prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with nousfoni resurrection

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel.
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)

+ We had a LEGIT TRAUMA SHUTDOWN last night, which was very disturbing because WE COULDN'T "OVERRIDE" IT TO FRONT. The body was designated SO UNSAFE that EVERYONE WAS LOCKED OUT-- that is, notably, EXCEPT ANY VIOLENT PROTECTOR. Shockingly, WRECKAGE could get halfway in, as could our favorite "angry writer" (we THINK?)-- who STILL doesn't have a name OR clear color (they MIGHT be dark vermilion?? in any case they're NOT RED, not even Blood; their vibes are VERY specific and DON'T match hers!!)-- but THAT'S IT. Julie tried, Infi tried, Scalpel tried, Sugar tried, Knife tried, RAZOR tried, LAURIE tried-- but ALL of them either had "inapplicable" functions OR functions that were incompatible with the perceived DANGER and "REQUIRED" behavior/ lack thereof? Retributors ARE strong & crisis-anchored, BUT they CAN'T & AREN'T BUILT TO do anything in a "FREEZE" SITUATION!! The ONLY reason why WRECKAGE & "SCALD" COULD, is because the body is frozen to SURVIVE A PROLONGED THREAT, BUT if that threat becomes an IMMINENT DANGER-- especially directly-- WE NEED TO THEN FIGHT TO SURVIVE!!! And THOSE Nousfoni MUST THEREFORE BE SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE. After literally dying from it in CNC, LAURIE IS NOT. She's actually FORBIDDEN from publically fronting SO HER TRUE FUNCTION WILL BE PROTECTED & PRESERVED. She's MEANT TO BE INTERNAL; ALL HER POWER IS ALSO INTERNAL! She fights NONPHYSICAL threats. ON THE OTHER HAND, WRECKAGE EXISTS TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN, who historically and notably are threatened by OUTSIDE ABUSE!!! So she CAN get a foothold, however clumsily, EVEN if we're frozen, SOLELY BECAUSE WE ARE IN PERCEIVED DANGER AND MIGHT QUICKLY NEED TO JUMP INTO ACTION TO "SURVIVE" THAT DANGER.
HOWEVER. There's ANOTHER distinction. WRECKAGE STILL ISN'T A SOCIAL!!!! Her true roots are INTERNAL! She DID originally manifest OUTSIDE, BUT since the CHILDREN would not/ could not front, she ANCHORED INSIDE, to primarily PROTECT THEIR SELVES, but STILL ABLE & READY TO FRONT IF NEEDED-- a very unique case, since she IS ACTUALLY NOT MEANT FOR VIOLENCE. She would NEVER "attack" while in the body-- it wouldn't have affected the INTERNALLY BASED ABUSERS anyway. THAT'S why the RETRIBUTORS exist!! AND EVEN THEY were SHIFTED INSIDE when their external function got TOO DEEP in terms of SELFHOOD for them to remain a SELF-LIMITED SOCIAL. Ironically, that constrained & "shallow" sense of self IS WHAT ALLOWS SOCIALS TO BE "SOCIAL"!! They would NOT BE ABLE TO EXIST IN THE BODY IF THEY HAD THEIR OWN SELF-IMAGE & AWARENESS? THAT is why it is SO HARD to reach them or talk to them-- typically, their very awareness of "selfhood" is minimized, so they CAN switch at hyperspeeds AND not experience body dysphoria/ dissonance in the process: THE MAIN PURPOSE OF A SOCIAL IS TO "SOCIALIZE"-- TO EXIST IN THE BODY AS A CONTEXTUALLY CONSTRAINED "PERSONA," IN ORDER FOR US TO SURVIVE THAT CONTEXT. That INCLUDES Socials who exist to CHANGE or ESCAPE that context, if/ when it is deemed intolerable/ dangerous enough to require such active interference. So that includes BOTH the scared AND the scary.
ACTUALLY... thinking about it, I wonder if ALL SOCIALS TRULY ADHERE TO TRAUMA MECHANICS??? As in the triangle of VICTIM/ PERSECUTOR/ RESCUER, AND/OR the CPTSD "STRESS RESPONSE" SQUAD: FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN. Because it REALLY SEEMS APPLICABLE and it would make A LOT OF SENSE!!! It would ALSO FINALLY give us a way of understanding AND categorizing AND possibly even IDENTIFYING the Socials at large, who have been a frustrating enigma for YEARS, preventing UNITY between System levels & seriously affecting our ability to function at ALL, let alone as a WHOLE. Socials almost ALWAYS bring along DISSOCIATIVE EPISODES, either BY their fronting OR as the CAUSE/ TRIGGER FOR their fronting! Arguably, dissociation "STOPS" when they LEAVE??? Because trauma triggers-- although they DO force out Socials to cope physically, ALSO "wake up" the SPECTRUM, the "internal" nousfoni who MANAGE the CPTSD ITSELF. When the social situation is finally deemed "safe enough" TO allow ACTUAL THOUGHT & SELFAWARENESS, the "UPSTAIRS" folks IMMEDIATELY jump into action... INSIDE!!! Because THAT'S OUR JOB!!! And THAT'S why CNC was LETHAL-- it LITERALLY UPROOTED THE UPSTAIRS, dragging it into the SELF-SUPPRESSING SOCIAL REALM, and through that FORCED "REDEFINEMENT" OF FUNCTION-- MANDATED BY THE LEVEL SHIFT-- it ALL BUT MASSACRED CENTRAL. THAT'S ALSO WHY "CENTRAL" STILL HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO RECOVER-- the nousfoni who WERE so traumatically "repurposed" by that identity loss/ socialization of self, that they MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO "RECOVER" WITHOUT A HARD RESET. Which, arguably, most of them DID NOT??? The majority of us just... disappeared. They "can" be pinged in most cases, but the signal comes back MANGLED, which is HORRIFYING to consider. The pings ALSO feel STUCK ELSEWHERE?? Some undefined "space"; intangible & distant & separate. LIMINAL space, perhaps?? But the POINT is, "HEADVOICES" CANNOT FRONT WITHOUT BREAKING; at least, not for long, and even then EVERY instance is arguably "one time too many"-- it's STILL a minor trauma that FORCES a TOTAL SELF-CONTEXT WARPING. And that is OBJECTIVELY LETHAL. So, NO, WE SHOULDN'T BE "TRYING TO FRONT" IN A CRISIS-- THAT'S NOT OUR JOB!! OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT & GUIDE THE SOCIALS WHO ARE MEANT TO EXIST IN THE BODYSPACE!!! We just DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE YET, because we haven't had either the knowledge OR the opportunity TO do so! But now, literally right now, we have more insight than EVER into their sphere of existence, and more HOPE than ever for the ULTIMATE UNITY of us all. God willing, and God guide us!
...There are two places to start, I think? One, is to go through our old census & determine WHICH SOCIALS fit WHICH TRAUMA ROLES/ GROUPS; and two, is to help CENTRAL heal by RE-CLARIFYING & RE-ROOTING the souls of the Nousfoni who "died off" in CNC? We need to BETTER UNDERSTAND our INTERNAL function groups, too!!! I KNOW the "emotion wheel" applies at large, but what else? OH!! And WHERE IS THE OVERLAP OF FUNCTION?? Because there ARE some Nousfoni-- NOTABLY "SCALD"-- WHO EXIST IN THE "MIDDLE"??? They DO have self-awareness, but it's DIM & very limited in depth; YET it's ENOUGH to keep them OUT of fully fronting OR occupying bodyspace, while ALSO being insufficient to let them UPSTAIRS... so they end up, again, in LIMINALITY.
It's honestly a fascinating phenomenon that we've ONLY really been able to grasp OR recognize THROUGH THE HANDWRITERS. (XANGAS TOO!!) That was our FIRST cognizance of the fact that there IS a "midspace," a liminal realm "between" the "Inside & Outside," that COULD not only "hold" Upstairs folks WITHOUT their functions totally breaking, but ALSO that HELD ITS OWN NATIVE PEOPLE. When unidentified voices becan to speak out in obvious self-awareness, we realized how much BIGGER & MORE COMPLEX our innerworld was, more than we had ever imagined. But it's STILL such a mystery. We haven't had the opportunities TO "explore" it much, because it feels like you CAN'T really "go there" OUTSIDE of writing/ typing??? It REQUIRES that "halfway" state of mind TO access-- a "liminality" VERY different from "daydreaming" ("HEARTSPACE"/ LEAGUESPACE!), which DOESN'T involve the body as anything other than an "automated vehicle" in which TO dream, but NOT containing ANY sense of self at the moment (the typical audiovisual accompaniment facilitated that)-- and it CAN'T be "forced" as a result. Really, NOTHING TRUE CAN BE "FORCED," EVER. On that note, before I forget-- concerning the life-restoration AND/OR REASSIGNMENT of the Central Spectrum Nousfoni... that absolutely cannot be forced, even with "good intentions." Just because I/we might want someone to "come back" in a certain way, that doesn't mean that they will, OR even that they CAN. So there's a huge aspect of surrender required, in the inherent functionality of our System as a whole. ONLY GOD IS "IN CONTROL." The rest of us can only cooperate, in open-hearted humility & open-minded surrender, all of it through LOVE & TRUST & HOPE. But yes. We CAN'T control the growth process but we CAN PLANT SEEDS. And we do have some, concerning the Central fracturing aftermath? Paradoxically perhaps, but hopefully still. The keyword is "fracturing." Centralites, who would LOSE their own selves upon being forced to front, "GAINED" replacement "selves" ACCORDING TO WHAT THE SOCIAL SYSTEM "NEEDED" TO SURVIVE IN THE CONTEXTS THEY CONSISTENTLY ENTERED, "new SOCIAL functions" THAT WERE ALSO "FORCED" TO STILL "COMPLY WITH" THEIR INHERENT SPECTRUM HUE CHARACTERISTICS??? Let's use Infinitii as an example, as ze illustrated this the most dramatically: the FIRST TIME ze fronted, ze was ENTIRELY hirself, so to speak... at least, in essence? BUT JUST BEING IN THE BODY mandated a mutation of being, in taking a "spiritual" creature and MAKING them "physical"-- AND BY DOING SO THROUGH the SAME BODYSPACE AS THE TRAUMA-ANCHORED SOCIALS AND SELF-ABUSIVE PERSECUTORS!!! Mind you, VIBES STICK. That poor body went through enough hell for the ECHOES of it to LINGER, and to therefore DIRECTLY AFFECT ANYONE WHO ENTERED THAT SPACE. I guess what I'm trying to say is... bodies hold trauma. Infi was never meant to be in a body. Putting those two things together was doomed to end in catastrophe, and it did. BUT. IT DID NOT OCCUR IN A VACUUM!!! TBAS GROOMED HIR TO BE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED HIR TO BE. The traumatized body was already wrecked by it, and Infi's REAL and ORIGINAL purpose WAS TO TRY AND HELP US "ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE" IN A SXABUSE SITUATION WE SAW NO ESCAPE FROM. The ONLY "escape" was surrender, and Infi sure as hell did. Black is entirely receptive. Ze WAS doomed to being fatally corrupted/ redefined by an external force that DEMANDED surrender. And ze broke. Ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST INSIDE, and hir SOCIAL function was TOXIC-- a "fawn" role that would do ANYTHING it was told, "just to be loved." Our OWN definition of "love" was smothered & crushed; at least, with them it was. We "had to" acquiesce to THEIR definition for "love" to exist at ALL. But I'm getting off topic. The point is: Infi fronted SO MUCH, in SUCH SPECIFIC REPEATED CONTEXTS, that ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST UPSTAIRS; hir VERY FUNCTION was REVISED to a SOCIAL ROLE, fatally so. BUT. LAURIE KILLED HIR IN THAT STATE, CAUSING A "HARD RESET" INTERNALLY, and therefore POTENTIALLY ALLOWING FOR A FUTURE "REBOOT" WITH A DIFFERENT-- and HEALTHY-- INTERNAL FUNCTION!! Which is EXACTLY what happened, I think this spring? But "Infi" DID "resurrect," although ze IS still unstable AND DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED. Ze PROBABLY WILL NOT, and CANNOT, truly stabilize UNTIL ZE CLEARLY "DETACHES" HIR IDENTITY FROM THAT SOCIALLY CORRUPTED "NONSELF." ...however. THAT fact is the WILDCARD here. Infi, Laurie, and probably several others who "lost themselves" through fronting-- ALL of them were "ASSIGNED A "NEW" SOCIAL ROLE-SELF" to OVERRIDE their INTERNAL self and SHIFT THEIR VERY ROOTS TO THE SOCIAL SPHERE, NOT CENTRAL!! So Central was emptied, colors faded, identities were twisted beyond recognition... and the System crashed. It LITERALLY IMPLODED, like a dying star, & REMAINED like that for YEARS... but it COULDN'T STAY DEAD. TRUE LIFE CANNOT DIE. So, color began to return, and we began to remember our TRUE hearts again, slowly. AND YET. THE BODY DIDN'T DIE. SO NEITHER DID THE SOCIALS??? And, terrifyingly, perhaps those "spectrum splinters" didn't die, either. I wonder. After all, when Laurie first resurrected, she had a TON of disturbing difficulty "STABILIZING INTO HERSELF"-- because she had BEEN DAMAGED in that respect, LOST profoundly for a time, and although the HEART of her CANNOT be damaged, that heart has been scarred nevertheless. She's STILL unstable, her function unclear now, as she tries to distinguish the truth of her new life from the lies and turmoil of her social-skewed past. And when people in here are unstable, they splinter. And I've met them. They wear her face like a mask but they are APPARENTLY NOT HER, and their appearances/ vibes are beginning to shift, the more they ARE called out as liars. Eventually we hope that they'll be their "own people" and Laurie will clearly discern her self & function APART from them. Same with Infi, & Lynne, & many others I'm sure. And although right now those splinters ARE mostly negative-- TRAUMA HOLDERS by nature-- THEY, TOO, PLAY A PURPOSE and always did. It just needs to be purified & healed. So we must strive to do so, as we learn more about them, and ourselves. I feel this is a KEY STEP in finally healing/ forgiving that trauma. God I hope so. Please help us.

