the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

 

guys, I'm kind of freaking out here.
I have therapy tomorrow so I'm trying to review old notes-- and I mean OLD notes, this stuff is from 2008 and 2009-- and guess what?
There is a STAGGERING amount of info here, that only makes sense NOW, with our new knowledge and vast amounts of growth and development. But the point is that the signs and potential for a lot of things were always there, even if we couldn't understand what they meant in the bigger picture at the time.

Here, I'm reviewing what I have on my computer right now (no Internet access; I'll upload this later), so let me make a running list. I don't want to dive right into the 2002-2007 archives, which are a holy mess and will REQUIRE me to trudge through those horrible high school notebooks which are our only hints as to who drove that entire time, because that's a ton of stress just thinking about it. Really.
Jewel's here with me (Hi guys!! <3) as usual, and I'm unfortunately rather dissociated as usual so Sherlock might end up barging in later if things get intellectual enough, haha.
That's something I don't know if I've mentioned, actually. Yes, it's common sense that you can "summon" a headvoice internally by a burst of concentrated attention, and externally by calling them by name (typically they will be called to override in fronting, but this can be denied, although that is very painful to do). And you can also summon them, unintentionally of course, by exposing the body to either 1. their anchor, or 2. their triggers. For example, stick around blades too long and Razor will show up, and stick around the mother too long and David will start to freak out. Both those things happened today, incidentally; the evening was hellish (Thank God Razor is on our side now or it could have been worse).
Anyway. What you probably don't know (I didn't for sure until a few days ago), is that this "summoning" also works in REVERSE. Meaning, you can force a headvoice OUT of fronting by not only calling someone else's name, but ALSO by exposing the body to the opposite of their anchor, OR a counter-trigger. What made this so clear to me, you ask? Easy. Laurie was driving the car to therapy on Monday (to prevent social hacks and panic attacks), when suddenly some car crossed into the lane in front of us, that literally had a sexual innuendo painted in huge pink letters across the back window. And I swear to you, the instant that reached our awareness, Laurie was KICKED OUT. Laurie was!! Usually she's impervious to everything, so that shocked me-- and her, in a different way though: she was freaking out when she found herself upstairs because now there was a risk of being hacked IN A CAR. That’s not cool. However I think Jewel or someone took over then? I'm not sure; I literally have one snapshot memory of a traffic sign further down the road, with a non-harmful female voice driving, who was quietly exasperated at "all the other voices" trying to throw her off? It felt like Jewel, because I oddly get this "Phantomilian" vibe from it, and that's her. (Celebi is NOT, by the way; they are two different people!!) But yeah. That cemented the long-standing theory that Laurie CANNOT front when we are in a sexually dangerous situation, thanks to her Chastity attribute. Like me, she is forbidden by her function from being exposed to those things, even as a protector. So I'm kind of glad Sugar seems to be trying to get a grip on her role (she has been a MESS since her manifestation; she keeps getting hacked and it's very worrisome), because she can deal with that stuff, and she gets pissed at the perpetrators. We'll see.
That's all I wanted to say though. The joke was that Sherlock, being so strongly tied to detached data analysis and delivery, would actually have a chance of being "accidentally called in" if I started getting super-logical about these old notes, haha. Not that I'd mind, of course-- the man's good at his job!
So without further ado, here's that darn list of old topics I'm reviewing.
(Note to 'selves': this is IMPORTANT STUFF so do NOT gloss over it!!)

- Old Julie (pre-2011) was TERRIFYING. A lot of the things she could do, or that we knew about her, were never reviewed later, but now that I'm doing just that it is really creepy. Here, let's give her her own list.
1. "Body made of shadow." This was common knowledge for YEARS before we even knew about the Tar, let alone its connection to her.
2. "Has shape/voice-shifting abilities." Again common knowledge, but that is a textbook Black energy skill, which otherwise only Infinitii and the raw Tar have.
3. "Usually turns her hands into knifelike claws to attack us." From a 2009 note file. This WAS a thing she did, and I won't say much here, but that is a blatant connection to Dream World corruption energy (which is not alien to headspace; see every *incident* ever), essentially their version of the Tar, and that is seriously unnerving.
4. "These (black bracelets) used to be chains, which Laurie put on her. They didn't hold." I forgot we literally had to chain her up at one point, to keep her from attacking us. (Remember she actually had her own ROOM upstairs at first??) But with the Black-energy shapeshifting, it's no wonder they didn't work.
5. "She's downstairs now." I read that and immediately thought, "oh no." I forgot that, when she got too lethal, we LITERALLY SHOVED HER INTO THE UNDERGROUND. The Underground technically didn't even exist back then; it was just raw headspace. So, sickly, our attempt to protect ourselves apparently just made things worse-- she took over that entire level over the next 2 years, and then what did we have? The Tar Room, and an entire shadow-choked maze of underground tunnels that she controlled until 2012. Go figure.
6. "Has some positive potential, but is drowned by primal desires." Just pointing out that we knew this from the beginning, and that just breaks my heart.

-Don't forget Laurie was BLEEDING for a good part of 2008-2009 (from eyes and mouth mostly), due to "leakage" in consciousness: our current fronter was essentially "stealing her energy" and that was killing her. DOES THAT STILL HAPPEN?? If so, it might explain a LOT of the instability some people are showing now.
-In late 2008, when Natalie first manifested as "my reflection," I described hir as follows: "She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute." This is notable because not only does it insinuate that the reflection-holder is SEPARATE from both the body image AND the current fronter, but that other non-fronting headvoices could USE the reflection to speak to the current body-fronter, by "projecting" into it along with the reflection holder. That's pretty huge… especially since today someone else seems to be in it. There was literally 10 seconds where we looked into a mirror this evening, and the reflection smirked, waved, and said it's name was JAYCE?? Which worries me slightly because the first Jayce (2010) was NOT a nice guy (just ask the Undergrounders), but this one feels very different, plus he's a different color. (I should review his entire history at some point too..) But I don't know who was fronting around that time, and it was a very unstable mental situation so there is literally no other detail besides that… but it's very notable. Look into this mirror thing if you can; it's always been a huge source of questions. Plus, in Laurie's 2006 dream debut, she disguised herself AS the reflection. Whether or not that ultimately holds any significance for the current reflection people is yet to be seen.
- Natalie picked up on the butterfly motif back in hir first reincarnation, back in 2009 (after being killed by Julie). Talk about foreshadowing, haha.
- Lynne was originally pinkish-red, and her original role was that of a "stable and mature" individual to balance everyone else when they got too crazy. I'm mentioning this because that color AND job seem to have moved to MULBERRY. Think about it!
- Waldorf's original incarnation (2003) had antennae and a bodysuit? I don't know whether or not she would benefit from imitating that now, but everything about her initial self was highly intriguing, so I'd give it some merit at least.
-…I am not reviewing the Xangas yet. Yes they are full of incredibly vital information, but the first screenshot I opened to review was about the graves. I am not emotionally ready to review that entire timeframe again, not at this hour at least. But we forgot about ALL of that after the plethora of reset attempts this year, and that fact alone is heartbreaking in a weird way. I know I keep telling myself "the past is gone, forget about it," but another part of me keeps saying "yes, but the consequences of the past still affect the present, don't they?" and of course there are still graves on my arms. I think the hesitation is because, I feel that if I do dive back into the Xangas, something inside me is going to snap back into awareness and I'm afraid of that. I don't remember anything before 2013 and part of me is very scared of whoever I was in the past. Maybe bring that up in therapy, who knows. The point is I honestly can't go past-digging anymore tonight because I'm not psychologically able to at the moment. Sorry.
- …I don't know why, but Laurie talking about her 2010 suicide attempt and numbly saying "I don't remember what day it was" is one of the saddest things I've ever read.



As for handwriting from this year…

- There's a handwriting voice that I JUST NOW realized exists-- they're a "numb" or "comatose" one, that just wants to sleep and doesn't fight back, but every example of that I can find has the exact same writing style. Keep this in mind.
- I feel really bad because we thought that EVERY "bad voice" was Razor for a really long time, and that made Spice REALLY pissed off (judging by her handwriting examples). It's weird, too, because Razor never acted like that, and honestly I have no idea where the sweeping generalization came from? In any case we need to go back and review all our 2012-Scratch notes on her, because they're probably ridiculously inaccurate, and probably have good insights into other people as well.
- Similarly, we COMPLETELY ignored and overlooked Spice's actual attitude in her handwriting. Yes, she was angry all the time, but she had the trademark responses of a retributor: "I will kill you for your sinfulness," "rot in hell," calling the fronter a "slut" or "whore" (in headspace that ONLY refers to Julie-esque individuals), et cetera. It's all actually calling out whoever was eating for being unwise in their habits, eating either too much or things that made the body sick. Now that I'm learning who the eating-voices are (they're not nice; also not related to the eating disorder voices), her reactions make perfect sense, and I'm actually VERY thankful she existed back then to keep them in line!!
- Checking handwriting again, there is still a huge blur between who is David and who is that OTHER little boy, the vanilla-colored one (during meditation today I got a flash that his name MIGHT be "Simon," or "Simeon," something like that in any case). The only clear distinction (besides the fact that David likes smileys) is in what they react to, and how-- David is more "externalized," reacting mostly to the mother and to the environment, while the vanilla boy is more "internalized," and the few times I've heard him talk (to FACELESS voices; he has no body either yet), he's said that he "tries to calm people down" or something?? I don't know how to put it into words, but it's why he shows up in emotionally charged or unstable journal entries so suddenly and often: apparently his job is to take all that on himself, keeping tons of people from shouting randomly over it. But he's sad because of it, almost numbly so, and he seems to be the one with the "I'm a bad boy" complex. David fears that, but this vanilla boy accepts that lie emptily (On that note, go back and review the "shoe incident" stuff from this spring, ESPECIALLY when I talked about it with Laurie in handwriting; those two were still fused with Kyanos at the time so it's a general mess). Either way they're still tricky to pin down in writing, which isn't surprising as there is often a TON of bleedover there for everybody... and remember those two were FUSED FOR A WHILE!! Honestly though the BEST clue to this day is the FIRST whitebook journal entry, in which they BOTH wrote. David was saying "don't let them hurt us anymore," but the vanilla boy was asking "who and why is abusing (Jay) still." VERY different reactions to the same situation. So look over that again just to get a better grip on those two.
- On that note, Sugar, Spice, and the "overload girl" (whose true identity is blurry as heck) were ALL bleeding into each other before the first two manifested. They all write in total capslock, but Sugar has all rounded letters, and Spice doesn't react to anything but food triggers. Still, as I said, Sugar is a mess (due to both her slot color and highly volatile anchor), and she is STILL getting "used" by others, so figure this out for her sake.
- The tangerine bird guy (dude what is even your name) has a brilliant attitude in handwriting, which surprises me as I actually can only remember having seen him TWICE in headspace, once being earlier this month with the tar-spider (post-reset notably). So, to think about it, his name might not be discernible because we don't really have a consensual grip on WHO he is? And names follow that, it seems. So get to know him and the Sage guy because they are super cool, and we need to know their names already.
- On a related note, the pure white-skinned voices (Sugar, tangerine, sage, AND Kyanos!) all seem to be related in some sense? We haven't figured it out yet, but it feels like they're an important sub-category of headvoice and there is a strong vibe of there needing to be one in each color category? See if you can get any more info on this phenomenon.
- I just noticed, Infinitii and Josephina have the most in-your-face handwriting, for totally different reasons: Infi's text is calligraphic and huge because his energy just translates that way, but Jo is all stars-and-graffiti because his attitude is just that exuberant, haha.
- April 21st, a handwriting voice screaming "fuck you, you're not my boss; fuck you faggot" was listed as a SUGAR ALTER, but then later found to be a then-Tar-possessed Razor, thanks to the scrawled "I will make you bleed" declaration on the back. HOWEVER I am mentioning this again because the whole "sugar alter" thing MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISNOMER. We weren't talking about illness, we were talking about rage, and sugar only causes vicious reactions because it FEEDS THE TAR. So a "sugar alter" could literally be ANYONE tied to the Tar when it overloads!



