hello there!

[prismaticbleed]

Dude I think this is my second favorite online journal that is publicly viewable.
Seriously. Visible icons, Sailor Moon mood theme, awesome background, easy interface... it's awesome.
My aqua journal is tops, of course, but this one's cool too!

Anyway.
I know I've been gone for a while... there's a good reason.
I've been running a lot, as usual. I've also been hiding, and trying to find myself again.

I've been catching happy little fragments of my childhood in butterfly nets and keeping them close to my heart.
I could have sworn I'd never find them again, but wha-la! Praise be to God, they were just around the corner. So I found a few of them again.
I don't want to lose this like I did when I first had it... I don't want to take it for granted. I need to appreciate and keep this little bit of joy, of simple happiness, of innocence and sunny weekend mornings and first snowfalls and Celebi cards and lined-paper comics and locking myself in my room and thinking about the Dream World in front of the mirror. Philosophizing in the third grade. I used to.

Now for an update on everything else.

Geez, was I ever an emo crazyhead back in May! Wow!
Looks like the early fall months were pretty darn bad, too.
Man. 2008 was just really rough for me, I guess.


Lynne and Natalie are back.
I'm so glad. They're both helping me very much.
I also invited Reverend Mofo and Bogardus into my headgang, and they accepted! So now I have a crazy monkey preacher and a Nohrin military gambler in my head helping me out. Awesome stuff.

Julie hasn't touched me in days, I think... I honestly can't remember, but it's been a while.
My mind has been desperately clawing to pieces every incident in which she tries to mindrape me, so I don't remember any of them. They happen, I guess, and then I'm so broken and/or traumatized from the self-disassociation that my mind just... eats itself.
It's scary.

Anyway. On that note.
Remember, way back in one of these journals (I think my LJ) that I said, "there are some things that I can't even talk to Chaos and Selph about?"
Well...they know.
No, I didn't tell them.
Chaos found out by accident, after getting into a fight with Laurie one too many times and she decided to fill him in on the graphic details of my mental hell.
I remember that evening, because he was in a serious state of shock for hours. He confronted me about it, too. "Why didn't you tell me she was doing this to you?" Furious, hurt, scared more than anything else. I felt the same.
So Chaos found out without my knowing... found out everything. Understood, knew everything.
It scared me, humiliated me at first to know that he now knew everything I had suffered at Julie's hands, but thank God he didn't condemn me or shoot me down or even shun me. No, he just focused his fury on Julie instead of Laurie, and every time that girl so much as looked at me maliciously he'd practically be at her throat.
It just offended him, I guess... both the fact that I hadn't spoken up about the abuse and the fact that she was abusing me like that in the first place.
But I am glad that he understands the most important thing.
I never wanted for any of that abuse to happen, and I still don't. He doesn't hold it against me, and I'm slowly learning not to hold it against me either.
Unfortunately, I do want Laurie's abuse when she gives it to me, and Chaos is still very distraught by that.
I'd stop, but... the pain keeps me sane. I need that shock, that icy burn, to keep my mind focused.
I just wish I could get it another way then handing the controls over to my resident violet maniac and letting her give me another scar.


Selph found out because he's around me all the time.
I let it slip, once. Selph was wondering why some evenings I'd suddenly spiral downwards into a horrible self-loathing fit, even when I was having a fantastic day up until that point. One day I was trying to explain without mentioning Julie, but I guess I said something that I shouldn't have because, before I realized it, Selph was screaming and crying "you mean she's the reason you're like this? Why didn't you tell me?" Same as Chaos. I trust them, I really do... but I didn't tell them this because I knew it would hurt.
Needless to say, I was forced to slowly fill Selph in on the details... slowly, painfully, as I had tried to keep him innocent where he wouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing. But he wanted to know... he didn't want to be blind to what I was going through.
Once he understood it all, Selph decided to go all out in keeping Julie away from me whenever possible, in whatever way he could.
Actually, I'm very thankful for that. All that painful admittance and all the fights it triggered... Selph and I have grown even closer together because of it all, despite the pain and confusion. We were virtually inseperable before, but geez.... look at us now.


So the fighting has subsided for now. Julie's gone MIA, thank God, so everyone outside of my main 4 is quieter than usual. I'm in a better mood that usual, too, as I've been dealing with this problem since last January and only recently have I begun to realize how to stop it.


On that note, with feeling better than usual...
Chaos and I are celebrating our 5th anniversary on Tuesday.

I know, I know, that's very unlike me. I have never been one to keep track of birthdays and anniversaries, let alone remember them.
But now, I'm looking back on memories and nothing has dates... it feels broken, disjointed. Like I want to catch it but it's just a filmy fragment and it keeps slipping through my fingers. So I'm trying to make these things a big deal... trying not to take them for granted.

I'm planning a ridiculously detailed picture for it, too. I won't give away any details now, but I've been planning this thing for months so I'm really looking forward to getting it done.
But seriously... my red and blue pencils are going to be dead when I'm done!


Well... I could keep on ranting about music and Pokemon and my childhood and eBay and Christmas and all that but it's already 3AM and I should really get to sleep.

Have a good night... and Merry Christmas, if I don't see you until then.

It was nice to see you again!