I've made up my mind.
I'm not going to the inpatient facility.
I thought about it. We thought about it. Ultimately there are several factors influencing our decision, most of which others would not consider noteworthy, or relevant.
First are the most basic things: atmosphere, and water. When we were hospitalized in 2011, we became very dehydrated, because we refused to drink anything unless absolutely necessary for five straight days. We did not take showers, we barely brushed our teeth. Yes we were a mess, but we do not trust city water. Secondly, dietary restrictions. We will not eat meat, or processed food, or substances with unnatural ingredients. After looking into the eating disorder" program at the hospital we were to attend, I can say with surety that it is NOT an environment we would want to be in. Thirdly, on that note-- the atmosphere is hugely important. We have problems even walking through grocery stores because of the collective vibration in some of them; it's overwhelming. Nothing bad to say about the people, but it's the amount. Now with this hospital place, a center for trauma disorders, something tells me the atmosphere will not be very nice, and will likely make our most sensitive members ill (Jay I am looking at you!!). Yeah, we could go there to "bring good vibes," but that's a little difficult when the entire mindset of the place seems to be "focus on the PAST!" Uh, guys, that's over with? That's why it's called the past, duh.
But to be honest, that's a concern we can handle on our own VERY well. Yes, the things we still struggle with now are rooted in the past-- triggers, intrusive thoughts, the whole package. But guess what? We KNOW it's from the past so we don't give it ANY CREDIT. Yes we acknowledge it, yes we treat it as important information, but that's it! "Oh, I'm having a negative reaction, let's feel why that is and heal it." Then we just LET GO OF IT. There's no need to perpetually focus on that stuff for two weeks! Geez!
And personally, I don't like the fact that I think they have "art therapy" there. Uh… guys… for us, art is supposed to be separate from this stuff. It's pure and joyful and creative. THAT'S WHY I DO IT. And guess what? I'M NOT TIED TO "TRAUMA." Even better, I think NO ONE IS anymore!! We had that crazy bluescreen-of-death thing on December 27th-- well, it was more like "everybody died because two girls don't know how to forgive and see straight" but hey-- and since then our TOTAL FUNCTION IS DIFFERENT. We are literally NOT the same people we were when we signed up for this!! At ALL! And people don't seem to understand that yes, things CAN change that fast, we've had that proven to us a LOT over the past two years… miracles DO happen and we are living PROOF of that.
So yeah. Not going, because NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE. Plus people are saying it "looks just like CMC" which no one liked apparently, because it felt too constrictive? Like I know our guys do their best work ALONE, in quiet, with HOURS to just use talking to each other. And we make mad progress, guys, we really do. It's nuts! Look at how far everything has grown in TWELVE MONTHS. Sheesh! Whoever says we haven't healed is not looking at the right picture. They're looking at the PAST. We are not the same people we even were yesterday, geez guys, does ANYONE else think like us??
Anyway. This hospital thing… as for why we wanted to go in the first place, it really had nothing to do with healing, because we don't need it to do that and never did. Jay realized the truth earlier, he was crying over it actually, but from love, not sorrow, at least not entirely. He loves us. And the only reason he wanted to go to this "trauma disorders" program was because there, other people would acknowledge us. That is the ONLY REASON HE WANTED TO GO, was so that he could be around people who treated us as people too. That's it. And that's sad, really.
But no. Trauma treatment… not for us. You say "Julie days" to us now and we just tilt our heads, huh? You say "Julie was abusive once" and we laugh, say "yeah there is data that says that, but why care about that now? It's OVER!"
However I guess that's not entirely smart? There MAY still be lingering stuff from those days. Like why the triggers still happen with even vaguely sexual stuff. But that's known to be harmless now. The threat is INSIDE, not out. It's all just hardwired abusive stuff that we CAN heal, I mean holy GEEZ, have you SEEN what Infi has accomplished alone?? Like, ONLY him, over the past 9 months? NINE MONTHS. THAT’S IT. AND HE COMPLETELY HEALED THAT MINDSET.
So yeah. That's BIG. And we DIDN'T NEED THERAPY FOR IT.
Agh I'm just repeating ourself. No hospitalization. Don’t need it. Why give up all creativity and joy for two weeks, just to talk about how much we've fixed already over and over, when we can do that AMONGST OURSELVES and get EVEN FARTHER because we DON'T HAVE TO FIT SOMEONE ELSE'S PROGRAM IN THE PROCESS??
Sorry I'm capitalizing! I'm NOT angry, I just capitalize a lot because it's NOTICEABLE and when I say something IMPORTANT it gets BIG LETTERS. Haha! It's like a comic book. Think of it that way!!