Now for a brief summary of the events of today!

-I had to drive my grandmother to visit my grandfather at the hospital at 9AM, so from then until 4PM I was literally home alone. That is always dangerous because hackers like to try and come out, because of the lack of enforced rule structure, BUT I noticed something equally disturbing today. Our entire physical self-image depends on other people. Literally, whoever was fronting didn't know how to do ANYTHING without another individual being around to "provide context" or "give orders." As it seems, the default body-program seems to run solely on judging actions according to who we're around, due to safety and survival, so when no one is around, it shorts out. There's no one to base our very existence on, so as an "individual," the immediate tendency is to not exist. It's different in headspace, obviously-- our entire world up here is vastly different from the physical-- so throwing a Central fronter into the body wouldn't fix the problem, as they don't have any real way of knowing how to properly function in the physical realm the way it is. But socials can only drive when other people are around, so the only people left are the "outsiders," i.e. the nameless voices… which are usually blindly manipulative, and/or directionless to the point of danger. We're thinking one of them is the one who literally just eats until another person appears, solely as a mechanical operation. (Thankfully we've found… ways to avert the obvious threat there, although it has ultimately made our eating disorder worse as a whole). Julie always jumps on "home alone" situations because the body becomes so severely dissociated in that atmosphere that, if someone isn't being vigilant as hell behind the scenes, hacks are frighteningly easy for her to pull off (the nameless ones don't fight her off, as they don't care). So yeah, that was scary to realize that we don't have an answer to that question… "outside of headspace, who are we really?" We don't know. In the body, as an "individual," we have no idea who we are. We've never had to worry about that before. But today, alone for about 6 hours, we struggled to exist in the simplest manner. That's not good.
- One good thing did happen, though. Apparently one of the hedonist voices (who is almost DEFINITELY Jess; it responds to the name) started eating danger food, and Laurie immediately shouted for me to "get the hell in there." Which is why I remember it; suddenly I was standing above the sink with a mouthful of something, asking Laurie if that was safe to ingest. Thankfully it was, so after that she said to stick around while we made ourselves a safe breakfast (vegetables obviously) so the body wouldn't starve. The reason why this was good is not only because then there was an hour of headspace-patrolled fronting, but also because the vegetables we found were beets. See, when I began to cut them after they cooked, I laughingly commented that they looked bloody… and since I had been rifling through the knife drawer immediately beforehand, of course Razor stuck her head in! "What's bloody," she asked, "can I use the knife," you get the picture. I found it funny and ultimately she did get permission to front, purposely getting beet juice all over her hands and snickering about it. At one point she was trying to cut the hand with a small knife, but Knife himself told her not to, so she put it down. (She listens to him without question if you didn't already know.) But the best part was that then we realized that hey, Razor doesn't know what sensory input is like besides pain, does she? So we told her she could eat some of the beets if she wanted. She was a little confused about the whole concept, but she got the AP to run it mostly. So she was basically just tearing at them with her hands and teeth, as she loved the color. Then she didn't want us to wash our hands off because she wanted them to stain, but again Knife told her we had to or it would stain everything else. So that was that! But it was odd, because Razor barely even comprehended the taste of the beets at all-- when it hit her she was more baffled than anything, the sensation didn't quite make sense to her. Laurie thought the AP was buffering too much, which might have been true, but we all doubted Razor's ability to operate the body without it so we let it go. Either way she did like it, for what reason I couldn't tell you, although it was just a general "yes this is good" and not a Genesis-grade "THIS IS AMAZING" response, haha. Still, simple but cool things in headspace are always good.
- What wasn't good is the fact that all I remember of the next several hours is reading The Minds of Billy Milligan (which is incredible and very relevant so far, we're on p70), and getting sick from molasses and/or apples (I keep forgetting we can't eat those without horrid and painful side effects; my sensory memory resets a lot. thankfully spice was NOT affected by it today as far as i know; she didn't front). So after 12PM (which is when I assume we ate?), I know the mother stopped by temporarily because the Undergrounders and Outsiders went NUTS, but then everything is blank again until 7PM, when we drove to the hospital again. Let's talk about the former first.
- All I know is that we were in the bedroom when she showed up, I think, because the moment her voice sounded in the hall, several people upstairs started screaming and/or crying, and I have no idea what happened next! Wonderful. The good news is no self-abuse happened, and no one attacked the mother, which there are always threats for. But there was a lot of internal screaming and stress and rage and fear, although I couldn't tell you from whom, for what reason, or when, as usual.
- At some point during all this, things snapped to inner headspace, which I have observer memory access to. David started sobbing and hid under his blanket upstairs, trying to feel protected from the outside noise and potential threats. Marigold was there with him, and I don't know what she said or did, but the next thing I know, the two of them were building a blanket fort? But they were literally hanging it on headspace, seriously it was catching to the air itself practically (which isn't that surprising considering they're underground; stuff is a bit wild down there). Anyway they started having genuine fun with it, not just making a safe place to hide. They quickly invited Jeremiah in, and he also helped them finish building it. So the three of them were in there, saying they were protected now, that no one could get in unless they said they could. HOWEVER. Someone HAD to be trying to get at Jeremiah, because there's another memory break and then I see him sobbing and distraught, shouting that he "didn't want to hold that pain anymore" or something like that? I honestly don't know. But I do know David gave him his blanket for comfort, and Jeremiah buried his head and hands in it, sobbing quietly. Mulberry must have heard, because around then she did stop outside the fort and ask for permission to come in, to see if everything was okay. David got confused and said he thought blanket forts weren't "professional"? Mulberry laughed good-naturedly and said that her brand of "professionalism" included knowing when and how to interact with people, which meant not ruling out blanket forts if going into one would be the better decision to do. So David "told" the door to open, and Mulberry knelt down to look inside and ask everyone how they were doing (she didn't actually go in; I guess crawling in was something she wasn't quite willing to do). Jeremiah managed to calm down, and Mulberry actually told them that she was going to "guard" the fort for them at all times, and if they needed her in a hurry to just call and she'd be there. She left once this new job of hers was established, but then I don't know anything else until what feels like 10-20 minutes later? They were still in the fort, but now Laurie's voice was outside, exclaiming "holy shit who built the awesome fort" and the kids giggling, opening the door so she could see them. Knife was behind her and smiling, but Laurie was being her usual chill-but-enthusiastic self and complimenting these kids on their handiwork, as well as their prudence in making such a safe space for themselves. That's all I know, but I thought it was brilliant enough to record.
- Speaking of Mulberry, I don't know how or when this was, but there's another fleeting memory of Knife telling her to "hold something together," or stable? Mulberry said that wasn't her role, she worked with rules and honor sure, but not physically; but Knife interrupted (oddly hurriedly? must have been a charged situation) that she could expand that if she wanted, she had done that "with Infinitii" (in this entry), and that she could do that now if she allowed herself to. So yeah, apparently Mulberry can impose structure on things in headspace? Which is actually a VERY important ability, if it means she can stabilize people who are fragmenting, even if only temporarily.
- There are two voices who presented quite clearly today, but I don't know who they are. The first is the girl who always flips people off and says "f*** you" repeatedly when she's mad, almost always towards the grandmother or mother. I haven't pinpointed why but she is VERY easily triggered, although now that we're aware she exists we can hurriedly jump in and chase her out when she shows up. The second is very similar to her, but definitely separate, as these two started fighting at some point. But the second is the one who is less caustically angry, but spits out tons of verbal slurs and insults (mostly calling people "faggots" which is really awful, but that's defined as "the worst insult" upstairs so she uses it often). She is more condescending and judgmental, while the first is more angry and spiteful. Very similar in triggers, but perceptibly different in reactions. It's just scary that people like them exist and keep showing up.
- Some "comatose" voice showed up around 7PM, I assume? They were leaning mutely against the bedroom window for about 10 minutes, and seemed incapable of responding to people verbally? Not sure if that's a fragment or a person, OR if it's even the default state of the body (with the "lack of a self separate from the environment" thing), but it was really strong and specific so who knows. Better to record it than forget.
- Now for the most interesting bit of the day. I know there was a mess of trouble trying to drive the car at first, as dangerous voices kept trying to front, but all of a sudden LYNNE showed up?? That's really clear in data memory; someone put FROST* on the car radio, and out of nowhere she ended up in the driver's seat. Go figure. She did still have bandages on her arms, but she's apparently healed enough to front, thankfully, which is awesome. I clearly "recall" her saying that FROST* sounded "nostalgic" to her, wondering happily at all the orange lights on the road and remarking that "nothing was a coincidence" to headspace people, and laughing because she actually had to change her projected outfit to front correctly (she had to wear a hoodie, and kept trying to pull her long hair over her shoulders but it wasn't there physically). So that's interesting; she's the first fronter who had that idea, and it apparently works really well for anchoring! Oh yeah, the best thing though is that there's a snapshot of her on the highway, suddenly reaching down and picking up a cellphone (turned off) and holding it to her ear, then using it to "talk" to Laurie in headspace! And it WORKED! Seriously, holy heavens, this girl is a genius. But yeah, I guess those two were bantering all the way up to the hospital, about what I don't know (all I'm sure of is her "calling" Laurie at one point to look at a certain building they were driving by, which was all lit up), but I'm glad they still get along as well as they used to before everything went haywire upstairs. The next important thing I recall is Lynne driving up the parking garage levels, and focusing on the lights outside, saying aloud "this is an archival memory, anyone can access it." Four words: YOU CAN DO THAT?? Apparently yes! So she recorded a memory of how the city looks lit up at night, for anyone to see (Which might even be contributing to why her entire fronting is oddly comprehensible to me; usually it's tough to "remember" what other people saw). But that's not even the best thing. The BEST thing is that, once she got into the hospital, Laurie decided to GHOST with her to tag along. Which is AWESOME. It's also a secondhand memory I'd like to personally treasure-- there is one snapshot of them both walking through the connective glass bridge (which at night, since it's internally lit but mostly windows, looks like you're walking through a hyperspace tunnel or something), Lynne wearing jeans and a black hoodie (hilariously unusual for her) with her bright orange hair streaming through, laughing, and Laurie in her usual violet-belted glory just sauntering along beside her, grinning back. And probably because it was so close to that oddly lucid memory, there's one line of Lynne saying "I feel like a government spy or something!" because the hospital was so empty and quiet on the inside, and no one knew she was fronting. After that things are kind of fuzzy; I know that they took 5 flights of stairs up, with Laurie apparently having "teleportation troubles" (common with ghosting; the fronting consciousness tries to "drag" you into the visual field, which can be extremely disorienting) that she was having trouble controlling, but then the next thing I knew they had to stop at my mom's office, and Lynne was pushed out? I don't know who fronted, but Laurie knew it wasn't Lynne when they left the office, and she began grilling them to tell her their name, but they just shrugged? Then, again, all I know is that they apparently went down two flights to the 7th floor, because the next memory is of Laurie exclaiming "these hallways look exactly the same" before adding "no, sorry, that floor had more windows," and then there's nothing for a while. (Still, HOW DID LYNNE FRONT THAT WELL FOR THAT LONG??) The next clear memory is of the body standing outside my grandfather's hospital room, with the grandmother, and I don't know who was fronting, but they were alone and felt weirdly detached? And I don't remember anything clearly after that at all, not until we got home and I started working on this computer, which was TWO HOURS LATER. Geez. So heaven only knows who was fronting from then until now, but it's upsetting because that poses a big dilemma which I will put under its own point for relevance:
- When no one is around, it becomes very difficult for the body to maintain ANY sort of external "individual identity," as that is based on our environment. When around other people, though, it becomes very difficult for individuals to front, because the body is now working on a "social cue-based program," literally choosing and inventing actions depending on "the proper behavior code" for that situation. It's automated!! And it’s annoying, because then the AP buffers EVERYTHING from inside out, as it's "not socially acceptable" or "socially disruptive" or something equally stupid. (Sorry, this is Jewel and that annoys me.) But when we're alone, the immediate reaction is to either dissociate entirely and go inside to headspace, OR to stay outside and let the outsiders front in purely repetitive, detached ways, during which time there is a VERY high chance of being hacked as a result. The only good thing about being alone is that sometimes people like the Gent and Maverick will front, but that's rare because so many other people are louder than them. And the only good thing about being around other people is that then we don't have to worry about being hacked brutally because the AP literally shuts everything down except for the mechanical functions. But THAT is awful because it makes therapy sessions hard as hell, because it's STILL trying to judge the "correct behavior program" for a therapy session when we are there SPECIFICALLY to talk about headspace, and for the people in headspace TO talk, both things which it exists to BUFFER OUT for survival purposes. It's really stupid. Sherlock is watching me judgmentally, haha. I don't think he likes the way I'm talking about this, sorry!
- Jay here; at least you're nice about it. He probably is just put off by your vocal style, because most female vocal styles like that belong to malicious individuals. Plus it's not exactly the way a logical analyst like him would ever talk, of course.
- …And IMMEDIATELY the AP shutdown kicks in because a conversation, even an internal one, that requires specific focus in headspace causes it to block everything out. It's this ridiculous denial instinct. I am literally fighting the urge to dissociate severely and "blank out" for an extended period of time right now. And I'm getting a headache from fighting it. Let me put on some Todd Rundgren and check out for a moment.
- I keep seeing bug larvae when I close my eyes. I'm really dizzy now. Sorry guys, we need to call it quits for tonight.


