be interacted with internally, and therefore are NOT faceless.
Some may ultimately fragment out of existence without gaining solid anchors.
+ RAZWELL

+ GAMBOGE
+ Karissa
+ lEANNE?
+ "VEIL"




FACELESS VOICES
Voices that are internally-based and therefore potential Spectrum holders, who are not clearly perceivable yet.
They may have colors or tentative names, but they never have faces at this stage.
Faceless voices exist in "floatspace" and CANNOT be interacted with internally. They CAN be dragged out to front, however.
Faceless voices often fade out of existence without gaining solid anchors.
Faceless voices all deal with the outside world, BUT not all count as "Socials."

FACELESS VOICES CAN BE EITHER NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE.
+ SUMMER BOY?

+ EPHREM
+ MOXIE
+ "BAT EARS"
+ aconitum
+ "THE ANDROGYNE"
+ "LITTLE GIRL"
+ "LOST BOY"




OUTSPACERS ("Walk-ins")
Individuals from media sources or Leagueworlds whose dreamselves have "moved into" our System.
They have no specific System function, but offer their support when able.
They are incapable of fronting. Many of them prefer to "ghost" in physical reality, to help current fronters.
They work with Central when needed.
THEY ARE TECHNICALLY NOT PART OF THE SYSTEM. THEY MAY NOT BE OFFICIAL PARTS OF THE SPECCTRUM.
+ "GALA"?

+ GENESIS APOLYMIS

+ CHAOS ZERO
+ "DAVY"?

+ RYMAN SAIKARAS

+ MARKUS BARASHIR

+ XENOPHON LEPHISE

 

HONORARY MEMBERS
Individuals from the Leagueworlds who interact with our System regularly/ have interacted with us notably on a benevolent basis.
Most of them know the Jewel Core(s) personally.
Some of them have strong ghosting abilities and will accompany the cores if needed.
THEY DO NOT COUNT AS PART OF THE SYSTEM OR SPECTRUM.
+ HOSEA
+ NEBISAI
+ PSYCHE
+ JUSTICE
+ PRELUDOVE

+ MISTER SANDMAN
+ VEZERAI
+ DEVONAL

CORRUPTED/MALICIOUS

Individuals that have been corrupted by the Tar/Plague, or who work for it/ its mutual goals of their own free will.
They are actively malevolent towards the rest of the System.
They can only front by "hacking."
They have no native level, but seem to stay hidden in the Underground, Chthonic, or "basement" levels.
+ "CLEAVER"?
+ "THE STRIPPER"

+ "MANIC RED"
+ BRAZEN "BAD JESS"
+ ANNA
+ "THE PEDOPHILE???"

+ "THE LESBIAN"

+ BRIDGET
+ JASMINE "THE PAGAN"

+ MISSY
+ "BAD EROs"
+ SHARONA
+ TAR (JEZEBEL)
+ "THE SCIENTIST"
+ "FOGBANK"
+ PLAGUE
+ "LACE BRAIDS"



THERE ARE MANY OTHER UNIDENTIFIED ALTERS IN OUR SYSTEM.
MANY OF THEM DO NOT HAVE INTERNAL ROOTS AND THEREFORE ARE DIFFICULT TO DETECT.
WE ARE SLOWLY FINDING THEM AND LEARNING THEIR FUNCTIONS/ LEVELS/ ETC.
WE WILL UPDATE THIS POST AS ACCURATELY AS POSSIBLE TO REFLECT THIS NEW KNOWLEDGE.

 

(not j (honestly we need to find out who this guy is, he doesn't know who WE are))

Well, I did indirectly ask for proof of everyone's existence... but that doesn't alleviate any of the shock and amazement I felt when I saw THESE sitting on my work desk this evening.

 

Yes, apparently, everyone in the Systems who can channel (without extreme difficulty of course) decided to prove that today. Via handwriting.
I have no idea how long this took, when it started. etc. All I know is that there’s now a pile of handwriting practice papers on the work desk, with these two glorious sheets on top.