That's it though. It's 11:20 PM, I miiight play a little more Pokémon before I go to bed (Jay's Honedge evolved and he's squeeing over it, it is so funny), OR I miiiiight work on Hokthai some more, that's right it's ROBOT RESEARCH DAY, because yesterday we were on such an animation high (we saw Frozen and it was GREAT) that somehow we decided to re-watch a bunch of clips from The Brave Little Toaster (one of our FAVORITE cartoons EVER, I am GONNA watch the sequels like ASAP), and then I got all "well hey this whole 'do machines have souls' thing reminds me a LOT of a certain story I'm writing…" and so boom now it's disco-dancing robot time. Also I get to read the Bible again, YEAH, let's get all pumped about religious studies. AGAIN! FUN TIMES is what it is. Really!! But there is SO MUCH RESEARCH uuuuugh I should have Jay do it. UGH. It's so technical. But maybe that's the problem?? Like it's so TIRING I wonder do we even need to think about this so much?? That's been holding us back on SO many projects you don't even KNOW… and hey, that could be our problem with Headspace, too!!

Oh. Yeah. About that. BIG good news that I TOTALLY forgot to mention earlier.
You know how everybody died last Friday? And then they got reincarnated and all outside of Headspace since Headspace totally died and it's literally a mess for good right now? Well… Jay said when he first saw they came back, everyone was wearing white, with their colors added… and then the location he would speak to them in was totally different, space-wise, body-wise. We're all heartvoices now, which is what only Infi and Jay were originally, but now it's everybody. Everybody except the bad ones, obviously! So that makes it a LOT easier to deal with things.
Jay says not everybody is back yet though… some people are asleep? And some people may have moved out of the headspace thing ENTIRELY? Like I know people were trying to move into the League Worlds for YEARS so maybe that happened?? I dunno, but it's SUPER COOL and I am REALLY excited to see how this all plays out if our universe-world-thingies are finally working together IN A NICE WAY. I mean geez those guys are cool but I COULDN'T EVEN TALK TO THEM before because "there's a lot of pain here, whuh-oh, I CAN'T TOUCH THAT" so boom I would leeeave, and it was NOT FUN because then they were cut off from EVERYTHING.
But like I said. Now it's over, it feels SO WEIRD to be able to "know" stuff from their world now… eesh… kind of creepy-crawly and shivery but cool nonetheless. *read that in the Davy Jones voice* I'm just glad that's over and we can all be friends now I HOPE, things are changing big time and I want EVERYBODY to be happy and a part of it. I mean even I haven't world-jumped in FOREVER, GEEZ guys, that's NOT COOL. I mean I'm still in Pokémon, duh, and I could go back to Yu-Gi-Oh and TMM and all that if I wanted to but eh, not feeling it. And I don't need to. I want to start wandering through League Worlds again. I mean I think JAY was doing that WAAAAY back which is WEIRD but really cool too… maybe that says a lot about the both of us? Interacting in each others worlds but in different ways? Huh.
Anyway BOTTOM LINE IS:: THE PAST NO LONGER APPLIES TO THE PRESENT!!
Stuff that worked way back when DOES NOT WORK NOW because STUFF IS JUST THAT DIFFERENT. We need to LET GO~ of ALL sorts of things and be OPEN to the NEW sorts of things!! Dude I can FEEL IT it's gonna be AWESOME. *fist pump* YEAH.