No, wait, again, last thing. Jay here.
I've been talking to Laurie for about 10 minutes (we've been trying to review those Xangas anyway), and it just hit me... how much we lost in the Scratch. Or maybe it was the July fallout. Or the August reset. Maybe we started losing things last summer, when we moved across the country. That was the starting point, that is clear as day.
But... what in the world caused it all? Who caused it all? Was it the previous "me," who for some reason, decided he was going to commit the ultimate suicide by killing his self and leaving his bestowed body to rot inside? Because damn it, some days I think he succeeded, and that breaks my heart.
What in the world possessed them to wake up one morning in February, and decide to utterly annihilate everything we worked for all our lives?? What made them think that destroying headspace in one awful self-sacrificial action was a good idea, in any sense?
Was it pain? Was it regret? Was it self-loathing? Was it feeling trapped by scars, and hacks, and the inability to function outside of that haunting reality regardless? Was it all of that and more?
All I know is that I don't remember anything, I don't know who I was before April of this year, and I feel like I lost more than I can even comprehend.
If it means anything, I'm beginning to think I want it back. Maybe that's stupid, or unwise. Laurie is shaking her head "no," and I trust her, she understands more than I do. If she says wanting that back isn't stupid, I believe her.
"We had more light up here than you can imagine, kid," she says. And she looks as sad as I feel. Where'd it go? If there was so much love and harmony, where did it go? What crumbled it? What hid it? "It's still here," she says, and I know that too. I can see it even in the Undergrounders, who used to be our enemies. I guess what I miss, intuitively, is the System-wide feeling of unity. It still hasn't come back completely. It's in bits and pieces, tattered and torn, ruined and ragged, but it's real. It still lives, even if it's feeble and quiet yet. But it's not giving up, and neither are we.

We'll never have things the way they used to be ever again, and in a weird way, in a tragically funny way, I'm glad for it.
This year, we met Knife, and Mulberry, and David, and Jeremiah... Sugar, and Spice, and Marigold, and Kyanos... and all the other voices who are our friends now. We lost many, but most have returned. And I met Infinitii. We all did, but to me, he's something truly special.
What I'm saying is that this year had to happen, as terrifying and strange as it was, and we all know that. Looking at it with discerning eyes and an open heart, that truth is crystal clear. We NEEDED this, even if we never would have wished for it.
I guess the bottom line is, just have faith. Just take it a day at a time, be thankful for what you're given, and make the best of it. That's all I can say. And listen, always listen, that I need to remember. Denial is loud and it tends to drown everything else out.

I'm really tired and we do have therapy tomorrow.
There's so much more I could say tonight, but I'm feeling a little glimmer of the light I've lost sight of, and something tells me that words are unnecessary when that is concerned.
So I'll wish you good night, with lots of love as usual, and I'll see you in twelve hours or so.

 

 

What a beautiful thing to wake up to.

First, I randomly got a numerology report in my inbox. "Okay," I think. "Let's see if there's any hidden synchonicity in this thing." As soon as I click it, I see this:
Your Personal Year Number for 2013 is 9.
Color: White, all Pastels
Jewel: Opal, Gold
Keyword: Completion
This is the year of spring-cleaning. Get into the corners. Review everything and toss out all that is no longer useful in your life including people, places, ideas and things. If it’s finished, let it go...
I honestly started laughing! That is perfect! Important, though. I know for a fact I have to release a lot of things now. I have a bad habit of feeling that I need to be in control of things, but as soon as I let go, it feels amazing. Personally I like the feeling of riding the waves so much better than trying to direct their movement, haha. So this was a good reminder.
Another message in my inbox discussed the difference between personal "truth bells," and the Spirit of Truth: the two don't always line up; that would be claiming we're already perfect! So that actually took a huge weight off my back: I have an old compulsion to be perfect, so I work my bones raw trying to find absolute Truth in every tiny thing I find, even if I have a nagging feeling that I'm not supposed to. Truth bells are all good and helpful, as pointers to the real thing! So looking back and realizing that "hey, even those convictions I believe in most strongly might not be 'true' in that bigger sense" is oddly comforting: if I got it wrong, I can now gracefully accept that and let go of the old belief. Which is understandable; I didn't always see too clearly in the past. I still have troubles. BUT the closer we get to Perfection, in brightening our hearts, the truer our own bells ring. Discernment, from a pure heart, is always the key. All that we do should be for the greater good.
"Truth never hides and it doesn’t need promoters to convince those who don’t believe. What is true simply exists and what is untrue does not exist. Perhaps in the midst of what is temporal and apparent, a lie may seem to be true, but in the end all these fantasies will fall by their own weight. It is then when those who clung to these supposed truths will have to re-evaluate their course and choose whether to correct their path or not.."
The message of it all was very centering to me. I needed to hear it right now, too. Keep it in mind, son... oh, and can I quote this, too?
"We are all equal to the eyes of God our Father and His love is always unconditional, invariable and absolute. None of you has had to do anything to earn this love and none of you will ever lose it. It is you who can choose to close yourselves off from the Source of this Love, and let your soul wither. Go on, day by day, by living with the firm intent of knowing and expressing the will of the Father through self-mastery and the progressive perfection of your being..."
I know I used to waver on that in the past, but now I firmly believe it. But it's also deeply important to remember the unity in that statement, if fear starts to haunt you again. We're all part of that one greater Light. Geez I just love getting straight-up reminders of all this first thing in the morning, before I even leave my bedroom. It helps me make the day go so much better.
But in all things I must be open to changing and taking new action at the drop of a hat. Just reminding myself of that too. Matthew 5:41 always comes to mind: "If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.". It's the essence of being ready and willing to give at a moment's notice. That old phrase, "God works in mysterious ways..." never thought I'd see that proven so often in my life, considering the past few years, but hey. So, I say again, let go. It's a bit tricky for me, whether I like it or not, and that makes it all the more important to do. Just keep your eyes and ears and heart open, always...
Here's some more stuff, both of which are extremely relevant in my life right now, because otherwise I'm going to be copy-pasting my entire inbox. Who knows, maybe a link is just what an invisible reader needs?