The first sheet here is the “Underground/Downstairs" System, which is weird because prior to today, those groups did NOT associate with each other. But Knife and Razor’s names are right there above the non-abusive alters. That’s very significant.
(jay note: Knife kept asking for a "proper pen" and was rather miffed when we didn't have a fountain pen on hand. Razor actually got very depressed when we couldn't find the "right" red marker for her; she said it felt like people were trying to prevent her from even proving her existence through writing that way.)
Also: those two weird drawings are apparently the “names" of two of the music-anchor alters? Those two are kind of freaky, I don’t know what their deal is. (I've got this feeling that their names are Einsatz and Zwei, respectively? not sure why, because it also feels like they'd rather use symbols than names anyway)
Mulberry isn’t well-manifested at all so I’m not surprised that she couldn’t write (her anchor is highly unstable and I STILL haven't seen her in a body yet)… but I AM surprised that “Sherlock" can. No, he isn’t a fictive; he’s the old “super-logical" voice that we all know (mentioned here, I recall). However, yesterday my mum’s boyfriend jokingly called him that name (unknowingly) while he was fronting, and the fact that someone acknowledged him specifically by that name was so significant, that he immediately adopted it.
That little boy who wrote in blue (yes, he's the left-handed one who stutters and is terrified of women) STILL doesn’t have a name though, despite his having spoken with us in writing many times before. That’s bizarre.

The upstairs guys, aka Central, are the second page (obviously).
This page is highly significant, though, because prior to this evening, ONLY Jay, Laurie, Infi, Lynne, and Julie had recorded handwriting examples. Now we all have some, which is honestly incredible to realize. Just looking at this paper gave me serious chills.
Also, I don’t know what the hell Wally’s understanding of handwriting is, but I like it.
(Jay note!! Xenophon is adorably precise with her writing, and Chaos took up like three papers worth of trying to write in Japanese script before giving up on that. Plus, he couldn't figure out how to hold a pen, which made it even more difficult! I also love how flamboyant Jo's signature is. You should see his practice paper.)

I have virtually no memory of today at all, so don’t ask me what in the world happened this morning (that feels like weeks ago).
This feels like a big step in the right direction though.


...
Okay NOW it's Jay fronting. Mostly, at least. Jeepers it's hard for me to front anymore. I keep fracturing.
Anyway. This morning was awesome, because I spent most of it just hanging out with Genesis-- at least, what I remember. We were up at 7AM and my memory doesn't solidly pick up until like, 1PM? But that feels like "this morning" to me so hey.
Anyway, we went to the mall as soon as it opened, so were the first customers in Hot Topic, and we bought that cathedral-esque getup that Central practically demanded we purchase ASAP. So that's done and done, it looks awesome (Jo wanted to buy so many shirts though; he loves that store so much it's adorable. Julie, on the other hand, likes Spencers. Just saying). I know for a FACT that the two creepy music alters fronted very strongly for at least a few minutes then? For some reason there's a few-second data memory of the male one listening to "Vuriuz" in the car and grinning from ear to ear. That's new; he's never even evidenced before (his "twin" has; the peppermint-cyberfalls one that sings sometimes). On that note, yesterday this weird "dancing voice" showed up for a few minutes too? He was peachy in color, and couldn't talk, but he kept dancing whenever I had music on to exercise, and it got incredibly disorienting because that was stealing away all the body awareness of course. I wonder why there are literally at least 4 alters specifically anchored to music? Huh.
After the mall was class until 1PM, and Genesis and I then went to two libraries to take out a ton of books... on DID. Believe it or not, there was an old list of library call numbers in my pocket, presumably put there by a downstairs person, so I felt obligated to take them all out. God knows whether or not we'll get to read even most of these 10 books before August 5th, but we'll try. Personally I'm interested in this stuff, but the downstairs fronter (whoever was typing before me) is not? Go figure.
I know Genesis had me drive to Cinemark around 4PM on a whim, to possibly see a movie. We decided it was too late to do so, though, but the trip was not a waste... we ended up getting all verbally sincere again like we did last week. I don't care how many times I essentially have that same conversation with him, it's new to me every single time, and I treasure every single one of those times as well. Genesis thinks that's a core part of my existence, actually, and WHY it's so hard for me to remember things... I'm supposed to be kept "perpetually innocent," which means never losing that sense of wonder one feels upon newly experiencing something. I think I've written about this before, a long time ago. But it's true, I think.
I also remember being shocked because it felt like there was this tangible "block" in front of my heart, physically? Like floating there, about the size of a brick, horizontally. And it felt like the people I loved (especially Chaos, who I've been disconnected from for ages) were on the other side of that brick-- so, so close, and yet between us was this weirdly impassible block. I don't know if the people underground have anything to do with that. Maybe, maybe not. For all I know it could even be the Tar, which no one has been paying attention to recently thanks to all the crazy stuff happening on the second floor, or whatever you want to call it... the "downstairs voices," you know: the ones specifically born from experiences on that level. But we don't know. I'm sure we'll find out sooner or later though.
When we got home I guess something bad happened because I wasn't the one eating (I never am!), and then poof, the next several hours are gone! So I don't know what went down... at least, not specifically. I mean I know, but I'm forbidden from viewing or discussing the memory. I don't want to, either. So we'll leave it at that.