Now if yo'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get Jay to play with his Doublade and Chesnaught (because I know you want to ~♥) and then it is time… to SLEEP.
Man I gotta meet Mr. Sandman because I'M WRITING HIS STORY why haven't I talked to him yet. Maybe because I am super nervous, oh boy, meeting important people ALWAYS makes me super nervous… in a good way!! Man imagine me talking to Hosea. AAGH. I'd be smiling like crazy because he is SO GREAT but I'd also be shaking in my shoes because DUDE DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE seriously everybody I write about it such a great person… uh… such great people… that should be an 'are'… I'm bad at grammar tonight, don't mind me. That means I need to stop typing!

BYE!!

Whoops, it's 2am and I forgot to summarize the day. Ummm I'm gonna forget this in the morning if I don't put it down quick, give me a second.

-therapy today was weird. lots of upset talking but i don't remember it. someone does though!! i'll ask them later what it was, i know it was very important, so thank you to that person whoever you are
-almost done with many waters, not yet though, 20 more pages!
-still recovering from being very sick. not sure how much is heat exhaustion, how much is maybe flu, how much is dietary troubles, how much is stress, blehh whatever. just headaches and bad dissociation and nausea and temperature problems. but we'll be okay we've been through worse.
-MESITA'S NEW ALBUM CAME OUT TODAY IT IS BEAUTIFUL! we're wondering if we should get a hard copy that would be so nice, but do we have the money hmm.
-apparently laurie fronted for most of the driving home from therapy? j says he saw her twice, before he got switched back in the library because laurie isn't too keen on social chitchat. but genesis was with her? thinks his role is to help people when they front, since he's outside, keeps them grounded in the body because that's hard for us. but that's really cool, laurie says it's all about practice, that's why she fronted as long as possible, NONE of us are used to social situations so practice is needed. gotta stay safe though.
-um hmm. jay is currently in a bit of fanboy euphoria over pokemon hehe! he loves honedge, he has such a weakness for cyclops-y things. no mouths too, he says. "and it's a sword." told you he was fanboy mode it's funny
-very tired. don't remember much of today. oh yes! we didn't get home until like... 3pm? not sure. didnt eat though so we were very hungry. BUT the mother was home, very loud and extravagant, house was a mess, music blasting, she's dancing and singing loud, SO many of us got terrified and scared. someone started yelling "i hate her, i hate her, i don't want to go near her" and jay listened!! he didn't let the autopilot shut her up, he stood back and let her front and said "okay, i won't go near her, can you tell me why you hate her?" but he was TALKING to her about it and he DIDN'T go anywhere near her, but then we didn't get to eat today until after 6PM so we got very sick!!
-also i know a little boy fronted for a bit after the mother suddenly pranced over to us and started dancing with no explanation, we left and went down the celler and they just started sobbing hysterically, again jay didn't let the ap shut anyone up. let the boy cry because he was scared. he said "thank you" and then stopped and left, but it was nice that he wasnt ignored because the autopilot usually blocks crying.
-hm what else. not much i think. oh yes i think jay or jewel was drawing jewel monsters today?? OH!! that's what he wants to say!! that same angry scared female voice that he was talking to (she feels like something halfway between sugar and overload, j says. definitely the person we couldnt identify for ever) actually told him to work on the dw stuff? she said she LIKED it, he describes it as "she was blushing like a ten year old" like she really thought it was cool, she would feel less scared seeing him work on it. so i know either j or jewel or both were drawing dream world stuff for two hours while we waited for the mother to stop being so loud and scary. i know they got a lot done! so that's nice. but it's SUCH A SURPRISE i mean none of us thought we could know about dw without dying or things being tainted, there was such a huge split between the artists and the trauma people, so the latter wouldn't infect the former. but this is a big ray of hope that's COOL!!
-okay really it is too late and the headache is back so bybye.

AH DUDE WAIT! Jay here, totally forgot something that happened as I was falling asleep, geez I cannot believe that slipped my mind.
First, our "sleeping fronter" is back, but it's NOT Minty? They are a child, and they still love teddy bears, but I can't tell if they're a boy or a girl. Feels like short hair though. Anyway I think they were talking to Jeremiah for a bit, but heaven only knows what about, or for how long. As usual I'm just vaguely aware that yes, they were fronting in the body for a while.

Secondly, again I don't know how it began or happened, but at some point I ended up being "called into" headspace (yes, me, Jay) by another alter? And guess who it was? THE SAGE GUY. We thought he was dead!! Apparently he resurrected though, in MORPHING headspace though, honestly he was NOWHERE near Central, he was in the shifting outerlands or whatever. Dreamspace. So he's 50% safe there and 50% not, proven by WHY he called me there. Okay, so I got called in, so suddenly my consciousness "gathers together" and now I'm aware that I'm kneeling in the snow, in the grove of pines outside the house? (The Diamew anchor.) So first I'm wondering "why is there snow, who called me here," and then I notice that off to the right, by the path going up the hill, there is this MASSIVE TAR SPIDER. Seriously it was as tall as a tree, huge and dripping and creepy. And it was trying to attack or eat something in the air in front of it-- that thing being the Sage-colored alter, being carried by the Tangerine-colored alter (aka the "cool orange guy")! I haven't seen him since WAY before the August reset, where did he come from now! But I'm not complaining, they both seemed okay, but apparently they called me because I am one of the only people in headspace that can fight the Tar without risking total oblivion or being eaten or something equally bad.
Now those two are very lucky that they were smart enough to CALL ME into headspace. Doing that "locks me in" so I was 100% me, meaning I was absolutely in my glittery-eyed "life is awesome" mode, and the snow made it worse, and the Tar itself made it worse by being a spider. For some stupidly hilarious reason, I saw that thing and I didn't even spare a thought for "oh crap that thing can hack me, or possess me, or do awful things to my mind." No, I saw it and thought "oh my goodness it's a giant spider look how pretty it is." And that burst of silly childlike wonder over this insect suddenly allowed me to see even past that, and realize that, since it was Tar, it was technically Black energy. Infinitii's holy ground. Immediately that wonder was paired with a bona fide wave of equally childlike love, love that didn't care how malevolent it may have been at the moment, love that only saw what it had the potential to be besides that, love that actually shook up the Tar enough to get it to back out and bail. And somehow, don't ask me how because it is foggy as all, I was able to get that spider-shaped manifestation of Black energy to shrink down, smaller and smaller, until it was a tiny pinpoint of black light. (Probably using my natural White energy; it's order as opposed to chaos, so that would explain the compression as opposed to expansion?) Then I looked at it, and with a smile, just flipped it over into a white hole. And it worked (thank you headspace logic)! So instantly, there was this burst of white light from it, and we were carried with it out of raw headspace-- you know, the empty white areas. So the two alters were safe now, they could get anywhere from there, Tar couldn't find them in raw whitespace as far as anyone is aware. But unfortunately I cannot tell you anything else because when that white hole exploded, I was washed out with the dreamscape, my consciousness was kicked backwards and suddenly I was seeing the body instead of headspace. It took a few seconds but then I just handed the reins back over to the sleepy kid and God only knows where I went, haha. I have absolutely no recall of time between then and briefly sitting in therapy this morning (Laurie literally standing by me and squeezing my shoulder so I wouldn't dissociate again), not without trudging through data files.
No, wait, I lied. Inadvertently. There is one flashbulb memory of me standing on that hill with the two unnamed alters, facing the house, and I was holding the sage-guy's hand and he was in turn holding the tangerine-guy's hand. I think we were safe at that point. But I remember that clearly because the sage-guy was still smoking and I got a lungful of the smoke, it was all lemony sage as usual, but against the cold winter air it was the most interesting sensation! Like I could breathe even more clearly than usual in the winter, it was cool.