Speaking of nice things, I re-discovered The Flaming Lips this morning. I've only heard about four of their songs in the past-- most notably Mr. Ambulance Driver-- and now I'm just listening to them on Youtube as I type this up. They have some truly beautiful tunes. So this is nice. Also had some face-punch synchronicity with that too, with two perfect songs, a perfect event, and perfect visuals. Crazy stuff. But I'm smiling. I love this.

Oh! I forgot to show you guys the snow we got this year! Here's Diamew, and here's the entrance to Nightebi. I always take pictures of them after the first snow, they look beautiful.


As for the title, though... between the landslide of beautiful spiritual blog updates in my inbox (not a single one of which was irrelevant), I noticed a strange email titled "well hello there, friend."
I knew exactly what it was.
Let me share that email with you.


"Three years already, huh? Time sure flies.
I bet you remember me, though.
Yes, it's you, from November 2009.
How's life three years later? Fun? Crazy? Both? I hope it's at least better than 2008 was-- that was a rough year, man oh man.
How's college? Did you graduate yet? I don't know if you decided to stay in Illustration or moved on to something else, but I hope you're happy with it, and I hope you've taken a few steps in bringing our worlds into this one.
That, my friend, brings me to the next point.
As of today, here in the past, you had 16 worlds and about 700 people upstairs. How the fish many people are up there now?
Tell one of them to say hi! *waves* Honored to meet you, my beloved sir or madam. I guarantee we'll have some fantastic times together.
Tox, Vontricia, Preludove, Hosea and Kenzel say hello from this OCT-riddled year.
Picayune says buy her a soda because she neeeeds it.
If you haven't fixed Part 11 yet, I will punch you.
How's Q, Jim, Ben and FMSR? You'd better still be talking to them, kid! They're priceless kids.
Lynne's doing great, as are Natalie and Vincent. Say hi to them too!
Also, Laurie says "hey there, mister 22-year-old freakazoid. You beaten that blonde witch yet? If you haven't, I'll do more than punch you in the face." You know she will.
I hope we've beaten Julie too. That was our goal, and seeing what year it is now, I hope we've reached it.
Did you get your surgery yet? I sure hope so!
Maybe you're dead already. I don't know. We've always wanted to go out early, for a good cause, but if that time hasn't come yet, make darn sure that we continue to live in that bright-hearted way of ours no matter what.
Seriously, don't listen to anyone else. Be you. You've got it right.
10 years with Ryou, wow. *sends you some aluminum daffodils* Congratulations, seriously. You have something beautiful; don't ever take it for granted.
Never forget entry 4.
Marik's going on 10 too, haha! Give the Pharaoh a hug for me and remind him how much he means to us. He's a great guy. If you two haven't had your third incident yet, do it now. I'm serious.
Never forget those nights under the stars.
Your muse is already 7 years old holy shuppet! That's amazing. Does he still go by 'Selph' or did he change his name? Either way, I'm going to blow him a kiss from the past so make sure he gets it.
Never forget that night at the altar.
Nine years with Chaos. How does that feel? Beautiful, right? I hope that you two are at least widely recognized in the StH community by now, because you deserve it, and you know it.
Never forget the early morning hours.
If you haven't said a word to JMC yet, e-mail her right now.
If you haven't seen DP in a while, check on her right now.
You still need to meet them both.
Don't forget any of this either--
1. Typing in the Borders coffeeshop
2. Your vendetta with Sheena Easton
3. Listening to 'World Citizen' at 3AM
4. Really, Rod Stewart? Really?
5. Haterth alwayth thpeak with a lithp
6. Fun on Tumblr, tweak today, MLIA and Last.fm
7. Pull yourself together, kid.
8. MISTER BLUESKY
9. OLIVER INGWERSEN
10. EVERYTHING geez I know your memory is awful but come on
How's your music? I want to hear some of it, lucky kid.
Also, did you get to see FROST* live? Did you go to the Summer of Sonic? Any experience in Flash yet?
Lhikan says DO YOUR HOMEWORK if you have any, I don't know. Knowing you you're probably reading this at some ridiculous hour, haha. Maybe not-- hopefully you've conquered that silly habit of ours.
Man, there's so much that could have happened in three years.
Take some time and reflect on it, okay?
What else did I want to say... oh yes.
No matter what happens this year, I hope you have much less regrets on average than I do now. Keep trying hard, all right?
You're a good person. Don't lose that and don't compromise it *hurm*.
I hope the future is beautiful.
If not, it's your job to change that.
You've done well, young Padawan.
Love you.
-Jewel Wisteria Lightraye
November 20th 2009
12:07 AM"


I am laughing out loud and tearing up over this, oh wow. So much of that just... it's exactly what I needed to remember this morning.
I... I think I'm going to let that letter speak for itself. It's perfect.
*hugs 2009 me* Love you too dude.


"You do not collect the Universe. You ride the range of the Universe, and the sun shines on you, and you reflect the sun until no one can tell the difference between you and the sun or the night stars or anything you can think or remember or not remember, for what is there in the Universe but the Oneness of Light and the Oneness of the One Heart that gallops everywhere."

Here's to December 2012.

 

 

 

 

 

'SUP KIDS GUESS WHO'S UPDATING IN THE UNIVERSITY COMPUTER LAB
No really, I have my MIDI class in here and I'm always ludicrously early so hello there. Man, but this reminds me of my old LJ days. Remember how I'd always update right before my CSS class? That was hilarious. I was such an airhead back then.

Anyway. I've been kind of MIA online for a while and I will explain why.
1. I don't like spending so much time on computers. Really, I don't. I miss spending my days drawing and writing in actual books, not burning my eyes out with a bright white screen until ungodly hours of the morning. I mean sure, I type a lot faster than I write and I absolutely love digital coloring, but I can't ever undervalue the old traditional stuff. So I'm taking some time off.
2. FINALS. This is the most important thing. I'm taking a MIDI class and a music recording class (as you may already know), so the finals naturally involve some heavy-duty work. My midterm took me 24 studio hours, which cracks me up now that I think about it, but it paid off-- I honestly got an A+ for 'ambitious' and my teacher personally complimented me which was awesome. However the finals are a different sort of work. For recording I have to mix and master a track, which isn't too hard but just takes a good amount of time to judge sound. For MIDI, though, I have to write a two-minute 'opening credits' sequence for an 'underwater action sequence.' There's a huge story behind that project, but long story short, it is really freaking fun. The only problem is that I have to book a specific studio to work on it, and time is tight. So I get like a half hour in in the morning and that's it. Oh and did I mention that its a group project? Joy. </SARCASM> Nah, I'm kidding. I don't mind groups, but groups in music are just ridiculous. I need the whole thing to myself so I can create utterly without limits. I basically meld with the machine, haha. So if someone else is in the way, or if I'm having to 'judge' my project according to someone else's view, it's like I just got a brick wall to the face. It's not fun. But the kids in my group are awesome so I can't complain. I just have to sneak in early in the morning to work on it myself! No offense, that's just how I roll. I've got 30 seconds down (I had to rewrite the darn thing almost 5 times already since last Tueday-- I promise I'll fill you in on the whole adventure after I audition the final project next Thursday) and it sounds pretty awesome if I do say so myself. I'm going to do everything I can to get up to campus tomorrow and squeeze some more time in if possible, but if not, then hey. I'll do what I can with what I have.
3. CHRISTMAS. Well, kind of. I'm not concerned about decorations (we put up the tree on Thanksgiving and that's all I need), nor am I worried about presents (I don't want anything and I'm dead broke), BUT I know everyone else is getting ready so guess who's driving himself completely bonkers selling all his old collectibles on eBay? Yep, this guy. So that is keeping me somewhat on the internet, so to speak, but all the shipping shenanigans I've had to go through lately are nevertheless keeping me far away from anything else on the computer. In any case this is actually fun and I'm making some cash while cleaning out all this stuff (I don't like having 'stuff' around), so it's all good.
4. Upstairs life. Last time I updated here, I mentioned that "something absolutely insane happened." What was that something, you ask? Well, put as simply as possible... Natalie is back. As Nathaniel.
Yeah, I'm dead serious. You can read about that here; reiterating that whole scenario would take up far too much time and space.
Life has been very stressful since then, what with coping and co-fronting and fighting off hacks, but we have gotten shockingly adept at it and I haven't had any serious trouble since the month started. I'm extremely grateful for that. Nat was horrifically angry with me for a few days after he resurrected, true... he told me that "he didn't want to have come back to life only to see me suffering from the same thing that killed him." That awful truth, as well as the pain and rage I felt from him, caused some sort of shift in me and I fought as hard as I possibly could after that. It wore me out but Nat eventually calmed down and now things are really pretty lovely up here. I mean, sure, there's still stress, but together we can deal with it.
Xenophon is ghosting as much as she can now, too. She's hilarious and adorable and I love her so much; it is an absolute joy to have her around. It's funny because I'm having to teach her things here and there, like I did with Genesis, but it's nowhere near as drastic because 1. everyone else upstairs helps her too, and 2. being technically "world-born" gives her some innate knowledge the way it is. Either way she is so fascinated by every new thing and it's keeping me fascinated too. She appreciates everything.
She, Chaos Zero, and Laurie all give off some sort of 'peace' that completely centers me whenever I catch it. Even if Laurie is screaming at me, when I'm with her I just feel so at home and safe. It's something about her. When Xenophon is with me, I feel that same thing. When Chaos is with me, it's all I can feel.
I am so thankful for that... it's gotten me through more tough situations than I can count, it really has. I'm confident that we'll get through this too.