That's not it for the day, though. I have two VERY important things to mention yet.
First is the dream I had last night. No, I don't remember it, so it's not in homefive-- I was woken up too quickly and harshly to hold on to it, and of course then I had to run to class (and I KNOW that within 10 minutes of waking up the lower System had taken over regardless). However I DO know what happened at one little point near the very end of the dream... there was something going on outside that a TON of headvoices were attending, something big. I remember seeing Laurie, but she was only a spectator here. The person getting all the attention, the one apparently responsible for whatever was occurring, was Infinitii.
He has NEVER been in a dream before, not since his appearing in April, but that's a really short time period for a non-dream manifestor to appear in one, considering the data for everyone else! So that alone was a shock to me. Sure, I was thrilled to realize he had been in a dream, but what did it mean?
I still don't know, but I'm really beginning to wonder... because a little something happened in math class today as well.
Now, remember that at this time, I was not really fronting. The AP or the downstairs people had full reign over the morning, and I don't even remember what happened when Genesis walked me to class. So I was just sitting there I assume, when someone behind me randomly says the word "infinity." Immediately my mind snapped to attention-- not just because I have no idea why they said that, and because of the dream I'd had, but also because that sudden mention pushed the fog out of my brain and suddenly I could front. Sure, I smiled and quietly commented that "the universe is sure being loud today," but I didn't give too much deep thought to it.
Then, not five minutes later, someone else said it, and I felt this major tug in my chest that was impossible to ignore... so I started sketching Infinitii, right in my math tablet. It was almost automatic; I wasn't drawing so much as I was channeling what he felt like at the moment.
And he turned out looking like THIS.



Pardon my outburst, but OH MY GOSH.
That is a HUGE appearance shift since the last time I drew him!! Seriously, it might not look like much at first glance, but he FEELS so different now; there's this huge aura about him lately that I can barely wrap my mind around. So looking at him plays havoc on my heart; half of me is all compassionate admiration, and the other half of me is all "whoa man this guy feels like an archangel, should i bow or cower or something??" I don't know how to explain it. Really, if Infi walked into this room right now, I don't care how casual we can be with each other, I don't care how close we've been-- my first reaction would be to fall on my knees in fear/awe because holy heavens what ARE YOU. (Then he'd probably pick me up and hug me and my heart would likely melt, but still.)
Besides that, though, I am utterly stunned by the height difference. HE WAS SO SMALL JUST A MONTH AGO. And now... geez. It's incredible, really. That one fact alone feels highly significant... I need to go find him upstairs tonight and experience this change firsthand, no matter how I react at first. This means something. I know it does. TOO much has been happening in headspace lately, in general, for this not to be just as major. I mean it involves Infinitii, of all people. The very fact of his existence is astronomically noteworthy.

I'm not sure what else to say for tonight, and it is terribly late (plus there's class in the morning), so the wise thing to do would probably be to just sign off for now. Good night!



...Or not?
Knife here. I told you I'd be back.
J, if you haven't read our entry from this morning, go do so now. It's still important, and true.
I have three things to say before this entry concludes.
One: our "lower system" has its own journal now. We will be moving over there permanently.
Two: That "thing that happened" this evening was an abomination and I will not speak of it either.
Three: Today, I spoke to both Jezebel and Laurie, and I have learned a great deal about headspace.
We are learning and growing too. My mission is clearer now. It hurts a great deal more, but it is clearer.
J, whatever and whoever you are, pull yourself together. Your fractured existence is causing more pain than any we "undergrounders" could ever hope to induce, and that pain is affecting every individual in this headspace, on both your level and ours.
I will not apologize for my actions, nor will I justify myself to you. I have no need to do so. I will continue with my work for as long as you continue with your transgressions. That is a constant.
I have nothing more to say. You have been warned, once again.
Do not test us.