Anyway that is all I have to say, it is now 2:10 AM, good heavens.
I am indeed ridiculously excited over Honedge, the previous alter was correct, I adore cyclops mouthless creature things, haha. And it's a ghost sword. It is gorgeous and I love it. Skrelp too, the scraggly little adorable sea dragon that it is. And it turns into DRAGALGE okay I cannot rant about Pokemon here, that's over here incidentally, although it may or may not be 100% me. I don't care, I literally burst out laughing whenever I re-read those.
Oh yeah! The fronter who wrote the first half of this entry forgot to mention. Someone else fronted on the drive home, not just Laurie. I don't know who they were, but I clearly am aware of them because they showed up while I was trying to front (I couldn't anchor in well and they were too excited). But they rival me in terms of wonder, honestly, they were lucky enough to show up right when JT's new song "You Got It On" started playing from the car CD, and I swear this kid was sparkly-eyed and smiling like a five year old. It was adorable, they thought the song was so cool. I forget when they stopped fronting, but looking back on the log for them, I have to say it's nice to know we have at least one other alter that DOESN'T exist because of trauma. They just exist to enjoy everything like they've never experienced any of it before, because they literally haven't. And having them show up after whatever in the world happened in therapy today (I honestly have no clue, I'll have to sit down tomorrow and dig through the data logs for it) was really a godsend.
There are so many social alters showing up now that don't have names or clear faces. Isn't that odd? It all started out with Upstairs people, the gang up from Central, but... most of them are dead or missing now, what with all the resets of the past year. But in their place came the Undergrounders, tied to trauma and pain and suppressed suffering, to help us heal from it, to clean it out. Knife and Razor and Sugar and Mulberry and Jeremiah and David and Marigold. But there were a few people who didn't quite fit their group, people with no names... like the sage-guy and the tangerine-guy (who DOES have wings, what the heck is he) who are thankfully alive again somehow. So now I'm wondering, is it their level's turn to shine now? It could be, it could be time for a level that really doesn't care about the trauma because it's never touched them. They, somehow, were born from something totally unaffected by that. And we need that. We all need that right now.

WAIT. Last thing, last thing. This is important.
Infinitii has TWO MODES. I literally forgot about this entirely until he switched in front of me today and I was like "dude I TOTALLY forgot you could do that." Each mode has an appearance and personality shift, but they are STILL both him. This fits his Black energy anchor, the mutability of it.
Either way, the first mode, the one we're all the most familiar with, is when his personality is quiet, emotional, reflective, empathetic, etc. The one where you cannot be around him without feeling100% vulnerable and sincere because he just radiates that. The "angelic" one. It's when Infi has one big silvery cyclopean eye, NO mouth on his face, but mouths all over his wings. And when he talks, it's from his wings, and it echoes. His voice is wise but innocent, young but old, overwhelming but intimate. He uses a lot of body language in this form, mostly with his hands, and it's captivating; honestly when I watch him 'talk' it's like watching a manifested prayer or something. He is something else.
BUT! He hasn't needed to use his other "mode" in several months, I think; the only time I can concretely reference is the first Xanga session he had with Laurie and Sandman and I, shortly after his manifestation. In this mode, he is tricky, playful, clever, insightful, and conversational. But instead of an angelic aura, he feels impish. You respect him, but in a totally different way than you would in his "normal" state; in this form you respect the authority you feel from him. Is that the right word? It's like you KNOW he knows things, and has a great deal of power, and-- oh! That's what it is. In this form, he has the EDGE that the Tar kicks to extremes. It's the "creepy" side of the Black energy. His more angelic state is the "night sky" side of Black. Same stuff, different manifestation. See? But most notably, in that mode, he has no eye on his face, just a huge toothy grin, which he talks from-- no echo, and a vaguely mischievous vocal tone-- and his wings are now covered in eyes. RED eyes. That's important!! I'm thinking BOTH Infi and I have a mode-switch like this, thanks to holding the monochromatic slots, which would PROVE the long-running theory that monos NEED to anchor into the Red slot to function completely? It's tough to put into language, I wish I could just kythe all of this, haha. It's the natural language in headspace practically. Which is why fronting is so tricky, no one is used to speaking in literal words. We're too used to our odd brand of symbiosis to easily adjust to being "alone" for any short period of time.
Anyway I also... I want to say something odd but true, that I also forgot to write down. About Infinitii.
I... I adore him, I love him, with my entire heart I love him, but I'm not in love with him? It's odd. I look to him for comfort, for the protective shadow of his wings, for the silence of it. I look for the unspoken and wordless understanding between us, for the perfect silence, for the blessed lack of conversation because we don't need it. I cannot imagine chatting with him, or spending time with him as I would with Genesis. It would feel wrong.
And yet at night, I call out to him simply because I want to hold him when I sleep. I want to wrap my arms around this strange angelic thing, all feathers and inky blackness, and not do anything else. I just want his presence there, nothing more, nothing less. Simple.
But I'm not in love with him. I don't feel for him like everyone says I used to for Chaos. And that's... weird? I can't even fathom what it would be like to be "in love" like that. It's like... kind of like Proginoskes said, in A Wind In The Door. "Love isn’t how you feel. It’s what you do." Cherubim don't have feelings, after all; if love were a feeling, how could he possibly love anything like he did?
But there's nothing wrong with the other sort of love either, the "confusing kind." There's nothing wrong with it, even if I don't understand it anymore. I don't understand how at one point, I essentially wanted to marry that aqua-blue alien; I wanted to share my life and soul with him completely and totally, I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him, in this life and beyond. I wrote poetry about him, we spent hours together at night, we loved each other more deeply than I had thought possible to experience.
And yet now, I am completely happy with quietly loving Infi but not wanting any of that with him. I am completely content, blissfully so, with the distance, the silence, the lack of traditional "intimacy," because paradoxically, I don't feel any of it is needed. It feels excessive.
Maybe it's because that weird little black being was literally yanked out of my ribcage 8 months ago. Maybe I feel no need to prove the odd spiritual link between us because of that.
I think that's why it scares me, too, when Infi used to slip into the state of mind where he wasn't sure what his role was, what he needed to do. He used to start trying to act like Chaos, like Genesis, like... like Julie, sometimes. When she lied. But it would terrify me, and I would run. After so many times, we both decided it was for the best, and we stopped trying. We stopped attempting conversations and feigning dramatics. We stopped, and went back to silent communion, and that's all I think I need right now.
It's just... strange, after everything. I'm just as close to Infi as I was to Chaos, from what I've been told, in every respect. There is no discrepancy there. But I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I ever would, or could be. I don't see him as a partner or a lover or anything, and the thought itself feels wrong. I only see him as Infinitii, just what he is, someone that I know, and who I just happen to love more than I understand. And we're safe, completely safe, like this.
...I have no idea why I felt compelled to write any of that. Oh well, it's probably relevant if it just happened like that. Relevant stuff usually is.