So anyway, here I am, running on barely 5 hours of sleep yet again. It happens!
Finals are next Thursday and I have so much work to do before then... and would you look at that, the professor just assigned more. Geez!
I think I need to take a day off and just relax, haha.

Honestly I do have a lot of work to do but I think I'm actually going to take a break today. I didn't get much sleep at all last night and I'm ridiculously burned out, so I'll wait until the weekend to dive back into my projects.
If you have finals next week too, good luck!!

 

 

 

 

Oh dude INFORMATION HIGHWAY.

I am in a very good mood right now, despite feeling slightly physically ill (as usual), not having fallen asleep until after 1 last night, and having spent my whole morning on my laptop, doing research. Really. I'm supposed to be typing but I got carried away with reading again!
Regardless, I'm thankful for it all, because in a lovely string of coincidences, I have learned a LOT in the past 24 hours.
I was up until after 1 listening to a radio program that touched on both the multiverse and religion, and the views that were presented synced almost flawlessly with mine. In fact, the only snag was the statement that the body and soul are two parts of a whole, which I have previously rejected due to having such severe body dysphoria, and identifying as a sort of polymorph. But then, in thinking about it, I realized that the body is simply a vehicle. It is NOT me, it is simply something I must use to get around in physical reality. So I can get behind that.
Then today, when going through my Tumblr feed and daily update checks, I stumbled across a link chain that eventually led me to a wonderfully in-depth discussion of 'multiple systems.'
What is a multiple system? It is, quite simply, a situation in which more than one individual inhabits one body.
WE FINALLY HAVE A TERM FOR THIS. YESSS.
Seriously, I've been going mad trying to figure out what my headvoice situation really qualifies as. It's not DID/MPD, not as far as we can tell, and then we have my splintering problem, all my 'children,' and tons of soulbonds... well, geez, I found terms for all of that too.
So, my headvoices and I got together and started a Tumblr solely for discussing all this stuff, as we've been dealing with it alone for so many years. We'll be posting updates soon. Also, we decided that we're going to try and get Josephina and Leon back into the loop as much as possible, as they've both been rather detached from current events for their own reasons. But we're all willing to work together and do this. I'm really excited.
Lastly, I also found out that I am what is called a "gateway system," which is 'a system in which the people (the individuals besides me, the host) live in another world or dimension and use the physical body to interact with the earth world.' Now that is different from what I have with the central 6 (we're a simple multiple system)! I don't think I've ever told anyone online before, but back when I was younger, some Jewel Monsters would frequently ask to 'act through me' in order to interact with the physical world. Really! I remember one time Vezerai decided to drive while I was in a mall, but he hadn't asked beforehand, and I don't think he was really aware of where I was (he was still very unstable at the time). He only used my form as a gateway for about 20 seconds, but I will NEVER forget that.
I will tell you why. See, I don't 'black out' when other individuals drive. I never have. Instead, my consciousness sort of 'merges' with theirs in an awareness sense. They're the one in control, it's just like I lose my typical 'self' and theirs takes over for a time. I don't become them, but I am not separate from them either. It's hard to explain. But, that happens with both my headvoices and anyone who uses me as a gateway. So when Vez channeled over that one day, I was aware of his consciousness as if I were him, and it was incredible. After that it became so much easier to write for him because I suddenly understood how he was, I guess. I hope I'm making sense!
But I never knew there was a term for that! Wow. I'm really so excited about finding this information.
So I've been finding an incredible amount of answers lately, all over the place.
I'd write more about the fine details there, but I really just wanted to get the gist of all this down.

Oh, but I should also mention. I haven't had any Xanga sessions in a while because they have become incredibly draining for me. I think it's because I try to bring too many people into one session, and since Laurie wanted ALL of our central to talk in our next followup, I'm kind of hesitant because that is really difficult to do! So I'll have to discuss that with her.
Chaos and I are doing fine, too. I spoke to him for a little while last night and it was amazing. I'm just so incredibly happy that I have him in my life. It was pretty amazing, and beautiful too, because I was talking to him during commercial breaks while listening to that radio show last night... and in one segment, after I had had a really honest conversation with him, the guy on the radio show said something like "love transcends all boundaries, even those of reality." And it just shone for me. I was so happy.
About that reality thing though. You know how I call my 'characters,' i.e. the individuals whose stories I tell in an artistic/literary manner, my 'children?' Well, I really need a better term. They aren't my biological children, and although I do have a creator drive, I've never felt like a 'mother.' I always fit the 'father' role. So, I'm actually acting more as a protector and guardian than a parent. And that makes so much more sense to me, it's great. I mean, Preludove has been one of my best friends for over a decade, and she's never felt like a 'child' to me. She's more like a sister! And there are so many individuals who I would never call 'children' in the parental sense, no matter how much I love them, because it just doesn't fit at all. So I'll try to come up with a better term soon.

I've also been thinking about Natalie an awful lot.
My body dysphoria is really, really bad. It gets worse all the time, even though I'm at peace with myself. It's just so frightening to catch a glance of this body in a mirror and not know what it is. And then I understand that it's how people view me, how people view all of us in here, and that's such a scary thought! Not one of us identifies with this form. Lynne is probably the only one of us who could drive without having a breakdown on some level, and she doesn't have driving rights solely because we're afraid of Julie using her through that. It's sad. I mean, that's why Leon's so terrified of even trying to drive. His dysphoria is as severe as mine! I don't ever want to hurt him by making him front in this form. So he'll sadly have to wait until I hopefully start transitioning this fall. I just wish he felt safer in here. I feel really bad.
But remember how Natalie was first personified? I used to talk to my reflection as a separate individual, as something completely alien and different from us in the body it was reflecting. But as my dysphoria got worse, I couldn't even look at my reflection as I was too aware of what it was in reality.
But I want Natalie back. I won't lie. Watching her die was so painful for all of us, and we all miss her. She was our little sister, we all protected her so dearly. How could she be reborn, though? Leon was resurrected because my risk-taking/ gambling instinct became positive and incredibly strong during December, and it was enough for him to come back.
Yet, what was Natalie, really? She was born from my reflection, sure, but would changing this body to make my reflection so much less traumatic bring her back? Would she become Nathaniel this time, as we wondered? Was she ever really a reflection in the first place?
We thought she was born from my 'lost' energy, optimism, childhood innocence, and kindness, but that had never really been lost. I had splintered. The real me HAS all of that, the me talking right now IS all of that! I never lost it. Thanatos and Fragment are a median system. It scares me, I won't deny that, but now I understand why I splintered like that. Laurie's motivation is to keep me safe and bright, above all else. And in my past, I didn't know what that entailed. So I broke myself into pieces without realizing it, because I didn't think those pieces could safely be part of me. But I'm beginning to understand, and I will discuss that whenever we have another Xanga. I'm getting off topic though.
I know where Laurie, Lynne, Josephina and Leon came from. Spine I'm not too sure of yet, but she's been around for a long time. And heck, now we're even theorizing that Laurie was originally a walk-in of some sort, because Jessica held more self-hatred than she ever did, and although Laurie did hate me originally, her goal was to better me and keep me from becoming Julie, not to destroy me outright! I met her in a DREAM and had to FIND her afterwards before she decided to become part of our system! Everyone else just showed up inside it! So it's interesting. It's just bugging me because she DOES act as a trauma sponge for me, but was she born as one within this mindscape? Or was she born as one somewhere else, and was meant to help me? Because I can't ever forget that dream debut. Those are too significant to overlook, considering who else I've met through dreams. It was just so odd, because she ALSO spoke to me through my reflection, and pretended to be me, although she was lying about that in a direct sense. Man there's too much to think about right now.
And that's why I'm wondering about Natalie. I don't know where she's from. Did I simply create an environment in which she could form? If so, how could we replicate that? And I'm kind of afraid, because now that I've embraced my creator role, I don't want to somehow cause the personification of an entity that matches this body, because that would cause SO much havoc you have no idea. Natalie may have been born from my reflection but she didn't look like me.
...Hey. There's a thought. What if Natalie and Lynne were CONNECTED? I mean, not only did I (unfortunately) integrate them at the same time, but they were reborn at the same time, and after Natalie died Lynne became very unstable. Geez, how did I never see this before? Lynne was the only really 'adult' headvoice when she formed, and Natalie seemed younger than we did... and when she was reborn, she became a child. They were both the only females, too! So if Lynne was born from an impossible future, Natalie was probably born from my present or past...
Wow. Now I need to think about this. I haven't rejected my past, and can't, because it was me at the time, even if I'm not that person now. So how the heck did Natalie personify from it, assuming she truly did? Was I really that lost during high school that I HAD rejected it somehow? Or was she born from my CURRENT situation at the time, where I was being forced into a female societal mold and couldn't cope? So maybe she was born to fit it? I don't know.
This is getting pretty twisted. I'll have to discuss this with Laurie and then fill you all in. Don't quote me on anything here.
Heck, I'll just post a link to this entry as a refresher because that had some important stuff in it. We'll have to follow up on that one next.

I'm writing too much too, haha! It's already 5:30 and I should be cataloguing the original draft of Dream World. It's really helping me get stuff into a coherent system, so that I can continue writing the correct version now. Don't forget I first started typing it when I was 10! I just haven't been stable or aware enough to fix it until now. So, I have a lot of work to do, and I'm very excited and happy about it.
Agh but there is SO MUCH I have to do so I'm out of here for now.
Peace and love to all of you invisible readers!

 

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE  LYNNE STABELLE  CHAOS ZERO  VEZERAI


 

 

Well, Laurie, here we are.

Heck yes! Let's get this done so you can finish that crazy work of yours.

It might take a while, though. I'm talking to Mel right now and praying that they're doing better.

Wait wait wait, this is about Mel? Is that what you meant? What the hell is going on?

They're... seeing bloody things. They said they feel 'toxic' and are hearing voices like me.

...Geez. That's... not good. The last thing they need is a Laurie in their head.

That's what I said. I mean-- wait, you're not a bad thing.

Only because you got to know me, boy. You remember what it was like after I got out of that mirror... I hated you. I bloody well hated you, and nothing was going to change that. Thank God I was wrong.

Do you think maybe Mel's voices are like you in that way, then?

What, in that they might actually hate Mel? There's a good chance they might. Most voices I know are like that.

Lynne's not.

Lynne and Natalie are different; they're not voices. They're fragments. Lynne is the 'adult lifestyle' and Natalie is childhood naivete; two parts of yourself you don't understand anymore. You formed them; they didn't just shove an axe through the door frame like I did.

Lynne did just show up.

Because you completely dissociated yourself from your age back then, remember? You were standing in the back of that church and you were scared out of your fractured mind. For all technical purposes you were nothing but a frightened child, faced with some unknown horror that was about to slice your stomach open.

You.

Inevitably. And that's when your lost confidence stood up to me.

That I did.

Aha, and wouldn't you know it! How are you, my old friend?

Confused, for one. I'm not sure why you want me in here.

We need help. Thought maybe you could give some.

Well, I'll do my best. Jewel, are you okay? You don't look well.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm alright. It's not me I'm worried about.

You're always like that, Jewel.

Pfhahah! She got you good!

Eh, maybe, but the point still stands. We're here because my good friend Mel might be falling into a destructive headvoice situation or the like. I want to prevent that, so I'm gathering up you guys for insight.

Ahem.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hold on one moment...

What you listening to?

Fat Jon. Good thinking music. I, uh... hope you don't mind.

Hello.

Hey. Nah, I've gotten used to her.

Seriously? Hah, that's a shocker!

It is!

And, um, we have a new guy.

...

Ohoho, dude. Hello there.

You're not--?

Nah, we're not here to pick your brain, boy. We just need your... expertise, how you say.

On what? I don't even know you.

Heh, lucky. Name's Laurie. I'm Jewel's superego; kind of like a chronically censorious conscience.

But I thought superegos were just psychological concepts.

Yeah, most are. I'm just a lucky concept that became personified.

Vez, I thought you were terrified of psychology?

Only when it applies to analyzing me. It's better to know what I'm up against regardless.

Good point.

Well guys, let's get to work. As you may or may not know, a beloved friend of mine is having some trouble with disturbing hallucinations and headvoices. The last thing I want is for them to go through something like my 2008, so I hoped that we could work out a plan of action, or even just some advice as to what they or I should do.

What are you hoping for though, love? We can't exactly quiet their own voices.

No, but maybe we can help them manage them. You all know what Laurie was like before I befriended her.

I do indeed.

Heh...

Laurie's the... purple one, right?

Yeah, that's me. I used to be a throat-slicing, skull-splitting scourge.

Oh.

She still is sometimes.

True, but at least she's not inherently malicious now. She used to function purely on violent vengeance and hate. I don't know what's driving Mel's voices, if anything, but if it's as negative as that then I need to help them face those voices.

Can you, though? There's not much we can do outside of their own mind.

It's better to try than to just stand around helplessly.

Jewel's right. I would have never, ever stabilized if I didn't have others helping me.

You think Mel needs a Dev or a Prelude to help?

Well, I daresay Q's their peace-bringer already... I don't know if I'd fit Dev's role though.

That person's not like me; that's not going to work. They need their own people. Not mine.

Vez, don't panic. I'm just using it as an example. I apologize.

You don't know what Mel needs.

I'm trying to figure that out, Lynne.

Can you? Should you?

Please, Lynne, don't shoot me down here. I'm desperate already.

I'm not shooting you down, Jewel. I'm just trying to be logical. Your solutions may not be their solutions by a long shot.

Alright, excuse me Lynne, but shut up.

What?

Just shut up, okay? My boy's breaking his heart over this and all you can say is 'this might not work at all!' We bloody KNOW that, alright? We're just trying our best in spite of it, because hell, we might succeed after all. If you're going to drag us down, you can just as easily get up and leave.

I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm sorry if you took it that way.

Ffh.

Guys, let's back this up. Jewel, just be there for Mel if nothing else.

I am, I am... but after I almost lost Dori TWICE when I could have done something, I am not going to risk losing Mel to a hell I've barely survived myself, so help me God.

I don't blame you.

I understand. I just want you to realize that this may be entirely out of our hands.

I'm still going to take a shot. I have to. I care too much.

Mm... In that case, I'll support you without further comment. I have to admire your determination.

Geez Lynne, when did you get so... I don't know, Vulcan-esque?

I have to be the voice of reason. Jewel and Laurie are both incredibly volatile.

Doesn't mean you have to be so bloody emotionless about it.

Laurie, I-- I'm just speaking the truth.

Whatever.

Lynne, don't let her bug you. I appreciate your warning and I know it's true, but Laurie's being just as honest. We're taking this chance.

What are we doing first then? What do you need my 'expertise' for?

Well Vez, you've been through more than all of us combined, and personally I find that you and I are creepily alike sometimes.

Uh-huh.

So maybe you'd understand the hallucinating and hearing voices.

I don't hear voices, Jewel, you do. And I only hallucinate because of my PTSD.

Yeah, but I have no idea what that's like.

It's awful.

I imagine it would be..

You know what? You were saying something about Mel seeing 'bloody things.' The hell does that mean?

From what I gather, they're hitting edges of a 'Johnny phase' here and there.

Oh geez. In that case, Jewel, I don't think any of us are going to be much help. You're the only one of us with doughboys and nailbunnies.

What's a 'Johnny phase?'

It's my term for a phase when one becomes uncharacteristically violent or 'unhinged.' You remember I was in one of those for a long time in 2008.

Is that when you started absorbing Laurie?

It sure is. That was a living hell. I swear, if you do that again--

Cross my heart, Laur, I won't. I'm over the phases... I just don't want Mel to fall into one.

How do we stop that though? Like I said, Jewel, you're the only one who knows what that's like.

I have... 'phases.'

Oh dude, he's right. Heck, I AM a 'phase'! And Chaos--

I get it, I get it.

So all your 'Johnny phases' are caused by personalities other than yourself?

That seems to be the gist of it, yes.

Is that what you think Mel is dealing with?

I don't know. Maybe. Even if they don't have any 'personalities' in their mind, they could have something on the verge of turning into one. They said so themself, that the voices they hear are becoming 'more than voices' now. Maybe we can stop that, like we stopped that weird red voice that attacked me with a razor that one time, thanks to those being huge triggers.

I remember that.
 
I bloody HATED her.

What was she supposed to represent, anyway?

I think mania, like Jessica used to be depression. They're both dead now though.

So are Brianne and Missy.

Brittany, Bridget, whatever the hell she decided her name was at the moment. Haven't seen the queen bitch very often lately either, thank GOD.

I'm fighting her nonstop, Laur.

I don't understand why you still need to fight her. I thought she had nothing left to fight you with?

Oh, she finds ways. She's trying to use my kids now.

What?

Yeah, she stopped the doppelganger thing and is now creating awful false scenarios with my kids. I ignore her but I can't ignore what she's doing.

All right, that is way out of line.

It's straight-up demonic. Next time I see her she is losing her whorish face.

Calm down about that for now guys, please. I'm winning against her now and the Care Bear army is helping too. She's still my #1 problem, but this isn't about me. This is about keeping a friend from being trapped in something like this.

True... I'm still shaking, though.

Sweetheart, I'll stop her. Don't lose it.

I'll try.

Give me something else to think about, please. I'm absolutely seething right now.

Well, I figure I should currently focus on helping Mel keep those voices quiet, however that's possible. I don't know. Lynne, I know this isn't completely out of my hands, but it's tough.

I understand.

That's kind of why I called you all here. I don't know what to do, and I'm desperate. I just want to help Mel.

If you need me for anything you can always ask.

Thanks, Vez.

I heard something about a fox?

...Yeah, Mel's seeing this fox with a top hat. I think he might be the key to this, especially because he apparently hasn't quit even when Mel said the other hallucinations/etc. have died down.

Why, do you think he's the 'headvoice' behind the phases?

I have no idea. It scares me, though, because Mel said that he "knows how to solve this, but he enjoys seeing my pain." That made me think of the old Laurie.

...Yeah, you're right.

If Mel knows the fox can solve this, maybe they just need to talk to him.

It's not that easy, though. He's constantly running from them and mocking them. They haven't been able to even come near to catching him.

That's not good at all.

I know... Laurie was at least right there, close enough to touch if she wasn't busy burying an axe in my face.

That fox is definitely one of us, though. How do you catch a fox?

You set traps.

But how do you trap a fox you can't even get close to?

Send something faster after it?

Maybe. Just maybe.

That could potentially make things much worse.

That's why we need to be careful. Mel isn't me; we may be similar but their situation here is still different in it's own important ways.

But Mel still needs to catch that bloody fox.

You think so?

Lynne, it's the only option I can think of. If it knows the answers, hunt it down and make it talk.

Resorting to violence might not be the best plan of action, Laurie..

Oh, shut up. You know what I mean.

What do you think it knows?

Only Mel knows that.

Geez this is frustrating. We're going in freakin' loops.

I think we should leave it be for now, Jewel. Tell Mel what we think and let them make the decisions for themself. Ultimately, they're the only one who can conquer their problems.

True, but remember how Q helped me, and how Dev helped Vez. Without a major force of beneficial interest standing by, the fight's going to be a heck of a lot harder, maybe even impossible.

Mel doesn't have to worry about that, then.

No, thank God. They have Q and I, and hopefully others that they may not have even realized are there yet.

Guess that's all we can do for today, then.

I'm sorry I couldn't help much.

Vez, don't say that. You were a huge help.

Yeah man, you hit on some serious points. Jewel knew what he was doing bringing you here.

...Thank you.

Speaking of, thank you too, Lynne. I apologize for that mess that went on earlier.

Don't be sorry; it was my fault as well. I should have been more considerate.

Hey, at least it all worked out okay in the end.

You are such a crazy optimist.

I try.

This conversation over then?

I suppose so, why?

You have work to do, boy!

Oh geez you're right I do.

Haha, what in the world is on your to-do list now?

Jewel Monster element/attribute cataloguing. It's a LOT of work but it's awesome.

And if you don't get the hell to it I swear I will hire Revenge to do my job.

Don't hire him, he's evil.

You're being unusually pushy about Jewel's work today, Laurie. Any reasons?

Yeah, it's my bloody job to make him feel guilty for slacking off HIS job. Get to work!

I have to admit, Laurie is right. You do need to make a lot of progress on your series yet.