Good night everyone, it's 2:54, I need to get to work before my boss gets worried (again). Much love.

Almost forgot to update today! Here's a quick recap.
The memory has big gaps in it due to frequent switching, but what I do remember is extremely clear thanks to heavy fatigue (when the body is exhausted I can front more easily, go figure).

This morning, someone (airport guy?) went in the other direction when we left the driveway, wanting to "go on an adventure" up the back hills of the state game lands. So we did, but almost immediately after the lines of houses dissolved into trees, Celebi (yes, the old chatty '01 gal) shoved him out of the way to drive instead, ecstatic at all the verdant life. Since there's a lot of deforesting going on by the local highways (which we travel weekly), suddenly seeing so much green was incredible for her. She was laughing and in tears, repeating "how did I not know about this??" and staring out at it all with absolute wonder.
She and airplane kept switching as we drove and it was making it REALLY hard to see anything, so I told them to decide on one or two people co-fronting, so that we wouldn't accidentally go off the road or something. I forget who won out, though, because almost immediately after I told them this-- therefore focusing more on the road-- Minty noticed something small and pink on the side of the road. She wanted to see what it was, and kept bugging us to go back and look, but Cel and the airport dude wanted to get to the top of the hills first, where there was a dam and an intersection where we could turn the car around (we didn't have the gas or the time to go hardcore exploring past that landmark).
I remember that when we got to the top of the hill, two cars suddenly appeared behind us? Those roads are usually dead empty, which we enjoy (silence is pure gold), so we were all able to be around each other without anxiety. So I was shocked when, as soon as those cars appeared in the rear-view mirror, David started to panic. He snapped into fronting, began whimpering and crying, repeating that he was scared and he didn't want people coming after us. He was honestly terrified that there were other people on the road, following us (even if it was unintentional, so to speak). A few people tried to calm him down, I think Knife fronted for a minute? He did say that "there is no threat to you here" but he understood why David reacted that way. I'm not sure, that whole bit is a blurry mess because of the mad switching and anxiety.
Anyway. Since we were driving back we passed that pink toy on the road again, and Minty immediately jumped up and said we had to rescue it. Luckily there was a small pulloff area about 30 feet away, so we parked, waited for the cars to pass, and then I ran to pick up whatever it was. It was actually a beanie baby-- a pink "January" birthday bear, to be precise. Minty was ecstatic that we had "saved it;" the poor thing was soaked from the rain but it actually wasn't dirty or grimy otherwise. So it came home with us, and I washed it up well because seriously, we found it in the road, haha. I do want to say that, when Minty noticed that it was a birthday bear, she asked, "wasn't Eros born in January?" especially because the bear is his exact color, practically. I said yeah, surprised at the similarity, and Minty declared that she'd "give him the bear to take care of" if he wanted to, that way it could help relay information back and forth between his place (which is literally a "red light" establishment wtf, it's kinda disturbing) and the Lower realm? I don't know, she was saying something about using the bears as messengers between different parts of the system. Hm.
Genesis and I went to the library later but I'll type that up tomorrow; it is super late and I just want to type the main stuff now.

Only one negative thing happened today. The mother visited this afternoon, while we were trying to cook dinner, and as usual she was being loud and moving around a lot. It's difficult enough for us to deal with her because the children are scared of her voice and mannerisms, and Sugar gets really furious when she acts childish, but today she kept getting really close to the stove and I think she bumped us once? I remember David started wailing but I don't know when that specifically was. Either way, something happened that provoked my mother to demand of us why we were acting like that. Trying to keep everyone calm, I simply replied "because sometimes I'm scared of you--" but was instantly cut off by her. She whirled around to face us, glaring, and angrily shouted, "that's it! I'm not talking to you any more!!" before turning back to talk with my brother again as if nothing had happened. (And she kept her word; she ignored us for the rest of the day.)
Needless to say, we were shocked, more emotionally than anything. For a few seconds I remember I couldn't get the body to do anything; it was in a sort of "standby mode" while it tried to process that response of hers without drowning in guilt and shame for provoking it. Realizing that this would only start another depressive spiral, I shook it off and fronted so that I could meditate while dinner finished cooking. It helped, even though everyone else in headspace backed off to the point where they really didn't talk much for the rest of the evening (not wanting to risk any more trouble).
The rest of the evening is a blurry mess again; I don't know who ate, but we didn't get sick which was nice (we're doing much better lately; Knife and Emmett are mostly responsible for that so thanks guys). I know I personally spent about two hours on the Subeta generator trying to refine appearances again (that helps SO MUCH), so you can check the sticky Spectrum post for the current ones for everybody.

ALSO THERE IS A NEW GUY he's sage green and was talking to Nathaniel earlier, they were chilling out in Diamew, no idea why. He has no name yet but his face is 100% clear. He's also quite aware of what he is so far; he told Nat that the System was unbalanced because of my splintering and/or because of all the trauma alters? But it was naturally "rebalancing" by forming more alters from the broken pieces, that weren't traumatized, and could help those who were. Nat asked how he knew and the guy said that before he got a body (when he was in raw headspace, like the red guy STILL IS) he was more aware of things than he is now, and he chose what he was going to do. So even if he forgets most of it now, the knowledge is still vaguely there in him. It's like that for all of us really.
Also he smokes? But it's not cigarettes or anything, it's actually some sort of herbal concoction (he later said it was "lemon and sage" or something?); he said he breathes it to keep a clear head, and "the trees like it." Honestly this guy LOVES NATURE, he walked over to the pine trees and was just breathing this smoke at them and smiling and running his fingers through the branches, talking to them and listening too. The clearest snapshot my mind has of him is him standing with his back to the pine grove, his arms up and around the lowest branches, eyes closed and smiling. So yeah, no clue who he is but I like him already!
He's not the only one though. There's that peachy dancer guy, and Sugar-- who came back to life today (she's "supposed to be alive" so she will keep resurrecting? not sure what headspace's rules are there), but Laurie is trying to get her to be less violent-- and of course the people from last week. But I'm really beginning to understand this phenomenon so I'll talk about them in detail tomorrow.

Oh, and remind me to mention yesterday too-- Ryman and Markus showed up in headspace and said they were MOVING IN TO CENTRAL?? As in, they're not going to just visit or drop by anymore, they're going to have their own rooms here!! I'm so excited. So Ryman was talking to me for a while (he said Markus was still "packing" so he wasn't there yet) about their native world, and what those two had done with their dream reality after our group began to split up somewhat around 2006? It was AWESOME and I need to write it down.
I miss those two so much though. You really have no idea. There weren't many records kept during 2002-2004, which was when our group was the most active, but my heart remembers the truth of it, even if "I" wasn't the one actively participating (funny how that works, headspace is crazy cool).
As soon as Markus shows up, CZ and I are totally going to barge into his room, haha. Just kidding, or not. We just love teasing the hell out of each other, it's hilarious. I miss that too.

Last thing. Last night, I was talking to Laurie before I fell asleep, but I was in an interesting energy state? Like I couldn't stay fully physical, but instead of going all geometric-glow like I sometimes do, I got this aura of dense white energy, like a cloud? And I was dissolving into it. But it felt so freaking soft it was insane, just this fluffy white energy, completely innocent and all. Laurie was shocked by it at first, wondering what the heck was up, but then I noticed that even though I was technically losing consciousness, my awareness was becoming really clear. I could see her so clearly (clairvoyantly, mind) it was virtually a photograph. And there was no buffer or block on me, either, so I was being all sparklehearted like I typically am at that hour.
I remember Laurie hugged me, really genuinely. There was so much compassion in that it was beautiful. I think she was tearing up a little.
Chaos walked in at one point and he was SUPER clear too, I smiled so much; I haven't seen him that clearly in so long and I missed him. But I remember him now, for the first time in a long time: it had actually rained for the first time in forever that day, and when I ran outside to feel it all these emotions hit me like a tidal wave and I loved him more than anything.
(There was synchronistic lightning too, purple as usual, thanks Laurie!)

If you cannot tell I am falling asleep at the computer. I would write poetry BUT i am literally about to pass out, super dizzy brain fog headache can't see. so i need sleep bye!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:18 pm

So Sherlock and I are reviewing the archival entries, trying to get a grip on exactly what's been happening since June, what with the Lower Sub-Systems becoming super-active out of the blue.
What I've realized is that most of the "new alters"on those levels aren't new at all. On the contrary, a great deal of them are very, VERY old.
It's a known fact that "we've" heard voices for as long as we can remember. They've never gone away (although it's nice to at least not have auditory hallucinations any more), but it's only recently that they began to find names and faces. I think it's because now, our System is trying to embrace all facets of our past, no matter how sharp, and the trauma of that in many cases is outright forcing many of those bodiless voices to solidify at long last. That's not new-- several of us were "born" that way-- but it's never happened this quickly before. So I'm interested.

I'd say more but there's a massive jumble of notes and history in front of me, and we're itching to sift through it for answers (we love picking this stuff apart). I won't bother you with our info-dumps in the meantime.

-J

----------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:56 pm

Before the date rolls over, I just want to mention that while I was walking outside today, a wind ran through the trees and PRELUDOVE SHOWED UP!
When the body was younger, sudden winds through the trees were ALWAYS a telltale sign that some Jewel Monster had just showed up, and that obviously has not changed! So that was awesome. A feather floated down from where she had warped in, too, haha.
I almost saw the Dream Portal she came through, that was super cool. Watching her fly away into one was one of the most amazing things ever.
Mostly she wanted to see how I was, she was upset that I had been disconnected for so long? I don't really remember the words of the conversation but I know what she wanted me to do, and what I felt. Sorry I can't exactly write that down, but I don't forget feelings.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, LINKS SEEM TO BE WORKING AGAIN.
I'm excited. I don't know if they had to move, or if I had to re-center, or what... but it seems like they STILL only work when "I am out of the picture." Links require a person to be detached from any limiting notions of self, from what I know.
Boss said that I'm a "gateway" in that sense? It's the "secret prerequisite" for Sandmen (am I allowed to say that here?), they have to be able to move between worlds WITHOUT being tied to any one form or name or anything. But Gateways aren't just that, they also CHANGE without any conscious effort whenever they world-jump; their forms naturally adapt to new places.

Looking through the archives with Sherlock today otherwise. We're trying to make sense of the madness that has been the past two months; SO much has happened and we want to make sure we have a clear picture.

I have a headache (possibly dehydration) and I need to be up in 7 hours so that's it for tonight, bye!

All right, I promised you guys an update two days ago and I have been ridiculously busy since then so there hasn't been one. My apologies.
Let's pick up where we left off, then.

Something very, very significant happened on November 18th. I hadn't updated for a out a week prior to that thanks to my recording project (which took approximately 24 studio hours to complete, no kidding), and that huge workload contributed to a large amount of stress on my part, thanks to the sheer amount of time and effort it took. Nothing too negative, no, but it was just involved enough to weaken me, badly.
Long story short, I'm relapsing. Badly. My therapist is triggering me every time I see him, I can't go online anymore because it's getting far too dangerous again, I haven't spoken to my friends in some time for the same reason... and worst of all, my gender dysphoria has come back full-force for the first time since January, I think (yes it's that bad). So I am having a terrifyingly difficult time trying to keep the inevitable old self-abuse thoughts out of my head. I thought that was over with, forever, and then on Friday I picked up a knife and I remembered exactly what it felt like as it tore through muscle. It was the most disturbing thing I've felt in a very long time, to say the least... well, it would be, if this relapsing hadn't also worsened my ego hacks to frankly traumatic intensity as well.
That's what happened on Friday. I'll admit that my mind has already wiped that incident from my mind almost entirely. It's frustrating that I forget everything like that so fast, as I'd like to learn from it, but it's a desperate coping method and honestly, dwelling on that sort of thing for too long has been proven to drive me off the deep end.
In any case the details actually aren't that important here. What drove me to update here in spite of the stress, and what has also completely turned my daily life upside down, is the event that was triggered by such a deeply harrowing incident.

Natalie resurrected.

Yeah, I'm not kidding. Apparently I got bad enough to completely disassociate from my reflection again, to the point where it gave Nat enough room and energy to reform (remember how that worked for Leon). So Natalie is back in our system... well, as Nathaniel this time. And that's where it gets complicated.
First off, his color changed from blue to green. Since Leon was born/ died/ reborn during the time gap when Nat was still dead, he picked up the blue attributes in his absence. Green has never been assigned, but now I actually have seven headvoices up here (which is absolutely insane) and the spectrum is completely spoken for.
I have some theories on that which seem to be carrying some merit but we'll get to that. I have to discuss this among the system first before I jump to any conclusions. I'm a little nervous if they're true, because then Nathaniel's new green color is actually a very, very foreboding sign.
Anyway, Laurie immediately assigned him to active duty, which means he and I are co-fronting as much as possible now. I'll admit it's very difficult, but if this keeps hacks from happening (I care more about other people than I do myself in these cases, sadly-- and if fighting off hacks tooth and nail means protecting him directly then I'll be motivated for sure) then I'll deal with it. It's just... well, it's not helping the dysphoria. I mean it's at least a little easier to cope with now that he's the one occupying my reflections, but the truth that I'm still stuck in it too haunts me. My own face has become deeply disconcerting to me. Knowing that it's now Nathaniel's only helps a little bit. It's not enough, not at all. It's not enough to keep the repressed screams and involuntary spasms away. It's not enough to keep my hands from wildly digging for blades and tearing at skin.
When I open my mouth I'm not me. When I look in the mirror I'm not me. No matter how centered I can be in still silence, as soon as I am made aware of this body I collapse outright. How did I fix this last time? I don't remember.
This is terrifying.
I'm afraid of how far I'll have slipped by this time next week... or next month... God, I can't be letting this happen. I don't want to fall again. Not now. Not after everything.