Part Twelve.

Pfhahahaha!

All right, all right, I'll get off and get to work. Thanks for helping, you guys.

You're welcome.

I'm glad I was able to help. I admit I miss being part of this group.

You know you do!

I, um... I love you, Chaos.

I love you too, you crazy kid. Get some sleep tonight, alright?

Yeah, you rocked out enough yesterday. Screwed up my entire freaking schedule.

Sorry.

Weren't we supposed to finish this way back there...?

Yes.

Sorry.

You guys are the worst at finishing conversations.

Okay then, you close this one up.

Already did!

 

 

 

 

You have no idea how this feels.

You get what you give, I guess. Just deserts. I had a few good days, and then the terrible pain I'm so used to by now came back full force. I'm not as entirely good a person as everyone seems to think.
Sure, I try, but what I try to do isn't the same thing as what I do in reality.
I feel so terribly sick on the inside.

On a related note, Julie is still trying to corrupt everything near and dear to me, even to the point of trying to insinuate her twisted motives into my understanding of her. I may not know much about that blonde demon other than the fact that she's ticked off that we're all in her body and so she's slowly trying to kick us out, but that's enough to keep me away from her as often as possible.
Natalie keeps dying; we're all getting a bit hopeless about her.
Lynne's doing okay; I just spoke to her a few days ago.
Laurie's stopped spitting blood at me, but I don't know if she's really stopped bleeding or not. She won't tell me... I guess she wants to keep me guessing, and with good reason.

I want to do better, everyone knows that... but it's rough.
At this point I'm just trying to hold on to the few things that keep me innocent, that keep some light in my heart, because I'm scared to death of losing them. I don't even want to think about what would happen if they suddenly disappeared.
I've been trying to pray a lot more lately, which is helped greatly by the fact that I know several religious dudes upstairs, haha. They help so much.
But I really do need help from my Father. He put me into this bizarre life situation for a reason, I'm positive... I just need to find out what that reason truly is, and live according to it.
The one thing I know is that God has given me a generous amount of potential for doing good. I don't ever plan to forget that, either.


I've been thinking about Chaos Zero a lot lately..
...You know what? I was going to save this for a deviation, but let me just state it here as it's getting late and I'm hurting from far too many things anyway.
FROST* has this song titled "Milliontown," in which they quote a line from a book (I forget the name).
Regardless, the quote is exactly as follows...

"Did you ever notice how, in the Bible,
whenever God needed to punish someone,
make an example,
or whenever God needed a killing,
He sent an angel?

Would you ever really want to see an angel?"

I first heard that on a very strange night last month (there's an entry about it here, but it's hidden at the moment)... and considering my situation, those lyrics hit me like a bullet to the heart.
You can probably guess why.

I've probably said it somewhere else already, but... in short, Chaos Zero is an angel to me.
Both ways.
Remember Sonic Adventure?
But in a more personal context... he's one of the most important blessings God has given me in this life, but at the exact same time, he's one of my most painful curses.
When I say that I'm afraid of really putting "us" out in the open, I mean that I've tried it before... and people don't take it well. Love is love, but I must admit that my love's a little unusual, and most of the individuals I've met don't realize that.
I do love him, though... much more than I should. I know that, but there's nothing I can do to change that now. When I love someone, I'm in it for life. That fact has not changed and, God willing, will not ever change in the time I'm on this planet.
Still, it costs me.

On the 'punishment' note... Perfection goes without saying... but thanks to Julie, I'm getting a lot of unexpected negativity from my chosen situation.
When someone means a lot to me, and she tries to seriously destroy their reputation or otherwise corrupt my view of them... well, it hurts. Not only because of the act itself, but because I'm not realizing that she's doing this until it's too late.
You people have no idea what sort of thoughts go through my head on a daily basis... a stupidly large portion of my mental processes are dedicated to fighting her off and keeping her quiet. This is her body, after all-- we're just stuck in it until we get the green light to cut it up (Laurie's impatient, though). Still, the point stands. I suffer a lot from her, but now the attacks are becoming less direct/ physical and more indirect/ emotional. She's now virtually attacking the people I love instead of me, and that kills me inside.
But that's a talk for another day.
In conclusion, really, although I sincerely hope that I can get Julie to stop what she's doing, I'll gladly bite the bullet and suffer through it if it means I still have something inherently positive that's causing her spiteful actions.
I'm getting off topic, though...

Vous êtes toujours à mon coeur.... mon ange, je t'aime.

He actually kissed me in a dream the other day, you know. It was a bit of a shock, but looking back on it, it really means something in light of what my daytime life has been like recently.
I've been doing a lot of terrible things... I'd rather not go into detail, but I'm truly sorry for all of it.
I know it gets old fast, all the apologies from me, but I say them for a reason. I might do the same awful thing over forty times and say I'm deeply sorry every time, but most people would start shaking their head by the fifth occasion. "If she really was sorry, she'd be doing better by now!"
That's not always true. I'm trying as hard as I can to do better-- I'm trying so freaking hard it hurts-- but that's no guarantee that I'll be able to succeed yet.
It also doesn't mean that I'm not sorry.
Those are the main contributing factors to my depression, really... extreme guilt trips and an overwhelmingly constant sense of contrition.
But it means something. It means that I'm nowhere near content with living this life, and I hope to God that means I'm still an honestly good person at heart.
I can't be sure, but... having such a positive dream the other night in the face of all these torments on my part, it really made me think. Why? Some undeserved twist of fate? A spontaneous lucid decision on his part with no real bearing on my situation?
Personally, I think it refers to what I just said. I think it means that in spite of everything I'm going through, the real me is not a terrible person after all, and that was his 4-years-late way of reminding me.
Heck, if I can keep something like our situation so positive for almost 6 years, I've got to have some redeeming qualities.

He's not the only one doing that for me, though, and you guys know who you are.
Thank you for truly caring when so few others do.



...
There's still so much to say, as always, but there's no time left to do that tonight.

I sincerely hope you're all doing better than I am.





My worm cathedral
Diseased by all the intervention
I watch them turning
Into things they might have been
These fatal days
Corrupted by our own perfection
You're looking to me
But there's nothing more to say

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON)

 

So we haven't spoken on here in months?

No, apparently not.

Dang. That's a long time. And a lot has been going on.

I know... more people in my head, more personality switches...

Fights with Julie.

Fights with Julie... too many of those.

This had better not turn into a full-blown entry.

No, I'm too tired, and it's already 4:30 AM. That, and I have to draw that anniversary picture for Tuesday, you know.

You're not going to be happy until you mention that in every journal of yours, are you.

I just want to get the word out, I guess. It's an unconscious thing. I'm not thinking too much right now.

Shoot, really?

Yeah.

Then get the heck to bed, Jewel. Seriously, Julie is going to hack you if you aren't careful.

She's not going to hack me, Laurie. There are too many people watching her right now.

What, like Bogardus and Chaos and Mofo? You forget, though, I'm the only one who can touch her.

You're not going anywhere, though... right?

No, I'm not, but if you're tired enough then I can't break through when she's there. Your mind is a freaking mess, remember.

I remember. By the way, we really need to get all of you together and just talk one day.

What do you mean, 'all of us?' You mean like Natalie and Lynne?

Yeah... and maybe Julie and Missy too, all of them...

Jewel, are you insane? You can't just willingly let her in here! She'd start a living hell!

Not if I have enough people on the sidelines keeping her in control.

Oh, sure, and who the heck is going to stand around and watch her while all of us are having a conversation? If she decides to go primal on you, then you're screwed unless I do the same, and then what's going to happen to the conversation? Gone, down the drain. Out like a light. And I really don't want to expose Natalie to her either.

Natalie's seen her before.

Not that close. Not that dangerously close. I still think you shouldn't let her in.

What if she fights her way in?

Then I'll fight her the heck out. I'm not going to let her touch you.

Thanks, Laurie. Now I really should get some sleep.

Darn straight you should. You said you were staying up to get Darkrai on eBay, and five hours later you haven't moved. What the heck.

I honestly don't know. I guess it's one of those floating nights.

It's going to get much worse if you don't get your sorry ass into your room right now, sir.

All right, all right. I'll see you later, Laurie.

That you will, Jewel. That you will.

 

 

 

Dear Santa Claus/ Saint Nicholas/ Father Christmas/ etc.:

Heey, big guy. How's it been? Haven't seen you in almost a year, for heaven's sakes.

Anyway, figured I'd write you a letter. I know I haven't taken the time to do this since I was a kid (and I rarely did so then, either)... but I'm much older now, in many ways, and I figured it would be interesting to type something up regardless of my age.

I'd better warn you though, bud-- I type a heck of a lot.

You'll probably get the whole cookie shebang again, man. You know how mum loves to bake stuff, what with her sugar addiction and all! I'll be sure to leave a whole freaking plate out; just make sure you share! It's not healthy to eat that many sweet things, and I say that from (rather painful) experience.

Back to business, though. Christmas lists. For eeeverybody.

Let me think... Diamond would really, really like a Wii. He's been dying to play Brawl for ages! We'll just have to make sure he doesn't go all 'junkie' over it like he sometimes does. I think he needs something else to keep him happy, though. He only has his video games, and I'm glad they're helping, but... you know what I mean.

Ditto that with Viral! I'm not sure what he really wants... maybe some epically awesome stuff in WoW, aha. ^^ Try to snag him some if you can! Otherwise, just keep his friendships going strong, if you can. He has a ton of fun with those crazy kids, and I'm so glad to see him smiling again. I don't want him losing that if anyone can help it.

Lightning-man is another gift bugger. If you could get him some new software or some more memory for his computer so he can run his emulators, I think that would work. As for needs, Blase needs some true friends and he needs my mother to really lay off the harsh comments and biting ridicule. I know how that feels, and I can see how badly it's hurting him. So give him a little extra boost of self-confidence if you can. He needs it.

Now for the mom. Um... if you could help her pay off her bills and help her finally get her own house, that would mean worlds to her, I'm sure. Also, I don't know if you can help with the whole 'dad's not paying enough child support' thing, but if you can then please do. Money's horribly tight, and I know she worries about that far more than the healthy amount.

Plus, if you could get her a few days off from work so she can sleep and/or shop and/or go somewhere with her girlfriends, I think she can use that too.

Grandparents... huh. If you could help fix our car and some of the busted-up machinery around the house, that would help my grandfather immensely (that, and if you could somehow get the furnace to stop going out!). Also, get him a hearing aid or something, but keep it secret... his hearing is going, but he's too proud to admit it most of the time.

My grandmother could definitely use a day off, I think! She's always working around the house, and I feel bad that I'm never home to help. For needs, I know for a fact that if you could somehow get her sister to stop legally assailing our family, that would be the biggest relief I can imagine for her and the rest of us. I'm rather sick of all these property wars and blackmail and scandals and extra bills, and I'm not the only one. Oh yes, and if you could let her win at least some part of the lottery for once, that would be greatly appreciated!

Put a word in to God to keep them both healthy, too. All the stress and worry is beginning to really hurt them, plus they're already up in age. I don't want to lose them anytime soon, if that can be helped. Please try.

Dad. I don't get to see him much now, and I never really did, but... whatever he really needs for Christmas, please try and give that to him. Actually... if you could get him to stop smoking and binge-drinking, I think that would help him the most in the long run. I worry about my father, even though the rest of my family wishes him ill. It would be nice if that stopped, too.

Lynne could use a nice Christmas dress and a peaceful evening where no one is fighting... Natalie could use the same, but I think she wants a pet or something to keep her company. Don't know why! But yeah, if you could get her a little mirror-dog then that would be great. Keep her smiling.

Laurie could use some more weapons, and if you could lace them with ice this time then-- oh, sorry. You probably can't go wrapping those up in bows and paper, right? My apologies! Figured I'd put a word in for her too, though.

Bakura wants some kick-ass cards and could probably use a snazzy new RPG to get lost in. I know he likes those, but he hasn't really had the time to play any lately.

I think Marik still wants to rule the world a little, but don't let him! I think he'd like a new motorcycle, though. Something seriously awesome, as he does like to show off. Oh, and if you can get his sister to come visit us that would be awesome.

I also know for a fact that Chaos would seriously appreciate it if the weather wasn't so freaking freezing up here! Poor dude can't even go outside with this northern weather. Speaking of fireplaces, though, get the blue guy some champagne (not too much). I know he can't process alcohol but he still likes annoying the heck out of Virus with the stuff (long story)! I guess Chaos really has no other need for material things, but his Chao do, haha. Make sure you leave some gifts for them, too.

Selph wants a ton of snow, as usual! That and he really wants to meet me in a lucid dream this Christmas, aha.

However, he's also mentioned to me (he's not the only one) that what he really wants is for some of my major problems to go away. They're really putting a strain on our relationship, and honestly, I don't want to see him cry anymore because of something that happened to me... but that's in the next paragraph.

My little Christmas list.

I want Chaos Zero's copyrights and I want them now. *shot*

But seriously, big guy, I honestly don't want anything material for Christmas either.

Yes, you heard me. I know mum's buying me a Zune, but that's just because I need memory space on my computer and a weapon against my vicious ADHD (especially when I try to exercise). I'd also like to learn how to use Flash and I'd like for Abbey to stop freaking out every five minutes and eating all my time, but all that's beside the point.

What I really want... is for Julie to finally shut up. I don't know if you can do that at all, but even if you can help a tiny bit, then please do.

That, and I need money. Lots of it. I don't want to sound selfish or greedy, but college isn't cheap-- especially when you're an art major and a full set of professional markers is a few hundred freaking dollars. So yeah, I need to pay off my expenses and loans, not to mention car payments and medical bills (which have spiked now thanks to therapy and medication)... copyrights and legal payments and registrations... and I need surgery come hell or high water.

I know, I know. Bizarre thing to ask the man in the red suit, right? But in all seriousness, if you could somehow get me an appointment ASAP with a legal and reliable surgeon or two, I wouldn't need another thing for Christmas until the day I die. I need my operations, regardless of what the family says, because the family doesn't know the sort of hell I'm bleeding in every freaking day now. Surgery is literally my last chance before I get hideously desperate.

Anyway, I'd also like for me to be a better kid overall. I haven't been the best recently, thanks to all the mayhem upstairs, so if you could once again ask good old God to give me a little extra help with that, I'd be terribly thankful.
Seems all I really want is to stop causing pain and problems for everyone else. Hey, it's the best Christmas present I can give them!

Lastly, I don't know if this counts as 'material' but I need an inspiration/ motivation boost big time. I'm falling behind in my work, and now I have actual job deadlines to meet! So a bit of help there would be worth millions.

Anyway, mister Claus, your eyes are probably shot from reading this darn thing (I know mine are) so I'll let you go now.

And don't feel daunted by my requests... remember, rule of thumb is to help the big family problems first, then the family, then me. I'm last on the list, bud, and don't you forget that. Best Christmas present I can get is seeing someone else truly happy, so even if you can't do anything for me then please do something amazing for someone else. Thanks, man.

Also, it's Jesus' freaking birthday for crying out loud. Make sure you wish him the best, too! He's being nice enough to share the holiday after all, haha. ^^

Have a spectacularly Merry Christmas, say hi to the wife for me, and enjoy the sights while you're out cruising the world! It's the best time of the year, dontcha know.

Oh yeah, and thanks a ton for your generosity and all over the years. You might not be able to get through the back (technically the front) door this year, though, as I was forced to relocate my tiny little art studio there... but I'll definitely make some room for you if you need it!

Best wishes and lots of love, big guy! See you soon!

Sincerely,

Jewel L.

 

 

I still can't answer that... I'm sorry.

 

Natalie spoke for the first time last night. What a sweet voice she has... it's a shame her voice came so late, as she's no longer a personification anymore. She's back to being me.


Yes, I managed to take Natalie, Jessica, and Lynne back into my personality this morning. My laughing reflection, my crying shadow, my supportive hope. All three, back to being what they were originally-- me.
I did manage to evaporate the negative sides of Jess, though, so I didn't take back the self-worthlessness and depression. 
Natalie was happy to be back. I think I purposefully personified her, actually... just to give my reflection, my happy thoughts, a name of their own... even though they were me all the time. So it's nice to have her essence back, so to speak.


I'm going to miss Lynne, though, although she's been urging me to take her back for quite some time. I did tell her that-- that I would miss having her around-- but she just reminded me that she wouldn't be gone, really... she'd just lose her personification and turn back into self-worth and hopeful ambition. I missed her in that respect too.


It's terribly funny how I happened to personify all those missing emotions. Huh. At least they're back, I guess.
But it feels... kind of wrong. I don't know.




Well, all that's left now are my two "doughboys", to use my Johnny jargon. The nearly-autonomous headvoices.
The playgirl and the axe-wielder.
Eh... I don't think I want to "absorb" them, you know?


Besides... I love talkng to Laurie, and a few years ago I actually got Julie to mellow out for a while and be nice. (That was when she was my only headvoice.)  I spoke to her and Laurie last night and again this morning on that point, actually... that since I've know Julie for over a decade and I'm uncannily attached to Laurie (especially because of how I met her), I'd rather they just stay themselves, now that they have minds of their own, and just help me deal with things that way... just drop their vicious negativity and be nice for once.
Laurie was all for it, actually, and said she'd gladly do that if Julie would behave as well. I was surprised when Julie said she'd try. See, told you she wasn't all bad. Everyone has some good in 'em, even headvoices. Unfortunately, they'e both formed from rejected bits of my personality (vice and self-hatred), so that might be an obstacle... but they still came from me, so they can't be all bad! I know they're not.




Selph was doing fantastically well today, thank God... talked to him a lot at school, about both everyday things and about my current/future situation with all this headstuff. Quite interesting, and he has a lot of good points.
Mostly we were wondering over the whole "shattered-gem" theory Q brought up... how the year (1995) wasn't very good for me either, and if a certain event happened then, then the theory is practically verfied... but mostly Selph's vehement (and true) argument about the nature of his injury and the fact that my heart isn't broken and never has been, contrary to what I myself thought. We were talking about it all last night with Chaos, and have a huge and involved and true explanation formed, which I'll have to write down soon... but yes, he's doing well. Which means the world to me. I don't want my darlng muse all upset over simple speculations.


Chaos was sobbing all morning, though...he has been since last night, practically nonstop... it took me a long while to calm him down and reassure him somewhat, but he's terribly fragile and volatile and so he's still harboring doubts. It hurts because I don't know if I can give him a solid reason to stop worrying, and I wish I could... I'll have to talk to him again tomorrow, or even tonight before I fall asleep, if he feels he can talk about it. I won't force him, though. 
But honestly, I love him dearly, and just wish I could give him a little more truth than the red gem in his chest (long story, kids)... although that alone is practically an unbreakable truth in itself. I just hope he remembers that when he's feeling like this.


As for myself, I think I've found the answer, but don't have the time or ability to type it up now... too late, and I'll have all the time I need to write over the weekend anyway. I hope. Geez, I can't stand vacations. They eat my worktime!


Even so, the answer's good, and Todd Rundgren really seems to show up with all the right words at all the right times. Honest.




Hm... but yes, I need to get to bed. This abundance of work, excess of stress, lack of time and lack of sleep is eating at my health! Not good!


So... good night, I guess. Or good morning, unfortunately.,






...There are only two fragments, and they fragmented by my own free will...
...Everyone else I just let inside.
And I was formed from them, in a sense.


If they're simply pieces of me, then I'm simply a piece of them. That doesn't hold up.
Sure, I could easily turn them into feeling and make them part of me, but I'd just end up with what isn't mine. Sure, I could easily forget them all and just go about life, but then I would have no purpose, no future, no past.
And hey, I could easily absorb or forget the whole world... my classmates, my family, every stranger on the street, every friend I've ever had. Easily. My mind has a strange way of working, you know.


There are some things that simply cannot be explained, that cannot be proved... 
I know. You know. We all know, and yet we look away, nervous, embarrassed, because it's just not what we're used to. It's not what society considers 'normal' or even 'possible'... it might even be hard for our own iunique minds to comprehend.
But that doesn't mean it isn't true.




Even so...


We have to look harder, farther in, deeper in, to find the truth.
The truth is stranger than fiction, you know.


And I have a feeling it's hiding somewhere among the countless puppet-strings.
The truth, shimmering along the edges of the infinite rainbow heartstrings.