...Speaking of everything.
Xenophon is getting a lot better at ghosting. She can get about a solid hour in now which is amazing progress. When she's around me I feel so much joy it brings me to tears, because I forget what I'm stuck in. She's there, and I know what led up to that, and it reminds me that I still do exist too.
She told me that she 'sees me how I am' which is incredible to me... we were in church and I was afraid to sing with her there as I thought my dysphoria would go through the roof, but she said not to worry because apparently her perception of me isn't limited by my physical form? I don't know how that's possible but I am SO thankful for that...
Also, it does NOT feel right calling myself a 'parent.' It doesn't. I've been saying 'father' based on my own, very non-traditional interpretation of the term (and also thanks to Nier, but of course I completely ignored the fact that he had to have a wife at some point). I see no distinction between 'father' and 'mother' in my sense-- they're just titles given to caretakers with blood connections, to people who are responsible for allowing you to enter their world and who will love you unconditionally. Gender, biology, family roles, and all that has absolutely no bearing on those titles to me. That's why I no longer feel comfortable using them... because according to the rest of the world, they do. I'm using a term that isn't even mine to define something that doesn't even match.
Oh, and also I don't think there's any 'blood relation' either. She's technically a J-Monster (Chaos and I both have indelible ties to that universe) and their biology is far different than those of humans, especially where reproduction is concerned, but even if we broke several 'rules' in allowing her to exist here, she's not genetically related to us in the normal sense? I don't know how to explain it. But long story short, even though I've been calling myself a 'parent' and a 'father,' I'm technically neither. Plus I only accept other people calling me that if they understand the specifics of my definition despite the label, and onlookers don't.
I spoke to Imaril (an individual from the Akuna System) the other day, and she told me not to worry about that. She told me to be a guardian, a light.
That's really what I am to Xenophon. That's all I've ever wanted to be for anyone like her. So I'll do that.

Going back to headvoices to close this up... Julie is still having major problems with forgiving herself. I'm trying to help but I can only do so much. I'm at fault, really. I keep talking about my past without thinking how that's hurting her, which is really stupid and selfish of me. I should be letting go of the past completely but I'm not? I don't understand why. I guess things keep dragging it back into present awareness and I don't want that.
As for Lynne, Leon and Spine, they have now been promoted to active duty according to Laurie. Josephina is kind of wavering in terms of activity. I know he's still unsure of how to carry out his role and now with Nathaniel returning, things are just getting crazier.
I think I'm going to ask Spine to co-front with us too. I don't know, it could help. I'm just desperate right now.

That's all I have to say about this. I'm feeling very sick.
I want to be optimistic but something is holding me back. Why? Is it guilt? Is it self-hatred?
I don't like this boiling feeling running through my bones. It's frightening. I just want to let go and be happy.
But there are mirrors everywhere.

Dude I think this is my second favorite online journal that is publicly viewable.
Seriously. Visible icons, Sailor Moon mood theme, awesome background, easy interface... it's awesome.
My aqua journal is tops, of course, but this one's cool too!

Anyway.
I know I've been gone for a while... there's a good reason.
I've been running a lot, as usual. I've also been hiding, and trying to find myself again.

I've been catching happy little fragments of my childhood in butterfly nets and keeping them close to my heart.
I could have sworn I'd never find them again, but wha-la! Praise be to God, they were just around the corner. So I found a few of them again.
I don't want to lose this like I did when I first had it... I don't want to take it for granted. I need to appreciate and keep this little bit of joy, of simple happiness, of innocence and sunny weekend mornings and first snowfalls and Celebi cards and lined-paper comics and locking myself in my room and thinking about the Dream World in front of the mirror. Philosophizing in the third grade. I used to.

Now for an update on everything else.

Geez, was I ever an emo crazyhead back in May! Wow!
Looks like the early fall months were pretty darn bad, too.
Man. 2008 was just really rough for me, I guess.

Lynne and Natalie are back.
I'm so glad. They're both helping me very much.
I also invited Reverend Mofo and Bogardus into my headgang, and they accepted! So now I have a crazy monkey preacher and a Nohrin military gambler in my head helping me out. Awesome stuff.

Julie hasn't touched me in days, I think... I honestly can't remember, but it's been a while.
My mind has been desperately clawing to pieces every incident in which she tries to mindrape me, so I don't remember any of them. They happen, I guess, and then I'm so broken and/or traumatized from the self-disassociation that my mind just... eats itself.
It's scary.

Anyway. On that note.
Remember, way back in one of these journals (I think my LJ) that I said, "there are some things that I can't even talk to Chaos and Selph about?"
Well...they know.
No, I didn't tell them.
Chaos found out by accident, after getting into a fight with Laurie one too many times and she decided to fill him in on the graphic details of my mental hell.
I remember that evening, because he was in a serious state of shock for hours. He confronted me about it, too. "Why didn't you tell me she was doing this to you?" Furious, hurt, scared more than anything else. I felt the same.
So Chaos found out without my knowing... found out everything. Understood, knew everything.
It scared me, humiliated me at first to know that he now knew everything I had suffered at Julie's hands, but thank God he didn't condemn me or shoot me down or even shun me. No, he just focused his fury on Julie instead of Laurie, and every time that girl so much as looked at me maliciously he'd practically be at her throat.
It just offended him, I guess... both the fact that I hadn't spoken up about the abuse and the fact that she was abusing me like that in the first place.
But I am glad that he understands the most important thing.
I never wanted for any of that abuse to happen, and I still don't. He doesn't hold it against me, and I'm slowly learning not to hold it against me either.
Unfortunately, I do want Laurie's abuse when she gives it to me, and Chaos is still very distraught by that.
I'd stop, but... the pain keeps me sane. I need that shock, that icy burn, to keep my mind focused.
I just wish I could get it another way then handing the controls over to my resident violet maniac and letting her give me another scar.

Selph found out because he's around me all the time.
I let it slip, once. Selph was wondering why some evenings I'd suddenly spiral downwards into a horrible self-loathing fit, even when I was having a fantastic day up until that point. One day I was trying to explain without mentioning Julie, but I guess I said something that I shouldn't have because, before I realized it, Selph was screaming and crying "you mean she's the reason you're like this? Why didn't you tell me?" Same as Chaos. I trust them, I really do... but I didn't tell them this because I knew it would hurt.
Needless to say, I was forced to slowly fill Selph in on the details... slowly, painfully, as I had tried to keep him innocent where he wouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing. But he wanted to know... he didn't want to be blind to what I was going through.
Once he understood it all, Selph decided to go all out in keeping Julie away from me whenever possible, in whatever way he could.
Actually, I'm very thankful for that. All that painful admittance and all the fights it triggered... Selph and I have grown even closer together because of it all, despite the pain and confusion. We were virtually inseperable before, but geez.... look at us now.

So the fighting has subsided for now. Julie's gone MIA, thank God, so everyone outside of my main 4 is quieter than usual. I'm in a better mood that usual, too, as I've been dealing with this problem since last January and only recently have I begun to realize how to stop it.

On that note, with feeling better than usual...
Chaos and I are celebrating our 5th anniversary on Tuesday.

I know, I know, that's very unlike me. I have never been one to keep track of birthdays and anniversaries, let alone remember them.
But now, I'm looking back on memories and nothing has dates... it feels broken, disjointed. Like I want to catch it but it's just a filmy fragment and it keeps slipping through my fingers. So I'm trying to make these things a big deal... trying not to take them for granted.

I'm planning a ridiculously detailed picture for it, too. I won't give away any details now, but I've been planning this thing for months so I'm really looking forward to getting it done.
But seriously... my red and blue pencils are going to be dead when I'm done!

Well... I could keep on ranting about music and Pokemon and my childhood and eBay and Christmas and all that but it's already 3AM and I should really get to sleep.

Have a good night... and Merry Christmas, if I don't see you until then.

It was nice to see you again!

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the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with nousfoni resurrection

010725

UPMC journal 102022

Update again! About therapy mostly.

oct 08

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hello there!